#because i was like 'oh they don't know i'm having a medical problem rn... i don't wanna be rude'

[crj-200]

nightmare low blood sugar situation neutralized

[swaglet]

hi i’m a mutual who’s like fighting hard to not relapse rn. i just moved out and like i just haven’t been eating bc i don’t have my mom to tell me to and my friends up here don’t know about my issues which im not sure they’d believe me bc im currently overweight anyways

anon don't do it do Not do it don't relapse. i'm sorry if all the posting about it lately has brought it to the front of ur mind. but seriously no amount of starving will ever achieve any type of feeling or body shape that will offer enough relief unfortunately. it will go on forever n it will slowly kill u im so serious. if i didnt starve myself i probably wouldnt have had to get my gallbladder removed because of the damage and could have just taken medicine that dissolved the stones, my heart probably would have been healthy and strong enough to withstand covid and i wouldnt have developed a hole in one of my valves from it. i was super healthy as a kid, i probably wouldnt have developed stomach issues or joint problems to the severity i have if i hadnt starved myself. im 22 turning 23 in a few months and all my doctors are like "youre just too young for all this to be going on! this sucks!" and when i retroactively mentioned the whole starving myself thing and being severely underweight for a long time they all were like oh thatll do it. chasing an underweight bmi and an ideal i couldnt fit all for nothing in the end, because it didnt even ever make me feel any better, it never made me feel relief, it never made me feel free from the situations i was in that i thought i could escape through the means of starvation, i never felt protected by it. i promise you it is so not worth it.

if i'm honest with you girl, in the long run, it doesn't matter that you're overweight. if it makes u feel any better and like ur not alone, i'm also currently overweight being in the 150s, and even though i really want to make some sort of comment about it, i'm not going to because it's just a neutral thing about my body. it's just the way my body is using the nutrients i'm putting in and reacting to the energy i'm expending right now, in addition to how it's reacting to my medications. whether or not i'm upset with myself or proud of myself at the moment, i have to accept that i'm just living my life rn and life will go on no matter how much i weigh, and my weight is just background information in the story of my life. if i want to change it, i can. if i want to not look the way i do right now, if i want to build more muscle and get rid of a little excess body fat, i can do that by slowly changing some things little by little. i can lift a pair of dumbells 10 times each morning and jog up and down the street, or even jog in place. i can make a smoothie with my protein and add some creatine to it and get into a routine of doing that every morning. even if i just do that, and only that, and nothing else, that's still a step towards changing the thing i don't like about myself as long as i do it consistently.... which is better than what i would have been doing when i was starving myself, because i'd starve for days and days and days and then eat enough for 3 grown men and feel so sick 24/7.

if being overweight concerns you enough, and you have access to a primary care physician that's affordable, you can always bring it up to them and talk to them about your concerns. it may not always bring about the best result, especially if you have a male doctor instead of a female one, but i recently mentioned this at my yearly checkup (about 8 months ago i was 130 pounds, and i put on 20ish pounds in the span of those 8 months and i can't tell if it's muscle or fat redistribution/gain from birth control or both so i thought i would bring it up) and he said all my blood tests look as normal as ever but that he'll monitor it with me while i get back to a normal workout schedule that doesn't aggravate my joint pain.

also, don't be too afraid to open up to your friends; if they don't believe you, then those may not be friends you want to have around in the first place anyway... but hopefully they do believe you. i wish u luck and i believe in u. when it's too hard for me to bring myself to eat something, i keep a mini fridge full of nutritious drinks in my room like Naked Rainbow Machines and Fairlife Strawberry Milk (With Protein) and other fuckass shit like chobani yogurt smoothies

thank u for reaching out to me and opening up... i'm proud of u nonnie u got this

[lukewarmsoapytoast]

UGH the URGE to just spam this acc with angst writing is INSANE. Sadly, I haven’t written a full-length read in a while, I’ve had college classes in the mornings and I get busy in the afternoons. So, my point is, HERE’S SOME QUOTES I CAME UP WITH OR WANT TO USE‼️‼️

Please only reuse w/ credit!

Most of these taken from irl because it was funny 😭

LET ME KNOW YOUR OPINIONS AND WHAT YOU WANT TO SEE WHAT QUOTES AND SUCH IN!!!

Quotes

•

"Of course you do, and you’re going to regret those bad decisions in the morning when you’re sober."

“What morning?”

•

“You ignore my requests like they’re food allergies at a foreign restaurant and you wonder why I wanna hang out with girls more.”

•

“I wish I could love you, too.”

•

“It’s because I’m in love with you.”

“Because you wha—oh my god, it all makes sense now.”

•

"Alright, alright, I’ll tell you. But you can't laugh, okay? Promise me you’ll listen without judgment."

“I mean unless you say that you managed to kill a god, I won’t laugh.”

“Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence.”

•

“My love…You— You know there isn’t any recovering from this, the medics won’t arrive in time, I-I’ll die. I deserve to be made fun of for being that stupid, but I don’t regret my choice…saving you was my goal overall in life, my purpose, and I succeeded..I can die happy, but you need to let me go, first.”

•

“And how am I supposed to believe you, huh? You wanna bring that fucking whore in to confirm that you still love me? That you regret fucking her over and over, and over, repeatedly, on our own damn bed??”

“[First Name], I—”

“It’s [Last Name] now, that’s what you’ll be referring to me as. No more pet names, no more first name. Goodbye, find somebody else to manipulate.”

•

“Dude, you literally shot me.”

“I was beat as a child, do you hate me, do you want me dead, I know you do, I understand—”

•

“I have a penis and it isn’t mine. ☺️”

“Uhh, what?”

“You heard me.”

“Where r u rn??”

“I’m w ur mom”

“Bruh”

“The party you told me not to go to.”

“Omw.”

•

“If you could have any superpower, what would it be?”

“😈”

“Uh oh? Please tell me you haven’t written an essay about this already and I happened to send that around the time you finished it.”

“I think I'd have the ability to persuade people. It's nothing special but imagine how much success you could end up having and also how many people you could befriend. I like having friends. ALSO you can stop any wars with just a "Stop pretty pls 🥺👉👈" like it's the best superpower. You could save the world with it basically, screw pollution”

“Dear god, keep going. I’m interested.”

“People who wanna fly are confusing, like, go skydiving or something like that, pull a hiccup from HTTYD. And why obtain invisibility when you can just tell people you aren’t there?”

“Wait, you’ve got a point.”

“Somebody asking why we’re stalking them? Hit them with the ‘NUH UH! I’M NOT EVEN HERE, BABY! I’M A HALLUCINATION!’. That’ll win.”

“Oh my god you’re onto something.”

“Someone trying to end the world? Nope. ‘Pretty pls be a good person 🥺’ them.”

“How long have you been thinking about this?”

“Since you asked.”

“YOU THOUGHT THAT UP THAT QUICKLY???”

•

"What if he thinks I'm being dense?"

"Then he'll stop liking you. Problem solved."

Ideas

•

When they're constantly assuring as they lay dying, "I'm fine, I'll be okay, don't worry about me, l'll live." But their final words, whispered, barely audible,

"I don't want to die."

•

“I’ll be there for you”, “I’m sorry”, “I love you”, over and over again. “don’t hurt yourself”, “We need a break”, “I need you”, All of this, but you never mean it. Never. Not when I need you, your mistakes are a record on loop, your love is as present as my father. You don’t care if I hurt myself, especially because you hurt me. Can this break last forever? You need me to do as you say, you don’t need me there.

•

If HS!Gojo had a crush he’d confess like this:

(Texting)

“Let’s go on a date, do you like sex? Lol. <3”

•

Chr picks up a completely dry and closed jar of salsa.

“Salsaaaa…”

Something drips on their toe.

“Is…Is it wet?”

Frantically checking the jar for water droplets or cracks. Nothing.

“Excuse me???”

Confused.

“WHY???”

Concerned.

•

Father telling small adopted demon child to stay behind while they search for a plushie.

"Perhaps you should stay here, honey. This is no place for a child anyways. I'm sure we don't want you getting kidnapped by some kind of murderer, do we?"

"👹" Foaming at the mouth.

"Dear god, what have I done?"

•

Two characters arguing in a group chat over who’s hotter and it turns into an argument over who would be a better boyfriend to you. This is how you make your grand entrance.

“What did I just stumble upon at this very unfortunate hour. I wish to die.”

[a-mess-of-a-crow]

Dream time?

I had the most bonkers dream of all time.

(i take medication for sleep problems, they have the side effect of either giving you nightmares or smexy dreams, i have neither of them, but this time it was absolutely long and bonkers)

And i normally have very bonker dreams.

So i was in school, in the PE hall, playing with soccer balls or whatever. And somehow i got pretty mad.

I went back to the main building cuz it was lunch time and one of the students said that my pet inguana lizardwas thrown out of the school day care because there were so many animals. And that they let it run freee for some reason!

I talked to the student that I'm at least glad that they didn't put it to sleep or butchered it.

So anyway i looked for it and it was running around in a translucent plastic egg, the ones from Kinder Chocolate but like big and translucent.

I got it, but then i was a completely different person who was like a body morpher and could turn into anything. And i was outside.

I had siblings who were also kinda body morpher but they decided to be Len and Rin. For whatever reason.

So anyway, i had some body morpher parents who discovered a giant cave entrance that was sealed with metal doors and shit, and behind it was rocks. But my parents found out that there was a big hollow room behind it, and decided to break it open. But by doing so they released a terrible white gooey monster with a lot of holes, but it didn't leave the cave.

The cave was kinda like a lab, and then some guy spoke to them through a screen on the side mocking them about not being able to defeat it.

Anyway my parents gave up and sealed the cave again but they knew the monster was unleashed basically.

While they were fighting, me, Len and Rin were going around the campus of the school, looking at fences and how to escape school bills by making a ghillie suit and not having to pay school fees.

Oh and they we wanted to know what i would be for anime con, since i looked like a fusion of rin and len and then len said he doesn't wanna be himself this time and i got to morph into a tinier version of len, since the both of them were older than me.

There was a bunch of animal stuff too, like following a Blackbird who wanted to just go in a line to find it's family, but that stuff is unimportant rn.

Anyway i went to the cave and opened it, got sucked inside and it was like a whirlwind in there, there were various weird mechanisms that shut the guy from the outside or something and while being flung around, i opened it on accident. I came into the control center or something and the guy was just sitting there in a chair and screamed at me.

He was stuck in there from the past, and since i was from the future, he aged quickly and then because he wanted me to leave, ordered the monster to disappear.

So then i got flung out again, and saw my parents just stand there, they grabbed me and put me in a small plastic basket as a jail. They put rin and len in there too.

But then they were happy that i got rid of the monster and gave me some weird sugary stuff in the form of a little plastic tube, like the cat snacks

And we ate a bunch of sweets together on a tiny table.

I don't know what the fuck that dream was.

Sorry if the writing is shit i just wanted to write it down quickly before i forgot again.

@deargodhelpmeaaa you wanted dream stuff right?

Edit: i forgot to add that when len and rin and me were walking around the campus we also discovered the places where you have to pay the fees and also a few stores. And a building that apparently had confidential papers, but the bloody thing was made out of glass. it was shelves full of books with chairs directly next to it but it was just sealed with glass. Kinda like this but like realistic. What am i saying none of this is realistic

Edit edit: My siblings also wanted to teach me shuffling. And other dances. I don't fucking know why

[dausy]

Think I'm in a lazy phase where I have free time and don't know what to do with myself and then I just don't feel like doing anything. I have a One Line A Day book where you journal what you did that day briefly and boy had I not touched in a month and didn't document much elsewhere for me to remember what I've done to fill it in.

I'm ignoring my youtube even though I filmed stuff, I just don't feel like editing.

My back hurts, my stomach hurts, my head usually hurts in-between and I feel sleepy and fatigued even though I have no issues sleeping. My hair quit falling out though. I don't know if I just had a huge hormone shift or what. For a while I was really concerned about the hair falling out in chunks. I went ahead and rescheduled my doctors appointment. She said she wanted to follow up ages ago and I never went. I just dont know what to say other than the above. I don't feel like I eat terribly and I dont want to take medication. I'm just getting old.

My husbands immediate family are having some issues, some health problems and then he's stressed out with retirement. He has had a couple job interviews and job opportunities, so its not like he's unhirable. But its still just stressful and we're looking at the cost of living of everything and life just seems unfair when it seems like we should be walking on easy street. No reason why an experienced RN and a 20year retired military vet shouldn't be able to have any stereotypical American white-picket-fence home of choosing but lord its bleak out there.

I finished FF16 and I was impressed with its beginning, but it was just super short and the farted and sizzled its way out on its way to finish. Overall feeling was "meh". I plan to get Visions of Mana at the end of the month. So heres to hoping.

I did read The September House because I was in a spoopy mood. I've barely read anything this year. I read that really fast. Kinda enjoyed it. I really want to decorate for Halloween but we will be moving so we don't get one this year.

I'm enjoying threads for my short sentence social media posting. I actually get lots of interaction on it.

oh and I took my exam for my CAPM cert. Studying for that was filling in a lot of my free time and now its finished. Exam was definitely easier, like I had hoped. I had a feeling all the studying and practice exams were going to be really hard and then the real exam would seem simple in comparison and I was correct. Seriously considering doing a career shift and starting in an entry level position to utilize this cert but change in scary. But otherwise it was just something "fun" to do because I enjoy stationery and being a student. I used all the pretty pens and notebooks.

anywho, think we are driving back to Phoenix in a few weeks to visit my husbands family since they arent doing to well. We may go to the grand canyon. And then my mom and MiL are flying down to visit for my husbands retirement ceremony. My husbands been turning in his army gear. We have to go get living wills made while its free to us. I applied for a government job and I'm updating my resumes and linked in.

Just goin with the flow.

[tea-earl-grey]

character ask game: seven of nine and b'elenna torres

from this ask game

thanks for asking! since i'm procrastinating anyways i'm just gonna go through all the questions and put a cut because uh. this will be long :)

Seven of Nine:

1. Why do you like or dislike this character?

I'm always obsessed with characters struggling with humanity/personhood and Seven is the character to me that best exemplifies that struggle in addition to having so many complex narratives about trauma and guilt that are surprisingly well explored despite Voyager's tendency to avoid any serialized elements. plus Jeri Ryan's acting really sells it.

2. Favorite canon thing about this character?

her autistic swag. no but actually her bluntness and willingness to challenge others (particularly Janeway) is really refreshing and adds some great conflict to Voyager.

3. Least favorite canon thing about this character?

going to cop out and say the costuming lmao. it bothers me so fucking much and in my head Seven's been wearing science blues on Voyager since s4.

4. If you could put this character in any other media, be it a book, a movie, anything, what would you put them in?

i think Seven in any Doctor Who media would be really fascinating maybe specifically paired with the Eighth or Ninth Doctor? i think a lot of her problems around guilt and inhumanity are thoroughly explored in Doctor Who but she would also challenge the Doctor well when it comes to violence and whether the ends justify the means.

5. What's the first song that comes to mind when you think about them?

Machine by Regina Spektor

6. What's something you have in common with this character?

a fear of intimacy and insecurity about letting people around you know the real me... oh dear. on a more uplifting side, all of Seven's interactions with Tuvok really remind me of me and my dad. autism for the win.

7. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you like?

idk how widespread it is but i love thinking of Seven as a physically disabled character and her post-Voyager having to navigate medical systems that are openly hostile (if not downright dangerous) and her eventually finding that it's easier to be in pain and patch injuries together by herself than trusting others.

8. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you despise?

hmmm i don't think this is true on tumblr rn but i've read some older fic and posts that just comes off as weirdly infantilizing just because she isn't great with social interactions. (it's also just a larger problem of infantilizing neurodivergent coded characters).

9. Could you be roommates with this character?

tbh yeah? i think Seven might get annoyed at my tendency to leave clutter around and i might get annoyed at her tendency to mess around with things without telling people but i think we could pretty easily agree on boundaries and stick to them.

10. Could you be best friends with this character?

i would love to try but realistically i think both of us are too wary of social situations to actually be close friends.

11. Would you date this character?

if Seven asked me on a date then i would say yes but also i'm arospec and Seven has way too many relationship issues going on so that would not last.

12. What's a headcanon you have for this character?

Seven cut off all contact with Voyager's crew after Icheb died because of her guilt over his death except for Naomi who she sent a message to on every birthday.

13. What's an emoji, an emoticon and/or any symbol that reminds you of this character or you think the character would use a lot?

gonna be honest the last thing i associate with Seven are emojis so... none?

14. Assign a fashion aesthetic to this character.

maybe a bit predictable but i would love a steampunk redesign of Seven.

15. What's your favorite ship for this character? (Doesn't matter if it's canon or not.)

Seven/Raffi!! they have a great combination of being actually cute and having tons of unresolved conflict and some parallels (i.e. Seven accidentally causing her sort-of-son's death because she tried to be in an intimate relationship vs Raffi pushing her son away because she was too focused on her career and Doing the Right Thing). i really wish their relationship was a bigger part of Picard (particularly s3) and we didn't keep having them break-up offscreen and then ambiguously get back together like their relationship felt like such an afterthought and i realllllly hope we get some show or movie or even a book where Seven and Raffi get to be lead characters together.

16. What's your least favorite ship for this character?

Seven/Shaw is one of my few hated ships. if you like it then sure whatever i don't really care but i'm incredibly uninterested in shipping characters where one repeatedly deadnames the other and is just generally rude and dismissive. i actually really like their canon dynamic, i think Shaw is a great semi-antagonist for Seven with good narrative purpose and i dig the begrudging respect he eventually has for her but I Do Not ship it.

17. What's a ship for this character you don't hate but it's not your favorite that you're fine with?

Seven/B'Elanna. it's not something i really picked up on watching voyager and i'm not super interested in it but i definitely see how it could work and be a good dynamic! i'm not a b7 shipper but i support their beliefs.

18. How about a relationship they have in canon with another character that you admire?

admire is a strong word (and tbh i don't think i admire any of Seven's relationships, she's an absolute mess on that front) but i'm fascinated by Janeway and Seven's relationship. it was obviously written to be a mentor & student dynamic but so much of it is fucked up in a really compelling way (with some strong sapphic vibes going on) with Janeway essentially forcing Seven to be human and presuming to know who Seven should be and then acting surprised when Seven isn't her perfect protege (even echoing the control the Borg Queen has over the Collective. sorry i just watched Dark Frontier the other day so that's fresh in my mind). i would die to see them have a scene in Picard era because there's just so much to get into.

19. How about a relationship they have in canon that you don't like?

Seven & the EMH. in the Voyager of version that exists in my head, they have a good dynamic and friendship and i generally politely ignore some of the later canon stuff but yeah... not a fan of the Doctor's crush on her that just ends up falling into a very objectifying "older man is in love with his young female student" dynamic in seasons 6 and 7.

20. Which other character is the ideal best friend for this character, the amount of screentime they share doesn't matter?

i'm forever bitter than Seven and Hugh didn't have A SINGLE SCENE together. especially because the actors are actual friends! injustice! Seven and Hugh would be so cool together as they've shared so many of the same experiences but came out of them as very different people – Hugh choosing to be kind in the face of hatred and help the xBs vs Seven running away from the problem so she doesn't have to face her past. but yeah. Hugh is ideal best friend material.

21. If you're a fic writer and have written for this character, what's your favorite thing to do when you're writing for this character? What's something you don't like?

hm. i've mostly written (incomplete) stuff for Picard-era Seven and i really like to hone in on smaller movements and specify that they're very purposeful and planned because Seven has spent so long practicing "looking" and behaving human enough as a survival tactic (same thing with the way she speaks) and i love having her movements and speech pattern fall back to her earlier self when she's stressed or focused on something else.

something i don't like is that i have a hard time capturing her internal monologue and the way she views the world, particularly with Voyager-era Seven) as it always ends up coming out either too robotic or too human.

22. If you're a fic reader, what's something you like in fics when it comes to the character? Something you don't like?

hmmm i really like fics that explore some of the darker body horror type nature of the xBs (and particularly Seven) and i tend to get annoyed with stories (including canon ones) that erase the fact that part of her is still Borg.

23. Favorite picture of this character?

i do love the screencap that's my current icon (from The Haunting of Deck 12) but s1 Picard Seven is my favorite look of hers and particularly this shot is just. very good.

24. What other character from another fandom of yours that reminds you of them?

oh this is an incredibly obscure pull but Compassion from the Eighth Doctor Adventure books who is a clone that's been recycled so many times that she's lost any resemblance to the person she was based on and has to struggle with not being a real person in a way that reminds me a lot of Seven.

25. What was your first impression of this character? How about now?

awhile before i started watching Voyager i had a friend who kept telling me how much i would like Seven (they guessed correctly) and from them i knew a) she was queer b) she was a badass c) she struggled with the idea of humanity which... again. is exactly my type of character and my impression hasn't majorly changed other than realizing that she is a much more nuanced and complex character than i originally thought.

B'Elanna Torres:

1. Why do you like or dislike this character?

i love B'Elanna! she's just a good character who has so much internal strife but tries to be strong and not let anyone know that she's in pain which is tragic but i am a tragedy enjoyer first and foremost.

2. Favorite canon thing about this character?

i think the sadness she has, especially when she's alone and there's no one to argue with, is so compelling and Roxann Dawson plays her really well. i also love that she's shown as very competent and and intelligent but didn't graduate from the Academy and doesn't have a particular love of Starfleet unlike 95% of other Star Trek characters.

3. Least favorite canon thing about this character?

because of the all (or at least mostly) white writers i think her character often leans into some unfortunate "fiery/angry Latina" stereotypes that's not recognized enough because it's always under the guise of "oh well it's because she's Klingon" but like. assigning undesirable personality traits to races, even if fictional, is. still racist.

4. If you could put this character in any other media, be it a book, a movie, anything, what would you put them in?

I'm not huge into Star Wars but I think B'Elanna would thrive joining the rebels in the original trilogy.

5. What's the first song that comes to mind when you think about them?

it might be the fact that i'm currently listening to this song but Mama by My Chemical Romance.

6. What's something you have in common with this character?

i think we both have a tendency to doubt our ability to do things that we're good at when faced with people who might be more qualified but less talented but i love how quickly B'Elanna does gain confidence in her abilities in s1 and 2 and i hope to follow in her footsteps.

7. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you like?

i have a lot of respect for the closeted lesbian B'Elanna headcanons i must say.

8. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you despise?

idk if this is a widespread fandom take or not but i always dislike the idea that B'Elanna would remain in Starfleet post-Voyager. like the show itself kind of forgets that the Maquis crew on Voyager still has some pretty big beef with the Federation (for good reason) and i don't think she would ever want to join Starfleet unless they have some systemic changes.

9. Could you be roommates with this character?

i think we would definitely have certain habits that would annoy each other but like with Seven, i feel like if we came up with some boundaries both of us would stick to them and it would work out.

10. Could you be best friends with this character?

we have very different personalities that would clash a bit too much to be best friends but i think we would get along.

11. Would you date this character?

again, probably not more just because i'm aro and not super interested in dating and B'Elanna deserves someone better than me.

12. What's a headcanon you have for this character?

after returning from the Delta Quadrant, B'Elanna opens an engineering shop where she rehabs old ships (with or without Tom).

13. What's an emoji, an emoticon and/or any symbol that reminds you of this character or you think the character would use a lot?

i think B'Elanna would respond to a lot of messages with just the middle finger🖕

14. Assign a fashion aesthetic to this character.

B'Elanna would rock 90s grunge fashion so hard.

15. What's your favorite ship for this character? (Doesn't matter if it's canon or not.)

hmmm i thought about this for awhile and honestly i just can't really think of a ship that makes sense for her because she deserves much better than the canon characters she interacts with.

16. What's your least favorite ship for this character?

i've seen B'Elanna/Chakotay around a few times and... no. not for me please.

17. What's a ship for this character you don't hate but it's not your favorite that you're fine with?

B'Elanna/Seven (as I said in Seven's section)

18. How about a relationship they have in canon with another character that you admire?

i generally like B'Elanna & Chakotay's canon relationship (with a few notable exceptions where things get weird) and i think Chakotay is such a good mentor figure for her as someone who shares the same political ideology but is older and wiser and knows better than to act only out of anger.

19. How about a relationship they have in canon that you don't like?

B'Elanna/Tom and it's not that i don't think the characters could work together, there are a few moments from the show and people's fanons or whatnot that have a lot of potential. and there's so much potential inherent in two characters with a lot of issues that they tend to hide with humor or aggression or whatever who are now forced to indefinitely be part of this crew/family. however i hate that all of their interactions are plagued with 90s sexism and always shown from Tom's perspective of how much he struggles being in a relationship and remembering to pay attention to B'Elanna as if that's just. an expected part of being in a relationship rather than a problem that needs to be resolved. and so many episodes focus on their relationship problems and we rarely get to see them being happy so it comes off feeling like they're trapped in an unhappy marriage.

20. Which other character is the ideal best friend for this character, the amount of screentime they share doesn't matter?

B'Elanna and Harry! they have such a good dynamic in s1 with Harry being the embodiment of Starfleet idealism and B'Elanna being so jaded towards Federation idealism and Harry over time developing his own Problems and B'Elanna beginning to resolve her issues. i wish we got more of them together!

21. If you're a fic writer and have written for this character, what's your favorite thing to do when you're writing for this character? What's something you don't like?

i haven't written any fic for B'Elanna yet so i'll just skip this one

22. If you're a fic reader, what's something you like in fics when it comes to the character? Something you don't like?

tbh i haven't read much B'Elanna fic. i'll get around to it! i've only been a Voyager fan for like 6 months.

23. Favorite picture of this character?

i love her curly hair from the beginning of s6 sooooo much

24. What other character from another fandom of yours that reminds you of them?

Clara from Doctor Who (specifically in s9). they both have some deep insecurities that they try to cover up with quips and deflection. they're also both very clever but don't necessarily think through their actions and have a tendency to throw themselves into danger.

25. What was your first impression of this character? How about now?

tbh i didn't really have a strong opinion about any of the Voyager characters when i first started the show and kind of expected B'Elanna to fall into the mixed (alien) race stereotype of torn between two worlds and some of the accompanying racist tropes but tbh B'Elanna became a much deeper character than i ever expected both with exploring the tension of her heritage and internalized racism (Barge of the Dead & Lineage come to mind) but also exploring her mental health (Extreme Risk) and how her character reveals some of the issues inherent in the Federation's existence. i just wish that Voyager did more and was willing to create a more complete arc for her that doesn't leave some stuff like her self harming behaviors and grief over the Maquis alone after one episode. i also didn't expect her to be probably the most competent engineer in all of Star Trek but i maintain that she is.

[light-lanterne]

Hi! For the ask game: 7, 11, 45, 50 and 72, please 💖💖💖

hello! again, sorry for taking so long to reply :( i'm very forgetful

- - - - - - - - - - - ♡ - - - - - - - - - - - ....................ask game - - - - - - - - - - - ♡ - - - - - - - - - - -

7. tell us about the plot of the first fanfic you ever wrote

uh, it was not a romantic story. it was actually about a serial killer and him struggling to hide his killings from his best friend x.x it was a very lackluster job, i must say, and i shan't even mention the fandom because it's embarrassing how awful it is x.x that said, i was ten so i suppose it was to be expected

11. what’s something neat you’ve learned while doing research for something you were writing? also, how much do you worry about doing research in general?

oh, um, i won't describe it because i don't want to bore everyone, but i recently learned the mechanism of action of amphotericin b :] i love reading wacky medical text and create my own little diagrams to explain how things work to myself~ (now, why was i researching a very abrasive antifungal medication that would've been used in the 80's for patients with an invasive infection that may or may not affect brain, heart, lungs and the circulatory system? don't worry about it. i totally don't have evil plans for the kids in the darkest eyes :] ) anyway, i like cementing my stories in reality so i do a lot of research. i have notebooks upon notebooks full of random research that i then use for worldbuilding.

45. name three of your favorite fanfic writers

uh, rn @smoosnoom, @wiseatom and @wheelerboi, but ask me again next week and i'll tell you three different names (i have like 20 favourite authors who take turns to infect my brain, okei? i'm not good with favourites >.<)

50. do you plan or do you write whatever comes to your mind?

a weird combination of both. i plan a lot and have defined guidelines for each chapter of each story, but when i start writing the characters often do whatever they like and i have to adjust the story around those changes (and then they do something new and i have to adjust again x.x)

72. what do you do if a scene gets too serious?

i just go with it. if the story calls for heavy topics, and i can justify the increasing seriousness of the situation in my head, then i feel i must honour that even if it wasn't the plan. obviously, i take a little while to make sure that all topics are handled adequately according to their severity (like mental health struggles), but i try not to shy away from heavy topics. for instance, in the darkest eyes, mike was only supposed to have a problem with smoking. and that can be a serious situation (my dad was an avid smoker, i've seen the effects), but i didn't plan for him to also have a problem with alcohol and his pain medication. it evolved naturally and i'm trying to make sure that i tackle it with the appropriate sensitivity. likewise, mike in the trees are growing restless is going through a lot and he develops very unhealthy coping mechanisms. more than anything, however, some of the struggles he will face are very dark within the context that he is a literal child so i'm trying to balance out those aspects with making sure that it's all justified in the universe and, in the more severe instances, that i don't describe too much when it's not necessary (for instance, i'm not going to graphically describe will's death all 47 times because there's no point in showing all that pain). just recently i was planning out stuff for my runaway au, but here is one, and mike (it's always him,,, i promise he's my favourite x.x) developed a mental struggle on his own and it makes perfect logical sense within his universe so now i must write him like that, as painful as i know it'll be :( so yeah, i try to handle these topics sensibly (which partially comes from my ability to sympathise with a lot of this stuff) but i never shy away from them.

hope this answered your curiosity~! :D

[hyrulecollective]

We got a pretty opposite issue tbh, we got so many littles and middles that just act like they're in their middle to late 20s-30s or at least early 20s, I genuinely think we got only 1 little in all subsystems combined who actually act like a little because he is unaware of trauma, sadly he never fronts himself and he ain't part of my group. Good for him tbh, my group's a bunch of hooligans. The bad sort. It's sort of a jail to keep away problematic fellas or somethin'. I don't really care cause I'm sorts used to it by now. To top it all off we have way too many caretakers and soothers that's almost practically jobless cause those kids handle themselves real good.

I'm gonna send it in a separate ask cause I need to find it first, which may take a moment or five (also good for ya for wanting to take that exposure step towards the whole 'double' thing)

(My good fella, I'm afraid that isn't a original experience. There's 2 subsystems in ours that involve it. One has all of our LU Introjects that are not Dormant or fused, the other is called "the rainbow patches" if I remember correctly from memory, and they have all the colors from the manga and a pesky shit that I would punch if I could. Our Four is considered as a member from both subsystems and somehow coexist in both at the same time although he is most commonly seen in the latter according to someone else who's out rn and fill me in on info here. Nice to see someone else with the experience tho, heard it's practically impossible. Buddy highfive of a rare experience?/j

We got on paper like somewhere in the hundred something, but there's guaranteed at least four or three we didn't find yet, and believe me our scout teams are rigid in their searches so if there's three I'm speculating over there may as well be way more than them in actuality. We use apps to keep track cause the numbers can change by the hour (aka someone suddenly going Dormant, fusing, splitting off, or whatnot), if y'all aren't sure over the final numbers or anything I suggest ya find smth to use to list everyone down, like a notes app or an app specifically made for plurals to use (I can walk ya through the functions of the one we use, but I ain't good with it so Probs someone else will take over explanation at some point)

I don't know all our innerworld as per obvious I'm not a Gatekeeper or a higher up, but I do know how my subsystem's innerworld looks like cause I am treated like a gatekeeper there, and I tell ya that place is huge (per the nature of my subsystem's existence i ain't gonna describe how it looks or anythin', I'm sure ya understand)

Oh cool, ya got to experience domain expansion/lhj

how'd that felt like? D'ya think it was Dormancy or Nah?

In fact I don't know who am I cause I didn't get knocked out, unless that weren't targeted at me/j

For us collectively we can get "physical" manifestations of mental problems like a broken bone or some shi like fever from heightened stress or a nervous breakdown, and we got a whole hospital to deal with these issues. Don't ask how I know, cause then I'd need to explain that to the higher ups.

Well good for ya for discovering your passion and making a career choice already, most popular clashes in most systems we knew were career paths and college majors. Make sure to not press yourself to death tho, medical majors are very hard and it's a priority you set an example with yer own health.

We all have our own Individual special interests and hyperfixations (being separated people and all), but three ones that seem to be collectively special interests- are a show we watched as a child, Alice in wonderland, And health, specifically mental health and mental Illnesses.

Do ya want me to list out every single thing this body has? I don't think ya do and either way I ain't risking "death" and forced dormancy for smth like that, so I'd tell ya a few ones that at most will get me scolded.

We got chronic Depression, High functioning Autism, we're lactose intolerant to a point a sniff of milk is enough to get us nauseous, we probably developed some form of scoliosis or spine problems because we can't stand upright and our back hurts 24/7, we have chronic pain in some places in our body that have occasional flareups, we're so used to being burnt out that it's the new normal for us, and we're suspected of having a few more serious things by professionals/nav

That is, ofc, without mentioning the very thing that will get us called 'insane' if people irl outside of professionals knew. I ain't naming it, but ya seem like a smart guy so I'm sure you'd figure it out./lh

I can keep listing them on and on, but it wouldn't change anything or matter because I ain't fishing for sympathy; we know life's shit but that's how it is. That's the hand we were dealt. Sure, we can keep complaining and pointing blame at the dealer for "causing us to have a bad hand", even if that blame is rightfully placed and should be cause they cheated, or we can try to still make the most out of the game with what we got. Sure, we got way less odds to win the game than other players with better hands, but we can still enjoy the game thoroughly, which idk about ya but I'd see that as a win. Not to mention ya practically got a cheat code because there's more than one player in your seat, and each can help their Individual way to victory. One can sort the cards, others can keep an eye out for "peeping toms", and every person can offer their individual idea for victorious strategies, that no other player can think of because they don't possess the same unique outside-the-box thinking ya got thanks to your bad cards that force ya to be creative.

If ya got a passion for smth, you'd find a way to still enjoy it despite hardships. For proof i can point that question around, how are ya gonna do woodcarving with those things you just listed? Because you enjoy it and it's fun. Those labels (who obviously are way more than just labels) are meant to make it a lil harder to enjoy it, not make it completely impossible. The others probably wouldn't mind at all helping ya out in ways they can, and I personally can offer ya at least a few tips to how you can do it because i know an alter In the main system who also had narcolepsy in source and still possess psychological symptoms of it. Don't say "I can't", you can, and ya need to believe you do. Faith in oneself and one self's abilities is the key to anything in life. Remember that.

..instinctive and uncharacteristic caretaker rant aside.

I never personally experienced dormancy myself, tho I work with alters who goes through a continuous cycle of going in and out of that state, so I can tell ya it won't really matter that much if you really put your head and heart into this decision and stick to it on the long run. If ya think you'd forget it once you're out of Dormancy next time, make yourself a memo and put it in your room if your innerworld is the sort to have individual bedrooms, or in your personal pile of stuff in the body's room if ya got a couple things that belong to you specifically like a sweater or whatnot. or ask someone you trust to remind ya, alter or not. and again really, don't put too much pressure on it. Those will come on their own speed, and i think that playing slowly is more fun and prosperous on the long run than a speedrun, especially when ya know the game is meaningful to ya in whatever way.

But ofc that's yer life, not mine, and I can't force ya to do anything you don't want, aside offering advice from my own life and personal experience with the matter of source memories from a rather traumatic source that will probably swindle you into a whirlwind of emotions and stress that will just end up pushing ya in Dormancy again and tainting yer view of it as something bad or traumatic. And that ain't a try to guilt trip or manipulate or get sympathy, because I don't need your sympathy to manage my day and I'm just rambling at this point.

'M gonna say it now cause that was on my mind since last night, but don't see it directed at yourself specifically just cause I put it in the section where I responded to your specific issues. That's for pretty much anyone who sees it and had those thoughts. Dormancy isn't a inherently bad thing, and is very mischaracterized. It's like a long, peaceful, and calm sleep-like state that you get pushed into when things just becomes too much for ya to manage mentally or psychologically at the moment, and it allows you to process it and ease into it better. Or when the body is healing enough to a position where your aid and "existence" per say, is considered unnecessary. OSDD-DID is a thing where the brain splits alters it thinks will make life easier in the specific criteria and situation, like for example splitting someone to take care of eating if the body had history with food. And if the body managed to heal (which is a good thing) from this and other/most alters has no issues with eating anymore, the brain will sometimes perceive the alter who took care of this task unnecessary, as it's being taken care of by a bigger Scale and more efficiently. So what the brain does is putting this alter to sleep, so there will be less pressure and stimulation for the overall system. The alter may remain dormant for whatever period of time, varies from hours to years and even forever, but if the body get into a position where it can't sustain itself for whatever reasons, the brain may "wake" said alter from dormancy because he is needed again for whatever reason, be it doing his role again or just being there for emotional support. Obviously dormancy varies depending on the system, their childhood and life experiences, and many other factors, but one thing is always the same. Dormancy isn't bad. It's a factor, that can be either good or bad depending on the System and the way an alter perceives it. Like calling Persecutors "Evil alters", when they are protectors who simply dk any other, more healthy ways, to take care of and protect the body from danger. They are misguided protectors, but they aren't necessarily evil, and 95% of the time they are even more traumatized than the trauma they seem to "enforce" on the alters, and pushing the system into abusive or harmful situations or isolating them, may seem for the Persecutor as the correct way to save them from harm because that's all they know, and they need individual healing in order to become better. Like taking magic for example ( an example that'd be simpler to understand for y'all), is all magic inherently bad? Or is it what it's used for because magic is just a tool one can use? And before any of you all go "well dark magic is bad", it once again, depend on what use is there of it. I wouldn't personally call twilight's crystal light magic at all and the twilight seem very obviously dark magic, but he uses it for good purposes and doings, so even if for some it may seem evil due to prejudice or personal experiences with dark magic that made them believe it was bad (like four for example, we even see it in the comic itself if you'd like to check), Dark magic isn't inherently bad or evil.

And associating bad memories with Dormancy or censoring this word, is just showing one believes that Dormancy is an inherently evil thing that wish to do you harm, rather than a tool to help your system and yourself when you need a desperate break or a well deserved nap.

As for the song playlist, I don't want the link to be buried under all this text so I'm gonna submit it independently after I find that old ass poem for the old guy, feel free to share your thoughts or whatevs about songs and whatnot.

Also Lost anon, the algebra equation you asked before (3 × 5), is 15, ya probably don't need it anymore but Oh well it bugged me cause we can't leave comments on posts.

And no I don't HATE bluey, I just personally avoid it myself cause I consume more mature media (like mystery murder books and stuff with harm more than just a scraped knee), and I got personal beef with the whole intro thing of it.

- X Again (I swear I'm gonna spam you guys messages so uhh, yeah ya'll probably gonna hear from me a lot today, but maybe ya can use it as distraction so oh well for ya/lh)

H

I

I’m sorry I cannot read this my brain will not let me-

And- and I cannot remember half of the things this is referring to-

I only read like.. a few parts

To the dormancy thing, I get that. Though some systems (me me me) mourn dormant alters, Malon went dormant once and I cried the entire day until she came back (/nav)

It’s like they’re dead,,

-Time

[bandedbulbussnarfblat]

i am high af rn, bc i had to go see about an interview for a summer job and that got me all out of sorts and i needed to calm down. and like. i honestly don't know if i'll be able to hold down a summer job, bc i'll have to be around new people. probably in a place that is sensory hell. what if i can't tough it out? but i feel like i have to.

[this got hella long so i came back and added a cut]

my mom is having some medical problems (i won't get into it bc i wanna respect her privacy) and she's going to have to have surgery. luckily, both my parents have insurance and they're thinking between the two most of it should be paid for. but she will be out of work for at least 6 weeks to recover. and that's six weeks without pay. and like, i think my dad makes enough for them to float by.

but my mom has been so supportive of me during my mental breakdown, including cooking me meals nearly every night. and i want to be able to return the favor to her. except without cooking because i'm real bad at it. (i need specific, detailed instructions with exact measurements and times, or i am lost) but i can go get food every night. and take it over to her and then eat with my parents bc that always makes my mom happy.

i just wanna do something nice for her. and also bc she needs to recover but will literally try to get up and cook dinner for her and my dad so he can eat when he gets home. and y'all, my dad is not the kind of man who expects that from a woman. if he was my momma would have taught him real quick how things were and where the door was if he didn't like it. so like, she does not have to do this. in fact, i bet my dad tells her explicitly not to do this. but she'll do it anyway, bc she's a stubborn pain in the ass and i love her.

and i just want to take care of her a little; not bc i think she can't take care of herself, but bc she shouldn't have to when she is recovering. like obviously my dad is gonna help out more. but he works 10 hour shifts (his jobs idea of the 4 day work week, 4 ten hour days followed by three days off. unless night shift on thursday didn't finish the week's work, then people needed to come in friday. but they get overtime pay, so that makes it okay, or something)

anyway, he's tired and he's disabled (in multiple ways i won't list for respect of his privacy. but he's never let it stop him from doing something. necessity is the mother of ingenuity. or something.) so i don't want him to spend 10 hours on his feet then have to come home and cook and help take care of my mom. i want to help them.

so i need this part-time job. 1. so i can pay my bills. the summer fund isn't gonna cut it. 2. buy dinner for my parents and myself and also probably my brother since he lives with me (oh, make him go halfsies. it'll save money) 3. save up anything extra to pay into a going back to school fund. but like, a 2 yr degree or a certificate program in something i can do from home. offered at a community college, bc i'm not paying university prices

this post has become a mess. i'm gonna go back up and add a cut. thanks for reading my stress rant y'all

[mistergoddess]

tbh i think like. i have frankly not had much therapy at all in the grand scheme of things and considering how severe my mental health problems have been thruout my life, and i've had a lot more exposure to things like institutionalization, medication, and idk more intense things like hypnosis, ketamine, and emdr than i have regular degular therapy so maybe my meh feelings towards classical therapy are a bit unearned but i also think that comes with like. the times i have tried to access it, have been times where i've been in such crisis that it's not the appropriate treatment so of course it's failed and i've given up on it very quickly. i think where i'm at now where my mental health could be better and i definitely still have some low grade depression and anxiety and just ye olde ptsd and the shit that always does, i'm really like. doing quite well compared to most of my life. and my main issues are more the kinds of things that would be helped by counseling, like relationship/socializing shit and loneliness and motivation and work, life changes and planning and hopes and dreams... really just having someone to talk to about my feelings and stressors! like i'm in a place rn where i'm good and i don't need crisis intervention or anything intense, that just regular therapy and literally just having someone i can talk to about daily life problems, could actually be extremely lovely and helpful and give me some great forward momentum...

i'm also pretty interested in gender therapy tbh because i'm really over the moon about starting transition but i do still have issues w the social aspects of it and definitely family stuff and i have some pretty gnarly trauma related directly to transness and the abusive relationship with another trans person i was in as a teen when i first sort of identified myself as trans, as well as trauma related to transphobia in school and stuff, all of which. kept me in the closet for a lot longer than ideal and is why i'm so proud and amazed that i'm still transitioning and coming out now... and like just general growing pains and the interesting funky mental aspects of going thru puberty again and watching urself change ! and the general fucking all consuming terror of doing this shit in the south in the current climate! and self advocacy and stuff! it's all just... i think gender therapy could actually really really be amazing for me

but i feel like there's also a weird personal stigma i hold of like. oh gender therapy is only meant for people who are questioning to like "explore their identities" and "figure out if transition is right for them"? and i don't want like my identity or transition to be put into question at all... and i think that's kind of a sad stigma to have come to mind when i think of gender therapy and i'm sure it could be true if i didn't shop carefully and find the right person who sees the broader needs that could be met by gender therapy but idk. i think. the options locally are prob pretty fucking sparse but it may be worth me asking around at the local lgbt center and trans ppl in the lil queer group i've been hanging out with a bit the past couple weeks and see if anyone knows what's good. in general i just wish i had ppl to talk to about transition and coming out shit bc i do feel really alone and not knowing where to ask questions or get answers and advice and i know it's all online out there somewhere but it's just very broad and overwhelming to figure out where to even start there like... idk... might fuck around and join reddit again?????????? lol... but itd be nice to find other local trans ppl who are willing to have it be a main topic of convo wahh

[daisyvisions]

I got sent home from work for being sick and tbh it's just making it worse kinda because now I am sick and also feel horrible about leaving my coworkers with less people there today. 😭

TMI but my period started yesterday and I have been having such bad symptoms. I'm getting back and forth hot/cold flashes, I'm lightheaded/dizzy, I'm constantly thirsty and fatigued, and my cramps are horrible. I've tried like five different medications and none of them have done much. I gained the ability to stand and move (I was initially confined to my bed because I couldn't move to stand and even when I did finally my legs were too weak to hold me 😭) and that's about it.

If it doesn't calm down I'm going to go to the hospital first thing tomorrow morning but my health insurance here only covers so much and also I live in a yeehaw conservative area with only male doctors so I'm trying to avoid it if I can because I know that they likely won't take it seriously and even if they do and they find something I'm worried that it's going to be expensive. 😭

Also I feel bad because I hate calling in sick or causing problems for others and left my coworkers with one less person and I feel super bad about it 😭 they said it was fine but also I still left them with more to do and that makes me feel super guilty. I don't like not pulling my weight.

High-key considering a hysterectomy rn. I won't because Asian family and also maybe I will want at least one biological child when I'm older but it is so so tempting. 😭 I want this stupid organ gone. She bullies me and I want her removed for it. 🤚🏾

Anyway sorry for ranting fjkgjtnfcjkf I'm going to lay in bed and scroll through social media until everything calms down. 👍🏾

oh no lovi are you okay now? 🥺 maybe it was a bad case of dysmenorrhea? in any case I hope youre feeling better now and if you get the chance to visit a female doctor outside of your area please do :<

and please don't feel sorry for the rant! my inbox is open I'm sorry I only got to this now 😭

[tbo-beet]

Making the tbo wiki from scratch is interesting because 1. I barely know how to edit a wiki 2. I don't have much help [but luckily moth and fiber said they could help !] And 3. I barely have sources cuz fiber and raith just say random stuff in vcs and I just jot it down in the moment for later so like is beet canonically intersex ? Maybe ! Idk

Also I'm so sorry the wiki has been uh under construction for so long my adhd is very unmanaged [I'm on medication number 5 rn I think] so I'm more fixated on minecraft and easy happy chemicals than the evil words wiki that makes me cry /hyp

I'm working on the character pages rn and after they're done I'll make a proper main page, that's my plan at least

Oh yeah and part of the problem is there's a lot of info that I can't add yet so I'm also kinda waiting for 1b to come out so I can just write everything w/o doing everything halfway and going back and adding stuff, tldr it'll help prevent leaks cuz I like typing and explaining stuff too much

[deepspaceclawstation]

Maybe I should just blacklist the word 'reservation' for my own mental health

[fruitcoops]

Hi Eve! Can I request a fic where Remus is hurt on the ice and in a lot of pain, and really depends on Sirius comforting him. Maybe he goes to the Hospital and is really frightened by it. Basically something where Remus is extremely hurt (physically and emotionally) and Sirius comforts him a lot. If you feel like it! I know you're writing a lot of H/C and Angst rn. I love your writing!

Oh we're doing CHONKY angst tonight, my friends. Also, I'm super close to my fic goal, so requests will be opening back up again soon! I won't give a specific date because I don't want to give anyone false hope, so thank you all for being patient. SW credit goes to @lumosinlove <3

**TW for injury (dislocation), mentioned past injury/ trauma, implied PTSD, panic/ dissociation response, hospitals

Time stood still. It was a cheesy, cliché thought—Sirius knew that much. But time stood still, and lots of people were moving erratically, and he had the sudden realization he couldn’t feel his toes in his skates anymore. He knew he should move. He knew he needed to move. He knew he could feel every vein and artery in his body seizing, every muscle fossilizing.

“—fucking Christ—”

“I’m gonna—”

“—god, look—”

“—happening? What’s happ—”

“Stay there!” Sirius flinched at the sharp order from James’ mouth, somewhere on the other side of the bench. Medics were gathering like clotted blood on a wound; he could only see black skates, the red accents stark against the ice while their owner thrashed once, twice, and went still again.

His tongue unstuck from the roof of his mouth. He managed one step. James’ hand settled on his chest, but he pushed right past it without breaking stride. The crowd was deafening in its silence. He could see Remus’ legs now, one bent and tipping to the side. The medics shuttered his body and face from view, but Sirius was six-foot-six in his skates. That wouldn’t be a problem.

“—touch me!” The sudden burst of noise amongst a sea of muttering voices made him blink in surprise. “Don’t touch me, don’t touch me!”

Remus wasn’t supposed to sound like that. He wasn’t supposed to look like that when Sirius came closer, tense and laid out and failing every time his muscles tried to contort in agony, ghost-white save for the blotchy red on his cheeks. His right hand gripped the wrist of a medic so tight it trembled. “Mr. Lupin,” Emmeline cut in. “Remus, let go.”

“Keep your hands off,” he said through clenched teeth.

Sirius took a knee, shouldering between two of the medics despite their protests. Even a meter away, he could see how far Remus’ pupils had dilated. “Loops,” he began. The few people that tried to pull him away would have had better luck moving a boulder barehanded. Sirius found Remus’ terrified eyes against the too-bright glare of the rink and his throat tightened, suffocating any words.

The unadulterated panic faded somewhat—Remus’ lower lip trembled, a single tear rolling down the slope of his nose as he held Sirius’ gaze. “Sirius.” He sucked in a half-breath and hitched with the strain. “Sirius, don’t fucking touch me.”

“I won’t.”

Remus visibly relaxed when he held both hands up, only for his entire face to screw up in pain at the movement. A groan siphoned through his ticking jaw, strangled and barely contained.

“Mr. Lupin, you need to let us get you on a stretcher,” Emmeline said firmly, as if they had had this conversation before. “We have to get you off the ice.”

“Can’t move.”

“We’ll help—”

“Gonna tear it apart.” Remus’ eyes unfocused, and Sirius quite literally watched the blood drain from his face as his hand slipped off the other medic’s wrist and hit the ice with a dull sound. His mouth refused to offer the comfort rattling through his mind. “Don’t understand, I have pins there, gonna tear the muscle.”

Emmeline’s lips pressed into a thin, pale line. “Fuck,” she muttered, tucking Remus’ forearms against his chest; this time, he didn’t so much as twitch. She grabbed the walkie-talkie off her belt, moving to a crouch. “Get him on the stretcher. Hi, this is Emmeline Vance, I have a player with a partially dislocated shoulder who is going into psychological shock. We’re 60 seconds from the ambulance.”

By the time Sirius was able to force some air into his lungs, everyone else was already in motion, and he was being pushed aside. “I can’t do it.” Remus’ voice was too strained, too high. His gaze darted randomly from Sirius to the rink and back again. “Can’t do it again, I can’t do this.”

“Just keep breathing, Remus,” Emmeline said. “That’s all I need from you.”

“I can…” Sirius faltered as they shuffled Remus onto the stretcher. He had gone from white to gray in a matter of moments. His left arm looked wrong where it laid limp against him. “I can help?”

“Go back to the bench, captain,” an unfamiliar medic said, clapping him on the shoulder. “Your coach will pass along the hospital address.”

Sirius shook his head. It was too hard to swallow. “No.”

“Sir—”

“He’s my husband.”

“I understand, but the ambulance is already—”

“That’s my husband.” Control. Calm. Steady. Remus’ voice never shook when he asked for things, never raised by a single decibel. Sirius took a breath in through his nose, out through his mouth. “My husband is on that stretcher. I need to be with him right now.”

“That’s not a matter to discuss with me.” The medic stood and helped him to his feet with a kind smile. “Talk to your coach. We’ll take good care of Mr. Lupin.”

No, you won’t. He knew he should trust them—it was their job. It was what Remus had done for years, and Remus had never failed them. But Sirius couldn’t help the knee-jerk protest that tried to claw its way out into the cold air where the voices of the crowd were starting to rise. It was Remus’ job to heal. It was his job to play. These people…he didn’t know these people. More importantly, they didn’t know Remus. They didn’t know that he couldn’t be touched after a nightmare and they didn’t know how good he was at hiding pain in smiles and they didn’t know he could only be lulled back into rest with a kiss, a snuggle, some tea.

But Remus was already gone, and Sirius belonged on the bench.

--

“I’m here for Remus Lupin.”

“Relation?”

“Husband. How is he?”

“Asleep, as of…five minutes ago.”

“And his shoulder?”

“I’m afraid I can’t share personal medical information, sir.”

Sirius hoped the nurse couldn’t hear his pulse hammering across the desk. “Alright. Where’s his room?”

“He’s in 430. The elevator is on your left.”

“Merci beaucoup.” God bless Celeste for teaching him proper manners, because an ‘afterthought’ wasn’t even the right word for how little he cared about thanking people at the moment. Remus liked to tease him for his ‘lack of tact’, whatever that was supposed to mean. Bluntness had always worked fine in the past, even if it meant people liked his husband more than him. It wasn’t Sirius’ fault he had grown used to using his captain voice in daily life.

The elevator lurched to life after a few impatient clicks of the button; it stopped once, on the second floor, and Sirius tried not to scowl too hard at the perfectly nice couple that decided to wait for the next one. His legs stopped working when the elevator doors opened.

A cheerful golden ‘4’ shone on the opposite wall—he forced himself forward, only to stop again as the doors closed behind him. The floor was as busy as any hospital he had visited, full of families and bustling staff in equal shares. The nearest door read ‘403’.

Sirius started walking.

The linoleum squeaked under his sneakers with each measured step, background music for his racing thoughts. Would Remus still be asleep? Was his injury worse than they thought? Sirius hadn’t been able to leave early—hadn’t wanted to, not when they couldn’t promise he would be able to see Remus right away—and he didn’t have the first clue what made psychological shock different than regular shock. He had seen enough shitty medical dramas on Saturday nights to know people died from it. Suddenly, Remus’ penchant for pointing out their inaccuracies like it was a game show wasn’t so funny.

430.

He peeked through the little window with one hand on the doorknob and felt his heart stutter, a breath rushing free. Remus was still asleep, just as the nurse had promised. The bed was propped up; his left arm rested in a sling. Someone had tucked the crisp white blankets around his waist. Sirius opened the door and crept in, closing it quietly behind him before he moved to sit on the edge of the bed.

Remus’ breaths came in the same slow, even pattern he knew like his own pulse, so vastly different than the shallow things that had wracked him four hours prior. He looked better than Sirius had left him: there was healthy color in his cheeks and no tension sending agony though his body. He traced the places pain used to pinch with a gentle hand.

Beneath his touch, Remus stirred. He blinked a few times, bleary and befuddled, before his expression relaxed into a small smile and his cheek pressed into Sirius’ palm. “How long’ve you been there?”

“About five minutes,” Sirius murmured. They had the room to themselves, but it didn’t feel right to speak louder. He scratched along the shorter hair over Remus’ ear and felt him hum. “Feeling better?”

Remus nodded, keeping his eyes closed. “Got the good stuff.”

“Sleepy?”

“Mhmm. Love how you talk.”

“Me?” he laughed.

“It’s always you.”

Sirius stroked beneath Remus’ eye with the pad of his thumb. His skin was impossibly soft and delicate for someone so unbreakable. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here before.”

“Didn’t miss anything big.”

“Still.” He swallowed as the lump from earlier tried to surge back to life in his throat. “Still, I want to be here for you. It’s my job to take care of you, now.”

“How the turntables,” Remus muttered, drawing a laugh from both of them.

With a long exhale, he let his head rest back against the crinkly pillow, and Sirius went willingly when Remus opened an arm for him to cuddle under. The hospital gown was rough when he smoothed a hand over Remus’ chest, tracing the bandages beneath. “Qu’est-ce que c’est?” Sirius asked, giving the lowest ridge a small tug.

Remus cracked an eye open and followed his movement. “Oh, it’s just some extra support. Goes up an’ around.”

“No broken ribs?”

“I can’t be stealing your brand that quick.”

“Don’t joke about that,” Sirius protested despite Remus’ quiet snickering. “It’s not funny, Re.”

“ ‘m sorry.” He took a couple deep breaths, then turned to Sirius with a bitten-back smile. “It’s a little funny.”

“No.”

His face softened, and with a little bit of wiggling he pulled his arm free from under Sirius’ body and placed his fingertips over his cheekbone like a pianist preparing to play. A delicate touch as always; sometimes, Sirius wondered whether Remus thought he was made of glass. Nobody had treated him that carefully before. It wasn’t a bad thought at all. Remus kept them there for a long moment, watching with half-lidded eyes. His whole body radiated exhaustion. “Today was a bad day,” he finally said. The corner of his mouth tilted up softly. “You’re so handsome.”

“Are you feeling better?”

This time, Remus paused before answering. He paused, and he sighed, and he curled into Sirius’ chest until Sirius draped an arm over his stomach and laced their fingers together. “I dunno,” he whispered. “It was—bad. They put me under to relocate it, ‘cause I couldn’t calm down. They told me I went into shock, but I don’t remember that part. I still feel like shit.”

“I would be worried if you didn’t.” But I hate that you do. Sirius closed the inch between them and kissed Remus’ cheek, letting his lips linger on salty skin. Remus had been crying a little when they took him away. He didn’t want to know if it kept happening while he was sitting on a stainless steel bench outlining plays for other people to run.

“It was only a partial dislocation,” Remus noted after a few moments of quiet. Something in his gaze was still a little vacant. “So, y’know. There’s that. The pins work after all.”

Sirius gathered him closer, slipping one arm under Remus’ upper back so he could rest his head on Sirius’ chest. Their ankles tangled under the papery sheets, legs in a cat’s cradle. “We don’t have to talk about it,” he said into mussed curls. A tremor went through Remus, and he heard him sniffle.

“Fuck, sorry,” Remus choked out, going to pinch the bridge of his nose only to muffle a groan when the sling refused to let his arm move that far. Sirius guided his hand back down and wiped the few stray tears away with his thumb—his other hand splayed over Remus’ lower back, just holding. He could be an anchor right now.

“Don’t be sorry,” he murmured.

“I really couldn’t do it again, Sirius.” His voice was thick. Haunted. “I couldn’t. It almost killed me before, I swear to god.”

The air punched from Sirius’ lungs. He knew, he did, they had both struggled, but—“Don’t, loup. Don’t put yourself in that place right now.”

“I felt it give,” he said brokenly. “After everything I did, it just went and people were all over me.”

There was nothing good enough to say. Sirius didn’t truly understand, he never could. He had accepted that a long time ago in the same way Remus had to accept that he would never understand why Sirius was equally happy and grieving every time they spent time with the Lupins. And while he knew how to bring Remus down from the paralyzing fear that came with whatever trauma Fenrir Greyback had wrought, the rest of the world was still in the dark. There was no possible way to lead emergency medics through it without exposing everything.

So he let his fingers curl around the bandages stabilizing Remus’ shoulder and kept him close, pressing his forehead to a warm temple and holding his hand while Remus’ teeth chattered with the force of whatever needed to be let out. “Mon amour,” he said, lips brushing the peak of Remus’ cheekbone. “Mon coeur, mon loup, mon chou.”

“It was like I wasn’t even there anymore.”

“Je sais.” That much, Sirius could understand.

“My body was there but the rest of me…and it was taken.”

“It was.”

“The pins—it would have gone all the way without them.”

“And it will be better now.”

Remus sniffed, his face pressed so tight to Sirius’ chest that he could feel the damp spot forming on his shirt. “Do you promise?” he asked at last.

It was a ridiculous thing to promise a professional hockey player who regularly got body-slammed and entirely out of Sirius’ control. “Yes.”

Remus shivered, pulling his legs up tighter to Sirius’ thighs. “For real?”

There were tears in his voice again, but Sirius would rather they stain his shirt than the fabric of a stretcher or some plain hospital pillow. He would sign the discharge paperwork when Remus was good and ready to move, and not a second before. “I promise,” he repeated.

“Okay.” A shaky breath was cold on his torso. “Okay. Christ, I’m so fuckin’ tired.”

Sirius rubbed his back for another minute, pressing the occasional kiss to his hair or the side of his face. He managed a glance at his watch for the first time since arriving and was a little surprised to see the late hour blinking back at him. “Do you want to nap here, or should we go home?” he asked quietly.

But Remus was already asleep, clutching him just as close as waking hours.

[theglowstickchronicles]

*clears throat and begins to sing Adele* Hello. It's me.

Anyway. It's been a few days since I've posted because things are Really Not Okay here in healthcare. I just finished a 7 day stretch, 5 of which were 12 hour shifts in direct patient care. I was off today for the holiday and have been doing paperwork since getting out of bed. And this week promises to be potentially even more hellish.

Approximately 50% of our dayshift RN staff is out with covid, and 1/3 of our day shift aides. We had 5 RNs scheduled both Saturday and Sunday but were able to finagle 8 both days between overtime, flexing to cover assignments for a few hours, and prayer. Fully staffed we have 10 nurses but beggers can't be choosers at this point. Our unit is 50% covid positive patients, 25% medical, and 25% surgical (or was... we sent a CABG and a crani to the OR this morning).

I dodged a covid bullet this past week. The two assistant managers on the stepdown unit are two of my closest friends, and both of them worked Thursday. Typically we would all be working close together and would try to sneak in some office time together, but I had an assignment in the ICU. Both of them have tested positive for covid since then.

This weekend was a nightmare between inappropriate admissions and transfers, RRTs, patient movement to get our bio containment set up, and just overall not the strongest crew to be working with. Extremely needy. Needed charge to solve their problems for them (it's me, I was charge).

My educator coworkers also royally screwed me. I was told repeatedly we were moving to an online format of a cardiac arrhythmia class. The previous ICU educator taught a two-8-hour-day class with printouts that were extremely hold and had been photocopied so many times they were difficult to read. I had initially said I wanted to redo the class because even I had trouble knowing what some of them said. I was told by my two central educator coworkers for the last month: oh no, don't do that, we are moving to online!

Then last Wednesday I was told well, we are doing online but need to do some in-person supplemental. I said I cannot do that because I have not viewed the online course (it's 14 hours long) and did not have time to do that before Tuesday (tomorrow), when the class is scheduled. I said we can do the in person class but I need to plan this TODAY because that was my only day free that I could prepare. They said don't worry, we will view the online course and develop and teach the supplemental, you are off the hook.

Thursday morning these same coworkers send a "high priority" email asking if I am available to teach the two 8 hour day in person arrhythmia class. As I am in ICU with an assignment. I ignore the email.

Then Thursday my boss came back from vacation and said she did not authorize the online version, did not authorize even the online plus supplemental, that she had explicitly told these two coworkers that I was completely in charge of arrhythmia and should be making all of these decisions. Also, the online is $150 per person which is an outrageous amount of money for us to be paying for this course each month since we go through staff like nobody's business. Also also, we do not even have access to the online class and won't by Tuesday, especially since Monday (today) is a holiday.

So Thursday, as I'm in CT scan with my intubated covid positive patient, I get a call from my boss telling me all of this. I also discover that there is no room booked for this in-person arrhythmia class.

Of course Friday I had to work on bio containment, the TAVR program, and ended up in an aide assignment when we lost another aide to covid. And Saturday and Sunday I was charge on our short staffed stepdown. So today... my one day off in the course of 12 days... I am designing a new cardiac arrhythmia class.

I am beyond pissed. Now I volunteered to work the floor this weekend (for double time), but I was under the impression that I did not have to be involved in this class. And now I am the only one doing ANYTHING for this class. AND we were only able to get a room booked for one day so I don't even know what I'm going to do Wednesday. AND stepdown is supposed to bio contain tomorrow and are crazy short staffed, ICU just bio contained Friday and is short staffed, and I still am approximately a month behind on all of my paperwork because I keep getting pulled to do other stuff.

My boss and other leadership has been extremely accommodating for me and have said they pretty much don't expect me to produce any educational work that isn't urgent/emergent. I am really just pissed at these two coworkers who screwed me by lying to me and trying to gain control of a class that my boss had already told them I was in charge of, on a day she was out of office.

Okay end rant.

Anyway just wanted to let y'all know I am still alive and for now don't have covid. I'm sure my time is coming in the next few weeks. If I'm sick for my birthday I will lose my shit.

[velvetyh]

rant: please ignore this (TW!)

sometimes i wish life would get back to normal. like in 2019, when i was only stressed about my future. i was having such a great time in uni, i actually missed going every day in my favourite city with my favourite people, chinese was so fun to learn... my uni friends were so welcoming and nice with me, they were friendships like i've never had. ppl genuinely cared about each other, we truly were a group of good friends. the whole class. we were 25, and it always felt like i was hanging out with some friends.

but i was wrong, oh so wrong. they weren't friends, because everyone stopped messaging me when i left france for germany. it was already a heartbreaking leave and it didn't help, at all. i didn't have anyone; my parents were too busy, my brother was constantly partying and having fun with his friends, and i was alone.

then covid came. this fucking thing, i really wish everything would stop. idk if i want this pandemic to stop, if i want my life to stop, if i want my life to stop because of this pandemic, everything is so confusing and exhausting. every psychologist i went to said that my parents were putting too much pressure on my shoulders, where it's absolutely not the case, but they always keep saying that i shouldn't be defending them and try to talk abt it with them. but they're not the problem! my mom is the one that saved me from many suicidal thoughts when i was younger, and im still going for her. i couldn't even imagine the pain i'd bring her if i ever ended my days. but at the same time, i don't want to see her pass away. i don't think i'd ever be able to pick myself up. she sacrificed everything for me, my brother, everything. and i care about her so much that i know it's gonna tear me apart the day she will die.

also today I went to the doctor and I felt like a circus freak. bc of my medical condition, there are still dozens of doctors, surgeons, nurses and medical students that come to see me. i always want to cry when I have to remove my shirt to expose the scar I have on my upper body, because I can see their eyes lingering on it and it makes me so uncomfortable, but at the same time, they have to learn and understand how my body works. it's always super awkward and uncomfortable when you have men or male medical students that take notes on my condition and stare at my body, even if I still wear my bra, I feel so exposed and everybody is staring at me, I always have panic attacks when go see my doctor. he always explains what I have and I wanna tear out the pity that they have in their eyes once they know everything.

yeah... that's pretty much how I feel rn :') plus holiday season isn't helping me much right now, everyone is happy abt Christmas and stuff but I just wanna disappear under the fat layer of snow we have outside and reappear in the spring once the snow will have melted. I'm always sad, I'm always cold, I fucking hate it here