#at least I don’t have to deal with my horrible roommate this year tho!

[sweet-as-kiwis]

I should pack my clothes for college! That’s such a great idea! (<- just packed all the clothes they Like wearing and is left with a single outfit for five days)

[madfantasy]

I haven't seen you post in a while, I hope you've been doing okay? How is everything? Hope it's been a good year so far for you 💕💕

You're too kind, u & everyone who made inquiries, bless ur hearts.. im sorry for disappearing, but yeah, I don't have net— using my phone credit and hope this posts..

I tried to record my voice answering this, like I sometimes did on tik, suddenly ended up trying to muffle the floods of my burning tears, so now I have an awkward vid of me talking then weeping out of nowhere, which a good reason for me to keep up the no cry habit, heh.. but seriously, I suppose I'm fine till I be conscious of it.. its much easier for not to talk .. even tho I'm aching to be back in thy company, lonely in my foresight to catch on to the present that joins us, hand held out to reach like minded souls but shying from the fear of forgetfulness occurring..

I'm fine tho, did few new stuff, merely drowning in too muchness and nothingness as usual, this month I guess you could say I took an act of mad fury in search of any happy source because the echoing silence and the swarm of sadness nipping on my brain cells thickened, and the reasoning merged with the obscene. So instead of giving my guardians the usual of 3/4 of my earnings last month for net and groceries, I spent it all. Ya know, as it was told to me it mine to do as I please? As being prevented any chance of work if it was possible, 't was supposed to be spent on art supplies & measly delights craved for years ?

Before hand, I've been begging them to take me for months to get any clothing or whatever, be it the first time I ever see a shop, then just to drive around, then just me peaking to the outside when the front door is open, merely seeking change I suppose. They kept vaguely promising me until they refused point blank— getting tired of my nagging, then their car just stopped working till this day. Its in the workshop rn..

Anyway, befouled by despair, needing the mere basics of life and not granted, I was delighted when i found a site to buy from cheap & pretty, I pressed buy without any further considerations, or taking their permission and thrilled to be able get gifts for my siblings too. I say gifts but really they are deprived necessities too and not even much just one each cuz well, they are 5 of my babies and to start with the top of priorities; we all draw

I could already see it, they can't help themselves; heck seeped through the clenched gates of their mouths, trying desperately to poison me with undirect attempts this time, cuz I bought for my sibs they're out of the option of calling me selfish. I was upping the same trance like state of vague existence dealing with them, absorbing their insults and degrading just to make sure my shi arrives safe.

Unfortunate for me, the site chose the worst carrier in this country

I did everything in my power to make it into their convenience, by embarrassingly messaging the carrier daily, they took a week of promising to deliver and flanking so my guardians reached a heated level of threatening, waving their hands nd almost tossing shi at mE saying that they don't care if they came and if i dared to order something again they'll do this and that. Not allowing me to open the door for the delivery guy when he comes, blaming me for missing vaccination dates (they kept missing them even before)& missing going to important places(again, they just didn't go to for ages), made them loose sleep, etc etc— in turn, I seen red and regretfully blew up.

I screamed at them its literally the only time I ever did this, it BECAUSE it easier on them & I'll do what I want whatever anyway, & to stop interrupting me while I try to explain things , then they suddnly back done and be like I'm not mad at u I'm mad at the delivery ppl, that they are proud of me for being able to do all this, and such sort. I left them to cool in my room, Idk how I did it but must have slam-gripped something so hard it chipped most of my short nails & cracked one, was glad I didn't hurt my drawing hand but yeah, goofy mani

They robbed me of the joy of anticipation & the dissipation of apathy, I started to lose sleep again and my liberating dreams left me and I don't think I remember leaving bed.

But still, If not force myself to do things.. there'll be nothing for me if I don't.. at least I know im able of that

I got my guardians happy tho after another tiresome refusal, by trying out one of those Uber-eat like local apps here, since they have no car and being disabled & ill, I ordered McDonald's for the first time. Slythry behind their backs per habit, told them someone coming and they had that look again, but thankfully the guy came through and didn't steal my money, heh. For a big 1800 calories meal I suppose it was passable, the happy fam faces I got was the real treat..

Oh with that thing with the credit card stating I owe them money, waited weeks & nobody got back to us? They started taking from my guardian's account directly to pay it, saying oh we did send you warnings--- TO THE SHADOWY LINES OF THEIR POSTERIOR A.K.A NOWHERE. Thankfully the account is mostly empty nd just for random transactions, i alerted my guardians not to use it. And again, my god, another round of endless calls and promises started, and we wait again so they just don't act as if we owe them a frking 17k dollars that we don't have.. was panicking cuz I have nothing and but my guardians were weirdly comforting about it and told me not to worry

One thing good bout no net is it made me stop thinking about life in general, and stop the tiny unnoticeable prick of misery when I have no input to share, trying not to helplessly compare people just living, in inflated style or not, in media, to my isolated-most-of-my-life style and missing much of that organic "life experiences and chances", heh. At least, my situation would be favorable to me if it was ever possible for it to let me have peace, or have the simple knowledge I'm not virtually imprisoned and have never familiarised with nothing of this world but the surrounding walls.. its nice to have more time to be consumed by muse and day dreaming that flutters life through my dull being and sing chorus of inspiring means for art to flow and finds its way delicately onto my realised canvas.. but no, I continued drawing whilst sight blurred with salty droplets contradicting that happy tintin dance on tiktok I worked so long on just cuz I couldn't stop, not the tears or the mad scribbles of determined intention to visualise the mourned excitement I need, hating everything I make

Somehow the lilac dream still intrudes, visualising me friends, living, in a quaint home, maybe we roommate, arm in arm we go to make every fracture of fate's encounters a disgusting adventurous thrill, like building a maze of cardboard or chasing each other in the dark.. maybe getting that half bleached head and endless ear pericings ... then it dies and I totally forget it..

But what those awesome headphones helped me do, literally blocks all their voices listening to Sev losing it and I can Waltz around not feeling gutted to go and interfere or play the referee each time. But I can't wear them forever, gives me a bad headache, and honestly; I can't be too neglectful.. my sibs hates me for it already hehe

At least these clothing came true to their measurements, felt the new sensations on how everything I wore hugs me & learnt the baffling ways on how "gender" and region plays different tunes on the same measurements. Getting fitting things felt like suddenly there's hope to be, for myself to be me, and ease this severe disassociation between who I am, and what my body is .. from how little I see myself nd consider it worthy of anything because of how long it been living like a phantom among people.. to numb this dysphoria until it be gone one day

Saddened that the only site I can't order from again if they keep using that awful carrier

...

I missed our country's 91 national day, too. They made sales everything 91 riyal so.. but knowing the sellers here, I don't think most of em went true with their offers.. Horrible news tho on the celebrations, sigh

I turned this into a dear diary, guess bothered you enough today, sorry

So thankful to yous, Idk if I can be back, but I'll remain creating, and will keep the thought alive of being tickled when sharing my creations with your viewing pleasure somehow

'till then my precious dears, take care 💛🙏

26.9.2021, 8 pm, sleeping

[evanmcintosh]

Puppies, ice cream, beaches and cuddles.

Who: @marleyxrcse & @evanmcintosh‘

When: Sometime mid September

What: Evan joins Marley in getting her puppy. Emo shit and feelings get involved. Ends with beach cuddles.

Notes: Tw drug use, mentions of drugs

Marley walked over to Evan's place, unannounced. She wanted to do something that she thought about for a while but decided at the last minute she wanted to do it now. Marley knocked on the front door, hoping Evan would be there and free to come with her.

Evan was sat in his bedroom about to take a second hit from his bong when he heard the knock at the door. He was already just a tad bit high and didn’t bother with a shirt as he went to answer the door. He just hoped it wasn’t his brother, he didn’t want to deal with that. He yawned as he opened the door to find Marley standing there, cute as ever. “Marley, hey… “ he ran a hand through his hair as he stared at the pretty girl. “What’s going on, sweets?”

Marley grinned as the boy opened the door, happy that he was at there. "Hi!" She felt her cheeks burning a little when she realized he wasn't wearing a shirt. "Is there someone in there? Am I bothering you?" She asked, whispering. Marley pulled out her phone and looked through her phone. "I know it's last minute but I found someone, who lives an hour away from here, and the family that was supposed to take her backed out. She will be mine if we go right now. Would you like to come with me? Please?" she asked, showing him the picture of the puppy golden retriever. 

Evan raised a brow confused for a bit as his mind slowly caught up. “What? Oh, no. I’m alone. Sorry, I uh, I just took a hit. I’m a little high.” He over explained. Her concern was cute. “Someone?” He asked with a chuckle. “Oh like a dog.” He laughed again. “Yeah, yeah.  Come in, I just need to change.”

"Oh great. I'm glad I'm not bothering you. Sorry, I meant I found someone who had a puppy to give." She chuckled. Marley stepped into the house, "Thank you for wanting to come with me." She smiled at him. "Where's Chuck?" she asked, looking around for him.

“You could never bother me.” He gave her a charming smile and let her into the apartment, shutting the door behind her. “Of course, babe.” He squeezed her arm gently. “He’s in my room being lazy. C’mon.” He led her to his bedroom where Chuck laid on the bed sound asleep. The faint odor of weed filled the room, a smell Evan didn’t really even notice anymore. Evan rummaged through his drawers to look for a pair of jeans and a T-shirt, not really bothering to leave the room before removing his basketball shorts leaving himself in just his boxers to change.

"I can't believe i'm going to be a new mom." Marley said, following him to his room. "Hi Chuck!" She called his name softly as she walked over to the bed. Marley reached her hand out so he could smell her before petting the door. "You're gonna have a new friend soon!" She said, excited. The girl took a seat on the bed and couldn't help but glanced at the man as he changed.

“That’s very exciting. I’m really happy for you.” He stepped back from where he was standing and leaned over to give Marley a kiss on the cheek. Evan then pulled his jeans on and put his shirt on before sitting next to Marley to put his shoes on. “Do you know what you’re going to name him?” He asked curiously “Thank you. I’ve always wanted a dog and I’m so happy I get to realize one of my biggest dreams.” Marley’s lips curved into a smile as he kissed her cheek. “It’s a her and I’m not sure yet… I had maybe Bailey or Skye in mind… Maybe i will come up with something on our way there. We’re gonna have to stop at the pet store too. And get ice cream too.”

“Those are pretty names.” He agreed. “Oh, are we now? I mean puppies and Ice cream does sound like the perfect combination.” He brushed her hair out of her face and stroked her cheek with his thumb lightly. “Alright, looks like we’re ready to go.” He turned to the small dog and leaned over to kiss his head. “Sorry buddy, you’re staying here.” He gave him a few scratches before standing up and taking Marleys hand. “Lead me to your car, m’lady.”

Marley leaned into his touch, “It’s gonna be a perfect day.” She said excitedly. “Bye Chuck. Be a good boy.” Marley pecked the top of the dog’s head before standing up and made her way outside the house. “I didn’t tell my mother yet. Let’s hope she won’t kick me out for this. I doubt she will but we never know.” She laughed. “I’ve been thinking about getting my own place… But i’m not sure yet.”

“Perfect day?” It warmed Evan up a bit. “You think spending time with me contributes to your perfect day?” He asks curiously. It had been a while since someone actually wanted to hang out with him. “You should totally get your own place. It’s awesome. But if you ever do need a place to stay, my place is always available for you.” He responded as he followed her to the car. “Of course it does!” Marley nudged him playfully before walking on the other side of the car. She sat on the driver’s seat and put on her GPS. “It does sounds awesome but it does sounds lonely as well.” She admitted. “You’re so sweet, thank you.”

Evan shrugged his shoulders “I mean, i prefer it. I love living alone. It means I can do anything I want, have anyone I want over. Plus, I have Chuck to keep me company. You could also just get a roommate.” He explained “That’s what friends are for, right?” He chuckled softly

“That is true. You can do whatever you want without bothering anyone. I’m close to my mom and I help her a lot so I kind of feel guilty about moving out. It wouldn’t be so bad if I stay in Gradian tho.” Marley explained, starting to drive. Evan gave her a sympathetic smile and placed his hand on her knee for a gentle squeeze. “I think you should do whatever you feel comfortable with. And if you ever do need space or a place to crash you can stay in my spare room.” Evan realized he didn’t really know Marleys situation and pushing her to move out was selfish of him. All he could do is offer his support.

Marley moved her hand on the top of his, "I've been thinking a lot in the last two years actually. I've always wanted to move to New York City. I would love to be able to be on Broadway someday. I know it's a silly dream." She chuckled and shook her head. "I don't think I will make that big move, not soon anwyay. I don't want to leave my friends and family behind... I guess moving out and staying in town might be the best option."

Evan flipped his hand under hers and intertwined their fingers. “New York is beautiful. I don’t think that’s silly at all.” He brought her hand up to his lips and gave it a comforting kiss. “Don’t feel pressured, you’re still young. You have time.” He nodded before placing their hands back on her knee. “Do what feels best for you, not for anyone else.”

"It really is beautiful. Well from what I've seen in movies at least. I would love to go on vacation someday before I make a big decision like moving there. I know Harley lived there a bit. I might ask her if she wants to go with me and visit the city." Marley have been debating for years for that decision. She wished she could bring everyone she loved with her to New York so that way she would have everything and eveyone she loved at the same place. "I know I have to do what's best for me but family and friends are so important to me. That's what makes it so hard." She sighed. Marley smiled slightly and glanced over at him as he kissed the top of her hand. "Thank you for listening to me rambling." she laughed.

“It’s pretty similar to the movies, although a lot dirtier and it smells kinda funky but that’s kind of what gives it its charm. You have to have bad to appreciate the good and all that.” He nods “I wouldn’t mind tagging along, it’s been a while since I’ve been back in the states.” Evan let out a small sigh and settled into the seat. “Of course, Marls. I’ll always listen.”

"You've been to New York before?" She asked. "You can definitely come with us. We could bring the pups with us as well! I know New York is a dog friendly place. I know there's a lot of dog parks. Maybe when we cannot bring them with us to some places they could go to doggy daycare! They could have fun and socialize." Marley was so thrilled and happy about the thought of going to this vacation. "Oh it would be so much fun. We could also go to a Broadway show! Oh my- that would be amazing!"

Evan nods along with her excitement. It had been a while since he had felt really excited about something and It was refreshing to see someone feel that way. He wished he could feel that way again but lately it had been so difficult for him.  “Sounds like a good time, Marlz.”

"I'm sure we will have the best time over there. I've never really got out of Gradian. I've been to England a few times but that's pretty much it." Marley glanced over at him again. "What are the little things, or big things, that makes you feel happy?" She asked, her thumb stroking the back of his hand. 

“You’ll love the states. I’ve been fortunate enough to be well traveled but I think my favorite place is back home. I miss California.” He shrugs and squeezes her hand. He hated talking about his feelings, he hated admitting how horrible he felt about himself and things around him. “Lately not much.”  He bit his lip and looked away from her, out the window to distract himself from feeling sad.

“I’m sure I will. There’s so many places I would like to visit around the world.” Marley smiled sadly at his words. “I’m sorry you feel that way. We can try to forget about our worries today and just enjoy the day. I think there’s a beach nearby we could hang out there with the pup. “

Evan shook his head and pulled his hand back. “Don’t worry about it. I’m fine.” He said dryly and grimaced at his own tone of voice. He hated how irritable he could become when he was sobering up and he hated taking it out on others but sometimes he couldn’t control himself. He swallowed and shook out his hands a bit, nervous that he might have upset Marley.

Marley was taken aback by his tone of voice, her hand falling on her lap. "You know, it's okay to not be okay." She said softly. "I will always worry because I care about you. You don't have to talk about it if you don't want you but I will never pressure you to do anything." She tried to reasure him in some way. "You know, most of the time I am not okay as well and I absolutely hate talking about bad things i'm feeling. I try to focus on things that brings me joy and it helps me."

“Yeah, well I’m not you, Marley. I’m not optimistic about my shit show of life. Can we just drop it and get the puppy.” He responded irritably. He took a deep breath and fidgeted with his fingers for a moment as he got his mind together. He really didn’t want to keep snapping at Marley. He didn’t understand why he acted like this. He hated it, he hated himself. “I’m sorry, I’m such a fucking asshole.” He muttered and chewed at his lip as he reached for her hand again.

Marley's heart squeezed a little at his words. She didn't added anything else, not wanting to make him feel uncomfortable. The last thing she wanted was to make him feel upset. She stayed silent, trying to let the tension go down a bit. She looked over at him as he spoke again. "No you're not..." Marley squeezed his hand gently. "I'm sorry if I made you upset, I didn't mean to."

Evan felt bad for making Marley feel guilty of something that clearly wasn’t her fault. “No, please don’t apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong.” He squeezed her hand and leaned over to press soft kisses to her shoulder, trying to apologize with his affection.

"Would you like to go to the beach anyway?" She asked. Marley looked over at the gps and smiled widely. "We're here!" She said excitedly. She pulled up in the driveway of this beautiful house, surrounded by fields. "This house is so beautiful. After having my Broadway career, I would love to get a house like this. Where I could raise my kids and have so many animals." She sighed. "You're coming in with me right?" 

Evan nodded “Sure, yeah. Whatever you want to do.” He agreed apologetically with a small small. “I’m sure you’ll have that and more.” Evan was prepared to wait in the car, he didn’t mind it at all. “Oh, if you want me to, I can.” He replied as he took his seatbelt off and got out of the car, stretching his body as he waited for the girl.

“I hope I will.” Marley got out of the car and walked to the other side of it to where Evan was standing. “Come on!” She she grinned and reached out for his hand, pulled him gently towards the house with her. A gasp escaped her lips as the older lady walked out on the porch, holding the baby golden retriever who was wagging her tail. “Look at her!” She let go of this hand to take the puppy carefully into her arms. “Thank you so so so much.” She said to the lady before turning around to face Evan.

Evan followed the girl and stayed back a bit once Marley rushed to the puppy. Evan had to admit how adorable the puppy was and it was nice seeing the girl so excited. He smiled to himself, his smile brightening up as the girl turned to him with the dog. “Look at you. You’re officially a dog mom.” He chuckled softly

Marley was glad to see Evan smile after the conversation they just had. The girl nodded, “I am!” She pressed a kiss on the puppy’s head and stepped closer to the boy so he would be able to pet her if he wanted to. “I can’t believe she’s mine.”

Evan stepped closer and gave the dog a small pet before rubbing Marley’s shoulder a little. “I’m really happy for you. Do you wanna get going now? We still need to stop by the ice cream shop. I can hold her while you say bye to the nice lady.” 

Marley carefully moved the puppy into Evan’s arms. Before walking back to the lady. She made sure she got the transfer of money she made before she left. Marley came back to her friend, holding a starter pack. “She’s so nice. She gave me a small bag of food that she’s eating right now so I can make a transition to new food and I also have a bandana and a toy!” She showed everything to him as she spoke. “Do you think you can drive so I can hold her? If you don’t want or can’t I totally understand.”

Evan held the small fluffy dog in his arms and rocked her gently in his arms. He enjoyed holding the dog but he knew Marley should be the one bonding with her. “That’s awesome, hun.” He nodded as he took the supplies with his free hand and traded the dog off to the girl. “Of course, babe.” He took the keys from her as well and opened the door for her to get into the passenger side qnd closed the door once she was inside. He got back in the car and adjusted the seat for himself. “You ready for ice cream and the beach?”

Marley traded the basket for the dog and hugged her gently into her arm. “Thank you so much.” She kissed his cheek. The girl sat down in the car and reached out on the back seat for the leach and collar and putted it on. “I’m ready. We’re ready!”

Evan knew he was forward with physical affection but it always surprised him when others were physical with him. He blushed lightly at the kiss and turned the car on to get ready to go. It wasn’t long before he found a local ice cream shop and drove them to the beach. They found a nice spot and once there he took his shirt off so the girl could sit on it and not get sandy. “It’s a beautiful day today, Marls.”

Marley felt like she was in a dream. Nothing else mattered at this moment. It was like a weight as been taking off her shoulders. “You’re sweet.” She said when he laid down his shirt for her. Marley sat down and giggled when the puppy started to roll into the sand.  “It really is. I’m very happy you came with me.”

Evan got down to the puppies level in the sand qnd laid next to where she was rolling. He propped himself up on his side and rubbed the dogs belly for a little before she got up to run around on the long leash. Evan rolled onto his back to look up at the girl with a small grin, squinting his eyes at the sun. “I’m glad you wanted me to come. I’m sorry about my mood in the car earlier.” He pouted softly.

Marley couldn’t help but grinned when she looked at him interacting with the dog. The sounds of the waves, puppy and nice company. It was really the perfect day. Marley ran her fingers through his hair, looking down at him. “It’s alright, don’t worry about it.” she reassured him in a soft tone.

Evan sighed softly. “Are you sure?” He asked nervously before closing his eyes. He loved the feeling of her fingers through his hair and he hummed gently as he relaxed under her touch. “You should lay with me, the sun feels really nice.”

“Yes, i’m sure. I understand. Sometimes emotions takes over.” Marley moved to lay down next to him, still holding on to the leach. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, enjoying the warmth of the sun hitting her skin.

Evan nodded and shifted his body once she laid on the sand. He wrapped his arm around her so she could lay on his chest comfortably. He kissed her head and felt small butterflies in his stomach, feeling excited with every touch. It wasn’t long before the puppy had joined the two and nuzzled her way on his chest. “You know I really like you, right?” Evan decided to comment. He wasn’t really one to hide his emotions.

Marley always loved physical contacts so when she felt his arm wrapping around her, she immediately moved closer to him. She looked up at him, her head resting on his chest. “You do?” She was surprised to hear this confession. It was hard for her to think that someone had feelings for her. Simply because she was used to be put into the friend zone. But maybe he meant it just as person.

Evan nodded. “Of course I do. You’re gorgeous and sweet, not to mention a complete babe.” He chuckled softly. His hand caressing her lower back as he held her against his chest.

Marley felt her cheeks burning slightly, “That the first time someone says that to me.” She couldn’t help but chuckled. “You’re saying that but you’ve never seen me at my not so good days.” She said to him. She reached out with her free hand to her puppy and petted her gently.

Evan raised a brow. “I don’t believe that.” He chuckled softly. “Unless all the people you hang with are too scared to say shit.” He continued to rub her back “I’m just saying what I see and what you show people. Everyone has bad days. You know this.” He sits up a bit and lays her down on the sand, hovering over her. He pushed her hair out of her face with a kind smile.

“I guess they are.” She laughed. “I know that… But I meant physically. I’m sick, Ev.” Marley laid on her back and looked up at him, her blue eyes looking into his.

Evan furrowed his brows when she mentioned being physically sick. It made him think of his own issues but he didn’t want to assume anything anymore. “What do you mean?” He asked quietly, wanting to know because he cared. “I have Lupus. It’s an autoimmune disease. Most of the time I’m okay but sometimes I struggles doing little things.” She explained. Marley ran her fingertips up and down his back.

“Oh, marls.” He really wasn’t sure he knew anything about the disease and he felt bad for not knowing. “I’m sorry, honey.” He kisses her forehead. “It’s okay, I’ve learn to live with it.” Her lips curved in a slight smile. “I’m just more difficult to deal with sometimes and not everyone wants to deal with that. I don’t blame them.”

Evan shook his head. “Everyone has things that are difficult to deal with it, Marley.” He shrugged “You can’t let that shit get to you. People who actually care will be there for you.” He caressed her cheek and traced her lips with his fingers. “God, you’re fucking gorgeous.”

“I know- I know…” she sighed. “I’m not but-“ she stopped. “Never mind.” Marley’s eyes not moving away from his face, her lips curved into a small smile. “Thank you.” She whispered.

Evan was confused that she stopped and didn’t finish telling him what was on her mind. “But what? You can tell me. I’m not going to judge you.” He responded, still caressing her skin. He wanted to kiss her so bad but didn’t want to be inappropriate.

Marley shook her head. “It’s nothing really. You’re right, I shouldn’t let this get to me. I just can’t help it sometimes.”

“Marley.” He warned. “Tell me what’s on your mind. Maybe I can help?” He raised a brow “or maybe I’ll have to kiss it out of you.” He teased and kissed her left cheek and then went over and kissed the other before pecking down to her jawline, stopping before he got to her lips. “You wanna tell me now?” He whispered

She laughed softly and moved a hand to the back of his neck. Without adding anything else, Marley closed the gap between them and kissed him gently. Evan kissed back with a small chuckle, not expecting her to initiate the kiss. He pulled back a few moments later with a sly smile. “You little cheater, I’m the one supposed to be kissing you. Now you have to tell me.” He laughed and pecked her lips again before laying on his side next to her.

“I wasn’t important. I was just about to say that yes, people who care about me will be there for me. They are. But dealing with this for a short period of time versus having to deal with it most of the time is not the same.” she explained. “See, it was just more, sort of, complaining.” She chuckled. Marley glanced over at the dog, making sure she was okay and then looked back at him. “Can we not talk about it anymore?” She asked, poking the tip of his nose playfully. 

Evan listened to the girl, feeling bad that she felt that way. But decided not to push further in because she had asked so. “Alright.” He said softly and buried his face in her neck, lining her skin with small kisses. “So did you decide on a name for her?”

Marley grinned and ran her fingers through his hair, tilting her head slightly to the side as she felt his lips on her skin. She loved the attention Evan was giving her. She looked over at the dog again and thought for a bit. "I think I'm gonna name her Skye." Evan wrapped his arm around her waist and laid his head on her shoulder. “Skye’s a pretty name. I think she’ll like it.” He smiled against her skin. He’d been so distracted with Marley and the dog that he hadn’t even thought of Freddie or Milo. It was nice or at least it had been as the thoughts began to creep back. Evan sighed to himself, trying to brush it off so he wouldn’t bother Marley with the annoying thoughts pestering his brain. He just wanted to be high again.

“I think so too.” Marley smiled widely and closed her eyes, enjoying the moment. She laughed softly as she felt the wet nose of Skye brushing against her exposed skin. “You’re tickling me.” Skye waggled her tail and laid down against her. “I was right, it is the perfect day. Puppy, beach and cuddles.” She grinned.

[geneviev]

chicago’s   very   own   han   genevieve   has   been   spotted   on   madison   avenue   ,   with   a   striking   semblance   to   moon   gayoung   !   you   may   know   them   as   @𝐠𝐞𝐦   or   hitting   the   front   page   of   tmz   as   top   5   shots   of   genevieve   showing   off   her   middle   finger   to   the   paps   .   according   to   𝐓𝐌𝐙   ,   you   just   had   your   twenty   -   fourth   birthday   bash   .   your   chance   of   surviving   new   york   is   uncertain   because   you’re   vengeful   ,   but   being   vivacious   might   help   you   .   things   that   would   paint   a   better   picture   of   you   would   be   patron   filled   shot   glasses   ,   the   scent   of   coconut   laced   with   smoke   and   spicy   shrimp   cocktails   .

ya   well   i   decided   to   bring   back   my   bitch   daughter   gen   from   the   dead   and   tho   u   may   think   miss   jisoo   looks   like   the   sweetest   thing   ever   ,   i   thought   i’d   attempt   to   go   against   the   status   quo   where   my   hsm   fans   at   .   if   u   want   to   plot   w/   jenna   ,   the   biggest   plotwhore   ,   feel   free   to   like   this   post   or   hit   me   up   on   discord   @𝙨𝙖𝙣𝙩𝙖 𝙗𝙤𝙣𝙙 ✨#6148   !

interests

likes  :  freshly   grilled   shrimp   ,   impromptu   trips   ,   jewel   embellished   heels   with   matching   earrings   ,   peanut   butter   and   chocolate   cupcakes   ,   the   scent   woody   cologne   ,   blanco   tequila   body   shots   ,   blood   red   lipstick   ,   discreet   glitter   root   hairstyles   ,   boxing   gloves   ,   motorcycles

dislikes  :  blonde   hair   with   dark   roots   ,   chocolate   chip   cookies   ,   tangled   jewellery   ,   zumba   ,   e   -   cigarettes   ,   romantic   movies   ,   smoothies   ,   skin   in   contact   with   wet   clothes   ,   uneventful   parties   ,   cowardice   ,   low   -   waitsed   jeans

introduction

this   baby   was   born   and   raised   in   chicago   to   one   of   the   most   affluent   members   of   the   community   .   her   mother   ,   ada   ,   was   a   highly   regarded   socialite   ,   as   well   as   devoted   church   attendee   .   immense   pressure   is   one   of   the   first   childhood   memories   genevieve   can   recall   and   she   has   her   mother   to   thank   for   that   .   on   the   other   side   of   the   spectrum   was   her   father   ,   hong-hyun   ,   who’s   a   world   renowned   restauranteur   and   owner   of   the   million   dollar   business   chain   funky   gourmet   .   gen   always   strived   for   his   love   and   approval   and   yet   no   matter   how   hard   she   tried   to   get   his   attention   ,   all   efforts   seemed   to   fail   ,   seeing   as   he   was   too   busy   building   a   brand   .

her   childhood   pretty   much   consisted   of   forced   church   going   ,   unwanted   molding   by   her   mother   and   lack   of   affection   in   her   home   life   ,   which   only   led   to   later   permanent   damage   .   at   the   age   of   15   ,   gen   started   hanging   with   the   wrong   crowds   purposely   ,   hoping   that   her   dad   would   show   the   least   bit   of   worry   ,   but   alas   .   she   started   drinking   regularly   and   gradually   more   excessively   ,   while   picking   up   smoking   and   minor   drug   abuse   .   old   habits   die   hard   and   she’s   still   to   this   day   very   seperated   from   the   sober   life   she   used   to   lead   .

in   her   mother’s   eyes   ,   genevieve   had   always   been   a   failure   ;   never   looked   proper   enough   ,   didn’t   have   the   morals   she’d   so   desperately   tried   to   shove   down   her   her   throat   ,   refused   to   train   towards   being   the   perfect   daughter   .   that   is   precisely   the   reason   why   ,   no   matter   their   familial   bond   ,   gen   always   despised   ada   ,   but   she’d   never   thought   of   harming   her   in   any   way   until   the   day   of   her   18th   birthday   ,   where   gen   witnessed   her   mom   cheating   on   her   beloved   dad   with   one   of   their   closest   family   friends   who   had   attended   the   celebration   .   in   a   fit   of   rage   ,   she   stole   a   huge   amount   of   money   from   the   restaurant   and   framed   her   mother   ,   transferring   the   deposit   to   her   personal   bank   account   and   showing   the   evidence   to   leo   ,   who   then   proceeded   to   sue   his   wife   and   file   for   divorce   .

gen   didn’t   expect   her   mother   to   get   any   jail   time   ,   mostly   due   to   the   fact   that   she   wasn’t   used   to   dealing   with   the   consequences   of   her   actions   ,   but   turns   out   ada   served   three   years   behind   bars   ,   before   eventually   being   released   only   to   return   to   an   empty   home   .   gen   and   her   dad   moved   to   ny   after   the   incident   with   the   opening   of   a   new   restaurant   as   a   cover   up   ,   in   an   attempt   to   keep   things   under   wraps   .   genevieve   initially   thought   that   once   her   mother   was   out   of   the   picture   ,   perhaps   she   and   her   father   would   spend   much   more   quality   time   together   and   yet   she’d   been   proven   wrong   once   more   .   the   only   chance   she   has   to   accompany   him   is   in   the   kitchen   when   he’s   trying   out   new   recipes   ,   but   she’d   take   that   all   she   can   get   .

as   u   may   have   noticed   ,   gen   is   my   bitch   daughter   ,   so   naturally   she   is   a   bitch   .   she’s   one   to   hold   a   grudge   and   if   you’ve   got   beef   with   her   ,   she   will   literally   devour   u   if   she   can   .   now   she’s   also   a   pretty   decent   friend   ,   very   energetic   and   giving   to   the   ones   she   truly   loves   and   opens   up   to   .   my   girl   is   also   super   explosive   ,   spontaneous   and   upbeat   ,   depending   on   who   she’s   surrounded   by   .   she’s   legit   the   life   of   the   party   and   might   spend   an   entire   day   either   drinking   or   baking .   if   she   threatens   u   that   means   she’s   flirting   so   pls   don’t   be   afraid   she   doesn’t   bite   unless..

wanted connections

give   me   everything   i   want   drinking   /   partying   buddies   ,   slowburns   ,   exes   that   ended   on   good   terms   ,   exes   that   ended   on   horribly   bad   terms   ,   fwbs   ,   a   girl   squad   would   be   alovely   ,   best   friends   !!!   ,   roommates   ,   hot   neighbours   :)   ,   flirtationships   ,   frenemies   ,   e   N   E   mi   Es   ,   enemies   w   some   sexual   tension   cause   we   love   to   see   it   .   I   WANT   SOME   DRAMA   !!!

[ambthecreative]

DESTIEL RANT! Unpopular Opinion Time - The Scene was NOT Homophobic

Wow. It’s BEEN YEARS! And yet here I am again! I have returned to my Tumblr roots, rambling about Supernatural again! I have come full circle! Summoned by three words spoken by the Angel of the Lord we all knew and loved. But lets get down to business.  Everyone’s going crazy. They either loved it, hated it, loved/hated it, hated/loved it, etc.  Even people who never watched an episode felt the need to add their two cents without any context or with extreme bias.  So here’s the observations from a former Supernatural Fan and intense DESTIEL SHIPPER, but also one who has stopped watching it cause omfg it sucks so bad now. My bias comes from both angles and thus neutralizes each other out xD Obviously, spoilers for Episode 18 of Season 15 of Supernatural lay ahead.  ~~~

(TL;DR: The scene wasn’t bad because it was forced or homophobic. It was neither.  The scene was bad because of long term poor plotting, repetitive character arcs and horrendous timing and execution. That said, my shipping heart is just happy that it happened at all. <3 ) ONWARDS! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lets just get to the point. At first glance, that scene looks extremely homophobic and when it was first described to me (I haven’t watched the show since Season 9), it appears that is indeed the case.  And you can make a STRONG case for it to, if you watched that scene and knew of all the fucking queer bait we had to live through before getting here.  But I watched the entire episode. And I think this is key.  Cause while it’s easy to say its all homophobic, that’s not actually what was happening.  The truth is, the episode is a set up for the ending.  Sure it seems to be framed that Castiel is sent to the Empty for being gay, but that’s the bias talking.  Contextually, Castiel is sent to the Empty for being Truly Happy.  Also EVERYONE dies.  Funny how no one is up in arms that Charlie’s GF got poofed at the very start of the episode.  Not gay enough for it to count? Like she literally made her girlfriend breakfast and they were flirting, and boom she was gone FOREVER, not sent to a place where people have come back from before, but with NO EVIDENCE of them being alive at all.  Dead. Gone.  But no one says a damn thing.  And then EVERYONE died.  THEN Cas died.  And yet everyone got like temporary amnesia and its like, “CASTIEL WAS KILLED FOR BEING GAY!!!” That’s...not what happened tho.  What’s really sad is the moment with Castiel was actually a GREAT plot point/twist, if only they had done it better.  NO ONE would be saying SHIT if Castiel had been a woman. NO ONE.  Or at least, they would mostly see it as tragic than anything else.  But because Castiel is making a homosexual love confession, it must BE because he’s GAY! It’s really ironic.  Judging that scene as homophobic is ACTUALLY homophobic* (not really, but i can’t think of a better word).  Or at least you’re judging the scene by their sexuality and not by what is actually going on.  Now I remembered something after thinking about this scene for a while.  THIS PLOT POINT HAS HAPPENED BEFORE IN ANOTHER EVEN MORE ICONIC SHOW!!! Now bear with me cause I never watched the whole thing, only the bits and pieces my roommate shared with me.  But the whole “I am cursed to suffer a terrible fate if I ever experience true happiness” has been done before.  And where was that?

Spoilers for Buffy by the way.  SO! To all those who are still trying to spin this as platonic, you need to watch more shitty afterschool 90s supernatural TV shows.  In season 2 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Buffy’s good vampire boyfriend, wakes up evil because he had a moment of true happiness.  And this dooms the couple.  NOW. Do you call this...heterophobia???? Oh I hear you! “But Angel didn’t die and he and Buffy got to be romantic and actually have sex before that shit went down! Not the same thing!” TRUE. I didn’t really bring this up to make an argument that the scene/show isn’t homophobic (or at least they are very uncomfortable with it), but rather I wanted to make a point that the PLOT POINT is not at all homophobic and is actually really awesome.  The issue with the scene is the execution.  That moment between Cas and Dean should have happened SEASONS ago or at the VERY LEAST earlier in this FINAL season, and not right at the very end. The other reason why it worked so well with Buffy is that they had plenty of episodes afterwards to go into it, have Buffy react to it, and deal with it and such.  Meanwhile SPN, still BLATANTLY uncomfortable with handling this sort of thing, decided to put Castiel away in a dark closet and then put forth an end the world plotline by killing EVERYONE so Dean is too busy to actually think and talk about it for any real length of time XD.  I wouldn’t use the word homophobic for it, because it wasn’t used as a joke, it wasn’t used to demean gay people, it wasn’t meant to say “if you are homosexual, you go to hell.”

That’s not it at all. The only reason people think that is because they’ve been hurt in the past so many times, by religion and government and truly homophobic media,  and this scene triggers that hurt.  HOWEVER, if you look at that scene without that lens, it’s more cowardly and insecure, than homophobic.  Cause at the end of the day, that’s the whole problem with Supernatural.  They never commit.  Their writing is lazy and weak because they don’t have the writing chops to actually GO FOR IT. 

They are constantly at war with the writing, the ratings/money, and the general public views.  They constantly add poc and homosexual characters, but are too afraid to actually do anything with them in fear of doing it poorly and upsetting people (and honestly, it’s a valid fear XD).  I stopped watching Supernatural cause the writing is HORRIBLE.  It has nothing to do with homophobia and everything to do with the fact its all over the place, there’s no stakes, the power escalation is shot to hell, they keep saying SIKE when they do kill people, no changes last forever, and it should have ended SEASONS ago.  Its BAD. But in regards to homosexuality, the fact that they used a plot point that the legendary Buffy the Vampire Slayer used but used it on two characters of the same sex is actually AMAZING.  YES it was CRINGY. The handprint was cringy! They were trying WAY too hard to make it different than the other 1000000 times Castiel died for Dean. But it was their poor plotting, their overuse of killing and bringing back people, the fact Dean and Cas never actually even toyed with the idea of romance openly in the entire show, that caused this scene to not shine as brightly as it could have. 

THAT SAID.

HOLY SHIT CASTIEL LOVES DEAN! THATS AMAZING!!!! Ahem. Another reason why people get this scene so wrong is because they think writers are actual Gods.  We are not.  They are flawed and they are many and this show had WAY too many showrunners.  AND IT SHOWS.  But you know whos constant? The actors.  Dean has never really changed. Jensen played him exactly as he’s  always played him. ALWAYS.  Any person who got mad that Dean didn’t sob or kiss Castiel needs to take off their gay fucking glasses and respect the fact that THAT ISN’T DEAN.  HE’S NEVER BEEN THAT WAY.  EVEN IF CASTIEL WAS A WOMAN HE WOULDNT HAVE ACTED THAT WAY. 

Also Dean has been so BLATANTLY straight this WHOLE time.  Now I’m not saying that the romantic feelings were not reciprocal.  I’m saying we don’t fucking know XD Hell DEAN might not know, and honestly that would be the most realistic and best way to handle that.  Do you know how FUCKED UP it would have been if Dean broke character and suddenly came out as Gay and totally fine with that and just acted like he’s been gay this WHOLE time even when it’s so obvious that he was not?!! Its like - Respect Homosexuality, but Disrespect all other sexualities.  You can’t just force Dean to be Gay and Comfortable With That Fact (tm). 

You can’t.  And to expect and force Jensen Ackles to play his character, that he’s played for years that way, to tell him to fuck off how he’s BEEN playing him cause it’s not good enough anymore even though everyone ATE IT UP before Castiel came on screen,  is an INSULT to him.  I do think he can realize it. I think he can lean into it. I really do think it’s possible to do it in a way that’s realistic and still in character with how Jensen has played him all these years.  But now, you’re all fucking entitled little nutcases if you think that Dean should bend to your fanfic fantasy as being head over heels in love with a man without any issue at all when there’s absolutely nothing in his backstory, childhood, or ANYTHING that would explain why he would be that way.  I’m old as fuck, but you know how Dean SHOULD play it? Like Heath Ledger’s character in Brokeback Mountain.  He didn’t exactly showed his emotions regarding the love of his fucking life immediately, now did he?  BUT THAT SAID THIS ISNT BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN YOU HORNY FUCKS XDD Ahem. That’s also a reminder for myself XD ANYWAYS!!!

TL;DR: The scene wasn’t bad because it was forced or homophobic.

It was neither. 

The scene was bad because of long term poor plotting, repetitive character arcs and horrendous timing and execution. 

That said, my shipping heart is just happy that it happened at all. <3   The End.  That is all

[smolfangirl]

A little fresa story V

This is it. The last fresa part. It’s been taking ages to finish, but it’s here now, and I might be a bit emotional. I have lots of people to thank and credit tho, so I’ll save my breath :D

Thanks and/or credit go out to:

@huffletiika for the date night idea and the patience with my attempts at Spanish

My roommate for the actual, very true quote about answering a phone

@miris-xo for, well, everything

A gif from the TV show Bones that I can’t find rn even though I tagged it for this purpose :( but it was my inspo for the scene where Matteo comes home

Also @lutteoheart for the basic idea for the last scene with Aurora, I changed quite a bit, whoopsie

And, dear mortals and bots, one last time: @ac-ars and @sky-girls used the name Rory first. I used my own brain to end up with this name (also because of my roommate who is obsessed with Gilmore Girls and keeps trying to talk me into watching it), which is why I didn’t give them any credit.

Word count: 5.6k

///

“Can I say something weird?” Her voice is nothing more than a whisper. Luna leans against Matteo’s chest, so close to him that their conversation moves on quietly and calm. His hand softly ruffles through her hair while their favorite movie flickers over the TV screen. He ordered their favorite pizza and even lit some candles to set the mood for this special evening.

But somehow, Luna isn’t feeling any of it.

“Weirder than your comment last week? What was it?” Matteo pretends to think, the amused snort impossible to miss. “It’s strange when you pick up the phone and someone answers?” Her idiot fiancé chuckles and wiggles away from the finger she tries to poke him with. “Hey, you have to admit that was priceless. High-quality comedy, even.”

Luna grunts. Moves away a bit, until he pulls her back into his arms with a laugh as warm as her hands when she hides them in the sleeves of his hoodie. “Okay, okay, I’ll let it go. What did you want to say, little moon?”

With a sigh, she stares at the empty crib by the sofa. “I miss her.”

Glancing up at him, she discovers a sad smile on his face. “I miss her too.”

“Does this mean we’re a horrible couple or just good parents?”

Matteo rests his chin on her head, releasing a heavy breath. “I don’t know… but is it too bad if we drive to your parents and pick her up?”

She wants to answer immediately, she wants to grab her jacket and the car keys and walk out of the door. Her leg already twitches towards the ground, because she misses her little sunshine this much. She wants to hold her in her arms and cuddle with her until one of them falls asleep.

But something holds her back.

Something; the dreams, the ideas, the plans that added up for this night during the past days and weeks. It doesn’t matter that none of them received the luxury of turning into reality. As long as she can indulge in his voice when it drops as he’s almost breathing the words, as long as his touch fuels her heart, Luna is fine with whatever they do in those few sacred hours alone.

Or that’s what she thought.

Because in this moment, the house feels empty. Lifeless, almost. Every decision, every minute is about their daughter since she was born, she’s the fixpoint they both revolve around. However, now that she’s being spoiled by her grandparents tonight, Luna’s mind runs all over the place like a Ferris wheel on the loose.

“I don’t know,” she finally mumbles. “I miss her, but this is our first date night.”

“I don’t know either.” A pause. “You know what’s funny? Gastón was so sure we couldn’t keep our hands to ourselves, but we haven’t even made out like lovesick teenagers yet.” His lips hover over her, way too pointed. He’s being dramatic, like he loves to be, but it makes Luna giggle, and when she catches a breath a minute later, her shoulders are less filled with tension.

“How about this, chico fresa? You can try to kiss me, and in an hour, we’ll see if we still want to give up and get her?”

Matteo raises an eyebrow, the hand in her hair frozen. “Try to kiss you? Are you planning to resist me?”

“Well, there’s some popcorn waiting in the kitchen…” Luna explains while she struggles to get up. However, his grip on her tightens and with his best smug grin, he leans in to press his mouth on hers, a slow, savoring kiss that says, ‘I know you’re not serious about resisting me’. The second one steals a sigh from her and by the third, she surrenders to the soft movements of his lips.

///

When Matteo lets go of her to finally prepare the popcorn, the last minutes of the movie play. Luna sits through the credits without seeing them. Her mouth tingles from kissing him endlessly, but also from smiling so much. It almost hurts – or maybe that’s just her stomach protesting for a snack or two… (Since when does she feel snacky only two hours after dinner?)

Eventually, she gives in and follows the sweet smell into the kitchen.

Wrapping her arms around Matteo’s waist, she asks him how much longer they have to wait to get the bag out of the microwave.

“Always so impatient, munchkin,” Matteo teases her, without giving her the satisfaction of an answer. She snuggles closer to him and grins, “Except when it comes to marrying you.”

He shakes his head. “Rude and uncalled for.”

“Aww, I’m sorry, my chico fresa. But see, I wanted to talk to you about that anyway, and you just gave me the perfect set-up.”

In a smooth twirl, he faces her to lift her on the counter, so they’re eye to eye. Luna hurries to send him a smile, because if she wants to avoid one thing, it’s any doubt in his mind about her love for him. “I was thinking, what if we, hypothetically I mean, hired a wedding planner? One of these fancy people with lots of connections and the weird talent to make literally anything happen, no matter how extraordinary. Like these tv shows? I mean, we could still focus on Rory without having to postpone the wedding again. It might strain our budget a bit but,” she says, although Matteo doesn’t let her finish.

“You know the budget is no problem,” he replies before he caresses her cheek.

The noise of the microwave cuts through the silence, mixes with the obnoxious pop song from the movie credits. Yet his gesture alone turns this moment into something precious, intimate. Like the popcorn or the DVD-player don’t matter. Don’t exist.

“If you think a wedding planner can help us, we’ll hire one,” he adds.

“Really?”

“Of course.”

This time it’s her who pulls him close for a kiss. And when the microwave gives off a little pling and he attempts to break apart, she waves him off, whispering the popcorn can wait.

Eventually, they stumble back to the couch. Too lost in each other, it’s a miracle already that they’re not dropping their snack left and right. Luna selects her favorite scene from the movie but looses track of it quickly when Matteo starts feeding her and rewarding her for every bite, with a peck on her hand, her shoulder, her neck. She pays him back by throwing a piece of popcorn up in the air for him to catch.

He throws one for her next. Back and forth, it soon turns into a competition filled with laughter until her stomach hurts and her lungs plea for more oxygen.

“Try one more time,” Matteo instructs her, barely breathing after her last failed attempt. The piece of popcorn he catapults into the air hits her nose and falls on her cheek from where she catches it with her tongue. “Not bad,” he presses out in between more hysterical giggles, and in revenge, Luna threatens to hide some sugared corn in his hair.

Shrieking, he ducks. “Mercy on me, please!” he begs, hands lifted in surrender. (Luckily for him, the bowl is almost empty anyway.)

“Hmmm…” Slowly, Luna moves closer to him until his breath tickles her skin. “What would I get for giving you peace?”

“Always so demanding, little moon.”

She rests her head on his chest again to glance up at him with her best puppy eyes. “That’s not an answer, Matteito.” For a moment, he returns her gaze, speechless. Then, a smile unfolds on his lips. “You know, I could show you the final cut of the music video. But only if you promise to not get any of this sticky stuff close to my hair.”

“Deal.”

///

Contigo todo cambió

Veo un mundo diferente

Dejé de sentirme solo

No cerraré mis ojos nunca mas

Estás siempre en mi mente

///

“What do you think?” His voice cracks from all the excitement. His left leg shakes a bit, and the way he looks at her, Luna can’t help but think of Simón’s dog when he watches his leash being taken off the shelf.

She chuckles. “Honestly?”

“Always.”

“I bet you my left skate that there’s at least one gossip magazine that thinks the sunrise after the moon means you dumped me for some other girl. But other than that, I absolutely love it. Your ass in those outfits will have the fangirls go crazy.”

Dumbfounded, Matteo stares at her. His face mirrors the turns and jumps his brain takes, and if Luna concentrates enough she can see smoke coming out of his ears.

A few seconds later, he catches himself and grins slightly. “That sounds like a safe win for you. And horrible news for Rory. Who would even be the one to tell her?”

Silence.

“Oh my god.”

“Did we really just forget about our daughter?”

Helpless, Luna throws a glance at the clock on the wall. 9pm. Way past bedtime for little Aurora, and almost two hours after their mini-breakdown as well. “I think we did,” she whispers.

Matteo looks like he bit into a lemon. “We’re such horrible parents.”

“Oh god, we might be,” Luna agrees, cheeks paler than a moment ago. Guilt takes over, she can’t believe she didn’t think of their chica fresa for one second while goofing around with Matteo, when usually not a second goes by without her daughter being in the back of her mind somehow.

But when her parents bring her over not even half an hour later, a part of her decides this has been the best date night in easily a year.

///

It’s not the right weekend to sit alone in a hotel room with an overpriced bucket of ice cream from the room service while crying to the rhythm of the rain on the window pane. There are other weekends, other days for Luna to sob into tissues until they cover half the floor.

This isn’t the weekend. This shouldn’t be it.

But here she is, lonely yet not entirely alone, while everyone important and famous in the skating community is celebrating in the lobby. If she takes a deep breath and remains silent for just a few seconds, she can hear them shouting and cheering from downstairs.

In a mindless gesture, her hand rests on her belly. Maybe her absence will cause rumors, a drop of gasoline in a flame that’s already smoking. No, it will definitely cause rumors. Since her planned break from the work as Argentina’s most promising skating trainer leaked to the press, they’ve been watching her every breath. Day for day she wakes up to new theories and emails begging for an interview, and the desperate need for a vacation and more time for her family are the nicest speculations the media had to offer.

And the ones closest to the truth.

Luna sighs. If Matteo was here, maybe she’d have a laugh over all the stupid gossip, or maybe she wouldn’t be so exhausted from crying. But he’s back home while she’s here, and there’s nothing she can do to stop the tears from rolling over her face.

Without wanting to, her mind jumps back in time to a competition years ago, the last test leading up to her first ever world championship, where she found herself in a situation painfully similar to her current one.

Back then, she sat in a hotel room just like now, crying on the floor. Back then, she doubted everyone and everything, and mostly herself. She leaned against the bed, sobbing and shaking until her eyes burned and throat dried out. Because of Matteo, because of a fight with him and the break they hastily agreed to take. She cried because she missed him, and because her skate at the final rehearsal for the most important sport event of her life went terrible. Catastrophic, even. Jumps she couldn’t stand, turns she began too late for the music, a fall.

Leaving the rink, she didn’t even know how to look her trainer in the eyes.

And then she cried because that just made her miss Matteo more.

(A week later, Luna had cried once again, tears of joy mixed with the sadness that he wasn’t with her for her victory and that he hadn’t even send a text.)

Now, it’s different. There’s been no fight, no competition and still… the result remains. Luna cries because she misses him, she misses her sunshine of a daughter, she misses all the little drama coming along with having a young family.

With her hormones all over the place, indulging in a distraction seems impossible. No colleague, no idol in the world could make her feel better now. This mood swing demands to be felt, so she’s staring at the hotel ceiling, trying to come up with a solid reason to call her husband during dinner time. Maybe he’s breaking the rule of no phones by the table to wait for her number to light up on the screen?

Luna still ponders over his opened contact when a call comes in.

Matteo.

“Chico fresa, hey, oh my god, what a surprise!” Her tongue almost trips over the letters, earning her an amused chuckle from the end of the line and another teardrop on her cheek. “Hi, my little moon, how are you?”

Her sniff ends in a deep breath ending in a sob, and she’s not sure she can speak. “It’s so nice to hear your voice, you have no idea how much I miss you and… and I…” She stops, blowing into a tissue.

“Luna, hey, are you okay? Hang on, are you crying right now?”

She pauses. Nods. “I miss you, chico fresa. I want to be home, with you. With…”

“Mommy?!” A high-pitched voice filled with excitement creaks through the speaker. Hurried little footsteps follow, and Luna wonders how a heart can both heal and break more at the same time. “Mommy! Mommy!”

“I’ll put you on speaker,” Matteo announces and a second later, Luna can hear their little chica fresa giggle. “Hello Aurora, darling!” She keeps her voice steady, tries to smile. Her baby girl doesn’t need to deal with her homesickness, besides, smiling is almost easy when she imagines Rory’s face beaming with happiness. “Is everything okay? Is daddy being nice to you?”

“NO,” Rory shouts at the top of her little yet powerful lungs, making Matteo wince. “Aurora, you're hurting my feelings here.” Then, her husband declares, “Just for the record, that is still her favorite word that’s not gibberish. She’s a liar.”

A hint of a laugh hushes over Luna’s mouth. Her mood already lifts, the weight on her chest fades and as her hand finds her belly again, gently stroking it, she thinks that perhaps she’s done crying for today.

Little Aurora, however, isn’t as happy anymore. “Coglio!” she yells at her dad, once, twice.

Luna frowns. She waits for a second, allowing her brain to catch up on the meaning, and when realization hits, it’s not so surprising anymore that Matteo remains silent.

“Matteo?”

“Yes, my love?” A casual tone, too casual in fact.

“Was that supposed to be an Italian curse word?”

Silence. Then, a groan. “I used it for Gastón once, okay? Once. He annoyed me so much with his stupid puns and it just kinda… slipped. But since then, she keeps repeating it, while ‘please’ is just too hard for her to say, I guess, since she only heard that one about a million times.”

“You’re…” she takes a breath to scold him, half-serious about the annoyance she’s intending to show. But he cuts her off with a smirk that she can hear all through the phone, which sounds dangerous enough all on its own. “No, no, no, don’t act like you’re all innocent here. I first thought I’d let it slip, you know, to be a nice husband, but now you asked for it, chica delivery. Would you mind explaining to me why your daughter keeps mumbling something that sounds suspiciously like baby talk for your favorite curse word, hm? Because I definitely don’t use it, so you better not give me shit right now.”

Speechless, Luna listens to his ramble.

Matteo has a point, of course, maybe she used cabrón one too many times in front of her baby girl. But to be fair, she never expected him to find out…

“Don’t you have anything to say to your defense?” her husband inquires, chuckling.

She clears her throat. “I mean, I can still blame Simón for teaching her naughty words. You’ve got nothing on me, chico fresa.”

“Ah, that’s where Rory has the whole lying thing from.”

“While it’s your fault she’s as dramatic as you are. If you could keep your dignity while throwing tantrums, you would never stop.”

By the time Matteo gasps in pretended offense, Luna’s grin deepens. The few days apart from him made her long for these silly banters more than she ever deemed possible. At home, not a day goes by without at least one teasing comment in the other’s direction, and over the years she grew as used to it as to the comfort of his touch. Since she arrived here at the conference, stepped into halls too crowded to get reasonable internet connection to chat with him, it becomes more and more obvious to her how much they both enjoy gently mocking each other.

When Matteo begins to argue he’s not that dramatic, therefore his daughter can’t be either, said little troublemaker cries out. He sighs. “Can you hold on for a minute? She’s ready for dinner now and…”

“She won’t eat unless you sing to her?” Luna finishes the sentence. “I told you, she learned from the best.”

“Aww, thanks, babe,” he giggles in a pitched voice, before he pauses and adds, “She is so damn extra. Hm, you tiny troublemaker? Insisting on your demands like the cute diva you are?” In a sing-song Matteo tells Aurora how soon she’ll outdo every spoiled starlet he ever met in the course of his career, but from the content babble that follows, Luna figures dinner won’t be a problem for today. Or for as long as Matteo sings, really.

The next time her husband takes a short break from feeding their chica fresa and complains about Rory’s eating habits, Luna suggests calling his best friend. “You could ask him about spoiled toddlers, I’m pretty sure he can tell you a weird habit or two about Felicia as well.”

“Hm, yeah… no. This is really weird. And I’m not talking about the singing.” He sounds horrified, which brings back pictures of one particular evening where Rory decided to be extremely picky.

And a bit gross.

“Oh boy, please don’t say she wants to eat her veggies with chocolate yoghurt again.” With a glare into the ice cream bucket in front of her, Luna notices her dessert melted and now resembles that yoghurt way too much.

She pushes the bucket away.

“Nope,” Matteo replies, to which Luna breathes in relief. Maybe she can still enjoy her sugar treat, after all. “Trust me, this is worse.” (Or maybe not.)

Taking the spoon out, she licks it, while she wonders what could be worse than veggies and chocolate yoghurt. Nothing comes to her mind, although she’s sure Matteo will explain whatever it is in great, disturbing detail.

Of course, he doesn’t let her down. “Remember when you were full of pride that our baby will be half Mexican and half Italian and said that it will be so cool?”

“Oh boy, please, just make it quick. What did she do?”

“She put spaghetti in a tortilla. Or, forced me to put spaghetti in a tortilla for her.”

“Ugh, what? Gross!” Luna gasps, quickly covering her mouth with her hand. It’s not that late, but she isn’t exactly keen on provoking any attention from other hotel guests, or worse, be heard by the paparazzi lurking outside. Sighing, she gets up to close the window.

Spaghetti in a tortilla, that must be the weirdest and most cliché combination Aurora has come up with so far.

“I know,” Matteo says. “It’s such a disgrace to the pasta.”

///

They stay talking on the phone for easily an hour more. Matteo puts her on speaker as he changes Aurora into her pajama and with a smile, Luna listens to the lullaby he puts her to sleep with.

However, as nice as being part of the nightly ritual is, his silence warns her the moment he closes the bedroom door behind him and walks back into the living room.

“Luna,” he whispers, her name as fragile in the air as a floating bubble. “Are you okay? I didn’t expect you to be crying when I called you.”

“Yes,” she mumbles back. “I just missed you and it got a bit too much.” Laying on the bed, her legs dangle from the edge, draw circles into the air that give her thoughts a calm rhythm to think to. It’s a bit embarrassing to look back on all the tissues she wasted with her crying, especially when the reason was so… not exactly meaningless, but simple.

“Aww, little moon, is the convention that bad? That you can’t be three days without your favorite fresa?”

Luna snorts, although it comes out weak towards the end. “Let your pregnant wife be emotional, okay?”

“But you’re having fun, right? Meeting some cool people who you can show off to with your medals and titles?”

He’s only half serious, but sometimes, Luna wonders if Matteo forgets that she’s not the center of the figure skating world. So far Luna felt like the others were the ones impressing her, not the other way around. She got introduced to people who won everything there was to win, who competed in three, if not four Olympics, who dedicated their whole life to this sport since they were little kids. And yes, she claimed the title as world champion for a few years, and she’s infinitely proud of her Olympic gold medals. But she’ll never be close to achieving legend status like the skaters around her, and that’s okay for her.

“I am having fun,” she admits, quickly smiling, yet carefully as to not let it slip into her voice. “You know, it’s actually nice to be more than just your wife for once. No one really cares about you here, or only very little.”

No reply, not even a snort. Just silence.

“Your ego can handle that, right?”

///

When Matteo unlocks the door, he swears he’s going to fall on the sofa and won’t move again until it’s time to go to bed. Interviews tend to be fun, but Jazmín didn’t interview him, no, she interrogated him. Squeezed him like an orange for breakfast juice, and now he feels drained of every last bit of energy. Not even blasting his favorite songs on the ride back home helped to forget her over-excited laugh or the never-ending questions, about the meaning of each new song, about Luna, about his family.

Just the thought of having to promote this episode next week makes him want to delete every single social media account he has.

With a sigh, he slips out of his jacket and loudly announces to Luna that he’s back. No answer, instead, silence greets him. Perhaps she’s napping somewhere, wouldn’t be the first time, although jealousy stings him at the mere thought. Not only can Luna spend more time with their chica fresa, she also manages to doze off before dinner, yet doesn’t struggle to fall asleep at night while Matteo can only dare to dream about day-time naps.

If you ask him, it’s not really fair. (But he chose this, after all.)

He trots into the living room. Knowing his sleeping beauty, he needs a solid plan to wake her up, but all ideas fall short as soon as he discovers her on the couch. The view in front of him surprises him, charms him, all while a warm fuzzy sensation lingers in his chest.

He might have expected his girls to be asleep, but he didn’t expect them to be asleep together. Luna’s hair is spread out over her shoulders, head supported on the cushions and her mouth opened just enough to give his wife a peaceful (and maybe a little bit dumb) expression. On one side of her, Matteo spots an open book, little Aurora’s favorite, a story full of tiny adorable animals and terrible rhymes. Too many times did they read it to her until her eyes slowly fluttered shut, too easily can he recall those lines. But it doesn’t quite matter, not when his daughter rests against Luna’s still growing bump, snoring gently.

It’s the cutest thing he has seen all week.

They neither wake up from his soft hello kisses nor from the picture he snaps for the next family collage. Only when dinner warms up in a pan and the delicious smell of risotto fills the room does Luna join him.

“I didn’t notice you were home,” she mumbles, hugging him from behind the exact moment the baby decides to kick. Right into his back. It doesn’t really hurt, but Matteo winces anyway. “Damn, this one’s definitely a troublemaker.” A short kiss for his wife and he leans down to gently follow their little one’s movements. “Hm, tiny peanut? Hello to you too.”

“You know it’s weird how you say peanut when it feels more like a watermelon.”

He chuckles and checks how much the risotto heated up. While he feeds her a spoonful, he replies, “I’m not gonna call our baby a watermelon just because it’s more accurate. You were the one who suggested to wait with the name and all. So, peanut it is.”

“But why peanut? Why don’t you say… I don’t know, raisin?”

“Because raisins are gross, duh. They’re the wrinkly grandmas of grapes, I’m not eating that.”

Luna chuckles as she shakes her head. “You’re not supposed to eat our baby.”

“Sometimes I get the feeling you think I’m stupid,” Matteo pouts, earning him a soft pat on his cheek. It’d be a cute gesture if it wasn’t for her answer. “Only sometimes?”  

“Haha, you’re so funny, Valente.”

She sticks out her tongue at him.

Matteo sighs in surrender, then changes his mind. “So, since we’re talking names now, what do you think about Violet Drizzle? Or Sven Olaf?”

“Sven Olaf? Like from Frozen?” With the nod he gives her, his wife seems to realize where this is going.

She pops her finger bones like she’s about to step in the ring.

“Sure. Why not Misery? Or what about Ben Jerry? Unicorna?” Rolling his eyes, Matteo tries to shake off the laughter. Fails. Coming up with ridiculous baby names isn’t hard, he knows too many celebrities and their children, but he didn’t expect Luna to play along so quickly. (And fairly, so brilliantly.)

Within the blink of an eye, he follows her suggestions with five more. In the span of three minutes, they’re bickering like it’s the most important competition of their lives. Ideas are traded back and forth, and so is their laughter.

But none of their names clearly outdoes the others, and they’re both too stubborn to surrender. Except when he’s about to suggest a draw, Luna makes him laugh so hard he almost burns dinner.

His wife snorts, although the huge grin on her face gives her away. “Jeez, chico fresa, if you’re as careful with Fresa Risotto as you are with our dinner I might have to raise my kid alone.” Snatching the spoon out of his hands, she shoves him towards the sofa. “Why don’t you just go and wake Aurora up? She asked about you all afternoon.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he salutes before he caresses her bump one last time and leaves the kitchen, grinning. His daughter already blinks her eyes open at him.

She’s tired. Still tired and clearly confused and not quite landed in reality yet. Once the last shreds of sleep let go of her, though, she squeals and claps her hands in excitement. Just like her momma, Matteo thinks as he picks her up to press a kiss on her forehead.

Aurora beams with joy.

“Hello, my sunshine, did you sleep well?” When she babbles something that he assumes to mean yes, he asks if she wants to be a little airplane. Of course, Rory nods – she’ll never say no to her favorite game after all.

When Luna calls him for dinner, he’s still whirling his baby girl around and around and around.

///

“Did you call Simón today?”

He’s sitting in front of the couch, Aurora on his lap. Since her favorite toy disappeared without a trace, she’s been whiny, but cuddling with him distracts her enough to give Luna time to find it.

His wife nods. “Yeah, he sounded really excited to be back on tour. Greetings from Pedro, by the way.”

“Thanks. Did you talk to him, too?”

“No,” she replies, and sighs when Rory’s little plush cat remains nowhere to be found. “We weren’t on the phone for long, Simón seemed kinda… busy.”

Matteo sends her a look. Usually, they ended up chatting for hours especially on a day like this, with no concert in the evening. “Huh?”

His chica fresa plants her hands all over his face. When he kisses her little sneaky fingers, she giggles. “Come on, Matteo,” Luna meanwhile groans at him. “I told you about Emma and him. You said he obviously had a type and all. Now, if I could just find this stupid kitty…” Before he gets a chance to remember Emma, Luna waddles out of the room.

Matteo prays she finds the plush toy quickly. He wants his intel, after all.

///

She’s clumsy. Not normally, all this training to become a world champion wasn’t for nothing. But her bump makes it hard to navigate her own body sometimes, and she can barely spot her feet. Can’t spot them at all, to be correct.

So, of course she stumbles over the bright red plastic car on the floor.

Matteo blinks at her confused, then breaks into laughter. She tries to catch the kitten in her hand, almost catches it. Accidently throws it up into the air again, reaches out again. Ultimately fails, because it’s keeping her balance or the plush toy.

Her husband still laughs. “Don’t bother,” he manages to get out once she tries to bow down enough to grab it. (Her belly. Naturally. She feels like a walrus.)

But it’s not Matteo who picks the kitty up or presses it against his chest with a cry of joy. It’s her daughter, who must have escaped her daddy’s grasp and now clutches her fingers around the worn out plush. Dragging her regained treasure along, she crawls back to Matteo before she sits down to stare at Luna.

A frown appears on her forehead.

“What’s the matter, sweetie?” Luna asks. “I’m sorry I couldn’t find Mr. Whiskers earlier.”

Rory stares. And frowns. And stares. The grin on Matteo’s face slowly dies.

“What are you planning, fresita?” he whispers, although too late. One last skeptical glance and their baby girl tosses her cat into the air and watches it fall down.

Matteo is rolling on the floor. “I can’t believe I have two Lunas now,” he pants before losing his breath from all the laughter.

Rory beams with pride and repeats it a second and a third and a tenth time.

///

He makes it up to her with a massage. Their little sunshine is dozing off in her bedroom, their favorite show flickers over the TV screen and he even prepared a hot chocolate for her.

“Didn’t you want to tell me something about Simón’s new blondie?” he asks so casual that she’ll probably figure he’s been thinking about it for at least an hour.

Rolling her eyes, Luna gently slaps his arm. “Rude, chico fresa. Emma might be blonde too, but she’s not like Ámbar.”

“You still meant to tell me.”

“You’re right, I was.”

He presses a kiss on her neck. Maybe she’ll scold him for setting her up on a distraction without letting her finish, but her skin is warm and soft and he’s just a man who loves his wife a bit too much. (To his surprise, she even robs backwards on the couch until she lays against his chest.) “So,” he whispers into her ear, “how do I know Emma?”

“She spent a few weeks in the Roller back during my last year of school, remember? I think they met up during the promo gigs or something.”

“And they’re good together?”

Luna tilts her head for their eyes to meet. She smiles. “I’m pretty sure they’ll marry each other one day.”

His hands wrap around her bump. Carefully traces the baby’s little kicks, while he thinks if Simón was half as happy as he feels, the guitarist would get incredibly lucky. “You believe he might overthink what he said about not wanting to get married ever?”

“Sure,” she smiles, again, and steals a kiss from his lips. “That was after Ámbar, after all. Emma is different. And you know him, he’s an old romantic.”

“Like me.”

“Nah, you’re just cheesy.”

Offended, he gasps. But in the totally not fake dramatic argument that follows, they both think how they wouldn’t trade this for anything else in the whole wide world, because as long as they’re together, everything will work out fine.

[saeaenity]

Taekook Fic Recommendation List

ESince I’ve been reading nothing but things related to taekook, I think i need to turn this guilty pleasure activity into something more productive. Productive may not be the best word to describe this but at least i tRied.

(*) : Recommended, (**) : Highly recommended, (***) : I kid you not, you’re missing out on a lot of things if you didn’t read it.

1. House of Cards by Sugamins | E | 394,890 | Gangsters!AU (***)

Jungkook is the heir to a mob empire, the most notorious in the whole of Seoul. Taehyung is a rookie sent in to infiltrate by his select team and bring the empire crumbling down.

"You knew the game and played it, it kills to know that you have been defeated."

note : This is honestly the best fic I’ve ever read and I’m not even exaggerating it. At first, I thought this fic was boring because it was a long read (man, 394,000 words? like, what the fuck?) . But turns out, it was the opposite. The character’s characterization was done in the most eloquent way possible. The plot and the way the author wrote the story gave me goosebumps. It took me 1 week to emotionally recover from this fic  (Heck, it’s been 4 months and I still haven’t fully recovered from this fic). Even tho it is said that it will not only describe the relationship between taehyung and jungkook but also jimin and jungkook, worry not because they’re still bearable. Also, watch this trailer.

2. Stop My Heart by Wowoashley | E | 106,781 | (***)

"What does it feel like?"

"What?"

"Knowing you fixed the heart of the man who broke yours?"

note : Ok this is actually my first taekook fic and then it got me infatuated by both BTS and taekook so I think y’all could imagine how good this fic is. The first thing I learned while reading this and some other fic(s) made by Wowoashley is how she/he was able to write the best smut scene. The scene(s) were filled with sexual tension and emotion that it got me shivering. Moreover, Jungkook is definitely a maknae on top. 

3. Cuz in a Sky Full of Stars (I think I Saw you) by Wowoashley | E | not completed, 64,071 | FakeRelationship!AU (***)

taehyung always has bad ideas. and jeongguk thinks this might be the best.

note : cute cute cute cute sin cute cute sin cute cute

4. Pick me up, buttercup by Vppa | G | 9,272 | Soulmates!AU (**)

AU where your soulmate's first words to you will be tattooed on your wrist when you meet.

Which freakin sucks, because Jungkook's forearm will now forever read "Hey baby, if you were a booger, I'd pick you first."

What the fuck, universe.

note : I don’t believe I was able to read a G-rated fic but I don’t regret my life decision because this is perfection.

5. Children’s Motrin by taetertot | G | 42,708 | not completed, College!AU (*)

When Jeongguk's parents die on his 18th birthday, he decides to take guardianship of his 3 year old brother, Jimin. One year later, he's slumped on a dirty grocery store tile floor with a 4 year old with glassy eyes and flushed cheeks. 13 dollars in his pocket will pay for his cheap bread and eggs, but it won't pay for cheap bread and eggs and $9.89 Motrin for his little brother's fever. And he's not going to let the boy who approached them with lavender hair and golden skin pay for it, no matter how sweet he is. 

note : This fic is full of fluff and for those of you who are thirsty, you might be able to mine some cheesy scene(s) from this fic. Cheesy in a good way. I don’t recommend you reading this fic If you don’t like kids tho.

6. Refrigerator Hmming, Chewing Gum and Instant Karma by Locks | E | 61,449 | Gangster!AU (**)

Taehyung sets the flowers down on the dining table, plucking the card off the little holder. "Dearest Taehyung, just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you. I hope you're thinking about me too. Love--" he pauses and squints before cocking an eyebrow and pursing his lips. "Hyung, why is the boss of your little boy band gang professing his love for me?"

Yoongi drops the noodles on the floor with a loud curse as he burns his hand.

Or, Taehyung's been trying his hardest to avoid Yoongi's criminal life for a long ass time, but a cute kid and his infuriating father keep pulling him deeper into the mix.

note : After reading House of Cards  by Sugamins, it really put all other Mafia!AU/Gangster!AU fic to shame. Because nothing tops that. But I think this fic is good because the amount of sexual tension and the tense in general are enough.  And it’s not a horrible experience to read this after reading House of Cards. 

7. Cut Out All the Ropes (Let Me Fall) by  aeterisks | E | 76,763 | Fashion&Models!AU, Hate to Love relationship (***)

Being Korea's most successful model has been working pretty well for Taehyung. That is, until Jeon Jeongguk appears.

note : If you like fic(s) with ‘Hate to Love’ relationship, this is the best one i promies because I’m such a sLUT for ‘hate to love’ relationship.

8. Our Red Scarf (Keep Me Warm) by MirreRover | E | 42,212 | College!AU (***)

Jeongguk is trouble. Taehyung likes trouble a bit more than he probably should.

Just don't tell Jimin about it.

note : The angst got me crying like a bitj but it’s so fluff and full of sin at the same time. I love this.

9. Maybe We Found Love (Right Where We Are) by  Wowoashley | E | 29,477 | College!AU (**)

maybe they're a little bit ridiculous, but people always did fall in love in the strangest ways. 

note : Wowoashley is back again with its slayin’ fanfiction. The suspense between Taehyung and Jungkook is both satifying and adorable. Tahyung is a fan and Jungkook is an idol but they somehow have a Hate to Love relationship, which I am a slut for.

10. Take Me Home (Take It Slow) by  Buttstrife | E | 76,235 | CanonDivergence!AU (**)

Jungkook is an idol and Taehyung is his chaebol sponsor.

note : This is so cute and even though it could move in a fast pace, this fic is progressing in a slow pace. This is a good fanfiction to understand the correlation between artist and sponsors in the K-pop Industry.

11. Hercules by  GinForInk | E | 11,593 | (***)

Taehyung forgets his strength kink until Jungkook picks him up during a group project meeting.

note : Fukc the smut was so good and fluffy. I never knew I’d love Jungkook manhandling Taehyung this much. Kind of a short and quick one but satisfying.

12. Get Me Out Of My Mind (Get You Out Of Those Clothes) by  taekookmusings | E |15,797 | College!AU (**) 

Taehyung never thought he'd fall in love with his roommate. Then again, he never thought his roommate would have been a literal gift from god either.

note : I love jealous Taehyung omg and this is so fluffffff (but also full of sin). A slow-built relationship? Idk it’s somehow in between.

13. Kiss Me Hard Before You Go by  Mindheist | E | 20,271 | FakeDating!AU (***)

Dramatization. Do not try at home.

note : Taehyung and Jungkook confused with what the hell is going on between them will always be my fav. Angst is pretty real and Vmin’s friendship is soo sweet, as always. So fluffy I don’t even know whether I still have my own heart because it’s been screaming “CUTE” all over again. Moreover, I’m also a slut for FakeDating!AU so yeah.

14. Rich Bitch by  Mindheist | E | 28,654 | Melodrama!AU (**)

  When you make six figures a year, Valentino isn’t that big of a deal.

note : It’s cute. They’re cute. Though the part where Jungkook is a millionaire since he was so smol got my jaw wide-opened. Kind of unrealistic but I still love the way it was written, as expected from mindheist. ANGSTY gosh.

15. Serve and Protect by Neptune_scar | E | 43,043 | Police!AU (*)

After a grueling two years of police university training, Kim Taehyung is excited to join the ranks of Seoul Metropolitan Police Agency's new recruits. But getting partnered up with senior police officer, Jeon Jungkook, just might be his biggest challenge yet.

note : At some point, I was quite confused with Jungkook’s characterization because it always shifts from this to that Jungkook or from that to this Jungkook. I’m not even kidding, I was waiting for the smut part but there was none? Idk why it is labelled as Explicit though. 

16. Keep the Water Warm by Sassyneki | E | 59,884 | College!AU (***)

“Get the fuck out of this room, Kim Taehyung.”

The last thing Taehyung expected this summer was to meet his new family, but as with all things, he's willing to give it a shot. He's willing to try. Too bad his new stepbrother doesn't feel the same way. 

note : I love this soo much. It’s cute and full of sin but at the same time it’s also angsty and confusing. Kind of confused with the denouement but that’s FINe because the work itself is a masterpiece.

17.  Pour Up (Drank) by  Mindheist | E | 41,770 | College!AU (**)

If you can read this, take another shot.

note : I love greek system in College!AU since I live in a country where greek system is non-existent. It is such a shame because they’re interesting. This fic is interesting but I’m not down for the romantic part.

18. Then there's the landing by  Sharleena | E | IceSkating!AU (**)

“The thing about Figure Skating is that it’s the most brutal sport disguised as something incredibly beautiful to look at, something elegant and frail. Just like Kim Taehyung.

note : Amazing fic is all I have to say because the sexual tension is just, whoa.

[pegasus-ghost]

It's finally 2020.

I am officially 30, and it's finally 1st January 2020.

And how about a summary of a whole decade? 2009-2019? From when I was 20 to 30?

2009 : Age 20

I was still studying. I kept shit to myself. Played stupid games on computers. Studied English major which was also stupid. Didn't socialize with anyone and didn't talk to my housemates. I don't even know their names. Had a small group of friends. 5 people. More like there were 3 of us initially but another 2 started being close with us after a group project.

Dated i think. Went on blind dates. Horrible.

2010 : Age 21

Still in University. Nothing changed. I think this was when I was involved with theaters called the Pearl. Only did props but I think I barely contributed shit.

I think this was also when I actively went for a driving license test near my university and training after failing for 2 times (after spending so much money!) at my hometown. I fucking passed, and I remember being so fucking happy and relieved! I barely passed tho, I think the officer liked me because I asked him about his sunglasses.

Oh and.... I remember I was heavily involved with Kim from my dark times, by being a person called chipsmore. Eduardo. Let's not talk about that.

2011 : Age 22

Went for my internship as an English teacher at a vocational high school. Was also a warden for the boys dormitory there. Had memories in checking everyone's attendance, and do spot-check and found them hiding their radios and cellphones. So much memories. From students punching each other in my class, students not respecting me, me crying in class and after class because I was so fucking angry, and losing my voice (YES I LOST MY FULL VOICE) because I yelled too often, because the students were too noisy and not listening to me. Was also involved with English day, training kids with other teachers to present choir. I remembered our lecturer who was in charge of me and my colleagues for the internship is this military guy. Good looking but stern.

I also drove my dad's car during the internship and was the only person among my colleagues who has a car, which made me the target for the rest of my colleagues to use for grocery shopping and going out to eat. I remember feeling super fucking nervous because I just got a license and I don't have experience in driving yet so it was nerve racking to be forced to drive everywhere by my colleagues.

Was also involved in a fight between two other interns, one of it was my colleague and the other was an intern from another school. They talk shit about each other and somehow both of them trusted me to keep their secrets.

I had a crush with this other intern as well from another school because she looked like my ex. My colleagues found out and pushed me to talk to her. One day, my roommate (the intern from another school, and friends with my crush) left his phone while in the shower. I snuck in the texts and read them and I saw the texts from my crush scolding him not to associate her with me anymore because she doesn't like me. Man. Was crushed. But I brush it off.

Finished my fucking thesis too!! I was ridiculed and criticised so much when presenting my data and thesis to my lecturer while doing the internship and I was so fed up, I just need to get it over with. When the lecturer finally accepted my thesis, I got out of the office and yelled and danced happily!! You know that feeling when you're pumped with adrenaline, just feeling super pumped.

This was also the year where I got my first job as an English mentor for kids. God. What a fucking nightmare dealing with kids. I remembered having a serious headache from all the stress and shock on my first day. I hated the job. I hated kids. I fucking hated how they monitor classes with a camera. And I hated my colleagues too. There was an incident where they played secret santa and I left my gift in a drawer for this other guy. Which apparently was a big deal and they keep saying out loud enough so I can hear it, wondering 'who' was it who was rude enough to go inside someone's office and open people's drawers. The fuck. I didn't even steal anything. All I did was leaving the gift in the drawer as a surprise.

I also dragged Kim, yes the guy from my dark times, (he doesn't know I was also Eduardo) as my housemate back then. It was fine at first, but I got super mad when I found out he brought back a girl home and fuck her on the first date, on the bed I let him borrow. I scolded him like HELL. He stopped talking with me afterwards. We had a cold war.

I remember feeling super stressed in that house too. Homesick constantly that I cried alone in my room. I always don't have enough money to support myself, pay rent and my dad's car. I always have to borrow money from my mom. I tried asking my boss at the time if there's possibility of salary increase in the future but unfortunately not. I resigned and gave 1 months notice. But the stupid hoe kick me out right then and there, told me my last day was that day itself and I need to pack up. It was horrible.

2012 : Age 23

With the help of my uncle, I got a job as a project secretary. He had his own computer supplier company and I was involved in this project where the company supplies computers to the national post offices through the entire country. The project was terrible. I witnessed how dark the corporate world is, where people lobby, bribe, pay money to win projects from the government. Pay prostitutes. Alcohols. Night clubs, just to satisfy the client so that they could win that project. I remember the client was a super fat fuck too, and my project manager was a bitch. She forced me and another colleague to fake our signatures on papers, to indicate that 'as in' the post office has received the computers we supplied, when the fact is it's all fake documents. I told my family about this and my dad was furious because it could get me to jail, because these documents will be audited. He went to my office to meet my workaholic bitch boss personally. After that, everyone alienated me and stopped talking to me. I decided to quit only after a month working there.

Then comes my dark ages. I was jobless from February - October, I think. 9 fucking months of doing nothing. I didn't wanna do anything except eat and sleep and play games. I think I was depressed. Felt like a loser. My family didn't interrupt. They let me be. But this was also when I started going back to my, let's call it, dark times. I met someone online again. And I fell head over heels over this person. I never obsessively loved anyone in my entire life, drunk with love, than with this person. But too much love was destructive. The person withdrew from me from being suffocated and it ended there.

In November, I don't know what happened but I started picking up the pace and looked for jobs again. I found a job and nailed the interview because I told them my experience of quitting my job when I found out the company faked documents for a project. They loved my honesty and they're looking for an honest person to manage their distributor center since there's cash involved. A lovely couple.

But! This was also a weird experience. I didnt realize it at first. The husband kept doing all this motivational talks and I helped of course with the operation. He kept talking about getting rich and being part of his organization and having dreams. He sells this product to people and ask them to join his organization as a member and buy more products. I never liked how the operation was. It was too cheesy and how you gain success and money is to force people to sign up and buy your products monthly and recruit more and more members. Don't get me wrong, the couple were sweet and honest. But I didn't like what they were doing.

2013 : Age 24

Shit just got worse for the job. Well not like BAD bad. But before that, I'll fill you on something else.

I started opening up and dating again. Can't remember how we met, I think it was online. First of all I dated this girl who worked at a hotel. I was super impressed with her success because she told me she manages 2 hotels and she's aggressive when it comes to career. But she was an asshole. Seriously. I didn't see it back then because I was blinded by love but she never loved me. When I pick her up, she asked me to pick her up at someplace further away from the restaurant she was at, because she was too embarrassed to have her friends there see her with me. Then she kept a guys photo, I started to think she lied to me about being single and that she actually has another boyfriend. She called me honey but one day she accidentally called me by a different name. She even use a photo of her with another guy as a profile picture, and she said it was her ex. Other than that, she was the first human that forced me into physical sex. And I did it because I loved her. What an idiot. She forced me to do anal. And forced me to satisfy her. But she never satisfied me. Even forced me to lick her pussy till she cums. Felt used tho.

After that, I dated this other girl. A childish one. Said she was single. But never once did she use her money to treat me when dating. She was a slobbery person when kissing, she drools A LOT. I remember feeling icky whenever we french kissed because of how much drool she had in my mouth. She was also the one who forced me into having sex too. More like oral. But instead of satisfying her, she was the one who gave me blowjobs and made me cum a few times, at least that was nice. But then drama happened. Her ex bf came looking for me and asked to meet. Then begged me to leave her because he still loves her. I found out from the ex bf that she was abusive and using him for money, and it didn't help that he was an orphan with no money. I kept telling him to ditch this girl, but he refused. I broke up with her after that and found out that the two got back together. And even married now! Like what an idiot.

Okay so back to my job. So later on, the couple told me that they have to shut down the center in July, which means I won't have a job. The problem was that their competitor bought so many products by bulk and them sell it off to supermarkets at a cheap price that it hurts their business, because people stop buying their products and joining their organization because they could get a cheaper price at a supermarket. So the couple decide to quit and join a competitor market instead. A market they have been telling people NOT to buy all these time. I was fine with it. But then only I realised that... Well.. IT WAS ACTUALLY AN MLM COMPANY I HAVE BEEN WORKING FOR ALL ALONG.

I was... An absolute idiot. So naive.

So after that, I was jobless again for 3 months. In October, I nailed an interview to become a call center agent for an international bank just because I told the interviewer that my hobby is to sew things. She was impressed because I could sew things and I have a unique hobby.

I remember thinking, hey I'll just work there for a while and it would be so cool because I get access to all these customer data for banking and ther s security cameras everywhere that I have to watch for.

But it was good. This job is the first job that got me a really stable finance and good career prospect.

2014 : Age 25

Still worked as a call center agent. But I was promoted to premier executive, helping VIP customers instead. It was challenging, dealing with heck of a lot of money, helping them with time deposits, their loans, credit cards. My English got better here, despite hating the job that needs me to talk constantly.

Here is where I know this loudmouth guy who was seriously two faced. He was an extrovert and basically forced me into a friendship with him at first we were close. But the sooner I get to know him, the more I don't like him. He could be so nice and friendly to you and talk the ugliest shit about you behind your back the second you turn your back on him. So ugly. He also dates like tons of girls behind his steady girlfriends back. Even had oral sex and shit with these girls. Bragged to me about how rich these girls are and how all of them are crazy over him. He was also dating this one girl from our department this one time, while cheating on his gf of course, and I drove them to a park and fell asleep at night in the car while the two of them were at the back. After we got home, he told me he had a blowjob from her at the back seat of my car while I was asleep. What??

Then this guy started moving to sales team, and I stopped talking with him afterwards. I think he got the point too and stop talking to me. I never had anymore friends after that because I was more comfortable being alone.

2015 : Age 26

This was the year when I bought my first car that still use to this day, thanks to Liam for forcing me. My blue car I call Zeff. I didn't think a car was a good idea because it would hurt my finance and I didn't need a car because I travel by bus to work. But he forced me, telling me that I need this because when else do I have a car then? Said that I'm getting older and I need like... A car? But I fell for it because the car colour was nice.

Work wise, not much happened. I remember stepping out of my comfort zone and woke a Pikachu hoodie, feeling extremely anxious that people will look at me funny. Turns out that they all liked it and started calling me Pikachu because of it. Was even known in the office because of the Pikachu hoodie.

And then yes, dark times. I started gotten involved again with another guy, again, because he was depressed and I tried to help. ended up him falling hard for me. He was an orphan and went through so much shit. I even helped him get a job at my office. He didn't know I was a guy. I told him I work there but I don't wanna meet him. But I keep leaving gifts and stuff for him in his locker as a surprise. Sigh.

This was also the year I started dating my last ex. An asshole too. Long story short this girl just abandoned my needs. I don't even feel like we were a couple. It felt more like friends. We never even touch or kissed because she said she fucked her ex last time and she felt horrible and she doesn't want to do it again. She was only a part time lecturer, had not much money. No car. But loved the hell out of computers. I tried to show interest in computers and learn from her but I just couldn't. Because it's notu thing. Always have to travel to her constantly and she lives super far away, like in a different state. Not much memorable things with her apart from feeling that I hated how 'casual' this all feels with her.

Also, she once showed me that she kept a box filled with lovey dovey memories between her and her ex. I remembered crying like crazy in the car in front of her because I was so angry and upset to find out that she did INDEED had this 'soft' side of her which I believe wanted so badly. She still had no mercy. She was cold and told me that unfortunately she has grown cold since then. Fuck off with that bitch.

2016 : Age 27

This was the year when I joined night shift and LOVED it. Night shift for a call center was heaven. Not much falls. We could even sleep sometimes. Not busy like in the morning. I ended up finishing so many novels and books because I had so much free time at work to read than do my job. I remembered reading TONS of books during night shift.

Was also dating the bitch still. Yes was also dating the 'guy' still too.

This was also when I resigned. I resigned in November and my night shift colleagues were so nice to me. I joined another company because my extroverted 'ex-friend' reached out to me about this opportunity to become a recruiter. I thought it was an interesting job prospect. Went for the interview and didn't even do my best. I did what I could. Ended up getting the job

Which led me to make another big change in my life.

The work is in the city, and I start the new job in December. So end of November, me and my brother scouted around for a rent house and we found one. We went through the moving process and shit. All the way in the city.

December, I started the new job. Fuck I was super surprised how this new job ended up like. I became a recruiter, contacting candidates from USA for job opportunities. My first team handled a giant chemical company as a client. It was super hard and there wasn't that much training. The training and introduction was fucked up and bad. Not to mention that the whole fucking operation were like sales. It's all based on numbers. How many candidates you contacted? How many resumes reviewed? How many people applied for the job? If your number is low, you get scolded. Just like in sales. You know how much I HATE talking to people. I fucking hate talking, and now I have to sell jobs? It's a sales job! And my ex friend was not honest with me about what the whole job was like. All he wanted was the referral money once he got me in. I remember crying every single day in my first and second month because I was super stressed, feeling incapable of shit and promised myself I'm gonna quit and find another job.

Also, in December, I remember that it was my birthday and I bought a ticket for a midnight show, only to find out that it was actually for 12pm the next day, not 12am. I felt so bad because it means she had to stay a night in the city. I asked her to sleep in my house and sleep on the couch but she refused and insisted she stayed at a cyber cafe. Then she asked me if we can kiss. That was weird. So I did. But I tried french kissing which she didn't appreciate. But nonetheless she was happy af that she got a kiss from me. But me? I didn't think it was a big deal. I didn't even love her. She wanted one so I gave one. That's all.

2017 : Age 28

In January, I got my bitch ex recruited in my company because I pitied her that she lost her job. She finally got that job and started in january. But shit went down. I thought when we are working in the same company, it means we will be closer. But no. Turns out she felt suffocated that I need to see her and go out with her every single day to the point that she stop talking with me and ignored me the entire week. In February, Valentine's day, I went and find her at her flat house. I was surprised to find that she had a guy as housemates when she refused to sleep in my house a month back with an excuse that it's not proper for a guy and girl to sleep in one house. I confronted her with this and I gave her the option whether we fix this or break up, because I don't wanna waste my time if she keep acting this way. She proceed with break up. Then I told her "you know what? I never loved you anyway".

Oooooh apparently that fucked her up SOOO bad.

Because she kept grudges with me untill now, because apparently she had genuinely loved me? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

for that entire fucking year, she was still working with the company I was in and I had to bear living the rest of my year ignoring the fucker.

Okay there's that. That's the last ex.

Work? Actually I got better at my job for some reason. I joined another team who makes phone interviews for candidates for a call center job. It was literally DOZENS Of them and I worked so fucking hard calling and calling, it felt like a call center job again. But on a positive note, my teammate was this one girl who just got out of a break up. She was mentally unstable and told me her story. And I had to cover most of her work because of her long break recovering from her tooth surgery as well as breaking down in the toilet, crying because of the break up.

She appreciated me so much and felt like she could never repay me for sticking my neck out for her, covering her ass for the client and team that she even contacted me to this day, thinking of me as a good friend.

2018 : Age 29

Hallelujah! In January, my fucking ex resigned. Lol. Joined another company.

I don't think I have much happening this year apart from going to work and back home. My work gets better. This year is when I join a new team, managing a client who recruits aviation engineers. It was great. Great team mates too.

However I started applying other jobs too I think by this year. And someone from an IT company found me. My new boss/colleague now. Best person I've ever known. Called me for an interview and believe it or not, he was the first person I've seen who actually looked through my certificates in my files during the interview. At first the job was for a recruiter position. IT recruitment. I don't have experience in IT at all but I gave it a shot anyways. To my surprise, he told me that actually he has another job for me. An HR admin. He was worried that I wouldn't like it. But WHAT THE FUCK NO I LOVE THAT JOB!

I have been searching for YEARS for a job that doesn't require me to talk to people AND pay good money. All admin jobs paid like shit. And you need experience for those too. I didn't have jack shit.

And this guy, he offered me the job of my dreams, which pays a higher salary. OF COURSE I WOULD TAKE IT! plus it's right next to the train station which was super fucking convenient. I quit my recruiter job in December and joined the new company next year.

I was later told by him that the reason he chose me was not because of my experience, but I spoke good English and my certificate shows that I'm not the kind who would take medical leaves often lol.

Oh

I still date the depressed guy. As a new 'person'. I fucking hate myself I can't get out of this habit.

2019 : Age 30

Okay so here is what happened in 2019. A good fucking year I tell you.

Got a new job in January, a dream job where I no longer need to speak to people. But deal with HR admin stuff.

Didn't date anyone. Single as fuck.

Moved out of my rent house. Bought my first home with the help of my dad and Liam.

Discovered my love in RDR2 and got back into video games. Bought PS4 and PS3.

Got involved in a financial investment.

More financially stable.

By end of 2019, my house is finally fully furnished. Liam said he likes how I decorate my house as it looks modern style. Thanks bro.

My role changed in July, an even better role where I manage HR operating system. Still needs to work on it and have more training but I'm getting there, and getting the hang of it.

No friends. Didn't make any. Fine with being alone.

Gained more weight tho.

I don't think I travelled anywhere this year. Too much money spent on the house and maintenance.

My brother moved in with me again and agreed to pay 300 per month maintenance for the house.

Started experimenting with different looks when going out.

Changed my perception in religion.

[mercer-safehouse]

You've been kind of inactive lately, how's life going??

Thank you for checking in ;u;

I’m gonna put this under a readmore because I have a tendency to babble

TL;DR tho: not great, ups and downs, but i’m surviving

So, first and foremost, my biggest issue lately is drawing--I literally am incapable of drawing because i have no privacy because of the household situation (too many people, we gave our bedroom door to the other people in the house), and the kittens literally will not stay off of me and it freaks me the fuck out because I put them down to even stand up and they’re back on me before I can stand. And worse, they won’t stay off my tablet, which I have to keep on my lap, because my computer situation involves me sitting at the foot of my mom’s bed and keeping my laptop on a tray table.

I know this sounds overdramatic but I literally cannot live without drawing and I feel like I’m dying. But there’s nothing I can do. There’s nowhere I can go. I can’t even sit outside to scribble because it’s gotten cold even for Florida and my blood’s thinned down and I have no fat to store heat and the cold makes me dissociate because of PTSD related to harsh winters in Michigan. 

The cats repeatedly crawling onto my lap despite my attempts to free myself freaks me out really badly because as much as I love cuddling, when I need to move, I need to move. I can’t be trapped or I start freaking out. 

When I do manage to start drawing, I get about halfway through a shitty scribble before the kittens find me and get on my tablet and my mood IMMEDIATELY crashes and I have a breakdown and it’s awful.

I keep forgetting to take my meds on time and now I have to live with the stress of mom having to pay for my meds because I got booted off my insurance because apparently they’re salty about me getting lawyers to help me get on disability because I am growing more and more incapable of functioning like a normal human being.

I need to be isolated for hours on end so I can do creative things like draw and write because I’m super uncomfortable doing those things openly because those things are very personal to me. I have no way to do so and I’m being called to do something for mom every five minutes. I need isolation but the current way we’re living does not allow that. My sister is too lazy to help mom out, so mom and I are depended on to take care of EVERYTHING, including my sister’s cat and many birds. 

I’m trying desperately to deal with the fact that that same sister did horrible, horrible things to me as a child and she refuses to acknowledge it but I remember them, but I’m trying to move on anyways because I know she has issues of her own and she’s actually trying to improve but that doesn’t mean I will ever forgive her.

And then my brother, who I loved for my entire life, and my nephew, his son, are white supremacists, and have no place in my life. 

My two closest siblings basically are people I can no longer be close to--in fact I no longer even care for my brother, at all. It’s like all that love just shriveled up and died in an instant. He called me delusional, he told me my “tender feelings” don’t matter, and, you know. He’s a fucking racist asshole and so is his son. They are dead to me.

My life has been turned on its head, I feel like, and my coping mechanism has been stolen from me.

Because I can’t draw, I want to die, and I feel worthless. I’ve got over four hundred followers and I have nothing to give them. I feel awful. They deserve better. You deserve better. I am sincerely sorry I haven’t been putting out art lately.

Another fucked up thing I’ve dealt with (the entire household has dealt with) is our neighbor’s cat, Abby, got hit by a car. Abby had been spending time over with us, and even ate dinner with our cats. We were all very attached, and her owners were just going to leave her in the fucking ditch, so we buried her with our cats. 

Same neighbor no longer allows her diabetic cat inside because he pees all over the place. He can’t help it. We brought him inside a couple nights ago because it was nearly freezing temp. He hasn’t left since. My sister and her boyfriend have taken up the task of cleaning up after him. 

Because he hasn’t been outside, the neighbors were curious, and one of them mentioned in passing that the neighbor lady who owns the cat was wondering if he crawled under their trailer to die and they didn’t want him stinking up the place.

So, we now have a diabetic cat to care for since the neighbors won’t. Mom thinks he’s only got a few weeks left. His name is Baby and he is very sweet. He doesn’t know what the litterbox is but that’s okay. He’ll learn, or he’ll be cleaned up after. It’s okay.

But we’re going to wind up burying another cat eventually. We’ve buried so many cats. Car incidents, distemper, a dog attack. I’m tired. My heart wants to harden or shrivel up or something but the rest of the cats need me, so I have to stay soft.

And I can’t talk to my therapist about it. Because I don’t have insurance. I can’t allow mom to pay for my appointments. Our roommate isn’t employed at present (recent employers treated him like shit so we all encouraged him to bail out) which means things are tight, but that’s okay. We’re managing. It’s close but we’ve got this. 

In June things are going to get worse in the house because another sister of mine is moving in and that’s GREAT I’m looking forward to seeing her but we don’t have room. 

We’ll make room, but it’s going to feel awful for me. And the worse it gets for me, the more I feel like damaged garbage who needs to be catered to constantly. Years of the first-mentioned sister gaslighting me has left me feeling like everything is my fault, basically. lmao

I need to visit my dad. He wants to be part of my life. But I can’t bring mom with me because that would be Awkward and mom is basically my lifeline. Dad will accept me. He’s fine with who I am. He loves me so much. And I miss him. But I’m terrified of going somewhere without my mom, who I feel most days keeps me sane.

It’s going to take half a year starting whenever the lawyers get me on disability benefits for me to actually get the money, which means I’m going to have to wait at least another half-year to visit my partner, who is an absolute patient angel but I feel awful for taking so long to see her even though she doesn’t blame me. She’s so good to me ;____;

But I AM getting out of the house soon because a friend’s family was able to foot the bill for a plane ticket to go see them and I’m terrified about that because YAY FRIEND I’M SO EXCITED but also no mom to keep me stable.

I’m a 21 person. I should be out of the house. I should have a family of my own. But I still crawl into my mom’s bed when I have a nightmare or when I want to cuddle because I’m having a bad time. I still need my mom to stop my sister from being awful to me because my sister doesn’t respect me like an adult.

I don’t feel like an adult. I depend on everyone around me even though I need total isolation for at least a few hours a day when I want to draw and it’s awful because I can’t have any of that. 

And here I’m going to reiterate that my brother is a white supremacist because that is a recent revelation (though I’m not surprised, looking back) and it makes me so sick I want to die

I’m dealing with a ridiculous sort of dysphoria that has nothing to do with the usual kind I handle.

A tiny thing in comparison to the rest of the stuff above, but: tumblr’s antis freak me out so badly.

And on top of everything: the Tangerine Nightmare-elect

I’m passively suicidal but in no danger of actually going through with it, so like. I’m surviving. I actually kind of cleaned my room a tiny bit. I sweep little bits at a time. I’m trying. I’m just really tired and feel awful about not creating more.