#at least I'm actively fighting my depression now

[tarjapearce]

Poppy Blue

Blue Jones! Miguel x Baby Doll! Reader.

Art by @marbipa on x

WARNINGS: MINORS DO NOT INTERACT. Power play, choking kink, rough sex, mentions of abuse, preying, toxic and perverted behavior, implicit clandestine and illegal activities, lobotomy, dissociation, implicit depersonalization, objectification, hate sex, manhandling, violence, sub space. No Proofread.

Summary: Messy things ~ (I guess?) Miguel as Blue Jones from Sucker Punch.

A/N: Watched Sucker Punch last night and... yeah. Had to get this out of my system. ~ Another one for the Miguelverse ~

Masterlist

All it took was a bullet. Aimed at your assailant with no intentions of missing. Yet you did. You missed, failed terribly so. His chest was your goal, instead it went directly to his shoulder.

Projectile ripping and scorching skin, tissue and muscle in the go, earning a shaky and pained yelp. But it was the least he deserved after trying to be sneaky on your sister, that laid cold and bled out in the floor. She was no match for his knife and his blood thirst of the night. The rest was a blur.

And now, you were dragged down to the wet and dull greys walls of your future home. Lennox House. Or rather Lennox Asylum for the Mentally Ill.

Everything about the place screamed danger, everything about the people working in the monstrosity of place yelled I'm no better.

Barefoot, soaked in rain, holding your new uniform and gazing at the biggest man you've seen in you life, holding a bunch of keys while his eyes bore into you.

The way he stared made your skin crawl and it didn't help your clothes clung to your body. Arms braced the uniform closer to your chest, trying to cover it up. His eyes wandered to the man behind you, a police officer with three scratched lines into his face. You hadn't left him unscathed. Not when he tried to play rough with you back at your old home.

The man showed you around, place was as depressing as it was from the outside, but The Theater took the prize.

Girls your age dressed in gray, socializing in the area. And by socializing it'd mean to watch them either receive therapy with a polish beautiful woman named Vera Gorski, or watch them fight over the stupidest things. But who could blame them?

Some probably had enough time inside that had memorized the cracks in the wall, the scratches on the floor, the number of chewed gums underneath the table or how many dust particles were accumulated in the windows. Gray. Everything was gray and dull.

Even the voice of the men behind you talking about a price for your silence were tiresome and dry. Two thousand. That's what your memories were valued as. A number you now hated.

Corrupt pigs

The police officer gave you a gentle push forward as a nurse came to fetch you. The simple touch of that man made your skin revolt and slapped him hard across his wilting face, a scowl on your grimace that slowly turned into a smirk as the police officer tried to catch you, but you were being dragged away by two nurses into a life that would turn your head upside down and backwards, the many times it saw fit until you'd understand that you weren't in charge.

Until you'd understand your purpose.

Dance.

"If you don't dance, you have no purpose."

Madam Gorski murmured to you. Pretty, dangerous and aware of the many many situations revolving in the brothel. Cause in truth, the asylum was just an alibi and a frontage for the real deal. House Lennox. A house of pleasure.

Bets, drinks, sex, meds and a hell of a show to anyone that filled Miguel's pockets.

The main attraction? Girls that society deemed unfit to keep within her picky guts. Too into messy situations to keep the pretense around relatives. Too fucked up to function properly but good enough to mold and shape into something useful, and too tempting to break even further.

She mumbled while circling you, her dark eyes scrutinized you unabashedly, taking in everything her sight could reach. Pursing her pouty lips upon your body.

Pretty, scared, still holding a grip on reality while trying to swallow a really hard to deglute pill, and oh so perfect for a new purpose.

"We do not keep things in here that serve no purpose."

The collide of her cane on the floor was like a metronome, setting the pace to enter a forbidden place, somewhere that none could reach but you. Mind splitting in two, dissociating soul from conscience, leaving an empty, moving vessel behind. You were free for a moment. And now you wanted more, more of that place where your imagination ran rampant.

Where Gorski's words meant nothing, where the guards had no power, where you were allowed to break down and feel without second intentions or being frowned upon. But mainly, without Miguel’s preying gaze licking you raw while undressing your form with it.

But the clapping and praising brought you back to this reality. Red eyes fell upon you, studying, raking over your body upside down, stopping at your thighs to then go back to your flushed and breathless face.

Mr. O'Hara. Miguel 'Blue' O'Hara. The asylum guard, the key bearer, perverted pimp, and your new shadow.

Ever since that dance many things changed.

Even though you danced, duties in the asylum weren't to be neglected. If you said no, you'd get a visit to the hole.

If you didn't dance, you'd get a visit to the hole.

But if you didn't do things Miguel's way, you'd get a personal talk with him, and then a visit to the hole.

And those talks, surely weren't words.

Scrubbing the floors gave you the chance to listen a bit of everything. Girl's derangements, psychotic outbreaks, mumblings that were filled in with regret and many more flourishing emotions; the ever loud music from the cook, and the unceasing mewls and obscene noises coming from Miguel's office.

Some girls misbehaved on purpose, just to get a taste of him. Others did anything to draw his attention to them, specially in the dance floor. But you knew better to anger him.

Sure, pleasure came in hand with a high price. He wasn't good, he wasn't nice nor gentle, matter-of-factly some girls cried during their one on one sessions and the degradation only enhanced the tears.

Sick fuck.

Gorski's alarms flared up upon seeing belt marks on their legs and ass, bites in their inner thighs and bruises on their hips. Eyes a bit too gone and tired to actually work in anything. They might have spread the gossip around of Miguel fucking them, and even enjoyed it.

But the aftermath of it, said otherwise. And it was enough to keep you on check, but even so he was pulled to you like a magnet so strong you could see the refrain in his eyes every time he approached you.

Hands shaky, tongue rubbing and wetting his plump lips, a soft flush on his cheeks and pleading eyes. A silent 'Let me play too' cause he wasn't allowed to touch, or taste you. Instead, he'd use the girls willing to please him to take his anger out. Their bodies meant nothing, they meant nothing cause they weren't you.

They didn't have your body, they didn't have your sweet voice that distorted into moans and gasps that he'd kill to induce every time you danced, but above all, they didn't have your spark.

That little interaction with the police when you first arrived, had him folding on a bathroom, stroking himself to oblivion at the mere sound of your slaps.

Unbeknownst to you, you held so much power over him. Power he was set to dull, because he was the only one in control. Not even Gorski and her stupid polish methods to get in the rest's head. He ran the place and had it under control.

For how long though?

You wanted out. His little Poppy wanted out and surely would get everything to be free and leave him, forsake him in this damned place.

Anger flowed within his veins like molten lava upon remembering how other men looked at you, how other men wanted you. They'd possibly been imagining how good and tight your insides would feel cause the way you moved when you were up in the stage, was surreal. It was like another person took over.

But he, a sick fuck through and through, would want both. No. He'd have both. He craved and needed both, even better when you were dressed in such things that only added more dry bones to his needy fire.

Fucking lucky of them to feel you and be a your second skin. Even that stupid and everything but innocent uniform you were to dress every day, stirring up enough to let him take a peek of your panties, or the stockings underneath that remained etched on your supple thighs he'd often fantasize in getting lost between.

He just had to wait for you to misbehave. But sadly you didn't seem keen into breaking the rules. He'd wait.

---

"Stormy, come."

Vera called another girl. Whoever gave their names either knew them too well or picked random words in a go. Gorski too engrossed into her lessons to notice you had been dragged away by other guards under Miguel's petition.

Had you forgotten about something? No. Surely not. Last week's chores were fulfilled completely, the bathrooms were clean, the kitchen's dishes turn were washed up, and so were the floors. Your wrists sore, a reminder to ask for a new brush.

And-

Shit.

Fuck.

The laundry.

Some dancers had ran out of stockings, lingerie, and some sheets from the brothel needed to be replaced ASAP.

But you, Poppy, as Vera had called you and it stuck with the rest ever since, had trouble. Just cause you had forgotten about the damn laundry.

Miguel's formidable frame came into view, he was on a call, lying on how well someone's daughter was doing after a lobotomy. How they didn't have to worry about her anymore.

Your stomach felt sick and your heart leaped on your chest once he ended up the call. The guards had been long gone, leaving you with your shadow alone.

If honest, you knew Miguel either followed or kept you watched under hawk's eyes. Time stopped as soon as he turned to face you.

Pupils wide blown as soon as you came into his sight.

"My sweet, sweet Poppy."

He inhaled deeply and clasped his hands together before his face. An uncontainable smirk morphed into a light titter.

"You've been a bad girl, princesa."

His hands slamming on the table before him made you jolt and blink at his sudden mood shift.

"We..." He wetted his lips as he came behind you, "We were counting on you, Mi cielo. But... you failed us. Failed me."

A gulp as his breath fanned over the crook of your neck.

"You see..." His big and long fingers brushing your hair away from the right side of your head joint, "Now I gotta improvise something for the next show. "

"I'm sorry, I forgot-"

His hand took a hold of your neck and the contact made him growl. Warm, smooth, feeling every heartbeat underneath his big and calloused palms.

Lips dangerously close to your ear, breathing and panting as he pulled you closer to him, your back colliding against his torso and abdomen.

"Shh"

He hushed while taking a big whiff off you. A mix of soap, perfume and cigarettes. His hand squeezed tighter, earning a lovely and sweet yelp from you as he pushed you against his desk.

Your eyes widened in surprise upon feeling the hardening cock in between the slot of your thighs, poking, begging to be released and finally take you.

"You remind me of someone. Too bad she lost her spark."

His hand riled the skirt of your uniform up, passing up some layers of extra clothing, your underwear and stockings. Hand plunged inside to finally allowing his fingers to have a sample of your flesh.

"But I'm keeping yours alight, sweetheart."

His cock twitched when he found your clit. Fingers dexterous and peeling the outer folds away to give a gentle rub before you closed your legs almost instantly. A little delaid reaction, your brain was still processing it.

You went completely still when he pulled his fingers out of you and brought them to his lips. He sucked them off with hunger, groaning and trembling at the taste.

"Por Dios, preciosa..."

You tried to pry his hand out of your neck but the struggle made his breathings more labored and needy as he humped and ground against you from behind. Letting his tip to speak volumes at how hard and wanton he was. How bad you made him react. How much power you had over him.

Of course.

The idea of having him subdued to you assaulted your mind. Pressuring you into pleading, just like your clit that clenched and twitched upon having his tip rubbing in a slow yet firm strokes.

His hands went back inside your panties, searching for the nub of nerves that had you melting. Tongue skimming at the tender skin of your neck.

Just as he was about to bury a finger knuckle deep, the ever annoying voice of Vera urging Miguel from outside the door, asking for you. Her dear and lovely Poppy.

"Chingada madre" (Fucking shit)

He sighed with an exasperated growl and looked at the door.

"The fuck you want?!"

"I need Poppy on the practice. Now."

Where was the shocking baton when he needed it the most?

For once, you were relieved to know that you didn't go unnoticed under Gorski's watch. She protected the girls in her own way.

Knees trembled as he kept the hand inside. A little miscalculation had you whimpering while his fingers remained trapped in your flesh. His eyes snapped back on you with a smirk.

A hand clasped on top of your mouth, suffocating any moans as he worked his fingers between your pussy. Touching and prodding at the forbidden flesh, a moan vibrated through his hand with a high pitched Hmm

"I'll get her to you right away!"

Miguel yelled while working his fingers harder and faster, alternating between rubbing and fucking your hole with them.

"Spread your legs wider, pretty baby" The husk of his voice made you close your eyes and hips hump ever shyly at his hands. Gaining as much friction as possible.

"Miguel, I need her now."

He grumbled under his breath while moving his hands faster. The wet smooch and sucking squelch had him humping against your panties, breaths agitated, muttering something you could only decipher as filth in spanish, your hands clenched onto him, tightly fisted on his clothes.

Just a bit more

He heard Vera cursing in her native tongue as he prodded his fingers inside, toying with your opening. Stretching and fucking it at his likings.

"You fucking little slut"

He tittered while rubbing furiously in your clit. A bit too rough that had you bucking and trembling in his arms. If his hands made you quiver and melt he couldn't wait to see what his cock could do. You drenched his fingers.

Said fingers were cleaned up again by his mouth with a droopy and pleasure drunk face.

Despite having your legs shaky, he held you by the hips, and forced you to grab onto his desk. His hands quickly fumbled with his pants and boxers, pulling his cock out.

He stroked a couple of times, tip susceptible to stimulation. He pulled the panties aside, your stockings the only barrier between you and his erection. The flimsy layer of clothes instantly adhered to your soaked skin, He pushed in between your thighs, rubbing his cock back and forth with slow thrust against your pussy. His hot length brushed against the already engorged and sensitive nub.

The tightness of your warm thighs smooshed together created the perfect friction hole for him without actually penetrating you. So close and yet so far of that forbidden territory. Soft mewls and whimpers came out your mouth, too enraptured in feeling than verbalizing your pleasure.

He also needed his toys. Specially his favorite. Stockings were thoroughly soaked the more he pushed his cock in and out. Labia clothed and slicked parted to feel his shallow moves. He used you as his fleshlight, his hips smacking yours. His chest rumbled with animalistic and low growls.

His hands were clumsy as the pleasure turned overwhelming, you could see the flushed tip of him peeking out your thighs, the urge of tasting him turned bigger the faster he went. You were trying so hard to keep it as quiet as possible.

"Wished I was inside you, don't you?"

You gasped as he purposely angled his tip in your dripping hole. A shivering breath was all he received.

He took you by your chin and squeezed

"Don't you?!"

"Y-Yes!"

"Yes, what?!"

"Yes, sir."

Jesus fucking Christ.

He pushed in deeper in your cunt, his cock pushed a bit of the stockings inside as he doused it with his cum, unable to hold back any longer, marking you.

You had never heard a man pant and wheeze like that before. So deep, raspy, needy, cradling you tighter, anchoring to you as he shook his orgasm out.

"Fuck- Ay Dios, fuckfuck-"

He slurred while engulfing your frame against the table. Breathings matching his erratic ones.

Your skin between supple thighs felt clammy and sticky. Black stockings ruined completely by the white and wet patch of his scent.

Hot breath fanned over your neck.

"Can't wait to feel the real de-"

The door banged.

"Boss! We need you!"

The guards and Vera had proposed to fuck around with him cause his patience had been tested many times.

Your steps marching away from him snapped him out of his thoughts, He blinked and held you by the wrist, pulling you once more to him to kiss you.

Your first kiss in years. Soft but needy and filled in with a promise to fulfill later.

Now that he had a taste, there was none to stop him. He'd take his favorite toy and go home.

----

Freedom was taken away from you, right before your eyes. Forsaken by your so called friends, marooned by the crew you had gathered within the depths of despair. Your hope had given them a chance at surviving, your courage had transformed you into a fucked up sisterhood, but it was their greed that made you the ultimate sacrifice to their success.

You could only watch while thrashing your way out, but the more you fought, the more guards came to you, but one in particular pulled you out of the mess like a feather. But you didn't stop fighting. Not even when your tabs were in absolute zero probabilities of winning, not when Miguel dragged you inside manhandling your crying form like a ragdoll.

Scratches, fists and other punches didn't move him in the slightest. His grip tightened once you both were locked up in his office once more. He tossed you on the floor.

"Why... Why did you want to leave?"

His tone menacing yet hurt.

The idea of you almost slipping away from him had sent him in a berserk mode that unleashed hellbent through the asylum. Just to find you and when he did, he wanted nothing but hurt you, just the way you've hurt him.

Wasn't his attention enough? , wasn't him being lenient on you and your chores enough? Wasn't he enough?

"WHY?!"

You were too dumbfounded to process his question. Too marked with shame at your failure and rage to pay him attention, and that alone sent him grabbing you by the neck and crash you against a vanity. Tossing everything above it to the floor.

Your back collided against the now shattered mirror, you yelped but still managed to slap him and that made him groan and nod frantically.

Yes

One of his hands was more than enough to hold your both arms as he positioned between your thighs, pressing further against you.

"You don't like me, Poppy? Why?"

"Let me go!"

His hand squeezed your neck tightly, cutting all air for a minute while he kissed you. Sloppy, angry and so full with lust and rage. It gave you no time to react while his other hand tore the panties from underneath your skirt.

You kept slapping him, but that only enticed him to spread you further

"Love that fucking spark on you, preciosa."

He then thrashed you against the table sending a painful jolt through your body, It made you still for a moment.

"No! No! Don't-" his eyes widened in panic, "Don't lose it. Please-"

"No" You panted, "Just found it" A flower vase was smashed in his forehead. And that granted you freedom from his hands as you fell on the floor, gasping for air and crawling away from him.

Heavy steps echoed, trailing dangerously after you. Miguel took you by the ankle and dragged you towards him.

"No!"

He hissed and pulled you upwards, like a statuette, and slammed your torso against the desk you had been clenching onto. All air knocked out your lungs.

A hand passed over his buckle and removed in a swift motion his belt in one go. The sight of your pussy peeking underneath the ruffles of your skirt made a smile that didn't reach his eyes to appear.

He quickly got the belt around your neck, your hands instantly pried, or at least tried to pry it away, scratching yourself in the process. The smell of copper filled in the air, the vase had broke the skin of his forehead.

"You fucking ungrateful bitch!"

He secured the belt tighter and you wheezed, hands flailed to get a hold of him. Fingers already prodding and toying with your cunt, to his surprise, the struggle and fight turned you on, knowing that a man wanted you so badly that would do anything to have you, and you denying such power had you soaked.

Specially when the man in question was this 6'9" cell guard that wanted nothing but to wreck you, destroy you the way you had destroyed his fucked up illusions.

"All I did for you, everything I did meant shit for you-"

He rasped before slapping your butt with such force it stung and left a red imprint on the now reddening flesh.

"I didn't... a-ask you for shit!"

He grunted at your broken words as he pulled the makeshift leash backwards, separated your legs and pulled out his cock once more.

"There we go, baby"

"Y-You're so pathetic-"

Words died in your throat as he slid inch by inch inside. The intrusion made you sob a feeble whimper, it burned and hurt, but in a way you weren't expecting and you liked it.

"Me? Pathetic? Ay muñeca, is not me whose gonna beg me to stop" He pulled your face towards him and kissed you once more, "You won't even remember your name once I'm done with you."

He buried to the hilt as he watched your expression. Troubled yet blissful. A little grip was loosened as he felt you were about to speak again.

"You talk too much shit-."

Part of you regretted said words, cause he smashed your head in the desk and dug his fingers around your hips.

"Is that so?"

Nothing had you prepared for the assailing onslaught of his hips. Fucking was a measly word compared to what he actually was doing to your poor and snug cunt.

It wasn't slapping, his hips thwacked yours with such force you were sure your cervix would be bruised and your legs wouldn't walk properly for the next few days, but as it hurt, it felt good. Too good for your own comfort. Specially when propped a leg ontop of a stool for more leverage to ruin you deeper.

A garbled moan came out your lips, before gritting your teeth together and shaking your head vehemently. He laughed in between deep growls and moans.

"Am I dulling that spark, muñeca?"

Your body lurched forwards, pussy drenched him with every remorseless push he delivered. Eyes struggling to keep on the front, but it was unavoidable to have them rolling back as your jaw slacked open.

High pitched wails rumbled out of your gaping mouth, permeating the once silent room. Two of his fingers slid in your mouth, hot breath colliding against them. They hooked forcing your mouth to keep open.

The desk shook under your weight, the room filled in with moans so sweet and delicious, unlike the many that had been under him.

You were experiencing first hand the danger. Miguel wasn't nice, he wasn't gentle. The latter made an emphasis on its own as he pulled the belt impossibly tighter. A gurgling and rasping noise came from your throat. He wasn't squeezing anymore, he was choking you.

And Dios mio, you were sure you'd die. But dying sounded way too much of a reward than staying in this awful place.

"Yes"

You hissed in between butchered pants and wheezing mewls. Mind set in welcoming the reaper as air was still cut out of your lungs. Legs too weak to keep on their own. Dizziness fogging your mind, fire engulfing your body, Your cunt slurped him in, wetness no longer an issue since he slid and out so easily.

The only indicator you still had consciousness was the little pathetic cries you did as his hips plowed you with a new intensity you didn't know possible.

He had been whispering the filthiest things into your ear, a couple of degrading words you couldn't quite hear, too busy being cock drunk and slipping in and out of consciousness.

Your torso and arms laid in between his arms and the desk, his upper body keeping you still as his hips did the whole assault. His face too snatched in a myriad of things.

Pride cause he finally got to have you and proved you wrong, lust cause you felt just like he had imagined, anger because of your previous words. He was the one that was rawing you into oblivion, had your brain turned upside down, not Gorski, and had you cumming with such an intensity it was overwhelming and too much for your brain to digest.

Too much.

The choking had your brain's fuse in a shortcut, shutting itself off for what it felt like forever, until he spilled himself inside. Renovating your walls white.

Hot cum spurted and not a single drop was wasted as he made sure you kept it inside.

His hulking figure trembled, torn in between subtle and violent spasms that shook him to his very core and raged pants that sent a shiver down your sore spine.

He finally had you and you were his. He wasn't letting you go. Not when he was about to give you a new purpose.

Being his.

---

Everything that he thought good and right blurred. Eyes filled in with tears at your state. Gone. Gone from this world, gone from him, the spark had vanished.

No

How this happened?

His mind raked through the memories, trying to find the right moment everything went to shit.

He signed a paper. A lobotomy authorization in your behalf.

No!, no!.

"Come back" He pleaded while kissing you and squeezing his hands on the joint of your head and shoulders, to pry something out of you. But nothing came.

The spark had been lost.

And so were you.

"Please, muñeca"

He sobbed and cradled you in his arms, but there was no push, no retaliation, nothing. Only a lovely vessel of his love.

You were gone. For real.

He had been so naive to believe that fucking you senseless meant to have you. He had been such a fool to fall for such a simple thing as that.

And now he had lost you. His own hand brought his demise. Guards and Gorski dragged him out, his hand latched on to you, but even your skin felt different.

"Poppy!"

He yelled but you didn't answer. Just watched him with a look that shattered his heart.

You were free. Free and far far away.

[theconstitutionisgayculture]

Indefinite hiatus

I was toying with writing up a long post about what running this blog has meant to me over the years and why I'm stepping away for the foreseeable future, but that feels too dramatic for what's really just me saying "I'm not going to be on tumblr for at least the rest of the year". So, I'll just say I'm not going to be on tumblr for at least the rest of the year.

Okay, actually I have a bunch more to say, but it'll be under the cut.

Politics sucks. And paying attention to it, even in the reduced way I've been paying attention to it over the last few years, is hard. You end up spending so much of your supposedly free time thinking about things you can't change, getting mad about things you can't change, and getting depressed when the people who can change things just keep going in the wrong direction. Even when good things happen, it's just a matter of a few days before something bad happens once again. And vice versa. It's an endless cycle of hope, despair, resignation. Rinse and repeat, and triple speed that cycle during an election year. And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of spending every other year worried about what's going to happen on one day in November. I'm tired of hearing a piece of news and automatically composing a post about it or running through 20 different responses I might give to asks I might get about it in my head.

Everyone I know who doesn't pay attention to politics (or at least doesn't run a social media page dedicated to it) seems to enjoy their live a lot more than I currently do. Which sounds way more dramatic than what's actually going on, which is mainly that I want to get to a place where I just don't care. I want the world and its problems to flow off my back instead of weighing it down. I want to stop thinking about what people on the internet might say about something I haven't even posted yet. And that can't happen while I'm tied to this blog. So I'll be staying away from it for at least the rest of the year.

I did have a good time with this blog. I've met a bunch of really awesome people, some who are sadly no longer with us (RIP Blue), and some who I think will carry on the "fight" way better than I ever did. This isn't an admission of defeat, or pessimism about the election. Even if Trump wins, and I truly think he will if we have a fair election, I still won't be back this year. But I'll still vote and I'll still be proud that my silly little tumblr blog had an impact on some people's lives. I may not have the reach of a Tucker Carlson or a Glenn Beck, but I've gotten a lot of messages from people who said they changed their minds about an issue, or even politics in general, because of things I said, and that counts for something. If you guys take anything away from me, I want it to be this: Even the smallest impact matters. It doesn't matter if you only ever reach one person and then stop, reaching that one person is enough. Changing one vote is enough. Changing one mind is enough.

To all my mutuals, you guys are the best. I truly hope you have wonderful lives and I'm sad I won't get to see your names on my dash everyday anymore. To anyone I've ever followed or reblogged from, I couldn't have had a blog without you, so thank you. Yes, even the leftiod psychos, XD. To everyone else, find your own balance and never give into despair and never listen to people who tell you not to try. Even a failed effort is still more meaningful than sitting back and mocking people for trying to improve even the smallest thing about themselves or the world around them.

I won't be logging back in after I post this, so any messages or asks you send, I won't see. I'll still be active (or as active as I ever am) in my discord, so feel free to join there if you want to. It should still be my pinned post, but if it isn't, I'll edit this with a new invite link.

And that's all I've got to say for now.

[iu-xo]

"Like we've always hated each other"

Tantrum.

intro part 1 part 2 part 3

It took much less time than expected! I hope it's enjoyable to read, god this is so slowburn, so they still hate each other! But... do they really?

The sun... the sun that comes through the window... the fucking sun.

The most recent being to move into the hotel after its restoration, he was fighting a battle to the death with nothing more and nothing less than the sheets of his bed, nothing new for the king to say the least, In his mind it was the eighth time he told himself he would get up, And this was the real thing, he thought for the eighth time...

When he heard a door suddenly open, and even though he loved his daughter with all his heart, he couldn't wish for anything other than that she would leave him for another hour to rot for a little longer in his nest of depression and procrastination, Which didn't happen that way.

-DAD! I'm sorry to bother you... I know you were still sleeping and stuff! despite being past noon.. But your help would reeeeaaaally help me a lot rigth now!

Even though his body betrayed him and made him want to sink and become one with the mattress, knowing that his daughter needed something from him gave him enough motivation to sit up in bed.

-Whatever you need honey..

His voice was still hoarse and sleepy, revealing his little to none desire to exist at that moment, but surely when he did something he would feel better... he hoped.

The princess gave a happy squeal to take out some notebook pages with lists and colorful crayon drawings, and grabbed one in particular which she put on her father's nightstand while she put the rest away with some clumsiness.

-Today I have an activity planned but I mixed up my schedules with next week's, so I have nothing to start with!

The blonde looked very worried about this problem she had, and Lucifer thought that maybe she would ask him for things to buy and he could just magically appear them, piece of cake.

-So while I fix this I wanted you to put these flyers in the businesses that already gave me permission!

Wait. What?

the angel really thought He could get away with doing this quickly with a little magic trick, but he really had no way of appearing flyers in specific places which he had no idea where they were..

-erm.. Dear.. Can't we just put them in... I don't know... everywhere?

-Nop! Because today's topic is... consent!

She said while making a rainbow in the air with her hands , Therefore, the little angel had no choice but to personally walk through the disgusting streets of the pride ring... his ring. While he was hanging little pieces of paper on the windows of the shops of the ungrateful sinners that owned them. But... it was for Charlie... so how bad could it be, He stopped thinking about how bad it would be and instead saw Charlie's smile explaining how she wanted to deal with today's topic, he saw her eyes full of sparkle and got out of bed.

-Count on me char-char, I'll take care of it!

Charlie smiled from ear to ear and hugged him, leaning down, he had taken Lucifer a little by surprise but he gladly reciprocated

-Thank you.. means a lot.

They both felt a silence after that, it wasn't awkward, it was like they were telling each other without words that they were trying to heal something, And even if it couldn't happen overnight, they were trying, Charlie knew they would make it, Lucifer... he could only hope so.

But after that charlie decided to left the room to let her father get ready, she also had too many things to do, time was against her and she wasn't going to waste it.

-Well.. see ya!

She said goodbye with her hand, while her father did it in the same way, Once she was outside, the angel walked slowly to his closet, looking for something more casual, but ended up wearing his usual outfit but without his white jacket, he rolled up his sleeves and headed to the bathroom to fix his hair, he saw himself in the mirror for a moment, a wave of melancholy drowning him for a few moments, He saw himself worn out, tired.

He washed his face with cold water as an attempt to wash away the draining thoughts, it just... everything used to be so simple for him, at least sometimes... He left the bathroom and opened a window in his room, looking to breathe something other than his own self-loathing, A burst of sulfur aroma was what he found, he sighed, At this moment he missed the aroma of fruit and freshly wet grass... he may not be missing the regime of heaven but... that garden and it's smells sure were something else

He realized that he had gotten quite lost in thought, so he washed his face one last time Seeking to return to reality, and avoiding the hassle of seeing so many faces at the reception... he opened a golden portal under his feet that left him at the exit of the hotel, now he only had to...

walk.

Lovely.

•~•~•~•~•~•~•

-WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE YOU LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT.

A demon twice his size was shouting at him in the middle of the street, the lamb-like demon had bruises he was bleeding and holding the demon's hand that grabbed him by the neck while lifting him off the floor, he didn't seem scared, in fact he didn't feel the slightest bit of fear despite the dangerous situation he found himself in, as if he believed that at any moment one of his exterminators would arrive and take him out of there, or simply as if it didn't enter his head that he wasn't untouchable.

-F-FUCK YOU.. YOU.. FUCKING PUSSY!

He tried to get free even with less oxygen than required, he increasingly gained strength to kick his attacker into the pit of his stomach, leaving him breathless momentarily and falling to the ground, he took a deep breath and before the opponent could notice Adam was half a block away, he may have been out of shape, but he managed to ran into an alley and lean against the wall, while he saw the idiot run past him.

-SHIT- FUCKING- DAMN IT!

He dropped to the floor sliding down the wall, wiped the blood from his nose, then saw the blood on his hand..

Red.

His blood was... Red. Did he feel.. anger? No.. sadness? Of course not.. he was not a pussy.. He felt... To hell with what he felt all this was bullshit and he shouldn't be going through this! He shouldn't be here! He Should not.. he shouldn't be here...he was the first man...God's most beautiful creation! Fuck..he couldn't be rotting in this shit hole together with all these pieces of shit! They all came from him. where is his respect..

Interrupting his internal monologue bar existential crisis, he heard footsteps and unconsciously clung to the wall with his new claws, since he had arrived he had already escaped from five guys who were looking to kick his ass, perhaps a sixth could be avoided.

Humming a catchy melody, a familiar face passed by looking for something, looked at a sheet of paper, then at the shops, Then he approached the window of the establishment and stuck a flyer on it, without realizing the stare he had on him, Although of course, many people had looked at him since he left the hotel, he had had to send a couple flying, so it wasn't something especially peculiar

•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

of all the habitants of hell... IT SHOULD BE FUCKING LUCIFER THE FIRST FAMILIAR FACE HE SEES?! This day, this place and all of this it's nothing but a stupid damn joke!

What the fuck is he doing? Hanging ruffles? Last time he tried to sell him that he was such a big deal, what was he doing hanging fucking pamphlets in the disgusting streets full of shit?

The gaze that Lucifer felt on his shoulder felt heavier and heavier, when he looked out of the corner of his eye he noticed a sinner looking towards the flyer he puted on the glass, and an idea crossed his mind, what would be better than advertising the hotel? Well, make it work of course! He could do this, it was just... talking to a stranger! Perfect, and the bad thing was that... he had to talk to a stranger. come on morningstar! For your daughter's approval!

-Heey you.

They both remained in total silence, panic could be seen on Adam's face, had he recognized him? It seemed like no... everything pointed to no, but that didn't stop his brain from wanting to run away and leave him alone in that moment, Lucifer had an ackward face and it shows in the way his eye twitched that he regretted his decision ever since the words left his mouth, but there was no way to take it back now, meanwhile Adam considered the possibility of just running away.

-I see you... watching from there! You can... read it. You know.. it's a pamphlet. They are for... reading-

He could easily smash his hand against his face in an exaggerated way, but this wasn't the time for that, if he brought a guest to the hotel today Charlie would be so happy! he can do it, it was like selling, It's not that he knew how to sell things... but how hard could it be

Meanwhile Adam looked at him with a disappointed face, his communication skills were as deplorable as they had always been, but he glanced at the pamphlet, of course, their fifth class hotel.

-It has everything! You should tell every person you see in hell about it.

Adam's disgusted face spoke for him, while Lucifer sighed, obviously it wouldn't be that easy to bring someone to the hotel in one day, but for Adam everything was going wonderfully since at least he didn't know it was him.

The feeling did not last too long, as he felt a figure forming behind him, heat emanating from near his back, the lamb-like demon feared the worst, and unfortunately he was right.

-To claim to be the first dick you are quite the pussy.

Said a demon behind him, twice his size, Shark-like, It was the guy from before for sure, shit-

-wait. what was that first thing you said?

before the words had a chance to come out of the angel's mouth in their entirety, He felt a gust of wind pass by him but as far as he was concerned, the wind doesn't scream.

As he turned around at the speed of the wind itself, he could briefly see his future guest crashing into the brick wall at the hands of the stupid demon who had interrupted his negotiation attempt, in a moment six wings came out angelically from the sovereign's back to place himself just in time between the two demons with a flutter of his wings, whit one hand he stoped the inevitable punch destined to hit Adam's face.

-Nobody taught you not get into the grown up's conversations... right?

He said this while a grin formed in his face, showing sharp teeth which this guy would remember all his life, Lucifer released the guy's fist to hold his wrist and with a twist of his hip he easily sent him to the other side of the pentagram.

-now. where did you get that phrase from?

When the angel looked behind him he could see nothing more and nothing less than two hooves walking away two meters away

-Shit shit shit shit shit SHIT!

Although Adam's intention was to lose sight of the small man following him, when he looked back all he could see was his imminent arrival to the ground, receiving a tackle from Lucifer, they both fell rolling around as if they were two little children fighting in the school garden

-SPEAK FILTHY CREATURE

He demanded, standing on top of the lamb, despite it being half his size and looking humorous, the truth is that Adam couldn't get out of his grip no matter how hard he tried.

-STOP BEING SO DAMN DENSE BITCH!

Oh God. He recognized that voice, he recognized that stupid self-nickname, and worst of all, he recognized that stupid tantrum.

-how the hell. are you here rigth now.

-Why should I say that to you, huh?!

-maybe because YOU DON'T HAVE ANOTHER OPTION?! MAYBE??

Both continued to struggle with each other, one to escape and one to have answers. Lucifer was afraid of letting him escape and that he could cause some trouble, although thinking about it carefully... he looked at his lamb's ears, his hooves, his eyes and his teeth... now he was a simple sinner, There wasn't much he could accomplish even if he tried, he'd probably be screwed, he may already had taked a few beatings even.

-Well, I have no idea! I hope that helps sucker!

He said and spit in his face, something he didn't thought about properly, or didn't thought about at all, The ruler's face was irritated, as if he were putting up with a spoiled child, well... that's practically what he's doing.

-That's all, Let's go.

He cleaned his face whit his sleve and grabbed him by the collar of his clothes and began to drag him along the sidewalk, he had an exhausted expression as if he didn't have what it took to face this situation today, although he probably wouldn't any day.

-the FUCK. ARE YOU DOING?!

He said, fluttering his black wings everywhere, managing to irritate Lucifer by obstructing his vision, forcing him to stop, to which he grunted in annoyance.

-Well. taking care of you! What else am I supposed to do! It's what I should always do! because it seems like your entire existence is made to cause me problems!

Adam's gaze could be nothing but anger, he struggled away from Lucifer's grasp, which was curious to see due to the difference in sizes, once free he turned around to look at him from the front

- YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, I WAS MADE TO BE FUCKING PERFECT! YOU LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT.

-If you were as perfect as you say, how do you explain this eh! How do you think this happened?! You are not in this putrid pit for being the dick of the dicks PAL!

The lamb growled in exasperation as he stamped on the ground with his right hoof, after pulling his hair looking to escape from his angryness he lookef at the little one in the eye.

- IF I DON'T CARE, WHY THE FUCK SHOULD YOU CARE, YOU PIECE OF CRAP!

He felt a lump in his throat, but not as painful as the lump in the throat of the king of hell himself, Why should he care? Why the fuck should he care??

-Oh then i saw You die a fucking WEEK AGO. and You expect me to see that You are alive and let you wander through hell knowing that any demon is out there KICKING YOUR FUCKING ASS?! A THANK YOU WAS ENOUGH!

Lucifer screamed as his eyes turned from yellow to red from how infuriating he found having to argue with this idiot, he was never particularly reasonable but right now he was more irritable than normal and had no idea why

- THANK YOU?! OH SURE THEN YOU THINK YOU CAN TREAT ME LIKE A CHARITY CASE FOR YOUR BRAT'S SHITTY HOTEL HUH!? Well I have news for you DUDE!

Adam He kicked dirt from the street, dirtying Lucifer's clothes, who coughed in response to the cloud of dust

-im not your fucking guinea pig.

He narrowed his gaze in disgust, looking down literally and metaphorically at his contrary.

-Are you allergic to kindness? or why is it that you can't accept a fucking favor!?

Adam's Contemptuous face became one of intense anger and he took a step forward and brought his face closer to the angel's.

-from YOU? Of course. Good joke.

Lucifer had enough, he wouldn't wait to know where this reunion could go, It's not even worth wasting his breath on... Adam. Or at least that's what he thought.

-you know what? It's fine with me. It's not like you're not used to everyone leaving you, stay like that, as always, stay alone.

The king shook his clothes to remove the dirt, with one hand he snapped his fingers and as he arrived he left, Adam was left with an unreadable expression, he didn't move from there, he just stood there.

still and quiet.

•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

The golden portal opened above the hotel's front door, since he had avoided greeting people in the morning he assumed he could say hello in the aftern.. nigth, it was nigth.

Well, anyways, he would greet them at night then.

Opening the door abruptly without worrying about whether it was timely or not, he stepped into the hall.

-HEELLOOO everyone! How does the night treat you all?

From there you could easily see the bartender behind the bar along with the little maid sitting at the bar playing with some dead bug, on the sofa lay their most exotic guest and a certain deer showed no signs of being close, much to the king's liking.

-we have been better short king, But nothing that a drink can't fix, rigth wiskers?

The feline rolled his eyes but smiled at the end, and began to mix different liquids, When he looked in the direction the king was his eyes widened in surprise

- wow. It looks like you were hited by a truck.

Angel Dust looked in the same direction realizing what the bartender was referring to, It really looked like they had made him crawl on the floor, well, in fact something like that happened-

- someone played too rough whit ya~?

Husk put his palm to his face as Nifty leaned over the bar counter

- I like rough.

She said, sketching a sinister smile, to which Lucifer reacted with a certain degree of displeasure, and Husk put a donut from the bar counter in her mouth to make her shut up for a little bit

- umh.. rigth. Well no, I wasn't hit by a truck, and no! Neither, the other thing. I just ran into a few issues. Nothing to worry about.

While this small exchange of words was going on, footsteps could be heard in the distance approaching faster and faster, ending with a hug from behind to Lucifer's surprise.

-DAD! What happened? It took you hours to come back!

-Oh come on, come on... it's nothing at all! A few small issues, a few hours! But everything is fine now.

While the angel convinced Charlie that it was nothing, sounds of static reached everyone's ears, covering them in the act, everyone anticipated the arrival of you-know-who, it was nothing new for him to arrive in such a dramatic way, especially if the king was there prior to his arrival

-How interesting... I would swear it would take more than a few small matters to delay the big boss.. a couple hours.

The one who had just arrived in the room exclaimed very arrogantly, with a smile from ear to ear per usual , Charlie watched him appear on the spot and waved happily, only to receive a greeting from the deer-like demon in return.

-oh oh oh If you only knew You little shit.

Lucifer smiled evilly knowing that if Alastor ran into Adam again the last thing he would do would be act with that arrogance so characteristic of his

-Honey there is someone at the door.

Vaggie entered the room and to the conversation to warn her girlfriend about the presence of someone outside, so charlie left the two old men arguing to answer the door

-Oh but tell us your highness, what were these "issues" then.

-Nothing that your walnut-sized brain can understand piece of-

Two brown hooves entered, stepping on the red carpet that covered the hotel's entrance hall, to which Charlie said very excitedly and taking small jumps until they reached the area where everyone was, her girl on one side of the stranger and her on the remaining side.

Lucifer's sight changed from being fixed on Alastor to seeing the newcomer and although the king was already prepared to smile at the person to receive them, when he looked at him carefully, the only thing that came out of his mouth was..

-FU- ADAM?! THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE.

When everyone heard who he was talking about, they stayed cold and glued to the floor. With his new demonic form, no one would have guessed that it was the leader of the exorcists in person, or rather... in demon.

-ADAM?!

-adam??

-THAT ADAM?!

-OH OH estás muerto CABRON!

-Mhhh..

After the domino reaction Adam with lowered ears tried to talk keeping his dignity and pride, not very successfully, with a stupid smile on his face he speak

-heey bitchees.. so.. what's for dinner?

You could swear there was the sound of a cane breaking in the background followed by a static sound.

[tdjustess]

Rating all Trent ships I've ever came across

Trent×Gwen - The only canon ship and for what it was, I liked it. It always felt like just a summer fling and them being each others manic pixie dream girl/boy is a detail I highly appreciate. It was the most artsy teen romance of all TD ships and should stay as only that 7.5/10 cause it does make me cringe nowadays

Trent×Justin - I don't know who was the first person to come up with this ship but holy shit their brain. And even if you're too good to fall for the trope of "two guys amicably standing next to each other", these two would be the Larry of the TDverse, which you have to at least admit it's funny as shit 10/10

Trent×Duncan - Listen. I've also been a 15 year old girl, I get it, but this is shit. They either forget about each others existence or actively hate each other. Even the fanfics I used to read back then had to jump through hoops or make them ooc to even get them to stay amicably in the same room 0/10

Trent×Geoff - The better version of Duntrent. They still ignore/hate eachother but there's literally no reason for it which is so funny. They're both pieces of shit and the only time it was justified was when Geoff was trying to protect Gwen over the breakup. Read the TDA bios, they're still trying to poke at some rivalry we never see on screen. AU writers I beg of you, write a enemys-to-enemys fic of their fighting backstage 3/10

Trent×Cody - Oh boy. Oooooh boy. I hate to play this card but they're brothers. Maybe if it's one sided like Cody having a crush for 2 weeks tops but yeah. Brothers energy 0/10

Trent×Courtney - Listen. Don't look at me like that and listen. It's two possibly unmedicated mentaly ill upper middle kids with dreams of success in performing arts that go about it in two extremely different ways. Like. I want to keep this short but they'd be so bad for each other while being the only ones who can understand the others devotion, they'd destroy each other. I'm tearing a phonebook in half with my teeth, shout out to the Ballet AU i'll never write 6/10 realistically but 9.9999998/10 in my heart

Trent×Leshawna - I was really surprised when I first saw this ship cause I'd only ever seen them as sort of "friends-in-law"? But now that I sit down and think of it, it could work?? Leshawna is assertive but also laid back, kind and has a lot of goofy moments. And Trent is a certified wife guy™. I'd never thought of this ship myself but it could work 9.4/10

Trent×Noah - Once again, would have never thought of this if I hadn't read one of the best ship-centered fanfics this fandom has to offer. But I think it works better in that specific fanfic than realistically speaking. Trent isn't the exact type of pathetic (positive) Noah hangs out with and in the long run they'd both be too messy. If Gwent is the cuter side of teen romance, Trent×Noah would be the depressing side. I never watched the show, but from what I remember from "2015 grunge tumblr", it's giving Skins vibes 4.8/10

Trent×Anne Maria - I appreciate the mediterranean representation but no 1/10

Trent×Scott - How. Why. Walk me through this one without making them ooc 0/10

Trent×Zoey - Only in a Doey AU where Duncan keeps throwing dogeballs at Trent in PE everytime he tries to talk with Zoey about british pop 2/10

[mrs-snape5984]

“Free me from this pain, I’ve been running from…”

“I'm tired and I'm free falling. Free me! I'm lost and I am calling you…” (“Free me” by Sia)

I’ve experienced some very rough hardships in my almost 40 years lasting existence in this world…but I’ve never given up on myself. I knew, that I’d have to fight my way back out of these horrible miseries, and I kept my faith to find the path to better times…to find the path, which will lead me upwards again.

I admit, these hardships left their marks, their scars on me. They formed my heart and my mindset…they made me the person, that I am today. I learned my lessons…and I kept going.

Since I’m living struggling with this goddamn bitch of a disease, called ME/CFS, my life has only one direction: It’s going downhill…and it’s getting faster! In these past 1,5 years, I’ve lost more and more of all the things, which made my life worth living for. I lost my ability to do my job as a pedagogue and social worker. I lost my freedom, since I’m stuck in my dark room day and night. I lost a lot of social contacts, since screen time is messing with my brain and each phone call costs me too much energy. I lost my capability to be an active mother for my three children…and this is the part, that hurts the most. Damn, I lost so much more…and I feel my heart shattering in pieces every fucking day!

Everything in my life is slowly falling apart and I’m losing my grip on reality…and on myself! The newest pain in the ass is probably my habit of passing out every few days. My whole system shuts down in the middle of a simple talk or something else and I’m falling into unconsciousness! I can’t remember the things, I’ve done before…I’m just blacked out for several hours. At first, my kids were afraid in these moments…especially when they couldn’t wake me up from this state! But now, they simply accept that “quirk” of mine as their new reality…and my motherly heart is aching for them. This shouldn’t be their reality! They shouldn’t have to live with a mother, who’s always in the dark…who’s always lying in bed! They’re children!! They shouldn’t have to whisper in my presence. I should be the person, they can rely on unconditionally!! Fuck…my heart is bleeding…and I’m sorry for my pathetic venting.

I need a way out of this hell…but since there isn’t any possibility for me right now, I’ll keep on clinging on Severus. My fantasies of him and my way of coping with my misery by writing stories about him and my - oh so self-inserted - OC Julia/Jules are the only thing, that keeps me mentally stable functioning. Well…at least that’s what I’m telling myself. I mean, I know how depressed my posts might seem.

My favourite artist for my darkest ideas is my friend @madfantasy. I told Mani about my wish to be freed from my darkness…to be cured from my disease. I need a saviour…a true hero…I need Severus! Since there aren’t any promising medical treatments, I’ll need a magical miracle to get rescued. And this is exactly, what Severus is trying for me. He conjures the demons inside my soul and forces them to leave my body. Severus is the only person, who’s brave enough to face the darkness within me. He’s my knight…and the love of my life. 21 years of my life, it was Severus, who kept me going…who inspired me with his resilience and his courage! A lot of those previous hardships could be endured by me, because I had something, I believed in. I had something, that gave me confidence and strength. I had Severus. So, please…don’t let me lose my hope and my faith in his support. And don’t let me lose my faith in myself.

Mani, my precious friend, I’m stunned by your ability to understand my ideas. Every time, I’m commissioning you for another project, your art helps me to soothe my troubled heart. It is as if you’re drawing my feelings!! I can sense my own emotions in every single line of your drawing. You don’t know, how grateful I am that I was allowed to meet you here. I love our conversations and our understanding for each other. Feel hugged, Mani! I’m sending you so much love! 🫂🫂 (fly fly) 🥹🖤 Thank you for everything.

🖤Severus & Julia🖤

🖤Sevy & Jules🖤

[meowunmeow]

Undead Unluck Chapter 199 Spoilers!!

This is Part 2. Part 1 here

I can't tell who's the first one, can anyone tell me their guesses?

Juiz using Unjustice because all War is about hurting others so he's hurting himself!! She really said "if you wanna kill so bad then kill yourself".

SHORT HAIRED JUIZ YIPPEEE fighting Justice no less. No wonder she decided on duelling and nothing else.

Omg full mask Juiz 😳😳 stabbing Sick right in the chest lol. That explains why he was so arrogant in the Sick Arc, he's facing a new opponent.

Once again with the whole "Soul sees humans as equals instead of lesser beings". But that might explain why he's the first seat outside of being the eldest daughter, he's smarter than the rest.

Aww the makeshift sling from Haruka's apron 🥹

So while Luna and Soul were having a chat, Top was having a soul meetup before dragging Beast around the Earth several times.

But hmm... "Bunch of athletes I respected"... Could it be they gain Unstoppable only after becoming professional athletes? They probably had to give up their passion for the sake of not hurting others under the guise of retiring early :((

For a moment, he looked like his old self aww :,))

And woo!! Julia got her Panpanda wallet back!!

So it seems that Julia was already told who the remaining recruitments are (Kururu, Backs, Tatiana but my coping ass wants to believe that Feng and Lucy are included too and Ruin too... I guess...) as well as who's next

Haruka forcefully making Top's tsundere ass nod is peak buff girlfriend activity

Fuuko is either predictable or Soul is just too insightful. Either way, I love these double panels.

And yippee!! Soul upgrade for everyone!! Knowing Tozuka-sensei, he'd probably make it a timeskip again, oh well...

WHOA

HUHHHH??!?!??

Anyone who predicted that Language Arc would have a communication issue and give Tella a chance to shine because of his communication speciality are definitely kicking their feet and giggling rn

BUT YEAHHH IM SO HYPED

Oh damn at least there's a cooldown, unless that she's attacking them while they have this debuff. That would be so sick, like they have to rely on fighting without an important aspect - communication - as well as fight against the clock. Man, I'm so hyped!!

12 hours of silent battle AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

WHOA WHOA WHOA... ICHICO SPOTLIGHT AGAIN??? YIPPEEE I MISS HERRRR

And aww Nichico moment spotted!!

Looks like she went beyond simple astral projection if she's this much of a threat to them...

I like to think the reason is actually more petty in the loop is because Nico defeated her easily in a 1v1 match in the previous loop and she's so salty that she wants to kill his future wife and prevent Mico's conception as well as make him extra depressed Ghost Arc style

And we don't exactly know the extent of Lan's ability either... But seeing how a lab member is bleeding from the mouth and she's sitting on him so nonchalantly and Nico looks so wary... I'm excited to know

That's all for now, I can't wait for the Language Arc to start! IM A NERD FOR LANGUAGE IF YOU CANT TELL ALREADY EHEHEHEHE

[sweatermuppet]

sorry if you've been asked this before but have you gone to college or are you interested? a lot of my fav writers went to pretty prestigious places and have masters or phds etc and i was the type of person who never thought i'd be able to go to school for writing (or anything really) but i'm gonna try this upcoming school year. would love any insight you have if any <3

my feelings on further education for writing are complicated, but to put it out there at the top: i did not go to college & do not consider it necessary to be published

i did not apply to college in high school, which was highly controversial according to teachers, who insisted i need to at least look. i had some poor grades (almost failed creative writing, almost failed sophomore english) & did not attend many after school programs. i skipped class, had a suspension on record for fighting, & i was deeply deeply clinically depressed. i was in therapy, on medication, & could not see that another few years of school would suit me, especially because i was trying to come out as trans in a small school & that exhausted & despaired me. i did not have savings, scholarship offers, & my parents had told me since childhood that any secondary education would be my responsibility

i would like to go to college now i think, or at least attend more workshops & small classes for poetry & fiction, but i still feel it is very unlikely. education costs are too high for me to consider it an agreeable sacrifice for those experiences & connections. if i had the chance to go somewhere for writing, it would have to be within a financial margin that seemingly does not exist for current college costs & i refuse to take out loans, especially when i would rather work a day job & further my transition

i think it is very possible to educate yourself. there are lots of online resources available that can provide you with lessons, prompts, readings, & "homework". one key element, that ive discussed with other published friends, is that doing it alone... means you are that: alone. there is a lot of value in being taught by someone or someones who can answer your questions & give you a uniquely human perspective. i have taught myself a lot privately, but it does come with a sometimes crushing distance that can feel downright alienating, if not discouraging. there is a thrill in discussing poetry in a group that cannot be replicated in solitude

on the other hand, i think experiences cannot be taught in a classroom. to write, you must live first. you have to have material & it is difficult to craft material when you are entirely occupied with study. heartbreak, loss, love, wonder, can all happen during college, & even college is its own experience, but i do think there is a lot of overlooked value in people who just do... people things without wondering if it'll make a good poem

when i went to a writing retreat last year, i was the only man to attend (or ever apply!) & the only person in the group to not have gone to, or actively be in, college. i was torn between thinking i was an outsider, because everyone around me was "better educated" & feeling like id accomplished something all on my own

so... at the end of the day, i think it is entirely personal whether someone goes to college for writing. i know people who have gone & loved it & others who did not find it useful. i think these depend upon yourself, the school, your style, what you're hoping to achieve, etc. i think most of all it's deeply important to learn with other people when you can, to talk to people about poetry, to go to readings & subscribe to journals & visit libraries & take notes. how that is done is up to you

[sarenth]

Reflecting on some of the posts that I have made and seen in the last couple of weeks, both here on Tumblr and on TikTok, I am increasingly suspicious of anybody that insists that voting is a useless or misdirected effort of energy. Not only have I seen innumerable cases in my state where this is simply not the case, entire sections of the federal government are effectively locked into right-wing positions because Trump won his election. He has entire sections of the appeals system and federal government more broadly aligned with him precisely because of how many nominations he's successfully put forward. Now, this does not mean that Biden or even the Democratic party more generally is going to ride to the rescue, however it speaks to the power that voting results wield.

Not voting is not an effective protest. All you are doing by not voting is saying hey someone else make this decision for me. By not voting you are not actually saying to the system "Hey I'm protesting against you!" At that point you have given the government system cart blanche to fucking ignore you.

I don't know who told you that not voting was anything other than giving up what little power you have to influence your government and therefore how your tax money and society operates on an everyday level. They lied to you. After a certain point there's no nice way to put this.

If you choose not to vote, that is a choice. I view it as an incredibly poor one. I also look at voting third party outside of elections where you know the candidate has no honest to the Gods shot to be a waste of time. You can vote however you want. If you want your vote to be effective then you're going to have to play with the system we've got until we can make a better one. These things take time. If we are being realistic, it is likely more than a few election cycles.

Another thing I have found intensely distasteful this entire election cycle has been from some leftists to sneer at harm reduction, as though opposing Republicans with Democratic candidates is just caving to fascism. Democrats and my State backed up unions and secured a woman's right to choose and secured bodily autonomy not only for women but forLGBTQIA+ folks. Republicans have fought against that.

"Oh but Manchin-" "Oh, but Sinema-"

Are not the whole of the Democratic Party. They were conservative holdouts in a largely center to center right coalition party whose younger constituents are far more left that the old guard. They fucked up some excellent legislation (or at least excellent opportunities) to put us in far better positions through helping to kill the Democrats' Build Back Better Plan and similar legislation.

Trying to punish the Democrats retroactively for not pushing Roe v Wade into law or not fulfilling all their campaign promises, by withholding your vote come the elections is short sighted, retrograde, and ultimately, harmful. It hands power to the Republicans without a fight, and allows them to set the boards for zoning, schools, city council, and so much more. It actively shoots your fellow citizens in the foot so you can feel moral superiority.

It reminds me of folks saying "Well I'm not filing because I am not gonna pay my taxes!" Unless your income is entirely under the table or illegal, or you intentionally changed your contributions, chances are that you were paying taxes this entire time and the only thing you're doing by not filing is potentially fucking yourself.

I get being angry, desperate, and despairing at the state of things, whether the political system, the world more broadly, or whatever issue you hold most dear to your heart. I'm not saying don't be angry, sad, depressed, or raging. I'm saying use it well. If you cannot summon up the give-a-shit on your own case, do it for those around you. Every bit we can do helps, and voting can make a lot of difference in our neighborhoods, and from there, the greater world.

Whether you are reading the missives from various pulpits or you're looking at project 2025, Christofascism is here. Folks have been warning about this for quite a long time, and it is here and it is in full swing. We cannot afford for the Republicans to take over. Heathens, Pagans, magical folks, none of us can afford a Republican victory at this point. Republicans have shown a deep willingness to use the apparatus of the state to harm queer and non-Christian people. They have shown a disdain for the separation of church and state. If you are on the right in this country you should be concerned if you're in any marginalized group. You will not be spared because you're "one of the good ones ".

Did you not see how they treated the Log Cabin Republicans? Did you not see that? Voting red will not save you, it will not make you more palatable. If the Republicans take power and get what they really want through their Christofascism and Project 2025, it does not matter how long you've been a Republican; if you are queer or Pagan you may as well not exist.

Believe me, I am not for a moment stating that Democrats are our saviors. They are a coalition center right political party that we can influence through our lobbying and votes. We can influence them through a variety of other means, including direct action is some have done. Some of you have failed to notice that your direct actions actually were useful! Kamala Harris came right out and said that they were pushing for a ceasefire, after so long of just leaving it off the table entirely. It is not that the narrative cannot be pushed, it is not that we cannot be heard, but you all need to recognize when you are heard and act accordingly without moving the fucking goal posts.

You demanded the administration work on a ceasefire and now they are. That is a victory! However, the Democrats cannot make the Israeli government and the Palestinian government come to a ceasefire. There is also only so much that we can do given the treaties and the alliances that we have. Yes, I know that America has a history of breaking it's treaties and why couldn't we just break this one? Well, because we're just not going to because it's been policy for almost the last 80 years. I just fervently wish the left more generally understood the political process better than it does and realize that we are doing quite a lot to move things along from where they could have been.

If you think for a second that Trump presidency would be better on any of these things you're wrong. That there are some leftists want to sink this project of American democracy simply because they didn't get what they want reminds me a lot of screaming fucking children who want a toy and are going to scream and shout when they don't get it. There's a sincere lack of understanding of the political process that I am seeing right now, especially given what I saw during the primary elections, and is sincere lack of understanding the political process with regards to our position with Israel. Again, I am not saying for a fucking moment don't be angry and don't do everything that you can't tell lobby for the Palestinian people. Engage in whatever diversity of tactics appeals the most to you. Part of having a diversity of tactics is including voting and on the ground diplomatic work. It isn't fun, it isn't sexy, but it's absolutely necessary in the meantime to get us to a place where we can be more effective. I would rather be more effective than being morally pure. I would rather be more effective and do what is possible than see everything around me fucking burn because it isn't just right.

I really do not hold with deontology. As a heathen my ethics are more centered in consequentialism. I care about how the tapestry looks after it's been woven, more than I care about how it has been woven. I will take an imperfect way of getting to the end of a tapestry then the tapestry never getting finished or being finished poor due to constantly unraveling it. There is no way that burning everything down is going to be helpful or effective for most folks. In any case, burning everything down with nothing to replace it leaves folks like me who rely on regular medications like insulin completely fucked. To be sure, the system fucks me and those in my position. It fucks the poor, the disabled, the marginalized. However, not having anything to replace it and just burning everything down, having no complex systems in place to slot into place will do immense, untold amounts of damage. Reforms are not sexy, and but they are how we can continue to live while we do the work needed to make things more equitable, more fair, more just.

I want change. We need to change as a society to become more just, equitable, fair, and to survive in the face of the challenges that we are facing. However, stepping away from the system as a whole, as though you're not going to be wrapped up in it as things go forward, that, to me, is giving up. It's not revolutionary. I would far rather see leftists and left-leaning Heathens and Pagans to flex their vote and their activism locally, to make the changes on the ground that we can where we live, how we live, with the Ginnreginn we live alongside.

[forestshadow-wolf]

El's Master list

Hi, call me El. I post cod shit, and occasionally fics. I talk to my mutuals a lot. like A LOT a lot. I don't post anything spicier than suggestive, go to mt sideblog @what-in-the-gloobie-glob for that, but don't expect much

Um I'm hard to offend, so if you wanna send me hatemail at least be creative :) if you send anyone else hatemail you're not allowed on my blog

a few rules before we start:

homophobes, transphobes, racists, pedophiles, ableists, zoophiles, and zionists are not welcome here. you are not welcome if you are just being an asshole in general, not saying you have to be nice, but don't be mean. Additionally I DO NOT support the use of AI in any art from including writing and audio. Here is the list

now that the necessary info is out of they way. feel free to make any request, my askbox is always open and anon is left on (dangerous I know), I cannot guarantee that any ask will be answered with any efficiency, but it will be answered eventually.

while I mentioned all the people who are not allowed on my blog, please know that the only problem I actively talk about is homophobia and transphobia. this DOES NOT diminish any of the other problematic topics, they are simply the ones that apply most to my blog. PLEASE DO NOT FORGET ABOUT ANY OF THESE PROBLEMS!!!

I do have a link to a bunch of downloaded Ao3 fics, fics that I have personally read, in the event that the website goes down for an extended period of time again (DDoS of 2023). there IS a link to give me suggestions for fics to download, only taking completed fics.

My Ao3: PotatoBeanFestival

My Ko-Fi (I'll take requests)

My Fics and WiPs

Blossoms of Love - Master list Perched Unlikely - Master list I.S.B.T.P.K.F.T.S - Master list (on hiatus) WiPs and AUs drabbles

Linguistics and Other

Scottish phonetics Sensitivity writing

Fight AI w/ Glaze and Nightshade

Mental health and other tips

Genuine depression tips some of these help me

Gross does not mean moral failing

Half-assed is better than no-assed (do it the "wrong" way) Aggie-Jean says you ARE hot shit!! And to drink responsibly

Driving tips part 2

Just in case the worst scenario

Downloaded ao3 fics

Heavily recommended reading on ao3 if/when you can though. be sure to leave a Kudos and a Comment! link to give suggestions/recs here!

tossing my blog specific tags down in the tags section

[a-student-out-of-time]

Regarding the people being suspicious of Eden thing, it brings to mind a quote from The Incredibles 2: "Politicians don't understand people who do good simply because it's right. It makes 'em nervous." Anon would argue a lot of people in fandoms today are the same: they can't stomach the idea that there are genuinely kind people in the world, because that "makes them feel bad" for not being the same. So, Eden can't GENUINELY be a nice person, because then "they look bad in comparison".

//All of this is actually very interesting because Teruko and Arei both have very similar logic in Chapter 2:

//They have a similar sort of view that kindness, friendship and optimism are naive at best and actively harmful at worst. They've bought into the lie that reality is unilaterally terrible and everyone is an asshole out to get to you, and the only way to survive is to be an asshole right back.

//And it's definitely not for nothing, especially when you look at who says these things:

//It's a perspective I've seen in a lot of people who've been beaten down and dealt with so much awful shit in their lives that kindness feels almost alien to them.

//I've seen a lot of real people make those same conclusions, and they often decide that someone being kind is either too stupid to realize what they think they know, or they have ulterior motives.

//And like I keep saying, Despair Time is telling us that this perspective is wrong.

//Teruko's trust issues have only isolated her more and more from the others, and left her with far less information to work with than she would've had if she cooperated. Ace's antagonism and constant fights lead to him nearly getting killed. Arei actually did patch things up with Eden, and how that turned out...well, we can't really say for sure yet.

//It perplexes me how people have mostly latched onto the darkness and misery, and assume that this is some nihilistic misanthropic edgefest simply because the protagonist is the one who has to learn how to trust others. Or that David exists.

//Eden, meanwhile, is the person in the cast who best represents kindness and optimism, and instead of it being a two-dimensional platitude, it's her personal decision to be kind even though she knows how dark the world can be.

//I say all this as someone who has dealt with depression and anxiety for well over a decade at this point: Eden is absolutely right. Bottling up your emotions, withdrawing from others, and only thinking about yourself is a recipe for extremely unhealthy behavior.

//And approaching this from a writing perspective, if this were the grimdark story so many seem to think it is, characters like Eden usually die in the beginning to firmly establish the tone. They don't get scenes like this.

//Now, obviously I have no idea where the story is going to go from here, but I highly doubt that putting so much emphasis on Eden here is meant to signify that this is somehow going to prove Teruko right. On the contrary, I'm still certain this chapter will prove Teruko's decision not to trust anyone is far more dangerous and unhealthy.

//Either people didn't actually pay attention to what was happening or being said in the game itself, or they think that, because a character is kind, that somehow means they're going to be evil.

//I honestly think Eden is the least likely to be the culprit in this chapter. You can quote me on that and throw it in my face if I turn out to be wrong, but I'm sticking to it from here on out.

[skinwalker-bratz]

Idk if you still Wanna answer any creepypasta shifting asks, but!!!

Do you have any fun stories from it? Like, just what it was like day-to-day. Or hanging out with any of them, etc etc- I'm shifting to a creepypasta dr so I'm curious what yours was like!! And how they looked, since you said yours was realistic.

-💀(Cus I'll definitely be back, you have a neat blog)

Thanks, don't worry I don't receive many asks so they don't bother me ☺️

Ayee I rediscovered my Tumblr password.

Now talking about my experience, I would say that it was somewhat... Traumatizing apart from the funny parts. Firstly, I shifted without any additional security and everything would be 100% realistic, in terms of appearance and personality of the creeps and I also put everyone inside a manor.

Leaving my room was more challenging than here at CR, and it wasn't because I was antisocial but because no one there contributed to socialization, but there were some that I managed to force friendship with.

Most of the creeps were not sociable people, as they are to serial killers and monsters, and everyone there seemed to have some abnormal mental problem. Even I ended up having problems just living with these guys, and when I returned to DR I spent a few months in a mini depression due to the experiences there. Firstly, monsters that eat human flesh and cannibals live in the mansion, and as this is their main dish there were always prisoners there, and just hearing the screams of those people being cut and prepared is already a good trauma.

The mansion looked like those abandoned madhouses that we see in urban exploration videos, because people like the creeps rarely clean the place in which they live. Most places smelled musty, and were dusty, and that's not even counting the pests like rats and cockroaches that occasionally appeared around. At least some people's rooms were clean including mine. And that was already a good reason not to want to wander around.

In this place you would only socialize if it was extremely necessary because talking to a creep feels more like a hardcore game of chess, In other words, you have to be careful not to be manipulated and have to manipulate the person as well. Even because you could never trust them, no matter how good people they may seem. Even Jane didn't seem trustworthy there and Sally was scary.

Not to mention the smell of those people, because besides them not being very clean with their environment, they have little notion of hygiene. I think EJ was one of the stinkiest there, because the guy must have had the personality of a cat or was allergic to water to avoid showering for so long. You could smell him from afar and the smell was more like that of a wet animal than that of a human being. And most of them smelled like that there, not to mention the sewage breath of those people.

And in appearance everyone was ugly as expected, everyone had common bodies, most were well toned because they needed strength to do their "work", right. And some there were fat, not too much, but you could see that they had an above average fat content but not too much because we had a very active life there.

In other words, in general it was shit without the funny parts of the stuff I did to pass the boredom there. Of course, some more bizarre things also happened there, like some creeps offering drugs in the mansion's corridors in exchange for items. Or every now and then there will always be a fighting there and people will gather to watch the fight.

And you could occasionally suffer from slendersickness, and it's horrible, the symptoms vary from person to person but what I had most was severe nausea and a lot of headache. Besides, my nose turned into a waterfall of blood. And no one would help you, not even your friends, the guys literally just watch or ignore you.

So never shift without safety or without having an idea of ​​how realistic you want the reality to be.

[sweet-little-iris]

UPDATE: Out of the closet, but not transitioning.

So I could not bear to leave my kids. They are the life I chose, and it would be terrible if I did. My wife would not accept me transitioning, but she has been very supportive otherwise, and cares a lot for my mental health.

Now that she knows, she understands more why I am the way I am with things like clothes. Why I get defensive and angry when she thinks I picked a girly color, or when she comments on my longer nails or shaved arms. So now she understands and has no problems with those things. I can wear my androgynous bracelets and necklaces, shave everything, and even keep myself tucked, and not worry about her noticing.

She agrees that I should explore my clothing options, but asks that I keep it to the men's sections, even if it is more feminine styles. This isn't her being selfish, it's about us getting along and caring for the kids. It was a much longer conversation than this and it makes sense to me.

She understands that I can't always be the strong one, and that many masculine responsibilities are very difficult for me, mentally. That I need to get emotional, too, and that I need lots of hugs and cuddles all the time, which she gives. I told her even when I look like I don't want it, especially then, I need it! I told her I like to be the little spoon and when she grabs me and pulls me close like that. I even told her I prefer being submissive during sex, the 'problem' is so does she...

So honestly, while I'm choosing to not be free to take hormones or dress like I'd want even at home, I feel more free and at peace. I don't have to hide it all now. I even saw a bracelet I liked and asked her what she thought. It was pretty girly, but kind of borderline. My point is that I talked to her about it, and that was amazing!

I'm still insanely jealous of pretty girls wearing pretty clothes, but I'll have to deal with that. At least I can tell her why I was looking at that girl with the cute shoes.

I still have my secret online activities, like this, and my go bag of clothes for when I'm traveling for work (I love that dress so much!), but it feels so good to be present with her again, and to be honest and not fear ridicule and judgement for everything like I did.

I would not be happy leaving my kids. I'd be constantly fighting depression and covering it with clothes and hormones and who knows what else to keep me going. But I think I can be happy like this for the long term.

I share this in case it helps anyone else. We are on a spectrum with different manifestations and the triggers that got us here. Being trans isn't necessarily an on or off switch for everyone. For me it is likely both a label for my feminine traits, and a self reinforcing mindset I ended up in due to bullying, curiosity and exploration, depression, failure, inadequacy, etc. Trans or not, some of those things need to be dealt with to be a healthier me. That depression has nearly ended me a few times. I think I have the support I need now. I hope you do too.

[ja3hwa]

Little Miracle | Yeosang Pt.2

「Synopsis」 : Yeosang goes in search for you, but what he finds shakes him to his core.

「Word count」 : 1.7k

-> Genre: Angst, Heartache, Fluff with happy ending I promise.

Paring: Idol!Yeosang x Fem!Reader

[Warnings] : Mentions of miscarriage, Dark themes, Depression, Triggering scenes. Please read with caution.

Note : Thank you to my beautiful readers that asked so nicely for a part 2. You all are so sweet, and I hope you enjoy this read ♡♡

Part One

Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into a whole month. You cut contact, avoided every text message and phone call. Email and even letters. You didn't want anyone to see you. A failure. You barely could active your life goals, struggled with your relationships and now failed to carry a baby. Your baby... Yeosang's baby. Even though you had a fight and the baby wasn't planned, you loved it. You really did. And now whenever you hold or rub your stomach your heart aches at the shattering reminder that your body killed your baby.

All the boys tried to message you. None of them knew you had lost your child. They were in the dark, and you wanted it to stay that way, you didn't want to tell anyone. Expose your pain to others. So you lay on your bed, where you've been since it happened. You pushed yourself to send in papers for your work so you at least don't get fired but other than that, you've been hiding in your apartment. Ordering out, and getting food delivered to your house. You didn't dare leave just in case you ran into someone you knew. The knocks at your door stopped within the first two weeks. Concerned friends and family wondering where you've been but you ended up messaging them an 'I'm okay' to keep them at bay.

But the people you refused to contact are Yeosang and his bandmates. And finally, after over 5 weeks, Yeosang came for answers. He couldn't sleep, his was struggling to learn choreography, remembering his lines and losing his temper at people became more frequent. His bandmates and the staff knew Yoesang wasn't in a good place but he refused to get help or talk to them. So like Hongjoong, being his leader-self. He called a band meeting. He devised a plan for Yeosang to go over to your place to try and resolve what happened between you. And let's face it, the others were also missing you. Missing your laughter and smile and teasing nature. You were a family member to them and after so long without knowledge of your whereabouts, they too needed answers.

"y/n!" Yeosang called, knocking on your door, but after 2 minutes of no answer. He knocked again. And then a knock became a palm slam to the door, and then a closed fist on the wood. "Y/n! Open this fucking door. Please." He didn't mean to choke on the last word, but tears threaten to invade his eyes.

"Fuck it." He grumbled under his breath, flicking through his keys to find the spare key you gave him when you first started dating. He didn't want to come in unannounced but you had left him no choice. He headed straight for the lounge room but when he entered, all he saw was leftover food, a broken lamp and blankets and pillows thrown off the couch. It almost looked like someone had ransacked the place. Yeosang got even more worried now, practically running for the stairs.

"Y/n!! Answer me! Y/n!" He ran down the hallway finally getting to the front door of your room, but as he pushed the door open what he saw was not what he expected.

"Angel..." His words were soft, broken and uneven. His eyes watered at the sight. You were curled in a ball, clothes and empty tissue boxes everywhere. Your bin that used to lay under your desk, now sitting next to your bed full and overflowed with wet worn tissues. "Sweetheart..." He called out again but notice you were passed out. Redness around your eyes, and puffy skin on your face. You had been crying until you could cry no more. Upon your hand was a picture... A photo of―

"Oh my god..." Yeosang covered his mouth, tears pooling. It was a photo of your unborn baby. His knees buckled, falling on them. He sat in a kneeling position, not daring to move his eyes from the small photo. His heart raced, and a smile broke. He was so scared, worried about his lively hood and his members. He was afraid that he would let so many people down but yet he didn't think about letting your down, and that's exactly what he did.

"Yeo..." Your voice was cracked, dry and horse. Your eyes opened to see Yeosang sitting on the floor in front of your view. All the signs in your head became sensitive and your breathing quickened. His eyes met yours and you caved. "I'm so sorry..." and to think you couldn't do it, you cried yet again. He jumped up to hug you, climbing on the bed his arms wrapped around you, holding you close. You cried, you cried so hard. You yelled, screamed out in pain. Your heart was so full of pain, and all you could do was cry.

"I couldn't save them, I-I-I'm a fail―Hey no stop it. You are not! Look at me." He grabbed your chin, pulling away from you and that's when it hit him. You were almost 6 weeks in, you should be showing a bu―

"No..." His hand landed on your stomach, making you flinch. You sat straight up, moving away from him. Now it was his turn to ball, racking his fingers through his hair. "No...h-How..." He didn't want to ask as the question got caught in his throat but his mind wondered.

"I...." You didn't know what to say, how to begin. you looked around the room, avoiding eye contact but Yeosang placed his hand on your cheek, rubbing his thumb on your soaked skin.

"It's okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. If I was there, none of this―Yeosang stop please." You cut his ramble short, now it was your turn to hold his face, looking him dead in the eyes.

"You would not have been able to stop what happened...." You whispered, sighing before you started to tell him what had happened through the weeks he'd been gone. While you were speaking, all he could do was sit there with a pained expression. He knew he had no control but if he were there when it happened, there when you needed it, maybe you wouldn't have become so broken as you are now. That was his fault, no matter what you say otherwise. He held you, tightly. He wasn't going to let you go, he wouldn't leave your side... Not after what you had to go through. He would never be able to take your pain, reverse what happened, or turn back the clock to the day you told him you were pregnant.

"I love you so much. I'm so sorry..." He whispered, brushing his fingers through your hair, soothing the ache in your heart. You finally closed your eyes, without the pain of hot tears or dry irritation. Your heart slowed, and your breathing mellowed. The beating in his chest calmed you. You loved him so much, and though you went through torment, you knew he was going to stay with you until your last breath.

-

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[judasofsuburbia]

may i have a little 🔁 with the boys? 😌 <3

well now hang on.................this song with kas!eddie???

I eat boys like you for breakfast One by one hung on my necklace And they'll always be mine It makes me feel alive

a string of murders. all men. all around steve's age. his body type. sometimes down to his hair color, his eye color. the blood drained from them, practically eaten alive. steve watches the stories on the news. he knows exactly who it is. he knows he needs to stop this. even if he moved away after everything, left hawkins and it's darkness behind him.

he comes back, goes to the once closed gate. it still appears to be closed. the bat in his hand shakes as he steps closer and closer. he reaches a hand out to the slimey vines. he nearly touches them when he hears a loud thud behind him.

"what's that song? the boys are back in town?" the twisted voice from behind him says. it sounds so much like...

"eddie," steve states. he turns and sees eddie in all his possessed glory. still in the same clothes that steve left him in when he was presumed dead on the upside down ground. there are wings sprouted out from behind him, at least 8 feet long. his skin is pale with a grey tint. his smile is crooked, evil. he can see fangs sprouting from underneath his lips. there's blood actively dripping down his chin. fresh from a kill.

steve swallows. readjusts his grip on his bat.

"what did he do to you?" steve asks without even a tremor.

"vecna? he saved me when you didn't," eddie spits.

"hey," steve snaps. "i fucking tried. you were dead. completely lifeless."

eddie takes a step closer and steve fights to stay put. stay grounded in his stance.

"it could've been you. honestly, it should have been you," eddie sneers. "why did you get to make it out of there alive when so many didn't?"

steve feels that question like a punch to the gut. it's a thought he has often when he is suspended in his own depression. in his own survivor's guilt.

"you...you saved us, okay? you saved dustin. i know that. there was nothing we could do for you. i'm..." steve tries not to flinch when eddie steps further into his space. "i'm sorry, okay?"

"i don't forgive you," eddie pouts mockingly. he's in steve's face now. there's nowhere for steve to go. he swings his bat back and forward, only to be stopped by a clawed hand.

"ooo. didn't take that well, did we?" eddie asks.

"eddie. you have to stop," steve commands, pushing against eddie's grip on the bat.

"stop what? eating pretty boys like you for breakfast?"

steve's face goes hard. his mouth twists. he has to take eddie down. he has to put an end to this. "if it's me you want, fucking take me."

eddie grins, his fangs dripping with spit. "gladly."

send me a 🔀 and a pairing, and i’ll shuffle my playlist and make an au based on the first song that comes up

[arenee1999]

I thought I had found something special in OFMD and its fandom.

There have been characters through the years that I've identified with in a fairly superficial way. Studious, likes to read, awkward, lonely, bullied -- and my list of favorite characters paints a rather revealing portrait. But then I found Our Flag Means Death and I found myself identifying with multiple characters in a deep, visceral way that I have never had before. And I found a fandom full of people that felt the same way.

Then the darker side of the fandom began making itself known. Close minded, racist, homophobic, puritanical twats. The canyon that despises Ed and Stede, the gentlebeardies that despise Izzy. All of the people treating Rhys, Taika and Con like dogshit and treating your fellow fans even worse.

And yet, through that many of us still managed to love the show, the characters, the cast and crew and each other.

Then, right when literally everyone was expecting a renewal announcement we were told it was cancelled. Many of us fell into depression. We rallied as best we could to fight for our show. But we were still left reeling.

That same day one of my only friends (and the only one I could talk to about anything)  stopped talking to me. But I pushed that to the side and spent all my energy on the fandom, on Xitter, posting and talking and making as much noise as possible with everyone else.

Then March came around we got that announcement. Despite our efforts and a large portion of the industry on our side, we weren't going to see anything come of our efforts. At least not for the foreseeable future. Long term has yet to be decided, but short term there's no hope. Many of us that had been holding our depression at bay with frantic activity, crashed, hard. Some of us were still able to find solace in the fandom. Our love of the show hasn't diminished after all. So we reinvest in what made us love the show from the start and we let it heal us once again as best it can.

I'm one of the ones that crashed. And I was left with no one to talk to. I held myself together for awhile but eventually began to spiral. Tried pushing away everything because if I don't feel anything it won't hurt as much. I had made rather startling progress on extricating my last couple hyperfixations. And I was rapidly becoming dangerously, severely depressed. Then a month and a half ago I find out why my friend suddenly stopped talking to me. Apparently I talked about OFMD too much and he just couldn't handle it. I was simultaneously too much and not enough. And as I was suddenly and violently smacked in the face with a wave of despair, I dug around to figure out what pulled me out of the last few bouts of heavy depression I suffered. Because fuck knows, I was in desperate need of something. Turns out the last two times it was Taika (both directly and indirectly with Thor Ragnarok and OFMD) and before that it was HP fanfiction (for 10 years HP fic kept me mostly stable and functioning). Which explains entirely why my depression kept getting worse by leaps and bounds as I was in the process of purging all of that from myself as much as possible. So I took a good hard look around and decided my mental health was more important than protecting someone else's feelings. I immediately quit trying to unravel my core psyche and personality and was just starting to reach something resembling functional.

And now the fandom has once again erupted into puritanical, homophobic bigotry and hatred. And I'm finding myself shutting down. The joy I was just starting to find again in this fandom is gone. I see nothing but ash and dust. Even the clips of Ed and Stede's first kiss, that usually bring an immediate swell of joy, leaves me feeling nothing but numb.

If you are that full of hatred for an aspect of the show, be it a character, a pairing, a plot point, a cast or crew member, keep it to your fucking selves. Create closed groups, communities, discords etc. with the rest of the hate filled "fans" and spew your garbage where those of us that are here for what we love can't fucking see it. We do not need to be splashed with the muck from your cesspit.

Better yet, listen to DJenks -

[furiousgoldfish]

Hey, hope you're having a good day today (or at least not a bad one). I'm really confused about my situation, and I'm hoping that perhaps you may be able to help me figure things out about it

My memories of my early childhood are extremely fragmented at best and non-existent at worst, large voids of experiences that should be there, but aren't. Of the few fragments I do have, I get the sense that something must've been going on -- I space out when someone counts to three, the thought of someone grabbing my wrist activates my fight-or-flight response, and any sort of skin-hitting-skin sound makes me flinch. But at the same time, of the earliest whole memories I *do* have, from perhaps around the age of 13, I...wasn't being abused by my parents or anything? Like, I would get shouted at a hell of a lot, and I would get into trouble for shit that my brothers did and got away with, hell sometimes I would even end up getting blamed for what they did, especially my older brother.

And speaking of him, he's always been a self-centered piece of shit, always taking my things from me because he likes them and wants them for himself, or breaking things of mine because he didn't like them -- one time he tore off the face of a doll I'd made based on a character I made up -- and then yelling back at me when I got mad at him, or copying and/or deleting my save datas on games he wanted to complete himself first if I was too far ahead, not to mention the times he would repeatedly bash his leg against mine to the point of leaving bruises if mine happened to knock against his in the car, or how he'd yell at me to stop singing only to start singing himself, or how he'd always claim to like whatever songs he knew I hated and hate songs he knew I liked. And he would always get the more expensive birthday/christmas presents, and there were always loopholes in the rules and restrictions for him. Maybe I'm just being jealous, but it really feels like they're playing favorites here, and I'm the bottom of the barrel.

But in the last couple of years (since like...2020, I was 16 turning 17), things have...changed. I've been keeping myself isolated in my room 24/7, I'm basically nocturnal just to avoid everyone, and...I'm not even sure if I'm doing the right thing. My parents are both acting really nice, especially my mother (which is funny cuz she's always been the one I've been most scared of) -- hell, my mother even got me a Nintendo Switch recently, and she'll always buy whatever snacks and things I ask for, and we're going out together soon in a few days to go get cake together. And my brother, while he's only gotten worse in things he hates about me (now he'll get mad if I clear my throat "wrong"), seems to be...afraid? Of me now, and avoidant of being in the same room as me if he can, while before he would almost seem to seek me out and try to antagonize me.

Whilst certainly a refreshing change of pace in some aspects, it's also throwing my own memories into question. Anything before 2020 feels...fake, almost, at times, and any potential abuse from before 13 may not have even happened, for all I know I could just be inventing this all to try and fill the hours of isolation and justify my own fear and mistrust. And yet I *know* there had to have been something, because a 13-year-old doesn't start feeling like an outsider in their own family, and questioning if they were adopted, or if maybe they're secretly some alien from outerspace or monster from some deep dark cave somewhere for no reason, right? But then again I was always told that I'm overemotional, that my depression was always present from that age (despite me not even feeling depressed at all until I was 14?), that it was hormones, or school, which I mean it could be? How would I know, I don't even remember anything? And yet those just feel like excuses to direct me away from the true problem?

...I don't know, I don't know what to think, I keep flipping back and forth between the two. What's your opinion, reading this? I can give more information if it's wanted

Yeah I can see why your experience is so confusing to you, not only your memories are a mess and constantly being second-guessed, but your reality shifts for no apparent reason and you feel pressured to accept every new situation as if the last one didn't even happen.

Based on everything you're saying, I'm certain you're abused. The fragments of memories that you have all are memories one would have dissociated from due to abuse (in your case, you're even describing physical violence), and people don't make things like this up, it's upsetting, scary and painful. Nobody wants to believe they've been thru such things, and you seem to be suffering from the symptoms of it. Memories of fight-or-flight response being triggered, being shouted at, someone hitting you, this wouldn't have been happening if you weren't thru something really awful. And you'd have your memories whole, not fragmented.

Your sibling definitely abused you, and from how you describe it, it reminds me a lot on the narcissistic split between the children - narcissistic parents will often pick one child who will be 'the golden child' and will be heavily favoured, praised, will be able to get away with everything, and will be able to abuse and exploit the other siblings without any repercussions. The other child will be 'the scapegoat', and this child will always be blamed for everything, shouted at, humiliated, abused, forced to do work/chores, even used as a servant and a punching bag to rest of the family. The golden child can always abuse the scapegoat and get away with it.

So it's not just 'playing favourites', it's parents treating one child as a part of the family, and another one as a burden, waste, outsider. Golden child will usually have traits closer to the parents (it can be cruelty, sadism, entitlement, selfishness, self-importanct, or just some trait that parents can get celebrated for, like talents for acting, singing, music, sports appearance), and the scapegoat will usually be perceived as 'too different' or 'not useful' or can be discriminated even for a disorder, disability or sickness (though I've seen parents pick the sick child for the golden child too, because they can get a lot of sympathy points for being the poor parents who have to struggle with a sick child).

I could be wrong about this, only you will know if this rings true to you or not, if this isn't your situation, you still are being put thru something truly uncommon and weird that is hard to understand. There are several reasons why abusive parents will suddenly snap and change their behaviour from atrocious to 'less atrocious' or even 'nice':

You are closer to becoming an adult and they know you will realize that you have been abused, and there might be consequences for them once you realize it, so the treatment of you quickly changes so you'd have nothing visible to complain about, and so that you look insane if you do complain

Your parents are getting monitored by someone and are in danger of their abuse being outed. It can be a social service, but it also can be a neighbour or someone perceptive who is paying close watch to what happens to kids. Parents will be willing to act nice and to buy gifts and to treat their kids way nicer if they know they're being watched for abuse

You are getting opportunities to get away from home, which could result in you both realizing the past abuse, and telling someone about it, without them being able to stop you. They need to persuade you with nicer treatment to stay home, to not go anywhere, to not tell anyone anything, so they need you to feel insane if you try to remember the past or the abuse

They might want something from you that they can't get via abuse, they'll need your consent to something, and they need to convince you that they're good parents and love you, so you would not object to it. This can be anything from organ donation to marriage to some cult thing

it could be something completely else that I haven't even thought of, but the common theme is that your parents, right now, feel very invested in you NOT being able to figure out that you're abused, possibly because of the risk that they'll be reported, or that they'll lose you as a victim.

None of this means that your memories are not real, or that what you survived was fake or something to discard or forget! Had your parents and sibling really changed, they would actually reflect on their past behaviour, talk to you about it, apologize, try to make amends, they would not simply expect you to 'accept this new situation and never mention the past'. Only on abusive situations are you required to accept whatever you get, and never allowed to bring up anything that was done to slight you in the past.

I know this might be really hard, but trust your memories above everything. You didn't get in this situation, writing to a blog about abuse, struggling with fragmented memory, confronted with a strange and sudden change in behaviour, because nothing happened. Something did happen. The reason for change might be something neither you or I don't know about, some threat to the parents that is currently invisible or hidden from you. But you don't have to accept the current situation or ignore the past.

If you feel it's safe, you could try asking about why they've changed, and if they explode, refuse to elaborate, punish you for even mentioning it, or act like there was no change at all and you're insane - then you have your proof, they're gaslighting you about your past. To pretend nothing happened when it did, is to try to make you second-guess your own memory, and it's generally a method that makes a person go insane trying to figure out what's the truth.

Also, I forgot to respond to this earlier, but going nocturnal is something really common with children who are being abused. Night time often seems like the only time it's safe to be awake because abusers are asleep and you're allowed a moment of peace and comfort. Night is the safest time to exist for the abused. So that's another red flag you have that shows signs of abuse on you. Non-abused individuals feel safe and peaceful during the day as well.