#at least i got to feed a giraffe :3

[mydarlingdahlia]

LOOK LOOK!

They’re brothers :3

[starlightshadowsworld]

Danganronpa 3: Future arc episode 1.

Aka Makoto's very, bad horrible day

Thonks.

Okay so we're just gonna jump right into Makoto being arrested.

Fun.

Makoto who just does not give a fuck.

That is not the look of fear.

White haired dude is doing the this is why your arrested thing.

And immediately, vibes are off. Maybe it's cos he's arresting Makoto.

Because Makoto is my boy.

Or because I don't like his hair. It looks... So bad. I can't put it into words but the more I look at it.

Yikes.

Love the snap shot of the tragedy.

Red sky, everyone in Monokuma masks the snap shots of the Remnants causing havoc.

I wasn't prepared for Gundam's snake army.

Which he has, apparently.

Low key thought what is probably a giraffe, was a dinosaur.

And the snake wrapped around him, iconic.

And the lil bit of Nagito bowing to the Warriors of Hope.

... Which makes me realise Komaru and Makoto literally just reunited and now your arresting him.

Booo!!!

Booooooo!!!

"Humanity had one hope against the despairs"

Makoto Naegi.

"The future foundation."

Pfft. Nope.

You don't even get the lenience of not knowing, the game was televised.

Also why do they all have giant ass trench coats, but this one girl has a fur trimmed one?

We were supposed to be coordinated but nooo.

You guys trying to convince me you saved the world and you can't even coordinate a group outfit?

Suuureeee.

I'm sorry but I can't take this serious narration seriously when looking at people with Monokuma masks on.

And a teeny fedora on one side.

It's so silly, I love it.

See, they may be trying to destroy us all but at least they can coordinate.

I do hope we see and hear more of the tragedy. Especially from these guys because we don't know much about it.

I mean our only sources are Junko and Genocider, not the most reliable.

16 remaining.

...thats not gonna last. And I'm glad we're not doing 15 and than a secret 16 student this time.

At least I hope so.

I swear if there's a random 17th student I'm gonna flip the table.

Random dude with a bull head.

And fur coat girl feeding the guy who's head is on her lap food.

Okay than.

I dunno why but I was suprised they had talents like oh yeah that's not just a high school thing is it.

Immediately, suspicious.

Because tf you mean the Director is the former Director of Hope's Peak.

You mean to tell me there are teachers that survived?

Given what happened to Jin Kirigiri I just assumed all the teachers were gone.

... Apparently not....

But the director? How did Izuru not just destroy you? Like you survived? Are you the only one who did?

I was so scared he was gonna be a secret Kirigiri or something.

Also sus that we don't know his talent, unless he doesn't have one.

I'll be honest, the talents are kinda lame. I mean we've got:

Wrestler.

School scout.

Therapist.

Pharmacist.

Boxer.

Confectioner.

Farmer.

Blacksmith.

Housekeeper.

They aren't bad, they are some pretty cool ones but we're coming off detective, gambling queen, soilder.

Like I expect a few normal titles but suprised there was nothing crazy.

... I'm gonna take that back when the Housekeeper goes full Kirumi Tojo and turns out to he president of Japan aren't I?

I guess it makes sense because they were the survivors of humanity united together.

So them having normalish talents make sense but yeah.

I'm actually more suprised everyone was a Hope's peak student or staff member than anything else.

Also we gotta give them a better title than "Former super high school level" because that just sounds sad.

Oh and we're on a completly safe on an island that no one knows about...

Yeah ya'll are fucked.

White haired dude is back.

And we know he's clearly a big deal because he walked up onto the table.

... How high are the ceilings here?

Kyosuke Munakata. He's the vice chairman of the future foundation.

I will say his hair sucks but that tie is interesting.

And suspicious.

No one walks around in all white with a black tie that has a monster on it.

And we get a full look at the Remnants.

Badass.

Also Mikan's nurse hat looks so adorable.

Twogami with the night vision goggles.

Foreshadowing.

Sonia with the crown 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼yesss.

What are you talking about? You don't look at these murderers with glowing red eyes and think, besties?

Sounds like a you problem.

They officially call Makoto the Ultimate Hope.

So happy, I'd be more happy if they weren't trying to arrest him tho.

"Is he even worthy of that name?"

... If I didn't like you before I sure don't now Munakata.

Don't talk about my boy like that.

Sidenote, I dunno why they keep calling it treason. You guys aren't as far as I know a government or a monarchy.

It's not treason.

Man nothings ever gonna top Makoto showing up late to his own trial.

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Asahina!!! And Kyoko!!! With him, yess.

Outfits look great guys.

Maybe that's how you become a future foundation enemy? You just outclass them in the fashion department.

Man I missed these guys.

And yeah... They just arrest Makoto, no rebuttal just accepting he did the crime they're accusing him of and he deserves the punishment.

Love Asahina trying though, that was sweet. It must be hard for these guys too.

And I really like how there's people in the foundation wgo still respect Makoto.

Yeah he betrayed you, you're just doing you're job.

But he's also a colleague, he's someone you've come to know. You still respect him for the things he's done and still like him as a person.

I appreciate that.

... Unfortunately there's also the asshole's who hate him completely.

And fucking beat him to the ground.

And someone tried to throw a knife at Asahina, who's innocent mind you.

...This series is gonna give me anger issues I swear.

That good ol hopes Peak hypocrcy alive and well it seems.

I never thought I'd say this but can we start the killing game?

Please.

They made him bleed the asshole's... And the blood is red.

Kyoko maintaining her image because she knows she has too, while making it clear she is pissed off.

She's immediately characterised correctly.

... Is Chisa the Housekeeper lady with Munakata?

Girl I don't even know you and you deserve better.

Kyoko being Makoto's boss makes so much sense, professionally.

And in her own way telling Asahina she doesn't want her going down with them.

Asahina though, not backing down. I love the friendship between these two.

"We've been through worse."

Ha ha... Don't say it...shhsss

Wait, Chisa taught the Remnants?!

I guess someone would've had to but... What?! You're telling me they allowed her in here?

I appreciate her talking about this, hearing from her you can't kill them with kindness.

Hits harder, because she probably tried to. It must've been hard for her to see her own class destroy the world.

And visually they both look similiar, same green eyes and brown hair.

I wonder if she sees part of her in him. And telling him to quit while he's ahead.

... But Makoto's gonna do it anyway.

Or already has.

I love his answer though, it's so utterly Makoto.

They were people, they weren't born evil and I see hope in them.

... Fine I'll give Munakata a chance but I'm 👀watching you mister.

Hmm let's see, the buildings shaking and there's a bunch of dead bodies in a toilet stall.

Killing game tiiime.

I love the idea of Kyoko abd Asahina just shoving Yasuhiro outside.

Glad he looks the most changed, because he always was the oldest.

Aaand rocket missles.

Man Makoto just getting treated like shit... What would holding him down do? He's already injured.

I get that he's Lucky but it's not always good... As your about to see.

I will say I appreciate Munakata being level headed in the crisis. He might be vice chairman but he's definitely a leader.

Kinda like how Kyoko is Makoto's boss but when it comes to it, Makoto is definitely the leader between them. With Kyoko as his second.

Which is a neat parallel between him and Munakata.

Welp there's the sleeping gas.

And we're waking up disorientated and confused.

With... Bracelets? So at least Makoto got the handcuffs off.

Monokuma's suprise shouldn't make me laugh but here we are.

Makoto looks horrified, poor guy. I think he could've gone his whole life without hearing that again.

Poor boy, got arrested, beat the fuck up, and now relieving the worst experience of his life again.

With all the people who want him dead.

... Fuck man..

I hope the confusion is more what the fuck are you and not what is that?

Because I'm sorry if you don't know what a Monokuma is by now...you're really bad at you're job.

But ohhh boy we really are back in buisness.

"We'll make it a game, you millenials are into that aren't ya."

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Makoto, I appreciate the early Hope speech because fuck Monokuma.

But literally everyone but your friends and Chisa maybe want you dead.

...and hun, you know how this works.

Makoto being instantly horrified and pissed off is the Makoto I need more off.

.... And they fucking killed Chisa.

I don't think we've ever had an opening kill? But... Fuck man, I was expecting her to survive.

... Nope... And oh man it's so brutal, the red blood really makes it worse.

And now Munakata's grieving and pissed...

Which means one of the more level headed dudes isn't gonna be anymore.

Man...Games begun.

Monokuma addressing Makoto by name like an old friend just adds to it.

Fuck man we in for a ride.

[bluestar22x]

TLOU Rewatch: Episode 9 (Joel And Ellie Involved Scenes Only)

Heavy subjects below

- Ellie trying so hard to pretend to be interested in what Joel is saying and him trying so hard to get her engaged in conversation. Trying so hard to cheer her up. They both make my heart hurt. It’s probably been at least three months since the events with David (they are in Utah, in thinner clothes, it has to at least be around early April). Ellie probably has learned how to cope with her trauma to a degree by now, but like anyone with trauma she has her good days and her bad days and this clearly is a bad one for whatever reason.

- It kills me how talkative Joel is and how quiet Ellie is now when thinking back to episode 2 and 3 when it was the other way around. Joel’s trying to cheer her up but he’s also trying to fill a void. Silence no longer brings him peace because it means something is wrong.

- Joel checking in on Ellie, her apologizing, and him saying quickly that it’s fine. Argh. The pain. He’s just worried about you Ellie. He doesn’t want you to feel sorry for not being yourself. He knows you’re hurting. :(

- The boost. I always geek out about the boost. ha He does it exactly like in game this time. They’ve gained experience with the boost since their time in Kansas City.

- Ellie running off and Joel swearing after her is a parallel to that night in Kansas City too.

- Anyone miss the shadow of the giraffe in the window? I did the first time I watched, even though that was in game too.

- I wonder if Ellie even knows what the giraffes are by species name? I’d assume so, since she reads and clearly loves animals. If she knows about hotels, she knows about giraffes surely.

- I’ll never get over the way Joel lovingly watches Ellie while she’s feeding the giraffe. The smile on his face. He’s so happy to see her laughing. It must be such a relief. I’m loving hearing Ellie laugh myself. I want to cry during this scene. It’s so…beautiful. Such a sweet moment. Made all the sweeter by how rare such a moment in that world is.

- “So is this everything you were looking for?” “It’s got its ups and downs but you can’t deny that view.” I love the callbacks in this episode. That Joel keeps thinking back to the early days when he was trying so hard to stay closed off and not connect to Ellie. Who still asked those types of questions back then anyway because he couldn’t help himself.

- The way he smiles when she replies but it fades. Because he knows they are still in danger because their journey isn’t over yet. Because he doesn’t know what the Fireflies are planning to do with her. Maybe deep down inside he wonders if it might be worst than them simply taking her blood. So he proposes the idea that they turn back and forget the mission, but the problem is, more now than ever, Ellie is determined to finish it. And Joel accepts it. He gave her a choice and her mind is made up. He respects her choices [until he cannot bare to]. 

- The way he laughs at her saying she’ll go to the moon with him then becomes serious again when she says she’ll follow him anywhere. Him realizing the profound meaning behind those words. <3

- I still remember how my heart kind of stopped the first time I watched the episode and Joel admitted he was the guy who shot and missed. I had an inkling he might have attempted suicide after Sarah’s death (or at least thought about for sure), but I wasn’t expecting him to straight up say it. It didn’t take me long to start sobbing while he explained to Ellie how he felt after Sarah died. When he got that incredulous look on his face after he says he flinched, like he’s amazed by it. He can’t believe he didn’t go through with it, but he’s glad he didn’t because he got to meet Ellie and she helped him get back the piece of himself he so desperately needed. She revived the part who loved being a father.

- “It wasn’t time that did it.” People heal people, not time. Time fades memories, but it doesn’t help you move on from them. It had been twenty years, but Joel was still having nightmares about the night Sarah died. He still was hurting badly.

- Ellie’s reaction to this is so good. It’s a profound line. Paralleling her own earlier about following him wherever he goes. They both know with certainly now that they both love each other. That they’re family now. Ellie doesn’t need to worry about him abandoning her.

- Joel in tears, Ellie nearly crying herself. I really want to hug them both.

- And they jump right into puns to help themselves move on from their heavy conversation. I love Joel’s reactions to them (the tsk) and how he’s rating the jokes. He’s so much like his old self in this scene. The Joel who loved being silly with his daughter.

- I could murder the Fireflies myself for interrupting and knocking them out. Ellie sounds so scared.

- “You don’t understand.” There Joel goes breaking my heart again. And I don’t care what anyone says, Marlene can’t understand. Not unless she let someone kill a kid she considered her own, and Ellie is not that to her. She was an obligation. She felt like she had to look after Ellie because Anna was her friend. And she sent her to FEDRA school anyway, the enemy to the Fireflies. Ellie didn’t know who she was when they met. So no, you do NOT understand Marlene.

- If Marlene had understood, she wouldn’t have told Joel the truth. She would’ve had her men shoot him before he woke up. The only way she thinks he’ll walk away is if she doesn’t understand.

- Some people were saying she was going to have her men kill him outside, but then why not shoot him before then? Every second they spent talking to him, every second they wasted moving him down that hall - they were killing themselves slowly. If this is true, what a stupid move. It’s not like the Fireflies are known to be merciful. Why be now?

- Joel spent that whole walk planning, memorizing the posters and signs on the wall so he’d know where to go to get Ellie.

- I love that elbow to the face he gives that first guy. It doesn’t get old.

- The way you can see Joel shutting down, dissociating from what he is doing. The way he walks done the hall, the way he doesn’t flinch at getting shot at. This, this is how a caring person can become a killing machine. This is why they say anyone can do bad things if you just give them the right push. Even before Sarah was killed, the seed was there - Joel being the type of person who just did his job, who minded his business, and whose sole priority was to take care of his family (not an activist, not someone who cared about making a difference in the world like Tommy tried to do by joining the military) – but it is still so far away from who he once was. He had to adapt. He learned how to shove his emotions back so he could keep Tommy alive, keep Tess alive, and now keep Ellie alive. This is his coping mechanism. Because he knows it is wrong, but he feels he has to do it. He can’t live with the consequences if he doesn’t do it. Can’t lose another person. Especially not Ellie. If he hadn’t killed those people, he’d have killed himself.

- The moments when he falls out of that coldness – when he gently scoops Ellie up and holds her against him, when he’s on the elevator and looks down at Ellie and swallows hard like he is stunned at what he’s capable of doing for her, doesn’t know how to deal with it – I want to scream into a pillow.

- The writers keep telling us the cure would’ve worked, that’s the only way this story works, but in reality it wouldn’t have for so many reasons, not just because of the lack of science behind it. But this has been dived into so often I’m not going to rehash that.

- I’m also not going to dig into the old debate of whether Joel was right or wrong again either (and whether or not the Fireflies are just as bad in a few ways). Just want to point out that all, or nearly all, parents who are asked if they’d do the same as Joel have answered that they would. They would put their child before the rest of the world. That’s what makes humans good parents (usually). It’s in our nature to nurture and protect kids, especially our own. Not everyone has that instinct, but the majority do, sometimes without knowing until they become parents themselves. You can’t always understand what you’ve never experienced.

- Right or wrong, Joel did the only thing he could do. The only thing that he could live with. This isn’t a righteous story, it’s a story about love. It’s a story about being human. It’s not as simple as just doing the math. What the Fireflies were about to do was cold. It was out of a sense of duty. What Joel did was cold. It was an act of love.

(Sidenote: If Superman existed he would’ve saved Ellie. He wouldn’t have to kill anyone to do it because he’s bulletproof. He could have protected Ellie from anyone who followed intending to take her back. He would have taken her to safety and found another way to get the cure because he lives in a superhero world and in that world there’s always another way. This is not a superhero world. No one is allowed to be righteous here.)

- There’s a pain to hearing Joel having to lie to Ellie. Yes, he’s afraid she’ll hate him for it, afraid she’ll have him turn around or try to find another way to sacrifice herself. Yes, he’s protecting himself, their bond. But he’s also trying to protect her from sharing his guilt. And he does feel guilty. He hates what he did. He hates lying to her. He hates making a decision for her. It’s in the way he says sorry. Why were there only 2 options? Why was I put in that position?

(Why the hell didn’t the Fireflies try everything first before deciding hey, let’s kill humanity’s only hope without being sure the cure will work? Was it just because they were afraid to give Ellie the chance to wake up? It’s not like they’d be saving her from worry. The last thing she remembers was them tearing her away from Joel, not knowing what they’d do to her. Her last memory was always going to be fear.)

- Joel trying to cheer Ellie up again by bringing up their past again (The 5 hour hike – there’s so many reminders of episode 3 in this one).

- Joel talking about Sarah when a few months ago he bulked at Ellie saying her name. Saving Ellie, getting a win, enabled him to finally be able to recall his memories of Sarah without it being painful. He probably hadn’t actually thought about any of the good times until that moment except in a brief, bitter way. She used to smile like that, but now she’s dead. We used to hang the decorations on the Christmas tree together, but now she’s dead. Now he’s recalling those good memories and telling them to Ellie happily. And he knows they would’ve liked each other because they’d have been sisters and he loves them both.

- Jackson my beloved. Sanctuary in an apocalypse.

- Ellie telling Joel about Riley, hoping he will tell her the truth about what happened because of it. Because she’s telling him why helping create the cure meant so much to her. Knowing deep down inside her that something bad happened, that Joel is lying. Something is wrong. And then he doesn’t admit anything. He swears he’s telling the truth. The look on her face after. Conflicted. She will bury the lingering feeling that he’s not telling the truth because she loves him, but it’s costing something. Her trust. Her easiness with him. On some days she will forget and everything will feel normal but on other days…well other days will be bad.

What a way to end a game, a show, a season. It’s not a life-threatening cliffhanger but it’s a cliffhanger all the same. Because when does a secret ever stay a secret?

[survey--s]

275.

1 - What’s the biggest argument you’ve ever had with a family member? Did things ever go back to how they were beforehand?   I had a huge argument with my dad about my grades. I got an A in a French presentation and the first thing he said was “why wasn’t it an A+?” - I basically flipped at him and said I worked really hard on that presentation and he could at least have said well done. Anyway, it took a while but we improved our relationship a bit afterwards. Sadly we don’t really speak now as he’s isolated himself over COVID even though restrictions are done here.

2 - Have you ever experienced some kind of natural disaster?   Just a couple of really minor earthquakes.

3 - If you have pets, do you feed them human food or do they just get regular pet food? If they do get human food, what’s their favorite thing to have?   A mixture of both, but mainly pet food. The cats get chicken on top and sometimes tuna (though Toby is allergic). Archie gets bits of everything - chicken, fish, bread, pizza, cheese...

4 - Have you ever been in a physical fight? Who won?   No.

5 - What were you lighting the last time you used a lighter or matches? The oven, and I used a lighter. The ignition switch thing doesn’t work.

6 - What’s the weather currently doing where you are?   It’s sunny and blue skies, probably around 12 degrees ish?

7 - The last time you got up from your seat, what did you go and do?   I went to get some painkillers and then I refilled the dogs’ water bowl at the same time.

8 - Name five things you’ve done so far today: Walked the dog. Gone to work. Had a riding lesson and did canters on Stanley for the first time in the school. I’ve also had a shower and cooked dinner.

9 - What’s the mode of transport that you take or use the most?   I pretty much drive everywhere.

10 - When was the last time you got caught in a rain or snow storm? Were you dressed for it or did you end up getting soaked?   I got caught in the rain today but it was mostly just drizzle and I dried out pretty quickly afterwards.

11 - Did your favorite Disney film come out before or after you were born?   Before I was born by about 35 years.

12 - Are you a fan of musicals?   I love a good musical.

13 - What the last thing you spent money on apart from necessities?   Uhh, unhealthy snacks, lol.

14 - Are there any sequels to things that you prefer to the original?   Shrek 2, lol. Frozen 2 was also pretty good.

15 - How often do you lose the remote control?   I often mislay it in the blankets, but I’ve never lost it completely.

16 - When was the last time you had problems with your internet connection?   Uhh, about six months ago maybe.

17 - What games do you play on your phone, if any at all?   Klondike, Bingo Blitz, Scratchers and Gems of War.

18 - Aside from family, who was the last person you spent time with? How do you know that person?   Sophie came over to drop some keys off a couple of hours ago, if that counts? We’re both dog walkers so we know each other through work.

19 - Are you currently warm, cold or just right?   Mostly just right, though my feet are a bit warm.

20 - Do you prefer showers or baths? When was the last time you had either?   Showers, and I had one after work about five hours ago.

21 - Do you spend a lot of money on your appearance?   Try pretty much zero money.

22 - When was the last time you spent more than £100 on something? Was it a necessity like a bill, or a treat for yourself?   Uh, I spent £100 on stock for work, if that counts? It was a necessity but I can claim most of it back on my taxes.

23 - Would you rather swim in the sea, a lake or a pool?   A pool or a lake.

24 - Have you ever had a zoo keeper experience or anything where you’ve been able to go behind the scenes and look after/feed the animals?   I think I made this survey during quarantine? lol. Anyway, I’ve done keeper experiences for penguins and jaguars before. I’ve also hand-fed elephants, rhinos, giraffes, lemurs and squirrel monkeys.

25 - Would you ever want the responsibility of being a politician or a similar position of power?   Nope.

26 - How many times a week do you go to the grocery store?   I get an online shop delivered once a week.

27 - When was the last time you got a takeaway coffee or drink?   I got an iced coffee after work on Friday. 28 - Do you quote films or TV shows as you’re watching them?   Always.

29 - What’s something your parents do that really annoys you?   My dad can get really fixated on a subject to the point of being offensive sometimes, and my mum can be a bit flaky with arrangements, though she’s been a lot better since I called her out on it, I have to say.

30 - If you had to quarantine for two weeks tomorrow due to testing positive to COVID, would you be able to survive on the things you had in your house?   No, but I mean, that’s what online shopping is for, lol. Quarantine is no longer a thing where we are, anyway.

[inkribbon796]

Backstage Blues

Summary: Roman is determined to plan out the greatest wedding in history, if only he could get some help on that front.

A/N: I have decided that for the sake of the narrative that Tubbo and Ranboo’s marriage is a lot more common knowledge, Michael’s existence is still not, but whether Techno knows about that marriage is up in the air because he’s Techno. He focuses on weird stuff.

Things were strangely quiet in Egoton. Especially for the amount of people trying to actively kill each other these days.

The heroes had some of their usual problems to deal with: robberies, press talks, superhero activity; things that the heroes usually had to take care of.

The press wanted interviews with the heroes’ new “apprentices” and they were counting three of them, despite the fact that the Coalition had only two currently on record: Bomble Bee, Big Man . . . and Enderwalk, as Tubbo liked to introduce Ranboo.

With Tubbo’s husband almost acting like an apprentice, and the city absolutely loved the idea of a new trio of apprentices. Tommy loved being on TV, screaming and cursing when Ethan didn’t try to distract him from something else. And Tubbo who would ask overly invasive questions on camera about the most population-dense area of the city. Ranboo often helped Logan with Tubbo so that he didn’t accidentally give out bomb threats on live news feeds. Ranboo between his more demonic appearances and skittish nature the news could get close to him without putting themselves in harm’s way.

Despite Logan and the rest of the more senior heroes’ efforts, Ranboo was starting to become more and more an attachment onto the Sides. Mostly because Ranboo liked to come over and talk to Tubbo, and other times he liked to bring little snacks and trinkets. He wasn’t an apprentice yet, but with two of his little trio in the Coalition, a lot of people figured it was only a matter of time.

And occasionally he actually remembered to wear that identity-obscuring outfit Tubbo had made him a week ago.

Roman was really coming around to Tubbo, mostly because he and Tommy liked to listen to music and quote random musicals. Which was really all the requirement that Roman needed to like someone.

Today Logan, Tubbo, and Ranboo had accompanied Roman on a very important mission. Mostly because Roman was meeting with Illinois and Eric to help finalize some final touches on what Roman was sure was going to be the most glorious wedding in all of existence.

The couple met Roman in an outdoor café, taking advantage of the nice, warm summer weather. Roman was at one table with Eric and Illinois, while Logan was two tables over with Tubbo and Ranboo. Everyone except for Illinois were in superhero outfits, mostly because Illinois didn’t care about his own identity and he wasn’t a hero.

Any errant press that wanted a picture of “Egoton’s own Romeo and Juliet” because one was a hero and the other worked in Dark’s network — to which Illinois originally shouted when he first heard that “at least pick a couple with a chance” — and the sight of them always made Eric extremely jumpy. After Illinois caught sight of them it usually took a second or two for them to suddenly get pulled into a portal and dumped somewhere else to give the couple a little bit of privacy.

After another ameteur “reporter” had been dealt with, Roman looked over to the trio over in the other table. Tubbo and Logan were working on some equipment while “watching” Illinois. Ranboo’s lanky legs were pulled up in his chair and he was folded up in his seat.

Honestly Roman was pretty sure you could shove a bus under their noses and they wouldn’t notice. Which was a disappointment because he needed a third party to help give his ideas a little positive gratification because Illinois was letting Dark completely plan the entire affair with no consideration for what Roman suggested except for “paltry concessions”. Roman needed Patton to back him up, but Illinois drew the line at two Sides being part of his wedding planning at any one time.

“It’ll be a wonderful experience,” Roman promised, looking back from his failed check for Logan’s support. Then he looked over to Tubbo. “Bomble, you’re married, tell him.”

“Huh?” Tubbo snapped to look at him, clearly distracted by what he was working on. Ranboo put his feet down.

“You’re married,” Roman urged. “Explosion Boy needs a little bit of confidence for the wedding. How’d you and your husband get married? I’m sure it was beautiful.”

Tubbo snorted, “I got married fer[1] tax benefits.”

Roman blinked at him, “What?”

Tubbo chuckled to himself, looking positively pleased with himself. “Yeah, bonded pairs in the SMP get a bit of an aura break if yer linked with an empath. I got sick an’ tired ‘a havin’ ta pay that extremely pricey piper an’ Ranboo had just joined so when I saw him I went “that’s the one” an’ we were already kinda friends so BAM! We’ve been married fer almost six months now.”[2]

“What?” Roman repeated in complete, astonished confusion.

“Sides,”[3] Tubbo added, “yer older than I am, shouldn’t you have changed yer apprentice name ta somethin’ like, I don’t know? Concussion? Explosive Decompression. Or Combust-ION?”[4]

Tubbo paused, thinking, “That last one’s not half bad, I probably should have gone with that one.”

Another pause from the young arsonist passed, “Okay if you don’t take that one I want it after I stop bein’[5] an apprentice.”

“I, uh, I,” Eric stalled nervously.

“If he likes the name it stays,” Illinois dismissed. “If he wants to change it, he’ll get around to it.”

Tubbo shrugged, turning back to his projects with his usual dismissive but chipper demeanor.

“There must have been some romantic aspect of your engagement,” Roman demanded in exasperation.

“Nah, man,” Tubbo chuckled. “You are talkin’ ta the wrong person. You should talk ta my sister an’ her girlfriend. Or Karl’s fiancés. That would probably make yer argument work.”[6]

“So if you got married for taxes, which, okay, I get that, how did you two actually decide to get married to each other?” Illinois looked confused but intrigued at the same time.

“Well Tubbo was already making jokes that we were already married and divorced so I just proposed,” Ranboo answered. “I kinda looked online how to do it and Tubbo had been mentioning the thing so I gave him some jewelry and I said “do you wanna get married for tax benefits” and to my amazement he said yes.”

“I was smitten,” Tubbo joked. “Certainly helped that he was throwin’[7] necklaces an’[8] gemstones at me.”

“Man you two aren’t just a can of worms, you’re a whole boat of ‘em[9] aren’t you?” Illinois asked.

“Neat trick I didn’t realize until afterward is that tax benefits count in the human world too,” Tubbo grinned.

“You are an absolute menace,” Logan told Tubbo, and the teen just startled cackling in laughter.

“Isn’t it great?” Tubbo grinned before looking back at Eric. “I’m sure yer weddin’ will be nice an’ pretty an’ stuff. Yer in love an’ shit, it’ll be great.”[10]

“I’m,” Eric hummed, making the word sound more like a smushed “m” in his nervousness. “Nervous.”

He was gripping onto his knees, “I-I’ll trip over my . . . stupid legs or—”

Illinois slowly and gently placed his hand over one of Eric’s. “Dulcito,[11] if you’re worried about it we can get you a wheelchair or I can just carry you down to the altar.”

Eric’s face went red, he started twitching a bit, “But . . . I’m supposed to walk down the aisle.”

“Fuck that,” Illinois told him, leaning in. “You’ll look lovely whatever you do, even impossibly lovelier if you’re happy. I don’t want you to hurt yourself over this, or be so worried you’re not enjoying it. It’s our day. Your day. We’re doing a huge ceremony because a bunch of people want to be there. But I could grab Host and my dad and we could go down today to the closest courthouse and be out in an hour flat.”

Roman twitched uncomfortably.

“We did that,” Ranboo cut in, looking back at Tubbo. “We had what? Six people?”

Tubbo started quickly counting on his fingers, “Puffy, Foolish, FJ, me, you, Niki, Eret, Michael . . . Yeah six, not includin’[12] us. Eight, if you do.”

“It was a nice little ceremony.” Ranboo reminisced with a smile on his face. “Eret married us, your sister walked me down the aisle.”

“You tripped on the stairs,” Tubbo chuckled, before turning to the engaged couple, “do yourselves a favor an’[8] make a ramp. Boo here is all legs like a mad giraffe an’[8] he ripped his dress when he tripped. Almost knockin’[13] Puffy over and you can’t do much worse than that, let me tell you.”

That didn’t seem to calm Eric’s nerves.

“Already been planned,” Illinois reassured.

“We’ll get back to that, just excuse me,” Roman cut in, “so your best friend didn’t even show up to your wedding?”

“No, he couldn’t have, he . . .” Tubbo paused, clearly thinking about something. “Big Man couldn’t be there, talk ta[14] him about it, it’s really not my place ta[14] bring it up. It wasn’t his fault, Dream just . . . like I said, it’s not my place ta[14] talk about it.”

“I,” Logan stalled, something in Logan’s brain didn’t like how that had been worded. “I see.”

“Yeah so Big Man wasn’t there,” Tubbo shrugged, a distant look hidden behind his domed helmet. “He’s around now an’ it is nice ta kinda have him back ta normal again. Wish he didn’t try ta set Boo on fire, but no one’s perfect.”[15]

“That is very concerning,” Logan commented. “When was the last time he tried that?”

“Tried or just threatened it?” Ranboo asked.

“Both,” Logan’s tone was as dry as a bone.

“Attempted, it’s been a couple months,” Ranboo admitted, “ he threatens it once every couple of weeks though.”

“We need to have a conversation about constructive behavior then,” Logan decided. “We’ll talk with him when we get back because death threats are unacceptable.”

“No, I’m pretty sure he’s joking,” Ranboo tried to deny. “The furthest he’s ever gone is pull out a knife on me. It’s alright, he’s just like that.”

“You know the more I see you heroes, the more I’m sure that if you’d ever actually met the Author, he would have cut through all of you like wet tissue paper.” Illinois spoke up, looking at Ranboo like a particularly accident-prone toddler. “You all really lucked out, didn’t you?”

Ranboo nervously ducked his head so he didn’t accidentally look Illinois in the eyes.

“Yoo-hoo! We have the world’s perfect wedding to plan.” Roman reminded, trying to refocus the attention. Inadvertently saving Ranboo from the stand-off. “Hey, while I have both of you here: what’s on the menu, what’s the number of chairs, seems like it should be higher.”

“Max of fifty,” Illinois reported. “None of Dark’s business contacts are invited, we figured you guys might arrest them.”

“Depends on the person,” Logan admitted.

Roman rolled his eyes, cutting back into the conversation, “I just wanted to know how we should just group people, is there any extended family we need to separate from each other?”

“My . . . siblings were all I had,” Eric whispered quietly.

“Well let’s see, Yan’s parents were part of a demon murder cult, they’re dead. Yancy’s folks are dead and he’s still not on speaking terms with his uncle for obvious reasons. King’s parents are dead. We literally all live with Bim’s dads. Fuck if the Host ever talks about Artie’s folks. And all we’ve got are shitty foster parents, who if they show up are getting exorcised back to hell and then killed again.” Illinois scoffed dismissively. “And even if I wanted someone who threw me away the instant they saw me, I would have gone looking for ‘em[9] years ago.”

“Didn’t you,” Eric started timidly before looking away, his mouth still open but not sound was coming out anymore. “Uh, get a, uhm . . .”

“Some asshat might have tried calling me at assfuck O’clock in the morning, but I blocked him,” Illinois sounded like he wanted to punch his mystery caller, Eric nervously looked away. “Dark’s my dad and I don’t care about anyone trying to get money or use me to cozy up close to Dark.”

The other two were quiet for a bit as Illinois mentally calmed down. He did reach out and lightly stroke the side of Eric’s face. Which helped Eric relax and by extension calm Illinois down.

“You could have just said no,” Roman finally commented in a tone that might as well have been saying: “I think you need therapy” and went back to his planner. “So we make a safe plan for sixty people?”

“Sounds good to me,” Illinois agreed, his tone brisk and forced.

He did take Eric’s hand in his own and smiled, “Don’t worry, my dear, I will make sure everything’s perfect for you. It’ll be the most amazing day of your life. I promised that I’d make sure you never regret saying yes to me. I meant it, it’ll be the most beautiful day of our lives and you will look amazing.”

That got Eric to tear up a little and after some minor note taking on Roman’s part, the couple left. Eric left with Roman, Logan, and the two apprentices, while the adventurer returned to Dark to run a couple “errands”.

Roman for his part was in a better mood, he’d gotten a couple more “concessions” and the wedding planning was coming along smoothly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Post A/N: Also I would like to draw to everyone’s attention to the canon fact that Tubbo and Ranboo got married at an emotionally turbulent time for Tubbo. Tubbo doesn’t handle those moments well. Impulsive marriage to escape how he felt about what happened to Tommy? . . . It’s more likely than you might think.

Accessibility Translations:

1. for

2. Yeah, bonded pairs in the SMP get a bit of an aura break if you’re linked with an empath. I got sick and tired of having to pay that extremely pricey piper and Ranboo had just joined so when I saw him I went “that’s the one” and we were already kinda friends so BAM! We’ve been married for almost six months now.

3. Besides

4. you’re older than I am, shouldn’t you have changed your apprentice name to something like, I don’t know? Concussion? Explosive Decompression. Or Combust-ION?

5. being

6. You are talking to the wrong person. You should talk to my sister and her girlfriend. Or Karl’s fiancés. That would probably make your argument work.

7. throwing

8. and

9. them

10. I’m sure your wedding will be nice and pretty and stuff. You’re in love and shit, it’ll be great.

11. Sweetheart

12. including

13. knocking

14. to

15. He’s around now and it is nice to kind of have him back to normal again. Wish he didn’t try to set Boo on fire, but no one’s perfect.

[toomanystoriessolittletime]

Getting away with it (2/?)

Summary: August Walker was dead. At least that’s what people believed for almost 2 years. When the CIA found reason to believe that he was alive they made it their top priority to find him. Including sending one of their best female agents to recruit his twin brother. Walter Marshall.

Pairing: August Walker x Reader (Walker) + Walter Marshall x Reader (Walker)

Warnings: none yet

Wordcount: 2.457

A/N: We’re slowly getting started with the plot. Hope you like it :)

Masterlist

Part 1

Taglist:

@ladyreapermc / @theolsdalova / @greenmanalishi / @itsmydreamlifethings / @palaiasaurus64 / @celestial-vomit / @penwieldingdreamer/ @notyourtypicalrose / @babypink224221 / @fanficsrusz / @solariumss / @starlite13 / @ly–canthrope / @mytbel0st / @oddsnendsfanfics / @ravenpuff02 / @sofiebstar / @chamomilebottom / @keiva1000 / @agniavateira / @peaceinourtime82 / @dearlybelovedluke / @vania-marie / @wildwavehc / @fcgrizi / @mary-ann84 / @ayamenimthiriel / @radaofrivia / @ohjules/ @omgkatinka / @xceafh /  @diehadess / @watermeloncavill

@its-jb86 / @singeramg / @mrrightismrreeves / @mis-lil-red  (I can’t tag you guys. Sorry)

Cemetery, Langley, Virginia, 2 years ago

It was a rainy day. The skies hang dark, the rain pouring down. A typical day for a funeral. But then again it really wasn’t a funeral in the least. August watched the few people that were standing around an empty grave from his hiding spot behind a tree. He could see the silhouette of his wife who was holding Evie close. He couldn’t see her face, and knowing her she wouldn’t be shedding a tear for him. 

She didn’t understand why he had to do, what he was still planning on doing. Making the world a better place for the next generation. His daughters generation.

Ever since he knew he would be a father August did everything with his daughters best interest in mind. Even if it meant lying to Walker about it. Knowing her she would be furious at him for his lies. He knew her like the back of his hand, she would blame herself for everything that happened before she would finally blame him.

But who really was to blame was the world. Their corrupt leaders. The politics. The weak people who didn’t stand up for themselves. That was why he wanted to steal those plutonium cores. So only the strong survived. Like him. His wife. His daughter.

Evie would make a great leader one day, he was sure of it.

“We have to go.” A voice whispered behind him, making his head snap over his shoulder, glaring at one of his remaining members.

“I’ll find you at the drop point.” August nearly growled.

“Yes Sir.” The man stammered, walking away immediately. 

August didn’t know when or if he would see his family ever again. So he watched them for a couple minutes more as they were standing around the empty grave, silently saying goodbye, before he turned around and left them for good.

CIA Headquarters, Langley, Virginia

“You tell me, Agent Walker, that you didn’t know your husband was the leader of a terrorist group? And you call yourself CIA…” The older Agent mocked.

“Like I told you the last 15 times. I haven’t seen August in almost 3 months before he died. Yes I recognized that his behaviour changed, that he stayed out longer, that he changed the passwords of his devices. But honestly? I was thinking he was having an affair. I would have prefered if he had an affair. What would you think if your wife suddenly stayed out longer? Would your first thought be that she must surely be leading a terrorist group?” Walker asked. The older Agent crossed his arms in front of his chest as he looked down at her. It was her fourth constant day of being interrogated. And she didn’t have any answers. She knew this was frustrating for the CIA, but it was even more frustrating for her.

She had been allowed a week for herself after news broke of the attack. She had brought Evie over to her Mom’s place and had spent the whole night drinking in front of the TV watching the news. She kept looking down at her wedding ring. Remembering the day she agreed to be his wife so detailed, she wanted to drink until she forgot it. Forgot what happened. 

Walker knew August had been hiding something. It was in the year Evie was born that he had started to change. He kept being on the phone instead of talking to her. The only time he really was present was when he was taking care of Evie. He was a good father. That probably was the reason she kept her mouth shut, when he snapped at her. She could see how sorry he was after he yelled at her after every single time. 

“I’m doing all I’m doing for your and Evie. I want you to live your life in safety.” 

The sentence kept repeating in her head. It was what he always said when they had another argument. When his arms were wrapped around her and he was kissing her head. After they had sex and he was pressed against her back, his leg over hers, his hand beneath her head. She always felt safe in his arms. She would probably even forgive him if he had a simple affair. But when three weeks ago the CIA was contacted with the real identity of John Lark, and she was sent to London to get through to him…

She would never forget the look in his eyes. How he looked right through her as she talked to him.

“August please. You know this will end with you dead. You know that. There is no way you can escape the CIA. There will be no place on this planet they won’t search for you.” Walker pleaded, standing across from him. August breathed in deep, his whole posture on edge.

“Please leave now.” August growled.

“What should I tell Evie, hm? When she asks about her father? Should I tell her he’s a insane terrorist who wants to kill a third of the world's population?” Walker asked.

“I’m doing this for her.”

“Yeah… You keep saying that, but do you believe it?” Walker reached for her gun. 

“You really think you can shoot me?” August mocked.

“Someone has to.” Walker breathed.

“How will you tell Evie that you murdered her Father?” He asked.

“I will make sure that she won’t remember you.” 

An explosion had interrupted their argument, giving August the perfect chance for his escape. Walker had met with Ethan after she had gotten out, telling him everything that could help him to take August down. With which he had apparently succeeded. Or so he thought.

“You will be helping us to get every detail of his life. We need to be prepared for what’s coming.” The older Agent said.

“I already told you everything I know.”

“You have to tell us about your daughter.”

“Absolutely not.” Walker shook her head.

“There is no room for argument her, Agent Walker.”

“You will leave my two year old daughter, who just lost her father out of this. Me you can have. I don’t care what you do with me. But Evie? No way.”

Minneapolis, Minnesota, now

“She’s not going to bite my finger?” Evie asked concerned, looking up at Walker. Grinning Walker knelt down next to ther.

“She’s not going to bite your finger. Look at her. She just wants that yummy lettuce you are holding.” Walker explained, earning a sigh from her Daughter. They had spend the whole day at the zoo and Evie had been so excited to feed the giraffe. Until she was standing in front of it. 

“Hmm…. ‘kay.” Evie said. Walker chuckled as she got back on her feet again, Evie clutched her hand as she slowly walked towards the giraffe. Walker nodded thankful at the keeper. Holding out the lettuce in front of her, Evie stepped closer to the giraffe who immediately spotted her snack and bend closer, her big tongue grabbing the lettuce from Evie, making her giggle.

“That… tickles.” The little girl giggled excited.

“See? And all your fingers are still there.” Walker smiled, making Evie breathe out relieved.

“Can we do that again?” She asked.

“Next time. If I remember correctly we have a date with the water slide at the hotel…”

“YAY!” Evie jumped

However these plans were interrupted when Walker got back to the space she parked her rental car in, finding it nowhere to be seen. She remembered exactly where she parked the car. 

“Motherf….” She cursed, stopping as she looked at Evie.

“Where is our car?” Evie asked confused.

“I’ve been just asking myself the same question, Buttercup.” Walker sighed. She was already reaching for her phone, calling 911. After a quick call to the local police station Walker had to come clear that her rental car had been stolen. Calling an Uber to the police station she waited while Evie was collecting Daisies on the side of the road. 

“What are you doing?” Walker asked. There was no point in getting upset over the stolen car. That was what insurances were for. It’s not like she couldn’t change it.

“Making you a Daisy crown.” Evie laughed.

With a bag full of collected daisies they stepped inside the police station. Evie was holding her mother's hand in a tight grasp, being intimidated by all these big men walking around her. Evie only really knew her grandfather and Uncle Miller, how she called Agent Miller. Ever since August died Walker hadn’t been involved with anyone. Too afraid of getting hurt again. Walker was just about to tell the police man in front of her why she was here, when she heard her name being called. A shiver ran through her body when she heard that voice. How could she have forgotten that he could be here. Looking down at Evie who was hugging her leg, she thought of what to do when Marshall made his way over to her.

“What brings you here?” Marshall asked, nodding to the other police officer who excused himself.

“It looks like my rental car has been stolen. We came here straight from the zoo.” She smiled uncomfortably, her hand coming down on top of Evie’s head. Evie was looking up at Marshall with a frown. Like she was trying to figure out where she knew him from.

“Well that su…” Marshall looked down at Evie, clearing his throat. “That’s not good.” He continued making Walker nod her head, sucking in her bottom lip to keep herself from laughing.

“Yeah. We had a date with a water slide, didn’t we Evie?” Walker asked. Evie nodded. Marshall got down on his knees to look at Evie. Walker held her breath, trying to control the numerous feelings inside her body as she watched the two of them. It seemed so familiar, yet so different. Even if August and Marshall were twins, the way Marshall smiled at Evie, holding out his hand which Evie took hesitantly to shake. Marshall looked up at Walker, his hair a wild mess on top of his head, a small smile on his face. Swallowing she sighed.

“You have the same hair as I do. Mommy always says I got them from my Daddy.” Evie said, her hand hesitantly reaching out towards Marshall but not really touching him.

“Really?” Marshall asked. Evie nodded.

“He died when I was littleler.” Evie shrugged, hugging Walkers leg closer.

“I’m sorry to hear that.” Marshall said to her, then looking up at Walker.She closed her eyes and breathed in deep. He got up from his knees, his musky smell with a hint of aftershave getting to Walkers nose. When she opened her eyes and looked up at him she could see the sympathy in his. For a little moment she let herself get lost in his eyes, recognizing the many things that were different from August, finding so much sadness in them that seemed to mirror her own she had to shake her head after a while to look away from him.

“Let’s see if we can find your car.” Marshall said quietly. 

Sitting in his office Walker knew he was about to find out who she really was, and possibly who she had been married to. Chances were that he already knew who August was. His face had been spread over the news for weeks after the incident. Thankfully her name and Evie’s were never brought up.

“You wanna draw something while we do this grown up stuff, Evie?” Marshall asked. Evie nodded excited as she sat in the chair next to Walker, already reaching for the pencil Marshall handed her, getting right into drawing, oh wonder, a bunny. Chuckling Walker looked from her to Marshall.

“She’s obsessed with bunnies.” She said, making Marshall smile a little.

“I remember Faye being obsessed with bunnies too when she was that age.”

“You have a daughter too?”

“Yeah. She’s living with her mother.” Marshall swallowed, looking away from Walker to type into his computer.

“Now… I need your full name and address.” He said.

“You sure you have time for this? How long has it been since you last filed a robbery report?” Walker asked.

“A while. And yes, I’m sure.” He looked up at her with the hint of a smirk.

“Okay. Then let me make this easier…” Walker sighed, reaching for her badge in her purse, sliding it over the table. Marshall looked down from the badge, up to her face, a line forming between his eyes as he typed her badge number into the computer.

The silence that spread that was only interrupted from the pencil running over the paper where Evie was drawing. Sucking in her bottom lip, a thing Walker only did when she was nervous, she waited if Marshall would connect the dots right away. She heard his calm breathing as he typed and clicked, before he pushed the badge back to her, his eyes still on the computer screen in front of him. 

Seconds stretched into minutes before Marshall finally looked up at her. His eyes confused and cold.

“You were married to…” He looked down at Evie, not finishing the sentence.

“I saw the news back then. It was like looking into a mirror. I tried to find out more, but everything was classified.” He said quietly.  Walker breathed in deep.

“I think I can answer most of your questions. But… not here.” She motioned to Evie who was still drawing. Marshall looked at her a little longer before his eyes were on Walkers again.

“Okay. Then let’s just file that report first.” He nodded.

It only took 15 minutes to file the report she needed to get to the rental car service and her insurance company.  Evie had drawn a whole army of bunnies when they were finished, gifting Marshall one of her drawings, which made him smile.

“I’ll be at your hotel at 9pm, like we discussed.” He said as he escorted Walker and Evie outside.

“Just go straight up to our room. I don’t want to leave her alone.” Walker agreed, seeing him nod.

“Thank you for your help today, Marshall.” She said honestly.

“You’re welcome.” He nodded.

“Thank you Mr. Policeman.” Evie smiled up at him. Marshall chuckled.

“You are more than welcome Evie.” He said, holding out his hand which Evie shook wildly, making the adults laugh.Walker took Evie’s hand to walk away when Marshall looked at her.

“Was he my brother?” Marshall asked quietly. Walker stepped closer to him.

“He is your brother.” She said, her eyes not leaving his, before she nodded and turned around to take Evie back to the hotel.

[thoughtfullyyoungduck]

babysit side effects

A/N: This was requested by anon, I hope you enjoy! sorry it took so long, Ihope it was worth it. Please let me know what you think, and if anyone has any requests please let me know! 

summary: Can you write a fic where richie and eddie are babysitting one of the losers kids, and it makes them realize they want a kid of their own? Thank you :)

warnings: curse words 

‘Okay, so let’s go over this again. Sophia has her first bottle of milk at 7:30 am, followed by her second bottle of milk by 11:15 am. At 12:30 she eats either fruit or a vegetable, and then at 3:15 he has another feeding time, this time a vegetable or fruit depending on what you gave her before, and then at 6:45 she has her last feed which is milk. Do you understand?’

Richie nodded somingly, even when he had to try hard to keep his laughter in, the serious and panicked look on Stan’s face too much to handle.

‘Of course Staniel, don’t you trust me to take care of your kids for a day?’

There was a beat of silence, during which Stan stared at Richie intently, trying to gauge if he was serious, or if he was just trying to provoke him. Then; ‘Off fucking course not Richie. Patty take your bags back inside, we’re not going.’

Laughter poured from Patty, who was just loading in her bag in the backseat, straitening up and walking closer to them. When she got close enough, she reached out and plucked Sofia out of Richie’s arms, her in hand holding her by her bum, while the other on supports the back of her head.

She coos at her daughter, full of love and not an ounce of annoyance anywhere visible on her entire face, despite the fact that Richie saw her slobber all over Patty’s blouse only minutes before she had to leave.

‘Sure we do Rich,’ Patty assures him while she grants his a kiss against his cheek as  goodbye. ‘Stan and I wouldn’t have asked you if we didn’t think you were up to the challenge. Besides, we’re only going to be gone for a night, and we’ll return first thing in the morning. If anything goes wrong he can call us.’

There only off to help Patty’s mom move into a new nursing home for the day and night, but it’s the first time that they’ve been away from their children since Sofia was born, and Richie insist to make their time away free of all concerns. That is if they finally leave at least.

Stan kisses his daughter on the forehead holding her close for one last moment, before allowing Patty to hand her back into Richie’s awaiting arms.

It shocks Richie’s that baby’s are so small, though he knows logically that everyone was that small at one point or another, it’s one thing to know it, and another to actually see it.

‘Eddie is here too, so there’s two of them.’ Patty and Stan resort to a silent stand-off, holding a none spoken argument that Patty wins, if her smug smile is anything to go by.

‘There are also two children, so let’s hope they can handle both.’ Richie fake gasps, moving to hold his hand up in faux outrage, but stops when he is reminded of the, albeit barely there, weight of little Sofia, who is now fast asleep on his chest.

Knowing when to be serious, Richie lets his facade drop, Bowing down to catch Stan's eyes, before smiling reassuringly. ‘We got this Stan, trust me.’

Stan smiles back without a moment of hesitation,’ I know. If anything happens to be my babies, I’ll kill you in your sleep.’ The serious expression on his face enough to make Richie gulp, regardless of the fact that he knows Stan doesn’t mean it.

‘Copy that sir.’

‘Speaking of our two babies, where’s Emily?’ Patty demands, turning in a circle in search for her but not locating here.

‘I’m pretty sure she roped Eddie into dress up and having a tea party with her, so I think for the sake of Eddie’s sanity, we should leave now.’

The bolstering laugh from Richie is way too loud on the peaceful morning most of Stan’s neighbors are experiencing, but Patty joins him, so it’s not too bad. Suspiciously, Patty pauses right after to stare longingly at her daughter, her eyes becoming a little wet.

‘Alright, let’s go. Give Eddie my best.’ She hugs Sophia one last time, then turns away to sniffle and hide her tears, no doubt a little sad a the prospect of not seeing her girls. Richie moves to comfort her, but Stan is on the case, and he can do a much better job than Richie, no doubt in his mind.

Richie stands there uncomfortably, rocking baby Sofia back and forth, and staring at her sleeping face to avoid stalking the two lovers in front of him.

He only looks up when Stan loudly proclaims their leaving, ‘come on Babylove.’ Waving at Sophia likes she’s about to wave back. After, he carefully hugs Richie’s side, avoiding squashing Soph while also deeming his goodbye to Richie.

He too is reluctant to leave Sophia and Emily in the care of Eddie and Richie, but not because he doesn’t trust them, he just finds it hard to go anywhere without them.

They still leave regardless, after ten more minutes of saying goodbye, then they finally leave, turning the corner right as Eddie comes out of the house checking up on Richie to see what was taking him so long.

When Richie turns to face Eddie, he shrieks with laughter, not managing to contain himself. Patty’s old lipstick red dress that has holes in the sides of them and a little bit of dirt on one of the sleeves looks good on Eddie, even if Richie may be a bit biased and thinks everything looks fantastic when it’s Eddie that’s wearing it, but it’s the pink crown and staff that he’s holding, and the murderous leer he’s showing, that has Richie cackling like there’s no tomorrow.

‘Don’t you fucking dare, asshole.’ Eddie swears menacingly, but Richie can’t take him seriously, not when Emily scatters out of the house to tug on the bottom of the dress, the three year old herself slipped in the princess dress Eddie and Richie gave her as a present on her birthday a few weeks back. He bets Eddie didn’t expect it to backfire this way.

‘Uncle Eddie come on’, Emily whines, the three year old wearing an frozen Anna dress that is a tad too big on her, ‘The others are waiting on us.’

The other include, mister giraffe, Amika the horse, and Elsa, all in the form of stuffed animals gifted to her by various losers when they came to visit.

‘Yeah uncle Eds, it’s rude to keep the guest waiting you know.’ Richie eggs her on, smirking in delight when Eddie unsuspiciously flips him the bird, but follows Emily anyway, off to indulge her in whatever she requests him to do.

His laughter caused Sophia to wake up again, and she fuzzily bangs her tiny fist on Richie’s chest, as if to convey that she’s mad she was awoken. He tries to bounce her gently up and down, to et her settled again, then changes his mind and enters the house on a whim, trudging up the stairs to join Eddie and Emily in her playroom.

Getting close enough to the door to hear Emily’s voice does the trick, as he expected it to. Sophia calms down, now resorted to peeking up at her uncle, a gurgle escaping her throat while she fists around a piece of his hair, giggling happily.

Richie’s heart melts a little, while he gets hit with an enormous amount of love and affection, and he starts to understand why Patty and Stan were so begrudged to go anywhere without her.

Her blanket, the one she has on her at all times, is still pined safely to the front of her beanie, bunched up in the hand that is not pulling one of his curls. He catches a glimpse of Eddie, folded nearly completely in on himself, forced to sit still in a chair that is even too small for Emily to fit in properly, sipping on a tea cup but making 100 % sure the side of it doesn’t touch his bottom lip.

Emily simpers, lifting her own teacup to her mouth with a pinky stretched up as a greeting to him, chastising Eddie like he is the kid instead of her, when Eddie stretches upwards to grab a muffin.

Doing a poor job of hiding his laughter, Eddie takes notice of Richie staring at them from the door opening, at first looking vex, but then an emotion crosses his eyes that Richie can’t define. He shakes his head and focuses back on the table, but not fast enough to stop the sentiment from getting picked up by Richie.

‘Well, it looks they’re too busy for us right now. It’s just me and you then. Don’t give me that look bumper’, the nickname Richie duped her after finding out that her name was chosen after they saw it on a bumper sticker slipping out effortlessly, not with standing the arguments of Stan. ‘She can not find out about that Richie. I swear to god, I will keep you away from her long enough until I’ve convinced her that everything you say is a lie.’

‘I can be a good replacement dad for the day, just you wait and see.’

-------------------

Five hours later, when the clock strikes 3:15 pm, Richie struggles with the preparing the baby formula, and he can’t figure out what he is supposed to do. There is milk that needs to be added, but when he mixes the powder and the liquid with one another, a sticky, soup of residue is left behind, and that is impossible to taste good.

Embarrassingly, Richie resorts to researching the internet, clicking on video after video to find the same brand Patty and Stan use, to be absolutely assured that he’s doing the right thing. Then when it finally hits him over the head that it is supposed to look like that, he can’t get the temperature right.

The first time he puts it in the microwave he warms it so hot that he can’t even grasp the bottle in his hands, dropping it and staring at the milk that leaked all over the floor, cursing his life and every decision that has brought him up to that point.

The second one is still cold, and he briefly considers giving the baby cold milk, before he remembers Patty’s warnings and places it back in the microwave, when he takes it out, it’s hot enough to make him release a hiss.

He gets more and more frustrated, his emotions pilling on top of each other to leave one huge dump of distress that he can’t possibly take on too, not alongside two kids, and it only gets worse when Sophia has a fit and starts crying.

Richie’s earlier tricks to calm her down don’t work, not even after a few tries, so with a groan, he throws in the towel and yanks out his cellphone, feeling like a complete and utter failure.

‘Hey Richie, do you know where Stan and Patty keep their desserts? Sophia is craving something sweet and I used the opportunity to have myself a little break.’

Eddie pauses when he steps foot in the kitchen, hey eyebrows coming together to frown when he takes in the disheveled state Richie is in.

‘What’s wrong?’ Richie shakes his head uselessly, his shoulders shrugging helplessly while gesturing towards Sophia who is nestled against his shoulder, her cries muffled but still audible.

‘I don’t know how to prepare milk.’ Eddie has the audacity to snort, a sound that Richie has never heard coming from him, so he’s helpless to let out a small one himself.

‘Don’t laugh at me Eduardo, I’m in a deep crisis right now and I require your help.’ Walking closer, Eddie accept the bottle handed to him, the word ‘auch’ escaping from him at the warmth burning his palm.

‘My help? Why me?’ Eddie asks, shooting Richie a questioning look. A pink red sticker is hanging on his forehead, Richie then notices, but since Eddie is apparently blissfully unaware of it, Richie keeps it to himself.

‘Well Eds, I assume you have enough experience with babies, you know. Since you were treated like one your entire life?’ He winces when the words leave his mouth, his mind too preoccupied with Sophia to think twice about what he was about to speak in existence.

‘Fuck you, dude. And don’t call me Eds asshole.’ Luckily, Eddie waves the comment away with the tip of his hand, doing his signature move where he pretends to karate chop the air. ‘Come here, give her to me for a second.’ Eddie suggests, and Richie obliges, handing her over with extreme caution, even when she very willingly goes.

‘You’re uncle Rich is a bit of an idiot huh? How about we go and see how we can prepare your- well it’s not dinner yet, let’s say afternoon snack?’ Sophia quieted down as she got comfortable in Eddie’s arms, one of his arms beginning to prep the formula, again, during which the other held her up and close.

He then leaned in to whisper something in her ear, not loud enough for Richie to decipher what they were talking about, but it caused Eddie to gleam again, and even Sophia let out a big grin, happily going along with whatever her uncle Eddie was proclaiming.

The sight of a baby in Eddie’s arms, his eyes twinkling in pure adoration, his grin wide enough to show teeth, while he rocked her back and forth, made Richie want to beg Eddie to raise a child with him.

He dismissed the idea soon enough though, for if Eddie had a wish for kids, surely he would have said something by now. But he knows already that the image was going to haunt his dreams for a long time, the mesmerizing sight of what could be, or could have been did not plan on leaving his mind any time soon.

He must stare for a tad too long, Eddie feeling his gaze upon him so he glances up, their eyes meeting. Eddie opens his mouth to say something, but before he can he is interrupted by Emily, impatient from waiting too long or her cookie.

‘Uncle Eddie, what’s taking you so long?’ She complains, rolling her eyes when she notices that Eddie is holding her sister.

‘In a minute sweety, I’m just helping uncle Rich out right now.’ Having an excuse from being in Eddie’s proximity while he’s holding a baby, Richie jumps on the opportunity to get out. The fact that he missed his other niece aswell guides his decision too.

‘I’ll play dress up with you for a while Princess Ems.’ He bows down extravagantly, acting as if there is real royalty in front of him.

‘Don’t you want me to teach you how to prepare milk?’ Eddie summons, his voice edged with a tint of confusion at Richie’s sudden interest to leave.

‘You can teach me about that later Eds, she needs her drink three times a day.’ Richie reassures him, fiddling with his thumbs while he begs Eddie to let the subject drop.  

‘But uncle Eddie was so cool, all my friends wanted to meet him.’ Emily had yet to grow out of the phase where she us jealous of her little sister, so her whole argument isn’t about Eddie specifically, it’s about her not entertaining the idea of anyone giving her sister the light of day from who she demands it from.

But that’s alright. Richie is nothing if not persuasive.  ‘Aye, that’s true but they have yet to meet me’, Richie performs, making use of the pirates accent and langue he had to learn for an audition. Emily giggles in delight, easily swayed when it involved her uncle Richie, and even more so when it had to do with his voices.

‘And if they don’t wanna know a seadog like me, I’ll force those scallywags to walk the plank. Aye. Now let’s go, heave-ho upstairs so I can be introduced.’

Emily nods enthusiastically, practically running up the stairs two steps at a time, and Richie follows with just as much energy, yelling ‘aye’ or ‘are’, every so few seconds. In his haste, he is oblivious to the same longing look Eddie gives him, when he sees him interact with a child.

-----

It’s a long day, and Richie can feel the bone deep exhaustion creeping up on him when he eventually makes his way over to the couch, Eddie dozing on the rug with the baby monitor still in his hands.

It’s not even eleven pm yet, and Richie knows that Eddie would be more relaxed in a bed than the sofa, but he also knows that they’ll be awaken more than a few times during the night, so he lets Eddie sleep.

In the wardrobe in Stan and Patty’s living room, Richie discovers a blanket, big enough to cover both him and Eddie, so he takes it, vowing to wash it before they get home. It’s soft and fluffy, and perfect to sleep with, but as soon as he tucks it around Eddie, he shits up, all sleep vanished from his eyes.

He blinks up at Richie, shuffling closer to him while disposing of the baby phone on the ground next to were they are seated, and rearranging the quilt till every part of their bodies is covered with it.

Eddie’s head lays on Richie’s shoulder, while one of his arms rubs up and down his arm and shoulder, grabbing strands of his arm hair with him sometimes, which is just what Richie needs to stay awake, the small jolts of pain keep him on his toes. And that’s necessary, he discovers over the next minute.

Without facing Richie, Eddie drops a bombshell like he’s never done before, causing Richie to choke on his own spit. ‘I want to have a baby.’

I want to have a baby, I want to have a baby, I want to have a baby, the words play on repeat in his head, ricocheting of the walls and tumbling but sticking none the less, Richie brain turning into mind numbing fizz, absolutely no thoughts besides Eddie words formulating.

The coughing alerts Eddie, who sits up straighter, looking back Richie’s way with wide eyes, as he looks on on the natural disaster that is about to concur in front of him.

When his brain comes back online, mortifying is not even big enough a word to describe the shame Richie feels for his reaction, so, he resorts to what he always does; using humor as a blockage.  

‘Christ Eds, I don’t think that possible. You know, question of having the right body parts. It’s a shame really, me and your mom.-‘

‘Beep, Beep Richie.’ Eddie interrupts him strictly. ‘I need you to be honest. No jokes, just you.’ That’s a hard task, since it’s become second nature to Richie to use it as a defense mechanism, but for Eddie he’s willing to try.

‘And before you say anything, let me talk first’, Eddie insists, waiting till he gets an approving nod from Richie to continue. ‘Today, seeing you with Sophia and Emily, I realized that you’re so good with kids. And before today I honestly didn’t think I wanted children, but I guess that I didn’t want them with Myra, but I do want them with you. What do you think?’ Eddie prompts, trying to gauche Richie’s reaction, but even Eddie sometimes has trouble doing that, and now is one of those times.

Holding his breath nervously, not even Richie’s hand grabbing his is enough to calm him down, his fingers drumming against his upper leg.

‘I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you.’ Richie entrust Eddie, his body visibly relaxing when it’s clear that Richie is at the very least not going to yell at him for suggestion kids in the first place.

Their lips meet in the middle of Stan’s couch, the house around them eerily quite while the two of them are stuck in a haze together, blissfully unaware of what’s happening outside of their bubble. It’s a reassuring kiss, their lips lazily in sinc, neither in a rush, to help calm both of them down just a little, before diving head first into the deep shit again.

‘Are you sure you want to have kids with me? Because today I fucked up her stupid bottle. I mean, who can’t warm milk? And I don’t want you to hate me over something that I can’t do. I’m scared I’ll put all this weight on you and you’ll resent me for it, and I can’t have that, Eds, I can deal with everything else, but I can’t deal with you hating me.’ Richie proclaims, out of breath and sucking in large gulps of air.

Eddie pulls his face closer to his, both of his palms on either side of Richie’s head. ‘Listen to me dipshit, cause I’m only fucking saying this ones. You could murder someone in front of me, and I would roll with it okay? I came out and left my wife, and yeah, part of that was because of me, but I would have never understood what those feeling were if it weren’t for you. I love you Richie, and that’s never going to change no matter what.’ Eddie pauses, searching Richie eyes for confirmation that he understood. ‘Dipshit’, he added when he found it.

Richie let out a titter, one of his hands coming up to cover Eddie’s and leaning into the touch.

‘If you’re only worried about not knowing stuff to do with the kids, than I can help with that. That’s what a relationship is. I teach you things, and you teach me. Besides, there’s going to be a specific choir assignment, because there’s no fucking way I’m cleaning a baby’s diaper.’

‘Well then, Edward Francis Kaspbrak, it would be my honor to have a baby with you.’ Eddie’s face it up, through and through genuineness this time. No annoyance or irritation anywhere in sight, so of course, Richie had to change that.

‘Again, not biological because that would be impossible.’

‘Shut the fuck up asshole.’ Eddie grabbed a pillow to whack Richie full in the face, laughter pouring out of him when he accidentally knocked his glaces off.

‘Hey Eds, you might want to learn how to control that temper of yours, we wouldn’t want our beloved child to adapt the same words right?’

‘Seriously, I’ll fucking murder you if you don’t shut the fuck up.’

[malibuwinesafari]

Malibu Wine Safari – Unique Wine Tasting with Stanley the Giraffe!

Tucked away in the hills of Malibu lies a perfect spot for wine lovers called the Saddle Rock Ranch. Wine tasting in Los Angeles may not be the first thing that comes to mind when people plan their sunny so-cal vacations, but it’s an excellent activity for a break from the hustle and bustle of the city! The 1,000 acre property is home to lush vineyards with sweeping views of the Santa Monica Mountains and home to zebras, camels, alpacas, bison, and Stanley the Giraffe. Stanley is a regular retired superstar, retreating to the hills for a life of luxury and seclusion with feedings from his adoring fans. Myself included!

The experience at the Malibu Zoo and Winery Safaris begins with a quick registration on an iPad so you can confirm your tour and receive the proper wristband. Afterwards you are lead outside where your guide will come and whisk you away in a custom-built and super cute open-air Safari vehicle. Along the tour your driver will give you an animated history of the ranch and the Semler family as well as the animals that live there. I like to think of the Malibu Wine Safari as an adult petting zoo. The wine tastings happen in between feedings, and each guest has the opportunity try six different local wines over the course of the safari. The sprawling vineyard contains some 80,000 vines growing grapes for producing everything from moscato to sauvignon blanc.

The feedings began before the wine got flowing with a stop to visit the llamas. Each of us were given carrots to offer our newfound furry friends. Afterwards we walked over to the Zebras, which we were encouraged to feed but advised not to pet. We also encountered some horses and water buffalos before we made our way to visit Stanley. Most people discover Stanley by way of the ‘gram (he has over 30,000 followers and counting,) but those who have seen the Hangover 3 will be sure to recognize him as well. After the grand finale with Stanley guests are offered an opportunity to wander a bit for photos, or enjoy some crackers and a trio of tapenades accompanying the final round of wines.

Stanley is not visited on their regular explorer tours because they want him to stay healthy and avoid overfeeding, so make sure to be specific when booking your tour. The Explorer Giraffe Safari is $95 per person and lasts about 105 minutes. Tours do leave at their scheduled departure time, so make sure you arrive early! The staff recommends arriving at least 30 minutes beforehand. I strongly suggest taking traffic into account if you’ll be coming directly from Los Angeles. Don’t forget your state ID or driver’s license since the law requires that guests be 21 and over to drink! A passport will also suffice if you’re coming from another country.

[artificialqueens]

(Treat me nice) Never let me go, 12/15 (Branjie) - Pinkgrapefruit

[ chapter 12. they say that the world was built for two ]

They end up in a big park, laying on a picnic blanket and watching the clouds go by. There aren’t many, but the few there are have fun interpretations. Vanessa is briefly convinced that one looks like a giraffe, but after much jibing from Brooke, they come to the conclusion that maybe it’s just a big tree.

Vanessa unpacks the spread they’d gotten from the hotel kitchen as Brooke fiddles with the little wireless radio she apparently just always keeps in her suitcase. This fact had caused Vanessa to laugh for a solid five minutes when Brooke had put it in the picnic basket.

[ pretty woman au ]

A/N - hope you enjoy! not long left now <3

They’re dancing - or at least trying to dance. The clock hand has just made it’s way past ten, and Vanessa’s head rests gently on Brooke’s chest as she sways them around in a rudimentary waltz. Their bodies are pressed together in a way that sparks warmth down past Vanessa’s navel and it only makes her push closer to Brooke’s tall form. The blonde has one warm hand pressed against the small of Vanessa’s back and the brunette mewls softly at the ministrations of Brooke’s fingers. She places an open mouth kiss on Brooke’s exposed clavicle and goes back to the mindless swaying.

They’d been trying to recreate a more dramatic dance, but the day they’d had, filled with nothing much, had left them exhausted to the point of just swaying together.

“We should finish this tomorrow,” Brooke whispers into the loose waves of Vanessa’s hair as if ‘this’ was anything at all. Vanessa mumbles in response, causing Brooke to scoop her into her arms and carry her across the room to the bed. She’s dressed only in one of Brooke’s large white shirts, buttoned over a pair of black panties, and it exposes the lengths of Vanessa’s legs.

“31 inches of therapy,” Brooke mumbles to herself in a half-joke as she unbuttons the shirt. She takes off her own (better fitting) shirt and shifts, so she is under the covers, Vanessa’s head on her chest.

“G'night, Ness,” she whispers, but the brunette is already softly snoring. She presses a kiss to her forehead and tries to sleep herself.

*

Brooke wakes naturally with the rising sun, but she still enjoys Vanessa clinging to her like an oversized koala. They didn’t shut the curtains, so the Sun illuminates the brunette in a golden light making her look almost ethereal. She stretches like a cat, eyes screwed shut as Brooke giggles to herself.

“Morning, sunshine,” she quips, and Vanessa frowns, eyes still closed.

“Shut up,” she says, voice hoarse in the morning. She snuggles back against Brooke’s side and sighs deeply. “It’s such a nice day,” she tells her and then, opening her eyes to peek up at Brooke’s face, “can you not go to work?”

Brooke lets out a throaty chuckle and sets down the email she’d been working on. “Me?” She asks jokingly. “Not work?” Then she softens. “I do own the company, and it is a nice day.” She points out, and Vanessa nods lazily against her chest.

She sighs and tries to make it sound begrudging, but even then there is a lightness to it. “I’ll email Ru.”

*

They end up in a big park, laying on a picnic blanket and watching the clouds go by. There aren’t many, but the few there are have fun interpretations. Vanessa is briefly convinced that one looks like a giraffe, but after much jibing from Brooke, they come to the conclusion that maybe it’s just a big tree.

Vanessa unpacks the spread they’d gotten from the hotel kitchen as Brooke fiddles with the little wireless radio she apparently just always keeps in her suitcase. This fact had caused Vanessa to laugh for a solid five minutes when Brooke had put it in the picnic basket.

When it switches onto ‘What the Folk’, Vanessa erupts into another fit of laughter, head falling back onto Brooke’s lap - hair in a halo around her.

They eat strawberries with the juices running down their wrists, sticky and saccharine sweet.

The sun warms their cheeks just enough to alert the freckles on Brooke’s nose that blush a copper tone. Vanessa traces them with a warm finger, light and airy.

When the sun starts to fall from its peak in the sky, they’re laying on the plaid blanket. Vanessa is on her back, eyes closed peacefully while Brooke is propped up on her elbows, quietly reading “Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief”, putting on different voices to imitate the Minotaur. Vanessa snorts.

She sits up so quickly Brooke thinks the world might be on fire - the brunette looking around frantically until she spots what she heard.

A baby.

She stands quickly, brushing off her little summer dress and paddling her toes into the grass before running over to the pram.

Brooke just watches, eyes wide and full of mirth as Vanessa coos over the baby. She can’t see it, but she can see Vanessa’s face and it makes her cheeks hurt.

Vanessa pads back over a few minutes later, falling back onto the blanket with a harumph. She turns her head, so she can see Brooke and smiles serenely.

“God, it was so cute, Brooke,” she exhales, going back to watching the way the clouds move. “I want a baby.”

Brooke snorts, eyes widening. “I’m afraid I can’t help you with that,” she quips, making a vague gesture to her lack of a penis and Vanessa giggles.

*

At about three, when Vanessa’s legs are a pleasant shade of pink and the back of Brooke’s neck is dripping beads of sweat, they head to a nearby coffee shop. They pick a table outside - with wire chairs that will leave indents in Vanessa’s bare thighs, but the table is shaded and not indoors and stuffy, so it’s a win. They order iced coffees and let the condensation roll down their fingers.

They feed each other macaroons and watch the people stroll down the street in their shorts and t-shirts, rolling their eyes at the occasional shirtless men.

By the time they think about dinner, Vanessa is sleepy from the sun so Brooke calls for the car and the brunette curls into her side. Brooke smiles, soft and sweet and the kind that is entirely private.

Vanessa perks up again as they near Olympic and taps at Brooke’s arm to get her attention.

“What’s with you? You’re fidgeting. What’s wrong?” She asks, eyebrows scrunched as she looks quizzically at Vanessa.

“Um,” She shifts uncomfortably, “there’s a club up here that I’d like to stop at for a second to see my roommate if that’s okay?” Brooke hasn’t seen her this uncomfortable in days.

“Absolutely,” she replies, smiling, trying to reassure.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Darryl, can you just pull up into the back alleyway please?” The driver, Darryl, looks bemused in the mirror.

“Trixie’s?” He asks, tone vaguely joking.

“Trixie’s,” Brooke affirms.

“Very colourful life you lead,” he quips.

Vanessa leans into Brooke, pushing a chaste kiss onto her cheek. “I just wanna run in for a minute and see if she’s there, so you just stay here,” she tells her before she jumps out of the cab and runs into the club.

“I’m hoping they don’t spot this limousine as it is,” Brooke mutters, and Darryl sticks his head around the chair and smiles at her.

“I’ll block it with my body,” he sighs and she believes him.

*

Katya spots her the second she steps through the door and it doesn’t surprise Vanessa - she’s pretty sure she looks out of place in her dainty summer dress and kitten heels. Katya is dressed in fishnets, shorts, and a red lace bralette.

“Ness! You’re looking good! You win the lottery?” Katya jokes, swinging an arm around Vanessa’s neck and pressing her red lips against her cheek. “Me and Trix have missed you round here!”

Vanessa smiles at her and it’s genuine. She hates that she feels out of place in the place that used to be her home. “Hey, Kat, have you seen Silk?” She asks, voice soft.

“No, not since Tuesday,” Katya replies with her eyebrows quirked.

They wander over to the bar which has Trixie leaning against it - tea towel thrown over her pink crop top. “Heya, hunnie,” she says with her eyes crinkled and warm. Her southern twang always makes Vanessa feel warm.

“You seen Silk?” Vanessa asks earnestly.

“I think she went to Santa Barbara,” Trixie tells her with her teeth pressed into her bottom lip.

Vanessa grins at the information. “Brilliant!” She announces enthusiastically, waving a hand when Trixie tries to offer her a tequila shot. “Here’s my number where I’m gonna be for the rest of the week. Have her call me, okay?”

“Okay, hunnie,” Trixie tells her with a motherly pat on the shoulder, and Vanessa beams at her because there aren’t enough words to say what Trixie and Katya have done for her.

She steps out of the club feeling fulfilled, but immediately reaches a scene of Brooke and Darryl standing outside the Limo with a kid in a bandanna.

“What’s going on out here?” She asks, a lot more jovial than the situation asks for.

Brooke scowls at her amusement. “I don’t know. You left and all of a sudden I’m in the middle of ‘West Side Story’,” she quips, and it makes Vanessa chuckle.

The kid in the bandanna turns and Vanessa sees it’s one of the ones who run up and down the street stealing the girls’ money. He looks at the envelope she’d been meaning to give to Silky and smirks. “I think you owe me some money, baby,” he tells her and she goes against Brooke’s violent head shaking by just raising her eyebrow.

She holds up the envelope. “Two hundred dollars,” she tells him, and he eyes it carefully. She knows she’s scrappy, but she also lost her acrylic nails, so she’s a little less confident in her ability to take this dude if he fucks with her.

“Don’t you got school tomorrow?” She asks mockingly and he makes a noise close to a hiss.

“Let’s just leave,” Brooke tries to say calmly, but she’s clearly never been mugged by a teen with a knife before because her voice shakes.

“You ain’t goin’ no place,” the kid tells them.

“Hey-”

“You’re outta your neighbourhood. This ain’t no Beverly Hills!” Vanessa almost laughs, but she catches herself. This is more real than she thought.

“He has a knife,” Brooke mutters to Darryl and he places his hand in the inside pocket of his jacket.

“All right, okay,” Darryl steps up and his size appears to intimidate the kid slightly. “This is what’s going to happen. You believe she owes you money?”

“That’s right.”

“Why?”

“‘Cause this is my block.”

“His block?” Brooke asks, and she still can’t keep her voice smooth. Vanessa looks at her like you look at a sad puppy.

“He’s a drug dealer and a mugger. It has to do with Silky,” Vanessa clears up.

The kid doesn’t seem happy with the conversation going on in the middle of his mugging, so he raises his knife again prompting Darryl to pull the small handgun from his left pocket.

The kid runs and Brooke collapses against the car.

“Damn, Darryl,” Vanessa quips, eyes shocked, but still entertained. She rubs a soothing hand on Brooke’s back as the woman catches her breath. For someone who has been around criminals before she’s panicking like someone who’s never been at odds with a knife. Vanessa supposes she might not have been.

“I have a license, don’t worry,” Darryl tells her, putting the safety back on the gun and placing it securely back in his pocket.

Once they’re comfortably back in the car, Vanessa lets her head fall on Brooke’s shoulder again.

“Does Darryl always carry a gun?” She asks, and Brooke intertwines their fingers.

“When he drives me, yes, always.”

*

Vanessa steps into the bedroom as Brooke naps. They both ate their dinner in robes and then Vanessa watched “Beauty and the Beast” while Brooke disappeared to the bedroom and never returned.

“She sleeps,” she quips as Brooke shifts, eyes fluttering open and a lazy smile trailing across her face.

“Well we all have our issues,” Brooke rebukes, and Vanessa moves across the room to sit with her on the bed. With Vanessa sat up, Brooke places her head on her lap and lets Vanessa card her fingers through her hair.

Brooke mocks snoring and it makes Vanessa chuckle, slowing her hand movements.

They end up looking into each other’s eyes for a little too long, and maybe it’s because they were frightened with the mugging or maybe the day just made them vulnerable, but they find themselves leaning in before they can stop themselves.

Their lips meet soft and slow - open-mouthed. It sets butterflies loose in Vanessa’s belly, warming her from the inside as she deepens it.

Brooke finally lets her go, pecking her on the nose with a shallow exhale. Her heart is pounding and it rattles in her ribcage.

Later, when she thinks Vanessa is asleep, she whispers ‘I love you’.

If Vanessa hears, she doesn’t make a sound.

[ara-macao-cyanopterus]

Fucking nobody cares about Planet Zoo, but I want notes for myself for how I beat the last two Career levels (in case I want to go back and beat them on Hard Mode for the achievement trophy or something).

The Last Leg.

This one wasn’t particularly difficult, it just took forever and I kind of screwed it up. Some things I wish I had known from the beginning:

1. Space isn’t that much of an issue, don’t freak out too much.

2. That African habitat is going to be fucking awful. Dedicated keeper, dedicated keeper hut, make it as big as possible from the get-go.

3. Grassland species stress effing sucks. Don’t do an overhead walkway (bonus for Africa: eventually, giraffe), put in limited ground-level viewpoints, research one-way glass.

4. Vet research vet research vet research. As soon as you can financially, stick in an army of research centres and high-level vets.

5. Crowd control was a real issue. Plan ahead. Wide paths, put the guests above (for everything except the two grassland habitats) and staff below.

6. That 5-star animal thing effing sucked. Check periodically before gold level just in case (and then send to the trade centre immediately so they don’t die!), then just be prepared to wait it out. I have no insight into what makes a 5-star animal, other than that they tended to be elderly ones that I got earlier in the game (except for that gemsbok, wth). I got some 4-star exhibit species, but no 5, but then again I only had a fully-researched exhibit species for like 6 months out of 12 years, so.

7. Invest in good quality animals early on. Yes, yes, I know, things are expensive blah blah. My springboks kept dying on me (and the market in finicky, you can go years without seeing certain animals for sale), and you really do have to plan ahead for that 5-star thing, given that it seems to be tied at least in part to the length of time the animal’s spent in the zoo.

Bailing Out.

Uggggggggggggh. This level is lucky that it’s so pretty, because otherwise it sucked. IT SUCKED SO MUCH.

1. SELL EVERYTHING. The time I finally won, I sold all exhibits, all sellable shops except for the western cluster, all ATMs, all education facilities, all bits of track, and most of the staff facilities (except the staff rooms). I sold most of the power facilities, though it turns out that untreated water and broken-down toilets make guests sad, so sadly you’re going to need to replace most of them essentially immediately, though do move them around, because their starting placement is very weird.

2. Guests don’t buy hats until the very end. I don’t know why. I should have just shut that shop.

3. Optimise your keepers’ experience. Start with one corner of the zoo and slowly work your way out, putting keeper huts everywhere as needed.

4. Fucking check fence height, self, wth.

5. START SLOW. Start so slow. I literally just had peacocks (with hopes of the vet researching quickly, snicker) until the timber wolves appeared, and then I just had timber wolves and peacocks, for I think the first 5 years. Yes, you’ll have a lot of money. Don’t spend it. You’ll need it. Because of this horrendous layout, it will be a very long time before you make profit, and you want to avoid taking that loan.

6. The order I did things was peacocks, then wolves, then the giant herbivore habitat, and then I used conservation credits to buy the things that I eventually knew would be coming into the SE corner (red panda, Chinese pangolin, Himalayan bear). I know everyone says not to do this, but I needed the income and zoo reputation while still keeping my guests contained, and I knew that if I bought them with CC I could always just swap them out when the time came. The Siberian tiger and Nile monitor came WAY later, because nobody wants to deal with that NE corner.

7. Don’t be afraid to build new habitats. Yes, yes, I know, I know, everyone says not to, but too bad. The terrain here SUCKS, but I put a walk-in tortoise habitat way to the south (putting them with the pangolins probably technically works, but keeping them separate seemed better), the panda where the guide says to put the bear (below the Bengal tiger), and the bear where the guide says to put a second red panda (which I don’t get -- the red panda habitat is plenty big enough for a breeding pair plus a baby?). There’s a bunch of park space to the north where new habitats could totally go, but I used those for creative placement of utilities (floating in the air and elaborately decorated), and I was too lazy to move things around.

8. If you move too many things around, your keepers will do that instead of feeding your animals. Whoops. Sorry, Nile monitors.

9. Nobody used my transit ride until I figured out that it needs to be efficient (delete all pieces of track, then do your best slash use autocomplete). Also, one of my stations kept breaking down no matter how many mechanics I sent, so I eventually deleted it, and that seemed to work.

10. I had to spend a lot of time zooming my caretakers around to clean up litter. This zoo is just too big. Probably work zones would have helped, but eh.

11. Schedule mechanic visits to habitats and utilities as often as you can (once every 1-3 months if the game will let you). Everything breaking down was so super annoying!

12. On one of my failed attempts I tried making liberal use of exhibits, which was a wonderful CC generator, but didn’t bring in the cash I needed. And on the run that finally got me gold, I forgot to add them until a point where I was rolling in CC and money and literally my only problem was managing staff, and exhibits wouldn’t have helped with that. I now have gold in the entirety of career mode (although only on Medium thus far), and I still don’t know how to use exhibits effectively. Other than Titan Beetle mild amusement.

13. Security cameras everywhere. My guest happiness was always so low compared with other zoos, and I have no idea why, but pickpockets seemed to be part of it? (On the other hand, besides a handful of vandalised signs over a decade, I had very little problem with crime in the Goodwin Memorial Park zoo. I don’t get it.)

14. People say not to promote your staff. I don’t get that one. Promote your staff? Maybe not too much at the beginning, other than the vets and maybe your mechanics, but occasionally I would go through and promote everyone with a ‘high’ workload.

[weterali]

Thank you for thinking of me, @brujahinaskirt! 

I’ll use this as the music tag from @radio-chatter, too, since it got out of hands. Also definitely tagging you, if you feel like it! 

Nickname: Ali

Zodiac: horse dude with a bow

Height: 5′3

Hogwarts House: I wear the shirts of them all, to confuse my enemies.

Last thing I googled: tsefalen 1000mg

Song stuck in my head: Sera Was Never (DA: Inquisition), Three Ravens, Here’s a Health to the Company (AC: Black Flag), Underground (Austin Wintory). Yes, I randomly sing them. Also Carmen - Habanera. I definitely don’t sing that one though. Too hardcore.

Number of followers: 153

Amount of sleep: not enough

Lucky number: NO I do not trust them

Dream job: I cannot help but wish I didn’t have to work at all.

Wearing: job uniform (might be the reason for the answer above), a white shirt with giraffe and blue sweatpants

Favorite song:

Sound of Silence (Simon & Garfunkel) - since I can remember, forever and ever. soft smiles as well as tears. always there

My Silver Lining (First Aid Kit) - driving, fields everywhere, sunset, joy, this turn is MINE

May I Stand Unshaken - those cowboy fuckers ruined my life but at least the heart breaking had some good music in the background

Zítra ráno v pět (Nohavica) - sitting on the stairs, watching the stars, a long shift and one cigarette, what the hell, I don’t even smoke but this one just calls for it

Carry Me Back Home (Blues Saraceno) - trying to figure out the tones, facing the limits of my singing, also watching the trains pass me by

Mezi horami (Čechomor) – softly singing, laughing randomly at the morbidity of it all, standing in the hallway and working with the echoes

Take me to Church (Hozier) - this is it. gonna run somewhere to Peru to have a fucking llama farm. need to learn Spanish. also knitting. those llamas will have ponchos. with hoodies. (just one more year. hold on.)

The Humming (Enya) - I can’t sleep again. I want to create something soft. Typing in the middle of the night, feeling nothing but love. “The characters are safe as long as I listen to this. You might even get a hug or some rest. Exactly what I need right now.”

Home (Mumford & Sons) – dark small room and three candles. Me on the chair and my friend on her bed, talking. teenage years, “I’ve never heard that song before – only when someone is calling you. you have it as a ringtone for like, 4 years!” The best friend. Gone now. the ringtone and the friend.

Brothers in Arms (Dire Straits) – sitting on the floor of the living room, a small kid, quiet. Dad sleeping on the couch. Open balcony door, hot weather outside, alone, no, lonely already. The beginning of understanding what it feels like. and yet, calm.

Short Change Hero (The Heavy) – bike trips, badminton playing, “there should be a fucking achievement trophy for what I just did” - “for a few feathers, that bloody thing can leave a bruise alright”

New Slang (The Shins) – traveling to school after one shift and just before the next one, breathing deeply, still having no idea what the fuck am I even doing

Aesthetic: gently scribbled pencil notes, lots of question marks, open windows, old books, cartoon mugs, sweaters, sunglasses, shit-eating grin, incredibly old and ragged shoes, rasta bracelets, the simplest outfits ever, dog treats in every pocket, pens and journals, sunflowers, bonsais, postcards, birds feeding, photos and letters, homemade milkshakes, soda cans, antique furniture, candles, dreamcatchers, papers and notes scattered around

Favorite author: Mario Puzo, Gerald Durrell, John Steinbeck, F. M. Dostoyevsky, Agatha Christie, Guy de Maupassant

Favorite animal noise: a dog’s yawn and the soft “maauuu??” coming after that. dogs grumbling, complaining good-naturedly. cats and their “mlem”. little birds and them whispering you all the secrets in your ear

Random: I remember like 4 random historical dates and they all have, at some point in my life, saved my exam. I would rather die than eat a water melon. I’ve been practicing loud whistling for 8 months. I enjoy watching birds and commenting like a sports moderator on their fights and drama.

[multi-fandomgoddess]

Zoo Date - CNCO

Request: Zoo date w/ the boys - @nyxjai

A/N: This was a super cute request and fun to write and I wanna thank these wonderful ladies for helping me! :)

@damnthoseyes @soyunalocagreek @5secondsofapermanentvacation

----------------

Chris

Wakes you up super early because he's excited to go

“Preciosa wake uppp, we have to get ready to go to the zoo”

Definitely tries to feed all the animals

*Does that one laugh* “Look at it’s butt”

Films the whole time

Stops at like every stand and buys food, even if he just bought some

Gets lost

And you lowkey freak out because you turned your head for one second and then he was gone

getting paged over the PA system

“Y/N Y/L/N, please come to the entrance of the zoo”

Groaning because you know Chris has something to do with it

“Chris what did you do now?”

“Nothing! I just got lost and couldn't find you”

“I turned around for one second! How did you get lost?”

“I wanted to go look at the monkeys”

Rolling your eyes but smiling because he's such a dork

But he was your dork and you wouldn’t trade him for the world

Erick

Makes jokes the whole time

Gets really excited to see the penguins

And the lions

And the zebras

Okay he gets excited about all the animals

Would 100% buy one of the zoo shirts from the gift shop

Thoroughly enjoys the churros

Stays at one enclosure until the animals do something funny 

Does this for every enclosure

Which in turn causes you to stay the whole day

“Erick come on, we’ve been here all day”

“Wait, they’re gonna do something interesting hold on”

“No, babe, the zoo is closing, we HAVE to leave”

Pouting that he has to leave but happy that he got to spend the entire day with you

Zabdiel

Holding hands the entire time

Takes a picture of you and your favorite animal

Casually just walking around, enjoying your company

Would buy you guys matching animal hats

Would also buy you a stuffed animal from the gift shop

Cute selfies

Would give you a piggyback ride at least once because you said your feet hurt

Just being super cute the whole time

Watching you get excited over the animals *cue heart eyes*

“Why are you staring? Do I have something in my teeth?”

“No, princesa, you’re just adorable”

*Points at the giraffes* “Look Zabdi, it’s you.”

Ending the day by getting ice cream together

Richard

Would definitely bring Aaliyah 

A cute zoo day with both his favorite girls? Hell yes

He also thought it would be a good way for you and Aaliyah to bond

Both of you holding one of Aaliyah’s hands and doing the “1, 2, 3, swing” thingy

People telling you guys that you're an adorable family

Getting ice cream

Riding the carousel 

Richard sneaking cute photos of you and Aaliyah

“Hey Y/N,” *Points to a monkey* “It’s you”

Cue Aaliyah saying, “No! Ella es bonita!”

Feeding the giraffes together

Richard letting Aaliyah sit on his shoulders 

Buying Aaliyah the biggest stuffed animal the gift shop has

Getting you and him matching shirts

Both you and Aaliyah falling asleep on the way home

Joel

Holds your hand a lot 

Gets embarrassed when he sees two animals getting it on

“Hey what are they- OH NO!”

Laughing at how red his face gets

One of the monkeys trying to reach through the barrier to grab his bandana

Eating a lot of popcorn

Throwing popcorn at each other 

Wants literally everything from the gift shop

He also wants all the animals

“I want one, Y/N”

“Joel you can’t just get an elephant.”

To make up for not being able to buy an actual elephant, you buy him an elephant figurine 

Him wanting to touch the snakes

“Joel you bETTER NOT TOUCH THAT SNAKE”

Taking aesthetic photos with him

All around having such a good time, and not wanting the day to end

[sassysweetstories]

My Everything

Request: “Can you do an imagine with SHAWN MENDES where you are a famous model/singer/actress and you guys have been together for a while and had a daughter who’s only 3 names Nala and yeah you can choose from there XXX My names alana btw xoxox”

Ship: Shawn Mendes x Fem!Reader

Warnings: swearing, minor kissing, PURE FLUFF, etc. 

Notes: none of these gifs are mine, credit to owners. 

Tagged in all: @bailey-hoover @kiralivelove @thalia-prior-of-ravenclaw@anamcg317 @bellasett @queentiffanyyy @archer-whovian-violinist @beingmadinwonderland @princessisabelle19 @violence-and-velvet

Third P.O.V

[A few years ago]

Shawn sits to watch the blooper reals from his favorite movie of his favorite person, (Y/n) (Y/L/N). Wrapped like a burrito, he smiles when the gorgeous woman comes on the screen, looking nothing but angelic. How could one person look that beautiful? He thought to himself before smiling and giggling softly at the dialogue. The multifaceted angel started saying her line before coming to stop and cussing under breath. “Listen Jessica, you have the charisma of pen- so y-you caaaann fuck me. That’s not my line. Ugh, fuck me. Don’t fuck me but like fuck me.” The crew behind the camera burst out laughing along with the other actors. The video switches to another scene that he knew by memory since he’d watched it so many times. The scene starts off normally, a fighting one in which she runs from a guard but this time runs directly into a cardboard wall, smashing right through it. 

All everyone can hear is a faint cackle from (Y/n) as she pulls herself from the rubble, wiping off the dust that covers the entirety of her body before saying, “And that’s why you don’t cocaine.” The crew and other actors are doubled over laughing so hard their faces are redder than the tomato’s Shawn absolutely despises. “Oh my god, I’m too old for this shit. I’m gonna break something, hahaha.” She says with a smile, trying hopelessly to not laugh before bubbling over while Shawn burst out damn near to tears. Though he’s seen the clip a thousand times at least, it never ceases to put a smile on his face. The next scene is one from one of her recent works where her characters girlfriend is trying to seduce her. (Y/n) turns over her shoulder to see the actress dressed in lingerie, gawking as she was suppose to before her girlfriend sauntered upstairs. 

Quickly, (Y/n) got up from her chair and ran after her but in doing so, landed right on the floor before collapsing in another room. The crew is laughing so hard, they can barely contain themselves. “Ya know, for some long ass, giraffe legs I’ve been blessed with, you’d think they’d be more durable and sturdy. Ouch, I think I broke my ass cheeks.” Shawn burst out laughing, mimicking the giggles from the video. The bloopers continue until they run completely out. He makes his way over to Instagram and helplessly smiles at the first photo that pops up on his feed. (Y/n)’s in a beautiful gown that makes her look like a queen, one that nobody dare upset. Her strong gaze is powerful and terrifying, nonetheless. The next photo in the slide is an angle where she’s caught laughing and Shawn’s heart nearly falls. God, that smile is so beautiful. He likes the picture before looking at the next recent post. She’s with her best friend singing a familiar song. It takes him a minute to registrar that it’s his. 

Sitting up with a jolt, he grins like a kid on Christmas before pulling his legs up to his chest to listen closely. “OH MY GOD, THIS IS MY FAVORITE SONG!” She screams before bopping back and forth with her best friend who giggles in delight. “THERE’S NOTHING HOLDING ME BACK!” They sing in unison. God, she’s a model, an actress and, a singer. What can’t this woman do? God, I’d do anything to meet her.. He watches them until the video ends and opts to watch it another time before his phone rings, pulling him away with a groan. “Hey Shawn,-” It’s Andrew, his manager. “I’ve got a new big thing for you.” Shawn loves Andrew but he was worried nonetheless. He hadn’t really wanted to do another shitty interview with another shitty person but forced himself to listen to the man. “You told me you wanted to get more into the acting industry so I found you a part. It’s an action, spy movie starring, wait for it-” He pauses before saying, “(Y/n) (Y/L/N) as your love interest!!” Oh. My. God. God is real. 

Your P.O.V

[A few years later]

“Welcome to the show, (Y/n)!” Ellen says with a big smile as I sit across from her with a grin. “I’m so honored to be here! Thank you so much for having me.” She glanced down at her card before saying, “So, let me get this straight- You’re a full time model, a full time actress, whom by the way, is in not one, but two upcoming movies. A full time singer and has another album out AND not only that a full time mom. CONGRATULATIONS!” The crowd applauded loudly and I can’t help but rub my neck and blush at my accomplishments before saying, “Yeah, I haven’t slept in days.” Both her and the crowd laugh as I slouch a little to show how tired I am before I sit back up. “AND you’re married to Shawn Mendes, whom is a downright sweetheart and is also putting out his newest album as well!!” A picture shows up of him and when I look, I feel my heart swoon. “You alright, (Y/n)?” I blush and shake my head. 

“Honestly. I’m just so smitten. I just love him so much.” Both Ellen and the crowd awe at my cute and corny behavior, making me even more red. “You guys are just too cute. But speaking of cute, your daughter Nala is so precious.” I turn over my shoulder to see my baby-girl grinning from cheek to cheek. She looks so much like me it’s crazy. “So tell us about her?” Ellen asks with a smile. “She’s so adorable. She actually has the most beautiful, big (Y/E/C) eyes and she knows it, uses it to her advantage. Since she’s been born, we’ve actually scheduled everything so that we’re always together, ya know both looking after her which is not good sometimes. If I say no to her, she’ll go right to Shawn. And I swear to god, she has him whipped.” 

The crowd awes and laugh all in a span of a few seconds. “That’s so cute.” Ellen says before I continue. “Yeah, I remember this one time she asked me if she could have another cookie and I was like, “No, sweetheart. One is enough, okay?” And she nodded as if she understood before walking into Shawn’s office-” I pause as the audience laughs. “Some of you are ahead of me it seems. So she goes up to Shawn and bats her big (Y/E/C) eyes and he’s smitten. He will do anything for her at the drop of a pin.” Ellen giggles at the story, clutching her stomach as I continue. “And later that night, I caught them having milk with cookies. I sent Nala to bed and I pulled Shawn aside and was like, “What are you going? We can’t let her eat all the cookies in the house?” And he like looked down and then gave me his puppy dog stare. And I’m a sucker for brown eyes. And he says, “But hun, I can’t say no to her. You two look so similar and I never say no to you. It’d be wrong.” I just shook my head and went, “Damn. Our daughter has you whipped.” 

Ellen took my hand with a smile. “That’s absolutely adorable. But I also can’t get over your wedding. Your anniversary is coming up though, right? But it’s more than that. He proposed to you and then you proposed to him, is that right?!” Hand still attached to hers, I cover my face, laughing. “Yeah, actually. Um, funny story. So, he proposed to me and it was incredible and perfect and romantic and everything a girl could dream of and I thought, it’s not fair that he doesn’t get a moment like that, ya know? So a few weeks later, I told him, “Hey, let’s have a big cool, very dressed up party!” And of course he was on board but I called some of his best friends and I told them about the plan and told them to take him out for the day so that I could decorate the house and everything. I got my friends involved and prior to the actual party, I bought a gorgeous ring for him and I was going to propose to him that night.” 

The crowd awed again. “So, I called all of our closest friends and family from all over. Our managers, cousins, the whole nine yard. And then, halfway through the party, I pulled Geoff, one of Shawn’s friends aside and was like, “It’s go time.” I grabbed everybody’s attention and my heart was like in my chest-” Ellen smile went wider. “We actually have the video!” I put my hands up to my face, watching closely as my video self begun to speak. “I’d like to thank you all for coming here! Many of you traveled a very long distance and for that I am forever great-ful. But tonight is so much more to me than a party. Many of you know that I am engaged to this angel of a man and after Shawn proposed, I thought more about marriage than ever before. And I don’t think I tell you enough-” My video self says as I look up at Shawn. “But I love you more than anyone in the universe. I never thought that I would find someone as perfect as you, someone who makes me laugh as hard as you do and forget about the bad. 

“When I’m with you, everything just stops around us and you’re the only person I see. The love I have for you is so much better than the movies I use to binge all the time as a kid. You bring out the best in me and make me a better person everyday. God, I love you so much it hurts. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to grow old with you. Laugh until my stomach hurt and I can barely breath with you. You are my everything. And not long after you proposed to me, I wanted you to be with the people that love you just as much as I do, feel the love I felt. So-” My video self gets down on her knees, heels and all. Shawn covers his mouth the way girls usually do when it comes to proposals, crying openly. The hundreds of cameras get it and it takes everything in me to not cry again at the memory. “Will you, Shawn Peter Raul Mendes, marry me?” He nods before shouting yes and then swooping me up in his arms with a thousand kisses. The crowd awes and some even cries at the video. 

“That is just the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. Are you two even real? You’re whole family is perfect and adorable and as people tell me, legit goals.” Ellen raves again before saying “Since were speaking of couples. Why don’t we bring out the rest of the family?!” Before she could even finish, Nala ran out from behind stage and jumped into my arms, screaming. “MOMMY!” I can’t help but giggle and kiss her head before sitting back down. “Mommy, daddies waiting for you. He told me to tell you look bootyful.” The crowd laughs at her adorable voice. She gets off my legs and walks a few inches over to Ellen before taking her hand and pecking her fist. “It’s n-nice to meet you Mrs. Deverous.” She returns to my lap, smiling at the crowd before waving at Ellen. I giggle at the interaction before kissing her head softly. “You too look so much alike! Do you get that a lot?” She asks and before I can finish Nala is already talking. 

“Y-Yeah, we du get that a lot but we’re both angels as daddy likes to tewl us. Can daddy come out?” Ellen nodded to her question. “Of course! Shawn Mendes, everyone!” Nala jumps off my lap and runs over to where Shawn entering, screaming. “DADDY!!” He squats before wrapping his arms around her. She giggles in delight and I am blown away by how handsome he is. That’s my husband. I stand up pull him into a warm kiss before he reluctantly pulls away to hug Ellen. When he sits, Nala kisses his cheek before sitting down in between us. “Daddy, you sit there and mommy can sit here.” Once we move to the spots that she wants us in, she glances up at us with big eyes before shimmying her shoulders in delight. “Oh yeah, she’s definitely ours. Your mommy does the shoulder shimmy a lot, right, baby-girl?” She nodded as a confirmation before looking at Ellen again. “I wust wanted to say that Mrs. Deverous, you look very bootyful tonight.” 

She blushes and thanks Nala for the compliment before our daughter takes both Shawn and my hands, putting them on her small lap with an excited smile. “Can we tell them now? Pueeessse!” I look up at Shawn for confirmation. With his free hand, he tucks some of my hair out of my face, wrapping it around my ear. “This is the best place to tell them. I’m ready. Nala, would you like to do the honors?” Not even a second later, she screams. “I’M GETTING A BABY BROWTHOR!” Ellen and the crowd lose their minds, jumping with joy and some cry with happiness. She gets up to hug all of us and when I look back at Shawn, him and my daughter are all I see. I love them so much it hurts. They’re my everything. 

(I hope you liked it!! Please comment below!) 

[succulentsstars]

Deleted/Unlisted Video notes

So a few months ago, I came across a list of some unlisted and deleted D+P videos and decided that for my own personal interest as well as some others’ perhaps, I might take some notes. Though I initially tried to keep my personal opinion out, I️ eventually gave in So if you’re interested- here it is! Unlisted/Blocked Video Notes Phil- 79 Dan- 36 3 videos a day average 23 a week AT LEAST 2005 38 uses for a cushtie Feb 7 P- 18 D-13 • Never uploaded to YouTube • Mother in kitchen • Hedgehog and lion (not the) on bed • Buffy cutout • Cream corner couch • In childhood home • Unknown ‘girlfriend’ • Dad at computer • W/ four friends. Guy and three girls. • Girl w/ pixie cut • Girl with eyeliner • White Calvin Kline underwear • Girl w/ eyeliner again • Turtle? • Guitar red • Another unknown girl • Another unknown girl • Unknown guy • At some sort of pool? 2006 Awaiting the Tide Feb ?? P-19 D-14 • First vid uploaded? • Beach setting • Black hair/short/spiked • Plays Micheal • Mellisa • Louise • Argue over Phil • Terrible acting • “Sorry girls I’ve chosen Daniel” • Licks horse?kangroo? (Donkey) • Blue walls/living room? • Blue carpet • In Phil’s childhood home living room • April Harper • Victoria Maclean The game- a short horror film set in future March 12 P-19 D-14 • Described in Tatinof • Hair getting longer • In Phil’s uni room • Picture wall • Kill bill above Phil’s bed • Lesbian couple • White Levi’s shirt • Door has bathroom like handle • Rooms numbered • Door to left of entry hall, then switch back staircase • They all come out of this door, maybe this was Phil’s room? • Other door on left between Phil’s door and staircase • Shower labels • Shower room separate from sink (to left) • Downstairs door? • At least three levels • Sink on second level across from stairs to right is shower • Two doors? To right of shower on wall • Three girls and four boys? (Including Phil) • Entry hall has at least two doors on left and at least one on right • Third level- two doors on left • Door across from stairs leads to bath (room) and closet? • First door on left third floor is bedroom • Kitchen is on first floor opens up to other area with lots of doors? Concrete floor • Fiona Sheldon- one of two lesbian couple, dark brown, long dark brown hair, brown eyes? • Pete tannion. Thin glasses, slight under chin beard. Thick eyebrows. Light brunet • Cat Lofthouse. Little bigger, shoulder length mid brunette hair • Rob Davies. Mid brown hair, half bowel ish hair, thick ish glasses • Tessa Blake. Other lesbian. Short dark brunette hair • Andy Day. Played killer. Really spikey hair brunette. • Andy helped Phil write it My first videos Aug 13 P- 19 D-15 • Complication • Someone taking shots? • Kitchen • Four girls in their house living room- big tv, white flap curtains, dark green walls? • Two walking outside by fence • Unidentifiable song • Other room w/ computer in corner • Karrina and Phil • Pool • Mum/ family at Grand Canyon • Australia • Martyn! • More shots • Australia • Kangaroo • Laughing with Ella in house bedroom Kerrina visits my House Sept 21 P- 19 D-15 • In Phil’s childhood home • Orange Jacket • Black hair getting longer • Starts in oranger and yellow striped room with multicoloured bedspread • Fancy glass and wood front door • Grey car out front • Kerrina dirty blonde with over shoulder length hair • Yellow armchairs in living room (2) facing tv • Yellow couch to left, facing wall • Blue pool table behead a chair • Phil can juggle (sorta) • Playing bubble bobble • Phil bossy with game • Jeremy Kile show • Old phone flip phone • Finding ringtone • It’s a lion • HUGE backyard? • Fenced in by orange wall? • FUCKING PALM TREES ON RIGHT • stone walkways in fountain?? • Door covered in pictures • American flag on ceiling • Looking out at backyard from room • Window across from door Strange Dreams (Episodes 1-5) 18 Nov P-19 D-15 • ‘The mystery lion’ • Rapid voices • Almost bald? Guy in glasses/ black winter clothes • Phil has long hair • In green shirt • Steve the giraffe • In Phil’s childhood home • In bedroom • Buffy stickers in door • ‘The journey’ • Phil in hoodie • Room change • ‘Wake up’ • In bathroom • Wooden door • Old camera • Coming up stairs into hall • Into multicoloured bed room • Ian? • ‘Dreaming’ • ‘Man from future’ • Glass room W/ houseplants plants • Me and Anja Test My Camera Dec 27 P-19 D-15 • Phil likely visiting family on Christmas vacation • Filmed Christmas Day • Hair not nit to shoulder • Bw striped shirt+ black jacket • Hold wall • Anja- hair lot like Phil’s- Black, fringed • Window from Pinof! (Crappy church window) • Camel • Definitely in Phil’s house • In hall • Simon the camel • Photo with door to left of window in hall • Pressable screen?!? Omg! • Weather in 1242 haha • “Very welcome...Phil and Anja are going to shout happy Christmas now” “child” omg Phil’s mum calling him child I love her • To Alex • Barking at you? • Bye • Going to play board game now, rapido 2007 Car Journey to Leeds Feb 4 P-20 D-15 • New Year’s Eve • Dark hair, styled shorter • Mark is driving • Dark b hair, bowel ish cut • Raining • Emily is back left- shoulder length straight platinum blonde, somewhat round face • Victoria is back right- wavy brown hair thicker eyebrows. From awaiting the Tide videos • “Hello Philip” • Emily Resolutions “eat less crap do more exercise get with less dickheads” • Mark- “your grandchildren are going to see that Emily” • Phil says Emily and Victoria going to kiss • At midnight • Now! • No • We’ll have you having sex on the back of the ** in no time • Mark roar like a lion • Emily’s going to kiss Phil • YESS! • Wait no I’m going to change that • Phil in green tee shirt • They do little kiss • Highest motorway in world • Yesterday is calling me Big Ben strikes 12 Mar 1 P- 20 D-15 • In front of Big Ben on corner of road going towards it and road going past it • In London • It’s 12 • Slightly longer hair • White shirt with black stripes on sleeves • Freind with glasses who looks like mr sersion • Ian? • Maybe Pete Tannion his roommate? Awaiting the Tide 2 Mar 1 P-20 D-15 • Michael- Phil • In yellow diagonal stripe tee • Hair covering neck • Melissa and Louise • Episode two return to the beach • Pans over flower bed • In orange stripe room • Palm tree • Has sunglasses folded in shirt neck • Singing along to perfect day? • Outside house? • In glass greenhouse thing • Tv in there • Redish wood house • No it’s Phil’s fence • Filmed at Phil’s house • Louise has dog grey? Biggish lion, turtle?, and rabbit? Stuffed animals • Wearing old reindeer antlers Phil had on facebook profile • Sitting with Melissa in living room? With dark wooden doors? And green couches and curtains • Hold hands and skip • Fancy place with hill overlook, pillar like fence, Roman • At top of Phil’s yard- upward hill to right • Old lady? His grandma? • Care home?? • Room with yellow bed sheets • Fake gun • In yellow sitting room- not Phil’s house? • “I care about Micheal so much but now he’s with Daniel” lol • Haha terrible acting • To be continued • April Harper • Victoria Maclean- went to Leeds • • Phil’s Video Blog- 18th March 2007 Mar 18 P-20 D-15 • Hair almost brownish? Maybe camera • Green green hoodie • I’m back at home now • Thanks for all the giraffe names • Cuts to pic with Phil and giraffe (at uni) • Prize is amazing • His pet goldfish Nemo- covered in black splotches • Laying in tank • People kept saying it’s going to snow • Just a bit of snowflakes • Have to get on plane on Tuesday • Anxious • Sick of winter weather • Going to Florida • Mother’s Day • 1 year since first vlog • Lol bad editting • Haven’t changed much • Videos too long • Gets animal- lion • Grandma visited- shows her • Welsh in her head- doesn’t know it • V old • Gives thumbs up 10/10 grandma • Martyn visits • In glass room • VC? What it means • It snows!!! • Grandma there next day • Wow pics of subscribers • Have a great waster • • Florida One- Intro and Gatorland Apr 7 P-20 D-15 • Brownish hair • Down to neck • L blue shirt • Arrived in Florida- at house • V white • Shows street • Looks like typical neighborhood but nice and with palm trees • Shows house • Not one in 2017- only one floor • White Mini Cooper??? • Ian has come on holiday with us • Short short brown hair, thin glasses • Lake behind house • Mum and Dad! • At Gatorland • At squirrel paths • The sun is too hot Florida Two- More Gatorland Apr 8 P-20 D-15 • Same day • “Yes!” With Mom • Shows Dad and Mom lots • Steve Jenny Sarah susa • Feeds llama • Ian scared • At show Florida Three- Horror Movie Trailer Apr 8 P-20 D-15 • New day • Phil in Forrest green tee • We’re going exploring • In cap, Gatorland? • Orange yellow sunglasses • With Ian • Only? • Wading through Forrest and falling • ‘The trees have ears’ • “Probably gonna die out here” Florida Four-Old town, hair dye, strange dream Apr 9 P-20 D-15 • Old town is amusement park • Ferris wheel opening shot • Sky dive? • Red truck parade? • Hula dancer • At gift shop • Someone thrown from bull ride • Ride like wimpy kid movie • Rocky on tv • Pointing camera in mirror • Yellow tee with Florida • Baseball cap • Ian walks in- dared to dye his hair blonde • Black and white filter-blogs about dream • Checks himself out in camera hello • In my garden having picnic- room was glowing, ran over my video camera (he’s vlogging with) started to melt ran over- room started shaking big flash of light “oh god I’m going to die” then woke up in strange room got dragged out by man and Phil had red tattoo on arm. Man told him to get in line getting scanned green or red- shooting red people. Phil got green- he’s troop leader, got star. Blackness out window. In lecture room “welcome to new age of humanity” realest dream • Wants to go back • Sounds like Dan lol • Ian is ginger-y • Phil put in text it was ginger • Little giggle Alligator eats raccoon Apr 10 P-20 D-15 • Unlisted • Same yellow shirt? • Brownish long hair • Alligator in our garden- Liam • Jumped out of lake and ripped raccoon in half • Birds watching • In Florida House • Alligator flinging raccoon • Probably unlisted for violence Florida Five- Disney Mouse Ears April 10 P-20 D-15 • First shot in car • Orange tee shirt • Making faces • Drive through Disney gate • “Disney World” • Zooms on Ian • Walking to Epcot with parents and Ian in front of him • Orange shirt says dp haha my emotions • “I’ve put on this orange T-shirt to distract people from Ian’s hair” aww he’s so cute • “Cheers Phil” • The Seas with Nemo and Friends • Caption says ‘worst ride EVER’ aw :( • Ian says his experience is rubbish • In space ride? • ‘We got bored of America’ ‘so we went to Japan’ • Watching drum show • Koi pound • Phil in wizard hat • Ian in bob Marley Mickey ears • Phil in hatter hat • Ian in pirate hat • Phil in... spider hat??? • Mom in Minnie ears and Dad on top hat w/ ears lean in together • Holy cow all these hats • Finally settled on pirate • “We’ve become a family of mice” • “Are you filming?” “Yes” “ask me something” “phil?” “Yes?” “Do a micky Mouse impression • Idk what he says • ‘Oh my god’ • Wearing swim shorts • Attacking elephant statue • Meal of salt • Ian try’s to cut it • Fireworks display • Over lake??? • Showing obscure stuffed toys • Dinner noises in back Florida six- who is right?! April 11 P-20 D-15 • In green striped polo • Tan wall • Sitting in bed? • No hands so must be on tripod • Hi • Me and Ian didn’t agree on a lot of things on holiday- let us know who’s right • Mouths I’m right • This room really echos • What is size of platepus • Phil thinks it’s smaller • Different shirts • Phil green with star • Penguins (emperor) Ian-4 ft Phil-1ft • ‘I saw Davey ***?” ???? • Most haunted real? • Phil thinks fake • Phil likes Ian’s hair- Ian doesn’t • Phil’s shoes • Don’t even bring the shoes up • Ian hates them • “The best shoe ever” • Other than that we’ve got on this holiday • Phil punches Ian The tornado and the Comic Book April 30 P-20 D-15 • Opening shot of tornado white in yard • Just looks like dust • Sunny day • In a car • With Ian • Lol his blonde hair • Him and Ian making animal noise in car • Green and white baseball cap with diamond? • Wow I️ didn’t even notice how light his hair has gotten WOW • Written on paper “Ian is a liar you don’t need a gun to kill him” in all caps • Phil slashs paper across his neck • Denny’s • Orange world pass by • Celebration Ave • Driving • “I️ was the only survivor of the tornado encounter” • Tells Ian he’s supposed to be dead • “Sell my body to strangers on the street to make a living and maybe eat the occasional pigeon” • “This is my final broadcast, goodbye everyone it’s been fun” • 1974-1948-1963 • First bomb has hit New York • “Drive Sebastian DRIVE” @ his Dad Phil’s wilding lol • Rorr • Phil’s Dad says something • Someone’s being arrested lol • Steven Speilburg is on a cloud • “Give me your money or dragon will die” • ‘Dad told me to calm down’ written on screen wow it’s so weird to think of Phil as teen • Boring tv • Bites lip • About maths • Parents talking indisctiily • He gets it wrong and everyone laughs • His mom suggests two times table • I️ love his mom • • Alternative Muse Trailer- MEWS Sept 15 P-20 D-16 • Starts w toys • Narrator? Professional • “Coming soon the amazing new album from MEWS • Meowing Muse songs • Sounds kind Phil • Cuts to Phil and Ian in his bedroom meowing and laughing • Phil’s hair is p black again • Phil laughed • They kept laughing • “C’mon, meow- seriously” • There’s literally Buffy everywhere Phil is the real stalker here • Weird ceiling pattern • At home Christmas Monkey December 23 P-20 D-16 • Four people • Phil- hair black and shoulder length • Ian??? Or Pete • Girl in red with long aburn hair cat??? • Guy with duty blonde buzz cut • Ian in antlers • One word stories about monkey • “And-the-monkey-lived-happily-ever-dead” • Probs in dorm 2008 Coin of Destiny Jan 9 P-20 D-16 • Still stock cabin image with title written • Blonde guy??? • Holding duck • Knock at door • Pete comes in • “Hi Jake, tommy” • At dorm??? • In room ugh light blue walls and pool table and jaws poster • Nvm it’s Phil’s house • Coin- endless fortune or pain • Tosses it • At Phil’s house • Phil and someone??? • Stroking things plus noises • Welcome to year 3000 • Heads • “Lucky child” lol • Other guy on hall floor? • Idk him???? Latino looking • In tan room • Ian saves Jake • At gate of destiny • Blonde girl (don’t know???) • Welcome to the gate of eternal destiny • His hair is so long fml • Guy shows up to kill girl Ian saves her • Ben Dawson as Jake • Emily pepperday as gatekeeper • Mark hesketh • Stephan claxon • Danish Mahmood • Filmed at 3 am aww my B.B. • “I️ love you guys” I️ love you Phil Prague #1- Arrival Jan 13 P-20 D-16 • Opens on empty train platform outside • Three guys (or girl one w/ long hair) • “We’re just waiting for the train everyone’s a bit bored” • One guy is doing this dance thing and jumps into the other’s arms • Hangs down • Starts doing sit ups and makes a kissy noise • Guy hold him pretends to slap his face • Jumpcut to room • Guy w/ black long hair dancing • Steven • Omg Phil’s hair is down to shoulders • Pretty black • Wearing blue hoodie • Room is small • “Got our own bathroom so no sharing with scary men” • Likes painting on wall (rose) • Phil bonded with Andy on the plane • Ian • Little quiz for people at home • Andy or Phil? They are facing back • Andy is one w/ long black hair • Lion hate • Ian reading paradise bar card • Sexy women on it • Private dance, go go dance, lap dance • Whistle • Maybe he’ll visit Tomorrow • Describes day • Phil didn’t like English pub at first • Angie made the lion hat • Steven posed naked with lion hat over his crotch • Shows actual picture • Andys in bed Ian’s asleep • Slow mo jump • Everyone has own twin bed Prague #2- Exploring Jan 13 P-20 D-16 • Opens on town/city • We’re in old town square • Gothic towers • Really big Christmas tree • Astronomical clock • ‘Anticlimax’ in text as clock goes off • Going to top of tower • Phil looks like snape with a tan scarf lol • View from top • Tower has the highest suicide rate in Europe • Phil runs up to camera and says fascinating • Steven sniffing maniquen • Zoo on her head • Wow so pretty • Soldiers • Do a little skip • Harry and Hermione good graphite drawings from ootp • Picture slideshow • Show with clown dude 20 Days Mar 8 P-21 D-16 • Text ‘20 Days’ • Sped up • Math socks • Hair v long and black • Got to write 1000 words in 24 hours • Opens textbook and flops his face into it • At college? • Has hiccups • Someone films him flipping pancake • Shirts keep changing • Feather woman • Going in car wash at night • Hanging upside down • Had little blue haired figure ‘I don’t want to write another 2000 words’ • Matching couple going down stairs • Fiona- brown hair with bangs • And Seth • We’re going shopping together • Ill • W coffee • Lion • Outside in fenced in • Wow 20 Days went by fast • I️ think I️ need to start appreciating each day • What are you doing today? • Maybe..you should.. do something memorable • =] Zac Efron for President April 9 P-21 D-16 • Hello • Sea blue shirt • Weather channel saw his last video • Give us sunshine again • Andrew somethings video • He got jones soda • I’m unidentified place with white • It’s can • Angry • He’s in Florida • New tshirt • Went shopping during rain • Got matchy watch • A lizard climbed the tree outside didn’t film it • Badgeline • Zac efron for president • On button • Sea monkeys Katie sent • Ling ling painted lion • Wow this vid is so cringe lol AmericanPhil April 15 P-21 D-16 • Phil is doing American accent • Watching baseball and drinking Gatorade • Holy cow it sounds so weird • Oh it’s another dude speaking • I️ think? • Totally awesome The sliver button May 3 P-21 D-16 • I️n Florida still • Duvet in background • Shiny button on house plant • Somethings coming • Has scarf on head • Change in dimension • Black white now • 1000s of people all watching • I️ can see your eyes you’re all staring right back at me • Sock puppet • Not again • On flip phone • No orange button • Stop watching video • Fake crying • Selfish people • Sock eats him • Never be able to understand what you’ve just done • Entered vid in competition • *competitiom cancelled Sock perfection May 8 P-21 D-16 • Still in Florida • So excited • Are you ready for something exciting • Shoe sock • He’s so happy omg • Red striped shirt Stuff #3 May 25 P-21 D-16 • Text- ‘there was a folder on my computer called ‘stuff 3’ it contained 15 videos and one song’ • I️ challenged myself to make a montage in 10 minutes • Girl saying hello Philip and something about a flip • Dark blue room with guy in red sweatshirt walking away • Anja roaring • Someone in glassed in pool • Phil’s mum is filming • ‘It’s a video’ • Aw she’s so cute • Looks like pool from 2017 Florida trip with dan • They stay in same house! • Red sweatshirt guy ‘You’re editing this film not me’ • Phil in purple tee in front of bushes • Clip of Phil wearing watch • Family • At his dorm with Christmas tree • Clip of guy? • His giant Backyard • City? • I️ am sat on the floor DANGER! June 20 P-21 D-17 • Essay- got a 53% • Upset • Fiona’s Birthday- video • Ben’s Birthday • Booked place with sauna and stuff- recommends • Messy room- dorm?? • Hair is lots shorter • Slightly lighter? • Sped up footage of party • Shot glasses?!? • Girl and at least three guys • Standing in a kitchen • Singing happy birthday • Two girls- four guys • (5?) • Phil likes house • People playing twister • Swimming pool • Ping pong and pool table • Three people dancing on balcony • Girl squished her boobs • In swimsuit • The happening- thought it was going to be really cool • Didn’t like it too much- awkward • Nobody talks like that • Pops pink balloon with hands • Fake cries • Mom is from north- Dad from down south • Mix of two • *accents • Does north accent Curious Mico Aug 10 P-21 D-17 • Hair getting longer • Blue shirt • Orange and wears a tie question time with Mico • Has red guitar • Real? • I’m his brother’s room at moment • Martyn- sure he’s been in one of my videos before • Pic of martyn skateboarding • Weirdest thing in room- loud koala alarm clock • He has new has • Bell- rang it in shop and got shouted at • At the moment really likes mire cats • And polar bears • Marks cat • Cute laugh • 4 In morning about to go to bed • Look down and he stepping on Mouse • Cats are vicious killers • Superstition bc Mom • Fingernails, shoes • Don’t say “I️ hope you die on your birthday” • Makes weird noises • And it noises people • Footage breaks down • “Rest in peace Mico” Dude, an amazing forest hurricane! Oct 5 P-21 D-17 • Other people • Wearing shirt from profile omg first one I️ recognized • Three people- two guys and girl- all long brown hair • Zebra • “We call a zeebra a zebra” “REALLY?””Yes, you were wrong” • Holy cow the girl looks/sounds kinda like Cat (caterific) • Central Park • Doing story • Umbrella • We’re in New York • In band • John • Space exhibition- which was boring • Snacks- discussing biscuits • Abbry • Nvm two girls • At natures museum • It’s a squirrel pig • Re: The BEST advice Oct 27 P-21 D-17 • Close up on face • Purple shirt • ‘Hi andrew’ • ‘My name’s Phil, I’m from England’ • We say the word like this • SORRY • Growls 2009 AmazingPhil Big Brother Audition Jan 13 P-21 D-17 • At home- in his bedroom • Wearing cat whiskers • Omg • Hi- meow • My name’s Phil I’m a boy and I️ make video diaries on YouTube • Jumpcut to lobster • Bare chested- towel tied around shoulders • I’ll join the gym at university • “And then I’ll be irresistible” • God he’s hot • Christmas vacation • Feels need to tone myself • Used to talking into camera • Likes lions • Like these shoes • Like these boxers- musical note ones (Dan has worn them fml) • Doesn’t want to be put with annoying famous people • “So please pick me” • “And I️ will give you a kiss on the face” SNOW April 29 P-22 D-17 • Snow filter • Animals noises • Red shirt • Just making faces ☠️ April 30 P- 22 D-17 • Purple ish footer • Amazing eyes • I️ can hear a noise • I️ can hear someone coming closer and closer to my room • Filter switches • Puts string in mouth • Screams with beep • Pretends to die Bradley Sept 22 P- 22 D-18 • Been really long time since video • Doing American accent • Get naked • BW shirtless jumpcut • Lessamazingphil everyday • Went to wales • Thought he was was going to get serial killered • They were driving • Moving ball of fluff • With friends • Badger • Never seen badger • Badger through itself in front of car • Killed it • Haunted by badger and ferret • Bought glasses today • Called Seth • Checker shirt change • Actually blind • Bradley gave eyetest • Eyelid rape • American cup • Lol it’s a yellow solo cup • Going back to Florida in April • Parents want to get house there • Used to this face • Twice a year in flordia • Writes “a really freaky woman has moved in” • “Hello, I️ will be here for two weeks” • Writes- ‘she keeps her butter in the cupboard • Moving out on Wednesday • Moving back to Manchester forever • So he’s still at uni rn • Going to become a man • Love you all a lot • Battery died • Lion and lioness • Green grapes Flashing Images Sept 25 P-22 D-19 • Text ‘this video contains flashing imagines’ • Flashing images set to music • Most seemed to be filmed at his home • Guy walking down street • Cards • Calculator • Notebook • Buffy on tv • Inverted colors • Pill • 8 ball • Young Phil? • Screen splits several times • Hands with oilers, hourglass, smashing, knife • All footage is ten years old OHHH (1999) I️ like fire and petrol Nov 5 POST 10/19/09!!! P-22 D-23 • In room at house • Got hit by firework as child • Stupid friend called Katie • Picked up unused fireworks and put them in fire • Afraid of fireworks now • Love smell of bonfires • Weird • Aftershave would wear • Fireworks and scooters direct- shop in his town • Now we can ride the scooter to the fireworks display • Back roll OMG • Got purple face mask in P.O. box • Thanks • House made weird noise • Mattress on side?? • American candy- livesavers • Smell • Mickey Mouse boxers • Medium so rly big • Parents said if you don’t have job by November kicking you into the street • Actually just advised him • Haven’t done • Not sure what he’ll be • Brain heart surgeon • Physic? • Now kiss me • Vet • Tatoo artist (only face whiskers) • Lion tamer • Long tongue • History folder- doodles • Didn’t care for history • The final quack • Apartment red filming in Ireland • Woman at airport made him cry • Lioness is pregnant • ‘But you only licked my chin’ • The were on laptop keyboard • W/ Stephan • Apple computer • Set • Wearing suit w/ purple tie • Fake cuts off head • HICKEY on his left between shoulders and neck • Dan was last with him nov 1 • 5-10 Days ago Dreams of the future Nov 22 P-22 D-18 • Meows • Sorry I️ haven’t been around much • Hair down to ears • Wearing jacket he wore for Halloween • Life has been crazy • Cutest face now • Entered video into contest • Dan’s in the competition • Cut to Pinof • Dan saying ‘should I️ have a sex change’ • After you vote for me pleaseeee could you vote for him as well? • Cleans screen • Double screen • Takes photo • Idk if I️ told you but you look really beautiful today • Talk to past • 2047 • Dino dream • We all sleep in xxx chambers • Robots everywhere • When I️ like something it makes me do this *shirt sparkles* • Blue polo ish shirt btw • Not actually human • Show you inside of my head • Cut to flashing images video • Gives me ability to travel trough time • Red- he’s not who he says he I️s • Colors invert • Music kicks in • Travel into past and warn you • I️ have been on this planet for thousands of years • 2047 • Red shirt (with sharpie streaks) no shirt • He has your soul now • I️ warned you to stop watching • End of our story • Like dreams not all stories have a happy ending • Wraps up glove in Black • Going to return to my mind now • I️ want to wake up • His eye Captain stress relief December 5 P-22 D-18 • Stop motion w/ lion • For giffgaff • Mobile network • 18th time filming • Lion hasn’t been talking to him • Guy in bubble wrap • Captain stress relief • Have a cheeky pop and relax • Popping medley • I️ don’t see this as a job I️ see this as my life • At Phil’s house • So high up • Wearing cat sweatshirt/jacket • Another dude in phils living room Have a bear exam coming up • Mom • I’m so stressed with all this cooking • In kitchen • Giffgaff to hire (V DAY VIDEO- FEB 13- P-23 D-18) My fish died :( Mar 1 P-23 D-18 • Bed made • SAME SHIRT AS VDAY • SAYS ARFF OK YHEN • jackienchan • Dad displayed fish body outside conservatory window • We need to mourn him Phillip • 100,000 subscribers • Self conscious • Clip of HI IAM PHIL WELCUM TO MAH FIRST VIDEO BLOG • shudders • Imagine if you all were in the room with me • We’d probably die • Didn’t know peeps • Karen sent him peeps • Christmas trees • Very sugary • Very nice • 6 1/2/ 7 • He and dan tried making American pancakes • Cut to clip of them • Clip of it snowing • In orange room now • Today’s draw Phil Naked • Him riding a cow in space • Mating call of camel • ‘Hey do you want to head up to the bedroom..’ • Prize time • My soul • Boxers • He and Dan semi finalist • In video contest • Halloween’s mirror self of them OHai Mar 30 P-23 D-18 • Purple graphic tee • Cat whiskers • Close to camera • In bedroom • Haven’t made video here since Christmas • Say hello • Going on boat tomorrow to Isle of Man • Isn’t most exciting place • Buy ds and Pokemon to play • Hasn’t played Pokemon since Pokemon Silver • Asleep and kept hearing door bell in dream • Actual doorbell • Ran downstairs • Was excited for big package • Pokemon platinum • Game is small compared to old box • Can’t play bc no ds • Plays with slinky • Thanks everyone who helped by watching captain stress relief • But DANIEL • (Danisnotonfire) • He’s in Twitter part of contest • Help dan out • Giving away crazy prizes • Yawn • Going to bed at odd times • Doesn’t know how he coped when he went to Australia • Do you like these videos? • I️ will appear in your bedroom BOAT APOCALYPSE Apr 14 P-23 D-18 • In room but sitting at Pinof angle • Back from Isle of Man • Black polo • Hope the Easter bunny was kind • Never want to see white choclate ever again • ‘It’s your favorite’ • Had couple of Easter eggs before going on boat • People suck everywhere • Didn’t throw up • Dana gave him Easter egg • Real bird egg filled with chocolate • Looking at apartments in Manchester • Want to get one with really high skyscraper • Pretend everything is mine • Creepy guy breathing in his ear on bus • Don’t like people breathing in his ear • Got red photo camera • Penguin mating call • Ds arrived • Shows other side of his room • Big lion on chair • Draw Phil Naked • Him on a unicorn • Starts singing always I️ want to be with you • Apartment red • He and Steven • Lion family Swine Flu May 6 P-23 D-18 • V day shirt • Not in room • Feel like you and me should be pillow fighting in slow motion in our underwear • Thatd be hot • Tried to make video outside • Think he’s in Florida • Mosquito down his shirt • In geeze? Bottom corner of Florida • 8 hours to get there • Only eating trail mix • Too sacred to go into sea- idk why I️ developed sea phobia • Snake or alligator • Sea panther lurking • Bought grow your own aquarium • Only thing I️ shop that not shell • Shell jigsaw • Hammock jumpcut • He has swine flu • Guy with green t shirt on plane coughed • It’s been 3 weeks • Got sonic boxers • Fish in house • Pinof 2 • Own tv show on apartment red PRIZES July 8 P-23 D- 18 • Crawling forward on bed • Lion tee shirt • Patch beard • Facial hair grows weirdly • Nvm not lion shirt but black • So this video is about PRIZES • We the Kings day in the life • Announcing winners • Sending postcards to address • Permission to scrape out his eyeballs • Phil I️D.C. About contest • Something exciting in September • Clip on repeat EEE • Only good things can come out of a Moomin box Viewer Mail! Louder! Aug 30 P-23 D- 19 (As I️t is exactly same as listed video, no notes) SUPERNOTE 2010 Oct 4 P-23 D- 19 • Omg Dan is here • In new apartment • On black couch in front of microwave • Dan wearing red sweatpants and has bracelets • Phil in blue polo and black jeans? • Readyness face • Making mouth movements at each other • Big breath in • Dan counts down on fingers • Singing notes • Contest • Dan has v relaxed face • He lasts 42 seconds • Phil lasts 52 • D “holy crap what the fuck, freak” • Dan makes squawk noise • Wave goodbye • Dan starts again and Phil shoved his face • Screams in Phil’s ear • Dan and Phil get down! Oct 30 P-23 D- 19 • Dan fake playing video game • Phil sitting behind him • Dan wearing twilight shirt • Phil in yellow shirt • I️ heard if you say this thing 3 times into a mirror something scary happens • Dan replies sarcastically ‘ooh what is that then?’ • Bleeding llama dance party • No summos ancient Japanese wolf demon • Please it’s Halloween • Phil groans and gets up and goes to bathroom • Starts to say I️t • “Phil no think about this for a moment” • Scary imagines flash • Dan and Phil standing in front of balcony doors • Dan is taller than Phil omg • Stop motion • Dancing • Cycle • Phil eventually puts on wolf mask and mauls dan • Runs to camera • Happy Halloween • End screen 2011 Has WINNERS Mar 5 P-24 D- 19 • Dan and Phil • Terrible sound • In new apartment • Phil in red tee Dan in grey sweater and llama hat • Half full Ribena in back • Co judge: dan... the llama • Emotional piano music • All so good • I️ wish I️ was creative • D- so was I️ • Rachel triops queen and three year old daughter • Dan thinks they’re gross Phil likes them • Bonus chance for Simon • Dan does little swaying dance • Runners up • Dan will make sure Phil contacts people • Salad fingers character • But good • Dan likes text • Girl we met my chemical romance • With pink hair • Dan rolls eyes at Phil giving career advice • Jumpcut after dan plays with balls • 7 evil ex’s- dan is Ramon of flowers??? • Dan rawring at Phil • Dan should be art teacher • Dan says he should be everything teacher • Final fantasy character • Phil grabs Dan’s face when he’s annoyed • Don’t grab my face • ‘Personal bubble’ • Rude • Dan playing with bracelet • Secret unlisted video • Llama head butt • Don’t know how to stop camera Totoro Winners! June 5 P-24 D-19 • Phil wearing purple New York shirt • Dan wearing grey sweater • Terrified dan • Giraffe scared Dan • Not just creativity • Whisk face giraffe • Hard choosing • Goat • Dan scared of giraffes forever • Michael eagle washing machine • All these get small rotor is • Giraffe pocky • Wonder why Phil likes I️t • Hippo ice cream • Phil wants to eat I️t • Mural on side of his house of octo sloth • Dan likes spaghetti panther the best • Sitting on left side of tv • Tv is on • Fair amount of Knick knacks • Unbridge on unicorn • Fair amount of jump cuts • Phil just finished portal • Dan calls for taxi?? • Ultimate winners • Someone calls dan • Hello? Hello? • Jump cut he’s not on phone anymore • Phil loves disturbing • Dan says we a lot • Dan goes to get his taxi • Twerks in camera • Phil says no • Gives rec for vid • Unidentifiable song find I️t Speaking fail Aug 10 P-24 D-20 • He’s going to be doing an official apartment tour on his channel • Over and over • Red button up plaid • In bedroom • Keeps messing up DOG-A-LIKES! Oct 7 P-24 D-20 • Last day before Florida • Dan can’t fit in fride • Heat wave • Dan’s butt after heat wave • What dog is each person • Phil • Dan • Peej • Lion • Charlie • Chris • Idk why I️t made Chris so fat • Phil and Buffy baby • Phil and pikechu baby • Cookies and cream straw • In tv room • Drinks milk • Check out vyou • Clip of Phil eating after camera stopped • Bonus Phil mail 3.5 December 6 P-24 D-20 • In bedroom on side of bed • Lots of stuff • Camera and IMovie lost his footage • Red shirt • Jade sent him letter with draws (and cat whiskers) • Red panda stamps • Phil can’t wink • Wearing shorts • Heart hands • Timothy get downstairs right now • Going to read story in bed tonight • Likes to read before bed • Pocky • Promises he reads all letters • Final fantasy music? • Thank you for the sexy story as well... • Fake eyelashes maybe for philippa PROJECT FOR AWESOME 2011! somewhereto_ Dec 17 P-24 D-20 • Eating out of advent Callander • Sitting in chair in front of tv • Christmas tree up • Sonic shirt • Juggling polar bears • Walking down street • Omg this is where the cuts where he swears come from • Looks like mike from stranger things lol • Helps find people find space to do things • Draw Phil Naked • Snowed today • Dan saying it’s a blizzard harry in background 2012 LETTERZ Jan 25 P-24 D-20 • Sitting on bed longways • New covers • Jacob mask • Wearing blue orange and white bracelets- silly bands? • Wearing tie • Indigo shirt • Jesus stamps • Watching you since 2009 • I️dead to prank dan • Hide alarm clock in his room- that’s a good one • Working on that • I️ went cross eyed for you I️ love you that much • And now even moar • Red curtain • Now In living room • Sitting at breakfast bar • You should visit Canada someday • Likes the name Hope • Cara lee is a cool name • Wearing lion hat • ‘I’m sorry don’t stop watching the video because I️ did that’ • 8 years old viewer • WHOLLY SHIT ITS TIFAS THEME • SHITTTTTYTTT • shirt change • Doesn’t like colored pencils FANK YOU Jan 30 P-25 D-20 • Not at home • At parents house? • Grey plaid shirt • Bday thank you • Had a really nice day • Guinea pig • Mom made him cactus garden • Mapless chocolates • Shaver bc his broke and stubble growing • Didn’t know what to ask for for his bday • Sexy socks • Chocolate tasting club • Dad wrote ‘have a nice birthday or ill eat your liver’ • Spiked himself on cactus • Final destination • Go to bed • Should do updates more • Mysterious news AmazingPhil Next Vlogger May 6 P-25 D-20 • Jacob mask • Kill Bill poster above his bed now • My name’s Phil and I’m known as AmazingPhil on YouTube • From Manchester England • Vlogs, comedy sketches, interactive vid, and lions? • Loves interacting with people all across the world the most • In future wants to keep doing what he’s doing • Get better at editting • More interactive • Life vlogging • Juggles apples • Yeah I️ can’t juggle But what’s the catch!? May 23 P-25 D-20 • In another dudes house? • With Alex Day • London • Says London accent • Offers with price • 5 million will you shave off all body hair forever • Phil would for month or year • That’s mental no • Phil would for a billion • Saturday • Lose laugh or read minds • Phil seems flirty • Draw time • Bored on train Phil wrote these QUESTIONS! and a pickled shark Sept 10 P-25 D-21 • London apartment !!! • Side channel vid • Pinof 4 tomorrow filmed • Need questions • Usually uses formspring • In room? • Shark HO HO HO Dec 25 P-25 D-21 • At parents house • Tan room on couch • Take break from eating to wish happy Christmas • Puts on antler • HIS BEDROOM IS TAN • Not couch bed • Tetris alarm clock • At 6:30 when filming • Or is that his alarm??? • Dog puppet • Radio 1 website • 9 pm • Working on show all of December • Interacting on bb1 twitter • Going to eat and go into food coma • Goodbye guys oh dear • DAN IN RELFEVTIOM OF ALARM on computer • Ewatching? • Or Phil’s background 2013 HAIR MODEL! May 7 P-26 D-21 • Deleted • Finally feeling like summer • Mouse situation • Mouse in our house • Mouse cam • Their tv • Time to get cat • Weird woman • Hand first • Would you like to be a hair model • Different hair styles • Nial mask • Homeless guy saying I️ wonder who would win in a fight between you two • Phil wins • Lemon phone case • Jack Howard is avoiding haircut • Asking phone genie • Who in avengers? • C’mon Thor (Phil is so gay for him) • Black widow twins • Mcr in background • Names all Tom • Knows his middle name • Mum uses full name when he’s in trouble • Why is there a dying rabbit on my bed • I️ May tell u about someday • Interrupt this video for announcement • Danni boi jumps in (literally) • You just broke my bed • Radio Show nominated for award • People’s choice • London edition Ditl if they win • Grandma and dog vote • Phil was wearing pj bottoms while Time 2014 Dan and Phil LICK RACE June 16 P-27 D-23 • Sky shirt • Dan in horn hoodie • Usual spam emails • Hello Phil from Oreo • Lick race • Free double stuff Oreos • Nice angle • No teeth just tongue • Need a dispute to settle • Mail button • Phil is heavy sleeper • Ah domestic • Not answer door from more • But wait there’s more • Loser face decorated • Dan takes hello kitty mug • Dan has powerful younger • Phil sliding I️t over tongue • Dan slow powerful licks • Work out • So good at ice lollies now • Dan wins • Dan draws lick off • Sprays Phil’s hair • Ok I’m to go now • Dan licks camera Welcome! Sep 8 P-27 D-23 • White background • Probs in house • Wearing dan and Phil T-shirt’s • Dan in black and Phil in purple • Dan and Phil • Official worldwide dan and Phil shop • Posters • Llama and lion • Stationary sets • Dans ear 7cm long • Please stop that • Up there somewhere • Newsletter • Thanks for supporting • Phil’s heart hurts • Get that checked out • Should we go make some videos • Or eat • Dan laughs at the end god that was awkward Thank you! Sep 8 P-27 D-23 • Same setting as last • Dan- hello valued customers • If you’re watching this means you bought something • Or someone just sent you link • Phil hugs camera • To late now they just should enjoy the embrace • Go before • Super cringe sPOOPy Nov 5 P-27 D-23 • Darkness and flashing • Flashlight • 1D poster • Close up on Nial • Phil ‘rahhh’ • Sitting on toilet probs The Dan and Phil ADVENT CALENDAR Nov 17 P-27 D-23 • In gaming room • Phil in Jake sweatshirt • Dan in black T-shirt • Hello disciples of the Dan and Phil newsletter • No • We’re calling them that it’s my turn • So much worse than buddies • Didn’t know if we were going to do this if not • Hilarious • Phil wanted to • Bigger than looks on camera • Dan has big head • Had chocolate tasting • Strange moaning noises • Photo booth challenge behind each • Chocking on chocolate • Americans don’t have • Another joint • All get a bit fat together • Yayyy CHRISTMAS MERCH!! Dec 5 P-27 D-23 • In Christmas jumpers worn in dirl • Hello Christmas elves • Missed opportunity to say ho ho hello • Live in same • Follow newsletter • Do I️t • Please • Please • Working for long time • Best thing ever made • Calendar • Don’t spoil I️t • Customized dates • Twiiter plans • Pixal t shirt • Phil likes galaxy coat • Dan likes dinosaur • And Phil’s Pizza tshirt • Dan should put I️t on • Dan says not to look • Don’t want you to see my nipples • Phil covers his eyes • Phil sings sexy music • Dan thinks it’s cool • Dan is smiling to much too fake • Wrapping paper • Gift card • Dan doesn’t trust relatives • Put lot of love • Festive make over • Lots of gaming videos • Ho ho ho Phil closes in on camera Christmas one word story game! Dec 17 P-27 D-23 • Sitting on gaming couch • Dan in Santa hat and earrings and black Santa sweater • Phil in reindeer and purplish patterned sweater • Reindeers don’t say ho ho ho • Ahhh • Greetings and ah • Man named Jerome who killed Santa and wore his skin while visiting children • That was terrible idea HAPPY NEW YEAR! Dec 17 P-27 D-23 • Bonus video • In gaming room • Jellyfish tee • Dan in black • Purple Pokemon pillow • Merry eve • Phil what was your favorite thing of 2014 • Meeting Kylie benoge • Hanging out • Amazing video • Australian slang • Worst thing- • Either being stuck on rollercoaster or squirrel • Dan smiling • Best • Nick jonas hug • Body warmth • Worst • Buying leather t shirt • Regrets • Enjoy hanging out with robots and hover cars in future • Both give thumbs up 2015 ZZZZ Jan 28 P-27 D-23 • In gaming room • Door open • In gaming room • Pikacu pillow and green one • Phil in logos shirt • Dan in black tee • Dan does double peace signs in opening • Phil does single wave • That was weird • Dan and Phil sim buddies • Do something for people who have trouble sleeping • We both stay up too late on the internet • Like miles or owls • Bedtime story game • Ahh • Filter • One night in florist land there was a little squirrel called Herbert. Herbert’s face was swollen bc he licked a bee Herbert is sad bc of his face as he won’t be able to ask Susan to prom remember that faces are not important and dogs are loyal • THAT WAS GOING SOMEWHERE • ALL YOU HAD TO SAYIS WHATS INSIDE COUNTS AND YOU SAID DOGS • Dan is wild • Why are you wearing pyjamas • Bc it’s bedtime • Phil walks away • What a disaster • Sorry Ring Ring Roulette 2! Feb 15 P-28 D-23 • In gaming room at an angle • Phil in gray space shirt • Dan in alien shirt • Hello dan and Phil games sims buddies • Awkward • Need to stop that • Randomly call people using • Using our dan and Phil sim • Mailbox you have called not available • Hello? • Is this mainly? • Starts crying • Oh my fuck • Hi this is Dan and Phil • I’m amazed • How long have you watch vids? • *gargled answer • Dan would win in fight to death • Do you have any pets • Cat called salemgaylord something • Dan likes lazy fat cats • Phil would like a unicorn • Give us best unicorn impression • Lovely to speak to you • Thanks for getting out Dan and Phil sim • This has been amazing thank you • Both wave to phone • Dan mirroring Phil THANKS! Mar 2 P-28 D-23 • In gaming room • Poke ball and crash bandicoot pillow • Phil in owl sweater • Dan in black shirt and grey hoodie • Touching • Hello sim buddies • Wanted to make video to say thank you on sim adventure • Controlling our lives- pic of running • Sneaking things into our tweets • Phil tweet- “some days you just feel like a moist diplodocus. Put on a snazzy outfit, go to the zoo and have a feelsposion over a capybara.” • Finally getting Dan to change his icon • Cat whisker and eclipse shirt • Yep that finally happened • Dan found I️t fun • Dan senses you all strange texts • Won’t randomly call you... for now • Phil summerize this entire thing with one noise • Brleee! • Beautiful ^_^ Mar 12 P-28 D-23 • In gaming room at weird angle • Dan in Eye shirt • Phil in some graphic tee (white) • Hello sim buddies • Night (completely dark) • We’re waiting and we’re ready • Sounded creepy • Randomly dialing • Dan had huge ass smile on his face • Not available • Sh sh • LAUREN • Hello? • Um yes • This is Dan and Phil • Oh hi • Answer I️ wanted to hear • Refreshing for like hours • Do you have any pets • Dog called chip • Cross terrier • Do any tricks • Jump cut • Probably a cat • Nothing more exotic? • Bearded dragon not baby dragon • Impression • Phil does impressions • 11/10 • Hello internet • Phil waves at phone again • Lauren was nice • Asking people to do phone impressions isn’t good etiquette • Phil asks Dan to do impression and he does aww |||RRR||| Apr 1 P-28 D-23 • Even weirder angle in gaming room??? • Dan in skull shirt and Phil in red plaid • Hair is flipped ohhhhh • “Are we not going to call them dan and Phil sim buddies this time?” • Sim friends • Mobile isn’t available • On toilet or something • Man’s voice • Is this Chloe • Not your sim • Man’s voice • Unicorn impressing • Barry • Thanks Barry • That wasn’t Chloe... • Nicole • This is Dan and Phil • I’m just sat down • No just sitting • Have a snake • Bella • Hiss • Since 2010 watched videos • The Pinofs are favourites • Happily sitting • She’s so chill • Hello internet • Phil wants a snake • Didn’t wave • Dan in blue dining room chair DAN AND PHIL SHOP ‘END OF SUMMER/CLASS IS STARTING AGAIN AHHH’ COLLECTION Aug 22 P-28 D-24 • Pixal fade in • Crash and flappy bird pillows • Dan in b tee w pocket lion • Phil in mint green lion pocket • Hot new season • End of summer/class is staring again season • Such a long time • Lllama lion t shirt • Rubbing my boob • Text ‘wow it’s like a little trip to 2011’ • Debuted piece of jewelry • Whiskers necklace • Phil wears I️t • Put I️t over face and look like u have whiskers • How amazing is that • Collabed with spiral backpacks • Pixal and Galaxy • Phil will use galaxy • Worked rly hard • Bye • Pixal fade Dan and Phil Merch EXPLOSION 💥 Nov 18 P-28 D-24 • In gaming room • Dan in fringe sweater • Phil in tour t shirt • Flappy bird and crash pillow • Dan’s voice bad bc tour • Attack on Titan Phil sings • Most merch ever • V busy this year • This guy • Dan does dance • Phil wants explosives makes dan edit • Rolls eyes • Didn’t know it’s coming • 2016 Calender • Work Calander • Strippers • January sailors • So sorry • Phil’s fav aug • Fireman • Police is most suggestive • Photos regret • Sweater is by artist • Black tee • Prodigy and 5 secs of summer • Tours on back • Tour tee • New poster • Next chapter • Advent calander • Good chocolate • Festive morphs • Wait for each day • Thanks to Martyn • Newsletter • Hope you’re having a fab day 2016 New Merch! CALENDERS AND SPACE! Nov 18 P-29 D-25 • Both in galaxy merch • Dan sweater • Phil tee • Gaming • Crash pillow and flappy • Boy do we have a thing for you • Sit down • 2017 calander • At movies • Dan likes marvel January • Phil looks better than Chris • That’s bold • If you worked out.. • Phil jumped for hogwarts • Sorry for sherk July • Stare at us all the time • New galaxy merch • Dan likes design • Dark space • No ugly dan and Phil anywhere • Darker back pack • So many secret flaps • Shame is strong • I️ don’t want your head on my boobs • Crime against Christmas • The big C • Snapchat filter dan and Phil • You sneaky lil shits have I️t don’t deny • Horrifying • All out now • It’s cool if you don’t • Newsletter • First spamming in comments section • B b b B.B. bye • — — — — - Dan — — — 2006 Bower’s Castle Highscore B Dec 28 P-19 D-15 • On Dan’s MySpace • In living room • Yellow walls • Red carpet • On May • Fire place • Big old tv in corner • Starts w him walking on mat • Black socks and some sort of black sweatpants • V blurry • Black shirt • Ddr • Looks shorter • Uh let’s see • Ooh • Six misses only six • High score see 2009 Did you order some sex? Nov 3 P-22 D-18 • Wow link was broken • Same angle as hello internet • Tv with drawers • Shirt or something on top • Body bag still hanging from door • Hey everybody • Excited voice • YouTube actually removed for shocking images • Penis 3 ft long flowing blue • Rectal exams are so saintly • Text ARE YOU SRS • rant • New angle • Hair almost looks black • Sitting • Black long sleeve v neck w/ leaves? • Vloggy break from professional normal videos • Back from Halloween gathering • Met lots of people made friends • Got far too drunk *small laugh* • Looking down • This internet thing is crazy • New angle • White pants • Pulling them down • Blue underwear • Sorry didn’t make this vid yesterday • Tree fell on train tracks and he was standing there for ages • Your free socks are in the mail rn (butterfingers subscribers) • Bc that’s what I️t said- SOCKS • not secks • What kinda pervert would say that • Side note • How do you mail sex to somebody • Knocking on window • In mask and hood • Window door • White • Uh hi ups • Why you at the Back door • Free sex right to this house • BEND OVER • Looks at camera • Clip of him zooming in on screen with text ‘it’s over 5000!!’ • *dies* • Look what you did! • I’m going to get a not shit camera • You piece of crap (camera) • All see my hidious face in high quality *groan* • Follow me on twitter for interesting things I️ did • Woke up • Eating toast • Making orange squash • Kitchen is mess • So having a crap • Red underwear • Tmi • Dailybooth for naked photos • Has princess ketchup and kittens unrest • Stick finger YouTuber eating Google’s ass • Pure and innocent soul • Lazy Belemic • Smile • 10 points if you get that joke • So many jumpcuts • Proper video with tassels and everything • Heart hands I️ PUNCHED A BEAR IN THE FACE P-22 D-18 • Same angle but sitting • Hey guys • White ball by drawers • Joker tshirt • Echoy • Me and Amazing Phil in competition on clipstar.com • Votes money as prize • Amazing subscribers • Vote for me • Says via like vIa • Might not even have weekend job in few weeks • If he wins will buy camera • Committed to YouTube • Yellow carpet • Lexis videos • 90% so my audience is female • Doesn’t matter • I️t doesn’t matter if you’re 12 call me • Wink • Insecure • Radiating masculinity • Get back male audience • Puts on flannel • Manly cracked shirt and ginger facial hair • Man things • Beer out of special beer glass that’s not my dads • Eating raw meat • Biting Deer • Watches the football • Camping other week • Loincloth and pointy stick • Puts on bear costume • I’ll nut ya • Sigh • I️ don’t think this is working • Stick to sarcasm and humiliating myself What did YOU get for Christmas? Dec 25 P-22 D-18 • In room with Christmas blanket • Gradient small tree • Wrapping paper • Waking up • ITS CHRISTMAS AHHH EEEEE • not one of those people who hates Christmas bc I’m rly cool • Love Christmas • Fav day • Divine advent calander • Religious • Glory to god in highest etc • Inflict Christianity on me • Actually potrey Jesus family from Middle East • Not white • You to post video respond • Portal to Christmas memories • B/w jumpcut in muchdash • I️ got a *miidle finger* kill yourself f*ggot • Got- pants, socks • Truffle chocolates • Maltesers ‘so beautiful’ • Indoor fireworks • Evil laugh • Orange M.D. more chocolate? • Movie ‘Australia’??? • Loves I️t • Bailey alcohol • ‘Goodbye liver’ • Lol Christmas jumper • Shit ones • One solution puzzle? • Shirt grey • Book • Plaid pants • Sorry Mom never buy clothes for me • Twilight • Get out • Pretty awesome • Kill Bill- fav movie ever • Money • PHILS TOY • Goddam tonbury! • Hugs camera 2010 hi there Feb 27 P-23 D-18 • Holy fuck he’s in India • Birds in the background • OMGOMGOMG • Red t shirt • Towels over raining • Blue wall • Channel is danisnotintresting • All 8 hundred and something of you you super sneaky detectives • Am in middle of holiday in India • Palm trees and animals • Not horrible winterness I️ left behind • Drum • Hotel-PRESA di GOA • Bedroom- white sheets, dark, posts w curtains • WiFi • People talking in background during WiFi clip • Shirtless filming in mirror • Bathroom lighting is attractive • Breakfast area- outside grass hut roof things and chairs and tables • Swimming pool • Lagoon color surrounded by trees and some pool chairs- empty • Actual hut house things • Stone monkey on roof • Gardener watering plants • Black dog • India’s pretty cool • Nice and hot • Nice to wear shorts again • View from airplane • Back in UK now • Now can make more vids • See you all soon • *kiss* muah Aeroplane Adventures- with danisnotonfire Feb 28 P-23 D-18 • Unlisted but Danni BOI has made I️t unavailable I️t looks like • Ralph Lauren polo • Vlogging in mirror on plane • Hello and welcome to aeroplane bathroom adventures with Dan • Snuck into first class toilets • Lots of stuff • Giant • Airplane toilets scare him • Create black hole in room • Flushing toilet Uncle Ken Apr 14 P-23 D-18 • Note- unlisted for being generally awful but I️ won’t private I️t for archeological reasons (wtf does that mean?!?) • In grey sweater vest thingy • Better quality • Only the yellow wall as background • Just blog for first time- for many reasons • Wants to talk • Looks white • Where is his channel going • Style • Suck at posting regularly • Worst at doing anything • Idea sheet • Has to be five minutes epic • Twilights last • Video everyday in April • Considering I️t doing • Checking websites till dinner • Playing rock band till he goes to sleep • Singing bad romance • Maybe in aug • Going to Portugal with Phil in few days • Expect vid • In Manchester for next week • Mom got log cabin for garden • Outdoor shot • Lots of trees • Path to cabin • Staying at grandparents overnight • Weird shuffling noises outdoor • Door freaking open • Gown standing in doorway • Uncle was watching tv downstairs • Pretends to be sleep • 3 minutes I️t watches him • Rape me in sleep • I️t left after watching grandparents • He • Come upstairs now to uncle • Oh that’s uncle Ken • Relative of yours you haven’t met from up north • Dementia • Comment below • Had nice Easter • Bye bye LETS HAVE A QUICKIE Apr 30 P-23 D-18 • Black tee • Sitting on side of his bed • Waredrobe • Quickie vid • Interactive truth or dare next vid • 2nd channel suggests • Pick most entertaining • Some things that I️ wouldn’t pic • Not doing naked handstand on motorway • Oww... • Chocolate • Birds outside • Returning to dailybooth • Neglected I️t for last three months • Sign up • Fav online community • Phil stuffy ‘prized!’ • LucyX won peace of hair • Won competition for gimp • Shout out Phil for no dance vid • He was lazy • Shot Pinof 2 • Omm nom nom nom • Bloopers • Shut up at helicopters outside E3 2010! L.A. Vlog June 17 P-23 D-19 • In hotel • With Phil • In grey graphic tee • Phil in l blue polo • First few days for trip to La • Phil forgot they went to Disneyland • How could you forget we went to Disneyland • (Day 1) • Clip of coaster • Space mountain was awesome • Met American friends • More friendly than English people • Toy story 3 tournament • Is really good • Phil seems kinda out of I️t • Tron bags • Clip at Disney • Dan ‘tron bagssss’ • Someone legend of Zelda t shirt • Molly • Has tron bag • Blonde • Might wear I️t every day • Phil in purple • Dan in vest and twilights last • Phil is on light bike • World of color thing • Mufasa dies nvm rainbow • Going to make him remember • Segway tour • Venice beach tour • Dan loved I️t • Why don’t you get bike • Cut to shots • With blonde girl and dude • Dan segwayed wo hands • Pj? • Qued waiting for cirque de sol • Weird shoulder pads robes • Jump cut • Crazy • Kinect • Phil got to see press conference • Tonight get to see you story 3 • Best week ever • Funky playing around that wave been doing • Peace sign and three finger • Small world about to have soil ruptured • Phil roars SELF MUTILATION Jul 18 P-23 D-19 • In room on bed? • Grey patterned ish shirt • Worst habit • Suit on door • Cuts to him throwing off leopard print underwear and stabbing his dick • Wearing llama shirt in jumpcut • Leave spot on face alone • Dan has to remove I️t • Tiny red spot on face • I’ll just v subtly • Black screen screaming • *five minutes later* text on screen • Condiments and beef jerky on face • Over jumpcut with joker shirt • Going out tonight don’t want anyone to see • Side eyes • Add so reasons why Dan’s a fail • PO box • Danisnotonfire PO box 3612 Workingham RG40 9JL • England • Ik my subscribers • Don’t actually send me dead babies or underwear • Rawr argblarbleawblrwarblgablrbleweblbll Jul 26 P-23 D-19 • holy fuck Jamaica • ITS THAT ONE CLIP • plays with hair- look- wave- holds nose close eyes- splash underwater- opens eyes briefly while coming up • Wearing earrings Extreme Tubing Fail Aug 1 P-23 D-19 • ITS ANOTHER JAMAICA BLESS • people on tube • So after seeing that do you want to do I️t Phil? • Phil is so soft omg • Yeah • Two others on boat • One looks like driver • About to die • Girl • Dan likes I️t more than Phil • Both fall • Basically me and Phil died • Dan elbowed Phil in face Pelvic Thrusts Aug 12 P-23 D-19 • Danosaurs • L blue t shirt • In bedroom • Quick vloggy vid • Updated on life • Shit at vlogging • Kittens out shit • No scirpt • Just notes • Jamaica was fun • Not live in country with incests • Phil and him have bites everywhere • Everything wants to kill you more than people • To vids v proud of • We spent days editting them • Watch I️t again • Mortal combat scene was funny • Summer in city last weekend • Meet up in field for three days • Like 50 lovely people • Jonny Barum • Gave I️ Love you robot shirt • Intoxicating when gave I️t to him • Also a youtuber • He’s lovely • Charlieisso cool • It’s a hair flip • Phil is moving out • To own flat in Manchester • 14th floor • Looking forward to shooting vids there • Dump all my shit in his house stay there all time and eat his food • Truth or dare next vid • Outside with public • Send in YouTube message do t clutter comments • Fuck a duck • Promised people he would spon • Get featured uk • Spon • He’s made 4 vids without putting them up • This vid has gone but to shoutouts • Pelvic thrusts to make up for I️t • Bunch of perverts • I️ will upload 7 minute videos bc I’m awesome text at the end watch dan talk about a competition you helped him win Oct 5 P-23 D-19 • In bedroom at corner • Wearing grey vest thing and white t shirt • Spent long time editing • Uploading whatever to channel • Don’t expect good things • Invisible friends • Omg the editing • Clip star finalists • Vote for him and Phil • Terrible text • Win prizes for free • One of 30 postcards • Signed worn topman boxers • Steven Phil and His script • Pic chosen in glitter pen • Return to dailybooth • Vid of him and Phil dancing • Better channel layout • Happy dan full of smiles • Happiest Dan in world • See you guys soon University Life Oct 21 P-23 D-19 • In uni halls • Not askaban • On bed • Heart dude • Then Edward • Confusing 3 week’s • Settled • This place is actually beautiful • Joked I️t wold be horrible • Scenic window view • Piping in building • Vintage prison feel • No window kitchen • L shaped lounge • Fridge for 12 people • Exposed brick work • Hard working convicts that built this place • Zooms on someone on computer • Through window • Hello • Creeper text • Rly like room • Bat and gym and shops • Closest halls to lecture • Roll across halls in pjs • Marelyn drew his room across from rape factory • How does smoke say rape • Zoom on papers • Intense parting every night • Earlier this week • Him playing wit hair • Someone knocks on door • Hey what you doing • YouTube thing I️ do • Rightttt ok I’m I’ll leave you to I️t • Dan slaps his face • Forever alone meme • Thumbnail • Lesbian action • Sorry but he did try • Knocks on girls door • V pretty girl- purple nails, brown hair and tanned skin • Lizzie and Ellie upstairs • Indian accent • Wants to speak to girls • What do you want to speak to girls about • Oh I’m just making a video • Girl in grey beanie • Nicer room • Hi are you busy • No • Can you be thumbnail of my vid • Hot girl looks p uncomfortable other looks ok • V attractive • Take of all clothes and make out • Serious? Yes! • What are you filming • I️ tried • Post vid response • Showing uni halls • Aww kitty! • Hello! • What are you trying to say the game? 2011 Dan Mail Jan 16 P-23 D-19 • At uni • Sweatshirt grey • Guys aren’t fans • Periodically make them • Some text • T shirt • Dan is not on fire t shirt • Dead babies and underwear on paper • I️ love you Dan raffe • Drawing • Sticks up drawings on wall • Likes every time of music • Loves moulin rouge • Loves edge cronicals • Fav color gold • Bumto fav drink? • Can’t write back • Will email • Sabrina • PlZ don’t put glitter • Hello kitty • Team Jacob • Make twilight vid • Native American likes • Basketball bracelet • Matt Belemy heart hands • Pokémon drawing • Toy zebra • Unfold letter • Huge letter • Chain cow • Paper crane • Short attention span • Can’t say happy birthday to everyone • Silver candle • Evie • Freddie off skins • Big compliment • Hawaiian Punch mix • Lava • Kiss marks on envelope • He likes native Americans • Dan get the hula hoops off Phil • Condoms • Put butterfly tattoos on face • Earrings • Friend walked in on him in bathroom • Drink not for him • Dramatic music • Tampon with his face and Phil’s face on I️t • Few of them • Disturbed • Scared • Stains • Horror laughs • Beheaded doll • Decorates Wall • Heart hands • Why the hell have you watched • Space background • Shorter in future WORLD’S FASTEST COIN STACKER Feb 23 P-24 D-19 • In uni I️ think • Uni sweatshirt • Long time no see • Had haircut • Likes I️t • Guinness world record tried to get him to break his record • People cried over him cutting hair • He hated his hair • Phil wanted Dan to say he spent previous night asleep on someone’s floor so that’s why he looks like dying monkey • Me Phil Bryony Ed • (Paper lilies and eddplant) • Other non internet people • Omg that hair... • Fastest stack of coins • After ten minutes of practice • Dan’s teem has spit shirts • Phil’s has stripes • Phil’s stack falls • Then Dan’s • He blames everyone in room • Acted humble but I️t wasn’t ok • 38 secs • Phil is confident he can beat him • Dan says Phil is just a jumble of nerves • This is hilarious • Dan’s falls • 31.617 Phil has new record • One good thing has to happen to Phil in his life • Dan was happy for him • Shot to him crying on bed • Compete against roger black • Olympic • Fastest one handed toilet tool • Ik I️ look retardo • Cocky • Katie weasel • His roll failed • Dan disqualified • Final fantasy music sad • Never wipe him again • V sore loser lol • Went home last week • Suitcase full of letters • Falls off chair Dan Mail 2 Mar 3 P-24 D-19 • Uni • On red spinning chair • Necklace thing? • Can’t react • Happy birthday changes camera angle • Happy birthday at this point • Good friend who showed the video • Now he never has to do that again • Never not show a letter • Pink llama • Llama hat • Cool girls always wear them • He can’t bc he’s boy • In vid he will • Dan mobile drawing • How hair is? • Straighten I️t • Dan and Phil in lot of things • Says envelope weirdly • Dancing in underwear in pic • Naked playing xbox drawing • Talented creeper • Has to stop recording every letter • Retarded • Good work my minions- for laying down • Prize for whoever finds how many time he says awesome and incredible • Hello kitty • Silly band (OMG) • Justin Bieber stickers • Guessed Indiana • Looks like brendon urie • Seeing panic in April • I️ pad but didn’t have any spare ones • Kristen Stewart disabled face • Porn • The game • Fussing over camera quality • Teacher thought she’s weird for thinking microwave is onomatopoeia • Will there be Pinof 3 • Kisses from Bulgaria • Bebe from Bulgaria has friend • Summer time or vampire money fav song on album • Ties up hair • Looks like troll • Likes my dimples • Nickname- bear SCREAMMMMM • Placenta fav word • Pandas over koalas • Fav yougurt vanilla • Dogs over cat • Plays piano, drums, ocurina? • Oh dear another box... • Lots of love and blood • Another decapprd doll • Actual placenta ? • Another vid later • Updated wall • In apartment red • Tv episodes • Fiesta music • The game on his door PSYCHO FRENCH TEACHER Apr 22 P-24 D-19 • In dorm • Twilights last shirt • Danacodes • New series • 16 • Gcses • Thought he was good • Doctor brown • New teacher • Not mister- doctor • Woofs and meows • Friend joe • Dog biscuits in drawer • Broken cds • Coffee cups disappear • Dan saw coffee cup • 20 dirty coffee mugs • Everyone looked • Locking people in cupboard • Singing alpha theme song • Translate in French • Csi • Had clothes in drawers • All go home bc dr brown • Runaway teacher • awkward silence • I️ was abused as a child • Vanished • Hilarious teacher • Got C • Sadness • Pom bear massacure was good (last video) • Excited from Easter Dan Mail 3 May 11 P-24 D-19 • I️ love you robot shirt • In dorm • Sunglasses they fall • Conclusion to trilogy • Sorry for being ugly • Other idk • Summer here • Wasp • Guess 13 minutes • Cool names • John and Susan • Star sign is Gemini • Such a strong man • Never throws away • Likes girl band kpop • Another boy yayyy • Not going to small things • Drops camera • Also lovemaking wrist accessories • Danmark • Plays wow • Another boy yes • Card that represents maturity • Where’s free socks? • 2005 on MySpace likes into shakari • I️ must be depressed • Ninja Jew • Tongue tattoos • Does one • Fire • Banana trumpet edit fail • Handlebar mushdash would suit him • Fantasy about you in bed bath fantasy about cutting him open while naked Phil watches tied up • Bra • Playboy perfume • Valentines cards for him and Phil • Would be breaking guidelines if shown • Creepy doll with hair • O_____x • Next dan mail at home bc he’s going home for spring break • Text saying it’s now may 11 and already filmed I️t • Delia Smith Gamer girls are HAWT June 7 P-24 D-19 • At Phil’s place • Graphic tee • Bi annual vlog • Raped and pillaged by vids • Filming at his flat for no reason • Background boring jazz I️t up • Gets pillow • Hair at lion mane • 2nd June finished exams • Woke up in morning of each exam and wrote notes • Don’t-do-don’t deserve to pass • Paying to procrastinate • Good luck! • I️t only gets worse as u get older • Last year in La... • Don’t like Wii U • But u probs don’t care • Do girls like games • Mario with grandma • Guitar hero is good • Question applies to boys too • Going to be 20 • Tramantic • Complete child • Youngest youtuber • Still young and pretty • Vyou • Redesigning website • 5000 unanswered • Going back soon • Video ideas • Would you rather • Him and friend playing • Don’t know you friend will be lol • Phil • PHIL IS WEARING CORNIELA SHIRT I️ THINK • mildly sexual • Ask me ask me ask me! • Byeeee • Totoro dancing • Delia Smith I️ Am Mexican Aug 15 P-24 D-20 • In Phil’s place • In black couch • Time machine • Was in Sicily for two weeks • Zelda? Watercolour shirt • Shorts • Looks black/ Mexican • P offensive • Jumpcut to his room • Clothes everywhere • Filmed two things at Sicily • Snorkelling • Jumpcut • Bright blue trunks • Music • Evil Black Sea urchins • Death balls • Last day at catacombs • Dead bodies • Freaky but awesome • Wall of dead babies • Reading festival • Reading and Leeds • Every year at end of August • Wristbands • Been for last four years • Doche patrol • Thin wrists so they make him look less like Ethiopian orphan • Nice to have color • Pictures • With two guys and girl sitting at knees • Other dude • One guy has purple hair • Tents • Best moments in live • Good camper • Did I️ mention I’m going with Phil • Come stalk me • Looking forward to mcr • Muse is reason he and Phil had to go • Twilights last • 10th anniversary • Origin of symmetry his and Phil’s all time fav album • Highlight • Lost Dan Mail 4 video file • Comment best live bands • Muse, arcade fire, the prodigy, rage against machine, panic • Shorts • Red pants • His and Phil’s new apartment • Gif of him on breakfast bar • Bloopers • Traditionally Aeroplane Adventures 2- with danisnotonfire Sept 15 P-24 D-20 • Saying title • Zoom on face • Had cold which is why he sounds like duck • Chris and pj • Chris won contest • Phil next to Dan • Free seats • Cheese tray and chicken salad • Lemon scented hand towel • Free champagne • Phil laughs • Phil shouted at him for blowing bubbles • *embarrassed Phil wishes I️ didn’t exist • Coffin toilets • Us four are least business class people • There is not enough business in this class • Theo pthetis • From dragons den • On same flight • Phil pointed I️t out • Anticlimax • In robe endscreen • Music EPIC PRANK OFF! Dec 1 P-24 D-20 • In room at new apartment • Bright blue shirt • Wirrow drawing above bed • Blue stripped pillows • Tv in side • Guitar hero stuff • Other side of bed • Video contest • Prank off • From mr wiggly things • Don’t prank pets • Pillow on door and Phil walks in • Phil wearing plaid blue • Do you want a Ribena- yeah please- shoots him- • On laptop • Party popper • Phil in shower • Robert Patterson • Porn on computer • Salt in coffee • Their laughs sound same aw • Dribbled all over himself • Goes to get dan • Washes out mouth • 500 pounds • 5 best get Danisnotonfire tshirt • Powder in Phil’s hair dryer • On same side of bed • I️ hate you • Worst day ever • Making sequel to this called death of Dan If Dan was a Suerhero.. Dec 21 P-24 D-20 • On couch against wall • Party tricks • Flip wrists • Dining room table • Pick up chicks • Hippo noise • Film chronicle shirt video contest • Satrodophone poke song • Polar bears on face • Phil says he isn’t talented • Llamas kill everyone • Famous places • World becomes llama • Calming music at end 2012 Narcoleptic Laptop Feb 3 P-25 D-20 Deleted PRANK WINNERS! Deleted danisnotonfire Next Vlogger! May 6 P- 25 D-20 • Sitting on bed, camera is facing door • Joker t shirt • Bulky computer • Black comforter • Blue, black, and tan ish pillow • My name is dan • Known as Danisnotonfire • Made YouTube account 2006 • Oct 12, 2006 • Was 14 years old (haha same as me!) • And nothing I️ could do about I️t • British from Workingham • Currently lives in Manchester • Tell people stories of horrific experiences to himself • Near death experiences- Jamaica jumping off cliff clip plays • Cut to Manchester uni sweatshirt annoying people in cinemas • Time mum red browsing history • Llama hat in that • Vlogging communicates with people on personal level • When he says he stabbed someone bc no left hand scissors an gets comment ‘FAG’ • User blurred out • Think got wrong one • PaigeeStudd- basically saying I️ feel you • Makes I️t worthwhile • Channel is support group for people who hate peoples • Excited *effects* about next vlogger take vids to next level • Tapes lamp shade to ceiling for lighting • Better vids to laugh at • Danisnotonfire outro SuperNote 2012- THE LLAMARMY Oct 1 P- 25 D-21 • Black screen w/- “we are interrupting the normal Dan broadcasting schedule.” • Woah Dan this isn’t a Thursday • In living room • Eclipse shirt • Thursday still happening • Looks bare- old shelf • Team captain of supernote 2012 • Wearing bracelet? • Ended up winning • 2008 • YouTube community • Longest note out of mouth • You guys if want to join my team • Sexy, sad, manly • Video response • Police car outside • Team name: llamarmy • P big deal • You guys post vid responses, bullying him in comments, edit his face onto giraffes • Sweatpants grey • Longest note, llama hat and danasaur t shirt • And personal note • Others win totoros and wrist bands • Wow old vid • Phil comes in • Wearing grey make videos everyday shirt • Aww Phil looks so cute • Phil’s going to win • High five that hurts • Phil wearing llama hat • Phil lower note • ‘Dan you are so hot’ written below • Dan lasts longer • Underdogs • Get lots of people • Deadline Oct 31 • Danisnotonfire outro • Galaxy end Life’s Unanswerable Questions Oct 12 P-25 D-21 • Collab with Alex day • Wearing multicoloured tee • Sitting in front of fire place • Tetris lights • Hello internet • Unanswerable questions annoy • Found website in comic sans • Erradicate I️t • He likes to share opinions • What came first chicken or egg- egg • Tree would make sound • Bothers him • Ate tounge what would taste like • Tried to fail and succeed what have you done • Dan answers with sandwhich • Color is mirror • I️t has no color • Chameleon • Car at speed of light turn on headlights • Paradox • Can guy names nick have nickname • 4 out of 5 diahrea enjoy I️t? • Marsquakes-no • What is the speed of dark • Why can’t woman put mascara on with mouth closed • Dictionary in dictionary? Yes • What is meaning of life • Sirens • Best way to lose weight- cut self in half • Dan believes in aliens • Aliens aren’t going to look weirder than jellyfish • Bus driver closedoor • Can cry underwater • How old would you be if didn’t know your age • Someone vanished w/o trace how do people know missing • Timmy for a decade • Don’t try to get people to like you for the wrong reasons • Outro • Sexy endscreen dance • More interesting than space endscreen Men vs Women Dec 8 P-25 D-21 • On couch • B/w Brit flag pillow • Camp and grey t shirt • Earrings that are multicoloured • Which sex has is harder • Cat ears • Carrie • Opinions aren’t meant to be taken seriously black screen • Hit I️t rn • Getting kicked in balls or giving birth • Rly hurts • Guys never ask to be kicked in ball again • Squeezing watermelon out of ass • Dan wasn’t aware girls couldn’t lie on front • Nipples are useless • Joy of lactation • Man can’t have multiple orgasms • Sucks • Men get arosed and no one knows • Old ladies read 50 shades • Think grandma • Men can pee standing up and that sucks • Girls can multitask • What is so bad about periods • Don’t get into argument • Don’t ask if I’m Period • Dan had done that • Bleeding out of penis forever • Women live longer • Men don’t understand women have I️t harder • Women win • Debated in comments • Both sexy endscreen 2013 GOOD NEWS EVERYONE Jan 12 P-25 D-21 • In living room • Black long t shirt • So cold • Spicky jumper from topman • Jump in jeans • Repression how hardcore he is while life • Ryan from X factor wearing I️t • Burn I️t? • Mouse in bedroom • Trying to catch I️t humanity • BBC radio 1 • Phil comes next to him • Phil’s been making him not swear • Every Sunday unless they get fired • Watch entire show • 7-9 pm • Phil in blue sweashirt • Schedules • He’s loosey goosy uploading • Shit looking photos need more of • YouTube angry mob • You tubers don’t follow through • Dan Unspecific • Video on school • Never really talked about • Have nice day unless I’m Jamaica then I hate you bc you’re warm • Endscreen zooming on house objects w/ sexy music 2014 Dan and Phil SIM SURPRISE PHONE CALL! Dec 18 P-27 D-23 • In gaming room • Dan in horn hoodie • Phil in purple sh jumper • No pillows in back • Surprise calling random person • Phil is scared • Awkward on phone • Oh my goddd • Person is freaking out • Casey • Was just doing hw • English hw about them • How much she fangirls about them • Did you see photo of dan at bbc in Dino onesie • Not saying I️ hate but that was terrible • Told Phil about cat dying on YouTube • Watching for 2 Years • Collab- so many favs • Fav animal llama • Sorry about Phil • I️ need to tweet about this • That was so funny • Animal impression helps • Maybe next victim 2015 HOW TO PARTICIPATE IN THE DAN AND PHIL TOUR Oct 4 P- 28 D- 24 • Sitting in theatre looking behind chairs • Lots of stuff on stage • Rehearsal space • Dan in eclipse • Phil in constallion lion • 5 days • More tickets • Oct 8- Nov 4 • Danandphilbook.com • Want audience participation • Come hour early • 7 sec, weird kid, isg, crafts • P.O. box videos from back in day • Might not be able to keep I️t • Thinking about people from rest of world • Dan winks • Phil does I️t too to help 2016 HOW TO PARTICIPATE IN THE DAN AND PHIL TOUR! April 19 P-29 D-24 • In dressing room • From 360? • Dan in plain black t • Phil in show attire • Sup-a-de-fiddle • Dried mango • Cool creative ways • Arrive early • 7 sec, • Show box • Weird kid, show examples • Craft examples • No bigger than medium otter • Can’t keep them • Phil said mems • Chow • For now • Was that necessary? HOW TO GET INVOLVED IN #TATINOF Aug 12 P-29 D-25 • In same room • Oh it’s same video lol

[poop4u]

New Job, Who Dis?

#Poop4U

Some of you may remember this merry rag tag gang of misfits and the insane woman who runs herself ragged trying to keep up with them.

If you remember us, you probably wonder where the heck we’ve been, and why the radio silence in Blog Land. Well The Food Lady has been real busy, inventing The Hover Dog(tm).

Har har har.

I wish that’s what I was doing. I got a new “actual” job a couple months ago, because as much as I love photography, it does not bring home the bacon for me. Which makes me sad, because I like it a lot. And my new job leaves basically zero time to do it. At all. The hours are disgustingly terrible, the commute is brutal and the job itself hovers (har har har) somewhere between mindnumbingly boring and horrifically horrible with respect to how it’s managed (I mean above me, as I’m the manager). It pokes little holes in the fabric of my animal-welfare-background heart every day. But I have many things to feed, so I drag myself out of bed (sometimes at 3:45AM, sometimes at 6AM, depending which shift I’m on) and go, and I HATE IT WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING.

And speaking of Things, I managed to find a home for this one last week.

Never been so happy to see the backend of a red dog in my life. That puppy plum wore me out with her constant nonsense. She craned her evil giraffe neck over a babygate while I was in the shower and pulled down my favourite Bench jacket and chewed up the zipper, on both sides. It wasn’t even a dog coat, it didn’t even have tasty cookie smells in the pockets. She pissed on my dogs beds and I had to buy all new ones. There is not a blanket in the house without several holes in it. That dog is at LEAST a two person job, so I went to visit her potential home and hopped into my van and drove away while they were (foolishly) oohing and ahhing over her adorableness. SUCKERS!!!

Even my dogs breathed a collective sigh of relief when they realized she wasn’t coming back home with us. The Thing made Maisie look laid back!

Maisie, who will play fetch with literally anything.

Whenever I think of the people who passed on this smart girlie, I hug her just a little more tightly (which she objects to, LOUDLY, because it’s not playing fetch). I am so lucky to have her, she is just oodles of fun, and such a good girl. The other day we were playing ball in the off leash area and her ball (like her Best Dog Ever predecessor Tweed, she has A Ball that she will play with, and if it goes missing, she will not play with another ball without some serious pre-game pouting.)(It’s not the same as playing fetch with Literally Anything, these are two different games) bounced over the fence into a hard-to-reach place.

The off leash area is entirely fenced. The ball bounced over the fence as far away from the gate as possible. She knows she is not allowed to go out the *property* gate on the road (plus it was closed anyway), so damned if my smart girl didn’t go out the gates, run all the way along the outside of the off leash area in the parking lot, bushwhack through the blackberries and then run through the neighbour’s field and find her ball.

Then, like the shining star that she is, she retraced her steps and came back the same way she went and resumed our game of fetch. How brilliant is she? When she was about 7 months old I offered her to Canines for Conservation because she will do anything to find and retrieve her ball and has a work ethic that just won’t quit, but they felt she was too young (they like them 10 months and up). I am so glad they refused her, because my life would be a lot less shiny without her in it. Aside from her ear piercing bark (and her literal ear piercing of Dexter when she chases him down), she is just awesome. I love her so.

She can even get Winter to play with her, and Winter is far too weird and full of social anxiety to play with anyone other than his sister (or maybe she’s not his sister; doG knows the Woo “not-related-even-a-tiny-bit” TWoo fooled us all for years!).

And speaking of the Dastardly Duo…they’re both doing great, given they are old as dirt and I have effectively abandoned them for 11 hours a day in their old age. I bring Dexter and the two Littles to work, the rest of the dogs stay home. We try to play some fetch either before work or after I get home, depending on the shift, but the WooTWoo don’t play fetch, so they find life rather boring these days. So yesterday, my day off, Auntie Michelle and I piled them all in my van and took them to our old stomping grounds where I used to walk dogs, and we spent two hours decompressing in the cranberry fields. This is where Wootie’s resurrected Flamboyance(tm) chose to shine.

Look at that thing! It has fully recovered from its brush with shaving over a year ago thanks to that nasty infection he got. I am so glad to see it again. I am, however, not allowed to touch it still. Woo had gotten cantankerous in his old age and gets all snarly when I try to brush him (which is ironic, because without brushing, he is ALSO all snarly).

TWooie was having a good time too (lots of gross dead things to roll in, apparently) until he snagged and tore his front dew claw (AGAIN. Dog has the most feeble dewies in the world) and had to be carried out to solid ground because the cranberry plants kept snagging on the mangled claw. He was sad. I was also sad, because he’s heavy and super awkward to carry.

But we all needed the exercise and the time out in nature. It was so nice to see my crew running around being deliriously happy. It almost makes me regret giving up the dog walking gig, even though I was dead broke all the time.

This is a photo of Peetie. She’s still dumb as a sack of hammers. However, she was a godsend when we had The Thing…she entertained her for hours at a time, taught her to play tug with toys and wrestled patiently with her when the other dogs were all hiding from the Thing Tornado, even when The Thing got snappy and overstimulated…Peetie is truly awesome with annoying foster puppies.

Dexter is awesome at work … he stays behind a gate on the stairs behind my desk and he lures all of our clients over to pet him through the gate and tell him how handsome he is. He of course cannot hear them, but he knows what they’re saying. He knows how handsome he is.

He has a lump in his back along his spine so we went to visit Dr. Erica to have it checked out as it has recently gotten bigger. She examined it and said “It looks like a cyst. Ooooh, I want to squeeze it so bad!” What is it with you vet/tech types and your all encompassing urge to squeeze fluids out of dog lumps? The techs at the shelter LIVED for that shit too. You’re all disgusting!

Anyway, she did a needle thingie and cytology and it was indeed full of cyst material, but not the gooey kind, so she recommended we leave it alone until he’s under for something else … “like when you get his teeth cleaned!” she said, as she flipped up his lip to look at his teeth. “….or not,” she then said, because his teeth are fantastic (*chuffed*). So lumpy will remain lumpy unless the cyst gets too big to be ignored.

This is also the only photo of Spring you will see in this post, as she was too busy hunting all the imaginary critters out there. She ran so much that she slept all afternoon and evening.

No photos of Fae either, because she was too itty bitty to be seen in the cranberry fields … she was just some hair and floppy ears bouncing in and out of focus.

How come whenever I take a group photo, everyone looks very serious except for Dexter? How come he only has two facial expressions?? (this one and Mad Teeth(tm))

Anyway, it’s my last day off and I have 400 million things to do before work tomorrow, because I have no time to do anything on the days I am working. Maisie says we better get some ball time in before that happens (or any time, ever, why am I not a millionaire so I can spend all my time playing with her etc.)

Tell me what you think I should do for an actual living, because I can’t seem to come up with anything I want to do, and doG knows I don’t want to do what I am doing right now. You are smart peoples, help a sad, grouchy, tired sistah out.

ETA – oh I forgot, I was supposed to add this!

When I had the WooTWoo DNA tested, and learned they weren’t even a teensy bit the same breed(s) make up, they ran a “relatedness” test on them to see if maybe they had, like, same mom but different dad. Turns out they did not. It’s more sciencey than my pithy little grey matter can comprehend, but some of you s-m-r-t people might be interested to learn more about it on their blog post here.

Poop4U Blog via www.Poop4U.com The Food Lady, Khareem Sudlow

[juggieheadcoopers-blog]

Hey! If you're still taking Bughead requests, could you do one where Betty gets hurt in some way and Jughead fixes her up? Thanks!!!

Here you go!! 

Summary: Betty and Veronica have gotten into a car accident in which they were run off the road by a mysterious vehicle behind Veronica’s apartment building and Jughead rushes over there to check on them

A/N: My thought while writing this was that this could be a prequel to my kidnapping fic, Missing (Part 1 and Part 2) or it could be a standalone. However you want to read or interpret it!

–

Jughead flew through the front door of Veronica and Hermione Lodge’s apartment, the hinges bending so far back that they screeched in protest as they hit the door stopper with a bang.

“Veronica, are you guys okay?” Jughead asked, his voice full of panic as he frantically searched the room for any sign of trouble. “What happened? Where’s Betty?”

“We’re fine, Jughead,” Veronica assured him, dropping the icepack from her elbow and crossing the room to stand adjacent to his position in front of the couch. “We’re just a little scraped up. Betty is-”

Before she could finish her sentence, a bruised-up Betty emerged from the restroom, her tear-streaked face red and puffy from the trauma of the evening.

“Betty!” Jughead sprinted across the room to take her face in his hands, turning her cheeks this way and that as he inspected every inch of it for scrapes that weren’t visible on the surface.

“Juggie,” Betty whispered, her voice barely audible as she struggled to speak over her bruised lip. “I’m okay, I swear. It looks way worse than it is.”

“It looks like there’s a cut the size of the iceberg that sank the titanic currently seeping blood from your forehead,” Jughead pointed out, his fingers hovering over the wound as he examined the severity of the cut.

“A tad dramatic - but yeah, that about sums up the situation,” Betty muttered, her nails digging into her arm as Jughead poked the bruise in just the wrong spot. “Ow!”

“Sorry,” Jughead mumbled, tugging on her elbow as a way to lead her to the other side of the apartment where the kitchen was located. “Here, come into the light so I can get a better look at it.”

Jughead tilted Betty’s chin back and forth as he tried to find the angle that would allow him to see the damage of the scrape in the best light.

“It doesn’t look that deep, but we should still get it checked out just in case,” Jughead explained, already pulling out Archie’s car keys from his back pocket so they could head to the hospital.

“No doctors,” Betty insisted, her forehead wrinkling in concern as she placed a hand over the keys he held in his hand.

“Bets, come on you could have a concussion or-”

“Juggie, I just-” Betty sighed, taking a step away from Jughead to lean over the counter, her gaze locking on the detailed speckles in the marble of the countertop. “Can we just sit here for a few minutes? You and me?”

“I don’t know, Bets, I’m really worried that you’ve lost too much blood and-”

“Please,” Betty begged, her eyes pleading with him as she pushed herself off the counter to take Jughead’s hands in her own. “I was really scared tonight and all I could think about the entire time was getting through it just to spend a few moments alone with you. Please, give me that right now. And we can deal with the rest later.”

Jughead sighed after a moment, his fingers pushing back a loose strand of hair that had fallen from her ponytail, away from her face. “Well how can I say no to that?”

“You can’t,” Betty smirked, a look of accomplishment over this victory evident in her expression. “It’s physically impossible.” 

“You cruel, cruel, woman,” Jughead muttered, one eyebrow raising in amusement as he watched Betty triumphantly cross her arms in front of her chest.

“That’s me,” Betty shrugged, her smile growing even wider, but then immediately fading as the pain began to prickle all over her lips and forehead.

“Okay, you win,” Jughead conceded. “But you at least have to let me put a bandage over that. I think there’s a first-aid kit in Veronica’s medicine cabinet.”

“Deal,” Betty agreed, stepping out of the way so that Jughead could leave the kitchen and head to Veronica’s bathroom.

A few minutes later, Jughead was unraveling the gauze that he found stashed at the bottom of the little red trunk Hermione Lodge had stocked full with medical supplies that she kept in the guest bathroom. Setting it to the side of the counter, Jughead picked up the tube of antibiotic ointment and began applying it to the cotton swab before holding it over Betty’s wound.

“This might sting a little,” he warned, adjusting the swab in his hand and gently placing a hand on Betty’s cheek.

“Mother of - ow!” Betty shrieked, jerking away from his touch as her hand flew up to shield her wound. “Juggie!”

“Bets, I haven’t even touched you yet,” Jughead informed her, lifting up the untouched bandage and cotton swab as proof.

“I know, but I’m consciously aware that you’re about to and the anticipation of that is making me all jumpy,” Betty explained, squirming uncomfortably in her seat on the stool before reluctantly turning back to Jughead.

“It’s okay, just take a deep breath - good, now close your eyes and focus on my voice,” Jughead instructed in a soothing voice. Once Betty had done as she was told, Jughead gently smoothed back her hair and began to dress the wound. “Think about the day we took a stroll in that little park off the highway - the one with the fairy lights wrapped around the gazebo and the picnic tables overlooking the duck pond. You were so worried about that big history test - the one that made Veronica resort to emptying all the chocolate bars out of the vending machine and eating every single one of them in the stall of the girls bathroom. Do you remember?”

“Of course I remember,” Betty assured him, soft laughter escaping her lips as the memory of that day flashed across her mind. “She wouldn’t stop complaining about the amount of pimples that kept popping up on her face all week. I thought I was going to have to rob a dermatologist’s office for all the best acne cream just to keep her mind at ease.”

“Yeah, and you almost did,” Jughead added, lightly rubbing Betty’s scrape with the cotton swab and setting it on the counter. “Anyway, to make you feel better I took you to that gazebo and I waited for the sun to set and the lights to flicker on in the dim glow of twilight and I told you that story about the time my parents took us to the zoo for Jellybean’s fourth birthday.”

Betty smiled at the memory, her eyes still shut tight as Jughead finished cutting a piece of gauze and gently placed it over her wound. “All she wanted to do the entire day was stand around the giraffe exhibit feeding them treats and pretending that she was one of them.”

“Up until my dad bought her the biggest ice cream cone he could find,” Jughead finished for her, securing the gauze into place and turning in his stool to put the materials back into the first-aide kit.

“And she got so close to the fence that the giraffe just scooped it right out of her hand,” Betty continued, her lips curling into an amused smile as she recalled the ending to the story that she had heard a dozen times.

“Cone and all,” Jughead concluded, shutting the lid of the first-aide kit and securing the latch. “She wouldn’t stop crying. I thought that she was going to make herself sick until-”

“Until you ran all the way back to the ice cream vendor to buy her one of each flavor,” Betty recalled, her eyes opening ever-so-slightly as they struggled to find his gaze. “I love that story.”

“I know,” Jughead breathed, reaching up to run his thumb gently along the apple of her cheek to wipe away an unwanted smudge of mascara. “And do you know why I told it to you that day? Why I chose that one specific moment?”

“To distract me,” Betty answered. “So that I’d stop worrying about that stupid history test and focus on being in the moment with you.”

“Yeah, and it worked,” Jughead informed her, his finger moving up the side of her cheek to rest near her freshly-bandaged cut on her forehead. “Kinda like now.”

Betty’s gaze followed his arm, causing her own hand to fly up to feel the gauze resting comfortably on her forehead.

“You put the bandage on,” Betty pointed out. “I didn’t feel a thing.”

“Exactly,” Jughead whispered, leaning forward to flick the tip of her nose playfully with his index finger before hopping off the stool and scooping the first-aide kit into his hands. 

“You’re good,” Betty complimented him, taking a cautious step off the stool to join him in front of the refrigerator. “I like when you take care of me like this.”

“I like it too,” Jughead admitted, taking her hand in his and smiling down at her. “But don’t make a habit of this whole getting hurt business. That, I’m not too fond of.”

“I’ll try my best,” Betty promised, and Jughead turned on his heel to head back to the bathroom to return the medical supplies. “Hey, Juggie?”

Jughead turned back to raise a curious eyebrow in her direction. “Yeah, Bets?”

“Thank you,” Betty whispered, any thoughts of the car accident that she and Veronica had endured only a few hours ago already -almost- forgotten. “You always know how to make me feel better.”

“I could say the same about you,” Jughead admitted. “Although, all I have to do is see that smile of yours and I forget that anything else - or anyone else - exists beyond Betty Cooper. I don’t know what I would have done if I would have lost you tonight.”

Betty quickly crossed the kitchen to throw her arms around him, burying her head in his chest as she let the warmth of his body wash over her.

“You don’t ever have to worry about that again, okay?” Betty assured him, turning her head slightly to meet his eyes. “I promise.”

–

They both wanted to believe those words - the promise of safety and comfort that all young couples wish for the other. But in a town like Riverdale, where the air you breathe is coated with secrets and lies, they knew it was unlikely that a promise like that was never going to be broken. They knew, but they hoped beyond hope that they were wrong. 

Turns out that hope wasn’t enough. 

**Read Missing Part 1 and 2 to find out what happens next**