#background belmerttons

[violetwolfraven]

41 for javid would work so perfectly ahfkfjxhsga and/or 34, whichever one u want 🥺🥺🥺

I was scared to come out and ask you out because I didn’t know our entire friend group was gay but I definitely know now???

and

We broke up but I found the letters you wrote me before that and I still love you so wanna get back together? (did I copy this from one specific fic I read? Possibly.)

Ok! Buckle in your seatbelts, y’all! This is gonna be a MASSIVELY LONG THING! Also @61-flaming-sour-cherry-scones I love your url. Just getting that out there. Modern AU, btw. Also does this end in December, 2019, conveniently avoiding COVID? Possibly! :)

...

Jack didn’t mean to find that box, but in his defense, it was not hidden well. Just in the back of his closet, which he hadn’t cleaned out since... damn. Since the breakup.

And Jack was fine with said breakup, by the way. Him and Davey weren’t right together anymore.

And Jack didn’t smile less, or work himself harder as a distraction, or whatever bullshit his brothers, mom, and all his friends said.

If Davey never texted first anymore, or barely even talked when friends asked him to hang out or whatever, that was none of Jack’s business.

Jack had texted Davey exactly once since the breakup, because Elmer had told him that he had an anxiety attack in a bar, which he was only there in the first place because he was designated driver.

Davey had said he was fine, and that meant he was, right?

Davey had not mentioned anything about leaving a shoebox in Jack’s closet. As a matter of fact, he hadn’t mentioned it, ever.

Did it sting that Jack’s ex had kept a secret box of... something? from him? Maybe. Whatever the case, Jack was curious by nature, and he was definitely opening the box.

It was... letters? Sealed letters in envelopes, the earliest one on the very top, in one corner of the box. The only thing written on it was a date; September 7th, 2011.

That would be... 8th grade? Probably the first day of school? Jack was super confused. Still, he opened the letter.

Dear Jack Kelly,

I know this is terrible and corny and I’m probably going to shred this letter with the pocket knife Sarah got for our last birthday, but I had to write it down somewhere.

I think I’m gay. Specifically, gay for you. And I know that’s weird, I can’t stop thinking about you. You’re like the living personification of the moon. (Not the sun. I’ve never understood why people compare their crush to the sun. Nobody likes looking directly at that.) You saw me sitting alone before school and you took me in. I mean it. You brought me over to your friend group and said I was a new kid who was going to be your friend now, and the whole group just adopted me without questioning it. All of you are so nice. At first I thought it was a trick, but then I saw you comforting Blink when he had a panic attack. (Also, I’m still getting used to the nickname thing. That’s still weird and I’m not sure how I feel about the one you gave me.) You were so gentle with him, Jack. You knew exactly how to calm him down and you were so patient with him while you helped Mush drive the fear away. I didn’t think boys our age knew how to be like that. I do now, because of you. Well, and because of Race being, well, Race. I don’t think anyone could mistake him for a bully. Or Crutchie. Or Romeo. Heck, most of your group is just so nice I can barely believe it. I think I’ll bring Saz to meet you tomorrow. She already made a friend, but she said that this girl, Katherine, said she already knows you. Maybe we can all be friends.

I really wish we could be more, but I know that would never work. I can’t tell anyone I’m gay. You’d think I’m a freak. But since you’ll never read this, I can admit it here: I have a massive crush on you, Jack Kelly.

Sincerely, David Davey

Jack was not going to let himself cry about a letter written in 8th fucking grade. He was, however, very confused about why it was in his closet.

A letter from before Davey was out of the closet found in the closet. If Jack wasn’t so goddamn depressed, he would appreciate the irony.

The next letter was dated: September 24th, 2011.

Dear Jack,

We’re all friends now. Gotta say, I already can’t imagine my life without you and the other guys. And maybe I didn’t meet Kath that first day, but she’s probably my best friend, besides you, of course. She’s the only other one with brain cells, besides maybe Specs. Us three had to talk you and the others out of riding a shopping cart Albert stole from Walmart down a hill yesterday. Honestly, would it kill you to be a little smarter? I know for a fact you can be, Jack Kelly. You and the others actually have a fair amount of brain cells each when apart. It’s only when the only group gets together that you all do stupid stuff.

I didn’t shred the first letter. I think maybe I’ll keep these and we can look back someday and laugh about me having a crush on you in middle school. Don’t worry. I’ll find a way to get over it before it ruins our friendship.

I honestly don’t see how I’d survive losing you, Jack. So, please, do me a favor and keep being oblivious to how I really feel about you until I digest those butterflies you give me.

Sincerely, Davey

Damn. Reading that was like a punch to the chest and Jack had to take a deep breath before moving on to the next letter.

The next few were just mundane stuff. Little notes on how Jack laughed or interacted with certain friends or whatever. The way he painted each friend something little for the holidays and how they all had a picnic potluck for Thanksgiving.

Then he got to one that was different: January 22nd, 2012. It was written in a panicked, hurried script.

Oh, damn. Jack remembered what this was about. What happened January of 8th grade.

Dear Jack,

Something’s wrong. You’re on my couch right now, crying. I don’t know what’s going on, but you’re trying to put on a brave face for Les and failing miserably. Medda didn’t have time to say much when she dropped you, Crutchie, Race, and Romeo off, so all I really know is that Blink is in the hospital and she’s gonna pick up Mush before going to see him. Crutchie is trying to comfort you, by the way, but he’s crying nearly as much as you are. Race and Ro are in shock, I think. They haven’t said much. Sarah’s making them hot cocoa. I’m in my room, writing this really quick because I don’t know what I can do. You’re so good at comforting people, but I don’t know how. I wish I knew how you did it. I think I’ll go try one of the things I’ve seen you do with panic attacks. It’s got to be better than nothing.

The rest was calmer, clearly written later.

It turns out Blink is in the hospital because his dad put him there. And he wouldn’t be alive at all if he didn’t call Mush in a panic right when he heard him get home. Mush called the cops and they barely got there in time. Blink was already half-dead when they did, but they managed to keep him alive long enough to get an ambulance. God, I don’t want to think about what would’ve happened if they’d been just a little bit slower.

Medda called you a couple hours ago to let us all know that Blink is in bad shape, but he’s gonna be okay. She’s gonna try to file for custody of him, but Mush’s mom is gonna try, too, just to give him twice as much chance of staying with us. His dad is in jail, but you and me agree that he deserves to die for what he did. In the selfie Blink made Mush send the group chat, there was more bandage visible on his face than skin. It made me so damn angry, but I didn’t show it because you were so angry you almost punched a hole in my wall.

I’ve made a decision, Jack. I can’t be separate from the group anymore. I always hang with Kath off to the side where we can intervene as the voices of reason if needed, but I’m not going to do that anymore, because I. can. not. do this again. I want our friends to trust me like they trust you so maybe if one of them is in a house with a dad that would beat them within an inch of their life, they’ll tell me and I can get them out.

I guess that means I’ll have to get better at lying. I’ve been staying separate mostly to hide my crush. And I think I’m pretty good at that, but being right at the center of things, with you? I’ll have to be careful to make sure no one notices. Especially not you. I hope I can pull it off.

You definitely aren’t making it easy on me, are you? You’re passed out in my bed, for heaven’s sake. But it’s fine. This is fine. I’m fine.

Sincerely, Davey

Jack remembered that night as one of the worst of his life. He’d thought Blink was dead by how Mush sounded when he called. And even though it turned out he wasn’t, he was going to be okay even if he lost an eye, after Jack’s childhood, he’d always hated when he couldn’t protect the people he loved.

Davey had been the one to reach him in that bad place he fell back to, the one where people he loved, kids he considered his little brothers, were getting hurt. Davey had pulled him out of there, and though it would take Jack months to realize it, that was the day he started to fall in love with him.

The next Monday, though, Jack had tried to give him space. Knowing how intimidating it all had to seem, he wasn’t sure if Davey would bail on them.

But he didn’t. Jack had never stopped appreciating how Davey had seen the darkness under the innocent, normal friendship and stayed anyway.

The next few letters were mostly a lot of pining on Davey’s side as he struggled to integrate himself more deeply into the group.

Jack still remembered that shift, how once Davey earned the others’ trust, Jack had gone from being the only one everyone was relying on to half of a pair that a lot of their friends had jokingly called ‘mom and dad.’

It was kind of sad, knowing that for most of them, Jack and Davey gave them more love and attention than their actual parents did, but the two of them would have to do—and they had. For a long time, the two of them were an unstoppable duo of hugs and snacks and homework help.

The letter from June 15th, 2012, had weird spots on it, almost like... almost like tear-marks. It was shorter than the previous ones.

Dear Jack,

Saz just came bouncing into my room to announce that she’s going with you to the Eighth Grade Dance.

I don’t know why I’m sad about it. I knew you and me would never be a thing.

But it still hurts, Jackie. It hurts so much.

I’m going with the rest of the group, just as friends. No one has dates except you, and I think maybe Romeo.

Jack knew for a fact that Blink and Mush had gone together because he remembered accidentally walking in on their first kiss, but apparently, Davey hadn’t known that.

Les is knocking on my door, so I’m gonna have to drop my math textbook on the floor really loudly so I can tell him I’m crying because I fell.

Sincerely, Davey

There wasn’t another letter until 4 months later, Octobe 16th, 2012.

Dear Jack,

So. Something weird just happened. Saz just came into my room and said she’s not going with you to Homecoming because you’re going with Kath. I tried to comfort her, but she didn’t seem sad about it?

She asked me if I wanted to go with anyone and seemed surprised I said I didn’t. (Not like I’m telling her a part of me wishes I could go with you.) Then she mentioned that Blink and Mush are going together, and I don’t see why she cares because if you don’t have a date why not go with a friend, right? Why do girls have to be so confusing?

Sincerely, Davey

Oh. Oh, God.

By the beginning of freshman year, Blink and Mush hadn’t been the only gay couple in their friend group.

Albert and Finch had gotten together over the summer, and so had Smalls and Sniper.

Romeo and Specs were in the ‘flirting terribly’ phase, and though Jack didn’t know it at the time, Race was already sneaking around with Spot by that point.

Ike had asked Hotshot to that Homecoming, though they wouldn’t officially become boyfriends until almost a year later, Buttons and Elmer became official at that dance, and Jojo and Mike had that falling out because of misread signals towards the end of it.

Hell, Jack only went to that dance with Kath because she couldn’t let her parents know she was actually going with Saz.

Homecoming freshman year was... eventful, to say the least.

And Davey had known exactly none of this. That... explained a lot.

Being only freshmen, none of the couples were exactly casual in their relationships. They didn’t kiss in front of people, and a few were too embarrassed to so much as sit next to each other at lunch. With the ones who weren’t embarrassed, it still honestly wasn’t much more than the affection they all already showed among friends.

God, if Jack had known how scared Davey was to come out, as he said in the next few letters, he would have... what? Told him he loved him right then and there? Probably not, but he would have done something differently.

The next really significant letter was dated December 11th 12th, 2012.

Dear Jack,

I have no idea what to think.

I’m in the bathroom right now, and it’s just after midnight on 12/12/12. You and your brothers threw a party in case the world ended with the whole friend group. It was kind of like a New Year’s party, but with a lot more cynical talk about the coming apocalypse and bet placing on what said apocalypse would be. Towards the end, we all got caught up in the drama and sleep-deprivation and started giving speeches about how much we loved each other. It was cringy, but in a good way? I’m sure we’ll laugh about it someday.

Or maybe we won’t. Because I have no idea what to think anymore.

Oh, shit. This was the part Jack was kind of dreading reading.

I’ve been terrified to come out because I thought I’d get kicked out of the group if you guys knew I was gay.

Which was why it was such a shock when the countdown to midnight ended and half my friends kissed friends of the same gender.

Jack remembered yelling at them to break it up. He’d been so busy being exasperated with his kids that he hadn’t even noticed Davey had slipped away until Crutchie pointed it out.

It was quick, so I don’t think I could name all the pairs if I tried, but I definitely saw Sarah kiss Kath, which, honestly, explains a lot.

I can’t help but wonder... Why didn’t anyone tell me? How long has this been going on? Has it been since the beginning and I was just too oblivious to see it?

Oh my God. Now that I’m looking for it, I can’t stop seeing it. The way Blink is defensive and angry all the time and he’s soft for Mush. The way Sarah hates spending time on her hair and she’ll sit for hours letting Kath try out styles on her. The way Buttons and Elmer just do little things for each other every day. None of them are subtle and I am an idiot.

Jack had to laugh at that.

Does this mean I should come out, too? I know now no one would judge me for it, but... I don’t want to mess things up. I love our friends, and I don’t want to lose them. If I lost them, now, it would be because I like you, specifically. Would you be disgusted with me if I told you?

“No,” Jack whispered, before remembering that this was 14-year-old Davey, and he wasn’t here.

I like to think you wouldn’t be, but I can’t risk it. If I lose you, I lose all of them. And if I have doubts about if I could live through losing you, I definitely can’t survive losing everyone. I love them all so much. I love you.

Jack sucked in a breath. As far as he knew, this was the first time Davey had ever said anywhere that he loved Jack.

But I can’t tell you that. So if I come out, it definitely won’t be by saying who I like.

Love, Davey

Jack totally wasn’t crying as he reached for the next letter. It was just current events, random stuff. There were certainly a lot of letters, weren’t there? Davey had documented everything, from Jack attempting to teach him to draw, to the time they both auditioned for the school play, to that time they had to talk Jojo off a ledge when he realized he loved Mike. That one was short but bad. (Honestly, Jack still hated Jojo’s super religious parents for that. Fuck Jojo’s parents.)

Davey did come out in a letter from almost six months later, but it wasn’t until Homecoming sophomore year that things started getting really interesting.

Dear Jack,

I honestly might never talk to you again outside these letters. Sarah’s banging on my door telling me to, and I’m quoting her here, “open the fuck up, David Jacobs.” Mom’s yelling back at her to watch her language. They’re now having a screamed bitching match in the hallway.

Long story short, we were at Homecoming and you asked me to dance. My brain kind of short-circuited, but I said yes right as a slow song came on. Shockingly, you didn’t seem to mind, and you danced with me to Photograph by Ed Sheeran.

Oh, God, Jack remembered that song. It had been their song. He still couldn’t listen to it anymore.

You were singing along to it and smiling at me. It was really sweet, and it was kind of my dream, to be honest, and I guess I lost all control of my body for a second because I kissed you during the last chorus and I didn’t stop kissing you until the end of the song.

Jack remembered that like it was yesterday, because it was their first kiss. It was a million perfect colors exploding across Jack’s brain and feelings he could barely identify swirling into a moment more beautiful than any painting he could ever create.

Then a faster song came on and I don’t know if anyone saw, but I really hope they didn’t because if they did that means they saw what happened next. Which is: I ran away. I ran all the way to my car and drove home and locked myself in my room. Sarah came home not 5 minutes later, so I think she knows, but it doesn’t matter. I don’t know how I can face you after this. In hindsight I think you were kissing me back, and if you were that means I just ran out on you and it probably hurt when I did. If not, that’s even worse because I kissed you and you probably just didn’t pull away out of pity.

Holy shit, I think you’re here, now. I can hear you outside my door with Saz, and maybe Kath, too. She’s trying to calm her down, which, honestly, good luck, Kath. Wait. No. Shit. I guess being her girlfriend has its benefits. It’s just you, now. You’re talking really softly, but I can’t understand you through the door. This is why we enunciate, Jackie.

Jack rolled his eyes on reflex.

I’m still pretty scared, but I think I’m gonna open the door. Scratch that, I’m definitely gonna open it. If you yell at me, I’ll probably yell right back. Funny, isn’t it? How I never would have done that before meeting you? If we have a huge fight, remember that you’re the one who taught me not to censor myself. David never would have even opened that door, but Davey is your monster. Good luck. I’ve out-argued you before, Jackie, so you’ll need it.

I should stop stalling and open the damn door.

If you break my heart, Jack Kelly, I’m going to kill you.

Love, Davey

Reading that last sentance, Jack froze.

If you break my heart, Jack Kelly, I’m going to kill you.

Time was a bitch, because by all accounts, they were both broken-hearted, now.

Jack wiped away his tears and realized there was a little bit more writing.

P.S. I guess you get to live, Jackie, because we had a talk and you kissed me again and now we’re together. Like, boyfriends. I can’t stop smiling. It’s stupid. I’m probably not going to sleep tonight and it’s all your fault because my stomach is full of butterflies and I can’t stop thinking about how much I love you.

Jack didn’t let himself process that, going for the next letter instead.

Oh, shit. November 1st, 2013. This was going to be a bad one. Still, Jack took a deep breath and started reading.

Dear Jack,

Well, today was emotionally draining. (Halloween was fun, but what came after definitely is not.) It’s already past midnight, but it’s okay because I’m sleeping over at your house tonight. After Saz and I explained the situation, Mom and Dad agreed we should. God, said situation it makes me so angry.

Katherine’s parents kicked her out. They found out about her and Sarah, made her pack a bag, and tossed her away like she was nothing.

She’s 16. She’s a goddamn child like the rest of us. How could they do that to her? I guess it’s good she’s out of that environment, where she has to hide who she is and walk on eggshells with every conversation, but she’s on your couch right now, crying so hard she can’t even drink the tea Medda made her. Sarah and you are trying to calm her down, but I hate seeing her like this. Kath always seems kind of unshakable, like nothing anyone says will get to her. I’ve never seen her this broken. Judging by the look you’re giving me from across the room, you haven’t, either.

You think I’m making a grocery list. Medda told me to, seeing as how she’s busy helping clean out your guest room, Saz is on ‘shoulder to cry on’ duty, and I’m the only boy who lives with a girl. Kath didn’t get to pack much more than a couple of outfits and her toothbrush.

You know what? Fuck it. You and me are her parents, now. You’re good with that, right? We’re already stand-in Mom and Dad for several of our friends—what’s one more? Ha ha, you and me have so much practice already that we are going to be great parents for real one day.

Jack sucked in a breath. Real parents? As in, the two of them staying together long enough to have kids?

Wow. That is wildly inappropriate to think about when we’re literally a couple of 15-year-olds. Also, it makes me think about how Kath is technically a few months older, but whatever. I guess I should actually make that grocery list, now, and stop daydreaming about a hypothetical future while one of our kids now is sobbing across the room from me.

Love, Davey

Davey had never even told Jack he wanted kids.

Sure, they were both a little young for that, but in the future..? Jack had always been scared that he wouldn’t be a good dad, after never having a good dad, himself, but sophomore year Davey was right. He had gotten a fair amount of practice with his friends.

That night, when Kath showed up at the Larkin house, crying so hysterically the makeup from her Halloween costume was running and saying she didn’t know where else to go, Davey was the first person Jack called. Him and Sarah had shown up not fifteen minutes later, probably having been lucky not to pick up a speeding ticket (or you know, gotten arrested for underage driving without an adult) on the way.

15-year-old Davey was right. That night was the most broken Jack had ever seen Katherine. Even if it had worked out okay in the end, with Kath staying with them and being their new sister in every way but on paper, Jack still kind of wanted to throat-punch her parents.

It was... oddly comforting, to know that Davey felt the same. He hadn’t shown it back then, knowing Kath needed him calm, but... to be honest, Jack would have feared an angry Davey Jacobs more than an angry Jack Kelly. You’d get punched by an angry Jack, but an angry Davey? He was smart enough to burn down your world. Jack smirked, thinking about how lucky the Pulitzers were that Davey possessed impulse control.

Most of the rest of the letters were just Davey talking about their relationship as it evolved or recounting whatever drama happened to be going on, (with one in the middle of junior year that was basically just ‘wtf Race is secretly dating Spot Conlon???’) because as the only group of out gays in the school, a few of whom happened to be in not-so-good homes, there was always drama.

Then came the stress of senior year, SATs, and college applications. Davey and Jack had a few fights, which were all well documented here. 17-year-old Jack and Davey hadn’t known that those fights were the beginning of the end.

The letter dated June 5th, 2016 was the one that finally made Jack cry for real .

Dear Jack,

We’re fighting again. We have before, but this time, it’s actually serious.

I get that you’re going to school in Santa Fe and I’m staying in New York. What—did you expect me to follow you all the way across the country? I’m not asking you to stay, because that wouldn’t be fair of me. You’ve got dreams and a scholarship to an art school and that is great. I’m happy for you. But I’m not going with you, because why would I? I’ve got dreams, too. Did you think I would put my life on hold for you?

We can’t stay kids forever, Jackie. Growing up means things change. I thought you knew that. Our friends are spreading out across the country and most of the couples aren’t going to be in the same state. Hell, Specs is going to Harvard in Massachusetts and Romeo is moving to Hollywood to go try his luck and they’re not having problems. If your own brother can do the long-distance thing, why can’t you?

I’m scared, too. I don’t want to lose you, either. I know doing a long-distance thing won’t be easy, but when was the last time either of us gave up just because it was hard? Jackie, if I wanted something easy, I would have bailed after we almost lost Blink. My love for you aside, I didn’t because that’s. not. me. I fight for what I love. And I know you do, too, so... so fight for me. I need to know you love me enough to fight for me, Jackie.

I know you. When you want something—really want it, there is not a force in this world that can stop you from fighting for it. I love you, Jack Kelly. I’m not going to stop fighting for you, so please don’t stop fighting for me.

Love, Davey

Jack choked on a sob. He’d failed. Davey had asked him to fight for him and he failed.

Sure, he hadn’t known that Davey wanted him to fight for him, but... God, if he had...

Jack would have fought, would have walked through hell, would have done anything to keep Davey by his side.

He still loved Davey, no matter what he’d been telling himself since the breakup, and... And he needed to read the rest of these letters. Even if Davey started hating him when the fighting got really bad or wrote about what he was feeling during it.

Shit. There weren’t that many more. The remaining letters were spread out somewhere between high school graduation and when Jack and Davey broke up; a year and a half ago, and... and those would probably be the hardest ones to read

Jack waited a bit until the tears had stopped before opening the one from November 20th, 2016.

Dear Jack,

I haven’t wrote one of these in a while. College has been a bitch, but also...

You and me barely talk anymore. We text each other memes about once a week, (don’t worry. you still know exactly how to make me laugh with those dumb little shitposts.) but we don’t really talk. I can’t remember the last time we FaceTimed. I miss you, but I don’t know how to say it anymore.

I’m thinking about this because it’s Thanksgiving break. Of course, it’s good to see everyone. Kath got home this morning. I didn’t realize how much I’d missed her. Elmer texted me a couple minutes ago that he’s an hour away. Of course that dumbass is driving all the way from Michigan. I’m sure we’ll both have more than enough words for him when you get back because you’re flying in tonight.

I don’t know how I feel about that. I should be excited, but... I don’t think I’ve been this nervous about anything involving you since I ran away after our first kiss. I think I preferred it last year, when we were fighting, because even when we were pissed at each other, at least we were communicating.

You remember when we were kids and you always knew exactly what to say exactly when someone needed to hear it? How you helped calm down Kath when she got kicked out, talked Jojo off a roof, and convinced Spot to tell Race he loved him? It was amazing. I never quite mastered that. I usually know what to do, just never how to voice it. But this time, I don’t even know what to do. We’re not on the same page anymore. I don’t think we’re even in the same book.

Jack took a shaky breath. He and Davey hadn’t been on the same page. And Jack definitely hadn’t known what to say to him, either. They weren’t the unstoppable duo they’d been in high school.

But... damn. Those things Davey had mentioned him doing? He couldn’t have done those alone. For all of those, he had needed Davey there, helping him. Maybe that was why it was so hard, being there for anyone since the breakup.

I hate how five years of being an unstoppable duo can be undone in only four months, and it wasn’t even by fighting. If it was a fight, we could solve it, you and me vs. the problem. But there’s no fight, no problem. It’s just you and me and the growing chasm between us.

You know what? It’s probably just the distance messing with us. We’ll be fine. We just need some time together. Thanksgiving will be good for us. And I’m flying out to Santa Fe for the winter holidays to spend it with you, so that’ll be good, too.

I’m gonna text you right now. Your flight probably won’t be leaving for another hour or so, so we can talk. Get back in rhythm.

I still don’t know what to say. I guess I’ll just ask about how hot Santa Fe is in winter and we can go from there. Here’s hoping this makes things get less awkward.

Love, Davey

Jack remembered that text conversation with Davey in the airport. He remembered how much hope it had given him, and how after Jack went back to Santa Fe when the holiday was over, how much better Davey and him had been. That Christmas/Hanukkah had been great, especially considering most of Jack’s classmates were at home and they’d had the dorm to themselves.

Of course their friends and families had known that was why Jack didn’t come home that year, and he distinctly remembered getting texts from all three of his brothers on Christmas morning asking if Davey was good in bed, but that was besides the point.

The next several letters were from their second wind, the rest of the school year. And yeah, they were hard to read, but they brought back happy memories. Even only seeing each other over breaks and computer screens, it seemed that Davey was happy, too. For a while, it had seemed that Jack could have his dreams of art school in Santa Fe and the love of his life.

Then, of course, during that summer of staying together at whichever house more often than not, they started fighting again. Over nothing. Over stupid things. Over who loaded the dishwasher wrong and who said he was going to pick Les up from his friend’s house.

Then they started fighting over big things. Over harsh words Jack never meant and judging by these letters, Davey didn’t meant, either.

August 2nd, 2017:

Dear Jack,

I fucked up. We just had a big fight, I said a bunch of things I didn’t mean, and like an idiot, I let you leave for the airport without apologizing. Now, you’re acting like your phone is already on airplane mode even though I know for a fact your flight doesn’t leave for another hour. Also, I can see that you’ve read all of my texts, you moron, so I know you’re just ignoring me.

Aw, hell, I don’t even blame you. I said some really bad things. I said you love your art more than me, and I know that’s not true. I know you’d never prioritize material things over the people you love, because Jackie, you prioritize those people who have earned your loyalty over everything, including your own mental and physical health. I know because it annoys the hell out of me, how you never give yourself a break. They’re all adults now, Jackie. They don’t need us as much anymore and you never stop acting like they do.

I shouldn’t be angry with you for that. I know with your childhood, trying to protect Crutchie, Race, and Romeo and sometimes failing, you still feel like you have to save everyone. It’s how you’re wired and I love that about you. I wouldn’t change it if I could. I just wish you’d stop running yourself into the ground to do it.

Is this it? I already feel like we’re on borrowed time, here. Sarah says she thought we were going to break up last year. Kath says she’s sure it’s not that bad. (they’re talking about it very loudly in the hallway. or maybe they’re arguing. who knows?) Les just said that my mom said nobody marries their high school sweetheart. (thanks, Mom.)

I think even if we never said it, that’s what we were both hoping for. I know you, Jackie. I’ve watched your favorite romcoms and Disney movies. I know you want the perfect fairytale relationship with the whole package of ‘and they get married and have kids and live happily ever after.’ And I want that, too. I really wanted it with you. Ugh! I still want it with you! I can’t imagine any alternate universe where I don’t want that with you!

It’s probably inappropriate to think about all that. We’re nineteen. We’re not even old enough to drink yet and we’re definitely too young for me to be thinking about marrying you.

Jack inhaled sharply. Oh, God. He was going to cry again.

But for the record... I do want to. I want everything with you and I cannot imagine any circumstance, any extreme, any bad breakup where I stop wanting that.

Just to be safe, though, in case something I can’t foresee happens and I never say it again...

I love you, Jack Kelly. I have loved you from the first day I met you and I can’t see anything happening in any version of reality that makes me stop loving you. You’re still like the living personification of the moon to me and no matter how much you piss me off, Jackie, your glow doesn’t fade. You shined a light on the parts of me afraid of judgement and taught me to shine, too, despite them.

I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you and I probably never will. I just need you to know that.

Love, Davey

Jack was already crying, but he panicked as he realized there was only two more letters.

A part of him wanted to wait. These were words Davey hadn’t spoken to him. These were the last pieces of Davey that were still Jack’s.

But he needed to know. Were these letters from before they actually broke up? After? Had Davey been wrong in the previous letter and he’d stoped loving Jack?

There were no dates on the envelopes. Still, Jack had to know. He took a deep breath and opened the second-to-last one, the paper covered in old, dried tear marks.

Dear Jack,

We had another stupid fight and we tried to fix it but that just ended in more yelling. That’s happened a few times before, now, but this time, it was different.

Oh, no. This must be from the big one Spring Break of their sophomore year of college.

Jack had come home for the break, it had been great to see his friends, but then he and Davey had started fighting. Like, really fighting. Worse than they ever had before.

And then there was the big one. It was two days before Jack flew back to Santa Fe. It was the one where they actually broke up.

This time, you told me to leave. And I kind of yelled at you to just go back to Santa Fe as you shoved me out the door. Then you yelled that if I wanted you to fly away so badly, I shouldn’t bother visiting again and you slammed the door in my face.

I think we just broke up. I’d be angry about it if I wasn’t so damn sad.

God, this is messed up. I know you’re alone on your bed with those stupid Star Wars sheets you’ve had since you were twelve and you locked the door because you don’t want anyone to see you cry. Thinking about that makes me want to run right back there and say I’m sorry.

I wanted to do that the second I got back to my parents’ house, but they convinced me not to. Sarah yelled at them for it. She said I had to make my own decision. They said I’m too emotional to think clearly. They’re right, of course, which is why I’m here writing this and not on my way back to your mom’s house already.

Now, Les is the only one outside my door. Are Crutchie, Race, Romeo, or Kath outside yours? Les is trying to guilt me into opening the door by telling me he cancelled a date for me. I’m not weirded out at all by the fact that my baby brother has way more game than I did when I was fourteen.

Are we really done, Jackie? For good? I keep waiting to hear you out in the hallway. And probably Kath, because she’s a better driver than you. I can’t keep thinking about this. I’m just gonna to go to sleep.

Davey

Jack wiped his eyes furiously. There was one more letter and he needed to read it, consequences be damned.

This last letter was probably from when Davey cooled down. Maybe the next morning or something. If he didn’t hate Jack while he was emotional and raw from the initial breakup, he might in this letter. But Jack opened it, anyway.

My Dearest Jack,

We really are broken up. You haven’t called me, but I got a very angry text-rant from Crutchie (for which he apologized 10 minutes later) which basically boiled down to him saying I broke your heart. Romeo called me, said ‘dude, not cool,’ then hung up. Race and Medda seem to be trying to see both sides, and though Kath did tell me that the last few months have been like ‘listening to mom and dad fight downstairs,’ she’s not offering any advice. I think she and Sarah are waiting for me to come to them.

I’m so sorry, Jackie. I know this is mostly my fault. Still, I can’t make the first move. Don’t forget: I know you. You’re more concerned with other people’s feelings than yours, so if I ask you to take me back and you do it, I can’t be sure you didn’t just do it for me. If we ever get back together, it has to be because you want it, too. However, I know you won’t even consider we could get back together unless I give you a sign, which is why I’m leaving you my letters.

You went back to Santa Fe two weeks ago and I’m finally stable enough to come get my stuff from your house and drop off what little you left in my room. While I’m there, I’m gonna hide this somewhere. I guess we’ll both have to pray no one else in your family finds it. That would be awkward.

When you find this, I want you to think long and hard about what you want, Jackie. I want you to make a decision for you. Goddammit, think about yourself first for once.

If you fight for me, I want you to do it because it’s what you really want. That fairytale romcom ending with me is still yours if you play your cards right. (Don’t think I forgot all the hurtful things you said to me, even if I’m 70% sure you didn’t mean them.) It might take... I dunno, therapy or something, but I still think we can fix this. It won’t be easy, but neither is love. Neither is our entire messed-up, broken group of friends.

I used to think I’d lose all of them if I lost you. Maybe I would have, if I’d messed up like this in 8th grade. But now, I know I won’t, because they’re all blowing up my phone as much as I’m sure they’re blowing up yours, asking if I’m okay. I see now that they need me as much as I need them. And they still need you, too, even if you do need to accept a little more that we’re all grown-ups now.

Where was I going with this? I had a point.

I guess all there’s left to say is that if you still want that perfect ending with me—getting married and having kids and having them call all our friends ‘auntie’ and ‘uncle’—fight for it. Loving someone the way I’m in love with you doesn’t happen twice, so I’m not going anywhere. You know where to find me.

You probably won’t find this for a while. Hell, you’re not even coming home again until summer break. But that’s probably a good thing. It gives us both some time to cool off and think.

So think, Jackie. Think long and hard and make a choice. Fight for me or don’t. In case I never get a chance to say it in person again...

I love you, Jack Kelly.

Love, Davey

Oh shit.

Davey left this in Jack’s closet a year and a half ago. He’d probably expected Jack to find it that summer. In fact, he probably thought Jack had found it and just decided not to fight for him.

Jack still wanted to fight for him. He had no doubts about that.

But did his have to discover this box now? When he was leaving for Santa Fe to finish his senior year tomorrow?

Fuck it. Even if it had been almost two years, even if there was a high chance Davey wasn’t waiting for him anymore, he still had to do this

Driving to the Jacobs house right then and there was probably the stupidest thing Jack had ever done, and that was including riding that Walmart shopping cart Albert stole down a hill in 8th grade with Race, Romeo, and Albert when Davey, Kath, and Specs weren’t there to stop them.

Sarah was the one who opened the door, and she... Jack hadn’t talked to Saz since the breakup, since she’d been staying mad at him out of solidarity. Honestly, he was now realizing that he’d missed her nearly as much as he’d missed Davey. They’d been good friends, once upon a time.

Now, she glared at him, “The fuck are you doing here, Kelly?”

“I...” Jack honestly couldn’t think of a good way to explain this, “Is he home?”

Sarah snorted, “What? After a year and a half, you’ve finally come to your senses and realized you’ll never find another one like my brother?”

“I never planned on anyone like him in the first place,” Jack snapped, “Davey was always... even back in middle school... You think I’d ever believe I could find someone else like that? I’m dumb, Saz, but I ain’t stupid. I always knew I was givin’ up on forever when I didn’t try to get him back, but... but I thought he didn’t want me anymore.”

Sarah froze, then leaned against the doorframe, laughing kind of hopelessly, “You are stupid, Jack Kelly, if you think my brother wasn’t totally gone for you and totally broken-hearted when you didn’t try to fight for him.”

Jack definitely had an oh shit moment, “Wait, do you know? About the..?”

“The box of letters he left you? Yeah. He told me last year, after you left for junior year without coming for him.”

Jack took the last letter out of his pocket, “I just found it.”

Saz took a second to process that before motioning for Jack to come in, shouting up the stairs, “Davey! Get your butt down here!”

Les, sitting at the kitchen table, looked up from his sandwich, “Holy shit. Jack?”

“Hi, kid,” Jack said, trying not to be weirded out by how the now-16-year-old was taller than him.

“Davey?” Sarah yelled again, clearly impatient.

“Alright, alright! God, Saz, what couldn’t wait 10 se—“ That was when Davey looked up, seeing Jack in his kitchen.

“That couldn’t wait,” Sarah said pointedly, “Les, let’s go... not be here.”

“If I eat in my room, Mom’ll kill me,” Les said, picking up his sandwich, anyway.

“Eat in my room, then.”

Jack and Davey were silent until the other two Jacobs siblings were upstairs.

“Why are you here, Jack?”

Jack had to take a deep breath before he responded, “When was the last time you went somewhere besides school if somebody didn’t drag you out of the house?”

“What?”

“Do the people who love you say you’ve changed? Do they keep saying they need a designated driver only to try to get you drinking and dancing like it’ll make you smile?”

“What are you—“

“Are there songs you can’t listen to? Movies you can’t watch? Have you so much as called someone back when they gave you their number?”

“Jack,” Davey looked at the ceiling, “What’s this about?”

“You once said you wouldn’t put your life on hold for me,” Jack said, “And you were right not to. I can be overprotective, sometimes. No one should put their dreams on hold because of a lover, but... my dreams are the only thing I haven’t put on hold, Dave. I ain’t been living since I lost you. Not really. And when our friends all said I was smilin’ less, I never let myself think about it, because if I did, I’d have to think about how much I was still hurtin’ over you.”

Davey laughed sady, “Jack, if you really wanted me, you would have fought for me a long time ago, so—“

“You’re talkin’ about the letters?” Jack asked, holding up the one he had on him, “Davey... I just found them. Today.”

Davey was silent, his face completely unreadable. Jack was holding his breath.

“Jack Kelly,” he finally smiled, “I should have known you would take this long to clean out your damn closet.”

“I think you spent enough time in the closet for the both of us.” Jack joked.

Davey rolled his eyes, “Very funny, Jackie. Anyway... I don’t think it’s any secret that we can’t just pick up where we left off.”

“Of course not.”

“So... coffee? If we’re trying again, I’d prefer to take things slow.”

Jack nodded, “Probably a good thing I’m going back to Santa Fe after tomorrow. That ain’t enough time for us to do something we’ll regret.”

“Yeah, I guess mostly just texting is one way to take it slow... speaking of which, one of us should probably text the group chat.”

“Oh yeah,” Jack grinned, “They’re gonna freak.”

[lesjacobs]

Gimme the newsies fic recs blease? 👉👈

This is really long, sorry. I’ll post the second half of my fic rec soon.

Name: Keeping Promises

Link:

Rating: Mature

Characters: Jack Kelly, David Jacobs, Katherine Plumber, Racetrack Higgins, Crutchie Morris, Spot Conlon, Sarah Jacobs, Buttons, Smalls, Les Jacobs, Mayer Jacobs, Esther Jacobs, Medda Larkin, Bryan Denton

Ships: David Jacobs/Jack Kelly, Spot Conlon/Racetrack Higgins

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - FBI, Modern Era, Enemies To Lovers, Enemies To Friends To Lovers, Childhood Trauma, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Francis Sullivan’s A+ Parenting, Judaism, Jewish David Jacobs, Warning: Republicans, Jack and David hate each other at first, except not really, Jack hates David and David is confused, I recognize that I’m writing about law enforcement but also...defund the police, Cancer, It’s not David or Jack but it appears in the plot

Summary: David Jacobs is desperate to leave the past behind, so when he gets offered a promotion and a transfer out of town, he takes it. Now he has to deal with a new city, a new job, a criminal investigation so big that all three branches of the federal government might have to get involved, and - perhaps worst of all - Special Agent Jack Kelly.

My Extra Comments: Okay it’s been a hot minute since I read this but I think the Republicans are only mentioned once or twice, so they don’t make a huge impact on the story.

Name: Oh, It’s You

Link:

Rating: Teen

Characters: Spot Conlon, Racetrack Higgins, Albert DaSilva, Jack Kelly, David Jacobs, Crutchie, Romeo, all the newsies tbh

Ships: Spot Conlon/Racetrack Higgins

Additional Tags: Slight angst and then a lot of angst later, background javid, background blush, background redfinch, background spromeo, background newsbians, Reincarnation AU, High School AU, Nightmares, background ikeshot, background jomike, background belmerttons, They all die, but don’t worry they all come back, Angst, Hurt/Comfort

Summary: Race is well aware that his friend group is strange. For one thing, they’re the entirety of their school’s drama club. For another, there’s always a sense of deja vu when a friend joins the group. A kind of... “oh, it’s you. Welcome home. Why did you stay away so long?” It doesn’t at all feel like meeting someone for the first time.

Then Race meets a boy in his 1st period class who gives him a feeling way stronger than just a vague sense of deja vu.

My Extra Comments: I put this in my ‘to recommend’ list twice if that counts for anything. Also there’s a sequel now.

Name: Stare Down The Odds, May They Be In Your Favor

Link:

Rating: Mature

Characters: David Jacobs, Jack Kelly, Les Jacobs, Katherine Plumber, Medda Larkin, Kloppman, Smalls, Oscar Delancey, Morris Delancey, Joseph Pulitzer, Wiesel, Sarah Jacobs, Esther Jacobs, Mayer Jacobs, Bryan Denton

Ships: David Jacobs/Jack Kelly

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Hunger Games Setting, Canon-Typical Violence, Violence, Character Death, Graphic Violence, Child Death, Heavy Angst, Major Character Injury, Permanent Injury, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Developing Relationship, Battlefield medicine, Mild gore, Suicidal thoughts, Post-Tramatic Stress Disorder - PTSD

Summary: "And the second Hunger Games Tribute from the Manhattan District is...Les Jacobs!"

Davey's entire world freezes. No, not Les. Anyone but Les. Anyone... "I volunteer! I volunteer as Tribute!"

---

Newsies in Hunger Games setting.

My Extra Comments: This is probably my favorite fanfic ever, I’m not exaggerating. The tags may seem like a lot, but it’s literally just The Hunger Games. The plot is so well developed and I’ve read this ten times. The authors also done the second book and is currently working on the third. I very very very very very very very highly recommend this.

Name: All This Time Did More Than Pass Us By

Link:

Rating: Teen

Characters: David Jacobs, Jack Kelly, Racetrack Higgins, Spot Conlon, Katherine Plumber, Mush Meyers, Kid Blink, Albert DaSilva, Romeo, Specs, Sarah Jacobs, Les Jacobs, Elmer, Smalls

Ships: David Jacobs/Jack Kelly, Spot Conlon/Racetrack Higgins, Kid Blink/Mush Meyers, Romeo/Specs

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Modern Era, Slow Burn, Slow Build, Alternate Universe - College/University, Other Additional Tags To Be Added, Trans Character, Trans Racetrack Higgins, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Elmer, Underage Drinking, Enemies To Friends To Lovers, Friends To Lovers, Friendship, Mentions of/reference to homophobia

Summary: New York, 1899.

David Jacobs fights alongside his fellow newsies. He is with them. His voice is sore from yelling, his legs are tired from running.

New York, 2019.

David Jacobs wakes up in the middle of the night. He is alone. His hands are shaking, his forehead is burning up, and he suddenly remembers names and faces he should not know.

Flashes of memories are making their way through his mind, flying through at a rapid pace. He’s walking through central park, holding hands with Sarah in pigtails. Then he’s running through the same surroundings, laughter in his chest, adrenaline shooting through his veins, and with the figure of someone much larger than Sarah running alongside him.

My Extra Comments: abdksjsjshsjsv I love this so much

Name: Lines

Link:

Rating: Teen

Characters: Spot Conlon, Racetrack Higgins, Jack Kelly, Kid Blink, Mush Meyers, David Jacobs, Tommy Higgins (oc)

Ships: Spot Conlon/Racetrack Higgins, Kid Blink/Mush Meyers, David Jacobs/Jack Kelly, Albert DaSilva/Elmer, Buttons/Henry, Mike/JoJo, Ike/Finch

Additional Tags: Angst, So much angst, Soulmate AU, Soulmate- Identitying Marks, Every kind of Soulmate AU, Spot’s the angst this time, Autistic character, Autistic Spot, Mental Health Issues, Implied/Refernced Child Abuse, Implied Relationships, The Newsies and Mental Health Issues, Trans Jack Kelly, Autistic Mush, Deaf Jack, Snyder is evil, what else is new, why did I do this?, APSS is messed up, You thought you hated Snyder?, Protective Race, Marvel - Freeform, Star Wars - Freeform, Spot loves Carrie Fisher just like the rest of us, All the cuddles, Spot needs love, Sharing a bed, meltdowns, Race is the best, Race’s little brother is a little shit, Hospitals, a given at this point, but ANGST TRAIN IS PULLING OUT OF THE STATION, There will be more pain, choo choo, Implied/Refernced Self-Harm, I never tagged those?, Fluff and angst

Summary: Racetrack Higgins had a soulmate.

They had deep, beautiful brown eyes. They didn’t have a good living situation, if the dark brown spots that covered his back and slashes over his ribs were anything to go by. They were ambidextrous, and they had been cutting neat lines into their arms since Race was 14.

Spot Conlon had a soulmate.

They had bright blue eyes, never seemed to get hurt badly, and were perfect. In every way, Spot was convinced. They wouldn't want him. He was convinced of that too.

My Extra Comments: I cried both times I read this

[willowistic22]

Cardigan - Belmerttons

Ship: Belmerttons

Genre: Angst if this is how you angst lol

Song: Cardigan - Taylor Swift 

A/N: So I’ve been meaning to get into doing songfics for awhile now and I finally found time to do it yeyyyy. in celebration of Taylor’s newest album I wrote my first songfic to one of  my favorite songs on the album!! It’s always me projecting my inner swiftie lol. give the song a listen it’s sooooo good. Idk how frequent i’ll be writing these songfics but just know i want to dabble in a little bit of songfics so I hope y’all like it! (it’s my first one so critiques are much appreciated!)

Vintage tee, brand new phone

High heels on cobblestones

That night, Buttons was finally brave enough to wear his high heels out in public. The club he went to was full of life. Flashing lights in every corner of the room, music blasting like it’s the end of the world, various looking people dancing to the beat.

Buttons found refuge by the bar to order a drink for himself to sink in his loneliness. Despite the club being packed with people, he doesn’t know anyone.

But that’s where Buttons found him. Leaning his back on the bar top. In a yellow vintage t-shirt that says ‘Santa Cruz, California’ in blue. He dragged his eyes to meet the face. The right amount of freckles sprinkled across his cheeks as it spreads out when he smiles. White teeth gleaming under the light the disco ball provided. Jet black hair going absolutely wild like the scene around them.

God was that stranger attractive. And he might’ve caught Buttons starring.

Dancin’ in your Levi’s

Drunk under a streetlight

He presented himself to Buttons as ‘Elmer’. He was charming and smooth for the most part. Pulled the right strings in Buttons to give him butterflies. But Buttons can tell he might be a little tipsy from the way that he’s slightly swaying for no reason.

One thing led to another and Buttons founds himself walking out of the bar with Elmer. Manhattan’s nightlife is something he’s used to, since he has lived here all his life. But he has someone to share it with now. All of a sudden, the moon seems to shine a little brighter and the stars twinkling undecipherable signals to Buttons.

Buttons laughed at the stupid antics the alcohol made Elmer do. They’ve just met, but Buttons can tell he isn’t the best dancer ever. Elmer swung his body while holding onto the streetlight while trying to sing the lyrics to the very loud song the club provided, with a little stain on his jeans from the liquid he accidentally spilled. It made Buttons erupt into laughter.

They’ve only had one simple conversation but Buttons can tell getting to know this boy is going to be one wild adventure he can’t wait to embark.

Hand under my sweatshirt

Baby, kiss it better

And it was. For two full months, they’ve spent their days together. Elmer made Buttons’ day to day life so much better. Every little thing they did was like a new adventure. Whether it’d be going out for pizza to as little as sneakily putting a hand under his sweatshirt in broad daylight. Maybe it’s too soon to tell but Buttons could almost say it’s love.

Luckily, he hadn’t said it. When Buttons really thought this was all too good to be true, it was.

They’re in each other’s arms, in the middle of Buttons’ apartment. Swaying slowly to soft music they put on to fill in the void. Buttons rests his head slightly into the curve of Elmer’s neck, and Elmer’s sitting on Buttons’ fluffy brown hair.

Previous nights they did this, it was full of life. Now that reality has finally came around the block, they sway in each other’s warmth to the inevitable heartbreak they’d have to go through in the morning.

Chase two girls, lose the one

Elmer isn’t an official New York resident. He lives in Poland with the rest of his family. The kid who’s known to do the right thing only because that’s what his older siblings has been doing their whole life. And the right thing for him is to go with his family’s advice to propose to his long-time lady friend since his 25th birthday is coming up and he hasn’t found a special someone yet.

But he doesn’t love that girl. Not in that way at least. When Buttons found out about the truth, he was in pieces. Sobbing in his bedroom all alone that Elmer had kept that really important information from him.

When you are young, they assume you know nothing

Buttons’ should’ve put his guard up when his heart said it was all too good to be true. Elmer is a gentleman, that part was true. He was out of Buttons’ league. Did everything Buttons could ever ask for when he’s searching for someone to share his love with. But Elmer was never his to keep or lose.

Elmer wanted nothing more than to go back in time and make everything right. From preventing Buttons to sob his heart out from thinking how dumb and naïve he was. And Elmer couldn’t do anything more than just be on the other side of the door, listening to each teardrop Buttons’ received from the devil they’ve created within their made up heaven.

But I knew you

“Why didn’t you told me?” Buttons had asked once he finally picked himself up. He opened the door to see water streaks on Elmer’s cheeks, much like his own.

“I wanted to… I-I swear on my life…” Elmer chocked out, sniffling his stuffy nose. It was hard for him to form a proper sentence with the sobs threatening to escape his lips, “I just… couldn’t find the strength to… accept that I could lose you…”

He really thought he knew who Elmer was. But it turns out he was still the same stranger Buttons met at the club.

What had made the situation even worse, Buttons didn’t have the strength to slam the door at his face. He was to weak to hate him. He couldn’t if he tried. He continued to sob his puffy red eyes out as he embrace Elmer in a hug. Elmer couldn’t stop his own tears from sinking into the sadness.

He let Button’s tears leave a mark on the hoodie he had worn that day. Hoping the marks would stay there forever to remind him the best thing in his whole life he had lost.

Playing hide-and-seek and

Giving me your weekends

And it was unfair for both parties. Elmer found that ‘something’ he’s been searching for his whole life. Giving his all to Buttons.

Elmer gave Buttons a new meaning to simple weekends. Glued to the bed till 11 AM, entangling in each other’s limbs under the covers, skipping breakfast to turn it into heavy lunch dates. Sometimes one ends up dragging the other outside to get some sun. Other times, they stay in with their pyjamas on.

He also reminded Buttons what it’s like to interpret the famous ‘young, wild, and free’ quote. Elmer had ran around Central Park like a child one night. Buttons ended up following his little game of hide and seek after seeing nothing would make him stop. Forgetting their whole point of walking Buttons back to his place after their sixth dinner date.

And it was on that cold and dark night that he finally found out what it meant to stargaze. Buttons had finally caught up to Elmer, fully crashing on his chest when he turned around unexpectedly. Elmer caught him in his arms before gravity did. He held him up with breathless smiles decorating their faces. They were locked in an intense gaze and felt their breath do the same.

Elmer raised a hand to rest it on Buttons’ cheek. If the soft touch didn’t give Buttons goosebumps, the words Elmer whispered after will.

“Ca-can I kiss you?”

Your heartbeat on the High Line

Once in twenty lifetimes

Buttons never even thought their Manhattan adventures could get any better. But it seems that Elmer knows how to make all the black and white colors in life full of color.

Something as small as focusing on Elmer’s heartbeat as he lays his head on his chest while sitting on Buttons’ couch could make him feel this way. Safer than being under the covers at night when 7 year old Buttons had a fear of monsters in the closet. Warmer than the hot chocolates he orders when he goes to Starbucks. Feeling confident that everything in his life has lead up to meeting Elmer.

And when I felt like I was an old cardigan

Under someone’s bed

You put me on and said I was your favorite

For the first time in his life, he found out what being loved really felt like.

It felt like Elmer’s hugs was warmer than winter jackets. It felt like Elmer’s finger that had traced any inch of skin on Buttons was softer than a newborns blanket. It felt like all the bright colors on Time Square’s billboards were nothing compared to what Buttons sees when he kisses Elmer with his eyes shut.

To kiss in cars and downtown bars

Was all we needed

And their love, or whatever it is they have, was each interpreted differently. But it still comes down to how sweet it was.

It was sweet to Buttons for Elmer to be laughing in the middle of their kiss as they head home with a cab after wearing their legs off from roaming around Manhattan. They made sure to give a huge tip to the driver for needing to put up with their honeymoon stage.

“Is he going to be okay after going through that car ride with us?” Buttons asked, still smiling as they make their way into Buttons’ apartment building after exiting the cab.

“I gave him a $20 dollar tip for needing to endure all of that. He’ll be fine!” Elmer replied, to which Buttons countered it with a giggle.

And Elmer thought it was sweet to him when he successfully got Buttons to go to a bar and endure his tipsy antics after his second drink. It’s not that he gets totally hammered, but Elmer does starts to get a little lost after two drinks of scotch.

Buttons had to hold Elmer’s arm the whole way back or else he might trip and fall. It was a sight to behold when Elmer did manage to trip and fall on his own footsteps.

You drew stars around my scars

But now I’m bleeding

“You could still stay”

“You know that’s not possible”

“Then make it possible”

“Buttons—”

“You don’t even wanna go back there”

“I can’t—”

“You lied to me for nearly two months!” Buttons lifted his head from the warmth of Elmer’s shoulder, making the two stop from swaying to the background song, “I’m sure you can make up another lie to tell your family”

It broke Elmer’s heart to hear something like that come out of Buttons. Voice cracking a little from the sob he held back, but the anger still visible. And slowly, he starts to bleed out invisible liquid out of his eyes. It isn’t the conventional blood you’d get from a nasty cut. Because it was worse.

Buttons sobs quietly as he stares up into Elmer’s eyes that’s starting to bleed as well.

Elmer grabs Buttons cheeks with both hands. He wipes away the tear streaks with his thumbs and sniffles out, “I’m sorry. But I can’t”

Steppin’ on the last train

Marked me like a bloodstain

The next day arrive a little too quick. The day Elmer leaves for Poland. It’s a long-shot for him to return because his Manhattan trip alone costed more than an arm and leg.

Buttons isn’t sure how Elmer managed to convinced Buttons to take him to the airport. And now that they’re standing in front of the entrance, Buttons regrets it a little. Because no one should be saying a proper goodbye to the person that broke their heart. No one should be crying over that person exiting their life. Buttons knows better, yet, he can’t help it.

“I gotta go—”

“I know” Buttons cuts him off. No trace of warmth or longing in it. Just plain cold words.

Elmer just stands in front of him, not moving one inch of his muscle other than the ones on his face. His expression changes after getting the message of how hurt Buttons really is. But who is there to blame other than himself.

I knew you

Tried to change the ending

Peter losing Wendy

“Buttons…” Elmer called out with his breath. The crowded airport fades away around them as Elmer drops his hands holding his passport and plane ticket. He looks at the shorter boy, desperately trying to look for the same look he saw in his eyes when they were still having those adventures around the city together. The hope, the adoration, the excitement. Anything that dismisses his coldness Elmer is receiving. 

“I know you’d stay if you can. But you can’t” Buttons replied so Elmer wouldn’t waste his breath on something Buttons already knows.

They stayed quiet for a moment. Buttons looks down to his worn down sneakers to ignore the visible pain behind Elmer’s black misty eyes.

“If I were to ever come back…” Elmer started out with a crack in his voice, “…would you want to see me?”

Buttons furiously wiped an eye with the over-sized jumper he’s wearing and looks up to meet Elmer’s eyes, “I-isn’t there a flight you’re suppose to catch?”

That answers Elmer’s question pretty quick. His heart shattered even more. With a hopeless breath, Elmer turns around with his luggage but stops halfway to face Buttons once more before finally disappearing to the crowd, “Take care, Buttons…”

And when you are young, they assume you know nothing

Buttons should have never opened his heart so easily to the stranger he met in the club. He wouldn’t be in the back of the cab from the airport just to say goodbye to Elmer. The heartbreak he’s enduring is all his own fault. He holds back tears threatening to trickle down his cheeks again.

How could I’ve been so stupid? He thought to himself, looking out the window. The view of the city goes back to being the dull city he’s always lived in. Nothing is exciting about Manhattan anymore. Benjamin Davenport, you deserve this for being such a fucking naive idiot.

But I knew you’d linger like a tattoo kiss

I knew you’d haunt all of my what-ifs

Once Buttons shuts his apartment door, he sinks down the floor with the door against his back. He tucks his knees closer to his chest, grabbing it for dear life as he sobs harder than before. The air turns into all sorts of misty with every drop of water rolls down his cheeks.

That same misty air didn’t change for the coming of long and dreadful days ahead of him. Where he now has to spend them without having a partner to conquer the city. The skin Elmer has placed a kiss is somehow screaming for more attention. And his brain constantly rewinds the ‘what-if’ Elmer had asked before he left for his flight.

If I were to ever come back would you want to see me?

Oh, God, what if he really will come back? What would Buttons do?

The smell of smoke would hang around this long

Days turns to weeks. Weeks turns to a full month. Every possession Buttons owns that Elmer has touched haunts him till this day. It’s unfortunate to Buttons because he let Elmer touch every aspect in his life.

But there’s this part in Buttons that tells him to hold on. Hold on to that huge hoodie Elmer had let him use at night when it got too cold. In this one particular night, Buttons let’s the weeping sky decide whether he’s going to listen or not.

He let’s his weakness gets the best of him and grabs the gray hoodie from his closet, slipping it on in one swift move. Buttons hasn’t washed it since the day Elmer left it there. Buttons takes in the smell as he drops his weight back on his couch again. Sweet and fruity. He even picked up a little scent of Scotch from the soft interior. There were more he sort of picked up, but couldn’t pinpoint what it was. But that’s the smell of Elmer.

‘Cause I knew everything when I was young

I knew I’d curse you for the longest time

Chasin’ shadows in the grocery line

The feeling of longing is still there. And that ‘what-if’ was still looming in the back of his mind.

Buttons hates him. He hates Elmer for bringing in hope when he knows it’s going to be ripped away from his hands sooner or later. He hates Elmer for showing him a world only the two of them can see. Buttons hates the cruel act of receiving so many things from him like they’d be something special, only for Elmer to retract it all.

But secretly, he wishes Elmer really would come back. Part of him wants to call him up and check on him. But another part of him wishes for Buttons to get over that guy. It took so much time to get to where Buttons is at right now. Sure, there’s still that sorrow feeling in his stomach but he let’s the sky sob for him ever since he stopped his eyes from doing so.

Elmer had made up his mind to leave. So Buttons should just drop it. There’s no point in trying to chase someone who isn’t waiting to be caught. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t want to. The coldness of his living room makes him miss Elmer’s warm hugs. But he stays strong because he knows that ‘what-if’ is only a dream.

Or so he thought…

I knew you’d miss me once the thrill expired

And you’d be standin’ in my front porch light

And I knew you’d come back to me

A faint knocking on the door brought Buttons back to his apartment from his mind concentrating on the sound of the rain. He cocks his head towards the sound, a little surprise upon hearing it since he isn’t expecting anyone to come.

He reluctantly gets up from the comfort of his couch, dragging his feet across the cold hardwood floor. He opens the door to reveal a figure all too familiar.

Buttons’ eyes widen up to the same eyes he fell in love with. He froze in place to see the presence of the tall boy with the same wild hair he wore on the first night they met.

“I…” Elmer started out, shifting his hands out of the pocket of his jacket to reach out. But he retracts his hand mid action, figuring out it might be inappropriate to do it now.

The air between them shifted. A mixture of everything they’re feeling all at once as they hover between Buttons’ apartment and the gloomy hallway. They speak through their frozen posture, saying everything and nothing all at once without a verbal word being exchanged until Elmer broke the silence first.

“I hope you can forgive me”

[mar-bluu]

Belmerttons for that ship ask thing??

who’s the cuddler: Buttons! You’d think it’d be Elmer but this boi clings to him like a damn koala

who makes the bed: Elmer, he likes the bed to look neat and likes the feeling of crisp sheets :3

who wakes up first:  Buttons! He’s a big morning person 

who has the weird taste in music: Oh it’s Buttons hands down, he likes to just pick a song and then let whatever comes on next play and before he knows it, it’s four hours later and it’s just gone from a classical piece to a lady screaming in different languages with faint ukulele music playing off beat in the background 

who is more protective: They’re both pretty protective of each other, but Buttons is a little more so (linked to the amnesia au :3)

who sings in the shower: Elmer! Buttons can hear him from the other side of the house! Buttons sings too sometimes, but not as frequently or as loud, he more hums than sings 

who cries during movies: they both get pretty emotional during movies :3

who spends the most shopping: Buttons! He sees literally anything and is like ‘oh I’m gonna get this for Elmer. Do we need a juice press? no, but i love him and he deserves fresh pressed juice dammit!’ 

who kisses more roughly: Elmer

who is more dominate: Buttons! 

who burns the dinner: Buttons

who picks the restaurant to eat: Elmer

who forgets dates: both of them! they’re so content with just being with each other, they forget that they have dinner reservations lol 

who has to remind the other to take their meds/pump/clean their medical equiptment: They both remind each other, but Buttons usually has to remind Elmer a little more

who has to remind the other to go to bed: Elmer, Buttons wakes up early no matter what, but if he goes to bed late he’s really flat and/or grumpy in the morning 

who makes breakfast in bed: Buttons (because he’s up first) but on special occasions, Elmer cooks for him :3

who will eat food no matter if it is under/over cooked: Elmer! He doesn’t have the heart to tell Buttons that the toast shouldn’t be that black

who is more likely to get lost: Elmer, his sense of direction doesn’t exist lol

my raiting for the ship 1-10: 10000000000000000000000000000000000000000/10 i love them very very much <3

ship questions!

[broadwaycantdie]

Makeovers! - Newsies (Pride) Month . Day 3

( trans au ) + ( belmerttons )

a/n: i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again; i would die for belmerttons and sarah is perfect thank you

warnings: i am not trans so i apologize if things are wrong! i’m trying my best because i want everyone included, pride month is for everyone under our big ol’ queer umbrella <3

background: Buttons and Elmer have been dating for a while but El has been going through some personal and internal struggles. El goes to Sarah for help since she’s always there for everyone.

——————————————————————————

“Hey Sarah?”

“Elmer?”

El shuddered at the name. Sarah had no way to know, because she wasn’t told. No one was.

“Um, are you home alone?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Can I come over? I have something important to tell you.”

“Of course, El! You can always come over.”

El really liked whenever people used that nickname.

She made her way to Sarah’s house with nerves in each step. She knew everything would change after this meeting and she just hoped Sarah would be okay with it all.

They exchanged greetings and soon enough El was sitting on Sarah’s bed trying to find the confidence to say what she wanted.

Luckily, Sarah was good at starting conversations.

“So, what did you want to tell me?”

El took a shaky breath.

“Well, I, uh, need some help. But before that I have to tell you that...uh...I—“

Sarah rubbed a soft hand on her thigh, it always calmed her.

“Elmer, you can tell me anything.”

“See that’s the thing. I’m not Elmer. I never really felt like I was. I—I always felt more like an Eleanor.”

Sarah paused for a moment and looked at her. El could tell she was taking it all in but she didn’t look mad, just a little surprised.

El continued.

“I haven’t told anyone else, you’re the first one, and I hope that you don’t hate me. I’ve kinda known this for a while but you know how people can be. I know it’s going to take time for everyone to adjust to new pronouns and everything but I want to keep the nickname ‘El’ since it’ll be a really smooth transition, you know?”

Sarah still didn’t say anything after another pause so El continued on with the conversation.

“So...what I need help with is...can you help me, uh, look the part? I want to feel pretty and you always look so cute so I thought you’d be the best to help. Maybe a makeover? Only if you want!”

Sarah’s face formed into a huge smile.

“Of course I’ll help you! You’ve always been a sister to me and it just so happens that makeovers are what sisters are for!”

She leaned in and hugged El tightly.

“And just so you know, I would never hate you. You’re family, I love you. Also, Eleanor Kasprzak really has a nice ring to it.”

Sarah got up and gathered what she needed. She brought out makeup, accessories, and hair products.

But what would a girls day be without gossiping?

So Sarah brought up Buttons.

“Have you told him yet?”

“No, and I don’t know how I will either. What if he breaks up with me? What if he doesn’t want to date a girl? What if he rejects me and yells at me and—“

“El! Calm down, sweetheart. Buttons is one of the sweetest people ever, you know that. He would never yell at you or be mad that you’re being your true self. I can’t know what he’ll say but I know he would never be rude about it because that’s not who he is.”

Sarah was always good at calming people down and El admired her for that.

She finished up El’s makeup, hair, and accessories and started to pick out some clothes. While Sarah turned her back, El looked at herself in the mirror for the first time. She almost cried at how happy she was.

Her makeup consisted of peach eyeshadow, curled up eyelashes with mascara, perfectly shaped and filled in eyebrows, blush thinly spread across her cheeks and nose—light enough to still see her freckles—and a rose tinted lip.

Her hair was still curly but more styled than usual. Sarah tied a pink ribbon around her head—forming a headband—finishing with a bow on top.

Everything was soft and elegant. Exactly how El liked it. She wanted to feel pretty and Sarah was making every one of her dreams come true.

Sarah walked back in the room with an apprehensive smile and folded clothes in her hands.

“I think I found something you’ll like”, she started, pointing to the dress.

“I also didn’t know how far you were comfortable with going right now. So I brought everything else you might need only if you want to. I will never force you to do anything, but I will always give you the option.”

El smiled so wide her eyes crinkled into almost nothing. Her breathing was shaky and her heart pounded, but she felt so much joy she couldn’t let her fear take over.

She walked into the bathroom and took off her previous outfit. She waited for a while in the underwear she had on before sliding those off as well. She looked at herself. Really looking at herself. Her body compared to her face. She wanted to cry but she couldn’t ruin the makeup Sarah did for her.

After she built up her courage, she slid on the undergarments Sarah had brought. She didn’t have enough to fill in the top but she had too much filling the bottom. She didn’t care. The feeling of the fabric and the look she could achieve was so much better than she imagined. It would take a lot more than just trying on clothes to get her to where she wanted to be, but for right now this was a huge step.

El put on the dress and spun around the bathroom. She felt like a princess. The dress was a soft pink and flowed with her movements. It ended at just above her knees and synced at the waist. She felt like she could live in this dress forever.

She walked out of the bathroom and went back to Sarah.

Her face was glowing from her smile and she couldn’t stop moving in the dress.

“Do you like it?” El called out, spinning around.

“You look so pretty, El! I’ve never seen you this happy!” Sarah replied.

“Sarah. I think I’m ready to tell Buttons. I just, I think if he see me like this, he’ll really accept it. He’ll know I’m serious and maybe he’ll even think I’m pretty.”

The doorbell rang before she could answer.

She came back with a guest in hand.

“Well I think that’s a great idea! But it might be a little sooner than you thought.”

She looked at the door and froze.

“Buttons?”

“Elmer?”

“Buttons”, Sarah butted in, “This is El. She has something to tell you.”

“I—I—Buttons I can explain—I...”

She looked over at Sarah for help. Sarah returned with a gentle nod, signaling her to continue, and that she could do this.

She took a deep and shaky breath.

“Buttons I can’t be your boyfriend anymore”, El took a pause—oh how she could be dramatic.

Buttons expression saddened but before he could speak, El continued.

“Because I’m your girlfriend now”, El said with a smile, a smile that Buttons always adored.

El and Sarah sat Buttons down and explained everything that happened until he understood.

“Baby, sweetheart, I—I still love you, nothing will ever change that. You mean too much to me for anything to make me leave or hate you. If this is who you are in your heart, then it’s exactly who you’re meant to be.”

El leaned over the bed and tackled Buttons into a hug.

“By the way”, Buttons started, “you look absolutely beautiful, princess.”

El placed several kisses all over Buttons, leaving light marks of pink across his face. She loved that nickname so much. Buttons always use to call her prince so it wasn’t a big change, but princess just felt so nice.

“Sarah, I don’t know how I’ll ever thank you enough”, El said, turning to her.

“Just promise me you’ll fully be yourself. You deserve so much happiness and joy and I just want you to feel the love we have always given you before and after you told us the news. I’ll always be here for anything you need and I think I speak for Buttons when I say that he’ll support you always.”

Sarah always knew what to say. El didn’t know how she did it. It must be a Jacobs’ family thing cause Davey was the same way.

El went over to Sarah and pulled her into a hug.

“Also”, Sarah said, still wrapped in the hug.

“If you ever need makeup tips and I’m not around, go to Davey. I taught him everything I know incase he ever needed it.”

El smiled so wide. She has never felt more loved and accepted than in this moment and she was ready to unapologetically be herself.

[violetwolfraven]

One of Mine

Here’s the javid portion of the Reincarnation AU, all finished!

Do not read this unless you are mentally and emotionally prepared for major ANGST.

...

Jack looked up, just happening to look across the parking lot at the exact right moment.

See, Jack had gotten a major deja vu moment when he first met each of his friends. It was just knowing that this one was one of his. He needed to keep this person close and safe and happy. And with pieces of how to do that, he already knew, just instinctively.

Basically, deja vu was an old friend.

But the punch in the gut of familiarity he got when he locked eyes with a dark-haired boy from across the parking lot was so much more than that.

The guy froze for a second, just staring at Jack, but then a girl with similar features nearby called to him and he looked away, following her into school.

Jack exhaled and realized he hadn’t breathed that whole time he was maintaining eye contact with this mystery new kid.

Jack was pretty sure he was a new kid. He would have remembered seeing someone like that.

”Jack?”

Jack snapped back to attention, “What?”

Oh, shit. Crutchie had evidently been trying to get his attention for a while.

”What is it, Crutchie?”

Crutchie smirked, “Nothin’. Just wonderin’ who that boy you was starin’ at was.”

Read more here!

[violetwolfraven]

Marked For You

((Am I writing a post-strike javid soulmates AU with several background ships? Possibly! No one asked for this but y’all can’t stop me.))

...

Davey liked to think that being among the Newsies, he was bolder than before. He didn’t scare as easily and he wasn’t afraid to stand up for what he believed in or be himself unapologetically.

After all, that was what all the Newsies were; themselves. They didn’t care what each other thought, not that any of them ever seemed to seriously judge the others. Each Newsie was openly himself or herself, plain and simple.

This kind of unjudging openness that Davey knew and loved didn’t mean he wasn’t shocked as hell when he and some of the fellas were talking, like they did practically every day, and the conversation turned to soulmates and soulmarks.

Soulmarks were a stripe of color on the inside of your wrist, said to be the color that represented who your soulmate was on a fundamental level. Their soul-color.

Davey’s soulmark was a bright, clear blue, like the sky on a clear summer day.

To be fair, the person Davey had been before meeting the Newsies probably would have completely freaked out at what the fellas were talking about. Davey managed to only be moderately surprised and kind of confused.

Because Race was talking about how his soulmark was dark red, the same color as Spot’s favorite shirt, and it just represented him so well and—

“Hold up,” Davey interrupted, “Your soulmate is Spot Conlon?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“Are... are you sure?”

“Of course. Um... it’s not a new thing. We’s both known for months.”

All the fellas had guarded looks on their faces. Like they didn’t known how Davey was going to react and it scared them.

Davey had, of course, heard of people having same-sex soulmates. Most people seemed to regard it as wrong for some reason, but...

No one chose their soulmates. All scientists seemed to agree on that.

So why should something you had no control over be regarded as wrong, especially when soulmates were the kind of love that made each other happy?

Now that Davey was thinking about it, blue wasn’t a common color documented to represent a girl.

The idea of his soulmate being a boy didn’t freak him out as much as it probably should.

“I didn’t think the King of Brooklyn was the lovin’ type.”

Everyone visibly relaxed.

“You’d be surprised,” Race said with an uncharacteristically soft smile, “He kinda freaked out on me at first, but we talked it over after he got some time to process, we’s been together nearly a year now, and... he’s good to me.”

“He better be,” Romeo said, “Or Manhattan’d go to war.”

Albert snorted, “Half the Newsies of New York would. Racer, ya got a shit ton of friends.”

“Heh. True. There might actually be enough of ya to stand a chance against Brooklyn.”

“Bold of ya to assume half the Brooklyn boys wouldn’t be on your side,” Jojo pointed out.

Davey had to admit, he couldn’t think of a single Newsie who wouldn’t beat up someone stupid enough to break Race’s heart.

Ike shrugged, “Hotshot’d probably side with Spot. Sorry, Race. Oh! Davey, Hotshot’s mine, by the way.”

Ike showed his red soulmark, a brighter scarlet than Race’s. Hell, the thing was so bright, it practically glowed in the late afternoon sun.

Seeing Mike’s, which was electric blue, Davey wondered how he’d ever had trouble telling the twins apart.

Mike noticed him looking and grinned, throwing an arm around Jojo, who blushed a little. His soulmark was an almost-golden shade of yellow that Davey had to admit suited Mike well.

Of course, it did make him curious, how he’d always heard of people with same-sex soulmates as a rarity, an anomaly that barely ever happened.

And here was 6 that he knew personally. Probably more, now that he was thinking about it, looking back on the way certain pairs of his friends acted.

“How common is it?” he asked finally, “I always heard of same-sex soulmates as rare, but—“

Blink snorted, “It ain’t. Not as much as they’d have ya believe, anyhow.”

His fingers brushed over a mint green soulmark gently.

“Yeah, mine’s Finch,” Albert said, displaying a mark the color of sage.

Romeo grinned, showing his, which was an indigo halfway between blue and purple, “Take a guess.”

Looking back on casual touches that weren’t as hidden as they probably should be, for safety reasons, Davey realized that he was an idiot for not having realized it sooner.

“Specs?”

“Bingo! Ya got in in one!”

“And Blink... I’m guessin’... Mush?”

Blink shrugged sheepishly.

Davey really felt like an idiot for not fully registering until right now how defensive, tough Kid Blink was soft and gentle with Mush in a way he wasn’t with anyone—not even the littles.

“What about you?” Romeo asked, “Ya know who yours is, yet?”

Davey shrugged helplessly, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

“Well, show us the mark!” Ike urged, “We can’t guess if we don’t see the color!”

The others voiced their agreement until Davey extended his forearm towards them.

Honestly, his was probably the brightest and most defined of any of them, besides Ike’s.

Everyone went silent, and Davey knew his friends well enough to know that they weren’t quiet simply because they were thinking.

They knew something he didn’t.

“What?” he finally asked after a good 20 seconds.

“Ya really don’t see it?” Mike asked.

“I don’t think he does,” Albert admitted, stealing Race’s cigar.

Race stole the cigar back, “Tragic.”

“What do you all see that I don’t?”

“Ya know, it took me a while to figure out mine,” Jojo admitted, “I was raised to think lovin’ a boy would land ya in hell. But I still knew within a couple weeks, if ya don’t count how long it took me to accept it. Honestly, Davey, you’s known him for months. How haven’t ya realized yet?”

“You mean it’s one of the Newsies?”

Everyone groaned.

“Davey, who’s the one person who pops into your head when you think ‘bout love?” Romeo asked, “Just off the top of your head?”

Davey didn’t want to admit who his first thought was.

“I don’t know,” he lied, “In my defense, I didn’t even consider it bein’ a boy before today.”

“When ya find your soulmate, you know,” Blink said firmly, “It’s undeniable. Ya don’t know how ya know, but ya do. If you’s felt that and seen that color and still don’t know who it is, you’s the biggest dumbass in New York.”

Romeo swatted in Blink’s direction, “Lighten up, Blink. It’s cute in a frustratin’ kind of way.”

“Maybe we shouldn’t tell him,” Ike said mischeviously, “This is better’n watchin’ Race pine over Spot and yet not tell him that the light blue on his wrist is him.”

Race rolled his eyes, “Like you tellin’ Hotshot right outta the gate worked. He avoided ya for 6 months after findin’ out that stupid purple mark was you.”

“It ain’t that purple, Racer. It’s mostly blue.”

“Still don’t go with Brooklyn’s red shirts all that well.”

Davey ignored the others breaking up the budding argument in favor of trying to think. One face did pop into his mind whenever he thought about love, but there was no way he was that lucky.

“Think, Davey,” Jojo urged as soon as the group got back on track.

“Yeah,” Race agreed, “Who’s the one person with a soul like the sky?”

Davey really didn’t want to admit it, but he knew.

The sky was always there when you looked up to see it as Jack Kelly was always there for his friends when they needed him.

“Jack,” he whispered, and the others grinned.

“So, what are ya waitin’ for?” Mike asked, “Go get the boy!”

“I can’t,” Davey protested, “He might be my soulmate, but there’s no way I’m his! He’s courted Sarah and Katherine!”

“That ain’t how it works, Davey,” Blink said, “Yeah, Jack courted Katherine and Sarah, but do ya really think that periwinkle stripe on Kath’s wrist is for him? Or the pinkish-red on Sarah’s, huh? That’s real Jack-like, is it?”

“Just cause Sarah or Kath ain’t Jack’s soulmate doesn’t mean his is a boy,” Davey pointed out, “Jack doesn’t even like boys!”

Albert rolled his eyes, “Ya really think that?”

“I know he don’t.”

“Davey, let me tell ya somethin’,” Ike said, “Just cause Jack likes girls don’t mean he doesn’t like boys. It ain’t gotta be one or the other.”

“Ya think I only flirt with one?” Romeo asked.

Now that Davey was thinking about it, Romeo and Race pretty much flirted with everyone.

Race laughed, “I don’t think we’s ever told him that Jack and Spot was a thing, did we?”

“They what now?”

“It didn’t last long,” Romeo laughed, “Barely a week, and I thinks it was just angrily makin’ out, but it happened.”

“That was a weird week,” Jojo agreed.

“He had a crush on Specs a few years ago,” Ike added, “That was ‘fore Romeo came along, of course.”

Mike started laughing even harder than he already was, making Jojo smile all sappy at him, “I remember that!”

Davey tried to process this new information.

“Point is,” Blink said, “Jack likes girls and boys. And we’s known him a lot longer than you.”

“The color on his wrist definitely ain’t for Kath or Sarah,” Race summed up.

“What... what is it?”

Race patted his knee, “For that answer, you’ll have to ask Jackie Boy, himself.”

“Ask me what?”

The other boys exchanged delighted glances as Jack walked in, a bit of paint on his cheek from spending some time at Medda’s theatre.

“Look at the time,” Jojo said, ignoring the fact that he did not have a watch, “I think we’d best be gettin’ to bed.”

Mike raised an eyebrow suggestively, making Jojo swat his arm in exasperation, but the two of them left in the same direction, hand in hand.

“Just remembered,” Race said, popping to his feet, “I told Spot I’d spend the night in Brooklyn. Gotta go if I wanna not be walkin’ in the dark.”

“Mind if I come with?” Ike asked.

“The more the merrier! I’m sure Hotshot’ll be happy to see ya.”

“Make good choices,” Jack said pointedly, but he didn’t stop them, indicating that those pairings really had been going on for a while.

God, how many times had Ike or Race or both blatantly said they were going to Brooklyn when they left a card game or hangout? How was Davey just noticing this now?

Blink, Albert, and Romeo quickly made up bullshit excuses to leave.

Davey didn’t miss how Romeo mouthed a quick ‘good luck’ to him as he went out the door.

Unfortunately, neither did Jack.

“So, what’s that about?” he asked, seeming more amused than suspicious or anything.

“We was just talkin’ about something,” Davey said, feeling strangely awkward.

“What kind of somethin’?”

“Um... soulmates. That kind of thing.”

“Oh.”

The air between them was charged suddenly.

“What about ‘em?” Jack asked, sitting down next to Davey.

“Um...” Davey took a deep breath, “About how they think they know who mine is.”

Jack didn’t look him in the eye, and his response was almost too quiet to hear.

“Who?”

For some reason, Davey couldn’t outright just say it.

He turned his wrist so that Jack could see his mark, bright, vibrant blue.

He thought maybe something like recognition flashed through the other boy’s eyes.

“It’s someone who’s always there when the people he loves need him,” Davey said softly, “You know how you can always look up and see the sky if ya need to? He’s like that.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. It’s one of the things I like most about him.”

“What if he wasn’t?” Jack muttered, “What if there was a day the people he loved needed to see the sky more than ever and it wasn’t there?”

Davey remembered the terror after the first day of the strike. Crutchie was arrested, everyone was hurt, and few of the fellas were still MIA. Davey only had a few bruises, so he and a couple others had had to go find them.

Davey remembered finding Elmer unconscious in an alley. He remembered Buttons’s worry when he managed to wake him up and drag him back to the Lodging House, how panicked he’d obviously been, and now was wondering if those two had something going on.

That day, everyone had needed Jack, and he wasn’t there. That was true. They’d had to rely on Davey and Race and whoever else was unhurt enough to help them, then later, Katherine, when she showed up and nobody asked how she got that much medical supplies.

But every other day since then that Davey had been with the Newsies, Jack had been there, tirelessly comforting his friends after bad dreams, patching up scraped knees, making sure everybody had food in their stomachs and a roof over their heads. And he didn’t always have enough time to take care of everyone, but he sure did his damn best.

Davey reached over and intertwined Jack’s fingers with his own.

To his relief, the other boy squeezed back, just a little.

“Maybe he needs to take care of himself, too, once in a while,” he said, “Maybe everyone survived without the sky for a little bit, so there was no harm done. And Jackie... that was months ago. It doesn’t change the fact that you’ve been there every day since long before the strike and every day since then.”

Jack was silent for a second before he exhaled sharply and shoved his arm in Davey’s direction.

The strip of color on his wrist was clear blue. It was the sky on ice cold clear winter days. It was the cover of a book with characters you could relate to. It was a shade of paint Davey had seen in Jack’s backdrops many times.

Davey didn’t really know why, but the color was undeniably him.

“Jack...”

Jack looked at him, his eyes as soft as the tone in Davey’s voice.

“I knew since day one.”

“Why didn’t ya say anything?”

“I didn’t wanna scare you.”

Davey laughed, “Jack Kelly, if there is one thing you’ve never been to me, it’s scary.”

It was true. Jack had always felt safe, even when Davey was trying to avoid him out of pride.

Unfortunately, safe was the last thing whatever this thing between them was.

“How does it work?”

“What?”

“How does it work?” Davey repeated, “How do they do it? Race and Spot. Mike and Jojo. Blink and Mush. All the other pairs.”

“They be careful,” Jack answered, “If needed, the rest of us try and help cover for ‘em.”

“Can you be careful?”

A smile formed on Jack’s lips, “I know you can... how do ya think I stayed out of the Refuge so long after escapin’?”

Davey rolled his eyes. Jack still liked to bring up his grand escape.

“Hey, Davey... can I try something?”

Davey’s heart was in his throat. His chest was so tight he could barely breathe.

Still, he nodded.

Blink had said that when you met your soulmate, you knew.

Davey didn’t think he’d known before now. At least, not consciously.

But he definitely knew now, because it felt right. He knew because Jack’s lips against his own was the most natural thing in the world.

He didn’t think he’d ever want to kiss anyone else.

He didn’t know how he hadn’t always known that Jack was his soulmate.

Because the color on his wrist was Jack, and the color in Jack’s was him. They were quite literally made for each other.

[violetwolfraven]

I’d Find You Again

Remember how I said I was gonna participate in No Content November?

So yeah, I am doing that, but this one fic of mine has been getting pretty consistent comments, so I kept it up and I just finished it!

It’s the javid Anastasia AU that absolutely nobody asked for!!! There’s also background newsbians and sprace and a bit of belmerttons!!!

Anyway it’s done now so please read it, people!!!

...

Here’s a preview:

“So, what’s your name?” Sarah asked.

Jack was about to answer when he noticed how Davey stiffened, staring right at his sister.

“Saz, no,” he said, “No.”

“Give him a chance,” Sarah said reproachfully before turning back to Jack, “So, your name?”

“I...” Jack shook his head, “I don’t know.”

Both looked confused at that as they exchanged a glance.

“You don’t know?” Davey asked.

“They gave me a name at the hospital—Jack—when I was about 15 or 16, but... they said I have amnesia. There was nothing they could do about it.”

Jack had learned to interpret expressions pretty accurately, but he couldn’t read the next look the siblings exchanged. It made him a bit nervous.

“Tell us what you do remember,” Sarah said as she and Davey sat down on the couch.

Read the rest here!

[mar-bluu]

Week 2 Day 1- Amnesia AU

Asjdkfldja i was gonna do fics but writing takes me like a billion years so im gonna try headcanons for the first time?????? Enjoy??

Trigger Warnings: seizures, amnesia, head injuries

Belmerttons Amnesia AU

So

A little bit of background info

Buttons and Elmer had been dating for roughly six years, but had known each other about eight

Elmer works at a local animal shelter while Buttons does costume design for a small-ish television company

ANYWAY!

They lived in a (very slightly shabby) apartment with a balcony that Elmer would stand on and watch the birds hop around and do their thing both in the morning and at night

Occasionally he would sit out there with breakfast and/or dinner

But one day

The worn down structures just had enough

And the balcony collapsed

With Elmer and his breakfast crashing down with it

Luckily, one of their neighbors was walking their dog and rushed over to help

Not so luckily, Elmer knocked his head pretty pretty badly

So badly that he went into an atonic seizure

The neighbor, the responsible human they are, called an ambulance, who took him to the nearest hospital

Meanwhile, Buttons was over on the other side of the city, enjoying his totally average day

Until he recieves a phone call from the same neighbor who called the ambulance, filling him in on the situation

So naturally

Buttons F R E A K E D

Cause his boyfriend just fell three stories and had a seizure!!!

So he books it to the hospital right away

When he gets there Elmer's up and talking (yayy!) But he's unable to have visitors cause he was undergoing physical and cognitive evaluation (noo!)

But Buttons is more than happy to wait, as long as Elmer was getting the treatment he needed

So he waited through the general information tests

And the reflexes and balance tests

And the MRI

And by then Buttons was dying to see his boyfriend!!

However,

Unfortunately for the both of them, Elmer has been diagnosed with retrograde amnesia

Meaning he has little to no recollection of the last four to five years :(

Naturally, this isnt the greatest news for either Elmer or Buttons, but they are determined to get through it together

Elmer only remembers a year or so of their relationship, but he refuses to let this hinder him going forward, and he knows that Buttons is there for him if he needs it

It takes about 9 months for things to return to semi-normality

Elmer has to be re-introduced to a few friends (mainly from work) that he had trouble with remembering, and a few skills/hobbies that he'd picked up. But Elmer counted that as a positive, as it meant for more time with Buttons as they relearned how to cook pastries and other things

Speaking of work, Elmer's unable to return to the animal shelter for another few months, which annoys him, cause he's raring to get right back into work

However Buttons is a little less enthusiastic, as he doesnt want to overwhelm Elmer with too much information

Also, while Elmer doesnt really remember the accident, he's developed a horrible fear of heights.

He also has anxiety revolving around what he doesnt remember, and the pressure that he feels that he's putting Buttons through :(

However, he's working through his fears with Buttons, and still doesn't plan on letting it interfere with their lives

To pull a gotdam u turn and go back to Elmer's work- as both a compromise and a way to help soothe Elmer's anxiety, Buttons and Elmer adopted a lovely elderly black and white cat from the animal shelter

Her name is Lucy, who Elmer calls Lucy Lou or Lula

She's very sweet and had been struggling to find a home for a while, so naturally they grabbed the sweet little kitty the second they were able to

Lucy loves to curl up on Elmer's lap and purr, and snuggle up with him, which makes him melt every time

When Buttons goes off to work and Elmer is left alone, she's a wonderful companion for him and when Elmer has a panic attack, she helps to ground him

So they're a lovely match for each other :)

As another 180, Elmer and Buttons have a very clear nighttime routine, which usually consists of, them taking turns in making dinner each night, then watch some tv, usuay have dessert, then head to bed

Usually filled with a shit load of cuddling

It helps Elmer feel like he's s somewhat in control of his life

But yeah! Dealing with his amnesia is difficult, but both Buttons and Elmer find ways to work around it together 💖

Akskskkdks okay this is obscenely long and probably annoying so im gonna wrap it up now! These are kinda shitty but its a first attempt so cant really expect much aaskfks okay have a good day!! :3

(@watchwhathappensfromafar)

[broadwaycantdie]

Trans HCs! - Newsies (Pride) Month . Day 7

( belmerttons ) + ( fluff ) + ( modern )

a/n: if you’re trans pls lmk if i’m doing these right, i don’t want to offend anyone, i just want to include them, so feedback would be really helpful, y’all deserve the world <3

also i wanted to make this soft and happy,, trans people go through so much hate and descrimination so i like to give some fluffy stories cause they deserve it, i love y’all c:

warnings: i’m not trans! but i’m trying // none

background: Buttons and El have been dating for a long time. They are both transitioned from male to female and have helped each other through everything and especially into becoming exactly who they want to be. Their lives aren’t perfect, but they have each other.

——————————————————————————

el let her hair grow out and oh my did it grow FAST

while buttons hair just barely hovers above her shoulders

el’s hair is almost past her chest

and CURLY

so very very dark and thick and curly

buttons loves it

she runs her fingers through it and likes tracing the circles in little patterns

she often ties it half up with a little bow

letting the shorter bits of hair stay loose and tucking them behind her ears

el also loves buttons hair

it’s completely straight and light and thin

the exact opposite of el’s

but it’s so so soft, el can’t keep her hands off

her hair is so nice to touch

she cut herself thin little bangs and her hair bounces whenever she moves

she looks like a cartoon character

but in a cute way

el has spent her whole life wearing pants and she’s over it

so she wears dresses and skirts

all the time

people only barely see her in pants

when she does they are leggings or softly colored loose fabric pants

she doesn’t like jeans or khakis

similarly, buttons also always wore pants

but she still likes them

she’ll wear nicely fitted jeans that are cuffed at the bottom

or pantsuits

or tight fabric pants

and sometimes she’ll wear a dress if it’s a special occasion

but she’s more comfortable in what she’s use to and that’s pants

growing up, el’s family occasionally went to the ballet

and she loved it

see, el knew she was different from a young age

she just couldn’t put her finger on exactly what it was until she got older and learned

but she knew she wanted to be a ballerina

she wanted to look like those girls on stage

they were the poster-girls of femininity and elegance

that’s what she wanted

she asked her parents to put in ballet but at the time they didn’t have the money for lessons

she spent her childhood dancing around and trying to follow what she remembered from the shows she saw

it wasn’t until later when she realized not only did she want to be a ballerina but she was a girl

she felt such a connection with them and she finally figured out why

after getting together, el told buttons this story and ever since they’ve been going to the ballet whenever possible

it’s a fond memory in both of their minds

buttons spent her childhood watching her mother sew and being fascinated by clothes

she wanted to be a fashion designer

but that wasn’t a “man’s job” according to her father

that didn’t stop her though

it wasn’t until an argument broke out when buttons told her family she was, is, and always has been a girl

she was ready, but she preferred to talk than yell

unfortunately, that’s just not how her family worked

there was tension between her and her father but the rest of her family took it about as well as they could’ve

not perfect, but they tried

lots of questions, lots of answers

her oldest sister did teach her how to sew properly and helped her with her fashion dreams

she is now a seamstress with her own shop downtown and el couldn’t be prouder

she also couldn’t be prouder in herself

buttons is a tall girl

well, kinda

el is a very short girl

the difference is a few inches

buttons thinks it’s adorable but el always tries to be taller

she wears heels when they go out but can’t walk correctly in them so she clings to buttons arm for support

buttons doesn’t mind though

she thinks it’s cute

el is still shorter even in heels

buttons, however, is a master at walking in heels

so she teaches el

it’s a long process but she eventually kinda gets it

el is just really clumsy even in flats, so heels are a big challenge

but she tries and buttons supports her

the biggest reason el wants to wear heels—bedsides being taller, she doesn’t even really care about that—is because she wants to feel like a princess

el has always loved princesses

and buttons knows that

so whenever she is being particularly romantic or cutesy or just wants to make her feel good, buttons will call her girlfriend “princess”

and she melts every time

buttons, as a kid, loved dressing up dolls

she adored their outfits and partically barbie’s style through the decades

so buttons gets called “doll” by her love

it makes her feel dainty and cute

she loves it

el absolutely cannot go out anywhere without ripping her clothes

no one knows how she does it but she comes home everyday with a full tear, a ripped hem, or a loose button

luckily she is dating a seamstress

it really comes in handy

like all the time

both of them take hormones and have seen a huge change from when they first met

in particular, their voices

el naturally had a higher and softer voice than buttons but the hormones made it even more feminine

she sung a lot so having a good voice was important

el’s voice was exactly where she wanted it to be—a soprano

the range she always dreamt of having

buttons, however, had a naturally deeper voice

el got her into singing, so she wanted a higher voice to match her girlfriends

but even on hormones she was an alto

she didn’t have a problem with alto’s

she just wanted a higher range

el assures her that altos are perfect and they are the perfect pair for a soprano because opposites attract

they like duets together

when it particularly bothers her, el gives buttons little lessons on how to make her voice higher in a safe way

they have gone through a lot together already

and they will both gladly go through anything and everything else hand in hand

they love each other so much

they are girlfriends and hopefully future wives

neither of them wouldn’t want it any other way

[broadwaycantdie]

Lesbian Belmerttons - Newsies (Pride) Month . Day 14

( hc ) + ( royalty au )

a/n: y’all are probably tired of me writing about this ship but whatever cause i would die for them, but just so y’all don’t get bored imma switch it up a bit and do the royalty thing cause i would also die for that plot-line

warnings: none

background: Both Princess Beatrice Alexandria Diana Victoria Elizabeth Davenport and Princess Eleanor Sophia Cecelia Isabella Philippa Kasprzak are to be married. The only thing is, they haven’t met yet. They are both extremely nervous to meet the other one on their big day. This could go completely wrong or completely right. I guess they’ll find out.

——————————————————————————

Princess Beatrice Alexandria Diana Victoria Elizabeth Davenport, better known by her nickname—Buttons—was soon to be queen of her kingdom

Princess Eleanor Sophia Cecelia Isabella Philippa Kasprzak, better known by her nickname—El—was also about to be queen, however, it wouldn’t be of her own kingdom

El was the youngest child, meaning it was her duty to be married off and sent to another place

Buttons was the eldest, meaning she had to take over the role of queen when the time came

and that time was quickly approaching

the king and queen of each respective kingdom exchanged a plan and agreement to marry their daughters

deals were made and engagements were arranged

Buttons and El never got to meet before the day came

their parents just told them what was happening and they respected that

that’s just how things were done

much as it has been for many years before them

they were just lucky their collective wishes to marry another princess were made

Buttons had never shown any sign of being ill-prepared to take over the kingdom

alongside her parents, she took charge, lead her people, and kept the peace

her parents knew she would be ready to rule

usually, the eldest boy would take over, making a new king

but times were different and no one could run the kingdom like Buttons

her parents just couldn’t say no

and being the king and queen, they were allowed to change the rules

the day of their wedding came

it was nerve wracking for the both of them

not only had these two never met, but there was cameras, officers, officials, other kingdoms, and general people everywhere

this was a large event and everything had to be perfect

El got ready in her own room

she knew as soon as she left cameras would follow her

so she had to look “wedding-ready” as soon as she stepped out

her dressers brought a dress fit for a queen with jewelry and accessories to match

she was known for her extravagant and very elegant dresses—but this one had to be the best

her handmaid laid out the most gorgeous dress she’s ever seen

it was a white ball gown with lace sleeves the connected at her chest, it had a heart shaped chest cover that kept her collarbones exposed and lead into a tulle skirt with matching lace accents that lead to the floor and trailed behind

it was fluffy but not too wide as to not be able to sit down

her makeup was light and fresh—she kept a soft presence about her

her hair remained in its natural curly state, only fixing up the messiness and leaving it down behind her back

she put on a few accessories here and there

a diamond necklace with matching earrings, a silver bracelet, and the main piece—the veil

her veil was placed under her current and most exquisite tiara and ran down her back, well past the end of her hair

she slid on her heels

they sprakled in the sun as they were shimmery silver and they fit as though she was cinderella; perfectly

El was ready

she walked out of her room and down the stairs to see her parents waiting for her

they couldn’t believe their little girl had grown up to be a beautiful woman

after a moment of awe, they got in their carriage and headed off

oppositely, Buttons was known for her simple and professional attire

but this was her wedding

and damnit she wanted for once to not have to worry about being the eldest and looking professional and running things

just for a moment

she didn’t know when a moment like that would come again

her dress formed to her body like it was painted on

it was all white with lace all throughout, her back was exposed down past the middle and it had a gradual mermaid trail that was pure lace once it hit the floor and dragged behind her

she put on big silver earrings and a matching statement necklace

her shoes were hidden but heeled high enough to make sure she didn’t trip on her gown

she put on her tiara and a shortened veil—she wasn’t one for the trail to hit the floor—so hers went to her back, semi-covering what was exposed

she put her long hair up in a simple updo and really made her makeup pop—she kept it classy but far more noticeable than El’s

she wanted to make a final statement before she was no longer “Princess Beatrice” but soon “Queen Beatrice”

when El arrived, the press was all over her

the ceremony was set beautifully

no expense was spared for this moment

but neither of them really cared for how it looked

the only thing they really wanted to see was each other

Buttons went down the isle first, as it was her kingdom

when she got to the alter, she began to feel the nerves

what if the princess they picked was mean to her? or hated animals? or didn’t brush their teeth?

she didn’t care much for looks, but she was worried she would get stuck with a bad person and then it would reflect upon her country as well as making her life miserable

Buttons was told to always keep her head held high, so no matter how nervous or panicked she felt, that’s what she did

she picked her head up and kept a soft smile

the music began

this was the moment they were both waiting for

the doors opened once again and El was there—in arm with her father

they made eye contact

for the first time

El began her journey down the isle but couldn’t get her eyes off Buttons

and vise versa

El’s father let her go at the end, leaving her to be part of a new kindgom, and signifying the end of the life she’s known

when El stepped up to the alter she kept her eyes locked on Buttons

all of their worries and insecurities melted away and in this moment everything was okay

Buttons knew that El would be exactly the right person to help run their new kingdom

and El knew that Buttons was exactly who El has been looking for

maybe their parents finally got it right