#because i love myself and im doing it to be my authentic self

[xamaxenta]

Stresses me out alot that i cant physically bind anymore idk what happened in the last few years but any kind of compression hurts and it sucks it was the only thing i could do now i cant even do that

[faultsofyouth]

I really am so sensitive my mother is right. I'm thinking about all the things right now and I have concluded that I am delicate. I let things hurt me that I don't need to

[noxtivagus]

reading the old stuff i wrote from ages ago n damn these words are still so familiar

[pinksobg]

Why did this happen?

breathe and close your eyes to concentrate if you prefer. for reflection. hope you enjoy and it is insightful. ❤️

pile number 1 - Oh, yes, pile number 1. you went through a time of difficulty, scarcity, a place where you were not being treated fairly, you may have probably left an unbalanced place, where your voice was not heard and you felt rushed and devalued. That is really tough pile number 1, im really sorry to hear that. This happened because you deserved better. You deserved to leave this cramped space without scales, to a better place. Clearly a new place where you feel valued, heard and back in your personal power. you deserve the best. This situation may have been in a work environment, when rejecting a project or job proposal. But it can also be a friendship, a long-term relationship, among other varied aspects in your current reality.

cards - 5 of pentacles, queen of wands rx., temperance rx., king of pentacles.

card of advice - 9 of swords. If you are feeling very anxious, it is recommended that you visit a psychologist, therapist and return movement in your life, starting with something that you consider simple or easier, it could be cleaning something from your space and or physical exercise if it is possible. thank you so much. take care. you matter.

------------------------------

pile 2 - Oh, pile 2. It's an intense energy, I tried to prepare myself as much as possible to transmit this message. It is very likely that you have gone through a situation where you cannot be the charitable, kind and loving person that you are. You had to fight not to get hurt on this situation, whether by setting limits or trying to trust yourself again. In other words, if you didn't raise your guard you would have continued in a very exhausting cycle. It may have been an argument, a fight, a cut in something that you may have asked yourself 'but I don't act like this normally, what happened to me'. These thoughts may have occurred because you are a really good person and may not be used to putting yourself first. you were spiritually guided. Strongly, I'm listening. You may have had digestive system problems probably due to stress.

But hey, here we go again. You were guided to the best path, to choose what is good for you and also choose what is choosing you. You deserve to be the charitable person you are, to do that project that few believe in, to be your authentic truth. There is also a request to improve your spiritual protection, connect with your spirituality - more messages will arrive for you, good things. Take good care of yourself, don't be too alert, you are being taken care of, but also continue your journey of protecting yourself from what is bad for you, be it habits, people, spaces, etc. thank you very much. additional message - see you soon.

cards - 3 of pentacles, queen of cups rx, 9 of swords rx, 7 of wands rx, the lovers, the star.

---------------------------

pile 3 - hii pile number 3! did you thought about something good that happened, right? This could be someone who defended you or someone who defended you without you even realizing it, 'behind the curtains' kind of thing. Or maybe you might be thinking about a crush or something that gives you happiness and a feeling of completeness, like working on something to improve your self-esteem.

In other words, you may have thought of a certain good thing that happened to you. If this is your case, my pile number 3, is because you deserve it - you radiate completeness, friendship, truth to people, you don't hide your true face. with the card of the lovers, the star, the world in a single reading - it could also have been a gift from the universe, a Divine gift.

-- With the clarification with the Page of Wands card, this may have pushed you to continue, think about your future, create new ideas, open new horizons and prepare you for what comes next on your journey. If something good happened to you after a difficult time, it could also have been a form of... kind of 'justice', from the universe towards you, my pile number 3. a plan, there is.

Four of wands also, how beautiful! Really, if you thought of something good, it really is a celebration that occurred around you. Congratulations, my pile number 3!! You overcame something, achieved something important, even if you may not even realize what it is - but in some cases, yes, it is possible to realize what you did. right. This deserves a celebration, congratulations my pile number 3! Take good care of yourself, I hope this message resonated and was useful to you. thank youu

-------- ❤️

[enduringmoth]

thoughts on marvin's abuse, care's existence and paul's transness

taking a break from my usual bg3 posting to talk a little bit about my newer hyperfixation through the lens of queer allegory

necessary author's note: i am an afab transmasculine nonbinary person. obviously, while i do believe my transness does lend my opinion authenticity, at the same time, being trans myself does not mean i can't be transphobic -- so if any of the contents of this post set off alarm bells, please tell me.

trigger & content warnings: child abuse, kidnapping, torture, general petscop badness. obvious spoilers for petscop in its entirety, as well as references to the recent youtube deepdive by nexpo.

TL;DR -- perpetuating the idea that someone can force someone else to be a different gender than they are is harmful to trans people. however, all things involve considerable nuance. to pretend that marvin's actions could not have influenced paul's sense of self in the slightest discredits paul's lived experiences, and i believe a more trauma-informed dialogue about paul could be worth exploring as a community.

my preferred theory explaining petscop is that marvin tried to make care more like lina through abuse and "failed". after this, care would eventually end up in lina's home, and transition to paul.

(simply to make all of this less confusing, i'm going to call paul pretransition "care", though i will avoid pronouns. this is not me trying to invalidate paul, it's just so i don't have to keep saying "paul before he transitioned" or similar phrases.)

it is not a result of marvin's "failure" that care transitioned to paul. but i do believe there is a link between paul's perceptions of self and the trauma he endured pretransition -- and discussing these things gives us a deeper understanding of paul and his history.

obviously there is no "canon" answer to petscop. but im seeing this theory discussed a lot within the tags, and i personally agree with it -- i just feel some of those who are saying we cannot consider marvin's actions are not necessarily accurate, either.

what i am positing is that while marvin certainly did not make paul trans and i would never claim that he did, we understand that marvin's abuse of care -- his cruelty towards care, his warping of care's perception of appearance and self-worth -- is certainly a factor in how paul must see himself.

marvin's treatment of care was poor enough that paul struggles to recall that time of his life. he thinks they are different people -- and in a way, they certainly are (and i've seen DID theories for them which i also enjoy because of this) -- and has clearly repressed what it meant to be marvin's child.

marvin locked care in a basement for six months. that is no small amount of time, and it likely had no small amount of affect on paul. we can assume based on the implications of some school scenes that marvin was trying to convince care to be more like lina during this time. care escaped, and returned home -- though eventually, we know from belle's dialogue that paul would find his way to lina.

"do you remember the day you were born?"

paul's "birth" occurred after marvin's abuse, and though it was not a result of it, there is something almost poetic about following the thread of paul's life from care to his authentic self that plays as a foil to the heinous rebirthing practiced by marvin and rainer.

contrasted with what happened to belle (and seemingly others), paul chose (a form of) rebirth -- transition. marvin tried to make lina be reborn through care. instead, care resisted -- and he would eventually become paul, and that strikes me as so narratively compelling. it's not to spite marvin and please don't think i'm saying that, as care was naturally always paul -- it is simply self-discovery at its most raw and beautiful, and i love it.

the above is why i love petscop as a queer allegory. taking ownership of one's future and selfhood, even when others are trying to tell you who to be.

and that's why i think saying marvin made his afab child transition in rejection of martin's quest for lina -- or that marvin tried to make his amab child transition to care/lina, as nexpo posited -- is so wrong, and harmful.

yet, paul's trauma is real. it happened. and it's a part of him that should be able to be discussed for what it is.

as someone with extensive trauma history, i can tell you that my gender expression and personal identity are in some way connected to pieces of trauma, because those pieces are part of me. i am not trans because of my trauma, but my gender and my trauma are parts of me at the same time -- i am not each of my pieces, but a sum of my whole.

the point i'm trying to make here is that while i think nexpo genuinely missed the mark here with this whole "care never existed, marvin tried to make paul a girl" thing, i do think there needs to be room for a trauma-informed discussion around paul.

i hope that all made sense. if any of this is harmful/transphobic, please let me know. i genuinely love this game and i think it's so fascinating to discuss. /gen

[safesthavenoutsideofexistence]

Every single word I say they grip and latch onto it. I ooze paramount priority. My beauty’s divinely heavenly (chills). My beauty tangibly feels unrealistic. My beauty tangibly feels out of this world. Seeing my face tangibly feels out of this world. I’m tangibly unignorable. They never had a bitch like me. They never met a bitch like me. I’m the type they impulsively gets tattoos of. Everyone wants me. Even if they don’t say it they want me but they always inevitably unavoidably and eventually say it. I’m so unbelievably pretty. I’m clearly a bad bitch(chills profound and deep chills). It’s clearly about me winning here. They know I got powerful ass connections with celebrities. Everyone knows I have absolutely zero insecurities. I’m rightfully on the high horse. They know I’m unsurpassable royalty(chills). I got unmatched status and unmatched power. Everyone knows I’m incredibly self-aware and self-observed. Everyone knows I’m very self-knowledgeable. I’m more famous than Beyonce and Taylor swift combined. My inner world is in my favor. They cannot twist my energy in their favor especially when I don’t like them. They know being with me is the greatest fairytale. They know I’m not playing any games. Everyone is so unbelievably horny for me. I don’t even have any competition. My energy is so energetically powerful it can effectively humble them. Im the greatest craving. My energy is unsurpassably well presented. It’s clear I have absolutely everything I want and everything I need. I’m the greatest chase to them. They understand not having me in their future makes their life dreadfully bleak. They can’t even use anything else to fill that void that ONLY I CAN FILL like they’re physically, energetically, psychically and spiritually incapable🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️. They know having me is a plus to their reputation. They stay fighting for my attention. They’re fighting for a response. No one’s capable of putting a spell on me but i put spells on them. I AM PALPABLE AND TANGIBLE SEXUAL TENSION(chills). They want me to use them for my own pleasure. Nothing changes the fact everything i said about myself is true. Absolutely everything i see is never at my expense. Everything is bound to work in my favor. Everything is bound to satisfy me. Everyone is bound to satisfy me. Everyone and everyone is bound to put me at ease. Everyone is bound to agree with me. They instantly become irrelevant when i arrive. I got high female appeal. My aura is legendary. I’m so unbelievably fine it gives them chills(chills). They admire me they’re in love(chills). I never fail to take their breath away. I can wear a clown suit and still turn heads. I ooze the final boss no one can beat. I’m absolutely class. I’m tangibly and palpably intriguing. I look too clean everyone’s jaw drops when they look at me. They look at me suddenly they’re abouta risk it all. They admire me because I’m so unapologetically authentic. I’m unforgettably authentic. Im irreplaceably authentic. My authenticity hits the HARDEST. Their eyes widen when they see me. They can’t take their eyes off of me. They know i can have what i want. They know i can have who i want. My presence has a gravitational pull on their eyes. My beauty has this unsurpassable gravitational pull on their eyes. No matter what i do they forgive me no matter what i do they unconditionally love me no matter what i do they unconditionally favor me. No matter what i do they missing me. No matter how famous someone is it doesn’t change the fact I’m still far more immeasurably energetically powerful and undefeated. I’m always at the right place at the right time(chills). It’s always about me upgrading(chills). I got balls cause i go against the grain. They think im scorching cause i got the balls to go against the grain. The hardhitting energy i give off is unbelievably insane(chills). I only infinitely upgrade. They cannot alchemize anything i send to them into their favor. I’m the apex predator of monsters. Im too majestically jawdropping (HELLA CHILLS). Everything i want is instant aint shit gradual with me.

[nicromancytarot]

BEHIND THE CURTAINS OF KNOWING YOUR FUTURE SPOUSE

No one asked for this, but I wanted to see if anyone else has these issues and if so I wanted to let you know that you’re not alone! So hello and welcome to my beautiful literature podcast on things I’ve experienced since knowing who my future spouse is!

For a little context, my future spouse (based on right now and if things go to plan lmao) is an influencer, but they won’t be an influencer by the time we meet, I’ve known about this connection between us for a year now.

I don’t hate the fact that they’re going to be out of influencing by the time we are together, however I don’t like that they’re gonna leave me for hours a day, like what do you mean you have to actually go out and go to work while I’m sad and alone at home?

I personally feel as though it’s one of the most isolating experiences, I feel like I need to be loyal to them although they’re probably not being loyal to me. I feel weird thinking about other people, and I’ve rejected an amount of love offers since, I was in a situationship recently that I ended since I knew that me and this dude would only date to date, and not date to marry. I don’t think I ever want to subject someone to dating me while I know that I’m going to end up with someone else, like I can give times, names, dates, it’s insane. My friends don’t understand it as they think it’s stupid to devote myself to someone who I may not even end up with based on timing (I will, or I’ll die) however I feel I know that I want to end up with this person, so why would I want to ruin that?

Dating and marrying this person links heavily into my career decisions, I’m working on going into the music industry, it’s so stagnant as I don’t know where to go after writing music, like how do I produce this shit??? So if we don’t end up together, it means I haven’t made it in the industry as I hoped I would.

Even when they do stupid stuff online that I don’t agree with, I feel like I need to be there to support them, like they’ve been semi cancelled a few times in the last 2 years and I’ve stepped back, moved onto something else but then been like “oh damn, my monkeys, my circus 😔” WHICH IS SO???? It’s certainly frustrating, that’s the best way to explain it.

Luckily for me, this bro is lonely, ain’t got no one to share a bed with, waiting for me fr fr lmaooo. But I hate seeing people say stuff about them like “I ship them with X” or saying something inherently out of pocket about them, although I’ll never voice it, it makes me feel so territorial, and I don’t even have the right to do that right now!!

Again back with the influencing stuff, they have a persona, I feel worried because what if I’m only into the person they perform as for their audience, and not their authentic self? And what if they end up feeling the same?? I mean Im assuming not since we’re gonna get married, but still brotherrrr.

Watching their downfall sucks, I feel privileged to be able to check up on this person every now and then since they’re public, but based on our connection and the next 2 years, their career is only taking a downwards turn until they change their profession, and then by then they might hop offline forever and I’ll die until we meet! (I’m very dramatic)

Constantly doubting myself and looking for more confirmation, someone could slap it into my face and I’d still question the authenticity until we are married with 5 kids, 3 cats and a dog (I don’t want 5 kids actually, that was a lie)

I like watching edits of them on TikTok, that’s a pro.

Thank you for entertaining my 3am thoughts!!

[eirian]

yall ready for a gender journey post..

so yall could probably guess i grew up a cis girl. i didnt start questioning my gender until high school after i broke up with my first boyfriend which kind of freed me up to explore my identity as my own person for the first time. around age like 16 was when i first started identifying as trans, and at the time that meant a binary trans guy

after a couple years of getting comfortable exploring my gender i decided hey maybe im actually not a binary trans guy but instead nonbinary. still transmasc and guy leaning but not quite all the way anymore. this became a trend for the next loooong while, getting closer to the androgynous part of the spectrum as time went on

then in recent years (maybe about 5 years ago ish) i started to lean more towards femininity. this is significant for me because growing up i was always opposed to it--i hated wearing dresses, i hated putting on makeup, anything "girly" appalled me and i didnt know why. i ended up thinking its because i WASNT a girl, and thats why i was so uncomfortable with everything to do with being a girl. i rejected it so hard because it just wasnt me.

after living with eden for a while i got even more comfortable exploring the feminine part of myself. i started wearing dresses and skirts and actually ENJOYED it; i started painting my nails and wearing earrings again; i even grew my hair out to my shoulderblades (yeah thats where its at now LOL). ive even started using she/her alongside they/them. and im actually enjoying these things??? it feels like after all these years im finally able to reclaim them because i feel like im finally able to be comfortable with my gender--how my gender feels to ME, not to everyone else.

that was the problem when i was growing up--i was trapped in everyone else's perception of my gender and what it "should" be. i was trapped into a box that was made by everyone else's idea of what i SHOULD look like, what i SHOULD wear, what i SHOULD act like, etc. and it took me until age 26 to fully realize that my gender is what i want it to be, not what everyone else wants.

i dont have to be a guy to want facial hair and a flat chest and a low voice. loving pink and dresses and cute things and makeup and jewelry doesnt inherently mean im a girl. pronouns, features, clothes, even names dont inherently mean youre one gender or another. your gender is defined by you and only you and nobody should be able to put you into a box and define your gender for you.

..having said all this, im starting to explore my gender further, and im slowly coming to the POSSIBLE conclusion that i might come back around to being cis (albeit gnc). nothing would really change about me except the label tbh. if i do end up coming to that conclusion i will be very bummed about leaving the trans community, but i wont feel any less attached to it, as ive spent literally half my life as part of it. i understand what its like to be trans and to love myself as my most authentic self, and thats why im considering this possiblity!

identifying as a lesbian kind of pushed me in this direction as well--i cant remember the last time i felt truly comfortable and happy with a label regarding my orientation.. like ya damn. maybe i am a girl who likes girls LOL. it just feels right and natural for me personally??? its crazy. i love women. if youre a woman i love you no matter the flavor. i love my wife more than all of you though sorry <3

but god please dont take this as me being like "oh trans people just need to get comfortable with their gender and theyll realize theyre cis" that is a bullshit take and i am not saying that. this is strictly my own experience and journey! i am 100% not speaking for every trans person and you shouldnt either.

but ya. dan cis era???? we'll see. no official statement just yet but i just wanted to let yall know where im at in my ~gender journey~. until i confirm anything please still view me as a nonbinary girlthing! <3

[redraine57]

I love my partner and I also understand his imperfections. I understand his deep-rooted fears and why he’s driven to self sabotage instead of doing what’s best for him. I don’t personalize his irrationality however I will say it is frustrating at times to withhold my investment and affections because I know he’s incapable at the moment to meet me halfway and/or reciprocate. I will be patient as I know Im not perfect myself but I do wish he had the courage to live in his authenticity. Trauma and broken attachment styles are so difficult to overcome but I hope as each day passes we heal and form a love that’s stronger and deeper than both of us has ever felt. Im ready *enough* for one of the greatest tests in my life and all I can hope for is the efforts that show me despite his fears he’s ready *enough* too

[floreuce]

this is going to be a weird post mutuals look away i just really need an answer on something and am too embarrassed to ask anywhere else 😭 sorry this is so long.

i have a very complicated relationship with religion. as much as i would love to believe it, my brain just refuses to let me. i’m not opposed to believing in something if my mind does change someday, but as for right now, i just can’t. the only strong beliefs i hold are superstitions like luck and gut instincts and all that, leading me to do research into pagan stuff because it’s the only thing i even sort of find myself believing in.

i’ve always felt a strong pull to hellenic polytheism, and while i guess i do sort of “practice” it, i also just believe that everything i’m doing is for fun and just because i can. i don’t think i truly believe any of it is real. a few years ago, i had two little altars, one to hera and one to persephone. i truly did view these purely as room decor. i wrote little notes that i would give as “offerings” to the altars but it was just a game to me. i stopped after a while because i got bored.

which brings me to the present. i recently started feeling a “connection” to aphrodite if you can even call it that. i randomly started thinking about religion again and aphrodite just stood out to me all of a sudden. for the past few weeks i’ve been “praying” to her but still i viewed even that as just talking to myself or organizing my thoughts. then about a week ago i was in the middle of cleaning my room and i noticed i had a lot of aphrodite-like items. seashells, fake (fake is important) pearls, heart shaped things, dried roses, etc. i had a free spot on my shelf so i put all the stuff together to make a little aphrodite altar. i had a heart shaped jewelry dish that i put at the center in case i ever wanted to put any offerings but i didn’t think i was going to.

then today, maybe two or three hours ago, i was tidying up again and i absentmindedly placed two things on the offering dish. the first was a bracelet from an ex boyfriend that i had had in my main jewelry box and didn’t want there anymore. the second was a five leaf clover (i have a million of them because i’m crazy good at finding them but that’s an entirely different story) because i thought it was cute and lucky. i didn’t think anything of these items, i barely considered them offerings. up until this point all of this was still just for fun. after i finished cleaning, i took a shower. i feel like it’s also worth noting that this was an extreme everything shower like i was really spoiling myself. i read somewhere that acts of self care can also be seen as offerings to aphrodite but that wasn’t my intention.

so finally here’s the reason i’m making this post. i need help. after my shower i was sitting on my bedroom floor brushing my hair. i wasn’t near anything else, it was just me and my hairbrush and open space around me. as i’m finishing braiding my hair, i brush a stray piece to the side with my hand and onto the floor rolls a pearl. a real genuine pearl. it came out of my hair ???? i literally don’t own any real pearl jewelry, and even if i did this pearl couldn’t have come from it because it doesn’t have a hole, it’s not a bead. genuinely how did a real authentic pearl get into my hair. im completely at a loss for words. i feel like it might have been from aphrodite???? i can’t see any other logical explanation. which is what im looking for, a logical explanation. please help me make sense of this 😭🙏🙏

[taptrial2]

i've had to put together this whole theatrical show of being simultaneously very put together and just helpless enough to be deserving of sympathy and outreach. i have a folder and notes prepared, yes. but i won't share all of my notes or thoughts because the staffer will be too impressed with my capability and assume i have myself handled and don't need them. i can't show up unprepared or be too vague because then it will be assumed i am completely incapable and thus unable to handle myself (stuff like scheduling and driving comes to mind).

if i explain thought processes or trauma responses in too much detail, the other person's eyes glaze over and they don't listen to me or absorb any of the information i'm giving them. if i don't say enough, they'll think it's not a big deal and safely ignorable. finding the right amount of information to disclose and when is an ongoing battle.

if i talk about my narrow interests, i might very well get caught up in a diatribe about them and the other person is already tuning me out by sentence 3, so i can't really do that. and cartoons are all i want to talk about. so it gets exhausting FAST trying to socialize about anything other than art supplies and the animation industry and the horrors of capitalism and it makes me want to SCREAM but if i'm my authentic self i will find exactly 0 other people i am compatible with because my interests are so narrow and intense. even if someone is patient with me about them it is very rarely a reciprocal relationship. i have trouble taking interest in other people's interests and it makes me feel like an asshole

its so much easier to go "ha ha im a bit of a homebody ^_^" instead of explaining Why being out in public is so stressful. and even if i DO explain, the explanation is so alien to a neurotypical person that it changes nothing except how they see me (which is more odd than they thought at first).

like, i would love to just be my full autistic self but there are societal and interpersonal challenges that prevent me from doing so without wanting to kill myself. just ask middle school me when i was being my full authentic self and all it did was drive other people away and make me want to kill myself. 👍

[astroheauxxxxx]

ASTROLOGY OBSERVATIONS

• DISCLAIMER: this is my first Astrology observation post. The way I like to make sense of astrology is through myself (this could because of my 1st house stellium lol) and also others around me. Being this is my first post I would like to examine my own chart and how it applies to my life to help it make sense to some of you. Feel free to ask questions in the comments about your own chart.

Let’s start with my big six:

Rising Gemini ♊️ 13 degree (Aries ♈️ degree)-

- I come off very chatty especially since I have Gemini’s ruler Mercury in the first house as well in Gemini. Extremely chatty. Ever since a child I used to take trips (also ruled by Gemini short ones tho) and talk to people next to me on the plane the whole flight. My favorite thing to do in social settings is converse.

- I also always look like I’m in deep thought, analyzing or trying to take in new information. Cuz I am HAHA. No cocky-ish I look really smart or rather nerdy. Always. I wear glasses so that doesn’t help either lmao.

Sun cancer ♋️ 7 degree (libra ♎️ degree) in 2H- (earned money and resources and what we value )

- no cocky-ish I have a soft pretty aura😂🥰. Very serene and balanced. I generally tend to bring balance and peace to people. When I’m not an emotional mess haha. People tend to value this about me maybe cuz it’s in my 2nd house. This is what I have to offer people or why people find me resourceful

Moon cancer ♋️ 2 degree (Taurus ♉️ degree) in 1H- (house of rising, self, identity, personality)

- I definitely am an emotional person, I am the stereotypical cancer, Im an empath, I feel my emotions and others emotions at a great magnitude. It also bring me comfort(♉️) to help others heal emotionally and nurture them. I also have an emotional relationship with food(♉️) not to the point where I over eat but to the point where I sometimes don’t eat enough. I also am a psychic and moon child. I have a business where I do readings. It hasn’t popped off yet but I’m supposed to be earning money from my intuition, nurturing and feminine healing abilities. I am naturally an empath and Clairsentient and clairempathetic because of my cancer placements but specifically my moon because it’s in its home sign and in my house of rising so you can also say I have a moon rising/ cancer rising even though my rising is Gemini ♊️.

Mercury Gemini ♊️ 29 degree (Leo ♌️ degree) 1H-

- i am a very intelligent, intellectual, yet anxious individual. I’m always processing and wanting to take in new information so that I can simplify it or summarize to people and share my message. When talking about something I’m truly knowledgeable about something I speak confidently about it (♌️). Only when truly angry or provoked do I yell or roar and I sound crazy as hell lmao. I also have my 3H of communication ruled by Leo so this is definitely prominent. I also can sing. I can roar with my voice but I can’t hit the highest of notes. I also noticed that the more I become my true authentic self my voice gets better and I’m able to communicate better.

Venus Gemini ♊️ 23 degree (Aquarius ♒️ degree) 1H-

- boy oh boy where do I start with this placement. So let’s start with the fact that I’m an intellectual lover. I need mental stimulation, and communication on a daily basis in order to stay in love with someone. I have accepted it. It doesn’t mean reading books or whatever necessarily. I think for me because it’s to an Aquarius ♒️ degree I enjoy talking about the abstract concepts of the world like the universe, the system, law, society, etc. (♒️)

-this placement also manifests for me as being polyamorous. I don’t want to be with everyone in the world but I am bisexual, and I want to have a bf and gf. Call me crazy i don’t even care lmaoo. I’ve already began to explore this dynamic and the only way it works is if it’s centered around me and that because it’s in my first house of self. I must be the center of the trio or it won’t work.

- I also just think about love a lot in general on a daily basis because of this placement. I fantasize about romance, abundance and luxury constantly because I am a venusian. I also have both my cancer sun and moon to venus degrees. So my emotions and love are always in kahoots with each other. There’s no separation.

Mars pisces ♓️ 4 degree (cancer ♋️ degree) 10H (career, reputation, how you come of publicly) -

- even tho mars is exalted in the 10H, it being in pisces basically dead’s that sh*t. I am the most passive aggressive mf ever. I’m not gon yell, or fight you physically at all. Cuz ima softie. I avoid confrontation and arguments. If I’m mad imma walk away (maybe cuz Pisces ♓️ rules feet lmao). I just don’t have no fire in me. And it’s to a cancer degree so forget it, I cry when I’m angry.

-on the positive side Mars in the 10H make me extremely ambitious. When I’m passionate about something I go after it without hesitation. I dominate and f**k that sh*t up. With it being in pisces, it’s spirituality and healing other people for me. Awakening the collective from their subconscious sleep. This is something I’m trying to build a career out of right now.

Honorable mention: Saturn cancer ♋️ 3 degree (Gemini ♊️ degree) 1H-

- constantly trying to control my emotions(♋️), and get a hold on how much I care about others and empathize with others. Always feel like there’s a hold on my emotions and I’m always too hard on myself (1H) about how emotional I am. My karmic lesson in this life is to learn how to authentically feel my emotions and to nurture myself. Mother myself.

- I also struggle (Saturn) to explain or communicate (Gemini ♊️) my emotions at times. I choke up, literally cannot speak, get that painful ball in my throat.

[idealspawn]

hey..... i must say. this has been the best week of my life. and im filled with utter joy. ive had like a.. rebirth? every once in a while i feel like im born again. the transition is really emotional but they are moreso growing pains than destructive pains. im suddenly surrounded by so many great people and possibilities and i finally feel like life is rewarding me, treating me the way i should be treated. in a way im reluctant to owe it to "faith" and see myself as a passive subject rather than an active agent in this but in a way i think i am powerless in some factors regarding this change. next month its my debut in like a culture (?) newspaper! at least they said they are very interested in my analysis but i havent heard back yet about the second version i sent them. i wrote my favourite poem ive ever written. and ive seen so many movies recently that have served as this transitional border. like as this extremely active sphere of both "death" but also birth. like metaphorically. ive been so vulnerable and i love it. ive cried my eyes out like i havent in such a long time and done like... meta analyses about my underlying beliefs to bring change and new energy into my life. you see.. i get really stuck on like.. nominal labels. at first they describe me but it tends to go unnoticed when it no longer fits or serves me and im only living a certain way just because of this nominal structure. but all these nominal structures are made for us. not that we are made to fit them. ive re-evaluated things now.. also out of nowhere people have been reaching out to me. maybe it truly does show up in my energy when im more open. like that it attracts other open, honest, vulnerable people. ive met so many new people and truly felt seen. this is a big thing for me. for the longest time ive struggled to enjoy time with people because ive struggled to find people who i share some kinds of values. i like diverse people but for example people who are open to explore communication on an emotional and relational level rather than only informational. thats important to me. ive been more confident in sharing my opinions too:) and participating in class and in life. going to places where i know id feel a bit uncomfortable and end up surprised. going to places alone is massive for me. it opens me up to new people and experiences because i simply dont have a choice to close myself off with friends im already close with. a woman came to talk to me after a lecture. she said she had been watching how i take notes in class (i write really fast.. i tend to transcribe literally everything the professor says). she said she has studied palaeography and asked to see my notes to analyse my handwriting :) she said its very unusual for people to still write in cursive if they write with the pen very much pointed upwards, however i manage to do so :D. it really made me want to also just reach out to people... like whenever and for whatever reason. and ive noticed people actually like talking to you when youre authentic and awkward. ive restricted my communication with people SO MUCH only due to the fact that i feel like i might not be insanely flawless in my self-expression. the nature too. the season is such that i see birth and death all around me. and its very refreshing. i like seeing change and being reminded of it constantly. it feels liberating. its a season that many people dislike in my country but im in love. i love people. i love physical touch. i love eye contact. i love emotions. i love ideas. i love agency in breaking boundaries. i love feeling seen and important and useful. i love authenticity and vulnerability.

[bellacatt-art]

Right, okay so.... I watched Day of the Doctor for the first time ever (yes, I'm quite new to Doctor Who and I never really got to watch this special all the way through until now BUT - )

I'm gonna start rambling for a bit, so really sorry about that but OHH MY GOD I LOVED IT SM!!!! >.< Imo, considering it was a 50th anniversary special, it really delivered on that, it was so entertaining and fun! I loved all the little jokes, the fun references and the expansion on the Time War, it was just *chefs kiss* :3

I loved the War Doctor too, he was really intriguing to me!

I remember before I watched this, I never fully knew why he wasn't counted with the other doctors (yk, like how we have Third Doctor, Eighth Doctor, etc), but I get it now, I understand 😅👍

It was also really sad how the Doctor sort of distanced themself from that regeneration because they hated being reminded of the Time War, like that was really sad ngl :"(

Again, I'm not like majorly attached to War Doctor because we don't have much material to go off tbh, but I still like him a lot, he's a cool guy!

And OMFG THE FRIENDSHIP DYNAMIC BETWEEN TEN AND ELEVEN, I QKDNWJDJSJND 😆😭💗

They're so silly, I loved watching these two interact with each other!! 🤧💞

David Tennant and Matt Smith are so funny together, I genuinely wish we could've gotten more of them two together, like at least another special or mini episode with them two, I would've loved that! 🥺

And okay, PLEASE JUST,,, LET ME RAMBLE ABOUT THIS BC IM SO NOT NORMAL LIKE OMFG 😭😭🤧🤧

When the Doctor's came back to save Gallifrey, I qksnwndnqkdnjs 😆

Like, I already love any sort of multi-Doctor story where they get to meet each other, but when they ALL LINED UP, I 🥺💞💞

Idk idk man, it made my autistic brain very happy for some reason, like okay this is gonna sound weird but like

They were all lined up in EXACTLY the order I would've put them in if I could've lined them up myself!! idk why but the order they stood in?? It made me so stupidly happy 😭🤧

And aaaaa, the Four cameo at the end??? Hello??? That was adorable!! 🤧🥺

I'm sorry, but Four and Eleven are two of my favourite Doctors and them just talking together made me so happy ☆☆

I have a lot of respect for Tom Baker, he's done so much for the DW community, and I love him a lot ^^

Eeeee okay!! That's the end of my huge ramble!

Sorry about that, it probably WILL happen again! >:3

Ik this episode came out a decade ago now so it's probably old news or smth, but I just needed to ramble! I'm autistic and I love a good ramble hehehe :))

I knew I was going to love Day of the Doctor already but I didn't predict I would love it *that* much like omgg 🥲 my mum was sat on the couch next to me when I was watching it (she was doing her work at the time) and I kept going "OH MY GOD, MUM!! LOOK AT THIS!!" :D

Like, idk I just love finding joy in things and expressing my true authentic self, I love it I love it!!

Anyways, if anyone's seen Day Of The Doctor, please tell me your thoughts! Feel free to comment and tell me, like I'm genuinely curious, and I'm always up for a discussion about things I like!!

Okay, that's the end of Bella's rant of the day! ^-^

[my-castles-crumbling]

hi hello HELP.

can i like rant in yr inbox for like two seconds?

if not that’s cool but ummm if it is 👇

RANT:

ok so i was raised very christian and i was a very good christian kid, who some people called fucking appointed and shit…and like now i’m seriously doubting my faith and i don’t know what to do? because i also know im very VERY bi and that’s not allowed…it’s just weird yknow? being told all these great things about myself and then being told i’m an abomination for even entertaining the notion that i might be bi? you get turned on so fucking quickly and i’m just…i’ve got no one who understands in my corner and im just tired man. i’m so fucking tired…

(ignore this if you want, i just am one of your mutuals and see you as like a comfort person)

Hi!!! <3

Ahhhhhhh, religion.

I am SO SORRY that people are making you feel this way. You are doing NOTHING wrong, and there is NOTHING wrong with you. It's so horrible that people are saying those things to you.

Here's the thing: it is absolutely possible to be both queer and religious. There are plenty of churches out there who accept queer people. I say this not to convince you to stay religious but to say that you can be both! If your faith is important to you, it is still a hundred percent possible to be your authentic self and love who you love without choosing.

However, it seems like some people in your life believe otherwise. But you are not alone, and there is nothing wrong with you. Please know that there are SO many people who are in your corner and who understand. I'm always here if you need to talk.

[nightfallsystem]

Hey, I’m a transgender adult who, despite a lifetime of dysphoria and self-hatred, didn’t realise I wasn’t cis until I was in my late twenties, and then stayed in the closet for another eight years because what if I lost my husband, what if I lost my friends, what if I lost my job, what if someone threw acid in my face…

I had a mental breakdown because it was all too much but I’m still here now just a few months from my 38th birthday. My (formerly cishet) husband has stayed with me every step of the way, he tells people he’s in love with my soul so it doesn’t matter what I look like or call myself, and that two people who love each other transcends gender or labels. He proudly calls me his husband now and would defend me with his dying breath.

My family have welcomed me with open arms, my brothers just laughed and said I had always been the most macho sibling anyway, my Mum marches in her local Pride parade and knits me trans flag sweaters.

My friends say they love me even more now because I’m really me and I’m happy all the time, they don’t have to worry about me anymore and that watching me blossom and thrive has been a beautiful experience.

My work added gender neutral bathrooms and fought with HR to allow me to change my name before I had the official documentation. I work with children with learning disabilities and they have adjusted to my new name and pronouns in a way which is truly humbling, and will defend the fact that I’m ‘not a girl’ to anyone who suggests otherwise. A six year old told me that he’s going to be “a big strong man” like me one day- I’m 5’3 and weigh 130lbs. Two kids at school have come out as queer.

I don’t pass as anything, at all, but nobody who knows me has ever used the wrong pronouns or name, and has happily included me as one of the boys in everything I do- including letting me use the mens changing rooms on swimming days and inviting me to pool night and beers. Coming out has shown me that people are okay, people will care and will stand up for you.

I don’t want to take hormones for various reasons but my husband and my mum are helping me save for top surgery, which I should be able to access in a few years, and I have a strong network of supportive queer friends.

Things are tough, life fucking sucks right now, it feels like the whole world is going to shit. But if you survive, if you persevere, if you live life as your authentic self, the only thing you’ll lose is stuff that didn’t benefit you anyway. It’s cheesy to say “it gets better” but I promise, it does. Fighting all the time is hard, but it’s worth it, and you will get to a place where the suffering seems far away.

I am ALWAYS here if you need someone to talk to, feel free to message me any time. Hang in there, friend, I’m rooting for you even if it feels like no-one else is.

Love,

Arthur Xx

THIS MEANS A LOT TO ME. THANK YOU SO SO MUCH. i love hearing your story it really gives me hope,, id say more but im really tired,, but THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART.