#because they’ll only accept internal communications. which i cannot do. because i can’t get into my account and i don’t have a work phone

[fingertipsmp3]

This week has really been one of those that has me straight up not wanting to leave my house or contact anyone or do anything because something seems to go wrong with everything I do

[strangertheory]

What’s all this confusing jargon?

Heteronorma-what? Comp het? Projection?

This past week I've seen a few different conversations here on Tumblr in which fans clearly demonstrated that they do not understand certain struggles that the queer community deals with, and many fans have been misunderstanding theories involving compulsory heterosexuality and emotional projection as  making a character a "bad person."

Because I've seen this crop up multiple times this week, I wanted to create this post and address misunderstandings while also defining some terms and concepts that some fans might not be familiar with.

For the purposes of this post I'm going to be referencing the Stranger Things fan-theory that Mike is gay, that Mike is participating in compulsory heterosexuality, and that Mike is projecting his feelings for Will onto El. (This theory is one that I've seen garner the most criticism, but I'm sure that there are other queer-coded characters in Stranger Things that fans have argued over as well.)

The majority of this post is dedicated to defining terminology so that fans can better understand queer-coding and queer theory as it applies not only to the Stranger Things fandom but also to any other fandom’s discussions, but I’ll also offer an explanation and summary of one tiny part of the much larger theory that Mike is gay in order to contextualize this discussion a bit.

When fans theorize that Mike is "projecting his feelings" for Will onto El, or suggest that Mike is "pretending" to have feelings for El, some fans get upset and angry. I know and respect very much that these fans are not necessarily angry because they are bothered by the idea that a character in Stranger Things could be gay. Not all rejection of certain theories and popular ships stems from homophobia (although they very often do, and the fandom needs to be more aware of this.) But I understand that because some fans see the idea of a gay character choosing to have a heterosexual relationship as being dishonest and selfish and manipulative, they do not want to see a character that they love and respect (Mike) as knowingly “using” and “lying” to another character that they love and respect (El.)

Let me reassure you that is not at all what this theory represents, and that is not at all the angle that is taken by fans that interpret Mike as participating in comp het. 

In this blogpost I’m going to do my best to explain some terminology that is often used in theories about queer-coded characters and narratives. I’m also going to discuss why queer people that are dealing with comp het, internalized homophobia, and projecting their feelings (knowingly or unknowingly) onto straight relationships are not bad or maliciously dishonest, and they are most often motivated by a desire to do what they believe is best for not only themselves but for everyone in their lives that they care about due to their mistaken beliefs about their feelings.

Internalized homophobia is when an lgbtqa+ person has within their mind negative ideas about homosexuality which impact their judgement and perception of themselves. Internalized homophobia often heavily influences their self-esteem, their decision-making, and it might encourage them to participate in compulsory heterosexuality in order to fit into a prejudiced community. The way in which internalized homophobia affects everyone will be different and it’s a very complex issue. Even lgbtqa+ people who have been “out” for years and that outwardly might seem as though they don’t have any insecurities might still suffer from internalized homophobia caused by the biases and toxic ideas that they’ve been exposed to over the course of their lives.

Compulsory heterosexuality (frequently shortened to the phrase "comp het”)

com·pul·so·ry /kəmˈpəlsərē/ adjective required by law or a rule; obligatory.

When fans of queer-coded pairings discuss that they believe that certain characters are participating in "comp het" they mean that they are behaving in a way that is strongly influenced by their culture's strong focus on heterosexuality, their community's biases against homosexuality, as well as perhaps their own internalized homophobia. Compulsory heterosexuality does not necessarily require that a person is even aware that they are not heterosexual yet: oftentimes, a person might grow up in a household that has never given them any examples of happy queer community. A person may not even know that being lgbtqa+ is an option. As a young person grows older and tries to do what everyone expects of them (ex. dating) they might only then start to realize that they aren't like all of their peers, and their compulsory participation in "what is expected of them" is not working out as they anticipated. This can result in a lot of frustration and confusion when all alternative options have been hidden or stigmatized by their family, friends, and neighbors. Many lgbtqa+ people often end up participating in compulsory heterosexuality before they fully realize that they are queer because their community treats being straight as the only way people can be. They haven’t had the opportunity to consider the existence of alternatives. 

It's important to understand that compulsory heterosexuality is not done out of malice or intended selfishness. The main focus of most people that are trying to be straight is doing what they believe is the "right thing" or the "acceptable thing" in a heteronormative community. There are places in the world that have laws and punishments, often very severe ones, against the queer community. Not all countries are safe for lgbtqa+ people, and historically the US has not been and is still very often unsafe and intolerant even today. And because of strong biases that exist against homosexuality in many cultures: anyone that is trying to be straight does not recognize this behavior as dishonest or manipulative, they see it as something they believe they are expected to do, that they can figure out how to do, or that they believe they can choose in order to be accepted by others. Sometimes they might feel obligated to return the feelings of someone that expresses interest, and they might feel guilty that they don't feel the same way. Other times they might think "well, maybe I just need more practice with learning how to fall in love and be in love!" This is a very common feeling that young people might have when they first start dating. "Maybe I just haven't found the right person!" or "Maybe I'm overthinking things and this is how I'm supposed to feel, and this is love and it's a lot like friendship but with kissing!" People still trying to figure out their feelings or that believe they have to figure out how to be cishet are not "liars" and they are not manipulative or selfish, they're simply people trying to do what they truly believe they are "supposed to do" according to their community's "rules." Many are still in the process of figuring out that they aren't straight in the first place. Many, especially in time periods without the internet, might think that their experience is unusual and unhealthy and that they're alone in their struggle. And many might believe that being straight and being in a heterosexual relationship is the only allowable option available to them, and their behavior represents that.

Heteronormativity is the belief that romantic, marital, and/or sexual relationships between a cis man and a cis woman are ideal, preferred, or "normal" compared to alternatives. A heteronormative person dismisses and ignores the possibility that anyone they meet in their daily lives could be lgbtqa+ and behaves under the assumption that everyone is cishet when the truth is that humanity is infinitely more diverse than that. Heteronormativity causes parents to raise their children assuming they'll be straight and only teaching them about cis men and cis women falling in love and having families rather than offering them a broader perspective on all human experience. So many people that claim to be "allies" to the lgbtqa+ community will often behave and speak as though they assume that most people they meet are straight because deep down they still hold a very strong bias against accepting that a person being queer is just as "natural" as a person being straight. So many people that claim to be “allies” to the lgbtqa+ community will also judge queer people and queer fictional characters differently than they judge their straight and cisgender friends. The Stranger Things fandom is notoriously littered with a few heteronormative fans that only complain about the idea that two middle schoolers might kiss or have a crush on each other (they’re too young!) when it’s the idea of two boys or two girls kissing. Statements such as “they can’t know that they’re gay yet and they can’t have feelings for another boy or another girl yet because they’re too young” are heteronormative because these statements prioritize the false idea that heterosexuality is “natural” and that homosexual feelings cannot arise equally naturally for a young teen as they grow up and as they start having romantic interest in their peers.

Projection is, in simplest terms, taking feelings and directing them onto a new subject that is not the actual source of those feelings. The reasons that people project their emotions can vary. People often project their feelings when they believe at a subconscious level that their feelings are either inappropriate when directed towards the original source OR they feel powerless to do anything about the source of their original feelings and so they try to find a new target to blame their feelings on instead. Projection is one method by which people seek to manage and express their feelings when they are unable to express them directly. Through projection we often seek to avoid confronting the real source, reasons, and issues behind our feelings.

One simple example of emotional projection is how we treat others when we’re having a bad day! Let's say that I had a bad day at work. My boss yelled at me and reminded me that I'd forgotten to do an important task. I'm upset, but I don't tell my boss how I feel and I bottle up those emotions. The second I return home my spouse politely reminds me of something small that I needed to do. Right now: I'm angry. I was unable to yell at my boss because I recognized, either consciously or subconsciously, that this behavior would be unacceptable and that there would be adverse consequences. Now someone telling me what to do at home reminds me of my boss telling me what to do at work, so I explode and yell at my spouse. I have now projected my feelings towards my abusive boss towards my spouse instead even though I'm not really angry at my spouse at all: I'm angry at my boss. In my mind in this moment I see my spouse as being just like my boss at work! My spouse won't understand why I'm treating them this way: they'll think I'm unkind and unreasonable. I might not know why I reacted that way either, but I might know enough to recognize that I've had a long day and work was hard. The truth is: I wish I could yell at my boss, but I can't, and I've been bottling up my anger all day because I wasn't able to express my feelings. I've found a sudden outlet for those feelings that reminded me of the situation in which the feelings started: my spouse telling me I forgot to do something.

When Stranger Things fans speculate that Mike is projecting his feelings for Will onto El they have multiple canon circumstances that might logically support this interpretation of the story. I’ll summarize a few of them, but please keep in mind these are far from the only examples in which Mike might be projecting his feelings. (Both @kaypeace21 and @hawkinsschoolcounselor and many others have written about this interpretation of Mike’s character before. I highly recommend visiting and following their blogs if this subject interests you further.)

The first time we meet El is while Mike is out looking for Will. El enters Mike's life when Will goes missing and while Mike is upset and feeling as though he's "the only one that cares about Will." Mike’s new friend El says she knows where Will is, and by the end of season 1 she helps Mike find Will again! Then yet again in season 2 we see that El returns to Mike's life right when Mike is terrified that Will is being taken over by the Mindflayer. Yet again, Will is in danger and El arrives and she saves Will. We see Mike tell El "I can't lose you again!" when El returns to help save Will, and she reassures Mike "You won't lose me." But this is precisely during a moment in which Mike is absolutely terrified of losing Will who is unconscious in the other room and has been dealing with the Mindflayer. Mike was upset he lost Will in season 1, and then he was upset that El was gone in season 2, and then yet again at the end of season 2 right when Mike is afraid of losing Will again El shows back up in his life and Mike is relieved. But El is emotionally directly associated with how Mike feels when they "save Will" because that is what she has done two seasons in a row. The girl that has been helping Mike find and rescue and save Will is a repeated subject of Mike's affections, and yet he has only known her for a very short amount of time and is otherwise, in many ways, a mysterious stranger. Both Mike’s kiss with El in season 1 and the "I can't lose you again!" line in season 2 are delivered while Mike is in the middle of being terrified of losing Will. Could Mike be projecting his attachment to Will onto this new person in his life because she's there and she's a source of reassurance and hope? Does El subconsciously represent reassurance that Will is going to be okay because whenever she shows up she saves Will? If El is there, then Mike knows that Will is going to be rescued and that he will be okay. That’s a comforting feeling. A happy feeling! Mike knows he feels happy and safe around El, but he might not know why he feels happy and safe with her. Is Mike finding comfort in the thought that Will is going to be okay every time he sees El, rather than finding comfort in any feelings he might have for her? It is, of course, just a theory. But the way  in which Mike experiences (arguably) his strongest romantic impulses towards El while being terrified for Will's safety is fascinating to consider. If you were to ask me whether Mike seemed most romantically affectionate towards El when she showed up to save Will in season 2 or whether he seemed most affectionate towards El while pulling her hands away from his face and breaking away from a kiss in order to sing along to a song that just hit the line "Just a little uncertainty can bring you down" to continue it with a loud voice and yell "And nobody wants to know you now, nobody wants to show you how! So if you're lost and on your own you can never surrender!" then... my vote is that he was the most enchanted when El showed up in season 2 to save Will. But until the show is over and the credits for season 5's final episode have rolled we can, of course, agree to disagree regarding who Mike is "in love with."

The theory that Mike is projecting his feelings for Will onto El is just that: a theory. But it’s not a baseless theory. It is logical to a good number of people and it resonates with many queer fans who have experienced comp het and internalized homophobia while growing up in circumstances similar to Mike’s. Before dismissing this fan-theory I believe it is important that fans recognize the validity of these ideas and the way that they reflect many very real lgbtqa+ experiences even if they disagree or decide that this is not their preferred interpretation of the story. Most dismissals of these kinds of theories that I have read tend to demonstrate a certain level of ignorance towards lgbtqa+ experiences and reinforce heteronormative worldviews.

However. To return to my original point!

Hypothetically, Mike would not be a "bad person" for trying to date El and trying to love El even if he was aware that he's gay. He'd simply be Mike, as he always has been: the paladin that just wants to do the "right thing" and do what he believes his friends want him to do. He would see loving El as what he is supposed to do and what he thinks she wants and deserves.

I hope that my earlier explanations in this blogpost regarding what comp het, heteronormativity, internalized homophobia, and emotional projection are will help fans respect that people and characters that do these things are not bad, selfish people and they are not malicious or dishonest. They are seeking to be what they believe is "good." Homophobia exists. It's a real problem. And it impacts every single decision that lgbtqa+ people make when they're growing up in a conservative, heteronormative community. When fans speculate that certain characters are lgbtqa+ : they understand that queer characters would not see their compulsory heterosexuality as being unfair to their love interests. They would see their behavior and words as what their love interest wants and what they think they need to want for themselves, too. They're trying to do what they believe is right and to make other people happy. There is nothing evil in that intention. There is nothing selfish in that intention. However, it is true that everyone will be happiest when they are able to safely embrace who they are and choose to be honest with their loved ones without any judgement or prejudice. That is one of many reasons why homophobia and transphobia and acephobia are such destructive forces in society.

[arofili]

how’d u get into writing? like, writing fic and being part of the silm community, being Known, that stuff? i’m really new to being a silm cc and i’d love to know ur advice! also: how’d u build up the confidence to start posting meta/hcs? bc i have a Lot of hcs and meta ideas but also i’m really anxious abt posting them bc yknow anxiety is like that

these are some great questions, anon! I’m gonna go through them one by one :)

how’d u get into writing?

not to be like, super cliche, but I’ve...kind of always been a writer? as long as I can remember I’ve been telling stories, and when I was too young to read or write I would dictate them to my mom, who would type them up for me and help me choose clipart illustrations to accompany them. when I got old enough I would always be writing; I attempted my first novel at age 9, and while that never really went anywhere I did finish the darn thing and it had some pretty sophisticated plot twists for a 9-year-old!

like, writing fic

around the same time I got into fandom! I was deep into Warrior cats (like. really deep) and I believe I started writing my first fics when I was like? 10 or 11? my memory is kind of fuzzy on the order of things, but I know I got an account on the Warriors forums when I was 9, and that I was already posting my fic there when I made my FFN account. I believe I was 12 when that happened, but who knows. I haven’t the faintest idea of what happened with those forums, but uhhh pretty much all of my Warriors fic is still up on FFN lmao. you could probably find that if you want to but um...maybe don’t?

my first Big Fic was a self-insert of...my entire 5th/6th grade class into the then-current timeline of the Warriors books...well. I honestly think that might still be my most popular fic of all time l m a o though I try not to think about it because Hashtag Cringe. though as much as I look back on that time with a “yikes,” I am very grateful for the Warriors fandom in a way? that place was so accepting and encouraging of OCs, of AUs, of completely disregarding canon, of worldbuilding that is completely alien from canon - it was a fantastic sandbox to begin with, there were so many ways to write stories and practically all of them were accepted and had fellow fans invested in them!

and being part of the silm community, 

soooo I wrote Warriors fic until my freshman year of high school (wow sdjfhkdsjfh), which was when BOTFA came out, and I was absolutely wrecked by the ending and immediately started writing my own fixit fic. I was also super hooked on Kiliel! so that was my intro to the Tolkien fandom; and simultaneously, I joined tumblr, and, well, the rest is history tbh.

I honestly do not remember when I first read the Silm, but I kind of got into the more obscure parts of the Tolkien fandom through fandom osmosis, and I do have a vague memory of doodling the Finwean family tree in geometry class so it might have been later on in freshman year? that was also the same time I was having my Queer Awakening, and Russingon definitely contributed to me unlearning my internalized queerphobia, so probably around then.

anyway - queer awakening, tumblr, Tolkien, transitioning from FFN to AO3 - all of that was happening around the same time. I know I dipped my toes in the Silm fandom then, but I was still primarily a Hobbit fic writer focusing on Kiliel. toward the end of high school I kind of shifted to LOTR and (qp) Gigolas...but somehow the Silm fandom is the most active of the Big Three within the Tolkien fandom, and I was getting dragged further and further in.

it wasn’t until @backtomiddleearthmonth 2019, my freshman year of college, that I really dove into writing Silm fic! I picked some Silm-specific bingo cards and never looked back :D that was really not all that long ago but I am obsessed in a way I don’t really remember being even with TH/LOTR, I obviously cannot see the future but I anticipate hanging out here for a long time. the Silm fandom is great overall and there’s just so much material to work with!! <3

being Known, that stuff?

so I don’t really have a whole lot of context on how “well known” I am in the fandom?? definitely within the past year and a half or so I’ve noticed that I like, get asks like this, and get a significant amount of notes on my posts, and I’ve made a lot of fandom friends especially since I joined some Silm servers on Discord (hmu if you want invites; I’m on the SWG server and 2 general Silm servers and the Russingon server) this past year. and I have 3,000 followers as of this month - and while ever since I hit 1k I don’t particularly pay attention to my follower count I can definitely say that I have more engagement now than I used to! but it took me a long time to build this “audience,” I suppose; I’ve been around the Tolkien fandom since late 2014, so nearly 6 years of this, lol.

really the best way to build a following, in my experience, is to just post a lot of stuff. when I started making edits I got a lot more engagement, because for a long time I would post one every day! (I made them in batches and queued them; I didn’t actually make one every day lol...and now I’m too busy to do that, so I just make edits for events and whenever I feel like it) And I have [checks ao3] 145 works in the Silm fandom as of today - I’m fairly prolific! I’ve come to generally expect 3-10 comments on most of my oneshots, which is a lot more than I used to have back in the day. consistency and quantity are more likely to attract people to your work - and quality, of course.

also: how’d u build up the confidence to start posting meta/hcs?

I’ve been writing since I was very young, and I’ve been writing fic for like...11 years? I think? in that time I’ve produced a lot of garbage, but imo most of that was in my Warrior cats phase, so I came into the Tolkien fandom with confidence in myself and my writing. I’m also working on original fiction on the side (I hope to eventually become a published fantasy author, but right now school takes up most of my time that I don’t devote to fandom, which gives me more immediate gratification and also is just Very Fun) and I know I’m a good writer.

basically, I’ve been doing this for like...half my life, and I’m still fairly young, so I’ve had time to build up my skill and confidence and I know I’m only going to get better with time. you will get better with practice. like I said, I’ve written a lot of terrible stuff, and it’s only through sucking for a long time that I’ve gotten to the point I am now. and I am far from perfect; I know I still have lots of room to grow!

for meta and headcanons specifically, I started with writing fic, and then when I didn’t think I could stretch something into an entire fic I would just make a hc post. I have a vivid memory of writing my first meta in a notebook during driver’s ed because it was so goddamn boring and I had Thoughts about Tauriel and Thranduil!

in my experience, meta comes from having Opinions and wanting to share them and most importantly to back them up - you need to have sources! you need to have reasons! you need to have justification! otherwise it’s not meta, it’s a headcanon or an AU. which is fine!! I love hc/AU!!! but they are not the same as meta, and I’m a stickler for being accurate when it comes to meta. if you have sources and shit to back you up, that will help you build the confidence to share your meta.

sharing disinformation and passing it off as meta instead of just coming out and saying this is a headcanon/baseless theory/AU or whatever is such a fandom pet peeve of mine; it’s not bad for something to not be Accurate! you just have to have that disclaimer - and even when you’re writing meta, you’re offering an interpretation of the text, and you need to acknowledge that other interpretations also exist and are valid.

um. I hope this answers your questions? and sorry for basically word-vomiting my entire life story, lol. this post got long; the main reason I’ve written so much fic is because I really just cannot shut up for the life of me. sooo if you can tear of that filter of being shy and just. say shit. you can go so far~!

OH and one more thing - I can’t believe I almost forgot this - but part of being a writer is participating in the community. this is code for LEAVE A DAMN COMMENT IF YOU LIKE A FIC. that’s how I made most of my fandom friends before Discord! I follow @ao3feed-silmarillion and stalk that blog for new Silm fics; I read the ones that interest me and comment on them.

I know this is not really the most common way for folks to find fic but it’s so rewarding to interact with new fic, new writers, new commentors, new stories - you can find gems that don’t rise to the top of the kudos/bookmark lists; you become friends with your fellow writers; you can watch people grow and change; you support smaller content creators. yeah, you might not be getting Just The Best Stuff, but it’s so so so worth it!!

and if you make friends in the comment section of other people’s fic - I guarantee you some of them will go to your AO3 profile and check out your fic, too! and they’ll leave comments! this is a fic community, and that’s what I cherish about fandom most of all, tbh.

anyway - again - sorry for rambling so much, but I hoped this helped! feel free to send in another ask, or to come talk to me off anon if you’d like! and definitely send me your stuff if/when you decide to share it; I would love to support you!!! <3

[shijiujun]

love in the dark | 2,189 words | TangFei

It’s the second time in three years they’re in this situation — stuck in a lift and sitting close to each other on the floor as they await rescue. Tang Yi can’t bring himself to hate it, because Shao Fei is here by his side, just like he was three years ago.

(an excuse just to briefly write chaotic but competent secretary!shao fei and also a tang yi who lets shao fei take care of him without much thought, for once)

--

For @florbexter ‘s July collection - Out of Order and taking one of her prompts out from her list! As always, flor is a hard carry for the Trapped fandom <3

--

“… you really should stop having coke in the morning so often,” Tang Yi says, looking at the man seated opposite him at the dining table with obvious disapproval. “Give me that.”

The man in question looks up suspiciously, then hugs the can of coke to himself, “You said I could have anything!”

Tang Yi opens his mouth to refute him, but Shao Fei, with his wide, innocent-looking eyes, is staring at Tang Yi as if he cannot believe that the man will go back on his word.

“I know I said I would fulfil a request of yours for inking that difficult deal on my behalf, but… don’t you want something else? New interns? A new car? How about a new coffee machine for the secretary’s pantry? Or even a few more suits? The last one is a good idea. You haven’t gone for a fitting in a while and there are a few new batches of prints for the autumn collection-“

“Tang Yi, it’s just one can of coke, I’m not even drinking a bottle,” Shao Fei interrupts with a frown.

“And no, I don’t want new interns because you hate having to deal with them and I don’t want to end up babysitting them either. Why would I need a car? Wherever you go, I go. Coffee machine? You buy a new one and I give it a week before Jack and Zhao Zi have it shifted to some other floor for themselves. I’ve got all the clothes I need. You won’t deny me this guilty pleasure, right? Tang Yi! Ah Yi, Xiao Yi Yi~”

He’s not wrong on any count. As always, Tang Yi finds that in front of one Meng Shao Fei, there’s really nothing that he wouldn’t give him. However, they’ve known each other for the better part of three years, and it really doesn’t hurt to try.

How long has Shao Fei been his secretary now? Almost three years in two months, Tang Yi notes.

And to think that Tang Yi was so resistant towards the idea of having a secretary and personal assistant for years, having a huge dislike for strangers following him that closely.

Now, Tang Yi and Shao Fei spend almost every hour together — working in the same office, staying in the same house, going on holidays, and hanging out lazily on the couch on off days among other things.

“Okay, just this once,” Tang Yi acquiesces, then reaches for Shao Fei’s mouth with his hand, his thumb wiping away at the remnants of coke on his lips.

Shao Fei doesn’t pay Tang Yi’s touch any mind, almost leaning imperceptibly into it as his attention is captured by the incoming messages on his phone.

“Hmm, we’ve got to go soon, Bai-zong is arriving at the airport early and I think he’ll make his way straight to us to talk over the deal,” he says, quickly firing off some replies to the messages he’s reading. “That gives us an extra hour before lunch, which means you’ll be able to attend that mini party going on in the marketing department? It’ll be good to turn up and show that you actually care about your employees…”

“I do care about all my employees,” Tang Yi returns dryly, getting to his feet. “Did you get the gifts for Bai-zong and also Xiao Man’s farewell party?”

His secretary looks up, a little affronted at the insinuation that he’s not fully prepared, “Of course! Tang Yi, how can you doubt me-“

“Alright, just get ready,” Tang Yi smiles, touching a knuckle to Shao Fei’s cheek in mock-admonishment.

===

Everyone is fond of Shao Fei, even though he’s not the type of character that most people will think of first when they look at the secretary role. Shao Fei is loud, boisterous, and sometimes even impulsive, creating trouble for Tang Yi when he’s not looking. It’s always the minor things though, like tripping over his own feet and dropping a tray of hot coffee onto his very expensive rugs once, or getting mad at a potential client for harassing Tang Yi.

Since Shao Fei assumed the role however, Tang Yi has to say there has not yet been a single misfiled document, late reply to an email or forgotten appointments. He’s also getting less complaints from his employees as a whole because Shao Fei is pretty much a guard at his door, fielding important requests from ridiculous ones. And since Shao Fei actually is a black belt in both Judo and Taekwondo, he plays the role of Tang Yi’s bodyguard from time to time if the situation calls for it.

Tang Yi remembers all of his employees’ names because this is his company, after all, but Shao Fei knows everyone. He speaks to every person they come across, and even when Ke-shu, the janitor that’s in charge of cleaning Tang Yi’s office and Shao Fei’s desk, comes in every morning to take out the trash, Shao Fei ends up chatting with him, asking after his granddaughter and if his knee is feeling better.

Shao Fei took a week off once, and it was only then Tang Yi realized just how much work he was handling.

“When are we flying to Beijing again?” asks Tang Yi, stepping into the lift.

“Next Thursday,” Shao Fei replies without even pausing. “I’ve already booked the tickets.”

It has been a while since the both of them took a break, and Tang Yi says so after some consideration, “We’ve got a bit of time this month right? Let’s extend the trip by a day or two.”

“Hmm… we could,” Shao Fei agrees carefully, his mind running through the meetings he has to reschedule if they do that. “Nothing important in the days after that inspection with the team in Beijing-“

He’s cut off when the elevator suddenly shakes with a loud scratching noise from the outside, and almost falling to the side if Tang Yi did not grab for him. The lights flicker on and off several times before the lift comes to a complete stop, and they’re plunged into darkness.

Shao Fei draws Tang Yi in unconsciously with one hand while the other pats at his pocket for his phone.

“You okay?” he asks, his hand sliding across Tang Yi’s back.

“… yeah, I’m good,” Tang Yi replies.

He tries to sound as nonchalant and steady as possible, but his voice still shakes a little. Shao Fei catches that tiny detail, and without another word, he brings the both of them to the corner of the lift next to the lift buttons and hits at the correct one to ring for help.

Tang Yi isn’t fond of enclosed spaces, and certainly not spaces that do not have light.

After communicating with the security guards in the building that he and Tang Yi are stuck in the lift, all they can do is wait for help. With that done, Shao Fei switches the flashlight on his phone on and leaves it on the floor so the entire lift is illuminated.

Looking at Tang Yi finally, Shao Fei frowns, noting how tightly wound up Tang Yi is against him. With any luck they’ll be out of here in another couple of hours, so he lowers himself and Tang Yi to the ground to sit.

“This reminds me of our first meeting,” Shao Fei chuckles, encircling Tang Yi’s waist with both arms. “We were stuck in a lift together too like this, do you remember? I can’t believe the both of us have the luck to be stuck here together, again.”

“… of course I remember,” Tang Yi exhales, letting himself lean into Shao Fei entirely and consciously forcing his fists to unclench. Then, “I really should get the lifts changed. Breaking down twice in three years?”

“That’s not too bad,” Shao Fei murmurs, resting his chin on Tang Yi’s nearest shoulder. “If we didn’t get stuck together three years ago, you wouldn’t have gotten the chance to know me and then you’d be down a secretary!”

After a short moment, Tang Yi laughs, “You mean when you nagged at me until I gave you a job?”

Shao Fei rolls his eyes, the banter on this subject familiar to him.

Now that he thinks about it, it’s a miracle and a half that they are here today, all because of a malfunctioning lift then.

The scene was almost identical to the current one. He was rushing for an interview in Shi Hai Corporation’s public relations department when the lift broke down, and it would be a few months later that Shao Fei found out why Tang Yi is so afraid of the dark and small, closet-sized spaces.

Then, however, Shao Fei began talking away to the handsome man crouched stiffly on the floor next to him, trying to distract him as much as possible, not knowing that this was the CEO of the company he was interviewing for. At the end of the whole ordeal, Tang Yi knew so much about Shao Fei that it would have been comical, if not for how much he hated the lack of light and fresh air in that metal box they used for vertical transportation.

When they finally got out, Shao Fei obviously missed his interview time by a few hours and with a soft sigh, he stuffed his printed resume into his bag and headed home instead.

Who knew that Tang Yi would give him a call himself a day later and ask if he was still in need of a job?

Half a year into his role, Shao Fei broke his arm protecting Tang Yi from an almost car accident, and Tang Yi forcibly moved him into his mansion.

He moved into Tang Yi’s house, into his bed and then into his heart and soul — and Shao Fei hasn’t left since.

“Don’t be afraid,” Shao Fei murmurs into his ear, and Tang Yi likes this even more than the previous experience he had with Shao Fei here, because today he’s being unabashedly held in Shao Fei’s arms. “You have me! Hold out just for a bit more.”

His heart aches for Tang Yi, and not for the first time, Shao Fei wonders if it’s acceptable to run to Yilan and sock Tang Yi’s foster father - from before Tang Yi found Tang Guo Dong, his adoptive father - in both the eyes and the nose for being cruel to a young, defenseless child then.

“Mnn,” Tang Yi nods in agreement, turning a little to look at Shao Fei. “I have you.”

Shao Fei’s phone finally runs out of battery less than an hour later and they sit for a while longer in absolute darkness, but the irrational fear that usually comes is absent today for some reason. Feeling the warmth of Shao Fei’s body around his and his arms hugging him so tightly, Tang Yi wonders if this is why he feels so anchored and safe.

They don’t have to wait too long for rescue. Hearing the metallic, loud clangs of equipment against the exterior of the lift, one moment they’re shrouded in darkness and the next, the door is pried open, allowing light to flood their surroundings.

Tang Yi’s eyes can barely open against the glare of the bright sunlight as his vision adjusts accordingly.

“Tang-zong! Meng-mishu! Are you both okay?” one of their staff asks, frantic as he stands behind the two firefighters trying to get them out.

“Trust the both of you to get stuck in a lift together again,” Jack is there too, and somehow that head of flaming red hair has never looked as welcoming as it does now. “The both of you okay?”

“We’re good,” Shao Fei answers next to him. Then to Tang Yi, “Tang Yi, let’s go!”

Tang Yi can only stare as Shao Fei offers his hand to him, his lovely smile so bright and his body almost glowing, bathed in the morning sunlight before Tang Yi’s eyes.

Ah, he thinks to himself, this is why.

Paying their audience no mind, Tang Yi puts his hand in Shao Fei’s, and uses the grip to tug Shao Fei in. Kissing him in front of prying eyes softly, tenderly.

“… what’s that for?” Shao Fei asks when they pull apart, his cheeks dusted with pink.

It’s not like their relationship is a secret at the company, but they’re not all that public with their affection for each other either.

“Nothing, just… I love you,” Tang Yi smiles back.

A few of their staff, including Jack, are gathered to watch them get rescued, and at the display of affection, plenty of ‘awwws’ and ‘oooohs’ go around. Jack opens his mouth to tease, as is expected of him, and Tang Yi chooses that moment to glare at him.

“Say one word and you can go without your bonus this year.”

Next to him, Shao Fei cannot help but burst out into mirthful laughter, his hand interlaced with Tang Yi’s.

Indeed, there is nothing to fear, not even the dark itself-

-as long as Shao Fei continues being his light.

==

Notes:

*zong from 总裁 - CEO *mishu from 秘书 － secretary

[fabelyn]

In Carcere Ch.38

Pairing: inahoxslaine (orangebat, inasure)

Rated: T Warnings: spoilers for series finale Chapter: 38/? (previous chapter) Word Count: 14k

Summary: At first Inaho visits out of duty and humanity. And then he finds he can’t stop going back to see Slaine Troyard.

“My Lord, they’ve arrived.”

“Good, bring them over.”

Watching his underling leave to abide by his orders, Mazuurek nearly changes his mind and follows him. It is, after all, disrespectful to not greet his guests at the landing site, or at least on the entrance to his Landing Castle.

Yet as he takes a step towards the door, he changes his mind once more and firmly seats himself on the sofa, intent on not leaving until Inaho and Rayet come to him.

It’s his own Landing Castle, and he fully trusts his own personnel.

And yet… he can’t help the fear that maybe, somehow, someone has managed to bug the room.

There is no reason for the supposition: nothing has pointed to any plans being leaked before now and he’s made a sweep of the room.

Nonetheless, Inaho Kaizuka’s visit is well known, so there is always a chance…

Mazuurek sighs and cards a hand through his hair. He knows what this is, it’s the anxiety and jumpiness of someone about to hear something life defining they won’t like. Which doesn't mean he can avoid hearing it.

He needs to finally know how Count Mikael’s L anding Castle was so brutally massacred.

The who he can at least guess at. Naturally it had to have been the UFE. Not because Mazuurek has any misconceptions about how good his fellow martian nobles are, but because they’d have done more damage by now if they could have, and the UFE would surely have been restless about what new Martian technology made such an attack possible underneath their radars. Instead all the UFE was focusing on was how martians could not be trusted to not kill each other even in times of peace. 

If his supposition was correct —all he needed was Inaho to confirm it— then the UFE would need to be put in check. Mazuurek has some ideas on it.

But first, he needed the details. How had the UFE managed to reach the Landing Castle without being noticed? How did they destroy their shields and communications?

The only way he could think was a traitor. Perhaps a martian had been promised riches and power if he murdered the Count, thus removing power from the Landing Castle and leaving it susceptible to attack? If so, it would have to be a very foolish martian to trust the UFE…

A maid comes in, interrupting his musings, bringing in a pot of freshly brewed tea and three cups. Mazuurek is glad for the interruption; his thoughts had been running in circles ever since the Landing Castle was found dead, there was no point to thinking about it.

The maid leaves, and before Mazuurek can begin to spiral again, another underling opens the door, this time bringing in Rayet and Inaho.

“My friends! Welcome!” Mazuurek springs up and goes to greet them in genuine delight. He is eternally grateful to both, likes them and trusts them; a combination he craves right now.

“Long time no see,” Rayet greets back with a smile.

“It’s good that you’re well,” says Inaho, and Mazuurek focuses on him, looking him over. Rayet had told him Inaho had been in the hospital, but whatever it was left no visible marks on any body part he could see.

Inaho understands his gaze and glances at their hide, who bows and leaves the room. “I assume we can talk unperturbed here.”

“Yes, there are no bugs,” Mazuurek says, then realizes how strange that sounds. “I mean, of course there wouldn’t be, but since you have something dire to tell me, I assume you need to be reassured. But please, you’ve just arrived, sit down and relax first.”

“Thanks,” Rayet says, already making herself comfortable. Inaho follows suit.

“So, first of all, how are you two? Rayet told me you had to be hospitalized, Inaho.”

“Yes. I was stabbed and hit on the head and suffered some minor internal damage from using the analytical machine,” Inaho replies, as tonelessly as if he were repeating the weather report.

“You… what? What happened? Who attacked you? I know I said I needed to hear some things with urgency, but if you need to go get treated elsewhere first please—”

“It’s fine. I was rescued and treated in time. I need some extended treatment for the damage done by the machine, but nothing that cannot wait visiting an old friend first.”

Mazuurek glances at Rayet, and she shrugs and nods, which he takes as reassurance. 

“I see, that’s good then. But, last time we spoke you had taken out that eye machine, why put it back? And why were you attacked?”

Inaho opens his mouth, but Rayet interjects quickly. “Actually, I think it’s best if we tell you the other thing you wanted to know first. This and that have something in common and I think it will be less shocking if we start from that first.”

Mazuurek raises an eyebrow. “Telling me the details on who murdered my fellow martians will be less shocking than who attacked Inaho?”

“Well, technically yes, because the tale of Inaho’s attack will raise a lot of questions so I think it’s easier to ease you in through the massacre.” Rayet stops and looks at Inaho. “And I’ll do the talking.”

Inaho shrugs.

Rayet nods, satisfied. “Okay, so, let’s not beat around the bush with this. Count Mikael and his entourage were murdered by orders from the UFE.”

Mazuurek sighs. “As I had surmised.”

Inaho looks at him. “Does it make you relieved to hear that?”

“Hm, not really. Whether it was done by other martian nobles or by the UFE, either option has it’s issues. Though I think the UFE… will be more problematic to deal with. Her Majesty, naturally, is unaware of it?”

“I have no reason to assume she knows,” Inaho answers.

“I’m sure she doesn’t. Still, to think the UFE wouldn’t be content with the status quo… honestly I understand that Count Mikael wasn’t treating terrans well and his occupied territory was being contested. And his disregard for Her Majesty’s orders were offensive… but I don’t like this subterfuge. If the UFE felt they had the right to reclaim the territory they should have been upfront about it, and taken the martians captive, not murder them all. That, and the secrecy means they’ll likely do this again with the next disobedient Count. If we don’t kill each other first, of course…”

“What do you mean by that?” Inaho asks.

“Possibly the other reason why the UFE won't own up to their deeds; there has been some… infighting between the nobility. People that have a past of being paranoid are pointing fingers at old enemies.”

“He said that would happen,” Rayet says quietly, towards Inaho, who nods in agreement.

“Who did?”

“A friend,” Rayet replies. “Look, if that’s the UFE’s agenda… we really don’t know. The upper echelons haven’t deigned to tell us anything other than orders of what to do, as usual. So if they’re planning another, we really won't know until they’re about to ship us out.”

“So you were involved in the murders.”

Rayet hesitates. “Mazuurek…” she begins, but falters, uncertain.

Inaho doesn’t have that issue. “Yes, we were involved in the operation. Had we refused, it would have still occurred, and we would be punished and likely not trusted to keep quiet about what we knew. Since the refusal would amount to nothing, it was better to participate and remain within their trust.”

“That and, like you said, it’s not as if we were killing innocent martians,” Rayet adds, certainty back.

Mazuurek raises a hand in appeasement. “My friends, I wasn’t intending to judge you for it, I’m sorry if it came across like that. I just need to understand how much you know. So, you were involved... please tell me how they did it.”

“Okay, please don’t get too angry but, first they managed to acquire a functioning skycarrier. Then they… threatened a martian to fly it.”

“They placed a collar on him that would permanently have incapacitated him according to the UFE’s will,” Inaho elaborates. “And then explained that even if he chose death, the UFE would simply risk using someone else to pilot it.”

So I was right that they have a martian working for them. Worse, he’s being threatened. If he had been offered rewards, we could try taking him in by offering more, but with this… only if we’re able to remove the collar.

“I see. Go on, Rayet.”

“So this martian flew on the skycarrier, got into the Landing Castle, requested a meeting with the Count and murdered him when they were alone. With his death the Landing Castle lost all power and we —that is, I and other UFE troops— were able to infiltrate and pick them off without warning.”

“Ah. Hold on. First of all, this martian would need to be able to fly the skycarrier. Then he would have had enough knowledge of Count Mikael to convince him to allow him to enter, and then further knowledge to receive a private meeting so quickly. Did this knowledge come from the martian himself or did the UFE acquire information from someone else?”

“The martian had the knowledge.”

“So the UFE’s plan relied solely on this one martian.”

“No,” Inaho explains, “The UFE’s plan without loss of terran life relied on the martian, but not the plan itself. Had the martian not been cooperative, or unable to pilot, or without that knowledge, they would still have risked sending someone. The difference would be that the moment the person had managed to reach the Landing Castle they would have detonated explosives hoping it would kill the Count or, at least, bring the martians into disarray, at which point the UFE would commence an attack while pretending to be martians.”

“Wait, what?!” Rayet jumps. “So if Sla—if that guy hadn’t accepted, we were going to send a suicide bomber?! Inaho, our friends were also training for the skycarrier ! Why wasn’t I told about this?” 

“Because I thought it was only logical that it would become a suicide mission, with little chances of success, had he refused. And since he didn’t, there was no reason to confirm if you understood what would have happened if he hadn’t.”

“... I own him, damn.”

Mazuurek watches their exchange with increasing curiosity. “This brings me to my next question: who is this martian? He can’t be a simple soldier if he had that much knowledge. I need to know.”

“Err, before we answer that, do you have any other questions? Because once we tell you, it’s going to open so many other questions.”

“Hm, I suppose, that collar that’s threatening him, can it be deactivated?”

“I wasn’t given clearance on how it was made, so I was unable to figure out how to dismantle it. If I ever acquire that information I can try to send it to you.”

Rayet nods. “Right, that’s where we stand on the collar, for now. Any other questions?”

“I understand deciding this is not on you, but do you have any indication that the UFE will do this again?”

“Nothing concrete, but we assume they will.”

“Then I really don’t have anything else to ask. Now, please tell me who this martian is.”

Rayet and Inaho glance at each other, before Rayet turns back to Mazuurek. “Actually, he isn’t a martian.”

“What? But everything you just said—”

“It was easier to explain it like that. The UFE has Slaine Troyard.”

It is so unbelievable that it takes Mazuurek a fews seconds to react, and it feels as if the ground is yanked from underneath him.

“Troyard is… alive?!”

“Yes,” Inaho answers this time. Mazuurek turns to him.

“Did you know this?”

“I was the one who brought him to the UFE.” Maybe Mazuurek’s altered state is making him confused, but he thinks Inaho actually looked… regretful as he said it. “Obviously, I was unaware that they’d use him for this. Or use him at all.”

“You handed him over without keeping tabs on what they did to him?”

“No. I handed him over and watched over his incarceration.”

“Hm, personally overseeing that your enemy never sees the light of day.” Had Inaho and Rayet just winced in unison? He must be more shaken than he realizes if he’s now outright hallucinating. “I guess I can understand that.”

Oh. “So that small town you were reassigned to… that’s where he is at?”

“Yes, though I would caution against any attempt to rescue him without meticulous planning first, the surrounding may not look like much, but the incarceration facility itself is difficult and the UFE will be alerted immediately if he’s removed.”

Mazuurek raises an eyebrow. “And why would I even consider rescuing him after what he nearly did to the terrans and his crimes against Her Ma—”

A sudden thought comes to him, and he swallows with difficulty. “Does… Her Majesty know about this?”

“If by ‘this’ you mean, that the UFE is using Slaine to attack martians,” Inaho answers, “then I assume she doesn’t, since we’ve previously established she is likely unaware they were behind it.”

“But if you mean, does she know that Slaine was being held captive, yes she damn well does,” Rayet spits out.

Rayets anger is surprising, and even more so when Inaho does not answer her with a logical justification. Surprising enough that Mazuurek manages to focus on that and calm down.

“So Her Majesty knows her enemy is in prison. Why does this upset you, Rayet?”

“Why?! Because she’s using him as a scapegoat. He’s being used and he’s still alive to suffer the consequences. I thought she, at least, was better than that! Oh, and apparently she even thinks he’s getting out one day!”

Mazuurek decides not to think about the last two sentences for now. “What of it? He is suffering the consequences of his actions. It is, I do believe, not dissimilar to his own deeds.”

“Excuse me? She’s blaming him for everything! How is that anything like Slaine trying to protect her?!”

“I find it hard to see it as protecting when he was using her image to murder terrans as a means of solidifying martian power.”

“By doing so, he was solidifying her status and removing any threat to her that wasn’t a coup d’etat.” Inaho says matter of factly. “And even a coup would be hard to come by with the martians pleased with the outcome. So in this sense, one could see how he was attempting to protect her.”

Mazuurek is slightly taken aback by Inaho’s attempt to defend Troyard’s point of view, but remembers it is just like Inaho to see the reasoning for both sides. He focuses on defending Her Majesty. “To do that, he was using someone in a disguise to look like her. In other words, Slaine Troyard was claiming the plan to attack Earth was hers. To terrans... to you it must have seemed like she was to blame for everything.”

He pauses, but neither Inaho nor Rayet retort, so Mazuurek continues.

“He used her image while she was unable to defend herself to forward his view. Her Majesty has simply returned the favor; he was using her image, now she will use his.”

“It’s not the same,” Rayet insists feebly, “He wasn’t locking her away—”

“Maybe not initially, but if she was free to leave or counter him after she woke up, she wouldn’t have needed mine and Klancain’s aid to escape and get her message across, would she?”

“But—but it was going to be for her sake! After it was done—”

“He was going forth with a massacre she never wished for and was actively against because he thought it best for her. Is that noble to you? If so, then Her Majesty’s reasons are even more so, she’s doing it to end warfare between two worlds. As for what would have happened had he succeeded… Her Majesty would have no chance to reverse the choice done in her name, whereas, as far as Her Majesty believes , Slaine will have the chance to speak his truth when he is freed.”

“You think she’d be willing to threaten her hard won peace as well as trust between planets to allow Slaine to defend himself?” Inaho finally asks.

“... Likely she’d try to strike a bargain with him—”

“What sort of bargain? Speak not against her lies and she will ship him up to a desolate island? Put him under plastic surgery and give him a new identity? Or maybe she believes by the time he is freed he will have repented so much he will willingly accept to shoulder the blame, and also assumes if she asks for forgiveness from the planets, no martian or terran would attack Slaine after his freedom?”

“... Likely the last option, probably…”

“And you think that’s the same?” Rayet demands.

Mazuurek’s deflating shoulders square up again. “Yes, actually. He would have left her to deal with the death of a whole planet . Lives that cannot be rebuilt; she would not have had to live a lie, but she would have to live with the knowledge her name opened the doors to a planet-wide massacre. It would have been at the least, just as cruel as Slaine’s end.” 

That leaves Rayet speechless.

Not so Inaho, who looks at Mazuurek for a second before taking up the debate. “For this decision to be right, you would have to assume no one but Slaine had slighted or hurt her. That no one but Slaine threatened Earth. However, others tried to assassinate her, and others were happily attacking terrans long before Slaine had any semblance of power. Yet she is willing to pretend they did nothing wrong, much less that they warranted forgiveness, as all actions were somehow mere puppet strings from Slaine’s design.”

“That’s… for the sake of peace and avoiding another martian fallout.”

“It’s not. If she wished for peace, truly, she would have blamed Count Saazbaum for most of it —as she should have— and Slaine for simply continuing his handiwork, as well as defined some light punishment so that martians understood actions against terrans would not be acceptable.

“As it is, it seems to me that it was not done in thought but in selfishness; that what pains Asseylum is not the destruction of Earth and killing of terrans, but that Slaine dared to use her name for it.”

“That's not true! You know she truly cares for terrans lives!”

“Yes, but her actions speak differently. You are correct in saying what Slaine attempted to do wasn’t good, and doing it for the sake of Asseylum is not justification to cleansing his hands of the blood he was willing to shed.” 

“So—”

“Which brings me to the issues I have with Asseylum’s punishment. If Asseylum wants justice, Slaine cannot be the only one to receive the blame for every action in the war and the other martians should also be paying for their lives. If Asseylum wants to dirty her hands and pick a scapegoat to ensure peace between worlds, Count Saazbaum would be the most appropriate and ideal choice given he is already dead, and he was the mastermind behind most of it, so a simple investigation would corroborate the lie.”

“But Slaine is a terran so—”

“As far as terrans are concerned, the fact that Slaine is a terran does not alleviate martian fault in this. Slaine is terran, but he was brought up by martians, used martian technology and martian soldiers to attack Earth. Maybe martians feel less guilt by thinking of Slaine’s origin, but terrans hardly blame martians less because of it.

“Which brings me back to the point I was making. Slaine is not the best or logical scapegoat. On the contrary, any attempts to study the timeline of events should easily cast doubt in the veracity of the claim, since it requires the belief that Slaine had the power, intelligence and means to begin orchestrating everything before he was even fifteen years old. And that is hardly the only issue to be found. Another—”

“Inaho, no need,” Rayet says quickly.

“In summation, the flaws and contradictions in claiming he is the sole perpetrator of the war are a danger that could end the peace and threaten any trust terrans have in Asseylum. Afterall, it would mean she attempted to place part of the blame on terrans to protect martians.”

Mazuurek sighs, defeated. “So you have issue with her plan.”

“Not just that. Mazuurek, what Slaine did wasn’t morally correct. And also partially incorrect when it comes to logical deci—

“Not now, Inaho,” Rayets stops him again.

“Fine, focusing on morality: Slaine’s actions were not just, or upright to terrans, and it was expressly against her wishes, which he was aware of. I am not condoning his actions. However, Asseylum’s actions regarding him are equally not laudable. At best, I could accept that she is punishing him equal to the pain he attempted to cause her, by using his name to further her agenda, and locking him up forever to pay for the lives he was willing to take. However, if she refuses to acknowledge this as sheer revenge, then I cannot accept that he is locked up. Especially since I —and both of you as well— are aware that the truth is that he will never be free of that cell alive. 

“If she claims it’s mercy, or that it’s for the sake of the planets, I cannot stand by her side as it’s false. She cannot call it justice when every other martian is free, either. In light of how everyone else has lived after the war, Slaine Troyard has served more than enough sentence.”

“...I can’t imagine Her Majesty going out of her way to strike at someone for something like personal revenge,” Mazuurek eventually says weakly.

Inaho shrugs. “I can’t either. So either she is more lacking in sense than I originally thought while we were together, or she’s obtusely not acknowledging her own rage.”

“It may be a tragic combination of both,” Rayet says, looking down at her own hands. “There was nothing I could have done that was more short sighted than attempting to kill her.”

“You tried to—” Mazuurek begins and nearly jumps out of his seat, but Inaho makes a motion for him to sit down again.

“She wasn’t the only one,” he says, but doesn’t explain further, and instead starts talking as if analysing to himself. “Rayet blamed Asseylum and lashed out despite blatant knowledge that she was not the one at fault for her family’s demise. And the other person also had no reason to blame Asseylum for her own misery. I suppose if even they struggled to admit their own hatred… someone who is used to blocking out all darkness and negativity, who actively strives to be good and make others just as honorable cannot possibly understand, much less accept a desire to do harm to someone else for no reason other than revenge. Even if there’s cause for it.”

“And it’s not like she has anyone near her to tell her otherwise…” Rayet muses.

Mazuurek and Rayet look at Inaho pointedly, who frowns. “I can’t read minds, what is it?”

“Well, if anyone could talk to her and point out her mistakes… it’s you.”

“In fact, I feel this is now necessary to enquire… Why did you leave her side and simply not tell her what she was doing... wrong?” Mazuurek adds. “If you wished to ease Troyard’s sentence—”

“I defected from her side long before I—” there is a strong pause in Inaho’s words, and an ensuing smile from Rayet “—began to truly consider the fairness of his sentence. From the beginning I saw flaws in his punishment but I was not initially empathetic enough towards his plight to attempt to enforce something different with her.” 

He stops abruptly, looking far away and when he begins speaking again, it feels heavier. “Would I have more power to change Slaine’s fate now if I had not left her side then?”

“Even if you had stood by her and tried to advise her, you would have failed,” Rayet says with certainty.

“...That’s... not incorrect,” Mazuurek surprisingly joins in, though he looks pained to utter each word. “There are too many martians keen on maintaining this charade now. They’d riot before allowing such a convenient lie to fall.”

Inaho blinks again and frowns, and lifts a hand to massage his temple. “That… was actually my initial conclusion, when I left. I know it may sound like an excuse to claim this only after you two have pointed it out—”

“It’s fine,” Rayet assures him. “You’re smarter than this. As soon as this conversation is done we’re shipping you straight into the doctor’s arms. You really need it.”

Inaho sighs, but agrees. “Yes. It’s coming back to me now. Asseylum took a while to go back to Earth. At that point, she’d already delayed the war by decreeing a cease fire.” He halts, glancing at Mazuurek, maybe expecting an objection. But while Mazuurek had been uncomfortable at the word ‘delayed’, he makes no attempt to claim she fully stopped the war. Even he is too aware that so much resentment would not disappear simply because the nearly winning side chose to forfeit at the last minute.

“Not only that,” Inaho continues, “but she also made it so no martian was at fault. Many of my comrades died, Slaine was hardly the only one to blame. Yet that wasn’t all: during our brief time together, I told her my view on wars, and how to end them. They aligned themselves more with Slaine, I've since found out. Asseylum’s choice completely disregarded all that I said.

“And… by the time we met afterwards it was too late to take it back. Martians would revolt the moment they felt they would suffer for their actions, and Asseylum’s credibility and life would be at stake, if not forfeit. It was pointless to make her see how wrong her dreams were, and if it wouldn’t bring any better results… I saw no reason to risk her life.” He pauses. “I still don’t want her dead, or harmed. I cannot condone her actions, or see any intelligence in them or her current rule, but I don’t despise her. However, I care little for her credibility, save for the fact that it is tied to her safety for now.”

No one has anything to say after that. Mazuurek hides his face in his hands, back hunched, for a few minutes before letting out a long drawn out sigh and straightening up again.

“I see,” he finally says, looking steadily at Inaho. “First and foremost, thank you for once again trusting me. You knew my stance towards her Highness yet still trusted me enough to tell me your contrary views. I appreciate that. And, well, I guess I can’t hate you for your views. Let’s see… you put a lot of importance in the logical thinking and the results of one's actions. I get that. I understand the importance of that. However, I feel the heart is also vital. I’ve seen people ruled by greed and selfishness before, I want a leader that has a good heart, that truly wants to help others. I… concede that Her Highness may not have gone the smartest route. But you have to understand that she isn't as brilliant as you. She doesn’t have the knowledge or the oversight to see.” 

“She’s always been the first one in line for the throne,” Rayet interjects harshly, “how is it that she never considered studying politics and such to prepare herself to better serve her people?”

Mazuurek’s gaze is soft as he sweeps a look at them, pitying the harsh life they must have led. “What I’m going to say isn't fair, but it’s the truth. Because she’s young . She spent two formative years in a coma. She was loved and, yes, likely coddled. You two are above average in intelligence, with one of you likely a genius, and you both suffered. Suffered differently but suffered nonetheless. You had to learn to grow, you had to learn to think to protect yourselves or others. What is natural for you to do, isn’t simple for others to consider. Her Highness is well meaning, and truly a good person, but as unfair as it was, she did not have a background to force her to grow up quickly.”

“I know,” Inaho says, “That’s why I don’t hate her for her actions. What you said explains why she fails where one of us three might not have, but it doesn’t make it tolerable for me to accept. Not when she was told and saw otherwise.”

Mazuureks nods. “I understand. I accept that you cannot forget her mistakes. And I see why these mistakes are made worse by her royal background. But just as you cannot stand her much due to her actions, I cannot condemn her for actions, which I admit were not the best, when I see the heart she puts into them. I won’t fight you for not accepting her, but I will defend her where I can.”

Inaho nods and smiles slightly. “My analytical machine was never wrong when it judged people, and it seems that that trustworthy part of you hasn't changed. I don’t have any issue with your continued loyalty to her, but I won’t disregard all the flaws in her actions when talking to you. As for what you’re planning to do…”

“Ah, I’m not sure yet what I will, or can, do. I’m not like you.” Mazuurek chuckles. “I mean, my worldview just turned upside down, I’ve had to open my eyes to issues I’ve been ignoring and found out information I had never considered possible. All I know right now is the UFE cannot continue as it has, nor can the martian counts continue to do as they will while disregarding her Highness. Her, and mine, wish for peace between both worlds isn't going to work like this, but annihilation of either side isn’t an option for me. So, I’ll think of something.”

Rayet frowns. “Be careful, the UFE and the martians are tricky, backstabbing people with eyes everywhere. Don’t act out too rashly, whatever you do. We don’t want you next on the hit list, even if we recluse ourselves.”

Mazuurek chooses to ignore the stab at martians, understanding it as Rayet trying to look out for him. “Thank you, I will do my best. I can’t promise anything however, I will do what I think must be done for my objective. If that leads the UFE to attack me… I will understand even if you choose to join the attack for the sake of your loved ones. Slaine, however, I will have to shoot down.”

That has both of his guests make terrible faces.

“You don’t want him to die… it seems you both are hoping he is set free?”

Rayet glances at Inaho, and he stares back. Mazuurek can see hesitation from Rayet and, more surprisingly, also hesitation from Inaho.

“My friends, what are you keeping from me?”

It’s Inaho that answers. “There is information that we’re beholden not to tell, but we will warn you of anything that endangers you, like what we have done with the UFE. And there’s one information we haven’t said because it changes nothing and I didn’t think it was relevant.”

“Well, it’s rare for us to meet and talk freely, so even if it’s unimportant, I don’t mind hearing it.”

Inaho sighs. Rayet looks at him with pity and answers for him. “Inaho… and this is going to sound unbelievable… Inaho is in love with Slaine.”

Mazuurek blinks. He blinks again. He takes a deep breath, then grabs his cup and downs his tea in one go.

“Alright… Inaho is in love with… the boy who nearly succeeded in destroying terrans who Inaho then took down and incarcerated?”

Inaho sighs. “Yes.”

“Well… my condolences.” 

There was a pause.

“That’s... it?” Rayet demands incredulously.

“I’m not sure what else you were expecting. I don’t know Slaine Troyard at all outside his actions to have an opinion. Knowing Inaho, I’m sure this declaration doesn’t come lightly. And I can empathize with having feelings for someone when your positions are complicated.”

Rayet perks up. “Oh? So you’ve been in that situation?”

That decomposes Mazuurek momentarily. “N-No! I’m sorry, I worded that incorrectly I suppose. I meant that even if I haven’t experienced such a situation, ever , I can’t imagine it’s a good one to be in. I hoped you both, and your friends, would go on to live simple and happy lives, but if you’re smitten with Troyard… you’re in for a tumultuous time, no matter how things play out. I’m truly sorry.”

Inaho nods. “Thank you.”

“Are you not going to ask me to avoid shooting him in the unlikely scenario that the UFE targets me?”

“I don’t see the point. I know you have a duty to your people first, you won’t risk all their lives to save Slaine, no matter what he means to me; and it would be self defense if you did.”

“I appreciate that. Indeed, I will take care of my own as a priority, but since you’ve told me what to expect… I’ll try to think of a way to keep myself safe without killing him. Starting with that collar… I’ll see if I can’t find out how it was made, and then how to safely remove it.”

Inaho creases his brows lightly. “If you ask around about a device that only ever surfaced on Slaine’s neck during that operation…”

“I have a person, a… friend. He might have some leeway into UFE classified information, and I know he won’t sell me to the UFE.”

“For this friend to have enough leeway to procure how the collar was made, he has to have enough knowledge to have known what the UFE did…”

“... And didn’t tell me. Yes, I’m aware. But it seems these days all my friends keep some things away from me. I don’t blame you for what you haven’t said, and I won’t blame him for his either… if he can help us now. But I won't be able to get a hold of him too quickly, maybe in a few weeks.”

“Please be very careful, don’t let your friendship cloud your judgement.”

“I won’t. And I promise to keep your feelings a secret.”

“Too many people have found it out already, but I need to keep the information very far from the UFE’s ears.”

“Of course.”

Rayet suddenly smiles and elbows Inaho. “Hey, hey, isn’t Asseylum’s maid here? Pity we can’t tell her .”

“I don’t see why,” Inaho says, then turns back to Mazuurek. “More importantly, this needs to be repeated: whatever you choose to do with the information we gave you about the UFE, make sure you don't become the next target.”

“I will take utmost caution. Besides,” Mazuurek sighs, “if the UFE strikes again, and we know it will, they likely have a target already.”

“Oh?”

“Count Percival. He was keeping a low profile before, but since the massacre at the Landing Castle, his underlings have been causing a commotion, insisting it’s all an UFE ploy. Although the Count has been smart enough to not outright agree with the accusations himself… he certainly hasn’t been seen punishing or forcing people to retract them.”

Inaho considers what he knows. “And Count Percival is stationed near France, which has a large terran settlement, meaning a larger audience for the allegations and an easier time spreading them. I saw no word of this in my base town, which means the UFE has managed to contain the spread of it, at least for now. Then again, it’s a small town of mostly UFE linked people, they’ll be one of the last to gossip about it.”

“Pretty much, the UFE has made a statement that they will demand reparations and should the defamation continue, they’ll open an inquiry in court.”

Rayet snorts. “You mean, in terran court? Like a martian count will give a damn about that.”

“Indeed. Initially I assumed the threat meant that they were hoping Her Highness would act, or that she would accept to enforce a judicial decision, if it came to that. And she has attempted to stop it, but it’s been ineffective so far—”

“As usual,” Rayet says under her breath, which Mazuurek pretends not to hear as he continues.

“But with the information you’ve given me, I see now that the UFE is just pretending to go through legal means, and are likely setting up for another round.”

“However, to attack the Count that has been denouncing them might be too suspicious,” Inaho muses, “unless they plan to make it look like an attempt to frame the UFE by martians. It might prove too complicated to pull off. And they can’t have the Deucalion as near as it was in the last attack—” He flinches, even this little effort has pain shooting through his head.

“Okay, enough thinking for now,” Rayet says, “like you said, maybe they aren’t going to do anything fast, or at all, to not make it too obvious.”

“No, I’m sure there is a way… but you’re right, I can’t strain myself right now. Mazuurek, if they do move against this Count, what will you do?”

“That is quite the dilemma. Unless I notice suspicious movements, I think I might not even know when they attack the Count, since I’m sure you two will be beyond communications by then, and even if you did manage to call me… it would just frame us all.”

“Does that mean you plan to warn him?”

“...But if I warn him, he will shoot Slaine down, and maybe even attack your friends too, that’s what you’re worried about, isn’t it?”

Their silence is confirmation enough.

“... I don’t know. He isn’t a good person. He would rather lay low and not fight for too much power with the other Counts so that he has more freedom to do as he will. I have heard reports he treats his people, even the martians, abysmally, and it’s why he allows them to be so aggressive towards terrans; it gives them an outlet for their anger that isn’t him. But that doesn’t mean he, and all his people, deserve to die.

“However… however if I do warn him, I will have killed Troyard, and endangered both of you and your friends. The possibility of another war breaking out will be almost certain, and I have no doubt that the fact I was the informant will leak out, which will endanger my people… and doubly endanger you both for having told me.”

Mazuurek bends over and hides his head in his hands. “I see, I will have to let him die. Knowledge without power is truly a burden.”

“We’re sorry—” Rayet begins, but he stops her.

“No, don’t be. Even if having to decide who lives or dies is painful, I’d rather make it then not know. Even if I can’t save their very next target, maybe I can do something in the long run. Or at least protect my own. I can’t imagine the burden this has been for you, to have to go along with this. Let’s share the burden, and work on it together.”

*

He watches them leave and when he’s finally alone, Mazuurek collapses on the nearest chair.

It was too much too fast, it was amazing what Inaho and his friends could handle it so easily, he wishes he had half their acceptance.

His worldview had been turned upside down too quickly. The UFE’s nefarious plan, Troyard’s continued existence and participations… he would never have drawn this conclusion on his own. As for the burden of knowing what might happen to his fellow martian Count in the future… he’ll have to live with it.

But he had been suspicious of the UFE, and he had always been aware that his power was not enough to save anyone away from his sight. What had hit harder was being forced to hear and acknowledge criticism of Her Majesty he could not counter.

Perhaps from the start something inside of him had known her choices were not the best, but he’d been so glad of a ruler he could trust he’d never bothered to analyse them. It had taken Inaho, someone who had gone to great lengths for Her Majesty, calling out every issue for him to be able to admit that yes, mistakes —costly, life affecting mistakes— had been made.

He’d asked Inaho why he had left her side instead trying to steer her into the right path…

Mazuurek feels guilty about it, and regretful he never had the chance to get his thoughts in order in time to apologize.

Genius he might be, Inaho was also so young, and had done so much. No one had a right to demand more of him.

Especially not Mazuurek, who is loyal to Her Majesty… and yet has been spending his time focusing on his own patch of land.

He’s visited her, though he mostly talks to Klancain. Yet he never joined in when it came to discussing the future.

Her Majesty is stuck being the image of people for two opposing planets, and Klancain is stuck trying to manage the operational side of it, and Mazuurek had never really offered much other than his continued loyalty. 

Perhaps if I am so loyal to them, I should stop focusing so much on my own land and think of what I can do to steer her towards a better path for both worlds.

UFE needs to be taken out, or at least lowered in its power and reach of the terran population, so that it has no capacity to murder and get away with it.

But the martian counts also need to be brought to heel, and obey their rulers.

Lastly, in respect of Inaho, he must avoid harming Troyard at all costs. Not just because he’s promised, but because if Inaho, who has never asked for anything selfish, loves him, Mazuurek feels it’s his duty to give him that.

He thinks back to his brief conversation with Troyard, when he was at the height of his powers. He was so young, yet so certain and implacable. Strong to hold the position he did as a terran…

Mazuurek snorts. While he cannot like Troyard, the thought of that boy in a relationship with Inaho is... hilarious. And terrifying.

But that would require Troyard to even like Inaho back. Mazuurek had been under the impression he’d loved Her Majesty, or perhaps that was just unhealthy loyalty. It’s not as if he has any recourse to know more…

Oh, but he does.

Mazuurek presses a button. “Please have the maid Eddelrittuo bring me my afternoon tea. Two cups.”

This is going to be fun, Mazuurek thinks, already laughing quietly. And while he waits for her to arrive, he’ll think of what he can do to steer the world into a better path.

*

Eddelrittuo tries to not shake her hand too visibly as she is finally convinced to sit down opposite Count Mazuurek and accept a cup of tea.

“Is something wrong, sir?” She asks with hesitation. She’s aware of who had just come by, but cannot fathom what they may have said to have her be brought here.

“Ah, not much. Inaho and Rayet just left. I’m sorry we didn't summon you while they were here. I hope you didn't want to say something to them?”

Was that it? She relaxes. “Not at all, it’s been too long since we’ve been acquainted, there is nothing to say. We... weren’t close.” She’d despised him for part of it, in fact.

“I see. It was nice talking to them, even if the past is sad, there’s some comfort in being able to reminisce with old friends. So much happened, that Slaine Troyard…”

Eddelrittuo tries to not to flinch at the name, or the memories. She nods silently and looks down at her drink to try and focus elsewhere.

“Speaking of which... Eddelrittuo… you were by both Inaho and Slaine’s sides for a while, were you not?”

The question is not unexpected, so Eddelrittuo warily nods.

“Both Inaho and Slaine were quite magnificent during the war, weren’t they? The war would have been over much faster even either of them hadn’t been there.”

She’s not sure where he’s going now, is he about to blame her for not harming Troyard? It doesn’t seem like him, so she just nods again.

“It makes me wonder… if circumstances were different, would they have been friends? Maybe more?”

Eddelrittuo stares at him for a bemused moment, then giggles. “More? Like lovers? Right... Thank you, sir, that was funny.”

Mazuurek smiles. “Fine, maybe I was joking about the ‘maybe more’ part, but I mean it about the friendship.”

“...I think they’d just end up fighting for Her Majesty’s hand.”

Mazuurek chuckles. “You seem very clear on them both being in love with Her Majesty. I certainly cannot speak for Troyard, but I wonder about Inaho. I have no doubt he liked her; the certainty he had that it was not her speaking to the public, and the risk he took to give back her pendant speak for themselves. And that’s just one thing he did. He liked her, but was it romantic love?”

Eddelrittuo hesitates. It’s hard to say, and the period she spent with the boy was too long ago, mired in a haze of fear, distrust, institutional racism towards terrans, and a certainty that her charge was too superior to anyone to not be immediately desired by everyone. Not to mention, the boy in question acted too strangely, and had less expressions than a robot.

Had Inaho been in love with her? She couldn’t say for certain now. Perhaps he had, or perhaps it had been her twisted, fluffy interpretation of everything. It had been too long; Eddelrittuo was no longer a young child and was embarrassed to acknowledge how badly she’d acted, and how much she lost by not truly paying attention. 

At that time, away from home and in territory she felt belonged to inferior beings, Asseylum had shone too brightly. In Eddelrittuo’s mind back then, how could any boy, especially an inferior terran one, not fall in love with her?

Mazuurek seems to understand she’s unable to truly answer and interrupts her train of thought. “No need to dwell on that. Do you really think they would never find enough ground to like each other?”

“I just can't believe it,” she squeaks out. “They were enemies. They personally fought each other!”

“Perhaps, but what if they were in a situation where they weren’t on different sides?”

She’s curious enough to reflect on it. Whereas Inaho’s feelings for Her Majesty is too much of a hazy area for Eddelrittuo to analyse, his personality in general and Slaine’s own are easier.

“Slaine was… strong. And protective, and loyal, and good at piloting, and strategizing and good at leading and manipulating. Inaho… was protective, and loyal, and good at piloting, and strategizing and…!” She realizes she’s been listing the same things and blushes. “BUT! He wasn’t that good at manipulating! And he was only a leader because people trusted his plans. And he’s cold and calculating while Slaine was emotional and followed his heart and... uh… Slaine… Slaine was much better looking.” She flushes with the confession. “That’s what I can remember!”

“Opposites attract.”

“...Does that mean that Count Mazuurek likes coldhearted and manipulative people?”

Mazuurek chokes, despite Eddelrittuo not having seen him eat anything. “No! I don't like anyone coldhearted— I mean! I don't like anyone at the moment! It’s just something that happens, sometimes. Sometimes people like people that are similar to them. But I wouldn't know either way! My point is… maybe Inaho would appreciate what Slaine has— had that he hasn’t. And while I can see why you view him as cold, he isn’t, he just doesn't show it as much, so perhaps Troyard was simply externating the same warmth Inaho has inside.”

Eddelrittuo is self aware enough to understand her judgement is too partial, yet she can’t help but frown at anyone calling Inaho ‘warm inside’. 

“All I can think of is Inaho making an thoughtless comment and Slaine trying to choke him,” she admits.

“Trying to choke him for the comment?”

“No, for his existence.”

Mazuurek laughs. “Are you perhaps not a little biased?”

“...Maybe. I apologize, I will try harder sir.”

“No need, I’m sorry I’ve put you up to this… would-be scenario without reason. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, I’m sorry.”

Yet, now that Eddelrittuo has been forced to think and, moreover, finally has been given an opening to speak about Slaine without needing to act like he was the villain, her thoughts are racing.

“...Hm.” It’s surprising, but an image comes clearly to Eddelrittuo’s mind. “Inaho is probably better at making plans, but Slaine would be better at thinking about how people would act. They would bicker, because Inaho has no filter and Slaine struggled to hide his own disagreement. But they would agree on a plan eventually. When it came to tell others what to do, Slaine would make an impressive speech to motivate them. Inaho would try to explain the plan but do so in a way that makes it more confusing, Slaine would probably scold him later. They’d make the plan a success. They could make ruling the planets a success.”

She pauses for breath, the thoughts she would never be able to vocalize anywhere else rushing in. “Slaine was emotional, but he’d been taught and forced to hide his feelings and be civil. He didn’t forget or forgive slights, even if he smiled at the person, he kept up a polite façade until he could pay them back.” Something she’d learned watching from the sidelines as he stabbed even his benefactor in the back. “If he couldn’t forgive Count Saazbaum, could he forgive Inaho if after shooting him down he had brought him aboard?”

“I’m sorry? Bring him aboard?”

“Oh, I’m sorry sir, was the exercise only in the scenario that they had both met before the war began?”

“Not at all, I’m just not aware of what you meant.”

“Slaine once took a skycarrier to come rescue Her Highness. We… were unaware he was on it and Inaho shot it down. It’s… one of my biggest regrets.”

“Don’t, how would you have known? Although, if that happened, I wonder how much Inaho regrets it now.”

“I don’t think he’s been told who he shot down at that time.”

“Hm, I wonder.”

“So you see, maybe Slaine would have wanted vengeance. Ah, but… but the Count had harmed Her Highness, Inaho had harmed Slaine himself…”

She shakes her head and tries to focus again. “Inaho says what he thinks, he’s rude and doesn’t consider the tone or interpretation of his words. I think Slaine would be vexed by that, like I was, because he was taught it was wrong, but he would probably secretly want to be able to be as carefree as Inaho. He… he didn’t really hate Inaho, I think? The few times he spoke of him in front of me, it felt more like resentment because of Her Majesty and his own plans but… I think he also admired his skills, too. Being able to logically think about everything while saying what he thinks freely… I don’t think Slaine would hate that. I think he would appreciate it, after all he had to deal with. And he’d agree with Inaho’s take on war, and revenge, and his ambition, and his loyalty…” she breathes out. “I suppose I could see them being friends…” 

If only he hadn’t been killed. If only Her Highness had listened and given Slaine just one chance…

Her eyes fill with tears.

It’s pointless to even think of this, because they made mistakes, because they lost their chance to have Slaine on their side, because Slaine is dead.

Yet even for a pointless exercise she could barely answer properly. What had she done with her young life, that she’d spent so much time around these two boys and barely knew them?

And now she’s hiding away, squirreled away under Mazuurek’s guidance, with years of her life misused, having gained nothing but a sense of guilt, yet barely no memories or knowledge that wasn't traumatic warfare.

Mazuurek offers her his personal handkerchief, and Eddelrittuo forgets to refuse it.

“I’m so very sorry. I shouldn’t have sprung this on you at all. Please forgive me for these pointless wonderings, especially since they touched on this.”

“It’s f-fine. It’s just… so sad. That he died. He wasn’t that bad! Really, he wasn’t!” She realizes too late what she’s saying to one of Her Highness’ staunchest supporters. “Forgive me, sir, I’m saying silly things.”

“It’s alright, I’ve heard similar opinions earlier. But I must apologize again, I never knew you were so endeared to Troyard. He seems to endear people to him quite a lot.”

“I’m thankful for the chance to be able to say something nice about him, so please pay my outburst no mind, sir. But even if there were people that liked him, it’s not as if it helped him any.” She gives him a watery smile and tries to go back to what her Count had wanted to focus on. “Maybe if they had been friends though…”

Mazuurek has no reply to that.

*

“You know,” Rayet says tentatively, when she’s certain they’re alone. “If it bothers you this much to have your feelings spread out… just stop the plan?”

Inaho doesn’t even consider it. “No, this has to be done. It’s not as if it’s bothersome; Slaine suggested I attempted to visibly react whenever it’s mentioned so it seems less forced that you are blurting it.”

“Uhuh, well, your acting skills are surprisingly good, then. Still, why are we doing this… thing to Mazuurek? Can’t we just tell him what we’re after?”

“No, while Mazuurek can be trusted, we can’t be sure about whoever he trusts. I don’t think he’s the sort to gossip, but this can still be used as proof later if someone doubts it. Not to mention, to explain what we’re after we'd have to reveal the possible uprising.”

“I guess. But damn, I hate this… 4D chess nonsense or whatever. You are telling people you are in love when you aren’t except you are.”

“Like I explained. Slaine suggested I go around saying this, because he thinks it’s not true.”

“And you agreed to it, you masochist.”

“You’ve said that a few times.”

“I’ll keep saying it so long as it’s true.”

“... I agreed to it because it was logically sound and nothing else would work as well.”

*

“However, if you are correct, the person behind this insurgence plot will be coming to you before I am back, at which point you will be asked for your position in all this. Which brings me to conclusion two: we need to decide on how you should act around this person even if we don’t know what we want yet. And I assume your opinion on Asseylum will be brought up.”

“So... figure out the best way to present myself so they think... what we want them to think?”

“I think you need to present yourself as still harboring hatred for terrans.”

Slaine nods. “Yes, which will be easy enough, given my actual situation.”

“Regardless of your actual feelings towards her, you will have to act as if you resent Asseylum.”

Slaine, surprisingly, doesn’t balk at that. “Yes, that is the best way; they won’t trust me to aid an uprising against her if I don’t. Don’t look at me like that; I’m not so frail that I’ll break over pretending to have feelings I don’t know if I have or not.”

Inaho would rather avoid he have to do it, nonetheless, the last thing he needs is the pretense forcing Slaine to analyse his feelings for Asseylum while he is miles away. Nonetheless, he knows nothing short of resentment will convince martian insurgents Slaine is on their side.

“Fine, as for the details…”

“Actually… Inaho…” Slaine fidgets, tugging at his pendant. Not a good sign.

“Yes?”

“I’ve been thinking lately… we need to come up with something for you.”

Inaho thinks, then nods. “I suppose. You mean this mastermind may decide I’m too much of a liability going forward otherwise.”

“Exactly. Right now you’re useful since you’re helping me and Lemrina, but as their plan moves forward, having you anywhere near us might become a danger to the execution of the plan… if, that is, they assume you will be against an uprising.”

“Yes, I need an excuse that will make them believe I wouldn’t stand by Asseylum and Earth, so that they’ll rather have me live for longer to be useful to them. I doubt anything I say will convince them to trust me, but if we can trick them into thinking I would be a tool I can guarantee mine and my friends’ lives long enough to enact my own plans, whatever those will be.”

Slaine nods.

“You have a good point, do you think the leader will come to me during our time apart?” Inaho asks.

“I don’t know. Maybe they’ll decide to do it after talking to me, maybe I can drop hints of it, or we can have Lemrina report it…”

“It? So, you already have an idea of what I should do. Go on.”

“...You should pretend to be in love with Lemrina.”

“...What?”

Slaine manages to force out a chuckle, “Well, it was either that or pretend to be in love with me . I’m sure you think Lemrina is the better choice?”

Inaho just stares at him, and Slaine wonders if the wound to his brain is even more grievous than he thought, if Inaho isn’t thinking logically of this.

“Look, set your feelings aside here and be logical like you always are. We need them to believe you have some reason to want to help martians and oppose the UFE. I know you go to great lengths for your friends, but the people in power are going to have a hard time believing you’d risk so much and would upturn a terran government for that. Especially because that will endanger all your other friends.”

“Asseylum—” Inaho begins, but interrupts himself. “I see, people may assume I was in love with her—”

“I still wonder if you really weren’t.”

Inaho ignores his interruption. “And regardless, aiding her was in the best interest of Earth.”

Slaine feels relieved Inaho isn’t too far gone yet. “Exactly. Love is considered a stronger emotion. Claim you are in love with Lemrina and even if they are distrustful of you, they’ll want to believe it as you’re more useful alive and on their side than dead.”

“...That makes sense. It’s a stretch, but there is no other reason for me to want to go against the UFE and aid martians,” Inaho concedes. But then hesitates. “However... Slaine…”

He looks troubled. Inaho never looks troubled.

“...Yes?” Slaine asks, fee ling apprehensive i n turn.

“Do you really think Lemrina is the best option?”

“...No, no I didn’t but… I was hoping you’d have some insight to change my mind.”

“Lemrina will clearly be the figurehead they use to usurp Asseylum. As such, even if for a while, they’ll give her power for a transition.”

Slaine nods dejectly. “If you claim to be in love with her, they’ll fear you might attempt to be by her side, and would become an influence for her. Not to mention marrying her if she ever reciprocated.”

“So, you understand that the best option is…?”

Slaine flinches. “I wouldn’t say best if you can’t even spit it out. But yes, it would be better for you to pretend to be in love with... me. That will mean in their eyes you won’t be trying to reach the highest power, while ensuring you are favorable to my escaping and helping martians gain more power. But Inaho, you are going to have to pull off making people believe you’re in love with me .”

Inaho closes his eyes and massages his temples.

Slaine tries to laugh but it sounds too dry to his own ears. “See? It’s too much.”

“...Bat,” Inaho says through gritted teeth, still massaging his temples. “I am sure by your constant scathing comments that you’ve noticed that I don’t… emote as openly or regularly as one is normally expected to. I’ve been told, quite often, in fact, that I look like a cold individual even to my friends. And you think I can pull off convincing people I am in love and that it is not a ruse ?” He sighs but continues, “Then again, I can’t see any other option. However, I don’t need the analytical machine to tell me the odds that this will fail regardless of who I am… pretending to love.”

Oh, so the issue isn’t me. “Actually, if you think about it,” Slaine says, feeling brighter somehow. “The fact that you are completely unreadable does help. It means you won’t have to practice acting lovesick. And if anyone questions why they never noticed you being in love before? Just use the excuse that you were just being unreadable. We can use your actions so far as proof instead.”

“... What about my actions?”

“Oh, don’t worry. I’m not saying I think your actions were of a romantic nature. But the line between very friendly and in love can be blurred so we can use that. All the things you have done for me, improving my living situation? Love. Fighting to give me better food, better games? Love. Coming here in the midst of a storm to protect me from a guard at the risk of your own life? Love. Oh, wow, now that I think about it, it’s really easy to misconstrue your actions.”

Inaho makes a strange noise at the back of his throat and places his head down between his hands. “I’m glad my actions can be… misconstrued as such, for this situation.”

Slaine beams. “Right? It’s almost scary. If this is how you act towards me, I wonder how you will act when...or if, I suppose... you actually fall in love.”

Inaho doesn’t answer, and Slaine decides to not push him over potential future loves, especially now that he would not be able to act on it even if he did find someone to love. “Okay, what will be a challenge is if people directly ask you why you are in love, what you see in me and so on.”

“I’ll manage that.”

Slaine is surprised with the certainty coming from Inaho. “Really? Because you will have to think of things to say. And don’t purple prose, you’ll fall flat.”

“It’s fine, I can just… fixate on physical features of yours and say I’m keen on them, like your eyes—”

“What about my eyes?”

“...They’re a unique color so it’s a feature that stands out. I guess I could say they’re… captivating.”

Slaine feels heat rising to his face and with horror realizes he’s flushing. He ducks his hand and barks out a laugh to hide it. “That’s good! The combination of looking a person in the eye and using a word like captivating would be believable if I didn’t know you better! Oh, that's it! When in doubt, just do that thing you always do.”

“What thing?”

“You know, where you look someone straight in the eye unblinkingly and say something without looking fazed. It’ll give extra credence. If you can do that while saying you love me, it should do wonders,” Slaine says and, for some reason keeps going to add, “Why don’t you test it out now?”

He realizes what he has just asked Inaho to do immediately, and tries to backtrack. “Ah! Sorry, I don’t mean to tease. I mean, I guess it would be funny to hear you say something so ridiculous… but! If you can say it to me with a straight face, we know you can say it to anyone.”

There is a long pause, and Slain has the distinct impression that Inaho is hesitant; which makes little sense, since Inaho is logic first emotions second. Before the silence can stretch too long, Inaho lets out a breath.

“You have a point,” he says, and his tone sounds almost defeated. “Let’s try it then…”

Inaho sounds so serious Slaine finds himself squaring his shoulders and sitting upright.

Inaho looks him in the eye, expression more solemn than usual. “I’m in love with Slaine.”

Slaine’s vision grows dark… and he realizes it’s because he has slammed his face into his hands. 

“...That… okay that was believable , good job but it’s just too…”

“Awkward,” he hears Inaho supply, and the word sounds so muffled Slaine wonders if he too is hiding his face.

“Yeah, that. We’ve determined you can do this so let’s uh… never do this again and pretend this didn’t happen?”

“We are in complete agreement. Now, for how you will be acting…”

The change of subject for something serious is very welcome, and Slaine immediately composes himself. “I don’t think this should change how I pretend to act towards you.”

Inaho nods. “I concur, that means you’ll distrust me and will be more willing to help the martians and not the terrans. But now, would you be aware of my feelings? My false feelings I mean.”

“I think if you had romantic intentions with all you’ve done, I’d have picked it up by now.”

“...”

“So I guess it’s better if I claim to know. I could add that I’ve been leading you on to get better arrangements, while secretly hating you and terrans.” Slaine pauses and feels the needs to add, “Fake, obviously. I haven’t been leading you on. With our friendship I mean.”

For the first time since they’ve started talking, Inaho cracks a small smile. “I know. Shall we practice you acting as such?”

“I don’t think it’s necessary. Unlike you, I had to spend a few years faking my emotions. Also unlike you, I did hate you for a while, so I think I can manage. Asseylum would be the harder part, but I’ll think back to Lemrina’s words about her and use that.”

“Fair enough, now let’s get through the details of what we’ll be saying, so that our versions are fully aligned.”

“Yes, let’s.”

*

Doctor Yagarai’s personal notes.

First Day of Treatment. Subject IK.

I’d been warned beforehand, but I hadn’t expected this extent of damage. It is akin to when the subject last used the analytical machine. I’m loath to use the words bad luck, but I can only concur that the concussion happened in such a way that the areas of his brain most damaged had been hit. The medical reports from his hospital stay were woefully lacking in too much detail over his concussion, and by now I fear requesting more information will be pointless and too late.

… Knowing my subject, it’s more likely that he did use —

Dr. Yagarai pauses and quickly deletes that last line. Even if this is his personal notes, for his eyes alone, there are some thoughts he cannot risk being found. He will take them up to the Deucalion’s Captain later, in person, however.

It seems the vestiges of the foregone damage are deeper than previously expected. Then again, it’s not as if the subject has been passing his time in a relaxed environment, as prescribed. 

And that jab, he plans on writing on his official reports, too.

How much, thus, is this retrocession caused by the physical harm, and how much by the stress forced on him? I’ve previously requested clearance to follow the subject closely and was denied, I don’t see that changing now, so I can only muster baseless conclusions for now.

It’s clear the best possible option would be a steady and longer treatment this time. However, I’ve been forewarned my hands are tied; I was told to increase dosage to ‘fix him’ (such a ridiculous thing to say, yet they still did) as soon as possible. Thankfully medical knowledge was on my side and I could, at the very least, come to a compromise where the subject will be given proper treatment. It won’t be for as long as I want, but it will be for enough time that the damage will be removed. However—

He stops typing again, nervously looking over his shoulder despite this being his personal room, with not even a camera in sight. He ultimately chooses to delete the last word and stop his notes there. The rest of his observations he will only personally say out loud to the Captain.

*

“Mazuurek! I’m happy you called,” Klancain effuses, happy to be able to say something with genuine affection for once, even if he knows this isn’t a mere courtesy call.

“I know this is earlier than our scheduled calling time…”

“Nonsense, it’s always good to hear a friendly voice.” He would normally have replied he knows it must be urgent, but he assumes Mazuurek wants to hide why he wants to talk to Klancain. 

He’s proven correct.

“Indeed, but recently I’ve felt too alone. Each day I think of the fact that martians are now killing martians and I can’t rest. Some friends have just visited, and it made me realize how important a physical meeting is between friends.”

There’s a subtle stab in there, too hidden for a third party, but too clear for Klancain himself.

Mazuurek has just told him he knows, and is vetting Klancain for the extent of his own knowledge.

“True, perhaps we should meet and talk about ways we can stop such infighting from happening again, I could do with a friendly face, too.”

And with that, he’s confirmed Mazuurek’s suspicions, no doubt.

“My dearest fiancée has too many responsibilities as it is, and she’s too much of a lady, I don’t think she’d enjoy the idle chatter of two grown men.”

“Oh, yes, I would never dream of troubling Her Majesty.”

The fact that you truly mean that statement, my friend, is why I must regretfully keep you out of the loop for as long as I can. 

“Precisely. My next opening is a few weeks from now, let’s see, how about on...”

The call ends briefly after that, though Klancain believes Mazuurek has not sworn off their friendship yet, despite having been kept away from the information on the UFE’s scheme.

Should he have denied any knowledge? It might have been for the best if he had; an inquiry on what he knows would devolve into how and the extent of his information network within the UFE. He can easily feed Mazuurek information without revealing his future plans, but he had wanted to keep their relationship as it was.

It was selfish, really. Mazuurek was better served knowing at least what the UFE had done, yet Klancain had stalled, both from wanting to enjoy the companionship without that, as well as wanting to see what Kaizuka would do.

That had paid off; it’s clear now that Kaizuka’s visit had the singular goal of telling Mazuurek what had happened, which was further proof Kaizuka was willing to aid martians, if only the ones he counted for as personal friends.

His relationship with Mazuurek may or may not take a plunge at his own lack of forthcoming, but as painful as it was, Klancain knows they hardly have a future. If he cannot get Mazuurek to defect from Asseylum, he will lose him eventually. He just wishes to prolong it as much as he can.

But now, he has a more pressing concern to focus on: who should he visit first, Mazuurek, or Slaine Troyard?

*

Slaine had been prepared to feel the loss of his pendant immediately.

He was distraught to find the loss wasn’t as painful as he’d expected.

Maybe it’s because he gave it up willingly; it’s not something stolen from him. And it’s not as if he sees any actual chance of Inaho not coming back eventually to hand it over. In a way, he feels as if he hasn’t lost the pendant; he has simply chosen to keep it around someone else for a while. If anything, Inaho’s serious reaction to his silly gesture had been more than he could have asked for, really, and he has been left with no regrets.

That, and ultimately he has spent too much time without the pendant, so it’s not as if the lack of it is new. 

Still, ironically its absence makes him think of it more than he did when it was around his neck. It was, after all, the last gift his father had given him, during their disastrous trip to Mars.

“Keep it with you always, I’ll tell you about it when you’re older.”

And then he didn’t get the chance. How many nights had Slaine stayed up, trying to open the pendant, hoping it had the picture of his parents or an heirloom? But it didn’t open, it didn’t have that function.

Actually… I wonder if the design itself had some meaning? A form of terran coat of arms maybe? Ah, but Inaho had it for so long, he’d have figured it out by now. Or maybe he did, but assumed I was also aware and didn’t see the point of bringing it up, it would be just like him. I’ll have to ask when he gets back.

… Then again, what would be the point? Anyone associated with the Troyard name has been either lynched by now, or changed names. His mother’s side… either way, no one was going to want to associate with him anyway.

However… family… something nags at him, a question at the very back of his mind trying to surface...

“I believe there’s a terran saying… penny for your thoughts?”

Slaine jolts, and realizes Harklight is in the cell with him, smiling.

“I see you’ve kept up your skills of silently appearing anywhere.”

Harklight’s smile widens. “I should hope so, but in this case I think it’s because you were miles away.”

“Ah, well, I was wondering about inconsequential things.”

“Even so, you can tell me.” 

Slaine is about to deny him again, but looking at Harklight is what he had needed to finally recall the question that had been buried.

“Actually, I was wondering, what happened to the Emperor?”

“What do you mean?”

“He abdicated in favor of… his granddaughter, but I didn’t hear that he had passed.”

“I heard he’s actually doing better now that the weight of ruling is no longer on him, to the point that no one expects him to die anytime soon.”

“Hm, normally I’d assume that’s a lie but… he’s already abdicated and allowed the current ruler to do as she wishes, and no one is aware of Lemrina, so it’s not as if his status changes the power on the throne.”

The problem was that Slaine needed information on aldnoah that he did not have. Some rules were clear: if whoever used their aldnoah to power a piece of technology died… the technology would lose power.

However… what became of people granted aldnoah rights if the Emperor who gave them that power died?

The Emperor was the first and only one they ever had. He was the one to grant most of their power. When his son died, so did his closest supporters, so it was hard to say if they too had lost any power he had given them.

If he had died, and the martians maintained their aldonah… it would mean they could kill the current ruler without fear. In fact, it would be wise to kill her as nothing but their own demise would remove their power in that situation.

So maybe, the former Emperor had to be alive. Yes, it could be this is why there was so much caution surrounding her ascension, and why this insurrection sorely needed Lemrina: if the former Emperor is alive when they dethrone her, he could remove martian aldnoah rights as punishment, and they’d need Lemrina.

Perhaps, in fact, this is one of the main reasons why the insurrection is being so slow and careful, with no actions yet. They could be hoping for the Emperor’s death, to further remove any hold the current ruler had over other martians.

I need to talk to Inaho about this. How much does he know about the aldnoah power exchange? More importantly, how much does the UFE know?

Oh yes, because if the UFE thought all martians would lose power at the death of their royalty...

Maybe he should feel flustered at all the questions he can’t answer, all the possibilities he can’t seek out himself. 

And yet it makes him feel somewhat alive.

*

“That bad, huh?” Magbaredge says somberly, then sighs. The other three people in the room, Marito, Mizusaki and Yagarai, also have grim expressions.

“Yes. I managed to stave off the higher ups and have Inaho receive treatment for the next two months, at least, to be extended if need be.”

“So why do you still look so troubled, doc?” Marito asks.

Yagarai glances around the room.

“This place is safe, possibly the safest aboard the Deucalion, as we check it for bugs regularly,” Magbaredge says, “even if I can't imagine how someone would be able to enter and bug it without our knowledge.”

“Better safe than sorry,” Marito retorts, to a glare from Mizusaki.

It’s enough reassurance to have Yagarai talking, especially as he has too much he wants to get off his chest. “A few things trouble me, actually. First, I feel that they are only paying me lip service, and if their plans require it they’ll simply cut short his treatment at will, and we know Inaho won’t —and can’t— object. But… that would mean…”

He doesn’t need to finish the sentence, as tension fills the room. Although he had been miles away when the UFE had used the Deucalion to kill off the martians, his friends had briefed him on it afterwards. If the UFE had a dire need for Inaho, it would be to do it again.

“... We knew that would never be a one time thing,” Magbaredge eventually says. “This all but confirms it. And… our hands are tied.”

Marito snorts. “We had more power when we were all alone fighting the whole of the Martian front,” he says bitterly.

“Yes, but as things stand if we go against the UFE, either we do so by admitting what they’ve done, and usher in another war, or we say nothing as to why we are disobeying them, at which point the martians will aid the UFE in putting us all down. We must survive, for the children's futures, at least.”

“You are wise as always, Captain,” Mizusaki beams, then turns to Yagarai. “You said that was your first issue?”

“Ah, yes. The other thing is Inaho Kaizuka himself. The damage is… suspicious. A concussion bad enough to result in what should have left some other lingering damage. Maybe the treatment wasn’t as effective as I imagined, but I can’t help thinking that he used his analytical machine.”

They consider it. “Kaizuka Jr. is the sort that would do that, if needs be, though that would imply there was a need. What really went down during the storm?”

“He didn’t tell me, but we were in the medical facility, which I cannot vouch for the safety of.”

“Got it, we’ll haul him up here for the usual ‘meet up with old pals’ and lock him in this room til he talks,” Marito rubs his hands with glee.

“Unless you plan on waiting more than two months for that chance, you better promise me you’ll be gentle. I will not have more stress on him if I can help it. But regardless, I will not be allowing him to leave the medical facilities for a week at least. We’ll see how he responds to treatment first and only after his condition is stable will I consider allowing him to do anything that may prove to be emotionally or mentally strenuous.”

“Yes, mum.”

He ignores the comment. “But there’s something else, too. Well, usually I’d say it’s another possibility to his having used that machine, but this being Inaho Kaizuka, I feel like it’s both. I get the impression that he wants the reports saying his mental state is fragile. I got that from our first treatment too, but I assumed it meant he wanted to bow out of further being used by the UFE.”

“The smartest move, really.”

“Yes, but that is the thing. Before, I had suggested that… given how novel the treatment is… how unique his injuries are… and how there really isn’t anyone capable of truly countering my conclusions… I suggested I could perhaps… ah… err on the side of caution and claim he could do no work at all, as any form of responsibility would harm him. He refused, he wanted to be seen as capable still, just not too capable. Since that wasn’t a lie I agreed to it.

“And now I’ve implied I can do this for him again, and I would even have more basis for this claim, but he’s refused again. He wants to keep walking this tightrope where he is well enough not to be recused but not that well. I don’t understand why.”

“We’ve had this conversation already; thanks to that massacre we know what he went on to do, who he wants to keep watch on, if you will.”

“And all thanks to Captain Magbaredge’s keen observation skills!”

Yagarai hesitates. “Yes, I recall. It’s just… I dislike coming to conclusions based on my instincts, yet… there was something in his eyes—”

“Amazing you could see anything in his expression, maybe the damage is serious.”

Marito’s comment is once again ignored. “I feel like this time it’s different, it’s not just about not being forced into work he isn’t interested in. This time it’s as if he wants to be underestimated , while remaining inside the UFE fold.”

“...If your observation is correct, it means Kaizuka Jr. is planning something. When I get a hold of him, we’ll see. Don’t worry about it, just focus on treating him and leave any possible plans of his, to me.”

“Thank you.”

*

In the darkness of his bunk bed, Inaho lightly touches the pendant. 

He no longer needs light; he had held it for so long, and looked at it so much, he can see its pattern just by tracing it’s grooves with his fingers.

It’s a testament to sentimentality, really. He had once used his analytical machine on it, hoping for some form of communication to Asseylum hidden inside. Of course, nothing had come of that, and all his analytical machine could tell him was that the metalwork was too old for it to give him a creation account. Still Inaho had persevered, logically assuming his machine would not be able to pick up on aldnoah, and maybe keeping it close to him at all times would prove useful. 

In the end the one result was a lingering attachment towards the item, aided by the meaning behind it and, ironically, it’s one use came by giving it away.

Now… if Inaho had been more attached to feelings, he might have refused to take it back.

But Slaine had seen the exchange as a gift, and how could Inaho deny any little show of friendliness Slaine was willing to give him?

He hated, however, that it would put him in a similar place to Asseylum. The pedestal Slaine had put her on, would insult Inaho to be given.

Yet that wasn’t the most discomforting reason he had almost refused. The main reason was that, while for Slaine the gift had a hopeful, positive meaning, to Inaho holding the pendant is a burden of guilt.

Failing to bring its rightful owner aboard the Deucalion after shooting him down, failing to ask more about Asseylum’s supposed friend, to the point he never even knew the pendant was his, failure to protect Asseylum from being shot and taken away, failure to do anything but watch Slaine live out his imprisonment. 

His head hurts. Inaho breathes in and out deeply for a while until it subsides. 

He made mistakes, he knows that. But so did everyone else. He knows that. Dwelling on that now is counterproductive. He needs recovery, and fast.

Nonetheless, the pendant is a conflicting thing. The trust and warmth he feels for being given it willingly feels as warm as the weight of the failures he cannot help but associate with it.

The faster he can return to Slaine, to hand him his pendant back personally this time, and not for any ulterior motive like with Asseylum, the faster he can be at peace with it.

-

-

-

-

Notes:

-I hope everyone has been well, safe and healthy. The lockdown actually forcefully gave me the downtime I needed to force myself to finally get through to write the part that I couldn’t no matter what. The Mazuurek scene, for example, had been partially completed since I released ch37. Eddelrituo’s scene had to be reworded for reasons, but had its draft done since last year. The rest were the difficult bits to write. My creative drive was basically all stuck doing Mazuurek’s debate, and as the rest of the chapter is mostly set up… I just seemed incapable of pinning down words.

-But difficulty doesn’t mean it’s okay to take two years for a chapter. I sincerely apologize to all of you, I read all the comments and they remind me to not stop no matter what, but I know the delay has gone beyond reasonable. For those who still read this even when they’ve been following this since the start of the publishing dates, I appreciate your patience with me, I don’t deserve it. I hope i can do better in the future.

-I’ve been made aware that apparently after the last episode “to strengthen the bond between the two planets, an Aldnoah Reactor is created to give Aldnoah activation power to everyone on the planet. And the Vers Empire would be the ones to export the Aldnoah power to the Unite Earth”. Words cannot express how idiotic this is, much less its lack of feasibility. Are they saying people don't need to suck dic- I mean exchange fluids with someone with aldnoah rights and that this reactor does the trick? Even if that’s it, giving everyone the power to use aldnoah isn’t a good idea, it’s a disaster. I can’t decide if I disregard this or attempt to fix it into something sensible, if that’s possible.

-Schrodinger’s Emperor. I am conflicted about how this thing works: I was under the assumption he had to be alive, because if he died surely everyone that sucked his dic- his saliva to gain aldnoah rights would lose it. When Asseylum nearly died, it’s shown as if only the Deucalion (directly powered by her) is affected, but then again, she never handed rights to anyone… except she did. Slaine. The ultimate question is if Slaine could power the mechas because Saazbaum gave his rights, or because he still had Asseylum’s power. I’m thinking it’s the latter, as I feel as if I’m forgetting some example of him managing to power stuff up and being surprised about it. Of course, this in turn means that we have a Schrodinger’s former Emperor here: he can be dead, he can be alive, because it means power already given to a person isn’t revoked by death of the giver, only by will. But if he’s dead, and noone lost power, why have Asseylum be so powerful? She becomes in fact the last roadblock to power, so clearly just murder her. However… if he’s still alive and no one knows he can die and they still have power (because few people know Asseylum suffered cardiac arrest), then of course no one will risk it… If anyone has enough memory of the show to give me examples that confirm or deny all this, please tell me.

-Inaho and Slaine’s plot: I checked this with my beta. I reflected as much as I could (and boy did i have time for that) and sincerely continued with this plotpoint. Ultimately there is no other excuse I could think of that would be better to give a martian insurrection to convince them Inaho is not a threat but in fact willing to work on overthrowing Asseylum. A lust for power? Nope, he can have power if he just asks Asseylum. True peace? Nope, there is no guarantee this group will bring more peace to both people than Asseylum has. He has no reason to wish revenge on the UFE either. The only slightly plausible explanation would be his being in love and needing the change of government because of that.

-Protip for any writers planning to do a long fic. For the love of god, make notes. I don't mean the obvious “write down the main plot points you're planning to have” but detailed ones such as “X and Y have deep talk in ch 00” because I sure as hell did not and every single time I find myself needing to reread my own fic to try and scrounge the details of what I might have written somewhere and which, though minor, would impact if i now had the characters saying/acting contrary to the info already given. Imagine having to search through over 200k words every time. Don’t do it, keep detailed notes.

-Special thanks to my beta, who not only is forced to fix all my mistakes, hear about and debate plot points with me, but also saved story flow by literally reminding me Eddelrittuo had expressly acted as if Slaine was dead back in chapter 15, as I was about to have Mazuurek tell her Inaho is in love with Slaine in this chapter, you can likely still see the vestiges I could save of how that would have played out in the fic.

[psychoticparadox]

Introduction

So here we go again... I can’t even begin to guess how many times I’ve tried to be consistent with my blogging, but here goes another attempt.

As I go through life, I witness changes in myself & my environment as a whole.. Experiences build me and mold me, etc. Hopefully I am evolving throughout this process, but life is a roller coaster and I’m somehow still hanging on.

So, let’s get into this introduction a bit more with an ABOUT ME, shall we?

I think a proper greeting is due, so....

HELLO THERE! *waves*

My name is Angel. I am a shy introvert that over-analyzes every damn thing. Its both a nightmare and some cases enjoyable; depending who appreciates it and/or encourages it...if that makes sense. Some people admire my deep over-analyzing to details and therefore it energizes me and makes life as a whole FUCKING AMAZING...and simply put; WORTH LIVING. I literally crave this and thrive on this. This is my drive and simply put; keeps my crazy ass going.

Others will throw up road blocks that cause me to literally CRASH... I just shut down and become isolated, too afraid to share my most inner desires, dreams, identity, etc. When I shut down, I literally go into psychosis and helplessly drown in my own head. Often times, I contemplate suicide, as I feel so lost and engulfed in darkness... surrounded by loneliness and severe depression/anxiety. My self worth is fucked during those moments as my drive is deprived from my surroundings. 

I am a Cancer Crab Zodiac, but was suppose to be born as a Gemini. My mother was pregnant with me for 10 months vs the “normal” 9 months. So I tend to take on both zodiac characteristics which makes shit even more fucking complicating. 

I went to college for (too fucking long) for Psychology, Nursing, Law, and Arts. My passion seems to mostly be future based as a whole with whatever my surroundings may be. This means I may be adaptable, but also skip around like an ADD fucktard. 

Which brings me to my next “about me”; I studied Psychology due to my vast diagnosis. I have been diagnosed with the following..... *clears throat*.... oh wait, I’m typing....so um..... *cracks knuckles*....... 

Schizophrenia, Bipolar 1, ADD, BPD, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, Narcolepsy, Cataplexy, OCD, Epilepsy, CPTSD, Aspergers, Legally Blind, Dyslexia ...the list just keeps going.... 

By now, I’m sure you’re thinking... “HOLY FUCK THIS CHICK IS NUTS”..... yes, yes I am, but it also helps me see the world so different at the same time, and helps me be more understanding. If I could explain it in a lump-sum, it helps me see the world in different shades of colors others may not see. I see many are misunderstood and therefore went into Psychology to help anyone else through their battles. I had to face most of my battles alone, in silence, and don’t want anyone else to feel how I did; alone. Its one of the worst fucking feelings there is, and I thrive in helping others problem solve, plan for the future, come up with a game plan, etc. I find the human mind so fascinating and just can’t help but gravitate to increasing my knowledge of it. Even though I already have my Doctorate's in Psychology, I still can’t get enough of the mechanics of how we operate as a whole, as no one person, no one illness, is the same. And I find that amazing. I am thinking of going back to school to get my PhD in NeuroPsychology, as this is only a few more years and will educate me further. This will allow me to study brain scans in a Psychologist way. Fucking neat right? Naw? Eh,,,,I’m odd. *grins*

People often think that because I am an INTJ (Introvert Intuition Thinking Judging) personality, that I lack feelings and emotions, when its completely the opposite. I am an empath and my crazy mind throws that into my own mess of more shit for me to over-analyze as well, so I tend to show my emotions in silent, or with those closest to me I trust. Around the “right people”, I am quite driven, nurturing, loving, protective, loyal, outgoing, etc. I realize I may come off as arrogant, and even seem to have narcissistic behaviors, due to being so shy and my illnesses, and severe CPTSD. I am usually pretty reserved at first, and mostly observe others and listen. Once I know how they ‘tick’, I then will open up pieces of myself I feel may be appropriate/acceptable. I try to give others inspiration and drive. If I feel a part of me will do them no good, I keep that piece of myself quiet. Sometimes its unavoidable and my moods/actions are uncontrollable, and I try to be as communicative about my situation as I can, but most of the time I am at war in my own head and can’t even communicate to my own damn self, so its even harder to push that communication to others during those times....then BOOM.....domino effect. They feel worse as well as me. So overall, I try to only talk if whatever I have to say will be of aid, not to just “fill the silence”. My head is so loud as it is, so it does make it harder to push through my own internal noise as well. 

As humans, we are our own worst critics it seems. This can be both beneficial and chaotic...and in some cases, (such as mine), completely disabling. To use this to our benefit, we must use it as lessons vs criticism. We need to grow and learn from our own thoughts and actions, as well as others, and NOT be criticizing it. Its hard to do, but the more we feed each other supportive inspiration, the brighter each of our futures will be. See what others have passion in, and fuel the fuck outta it. When you fuel others, you will fuel yourself; trust me. We are all empaths to an extent. We feed off each other. Most of the time this is referred to as “energy” and “vibes”....but its true. Whatever you put out into the universe will always return back to you... so I always quote “Spread those good vibes, y’all!” 

Now, if you’ve made it this far in my post, first let me just say THANK YOU. This means a lot to me. I felt (and still struggle with this to this day) of feeling invisible and secretly hated... so when anyone shows any interest in me, I light up. 

So onward of the whole “about me” I suppose, as well as my intro to this blog.

I needed an outlet to pour my mind into, as well as help others connect to me in a deeper way since I struggle with communication. My mind will literally overflow with thoughts that need to be thrown up somewhere, so heres one place they’ll go. I also plan to vblog on YouTube. I am a streamer on Twitch as well. I am on Facebook, Instagram, Discord, and will spread into other social medias as I see fit. 

I started streaming on Twitch October 27th, 2019. It changed my life in many ways. I started it to build a safe place community/family, and it has been amazing. I cannot be more thankful for our community family. I mostly do the “Just Chatting” feature on there, but stream game play from time to time, and multi-stream with others as well. I mostly focus on helping others with therapy chats for free & run on a ‘donation/subscription” basis. 

I absolutely love music. I’m obsessed with Rick & Morty. I used to be obsessed over Pusheen, and as I still have a place for that adorable feline in my heart, the obsession kinda faded. 

I love to game and favor adventure slash games and FPS mostly. 

I enjoy drawing anime, even though I have no interest in watching it. Go figure.

I write poetry from time to time. I also make jewelry, paint, etc. I love to design; whether it be decorating, technology based, fashion related, WTF ever....LOL I see it as an artistic way to plan I suppose?

I am a very misunderstood individual and hope for understanding for myself, as well as others. 

I will end this post there for now, and add on when the urge comes. I hope y’all stick around and enjoy my company. 

~peace & love~

xoxo angel (^_^)

[1d20ocs]

Homebrew: the Furmulus race [WIP v1.0]

Alice blinked at the white rabbit, and the rabbit blinked back.

Well, no: Alice had seen rabbits before, and this wasn’t much of a rabbit at all. Rabbits were about four feet shorter and didn’t have any thumbs; they certainly didn’t wear frilly dresses like this rabbit-girl did. Rabbits also didn’t tend to hop out from nowhere, get right in a person’s face, and ask who that person was in plain Sylvan. Some fey might do that, but the fey Alice had seen before looked more like butterflies than bunnies. 

“I’m a cat person, actually.” Alice answered, using humor to mask her surprise.

The rabbit-girl frowned at that. Her humanoid nose twitched as she looked Alice up and down. “No you’re not.”

“But I am.” came a voice from above.

Only a bit more beastly than a humanoid wearing costume ears and a tail, the furmuli are an animal-like culture of people native to the Feywild. They’re thought to have been created by a more powerful version of the Awaken spell, though they can’t make regular beasts into more furmuli, the original method and the knowledge of who had originally done it now lost to time. 

On the shorter side and positively pastel, most every furmulus is friendly and personable, able to get along with all but the most evil of people. They’re simple creatures, caring more than careful, who work better working for someone else than being left unsupervised. Even so, families of them might be found off the beaten path nearly anywhere, perfectly happy with or without visitors. 

Caution: they might follow you home.

Soft and Fluffy (Physical Description)

Furmuli all have very pale skin, and their eyes are never a dark color either; both are almost always warm hues between pink and yellow, though the eyes sometimes range toward blue. Oddly-shaped pupils aren't uncommon, though they're not common either. Their fur and hair are all the same thing, only a shade at most off from white; they'll never call themselves just white, though, meaning a furmulus colored the palest of lavenders would think of themselves as very purple. 

All furmuli have animal-like ears and tails; what animal they resemble varies from person to person. Though the ears and tails always resemble a preexisting animal - typically some at least semi-domesticated land mammal - rather than being a shape all their own, the ears and tail do not necessarily match. The ears grow up from where most humanoids have their ears, sticking out of the tops of their heads from the sides, while the tail grows from the tailbone. 

Every furmulus has black eyebrows and whiskers, the latter of which form a small number of lines across their cheeks, close to the skin and so not as useful as a typical beast's whiskers. They can’t grow facial hair over those areas, though mustaches and goatees can grow even on some women. Furmuli are furry practically from birth, with puberty not making them any hairier. They grow whitish fur over their chests, backs, and limbs; body shaving is very uncommon, with only the head (including the ears) and tail typically being styled by even the most fashion-conscious furmuli. Because whiskers are sensitive, cutting them is taboo and they are rarely touched outside of grooming. 

Furmuli have rounded features, with no real sharp ends or edges, going from baby-faced to wrinkled over the course of their lives. They dress mostly in whites, reds, and golds, and most enjoy wearing complex frills and designs. They normally choose to dress like children regardless of their age, though they otherwise put an effort in to clothe themselves to match the cultures around them. 

Domesticated (Personality)

Furmuli typically refer to themselves as animals (saying "that cat" instead of "that furmulus with cat-like ears"), and take to creative combinations of words to refer to their own combinations (a "cabbit" for cat-like ears and a rabbit-like tail, or vice versa). They might say they’re “furmuluses”, or otherwise play fast and loose with the intricacies of language, with a fondness for combining words in odd ways or simply inventing new ones and hoping those around them can follow along. Other furmuli always keep up with ease, so they don’t realize they’re doing it even when other races ask them to stop. 

Family and familial love are the most important things to a furmulus, who would do anything to make their loved ones happy. They consider friendship or purely romantic love to be weaker forms of familial love, and would express any strong love in terms of family. They think of spouses the same as best friends or blood brothers, for example, with the romance between them being a personal matter. 

Being native to the areas that put 'wild' in the Feywild, Furmuli have a naturalistic understanding of the world around them. Rather than worshipping any specific gods, they consider concepts themselves to have power; a furmulus might ask Trickery itself for help with a prank, or will Life to help heal an injury. Though they have nothing against cultures that speak to their concepts through entities, what deity or archfey chooses to reply to their requests isn't something most furmulus would think much about when using divine magic. It’s very possible that some patron deity, perhaps whoever made them to begin with, is looking out for their oblivious child race.

Although most furmuli would rather run away than face conflict, being cornered or witnessing others cornered will convince most furmulus to fight. They lack any beastly means of doing damage, but would do their best to end a battle with at least their words; they would rather resort to biting than give up and let someone they care about be hurt, but would really rather do neither. A furmulus could be tricked into needless violence or into letting something bad happen by inaction, but would be unhappy to find out they had done harm. 

Sylvanian Families (Culture)

Furmulus culture is extremely collectivist; the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one. They do not normally differentiate between different types of ones, and would be baffled or even offended by cultures where there are common people suffering while a small percent prosper. The ideal for the furmuli is a society with minimal internal conflict and maximum happiness, rather than a society with the most wealth or power.

Their communities are usually made up of a few clusters of families. They're usually governed by an individual or a small group, who are expected to make decisions themselves when it would be too tedious for everyone to vote on it. What their ruling class is called, and the other superficial elements of their society, depend on what other cultures they know of; those in the Feywild parody a court with a king or queen, though they’re just as likely to call that same leader a mayor or captain. Whatever words they use, their lives are filled with sharing, making sure everyone has enough of what its members can hunt, gather, or otherwise create from available materials.

Furmuli will farm or mine if living in a place with preexisting farmlands or mines, but will not cause large-scale change on their own. Whether natural or made by other races, furmuli take what they are given and don't fix what isn't broken, living in manmade structures and working in large industries among other races, or living outdoors and working with whatever resources they can survive on in their own corner of the world. Furmuli are very accepting of any outside influence or internal new ideas, not scrutinizing unless something contradicts their core racial values of everyone getting a share and no one getting hurt.

Although most furmuli can be found thriving alone or with other species, their way of life like any other does have its blind spots. Due to their beliefs on family being such a big influence, they have trouble with children who do not inherit their parents' important qualities, struggling to adapt if their queen's child is not a good leader herself. Furmuli who cannot always adapt can be overlooked in favor of the larger community, and can easily find themselves running away rather than being able to have the majority change for a smaller minority. The happy nature of most furmuli can seem fake, though it’s almost always genuine, because they value happiness so highly that they don’t want to express true negativity when it wouldn’t help the group to do so.

And Home Before Dark (Adventuring)

Furmuli enjoy learning magic for utility, and most would rather learn a damaging spell than how to damage with a weapon. The typical furmulus might know a spell or two to help them get around, such as Feather Fall, though most never go beyond that. Many of them are capable of becoming sorcerers, thanks to their mixed ancestry. There are a number of furmulus druids and bards, but a furmuli with any sort of martial training is extremely rare. 

They like to explore, either in groups or alone, though most don’t venture too far and will return home often rather than spending long stretches of time far away. Those that become full-time adventurers typically have some problem at home, either that they’ve left to try and solve or left because they couldn’t; it takes something dire to convince a furmulus to be distant from who they love most. As such, a furmulus without a preexisting family is likely to settle down if they find a good place while travelling, or to determine that nice place is with a travelling companion and resolve to follow them anywhere. 

Furmuli see other races as all generally people like they are, though they’ll have an easier time with anyone they’re more familiar with. If shown a tree and a goblinoid and asked which would be more likely to hold a conversation, most furmuli from the Feywild would assume the tree was a dryad before being sure of the goblin. They hold no ill will towards new races, simply taking a long moment to accept that something so unlike the creatures they met growing up are people at all. However, unlike most sheltered humanoids, they wouldn’t be surprised at all by the likes of tortles, or any mundane animal that happened to speak Common, since animals are what they’re the most familiar with of all. 

Furmuli can reproduce with the same list of species that elves can. When reproducing with another race, the children come out resembling clones of one parent or the other. Any two furmuli can have children together, who then typically inherit the ears from one parent and the tail from the other, with a mix of their parents’ hues.  Having only one child at a time is the most common for Furmuli, but they’re much more likely to have twins/triplets/etc. than most humanoids are.

Pet Names

Furmuli have a vaguely playful cadence to their names: a string of consonants or vowels never goes on for too long, despite their otherwise European flair, making it sound like someone made them up one syllable at a time. They have a given name, at least one family name, and anywhere from zero to three middle names; one middle name being the most common. Their names usually all sound interchangeable, except that firsts and middles tend to be shorter than the last names (which are usually only two or three syllables themselves), and few names end with a vowel. They usually call each other by their given names.

Those without family names seem very strange, as family is such an important thing to them. Adding more family names on the other hand is considered normal, if one grows to think of a group of friends as another family; though, after two or three, other furmuli might grow curious of the story behind them all, since it’s odd to ‘go through’ so many relationships so quickly. First or middle names being copied from other cultures isn’t typical, due to the fey-taught importance of having one’s own name, but added family names can be from anywhere. 

Subraces

Furmuli can be most accurately divided into three groups; diurnal, crepuscular, and nocturnal. Though most of them stay up through the day and sleep through the night regardless of their nature, and though the Feywild does not have any clear way to measure day and night, what time they are suited for informs their personality and behavior. 

A diurnal furmulus is much more likely than a nocturnal to be extroverted, with crepuscular being somewhere in the middle, all able to hold friendships but some more 'sunny' than others. (Male furmuli are typically more extroverted than females, though to a lesser extent.) Along with having a beast’s characteristics to match, daytime furmulus usually have coloration towards yellow while the nightly ones have bluish tones; those associated with twilight have reddish tints instead.

Furmulus Traits

Ability Score Increase. Your Charisma score increases by 2. 

Age. Furmuli reach maturity at age 7. The life expectancy varies based on their beastly characteristics, with larger animals usually living closer to 100 than the minimum of 50.

Furmulus age conversion:

Human age 0-25: x0.4

Human age 25-50: x0.6

Human age 50+: x0.75

Alignment. Furmuli are often either very lawful or very chaotic, with the same leanings throughout their whole community, and they are almost never evil. Being passionate is no reason for them to step on others’ toes, so a furmulus would say if so asked.

Size. Furmuli are typically between 4 and 5 feet tall, regardless of what size of animal their ears and tails resemble. Your size is Medium.

Height: 3'9” +2d8

Weight: 30 lbs. +(inches increased from 3'9” x1d4)

Speed. Your base walking speed is 30 feet.

Beastly Nature. You have two creature types: humanoid and beast. You can be affected by a game effect if it works on either of your creature types.

Oh My Ears and Whiskers! You gain proficiency in one skill of your choice, relating to your type of beast. For example, cats typically have talent in Perception or Stealth.

How Late It's Getting! A furmulus can take the Disengage action as a Bonus Action on each of its turns.

Languages. You can speak, read, and write Common and one other language of your choice, usually one spoken by your nearest non-Furmulus neighbors.

Diurnal Furmulus

Ability Score Increase. Your Dexterity score increases by 1.

Speak with Small Beasts. Through sounds and gestures, you can communicate simple ideas with Small or smaller beasts.

Crepuscular Furmulus

Ability Score Increase. Your Intelligence score increases by 1.

Fey Ancestry. You have advantage on saving throws against being charmed, and magic can't put you to sleep.

Nocturnal Furmulus

Ability Score Increase. Your Wisdom score increases by 1.

Darkvision. You can see in dim light within 60 feet of you as if it were bright light, and in Darkness as if it were dim light. You can’t discern color in Darkness, only Shades of Gray.

Those with ears and a tail from two different animals can mix and match one ability score increase and one feature from the subraces above, as appropriate. Ability scores more often correlate to a furmulus’ tail, and features to their ears. 

[staying-strong-with-miso]

**content warning: suicidal thoughts, self-harm, cutting, family problems, mothers**

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Oh my god anon, you are not over analyzing for attention. Please let me remind you and everyone else reading that “acting out” for attention is a symptom of needing attention, for a specific disorder or bad situation. Let me repeat, putting yourself in harms way “for attention”, means you need attention!! People who don’t genuinely require attention, do not hurt themselves because they want it. It is not and it is never bad or silly to “attention-seek” for help, whatever it is you need help with. 

It’s easy to feel that you are exaggerating your problems for attention, when that is the message getting sent to you by people in your life and society as a whole. Look at how you phrased this anon, “my generation tends to do that”. Teenagers and kids have been told that their problems don’t matter, that they’re over-exaggerating, that they’re just seeking attention, since before time itself. 

Today’s hyperbolic memes aside, this is no more true now than it was fifty years ago. Adults tend to look down on the experiences of kids and teens, (especially young girls, mentally ill and disabled kids, queer kids, kids of color,), they forget we are people. It is easy to accept that and feel it is true when we have been told this message for so long, to internalize it and not question it. It becomes your inner voice. Focus, how do YOU feel and what is YOUR BODY telling you it’s feeling? 

Remember, no matter what anyone tells you, your emotions and your perceptions of your emotions, your thoughts, they are valid and they matter. It is not abnormal to feel suicidal when you have Misophonia. Every teen Misophonic I know has struggled with it. It’s because Misophonia is scary! It’s painful! It terrorizes you, it makes you feel there is no way out, that everything is out of control. 

Remember that this is not true. It is also far too easy to accept that bad ideas like that are true when you are scared. Remember movies and tv shows, stories where the villain recruits new villains to work alongside them. Something you’ll notice quickly is that the villain takes the hero when they are at their weakest, their most broken down and scared. Then they lie to them. When watching this, it’s difficult to understand how the hero could believe such ridiculous lies! You can easily see from your detached viewpoint that the hero only believes this because they are in pain. The hero can’t see any good prospects, anything good in their life. Nothing beautiful on the horizon. When they’re like this, it’s easy to see how when the villain tells them that poison is a magic potion that’ll cure everything, they’ll believe such an obvious lie. Because when you can’t see anything good, its way too easy to mistake bad things for good ones. 

Think of the “villain” in this situation as mental illness. If I could draw this out like Steven usually does I would. I hope you’re getting the picture with just my words. Unless this is more ramble-y and incoherent than I thought, in which case know I care for you and I’m trying my best rn, and I’ll rewrite when I can.

Anyways, what’s most important for you to remember here is that you are not alone. There are people who have been through and are going through the exact same thing. There are people who care about you. I think I can say with a pretty high degree of safety that most of my followers and mutuals here are among that group. 

Not only are there people who have been through this exact same thing, they have come out of it too. I’m not saying Misophonia goes away, but after your teen years, it really does get better. You have a future. You have a life and you can make it yours. Do you know how precious a human life is anon? How precious your life is? It’s more than you could ever know, more than could ever be counted or calculated. One day you will have control over your life, over your situation. Yes Misophonia will be a part of it, but it gets less controlling when you’re an adult. 

I’d be the first to admit that my hopes and dreams for my adult life have been drastically changed by my disorders. Changed anon, not killed. There is so much out there for you to be excited for! What you held on for yesterday and today and tomorrow might not all be the same but oh I can promise you there will always be something to hold onto, if you look. When you can’t find anything, remember the stories with the weathered heroes who can’t see the good things right in front of them. No, maybe their good things aren’t the exact same as yours, but in both cases, they are always there. if you still can’t find them, you have the power to make your own, even if you don’t know it yet. 

You can have a great life anon. You can have a great future. I know what it’s like to not be able to see it, but I promise it’s there waiting. 

Things won’t always be as they are right now. Change is as inevitable as the passing of time. There are plenty of things that may be able to help you. 

Anxiety medication might help you, (I know it’s helped me and a few others), counseling might help you, (also helped me and others like us), definitely antidepressants. (Again, has been very helpful for me and many other Misophonics I know.) These things also might take time to work. They all take a long journey of trial and error. I know you’re probably tired of hearing that already, but please trust me that every single second of waiting in pain has been worth it, 100 times over. I genuinely, hand-on-my-heart, mean that. 

Anonymous, I need to repeat this, I need to know that you get it. You are not making this up for attention. You, like many others before you and with you, are experiencing serious repercussions on your mental health from living with Misophonia. It is a beyond-terrible, straight-from-hell disorder that yes, you, like all of us, will survive, will live beyond in ways you can’t imagine right now, but is currently endangering you. 

Please, don’t underestimate the effect it’s having on your mental health. Don’t understate it, or make excuses for it. You need and deserve help, anon. 

I’m terribly sorry about how your mom is treating you. You deserve so much better. Even if she doesn’t understand Misophonia, maybe she will take your mental health seriously, especially if you tell her that you’re suicidal. Which, I urge you to do. I know it will not be anywhere near easy, but believe me when I say it’s necessary. Don’t panic, you don’t have to do anything major right away. There’s no time limit. When you’ve worked up the courage, just be honest. Be brave. 

If she has a bad reaction, if she invalidates your feelings or brushes it off, please know that has everything to do with her, and absolutely nothing to do with the severity of your pain. And be proud! One of the most difficult and important parts of learning to thrive with this disorder, maybe the most important part, is learning how to communicate about it. About your pain, and about your needs. Once you learn how to do this, once you practice and get good at it, trust me, everything is easier. 

Whether you end up talking to her about it or not, be proud of yourself for recognizing you need help, and reaching out to me. Asking for help is both incredibly brave and the biggest favor you could do for yourself. You deserve it anon, you deserve help. 

Another thing I want to talk to you about is guilt. Something a lot of mentally ill and disabled people, people with unique needs, have to go through, is people in their lives trying to make them feel guilty for those needs. For demanding to have those needs met. No matter what it is you need, if it’s because of your disorder, if it’s your family you’re asking, demanding they meet your needs is never, ever an unreasonable thing to do. It is in fact, necessary. 

You are her child. It is her responsibility to take care of you, to love and nurture you, and to respect you. You deserve those things. Every child deserves those things, inherently. You are not an exception to that. You are no less important than anyone else, your needs are no less important than anyone else.

Sometimes people in our lives act like us being Misophonics is worse for them then it is for us. That can never be true. Ultimately, the worst those people  experience because of our Misophonia, is inconveniences. Or, even, sadness and frustration on our behalf. We, you, are the one in serious pain here. Maybe that sounds selfish, to care about only our pain. But when the topic is our disorder, and for some, for me, our disability, that is exactly what we need to do.

I have seen guilt rip up Misophonics from the inside. Guilt they do not deserve. Having our Misophonia triggered does not only do damage to our body over time, is is a legitimately traumatizing experience. It does damage to our psych, our mental health overall. We need to avoid it at all costs. If doing so hurts other people, that really is too bad, and we should be mindful of how we can lessen that. But when you’re young, when it’s at it’s worst, when no one respects your disorder and your pain, when you’re overwhelmed and in agony and barely beginning to understand what’s happening to you, when people equate their inconvenience to that agony, to this whole experience, we really cannot afford giving them that mindfulness. 

When you are struggling with if your pain matters or not, when they are not doing anything but making that feeling worse, when they try to make you feel bad for them, bad for needing things, bad for being Misophonic, excuse my french, but f**k them. They are your family! You are the one in pain here! They need to wake tf up and do better by you, you deserve better!

So never doubt the validity of your pain. Never apologize for needing things. Demand better! This society thrives off our self-hatred and self-doubt, don’t give it to them! You are important damn it! You deserve help! You deserve sympathy! Your family owes those things to you!

Anon I love you. You are stronger than you could ever, ever know. I am on your side. Take care of yourself because you are worthy of it, because you have a future. You will find people, (you have! right here!) who will listen to you and respect you and love you. This awful situation is not permanent, it will not be your end. This disorder really does get easier as an adult, enduring this really will be worth it. I let my rage lead me out of the worst of it, which probably isn’t for everyone. But I do know this, you will find your way.

[kaitkerrigan]

Happy Father’s Day

My 2 1/2 year old daughter is sick this weekend. All last night and all day today, she's needed my husband and me to come to her side and tell her that we’re here - not that we can stop her from being sick but to acknowledge that she IS sick and that it's ok and that it will pass. We take shifts at night. I took the early shift - 8 til 12 and my husband took the later shift. I went in every 45 minutes for a while, finding her in a cold sweat, confused by the cough she has never experienced before. We’re lucky. I can count on one hand the number of times she’s been sick but every time it happens, she’s stunned that her body could rebel against her. She cries, blubbering “I don’t feel well today.” in her eerily accurate grammar. We’re lucky.

There are 2000 children who were on the most harrowing journey of their lives, fleeing their countries because their parents feared for their lives, and at the end of that journey, they were ripped away from the only people they had who could tell them that as hard as this is, it will pass. 

Now they're alone. They're being treated like prisoners. And some of them are sick and all of them are scared and there's no one there to tell them that it's going to be ok. There's no way to know that it will be ok. 

We wouldn't treat a stray nursing dog and her puppies like this. But we have done this to mothers and their babies. WE have done this.

We have the luxury of pressing our children against us and knowing that their cold will pass and then they’ll get to go out and play without repercussions. But such freedoms are on a slippery slope. The moment we start seeing “others” as more of a pestilence and less of our sisters and brothers, our democracy begins to decay. Our moral highground is eroded. “It can’t happen here” is the biggest lie that anyone can tell you. Anything can happen anywhere. We alone are responsible for what happens on our watch. And so we are responsible for the children who have been ripped away from their parents this month. 2000 children in one month. Project forward a year and that’s 24,000 children. We cannot allow that. 

How can you help? SEND MONEY TO FIGHT FOR THE RIGHTS OF THESE HUMAN BEINGS - mother, father, and child. 

RAICES bond fund (https://actionnetwork.org/fundraising/bondfund…) gives 100% of your donation will help pay to get a parent out of detention so they can claim their own child.

VOTE. VOTE. VOTE. Are you not registered yet??? CLICK TO VOTE.

Please read the whole post below that (among all the chilling articles I’ve read in the past 24 hours, in the past week, in the past month) but especially this: 

"There is a fundamental principal of international law which arose after World War II: the concept of a refugee – a person deserving of protection because she is unsafe in her country due to persecution in her country based on her race, religion, nationality, political opinion, or membership in a particular social group. The United States Government has recognized its responsibility in protecting refugees for almost seventy years – in international treaties and in our own laws. Whatever your politics, it is an absolute and undeniable fact that the US must protect asylum seekers under its international treaty and internal legal obligations."

From FACEBOOK - Kate Lincoln-Goldfinch on June 8 at 4:03pm

Yesterday, I met with a mother whose 5-year-old son was literally pulled out of her arms by a Border Patrol Officer while she and her son cried and begged for him not to be taken. She is an asylum seeker who fled death threats in her country. She has not seen or spoken to her son in weeks. This mother recounted the story of her son being taken, stone faced, clearly unable to begin to access the emotions under the surface. It was the lowest, saddest, most distressing moment of my career as an immigration lawyer.

I chose to be an immigration attorney after my first experience as a law student in the immigration clinic. I was asked to do an intake with a family of Iraqi asylum seekers who were being detained with their 5-month-old daughter. The baby was wearing a prison-issued onesie. Her mother asked me to hold her, because I smelled like the outside world. All along, that moment has been my marker of the lowest moment, the catalyst for my career. Yet that was nothing compared to what is happening today.

I am writing to share with you what I am seeing so that you can be informed and take action. I want to help you know the background and combat the arguments that these parents chose this for their children, that they brought it on themselves. And to combat the lies coming from the Administration, claiming there is no choice in whether to enact the policy of separation.

There is a fundamental principal of international law which arose after World War II: the concept of a refugee – a person deserving of protection because she is unsafe in her country due to persecution in her country based on her race, religion, nationality, political opinion, or membership in a particular social group. The United States Government has recognized its responsibility in protecting refugees for almost seventy years – in international treaties and in our own laws. Whatever your politics, it is an absolute and undeniable fact that the US must protect asylum seekers under its international treaty and internal legal obligations. (I am avoiding citations and legalese in this article because I want it to be readable, but I can easily provide citations for anything written here.)

In the last decade, the political situation in Central America has deteriorated. Gangs and drug cartels have taken power and the governments of Central America, particularly in the northern triangle of Guatemala, El Salvador, and Honduras, are unable to protect their citizens. People are being extorted and required to make regular payments to gang members. If they refuse, they or their family members are murdered. Boys as young as eight years old are forced into the gangs. If they or their parents refuse, they are murdered. Young girls are forced to become the property of gang members and treated as sex slaves. If they or their families refuse, they are murdered. The police are unable to help, and in many cases have themselves been infiltrated with gang members, so that making a police report brings more danger. Parents are fleeing and bringing their children here to rescue them from rape and murder.

When an asylum seeker wants to come to the United States, she has two choices: come to the bridge to ask for asylum, or sneak into the country. Why sneak in? Well, because border patrol officers often don’t permit people to seek asylum. They tell them to turnaround, we aren’t accepting asylum seekers. In fact, now border patrol officers are patrolling the Mexican territory in front of the borders to keep asylum seekers from even crossing the bridge. This leaves option two: the only way to get in. Historically, asylum seekers who crossed over got immediately apprehended (we don’t have the porous borders the Administration claims we do), then were placed in family detention centers and put through the credible fear interview process. If they passed, they got out of detention and finished out the asylum process in court. If they failed, they were sent back. This was far from a tolerable solution, but it has “worked” this way for over a decade, with subtle shifts in policies and practices.

What changed? The Trump Administration decided in May to enact a “zero tolerance” policy against people crossing the border. This means everyone, regardless of cause or circumstance of entry, gets prosecuted for illegal entry. Parents of children, including infants, are being taken to federal court and their children are being placed in custody of the Office of Refugee Resettlement. There is NO agency responsible for facilitating communication or reunification of these families. Parents are getting deported without their kids, and shelters are filling up. These families are being transferred and taken all around the US depending on where there is space for them. Parents are not told where they are going, where their kids are, or whether they are okay. If this does not horrify you, check your pulse.

What can you do? Here is the hard part. And I promise to keep working on this. Immigration attorneys can help – that’s easy. You can travel to detention centers and help parents pass their credible fear interviews and get out on bond. A volunteer sheet will be circulating within the next week. Nonimmigration lawyers can partner with an immigration attorney or attend a training (Mark your calendars for an opportunity for Austin Bar Association members the afternoon of June 25.) Nonlawyers – there are the obvious options: contact your legislators and demand an end to family separation. Form mom groups, dad groups, psychologist groups, contact the media, and get loud. Give money. I personally think money is best spent on the RAICES bond fund (https://actionnetwork.org/fundraising/bondfund…) where 100% of your donation will help pay to get a parent out of detention so they can claim their own child.

What you should not do, in my opinion: anything to support or legitimize what is happening. This includes offering to foster these kids and take them off the hands of the agency, donate supplies, or assist the Department of Homeland Security in any way. I know your hearts are in the right place, and you want to help the kids. But if the shelters are at capacity and no one is offering to take the kids, maybe the administration will stop taking them from their parents. Maybe they need to feel the pain of what it is to care for so many distraught babies, so they stop the horror show.

Thank you for reading this far, for letting me get this off my chest, and for caring. The only positive that comes out of moments like these is the groundswell of goodness.

In solidarity, Kate

Finally, happy father’s day. Hug your babies close. Hug your fathers tight. Celebrate your connection and your liberties and find a moment in your day to  talk as a family about what it would be like if you had to flee your country. What would you need? What can you as a family sacrifice to help? 

[chrisabraham]

What's earned media micro-influencer marketing?

Every one of the influencers we reach out to we brand with our client's brand recognition. Maybe your first touch, their very first introduction to the client. There are so many useful aspects to our type of influencer marketing, which is actually more of an influencer PR.

I have been doing long-tail, earned media, micro-influencer marketing, since 2006. Now, I am working with Dan over at Gerris and still offering this service as a PR model instead of an advertising model, which is what 90% of all IM campaigns are these days.

An extremely valuable first touch toward the 7 touches of branding. It's also essential to remember that Big fish are attracted to what the little fish are doing so we always aim to chum the waters even if we mostly attract minnows, anchovies, sardines, and pilchards (they’ll be 80%).

All those minnows, anchovies, sardines, and pilchards add up towards filling the boat with copious amounts of healthy, fresh, delicious fish, after all. In fact, our influencers have completely acceptable mercury levels compared to most big fish, as well.

When your brand is brand new and you're on the pad ready to launch, clubs and nightclubs (discotheques) know this: your first 100 customers define who the next 1,000 customers will be. Why not start with bonafide celebs and microcelebs? We only reach out to Internet denizens who have active social media platforms, from blogs to websites, from Pages to Twitter, from the Gram to the Tube, from TikTok to even message boards and forums.

While we do, always, include tier-1 A-list influencers in all of our campaigns (and often do well with them), we include A-Z list celebrities and all along the long tail and are not prejudiced against social media babies. As a result, we have such great success with influencers who are passion-driven hobbyists who have never been kissed yet by a brand.

I won't lie, when it comes to what we call Earned Media Influencer Outreach, folks online have never been savvier: they appreciate generous affiliate offers and if you offer them access to your products and services, you really do need to give 'til it hurts.

What is earned media? It's publicity gained through promotional efforts other than paid media advertising. By which case, it should cost you as close to $250 or more per influencer, no matter where on the A-Z they are. And this is not actual cost or actual fee, perse, but perceived value.

I compare it to bringing a pot of jam or a bouquet of flowers or a nice bottle of wine or spirit when you attend a soiree or dinner party. From my favorite movie:

"When rich people do something nice for you, you give `em a pot of jam." - Trent, "Six Degrees of Separation"

You can pay more for elephants, but you cannot pay less for mice. Each person has an internal calibration for how much their time is worth and whether or not your offer to them is generous or insulting. If your service costs $150/year then offer the influencer a lifetime free account; if your supplement costs $20 for a bottle, then offer them a year-long monthly subscription ($240).

Being cheapass (technical term) is worse than doing nothing at all. If your running blogger can get better swag from the local 5k from the vendor tents than they're getting from you, then you're being cheapass and we can't work with you.

In addition to the innate value, novelty, quality, prestige, or exclusivity of the product or service in question, you can—and should!—you should always pimp your founders, your leaders, your creatives, and your talent. To podcasts, to email or phone or Zoom interviews, to YouTube channels, to local news, NPR, local radio, national TV, news, and radio, and to even the mice of the content-creation world.

We can offer your media darlings as thought leaders to podcasts, yes, but also to radio, video, the news, etc. We throw out our hukilau net and, always knowing that we always fish in fecund waters, we get what we get: big fish, little fish, but always lots of fish.

At the end of the day, since it's essentially Social Media PR cum Online Influencer PR, we always need the client to be offering something passion-worthy, newsworthy, timely, or extremely unique and novel. Trendy also works. Our long-tail micro-influencer strategy has a number of powerful effects and side-effects, including a much wider, broader, and deeper penetration into a diversity of demographics and communities; an ability to not only pitch thousands of A-Z influencers but also thousands of potential and future clients.

When it comes down to it, more is more. We cast a gigantic fishing net across a broad swath of influencers, including every single nook and cranny of your dream target audience that you can imagine. Because we don’t snipe influencers with a metaphorical speargun, we can do what you did when you were fishing for blurbs: trawling for blurbs instead of casting out, dropping a bobber, and then waiting for one fish at a time to bite.

What we do, often results in a huge tide of buzz, attention, mentions, and the results can be tectonic, moving the analytic Richter magnitude scales across search and social media, resulting in buzz tsunamis that happen almost all at once.

Since every person we engage possesses a media platform, we can engage them directly, which both influences them personally and also offers each and every one of them the opportunity to share, blog, post, and promote our client’s brand to their friends and followers.

And then, after we reach out to everyone, we follow-up twice more, as a follow-up; then, once we engage them and convert them to becoming de-facto ambassadors, we bird-dog them until they do as they promise.

Then, in the end, you will have a list of thousands of positive and neutral responders that you can then add to your newsletter, whether it’s by adding them to your general list or creating a bespoke ambassadors-only list.

Our interpretation of influencer outreach is a process by which we identify the influencers in a client's demographic, geographic, and psychographic space and activate them on behalf of our client's brand. We do two types of influencer outreach: A-List (Tier-1) and Long-Tail (Micro-Influencers). Micro-influencer marketing is one of the services that sets us apart from other Digital PR firms. Most firms focus only on influencer marketing to Tier-1 influencers. While this is effective for getting a lot of eyeballs on the initial post, the story is quickly buried due to the high frequency, fickle nature of posts.

We focus on reaching the long-tail—the micro-influencers. We contact thousands of online influencers in your target demographic and individually interact with every influencer who expresses interest. This results in hundreds to thousands of positive posts across a variety of social media and video channels and on blogs and in other publications about your brand resulting in higher SEO in addition to the broad base of brand awareness.

We always look forward to helping our clients to take their companies, products, services, books, and communities to volume eleven. That will always be our primary goal.

[yilduza]

‘Destructive Whirlwind’: nurses' perceptions of patients diagnosed with borderline personality disorder

(tw: suicide mention) (these are selections from the journal article, it has been abridged and not reproduced in full)

“Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) first appeared in the American Psychiatry Association's Diagnostic and Statistic Manual, 3rd edition (DSM-III) in 1980. Only 6 years later, Gallop & Lancee (1986) found that this disorder carried a strong negative stereotype. They reported that when nurses were asked what words came to mind when they thought about borderline patients over 90% responded with either ‘manipulative’, ‘attention-seeking’ or ‘trouble’. This conceptualization shows no sign of abating; in 2006, Deans and Meocevic found that the majority of nurses they surveyed perceived BPD patients as manipulative.” Markham (2003) found that qualified nurses rated patients labelled BPD as more dangerous and had a stronger desire to maintain social distance from them, than patients with a diagnosis of schizophrenia. Similarly, observational research has recorded that nurses' interactions with BPD patients are significantly less empathic than their interactions with patients with affective disorders (Fraser & Gallop 1993). The prognosis of BPD patients is poor; they show high rates of premature termination of treatment, ongoing dependence on the mental healthcare system (Nehls 2000) and about 10% commit suicide (Bateman & Fonagy 2004). As result in Nehls (2000) stated that BPD patients are perceived as ‘untreatable and undeserving of care’ (p. 66)

In 2007, James and Cowman found that over 60% of the nurses they surveyed did not support the view that BPD patients were untreatable and almost 90% wanted further training to increase their skill base for working with this client group.

Six participants were interviewed. All of the participants are working as members of psychiatric nursing teams, either in London or in Hampshire. Four of the participants work in an acute adult ward.

Core theme: Destructive Whirlwind

This can be seen as the theme around which nurses' experiences of BPD patients revolve. It refers to nurses perceiving BPD patients as a powerful, dangerous, unrelenting and unstoppable force which leaves a trail of destruction in its wake. The participants reported BPD patients having a huge, disrupting presence, which they described as demanding and draining. The participants provided numerous examples of the vast amounts of time and energy they spend ‘dealing’ with these patients. The term ‘whirlwind’ was taken from the data itself

They seem to shout ‘help me, help me, but you can't.

All the nurses interviewed perceived BPD patients as having a mental health problem. In conjunction with this, they considered them to be unable to cope with life and in need of help. However, the nurses seemed to struggle with feeling that they could not ‘treat’ these patients; this was closely linked to BPD patients ‘not getting better’

However, this participant went onto describe how this [getting results from putting in the work] is not always the case and how a BPD patient he was working with committed suicide. Perhaps overtime, these types of experiences will alter his perceptions. One participant, who has worked in mental health for 17 years, recalls how she used to feel at the beginning of her career:

I can make this person better; I can be the one that changes their impression about all those horrible people that they've come across in mental health.

She then explained how she now accepts that she cannot always help. The impact of exposure to this client group was also described by another senior nurse:

When I first was training . . . somebody would be admitted and I would be in the nurses office and the other nurses, the qualified staff, would go ‘oh god another f-ing BPD’ . . . I'd be really indignant and say ‘how can you say that’ . . . later as I became more experienced . . . I did start to see them as a kind of unified group.

Theme 3: Manipulation

The nurses had a strong sense that they were being manipulated by BPD patients. They associated BPD patients' dishonesty with their manipulative behaviours. The idea that BPD patients are dishonest was linked to a general perception that they were not genuine. The participants frequently talked about there being an ‘agenda’ behind BPD patients' interactions with them and trying to discover the real reason behind why they were doing something or wanting something.

I actually withdrew from any sort of therapeutic liaisons with a client because I felt they were not genuine.

An important implication from this research is the need to train nurses in appropriate treatments for this client group. Perhaps, such training could also provide nurses with a framework in which to understand their interactions with these patients. For example, the cognitive behavioural cycle described by Rayneret al. (2004) could be used to explain patients' behaviour, nurses' reactions to this and the impact this then has on patients' effect and in turn their behaviour.

The therapeutic relationship is now widely thought to be the most important factor for outcome (Clarkson 2003); thus, it can be hypothesized that enhancing the relationship between BPD patients and staff teams will have a reciprocal effect on patients' process. Consequently, future research should explore the reality of nurses' interactions with these patients, so that steps can be taken to improve their relationships. Given the close conditions in which nurses work, it may be beneficial to conduct focus groups in which nurses could construct their shared reality of BPD patients.”

WOOLLASTON, K. and HIXENBAUGH, P. (2008), ‘Destructive Whirlwind’: nurses' perceptions of patients diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Journal of Psychiatric and Mental Health Nursing, 15: 703–709. doi:10.1111/j.1365-2850.2008.01275.x

----------------------------------------

This study only had 6 nurses participating which naturally leads to a relatively limited scope, however, the review of previous research is useful and the results are relatively in-line with prior research into the attitudes of mhc professionals towards individuals (mostly women, lbr) with bpd.

some thoughts:

-the therapeutic relationship is important for outcomes and yet it’s very difficult to have a trusting relationship with a nurse (or other professional) who enters the relationship expecting manipulation and deception

-this is especially crucial when evaluating suicide risk among patients with BPD (since having BPD already places you in a high-risk group.).  how do you effectively assess risk if you’re assuming manipulation and deception?

-people with BPD often see themselves as “bad” and undeserving of help, and are hyper-sensitive to how other people behave towards them.  picking up on disdain or hostility towards them from the people responsible for handling their care can be extremely damaging to self-image, and feelings of being bad and worthless can be triggers for self-destructive behaviour.

-as an aside to the quote “The prognosis of BPD patients is poor” the prognosis for BPD has been increasingly recognized as more positive than it once was.  And whatever the prognosis is, it may be demoralizing for staff working with clients with BPD to think they’ll never improve but trust me when i say it’s even more demoralizing to have that implication communicated to you as a patient.  how do you find hope, how do you find the tenacity and the strength to live with BPD and work towards a healthier life if you’re told from the outset how impossible it is?

-mental health care is based on both observable behaviour and internal experiences. both are important components.  if you’re unable to share your internal experiences with the professionals you’re working with, or they’re unwilling to listen in an unbiased manner, your treatment may not be very effective or tailored to your actual needs and symptoms.

-the 2007 research by James and Cowman is a positive step forward in suggesting that the majority of the nurses they surveyed wanted further training 

-lastly: given how high rates of trauma are in people given this diagnosis it is irresponsible to fail to consider how re-traumatizing a blanket assumption of deception and manipulation might be.

[neonbluebell]

If you don’t “get” the All Cops Are Bastards rhetoric

Then I feel you. It rings extreme, at the very least. Maybe you’ve seen, or known, good cops. I sure did; my dad was a cop. A good cop, who did it for the right reasons (Literally, he thought it was the best way to stop bullies hurting vulnerable people). He exposed corruption at his station, despite knowing how turning on the force meant that he’d lose his job and likely his pension (which it did), and to this day is one of the best men I know. I respect him. But what changed was understanding that most of what he did that was good, was literally that; him being a good man. Not being a good cop. Because; Cops are violent: If a cop wants you to stop doing something, they might tell you so. If you don’t? They might club you. Or mace you. Or taze you. Or shoot you. And that’s not assured to be the order of escalation they choose. They’ll then bind your hands, throw you in an vehicle seat with no safety features, and maybe even give you a “rough ride” to the station if you pissed them off. Their JOB is to use violence, or the threat of it, to achieve compliance. Cops are not able to help you: This is one people don’t often consider; if a cop pulls you over for having a tail-light out, at best you’ll get a warning, most likely you’ll get a fine, and at worst they might escalate things. But, if you KNOW your tail-light is out, because you can’t afford to replace it, and this is the vehicle you need to use to get to work to make ends meet? Then at best, you have a threat hanging over your head. Most likely, you’ll be out more money than you can afford, because you were already broke. At worst, well... Yeah. And whilst we hear stories of “cop buys poor dad a baby seat”, understand that what happened? That wasn’t allocated police funds, that wasn’t procedure, and it might have necessitated waving official police protocol. That was not the cop, that was the man explicitly choosing NOT to be a cop. Cops are incentivized to use the law against you: Traffic fine quotas. Those exist, and cops can face reprimands for not meeting them when they’re set. It’s an easy example of how they’re encouraged to shoehorn you into accepting false charges. Now consider that precincts are often rated, and funded, by conviction rates. That they work directly with prosecution. There’s loads of good data on this, too, but it should be simple common sense. Cops are wildly underqualified and woefully overwhelmed: Many people don’t consider that police academy training averages 19 weeks in the United States. To become a lawyer, you need a bachelors (4 years) plus 3 years of law school on average. That’s terrifying to consider that the cutting edge of the law is that much more unqualified. And these barely trained men and women? They’re being thrust into high-stress situations, where their decisions on the nature of the law can have life-or-death consequences for themselves and civilians. And any further on-the-job training is going to be provided by similarly trained, similarly overwhelmed people who had to figure it out themselves. Is it any wonder we see officers who act fearfully and inappropriately? Cops have a minimal of checks and accountability: Misconduct is investigated internally. That’s already a clear an obvious problem, just stating it out loud. And, as precincts, stations and likewise are funded as a group (not a “By cop” basis, which is admittedly untenable) then they have an interest in sweeping problems under the rug, unless things have blown up badly enough that they need to appease the public. Because “bad cops” hurt “good cops”, it literally pays for “good cops” to cover for “bad cops”. This means a code of Omerta, in effect - exposing problems like corruption? It gets you thrown under the bus. Good cops have to accept bad things to survive as cops. They have to stand by crooks, white supremacists, and really anybody who can keep their head down enough that they don’t have to be made an example of. Even police who WANT to help are not able to via the mechanisms of the system. They are exposed to people in need, but if acting purely as officers, have little power beyond that to damage those who might do harm. And they have ONLY that power, in the end; frequently, they are demanded to use it against the undeserving. Rather than go on to talk about the history of modern policing, or even suggesting radical alternatives, I’ll say this; whatever you think policing could, or should be, it currently is not. It is not “a few bad apples”, it is the system. Until police can treat the poverty, need and desperation that cause so much petty crime, they will only hurt the most vulnerable. Until we stop punishing exposure of issues, they will only fester in the dark. Until we train our enforcers of law to KNOW the law, they will be hamfisted. Until we equip them with the tools to use less force, to de-escalate situations, and cope with the stresses of entire communities being thrust at them in ugly ways, they will be dangerous. Until we hold them MORE legally accountable, not LESS, they will not be our most upstanding. People who are cops can be good people. But cops, as a force, cannot functionally do good things as they exist.

[stimtoybox]

Do you have any advice for someone who wants to start a stim/fidget toy review blog? I think it will give me a good outlet to talk about them instead of bothering my friends every time I get a new stimmy thing. I just don't know where to start. :(

I am flattered, anon, that you think we can offer advice on this point!

To be honest, I don’t think it’s that much different from starting any creative project, and these are all things folks should consider if they’re doing anything new. So ask yourself these questions, as they’ll guide you, I think, towards what you do next and how you do it.

I apologise for writing … well, an essay on blogging. It’s probably a great deal more than what you’ve asked for, but I’ve learnt a great deal in running this blog, and it all came flooding out on the page.

The main points, I think, I’ll summarise here before going into everything under the cut:

Know what it is you want to do and why you want to do it. It’s very hard to keep going with anything if you’re not sure why you’re doing it.

Hold close to your heart everything you think you can bring to your blog and reviews, because cherishing your own uniqueness keeps you going.

Practice self-care in determining what is possible for you and how much time you can devote to a blog. Look after yourself first. Your followers will wait even longer for responses if you have a mental breakdown.

Blog only if it makes you happy, because blogging is a lot of work!

Regular and consistent updates do result in regular followers and interactions, but the expectation that one updates regularly and consistently is based on ableist assumptions of ability, so you are allowed to be inconsistent.

Practice gratitude for the people who interact with you.

Don’t feel you ever have to take hate or abuse: you are allowed to use the block button.

Do not ever feel as though you need to know everything about your subject before blogging, because your followers like being able to help you.

If you’re comfortable sharing your blog with us, anon, when you have it ready to go, I’d love to see it. No such thing as too much stimmy information or too many stim blogs; we’re all part of a much greater (and fabulous) community working together to help and share information and discussion about a special interest/hyperfixation/passion. That’s a fabulously awesome thing, and I love all the connections with others - something I’m generally terrible at - I’ve made through this blog.

So, if you’re comfortable, come join us in our little network of stimmers, because we want you to be part of it!

What is it you want to do? What is it you don’t want to do?

Do you just want to post your own reviews? Do you want to post/reblog links to cool toys you’ve found? Do you just want to post/reblog photos of toy collections without reviews or listing information? Do you want to do a mix of toys and online stimming videos/GIFs/ASMR? Tutorials? For example, I don’t enjoy videos or GIFs, so I knew this blog would be about toys, and as I like making things, tutorials just happened naturally. Have a think about the kind of content you want to include and focus on that.

You can always widen your focus afterwards, but having a focus in the beginning helps give you direction, and direction is important.

(Additionally, as your blow grows, your followers might push your blog in all sorts of different directions!)

Why is it you want to do it?

Just wanting somewhere to put your thoughts is a good and valid reason! In the case of this blog, I wanted that, but I also wanted to discuss stim toys with a greater international focus. I know it seems odd now, but when I started this blog few stim toy bloggers were listing currencies, discussing shipping costs or providing image descriptions. There were few listings that weren’t focused on US webstores and absolutely nothing about Australian resources. I saw a gap in what was being covered by others, based on my own needs as a stimmer, and jumped right in.

Knowing why you want to do something helps tailor your approach: it gives you that little bit of uniqueness that separates your blog from other blogs. It erases that doubt that surfaces when you wonder why you’re doing this when everyone else is doing this already. There will be something you’re doing that the rest of us aren’t, and if you find that and hold onto it, it’s a lot easier to keep going.

What makes you happy?

What do you enjoy doing? Writing? Photography? Talking about little details? Making GIFs? Collecting listings of cool items you’ve seen online?

Find out what it is you think you’ll enjoy most and focus, at least in the beginning, on that. Happiness is incredibly motivating.

What lies within your ability?

Anon, take it from someone who repeatedly and reliably fails at this point: figure out what it is you can’t do in the matter of a stim blog and push it aside. You do not have to do everything on your blog. If there is something you genuinely cannot do, don’t do it. This is especially important for disabled bloggers, as we generally have limitations in what we can do and how much. Don’t be like me, trying to do everything because it’s good to do without any awareness of how much Trying To Do Everything is breaking me.

There’s a line between Things That Are Good To Do and Things I Can Actually Do, and you’ll be saner and happier (as someone who is regularly driving myself up the wall with my habit of overestimating my ability to function) if you stay on the “actually possible” side of the line.

Things to look at here include physical ability and time for working on this blog, both of which are super important to evaluate. Always underestimate your ability to do things - you’d rather have extra time and spoons than not enough of it!

I’ll acknowledge that regular, consistent updates are probably the biggest thing when it comes to growing a following, but for disabled people this is a very hard thing to do, and all the “how to blog” advice posts never mention this. The goal of consistency is deeply ableist. If you can do this, great. If you can’t? Don’t bother about it. Updating sporadically is better than being burnt out and not updating at all for six months because you’ve set yourself a punishing schedule your life and body won’t allow you to manage.

How are you going to do it?

You know what you want to say and why; the next step is how. How are you going to format your blog? Possible questions to consider include:

Do you want to write short or long reviews?

Do you want to include photos, videos, GIFs?

Do you want to casually talk about your purchases or aim to be a resource?

Do you want to tag everything as an archive? (This is so the thing where I have bitten off more than I can chew, ye gods.)

Do you want to make your content as accessible as you can?

Do you want to accept asks and user submissions?

Do you want to have a moderated/shared blog?

Do you want to be an informative resource versus just talking casually about your stim experiences?

Do you want your blog to be an informative resource versus a blend of stim posts and your own personal content?

Do you want to cultivate connections with other stim bloggers?

This step is thinking about the minutia of how you’re going to do whatever it is you want to do. In my case, it was deciding that this blog is a resource blog, that I’d focus on tags and archiving, that I want to put a lot of detail in my reviews and that I’d be as accessible as is possible for me.

By the way, while personal review blogs and broader resource blogs are different, one isn’t necessarily better than the other. General stim toy blogs that just post and reblog collection photos get a great following because people just want to enjoy the pretty and get to know the collator. They’re also much easier to run in terms of workload, especially for folks on mobile.

How are you going to approach the community?

This is where you think about who your audience is, who you wish to be following you and how you’re going to approach your interactions with others. Tumblr is a curious space in the sense that various flavours of activism often end up in spaces that aren’t really about activism, and that can be a tricky thing to deal with. I’m not always sure that I deal with it well, but I think at the end of the day that if you try to be true to who you are, that’s a good thing, even if others disagree with your approach.

(It’s okay if people do disagree. The number of stim blogs that exist means there’s a space for most of us.)

Things to consider include:

Who don’t you wish to follow? It is absolutely within your right as a blogger to dictate whom it is you wish to follow and interact with you, or what behaviours will result in blocking. My opinion is that it’s good to be polite about expressing it, though, especially if you’re asking blogs that feature behaviour that doesn’t cause harm to vulnerable populations to not follow you/not engage. You’re allowed to put your comfort first, but politeness is good.

Is your blog for a wider community or a section of it? Are you for anyone who stims, for disabled people who stim, ND people who stim or a targeted group like anxious stimmers or autistic stimmers?

How exclusive are you in your community building? Some blogs are completely inclusive, some blogs are largely inclusive, some are very exclusive. Stim blogs often end up being little communities of their own, so it pays to take some time to think about the kind of space you want to build.

Are you bringing other politics or modes of activism to this blog? It often pays to put this somewhere if you are or aren’t. I know that I’ve felt very uncomfortable when I’ve followed a blog only to discover a week later that the owner/mods are exclusionists. By the way, it is absolutely okay to not reveal your beliefs on any of these issues if you keep it entirely off the blog. It is also okay to be open about who you are and what you believe but not make the blog primarily about those beliefs. It is also okay to make the blog all about those beliefs.

How will you approach drama? For example, I have a block policy for hate messages: I block and never discuss the content on this blog, because I feel this is not the place to discuss people who feel the need to tell me how much they hate me for differing activism/identity approaches. I’ve got better things to do than to waste my spoons on that. Other bloggers respond to those messages and discuss them.

How will you keep your followers safe? You can do the AO3 approach of choosing not to tag - as long as you mention this on your blog description, this is entirely valid. You can tag. You can advise that there are certain things you can’t advise for and tag for the rest. You can say that this isn’t a space for discussing politics, activism or problematic content. You can say that you do discuss it. I’ve realised that I need to go back and make my approach to discussion content - that while we won’t discuss abuse or ableism or other awful things that happen to ND people in explicit detail, we won’t pretend they don’t exist or happen to us - more clear. (It’s part of the evolution from stim toy review blog to stim toy and ND blog, and I’m still playing catch-up in a lot of ways.)

I admit that my philosophy in general is to be as inclusive as possible whilst still centering stimming on ND and disabled people, and I personally will never have enough blogs to follow that do this. I am all for community building that is as accepting and non-judgemental as is possible. But this is not the only way to blog, and in the end, you do you, anon. There’s space in the world for people to have differing opinions, and the benefit of a blog is that one can make a community that suits one’s needs and philosophy.

I’ll also note that autistics and issues relating to autism (Autism $peaks, for example) have more of a presence in stim spaces, but if you are not autistic, you absolutely do not have to make your blog about autism. I believe there’s a real need for more allistic stimmers to make blogs that focus on the stimming needs of ADHD and/or anxious stimmers without autism discussions creeping in.

What do you need to do?

This step is for considering all the things you need to do to make the blog go from an idea to a thing.

Please note that this is often more professional in focus than many bloggers consider: I’m a writer, and so it’s habit for me to try and make even my non-writing blogs of a semi-professional standard.

If this feels way too much, pick and choose (remember: you don’t have to do everything).

The name of your blog. Do you have a name? Is it still available? Go and grab it now if so, even if you don’t make your blog for days, weeks or months. I sat on @stimtoybox​ for about three months before I finally made the blog.

The layout of your blog. There’s a lot of custom Tumblr designs out there, but, to be brutally honest, most of them are not user-friendly in terms of accessible and easy-to-read design. Pick a clean theme that’s easy to modify, as that will give non-Tumblr users access to your content. I know everyone thinks we only access blogs via dashboard these days, but if you get big enough, some of your anons may not be registered Tumblr users, and giving them access to your blog via an easy-to-read webpage layout matters a lot.

The avatar/icon and headers of your blog. Many layouts let you custom design these, and this helps give you a little individuality (especially on your webpage layout). You can get lots of royalty-free graphics on sites like Pixabay with no attribution required (although it’s a decent thing to put said attribution on a page). Additionally, your own photos of stim toys work great for this. Having icons and headers that are unique to you is well worth the time it takes to create them.

Bio and blog description. You don’t want an essay for this, but a little information about what you’re doing and why is great.

HTML. If you can add a few HTML links to said blog description, including links to everything people can’t access on mobile (about page, BYF page, submissions info) you’ve made your blog that much easier to use. I am more than happy to write a tutorial on the code I use here on Tumblr if anyone wants it.

Links to your other internet presences. Don’t be ashamed about doing this. You’re providing content, which is a lot of work, so it’s absolutely fair to use it as a way to direct people towards your other work (personal blog, art, writing, whatever).

Before You Follow and Submission information. If you’re allowing asks and submissions, tell people want you want - make a page for this information. (Unfortunately, you’re still going to get people who don’t read before submitting - I’ve had a few submissions that are just GIF images with no informative content, for example, even though we’re a resource blog.) It really does help, though. Likewise with the BYF, if you have folks you’d rather not follow for whatever reason.

Lastly,

You don’t have to know everything about your subject matter. If you don’t know and can’t find it out, admit it. Ask people for their input, because folks genuinely like helping each other out. They like participating; they like offering up information. The majority of your followers are going to be pretty awesome people, and they’re going to want to help, if they can. We have this massive passion in common, and we’re all here, following each other, helping each other, because we like learning and sharing.

In my opinion, there’s also a lot to be gained by being thankful and expressing gratitude to followers’ interactions. (It maybe sounds manipulative put that way, but expressing everything as a social rule makes it sound manipulative, to be honest, and for me everything is a social rule, something I’ve learnt the hard way, not a natural understanding.) Thank you is a pretty powerful word; being grateful is a pretty powerful thing. If there is anything I’ve learnt from this blog, it is that being and expressing gratitude has brought me an awful lot of good will, patience and acceptance, even when I’m absent, screwing up, making mistakes, in too much pain to be helpful or tolerant, being far too emotional or just being too overwhelmed by a blog and inbox that’s gotten bigger than I can often manage.

Be grateful for those who interact with you. You don’t have to accept hate (that gets the block button) but being grateful helps so much.

Good luck, anon. I’m pretty sure this is many more words than what you’re after, and I hope it isn’t too overwhelming for you. We’re all very much looking forward to your unique reviews and insights on stim toys!

- Mod K.A.

[a-queer-seminarian]

hey there, some seminary questions for you! How did you choose which seminary to attend? Could you please talk about the application/acceptance process? What's the average week like as a seminarian?

Oh gosh, you sent this ages ago, I’ve been meaning to answer!

How I picked a seminary:

I looked only at seminaries in my denomination, PC(USA), that were at least sort of near my area of the USA and that seemed like they’d be LGBT+ friendly. I visited two of them, McCormick in Chicago and Louisville Presbyterian Theological Seminary, in the fall of 2015 and applied to them both the spring of 2016. Both seemed like excellent choices, I selected LPTS because I liked the housing situation, the campus in general, and the students and teachers I talked to seemed like a better fit for me. And indeed, I am extremely happy here!

Applications and Acceptance:

So yeah, the two seminaries I applied to both had applications due for the following fall in early spring, and I think that’s fairly standard. When looking at various seminaries, check their website for info on that. I highly recommend looking into seminaries a year before you want to attend one, so that you have plenty of time to visit, gather recommendation letters, reflect on your decision, and apply.

Note that the vast majority of seminaries require an undergraduate degree before you can apply, since it is a masters program – but that undergrad degree can be in anything. See this post.

This is the admissions page of my seminary. LPTS offers several degrees, the most popular of which at the masters level are the Masters of Divinity (MDIV, what I am doing) and the Masters of Family Therapy (MFT). To apply to these programs, there are forms that request general info and also ask that you undergo a background check, write some essays, and three letters of recommendation.

The last of those things, the rec letters, might sound overwhelming, but it’s doable. One of them needs to be from a pastor, so if you don’t currently have a pastor in your life who knows you well, that’s something to think about before applying to seminary – how can you get active in your current church so that your pastor can write you a good letter? The second letter must be an academic reference and the third must be a “personal or professional reference” – see this webpage for more. Note that these were the letters my two seminaries of choice required, and while I think it’s fairly typical, other seminaries may do it differently.

I’m pretty sure some sort of interview was required too, but it’s super informal and you can do it via skype if you can’t get to the seminary in person. I do recommend checking out the seminaries you’re interested in person though, if at all possible – they let you tour, talking to various teachers and students and possibly sitting in on classes.

On to the acceptance process: if the two seminaries I looked into are any indication, if you get all the application stuff turned in, you’re very likely to be accepted. The big thing is financial stuff they’ll offer you – the more impressive your application is, the more likely to get academic scholarships. My seminary also had me fill out some forms explaining my financial situation, so that they would know to offer me more financial aid as needed. The amazing thing about my seminary though is that they offer full tuition to everyone who gets in! And all seminaries as far as I know are pretty great about helping with financing their students’ education. See this post for more on financial stuff.

An average week in seminary:

Okay, the average week at any seminary is likely to be different. Note also that I’m going to describe the average week of a first-year student – it changes for second and third year students.

Oh yeah, to mention that: at my seminary at least, the MDIV takes three years and the MFT program takes five. You can also be a part time student which means it’ll take longer. For MDIVs, you have to take Hebrew and Greek and you also have to intern for a year at a nearby church to graduate. I’m doing my church placement my second year. And if you are pursuing ordination, you likely want to be working on whatever your denomination requires for ordination while you’re at seminary – you don’t magically get your ordination when you graduate, just your masters. For my denomination, for instance, I have to do some work as a chaplain in order to be ordained, so I’m likely doing that next summer.

Let’s start with classes and homework in an average week:

I take four classes, and workload-wise they remind me a lot of undergrad. Most classes meet either two or three times a week, and are either 50 minutes or an hour and 15 minutes each time. Some classes are primarily lecture, most involve lecture and discussion, and some are primarily discussion. They all involve a lot of reading. Many students get away with not always doing all the readings though, haha. Fall (September through mid-December) and spring (February through early May) are the main two semesters, but there are also short classes available in January and summer.

Along with reading, homework varies; I’ll describe my typical homework for my four current classes:

For Black Church Studies, we basically read one book and have one 1000-word essay due every two weeks.

Scripture II (New Testament) is sort of bizarre in that there are no major essays due and we only have one textbook (well, plus the Bible). Homework is to read a chapter of the textbook and write a 300-600 word summary on it for each class meeting. Each chapter is on a different book / letter of the New Testament. For this coming Monday, my summary on Ephesians is due. (On a side note, at the end of this semester I’ll probably share a google doc of all my summaries if anyone is interested; they’re good for quick overviews of the content and contexts of the Gospels and letters!)

History of Christian Experience I (the first century CE through 1453) has us write three 1200-1400 word essays throughout the semester. For each class meeting, a fifty-word sentence answering a question about the reading is due. This class has the heaviest reading load – seriously, some nights I don’t actually get to read everything thoroughly; I try my best to, but every now and then I have to skim instead.

Hebrew Exegesis (my fave!!) has five papers throughout the semester (that counts the final). For each paper, we translate a short passage from the Hebrew Bible (Old Testament) and provide historical context, talk about literary structure, do word studies on it, and so on. There were also several (6 I think) translation exercises due throughout the semester, in which you have to translate around 10 sentences from Hebrew. This class also involves reading, but not as much as the other classes. You have to read commentaries and look through dictionaries in order to write the papers.

I had a good number of quizzes and some tests for basically every class last semester; this semester, I have literally zero tests or quizzes in any class, just a lot of papers (all my finals this time around are take-home essays).

It’s hard for me to really explain how fun the classes are? but I love them. They teach so much, and challenge you to think.

Moving on to worship at seminary:

We open every class meeting with a prayer. And on Thursdays and Fridays, there are chapel services led by either a teacher or a student (usually seniors). Because so many different people lead the services, you get a really wide variety of services, which I think is really cool! Not only Presbyterians attend this seminary – in fact, I think it’s something like 50 or 60% of students and faculty here are not Presbyterian. I love seeing how different traditions worship.

And community life here:

Classes are small and therefore tight-knit. I love my class; there are around 30 of us in total I think and around 20 of those are MDIV like me. We all joke around and support and pray for each other, and study together and help one another out when needed. When you need anything, whether it’s notes from a class you missed or a ride to the airport or some groceries because you’re low on cash, someone will help you out.

There are so many groups on campus you can join. We’ve got students in governmental positions, for instance, and students in various committees, from the Faith Life committee to the More Light (LGBT) committee, and from the Worship committee to the Gender and Ministry committee. I do a lot to help out with the community garden. There’s also a grassroots group for environmental stuff – I am assigned to take out the recycling in one of the school buildings to do my part with that. My seminary’s “big thing” is racial dialogue, so there are many classes, workshops, and other events that deal with that. Unfortunately the More Light group isn’t all that active this year, but when there are events I go to them!

If there’s an issue you care about that is not already addressed by a group on campus, it’s possible to make it happen. I just gave a workshop on how to make ministry more welcoming to transgender people. And a classmate and I plan to hold some workshop type events on accessibility and ableism this coming fall.

Conclusion:

So yeah, life in seminary involves balancing schoolwork with participating in the seminary community, your own life (many students here have jobs and/or kids), worship / your faith life, and doing the “field ed” aspect of seminary – church placements and chaplaincy for MDIVs, counseling/therapy for MFTs.

I personally find myself exhausted pretty often thanks to the ol’ mental illness and neurodivergence, so it’s important to take care of yourself. Teachers for the most part are very understanding and willing to give extensions on papers and the like, so that helps. And like I said, when you need something, classmates have your back.

I cannot emphasize enough how enriching the classes are, how intelligent the teachers are, or how warm and family-like the students are. It’s all wonderful.

If you have more questions about seminary, let me know!

[eeveelutionsforequality]

on the whole "white genocide" thing -- why do people care? itd be one thing if what they were complaining about was people actively calling for the execution of an entire demographic, but thats. absolutely not whats happening and i do not comprehend why this is so urgent to anyone?? its not like culture and tradition are suddenly gonna stop existing just bc everyones kids are mixed lmao, nothings being lost. what are these people so afraid of?

I don't know. I honestly can't understand being concerned that in twenty or so generations time there might be nobody left who's a ~pure blood~ of any of what we currently consider the races. So what? That's kinda how evolution and genetic diversity works.

The differences between human races are barely worth noting and they blur at the edges, and skin colour is actually less of a difference than other things (facial structure, for example) - like, there are some non-white people who are more genetically and physically similar to white people than they are to other people who are the same colour as them but from another part of the planet, because their ancestry is so completely different. It's a lot more complicated than just black, white and brown when you get into the actual biology - and ultimately the differences are practically insignificant or negligible, especially when compared to other genetic differences that are nothing to do with race. There are trends within the races, but overall the differences between individuals and the effects of environmental factors are vastly more important.

To me it's like being concerned that people are getting taller on average and deciding that you only want to breed with short people so that you can preserve the short race. Bitch, you were gonna be dead by the time it disappeared anyway, and why does it matter? Like, why the hell does it matter what people are going to look like in the future? I can't fathom it. Like, you should want to have kids with a person who you love, who you trust to help you raise kids, who you can tolerate the snoring of for the next fifty years. And, on top of that, what are these "preserve phenotypes" people gonna do? Raise their kid to think like them and hope they'll do the same for their kid and other white people out there will be doing the same, or just accept that the kid might go on to marry a black person and undo all of their hard work? Short of having closed off communities and a genetic disaster, or forcing it on a national or international level, there's no way to maintain it in the long run. End of the day, you're gonna be happier on your death bed if you're looking back at a life with people you loved, rather than a life with someone who seemed genetically appropriate but turned out to have a darn brown eyes gene hiding somewhere in there that ruined your perfect ayrian sprog. You're gonna achieve your dreams if your dream is to live the best life for you, but if it's to preserve a skin colour in the future not only will you not succeed, but you won't even live to see the fruits of your labour.

I just cannot understand being concerned about it. It doesn't matter how people are born looking in three hundred years, it really doesn't. What matters is being happy now. And like you said, as long as nobody's calling for execution or treating people as second class citizens or stopping them breeding, it doesn't matter. Nobody should care if you get with a white person or a black person or whatever, regardless of which you are. It's nobody's business.

~ Vape

[riichardwilson]

10 Popular Myths About Leadership and How to Overcome Them

Leadership is bestowed on whoever is willing to make decisions and take responsibility for the consequences.

Opinions expressed by Entrepreneur contributors are their own.

Close your eyes for a second and conjure-up a mental image of a leader. What do you see? Do you picture a politician, CEO or military leader? It’s easy to see why these type of images come to someone’s mind. Leaders are often viewed as someone who is decisive, smart and outgoing. In some cases, leaders may appear just a little bit intimidating.

The problem with an image that suggests an aggressive persona of authority is that it can prevent some potentially strong leaders from pursuing leadership roles or reaching their full potential. It’s easy to misconstrue and have a misconception of what a leader is and isn’t.

With that in mind, let’s identify 10 of the most popular myth about leadership so that you can discover new opportunities and effectively take charge of your team.

1. Entrepreneurial leadership.

There’s an assumption that all entrepreneurs are natural-born leaders. The reality is that just because you had a fantastic and timely idea doesn’t mean that you’re capable of organizing, operating, and scaling a business — even if that become a multi-million dollar business.

Even though you’re the “founder” of your business don’t automatically believe that you’re in the best position to be its leader. Leadership isn’t tied to a job description. It’s having a vision and getting others to buy into it, growing talent, listening, and influencing others. Those are all qualities that can come from an outside CEO hire, like what LinkedIn did with Jeff Weiner, to the lowest levels of your organization.

If you don’t feel that you possess strong leadership qualities, then it’s best to check your ego at the door and hand the reins over to who does maintain the best skills in leadership.

Related: The Entrepreneur as Leader

2. Leaders can’t show vulnerability.

Perhaps one of the most prevalent myths is that leaders, no matter the situation, must dig-in and stand their ground. If they accept fault, change direction, or listen to others, then that’s a sign of weakness. Of course, this couldn’t be further from the truth.

Strong leaders own their mistakes so that they can learn from them. They’re receptive to feedback — even when it’s negative. They don’t have all the answers. And, they show-off their humanity by listening and caring for their employees.

3. A great leader is cold, fierce and omnipotent.

I’m sure at some point you’ve worked with a leader who is a know-it-all. They act tough, talk a big game, and separate themselves from the rest of the team. Now, think about your performance while under this individual? I bet you weren’t as productive and motivated as you could have been, right?

Employees want their leaders to care for them genuinely. They want to feel respected. And, the employee wishes for their thoughts and concerns to be listened to with kindness. The best way to sharpen these leadership skills is by boosting emotional intelligence. Increasing your emotional IQ will help you become more self-aware, empathetic, and a better communicator. As a result, you’ll build a strong rapport with your team.

4. Extroverted leaders are preferred.

What’s the difference between extroverts and introverts? Most people believe an extrovert is how they act in social settings. Extroverts are thought to be more outgoing and confident. Introverts are considered shy and withdrawn. However, being extroverted or introverted has more to do with how we process information.

Extroverts work through problems by discussing them and seeking the advice and input from others. Introverts process their thoughts and conflicts internally. Because of these differences, it shouldn’t be surprising that extroverts are drawn to leadership roles. Being a leader means engaging with other people, right?

The reality is that not all extroverts are cut-out to be leaders. A lot of successful individuals, such as Warren Buffett, Bill Gates, Barack Obama, and Marissa Mayer, are introverts. Just because you’re not the head of a department or comfortable in crowds doesn’t mean that you should sell yourself short. You may still possess the right leadership skills to inspire others.

Related: Why Introverts May Be Better at Business Than Extrovert

5. There’s not enough time to develop leadership skills.

As with any skill worth having, it takes time to develop. Using the “no time” is a poor excuse. We all have the same 24-hours in a day. And, we’re all swamped. Somehow, plenty of other leaders can deepen their leadership skills without a problem.

The problem isn’t that there aren’t enough hours in the day. It’s that you aren’t managing your time correctly. For example, waking-up 30-minutes earlier, batching related work, or delegating less critical tasks to others could free-up extra time. You can then use this time to read, take a course, or work with a coach or mentor.

6. Leadership is synonymous with management.

Assuming that leadership is synonymous with good management is another common myth about leadership. Adequate direction and guidance cannot always be equated with a good commander. There are some reasonably significant distinctions between these two roles, such as:

Leaders create a vision; managers establish goals.

Managers maintain the status quo, while leaders are agents of change.

Leaders are self-aware and unique. Managers copy others and adapt and adopt others’ leadership style.

Managers control or avoid risk and problems, while leaders are willing to take risks.

Leaders keep focused on the big picture. Managers work on short-term goals.

Leaders learn something new every day; managers rely on their existing talents.

Managers build systems, while leaders construct relationships.

Leaders coach; managers assign tasks and provide guidance.

Managers have employees. Leaders, on the other hand, have loyal and dedicated fans.

If you have a team with multiple or complex goals, it’s important to know the difference between leadership and management. You can then develop either your leadership or management skills — depending on which you’re lacking. You may also want to consider finding someone to complement the skills that are scarce.

7. All leaders are trailblazers.

Being a trailblazer isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Trailblazers, after all, are ambitious, competitive, calculated risk-takers, and goal-oriented. At the same time, they’re also an independent and the driving force behind a business. An independent and driving force can make working with others a challenge.

For example, while you’re out impressing clients, investors, and customers through speaking engagements and pitches — there’s no one back rallying the troops. While trailblazers can definitely get people to jump on-board with their vision, leaders know when to step back. A true leader or manager will recognize talent and work alongside this team in order to propel everyone towards a shared mission and vision.

8. My team members always tell me the truth.

They may not be lying to you completely. But, your team is probably only giving you half-truths — especially if you are a hard character to deal with. You may be a complicated, emotionally depleted individual — thus it should be easy to understand why you have problems being a leader. If an employee shares bad news with you and you overreact, then why would they open up to you again?

Your employees should be able to be 100 percent transparent with you — but if you punish them, do you think they’ll repeat that same mistake? It’s not always easy to hear the truth. But, without all the information, you can’t make a more informed decision — nor can you grow as a leader.

To encourage your team to tell you the truth, build a culture of calmness where you control your emotions. What’s more, focus on what to do next instead of pointing fingers and giving people a second chance. Make it easy to receive and provide feedback. Think about furnishing an online survey or focus groups conducted by a third party. When you have an outside source for company “tips” that ensures anonymity — so that a team member doesn’t have to be afraid of repercussions.

Related: 6 Tips for Hearing Tough Feedback

9. The best leaders roll up their sleeves and get their hands dirty.

Obviously, “getting your hands dirty” doesn’t mean hiding in your office. There may times when you should be working side-by-side with employees — as long as it’s on the right activities. As a leader, you should be primarily focused on tasks like decisions, priorities, and accountabilities. Non-leadership tasks should be automated, delegated, or outsourced so that you’re not draining yourself mentally or physically.

Remember — lead with your work and not by prioritizing the work of others.

10. Leaders must always be “on.”

Finally, there’s a misconception that leaders are must be “on” 24/7/365. The truth is that everyone, regardless of the leadership position, needs a break from work. Checking your email throughout the weekend or when or vacation is a guaranteed way to burn yourself.

You need time away in order to reflect and focus on what matters, such as spending time with your family, exercising, or learning new information. By taking breaks, you can clear your head and de-stress. As a result, you’ll become a more energized, focused, and creative leader.

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source http://www.scpie.org/10-popular-myths-about-leadership-and-how-to-overcome-them/ source https://scpie.tumblr.com/post/612675982965506048