#because once you force people to speak about things they aren't informed about you get people putting their feet in their mouths

[vicsuragi]

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[honey-beann]

hi! I looove your positively mouth watering fic with connor, and was wondering if we could get something sorta similar with nines? if not I tooootally get it, I just wanted to ask! love your work!

Elements of Control

Nines (rk900) x Reader

Note: Hi anon! Thanks for the request, I had a lot of fun with this one!

Word Count: 3,159

Warnings: NSFW

You were starting to wonder what you had done to deserve being tortured in the way that you were.

This whole thing was supposed to be easy, a quick evaluation of a scene to see if it could be connected to a potential serial killer case that yourself and your partner had been put in charge of.

Except upon your arrival, you'd been informed of an issue:

State PD seemed to think they had jurisdiction over this crime scene because of it's slightly rural location, despite the fact that you were still very clearly and firmly within city limits.

And to make matters worse?

They absolutely refused to listen to anything that you had to say about it in favor of calling your authority into question.

Upon your arrival at the scene, even after having taken note of the three Michigan State PD cars, you'd still believed things to be business as usual.

It wasn't necessarily odd, after all, for MSPD to be called to a scene if your dispatch team noted that a great deal of your officers were off duty or busy.

But this time, as you'd stepped out of your car, you'd been surprised to see a rather frustrated looking Officer Miller approaching you, his body language tense.

"Miller, what's going o-"

"These guys are assholes."

Chris huffed, cutting you off in the middle of your question and immediately causing you to raise a brow at his words.

"What guys?"

You asked, watching as your friend and coworker motioned toward the state police cruisers in exasperation.

"Those guys. They keep insisting that they have jurisdiction over this case even though we already informed them that it's not only within city lines, but that it's also a part of the case that your team is actively working on."

You felt your brow crinkle slightly in confusion,

"Wait, seriously? They aren't listening to you guys at all?"

Chris shook his head, clearly still frustrated,

"No! Not even a little bit. They've been forcing us out of the scene and messing with the investigation for at least an hour and a half now talking some bullshit about needing to speak to the lead detective on the case."

You sighed but nodded,

"Well the good news is that I'm here now, so hopefully they'll be leaving soon."

Chris scoffed, rolling his eyes,

"I doubt it, they're on some crazy power trip and keep going on and on about how we need to respect them because we're all so much younger. Talking to them is like talking to a wall."

You patted your friend on the shoulder and tossed him a supportive and understanding look before you thanked him for his update and set off toward the small crowd of officers standing near the door of the house that had been dubbed a crime scene just a few hours prior.

As you approached, you could hear people arguing, Person and Chen in particular, though louder than them were three extremely noisy and unfamiliar male voices that were clearly trying to talk over the two women in an effort to silence them.

You sighed, but continued walking toward the porch that they were all standing on, rapping your first against the slightly splintering wood before you leaned against it, trying to keep your body language as casual as possible to hide how stressful this situation was beginning to feel.

Both your officers and the three Michigan state men turned to face you all at once, the two women immediately looking relieved at your presence, but neither of them saying a word as they watched you open your mouth to speak, your tone casual but firm.

"I heard somebody was looking for the lead detective on this case?"

You asked, trying to channel your inner Hank in an effort to come across as far less of a person that someone wanted to argue with than you probably looked like to these guys.

Unfortunately though, your strategy proved useless as they all scoffed,

"You're the lead detective? Yeah right, you look young enough to be my granddaughter."

Bristling a bit at the disrespect, you took a step forward onto the first step of the porch, your hands finding your pockets to keep your body language as relaxed looking as possible even as you replied with quite a bit less professionalism than you'd initially thought you would be right off the bat.

"And you look old enough to be my grandfather. Now look gentleman, as much as I love making these incredibly fun observations with you, I'm actually supposed to be doing so inside of the crime scene instead of outside of it, so if you don't mind, I'm going to have to ask you to move along."

The three men glared heavily at you, and one laughed humorlessly and took a step in your direction,

"I don't know who the fuck you think you are, kid, but I already told your rag tag little group of city cops, this is our case, and we ain't leaving unless you can prove you have an actual lead detective here at the scene."

You sighed, pulling your badge out of your pocket to present it to the man only to have him snatch it from your hand and chuck it back in the direction of Chris, who watched in absolute shock, both you and your officers baffled at the lack of professionalism found in these three state police workers.

Your hands clenched into fists at your sides, and for a moment or two, you thought you might actually risk your job and punch the man in front of you, only to bark out the names of your nearby officers instead, clearly more than a little frustrated.

"Chen. Person. Follow me for a briefing on the case please. I'm going to give these idiots a few minutes to come up with an apology good enough to convince me not to arrest them for disrupting a crime scene."

The men burst into laughter behind you as you and the two women made your way back over towards Chris and the three other officers who were present on the scene, your face twisted into a scowl as you approached.

"Did they seriously just do that?!"

Chris hissed as you grew close enough to hear, causing you to nod stiffly before you motioned for your officers to group up around you.

"Clearly these guys are out of control, and I don't want any of you getting wrapped up in something ridiculous because they feel like acting like children, so please just stay away from the scene until I can get in contact with the captain and have him send someone to talk to-"

"Excuse me, Detective."

A familiar voice sounded from behind you, halting your orders before you could even finish giving them.

You turned on your heel to find your partner just a few steps away from where your badge had been tossed, holding it up between his thumb and forefinger as he approached,

"Lose something?"

You scoffed, crossing your arms as Nines grew closer, his long legs carrying him over with ease as he smirked down at your smaller frame.

"No, actually. That was on the ground courtesy of Michigan's finest over there."

You said angrily, gesturing toward the bumbling idiots who called themselves officers of the law that were still planted firmly upon the porch, not paying any attention to what was happening in the yard in front of them.

Nines raised a brow at that, and handed you your badge before speaking up,

"So they threw your badge when you presented it to them?"

He clarified, causing you to nod in exasperation before he hummed,

"I see. Why exactly aren't they under arrest then?"

You huffed,

"I'm not going to ask any of my officers to deal with them all up close and personal like that, and I certainly don't feel like risking my job wrestling three assholes into a cruiser. They think they have jurisdiction here and won't leave until they speak to a lead detective that they don't think we have, so I'll just try to get Fowler to send Hank or Reed or something."

You grumbled, causing Nines to regard you with curiosity,

"But Detective, you are the lead on this case, the presence of either Detective Reed or Lieutenant Anderson is simply not a requirement."

You groaned at your partner's explanation, resenting the idea that you needed to be reminded of your own position on the force, though you pressed forward nonetheless.

"I know that, but they won't believe me and I don't feel like arguing today. This shit was supposed to be simple, drop in, inspect the scene, and wait to receive an autopsy report to see if the crimes appear connected. Corralling three old dudes on power trips was not meant to be a part of the process."

Nines rolled his eyes but nodded,

"I see. In that case, give me a few minutes. In the meantime, ensure the driveway is cleared for their departure. They will want to exit swiftly."

You were just about to ask what Nines meant by that when he simply walked away entirely, making his way over to the officers standing childishly outside of the scene with his expression neutral but his eyes shining.

Whatever he was about to do, he was absolutely going to enjoy it.

And you'd be lying if you said that you didn't want to see for yourself.

So, after rushing to help the team move your cruisers, you all walked toward the porch until you were within earshot, which was when you found out why Nines had been so certain that the men were going to make a swift exit.

He was scaring the ever loving shit out of them.

And God, was it hot.

He stood on the porch, an inch or two taller than even the tallest of the officers, thus allowing the android to quite literally look down upon them as he regarded all three men with an immense amount of disdain.

"I'm unable to understand where exactly your confusion is stemming from, are you calling my lead detective's authority into question?"

He asked, tone low and vaguely threatening as he spoke, though his posture remained relatively casual, with one of his hands in his pants' pocket as if he could not have been less concerned with looking the perfect picture of professionalism that he usually strived for.

It was almost staggering what a difference that made in the way that you were looking at him.

Your eyes trailed up his long legs, clothed in his typical black slacks, before you allowed them to move upward, where they lingered briefly on his hands as the one that was not resting within his pocket clenched and unclenched at his side seemingly unendingly, reminding you far too much of the way his digits had felt as they'd curled inside of your soaked heat just the night before, your back arcing off of the bed as his other hand had moved to the small of your back, keeping you perpetually pressed against him in a way that had nearly brought tears of bliss to your eyes.

You blushed heavily at the unexpected recollection, attempting to shake off your embarrassment (and arousal) before either could hope to get the better of you, choosing to try and distract yourself with Nines' rather hostile interaction again.

Unsurprisingly, as much as you'd hoped that might help, it only served to make your situation that much worse.

Because unfortunately, the state officers must have answered Nines' question in a manner that he far from agreed with, because the android was taking two intimidating steps toward them now, expression fairly neutral but his tone cold and almost cruel as he spoke.

"And what makes you think you have the right to question someone with a higher position than you? Are you insinuating that my partner is somehow lesser than yourselves? Lesser than I?"

You shivered at his tone, ironically recollecting a time several days prior where the android had seemed hellbent on teaching you the opposite of what he was saying to the older men standing before him.

"What a pathetic little thing."

He'd all but cooed with a shake of his head and an ever so slight chuckle, his eyes alight with amusement and arousal as he watched you squirm, sliding his cock, hot and thick and so very close against your wet folds, teasing you ceaselessly as you whimpered and writhed beneath his piercing gaze and searing touch.

"Please!"

You'd gasped out, sobs rushing out of your mouth uncontrollably as you did your best to arch and buck into the android's touch, desperate to feel something more than what he seemed to be willing to give you in that moment.

Nines chuckled, fingers moving to snatch up your jaw as he forced you to look him in the eyes, humming as he leaned in closer, his tongue tracing the outline of your lips as you trembled beneath his touch,

"Look at you, so helpless, squirming your weak little body in a shameful attempt to get me to fold for you. Did you really think that would work? That I might succumb to desire or take pity on you?"

He smirked and trailed his lips up to your ear, where he continued his degrading questions,

"I think we both know how slight the chances of either of those things happening are, don't we?"

He groaned slightly as the tip of his cock grazed your slit, causing you to mewl and plead briefly until he shushed you and spoke up again.

"You're completely at my mercy, and there is absolutely nothing a feeble little thing like you could do to make me give you what you want before I feel you've earned it."

You whimpered at his words, and watched with slightly wide eyes as he pulled back with a smirk, hand reaching to your hair before he grabbed a preliminary fistful of it and yanked ever so slightly, a warning of what was to come, no doubt.

"Now get off of this bed and onto your knees."

You felt your legs quake slightly as you recalled the familiar memory, licking your lips involuntarily as you all but forced yourself to watch on rather than continue letting the android impact you so devastatingly through your memories alone.

You watched in shock as Nines reached forward to grab at the collar of the obvious "leader" of the group, expression as close to anger as you'd seen it get all day as he all but growled,

"Now, I highly suggest you leave before I take offense for my partner over there and decide to give you a reminder of whose really in control here that you won't soon forget."

The older man sputtered slightly in Nines' grip, but almost seemed to refuse to relent, eyes glaring as he continued to spit whatever venom came to his mind.

"Oh, we can see who it is that's in control here."

He snapped, eyes briefly shooting toward yours, glaring daggers into your soul,

"How shameful that a supposed lead detective can't even manage a crime scene without the guidance and direction of an intimidating fucking toy."

Nines tightened his grip, causing the man to gasp and struggle for a moment before the android scoffed and let him go, immediately sending him falling onto his ass in front of his friends.

"You see, Officer, that's where you're wrong."

Nines began, his tone a low purr of satisfaction as he watched the man struggle to stand again, his chest heaving with both anger and effort,

"She doesn't need me to tell her anything. In fact, I would go so far as to say that it's her who directs me more often than not."

He smirked as the three men attempted to move past him and toward the steps, which he followed them down with an intimidating and practiced ease, his long legs helping to keep up with them without any sense of urgency.

"If you'd like though, I would be more than happy to show you what I'd be doing to you right now if she wasn't around to ensure that I couldn't do things my way."

He said casually, still following the men as they rushed back to their cruisers, eyes wide and petrified as Nines made his intentions clear.

They could leave now, or, he could show them how things went without your guidance, since they were so eager to act as if you had never arrived in the first place.

You watched in utter shock as the men sped off almost as soon as they reached their cars, one of them even shouting a frightened sounding apology in your direction as he tore out of the driveway.

Nines hummed and crossed his arms over his chest, watching them as they went with satisfaction evident in his body language.

The officers around you cheered, rushing over to the android from where you had all been listening near the porch as they both thanked him and offered props before they seemed to start actually briefing him on parts of the case that had not yet been added to the file.

He stood there, seemingly absorbing every word that everyone was saying, casually shrugging out of his jacket and tossing it over his shoulder in preparation to begin heading inside before he rolled up his sleeves slowly and methodically the way he always did before entering a scene.

Except this time, you felt the strong urge to not allow him inside until your current frustrations were eased.

He still had yet to actually fuck you after the other night, or even the evening before, some clear attempt at breaking you to get you to beg for his cock like the weak minded little human he seemed (at least some of the time) to believe that you were.

Maybe it was time to settle the score then.

You gritted your teeth together, hoping desperately that the sensation would distract you, only to give up with an exasperated sigh before walking quickly toward the android in question, who regarded you with slight surprise before his eyes swept over your face and body, and a slight smirk began to tug at his lips.

It was borderline obnoxious how easily he could read you, but in that particular moment you couldn't have cared less.

He raised a brow at you as you continued making your way over, before stopping abruptly a little over a foot away, eyes challenging and body tense as you spoke.

"Nines, car. Now."

You muttered before regarding your colleagues with a respectful nod and rushing off before they could ask any questions.

Nines chuckled, following suit with slow but long steps, his hands casually finding his pockets as he watched you eagerly.

"Certainly, Detective."

masterlist

AO3

[sleeplesssmoll]

The Timekeeper and the Warden (Reverse 1999 AU)

I know I said I was studying but this is all @blehhhhhsthings fault! They keep making me brainstorm (thank you but also what have you done lol)

I was inspired by their Mask Tk au, but I put my own twist on it since I am a twisted individual. This is the scenario:

Vertin and Sonetto never make up after the break-away event because instead of Madam Z reaching Smoltin, Manus does first. They were waiting for her because they heard rumors about a child with Storm Immunity from their inside sources. Finding Vertin as the only child left confirmed those rumors.

Sonetto never gets over Vertin. She thinks about the way she treated Smoltin and blames herself for Vertin's Reversal.

Years later, Sonetto graduates as the top of her class and becomes a field Investigator so she can witness the outside world Vertin longed for. Two years after her graduation (roughly 6 years after break-away), a Manus Vindictae Renegade waltzes through the Foundation's front door. Sonetto pins her to the ground but falters when she realizes they have silver hair. However, she can't see her face because of her mask. The voice is both unfamiliar and nostalgic (because Smoltin is grown up now) but she doesn't have time to dwell on it. The deserter doesn't resist and claims they want to stop Manus more than they hate the Foundation. She's seen the way they treats arcanists who aren't purebloods and the unnecessary violence. She wanted to escape long ago and waited for the perfect opportunity.

Constantine decides to interrogate her further, especially once she sees the special umbrella the renegade brought with her. She must be one of Arcana's pets.

Later, the renegade becomes the Foundation's Timekeeper, and Sonetto is her Warden. While the Timekeeper has flexibility within the Foundation due to her rare Storm Immunity, it's Sonetto's job to keep her in line.

The Foundation also sealed off the Timekeeper's ability to communicate by branding an arcane skill (a curse really) around her throat. She can only speak with her Warden's permission and even if she tries to be sneaky by writing or something, the markings burn red and are incredibly painful (they're triggered by intent, like the bangles on the Island that Arcana and Vertin wore in the real story). Sonetto thinks it's cruel but Constantine informs her its for everyone's safety. This deserter has a silver tongue and she plants dangerous ideas in people's heads. By limiting how much she can say and forcing her to have Sonetto nearby in order to speak, they reduce her opportunities of betrayal. Besides, she's already betrayed Manus. Who's to say she won't turn her back on them next and return with their secrets? Sonetto's whole thing is loyalty and devotion so she starts off very cold with the Timekeeper.

The Timekeeper no longer wears a Manus Hand Mask, but a monochrome Foundation mask that covers her upper face (as much coverage as Bessmert's blindfolds or 2B's mask from Nier so it covers her freckles but leaves her mouth open to eat and make smug smiles with). It completely hides her eyes but she can see better than the average person through it since it has the same enchantment as the other Investigators (the ones that completely cover their face like in the prologue).

The Masked Timekeeper does the sort of the same thing as the Timekeeper we know. She shelters "unhinged" arcanists and takes on the most dangerous missions since her people are considered dangerous and disposable. She is very protective of her crew.

However, she and Sonetto are painfully awkward.

Vertin has no idea how to interact with her former deskmate. In her mind, Sonetto was always nice enough to put up with her but actually couldn't stand her. She doesn't blame Sonetto either because she was...difficult. While Vertin is a touchy and affectionate person, she hesitates with Sonetto or changes her mind last minute.

Meanwhile, Sonetto hates this game of hot and cold she ends up in every time they interact. As much as she hates to admit it, the TK grew on her. She's kind, sincere, and never treats Sonetto like her Warden but as part of her beloved crew. They argue at times but Sonetto never uses her status as Warden to silence her. There is an odd understanding between them even if they never seem to get one another.

This Vertin was raised by Arcana instead of Madam Z. She's a smooth talker and a skilled fighter outside of her crappy arcanum. Instead of a stoic face, she smiles (like Arcana but a smug smile instead of Arcana's creepy "I dare you" one.)

As much as she says she despises Arcana, she kept the Umbrella she gave her. The Umbrella is infused with Arcana's slime and can shape-shift into many things: a shield, a sword, a cane, heck even a fishing pole (she did this to piss Arcana off but her leader found it amusing and creative). This Vertin is also completely shameless when it comes to manipulating others as a means to an end.

She finds out what you desire most and uses that against you. It's one of the reasons Constantine branded her.

"You deserve more. They can't give you that, but I can," type of persuasion. She also frustrates Sonetto by talking around her instead of answering her questions or telling her what's on her mind.

Eventually Sonetto opens up to the Timekeeper about a friend she lost long ago. She's afraid one day she'll forget her.

Vertin has no idea she's talking about her because she didn't think Sonetto thought of her as a friend, just a deskmate she was stuck with. She assumed her friend fell in battle. Lots of people were reversed too so she still doesn't connect the dots until Sonetto specifically brings up the break-away event.

Vertin's name was added to the Forbidden List and you'd be punished for saying it (like the word "Storm" before it was public knowledge). This is one of the reasons the Timekeeper took so long to put together Sonetto's still grieving for her. She's not sure how to deal with this but she doesn't know how to make Sonetto happy. All these years later and she's still a burden on her deskmate.

Some things never change.

Aaaaand that's where I decided to start writing my story from. Although, I could sprinkle this background information throughout...if I knew what I was doing anyway. Reverse did it with AS while Vertin was in a coma so I decided on a dream route.

Sonetto is so scared she'll forget Vertin, she uses AS to see her again. However, she can never remember the color of her eyes. Smoltin would lower them when she spoke to her or avoid her gaze after she found out Sonetto asked the Instructor if she could switch deskmates. That's why it was the first thing she forgot. This makes her panic!

I also want to put Yeni in this fic. She's sooo much like Sonetto but more direct and sarcastic. Essentially, what she and the TK develop is what Sonetto and the TK could have been.

Sonetto tells herself she doesn't care. She's only worried about remembering Vertin and nothing else matters–

But how come she's never seen the TK's face but Yen has!? Unfair. She's known her longer.

Sonetto hasn't realized the others have seen Vertin's face. Constantine only dictated she wear the mask on missions to represent the Foundation, but doesn't care about what Vertin does in her free time once she realizes it's THAT VERTIN. Not many people recall what Smoltin looked like since she was never in the Spotlight due to her awful grades and she was tiny. Just harder to notice in general, especially when everyone's looking down to see her. The school did their best to cover up her past since she had no family to fight for her anyway. They were her "family" since she was a month old.

Vertin finds it hard to face Sonetto so she doesn't take it off in front of her. It's easier this way. She's also still figuring things out.

Constantine's happy her little pawn returned as a more powerful piece to play with. Madam Z cries a bit when she see Vertin, the child she failed to save.

Idk what to call this au or even if it's worth naming if I don't actually do anything with it but I'm open to opinions!

[asterdeer]

hi!! ramble to me about moby dick for the ask meme! i read it once but i don’t think i properly appreciated it….. maybe you can lead me to the light 🐋

!!!!!!! thank you for letting me use my degree a little bit as well as ramble about things, bless

okay. so. i don't like moby dick so much as i am haunted by moby dick and its ridiculous over-verbosity which, somehow, grows a compelling story over top it like bread grows mold. i'm obsessed with the structure of moby dick - the actual story is pretty short, pretty thin, at least compared to the page count. i never did the math but i assume the Digressions take up half or more of the book, or at least that's how it feels even if that's not true, which should be infuriating and terrible and annoying and actually is all that to a lot of people, for good reason. (i get it, i started to read les mis and got so incensed when he straight up started the book with 'hey what i'm about to tell you actually has nothing to do with the story that proceeds it' that i gave it up on page 1, digressions aren't for everyone and every author).

but there's this completely off-page story going on in the framing of moby dick, there's this unpictured picture of ishmael himself trying to put what he has been through into words -- trying to express the depths of what he has experienced, the good men he's seen killed for nothing more than one man's megalomania, the senseless waste and destruction over what, practically speaking, stripped of ahab's forced significance, amounts to a dumb beast in the water -- and it's not enough. there's not enough story. there's not enough words. a whaling voyage is, a huge percentage of the time, pretty dull. florence + the machine says that "it's hard to write about being happy because.... / happiness is an extremely uneventful subject" and that's what this voyage was to ishmael -- maybe not happiness, exactly, but he was at home with queequeg and the other whalers. he was depressed and searching for anything that might steady him, might give him a place to land, and he found queequeg, he found the pequod crew. there is nothing to tell but he needs to tell us about it. he needs to make us understand the gravity of it, the weight of what he lost, but this isn't the story of a conquering war band, it's not a fantasy of knights and lords. they're just whalers. whalers die every day. whaling is an uneventful subject.

so ishmael makes the book heavy -- physically, in your hands, the book is dense and weighty. it's packed with not only narrative and story but information (sometimes/frequently incorrect!), the science and theory and philosophy and theology of whales and their hunters. what happens on the pequod feels loaded not because the story is necessarily so very compelling but because ishmael is doing everything in his power to make us understand what about it compelled him. with every "cetology" "the whiteness of the whale" "ambergris" he is saying LOOK. LOOK. THIS IS THE PRICE OF LIGHTING YOUR HOMES. WHEN YOU WEAR PERFUME OF AMBERGRIS YOU ARE WEARING THE BLOOD OF MY FRIENDS AND BROTHERS.

(it's very modern in this way, i wonder if there was something of the jungle to it in the mid 1800s that we don't see as clearly now)

when it comes down to it i am incredibly compelled by moby dick because of its overwhelming desperation. there are passages and whole chapters where i could practically feel ishmael reaching through, grabbing my shoulders, begging me to understand. it's just so palpably..... tired. grief is written all through it, even in the most boring cetology chapters. you have to understand that we weren't just out here whaling for the hell of it, the chapters are saying -- their purpose isn't to impart knowledge, it's to impart history. dignity.

aahhhhhh shit i've gone on way too long and i could keep going for a dozen pages more but imagine if i had read the damn thing recently enough to have fresh feelings for it lmao. one day i'll dig up my old lit homework and see if i can find that essay i read for class about this exact thing, i could have sworn edgar allen poe wrote it but i could never find it again. none of these thoughts are original to me, i just got assigned the essay to do a presentation on and it rewired my brain

[eldritchpluto]

Hadestown Thoughts Because I Can

I saw this show for the second time this past week and I maybe have the most thoughts ever, so here’s all of the shit I’ve been obsessing over the past couple of days. I have HUGE theme thoughts.

I really appreciate that the show takes time to address that Eurydice has been alone for a really long time, and that she needs to take time to trust people. This is best seen in "All I've Ever Known", because Orpheus has to earn the right to touch her. When he goes to touch her and she flinches, away, he respects that and doesn't force her to do anything. It's only once they really fall in love that they're able to, and it's because they trust each other. But after this point, touch is 100% how they express their love. These two NEVER separate. So, when "Gathering Storm" happens and Orpheus begins isolating, it is SO jarring. Because the way they express love for each other has dissipated, and Eurydice only feels more and more lonely. This is something that helps contextualize her choice. But, when we flash forward after "Flowers" and Orpheus appears again, she fully clings to him. She is so desperate to hold him because she's lost that anchor. That scene in general is just so impactful because you can feel how much they've missed each other. This makes the end hurt SO FUCKING MUCH. Because they are finally back together, and now they are forced to not only touch each other, but Orpheus can't even see her. So, that basis of their trust and love has been taken away. They can't be hand in hand, arm in arm, side by side and all of that. And that only increases Orpheus's doubts. And we all know what happens with doubt comes in.

Speaking of "Doubt Comes In", I have big thoughts there too. Firstly, how Orpheus sings the whole melody that I've been thinking about as the "love melody" (The la la las) Because we know that this is the song that represents the connection between him and Eurydice, Hades and Persephone, and the thing that is powerful enough to bring Spring and life. So, he's using this song as his anchor at this moment, right? I think that's partly true, but I also think it is hindering him. The song is reminding him of how much he loves Eurydice, and he has already spent so much time away from her. So, he wants to feel that sensation again, and he has no idea that Eurydice is calling out to him and encouraging him. He only knows silence and his own anxiety. He's so afraid that he's relying so hard on this love, and that Hades may have tricked him, and that he was relying on something that was taken away from him.

Another "Doubt Comes In" thing! The way this song is staged is so incredible. The stage is incredibly dark. Eurydice is following him, but you can't always see her. And, there is the question of if she's fully left the stage, or if she's just in a part we can't see. That adds to the audience's own doubts, even if we have way more information that Orpheus does. And, in this dark place, who has the lights? The Fates. The Fates are the voices of anxiety in his head, and we've seen how impactful they are on other characters. They physically bully Eurydice at multiple points, and they're even able to get to Hades during "Word to the Wise" and "His Kiss, the Riot". They've already impacted Orpheus pretty deeply during "Nothing Changes". (Also just a note, this song has a much faster tempo live, and it really adds so much to that feeling of fear and doubt). So, back to "Doubt Comes In". The Fates are the only people with lights. Because, Orpheus is the dark, is lost in unknowns. And, it always feels like anxiety has the answer and that light. But, giving in and looking at the light/truth is what will doom him. It's just such an incredible representation of what everything feels like for him. And the Fates aren't a malevolent force, they are literally just a representation and a voice to what is already there within all of these characters.

Switching gears! (Also last thing for now), but WOW do I love this version of Persephone. I saw the understudy, and she is incredible. She brings a very intense energy to the performance. At the start, you can see she has a lot of energy, and that she loves fun and latches onto the beauty in the world. But, when you see her in "Our Lady of the Underground", she is INCREDIBLY intense. All of her actions and movements are random and striking. You can tell that she feels trapped and shes lashing out by attempting to hold onto this sense within her. It also doesn't help that she isn't sober, and she is very loose and free with how much alcohol she drinks (as Orpheus says, she's "blinded by a river of wine"). So, when she sobers up and gets involved with the whole Orpheus thing, she begins to go still. She holds her ground with incredible confidence, and her intensity is now focused and purposeful. She is advocating for what she needs and wants, and she won't take any bullshit. The contrast is just SO striking oh my god.

Ok! Those are the big ones I have for now, but WOW this show is living fully rent free in my brain. It's my favorite piece of theater ever!

[sapphire-weapon]

U don't have to reply publicly to this ask but I actually need to get this off my chest somewhere bc ur like one of the only public blogs that doesn't ship Aeon

But I saw this tiktok saying 'Wesker knew about Ada liking Leon from the beginning and had to take precautions' like what?? What precautions did he take he doesn't gaf about Leon... if he doubted Ada's ability to carry out a mission over a man she only met once then I don't think he would employ her again...

And the text they were using was from the original RE2 which is almost 30 years ago and they were applying it to the remakes. Like it literally said IN THE FILE that Ada was sent to retrieve Sherry and Leon also got the g-sample of Sherry. I said it wasn't canon because... it's not like that doesn't even happen in the remakes?? Leon hardly interacts with Sherry. Then loads of aeon shippers were saying it was canon and that 'the remakes don't completely change the story it's just a reboot!1!1!1!'

It's like... u seriously think something that was written TWENTY SIX years ago. Applies to games released in 2019 and 2023? U don't think the writers changed some aspects to make the games more realistic? Like the relationship has so clearly changed and I'm so sick of Ada x Leon shippers who change the relationship to fit their narrative. I like Leon and Ada together and I think they care for eachother but I don't even wanna say that because I don't wanna be associated with those people. They're all so aggressive too like

Sorry this is rlly long I just wanted to speak about it😭😭😭u don't need to reply if u don't have anything to say

hit them with operation javier. that always shuts them up. not a single aeon has a comeback for that.

i'm kidding leave them alone LMAO

like the operation javier thing is true but honestly leave them alone. you're not going to win against mob mentality. you're just not. you're creating more stress for yourself by trying. that's just the reality of modern-day fandom. no one ever has a reason to leave their echo chamber, so they don't, and they're hostile to anyone who invades it.

that's why i don't leave this blog. there's no point to it. i'd just be picking fights for the sake of picking a fight. and i don't want to fight with people. people are fucking stupid LMAO fighting with them would just damage my own braincells, because i'd be exposing myself to their brain damaged takes.

wesker does harp on ada about leon in OG SW, so that's where they're getting it from. and if they're so convinced that OG and Remake are the same timeline, like... again, you're not going to convince them. it's a whole cult mentality where they have to come to the information/understanding on their own; you can't force it on them.

because they clearly don't understand what the word "reboot" means. resident evil is probably the first big video game franchise they've followed. every reboot in every game series is a new timeline. the dante from DmC isn't the dante from the original devil may cry games. modern lara croft isn't PSX lara croft. and REmake leon and ada aren't OG leon and ada. that's how video game universes work. it's how they've always worked.

but if you don't really play video games, you don't know that.

and that's not our problem. what other people think/believe about a game canon doesn't actually affect our lives. so just let them be stupid. people have a right to their own stupidity. block them and move on with your life, because it's not worth it.

[funkymbtifiction]

Hi Charity! I wanted to know if it's a common enneagram 5 struggle or if I should reconsider my typing, haha. 

I noticed that a lot of the time I am reluctant to share what I know but there are two distinct different scenarios that arrive to the same result of staying silent. 

First one is that I am often afraid that I don't know enough to discuss something. No matter how kuch I research, I still feel that I have no right to say anything until I absolutely certainly consumed information on that subject, or else I will look dumb. I am also reluctant to speak when I know someone more capable than me is participating because, once again, I don't want to embarrass myself and look dumb, and I see no point to do so when there is someone clearly superior to me present. 

The second one is almost complete opposite. There are a few things I am super interested in and I could speak about it for many hours. I would love to share it with people but I am too afraid that I will come across as too intense or they will simply be bored listening to me. I am already very sad about not being able to switch between interests easily, not being able to be interested in things "normal amount", so I don't want to make the situation even worse. I know that in theory it's good to be laser-focused on things and could get me far in life, but I just can't help but be angry at myself for not being interested in parties, not liking socializing in big groups, having "weird" interests. Well, honestly, the interests aren't that weird themselves, it's my intense focus and obsession that makes to more weird. I've tried to many times to just quit this behavior and force myself to "be normal" but it only makes me more sad, as I don't get to experience this joy that researching new information and discovering something new regarding my interests give me. I hoped that I will "outgrow" it once I am no longer a teenager but it never really went away. 

Thanks!

Sounds normal for a 5.

It feels like maybe you only beat yourself up for your myopic interests out of a desire to connect outside yourself -- to make friends? Is that right? If so, why not see your interest as a way to meet people and talk about things? Could you make friends online who have a similar interest/obsession to yours, rather than thinking the only place to meet people is by active socializing at parties? What if you used mentioning your interest as a way to draw people to you who were also interested in those things, rather than seeing yourself as too weird to fit in? (5s assume they are indeed weird/alien, and that is a negative thing... and in truth, they are no weirder than anyone else and there are people who will appreciate their interests.)

Don't be normal. Normal doesn't exist. Be yourself. ;)

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

How do people make friends? I really struggle to connect with people.

I’ve had close friend before, like in middle school. And I really cherish those memories. I still care for those friends but we grew apart as time went on. But things have been hard for me ever since especially now in uni it’s hard

you should ask someone who wants to make friends xdd

I am not the type of person who seeks social interaction, so I can't say I have consistent experience on this. But I do understand that, for most, friendships are essential for enrichment of life itself. Therefore, to make friends in your areas of interest, you need to put yourself in situations where those people interact and speak to those that interest you.

The reason why it is so easy to make friends when you're younger is 1) promixity - if you're in some type of school, all of the children there already have a shared experience (education? hopefully, lol) and 2) fearlessness - you're not afraid to put yourself out there. You don't yet have repeated experiences of disagreements, rejection, awkwardness, learning the difficulties of reconciliation, etc. When you're in school, you all have something to talk about that's everyone around you is going through.

Once you move to university and beyond, however, these two things change. Individuals are trying to hone their area of expertise, find who they are, and everyone is on a different path. You might also become more apprehensive about approaching others because you don't know what they've been through and they don't know what you've been through. It's also hard to make friends in adulthood since there's no "central place" to easily make friends.

To make friends in adulthood, you need to 1) put yourself in places where people gather that share your interests (to have something in common / jumpstart a convo) and 2) know what kind of people you want to be friends with. For example, if you want to have friends to work out with, go to specific gym classes that you're interested in. Go to food festivals if you're a big foodie. Concerts, comedy shows, video game tournaments - there's tons of options, both free and some you need to pay for. You can even make online friends. If there's a genre of YouTube videos you're always watching, comment on those videos. Engage with social media accounts that interest you. You can't be a lurker - you gotta put yourself out there to people you would like to be friends with.

Which brings me to my second point - determine what kinds of people you want to be friends with. Do you want people going through a similar path as you in life? Or different paths to learn from? Do you want people to inspire you? Do you want a group to do something specific with? People also have types of personalities they best get along with too. Are you someone who is low energy and need someone higher energy? The opposite? Similar energy level? Go into it with an open mind ofc, but I think it's good to have an idea if the kinds of people you want to be around so you're not overwhelmed. You don't need to have any great expectations. People don't become best friends right away. You can also have different friends for your different areas of interest (ex: kpop friends who are not the same people as your workout buddies, etc). The depth of relationships occurs over time and requires emotional chemistry. Compatability depends on willingness if both parties. Don't force it too much; let what comes naturally happen.

Go out and do stuff you're interested in. Talk to people. Allow others to approach you. Be okay with rejecting those that aren't the kinds of people you want to surround yourself with. Doesn't mean they're bad. Maybe they're just not clicking with you right now. Be okay with being rejected - it's not personal. Maybe they're having a bad day or they're looking for a different type of person.

but

I'm not really an expert on this, this is just information I received from others way more sociable than I am which is not that difficult lol all I wanna do is play video games and hang out with my cat

y-yeah this cat ofc

and a bunbun

[aureutr]

I just this second realized: was the beskar sarcophagus (of nightmares) from Crash & Burn inspired by the Mandalorian containment cell for Maul in The Clone Wars? They *did* say that the cell came from a "bygone time" when Mandalorians had need to imprison Force-sensitives; is that where you got the idea from?

Kind of? I had definitely seen those episodes, and Maul in Clone Wars did influence it, but I wasn't actively thinking of his cell! The rules for C&B came about like this:

I read a few fics where beskar dulled Luke's senses and loved the concept. Sometimes I feel like having Luke being a near god in the Force puts them on such different levels that it's hard to find a middle ground for a relationship to blossom (other than, of course, Grogu). I think you can do interesting things with that, you can do something with just about anything. But I wanted them to be on a more even playing field. Beskar almost completely blocking the Force felt perfect.

I thought through the consequences of that rule, especially that thicker beskar == more blocking. Din isn't 100% covered in beskar, and if Luke concentrates really hard he can get a vague sense of him (this comes up, like, once? I forget). But a box several inches thick? Hooo boy

I remembered the time Maul Force-choked Bo-Katan in TCW, and she was wearing everything but her helmet. Therefore to stay canon compliant (which I tried to do when possible), I decided the Dark Side wasn't affected. This is also why it's Bo who tells Luke about Maul and beskar :D

I don't want to say "It wasn't influenced by Maul's cell at all!" because I probably had that in the back of my mind. But the active process of the C&B rules was the above.

also Maul's cell had a little window in it so it wasn't as bad as Luke's lmao

Thanks for the ask, anon! I'm going to ramble about writing the Force in general under this cut because now I'm thinking about it 😂 Feel free to skip

I have a whole set of rules about how I write the Force. I try to stick with them regardless of story, but they are malleable. Especially when I think something would be funny. Or tragic. Not all of this has made its way into the forefront of a story, but it's all in my head when I write Force stuff.

Anyone with the slightest bit of Force sensitivity can achieve anything with enough hard work, but some have a natural headstart (the Skywalkers are ridiculously far ahead).

No passive mind reading for Light Side users. I really don't like it when Luke casually reads people's minds in fic when he's supposed to have his canon personality. Focusing to do it is fine, but it should be a bigger deal.

Reading emotions? Hell yeah, all over the place. Constantly. People with emotional/social "walls" up are harder to read, even if they aren't Force sensitive

Being able to tell if someone's lying, that comes and goes with the story. It worked well in C&B but I've set it to the side for others

Shields! I love love love mental Force shields. The concentration it takes to initially build one until it becomes second nature and it's just always there. Gently knocking on someone's shield to slip into their mind to talk, or share something, or some other reason. Attacking an enemy's mental shield to break in and get information (usually a Dark Side user). It's such a cool place for a "fight" that I think is easy to overlook

Force bonds I mostly use to let people connect over longer distances, or more casually slip past shields. Luke and Leia have a natural one. I adore the twins and what they can do in the Force

Speaking mentally isn't super easy, unless it's with someone you've bonded with or have let you in past their shields or you're in the middle of...

Dream sharing! This is something that I will fully admit to borrow-stealing from Of Queens, Knights, and Pawns (which is my all-time favorite Star Wars fic, I've read it like a dozen times). You can invade/visit someone's dream, according to how they feel about you. Luke and Leia slip into each other's dreams easily and sometimes accidentally because twins.

Kind of a cousin to dreams, sharing memories! C&B gets into this one, but with enough careful concentration Force users can even do this with people who are null in the Force. With other Force users it's trivially easy.

Beskar, of course, blocks the Force. Sometimes it also blocks the Dark Side if that would be better for a story

Force users can manipulate the chemicals in their bodies (see, OQKaP above). This is a short term trick and not a good idea to do a lot, but if you know what you need? Powerful and dangerous.

I won't break down every single Force power. Mind tricks don't have extra thoughts around them for me, for instance. And I don't know how much of this is even canon, but it's what feels "right" to me so I use it as a baseline for things.

That was not really relevant to the ask, hence the cut, but I hope someone enjoyed it? haha

[system-startup]

Thank you to everyone that informed me that the fluctuation of my brain function is obvious. I remain shaking off the terror that I won't be able to communicate who I am and what I know well enough, especially to people who have never gotten to see me access Me, but the commentary provides a basis for me to have begun making monumental progress on that front.

I realised for the first time—I wanted to say last night but let's say recently—that my brain had/has the information (non-visual) equivalent of photographic memory. I also realised recently that my nervous system breakdown actually began reaching a head as young as 9, or 10. I remembered this always; I loved to climb, and parkour, and I never had the chance to get fancy with it between people preventing me, punishing me, and then my disabilities. I've always cared about my appearance and if I had it my way I would always be extremely well dressed, though don't mistake me for someone who believes that everybody should be, or that there's only one way to be well dressed—I'm no fool.

Subsequently the loss of access to my brain function, and then my body, and then my capacity to present myself how I want in spite of that, being forced to look pathetic, to not phrase things nearly as well as I've been carefully shaping them in my head for well over a decade, hurts.

I've been on a long, painful journey to mitigate damage, repair it, and grow too. And it's exhausting, and everything has been taken from me but still I get up, still I crawl forward, still my life improves...

I re-define and re-create and re-define myself again to live; in search of the man the suffering sought to burry, to be able to see the man that refused to die myself.

And in the mirror I find him, but still don't fully understand him.

I only know that the light behind his eyes continues to be a lot of work to keep alight. And it's wretched work, so I persist by not doing it for me.

It's all I can do to hope that this great difficulty is seen.

For all the times they (whomever is relevant; dozens directly at least none of whom I could name) programmed me to hide my light, things like viciously punishing me for being brilliant or properly attentive or fast or strong or able to jump at all when such a thing could only be accessed once a month, not allowing me to be ill the rest of it because they didn't understand. Yelling, startling, criticising immediately and interrupting whenever I was too slow at learning anything, like cutting meat and vegetables for the first time until I fumble in panic every time, so I could never learn, and, embarrassed, had to learn "basic skills" at an age I'd often be ridiculed and hassled for not knowing yet, despite never being afforded the chance.

Program: Never show them; it's not worth torture. Don't say or do anything where you can be seen. Hide what you don't know. Don't ask for lessons, not directly. Figure it out, somehow, some way. We can't afford the sanity cost; they won't teach us anyway, they either don't know or aren't kind or patient enough or can't phrase it in a way that we can understand.

It's painful, this fluctuation, for so many reasons. I can share this program only because I'm at the tail end of ripping it out of my system. It'll seem profound still, but that's only because you can't see how far I've come.

I didn't used to speak at all.

To anyone.

About anything.

But by taking the time to see me, to understand me, to not hurt me but to ask questions instead, to give me the room to elaborate instead of spiraling and taking it out on me; you offer me the door to exiting this one, this spiral, that I fell in to far too young.

Thank you again for your honesty, even when it hurts. It's all I've ever wanted.

And, I learn what I do, take the time to learn to speak it, to be able to share it, because I know though the severity of what I've been through is highly unusual, I am far from alone.

And I'll be damned if I've come this far and not contribute my hand to seeing the day that nobody has to suffer like I did again.

But the first step of that, for me, despite my wishes, remains learning to take care of myself, be kind to myself.

And your awareness, and your honesty, and your wisdom, and your intelligence, and what you've learned, and the art you make, and the voice you speak with, and the perspective you hold, the ideas you've found and built, all of it helps me persist, is how I can find a way to survive despite everything.

You give me the motivation and the tools to be alive. You give me hope that I'll be alright. And, I don't feel very alive right now, but I know in a year I'll be a new man.

And I will make You proud.

*You = my friends, kind honest strangers, the strangers I have taught and will teach and continue to learn from, the Earth Herself, the human collective.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary187

3/20-21/2024

wednesday - thursday

went out tonight.

it was good, our friends were late and couldn't eat w/ us at the place we wanted to go, the plans were made way in advance and it bites and whatever but you know, it's okay, we still love them, we all love eachother, it kind of bothered me a lot cuz my gf accomplished a lot, but also, idk, it's life, they are flaky and it's okay because we like them so much, they aren't trying to be, their lives really do get in the way and everything is hard for everyone, sincerely. i feel bad for being irritated. but it was how i felt, i wasn't mean i think, i was just like, annoying for 20 minutes.

and the friend we did go to dinner with, that was very nice of course, a lovely person to be around, and he is also in the middle of difficult things. everyone's life right now seems unfun, this year has been starting hard.

but it isn't really starting anymore. it's just early, and still things hurt lots.

i think i need to fix a song quickly so i'll do that.

obsessed with this song a bit,

if i can't be myself i'll share a body with youuuu.

i sometimes feel that for my gf. like, i believe that she doesn't care i'm all messed up and stuff, and really loves me, and will let me be what i have to be, whatever that is, that she likes that even. but i sometimes worry, and if not, i could give up, maybe. but i don't think i have to. i just love her, and maybe to a point, i really need her around now, our lives are just too intertwined. but i know that she doesn't feel like grossed out, and she loves me, i'm really, really, really, just dumb. she is more supportive than anyone could ask for, she loves my vague shape and that i am an androgyne. i am just out to upset myself sometimes.

it is so odd, some of us, myself i guess, are turned against ourselves forever, i am never going to not want to harm myself, it is crucial, it is the cousin of my desire for critique, maybe even some piece of the biopolitical apparatuses lodged inside, a discipline overgrown and malignant. but it feels like an underside to a force or drive inside me that is frequently not bad, it is not acting out with nothing in mind, it is maybe the runoff, the waste product, of curiosity, to want to know and to lay on the barbs of the rose, to think, you only know when it hurts, it is hard to make joy painful, but maybe i should. i want joy to burn me horribly, so hurting myself won't be in the realm of doubt, but for affirmation to burn so bright i know something, am complete, and at once unraveling. this is i suppose, why eroticism figures so much into everything i do.

is that strange?

i had good discussion of foucault with our friend we had dinner with, he makes it so easy, it's interesting, with him, with my girlfriend, i am not afraid to talk about these things, but with so many people, it feels like to open my mouth is to invite someone speaking down to me. it's never mean, they speak down because they want me to understand. but it hurts all the same. but they don't hurt me, the conversations go places.

there are also other people i can talk to, i suppose, but it is not their interest in particular, this kind of philosophy stuff, or it's distant to them, not central. but it figures into my life a lot more, it informs a lot of what i do creatively, these critiques, the power to read methods, to try them, to mix them, to modulate whatever, it helps develop the things i create, i dunno.

part of writing is at its root, not about writing, it is about observing. observing so much, holding it all, it must be expelled, a waste product, an obsession.

the above, about curiosity, there too is the will to destroy or dismantle, the will to dismantle corresponds to a sense of isolation, too. i want to destroy the assumptions of the world, i want to destroy the foundations so something else can come, this means also, i want to be different myself, i want to originate, or suggest at minimum, that other point. this means that i set myself aside or i try, or i imagine that there is a point where i could be. i self isolate, i alienate myself in part by being alienated or whatever, why does that emerge in anyone, all i think, now, thinking that, tearfully, are images of laura palmer.

i am listening to a podcast on bataille, with a translator of bataille. i am very fond of the translator, stuart kendall, a very well spoken man. he is now speaking on the notion he has, bataille, of uniqueness in people, and that this is equated with a sort of monstrosity, not that it monstrous to be unique, but that we all are, and these unique features or facts, are monstrous or would be seen as such and thus managed in some way. this feels odd, not the construction, which feels true, but i guess stuart's talking about it, it is almost this kind of thing you'd hear as maybe something nice, a kind of sweetness, we are all unique, and to suppress that is terrible. it is true. but there is i guess something in me, i have been convinced all my life, nothing i feel or think is unique, it is not special to me, across the earth, another is feeling what i am feeling and thinking many of the same things. there are so many of us, i can disappear, it is fact. this is maybe not true entirely, but i wonder about what my un-specialness, that i have held since childhood, in my head, as something i would speak to myself to not feel sorry for myself, implicates, is this then the management of the monstrous, my horrible feelings? i do not feel it is ethical in any way to deny that others may feel these things, or that in time, the nexus i am, is special, others have access to all of this, i am not alone, i should not be. it is a strange nexus, i want a joining maybe, not of people necessarily, but that we are held as monstrous, and in this, a solidarity, perhaps in the hell of being managed? but even then, there is at root something i am convinced of, of unspecialness, but maybe it is wrong to use that word, perhaps that is not the conviction. maybe what i am convicted of is that there is a grave amount of pain, constantly, there is horror, we are expelling it, it is expelled onto us, but i do not know. does this run counter to my desire to be, is another question. i am lonely, not in life, but there is loneliness inside of me, i feel apart, it is sometimes horrible because i am nothing romantic, like an astronaut, i am waste, or something else, i am caught up not inside an object, but related to one, here my flesh is, me, but my flesh held in the minds of others, i cannot exceed myself, to get across something. there is that, the idea that i can get something across, at war with the idea that there is nothing in me no one does not know already. but perhaps knowing is the wrong sense of it, there is uniqueness, and this gets to the terrain of horror, in the sense of it, what it does to one, the traversal of malady and its inscribings upon us. it is hard to say, not what i am saying, but accurately.

this made me write in my story. i am happy. and the song is exporting. it is a lie to say i'm happy but i'm something. you know the feeling but i want it. is that special to me. it's like puking but not really. i am so sad. i am so happy. i want things inside of me, there's something there though and i don't want to push it out of the way. i am clusters of wants, so many they intermodulate.

i wonder if this is all stupid, as thinking. i am not sure. it is maybe navel gazing. i want to produce something that is true or describes the difficulty. the feeling i guess. it is incoherent, or is it, i dunno. it is not inconsistent, it is not special substance, it is not phantasm, it is memory and accrual, beneath my nails it is real, i swear, it is of materiality. the difficulty of being among others and counted, the pain of being counted in the first place, the necessity of the counting, and then on the other side, that i do not know i belong. belonging is difficult, i do not want to, but i have also never been sure of it. but i do not matter. what is this sense, it only makes me recall nietzsche and the vicious circle by klossowski. difficult. i need to finish that book. it did good things to me.

it is not that i want to defend the idea i am like everyone, or maybe worse, that everyone is like me, which is maybe the thing that really happens in the sense that others would feel what i feel, at certain points, it was always, as a child, about feeling sorry for myself. it is more that i want to know why i find difference so hard to i guess, idk, take, fully, or not take, i believe it is the case, we are different, it is true, painfully true as much as it is beautifully true, we are heterogeneous creatures. however even with this, i guess, what i am i guess approaching is that we have all be disciplined, by similar structures, borne into repetition, and so the flows/drives are restricted not by repression, but by modulation, teaching, we are made inarticulate of ourselves in order to be articulate of the structure that develops and maintains. this produces a difficulty, i suppose this is what i feel when the image of laura palmer comes to mind, finally articulating herself, in screeches, it is there i locate things of myself, the screeching as one has no choice but to wish to burn away all that surrounds and develops them, and still, ineffectual, the sense of being nothing.

i don't know though. it is difficult. it is hard, everything is difficult.

everything means too much and i am pacing.

i like the song now though. i am happy, and i mean it, and i mean it, and i mean it.

so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[quietwingsinthesky]

hi will!!!! can I get uh. ruby & my main man bones mccoy for the character thingy???

absolutely absolutely and you know let's just. pretend i answered this in a timely manner. definitely.

i do think that for the wait you've earned both! (and i want to talk about both so :3)

Ruby

Sexuality Headcanon: It's funny, I don't usually have a set sexuality for any character right up until the moment I'm asked, at which point I receive visions from beyond my understanding that inform me of the truth. and the visions said she's a bisexual lesbian.

OTP: local idiot forced to choose between samruby and annaruby, 69 injured, 420 dead

BroTP: I actually love dean & ruby's weird combative vibes. i love when she saves his life in Malleus Maleficarum, and he immediately gets all huffy about it ("It's called witchcraft, short bus." "You're the short bus … short bus." AFTER SHE'S ALREADY LEFT SKLAJSLDKJALSD) i love the few moments we get where they aren't at each other's throats, but also i do love when they're both so unnecessarily mean to each other like girls. girls, you're on the same side. it's so funny. and the fact that they have the same speech patterns. if you locked them in a room together for a week and they didn't kill each other, they'd come out speaking a pop culture language they invented together that no one but them and sam can understand.

NoTP: i don't think i have one for her? uh. bobby/ruby. sure.

First headcanon that pops into my head: from what i remember, what we know about Ruby is a) she was human once, b) during that time, she was a witch, and c) this was probably a pretty long time ago? let's say it was a long time ago for my purposes. anyway. salem witch trials ruby real. (also, additionally, ruby loved sam. she did. she really did. this was just Not A Good Thing.)

Favorite line from this character: yes yes she is the best of those sons of bitches but that entire speech is bitching. "You didn't need the feather to fly, you had it in you the whole time, Dumbo!" and obviously the lucifer parallel lines that drive me insane, "Because it had to be you, Sammy. It always had to be you. You saved us. You set him free. And he's gonna be grateful. He's gonna repay you in ways that you can't even imagine." LIKE. OKAY. YEAH. SURE. IM FINE AND NORMAL ABOUT THIS.

One way in which I relate to this character: she is sooo. god i don't know the word for it, somewhere between determination and loyalty, and i don't know so much about 'relates to this' as i want to have some of that. yes, okay, the thing she was determined to do was start the apocalypse but. but. she did it, didn't she? and that's damn impressive. and i just need some of that energy to finish my chemistry homework.

Thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character: SamRuby sex scenes, but idk if that's so much second-hand embarassment as it is me averting my eyes like a scandalized victorian gentleman going 'oh dear lord, this is none of my business, i should not spy on them.' It's just. O-O they really went all in for those scenes huh. huh.

Cinnamon Roll or Problematic Fave: Problematic Fave and i love her for it.

McCoy:

Sexuality Headcanon: gay gay homosexual gay

OTP: Bones/a vacation (but if pushed, i will admit to being a pretty big fan of McSpirk. OT3s my beloved.)

BroTP: okay okay hear me out: bones and uhura. she's the language lady, and he's the guy who has about 700 different sayings all tucked away inside his head, and no way do they not get drunk together. asdfhgjljk her teaching him vulcan sayings that are almost equivalent to something he could come up with, just so that they can both see spock's muted confusion (which is practically him shouting "bones what the fuck are you saying to me.") and oh obviously they are the people closest to the eternal disaster that is the kirk & spock dynamic (romantic or otherwise) and if they don't bitch to each other about those idiots, they might explode.

NoTP: Bones/that salt monster from The Man Trap. but in all seriousness, I don't think I have one.

First headcanon that pops into my head: Spending a few years in space means that whenever they get their feet on solid land, he's happy for transport that's less likely to send them into the freezing void if handled wrong. He's happy about this, for all of the ten seconds he's fool enough to let Kirk drive. He is never getting in a car with that man again.

Favorite line from this character: Oh, the first one I can think of is from the hand-off from TOS to TNG (the thing they do every time a new show starts where a character from the last one makes an appearance, however small, to sort of... I don't know. Wish them luck.) Anyway, in Encounter at Farpoint, when he's talking to Data, he ends the scene by saying about the Enterprise-D, "This is a new ship, but she's got the right name. Now you remember that, you hear. You treat her like a lady, and she'll always bring you home." which. feelings. T-T

One way in which I related to this character: we are both southern and grumpy lmao

Thing that gives me second-hand embarrassment about this character: I honestly can't think of any? I think his general 'I do not give a fuck, this is my medbay and you're all going to do what I say' negates my ability to feel second-hand embarrassment from him.

Cinnamon Roll or Problematic Fave: Hm. I'm giving him cinnamon roll status, but he would Not like it.

[marypsue]

Ahh cannot believe we’re nearing the end of the curse reverse fic!! Truly wild the passage of time, and also all the twist you threw in. I for one, am very curious as to how everything will shake out in the s3 rewrite since Things Are Not The Same, But Still a Little Bit The Same. Also I love how you give each group equal emotional weight (Dustin and mike!! Robin and Barb!! Joyce and Hopper and Bob!!) (also I love the way you capture that everyone is messy in their own way and that no one is perfect and also Nancy and Jonathan are an innately messy couple, bc I feel like the fandom does not account for the fact that they absolutely are the drama) Anywho! Very excited for tomorrow’s chapter!! I’m considering it a belated bday surprise and rooting for some fun hijinks. I may even treat myself and reread some road goes ever on bc Monster Steve, my beloved.

The end is too close and I am not prepared! (Well. I'm mostly prepared. Sort of.)

It's funny you should mention All The Twists, because I feel like this second fic (put your curse in reverse) sticks the closest to canon out of the three fics I've got written or planned in the series. It's possible I've just been too close to it for too long. I will say this though (and may have already said it once before, but shhh), I've made some major overhauls to the plot of season 3. I have a plan and I am tapping the pads of my little raccoon fingers against each other in evil glee about eventually getting to share it. Now to finish writing the darn thing...

I'm so, so glad to hear that the groups feel balanced, emotionally! One of the things I hate most in writing is when you have a clear set of "A" Characters, who Matter, and then a clear set of "B" Characters, who Don't Matter As Much And Are Mostly Here To Be A Punchline. I love all of these idiots and I want to give them all the kind of storytelling they deserve. And even if I don't necessarily like every character on this show (*coughcoughMurraycough*), somebody out there does, and thinks one of my very favourite characters is just the worst and wishes they'd drop off the face of the earth.

(And, you know, there have been times when trying to be fair to a character I have no particular feeling toward or even dislike, in my writing, has led to me finding a new appreciation for them. And...also, sometimes, accidentally convincing myself to ship them. You will not find any fic for Murray Bauman/Sam Owens on AO3, I'm sure, because I have not written it yet...but oh my god. You guys. Have you thought about how much potential for both hilarity and angst this pairing could have? Because I have. Against my will.)

Speaking of "A" Characters and "B" Characters, part of that dichotomy that I've noticed is that "A" Characters aren't allowed to fuck up. They're always ultimately proven right. Or, if they do do something wrong, it's always because they were given the wrong information, or intentionally misled, or someone else forced them into it. They never just...make a bad decision, or miss a shot, or act on a negative emotion and do something stupid they'll regret, or just plain trip and fall on their face. And "B" Characters basically can't not fuck up. They're there entirely to cause the problems that the "A" Characters have to solve, and then go 'oh the cleverness of you' at the "A" Characters. This is my least favourite kind of storytelling, and if you want to see a textbook example of it in the wild, just watch Thor: The Dark World. (Except don't actually do that, because I wouldn't intentionally inflict that on anyone.)

The best and easiest way to break down the dichotomy between "A" Characters and "B" Characters and get characters who start to live and breathe and act like Actual Human People, in my experience, is to make sure that every single one of your characters is a bit stupid about something. Something that matters enough to come up, not, like, something that will never affect the story they're part of. And if you've created a character who can't take a pie to the face and continue to be interesting to read about, you're probably not there yet.

Anyway! Thank you for that opportunity to soapbox. That very long rant all to say: yes Jonathan and Nancy are messy as hell, and they're much more interesting that way. Happy belated(?) birthday, enjoy the hijinx, and an enthusiastic hell yes to Monster Steve!

[leolo404]

✯Astrology Observations Pt.5✯

⚠️Sidenote⚠️: Please take this with a grain of salt for not all of my personal observations will resonate you entirely

✯Fire Placements are mostly the ones who loses energy fast (especially because of boredom) and therefore they need to find an outlet for them to gain their energy back

✯Taurus personal placements in Aries degree(1°, 13°, 25°) may have troubles with handling their own energy because Taurus is more on the slow and calm type of energy but the Aries degree can make it forceful and quick making the person stuck in a situation such as procrastinating the whole day or finishing your damn homework before the deadline. This same goes for Aries personal placements in Taurus degree(2°, 14°, 26°)👍

✯4H stellium in a solar return chart can indicate being very focused in your home life and your family at that year

✯1H stellium in a solar return chart can indicate focusing on yourself more, building up your own values, and finding more hobbies that pique your interest at that year

✯Gemini/Scorpio/Virgo Mercury are the types of people that when someone questions them over something, they already have all the articles and website links to give just to make sure they won't be wrong

✯Water Sun/Moon/Rising are the ones that can soak up all the energy in a room and gets drained after + additional moodswings coming right after (this is automatic)😄👈

✯A lot of people say Aries is the most selfish sign but base on my experience, the real culprit is Capricorn, these folks do be guarding all their stuffs and makes sure no one steals their food (just let me borrow that damn watercolor, damn it!)

✯12H stellium(especially in personal planets) can be in the same level with Scorpios when it comes to good at keeping secrets.

✯But if it's in a Fire/Air stellium then it's not applicable especially air placements can enhance expressing or sharing while fire placements encourages you to be more open

✯Neptune in 5H/10H can indicate dreaming about being successful and getting fame or recognition from the crowd

✯Neptune in 6H can indicate seeing pets in your dreams

✯If you don't have a stellium, please don't feel bad about it because having a stellium can indicate being too focused on that specific genre of a house or sign and this can cause imbalance in your chart but this doesn't mean having a stellium is bad either

✯Mars in 1H aren't necessarily always energetic and active but they tend to be very passionate when they are doing the things they love. Also this, together with Mars in 8H, may have a high sex drive

✯Gemini/Sagittarius placements have a really low attention span💀

✯Gemini Sun with a mix of Cancer placements or vice versa = No one can catch up with their fast moodswings

✯Cancer Mars are super passive but once their bottled emotions explode and they are so done with your shit, they can be really dangerous

✯Pisces/Aquarius Sun or Rising fits so much with the 🌈Indie Aesthetic🌈

✯Difference between Gemini and Sagittarius is that Gemini tends to learn and share the information to others because of its ruling planet, Mercury, which is the planet of expression and communication while Sagittarius learn as well but because of its ruling planet, Jupiter, it may be having a hard time spreading their own knowledge to others. Jupiter rules expansion and therefore the more Sagittarius keeps gaining knowledge the lesser they have time to share it to others because they keep learning and learning

(But of course this isn't always the case and your whole chart matters since this is just base on sun signs)

✯Speaking of expansion, Mercury in harmonious aspects with Jupiter can also be a great indicator of someone who wants to expand their knowledge and skills when it comes to communication

✯Cancer/Capricorn Moon or Rising are usually the parents of their friend group

✯Even if you have no planets in your 9H, if your Jupiter is well aspected or you have a lot of Sagittarius degree(9°, 21°) then you may want to experience many things and try them out as soon as possible. Also you might be interested in traveling

✯6H/11H stellium people are the ones that feels pity for the people who are poor, homeless, and hungry. This is why these folks are willing to join donations or programs to help them out. They want to make this world a better place not only for people but also for the faunas(animals) and floras(plants)

✯Pluto in 2H may have financial upheaval because Pluto represents transformation and if it sits in the 2H then you might experience constant changes or turbulence with your financial terms. Applies to Moon in 2H as well

✯The reason why Scorpio placements are often mistaken as a fire sign is because they are very passionate with the things they love(I mean, arent they the most passionate lmao) and exude that extraversion side of theirs when you have a conversation with them

✯All fixed signs (Taurus, Leo, Scorpio, Aquarius) can be possessive and not just Taurus

✯Libra Sun with Aquarius Decan (10° - 19°) are the true altruist or humanitarians who strives for justice and at the same time, bring others together as one. Also they can be quite famous! This can also apply to Aquarius Sun with Libra Decan (20° - 29°)

✯Sagittarius Rising is the real epitome of a dedicated student but also a party person

✯Water/Libra/Taurus/Leo Risings are the ones that take so long in taking a bath JUST because we are still not done daydreaming and none of us want it to end 🙅🙅

✯Cats with Gemini Sun + Fire Moon are usually the cats that crave attention and love to be petted all the time

[poisonnxkki]

Intuition & How I Decipher Signs🦋

What is intuition?

Some people describe intuition as that gut feeling you get when something is wrong or are about to get bad news. Others differentiate the two, describing intuition as the opposite of instinct. In my experience, intuition is just... knowing. I don't think it really needs any fancy descriptors or metaphors. Sometimes we just know something but have no idea why. Intuition often acts in direct conflict with things like logic which is why some people can have a hard time understanding it and often act against it.

A personal example happened to me a few years ago, I was in a relationship with someone I wasn't meant to be with. After a while, every time I would see them something bad would happen (headaches, nausea, etc). When I finally ended my relationship with them several months later, I stopped experiencing those symptoms (remember mundane before magical, I did go to a doctor multiple times during this. please go see a doctor if you are feeling unwell).

Deciphering Signs:

No one can tell you what signs will look like for you, you are the only one who can tell what is and isn't a sign. This is because signs are meant to tell us something and they will speak in a way that is significant to us. Your spirit team isn't going to send you angel numbers if you don't believe in them. A lot of people will tell you that if you have to question whether or not it's a sign then it probably isn't. I'm here to say, I kinda agree (unfortunately). When something is meant for you, you can just feel it (trust your intuition on this one).

I mentioned this in my post on Deity work but if you are someone who struggles with telling what is a sign and what is just coincidence, you can try ignoring all signs. If a message is really important for you to know, your guides are going to try and make it so painfully obviously that you cannot possibly ignore it. Another option is to set conditions with your guides. Some people only acknowledge a sign after it has appeared a certain number of times consecutively (this could mean one after the other or over separate days, it's up to you to decide).

Once you have received a sign, it's up to you to figure out what it means. I often receive dragonflies from my guides but what that means for me will be different than what it means for you. You can obviously go online and search up the symbolism and correspondents associated with that animal but divination (like tarot) will probably give you a clearer understanding of what it means.

For me, when I see spiders 🕷 I know I need to do some divination. They are my sign that someone wants to speak with me. Last year I actually got sent 5 spiders one after the other. I would get one, have my partner kill it and find another one waiting for me in the next room (yes it was terrifying). I found out later on that it was because a certain deity wanted to speak with me.

Remember that you won't always understand a sign right away and that's actually normal. Writing down what signs you receive and what you believe them to mean (even if it's wrong) will be extremely helpful in defining your personal "sign dictionary". After a while of receiving the same signs, you'll be able to tell what they mean.

How to Strengthen Your Intuition?

The best way to strengthen your intuition (in my opinion) is to listen to it, even if you aren't really sure what it's saying. It may be asking you to do something that's difficult or makes you uncomfortable. I've found that most of the time, following my intuition means doing difficult things and forcing myself to grow as a person. The more trust we place in ourselves, the easier it becomes to follow through with what our intuition asks of us.

*All images are from Pinterest*

🖤For more information on intuition, check out this podcast episode: All Things Koze

[thedelusionreaderbitch]

Kanej x gn! Reader - Falling

A/n: So I know I haven't been posting lately and I'm so sorry! I have like 11 drafts (in my Tumblr alone) and I couldn't get any of them done and I don't know why! I also used the Dear Evan Hansen seen Did you fall? As an inspiration!

Warnings: TRIGGER WARNING!!! Suicidal reader, falling, heights, suicidal thoughts, mentions of death, language, I think that's it? You have been warned!

Summary: In a heist, you decided to let go

I do not own shadow and bone six of crows or its characters! I also do not own dear Evan Hansen because some of the dialogue came from that! On another note, I also did not make/do not own this image!

Your hand slipped from the ledge and then you were was falling.

Your know Inej had fallen many times, it's practically part of her job description. You had to make mistakes to get better so falling and tumbling was just how it worked, of course, she hadn't any more. Any of the stories she's told you have all been from the past. Kaz had fallen too, he jumped off a building and that's how he injured his leg, but you don't think any of their stories have lived up to this.

Your hair is flung back behind you, and you really have no control over your body. It should seem like your going down but that's not what it looks like, it looks like your floating up. You try and spread out your body so you would slow the speed you were falling at but it's no use.

You try and scream but at the rate that your falling it gets caught in the air and even that ability is taken away from you like so much air fills your lungs.

You don't close your eyes and try to imagine what your life could have been. After all, the only reason you weren't on the ground, safe with your friends was that you had just robbed and gotten Nikolai back Strumhond's ships. You might as well enjoy the view.

Luckily for you, there was a beautiful sunrise in the distance and the clouds seemed to be placed in all the right places like the framing around a picture.

Though it was ironic because it showed that life would go on after you died because death was inevitable for you wasn't it? Your life was just another spec in the universe barely even making a dent in anything.

A bitter thought comes to mind; at least you wouldn't have to deal with all the shit trauma you would have had to go through. The reason you had 'slipped' from the ledge was no coincidence.

The air around you started to get heavy and you could see the bottom of the earth coming closer and closer. It's then where you close your eyes and your mind forms two people - Kaz and Inej.

Your girlfriend and boyfriend would... Gosh, they would probably wreck the world till they found out who made you fall. Only their search would end up empty.

You didn't want to leave them like this, not really yet they had each other. Would good were you? You were always just an extra understudy, you were never good at something you were just... Average.

And why would you want to live in this saint's forsaken world any longer?

Mentally you brace yourself for the impact; you probably wouldn't even feel a thing. You were so high up that the force of you hitting the ground would make it so you would die on impact.

You don't. You don't end up hitting the ground the rough and welcoming grass and dirt of the earth signifying your end. Your freedom, no you find yourself face-first into a ginormous cushion on a flying boat.

Groaning you look around only to find that this is definitely Nikolai's (or Strumhond's) ship. And there were some frazzled-looking Crows coming right towards you.

Fuck. Fucking shit- Nope, nope you were not going to talk about this. No one needed to know! It was only a little high...

You had almost taken your own life.

The facts come full force at you and you have to calm your breathing so you don't have a full-on panic attack.

"Y/n!" Inej comes full force basically flying towards you as she leaps through the air as graceful as a cat and lands right beside you. Suddenly she pulls you into her arms and you have to remind yourself to embrace her because you feel so numb.

"I'm okay." You croak and it comes out a little teary but to everyone else, it had sounded like you were afraid of what might have happened but what you really were afraid of was what did happen.

Inej helps you off the cushion even though you are pretty sure you sustained little to no injuries. That thing was fucking soft.

"Y/n." It comes out shaky and your eyes meet Kaz's and they aren't lined with tears like Inej's but his voice wavers and holds the fear of the man who would do anything not to be scared like that ever again.

He limps over to you both and surprisingly pulls you both into his embrace.

This time you don't feel numb no - you feel fucking guilty.

Finally, all three of you pull away and when you meet Kaz's eyes again you know he knows.

By the Saints, this is just your luck today, isn't it?

"What happened," Kaz says slowly like he's talking to a child.

Okay, and that's why you didn't want to tell anyone because you weren't a child and you weren't making this shit up! He couldn't just undermine you because he thought you need some support 'that way!' That's not what you need!

It's not going to make it any better.

"I fell." You say crossing your arms taking a few steps back from Inej and Kaz.

"Kaz let it go." Inej's voice isn't light it's that commanding tone she uses to the people on her ship. She's never used that tone on us, sure maybe that mother tone but not that tone.

What's happening to us?

Kaz sets his hard gaze on Inej willing her to take a step back but she stands her ground of course she does.

Am I the reason we'll fall apart?

"Really? Is that what really happened?" Kaz utters and he turns his gaze towards you. It's hard and angry and he isn't Kaz Brekker or Kaz Rietveld anymore, he's Dirtyhands. And your just another opposing gang member he's trying to get information out of.

"Yes!" You shrink away from him becoming smaller and smaller till you hit the wall of the ship.

Inej seems to have caught on to what Kaz is assuming and she looks at you in surprise and shock.

"Y/n... No, no you can't have..."

"Why don't I believe you?"

You are pressed up against the wall now with Kaz and Inej in front of you, keeping you in your place so you don't or can't run away.

It was always meant to be Dirtyhands and the Wraith wasn't it? You were a fool for thinking they could ever love you. They would leave you wouldn't they? If you told them the truth.

Everything would be lost.

"I was... I was holding on!" You nearly yell like your trying to convince yourself that you didn't let go of that ship. That you almost won the war within yourself.

"Then I lost my grip on the ledge and I just... I was falling."

It's Inej this time who speaks and she gently places a hand on your shoulder.

"Did you fall or did you let go?"

The question hangs in the air and you see now that they weren't Dirtyhands and the Wraith, no. They were concerned, worried, and afraid they were going to lose you to yourself.

"I let go." You whisper looking down at the floor of the ship not bearing to be able to look them in the eyes.

You shove them out of the way but you couldn't just run away, it was a fucking flying ship for fucks shake! There was no getting away, and you didn't feel like flinging yourself off Nikolai's ship.

So you just stand by the railing as silent tears slowly roll down your face the only thing that recognized your suffering.

Out of the corner of your vision, you see two people come up beside you on each side. You don't say anything you don't even look at them, you just look on at the sunrise and how it's almost forming into a beautiful sunny day.

"I'm sorry." Inej whispers and you hesitantly takes your hand and you can't help but let her.

You look over to Kaz and for once in your life, all his guards are down and you can tell he's also sorry. But you could also tell that he was so, so afraid.

"Please don't leave us."

Its barely said yet you can hear it clear as day and he takes your other hand looking at you with pleading eyes.

Looking over to Inej her eyes held the same beg, the beg of forgiveness, and the beg of safety.

Your beautiful Crows.

"I'll try."

"That's all we ask." Inej states as she and Kaz move closer to you and you all look at the sun. And what's beyond.

Words 1463

-thedelusionreaderbitch

Shadow and bone taglist: @kaqua @rika90 @thefandomplace @musical-theatre-obsessed-dumbass @gallysonegoodlung @navs-bhat @sumsebien @dontjudgeabookbythecover @brekker-zenik @alohastitch0626