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phantalgia · 16 days

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9/9/24 - COVID thoughts, Can't Stop Arguing In My Head, Financial Troubles

I’m unsure if I should separate these things into seperate diaries because we have: COVID progress, arguing in my head, and financial troubles (although I’m not sure to what extent). Knowing me, I'll just ramble on about every thing and get too much done. Anyway let's try.

COVID Progress

I think the good news is that my heart hasn't been too much of a problem recently. I suspect that it's mostly triggered by a consistent usage of my heart via exercise. There will be an occasional weird event but it never leads to a spiraling event.

Not sure what changed, but what has changed has been some new symptoms of symptoms I've exerperienced before just more extreme. Also coming and going. Puffy hands and a feeling of my thumb about to pop, extreme nerve pain especially headaches, eye artifacts, tinnitus, pissing myself, nausea digestion issues, dizziness, short of breathe and that respritory alkalosis thing im more sensitive to.

Im pacing a lot still and cant seem to get my mind off things. The pacings themselves dont cause much problems until I become idle. There's a certain irony to them.

Yesterday I did something, I want to keep it private (nothing bad if thats what youre thinking), just caused those headaches to be even worse. I don’t know what to think anymore right now. Part of me doesnt believe I suffer with the things I do and I should get over them.

I mentioned before how these symptoms really feel like things I've experienced before just taken to 11. It's true. Which makes me wonder if there's more to my pre-covid issues. I don’t know. This stuff, ontop of my obsessions, ontop of my idleness in life have really been tearing me down right now. I don’t know where to go. My spelling and ability to think has gotten worse.

The Fake Arguments In My Head

What purpose do these serve? I’m having fake arguments with fake or past people in my head all the time. Man am I that angry? It's not helpful. I’m not gonna prove anything to anyone. Why do I care? It's really the bottom of the barrel stuff getting into "debates" and arguments.

Really, just talking or writing in spaces where you’re free to is better. Not isolated individuals. They just won’t get it and spur of the moment interactions arent good places either. It's a waste of time and even if I were to do it I should take my advice and use personal experience and an introduction to my world instead.

This doesn't help the obsessive arguments. Gosh where did these come from, they're not productive. They cause unnessesary adrenaline surges that I already experience. I don’t need more. I know it's from self hatred, and the disappointment of people coming to unhealthy conclusions about the world after disillusionment.

I read "Does The Left Have Snobby Purity Culture" by Mark Fisher. It was good, I think it was necessary self reflection that I’m being a snobby purist to myself. I have my own inner monolouge punishing me for my past instead of moving forward. My on "leftist" twitter mob canceling me in my head.

He's made good points in that article, many of these people come from positions of privilege and still haven't existed the individualist conditioning modern culture has. Control over others behavior while they are still in process of unlearning isn't fair and is a problem for the left. I dont think many of these people are true leftists. Apologizes for using purity tests myself now.

But yeah, these people still follow a particular set of bourgeois standards that they expect others to follow. They think they have completely disentangled themselves from the dominant cultures grip on them. But just like the gambler who claims to be "an exception to gambling's psychological trickery" nobody is immune to the shadow of dominant culture.

I need to give myself a break here, these fake arguments arent healthy. I don’t know where to go to stop. I still want to filter out people who are right wingers from my sphere of association. But often times people on the left don’t want to hang out with me. So it's like what is the point? Why be a leftist if you have no solidarity in your heart? No vision for something more out of life. Ugh anyway moving on...

Financial Troubles? And Healthcare in the US Rant

Speaking of leftism. Let's talk about how I’m doing with capitalism. Not well. In fact my insurance was billed $700k, yes $700k for simple blood work. Right now, the thinking is "clearly that's a mistake" and it probably is. I get the healthcare system is bad. But it can't possibly be THIS bad.

Bloodwork is still outrageously expensive but to have it cost almost as much as a god damn house?! Even though those houses are still just as expensive. Oh who am I kidding, we're being ripped off out of everything.

It doesn't make sense and it's probably a mistake. Or has to be I mean there is no way. Right now for the past year Ive been a play thing for doctors and a bank for this shit. The amount of times I keep getting sick and feeling sick is making me go through money. Even with insurance.

At some point I gotta give up on going to the doctor and just rot. I cant risk losing more money that I need just to survive. I’m lucky to have insurance but it's really just pathetic how much you still pay.

I still cant believe Americans put up with this. Why cant we all just do a medical debt strike, march on Washington and demand a universal healthcare system? Why are we so pathetic? If this was happening in any other country there would be riots but we've put up with it for years now.

We'd be saving so much money on medical costs and not be giving money to a system that pays for yachts. I mean their entire business model requires that they NOT pay any way they can. Who the hell thought this was a good idea? And why are we still being gaslit?

Really these businesses should be non profit cooperatives with municipal or government subsidies and monitoring. Or even better, a syndicate system connecting them all so they can help out each other based on need. Doctors, nurses, and patients could be representitives to these institutions and have open platforms to discuss funding, and planning and so on.

It'll probably also help in eliminating the toxic power dynamics between doctors and patients. And give patients more power. Easy access to medical knowledge should also be open source to everyone from patients to doctors and should be emphasized. Sigh, but one can only dream I guess.

Done

Anyway, I’m done here. I don’t know what else to say or do today. I just don’t feel good. I want friends, i want community, i need help...

#diary #journal #diary entry #journal entry #personal journal #long covid #mental health #personal vent #healthcare #anarchism #libertarian socialism #socialism #leftism

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mashedcontroller · 1 year

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Just a disclaimer, I’m going to make some social commentary and in a subject that I’m not particularly experienced in. So please keep that in mind when reading. May contain: misuse of terminology and misrepresentation of demographics. I sincerely apologize ahead of time. Also, this really is just me thinking through stuff as I type, so if I contradict myself, that’s why.

Also important, there’s a very good chance that trigger warnings won’t be appropriately tagged. I also apologize. I wanted to talk about how our society handles the topic of sexual predators and abusers. The word “rapist” will also be thrown around, though I don’t intend to get into specifics. I don’t know the appropriate terminology used for related TWs that Tumblr will properly filter, so please take this as a general warning about the topic.

I’ve been mulling over how our society seems to handle the concept of sexual predators and the discussion around or involving them is just really immature. Sexual predator is used as a boogyman so frequently yet whenever someone actually gets sexually preyed upon there’s a high chance that nothing gets done, especially without a frankly uncalled for amount of effort on the victim’s part. I know for a fact that historically and modernly, the idea of a sexual predator will get thrown at any and all demographics our society takes issue with, whether that be fat people, trans women, black men, lesbians, gay men, immigrants, ugly people, weird people, etc. I think the funniest one I can think of was when Fox News was accusing adults of being pedophiles for enjoying certain children’s entertainment (this was, like, at least 10 years ago, I don’t think it ever caught on). And this happens because our culture has a violent kneejerk reaction to the concept, regardless of inaction. I imagine that attitude also translates to our inaction because we see sexual predators as monsters rather than as people. We do the same thing for fascists, abusers, and other categories of people who inflict trauma. So, when someone turns out to fall under any of these categories, it’s very easy to mentally go “that’s not an abuser, that’s Ryan.” We’ll conceptualize these bad things as a category of person rather than a category that people can fall into. This attitude also translates to people refusing to acknowledge their actions as rape or abuse because that would make them an abuser, something we’ve determined to be a specific type of person. I understand the complexity of this topic comes from the clashing facts that a lot of rapists, abusers, sexual predators, etc. could in most generous terms and cases be described as people who fucked up while executing on cultural expectations, but that doesn’t mitigate the fact that their victims deserve, at absolute minimum, closure and recovery. The idea of sexual predators being monsters is a cathartic premise, but it’s also, at best, unhelpful, and at worst, a compelling source of denial and an effective justification to hate oppressed demographics.

A major factor in all of this is dramatization. I want to say this now that traumatizing someone doesn’t make you a monster because there’s no such thing as a monster. This is important to acknowledge both from the perspective of understanding both those inflicting trauma and those being traumatized. I’m saying this from the perspective of someone who has been traumatized by multiple people who I would never call monsters. They’re friends and family, people I love or want to love. Some of these people are still in my life because they legitimately have changed for the better, there are other instances where I sincerely doubt that they ever will, and there are other instances where they haven’t changed enough but they’re still trying. In each case, I get why they did what they did. In my friend’s case, we were both young teenagers and my friend grew up in a particularly toxic environment, so he had a lot to unlearn. Even when he hurt me with the intent of hurting me, I sincerely believe he never intended to do so in an abnormal way. Rather, to him, at that time, setting out to hurt me was a reasonable action. It’s similar for the other instances in my life too where the person who traumatized me had stuff they failed to unlearn and that’s what caused the issue. That’s part of the reason why victims of abuse can have such a hard time leaving, because abusers aren’t monsters, they are people. And accepting the idea that this person you care about is an abuser is a really fucking hard pill to swallow. As a side note, I still have a hard time accepting what I went through was abuse on any front even if it obviously is, so I instead used the terminology of calling the relationship toxic (because abusive relationships are toxic, even though the phrasing usually refers to when both sides are culprit) and that helped me sever ties and come to terms with it a lot better. And I’m fully aware that there are people who are fully aware of what they’re doing and will still do it. I’m not going to pretend to understand their reasoning or perspective because I haven’t interacted with such individuals. All that I can say is that the majority of the people I have interacted with don’t seem to comprehend the extent of what they’re doing. This isn’t an excuse, merely an observation. Regardless of whether someone understands the full consequences of their actions or not, it doesn’t change the reality that those actions and their consequences happen. And figuring out what to do from there is going to be more individualized and complicated.

It’s a common idea that you shouldn’t try to sympathize with these categorically bad people, but I believe this ideal is, politely put, flawed. The reason people say this is because doing so recklessly threatens the risk of indoctrination. Like, you shouldn’t go up to, say, a terf and ask “hey why do you hate women?” because you’re basically just asking for their doctrine. I wouldn’t recommend doing this to an ex-terf either. But that doesn’t mean that healthier methods don’t exist. Personally, if I wanted to get a better understanding in why terfs hate women, I’d look to ask someone who studies terfs over asking a terf. I think studying why people behave like this requires both a strong understanding of how culture functions and a lot of practice in the ability to both pull and analyze information from individuals. Also, discussing this stuff absolutely requires the fundamental understanding the everyone perceives the world differently and that it’s completely fine and that someone else’s interpretation of actions are just as real as your own and concepts like morals and standards are much more fickle than we give it credit for. A major reason for this is that a lot of the time people don’t hold ideologies because of the ideologies themselves. A rapist, for example, may be desensitized and normalized to the idea of raping people, which isn’t something they’re going to tell you by becoming friends with them. The best comparison to an active social justice movement that comes to mind is one regarding the issue of racism. White Fragility, if I’m not getting words mixed up, is the concept that white people will often deny their own racism out of a refusal to see themselves as racists. This happens because our culture created the idea of a “racist,” which is someone who unapologetically hates black people. Side note, the concept of racism itself in layman’s terms is often depicted to be black people vs white people when that’s such a wrong conceptualization of the subject that it can’t even be called oversimplification. But the reality that movements countering racism have been working to get across is more or less that racism is a cultural issue. You can’t just decide to be not a racist because racism is so culturally ingrained in everything that everyone does that avoiding it requires an active effort on everyone’s part. If I’m not mistaken, a very similar theme can be found in feminist, LGBT, ableist, etc. movements. Adding my own thoughts into those subject matters, I don’t think racists, sexists, homophobes, etc. are real demographics because they’re spectrums. Demographics can exist within spectrums. For example, gender is a massive spectrum, yet we still have plenty of demographics centered around it. The thing is, like gender, racism is also a massive spectrum and we simply don’t have terminology to even begin to describe it. I guess going with the weird racism to gender analogy, I’d say dividing it between “racist” and “not racist” is the same level of inaccurate as considering gender to be a binary between “male” and “female.” Like, a quick example, someone who literally cannot distinguish a latinx person from a black person and has never interacted with either is fundamentally different from someone who thinks harassing black people is funny and that, too, is going to be very different from someone who says slurs regularly but rarely goes out of their way to harass people. And that’s just describing categories of people that most would consider obviously racist. What about people who don’t consider themselves racist but will act more cautiously around certain races regardless, or people who consider themselves allies but tend to gatekeep people from their own community? All this shit applies to the other “ists” where, while demographics exist, the demographic of x-ist is just way too vague for me to take it as a serious categorization of humans, which is why I’d consider them to be imaginary demographics.

So, let’s just establish that I think some demographics are made-up. What does this accomplish? Marketing, basically. By creating an imaginary demographic, it’s possible to ascribe stereotypes to said demographic. But because this demographic isn’t real, there’s literally nothing to dispel these stereotypes. Racist isn’t a real demographic, so you aren’t going to have a group of racists saying something like “we don’t just hate black people” or “we aren’t always violently racist,” it becomes canon with the definition of said demographic. Compare that to a real demographic, like, say, married individuals. You can’t put “has a child” as being part of the conceptualization of a married individual because doing so would be met with resistance by married people who don’t have children. Instead, you would need either a separate term for married people with children and married people without or you would have to externally enforce the idea, such as saying you cannot legally get married unless you have a kid. And the second option would be a hypothetical example of systemic oppression. Also, I want to make clear that I don’t think every instance of an imaginary demographic is as heavy or nearly as damaging as the ists, but they definitely should be distinguished from true demographics. Off the top of my head, I’d say “hardcore gamer” and “casual gamer” are two examples of imaginary demographics. The idea that these imaginary demographics are trying to address is that different people playing video games are going to have different levels of commitment, open-mindedness, tolerance, available time, etc. when they pick up a videogame, but I’ve just described four different spectrums. I think by now, people know these two demographics aren’t real, but the idea of a hardcore and casual gamer does result in some bipolar game design decisions, such as how Pokemon games have been increasingly stripped away of their content while competitive Pokemon has been receiving an unprecedented amount of feature creep (at least, by the series standards), which I personally think does more harm than good on both extremes of that spectrum. I don’t want to say imaginary demographics are a problem when it’s a term I literally just made up while writing this tumblr post and I haven’t had time to mull over it, but they do seem quite destructive on average because they create a lot of stereotypes that cannot be disputed and their boundaries/definition so largely open to interpretation that you could fit multiple potential demographics within the extents of said boundary.

Note: while editting, it occurred to me that nonbinary gender would somewhat fit my definition of an imaginary demographic and it would be a positive example of the concept. I’d hardly consider the term destructive, though I wouldn’t be too surprised if it became outdated in the distant future. Unless I’m completely mistaken about the semantics and history of the term, nonbinary is meant as a catch-all term for genders that are neither male nor female. Here’s the thing, a lot of those gender identities only might fall under what I just described the definition of nonbinary to be. There’s enough room for interpretation that different individuals who’s gender identity is neither male nor female may or may not consider themselves nonbinary. For me, I am agender and I consider that to be within the realms of “nonbinary,” I’m certain that there are plenty of agender people who do not consider agender and nonbinary to be compatible as agender means “no gender” while “gender is not binary” implies the existence of a gender. Meanwhile, do genders like demi boy, demi girl, bigender, and genderfluid count? I strongly suspect that the answer to each of those questions individually will have variance in their answers. Furthermore, there are plenty of people who identify their gender as nonbinary with no other qualifiers. I believe there’s also the identity of genderqueer, which, if I remember correctly, is a gender identity basically saying, “my gender is that I don’t want to identify with any specific gender.” For me, I identify as agender and nonbinary but not genderqueer. I’m certain that you could find someone with any possible combination of carrying for each of those three identities. The term nonbinary is very useful because it’s empowering. The word sort of just means both something and nothing at the same time. That sounds complicated, but think of it like referring to the person you’re romantically engaged in as your “partner,” it’s a short-hand way to both say that you have an identity while still obscuring it. In the “partner” example, you’re most likely expressing some level of alliance with the LGBT community because the idea of addressing your romantic relation as “partner” has history and affiliation with it. That’s why the word both means something and nothing at the same time. And with nonbinary, the demographic doesn’t really say much of anything about the person’s gender but it also does. Thinking further on it, the LGBT community has a lot of imaginary demographics within it. First of all, the menarche of LGBT has its own history of what was and wasn’t considered a part of it, to the point where it would be repeatedly changed to include variants like LGBTQ, LGBTQIA, LGBTQ+, LGBTQIA+, and LGBT+. Alongside that, the individual identities within it aren’t inherently correlated. The modern association with the term is to refer to people who are either not heterosexual or not cisgender. Even that definition is very questionable and open to interpretation. For example, someone who identifies as a cisgender male may be sexually oriented towards femininity, which isn’t the same thing as being attracted to women. Thus, this theoretical person only might identify as LGBT depending on their interpretation of the boundaries of the demographic. What about someone who identifies as both cisgender and nonbinary? Consider these edge cases, all demographics have them because that’s just how categorization works. But the LGBT community has had time to expand what demographics are and are not considered. Maybe a possible way to group it as an imaginary demographic vs a true demographic is that an imaginary demographic is a reaction to something while a true demographic is something that’s more cemented. Like, if you wanted to get population information, a true demographic would be dividing people between the country they were born in while an imaginary demographic would be something like what country everyone considers to be their home.

Actually no, this would need to be a third category rather than being clumped with what I described the ists and casual vs core gamers to be. While both categories have very open to interpretation borders, I suppose the difference between those two categories of demographic is that it doesn’t feel like the ists and casual vs core gamer categorizations were created by the people who intended to identify with them while the LGBT categories I was describing absolutely were. That said, I don’t think that’s a sole distinguisher, it probably looks something like this.

I may have formatted this as a set of boxes but it’s definitely a spectrum. Jumping to the gender example, I think the binary genders lean closer to being abstract labels due to our cultural idea of being able to look at someone to assume gender while the not binary genders would lean more towards abstract identity due to them requiring individuals to do some amount of soul searching before they can enter that demographic (as in, our culture defaults every individual as binary cisgender, so identifying as anything else requires extra steps on the individuals’ part). Anyways, here are some examples of demographics in each category that I personally fall into.

Btw, I was making shit up with the abstract labels because the whole thing with abstract labels is that they’re describing hypothetical people.

So, returning to the original subject of how our society treats concepts like sexual predators and connecting it to the rant about demographics. “Predator” would be an abstract label, but it does have sub-categories that lean more towards being defined labels. In particular “rapist” is a good example of a defined label because it means “someone who rapes/d.” When I was talking about imaginary labels when talking about the ists, I was struggling to properly conceptualize what I’m calling an abstract label now. Just remember that abstract labels are allowed to be whatever you want them to be because as a label, the boundaries and definitions of the demographic are not in the hands of the demographic in question, while as an abstract, said boundaries and definitions are extremely subjective and malleable. Therefore their definitions can be frequently altered and manipulated to achieve desired results and no interpretation of the demographic is any more valid than the other.

I think a lot of the demographics that have maintained their strong negative connotations over the many social movements are either abstract labels or are sub-demographics of abstract labels. I think just interfacing with abstract labels has to function differently than everything else because when identities get negative connotations, there will be people holding those identities to defend it because it’s part of their identity, while when defined demographics get slandered, you’ll have people who have to unavoidably deal with said slander.

I strongly believe that understanding oppressors is important for anyone who intends to interact with them under any capacity. The intends part of that sentence is important; I don’t believe their victims are obligated to value their perspective on any level. The other clarification to that sentence, when I say “interact,” I mean on any level, whether that’s in the form of activism or you willingly associating with the individual. Depending on the category of oppression, how insidious it is or isn’t will vary, so I’d argue that some level of general knowledge and understanding on this stuff is important for everyone, if only to enable maturity around the subject. Like, it’s important to learn how to handle the situation if you learn that, say, your best friend raped someone or that your coworker is a neonazi. Both in the event that you’re part of a demographic that’s victim to those demographics and for when you aren’t.

#long ass post

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eclipsednodes · 4 years

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SHADOW WORK SIMPLIFIED

What is shadow work?

If I had to describe shadow work in one word, it would be introspection. Introspection is the examination of your own mental state and is necessary in order to learn more about your fundamental nature. Although it may sound off-putting and even scary at first, shadow work is a necessary component in the process of healing. We all have aspects of ourselves that we’ve rejected and hidden away out of fear. Through shadow work, we’re able to reflect on our thoughts, emotions, and habits so that we can find the root cause of our suffering and heal ourselves. By reincorporating those aspects of ourselves that we’ve denied, we feel more fulfilled and can begin to love ourselves fully.

Where does shadow work come from?

The concept of the shadow self comes from Carl Jung who believed that our shadow self is the subconscious aspect, or “dark side”, of our personality that our conscious ego doesn’t identify with. However, I would like to clarify that “dark” does not imply or equate with bad. That which resides outside of our consciousness can be either good or bad, but aren’t inherently reflective of our value or “goodness” as a person.

Although these repressed aspects of ourselves can manifest negatively, it isn’t because those parts of us are “bad”, but that the process of repression is inherently painful and toxic. This is reflected by Jung when he states, "Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual's conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.” He believed that until we’ve merged our conscious and subconscious selves, that our conscious would be “the slave of the autonomous shadow”. This is due to the shadow self overwhelming our conscious selves by falling victim to our own self-imposed traps.

Through assimilating this shadow self, not over-identifying with it, Jung believed we go through the process of enantiodromia, thereby integrating the subconscious by reincorporating our shadow selves into our personality and allowing us to solidify ourselves through wholeness. He best described this by stating "assimilation of the shadow gives a man body, so to speak.” However, don’t fall into the misconception that shadow work is a short-term practice. Shadow work is a continuous practice and integration of the shadow self is a will take place throughout your life.

How do I do shadow work?

In the last question, I identified that practicing self-reflection is a key component of shadow work, but what does that mean? What am I supposed to be reflecting on? Well, the first thing that you should focus on is being present throughout the day. Identify feelings that come up throughout the day and observe them objectively. What situation or interaction triggered these emotions? How did I react to those emotions? Were my emotions controlling me or was I in control of my emotions? Why did this situation or interaction cause me to feel this way? How did I cope with those feelings (self-harming, lashing out at others, communicating my feelings, journalling, etc.)? Did I punish myself for getting upset? If so, why?

There are numerous ways to reflect on your feelings and experiences in order to get a better understanding of yourself. Through evaluating how you react to situations, which situations upset you, and how you managed those feelings, you’re able to build the foundation to understanding your emotions and bridge the gap between your subconscious and conscious mind.

Once you’ve done this, you’ll find that the emotions you feel in the present are reflective of unhealed emotions from your past. Perhaps the reason you feel that you’re unable to set boundaries as an adult is because as a child, your parents never respected your boundaries by going through your phone or diary, yelling at you when you said no to a request, forcing you into situations that made you feel you had no choice.

By identifying the root cause of your emotional pain, you’re able to address it in the present and heal from the trauma. The simplest way that I’ve found to address them is through journalling. You can purchase a physical journal or even use your notes app, either way, you’re writing out your feelings and reflections to gain deeper insight. It’s important to remember that this looks different for anyone and that the best way to approach shadow work is by doing what feels most natural! You can choose to stick to self-reflective journal prompts, vent about whatever is upsetting you, write letters to whoever has hurt you, etc. Ultimately, you can guide yourself based off of what you feel you need and where you are in your journey.

What parts of yourself do you find yourself rejecting the most? Many of us have experienced the pain of rejection in some aspects of our lives and sometimes, it’s incredibly painful and leaves us with long-lasting wounds. We end up going through our lives carrying baggage that we don’t even know we have! Many times, I’ve found myself wondering why I felt so repulsed by aspects of myself and why I felt so strongly that they needed to be locked away forever. I couldn’t allow myself or others to see my truest self, my whole self, out of fear. I was scared of being rejected, shamed, humiliated by the people around me. I was scared of hurting other people by being myself and of being hurt by others. That’s no way to live, is it? When we tell ourselves that aspects of ourselves aren’t good enough, we end up going through life devaluing ourself. We’ve broken our own trust by rejecting ourselves, we’ve told ourselves that we aren’t good enough or worthy of love. In shadow work, you’re called to go inward and unpack everything that we’ve kept hidden for years and sometimes even decades.

Bring the parts of yourself that you’ve repressed to the surface and nourish them with love, allow yourself to see that ALL OF YOU is deserving of love and support. For you, that could mean unlearning your unhealthy beliefs about food or eating, allowing yourself to be emotional around the people you love (despite how much you were told that you were too emotional, a crybaby, too sensitive in the past), allowing yourself to relax without feeling guilty about not being productive because you recognize your needs (even though you feel your sense of worth is tied to being productive at the cost of your own health).

Common misconceptions about shadow work?

Shadow work is evil or bad, the shadow is evil or bad

The purpose of shadow work is healing through working with your subconscious to release repressed aspects of yourself and heal from painful, traumatic experiences. Your shadow side is simply your unconscious and to believe that it’s bad is to believe that you are bad. It’s merely the part of yourself that you aren’t aware of consciously and shouldn’t be feared.

Certain emotions are “bad”

When you let go of the idea that emotions are either good or bad, you’ll allow yourself to just be and stop putting so much pressure on yourself to feel “good” all of the time. Happiness isn’t a constant state of being so stop expecting to be all of the time, we have a range of emotions for a reason so stop being ashamed of them. Your feelings are natural and if you feel like they’re out of control and something to be ashamed of, there is nothing wrong with that! It’s okay to feel like your emotions are controlling you because that isn’t permanent. Your feelings aren’t permanent and are completely manageable with proper guidance! The reason you feel like your emotions are controlling you is because you probably don’t have the knowledge to cope with them in an effective and healthy way. It’s helpful to sit with your emotions alone and look at them objectively without placing any judgement on them, this will help you calm down and assess your feelings. From there, you can identify what you need to relax and recover as well as acknowledge to yourself that your feelings are natural. When you stop categorizing your emotions as bad, they’re no longer shameful to experience and therefore you can see with better clarity how to cope with them and move on.

I’ve already released it so…

Why am I still upset?

Why does it still keep popping up in my head?

Why haven’t I moved on?

Why am I not making progress?

With the rise of self development and spirituality, I find that more and more people are rushing to complete their healing. Healing is a continuous, life-long cycle and not a destination. Putting the pressure on yourself to reach the place of ultimate healing is not only toxic, but it impedes your ability to actually heal anything. Healing is about love, compassion, and patience and it’s not going to happen according to a timeline. Allow yourself the time to experience your emotions, see them objectively, forgive yourself and others and move on without the pressure of expectations.

Another reason that you could be experiencing this is that despite the work you think you’ve done, it hasn’t been sufficient. I’ve found that a lot of journal prompts provided online are surface level at best and can be more pacifying than revealing. If you’re not feeling anything while doing your inner work, you’re not doing it correctly. Ultimately, this is about uncovering what makes us UNCOMFORTABLE and moving through those feelings. When you allow yourself to experience the sadness, hurt, anger, and/or frustration than you’re telling yourself that these feelings are okay and don’t need to be suppressed. The reality is that no matter what you’re feeling, you are allowed to experience those emotions and it’s only human! Unfortunately, many people associate lower vibrational emotions as bad, but this is a huge misconception! Telling yourself that anger, sadness, etc. are “bad” implies that you shouldn’t experience these emotions and that you have to get rid of them which is not only wrong, but unhealthy. There is no right or wrong emotions so don’t buy into the belief that you should feel a certain way, simply allow yourself to be and you’ll find that it’s much easier to navigate your emotions and needs. The only way to make it to the other side is by wading through the water, be patient and know that you’re feeling exactly what you should be. When you stop censoring yourself, you’ll discover a newfound sense of freedom and wholeness.

If you find yourself circling back to certain topics, for example, your ex-boyfriend than perhaps there are triggers in your environment that remind you of the situation, you have more that needs to be addressed that you may not have been ready for or aware of previously (hence why shadow work is a practice that is ongoing), or they’re representative of a deeper issue that you’re repressing. Whatever the cause is, the same methods as earlier will apply and can be discerned through your own intuition.

What are some basic journal prompts that I can do?

What feelings come up when you think of ____?

How did that experience make you feel emotionally? How did it make you feel about yourself? How did it make you feel about the other person or people?

Write a letter to yourself, your inner child, the people who’ve hurt you, and the people you’ve hurt. Express how you feel honestly, without holding back and then forgive yourself and the other person.

If you could say anything to yourself or another person for closure, what would it be?

How have these situations and experiences impacted your mental health? How have they affected your belief system about yourself, other people, and the world?

What about yourself are you ashamed of? What about yourself are you embarrassed of? What about yourself makes you angry? What do you regret? Why do you feel this way about yourself and where do these feelings stem from?

What makes you feel most alone? What makes you feel most loved? How can you incorporate that knowledge into your life to make it better?

What’s the most hurtful thing someone has said or done to you? Why did it hurt you so much? How does it still affect you now? How can you heal from it and allow yourself to move on?

What do you need to forgive yourself for? What do you need to forgive others for?

Where do you feel you lack security in your life? Why? How does this impact your life and your relationships?

This is a list of generic prompts for you to start with, but feel free to message me if you need help with more specific topics or I can make another post altogether for journal prompts.

#shadow work #spirituality #witchblr #carl jung #witchcraft #energy work #healing #shadow self

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babysizedfics · 4 years

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I know the dark sides kinda accidentally bullied Virgil for regressing but did they know/realise that he has autism? Did they know how to help his sensory issues or did he just have to try and cope himself?

EDIT 31 oct 2020: this info is slightly outdated now as i have decided vee does not get diagnosed until he is 14

This is a little bit heavy so scroll past if u want fluffy happy stuff!! mention of internalised ableism

Janus was basically his father so yeah he definitely knew Vee was autistic and accommodated him to the best of his ability at the time - but he wasn't the most educated on the smaller aspects of autistic life, he knew the big things like meltdowns (which he was adequate at getting virgil through) and stimming (he actively encouraged it but did tease virgil about being embarrassed about it which only made v more embarrassed) and vee not liking certain textures or bright lights (not necessarily an issue in their house) but he wasn't that aware of the things that go unnoticed like small sensitivities to food and poor emotional regulation and other things i can't think of atm.

He was guilty of thinking Vee was simply picky and fussy as a child and didn't really click that it was just another part of being autistic and should have been taken more seriously. Also Janus thought it was standard for Virgil to have a proper meltdown every week, but once vee moves to the light sides its more like once every 4 weeks because its a much more accommodating environment

Also he is canonically pretty selfish, I'm not sure he would have actually sat down to research accounts of autism from autistic peoples persoectives, he probably researched just the standard medical info and considered that enough

(quickly mentioning here that janus is not bitter that virgil left. he was at first but when he saw how much better virgil was doing in the other house he was satisfied that virgil was where he belonged, even if it was still upsetting to him that it wasn't with him. it's not until he wants in on the regression family dynamic that he recognises he COULD have helped virgil feel better in the dark sides house, and begins to educate himself on virgils specific needs so that he wont make the same mistakes again as nana janus)

back when vee was a child Janus explained to remus what autism is and Remus was pretty indifferent tbh he didn't really listen and janus didn't explain vee's specific needs in detail. remus was not very considerate or observant, so tended to accidentally trigger virgil's sensory overload by being loud and stuff. occasionally he felt a little bad about it but would just roll his eyes - but he wouldn't do any loud pranks for at least a few hours after. he never made things harder for vee on purpose out of cruelty, he just wasn't necessarily willing to adapt his behaviour for the sake of virgil if it meant he wouldn't personally have as much fun.

as much as janus knew how to get virgil through a meltdown, virgil had to deal with all the smaller details on his own. he had to pick certain foods off his plate and wear ear plugs when the others refused to turn down the volume on their horror movies and he struggled a lot with internalised ableism because no one helped him with these things so he thought it would be burdensome for him to ask for help but he also realised he wasnt coping well on his own and really wanted help, he just wouldnt let himself ask for it

in conclusion, they were aware of his autism and didnt make fun of it in any way because thats mean. Still, they weren't very educated on it or considerate at the time and didn't adapt the environement much to make it easier for virgil to cope, which is one of the things that led up to virgil moving out

I want to point out again that these are realistic experiences that explore a family who did not have the tools to effectively make things easier for Vee at the time, it is not abuse and it is not "unsympathetic", though it was undereducated and inconsiderate - A lot of the reason things were so bad in the house was because the dark sides just dont communicate effectively.

janus and remus are awkward with feelings, their idea of a heart to heart is grumbling a slight reassurance veiled in 8 layers of sarcasm then immediately calling each other names to brighten the atmosphere. theyre the friends who say they thoroughly hate you when you make them laugh and they threaten to decapitate each other as a form flattery. and they dont need to change that about thrmselves, some people are just like that, to janus and remus thats their favourite way of communicating and showing affection and it makes them happy. its just a bad match with virgil who is very sensitive to even the slightest insinuation that someone doesnt like him. janus and remus arent bad people they just are not the right people for virgil to live with

I am basing this specific storyline/concept on my experiences with my family and their gradual acceptance and understanding of me being autistic. Yes it would be nice if every family instantly knew exactly how to make things easier for someone who is autistic but it's just not always that idealistic. It's not black and white, it's not either 100% supportive or 100% abusive. it's not always a linear line, sometimes families make mistakes and accidentally make things worse at some point, but what matters is they recognise and acknowledge them, apologise sincerely, educate themselves and unlearn misconceptions, and work to be better in the future!

#i am begging u not to come for janus because hes based on my mum WHO IS NOW CERY UNDERSTANDING AND HELPFUL about my autism #so pls have open minds #im not even sure i want to address this in the series at least not directly because its pretty heavy #can u tel im nervous and defensive about this one #ableism mention #nana janus #chaotic cousin remus #little/big insights #little angst #asks #indent anon

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sasskarian · 4 years

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I know you're not exactly a DA blog anymore... But... I just finished DA2 for the very first time and, and. I got myself Inquisition with all DLCs. I need to know what happens. I want the poor baby Cullen to be happy :(

Nonnie, I am still at my heart very much a DA blog (and Mass Effect; I just tend to smear new obsessions everywhere. Like finger painting). I curate my experience as much as I can due to the fandom being shit, but my love for DA is strong and steady.

The best thing I can say is, play through the game and DLCs. (Tho suggested order is Jaws > Descent > Trespasser) I promise you, Cullen has the option of being happy. I wouldn’t write about it if I didn’t see those paths, and at least some of them are canon.

I know what you mean, tho. Cullen is, to some of my friends’ dismay, near and dear to my heart. He’s my canon quiz’s romance, for many reasons. The truth is, I struggle with the fandoms’ interpretations of him and was just talking about this with my DA/FO/ME bestie @asaara-writes the other day. I think a lot of Cullen’s trauma is easily missed or overlooked in favor of louder plots (like Fenris’s, who doesn’t get hated on nearly so much for his hatred and distrust of mages, or Anders who hates Templars and is lauded for it. If I see another ANDERS WAS RIGHT banner, I’m gonna overclock somebody’s capacitors)

(Pardon me, I’ll throw this under a cut because wall of text, but I have some got-damn Opinions on Cullen and how the fandom treats him)

But for me, I’m neither in the “Cullen is poor bab who never did anything wrong uwu” or the “Cullen is a horrible bastard and should be set afire” camp. I walk a more moderate line, and here’s why:

I have a Cullen.

My fiance, he’s... so much like Cullen that it breaks my heart. Military vet, disillusioned with his desire to do good in the world and the realities of corruption and power abuse. Substance abuse issues, and recovery from addiction. Said some bad things/had bad opinions when he was younger due to abuse by certain groups of people, and has since reformed and is trying to continue changing. Abuse survivor. Blood on his hands from his career. Trying his best to find his way in a world that he doesn’t understand. So I see the similarities, and I live with the reality of what that kind of history and life is like.

Cullen was a fresh-faced 18 year old in the Kinloch Circle (however old his in-game image looks, he was canon 18-20). Which, by canon, was one of the less problematic, more lenient Circles (though you have to have Mage origin to find that stuff out). I don’t think he’d been a Templar long at that point. And he joined the Templars out of a desire to do good in the world. His examples of Templar behavior were those stationed in a small village, who had more leniency and less lawkeeping duties. Honnleath was tiny, and quiet. I’m going on assumption here, on my own history of small towns vs larger cities, that there wasn’t much evidence of power hunger and abuse an eight year old would notice.

Note that he remains kind and even remorseful at some of his duties (for instance, having to attend Harrowings) even under a hateful man like Greagoir.

When Uldred takes over the Circle and kills everyone, Cullen is the last left. He watches possessed mages and demons run wild in his home, killing and torturing his friends. If you’re a mage origin, he talks about how the demons used his feelings and affection for you, inappropriate though they were, to torment him. It’s implied through dialogue that at least some of those demons sexually abused him.

Yes, in his panic and fresh trauma, he begs the Warden to kill any mages found left in the Circle. I wonder why. Tumblr at large acts like the only way for PTSD and trauma to be exhibited is through cowering and nightmares, but it’s well known among people who have PTSD (including myself) that outrage, hair trigger tempers, and anger issues are as common as crying jags and insomnia.

After the resolution of Broken Circle, Cullen is reassigned to Kirkwall. Arguably, this is the worst possible Circle he could have been sent to in the entirety of the goddamn world. Not only is Kirkwall famous for increased blood mage activity (both due to history and also due to Templar behavior), which is one of his trauma-groups, but Meredith hates mages, and rules over them with an iron fist. She is fucking crazy, and whether her past makes her a sympathetic villain or not (ymmv), she downright encouraged the abuse of mages and as she loses her mind, we see her start accusing everyone of blood magic.

Canon states that there are Templars in Kirkwall who sexually abuse mages, who torture them, and who kill them at will, and these are never dealt with. Meredith has no desire to change the way the Gallows is run, and it’s said or implied that before her reign as the overseer, the Gallows-- while still not great-- was not this bad.

So, freshly traumatized and young Templar is sent to the worst possible place in Thedas, under the command of a crazed mage hater, surrounded by the very thing that will trigger him nigh constantly. I see a lot of the fandom say “well why didn’t he quit/leave?” And I wonder if those fans understand what indoctrination can do. Specifically, military indoctrination. You’re told that the ranks are your home, your family, the only ones who can or will ever understand you. You’re told this for so long that it becomes a life raft. It becomes your world truth. That’s the nature of emotional abuse that fosters codependency: it literally reshapes your world.

Added to that, Templars are controlled by the Chantry through lyrium, an addictive drug that quitting is difficult and surviving the withdrawal of is often fatal. (that’s another rant entirely that can be summed up as tl;dr fuck the fucking Chantry)

The Templars were the only thing he knew. After that kind of soul-shaking trauma, do you leave behind everything you ever knew? (Remember, he was 13 when he joined into this kind of brainwashing.) No. You cleave to what you can, to what keeps you getting through the day.

Cullen spent a further ten years in Kirkwall, watching the city fall apart under Qunari, blood magic, and Meredith’s increasing insanity. There was no reprieve for his PTSD: everywhere he turned, there was Something. And yet, we hear in Inquisition (depending on player choices, ofc) Samson say that Cullen tried to continue to be kind. He didn’t abuse mages, he tried to protect them where and how he could.

[Samson: He arrived after the trouble at the ferelden circle. Cullen jumped at his shadow in those days, always on the watch for abominations and demons. Did right by the mages, though, never played rough with them. Not like Meredith.]

Was it limited? Yes. Was it hampered by circumstance? Yes. Should he have tried harder? Yes.

But he still tried.

Does he say regrettable things? Yes. Does he regret those things later? Yes.

I had a friend, who I am no longer friends with for various reasons, tell me that “If Cullen was a good person, he wouldn’t need a redemption arc.” And... no, No, that’s not how redemption arcs work. Everyone does problematic things. Everyone who grows up brainwashed has to unlearn shit, and atone for shit.

Cullen still struggles with mages. He still has a deep fear of them. Partly this is the Templar in him talking, partly this is trauma. And, here’s where we break from canon and go deep into psychology land: I think partly because he’s projecting. Cullen cannot imagine forgiveness for what he’s done. I wonder if part of him fears mages because he expects-- perhaps even some part of him desires-- retribution from them for his actions and past.

And there’s things that have been retconned or that were misleading in previous games. For example, the rumor that Cullen escaped after Broken Circle and went on a mage murdering spree. That was nothing but a rumor, but the fandom levies it against him as if it happened.

But if Cullen “hated” mages, you wouldn’t be able to romance him as a mage. And honestly, that mage romance in DAI? Is one of the sweetest, most tender things I’ve seen in DA. As a mage, you can choose to help him past his fears, help him with his lyrium addiction. Help him grow as a person, and watch as he becomes a better person. As he learns that mages are more than their magic, and that Templars are so often wrong and awful in their treatment of them.

I find Cullen to be well written. And believable as hell. The portrayal of him-- from the mood swings, to the trauma, to the shaky but steadying growth-- feels real, and I can back that up with my fiance’s own similar path.

So. To wrap up because hoooooo, Opinions, play through the game. There’s a lot of gems there. <3

#cullen rutherford #fandom critical #dragon age #anti-cullen #cullen critical #i have a lot of Opinions on this #also no i'm not taking opinions on this #my real life experience applied to fandom is more important to me than being yelled at for liking a character i find relatable af #Anonymous #food for thought #food for thot

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unapologeticallybella · 5 years

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I Don’t Look Like J-Lo but Someone is Gonna Love Me Anyway

TW: Body Dysmorphia/ E.D

I’m going to go ahead and say, I am so happy I am not a notably attractive person. I’m not saying I’m ugly in the slightest but you know what I’m talking about. Those people where their attractiveness is one of their defining traits. Like you mention their name and almost always someone responds with, “Oh, the pretty one.” Yeah that’s not my story and that probably won’t ever be me. What I’ve noticed about those kinds of people is that almost always their personality suffers in some way shape or form. I’m not saying notably pretty people can’t have a good personality but basically yes, it’s rare. So when you don’t get to lean into your beauty, you tend to lean on other things like humor, kindness, intelligence; Oh, did I mention humor? One of my earliest memories is being around six years old, waking up in the middle of the night in a god damn panic. I ran to my mom hysterically crying. I said, “I don’t wanna be ugly.” I couldn’t really tell you what she said because I genuinely don’t remember. Obviously it didn’t make me feel better because here we are sixteen years later and I still wake up with that panic from time to time, only now I just don’t wake anyone up to hear me cry about it (that sounds a lot darker than I intended for it to.) Anyway, what I’m saying here is that I’ve always struggled with the way I look.

We all have that voice in our head that tells us we look like shit, that we shouldn’t post certain pictures, and that everyone else sees what we see; I swear sometimes I’d just rather stay home. I know everyone looks back at their old pictures and thinks “Wow, why was I so insecure, I looked fucking amazing.” It’s a pretty common thing, I know. For some of us that voice inside our head is a bit louder and a lot more persistent, mine was very cruel and eventually it just kind of took me over. I’ve never really talked about what I dealt with because I did it so privately; partly out of guilt because I knew I was harming myself and secondly because it was something for me to control and I didn’t want to lose that. I think I was eleven when someone else commented on my weight for the first time, I was 115 pounds. That’s when it started. I would go through these spells of not eating, restrictive diets, the obsessive calorie counting; no one noticed. This continued on and off for years, I love food so fucking much that it eventually turned into bingeing and then starving myself for the day, then bingeing again. Eventually I gained weight because my hunger would just build up, my cravings would just get stronger and I would lose every time; I’d binge. I would eat so fucking much. I could eat entire pizzas within 15 minutes, boxes of Oreos, bowls of cereal, tubs of ice cream, blocks of cheese; it’s absurd how fast I could eat it all. I was obsessed with diets, skinny detox teas, meal replacements were my favorite, and I loved watching my fitness pal tell me how much I could lose if I maintained the low calorie intake. My junior year, I tried making myself throw up for the first time. It was such an easy way to get rid of the guilt I felt for eating that much food, it helped me maintain the weight for a while. I really wasn’t under the impression that it was a problem because I wouldn’t do it often, only when I lost control and ate enough for me to feel fucking disgusting.

You could say it might be emotional eating but what I’ve come to learn is that sadness absorbs my ability to feel hunger; it’s kinda great if you have a fucking problem like mine. My first breakup, I couldn’t eat solid foods for a few weeks; I genuinely only ate a cup of yogurt a day and Cheez-its when I felt like passing out. I lost weight immediately. It made me feel so powerful; I loved the feeling of hearing that I looked good. What’s crazy is that the power only lasts so long before that voice inside tells you still look like a troll. I look back at these pictures where I clearly look small and tiny but in that moment I promise you; I didn’t see that in the slightest, I couldn’t. My senior year, I got better for a while. I was the biggest I had ever been, and I felt like everyone could notice; I thought my curves looked weird and the way my body just held fat in the worst places made me want to die sometimes. I did crash diets on and off that year; I was extremely self conscious and hated the way I looked. I moved to New York, and I had started taking Ritalin (prescribed okay kids.) Three weeks in, I forgot to eat for a little over two days. I genuinely did not feel hunger in my body. I was outside a hotel during fashion week, waiting for Kylie Jenner to show up when I had a full blown paranoid delusion. I called my mom thinking a bomb was going off. “Mom, I’m looking right at this cop and he looks fucking worried, Mom. Get me on a plane I need to come home right now. Something is happening, there are loud noises.” Then she tried to calm me down, she asked when the last time I ate was and when I tried to think back I was like, “Oh shit that bagel I had was literally two full days ago.” Yeah, so I stopped taking Ritalin, I think that would have been a dangerous combo for me.

I struggle to call it an eating disorder because I never looked sick; it didn’t ruin my life; it didn’t hurt me (I don’t think) but I definitely wasn’t healthy. I think that was my turning point; I was tired of feeling weak all the time; I was tired of obsessing; I was so burnt out from all of it and I decided I wanted to stop it all completely. I eventually gained over sixty pounds over two years, it’s been a fucking nightmare let me tell you. Every day, I struggle with my body and what goes on inside my head. I tell myself awful things; I know that it’s not good, but it doesn’t really go away. I fight so hard to not fall down that path because I don’t want that for me; I don’t know how bad I could get and that scares me. I went out of my way for the past two years to prove to myself that I didn’t have a problem anymore by constantly treating myself with food. It’s like every time I ate a shit ton and I didn’t throw up was a success but then at the same time it wasn’t. Turns out that guilt manifests in different ways and it’ll find its way to you. I’ve gotten to the point where I know the weight gain is noticeable, I feel like people think the awful things I do; So I did the only thing I knew how, laugh it off. Humor baby! Self deprecation is my middle name, sweetie.

I know I joke a lot about the way I look and the weight I’ve gained, it’s all light-hearted, but it actually gets pretty dark in this neck of the woods. Body dysmorphia is a mean bitch; She didn’t even allow me to enjoy my skinny days, talk about a shitty time. I used to do this thing where I would wash my hands on the right side of the sink just to avoid being in front of a mirror; “I just don’t wanna ruin my day, ” I’d always say. Anyone who knows me knows I’ve always used the same 2 inch mirror when doing my makeup because “looking at my whole face all at once is overwhelming.” You did not want to be around me when I couldn’t find that mirror, now that was a full-blown panic attack. I’m trying to be kinder to myself, now that doesn’t mean I won’t still make self-deprecating jokes but I’m trying to unlearn that shit. I go through body positive phases where I force myself to look at myself and find things I like. I unfollow Instagram models sometimes but it doesn’t matter; pretty people are everywhere baby. Every day is a god damn battle with myself; I can look at in the mirror and say “Hey you look good today” out loud but that bitch inside my head is screaming “You look like Shrek dumbass.” Having a past where men weren’t all that nice to me; I have an inherent feeling that if I was prettier, a lot of the things that happened to me maybe wouldn’t have (Come to find out even the hottest people get cheated on too, sick world we live in.) You know I’ve spent so many years comparing myself to other women because of something some asshole did to make me feel insecure; I always fall short so I’m done doing that now. Sometimes I worry that even if I lose the weight or if I cosmetically change the things I don’t like, that voice still won’t go away. Then what? What if I’m never happy with myself regardless of the ways I can change my appearance, I mean there’s a pretty good chance that could happen. So I’ve decided that I need to find a way to fall in love with myself the way I am right now.

People always preach “love yourself” and all that shit, but it’s so hard when it’s just you alone with your thoughts. Feeling love for yourself is arguably one of the most difficult things you’ll ever learn to do, it takes a kind of strength I’m trying to find. I will say, I do think the way I feel about myself has projected itself onto my relationships and in-turn sabotaged them. I have always required a certain amount of reassurance and affection from my partners which I’m sure can be draining but I forgive myself for that now. I have so much love for others that it just pours out of me uncontrollably and somehow I can’t find a way to feel that love for myself; it’s quite the problem to hauve. I’m learning to protect myself from that voice inside of me; I avoid things that I know will trigger me and cause me to spiral. I’ve been trying to lose the weight I gained these past two years, but for the first time I’m addressing the inner work. I acknowledge my weaknesses, I know my vices, I know myself better than ever now and that makes all the difference. Last December I forced myself to pick a form of exercise and like it, so I picked cycling. The first time I took a class, I actually catapulted out of the bike. I felt like the biggest idiot, but I tricked myself into enjoying the class. I just told myself that I would feel like one of those people who thinks spin is equivalent to a morning cup of coffee and eventually that’s how I genuinely felt. Now it’s been almost a year since I made that choice and I’m so happy I forced myself out of bed. After the breakup, my mom really wanted me to start yoga to “soothe my anxiety” and it did surprisingly. It’s amazing what you can do for your body by just taking time to just sit there in silence and think about nothing. Sometimes when it’s that quiet, feelings come up and before you know it you’re on the beach on a yoga mat crying in the arms of your yoga instructor. These past six months, I have healed things inside of myself that I genuinely didn’t know where there. It’s been a mixture of therapy, cycling, yoga, listening to my body, forgiving myself, forgiving others and learning to love the parts of me that I don’t (oh and just not eating Chick-fil-a so fucking much.) This picture is me in my favorite pair of jeans, I bought them almost exactly a year ago and when I bought them they were snug and now this is what I’m working with. Is it sad that my favorite pair of jeans don’t fit me anymore? Hell yeah but I can finally say I can feel and see a difference in my body now.

So no, I probably won’t ever look like J-Lo and that’s okay. I’m probably always going to struggle with these issues and I will probably have that voice inside of me forever. But someone is gonna look at me and feel so fucking lucky; and it won’t just be because of the way I look. It’s going to be because of the way I make them laugh and the way love just pours out of me uncontrollably. Most importantly, when that love pours, it will be for me too.

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superemeralds · 6 years

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fanon shadow beef

[ I’m going to ramble about headcanon shit and stuff that I see done out of character in fanon in no particular order. This might be very chaotic so bare w me. ]

Everyone else:

Shadow uses guns on a regular basis.

He is not repulsed by guns.

Shooting is one of his hobbies.

He probably owns at least one gun and keeps it at home.

Me:

Shadow is very uneasy around firearms and avoids using them at all costs.

The sound of gunshots (and similar loud sounds) makes him flinch.

(On new years he retreats into his cabin in the woods so e doesn’t have to hear the fireworks.)

There’s very obvious reasons for that yall.

He avoids demands to "do his job cleaner" by using guns.

Shadow is for gun control and strongly advocates for making it illegal for private households to own and store guns.

He Hates Guns.

He. Hates. Guns.

The reason he joined GUN despite it being a very triggering environment is because he has the mindset that he has to endure exactly this to overcome it.

+ he has to make sure that GUN doesn't go down that path again. You all know what I mean (and we all know that they will)

After all this time, the commander from ShTH and Shadow made up, after covering up all misunderstandings and acknowledging they were both young and heavily manipulated back then. For the short while that this commander is still in charge Shadow has great faith that GUN will take a good turn, which is what moved him to join (they probably discussed it at the dinner that the commander (canonically!) invited him to with his family.

Additionally, he wants access to their data bank to learn as much as he can about the planet and secrets that governments might have.

He never obeys his orders without question and often breaks rules and opposes GUN, sabotaging missions and just generally doing his thing while using his status in the organization to get what he wants.

Due to his position and the sheer fact that he is the ultimate life form (and way too valuable to not be “under GUN’s control”) the authorities can’t punish him in any way for his betrayals and kinda get used to it.

God I have So Much Beef with the wiki page for him lmao lemme just. :)

<< Shadow also has a ruthless and merciless edge in combat that all other characters in the series lack, and displays a natural "killer instinct". >>

He only intended to kill Sonic in SA2 because he was blinded by rage and he planned to destroy the entire planet anyways.

I hate when people call shadow merciless and murderous and “killer instinct”... That’s not him...

He was TRAINED to be like this but that’s not who he really is.

Of course that learned behaviour isn’t easily unlearned, even if he cant remember when and how he learned it, but he has his own morals, too, and he is very very much against senseless death. If he can prevent it, he sure as fuck will do all he can do to save a life.

In Shadow’s eyes life is precious, something extraordinary. He promised to Maria to protect it, and he, himself, thinks of it as something worth protecting. Its true that he has a lot of trouble to accept his own feelings and thoughts as important and valuable, but that is due to the way he was raised.

(as an experiment that is not treated like it has its own will, he was constantly told to comply in experiments, but they never even bothered to tell him what this was all for or engage in deeper conversation with him; as we can see in SA2 when shadow talks to Maria about how confused he is about his purpose of existence.)

More than enough I see him frown or be disgusted or just. plain angry at nothing in particular in fanart. (or the evil bloody murder type of character... or him proudly holding guns or shit :)))))) Hm... )

There’s a difference between an angry face and a person that just doesn’t smile as neutral expression. like… there just are people who have a neutral expression but look unhappy because their mouth naturally rests in a ^ position instead of a - or a v …

<< In the original Japanese version, where Shadow omits honorifics and speaks highly of himself (if not rudely), though contrasting this, in Japanese he normally uses the "boku" pronoun when referring to himself as opposed to the more arrogant/confident "ore" pronoun (which characters such as Sonic use). >>

okay so the difference between boku and ore is that ore is VERY casual and mostly used when talking to someone you are close to, or when you're just really sure of yourself. Boku is a pronoun used mostly by young boys or when someone speaks humbly abt themselves.

And I don’t know how this confuses anyone, since Shadow did grow up on a fucking space station and that’s all he’s known, and he was probably treated like a child, even when he was grown up. Plus, Shadow might be a little arrogant and think very highly of himself (which he mostly does because all his life he was taught that he is a very special and superior life form, mind you), he still very much respects whoever else he is talking to, and he doesn’t take credit for his powers or the things that make him special. He’s the “it’s not a big deal” kind of guy. And he doesn’t mean it in a derogatory way, he means it in a way, that he doesn’t want to trouble the other person.

Making the other person believe that he has everything under control and that he’s okay gives them a sense of security in tense situations, which can be vital to success.

The way he interact with people might come off as rude and arrogant, but he does act with the best intents for the people around him. It’s just that even when his intent is well, his thoughts might be destructive rather than productive. (for example him thinking his feelings don’t matter and bottling them up.)

<< On occasion, Shadow appears to have some degree of mental instability. This is demonstrated by his instances of post-traumatic flashbacks to Maria's face prior to and during the events of Shadow the Hedgehog, though it could be argued that they were simply an effect of his amnesia. >>

whoever wrote this please eat a cactus

PTSD is not a joke and it’s definitely not just amnesia induced stress.

I remember seeing someone repost a gif of Shadow looking around anxiously shortly before having a flashback and saying how “cute” it is how “observant” and “jumpy” he is……

Those are PTSD symptoms and I hate how people make them the joke of a comic oftentimes. Sure these people could be uninformed but im just… Think a little more about it before making this shit up bc it physically hurts to see.

<< In Sonic Forces, it's heavily implied that Shadow ruthlessly slaughtered an entire mercenary band not only in an extremely dismissive, nonchalant manner (not even remembering the incident a few months later), but also seemed slightly proud, mocking the mercenary defence squad by saying they themselves needed a defence squad. >>

Sonic forces can fuck off its bad writing and it’s not shadow.

I made a comic showing what REALLY happened in episode shadow because *rolls eyes* sega doesn’t know their own characters.

[ read it here ]

Shortly summarized and in reference to what I said before: Shadow deems life precious and worth protecting, he would never kill without having a good damn reason to do so. (Like when he sees no other way to prevent a GREAT catastrophe or when the person just really DESERVES it. )

<< Shadow also possesses some sense of identity, as evidenced when after falsely being told that he isn't the Ultimate Lifeform due to a lab report. He states to Rouge that even if his memories were fake, he is still Shadow the Hedgehog. Similarly in Sonic Heroes, during the Egg Fleet level, he mentions that even without his memories, he is still the Ultimate Lifeform, Shadow the Hedgehog. These qualities make him rarely susceptible to being manipulated by other forces. >>

LMAO YEAH BECAUSE HE’S BEEN MANIPULATED FAR TOO MANY TIMES IN THE PAST HE’S DONE WITH THAT.

:))))))) BACK TO THE PTSD SYMPTOMS

He is incredibly distrustful and keeps mostly to himself, because he can’t be sure that someone else would (a)buse him for their own gain :) betray him, or do something horrible to him (or someone he’s close to).

His identity as Shadow the Hedgehog, the ultimate life form, is literally ALL HE HAS LEFT IN THIS WORLD.

Everyone he knew and was close to DIED. He woke up 50 years in the future, all alone. He literally had NOTHING.

He didn’t even have a reason to live, which motivated him to carry out Geralds plan to destroy the planet.

<< Despite his apathetic nature, Shadow is not without compassion and has shown concern for others at certain times. >>

I think you mean….

Despite having trouble to convey his feelings of compassion and concern for others, he is shown to make attempts of support through his actions and carefully chosen words.

As already mentioned, Shadow never learned how to socialize, he’s awkward about it, and on top of it all he has trouble trusting and opening up to people. Stop saying he doesn't care, he just doesn’t know how to show that.

Also Shadow is a very logically thinking person, so he might look at things a different way than others and see things very dry and objectively. He doesn’t mean to be rude or evil, whatever he does is always with the other people’s possible concerns and feelings in mind. (He just has trouble to read their emotions and imagining what they might think/how they feel about a situation).

<< Shadow brushes off most kindness or sympathy that is sent his way; in Sonic Heroes, when Rouge showed concern for Shadow when he saw a broken android, Shadow curtly brushed her concern away. >>

GOD. That’s because he doesn’t know how he feels about the situation himself yet. He also feels like he doesn’t deserve concern or worry from other people; and he very strongly dislikes making others feel bad. Making other people worry about him makes him a bother, and he doesn’t want to be an inconvenience. He puts on this mask of strong ultimate soldier that has everything under control, so he doesn’t hinder anyone from reaching their own full potential.

I mean.. I mentioned this like 3 times now but this is SO important!!!!

He appreciates support, but often times he feels like it’s shallow or the person might have secret intentions; so he only ever truly accepts it when he feels like it was genuine and deserved.

<< Despite the fact that Shadow often fights for the greater good, he is considered an anti-hero by the most part due to his morality. He does whatever is necessary to get what he wants or feels is right, though this enthusiasm causes him to take risks and jump into situations without fully thinking it through. >>

B-But that is the definition of anti-hero….

SOMEONE WHO DOES WHAT THEY WANT/HAVE TO DO TO ACHIEVE WHATEVER THEY THINK IS RIGHT ???

He’s just chaotic neutral you fungus………

<< Shadow's fighting style focuses on brutal, unrestrained and powerful hand-to-hand combat. In line with his nature and potent abilities, Shadow has adopted a fighting style where he fights his opponents using powerful blows, such as karate chops, swift punches and roundhouse kicks, to which many of his attacks have a significant amount of force behind them. With the speeds Shadow can move at, he can disable the opponent through the force of his blows alone, while leaving them at the mercy at his incoming attacks. >>

HERE’S THE TEA:

He attacks his opponents with such heavy blows hoping to take them down with minimal effort, but without actively harming them too much.

His attacks are chosen very carefully. In 06 his chaos spears even just paralyzed his opponents asjfhsakj like. he can do that.

AS ALREADY MENTIONED: shadow is out to immobilize; not to kill.

putting opponents out of commission is the goal, not to end their life in vain…. it’s RIGHT THERE

<< With the speeds Shadow can move at, he can disable the opponent through the force of his blows alone, while leaving them at the mercy at his incoming attacks. >>

HE DISABLES EM WITH ONE BLOW SO HE CAN JUST GO ON WITH HIS MISSION ASJKHFASKJ

this whole “leaving them at mercy” bullshit is unnecessary and incorrect.

<< While not having any physical weakness, Shadow was initially a somewhat easy target for manipulation during the time he had amnesia due to his confusion about who he was. >>

THIS IS IT! MY ENTIRE BEEF WITH HOW THE FANDOM TREATS SHTH AS A GAME!!!!!!!!!!! HOLY SHIT!!!!!!! HOOOOOOOOLLLLYYYY SSSSHHIIIIIITTTTTT!!!!!!!!!! LET ME TELL YOU

okay so the whole POINT of the game is to show the player ALTERNATIVE TIMELINES in which shadow is manipulated in slightly different ways which lead to slight changes in his personality and like. with all the selective information he received he can be manipulated into becoming different kinds of people.

i don't see how people dismiss the entire game as not canon?????, IMO those are all very valid and canon alternative timelines??? like… canon AUs???????

you can't just throw the entire game under the rug???

and saying things like “shadow is an android now i guess bc of that one shth ending” im..,

he was MANIPULATED into BELIEVING so. Eggman lied to him so he would obey him. (or just to make him unstable enough to be able to restrain him)

(proof ^^^^^ dialogue of eggman speaking to shadow during the final boss, saying that he lied and that shadow is the real shadow)

OH BOY ........ THE TRUE ENDING!!!!!!!! HOOOLY SHIIIIT

people have so much beef with shadow “leacing the past behind him” and like the “sayonara shadow the hedgehog” in the last cutscene…….. im…………………….

“leaving the past behind” doesn’t mean just forgetting about everything and pretending it never happened, it means ACKNOWLEDGING that it happened, ACCEPTING IT…. learning from it and then…. MOVING FORWARD.

it means that you learned from your past and are now at peace with it, not stressing over it anymore… finally able to focus on the present moment and your feelings in the NOW; maybe even think about the future a little more.

just. yeah. it means he made peace with his past and wont let it define him (in the sense that its all he thinks about and that his haunting memories control him) and he is more confident in himself and perhaps regained some self-worth…

and that “sayonara shadow the hedgehog” is

a call to say that his old “self” is now gone, and that it's time for the new “self” to rise

just look at the room he’s in and the picture he's looking at…… those were maria's last words at him…… let him mourn one last time, let him make peace with her death. he’s been stressing over it long enough.

<< Professor Gerald's granddaughter, Maria Robotnik, is by far the one person that made Shadow the happiest. She was like a sister to him, and they shared the same dream; to visit Earth. >>

Can yall stop shipping them romantically? thanks.

I headcanon that Shadow adopts the Robotnik last name for a VERY GOOD reason.

okay im done w the wiki bye fuckface

I’m not done yet tho.

I want to talk about a thing I see in lots of fanart too...

Shadow smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol.

Shadow is a highly sensitive creature and alcohol has an unpleasant sting to it when you drink it and he KNOWS it’s bad for people’s health. He would never indulge wild parties or participate in “jolly drinking” where people drink for the purpose of getting drunk and having “fun”.

He very much appreciates having one drink with rouge at the bar (for the taste, purely) or a beer at a meal with someone else.

He doesn’t actively seek it, but he also is not totally repulsed by it.

What disgusts him is the abuse of alcohol and he doesn’t like associating with that behavior and stays away from people who do that.

why? easy. let’s just take a look at cigarettes.

each package has a warning and disgusting picture of the aftermath of smoking on it, and everyone is very well informed about how bad it is for their own health, and more so for the health of the people around them.

He does not accept people who put whatever benefit they think they receive from this, if they put it before the well being of others and willingly make themselves sick and rot.

Same goes for alcohol. Everyone is very well aware that its toxic to our bodies, but people get drunk and risky anyways. This way of fleeing their troubles is illogical and ungrateful.

Ungrateful to the gift of life, to the healthy bodies they posses. It has a lot to do with the unfairness he feels when he thinks about how Maria had a life expectancy of 9 or 10 years for something that wasn’t even her fault. And there are other, perfectly fine humans out there, that willingly destroy their bodies and willingly accept that they are harming the ones around them with their behavior too.

[ DISCLAIMER: This is not meant to call anyone who reads this that drinks or smokes out as a bad person; you can do what you want I’m not trying/going to try convincing you to stop or make you feel guilty. This is the standpoint of someone who has experienced health related loss, so it indeed is extreme. I am not trying to start a debate. ]

another beef i have is the weird idea that shadow is a lusty dominant rapist

[ warning that sexual themes might be discussed, but not explicit ]

shadow is MOST PROBABLY asexual; and even if he was interested in intercourse he would be polite about it, seek consent and so on and so on

just are many people forgetting that despite him being very mature, he had not had much life experience yet.

not to be reaching but he kinda fits the “born sexy yesterday-trope”; where he is mature, there’s a gray area on his age, and he is clueless about how life works and basically a man-child “that needs teaching”

just that for some weird reason i see a lot of people draw shadow as very flirtatious, and in fanfictions he gets very violent towards romantic partners and ofc the infamous sonadow rape porn (tho ive encountered stuff relating to the born sexy yesterday shit too)

[ im not here to discuss how WRONG the things above are in its own, im just here to talk abt characterization today. ]

i just want generally everything to stop........... its bad........ don’t put that shit up in public and then even untagged........

[ warning end ]

..........

before anyone comes at me like “uuummmm but things you said are bad are actually portrayed in canon like that”

sorry but

hate to say it but i know their character better than sega themselves.

I’m tired and my wrists hurt i need to stop typing now but you did not hear the last of me.

#character analysis #my opinion #shadcanon #kinda? idk #i just wanna find this post again asjkfhaskjfhaj #shadows logbook #meta/ shadow

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steve0discusses · 6 years

Text

Yugioh S1 Ep 47: Man I wish this was episode 69 so I could just write “Dice.”

Lets see how our favorite Pharaoh is faring, starting up with a duel against this guy who was making a game, and then got hella distracted and ended up shoving five games into one game like he has game designer ADD.

Duke Devlin is the most sane person we’ve dueled but also the most obsessive human we’ve met, if that makes sense. Because I’m that type of person, here’s a little chart I made to explain what I mean.

(read more under the cut)

So, this is just how my brain has been cataloguing the people we’ve spent actual time with. I separate them first into “are they a guy or are they a god?” (Yugi and Ryou kind of being in a vague area in the middle, but I didn’t feel like making a third row for 2 people)

Then, my brain separates them into three categories

the psychopaths, AKA people who cannot let go of a grudge and so live in a near constant state of rage and/or a superiority/inferiority complex. Not necessarily a BAD person just...youknow...

the normies, AKA people who are kind of just there and for the most part hold it together really well.

and the "OOPS! I screwed it!?!” category AKA people who are generally harmless but, for reasons largely out of their control, have a trigger that will send them right off and into the obsessive-cray zone. They don’t want to derail the whole show/get abducted for the millionth time/have yet another complete melt down, it’s just that there was a huuuuge misunderstanding. They’re not really WANTING to murder anyone, it’s just...sometimes people are there at the wrong time and its just gonna happen and what do you do? They probably deserved it? They probably deserved it.

Now this isn’t a good to evil type of scaling, especially since in this show a lot of our characters are morally gray, but it is a bit of a scaling of “what type of far gone are they?” And off the top of my head here’s where I classify them.

Also, I’m in S1 so all of this will probably change. Joey isn’t like super Psychopathic or anything, it’s just that he acts a lot like Kaiba sometimes in how he gets pissed off and holds a grudge against people he barely knows so I feel like he crosses the line enough in my brain to lump them together. I’m on the fence about Bakura. He’s just sort of too random at the moment.

I realize now that I have Panic on here for some reason. I dunno why, I guess I really liked that guy.

And so, of our humans, Duke really freakin screwed it this episode. Like he was really far off the mark, but I don’t think he’s a psychopath or anything. He’s just some guy who screwed it. And Duke, because he’s kinda obsessive-cray is just diving all in on those dice. I mean, when you have a single dice dangle earring, you gotta commit all the way.

But in the meantime, Duke is still dragging Joey, and Pharaoh is still freakin pissed because youknow...that’s sort of his natural state.

My brother tells me this game is actually a very fun GBA game but it really doesn’t seem like my thing. Seems kind of like Megaman Battle Network, if that makes any sense? But with a Carcasonne aspect to it?

Anyway, last episode Joey just really wanted to get close to these girls, and this episode he gets his wish granted, only to realize that this school is about 85% bullies.

How is it playing a game your competitor has never heard of before and then purposely not telling him the rules NOT counted as cheating? Not like it mattered.

And so then we find out the reason that Duke Devlin is out to get Yugi--and it’s a humdinger.

That’s right, he’s a Pegasus apologist--and it’s like are you SURE there, Duke? Are you certain that this is the cliff you want to die on before you oops! duel an actual god?

I feel like you could just swim through all of the paperwork that is all of the evidence we’ve dug up on Pegasus, as if it were Scrooge McDuck moneypit amounts of evidence. That’s how much evidence we have. And yet, here we have a Pegasus apologist.

Duke was inventing this game on a computer--which makes you wonder why he made it into an actual board game since with all those moving dice parts, it would just be waaaaay better on a computer but...youknow. He emails Pegasus, as you do when you have a game idea, and for some reason, Pegasus actually responds.

You’d think that this dice game which operates entirely on RNG would actually be real effective against the psychic but...I guess the eyeball still made him win? Anyways, Duke is so enamored, he’s decided Pegasus is his new best friend, and just jumps into that helicopter thinking this will be the first day of the rest of his life and he couldn’t be more excited and that nothing could ever ruin it. Alas, look at this timing:

Apparently, after the tourney ended, Pegasus became unreachable...because I mean, he’s got a lot to digest after years of being possessed by a millennium item and killing a whole ton of people. (not to mention the staggering realization that, in this state, he painted his spooky dead wife like 400 times always in the same exact dress) After about...only 2 days or so of not being able to reach Pegasus, Duke decides “I know what I’ll do, I’ll clear Pegasus’ name by dragging his victims on national television! That always works!”

Pharaoh hears this story, unblinking, and is like “WTF”

Normally in kid’s programming, you have to tell some sort of moral, and there must always be some overwhelming positive reward for good behavior. But Yugioh doesn’t do that, they show that you can do good things, be a hero and save the day and that despite all that you will get dragged through the coals for it. That’s just life. you can’t ever be the hero without also being someone else’s curse.

So, it’s a play on a normal quest formula, where beating the villain usually means that you did it, the quest is over. The season is done. Everyone’s happy. But, there’s a pretty strong underlying theme in all of Yugioh, that beating a villain isn’t an “end”, it doesn’t actually solve the core problem if everyone else still acts and operates the same way as they did before. You have to unlearn being an asshole and damn, that’s a hard habit to break.

Like how Kaiba didn’t know how to solve his problems after Pharaoh wiped his mind, Duke doesn’t know how to solve this problem without Pegasus. Now that Pegasus is removed, Duke is reacting similar to Kaiba loosing half his brain (which was a hell ton of anger and lashing out).

So, even though Pharaoh decided he’s not gonna do that mind-wipe thing anymore, he’s still that power-reset force that no one asked for. Like Kaiba, Duke has to start his business model over from square one, and much like Kaiba was, he’s in complete denial and desperate to see what he wants to see.

And then, it’s been a while, how’s that splash screen action looking?

Ah. For once it’s not spooky. Did we even get a splash screen for Rebecca? Or like any of the digital arc? Hm. I don't’ remember. Feels like years ago.

Next week, on Yugioh:

Yugi’s normal jacket is just at the dry cleaners, right? Like Grandpa was like “listen, son, it’s growing moss, please let me sanitize this”

So did Bakura just take that eyeball and bounce or is he just busy doing makeup homework? Maybe he’s secretly intending to graduate.

Did anyone clear this with Grandpa or did he just turn on his TV just now and go “Oh Hell, Yugi.”

#yugioh #yugioh recap #photo recap #s1 ep 48 #wow only one more episode #and then this season is over #yugi muto #duke devlin #joey wheeler in a dog suit #tristan taylor #tea gardner #way too many dice

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prettylittleliarsxxxx · 7 years

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My sister just got out of an abusive relationship. He manipulated her and emotionally abused her. She’s struggling cause she feels like she can’t remember who she is, causing dramatic mood swings, and she snaps at us for no reason. I’ve read about abuse many times, I know this is how it goes, and even though in theory I know how I should act, irl it just doesn’t work that way. I was wondering if you have any advice on how I could help her. PS: thanks for talking about this, it can't be easy.

First of all, I’m really sorry that she’s going through that, and I’m sorry that you have to watch the effects happen. It’s a hard thing not only to experience first hand, but to see a loved one suffer.

I guess my biggest thing is that there’s no set rules for how to support someone who’s been abused. Everybody responds differently to different kinds of support. The fact that she’s fresh out of the relationship is important because even though she was abused, she’s still grieving heartbreak and the loss of a relationship. It’s a lot of feelings all rolled into one.

I can’t speak for her but I know personally, after getting out of my relationship, I was hurt and upset because I had left someone I cared a lot for. There’s a lot of guilt in there because of abuse. I knew he treated me poorly but I never actually started considering our relationship as abuse until several years later. I don’t know if this is the case with your sister, but it’s a possibility. Sometimes the full weight of being abused doesn’t actually catch up to the abuse survivor until many years later, and that’s definitely something to consider.

It’s very common for survivors of emotional abuse to lose themselves after getting out. While in a relationship that is so emotionally abusive, with so much manipulation, you come to believe that you can only survive with your partner. Who you are is tied to them. So when they go away, or when the abused person leaves, you don’t know who you are anymore. It essentially wipes away the person you used to be and truthfully, sometimes you never get that person back. It’s a very hard recovery process. It’s very likely that as time goes on, she (and you) will start to notice the effects the abuse had on her and the best thing that I can recommend is therapy. I don’t know your situation, where you live or your financial circumstances, but if it’s possible, I would absolutely discuss with her the possibility of therapy.

Emotional abuse is really hard to recover from because it doesn’t leave scars you can see. I’ve found that a lot of emotional abuse survivors, myself included, never consider their abuse to be “that bad”. There are even days when I’m not convinced what I went through was abuse. When someone damages you psychologically, it’s easy for people to simply say, “maybe you’re just overreacting” or “you’re too sensitive” and not only do other people say that to us, but we tend to say it to ourselves. Which is normally actually an effect of the abuse.

When she talks, listen. That’s a huge thing. A lot of people mean well and try to cheer up their loved ones and it’s very well intentioned, but the very best thing supporters can do is listen. If we tell you we’re anxious about doing something, there is a reason why. If we tell you we were triggered by some random line in a tv show or by a smell or by certain foods, there is a reason why. So many people like to say “oh that’s nothing to be upset over” or “just push through it, you’ll never get anywhere if you don’t” and while it’s almost always well intentioned, it is not helpful. At a certain point, we do have to push through certain things, but being pushed before we’re ready can be very dangerous. So listening is very important. Let us feel what we feel, don’t try to tell us how we should feel, or what not to feel, because we need to process these emotions and chances are, at some point, she was made to feel badly for expressing her emotions. One of the things I remember the most about my relationship was my ex berating me for crying. On multiple occasions. He told me once, “It’s funny when you cry.”

I have a tag on my mental health blog for abuse, I don’t know if that’ll be any help to you but it might be. It’s a mix of academic/psychology stuff, people talking about their abuse and the effects it’s had on them, and I know there’s stuff about things like a family member did that wasn’t helpful to their recovery. I have a lot of stuff in queue too.

It’s such a hard thing to give advice for, I guess yeah my biggest things are listen to her, let her talk to you. Don’t necessarily pressure her to talk about it because it can be hard, but it’s okay to put feelers out and see if she’d be okay talking about it. Validate the feelings she’s going through because I wouldn’t be surprised if she feels like a lot of her feelings and actions are invalid. It can also be really hard as an abuse survivor to be around people who haven’t been abused because it’s very easy to feel like we were weak and that the people around us are judging us.

You can also ask her. Ask her what she needs from you, ask her what is helpful for her. She might not know. And if she doesn’t, that’s okay. But have her tell you when you’ve done something that she finds helpful.

Try to also remember that abuse victims tend to learn abusive behaviours. That does not mean they are like their abusers, or that they are inherently abusive. There will be a lot of things she has to unlearn that are both effects of the abuse, and learned abuse from her abuser. You are not her emotional punching bag and I would also advise you to consider therapy if you think you can’t handle it, or aren’t sure what to do. There’s a reason there’s normally support groups for people who have loved ones suffering.

I honestly don’t know if any of this will help :/ I hope it does. But it’s so tough because we all have different needs when it comes to support.

I also recommend looking at the abuse search on The Mighty. Some articles there might be helpful

#chatting with sara #ask #abuse #long post #anon #answered

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qualapec · 8 years

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Favorite characters meme

@myheartgoesswimming tagged me in this!

“Post 10 of your favorite characters from different fandoms, in no particular order, and tag 10 people [if you want!] “

I’m a JERK who can’t help but rank my favorite characters,

Favorite male characters:

1. Jacob Frye Jacob had an absolutely unprecedented climb up my favorite characters list. He went from being this butch asshole in the trailers for AC:S to...I LOVE MY BI SON??? I don’t think I’ve purely identified with a character so much since Marian Hawke in DAII when I was a closeted 18 year old who didn’t think I’d ever come out. Like, I’m ultimately not too protective of my favorite dudes--I look at my list and I’m like, yeah, this is mostly garbage. Jacob is the one dude character who I have actually cried over people saying shit about him (I casually call Jacob garbage a lot, but not too long ago a good friend said “yeah, he fucks up everything. really everyone would be better off without him” and I cried harder than I thought I would).

I identify with Jacob because he’s a giant ADHD bisexual who messes up literally everything he does but still tries the best he can to be a good person and he’s someone who still legitimately cares about people who have hurt him deeply. At the same time, he’s not a queer character that wants to fully integrate with society either. He’s funny and loves his sister and she’s a better Assassin than he is. He’s a good person but his queerness isn’t clean--it’s rough and it hurts and it damages his relationships and it’s so real to me.

I’ve never felt happier about being bi and not totally good at things than the months after AC:S came out and Jacob was announced as canonically bisexual. Before that I’d been struggling a lot with the lesbians v. bi women thing, and Jacob just made me feel so good about myself and so hopeful. I love Jacob Frye.

2. Johannes Cabal I have never been more right about a character’s ultimate arc than I was with Cabal. He’s been on my list of faves for years, but the fifth book jettisoned him into second place among the guys. If he were canonically queer he and Jacob would probably be tied tbqh. I love this horrible man. I love his arc. Anyone who wants to write villains with a redemption should read these books. SPOILERS but I love how his arc isn’t about accepting things the way they are re: death. He never accepts the Bible, never goes to confession and gets his sins forgiven. He never gives up his desire for things to be changed and for the unfairness/injustice of death to be righted and his disbelief in religion as a savior. He never gives up his arrogance. He’s still really smart.

But by the end, he becomes a human who is worthy of having friends and is capable of doing the right thing and that means so much to me. I expected a giant Thing at the end where he did something truly villainous to show that he was Always That Way and Always Would Be, but it never happened. He slowly defeated evil within himself without even knowing it, and that matters to me.

END SPOILERS. The second trash wizard I ever fell in love with.

3. Loki (MCU). Oh, Loki. My queer rage analogue.

Some context: I saw Thor (2011) when my family was falling apart. I was mad, so mad. That scene when Loki confronts Odin was so profound to me--I read it as a coming out scene, and I know a lot of other queer folks did, too.

I’ve known I was bi since Dragon Age II, as dumb as that sounds. When I wanted nothing more than to romance both a dude and a lady. BUT I had planned to bury it. It was easier to just date men, so why not? When Loki was revealed as Canonically Bisexual, that was really when the word clicked for me. That was the moment I think I knew that word was truly inescapable for me.

Whoo boy. That scene in the Avengers when he shows up after creating a portal with the Tesseract and intends to tear the world apart...that’s the moment I realized how queer and angry I was. I was closeted and wanted to burn it ALL down. He would either win or be destroyed, and the fantasy of burning as I was was so satisfying to me--either way he was going to die as himself. I was sitting in the theatre and that was when I knew I had no choice but to come out. I was afraid. Anger was an easier feeling to have.

Loki. My reminder that I’ll take a queer villain over a Perfect Queer (TM) every day of the week and also for the rest of my life--I will never, ever care about a Perfect Queer, because that’s not what I am, that’s not the family I come from, that’s not the reality of my health or what I aspire to be. That rage gave me the courage to come out, and tbqh it gives me strength now.

4. Harry Dresden Harry is Trash Wizard Prime. I discovered him during a time when men were an absolute mystery to me--I didn’t grow up with many (any) good male role models. As a bi teenager, I started to notice men because that’s the thing girls attracted to men were socially supposed to do, and I realized I didn’t understand them.

I saw the cover for Dead Beat in a Barnes & Noble and I picked it up. He looked so dashing, so rogueish. And this chaotic good motherfucker is that. He cares about people and wants to do the best he can with his gift, even if he is imperfect, and that spoke to me as a teenager so much.

He was a male character who I felt safe with. Society hated him for his gift, and sometimes did its best to destroy him even while he was trying to be good (which, in retrospect, is one reason why I associate mages/wizards/witches with queerness). I felt like he was a man who would protect me as a girl who, at that time, thought of myself as het but who was very afraid of men (L O L. LOL. L O L. Biggest joke ever) and who had experienced trauma at male hands.

I felt deeply betrayed when, after Changes, he had intrusive thoughts about raping the women around him.

I don’t quite have words for how much that hurt. Cabal was never misogynist in quite that way, and Loki is a virulent misogynist, but in a way that strikes me as very real for some queer men (not okay, but A Thing That Actually Happens). And as someone with OCD who experiences damaging intrusive thoughts myself, I feel like should have understood.

I felt really betrayed when Harry’s character took that direction. It caught me by surprise. It was actually triggering for me--the message I got was “every man will hurt you” and I’ve spent years trying to unlearn that. I remember shaking after a certain chapter of the book after Changes. I remember thinking that Men Will Always Hurt Me if Harry would.

Recent books revealed it was the result of a demon in his head...but it still hurt a lot. I discovered those books when I needed a man to look up to, and I still feel like that trust was betrayed.

I wouldn’t really recommend The Dresden Files to any of my friends now--I still want them to read them to understand a very formative text for me. I love Harry Dresden. He is part of what made me, of what defined my morality. I love him. I want him to be part of a better story.

Also I will be 100% honest and say that his super cis straight dude descriptions of wanting to sleep with women really spoke to me as a young queer chick. I was really into “vagazzled” btw.

5. Cullen Rutherford WE HAVE ARRIVED AT THE OUTLIER.

Cullen has that Captain America vibe I usually can’t stand. He’s super lawful good and even upholds laws that he shouldn’t.

He’s also a drug addict who was deeply traumatized and needs his girlfriend to function (an ongoing theme with me). Even his very oppressive anger makes sense to me. It sucks, but I get it. That’s valid.

Also, I really hate it when people say his character arc made no sense. I’m sorry, those people flat out don’t understand narrative or think characters can escape their original packaging. Spoiler; that’s not an ‘arc’. Characters change, deal with it.

I think one thing I love about Cullen is that he was really, really tailored for women who are interested in men (note: not just Straight Women).

I think one of the biggest things for me is that he’ll do anything for the Inquisitor (his girlfriend). He was SUPPOSED to be bi via leaks from the company that made the game (if that was canon he’d be much higher on this list). But it does ultimately matter a lot to me that he was so specifically tailored to be a fantasy for women who are interested in men. He loves her. He will do almost anything for her. She helps him get over a serious addiction. Cullen taught (my bi/poly ass) about m/f narratives that I needed.

I guess I have a Thing for men who really need the women in their lives. Cullen gets the girlfriend role, and all the trauma that only men are usually allowed to have.

Honorable mentions:

Victor and Yuuri from Yuri on Ice. (If they had more canonical trauma, they would have lettered, and they may in the future. I love that Literally Wearing a Bi Flag Victor is a garbage human being who doesn’t understand feelings but still loves is boyfriend and doesn’t want that relationship to end. I love how Yuuri is an anxious gay baby.) Albert Wesker, a truly fine villain who was not done justice by those movies. Ned Wynert, who taught me a lot about writing characters from marginalized groups I am not a part of.

Favorite lady characters: 1. Marian Hawke. I almost don’t have words for how deeply formative Hawke is to me. She changed my life. I know she can be a different person no matter who plays her, but I think the things I fundamentally love about her are somehow universal.

For context on Marian Hawke--I was 18 and deeply closeted when I played DAII for the first time. I had committed to “never coming out” because I thought it would make my mom sad. I remember sitting in the uni library and thinking about Hawke and how bi aka queer (ADDITIONALLY poly) I was and I regret how that was the moment I decided I would only date men because it would be easier. That didn’t last. I didn’t know how much that would tear me up inside.

Hawke was the first gateway to my sexuality, but I thought I could avoid her message. I knew I wanted to date both men and women.

Hawke herself is...me. Granted, you can control some of her actions as the player, but she still fucks up in a lot of the same ways no matter which version of her you play. She still tries to do the best she can (sometimes that’s a lot, sometimes not a lot, sometimes it’s oppressive). She cares. I can’t remember if she or Cabal came into the Trash Wizard (or trash mage) #2 slot, but she’s right up there on my fave trash magician list.

Because she’s so deeply formative, she’s another character I can’t be rational about. I HATE with every fiber of my being that she’s not static/unchangeable. I partly hate dude!Hawke so much because there are no female characters like my take on Marian that even EXIST. Soft butch, bi, diplomatic, kinda funny, kinda mad.

She tries her best, just like I think I do. She fails a lot, even when she means well. My Marian is bi as fuck. She changed my life. I don’t know who I would be without her (I mean, probably still bi as fuck, but still). I love Marian Hawke.

2. Evie Frye. I’ll just say it: Evie Frye fixed my ability to write female characters.

I was feeling a lot of pressure from other female writers (sadly, even particularly other queer women) to write WOMEN’S NARRATIVES. I felt like those had to be about rape and weakness and strength in spite of that. THAT IS A NARRATIVE THAT MATTERS, however I either struggle to identify with it, or I over-identify with it and I’m afraid to walk to my car.

Evie isn’t that.

She’s perhaps the greatest Assassin in history, short of Altair or Ezio, who made the brotherhood what it is. She lives and breathes that tradition. She’s most powerful when she is unseen, and in that way, I always feel safe with her. She’s the rightful heir to the entire series, so I feel like she will always be safe.

I learned so much about how to write myself and what I wanted and what I think a lot of other women want even if it’s not part of The Discourse, through Evie Frye. She defies stereotypes about what it means to be “woman”. She’s treated no worse than Jacob by the narrative, and she’s arguably treated as the inheritor of the Assassin tradition and like her skills matter just a bit more. The narrative could do without Jacob (as much as I love him) but it couldn’t do without Evie. She’s just as powerful as he is.

That we get to see her as both a new adult and a middle aged women is extra important. The fact that she spends her later narrative hunting one of the most virulent men in history (Jack the Ripper) means a lot to me. She is most powerful in her prime, while Jacob burns out later on, and that ALSO matters a lot to me. Shitty men are afraid of her, not the other way around. There’s no narrative where she lets the think they could rape her to win; she just wins. (Again, nothing wrong with female characters who use their femininity that way, but Evie just kills those fuckers, and that’s what I need in my life of believing in self defense).

I love her. She loves her husband, she loves her brother. She’s prim and proper and perfectly tailors her outfits and knows how to strike a killing blow. Evie is about a different kind of resistance than Jacob, but she’s still about resistance. She’s the first female character I’ve seen, in literal years, who is allowed to exist beyond her own femininity. She’s just allowed to exist and be really cool. Evie also means a lot to me.

3. Leonie Barrow This song really sums up Leonie Barrow for me. /They see you as small and helpless, they see you as just a child/ Surprise when they find out that a warrior will soon run wild/. She starts out as so?? Small?? compared to the overall narrative of the Cabal books, which are steeped in angels and gods and Lovecraftian abominations from whom the very foundations of the universe were forged. She’s the Innocent Girl at first. Her femininity, her innocence, does matter, but it’s not what I thought it would be. And by the end, she’s a shotgun wielding master detective, who Cabal CANONICALLY trusts to make the same logical decisions he would.

She is willing to kill to defend her friends even if she doesn’t like it. She will stand against the darkness and be afraid but she will smile.

She’s also almost /definitely/ canonically bi at the end of the fifth book, short of the actual word being used. It’s not a plot spoiler, but it gives me life either way. She’s not the girlfriend, she’s not the Woman, she’s something else and she matters in her own way. Her potential is limitless, and I’m inspired by her every single day. People talk about Stever Rogers as their human ideal, but I guess Leonie Barrow is my comfortable alternative.

Leonie Barrow saves people by her empathy--and she’s also willing to wield a shotgun. Outside of a magical girl narrative, she and Elizabeth DeWitt are the purest versions of the ‘weaponized femininity’ narrative I can think of.

4. Elizabeth DeWitt Oh, Elizabeth. I love her. I love her fucked up history. I love her fucked up present and her implied fucked up future. I wish she had a better ending. If I ever write fic, it will be to correct what has been done to her by canon.

Elizabeth is trying to escape her fate. Her ultimate arc may be about accepting a shitty end, but I don’t think that has to be the case, since I think so much of her story is about denying her future. Like her, I will always hope and strive for something better. She’s femme and hard and powerful and will break the world and make it whole again all with one wishing <3 .

She has the power of a god and the writers/developers/designers didn’t know how to handle that in an interesting way. I love her.

5. Talia (from Arrows of the Queen) SO

When you are reading about a clinically depressed character and you think, “I IDENTIFY WITH HER SO MUCH” that’s probably a sign. So many times, Talia tried to tell me how I was feeling, and it took me a very long time to listen.

I was easily clinically depressed when I read the Arrows of the Queen books. My uncle had just died without me coming out to him. I felt like a disappointment to my mom. My bachelors degree was on fire and it wasn’t totally my fault. There was nothing about myself that I didn’t deeply despise when I read these books, nothing that I didn’t feel the world would be better without. I didn’t want to die, since I have a very particular attachment to my mortality and no matter what, I’m attached to my life for my mom, but I felt so fundamentally worthless that it still hurts to think about. I haven’t been that low since then, and I hope to never be that low again.

I was depressed and I didn’t know it. I don’t think I was truly suicidal even then, even if I was experiencing almost daily suicidal ideation. I don’t think I would have died, but I still think Talia saved my life a little bit--she at least taught me that it’s okay to acknowledge my illness and seek treatment and that it’s okay to want to be happy. I’m so deeply grateful for that I don’t even have words for it, partly because, while I think I would have survived, I wouldn’t be happy.

Talia also got to fuck the most desirable male characters in the Arrows of the Queen trilogy. Even though she was quiet and was shy and was depressed. The message was this: I could have love even if I was mentally ill. I specify ‘male’ characters because Talia was straight, and also because a part of me feels less desirable to men than women, so that fantasy means a lot to me.

Talia is me at my most vulnerable. Talia is me when I want to reach into my own chest and tear myself apart. I love her. She matters. <3

Honorable mentions:

Pearl from Steven Universe (my favorite anxious lesbian, who got a great character arc that I never expected to be validating to both the lesbian-bi women dilemma and to her mental illness. I <3 Pearl). All the women in Overwatch. Sailor Moon and her soldiers. Tamora Pierce’s heroines. Lara Croft.

Tagging @swimthroughthefires @fakeandroid @doomquasar @amandaironic @strawberrylaugh @ghostofthemotif

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geoffreywalton · 4 years

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annabellsr · 6 years

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Just skip this. Im stoned and in A Mood™

Its 3 am and i cant sleep and im overthinking so im going to write it out to ride it out.

Here we go.

Ive introduced caffeine back into my diet and that was a horrible awful mistake. My bad @ myself. My sleep has been FUCKED since. And the worst part? I crave it. Lmaoo dumb.

I like this writing but its way too fucking big damn it.

Welp.

I fucking almost texted my ex today to tell her what a piece of shit she was and is and that i am mad that her last letter to me she LITERALLY said she learned how to love thanks to all the abuse she put me through. I try not to think about it. But fun fact about caffeine is it can make you agitated. And it can effect you negatively if you have certain mental illnesses. And for someone who is so outspoken about it sometimes i am just so. In. Denial. About. My. Own. Illnesses.

Im still learning better coping skills and how to love and accept myself while simultaneously trying to unlearn a LOT of unhealthy thought patterns and coping habits.

Like accepting the fact i have a caffeine sensitivity. Like I know i will trigger a panic attack if i get more than 80mg of it in me. But i always tell myself i can push through it. Or it wont happen this time. Or i need to just buck up and deal with it. Like when will i learn? Who fucking knows but it sure as hell wasnt this week.

I was also thinking about kevin today. I hate him so so so much. However. I also feel so so so bad for him because i kinda understand him a little bit and we have some of the same bad coping habits. Except where my emotions lean towards sad his lean toward anger. Like yeah theres a ton of sad underneath there, but it shows itself as anger. Which is super rude, dangerous, and annoying. Buuut anyway. I was thinking about the day i legit almost killed myself. Like i was fucking ready.

I was so ready infact, that it scared me. And i reached out for help that day. I called a (at the time) friend. I didnt tell her why i called. Or what i was feeling. See the funny thing about me is im an Overshare-er™ and tend to do so especially when im stressed or feeling anxious(thats actually a pretty common symptom of anxiety). However there have been some distinct moments in my life where i wanted something so so badly i was able to keep my mouth shut until after i did whatever it was. These also happen to be key turning points in my life (some more obvious than others). So when i was on the phone with her and realized i had no desire to talk about wanting to end it all, and lied when she asked what was up, REALLY scared me. I felt, for a moment, like my body had made the decision for me. Like it was a once in a lifetime (lmaooo no pun intended) chance to change the direction my life was going. I was so sure i was ready. I didnt care what happened after, i wasnt even going to write a note because i felt whatever sob story excuse i had would just be scoffed at or seen as dramatic. I always felt too dramatic, too much, too alone, too intensely, too too too too too.

I always thought the problem

Was me.

UNTIL

This year. This year I finally realized (and mostly accepted ((i still have bad days, still rewiring the ol brain)) ) that /I/ was never the problem. I was just a fucking kid. Doing fucking kid shit. That NORMAL KIDS NORMALLY DO.

KEVIN was AND IS just a bully asswipe WHO ABUSED A CHILD because he was stuck in some shitty cycle cause his daddy was mean to him too. I mean hes still a shit person, hes impulsive, rude, racist, surprisingly not so homophobic? (Prob was when younger i could totally see it. He would be the "lesbians are fine but a gay dude betyer not evem glance at me" douche. ) and honestly a deadbeat who wont take care of himself, mind body or soul.

So to know that my childhood was legit wrecked by this dillweed fucking ENRAGES me. Which is SO ironIC CONSIDERING I SPENTMY 12-21 YEARS OF LIFE REPRESSING ANY FORM OF ANGER BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID OF TURNING OUT LIKE MY ABUSER WHO ONLY EVER SHOWED ME ANGER. And disgust. Like legit im sure he is disgusted by me.

But as soon as it clicked in my tumbleweed of a head that the only reason my childhood sucked wasnt because there was something wrong with me, but because i was someones scapegoat?! All that anger fucking ripped a new one in me.

Its like going on a T break and then smoking again. Its intense, and you feel it in every inch of you and its new but familiar at the same time but sometimes it is just SO INTENSE. Sometimes its too intense.

Just to think. He fucking broke me down to the point i was convinced it was me. I was the problem. I was always wrong or not enough or gross or too-SOMETHING. He broke me down to the point

Was

Going

Kill

Self

All because he never got help for himself, but instead took it out on me.

Fucking disgusting.

And i fucking HATE that sometimes i really want to help him. Because im fucking soft and when i step back i can see he is just a human suffering and i dont think people deserve to suffer.

Even though i know he never thinks twice about the way he treated me. (Mainly because he gets the fucking blessing of not remembering any of it. Fucker.) and even if i told him he prob wouldnt even care.

Sometimes i do think about telling him.

Laying it all out there.

And then blocking his number so i never have to know what his reply would be.

Its 330am.

I have work in 12 hours.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

#tw suicice

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