#im angry and upset to say its dangerous for me to do anything about it.

[xamaxenta]

Stresses me out alot that i cant physically bind anymore idk what happened in the last few years but any kind of compression hurts and it sucks it was the only thing i could do now i cant even do that

[carpedzem]

hi

under the cut i want to talk a little bit, maybe overshare as well. ill try to keep it short (rereading nat here. i didnt). its a sad post, might make some of you angry but not for the reasons you think

i was staying away on purpose, but a few people asked about me so i wanted to let you know that hey, im lurking, im waiting to see what happens. maybe some things will change in the future but im putting it out here so its all in one place

i think i want to start with saying thank you again for sticking around, supporting my art and my thoughts and having discussions with me. i really opened up about myself and what I created here. im very anxious person and it influences my life on every level, so being heard, seeing people laughing at my jokes, loving my art has been so so important to me

about the situation, the gogcident if you will, i logged out as soon as i saw things going down and been getting updates though different source. and while situation is still on going and i dont know where it will go, as how it ends, theres two or three things im firm on that will always be true for me:

i really hate how believe all victims turns into believe everyone who speaks first, no matter what they say, no matter context, no matter proof. the first statement made in this case was untrue in a lot of important details and while i dont think caitis feeling are wrong or invalid i think her first statement made this situation into something it isnt. i think every victim should be heard but attacking everyone who was accused right away is not a solution

i do believe that everyone who was accused of anything has every right to defend themselves. the way its constantly taken away from dteam is not lost on me and its insane and upsetting

you can be traumatized by the events that werent in its core meant to be traumatizing. sometimes people act shitty and leave scars on you and sometimes you can do the same to other people

edited note bc i want this to be here as well: guilty until proven innocent is a crazy mindset and i cannot imagine situation that i would allow it. some idiots dont even realise how dangerous rhetoric that is. including accusers not being obligated to provide any proof of their claims

twt is the worst thing to deal with any discourse, misunderstanding or any delicate situation. i think no ones there cares for any victims period. i wish that place the worst

okay so what now. i havent decided yet. georges and dreams moves so far confirmed for me that no matter what happened it wasnt with malicious intentions. ill wait to see how this plays out and then ill decide about my next steps. one think i did for sure is i uninstalled twt from my phone (and that already bit my ass the moment dream started his space…) that part of fandom, both people who like (liked?) and hate dream is so damn self-destructive, toxic, manipulative and performative it wasnt worth it anymore. for here, i dont know yet. i dont hate dteam, i think this is very unfortunate and sad and complicated situation that left people very deeply hurt. and i wish it wasnt this way and im pretty sure dteam also wish that. but they cant change it and i cant change it even more

now this is something i dont really know how to tell you but let me try. i never mentioned this bc when i had those realizations, it was too late, everyone moved on and i felt stupid for dwelling on this. i feel stupid now, typing this. the thing is, drituation left me quite traumatized. fucking pathetic, i know. the sudden explosion of fandom left me really badly hurt. i lost a lot of people i genuinely believed to be friends with, and i miss them dearly. i felt, fuck it, still feel deeply betrayed by some of them. i dont want people guess who is who thats not the point, those people moved on long time ago. but that hurt has been really difficult to deal with, especially since realistically i know its quite stupid. crying over some people who were following me back for a few months? but i tried to let myself heal and grow love for this community again and i thought we will be okay. drituation felt like the end of the world but we got through it and I thought we are smarter. and well. im not trying to blame anyone or even a whole community, idk maybe i want to blame the universe for putting me here or society for working this way i dont know. but im hurting and i need to find a better way to deal with things going the wrong way. and it deeply upsets me but im afraid that i have to learn how to love you all less. and i honestly dont know yet what that means, how moving forward will look like. i dont have to make this decision now so i let myself stay away from social media for a while still and then go with presented situation the best i can. i dont try to make anyone responsible for my wellbeing i want to make this clear. im just trying to share my feelings and give you context for whatever happen in the nearest future. no matter what i need more healthy relationship not even with ccs but with community itself (and if you see me rebloging hazbin hotel fanarts. spare me...)

in this place i do want to state that no matter what i dont think dteam are bad people. im not closing myself at possibility of participating in the fandom, probably less though things i mentioned earlier. but if any of those things make you uncomfortable in any way, feel free to unfollow/softblock

im leaving my askbox open if anyone has anything to say, add, or idk, scream at me. not sure if i answer any tho. also if i delete this post in the next 10 minutes out of embarrassment then well, haha

on the final note i want once again thank you all for supporting me when i needed help for my cat. you all did something amazing, something i will never forget and i wish to hug everyone of you in person. thank you

see you around. one day. maybe tomorrow maybe in 10 days. idk

and if you are moving on in different direction, if we ever meet again, dont be a stranger

[nameofbeinghcnest]

twitter is really pissing me off with this. ( / wilbur soot , abuse )

love dream, hate dream, i don't care. you can think he's a terrible person, think he did terrible things WHILE ALSO acknowledging how well-spoken and important it was for him to say something. all of these stupid "he's doing it to save face!" or "this is an insane PR tactic" or even the "this is dangerous!!!" are actually so insensitive and to be quite honest makes you side with abusers!

dream is a victim of domestic violence and has been public about this for YEARS - it is so incredibly important that he spoke out in support of shelby while ALSO condemning wilbur's actions as a victim of domestic abuse to show solidarity, from one victim to another. to show that he KNOWS what it's like, he knows the behaviors and the tactics. he saw them in wilbur's bullshit "apology".

dream even says in his statement how encouraging it was to see, as a victim himself, that people were speaking out in support of shelby. how this was going to raise awareness to see the signs, to help encourage more people to speak out and not fear their abuser or just to be able to stand up for anyone who decides to speak out about it. to go on and completely diminish his words by saying "don't let this fool you!" is actually really gross. diminishing another victim's voice is gross. nobody said you had to like him for speaking up. did he have to? no. did anyone have to? also no! don't know why we're so upset and angry about having more uplifting voices, more support. we should be focusing on supporting shelby, not using another victim's message of support to shit on other people and bring external situations into this. it's gross and draws the attention away from the matter at hand, which is what the abuser tried to do in the first place.

since im here (probably won't be back to waffle until the tubbathon starts lol) i just wanted to point out the parts that really stuck out to me from his response because even though i don't really care for him anymore, i do think his support/condemnation has been the best worded so far.

"she had a reason to be afraid to say your name, but you shouldn't have been afraid to say hers"

i got actual chills from that one because FUCK it's so true. it bothered me so bad that wilbur was so vague about it almost as if he could AVOID it if he never attached her name to it. idk if theres really any legal stuff behind it or what not but other than that he had zero consequences for naming her directly. zero consequences for giving her a direct apology. his "apology" didn't even sound like it was TO HER. he isn't sorry, he obviously doesn't know what he has to be sorry for if he's too much of a pussy to address her directly.

"thank you for being brave"

it is so so important that he described her as such because not only does it continue to uplift her and encourage her to stay strong and continue to be brave, but it shows that speaking out against any form of abuse no matter what it is is BRAVE. it's admirable and hopefully sends encouragement to anyone else who reads it that speaking out against it is brave. point blank period. (and honestly everything in his apology to shelby was so incredibly well-worded - its really the fucking fact that dream who had no involvement whatsoever could apologize but wilbur didn't even know what he was supposed to apologize for lol.)

i've said this before, and i'll say it again. all of my love and support goes out to shelby. i am so incredibly inspired and proud of her for being able to stand up for herself, to speak out against someone even if they had a larger platform and raise awareness to the signs and pieces of shit within the community so we don't continue to support and platform dangerous people. i've watched shelby for such a long time, she was such an important part of my childhood and it actually breaks my heart that someone could even THINK of doing anything like that to her because she is such a fucking light and fuck ANYONE who would do anything to try and put that out. i wish her nothing but the best and all of the healing in the world because she deserves it so so much. my heart goes out to any and all other victims of wilbur, as well.

[genderkoolaid]

“You can set that boundary and say you don't want anyone who identifies as a woman to interact with you. That's your right. But multigender people aren't gonna trust you & are gonna see you as exorsexist or at least have exorsexist ways of thinking that make you unsafe for us to be around” hey man! Maybe not trusting someone who sets boundaries about their relationship is….. bad? Demanding someone have no boundaries about who interacts with their (especially sexual) content and demanding that people allow people who they are uncomfortable with to be alright with interactions! Yikes!

Also can I control who’s attracted to me? No. But I can choose to not act on it, if someone says men dni, men dni, swag. I simply respect relationships. Im not saying boygirls/girl boys/genderfucks are weird, they fuck, some of my best friends are gender fuckers, I’m saying it’s weird to explicitly identify as a woman and then get angry when people who don’t enjoy women interacting with their content…. Get….. angry? At them for setting that boundary.

sigh. okay

Your obsession with our womanhood is misandrogyny. Multigender people aren't infecting any communities, we aren't leeching in womanhood to gay spaces or manhood to lesbian spaces we aren't opening doors to cishet predators, and us interacting with your posts as gay men is not infecting you with our girl cooties. I'm not saying you don't have real trauma but your focus on how some gay men are women is a focus on how our androgyny and how unnerving and dangerous it is to binary identity.

On top of that: the focus on our womanhood when we are discussing our identities gay men means you are assuming that womanhood is a dominant identity, one stronger than our manhood, because its the part of our androgyny which unnerves you the most, which means its our dominant feature. When it comes to being a gay man, everyone sees me as a woman, but when I'm a lesbian suddenly I'm the most man ever, depending on which one offends monogender/binary people the most. If a multigender person is interacting with your post because they relate to it as a gay man, why are you focusing on their womanhood so hard, regardless of if you even know how their womanhood impacts their sexuality and manhood? All you need to know about multigender gay men, in this context, is that they are gay men in gay men's space. Its not weird to explicitly identify as a gay man and then get angry when people invalidate your identity as a gay man because you are also a woman, because they don't want to question why they think those things are incompatible. Why is it so concerning to you that some gay men are women? Why does their gender specifics matter to you at all? Why do you feel like its such an affront in the first place? That's the exorsexism. That's why multigender people wouldn't fucking trust you. Emotions aren't apolitical or except from critical reflection & I'm saying you ought to reflect on why you have this wariness towards multigender people in the first place instead of unquestioningly following it.

Lets pretend to be a transphobic gay man for a minute. "I don't want trans men interacting with my posts. I just don't want to have to see vaginas in gay men's space. Its not transphobic to set boundaries. Why are you getting upset with me? You just want to force me to have sex with vaginas, that's homophobic. I have the right to loudly tell trans men I don't want them to have anything to do with me because I think they all vaginas, all want to fuck me, and I find that disgusting. I respect trans men, I just think that letting them in gay men's spaces is opening the door to trying to force gay men to have sex with women!" Do you seriously not see the similarities?

Look I've had two different anons now talk to me about how much they love & support genderweird people, buuuut they just make life so hard for me because they talk about their identity and want to be respected and partake in their communities :( I promise I support you guys I just would like you to shape your lives around my internalized transphobia. I mean you literally said "I love gender fuckers, my best friends a gender fucker"

I really, truthfully, honestly hope you realize how fucked it is that you've now made me, someone who literally brought up the emotional trauma this kind of exorsexism has had on me and my sexuality, put all of this energy into explaining this and defending us.

[doctor-says-im-alright]

Ive been wondering lately if I really do have bipolar with psychotic features or if I have schizoaffective. Idk why the idea of bipolar though is so offensive to me lol. I think its because I never really feel grandiose and thats just an unfair part of the bargain.

The main difference I found is psychosis symptoms outside of mood episodes. Ive been trying to figure that out, but as my moods are really long, Im not sure. I was thinking maybe that is true because this year I seem to launch into paranoia in a single afternoon instead of over months. But thats associated with a stressed mood, not anything neutral? Idk. My paranoia is generally after Ive become fully stressed, but honestly, it is possible I have delusions constantly. How do you even know? I know I have OCD but I am so fixated on death that it might be more delusional than just OCD - like I do have rituals but its mainly just stressful thoughts that Im being haunted and the proof was a dead bug.

But the past week I noticed I shifted into a different phase. Im suddenly energetic or agitated. Like laughing hysterically, talking a lot, becoming really upset or angry, sad, overwhelmed, and constantly unreasonably scared. Everything is a threat. I seem to be really focused on fires happening for some reason. I am sleeping way more than normal, actually my sleep is suddenly really stressful. I dont go to sleep unless I take meds but thats normal for me, but now I cant get up. Ill wake up and its like Im magnetised to the bed and am stuck for awhile until I actually wake up. I sleep 12-14 hours but when I look at my Fitbit data its somehow only 5-6 hours in that time Im asleep. I know it, too. Its like Im not asleep and am in my room but dreaming in it. I didnt even realize I was so upset about this until I saw a post by someone talking about training their service dog to wake them up properly and asking how to do it and I could cry with the relief if I could figure out something mine could do to help me with it.

I generally always get told Im too self aware to have any psychosis issues and I think Im good at sounding self aware but Im actually not at all. I have no idea what Im thinking or feeling, Im guessing based on any knee jerk things that may have come out. Like last year I was in the psych ward for paranoia, but I hadnt even noticed or was able to communicate, but can see it now, that I was actually in danger of attacking people because I believed they were going to kill me first, and that had been my motivation to go in. And it wasnt even the person I said I was paranoid of.

I cant even figure out if my hand hurts or not. I have no idea what Im thinking or feeling. I know Im jumpy and on level 100 of agitation. I just suddenly start crying, Im overwhelmed with proofs of life and death. If someone tells me a joke I literally cry laughing. My words are mixing up and I feel like I cant say anything. I read things Ive written and even Im like what?? What does that even say. I know I am having PTSD symptoms - thats a given with me. I know for months Ive been hyperfocused on it, its been a source of anger outbursts.

Like for some reason the thought of romance or sex or any relationship sends me into a flying rage. My dog licking my other dog disturbs me so deeply I immediately lose it and have to run outside or throw something. People talking about love and needing people makes me feel so revolted. Ive been half dating someone and they mentioned kissing and Im ready to set myself and everyone else on fire. I cant stand the thought of desire and needing someone and craving them it is disturbing and I want to be sick thinking about it. But Im not normally like this at all. Not at all.

I am asexual and aromantic and my friend keeps making sex jokes and referencing my being asexual and I swear to god Im going to throw up on him or hit him with a wooden spoon. Havent decided yet.

[hermanunworthy]

!DNDADS S2 EP37 SPOILERS!

im a bit late bc i was at work all day but time for ep37 reactions!! i cant believe its already here

- now ive heard everyone talking about the intro i bet its gonna be a rickroll or some shit

- ITS FUCKINF ALL STAR. I KNEW THEY WOULD PULL SOMETHING LIKE THIS

- A TEENAGE GIRLS PARENT JUST GOT SHOT AND KILLED AND UR PLAYING ALL STAR.

- hermie mention in the intro im so calm and cool and chill about this /j

- "ur enough as u are" AINT NO WAY UR ABOUT TO MAKE ME START CRYING OVER A PARODY OF SMASH MOUTHS ALL STAR. WHY DID U HAVE TO PULL OUT THE BIG GUNS

- I DONT WANT THE TAYLOR VOICE CHANGE GOD NO

- MATT IM SCREAMING

- WILL CAMPOS U ABSOLUTE MADMAN. i already knew he was gonna find a way around using revivify but THAT WAS WILD

- are people gonna start drawing normal w that piece of jewelry now. bc i wanna. i already like drawing him w bracelets

- oh god what is beths fact gonna be.

- "i just keep meeting all the right people at all the wrong times" BETH MAY U ARE EVIL. THE PLOT OF THIS EPISODE HASNT EVEN STARTED AND IM ALREADY EMO

- ITS STARTING. OH NO

- NICKY BETTER FUCKING SHOW UP im curious to see what they actually decided on for the reason for him not being there last episode

- HERMIE WAS REMEMBERED giggles and kicks my feet

- TAYLOR AND LINCOLN ARENT AWARE THAT TERRY IS DEAD RN.

- were getting terris reaction rn i cant believe this is happening

- IM starting to feel sick godddd

- i bet im gonna see art of the lincoln and taylor piggyback ride hehe

- OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD TERRIS ASLEEP THIS MEANS WERE GONNA GET SCARY BACK. ALSO IS SHE GONNA SEE WILLY OH NOOOO

- NO NO NO NO NONONO

- "theres my girl" STFUUUUUU

- DOES SCARY REMEMBER ANYTHING??? DOES SHE KNOW WHATS GOING ON????

- "just wake him up" I. HATE. THIS EPSIODE

- SCARY GETTING CHOKED UP I CANT DO THIS

- TERRY DIDNT EVEN NEED TO DIE FUCK THIS

- "whoooa shit thats fucked up!" anthony burch i know u are just so incredibly pleased w urself.

- SCARYS STILL PRETENDING LIKE SHE DOESNT CARE ABOUT TERRY. JUST FEEL UR FEELINGS GIRL GOOD GOD

- "EMBARRASSING"??? FOR A KID TO BE UPSET THAT ONE OF THEIR PARENTS GOT MURDERED???? WILLY STAMPLER WTF IS WRONG W U

- there was never a more obvious lie than willy saying hell revive terry

- 19 INSIGHT LETS GOOO

- THATS RIGHT SCARY. STAND THE FUCK UP TO HIM

- NORMAL DESPERATELY TRYING TO HELP AWWWW MAN :[[ I HATE THIS

- PUTS MY HEAD IN MY HANDS. THIS IS SO DEEPLY UPSETTING

- WHEN WE SAID WE WANTED MORE SCARY AND NORMAL INTERACTIONS WE DIDNT THINK ITD BE LIKE THIS!!!

- THE TWINS ARE HERE NOW OMG

- beth is out for fucking blood this episode. god she is so good at making the audience feel for her characters

- SHES TELEPORTING TO GRANT?? IM NOT READY YET

- "hes dangerous! get away from him!" THE FACT THAT THIS IS LINCOLN SAYING THIS ABOUT GRANT BREAKS MY HEART

- SCARY HAS A GUN FUCK YEAH!!!

- FIRST HERMIE SPEAKING LINE OF THE EPISODE YIPPEEEE

- halfway through the episode now. cant wait to see what could possibly go wrong next!!

- i love whenever anthony allows a fun rulebreaking idea to work

- IDK WHY THE IDEA OF THE KIDDADS HAVING A GC IS SO FUNNY TO ME

- rons status remains a mystery....

- "we could do a whole scene w just hermie and all the other ones" u joke matt but i enjoy every scene w hermie no matter how unnecessary and drawn out

- as always linc and taylor are such a funny iconic duo

- WERE FINALLY GETTING ANGRY NORMAL??? FINALLY????

- WILL WITHDRAWING HIS COOL MOVE LMAO

- i just realized WE STILL HAVENT SEEN NICKY!!! GODDAMN!!!

- "the gayest fucking mecha of all time" swiftli fans do u like the new ship name /j

- ig i cannot deny it anymore swiftli is practically canon atp

- NICKY!!!! NICKY!!!!! I SHOT STRAIGHT UP IN MY SEAT

- NICKY AND HERMIE ARE FINALLY INTERACTING. PRAISE THE LORD

- i thought nicky got all his limbs back?? did anthony just forget

- btw ive probably been waking up my whole house w how hard im laughing over swiftli this episode

- LINCOLNS GONNA PUNCH GRANT WHOA. WHOA

- "so what are u gonna do, ur gonna kill me?" as i said before. i hate this episode.

- SCARY OBLITERATED PAPA JOHN SO FAST WHOA.

- THE DUNGEON SETUP VS THE TONE OF THE EPISODE HELPPP

- i just had such a weird thought/prediction. but i will hold my tongue. bc the last time i said something like this it came true and i do not want this to come true

- IS SCARY GONNA BREAK IT W LOVE FOR TERRY. I CANT DO THIS

- "i love u and i hate that u made me love u when u are who u are and u knew it." I WISH U COULD SEE MY FUCKING FACE RN. HOLYYY SHIT THATS DEVASTATING

- oh. my. good. lord.

- GUYS????? I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO NOW. HOLY FUCK. THAT WAS HEAVY AS SHIT

[woomycritiques543]

WARNING: Long Vent.

Hazbin Fandom: *Criticizes Vivziepop harshly and some even going out of their way to verbally mock her and her staff’s work*

Vivziepop: *Gets upset*

Hazbin Fandom: *Laughs at her*

Hazbin Fandom: *gets criticized almost the same way, with the only reason why someone assumed that they were a stan was because they used the same excuses as the they do but otherwise every other thing that was said towards them was an actual critique of something they said that was actually wrong and or otherwise hateful*

Hazbin Fandom: “Why are you being so mean!!!” *literally follows people who give others serious criticism but cant handle when someone critiques them the same way back* “I would never say something like that!!!!!! 😭🥺🥺🥺”

The Person who critiqued them: “I just said that you shouldn’t make excuses for the show by saying that you’re ok with most of the female cast not being given depth. I said nothing personal about you wtf-“

Hazbin Fandom: “SHUT UP!” *accuses that fan with slander that have nothing to do with what they said, and then tries to harass them along with their friends and guilt trips them for being upset about being thrown serious accusations over a cartoon. Meanwhile, the person who critiqued them is suffering from dealing with a family member in the hospital in the middle of the harassment.*

If anyone is wondering what this means:

My father had to go to the hospital last night and im now waiting for him to get surgery.

Yet some of you decided that it would be a good idea to throw serious accusations towards me in the middle of a cartoon discussion just because you disagreed with me, try to guilt trip people into thinking that im “angry” for an actual criticism, send your friends after me with harassment, and then play the victim while im being harassed by multiple people in the middle of waiting for my father to leave the hospital. Do you know how much that hurts me? To be harassed like that while trying to help a family member who’s suffering from a dangerous health condition that could impact him for the rest of his life due to internal stones? Yet you feel like you all can just waltz in, verbally mock Vivziepop’s art work with few critiques in between, harass other fans, and then leave without karma or being given any criticisms yourselves?

You want to know what that is? Hypocrisy.

You feel like you can throw anything you want at people, guilt trip them for saying even the slightest of criticism, the person giving that critique only laughing once because you decided to say something foolish in public, and then cry wolf when that person tries to tell you and your friends to stop harassing them?

Bullshit- BULLSHIT! People have told us that some of our criticism is too harsh or that we don’t accept enough ourselves, and now I know why. The worst part is, this is probably the fifth time i’ve seen this happen in the community. Someone mocks a creator of the show or another fan, gets criticism for something they made, and then either harasses people or resorts to guilt tripping once they’re called out. Its awful! How do you think that acting this way is going to solve our problems? It makes us look terrible, and then causes us to be seen as even more of a clown war by the outside world. You know why people say “Hazbin Fandom” when mentioning the lack of accepting criticism but never mention just the “Hazbin stans”?

This is why, even our own community has now shown glass jaws and have made complete asses of themselves publicly on multiple occasions, and then people wonder why there are fans who have (reasonably!) called us out for this kind of behavior. Even I admit that ive taken things too far at times, especially now, feeling how much it hurts to be spoken to that way by someone I thought I could trust.

Because this? This is too far!

(PS: A villain can be given depth or an actual personality without excusing their actions. “Depth” doesn’t equal sugarcoating or complete sympathy. So about the person on the right- This is actually a stupid reason to harass someone. All of this is (the fan on the left sent their friends after me after I said for them to “be more consistent.”) because I told you people that the female characters should be given depth regardless if they’re a side character or a villain and that you’re being biased about the male characters. How is that any different than how you talk about other creators? What makes it even worse is that you harassed me- over this! Either way, harassment never needs a “reason”. Bullying should have never existed- Period.)

This kind of behavior needs to stop.

End of Story.

[im-always-the-problem-its-me]

i don't know what the fuck just happened

i somehow managed to fuck up SO's birthday and feel awful. ive gotta make a big drive tomorrow night and have to fuck up my sleep schedule on purpose and with how emotionally exhausting this whole day was it's that much more difficult.

i legit started rambling, feeling very 'i'm a piece of shit, what do you want..let's make jokes about how fucked up i am while i detach emotionally when you have a breakdown' like roman fucking roy and then i even said 'i'm roman fucking roy, i don't know what you want from me'.

here's what i think happened: nutshell version because being vague is safer and i'm also tired.

SO has been depressed. i can't do shit about it. i have a bad habit when i'm overwhelmed with my own shit to be like 'let's try to just be super happy and pretend his breakdown isn't happening because i can't handle men crying on the floor because i'm used to men getting angry, yelling or worse...hitting me.' so i avoid. it's a symptom of complex PTSD apparently and also i think ptsd doesn't accurately describe what i have anymore because nothing is 'post'. this shit is happening right now and im constantly triggered because i figured out i'm still being abused and emotionally manipulated by my parents as an adult and i don't know wtf to do about it. i think im going to need therapy again. SO says he thinks he wants to go see one again too.

there's nothing wrong with our relationship. it's individually, we're both fucked up. it doesn't help i have this 'not really, but kind of' a side thing but it's not affecting things here. (im still a piece of shit because if anything its kind of an emotional affair...i dont know...feelings are fine...if i act on them then that's different...this is an old flame too and we're close, always have been...it's just an intense friendship bordering upon dangerous with flirtations but THAT'S NOT THE ISSUE)

'you never shut up' SO said to me out of anger. broke down after he said it even though i agreed even though it stung. i told him don't worry about it. it was true. i need to to not put all my shit on him. that's why i suggested therapy again.

i explained that i don't feel mad or upset by anything that happened tonight..just feel bad because yes he called me out on being emotionally detached and i have been lately because im a fucking mess. i also tend to run from everything so i even told him fuck it, we can move back because it's fine me being a mess but since he's the breadwinner, when he falls apart it's bad for both of us. i'm already on benefits because of epilepsy that's intractible. nothing I can do about that. but he needs to be ok.

he keeps looking at me like i'm nuts but dude, i've been running my whole life. i wanted to settle and stay here forever and i love this place more than any place i have ever lived but look i'm still sick here and i got issues popping up like god hates me.

i'm not even roman roy. i think because i detached instead of wearing it on my face or crying like kendall. maybe i'm a mix of both. i dunno. that show speaks to me on so many levels. i rewatched Hannibal too and i'm just like wtf. then i picked my favorite mommy issues movies to put on.

here's what i know happened: two people who love each other very much aren't doing well mentally but their relationship isn't what's making the other fucked up. it's everything else they have never dealt with making them individually fucked up and tonight it blew up. bad timing. neither of us could help each other. he got rightfully pissed. i am not upset he got pissed and the one thing he said out of anger was a very true fucking statement that put a big mirror in front of my face.

i realized too that i cannot handle a man having a breakdown. he asked why i always just walk away from him when hes like that? well because i don't know what to do with it and also what if it turns into something else and the man is going nuts on me or taking it out on me? i don't know. i'm very fucked up.

i hate victim mentality bullshit. i try not to put stuff on anyone. so i sweep it away like it's not fucking happening and i got called out on that. i don't know how to be there for him. i can't help it i have ingrained weird ideas. i try just not to be a cunt ok? and i don't know maybe i was one tonight? i don't even know. i apologized for getting loud when i did because i had my earplugs in so didn't realize how loud i was and i also hadn't eaten all day and it was making me hangry so my brain couldn't even process anything until after i ate.

a man shaking and crying on the floor because of me? (or what i perceived as being about me?) all i thought was get away from him because you're hurting him and nothing you do is going to make it better...and then it was like i felt like my mom. that's what she did. no comfort for the crying ones...just walk away until it's over. but i'm not his mommy. i'm his SO. he even said 'i don't want you to baby me or anything, just a little comfort would be nice.' he's right. but again, why are you crying in the first place? i'm selfish so i'm thinking 'wtf i'm a mess...now i have to wonder why you're a mess...wtf' and jfc no....i don't know what the fuck happened.

we need to both get some help with our issues somehow or we're not going to make it if repeats like this keep happening. i can't even call it a fight. it was more just a collective breakdown. he went to bed red eyed and mumbling. i'm up exhausted but numb af.

fucking a.

it's good i'll be gone for a day. give us both some time away just to think. well, he'll be able to anyway, ill be cramped in a car with 7 other people for 18 hours. not that i'm complaining. i've gotta do this to help out with bills and plus now i've got an obligation because my mother keeps putting shit on me and didn't even give me a chance to say no and if i don't make this trip a lot of people are out of money so im basically unable to back out even if wanted to. fuck it. i think i'll finally be able to chill next year. i'm going to make myself anyway. get through holidays. have a good time on our concert trip in january. hopefully by them my SO and i are in better places mentally too.

one hour at a time.

[warmau]

☆ [nostalgic] summer romance!au jeno another late, sappy birthday gift for mr. lee jeno. i promised to finish the ot21s so....... find others here: johnny | haechan | taeil | taeyong | mark | jaemin | yangyang | yuta | sicheng | chenle | kun | yukhei | doyoung | jaehyun | jungwoo | ten | jisung | renjun tw: mention of ankle injury

summer is supposed to be a time of happiness, of adventure and goofing around under the constant sunlight

and so when you start summer, you are all smiles and big dreams! unfiltered energy to do whatever you want!

and whatever you want is definitely

NOT spending even a day (actually three) in the hospital after you end up falling off your bike and breaking your ankle like the absolute unlucky person that you are

"that is so gnarly dude, my condolences"

chenle mutters, skateboard under hand and shaking his head

jisung nods in agreement beside him - still wearing his helmet even after your nurse gives him a look about it

"hey, at least you're getting all this free candy?"

jaemin motions, picking up a 'get better soon' box filled with chocolates from your uncle

he pops one in his mouth and haechan swats his hand away before he can steal any more

mark sighs and gives you a sad smile, renjun puts the flowers they all bought together in a vase by your bed

it's all a little too much - and you tell them it's fine, it's just an ankle and you'll be out of here in no time

they all agree, except for jeno who is sitting at the foot of your bed with his volleyball uniform still on and his duffel bag between his legs on the floor

you keep throwing glances his way because you have never seen jeno so quiet in your life

mark - who is the brains of your friend group (oddly enough) - catches the looks of worry

so he does what any good friend would do, he tells all the remaining members he saw a machine with snacks out in the hall and they all excuse themselves with 'see you soon!'s' out of your hospital room

jeno doesn't move a muscle

"how was practice? jaemin looks happy so im guessing you guys are going to be in great shape when school starts again?"

there isn't any response and jeno is almost hidden with the way his head is hanging low and his hands are clasped on his knees

"jeno-"

"it's my fault you're in here."

you puff your cheeks and cross your legs

"oh please! it's my own fault! is that why you're acting all sad?"

he doesn't answer and the lack of communication is making you nervous more than it is making you angry

jeno and you are close, to the point of knowing each other's parents by their first names and who your first kisses were back in middle school

he has never been one to lack the words for a conversation - at least not with you

you wish you could scoot closer and pinch his cheek or poke his forehead

but your cast is restricting movement and these days touching jeno feels......different

"i should have stopped you before you went down that hill, i was there and i couldn't save you-"

"jeno, im not made of glass and plus im not even that hurt!"

he finally shifts so he can look at your leg, propped up on the pillow and covered in its cast that has been brightly decorated with signatures and doodles

the way his gaze travels up your hospital gown and to you, you know he isn't registering anything you're saying

you sit up a little and hide the wince behind another set of promises to jeno that you are ok and you don't need him to blame himself when he has so much more going on on his plate

"you and jaemin are going to graduate after the upcoming semester and that means it's your last year with the volleyball team. you should focus on practice and being the best you can be - when i can get myself up on those crutches ill come visit to see how you guys are doing!"

he seems to soften, the sharp angles of his face that have just gotten more handsome as he ages still somehow manage to look sweet and youthful

he picks his duffel bag up off the floor and leans toward you like he's going to push some hair from your face or kiss your forehead

he's done both before - but this is the first time the gesture has made the blood in your veins stop and something imaginary clog in the back of your throat

instead of doing either jeno seems to buffer as he hovers above you, reaching out to fluff the edge of your pillow

"ok, but also you have to be serious about your recovery."

he pulls back and the same concern as before washes over him, his vocal tone lowers

"don't go doing anything dangerous."

you point to your cast with a half-smile

"i don't think that's going to be possible."

you get discharged from the hospital the next day, not that it brightens your summer any further, you basically just end up trading the hospital bed for the four walls of your own room

the group chat explodes with more well wishes

but you change the subject, all the pity makes you cringe

'how was volleyball practice?'

several people start typing - except for jeno

jaemin's reply comes first, 'it was good!'

followed by jisung's, 'but.....jeno didn't show up...'

renjun adds 'he said he wasn't feeling well - don't worry!'

you furrow your eyebrows

'has anyone visited him? does he need medicine?'

haechan texts something before anyone can really stop him, 'im pretty sure he's just being sad - if he had the stomach flu we all be sick. we eat together everyday.'

'haechan!' mark replies as jaemin sends a shaking his head emoji

'wait. jeno is sad?'

it goes silent and then suddenly jeno is typing

'im not sad, im fine. ill be at practice tomorrow.'

you let out a sigh you didn't know you were holding in

it's only natural that you, as jeno's friend, would be worried about him. at least, that's what you tell yourself.

to be honest - now that you're not out enjoying summer - you're more than ever stuck with your own thoughts and the most recent string of them is: what changed between you and jeno?

for years it had been easy going fun, the simple enjoyment of each others company

but ever since it started getting warm enough for t-shirts - there has been a shift in the central point of you and jeno's friendship

you are suddenly hyper-aware of how strong the outline of his arms looks.

you notice when he wears different cologne.

you see the way other people turn their heads to look at him when he walks by, the way they pick up on the handsome features that make up your best friend

and you can't help but feel something cruel and cold fester in the pit of your stomach when you think jeno might one day look back at that stranger ..... and notice their features too

you sit up, which is a mistake because you shift your foot and it makes you yelp, but you look at your phone again

the gc has moved onto topics of video games so you message jeno outside of it

'hey, if something is wrong you can tell me'

he reads the message and doesn't reply. you tell yourself that's totally fine.

a couple of weeks pass before anyone lets you limp out of the house by yourself

you've mastered crutches and when you really need something, one of your friends delivers it

although recently, it seems to be everyone but jeno

everything otherwise seems normal

no one really talks about volleyball - which is fine, you just assume they're busy practicing

and so you hobble down to the school gym that's still open for the student-athletes during the break and are secretly happy to bump into mark who helps you with the stairs

"by the way, don't be upset with him ok."

mark says before you enter the gym - you look at him with a raised eyebrow

"upset with who?"

mark swallows - just tilts his head and when you go inside you look everywhere, you see everyone, but you don't see jeno

"im guessing he isn't in the locker rooms?"

you ask mark with a deflated tone of voice, mark shakes his head

"he hasn't been to practice at all."

you can understand why no one had told you.

like mark said, they knew you'd get on his case about it - which is what you plan on doing when you end up on his front porch

jeno comes down with messy hair and basketball shorts on. he's not wearing a shirt and immediately you think you lose the ability to speak

"you shouldn't be walking around just yet."

he says and you frown

"it's been a while now, plus im not here about me. im here to ask what you think you're doing."

jeno crosses his arms and you hate the involuntary flex of his muscles.

actually, you don't hate it, you hate that you stare when you don't mean to.

he ushers you into the backyard and motions for you to sit on one of the patio chairs

he's still being the same thoughtful guy you grew up with but you're beyond confused

"are you quitting volleyball - why aren't you going to practice?"

"im not quitting. i just don't feel like it - i don't feel like doing anything."

you reach out with one of your crutches to poke him, he makes a face

"im the one with a broken ankle - im the one who gets to be depressed. c'mon, tell me what's really wrong."

jeno falls silent, you notice that he hasn't completely shaved and there's a bit of a shadow on his jawline

you swallow the sudden dryness in your throat

this is your best friend since you were kids. you are literally not going to think anything but pure thoughts from now on. ok. stop. don't you dare.

"that's the thing. you have a broken ankle, you can't even go to the beach and im supposed to do what - enjoy the summer without my best friend?"

he throws his hands up and you see an expression you barely ever get from jeno form on his face

"i could have stopped you from being reckless, i could have made sure you weren't in that stupid cast and that you could-"

"jeno!"

you cut him off and he looks at you, the momentary distraction of your newfound attraction to him dissipates as you grind your teeth

"i told you that it's no way your fault i got hurt - plus it's not like you personally broke my ankle and im not suffering torturous pain. things happen like this in life - don't beat yourself up about it!"

you wish you could get up to make your point, but the best you manage is a shaky lift grabbing onto your chair

jeno gets up to help you but you shoo him away

"it hurts me more to see you moping around on my behalf! did you think about that, how it would make me feel to hear that my injury is making you slack on the things you like?!"

he blinks and you suddenly feel a rush of different things

one is that you hate how he seems to be so full of pity for you, another is that you hate how he's kind of right about this summer being pointless now that you can barely move, but the last is that because of all these things happening you can't even properly wrap your head around the fact that you think you like him

and not in the platonic way you'd been beating on liking him your whole life

so to add this to the pile - you take your crutches and give him a stern look

"just start going to practice. i told you when i was in the hospital, i'll always come to cheer you on when i can. that doesn't change for me, broken ankle or not because you're my best friend and i want to see you succeed."

and i love you

you don't say the last part, you bite your lip back and although you can't storm off in your usual fiery passion, you make it out of his backyard and let a heaviness fall off your chest as you somehow manage to get back home

the sound of messages incoming on your phone are drowned away by your tiredness

i just want to be a source of happiness for you, i never wanted to be your burden jeno.

the next day there's a knock on your bedroom door - you tell them to come in and go wide-eyed when you see jeno there

he's in his volleyball uniform and he's holding something in his hands

"jen-"

"im sorry. you were right, i can't use you as an excuse to be lazy anymore. i brought these."

he hands you the tupperware of cookies and you are about to ask him if he made these when jeno's familiar, warm laughter fills your room

"i didn't make them, they're chipsahoy but i thought the gesture could count."

you look down at them - he's so silly.

you look back up at jeno's smile - i really love him.

"good. now go have fun at practice, ill visit you guys later in the week."

he comes closer to you and suddenly the air in the room stills, he leans over and you think you can feel the temperature of your skin rise to an unsafe level when he hooks his pinkie with yours

"promise?"

you nod and he disappears with a wave. you sit in your bed and hold the cookies.

maybe breaking my ankle and not spending every minute around him might actually have been a good thing.

as you promised, you show up to practice at the end of the week.

jeno is there and he lights up when he sees you, helps you with your crutches and everyone gathers around to tell you how thankful they are that you went and got jeno to comeback

jisung randomly sputters a, "the only person who can control him is you. it's like he's your boyfriend."

mark catches the look on your face before jeno does and flicks jisung on the head, "what do you know about dating - c'mon lets go get water for everyone."

the comment swims around your head for the entire time you're there - and you don't know it, but it swims around jeno's as well

when practice is over, jaemin offers to drive everyone home - no one agrees because they're probably terrified of his driving

and jeno says he'll be the one to walk you home

it's nothing unusual, you've been with jeno throughout your whole childhood, but there seems to be a weird pause among your group when he announces it

when you and him set off toward your house, mark does something weird - he winks at you and you take a second before

oh - he knows i like jeno doesn't he?

you can only go at the of the equivalent of snail's pace, and jeno matches it without complaint

you don't say anything and it makes it that much harder to distract the chanting about how good he looks and how you can't believe you're that person who fell in love with their best friend and how this summer is so confusing its almost vomit-inducing and-

"hey, would it be weird if i liked you?"

it feels like the earth itself has been dropped from the shoulders of atlas, you think suddenly all the gravity has gone and disappeared

you stop and look at jeno who sets his bag down on the asphalt

the boy you met when you were young is suddenly not a boy anymore, his shadow is tall and mature against the setting summer sun

"liked me?"

he scratches the back of his neck and then nods

"i had said i can't use your injury as my excuse to be lazy. i actually wasn't being lazy, i was just going through a hard time because i thought i had hurt the person most important to me in the world."

your heart thumps against your chest so hard it kind of hurts

"me?"

"yeah, and i realized your friend can be the most important person in the world - but i think it's different the way i feel about now......i like you."

"i love you."

you blurt it out before you can even really stop yourself, jeno looks shocked for about a second before it breaks into a big smile on his face

the one you haven't seen in what seems like forever, the one that feels genuine and right

"oh cool, i actually love you too - i just didn't know if i should say it-"

"can you come over here and kiss me, these crutches are kind of making it hard for me."

no one is surprised when you and jeno announce in the gc that you're going on your first date

mark tries to act it, but literally everyone is like finally - you do ask mark if he knew all along about how you felt and he goes i knew how you felt and how jeno felt. you two are open books.

the date isn't as thrilling as you both might have wanted, the broken ankle is still kind of getting in the way, so jeno takes you out to the lake and does all the rowing himself

you offer, since it's your hands, but he insists he can do it himself and he does. seriously, he's way stronger than you remember him being a year ago.

you guys eat on the grass when you get back and he effortlessly picks you back up onto your feet, you swoon everytime but try not to show it

and when jeno drops you off - he kisses you again, and this time he doesn't have to have you tell him to - he picks the perfect moment

being his best friend and dating him doesn't change too much, it's just you're now holding hands everytime you hangout and you're kissing in the back of jaemin's car much to his disappointment and well

it's just made everything easier - you're not wrapped in your head about what's different, because nothing is, you just are honest with how you both feel

jeno and jaemin even get visited by scouts for volleyball and when jeno tells you about it you try to jump up to hug him and he's like bABE CAST but too late you're like OW and he's like oh god oh god let me hold you

you're like jeno let's learn to bake cookies for real so we don't have to buy chipsahoy to give each other and he's down for it but then you both almost set the kitchen on fire and call renjun like ten times to ask about the recipe and basically you are both banned from baking again

your cast gets filled in with hearts from jeno...you let him lay his head on you when he's playing games on his phone and you're like watching him play and when you get bored you're like let's kiss instead

jeno leaves all his hoodies 'accidentally' over at your house because he knows you like wearing them but won't admit it outloud

the summer continues on until suddenly it's colder outside and the reality of school coming back dawns on everyone

and also, you get the date for when your cast will be removed

jeno asks if you're going to keep it once it gets cracked - you say you might, you woulnd't want to lose all those cute hearts he scribbled on them and he just smiles and kisses your forehead

"i'd scribble all the hearts everywhere for you."

"that's cute, we should save that for when we get married."

and you do save it for then - years later when you're showing jeno the design on your invitations

beside both your names is a cluster of different hearts, all doodled by jeno himself

"how'd you get these?"

"kept a part of my broken cast."

he stares at you with wide eyes

"im joking, i got them off a napkin you doodled on when we were at dinner."

jeno pokes his tongue out at you and you giggle as he wraps his arms around your waist as to not let you get away

the softness of your love and silliness of your friendship is still there

it'll always be there - through all the broken ankles, casts, and doodled hearts to come.

[princesssarcastia]

2021 Harry Potter Fanfic Primer

im here to point fingers at the incredible authors that have enabled my new interest in HP content.  im still conflicted and upset about it, tbh, but for now we’re leaning into the curve.  we’re getting out our shovel and finding out just how deep we can make the hole we’re in.  hand in unlovable hand my beloved <3.  anyway, these fics are wonderful, their authors are wonderful, and you should go read their stuff. if there’s a star next to it that means im losing my mind over it and always will be.

Creatively Maladjusted, by elumish on AO3, 101k  (they also have a wonderful writing advice blog on tumblr, @elumish, which I recommend following if you are a writer) 

A very excellent re-telling of harry’s first year at hogwarts if he were sorted into Slytherin, plus some more not!fic or piecemeal re-tellings of his second and part of his third year.  Harry, in this, has a slightly different trauma response to growing up with the Dursley’s.  He’s a bit quieter, and the signs are a bit more obvious to the people around him, and I enjoyed that immensely. 

Honestly, if you’re going to get sucked into something you have absolutely no business getting sucked into, elumish is the way to go, their fic is incredible. their teen wolf fic is also immaculate, if you’re so inclined. 

Dissonance, by ImpishTubist on AO3, 2.5k (@impishtubist on tumblr)

Set during fifth year.  Oblivious!Harry has always been a delightful trope when well executed, and this is well executed.  Plus, some angst between Remus and Harry over what Umbridge has been doing to him.

I would certainly recommend a lot of ImpishTubist’s other hp work on AO3, like Lacuna.

blow us all away, by rexcorvidae on AO3, 23k (@rexcorvidae on tumblr)

In progress (like, updated last week in progress).  Currently in the beginning of Harry’s first year.  Fem!Harry, Indian!Harry.  Hagrid puts Harry in touch with Remus when she has questions about her parents, and they become reluctant, traumatized, angst-ridden pen pals who keep missing each other’s true intentions like ships in the night.  hot DAMN do I love this fic.  there’s hints of the way the dursley’s treat Harry peaking through in her letters, and I appreciated the attention to “hmm, her experience as a girl of indian descent in britain under the thumb of a bunch of white people who like being Normal may not have been gucci”

Definitely comb through the rest of their HP fic, too, I may or may not have gone feral over it.

Where the Heart is, by silver_fish on AO3, 15k (@kohakhearts on tumblr)

Woof.  This one said, “hey, harry was probably SUPER depressed in the summer after fifth year.  like, clinically.  maybe someone should do something about that.”  Fuck yeah.  Then this one said, “that someone was Snape.”  You all know my opinions on Snape; generally, Bad.  But damn if this fic didn’t wholly convince me by the end of it.  I thought it was a very realistic way for Snape to start seeing Harry as a person all on his own, and not a proxy for Snape’s angst over James and Lily, respectively.  The angst is wonderful, the ending is even more so.

*bernie sanders voice* I am once again asking you to read through the rest of the author’s HP fic.  a lot of them have similar themes; there’s actually a great one with Molly that i’m not reccing here, Wonder.

☆Bindings, Bindings, by Quietlemonhush on AO3, 60k (@quietlemonhush on tumblr)

WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS TO YOU HOW MUCH I ENJOYED/AM ENJOYING THIS.  If I had to pick a single fic and say “you, it’s your fault I’m stuck here,” it would be this one.  Anyway Lily in the afterlife is So Very Angry about how Petunia is treating Harry, and how Sirius is rotting in Azkaban, and how Remus is alone, that she literally brings herself back to life and drags James and Regulus with her.  All three of them are there to chew bubblegum and fix everything that went wrong after they died—and would you look at that, they’re all out of bubblegum!  There’s only Fury left.  That inciting premise is very crack, but every moment after that is very much not crack.  Lily and James love harry more than anything, the way a child should be loved; James and Sirius have the epic friendship of a lifetime; Sirius and Remus have staggering amounts of resolved sexual tension and take turns keeping each other in check; Regulus, though he realized that Voldemort and his family were shit before he died, is still unlearning all his racist bullshit and, also, years of trauma.  Actually, they’re all traumatized, but hey: now they have one another again and not a damn one of them seems inclined to let go anytime soon.  Quietlemonhush went, “hey, HP has a lot of Awful people in it, and a lot of Righteous people in it, and many of them are Very, Very Powerful; also, love is the most powerful force in the universe” and i said “hell yes tell me more right now.”  And then they did!

Quietlemonhush writes Sirius/Remus in a way that makes it sooo much fun to devour, so the rest of their HP fic is most certainly worth a look, if that’s your thing.

Rebuilding, by Colubrina on AO3, 113k (@colubrina on tumblr)

Hermione/Draco (*shrug emojis into the abyss* yeah, yeah, like none of us have ever been there before).  Takes place during Hogwarts 8th year, and while the beginning is, IMO, a little unfair to Ron, it gets much better.  Tells the story of Hermione and Draco clearing the air, learning to like each other, having some hormones over each other, and then falling in love.  Also tells the story of Hermione and Theo Nott becoming friends; the story of how every single 7th and 8th year student is fucked to hell by the war and the Carrows; the story of how they start an emotional support group about it and all become friends; and the story of, what the hell do you do with yourself after that kind of trauma?

I’ve been dipping in and out of Colubrina’s HP since before I was even on tumblr; I actually found them in those dark yesteryears when the only fandom interactions I had were on fanfiction.net.  Of such fame as Green Girl, which is an HP fic staple, and has also written a lot of wackier, crackier, and darker things than that.  If you don’t take yourself too seriously, I highly recommend many of their big HP works, though I imagine it’ll press some people’s buttons.  Colubrina’s work really does take up a corner of my mind whenever I’m in an HP mood, and will take up yours if you let it.

☆ all waiting is long, by shuofthewind on AO3, 149k ( @shu-of-the-wind on tumblr)

This is so well written that I can’t stop thinking about it.  It is occupying my mind when I lie awake at night, you know?  It’s one of those.  Hermione messes with something she probably shouldn’t have in Grimmauld Place, so when Sirius is sent through the Veil in the Department of Mysteries, she gets thrust into an alternate universe...in 1975.  Instead of handwaving it away, shuofthewind actually gets into the mechanics of it in a way that makes sense, to emphasize that hermione is never going home.  ever. The world she finds herself is shifted slightly to the left, quite a bit darker, but in a “the author is treating the idea of a society-wide conflict over blood purity much more seriously than JKR ever did” way, not a sensationalist way.  Now, Hermione has to grapple with all her grief at losing everyone she’s ever loved or known, the moral/ethical/magical implications of sharing what she knows about her future in an alternate world, and, you know, a goddamn war with people who want to murder her for being who she is.  This Hermione is smart, and she’s kind, and she’s powerful, and she’s making real friends.  If you hate JKR’s guts I’d go read this right now, because it delivers in all the ways she failed us.  It’s plotty, its got great world-building, and it pulls back the white curtain on the wizarding world to show you that, like real life, it’s multicultural and full of queer people...and the discrimination that comes with both.

shuofthewind write epics, mainly for the MCU, and I’ve read some of them a looooong time ago, so this fic kinda seemed out of left field for me but im SOOOO GLAD it exists.  If you want MCU fic you can sink your teeth into, go for it, but alas, they do not have any more HP fic (.......yet?)

Speak Now [+] Listen Now, by mrsfrizzle on AO3, 33k altogether

Harry reaches out to Remus for support because Umbridge is getting to him with her literal torture.  Remus, being a former professor, former mandatory reporter, person who loves Harry and has since he was born, and all around good man, tells Harry he has to tell someone, or Remus will.  It’s everything any adult looking back on that time in HP canon ever wanted, which is for an actual adult to say “what the fuck, those are literal chidlren” and then do something about it.  Then, a far more dangerous task: Harry trusts Remus enough to go to him about the Dursleys.  Harry and Remus’ relationship develops SO WELL, and there’s a bit of exploration about how Sirius may not exactly be guardian material, because he did in fact spend 12 years of his life getting tortured instead of growing up.  I think I’m actually going to go reread this right now, because it speaks to my id.

they do have some other HP fic which did not appeal to my hyperspecific wants, but may appeal to some of yours.  I think they’re also a published author, there should be a link on their profile page.

chase the stars, by Duskglass on AO3, 101k (@felix-duskglass on tumblr)

When Harry is five years old, a picture of him ends up in the Daily Prophet, and Sirius Black, Terror of Ministry Officials Touring Azkaban everywhere, gets a hold of that issue.  He then, in order: breaks out of Azkaban; crosses the countryside to Surrey; Finds Harry: Kidnaps Harry; Breaks Into Remus’ Apartment; starts processing (or maybe just acknowledging) his trauma from Azkaban, the war, and his childhood; and pines after Remus.  It’s a little plotty, and deals a lot (sometimes through flashbacks) with the specific awful things that happened to Sirius—largely because, after years in the constant presence of Dementors, those are nearly literally the only memories he has left.  It’s a wonder he’s got the strength to love Harry and Remus at all.  But then, maybe it isn’t.

This is a Very Serious Fic, but the rest of Duskglass’s HP work is actually just cracky enough to tickle your funny-bone, while still making you think “okay but why couldn’t we have done that in the first place.”

So!  That’s it for recs, for now.  These are all things I’ve found and read in the last month; if any of y’all are interested in my old HP recs, let me know and I can make a post for that, too.  While I’m still very conflicted about my choice of current fandom, I am not in ANY way conflicted about my taste in fic and authors.  Send these guys some love, read their fic if you’re so inclined, and leave some nice comments at the end of it.

[karmautistic]

God okay im so sorry if I'm flooding your inbox (I have sent. A good amount of headcanons oops) BUT another varigo hc, this time it Is what you asked for, that being hurt/comfort

So. I personally hc that Varian has some pretty deeply buried issues with rage. In the show, a lot of his responses to different situations- after shock or panic -IS anger. But this is also, again, Varian, who KNOWS how dangerous his anger is and is incredibly guilty over the damage it's done. So as he gets older he just...refuses to feel it. Pushes it down and hides it, because suffocating it is So Much Less Dangerous than feeling it (in his opinion, at least).

Hugo, once they start dating, doesn't put up with that shit. He admits openly that he's not super good at the whole "talking about emotions" thing, but he Is good at listening, when he chooses to be. So he throws together a little nest, curls up with his boyfriend, and offers to just...listen to Varian Yell. About everything and anything that's pissing him off, and rubs his back through the entire rant. And it /works/, because Hugo even just being there keeps him from getting lost in all of it, and he sometimes even throws in some validation via commentary ("nono, you're absolutely right that was a Dickish thing they did, go off"). And, yknow, the massage is always nice. (And occasionally distracting because has Hugo always known how to do this??? Cause if so it was very rude of him to keep this skill to himself, but back to what varian was saying about the trainee guards-)

Anyway sorry didn't mean to write you a mini novel, hope ur having a decent vibe and/or are at least doing better!!

PLEASE NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR SPAMMING MY INBOX WITH HEADCANONS I love discussing them and reading them it makes me smile... its one of my favorite things to do!!

BUT YES YEAHHHA VERY TRUE...

AND after Varian calms down more, they still talk and distract for awhile to get him in a better mood jic so he's not tired or low energy! Hugo says a bunch of stupid jokes to make him laugh and they always do. He always knows what makes Varian laugh...

Or he can resort to the easy method of kissing Varian's neck and occasionally blowing a raspberry to surprise him. It makes him burst into giggles every time...

It helps Varian express anger more easily... its very good... if he's angry or upset, he just kinda silently grabs Hugo's hands and says something like. "I had a bad day..." and Hugo's instantly on it to help. Varian feels more confident telling him when he needs things like that because he knows he'll feel less stressed after telling him and he'll get to laugh afterwards...

[topsytervy]

Goodbye ~ Rafe Cameron

Blurb: You and Rafe were dating until you realized he changed way too much...and not for the better.

Word Count: maybe 4,300 (i did some last minute editing)

Warnings: mentions of drugs (coke and weed), hints at sex, swearing, toxic behavior, age gap (16 and 19), canon Rafe (minus the murder), grammar/spelling mistakes,i think thats it.

One thing before you read:

This takes place with the reader being 16 and Rafe 19 so Im just going to say this. THIS IS PURELY A WORK OF FICTION AND ACCORDING TO GOOGLE THE AGE OF CONSENT IN NORTH CAROLINA IS 16. STILL, I DO NOT CONDONE RELATIONSHIPS WHERE A PARTNER(S) IS AN ADULT AND THE OTHER(S) IS A MINOR. THIS IS JUST FICTION!

Not me already thinking of a part 2 where they reunite years later at John B and Sarahs wedding

~~~~~~~~~

You dated Rafe Cameron for a bit, starting your relationship months before his downward spiral. Key words there being dated and a bit. Almost a year. 11 months 17 days and 5 hours to be exact but who was counting.

Rafe Cameron was.

Out of the 11 months 17 days and 5 hours that your relationship lasted, you two spent 11 months 2 days and 30 minutes with each other and they were the best 11 months 2 days and 30 minutes of his life. 

You broke it off though after he had promised that he would try to quit his drug habit, his coke habit to be more precise, and didn't. Whenever you tried to help him, he'd push you away and say, 'I can take care of my own shit, Y/N. I don't need you to help'. 

The last straw was when he drove up to Barrys, you in the passenger seat next to him, unamused since he said he'd be taking you to the beach but didn't, opting out to fulfill the hunger of coke instead.

"Rafe, please. You're doing so well. We can still go back home. Lay down, watch a movie, have some fun…" You trailed off, thinking that the last option would definitely have him turning back.

"After this, Y/N/N. Then we can have all the fun we want." He smirked.

You huffed, crossing your arms over your chest. "It's no fun when you're high." You mumbled under your breath.

He parked the car and told you to stay put, which you chose to ignore as you promptly swung the door passenger open and hopped out of the vehicle. After all, you were all dressed and ready for the beach, eagerly waiting to feel the sand between your toes and the sun on your skin -and to see your boyfriend shirtless- and instead, you were at Barrys. Not to pay off a debt and say Rafe was out, but too get more cocaine. You were upset and you were going to make sure he saw you each second he was with you so he'd feel bad about breaking his promise. Rafe rolled his eyes as you followed him inside, not really wanting Barry to see you.

Rafe and Barry greeted each other and you followed them towards Barry's room where the exchange was made. Rafe watched Barry count the money, his index finger tapping on the side of his leg as he waited. You stood in the corner of the room, unamused by your boyfriend as you watched him begin to chew on his lip as Barry furrowed his eyebrows and recounted.

"What are you trying to do, country club?" Barry finally asked.

"What do you mean?" A confused look crossed Rafe's face.

"You're 20 bucks short, man. You think you can just stiff me?"

Rafe looked at you and you held up your hands. "Why are you looking at me? I don't wanna be here in the first place and where the fuck would I hide 20 bucks? My bikini top." You glared. Rafe shot you another look. "I'm serious, Rafe. You wanna frisk me, be my fucking guest." 

Rafe looked at your face and saw you were telling the truth before turning back to Barry, who was eyeing you up as you talked at Rafe but moved his gaze back to the man in front of him when he thought of an idea.

"You know, country club. I could let it slide and still give you what you want. You'd just have to keep it hush-hush." He smirked.

"What do you want in exchange then? My truck? Bike? Uh…my watch?" Rafe began to take off the watch his father gave him but Barry held up his head, causing Rafe to look up at him.

"A couple of hours with her." Rafe followed Barry's pointer finger and saw you raise your eyebrows.

"Excuse me? Do I look like I wanna have sex with you?" You asked.

Barry's smirk only grew. "I like you. You're a feisty little thing I can tell."

Don't I know it, Rafe thought to himself as he pulled his bottom lip between his teeth.

You had to stop yourself from letting your jaw drop. He was actually thinking about it.

Rafe Cameron, your boyfriend, the guy who decked a kid in the jaw who had accidentally brushed his hand against yours when at a kegger once, was actually considering this guy's proposal. 

If Rafe said yes, you were a goner. There was no way you could overpower Barry. You could barely overpower your 12 year old brother when fighting for the remote and he was weak as hell.

"No. Its fine. Just give me the cash back and I'll come back when I have the 20." Barry gave him back the cash and Rafe nodded his head towards the door. "Lets go, baby."

You walked in front of Rafe and made your way outside, stopping right next to the passenger door, not opening it. 

Rafe came up behind you, wrapping his arms around your waist. "Lets get home, baby. Put on a movie and lay down, have some fun just like you suggested." He grinned, kissing your neck as he repeated what you had said not even ten minutes ago.

You shrugged him off and rolled your eyes.

"What's up with that?" He asked, slightly offended at the actions.

"You actually thought about leaving me alone for a couple of hours with that guy, Rafe. That's what's up with that." You turned around to face him.

"I didn't though."

"You still thought about it Rafe. You thought about letting that man, that slimey, greasy, man, have his way with me just so you could get some coke."

"Hey, you're not in there with him, though. You're out here with me. Aren't you, Y/N/N?" You didn't respond. "Aren't you?!" Rafe hollered, causing you to jump slightly.

"Let me ask you this, Rafe. If someone came up to me right now and asked if I'd break up with you to date my celebrity crush, and I stopped to think about it instead of saying no right away, how would you feel?" Rafe clenched his jaw and didn't respond. "How do you think I feel right now after knowing that my jealous, possessive boyfriend who hates when a guy even looks at me, stopped and thought about a proposition his drug dealer brought up that meant he could still get his cocaine if he let his dealer fuck me and he'd let the 20 dollars slide."

"You don't know if he was going to fuck you." 

You let out a laugh in disbelief. "Don't play dumb, Rafe. You know exactly what he was going to do."

Rafe didn't say anything, just closed his eyes and started counting to ten to try and calm down so he could reason with you. He opened his eyes and went to speak but you were gone. "God, fuckin a." He cussed, grabbing his keys from his pocket and jogging to the driver side. 

He climbed in and started the vehicle before tearing out of the driveway. It's not like you had gotten far, jogging was faster than walking but not by much and Rafe saw you after just a mere 30 seconds of driving. You had slowed to a walk and when you saw his truck pull alongside you, you rolled your eyes and returned your gaze to the road in front of you. 

"Baby. Let's talk about this like adults." He sighed.

When you didn't answer, he sped up just a smidge so the bed was next to you, and pulled to the side of the road, getting out of the truck.

He stood in front of you. "You shouldn't be walking home. It's too far." You ignored him, going to walk around him but he just moved to be in front of you again. 

"Rafe, I'm warning you. Back the fuck off right now." 

"Just get in the truck and then we'll talk about whatever is going on up in that head of yours." He said gently.

"I already told you what was going on. You seriously thought about selling me out for sex just so you could get high."

"Y/N/N, get in the truck."

"It was disgusting that you hesitated before saying no.  What happened to me being your girl and no one else touching me or else you'd cave their skull in back there?"

"Get in the truck." He ran his hand through his hair, feeling himself getting angrier and trying to remain calm.

He didn't like yelling at you or getting angry at you, knowing how it scared you when he wasn't even yelling at you but someone else.

"You know, why can't you just get high with weed like JJ." 

And that was it. 

Rafe reached out and grabbed your chin, yanking you close. "Get in the fucking truck, Y/N." He seethed, his voice dangerously low. You tried to keep your face as neutral as possible despite how you felt on the inside. "Now!" Rafe yelled.

You flinched slightly before yanking your face from his grip and climbing into the passenger seat. You looked out the window as Rafe walked over to his side and climbed back in. 

You were a bit shaken up if you were being honest. Rafe had never yelled at you before today or called you by your actual name. It was usually your nickname or baby. He had also never grabbed you like that outside of the bedroom.

"I try to have a civil fucking conversation with you and you walk away. How fucking mature is that?" Rafe glanced over at you and you could feel his eyes on you but you just kept looking out the window. "And the fact that you think that just because I hesitated, I was going to give you over to Barry is fucking ridiculous. My brain was processing what he said, not thinking of letting him fuck you." Rafe was actually thinking of Barry's offer but you didn't need to know that for sure. "You're mine, Y/N. You hear that? M-I-N-E. Mine. I don't share my things with anyone and you know this." 

You swallowed hard at his words, taking in the toxicity of your situation right now. He wasn't the same Rafe that you started dating all those months ago. He was far from the Rafe who you let take your virginity when you hit month six of your relationship. He was far from the Rafe that the minute you said you were uncomfortable, was taking you away from whatever was making you uncomfortable or stopping what you were doing.

He was far from the Rafe you had fallen for.

"Drop me off at the chateau." You mumbled causing Rafe to stop his speech. 

"What?"

"Drop me off at the chateau." You said louder and slower. 

"What if I don't want to?" He huffed.

"Drop me off at the chateau or I'm calling JJ and he's gonna meet me at Tanneyhill and I'll let him tear you apart." 

Rafe's eyes left the road and he looked at you, still staring out the window. Rafe didn't say anything, just drove you where you told him to. 

The pogues sat on the porch and watched as Rafe's truck pulled up. 

Pope looked around at the group. "Weren't they supposed to be at the beach?" 

Kie shrugged as she watched your door swing open before the truck parked. "That's different. She's never done that before." She raised an eyebrow.

"What are you talking about?" John B asked.

"She just hopped out of Rafe's truck before it stopped. She usually stays in there for a minute after he parks." Kie nodded towards you as you walked towards them, rolling her eyes as if the boys should've known that.

Rafe sighed as he parked the truck and hopped out, jogging up to you and grabbing your arm. 

"Please just come back to Tanneyhill with me, Y/N, and we'll talk." 

You shook your head, retching your arm away from him. "We're done. Don't call me, don't text me, don't contact me at all. I can't do this anymore Rafe. I've tried helping you and being there for you and everything else during this...this...obstacle in your life and it's like you're not even trying anymore." You told him with tears in your eyes.

"What? No. No. No. I'm gonna get my shit together." He ran his hand through his hair.

Your friends stood up and slowly made their way over, not to eavesdrop, but just in case things took a turn.

"You keep saying that Rafe and I keep believing you but I can't. Not anymore. Not after today." You lamented, "Bye, Rafe. I wish you the best." You quickly turned and jogged into the chateau, feeling the tears start to fall.

"Y/N," he called, about to go after you but John B and JJ stopped him as the other two followed you inside. "Y/N!" He attempted to shrug off your two friends but when it was clear that they would not be letting him follow you without a fight, he pulled away, walking backwards to his truck. "I'll come back! You know I will! You're my girl!" He shouted as loud as he could.

John B and JJ stepped forward and Rafe pursed his lips before climbing into his truck. John B and JJ watched Rafe drive away before heading inside. John B sighed as he heard you cry in the bathroom, plopping down on the couch next to Pope as JJ found his home on the floor.

"Do we know what happened that finally made her break?" JJ asked, wanting nothing more to break the Cameron boys nose.

Pope shrugged before nodding towards the bathroom. "Kie's in there right now trying to calm her down and get her to talk about it." John B rubbed a hand over his face. "She's his girl? Really?" Pope raised an eyebrow, letting the two boys know that Rafes little shout was heard.

John B shook his head. "Not anymore. I think it'll take a miracle for her to go back to him."

"And he'd really come back here just to try and get her back?"

JJ looked at Pope with a serious expression. "He can fucking try but if he even looks at her, I'll break him. I'll take her to work with me if it means not leaving her alone for Rafe to show up and try to weasel back in." 

Pope licked his lips. "She seemed so happy with him in the beginning. I was honestly kind of rooting for them."

John B looked at Pope. "I think we all were." 

"And she was happy with him. Then he decided that coke should join the relationship and that's when it all went downhill." JJ added.

After an hour had passed and no more crying was heard, the three pogue boys got up and made their way to the bathroom.

JJ knocked on the door and Kie immediately answered. "Come in."

He opened the door slowly to avoid hitting anyone before the three boys made their way into the bathroom. It was a bit cramped but no one complained as they looked down at you with your head on Kie's lap, eyes closed as you slept.

"What happened ?" Pope whispered.

"He went to Barry's and was short twenty dollars. Barry said Rafe could still get the coke and not have to worry about the twenty if he could have a couple hours with her."  Kie started.

"Sounds about par for the course for Barry," JJ mumbled, knowing all about the dealer.

"Rafe thought about it before saying no. After a small argument and explanation as to why she saw his hesitation as a problem, she started walking. He followed, told her multiple to get in the truck but she didn't, and then he grabbed her roughly and told her one more time and she did because she was scared." The curly haired girl sighed.

The boys all shot each other a look but Kie quickly shut it down. "No. You are not fighting him. That will just cause more problems. We're going to ignore his existence and be here for Y/N. Understand?" No one spoke. "I said, Understand?" Kie said more sternly.

The boys all mumbled the agreements and JJ crossed his fingers out of sight. If Kie thought he was going to just let it all slide right by, she was wrong. No one hurt his friends and got away with it. She should know this by now.

"Now, can one of you be useful and put her to bed? Or am I just going to have to do it myself?" Kie raised an eyebrow.

"I got her." JJ muttered, walking over to Kie and picking you up gently.

He took you into what he claimed as his room and placed you on the bed, throwing a blanket over. He turned to leave but stopped, biting his lip for a second before turning back around and giving you a kiss on your forehead.

Now, here Rafe was, six months later, at The Wreck with Kelce and Topper, watching JJ and you wait for your food at the counter.

Rafe made a face and at the sight of you two close together and thats when he noticed JJ's arms around you, swaying you two back and forth.

Rafe's jaw clenched as did his hand that was around his glass of water. "What the hell is he doing with his arms around her?" His eyes narrowed.

Kelce and Topper looked at each other before holding up their fists. 

"Rock, paper, scissors, shoot."

Topper groaned as Kelce whooped with victory. "Tell him, Top."

"JJ and Y/N have been together for like a month and a half now." Topper muttered.

Rafe stared at his two friends. "And you guys didn't tell me?" 

"Well, we didn't think it was important and you seemed to be doing alright finally so we just kind of- Where are you going?!" Kelce asked when he saw Rafe get up from the table and walk out the door.

The two friends looked to where you and JJ were standing only to find you two not there.

They immediately got up, Topper pulling a 50 from his wallet and putting it on the table while screaming a 'keep the change Kiara' as they both ran out.

They watched as Rafe's truck pulled past them and out of The Wrecks parking lot.

"Hey man! You're our ride!" Kelce hollered.

Rafe's hand gripped the steering wheel as he drove, jaw still clenched. He stopped at a stop sign and slammed his hand on the wheel in anger. It was months after your guys break up and Rafe hadn't even looked at another girl the same way he looked at you, let alone thought about getting into a new relationship. But here you were, dating JJ Maybank for a month and a half apparently.

You always had been known as Rafe's girl, even after the break-up. He made it practically impossible for any guy to even think about talking to you because Rafe had the full intention of getting you back. 

But, of course, in classic JJ style, JJ had to steal what was his. Now you were referred to as JJ's girl but Rafe was too high or out of it to notice the change.

He pulled into the driveway of the chateau minutes after you and JJ did, you laughing at something JJ had said as you got out of his truck.  

You heard a car door slam and looked behind you, calling for JJ when you saw an all too familiar vehicle.

JJ came around to stand next to you and his eyes narrowed as Rafe stormed over.

"Im gonna beat you so bad you'll think your daddy did it, Maybank!" 

"Rafe! What the hell are you doing here?" You shouted at your ex.

"I wanna know why the hell I just heard that you're going out with him?!" Rafe stopped right in front of you.

You could feel the rage coming off of Rafe and you opened your mouth to speak but JJ stepped in between you two. 

"I suggest you back the fuck up and move on, Cameron." 

"What's funny is I'm not here for you, JJ. So I suggest you get the fuck out of the way so I can talk to Y/N/N."

JJ narrowed his eyes. "Over my dead body."

Rafe chuckled darkly as he nodded his head slightly. "That can be arranged."

"Rafe, JJ. Stop. This is fucking ridiculous." You pulled JJ back by his upper arm before turning your gaze onto Rafe. "We broke up Rafe. It's time for you to move on."

"No. You don't get to tell me when I should move on, Y/N. You don't get to tell me any of that typical bullshit okay? I already told you all those months ago that you're mine and that hasn't changed." He shot at you.

JJ smirked. "I think it has because now the whole island knows her as JJ's girl. Not Rafe's. JJ's."

Rafe took a step closer. "You watch your mouth, Maybank." 

"Or what? You gonna swing on me? I hope you do so I have a reason for beating you shitless." 

You turned to JJ. "Since you're not helping with this conversation, why don't you help by bringing the food inside." You held out the bag that contained your guys lunch and JJ sighed, taking it.

Not without one last jab at Rafe though by kissing you on the lips right in front of him. You were quick to stop a ready-to-pounce Rafe who went to lunge at JJ, but your boyfriend just smirked at your ex before heading inside.

"I'm gonna kill him." Rafe said, fists clenching.

"No you're not. Why can't you just accept the fact that I'm happy?"

"Because you're happiest when you're with me. Remember saying that to me that one night? When we were walking around at like 2 AM and you just said it out of the blue and then blushed cause it was only a month into our relationship and you didn't mean to say it out loud. You immediately apologized cause it was stupid and corny but I told you it wasn't if it was true and that I felt the same way with you. Remember that, Y/N." His demeanor changed from hostile to soft.

You closed your eyes and pinched the bridge of your nose. "That was before you were snorting lines for breakfast, lunch and dinner. That was before everything changed. Before you changed, Rafe." Rafe looked down at the ground in shame, fiddling with his fingers. "I wish that I tried harder to help you and keep you from where you are now. I wish I hadn't pushed your buttons that day when you told me to get in the truck and that I acted more mature than I did. I also wish I hadn't said the weed comment cause I know how much you can't stand JJ and were insecure because of my friendship with him and I guess you kind of had a right to be considering whats going on between me and him right now. In a way, I kind of egged you on with not letting you talk but that day you grabbed me and yelled at me, that was it. I couldn't stay any longer. That was the first time I ever felt scared of you."

Rafe felt regret and sadness wash over him. "There is absolutely no excuse for the way I grabbed you that day or how I spoke to you. That was wrong of me and I shouldn't have done that no matter how angry I was. I'm so fucking sorry for that. It's one of my biggest regrets." Rafe admitted looking at you. "If I could redo that day, I wouldn't have done any of that. I wouldn't have even gone to Barry's. We would've just gone to the beach like you wanted and then went back to my place for a shower and then watched 50 First Dates because you always watch that movie after a beach day. If I could go back before then, I wouldn't have had that line that started it all and we would've just stayed home from that damn party. " 

You smiled softly. "I appreciate you owning up to your actions, Rafe but that doesn't change anything that's happening right now. I'm not going to break up with JJ just to get back together with you while you're still using. Maybe at some point in the future we'll find our way back to each other but right now, you need to focus on yourself and getting yourself help so you can get better."

Rafe nodded slowly and it was quiet for a minute before he mumbled. "Does he treat you alright?"

"Hmm?"

"Does JJ treat you alright?" He asked a bit louder.

You smiled. "Yeah, he does."

Rafe nodded. "That's-" Rafe felt his voice crack and he cleared his throat. "That's really good, Y/N/N."

You placed your hand on his arm and gave it a squeeze, kind of like how a grandma would. "Take care of yourself, Rafe." Rafe nodded again. "Goodbye, Rafe." You sent him a small sad smile before walking off to the chateau.

Rafe couldn't bring himself to say that though. Instead, he said the one thing he never got to.

"I love you."

~~~~~~~~

[moonlit-imagines]

Headcanons for being Tony Stark’s Daughter (The Intense Years)

Tony Stark x daughter!reader

warnings:

a/n: y/n is 16-17, also ive really never written anything about team iron man so this was weird, someone needs to tell me i dont need every single movie detail in here

prompt: takes place from cacw and smhc

The Early Years (1) The Teenage Years (2) The Aftermath (4) Continued (5)

after the events in sokovia, you set up the relief fund for displaced sokovians and dealt with physical clean up while the avengers...

well, they had to deal with the press—and the governments of the world

getting to know your new suit AI, JOSHUA

briefly looking for bruce; no luck there

you ended up doing the MIT september foundation presentation with tony

and ending the presentation after pepper’s name popped up on the screen

“it’s probably best we get out of here”

you were his entire support system while he was going through his break with pepper

meeting charles spencer’s mother, who really gave your dad a piece of her mind

“my son died, but your daughter gets to live on. if you lost her, maybe you’d show some sympathy for murdering my child”

*awkward silence from you*

*awkward silence from tony otw to the compound*

HATING the sound of the sokovia accords, yet understanding why they’re being ratified

being torn between signing them or not and having a huge argument with the other avengers

“y/n, why dont you listen to your dad for once and sign the damn thing”

“uncle rhodey, you know why i dont want to sign. if they have us, they have access to our suits. you really think the UN should be telling us how to use them?”

“your defense doesn’t even make sense. i had the war machine or iron patriot or whatever the hell you want to call it, but the military was calling the shots”

“and look where you are now”

“right, well i wouldn’t expect a kid to understand”

“are you kidding me, rhodes? you’re gonna play the ‘im older than you’ card?”

comforting wanda while she feared being taken

and as soon as you heard about what happened in lagos

“think about it, maximoff. if you didnt do what you did, do you know how many more casualties there may have been?”

“but i killed innocents”

“no, rumlow killed innocents. you contained that blast better than anyone else could have and you prevented a whole bunch of deaths, give yourself some credit”

okay, so you weren’t the best at talking someone down while they were upset

staying in berlin with your father while the whole bucky thing began to get sorted out

but he sent you out to stay with nat while he had some “private time” with steve

tony keeping you close to him during the power outage at the base

until it turned out you brought your suit and tony did not!

everyone was looking at you to take down bucky, but it just seemed like a bad idea, you didn’t want to hurt him because you didn’t want to hurt steve

stalling to try and buy steve time to subdue his friend

“y/n, come on, for christ sake!”

“got it, dad! i know what im doing!”

“i dont think you do!”

feeling your stomach drop when bucky shot into your dad’s hand, if it wasn’t for his latest invention, he may have gotten seriously hurt

you had a slight change of heart after that, you couldn’t bare to lose your dad. not after all those close calls...

getting yelled at by secretary ross and the wonderful 36 hour ultimatum you, nat, and tony received

“i have a plan”

“don’t say the spider boy”

“fine, i wont say it”

a nice trip to queens :)

when this parker kid finally got home, tony left you to socialize with his aunt

small talk is sometimes unbearable

“so, what’s it like being tony stark’s daughter?”

“honestly? im always tired”

peter becoming a tagalong on your mission, which you didn’t really think was appropriate

“dad, i dont really think we should’ve brought the kid...”

“why? you’re about the same age as him, its not much different”

“um...no, i meant this isnt his battle. i don’t care how old he is”

face off between tony and cap where you literally just swallowed all your pride and apologized because you couldn’t handle the fact that the team was being ripped apart like this

team ups with Spider-Man

“so, uh, do you hate me or something?”

“hey, kid? we’re kind of in the middle of something, i’ll get back to you on that”

“it’s a yes or no question, y/n”

“pass”

so, things didn’t exactly go as planned...

your (former) teammates were taken to the RAFT and you couldn’t pull it together in front of them

they were pretty pissed at you

“im sorry, im so sorry, i should’ve done better”

they ignored you (up until scott lang)

“all you stark’s are the same”

“stay out of this, bugboy”

taking to the remote hydra base in another famous father/daughter teamup

“just like the old days, right kiddo?”

“i guess so”

“hey, cheer up, it’s not all that bad”

waltzing right in there to meet your friend and foe

seeing the video of your grandparents dying

*being killed

absolutely stunned by seeing such a gruesome thing

even after all you’ve seen, this really got to you

you were robbed of ever meeting them, which made you angry, but you couldn’t stay angry because there were so many things out of everyones control

realizing that this was a good time to hold tony back

“JOSHUA, lock down y/n’s suit. protocol: baby gate”

apparently your dad still had some old protocols in your suit that you hadn’t found yet

“JOSHUA? reboot! override protocol: baby gate”

“i’m sorry, miss y/n, but i cannot do that”

watching your father attempt to get revenge

and get critically injured

simultaneously working on opening the suit back up for a bad plan

finally getting the emergency release and stumbling out of your suit, rushing towards the conflict and throwing yourself in the middle of it

“please, dad. enough damage has been done.”

“y/n, get out of the way”

he saw you shaking and crying and he realized what he was doing

attacking the only family you guys really had

getting shoved out of the way so that they could end this fight once and for all

JOSHUA finally rebooting and bringing the suit over to shield you while you helplessly watched the end of this fight

when bucky and steve left, your suit disarmed and you crouched down beside your father

“come on, let’s just go home”

“im sorry”

“i know, it’s okay”

trying to comfort your dad after his defeat

you picked up cap’s shield and returned to your suit, it was time to go home

after a brief time of recovery (while you helped work on uncle rhodey’s prototype prosthetics), there was a slight change of plans for you

“okay, so for your punishment after what you pulled during my...divorce with cap, you’re going to babysit the spiderling so you gain some perspective”

“hold on, what?! what do you mean ‘perspective?’”

“i mean you dont know what it’s like to be in charge of the life of a teenager, so now you get to find out! congratulations on your promotion!”

it was not fun at all because peter kept blowing up your phone and you kept having to tell him there was nothing for him to do

Y/N: I’ll let you know when there’s a spider-level threat, kapeesh?

P. Parker: Yes, ma’am, sorry.

peter going behind your back to do some “superhero work”

and you having to swoop in to fix everything last second

“come on, you stole my thunder, y/n!”

“no, peter, i saved your life. next time you have a lead, call me first”

and then he didn’t 😌✨💕

“Y/N, incoming call from ‘big fat meanie’”

“put him through, JOSHIE...hey dad, how’s dubai?”

“taking care of a kid is harder than it looks, isn’t it?”

“don’t start with me”

damage control ahahah 🤡

“peter, why cant you just call me in? you don’t stop texting me for months but for this you go radio silent? you almost died. and you put a bunch of lives in danger! do you want me to have to go to your aunt and tell her you died?”

“im sorry! i just...i dont want to be a sidekick”

“kid, you’re gonna have a long time to make a name for yourself...but not if you’re dead!”

he started crying and you were very uncomfortable so you tried to hug him? it helped.

letting him off easy (just like your dad did to you growing up)

but apparently tony came back and took the suit anyways and you were pretty pissed about it

avengers moving day :) yes, part of your punishment was helping happy with moving day and hearing him gush about how you were “growing into such a responsible adult”

“happy i dont know if you noticed but ive basically been an adult since i was 12”

“keep telling yourself that, kiddo”

seeing an explosion and immediately knowing it was peter

“i’ll see you later, happy, love you!”

investigating the crash site and whaddaya know, there’s peter and his first bad guy, you were kind of proud

“peter, you okay?”

“nope!”

“okay, cool”

more damage control lmao (a/n: yall sick of damage control yet?)

a congratulatory call from your dad

“hey! you did pretty good, all things considered. why don’t you take the kid to the avengers compound for his special surprise?”

“aye aye, see you soon.”

“love you, kiddo”

“you too, dad”

quick fast forward to peter rejecting the position as an avenger while the press was outside, yes, you were surprised

but then your dad finally proposed to pepper, it was a pretty cool engagement announcement

“y/n, will you be my maid of honor?”

“duh!”

happily ever after (a/n: until the next part is up)

[juwon-ah-moved]

i was just outed recently too and i just want to say i understand ❤️ its this just overwhelming sense of violation and ive been upset and thinking about it since i found out. it almost feels like, even if the person is accepting, theyll never see you as who you are. like, the person i was outed to seems accepting but all i can think about is the fact that someone else told her and now she thinks im either a coward or invalid. anyways i just wanted to say people are here for you if you need it ❤️ if you need to talk i will readily come off anon

hey friend 💙 i am so sorry that happened to you, it really sucks. and it hurts so much. i think it's also the fact that they're taking away your chance to choose. to choose how and who to tell and if you wanna tell. and i also think cishet people would agree with us that being deprived of the freedom to choose is awful, especially when it's about something important to you. but for some reason when it comes to this, they think it's no big deal and they have a right to tell our business to whoever they please. not only that, i feel like if we get angry or at least are like, hey this isn't cool, can you not do it? they start thinking that we're ashamed and don't want anyone to know ever. but it's not like that! we just want to be the ones who have control. it's our life, our identity. they don't realize that them knowing we're not cishet gives them so much power to hurt us. well, sometimes they do and they do it on purpose. but a lot of the time they just... are so frustratingly ignorant to how much power they hold over us simply by knowing this small but often important part of who we are. if only they stopped and considered our feelings and our safety, or listened to us, they'd maybe be a bit more careful. all it takes is asking us, "are you okay with me telling this person?". it's really easy, which makes the whole thing even more infuriating bc it feels like they don't even do the bare minimum. and they really do not think of the dangers of outing someone.

anyway sorry i went on a rant. but thank you so much 💕 and you don't have to come off anon if you don't want to! but if you do want to talk, about this or anything else, even just a lighthearted chat, my dms and askbox are open. i am always happy to make friends. and this offer is valid now, but also anytime in the future. i am here!

have a good day or night and take care 💙

[princeanxious]

Trust is a Fragile, Fickle Demon.

Pairing: Analogical

Fandom: Sanders sides

Warnings: hurt/comfort, happy ending, mentions of childhood trauma, mentions of mental abuse, mentions of abusive parent, mentioned of past betrayed trust, trust issues, let me know if i missed anything!

Wordcount: 1.9k words

(A/n): this is sort of a short one, idk that im very proud of it, its written a little differently than I normally write so let me know if ya’ll like it? I tried!

Trust was something earned, gained, given, not expected. At least, to Logan, thats how it’d always been. The omega had learned young the mistake of trusting anyone so readily, a freely given token of connection that only served to hurt him in the long run.

Even now, Logan was aware his upbringing had been slightly rougher than his common peers. His therapists all readily, or subtly, pointed out that his alcoholic alpha of a single father who never should have been a parent to begin with was undoubtedly the root cause of many of his issues.

First of all of them was the lasting trauma of the emotional abuse he’d endured as a child and teenager. Never smart enough, never quiet enough, never clean enough. He was never enough, he was never going to be enough. He was a weak, broken, and useless omega in his father's eyes, and would never amount to anything more. And while he never wanted to believe it, often said he never believed any of it, he could only confidently say he didn’t truly believe even just part of it by the time he was 23.

Another was that he’d never been given any freedom to do as he pleased when he was younger. He never got to visit friends or do anything more fun than read at the library(and boy did he read any chance that he got back then). His first real social outing was when Roman, his then longtime college roommate and current best friend, had playfully offered for him to come join him to go buy icecream at midnight. But, that story is better saved for a different time.

All you need to know is that, that midnight ice cream became a bi-weekly routine, and the other omega learned more about Logan than he thought he’d ever get out of the closed off nerd that night. Perhaps one could even go so far to say that Roman was the reason Logan ever even dared to go to a therapist in the first place.

Logan had become very stunted from the childhood neglect he’d endured. Omegas had many self-soothing mannerisms built into their primal instincts to comfort themselves when stressed, like purring when upset(was well as when happy or content!) and nesting to decompress or hide in a safe zone when stressed. And well, Logan had pretty much stifled his purring by the time he was 14, and.. Completely stopped nesting by the time he was 9.

There had been no point, and both had become increasingly dangerous to do as he grew older. Anytime his father caught him purring, the Alpha would berate him for being ungrateful, seeing it as a weakness. And no matter how well he’d try to hide his safety nests, his father would inevitably find them and destroy them. Far too many afternoons were ruined when he came home to find his father in a drunken stupor and his newest safe haven wrecked beyond repair, and stinking to high heaven of alcohol and aggressive, angry alpha pheromones.

So he gave up. He gave up trying to make the nests in hopes for comfort, in hopes for a safe haven to hide away. The longest he’d gotten was hiding away in his closet for periods of a time before his father decided it didn’t deserve a closeable door anymore.

Roman had been horrified, and promptly dragged the other omega into his own nest in distress. They spent hours like that, Logan sobbing and tucked up tenderly into Roman’s protective embrace as the omega purred and crooned comfortingly enough for the both of them.

It would be Roman to encourage Logan to begin nesting again. They’d made a whole day out of it, going out and buying brand new nesting materials along with comfort food and rented movies. Slowly but surely, Logan rebuilt his nest for the first time in a little over 10 years, and he was in heaven. And day by day, every time he came home to it intact and undisturbed, Logan’s psyche was assured just a little more that the nest was safe, that he was finally safe.

And no one could really be surprised that Logan became viscerally protective of his nest, even more so than the average omega, at that. The first time they realized this, one of their mutual friends, a beta named Patton, had suddenly come close to his nest in excitement over the new addition. Logan had snarled loudly and aggressively before he’d even processed moving to guard his nest from the approaching threat. When Patton had taken multiple careful steps back in shock, Logan finally snapped out of the defensive mindset and realized what had happened. He’d apologized profusely, and was quick to try and make amends.

Patton understood the justified reaction after some light explanation and waved off the apologies immediately. Logan, though mortified at his own surprising lapse in control, was grateful that there had at least been no hard feelings in the end.

Safe to say, their friend group and subsequently any new friends made in the future would be warned, “Don’t approach, or touch, Logan’s nest.” And it was fine. Things were even looking up, Logan had started truly healing, and trusting people started to become a little less difficult!

So it would really come as a surprise to everyone, let alone Logan himself, when he started developing a small crush on the kind and patient(if a little anxious) Alpha who nearly daily visited the library Lo worked at to study. It was an honest shock, but, perhaps it wasn’t the worst thing in the world..?

Logan had never seriously considered dating another until Virgil came around, and the prospect of dating an alpha was frankly terrifying. But, Virgil was nice, he was caring and gentle with him, and yet unwaveringly respectful. He’d listen to Logan ramble about stars for hours and never interrupt him, only asking questions when Logan’s voice lulled or allowed him to speak. Virgil encouraged this, wanting Logan to open up and ramble and talk without fear of being shut down.

Roman had told Logan it was obvious Virgil was crushing hard on Logan, that they both had it bad for one another it seemed. Of course, nothing had to come of it if Logan didn’t want it to! But the thing was, he did. He did want something to come of it, if at the very least they could just remain friends.

It took a few more months, but Virgil eventually worked up enough confidence to ask Logan out, and the unwavering, almost immediate ‘Yes,’ had almost taken Virgil off guard. They wouldn’t share their first kiss for another few weeks, but neither of them minded.

Virgil slowly but surely was given the whole story, and expressed his own quiet outrage in the form of promising to never let that happen again, nor let Logan’s father near him again. It was a protective sentiment that almost scared Logan, but the protectiveness was born out of love and compassion, not selfishness and hate. So he let it slide, and contently tucked himself into Virgil’s warm embrace with a soft “thank you,” and the first very soft but very happy purr that he’d let out in years.

This alpha, he’d find him telling himself a year and a half into their relationship, this alpha was the one that would be allowed into his nest.

It didn’t bother Virgil personally, that he wasn’t allowed into his omega’s nest. No one was allowed near the nest except him, and even then he still got growled at plenty. He was completely aware that Logan had a deep instinctual fear of the destruction of his nest, sewn by the only parent he’d had growing up doing just that out of malice. Logan had made strides in his journey of healing though. The omega was confident in himself, and refused to be pushed aside or spoken over. Logan was highly independent, even during his heats, which made Virgil feel all the more love for him to be let into his omegas life.

Logan wasn’t dependent on him like society demanded he be, and Virgil didn’t mind in the slightest, because he knew Logan. He loved this omega and knew said omega loved him back. That was all that mattered to either of them.

It took another half a year before Logan finally tried breaking down some of his protective walls over his nest. He was tired, so tired of the separation. Having Virgil's scent heavily entwined with objects in his nest wasn’t enough anymore. At two years into their relationship, Logan’s instincts didn't feel the need to growl at Virgil for being near his nest anymore. He wanted Virgil in his nest, and that thought was jarring to realize.

And when he’d brought it up, Virgil had been quick to assure him that he didn’t have to force himself to let Virgil in, that Logan’s safe space was sacred and he never wanted Logan to feel pressured by anything to let him in.

Perhaps Logan kissed him soundly after that, and was reminded just how much he really loved Virgil. Virgil's insistence for Logan's comfort coming first only made him want to pull his alpha into his nest that much more.

But still, he agreed to take it slowly. Every day, Virgil would scoot a little closer to the edge of the nest, would hold Logan’s hand and stroke his hair, even sometimes daring to slowly lean over and kiss him with prior warning.

It took a full week to really prove to Virgil during their progress that they were ready to take this next step, that Logan truly and fully trusted Virgil and wanted him in his nest.

And when it finally happened, they’d made a little date out of the occasion, setting up snacks and candy, ordering take out and lining up a few documentaries to watch on Virgil’s laptop, getting into their nightclothes.

Virgil had been beyond nervous, and Logan understood why. They managed to soothe each other as everything fell into place, and Logan carefully walked Virgil step by step into his nest. With careful movements, they sat down and Virgil let himself be carefully arranged as he was leaned back into the nest. It took a second for Logan to finish tucking things against Virgil and pull a weighted comforter over them before he finally settled himself onto Virgil’s chest.

Despite their original nervousness towards the idea, everything felt right, now. Logan felt so unbelievably safe now that he was tucked into his alpha’s arms within the cocoon of his nest. It was amazing in its own right. And it takes Virgil chuckling lovingly for Logan to notice just how content they both are.

“You’re purring like crazy, L,” he murmurs with a smile, running his fingers up and down Logan’s rumbling back, “If you’re not careful you might fall asleep before we even get through the first documentary.” Logan just grins back, tilting his head to peck Virgil on the cheek.

“I see no downside to that, V, considering I’ll be falling asleep in my alpha’s safe embrace. What more could I ever want?”

Virgil flusters and hides his face in Logan’s hair as the omega laughs, hugging the other closer. Logan eventually does fall asleep in the middle of the second documentary, cuddled close and relaxed.

And really, there was no other place Logan would rather be.

[rwbybutincorrect]

So... why do you hate Victorious so much?

BECAUSE I STILL WATCH IT???????? the show sucks so much, tori is a horrible protagonist who is a terrible person and does not learn or grow or really deserve anything she gets. she doesn’t even know half the BASIC THINGS upon coming to the school for performing arts idont remember what it was called. 

she is a HORRIBLE SISTER who treats trina so mean and like I GET BEING MEAN TO YOUR SIBLINGS BUT AT THE SAME TIME THERES LIKE NO REDEMPTION ON HER HALF LIKE AT LEAST TRINA HAS HER MOMENTS WHERE SHE SHOWS SHE CARES ABOUT TORI AND ACTS LIKE SHE CARES ABOUT HER BUT TORIS JUST LIKE “damn right” i hate them

and then dont even get me started on that stupid ass nerd boy who uses a puppet to be misogynistic and harrass women!! “rex why would you say that” SHUT UP NERDB OY YOU SAID IT YOURE A VANTRILIQUIEST STUPID IDIOT MAN BOY IDIOT ugh

anyway theres also that canadian boy who had no character besides being hot and rebellious that guy was an idiot (no offence canadians) hes just so useless as a character because all he does is just have girlfriend and be useless (but knows how to drive) idiot oh my god idiot god i hate him

andre and jade were kind of good i like those two 

(EDITING NOTE ACTUALLY WASNT ANDRE LIKE WEIRDLY LIKE LIKE ALSO LOWKEY MYSOGYNISTIC LIKE AT ONE POINT TORI WAS LIKE “pretend im jade :3″ and he was like “oh my gohg. i going to kiss you without your consent” AND SHE WAS LIKE “AAAH” AND HE WAS LIKE “AHH I DONT KNOW WHAT CAME OVER ME” damn even the good ones have their L’s theres no redeemable people here)

BUT I AM CONSTANTLY ANNOYED WITH HOW THEY TREAT CAT. CAT IS TREATED SO BADLY THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE SHOW andh er obviously abusive situation at home is played off like jokes and its like “UMM??? ARE WE GOING TO ADDRESS THIS??? ARE WE GOING TO IGNORE HER OBVIOUS CRIES FOR HELP” SHE CONSTANTLY TALKS ABOUT HOW HER BROTHER SCARES HER AND SHE HIDES “TO SURVIVE” AND BECAUSE SHE HAS THAT SWEET HIGH PITCHED VOICE SHES SO INNOCENT AND STUPID AND WE HATE HER UGAHPEHRAPHRWPRHHG cat is so charming and shes treated so badly with whatever she has going on i m so mad im so upset with how they treat her 

AND DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED WITH TORI AND TRINAS PARENTS OH MY GOD THE MOST NEGLECTFUL PARENTS OF THE YEAR AWARD they are NEVER there despite the fact that their kids are CONSTANTLY going off on probably dangerous situations APPARENTLY ACCORDING TO MY BROTHER ALL OF THE MAIN CHARACTERS WENT TO JAIL???? AND WHERE WERE THEIR PARENTS?? THEY HAVE NO PARENTS Im so mad im so angry their parents are so neglectful like when trina had her wisdon teeth removed they said “okay we goin to hAWWIII” SHUT UP YOU DITIO PARENTS YOURE SO CRUEL I THATE YOU 

remember that time a teacher held a sleep over with his students and if they broke acting character THEY FAILED THE ASSIGNMENT DAWG A CHILD GOT BURNED ON YOUR SUPERVISION AND YOU SAID “IF YA BREAK CHARACTER YOU LOOSE THE ASSISGNMENT” SFHSFHAHFF I HAFSKHFF SHE AHFHFBAHFFF i need a minute im getting adrenaline from my rage  hold on i need to eat my cookies

[eats cookies]

WHY WERE THEIR PHONES SHAPED LIKE PEARS there was also this once scene where cat made brownies and they were OBVIOUSLY LITTLE DEBBYS COSMIC BROWNIES yet tori was like “you never eat my brownies :(” to her exboyfriend now dating cat and hes like “hbrrbrhuububububu” and its like THSOE ARENT BROWNIES THOSE ARE ARTIFICIAL AS HELL THATS A COSMIC BROWNIE i feel violent 

the episode where they crossed over with icarly was pretty good ig because sam and cat wasn’t bad as long as cat was appreciated because sam and cat both come from terrible households and now they’re dating ig guess??? goo dfro them :3

jade is done so dirty shes seen as selfish for being ambitious and wanting to succeed and have people be proud of HER ACCOMPLISHMENTS??? wasn’t there that one point where jade was performing her dark play that was entirely written by herself and performed by herself and none of her friends wanted to support her despite the fact that MORE OR LESS SHE IS ALMOST ALWAYS AROUND EVEN IF SHE DOESNT WANT TO BE LIKE SOMETIMES SHE OPTS OUT BUT LIKE SHES PRESENT??? BUT OYU GUYS CANT JUST KEEP DISREGARDING HER AND NOT LETTING HER SUCCEED JUST BECAUSE SHES A LIIIITOL PETTY all you bitches are petty be a little police to this GAY PERSON jesus christmas okay 

anyway dont take this too seriously, i legitimately dont care, to only reason i say “i hate victorious” so much is because its annoying how much nostalgia and sentimental attachment i have to it despite it being a show made by a terrible person and and a show that is just generally like. dumb. i think. i dont think its going to win any awards but whatever. it was a huge ploy to get victoria justice’s but mostly ariana grande’s singing careers off the ground i just think about this show with red anger glasses i dont mean to like. insult anyone or be mean to people who genuinely do care about this show because honestly i dont. i honestly could care less. i am just saying words because words are coming out of my brain and i need to say them or i will explode but this time i get to say them in front of a thousand + people so read this thank you

OH BUT STAN THIS SCENE 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d5sGxCpf7ns