#autism thing is kinda the same but when the lady says that everyone else just looks like her like she's an idiot (she is)

[churchydragon]

Autism being the next step in evolution *Cries*

AWFUL FOUL WRETCHED HORRIBLE. PREDATOR 2018 DOESN'T EXIST. IT'S NOT REAL. IT CAN'T HURT YOU--

that movie is just. awful. besides the ablesim it also just shits on ALL the reestablished lore for the Yautja. there was an entire game about how altering their DNA like that was frowned upon in their culture. They don't even take Predaliens as trophies because they consider them abominations.

the first two Predator movies were the best ones and I stand by that. Predators was okay, Predator 2 was my favorite and added more to the Yautja and the first Predator is a classic. The Predator is easily the weakest of the movies. I can't say anything about Prey because I haven't seen it yet but I hear it's good. though after 2018 the bar was probably pretty low.

[twilight-at-midnight]

High functional autism

Pairing: Edward Cullen x reader

Warnings: Slight bullying

Requested: @frzntrx

Request: Edward X High functioning Autistic (used to be called Asperger's) reader who loves reading and writing stories??? :) It's nice to see representation in media (Sheldon Cooper from BBT kinda puts people off, but other stuff like the Book "The Kiss Quotient" are more relatable!)

***

Out of all the classes you were enrolled in, you favored creative writing and debate most out of all others.

Study could be considered as another favorite, as you could take advantage of the time to either read or think of an idea for your short stories. You were a very talkative person as well, and sadly, that had lost you a few friends while others grew tired of you. That included the teachers, and teachers are supposed to be like your given ultimate protection from the mean kids at school.

You would speak almost non stop, the only friend that stood by your side was Bella Swan, she never once considered judging you just because of your diagnosis of High Functioning Autism. She was one of the few who didn’t and who could oversee that and be friends with you anyways. After Bella, Edward Cullen soon follows and he seemed to have taken quite an interest in you, and Bella couldn’t help but feel slightly jealous as she had always thought of him as handsome and wanted nothing more then to be with Edward. But at the same time, she couldn’t intervene because she just wanted happiness for the both of you. Just like Bella, Edward had felt as though he needed to protect you after learning of your diagnosis.

The thing was you were handing in your assignment for creative writing and after getting the best score out of everyone else, that’s where the teasing had started. Some even gave you the nickname, teacher’s pet and you couldn’t lie that it was hurtful. Bella nor Edward stepped into your defense because you haven’t said a single word about the hell you’ve been enduring through the school hallways of Forks High School. When they did find out, it was when they discovered you in the ladies room, quietly sobbing in case anyone walked by. Edward had a look of wordy, he couldn’t go in the ladies room without being seen, so Bella did and started talking to you, wanting to figure out what was wrong. Admittedly, you had wanted to be left alone at first when you were found, but Bella wasn’t having any of it as she remains there until you’re ready to tell her what’s going on.

It took a few moments to gather your thoughts before spilling the beans completely about your school life, the teasing and bullying along with everything that’s been going on. Bella was not too happy of course that you hadn’t report this to her or Edward and what set her off was the showing of your grade from creative writing course and when she reads over it, she was now really upset about this, so much so that you were beginning to feel bad about telling the actual truth, than you started apologizing.

Bella stops talking your ear off once she heard the apology.

“Are you serious? This is why you’ve been teased? What the hell is wrong with people?!”

“I’m sorry..” you say quietly, Bella than looks your way.

“Don’t be, it’s not you. It’s them and it always will be them. You’re very strong and capable of extraordinary things, things that had given you something most people don’t have, you were one of the few lucky ones. It makes you quite unique, I love your short stories and the way you pick a book to read to me and Edward on the lawn during lunch hour. You may be a talker, but there’s no need to worry when it comes to talking to me. Don’t listen to them, okay? They just don’t know the real you.”

You slowly nod in agreement while taking her outstretched hand to pull you to your feet and follow back out behind her.

It was almost startling to see that Edward was waiting for you.

“What’s going on?” He asks.

“Nothing now, everything is okay.” Bella lies.

“Nothing now, I just had a bad day is all. Everything is fine now.” You say, backing Bella up on her lie.

Later on that night, something would happen to make everything change.

You had followed Bella to town along with two of her new friends as they were there to pick out dresses for the prom. You weren’t paying any attention until Jessica had mentioned your name, confronting you about it.

“Are you even listening,(Y/n)?”

It was a little embarrassing, because you didn’t have a book with you to read and you didn’t want to find yourself talking so much to the point these people would walk away like the rest have done in the past.

Jessica and Angela had no idea of your diagnosis, and they were a bit impatient with you. Looking up at them, you see Jessica in a beautiful lavender dress and you sincerely thought it looked head over heels beautiful on her. All it really was incredibly stunning, so much so that she shouldn’t have to try on anymore dresses.

“Of course! I love that one on you, it’s very pretty.”

“If there’s something else you’d rather be doing, you’re welcome to leave and meet us back at the restaurant for dinner as planned.” Jessica says.

“Will do. Um.. there’s actually a book I’d like to go and pick up from a nearby store.”

“Want me to come with?” Bella offers.

“No, I’ll be fine.”

After walking out of the store, you started making your way back to the restaurant, and part of that route goes through a sketchy dark alley that didn’t quite feel safe to walk through. Even if you weren’t alone, it gave anyone and eerie feeling not to go through it.

You were going to bravely continue in the alley, until you saw some creepy homeless dudes messing around with a pack or two of beers in hand. On instinct, you quickly turn to go the other way, or at least, you tried to from the sketchy men. The red flags started showing when they spot you before getting over closer to you, making unwanted advances towards you. With your diagnosis, it was often difficult for you to fight alone, but you wouldn’t give these disgusting homeless men the satisfaction in becoming vulnerable to them, you wanted to fight back and that’s exactly what you were going to do. After the first advanced had taken place, you were more furious than you were at all scared.

“Don’t touch me!” You snap, trying to back away.

The men started surrounding you, making remarks.

“Where do you think you’re going? Come with us, we’ll show you a good time!”

That’s when you got scared and really tried to fight them off. What saved your life was the sound of tires screeching as an unrecognizable car pulled up with Edward existing it.

He demands you to get in the car, which you do.

“Get in the car.” Edward orders firmly as he walks over to the men.

You watch from the passenger’s seat as Edward scared them off with a death glare that read, “If you hurt her, you will have to deal with me.” It was impressive to say the least, though Edward scared them off by dominating the situation, he climbed back in the car furious and nearly ran over one of the men who laid a unwanted hand on you.

Edward quickly sped off, right on out of there with you safe and sound. That was a night neither of you would ever forget. The situation was like a roller coaster and you wanted nothing more than to forget about it, but you would always be grateful for Edward getting there in the nick of time. After the incident, you used part of the scenarios in your short stories and had given them to Edward to read. He loved the effort you had in writing, and wanted you to write some more sometime while sitting on the lawn with both Bella and himself during lunch hour and read to them.

You read them aloud the book you had bought from that very store. Living with high functional autism was not always difficult, best friends made it not seem so difficult. In your case, you had two best friends that you were closest to, and everyone knew it. Those friends were Edward and Bella, they were always there for you.

That was all that matters, you no longer didn’t care what others thought.

***

@twilight-at-midnight

Tags: @frzntrx

NOTE: I hope you enjoy! Thank you for requesting this and I hope I did it up to your expectations! Feel free to send in another request! ❤️

Requests: open

Characters:

• Carlisle Cullen

• Edward Cullen

• Jasper Cullen

• Emmet Cullen

• Riley Biers

• Benjamin

• Vladimir

• Alice Cullen

• Rosalie Cullen

• Bella Swan

• Aro

• Caius

• Alec

• Jane

[plutodile]

(tugs the hem of your shirt) if its ok w you could you be so kind to tell me more about your magical girls? seeing them makes me go :]

OMGGGG :) hell yeah hell yeah it will be very unorganized though

first though here is their little section in toyhouse so you know who they are when i say names (only the girls ive made) (the other magical girls so far are mozie and momoe from this they were made by friends) (momoe made by jack and mozie made by sophie)

the only story elements ive really decided on are miko & inuko being childhood friends, rosie joining sometime in their second year of middle school & them meeting tsubomi sometime afterwards. tsubomi is also a year above them but none of them call her mishima lol inuko lacks the social understanding to like intuitively do that, miko is too friendly but in like a rude way & rosie just picked up on what everyone else was calling her so she will forever be a tsubomi :)

they are tasked by this little dude

to defeat some Unnamed Big Bad i have not decided on but they sure will be fighting it. also hes not evil hes good and awesome and like the jake the dog of the group! hes awesome. but i know i wanna make sexy villains eventually

ive been trying to work on little full references but so far inuko is the only one to have really gotten anywhere :( i wanna redo quite a few of their magical girl designs 

and at some point i envisioned there to be some kind of 6th ranger lady to join the main group? she was to be an alien (like the one from twinkle star precure but actually like, alien shaped) i did not get very far with it though. one day she will join them

shes from the same planet as their little mascot dude (different species tho) & her species became the first magical girls but they were like. pretty weak so the mascot men became space travelers and found other species to be magical girls but this lady joins the team because she was like exceptionally strong :) she does not actually transform into a human but her species has cool psychic powers so she basically optical illusions everyone to see her as a human i guess. she does not do it to animals so they act weird around her. 

you probably cant tell because shes not standing anyone but her human appearance is supposed to be kinda uncomfortable and uncanny :) big bug eyes. she along with inuko are the autism havers (not literal in miss aliens case just like...coded i guess idk idk) because i think aliens having autistic traits is awesome. love that. inuko and her will get along 

also at some point i made like a weird pseudo dress up game for them mostly to test out outfits but heres a little thing of the options

btw these two are

i do not know what else to add i definitely have more thoughts on them but i feel like this will devolve into like Inuko Cinematic Universe Trivia Page if i do not stop

[spectrumed]

3. sadness

Don’t be like that. Be like this, or be that other thing. Be unique, but don’t be too unique. Fit in, but try to be a rebel. Be a renegade, but don’t rock the boat. Don’t know what you are supposed to be? What? Do you have imposter syndrome or something? Just be yourself, but, y’know, sand down the edges a little bit. Be friendlier. Be the kind of person everyone likes. Be the life of the party! Don’t be some shut-in, some crazy cat-lady with absolutely zero social life. Don’t be sad. Don’t burden others with your sadness. Work to maximise the total happiness of your community. A smile goes a long way. Can’t smile? You really can’t help but being a sourpuss all the time? Well, I guess maybe that if you can’t help but stay in a perpetual bad mood bringing everyone else down… then maybe you should just stay isolated? Better stay alone, away from others. You’re toxic. You’re just so damned sad. You really must be quarantined.

I am sad, a lot of the time. Are you? But, no, you can’t just admit that you are sad. Don’t be a buzzkill, try to inject a little humour into the things you say. You can admit you’re depressed, if you do so with a joke. Don’t let others know you’re being sincere. Ironic jokes work the best, don’t they? They let you confess your secret gloom to everyone around, but they’ll never know just how serious you’re being. With a wink of the eye, any candid expression of your inner turmoil can become a hilarious post-modern gag. Are they or are they not telling the truth? Oh, I’ll never tell! And it will all work out excellent, up until the day you commit suicide. But every comedian’s time in the limelight has to end at some point, right?

This blog is supposed to be about autism spectrum disorder, why am I suddenly discussing depression? Well, I suppose that it is time we bring to the table this little thing called comorbidity. Psychology is messy. Some would argue that it is barely even a real scientific field (I tend to think that it is the best thing we have, but I acknowledge that in places, psychology is fundamentally flawed.) You may have thought that you’d get just one diagnosis. One simple label that you can work through and overcome. You’re bipolar, now go deal with it! But instead, you find yourself with a whole fistful of diagnoses. What to hear my proud list of diagnoses? Oh, please, don’t think because I am listing them this one certain way, I put them in order of relevancy to me. I love all of my diagnoses equally.

My diagnoses are:

Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD)

Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD)

Agoraphobia

Possible Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

Asperger syndrome (AS)

No, I was never officially diagnosed with depression, but largely because, at the time I received these diagnoses, my depression was so blatant that it felt as if I was walking around with a cloud of miasma surrounding at all times. Imagine me as Pig-Pen from Peanuts, but instead of being covered in dirt, I was covered in the funk of melancholy. And whatever treatment I would eventually go on to receive (and still am receiving to this day,) would go about treating my anxiety first, and hopefully, the depression would give in alongside the anxiety. It has, for the most part, though, I still feel the presence of that black dog from time to time. I also got only a half-hearted potential diagnosis of OCD, but later, during a trial of an antidepressant that had a freakishly negative impact on my psyche, it blossomed into a fully-grown attention-craving condition. Turns out that OCD can be a real hog for the spotlight, really not allowing any of the other diagnoses to take their turn on stage. Thankfully, when I got off that particular antidepressant, those symptoms stopped, but it has led me to be far more aware of my internal obsessive-compulsive thought patterns. For me, OCD largely lacks physical compulsions, but my mind is ablaze with intrusive thoughts, and I will routinely force myself to repeat certain phrases in my head to make them go away. The funny thing is, I never realised that wasn’t normal.

Diagnoses are an attempt to map out a spiders’ web of problems. Things come hand in hand. While I’m no psychologist, I can speak from the perspective of someone who has been through the psychiatric process, which I suppose, lends me a certain kind of expertise, doesn’t it? Maybe it really doesn’t. Maybe I’m just throwing words out there, thinking that I could serve a good purpose, but instead all I am doing is contributing to this great onslaught of digital disinformation we’re all suffering under. But I’m probably just too doubtful of myself. I am speaking about myself, after all. I’ve got first-hand experience in being myself. I know exactly what it feels like to own this skin, these bones, this heart, and this mushy brain of mine. I’m not claiming to know everything. I’m just claiming to know about this one sad individual writing this hoping it might allow someone to reblog my posts with the hashtag “relatable” one day.

Anxiety runs in my family. The neurosis demon gets passed down from generation to generation, only occasionally skipping a beat. My mother and I share many of the same neurotic quirks, though, she has for the most part of her life not had it to quite the excessive degree that I have it. I really took that genetic predisposition for anxiety and ran with it. And while I’m the only person in my family to have gotten diagnosed as being “on the spectrum,” there are a few members that I kinda sort of in a way actually quite seriously suspect might also be here somewhere on the spectrum. Still, as always goes with diagnosing, there’s no point in doing it unless the person is in need of some kind of treatment. I wholeheartedly believe that most people on the planet belong to one spectrum, be it an autism spectrum, a bipolar spectrum, a narcissism spectrum, even a schizophrenic spectrum, but diagnoses should be exclusively reserved for those who need psychiatric care. The world is a spectrum, and it’s worth noting that the terms “sane” and “insane” do not alone capture the complexity of the human psyche. A person can appear perfectly sensible, yet at some point in their life, they may have been a real silly little bugger who thought that their pet hamster was the reincarnation of the Buddha. Just as with physical health, one can struggle with one's mental health for one period in their life, only to later on in life feel utterly and entirely mentally healthy. Or, well, sadly in a lot of cases, people who were perfectly mentally healthy may suddenly become diagnosed with dementia. But that’s really sad, so let’s not talk about that.

Is it all genetic? Well, no. Or well, maybe? In regards to autism, I am pretty sure that, yes, it is genetic. While, yes, I do admit that I’m just a dummy on the internet, so what do I really know? And the brain is such a complex bit of mushy meat, so I could always be proven wrong. Though, I tend towards thinking that there most likely is principally a genetic factor to conditions like autism, or attention deficit disorder (and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder,) or things like bipolar disorder. But with anxiety, quite frankly, I can’t say how much of it is nurture and how much of it is nature. I mentioned that my mother and I share many of the same neurotic quirks, so that would imply that there is something in one's genes that can make some more prone to anxiety than others, but my mother does not struggle with agoraphobia, nor does she seem to have any obsessive-compulsive tendencies. In fact, in my family, even those that exhibit some element of heightened anxiety, they don’t seem to show any milder symptoms of this kind. I can’t help but feel as if these conditions I gained through that tortuous period of every boy’s and girl’s (and boy-girl’s) life is called puberty. I hate to conform to stereotypes but I did indeed hate being a teenager. Believe it or not, I wasn’t a jock, and no, I didn’t go to parties. I mostly spent my time crying.

The question that no doubt plagues every movie psychiatrist to no end is what kind of trauma must a person undergo to make them go mad? Abusive parents? Abusive uncles? Abusive teachers? Abusive dogs? Honestly, to be an adult raising a child must be rough, considering how any mistake you make might suddenly turn your little babe into a future serial killer. Now, there’s no doubt that there are some seriously terrible parents out there, and that a lot of people have mental woes that definitely came about due to their parents and their abysmal lack of parental care. But generally, how much can you actually blame on your parents? We know the cliché, let’s go sit down on the sofa and complain to our Freudian hack-shrink all about those times as a kid our dad missed the big game, or that time our mother embarrassed us in front of all of our friends. I have plenty of things to complain about my parents, like I believe we all have. Our parents are flawed, messy human beings, of course they occasionally made mistakes throughout our upbringings. But is that nearly enough to turn a person mentally ill? Putting up with an at times really embarrassing mom? No, I don’t think so. And of course, there are some real awful parents out there, I’m not doubting that. Trust me, I’m a fan of true crime, so I’ve heard some real grizzly stories of what some kids are forced to grow up with. But I am thinking that those instances are more rare than they are common. Most people with mental illnesses can most likely not blame their parents.

How ‘bout bullies? Yes, them bullies. Them awful mean bullies that made all of our lives so painful. It’s funny, it seems like every school had their own fair share of bullies, and yet no-one as an adult ever comes forward to admit that they themselves were the bullies. It’s almost like as if no-one ever thinks of themselves as being a bully, even when they are throwing rocks at that weird chubby kid with blonde hair who happens to be named Fredrik and who just wants to be left alone. Was I bullied? Well… yes. But I can’t say I got the brunt of it. I got bullied, but overall I’d say I only ever had it slightly worse than most people. I was still quite tall, typically taller than my classmates growing up, and for the most part I could roll with the punches. If you really want to talk about a kid I knew growing up that got bullied, let me tell you about this kid who knew all the right dances for all the right Britney Spears songs. He was gay, I think. Not quite old enough to have come out, I suspect, but, well... He liked all the female pop stars, but not in that way of wanting to kiss them and fondle their boobies, but in the “I want to sound just like them when I grow up” sort of way. I don’t know what happened to him (or them, or her, depending on how they identify now,) but that was real bullying. Like most folks, I found myself stuck in that limbo of seeing others get bullied far worse than me and being too cowardly to intervene, in fears that I’d end up taking their place. Yes, isn’t school just a marvellous place? It’s a wonder any of us turn out okay.

No, I think that, fundamentally, the problems I have arose with myself. This, blaming myself, is not something that I am unused to doing. I have a long history of blaming myself, that’s really the problem. As a teenager I knew that I was different, and I was frightened and scared of being exposed. I didn’t even really know what it was that was different about me, I just knew that I didn’t fit in. I felt as if I didn’t deserve to fit in. The older I got, the more intense these feelings got. And I started taking it out on myself. I started hating myself. And I really mean furiously hating myself. It wasn’t some casual self-loathing, it was searing self-hatred. I did not physically hurt myself, but I did engage with self-harm. I kept repeating the mantras of “I hate myself,” and “I am pathetic,” over and over again, with the ultimate goal of making myself cry. For a period, I couldn’t go to bed without making myself cry first. I began taking days off from school, pretending to be sick. Well, I suppose I was ill, but not physically. I began failing most of my classes, I only ended up doing well in art. I stayed away from school for whole weeks at the time. Once, when I shame-facedly returned to school some of the meaner boys came up to me and said that they were surprised to learn that I was still alive. They were surprised, but also a little disappointed.

This was a time in my life when I really needed psychiatric care. This became increasingly obvious to my parents, and my teachers. I was clearly suffering from depression. Not just some teenaged angst, but full-blown, wholly insidious, depression. But, well, I didn’t get the care that I needed. Oh, I did go to see a psychologist a couple of times, but she saw no reason for me to continue seeing her. I don’t know why she felt as if I wasn’t in need of help, frankly, I can’t fathom why she felt as if I wasn’t in need of help. I suppose I avoided telling her the truth of what went on inside of my head, but I feel like as if any good psychologist would have been able to tell that the kid sitting across from them was clearly suffering from something a tad more intense than just some common concerns about puberty. At most I was able to confess was that I was feeling ashamed over myself for getting so fat, but it should have been clear to anybody that I was only using that as a hook to hang my self-hatred on. There very clearly was some underlying condition that I had that should have gotten addressed. But it went ignored.

At most I can think to explain this is the fact that I wasn’t “problematic.” Not in the way some kids are, when they’re struggling with their mental health. I did not act out, I did not take drugs, and I was certainly not violent. Even to this day, though I have at many times suffered from suicidal ideation, I am a real low-risk for actual suicide considering my intense fear of dying (yes, that’s an odd combo to have.) So, I’ve come to realise that the only way I am getting treatment is if I actually seek out treatment. And back then, I was just as placid as I had previously always been. I was quiet and introverted, just desperate to get back home so I could go and hide in my room. Many teenagers are like that. And it is easy to ignore them, because they want to be ignored. They just don’t want to exist. When you are desperate to be left alone, eventually people will leave you alone. I would go on to receive psychiatric care later on my life, but only after several years passed. I did have a better time living in my later teenage years, but like with a bone that heals wrong, I needed someone to come in and sort me out. I was sad as a teenager, but I would become really sad as a twenty-something. Hopefully my thirties will be jolly.

[kainumbernine009]

I literally cannot do anything else until I get this out.

I’m... really not okay.

And when I say that, I’m not mentally unstable. I say that because I’m tired of waiting on empty promises, I’m tired of never having money in our account, I’m tired of living in a fucking city where half of the white people fucking worship the ground Trump walks on, and where most of the gay community has so much messy drama that it’s worse than middle school. And I went to a rough middle school.

I never talk about my past, because I don’t like to. It sucked. HARD. Being and only child in my family was nothing less than torture, especially as a closeted queer person. We grew up in the white Christian part of Nashville that dominated Music Row in the 90′s and early 2000′s. I played basketball with Alan Jackson’s daughter, and being around famous people was just no big deal. But, my parents decided to leave Nashville after my dad lost his job at TPAC, and we moved down south an hour to the town where the KKK got started (Pulaski, TN).

I had maybe two non-white people in my private Christian school growing up. I was never afraid of Black people, but my parents showed their racist asses quick when we moved there. The KKK has never left America, guys, no matter how many articles you read or studies you do. From 2005 to 2009 I saw a white town show its very worst to the Black community. I’ll never forget the first time I saw a march for “White Christians for Purity” the summer before Obama got elected. The disgust I felt inside was palpable. I had all kinds of friends in school, and I didn’t give TWO SHITS who they were or what they looked like... but I saw children my age, being brainwashed by their parents, that “white” is “right.”

Ever since then, I have been learning and growing about the issues of race. I remember my white classmates using the N word and getting away with it. I remember hearing about the principal at the high school punishing all the Black kids but not the white kids. I remember being invited to a church south of town that was a historically Black church, and how nice the ladies were to me for coming.

But I’ll never forget the racism that the religious groups promoted there, especially First Baptist Church and the 12 Tribes. I’ll never forget how FBC told me that my friend was going to Hell because she killed herself. I’ll never forget my mom telling me not to marry a Black man because of “impure genes.” I WILL NEVER FORGET THE INJUSTICES I SAW WHITE PEOPLE DOING TO BLACK PEOPLE THERE. NEVER.

And thank God, I have shaken the burden of religious guilt, but I still fight against this mentality. I live in a place that’s usually not even 10 minutes away from Trump-humping, sister-fucking, meth-addicted Confederate cunts in any direction. And we’re even closer to the rich white people who silently supported him, upset that their taxes would go up because of Biden.

And in the past four years since Trump got elected, I’ve gotten married, graduated college with honors, started my own photography business, and was making more than my husband there for a minute. I did my own taxes, marketing, editing, and everything. And then I came out as trans.

I lost everything.

I lost my studio. I lost friends. I had rumors started about me. I had people post hate messages on my wall. I had people at my drag shows tell others not to tip me, for whatever fucking reasons. I’ve had bosses give cis people jobs over me, and I’ve had government workers give me second looks when I hand them my license.

It. Fucking. Sucks. To. Live. Here. Like. This.

Oh yeah, did I mention I’m also a witch/medium? I’ve talked to dead people before and have told their relatives things I shouldn’t have known otherwise about their grandparents. Like, this information doesn’t even exist on Google. And I’m attuned to reiki. I’m always aware of what’s happening on at least SOME metaphysical level. This is a gift that I’ve had to go through life developing and learning about myself, with no one’s help but me.

I didn’t even know until I was an adult that I have autism and ADHD.

I’ve taken bullets from people who were about to kill themselves. I’ve yelled at 5th grade music classrooms for doing racist dance moves and appropriating Native Americans (I have a degree in Music Education K-12). I’ve consoled kids in classrooms who suddenly have panic attacks. AND I’ve told horny teenagers to stay in their fucking lane and respect the girls around them. I’ve apparently been an inspiration to those around me, but inspiration NOR exposure pays the bills. I’ve already had COVID, and so has my husband, but I knew that after graduating college that I would never have a fulfilling life being a music teacher in Tennessee’s public schools.

And now that we have COVID, and an orange, small-dicked, pedophilic, rape apologizing, dirty, crusty white president who STILL REFUSES TO CONCEDE, who is DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE FOR HAVING HIS FOLLOWERS SEND DEATH THREATS TO MY FAMILY, I really don’t know what the fuck else to do other than go burn down all the houses I know of in North Georgia that belong to these Christian sex cult pedophiles and call it a day. My girlfriend unfortunately was born into one of those families, and I know just how bad it can get. In fact, her dad’s lawyer threatened me with blackmail earlier in November, so that was fun!

And now, on December 11, 2020, I’m still sitting here in the same fucking house, doing the same fucking things I’ve been doing all year - trying to get a job and failing horribly. I’M SICK AND TIRED OF THIS COVID BULLSHIT AND OUR INCOMPOTENT CUNT OF A PRESIDENT! And there’s only ever one other person I’ve ever called a cunt... my own mother.

I’ve lived in many places. I’ve met many different people. I’ve made mistakes, and have grown, but there’s one thing for damn sure that I always make sure to do, every single fucking day.

I ALWAYS try to do better.

In addition to this, I treat everyone with the same amount of respect, unless they have done something directly to me to negate that. If I know that someone believes in something that directly harms me or my family, I don’t even associate with them. I don’t spend my energy on things that don’t need it. And everyone else should, too.

The problem with some of y’all is that you care about the wrong things. Like will Becky text me back or did I get front row seats to that concert, or did I slave my life away to capitalism just so that I can own a Mercedes and have my friends jealous. I’ve had way too many dear death experiences to know that EVERY single fucking day is a gift. EVERY day.

I don’t want to be remembered first for the art I create. I want to be remembered for my character. I want to be remembered as the courageous person who never backed down in the face of adversity. But when you live in a place that already hates you and that is against you, that’s really fucking hard. Trust me. My marriage went from a cis straight passing couple to a white gay passing couple. I’ve seen how people’s attitudes changed around me as I transitioned. I know what it feels like to slowly lose a piece of your privilege you were born with.

So yeah, I kinda get a little fucking upset when I see people saying All Lives Matter, or when I see doctors refusing to treat trans patients in pandemics, or when I see cops YET AGAIN harassing Black people only a few blocks away from my house for no other reason than racism. And at this point, anyone who thinks they know me but only knows what people think they know about me can suck my entire ass and eat ten dicks. I don’t give a FUCK about who you are or what you’ve done. If you treat me or other people with no respect for no reason other than to be an asshole, you’re just plain shit. If you SERIOUSLY believe every little rumor and lie that someone tells about me before meeting me, fuck you AND the horse you rode in on.

What I can’t stand is people doing or saying things just to get a rise out of me or others. I thought we left petty shit in high school. Some of the people that “know” me really need to fucking grow up and grow a pair and either say what they want to my face, or stay mad. I’m tired of playing fucking petty games with y’all. We have a whole ass pandemic to solve.

So here’s the ultimatum... if you agree that Black Lives Matter and that queer people deserve basic human rights, EVEN THE ONES YOU HATE, then that’s the bare minimum to even be a decent person. If you can’t even do those things, then I don’t fucking know what else to say to you.

So NBC, maybe not have John Mulaney joke about my license debacle with my gold van on SNL, and Seth Meyers... maybe HIRE ME INSTEAD of Mulaney because clearly y’all don’t know about the south as much as I do? Oh, and that gazeebo joke with Lee University... I caught that. I may have autism, but I’m not a fucking idiot. I mean. I’m funny when I’m given the chance. And yeah, I’m on a watchlist, but who the fuck isn’t these days? At least all my secrets are out for the world to see, and I have a bangin’ tattoo.

I’m tired of everyone being like “omg, I’ve seen what he can do, it’s fantastic!” or “omg you’re so funny haha” and bragging on me and then NOT FUCKING HIRING ME. I’m TIRED of waiting on something that’s clearly at this point never coming.

I don’t even have testicles, and my balls are bigger than most of the cis men I have EVER met.

So, if you want to help me, or hire me, or get me out to an audition... I’ll be there. But until then, I’m so fucking MAD at some of these producers. Yeah, my mom is a cunt, but she worked in various forms of digital production from the 1980′s until she retired this year. She taught me SO MUCH about directing, writing, shooting, and more. I know how these things are supposed to run behind the scenes. I know what the fuck I’m doing, and I don’t take constructive criticism like a bitch. I actually WANT to be criticized, so I can do even better.

So PLEASE, for the love of Christ... y’all need to get your priorities together AND PLEASE STOP LEAVING ME OUT OF THE LOOP WITH THIS BULLSHIT. Grow a fucking pair and either call me, email me, or leave me alone. It’s really not that fucking hard. Looking at you, Lorne Michaels.

Oh and someone tell my husband what the fuck’s been going on because I’m tired of him gaslighting me about it.

[coridae]

Constant Disconnect

#autism #nerd #life #work

So, I’ve mentioned a few times that I have Aspergers. For those not quite savvy, it’s part of the umbrella that is Austism. Most people think of autistics as the lone kid who hates being touched, doesn’t talk or doesn’t talk much drawing symbols all by themselves. For an Aspie like me however, this is not the case, this gets further muddled by the fact that Aspie boys and Aspie girls are different. Autism tends to be more intense in boys than girls, don’t ask me why. I won’t be able to explain and frankly, its a long thing filled with science and technical terms that I just do not have the patience to try and muddle out. Suffice to say, I understand it, but most won’t bother.

For me, being an Aspie is like watching food go bad and being fascinated. I call it ‘permanent foot in mouth disease’. Basically, the shit that comes out of my mouth is nine steps ahead of what everyone around me can catch onto and it just plain either weirds, irritates or goes over most peoples heads. Compound the fact that I am highly emotionally empathetic, social and generally like to keep the people in my circle as heart-comfy as possible? It’s a recipe for disaster.

I like to call my self the introverted extrovert. I like being in rooms with people, because I like watching and seeing how what ripples where and the cause and effect of x to z, but I also like being alone or with smaller groups of my more cherished circle.

So what does being emotionally empathetic mean exactly? Wells, here is the best things I can use as an example. Take today for instance while I was at work. One of my coworkers snapped and got upset at another, both people are those I adore. The guy who lost his temper normally doesn’t, it was out of character and I wanted to immediately stop scrubbing dishes to go to him and find out what was bothering him. Seeing him upset, troubled me and his familiar attitude, mannerisms and HIM-ness, was just... Off.

Most people would shrug it off and simply wait for later. I on the other hand kept bouncing it around in my head as I did my work, looking up periodically in case I could see him to wave him over. Meanwhile my other work-friend who was snapped at did come to me all upset and I was able to get her side and comfort her without seeming like I was taking her side. Only reason why I laughed at the comment she made was cuz she said balls, bite me I’m susceptible to potty humor. She’s all of five foot two and adorable as only a cute thing can be and it amused the shit out of me. Honestly, I didn’t think of her as someone who would say ‘balls’ cuz, pfff she’s just so HER.

I did find out what happened and why he got upset. LaLa, not her real name cuz nicknames, can be kinda... Self absorbed. She’s like, all of nineteen, so her work ethic versus something she wants or say, her phone, is kinda sketchy sometimes and she can step on toes without meaning to. I get it, but we older folk can get kinda ruffled and she had done something a few times to my other friend that made him feel kind of waspish.

I’d like to tell her she should be more aware of being more considerate to others, but at the same time, my other friend didn’t have a right to lash out even if I understand his position. I still wanna hug them both and soothe the ruffled fur on both ends, but I know I cannot.

The other example I have is, literally any sad moment in shows, movies, sad story, will make my heart hurt. Like, if I see an older patient at my work struggling to walk with a walker, my chest hurts and I wanna cry.

Most people get their hearts jerked, but man I tear up and get weepy. It really bothers me seeing someone upset and hurting. I was up picking up dirties when I noticed two ladies standing and talking, one looked like she was about to cry, I found some tissue for her and offered it, because by the time I got there she was actually crying. I’m that person.

Most people, don’t get me. I pretty much like most of my coworkers, save for two and pretty much adore everyone. If you are an asshole to me, like the two I dislike, well, let’s just say I don’t go out of my way for you. I’ll be polite and give you a polite hello and stuff, but I won’t do favors for them or pay attention to them unless I have to.

My oddities make it hard for me because most people above a certain age just flat out can’t compute and adapt. The group I find myself fitting in well enough with is 19 to 25, which is within the ball park of my mental age range. See, that’s something else about being an Aspie. Inside I am younger than my outside, which also tends to irk older people. I don’t do it intentionally, but they act like I do.

Its not always the case, I have a couple coworkers who have kids or family that aren’t neuro-typical who are a lot more tolerant of me. But I still find it hard to make friends, even now.

I tend to jive with more nerdy folk which makes me happy, I just hope that the new coworker I have befriended doesn’t find me annoying. He and I bonded over tea, he’s working on getting his tea business going and for the first time I might actually find myself in a place where my sensitive nose and tongue will be of benefit.

I don’t think he knows just how much his offer meant to me. I struggle day to day with my environment in the kitchen. A job tasting and growing the things I love would just be... Heaven.

It’s not every day someone actually finds what I have to say, or the way I describe taste, of value. I know that everyone struggles with finding a place they fit, but to me, it’s... I want to be of value. I want to fit, to be useful, to assist and to connect. If I could find that ‘spot’ and well... Fit in it, I’d be so grateful. I go my whole life at odds with most of the people around me. I am constantly aware of how my eccentricities can bother others that I feel badly because it’s nothing I can fix.

I know, I know, I should just be ME, but... I don’t want to be an imposition to others. I try to be considerate, but not to the point where people succeed in taking advantage of me.

So, I just don’t have enough words to describe how I feel. Honestly? I admire him. He’s younger than me, but he is forward thinking and confident which is nice to see. He’s a good leader. I worry about how I come across and find myself wondering at his opinion, not cuz I’d change, but just to hear what details stick in his mind. Eesh, I sound like a kid with a crush or something, good gods. I promise, it’s nothing like that.

I like hearing how others perceive me, just cuz I don’t see myself clearly. Plus, I learn new things about myself which is useful and comforting. I’m aware of my place, whether it be in a hierarchy or just within a social circle. Its something that wiggles and squirms in my mind a lot, among other thoughts, feelings, impressions and so on. Honestly, my mind is always chewing on something. Its exhausting sometimes.

Anyways, enough. I’ll stop now lest I go on for ages lol.

[incognitowetrust]

I am a selfish person. Long incoherent rambling time.

There’s no way to get this out in a well written thing without taking fucking forever. 

But it’s something that bothers me about myself. Actually, I just wrote a thing in a Discord chat, and I’m basically gonna copy-paste the damn thing because I don’t want to rewrite the whole thing. I’ll add a bit more on than the initial thing though. 

I usually don't vent, but I'm just gonna do a small one because I feel like mentioning it to someone. A friend person I made recently is on the spectrum like me and around the same age, and she's nice and all, but I have the same problem with her that I've noticed I have with some other people, and it makes me feel awful and also annoys the fuck outta me. Her drawing style is pretty basic, and I'm happy to see people get excited about their characters but her characters aren't technically interesting, and she messages a lot and recently I did say "hey listen I'm not gonna reply to every message" because I like to be upfront about that shit just so people know... but anyway, it's hard to describe, but she falls into like a specific type of person that I can relate to and still have love for but I find myself wanting to avoid and I can't actually grow off of them. 

Like... it's awful because it reminds me of when I was like ages 13-15 and actually learning social things that other people already knew just because of me lacking friendship experience and only just having made artist friends, and I cringe at my past self but understand it at the same time, and I have to be understanding towards people because I understand what it's like to be there, and I always want to be the person I needed when I was younger. But... I mean... is it selfish to pick and choose who I "like" based on standards like... "experience" and "skills"? I mean, I often haven't been brave enough to interact with "cool" people anyway, but... fuck, I wiiish that I couuuld be liike the coool, kidsss, like the coool kiiiids.

I wonder if some of my feelings relate all the way back to elementary school, I was often paired with this one autistic girl, who I didn't have anything against (though tbh she did have some gross habits and she was hard to talk to at a young age), she and I were always the slowest in PE, always the quiet lonely kids, always the kinda pudgy and awkward girls, and I guess I felt myself pushing away from her not because I didn't like her but because of my strong sense of wanting my own identity and didn't want to always be stuck with her "just 'cuz" she was the only partner who was left over when other kids made partners.

Something that I also wonder is, well, I have an older sibling on the spectrum, but diagnosed early. I was diagnosed at 18. My parents have always tried to be fair as far as making sure we both get the attention we needed, but still, I was pretty much the older sibling because for much of our childhoods my sister and I did everything together, and I was very protective of her. The only reason I have ever punched anyone was because someone stole her glasses and I punched the girl to get them back after trying to politely reason didn’t work. We were so close, but somewhere around puberty I started breaking off from her, I became more and more hungry for my own identity, and our interests and activities grew apart as well. At this point in my life, I don’t really chat with my sister much, or do a ton of sisterly activities with her, and I think I basically avoid her because I don’t want to get mad at her for stupid little pet peevey reasons. I admit, there’s some of me that resents that I’ve had to make sacrifices because of her, I could never hum or sing because of her sound sensitivity, and nowadays sometimes I have to be the one to receive a text to relay a message to my sister because she often either doesn’t notice texts, or doesn’t have her phone on at all. I remember in 2016 in the past, it was around the peak of a shitty time in my life, a school staff member came up and asked how my sister was doing and what she was doing. I was salty and grumpy, and basically said “I don’t know” and “I don’t really care” because I’m not her damn babysitter, and if it’s SO important to ya, lady, you can probably just email her. Though, oh yeah, my sis hadn’t always checked her emails either. 

Look, I’m not gonna act like I don’t have my problematic quirks. I do take out garbage and vacuum, but I avoid problems even if I remember there’s something I’m supposed to do, and I procrastinate. It’s also very easy for me to forget or ignore something unless it’s right under my nose, but I admit, often it’s just me acting out of avoidance. 

Something that I think I’ve developed is... I have a huge want to love and be loved in return, I want to take care of people and feel like I matter to someone, but on the other hand besides my mom and a few adults rocking pulling me through life I’ve kinda picked up on behaviors of “Other people have problems. They gotta be taken care of. I should help. I am lazy and not all that troubled anyway, so I don’t need to share my problems with others.” ... I want to take care of others and be a good listener, but I resent it at the same time. I resent that while I’m out trying to take care of people, I don’t feel like I can be vulnerable and let someone take care of me. Because I also don’t want to let myself be vulnerable and rely on someone enough so that if I made a “friend” and lost them that I’d be legit hurt. 

I’m left with even more weird feelings about myself, remembering and considering things I know about my own family members now that I didn’t know the same about when I was young, like my mom, who I credit as being the most important person in my life, she’s the oldest of 5. She was really another parent. Look, I don’t care how close your family is, or how loving they are, when ya got a big family, the oldest child becomes another parent. And they lived in Saudi Arabia for a while, where at one point the family got in a bad car accident and my gramma was wheelchair bound and immobile, and though my mom lost use of one of her arms for a while she took up the brunt of a lot the taking-care-of-people work. She’s badass, but so many responsible people, as much as suffering builds character, there’s a lot that so many people like this shouldn’t of had to do. My aunt Santos (partner of one of my aunts) was the “tough” child... sure, her parents can praise her for never having to give her help, but it doesn’t matter how “normal” or how “capable” you are, everyone should be able to feel like they can be vulnerable and be taken care of sometimes. Something I’ve come to try and remember a lot is you never know what pain people are actually going through, so while I do want to take care of myself, I always ask my mom when she comes home how her day was. She’s mentioned to me in the past that as a parent there’s the dilemma of “do I show I’m troubled so my child knows I’m human and it’s okay to be upset, or do I hide my troubles for the sake of their comfort?” ... but now that I’m older, I assume this gave a lot more leeway for me to be a listener. She still takes care of me way more than I take care of her, but I do things with her and listen to her in ways that my sister doesn’t necessarily do automatically. 

I guess back to more of the original subject, I’ve actually had a friend for many years now, or at least I’ve certainly known them for many years and we became friendly a little later, she isn’t diagnosed with autism, but she still fits in the category of “nice people who I sometimes want to avoid for some reason”. It’s awful, this person has great respect for me, and we even made a couple OCs together, but I’ve had times sitting here in my chair wondering “how do I respond to this?” or “Should I feel bad I’m not as excited about this one thingy as she is?” and “Aw man I wanna talk to someone. No, not you right now. I’m being a choosing beggar.” like who the fuck do I think I am to not be loving on this person who only holds me in the highest of regards?? 

But here’s the thing I guess. No matter what, there are a few important things in friendships, or really any relationship. Communication, and mutual enjoyment. It doesn’t have to be the choice fault of one or both people that something doesn’t like up, often people just don’t line up. I mean, lots of romantic relationships end not because people hate each other but because two perfectly decent people feel hungry for something else. As long as I treat people with basic human respect, I can’t be too hard on myself can I? There’s so so many people I could choose to have as the few I have regular conversations with at a time, but I tend to fall into routines, and there’s only so much time in the day, so this impacts my social capabilities a lot. I can only talk to people how I want to talk to people on my own time. I wish I could hear everyone’s stories and carry a small piece of them around with me all the time, but it’s tiring as fuck, man. 

I want to be around people who inspire me so badly I am thrown into euphoria, the rare euphoria I only get when I have a friendly interaction with someone I didn’t think would have the time or interest to notice me. I technically have really good reading, writing, and drawing skills, but I need to push myself, I need people to bounce off of so I feel motivated to impress and not be lazy. I’m constantly starved for that stimulation and positive reinforcement. 

I’ll end this here I suppose. 

[julianspancakes]

Kitty Fic Recommendations ➸ 1

So, I read a lot of fics and I wanted to share some (!) of them throughout my time here. The fics listed below can be old or fairly new, so this has no timeline. Neither an order of preference.

Part 2     Part 3

Behind Closed Doors by The Purple Warlock

Summary :  Ty manages to get Kit out of his room and to get to know people better.

Understanding by The Purple Warlock

Summary :  Kit and Ty think they understand themselves and their worlds, but life decides to shake everything up, meaning that they no longer understand what they used to. They need each other to work out where they need each other to ease their confusion. Friendships and relationships follow.

Pressure by writeyourheart100

Summary :  (LOS SPOILERS!) Kit wanders into Ty’s room at night, feeling the need to fulfill an unspoken promise to Livvy.

The Lights of the Los Angeles Institute by mrsjulianblackthorn13

Summary :  It starts out with Kit and Ty training together. Soon they realize their feelings for each other. This is my interpretation of how they would end up together. Events take place after Lady Midnight.

Quiet All Away by DAIrinchan

Summary :  Kit does his best to hide from the Shadowhunters in their own Institute. Ty wants to meet him properly.

Mortal Melody by DAIrinchan

Summary :  Drabble. Kit finds out what Ty’s been listening to.

Vast Formless Things by DAIrinchan

Summary :  AU? Maybe? Drabble. Sometimes all you have is the people you care about.

Attack Bear by DAIrinchan

Summary :  AU. Which is worse, a school shooting or a school bear attack? Warning: Flippant treatment of serious issues.

Pacified Psyche by DAIrinchan

Summary :  The story of Ty and Kit’s first (and second) kiss. Posted for Autism Awareness Month in April.

Chemistry and Physics by teamfreewill82

Summary :  He was suddenly the first person, in that way, that Ty could look at with true interest, wonderment. He’d never, ever experienced anything like it.

Closed Doors by shadowhunter167

Summary :  Kit hasn’t come out if that room since he went in. He’s stubborn, but Ty knows he can wait him out.

See the World by Aaron Quinn

Summary :  He didn’t talk like his family. Hell he didn’t even look people in the eyes. Well, that wasn’t entirely true; he looked into Kit’s eyes. Kit Rook. The one person he felt close to.. It was a sense of familiarity and recognition. It was something he didn’t know how to explain. Nonetheless, he knew one thing for sure and that was that he could see the world in Kit’s eyes.

Sadness and Stims by AAThanatos

Summary :  Spoilers from LOS so if you haven’t read it skip this! Kit does his best to comfort Ty after tragedy strikes.

Grey Eyes by Storytelling Penguin

Summary :  A tale of an unlikely friendship that grew into something more. Kit Rook and Ty Blackthorn.

Just Hold Me by the Beauty of Nightmares

Summary :  (SPOILERS FOR LORD OF SHADOWS) Ty isn’t dealing well with his sister’s death, but maybe Kit knows a way he can help. Sad, kinda fluffy one-shot for Kitty.

The Stars Belong In Your Eyes by Malecislifee

Summary :  Kit and Tiberius. Discovery of new feelings, adventure and romance and drama. All about Kit and Ty but not only that, Kit forms bonds with other characters, including Livvy.

Hurricane Boy by Malecislifee

Summary :  KITxTY Fluff. It’s been a month and Ty is always sitting outside Kit’s door. One day he asks him inside and Ty seems to have found some comfort in this new boy. And Kit is trying to figure out what’s going on in his head, and he can’t help but find the Blackthorn boy very intriguing.

There Are Snowflakes In The Sky by Black Rose White Fire

Summary :  Ty took a deep breath. “Okay. Well. If you don’t want a book, I understand that too. Sometimes I just want to listen to music. I don’t know what kind of music you like, but I was looking for songs that talked about people who stayed in their rooms, and other people who missed them and wanted them to come out.”

Too Much by teamfreewill82

Summary :  Friends noticed these things about one another, sure, but they didn’t agonize over them in detail as the last thought before sleep.

True North by teamfreewill82

Summary :  Traveling is harder to do when you have someone you don’t want to leave behind.

Hurt Hands and Salved Sandwiches by teamfreewill82

Summary :  Kit supposed he could have refused to accept the offer, the way he had when Julian had suggesting healing him in the car. But he didn’t.

Bees, High School and Autism by 0010001

Summary :  Ty is starting a new school and is worried that he isn’t going to make any friends and that he will get bullied. Luckily he has Livvy with him.

Challenge the Default by elliptical

Summary : "I’m not normal,“ Ty told him a month later, as the pair of them tried to catch frogs outside. He said it with the casual air of someone discussing the weather, or pointing out that a shoelace was untied.

Kit blinked. "Obviously,” he said.

Blues and Purples by tsukkisdinos

Summary :  When Ty realises that he and his sister both like the same guy, things get complicated.

Kitty’s First Kiss by ShadowHunterOfArtemis

Summary :  Just three different perspectives on Kit and Ty’s first kiss. Going into a battle is a perfect time for rash decisions, right?

Waltz Of The Flowers by Fandom_girl21

Summary :  A bunch of firsts in Ty’s and Kit’s friendship/relationship.

Confessions ( Beginning Of Something Beautiful ) by darkartificies

Summary :  Throughout the past month, he learned many things about Shadowhunters, but three things stood clear: One was that Mark and Emma were definitely in a relationship. Two was that he was getting pretty good at being a Shadowhunter, though he’d never admit it. And the third was Tiberius Blackthorn.

A World In Grey and Blue by TheRedKing

Summary :  Soulmate AU where you can’t see the color of your soulmate’s eyes until you see them. or, the one where Kit can’t see grey until a pair of stormy eyes allow him to see the shining steel of the knife pressed against his throat.

Feels So Right by StarGirl06

Summary : Tiberius Blackthorn and Kit Rook have each been harboring some feelings for one another, but keeping them to themselves. Eventually, it has to all come bursting out.

“Ty didn’t laugh very often, and Kit had learned over the past few months of being at the Institute that his smiles needed to be cherished. Kit felt his heart warm at the sight of laughter in Ty’s normally stormy eyes.”

you make it easy by thankyouforexisting

Summary : Kit feels lost without the dark-haired shadowhunter beside him (and when had that happened, that he’d gotten used to his steady presence? He hasn’t even been here for a whole day!), but the girl bites her lip, “I was just joking,” she hesitates, and then turns a beaming smile at Kit, “I’m Livvy, Ty’s twin sister.” She goes on pointing around the table, “And those are Tavvy,” the smallest of them all, a quiet boy who seems to be clinging to - “Dru,” -a short girl who’s hugging him, “and that’s Perfect Diego, who’s a Centurion.”

‘Perfect Diego’ sighs, “Please, I beg you all, stop calling me that.”

Livvy laughs, “Right! Anyway, Kit, you’re welcome to sit down wherever you want and have breakfast; you’re one of us, now.”

“I’m not a Shadowhunter,” he grunts, but quietly, “I just want to eat.”

“Don’t we all,” Julian agrees easily.

something brewing between us by thankyouforexisting

Summary : “You know,” an amused voice says, and Ty freezes, slowly looking up to meet irresistible blue eyes, “I make my coffee hot, but you may just be hotter.”

From his left, there’s the sound of Livvy choking and dropping a spoon.

He flushes, gritting his teeth, “What would you like to order?”

“A cup of you, to go, please, no sugar, you’re sweet enough,” Kit smirks, and Livvy’s giggling now, not even trying to hide it, “And I would also appreciate if you stopped stalking my coffee shop. It just isn’t good to keep meeting like that.”

Ty narrows his eyes, “This war isn’t over until I say it’s over, you truant. One coffee, black like your soul, coming up.” // The Blackthorns have a coffee shop. There’s competition in town. Detective Ty is on the case.

How Beautiful by TheRedKing

Summary :  Livvy grinned wide, and Kit was suddenly struck with how the smile of one twin could feel so different from that of the other. Livvy’s was bigger and brighter, but it just didn’t hold that spark that made his chest feel warm, and full of light. - Kit is now living at the Institute, begrudgingly training to become a Shadowhunter. He would have left already, but his father was dead, and he has no other place to go. His only solace was a dark haired boy who understands the troubles of being an outsider. Kit wasn’t even looking friendship with the Shadowhunters, but he thinks he may have found that and more.

not all of them are so bad by Nitonami

Summary : Kit definitely doesn’t want to be at the Institute, and he definitely didn’t want the Shadowhunter that stayed outside his door after everyone else had left…

…At first, anyway.

Always Back To You by Kitty_trash

Summary :  Ty leaned forward, touching Kit’s hand. Kit’s eyes shot up, looking into Ty’s eyes. “Where do you go?” Ty asked under his breath. To you, always to you, Kit thought.

The Lovelace Bonds by benjaminrussell

Summary :  Ty and Kit carry out a theft and watch a movie.

‘This isn’t what it looks like!’ by MidnightMew

Summary :  Just a pointless little kitty drabble.

Rain and Glass by MidnightMew

Summary : ( LOS- SPOILERS ) Those were simpler times. Times when his parents were still alive. Times when he had no idea that Mark and Helen were different from the rest of his siblings in any way apart from the fact they were older. Times when he didn’t know he was different either, when he still dreamed of the scholomance. Times when he still had his sister, when he still had Livvy.

A long awaited conversation by MidnightMew 

Summary :  Ty finally comes out.

A flame in the pitch black night by MidnightMew

Summary :  Just a pointless little kitty drabble.

Snow Angels by keiththepaladin

Summary :  In which Kit and Ty are in London and there is bickering and snowball fighting.

Ty and Kit’s First Kiss by olivemartini

Summary :  Exactly what the title says.

Windows by olivemartini

Summary :  Some people say that eyes are the window to the soul. And for once, Ty has to agree.

Apologies by olivemartini

Summary :  Ty apologizes to Kit for holding a knife to his throat when they first meet.

Kit’s Explorations of the Institues, With the Help of Ty by olivemartini

From the Shadow                                                                              Summary :  Kit’s trying to leave his bedroom for the first time since he’s gotten to the Institute and realizes he has no clue where to go. Thankfully, Ty is there to help him.

Pancake Day                                                                                           Summary :  It’s Pancake Day at the Blackthorns, and Kit doesn’t get the whole “family meal” thing.

The Weapons Room                                                                     Summary :  Kit picks out his weapon.

Training                                                                                                     Summary :  Kit and Ty in the training room. Kit learns how to throw knives.

On the Rooftop                                                                             Summary :  There’s not much left that scares Kit, but seeing Ty standing on the edge of the roof and staring down at the ground below has quickly skipped ahead on his list of terrible things.

Melting Wings                                                                                       Summary :  Icarus got too close to things he wanted most in the world, and it killed him. Ty kind of knows how it felt.

Cuddling                                                                                     Summary :  Ty doesn’t really know what to do, but Kit’s fallen asleep on  his shoulder and no one’s here to watch, so he might as well just stay put.

Hypotheticals                                                                                               Summary :  They sleep in the same room sometimes.    Not together.    Just… near each other. It’s easier that way.

Uncle Arthur                                                                                              Summary : Kit had never met Uncle Arthur, but he had gotten the gist of the situation from Ty’s uneasiness and Julian’s hushed explanations. And yet, despite all the whispered warnings, he still did not expect to come face to face with raving lunatic.-or-The story of how Kit saves Ty from Uncle Arthur.

[queenoftheblackpuddlexoxo]

The Benefits of Group Therapy

So...here’s the first part of my stupid, self-indulgent, self-insert fanfic. It’s not great, but it’s from my point of view and I tried to make it fun, sort of tongue-in-cheek. If you don’t like it? It’s under a readmore for a reason.

The new girl arrived in the middle of June, shaking and smelling like a mixture of sweat, fear, and copious amounts of generic perfume. She sat in a leather office chair, trying not to spin it so far as to knock into the other chairs, not paying attention to anything; though she had been in that same chair, in this same place many other times, this time was far different than before. The others were going to arrive soon, and she was so afraid that her brain felt as if it were shutting down! Would they like her? What would she say? And who were these people, anyway? Before I get any more into this, I guess I should really explain what all is going on. That place was the office of one Dr. Sam Creeke, therapist, brilliant man, and leader of the therapy group that girl had joined only that day. And that girl? Well...she was me. I know, I know, cliche, but I had the description in my head and didn't want to waste a good opening on nothing! Anyway, back to the story. I had recently moved to town with my mom, stepdad, and stepbrother, as well as our five pets, the reason being my parents found a much better job in Fair City than the ones they had previously held in our home state of Indiana. As much as I feared change, it was a little exciting to be able to make a new start somewhere else. With some luck, I'd be able to find a job, someplace to hang out...maybe even somebody to hang out with. As unlikely as that was, it was nice to dream, right? Within a week or so, we'd settled fairly well into the city, and it wasn't long until my mom and I started shopping around for a new therapist for me to start seeing. Enter: Dr. Sam Creeke. Dr. Creeke was a kind man in this early 50's, with silver hair done in a combover and laugh lines etched deep in his face. I'm not too proud to admit, I didn't really want to see him at first. But his easy-going manner and sense of humor quickly won me over, and within a half-hour I was singing like a canary in a coal mine. After a few sessions, he came to me with a question; had I ever been in group therapy before? I told him yes, why? He said that there was an opening a group he'd been seeing for awhile, and he thought I might fit in there. Maybe I could join them? He was sure they'd love me. He had me at "fit in". I...well, I'm not someone who usually fits in anywhere; I'm a contortionist, filling in the gaps, being what I think people want me to be. The idea that there was somewhere with people who were like me was enticing, to say the least. After a few seconds of pretending to think about it (I mean, I didn't want to seem too eager), I agreed. Meetings were on Wednesday, and I could start going next week. Little did I know that these "meetings" were going to change my life for good. Soon enough, the day came and there I sat, drenched in sweat and trying to psyche myself into being less nervous. It wasn't working very well, but what did you expect? If I was any good at psyching myself into doing anything, I wouldn't be in therapy. At 3PM on the dot, a line of people filed into the office, talking amongst themselves amiably. They all looked so comfortable with each other...it was hard to imagine myself ever doing that, especially with these guys. When I first saw the people Dr. Creeke said I'd "fit in" with, I was shocked, then scared...and then a little insulted. One guy had a sandwich for a head, like a literal sandwich! The next person was an insanely tall man dressed like an old-timey butcher, with 5 o'clock shadow and a Brooklyn accent. Then was a lady dressed like she had just come back from a science fiction convention, her blonde ponytail sitting on top of her head like a crown. And then...well, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. The last person in front of Dr. Creeke was some albino guy with a tiny brain stuck to his head. Everyone found a chair and sat down, with the albino on my left and Sandwich Guy on my right, and of course, Dr. Creeke across from me, smiling encouragingly with his hand clasped together. When he pulled them apart and clapped to quiet the chatter, I jumped a little bit, a small scream sticking in my throat. Everyone turned to look at me, and that's when he began. "As you all may have noticed, we have a new member in our group today. I'd like you to welcome Kaylee." I was met with a chorus of "hi Kaylee's", and "hey's", and a "how ya doin'?" thrown in for good measure. Once that stopped, he continued, "Since she's new here, I thought maybe we could all introduce ourselves in lieu of a check-in today." There was a murmur of agreement. "Alright then. Dr. Two-Brains, would you care to go first? We can go counter-clockwise, and that way our new member can go last after she's properly acquainted with you all." "Oh, uh...okay." Albino guy scratched the back of his head. Two-Brains? That was his name? "I'm Dr. Two-Brains, and I'm here by court order as part of their "villain rehabilitation program". My hobbies are cheese, science, villainy, and any activity that combines all three." After him was the dude dressed like a butcher. "Hi. My name is the Butcher. But people call me "The Butcher." Obvious naming seemed to be a recurring theme here. "I'm also here by court order, for that bad guy rehabulation thingy. They said I needed to work on my "anger issues". He spoke using air quotes. "I don't have anger issues, okay?!" I flinched a little bit after that. Next up was the sci-fi woman. She cleared her throat before speaking in a bubbly voice that seemed ill-suited for what I could only assume was another villain. "I, am Lady Redundant Woman! I've been seeing  a therapist, shrink, and psychologist for oh, three years now? I was going through something a few years ago, a bad time, a real rough patch. And you know, it really helped me out!" Apparently not enough to stop her from becoming a supervillain, though. Finally, Sandwich Guy was up. He said, very quickly and quietly, "I'm Chuck, a-and I'm only here because my mom says I have to!" It was my turn now. All eyes were on me as I sat there, stock-still, still clinging to some primordial belief that if I didn't move a muscle, they wouldn't be able to see me. But alas, that didn't work. These were people, not a herd of tyrannosaurus, and they could see me whether I moved or not. "Uh..." My voice creaked, and faltered. I had no idea what to do! What should I say? And so, I blurted out the first thing that came to mind. "I-I'm Dorothy, the small and meek!" "...I thought your name was Kaylee?" I let out a soft squeak. "It...is. I-It was a joke, you know, Wizard of Oz? But, um...I'm Kaylee, and I...I'm here for a lot of reasons, really," I laughed out that last part, but it probably sounded more like a croak. "My life's been kinda, messed up I guess? I mean, it's a long story, see, I'm on the autism spectrum, and I've got ADHD, anxiety, depression, type 1 diabetes. A lot of it is probably from my childhood, 'cause my biological dad and mom split up when I was a baby, and my mom married this guy when I was two, who was a real jerk, a-and he was hard to live with, then when I was eight my bio dad died, never really got over that. Then when I was twelve, my mom divorced my stepdad, and when I was fourteen she remarried my other stepdad, who was nice, but then I got picked on a lot in school, and then when I was 18 my grandfather died and that was really bad, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Then when I was 20 my mom divorced my other stepdad, so I moved in with her and her boyfriend and his son, and then we moved...here." I had been rambling again, the way I always did when I was terrified. I was sweating, shaking like a leaf, and tapping my fingers against the hard part of the chair-my go-to anxiety stim. Even after a long, uncomfortable silence, all eyes remained on me. At least, they did until the Two-Brain guy reached over me to hand Chuck a five-dollar bill. "I was wrong, Chuck. There really is someone on this planet more messed up than you." If I could have, I probably would have fainted. But instead, I sat, motionless once again, praying it would all be over soon.

[justjoeyyy-blog-blog]

Day 38-46

6-22-17 Day 38: the wedding got approved so I'll be leaving July 27! Only 1 week after rain which is nice. 6-23-17 Day 39: I have been super busy recently. I've been trying to get off the boat when I can and if I don't then I'm sleeping. Our supervisor leaves in 6 days 🙌🏾 sometimes she's actually okay and I feel bad for talking badly but then again she's terrible. I'm so sick of her ending every single sentence with "heh?" Rain and I say it all the time now as a joke because it's so ridiculous how much she does it. Last night new kids came on. We only had 2 girls come in for registration...so I was stuck with boys the entire night. I think 2 of them are gay though and they're both fun to talk to. I like having girls in the club though that I can talk to and stuff. We have a boy with autism in my club this cruise. He's high functioning but does many awkward things like sing out loud in full blast and his body movements. He was also getting upset at the wii and the wii remote so he started hitting it. He has a brother in there but he doesn't always see him getting mad. These people in the crew mess put gloves on and eat their food it's so weird. They like squish it all together and shove it in their mouths it's absolutely disgusting. I've never seen anything like it. Today me Rain and Britny went out in Ensenada to the shops. I bought tons of souvenirs. The people working there a re so annoying. If you don't bug me then I would love to go in your store. They just nag at you and cat call. Rain got some piercings too which was kinda sketchy but it's all good. Had to go to work for 2 hours and not a single kid showed up so I went to my room shhhhh. It's elegant night so I have to look nice. I'll be seeing the new cast perform divas as well which I'm excited for. Hopefully it's better than the rock show. 6-24-17 Day 40: the diva show last night was actually really good. Some of it even sounded better than the last cast. But still doesn't compare. Woke up this morning to the worst Charlie horse I've ever had. I was screaming so loud I'm surprised no one heard me. I wore wedges last night so maybe that's why I got it but that never happens to me. I barely have any kids this cruise. Finally we had a girl join us yesterday and another one today. So 2 girls and tons of boys. The boys are so funny though and always bring me stuff. One of them is really into himself though and the money he has. He gave me a fidget spinner though so that was nice! I asked him if I could have it though lol. He has like 10...and he also has numerous pairs of Yeezys (shoes) that are hundreds of dollars and some are even thousands. We have our new supervisor coming tomorrow. And then Carolina will leave after the next 4 day cruise I believe. I'm excited to meet the new supervisor and see how she changes things and how the vibe of work is. 6-25-17 Day 41: this week I'm in camp ocean. I asked my supervisor to schedule me earlier in the day because there's tons of trainings I have to do for Circle c and the training center isn't open when I'm off work. I just tried to go and do my training and the videos will not load. The lady said you have to give it time and patience and I did try but the stupid thing doesn't work. She said the internet sometimes works and sometimes doesn't and I just have to test my luck. But I got mad and left. And she's not a nice person either and I didn't feel like dealing with her. I got off at 7pm tonight which was amazing. I haven't had a single day where I could just relax and not have to set an alarm for the next thing I have to do. The new supervisor came today and it's her bday. I think we might all go to crew bar for it tonight. I had to do embarkation this morning and hand out flyers. These people are so stupid. The questions they ask are mind boggling. And the rudeness is taken to a whole new level. Workers have actually been getting better with the rudeness. Crew still sucks but certain staff members are very sweet and polite. 6-28-17 Day 44: I've been super busy and haven't had much time to write in here. There's been a lot going on and not that much sleep. I met a boy a little over a week ago and we've hung out everyday since. He says I'm his gf but not really sure what his definition of gf is. He's from Ukraine and speaks Russian. He's a very nice guy, it just makes me nervous getting to know someone and having to possibly say goodbye and never see each other again. But for now I'm having fun and we'll see. He tells me a lot about Ukraine. There's war going on there. He was in the army before he got this job. He said Ukraine is very expensive. He said a police officer makes $1000 a year and a teacher makes $100 a month. So technically he's considered rich because of all of the money he is making here in America. He thinks America is very cheap. He's taught me a little Russian but it's not going so well lol. His English has definitely improved since we met though. We use a translator if he doesn't understand. I've never noticed how much we use slang until I met him. I have to really think about what I'm saying before I say it. I got off at 7 tonight which was really nice. Some of these kids we have are so bad it's mind boggling. We had one kid going around hitting people, throwing stuff at them, and snatching toys from everyone. His dad did not care one bit. It's hard for me to comprehend how these children act so terrible and their parents don't do a damn thing about it. We've had lots of drama this cruise. One family in particular have filed over 10 complaints to carnival. Ranging from the music played in the night club, to someone making fun of her handwriting, and even that her daughter is being bullied. A lot of extra drama that causes many issues at camp because there's always someone to blame. I've been thinking a lot about what I wanna do with my next contract. If I do circle c I'll be on my own. I'll plan my own activities, play my own music, and be around teens that I can talk with. But I have the same schedule every week and get off at 1 every night. If I did camp I'd have a different schedule every week and I'd be working with other people. But that means changing diapers and having to deal with annoying screaming children. Getting off early is really great though and makes me feel like I actually have a life. I have a lot to think about. 6-29-17 Day 45: 28 days left. I jinxed myself by talking about my bf. Last night he came in my room to tell me they were sending him home early. As in today. I was a hysterical mess all night it was so sad. He assured me everything will be fine. But it's hard to believe when he's across the world and we can only communicate through an app. He said he wants to FaceTime and keep talking. He said I should ask my supervisor to send me to his next boat which he goes on august 29. He also said he would look into getting a travel visa to America and vise versa. I'm so heart broken. I haven't felt like this in so long. Everyone would say the way he treated me and the way he looked at me they could just tell how much he liked me. Always calling and wanting to see me. We would stay up and just talk for hours (well try to through the language barrier). It feels so weird being in my room alone without him. I don't know when he'll be able to talk next. He left cali today at 6. His flight is 10 hours to Europe and then a few to Ukraine. There's also a time change and he didn't sleep last night so I know that'll take a toll too. When he gets wifi he said he would add me on viber so we can talk but I just don't know when that will be. I'm honestly ready to come home now. He made this so much fun for me and made me so happy. I'm gonna have anxiety until we finally talk. And even then I'll still be freaking out. Wifi on the boat is terrible. It just makes me nervous. Now I have even more to think about when it comes to my next contract. Relationships on these boats are real, it just depends how much you actually want it to work or not. I haven't been able to think much of anything else. He kept telling me not to worry and be happy but it's hard. I'm happy he gets to go home to his family and dog though. 6-30-17 Day 46: Today was a better day than yesterday. Still waiting for him to message me on viber but I know it'll take some time. Work was good today. Had some trainings and got off at 6 which is so nice. I really think I'll do camp next contract rather than circle c. But we'll see on what options I have.