#because she’s more than capable of learning without tools

[albusthefakepitbull]

inside you are 2 wolves: one knows that r+ will take longer but stick better and the other wants to slap a prong on and be a lazy trainer

[maxdibert]

Does Severus have daddy issues or mommy issues?

Can it be both?

Severus comes from a dysfunctional home, and trauma in such environments often has one main figure but several peripheral ones. Clearly, the focus of his issues is Tobias, who is a violent figure. We can also assume that his father is one of the main reasons he developed a disdain and dislike for Muggles and the Muggle world in general, as he associated everything related to it with something negative. This could explain why he had such anxiety not only about fitting into the magical world but also about being sorted into a house that was considered opposed to the acceptance of Muggle culture.

I also always say that his upbringing context must be taken into account—he didn’t come from a good neighborhood, or a comfortable area with resources and social welfare. He was raised in a very poor and vulnerable social context, so it’s logical that for him, the Muggle world represented being at the very bottom of the social ladder and, at the same time, symbolized violence and a lack of basic necessities.

The fact that we know his father was a violent man, and yet Severus does not express physical violence himself but is rather sly when he wants to hurt someone—that he acts from the shadows and always tries to contain himself—says a lot about how trauma shaped his personal expression in relation to others. Also, the fact that he clearly has more conflicts with men than with women—especially with men who have a very heteronormative behavior, who exhibit a hegemonic, dominant, and aggressive masculinity—could be interpreted as a reflection of his rejection of everything that reminds him of that abusive paternal figure, identifying that type of masculinity as something negative, while also seeing it as a threat.

But the father is not the only negligent one, and we know that victims can also be abusive without ceasing to be victims, or they can be imperfect victims. I believe Eileen also played a role in his personal issues. There are many versions of Eileen, but the most widespread is that of the abused woman who adored her son and who was his only emotional support. However, one thing that is rarely talked about—since it’s a taboo because it’s often interpreted as questioning victims of gender violence, even though it isn’t, because we’re not delegitimizing what they went through—is that violence within a couple, when there are children involved, doesn’t only affect the woman—it affects the children, too.

And women don’t have to put on a brave face or try to pretend nothing is happening. Many try, to protect their children, but even so, it doesn’t work, because children are not blind. I don’t rule out the possibility that Eileen had her moments of maternal affection, but she probably also had her moments as a traumatized and abused woman who couldn’t get out of bed or manage her own trauma properly and wasn’t capable—or didn’t have the strength—to be a support system for her son.

That, of course, adds to the fact that the abuse came from someone supposedly “inferior” to her. That she could have easily knocked him out, that she had tools to defend herself but had fallen into learned helplessness and the cycle of violence that often affects these types of victims, and simply didn’t see herself as capable. And that also breeds a lot of anger and resentment and long-term consequences.

I bring this up because it’s very common that, even though the main hatred or trauma children feel in these households is directed toward the abuser, the violent figure, over time they also develop internalized resentment toward the other adult who was supposed to take care of them. Because even if you know your mother was a victim, she was also an adult, and she was supposed to protect you, she was supposed to get you out of there—and she didn’t. And even if you understand why she didn’t, even if you know she couldn’t, that doesn’t mean you stop resenting her actions.

So to me, Severus not only has daddy issues, but could very well have mommy issues as well, from this angle. It’s not far-fetched. In fact, it’s completely logical and realistic, especially if we assume that Eileen never left Tobias—not even when Severus went to Hogwarts and she knew her son would be in a place where he’d be fed and sheltered and she could have run away. She stayed, as many victims do, and it wouldn’t be far-fetched to think that Severus, as he grew up—and especially as he fell deeper and deeper into that Slytherin purist sphere—began to resent his mother more and more. Or even blamed her for the fact that they could have had a better life, but she chose to live in misery.

So I’d say both, but clearly, the main and foundational source of his trauma and anger issues is his father.

[tizeline]

I’ve never seen a separated au with Leo being raised by big mama, what do you think that would be like? (Since he’s kinda rebellious)

For the record, there are AUs where Leo's been raised by Big Mama, the ones I know of are Gemini AU by tangledinink and True Colors AU by v-albion. I'm not super familiar with either of them, but they're there if you wanna check them out.

That being said-

LEO being raised by BIG MAMA omg I have THOUGHTS

Listen, I don't see enough people compare Leo to Big Mama, but he's quite similar to her. Splinter and BM never got a kid together, BUT IF THEY DID that kid would literally be Leo he's basically just a fusion of the two of them!!

As I've mentioned several times before because I love bringing it up, Leo is strategic, quick-witted, observant and good at talking. In the show (as well as in my own AU) Leo's strengths aren't really recognized, let alone aknowledged for a big portion of the story. Because of that, for a long time he doesn't really get the chance to develop these skills, as much potential Leo has to become a master planner his impulsiveness and inexperience has a tendency to get him into trouble.

BUT! All of these skills also happen to be skills that Big Mama has and would value in Leo. So if he were to actually have to opportunity to not only be raised by BM but also trained by her for his entire life. If he got to properly learn strategy, planning, manipulation...?

... Holy shit Leo would be terrifying.

Think about it, canon!Leo managed to out-smart BM in Many Unhappy Returns without any real experience, just imagine what he could do with a whole life-time of training.... yikes!

Not sure what exactly Big Mama and Leo's relationship would look like. In my opinion she would view him as her son and love him dearly, especially if she knew that he's Splinter's biological son.... it's just that BM has interesting ways of showing affection. ("The love of my life just proposed to me?? Great! I'm gonna lock him up in my gladiator fighting ring for the rest of eternity!") She'd at the very least be quite controlling, I imagine.

As you pointed out, Leo can be quite rebellious, so that mixed with Big Mama's obsessive need to be in complete control of everyone around her would certainly cause some tension. Actually... considering how clever Leo would be in this AU... uh oh.

All of these qualities that BM initially appreciated and encouraged in Leo, what if, as Leo became more and more capable, Big Mama started to eventually view them in a more negative light? If she feels like she's loosing control over Leo, if she interprets Leo's rebellion as not just a normal teenage need for independence but rather him malicously working against her. What if she starts viewing him not as an asset or as a tool, but rather a threat?

If BM has reason to believe that Leo might try to overthrow her and take control over her criminal empire, she might take preemptive action and get rid of him before he has the chance to get rid of her.... Not like murder-get-rid-of, I don't think she'd just kill him, lol! But like lock him up, maybe throw him into the Battle Nexus, I dunno. Anything that would allow her to remain in control of both him and her business.

As for Leo, maybe he would actually try to overthrow BM. Considering he was raised by a literal mafia boss, his moral compass is gonna be a bit wack. Maybe Leo's desire for control over himself would cause him to try to seize control over his mother's business. Oooooorrrrr maybe Leo just wants some independance but doesn't actually want to compete with BM, so when she interprets his actions and behavior as malicious he's not prepared for that at all and, as a result, is more than a little hurt that his own mother would take such extreme actions against him. Who knows?

Hhhhhhh there's a lot of fun posibilities here but MAN I'm not really in the mood to work on an entirely new AU. Maybe I'll create some art for it I dunno, this concept is really fun, but I'm not gonna turn this into a proper Thing, so if anyone else wanna steal this concept and explore it for themselves, feel more than free to do that!

[layla4567]

Opla!Sanji with a mechanic reader || headcanons

Just think of a fem!reader who is dedicated to the repair and maintenance of boats. She always has grease stains on her clothes or on her face and with tools in her hand and in the pockets of her overalls.

🐟 I think at first he would be surprised by your nature and way of being. He is used to hanging out with women who are perhaps more superficial and who like to dress up or look good.

🐟 But Sanji admires your independent character and how you know how to defend yourself. Sometimes you caught him checking you out or spying on you when you were working on the boat.

🐟 One day he had approached you with a tray of drinks on a hot day "Maybe the lady would like a glass of cold water?" You were sitting on a box with your torso bent forward fixing a loose piece of wood on the floor of the ship, when you heard his voice you turned around smiling "Oh thanks mate, I needed it" You immediately grabbed the glass and began to drink it almost without breathing while the liquid ran down the corner of your lips and stained your clothes. Sanji looked at you laughing.

🐟 You were so different from the other girls, your "unfeminine" style attracted him and he did everything possible to be closer to you.

🐟 He learned a lot about you and your craft. Sanji loved how capable you were of handling yourself and how you weren't a damsel in distress at all.

🐟 At first, like a gentleman, he offered his help to carry heavy things, but over time he learned to respect your space. He learned this one day when he saw you carrying a barrel resting on your shoulder.

🐟 He can't help but clean grease stains that are on your face when he sees you. More than once he has approached without saying anything and with his kitchen cloth he wiped a small stain on your cheek, looking into your eyes while telling you that dinner was ready.

🐟 I like to think that you would be the one in charge in the relationship, as if he were the princess in the tower guarded by the dragon and you the knight who comes to rescue him (sub sanji 👀?)

🐟 Maybe he will try to learn about boat mechanics to try to help you or spend more time with you (spoiler: he does it terribly) but you appreciate his nice gesture

🐟 Sanji is a gentleman and it's in his nature to help others because he's a helpful person so he will always have food and drinks on hand when you are working. He also can't help but try to help you carry some tools or whatever even though he knows you can handle yourself perfectly well (and he loves that).

[the-red-thread-that-strangles]

☠️🔻♥️ penny for your akai thoughts? 🥺

Hehe thank you for the ask, Celine

(ask meme here, musings and ramblings under the cut)

✨🚬 Akai Shuuichi🪗✨

☠️ Angry/violent headcanons

This is difficult to answer for me, but I think separating the two aspects of this category will allow me to consider both carefully. The problem is, I'm a big proponent of Akai being too numb to get angry. After all, this is the man who smiled at the guy who killed his girlfriend and called him his "beloved enemy". And while I do believe that his dramatic disney princess haircut upon hearing of Akemi's death was partly motivated by anger (and probably alcohol), I think it was mostly grief that drove him to it. Akai Shuuichi's anger, when it does exist, is cold and callous, because he knows he'll get what he wants eventually - or die trying.

If anything, I think he's the type to internalise the anger and turn it inwards. I wonder if the alcohol and cigarettes are a form of self-harm through negligence. Does he think he doesn't deserve better than this, seeing as he's just a tool of violence and death?

Now, the violence aspect is much more interesting. I think that to Akai, violence is a tool. He's not necessarily drawn to it, but he's used to it, and he wields it well. When I first started researching the psychology of people exposed to violence, I learned one very important thing: spies, policemen, soldiers, and other people exposed to violence are not fighters. Akai is not a fighter. Fighting is a ritual, usually done in social situations (to establish dominance, power, etc), with certain rules. If you are forced to fight, you have already lost the pre-confrontation stage of the altercation, the planning, the opportunity to simply crush your opponent with overwhelming force and violence.* I think that Akai excels at this step (he has to, as a sniper), and that he's capable of impressive displays of violence without blinking. It's as much a deterrent as a tool - after all, people will get the message to not try to mess with him if he crushes his opposition mercilessly. We've all spent a lot of time thinking about how Calvados and Kusuda would rather die than deal with Rye, and how the BO has kill-on-sight orders for him. I think it's because of his skill at inflicting violence. He's not cruel - leave that to Bourbon - but he's cold, merciless, and somehow, that's worse. You can't taunt him, can't reason with him. Once he's got you in his sights, you will eventually perish. That's the grim reaper for you.

And he won't even feel bad about it.

*Side note, but this made me think again about how cute the Ferris Wheel fight is, and how much Akai is indulging Rei there. He's meeting Rei where he's at, playing with the rules Rei presents without speaking, without intent to seriously harm, even dragging him back from certain death. Hell, all the while he's handicapped by his rifle case, and the enemy is coming. Akai should be way too smart to indulge like this, but he clearly is, and that's so cute.

🔻 Childhood headcanons

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, Akai Shuuichi was daddy's little boy. I'll die on the hill that he first handled a rifle at a very young age when Tsutomu took him on hunting trips.

Other than that, I like to think he used to be a quiet kid, preferring to read over talking to others. In the plant one shot, I wrote teen Akai hiding behind the branches of his willow and reading, and that visual stuck.

I like to think he smiled more, and more genuinely too. Imagining small Akai all bashful because he stayed up too late and Mary caught him reading Holmes novels under the blankets with a flashlight gives me joy. ("You're going to ruin your eyesight", she chastised, and now look where we are. Mr. 20/20 long distance sniper really showed her. Actually. I think Mary should meet Okiya with his glasses, and chastise him for finally needing them. Akai can't well refute her, because he does need them; granted, it's for disguise purposes and not to aid his vision, but she has a point. Also, moving away from the childhood hcs, old man Akai with glasses is peak 🙏 )

Also I imagine Akai not really knowing what to do with his little brother, and Shuukichi trailing after him like a little duckling. Imagining Akai reading him bedtime stories to get him to calm down is soothing my heart.

Oh and lastly, our beloved little pale grim reaper got sunburnt easily I'm sure. Now, this might not have been a problem in England due to the mostly rainy weather, but I bet there exists a photo of a young Akai who could pass as a lobster from when they visited Japan in the summer time.

❤️ Family headcanons

I'm not really sure what to say here aside from Akai clearly being a family man, even if he's not too great at showing it. He cares about his siblings and is fond of his mom, even estranged as they are, and if anybody hurts them, he retaliates at full force.

This also applies to Yumi, as Shuukichi's fiancée, and probably will also apply to whoever Masumi drags into the mess that is the Akai family. Rip Ran or Momiji or-

I think Akai has been away for so long that he doesn't really know how to interact with his family; there will probably be a bit of a reality check for Masumi at one point when she realises that the cool brother she idealised is cool, but also emotionally detached, and probably traumatized. Still, I think she simply won't leave him the option of running away again, and he's going to be the laid back and terribly enabling uncle for his nieces and nephews (of which there will be many, I am sure).

I also think that Akai and Shiho's bond should be further explored. I think Shiho benefits a lot from not being as alone as she thinks in the long run. Granted, she'll probably get along better with Masumi than Akai (a low bar to clear, I know), but she will eventually have to address the Akemi situation. And there really isn't anybody left who could mourn her, aside from the pair of them. So, as much as she doesn't like Akai, I think they should mourn Akemi together, and move on together. Also, as a bonus Crack idea I want them to go to some sort of mystery dinner together and have them crack the whole case before they're even finished with the entrees. Let them be smart together. Augh. Also Akai attending the defense of her PhD...

I think I should stop now, at this point I'm projecting XD

Thanks again for the ask ^^

[shady-tavern]

Preview for "For the Living and the Dancing" the September Short Story

(warnings ahead for consensual body modifications as well as implied/mentioned child abuse and self-experimentation, please be sure to take care of yourselves)

*.*.*

Julie had been born to a strict father, who so desperately wished for her to be a genius, that he didn't hesitate to do whatever he considered necessary to present her as one. For as long as she could remember, she was seated at her desk for hours on end, her father looming behind her.

As soon as she was old enough to hold the tools of an enchanter, for that was the bloodline of their family, he taught her how to carve the sigils and runes, the symbols and how to keep her lines perfectly straight, her circles perfectly round.

"A genius is capable of using both hands," her father told her, tying down her dominant hand and putting a pen in the other. "Learn."

"A genius knows how to present themselves," her father said as he taught her how to speak with people, drilling titles and manners into her head and what to wear when meeting people of rank.

"A genius speaks clearly," her father said as he had her read books out loud until she got her lisp under control.

He demanded that she memorize knowledge, that she overtake her peers in class whenever possible. He dedicated every ounce of his free time to her education and once she was old enough to pretend with him, he took her to the academy where he taught.

He seated her in classes and boasted that she understood the material but wasn't ready to join the academy full time yet. She didn't understand the material, but she was a shy child, a quiet child, so people considered her cute and annoying instead of a fraud.

"You must be a genius," her father told her, his hands big and heavy on her shoulders. He never touched her unkindly, but his hands always felt like they were pressing her down into the earth, making her shrink smaller and smaller.

"You must be, because we are enchanters, my dear," he told her with a grimness that she wished she could hide away from. "Mages already look down upon us for being lesser. But if you are more than that, they will praise us at long last."

She didn't fully understand, she thought the mages she had met were quite friendly, but she had noticed her father's coolness towards them. How he was never invited to their parties and meetings, to their special little clubs, despite his skill as an enchanter.

In one of her few cherished memories, her father had gifted her hand-made, enchanted toys. Little birds that flew around her and chirped the most beautiful songs. Fish that swam through the air and shimmered in a multitude of colors.

"So you are less alone," he had said.

But she had been very little then and he had been kinder, softer. He had smiled more back then.

Her mother was a quiet woman as well, but it took Julie a while to understand that she wasn't shy. She was quiet and cowed into silence, resembling more a ghost than a person as she drifted through their home, the servants casting concerned looks at her.

When her mother got pregnant again against all expectations, Julie felt excited for the first time in years. She had been so very alone for so long. Her father only allowed her to play with other gifted children and they were all...awkward. Like Julie. And like Julie, they were all weighed down by expectations.

Sometimes she looked at her little circle of carefully selected friends and thought that they were all trying to be adults without knowing how to be one.

Her mother's pregnancy progressed well and Julie felt ever more hopeful for a sibling. For someone to play with, to talk to. She'd teach her sibling how to walk and talk and she'd make sure to be a kinder teacher than her father.

She hoped her father would leave her sibling be.

It was that thought that made her work harder. She did her best to keep all the attention on her as the date of the birth grew closer, but her father was so very eager for the child, it was difficult to retain his focus.

And then the child was born, a little girl and Julie loved her. She took one glance at the little one, her mother looking more like a ghost than ever, and she wanted to protect her from everything.

The last thing her mother did was name the child Anne. Julie had learned how to cry quietly years ago and as she held her little sister, the midwife having showed her how, she promised in a whisper that her little sister was going to have a better, happier life.

Her father did not shed a tear, though he wore mourning garb for weeks on end. He picked up the lessons with a vengeance and Julie kept her head down. She kept quiet, stayed soft and pliant and agreeable, sneaking away to help the wet-nurse with her little sister whenever she could.

That tiny bubble of joy was soon popped when it became clear that something was up with her little sister. She seemed to be unwell more often than not.

"She's been born with a sickness," the doctor said when he came to thoroughly examine the babe. 

Julie didn't like his tone, she didn't like how her little sister squirmed, her pudgy little face puffing up in upset. She wanted to go and scoop her up, but her father was in the room and she didn't dare do anything that he disapproved of.

She had no idea what the doctor said next, a complicated name that sounded almost too elegant, too sophisticated for what ailed her little sister.

Anne had been born ill, her body would always be weak and would deteriorate the older she got.

"She wont get old," the doctor warned quietly but Julie heard him anyway. "There is medicine to delay the decay, but it won't cure her. If you are diligent, if the girl does exactly as I say, if she doesn't get ill often, she might make it to twenty."

Twenty years. That was...that was so very little time. Julie stared at her little sister, her throat suddenly so tight she couldn't even breathe, her stomach rolling with horror.

She would have to bury her sister before she even fully finished growing.

It took Julie a couple of days to digest those news as much as possible and then she decided that no matter how much or how little time her sister had, she'd make sure it would be the best life possible.

Her father had lost all interest in his new daughter, the grimness of his demeanor deepening further. It was like he was already grieving.

Julie didn't understand, because Anne was right there and she was alive. Not well, perhaps, but she lived. She was a pudgy, often stinky little baby that Julie loved with all her heart.

So she studied harder and when her father dropped her off at the academy, she asked if she was allowed to sit in the medical classes. She had never asked to be put into specific classes before, because they were all hard and she struggled to understand even part of what was going on, despite her father helping her study at home.

Her father brightened a little at that and agreed readily.

Julie understood even less in those classes, but for the first time, she approached the professor afterwards and asked questions.

The woman was surprised at first and the longer they spoke, the more puzzled she seemed, but she answered all questions readily, dumbing things down until Julie finally understood.

She came back again and again, to the point where she secretly scurried out of the other classes to join the medical ones. If she left quickly enough to go meet her father where she was supposed to wait for him, he had no idea and the professors had such full classes no one noticed her slipping away.

Anne grew well despite the odds stacked against her and the day Julie saw her get up on wobbly knees, she was so excited her little sister fell over because she was laughing too much at Julie whooping and clapping her hands.

Anne was the best thing in Julie's life. Perhaps even the only good thing.

Once her little sister was old enough to play with more things than cubes and stuffed animals, Julie made toys. Like her father had once made them for her. 

She made frogs that hopped just slow enough that her sister could catch them. She made a snake to coil around Anne and help her walk up and down the stairs, catching her before she could fall.

She made Anne a small prancing horse that she could ride up and down the hallways since she could rarely go outside and wasn't allowed to ride an actual horse. The little toy horse couldn't go very fast and would not spook or toss her. With her sister properly strapped in, she was safe and she could still have fun.

Her father examined each toy, looking impressed and soon the theoretical lessons were replaced with practical ones more and more.

"You might not be a conventional genius, but perhaps we can make you a prodigy," he mused as he handed her even finer tools and even more material. "Invent something to make me proud."

By now, Julie was old enough to understand what he actually meant: 'Invent something I can brag about'. Her father felt so inferior to mages that it had consumed every part of him, even the parts that had once been loving and kind.

Enchanters had no magic, but they could create magic and in her opinion, that was just as valuable, just as amazing. Sure, mages could enchant too, but their work would always be rougher and rather unwieldy compared to an enchanters.

Enchanters on the other hand could do nothing without tools and materials.

Julie worked hard, she had no idea what exactly inventors were supposed to do, how to make something that her father could impress others with, but once she thought of making things for her sister, to her surprise, she succeeded.

It wasn't anything big, not yet, but the little dog she made at her sister's request was what made her father quite satisfied. The little dog could perform simple commands, it could fetch things both pointed at and named, if the words were spoken clearly and it caught things that fell if it was close enough.

She had to make a second dog for her sister, since her father took the first to the academy and she never saw it again.

But making her little sister happy was worth it. All the hardships were worth it, the ways her fingers ached and she hid scratches and burns under long sleeves and gloves, her sister too little to find it odd.

Her sister was a happy child, for all that she couldn't be like the other kids, and yet, Julie found herself weeping sometimes, thinking of all that her little sister couldn't have.

Of all the years she would never live.

*.*.*

Julie stared down at her experiments, her hands scarred and calloused after years of hard work. Her mind felt empty as she looked at the partially assembled focus for a mage, a commissioned piece of work that had caused her father to puff up like a preening peacock.

The mage in question was a very influential, very rich one. He only ordered from the best of the best and he had wanted her.

Julie was almost done, but she couldn't bring herself to finish her work. Not when Anne was too weak to get up. She had been too weak for a while now and it filled Julie with a terrible fear.

Anne was only ten years old. That was half the time of what the doctor had said she might have if they were careful, if they cared for her. Julie's eyes welled with tears and she got up, for the first time abandoning her work while her father was awake and in the house and she left the cellar that had gotten remodeled for her.

There were shelves upon shelves of materials and books, various sketches and ideas she had written down and shoved wherever possible when she thought they weren't good enough.

Her father was in his study so he didn't notice when she walked up the stairs to the bedroom at the end of the hall and her sister greeted her with a sweet, if tired smile. But the smile trembled around the edges and it made Julie's throat tight.

Anne hadn't really understood her sickness when she had been younger. And while she had been upset then, it had been...easier to deal with. She hadn't been scared then, hadn't known to be sacred.

But she knew so much more now, was so much more aware. Julie had taught her things in the evenings, in the little bit of time she had between finishing her work and before heading to bed. Anne was such a bright child and she had wanted to brighten that glow whenever possible.

Anne knew she was dying and she was so very scared.

Her little sister grabbed her hand the second Julie sat down on the bed beside her. Her sister's smile trembled and then shattered as her eyes filled with tears.

"I don't want to die," Anne said, her voice shaking and the look on her face broke Julie's heart worse than anything else ever had. Even the one time she had gone out with a boy only to find out he only pretended to like her to get a free invention out of her.

Her sister swallowed and in a quiet whisper that sounded so very helpless and scared, she added, "Please don't let me die."

Julie closed her eyes against the sting of tears and leaned forward to press a kiss to her little sister's forehead, hugging her tight when she started to cry. She sat with her sister until she had cried herself to sleep and when she quietly left the room, her father was waiting in the hallway.

His face was stony and that suffocatingly heavy grimness was back in his gaze. "Go back to work," he said quietly. "There is nothing to be done."

Julie bit down on a surge of unexpected rage that surprised her with it's intensity and abruptness. She almost shouted at him that such things had never stopped him from trying to make her more than she was. It had never stopped him from lying and posturing and making everything bigger and grander than it was.

It had never stopped him from pretending.

But she stayed quiet and walked down the stairs until the coolness of the cellar greeted her, along with all it's familiar scents. She sat down and mechanically finished the focus before she stared at her shelves off to the side. 

An entire bookshelf was dedicated to medical texts. She had tried so hard to find ways to help her sister, to make her live longer, but there was indeed no cure. Her body was going to decay until it set her soul free.

It felt like something fell into place in her mind, something terribly blasphemous and illegal. 

The temples had decreed the flesh sacred. It was a gift from their gods and was to remain unchanged, no matter the circumstances. Nothing was ever removed unless it was a matter of life or death.

If someone was born with parts or limbs that didn't work or even without them, it was considered a punishment for bad actions committed in a previous life that someone had to repent for now.

Doctors and mages were therefore ever searching for techniques to heal the body back to its original state, but not even medicine, not even magic, could fix everything.

Anne's body was going to abandon her before long.

Julie would be locked away for life if she what she planned to do was discovered. But if she succeeded...if she could do this, her sister would get to live longer. Far, far longer.

That was worth everything.

*.*.*

The full story will be posted on September on both my patreon and my ko-fi, thank you everyone so much for your support! Everything helps and means the world to me, from reading my stuff to kudos and reblogs and don't worry, I'm reading all the tags!

You guys make it a real joy to write and post things, so I really want to say thank you for that.

For those who'd like to read more of my writing in the meantime, please feel free to check out my masterpost!

[team7-headquarter]

There's no way I can analyze the Team 7 dynamic before saying a bunch of stuff about Sakura.

Most vital parts of her character in relation to the theme of the story get completely overlooked in favor of #GirlPower, making her just part of a ship or hating her without taking a moment to really dive in how she exists on the Naruto world.

What do you mean you can't remember Haku's speech on how in the shinobi system people want to become tools for the people they love and how it connects to Sakura later becoming a medic nin?

What do you mean you can't see how she was not given proper continuation to her Naruto classic breakthrough in the Chunning Exams + after the Sasuke Retrieval mission? And before someone can say her only realization was has been useless all that time, it's even more important!! She knew she had been unfair to Naruto for treating him so bad and expecting him to shoulder all her burdens like nothing, that she did a disservice to Sasuke too by not acting as her teammate but basically asking him to rescue himself and Naruto it failed. She makes a promise to herself to grow for her and not someone else, to become a kunoichi and focus on her career instead of letting times drag her around, she makes herself a promise that she won't be powerless anymore, because her friends deserve it and she deserves it.

Naruto Classic even makes a point of letting her go back into her old ways out of stress and the minute she notices what she has done, what she did to Sasuke and Naruto, she apologizes to him (Naruto) and promises to burden the weight of the promise he made with him— that's why, back then, Shikamaru and Tsunade were able to smile to both Sakura and Naruto, seeing their courage in the face of Sasuke leaving.

Shippuden just repeats and exploits those scenes in new ways, bringing Sakura back at the start for the sake of drama or ship baiting. What Sai told Sakura and how it leads to Sakura fake confession makes no sense given the hospital room scene!!!! She knows she hurt him, she saw it back then!!!! She knows he suffers for her and that's why she promised to go after Sasuke with him next time! She apologized for her behavior and she worried about Naruto's wellbeing and she ran to ask to be Tsunade's apprentice because she knew!!!!

It makes no sense!!!

Her arc in the Classic is supposed to be about how she doesn't have a definition of herself that she feels belong in the world, so she hides behind pretences. During their presentation, you learned more about Sasuke than Sakura. She was on the same level of Kakashi revealing nothing about her life. The Chunning Exams start with Kakashi all worried that her lack of confidence/independence would force her into the exams. She realizes how little she has truly work on her own self during the Sound shinobis attack and cuts her hair, swearing she'll do better. It's her sense of self HIDDEN SO DEEP WITHIN HER, what break a technique that is not supposed to be capable of being broken.

The Classics portraits Sakura as being annoying and naive and causing damage through ignorance but it always Sakura to grow. She learns and she's able to keep that knowledge. She's neglected by Kakashi in her training, but she's able to seek a sensei for herself —and that's an important thing for her! She's not waiting for someone to teach her or recommend her! She has agency now! She has gone so far, evolved so much!

Sakura offering herself as a puppet to Chiyo is not about lack of independence, it's Sakura showing that she acknowledged and accepted the Shinobi philosophy of being a weapon. She's still Sakura, too sentimental, too willing to jump to shield the life of another, but now it gives Tsunade's energy. Those women turn weakness into power, love and fear into determination. Sasori allows them to kill him because the battle was never about the knifes and always about the dispute on points of views.

It's a battle of philosophies: Chiyo and Sakura won

But after that? There are moments of importance and coherence, but the story starts regressing her progress in favor of some angst with Naruto or Sasuke and it kills their dynamics. The storytelling is messy —not cohesive enough. Contradictions start to appear everywhere. It's not even a form to being depth into her characterization, it's clear it's nothing but indecision, confusion, too many lines to take so you take several and end up mixing it.

The Sakura from the Classic was unknowable for her teammates. Naruto couldn't see her struggles because he was too young. Sasuke could see it, but he didn't want to engage with it 'cause he had his own agenda. They had their dreams and they were her dream. They were far more developed and on a different stage of their storylines, while Sakura was far behind, a late bloomer.

Her whole story is about her trying to catch up with them not in power, not in importance, but merely on the idea of having work on herself enough that she can't stand on her own and do something on her own and mean something of her own, without them, outside of them, so their dynamics can mature too.

Must mention that I'm not talking about romance at all, but you can't avoid it a lot because romance is one of the obstacles in their relationships. The love triangle and later the nostalgia encourages them all to see the others through the lenses of idealization or through memories. It's not until the end of the Classic that the masks fall, with Sasuke forcing it. He forces Naruto and Sakura to grow, the same way the violent reality of the Waves arc forced them to face the nature of the shinobi life.

The main conflict of part 1 is that they were kids.

Then Shippuden (with all the love in the world, I love Shippuden so much but wait a minute) goes the coward route. It pretends to be all mature and political and then avoids the real problems, never continuating that personality traits presented in the Classic that would lead Naruto, Sakura and Sasuke to take different decisions that what they took later on the manga.

Naruto wanted to semanticsize the word shinobi after Zabuza! Sakura questioned the system right then and Kakashi had to give a speech about it!!!! The real context of Sasuke leaving is not "oh no, Sasuke you can't be a rebel!!", it's the knowledge that Orochimaru wants to experiment on him and he already has without Sasuke's consent and he (Sasuke) was in real danger by going forward with the cursed mark! The other kids only knew about Orochimaru through the tell of how he killed the Hokage, but Sakura and Naruto fought with him on the Forest of Death!!

Sakura says all she says to try and stop Sasuke for leaving because it is a director callback to their conversation after Naruto transformed in Sasuke and tried to kiss her. Sasuke said Sakura made him sick because she didn't know what how lonely was horrible and dared to talk about it without knowing and saying stuff like she would be better without her parents. So Sakura tries to tell him on that night, look! I'm feeling it now! If this is how you were feeling then stay! Or take me with you! She plays with the fact he must remember that conversation. This time she's not thinking "I want to overwhelm him with sex appeal", mouth full of words she doesn't comprehend. She's saying "I love you!" because she still doesn't comprend how Sasuke feels, but she knows how she feels now.

She's gone a long way, but she still has further to go and Sasuke would never mess with her own development. He would never do that to her. He can't talk to Sakura, she won't get it, she still has to learn about the world, so he won't waste more words. So he thanks her. Who knows what for, but he thanks her. Her ignorance's annoying to no end but he appreciates how she, despite the barriers, tries to reach him anyway. She lacks the words or the method or the strength, but she tries anyway.

For him.

It's very much the same with Naruto. She turns herself into a weapon for them both and she even internalizes the cruelty of the shinobi world, that she had to treat Sasuke like the enemy and fight him like the enemy and stop him for commiting more crimes (view from the Konoha perspective), but she fails. She can't. She does the same thing Tsunade did to poison the people she loved and tried to solve it on her own, but in both cases they were lying to themselves. They wanted an easy way out. I kill you, it's over, I don't have to deal anymore with the pain your own decisions bring me because I can't stop you, you're your own person. They KNOW it and the fold under the knowledge of it, okay?

Naruto is a jinchuriki and they are hunting him to kill him and she can't do nothing, because going on with those missions is Naruto's decisions and not hers. She's selfish in wanting them save and sound! It is bad and it is human! She is erasing them as their own persons! She loves them so so much! She acts several times on her desire to go back and pretend everything is okay and then her friends have to correct her, sometimes gentle or sometimes reprimanding her. As tempting as it is to close your eyes and pretend, it can't be. That's the only reason why she didn't fell for the lure of the Eternal Tsukuyomi: her whole life has been about learning why that living of illusions won't bring happiness to anyone.

Shippuden somehow traps her in that realization like a personal hell. I love you both. You are willing to sacrifice your wellbeing for your dreams. I can't do nothing. I can only cry and ask you to stop and do something reckless and try to use myself as a living shield. But I can't do nothing. You are your own beings and you will destroy yourselves if you want to. I can only sit, wait and see if I can mend you later. I can only deal with the afterwards. I can only control my reactions to your actions.

Making her a medic is amazing because she has to wait for one of them to start bleeding to come in the scene. They will never allow her to fight for them in the way they did for her in the Classic, for multiple reasons —including just how important is agency and free will for both Naruto and Sasuke.

When people say she's useless? Or have no place in the narrative? Or bring nothing to the table? Or speaks in no way about the failures and cruelty if the shinobi system? When people don't get that she's Naruto and Sasuke narrative foil in terms of her arc being narrated in a completely different way with different aspects? That's she's all they're not or can't be or can't have or weren't allowed to be? When people erase her from the dynamics of Team 7 and don't see the gaping hole they left in her absence?

It makes me utterly insane. All members of Team 7, the original and all the Shippuden versions, are relevant to the themes. All of them.

[otogariado]

i am always skeptical of media where the monstrous creatures of evil are painted as irredeemable and truly inhuman because they aren't capable of thinking and feeling like humans—it's easy for it to fall into so many -isms, notably ableism and racism. it's like the age old argument against robots except make it fantasy, and to have it painted in such a cut and dry way sets off alarm bells.

but i think the way frieren (the show) handles its demons and the concept of them only being able to mimic human speech and other parts of human culture and not understand it is actually good. in that, intrinsically, frieren (the show) is about human connection. they put a lot of emphasis on human understanding as well as compassion. and i think it's fundamental that frieren (the character) is presented the way she is—an elf who is also inhuman, but is so very human in her sentience anyway. she doesn't perceive a lot of things similarly to humans because of the gap between her morality and the morality of humans, but still she is able to shift her perspective the more she interacts with people and the world around her and the more she opens up to it. when your main character is presented as an "outsider looking in" and is going through an arc of self-(re)discovery, it changes the game when you introduce demons.

at first i was heavily against demons being painted in such a frank way. it's been a while since i watched that arc when it was released, but since then i think the concept of the clones in the dungeon during the second exam in the exam arc adds more insight to it. the clones don't have actual minds, but try to perfectly recreate them instead. and now i understand and accept it. you can mimic and recreate a person from the ground up so perfectly, but it comes with the caveat of no matter how perfect your mimicry is, if it's all logic and algorithms then that's just not human. even if a person is very logical and rational in their way of thinking, people are imperfect. there's always factors that influence how we think and feel (even if we're someone who doesn't 'feel' as much as other people), "noise" that would count as human error. and that's something the demons never account for. as people have put it, how terrifying is it to recreate something without fundamentally understanding it.

and now it's very interesting how timely this theme is in frieren with regards to discussions about the (mis)use of AI and topics like AI art. it's a whole other discussion entirely, but it's really fascinating timing that these discussions kind of align. i don't believe AI is inherently "evil" (and i don't like how most people talk about it like it's a boogeyman) because ultimately it is supposed to be a tool and it depends on those who program it and wield it. but i firmly believe that AI is not meant to replace humans, because it just can't. it's meant to augment our lives for improvement but never completely replace anyone. AI art in particular can almost be related to frieren directly: AI art is generated through an algorithm. yes, AI follow decision-making algorithms and that's how it learns and comes up with outputs. but ultimately these decisions could never come close to the thought process a real human could have. an AI can mimic a pattern it sees from a certain artist, but it can never recreate the artistic vision that the original artist had that lead to that very specific decision. and people are inconsistent; it's only natural to us humans. the downfall of AI is that since it is decision-based, it has to follow a certain set of rules, and that in of itself already hinders it from ever coming close to humans. because humans are constantly changing, and people can react to an event they're re-experiencing differently than they did originally. i used to hate onions as a kid and now i love eating them. do you think demons have a concept of that in the universe of frieren?

[shiorihyugawrites]

The Legendary Black Cat | The Caged Hummingbird

Hi, my loves!

So this was supposed to be a central plot point in my main fic “The Legendary Black Cat” but I ended up abandoning it because I wanted to keep the focus on Selena and Levi. However, I already had this scene written out and I figured…why not just share it with you all!

Summary: After Salamander's death, Hummingbird—Aoi Fujisaki—finds herself captured by the scouts. Locked away in their custody, she expects nothing but cruelty and interrogation. However, she is met instead by the gentle, patient compassion of Commander Erwin Smith. His kindness begins to unravel her walls, awakening feelings she never thought herself capable of experiencing.

This is the story of how a ruthless assassin learned to love—and how an equally hardened commander learned to see beyond his enemy's scars.

The cell beneath the Scout Regiment headquarters was dark, damp, and unpleasantly cold. The walls were rough stone, carrying the scent of mold and neglect. A single torch flickered feebly on the opposite side of the iron bars, casting dim shadows around the small, cramped space.

Aoi Fujisaki, once known across Marley as the deadly assassin Hummingbird, sat silently in the corner. Her knees drawn tightly to her chest, her raven-black hair cascading messily around her delicate features. Though stripped of her lethal gear and forced into ragged clothes, she maintained a haunting elegance. Her almond-shaped eyes were as dark as ink, blank, and devoid of emotion as she stared at the wall, contemplating her capture and the fate that surely awaited her.

The distant echo of footsteps drew her out of her musings. Aoi lifted her head slightly, watching as a figure emerged from the shadows. Commander Erwin Smith stood in front of her cell, his towering presence both imposing and oddly comforting at once. His expression was unreadable, but there was a certain gentleness in his pale blue eyes.

"Aoi," Erwin spoke, his voice calm and steady, resonating through the quiet chamber. "I wanted to check on you."

She regarded him silently, suspicion and uncertainty flickering in her usually expressionless eyes. "I have nothing to tell you," she replied coldly, though her voice lacked true venom.

Erwin smiled faintly, approaching the bars slowly, as though careful not to startle her. "That's not why I'm here. You've been down here alone for a long time. I thought perhaps you'd appreciate some company, maybe even a conversation."

Aoi narrowed her eyes slightly, confusion briefly flickering across her stoic face. "Why would you waste your time?" Her voice was softer this time, almost curious beneath the sharp edges.

"Because," Erwin said gently, lowering himself to sit on the floor, unbothered by the dirt and dust, "I see more in you than the deadly assassin Marley made you into. Selena was once where you are now. If given the chance, people can change. They can choose their own paths."

Aoi shifted uneasily. She had never encountered this sort of compassion, not even in the training camps of Marley. There, weakness meant death, and kindness was nonexistent. "You are naive, Commander," she muttered bitterly. "Not everyone deserves your compassion, least of all someone who would slit your throat without hesitation."

"I don't believe that's who you truly are," Erwin replied calmly, leaning closer to the bars. "I see someone who has been forced into cruelty, molded by circumstances. But I also see strength, resilience—and even vulnerability."

She scoffed softly, refusing to meet his gaze. "You know nothing about me."

Erwin tilted his head slightly, curiosity evident in his blue eyes. "Then tell me. Who is Aoi Fujisaki? The woman behind the name 'Hummingbird'? Behind the reputation? I'm listening."

Aoi hesitated, surprised by his genuine interest. She had always been a tool, a weapon, never asked about her true self. For the first time, someone was truly asking—someone genuinely wanted to know. Slowly, cautiously, she lifted her gaze and studied Erwin, searching for deception or cruelty. She found none.

Her voice was quiet, almost a whisper as she finally spoke. "I was taken from Hizuru as a child. Kidnapped and forced into Marley's assassination program. I never had a choice. Fighting, killing—it's all I know."

Erwin nodded solemnly, listening intently without interrupting. His eyes, however, encouraged her to continue.

"Salamander—Kwasi—he was ruthless and cruel. Even Selena suffered greatly under him. But we were all alike—broken children forced to survive." Her voice trembled slightly as she spoke, something deeply hidden inside her finally breaking free.

"I'm sorry," Erwin said softly, the sincerity evident in every word. "No one deserves that. Your past doesn't have to define who you are now."

Aoi scoffed bitterly, though tears threatened the corners of her eyes. She angrily blinked them away. "And what choice do I have? I'm your prisoner. You'll execute me eventually."

Erwin's eyes softened further, and his voice remained gentle, firm yet reassuring. "I have no intention of executing you. Selena found redemption, purpose, and meaning with us. You can too. You don't have to live as Marley's puppet anymore."

Aoi stared at him, stunned into silence. Never had she imagined hearing such words directed at her—words of hope, redemption, and kindness. Her heart thudded painfully in her chest, unfamiliar emotions swelling, threatening to overwhelm her carefully constructed walls.

"And you would trust me? Just like that?" she whispered, vulnerability creeping into her voice.

Erwin gave a soft, genuine smile. "Trust is earned, yes, but so is forgiveness. No one is beyond redemption, Aoi."

Her breath hitched slightly at the way he spoke her name—no hostility, no fear, just genuine compassion. She blinked rapidly, fighting the sudden tears threatening to fall. "I... I don't know how to be anything but this."

Erwin reached through the bars cautiously, gently placing a comforting hand atop hers, warm and steady. "Then let me help you learn. You don't have to do it alone."

Aoi stiffened at the unexpected touch, instincts screaming to pull away. Yet, somehow, his warmth and sincerity melted through her icy exterior. Slowly, her tense shoulders relaxed, and her hand trembled beneath his gentle touch. The tears finally fell, silent and warm down her pale cheeks.

"You don't even know me," she whispered softly, voice broken.

"Maybe not entirely," Erwin admitted softly, never pulling away. "But I know enough. I know you're tired of the life Marley forced upon you. I know you're brave enough to have survived this far. And I know you deserve a second chance."

Aoi finally allowed herself to break, silent tears turning into quiet sobs as years of suppressed pain and loneliness poured out. Erwin stayed there patiently, offering quiet strength and comfort. Eventually, her sobs quieted, and her breathing steadied.

She finally lifted her head, her tear-streaked face illuminated by the torchlight. For the first time, her eyes weren't guarded or cold; they were filled with cautious hope. "Why are you doing this?" she asked softly, searching his face intently.

"Because I see potential in you," Erwin replied firmly, sincerity evident. "Because everyone deserves a chance at redemption. And because you aren't alone anymore."

Aoi felt something within her shift profoundly—a fragile yet potent spark of hope. Hesitantly, she squeezed his hand gently, the gesture small but incredibly meaningful. "Then...maybe I'll try," she whispered softly, voice filled with fragile resolve.

Erwin smiled warmly, eyes bright with pride and encouragement. "That's all I could ever ask of you." In that quiet, vulnerable moment beneath the Scout headquarters, two hearts connected in unexpected understanding, compassion blossoming into something deeper, something neither expected. Aoi Fujisaki, the feared assassin known as Hummingbird, began to truly believe, for the first time, that redemption—and perhaps even love—was possible.

~

Masterlist | Patreon

[tohwitchesduels]

FIRST ROUND OF WITCHES DUELS - Battle 8: Bria vs Matt Tholomule

Disclaimer: This is not a popularity contest or which character you prefer, in this tournament, you decide who is stronger/better/smarter/etc. opponent.

Information for both opponents under the cut to those who don't know what they can do in their battle:

Bria:

Bria specializes in construction magic without any signs of being interested in other tracks, especially considering she considers them "inferior".

Bria has been always looking down and bullying Matt Tholomule back in Glandus. She's not going to take him seriously during this fight but it doesn't mean she will make it easy for him, especially since he dared to learn pathetic illusion spells in her eyes.

Bria is an absolutely skilled witch who prefers brute strength and talent over anything. She isn't however easy to fool or intimidate. She's daring and adventurous along with being ambitious. She can also be two-faced and deceitful by appearing nice and fair only to drop the facade the moment she has high ground or no interest in playing nice. She may however struggle from PTSD caused by Gus, so while she's not easy to intimidate, she could potentially end up being triggered by events considered "supernatural" or near Gus, or if she feels like losing her powers.

Bria is not known to possess any palisman so anyone facing her would also not be allowed to wield a palisman to even the score.

Bria's tool in this tournament, independent of whether or not other competitors also possess it is her sword. She can utilise it in combat or to cut through things standing in her way like bushes.

Bria may or may not have galder stones with her to enhance her magic.

Rock Spike - Bria is capable of creating a rock spike that can be used for offensive purposes. It is also proven to be quite destructive as seen in TTLGR.

Rock Pillar - Bria is capable of creating rock pillars of various lengths and sizes. She's also capable of creating pillars within the pillars she created. Said ability could be used if Bria needs a high ground, for defensive purposes to block attacks, potential transport, or even offensive purposes.

Earth Capture - Bria is capable of encasing her opponents on Earth as she demonstrated in TTLGR when she restrained a Slitherbeast. The move could be considered a finishing blow unless Bria's opponent has enough brute force (and by that, I mean a lot, stronger than Slitherbeast) to burst through her trap. She would usually utilise said ability if she assumes her opponent can't fight back, however.

Link to more of Bria's capabilities here

Matt Tholomule:

Mattholomule specializes mainly in construction and illusion magic.

Matt is known to be quite underestimated by those around him, but he does possess the skill, even if gloats to be able to bite more than he can chew. Matt is however pretty smart when it comes to the usage of his powers, even if he doesn't use them too offensively. He can however be pretty hopeless at times, being taken out easily if his opponents prove to be more formidable than him. He does lack drive and fighting spirit if he does not have confidence in his abilities.

Matt wants to prove himself and defeat Bria in this tournament, but he sure as hell is intimidated by the concept of having to duel with her.

Matt does not possess any known palisman, nor showcased any on the screen. Because of this anyone fighting him would also not be allowed to wield a palisman

Size alteration - Matt is capable of altering the size of any of his body parts. This displayed first during Covention with his head.

Construction Tool - Matt is capable of creating tools made out of earthen materials as displayed TTLGR when he created a key/blade to cut Gus free. This ability during battle can manifest as Matt is capable of creating any kind of tool or weapon to help him during the battle.

Geokinesis - Implied in TTLGR that Matt can telekinetically move earthen materials as displayed when he helped clean the graveyard by moving the broken parts of the statues placing them back and making them stick together. During the battle, Matt would be capable of throwing rubble at his opponents.

Rock Wall - as displayed in LR, Matt is capable of creating walls to block attacks. The walls are thin so can be broken through enough force, but Matt displayed pretty great reflexes with those walls and they are still fairly durable.

Rock Dummy - as displayed in FTF, Matt is capable of creating a rock dummy of himself to appear wherever he feels like it.

Camouflage - Displayed in its full glory in FTF where Matt made Amity completely disappear. During the battle, Matt can turn himself invisible temporarily.

Smokescreen - Matt is capable of releasing a smokescreen that can disorient his opponents.

Link to more of Matt Tholomule's capabilities here

Return to the Masterpost.

[oneiricfallacy]

Touya's Pokémon - Main team

#499 - Pignite ♂ Name: Agni Type: Fire/Fighting Ability: Thick Fat

Original Trainer: Professor Juniper Met on Nuvema Town at level 5.

Serious nature. Often lost in thought. No food preferences.

Held item: Iron Ball

Preferred moves: Heat Crash - The user slams into the target with its flame-covered body. The more the user outweighs the target, the greater the move's power.  Hammer Arm - The user swings its strong, heavy fist at the target to inflict damage. This also lowers the user's Speed stat.  Scald - The user attacks by shooting boiling hot water at the target. This may also leave the target with a burn.  Sucker Punch - This move enables the user to attack first. This move fails if the target is not readying an attack. 

Touya’s first Pokémon, given to him by Professor Juniper when he started his journey, and his most loyal ally from that day onwards. In contrast to his trainer’s more cautious personality, Agni is a bold Pokémon that likes to confront problems head-on and doesn’t shy away from confrontation, so they make a balanced duo that complement each other’s strengths and weaknesses. He likes to train and improve his strength, so he has a certain interest in weightlifting tools, and also likes to eat for comfort without being particularly picky about food, so he’s the kind of Pokémon that’s very easy to please once you get to know him.

As Touya’s ace Pokémon, Agni embodies the main strategy of the team and focuses on hitting hard as quickly as possible so that the opponent gets overwhelmed before they even have a chance to react. Despite being unevolved, he’s no less strong than an Emboar and can even use his smaller size to his advantage for higher maneuverability. One of his favorite tactics is to encase himself in fire and then roll across the battlefield at incredible speeds, scorching the terrain on his path, and he’s also known to shoot blasts of hot water not only offensively but also defensively to obscure his presence with steam.

Agni’s name is taken from a deity of a distant region associated with fire, but Touya actually learned that name from a video game. He’s the kind of person that spends a lot of time studying about mythological beings represented in pop culture. Incidentally, Agni's unevolved because Touya thinks he's already perfect.

#528 - Swoobat ♀ Name: Alice Type: Psychic/Flying Ability: Unaware

Original Trainer: Touya Met on Wellspring Cave at level 12.

Bashful nature. Sturdy body. No food preferences.

Held item: Psychic Gem

Preferred moves: Air Slash - The user attacks with a blade of air that slices even the sky. This may also make the target flinch.  Psychic Fangs - The user attacks by biting the target with its psychic capabilities. This move can also break barriers, such as Light Screen and Reflect.  Charge Beam - The user attacks the target with an electric charge. The residual electricity may also boost the user's Sp. Atk stat.  Ally Switch - The user teleports using a strange power and switches places with one of its allies. 

Alice was caught in Wellspring Cave during one of Touya’s earliest confrontations with Team Plasma, as he needed the extra help and she wanted to fend off the strange people interfering with her territory. They turned out to have very similar temperaments, being more shy and reserved around strangers but quickly opening up and becoming very talkative around people that they feel familiar with, and because of that she spends a lot of time out of her Pokéball as she makes Touya feel more at ease when he’s stressed. Among the members of his team, she’s easily the most popular.

Unlike the rest of the team, her strengths don’t necessarily lie in raw, overwhelming power, and she instead acts more like a tactician and stealth expert, gliding with ease past her enemies’ line of sight and striking with sharp precision using powerful winds and psychic blasts as well as wing strikes and bites if she has to get up close and personal. Being capable of telepathy and echolocation, she’s particularly reliable as a tracker, being able to detect hidden enemies from impressive distances, and her ability to teleport also makes her very useful when Touya needs to make a quick escape.

Her name’s taken from the iconic children’s literature character, as Touya thought that the association with psychic abilities and magic made a lot of sense. She doesn’t actually have a lot in common with the story other than that, though.

#530 - Excadrill ♂ Name: Ryan Type: Ground/Steel Ability: Sand Rush

Original Trainer: Touya Met on Wellspring Cave at level 12.

Adamant nature. Somewhat vain. Likes spicy food. Dislikes dry food.

Held item: Rocky Helmet

Preferred moves: Drill Run - The user crashes into the target while rotating its body like a drill. This move has a heightened chance of landing a critical hit.  Rock Slide - Large boulders are hurled at opposing Pokémon to inflict damage. This may also make the opposing Pokémon flinch.  Submission - The user grabs the target and recklessly dives for the ground. This also damages the user a little.  Metal Claw - The target is raked with steel claws. This may also boost the user's Attack stat. 

Ryan was caught in Wellspring Cave shortly after Touya’s confrontation with Team Plasma, as he explored the area to search for rare gems. He’s a very confrontational Pokémon with a bit of an attitude problem, so his teammates often have to keep an eye on him so that he doesn’t instigate unnecessary rights, but when he’s with people that he trusts he turns out to be surprisingly easy to fluster, quickly turning shy and reclusive when he’s offered gifts or acts of kindness. Because of that, Touya likes to dote on him and the other Pokémon on his team like to make fun of him every once in a while.

In battle, he differs slightly from the majority of his teammates in that he focuses less on overwhelming attacks encompassing large areas and instead prefers finding a weak point to pierce through, relying on his sharp claws and quick burrowing speed to close the distance and mow his opponents down with repeated slashes as well as blitzing through the battlefield to slam into opponents by spinning his body like a drill. He’s perfectly capable of employing Touya’s usual tactic of attacking the entire battlefield at once, however, by triggering earthquakes and summoning rock slides or sandstorms, and he even learned some wrestling moves from Drayden.

His name’s based off a character from a now-discontinued game that Touya used to play when he was little. Touya won’t admit it, though, because he thinks it’s a little embarrassing.

#537 - Seismitoad ♂ Name: Charlie Type: Water/Ground Ability: Poison Touch

Original Trainer: Touya Met on Pinwheel Forest at level 14.

Quirky nature. Strong willed. No food preferences.

Held item: Leftovers

Preferred moves: Muddy Water - The user attacks by shooting muddy water at opposing Pokémon. This may also lower their accuracy.  Bounce - The user bounces up high on the first turn, then drops onto the target on the next turn. This may also leave the target with paralysis.  Earth Power - The user makes the ground under the target erupt with power. This may also lower the target's Sp. Def stat.  Venoshock - The user drenches the target in a special poisonous liquid to inflict damage. This move’s power is doubled if the target has a status condition. 

Charlie is a Pokémon that Touya caught while training for his second gym battle in the outskirts of Pinwheel Forest. At first, Touya didn’t actually want to add him to the team, thinking that he looks a little weird, but over time he warped up to Charlie and now they’re practically inseparable due to their shared quirk of being quiet and liking to stay away from the center of attention. He’s very quiet, so people usually assume that he’s a loner, but he’s actually always watching and lurking in the background because he really likes to gossip. His teammates know him as someone with a mean sense of humor that’s nonetheless fun to be around.

He’s the strongest Pokémon on Touya’s team for aquatic battles, not only having an incredible amount of endurance that allows him to travel through water for hours without getting tired but also having the ability to use sound waves to adjust his speed and momentum while swimming. His ability to generate vibrations also makes his punches particularly painful and allows him to cause earthquakes as well as launch himself into the air by focusing his sound waves on the ground. He also has the ability to secrete poison, so in close-range battles he likes to use grappling maneuvers because even one touch can decide the course of the battle.

He’s named after an iconic children’s book that Touya particularly enjoys because of its horror themes. At the time, he had a certain scene involving flowing water stuck in his mind.

#584 - Vanilluxe ♀ Name: Bianca Jr. Type: Ice Ability: Snow Warning

Original Trainer: Touya Met on Cold Storage at level 21.

Hasty nature. Likes to run. Likes sweet food. Dislikes sour food.

Held item: Whipped Dream

Preferred moves: Blizzard - A howling blizzard is summoned to strike opposing Pokémon. This may also leave the opposing Pokémon frozen.  Water Pulse - The user attacks the target with a pulsing blast of water. This may also confuse the target.  Aurora Veil - This move reduces damage from physical and special moves for five turns. This can be used only when it is snowing.  Mirror Shot - The user lets loose a flash of energy at the target from its polished body. This may also lower the target's accuracy. 

Bianca Jr., usually just referred to as Bianca, was caught by Touya on the outskirts of Driftveil after he heard rumors about a living pile of snow lurking around the area and decided to investigate. She’s a very energetic and cheerful Pokémon with the kind of personality that fills up a room instantly, which makes her a bit of a divisive character as some consider her to be charismatic while others consider her to be overbearing, and it may be because she has two heads to talk with. Either way, she’s very self-assured and likes to encourage her teammates during battles while also giving it her all when it’s her time for action. She can change the colors of her snow cloak by using food pigments.

In battle, when she hits the field it’s only a matter of seconds until the entire surrounding area is buried in snow from her all-out offensive strategy. Not only does she have the ability to change the weather and create snow storms at will, but also her favorite attack is to unleash blasts of chilled wind that freeze everything in range and blow opponents away before they can get close to her. That’s not her only trick, however, as she can also chill the water in the atmosphere just enough to summon rain and fire blasts of water to disrupt any opponent that thinks they can exploit her weaknesses. Also, she can scream really loud.

Her name is, of course, derived from Touya’s childhood friend named Bianca, as he thought that the two have very similar temperaments. It does get a little confusing sometimes.

#612 - Haxorus ♂ Name: David Type: Dragon Ability: Mold Breaker

Original Trainer: Touya Met on Mistralton Cave at level 30.

Quiet nature. Often dozes off. Likes dry food. Dislikes sweet food.

Held item: Leppa Berry

Preferred moves: Dragon Dance - The user vigorously performs a mystic, powerful dance that raises its Attack and Speed stats.  Iron Head - The user slams the target with its steel-hard head. This may also make the target flinch.  Earthquake - The user sets off an earthquake that strikes every Pokémon around it.  Dragon Claw - The user slashes the target with huge, sharp claws. This move has a heightened chance of landing a critical hit. 

Touya met David for the first time while investigating the rumors of a legendary Pokémon hiding in Mistralton Cave, and he was quick to add the Dragon-type to his team as he thought David was quite simply adorable. As an Axew, he was quite timid and usually considered the baby of the bunch that his teammates had to watch over, but now that he’s grown his quiet behavior has turned into a sense of casual confidence that makes him act as a beacon of calmness among his more headstrong teammates. He’s a bit of a glutton, so Touya finds it very easy to reward him after battles with fruit snacks.

Contrasting his usual relaxed nature, as a fighter David’s known to be relentlessly aggressive and near-impossible to slow down, charging through the battlefield and making the earth shake with each step. His sharp tusks are his greatest weapon, which he uses not just to strike foes directly but also to cut down objects standing in his way so that he can use them as improvised weapons, but his claws and tail are just as deadly in combat, and if he can’t overwhelm enemies with pure physical force, he can switch tactics and tap into a dragon’s inherent attunement with nature to summon deluges and localized meteor showers. In general, when David enters the battlefield Touya’s expecting to end the battle quickly.

His name’s derived from a very popular DJ that Touya’s not necessarily a big fan of, but had been listening to at the time. Apparently, as an Axew, David just looked like a David.

[ulfdis-voludottir]

The amazing Catch 22 of going off antipsychotics is that, if you've been on them long enough, when you go off of them they will almost certainly increase your psychotic symptoms for at least a while. Your brain adapts to function with less dopamine, serotonin, et c. over time and so when you go off antipsychotics and your brain has more of those, it can have a bigger effect and thus you experience more symptoms.

Psychiatrists should and most often do know this, but they'll pretend like it isn't a thing that happens. If you go off your meds and you start acting a little weird, that's not a sign that a known thing that usually happens is happening, no, you're relapsing and you're a danger to yourself and others and you better start taking your meds again (the ones that made you feel awful and dampen your thinking and in my case are causing my eyesight to physically deteriorate) or "I'll have no choice but to send you to hospital".

The fact of the matter is that psychiatrists are never going to let you go off antipsychotics if you wait for their permission. When you first go on them you'll be told that if you're "stable enough" eventually you can go off them, but then once you're on them suddenly you need to be on them forever because "we" can't risk you having another episode.

The fundamental problem is that psychiatry fundamentally does not care about helping people live better lives, it cares about stopping people being a problem. It's a tool to enforce conformity, and oh boy do antipsychotics enforce conformity.

Of course antipsychotics are very helpful for some people. Even for me there was a time in my life where I genuinely needed them. I felt an enormous sense of relief when I first went on antipsychotics. Sure I felt like shit physically, I was tired all the bloody time and I struggled to do a lot of things (because antipsychotics only really treat positive symptoms), but being able to just go outside, see other people, exist again, without constantly being terrified of everything and everyone was really very nice. The problem comes when you're denied to ability to ever stop taking them.

Through a combination of changing psychiatrists repeatedly and basically bullying them (which btw I'm convinced I was only able to get away with because I live 150km from the nearest psychiatric centre and there are literally no police in my village, both of which make it harder to threaten me with hospitalisation) I was eventually able to get down to a pretty low dose of antipsychotics. I'm talking doses that really should not have been effective for treating psychotic symptoms. I went from 5mg/day of risperidone to 50mg/day of quetiapine (I know that seems like an increase but the two have very different dosage ranges), literally 1/6th of the recommended dose for treating psychotic symptoms. Yes, my symptoms increased — I hallucinate more frequently and I sometimes get stuck in those weird pseudodelusional thought loops again — but so did my quality of life. I learned pretty quickly to manage things on my own and I was doing significantly better in almost every major area of life.

I didn't tell my psychiatrist about the increase in symptoms (because frankly they don't bother me much and I know that's all she would see), only about the positive changes. She knows lowering my dosage made me do better in almost every way, and yet she is constantly trying to up it again. And don't even think about going off of them, I've been trying to get her permission for that for months and she's made it very clear that it's not happening. I dropped the subject when she said the word "noncompliance" (for those of you not in the know, this is a code word for "do what I tell you or I'm locking you up").

So I went off without her permission. I just stopped asking and did it. And you know what? I'm very glad I did. I hallucinate more, sure, but I'm also happier and more capable than I've been in a long time. I still keep a bottle of antipsychotics in case things go south, but if I can manage it I'm never going to open it again.

Am I going to tell my psychiatrist this? Absolutely the fuck not. Why? Because, again, at every point, with every psychiatrist I've ever interacted with, they have made it abundantly clear that they don't care what helps me. What they care about is that I'm obedient. That I'm what they define as "normal" (or as normal as a crazy like me can be), which is to say, in the background, not causing any trouble, not requiring to be treated like a human being. So no, I'm not getting your permission to stay off my medication.

Everyone else gets "informed consent" in their healthcare, why don't I? When I go on a pretty harmless medication for a physical condition, I'm given a massive list of potential side effects that occurred in like 0.01% of the tested population and given 50 different opportunities to change my mind, when I go on antipsychotics, I don't get to find out that they pretty commonly cause vision loss until a year later when I'm freaking out because in that same time I've gone from having better than average vision to not being able to make out someone's face from 3 metres away.

They don't want to help you. The fact they sometimes do is just a happy little accident.

[chaosmagetwin]

Tanya, my OC from ff14 and thoughts

Some spoilers ahead for each of the expansions, up through Endwalker.

Original Tanya (name unknown) was a Viera conjurer Adventurer from Gridania during the Battle of Carteneau. She witnessed the fall of Dalamud directly, and saw the original Warrior of Light (though she forgot them, as everyone else did, except for the ring of light). She was within the main host of the Grand Eorzean Alliance Army. Unfortunately, OT did not survive the fall of Dalamud. Her body, among others, was recovered by a surviving squad of the Lambs of Dalamud, but they were unaware that the fight was over. At this point, Tanya was summoned into the corpse of the Viera, and given life. 

Whether the voidsent was inexperienced, weak, incapable, or whether the Viera's latent White Mage power briefly awakened is unclear, the Viera's soul and the voidsent merged into one creature, completely new, with the memories of neither. The body also mutated, gaining the black horns of an Archdemon, and marred black hands that looked as if they had been stained by tar. Tanya, as she would come to call herself (unaware of the proper naming conventions of Viera), was used by the Lambs of Dalamud as a proficient fighter and, after some time, thaumaturge. She was taught that she was a weapon, a creation intended for nothing more than violence.

During this time period, she murdered, stole, and made sacrifices to a god she didn't know or appreciate. However, due to being a creation (however flawed) of the Lambs, she was often given work that others didn't want to do... including taking care of sacrifices until the time of their execution. No one sacrifice changed her mind, but the combination of several made her question what she knew. Despite this, she didn't leave the Lambs of Dalamud until nearly 4 years later. She spent the final year before "A Realm Reborn", learning how people really lived within Eorzea, more or less wandering; at times she killed to protect herself, at other times because she felt drawn to it, like there was a hunger. She ended up in Ul'dah, after learning how to glam her horns and hands (at least temporarily) and became an adventurer professionally, seeking to use it as a way to learn more about the world, and continue exploring without being questioned for her reasons. It was also a way for her to continue what she see's as her purpose; violence. At this time, she yearns to be useful, to put her skills to use for society.

As the story progresses, Tanya learns a few things about herself - being what she is, she is impossible to temper. Her internal aether is weak(it grows over time), but she does have access to drawing in aether from her surroundings passively and actively; one of the active ways in which she can draw in aether is vampiric. Unlike Minfilia and Krile, she does *not* have the echo. During ARR, she has Thaumaturge and Black mage powers. She is found by the Scions, and their access to the Echo allows them to find out what exactly she is. Rather than destroy her, they decide to put her to use, believing her to be a good weapon, at least until they find someone with an Echo who can fight as well as she can.

The scions, for their part, are not necessarily fond of Tanya; she's rather frightening, often inhuman in her mannerisms, with questionable morals and ethics. They wanted a tool, someone who could fight the primals that were draining the land. There was some concern that she'd simply become a replacement for the primals. Ultimately, she's capable of communication, and can't temper people so she seems like the better option. Near the end of ARR, their opinions have changed only a little, especially for Thancred, after Thancred's return after possession. Tanya, during this period, is simply happy to travel and be of use. She learns a little about what she is during The Crystal Tower series, and especially within the World of Darkness, where she feels the most comfortable existing. Some of the creatures within even seem to recognize her among the adventuring group. Hydaelyn never interacts with Tanya during ARR; the crystals still fall to the ground, and Tanya picks them up, but there are no visions, no information gained from them.

The end of ARR sees Tanya fall deeply in love (platonically, not romantically) with the scions, becoming fiercely protective of them all after the banquet, and nearly openly hostile to outsiders; some would call her a chained rabid dog. The scions do not return her love in any regard, though they continue to pretend she is one of them, especially with her. The journey of Heavensward tests Tanya's patience with the local religion, forcing her to stay as glamoured as possible throughout. During this time period, she impresses the ghost of Midgardsormr, and after a short test, gains an echo for the first time. She also becomes a Dark Knight, allowing her abundance of dark aether to thrive. Tanya is at her lowest point during this expansion; despite having a small cadre of people she trusts, she can feel that trust is not extended to her; no one has told her what she is, but Y'Shtola knows, and has told the others. She connected deeply with both Ysayle and Estinien, even developing a crush on Ysayle before her untimely demise. However, neither learned the truth of her existence at this point. She also interacts with The Void Ark, Mhach, and Dun Scaith. It is at this point that Tanya, as part of a group of raiders, accidentally becomes much more powerful after absorbing a portion of the Nullstone's power, simultaneously revealing what she is and empowering her. It is also revealed that the nullstone could remove the voidsent portion of her soul, but that doing so would destroy who she is currently. She is uncertain of what to do, afraid of death and can’t make a decision. Instead, she puts it off for later, squirreling the nullstone away, telling no one about it.

At the start of Stormblood Tanya’s class is that of Astrologian. Physically, and magically, Tanya is at her most powerful, utilizing the nullstone's strength, and often draining aether from the world around her at alarming rates; she uses it the most during fights with primals, where she can blame it on them, though the scions know the truth.. However, mentally, Tanya is doing quite poorly; Haurchefant’s and Ysayle’s deaths impacted her deeply, and she greatly feared losing any scions. She refused any and all help. This backfired with Zenos, as she nearly died when she prevented anyone else from facing him; she couldn't drain the land's aether without someone to blame it on. Most of stormblood continues as normal, with the added caveat that Tanya slowly learns to let the scions do their work again, despite her stress. Tanya’s relationship with the scions at this point is one of begrudging trust. She's sacrificed too much to merely be a tool, too much to merely be their weapon, and the truth of what she is has been revealed and, ultimately, accepted. Tanya still dearly loves each of the scions, as they have finally accepted her for who and what she is, even if she is still somewhat strange and inhuman at times. Unfortunately, her worst fears come true as the scion’s souls are whisked away to The First. Her relationship with herself, however, is strained. She feels that she is a monster, a horrible creature that has stolen a body never meant for her.

It is fortunate that Tanya is physically transported to The First, as it’s unclear what would happen if only her soul had been sent. During Shadowbringers, Tanya finds that absorbing the Lightwarden’s power is easy for her, due to her aether vampirism, but containing it appears to be incredibly difficult. She is at her weakest during this story, forced to rely on the scions to handle any combat task. Unwilling to be a simple passenger, Tanya picks up the White Mage class for the rest of Shadowbringers, stating that if she can’t fight or foretell the future, then she can at least heal their injuries directly, if somewhat weakly. It is during this period that she loses the power to glam herself at all, and she is forced to allow others to view her as she really is. Fortunately, voidsent seem rare among the first, and none associate her with the sin eaters, so it was questionable if it was necessary to begin with. Between the final lightwarden and the final fight with Hades, Tanya barely manages to hold herself together, and still bears the scars of it today; white and gold streaks and horizontal striped scars that cross her entire body, as though she were being pulled apart by a great force. She manages to survive, however, and is able to purge herself of the light. The end of Shadowbringers, after she finishes recuperating, is one that sees her still weak - the light corruption had weakened the power she had received from the nullstone, and there wasn’t much aether for her to absorb from her surroundings. 

She helps Ryne with the Eden project, and finds herself feeling connecting with and understanding Gaia to some extent. However, the most disturbing part of the entire series was certainly fighting the reborn Cloud of Darkness; a creation, such as herself, who's only purpose, instead of violence, is to die.

During this time, it is discovered that those with tempered souls can be cured with no negative effects. With effort, she returns everyone, including G’raha Tia, to The Source. After this, Fourchenault Leveilleur disowns Alisaie and Alphinaud, and she appropriately curses the man out of the meeting, angry that a parent would ever give up their child for any reason. She vows to never forgive someone who would give up their family, and offers (fruitlessly) to adopt the twins.

Before Endwalker begins, Tanya is healing in nearly all ways; her scars ache, she feels aetherically starved, and her emotional state is distraught. The scions, however, have finally fallen in (in various levels of platonic and romantic) love with the creature. They are interested in helping her to recover, to heal, to get the therapy she needs.

During Endwalker, Tanya becomes a Dancer, and, for the first time in The Source, allows herself to exist without glamours. She receives no small amount of fear, but fortunately, her efforts as The Warrior of Light and the support of the scions protected her from most backlash. During this time period, Tanya is at her most stable, emotionally speaking. Physically, she is capable, but no longer as strong as she had been during Stormblood. This is all relatively good, as it allows her to survive The Final Days without becoming a Blasphemy, something that would have previously been impossible for her, during any point of her life. For her, the most important time of Endwalker was during Elpis, and being able to interact with the Ancients of the unsundered world; she developed a strong crush on Venat, Elidibus, and Hythlodaeus. She found them to be relatable in ways that others often weren’t, and connected on an emotional level to Hermes and Meteion, Though she didn’t agree with their choices, she understood how they reached those conclusions. Ultima Thule just about broke her as she lost her friends, one at a time. The only thing that drove her on at the end was the hope that Meteion could be persuaded to use Dynamis to return her friends. Or, failing that, revenge. 

Zenos is of particular note, in all points he appears in. Few understood Tanya on such a visceral level as Zenos did; he understood her to her core, from the moment he met her. It is not unfair to say that he was a mirror, and the only difference between the two of them was the support of allies. When Zenos called Tanya a friend, she earnestly accepted, and agreed. In a way, she felt that they completed one another. She deeply loved Zenos. She deeply hated Zenos. She wanted to kill him. She wanted to be killed by him. By the time she fought Meteion, she was ravenous for the fight to come. Their fight was one of devouring; of all-consuming love and hate. Tanya is incapable of describing their fight in anything but in terms of erotic cannibalism, of pleasure, and fullness, and pain. In many ways, she feels empty now that he is gone, and she is alone. She fears that she may never find another like him.

Exploring the 13th, AKA the Void, has been a strange and sad feeling for her. In some ways, there is a feeling of belonging. In others, she feels alien. And, finally, she meets Zero, who I did NOT know about when I first wrote all of this up, back at the start of Endwalker, before any patches came out. Zero is a mirror to her in so many ways; a mirror of what she could have been, if she'd been in the 13th instead. The transactional nature of all relationships. Where Tanya clings and clutches at allies, of feeling useful and needed, Zero has pushed away and isolated herself. Where Tanya has thrown herself under the bus for the slightest praise, Zero holds herself aloof to it. What Zero see's in Tanya, besides kinship with a voidsent who is at some sort of halfway point like herself, is unclear.

[peddlestox-shinyrocks]

A New Perspective

would you believe me if I told you this was fourish months in the making?

7.1 spoilers ahead

A knock at her cabin door was not quite an uncommon occurance. After all, Thorne is more than happy to include her into his adventures and from time to time he and Hadrefort come to say hello if they know she's in. However the sight she is greeted with upon opening was neither a orange lalafell nor a very tall elezen. She was orange and very tall though.

"You... are Peddlestox...? The uh... goblin friend of my brother's?" And Kwas blinks but nods, slightly surprised at not being called a mobbie for once.

The hrothgar woman seems relieved by that, perhaps even bolstered. Kwas didn't know that the Vow of Resolve could be so shy... But then the woman stands straighter and the gobbie girl could see why her title befitted her. "My brother and I recently went to see the hhetsarro, that is miqo'te, on the plains of Shaaloani and... he has not returned." Her brows furrow in worry. "I come to you, not because I am worried for Tulliyolal's safety, but for him as... we.. learned a few things that I fear may be troubling him."

Kwas nods, but is still confused. "What can Peddlestox do that Uplander not do shhkk?"

Wuk Lamat sighs and looks out towards the open area to her right. "Koana... he's always done his best to protect me. Ever since I was really little and scared and new to our home. Even now he'll keep his own thoughts and feelings from me if he thinks it would harm or hurt or... make me unhappy in some way." She huffs in that fond-annoyed way that Kwas has come to learn is a noise only siblings seem to have. "He won't tell me what is on his mind... but maybe he'll tell you," she says softly looking down at her.

Kwawasei is not... so sure about that. And even if he would for some reason only the Twelve could fathom, it isn't as if she could give the man advice. She doesn't even know what the problem is! But hrothgar, she's coming to find, have those same puppy looks miqo'te have, down to the ears and twitchy tail and for all that they intimidate her at times... its looking to be that she can't say no to them either. There's a long drawn out sigh from her that sounds very much like the filter is expelling air. "Peddlestox see what gobbiefell can do."

And no sooner had the words come out of her hidden mouth does Wuk Lamat pick her up and twirl her around in excitement that, one makes Kwas understand why Inxli hates being picked up, and two almost makes her faint in fright.

Leaving for Xak Tural was both simple and not. As usual, she'll saddle up Lapis and tell someone where she'll be and when to expect her back. What wasn't usual was the insistence on someone coming along with her as well. And in this case it meant not only were Thorne and Hadrefort coming (as one rarely went without the other) but so were Inxli and Reckless. Kwawasei would like to think it meant more people to spread out and look for the missing Vow and not because she needed all of them.

Lapis was more than enough after all, considering he was more than capable of getting help. But no one was listening to that point so she didn't bother fighting for it.

And indeed once they got to Mehwa... ...Plains Shortstop and spoke to Hhwato and his people they did (reluctantly) split up. While the last place anyone saw the Vow of Resolve was near the Train Longstop they agreed to search the whole of Shaaloani in earnest, which made Kwas head back towards the tribe of hhetsarro to the confusion of everyone else, but, she reasoned, "If gobsearch, looksee allstops." And that was that.

With Lapis in sight and tools on her belt, the followed the rather large lake around, finding that it eventually fed down into the canyon, before beginning the loop around and back to the tribe. And she could see why the man was hard to find. Because if it wasn't for Lapis alerting her to him, she'd have never seen the very green miqo'te against the shrubs and grasses as he sat by the lake since he traded out his coat for the more traditional and familiar poncho.

She isn't quiet in her approach, and she sees his ear flick in acknowledgement, but he doesn't turn to look at her and she sits down next to him. A quiet presence.

"...Lamaty'i sent you to find me." It wasn't a question but she nods all the same. It was true after all. He sighs and sits down next to her. "I... have my answers about my parents." She looks up at him as he stares out across the lake. "There was a tturuhhetso, a rroneek reaver, causing unrest in the near by plains. The hhetsarro who warned us of its coming also spoke of a similar incident years prior that... matches the time I was... left." There's a very long silence, long enough for her to notice he did not escape physically unscathed... and for her wonder if his parents may have dropped him in a panic. "...There was a young couple who were trying to evacuate the tribe... asking for their son to be taken amongst those who were fleeing."

Or worse it seems. "I should be... relieved, that after all this time I was not... unwanted and yet I still cannot help but think that they could have... Is it not... wrong of me, to think such?"

"Peddlestox no think so; Wawasei doesn't think so." And that... that got him to look at her. She was facing forwards though, perhaps locked into memories of old. "I don't hate my parents," she says quietly, almost a whisper, breaking the longstanding gobbiespeak she's had since he's known her. "They aren't bad people. They just made a decision I don't agree with.

"And there's no point in talking to them about it. I've tried. 'You are not of the working class Wawasei, you should not have hands like them.' 'You are a young lady of good standing. Your husband will provide for you.' But its not what I want." She huffs, and it comes through the mask with a harsh shhhk.

"I want to make things - toys, jewelry, music boxes - things that make people smile and cherish each other and their memories. I want to make things that will last long after it has been paid for to be passed down through the family as an heirloom of something important. ...And above all, I want my parents to be happy for me and my choice. But they aren't, they never will be, and I am not going to be something I'm not just to make them happy or because other people say so."

"Is not same," she continues, slipping back into gobspeech. And though its familiar... there's something... different about it now that he can't put his finger on. "And no knowing if Uplander be more happy. But Uplander's thinkfeels are Uplander's. Nowtime, sad at what changepast be. Fartime, happy that family want them and when... nextsee share it. Is not wrong to have manyfeels."

"Thank you," he says simply. And she finally looks back at him. The smile is troubled but genuine... not that it matters because-

She snatches the broken pair of glasses of his face and brings out her tools with only an indignant "hey!" for her troubles. It doesn't take her more than a few breaths to synthesize them good as new, handing them back once done.

Koana looks a bit flustered, but better, less.. broken isn't the word she wants to use... but the glasses being literally broken was not helping her word choice. The silence between them is not comfortable which is why, she supposes, when Lapis warks they both startle. "Peddlestox fix," she mutters petulantly. "Not mendgobbie but..." and she hopes he understands.

"I will be fine." And she hopes so. Another wark has them looking at the pink chocobo who's staring off at something in the distance. Kwas sees the elezen man first, tall as he is, along with the rest of her group as they walk towards the two of them. "She sent a search party?"

"Asked Peddlestox come find. Everygob else said Lapis not keepsafe and came with."

As the group got closer, Reckless said, "O' course she'd find 'im."

"Are both of you alright?" Thorne asked.

"We are fine." Kwas eyes him half tempted to poke him where she thought she saw a bruise.

"Those dark lashes day otherwise," says the elezen.

"Wha' 'appened?"

"There was a tturuhhetso."

"A what?"

Koana shakes his head. "It has been dealt with. Just... not without some consequences."

Inxli eyed him. "I don't want to know."

"Then if everyone is good we can start heading back!" And with little else to impede them, they did.

divider by @thecutestgrotto because this thing is so long, its going on AO3 i'm posting here because i want to use pictures and I don't trust AO3 (or my self) to do it properly also this is officially the start of #guns and goblins ...let the ship building begin

[dingoat]

For BEST GIRL: desire, future, ghost, hate, mask, nightmare, secret, skin, torture. 8)

FINALLY getting around to finishing this batch of asks from this very fun set of questions! And AS YOU KNOW the best girl has been through SOME THINGS. A LOT of things. >.>

desire: What’s one thing your OC wants more than anything in the world? Are they open with that desire? Why or why not? What would they do to fulfill it?

In a word: freedom. Ahuska is so so tired of having to hide, of being hunted, of being a danger to innocent people. She wants the freedom to live, and love, open and carefree and unburdened. She wants the control phrase conditioning out of her head. She wants to undo whatever it is that makes her tear Force Sensitives limb from limb. She wants to exist, openly, with rights, without a bounty on her wolf's pelt. She wants to stop hearing 'we can't, you can't, it's not safe for you'. And she is completely open with this, her driving force in life for some time now, and she will do almost anything to fulfil this desire. She might even fully embrace learning to use the Force, now that someone's put the idea into her head that it might be the one way she'll have to earn an unchallenged place in the galaxy.

future: What’s the worst possible future for your OC? Are they taking steps to avoid that outcome? Are they even aware it’s a possibility?

Probably to wind up back in a cage, broken and under external control, used as a tool to destroy everyone she loves. She's acutely aware of how real a possibility this is and is incredibly driven to avoid this outcome. (Five has no idea how lucky he is that some very good people are quite fond of him, or Ahuska might not have been able to resist the temptation to hunt him down and remove him from the equation, which would substantially reduce the risk of anyone using her control phrase against her.)

ghost: Who or what haunts your OC? What happened? How do they live with their ghosts?

The people she's killed, for sure, especially as more and more memories of her early werewolfy days as an Imperial tool become open to her. These ghosts, she lives with by reminding herself that she had no choice, she had no ability to consciously stop herself, and of course by doing everything she can to avoid winding up in that situation again. The nights she's slipped up despite finally knowing what she's capable are much harder for her to deal with.

She's also definitely haunted by the knowledge that her monstrous form was one of Blakk's nightmares, and possibly still is. She still hasn't found a way to properly deal with this yet, and might not until they can finally have an actual conversation again.

hate: What does your OC hate? Why? How do they act towards the object of their hatred?

Before she became close to Thirteen, it was very very easy to hate Five in a very pure and righteous way. For what he did to her, for the way he treated Blakk, for his casual cruelties and despicable, high-born Imperial attitudes. She still does not understand at all how anybody could ever be fond of such a person, but she's not actively targeting him for a future murder any more which is a pretty big deal.

mask: Does your OC wear a mask, literally or figuratively? What goes on beneath it? Is there anyone in their life who gets to see who they are under the mask?

Ahuska wears a lot of masks, largely as a matter of self preservation. A very common one is the 'I'm fine' mask that she's learned to wear around little stuck-as-a-fox Blakk, because it breaks her heart to see him feeling any sort of guilt about their situation. I think she and Thirteen are currently sharing a mask that's telling the world 'we're brilliant, actually, very put-together and also extremely sexy and talented', which is quite actively preventing them both from experiencing their own private catastrophic depressed meltdowns. It's a super healthy coping strategy that won't at all end in heartbreak. And of course, in her day to day, out in public life, there's the mask she wears to give the impression that she's a simple, unremarkable, absolutely-not-a-werewolf-or-fugitive little Bothan, just going about her day with no troubles or lofty aspirations. It's tiring, though, and being a hermit is far far easier.

The fact that she's currently quite intimately bonded to Thirteen means that he's actually the most likely to glimpse who she really is under all the masks; how broken and frightened she is. He's definitely been the only person so far to demonstrate a real understanding of who she is and what she wants in life, and the wild but intensely caring duality of her nature.

The Jedi on Tython who have been helping her are also committed to peeling back the protective layers she's built around herself and helping her discover and come to terms with the pieces she denies and ignores; they have seen more of her than most.

nightmare: What does your OC have nightmares about? How do they deal with their nightmares? Do they tell people, or keep it to themself?

Ahuska has nightmares about being caged. About suffocating walls closing in on her, about heavy chains wearing her down, about heavy boots resting on top of her head. She has nightmares about a seductive hand brushing along the length of her leg, luring her into the cell from which there's no escape. She keeps these nightmares very much to herself, and doesn't know what else to do but try and push them from her mind, bite back the tears, and desperately hope they won't return when she closes her eyes again.

secret: What’s one secret your OC never wants anyone to know about them?

I don't think she ever wants to let on just how tempted she is by the idea of just running away with Thirteen and never facing reality again. It's a fantasy, and she knows it, but gods if he were to actually suggest the idea out loud, she's not sure she could resist.

skin: How comfortable is your OC in their skin? Do they grapple with anything that lives inside them—a beast, a curse, a failure, a monster? How do they face the smallest, weakest, most horrible version of themself? Are they able to acknowledge it at all?

Ahuska has gone through the full range of emotions, from absolute loathing to complete adoration of her inner wolf. Ultimately she loves her wild self and lives for the day she can exist freely and openly in whatever shape she feels like wearing in the moment.

Knowing that the Force is something she's privy to and has the capacity to wield has taken a lot longer to come to terms with; after a long period of denial and disgust with herself, absolute anxiety and mistrust of learning, she finally reached a stage of cautious acceptance that was workable... and now, finds herself on the verge of embracing it in full.

The weakest and most miserable version of herself? When she was completely broken, had lost all faith in herself, and handed over complete control of her thoughts and actions to the worst person she'd ever met? Oh, it kills her to know that she can be brought so low, and to acknowledge it is to bring herself to tears. To shivering, shaking, ugly crying. She hasn't yet found a way to properly reconcile this part of her.

torture: Has your OC ever been tortured? Would your OC ever torture someone else?

Oh, yes. She was subject to some very nasty treatment at Five's hands. Frequent pain, starvation, denial of basic needs, basic comforts, any form of privacy or dignity... and, having suffered so, she has absolutely no desire to inflict the same on any other being. She is, deep down, committed to the idea of being a force for good in the galaxy- and not wanting to be anything like Five is a pretty solid motivation to steer her in that direction, as well.

[talkmagically]

Bickering

Six months after the defeat of Elgar'nan, Rook is sent back to the Ossuary to collect intel left behind. She really wishes she was sent solo.

I'm finally getting started on writing out my Illarook series, Rancor and Resentment. Just a little snapshot of a mission, but one that'll help set the stage for everything to come. This first story is pre-relationship.

Read on AO3! Or read below the cut.

Rook’s eye was starting to twitch in irritation as she walked down the path, trying to ignore the heavy sighs of the two men behind her. She never expected to come back to the Ossuary, but the Venatori were finally scarce in Antiva after she killed Elgar’nan six months ago. Viago wanted as much intel as possible - wanted an idea of what they were capable of doing - before they made another appearance. If she were in the mood to deal with Viago’s smugness, Rook would be willing to admit to his face she agreed with his reasoning. Unfortunately for Viago, she was not.

“I still don't know why I agreed to come with to sweep the Ossuary records,” Lucanis complained. Rook could barely hear Illario’s poorly concealed scoff over the sound of Lucanis groaning. Lucanis had not shut up since the three of them left the Diamond. She had expected Spite to start throwing a fit once they arrived at the Ossuary, but he was surprisingly well behaved at the moment. Rook was half tempted to ask Spite to take over just to finally get some silence. 

“You didn't. You insisted,” Rook reminded him in a flat tone. “We told you to stay back at the Diamond because it would be faster with just the two of us.”

“And leave you alone in a Venatori hideout with Illario?” Lucanis replied sarcastically.

“I'm right here,” Illario hissed through his teeth.

Rook inhaled sharply in an attempt to keep her temper in check. She had long since learned there was nothing she could say that would not escalate whatever argument the two Dellamortes were in. They claimed to be back on better terms now, but Rook couldn’t remember the last time she heard Lucanis and Illario hold an entire conversation that didn’t include any bickering. Viago’s way of ‘keeping an eye on Illario’ had been to pair him with Rook on contracts once he started assigning them to her again five months ago - she heavily suspected the month break was Teia’s influence - and Lucanis was horrible at keeping hands off. He participated in few missions due to his duties as First Talon, but that didn’t stop him from attending almost every single briefing and debriefing. And almost every single one ended with an argument between Lucanis and Illario. Usually over something petty.

“Yes. Viago had no reason to send more than two Crows. This first trip is meant to determine if it’s worth sending a whole team to pick the place clean,” Rook said, attempting to stay on topic without making it look like she was picking sides. “The plan is to hit the main lab, grab something that looks important, and head back.”

“It's a pity the place is empty. Would have been nice to break a few more of their necks,” Illario muttered. Rook briefly gave him an amused look over her shoulder. Their last contract had been to help the Shadow Dragons investigate a concerning rumor of Venatori in Vol Dorma, but the place was deserted by the time they got there. Illario had been frustrated over their missed opportunity ever since.

“You flipping back and forth on your opinions of the Venatori gives me whiplash, Illario,” Lucanis said.

“I've never liked them. They were a convenient tool. That's it.”

“Zara Renata definitely didn't come across as a tool.”

“Not this argument again…” Rook whispered to herself. Their argument over Zara Renata was an ongoing one that never actually ended. Lucanis and Illario would just pick up where they last left off the next time the opportunity presented itself.

“It's not my fault Caterina never trained you on espionage! Using fake attraction as a weapon is part of the job. Just ask Andarateia,” Illario snapped.

“Teia is not the one who worked with a Venatori,” Lucanis shot back.

“That is the point of tools. Using them to get work done,” Illario said, slowly enunciating every word.

“Then disposing them at the most convenient time to cover your ass, I take it?”

“Lucanis,” Illario deadpanned. “You're not the only one Zara filled with spite. She violated a contract. I made sure to collect my restitution.”

Relief flooded through Rook when the three of them finally arrived at the main lab. It gave her an excuse to hurry through the door and start looking through paperwork on the nearest table for anything that looked important. At this point, she didn’t care if they helped with searching if doing the job by herself meant she got some peace. But Illario was actually a competent contract partner, despite his reputation, and immediately followed her into the lab.

“What was Viago’s definition of ‘significant’, again?” Illario asked extra loudly from the table he started searching, making it clear to Lucanis he wasn’t going to engage in their argument anymore for now.

“Anything with successful results. He doesn’t care about their failures,” Rook yelled back. She let out a quiet sigh of relief when she saw Lucanis head to a different table across the room instead of attempting to pull Illario back into their argument. She was close to her breaking point with them already, and she really didn’t want to explain to Caterina why she returned to the Diamond alone.