#bc of the shit ive dealt with. and i have to get over that and be a man

[britneyshakespeare]

He won't leave my fucking friends alone.

[isa-ah]

got told yesterday that if i wanna be a man then i have to be a man about it and that being so hard on anyone i meet just bc i have known some really awful people in the last few years isn't fair, and is step 1 to being a very lonely person w no friends. which. fair. but how the fuck do you even go hey i like your vibes wanna hang out? as like an adult to an adult youve only been talking to for abfew minutes. 🤔

[kikikillerr-blog]

hate when you're reminded of something stressful right before bed and it's stuck on ur mind. like i can't do anything about that right now please let me sleep

[beesmygod]

yesterday was webcomics day. i am bea and i make "A Ghost Story" - part 4: the art

this part i feel like gets done semi-easy once the rest of the shit is dealt with. yesterday, my knuckles continued to swell and feel like rotten wood so i had to cut it short. this shit happens more frequently than i would prefer. today i need to run to the store and also pick myself up a lil treat (an eighth). for right now tho i have some cbd rich stuff that should help. maybe. while the index finger still hurts, only the middle knuckle is swollen anymore. let's see.

i started with panels 2 and 3 bc they seemed the least immediately labor intensive. ill be copy/pasting the line/flats for panel 3 to edit from there. t...there's going to be a lot of copy/paste this page. its not usually like that. but i usually only copy/paste the lines and flats. i will re-shade things so that they look different

unlike the sketch, the lineart has more "weight" to it. wait thats not how the pillow would deform. hold on.

ok that's better. did people even notice that before i changed it. probably not. but it matters to me!!!!! these little things add up and add weight to your world!!!! ive been trying new things with line as as of [looks at watch] last week. so it looks bad right now. like someones vague idea of what good lineart is supposed to look like. practice makes perfect tho....or breeds familiarity or something.

some parts of this look weird. dont worry. we will cover up that shit with speech bubbles. thank you comics for your ways of obfuscating bad art.

flats are easy. select everything that isnt your line art, invert the selection, and dump a base layer. then color that base layer with a mask

this page will, blessedly, not have any complex backgrounds. i already established the scene previously and can skate on doing my textured backgrounds. the background gradients in the direction the light in the room is being cast, usually.

first, a multiply layer at 50%. since she's facing away from the light source, she'll be mostly in shadow. then a white overlay layer at 50%; this is to make the first shadow layer pop and keep from getting too muddy. then a second multiply layer at 50% for the next layer of shadows.

added some sweat beads to make her look more haggard and some shine to her hair, since she's so close to the light. i've started bothering doing this bc it unfortunately looks good. finally i add one more multiply layer at 40% over her eyes to make her look more over this entire thing. and then added the red glow in another overlay layer (100%) where it would land if being cast from above.

completely servicable and theres room for like. a speech bubble later. usually i do text first, but in this case its so secondary to the actions being performed, i want to prioritize one over the other.

looking at it, im not going to be able to copy/paste this after all. she's going to settle in more and her body will rotate too much in the process. i can use this as a base to trace over, though, which will get me started.

but pain is occurring so im going to eat breakfast. what a bitch!

[muzanswaifu]

Ive seen a lot of people confuse me leaving for “people being mean to writers” or getting hate for the things i write of how i write them but its not

But Im not leaving just bc of the audience, i can handle some hate and honestly it was kinda fun from them bc ik that hate comes from jealousy and trolling

Im leaving because of other writers and my “friends”

Ik i said i would get into it and i really dont want to all that much bcuz im tired and just wanna be done with this but it feels wrong to leave under a false assumption and let people think their actions dont have consequences

Ive dealt with a lot from my peers on here, back talking, hating, straight up bullying, and i just cant anymore

I cant deal with drama irl AND on the internet, bcuz at the end of the day i can just delete everything on here and be done with it all so thats wat im gonna do

Tbh this has been building up for a while, i can only handle so much from “friends” and irl i cut people off pretty quick and on here should be no exception but ive fucked up and let people do watever too long and its bitten me in the ass

Yes ik im dramatic lol, ive gotten that a lot and a lot of people hate me for, a lot of people love me for it, its how i am and it keeps things interesting. I get it, i like to make a lot of call out posts. Y? Bc people deserve to be called out and idgaf ab appearances on here. If someone did something bad, im gonna call them out bc last i checked its my blog and i can do wat i want. If u wouldnt do it, thats fine, its ur decision, and this is mine

Yes, i dont post a lot, I. Am. Busy. I have work. I have school. I have a social life. I cant write smut all the time even tho i want to, and at the end of the day, its not my job to write smut all day so people can read it and move on. I like to interact with yall, its fun, i like to talk to a lot of different people on her since my irl friends arent really into anime. Apparently people think im a loser for that? Ok? Sorry i like to talk to people on the internet when im bored instead of producing smut all day for people to read, ig i shouldve remembered im only on here to provide content since i dont deserve to have some fun, my mistake

Requests? Requests r a generosity. So many of my requesters have been absolute angels with being patient in receiving their requests, happy to just see me writing or interacting at all. Others have hounded me regularly telling me im lazy and selfish for not completing my requests, saying im an asshole for not completing them over my own projects bc “they asked first”. LMAO, U WRITE IT THEN???? i dont owe anything to anyone, certainly not someone who comes here solely to read my fics, not even leaving any interaction or encouragement whatsoever, then leave.

The icing on the cake? The tip of the iceburg? Discord of all places. Im sorry some of u didnt enjoy my server, i really am. Ive never used discord before and me and the mods did the best we could and im sorry i couldnt be as attentive to it due to my busy schedule

Im sorry i couldnt get there in time to stop conflicts or just straight up call people out, and im sorry someone had to make another server since they didnt like how i was handling mine bc i didnt take their side in a fight that THEY WERE WRONG IN? But i tried to be nice, tried to defend her and nicely explain y she was she cant say anything they want in any situation bc people get hurt. but it didnt matter. Y? Bc apparently i cant tell people what they can and cant say…

And that made me realize something! Theyre right! Theyre absolutely right and im so stupid for not seeing it until now! I cant stop people from saying things to me. I cant stop people from talking shit ab me. I cant stop people from even saying things on my own blog and server! I just cant. Bcuz in the end, people r gonna say what they want and do what they want bc people dont wanna learn. They dont wanna talk. They dont wanna hear ab how what they do or say affects others. They just wanna do what the want when the want, and they wanna be allowed to, bc fuck everybody else. Everybody is the victim in their own story, and i deserve to be the victim in mine.

And what would a victim do in this situation?

Leave.

[anonloveshim]

intro <3 READ B4 INTERACTION

TW for edz, h0rny shat, sh, drvgz, all those bad copin mechs (mainly ed and random vents abt my life)

hey im maxx (any nickname with maxx- in it is ok!!) and welcome to my blog!! i basically post whatever i want but i mostly vent here :)) my pronouns are he/him/it/its/pup!! im a FtM puppykitty kin (no i dont have did or osdd) please block dont report i love my lil vent space bc its all that i have :') i suspect i have bpd and audhd and some kind of psychosis hallucination issue lol :P im a pretty weird guy so thats a warning also lol im interesting in psychology, art, singing, dancing, most kinds of music, and literally so much other stuff that i cant possibly put all here bc then this intro will get boring and too long LMAO i will say stuff that makes it seem like im not ok and all i ask is that u do not dm asking about it unless i explicitly say that i need someone to vent to

tw for sh nd ed stats dont like then dont read ffs sh tw - ive been cvtt!ng since 5th grade - ive hit styro - ive been sh free for about 6 months - ive cvt on my thighs, chest, stomach, arms, nd knees ed tw - ive dealt with afrid, ednos, mia, nd ana - started taking shit seriously earlier this year - im 5'2 / 157cm - gw: 100, hw: 131, lw: 116, cw: ??? dni!! - any form of -phobic, -ist, -ism that is inherantly hateful - anyone over the age of 30 - people who arent ok with serious dark topics - bee and pupycat haters

interests!! - kpop (2nd, 3rd, nd 4th gen) - bee and puppycat - 4chan - anime - psychology - video games (hzd, hfw, d2, cod, r6s) - music (metal, rnb/soul, edm, white girl pop) my tags!! pupmaxx post pupmaxx posting pupmaxx asks pupmaxx rant pupmaxx vent pupmaxx reblog anyway thats me!! i hope u enjoy ur time scrolling thru my blog :))

[kaleidoscopic-quiddity]

ok wait now i wanna talk abt weird/interesting things from my experience getting top surgery. ive seen other ppl talk abt some of these things b4 but not all of em

i thought my surgeon was gonna do the incision, like, underneath the curve of my tiddies?? he ended up kinda slicing thru the middle of them, so my scars run over the middle of my pecs, not underneath them

speaking of; ig my pecs are more developed than i thought since my chest isnt like perfectly flat but rather both my pecs have a layer of fat/flesh on them and i can feel the muscle underneath

also the dip/space inbetween from when i had tiddies looks p much exactly the same, my surgeon said sometimes it ends up buldging out and a revision is needed but thankfully that didnt happen to me

the discharge nurse let me know afterwards that my tits were 11 kilograms (right 6kg and left 5kg) like no fucking wonder i have back pain at the tender age of 19

so yknow how pain raises ur body temp and makes u sweat?? immediately upon waking up i was so warm and damp i told a nurse id soiled myself and needed a change of underwear, i hadnt! i was just really fucking sweaty lol

i also threw up twice after waking up (fortunately into containers both times), turns out anesthetic doesnt agree w/ me, also it was like a dark bottle green?? since id been fasting from the night b4 ig i was bringing up nothing but bile

pre-surgery they cldnt get the IV in my left hand and had to switch to my right and ig that made my heart rate pick up bc one of the asistants immediately came by my head and talked to me to calm me down, he was rlly nice :)

im p sure i conked out within seconds of them getting the IV in and starting up the anesthetic too, none of that 'count back from 10' shit, i took like 2 and a half deep breathes and was OUT

from a combination of the iodine and natural swelling/bruising my chest looked REALLY yellow for like 3 weeks after surgery

i got sent home the same day i got my surgery, they keep some ppl over night if theres complications but apparantly i was all good to go after resting in the post-op ward for few hours

speaking of, i woke up, puked, got some water, dicked around on tumblr, called my mum, took an 'i lived bitch' selfie, slept for a few hours, woke up, went on tumblr again, got dressed w/ some help from a nurse, pissed (by myself, woo!), and then got discharged

my scars are uneven! my left incision goes further under my armpit than my right one, and my scars vary in thickness, it actually looks kinda like ive got two scars on my left side bc it thins out so much in the middle for a few milimeters

my nipples are also a lil uneven and they ended up puckering up as they healed so i kinda looks like ive always got stiff nips oops, also theyre more brown than pink

apparantly that might be bc they took the nipple graft from my areaola bc they werent able to graft the actual nipple, idk ¯_(ツ)_/¯, obvi it doesnt look perfectly like a cis guy's nipples but i knew the chances of achieving that were relatively small + p dependent on how i healed so like im not too bothered by it

my surgeon used dissolvable stitches and one of em ended up poking out thru my scar a lil b4 it disolved, which was weird

showering w/ a plastic sandwich bag duct taped to ur chest so u dont get ur scars and nips wet is An Experience TM i'll tell u that

my scars stretched!! it happens!! esp if u raise ur arms, which u will inevitably have to do eventually, idk if they'll ever fade on their own or if i'll need scar revision treatment in the future but fortunately they didnt go keloid

my surgeon used what he called crosshatched stitching rather than drains so that saved me a lot of discomfort, i DID get a slight build up of like, i think around 40ish mls of fluid in my left side a few weeks after surgery, but my surgeon dealt w/ it by p much just poking it w/ a syringe and draining it out lol

which i didnt even feel him do at the time bc of the nerve damage lmao, which was weird asf since i could very much SEE him sticking the needle in but couldnt feel it at all

i regained my mobility like, straight away?? my surgeon said bc im young + relatively healthy it was likely that id bounce back from surgery quick but like,, i had none of the exhaustion, pain, or immobility ive seen ppl describe??

i couldnt lift my arms very high for a while obvi but like i was fine dressing myself and even washing my own hair if i just leaned over

having to sleep upright for a few weeks after surgery was v annoying since i usually rotate like a shawarma trying to find a comfy sleeping position

the post-op chest binder was sensory hell bc it was scratchy and it kept slipping down my back since it had no shoulder straps, also i accidentally bruised my ribs a lil bit by wearing it too tight oops, the fuckin relief i felt when they told me i cld stop wearing it

the post-op 'please wear these at all times so u dont get thrombosis' socks were p comfy tho, idk why they didnt cover my toes tho

regaining the sensation around ur scars is weird! my right side's been completely fine but ig bc my left scar is thicker + longer ive been getting some pain n tightness, its not a persistent issue or anything but its just kind weird bc ive never had any surgeries or major injuries to heal from before this one

u will have to get ur boobs felt up and examined probaby multiple times b4 surgery, this will feel very different from touching ur own boobs and, in my case, was ticklish??

my posture has improved somewhat since getting top surgey, what not having 11kg of weight hanging off ur chest and compressing it in towards ur ribs/spine for roughly 9 hours a day will do to a mf ig

[mydemonsdrivealimo]

what are the undiagnosed issues bryce has??

so the two main ones im thinking of are dysthymia (persistent depressive disorder) and rnd (reflex neurovascular dystrophy)

the first one i hc bc it's a very high functioning form of depression, which is also why it's hard to catch (and easy to avoid diagnosing). it's pretty common for high achievers and it's easy for him to mask when he's out at work or w friends, but when he gets home it's the worst. he just has that dread of being alone and feels like absolute shit whenever he's just in his apartment by himself. it's part of the reason he goes to bed so early and gets up early to leave the house. he has worse episodes where it will bleed into the time he's out and about, but most of the time if he's out he can avoid it, which is why he's like,, never home

and rnd honestly idk why it ended up in me hc? like at least the background of it bc ive always hced that bryce was sick a lot when he was really young, and had his fair share of stupid injuries. but w rnd, they can feel much worse than they actually are, and if they're not there at all. it's stress-related, in that he will have injury pain flare up years later when the injury definitely isn't there anymore bc of stress. its part of the reason why i imagine he's so easygoing bc he's had to learn over the years to let shit go otherwise he'll have pain flare ups that could be bad enough to hospitalize him

i think both of these got really bad when he was getting away from his parents in freshman year of college. i think he dealt w depression A Lot during undergrad and a bit through med school too. he always makes friends and has people to hang w but he never fully felt connected to them, and on top of that he had no savings so he was just basically working himself to death when he wasn't at school. especially when he first moved he really felt that isolation and even though he made friends it still never felt like he Fit In. in med school he started to find his place a bit more, but it was hard bc he was so busy all the time. that's also when he started to have more flare ups bc he was so fucking stressed all the time, but he didn't have the money or anything to actually go to the doctor and do anything about it. it was similar when he first moved to california--i imagine he had a really bad one when he got there, but going to urgent care did nothing. they couldnt figure out why, and it was already too expensive as it was. so, when it happened again later, he just did what he did then which was ice it, take meds, and just wait for it to pass (even though the first two didn't do much for him)

[seraphim-soulmate]

so how do I reconcile with just having big baby loser brain that decided I'd be mentally ill and perpetually stuck suffering instead of having just dealt with my shit in a more normal way? or is there some neuroscience that can explains that I don't have a cringefail brain but it's actually something else??

i mean. it's shame. shame I feel for struggling with things i consider i shouldn't struggle with, which i guess is kinda stupid bcs when i take a step back i realize it's understandable that im struggling with certain things ive lived through. being stuck in them doesn't entirely make sense, but I'm willing to accept that my past shaped me. not to mention that I'm also somehow kind of constantly going through really hard situations on top of also dealing with my past? but it also all (mental illness and emotional sensitivity, I mean) started with something, and my early childhood was my parents getting divorced.

but I consider that banal, plenty of parents get divorced and it doesn't mean their kid suffers from treatment-resistant depression and ptsd. I guess divorce is so normalized now that i don't consider it a valid thing to be traumatized over, at least not to the extent to which ive experienced symptoms. but I was separated from one parent, always missing one or the other, without any explanation that could make sense to a child's brain about why any of this happened and why i have to suffer because of it. can I get rid of the shame by validating the struggles I went through? would that make me feel better about having been disabled by my life experiences?

[jinkicake]

Brainrot yet again 😔and this time it’s aether but because nobody on this site can write for him, they don’t know him like I do!!😤like not EVERY aether fic and hc can be super uwu subby crybaby boy SOME OF YALL ARE LYING!! I fully stress myself out by going back and back to the aether tag😭 like I have a handful of artists who draw him normal even Venti isn’t that elusive😭 like aether is a fully grown man with a 9-5! he will not start blushing from me holding his hand!! Like I had an epiphany the other day this man is LITERALLY-like Giorno just longer hair and minus all the trauma; like hear me out!! Blonde pretty boy who looks too pretty to be real,unreasonably strong,showing skin for no reason!!(gio got his chest out for what? Aether wearing a crop top why🤨) have powers that people can’t comprehend,mysterious origins, and they’re both very playful and mischievous; they’re literally like cousins😭(see how my problem is falling for any giorno adjacent characters?💀)you’re traveling w aether getting into all kinds of shenanigans bc trouble follows him like a magnet 🙄and he’s quietly thinking “I am going to absolutely destroy you” like he’s the type so oh so subtly use anemo to blow your clothes,Geo to trip over rocks that were not there before, shocking you w electro 😭 he’s literally a menace bc who’s gone beat his ass?? He’s the honorary knight what would they even say if they caught him Fucking your throat on the roof of the favonious HQ? He’s saved Liyue from Osial and his wife! What they don do if they see him balls deep in you in some tucked away some corner of the Jade palace, LITERALLY FOUGHT GOD AND WON IF THEY KNEW WHATS FOOD FOR THEM THEY WOULD MIND THEIR BUSINESS IF THEY HEARD HIM BLOWING YOUR BACK OUT IN THE TEAHOUSE!! Ayato is a messy ass bitch he would recommend a bathhouse that’s on the outskirts of Inazuma city that has wonderful acoustics just in case he wanted to hear you moans echo🥰 like aether isn’t from this world so his dick would be out if this world as well. Literally the 😏 emoji like he gets up early to finish his daily commissions and get paimon breakfast so he can come back and sweet talk you into letting him cum inside you at like 9am he’s nothing if not clever! Pissing him off to get him to use that god destroying >>> using electro on his dick to overstimulate you, seeing you get a little too friendly with childe or zhongli (bc me too lmao) so he has to remind you he’s better than them🥰 bc he has a cute face but he can be mean asf when he wants to be; sitting and looking at you with a blank face save for the glare burning holes into your head as he makes you bounce on his cock and does absolutely no work as punishment 😔 watching your legs tire out and thrusting up when you stop for even a second rolling his eyes LIKE ITS SOME KIND OF INCONVENIENCE TO HIM “You know, I could always get you off right here,shame you don’t know how to behave” and lazily rubs your clit w his thumb. He loves edging bc he’s a little shit😒 will wait until you admit defeat and put you in a mating press bc he will make sure you can’t move an inch and that you take everything he’s giving you💕 is willing to be tied up and used like the good boy he is🥰

ive never been able to get behind the subby uwu characterization of aether like even when he's shipped w childe and others... idk to me he's strong and puts UP a fight regardles of who he is with!!! so i get you i really do

HAHAHAHA no hes a grown ass man who is over 500 years old... he's seen shit and has been with people before! affection and intimacy is not something new to him!! so why do people act like he's never dealt w romance before in his life!

now..... comparing him with giorno,,,, you do understand you're setting aether up my dear? like this is DON GIORNO we are talking about but with your reasoning i can say that i now understand. and its not your fault for falling for giorno or giorno substitutes like he's the best yandere there is, you cant be blamed!

i love aethers crop top he's so cute i just have to say that

WAHHHHHHHH THE PERV HEADCANNONS W AETHER ARE GONNA MAKE MY MIND EXPLODE... that is TOO good, how do you come up w this stuff im literally in shock like that got me good. also... to add... he could use dendro to create an aphrodisiac right? like a natural dust- idk!

no bc aether can get away w anything on the planet now and no one can stop him like he has four nations under his belt backing him up- no one stands a chance! (except my ice wifey archon!!!)

now see aether getting jealous would lose me bc bae,,, why don't we all just share! like he's mad over childe and alhaitham... BRING THEM IN THE ROOM TOO! there's enough room in his teapot for all of us and we all got enough holes too!

we need more abyss prince!aether i like when they have no life in their eyes... thinking abt that! he wants to get rid of the archons i say DO IT (raiden and venti hide under my bed),,, i'll advocate w him!

[azusaluvclub]

Hii, hope you are doing well. I was wondering if you have any jimmy bae head cannons? Thanks!

weak hero headcanons; jimmy bae

hi hi !! i do have some jimmy headcanons lined up for you :))) theyre pretty general, but i hope you enjoy !!!! and if theres anybody else you (or whoever else is reading) wants to see, lmk !!

⋆ is a suprisingly good dancer !! never took classes because his family couldn't rlly afford it, and now he doesn't have the time to commit to it, so p much everything he learned was from watching tutorials + kpop dance practices on youtube lolll :,)) he has fun w it tho !!

⋆ has a low tolerance for spicy food ;; tries to fake like he can handle it, but it's SO obvious in the way his face reddens and his nose starts running that he can't :,))) (that's how u know the food is good tbh-)

⋆ based on the fact he's a karaoke enthusiast, i 100% believe he's also a talented singer :DDD (idol material atp-) his voice is suprisingly,,, gentle, compared to how he acts ?? it's full, a little raspy from all the smoking, but overall really nice to listen to. jack keeps insisting that he should become a trainee or something and put his talents to use, but he's not so sure-

⋆ dealt w pretty bad acne in middle school;; its improved over time, and he actually does make an effort w skincare, but he still gets flare-ups here and there that he finds super annoying-

⋆ not a big fan of tv (other than the late night sketch comedys or dramas he watches w/ his granny), but he LOVES a good action film- was def into superhero comics and cartoons as a kid (still is, hes just more casual about it loll) so some of that still carries over into his current interests :))) makes it a point to drag jack w/ him to whatever action movie is currently playing, and spend the whole ride home talking about it~

⋆ speaking of,, i feel like he was the one who initially suggested getting their (bc yes it is a shared thing-) motorcycle, but jack is the one who's most invested in it (mainly because i think he would have a strong interest in bikes and cars and the like) :)) bc granny bae keeps getting on jimmy's ass about them driving it without a license, the two have been hitting the books to get theirs- they say they're doing it together, but are secretly trying to beat each other to getting one :,))))

⋆ struggles w bouts of anxiety, i feel like ?? for all his arrogance, he seems to battle w/ his confidence in himself and his position in the union (imo likely a big part of why he's got an ego, bc he's looked down on enough as is and is trying to compensate somehow- </33). a lot of his worries revolve around that, but he finds himself getting hung up over plenty of other things. doesn't usually confide in jack about this, 'cause he thinks it's dumb and irrational; but they've known each other long enough to pick up on one anothers tells, and so jack makes it a point to remind jimmy that he believes in him, even without actually saying it~ (cause what else are bffs for ???)

⋆ actually a decent student — when he applies himself lol :,)) his best subject is probably smth like phys ed, though i feel like he might be also be good at history ??? not like he actually gives a shit, i just feel like it'd be easier for him compared to other classes. worst is art ,, if that self-portrait says anything---

⋆ is trying to make it a habit to workout + take it more seriously, esp since his fight w/ doyoon. not that he didn't before, but it's given him an even stronger sense of determination to not lose again, however he has to achieve that- tries to visit the gym regularly, or do simple workout routines at home (probably has some basic dumbells and other fitness shit, fuckin' NERDDDD)

⋆ when he's passionate about something, tho, it really shows !! and it benefits him most of the time, when he puts that drive towards the right things :,)))

and thats all ive got !! lol

[psykoz]

ok so some things that have happened at my job

- coworker said the r slur in front of me, a few others, and one of the front end managers. manager says nothing to stop it and in fact jusf laughs and agree w the overall statement (halloween costumes looked [r-slur]ed). this is significantly worse as not only am i (not openly at work for fear but pretty obviously) autistic, but the field we are working in is specifically with seniors with a specific type of mental and intellectual disability

- person who hired and trained me and is an assistant, also higher position not a manager technically but on the management team, learns i dont celebrate xmas thru an email i willingly send, totally fine. but days later, unprompted and unrelated, she str8 up asks why i dont celebrate and i feel the need to reveal some inkling of religious beliefs which i really do not want to do

- literally wont tell me half of the things i need to do/not do until after i fucked up anr get reprimanded. they never told me what the callout policy was, until after i recieved a write up for breaking it. they didnt tell me a security feature for someone had been updated, until i almost messed up SECURITY and a coworker had to tell me it had been changed. theres more but pointing out every time would get tedious and repetitive

- already blamed me once for having "too many missed calls" despite every one of those missed calls having been before my start time or after i am meant to clock out, some even having come past midnight or before 6am when im still hours away from even needing to be getting ready to clock in, outright admitting that it was more likely because their phone system isnt patching back to the after hour line, or after hours people are just not picking up the phone. and still called me in for a full 8 hour "training" shift where i spent well over 75% of the day sitting, not working OR training and thinking abt how much shit i needed to get done in my personal life and how wasteful this was, because of something out of MY control when im not even fucking clocked in.

- my bosses have all been on at least one vacation in the 3 months ive been here. despite being called, verbatim, "the last line of defense" and being in charge of peoples lives, having to potentially de escalate an angry senior if i tell them they arent allowed outside, and having to be around people that are dying at least one person every week or 2, i get no benefits and no chance to even accrue vacation or sick time. i would have never accepted a job with not benefits or sick or leave if they had explained to me the full scope of the stressors i have dealt with. i know for a fact my ptsd has gotten more severe after this job and i went thru a traumatic experience that i wont talk abt bc it was out of the hands of my job tbf, they couldnt have stopped it from happening, but i have still been exposed to multiple deaths and one event ive been unable to stop thinking about and fearing. they have never suggested grief counseling is available to any employee

- sometimes they put up fliers for mandatory meetings/trainings without sending any text/email about it. this sucks for so many reasons. i just may not see them, i have multiple disorders that give me memory issues so having a reminder on my phone would be helpful, qnd the worst of all: they have put up fliers on a day i wasnt working for a mandatory meeting, on a day i wasnt working, and i did not have another shift until 2 days AFTER the meeting that i didnt even know happened bc they didnt bother to let me know despite me being physically unable to see fliers if im NOT THERE.

[b0mblover]

Snowflakes and drugs dont mix (that) well

By: J

(im not even kidding while writing this i got such bad eye pain, i stg lopt is just tormenting me anytime i do anything related to jirou without him in it)

(also this is prob extremely ooc bc im basically describing/romantasiing my own life :,) yes my life sucks dont remind me)

(again, im very muchly not a writer, i was bored and decied to make the probably first jirocrown fic of life 🙂 im genuinely sorry to anyone who reads this shit)

(anon on twt, gfys, and no this isnt supposed to be taken that damn seriously, ik theres an asston of mistakes, but its almost 3 am and i need to sleep!! alr alr u can read it now chill)

-5° (c 23°f) -5° it was cold out, extremely cold. Jirou was walking on a backroad, he didnt know what it was called, even though he had been down it hundreds of times. Around 1 (am) Crown said hed pay him for a drug run, which was rather normal, go on a drug run, hang out with crown, sleep, go home. The only issue was that it took around 30 minutes or so to get there, also normally okay, in the summer. Where he lived, got extremely cold in the winter months, in a “im going to call off of work today because ill get frostbite if i try to go outside” way. This wouldnt be an issue if there was public transport, but of course, the world apparently hated jirou. Jirou was half way there, hands almost shaking because of the temperature, he dealt with the cold ironically well, the reason it didnt bother him as much as normal people was unimportant to him. (reason is because he used to sit on the porch to not hear his parents fight, though it never really worked that well) Maybe it was a fragile ego, maybe he was just broke, but hed never wear gloves, even with the possibility of frostbite taking his hands. He knocked on Crowns door, though he had a key, he felt like he could barely move any joints in his hand to grab them. After a 3 rough minutes, Crown answered the door letting him in. “Ah th thanks, ‘preciate ya getting the shit” Crown handed him  about ¥14000 “This is too much crown” “nah its freezing out plus ive been meaning to pay ya back anyways” “I, if you say so” he was hesitant to take it, but ultimately decided that, crown, a literal serial killer, wouldnt decide to screw him over, at least not like that. 

As normal, they both walked over to the (admittedly dirty) couch, crown, in a pose that was slightly… provocative, jirou sitting normally (as normal as a gay man can). Crown sat a powder on to the table, “uh you gotta card or somethin dude?” jirou handed him a razor blade, “uh vaguely concerned as to why you carry that but thanks either way, uh youre not gonna like use that now though right?” “nnah, dumbass i know what youre doing im staring right at you, why would i hand you something that i was gonna use” “i mean look, you made paintings out of your own blood, for no real reason either! youre not as predictable as you think” “whatever ya say just hurry up” “damn why you say impatient huh?” crown brought his face down to the table after making the powder into a mostly straight line. “Cause i want my share already and you take too long” Crown tossed him the razor blade, jirou aligned the powder into a straighter line than crowns, and snorted it as well. “Yeayea whatever man, the hell should we do any ways, too cold to go out, any ideas?” “sure i have several but the last time we did any of my ideas someone had to be killed cause they were a witness” “ah right, well uh, wanna play uno?” “gonna be real with ya c, the joints in my fingers feel like the are fucking screwed shut at the moment so I’m gonna have to pass” “your joints where what” “*sighs* (bc how do u write a sigh phonetically) fingers too cold, fingers barely move because cold” “oh, what nah lemme feel bro” “fine fine whatever” crown moved his hands onto Jirous, and, of course, they were extremely cold. “Damn dude what the hell, how long where you outside for?” “uh i mean i was smoking when you texted so at least like i dunno 15 minutes more than normal?” “man the hell, cmere” crown had gotten closer and brought Jirou into a hug, granted it didn’t do much, the heating and cooling had been busted for months, crown was surviving on 15 blankets, but it felt nice. Jirou was aware that hugging someone, at least in the position they were in, wouldn’t do much, but he let crown anyways, for a drug addicted serial killer, he always felt at home with Crown, wanted. “Ugh alright alright c i get it okay? i love you too chill” “if i were to chill at the moment id freeze to death jirou” “yea yea i get it kay? I’m gonna go lay down” “right behind ya” Crown followed Jirou into the one bedroom that was there, it was noticeably colder than other rooms such as the living room, but it was much more “lively” or “lived in” plus the mattress on the ground that they insisted on calling a bed with 15 blankets kinda made up for it too. Jirou fell onto the mattress, groaning out a tiny bit before going quite again. Crown sat himself down on the opposite side, pulling two of the blankets off where they were stacked before getting under the one that was already on the bed. Jirou did the same after taking his socks off, he recalled how when this first started, how crown and him would fight about if he should take his jacket off before laying down. back then he’d say it was because he was cold, maybe it was slightly true, or the fact he didn’t want him to see his cuts and scars. After a particularly awful trip Jirou experienced after taking way too much of god knows what and almost having to go to the er, crown was, for lack of a better term in his eyes, well aware, of Jirous life, he broke down to him. After that he was careful with what he said before Jirou called him out for walking on eggshells around him, annoyed that crown was essentially “babying him”, granted unknown if it was on purpose or not. Jirou after laying down, staring at the ceiling, got closer to crown, almost suffocating him with his (fucking gigantic) oversized jacket. Crown moved what he assumed was the hood of the jacket so he could breath and brought Jirou into a tight hug. Jirou accepted, pushing into it instead of pulling away like usual. Crown could feel how cold his skin was, and how warm he felt inwardly.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw mention cocsa, parental abuse

looking for someone to listen about my story, also questions at the bottom

I was abused by a kid my age when I was really little, ive dealt with all sorts of symptoms bc of that (and other traumas ive been through.) my parents were abusive as well as an ex and my parents stood up always for my other abusers saying maybe they were victimized and I was the bad guy...

there have been some occasions my parents have straight up admitted to abusing me growing up and it felt really good hearing that, still feels really validating even though they didn't mean to validate me they did.... they didn't apologize but they change their story up so many times by saying I was at fault, then saying their abuse was justified (admitting it, YAY), then implying their abuse WASN'T justified (even more YAY) bc they will get defensive and scared saying things like "I was never a bad mother! I tried! cut me slack! im tired of you acting like im so horrible" which idk if you mods agree or not but in a way she's showing she feels guilt and shame bc she knows her abuse towards me wasn't justified....?

also, ive started to do my research and recognize somatic and emotional flashbacks ive been dealing with, some I can relate to specific traumas, I usually try not to think of any of my memories or abusers

but rare times when i decided to think hard about a specific abusive scenario I went through with a specific abuser and I went into this sort of horrible emotional/phsycial state along with somatic experiences with some of my five senses re-experiencing I guess things I don't remember too well about the event usually goes on for half-hour to 3 hours. some of these are new and scary.

im glad in a way to be experiencing these things bc I grew up believing my abusers that I was abusive. but my reactions to being abused were completely valid and normal...

sometimes if I think about specific trauma events I start feeling physical sensations like my whole face becoming flush and hot, heart racing. but it goes away quickly sometimes. idk what that is but the memories feel like dreams and its kind of validating when I experience that stuff bc I know its real when strong, scary emotions and physical sensations are attached to the memories, esp newer ones I keep getting...

and I get auditory hallucinations which scare the living shit out of me. I feel like I get into states of fear for my life. idk if thats a flashback or not?? idk if im psychotic or not?

I also have a question? is it normal to feel "obsessed" with your abuser or preoccupied with arguments in your head with your abuser? is that cptsd symptoms or am I just weird for that? seems contradicting bc I try not to think of the abuse, and get irrited with intrusive thoughts about it, yet sometimes obsessively choose to think about arguing w my abuser and I get so heated....

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been through. It sounds like you've endured a lot of painful and isolating experiences that can be incredibly challenging to grapple with, and please know that you're not alone.

It can be especially frustrating and isolating to experience your parents immediately siding with your abusers instead of considering your perspective or feeling protective over you. It seems that their abusive behavior towards you over time explains why they don't support and care for you in the way you deserve.

I can understand how validating it can be when our abusers admit to what they've done. But sometimes they mention these things in a nonchalant or unapologetic way because they fail to recognize the gravity of their actions, and perhaps they haven't changed. It's important to remember that there is no excuse or justification for abuse, and it's common for abusers to construct reasons to avoid accountability. It's possible that the way your mom responded could suggest that she feels guilt, but it could also just be an attempt to justify her actions instead of take responsibility for them or feel guilty.

It sounds like you may have been experiencing flashbacks when you described the sort of sensual and emotional state that lasted for several hours. It's understandable how it can feel validating to experience this when your abusers have been painting you as the abuser and playing the victim themselves (aka DARVO). But alongside these other physical sensations such as a racing heartbeat and a hot face, it's important to find a healthy balance between allowing yourself to experience these physical symptoms and validating your trauma in less distressing ways.

Feeling obsessed with your abuser and preoccupied with arguments with your abuser in your head can be a part of rumination. Please know that you're not alone in experiencing this and it doesn't make you weird at all. There are many reasons why trauma survivors do this, and sometimes these thoughts are intrusive. Rumination can be especially difficult in the case of CPTSD, because a trauma survivor with a string of traumatic events has multiple different things to ruminate on, and it can be hard to ruminate about one aspect of the trauma without starting to think about another.

These could be things to bring up with a mental health professional such as a therapist, if you can access or afford it. A therapist can help you process your trauma, work with you to explore these symptoms and discover where they may be coming from, as well as finding healthier ways to validate your trauma.

If anyone would like to make any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[17gz]

but fr being so wary of men while being transmasc is so fucking lame. even my cishet female friend with endometriosis sees a male gynecologist bc hes extremely experienced in his field and she has never had a problem w him ONCE she's been seeing him for 8+ years now... my psychiatrist for the past 3 years is a man and i'd lay down my fucking life for that man hes awesome... like i know that male doctors can be freaks i've dealt with some but jesus being so skittish and distrustful of men while claiming you are one?? dude get over urself. and not to mention its the most bioessentialist bullshit like dont even get me started on the female doctors ive had that have straight up treated me like COMPLETE shit. even in gyno/endo spaces!! especially in psychiatric spaces!

[pipcoded]

reading over my thousands upon thousands of phone notes to myself over the span of five years and its just me spiralling and suffering and crying out to nobody and gradually getting more and more mentally ill is.... kinda sad. it helps me get a grasp on how sick ive been and why im like this but its depressing to see how much ive dealt with for so long (longer than 5 years obv i just started documenting around 2018) with no support whatsoever. just being berated or called an evil soulless monster or worse, being totally ignored by everyone who could've easily reached out to help. every improvement ive made was entirely alone bc nobody has given a shit about me at all lmao no wonder i dont have the ability to feel pleasure or happiness anymore. how can i experience joy when life has shown me time and time again that its pointless to even try being happy?

and i think thats why it always makes me angry to see people say things like "it isnt your fault you were traumatized but it is your obligation to get better" .... key word there being obligation. because how fucking unfair is that? to tell people in hopeless situations that they are obligated to get better or else.... idk they can go fuck themselves, i guess? i cant think of a crueler sentiment than that.