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#because the job market is awful
fittoniapearcei · 5 months
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Totally normal and healthy to have a panic attack about work that includes nausea, trouble breathing, and crying 🙃
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ratatatastic · 2 months
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and what does a lombo do with free reign of a camera? apparently take the most gorgeous shots ever committed to film
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SoFlo Hockey | 7.26.24 (x)
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bonus lombo shots!
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blunderpuff · 4 months
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oh so now the birds are eating the <25 cherries i've got growing on my tiny tree
literally everything i've planted in this fucking garden has either died on its own or has been killed by birds/bugs
#my garden is a microcosm of my whole life right now#my life has been on a downward spiral since last july and bestie i am starting to reach my fucking limit#defaulting to thinking ''i wish i were dead'' at every little inconvenience is BAD!!!! i know!!!! but it's true!!!#the mint from trader joe's was infested with aphids and i've been cleaning it off every day for 2 weeks and it's STILL got them#like... this plant is 1 foot tall with two little stalks and less than 30 leaves. it hasn't grown in the 2 months i've had it#the money plant still reeks of mold and has to live outside because of its smell and the fungus gnats#the golden sage just fuckin.... burned to death????? it turned gray and DIED#the one and only bean plant that sprouted just ejected the only 2 true leaves it bothered growing#the originally robust blackberry cane is withering. the other two did get better but started from the ground up. there's 1 blackberry total#the rosemary hasn't gotten any bigger in the 3 months i've had it#the scotch brooms don't look so good. the salvia haven't gotten any bigger in 3 months and the creeping phlox bleached and died#the thyme is doing okay and the culinary sage is hanging in there but i don't have high hopes#not a single fucking wildflower sprouted in the yard. i used 2 bags of seed+mulch that was supposed to cover 600sq ft (the yard is 400)#the mourning doves ate a bunch of the seeds and the rest never sprouted#there's a few puny sunflower sprouts but the cottontail came and ate some of those leaves#the cottontail also ate an entire stalk of the potted mystery flowers#the huge plant i moved in November... the one that surprisingly survived frost/freeze... can't handle the heat and is now dead#i just...#the job market is awful. the salaries are worse. the neighborhood is in the middle of nowhere and inhabited by paranoid cops#everyone has big dogs who go apeshit when they hear ppl walking#and the fences are short and the dogs are big so i'm scared to go walking because EVERY. DAY. on the nextdoor app are people#announcing that they found a dog wandering the neighborhood. or ppl saying ''omgggg my dog got out of the yard! have u seen it?''#spring was all wind/gusty and it battered the blackberries and sucked all the moisture out of the yard#so the 2 tons of compost that we rototilled into the dirt? it's just dust now. there's nothing living in that soil#and now summer is here and it's too hot and these plants don't have a chance#i hate everything
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tiny-feisty-gay · 4 months
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jobs will say they're disability friendly until you actually need them to be friendly about your disabilities
jobs will say they're mental health friendly until you actually have to miss work for it
jobs will say they support you taking time off until you actually do it
capitalism is a sham and employers do not and will not ever care about you, and if you're chronically ill, sucks to suck
i have an average of 1.5 absences a month and i'm tardy an average of twice a month, and somehow that's still too much.
18 absences in a year if i go at the current rate. 18. out of the 208 days total that i work (4 on, 3 off, with a 3 hour commute each direction.) 18. days. of absences. and that's too many.
and god forbid i be more than 15 minutes late.
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My job is bringing in all the remote workers for 2 days at the end of June (the day after I get back from vacation) and I hate it there and I just had to spend a week there and I was so so mad and so with this I have been raging and every other remote employee is like "wow this should be fun!"
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ghostzzy · 6 months
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also. linkedin a putrid website.
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music-for-them-asses · 7 months
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asking for a friend. how the fuck do you get an office job in this economy. i've been trying for months :(
Ahhhh I got really lucky!! I've been at this company since 2017. I have a lot of friends looking for jobs rn, I've heard it's awful (which is why I'm putting it off). Wishing you lots of luck on your search!!
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swiss-army-fangirl · 1 year
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no feeling quite like wanting to do something but knowing your disability means you can't
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sassyandclassy94 · 4 months
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Funny how a bad day makes you a whole lot less excited and more hesitant to return to work the next day…
#oh my gosh guys Sydney is awful… like her entire ‘performance’ (or lack thereof) totally set off the entire workplace#and caused everyone to be behind and in such bad moods - including myself#we’re all hoping she quits but if she doesn’t… I think the owner plans on firing her🥴#(and Chastity is such a sensitive person it’s gonna upset her having to do that…)#but oh my gosh!! I never want to work with her again.#I miss Brock so much that was kid was not only a great worker but could answer any question you threw at him!!#she keeps whining saying ‘I just don’t like working’.#THEN HONEY YOU BEST FIND YOURSELF A RICH MAN TO MARRY BECAUSE IN THIS LIFE WE WORK TO BE ABLE TO LIVE#And I’m sorry if I have no sympathy for her but I worked in an environment that was so stressful and toxic#that I was literally losing my hair (I’m still hoping it regains its old thickness)#and I was there for NINE. Years.#this job seems like heaven after that so don’t come crying to me about how the freezer makes your job the most cruel thing on earth🙄y#you wanna know what’s cruel little Missy?! Cruel is making your employees wear a mask while running up and down stairs in the stifling heat#and humidity witu no AC. Whatsoever.#CRUEL is forcing your single young female employee to make friendly small talk with the shady males of your town#even after you’ve voiced how unsafe and vulnerable you feel#cruel is being fired over your social anxiety. (she wanted me gone so she used my personality against me)#AFTER NINE YEARS OF HARD WORK AVAILABILITY AND DEDICATION!#Cruel IS NOT stocking our freezer products in a small local grocery store#AND GIRL!!! you were literally hired to replace Brock!! he TRAINED you. You KNEW EXACTLY what your job was gonna consist of.#you do NOT have my sympathies#and if you hate a part of your job wouldn’t you work quickly just to get it over with?! cause that’s what I do!!!#ughhhh…#personal#work woes#a day in the life of a market associate
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maytheamazing · 6 months
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Phone culture is insane I have discovered as an office call agent. People be like "yes I want to set an appointment, but right this second isn't a good time, could you call me back?" and I will go "yes! what time do you want me to call you back" and I'll write that down and then call them back and they wont answer. So I'll leave a voicemail. And then in another couple days I will call, and they won't answer, and I'll leave a voicemail. And this will continue, BECAUSE IT'S MY JOB, until the person wi finally ANSWER and then just be rude to me.
Ma'am YOU asked ME to call YOU I don't understand why you are upset??? Just say no I'm not interested?? Or something like hey I don't trust phone calls like this, so sorry but no. THAT WOULD BE FINE?? I DON'T CARE ENOUGH ABOUT YOU I JUST NEED TO CHECK THE BOX YES OR NO. AS PART OF MY JOB.
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awkwxrdapple · 9 months
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rajkhateek · 10 months
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#is digital marketing a good career?#Digital marketing is a great career choice. We are living in a digital world and marketing budgets are moving to digital advertising and aw#The employment forecast for digital marketing in 2023 appears to be fairly#Businesses of all sizes are understanding how critical it is to develop their digital literacy in order to compete to the fullest.#People prefer digital marketing because number of mobile users has grown significantly in the last few years.#In a world full of products and services waiting to be bought and sold#digital marketing plays a crucial role. Digital marketers need to promote their business on the internet. Digital marketing has evolved dra#and the Internet has also expanded significantly. All the ads you see online#the content you view#and the images you see online are related in some way to the work of digital marketers. This way you will discover a few more reasons why c#01.High Demand for Digital Marketers#Digital marketing skills will keep seeing an increase in demand in the near future. This is because there is a considerable gap between the#and companies are dying to hire digital marketers. They know how beneficial the internet and digital platforms are. Digital marketing lets#scale their business further#and generate more revenue. So#learning an in-demand skill never hurts. It only means that you can get better-paying jobs with more security since the demand for these sk#02. Digital marketing Offers Accelerated Career Growth#For all those who feel that digital marketing is a field with little upward mobility#we beg to differ. People were not using WhatsApp in 2011 one of the examples on how fast the internet changes and it changes every year. Di#they are always learning new stuff and mastering new techniques. So the possibilities for growth are really limitless. If you’re looking fo#then you should go for digital marketing.#03.Easy to Start a Career with No Specific Education Required#There is no specific educational degree as a requirement to pursue digital marketing as a career. The internet is a good source to understa#you will only need to practice the essential online marketing techniques#create a portfolio#and you’ll be good to go. These courses could help one boost their digital marketing career. Since there is no recognized educational degre#it allows people from other streams to pursue it.
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A Changed Future (1): Yandere Isekai 
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When you woke after an especially tiresome day the last thing you’d expect was to reawake in a room that looked nothing like your own
The house, the neighborhood, your job everything was not your own
Instead, it’s resembling a webtoon you remember seeing the marketing, edits, and spoilers for
And if it was all adding up right you’d find the horrifying truth behind the controversial protagonist of the story would be incredibly true
“Look I’m sorry I yelled…I love you…I’m really hungry. Can I eat today?”
The beautiful and practically perfect protagonist was the one who trapped their love interest inside their–now your basement
Chained to the floor on a chair in the dark with unfinished surroundings was the poor victim of the yandere protagonist
Haruko, is an average guy who previously caught the protagonist’s attention by standing up to one an influential pair of elitists in defense of their crush but that’s hearsay
In the former protagonist's atmosphere the children of the rich were victims to their family’s whims often protecting their wealth rather than their children
Which caused Haruko to defend his friend from their overbearing parents
That is when the protagonist suddenly fell deeply in love with the average fellow 
Obsessively stalking him and eliminating their rivals by any means necessary
finally snatching their love and running to a small little home where they planned to have their dreamy life 
Of course, after breaking his spirit and having Haruko develop some kind of stockholm syndrome
To find that you’ve been isekai’d is jarring 
But being a protagonist that had the internet raving for years about how unhealthy they were is awful
But it was nothing when you were standing at the top of the stairs and watching the malnourished man call out to you
“Yeah….sure.”
Naturally you calm down, enough to make the poor guy something to eat and drink
Excusing yourself to have a breakdown in the bathroom before coming up with a plan to fix it all
“Y-you’re letting me go?”
“Yes, I won’t stop if you want to go to the police…but I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t.”
You felt so selfish 
But you weren’t the one who imprisoned him
Now that you were though you were going to turn a new leaf
After feeding him, clothing him, and giving him a hefty sum from the protagonists savings 
You go to their place of work where they’re in line for a promotion
“I quit.”
“E-excuse me (L/n)?! But your about to become the vice president of the company!?”
“I know. Sorry?”
You almost feel bad turning down the CEO who visits to try and reason with you
In your opinion, the protagonist didn’t deserve any of their success
They technically didn’t need it because they were stacked
Same could be said for the detective thats been constantly asking the protagonist questions
“You are actually agreeing to talk with me?”
“Yeah.”
“Did you hit your head?!”
With the knowledge from spoilers and ads you’d seen, you knew that the worst part of this story is that the protagonist is doing just fine while Haruka continues to struggle with his captivity and manufactured feelings
You want to do this right, whether you were meant to live in this world from now on or would one day return to your own
But in the meantime you’d do what you felt was right 
Turning their life—now your life around to somehow try to condone for all the crimes they’ve done
Unfortunately, though things don’t seem to want to go your way
“Please Please take me back!” 
“What?”
“You heard me! You were right you’re the only one who loves me! I love you! Please! Please! Take me back in your basement!”
“Okay?”
It seems that once you released the poor guy he returned to society
Expecting to be welcomed by his friends and family upon being missing for years
Who instead had moved on or had benefitted from him being declared dead
He tried to go back to working but he couldn’t get you out of his head
Not the one that ranted about adoring him and the one that would go days without feeding him
But the one that cried when you saw his skin bruising in his chains
The one that fed him a hot meal 
The one that helped him relearn to use his weakened legs
The one that keeps apologizing for every little thing you do
That’s the you, he likes
And he’d much prefer he turn back to being a victim trapped in your basement if it meant having you back in his life
“I don’t mind if you stay here if you need but I’m not keeping you trapped here. I won’t do it anymore.”
He cries and bangs his hands on the floor when you officially tell him
But he’ll take you up on your offer to move in with you
“Good morning (Y/n)! Since you quit your job you’re getting up so much later now. You’ve got to be careful waking too late.”
“Uhm how do you know I quit my job?”
“Unless you're locking me in the basement you don’t need to know!~”
He’s like a weird roommate who occasionally asks that you restrain him in some way
Purposefully rummaging in your storage to find ropes that you haven’t thrown away yet or buying them himself and leaving them out
“Ooops~! I did leave a chain out while cleaning! I’m so bad, being so careless even though you’ve been so against it. I should be punished! I know, you should tie me up! Right? Right? Right?”
He’s going insane everytime you refuse his demands to be locked away
You’re even sweeter now that he’s not locked away and that’s not helping
He’ll ultimately decide he should try it
“Hey (Y/n)?”
“Yes?”
“You still feel guilty about what you did to me right?”
“...Yes.”
“Then how about you do something for me? To make up for it?”
Even if you know you’ve done nothing wrong 
The guilt doesn’t stop you
Letting him lock you in the basement as he repeats some of the same punishments he remembers
Or rather tries to
“I just can’t seem to stand being away from you for a day, let alone not feed you then. I have no idea how you did it.”
You couldn’t be sure either
Which is why you don’t protest as his actions tend to get a bit more…wild
“Like you suggested I did try going for that new job again.”
“Uh that’s good.”
“I know since you’ve left they seem to be desperately searching for extra hands. I’d feel bad for them if you weren’t with me!”
“Right…”
“But being away from you all day is killing me! Maybe I should look for a more remote position.”
He treats you better than the former protagonist did 
Quickly moving you up to your old room and just chaining you there
But he wants more from you 
More Kisses
More Cuddles 
More Romance 
More Touching
More Quality time
He takes up so much of it, that the same problems that happened in the webtoon were happening again
Except this time it was related to you
“I’m Revmere the CEO of the Revere Co. I’m wondering is (Y/n) home? I’ve been trying to reach them by phone but it hasn’t been going through.”
“And I’m Detective Cape. Thomas Cape, I also need to speak with (Y/n) and you too if that’s alright Haruko.”
Part 2: Coming Soon
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sjofn-lofnsdottr · 1 month
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Something I find funny today:
I idled in Radz-at-Han a lot, over the course of Endwalker's life. I liked the day and night themes, and I loved how lively the city felt, with people arriving at the aetheryte and running off to whatever business they had there. It felt natural to go there, hit up the endgame gear vendors, then hang out by the retainer bell in the aetheryte plaza, people watching. And if I needed the market board, I would port back to Dusk's house, rather than go to Sharlayan, a place I just do not vibe with.
I HATE going to Solution 9. I dart in, spend my tomestones/books/whatever and then L E A V E. I hate how sterile the city is, I hate the droning lo-fi theme, I hate the immobile crowd of crafters all facing away from each other as they mindlessly grind their scrips (even as I understand it, I promise <3). I hate all the NPCs still wearing those goddamn regulators. I can't stop thinking about how awful I found the place during the MSQ, how the only place that felt alive to me in the entire place is the seedy area where the raids are. It's dystopian as fuck to me.
And when I need a marketboard ... half the time I port to Tuliyollal. Because that place is alive, it has day and night themes, the mass of crafters there get up and move more than once in a blue moon because they're mostly still leveling, so are running off to hand in leves or get their new class quest or what have you, while other people run by to whatever business they have there.
And I love that, I love that Solution 9 gets such a visceral reaction out of me, this long after I first arrived there. If it's supposed to feel Wrong - and I have every reason to believe it is, of course - they did a fantastic job of making it Wrong and keeping it Wrong, even with people doing their little MMO endgame tasks in it. And I love that Tuliyollal is such a stark contrast to it, long after the MSQ stops pointing it out to us.
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after-witch · 4 months
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Damn Your Eyes Chapter 2 [Yandere Ren Hana x Reader]
Title: Cream and Sugar [Damn Your Eyes Chapter 2] [Yandere Ren Hana x Reader]
Synopsis: A fateful meeting at a bookstore between you and Ren Hana, years upon years after your escape from Strade, turns into a coffee shop date. You're not supposed to accept drinks from strangers, but Ren's not a stranger--so it's fine, right?
Word count: 5,322
notes: yandere, descriptions of violence/death/wounds, drugging
AO3 LINK
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How did one get over something like Strade? Get over that house and that basement? How do you move on with your life when you’ve seen someone’s guts spill out of their body while they’re still alive, and you’ve been instructed to pick them up and play with them for the delight of sick fucks watching it all on a paid stream?
The pretty answer, the one everyone recites when asked, because that’s what you do: with therapy and time and forgiveness for yourself. You take it one day at a time. You treat yourself. 
The real answer: You didn’t. You don’t. You can’t. 
Not fully. Because “getting over” something like that means it will eventually no longer affect you, no longer being a part of you. 
And sure. You will, eventually, go about something that feels like an ordinary life. 
You will walk into a grocery store with a tidy little list, you will roll your eyes at the rising cost of laundry detergent, you will smile at a cashier who says they like your outfit. You will date and drink coffee and sway to your favorite song while making dinner. 
But inside, inside of you , you are still there--still hovering at the last step of the basement stairs, listening to someone’s guttural shrieks as their skin is blow-torch melted down. Still clinging to Ren in the middle of the night, flinching when his hands wander over a recent gouge, a hastily stitched cut--an accident, he whispers, and you’re never sure if you believe him.
And that is what happened to you. 
It took years, of course, to even get close to that semblance of normalcy. A few years were spent in feverish hiding, running from place to place with no paper trails that might lead some gorehound that subscribed to Strade’s torture porn sniffing at your door, hungry for more. 
But you settled down, in time. Slowly. Bit by bit, piece by piece, inch by inch. 
That took years, too--the settling. 
It started with staying in an apartment for more than three months at a time. It started with going to the grocery store wearing only sunglasses, instead of sunglasses, a wig, and the most nondescript clothing you could fish out of a bargain bin. It started with applying for real jobs, not just seedy work that paid cash, quick.
It ended here, in this quaint little home that you shared with your husband for the past five years, though you’d lived together for longer. It ended here, with a modest marketing career that you’d built up after going back to college. It ended here, with a life you built for yourself; frail and a bit unorthodox, but a life nonetheless. 
You wouldn’t have been able to survive, if you hadn’t adapted. There is only so much terror the human man can manage before breaking entirely, and so--adaptation. 
It was a gift that your husband didn’t mind your… differences. The heavy insistence on home security, the desire for privacy, the slow way you gave trust to strangers--if you gave it at all. 
Some things did bother him. He grumbled about your lack of social media presence, and you’d once had an awful fight when his sister put a photo of you on Facebook that you’d demanded, in furious tears, be taken down. 
But, deep down, it wasn’t like you could blame your husband for bucking against your near tantrum-like reaction. For the way he sometimes sighed as you locked the front door with triple locks, and an electric sensor. For the way his jaw sometimes set, when you did something that wasn’t normal to anyone who hadn’t been the extended torture victim of a serial killer that doubled as a snuff porn producer.
Because you knew--deeper down--that you were still haunted by the ghosts in that basement. Strade and the torture victims and Ren and yourself, shaking like a leaf, bleeding onto concrete. You knew, even if the man you slept beside in a bed every night had no inkling of it, that you could never step back across that threshold and be the way you were before.
But.
And there’s always a but, isn’t there?
But… that was okay. It was okay that you could never go back; it was okay that you were someone new; it was okay that you weren’t okay, and you’d never be okay in the fullest sense of the word.
Your life was a life you created out of shaking fingers, something clawed out with dirty fingernails. It wasn’t perfect, but it was yours.
What more could you ask for, after Strade?
What more could you ask for, after anything ?
--
Books are a vice. More than smoking, more than sex. You could give up sex, you could swear you’ll never buy another pack of smokes, but you could never give up books. 
Okay, okay. You’re being over dramatic and theatrical. But how can you think of books as anything other than a sinful pleasure when you’re surrounded by these shelves and stacks, imagining that one day you can afford an extension on your home and dedicate an entire room (or two--why not, in a daydream?) solely to books?
You’re not even supposed to be here today. It was your day off, and your calendar was packed to the brim with mundane errands. Today’s schedule certainly didn’t leave room for indulgently browsing at a bookstore, but sometimes you just have to live a little, don’t you? 
Although if you come home with yet another bag of books, your husband is bound to shove his face into the nearest couch cushion and scream. But c’mon. It wasn’t your fault that you’d long since run out of shelf space and were prone to stuffing the books into boxes that cluttered the closests. 
Your fingers wander over the spines of the books crammed onto the shelves, catching the uneven mismatched spaces between with every dip. The spines are often worn and weathered, some of them even peeling a little. 
This was why you preferred secondhand bookstores. No neat lines of fresh new books set up to catch the eye and make a sale here. No, instead there were countless books shoved together with no care for size or color or sometimes (depending on who was stocking that day) even genre. 
For instance, today you find a battered paperback copy of Carrie by Stephen King right next to a suspiciously pristine How to Keep Your House from Drowning that probably still has an uncracked spine. That poor soul, with a messy house. Maybe they should have read the book. 
You’re about to keep moving when, on second thought: Your partner might get a kick out of finding that book on his nightstand. Or he’ll chuck it at your head (lovingly) for bringing it into the house. It’s a 50/50 gamble that you’re willing to take.
And so you go to pull it out, a private little grin on your face, just as another hand reaches across for Carrie.
Fingers and elbows bump together and you feel that slight flush of awkward embarrassment rush to your cheeks as you sputter out, “Sorry!” Your voice even goes up an octave, an annoying habit that you’ve been trying to train out of yourself.
The stranger pulls away and mutters their own low apology. They sound just as awkward as you, which makes you feel a little better, at least, so you turn to look at them and offer an embarrassed smile and you think, briefly, maybe you’ll grab Carrie for them or cheekily ask if they were going for the cleaning book--
But when you turn to look at them, all thoughts and cheek are snuffed out.
Not because the man in front of you is wearing a nicely tailored business suit and matching fedora hat; a dark gray complimented by a muted burgundy tie. Like he’s off to a meeting or comes from a big city where such outfits are often found in shops and cafes during lunch hours.
Not because the man in front of you is attractive, with red hair with a bit of ever so slightly silver sticking out from underneath his hat; his cologne, soft but spicy, tickles your nose. 
But because the man in front of you is Ren. 
Older, yes. His hair and face peppered with signs of time, just like yours. There are scars on his face that you remember--some etched onto his flesh right in front of you, and some from that gray area of before, when Strade had yet to take you--and some you don’t. 
Your body is lead, your throat is closed up. Speech and movement are now foreign, unknowable things, because Ren is standing right in front of you.
It takes you a moment to shake it off; no, two moments. No, three. 
And then you can finally speak, although the word comes out hoarse and whispered, like every ounce of spit in your mouth vanished the instant you saw him. Perhaps it did. 
“ Ren ?” 
He blinks. His eyes narrow, eyebrows furrowing. For a terrible moment, you find yourself thrown back down the basement steps, when knowing the difference between Strade’s brows furrowing in annoyance or amusement could mean the difference between the degree of your upcoming burns.
And then his expression opens, widens, just enough for you to recognize that he knows who you are now and you’re here, in a bookshop, decades on; not there, not in the basement, where you left Strade’s corpse to rot.
Ren--for he is Ren, and you know it--lifts his hat, his lips turning up in a smile that makes your heart twist painfully, and shows just the bottom edges of his ears in greeting.
He says your name and your ears ring, high and tinny. Out of the corner of your eye, you see a cashier standing at the till rearranging trinkets while clearly spying on whatever bit of vaguely interesting gossip this might turn into during their lunch break. 
You had, in truth, imagined this moment before. Countless times. Usually at night, though you weren’t terribly picky; a long trip on a bus, head pressed against the window glass, was also a great time for such thoughts. 
You’d imagined finding Ren some day, in many different ways. 
In some fantasies, you look him up in the phonebook (a stupid idea fit only for a fantasy, because Ren would never put himself out there like that, just as you hadn’t) and give him a call and meet up at a park and you apologize until your lungs stop working. In another, you run into him somewhere else, a store or park; a coincidence just like this one. In still others, he finds you, offering to meet in a public space because he knows you’d be scared and he wants you to be comfortable and Ren would definitely think of things like that, considering your shared experiences. 
In your daydreams, you had a speech prepared. It was always moving, of course. It culminated in a soft, unbearably sweet hug where the two of you squeezed out the pain from the preceding decades and parted in mutual understanding. Maybe with each other’s phone numbers on slips of paper. 
But those were daydreams. This is real life.
In real life, your throat feels closed up; your eyes burn with hot tears that want to spill out, and everything from your chest to your cheeks feels hot and swollen. In real life, it is not the daydreams but your nightmares that worm their way into your brain: those nightmares you have (yes, have, still--even this far down the line) where he hates you, where he tells you that you left him there like he’s nothing, where he throws back all your whispered conversations in the dark back in your face.
In real life, you can only stammer out, expecting the nightmarish worst: “Ren. I’m s…sorry. I’m sorry . I shouldn’t--I shouldn’t have --”
Ren raises his hand; his brows furrow again. He says your name, once, twice. Softer. Gentler. 
“It’s okay,” he says, low. You don’t know if he means that it’s okay that you left him (it isn’t, is it?) or that it’s going to be okay or that he’s okay or--
Ren must sense your upcoming lack of steady breathing, because he places one steady hand on your shoulder. The way he used to do, when you started thinking about the fact that you were going to die in that house, and it would be an awful death, and the thought of it made you want to tear into your own skin. 
It brings you back down to the ground, which only makes you want to cry for a different reason.
Ren’s face has a touch of sticky pity on it when he smiles at you. 
“Why don’t we go somewhere we can sit down and talk?” 
--
You are sitting in a coffee shop across the way from a fox man who used to be tortured with you in the basement of a serial killer's home that doubled as a snuff film studio. There are people around you, but they might as well be invisible, be nothing at all. 
Because every nerve in your body is focused squarely on Ren, sitting in front of you with a muted awkward expression as the pair of you wait silently for the barista to call up your order. 
Neither of you have spoken since you sat down.
Sweat is beginning to stick to your neck, but you don’t want to move without warning--don’t want to startle Ren. If you do, maybe he’ll run off, and… no. He wouldn’t run off now. You can tell. He’s not like he used to be, and neither are you. 
There are decades between you, and yet--and yet that thread is still there, isn’t it? You could never fully cut it. Maybe it pulled, instead. Pulled and pulled and eventually lost all of its slack on this unassuming afternoon, when the two of you met again in a bookstore. Reaching for books with cracked and weathered spines, lines creasing over the paper like scars on the skin.
Your scars. His scars. 
How many times have you traced over the marks on your skin? How many times has he? Maybe he didn’t do it anymore. Maybe he was in a much better space than you, and that’s why he looks so awkward and you feel like your heart is about to pound right out of its chest. Because he’s moved on and you, stupid thing, just woke up in the basement in the middle of a sunny afternoon.
His shoulders straighten; you imagine, under his hat, that his ears have perked. For a moment,, a familiar sensation washes through you. Danger. He’s coming down the stairs and it’s going to hurt.
But Strade is dead. And you are alive, and Ren is alive, and his attention only raised because the barista set both of your coffees down on the counter. Nothing more than that.
Slowly, the world seems like it regains its normal gravity. The sweat clinging to your neck feels silly and not ominous. You can breathe, and the world of the coffee shop seems to settle around you like it would have on any other day.
“I’ll get them,” Ren says, quietly, eyeing you with wariness–like he’s the one worried about you bolting. Fuck. He’s probably right to think that; a moment ago, you might have been the one to run.
Ren pauses after he stands up, and there’s something soft and sad in his eyes when he looks at you. Part of you thinks he’s about to say that he’s going to leave, that this was a mistake. But instead, his lips curl and the softest of smiles, and he asks:
“You still like cream and sugar?”
Oh. 
“Yes,” you say, automatically. But you don’t. Not anymore. Tastebuds change and you drink it black with no cream, when you do bother to drink it. It’s not worth correcting, and you don’t. You just watch as he grabs both cups and heads over to the counter on the far side of the coffee shop, where there’s oodles of sugars (and sugar substitutes); creamers; and little tins of milk to add to your drink. 
Then your phone vibrates, and the “fuck!” that comes out of your mouth is involuntary. It was about the time that you should have been heading home, bookstore stop  notwithstanding. What were you going to say to him? That you’d run into someone from your past that used to get tortured with you? That you remember what Ren looks like when his flesh is sliced into and pulled apart? 
You heading home? Took ground beef out for dinner. Tacos?
Your thumb hovers over the phone screen. You’re going to lie. You already know that. Even if you were ready to tell him about your past, it would not be like this. Even you, not particularly attuned to mobile etiquette, knew it was better to confess something like this in person. Although the temptation to confess it all and  add silly emojis to punctuate the gritty details was very strong.
Ran into an old friend , you type, finally. They want to hang out a bit. Tacos are fine, don’t wait up! Xoxoxo.
It feels so normal. And that’s okay, isn’t it? That you’re being normal right now. It’s a sign that you’ve come so far, if anything. And you’ll take any of those signs that you can manage to get, so when the text comes in–
Can’t wait to hear about it!
I don’t guarantee there will be tacos left. 
Kidding.
… Maybe.
–you let that normalcy wash over you, and it helps you settle as Ren returns, coffee mugs in hand.
His expression is lighter, too. He probably notices the weight off your shoulders, the way you’re trying to look interested and perhaps even excited to see him, rather than looking like you’re about to throw up on a half-empty stomach.
He slides your mug across the table and you can tell at a glance that it’s going to be sweet. A hesitant sip, your tongue curling back from the warmth and inevitable sugar, confirms it. Milky and creamy, just like you used to take it.
“Do you live around here?” Ren asks, taking a sip from his own mug.
Such an average question. It’s almost enough to make you snort. Really, you should be asking him when he got out of that basement and whether or not he ever thought about cutting you open and if he still had dreams, like you did.
Instead, he’s asking something you might ask an old high school friend that you haven’t seen in twenty years. 
Fuck. What a world you live in. 
Maybe he senses your thoughts. Maybe the two of you really are in tune from what you went through together. Because he cracks a smile, the edge of a sharp tooth showing. And then the smile spreads and turns into a little chuckle. It’s not the giggling snort he would sometimes fall into at the house. It’s something older and more reserved, but that shouldn’t surprise you. You’re the same way.
You take another sip of the coffee. It really is too sweet. That’s how you took it at the house, though. It was better to drown your sorrows in creamer and packets of sugar–pilfered from diners that Strade went to, sometimes to scope for victims–than mope about them all the time.
“I really am curious,” he says, voice light. “If you’re okay with telling me.” Something different in his tone. Offense, maybe? God, it’s strange, being on the lookout for what someone’s tone really means again. 
But it’s just Ren. You shouldn’t be so worried about it.
“It’s fine,” you say, just as light. “Yeah, maybe about half an hour away? I have a little house…”
Ren’s eyebrows raise. Not in surprise, exactly. But in interest. It relieves you, just a little, that he didn’t let out some sarcastic remark about having your own place away from him.
“Do you have a garden?” He asks. “You always did talk about getting one.”
A twinge in your heart. Bittersweet and old. Sometimes at night, when the two of you were allowed to curl up together, you would talk about a fantasy world. A world where you never came here; where you’d be and what you’d do. Sometimes, you’d be in a pretty little cottage with a pretty little garden in a pretty little town.
Well. Your garden is pretty, even if your house isn’t an adorable cottage and you live at the edge of sprawling suburbs where you have to drive 20 minutes to get to anything useful. Close enough?
You tell him about it. The house and the garden. You even tell him about your partner, and maybe his smile does quirk down a little, then. But you could be imagining it. 
“Do you have kids?” Ren asks, next. If he were anyone else, it would be a mundane question--the kind you ask every couple who's been together a while. In Ren, it feels different. Serious. Sincere. He tilts his head a little, taking another sip of his coffee, which prompts you to do the same.
Kids. Hah. It wasn’t like the thought had never crossed your mind. But it didn’t happen. For a lot of reasons, it didn’t happen. Mind and body and the basement worked against you, and maybe there was a part of you that was afraid to bring anything into the world, because you knew it could be taken away. Taken to someone’s basement and hurt and hurt and hurt –
Ren says your name.
Ren’s hand is on yours. 
You glance down at his hand–see a familiar scar, see that your hand underneath his is curled up and tense–and then look  up at his face. 
Oh, the passing of time. 
“Me neither,” he says, softly. Like he knows why you didn’t and couldn’t, and maybe he was the same way. 
It hurts too much to think about. So you clear your throat and slowly pull your hand away, letting it rest on the now cooling mug of coffee. You take another swig, despite it not being to your taste anymore. Ren really did put in a lot of creamer.
“What about you?”
His head tilts, almost slow, almost curious.
“Me?”
He blinks.
You blink back. 
“Do you live around here?” 
A smile–an Ahhh sort of smile. 
“No,” he says, simply. He shakes his head. “I travel a lot.” He nods his head. “For business.”
“Oh,” you say. “What sort of business?”
A flicker in his gaze. Something sharp and familiar. It’s gone too soon to matter. 
“This and that,” is all he says.
And there’s a strange sort of realization in your head. A fuzziness that seems to spread right to your scalp. This is all too casual, too normal. It’s not at all what it was supposed to be, when you met. Asking about homes and gardens and kids and what you do for work; fuck, you two had been tortured together. Had watched people die. Had helped other people die. 
This should have been about more than banal pleasantries. This should have been about reconnecting. About that thread between the two of you that couldn’t be cut, even now.
Maybe it’s that fuzziness in your scalp and maybe it’s the lurching of your heart, but you reach out your hand again towards Ren; your hand and your heart reaching and aching –
“Why did you run that day?” Soft and to the point. All the years have led to this question. 
The question drops your hand straight to the table. The thud feels harder than it sounds. What ease your heart had mellowed to earlier melts away entirely, and you can feel adrenaline beginning to pump, your heart pounding and racing. Your ears hurt.
Why did you run? It’s the question you wanted him to ask, isn’t it? The question that would lead to your big sappy explanation and apology and the sentimental hug before you two parted ways, perhaps with phone numbers in your pockets? 
But now that Ren is real again; now that he’s here, lines around his eyes and a touch of silver in his hair, you don’t know how to answer.
You ran because you were scared. Scared of people from Strade’s fucked up streams finding you in that house. Scared of Strade’s corpse rotting in the basement. Scared, too, of Ren. Of being chained to him, or by him, and you could never be sure which was more likely. 
You ran because you weren’t strong enough to face whatever was left behind for you in that fucking house. 
Thickness lodges in your throat but you swallow against it. This is not a daydream. This is real life. And you have to own up to what you did now. 
“Ren, I–” 
The words don’t come, because the world suddenly spins. The fuzziness prickling on your scalp, your ears ringing, your heart going too fast–this has all been too much for you, you should have known that. There are brief thoughts–heart attack, stroke, fuck, fuck, FUCK–and then Ren’s hand is gripping your upper arm so you don’t fall out of the chair. 
“Are you okay?” Your vision is clear enough to see the concern in his face. His brows furrow together and he looks around, telling someone– ”Yes, I'm going to get her home” --and you’re about to tell him not to take you to the hospital because your insurance has a high deductible for the emergency room when another dizzy spell hits you, and you’d rather be in debt than dead.
“Should I call an ambulance?” He asks, voice low, calming. Your mind latches onto it. You’re not alone, it’s going to be okay. Someone is here to take care of you, and if you have to go to the emergency room, well, it couldn't have happened at a better time.
Ambulances cost too much money, though, and Ren 
“Could you drive me?” Even as you talk, you know something’s wrong. The words come out too slow, a little slurry. Almost like you’re drunk. 
Ren starts to shake his head and your dizzy self makes a pitiful sound. 
You swear you can see Ren’s ears twitching underneath his hat. You don’t have the presence of mind to think about why–where and when he’s heard that pitiful whimper before–so you just cling to him as he gently pulls you out of your chair.
He grabs your purse and carefully leads you out of the shop. Someone holds the door open, and he tells them that you’re going to the emergency room, thank you for the concern. Your head swims and you might mumble thank you to them, too, but you’re not entirely sure. Are you dying? Is it a stroke? Will the last thing you texted the love of your life be about dinner? It’s funny in that awful, delirious sort of way.
“Ren?” You ask, helpless. You’re holding onto him as tightly as you can, but your fingers feel fuzzy. Your whole body feels fuzzy, actually. Heavy and strange. Drunk and leaden.
“It’s all right,” he murmurs. “Let’s get you into my car, all right?”
You don’t have the presence of mind to wonder why his car is already out on the curb, running, with a driver in the front seat. You aren’t coherent enough to think about things like that; but then, even before you drank the coffee cup laced with a sedative, you didn’t notice the black car following the pair of you down the road to the coffee shop. 
You didn’t notice it follow you to the bookstore, either, nor did you give it a second glance when it pulled out of the lot after you stopped in at the grocery store to pick up a few miscellaneous items.
You really had lost your touch after all these years.
Ren grips you carefully while he opens the back door to the car. It’s roomy, expensive. Clean black leather seats that probably don’t show stains. Up front, a driver sits, wearing a hat and sunglasses and a uniform.
There’s a brief thought–Jesus, what does Ren do for a living to afford this?--before Ren is helping you crawl into the backseat.
The movement only makes you dizzier, and you’re telling the person in the front seat, whoever they are, that you need to get to the nearest hospital please.
They don’t even turn to look at you. It’s strange. But then Ren is there in the backseat with you, and you’re mumbling the same thing to him. Rattling off your symptoms–dizzy, fuzzy, confused, tingling hands. You try to remember the test for a stroke but can’t.
Ren smiles at you.
Why is he smiling? That thought comes through loud and clear, but it doesn’t stick for very long.
“Ren,” you say, slurring. “The hospital, the nearest one is… I think it’s… you have to…”
And those words, difficult as they are to get out, slowly drop away. Because while your mind is not capable of many things right now, it is capable of registering something unusual.
Ren. 
He doesn’t look worried anymore. No more concern furrowing his brow, no more softness. 
Instead, he looks pleased. There’s a smug smile on his face, and you’ve seen it before, but it’s older now. Wiser. Less impulsive and more assured. 
A cat–a fox–that caught the canary. And you, what little remains of your logical mind tells you, are one dumb bird. 
And he knows that you know. Because he jerks his chin at the driver in the front, who must press some kind of button; the doors lock. Loud. Hard. Your numb hands fumble for the door handle but no matter how much you try to shove the door open, it doesn’t budge.
 You're locked in.
“Back to the hotel for now,” Ren says. Not to you. To the driver. Who–to your horror–begins to pull away from the curb.
“Oh, no–” You try to scream. It’s not quite loud enough. Not quite sharp enough. but maybe someone can see you, even through the tinted windows. Or they’ll hear you and tell someone, who will maybe tell someone else, who might call the cops. If you’re lucky.
Ren’s hand cups your mouth firmly. 
“Don’t waste your energy, you’ll need it soon.” The hand moves from your lips to your cheek, resting there. The look in Ren’s eyes is blurry–whatever he drugged you with is making it hard to focus–but you recognize bits of it, because you felt the same damn thing.
The awful mixture of nostalgia, regret and ache.
Maybe if you explain everything. Tell him why you ran. Apologize like hell. You won’t be hugging after this, but you won't be drugged up (what did he give you?) in the back of his car, either. 
“Ren– the hous e–I ran–I–let me explain, it–”
Ren’s hand trails back to your mouth. The sharp edges of his nails graze against your nose.
“Hush. We’ll talk about all that later.” 
Later?
Oh, fuck –
There’s an awful, stabbing pain in your thigh–you look down and see Ren pulling away a syringe with a bright silver needle.
Ren–you try to say his name, but when you open your mouth, nothing comes out. Your lips gape and close and words no longer form.
Your head is swimming now, all highs and lows, dipping and rising over waves that never seem to end. It’s like you're falling asleep in the worst way, hard and rocky.
Like you’re falling backwards down the basement stairs. 
Ren’s voice is the last thing you hear before you black out.
“Sweet dreams.” 
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