#at this point the band really needs to intervene with how their fans are acting because if they are the ones responsible for this...

[nicka-nell]

Pairing: Suna x reader, Semi x reader, best friend Atsumu x reader

Note: Rockstar/Band-AU, angst, hurt, mdni, SMAU

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The mood was different when you came into your band room for the daily rehearsal. Atsumu walked past you and out of the room looking pissed off. Kita looked disappointed yet he and Osamu both couldn’t really look at you. Suna was acting differently too. Restless somehow. The only one who, as always, sat calmly on a chair and drank her latte macchiato was Yuki.

Even though you knew something was unusual, you still asked why everyone was so tense. Silly… Silly that you were truly worried. Because what followed was like a slap in the face.

“You know, babe, I need to talk to you about something. I know you’ll understand...” Suna began. But no, you couldn’t understand it. Suna’s words just hurt. Just the idea that he would agree to kick you out, the actual founder of the band. You, the heart of the band�� Back then, he looked at you with loving eyes, told you how beautiful your voice was and that he couldn’t get enough of it. And now you’re supposed to leave the band that you dreamed of so hard as students because of your voice, because of your lyrics? The band that has always been your biggest dream, your greatest pride? You can’t even put into words how much his words hurt you. How betrayed you feel.

Therefore, it was predictable that the conversation would not end with understanding, as Suna had expected, but would become increasingly heated. Your voice got louder and louder, as did Suna’s. Objects flew across the room, tears rolled down your face. Kita had already suspected that it was a bad idea to pick Suna of all people for the conversation. Using your boyfriend, of all people, to tell you to leave the band. After all, it’s not just the band that connects you two. What a bad idea… He and Osamu want to intervene, wanting to stop you getting even more heated, but Suna’s next words silence you in one blow.

"Shit, don’t you get it? Nobody wants to hear your shitty voice! Nobody wants to hear your boring run-of-the-mill lyrics! Your songs suck and the fans tell us all the time, but you just want to live on in your delusional world full of flowers! Open your goddamn eyes!"

Everything is quiet... no one is talking. Everyone just looks at Suna with wide eyes. Even Yuki, who has been watching your argument rather indifferently, gives him a puzzled look. Your lyrics are boring... your voice is bad... one, two... no, it feels like a thousand stabs straight into your heart. Suna notices how your eyes water again, realizes that his words have come out in a rage. Words he never really wanted to say, never meant to say. “Babe, I-” but he doesn’t even manage to get another word out as you interrupt him immediately.

“Shut the hell up...” you say, looking at the others, asking them if they approve... if they are also in favor of you leaving. None of them have enough courage to look directly at you. Kita is the only one who shakes his head, standing rooted to the spot and seems speechless. Again you look at Suna. “That was our band! Our baby! And now you want to kick me out? Because fame is more important to you than the people in the band?” you scream and point your finger at him, pressing it to his chest while you look at him with nothing but lack of understanding. Suna just stares at you, unsettled.

“Fine. Fine... I’m gonna go. I’ll go and I’ll gladly leave you damn fake people behind. I can’t believe it. Hope you guys get really famous and choke on it. Especially you Suna Rintarou! Disgusting! And we… you and me, we’re done for good. Don’t even think about contacting me. We’re done.” You spit furiously before grabbing your bag and leaving without so much as a glance at the others.

But Suna’s hand reaches for your wrist. He stops you and turns you back to him. As if he couldn’t understand your outburst of anger. Yet you immediately pull your hand away from him again. “I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean it like that. I just want what’s best for the band. For all of us.” Suna says, his voice barely louder than a whisper, and for a moment you really think he regrets his words. That he realized what an asshole he had just been. But the hope disappears immediately with his next words.

“Please, just think about what I said again when you’re unemotional. We can talk again later, okay? When you’ve calmed down a bit and can think clearly again.” He looks at you seriously, a slight smile on his lips. You fight not to slap him right in the face. You are speechless. Who is this man in front of you? Definitely not the Suna you met back in your school days.

“You want me to cool down? After what you said to me? No. We... we are so done! Done! I don’t want to see your face anymore. I don’t want to hear your voice anymore. I don’t want you to text me or try to contact me in any other way. Done means done. This is a breakup. And this is final, Suna Rintarou!” Without even giving him a chance to react to your words, you look at the other members one last time, giving them a look that says ‘I’m also done with you’, before you turn around and slam the door shut with a loud bang.

"I can't believe it. Was that really necessary, Rintarou?" Kita mumbles before he also dashes out, checking if you're still there but you're already gone.

[astrolaurical]

sorry to sound apathetic towards idols and their personal struggles but what do they expect their fans to do? its up to the idol themselves to get themselves the help they clearly need, their audience is as mentally ill as the idol then it says a lot about what the idol is actually promoting, all the bad toxic things to young fans. drinking on stage? really is that how lowly these concerts have become, ive turned away from bands for this very reason i do not want to see a band member of any group drunk on stage what are people paying a lot of them for? a decent performance. u either have to have ur head screwed on properly or its going downhill for them.

sorry to also say this but got7 never gave me good vibes, u guys clearly dont know who u are following when u get into idol groups so again the expectations that u expect them to not have scandals is baffling more to the point if an idol of their agency is clearly going through something only they can intervene. i dont know what anyone else is expected to do in such cases. we see an idol behind the screen yes they have it hard but they always fail to look at what their fans do for them and how little they seem to appreciate the things they have been able to bring people which should be good solid performances. im so tired of pitying idols especially those who chose to sign their life away they do that then ruin it for themselves and others. jackson will become another liam payne if he doesnt get his act together and this is why im against people having fame at a young age. it changes the, negatively in a short span of time they go from thinking they are all that their fans view them for and then it gets to their head and they start drinking and doing drugs. seen it too many times been in too many fandoms to know this is how it always turns out. if they dont have a good head on their shoulders they always let fame get to them in the worst possible ways.

and the fact that ordinary people are expected to "understand" what people in the public eye experience is mind boggling too, i dont care to know cause i dont know idols and i dont know them or their problems. if ur trying to be a good role model then drinking on stage its not exactly what they set out to do? its problematic behaviour that gets excused as a reason for oh he or she is calling out for help. bullshit. if it was an ordinary person nobody would batter an eyelid at them. but when its an idol everyones all woe is the idol.

[lonely-t0wn]

What do you mean by disgusting fanbase Justine? Genuine question, I'm new to the Victim-hood!! 🙏🏽As in conservative tr*mp fans? 🤮

Ok this is going to be long, i’m sorry. I’m putting it under a cut but the TL;DR version is this: 

A lot of people feel that TK’s response to the blm movement has not been enough, and they have been met with hostility from other fans in response. Being a fan does not mean blindly following and loving every single thing the band says and does. People who call them out when they make a mistake can still be fans and are speaking from a place of love. It is absolutely disgusting to me that predominately white fans are trying to silence the voices of fans of color and are ignoring the legitimate pain and anger they feel right now. The job of white allies right now is to listen to the voices of POC, especially Black voices--even if that means taking a hard, critical look at yourself or people you look up to and are a fan of. TK’s lack of addressing the issue adequately has fostered a fanbase that believes attacking fans for criticizing the band is ok. It’s not. Something needs to be done.

TK obviously have a very large white fanbase--there are memes and jokes about it, but it is unarguably true. Many fans tend to be conservative, possibly in part due to the band’s very clean-cut attitude. I think a lot of the more extreme conservative fans left after the band released Land of the Free in January 2019, as it addressed a lot of issues in the USA such as gun violence/mass shootings, racial discrimination, and the penitentiary system. The band faced some backlash from right-wing fans who were upset that the band was “getting political.” Obviously I can’t speak for what other people feel/believe, but i think it’s safe to say there are still plenty of right-wingers in the fanbase. 

Over the last few weeks a lot of very...uh i guess intense, to put it nicely, fans who are unable and unwilling to look at their faves critically have exhibited some deeply upsetting behavior towards anyone speaking up about TK’s very lackluster response to the black lives matter movement, especially Black fans and non-Black fans of color. 

More recently, a lot of fans have spoken up about the watered-down response to the blm movement that TK has shown. Many of these fans are POC, and while sometimes their comments have been blunt and are clearly coming from a place of frustration and anger, they have been completely justified. Instead of listening to what these fans are saying, many (white) fans have attacked them, yelled at them, belittled their concerns, and accused them of “harassing” and “bullying the band” and not being “real fans” for criticizing the band. It’s been very ugly.

Before TK made their LotF video with updated lyrics that reflect Georg Floyd’s death, a former backup singer (a Black woman) tweeted that it should not be surprising that some bands hadn’t said anything with regard to the blm movement yet, and that she ended up leaving a tour with a band she worked with because she received racially insensitive comments. She then listed several musicians she has worked with who HAVE made it clear they stand with the blm movement, and TK was not one of them. Many fans speculated that TK was the band she received poor treatment from, but it was never confirmed. Now that singer’s Twitter account has been suddenly suspended. I don’t want to make any accusations, since we literally do not know what happened, but based on some of the attitudes i’ve seen, it is certainly possible that these rabid fans who are angry at people for criticizing TK might have mass reported her and gotten Twitter to suspend her account. That is still just speculation though and has not been confirmed. It could have been the result of someone at the record company or any number of other possibilities, we just don’t know right now. 

All we know is that a lot of people feel that TK’s response has not been enough, and they have been met with hostility in response. Being a fan does not mean blindly following and loving every single thing the band says and does. People who call them out when they make a mistake can still be fans and are speaking from a place of love. It is absolutely disgusting to me that predominately white fans are trying to silence the voices of fans of color and are ignoring the legitimate pain and anger they feel right now. The job of white allies right now is to listen to the voices of POC and especially Black voices--even if that means taking a hard, critical look at yourself or people you look up to and are a fan of. TK’s lack of addressing the issue adequately has fostered a fanbase that believes attacking fans for criticizing the band is ok. It’s not. Something needs to be done.

[dreamrandomcorner]

GR Freddy with a crush headcanons (x reader sort of)

I have seen several animatronic in relationship headcanons, but a big lack of how the animatronics would act when having a crush, what they do about it, etc.

Gender neutral, No warnings:

He isn’t the type to “love at first sight” and instantly fall for someone, nor gets crushes often. Which means he is more likely to fall for someone that works the Pizzaplex or is there very regularly for other reasons.

It takes him some time to sort out his feelings and realize he has a crush. He just sees you as someone that makes him happy! And a lot of people make him happy which means it’s just his usual excitement right?

Everyone in the band figures out he has a crush before Freddy connects the dots himself. It’s ridiculous but kind of amusing too.

He will wiggle his ears more than usual when spotting you. Like seriously he is going to break the mechanism if he keeps it going.

Will always acknowledge your presence in some way or another. If you are not busy, approach and ask about your day and maybe make small talk. If you are busy he will wave and smile before letting you be. Even if he is busy with a bunch of kids will take the time to wave at you as you walk by.

Gets very curious, wants to learn more about you. Some of the stuff he asks might sound silly but he really enjoys knowing more of you. Your favorite color, do you prefer spicy or sweet food, whats your favorite season, etc.

He loves hearing you talk, it can be about anything, from complaining if you had a problem, to talking about that new show you start watching, or maybe a hobby.

If you talk to him about something you are passionate about he will listen to you intently, soft smile and eyes shining with interest but mostly happy to see you so happy about something that excites you.

The deeper the crush gets he will start getting distracted in your presence. Monty will be asking him something about the performance but if you walk by he will just, spaceout and look your way until he feels a jab to the forehead “Earth to Fazbear! Are ya listenin’?”.

Whenever you are really close to him he starts feeling warm, is he having a malfunction?

If you touch him casually for whatever reason he will start worrying he is overheating. Maybe you pull him from the arm before he steps on an ice cream a kid dropped, tries to clean a smudge from his face, wait let me fix your hat, it's a bit crooked, or a simple congratulatory pat on the back.

Whatever it was, his inside wires felt too warm, he kinda likes the sensation tho.

It’s at this point that someone has to intervene because omfg please Freddy. Leave it to Chica to sit down with Freedy and softly help him realize he has a crush “Hey Freddy sugar, do you have a crush on (name)?”. You can see the whole thought train going through his equivalent of a brain until realization hits him like a truck before overheating again.

Now that he knows he has a crush things start to change towards, well now what does he do about it?

Tell you? No that would be too out of nowhere, he doesn’t want to make you uncomfortable. Maybe he can ask Chica to ask you if you like him too? No, that's too childish. He could try to send some hints your way…

Things don’t really change that much, with the exception of his fans kicking in every time he is too close to you for long periods of time.

That and he gets more bashful, if he could blush he would be red all the way up to the tip of his ears.

He will however start looking for excuses to see you or touch you gently. It’s all respectful and makes sure you are ok with it and comfortable, but will try hold your hand because he has to guide you somewhere in the Pizzaplex, casually place a hand on your back when talking next to each other, peeks over your shoulder to see what are you doing, hugs you goodbye, etc.

He would love to give all his love to you and confess but, he enjoys your company so much already that he got no need to rush things and is happy with this flirting and slow burn process, much to his friends dismay, who are all “please just confess and kiss already”.

Hope you like and feel free if you’d like to see more Crush Headcanons like this!

[rosiesandlilies]

𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐠𝐚𝐢𝐧

Jisoo x Female Reader

(6.2k words)

synopsis: when is enough, enough? when is it the right time to stop loving someone? Kim Jisoo is faced with a tough decision to break things off with her wife and the mother of her children or stay in the relationship to keep her wife and kids safe from the media, what does she do?

A/N: last one for today. enjoy this jisoo angst eheheh. btw, all the pictures are edited by me, none of them are real except for some of the photos that i used from dispatch ahah, so credits to dispatch for the first two photos. 

~

Seoul, South Korea 2:00AM

Author's POV.

~

 Author's POV.

jisoo huffs as jennie shoves her phone in front of her face. "what? you're just going to sit there and act like nothing's happening? it's all over the internet jisoo! this is the third time it's been happening, you seriously can't pretend like it's not happening then have YG let out a statement when it's obvious," jennie pointed harshly on the phone, the photo of y/n and some girl kissing at a bar was painfully obvious. the married woman was cheating for the third time. jisoo bit her tongue in an attempt to conceal the tears ripping their way up her throat. the pain wasn't even there anymore, it was numbing at this point, all jisoo could do was cry and get angry.

chaeyoung and lisa remain silent, they both didn't want to intervene on the argument happening. it hurt them that jisoo was breaking more and more each day, it was unfair to her and to their daughter. "what do you want me to do jennie? tell the world that 'yes my wife i'm so in love with, the woman i married and have a kid with' is cheating on me! we're in the media everyday, my family is in the public's eye-" jennie snapped and slapped her band mate on the cheek. the frustration and anger jennie was feeling towards her band mate was at a boiling point. when did jisoo get so stupid?

"yes! yes jisoo. that's exactly what i want you to do! i want you to tell the world that then divorce her rather than look like an idiot in front of your family, our fans, us and yourself! you're letting your daughter grow up in that type of environment?!" it was jisoo's turn to slap jennie, the harsh sound echoed it's way in the dorm that the four used to share together when they were a little younger. "i can't jennie! i can't! i have a daughter, i need to think about her, growing up with a broken family never works! and i can't leave y/n, i love her too much to leave," jisoo fell to her knees and let lisa hold her, the shorter girl let her sobs tear through her throat, each sob represented the state that her heart was in; broken, hurting. she just wanted it all to stop, to go away, to be back in the arms of her lover, her old lover.

she doesn't know where she went wrong. was she boring? was she not enough anymore? did she get ugly after giving birth to their daughter? why was her lover so good at lying?

jisoo wailed, thrashed and broke down in the arms of her members.

~

Hannam The Hills, Seoul

Jisoo's POV.

the door opened while i held onto areum, she was fast asleep after i fed her, she was excited to tell y/n about her day at pre-school but as i had expected before, y/n wouldn't be home early enough for her daughter to still be awake. i look up and see my wife wearing all black. her black skinny jeans shaped her legs beautifully while her black tank top loosely fit her frame, her black blazer hanging loosely on her shoulders.

pain shot through my heart knowing that the woman before me wasn't mine. at least not anymore.

"hi," she spoke, her voice sweet and soft. i smile and hold onto areum tighter, she was the glue keeping y/n with me.

y/n takes off her blazer and ruffles her hair before walking over to me, her attitude completely normal, almost like she wasn't just caught in another cheating scandal. y/n crouches in front of me and takes something from behind her. before handing me the bag, she lifts her head up and kisses my lips, almost like she's in love with me.

"hi.." i whisper against her lips like a stupid idiot, the feel of her lips on mine was my favourite. she presents me with a bouquet of flowers and a bag from Cartier.

i hold the urge to roll my eyes back. she always did this, she knew she made a mistake and showers me with flowers and gifts, buying my forgiveness and like the idiot i am, i accept it and forgive her.

"i'm sorry.." she whispers against my lips. i simply smile, words becoming way too hard for me right now. "open it.." she lets out softly while stroking our daughter's hair. i hold back the whimper that threatens to escape my lips when i come in contact with a silver bracelet that i've been wanting ever since we got married but never had the time to buy.

i look down and let tears fall freely from my eyes. it hurt too much, the gift was so sentimental. she promised she'd get me this when we were in love, when she was in love with me, when she loved me. she promised me she'd get me this when she was still mine,

but she wasn't mine anymore.

so instead of smiling, i hug her. i sob into her neck and let her arms fall around me. "i'm sorry baby..i'm so sorry," she whimpers against me like she means it when i know tomorrow it'll be the same.

but i just let because i love her, because i'm an idiot.

as we get ready for bed, she constantly checks her phone, not even hiding the fact that behind the screen, she's texting someone else that isn't me. "are you coming to bed?" i ask, my voice tired and husky from all the crying i did hours prior. "yeah..i will babe," she speaks, her tone distracted and i try to ignore the hurt i feel in my heart when the word 'babe' comes out of her mouth.

it was always 'baby' 'honey' 'love,' never 'babe.' i remember the memory of y/n sitting on my bed in the dorm when we just debuted, she was ranting her heart out about how much she hates the pet name 'babe.' she claimed in was insincere, a word that many people use, even for friends. she has never called me babe until today. "when i get out of the shower, you can tell me all about your day," she leans in and kisses my forehead before setting her phone down on the bed side table and walking into the bathroom.

i try my hardest to not touch her phone, but i'm only human, my curiosity got the best of me and i took her phone in my hand. her wallpaper was her and i with our daughter areum. it felt painful seeing that.

i skimmed through text messages, phone call conversations, photos before throwing her phone away in disgust. i wrap my arms around my body knowing that the hands she touches me with has touched other people.

the smell of flowers brings me back and i sit straight on the bed. "ready?" she asks me, her smile stretching and i can't find myself to hate her.

"baby?" she calls out again. i shake my head and extend my hand, reaching out to her own. "i was wondering if you could take me out this week?" i ask, my voice soft and embarrassed. i shouldn't have to beg my own wife to take me out. y/n sits down quietly, her silence was eating me alive.

"er..i..sure. i'll just call taeho to cover for me at the firm then," she smiles and kisses my cheek.

it takes me five seconds to blow.

"just say you don't want to spend time with me or areum, it's not that hard." i snap, my hands finding the comforter and lifting it up to cover my chest, i felt disgusting.

"i never said anything like that-"

"really?! because it seems like i'm forcing you to spend some time with me. i'm practically begging you each time y/n. i'm your wife! i shouldn't have to beg for your attention, your daughter and i shouldn't have to fight for your attention! this is the third time you got caught y/n! aren't you going to stop?! when is it going to stop?" i clutch the comforter harder, my breaths caught up in my throat. "jisoo-"

"no. you don't get to speak. we're your family. i'm your wife. you have a daughter. aren't you embarrassed?! our family is in the public eye, everyone watches you and you don't have the decency to go some place more discreet for your random hook ups?! at least get better at hiding it y/n! fuck you, honestly, fuck you." i stand up and slap her hard across the cheek. the anger and pain i have been keeping in my chest was seeping out. the first time it happened, she promised it wouldn't happen anymore, i forgave her because i love her. the second time happened and she promised me the same thing, i forgave her because i love her.

"you're hurting me! don't you remember what you promised me?! what you said in the altar?! your vows, your stupid promises?! you can't keep buying my forgiveness with flowers and expensive materials! i just want you back, i want you back to me! why is that so hard?!" i slap her chest and push her, she doesn't fight back, she accepts every blow and i feel myself hating her more.

why couldn't she slap me back? hit me? i want her to hurt me, give me more reasons to leave her, but she sits there and accepts my hits. why couldn't i leave her? why couldn't i just pack up my things and walk out the door and never turn back?

"you're a shit wife, you're a shit mother," i feel my stomach hurt again, it's been happening a lot more these days. i grip my stomach and scrunch my nose up in pain, "are you okay?" my wife calls out from behind me, her tone laced with concern. i wasn't sure who she was trying to fool.

"i'm fine-" as i say those words again, the same feeling comes back and i fall to the ground in pain. "shit. jisoo.." y/n wraps her arm around my waist and i have no strength to pull her away from me. "i'm fine y/n, j-just let go of me," y/n shakes her head and lays me down on the bed. "there's no way in hell i'm going to let go of you. stay there and i'll call our doctor," i don't have time to argue with her as my stomach begins to hurt again and she walks out to call our doctor.

"well mrs. kim, i'm happy to announce that you're once again pregnant."

i sit up quickly and stare at our family doctor, "what?" i ask, genuinely confused. it wasn't a secret that y/n and i did a lot of things together, we were a sexually active couple despite the thorns in our relationship, but we haven't done it in a couple of days.

"you're two week pregnant. you seem to be stressing out too much these days causing the baby to feel stressed as well, i suggest taking a break for a little bit and letting your wife take care of you," i bid the doctor goodbye before sitting back on the bed. y/n lets the doctor out before she walks back into our room. "you're pregnant," she says, her voice happy.

"but you wore protection last time, no?" i watch as y/n sits on the bed and stares at the ground, "wait. you're two weeks right?" i nod and wait for her to say something, "we were drunk at jennie's part two weeks ago, you think we might've forgot a condom?" she questions. my mind floats back to the memory of us getting into the house intoxicated then fucking in every corner of the house before passing out on the bed.

"shit." i say, my mind racing with a bunch of scenarios. y/n and i's relationship was a mess, were we ready to bring another kid into the mix? wouldn't it complicate our relationship more? i needed y/n to help me with the kids, i was going to need her help when the pregnancy would get harder. i needed her here with me. but how could that happen when she's all over the place with so many girls?

"hey.." y/n strokes my thigh, "i know what you're thinking..b-but i'm going to be here jisoo. i know i fuck up more times than you can count, but i love you and i love our kids. i'm not going anywhere."

i stare at her, the words leaving her mouth sounding like a joke to me but i can't help but have hope when i see a flash of love in her eyes.

~

YG Entertainment, Mapo-gu, Seoul

Jisoo's POV.

i close my eyes to prepare myself for the scolding i was about to get. the girls were beside me, reassuring that i'd be fine, but i knew that was far from the truth. bokyung was going to scold me and neither the girls and i were going to hear the end of it.

"the same issue again jisoo. what are we going to tell them this time?" she had her hands on her waist and her eye brows were furrowed, "when are you going to tell your wife to stop being so stupid? this is ruining our image jisoo, your image, the girl's image. i don't know what else to tell the reporters or how i'm going to make this situation go away when it's clear that your wife is cheating on you." bokyung sat back down and continued her rambling, "if you and y/n have problems, will you at least try to keep it out of the company or your image as a group?" the woman waved her hand around and signaled for us to leave. "i'll come up with something but this will be the last time jisoo. you're lucky that your wife is the biggest investor of this company."

i walk out, my hands were sweaty. i hated having talks with the CEO, they never ended well. i feel lisa's arms around me, her scent giving me the courage i need. "hey..you'll be okay jisoo-ya.." jennie walks past us and straight into the elevator, she was mad, i could already tell.

"i just don't get what's so hard in leaving her," jennie says, her tone mocking me. "i can't leave her jennie, she's my wife-"

"there you go again with all that talk about her being your wife, i get she's your wife but fucking hell jisoo, can't you see we're all getting affected by your relationship?"

"i can't leave her jennie," i try to keep my calm but i knew that was far from happening. my pregnancy hormones were going to kick in sooner or later. "she stopped being your wife all those months ago when she started this. i don't know if you're just acting stupid or trying to convince yourself that she loves you, but that's enough of a reason for you to leave her."

the elevator hits the ground floor, lisa and chaeyoung help me out while jennie walks in front of us. i was close to blowing up, i already knew how stupid i was, i didn't need jennie to keep shoving it in my face.

at the dorm, it was quiet, too quiet. chaeyoung and lisa were just sitting together, not really saying much and jennie was still fuming. i couldn't really blame them.

"i like your bracelet unnie," chaeyoung says cheerfully, walking over to examine the fine piece of silver. "thanks chaeyoung-ah, y/n got it for me yesterday," i smile happily. we all hear jennie sigh, "was it another sorry gift?" lisa asks, her voice curious.

"of course it was lisa. y/n is never actually sorry," i roll my eyes and stand up. i was sick and tired of hearing jennie say such rude things behind my wife's back. i knew she screwed up more than once but jennie didn't have any right to speak about y/n like that.

"can you shut up for one second jennie? i know y/n made mistakes and isn't the best at showing she's sorry but for once can you just shut your mouth and stop saying things? you don't think this is hard for me? you don't think i feel stupid to let this go on for months? you don't think i'm embarrassed? fuck jennie, will you pause and listen for once in your goddamn life?"

the raven haired girl looks at me with a stoic expression, one i know too well from jennie kim.

"then speak." she simply says.

i sit back down and close my eyes, my head was starting to hurt again. "i'm pregnant," all my members look at me with wide eyes, trying to process the information i just told them. "i found out last night cause i nearly fainted and y/n got really worried so she called our doctor and he revealed that i'm 2 weeks pregnant," chaeyoung lets out a smile and holds my hand.

"i can't leave her jennie because i'm stupidly in love with her. i can't leave her because we have a family together. i can't leave her because we have areum together, i can't leave her because we're bringing in another life," i let out a breath i didn't know i was holding. it was hard bottling up your emotions and not being brave enough to voice it out.

"but don't you think it's unfair to bring in another life in a fucked up relationship?" lisa questions, her hand soothing my back. lisa never spoke, she hardly says things when it comes to serious situations but i know by her actions that she cares. "i..it's hard lisa. i can't let my kids go through a whole divorce scenario. that'll just make more things stir, the media will get involved and my kids are going to suffer,"

"so you'd rather have them suffer in your broken marriage with y/n?"

"y/n is an amazing mom. she loves them and she somehow makes me feel like she loves me too..."

"jisoo. y/n doesn't love you,"

"you don't see the way y/n takes care of me, you don't see the way she loves areum. you aren't there for the nights that y/n cuddles me because i had a bad dream or i cried too much because of what people were saying about you. she hurts me, she cheated on me so many times but in some fucked up way, she still loves me. she's an amazing partner jennie...i can't find that in anyone else."

i knew jennie wanted to say something, but i pleaded with her not to say anything else. i wouldn't be able to handle it. so she just sighs and brings me into a hug. "we're here when you finally want to divorce your stupid wife," i chuckle and wipe my tears.

"let's move on. we have the how you like that promotions coming soon, we're finally going to come back! and you're going to be pregnant again! oh my gosh, this is so exciting!" chaeyoung claps her hands and drags lisa with her to write down names for my newest baby.

give it to chaeyoung to switch the whole mood around. i was thankful for my sisters, they always knew how to make me feel better.

~

Hannam The Hills, Seoul

Author's POV.

jisoo walks into the home that she's built a family in, she was pleasantly surprised when she saw the dinner table set with food and areum sitting in her chair, all washed up and fresh. "mommy!" areum yells, her little feet padding across the floor, leaping into jisoo's arms. "hi baby," jisoo greets, her lips meeting her daughter's cheeks. "who cooked dinner?" jisoo asks, carrying her daughter back into the kitchen, "mama did, she even picked me up from school?" jisoo raises her eyebrows at this. they both agreed when jisoo first got pregnant that there would be designated people picking up areum, cooking dinner and other household chores since the both of them were too busy.

"really? where's mama now then?" areum points to the stairs that led to the bedrooms, "she said she was going to shower," jisoo nods and lets areum down. "stay there then princess, i'll go see your mama," areum nods and sits back down on her chair, the show on the t.v. catching her attention.

jisoo walks up the stairs, she was exhausted from their schedule today. they were filming teasers for their newest song and being pregnant along with it was not a good feeling.

jisoo hears the shower running when she enters the bedroom, y/n's outfit laid out on the bed. jisoo takes a moment and sits down on the bed, her fingers reaching over to grab y/n's sweater. the familiar scent lingers in her nose, the warmth and security she feels when she smells y/n's familiar scent. y/n smelt like home to her.

tears unknowingly spring into her eyes, her heart was breaking knowing what has truly happened in their marriage. secrets, lies and affairs. jisoo quickly realizes that y/n isn't hers anymore, but she won't accept that, she won't let y/n go. she's willing to go to hell and back to make sure that y/n remains hers.

no matter what it takes.

"you're home early," y/n speaks, a towel wrapped around her shoulders. jisoo's breath hitches, her wife was beautiful. the porcelain skin along with the water trailing on y/n's shoulders, jisoo's still so in love with her.

"yeah..i told the management that i'm pregnant again so they chose to stop the shoot early," y/n nods and slips into her underwear. jisoo watches with shameless eyes, her eyes trailing over y/n's naked form. they haven't done it in two weeks, jisoo had needs.

the raven haired beauty stands up and walks over to her wife, her lips quickly attacking her wife's neck. "j-jisoo?" y/n slightly pulls away, a smile taking over her lips. "as much as i want to baby, areum is waiting downstairs for us and you're pregnant, it's a little dangerous for us to do it this early on," jisoo huffs and pulls away, she wraps her arms around herself, a little disgusted.

"jisoo.." y/n speaks, her hands grab her wife's arm, "it's not that. it's over, she's gone. there's no one. i know that it seems unbelievable at this point but there's no one," jisoo shuts her eyes and leans into y/n's touch. "you say that now..god knows how long that'll last," y/n doesn't say anything. y/n stopped making promises like that a long time ago. instead of saying anything, y/n leans into jisoo and kisses her neck, 'i'm sorry.'

"i made your favourite," y/n speaks. jisoo smiles back and ignores the hurt in her heart, she has to be used to this by now.

"thank you," jisoo whispers against her wife's back. 'thank you for not leaving, thank you for staying. thank you for being a good mother, thank you for being here with me. thank you for lying to make me believe that you still love me.'

y/n and jisoo don't say anything more. the two words holding more weight than intended.

dinner was all smiles, the conversation was easy but jisoo knew that y/n was doing it to make areum happy.

~

it's been a week before it came crashing down again. jisoo was in tears, her wife's phone clutched tightly in her hands.

the messages and calls were stabbing jisoo over and over again. was she really that boring? was she not good enough? why did her wife love hurting her so much?

"jisoo? i got the-" y/n's words are stopped when she sees her phone in jisoo's hand, bourbon and whiskey surrounded her wife, tears were flowing, eyes were red.

"a week. a fucking week and we're back here. am i some joke to you y/n? is our family some kind of joke to you?" y/n panics and kneels down to jisoo's height.

"jisoo, you're pregnant, you shouldn't be drink-"

"i can do whatever the fuck i want since you seem to be doing the same." jisoo's eyes are cold, she's had enough, she never knew loving someone could hurt her so bad.

"jisoo.." y/n's excuses are weak, her tongue burning with guilt and her body coiling in disgust at herself. "fuck..jisoo, i'm sorry," it's y/n's turn to sob and weep at the feet of her wife.

y/n never felt good enough for her wife. when they got married, it was all jisoo who was carrying the weight, she was the one bringing home money, it was always jisoo providing for them. she felt pressured to live up to jisoo's expectations. she wanted to make jisoo feel like a queen, she wanted jisoo to have everything she wanted but how could she do that when she didn't even know what she was doing with her life?

she was a failing photographer, her family was pressuring her to take up the spot at the firm but she didn't want to. but then jisoo got pregnant, and her world took a turn. she took up the spot at her family's firm and became a goddamn good lawyer.

but she was unhappy. her relationship with jisoo was great, it was amazing but she was extremely unhappy with herself, it was no excuse but she began her first affair. the late night drinks, late night distractions made her feel better, made her feel better about herself.

the cycle started and until now, she has no idea how to stop. she's afraid, afraid that if she stops, she'll become even more unhappy. if she stops, her distractions would be gone.

"do you even love me anymore?" jisoo chokes on her words, she didn't want to hear the lie that would creep out of her wife's mouth. "you don't have to believe me anymore but i-i..i love you jisoo."

jisoo stands up abruptly, she wipes her tears and looks at her wife with hurt and tears. "no. no, you don't get to do that again. you don't get to do this shit again. you don't get to lie to me anymore, you don't get to say you love me when you really don't-"

y/n stands up with jisoo, shaking her head. afraid that this would finally be the end of their relationship. their treacherous relationship.

"i love you jisoo, i really fucking do. i..i just don't love myself enough to be good for you."

y/n finally confesses. jisoo stares at her wife. the room is tense.

hearts shatter.

lips tremble.

lies get uncovered.

"i'm broken jisoo...so so fucking broken. n-no matter how hard i try to stop..n-no matter how much i try to convince myself that i'm good enough, it never works." y/n tries to stop the tears leaving her eyes. it's time to confess and tell jisoo everything.

"you love me. i love you. but i don't love myself. i'm hurting you because i don't love myself enough. i hurt you because i'm a coward, i hurt you because i'm unhappy with myself. i can't do that anymore. we make such a good team for areum but i can't be a good partner for you.."

jisoo nods. she understands. sometimes love isn't enough.

"okay. i'll contact my lawyer then."

y/n nods, her heart squeezing. "i love you jisoo. i'm sorry i can't be the girl you love."

jisoo smiles and kisses her wife. "i love you too baby. you'll always have my heart. you're still the mother of our kids."

jisoo pulls away and shakes her head at the mess they've created. jisoo reaches the door and turns back around to her wife.

"come back to me when you know yourself. i'll be waiting."

y/n doesn't say much anymore, just a mere nod and jisoo is out of the house.

a week later, the media gets a whiff of the divorce and the tabloids are headlining their relationship.

~

3 Years Later - Vogue Korea Interview

“so..tell us about you, how are you?”

: i'm good. *smiles* i'm really good.

“it's been three years since your divorce with Blackpink member Jisoo Kim, can you tell us about it?”

: she was the love of my life. our relationship was rocky. she was an amazing partner..an amazing mother. she gave me beautiful children but sometimes a relationship just can't work out no matter how much you try to fix it. i had a hand in the...breaking of our relationship, i committed mistakes that i'm definitely not proud of. all jisoo did was love me but even sometimes that isn't enough. let's just say...those three years made me reflect..*smiles* and become a better person.

“are you and jisoo still in contact?”

: we can't not be in contact. we have two kids together. she and i are amazing co-parents.

“would you ever do the marriage scene again?”

: oh my...*chuckles* how do i say this in a nice way? uh....definitely not. marriage just isn't something for me anymore..

“really? so no more marriage anymore?”

: well..if jisoo were to ask me to go to Uranus with her, i'd do it. if jisoo were to ask me to travel the world, i would.

“so what are you trying to tell the audience?”

: i guess what i'm saying is..marriage is a big no for me...but if jisoo were to ask me to marry again, i would.

“so jisoo...?”

: jisoo is the only woman i'd want to walk down the aisle towards me. jisoo is the only one i'd do the whole marriage scene with again.

~

y/n removes the mic from her and cranes her neck to the side. the interview was fun and it felt nice to do it, maybe that's why celebrities love doing interviews.

the crew congratulate her and she smiles before heading into her dressing room.

she sits on the chair and plays with her phone, she was hoping a text from jisoo would appear but none do.

a knock comes to her door and she's pulled away from stalking jisoo's instagram page.

"ms. park? jisoo and your kids are here," y/n shoots up from her seat and fixes herself in the mirror. "send them in," y/n speaks.

the door swings open, her two kids; areum and jaehyun run inside. areum was now 7 and jaehyun was 3. y/n kneels down and takes her children into her arms. "i missed you mama!" both her children say in unison. "you two saw me yesterday!" y/n peppers their faces with kisses. they both looked so much like jisoo, it was crazy.

jisoo stood at the doorway and smiled seeing her children interacting with her ex-wife.

y/n notices jisoo in the doorway. the lawyer stands up and smiles at her ex-wife. they saw each other a day ago but the butterflies in y/n's stomach don't go away.

"hi.." jisoo says, "the kids saw the interview and they wanted me to bring them here right away," y/n chuckles and praises the team for uploading the interview incredibly quick.

"thank you for bringing them." jisoo smiles and walks further into the dressing room.

"mommy! can jaehyun and i go to the snack area! please! i saw that they have tteokbokki!" jisoo nods at her children and they're quickly left in a silence.

"so how are you?"

"so your interview,"

they both respond at the same time. "go first," jisoo speaks. y/n shakes her head and sits down on the couch in her dressing room. "now, you go first."

jisoo takes in a deep breath and looks around, "your interview. the things you said, are they true?"

y/n wipes her hands on her suit pants and exhales a breath. her heart was beating out of her chest at the sight of her ex-wife. she was so beautiful, y/n has no idea how she hurt her over and over again.

"they're all true jisoo. i know it's inappropriate to say these things because we've been over for 3 years and you probably don't love me anymore, but fuck jisoo. they're all true, every single word that came out of my mouth-" y/n stops pacing the floor after jisoo holds her shoulders.

"will you let me speak?"

y/n nods and stares at her ex-wife. "it's bold of you to assume that i don't love you anymore. do you really think someone else is willing to deal with your ass? your moody, indecisive ass?"

y/n looks everywhere but jisoo.

"will you please look at me?" jisoo's voice is hoarse and it makes y/n's knees weak. the woman was her kryptonite. "sorry.." y/n apologizes.

"you used to be so cocky and confident, where's that confidence huh? you were confident in that interview that i would want to marry you again, where's that y/n now?" jisoo holds her ex-wife's chin and despite being shorter, jisoo felt like she had all the control.

"it was stupid of me to think that you'd-"

jisoo's lips were on hers. y/n was being annoyingly oblivious and jisoo was getting tired of it.

"you're fucking stupid, you know that?" jisoo speaks as she pulls away. y/n is stunned.

"i told you to come back to me when you know yourself..." jisoo pulls her ex-wife closer to her, she presses their foreheads together.

".....so why aren't you coming back to me yet?"

y/n breathes in and out before capturing the same pink heart shaped lips she hasn't kissed in three years. she's kissing the only woman who's captured her heart again and this time she wasn't going to fuck up, this time she wasn't going to let her go anymore.

"i love you."

jisoo looks at y/n's eyes. all the love and comfort that she's been craving was all there and for the first time in a long time, jisoo believes y/n.

"i love you too," jisoo responds, her lips finding y/n's again.

after a minute or two of reacquainting their lips, they pull apart from each other.

"we're doing this again?" y/n asks, breathless from the kiss.

jisoo smiles and wraps her arms around y/n's neck.

"i'd do this over and over and over again baby."

y/n smiles and jisoo smiles. they both lean in and seal their love in a kiss of forever.

areum and jaehyun peek around the corner, their lips stained with pepper paste but their smiles are wide. areum turns to her little brother and raises her hand, jaehyun was still confused but manages to high five her back.

"we did it jaehyunnie!" jaehyun smiles, his eyes turn into crescents and he celebrates with his sister despite having no clue what's happening.

- fin.

[loser-writings]

Oh my god! Its a omegafest! Can you add one of Omega Hizashi too?

Here you go! It really is an Omegafest, but I ain’t complaining!

Hizashi Yamada is one of the most well known and successful Omegas of all time. With him being one of the first openly Omega Pro heros, His radio show, and almost contagious personality, he quickly gained fans and became a favorite among many. He takes lots of pride for Inspiring lots of Omegas to follow their dreams.

That being said, he was also very aware of every Alpha that looked at him hungrily when he passed by them. Always hearing their words about “Getting the wild one to submit” and “Reminding him of where he should be” It never failed to make him anxious to the point where he would plan his paths to try to avoid as many people as possible.

Today was all miscalculations though. He took multiple wrong turns on his way to the address written on the palm of his hand, and he could feel every Alpha staring at him. He swore softly under his breath since he realized what he had forgotten. His suppressants were just left on the counter, and he knew that his scent was thriving.

Hell even he could smell the intensity of his scent. Tangy, yet sweet like his personality. It overpowered any negative scent caused by his anxiety. He bit the inside of his cheek as he heard it. Footsteps behind him. As he passed by some reflective glass, he looked over to see a larger Alpha staring straight at his ass. Before he could even do anything, His omega let out a panicked chirp. 

He felt his throat tighten as a deep chuckle came from behind him. “What? Pro-Hero not liklin’ The hunt?” the man asked which only made him panic. “I-I Just wanted to get to where I nee-” He was cut off by a loud hello, only to see another Alpha running towards him, but this one instantly seemed much safer to be with. “Shit I knew you were taking a long time, so I decided to come find you!” You wrapped an arm around the Omegas’ waist and watched as the other Alpha only chuckled. “What kind of shit is th-” 

You let out one of the most intense growls that Hizashi ever heard, and he would be lying if he said his Omega wasn’t both scared and intrigued by you. “It’s me telling some knotlicker to fuck off.” The mans eyes widened and he took a step towards you to protest, but you instantly had a knife against his neck and his back against the ground. 

Nobody even batted an eye since many were aware of the Alpha that had been following Hizashi, yet were too scared to react. Omegas smiled seeing an Alpha intervene and other Alphas snickered under their breath. When you finally pulled away, the alpha started running. You quickly put the knife back in your pocket before smiling at Hizashi. “Would you let me walk you to where you need to go?

That’s how he met you, the Alpha who would go out of your way to walk with Hizashi whenever he was worried about getting looked at or stalked again. You explained that seeing other Alphas thirst over an Omega just trying to mind their own business pissed you off, and you were tired of people not helping. That was 5 years ago.

Now you sat beside him as he worked on grading papers, huffing softly as some music played in the background. “If I ever teach my students how to swear in English, please attack me.” He sat down an essay and ran his fingers through his long hair, huffing to himself. 

You only chuckled and moved to slip behind him in the nest, hands moving to tangle themselves in the blond locks. “Well, You better hope I don’t ever show up to UA then. I will instantly swear in front of them.” Hizashi almost purred when your fingers started massaging his scalp. “I will cry. That’s a promise and not a threat.” he said as he leaned into your hands more.

Over the years, Hizashis’ Omega claimed you as his own. He wasn’t exactly sure when, but you were his, even if neither of you had acted on any feelings. You had managed to help him through some of his heats, which only made the bond between you more intense, but neither of you ever labeled your feelings out loud. 

He finally let out a loud purr when you brushed his hair to the side and kissed his neck, scenting him some more while you were there. “You are going to make me stink.” He teased and pecked your cheek, a soft chuckle coming from you as you moved to start braiding his hair. “I don’t think that’s a genuine complaint, ‘Zashi” 

He hummed and shut his eyes while your fingers did their work. His scent got stronger by the second. “Hey love?” He simply hummed. “Have I ever told you that you smell like lemon drops?” He only smiled, knowing where it was going. “Yes, and as we have discovered many times, no my lips do not taste like lemon drops. Right now my guess is that they taste like really fuckin’ strong coffee, and the fried chicken you brought for dinner.” He heard that laugh that made his omega purr a little louder as your hand slipped from the back of his neck up into his hair before grasping and tugging. He instantly let out a soft groan before smiling at you innocently.

“Goddamn it. Will you stop being so fuckin’ cute” You huffed before letting go of his head to grab his cheeks and kiss him. He smiled into the kiss before wrapping his arms around you, omega purring up a storm. When he pulled away, he pecked your jaw. “Well?” “Oh I can taste the coffee.” He laughed and sat back up again. “Told ya.”

You just sat admiring the blond for a moment before sighing. “You do know that you’re handsome as all hell, right Zashi?” The random compliment made his cheeks burn, but he nodded. “Yeah, You tell me all of the time.” He said as he moved to grab his coffee cup. “You do know you’re just as attractive?” He asked before taking a sip, watching you nod. “Yeah, You remind me at least five times a day.” He hummed and sat down the cup.

This was the Hizashi you grew to adore. Not the loud as hell radio personality, or the Hero act he put on in front of the cameras, but this Hizashi. Sure, the others were amazing too, but this was your Omega. Surprisingly quiet since he uses a lot of his energy in his work, never really talking about his issues, and the one who was quick to text you when he was getting in his head. 

You moved close to him again and smiled when you saw the edge of his tattoo poking out from his sleeve. “I still love your tattoos too.” The blond simply grinned and looked at his arm. “I can thank you for that one too. That artist would never have let me get them if it wasn’t for you saying you were my Alpha and doing that fake mark makeup you learned.” “That was such bullshit, but don’t thank me. I just wanted to help you.” He shrugged and moved to start looking at his others. “I’m just glad I got them. I’ve wanted tattoos since I was in middle school.” You hummed and moved to trace the three black bands around his bicep, knowing they represented his 3 main friends. “I love them all.”

He smiled and moved to kiss your forehead softly before sighing. “Question.” “Bet I have an answer” He smiled at you before taking your hand “Why aren’t we together? Like...I know neither of us have really thought of it, but like...Why not?” Your eyes widened but you only smiled. “Idiot, I thought we’ve been courting for like a year now at least.” 

He stopped and looked down at your hands. “Oh...Oh fuck.” He blushed dark which only made you erupt in laughter before hugging him tight. “I never mated you because I wasn’t sure if you wanted that! If you do, then we will next time your heat rolls around!” He let out a soft whine and hid his red face in your neck, too embarrassed to do anything but nod.

“Zashi, You’re a busy guy. You’re a teacher, a radio host, and a pro-hero, so I don’t blame you for missing the things I took for courting dates. Hell sometimes it was just you sleeping on me while I played with your hair.” He pulled away before sighing. “I just feel like an ass. I just went with it, like I didn’t even question why you were being extra awesome-” You pecked his nose to cut him off. “You’re fine. Now that you know, I assume you want to still be my Omega?” He instantly nodded. “Only if you’re willing to deal with karaoke night.” You laughed and nodded. “Don’t worry. Karaoke night will be dealt with.”

[rpf-bat]

I Choose Defeat

Pairing: Gerard Way x Reader

Genre: Angst, Drama

Summary: Written for Gothtober 2020, Day 5. Prompt: “Killing Romance.”

When Gerard makes the decision to ‘kill’ My Chemical Romance, your hidden feelings for him, turn to despair. You’re crushed by the reality that he’s no longer your bandmate, but you try your best to move on. Four years later, you have a quiet life in New Jersey - and a child that isn’t is. But, when you get a call in the middle of the night, asking you to get the band back together, you find yourself jumping at the chance. 

You and the other members of My Chemical Romance, sat around a coffee table, at Reprise Records headquarters. You sipped from your mug anxiously, unsure why Gerard had called this meeting. 

Is this about the new studio space?, you wondered. He did say he wanted to build a new recording spot, on his property, so that we’ll have an easier time, putting together the rest of the new album. 

But, something in his melancholy expression, told you that he wasn’t here, to show off blueprints. His hazel eyes seemed to stare right through you.

You glanced at Frank on your right, and Ray and Mikey on your left. They seemed nervous, too, as they waited for Gerard to speak. The silence in the room was deafening. 

“So,” Gerard said finally, “I’ve decided I quit.” 

“What?” you blinked. 

“I no longer want to be the vocalist of My Chemical Romance,” Gerard spelled out. “I’m out.” 

Four jaws dropped in unison. The mug nearly fell right out of your hand. 

“That means that My Chemical Romance is….over with,” Mikey realized. “I mean, there’s no way in hell that we could continue the band without you.” 

This much was obvious - Gerard was the group’s leader. It’s visionary. A drummer, such as yourself? Potentially replaceable. But the vocalist, lyricist, and frontman? No way. If he was done, his departure would be a bullet between My Chemical Romance’s eyes. 

“I’m sorry,” Gerard sighed. “I’ve been trying, to act like everything’s fine, and keep working on new songs with you guys. But….my heart’s just not in it anymore.” 

“What about the new album?!” Frank interjected. “The demos we’ve been working on so far….I thought those songs really had potential!” 

“The guitar parts you wrote were good, Frankie,” Gerard admitted. “If you want to take those melodies, and recycle them into a new project, at some point? You definitely have my blessing to do that.” 

“Frank might be fine forming some new band, with new people,” you said, tears forming in your eyes, “but, what about me? What am I supposed to do?” 

You had dropped out of school, years ago, when Gerard asked you to drum for his band. And the truth was, that you had nothing to fall back on. You’d spent the last decade of your life, focused on nothing, but being in My Chem. Now, that career was just….gone. 

“I was talking to Andy Hurley the other day,” Gerard said calmly. “He said, that when Fall Out Boy broke up, he became a touring drummer, for some other bands. Like, I think he went on the road with Earth Crisis for a while.” 

“Oh, so you just have all the answers, is that it?” you snapped. You didn’t think, he’d really given that much thought, to how this would affect you, at all. 

“Y/N, come on,” Ray intervened, putting a hand on your shoulder. “You have to admit….the last tour, was really hard on all of us.”

“He’s right,” Mikey sighed. “We were constantly jet lagged. I was eating No-Doz like candy, just to stay awake, during some of our shows.” 

“I...I never said being in this band was easy,” you stammered, “but that doesn’t mean you just give up!”

“I can’t force it, if the passion’s just not there anymore!” Gerard insisted. “Do you remember the last show we played?”

“Yeah, what about it?” you demanded. 

“I wasn’t even looking at the fucking crowd,” Gerard confessed. “Or at my mic. My head was somewhere completely else. I was looking at the sea, in the distance. I didn’t want to be on that stage. And I know that our performance suffered, because of that. It wasn’t my best work. If I can’t give the fans the show they deserve, I’d rather not do any more shows, at all.” 

“You didn’t feel happy at all, when you were playing with us?” you realized. 

“No,” Gerard said bluntly. “I felt nothing.” 

Your chest hurt, and your eyes welled up with tears. Nothing?

Being onstage with Gerard, watching him sing, from behind your drum kit, was euphoria to you. A high that no drug could match. Listening to the crowd sing along with him, as you played your heart out....those were always the best nights of your life. But, clearly, he didn’t feel the same way, that you did. 

You always thought you’d have more time with him. Whether it was in the studio, or on tour….you’d taken for granted, that you would have another opportunity, to tell him how you really felt. 

You’d had feelings for him, for a long time. To put it frankly, you were in love with him. 

I told myself, that as soon as we finished the record, I would confess my feelings to him, you recalled, your hands shaking. I didn’t want it to affect the work we were doing in the studio, so I was going to wait. But now the fifth MCR album, is never going to exist! 

Even if your fantasies of dating him never materialized, you thought you would always have him, as a bandmate. Even if we never became boyfriend and girlfriend….we would still travel the world together, as singer and drummer. That was something I thought I could always rely on! 

Now, everything you thought you’d have, was up in smoke. It was like the rug had been pulled out from under you. 

“Gerard, how could you?!” you cried, unable to stop the tears, from falling from your eyes. “Don’t you get it? I don’t want to be in any band, if it’s not with you!” 

“Y/N, I’m sorry…,” Gerard began, seeming taken aback, by how deeply, his words had wounded you. 

“Save it!” you barked. “I don’t want to hear it!” 

You grabbed your keys, and stormed out of the room. 

“Y/N! Wait!” Gerard cried. 

His voice didn’t stop you. If nothing was what he felt, sharing the stage with you….then, nothing was exactly what you would be to each other, from this day on. 

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

FOUR YEARS LATER

You’d moved back to New Jersey, after the band broke up. Los Angeles held nothing for you anymore, but memories. All you wanted was to forget. 

You’d tried to fill the void in your heart, by blowing money on vinyls. You thought maybe, if you turned the volume all the way up, and made the whole house shake with sound, you wouldn’t be able to hear Gerard’s voice, in the back of your head. I felt nothing. 

Your time together had been special to you….but, clearly, you thought, it hadn’t been special to him. So, when the guy at the record store, had asked for your number, you’d given it to him. 

You thought you could get over Gerard, by jumping into bed with someone else. Patrick certainly wasn’t unattractive. And, he was never unkind to you. When he told you that he loved you, you said it back. 

But…..you didn’t mean it. Deep down in your heart, you knew you were still in love with Gerard. And the worst part was, Patrick knew it, too. So, the relationship failed. Of course it did.

But, it had left you with one good thing: a child. You loved your daughter, even though you didn’t love her father. Motherhood had given you a reason to get out of bed every day. Even if you felt like your life was in shambles, you still had a responsibility, to be there for her. 

She looked up at you, with innocent blue eyes, as you tucked her into bed. 

“Mommy need hug?” she asked, holding her teddy bear tightly. 

“No, sweetheart,” you sighed, ashamed that your mental state was so obvious, even to a toddler. “Mommy’s okay.”

You thought to yourself, as you kissed her goodnight, that she might be the only person in this world, to ever truly love you unconditionally. 

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

You were sitting at the kitchen table, alone with your thoughts, and a glass of Pinot, when the phone rang. You wondered who it could be, at this hour. 

“Hey, Y/N,” said a familiar voice, when you picked up. 

“Frank?” you blinked. “What’s up?” 

“How are you doing?” your former bandmate asked gently. 

“Pretty good,” you lied. “It’s been a while.” 

“It has,” Frank admitted. “I just got done with a tour, not too long ago.” 

Right, you remembered. He’s got his own little solo project now. 

“What are you calling yourselves these days?” you asked. “The Cellabration?”

“No, it’s The Patience now,” Frank corrected. “Man, I really wish I could have convinced you to join us. You know you were my first pick, for a drummer.” 

“You found a better one,” you shrugged. “I bought a copy of your CD. It sounds like Matt Olsson is doing a hell of a job.” 

“I’ll tell him you said that,” Frank chuckled. “You been up to much, music wise?” 

“Nah,” you confessed. “I mean, I did a little production stuff, for an indie label, here in town. But mostly, I’ve just been living off royalties, and child support.” 

“Fair enough,” Frank replied. “How’s the little one doing?” 

“Lena‘s doing great,” you smiled. “She’s full of energy, like most three year olds are.” 

You heard Frank laughing. 

“What?” you asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“I still can’t believe,” Frank snickered, “that you named your daughter Helena.” 

“Of course I did,” you said wistfully. “Of all the songs we ever composed together, I think that was my favorite.” 

“Honestly, it’s one of my favorites, too,” Frank confessed.

“How are Lily and Cherry?” you asked. “And Miles?” 

“The twins just had their seventh birthday,” Frank said proudly. “God, they’re getting so big. And Miles just started kindergarten, he loves it.” 

“That’s great,” you smiled. “Lena and I, should come over and visit you guys soon.” 

“I’d really like that,” Frank agreed. “I mean, you’re right down the road, after all.”

It was true - Frank, was the only other former band member, who had returned to New Jersey, after things went south. 

“....That’s actually part of, what I wanted to talk to you about,” Frank said, after a moment. 

“What do you mean?” you wondered. 

“So….you and I, still hang out all the time,” Frank began. 

“...Yeah?” you nodded. Where was he going with this? 

“But, you also visited Ray not too long ago, right?” he asked. 

“Uh, yeah, last fall,” you recalled. “He invited me down to his house in California. He wanted me to play drums, for a track on Remember The Laughter.” 

It had been nice to see him again - and even nicer, to get out of the East Coast snow. 

“But, while you were in LA, you also hung out with Mikey, right?” Frank asked. 

“Yeah,” you confirmed. “He asked me to go to a Dodgers game with him, while I was in town. It was pretty fun. He was asking me for parenting advice the whole time, because Kristin was pregnant with Rowan.” 

All of the former members of My Chemical Romance were parents now….except one. But, you didn’t want to talk about him. To your chagrin, this was the exact person, whom Frank asked about next. 

“What about Gerard?” he demanded. 

“What about him?” you scoffed. Even after all this time, thinking about him, still hurt. 

“I was texting Gee last night,” Frank explained. “Y/N….he told me that you haven’t gone and seen him, even once, since the day the band broke up.” 

“It’s true,” you admitted. 

“Shit, man,” Frank swore. “It’s been four years. Do you really hate him, that much?” 

“I don’t hate him,” you said softly. 

“Could’ve fooled me,” Frank tutted. “Was it really necessary, to block his number?” 

“It was,” you insisted. “I have nothing to say to him.” 

“Well,” Frank revealed, “he had something, that he wanted me to say to you.” 

Your eyes widened. 

“What is it?!” you demanded. 

“Damn,” Frank teased. “You sound pretty eager, for someone who refuses to speak to him directly. For the record, it’s kinda childish, if you ask me! You and I are both in our thirties now - and he just turned fuckin’ forty. And I still have to be a go-between, for you two?” 

“Just tell me what he said, already,” you said impatiently. 

“Fine, fine,” Frank sighed. “I’ll get to the point.” 

“Well, what is it?” What could he possibly have to say, after all this time?

“He asked me,” Frank whispered, “if you would be interested, in getting the band back together.”

You dropped the phone in shock. It hit the tile floor, with a crash. You were lucky, that the noise didn’t wake Lena. You bit your lip. You wanted to scream, but you couldn’t. 

Was this real?! you thought, your hands shaking. Oh, god, please let it be real. 

You’d wanted to hear those words for so long. Despite all your anger and resentment towards Gerard….you wanted him, to miss you. You wanted him, to want to get onstage with you again. Because deep down….you still wanted, that, too. 

You picked the phone up off the floor, and pressed it to your ear again. 

“Damn, Y/N, what was that?” Frank gaped. 

“Sorry,” you mumbled. “I can hear you now. So….tell me again? Exactly what he said?”

“He said he wants to get all five of us in a room together,” Frank explained. “Just...try and jam for a little bit, and see where it goes from there.” 

“Where?” you asked. “LA, I’m guessing?” 

“Yeah….”

“Ok, when?” you interrupted. “I can try and find a sitter, to watch Lena for a weekend, so….” 

“Slow down!” Frank urged. “What the fuck, Y/N?” 

“What do you mean, what the fuck?” you asked, eyes narrowing. 

“You just told me, you haven’t said two words to Gerard, since 2013!” Frank reminded. “Now, all of a sudden, you’re chomping at the bit, to get on a plane, and go see him?” 

He had a point. You hated yourself for this. You’d spent the last four years, trying desperately to forget about Gerard. Now, as soon as he dangled the possibility of a reunion in front of you, you were wagging your tail like a dog for him. 

He still has me in the palm of your hand, you realized, cheeks burning. I hate it. 

“We weren’t sure,” Frank confessed, “if you would want to be part of the reunion at all. You guys didn’t leave things on the best of terms. Like...when you see him again, what the hell are you gonna say to him?” 

“I….I don’t know,” you realized. You thought about it for a moment. 

“One thing’s for sure,” you decided. “If My Chemical Romance is having a reunion, you’re sure as hell, not gonna have it without me.” 

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

You hesitated in the studio doorway, your hand shaking on the door handle. 

Come on, you told yourself. You’ve come all this way. The flight from La Guardia to LAX was seven hours long. You had all that time, to talk yourself out of doing this. But, you’re here now. You’ve decided this is what you want. 

Steeling yourself, you turned the knob, and entered the room. 

He was there, as soon as you walked in. His hair was a natural brown now - not the short blonde it had been, the last time you’d seen him. It had become streaked with grey - but, then again, so had yours. Despite the lines of middle age, that had now begun to crease his face, he was still so, breathtakingly handsome. 

“Hey, Y/N,” Gerard said, his voice melting you like butter. “You look great.”

You didn’t say so do you - even though it was true. 

“H-how you have been?” you asked, trying to hide your shakes. 

“I’ve been well,” Gerard smiled. “How’s Patrick?” 

“We’re divorced,” you said dryly. 

“....Oh,” Gerard gasped. “Oh, fuck, Y/N, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.”

“You would, if you shot me an email, once in a while,” you snapped, remembering that you were supposed to ‘hate’ him. 

“Oh, so my number’s blocked, but an email’s fine with you?” Gerard huffed. “How am I supposed to know that? The telephone works both ways, you know.” 

“Guys!” interrupted the voice of the reason. “Can you not? Please?” 

“Ray!” you gasped, turning to face your frizzy-haired friend. “How are you? It’s so good to see you!” 

“It’s good to see you, too, Y/N,” Ray smiled. “I missed you.” 

“I missed you guys, too,” said another familiar voice, as Mikey entered the room. 

“Hey!” you smiled, walking over to greet him. “How’s the baby doing?”

“She’s beautiful,” Mikey said proudly. “How’s Helena?”

“Little Lena is getting bigger every day,” you smiled. “She’s adorable.” 

“You can compare baby pictures later,” joked another voice. “I’d win that contest, anyway. I have three cuties at home.” 

“Hi, Frank!” Mikey grinned. “How have you been, dude?” 

“Pretty good,” Frank smiled, setting down his guitar case. “Looks like the gang’s all here.”  

You looked around the room, scarcely believing it was true. But, you didn’t have to pinch yourself. It was real- all five members of My Chemical Romance, were together again.

“Are you ready to jam?” Ray grinned. 

“Absolutely,” you said, surprising yourself. 

“What should we play first?” Frank asked, taking his guitar out of its case, and hooking the strap over his shoulder. 

“Good question,” Gerard shrugged, walking over to the microphone stand, and adjusting it to his height. 

“What about ‘Helena’?” Mikey suggested, tuning his bass. 

“Sounds good to me,” you replied. You sat down, behind the drum kit, that the studio space owned. You still had your original kit - with the Danger Days “Exterminate” drum cover - in your basement, back home. 

You picked up your sticks. It had been so long, but holding them in your hands, felt so right, in a way that you couldn’t describe. 

“Ray, you wanna start us off?” Gerard asked. 

“Alright,” Ray nodded. “One, two, three, four…”

He began to play the opening notes, that you knew so well. 

“Long ago,” Gerard crooned, “just like the hearse you, died to get in again…”

Your cymbals joined him - and at just the right time, too. Like muscle memory coming back. 

“We are,” Gerard sang, “so far from you!”

Mikey and Frank’s parts kicked in, and you felt a wave of adrenaline, that hit you so fast, it almost made you miss the beat. 

“Burning on…,” Gerard continued, surprisingly in-key. 

“Just like a match you strike to incineraaaaate!” Ray harmonized, “the lives of everyone you knoooow!”

The two men sounded incredible together, given that the last time they’d performed this song, was 2012. It was like riding a bike, you realized. You guys had played this one together, so many times, that it only took being next to each other, to unlock it all again. 

You felt a wave of nostalgia, as the song continued:

And what's the worst you take (worst you take)

From every heart you break (heart you break)

And like the blade you stain (blade you stain)

Well, I've been holding on tonight

What's the worst that I can say?

Things are better if I stay

So long and goodnight

So long not goodnight

“....Fuck, that sounded so good!” Gerard grinned, stopping after the chorus. “I thought we’d be really rusty!” 

“I know, right?” Ray laughed. 

Suddenly, Gerard’s smile faded, as he turned back, and looked at you. “....Y/N?”

“What?” you asked. “I agree, that was decent.” 

“Y/N….you’re crying,” Gerard said softly. 

“Huh?” you blinked. You set your drumstick down, and touched your finger to your eye. It came away wet. 

Fuck, you realized, he’s right. You hadn’t even noticed. Despite the sharp words you’d exchanged, when you walked in the door, playing together, had made your true feelings plain. You had missed this. You had missed this so much. 

“I….I think I need a smoke break,” you stammered, and headed for the door. 

“Y/N! Wait!” Gerard called. It sounded just like deja vu. 

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

He found you outside, holding a cigarette in your shaking palm. You could barely see the lighter through your tears. The stupid flame wouldn’t catch. 

“You want me to get that?” Gerard offered. 

“No!” you sniffed. “Just, go away!” 

Ignoring you, Gerard took the lighter from your hand. 

“Here,” he said, and lit the cigarette for you. You took a drag. 

“....You want one?” you offered, awkwardly handing him the pack, as you wiped your eyes. 

“Nah,” Gerard shook his head. “I quit.”

“...Did you really?” you blinked, surprised. 

“Yeah, just this year,” Gerard nodded. “I figured, if we were gonna do this, I wanted to make sure, that my lungs were in good shape.” 

“....How long have you known, that you wanted to come back?” you wondered. 

“Not long,” Gerard confessed. “Honestly, I thought you would say no.”

“To you?” you laughed, bitterly. “Never.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Gerard raised an eyebrow. “I thought you can’t stand me, these days.” 

“Gee,” you sighed. “Listen….I never hated you.” 

“Could’ve fooled me.” 

“It wasn’t hate, that kept me away,” you confessed. “It was love.” 

“Love?” Gerard repeated, confused. 

“You broke my heart,” you explained, “when you killed the band.”

“Yeah, all the guys were heartbroken, when I told them it was over,” Gerard acknowledged. 

“No,” you shook your head. “You don’t understand.” 

“Then, explain it to me!” Gerard demanded. “Nobody was happy with me with that day, but you’re the only one who cut off all contact afterwards! And I have spent every day, of the last four years, wondering why!” 

“Because I was in love with you, you idiot!” you cried. 

Gerard gasped, staring at you in shock. 

Fuck, you trembled. I can’t believe I said that out loud. 

“You….wanted to be with me?” Gerard asked, eyes wide. 

“Of course I did,” you said, beginning to cry again. “But, you didn’t even want me as a bandmate anymore - let alone a lover. You didn’t feel a thing - you gave up our life’s work, like it was nothing to you.” 

“Y/N, I was relapsing,” Gerard said softly, staring at his shoes. 

“You….you what?” 

“During the World Contamination Tour,” Gerard admitted, shame-faced. “The stress of being on the road, it was just too much for me. I was seven years sober, and I fell off the wagon. I hated myself for it. But I knew, if we started another album cycle, and went on another tour, after that….I was going to do it again.” 

“That’s why you wanted to quit the band?” you realized. “I never knew….” 

“You never let me explain myself!” Gerard reminded. “You just took off!” 

“B-but, I never noticed you drinking, when we were on tour….” you stammered. 

“I hid it well,” Gerard sighed. “I didn’t want to disappoint you. You thought I was such a great guy….I didn’t want you to see the truth about me.” 

“You are a great guy, Gee,” you assured him. “I’m sorry. I wouldn’t gotten so angry at you, for making the choice you made, if I had known how badly you were struggling, on the inside….” 

“It was kill the band,” Gerard revealed, “or fall back into the bad habits, that were going to kill me.”

“I….I don’t want you to get killed, Gerard,” you sobbed. “I would never, ever want that. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, for how I’ve treated you, this whole time….”

“I’m sorry, too,” Gerard said, reaching a gentle hand up, to wipe the tear from your eye. “I’m sorry, that I was so self-absorbed, that I never realized, how you felt about me.”

“I hid that well, too,” you confessed. 

“I would never have wasted the last four years of my life like this,” Gerard sighed, “if I had known, that my feelings were reciprocated.”

“Re…Reciprocated?” you repeated. No….could he mean….?

“After you went back to Jersey,” Gerard bared his soul, “I felt like there was a hole in my heart. And I didn’t know why. By the time I figured it out - by the time I was sober, and mentally stable again, and the type of man you actually deserved - goddamnit, Y/N, you were married to someone else!” 

“I only accepted Patrick’s proposal, because I was pregnant,” you admitted, embarrassed. “And I only slept with him, in the first place, to try and convince myself, that I was capable of wanting, somebody who wasn’t you.” 

“But….you and Patrick split up,” Gerard realized. “Fuck. Y/N. If I had known, that you two weren’t still together….I would have been on a plane to New Jersey, months ago, begging you for another chance.” 

“I don’t want him,” you cried. “I want you, Gerard. I always did. I wished Lena was yours, because the wanting never stopped. I want you still!” 

“Then, be mine, damnit!” Gerard cried, and took you in his arms. He kissed your tear stained face, and your sobbing finally stopped, as his lips crashed into yours. 

He tasted so sweet….everything you’d wanted, and more. It was like a dream come true. 

“The guys are waiting inside,” you reminded, “for us to go back in there, and play some more songs with them.”

“Let then wait,” Gerard shushed you, pulling you in again. “I’ve waited four years for this.” 

He kissed you, and you felt as if you could fly. All was, finally, right with the world again. 

[love-killed-the-superstar]

yo im back at it again, this time for cassunzel week!! these ficlets will all take place in the same fic-verse as my cass week fics, which you can read here!

CASSUNZEL WEEK DAY 1 - HOMECOMING

On the day of her 22nd birthday, Rapunzel is radiant.

She must have known the surprise party was coming – how could she not, what with the whole of Corona buzzing with anticipation? – but still, she shrieks with delight all the same as the room erupts with cheer. She’s changed a little since the last time Cass saw her; her eyes sparkle a little brighter, her shoulders are less tense. Her happily ever after was only just beginning with Cassandra’s departure, but now – now she’s truly at peace.

Despite her initial decision to join Eugene and Lance at the front of the room in order to greet Rapunzel, Cass finds herself looking for a place to hide. Part of her doesn’t want Rapunzel to notice her right here and now, with the whole of the kingdom watching. She’s excited to greet her, of course, and give her a hug (maybe more, if her nerves cooperate), but… she just doesn’t know how to act with everybody else there. The new nature of their relationship isn’t exactly public knowledge, after all, and the last thing she wants is to cause some sort of uproar on Rapunzel’s birthday of all days.

So she hangs back, for once grateful at how tall and broad Lance is in comparison to her. Rapunzel begins to gush about the decorations, running over to hug her parents tightly, before making her way over to Eugene to give him the hug and kiss he’s earned for being such an efficient party planner.

“Well, I can’t take all the credit, sunshine,” he rambles, looking all too pleased with himself. “Everyone helped make this place a success. Oh, but I can take credit for keeping a certain someone – pardon the pun – under wraps…”

Cass considers leaving him hanging, but the second-hand embarrassment would be too much, even with Eugene getting the brunt of it. So she awkwardly side-steps out from behind Lance and gives a sheepish wave. Rapunzel’s face, set in confusion at Eugene’s awkward trail-off, morphs into one of pure amazement as her eyes meet Cassandra’s.

“CASS!!” She launches herself at Cassandra at full speed, leaving her winded from the impact.

“Oof. Hey, Raps. Ha, long time no see.”

Rapunzel’s arms wind round her tightly, scooping her further into the hug, and Cass returns it a little stiffly, glancing around as the rest of the party watch on in amusement. Lance is grinning like a fool, issuing a double thumbs-up, while Eugene simply offers a lopsided grin and a nod that she’s guessing he’s trying to equate to a sense of approval. The queen’s lips quirk up into a mile, but otherwise gives nothing away, while the king clears his throat and stares at the floor.

“Eugene said you couldn’t make it!” Rapunzel cries. “He said you were probably scaling a mountain or sailing between kingdoms or dodging a bounty hunter!”

“Oh, did he now? Dodging a bounty hunter, Fitzherbert, really? Unlike you, I don’t make enemies everywhere I go.”

“With your delightful personality, that genuinely surprises me,” he retorts, grinning all the same.

Ignoring him, she turns her attention back to Raps and pulls away to face her. “Well, regardless, I’m here now . Happy birthday, Rapunzel.”

Rapunzel reaches for her hands, entwining them, and for a moment Cass feels a horrific sense of deja vu – standing in the moonstone’s chamber, Rapunzel’s hair a swaying golden beacon, their fingers laced and faces close, such a tender moment and all the while, intense betrayal and anguish and hatred is tearing through her, clawing to get out–

But this isn’t then, this is now. And she is beautiful.

Rapunzel beams at Cass, but there’s a flicker of recognition in her eyes that roots them to the spot, just for a moment. She feels it too, Cass realises with a sinking feeling.

But in an act so defiant, as though to challenge the power of that awful memory, Rapunzel draws Cassandra’s gloved hands up to her lips and kisses them, just for a moment. Cass is pretty sure she can hear the king’s jaw drop in disbelief, but she’s far too shocked herself to glance over at him to confirm that. Rapunzel, oblivious to the surprise of those around her, quickly drops their hands and slings an arm around Cass’s shoulder, grinning from ear to ear as she turns to address the crowd.

“Thank you all so much for coming, and for celebrating my birthday on this fine day! Now,” she says brightly, “shall we let the celebration begin?”

From over the resounding cheer of the crowd, Cass hears Eugene burst out laughing behind them.

…

As far as Coronan celebrations go (of which there are far too many to commit to memory, in Cassandra’s opinion), this is one of the more enjoyable ones. The king and queen’s birthday festivities are usually more of a formal affair - there’s typically a banquet held within the castle and a more general celebration held in the courtyard for the public. Rapunzel, ever the fan of blurring the lines, has managed to merge the two somehow. The end result is an enormous buffet-style spread, two dance floors accompanied with separate musicians (one in the throne room they were decorating earlier with a formal string quartet, and one outside in the courtyard with a rowdier folk band that often performs at The Snuggly Duckling), and a whole lot of chaos.

Well, at least there are no gophers to chase after.

Cass, for the most part, has been hanging around the edges of the throne room to keep a low profile. People have been side-eyeing her all afternoon, though whether it's from the affectionate interaction with Rapunzel earlier or the whole former-enemy-of-the-kingdom thing remains to be seen. Either way, it’s better to avoid engaging with people when possible. Out in the courtyard, Rapunzel and Lance are caught up in some complicated jig of sorts, light on their feet and faces flushed with exertion as they dominate the dance floor. This gives Eugene the perfect opportunity to side up to her, a spare tumbler of punch in his hand. Pascal rests on his shoulder, watching Rapunzel’s dance in a similar trance.

“Thirsty?” he prompts, holding it out to her. She takes the drink from him and utters, “Parched, just from watching them.”

He laughs, and leans against the wall. “So, are you glad to be back?”

“Sure. I mean, I’ve missed it all, more than I thought I would. But…”

“But let me guess, you mostly came back for Rapunzel?” he finishes. “And now you’re pissed because you’ve barely spent a minute with her since the PDA fiasco that sent you scuttling right into the corner?”

The accuracy stings, it truly does. She goes to protest, but both Eugene and Pascal fix her with knowing looks. Cass hangs her head with a deep sigh.

“That obvious, huh?”

“Well yeah, everyone knows that Rapunzel is your favourite person in the world,” he says with a shrug. “And I know public affection isn’t your thing, at all. Here, hold this for me.”

He holds out his own cup for her and she takes it, eyeing him dubiously as he reaches for a small silver flask in his jacket pocket. He sprinkles a few drops into his drink.

“It all just took me by surprise, that’s all.” Cass sips at her drink gloomily and hands his cup back to him. “I didn’t hate it.”

“Still, here you are. Miserable in the face of festivities as always,” Eugene sighs, nudging her with his elbow in amusement. He takes a sip of his seasoned drink, smacking his lips in satisfaction. Still perched on his shoulder, Pascal shakes his head in exasperation. “Whoo, that’s better. You know what that punch bowl needs? Some rum in it. You want some?”

“I’ll pass, thanks.”

She rolls her eyes at him, but tones down the aggression. After all, he’s right; why did she even bother to come back for Rapunzel’s birthday, if she’s just going to bring the mood down?

“I’ll… try harder not to be such a downer,” she offers.

“How noble of you. You know, you should just tell Rapunzel you want some time alone with her, she won’t exactly turn that offer down,” he points out.

“Don’t be ridiculous. I’m not going to pull her away from the party, she’s having fun .”

“She has fun with you .” As the song comes to an end, leaving Rapunzel being dramatically dipped by Lance, she catches Eugene’s eye from across the floor and waves. He waves back, before beckoning her over.

“Don’t,” Cass warns. Predictably, he ignores her.

“Hey! What’s up, guys?” Rapunzel asks breathlessly as she bounds over. “Did you see our dance? Lance is a natural, who knew?”

“It was something, all right,” Cass begins, draining the last of her drink and setting it aside.

“Yeah, it was great! But listen, sunshine. Your girlfriend here,” Eugene says matter-of-factly, jerking his thumb towards her, “who has travelled many miles to be here today, is lonely. Now, you’ve danced with me and Lance and your parents and it’s been great, but our girl Cass here is more of the wallflower type, so why don’t you two find somewhere private and catch up, huh?”

“Eugene!” snaps Cass, mortified.

“Sorry, Cass!” Rapunzel apologises immediately, reaching for her hand. “I didn’t realise, I got so swept up in all the dancing and cheer-”

“Rapunzel, it’s fine,” Cass interrupts. “More than fine. It’s your birthday, you should spend it however you want!”

“Sure, but… if we’re being honest with each other, Cass, I would like some time with you,” Rapunzel admits, squeezing Cassandra’s hand. Cass squeezes back, before quickly dropping it. “I mean, since we can’t be all… you know, ourselves in public at this point.”

Guilt stakes Cass through the heart at that. She shouldn’t have let go so fast.

“Yeah. I’m sorry, Raps, it’s just still a bit-”

“Hey, no, only happy stuff today, please!” Eugene intervenes. He claps a hand on both their backs and begins steering them towards the back exit of the throne room. “Now, I think you two should duck out now, find a quiet place away from the chaos down here. Go talk. Give presents. Make out if you want, I don’t care. The frog and I can hold down the fort. Oh, but we’re setting off the lanterns in an hour, so don’t stay too long, okay? All right, have fun!”

And with that, the door swings shut behind them, leaving the two of them alone.

…

Eugene did them a favour, really. Cass will have to thank him later.

Walking through the empty castle walls in silence, they eventually find themselves climbing the small tower overlooking the training grounds; a spot they’ve spent countless afternoons in before, idly watching the soldiers train. Cass would silently watch on while pouring tea or adjusting a tray of watercolour paints, envying each and every one of them, all while pretending not to feel Rapunzel’s wistful eyes burning holes into her from behind. This time, after opening the trap door and helping her up, she holds Rapunzel’s gaze with equal yearning. God, it’s been far too long since she’s had Rapunzel all to herself.

The first thing they do, after the trap door slams shut, is kiss. It’s quick, and Cass still finds herself glancing around furtively in case of any curious onlookers, but they’re blissfully alone besides from one soldier posted at the edge of the grounds.

“He’s too far away to see anything,” Rapunzel remarks, already able to read Cassandra’s thoughts perfectly. “Now, can I kiss you again?”

The impatience in her voice sends a giggle rippling through Cass, and she nods, reaching for Rapunzel's waist and pulling her in for a second kiss; one that she can almost feel her smiling through. Fuck, she's missed this.

“So,” she says, leaning back against the wall as Rapunzel stands giggling before her, “good birthday, Raps?”

“Best birthday!” she declares sunnily.

“Oh, really? Best birthday? Better than escaping the tower and reuniting with your long-lost family?”

Rapunzel stops, and hums in thought. “Okay, fine, you’re right. Second best birthday.”

“That’s more like it.” Cass turns to stare out at the twilight sky ahead. “It’s a beautiful day for a birthday, Rapunzel, I have to say.”

“Isn’t it just?” Rapunzel sighs, scooting up beside her. “Every year I used to look out the window of the tower and stare at a sky like this. Even though I knew the lanterns set off at nightfall, I would just sit and watch the sky grow pinker and darker in anticipation for it. Even now, I have this… this jittery feeling in my chest.”

“Brings back some mixed emotions, huh?”

Rapunzel nods, her smile falling slightly. “It feels like a whole lifetime ago. I suppose it is now. Hey, what were my birthdays like for you, before I was here?”

Cass shrugs. “Castle life largely went on as normal, I guess. Your parents were sad, of course, so there was this air of mourning in the palace, even though the townspeople treated it more as a celebration of your life and the hope of your return. We would leave little messages inside each lantern, it was kind of a custom everyone followed.”

“Did you write me lanterns?” Rapunzel asks, turning to her with raised eyebrows.

“Everybody did, it’s not a big deal,” Cass starts, feeling the beginnings of a blush creeping in as she remembers the kind of things she used to write. “You remember all the lanterns we found on Terapi Island.”

“Yeah, but I never thought to look for yours! Do you remember the kind of things you wrote?” she probes, grinning from ear to ear. “Come on, Cass, tell me! It’s my birthday, you have to!”

Rapunzel bears those big eyes, ones Cass used to be able to say no to, and she curses that Rapunzel’s love has made her so soft inside.

“Fine. Ugh. Um, let’s see, I used to… okay, now don’t laugh.”

“I won’t!” Rapunzel promises, hand on heart, although her eyes are already beginning to crinkle in anticipation.

“You’d better not! Um. Okay, so when I was younger I had this… this dumb idea that maybe when I was older and stronger I could like – rescue you. Me and Max or Fidella would go on a lone journey, searching the lands far and wide for the lost princess, and we’d bring you home and I would, you know… be promoted to the guard.”

She cringes at the very fantasy her young mind used to entertain as Rapunzel squeals beside her.

“Oh, Cass! That’s just-”

“You said you wouldn’t laugh,” Cass reminds her with a grumble, burying her head in her hands.

“I’m not laughing , it’s just so sweet! You really wanted to bring me home?”

“Yeah. For a time. As I grew older and I was stuck doing maid duties, I kind of gave up on that particular dream, but then one day… there you were. And our lives got all mixed up after the fact.”

Rapunzel reaches over to rest her hand atop Cassandra’s, squeezing lightly.

“I’m glad they did. I don’t know what my life would be like without you, Cass, but I don’t regret it.”

“It wouldn’t be so bad,” Cass says wryly. “You’d still have Eugene.”

“I couldn’t picture my life without either of you,” Rapunzel insists. “Don’t act like you aren’t both equally important to me.”

“Sorry, sorry.” Cass reaches with her free hand to fish around in her pocket. “Hey, Rapunzel. Close your eyes.”

“Oh, okay.” She twists her face towards Cass and shuts her eyes, before pursing her lips expectantly. Cass rolls her eyes fondly.

“Okay, hotshot, not what I was going for. Hold out your hand.”

“Can I still get a kiss though?”

“Later. Hand, now.”

Cass takes out the bracelets she fashioned this morning from the blue stones of the lagoon and carefully fastens one around Rapunzel’s outstretched wrist. They’re nothing too special to look at, honestly; a little clumsier than the ones that Rapunzel originally made, for sure. The gesture will surely make up for it, though.

Rapunzel’s eyes open, and she gasps.

“You remade our lagoon bracelets?!” Rapunzel’s eyes are alight with amazement. “But you hate making jewellery!”

Cass shrugs. She isn’t about to go into detail about what a pain in the ass it was to thread the bracelets, and the number of times she stabbed her fingers in the process. She’d thanked the stars for her gloves being so sturdy. “Ehh. I hate making jewellery most of the time. I can make an exception when it comes to you.”

“Cass, they’re beautiful! I don’t know what to say!” Rapunzel hugs her tightly, pressing several kisses to her cheek when she pulls back again. “But I thought you said they should be returned to sacred ground?”

“Well, yeah, I did, but I’ve, um… I’ve actually been studying a little Saporian on the road,” Cass admits sheepishly. “A bit of language, a bit of the history. Just to pass the time on rainy days when it’s hard to travel, you know? Anyway, I found a history book that spoke of Herz Der Sonne and General Champanier. Did you know, they each wore matching pendants until the day they died? Matching blue pendants, the historians say.”

“The lagoon stones,” breathes Rapunzel. Cass nods.

“They were most likely buried in them, so I reckon we may never know for sure, but…” Cass bows her head to avoid Rapunzel’s eyes as she adds, “Since the lagoon was where they fell in love, it’s understandable that the blue stones were significant to them.”

“Just like they’re significant to us.” Rapunzel’s voice is soft, barely above a whisper, and full of awe. Cass swallows and nods.

“I… I thought, if the people who discovered this lagoon allowed themselves to take mementos without the world ending…”

Rapunzel’s hands find hers in the fast-fading light, winding tightly together.

“I will treasure this, Cassandra, for the rest of my days. Hey, maybe we can get buried wearing these too?” Her voice is light, teasing, but beneath that airy joke is something a little more… personal. Permanent. It makes Cass’s heart soar.

Rapunzel leans in and kisses her softly. “I love them. I love you .”

Cass melts a little, at that. “Oh. Oh, I… Yeah. Me too.”

“Here, give me the bracelet.” Rapunzel takes the other bracelet from Cassandra’s outstretched hand and ties it around her wrist. “Now, maybe it’s not the most practical thing to wear it over the glove, but it’ll be fine for tonight. Here, now we match!”

They hold their arms up against the glare of the rapidly setting sun, watching the light gleam through the stones. They glitter like they do beneath the waves of the lagoon, if only temporarily.

“You know… You feel different now, Cass.”

Cass cocks her head to the side, trying to work out what exactly Rapunzel means by that statement as she watches dreamily as the sun disappears below the highest turrets of the castle, distorting the colour of the grounds below. Has she picked up some kind of accent on the road that makes her sound off to native Coronans? Have the facial scars distorted her appearance too much? Is she acting haughty, aloof, more so than before thanks to her time on the road?

“I’m different?” Cass prompts.

“Not in a bad way,” Raps laughs, eyes crinkling with her smile. Her gaze roams over Cass, fully taking her in, before she adds on decidedly, “It’s just the way you are now. I don’t think I could describe it fully, but the life in you, it’s so different to how you were when… when you were at your lowest. It makes me proud of the person you’ve become.”

Cass is stunned. It’s not that she didn’t expect Rapunzel to comment on this; no, she knew she would be praised in some form, because Rapunzel simply can’t help trying to uplift people whenever she can. But she hadn’t prepared for Rapunzel to cut to the heart of the matter so quickly. It’s foolish, she knows, to think that Raps wouldn’t be able to see the effort Cass has taken to become this new version of herself. It’s an image she can’t always keep up, but it’s something she has worked hard towards before feeling ready to show her face around here again.

Rapunzel being proud of her is, shockingly, the remedy that she’s craved since the moment she stepped through the gates.

“You think I’m different now?” Cass bleats uselessly, unable to stop that goofy smile from creeping in. Rapunzel grins and leans over, pecking her forehead quickly before retreating.

“I think you’re getting closer to your authentic self. And it makes me really love you.”

Cass laughs nervously, swivelling away to watch over the field down below so that hopefully Rapunzel can’t see just how flushed she’s become.

As they lapse into a comfortable silence, the rumble of footsteps begin to flood the corridors leading out onto the training pitch. Cass strains her eyes and realises, as light fills each corner of the grounds, that all of the partygoers are congregating onto the pitch below, each holding a lit paper lantern.

“So this is where they’re setting them off,” Rapunzel remarks. “We’ve been caught out. Just our luck.”

“Well, Fitzherbert could have been more specific,” grumbles Cass, without any real venom in her tone. After all, she still owes him one for pushing the two of them into some alone time in the first place. “I guess we should head down and join them.”

“I suppose,” Rapunzel says, almost sounding disappointed at having to cut their time short. “Hey, did you make a lantern this time?”

“Of course. It’s nothing fancy, though. You know that artsy stuff isn’t really my strong suit.”

“I don’t know, Cass. You did make us these bracelets, after all…”

Rapunzel, glancing between the slowly gathering crowd and Cassandra’s face, makes a split-second decision and kisses her cheek once more, before crouching down to pull the door hatch open. Damn, what Cass wouldn’t give for this to be a boat they could undock from the walls of Corona and sail off into the night, away from all these prying eyes. Anything to squeeze a few extra minutes out of this situation.

Fiddling with her hands, she pipes up, “...I could say the same about you, you know.”

Rapunzel pulls the hatch open and cranes her neck to look back at her, brow furrowed in confusion.

“What’s that?”

“About being different now? You’re growing into yourself too,” Cass continues, moving to sit down on the floor, away from the curious view of the gathering crowd below. “I remember how terrified you were at the prospect of running a kingdom, but just look at all this! Seems to me that you’ve really come into your own since I’ve been gone.”

Rapunzel sits back beside her, face glowing at Cassandra’s compliment.

“Well, I love this place! And now that the magic, sundrop, saving the world destiny is behind us, I have more time to focus on this destiny instead. Turns out, it suits me more than I ever believed it would.”

“I haven’t seen Corona this happy and at peace in a long time. Whatever Rapunzel Positivity you’ve been spreading to the people, it’s working.”

“Hopefully it’ll stay this way for a little while longer.” She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and peeks over at her, meadow-green eyes bearing into hers. “I’m so glad you came back, Cass.”

“I’m glad too. You really believed I wouldn’t fight tooth and nail to come back for your birthday?”

“I didn’t know how far away you might be!” Rapunzel points out. “If you were all the way across the continent I wouldn’t expect you to make it back in time, and you haven’t written to me in weeks!”

“Because I was travelling!”

“Well, I’d still like to know next time!” Rapunzel takes a playful swing at her arm and Cass dodges, unable to hold back her laughter any longer. It doesn’t take long for Rapunzel to follow suit, their heads resting together as they giggle in the semi-darkness. When at last they’ve run out of steam, Rapunzel peeks over the rim of the tower.

“I see Eugene. Looks like he’s holding an extra lantern.”

“Probably mine,” Cass offers. “Since everybody else is accounted for but us.”

“Guess that’s our cue to head down there, then.” Rapunzel begins to climb down the ladder, before stopping, just as her head pokes out the top of the door. “So, did you write a poem in yours, or…”

“I’m not telling you!” Cass insists, poking her nose with a grin. “If you’re lucky I’ll let you squint at it through the paper before we set them off.”

“Well, is it romantic?” Rapunzel probes. Cass smiles inwardly as she recalls the words she wrote for Rapunzel, short and sweet, knowing that they’ll wind up on Terapi Island with no one to read them but the lorbs.

I love you, Raps. And for as long as the sun shines, I will never stop.

“...Maybe.” Lowering her voice to a whisper, Cass adds conspiratorially, “But you can’t tell anybody.”

Rapunzel mimes sealing her lips. “It goes to the grave,” she says seriously. “Now. One more kiss before we go?”

Rolling her eyes, Cass leans down to bridge the gap.

[mcrvellouslystcrk]

Recognition

Pairing: Paul McCartney x Reader

Words: 1732

Warning: Just some swear words 

Author’s Note: This was supposed to be pure fluffy fluff but it turned out somehow different. It’s still pretty fluffy oh well. Enjoy while I work on request!

It was very early in the morning and the sun was not quite up yet, but you were feeling great. Being the only girl in a guy music group could be tricky, especially considering the conservative aspect of the mid 60s society, but you managed to pull it off like the boss you were. About a week ago, the band had been invited to a television set to promote your new album, and you totally showed off your guitar skills in a delicate solo. Everyone seemed to be in awe, and the interviewer, as well as the rest of the sceptics, stopped wondering what you were doing in the Beatles.

 Anyway, you were feeling much less tense than the other days when you began driving to the studio that morning, Paul by your side. You were living close to his Cavendish Avenue house in St John’s Wood, and you were going to the studio together most of the times. You put your feet up next to the wheel and leaned on the passenger seat, observing the quiet neighbourhood slowly waking up.

 Paul sneaked a glance at you and caught your dreamy smile against the half opened window. It immediately soothed him, and he felt quite amazed at how much he could be affected by you. He never attempted a move, though, sensing you certainly just saw him as a very good friend, even some kind of brother, and nothing more. It hurt him, but it was way easier to control his feelings as you were not seeing anybody and generally did not talk about possible love interests.

 You turned to face him, eyes still sort of sleepy, and stretched a hand to shuffle his soft hair. He sent you an amused look and tried to tidy it up again, eyes on the road. That is what you loved the most about Paul; he accepted your little outburst of affection and other quirks without feeling the need to say something. You both could spend hours not talking, just enjoying each other’s company while strumming some tunes on your instruments or sipping tea in front of the television.

 You mirrored his expression and took a box of homemade cookies out of your tote bag. He tried to take one but you gently slapped his hand away.

 “They’re for George!”

 His pouty lips formed an offended ‘o’.

 “Firstly, that’s unfair, and second, why are you eating them?”

 “Because I made them! I’m entitled to. And I’m sorta hungry.”

 Paul sent you a pleading look, making you chuckle. Sighing, you put a cookie in his hand as you were arriving to the studio. You could not resist that boy anything.

 “Thanks, love.”

 Your heart fluttered at the nickname.

 “Yeah, whatever.”

 Getting out of the car, you pulled your guitar out of the backseat and moved towards the entrance of the studio before getting stopped by a young man in his twenties, closely followed by a pair of giggling teenage girls.

 “Hello,” he started with a hesitant smile.

 You upped an eyebrow. He was different from the other fans you had to face; he seemed ready to back off if he saw you were not in the mood. And he was also quite pretty for a man. A bit like Paul…man, I do have a type.

 “Hi. Can I do something for you?”

 “Yes, I’m awfully sorry for the inconvenience, but my sisters over there are too shy to ask for an autograph so here I am…”

 “Oh, sure, sure.”

 Placing the guitar case down for a moment, you took the pen he was handing you and signed the album covers next to your face. Paul had been following the exchange from behind the car, and decided to move around it to join you after seeing the smile you gave the man. The two girls murmured something in their brother’s ear, and he turned to Paul.

 “Excuse me, could you also sign?” he wondered with a smile.

 Paul took the albums coldly and started signing mechanically as the girls were watching him in awe. He sent them a wink but stayed focused on the small talk you were having with the guy.

 “So I caught you on that show the other day… You were exceptional.”

 “Really, you thought so?” you asked, picking up the guitar again, smiling consistently.

 “Yes! It was amazing.”

 “Yeah, well, she is, but now we’ve got to go, we have a lot of work today,” Paul intervened, catching your elbow.

 He nodded at the man and his sisters, starting pulling you away. You frowned but smiled at them once more and shook the man’s hand before entering the building.

 “Paul! What the hell?”

 He shrugged, eyes in front of him as you both made your way to the recording room.

 “He was flirting with you, and I’m pretty sure he couldn’t care less about your talent. He kept ogling your dress! Which is way too short for a work day, by the way!”

 You scoffed, rather hurt.

 “You didn’t seem to mind it during the drive,” you exclaimed, pissed off. “I saw you checking out my legs!”

 “Well, I’m just a friend, right? So it doesn’t matter. And I’m not trying to use you for sex or to get famous or anything, because I already am!”

 He stopped right before opening the door and you collided. Turning him around, you pointed an accusing finger at him as the other three appeared, drawn to the scene because of the all the screaming. Yes, there were mostly cosy silences or lively conversations between you and Paul, but there sometimes were screaming and disagreements as well.

 “Oi, what’s going on with you lovebirds?” John exclaimed.

 He had started calling you that after he had found you two passed out on one of the studio’s couches after a long, tiring day, your head on his shoulder and his arms around your waist. You both had woken up like a blushing mess and denied any feelings involved, but it didn’t fool John and the nickname stuck.

 “Shut up, Lennon. What did you just say?” You asked menacingly to Paul, eyes narrowed.

 He crossed his arms, rolling his eyes.

 “I’m just saying you should be careful, Y/N. People are not always kind for no reason.”

 “So, you believe people only see me as a piece of meat? I don’t think so, McCartney, because I am talented, very talented, and people are aware of it. And if they also like what they see on top of what they hear, then I don’t see how it is your business!”

 “Y/N, you’ve got to accept the possibility that they just want to use you!”

 You blinked several times.

 “Well, I can return the suggestion to you, considering all the brainless things that jump you wherever we go!”

 You pushed him out of your way and stepped in the recording you. Giving a small nod to Brian, George Martin and the technicians (who had probably heard everything), you sat on your chair and started tuning your guitar. A pair of feet appeared in front of you and you were about to tell them to fuck off when you realized it was George. Trying to calm yourself, you smiled at him. It wasn’t his fault your morning had turned out to be bad after all.

 “Geo, I made you those cookies you like, you know, with the dark chocolate bits. They’re in my bag.”

 His toothy grin made his cheekbones look sharper as he took a seat next to you.

 “Thanks, Y/N. I’ll get you those scones more often then.”

 “That’s my boy! You know I live for these kinds of exchanges.”

 “Naturally. So… What happened?”

 “Nothing, he was just being an arse. I don’t wanna talk about it.”

 “Y/N, Paul may be one of the persons who admire you the most. I know that because he always asks and listens to your advice on a song. He has learnt a lot from you just as you have from him, and he cherishes the fact that you are part of the band. I’m pretty sure he considers you as some kind of gem – which you are, to be honest – that could realise she’s far too better for us and leave.”

 “But it’s not some random fan who’s going to take me away, like…”

 “Yeah, well, that’s because he doesn’t only love you, like we all do. He’s in love with you.”

 “What?”

 John, Ringo and Paul turned their heads to you, hearing your shocked tone. You locked eyes with the latter. He still looked annoyed with you but there was something else there. Something more intense.

 “I’m only telling you because I know you’re in love with him too.”

 For once, you did not even bother to deny it; it was high time to act on your feelings. Tapping George’s shoulder as a thank you, you got up and practically ran to Paul.

 “What the fuck, McCartney!”

 He got up as well, confused and frustrated.

 “What? What do you want now?”

 “Why didn’t tell me it was just a jealousy crisis and attacked my music skills instead?”

 “Who said I was jealous? And why would I be? I – George, you’re going to pay for this – don’t-”

 You waved his babbles away and pulled him from his collar, your lips crashing against his. He stopped trying to justify himself and pulled you closer, his hands on the sides of your face. You heard John whistle in the background but you could not find the energy to flip him off with what Paul was doing to you. You also heard a snapshot, probably Ringo’s camera, but you did not mind.

 The kiss lasted until you both were out of breath. Breaking it off, you panted slightly, palms resting against his chest. The air between you was electrifying, and you looked up to plunge in his hazel doe eyes. He let his hands slide to your waist and held you in a soft but firm embrace. Nobody around you seemed to want to break the silence that had settled.

 You felt a gentle smile coming to your lips once again and he mirrored it. You both let go of each other at the same time, sharing a knowingly loving look before getting your instruments. The ambient sounds resumed as suddenly as they had stopped and you grabbed your guitar pick.

 “Well, shall we start?”

[xxisxxisxxis]

Gateway Drug | Part Thirty-Six

Table of Content or Part Thirty-Five

Read on wattpad here.

Word count: 3.3k

Warning(s): Explicit language, drug abuse, explicit sexual situations

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"If you weren't such an asshole, he wouldn't have to take up for me!" I bark at Nikki as he tipsily stumbles around, ranting at me about my "fucking friend not minding his own god damn business" nearly a week ago, as the guys and Doc just look on, not knowing what the hell either of us are talking about.

"I'm an asshole?! Like you don't get me riled up and then play victim?!" He throws at me.

"Like it takes very much to get your tweaked-out ass riled up!" I point at him.

"Bitch!" He sneers out.

"Fuck up!" I hiss back.

Duff wasn't even out of line with Nikki. He had kept calm and advised Nikki to cool down and then come back and talk to me instead of getting himself and me upset.

Nikki hadn't let on if he minded Duff's intervening to defend me, until a week later, because he was taking it as Duff trying to tell him how to be married to me as if he knew me better than Nikki did, which wasn't at all Duff's intention.

Compared to the number I've seen Duff do on guys during a fist fight, Nikki was lucky he didn't lay him out in the driveway. However, he would eventually know what it felt like to be punched in the face by Duff during the "Girls" tour.

Duff was good at keeping his cool until the people he cared about became involved, and if he had been drinking a lot--which, towards the early 90s, that was the case--his temper could surpass mine, and he worried less about legalities and just started decking people as hard as he could.

I knew he struggled with the band, they weren't as close, Steven had been replaced by Matt Sorum, Izzy got sober and began distancing himself to stay sober, and to top off the disconnect from each other, Axl had become God in his own mind, which caused the fans, the band, and the people around him to suffer.

Once I realized his drinking and drug use became so overzealous, our agreement which was arranged out of court, that each of us have two weeks with Monroe a piece, became an arrangement that I had sole custody but took Monroe to visit his father for a few days out of the month. Duff was struggling so badly to keep it together with his mental health, addiction, and ailing of his band, that he didn't really notice I had our son more than he did.

If he had been a baby and wouldn't remember his father throwing back Solo cup after Solo cup of vodka, putting cocaine in the end of his cigarette and smoking it, and not acting like himself, I would have just left Monroe in the care of Tansy (since she was fully sober then) and let him stay around for two weeks.

But he was four when Duff started speeding down hill, and he was picking up on when his dad wasn't talking right and when he was acting weird, everything he saw that no one knew he was paying attention to...then he'd come back to me and Nikki after visiting and tell us about everything he had absorbed like a sponge: uncle Izzy traveling separately from the band, Dad being really cold and shivering until he got some water, uncle Axl not singing until a lot of people went home...that's when I decided to cut back time spent with his father and accompany him through his visits.

At first I thought I would be fine staying the two weeks out of the month with Monroe, but Axl and I couldn't quit fighting a majority of the time (because he was a jackass) and I came to the conclusion that Duff had enough on his plate and didn't need me to add to it by trying to punch Axl every chance I got for two weeks straight. So I cut it back to about five days out the month while they were on tour. When they weren't touring and I didn't have to be around Axl, Monroe and I would stay with Duff for about a week and a half.

Being that Nikki was more conscious than Duff, he took up where Duff had left off in the fathering department from '92-'94. This isn't me bashing the dad of my first child, either. Duff is and always will be a phenomenal father, but he stumbled for a few years, leaving Nikki to become the father Duff was supposed to be until Duff got his shit together, like Duff became the man for me that Nikki was suppose to be until Nikki got his shit together.

"Um..." Vince says, causing the both of us to glare at him. "...Can we rehearse now?"

He, Tommy, Mick and Doc were all patiently waiting for Nikki and I to finish our quarrel.

"Yeah." I sigh out. "Have a good rehearsal. I'll be at Tansy's." I head to the door.

"I hope you crash." Nikki gets one last jab in.

"I hope you OD." I leave them with the slamming of the studio door and step to my car.

Of course I didn't actually want him to OD, I just wanted to hurt him. And I did.

By the time it was time for the U.S. tour of Theater of Pain, our hands were being pinned behind our backs, and Doc was giving us a "get along or there's no Vivian Sixx on the tour" promise.

Although we were in the middle of a small battle and wanted nothing more than for the other person to wave their white flag and beg for forgiveness, Nikki didn't want to imagine going months without seeing me, and I was scared if I wasn't on tour to keep an eye on him, he would take his issues too far.

So we made up for the sake of each other's sanity, but again, never discussed what exactly happened to make us fight to begin with, and just harbored resentment we didn't realize we were holding onto until we started taking it out on each other later on.

The tour starts in upstate New York, then to Connecticut, Massachusetts, Rhode Island, and all went great...until Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

Nikki's coming to the side of the stage where me and his tech are standing, and I think he's reaching for some water while Tommy plays his drum solo, but before I can reach down and grab a bottle from the cooler behind me, Nikki's saying words I always dread hearing.

"Help me, dude." He tells his tech, starting to pull his arm out of his navy and white polka-dotted costume.

"What?" I ask Nikki, before my face pales, seeing him pull a needle out of his boot, and a spoon before handing the lump of tar to him. "You cannot be fucking serious?" I spout over the booming of Tommy's playing.

"Nobody out there can fucking see me, Viv, chill out." He tells me as a piece of tar is melted down with a lighter underneath the spoon.

The fact that it's so casual for him to do this in front of me, is startling.

"Nikki, this can't wait?" I try to reason with him as the spoon is discarded to the floor once the gold is sucked up through the needle.

The syringe is handed back to him, and Tommy's solo is nearly over.

I have to squeeze my eyes shut and turn my head as Nikki plunges the needle into his skin, throws up, then stumbles back on stage, nearly missing his cue.

When the drugs started to override his need for a great performance, I knew he was gone.

I get out of the shower, ringing my hair out and running my fingers through it, hearing the phone in the hotel room ring.

When I go to answer it, Nikki and Tommy are grabbing at it, shewing me away.

"Hello?" They both obnoxiously say and I roll my eyes.

The person on the other side of the phone says something.

"Oh, hey, Duff." Nikki smirks, glancing at me and I give him a "you better be fucking nice" look.

"Hey, Buddy." Tommy adds.

"Viv? Yeah, she's here." Nikki tells him and I step to them, reaching my hand out to grab the phone, thinking he's going to give it to me. "Well, she can't really talk right now with my dick down her throat."

My eyes bug out of my head as I tackle Nikki and yank the phone from him while he and Tommy laugh loudly.

"Hello?" I ask.

"Hey, s-sorry to interrupt but I was just gonna call and check how it's been going." Duff replies.

"It's great." I assure him, leaving out the heavy drinking and drug binge Nikki and Tommy have been on.

"How's Nikki been? Is he still pissed at me?"

"No, no, he's been..." I think of what to say. Shooting heroin on stage? Coked out and shooting Jack Daniels with Tommy? "...great." I finally say, seeing Nikki and Tommy biting each others ankles like dogs.

"I'm sorry again if I overstepped, Viv. I didn't mean to, I just got a little pissed." He tells me.

"Duff, he's fine, I promise." I state, seeing Tommy and Nikki start wrestling, completely oblivious to my conversation. "It's fine. I'm use to his tantrums."

"I don't think that's healthy, Viv." He tells me calmly and I let out a breath.

"He's just stressed out, they all are. It'll get better once this tour is done."

"And what happens next tour?" He asks me.

Nikki's affair is outed on television, I try to kill him, your band comes on tour with them, and you get me knocked up...

"I'm hoping he'll be over this hellion phase by then." I admit, Tommy and Nikki each have handfuls of each other's hair, yanking on it, still not paying me any attention.

"Maybe it's not my place, but from outside looking in, I'm worried about you, Viv."

"I know, I know, but there's no need to." I reassure him.

He let's out a breath, knowing he can't win, and gives up for now.

"I feel like the fucking brick wall you argue with." He tells me and I smile, rubbing my lips together, before seeing Nikki and Tommy finish their play fighting, standing up, looking like they're about to leave.

"Hey, I gotta go but I'll call you when we get to the next city, alright?" I tell him.

"Oh, yeah, that sounds good." He replies. "Goodnight, love you."

"Love you, too." I reply before hanging up just as Nikki and Tommy sneak to the door. "Where do you two think you're going?" I ask and they freeze.

"Uh, well..." Tommy stutters to come up with an excuse, but Nikki just doesn't give a shit.

"Score some stuff." He tells me and I cross my arms over my towel.

"Nikki--"

"Tommy, can you give us a second?" Nikki says it like the answer can't be "no."

Tommy just raises his brows a little and nods.

"Sure, man, I'll be in my room when you're ready." He tells him, stepping out.

Nikki shuts the door behind him and I wait for him to start a fight, my brow raised, an expression of "can't wait to hear what audacious bullshit comes out of your mouth this time" is plastered all over my face when he turns around.

As far as I can tell, he hasn't snorted, shot up or smoked anything in the past hour and a half, which means I'm not facing the absolute devil that goes by the name "Sikki" and is Nikki's evil, drug loaded, irritable, mean, scary, abusive, demonic, sadistic, cruel, vindictive, disgusting alter-ego.

Nikki rolls his jaw a little with each step to me, but I don't cower back, waiting for him to say whatever it is he is going to say.

His hands bunch at my towel, pulling me against him.

He doesn't say a word, and I keep my arms crossed until he holds back the inkling of a smirk, leaning down to press a small kiss where my shoulder and neck meet.

I know what he's doing, because I do it to him all the time: using sex to get what he wants.

I bite my tongue to keep from moaning when we realizes I'm not budging and ups the anti, the tip of his tongue making slow, figure-eights in the same spot.

I feel like someone's knocked the back of my knees loose with a baseball bat, and I have to uncross my arms and hold tightly to him to keep from falling down.

He completely engulfs me in his arms at the sound of me letting out a whimper, my fingers grabbing at his hair, my legs rubbing themselves together to aid some relief.

His hands pull at my towel, discarding it to the floor, pressing his lips along my chest, over my breast, running his tongue around my nipple skillfully.

Hands run themselves between my legs while teeth carnally tug and bruise my skin, sending a wave of heat from my chest to my dripping core.

His mouth moves to my other nipple, but my real undoing is when his teeth trail down to the rib below my right breast, and bite down.

I gasp out, arching into him, my head tips back as he adds a bruise to the skin there that's already scarred with his teeth imprints collected over the years.

He smooths his tongue over the bite before trailing down my stomach, pressing to my pubic bone.

He pulls one of my legs over his shoulder as he gets on his knees, pressing gentle kisses down my inner thigh.

My chest is heaving with loss of breath as he looks me in the eyes and runs tongue from my entrance to my clit.

I dig my nails into his hands that hold steady at my waist as the slick sound and euphoric feeling of his tongue lacing back and forth and side to side against the sensitive nerve endings.

He pulls away for a moment, only to spit between my legs and suck it off my pussy, making my one standing leg go numb at the sensation.

Shallow pants leave my mouth as I start moving in rhythm with him, one of my hands reaching for his hair, pulling at it.

He takes one of his hands from me before rubbing it against my folds, getting his fingers wet, and sliding them into me.

The thick, fullness has my walls tightening around the two digits, eager to please myself as his tongue massages my clit, and my fingers come up to play with my own nipples.

"Nikki." I let out shakily, his fingers curling inside of me, pulling back out, pushing back in only to repeat. "Fuck, you do it so good." I praise hoarsely, one of my hands going back to his hair.

His tongue picks up it's pace, sending my heart rate into overdrive as his fingers keep up with the pace.

He knows exactly what he's doing, smirking up at me when his fingers hit the spot, my throat unable to contain the loud but curt moan that the people in the room next to us can probably hear as I milk his fingers as if they're his cock and my orgasm gets closer and closer.

He pulls his mouth away, licking his lips, before using the pad of his thumb from his other hand to rapidly rub at my swollen flesh.

I grip around his fingers so tightly it falters his ability to move them as well, and he lets out a little groan.

"I wish I could be three places at one time." He comments.

If he could be three places in me at one time I would be wrapped around him 24/7.

"C'mon, Viv, I'm getting really thirsty here." He says gruffly, that fucking smirk pulling at a corner of his mouth, as I throw my head back, letting out another loud moan, so close to my end I can taste it.

His hazel eyes looking up at me in adoration as I curl my toes and come so hard I see black dots.

He's taking his fingers out of me, grabbing at my ass with both hands, pulling me into him and licking every last drop of cum from me before I collapse on top of him, the both of us landing on the floor.

He let's out a laugh as I try to catch my breath, my chest pressed against his, my hands holding at his biceps.

"Are you okay?" He asks me, proudly, and I nod.

"I just need a minute..." I can barely get out in a rasp.

After about five minutes, I'm getting off of him and pulling myself onto the foot of the bed.

He stands up, too, stepping to my suitcase, tossing me one of his shirts he gave to me.

"Thank you." I say to him quietly and pull it on and when he pulls his jacket on, I know he's about to go out to get some more smack.

This terrifies me and tears come to my eyes.

"I'll be back in..." He stops talking, furrowing his brows, looking at me. "...Viv?"

I shake my head a little, waving him off.

"I'm fine, babe." I try to tell him.

"Vivian, why're crying." He asks me.

"I-I think I'm about to start my period." I lie, sniffling. "I'm just being over-emotional."

"Are you sure?"

I nod.

"I'll be back in a couple hours, alright?"

I nod again.

"Alright, I'll see you later." He tells me, wiping my tears with his thumb before pressing his lips to mine for a few seconds, and walking out the door.

When I envisioned my life when I was little, getting married at nineteen, having three miscarriages by the time I was twenty-one, having an addict husband, and spending a majority of my nights sleeping alone—which is one thing I absolutely hated to do—was not at all how I dreamt of my life being when I grew up.

But there I was.

Night after night.

City after city.

Alone.

In pain.

Broken.

Silent.

With not a single soul knowing about it.

It's been four hours and Nikki still isn't back.

Restless, I turn over to read the digital alarm clock.

4:02a.m.

Sighing out, I get out of the bed and go to my suitcase to grab a pair of panties and slip them on, before grabbing one of Nikki's shirts from his bag that smells like him.

I leave the hotel room and head next door to Vince's room, knocking on the door.

After several attempts, the door opens to reveal a very confused, half asleep, blonde girl that isn't Sharise—who's baby is due any day now.

"Hi." I say, hushly, pushing past her. "Did you guys do anything in the bed?" I ask her once I'm standing by the bed and she rubs her eyes, still in a haze.

She mumbles something that sounds like "the shower" and I hold out my room key to her.

"You can go sleep in my bed. Room 223." I say.

She doesn't ask questions, she just wants to go back to sleep.

Once she shuts the door, I'm patting around the mattress to avoid laying on Vince.

I slip in where she was, Vince's back to me.

I seperate his naked body from me by laying on top of the sheet, just letting the comforter guard me from the cool air from the vent, and actually snuggle closer to him, my forehead pressing against his back as I hold Nikki's shirt close to me like it's my sacred baby blanket, and drift off.

[withered-rose-unbreakable-lotus]

Hey, what do you think is behind the decline in interest in VK in the West? It’s ridiculous how much the fandom has died down. Is it just because of the rise of kpop and the general decline in interest in all sorts of rock? Or are other factors at play - like how toxic the fandom could be?

In my opinion, kpop doesn’t really have much to do with it. People liked visual kei because it was different. What I think is responsible, because I’ve seen many fans admitting they grew out of it because of it, is a list of things (bear with me, it’s gonna be long):

1) disbands: While disbands were always a big thing in the visual kei scene, with more and more people translating stuff for fans and, bands getting on social media used by mostly western fans, like facebook and twitter, more western fans were exposed to how often this actually happens. Some fans maybe thought that visual kei is dying because of it, but truth is, disbands were always there, with smaller bands we might have never heard of, because there was sooo little information for us back then. Also, many big names in the visual kei scene have disbanded the last 5 years, which is why many fans thought that putting so much devotion and spending money on sth that could be destroyed at any moment isn’t worth it. For example (I am sorry if I am not wording this well ^^’), I knew fans who left vkei because they were tired of liking a band and then these bands kept disbanding. There is no stability. American artists and kpop artists do not break up or retire that easily, you know? And some fans want that stability or become too hearbroken when having lost a band they’ve been supporting for 10 years, or sth, and don’t want to go through that anymore (it might sound a little bit too much or dramatic, but there are fans out there who genuinely feel things about these bands, they have found some short of shelter in them and their music, so losing that band might hurt a lot and the best way to move on is by cutting ties with anything like them). In my case, this is the reason I barely like new bands anymore. I like finding newbies and keeping an eye on them but I do not actively follow them unless I am convinced they are in it for the long run. And honestly, so far, I’ve been lucky with this, because most of the people I chose to follow are still around, either as bandmen or sth else, or trying with new bands that I happen to like. Of course, I have lost some favorites too but I get it. It’s a hard life to live and, some people eventually change their mind, but not every fan feels this way and if they do, they try to “retire“ from the whole thing like their favorite artists and move on with their life. (I am in no way saying that a bandman shouldn’t leave his band when he feels like it, even if he is 20 years active. It’s their life, their rules and we should all respect that, but it seems to be hard for many people to do so, sometimes)

2) fandom. Like you mentioned, fandoms can be toxic. It happens with every fandom, though, not just visual kei, so I wouldn’t like to point fingers, especially because I’ve been lucky enough to meet some of my best friends through the fandom, most of whom aren’t even in it anymore. :P I can tell you with certainty that our lack of translators is entirely the fandom’s fault, though. People just don’t get what reblog or share with credits means and some people grow tired of it, you know? Contrary to common belief, translating a video of 30 minutes or an entire interview might take someone more than just a day, maybe even a week, and if people don’t respect that, then unfortunately the translator has to cut being nice to everyone and continue being a fan in privacy (they don’t get paid for this, they got their jobs, their families, but still wish to spend time sharing sth they love with others and helping them learn more about it through translating, even though, between us, some of those translations are illegal because we need permission to translate magazine stuff etc (a visual kei artist once said that, saying yes translations are great but guys be careful because some things are copyrighted and you might get in trouble), but some people just wish to take and take without helping others get to the initial source to find out more, too. I think there are still many visual kei fans out there, they just no longer blog about it because they want to enjoy it by themselves and without the negativity and opinions of anyone else. I started as a private fan for example. I liked fangirling on my own, I didn’t want anyone to intervene with that because it was my sole way of having fun, I didn’t want anyone to ruin it for me, but eventually, I wanted to help the bands spread their info beyond their social media and I am currently running 3 fanpages, 1 of which is on hiatus. I still get shit while doing that, by the way, there are still know-alls among us but I am not going to let anyone spoil it for me. So to cut everything short, I think that fandom could have played its role as to why so many left and why those of us left, became so quiet.

3) Some people might bite for this one but it’s a mixture of “Mainstream“ and “platform“. I believe the best people to talk about this are old-schoolers. When bands like A9 and the Gazette entered the scene, most old school visual kei fans had already started barking about the fact those bands were copying their predecessors and that they don’t really make cool music (they were making shallow stuff for their tastes, aka mainstream stuff). Truth is that, fans of that “new/2nd generation“ visual kei era are acting like old-schoolers did, when their faves came out, to the newbies coming out now, aka people following bands like Xaa Xaa or Kizu. But if you pay close attention you might notice this: When bands like A9 and the Gazette came about, old schoolers seemed to be very few among us, weren’t they? Many seemed to have disappeared and given up, because to them, visual kei was dead. Honestly, I follow many old schoolers right now. They are still around. They just don’t fangirl as loud as the rest of us do. They stick to old pics and the occasional updates from visual kei artists of that time that are still active like Sugizo, Malice Mizer members, Buck-Tick members, etc. This is what I see happening now too. There are still people listening to visual kei of the 2000s. They just aren’t loud enough and the new fans of visual kei are more present on twitter than here or facebook. Why? Because visual kei bands are also on twitter now and they can immediately fangirl on the posts of their favorites by retweeting the pics. (It also adds that some visual kei artists reply to those retweets either with words or likes) So yeah, I think we are few here now because many have moved to twitter and also because new bands sound mainstream to us fans of bands from the 2000s.

4) the Visual Kei scene. Ok, I am not that sure about this but I think it plays a role to this somehow. There are several visual kei artists that claimed visual kei is dead the last few years. I won’t name who cuz only one name comes to mind right now, but I know I had read it from many more people. I don’t know how the visual kei scene is like in Japan right now, but I know there are more bands forming than in the past, most of which are not serious about it (see bands disband within a year). This happened in the past, too, I don’t know to what extent though, but we didn’t know about those as much as those who actually had sth to say and still do to this day. I’ve heard artists complain that the new kids entering the scene have no concept. That all they care about is looking cool and nothing else. They are lucky to have more means of promoting their stuff, though. Twitter reaches out to western fans, some bands get a music video from their first release and maybe cool costumes from their first release, things that bands of older times would beg for, when they started. And still these kids do not use those means as creatively as they could so, they fail to impress the old fans enough to get an active following that fangirls about them everywhere. Not all new bands. But most. Like, Kizu, for example seem to have a vision (i am not their fan by the way, I have just seen some of their stuff and they seem to be in it for real). So, the result of all this, is fans getting bombarded by 100 new bands each year and having hard time sticking to anything. So they just retweet sth and comment about it and that’s it. They do not get into long talks about music or concept or anything because most of these bands have no concept. I dunno, I think it plays a role. And also, sth that I hadn’t thought about and was also brought up on twitter. Some big venues have closed in Japan the last two years and due to the big amount of bands wishing to perform, they are all struggling to find dates to perform. In other words, there is so much competition right now that if you aren’t a big name by now, you gotta wait in line for scheduling your lives. One of my favorite bands was like “yeah no live this week, everything was closed.“ and I was surprised. Also big events have stopped happening. I don’t know if you had experienced that but there was a time Nico Nico, the channel had several bands hosting their own shows. It was mostly PSC bands that did that but due to tough schedule it stopped. There was also the Xmas live, a festival with many bands which was broadcasted each year and that I’ve heard nth about the last two years. The show does still happen they just don’t broadcast it anymore. There was another festival called Stylish Wave. That stopped being broadcasted too so many events that were broadcasted for free are no longer happening so this is why I am saying that we’ve lost lots of the hype from Japan’s side too. I knew so many people who were looking forward to such events and then we’d all gif everything and translate stuff. It’s no longer there though. Only one interview show is still broadcasted on Nico Nico for free, the rest is paid stuff.

So yeah, all in all, these are the basics that I think played an important role in losing western fandoms. Of course, this is just my opinion, many people might disagree. Thank you for the question, I am always glad to exchange opinions on visual kei stuff. ^^

[sometimesrosy]

The 100 s5 rewatch: Ep 5 Shifting Sands

I don’t know when the last time I saw this episode was. When it aired maybe. I’m nervous. RIDICULOUS.

OKAY. I must offer some warnings for this liveblog. It is Bellarke friendly of course. It is also pro Zaven and pro Memori. Not anti Murven, but I don’t ship them and I don’t see it. So be aware going in. It is not anti Echo or b/e, but not pro them either.

It is however, kinda anti Octavia. So this is the real warning. She really pisses me off in this episode. And I do QUITE a bit of ranting. It is not flattering. Don’t read it if you love Octavia and can’t handle criticism. Her character is hard core criticized her, I think she is not doing good, is making bad decisions and is flat out wrong. And I don’t make excuses. So if you love octavia and can’t handle antis please take my warnings seriously. I am not ever anti anyone, but this interpretation is hardcore unflattering. I still want her to be redeemed, but she’s got a lot to answer for in my book. Stans may not be happy. Caveat Emptor. Buyer beware.

Oh this is also not Kara Cooper friendly. Totally hate her. Does cooper have fans? don’t read. Oh also not a McCreary fan.... well, I mean he’s awful, but he’s great at being awful so I like that. not that Octavia and Cooper aren’t also great at being awful, and to be honest I’m really enjoying ALL their evil, so is it really HATE? Idk. Not good for stans tho.

This is LONG, like almost 4k words. 

Jackson glad to see Clarke, coulda used you in the bunker. Jackson won’t tell her why Abby was afraid. Miller says good bye and kisses him. That’s still so damn cute. But iller ignores Clarke completely. Meanwhile the army is ready to go.

“Miller wait!”

Bellamy to the rescue, “slow down Miller.”

“Octavia told me not to.” Just noted that Miller talks to Bellamy but not to Clarke. I wonder if that’s an Octavia order, if she’s treating Clarke like a foreign leader.

Miller tells Clarke she can’t just do whatever the hell she wants there. Clarke is telling him the what for on the weather and land. Miller is listening to her because she’s making sense.

Octavia is planning military strategy. The irony here is that Octavia is more closely planning military idiocy without strategy. Or I guess the strategy is full speed ahead. Idk.

Kara Cooper tries to give Miller his orders. “I know my orders,” he says, slightly sass daddy, and tells Octavia she should listen to what Clarke has to say. Octavia raises her eyebrows like she can’t believe he would listen to Clarke. Or tell octavia to listen to her. Or something. Indra is trying for good strategy, Clarke says the sea route is MAYBE passable, and Octavia is like “Maybe is good enough.” THAT GIRL IS NOT A GOOD STRATEGIST. Bellamy tries to stop her and they pull their guns on him. Octavia lets him speak.

“We’re all on the same team. No one wants to get to that valley more than me. It’s my home, but this way is risky.”

Clarke tells her about the glass sandstorms. Kara Cooper is pushing stupidity. Indra is trying to be reasonable.

Octavia says if this is the last living valley on earth then it should be ours.

“Diyoza thinks the same thing,” Bellamy says.

“And so we fight.”

Good thinkers: Bellamy, Clarke, Indra, Miller. Bad thinkers: Octavia and stupid Kara Cooper. I blame her. She reinforces Octavia’s bad ideas and power trips with her ass kissing. Kara you suck. Man she is the WORST.

Indra says Octavia needs Bellamy and she’s glad he’s here for her, and then points Clarke and Bellamy to the packs.  And invitation if I’ve ever heard.

Clarke turns to Bellamy, at a loss. “What do we do?”

“Raven and Murphy are in trouble. I have to go with them.” Clarke is a bit shell shocked at that, then Bellamy makes jokes about “a six day hike through sandstorm country with a gladiator country? What could go wrong.” and hands her the pack and she smiles. “After you.”  Honestly all her emotional reactions are so tight and nailed down. She had like .10 seconds of panic that he was leaving her, and then it’s like she’s all of a sudden excited to go on adventures again.

DIyoza knows they’re fanatics. She’s used to those. She doesn’t know that Shaw is a traitor and the missiles are down because of him. She threatens torture for Raven, and we find out that she and McCreary were together once. “That was torture, too.” Queen of Sarcasm.

Back in the valley, nice and green. The prisoners playing some sort of death metal or something, and goofing off. Very reminiscent of the delinquents first off the drop ship. Diyoza thinks they’re desecrating the valley. She is not like them. She’s disciplined, they’re worse than delinquents. Wait wasn’t that music like William Miller’s real music? Like it was McCreary’s band. Lol.

Abby sees the drawing of Madi. “Who’s that?” Kane asks. “I don’t know.” She says, he points out there were two beds in the house. Almost like she wasn’t alone.

Here’s Vinson in his collar. He has trouble controlling his more “primal urges.”  

“If the demon comes out, you pull that trigger.” This is no delinquent dealing pot on the ark.

And Diyoza has Abby’s number and knows she’s an addict already.  She says they’re not prisoners, but protective custody. Kane also says he needs guarantees on Raven and Murphy’s safety. Aww. That’s really nice. He’s still taking care of his kids. And then he offers to sell Octavia out. Lol.  She doesn’t trust traitors. But she was one herself. THEN she catches Vinson stealing a scalpel. Lol. Don’t forget that Vinson is a bad guy. “Keep your hands and feet away from his mouth and you should be fine.”

Sharing rations with their chant. “All of me for all of us.” Okay fine that’s creepy. And foreshadowing.

Clarke thinks it’s beautiful. They lost a third of their people and had no idea if they would get out. She thinks it’s impressive.

“So is surviving alone. How’d you do it?” His voice is so soft.

“Well I wasn’t alone.” For a second her voice is open. Then she shakes her head. “I had Madi.” Then all of a sudden she’s tired and gives him her rations. She’s running away.

Indra tries to tell Octavia that Bellamy loves her and she says love is a weakness. Indra does not believe this and says it was nonsense. She says it was Gaia’s teachings.

“It’s not nonsense. Love no one and no one can hurt you.” This is where Octavia ends up after losing Lincoln, and having all that anger towards Bellamy. She cut them off. Cut love off. This might have been what could have happened to Clarke if she’d been forced into this leadership…. Without Bellamy to act as a counter balance.

“I love you,” Indra says, like a challenge. “Does that make me weak?”

Octavia backs down.

Miller is back with his partner, screaming. Clarke comes in. Stupid Kara Cooper won’t let her. Clarke asks Octavia’ permission and she grants it. “THere’s something inside him.” They find the hole in dude’s legs.

“It came from the sand, we have to go back. Miller said they were everywhere.”

Octavia says no and Cooper agrees with her. Indra: “what a surprise.” I love sarcastic Indra who doesn’t like Cooper. Me either girl.

Torturing Raven. Oh no.”She’s tougher than she looks.” No shit mccreary. Shaw apologizes. McCreary is a psycho who douses her with water so the electricity will conduct. Shaw intervenes. McCreary brings in Murphy and punches him. New torture victim. Asks them who killed Kodiak on the ship. Shaw aims a gun at him to make him stop. “You’re making a mistake.”

“Wouldn’t be the first time.” Shaw threatens to damage his legs— not needed to fly.

I actually need to rewind for Zaven dynamic. hold up. He  crouches down, his apology is very sincere. It’s his fault and he knows it. Because he’s the one who screwed with the missiles not Raven. Oooh. He’s breathing very heavy when McCreary threatens her. He don’t like it. HE LIKES HER. It isn’t returned. He HATES McCreary though. Shaw has those big, sad eyes. He can’t take it anymore. And Faces off against McCreary.

Raven cares more for Murphy, of course. They are authentically worried for each other. Murphy tells her not to tell Shaw anything and Shaw is like, “She couldn’t if she wanted to, I’m the one who locked the weapons system.” He’s a very honest traitor. I think he regrets whose side he’s on. But what they were doing to the prisoners was wrong TOO. He’s someone who already believes in that Doing The Right Thing thing. He’s definitely one of our delinquents, not one of the criminals.

He tells them that Diyoza was going to kill the whole bunker right then and there and if he didn’t do something it would all be over. Murphy says they were tortured for nothing and Raven says it was to save his own ass. Shaw doesn’t like that. “I’m sorry were you looking for a thank you? You let them do that to us because of what happens to you if they find out the truth!”

Murphy wants to hear him out and see if he has a plan. His plan is to say she came clean.

Raven says it sucks because she’ll use the missiles. But he says either he says she came clean or he hacked it but one of those options means raven and Murphy stay alive.

Enter genius Raven. She saw him on the captain’s log and knows he’s not one of them and that’s why he locked the missiles and why he’s gonna help them. “Trust me Murphy. You’re gonna like my plan more.”

Oh Abby has the shakes. Trying to be a doctor while her body collapses from withdrawal. Kane wants to take care of her, he knows how to handle her withdrawal and she feels guilt for the arena.

Diyoza is being the gossip. She loves to see who likes who. ’Am I interrupting? Just tell me what I need to know and I”ll leave you to your shakes and vomiting.” Diyoza has the medical files from the last doctor. McCreary killed him. She basically said that as long as Abby can be a good doctor she’ll stay alive and says Kane is a determined traitor as she tries to get her to accept the bunker for their resources and skills. She’s like they’re all trained to kill. You expect me to invite them in to tea?

“I don’t know, do the murderers and thieves you surround yourself with now drink tea?” Kane giving back the snark.

McCreary tattles to Diyoza about Shaw pulling a gun on him and she’s like no. You’re not allowed. To kill him, of course.

But there’s Murphy running away into the woods. He’s escaped. Ooh Echo finds him.

“Where’s Raven,” Emori asks. “You left her? Why am I not surprised?”

She made a deal. Monty wants to know about the shock collar, he warns him away. They ask him about Abby and Kane, Murphy is clueless. “That means Bellamy got the bunker open.”

Madi comes to ask about Clarke. “Who’s the hobbit?” He says never mind and says they need to warn them about the missiles. LOTS of info right here. Very short time. The rover is in the bear cave. ‘Don’t worry, the bears are gone,” says Madi. That is a funny line.

Shaw. He says he let Murphy go. But then he points out the collar and it’s tracking and Raven calls him a son of a bitch for betraying her… or is that part of the plan? I think it’s the plan.

Madi: “I thought you’d be funnier.” Clarke told her stories.

“Oh really, was I the dashing hero who got the girl?” —Or the selfish ass who lost her. Emori of course.

“Octavia’s my favorite. Clarke said she wouldn’t have made it without each one of you.”

“We wouldn’t have made it without her,” Echo

“Not even close.” Harper.

Murphy’s shock collar triggers.

Emori is worried, monty knows it’s proximity and gets Madi to back up.

Emori starts to try and disarm it and Echo says there’s no time they have to warn everyone about the missiles. Murphy ditches from the rover and Monty says no because there’s a tracker and they’ll come get him. Murphy tells them to go

Holdup I’m rewinding for the Memori dynamic. Emori goes to him first as soon as he’s shocked. She doesn’t like that she cares but she does. She didn’t stop loving him. But her hate is real too.

They leave Murphy behind and there is Emori waiting with him. She sighs heavily. He’s confused. He thought she hated him.

Bellarke. Working together to figure out the new danger.

“Octavia’s not the only one who’s changed, you know? You could have killed those prisoners. But you didn’t. Diyoza would have killed me if not for you and Madi would be alone. You got the bunker open.” She does it all while she’s working on the warrior. Keeping her distance. Opening up to him. The same Bellamy. The same Clarke. Learning new things about each other.

“Who knew it would turn out to be pandora’s box,” he says.

“Im serious Bellamy. The heart and the head.” He is the hero in her dreams.

“The heart and the head.” This is how they reconnect.

Uh oh here comes a sandstorm. Bitches. She told you.

“The wind hasn’t met wonkru.” SCUSE YOU OCTAVIA? What the hell kind of myths were you reading where you think a handful of warriors can defeat the weather. 9 months on earth and she thinks she’s more powerful than the freaking sky? Bellamy your sister is an idiot. I think she thinks she’s a greek god.  You know what that’s called baby? Hubris. Pride goeth before the fall.

“Keep moving? Thanks to you, we’re stuck between razorblades winds and burrowing parasitic bugs.” Bellamy stands in her way.

“Thanks to YOU we’re at war.” OH MY GOD SHE’S SO STUPID. Y’all idolizing blodreina? She did NOT get grandpappy Blake’s smart genes. Bellamy saved your ass and opened the bunker before you starved in there due to your sidekick’s incompetence with the farms.

“Only if you insist on fighting it,” he doesn’t even pay attention to her blame game, he’s to used to that dynamic with her. He hasn’t broken free.

“Fight or die, that’s all there is.” No it’s not. No seriously. Why is she so dumb. She read. We know. Bellamy taught her. Is it because other people aren’t really real to her? I don’t get it. Why does she do this? She’s got this fantasy in her head and she’s do devoted to it that it’s become the only way. “You don’t get it because you’re not one of us.”

He continues to challenge her, ask her if warrior is one of her people and Cooper and her guards are getting angry at his disrespect. Clarke is worried.

Luckily warrior starts screaming to lessen tensions. Lol. Sandworms lessen tensions.

Yikes! Worms explode out his bellay! Everyone panics and I’m laughing. Sorry. Worms GOOD! REWIND lets watch it again. Tee hee. Yes. I like. This is the kind of post apocalyptic sci fi survival adventure drama we LIKE.

Oh Octavia can’t feel her legs, and Clarke tries to stop the worm from getting into her torso, and Kara Cooper is freaking out about the dozens of eggs (or is she plotting already, she’s kin to the worms, you can see her connect to them.)

“Thank you. GO,” Clarke tells her. NO ONE LIKES YOU KARA COOPER.

And meanwhile Bellamy is like, “I’m right here, we’ got this.” Clarke cuts into her arm and just grabs hold of the sucker.

“Clarke you’re gonna lose it!” Bellamy says.

“Like hell I am.” Classic Clarke. Then she… just grabs hold and pulls.

Oh, Monty finally reaches them on the radio. It’s an *Emergency.*

Bellamy’s like, “We got your emergency beat.” Monty is like, “I doubt that.” And tells him about the eye in the sky and the missiles. While Monty is telling them the danger, Clarke wraps the worm around her own hand for a better grip and PULLS. It snaps out like a rubber band. Miller puts it in a jar. Oh miller.

Indra, “where do we find cover in the middle of a wasteland?” Indra is thinking strategy and reason.

Clarke says “If we retreat they’ll back down.”

Octavia says

Get this.

She says, “you still don’t understand. Wonkru does not retreat.”

Dumbass tyrant. I do NOT understand how y’all Stan her with this. I am sorry. She is a flipping FOOL. There is not ONE decision she made in season 5 that was good in any way shape or form, except to bow before Madi and accept the heda. I know she’s beautiful and badass, but y’all have GOT to stop letting appearance cloud your freaking judgment like that. She’s TERRIBLE and stupid and selfish and flat out EVIL. It’s not a question of understanding who she is and where she comes from, I understand that too. I know she had to do the hard thing at the beginning but that was NO EXCUSE for where she let it go. That was NO excuse for her behavior when they got free. Everyone has been through hell. You can’t let that turn you evil. You just can’t. You are not excused for this. Ugh. Sorry. I didn’t mean to rant, but come ON.

Bellamy says, “You do if you want to live,” which is reasonable and not stupid, and not full of ego and delusions of godhood.

Indra is like stop fucking arguing we don’t have time for this. Except, you know, she’s more polite than I am. And she mentions that the route home puts them in a sandstorm.

“Those ruins are not our home. That Valley is and we’re taking it back…. Get ready to understand.” That last was glared at Bellamy, like it’s his fault or something. OH right. She thinks it’s his fault. Did I say I think Octavia is dumb? Yeah. I do. Hey, Octavia, you end up losing, like half your people over the next couple of weeks. And, you know, you don’t actually beat Eligius with wonkru. That was, ahem, your brother and HIS team. And Clarke. And Madi. And freaking SHAW. Even Diyoza. What do we understand NOW? Okay. Not now. Now is ep5. That’s 8 eps away. Oh we understand something and it’s not what you think. Think? Does she think? And it’s not the venom making her dumb because she keeps on being dumb all season. Bad leadership is bad leadership. She treats her people like tin soldiers. Expendable. Like Jaha did. Because he taught her how. And like Lxa did, although she got lxa’s teachings roundabout through Indra and Gaia. (Remember the love is a weakness thing.) Octavia does NOT break the cycle, she keeps it spinning.

Shaw. Diyoza says fire at will. Shaw doesn’t want to. Boom goes the tent camp. Shaw is visibly upset.

And there is Wonku huddled around Octavia, Indra yelling “Hold! Hold!” As the razor sands blow around them. Bellamy is in the crowd as Clarke works on Octavia on the ground, inside. Not saying they’re not badass. They are definitely badass. Badass doesn’t excuse stupid though.

Shallow Valley. Kane and Abby in Clarke’s house. Abby is calm and collected and going through medical files.

“Give me the pills,” Kane says. She says no. “You promised.”

McCreary charges in. Seizes Kane. McCreary is a goon. She says she won’t help if Kane is hurt he says, menacingly, “yes you will.” Abby is smart. She knows, she asks which of the med charts is his.

Me, I’m like TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT. I know he’s built. He’s handsome when he isn’t playing McCreepy. Give us a show man. YOUR DOCTOR NEEDS TO DO AN EXAMINATION. TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT!!!! I really don’t know if he will. Zipper.

YAY!  Oooh. Nice back. Lucky Eliza. Lots of tats. Come on lets get some abs and pecs. Aww. Nope.

Lol.

I don’t care leave me alone.

Shoving Kane in the woods. ‘You’re making a mistake. There are so few people left. You can’t just kill everyone and expect…”

There’s Diyoza with some booze. I’d just like to tell you that, as a woman who’s btdt, she’s about 4 months in this shot. And in the 2 weeks of the story? She goes to about 8.5 months. I mean we have to let that go, because time is time and they had to work with the reality of her pregnancy and they did, which was really nice. Yay for Jason working with a working pregnant mother to allow her to continue to do her job. That was actually really nice and a GOOD thing to do. For human rights and decency and equality.

Diyoza however, knows that the battalion was huddling in a sandstorm to protect her. “Do you think an army of murders and thieves would follow me into a sandstorm?”

Now SHE’S a smart leader. She sees the value in her enemy and isn’t just KILL KILL KILL DEFEAT THEM. She also sees the flaw in her own leadership and people. She’s EVALUATING the situation logically, despite who’s on what side. That was deliberate, that contrast. As not only wonkru’s zealotry and devotion is contrasted against a bunch of thugs with no central core, but also her calm evaluation of the situation. AND that she brings Kane in to talk to him because she now knows she needs what he knows. She offers him tequila. I guess no agave on the ark.

And he wishes she hadn’t given abby back those pills. Here we hear about Diyoza’s backstory. Her seal team was sent to bring her in and they put two in her father’s head, like she taught them, for hiding her and she knew it was over so she slashed her own throat. “They should have put two in my head.” She calls Abby his wife. He says she isn’t. Still not sure why he said that. It doesn’t matter. And she kinda IS his wife isn’t she? He looks mistrustful as she tosses back the tequila. He chokes on it.

Indra has glass in her lungs. 11 died 12 including Obika. Out of 50. Isn’t that like almost a quarter of her battalion. How can she still act like Wonkru is stronger that the winds? Octavia sounds the retreat.

Clarke checks her arm.

“Thank you for saving my life.” I count three people grateful to Clarke so far this episode. 4 if you include Monty nodding when Harper and Echo said it.

“You saved ours.” No she didn’t, Bellamy. You shouldn’t be out there. “You were right. Wonkru is strong, just like their leader.”

“I”m glad you’re alive big brother,” kiss of death,” But if you ever speak out against wonkru again then you are an enemy of wonkru. And you are my enemy.” “ Clarke does not like this. Me either. It’s psychotic. No it’s not. She’s not crazy. She knows what she’s doing. She thinks she’s justified and right and righteous. She’s as much of a zealot as Jaha ever was, but she thinks SHE’S the promise land and Jaha thought it was something he could find outside of himself.

Uh oh. ROVER

MADI!!  Clarke is happy! She runs to Clarke they hug.

Monty! Waves at Octavia and she waves back. Shocked almost.

And there is Echo, Bellamy runs to her and they kiss and Clarke’s life is forever changed.

UH OH.

OCTAVIA AND THE DEATH GLARE. She’s talking to YOU Echo. Yikes. Blodreina mad.

[alexturnerobsession]

ICON’S MAGAZINE TRANSLATED

“What the hell is this?”, says a fascinated Alex as we enter the Bethnal Green Town Hall Hotel in London, an old building where the interview is having place. “I don’t know, I think people get married here”, answers the press girl. Alex starts running in the room, where the plenary sessions of the former city council used to be carried out back when the building was constructed. He sits in the chair in which they guess the mayor used to sit down. “What do you want, a fine or a wedding?”, jokes Turner who can’t be still. He starts to run between the seats, until he stops at the place assigned to the spokesmen. "One hundred pounds! Man, there’s one hundred pounds in here!”. He picks up a couple of 50-pound notes, and I suggest him to keep them. He laughs. The moment to begin the interview has come, after all, we are not here to get married but to talk about Tranquility Base Hotel & Casino, the band’s sixth LP. His laughing ceases. It’s unfortunate that Alex is so shy and cautious when the recorder is turned on. "Would you get married here?", asks Alex before getting started. My answer is no, the place is interesting, but not romantic at all. “I agree. Motion denied.”

[Now the journalist describes the journey of the band, from its Internet expansion to the end of the AM tour.]

“When the tour finished in 2014, almost everybody in the band was about to get married, or about to have a child or another one… The end of those shows seemed to be the end of an era. We all were 28 or 29 years old and it felt like everything was going to change. During that never ending tour I thought the album was going to stay with me forever. It was the longest tour we had ever done. Now I think that we prolonged it because we knew that when it finished, it would mean the end of something bigger than a series of shows. I thought everything would change, because I felt we had less than we had in the beginning, even if the numbers said otherwise” recalls Turner about the last days the band was seen together.

Then Alex went back to The Last Shadow Puppets […]. In 2016, they headlined Primavera Sound Festival. The show was grotesque. Turner’s looks made sense in the framework of AM, but in that particular context, it appeared as a joke. Turner, that boy who as a teen was not hired by a Sheffield thrift shop because of his shyness, had lost the plot. “That is part of the past”, intervenes Turner, who talks very slowly, leaves sentences half said and might not even finish a joke if he thinks it’s not going to be funny as he was expecting. “I think that the things I wanted to say with that image and attitude are already said. Now it’s over.” Nowadays he sports long hair and a beard that has been object of controversy among his fans, who even started a Change.org petition for him to shave it.

“A lot of attention is put into our next step, I know. We’ve always tried to be careful about where, with whom and what we did. It’s healthy, but I don’t think we do it on purpose. In times like this it’s complicated to keep secrets. We already tried with our last album and just when we got to the studio, the engineer posted a picture of us. Everyone’s so crazy now, they’re acting as if this was Columbo. I’ve seen this, I’ve seen that guy…”, explains Turner after being asked to explain how it is possible that, with a band as great as theirs, he has achieved to go completely unnoticed for everyone when the most awaited album will be released in less than a month. “I don’t know if not getting involved with social networks is something that we now do on purpose to protect the band, but maybe it helps,” points out Turner introducing the “offline” element into the equation. “I guess that wanting to expose ourselves is not into our DNA. I’ve put so much into the music that I don’t know what else I can do with that. I can’t open a Twitter account, because I think everything’s there, in the songs. I’d make a fool of myself if I began to use Twitter. Well, if I’m honest, it’s not as if I dislike social networks, but when you become that version of yourself that you’ve created in the virtual world, there’s something in there that allows people to take out the worst of themselves against you. And you can also take out the worst of yourself against them. I can’t even imagine the consequences, but I don’t want to either.”

We’ve had to listen to Tranquility Base Hotel & Casino in a dispositive that would be self-destructed in a week. We’ve been told not to ask anything too personal after Alex had a brush with a journalist from The Times some days ago. There won’t be any promotional single, but there is a new band logo. The most recent photo of Alex is one that he took with a flight attendant in the airport days before our meeting which has reactivated the debate about his beard. It’s a release like in the old days, but Turner doesn’t really appear as a world star. I tell him about the time I interviewed Beyoncé, being told not to touch her under any circumstance. I also tell him about how, in order to talk to Chris Cornell, I had to get in a completely dark hotel room and, in an act of faith, believe that the voice that I was hearing belonged to the grunge star. “Would you like some water?”, interrupts Turner when, before I can even answer, begins to pour some into the glass

Days after our encounter in the town hall, the first new picture of the combo appears (they look as if they had been dressed for a wedding right in the middle of December from 1972 in Iceland) and the titles of the album’s 11 tracks as well as details about the recording are revealed. But it’s been the first verse of the album what has caused more of an upheaval. “I just wanted to be one of The Strokes, now look at the mess you made me make”, sings in Star Treatment, a gem of a song that sets the tone for the rest of the album, one destined to confuse all those who were expecting something bombastic, expansive and hormonal. The LP contains songs with titles as fabulous as The Ultracheese, Batphone, or The World’s First Ever Monster Truck Front Flip. Imagine Richard Hawley going on tour together with comedian Andy Kaufman and performing only in hotels from Sheraton’s chain, or Scott Walker reciting in a pub after Sheffield United’s match. It is deliciously decadent, and it promises to polarise the opinions of their millions of fans. Is he nervous? And, above all, is he sure? “Well, I sort of remember feeling a bit like that with our last album. I wasn’t sure if it was the right album. Won’t we be going through the wrong path? It always happens. When I showed the first songs to my manager, people from the label and my mates, most of their reactions were ‘This is so different.’ I thought it was different too, but not that much. I was doubting if it’d be appropriate for a Monkeys’ album. Then, Jamie came home and spent two weeks with me recording. His enthusiasm about the songs confirmed that it was right. If this is what’s inside of me, this is what it has to be. I believe that we can be whatever we want to be, it’s our band. So there’s no need to worry about whether it fits or not”, explains about an album which lyrics refer to solitude continually. “Yes, a little”, concedes Turner. “There’s always been something in my life that has led me to isolation. But, even to this day, I don’t know why I’ve tried to avoid this topic creatively. The lyrics have been through a very long process of polishing. It was complicated to reach this stage. For example, that first line about The Strokes. I fought a lot against it, I wanted it but I didn’t want it. I was thinking: ‘Whatever, it’s staying, but I know I will change it in the end because there’s no way I’ll end up saying such atrocity.’ And it came to a point in which I thought: ‘If this is how I feel, why can’t I just say it? It’s better to be honest.”

EXTRA

This is how Icon #51 was made

Arctic Monkeys

Everything was supposed to be a secret. The hotel, hidden in the east side of London. The artist, in an unknown place, and the room in which the pictures were to be taken, small enough for the editor to have to stay outside during the session. When Turner got out, he said: “It’s a boy.” Everybody’s happy.

Translated by @jurametio and myself (some parts have been omitted because the journalist was explaining the beginnings of the band and other information that we all already know by now)

[theonyxpath]

Via Satyros Phil Brucato:

Janine was a homeless junkie I found dying one night along the path of my post-midnight constitutional. What could I do? Let her perish? Of course not! I took her home and did what any conscientious scientist would do: used my G8-Z26 purgative treatments while stabilizing her physical condition with Dr. Johnstone’s now-famous bioregeneration matrix. I admit she’s not the sharpest scalpel in the drawer but given the condition I found her in last year, I doubt she ever was. There’s no excuse for sloppy work on my part, of course, but Janine’s still alive, and I consider that a victory…

Hola, folks!

When I first conceived of Gods, Monsters and Other Familiar Strangers in 2013, I had initially pictured it as a collection of good, bad, and neutral NPCs to drop into your Mage 20 chronicle. During the intervening years and projects, however, I began to envision a more coherently thematic book – a collection, true enough, but one that featured a coherent theme, hinted at potential metaplots, provided additional rule-systems for non-mage characters, and approached those characters from a broader perspective than a simple, “Here’s a bunch of folks you can marry, fuck, or kill.”

Bringing in several additional authors – Hiromi Cota, Atalanti Evripidou, Jason Louis Feldstein, Antonios Galatis, J.F. High, and Isabella M. Price – we began to shape the slightly retitled Gods, Monsters & Familiar Strangers into a larger and more comprehensive sourcebook. Featuring constructs, consors, Avatars, familiars, spirits, Loa, and many other entities, this book also contains a revised and expanded collection of Special Advantages, spirit Charms, and companion construction rules. Although the past year or so has hit most of the book’s contributors with an array of personal and professional complications, we’re nearly finished with a book that is – in the grand Mage tradition – larger and more ambitious than we had initially intended it to be.

The following excerpts come from that bigger, better book. Enjoy!

The Banner Dei Brute Squad

When the Ecstatic jam band / performance troupe Banner Dei formed on the last night of 1999, that troupe found immediate, enthusiastic support from fans who’d been there that night. The Brute Squad, as they were dubbed by then-bandleader Tricia “Thunderheart” Rykomanski, held the fire-line against unskilled would-be performers who’d be more likely to set themselves on fire than add anything to the performance, pounded out improvised percussion on anything that would make some noise, and then stayed all day the following morning in order to help Banner Dei and their friends clean up the post-gig trash-piles and load the gear into whatever vehicles they could find. Since that night, both Banner Dei and the Brute Squad have cycled through dozens of members. The core of both groups, though, remains stable: Banner Dei blows minds, and the Brute Squad gets them in and out of gigs intact without leaving a huge mess behind. Under the guidance, since 2010, of Kore Valkyrie Smith, the “Banner Brutes” provide drop-in support for Banner Dei’s members and former bandmates. Either collectively or as a group, those Banner Dei personnel can send up a flare, text message, phone call or blog post and have members of the Brute Squad on the location as quickly as a bunch of mortals can arrive. Because the Brute Squad consists of several dozen unAwakened hangers-on scattered across North and Central America, Northern Europe, Japan and India, and because Smith happens to be really good at resource-management (and has backing from several noted Ecstatic philanthropists), a team of three to 15 Brute Squad folks can show up within a day or less with a little advance warning, or be on-site when needed if they know at least two days in advance where they need to be.

Once dispatched, the Banner Dei Brute Squad can handle trash collection and disposal, crowd control, violence-free de-escalation, light medical attention, and set-up / tear-down logistics for stage gear and musical equipment. Most Brute Squad members can also dance, spin fire, perform acrobatics, play musical instruments, or contribute other skills to the performance itself. Kore and her co-leaders train Brute Squad personnel in the essential skills before those people are allowed to back up the band and its people, and though Banner Dei and its support team have rather liberal attitudes about sex and drugs, there’s a strict code of conduct that expels any Brute Squad member who abused his position or can’t be bothered to respect a given “no.” So far, most folks associated with the Brute Squad have remained trustworthy and reliable; Kore’s very good at vetting people, and the few who step out of line and take advantage of Ecstatic hospitality tend to wind up gibbering mindlessly by the side of a road if they’re ever seen again at all.

Traits-wise, Banner Dei’s Brute Squad features a colorful collective of Subculture Devotees (as per that template) whose training lets them haul gear and calm crowds with minimal fuss. Although the oldest members have looked age 40 in the rearview mirror, most Banner Brutes are in their mid-20s to early-30s. Regardless of age or gender, these folks combine tattooed badassery with Zen-focus people skills. Most have traveled extensively throughout the mortal world, and a number have spent time in the Otherworlds as well. Despite appearances, these are friendly people who blend old-school manners with new-millennium social consciousness. They rarely possess paranormal powers themselves (Kore probably does, but if so she doesn’t brag about it), but occasionally bring along mystic goodies they’ve found or been gifted with at various events. The majority of them speak at least two languages, and some enjoy learning as many tongues as they can recall.

Arriving in dust-crusted cars (many of which have been modified for all-terrain use), all Banner Brutes sport a tattoo that marks them as approved and official members of the group. This design – a Hulk-green banner with a white lightning bolt slashed across its surface – glows in the dark so Brutes can find each other in the dark. If a Brute gets booted for good cause (as opposed to retiring from the group on good terms), his tattoo burns away in an agonizing flash of bright green fire, leaving the thunderbolt behind as a permanent scar.

Joe Dread

He’s the face of fear, though he has no face. He can look like anyone yet resembles no one. Joe Dread is the embodiment of terror that wears a human guise. He lurks in alleys, shouts from cars, and walks loudly down the street behind you when no one else is around. Some people, though, make a friend of Dread. For them, he’s family, and his gifts to them are legion.

You’ll never see Dread clearly. That’s the point. His dominion is the unknown factor at the edge of what seems certain otherwise. At times, he’ll crouch on your shoulders when you’re trying to get things done, or loom over your bed on a restless night. Dread is an imp. Dread is a stranger.

Dread looks just enough like one of Those People to get you fired up about them, yet he can look like you as well. He’s the fiend whose face is everyone’s. Dread knows no ethnicity or class because terror haunts us all.

Some folks view Joe Dread as part of Big Owl’s brood – a servant, perhaps, or a human manifestation of the fear-god himself. That might be true, but there’s no way to be sure. These days, Dread is everywhere: screaming at you on the internet, lurking behind your best friend’s grin, knocking on your door and the then disappearing before you answer, smashing your car window just for fun so you can wonder what he took or fear that someone might be inside the car, waiting…

As a totem entity, Joe Dread gifts his chosen with Intimidation, Stealth, and Torture. He knows how to hurt folks and likes to share his secrets. For Joe, the threat of pain is sweeter than pain itself; thus, the favors he confers focus more upon what might happen than on violent acts of certainty. He’s not about beating someone to a pulp, but about getting them to fear what being beaten to a pulp feels like. Dread’s chosen people are similarly frightening, not because they use brutal force but because the potential for force always seems to hover around them. Inflicting such fears really is a kind of science, so Joe’s an exception to the rule that Technocrats cannot bond with totem spirits. His kinsmen among the Black Suit and PsychOp ranks don’t view him as an ephemeral entity, though; to them, he’s just a guy (regardless of gender) like them, who happens to be extremely good at his job.

Despite his colloquial name, Dread isn’t bound by gender. A man who fears women would meet Jo Dread instead. She sneers at him, tears him down, leaves a blank space of rejection in the center of his world or else tells that world that he’s really no one at all. Names are just conveniences we attach to things we wish to classify, and Dread reminds us we have no control. Even those who Dread befriends realize that life is full of terrors and their lives are no exception.

Manifestations: Loud noises, sudden shouts, feelings of anxiety, shadowy figures, whispered threats, posts and comments on the internet, sudden acts of random violence. Associations: Terror, anxiety, suspense, phobias. Brood: Elementals of cold wind, “bad luck” or fearsome animal spirits (spiders, black cats, crows, owls, snakes, and so forth), people who use fear to their advantage. Abilities: Intimidation, Stealth, Torture. Bans: Those who embrace Dread cannot comfort other people or ease their fears unless they do so as a tactic to scare that person even worse afterward.

Baron Samedi, the Cemetery Lord

Everybody dies. Even gods, it is has been said, must die eventually. And when we die, it is the Baron – Baron La Croix, Ghede, the Cemetery Lord – who will greet us on the other side. Tipping his top hat, puffing his cigar, laughing at mortality’s little joke on us, Samedi embodies life as well as death, and can bestow either one with a snap of his fingertips.

Wrongly viewed by outsiders as a demonic figure, the Baron represents balance, not cruelty. Amidst the horrors of slavery and poverty, his presence seems oddly comforting. All things end, the Baron reminds us. Even suffering. Especially suffering. This doesn’t mean he’s not above poking fun at humanity, of course. Among Loa and devotees alike, he’s infamous for crude jests and sexual humor. You might as well laugh at it all, La Baron says. The alternative is misery… and who wants to go through life like that?

A large man dressed in a mockery of the white man’s fashions, Baron Samedi heads the Guédé Loa family: a clan of entities whose provinces are death and fertility. His wife, Grandma Brigitte, appears as a blazing skeleton-woman who guards the crossroads and cemeteries of the nighttime American South. Le Baron has a thing for crossroads too – a territory he shares with Papa Legba… usually over a bottle of good rum and a lot of filthy jokes at humanity’s expense. Manifesting most often with his signature top hat, tailed coat, and a face either painted with skull-like make-up or replaced by an actual skull, Samedi speaks in a high, often loud, nasal voice, swears continually, and smokes up a storm. He often wears dark glasses, with plugs up his nose like any well-dressed corpse should have. His devotees, when ridden by La Baron and his kin, smear themselves with crushed hot peppers and raw rum, taxing the limits of the flesh because what’s most important is the state beyond this mortal shell.

Straddling life and death like an enthusiastic lover, Gedhe always speaks the truth. Because he transcends mortal limitations, he ignores the bounds of propriety, too. The head of his cane has been carved into the shape of a cock, and he loves to wave it around. Samedi is, after all, a deeply sexual Loa, too. Some folk call upon him when they want to get laid in non-fatal fashion, and his devotees have a reputation for being frighteningly seductive yet downright crude. Samedi loves to party, but he’s always watching the clock… not his, but yours. A trickster godhead, he’s got the blunt honesty of the grave. Sex and death are his dominion, and he enjoys indulging both.

Thanks to his province over death, Samedi tends to attract necromancers to his path. These folks often wind up wishing they’d knocked on someone else’s door. Although he often plays the fool, La Baron does not suffer fools at all, most especially not if they’re white folks who think they understand voodoo. In addition to the frenzied dance called the banda, Papa Gedhe loves to mess with people’s minds. He can read minds, too, so it’s a bad idea to try and fool La Baron. Coffins, poisons, graveyards, and near- or actual death are signatures of his rites, and would-be devotees need the courage to face both the grave and what lies beyond it if they wish to beg Samedi’s favors. Offerings of rum, cigars, black coffee, roasted peanuts, and bread (baked black if you can manage that) attract La Baron’s attention, but you’d best be ready to meet Death face-to-face if you wish to work with Samedi. Though often associated in popular media with zombis, Samedi actually prefers to keep dead people dead. Behind his rough humor and fearsome façade, Baron Samedi hides a secret compassion for the poor souls walking this hard earth. Demise, he knows, is not a torment but the blessed relief from life itself.

Manifestations: Skulls and skull-faced men, gravediggers, skeletons… very profane skeletons. Associations: Crossroads, death, sexuality, graves, top hats, phalluses, black or purple clothing, cemetery dirt. Brood: Ravens, black dogs or roosters, gravedigger spirits, Southern American Goths, and the Guédé Loa as a whole. Abilities: Intimidation, Medicine, Occult. Bans: Don’t lie. Seriously, don’t.

[ahiddenpath]

Digimon Adventure Tri Stage Play Reaction

Guys, this is not an analysis: this is my feels and obnoxious comments while viewing the stage play.  My initial goal was to use these notes to make an analysis, but they’re too funny/stupid/wow to hide from the world.  I typed these notes in real time, stopping the play whenever I had a thought.  It’s the closest I can get to having you watch me watch the stage play without using videos.  I will write an actual meaningful post soon, but for now, have a confused and jumpy/unpolished blob of feels.

The other thing I want to say is that I didn’t edit this after I wrote it, except for surface editing (grammar, spelling) and clarifications (mostly adding more names).  So if I formed an impression at some point, that’s what I really thought in that moment; I didn’t go back and change it.

That said: this will completely and totally spoil the stage play.  SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS!  Read on below the cut (if you dare; it’s almost 4K words long and full of images).

Hidden’s Digimon Adventure Tri Stage Play Reaction

I am immediately not buying that Mimi wouldn't want to camp in the bungalow.  Isn't this the kid that went to Tokyo Tower instead of patrolling Tokyo because the tower has AC?  I guarantee she'd whine an hour in about wanting the bungalow, but wouldn't allow Koushiro to point out that she made this choice for all of them x__x

 Did Mimi just... just throw the laptop?  How bratty can you get?  I... wow, I really hope they don’t treat my Mimi so poorly the whole play.

From Sora's speech, I can see that nostalgia will be a major theme here, which, to be fair, is appropriate, lol!  Nostalgia is pretty much why we’re here.

TAICHI! It’s so good to see you get your big bro on again, lol???  Hikari:  "I'm not a kid who needs to wait for you to walk home with me."

 Taichi: "What?  Why not?  WHAT'S WRONG?!  CONFIDE IN ME!"  He’s so aggressive and clumsy about it, lol??

Taichi:  "WHO ARE YOU CALLING A STUBBORN BLOCKHEAD."

Jyou, amiably: "You, of course! Wait-"  I'm like 15 minutes in and I have already decided that Jyou is my favorite (not surprising lol).

Jyou:  "YOU ARE IN DANGER, TAICHI.  I HAVE NEVER SEEN YOU STUDY."  Oh lord, Jyou is bashing Taichi with the stone of foreboding. Is Jyou okay?  Is he quite sane?  He isn't, is he.  Do you see that gleam in his eye?  No, no. He is gone and gone indeed.  Jyou’s actor is A+++

Annnnnnd oh hey, it's Yamyams doin' jamjams!  I can dig that bass, is he actually playing?  Oh hey, he's gonna sing for real, he's-  Oh my god, stop!  ABORT! He's terrible, hahahaha?!?!?!  IT BURRRRNSSS!!!  

OH MY GOD HIS BAND HATES THE BAND NAME AND THEY'RE SPEAKING TO HIM IN FRENCH WHAT IS THIS

Wait wow what is this weird ass vibe between the bros?  Teeks is accusing Yams of not visiting...  Did Yamato have that habit to start with?  Hmm...

So Takeru says, "I don't want to see us go our different ways."  I've mentioned it over and over, but this feeling is so important to me.  It's something I want to write an entire fic around.  On the one hand, it's such an easy topic, given the subject material. On the other, it's where my brain keeps going.  So... Let's see what happens!

Also:  Takeru:  "Stay hidden, Patamon!" *puts Patamon on his head and skips offstage* Takeru, sigh...

OH SHIT IT'S ETEMON, saying Taichiiiiihehehehe like a creep ass creeper.  He done got beef, too.

Annnnd we cut to everyone reacting because Mimi has no supplies (did you all not bring any?). What I like here, though, is that Jyou can at least talk to her without getting shut down.  Poor Kou-chan -__-

Koushiro: "We're amateurs, is there anything we should watch out for?"  OH I DUNNO, MAYBE ETEMON IN A HAT AND A VEST god damn I know this is supposed to be funny, but they all look like idiots- 

Koushiro: "That old man had a feminine way of speaking"  Says the dude being portrayed by a male actor FOR THE FIRST TIME-

Koushiro: "Taichi-san, you're the closest thing to a caveman we have-"  Ah, bless.

(At this point, my husband is pointing out while playing Destiny that the puppeteers do really good digimon voices, and I'm explaining that the digimon voices are pre-recorded, lol).

ANNNNND Mimi is whining for supplies that she forbade people to bring.  I am shocked.

Jyou is talking about how he wants to help digimon by being a doctor, by saving and protecting, and my heart is growing three sizes.  Best Chosen, y'all.

But oof, the atmosphere got so heavy...  Why do these kids refuse to talk about what they want to do???  Jyou remains refreshing.  Also, I'm just noticing how Koushiro turns his entire body around every single time towards whoever is talking?  He leans in, too.  It's both cute and unexpected (I would expect much more reserved body language, but I get that this is a play and that's what you do).

HAH!  Only Jyou can see the shooting star because he's the only one with his shit together!  I love that, lol!  (Also, is that really Tailmon's voice actress?  Hmm...)

NO, ETEMON HAS KOU-CHAN, BAD TOUCH, BAD TOUCH although really it's painful that we're still pretending they can't recognize Etemon.

Koushiro can't read the room...  Well, at least that's familiar, lol!

(At this point, my husband is asking what I think, and I'm stuttering over how annoyed I am at the ‘not-recognizing-Etemon’ gag.  My husband is laughing at me and saying I'm at a loss for words. Thanks, love.)

HOLY SHIT did Hikari and Mimi just use the tired "scary stories" trope to bring up the Dark Ocean? I'll give 'em points for that.  I AM INTRIGUED, let's go!!!  Oh.  Oh, they broke it off.  They're not doing anything with it.  That's... sigh.  Thanks, guys. (Caterpillar Sleeping Bag Mimi is cute AF tho).

Hmm, right now I'm thinking that Mimi's actress is so lovely and so lively and really feels like Mimi, but...  I also can't stand how they wrote her so far.  Throwing Koushiro's computer, talking over him, not allowing him to point out when she's contradicting herself, immediately requesting the supplies she forbade people to bring...  This stuff annoyed me in Adventure, but she was 10 and in a situation I would have strongly struggled to handle.  But now she's literally...  Making problems for everyone...  For nostalgia's sake...  At age 16? I'm so torn, lol, because the acting is so good but ahhhhh...  Let's see how this develops...

Hmm hmm, I'm listening to Sora talk about how she doesn't wanna grow up, either... Darling, you're already quite grown up, lol!  Lovely lady. I love how the digimon puppeteers echo their puppets, I can't get enough of watching Agumon's puppet and performer while Sora speaks.  They really did a great job!

I think I'm about an hour into this, maybe a little less?  45 minutes?  So far all that's really happened is that we've established that the characters want to be together as Chosen Children, and that with the exception of Jyou, they aren't emotionally or mentally prepared to seriously think of a future beyond that.  I'll be the first to say that this a compelling and interesting topic, and it's something I've wondered about for them, but...  Shouldn't... more things... have happened by now?  Hmm...  I understood that this would be an issue from Sora's very first bit of dialogue.  No one in the audience needs this much expansion and repetition, particularly with so few new ideas and so little momentum so far.  Tri is intended as a love letter for fans of Adventure, yes?  Mostly adult fans?  We don’t need this much repetition to understand, we truly don’t...

Ah!  Now Yamato is talking about Jyou and how to become an adult, finally dropping some new ideas in.  Love ya, Yams.  And ahh, man, Taichi is just... screaming all of his lines?  The actor is so sweet and cute, but the delivery...  I'm pretty sure it's supposed to reflect that Taichi is putting up fronts like nobody's bidness, though.  Yamato ain't buyin' it (Yamato is Almost Best).  I really want him to grunt, "Tell the truth or shut up." XD XD  GRUNT GRUNT.

 Augh, god, I can't take this tho?  Literally EVERY TIME someone tries to say something that will move the plot forward or inject some vulnerability into this play (except for Papa Jyou), they change the subject.  I'm about halfway through now and this has to be at least the 10th time we've been blocked from useful information and deeper thoughts with this method.  Tri suffers from this same issue, though...  Their plot is such that they can’t sustain tension if issues are faced in a natural way, so they CHANGE THE SUBJECT or DROP A LEAD or IGNORE A LEAD, etc, etc.  Here it's mostly saying, "Well what about you?" or screaming someone else's name, which...  Subtle???  Ah, Taichi's latest method of not saying anything is to ask Yamato to play his harmonica...  Oh my god, he's playing Walk on the Edge!  Okay, okay, you got me, stage play.  Hahaha, I remember Yams being better at playing a harmonica, tho!!!!  (I keep picking on this poor dude who is asked to do all of the awesome shit Yams can do, sorry my dude).

Taichi:  Should we sleep?

Yamato:  Let's talk some more.

Taichi: (shit!  fuck!  He remembered I'm dodging-)  YES BECAUSE HE ISN'T AN IDIOT EXCEPT WHEN ETEMON IS ONSTAGE OMG SOMEONE HELP ME-

Ahhh, and they fade out...  With no forward movement.  THANKS.  I mean we established mood, touched on Taichi/Yamato’s relationship, and set up the problems that will be address later (I assume), but...  It’s so drawn out...  

And now Koushiro is drawing on the ground with a stick, bless you, are you trying to compute something? Sigh...  Ah, bless, Tentomon is intervening, haha! 

But...  As right as Ten-chan is, he's also... Wrong? XD  DON'T TELL YOUR FORWARD MOVEMENT MACHINE TO POWER DOWN!!!  Annnnd yes!  We're an hour in and SOMETHING IS HAPPENING!  I am so ready for something to happen. (Tony: "Can we handle the stimulation, though?")

Oh god, the kids freaking out over their partners acting weird, Gabumon's stage hand collapsing... God, right in the feels, I'm almost mad about how easy it is to get an emotional response this way, lol!  We just love our babies too much, lol!

Wow, Yamato lost it at Kou-chan...  You know, we think of Taichi as carrying a lot of pressure (and rightfully so), but Koushiro carries just as much, as we saw in Kokuhaku.  He's not magic, Yams, he needs his tools, and he doesn't have 'em. Related:  Although I don't much care for how it happened, I definitely would love to read/write/see a story where Koushiro has no computer and has to adapt, though.  I'd also love to see one where a new tech wizard appears and he questions his role, but that's a whole' nother thing.

EWW OH MY GOD DON'T UNDRESS ETEMON MIMI WHAT THE HELL, bleeeeehhhhhhh...  Oh god, he thought his outfit was obvious...  Well, you see Etemon, somewhere in the last 6 years, the kids completely lost their ability to read situations x__x  (I get that this is a joke, I really do?  But???)

 Oh huh, so they're claiming Etemon wandered the Dark Ocean for 100 years?  Didn't he...  Come back in Adventure as MetalEtemon?  Is he referencing his second defeat?  ?????

OH GOD POWER RANGER ETEMON WHAT IS HAPPENING.  Haha it's kind of cute that he's like, "Eh I don't know these two (Hikari and Tailmon).  I don't think Metaletemon saw them?  But honestly I don't remember.  I think he was around Jyou and Mimi mostly?

Wait shit are we seriously doing the actual conflict part WITHOUT JYOU AND GOMAMON?  I am so mad right now.  I kind of feel like they'll burst in at some point???  I hope...

...Etemon has a song and dance number.  I am rolling on the floor in pain with the Chosen.  I'm doing it, guruguru mawaru-  No, NO, YOU PUT TAICHI DOWN-  Goddamit how many bad touch jokes do I have to make-

 OH THANK GOD, is Jyou coming back?  THANK YOU DIGI JESUS!  (Tony: "Wait is your favorite back? Did he leave?  It sounded like he wandered off and now he's wandering back in again."

Gomamon: "YOU'RE BEING GROSS JYOU" honey, oh child, you ain't seen nothing yet.  Oh bless him, he's so happy, can we just watch Jyou bounce around in joy please and no more singing power ranger monkeys?  I take back my complaints about nothing happening, haaaaaaaaaaaalp me Senpaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiii

Oh lord Etemon's back WHELP.  Oh shit, oh shit that Obon joke, THAT'S THE BEST JOKE IN THIS PLAY, isn’t it?  We can't beat that.  Should I... leave?

Taichi, in Etemon's gross ass digital Wonder Land:  "What's wrong, Hikari?"  WHAT'S WRONG?!  WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE-

(My husband has informed me that I'm growling.  He tells me that, when we were watching Gravity Falls and Mabel tries to tempt Dipper and the others to stay in the perfect imaginary world Bill made for her, I said, "What is she, Satan?  Tempting them to stay here in comfort instead of facing danger to save everyone?"  This is a similar scenario, and it's one of the few things I didn't like about Gravity Falls and OH NO, TAICHI IS THE MABEL OF THIS SITUATION, HELP!!!!  Oh thank goodness, Taichi's done with this too, whew, okay, okay, breathe, stop growling).

Oh God, the Agumon puppet looks dead without the puppeteer, that's actually really awful? These puppets are amazing, guys.  I cannot say enough good stuff about the execution with these puppets.

Hmm, Taichi just begged for mercy, and Etemon is unimpressed...  Reminds me of the fandom after Saikai.  I wonder where they'll take this...

HOLY SHIT Taichi is losing his shit!  I won't say that all of that stammering and dodging earlier is accounted for here, since most of the characters did it to some degree, but it's nice to see the payoff within the same piece (instead of waiting months for the next Tri film and forming your own conclusions in that time period).  I'm actually happy to see a screaming breakdown like this...

Man Koushiro speaks SO QUICKLY, dude, slow it down!!!  Ahhh, he says that we're granted whatever we want here, so Etemon is probably trying to trick us by having us hear Jyou.  SOMEONE IS THINKING USING THEIR BRAINSSS I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!!

JYOU IS HEREEEE TO SAVE THE DAAAAAAYYY THE NEW DIGI JESUS, JYOUUUUUU!!!  (And while I 100% agree that you should be cautious, Kou-chan, c'mon, he arrived saying that you made his phone go off on the train and it made him feel awkward, that's pretty much proof that it's Jyou, lol!).  OH AND NOW KOU AND YAMS ARE ROASTING JYOU, classic.

Koushiro finally takes a stab directly at the heart of this...  It's not even about being children and avoiding adulthood; it's about not wanting to leave August 1st.  I realize exposition is Kou's job, but I didn't expect him to be the one to lay it out after all of this dodging.  I’ll be honest, I’m so pleased with Koushiro in this stage play so far?  I love how he moves, I love how quickly he speaks, I love that he’s able to come out and say this.  I wasn’t into the way the play used him spouting off numbers to indicate intelligence, but that’s a nitpick compared to the ground they gave Koushiro here.  

JYOU.  JYOU.  EVEN IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN YOURSELF, KOUSHIRO, I BELIEVE IN YOU.  He continues to be THE BEST, I am in awe, I bow before Jyou.

OH MAN is Jyou gonna work his awkward magic on Yams?  Where's my freakin' popcorn.  Oh, well, hell.  Yama said he... doesn't wanna talk.  *rubs forehead*  Great. Entertaining.  THIS IS FUN I AM HAVING FUN *curls up and cries*

Okay so now Taichi is freaking out and Koushiro is trying to talk to him (roughly 70% of this stage play is someone trying and failing to talk to someone else).  But I really like what Taichi says here- "I have nothing to hesitate about." We all know this isn't true; Taichi is hesitating all over the place right now.  Let's see where this goes!  (Please let it go somewhere this time, lord above).  WAIT- WAIT-  ARE YOU SHOWING ME KOUSHIRO POINTING FINGERS AT TAICHI'S BULLSHIT AND SAYING "I'VE BEEN BY YOUR SIDE FOR SIX YEARS!!" AND THEN CUTTING AWAY?!?!??!?!?!?!?  RAAAAAAAHHHH is this an aneurysm?  I think this is what an aneurysm feels like.  You can't drop lines that good and then CUT AWAY FROM IT GOOD LORD IN HEAVEN-

Sigh, tsk, groan. Hikari, Teeks.  Whacho got for me?  Whoa, I swear Takeru has been a second away from sobbing ever since Etemon revealed himself.  You... you okay, buddy?  Can I, uh, get you anything?  I love how much Hikari has her shit together in contrast.  Oh, and Takeru is about to say something usefu- ohhh, another cut. God, I have a headache.

Hmm, Sora and Meems are cracking, too...  Sora says, "It was simpler when I was everyone's mom.  It's not like me to decide on someone or something."  I really need to hear Mulan's Reflections in the background right now...

Mimi saying "I want to do SO many things!" is refreshing my soul.  I know she's one of the most shippable Chosen, but honestly, if not for the fact that she has a kid that is clearly biologically hers, I would assume that she's too busy doing EVERYTHING to have a family.  My headache recedes just a touch.

Hmm...  I actually really like what Sulky (Yams) is trying to say here.  "I don't want to be with everyone because I'm Chosen.  I want to be with Gabumon because he's my friend," basically.  Part of me sides with Jyou- dude we all get that, it's not a shameful secret- but another part of me...  Deeply appreciates that Yams can separate his duty as a Chosen from his bond with his digimon.  Gabumon is his best friend, his number one.  It doesn't matter if Gabumon can't fight, if Yamato can never digivolve him again. It doesn't even matter that he's a digimon.  It just matters that they're friends, and that they be together somehow, which may seem a more tenuous position by the day.  ...Now I'm sad.  Well played, stage play.  This moment is wonderful.

...Annnnnnd now Yamato is overacting to hell, and I'm laughing instead of thinking and feeling, was that supposed to happen?  Sigh. I still don't understand why he has to be SO SECRETIVE about it, but I mean...  That's our Yams??? 

And now we're back to Kou and Taichi, and they're pulling at each other's throats, as they will, and honestly this is the only "NOW KISS" moment for me, but where was I-

In all seriousness, I really like that the person to finally, FINALLY get the truth from Taichi is Koushiro.  That's how it often was in Adventure too, yes?  But I almost feel like Taichi's breakdown here is a reflection of what fans said in Saikai.  Taichi in Adventure always took action (although he grew so much during Adventure, I'd argue the version of himself he's referencing now wasn't there by the end of Adventure?). He can't fight in Saikai because he's concerned about hurting people/property/the tenuous relationship between humans and digimon.  He can't take action...  But the ability to see that is an indication of growth, not regression.  Will he understand that here?  

Ok god, Agu-chan is dropping some truth bombs...  And the way he and his puppeteer crawl...  I swear these goddamm puppets will be the death of me.

Agu-chan, can you do me a solid and STAMP THIS ALL OVER EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE KIDS PLEASE AND THANK YOU?!

HOLY SHIT IS THAT A METALGRAYMON PUPPET?!  THEY HAD THAT SHIT ALL ALONG AND THEY BRING IT OUT WITH 20 MINUTES LEFT?!  WHAT WOT WOOOOT?!??!  I cannot believe I'm seeing this.  And I love how heavy and cumbersome the huge puppet feels.  Like, I always felt like Metalgreymon would be huge and slow, right?

Etemon, I was done with your shit a LONG time ago...

WAIT he is admitting that he was Metaletemon previously. So... when... exactly did he fall into the Dark Ocean?  Sigh. This is one of those "Let it go, Hidden" things, isn't it.  Uh, wow, I am totally unfamiliar with Kingetemon.  That's... a... thing.  

The use of screens and images in the stage play are really fun!  It must have been awesome to see this show in person O__o;;

OH SHIT, Yamato arrives in a cloud of smoke, that's how you KNOW shit is gonna go down!

OH MY GOD OMEGAMON ONLY GETS A HEAD OH MY GOD I'M DYING (Tony:  "HEY do you know how big that thing's supposed to be?!)

KOUSHIRO IS WEARING THE GOGGLES I'm down.  HIDDEN IS DOWN!  REVIEWER DOWN!!!!

HOLY SHIT JYOU'S "A" ON HIS MOCK TEST WASN'T REAL okay this is also a Good Joke, I applaud. Also I am LOVING sassy Koushiro in this? His way of being sassy is to do it in a way where you're not quite sure if he is trying to be a butt or not, which is 10000000% yes lol (In contrast, Izzy is intentionally awful usually lol).

Annnnd I was right from the start; Jyou is carrying this entire thing, lol.  Oh my god, the delivery on this?!?!??!  AMAZING.

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA. LAUGHTER.  THEME SONG.  DRAMATIC POSE.  I THINK THIS IS THE END SHOT YOU GUYS.

 Now the actors are coming out to speak!

THIS.  LITTLE.  SHIT. I love him?  I...  I love him. The snark is strong in this one. I... he is so... so beautiful.  I...  I think I might be in love?  (This at least indicates that I wasn’t alone in thinking the computer toss was too much???).

YAMATO’S ACTOR JUST SAID "DON'T SAY GOODBYE," Well played, son.  I like the cut of your jib.

 AHHHHH OKAY OKAY I have no idea how I’m going to analyze this.  My surface thought is that this play features a lot of the emotions and inner thoughts of individual characters that can’t fit into Tri, and that (I personally think) Tri suffers from a lack of.  Because there isn’t really ship bait and maneuvering around a new character and plot, we’re able to see relationships that feel much more familiar to Adventure than we often see in Tri (ie, Taichi worried about Hikari, Koushiro worried about Taichi, etc).  As you noticed, I’m very unhappy with the way the play pushes the payoff back as far as possible, cramming it into an AMAZING twenty minutes or so...  But I loved those twenty minutes.

Also, Koushiro feels waaaay more like Koushiro than he does in Tri, except for Kokuhaku.  As your local insane Koushiro fan girl, I am standing and applauding and screaming and crying.  NO PERVY KOUSHIRO.  NO FASHION DISASTERS.  Just Koushiro being supportive and apt and sweet and trying so hard.  I am refreshed.  I am younger.

And the passion and love and energy that went into us, so visibly in human form...  I can’t describe how wonderful the actors and the puppeteers were.  And even though I kind of hated Etemon, his actor was incredible.

So the stage play has amazing points and really irritating points, but on the whole, it’s my second favorite thing Tri has given us (following Kokuhaku).  I will try to write about it more smart-like soon!  If you got this far...  I’m in awe, lol!  High five, my friend!

[shadeecare]

Hana Kimura, victim of cyberbulling

Another Celebrity has fallen. Hana Kimura, professional wrestler and star of Netflix’s ‘Terrace House’, a Japanese reality TV series, fell victim to suicide. She left behind messages indicating that cyberbullying is the cause of her death. Recently there has been a deluge of celebrities sharing their struggles about the hurtful comments posted by netizens. Cyberbullying or trolling is an increasing phenomenon where people harass or post hateful messages about another person online. Living a life that is constantly under public eye, where your every movement, action and word is being scrutinised by the public can be daunting even for the most self-assured celebrity. Some celebrities however, have found ways around it   Get therapy

Jesy Nelson, rose to fame with the pop band Little Mix. The online abuse started when Little Mix was competing in The X Factor and winning the title only made it worst for Nelson. She received a barrage of name calling and hurtful comments which caused her to spiral into depression. Recently, Jesy released a personal documentary, revealing the impact of online trolls on her mental health and her journey of rehabilitation. The documentary by BBC titled, ‘Odd One Out’ won the  2020 Visionary Honours award for Nelson. Watch Odd One Out here    Take a  Social Media holiday

Lizzo, famous not only for her singing but for her stand on ‘plus-size’ body positivity has taken a hiatus from Twitter stating that there were just ‘too may trolls’. Lizzo was bombarded with criticism over her comments on Twitter that a Food-delivery person had stolen her food.  The food-delivery person fought back and claimed that she had unsuccessfully tried to contact the celebrity. Lizzo reiterates: "I apologise for putting that girl on blast. I understand I have a large following and that there were so many variables that could’ve put her in danger. Imma really be more responsible with my use of social media and check my petty and my pride at the door". However, the apology failed to undo the damage and the food-delivery person is suing Lizzo for inflicting trauma. But Lizzo says her departure is not forever. She says: "I’ll be back when I feel like it". Many other celebrities have also stayed away from social media including Millie Bobby Brown and Marie Tran.

Fight Back

Taylor Swift, ‘Pop Titan’ and best-selling musician of all times, has battled trolls throughout her singing career. Yet even before she amassed countless awards and accolades, it was her indomitable spirit  that allowed Swift to bounce back every time. Just write a song about the one who slimes you, has been her signature approach to nasty comments. Swift has clearly mastered the art of teasing trolls and Taylurking with their own comments including featuring snakes in her album and Easter Eggs on social media in retaliation. Swift kept low for a year because of the Kardashian/ West conflict but rose from the ashes again. In her recent release ‘You need to calm down’, some believe that Swift was once again addressing her trolls in her song. You need to calm down.

One wonders why people are still taking pot shots at this artist when the list of her philanthropic deeds is as many as her musical awards. Since 2008, Swift has donated millions and spoken up for victims of cancer, flood, online predators, sexual assault, discrimination, and most recently appeared in a concert to raise funds for the WHO Covid19 Solidarity Response Fund. She is also known to do sweet things for her fans. She would personally send flowers and gift to her fans, and have even showed up at a 96 year old’s home to sing for him. With 200 million fans online, Taylor Swift has all the muscle to speak her mind, shame the bullies and retaliate in the way she does.   But I’m not Taylor Swift. So now what? You have trolls crawling out of your computer screen and you are not quite Taylor Swift! Here are some suggestions you can try:

  Be careful who you befriend on social media. People may not be who they appear to be on these platforms. Do not post pictures and information that other people can use against you. Don’t respond to what the trolls say. Often, nasty comments are made to get a response from you and ignoring the bully will defeat their plans to get you down. Responding is also pointless if the bully hinds behind a false persona. Keep a record of the derogatory remarks so that you have evidence of what was said in case you need to raise the case to the authorities. Take a snapshot of the post with the name of the sender, date and social media platform visible. Change your social networking settings and block out the bully. Delete all information that was posted by the bully so that it does not create copycat behavior against you. Get help from forum moderators and report the abuse to the different Social Media site providers. Tell a more mature family member, friend or trusted adult and ask them to stand up for you.   Upstanding Cyberbullying

Often, we wonder why in a busy public space like social media, where everyone is looking at everyone else’s pages and comments but nobody says anything when a vicious comment is posted. Bystanders do not take the initiative to help the victim for many reasons. Some fear retaliation and being bullied themselves Some may not know what to do to address the bullying. Some feel that it is not their business to intervene as they do not know the victim or what the real situation is about. Research has shown that often, the reason for bystander inaction is because everyone is waiting for someone else to make the first move to speak up against the bullying. Once someone starts to call out the bad behavior then other people will likely join in to do what is right. How can you upstand cyberbulling? Here are some suggestion. But remember to focus on the act and the behavior itself, not the person perpetrating it. Your response should focus at calling out bad behavior and supporting the victim rather than shaming the troll. It is totally pointless  fighting bullying with more bullying.

Positive Offensive – Post positive comments about the victim, point out positive qualities or commendable actions by the victim. You can also defend the victim by saying ‘ You and I have lost it/messed up too, and that should be ok’. Delete the negative messages. - Do not forward the negative comments to other people. Gather more people to post nice comments about the victim. Change the topic or use Humour- Sometimes humour can lighten up a serious situation. But be careful that you are not poking fun at someone else as you do so. E.g ‘Whoa, someone is having a bad day to be saying such things’. Object to bullying – You could write: ‘ That’s not a nice thing to say. You wouldn’t want someone to say the same thing to you’ Reach out privately to the victim- Send the victim a private note sharing your displeasure about the bullying, express your concern and show understanding for how they feel. Provide help to raise the bullying to relevant authorities   Unintentional vs Intentional Bullying

Sometimes written comments can be misconstrued, as it is hard to tell the motivation behind a comment when you can’t see the facial reaction or hear the tone of voice. Unintentional bullying can happen when people crack a bad joke not knowing that the recipient is sensitive to the statement. Many people also make remarks in a fly without explaining what they really mean. Some express comments that are really a reflection of their own fears and anxious thoughts. If you have unintentionally said something that hurt someone, Apologise! Forgive yourself! and Be more mindful next time. But if a person persistently causes hurt to someone else, it could be because they have unresolved issues in their own lives. Research has shown that some cyberbullies just don't know how to empathise with others. Some bullies are actually afraid of being bullied themselves as they may have been the target of bullies in the past. And of course there are those bully's who only know aggression as the way to solve problems. We do not want to validate bullying nor encourage behavior that is hurtful to others. But we do want people who resort to bullying as an outlet for their frustrations to get help for themselves. They should speak with professional counsellors, teachers, religious or community leaders about their struggles. Get help here:

  A Different Perspective.

Lashana Lynch is most recently known for her role in the movie Captain Marvel, playing fighter pilot Maria Rambeau and best friend of Carol Danver a.k.a Captain Marvel. However, Lynch’s next big role in the James Bond movie ‘ No Time to Die’, was not well received by Bond fan’s. Many fans reacted negatively when it was revealed that Lynch would play the roll of 007, as they did not think an African American ‘Black’ women should be ascribed the role of 007. Lynch however, was unfazed with the comments and responded: "It doesn't dishearten me," she said. "It makes me feel quite sad for some people because their opinions, are not even from a mean place -- they're actually from a sad place. It's not about me. People are reacting to an idea, which has nothing to do with my life." Lynch went the extra mile and text some of them with a positive message causing a few to have a change of heart. She says their reply was like: "Oh my gosh, thank you so much!" She added: "But it's an interesting test because it reminds them that they definitely wouldn't say that to someone's face." Lynch demonstrates here that when you take a step back and look at negative comments with a clear head, you can be less emotionally affected. By identifying the reason behind the negative reaction of the Bond fans, Lynch recognized that the fans were actually disappointed because of the type casting of the 007 character which failed to meet with their own expectations.

Cyberbullying is a global problem and has claimed many casualties. However, for cyberbullying to stop, we need to recognize that everyone needs to play a part and take proactive steps to change the way we behave, react and communicate on cyber space. If you are a victim of cyberbullying, engaging in self-harm or having suicidal thoughts, please call for help now:

References: Englander, E.K, Muldowney, A.M. (2007). Just Turn the Darn Thing Off: Understanding Cyberbullying.. InMARC Publications.Paper 12. Available at: http://vc.bridgew.edu/marc_pubs/12 Marano, H.E, (1995,2019) Psychology Today. Big Bad Bully- Bullies aim to inflict pain. But eventually, the one most hurt by the bullying is the bully himself. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/199509/big-bad-bully Steffgen, G., Konig, A., Pfetsch, J., & Melzer, A. (2011). Are Cyberbullies Less Empathic? Adolescents’ Cyberbullying Behavior and Empathic Responsiveness. CyberPsychology, Behavior & Social Networking, 14, 643-648. doi: 10.1089/cyber.2010.0445. Shultz, E., Heilman, R., & Hart, K. J. (2014). Cyber-bullying: An exploration of bystander behavior and motivation. Cyberpsychology: Journal of Psychosocial Research on Cyberspace, 8 (4), Article 3. https://doi.org/10.5817/CP2014-4-3 Image of Hana Kimura - Youtube: Word Association with Hana Kimura. Image/Video of Jesy Nelson - Odd One Out, BBC.com Image of Lashana Lynch - Captain Marvel Trailer, Marvel Entertainment. Image of Lizzo - Andy Witchger / CC BY (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0) Image of Taylor Swift - YouTube: The Best Outfits At The 2019 American Music Awards | Cosmopolitan UK] Read the full article