#because its hitting like fucking 5am here and I wrote this for you

[bizlybebo]

Because its on my mind Im sending this as a "Ramble about it here when you get to X episode" ask. When you finish the episodes titled black, white and grey please rant about them here. They are great and I want to see your opinions

hahaha. hi endy.

the staring at the wall evolved into falling asleep and randomly waking up at 4am, still processing these episodes.

i wrote down. some of my thoughts now having experienced the full thing and got kind of carried away with um. 1.4k words of rambling :3

it’s not even all i want to say but i. ough. fuck these episodes were so good but so. auugggh.

it’s like 5am now im posting this and gonna try to go back to sleep but. holy fucking SHIT when i get you bizly.

(i don’t at all expect you to read this behemoth of a ramble!! just. need to put this somewhere as well because my brain’s still exploding after these episodes)

When season two started I thought it marked a lot of stuff for, y’know, how the show was gonna get darker. I mean, episode one, people were getting killed by a chaos demon in that prison.

I was entirely expecting all the ugly, gory bits of season two to be… external shit. Stuff that other guys, the actual antagonists, did.

But William felt pressured in Black. And suddenly it sets off this chain reaction, and suddenly one of our protagonists is no longer doing heroic things. Suddenly William is effectively torturing a guy psychologically in an attempt to save thousands more with David’s medical research.

He fell into the crux of a lot of villains: “It’s for the greater good”.

There was no going back after he stabbed Tide with the syringe. Tide, who never even had his guard up around William because despite everything, he trusted him and had immeasurable faith in his boys.

White is probably my favorite and least favorite episode, simultaneously, to ever come out of jrwi. The emotional, symbolic, and hell, even cinematic effect it has is insane.

I could fucking scream forever about Willian’s actions in White. About Vyncent’s inactions and the way he was torn about everything— about the fact that in season one, Vyncent was the “violent” one.

But Mark and Dakota fucking hit me in the heart to an insane amount.

Dakota. MOTHERFUCKING. Cole.

I said this before, but:

It’s the fact that Dakota still has optimism. He still has hope, at the very least, that Mark can change; turn over a new leaf for his kid.

“I think he should turn over a new leaf, like, with a new hero name, like— Soundwave, or something.”

He still thinks, or at least thought, that Mark can change. This was after he saw what he did to Lightspeed. He saw the worst of Mark’s actions but he still had faith and hope that there was a good person in there.

This shows so much fucking growth for Dakota’s character. The entire development of his morals, especially over season 2, is insane.

But Mark tries to kill Dakota. Several times.

He shoots at him, unleashes hundreds of bullets, and even tries to stab him. He couldn’t predict that Dakota would be incorporeal, and yeah, sure, you could say that he didn’t know Dakota forfeited his powers (and even without him he’s still significantly stronger than other kids his age). But even with his powers, Dakota would still have taken significant damage from the attacks.

Dakota and Mark’s rivalry is something I could pick apart and think about every little piece of forever.

They both have overwhelming love for Ashe, but it manifests in different ways.

Mark says it himself, “I am what I have to be.” He’s bringing home his kid by any means necessary. Ashe doesn’t have to like him, she just has to be safe and alive.

Dakota’s entire screaming match with Mark is engraved into my brain forever. It felt so real to witness, and the emotion in it was insane.

Dakota’s entire proclamation gets me. He’s so well spoken throughout despite shaking with how angry he is.

“I have been killing myself trying to train hard enough to save her.”

“If you were doing this for Ashe you wouldn’t do things that she’d hate you for.” But Mark is what he has to be.

Dakota never stands down. He keeps getting back up, and back up, and back. Up. Okehrjwjr I’m actually going to start crying thinking about this again.

When he was searching for Lightspeed and following Wavelength’s tracks, he kept asking himself: What would William do? Because he had faith in William’s decision making and investigation.

But at the very same time, William was wondering what Dakota would think about what he’s done.

And GOD don’t get me started on William and his brother.

In a sick, twisted way, I loved their dynamic. I loved what it meant for William narratively when David congratulated his work of defeating Xavier, even calling him “little brother” as a term of endearment. I was on the edge of my seat for their entire conversation in the meeting room.

David gave William his first drink, like older brothers do. William tortured a man because of his brother. David had apple juice sitting on hand because their mother told him to, just in case William ever showed up. William wanted apple juice. He killed somebody.

Cantrip’s been FUCKING me up. I couldn’t even write the word “death” after her name. It doesn’t feel real.

This can’t be the same show in which Jade was sitting on Xavier’s shoulders during mario kart, nonchalantly offering no help as he fought for his life to win like. Second place.

I mean, Jade was such a candid and real character. She was a teenager, just like the rest of the Prime Defenders, and she tried to take a turn for better things after leaving the fighting ring. She went from villainy to vigilantism, and sure, her morals were kind of skewed with how she seemed pretty okay with Alan killing the Bell Tech employees, but her motives were good, in a sense.

(“It’s all for the greater good”. It’s the same thing William was thinking, except William was directly dirtying his hands by torturing Xavier, while Cantrip was just accepting that Alan killed some people.)

I think there’s something to say for how William creates a vision of Cantrip out of smoke, distorting her into some monster, and how that’s the last time we see her image at all before learning of the fact that she’s. Gone.

The last time we see the real Jade, she’s just trying to escape. She doesn’t even talk, if I remember correctly. She just tries to get out. She gets shot in the arm but still persists.

And William ends up being the one who pulls the trigger; who injects the memory loss shit into her blood.

He’s the one who kills her, despite not knowing it at the time.

And David still masquerades as an innocent man, going as far as to relax at his apartment with him and William’s parents as though the events of the previous night never happened.

It fucks me up how the last words that Will and David exchanged before the confrontation in the apartment was:

“Don’t turn into a supervillain while I’m gone.”

“You either.”

William was starting to believe that David was a guy with awful methods, but good intentions— and William felt as though he was the same way. He saw himself becoming David, but David manipulated him into thinking that, hey, it’s awful, but at least he wouldn’t be… alone, I guess, in being a horrible person.

William and David finally saw eye to eye on the worst thing.

And David. Still. Lied.

Lied by omission.

And Jade was the one who took the fall for William’s actions. Jade, the girl who made fun of William for his crush on Vyncent. Jade, who had a sister she cared about, even if she scoffed about her love of heroes— despite the implication that their parents died because of them (likely caught in crossfire or casualties of battle). Jade, who painted her nails and placed bets on William kissing Vyncent, saying he’d be too pussy to do so. Jade, who found herself in a fucking fighting arena of all places but still found friends through it.

Jade, who was the first one to trust William with her actual name instead of Cantrip.

William, who killed her.

And. Fucking Christ.

Vyncent’s monologue at the end of episode 33 just. Fucks me up.

For the entire greyscale series, he finds himself suspended in inaction, too scared to do the right thing and too scared to stop the wrong thing.

But he finally faces it. He looks at William, certainly with fear after knowing all that he’s done, and even still, Vyncent dances around the morality of the subject. He accepts if William wants to flat-out lie to Dakota’s face about what happened at Bell Tech, though he does warn him of the significant damage it’ll do to their friendship.

And when William asks Vyncent to leave the room at the end of the episode, Vyncent finally takes a leap and becomes no longer caught by his indecision between apathy and guilt.

He looks at William, thinking he’s on the edge of something he won’t come back from, and he takes his hand, and pulls Wlliam back from the metaphorical cliff’s edge. If William does fall, then they’re falling together.

His entire proclamation, starting with “I’ve had so many opportunities to do the right thing”, fucking guts me.

God I’ve been typing for like. An hour now but the greyscale series really fucked me up holy shit.

tldr: AAAAUUUUIGGHHHHKEKGKKSKVMEMGOOCU:$)&2’ynkejvjk4&3&582$2!:$?82&;&/&(929@,@2&(&2&&?EVIL EVIL EVIL GOD IS DEADDDDJGKRMHKSKKKKLLEKCKSJGJKSICIWKFMSKGIWIIIAI&383&5&?&?@39(92@?&&/8:7;&,£,]*+\+<*]¥<**]+<+¥sfkwkfkkwjfkI HATE EVERYTHING AOUUGGGHHHHHH OUUUUUUEHEHRHRHRJKGHRHRHRRRRRRR

i am emotionally attached to this media a normal amount

[sandwichcipher]

dawn fm - the weeknd

so i wanted to add more DIVERSITY to my tumblr page so I’m posting my review that I posted on my discord about the weeknd’s latest album, dawn fm. just a reminder, i rushed wrote this and did it during school on a march evening last year.

enjoy!

Throughout the course of the pandemic, The Weeknd had his biggest moments to date. From a successful roll-out of his album, After Hours, to sweeping awards for “Blinding Lights” and “Save Your Tears”, to performing at the Super Bowl, it seemed like he hit his peak, as he had been successful with Starboy and Beauty Behind The Madness which his biggest singles are on. In 2021, he released the first single of his, at the time, upcoming album, known as “The Dawn”, called Take My Breath. It peaked at number 6 on the Billboard Top 200 charts. Critics praised the song for its’ dance pop direction, thanks to producer Max Martin, and his vocals on the song reminding them of Michael Jackson. Fans now expected a disco, synth-pop heavy album. He then began teasing the album once-more towards the beginning of the year, promising for an early release for the fans as he believed during the rough times, music helps. He released the album, DAWN FM on January 7th, 2022 with widespread acclaim from critics, praising the music’s “enchantment” and being more upbeat than his previous records. Why I picked this album is how perfect it is. From the opening title track, the heaven-sent synthesizers giving you a feeling approaching heaven. The lyrics based of death, continuing off the previous records’ theme, as this is a sequel to After Hours.  Jim Carrey’s narration sounds so relaxing and it really does makes me wish Jim Carrey could have his very own radio station. The next track, Gasoline, at first listen, caught me by surprise yet I still loved the song. Lyrics relating to trying to find hope after death, as one of the lyrics describes “it’s 5am, I’m nihilist, I know there’s nothing after this.” Pouring out the gasoline, I believe, means to burn his soul or to burn his body. The production on Gasoline feels very eery and yet, you can dance to it. I really enjoy this song a LOT, his lower pitch voice fits the production. The next track, How Do I Make You Love Me? The production is fucking PERFECTION. Everything about this song is perfection, and I’m obsessed with the song. There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t listen to this song, this song is everything to me. The way it transitions into the next song, Take My Breath, which was the lead single, is perfect. Take My Breath, at first listen, I did enjoy the single but yet I never came back to it as much as I wanted to. It wasn’t until before the album came out where I listened to it more and appreciated it, and was mixed towards the extended version being used, but I now prefer the extended version. The longer intro, the longer bridge, so amazing. The next song, which was the second single, Sacrifice. I fucking ADORE this song. The production is on point, his vocals are outstanding. Just absolute perfection. I really love this album from top to bottom, Out Of Time, gave me Michael Jackson’s “Human Nature” vibes. Tyler’s verse on “Here We Go Again” was a bit short but however it still satisfied me enough after his run of music & features during the CMIYGL era. “Best Friends” is really good, the production is a bit simple but the transition into “Is There Someone Else” is fucking AMAZING. Hearing it on the livestream, I screamed. Now, “Is There Someone Else” is out of this fucking world. When he teased this song, I was DESPERATE to hear it. The song was what I wanted for that one week, I would always keep that section on repeat. The transition onto Starry Eyes was great. I’m glad that he didn’t connect Starry Eyes to ITSE because I think the replay value for the song would’ve been very short for me. The “skit” Every Angel Is Terrifying, very fitting to the radio theme. “Don’t Break My Heart” is very outstanding and perfect. It had me crying. I don’t really like “I Heard You’re Married,” only due to Lil Wayne’s verse being somewhat disappointing but it’s still listenable. Less Than Zero… WHAT THE FUCK WAS THIS MAN ON MAKING THE SONG IT’S BEAUTIFUL. IT REMINDED ME OF SAVE YOUR TEARS. I CAN’T DESCRIBE HOW MUCH I ADORE THIS SONG TOO. The ending, Phantom Regret, wow. It ended the album perfectly and Jim’s narration… really… it really made me happy. This album is a 10/10. Please listen to it if you haven’t. Favorite Songs: Gasoline, How Do I Make You Love Me?, Take My Breath, Sacrifice, Out Of Time, Here We Go Again…, Is There Someone Else?, Don’t Break My Heart, Less Than Zero

[fuckstudy]

Hey, I have a question regarding test anxiety. I'm a junior in high school right now (11th grade) and I was diagnosed with GAD in 9th grade. But I'll admit that I was a mess in 9th grade - I didn't do my work, it was always rushed, my depression was terrible, I never focused and my GPA was in the gutter. But last year, in 10th grade, I improved a lot. I improved my work habits, I focused, I did everything I possibly could. And I actually did well. I managed to pull a 3.78. Not too shabby. +

(cont) + and this year I’m continuing my work habits. I’m in the IB Diploma programme so the courses are a lot harder but I swear to god I’m trying. But my GPA dropped to a 3.6 and I promised myself I would bring it up. And I studied so goddamn hard for my exams, I swear I did, but I got a C on my business exam. And my grade dropped, and my GPA dropped. I review a lot, I swear. I had a study session with one of the smartest people in my biology class and we went over everything. She told me not +

+ but I can really see that I need the help. My thoughts are drifting toward suicide, and as much as I know that I SHOULD ask for help, I don’t WANT to. My GPA dropped to a 3.4 today. I was at a friend’s house when I found out and I just went to the toilet and cried. All my life (before 9th grade) I was a straight A student. I got awards, I was athletic, I was an all-rounder. But now? I’m stupid, I’m fat, I’m ugly. I can’t do anything right. +

+ I feel like I’m constantly cheating people? I don’t think that makes sense. By people call me smart because I understand the material and I can easily explain it to them, but they don’t know that I don’t do well on tests. And I feel like I’m cheating them and hiding who I truly am. A couple of my friends know, but they don’t really help me out. I mean, yes, they’re there for me. But it’s not directly helping with my anxiety. ++ and I’m sorry for this long message. I don’t know why I sent it on anon to you, because you can’t help me from behind a computer screen, and that’s perfectly okay. I get it. It’s okay, really. But I think I just needed to vent. I need some sort of validation that I’ll do okay in life and I won’t flunk out of high school. I’m just…I’m tired. All the trying and still failing is frustrating me so much. I’m about to just quit trying at all. Why bother? +

+ I’ve tried everything - breathing slowly, reviewing more, clenching and relaxing my muscles, everything. But nothing seems to help me and I just get more and more nervous. Anyway, I’m sorry for this rant. I just really needed to let all this out somewhere. Thank you.

Hi anon, 

Thank you for yourmessage. Thank you for having the courage to share this with me and forreaching out - everyone needs a space to vent and I'm glad that I could helpyou in that regard.

My answer is noreplacement for medical advice, which I actively encourage you to seek ifnecessary. However, from the tone of your message it sounds like you want afriend, someone to listen to you as opposed to medical advice that you'vepreviously sought.

I'm no doctor, but Ican be a friend. 

On working hard and not receiving the grade you want

From your academichistory it sounds like you're a very capable student. I do not doubt for asecond that you've studied hard, dedicated yourself to your studies, andstepped up to meet the challenges of the IB Diploma. Just because your academicresults do not reflect that effort, doesn't mean that it was all done in vain,or that it was a waste of time. Just because you didn't get an A, doesn't meanyou didn't try. 

I was raised on thephilosophy that "if I didn't achieve the best result, obviously I didn'ttry hard enough, and therefore I need to work harder." But life doesn'twork that way. The academic system does not work that way. You can try hard and still fail. Becausethere's a thousand and one factors that are beyond your control, no matter howhard you've tried to control them, or mitigate their adverse effects.  Success is not a reward that youautomatically are entitled to just because you've worked hard.

The grade youreceive will never ever be an accurate reflection of the effort or thesacrifice that you put in. It only accounts for your performance in that tinysnapshot of time - at that exam hall, in that hour, of that one day of yourlife. That's it. It doesn't tell me whether you're a good person, doesn't tellme anything about your sense of humour, what tv shows you like, what songs youlike to sing in the shower, what your favourite flavour of ice cream is. Itdoesn't tell me whether you're a morning person or a night owl.

What hurts is whenwe fail to meet our own expectations. And how we deal with them. I've writtensome posts addressing those points here and here.

On practical advice re: test anxiety

Once again, ifyou've found that seeking professional medical help has assisted in the past, Ihighly recommend that you seek it out. 

Personally, when Ireceive a grade that I'm disappointed in I try to frame it this way: "Itwasn't because I didn't put in enough effort - it was because I was directingmy efforts in the wrong direction."

Its not about howmany hours you study - its about whether your studying habits are addressingthe assessment criteria.

This requires you totailor your studying habits to your curriculum and assessment style.

Don't learn thingsyou won't be assessed on. Prioritise the topics you need to learn by referenceto how much time your teacher spent on it during class, the proportion of thecourse the topic took up in your semester, and whether or not you've been assessedon the topic prior to the exam or not. Ask your teachers. Alternatively, deducewhat your exam will be like by looking at the format of past exams.

Find some time toreplicate exam conditions - for example, doing practice exam questions, workingunder time pressure.  Set up familiarpatterns of behaviour you can replicate in the exam hall - for example, I wouldalways have my watch on the top right hand side of the table and place my sparepens right under, with my waterbottle on the floor. Going through the samesequence of events when I entered the exam hall helped me "get into themindset" and calm me down.  

Whilst nothingreally ever compared to the 'exam' hall for me, I found that being 'familiar'with what to expect made me feel much more prepared when I sat the exam. Sure,my hands still shook when I entered the exam room, and I still felt like Iwanted to hurl, but due to conditioning, my mind adapted to working under thatkind of pressure. And whilst I wasn't performing as well as I would be had Itaken the same question home and "studied" it; at least I wasperforming in an exam environment.

And in the end, that's what it boils down to: it doesn't really matter whetheror not you're performing at 100% in the exam hall - as long as you're puttingsomething on the page, you will be ok. It wont be perfect, but you're gettingthe fuck through it.

And yes, all the"general" tips apply. However, if you're finding that they're nothelping, be brave and seek advice from elsewhere - whether that be medicalhelp, online, journaling, or having an activity outside of the hectic hell holethat is high school.

On getting help

"Knowing"and "accepting" something are two very, very different things.Knowing that you need help doesn't mean you accept that you need it. Acceptingthat you need help does not automatically mean you will get help. And that'sok. Give yourself time to assess your options. Don't feel like it's a "race" to get help - no one should beforcing you to 'get help' nor judging whether or not you do. It's yourrecovery.

But give yourself awarning flag - a threshold that, once breached, will be a sign for you tore-evaluate your options.

Friends are friends.And good intentions are just that - intentions. They don't magically translateto a cure. And its great that they're there for you. But support, whilstuseful, doesn't mean that things will automatically be ok.

Because in the end,its something for you to accomplish.

I think of it as aship. My friends are my crew - they row the boat with me, we share funnystories about what we see on the sea, we swear and curse and cry and love.They'll support me through thick and thin. But in the end I'm the captain of myship, I need to steer the ship in the right course. I still need to call theshots. So we can all get there together.

On imposter's syndrome

Anon, I feel thisall too keenly. 

As someone who has'held themselves out' to be studious, or to be smart, or who completed  an 'advanced degree so oh my god you must besmart', when I don't meet those supposed expectations, I feel like I am animposter. Like somehow, I've "talked to talk" but failed to"walk the walk"

I feel like I don'tdeserve my achievements.

That some day,someone is going to see me for who I am and take all those achievements awayfrom me.

But it boils down tothis: I feel like I needed to 'prove' myself to people.

But why?  You don't need to be perfect, you don't needto be "the smartest person" just because you've been labelled as"smart". You're human - which means you can be a duality of things.You can be study-smart, but street stupid. You can be street smart but studystupid. You can excel in practical application but be at a loss when it comesto theoretical application.

You don't need to beperfect to be "genuine".

You're human. You'reallowed to make mistakes. You are more than this stupid arbitrary box that thepeople around you have chosen to define you by.

And you are morethan your academics. Just because your ability to explain things verbally isn'treflected in your written grades doesn't mean you're "dumb" orcheating, or hiding who you truly are. It probably attests to how you're averbal communicator. And in the end that's only one very small piece of thepuzzle. Who you are doesn't stop at that first sentence.

 I'm a law graduate.I'm smart. I also procrastinate the shit out of everything and regularly pullall nighters, drink too much, stay in bed all day, cry and feel lost.

 All those sentencesare accurate. Who I am doesn't stop at the first full stop.

You're not hiding who you truly are. They're just notgiving you a chance to elaborate on that picture.

On how you are going to get through this

You will get throughthis. You've picked yourself up before and pushed through. You don't need to bethat "all rounder" - you just need to be the version of you who you'dlike to be at this point, at this time. It'll come in small steps, your smallvictories of the day - but define them and celebrate them.  

Remember life is not a collection of binary outcomes.Just because you didn't get an "A" does not mean that you've failed.Just because you're not "athletic" doesn't mean you're"fat". There's so many shades of grey in between. It's not one or theother; its just a work in progress. 

Keep working on it.

Its easy for me tosay because I've completed high school, university, all that jazz. Hindsightand all that. But you will get through this - tooth and nail. And when you comeout on the other side, you'll be able to help others to get through too. Find somethingthat will get you through - heck it doesn't need to be some "life longpassion or dream" that every movie and studyblr talks about - it justneeds to be something small, something that will get you out of bed, somethingthat will help you be kinder to yourself. 

And when its doneand dusted, I can't promise you that life will be perfect, or that you'll havethe life you're dreaming of, but I can promise you that it'll be different towhere you are now.

And sometimes, thehope of change is all we need to get through.

And finally, on how its really, really, really ok to send melong messages  

I can't stress toyou how much I admire your bravery for sharing your experiences with me. I'mnot confident that this message will change anything, or fix anything. But Ihope, at the very least, its helped you feel less alone.

For a moment.

Because messageslike yours are the only reason why I continue to run this shitshow of a blog.

So thank you.

All the best anon.I'm rooting for you.

[poisoned-peppermint]

Incorrect quotes my beloved

quench your thirst my beloveds

~~Long post~~

Wilbur: At your wifes house rn ;) she hitting me with a broom

~~~~~~~~

Bad: Catch me gardening topless at 5am telling my baby tomato plant about my bad dream

~~~~~~~

Skeppy: I got bitten on my walk by a great dane

Bad: My God - imagine if it had been a small child

Skeppy: I could have fought off a small child, Bad

~~~~~~~

*texting*

Skeppy: I wanted to kiss you today

Bad: Why didn’t you

Skeppy: Can't reach your face

~~~~~~~

Bad: Why are you calling me on your day off?

Skeppy: I need your help. I’ve done something bad, very bad.

Bad: Put the corpse on ice, I’m on my way.

Skeppy: What? No, it’s not-- why would I--

~~~~~~~

Tubbo: Tall people: if we are walking together please take into consideration my tiny legs. I can’t keep up with you. Please think of my tiny legs i don’t want to be jogging to keep up with your leisurely stroll you TITANS

Ranboo: Just get a pair of roller skates and hang on to my sleeve, we don’t have all day.

~~~~~~~

Bad: *demon bf that insists on making pacts for every little thing*       

"i will do the dishes... for a price (kissies)"

~~~~~~~~

Skeppy: I like your pants.

Bad: Thanks. They were 50% off.

Skeppy: I’d like them 100% off.

Bad: The store can’t just give clothes away.

Skeppy: That's not what I-

Bad: That’s a terrible way to run a business, Skeppy.

~~~~~~~~

Bad: It just feels amazing to finally spread my legs and be the person that I am.

Skeppy: ... You just said, 'spread your legs'.

Bad: I just said spr- spread my wings.

~~~~~~~

Bad: I thought I told you to stay in the car.

Skeppy: You did. But I thought it was boring, and you were in trouble.

~~~~~~~

Bad: Why me?

Skeppy: Because people like you. You're quiet. You say, ‘excuse me’. You look like little birds help you get dressed in the morning.

~~~~~~~

Bad: We're having another moment, aren't we?

Skeppy: If by a moment, you mean me not wanting to strangle you for the first time since we met, then I guess we are.

~~~~~~~

Bad: We both look very handsome tonight.

Skeppy: You know, if you’d just said that I looked handsome, I would have said, ‘so do you’.

Bad: I couldn’t take that chance.

~~~~~~~~

Bad: Jail's no fun, I'll tell you that.

Skeppy: You've been?

Bad: Once, in Monopoly.

~~~~~~~~

Bad: Is everything all right, Skeppy? You seem distracted. Usually, I get at least a glimmer of a smile from my remarks, the occasional eye roll. I think I got a snort once.

~~~~~~~

DreamXD: We have fun, don’t we, George?

George: I have never been more stressed out in my entire life.

~~~~~~~

Bad: This is the worst thing you've ever done!

Skeppy: You know, you say it so much it's lost all its meaning.

~~~~~~~

Skeppy: Frankly, I would say I'm gayer than you.

Bad: How are you gayer than I am?

Skeppy: Well, I wear a man purse.

Bad: That's not gay! That's hideous! And if you were as gay as I am, you'd know that!

~~~~~~~

Bad, about Skeppy: I don't have a crush on them. They’re just someone I stare at and I like and when they’re not here, it ruins my day.

~~~~~~~

Skeppy: You think I really give a fuck? I can’t even read.

~~~~~~~

Dream: You can de-escalate any situation by simply saying, 'Are we about to kiss?'

Dream: Doesn't work for getting out of speeding tickets, by the way.

~~~~~~~

Dream, motioning to a Halloween display: All these ghosts! All these ghosts! I still can’t find a boo

~~~~~~~

Dream: I’d like to offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals.

~~~~~~~

Dream: You're right.

George: That's... That's an unusual phrase for you. Did you just learn it?

~~~~~~~

Dream: George... Why did you draw a pentagram on the floor?

George: Your text told me to satanize the house before you returned.

Dream:

Dream: I wrote sanitize, George.

~~~~~~~

Karl, in a high voice, holding barbie: hey ken! I was thinking about going back to school and starting a career!

Sapnap, in a deep voice, holding ken: nonsense, barbie. you’re staying home and having my kids

Quackity: what the fuck are you guys doing?

Karl: playing systemic oppression

~~~~~~~

Karl, trying to ask Sapnap out: Would you like to stay for dinner?

Quackity: WOULD YOU LIKE TO STAY FOREVER?

~~~~~~~

Tubbo: I’m doing what I can to jog your memory.

Ranboo: It’s jogging, I guess. Its tiddies are jiggling a little.

Tubbo: Nice

~~~~~~~

Tubbo: My future partner must be brave, strong, intelligent, successful and organized. 

Ranboo: *steps on a caterpillar and proceeds to drop to their knees and sob while apologizing profusely*

Tubbo: That one. I want that one.

~~~~~~

Ranboo: So, I’ve been thinking Tubbo-

Tubbo: That’s dangerous.

~~~~~~~

Ranboo, watching power lines fall down: Tommy, Tubbo! The town is exploding and it’s very pretty!

~~~~~~~~

George: Dream, I don’t think I can handle any more of your tomfuckery.

Dream: Oh yeah? Well I can keep going until you’re all tomfuckered out!

~~~~~~~

Bad: I lost my fish, can you help me find it?

Skeppy, cooking the fish: What? I couldn’t hear you, please speak up.

~~~~~~~~

Bad: *Takes a sip of milk and gags*

Bad: Oh my god, is this expired?

Bad: *Takes another sip of milk*

~~~~~~~~

Skeppy: You have Crayons?

Bad: Yes, I have—

Skeppy: You're— how old are you?

Bad: YES I AM AN ADULT AND I HAVE CRAYONS, I HAVE A BOX OF EMERGENCY CRAYONS IN THE CABINET UNDER THE TV BECAUSE EVERYBODY NEEDS CRAYONS SOMETIMES, OKAY? EVERYBODY NEEDS CRAYONS.

~~~~~~~~

will make more <3

[100layersofdaddyissues]

Angel - Chapter 3

ITS HERE ITS FINALLY HERE IM SO SORRY. UGH THAT TOOK SO LONG.

but there it is chapter three. I literally wrote most of this chapter while i was in the lobbies of among us games. 

Warnings: Smut, swearing nothing too bad this chapter. 

words: 4.2K!!!!!!!

As the sun rose on the city, your alarm decided to screech its ugly voice across the whole apartment. Why you had decided that waking up at 5am, when you didn’t start work at your new job in Lord Industries at 9am, was absolutely beyond you. You chalked it up to nerves. I mean sure, you were fucking the owner and CEO but that doesn’t mean you’re going to become complacent about this position. Not only were you working in the largest company in most of the country, but you were also Head Marketing for your city’s division. 

           You started your day as you would any other workday, groaning and convincing yourself that leaving bed was worth it. After that, it was coffee and shower time, and if you were lucky you could throw in a cigarette on the balcony, and since you didn’t need to leave for another 4 and a half hours you thought you might just test your luck with multiple. 

Halfway through your shower you heard the phone ringing, you trudged out to the phone wondering who in god’s name was calling at 4:23am. To your great (and welcomed) surprise, it was Darius. “My dearest I’ve been told to inform you that I will be picking you up today, I’ll be at your door by 7:30. So, be ready.” 7:30? That was a whole hour before you were planning on leaving the comfort and security of your new home. 

           “Darius, I didn’t think we started until 9am why are you picking me up so early?” you queried. 

“Well, it seems Maxwell doesn’t want you catching a cab but also did not offer for me to take you both so obviously this means that I will be picking you up first and making me work extra hard.” 

           Oh. he doesn’t want to ride with you to work. You considered that it was perhaps because he didn’t want to incite rumors, but you found it strange, but nonetheless you told Darius that this would be fine and that you would see him at 7:30. An hour early. 

Only you didn’t see Darius at 7:30, in fact you didn’t even see him at 8, it wasn’t until 8:15 hit that you heard any word from him. “Darius I was just about to call a cab you never came? Is everything okay?” 

“Well, it seems Mr. Lord has contracted an illness, called a hangover. I picked him up at 6:30 to get McDonalds. I’ve already dropped him at work, I suspect he’s napping in his office as we speak.” you couldn’t help but laugh at the idea of Max laying on the floor of his office completely passed out. “I’ll be down in a moment, just let me pick out my shoes.” you said back to him, “ahh so I’ll see you by sundown.” Darius quipped back in a lighthearted way. If things ever went belly up with Max, you really hoped you could keep Darius around. 

The ride to the building was filled with the banter you’d become accustomed to with Darius, until you were pulling up to a big silver building, the largest in the city, obviously. You were in absolute shock and awe when you stepped out of the car, you’d thought for a moment in time, ‘woah, this is what ants feel like.’

“Hello ma’am could I see your ID and security badge please?” were the first words you heard when you walked through the doors to the lobby, you stammered over your sentences confused, you didn’t have a security badge, you didn’t realise you’d need one, Maxwell had never mentioned it. “Thank you, Keith, that won’t be necessary, Miss Y/N here is our new head of marketing, I’ve been tasked by Maxwell to escort her to his office.” Darius said coming up behind you. You hadn’t even realised that he had left the car, but here he was escorting you up the escalators. “Ahh yes, I see, of course.” the security guard, Keith, said with a sly smile and a wink. You knew what that meant, and it churned your stomach to think about. How many times had Max given his one-night stands jobs? If he was willing to do it for you, he was willing to do it for others. 

Unfortunately, your question was answered the moment you reached the top floor where Maxwell’s office sat. he had 4, beautiful, well-shaped, pardon your French but devilishly fucking sexy assistants. Why he would need more than one exceptional looking assistant was a question that in itself was the answer. 

“You can’t go in there, Mr. Lord doesn’t like visitors in the morning, he’s especially not looking for new, meat.” one of them all but sneered at you. “Holly if you would quit blabbering, I think I’d like to escort your new head of marketing to your boss if you don’t mind. Will that be okay with you?” Darius was on a roll today in saving you from situations with people. 

As you walked into his office, Maxwell was, surprisingly, upright, on a phone call, drinking coffee and looking all but exasperated. He opened his eyes for only a minute to point at you and then the chair in front of you, and at this Darius left the room and you had no savior from this situation because Maxwell, well, he looked mad. You were worried you’d already done something to upset you and that’s just what you needed right now. An angry man who housing you and providing you job security and most importantly, orgasm security. 

For almost 10 minutes you sat in that chair waiting for Maxwell to be off the phone, never looking up, as to avoid eye contact. When he finally hung up the phone Maxwell stood up, came around the desk and sighed heavily saying, “god I’m glad you’re here,” before all but smashing his lips to yours. Okay. not upset. That’s good, that’s easy to deal with. “I’ve only been here an hour and already I’m just ready to go to your apartment and fuck all my frustration out.” well you weren’t expecting that per se but it’s a welcome surprised. 

“Well, stop me if this is too unprofessional, but you have a perfectly good table to bend me over.” you said, looking up at him through your lashes, trying to look innocent. 

“God you’re incredible woman.” he said pulling you out of your chair and oh would you look at that, bending you over his desk. 

“I really hope you didn’t buy any pants in that shopping haul of yours because having access to your pretty pussy at work is going to work so well for both of us, he said hiking your skirt up just enough so he could pull down your panties, he bent over you until his mouth was hovering at your ear, “you’re going to need to be quiet angel, don’t want anyone getting the wrong idea about you now do we?” and before even finishing his sentence his thrust his cock straight into you. It took everything in you to not cry out, but you bit the back of your hand to keep yourself quiet. 

“God it’s only been two days and I missed this pussy, how have I fucked you so hard so often and you’re still this tight? You’re fucking magical, aren’t you? You and your magical cunt are going to kill me, you know that? If I could stop sleeping to have more time to fuck this pussy I would if I could starve myself from food and only eat you dear god I would. So, fucking good.” 

“I thought you said we had to be quiet?” you said to him, with a small smirk on your face that quickly vanished as he spanked your ass a few times, then started thrusting into you with such force you thought you might slip open, he pulled you hair to bring you up against his chest, “that shut you up, didn’t it, you fucking brat,” he said replacing your hair in his hand for your throat. 

Within minutes he was Cumming right into you, he must have realized you hadn’t come yet, only stopping for a split second to pull out, spin you around and replace his cock with his fingers, pushing his cum, back into your cunt, finger fucking you until you were once again about to bite into your hand, when Max switched hands and shoved his cum coated fingers in your mouth to keep you quiet. As you cum around his hand and screamed around the other one, Max could only look at you with lust blown pupils. 

“Well, I think this is the best first day I’ve ever had.” you said to him, completely breathless. 

“It’s about to get better angel, let me show you to your office.” 

He was right, your office did make it better. It was a big, beautiful space, with high ceilings, timber floors and a view to die for, you truly didn’t know how you got so lucky just from a random hookup, but you weren’t but to look a gift horse in the mouth. 

“Max this is absolutely beautiful, did the head of marketing get this office too?” you asked in wonderment. 

Well, actually no, this was my office, but I’ve taken over my father’s office, I think it’s about time I moved into it and you gave the motivation to do so.” his smile was small, but it was sincere, you think that might have been the first sincere smile you’d seen from Max. 

“I’ll let you get acquainted with your new space if you have any questions, my extension is 0204 okay? If any of my assistants give you any grief, just tell them that their bonuses are on the line they’ll smart right up. I promise.” Maxwell gave me a wink and then shut the door. You walked around the room, gingerly touching the walls, the painting, slowly sliding your hand across your desk, you felt a sense of pride wash over you as you sat at your desk, you weren’t really sure what to do first, you searched around your desk for notes, maybe the previous person in your position left. 

Just as you thought you’d found them, your door swung open, a woman with burgundy hair and a bright pink skirt suit walked through the door. 

“Hello sweetheart, I’m here to help you out, I’m your assistant and Mr. Lord told me that you’d be starting today I figured that he wouldn’t have told you anything, so I thought I’d come give you the rundown, I was the last guys assistant too.” she was really perky, very upbeat for 9:13 in the morning. “Oh, you probably think I’m so rude, my name is Sookie, Sookie Amelia Jersey, it’s nice to meet you?” he hadn’t even told anyone your name yet? Okay feeling less special now. 

“y/n my name is y/n y/l/n but just call me y/n, thank you so much I really have no idea what I have to be doing.” you said trying not to sound like you weren’t supposed to be there or that you didn’t know what you were doing. Which you didn’t. But she didn’t need to know that. 

“Well then let’s get right to it.” and with that, you and Sookie started talking business. 

 It seemed like the time was going so slow, that was until the door swung open once again, only this time Darius stood at the door, coffees, and an ominous brown bag. “I knew you wouldn’t have eaten, so I’ve brought sustenance, oh hello Miss Jersey.” Darius really just knew everyone, maybe he’s a wizard. 

“Darius you are absolute life saver, I think you might be the love of my life.” you said with utter certainty that Sookie now probably thinks there’s something going on between you guys. Ahh if only she knew. 

“And you are mine, dear, but before we begin planning the wedding might I suggest food?” he places the coffee down on the table and what you can now see are croissants. Hmm, 4 coffees, 4 croissants. And as if on cue Darius mutters that he’ll be back as he needs to deliver Max his lunch. 

“I didn’t realise you were already in with Darius. That man took me four years to crack, another two for him to start bringing me food, and here you are on your first day on a first name basis? Who did you fuck to get that treatment?” oh god had she caught on? Does this happen a lot? Does Max give jobs to everyone he fucks? Your mind is running a million miles an hour when you sheepishly laugh and tell some lie about how Darius was an old friend. She seemed to buy it as she moved on to talking more about marketing and what you’ll need to do. 

Soon it was the end of the day and Darius was back at your door telling you to meet him at the car. You said goodbye to Sookie and apologized for stopping her from working. 

You left the building and walked to the car seeing Maxwell in the back of the car. Oh. so now he’s good enough to go home with you but not to come to work with you. You see how it is. 

           You greeted him as you entered the car only for him to point at the phone, you looked at Darius in the rear-view mirror and you both shared a look between you that said, “here we go.” 

           Maxwell was on the phone the entire ride back to your apartment, only removing the receiver from his ear to say, “wear something classy I’ll be back at 7.” 

           What? 

           Its Maxwell Lord, you decided it would be safer for you to heed his warning and just wait to find out what happens. Maybe he just wanted to fuck someone high class tonight. 

            As it neared closer to 7 you kept meticulously checking your hair and makeup, making sure there was nothing on the red gown you’d chosen to wear. You really hoped you would figure out what was going on first, so you didn’t need have anxiety waiting to find out. 

           Just before you could contemplate jumping off the fire escape there was a sharp knock at the door, and a very sharply dressed Maxwell. 

           “Hello angel, I’m here to escort you to your first lord industries gala. You look incredible and I am definitely going to ravish you later, but we really should be going.” he all but pulled your arm out of its socket as he led you out of your door towards the elevator 

           “I don’t mean to sound clueless, but what gala? I haven’t been told about a gala?” you said to him, sounding slightly timid. 

           “Oh? Did I not tell you? We’re having a gala to celebrate the surplus budget this quarter and has my new head of management I thought it only proper to escort you there myself. Plus, there will be some CEOs from rival companies there, I do love to gloat to my competitors.” there was a new air around Max, he looked more pristine and confident. Tonight, was going to be intense you could already feel it. Even on the drive over he was, happier? Maybe he really did just get a kick out of showing off. You understood that. You couldn’t lie and say that it didn’t excite you to be walking in on Maxwell’s arm. To have all eyes staring at you wondering who you were and what you were doing with him. 

           As you arrived at the gala there was a slew of cameras lining a beautiful gold carpet. “We always go with gold because red is overdone, and Lord Industries is revolutionary. Were made of gold baby.” well that explained it. Not that you were questioning it, he did seem like the type to break the mould when it comes to luxury. I mean he was housing you just for the luxury of having convenient sex. It just seemed to fit Max really.

           Exiting the car, the barrage of flashes and yelling hit you like a wall, it was a wonder you didn’t freeze up under the pressure, but you walked next to Max with all the poise and confidence you could muster. The photographers were yelling questions at Max, not at you, but they were all asking about you, you kept your head forward and so did Maxwell. He didn’t say anything while walking past them and up the stairs, his expression only changed after entering the building. He turned to you and praised your level of composure before leading you up to two large doors. On the other side you could hear music and chatter, you wondered why you weren’t entering until you heard an announcer say “Folks, I’m sure were all having an absolute stellar time, but I’d like to draw your attention to the man of the hour, Mr. Maxwell Lord.” his voice rang out over large speakers as the doors opened and Maxwell lead you into the ballroom to polite applause. 

           You were stunned at how many people there were standing in the ballroom, you stood there feeling quite awkward at the stares that were being passed your way and the slight glares coming from some of the women, (and a few men) in the room. 

           “My friends and guests, thank you all so much for coming tonight and while I can appreciate that you would all like to go back to drinking my champagne id first like to introduce someone to you, your new head of marketing for Lord Industries, Miss Y/N Y/L/N. I’m sure she’ll fit right in with us and help us continue to be the frontier for this country.” Max had an excellent public speaking voice; he commanded the room, and you couldn’t lie. You got kind of wet seeing him so, for lack of a better word, bossy. 

           Max leaned in and whispered to you, “go mingle, if you need anything Darius will be floating around.” and then he was gone leaving you to your devices. 

           Thankfully, Sookie found you almost immediately, “I just knew he’d leave you floundering the moment you got here, he’s probably already in the bathrooms giving one of his assistants a ‘bonus’ doesn’t worry sweetheart I’ve got you covered ill introduce you to the actual important people.” and so she did. Within the hour you’d met the head of sales, Mary, head of finance, Samuel, and their assistants, Lorelai, and June. she showed you (but absolutely did not introduce you to) the head of Human Resources, Marcus, who was (in her words) a total douchebag, the head of purchasing, Manny, who apparently would want to corrupt you, you didn’t want to ask what that meant but you had some idea and wanted to laugh because if only Sookie knew. By the time you’d met Jenny, lady who ran the coffee shop in the lobby, Darius had found you both and you sighed a breath of relief, you loved Sookie, but you still weren’t too familiar with her. 

           “My dear you look exquisite I told you that you would look amazing in that dress.” Darius said with one of the biggest smiles you’d ever seen him wear. “You’re drunk aren’t you Darius.” you laughed at him; he was wobbling a bit. 

           “Y/N I am offended that you think I would drink at a work function. But yes, I am absolutely sloshed. Galas are the only nights I can get so drunk I can’t walk, and Maxwell doesn’t fire me, he says it’s good for me to let go, I have no idea what he’s talking about. I am very relaxed all the time, who wouldn’t be working for the prince of darkness. Oh god he’s not behind me, is he?” 

           “Darius you’re rambling, he’s not behind you, I haven’t seen you since he left me at the start.” you said trying to get him to stop talking so rapidly.” 

           “Well, my dear he has seen you; he’s been staring at you since Sookie found you.” Darius’ head vaguely pointed to the wall behind him, you stole a glance and sure enough there was Maxwell, talking to someone but not paying attention to them, he was staring right into your soul, it wasn’t a glare or even angry in anyway, but it was intense, like he was trying to read your mind. Somehow you believed he actually might be able to. You gave him a small smile and he nodded his head in your direction. You looked back at Darius, “he’s probably just making sure I don’t embarrass him.” you said trying to write off the fact that he was staring. Trying to convince him it meant nothing. Or yourself that it meant nothing and that there definitely was not butterflies in your stomach. 

           An hour passed as you and Sookie milled around the room, you lost Darius at champagne number three, with him and Sookie both calling you a prude for not drinking, and you telling them every time that you hated champagne and would much prefer tequila. 

           Suddenly a hand tapped you on the shoulder, you spun around expecting Max, or Darius or literally anyone else. But not henry. Not your ex-boss Henry Giorgio. “Y/N it’s so good to see you! I was quite surprised to hear that you had left us, but I can see why, head of marketing and you get to fuck the boss? What a steal!” your eyes widened from shock not just at seeing him but hearing what he said, you grabbed his arm and dragged him towards a wall telling Sookie that you’d be back right away. “What do you mean fucking the boss? I am not sleeping with Mr. Lord and I will not have you come here and try to embarrass me just because I wouldn’t sleep with you.” your voice was low but harsh as you spoke you him. 

           “Oh, please darling, this is Maxwell, every time a new woman under 30 starts at his company everyone knows that it because he’s sleeping with her, but you got head of marketing, you must have really shown him a good time, I mean everyone else just gets assistant jobs, but you, well that must have been a good blowjob.” he was snarky and rude, and you felt like you were going to cry. 

           “Oh, don’t tell me I’ve hurt your feelings, what did you think was going to happen? Maxwell was going to fall for you. Darling I wouldn’t even waste your breath on that idea, that man has never felt love, his fiancée went missing for god sakes and he came home and went to work the very next week. He doesn’t care about you. You could die and he wouldn’t notice.” 

You suspected that Maxwell only hired you because he could fuck you but hearing someone else say it mad tears begin to sting your eyes. You didn’t think you wanted Maxwell to fall for you until that very moment in time. Before you could say anything or think too hard on the subject, you felt someone come up behind you, it was Maxwell, and if you could have tensed up even more. 

           “Is there a problem here Mr. Giorgio, I should hope you’re not trying to steal back our new member of the team.” Maxwell also sounded tense, but you knew better than to think it was because you’d been upset and not because Henry was his rival. 

           “No not at all Maxwell, just giving her my good wishes, is all.” Henry’s voice was dripping in the smug tone you’d heard so many times working for Halo. 

           “Well then if you’re done, I’d like to steal Miss Y/L/N back if you don’t mind.” Henry merely waved Maxwell off but by then you didn’t want to be there anymore, your head was swirling, and you could only feel pity for yourself, you broke away from Maxwell to go find Sookie. 

           “I need to go home, please I want to go home, now.” you were trying so hard not to cry, tears stinging and threatening to spill over as Sookie led you out of the ballroom, and as you passed Darius, him quickly catching on and following. You didn’t see the confused and hurt look on Maxwell’s face.

           After you finally exited, you noticed the cameras had left, and you broke down in Darius’ arms as Sookie called her husband, Jackson, to come pick you all up. Darius gave Jackson the directions to your house, and when Sookie and Darius offered to join you, and take care of you inside you brushed them off giving them a lame apology about going to bed early and that you would see them tomorrow at work.

           As you showered and climbed into bed, you were mad at yourself for getting so hurt, this was just a business arrangement. You weren’t special. And you shouldn’t see Maxwell as special either. But you did. 

           And it sucked.

tags: @mandoalorian-mainblog​ @mrschiltoncat​ @innerstrawberrypolice​ @bonjour-je-mappelle-fuckyou​

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[marvellouslymadmim]

Hey! Aspiring fanfic writer here; I was wondering if you could talk a bit about your writing/editing process and how long it all takes.

Thanks!

Welp, roughly the same extremely long amount of time it takes to actually answer an ask, tbh 🙃

So...I only know how my brain works, and I can only tell you what works for me might not work for you, and that's OK. I'm breaking into two separate bits, because I almost never do writing and editing at the same time.

And as far as a timeline, honestly it just depends. On life factors, what my hormones are doing at the time (jfc like the week before my period, I have zero creativity, motivation, or attention span), if I'm having trouble with a particular scene, if I'm getting consistent positive feedback (yes, I can totally admit that I write faster when I know a particular reviewer is following along with every update), etc.

WRITING:

First, you gotta just...be fixated, I guess. Particularly if it's an AU, I sit with it for a long time before I ever write a word. I go over scenes, think about how the world changes, what stays the same, what *has* to stay the same to keep the characters true to their canon personalities. I sit with the characters for a long time, too--not just the main characters, but the supporting cast, too. In order to predict someone's future, you have to know their past. Most of our present actions are actually reactions to past events, when you think about it. The better you know your version of the character, the easier every other aspect of writing will be. I don't know how it is for other people, but I don't ever "feel" like I'm writing. I feel like I'm "witnessing", and the characters are simply doing whatever they wish. (***this is gonna be a thing during the editing process, too, so hang on to that)

Then once I have a general idea, I choose a title. Generally, I do not even start a word document until I have a proper title to put on it. The title is part of the theme and aesthetic to me, and it grounds me in the overall arc.

Once that's done, it's time for outlining. I generally wait until I feel this weird almost tingling in my left arm (weirder still bc I'm right handed) and I'm practically vibrating with a need to WRITE THIS STORY NOW. Then I put on some Bear McCreary (honestly, any videogame soundtrack will do, as they are literally designed to help you maintain focus and keep pace) and fucking go to town. For me, it helps to do this with pen and paper, so that I can go back up and squiggle little notes in the margin, rearrange the order, etc, far faster than I could on a computer.

Important note: the outline is not the end-all be-all. Some things don't make it to the final print. Some minor storylines get tossed or characters simply...take a different path than I expect. I will continue re-writing and updating the outline as I go along. On average, I usually have 5-8 outlines per story, and they're often 3-10 pages long. I also have a posted outline, which is a log of all the scenes that did make it to the final product. 

Then, it's the actual writing, at long last. I have found that I write best at the start of my day, before the noise and static of daily life comes in. So I wake up around 5am and spend 90minutes writing before beginning my workday routine. I have the Word app on my phone and may continue adding bits in throughout the day at work, if I get a moment. However, after 5pm my brain is usually fried and no more creativity happens. On weekends, I try to have one morning where I "sleep in" til 6am, and then write until at least 10am, sometimes 2pm, if I can get away with it.

The hardest part still is knowing when to transition and when to skip to the next chapter/scene/whatever. This is like...zero percent helpful, but I liken it to Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart's definition of pornography: "I know it when I see it." It may seem like a scene is circling, and sometimes it means you gotta leave the room a bit earlier bc the scene has already served its purpose. Other times, it means ya gotta stay with it a bit longer, because there's something the character is trying to say. Give them patience, and give yourself patience, too. Explore the scene and its dynamics. You won't know til you know and even then, sometimes you won't be entirely sure. That's ok, too. Part of the process. Remember editing will happen and you can decide then (hell, you can literally re-edit after it's been published, I've done that before too and added a note on the next chapter for any readers who might have read the first version 🤷🏻‍♀️ not ideal but still functional).

EDITING:

I do simple edits (spelling, grammar, etc) just about every morning as I reread what I wrote the day before, which is a refresher course for the day's writing session. But big "real" editing generally doesn't happen until right before posting.

Now, here's the ***issue from writing: sometimes, something just "doesn't work" in a scene. Again, you'll know it when you see it. The words a character is saying feels clunky. The pacing feels off. Something just...ain't right. More often than not, it means either I haven't truly sat with a character long enough to know their true motivations/backstory, or I am not giving characters the proper time/space/impediment to make the actions or say the things they're currently making/saying. I'm trying to force the flow, rather than letting it ebb and breathe when it needs to.

Absolute ProTip: You spent HOURS writing this scene. It's got some REALLY GOOD moments and lines in it. It doesn't work but you can't just delete it. It's your LIFE. I struggle with this A LOT, and I have found a solution: create a second "outtakes" document to cut and paste those scenes into. Sometimes I still keep moments or bits of dialog. Sometimes I later use bits in a later scene. Sometimes I never look at it again but I still feel secure in knowing that if I wanted to go back and use the original scene instead, I totally can. I don't think I've actually ever gone back to the original, tbh, but it reduced my anxiety about deleting the scene and starting over.

So back to the scene that doesn't work. I take it apart, figure out *at what exact point* it stops working, then work back up a few lines to see where the shift actually begins. More often than not, it's because I'm having characters express their feelings in ways they actually wouldn't. (people very very very rarely actually say what they're thinking/feeling, and you have to relay it in other ways). So I have to keep the internal monologue of what they're actually feeling/thinking, while figuring out how that actually translates via tone, body language, and what they do and don't say.

The "something ain't working stage" can take LITERAL WEEKS. I sometimes have to walk away for awhile, or tackle it only on days when I know I have hours upon hours to truly work on it. I keep circling back around, and eventually, the knot works itself out. Persistence, and insistence that "good enough" isn't actually good enough, are key. (this is why you have to fixated on the story you want to tell--because some days, it's going to take every ounce of that obsession to keep you going and keep you on the track of telling the story you wanted to tell, rather than settling or switching to an easier tack)

Sometimes, editing is a breeze. I don't change much, I may go a little more into the character's inner world here or there. Once you've been doing this for awhile, you'll just know when a story hits all its marks--and you'll also know when it's not, when it could be more or do more, and you can figure out how to get it there. There isn't a precise formula for it, it's more like cooking without an actual recipe to follow--a dash here, a bit there, you'll know it when you taste it.

And I'll leave you with this unsolicited bit: just write. Write often, write about everything, write what makes YOU passionate and happy, and absolutely write for yourself. Edit the fuck out of it, if you need to. Get a beta reader, if you need to. Get someone to just bounce ideas off, if you need to. And don't post it until you're truly ready and it's something you genuinely want to share. If someone gives constructive criticism, take in on the chin and move on (keep the notes, if you think they're valid, and toss em if you don't--you'll never be everyone's style of writer, so know that sometimes, people just won't be the target audience). Know that you'll grow and you'll learn and you'll find your own voice and like any skill, you'll develop a second nature about it--all those parts where I say "you'll know it when you see it" or "you'll feel it" absolutely come from spending a literal lifetime (28 years) writing stories, and thirteen years of writing fanfic in particular. It's ok if you don't see it or feel it right away. It takes practice. And you will have an audience at every skill level, no matter what (finding that audience? different story altogether...).

All totaled, this process can take anywhere from 3months to over a year. Stories are like children, I've found: they each develop at their own pace, and some may need more time and assistance than others. But they're still pretty wonderful. (except the bratty stories. they're the worst 🙄)

[maggyoutthere]

I can't believe I actually fINISHED THIS HOLY SHIT-

The chapters are more than 4000 words long combined. I literally never wrote something this big damn. As much as this is supposed to be satire of bad creepypastas, this little shit found its way into my heart. I'll treasure it as probably the best thing I've written, like, ever XD

‼Tws for blood and body horror

First part here

Second part here

Sonic: Battle of Metal and Blood (Part 3 - Finale)

Synopsis: Local teen faces off against whatever is haunting this game and dies(?)

The game took a while to load again.

I was already making backup plans in my head in the case this didn't work. I could always ask people online if anyone had ever known about this game, even get my brother to help me record some clips of it to post on forums and sites. If that didn't work, maybe try and dump the file on my PC? That could be dangerous; if it was making the console crash and restart, I didn't want to know what it could do to my computer.

I was thrown in the same level. Well that was weird. It was the exact same jungle, or at least it looked like it at first. I could tell it was now supposed to be night time since everything had almost a dark blue filter over it, even Tails, who I was playing as this time. The night filter made the level a bit harder since I couldn't see some things properly, but it was still playable. It looked just like any Sonic game from that time, but I knew something was definitely up with it. I just flew over some badniks and made my way across the level (I missed smashing stuff with Amy's hammer so I just tried to escape that level as quickly as possible)

I entered the same clearing, fearing what would happen to Tails this time. Guy was 8, and I doubted SEGA would let their employees just kill off a kid on screen; but again, as far as I knew this game wasn't even supposed to be here. It could've been some unhappy worker or employee gone rogue making a statement. It wasn't helping to be honest. As I followed the exact same route as Amy, I found Metal Sonic again, still stepping on... something. It was too dark to see what it was. It just made squishy and disgusting noises as he pressed his foot on top of it. For an old game, the audio design was pretty unsettling and well done.

I didn't want to get closer to the guy, so I tried flying over him and getting to a checkpoint or something, anything besides confronting that thing. As soon as I made Tails take off from the ground, Metal came flying at him. I almost shrieked as I tried getting the little guy away from that thing, immediately making him land and sprint out of there as fast as possible. In all that panic, I didn't even notice when he tripped over whatever Metal was stepping on and fell on his face. No matter how many buttons I pressed or how hard I pressed them, Tails wouldn't get up. Metal catched up with him and the screen went black as soon as the two collided.

Those same red eyes were back on screen, staring straight back at me. I was with my face glued to the television from all the anxiety that little chase scene gave me, so I jumped back when the thing looked back at me. It felt like it was looking directly at me.

"I want ears like yours"

There it was again

"I want arms like yours"

"I want a mind to think and a heart to feel like yours"

I wanted to punch the screen; I had no idea what was going on. This was starting to get unsettling. Then, I was back in the main menu, the game's menu. It didn't crash this time, at least that. Tails was gone, like Amy. Now, Sonic was there, facing his metal faker. The two looked like they were about to punch each other in an epic pose. Visually it looked great, but then it hit me. "Battle of Metal and Blood"; did it mean faker versus organic? So the two were going to fight again? Maybe we could still get a happy ending of some sorts.

I didn't even flinch. I pressed continue.

The jungle was gone. I was in some facility  now, playing as the blue hedgehog himself this time. The level layout was much different this time; there were more loops, enemies, spikes and so on. Maybe it was only because I was playing as Sonic this time, so I could just speed my way through the level without having to worry about smashing enemies or flying away from them. I got through the level and ended up reaching an empty room; Metal Sonic was there.

I had never been much of a player myself; I'd rather stand by the sidelines and watch as more experienced people got through all the hard levels. Sure I played a lot when I was a kid but I hadn't carried that with me to adolescence. Now I had to do it myself. Hours of playing Sonic CD as a 12 year old, don't fail me now.

The boss fight music kicked in and a large door slammed shut, covering the way out. It was actually kinda hard landing a hit on the guy; I was supposed to dodge his attacks until he got tired and stopped, then parry on certain parts of the walls and spin dash at Metal Sonic as many times as I could while he was down. The thing was: I was awful at parrying. I sucked at anything that involved aiming, but I was somehow able to pull it off well enough to send the guy to his knees after around 20 minutes of dodging and parrying things.

When I hit him for the last time, it looked like I'd split his face in half or something. There were some pieces of Metal Sonic's shiny blue cover scattered around the arena. He just stood still for a while covering his face. Did I do it? Was he deactivating or something? My fingers were getting sore from holding the control and mashing buttons so hard. He wouldn't move on his own, so I just made Sonic approach him to maybe give the final blown.

As I got closer to him, Metal immediately lashed at Sonic again, trying to hold him down. You could see his face a bit better and… it was kinda red. What was that? Was he changing to another phase or something? The screen went black again.

Staring back at me were no longer those two red beacons; there was only one this time, as Metal Sonic did have half of his face completely torn apart. The uncovered half of his face was a bloodied, pulsating mess of flesh and wires. Coils, staples and stitches kept the mass of muscle and whatever else he had inside of him crudely stuck together. Two different colored eyes were shoved in one eye socket as the whole thing now oozed with blood and oil.

"I need quills like yours"

"I need a body like yours"

Was that… what Amy and Tails…

"I need an organic body like yours

to become the Real Sonic"

What… the fuck… I was too shocked to even move as it cut back to the game. Metal Sonic had successfully tackled Sonic to the ground and had started clawing at his face as if trying to rip it out of his "loathsome copy". As I saw a pool of blood appearing under them, I told myself that was enough and got up to pull the cartridge right out of the console. This was just sickening. As I got closer to the console to pull the memory card out, I realised something that made me start worrying about this in a different way. As I got a good look at my Playstation 2, I realized it wasn't plugged in. It wasn't receiving any power at all. It was only connected to the TV.

How had it been working then?...

I slowly backed away from the console, and when I looked back at the screen, that darned thing was looking back at me. It was looking at me as I was trying to stop it, peeking at the side of the screen as I went to turn off my Playstation. That thing knew I was there. No no no, this couldn't be happening. I started shaking as I realized there was something looking back at me though the screen. Its red eyes pierced into my soul, and I didn't know how to stop it.

"I WANT A SOUL… LIKE YOURS"

I shrieked as I finally pulled the cartridge out of the console, throwing it against the wall to my side in pure fear. The screen immediately went to static and the Playstation opened by itself, the Sonic Gems Collection DVD taunting me. That was NOT just a game. Whatever it was, whoever it was, I was terrified to even pick up the memory card. I put the DVD back in its box and turned off the console. I tried taking deep breaths and getting some sleep; it was late, I'd drank a lot of coffee. Maybe all the coffee I was having had created this fever dream. I begged for that to be the situation. Still, I got no sleep that night. My eyes were focused on the TV right in front of my bed, its bright red ON/OFF button giving me panic attacks each time I thought I saw it moving. If I didn't know better, I'd have believed the thing had been watching me all night.

Would it come for me next?

I ended up passing out around 5AM; I was constantly checking my phone to see the time and messaging my friends. I tried explaining the situation to them but they thought I was either messing with them or that I had somehow dreamed the whole situation. I was dead-sure I hadn’t though. I woke up around 2PM and, according to my brother, I looked like shit. Not even he would believe me when I told him what had happened last night; I couldn’t have dreamed the whole thing up even if I wanted to. There had to be something to prove it was all real… the memory card. If I played the game in front of him, he’d have to believe me. After getting breakfast, I pulled my bro back to my room to show him the game. I hesitantly went to pick up the memory card I had thrown against the wall yesterday, but it was no longer there.

“What are you looking for?”

“The memory card; it was right here! Help me look for it!”

“You mean this one?” he pointed at the Playstation.

The fucking cartridge had plugged itself back on the console. What was that thing, and how was it doing that?! The TV screen lit up with static as me and my bro jumped back; we looked at each other in panic and confusion as no one had even touched the TV. We could feel the electricity flowing through the air, giving us chills and making our hair stand up. My brother grabbed my hand as we saw the darned thing appear in front of the static, its shiny metallic cover still split in half. I froze in fear with my little brother to protect right there; I should’ve done more, I should’ve gotten rid of that cursed thing as soon as I unplugged it from the console last night. That thing placed its hands against his side of the screen, its fingers twitching as the blood made the metal hinges rust and creak. The edges of the screen leaked with blood as if he was trying to break this barrier that separated him from us. It looked at us the same way it looked at me; ready to take what he believed was his.

“I… WANT… SOULS LIKE YOURS… AND I WILL HAVE THEM…"

[oyesmendes]

The Coffee Roasters - Chapter two

a/n: we’re here!! this one’s a little sad and angsty so i’m sorry!!! and also, i would like to know how you would like the next chapter to go so leave me some suggestions in my ask :)

Long black - two shots of espresso poured into a glass of hot water; two lovers thrusted into reality.

when Sophie woke up to sunlight streaming through the curtains, she knew she was fucked. Never in the twenty three years of her life did she wake up after the sun rose, not even when the cafe closed during the holidays. her hand was resting on Niall’s chest, his arm draped across her waist lazily. She turned slowly, careful to not wake him up as she turned on her phone to see a dozen text messages and missed calls from her family

Dad: Where are you? come to the store now.

Mom: darling, are you coming to the cafe today? Your father is worried

Harvey: I tried to cover for you, but it can only last so long. Good luck Mei ;-) ps hope you used protection

Sophie rolled her eyes at her brother’s message, only replying with a middle finger emoji and a be there soon before she felt Niall’s arms snake around her. She lets him pull her close to his body, turning around in the process to face him. Niall’s eyes were still shut as he hummed under his breath. Sophie thinks she could get used to this - to him, and then reality hits her like bricks when Niall mutters a string of swear words under his breath. She pulls away, looking at him confused.

“Sorry petal, I totally forgot to tell my manager I was staying the night in Brighton. I’m supposed to be at a shoot right now” Niall rubs his face with his hands a little too hard just to shake away the sleep in him. He doesn’t remember the last time he’s slept this well with someone in the bed. Sophie chuckles, shaking her head “well I guess that makes two of us. was supposed to be at the cafe…” she looks at the time on her phone screen, “three hours ago.” They both lay flat on their backs, staring up at the ceiling. A comfortable silence filled the room, both their hands intertwined with each other's. They should be worried about the consequences, the repercussions of their decisions, but right now all they cared about was the person laying by their side. Sophie gets up first, running her fingers through her hair as she sits up on the bed. Niall soon follows, peppering kisses on her cheek all the way down to her collarbone. She grabs his hand and he follows as if they’ve been doing this for years, and leads him to the bathroom where the twin bathroom sinks were waiting. She hands him a new toothbrush - a permanent one, not one of those you steal from a hotel - and they begin their morning routine. They were quiet as they moved around the apartment to get ready for the day; Niall was on the phone with his manager, looking like a child that was being berated by his mother and Sophie was making them coffees and breakfast. Both of them had the same thought in their head - will they see each other again? Was this just a one night stand? definitely not. Whatever they had between them, the comfort, the teenage excitement of love was something that was so real. Yes, they’ve only met 2 days ago, but what fell between them was so familiar, it felt like they’ve known each other for years and you can’t say that to many people in your life. Niall finishes up his call (or scolding, it was more like a scolding) and wraps Sophie into his embrace which makes her smile all too wide before she spins around.

“Here’s your coffee, and a day old croissant that I’ve put ham and cheese in. Take them on your ride back to London” She hands the bag and coffee cup to him, her eyes never meeting his. He frowns, setting the food aside and tilting her chin up so she’s looking straight into the ocean blue eyes.

“What’s wrong, petal?” He knows what’s wrong, he just doesn’t have the balls to say it. Sophie shakes her head, but her heart spoke faster than her brain could stop it.

“Is this it?” She asked, her voice cracks at the end with tears threatening to spill. Come on Sophie, you’re not going to cry over a boy you met two days ago. Get it together. Except she is crying a little and she is utterly in love with the Irish boy standing in front of her; and she’s terrified. Terrified that she’s going to lose it all in this moment before she could even begin anything. Niall catches on, pressing a kiss to her lips in which she returns hastily.

“Of course not, petal. you’re less than an hour away, I will come back to you” And that calms her down just by a bit. He envelopes her in a hug, swaying as they hold each other as tight as their bodies would allow them to.

-

Niall kept his promise. despite the promo tour for Heartbreak Weather and countless of interviews, he tried his absolute best to keep his promise. They were constantly texting and talking on FaceTime whenever their breaks coincided; and when Niall was in London with more than an hour to spare, he’d drive down to Brighton just to see Sophie for less than thirty minutes.

“M’so glad you’re here” Sophie whispered, her head resting on Niall’s shoulders as they sat by the steps of the back door to the cafe.

“Me too, petal.”

However, this long-distance teenage love could only last for so long. Niall was soon due to go on his world tour with no time to spare, and lets not even talk about visiting Sophie. From trying to spend every moment with her soon turned to weekly FaceTime calls that lasted no longer than 2 hours because Niall simply had “no time”. Which was true to a certain extent, he had rehearsals almost every single day if not, he was thrown into some meeting or interview where he was barely paying any attention.

"I can't keep doing this, Niall" Sophie shifts, the phone now propped up against the wall. Those words that came out of her mouth suddenly felt like a tonne of bricks raining from the sky.

"Just a little bit more Soph, I'm gonna be home-"

"and then what?" she cuts him off, her head pounding from the lack of caffeine in her system. It was 5am in Brighton, and Sophie was up an hour early because she couldn't get Niall out of her mind. She picked up the phone to call him, not caring about whatever event or activity that he was in so she could settle it once and for all. at least she was hoping to.

"because from the looks of it, i don't think we're going anywhere. I've barely spoken to you all week, and i don't think that's going to change until you make up your mind on what you want" She’s folding her arms now, and Niall knows that's a clear sign that she's not pleased. He sighs, hands bunching up the pillow next to him. Niall was supposed to be at the arena 10 minutes ago, but here he was sitting in his hotel room with the tension thick in the air between him and his girl.

"bub i just need you to hold on a little longer- a week? i'll be home in a week, yeah i can do that-" before he could even get an answer from her, the line cut off. Sophie slams her phone face flat onto the desk in front of her, a loud groan leaving her mouth. She couldn't do this, not like this when everything was so uncertain. Come on, Niall couldn't even give her a proper answer over the phone. Sophie had a strong character, any of her friends would admit that. She was level headed, confident and a sunshine for all. but right now, all of those characteristics were thrown straight out of the window; all because of one boy.

-

It was Friday evening, the slowest day of the week so the Hoang siblings were by the front counter catching up with each other. Harvey was bragging about the blonde he met the same day you had your encounter with Niall (yes surprise surprise! They started dating!) and Austin was well, talking about something that has to do with his online classes. Sophie had her mind somewhere else, eyes fixated on her phone waiting for some kind of message or call from Niall. they haven't spoken since that day (well, Niall has sent her multiple good morning and night texts but Soph really couldn't be bothered) she needed him to say something substantial, she needed him to use his words. something he could do so well when he wrote, but when it came to talking to the one he loved, it's as if the man doesn't have a mouth on his face.

“Hello? Earth to Soph?” Harvey was waving his hands in front of her face, giving her a questionable look.

“Sorry, I zoned out. What were you saying about Sarah?” He rolled his eyes at his sister, “its Samantha, and I was asking you what do you want to have for dinner? I could go pick something-“ before Harvey could finish, the familiar jingle of the door with a very familiar figure standing at the door caught the attention of the siblings.

“Yo! Nialler! Haven’t seen you in the longest time man” Harvey and Austin both gave Niall fist bumps while Sophie stayed behind them, arms folded with her head down. When her brothers sensed the lack of enthusiasm from their sister, they both gave a look at Niall who showed the same emotions.

"we're gonna leave you two to talk" Austin rubber his sister's back before leaving to lock the front doors of the cafe and putting up the "closed" sign. Sophie let out another sigh before proceeding to wipe the counter, and steam the machines - anything she could do to keep her mind off the irish man standing on the other side of the counter.

"Soph...please" he stretched his hand across the counter, softly taking hers into his grasp. She squeezed the towel in her hand tilted her head back, legs bouncing as she willed her tears not to fall. Niall knew her like an open book, letting her hand go while he made his way round the counter. He was never allowed behind it, Alex never letting him around the coffee machines for the fear that he might distract his daughter at work. But this time Niall ignored all the rules, crossing over the barrier between them to pull her into his arms. At first, Sophie didn't move, she didn't hug back until Niall spoke.

"i'm here petal, i'm here and i'm sorry" those words were enough for her tears to fall and she was now full on sobbing into Niall's shoulder.

"i missed you" Niall choked out. Sophie pushed Niall back, hands resting on his chest as she took in his features. No, she couldn’t bare to break up with him. She threw her head back, sighed and scrunched the fabric of Niall’s hoodie.

“You’re making this so difficult.” Sophie whispered.

“Making what difficult, love? I’m here, I’m finally here” Niall was confused by her words and to be honest, the inner turmoil that Sophie was facing felt 10 times worse.

“This! This whole thing, your blue eyes and boisterous laughter; your singing and dancing; and the god damn world tour, Niall. Everything is difficult” She leaned back against the counter as Niall’s hands drop to his side.

“What- what do you mean?” Sophie snapped, or rather she was snapping at Niall and she couldn’t help it. She wanted it to stop, she wanted him to stop.

“I don’t know! I should’ve seen it coming, and trust me I tried to prepare myself for all of this” she let out a sad laughter. “You’re Niall fricking Horan, how the fuck can you be my boyfriend?!” Sophie turned and slammed the counter in front of her. Her chest was heavy, and everything started to hurt. Is this what letting go of real love feels like?

Niall’s arms snaked around her waist, pulling her close to his body. Sophie tried to fight it, but she was too tired after being so consumed by the thoughts of Niall and this entire relationship. She let herself melt into his arms, quiet sobs leaving her lips. He swayed from side to side, his head buried in her hair while he let her cry.

“I’m sorry petal, I really am”

“I know”

[thesmalltowngal]

Snowbaz 2- True Love’s Kiss

Otp Prompt #2: Baz is put under a sleeping spell and only true love's kiss can wake him up… but what if nobody thinks he has a true love?

This is meant to be kind of a playful one. I wrote it in a rush, but I like the way it turned out. But it pretty long, so just know that before you read. 

Surprise, surprise, Baz the attention seeker has found another way to get all of Watford obsessed with him. Well, maybe not all of Watford. Just most. Okay, maybe just some. Definitely at least some of Watford is obsessed with him right now. Penny says it’s just me. But I know for a fact that Agatha is pretty bloody obsessed with the wanker right now, too. But of course, we’re obsessed in different ways.

Yesterday morning, Ebb the goatherd found Baz fast asleep in the catacombs. I don’t really know what Ebb was doing down there, but I know what Baz the vampire was doing down there. But that’s beside the point right now. He was curled in a ball and Ebb just thought he had dozed off at first. But then when he hadn’t woken up after twelve hours, we started assuming he wasn’t waking up any time soon. Ebb and the Mage moved him to a separate room in the white chapel. I stayed with him practically all day yesterday to make sure he wasn’t faking it and really plotting. Around 5am this morning, it became pretty apparent he wasn’t.

I’m walking to my next class when I pass by the white chapel. I see someone walking in- which wouldn’t be so suspicious if there was something supposed to be going on in there during this time of the day. But there’s nothing scheduled in there right now. I’m pretty sure I know enough Latin to skip just one class today. And if I fall behind I can always have Penny help me when Baz inevitably teases me for it. 

I follow the person inside the chapel. I can’t tell who it is because they’re in all black with their cloak pulled up so I can’t see their face. The person moves swiftly, and I have to take especially long strides to keep up with them. When we turn a corner and walk into a room I recognize as Baz’s temporary room, I summon my sword. No way is someone finishing him in his sleep. It just wouldn’t be a fair fight. Not much of a fight at all, in fact.

I stay light-footed behind the person as I see them hover over Baz. I’m peeking in through a crack in the door, nearly holding my breath. Baz’s hair has fallen out of its usual slicked back state and I just want to pull it out of his face for some reason. His shirt is unbuttoned part way, exposing his vampire white chest. The figure is over Baz’s limp body and I see them pull something from their pocket and reach down to Baz. Before I even get the chance to run up and attack, the person muttered something and vanished into thin air. It takes a lot of work for a wizard to pull off a transportation spell. 

I would be thinking more about it, but my feet move quicker than my brain, and soon I’m by Baz’s bedside. He doesn’t look hurt, or dead. He looks just as he did yesterday and this morning. Asleep, lips parted slightly while inhaling and exhaling. I so rarely see Baz like this. Calm. Without the fire behind his eyes. Without a sneer. Dare I say it, he even looks peaceful. I don’t know how to feel about that. 

“Simon…” Baz says so quietly, I have to lean in to hear him. Then he shifts slightly and a small snore escapes. A smile plays on my lips. Even my perfect enemy has flaws. Or maybe just one. Wait, did he just say my first name? He never does that. Why would he be dreaming about me? Probably plotting my demise, as always. I’ll have to ask him about it when he wakes up. If he wakes up…

I circle around him about ten times, examining every square inch of him to make sure the figure didn’t hurt him. That’s my job. Finally, just as I’m about to leave, I see a peace of paper sticking out of his blazer pocket. It definitely wasn’t there before. I carefully pull it out and unfold it to reveal the hastily written words:

This one is asleep

And asleep he shall stay

To wake him up, a small price to pay-

Just one true love’s kiss

Who the fuck would do this? Put Baz to sleep and then have the only way to wake him up be a true love’s kiss? Baz probably doesn’t even have a true love! I don’t even think he has a heart to love with. True love is a whole big thing in the World of Mages. There are rules or something. Your true love is someone you have to have chemistry with. Your magic has to be compatible. You have to have feelings for them, and the most important part is that they have to reciprocate your feelings. And this won’t really work with a crush, either. You have to be dead in love with the person. And if you are, and you really do turn out to be someone’s true love, you always end up together. It’s just the way it works. I don’t know if Baz even likes anyone. Let alone loves them. 

Before I even know what I’m doing, I’m running down to the Mage to give him the note. Baz would make fun of me for it. If he were here. ‘You’re the Mage’s bitch, and you know it, Snow.’ He’d throw in a sneer, too. 

I shake Baz out of my head as best I can as I walk into the Mage’s office. He turns around and eyes me up and down. Can he see how frantic I am? Probably. I try my hardest to try and calm down, just now realizing that magic is radiating from me. 

“Simon. What brings you here?” I take a step toward him. “Baz, sir. I was just…erm… visiting him, and I found this in his pocket. It wasn’t there before and it isn’t in his handwriting.” I hand him the note, and he reads it over a few times. He runs his hand over his stubbly chin and lets out a sigh.

“I see… I guess we have to find his true love. I’ll call in the eighth years and have them line up outside his room. Shouldn’t take too long. Just a peck on the lips until he wakes up. That is, if he even has a true love. Run along, Simon. You can guard him and make sure no one tries to kill him while they kiss him. Of course, you won’t be his true love. You’re his destined enemy, so it won’t make much of a difference if you kiss him or not. Go ahead and go back to his room. Get comfortable. People will be gathering shortly.” I give him a small nod and jog back to his room in the chapel. 

I’m seated in a chair up by Baz’s head and adjusting his hair out of his face absentmindedly when people start lining up. Girls, boys, pixies, centaurs. Every student in the eighth year is in line- even Dev and Niall (his ‘minions’ as he so lovingly puts it). The line stretches far back. Some look anxious, some scared. Some excited. I see Penny and Agatha in line and give them a wave. Penny waves back happily but Agatha doesn’t even notice me. She’s too busy fixing her makeup in a mirror. Of course. It probably is Agatha, come to think of it. They have chemistry. I’ve always known she fancies him. And I’m sure he fancies her too. I wouldn’t be surprised if when her lips touch his, he wakes up and they ride off into the sunset. 

First in line is a girl named Lily. She nervously tugs on her skirt and leans down, pressing her lips against Baz’s. He doesn’t even stir. I wave the next person up. And the next. And the next. Boys and girls and pixies all alike. No one does anything for him. I don’t even know why the half-breeds bother. He would never love someone like them. Baz is just like that. 

Dev kisses Baz. Nothing. Niall kisses Baz. Nothing. Penny pecks him on the lips, too. I swear he snores even louder when she pulls away. We’re about ⅔ of the way into the line, and his lips are starting to look a little swollen. Probably tired from all of the kisses. Especially when I’m not sure he’s ever even kissed anyone before today. Although technically he still hasn’t. They’re kissing him. 

Right before Agatha steps up, she puts on a layer of lipstick and smooths back her hair. I feel my stomach twist in knots for some reason. When she leans down, she practically pounces on him; it’s a proper snog. But he doesn’t kiss her back. When she pulls away, lipstick rubbed off on his lips, I swear he just falls faster asleep. My stomach calms down and I have to fight back a smile. She’s not his true love. He’s not hers. He can’t steal my girl. 

Or what if she can’t steal your guy? I hear in the back of my mind. What? Pfft. I wave off the thought and beckon the next person up. He kisses him. Baz is still unresponsive. His shoulders almost fall in disappointment as he walks away. Reactions to not stirring baz range from: relief, disappointment, happiness, anger or sadness. It hits me that maybe more people like Baz than I once thought possible. I mean, I suppose I can see what people see in him. He’s strong. Graceful. A great magician. In some lights, when he’s not sneering (almost never), he can be seen as devilishly handsome. At least, that’s probably what other people see in him. 

When we finally get to the very end of the line, I sigh. Not of relief or anything, but I’m just really tired of watching people snog my enemy. The last person is a boy named Jake. He’s handsome enough. Not as handsome as Baz, but handsome nonetheless. He steps up and pulls on the bottom of his jumper. 

“Expecting to make a difference?” I ask boredly, still eyeing him up and down. I think he has two classes with Baz. Usually sits right behind him. Come to think of it, I think he stares at Baz just as much as he stares at our professors. My heart pangs with something, but I can’t quite tell what it is.

“I mean, wouldn’t it be great if I did? This is Baz Grimm-Pitch! He’s...he’s…” Jake stumbles over his words, clearly nervous.

“Yeah, sure. Just give it a go, I suppose.” I beckon him closer to Baz’s head. Jake starts to lean down and he very tentatively pushes his lips onto Baz’s. He lingers there for a few seconds before I tap him on the back, telling him to back up.

Baz stirs and my stomach does flips. I’m suddenly dizzy. Did this guy just wake up Baz? Is he his true love? Is Baz gay? Jake seems taken aback too, because he smiles and takes a step closer, breath hitching. 

But alas, Baz was just rolling over. Still deep asleep, like I had initially suspected. Jake’s face falls and he backs away slowly. He stalks off, shoulders hunching over as he walks. I almost feel bad for the poor bloke. I do wish Baz would wake up now, though. He can probably plot all sorts of things in his sleep. It’s better if I can keep an eye on him. 

I move to get up and leave the chapel, but a voice stops me. “Simon!” Baz cries out. His arms reach out for just a second, and then fall back onto his stomach. Sleeping Beauty style. Why the fuck is he calling out my name in his sleep? I initially thought it was because he was plotting. But he sounded scared this time. Like he wanted me to save him. He’s still moving around in his sleep, so on impulse, I take his hand and lace his fingers with mine. His hand is cold and I realize he’s probably hungry. I would be too, if I hadn’t eaten in that long. Granted, I’m always hungry. 

As I look down at his face, all I want is for him to wake up. He’ll probably beat me senseless. But at least he’ll be awake. I just need to find his true love. Who in eighth year didn’t kiss him? Who wasn’t here today? I guess Trixie wasn’t here… but she was at her girlfriends’ party tonight. There’s no way she’s Baz’s soulmate. Who didn’t kiss him? I mean, I suppose I didn’t. But I’m his enemy. Not his true love. Not in a million years. 

Maybe I should kiss him just for fun. I’m not with Agatha anymore, so it’s not cheating. I have always wondered what his lips would feel like. Not in like a gay way or anything, just out of curiosity. Besides, no one is in here right now to see it, so it’ll be like it never even happened. I know he won’t wake up. I know that. I’m just a curious cat. And it’s not like he’s awake, so he can’t very well punch me for doing it. 

Before I can even stop myself, I’m leaning down (still holding his hand, by the way) and pressing my lips to his. They’re so soft, and also cold. Like the cold side of pillows. It’s kind of wonderful. So soft. He tastes like cedar and bergamot- just the way he smells. 

I’m just pulling back when I feel a gasp against my lips. And not my own. I feel his lips start working back with mine, pushing softly like a game of tug of war. His gasp melts into a sigh against my mouth, and I have to hold in a groan. His hand that was in my hand has found a home in my hair, and his other one is pulling me closer and closer… impossibly closer. We’re sitting up now. One of my hands in his hair, the other on his hip. I feel something wet start to touch my cheeks. He’s crying.

“Baz?” His name comes out as a gasp. I pull back just ever so slightly, and lean my forehead against his, breathless. 

“You saved me, Simon,” He’s stopped crying and he’s just as breathless as I am. He’s usually so cold, but every place I touched him is warm. Like I’ve set him on fire. (But in a good way). (I hope). “I was dying… and you saved me... I love you.” My heart glows.

“Baz. I think I love you too.” He lets out a small laugh and kisses me again, more feverishly this time. I’m consumed by him. We keep kissing, and kissing, and kissing. Yet somehow I’m breathing. Like he’s the very oxygen I need to survive. 

And I never want to stop breathing.

[undersummerskyy]

Dr J, hope you are well! Got anything cooking in the fic department? You always have such well written stuff.

Hey you! I lovveeee getting messages like this, they mean a lot! And to answer your question: I’m working on some stuff, yeah, I always am. Just have to find the time to write, which is difficult. Anyways, as a thank you for this wonderful message, here’s something I just quickly wrote for you! (sort of vaguely based on real-life events because Kendrick and I share our tinyness.. in fact.. she’s just a bit taller than me). Hope you have a wonderful day! 

Beca is a little drunk, home alone, and she wants something.

 Actually, she wants a lot of things. Like, a better job, Amy paying rent, decent food instead of take out every night, a different president, an apartment that doesn’t have a toilet behind a fucking curtain, an actual bed, Chloe..

You know.. all the normal stuff.

But right now, she wants Amy’s fancy whiskey that was on one of the higher shelves in their kitchen. She wasn’t particularly a fan of whiskey, but she was well aware of the fact that the Australian girl had only put it in that spot because she knew that Beca wouldn’t be able to reach it. Just like Chloe liked to tease her by putting her cereal there too, although Beca had started to get up before the other woman, and Chloe’s joke turned out to be a lot less fun when Beca made her get up at 5am to go get the cereal for her.

Anyways, she wants the whiskey, because damnit she’s done with these people stopping her from getting the things she wants. She had a horrible day at work, nobody has apparently decided to come home tonight (no texts, nothing. Which is normal for Amy, but not for Chloe who usually texts her updates about every 10 minutes. And yes, she pretends to be annoyed by it, but it has now officially been an hour and Beca definitely misses her and her texts like crazy) and she drank the four beers that she found in the fridge.

Which is more than her tiny body can handle. Apparently. She sort of forgot that she’s not in college anymore, and her body isn’t used to consuming alcohol like this anymore. (She’s an adult now.. or whatever.. so it’s all red wine during dinner and having one beer after work with her awkward co-workers who she secretly hates).  

But still, she wants that whiskey, and she just keeps staring angrily at the shelf, hoping that it will somehow magically make its way down to her where she’s laying on her and Chloe’s bed. Speaking of Chloe, it has now been an hour and ten minutes, which is just officially too long.

Chloeeeeeeeeeeeeeewweeeei ant the facny ass whsikeg thst amy keeps on thst duckign shelf you giys won’t let me tjouvh.Ckme homeand get it for me. Pleweaaaseeeeeee.Ok. Love yiy. ByeeeeeeBitchell out

 Grinning at her own phone, she sends the message.

 To her own surprise, she gets a response not two minutes later.

 Becs, are you drunk?

 She snorts, and shakes her head, even though there’s no one to see it.

 No.

 Yeah, she’s definitely got this. Short, to the point, no mistakes. There’s no way Chloe’s going to think she’s drunk now. She can do this.

 Im gettjng my drink.

Minutes later, she’s pushed their small dining table against the kitchen counter and is leaning forward, trying to reach the higher shelf. She’s so close, she can almost reach it. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she notices how wobbly the table is, and how unstable she is, and how the alcohol is sort of making her vision all blurry and wait.. where exactly is that bottle? Is that it? No that’s just maple syrup. The problem is, those thoughts are a little too far in the back of her mind, and she ignores the rational part in her that’s screaming at her to stop doing what she’s doing and just go back down and drink water. Instead, she takes another step forward until suddenly.. the table beneath her starts to tilt and she has nothing to hold onto.

 “Shit!” She yells, desperately trying to find something, anything to grab.

 “Becs!”

She closes her eyes and waits for her body to hit either the table or the floor, but neither happens. Instead, she lands in someone’s arms. She knows it’s Chloe, because she recognizes the smell of her shampoo instantly. And also, Amy would have let her fall to the floor. She would also probably have filmed it. But not Chloe.

 Of course not.

“Chlo?”

Chloe’s still holding her, she notices. And even though she knows she’s pretty tiny (which is why this whole thing started in the first place) and light, she’s surprised that Chloe doesn’t even look to be having any difficulty whatsoever carrying her.  

 Beca looks up then, and finally, the two make eye contact, Beca immediately getting lost in Chloe’s blue eyes. Which seem to be looking at her with a somewhat worried expression. Then, she smiles and a twinkle appears in her eyes, a look Beca has gotten to know all too well over the years.

 “Falling for me, I see?” Chloe teases, and it’s a little more forward than she usually is towards Beca. At least, over the last year or so. But apparently, she doesn’t care right now, probably hoping that Beca won’t remember. She gently puts the younger girl down and guides her over to the bed, making sure Beca is steady sitting on the edge of it by herself, before standing in front of her, watching her. 

But the brunette just laughs then, an actual honest laugh, the one that they all only rarely get to hear. Then she snorts, to make matters even worse. 

“Yeah, sure, like I haven’t been doing that for the last six years.”

She expects Chloe to laugh and brush it off. Or something similar. But instead, she swallows hard and shifts her weight from one foot to the other while she avoids Beca’s gaze. Wait.. is Chloe nervous right now? She assumes she is, because she has a similar expression on her face as the one she had when they were about to perform in Copenhagen.

 “What, like,” she starts, “literally.. you mean?” She ends it with a nervous laugh, confirming Beca’s earlier suspicion.

 The DJ shrugs. “Both. Actually. Literally and figuratively.”

 In an instant, Chloe’s eyes shot back to hers. “You mean that?”

 Beca smiles. “Of course. Now I wanna sleep. Cuddle with me, please Chlo?”

The redhead returns her smile, then nods slowly as she carefully sits down on their bed, Beca immediately turning on her side and making room for Chloe behind her. As soon as the older woman has her arms wrapped around Beca’s waist, she lets out a content and sleepy sigh, snuggling a little closer to Chloe’s body. 

“Chloe?” She asks, after a few minutes of laying together in silence.

 “Yeah, becs?”

 “Are uh- are you falling for me too?” The alcohol is starting to wear off, and suddenly she feels nervous. What if Chloe doesn’t, and she has just made the biggest mistake of her life and ruined their friendship.

 “No.”

Her heart clenches painfully in her chest. Oh my god. What had she done? How could she be so stupid? Just as she is about to pull away from Chloe and get some space, the redhead just pulls her tighter against her and presses a kiss to her shoulder.

“I just mean, I wouldn’t say ‘falling’, Beca. I’ve been in love with you since day one.”

The brunette smiles, her heart full of emotions right now, then grabs Chloe’s hand that was resting on her stomach and intertwines their fingers. 

“Hey Chlo?”

“Yes?”

“Will you make me pancakes with maple syrup tomorrow morning? I can’t reach the syrup.”

[i-dont-dj-sammy-g]

Plee

Hey. 

You there.

Whoever is left.

I don’t know who you are, but hello, and thanks for stopping.

I’m not sure what I’m trying to accomplish with this post other than to just put it out in the air, somewhere, that I am NOT okay. These last four years of my life have been far worse than I could have ever hoped for myself. I feel like I’m drowning and whenever I try to swim to the surface for a breath of air, the ocean just gets that much deeper. Sure, life’s had its ups, but the majority of it has been downs. I am not happy. I never realized that I was ever in this position until about a week ago when I got more drunk than I ever have been before in my life. I could not move. Everything was spinning at the speed of a top and I could. not. stop. crying. I called everyone in my family, and cried and told them how scared I was and how much I miss them (since they all live far away.) I don’t know what I’m so afraid of. Maybe being alone. Maybe death. Maybe life. Honestly, I think I’m afraid of it all. This post is going to be long and riddled with rambling that won’t make any sense. I’m sorry, and if you stay through it all, thank you for your time. I wish I could give something back to you.

I don’t know where to start with this. Maybe I’ll start where all of this began...ha ha Sam, way to go. 

My parents were never happy. I never realized it until it was over and the mushroom cloud of the divorce was already halfway round the world, but they weren’t. Mom, she works. She works all the time and I feel bad because I haven’t seen it really pay off for her. She sits in front of her computer from 5am to about 6pm typing medical notes. She’s been doing this for just about as long as I remember, and this has taken up a large part of my life. I remember waking up in the morning to her typing and coming home from school to her typing. I’m not sure if she actually likes the job, or if she’s been hiding from something...distracting herself.

Dad has been retired a couple of times and had to come out of retirement once to try to keep the family afloat. It was never something I saw but we were struggling. He specializes in landscaping and amateur astrophotography, though amateur may be an understatement. I don’t honestly remember much of him working because it was never anything at home and he would never bring it home with him. Other than the poison ivy. Mom didn’t like that. 

I’m going to spare a lot of personal and family details that nobody but us need to know, but the years went on, we moved from Kansas to Massachusetts and I could see them growing apart. It was obvious. They would fight more, Dad would sleep on the couch more often than not because of his “restless leg syndrome,” and the spark was gone. Dad spent all his time up in his office while we would be downstairs watching our favorite TV shows, me and my mom. *I want to add a little side note here that I am not angry with any member of my family. I am happy that they are all doing seemingly well for themselves now, but more on that later* It was in the air that they weren’t together anymore.

Fast forward about 3 years. All of a sudden mom wants to go to our cabin up in New Hampshire a lot more. She needs time to herself. One day my dad brings my sister and I up to his office and gives us each a hug and says,

“That’s it. The marriage is over. Your mother is having an affair.”

My favorite author, Chuck Palahniuk once wrote in Fight Club, “We have just lost all cabin pressure,” and I have never related to a set of text more in my life. Right around the same time, and a week before my birthday, my girlfriend of 7 moths decided another guy was more suitable. Whatever, I was learning life lessons a lot this year it seemed.

Now, to be fair, to this day I don’t actually know what my mother was doing and it’s not really any of anyone else’s business. Both of them were unhappy and it needed to end for both of them so that they could be where they are now. My mom is happily living in New Hampshire at the same cabin, and my Dad is putting around the country with his lady. Good for them, right?

Backing up a little bit, before my dad met his new lady, we lived in several different places. We lived in a quiet little town that held the high school that I graduated from, then we moved back to the town we lived in when we moved from Kansas all those years ago. We went on like that for about three more years, trying to repair ourselves as a group after the divorce, my father, sister and I. We didn’t abandon my mother but there was a lot of confusion at that time and my sister and I didn’t know what to think and my mom was too far away to form our own ideas based on her story. So we were quiet for a little bit. I finished high school and was in a relationship for the majority of these three years. I was trying my best to be happy and I didn’t realize that I was cramming all of these emotions down and away until now. And then my dad met Her. Thats when it REALLY started going downhill for me, and it hasn’t gone far back up since.

My dad was 50 years old when I was born. He didn’t want to have children but then woke up one day and decided he wanted his family name to go on. I was 17, I think, when he met Her. I’m 21 now. If he was 50 when I was born, I’ll let you do the math. He realized he may not have too much time left and decided that he wanted to start living for himself. He moved to Florida with Her, and my sister moved in with a friend. I went back to our broken family home, which was on the market at the time. I’m not mad at him. I’m happy that he’s able to finally start living his life the way he’s wanted too.

I worked. I worked a lot while living in this house at a race track about 10 minutes up the road. I loved this race track as if I owned it, like it was mine. It was a newly built facility and I became a part of the crew at the end of its first year of operation. It was bittersweet work because while watching amazing pieces of machinery race around 2.3 miles of some of the best racing surfaces you can find in New England, I was stuck out in the sun and the heat. This is where my anxiety really started to get ahold of me. I stayed at this track for 2 years.

If you’ve never been through an anxiety attack, you’re more lucky than you may know. I thought my heart was stopping. I remember being hunched over in my chair on my corner of the race track telling my GM on the radio that I needed to get down and that I was having a serious problem. I felt like my heart was stopping, dear reader. I was hunched over in that fucking green folding chair with no feeling in my hands staring at a rock on the ground waiting for my life to end.

A small part of me was okay with it and I’m just now admitting it. That racing season ended and I haven’t been back very often since. This was 2016.  Hold on tight, we’re moving a little quickly now.

After the racing season ended I ran out of an income and I couldn’t qualify for unemployment based on how much I had made from the track. I couldn’t afford to heat the house I was in for the winter because it was too big, and again, I didn’t have any income. Nobody was hiring. At this point I was still with the girl I had been with since the beginning of the divorce. I had a lot of feelings for this girl and she was kind enough to let me kind of go back and forth between her parents for a while but ultimately decided that she needed to do things for herself. That’s fine. Good for her. Noticing a pattern? This was December of 2016. 

Well, now I’ve got nowhere to live. Look what you did for yourself, Sam, save your money you stupid fuck.

Lucky for me I’ve got some DAMN GOOD FRIENDS. Honestly, I don’t know what I did to deserve my inner circle in my life. My friend, Bej, we’ll call him for fun, and his amazing mother decided they could put me up for as long as I needed. I was infinitely grateful obviously but felt terrible deep down in my gut. I know that I have these friends but I felt like I had nothing. My family was all over the place when I thought for my whole life leading up to this point that I would always have the support group of my family right there behind me. They were there, but so, so fucking far away. I was newly out of a relationship and felt like everything was going against me. 

I stayed with Bej and his mother for 3 months until I was able to find work at a new chain restaurant that was opening not far away. The second that I heard this place was opening I was the first to apply, the first to be interviewed, and the first to be hired to this new store. I was finally doing something for myself and felt amazing about it. I willingly drove an hour every day to go to the proper training for the new store and worked as hard as I could as often as I could. I actually ended up landing Bej and another friend their first jobs here and we’re all still with the company as of Sept, 2017. I was still lonely, though. 

Remember the race track that I worked at? I went back for a regional event for a club I was a member of. It was a two day event. The first day wasn’t very eventful, cars raced, cars spun, people won awards. It was normal. We went down for lunch at noon.

There she was.

She was literally a fucking angel.

She was wearing a white BMW sweatshirt, white pants, and white Rosches. Literally an angel, guys.

I didn’t think I had a chance, honestly, so I didn’t fucking bother.

I tried to forget about her during the day. I got lost in the smell of race fuel and the loud engines until the end of the day. That’s when the Flag Chief told me who I’d be stationed with the next day.

Guess.

Okay, Sam, you don’t have a chance buddy but you’ve got nothing to lose.

“Hi, I hope you like sarcastic assholes!” -Nailed it.

We hit it off. I have said it before and I will say it many more times. I have NEVER. NEVER had any sort of connection like I do with this girl. It went well enough that I asked her out for ice cream after the event, and even though it was far too cold for it, I had to ask. I could not pass this opportunity up. She said yes, and we went, and even though it wasn’t exactly a date because of some other friends that were there from the track, it went amazing. I knew that day that good things were going to come of it. You’re probably sitting there thinking things are turning around, huh? Ha, me too. 

I don’t know how to really explain the next whole bit without giving out too much personal information that I’m not at liberty to give, so I’m just going to try to wrap this up.

Legally, we can’t be together. Nothing to do with age or anything, we’re both the same age, but things are going on in her life that are keeping us apart. In addition, she has attempted school before but got caught up in social/love lives and school fell through because of it. She and I don’t want that to happen again. We’re taking a break. It’s a bit more of a break than I thought but I will do everything I can to be here on the far end of it. I don’t know how long this break will be and the lack of communication scares me. I fell HARD for this girl, reader. And as far as I know she fell hard for me. Why does this look so easy for her?

Basically, this has just been a sob post about how much of a mess I think my life is but its all really starting to weigh on me and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m getting to the point where I don’t really want to be here anymore. I left out a lot about how the multiple jobs I have/am trying to keep up, aren’t working due to abusive bosses because I suck at writing and this whole post is a shitshow anyways. I don’t know. I should shut up. Sorry for the anticlimactic ending. I’ve been at this for several hours and took a long break to work in the middle. I just wanted to let something out somewhere. 

Thanks for reading. I hope you’re well, whoever and wherever you are. Better than I feel, at least.

[coreytravelogue]

Toronto, Ont. - April 2, 2018

Toronto, the city I always passed by but never really stayed very long in. As I have said before the only real memories I have of this cit was always passing through in Pearson or when I was a kid when my dad and uncle took me to the zoo and I apparently got lost for much of the day till they found me at a playground there. All I remember is the playground.

I was stranded here in January for a night and spent 90 minutes downtown feeling like wow there are lots of stuff I would like to explore here if only had more time. Thankfully I knew I had a 5 day super long weekend coming during Easterand felt this was a good time to explore my home country’s biggest and most well known city; Toronto.

So the trip is over and I am back in Pearson at the same bar I wrote my last entry waiting for the same plane to take me out.

The title of this entry should be “The Good and Bad Mistakes of Toronto” but making mistakes and learning about how a city rolls is part of the education of life that I like going through but there are times where I feel some things are needlessly confusing, like Pearson but I have come t o realize Pearson and the city it inhabits are similar. Both are the biggest and both are confusing to navigate.

Let’s start from the top, in the last episode you listen to me ramble on as I just got to the airport from a great concert but was drunk, sleep but also on a sugar high the beer was giving me so I was crashing and burning from too much beer and not sleeping.

I finally got on the plane and purposely shut my eyes hoping to sleep. Whether I did or not I have no idea because I don’t feel like I did but I do know by the time I touched Pearson I was awake enough to function.

I took the train to Weston where my airbnb home was and got there within 5 min which was impressive. In fact walking from Weston station to the house took longer and it was starting to rain worse. I met my host and she was nice, the room was nice too. It was everything I needed; clean, warm and quiet. Aft er saying my hellos and dropping off my stuff I walked back to the train station. Or what I thought was the right train station. This is where the education in Toronto’s transit system began.

I went to the ticket station in hopes of buying a presto pass. For those who d not know what that is it is a card you use to use transit. Think London’s card which I can’t remember (clam card? Don’t know why I think clam) or the compass card in Vancouver where you basically put money into that card and where you go and how you use it takes money out of that card unless. You have a month pass or whatever.

They did not have a presto card dispenser which was annoying to me but then it asked me for my destination and that confused me because I didn’t think that mattered. I just wanted a day pass so I could go anywhere and not have to worry about it for the day but they wanted the destination first so I did Weston to union day pass for 11.50, a bit pricey but I felt given the price if I fucked up I could use its price to argue I have paid more than enough for to it. Either way this was my second mistake.

So I went to the train track and went I looked up I thought it said union train arriving and it did though the train looked different from the last, regardless I got on it. That was my third mistake.

I got on the train and started to notice that it was going further west than east which was where I wanted to go so I thought I better get off then take a train back to try again, mistake number four.

I get off in Ebocoke North or whatever noticing that the train track only goes one way and not east…….fuck. With the help of the inconsistent trip planner from two websites I took another train to Milton where there was going to be a bus that takes on straight downtown. Thankfully I checked with someone at the ticket counter or I would have been stranded in Milton. apparently I bought the wrong kind of ticket and took the wrong train but using my tourist card she gave me a free ticket to downtown because in all honesty I did pay to go downtown I just went the wrong way about it.

I got on that bus and it took a full hour to get there. By the time I got there the weather was the kind of weather I hate the most; cold rain and hard wind. Plus it was pitch black out and 7pm so everything was closed but I didn’t care I wanted to make the most of the two hours it took to get downtown. I wound up going to the Easton’s Center.

Eatons Center is a place I always heard of but never been to, I even watched a movie that was set there not to long ago and it was funky seeing it now in 2018 after seeing how it was in 1978. I spent the next hour looking for something cheap but healthy to eat and was thwarted as the vegan area was closed. I started to realize how expensive everything was and came to realize everything was expensive, even the beer which was basically 7 bucks and up a ‘pint’. I decided to screw trying to f Indus one thing good to eat and went to shopper’s drug mart and bought two boxes of biscuits and 1 box of crackers for the same price and ate them on my way to Union station where I spent another hour trying to find the UP Express because by that point I realized that there was a difference between UP and Go.

Go seemed to be the train system that connected much of greater Toronto together while UP express was a express train from Pearson to downtown. That being said I assumed I already paid to have a day pass from Weston to Union they should respect the ticket g ping back. That became my final mistake.

Thankfully l Ike then and many times during my trip the ticket people were more than understanding of my confusion of the train system and let me go but told me no there is a d ifferent between UP and GO and if I want o use UP I need a UP ticket unless I have a presto card. I got back to my home base soaked from rain and bitter from my experience with the transit. I fell asleep pretty easily since I hadn’t had a full head of sleep since 5am Wednesday.

Friday I woke up to a beautiful day and completely refreshed and decided to take the city on. I bought another overpriced ticket to downtown and when I got to Union station I bought a presto pass and put 50 bucks on it assuming that it should be enough to last me for the rest of the trip only to find out it would only last me for the next three days and I barely ever used the fucking card.

Anyways I walked all around downtown Jayne hatting my way through downtown realizing there was enough statues to Jayne hat to last my monthly fb profile pictures for the next year or so. I then went to the hockey hall of fame which was fun and affordable which surprised me because everything else about this city was overpriced. I explored the rest of downtown before I went to the Air Canada Center to see my first lacrosse game. Paid 20 dollars for beer which I immediately regretted but did not regret seeing the game. I never played the game before and I know as a kid I would not have liked it but I definitely like it now and will definitely look into watching more games now when I go back to Vancouver.

Saturday was a bit more of a mixed bag, I traveled to downtown and got to see Maple Leaf Gardens or what was left of it and went on to do what I normally do in a city I want to explore and that is to see the vegan eats and vinyls stores because that is usually where the non tourists and rich people are. That is where one often sees the real character of the city in or at least how I have noticed it and is was right. My review of a Toronto as people is that they are nice people, much more open and social than Vancouverites but their sense of cleanliness is lacking. In Weston and downtown the city has lots of trash, particularly in recycleable stuff. I wonder if people recycle here because given the amount of bottles and cans I seen laying all over the place in the city I don’t think they do.

Saturday was for full on exploration the way I like to explore it; vegan restaurants and record stores. I stopped off at this place called The Grasshopper and had mushroom soup and a mushroom bowl (yes I like mushrooms). Then I tried to hit every record shop in the area. Queen Street was supposed to be Toronto’s Commercial Drive but I wound up figuring out or at least believing in my mind that Spadina Ave is was Toronto’s Commercial Drive. On that street I found a kick ass classic video game store and two record stores, one being Sonic Boom.

Sonic Boom was a store I probably could have spent an entire day in, basically a hipster HMV. They sold CDs, DVDs, vinyl and all sorts of stuff that suit my fancy. I did wind up spending and hour there looking for stuff but not quite as hard as I wanted to. The day was getting long and there were two more places I wanted to go.

I went down to Queen Street and felt it was time to use the transit again and took the street car/light rail to go to the last record store I wanted to called Stained Class. Apparently it was a record store with just metal music because the city barely had much metal stores and I would have to agree I went to 4 record stores downtown and their metal selection was fairly weak. This store was supposed to be at the end of the street. I assumed that the transit would save me 15 minutes but that is when I realized that this is Toronto and this city is huge. That trip I thought would be 10 min wound up being 30 minutes till I wound up where it was to be. The problem was it no longer was there anymore, google lied again. I did find an old action figure store there and the 10 year old in me was beyond tempted to buy back some of the action figures I beloved as a child they didn’t last my childhood but the 33 year old me pulled me back and asked what would I do with a Ricktor from X Force or Colossus from X Men now? 33 year old Corey was right and as soon as I got outside it started pissing down rain. I thought well I guess there is only one more place left to go.

On my way there I decided to stop off at the liquor store to see the beer selection as I was coming to realize that there wasn’t many breweries in the city and none of the are easy to go to so I assumed well these government stores should sell Ontario beer should they?

Not really maybe 3 breweries then breweries from other places, it was pretty pathetic. Mind you I know I got to set my expectations back, I know Vancouver is the hot bed for beer in Canada but my god this liquor store had next to nothing I wanted to try. I left with a can from Side Launch which wound up not being half bad honestly.

However I was saving that beer for later because there was a brewery in the neighbourhood that had at least 3 wheat beers on tap from what i heard. The place was called Duggan’s Brewery. On their website it said it was open at 4 pm and I got there at 4:30. I discovered they were renovating but their basement bar was still open so I went down there. Felt very weird, felt like I was going into a shady crack dealers room. I opened the door and no one but one guy was there who immediate kicked me out telling me they were open at 5pm. I apologized and thought ok I will come back in 30 min. There was a vegan restaurant across the street named Doomie’s. That was a very interesting place, they said they were vegan but all the food looked exactly like it wasn’t. I had a chicken burger and when I looked at it it looked like a chicken burger. I ate it and it takes for the most part like a chicken burger. I wanted to ask the stupid question as to whether it was actual chicken or not but I took their word for their sign saying they are a vegan place. If so compliments to the shelf for making a vegan chicken burger taste better than an actual chicken burger. I had the same beer I bought a can of and by the time I was done it was 5:30 so I felt well Duggan’s has to be open now. I went there and the door was locked. That pissed me off.

Only reason why I went down Queens was for Stained Class and Duggan’s only to find one didn’t exist and they other didn’t want to be open. So I went into the Electic Mud BBQ behind them and had my beer there. It was very over priced but I came to expect that from Toronto that their beers are 7 bucks and up. I had their home brewed beer and the others they had and none of them really suited my fancy. The staff were nice though, I felt like I should have just gone here first. After having one of everything and been very disappointed with all of them except the service I left for the road to it raining even worse. Got on the light rail and decided to head home bummed. When I got off at Spadina I remembered that I saw a theatre int he are and relaxed the Ready Player One came out recently and decided to go see it and I am glad I did because it was a good movie. Or at least a good movie to cheer one up. By the time I got out i was much sober and much happier and funny enough the rain ended. Came to realize that the weather and my mood do seem to match with this city. While the weather was good I had had a good time, shitty weather meant shitty time. I got back and had the can of beer then fell asleep.

Sunday was going to be my last full day in Toronto. I had a few plans for that day, first was to go see my first baseball game at the Skydome, then maybe check out another record store and then end the day at the CN Tower. I arrived at the Skydome and decided to eat a veggie dog which tasted very much like a hot dog so......that weirded me out I really hope they weren’t fucking with me there. I am not a hard core vegetarian but if they and Doomie’s fucked me there that just further supplants why I would never want to come back to Toronto again. I went into the SkyDome and it was trip. I always wanted to go be in the SkyDome. It’s called Roger Centre but fuck that lame ass name it will always be the SkyDome to me.

There was a time when wrestling was the most important thing in my life. More important than movies, music, travel, doniars, everything outside of my parents of course. From age 6 till around 18 or 19 years old if you asked me what I really wanted to be it was to be a pro wrestler. What inspired a kid to want to be a wrestler?

Me and my dad every Tuesday would go to our video store to rent movies. My dad would pick up new movies while I often scoured the big almost warehouse sized (to a kid) building full of VHS tapes looking for something that interested me. I often stuck to the kids section but I decided to venture off till I found the sports section and noticed all the wrestling tapes. I was drawn to the Ultimate Warrior, he looked completely different from everyone else and he was going against Hulk whom I vaguely knew but not well enough, I always liked going against the grain or people who did. I picked up Wrestlemania 6 and watched that PPV, it just so happened to be set at SkyDome. The entire show was fun and I liked most of the matches but it was the main even that got this 6 year old. Everyone either walked or took a mini tram to the ring, Ultimate Warrior ran. It may not seem like much but to a kid like me I loved it because again it set him apart from everyone else. Then he beat Hulk (yes I know it is ‘fake’ and matches are predetermined) and that is when I became a wrestling fan. Seeing how all those people cheering Warrior, how he reacted and all the pageantry and all that stuff. I remember the big video screen showing him shaking the ropes. When I got to see that big screen I immediately thought of Warrior (RIP).

So from 6 to 19 I strived to that as best as I could which was feeble with a terrible diet.....I will save you the excuse ridden story but lets just say if I was in the shape at 18 that I am now I probably would have actually went to Calgary to be a wrestler or try my hand in it. Wrestlemania 18 is my favourite Wrestlemania and where was that one? I am sure you guessed right, watching that show extended my desire to be a pro wrestler for at least another year till wrestling itself bore me and I came to realize even though I had alot of muscle I didn’t have the pain threshold and I was a pretty fat kid. When I watch that video from above as much as it hypes me it does sort of depress me that I never tried but in the end I know I would not have survived, at least that version of me.

The game itself was boring as fuck. I never cared for baseball at any point in my life. Whenever I saw a bit of it on TV it always looked boring as hell but many people who love the game told me to see it live so I decided to and found it to be even more boring. The only thing exciting about the game was the grand slam at the end.

After the game I decided to have another vegan lunch and needed to charge my phone. So I went to this place called Fresh on Spadina which had no place for me to charge my phone. I had carrot soup and a bean burrito. That is when I got a call from WestJet. Given my recent experience with Westjet this year if you could see my face it was one of dread. Last time they called me it was to tell me my flight was cancelled and pushed back 2 days. This time it wasn’t quite like that, it was cancelled but pushed back 5 hours. That wasn’t going to do for me because I really didn’t want to get back to Vancouver at midnight and only have 3 hours of sleep before waking up. I called to be on the 2 pm flight. So the thought of going to a museum in the morning before leaving was out of the question. Being it was Easter Sunday and everything was practically closed there was only one place still open for me to go to; CN Tower.

CN Tower is probably one of the things many people associate with Canada, as a child I did too when I vaguely knew of my own country. It seems so strange that I got to see the Eiffel Tower before I got to see the CN Tower. I will say though the Eiffel Tower felt more ominous (in a good way) than CN Tower. When in Paris it felt like no matter where you were you could always spot it while in Toronto not so much. Mind you Toronto has more sky scrappers and is far more modern than Paris is but still, it doesn’t look as big as Eiffel is. Whether it is or not I am too lazy to check the internet for. However going up it made it feel a hell of a lot more taller.

I doubled stepped up Effiel, this I think would have killed me. The look down made my stomach twist. I don’t think the whole trip up was worth 50 dollars, it is clearly a tourist money grab but I feel that was my Toronto trip. It was an excuse to burn money.

On my way back to Union station that I finally figured out how to get to I got some late food and a breakfast for the next day and said my goodbyes to downtown. I probably wont see it from ground level again for a long time.

So that was my trip, as you can tell I started writing this on he 2nd but here it is 8 days later and I just finished it. I had alot of work to do, a bike to get fixed, groceries and all sorts of shit. A week after the trip my thoughts are more or less the same. I regret going but in the end I would not have known it would have been if I never went so I rack it up to a educational experience. I dont need to go to Toronto anymore outside of being in Pearson which in of itself is enough for me and I dont like Pearson.

What is next on my trip taking? Well Australia and Newfoundland (of course) will happen this year. I can only hope to find affordable flights to Whitehorse and Yellowknife between now and fall. I wont have 5 days to spend in Whitehorse or Yellowknife but given the size of those cities (compared to Vancouver or Toronto I dont know if one could call them cities)it should only take me a weekend to see them. It is a matte of sucking it up dishing 600 dollars a shot to see it. is 600 dollars really worth Jayne hatting it’s statues. I would like to meet more people here but then that is where doing couch surfing comes in. Something to think about. Till next time happy travels, shazbot nano nano.

[ramialkarmi]

'This sucks hard': Smaller YouTubers feel screwed by the new monetisation rules (GOOG)

YouTube has changed which creators can make money from their videos as part of its crackdown on inappropriate content, after vlogger Logan Paul filmed a dead body.

The new rules mean channels have to have 4,000 hours of watchtime in the last year, and 1,000 subscribers — anyone who doesn't meet the criteria can't make money from ads from February.

This cuts out lots of smaller YouTube creators who are big enough to make money from ads, but can't meet those targets.

Many small creators have discovered they will be demonetised from February because they won't meet the standards, and feel they are being punished for the mistakes of bigger, more popular YouTubers.

Aaron Meehan is a 28-year-old vlogger and writer based in Dublin who posts game review videos to YouTube several times a week. His channel, SG Gaming Info, doesn't bring him much revenue, but the money he earns from ads is a nice incentive to keep posting. He isn't currently employed, and views YouTube as a way to get his work out there. His most watched video has more than 180,000 views.

On 5am on Wednesday morning, Meehan received an unexpected email from YouTube telling him that his small revenue stream would be cut off in the next 31 days, unless he could meet new requirements.

All he needed, YouTube said, was to hit 1,000 subscribers and rack up 4,000 hours in watchtime by February 20. Meehan currently sits at 139 subscribers and told Business Insider that sometimes he hits the watchtime goal, but sometimes he's under.

"I'm about 800 away from 1,000 subs," he told Business Insider during a call. "I'm a pretty small channel. I wouldn't think it's possible if I go by how [views] increase and decrease for myself. Some channels have a better chance."

The new rules affect YouTube's partner program, where channels that meet certain thresholds make money from the ads that appear against their videos. Prior to the new changes, YouTubers needed 10,000 views over the lifetime of their channel. What's galling is that YouTube only introduced that 10,000 views threshold in April last year — meaning the goalposts have changed for small creators in less than 12 months.

When Meehan qualified for YouTube's partner program, he had access to a dashboard that projected his monthly revenue — which may not stack up to a YouTuber's actual revenue. Meehan told Business Insider that his month's projected revenue was €1.59 (£1.41). It's a negligible amount but, Meehan said, removing even that small sum means creators don't have a lot of incentive to try any harder.

"I don't get enough ad clicks to be able to make YouTube financially viable, but I was pushing towards that," he said. "Seeing this new roadblock in my way, it's putting me off. Do I want to continue with YouTube, and face this hurdle?"

Meehan also thinks the new requirements don't make sense, and will disproportionately impact anyone who might have lots of subscribers but doesn't rack up lots of hours in watchtime. An example he gives are animators who might be popular in terms of subscribers, but only post very short videos.

"YouTube could have a choice between watched hours or 1,000 subscribers as a compromise," he said. Both criteria together makes less sense to him.

Meehan and other creators believe the new rules are a "kneejerk" reaction from YouTube, which introduced the stricter policies after vlogger Logan Paul posted a video of a dead body from Japan's "suicide forest", and gaming vlogger PewDiePie used the "n" word in a livestream. Both YouTubers have millions of subscribers and viewers.

"Why should smaller YouTubers be affected by what the big boys do, what Logan Paul and PewDiePie do?" Meehan asked.

"Fuck YouTube for taking me out of the YouTube Partnership when I’ve been a partner for almost 6 years," wrote another YouTuber on Twitter. "These new guidelines are insane for small YouTubers."

Honestly at this point we should just let @YouTube die and burn to the fucking ground, it’s disgusting how they’re treating any small YouTubers for the actions of one of their biggest stars, honestly fuck you @YouTube #YouTubePartnerProgram

— 🏳️‍🌈MissDevilofBad🏳️‍🌈 (@MissDevilofBad) January 17, 2018

The YouTube subreddit also included users upset about the new changes. "As a small Youtube who doesn't meet those guidelines, it's hard for me not to see how I've been ultimately fucked over by this platform who doesn't give a shit about me. Screw Youtube and everything they stand for," wrote one user.

Another user called Torkona commented: "I have over 1,000,000 views but only over 800 subs. This is a great monthly addition to my income. My subs are so slow. This sucks hard. You would think if you have enough views the subs shouldnt matter. 1000 subs is really tough to hit."

For Meehan, there's no reason anyone starting out on YouTube wouldn't turn to a competitor like Instagram, Twitch, or gaming site Mixer.

"I want to see what happens by the time February comes around," said Meehan. "I'm debating moving to Twitch or Mixer, which are more worth my time. I put several hours into making a video review — so if I feel my chance of getting any monetary return was zero, then what's the point?"

You can watch Meehan talking through YouTube's changes here:

SEE ALSO: Google is promising that real people will watch premium YouTube videos to make sure ads don't end up next to scary content

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