#bc school is out and i had nowhere to fucking be and just. i dont think that is helping the dysphoria and i cant tell if binding More is

[vrsmth]

being the only autistic kid in a small town school was probably the worst experience a person can ever have

[the-amber-droid-dreams]

the dysphoria sure has been dysphoriaing

[silverislander]

man im just remembering this one girl i hung out with in high school who was just fucking. wildly lesbophobic. letting her know i was questioning was the worst mistake i made in hs lol

[wegc]

hi pretty!! hru and happy new year <3 school starts next week which means i have to start prepping from this week (really i should’ve been revising all break but wtv🫣) which means u will probably be seeing less of me for now BUT!!! i will do my best to check in and torment u with my filthy thoughts as often as i can LOL.

current brainrot is changbin absolutely manhandling you with his big strong ass, cause you just had to be a brat today for some reason. sneaking off to the bathroom to fuck yourself open with fingers that are nowhere near as good as his and send him recordings of your pretty, whiny moans. running your brand new nails (that he paid for bc i am a firm believer that bin would spoil his girl like mad) over his cock through his jeans while you’re both out with the members. there’s really only so much a man can take—which is why the second you get home, he’s throwing you over the arm of the couch and dragging your panties down. “bunny wanted to act like a slut all day, she’s gonna get fucked like one, yeah? look at this cunt, all messy and dripping f’ me. this is what you’ve wanted, huh? needy girl.” shoves your legs open and fingers you until you’re grinding on his hand and damn near sobbing. “bet this feels better than whatever you were doing to yourself earlier. dumb little bunny, trying to be a brat. all you gotta do is ask nicely and i’ll give you whatever you want, you know that.” doesn’t even bother to tell you when he wants you to move, just throws you around like a doll or grabs you with one arm and moves you around himself.

at one point he pulls you up from your hands and knees and wraps an arm around your throat to pin you to his broad chest. his thick cock has been practically splitting you open for god knows how long now—you’re so fucked out that you’ve stopped keeping track—and the couch cushions underneath you are soaked with your release. when bin reaches down to your clit again with his other hand, you whimper and feebly try to buck away from him. he just laughs and tightens his grip on you, cooing, “be a good little slut and take what i’m giving you, bunny” in your ear in a soft voice that’s a total contrast to the way he’s fucking ruining you. and how could you ever say no?

(this may or may not be motivated purely by changbin’s aaa performance outfit because good GOD why did he look even bigger and beefier than usual i want him so bad)

-🍒 anon

OHFMY GODF. . . do i even say anything at this point . . . what is there left to say holy fucking shit i am going insane this was so good ARE U SURE U DONT HAVE UR OWN BLOG BECAUSE IF NOT!!! GET ON IT!!!

omg omg omg i forgot who in skz said this but someone said that changbin becomes increasingly attractive while he’s eating AND HDHEHFDEDFFFD someone on twitter posted a video of him chowing down on some food and holy fuck the angle that video was taken from made his arms look so big and beefy, i replayed it for what felt like an hour.

BUT ! back on topic ! you would have to annoy changbin a lot for him to snap at you and fuck you this roughly because you’re his baby :( it’s okay if you’re a little spoiled :( he’ll always take care of you :(

but holy fuck, was his week horrible. he and chan got into a petty argument, their choreographer was up his ass about their upcoming award show performances, and all he wanted to do was fuck you slowly and sweetly like you deserved. but no! he was stuck in the practice room for another three hours and like a little minx, you sent him videos of you spreading your cunt open. if he wasn’t so pent up and tortured, he would scoff at how small the stretch of your fingers must have been compared to his thick cock.

you are IN FOR IT as soon as he reaches home. he couldn't care less about what you were doing. if you were on the phone—the call ended; if you were texting someone—power off; if you were cooking —no problem! he’s turning the stove off and shoving your hips aggressively against the counter, sliding your soaked, lace panties to the side after he’s bunched up your dress to your waist, and fucking his cock right into your greedy little cunt.

his hands would leave bruises on your hips with how firmly he would be gripping them and your ass would be so sore from his continuous smacks because changbin really couldn't control his temper after his shit show of a week.

and if fucking you in the kitchen wasn’t enough, he’ll fuck you in the living room, office, against your balcony window, in the laundry room, in the bedroom, and finally—the shower. your poor hole would be gaping by the end of his abuse, all spent and dribbling with his loads of cum :(

i can just imagine you’re all fucked out by the end of it and still, binnie grips your face and squeezes it harshly, forcing your lips to form a pathetic little pout :(

“see what happens? wanna try that again? sluts like you can’t go a second without being stuffed, huh?”

“do i need to do this every time, honey? do i have to teach you a lesson every day?”

“fussy girl. you knew i’d take care of you—still had to annoy me though, hm?”

[chikkou]

ok i was waiting until my laptop got here to finally tell all the bullshit thats happened in the last like. 5 months lol. cause its a lot to type

im gonna put it all under the cut so no one has to read if they dont want. its a LONG fucking story.

tl;dr:

ok so for basic background, for the last two years or so, i was living with a roommate in connecticut. the roommate was my (now former) best friend since middle school. in july of this year his behavior totally shifted, and he started picking fights with me out of nowhere, told our high school friends a bunch of straight up lies abt me to make me look like a horrible roommate & person, and just generally became a two-faced dickhead. in the end, it turned out to all be excuses to justify his decision to move out (unofficially, name was still on the lease) so that he could live with his boyfriends and not pay any bills. at the time i was really devastated by this bc i felt totally betrayed by this person i had been close to since i was 12/13, but frankly after everything else that happened i barely fucking think about it now LMAO. this is set dressing more than anything else

so anyway, i had been living alone since about august, that was the last time i saw him in person. i wasnt handling the situation well because i had spoken to my high school friend and found out the extent to which hed tried to paint me as a slovenly, horrible roommate, to the point of telling actual lies about really dumb stuff (which didnt work btw - my friends, god bless them, were more concerned about my mental health than anything and thought i was going down a depression spiral, which my former friend told them he was helping me through. they believed me right away once we finally did talk). all that is to say, i was going kind of crazy lol, and i decided to go back home in october just for a short while, to recharge my batteries and all.

i was gone for a couple of weeks, not very long. i felt MUCH better after being with my family & friends in person, as i felt pretty isolated from everyone (my hometown is in new york, i was only 2 hours away by train but scheduling times to visit was sort of a hassle, so i only did it once every couple months). my grandfather and mom dropped me off at my apartment in early november, we were very lighthearted and discussing my next steps, since my shithead friend had been behind on rent more than 5 times (i always paid my half on time) and i was facing eviction because of it. we get to my apartment, i go to open the door, and it wont open. not that its locked, it just straight up WONT open. my grandpa tried to ram the door with his shoulder, and nothing. hes a strong ass dude, and this door wouldnt budge for anything.

my mom managed to get the kitchen window open and climb in that way, and it took both her and my grandpa pulling/pushing at the same time to force the door open. i wont even dress this up: there was mold. fucking. everywhere. on the floor, on the walls, all over everything i owned. i have pictures (had to take them for insurance) and im not even going to show them because they are beyond fucking disgusting. everything i owned was soaked in water and mold, and i do literally mean EVERYTHING. it was very warm in there too, like the temperature of a swamp. i was in a haze after that. i just remember sobbing, like genuinely heartbroken sobbing, as i wandered around looking at everything that was ruined. my mom & grandpa had to go and get maintenance because i was just utterly useless, and they were equally horrified & said they'd never seen anything like it.

i managed to save some items that were irreplaceable (journals, notebooks, etc) and whatever clothes werent utterly soaked in mold. all of my cookware, my books, my laptop & desktop (i cried the hardest when i saw the desktop) - it was all ruined. we found out later that the water boiler in my apartment had a catastrophic failure while i was gone, which caused it to constantly send water back through the pipes, empty, and refill itself. my bedroom was directly above the boiler downstairs, so it got the most significant amount of damage. all told, i lost like 95% of the things i owned. it is possible that i could have saved more, but the amount of mold in that apartment made it a genuine safety hazard for me to even be in there, so i had very limited time to grab what i could. the cruelest irony of all that? my shithead ex-friend's room, which was on the other side of the hallway, was pretty much untouched. he lost absolutely nothing lol.

so immediately, i had to leave the state. i moved back to ny with my family. my mother - who had a stroke last year following a diagnosis of an exceedingly rare neurological disorder, AND had two separate brain surgeries to improve her quality of life - was in the process of getting evicted. the landlord didnt give a fuck about any of my moms situation, not her being disabled, not her being widowed, not her having 3 kids under the age of 18 to care for - he just wanted her out so he could increase the cost of rent on our house. at the same time as all this was going on, i got saddled with a $600 electric bill (likely caused by the water heater's malfunction), which neither insurance nor the apartment would pay, so it came out of my pocket. in addition, i found out in december that i was also getting laid off.

we had nowhere to go and couldnt afford to live anywhere in the tri-state area. we had no choice but to move somewhere much cheaper, and since my mom already had a friend living in a mid-atlantic state, we chose to move there. the eviction went through in january and we had less than 2 weeks to pack all our shit, find a place to live, and get the fuck out. needless to say, we were not successful lol.

we stayed in my grandparents 1 bedroom apartment for about a week, then all of us drove down together to stay with my moms friend in her 3 bedroom apartment (she has 5 kids, 3 of whom live in the apartment). my moms apartment, which was supposed to have been ready by january 31st, still had people actively living there. the property manager kept promising us it would be next week for the entire month of february, to the point that my mom got fed up and chose to rent a small house instead. the reality of being essentially homeless for that time was beyond horrifying, and having anywhere between 8-10 people in that house (my cousin also moved with us, but he stayed in a hotel for the first week) was more taxing than i can express.

but things have gotten a lot better since then. i also found a cute little house to rent just up the road from my moms, and its very cheap for its size. i still havent found a job yet, but thanks to what was essentially the liquidation of everything i owned, ill be ok for a couple months more. im slowly but surely repurchasing all the things i lost and trying to acclimate to the new environment. things are still not totally stable right now, but they are slowing down, and at this point thats all i can really ask for lol.

so yeah. if u were wondering why i suddenly stopped posting after literal years of posting every day, thats why LMAO

[weebsinstash]

Im not gonna say puerto ricans don't say tio to mean guy bc maybe they do (I've personally never heard it. Honestly even meaning uncle it's rare in PR usually I hear titi/tito for aunt/uncle) but tio (meaning guy) is specifically such a spaniard thing to say, honestly when we mock the spanish we do it saying tio.

Honestly the fact I even know that is because I read it secondhand on tumblr somewhere💀 or I mean, I've heard tio meaning uncle before (unless i was earblind lmao), but I had no idea it also meant dude until, you know. Recently.

bruh I bet Miles learned that in Spanish class at school, I think I remember seeing a post somewhere where they said "maybe miles wouldn't have a b in Spanish if he wasn't doing Spain Spanish in school and Puerto Rican Spanish at home" or something to that effect, idk, unless they're teaching Mexican Spanish at his school and Miles is just genuinely struggling so hard he pulled from a third form of Spanish he ain't even formally learning 😂

Gotta admit, Miles teaching Reader horrible Spanish/Spanglish would be a cute sorta thing to get under Miguel's skin, and I actually did, uh, write this a while back for funsies lol (although I keep forgetting to use those recommended translator sites so, using Google translate I know will set me on the wrong path lmao)

Reader be like "oh Miguel hates Spanglish? Let me tease the fuck out of this man 👏" but like this is one of those drafts that goes absolutely nowhere lmao, it's some dialogue and then Reader saying something to Jess that he actually wasn't supposed to hear and then done haha

I just. I like didn't even finish one Spanish class ok, I had a part of a Spanish class in middle school and obviously im, 26 now, aging 😩 Miguel could be speaking Spanish talking about leaving me in the bottom of a ravine to die of starvation and as long as he's saying it A Tone I'd be like "o-ok then, whatever you say 😳 i dont know what youre saying but you sound sexy saying it"

I'm just kind of. I'm weird because I can be extremely shy but once I'm comfortable or at least drunk or high or something I can be a huge teasing agitating shit disturber and I keep thinking of Reader just being INAPPROPRIATE with this man

Reader, after 3 glasses down at Spidey Margherita night, looking at Miguel from across the room: look at Miguel over there, just, being gorgeous. Fuck him. His tits are bigger than mine, his ass is fatter than mine, and his waist is smaller than mine. What the fuck. Who let him get away with that. He's lucky this isn't one of the universes where I can get HIM pregnant

Jess, the unfortunate soul who gets to make sure you get home: Girl, you know he can hear you right? Super hearing, genetically spliced, remember?

Reader: bulllllshit, it isn't THAT good, we're so far away, and it's loud in here. Look, I'll prove it. Hey Miguel, you want me to suck that dick?

VIOLENT CHOKING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM, GLASS SHATTERING, DRINK DROPPED ON FLOOR. Miguel O'Hara found dead in Miami as he looks immediately at you with the most.... girl he doesn't even know how to react right now! He's embarrassed, he's shocked, he's... aroused??? Jess is giving you the most "oh my god you did not just say that" look as you're chugging the rest of your drink and exiting stage right because ohhhhhh my god you can never look him in the eyes ever again (but he'll remember this and seek you out later, don't worry 😉)

[fuck-customers]

💋

CW/TW self harm and depression

three times, THREE FUCKING TIMES today I caught people opening shit who then tried to argue with me on why they should be allowed to. I understand why you might want to open it, no that doesn’t make it okay. If you need to see it that fucking badly then bring it to me and I’ll open it and check it for you.

“It’s already opened/these other ones have already been opened.” Okay? That doesn’t mean you get to open shit too. If there’s opened ones then bring it to me and I will defect them.

“I need to make sure it hasn’t been used.” I understand that and as I said before, if you’re concerned about that then fucking ask me before you rip the shit open. This is literally why we have this policy of no opening shit- bc it keeps people from using the product. Therefore, DONT FUCKING OPEN IT

“I can’t buy something if I don’t know what it looks like!” Yes you can. We are incredibly lenient in our return policy, if you don’t like it you can bring it back even if you’ve used it. Wait to open it til after you buy it. Jesus fucking Christ

And then after having to deal with all this bullshit, I have a ton of people bitching at me for telling them to leave when we close.

“But I need some wine.” You don’t NEED wine. Go to the fucking gas station if you WANT wine

“My son wants some juice can I go get some?” No, again, this is not a necessity and you can go to the gas station or better yet, your crotch goblin can just go without.

“But I need to get laundry detergent to replace the one I just returned.” Then you should’ve come earlier. If you needed it that bad you would’ve planned better. Not my fucking problem, you are literally keeping me from going on my break. This lady even had the gall to call me rude when she’s the one asking to get special treatment after hours. FUCK OFF

god this job is destroying my psyche. I’ve been trying for months to find something better and nothing can beat this pay, even though I can barely afford my bills at my current rate. It’s made me bitter and burnt out and angry and I’m so tired of feeling this way. I don’t get to do shit anyone else my age does bc all I do is fucking work to try and keep my head above water. I’ve given up all my hobbies. I can’t even afford to eat three meals a day. I practically live in this fucking store and for what? So I still can’t afford all my bills? What is the fucking point??? It’s gotten to the point where I’ve had multiple mental breakdowns, I started self harming, I just can’t fucking do this anymore but I have nowhere else to go. And now back to school is right aeound the corner and I can’t wait to be triggered left and right by all these parents blowing hundreds of dollars on their precious kids. While said precious kids make my job a living fucking hell. I can’t do another back to school season I just can’t. I’m gonna lose my fucking mind. God I just want out

Posted by admin Rodney.

[wrennnies]

HEY TUYS IM NOT DEAD

so in the last month ive been on holiday and then got sucked into inazuma eleven, since i was alresdy playing it ill give a short summary of what i thought (plus inaxuma eleven 2) and also the anime!!! (though shorter bc i watched it in a dub of a language i barely know) ill try and play all the inazuma eleven 3 games, i only watched the first season of inazuma eleven go tho.

inazuma eleven 1: it was great!!!! unfortunately ive been endeared to bobby shearers. also i thought the erik plotline went nowhere but i was supposed to get him before kirkwood.... the last battle i beat by mere happenstance, whoops!!! i lovedit tho. ALSO someone pls answer this: are zeus like.... genetically modified humans????? cuz it neverr gets answered, ray darks way of speaking was SO VAGUE. like is the research abt the boys or the steroids????

also nellys so cool i love her. the anime was super cool, but i was confused with its 127 eps since i only played the first game so i thought it mightve been like some anime only stuff??? turns out theres more than one inazuma eleven game.

i think the anime adapted the game pretty well, from what i could understand but i thought celia was way meaner abt jude in the game??? idk if its bc she has the “im gonna end ur life” face all the time in that game that made me think that though.... probably since shes like way more "innocent and cute" in the second game (todd ironside is so wrird i HATE HIMM in the first game)

anyway inazuma eleven 2!!!!!

great game, i called shawn shibuya since i didnt know his english name, or his Japanese one for that matter. the reason i chose shibuya was because i played twewy right before seeing him, and he looks like a shibuya.

speaking of which, i had some names for the people i didnt know the names of!! heres a list of the more interesting ones:

shawn: shibuya

victoria: peach (because her name sounded like peach in the localisation)

sue: girl inlove with erik

dvalin: hades (he looked like a hades)

hurley: dry sea (same reason as victoria)

darren: knockoff mark (look i didnt know anything abt this guy)

knockoff axel (i dont remember his name im sorry but his hairs kinda styled the same way????)

archer: giacomo????? giakomo???? i literally have no idea who or ehat a gyacomo is i just saw him and said "giackomo" SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHO GIACOMO IS, maybe i mixed gakupos name and komo os name together???? but WHY????

camilla: kori (i played time hollow before this and they looked kinda similar)

anyway back on task i really liked the girls, even if they got their ass kicked most of the time... like everyone else 😭😭 also jack was so sexist like WHATTT least mark was like yeah u come over here NOW.

the love stuff was cool, i savestated to ge everyones dialogue lol... i think my favs either toris or celias, its hilar that they dont even CONSIDER celia to be gf material 😭😭😭 but thats fine with me, love her. i liked how nathans mental breakdown was done in the anime betterr than the game since he left himself and bot bc he got the shit beat outta him. also SHAWN FROSTE. KIND????? HE CALLED CLOISTER DIVINITY "CLOTH EARED BEGGARS" AND TOLD SOMEONE THAT THEY HAD A FACE ONLY A MOTHER WOULD LOVE FUCK YOU MEAN KIND???? blunts more accurare i think. hes also scottish so i thought hurleyd be welsh since shawn was scottish and hes north uk so i thought west would be welsh... even if that makes no sense. AND SOUNDTOWN IS SO FUNNY like "hed kill the coach to get that key" lmao???? some of the character sprites are.... interestinf!!!! victoria definitely looks better in the anime 😭😭😭

nah but to learn that these orphans were just cosplaying their ocs while bombing schools is insane LIKE THET GET NO REPRECUSSIONS???? THEY DESTROYRD SCHOOLS ANDI KNOW THEYRE ALL LIKE 12 BUT STILL???? also dvalin is such theatre kid, they ALL ARE.

aliens destroying the world via football is honestly so level 5 i think they found their footing.

linas eng voice does NOT suit her LMAO itsl like a teenagers voice like thats a grown ass woman bro

caleb is cool tho love his insane sprite

like did jordan EVER apologise for destorying a bunch of schools??? i prolly shouldnt say bombing cuz they werent bombs...

also i thouggt for SURE this franchise would be more popular like ONLY 2,861 FICS ON AO3 FROM A SERIES THAT LARGE????? FUCK OFF... LIKE PROFRSSOR LAYTON HASLIKE TEN THOUDAND OR SMTH STUPID??? and i also need to know which game i can recruit professor layton to football fight with me

and jordan was done SO DIRTY in sesson 3 LIKE NOOO COME BACK :(((((

and i thought axel x mark would be WAYYY more popular than it is???? like i cant believe caleb x jude is the most popular thing on ao3 😭😭

also i cant believe jordan and xavier adopted kariya and its ONLY MENTIONED IN THE DISCONTINUED GACHA GAME???? like isnt that breaking SOME sort of workplace relationship rule?????

im glad to see nelly and mark together, tho it makes me a bit sad to think what silvia wouldve thought bc she def was there when it happened, i also read some of the fandom pages for them and he gets married to camilla in an au???? like GOD silvia cant catch a BREAK

also go was really good!!! hate that pikachu fucker though. /j they got people that arent british!!!! and i got spoilt via my sister. cant believe hurley whirley wasnt in season ine tho wtf. caleb also lookslike a middle aged mother when hes older lmao. i also hate that fuck ass dog for a moment i thoight he was gonna start talking like a certain other level five dog i could name, SHERLY.

and im guessing tenma isnt in orion bc hes dead since axel wasnt alienating himself to save him that time....

i got spoilers and i thought that shawns dead bro was actually alive 😭😭😭 in inazuma eleven

descole and stahnguns secret love child is also cool, love the new captain even if hes rich and plays piano

and i think thats it!!!! thanks for reading if uve read this far lol

[free-my-boy-grumbot]

Ranking the ASOUE parts because I’m bored and my friend isn’t online

i would love to keep it extensive but i also don’t want tumblr to crash so i will keep it brief. spoilers, obviously. also charcater death.

13. The Grim Grotto

Listen just because it’s 13th doesn’t mean it’s BAD, it just means i’m kinda indifferent to it as opposed to obsessing over it like i do with the others. It’s just that I’m not THAT into nautical themes and I have 2 nautical-themed assignments to do in school today so I’m a little sick of it.

Also, I’m just not that big on Fiona as a character. I didn’t really like the two-girls-hate-each-other-for-no-reason thing that she had going with Violet (especially because it was really out of charcater for her), her romance with Klaus seemed out of place, and her being related to Fernald just seemed like it was pulled out of nowhere to get an emotional reaction. Again, I get why you’d like her and the part, it’s just not for me personally. Also esme’s worst outfit was featured here. Also in the netflix series it just wasn’t as funny as the other ones and that’s a huge thing for me

12. The Wide Window

Honestly didn’t expect this one to be so low, but it’s difficult to choose between these bc i love them all </3 anyways I actually liked Josephine as a charcater, I like the idea that she wants to help the children but is rendered basically incompetent because of her fear, they really popped off with that. HOWEVER they did a very similar thing with Hector but way better so alas </3 12th place

Also like I said, not a massive fan of sea-themed aesthetics. Also also I LOVE all of count olaf’s disguises but I’m kind of indifferent to captain Sham so that also might be why. Also, again, the rest of the netflix series was way funnier

11. The Carnivorous Carnival

Honestly, not much to say about this one. The “not really feeling strongly one way or the other” section has come early this year apparently. Esme and Olivia both SLAYED in their outfits and we got introduced to the circus crew which was cool as fuck. Sadly I have knocked SEVERAL points off for horny count olaf. The scene where he describes madame lulu as buttered really makes you appreciate how little force it takes to rip one’s ear off. It provides me with a new and informed understanding of the phrase “skin crawling”. other than that it’s pretty good :)

10. The Slippery Slope

Now I was one of those people who didn’t know what Mount Fraught syndrome was before reading this book, and the reveal of why the mountain was named that fucking eviscerated me. I was used to this series pulling shit like this constantly and yet this one destroyed me for some reason. If you already knew what mount fraught syndrome was before reading/watching this scene then you didn’t get the full experience and i’m sorry for you.

I also don’t LOVE quigley and violet. I know i just said that about klaus and fiona so it kinda seems like i hate romance, but i really dont. i hate forced romance. romance just isn’t daniel handlers strong suit but he insists on writing it anyway, and that’s fine. it’s what i do with basically everything i write about. Especially since in the netflix series duncan also has a crush on violet so it’s kinda ??? for her to end up with quigley. like do you guys think when quigley and duncan reunited quigley told him about this really cool girl called violet he met and duncan was like “…”. anyways imagine getting cucked by your presumed dead twin brother could not be me

9. The Austere Academy

okay so i felt bad putting this lower because i know someone that really likes this part but i’m sorry it’s just kinda there. i mean it was super funny and the dead horse bit is literally everything but that’s pretty much it. idk maybe there’s a metaphor in there that i’m missing who knows

also olivia was introduced so bonus points for that i guess. she reminds me of miss honey from matilda <33

8. The Ersatz Elevator

honestly i feel bad that this is only 8th but there are so many good ones imsorry. anyways esme and jerome got introduced in this one which gives is a LOT of extra points. i love esme and i pity jerome which makes me also love him. also shoutout to günther for being the only count olaf disguise that could theoretically get it.

my only issue with it is that jerome disowning the baudelaires was kinda forced yk?? like i know it had to happen for the plot to carry on but i don’t think he had a good reason to do it. i guess points for doing something other than just killing them off again?

7. The End

OKAY so you might be thinking “oh, this part is exactly in the middle! surely that means you’re neuteral about it” LMAO I WISH i have extreme positive and negative opinions.

okay so first off it took me a couple of rewatches to get this one because when i first watched it i didn’t know about the quote that it was referencing (“religion is the opium of the people”) but MAN they mentioned that quote in class and i was catatonic for like 2 minutes because oh my god. not only did the incredibly deadly viper come back (yippieee) but they also implied that in the bible adam and eve were actually saved from something by eating the fruit?? the 4chan atheist that lives in my head really likes this one, is what i’m saying. also i know i say that about all of them because my sense of humour is basically based on this series rn but it was so funny. i live and breathe for olaf’s lil christopher columbus moment.

sadly it does have its downsides (olaf and kit) (i really hate olaf and kit) (i don’t think they’re good together). i mean SURELY kit has better taste than that. i mean don’t get me wrong they’re both my favourite characters but they have no common ground on literally anything. plus this is biased but i liked him better with georgina or esme because they remind me of several songs i really like. they literally just pulled the kit x olaf thing out of their ass so that olaf would have some semblance of a reason to die. oh yea i also think olaf didn’t need to die, i know Kit didn’t eat the antidote because it would have affected the baby but olaf could have totally eaten it!! he was offered it!! he wasn’t pregnant!!! it was so out of charcater for him not to eat it!!

6. The Hostile Hospital

Okay this one is SUPER biased because as y’all probably know i love the mad scientist trope it is my favourite trope ever AND i love count olaf so seeing them get put together was so cool. I know I keep bringing this up but i really do love the aesthetics they’re so cool. also also loved all the horror film references. most importantly (actually not that important) esmes outfit went so fucking hard literally i will never recover from the sheer power and moxie of Knife Heels. When I become actually talented at textiles i will recreate her outfit and probably ruin my carpet with those heels.

5. The Bad Beginning

a classic <33 the netflix version of this was literally one of the funniest eps of anything i ever watched i could feel my brain chemistry being rearranged as i watched it. also count olaf’s best era idc what he did he was literally just being sillay. also it has one of the best songs in the series honestly. OH ALSO justice strauss <33 and the troupe <333 literally all the beloveds are here there are no flaws

4. The Reptile Room

MONTY <333 HIIII MONTYYYY <33333333 literally my fav character he has never done anything wrong in his life ever. Also I love his fucking house it’s so cool if I had that much money I too would base my entire house on my special interest. also one of the only parts of the nickelodeon movie i didn’t hate so that’s fun.

3. The Miserable Mill

Lots of cool shit here!! First of all Shirley served astronomical amounts of cunt she had zero bad lines. Also I honestly think Georgina and Olaf were so underrated they remind me of several songs i like also they’re both fucked up and evil <333 she’s like esme but without the ulterior sugar bowl motives. also the fact that her name is GEORGINA ORWELL like ok. queen of subtlety. Like I get it if I was named that I would prolly start hypnotising people too. I also kinda love orwellian themes yk those are always fun.

AND OMG HOW COULD I FORGET CHARLESSS i feel so bad for him constantly he has never done anything wrong in his life and is also inexplicably british i love him sm

2. The Penultimate Peril

I love a good reunion episode tbh i love seeing all the characters together <33 also like this episode is so fun to dissect? (is that the right word?) i loved figuring out who JS was i loved finding differences between Frank and Ernest I loved figuring out what the fuck was going on it was so fun it’s like the best thing about this series.

of course that’s only partially true tpp would be nothing without those sexy sexy monologues

1. The Vile Village

TVV BELOVED <33 I have a separate post about the but they literally have everything. it’s a metaphor for autism it’s a metaphor for religion it’s a metaphor for the school system is there anything they CANT do. Also this is like my 5th time saying this but there are 300+ characters and i’m an indecisive bitch so i will do it again. Hector the actual loml is literally my fav charcater hes so me. don’t worry dude i cant openly defy authority despite knowing its unjust either <3 literally we would be best friends irl. she’s RELATABLE she’s MORALLY AMBIGUOUS she has SEVERAL INTERPRETATIONS I AGREE WITH she’s STRANGE she’s everything you want in an asoue book honestly

Also detective dupin and officer luciana kinda slayed what was Wrong with them <3

[murdrdocs]

boy do i have a funny story for you🤩

I met this guy on my birthday on the fucking Bahamas (I’m from Connecticut (usa obvi)) and turns out he’s also from Connecticut AND HE LIVES 30 MINS AWAY. He was on a different cruise so I didn’t see him for the rest of my trip. then later that night when I’m getting ready for my birthday dinner we find out one of my dogs died. So the rest of the trip is shit and no one’s really in the mood for anything, but I get back home and start hanging out with this guy (I literally spent almost 12 hours with him one day) and him and I are calling every single night and then out of nowhere he’s suddenly not talkative and barely texts me for a few days, and I asked if he wanted to hangout since I was thinking maybe that would fix whatever problem occurred. How fucking wrong I was. He texts me this morning and literally says this: “Hey I’ve been thinking recently and I think it’s best for us both to go our separate ways before school starts. All the dates we’ve been on have been super fun and you’re a super cool person. But I can’t see how this can work out going into football and school, I will have little to no time to talk to you with the 3 hour practices and the weekend games and as much as I’ve enjoyed spending time with you I don’t want to advance to far into the relationship just to not be able to spend any time with you. I’m sorry this had to be over text but I simply could not muster up the courage to tell you on a call.” (This sounds like we’re in highschool but we’re not I promise😭) and I told him I genuinely really appreciated the fact that he told me and I’m really grateful for his communication skills, but it just fucking sucks bc I really liked him and I could tell he liked me. (I’m also trying to get him to rethink😁)

anyways I’m so sorry for how long this was and I totally understand if you don’t want to respond or even read this since it’s depressing, but if you do then thank you so much<3 I adore your fics too!

anon i read all of this and complained to my bsf abt his behavior bc like ?? this shit always happens to ppl around me and its always so unfair. i wish i had advice for you but my only advice u probably dont wanna hear (rhymes w smeave smim smalone) but lmk what happens (if anything changes).

[x3aspiration]

uberhood (1-3) grunt

last part!

i used to refuse to play the grunt household as a kid because it's a bunch of guys but i love them sm now , especially tank my beloved

to start here's their traits :P

buzz: hot-headed, no sense of humor, mean spirited, supernatural skeptic, athletic

tank: athletic, hot-headed (i think im gonna change this though cause he really hasnt been), shmoozer, ambitious

ripp: artistic(his one true hobby is arts & crafts), avant-garde, friendly, rebellious

and i think buck was friendly, slob, something else lol i forgot to take a pic :(

strange trio hangout day :P except in that pool picture i literally thought he was fucking drowning i was so scared . i dont think ive ever seen sims float on their back in the pool

buck brought home bottom summerdream from school!!!

ripp snuck out and literally ophelia shows up in a limo!!!!

morning workout time , i hc that now buzz literally just gave up with the other two and is banking on tank carrying their family name

ripp wants to be friends with mortimer goth?? cant imagine why

johnny showed up completely unannounced and buzz was all salty abt it

the resolve is that they just hang out outside

after johnny left they had family pizza night!! minus tank because he in the other room

i was near in tears over how evil he looks dude its so funny

ripp skipped school & work then had johnny and ophelia over and when tank got home johnny literally just rocked his shit like out of nowhere

it was so shocking bc tank was on his way to go talk to johnny to start their enemy to lovers arc LMFAOO

he was crying about it in the bathroom while johnny was in there (johnny came in their and stopped him from being able to shower)

i loooove the grunt family im so excited for them to go to college xPPP

next part!

[slothgiirl]

the trashpile: dympna devers

reader runs into dymphna while picking up some groceries. is cleaning out her dead alcoholic fathers place (who probs did drugs too,,mb?). she gets annoyed and snaps at him and he thinks its hot bc everyone else just does what he wants them too

reader takes a walk pretty late because shes sad that her dad died and even tho they had no relationship its like now theres no way he’ll get better and be a dad, hes just gone. dymphna pulls up in his car, tells her to get in, he’ll drive her back. she doesnt want to. he gets out of the car, leaving it running and talks her into taking a ride with her. (he was trying to be friendly in his own obnoxious grandiose way) they end up parking and drinking together and then they fuck. he complains shes prissy bc uni. reader comments uni is just fucking and going to class for exams. “maybe i shouldve gone to uni then?”

reader starts taking her dads stuff to donation centers. breaks apart the table and tries to figure out if she should just leave it on the curb or take it all the way there. takes a break outside, trying to work through the complicated emotions she has over his death. dymphna spots her and is like i can call arm to help u and shes all like oh why dont u just help urself, thinking hes sort of spoiled in the same way the posh girls at her boarding school were even though hes a pretty trashy wanna be gangster. hes all “id help with the right incentive” she tells him to fuck off but ends up blowing him (and getting him to help).

dymphna takes reader to bar. they play pool and he messes with her. reader notices ppl r looking at her and the way they treat him and she wasnt born yesterday like she knows what it means to be a devers but idk shes into his confident aggression. they have drinks and dymphna ditches arm to go fuck the reader back at his. readers like um dont ditch ur friend? but lets it go quick. wakes up alone and his sisters r like “u came out of nowhere” being bitchy and sussing reader out

reader runs into arm and his family. is not surprised his son is on the spectrum and offers to have her mom write a letter of recommendation so she can get the job at the school in Cork. “ur dymphna’s woman.” “hardly, think i'd remember agreeing to that” 

dymphna shows up at her house late at night and makes a fuss until she opens up. they fuck and he learns she handles customer complaints for some websites (compsci major) reader tries to make appointment to sell house but ends up delaying (still mourning her loss). dymphna takes her out for breakfast. 

reader wakes up at his house. this time dymphna is there and reader complains about the mold in the bathroom. they all give her shit for it and dymphna tells arm to figure that out but readers all no dont- charlie asks if its true she went to uni and reader says yeah, it was a bitch but i finished as dymphna pulls her onto his lap to watch tv. she means to get up and leave but feels comfortable and realizes she has a lot of feelings for him

theres a party at the devers and reader and charlie find a corner and nurse a beer while charlie wonders if she might go to uni. reader goes to get another drink and sees dymphna and his uncle doing coke. reader passes on the coke (not stupid). dymphna makes introductions and his uncle comments its probably best she doesnt do coke (look at ursula) reader snaps that its not anyones fault and his uncle is like uve got lip (control ur woman) and dymphna tells her to shut the fuck up yeah babe? reader gets annoyed and goes to bed (when she should just leave) 

reluctantly cleans the bathroom bc fuck shes not using anything when she can see mold and grime built up (scale i think its called on tile?). complains to dymphna that hes a big fish small pond but still takes his uncles shit and dymphna yells at her getting pissed off that she doesnt understand how business is done. throw things at each other and fuck. after he talks about family and stuff (heavy implication he wants her to be his wife) ill take care of u. reader: i make 80k i dont need anyone

theres some party where ppl get pissed drunk. reader doesnt like dymphna getting high and drunk. it reminds her of her father only her dad got comatose and dymphna gets short tempered and somehow even more wild. charlie and reader hide out in her room. charlie mentions sooner or later he’ll come looking for her and readers like ill kick his arse. charlie laughs and asks if reader will help her with her schoolwork. totally. charlie: i thought u were leaving tho reader: idk anymore. finnigan stumbles in and reader tells charlie to go and throws a bottle at the man but misses. he pins her down on the bed but she manages to grab the lamp and smash it on his head. reader is shaking when dymphna comes in to see what the fuck is going on. reader is like “help me take care of this” he agrees. (shes way more hardcore and cool than he is)

reader has arm and dymphna make it look like finnigan was drunk and drove himself off a cliff. arm drives them back into town. dymphna holds reader close. “we take care of each other” “yeah” 

notes: charlie goes to uni and breaks the cycle. reader and dymphna have their weird toxic codependent relationship and reader eventually takes over the family business

[wielderofthechainsaw]

kind of a vent

ive had a really bad day. Lets start from the top. I had an overdue book that had been apparently out for 3 YEARS. and the money i had to pay the school back was $30. So today, i brought $30. During recess i go to the library with my two friends who i’ll call Fish and Ex-wife. Ok, so me, Fish and Ex-Wife were sitting at a table and talking, and i get up, i SHOW THEM THE CASH and i say “im gonna give this to the librarian for a book i never gave back, brb” so theyre both like “alr” so i tell the librarian about what happened and she asked me what book it was, so i say “if the world were a village”. She looked up my account and saw the book that was overdue and shes like “ok, you dont have to pay me right now because i swear i saw that book last week, im going to check the library first, if i dont find it then you can pay me.” So i say “alright!” Skip to around lunchtime; we were just finishing off a math lesson until three kids come in saying theyre doing a cookie sale for $2 and ask if anyone was interested and so i raise my hand and say “yeah, me!” So i give them a five dollar bill, and i get $3 and the cookie i wanted. And out of nowhere my OTHER long-time (6 years) friend who i’ll call ‘baddie’ claimed she had $5 in her desk and started saying I STOLE IT! She told the teacher and basically all her friends in the class. She was talking another friend of mine who i’ll call ‘Doja Crap’ and she whispering about me. Sinc ei was in a really bad mood i had lost my appetite and i was too busy forcung myself to eat my lunch to hear what they were saying, but my cousin Fish tood me what they were talking about, and apparently Doja Crap was like ‘call her (me) out’ LIKE CALL ME OUT FOR WHAT??? And Fola was like ‘im gonna asked to have my desk changed’ and ‘i should call my mom’ LIKE GIRL JUST ADMIT YOU LOST YOUR FUCKING MONEY AND MOVE ON. WE’VE BEEN FRIENDS FOR SIX FUCKING YEARS AND IT TOOK EVERYTHING IN MY NOT TO CUSS HER OUT. LIKE I DIDNT KNOW IF I WANTED TO YELL OR CRY! IM SO FUCKIN SAD MAN BC WEVE BEEN LIKE 🤞FOR YEARS AND YEARS! I WAS LITERALLY BADDIES FIRST FRIEND WHEN SHE FIRST MOVED TO MY SCHOOL LIKE GIRL WHAT?? WHY ARE YOU ACCUSING ME OF SOMETHING YOU KNOW I WOULDNT DO?! But yeah, its kinda been crappy.

[ankhisms]

have experienced what feels like 800 emotions in rapid succession on a rollercoaster today and it hasnt even really been a bad day honestly or anything im fine you know how it is

my mood swings have just been a lot stronger than they usually are since thats one of the biggest things my meds are for theyre like supposed to be a mood swing stabelizer but anyway

something that im aware is related to my more severe paranoia and obsessive compulsive issues but is less severe and more just adjacent to those is like being scared that im somehow a hypocrite about various random things or that im somehow secretly an awful horrible person who hurts people and does bad things without me even realizing that im doing that. im also aware that this very much stems from the way my abuser treated me and also the behavior of ""friends"" i had when i was younger who just now as im older i realize honestly didnt even like me and kept me around to make fun of me and be cruel to me together as a kind of group bonding thing.

which sucks because when im doing self soothing techniques and trying to calm myself down or even just approaching these thoughts and talking myself thru things it can be hard to counter the fear of "what if my friends or people i know in general actually talk together about how im an awful person and they hate me or talk together about how ive done something wrong without telling me?" with "no thats not fair or true and not based in reality" because it very much WAS reality for me. not in the sense of me having done something "wrong" in the past with those ""friends"" but like them being cruel to me and making fun of me when i wasnt around and the things i did ""wrong"" were just my autistic traits and other symptoms of my various mental things especially during that period of my life where i was completely unmedicated and had just gotten away from my abuser and was still in the awful school environment of being harrassed every single day.

anyway its really like. i know i shouldnt worry about this, rationally i know this. but just because i know something isnt rational it doesnt make my brain stop obsessively thinking about it so its like i could see someone saying "i hate when people go to the moon and jump up and down and sing the abcs" (ridiculous example bc i cant think of anything else) and i could at first go oh yeah i get that and like their post but then my brain will go but what if ive done that without realizing it and they see me liking their post and they go "ugh rey this post is about YOU and people like you and youre such a hypocrite and dont even know it" and the spiral begins. and in the end i guess all of this just goes to show that having people pretend to be friends with you only to hate you and ridicule you and pick apart every little thing you do behind your back really fucks you up.

also thinking about the ex close friend who cut me off out of nowhere with no explanation for seemingly no reason about a year or so ago now and ive continued to have kind of taking off the rose tinted glasses moments where i loved and cherished this friend so much that i excused how shitty they treated me at different times. not at all saying they are or were a bad person or that there was any abuse going on or anything like that but im just realizing that we both come from dysfunctional abusive families and we both have our own physical and mental problems and so throughout our friendship we both mightve not made the best choices or couldve handled things better and im not exempt from that. but also i realized that he would not tell me if i had done something to upset him and it would be like a guessing game for me and would really stress me out and make me feel awful

and its like. now as im older i would want to be able to talk things out and understand what had happened and be able to apologize and work on doing better. and in general thats something i really try my best on like i think in the past i would really get stuck in obsessively overthinking in self analyzing and get into moral obsessive compulsive spirals that just ended up hurting myself more than helping me grow, and anyway i always want to be able to step back and look at myself and my actions and be willing to listen if someone tells me ive done something hurtful or that i need to re-examine my behavior and beliefs, i think im pretty good at listening to people about stuff like that and have gotten much better about not falling into those spirals i just mentioned and examining myself in smaller healthier doses

but at the same time i do really get worried that people just arent telling me that theyre upset with me or that ive done something wrong or hurt them in some way. i really just want to be a good friend to people and i dont want people to be scared of coming to me and talking with me if ive done something to hurt them or to just talk about things with me in general and i dont want people to think im so fragile and mentally fucked up that theyd be scared of upsetting me by telling me id done something hurtful and letting it fester instead. i dont want to hurt people i want to spend my life making people happy and helping people and being a good friend, thats what i want most out of my relationships in life overall. i want to make people feel content and happy and safe.

but idk i just get scared. please be honest with me be upfront with me be blunt with me even i know im traumatized but i wont shatter into a million pieces if you tell me youre upset with me ill appreciate you being honest about it and ill stop whatever it was i was doing or work on it. i know im bad with social cues bc of autism and if i misunderstand something or say something inappropriate/out of my lane due to this please just tell me yknow

i really hate that my brain is like this and that having been abused and mistreated in the past has made me struggle like this because i want to trust that people arent talking badly about me or angry with me secretly i dont want to be so paranoid i dont want people to feel like they cant be honest with me or that im made of glass and that ill shatter if they tell me theyre upset with me, i want to trust that the people in my life like me and dont secretly hate me and im really trying hard but paranoia isnt something i can just magically wave away yknow its something im probably going to be dealing with for most of my life and im always kind of scared that people are going to get tired of my paranoia

despite living in survival mode constantly i still love all the people in my life a lot and i just want everyone to be happy and safe and i always wish there was more i could do to help everyone and i want everyone to be able to thrive and to be living comfortably and have all their needs met and to get all the help they need i love everyone a lot i want everyone to be okay and yeah

have also been majorly overthinking about if i want to do something that im being vague about as i ramble about it which i know is silly and its not even like something bad or negative but i just keep overthinking about the possible what if scenarios of oh what if i do this and they react really badly and cut me off and never want to talk to me again and due to this im also unfortunately like overthinking most things recently and being even MORE scared than usual of coming off as weird or being weird and making people uncomfortable but aint that just the way yknow. ill either do it or ill be a coward

anyway besides that my days been pretty decent its a lovely early autumn day. after typing this all i realized im probably feeling super emotional and weird because i just started my period lmao but thanks if you read this i love u mwah

[paralien]

Is it dual wielding 50% school and night shifts or is it me that's giving me at work panic attacks. is it a me issue? sorry I'm like barely holding back a world breaking anxiety/panic attack at work and using all my will power to sit very still and breathe normally so this might be a long one but like, is it a me issue? am I just bad at managing my time and myself and is it me that's causing the world to feel like it's ending?

I mean, the world feels like it's ending for very many reasons that like, I refuse to properly share even on the over sharing website or w people i know which might be it like. I've got it in my head that as long as I just suck it up well enough it'll somehow disappear into a deep dark void never to be seen again and magically, somehow, my friends will talk to me again and I'll stop feeling so awfully world breakingly heart crushing lonely which doesn't even make sense. Because I'm currently living with my best friend and i love them so much so why do i feel so heart breakingly lonely and as if my life is irrapearily broken and destroyed and nothing will ever be well again?

I just, I have a 0 tolerance now for anything going wrong and it's making me isolate because I don't want to lash out but im also tired of the fact that all that'll excit my mouth is hi how are you doing I've been crying for a week straight ♡ like hello shut up shut up shut up what the fuck no one cares! that's stupid shut up! suck it up! I go to work i attend my classes I don't have any time to do my schoolwork bc all i do is sleep and then wake up for work and work and it has to be a me thing how can't I actually find the time to do it I'm supposed to have 8hrs free for school work but all i do is sleep.

I want to be kinder i need to be kinder i need people to love me and miss me and care if I'm here but I currently feel like if I didn't no one would even notice because why would they? I feel so awful. And i dont get it i try so hard to be nice and supportive and kind but does it matter? does it matter. does it? it's so childish. it's so insanely childish I'm in my mid 20s so how can I suddenly end up so unstable iut of nowhere? I'm exhausted of being exhausted and I'm tired of being lonely but I'm too terrified to reach out to people because if they don't do it first and havent done it first in weeks then why does it matter?

I want too much. I think that's what it all boils down to. I want too much and i can't have it and I can't speak up about wanting it either because how childish is that? how childish how foolish how absolutely ridiculous. how stupid.

I wish I could break into a million pieces and everyone would say how sad and they'd feel sorry for me but i can't those pieces are no ones responsibility but my own. how silly how foolish i just want attention but that's selfish so so selfish so i can't ask for it. I just want a hug. I want someone to hold my hand. I want someone to hold me in a tight embrace for hours until I feel steady again like i can breathe again and i think I had a realization and I can't I can't. I don't want to be selfish i don't want to be a burden i don't want them to grow tired of me. I feel like people have already grown tired of me. I've grown tired of me. and I've had a realization and I think ill take it to my grave because I cannot say it i can't how foolish. how absolutely folish. how selfish. how absolutely selfish you are

[firelord-frowny]

dumb

i finallyyyyyyyyyyyyyy went to the national aquarium yesterday omg and had a grand old tiiiiiime and took a ton of pics and videos and i thoroughly enjoyed myself and will elaborate on the enjoyment in the near future!

but first i need to whine about an annoyingly unhappy thing that was hanging in the back of my mind for a lot of the time.

i went with both of my parents, which was fine, bc thats who i wanted to go with.

but i really would have fucking preferred to do it sometime around the FIRST time i asked to go, which was when I was ohhhh, i dunno, A CHILD??? When I was 10, 11, 12, and still aspiring to have a career in zoology. And there was never ever ever a reason why we couldn't go, other than that my parents ~didn't feel like finding parking.~ i can't even tell you all the shit my family has never done together SOLELY because ~it's hard to find parking.~ everyfuckingbody else on earth can find parking! everyfuckingbody else on earth can deal with a lil inconvenience if it means getting to do something fun/memorable or giving someone they love something special. but not my lame ass family!

so, here i am now, a whole 29 years old, FINALLY having a nice day at the damn aquarium with my parents.

and i'm looking around at all these tiny children having the time of their lives with their parents and i couldn't help but feel jealous. :/ I wanted to be a 10 year old running around and demanding that my parents pick me up so I can get a better view of what's swimming near the top of a tall tank. I wanted to nyoom through the gift shop and try out all the different toys and flip through the children's books, blah blah.

anyway, we get to the part of the aquarium that has the touch pools where you get to just fuckin pet stingrays and shit! and i was so excited bc there are so many sea creatures ive always wanted to touch! i touched a horsehoe crab and a jellyfish! IVE ALWAYS WANTED TO PET A JELLYFISH!!! And I was thrilled about it!

but neither of my parents would pet anything!

which i mean, obviously that's their right, and they dont have to touch anything they dont wanna touch, but it just made me feel super isolated and outcast and reemphasized just how utterly alone i've always felt within my own family. literally NOBODY that im related to delights in any of the same things I delight in, and it fucking sucks.

which i mean, duh, that's what ~friendships~ and ~peer groups~ are for, but i feel like most people have at least a LITTLE BIT in common with their families. songs they can listen to together and equally enjoy. places they're equally excited to go to. activities everyone looks forward to with genuine eagerness.

i have none of that and i really really really wish that wasn't the case.

also? a lottttttt of the staff who stand by the exhibits and share ~fun facts~ about various animals/plants/etc were high school volunteers. that's so fucking neat!

and in the back of my mind i was so hyperaware that if i had known about such a volunteer opportunity when i was in high school, there is 0 chance that my parents would have been willing to drive me up to baltimore a few days a week. even if it meant having something fantastic to add to my college applications. even if it meant getting valuable exposure in a career field i was interested in at the time.

i mean, ok, baltimore is about 45-60 minutes from here, which IS a bit of a drive, i know.

but where the fuck else around here would there have been an opportunity to immerse myself in something that was so perfectly aligned with my deepest passions and desires? where, within a 10 or 15 minute drive of my home, would i have been able to stand next to a death adder's terrarium and tell guests all about their extremely potent neurotoxic venom or that even though they're morphologically very similar to vipers, they're actually elapids like cobras and mambas?

nowhere! nowhere!

maybe i could have volunteered down at the rinky dink lil nature center near my house and told 2 people per day that the snake in the tank that's clearly labeled as a corn snake in bigass letters is a corn snake.

just, my enrichment and my exposure to the thing i loved most in the world wouldn't have been worth a few hours of my parents time on weekends and that makes me really kinda fucking sad because now im an entire real life grown adult with 0 of the connections or confidence or skills that i'd need to start living a life that actually incorporates my favorite things on a regular and sustainable basis, and now it's MYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY PROBLEM to try to fill in all the gaps that my parents were content to leave wide open just because they didnt fucking feel like nurturing the person i truly was.

honest to god, i cant look at a place like the national aquarium or the national zoo or any place like that, and feel like i deserve to even volunteer there. i dont feel like i deserve to even sweep the fucking floor. i'm watching the custodial staff mopping down the floor in the dolphin viewing area and all i can think about is how much i don't deserve to even do that. (which, obviously, isn't to say that being a custodian isn't an Important Job that requires its own skillset, but it's not a skillset that you need 4 years of overpriced education to excel at).

bc my dumb brain can't stop thinking: if my own damn parents didn't think i was important enough to expose me to things i was interested in even, WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY would literaally anybody else think i'm worthy of anything at all?? if i'm not important enough to be driven to an amazing volunteer opportunity as a kid, why would that same place think i'm important enough to let me volunteer there even if i did have a ride???? when there are soooooooooo many other kids who ARE important enough for their parents to go out of their way to help them reach their goals?

___________________

AND YOU KNOW WHAT????

my parents did spend significantly more money than most parents spend on their kids for my violin stuff. my violin is Pretty Dang Expensive. they paid out the ass for me to go to tanglewood one summer. they drove me once a week to my violin lessons, which took up a couple hours of their time. i'm appreciative.

but i'm ALSO keenly aware that i literally didn't ask for any of it.

the only thing i DID ask for was to just play the violin in general. but i specifically remember being an orchestra major in middle school and asking my parents if i could take private lessons outside of school, and they unceremoniously told me that no, you greedy little child, we're not paying for more private lessons when you're already in the free music program at school.

but the second i got into high school and my orchestra director told my parents to put me in private lessons, nevermind the fact that i already had free lessons with a very decent teacher at school, my parents signed me up on the spot.

when my violin teacher told my parents to send me to tanglewood, they did. when my violin teacher told my parents to buy me a new, professional quality violin, they did.

they did all of those things because someone who Wasn't Me said it was important.

shit, i remember being like 15 and wanting to get a lil part time job working at petsmart, and they told me i couldn't do it, because they didn't feel like dropping me off or picking me up from the petsmart 10 fucking minutes away from our house.

lmao can you imaginnnneeeee all the confidence and self-actualization i could have developed if even one single thing i asked to do was facilitated and nurtured by my parents?????

and now i have to struggle to learn this shit on my own because it's Not Their Problem if their adult child is struggling??

i hate me.