#bc i think its sad that its not common anymore

[spacebugarts]

Please leave your answers in the tags if yours isn't here/you have multiple/its a specific shade, and if you choose to reply "vanilla extract" please also include a color response! I'm genuinely curious!

[toastsnaffler]

anyway yeah relevant to that post abt being deaf/hoh and ppl excluding u from conversation bc of it (even unintentionally), that's smth that's been really deeply bothering me lately bc there are a few ppl I routinely have to deal with who do it a lot and it Pisses Me The Fuck Off I've lost all patience w them. giving up and calling it ableism and walking out idc anymore 🚶‍♂️

[squishe]

i am tipsyposting to distract from the overstimulation of this restaurant sorry for the dash spam. reminder that i love u all so much

[dexaroth]

it's kind of a fun move to make my very very personal blog also the one I post my drawings on

ive purposefully done it to not create that kind of environment where it's just an account posting art, a one-dimensional abstract thing that's so detached that if I were to post something like 'teehee I tried to off myself so I'm opening comms to pay the bills' it'd be met with utmost surprise bc it'd break the illusion yknow?

but sometimes I do want some drawings to not have context. to be as impersonal as a vintage figure whose sculptor has never been fully known or a golden locket with the picture of someone who you don't know anything about

I want both, to be honest. it's always been a struggle of the need of external validation but also to not want to taint everything with myself

I want to draw a pet portrait for someone and not have it be judged with all the ramblings and half-jokes about how everything sucks every now and then.

I want to draw a guy being mechanically separated for no reason and not have it show up besides someone's pet portrait and having to explain to the average person I don't even know why I like gore so much besides rendering it is fun

it's all like a cycle of making it clear who is behind the art for context but also sometimes wanting everything to speak for itself and wanting a sort of pure reaction to it

and it culminates into that overly familiar feeling.. of wanting to be consistent. to have a feel, a look that you can maybe hope someone will identify as yours.. and the question is always the same - for what? why? why does it matter?

if anything the first thing I'd ever say to someone who remotely showed interest in art and wanted to know my side of it is that nothing matters and everything is subjective and that there will always be people who see too much meaning where there isn't and people who miss the point entirely. and that diversity is just as good as quality and not a binary switch that you have to pick for the rest of your life. and that often by trying to achieve perfection you just end up dumping what gave your art a personal touch because it wasn't absolutely on par with the version of you that you so desperately want people to identify you with or the vibe you want to give off or whatever else

it's kind of a problem that also has different connotations depending on the way wherever you post works, too

on devart and I think insta too favorites and likes are the easiest way to show a kind of support that happens to streamline everything into images on a page instead of actually taking in most detail, the title or description or lack thereof, maybe even a message or line or music lyric intended to aid in the perception.. that ends up getting completely ignored because it takes extra effort to do. and it gets exponentially worse the more people you follow

then, well.. tumblr. because of the way the posts are organized and at least show captions it has a bit of a leg up, but then the sideblog stuff comes up. posts 95% of the time only give traction to the account that posted it, so a sideblog where you reblog your art is pretty much just a gallery for the convenience of whoever follows them. if you post on that sideblog however, then that facilitates no one visiting your main and just looking at the drawings, leading to the art-artist detachment as it is also plenty of extra steps and effort

then, independently, the path you choose is hard to undo. choose to be unknown and be bound to the façade you have to keep and not break your persona, or put all bits of yourself out to the public and there will forever be an image/ background version of you that will contextualize everything you do

try to turn around and choose to hide and it will put people off and affect how some will look at your new stuff now that you're less of a social butterfly because of the instinct of curiosity and wanting to know what happened , choose to show yourself and now you're too real and people don't want to associate with you because of the things you express or how it hits different knowing x and y or just not caring about you enough to be bothered to keep up with your life with sporadic drawings inbetween

it's all ironically about your own self-image and knowing others who know you

oh and it just hit me the financial side of things too. but that's too much for me rn and it's sort of a bonus to my point anyways

idk man. I feel like I'm having a stroke while an influencer tries to explain branding to me

[caffstrink]

Outside of the fact that he's evil, how do you feel about Belos character wise ?

Honestly i like him as a villain a lot. I find him to be a much better/more disturbing villain than other villain characters from mature media, and honestly this says a lot considering he comes from a pg13 show from disney channel. the evil dictator character archetype is common in a lot of media nowadays but belos isn't given the same treatment, he doesn't have his actions justified by some sad backstory or trauma that makes peoppe think hes misunderstood, but at the same time, he's not dehumanized to just becoming some cardboard cutout of an Evil Guy Who Commits Genocide For No Reason whose only purpose is to serve as the antagonizing force for the plot.

The show gives us reasons to why he is the way he is, yet at the same time, none of it excuses the cruelties he's done. His puritan upbringing from the 1600s colonial america and attachment to his only family member made him fully believe caleb had been kidnapped by a witch rather than accept he had willingly gone to the demon realm to elope with evelyn (and if the memory paintings are right, phillip was a teenager around the time so this even checks out- he'd rather believe caleb was taken from him than accept that in a way, he was being abandoned) and yet, despite his close mindedness that sees everything in the demon realm as inheretly evil, he still uses himself as a sacrifice to ensure he'd "save" humanity by killing all witches. He willingly puts himself through absurd amounts of pain and suffering from cursed magic he literally carved into his skin, he mutilates his ears to look like a witch, spends decades perfecting both glyph and sigil magic, as well as building up his reputation among the masses, rather than simply being born into power and ruling with an iron fist bc he inherited the spot. Both his actions and as well physical form aren't even human anymore. But he's so delusional he sees all of this as worth it.

And ohh boy the grimwalker thing. Like what the fuck. Dude not only killed his brother, but also decided to close him, raise him, abuse him, and then kill him, hundreds and possibly thousands of times. Like man. Makima got nothing on this. Muzan got nothing on this. The joker got nothing on this dude. Sure, other villains may have higher body counts but that matters jack shit when all villains are out there killing people. This is some level of derangement id expect from some rated M series, not from a disney cartoon that can barely show blood (which just goes to show gore and violence doesn't make your series deep)

When you consider all the shit hes pulled to be in his position i think its impossible not to be impressed. The devil works hard but belos works harder, gotta give him that

On the other side of the coin, i find memeing him hilarious

[velvetstreets]

https://www.tumblr.com/velvetstreets/750935310625538048/out-of-curiosity-why-how-did-you-move-on-from

Thank for answering this, I really appreciate it!! I’m still in my obsessed with Jack era so I need to hear what helped other ppl move out of it lol I need to not be so obsessed with him 😫

Can you pls elaborate on the things he said, shared or did that gave you childish vibes? And anything else that helped you stop being obsessed with him plsss? 🙏🏼 I need help lol

Thank you soooo much! I appreciate it and respect your opinion. Hope you’re having a great day!

LMAOO no worries 🫶🫶 hahah it’s okay to be in the obsessed era! I was there for a long time

🚨warning for mutuals, Jack Harlow criticism under the cut, read at your own will! 🚨

I don’t know if I can really pinpoint the childish vibes, just the way he tends to avoid talking about serious topics (in person/interviews) and turns to humor (which isn’t totally a bad thing, he likes to keep the vibes light which I get and it’s an attractive trait) but idk his team/a lot of the people he keeps around him are……… not good people lol

He’s very big on keeping the same circle/bringing people with him up on his success journey, big on loyalty- but like… sometimes it’s good to move on from people in your life. Especially when some of those people are just bad. KY Engineering (one of his close producers) and Nemo his creative advisor have previously stated horrible misogynistic takes on Black women several times, and their attitude towards women in general are…………….. yeah

And for someone like Jack who loves to boast about how much he loves and respects women it… yeah! Idk he often gives me a vibe of his morals are in the right place but he’s not one to correct his homeboys publicly at the end of the day- especially if there are no women present.

(This part isn’t childish, more just sad and upsetting) He also continuously told the story of how he lost his virginity during his last tour which was so horrible bc it was clear the girl he lost it to groomed him :(((( and he/the people around him don’t see that/understand that because its common as a man to be proud that you “bagged” an older girl and it’s like…. Baby lemme hold ur hand and tell you no it’s not…

And he spoke on the Megan the Stallion/Tory L*nez incident and didn’t remove Tory off his song unlike other (female) artists, saying he didn’t feel like it was his place to speak on Tory’s actions, but hoped that Megan was doing okay which was so???????????????????? Like I don’t understand how you can acknowledge she was shot and say that you know you’re a good person and have integrity but then keep her abuser and the man that tried to kill her on your song…. The math is not mathing!!!!!

I just… he has some evolving and learning and growing up to do, and I felt like me personally I fell out of love w him bc we’re the same age and I couldn’t understand how he was not consciously on the same wavelength in terms of mentality ya know :/

I still think he’s a good rapper and makes good music, and I think he’s continuing to evolve mentally (his 3rd album showed more of that), and I don’t believe he’s a bad person at his core, but the lack of action/opinion in certain areas just made me wake up and was like oh i don’t love him like that anymore

But also he’s a white man from Kentucky so I shouldn’t have expected much from him in the first place lmao that’s my fault!

(as a black woman w academic parents and from a socialist environment I forget that people… don’t have/grow up with the same mindset? And then that makes itself known and I get shook lmao)

(P.S. I don’t blame or judge others for liking him still!! His aura is very charming and likable I completely understand, I just personally lost interest in him that way)

[afaramir]

1, 10, 23 for the ask game

heyyy long time no see 2 u as well...i hope u are doing well<3

1. the character everyone gets wrong

well one might be able to guess who i will say here. keep your hands and feet inside the rant at all times. denethor my dearly beloved...my prince of nuance...my darling victim of the narrative....i mean one thing i CAN say for peter jackson is that he did succeed at creating a laughingstock of a villain because most of the particularly egregious shit (tomato scene/flaming run/gandalf staff bonk) IS like. jesus christ i hate to admit it but it is funny. you hear about it for the first time and you HAVE to laugh. unfortunately i have developed the opposite of a sense of humour whenever im faced with denethor jokes. i am physically incapable of finding any of it funny anymore. i just get mad. its all just jesus christ the same yesterday today and forever. you all are smart enough to be funnier than this. its almost like sometimes your emotions towards other people are complicated and sometimes they are even contradictory. and sometimes EVEN you can fail to express either side of the coin in an easily understandable way. like i really understand not liking him after like considering how his crazy brain processes his relationship with his sons. like it is. well it is not objectively insane it is totally rational but rather perhaps an insane thing TO DO. but i simply think that some people are not willing to put in the work of thinking and resort to inanity and the same three overused gags to dismiss an incredibly complicated complex character to nothing more than a caricature. obviously i have more opinions but i've written thousands of words about those already. fucking. goodnight

10. worst part of fanon

i dont even know if i should say anything otherwise ill write another 500 words. um. sad little faramir i guess. its so common in fic portrayal and im tired of it. and then faramir's restraint gave way dot mp4. he did NOT blame boromir's death on his own father for this shit!

23. ship you've unwillingly come around to

oh man this one might be controversial but actually i AM going to say farawyn. not in the way that i didn't like them before but just that i was totally indifferent bc i didn't Understand. without like. i didnt have the context of his mother's mantle about her shoulders and he kissed her on the walls in the sight of many and very well as i am not a king and to make ithilien a garden where things shall only grow.......I Didn't Understand. i get it now.

[a-friend-of-mara]

Forewarning I kinda went off

If you're fine but not fine but you'll say you're good even tho you're not bc you can't be fucked/don't have the energy to get into it maybe just scroll by

Can't wait to get the "Hey Mara, you good?" Messge from the one person on here who gives a shit about my mental health

Hot take

If we saw 4 ads in a day instead of 400 then we might actually care about some of them

When I say ad, I mean billboards, signs, on your news websites, YouTube, Facebook (fuck Facebook), hell even on here

I just don't care anymore

I've had so many ads shoved in my face now *any* ad makes me angry

Even the ads for the animal shelter with the sad music and the black and white slomo footage of dogs in cages with a voice over about dying dogs

I just get frustrated!

I can't care about everything!

I don't care that you market your toothbrush as revolutionary!

I don't care about the latest car's gas mileage!

I don't care what movies are coming out!

I don't care!

It's so many all the time! IMPORTANT IMPORTANT IMPORTANT

SHUT UP!

I fucking hate ads now

I'm fuckin 18

When I was 12 they were "mild annoyance"

Fuck of with your political campaigns

Fuck off with your shovelware bullshit

Fuck off with your ads that might as well he softcore pornogropgy

Why is this acceptable?!

"Mara there's bigger issues in the world"

I goddam know that

Just because an adult has a prosthetic leg doesn't magicaly make their kid falling off their bike hurt any less!

Fuck I'm so tired all this bullshit

The earth is on fire!

People are dying in pointless wars to maintain their rights to exist!

There are countries where being who you are means being 6 feet under in an unmarked grave

There are "loved ones" who would put those they "loved" in those graves

Your children, my brothers, sisters, and siblings. We have to practice in school what to do if there's someone with a gun at the school.

This is "normal"

We practice what to do if someone wants to kill us

Our leadership made owning your own body impossible for a good chunk of its citizens

We are spied on by companies, corporate entities, data brokers, and by governments

We don't matter individually to them

News companies will broadcast and air tragic news about the passing of parents and siblings, someone who was someone else's everything dead from an act of pure selfish violence, an act of unrivaled negligence, a disease they had no hope to conquer

They broadcast these stories, not so the common viewer may hear, but for people to tune in, so more people see the ads they show

So the company makes money

I am fully capable of intelligent thought, discussion, and analytical thinking

I choose not to

If I do I spiral

Because the world is fucked

Our world fucked and we can do nothing!

MY WORLD IS FUCKED AND I CAN DO NOTHING BUT WAIT AND WATCH AS IT BURNS

THE WORST PART IS THAT I HAVE HOPE!

Some wish some part of me still alive from when I believed everything was right and just and simple

That hope that something might change

Put out the fires

Worst of all

I don't know if the hope is false

[ssreeder]

WE’RE BACK IN BUSINESS BABYYYYYY

hi sreedie :3

fuck you sreedie no zukka cuddles >:(

but also… maybe not fuck you, it depends on what we DO get in this chapter… you’re on THIN ICE

on another note, I love jee <3

surely just like employ some of the kyoshi warriors to be dishwashers??

pls tell me why when rasu was like “I can sniff whatever I want” I immediately went COCAINE T-T

oh ?? jee what did you DO omg spill bestie

I KNEW jee was a slay, he’s also sus of iroh’s methods

LMAO jee wdym you “know that prince zuko was not into men” literally HOW would you know that information T-T

but anyways yes I’m loving that the hair touching is making a COMEBACK bc I absolutely adore how the fire nation views hair and all the glorious nuances that come with it ughhhhhh… now I’m mad again about shen being dead bc his reaction to the haircut sitch was ICONIC

YOOOOO JEE NOTICED IT TOO SREEDIE I THINK JEE MIGHT BE MY SOULMATE HE ALSO SAW HOW SOKKA HAS ABSORBED ZUKOS PERSONALITY TRAITS WHILE ZUKO IS OUT OF COMMISSION

not jee being offended about the perceived slight agains his cooking skills-

here come the iroh thoughts… I will add them at the end (or potentially in another ask??? I don’t want this to be more mammoth than usual)

OH SHIT OH NO OH FUCK OH ZUKO IS GONNA FIND OUT THAT JEE KILLED SHEN oh okay at least jee has some common sense !! good for him

LMAO not jee being a gossip queen (truly my soulmate, this is actually why we got divorced sreedie you can’t compare)

“dumpling boy” ohmygod obsessed

A TEABAG why is that fucking hilarious pls tell me you have some kind of fire nation lore behind that insult

the reading scene is so sweet ;-; and like I know from second hand experience that being read to when you can’t read yourself is a Huge Deal bc when my cousin had a major back operation our aunt read to her for HOURS daily and it literally bonded them so much. so like, very important scene sreedie you’ve got me in my feels (and I’m WAITING IMPATIENTLY for rasu and zuko to become besties again)

wow the “delivered” part is so gut wrenching. that’s really the tragedy of war isn’t it? everyone just becomes a pawn unless they’re one of the chess players themselves

LMAO not the kiddos getting into fisticuffs upstairs and disturbing one of the most politically tense conversations in the fic

OH SHIT HAKODA LETTERS OMG THE PLOT IS PLOTTING SREEDIE ITS PLOTTING

ohnooooooo stop I’m so fucking sad about hakoda and thinking katara was ignoring him on purpose STOP

ah fuck sokka trauma reveal xxxx

literally so siblings to have bled and shit on each other. something something I’ve had the worst parts of you inflicted on me but I have to love you anyway

sokka trauma time !!

damn baby’s first kill… forgot about the warden tbh

“everyone is always trying to kill zuko” so true bestie they should stop!! stop trying to kill zuko fr omg!! (read that like that one tweet where that white girl was telling isis to stop terrorism lmao)

“what sokka had experienced had layers” LIKE AN ONION please why am I unable to take anything seriously anymore it’s bad

CHANG CHANG CHANG CHANG is the chang bato ship called chato or bang OMG BANG THATS ICONIC love that we’re sticking with it

(in case it wasn’t already obvious I love chang btw)

lmao chang said end sexism in the grumpiest grouchiest way possible

ykw I’m a fan of?? the fact that hakoda has the brain to plan like sokka but the resources to plan like zuko and I think that it’s fucking hilarious

“speak for yourself I’m in fucking agony” I LOVE CHANG I DEDICATE MY LIFE TO CHANG I GIVE CHANG MY WHOLE HEART

ohohohoho sokka you are actually going to be CLOSER to zuko isn’t that dandy

omg eve ;-; our lovely forest lesbians ;-; that you MURDERED

NO ZUKKA CUDDLES BUT ZUKKA WAVE??!!?!?! call me a masochist but I’m enjoying this. anyways.

ZUKKA AND CHANG REUNION OMFG I WILL CRY especially zuko chang reunion ;-; (do Not get me started on my feelings on chang vs iroh) ((jokes I will be talking about in a soon to be sent ask))

also obsessed with sokka having active beef with jee and jee is just like… this kid needs therapy ~cue rbf~

YES MY BBYGORL AZULA READY TO FUCK SHIT UP (but yeah can she pls hold off for a tad longer thx sm <3)

okokok I’ll get onto my iroh thoughts now (in another ask.. bc uh.. this is Huge) but that’s gonna take a hot minute bc I have to become Coherent.

also no longer sick!! for now. (I probably should’ve gone to see a dr much sooner anyways but too late now ig)

HUGS KISSES AND A DRAMATIC HAIR FLIP TO BID YOU FAREWELL <333

*dances on thin ice*

OLLLOOOOO LEEKIE

Yes Jee offend the group of women warriors by asking them to come wash dishes hahaha…. Nice one leekie!

Jee sailed on a ship with Zuko for 3 years… & during that time his gaydar must have broken (I feel like we can blame Zuko for breaking it somehow)

Oh iroh…. You silly silly man <3

I think rasu reading to Zuko meant a lot to him so hopefully baby steps in the right direction ;)

Hahaha it’s ok the onion joke & the sand joke legit never stop…. Damn it media for influencing words so much.

Haha Chang iroh interaction is something I’m looking forward to. It’ll be INTERESTING ;;);)

Ok leekie I’m sorry I know I said I would respond yesterday but I’m a horrible person and this is why we’re divorced! GLAD YOURE NOT SICK ANYMORE WOHOOOO

*sprinkles germs in your food*

[cruelsister-moved2]

Im the hater anon omg i didnt mean to lead u astray but i haven't finished it i'm just over half done. i probably will finish just so i can coherently say why i don't like it bc rn my thoughts are all over the place but  u hit all the major points im like nodding and taking notes rn.  Its very shallow lore wise like its all overly complex exposition that barely effects the plot. I could write about this for 100 years but basically it was boring and i just feel like it has nothing to say like theres no purpose or message and i think speculative stuff should have SOME weight behind it idk.  That paired w how the writing itself is like..not pretty or artful or anything………………….

And on top of that its not even actually funny. Instead of real jokes its just 100 million mcu quips awkwardly inserted so that no situation is ever treated genuinely or seriously or with depth. For example. My personal least favorite part beyond general quality so far is how often they bring up gideon being inappropriately horny… idk how else to word it.. Its one of her 3 personality traits. they mention her porn collection i swear every couple of pages. its played 4 jokes but like the rest of it its literally unfunny and feels so out of place. Like this is right when they just discovered an incinerated body → ”she looked troubled, which made Gideon sad, but she was also soaked right through to the skin, which made Gideon need a lie-down.” Its like if someone whose only point of reference was tiktok during that era where every vaguely masc woman got made fun of for being a quote hey mamas lesbian unquote tried to write a masc woman.  Reading it as a masc lesbian myself is just sort of embarrassing idk if other ppl feel differently but it just feels overplayed and goofy. 

Anyways… this is all very long and incoherent but thank u for complaining and vindicating me… i started reading it a couple days ago on a whim bc ive been seeing ppl talk abt it a lot lately and i was instantly SOOOOO disappointed. Part of it was definitely that i was expecting something very different because of how people talk about it but also its just like bad. Its insane. I also had no idea abt the roachpatrol thing so ummmmmm :(

hiiiiiiiiii omg so your suffering isn't even over yet my condolences.

the worldbuilding exposition industrial complex needs to end im so serious. I just had such a nice conversation with some writer friends about soft vs hard magic systems and world-building and how frustratingly common the assumption that more complex lore you dump the more sophisticated your story is at the moment. in reality many more sophisticated stories deliberately utilise abstraction and whimsy for thematic statements. v happy for brandon sanderson fans but again, a lot of those stories are basically like mystery novels except the magic is the mystery, whereas the speculative fiction authors who... actually speculate...are often using it as a tool to speculate about our own existence.

and the writing is so ugly like I've read a couple of chapters and I feel like i could get through a mid story if it's at least well written but it wasn't even inoffensive it was actively offputting like that prose was stinkyyyyyyyyy..... and the quips exactlyyy like who is laughing at none pizza with left beef anymore and the fact a lot of it isn't even the author being witty but just like. a reference to a meme? it's literally supposed to be like gritty but then everyone is memeing and quipping all the time how are you meant to take that seriously?

and okay the like sexualisation of Gideon had kind of been my suspicion but I hadn't read enough to make that claim for certain so. that's disappointing to have it confirmed. given that the author is a fem woman who calls herself a lesbian whilst being homestuck married to a guy, it really brings up some kind of discomfort in me to be using masc women that way and making a joke out of them and their sexuality and calling them himbos and shit like. it really doesn't seem like she actually knows any masc women??? and when that was a huge part of the marketing for the book it comes to feel exploitative.

one thing to be aware is that tor like. pushed it really hard marketing-wise for whatever reason. I guess they feel it symbolises a new era of sci-fi and like were using it as an outreach effort to engage the generation that mostly only reads fan fiction or whatever which I guess cheers if it achieves that. but the majority of negative reviews are specifically that it was nothing like what they expected it to be, because of the.... super gimmicky marketing.

the tagline being sword necromancer lesbians in space or something so lame 😭 and it really seems like the elements came first and the justification came second so it's never really explained why they use swords instead of more technologically advanced weapons (bc the answer is 'it sounds cool') or really why it needs to be in space at all (because the answer is 'it sounds cool'). even the necromancy is supposedly fairly tangential and ive seen people be underwhelmed how much actual lesbianism is involved too 💀

9mbut yeah the r0ach patr0l thing I wish people were more aware of because honestly above anything else, I've seen people who were fans and then found this out and felt super uncomfortable so I think people deserve to know what kind of background she has, and this is literally where she developed her writing and her name as a BNF so it's directly connected to her current career not just like a celebrity who tweeted something dumb when they were 14. like I think it's fair to take that into account + idk it's INTERESTING to me that she went from that to debuting with a masc lesbian whom she projects like comic hypersexuality onto it really is all much to think about truly

[hoeforalbedo]

OKG I SAW UR EVENT THING AND I REALLY WANT TO JOIN IT LOOKS SO COOL AHH

OK OK SO

For my scaramouche(genshin impact)

-zodiac-sun scorpio moon aquarius

-initials are ŠC (im sorry ik its not a common one😨)

-deck-second deck, lady Aphrodite

About me- my friends say that i am very rude but i personally think that im pretty okay, i osnt know ehat to say about myself so ima just write what comes to mind

i am pretty emotional and i really love attention, like i never ask for attention bc i would feel like a attentuon seeker but i really like it, even tho only by certain people aka friends bc attention in public makes me want to throw up,Im a type of person who likes something then overobsseses and gets bored of it. My mbti is enfp but i dont quiet think its right but im lazy to redo it. I dont know anymore i hope u can work q this stay hydrated and dont overwork urself

So you got:

"I promise you it's real even if it was for a moment."

"Just kiss me one last time."

"I will choose you and only you forever."

Warning: Contains angst

A/N: I hope this is to your liking. It ended up being an angst and to be honest, this one hurts. Enjoy reading :) ps. also thank you so much i won’t overwork myself :))

Everyone tells you that Scaramouche is dangerous and that you should avoid him at all cost. Still you didn't listen and you dove head first into the spiral of love. It's already too late to stop.

Maybe if you had only listened and yet you never do. You tend to follow your heart, your ambitions, and whatever your mind comes up with. You fell in love with Scaramouche but instead you were the one to hurt him, something no one had expected.

When you both started dating, he was hesitant. He relied on you to lead him and he realized that love is not a straight line. He learned that love is a give and take. He had to care for someone again. He even learned about what you liked and disliked and he learned to reciprocate your love. Something that he pushed down deep into his heart.

Something along the way went wrong. Maybe it was because he was too preoccupied with himself. He wanted you there by his side but he also pushed you away. He was too stuck in his fears. All you asked was for him to give you the same amount of love that he once gave you but he can't do that. Not yet anyways. Just be patient for him, although who knows how long he'll be able to get out of his dark head space.

You wanted more that Scara couldn't give you. You were ready for love but he wasn't. The same love that you once had for him wilted like a flower. You didn't want to be there any longer but you didn't want to leave him. Still you didn't want to be trapped in a love that resembled more like a cage.

When you told Scaramouche that you should break off the relationship, he didn't cry nor did he feel anything. This time he had it coming. He pushed you away. He didn't give you what you needed. Scara was getting deeper into his pool of dark thoughts.

"I promise you, it's real even if it was for a moment," You assured him. You truly did love him and he needs to know that.

"Just kiss me one last time," He whispers to which you obliged. The kiss made you want to stay. It was the kiss of desperation, the kiss of sadness, and a kiss that could have been more. Once the both of you pulled away, he hugged you. "I will choose you and only you forever."

A/N: So like potential reincarnation AU??

[itstheghostofmypast]

Hey babes, what's up? How you doing?

I'm... not that great actually. Grades are coming out, and I didn't do as well as I thought, so now my mom is calling me useless *family trauma go whee*. It's just that there is so much pressure to apply to foreign universities, which always involves having perfect grades, thousands of extracurriculars, fourteen start-ups, and a cure for cancer. I'm writing some fanfics right to kinda vent before I go back to studying...

BUT HOW ARE YOU? I MISSED YOU SMMM

Okay, so, I'm going to get straight to the point. It has been years. No, bloody generations and desi people ways are not going to change, so please don't let that get to you. Okay, so this is how it works, the older you get, the more complicated things become. Your personality, cognitive processing abilities and traits tend to lean towards whatever you are naturally good at- a thing most desi people do not understand (I am not hating on South Asian parents but it is a common trait). Though our parents are often like this because we come from deterministic countries where either being born rich or being smart enough to go abroad is considered as sucessful. Both these approaches are bullshit.

All my life I was the model A* kid of the entire family- you know what that got me in return? Cousins who hated me because their parents used me as an example for EVERYTHING and a childhood that is comprised of no hobbies, likes or dislikes, extracurriculars and actual friends. As I grew older, highschool came and even though I reached peak- my grades did not and boom: *Bloody useless* *God knows what happened to you* *You used to be a model student*.

To some extent I began to do everything to please others, since my grades weren't cutting it out for me anymore- hell I would even agree with what my 'friends' would say, only to be liked again. Gurl, I had people - my own friends- bully me for years, only because I thought, hey at least I have friends. My family wanted me to do engineering - yes, one of the three options all desi kids get. I could have, but at the end even though I got okayish grades enough to get me into an enginneeing college- my mental health was fked.

At the end, three brain docs later I was able to convince my parents how trivial these social pressures were- yes, I am grateful they agreed but even now, sometimes the desi vibes come out.

So, don't let your EXTENDED family or anyone else get to you. Hey, I came back on Tumblr bc writing makes me feel better, even if I PROCRASTINATE WITH THE REQUESTS.

Find a college/university that teaches what YOU WANNA DO- MOST UNIVERSITIES DGAF about what you got in subjects that aren't related to your degree, trust me.

Whatever happens, happens for the best, so- and try, just try to talk to your parents about chilling- or at least cooling down a bit- i know its risky but at least you'll know you tried and trust me, parents do think about things u say in the middle of the night. They are supposed to be your strength.

YOU NEED TO ENJOY THE MOMENT, MAKE IT ABOUT YOU, SCREW EVERYONE ELSE. IF YOU THINK YOU COULD'VE DONE BETTER, THEN YOU'LL DO BETTER NEXT TIME. BC SELF-REALISATION IS WHAT MATTERS. NOT STUPID ASS PAGAL PEOPLE LIKE BRO IM TELLING YOU PPL JUST EXIST TO PULL YOU DOWN AND YOU- Nah bruh you a whole ass bomb and YOU ARE ONE OF THE BRAVEST PEOPLE I HAVE EVER KNOWN. Do whatever you want- as long as it aint illegal or drugs, dont do that- But

F*** the haters

You deserve your peace of mind, everyone does. And family trauma is a part of you, a part that you will one day be able to supress and laugh at, because you know when you grow you wont be asking a kid named Salman or Ajay what grade he got in 4th grade math, you'll be more concered with if he's happy at school.

Ps: I love you, and missed you too and DONT BE SAD ABOUT STUPID IDIOTS- i messed up my last exam too but hey, as long as you and I are able to become GOOD, CIVIL AND USEFUL CITIZENS WHO CARE ABOUT OTHERS AND THE ENVIRONMENT, WHO CARES? NOBODY SHOULD CARE ABOUT WHAT THAT AUNTY OR UNCLE THINKS. PERIOD.

[flockofdoves]

bc of it being one of the places where my HS is my mom has unprompted been telling me i need to make sure to get a breast reduction before i go off her insurance in a couple years

and thats kinda wild to hear from her considering how weird shes been in the past about me saying i wanted top surgery for trans related reasons. and soooo weird to think about like. is that even crossing her mind mind rn or does she just think that all went away with time for me now that i dont bother correcting when she misgenders me anymore (its weird bc i use feminine terms and she pronouns in other contexts nowadays but in no context where she is aware of that and really because of how frustrating all that has been with family i want them to just use they pronouns and neutral terms for me but simultaneous to that sort of contrarian desire i just dont have the energy to correct them ever)

but like i cant complain. i think i could even get legit top surgery and not just a reduction out of it and doing it with her insurance and sdditional financial support makes it soooooooo much more feasible than it could ever be otherwise

but god also thats such a short time frame. and like ive been actively wanting it for almost 15 years anf i guess no time is ever going to be ideal if any change even good always feels overwhelming but theres just already so much i really need to handle over the next couple years.

and theres also the other thing of that while i know it could never be a long term thing for me because of the balance of what i need from transition and how my health problems work that would be even fuethwr exacerbated by it, i always thought i could look cool with my chest as it is now but hairier and i would love to be able to have at least a brief period in my life where i could experience that together. but that would mean startinf T like . Right Now. and while i think id like to at least do that a little bit throughout my life, if i struggle with being overwhelmed with change, the unpredictability of hormones on top of another change maybe is a bit too much for me rn. like im fine with any of the common effects of it even that arent part of my goal but things like how hormonal shifts can effect emotions and sex drive and stuff is still just a lot to have to figure out and manage on top of an already busy year. and even stuff i want like a deeper voice or fuller mustache ive always wanted to do phonetic experiments throughout transition and i just objectively will not have time for that this year. and if i want to have well groomed facial hair thats another thing to have to fit into my daily routine in the middle of whats to be the most packed year of my life so far. so that basically means for me that the only reasonable solution is to get top surgery in the next year and wait for hormones later but its just kinda sad to me i cant have it all

i really wish i lived in a world where i could reliably have better healthcare into the futurw and where i wouldnt have to be pushing myself as hard as ill need to the next couple years wirh school and job stuff. and fuck it i really wish i could shapeshift while im at it lol

[nuuralshams]

(embarrassing) rant on friends under the cut

feeling very petty recently because I have been avoiding two of my girlfriends lately. very very close friends of mine, I’d say they’re the closest I have to best friends at this stage in life although we have known each other ~2 or 3 years. faith-wise, our values are very v different and I just ignored that initially cause we had lots in common besides that and they were basically there for me and I for them. since Ramadan though I’ve just been craving someone to have “deen talks” with (iykyk) so I have been praying for righteous companions/friends since then. now, when I prayed for this I didn’t know whether my friends would become more religious or I would be granted new friends that have the same values as I do but I have noticed that our friendship has been fading, feeling less intense in my heart atleast. I don’t know how I feel about that. I feel like a lot of our friendship hinged on stuff we did for the plot and discussing about that (dating apps, going on dates, talking stages, etc etc) and now that I have just taken a breather from any and all talking stages or putting myself out there, the group chat is so dead 💀 like its sad. and funny thing that may have caused me to feel guilty about this is the fact that since forever i have been the one out of the three of us that was obsessed about getting married soon / finding a SO. one of my friends claimed marriage was not for her, the other was so-so ; she wouldn’t worry about it , it wasn’t a priority but she eventually wanted to (we were all single). In a lovely turn of events, life (god) works miraculously, the one that claimed she would never get married got married this June masha Allah and the other is getting married next month. when I think about the fact that I’m distancing myself from them I wonder whether it’s because I feel any jealousy or bitterness at all (god forbid) but really, I can honestly say no because I feel like over time I’ve just lost the desire to actually get married. I’m so comfortable at this stage in life that change, even a good change makes me reluctant to embrace it. sure everyone wants to be loved lmao but no I am not jealous of the fact that they found their life partners , they definitely deserve the best. another thing being the fact that they did nothing for my birthday this year, after consistently throwing a celebration every year after we’ve become friends. it’s a given for us to throw a celebration each year for each of our birthdays, and ngl considering I turned 25 this year I was looking forward to hanging out with them and taking nice pictures, eating cake and all. literally a few days before my birthday I was showing them a video and saying I wanna do this on my birthday! So they’d know I was excited/looking forward to it but yeah, it’s been two months and they haven’t reached out to even meet up. but yes they did wish me on my birthday. and yes I do feel embarrassed that I feel bad that they did not celebrate my birthday bc ofc they aren’t obligated to 💀 anyway, they’ve been asking to meet up and I’ve just been stalling because I just feel like my hearts not in it anymore ;-; and ever since they got married / got into a relationship, (I understand life would change, their priorities would change too) it just feels like they don’t have anything to talk about with me 🤷🏽‍♀️ hence why the group chat is dead , cause maybe I was the one that kept it alive all along.

Like I said, a very petty and self centered rant.

[nathank77]

7/22/24

10:10 a.m Edited/Added to Significantly

I had a dream last night that I was stuck in a car/camper type thing being trapped with 4 of my friends (idk who they were). We were being trapped by someone idk who.

They all started freezing to death. And one of them couldn't sleep. One of them was microsleeping next to a dead body. The dead body was frozen, his lips were ice. His face was frozen.

I wanted to leave and I kept trying. I called my mom and sister and I think I reached my sister. She didn't show up for me.

I remember being scared that I was going to start microsleeping again. I was terrified cause my friend was unable to fall asleep.

I think it was symbolic of me dying due to the trauma of microsleeping/Psychosis.

I really wish I could get over that trauma.

I reattached the heart monitor today I'm taking it off at like 8 p.m cause I'm not being woken up in the middle of the night with my chest all itchy and having to carefully remove it with hot water and a rag. Then I won't be able to fall back to sleep without copiuos amounts of drugs... so I'll take of it off before bed so it can't interrupt my sleeping pill from keeping me knocked out.

I had a couple good nights sleeping where I stayed asleep solidly through the night. Without needing to pee. Something that helped was not having that monitor on waking me up making me remove it.

I wish I didn't have to celebrate getting 7 hours of sleep and not waking up at the 4 hour mark, needing to pee and taking copiuos amount of drugs and it taking me 1-2 hours to get back to sleep.

I wake up multiple times in pain cause I have to pee so badly despite controlling my fluid intake before bed. But there is nothing I can do. It's lay there in pain and fall back to sleep or struggle to fall back to sleep and take a lot of drugs... and maybe not fall back to sleep.

After I posted what I posted last night, "what Sarah said" by Death Cab for Cutie started playing in my head maybe a hour later. "Love is watching someone die." Specifically and then, "and it came to me then that every plan is a tiny pray to father time."

I don't believe you're here but my brain wants to. I said that if you were here and you weren't reaching out, it would be cruel bc you're watching me suffer when you could be reaching out a hand.

Maybe I should look at it like this, "love is watching someone die." Cause it is. So if you're here and you can't talk to me bc you're in love with me and you're trying to set up your life before you show up its forgivable bc it's true. Love is watching someone die.

The tiny pray to father time part is maybe I'll hold on but you don't get it. It's awful listening to this hallucination 24/7. I never have a good day. I've completely flat lined and when I say I wouldn't want a gf so badly if I had internal peace I mean that.

I enjoy my alone time and game days so much but I dont anymore cause I hallucinate whenever I'm alone. I actually like being alone more than I like being around people. People suck and you have to compromise on everything. When I'm alone if I had internal peace I can do whatever I want whenever I want. I don't have to compromise on anything. Thats the sad part. I'd rather know few people and have tight relationships than be surrounded by people.

I used to LOVE my alone time now I would if I ever had a second of silence.

And generally the people i can hang out with I don't like much. I mean it doesn't apply to everyone but most are toxic... just bad for me...

Even the people I do like, like John for instance we have a lot in common but we still have to compromise. He loves zombies. I hate fucking zombies but like there aren't too many co-op games. Instead of playing what I want I have to compromise bc of the lack of co-op games and being a good friend is compromising. He wants to play zombies so I should. He compromises too.

That's the thing about relationships. I love being alone but all I do is hallucinate. If I could hang out alone and just play minecraft in peace and silence I'd be so happy. My quality of life would get so much better.

Part of me believes you read my tumblr but if you're here and you're not going to be my girl one day if it works out you got to reach out before it's too late. Being able to come to your house and have a Sunday funday or something and get to know your family and be around not toxic people could really help my mental health. A lot.

[nouies]

helloooo, lou! 💙

i have seen how much hate the creators in this fandom get. and i have been feeling really anxious to post whatever i had in mind. but there is first time for everything, huh?! 🥶

it's so nice to change a whole recipe to match your friend's preferences. and cook for her. it's like not a lot of people do it anymore, respecting others' wishes and decisions. 🗣️

have you been to other concerts? 🧞‍♂️

actually, the miscommunication was my fault. i reread your last reply and realized that you said "rule out". i didn't know the meaning of this phrase until now, so i checked it out and now i know what you meant. but do people go hiking/biking/etc on dates? i would never... 🐳

english is not my first language as well, and a lot of times the language barrier leads to miscommunication. but your english is amazing and i think you are great with words. 🦋

louis is such an awesome person. his interests and visions are really wonderful. it's so good you both have so many things in common. 🌀

okay, i have a funny story. when 1d formed as a band, i was eleven years old. my classmates were obsessed with them. so i was like "i won't be like the other girls" and i was showing disinterest every time someone was talking about them (but at the same time i was secretly blasting more than this. the only reason i love that song that much, was because of niall and louis' solos). and i listened to their songs occasionally on the music tv channels (their singles). and for the time the band was still touring and making albums, i just didn't vibe with them, and even think about them. when zayn left the bad, i read it somewhere and that was all. but when the next year mind of mine came out, i fell in love with his voice. so, all in all, i would say zayn. i have been listening to his music for years and i just have really soft spot for him in my heart. 🫐

my questions for the day: what is your favorite tv series? can you share one fun fact about you? 🖌️

hope you have a lovely day,

- your secret valentine 🦕

p.s. don't let the last emoji betray your vison for me, because in fact i'm quite short.

hi valentine!! 💓

listen, don’t think of any of that yet. there are horrible ppl around but i still believe there are some good ones left. i understand feeling anxious, trust me that i always feel that way whenever i’m posting something new, but don’t let the haters win. their goal is to stop us from creating so if we do stop, they’ll win, and they don’t deserve to win. if you truly feel uncomfortable sharing anything, then it’s fine too. at the end of the day, creating something in the fandom is supposed to be fun and if you’re not having fun, then it loses its purpose.

anyway. yes, we’ve been best friends for almost 13 years so i just want her to be happy and comfortable. :) and she does the same for me, like every time i visit her house, she makes sure to buy me tacos from the stand i like.

last year i only went to see Aurora and to the fest where Niall performed, this year i’m going to see a mexican artist called Yuridia and in june i’m seeing Louis. 🤧 have you been to concerts lately or are you planning on going to one soon?

no worries!! tbh i sometimes use verbs that i’m not sure abt but i’m too lazy to google lol but it’s fine. idk if there are ppl who go hiking but i’ve seen ppl who go skating ???

omg you’re way younger than me lol 1d came out when i was starting uni lol but your story is very cute, and tbh it’s very understandable bc i feel like as teenagers we either want to fit in or we want to be unique. at the end, i’m happy that you found someone who resonated more with you. Zayn is a great artist and he seems like such a sweet soul, i want to squeeze his cheeks lol

my favourite tv series is mindhunter, and i’m still sad we got only two seasons of it :( i love jonathan groff so much. idk what could be a fun fact abt me… like, i’m just thinking abt facts but idk if they’re any fun 😭 had to ask for some help but you probably know how much i love fics, and i when i write for a fic fest, i read the rest of the fics (which i thought it was the norm but apparently it isn’t), so my fun fact is that i read every blff fic the day it was posted, maybe with the exception of the 100k one bc it took me three days but the rest of them i read them on each day they were published. and now my brain is fried hdjdhdjdhd

thank you, valentine! i hope your day is awesome as well. 🤗 (and i’m quite short as well so we’re twinning!) <3