#because you are not giving the most engaged response physically possible and so that must mean that you don't care | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

penname-artist · 2 years

Text

So I have a thing I'd like to discuss.

This is one of those things where I was rooting around, found some weird shit, and now I'm just. Now I need to have this discussion. Are we ready for this discussion? I'm not really sure if we're ready for it, but we are going to have it.

This is a thing about some folk's pinned "about me" posts, which I totally understand having, but only to a certain extent. That extent ends at the point where people, however unintentionally, begin to police other people. And I've just gotta add my two cents to this matter.

A disclaimer before I piss people off: no, I am not encouraging any person to go out and say or do things against people who may do this. Everyone is entitled to have their own opinion or way of doing something, and regardless of intention there is no excuse on this earth to justify bullying or harassing an individual. I am not saying this to call out anyone, merely the concept at hand in which some may find themselves or people around them to use. In Tumblr specifically, this is far from an uncommon thing, so again I will clarify: I am labelling and observing a possible problem, not judging a person specifically. This is not meant to be taken personally or vengefully. And if it is taken as such, you are more than welcome to leave this post alone and keep scrolling.

Are we ready to discuss this now? Okay. We need to talk about this.

"Other people's opinions are not your place to control." Because of this fact, I am struggling to understand why some individuals choose to have long and oddly specific lists of DNI (or "do not interact") asking for specific groups of people to not be near them, when this - just in and of itself - serves no functional purpose whatsoever.

Some DNI things, yes, I get that. If you are there for a specific thing (let's say, hats), you probably don't want people to come into your space with other or unrelated things (like, the strawberry market), or especially things you find hurtful (like the pointy sticks club). No one wants to be harassed or bullied over something they enjoy.

However, there is a big difference between asking that people not leave you specific things, and demanding that other people step around your barriers.

If your first thought in response to that was "but people should RESPECT my boundaries!", Yes, but, you must understand: people can respect boundaries, when they misstep and you ask them to please mind the signs, but you cannot blatantly tell people what to do and what not to do, especially in a space that is open to the public.

What other people do, ultimately, is none of your business. It is not your responsibility. Do you know what IS your responsibility? What YOU do, how you respond - or don't respond - and your decisions are entirely yours to control.

This is why I struggle to understand particularly lengthy DNI listings. This does not serve any beneficial purpose of the user. This only informs a viewer - a person capable of making the decision for themselves whether to 'comply' or not. And that's just the thing. Any person, especially the people most say not to interact with them, do not care. Nothing is physically stopping them from existing near you, following, favoriting, etc. Don't want racist people? Guess what, most racist people don't even consider themselves to be racist, and even if they do, they don't give a rat's ass about your warning. It will not phase them. Worse, the more you scream "I do not want racist people", the more people will question your exact definitions of racism, and either A. Walk away feeling skeptical, or B. Challenge your position, in an often not so friendly manner.

There are exceptions. Some DNI warnings I do understand. Nothing in this world is ever truly black or white, and there are some key instances where DNI labels can be beneficial, for example an adult-oriented blog warning people under the age of eighteen not to engage, or a specific kind of shipper who would prefer not to involve themselves with 'fandom politics' as they would prefer to mind their own business and not be exhausted by heated debate. These may be in place for important legal reasons, or personal preferences which may just not be what a person is interested in. If I liked oranges, I sure don't know if I would want to have lengthy discussions about limes when I just came here for oranges.

I do get some of these things. But there are understandable zones, and there are less understandable zones, in a spectrum of subjective scale. Asking people to complete a checklist in order to interact with you may be considered quite a bit excessive, and unfortunately, also attracts the very thing it seeks to deter. Do not seek to be the kid with the piece of paper on his back that reads "DON'T BE MEAN TO ME" who is still bullied often, when you could be the kid who goes about his day, and when confronted with a painful jab, asks the person to please stop. This is the difference between a mature adult in control of their actions, and an immature tattle-tale who only wishes to gratify himself by making others favor him.

Taking control of yourself first is an extremely powerful tool of self-regulation - and self-love. You are better than this bad question about grapefruit - and you have the power to delete that. Just trying to control the rules of the world around you without putting in your effort to clean your own actions is a clear sign you yourself are not in control.

And by all means, take this from someone who has to be reminded of these things regularly. As someone with post-traumatic stress disorder for the last three years, I have had to slowly and painfully master the ways of controlling my own environment, as opposed to telling the environment how to be around me. I have been using filter tags which pick up many things that I would otherwise scroll right into and have flashbacks and panic attacks over. This is not something I ask other people to do for me, I don't expect people to bend over backwards for my triggers towards oddly specific things. If it happens, I am sure it is an accident. If it is not an accident, I have the power to block and remove them without needing to cause a ruckus. That is my own priority, and if they bring it to me, it is my priority to choose to step away from it.

Somewhere down the road, people are just going to be mean. Expect that. It's one of the many aspects of the world. Life is going to be mean. We can either choose to sit in learned helplessness, dictating the leaves drifting past us for wandering too close, or we can create our own ways of dealing with it, by getting up and making the change we need to feel safer and happier. I know the latter requires more work. But having a sliver of control and confidence in yourself is the key to becoming the greatest self possible.

#I rambled again #rant #dni rant #dni discussion post #please take this with a grain of salt

7 notes · View notes

fincrif · 10 months

Text

How To Use Collateral For Personal Loans ?

One approach to obtain additional funds is by taking out a personal loan. Most borrowers find the personal loan option appealing due to its versatility, as it may be utilised for a variety of purposes. These may include paying off debt, paying for medical expenses, and making large expenditures.

While the majority of lenders for personal loans don't require collateral, some do, particularly if you have little to no credit history or an unsatisfactory credit score.

A lender is more likely to lend you money if you have collateral since it reduces their risk. On the other hand, should you miss payments on your loan, you would forfeit your asset.

What Is Collateral?

To answer your question, it's best to define collateral if you're unsure if you need it for a personal loan.

Whatever asset you can use to support your loan is collateral, to put it simply. Qualifying becomes simpler as a result of the lender feeling more comfortable and less risked about lending you money.

Having collateral serves as a financial responsibility deterrent. Your lender will retain your asset if you default on your personal loan. You risk losing your house, for instance, if you pledge it as security for a loan that you are unable to pay back.

But when you take out a personal loan, there are a lot of advantages to putting up collateral. It is probable that lenders will provide you with longer payback terms and lower interest rates.

The value of your item will also affect the loan amount; personal loans with collateral typically have larger maximums. Lenders may be more inclined to lend money the higher the value. High-value objects like houses, cars, or investment accounts are typically used as collateral by borrowers because of this.

What Can Be Used as Collateral?

Although these are the most common ways for borrowers to secure a personal loan, you have other possibilities as well. You can also use the following assets as collateral for a secured personal loan:

Home

Collateral of this kind is often chosen to be your home or other real estate. Lenders and banks (NBFCs) are more likely to give lower borrowing rates if your home is valued higher.

When evaluating your home equity, lenders take your mortgage debt into account, so having paid off your mortgage puts you in a strong position to borrow a sizable sum. Even if you are making mortgage payments, you may still use your home as collateral. To support the loan, you must, however, make sure you have sufficient equity.

Vehicle

Even though it's not only your own automobile, a vehicle is another common choice for collateral. As well as trucks, you may use boats. Short-term loans, such as payday loans, are not the kind of personal loans you want to take out; even though you can lose your property if you are unable to repay your loan, it's usually a better option.

Additionally, it is advisable to find out what collateral a lender requires. Certain cars have depreciation and some won't let you drive older cars (those above five or seven years old).

Stock

While physical assets are typically used as collateral, this is not always the case. For instance, you can use your investment portfolio as collateral for a secured personal loan.

Don't anticipate, though, that the value of your portfolio and the amount of your loan will match. Typically, your loan will cover between 60% and 70% of the total value of your investment holdings.

A certificate of deposit or savings account may also be used, but you are limited to the amount it holds. You should also be aware that using your money as collateral may prevent you from accessing it, so that's something else to think about.

Jewellery

Using your jewellery as collateral for a personal loan can be a better choice if you're short on cash and thinking of selling it to raise money.

Necklaces, rings (especially engagement rings), earrings, and necklaces are usually accepted by financial centres. You may be asked to provide evidence of ownership, like receipts, by some lenders.

Before giving your belongings as collateral, it's also advisable to have them appraised by a jeweller. You can then decide whether the loan amount is worthwhile and determine their worth. Your interest rates will be lower and your loan amount will be larger if the collateral is more valuable than other assets.

Insurance Policies

Policies from insurance companies may also be pledged as security. Universal or whole life policies are accepted by most lenders for permanent life insurance. Mainly because you can usually borrow up to 90% of the amount, which is their cash worth component.

The lack of cash value accumulation makes term life policies less appealing. More danger for your lender arises from the fact that after the coverage expires, your loan becomes unsecured.

Your lender becomes the major beneficiary of a life insurance collateral assignment. Your policy may be surrendered and its surrender value collected by your lender if you are unable to make payments on it. They could also wait until you pass away before collecting your death benefit.

Precious Metals

Precious metals are an additional option for securing a personal loan, in addition to jewellery. Typically, platinum, silver, and gold are accepted by lenders.

Different types of precious metals exist. While jewellery is the primary source of them, they can also be found in other places. A few types of precious metals are coins, bars, and bullion.

A different kind of collateral is precious stones. Sapphires, emeralds, and diamonds are a few gemstones you can use.

#bank #loan apps #finance #personal loan online

0 notes

originalpackersandmoversblog · 1 year

Text

Keep your Valuable Goods Safe with Packers and Movers Mumbai!

Relocation is the wide process which consists of several other tasks which are hectic and complicated in nature but essential to execute for accomplishing the shifting process perfectly. These are always considered to be a big trouble, most importantly when you are alone and have no companion to help in executing relocation process. Shifting from one place to another demand to invest lots of physical force and accomplish stressful activities.

One needs to invest big amount of money, physical force and long hours of time to execute these all relocation tasks. Each and every task of relocation process is annoying i.e. from packing of goods to loading, moving, unloading and unpacking them at your new location. Undoubtedly, it is time consuming and needs to employ lots of cautiousness to keep the goods protected from not getting damaged.

In the present modern and busy world, it is not possible for everyone to get engage in this hectic process. If you are also planning to make a move to other location from your current location, then it is good to go for assistance of Packers and Movers Mumbai. They are professionals and experienced about executing relocation process with perfection. They give full assurance to customers about safe and timely relocation of goods at their desired location.

They load your goods from your doorstep at current location and delivered them at your doorstep of new location. Representative of professional moving company provides you best assistance during each and every stage of relocation and answer your all queries related with relocation process. Being expert and experienced, professionals own complete knowledge about how to pack, load, move, unload and unpack the valuable things.

Without their assistance, goods will not be packed properly and remains at risk of damage throughout the relocation. Professional moving companies own big team of diligent members who are fully trained and dedicated in executing their job responsibilities. They applies human touch while packing your goods as they understand and respect your emotions attached with your valuable stuff and thus ensures safe relocation of your goods.

Their relocation process begins with packing of goods in your current location and ends with arrangement of same packed goods at your new location. They provide service of both full move and customize move, where we can choose packing and moving services according to our wish and requirement. In terms of full move, all of the relocation tasks i.e. from packing of goods at your current relocation to rearranging of goods at new location are performed by the professionals, where as in customized move, only those services will be provided which you demanded for.

Undoubtedly, assistance of professionals proves fruitful in all aspects but to find a reliable and best moving company is essential. These days, competition has increased in large extent because of which N numbers of home removal companies are available but it’s hard to judge which one is genuine and which one is fraud. If in case you took wrong decision then your valuable goods can put into great risk.

So, you need to be attentive and extra careful while searching moving companies for relocating your goods. You need to verify whether the company is genuine and accessible to fulfill your entire relocation needs or not. You should focus on some of the qualities of company which can help you in taking best decision. Some of these qualities are:

A company must be ISO certified and also have large network of branches all around country to provide you better services.

They must have experience of long years in this specific field of packing and moving.

Packing material used by them must be of top quality to ensure higher safety and security to goods throughout the relocation process.

They must have team of trained experts to render best packing and moving assistance.

They must have their own and well designed vehicles to move your goods smoothly at your desired location.

They must have modernized techniques and equipments to execute the relocation task with expertise.

Check out whether the company is providing insurance coverage facility or not.

These professionals also deal in all different types of relocations such as domestic, international, corporate, industrial, car relocation and others. Hiring them proves to be a wise decision in all aspects. Nowadays, market is flooded with the packers and movers who claim to provide world-class service depending upon your relocation needs and requirements. It is not necessary that all of them are true.

It’s your whole sole responsibility to pick out the best for you, as it’s about safe relocation of your possessions. So, you do your search intensely and also take references from your near and dear ones who have hired packing and moving services in the past. Another way to reach the genuine one is to go through customer reviews available on official websites of different Packers and Movers in Mumbai. Also check the experience of company and never go with the newly registered companies.

Moving to a new place can be a daunting task, especially when it comes to the safety of your valuable goods. However, hiring professional packers and movers in Mumbai can help you keep your belongings safe during the moving process.

They are experienced and trained professionals who can help you pack and move your belongings with utmost care and efficiency. They use high-quality packing materials to ensure that your goods remain safe during the transit.

Moreover, they have specialized equipment and vehicles to transport your belongings safely. They also provide insurance coverage for your goods, which ensures that you are protected in case of any damage or loss during the move.

By hiring professional packers and movers in Mumbai, you can save yourself from the stress and hassle of packing and moving your goods on your own. You can relax and let the experts take care of everything, ensuring that your valuable goods are in safe hands.

Therefore, if you are planning to move to a new place in Mumbai, it is highly recommended that you hire professional packers and movers to keep your valuable goods safe and secure during the move.

#best packers and movers in mumbai #reliable packers and movers in mumbai #original agarwal packers and movers in mumbai #reliable agarwal movers in mumbai

0 notes

maacwanowrie · 1 year

Text

The Top 5 Image Optimization Techniques for Aspiring Web Designers

According to research, a consumer stays on a website for an average of 45 seconds. Not hours, but minutes! How can one encourage people to stay on their website longer, given that there are a million websites on the Internet? Web design is the solution.

A vfx classes in Pune teaches students how to manipulate images on the screen to create visual effects that cannot be captured in real life. A course in visual effects will train you to become an expert in the discipline. VFX, or visual effects, refers to the creation of visuals that are physically impossible to construct.

Once you are aware of the requirements of website users and the brand's mission, understanding web designs is simple. When you are making adjustments to stay current with trends, which is vital because classic aesthetics quickly become stale and monotonous, it might seem daunting at times. But it's crucial that you include the brand's identity into your design. Picking the right photos for your website is one of the finest methods to accomplish this.

In this piece, we'll examine pictures, a key component of web design that has persisted despite fashion. Images evoke feelings, stimulate audience response, and boost engagement. Every aspiring site designer should be familiar with the picture optimization advice provided here.

1. Use the proper image file type first.

JPEG and PNG are the two most used picture file types. PNG format is a popular option for use on the web since it offers lossless compression. However, PNG is only a suitable option for storing line art, text, and recognizable visuals in small file sizes. JPEG is your best option if your website plans to use photographs and realistic visuals. Animations with a basic design can use GIFs.

2. Image Resizing

To achieve both aesthetic and functional goals, select photos with web-friendly dimensions. To improve page speed and aesthetics, resize them. This helps the website load more quickly and gives it a balanced appearance. Websites with lots of images take a while to upload, which increases bounce rates. A recommended image size is less than 500kb, according to Google. Your photos should be compressed to 60–70% of their original size. Make use of compression plugins for this.

3. Give image files a name and add alt text

Images on websites boost SEO. Make sure to properly enter each image's label and optimize the alternate text (Alt text) for search engine optimization. Don't miss the chance to improve your SEO rankings by using the proper filename and Alt text. File names should be chosen so that Google Images can easily find them. For instance, rename a file to "before-and-after-green-screen.jpeg" rather than "Greenscreeneffect123.jpeg". To explain the image, use pertinent titles and captions.

4. Make it suitable for social media

Any firm can reach a sizable potential market through social media. Make it simple for users to share your material by offering buttons to immediately publish to Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and other social media sites. This will give your website's photographs the biggest social boost possible.

5. Design eye-catching website banners

As they are the first item noticed when a visitor accesses the website, website banners serve the function of creating a focal point. Therefore, it is crucial to get the banner correct because it only has a few seconds to grab a visitor's attention and persuade them to continue browsing the website. This is only possible if the banner is eye-catching, distinctive, and enticing to viewers. It must also provide the proper message. Its primary objective is to promote your brand or goods.

Before adding picture elements to a website, use these tactics. It will boost the entire user experience as well as the website's appearance, functionality, and SEO rankings.

0 notes

akaraboonline · 2 years

Text

7 incredibly stupid issues that couples argue on

Perfect partnerships don't require complete agreement; instead, they require compromise and similar worldviews. They center on sharing fundamental principles, being really open to hearing what the other person has to say, and attempting to comprehend differences without passing judgment. That doesn't mean, though, that people in healthy relationships never argue. We all get into arguments from time to time, and as long as they're not too serious, I think that's good. So let's discuss the utterly silly arguments that couples frequently have.

1. “Where Do You Wanna Eat?”

7 incredibly stupid issues that couples argue on Nowadays, we have too many options, so picking a place to eat lunch or supper can easily turn into a pointless argument. Every corner is home to a café or restaurant, and they are all vastly different in terms of the food, furnishings, and ambiance. Determining just one is therefore quite difficult. Thus, after engaging in a 40-minute discussion about cafes, you finally decide to order pizza.

2. “What do you want for dinner?”

7 incredibly stupid issues that couples argue on Bringing up ordering at home. These days, takeout is so common that simply the inquiry "what do you want for dinner?" might cause anxiety. Do you recall the good old days when your only genuine ordering options were pizza or Chinese? Wasn't it great, by the way? Nowadays, you can order anything and have it delivered in 30 minutes or less, whether it be something as straightforward as pizza, sushi, Chinese food, mac & cheese, or as complex as a raw vegan gluten-free cuisine. And with so many choices, there are only 2 possible outcomes: order a little bit of everything, or order nothing at all.

3. “What to watch?”

Here's something amusing. Today, choosing a movie at the theater is simpler than deciding what to watch at home. Because when you go to the movies, you can sort of look at the 10–15 films that are playing and choose the one that appears most intriguing. You can choose from all of Netflix, Amazon, and Hulu at home. Leaving aside YouTube You could spend the entire evening scrolling through the alternatives, after all.

4. “Who is going to throw out the garbage?”

7 incredibly stupid issues that couples argue on Even though fighting over trash is absurd, we've all done it. To begin with, you must actually choose whose job it is, which is a small battle in and of itself. Because how do you choose who is the house's appointed trash collector? However, if you take turns, you'll inevitably forget who's turn it is when. And even once you've worked it out, you're still going to occasionally forget to do it, which leads to conflict. If there were some magical method to make trash vanish, everything would be so much simpler.

5. “Do I look fat?”

It used to be a common joke made about women, as if we were the only ones who occasionally felt that way. But nowadays, even males are asking themselves this issue. Thank you, media, for creating erroneous standards for everyone's physical appearance. The hardest part is that there isn't a simple response to the query "Do I look fat?" "Yes" is not an option. That would be incredibly impolite. You also cannot reply, "Pffft, no. The absurdity of that That gives it a disdainful appearance. Therefore, in order to win over the other person, you must either be careful with your words and compliments or get ready to battle.

6. “I’m fine.”

If there is one thing I am certain of in this world, it is that when someone claims to be OK, they are most definitely NOT fine, and a fight will eventually break out. Hearing those statements is similar to staring at a ticking time bomb.

7. Which way the toilet roll should hang

The most ludicrous justification for a fight is also the most frequent one. I can't even begin to count the number of times I've argued with someone about it or angrily changed the roll in someone else's bathroom. In fact, I'm fairly confident that the fact that my partner and I share this viewpoint is one of the reasons I am still in a relationship. I imagine we would always fight if we didn't. Read the full article

1 note · View note

amourdivine · 2 years

Text

𝐓𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐏𝐈𝐍𝐊 𝐕𝐄𝐍𝐎𝐌 ઉ protect your energy.

hello, my loves! in this tarot reading, i will be looking at what has been taking away your peace or pulling at your energy and how you can protect yourself from it. unfortunately as we all know, not everyone has our best interests at hear, but we can handle it with as much grace and love as possible. if you enjoy this reading, please consider tipping me via paypal @ [email protected]!

disclaimer. this reading is for entertainment purposes only. it is not a substitute for medical and professional advice, nor is it meant to be taken as such. i do not take responsibility for any choice(s) made by you or others regarding my readings. please remember you are responsible for life and in power of it, no one else! ♡

♡ ♡ ♡ pick a card masterlist & information.

the piles.

1 → 2 3 → 4

how to choose your pile. take deep breaths for a few minutes & look at each one of the piles separately. which one sparks a feeling inside you? which pile gives you a strong memory or calls out to you the most? take your time and feel free to come back to it later.

amourdivine. © do not copy, redistribute or edit my content.

PILE ONE.

who or what is harming your energy field? eight of cups / queen of wands rx / the devil.

Something or someone you’ve walked away from. I am not getting romantic energy at all, so this is a platonic connection, most likely an ex-friend who was either very demanding, dramatic or controlling. With this Devil energy, they might still try to have a hold on your energy by checking your social media, gossiping or talking about you. I think they’re very resentful or angry, but it’s not something they’re letting it show. I don’t think this person is necessarily sending you “evil eye” and even if they are, they’re not super successful. For most of you, they’re annoyed and waiting for you to come back. You’re likely being hit with some dizzy spells, maybe brain fog. The effect on you seems to be more physical and mental than emotional, so if you feel drained of energy, sleepy or off these days, it might be because this person still has some kind of access to you. They may be spiteful or vengeful behind the scenes. I think you’re extremely protected at this time, because your spirit guides are not allowing me access to your energy, but please beware of this person’s intentions.

how can you protect yourself from it? page of pentacles rx / justice / ten of pentacles rx.

Protect your material or financial resources at this time. Make sure you’re being balanced with who or what you’re putting your energy into, mainly at work or study. I keep getting “Instagram,” so please avoid posting too many things or details about your life right now, especially good news from your achievements. Cancel plans if needed. Delete pictures, texts, phone calls and memories of this person. Be firm with your boundaries, firmer than you’ve been before. The sword in this Justice card makes me think of communication and truth, so you must be careful when confronting this person (if you haven’t) and not display too much emotion or carelessness. Stay guarded for now, disconnect and disengage, detach emotionally. Remember not to engage from an emotional place with this person or situation, because it might turn against you. Also, with the Page of Pentacles in reverse, this person could be trying to put dark spells or dark magic on you. If you are adept of spell jars and other self-protection rituals, I also recommend you do it. At this moment, focus inward. Your energy is not worth giving access to! Especially not this person! Stay beautiful, pile one.

if you enjoyed this reading, please consider tipping me via paypal at [email protected] or booking a personal reading with me!

PILE TWO.

who or what is harming your energy field? four of wands / two of pentacles / three of swords.

The message here is very clear: a long term commitment, relationship or situation that you’ve been juggling for far too long. This is something that started off very solid and promising, but over time, you may be taking on all the responsibility in order to keep it going. It’s breaking your heart, pile one, and I think you’re well aware of it. Your intuition has tried to warn you and protect you, but sometimes, it’s hard to give up on the things and people we love, so you might be hesitant to leave. Maybe you pride yourself on not being a quitter, on being someone who doesn’t give up - and indeed, that is something worth being proud of! But you deserve people in your energy field who also embody this determination to make things work, to keep it going. Maybe the flame and the spark in this situation is long gone, but you are trying to maintain it by doing all the heavy work. If it’s a job, you might be afraid of losing an upcoming opportunity if you suddenly find yourself “slacking,” which is totally understandable. But this situation is causing you a lot of emotional pain, a lot of chest aches and crying at night. If not, it could be affecting your heart space or heart chakra.

how can you protect yourself from it? the devil / seven of wands / king of swords.

Release your need to control this situation, because it’s been controlling you in the end. With the Seven of Wands and the King of Swords, you must know you’re allowed to stand your ground. Don’t avoid conflict or difficult conversations. The odds may seem like they’re not at all in your favor in this situation, but you might’ve been tricked to think you are overpowered when you actually aren’t. Shifting your focus towards the things you can do and the steps you can take to leave this difficult place is what’ll help you. Maybe this is some kind of home situation (I forgot to consider it in the previous section) that you aren’t able to leave or haven’t been able to leave so far, but you must take action in order to move forward. You can unite logic with passion, with energy and physical strength to battle this. It makes me think of a “warrior” kind of mindset, someone who fights until the bitter end for themselves. This may be a random message, but you can empower yourself through songs, playlists and affirmations as well.

PS: If you’re quite young or a minor and you don’t have the resources to leave your home, seek help through other adults who can assist you, especially if you have access to counseling! Strengthening your mental health will be the key to setting yourself free from the control that’s taking over you. I’m sending you all of my love, sweetest.

if you enjoyed this reading, please consider tipping me via paypal at [email protected] or booking a personal reading with me!

PILE THREE.

who or what is harming your energy field? knight of pentacles / justice / the chariot.

This may be a boss or some kind of mentor at your school or workplace who’s demanding a lot out of you. It may even be a father figure, someone who’s very mature and well-experienced, but conservative and non-emotional. You may feel they’re not being completely fair towards you, or that they are too strict and expect you to work harder and harder. For some, this may even be yourself! You could be working towards a project or a goal and it’s taking its toll on you, but I really don’t see any sort of malicious energy coming from this. Of course, since it’s harming your energy field, it’s still important to address it, but you have your eyes on the prize and it can be leading you towards some sort of burnout. The self-discipline may be excessive, or you may be spending nights awake ensuring you’ve completed all your tasks. In the case that this Knight of Pentacles represents someone else, it may be making you anxious or causing you to overthink certain things. The effect this situation has on you is quite mental, to be honest. If this Knight of Pentacles represents you, it may manifest in the form of self-doubt, paranoia, inflexibility, a lack of progress and even back pains. Although you know what you want and how you can achieve it, this process is causing you unnecessary tension, conflict and even delays in your desires.

how can you protect yourself from it? two of pentacles rx / the hermit rx / five of pentacles rx.

Ask for help, delegate tasks and do not take on more than you can handle. That’s definitely not a weakness! You may have become “hyper-independent” and adopted a tendency to not lean on people or admit that you’re not doing very well. Maybe this Knight of Pentacles isn’t even aware you’re not doing quite well at this moment, so it’s important to communicate this if you can. You might have even isolated yourself in shame or completely rejected the idea that you’re worthy of achieving the things you want, despite working so hard towards it. You’re not alone! If you’re a student, ask for questions, join a study group or even a forum, if you’re on the shy or more introverted side. You’re trying to be too responsible at this time and you may have forgotten how to have fun, how to have a pleasant social life, enjoy the present and other people’s company. Life isn’t just study, study, study or work. Self-isolation can be beneficial for introspection and healing, but we’re not always meant to heal or learn on our own. You’re so talented, pile two. You’ve got what it takes - and much more, to succeed. Needing help is not anything to be ashamed of. You’ve got this.

if you enjoyed this reading, please consider tipping me via paypal at [email protected] or booking a personal reading with me!

PILE FOUR.

who or what is harming your energy field? the star rx / the high priestess rx / three of wands rx.

This is definitely an inward energy, so it’s not something that’s coming directly from someone or something else. I think this can be a mental or emotional struggle that’s caused you to lose faith and disconnect from yourself and your desires, especially your intuition. You may have become completely skeptical that your plans will ever come to fruition, that you’re worth anything or even trusting yourself. This could be caused by a difficult mental condition (if that is the case, I’m sending you so much love, compassion and care) and might manifest through self-sabotaging behaviours, from heightened emotions to more self-destructive things. You may not even know what you want at this point, lack any desire to keep moving forward or regain the spark you’ve had for life. It feels like a very hopeless, defeated place that you could be in, and if you’ve been blaming yourself for it, it’s making it even worse, because you may lack compassion towards yourself and the self-blame or the shame only gets worse from there. The message here is very straightforward, because it’s a limiting belief or a struggle inside you that’s hindering your peace.

how can you protect yourself from it? nine of pentacles / the fool / three of swords.

Wow, okay. First of all, you haven’t realized how much beauty, strength and love you radiate. Maybe these difficult feelings have been overwhelming you, but the universe is calling you to feel them instead of shutting them down, shaming yourself and hiding in fear. There’s a lot of gentleness that Spirit is offering you, a lot of compassion towards you - like life knows how much you’ve suffered and endured. It’s enough, it is. You never deserved it in the first place, no matter how much you blame yourself for things, there’s a new beginning that’s coming in your life and it’s up to you to take it. “Spring” keeps coming to mind, but more so in a metaphorical sense (if that’s making any sense), like you’ll finally see yourself blossom into the person you deserve to see yourself as. The heartache is not a character flaw, it’s not a weakness. It really makes you human. While The Fool represents new beginnings, it also represents taking the courage to step into the unknown, but you’re doing it out of experience. You’ve learnt a lot - whether you know it or not - and it’s not something you should take for granted. I remember this quote from the movie Amelie I read last week: “Your bones are not made of glass. You can take life's knocks.” And maybe you haven’t realized your own strength yet, but a lot of people have and a lot of people are cheering for you. Enough surviving, okay? You can take small, small steps towards living again.

PS: For a lot of you, I keep getting the message for you to go outside, for some reason. Taking walks is important, opening your windows, breathing in fresh air, stepping onto the crunchy leaves (if you live in the Northern Hemisphere) or listening to the birds in the morning (if you’re in the Southern Hemisphere and it’s spring for you).

if you enjoyed this reading, please consider tipping me via paypal at [email protected] or booking a personal reading with me!

#pick a card #pick a card reading #tarotblr #tarot reading #tarot pick a card #witchblr #tarot readings #tarot reader #tarot #pick a pile #pick a pile reading #tarot pick a pile #tarot readers #tarot community #*

329 notes · View notes

yesimwriting · 3 years

Note

Hello! Your Nikolai fic tranquility is so beautiful! Can you write more for Nikolai? Maybe the opposite with reader having a nightmare? Or whatever you want just please give me more! If you have a tagging list I'd love to be included btw :)

A/n hii!! first off,, thank you! i was a little nervous about writing him for the first time,, but i love him so much (even though i love a good villain/morally grey character in love i think nikolai would probably make the least toxic bf in the grishaverse lol)

you gave me a little too much freedom here lol bc i have so many ideas for him!! lowkey might need to give him a longer fic/series soon when i catch up with requests!! WOW THIS FIC IS SO LONG AND FOR WHAT

Summary: Reader is a handmaid who has grown up assisting Nikolai. Through the years, the two have developed a special relationship that most definitely breaks royal protocol--they’re best friends and rivals on a good day, and dangerously close to being something more the second either of them is remotely upset or extremely happy. Learning about the fact that Nikolai was almost engaged to Alina (a good friend of yours) and being reminded of the fact that as royalty Nikolai has many prospects (both serious women worthy of his title and women only suitable for trysts meant to relieve tension) has you both realizing something you should have years ago.

Word count: 31210

Warnings: disclaimer--may not be the most cannon thing ever,, but i wanted the ‘child of the help competes and falls in love with the child of royalty’ energy okay?? Lol

I could do a whole blurb series with this dynamic nikolai x reader,, like just stories of them growing up together and randomly realizing they might like each other romantically?? I probably shouldn’t rn but i ADORE this trope.

The perfection of the room is disappointing. Idle hands, idle thoughts--so I work to smooth out a perfect duvet. Still, the thoughts come--aggressive and unavoidable. It’s silly, maybe even sad, to feel possessive over something that’s never been yours, something that could never be yours, but the harder I fight off the feeling the stronger it grows. Jealousy is a weed growing quickly in my chest, vile roots planted firmly in my heart.

Normally my favorite part of the day would be waiting for Nikolai to return to his room in the palace after dinner and his evening duties. He’s always a bit softer in the evenings, during my last check-in of the day. I’m normally thrilled to be done organizing his room early because that means the second he arrives there will be no distraction. Most evenings, he’ll find me perched in the seat by his bed, reading. He’ll mock-scold me for daring to defy his orders and reading ahead from the book we both take turns reading aloud from each night. He then warns me that I better react exactly the way I did when I first read it or else. That threat is always followed by a gentle laugh.

Tonight I’m in no mood for our nightly banter or even our nightly reading. My mother had warned me of the dangers of getting too comfortable with the royal family. I should have heeded that warning when she first gave it to me, the morning she found Nikolai and I fast asleep on a couch in the library as children. The palace likes to bring up the children of the staff by training them to attend to the next generation of royals. It makes the staff more efficient, a lifetime of knowing what someone wants makes you better for them. It also creates some level of connection, making betrayal a little less likely. Nikolai and I might have taken it farther than most. But now I want a reminder of the way we’re supposed to be--maybe if I detach now the bleeding of my heart won’t kill me. That has to remain secret, because if I explain it to Nikolai something in me will break. The one line between us will be crossed.

This will be the sixth secret I’ve kept from Nikolai in my entire life.

The secrets:

I don’t know why I was picked for Nikolai. I wasn’t particularly skilled, but still, the day came when my mother was told that I now worked directly for the Lantsov boy. It’s an honor, a true one, but my mother had been a little nervous. To whom much is given, much is expected--and I detested Nikolai. Not for being a prince, but for being a prince who thought girls couldn’t race or fight.

The day my mother came looking for me because I never showed up for dinner and she found Nikolai and I attempting to fight in the way only a ten-year-old girl and eleven-year-old boy would, she had looked truly mortified. Nikolai had only laughed, either oblivious to my mother’s embarrassment or uncaring about it. He had then hugged me--an expression of care that had left me reeling. I saw him more as a rival than someone to tend to, but in that moment I saw him as a friend. Even more so when he told me he didn’t want me to go yet and that he was upset that so much of the day had been wasted by studies that kept him with boring people and away from me. And then he invited me to his lessons--my mother was quick to attempt to decline politely, but the desires of a prince at any age outweigh that of a mother.

After that, everyone kind of just stopped trying to remind us of our propriety. The tutor at first was concerned about my presence, but Nikolai remained stubborn. I wasn’t a big enough deal to cause an argument, so I began to attend lessons with him almost every day, only staying away when my mother needed aid with laundry or cleaning. His parents must have been somewhat aware of our friendship, but they must have been oblivious to our closeness because it was never mentioned.

My mother’s worry began to ease, she’d even started to take some pride when I’d come to our room proudly proclaiming that I scored two marks higher than Nikolai. She did, however, warn that it might be more tactful to let him score higher.

The comment was casual, just a suggestion, but it left me feeling wrong. It was the first time since we met that I had thought about our different statuses. I didn’t tell him--and that was the first secret I ever kept from him.

As we grew, we traded physical competition for academic rivalry, trying to best each other in both lessons and games of strategy like chess and cards. But with growing comes responsibility. Nikolai started to have obligations that were meant to be private. I couldn’t follow him at all times. But he’d always come back from locked door meetings grinning like he carried schoolyard gossip instead of government secrets. He shared everything with me, even when I playfully warned against it.

He’d always step closer when I teased that perhaps he shouldn’t tell me everything. And then he’d say, “If I can’t trust you, then I can’t trust anyone--and I don’t want to live in a world like that.” Often, he’d give my hand a light squeeze before moving on like he had not said anything intimate.

On a day in which Nikolai was in one of those meetings, I became a woman. When I first saw the blood, I had been horrified--but my mother was quick to explain that it was natural. She said that I was now a woman, a wonderful thing, really--but a thing that came with obligations. She told me that I could no longer have the impromptu ‘sleepovers’ with Nikolai unless he ordered it. I told her he’s never ordered me to do anything for him.

She didn’t ease, something in her had started to become nervous again. My mother had recently started to act the way she did when Nikolai and I first became friends. I didn’t want to fall asleep in Nikolai’s bed while I was bleeding, but I didn’t want to never have another sleepover with him again. Especially not when she refused to explain why being a woman changed so much.

I had decided to avoid Nikolai as much as possible until the sting of my mother’s new rule faded. Unfortunately, that night Nikolai was extra talkative--excited as he insisted I stay for a little longer. Soon, I found his familiar good naturedness melting away my nerves and before I knew it I was laughing in the middle of the night. When my eyelids started to feel heavy, I had moved from the chair, ready to head back to my room.

Nikolai had looked at me oddly before he asked why would I leave so late when it would be easier for me to just sleepover? It was an innocent question, he did not know about my change and I had wanted to keep it that way.

I tried playing coy, but Nikolai has always had a talent for getting around my better judgement. I don’t recall exactly how it happened, but I remember him standing in front of me. It was the first time I noticed how much had actually changed over the years--he was now taller than me for the first time in his life. His hair had started to grow a little longer, golden and soft-looking--and his face seemed much more angular. But he had not lost his boyish charm.

“Y/n?” My name fell softly from his lips, and that was the first time I had ever noted the fullness of them. I didn’t understand why I considered that something worth noting. “Did I do something to make you mad at me?”

Perhaps I had been a little curt--nerves and hormones had left me not feeling like myself. I didn’t tell him about the bleeding, I couldn’t. That became the second secret I kept from him--but I did tell him that my mother had told me I was a woman now, and that women can’t have sleepovers. Not with those of the opposite gender. I made no effort to hide my confusion because I expected him to be as perplexed as I was. But he was not confused--in fact, he had the audacity to laugh. My face flushed, but I did not know why.

“Why is that funny?” Maybe he thought I was still too much of a child to be considered a woman. I assumed it a fair assumption, I had not grown the way he had--my shoulders had not become sturdier and I had not become particularly broader. Still, I would rather melt into the floor than tell him about the reason my mother now considered me a woman. “My mother did say that, and I don’t know what being a ‘woman’ has to do with staying in your room at night.” Something strange had crossed over his features then, something much more brooding than I was used to.

I had blinked at him as unexplained nerves pooled in my stomach. Perhaps that look would have been enough to keep me silent if he had managed to not grin. That self-assured grin that had always challenged me. “Well since you know everything about my mother now, maybe you can tell me why she’s been acting strange. She’s starting to act the way she did when we first became friends.” I expected him to at least pretend to be worried. Perhaps his parents had spoken to her and had mentioned wanting our friendship to end. But his grin had only grown. Pride left me angry. “She did say that I could stay if you ordered it--but I’m glad you’ve never ordered me to do anything, so I can leave right now because you’re acting as odd as her. I don’t understand what you could find funny about our friendship ending.”

He had stopped me from storming out of his room by placing one hand on the wall between me and the door. “Y/n, don’t be cross--I’ll explain it all, I promise.” Angry pride made me want to storm away from him, but curiosity and something unknown and warm kept me in place. “Do you remember when we read the play about the rival families, how the two main characters had kissed?”

I remembered that part of the play especially well. The concept of kissing so casually, outside of marriage, had been jarring to me. “Yes.”

“Now that we’re older, your mother must be worried that we might do that.” He paused before leaning against the arm he placed on the wall to keep me from leaving a little more. “Kiss.”

The clarification was not needed--in that brief pause, I had allowed myself to imagine no distance between our lips. Something in me burned with embarrassment when I realized that some part of me found the thought appealing. The only thing I wanted in that moment was assurance that Nikolai would never know I felt that. That was my third secret, and the weight of it was heavy against my chest.

Still, though, all of my confusion had not yet left. “Is there much harm in a kiss?”

The question had left an odd smile on his lips. “There’s potential harm in what it could lead to for the woman, but not so much for the man.” He exhaled slowly as my face tensed. He could always read me too well because he was quick to add, “What it could lead to isn’t a bad thing, it’s meant to be pleasurable, but it’s serious.” I did not understand, but a part of me was starting to grow okay with that. Nikolai’s voice had started to become lower than ever, and his gaze remained tense. Perhaps if I accepted the confusion for now, things could go back to normal. If the conversation ended, I could stop thinking of his lips and his hands and what it would mean for them to touch me. “It’s considered a vice, like drinking or gambling.” The additional comment helped more than it should have. A vice--not scary and not painful, but not something to indulge in. That’s enough explanation for now. “If you want to know, I won’t deny you.”

I appreciated the offer tremendously. The vice that comes after kissing is clearly something that’s been intentionally kept from me. It’s something he was privy to that I was not, and he offered it to me like so much else. But if knowledge that my mother feared us kissing made me think of his lips, then I doubted I could handle knowing what comes after kissing.

“I’ll let you know when I want to know, but I appreciate the offer.” It felt like a fair response. His snarky grin came back immediately. Irritation rooted itself in my stomach. I hated not knowing more than him for once, but I still had one question I could not relinquish. “But what does that vice have to do with orders?”

At that, his smugness faltered. “It’s not unheard of, for princes and handmaids--for a prince to obligate a handmaid in order to fulfill his vice. Though many handmaids fill the vice of their own will for benefits.

The explanation left him like a confession. I didn’t understand his hesitance--it’s not like he’d ever make me do anything I didn’t want to do. Even when I worked, he was hesitant to ask me to go out of my way to bring him a glass of water. And I couldn’t imagine gaining anything from offering Nikolai something I didn’t really understand. I wasn’t naive to the fact that my life had more privileges than many palace servants. “Oh.”

His eyes hardened. “You know I’d never--”

“I know.” It was finally easy to smile again. “I never thought otherwise.” Something in him seemed to ease at that, his eyes went from hard to warm in less than a second.

I had no more questions for him and I was also no longer a flight risk, but Nikolai did not move. He did not step back to create a more appropriate distance and he did not drop his arm. His gaze, however, did move--dropping downwards, and slightly away from my eyes. I did the same, my eyes falling to his lips.

The silence between us began to make me feel like something in me was in danger of overflowing. “Then I guess my mother is once again worrying for no reason.” Strangely, I did not feel the need to feel embarrassed about staring at his lips. “Because I would never particularly want to kiss you, Nikolai Lantsov.”

The comment was meant to be teasing, a joke to clear away unknown tension. I should have known better than to challenge his pride because he instinctually moved his hand off the wall and beneath my chin. I did not flinch when he tilted my head upwards slightly with his fingers. “I could get you to want to kiss me if I wanted to.”

Three secrets in one night. I did not think I could bear a fourth one. “Hm…” The ground we treaded on felt unstable, but something in me trusted Nikolai to not let me falter. “I should--I should go before I give my mother anymore cause to worry.”

His fingers had brushed down my chin easily as he dropped his hand. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”

And that he did. The days passed without mention of the last time he asked me to sleepover. It was as if nothing had changed except now I found myself noting things I most definitely did not want to note. These didn’t feel like individual secrets because it felt easy to group each admirational thought into one secret. Soon, that became my new normal--easy banter, easy touches of hands, and easy yet silent admirations of his beauty.

I never wandered too hard about what the vice that kissing can lead to entailed. I didn't particularly want to know, but knowing that I could ask Nikolai at any time brought a sense of security to me. But besides that, I never thought of that conversation until the day I was asked to look for Nikolai because he was late for dinner.

That in itself was odd, most of the time when Nikolai was late it was because he was with you. I checked his room, two other rooms he was known to frequent, and then finally the library. First, I noticed a handmaid two years older than me. I was finally at an age when one begins to compare their beauty to those around them, and I recognized the girl as gorgeous. She was better endowed than me, physically, and she always seemed fun. And then I noticed Nikolai, standing closer to her than I’ve ever seen him stand to anyone. His expression was serious as the girl giggled.

Nikolai’s expression shifted from tense to shocked when he saw me. “Y/n.”

It took me a moment longer than it should have to realize what I had interrupted. Guilt and jealousy were quick to twist in my stomach. “Dinner--your parents sent me to look for you.”

He was quick to walk around the girl, who was quick to glare at me. I attempted to disappear down the hall after mumbling a quick apology, but Nikolai was faster than me.

“Y/n,” he did not hesitate to grab my wrist.

It shouldn’t have irked me the way it did, after all, neither of us had ever really hesitated to touch each other. I had always reached for him when I wanted him, and he had done the same. But the thought of the same hands that touched the most beautiful girl I had ever seen on me left me bitter in a way I didn’t understand.

Still, I pushed through all of that. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt anything, your mother asked me to look for you because she assumed you’d be with me when you were late to dinner. I didn’t think that there’d be--”

“You didn’t interrupt anything.” The words came out flat as his eyes took on the same quality they did the night he explained my mother’s concern to me. “Valaria wishes there was something to interrupt, but there wasn’t.”

Oh. I refused to let the correction inflate me. “Would you like me to not come to your room tonight?”

The offer felt awkward to make. “No,” the answer came quickly, “In fact, go there now--I want to see you right after dinner. I’ve missed you today.” The instruction left my face feeling warm. “We could read an extra chapter of our book if you’d like.”

Despite myself, I grinned. “Yes.”

“Looking forward to it.”

True to his word, Nikolai was quick to return to his room. He had come back to me eagerly, going out of his way to squeeze my shoulder as he entered the room.

I opened the book to the chapter we had left off on, but before I could start reading, Nikolai stopped me. “Sit next to me?”

The question came softly. It had been some time since we sat next to each other on his bed. Still, I moved off of the chair and to his bed. Something in me longed for the familiar closeness of childhood. I allowed him to play with my fingers as I read.

“You know you could take one night off from me if you wanted to.” The admission left me softly, part of unsure if he was still paying attention to my words. “She was pretty, it wouldn’t have hurt my feelings if you told me you wanted me to not come tonight.”

Nikolai exhaled easily, squeezing my fingers once. “I said I wanted to see you and I meant it.”

It took all of my energy to push past the way his words made my stomach leap. “In general, if you ever--”

Nikolai cut me off by laying his head on my lap the way he used to. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” It was the first time in years that he spoke to me in a way that acknowledged his authority. “Keep reading please.”

And that was the last time we had ever mentioned other handmaids in that context. The fifth secret I ever kept from him was the way I worried that one day that would change.

The door creaks open while I’m in the middle of fluffing an already pristine pillow. Nikolai steps into the room, but I continue to work.

“Darling,” he breathes too easily, “Today has been painful.” I straighten, looking at him as casually as I can manage. “And now I have to deal with you being mad at me.”

Damn him and his ability to read me with one look. “I’m not mad.”

“You know you can’t lie to me,” he sighs, stepping forward, “We’ve known each other too long for that.”

I press my lips together, irrational anger pushing itself into me at an odd angle. “We’ve also known each other too long to keep secrets.”

His eyebrows draw together, a look so quizzical I’m reminded of our schooling days. “What secrets have I kept from you?”

Mentioning that had been a mistake. I exhale as flatly as possible. “I shouldn’t have mentioned it.” My dismissal only has Nikolai’s expression hardening. I drop my gaze. “Unless you need something, I’m retiring my services for the evening.”

I take a reluctant step towards the door, eyes attached to the floor. “Y/n,” his voice is gentle. “What is it?”

“It’s nothing, I’m just tired.” Please let that be at least somewhat believable. “I’m sure I’ll feel more like myself in the morning.” I take another step, a little more assured. Nikolai’s hand is on my shoulder before I can escape. “Nikolai--”

“Y/n,” his voice is that of velvet, “I can’t have you be mad at me. Not now.”

Sighing, I meet his gaze. The tiredness I see behind his eyes is almost enough to chase away my nerve. What I’d give to be able to melt into our familiar routine. “Then you should have told me you were almost engaged to a literal Saint--the same literal Saint who’s one of my closest friends.”

Nikolai’s expression shifts as his hand drops from my shoulder slowly, fingers brushing down my arm before he finally intertwines our fingers. I bite my tongue to avoid squeezing his hand, but I don’t move to separate us either. He studies me silently, eyebrows drawn together. The longer he stares, the more whatever turmoil he’s experiencing seems to dissipate. After a minute of silence, I can read his expression perfectly. His lips are pressed together in that coy way--the way he only looks when he’s suppressing a smile.

I loathe him for it. “Nikolai Lantsov, don’t you dare laugh--not after what you did. Do you have any idea what it felt like to have Alina casually mention the fact that you almost married her casually? Like that was common knowledge to everyone but me?”

My words break away the last of his self control. He grins, flashing his annoyingly perfect teeth. “Do you have any idea what it feels like for me to want nothing more than to see you and then you let me believe something may actually be wrong when the only issue is your jealousy?”

The amusement in his tone is like poison to me. I find the strength to jerk my hand away from him. “I am not jealous.” He laughs; I am further enraged. “I am not.” The genuineness of my anger must finally register on some level, because he tries to suppress his smile. “I have every right to be mad at my best friend for not telling me that he was almost married.”

“We didn’t exactly come close,” he manages, expression still much too light for my taste. “I’m glad for Alina’s sake, I’m not sure being a Saint would be enough to protect her.”

He is infuriating. “I’m not sure anything you have will be enough to protect you.”

Something in his gaze shifts, softening the tilt of his mouth. “I don’t doubt that.”

I don’t know what I expected from him--but not this. I thought he’d be at least somewhat apologetic. “You should have told me.”

“I would have if I felt it was significant.”

“I’m your best friend--your marriage is significant to me. And even though it’s not like you’re engaged to her right now, you should have told me. You know I talk to Alina all the time.”

He sighs once, a hint of apology threatening to ghost over his eyes. “If I knew not knowing would have upset you so much I would have told you. I was--I was just so excited to be around you again I didn’t see much relevance in anything that didn’t involve you.”

The intensity that Nikolai regards me with is enough to wither all of my fury. But without my anger, I am left spiraling in emotion that I’ve been pushing against for years. My mother’s warning about relationships with those above us rings in my ears--sharp and headache inducing. I am still when he reaches for my hand again, but I do no allow myself to return the gentle squeeze of his fingers.

“I’m not sure much outside of you has significance.” He’s giving me a look I am familiar with. A look he often uses to chase away my anger.

Without my anger, I have nothing to keep me from melting into him, indulging in his presence fully. It’s so easy with him and I blinded myself to the danger of that. He may not be marrying Alina, but one day he will marry someone. A person worthy of his status--and what would I be left doing? Washing their laundry? Tearing up when I dusted the library and came across a book we had read together? Enough damage has already been done--I need to cut myself with this blade now in hopes of making sure I can one day recover.

He will get married one day, and nothing will be the same. And that’s a good thing--he deserves the love of a princess or queen. I want his happiness, even if it’s not with me. But some vindictive part of me hopes that some part of him will miss me. That some part of him will be dulled without me.

I’m a fool--he will remember me as the handmaid from his youth. The girl who made him laugh once or twice before he grew up. I force my hand out of his grasp. “You can’t win me over with words every time.” I need to get out of here before he says something that makes me lose all resolve. “Tomorrow morning I’ll be here to prepare you for breakfast.”

“Y/n.”

I step forward, refusing to look at him. “Goodnight.”

He sighs, his hand quick to grab my arm. Before I can question him I feel myself pulled back. I expect him to pull me just close enough so that I have to meet his gaze. He continues, pulling me sharply before placing a quick hand on my shoulder, forcing me down. My back hits his bed.

I sit up as soon as the reality of what just happened seeps into my mind. “Nikolai, what in the Saints--”

“If you’re going to act like a child, I’m going to treat you like one.”

I scoff, thoughts of escaping him put on hold by the principle of pride. Fine. I’ll beat him one last time, and then I’ll let us separate. I shove him. He laughs--of course this is funny to him. He got to keep fighting past the age of about eleven. His laughter adds to my anger, I move to shove him again, but he catches my wrist easily. I struggle against his hold, shoving him a third time with my still free hand. He pushes me slightly. That’s all it takes to unleash familiar habits.

Our small fight is hardly fair. He has all the advantage--more training, and he’s standing above me. When I finally make a move that might give me some success, Nikolai leans forward. He practically tackles me, his weight forcing me flat against the bed.

I move an arm, ready to push him off of me. Nikolai snags my wrists, holding them above my head. “This means I win.” I roll my eyes, anger returning.

“Let me go.”

He sighs tiredly, but the smugness radiating off of him is suffocating. “Admit that you were jealous.”

There are a lot of things I am willing to do for him--but never that. I cannot give him the one separation I still have. “I wasn’t.”

“Then why are you mad?”

I press my lips together. “I told you--”

“Do you really think you could lie to me?”

“You don’t know me that well.”

Nikolai moves his freehand, touching my chin as a way to ask me to look at him. I meet his gaze hesitantly. “Yes, I do, and that’s never bothered you before but it does now.”

Maybe this is a conversation better had bluntly. “It bothers me now because you’re too old to hold onto the daughter of a palace handmaid and I’m too old to pretend that our different statuses don’t matter.”

“Y/n,” he breathes, “Nothing’s changed. Status didn’t matter to me when we were children, and it doesn’t matter to me now.”

“You can afford to say things like that.”

“What good is my title if it means I can’t,” he pauses, eyes hesitant, “If I can’t keep things the same between us?”

I smile, the sadness of the look weighs on me and I can’t even see it. “Nikolai, you always knew things would change.”

“No, I--”

“You can’t tell me you think your future wife would like you having such a close relationship with a handmaid.” I press my lips together. “One day you’ll fall in love and get married and you’ll want me to leave your bedchamber as soon as dinner is over because you’ll be eager to spend time with your wife.” His gaze hardens. “And that’s not a bad thing. It’s actually a really good thi--”

The last syllable of my sentence dies in my throat. Nikolai, who must be possessed by something, leans down and presses his lips against mine. I beg myself to resist, but his gentleness is everything I’ve ever wanted. He releases my hands in favor of holding my face. That’s all it takes--my hands move without my permission, into his hair--pulling him closer to me. What am I doing? I’m insane. Placing my hands on his chest cautiously, I push just slightly. He’s quick to obey, pulling away while allowing his teeth to brush against my bottom lip.

I gape at him--taking in his now slightly swollen lips. “Nikolai.” He can’t do this to me. We’re friends. Despite the fact that I’ve loved him more than I should--we’re friends. “You’re being extremely unfair.”

He draws his eyebrows together, sitting up quickly and moving off of me. “I’m being unfair? I have spent my entire life loving y--”

I sit up, furious in a new way. “You have not!” This is the dumbest I have ever been. I move to stand, still feeling the softness of his lips against mine.

“Your tooth fell out.” The sharpness of his words forces me to still.

“What?”

I can’t bring myself to turn and look at him, but I’ve always been able to feel any heaviness he bears. The weight of it leaves little room for air in my lungs. “You were ten. I told you ‘girls couldn’t fight’ so you punched me in the face. That was the first time we ever fought--I didn’t mean to hit you in the face, but you moved. You moved and I hit you in the mouth and your last baby tooth fell out. I expected you to cry or get angry, but you just blinked at me and laughed. You were happy to lose your last baby tooth because it meant you were grown up. And then you smiled and asked me if you looked older. If anything, the gap in your smile made you look younger but I told you that you looked like a grown-up because I wanted you to keep smiling. Because your smile made me feel like I won something.” I turn on my heels, but I cannot meet his gaze. “That was the moment I fell in love with you--so don’t tell me I haven’t spent my entire life loving you.”

The weight of his words is harder to survive against than the heaviness of his feelings. “Nikolai, you know we can’t ever be together--”

“Why not?”

“Don’t act like you don’t know,” I manage, voice low, “You almost married the Sun Summoner--”

“That was political--”

“Exactly, your marriage is meant to be political, and if it happens to be out of love--which is what I hope you get, because it is what you deserve--it will be to someone of status.”

Nikolai stands, the movement is that of a king, not the boy I know. “I do not want status or to love someone else--I want you.”

“I can’t take that from you--”

“You can’t take anything from me because I’ve already given it all to you.”

I press my lips together, heart tearing for him. “I love you too much to ruin you.”

My words seem to snap something in him because his eyes darken, the way he watches me adjusting accordingly. “You can’t ruin something that’s always been yours.”

I let myself smile. At him. At his words. At the foolish hope the child in me has clung to after all of these years. I reach for him thoughtlessly, because I have the right to. Because I’ve always had the right to. He’s quick to respond, kissing me with much more security than before.

This time, he pulls away of his own regard. “You still haven’t admitted that you were jealous.”

His teasing smugness isn’t as sour to me anymore. “I wasn’t.”

Nikolai pulls me towards him easily, lips threatening to brush against me, warm breath against my face. “Are you sure, darling? You were awfully quick to claim what’s yours.”

I roll my eyes, grinning so widely I’m surprised my face doesn’t yet hurt. “You’re the one that fell for a ten-year-old girl with a bloody mouth.”

When he smiles back at me, he places a hand on my hip, pulling me forward slightly. “That I did.” He pulls me forward slightly. "Does this mean you can sleep in here again?"

"If anything, this is more reason for me to sleep in another room." He rolls his eyes, pulling me even closer. "But I won't tell if you don't."

Nikolai leans forward, pressing his lips to my forehead. "Deal."

tags: @deardiarystuff @theincredibledeadlyviper, @grishaverse7 @benbarnes-supremacy @tranquilitymoon @kaitlyn2907 @lunamyangel @christinawxxx @deceivedeer @real-mbappe @tonks33

#nikolai lantsov #nikolai lantsov x reader #nikolai lantsov x you #shadow and bone #shadow and bone fic #shadow and bone fanfic #shadow and bone imagine #grisha #Grishaverse #grishaverse imagines #grishaverse imagine #grishaverse x reader #shadow and bone netflix

492 notes · View notes

rcksmith · 4 years

Text

Geniuses — Five Hargreeves

Request: “Hi! I am just the annon that recently sent the request 3,11,16 and 22. You asked what I wanted, I forgot to put that I got them from the “fluff” prompt list. I am so sorry!! And don’t worry! It’s not your fault I didn’t see the list 😂😂 but thank you so much! I really like your fics and your writing style so much! ��🥺💖💖”

Fluff prompts:

3“You’re staring again.”

11. “Wow- you look…amazing.”

16. “I love you. You enormously stubborn pain in the ass.” 16. “I heard that!” 1 .“You were supposed to!”

22. “well the probability of that is 0, but you go ahead”

A/N: We not tolerate any pedophilia here !!

I write about Five with their 20s. I write the same about the characters of Harry Potter.

Haha love, it’s okay💖💖 i hope you like, because I really like to writing tis. Thank you for resquest. Love u❤️

English is not my first language, so I so sorry if have a mistake.

Requests are open. Love you ❤️

Couple: Five Hargreeves/Fem! Reader.

Warnings: nothing, just bad words and fluff.

(gif not mine)

— — — — —

It was fun to think that Five never had an equal opponent, someone as smart, canny, sarcastic and ironic as he. Five Hargreeves was always used to being the smartest person in the room, always being the one with the quickest response on the tip of his tongue.

And, well, it was fun to think that it all went up in the air when you showed up.

You were cruelly intelligent, able to correct errors in Five's math equations, sarcastic and always had a cheeky smile on your face. You weren't used to being underneath, which is why when Five wanted to show that he was better than you, well, you wouldn't give up.

But unlike the time traveler, you didn't have super powers, you weren't extraordinary, you didn't have any skills, but that didn't stop you from being equal to him in every other way.

Whenever Five wanted to come out on top with the argument that he had powers and you didn’t, you raised an eyebrow, looked at him as if he had made a basic math mistake, and said: “I don’t need powers, I’m a genius, you should try to be one too.” And it made him furious, and, truth be told, you just liked to tease him too.

But just as the two of you had personality differences, the ability to handle emotions and people well was different from Five. You were kind, funny and wanted to make people comfortable around you. Being a genius didn't mean you shouldn't be a nice person, and Five usually forgot about it.

As you and Five spent more time together, it became clear that you two were no longer able to stay away from each other. Five liked (secretly) to have someone to really talk to. Someone that understood and followed his line of reasoning, that understood the equations he did, and that considered him a genius instead of crazy with some reasoning.

Being with you was like, for Five, meeting another human being in a dog-only world, and when he kind of told you that in other words, you laughed out loud and said: “Or how to find an equal sign in an equation.” And that's when he felt his heart pounding for you.

Five remembered when you beat him in chess for the first time, no one had ever done it before, and he agreed to play with the full awareness that he was going to win again. Well, that is not what happened.

When you checkmate his king, Five was stunned. He leaned over the board, looking at the pieces as if they had created a head. And you laughed, leaned back in your chair in a victorious smile.

“This is impossible.”

“it's actually just intelligence, why don't you use it now and then?” You were kidding, it was obvious, you couldn't stand hurting people and Five knew it. The dynamics of the two of you who were exchanging barbs.

“You must have stolen or something, this is very much your style” He returned, eyes on you as you laughed “Let's play again and I will give you a the most brutal defeat.”

“Well the probability of that is 0, but you go ahead” You accepted, first because you wanted to show that you would beat him as many times as possible, and second because there was nothing you liked more than spending time with Five.

The matches started, and you won every time. And when the sunset and the breeze was cold, you and Five looked at each other, with the peach rays of the sun illuminating their faces, and the mutual smile they gave out sweetly.

He were really enjoy the game and you knew that, and he knew you not just want the victory. You two know Just more matches would make you spend more time together. And... Five didn't remember if anyone ever really engaged in a game just to want to be around him.

But things really got more real and serious when Vayna asked you to go to one of her violin performances too. And, well, you wore a long, red dress, firm in all the right places, and Five couldn't get his eyes off you just one second.

It was as if, when he saw you, all the equations in his life had been solved. And a single thought rang in his mind: “I want her”

And the certainty of that was absolute. He wanted you as an overwhelming force, which shook his whole body. He needed you like needed oxygen. And there was no way to deny that anymore.

But it all happened in a fraction of a second, and you had just chosen that moment to approach him and ask:

“So, how am I look? Are you going to make a little joke about berries or something?” You laughed.

But Five could think of nothing but that if there were the personification of sin and perfection, it would be you. He looked at you as a whole, a fucking beautiful woman with a fucking brilliant mind. You are incredible and he had no other adjectives for you.

“Wow- you look… amazing.” You felt all the intensity and truth in that sentence, and your heart pounded in your chest.

For, truth be revealed, you had dressed up for him. Because wanted him to think you were beautiful. Because you thinking him were a young God with all the vigor and beauty.

Five really wanted to focus on anything but you. Not In the swing of your body, in the outline of your lips, in how he wanted to put you out of that dress. He really tried. But his eyes were always drawn to you at the end of the effort, as if you were the only thing worth seeing.

“You’re staring again.” Luther whispered in his right ear, while Five kept his eyes on you for a moment that seemed to him seconds, but to Luther it was hours.

But who could blame him? You looked like a mirage, too beautiful to be true. And Five wanted to record every detail of it in memory.

“Take care of your life!” He replied, taking his eyes off you.

After that night, Five already knew that he could no longer keep his hands off you. He couldn't just look at you anymore when the hunger to touch you started to hurt physically. As soon as you got back to the mansion, he grabbed you by the wrist, in a strong, firm grip, and pulled you with him as he climbed the stairs towards his own room.

Five needed you. A kiss, a caress, a body-to-body contact, anything, he just needed it. And it had to be now, he not wait for you to go home and come back later, he couldn't wait days...damn it! He couldn't wait seconds!

Then he knocked and locked the door behind you when you entered the his room.

“What the hell?” You rubbed your wrist that he must not have measured how much firmly him hold you “You're acting like a nut and I thin ...”

But Five didn't give you time to continue. He couldn't give you time. He could not explain something that for him was still a mess. So he showed you.

Five came to you in big, determined steps, and he fit your face in his hands before tilting and sticking his lips to yours. And then the world seemed to make sense for the first time.

Everything was suspended. The people, the rotation of the earth, the wind, the noise of the streets. Everything went into a black hole and was no longer important. The only thing that really mattered was you. And Five kissed you until the oxygen was strictly necessary.

“I have been waiting for this for some time.” You confessed, and Five blew out a low laugh, answering you with another kiss that ended up taking you to a bed and messy sheets.

After that night, Five became more attached to you, and the relationship grew stronger over the weeks.

“You know this is wrong, right?” You said as you took a look at the equations he had made that afternoon.

Five looked at you with a frown, irritation in his eyes, but you were trying to contain your laughter.

“You have nothing else to do no?”

“Besides seeing your accounts wrong? No.” You had fun, taking one of the white chalk Five was using and erasing an equation from it, redoing it in the right way.

You could feel his gaze on your back, but you did your best not to laugh and return the chalk complacently.

“Now it's right.”

Five looked at the account you redid, and gave you an expression of so few friends that you couldn't control your laughter anymore.

And his expression closed even more. You shook your head and were already on your way to the door when when you heard him mumbling:

“I love you. You enormously stubborn pain in the ass.”

Then you laughed even harder and turned to Five, who had been doing his math again on the walls of his room.

“I heard that!”

“You were supposed to!” He countered without even waiting a second, and then you came back towards him, the laughter still present in your voice, your eyes full of play and love.

You put your arms behind his waist, still with the remnants of laughter coming from yours lips, and leaned your head against his broad back.

Five felt and heard your laughter, and then controlled himself not to laugh too, before giving yours hands that were hugging his waist a few gentle pats.

“You are unbearable.” You mumbled, but full of love overflowing with the words “But I love you.”

Then Five laugh came and he exchanged pats for an affectionate affection on yours hand, signaling that he also found you unbearable, but that he loves you.

925 notes · View notes

softer-ua · 4 years

Text

I was thinking about how Katsuki has never seen Deku in the hospital before and how Deku might be surprised to see him, and how that would probably hurt Katsukis feelings.

Then I decided to be self-indulgent and write the scene out. It was supposed to be short but I got super self-indulgent, because I like making Katsuki feel and making it hurt 🥰

I don’t wanna be unexpected

Deku carefully cracks open his eyes slowly taking in a dark unfamiliar ceiling and the heavy aching of his limbs, he isn’t fully cast anymore but a routine stiffness that tells him he had been.

He’s grown used to this routine over the last year, he doesn’t even bother trying to sit up. Instead, he just scans the room the best he can from his semi-horizontal position.

Turning his head to the left he sees an empty visiting chair and a small window letting in the city’s lights. It’s the only light the room has so it must be well into the middle of the night.

Continuing to the right he sees a small nightstand filled with get-well cards and gifts. It brings a smile to his cracked lips, he’d most certainly cry if his body had the water to spare.

If you told Deku a year ago that he’d get into UA he might have believed you, but never in a million years would he believe you if you told him he was on friendly terms with at least 1/3 of all of UA’s hero course students.

Sometimes that felt like the most unbelievable part of everything. Having his idol pass his legacy to him to beat an ancient evil? Crazy but within the realm of his imagination.

Making close friends with half his class and being at a minimum a positive acquaintance to most of his peers? It was almost unthinkable for a kid who’d spent his whole life being scorned and left out by even his teachers.

Choked up by his feelings, Deku tries to swallow the painful lump forming in his throat. He’s worried so many people and let them down by getting hospitalized yet again.

He’s too dehydrated to cry but he can’t help the dry cracked warble that escapes him. It takes a concentrated effort to clear his throat and not break down completely. It wouldn’t be cathartic at this moment, just painful.

A small groan from the foot of his bed pulls his attention away from reading what he could of the cards.

What he sees doesn’t instantly register with his groggy mind. That’s not uncommon, usually, the longer he’s out the more disoriented he is upon waking, his body might have made a full recovery but the brain takes longer to re-engage with its surroundings.

Deku doesn’t expect to see Kacchan of all people in his hospital room at all, let alone when he first wakes up in the dead of night, but the blonde tuft of hair sticking up from a familiar orange hoodie turned makeshift pillow cradled in well-toned arms makes the figure resting over the edge of his hospital bed unmistakable

Deku would know that pale face pinched into a grimace anywhere.

It adds to the layer of confusion he’s grown used to as part of waking up hospitalized. It also adds a layer of dread and an equal amount of relief. Things must be pretty bad if Kacchan is here, but Kacchan is here and he looks completely whole. It’s a best worst-case scenario.

Kacchan lets out a small grunt as he pushes his face deeper into orange cotton. Deku’s heart squeezes at the sight of the blonde's obvious discomfort.

Kacchan should be at home sleeping in a real bed, not hunched over in a visitor chair clutching a hoodie for a pillow.

Without thinking Deku calls out “Kacchan?”, his voice just above a whisper, a selfish part of him hopes Kacchan will stay asleep a little longer. That he’ll stay where Deku can see him and knows he’s okay. But he knows it’s selfish. So he calls again a little louder, his voice hoarse and scratchy from lack of use.

The blonde shoots up, eyes near frantic as he looks around before red irises settle their sites on him with more concern than Deku ever remembers seeing on Kacchan. Well, at least outside a fight and directed at him.

He hopes they're not about to fight, but when it comes to Kacchans temperament… well he’d be a fool to dismiss the possibility of it.

For a moment all Kacchan does is stare at him. It makes something cold and heavy settle in his stomach. Nothing scares Kacchan, and yet he looks completely shaken.

“Deku? Are you really awake this time?” Katsuki tries to not make his whisper sound as desperate as he feels. There’s no point getting worked up over another dream or worse a still drug-addled Deku, but this Deku seems to recognize him for the first time, and although tired his green eyes shined with a level of coherency that’s been missing for a few days now.

Katsukis’s chest grew tight seeing it. It paled in comparison to the glimmer of brilliance that usually shone in those beautiful emeralds, but when compared to the unfocused glazed look he had been sporting the last few days? Well, Katsuki thought he just might collapse with relief.

This is what he’d been waiting for, Deku’s been physically healed for at least 2 days now but consciously he’s been pretty touch and go. “Uh, I think so?” That’s definitely not the kinda question Deku had been expecting, but he has his own question he wants to get to before they get into that.

Pushing through the dry burning in his throat Deku rattled off the most pressing questions. “How are you feeling? Is everyone okay? Did LOV getaway? What’s going on?”

Annoyance flashes in Katsukis’s eyes before quieting with acceptance, of course, the nerd wants to know how everyone else is and the current status. Katsuki wanted the same when he first woke up, they were heroes in training, after all. Their own lives would always take a backseat to their self-appointed responsibilities.

“Hold on. You sound like sh– not good.” Katsuki got up and got the nerd a cup of water and then helped him sit upright, trying to decide on what to tell him. Completely missing the way Deku flushed at his uncharacteristic gentleness.

Katsuki decided on the bare minimum.

“I don’t wanna talk about that sh- not good fight right now. All you need to know is that everyone is fine. You’re the only one still layed up, worrying everyone half to death. You’ve been out for almost a week, you woke up a few times but you were all loopy calling people by the wrong names.”

Calling him by the wrong name. Deku must have said an incoherent hello to half the class only sometimes guessing who he was speaking to correctly or just talking to no one at all before immediately falling back asleep. Deku had of course asked about him more than a few times but not once did the bastard see him sitting right in front of him.

It had taken every ounce of willpower Katsuki possessed to not throttle him, but he’d promised All Might that for the sake of Auntie Inko he wouldn’t upset the nerd.

The pride Katsuki had just momentarily taken in thinking to get Deku water, the gentleness he took help the dweeb sit up, and managing not to swear when recounting the transgressions to boot turned ashen when he saw the way Deku shied away with guilt.

A stubborn part of him felt righteous and believed Deku should feel guilty, a larger part felt a sense of failure in breaking his promise to All Might literally the first time he actually spoke to Deku.

“Wait, if everyone else is okay what are you doing here?” Deku feels himself relaxing despite his guilt, contentment settling in the spaces where trepidation previously roosted, he trusted Kacchan to be honest.

If he says everything’s fine then it is, but the lack of pressing news makes Kacchan passed out at the end of his bed even more confusing.

The painkillers he’s on make thinking feel like everything’s ruining through Windows 95’, he can practically hear his brain's fan whirring. His mind can’t really pull up fresh thoughts, just old truths, Kacchans never visited before and he apparently has no reason to now.

Katsuki sighs as he slumps back into his chair. Deku’s still clearly confused and he isn’t sure he has the energy to repeat himself right now, then considering how he failed the first time he decides might as well try.

“Everyone is fine, everything is as fine as it can be at the moment. You’re in the hospital recovering from the fight with supercharged crusty mcdusty, but you are also apparently going to be fine” Dekus staring at him like he has two heads so he keeps talking. “The league is being dealt with, I’m not talking about the fighting until tomorrow at the earliest, neither of us is in shape for that conversation and I don’t know much myself yet”

Deku’s pinch brows and slight pout tell him he’s got questions, questions he can’t answer. Anytime he even thinks about how the fight went down he feels like he’s going to explode.

Trying to reign in every ounce of self control he possesses he slumps further in his chair rubbing his face and counts to five. Then kicks Dekus hospital bed for good measure, before speaking again.

“Deku just rest, you're clearly still out of it and I don’t wanna repeat myself a third time.” Seriously how many other ways can he say everything is, by a very loose definition, fine. How much clearer can he make it that he’s not giving anything else up?

“Uh you didn’t have to repeat yourself? I believed you the first time, Kacchan” Deku couldn’t help but feel like Kacchan was purposely misinterpreting his question, but why? It shouldn’t be a hard question, he’d really only asked to make conversation and clear up some brain cobwebs.

“Then why did you ask–“ Something ugly and broken twists in Katsuki’s gut as he slowly repeated Dekus' question in his head ‘what are you doing here’.

“I just didn’t expect to see you here if you didn’t have to be.”

Deku wasn’t, hadn’t been, asking why someone was there with him but why he, Katsuki, was there. Deku wanted to know why he was here instead of literally anyone else. Deku didn’t know that Katsuki had basically taken up permanent residence in here with him, probably couldn’t see the cot laying at the foot of his bed.

White-hot rage coursed through him in an instant, after everything they went through Deku thought he’d just ditch him to some extras in scrubs? Katsuki had a bad temper on good sleep, exhausted he was ready to put Deku back in a coma.

He struggled with the feeling of his palms heating, but the second before he felt like detonating Katsuki caught Deku’s eyes in full.

As always they show everything the nerds feeling and the familiarity soothes him in a way he can’t explain. Doesn’t ever want to explain.

It used to drive him up the wall like Deku was purposely giving him messages in a language he couldn’t read. Shoving in his face how inadequate he is in comparison.

Katsuki knows now that’s not the case and over the last few months, he’s actually been learning how to read Deku for the first time in his life.

And he’s discovering that even though it’s an advanced read for him he likes the challenge and even more he likes the victorious warmth that spreads down to his toes when he can tell just what Dekus is thinking without any words.

Right now Deku does look slightly confused and yet still so open and trusting, and his crooked shy smile proves that he is actually happy Katsukis here. His confusion is just that, confusion.

Always glad to see him, always caught off guard by his presence.

As much as the familiarity soothed the recognition hurt.

A couple of months on good terms doesn’t erase all the bad years, he knows this, he’s told himself as much a dozen-plus times.

He’s never visited Deku in the infirmary or the hospital before now.

At first just because his stubborn pride insisted that he couldn’t show weakness/care for someone else because he was above them all, that he had to constantly act like Deku was below him. Even when he recognized Deku as a rival he didn’t visit, partly because of lingering pride but mostly because he felt like he didn’t deserve to.

He was too much of a coward/slave to his pride to risk being turned away.

This time he hadn’t even considered Deku might not want him, he had just selfishly insisted he stay by his side for his own peace of mind.

To see Deku wanted him here but couldn’t understand why Katsuki would want to be here himself left his fingers feeling numb as all the adrenaline drained out of him.

Deku studied Kacchan intently, his explosive rival had turned to him and risen half out his chair looking like he was about to shout at him but when their eyes locked the words had apparently died on his tongue.

Now Kacchan was just staring at him with an unreadable expression entirely unmoving after he plopped back in his seat, never breaking eye contact. It was clear now that Kacchan hadn’t understood his question at first but now he seemed lost at how to answer.

Deku wanted to wait for Kacchan to speak but experience told him he shouldn’t hold his breath.

Besides it was late, as much as he desperately didn’t want him to go, Kacchan should be safely asleep in his own room. It’d be selfish to ask him to stay.

Kacchan probably hadn’t meant to stay as late as he did, he was just prone to falling asleep wherever he was once 9 pm rolled around. Deku knew first hand that Auntie Mitsuki had a very strict bedtime policy that had long been physically instilled into Kacchans psyche.

“Kacchan, it’s late you should head back to the dorms and get some real sleep. I feel fine.” At the sudden incredulous tweak of a blonde eyebrow, Deku rushed to elaborate, “I mean I'm of course tired, and a sore but I feel whole. This is a familiar routine for me, I’m okay.”

Katsuki thought back to what he told All Might a lifetime ago, “he never considers himself”.

Here Deku was laying in a hospital bed concerned about his sleep and knowing just what he wanted/needed to hear, that Deku was okay, straight from the source.

It’s all he’d wanted to hear for almost a week now and he had to press his lips shut into a tight line to keep the embarrassing whimper he felt clawing at his throat from escaping.

“I know that you can go to the front desk and the attendant will call for a UA shuttle, doesn’t matter the time, Todoroki has left as late as 3 am”

Oh if that didn’t have something ugly snapping its jaws and thirsty for blood inside Katsuki. At heart, he’s always been explosively petty.

As much comfort as Todoroki being almost equally worried about Deku had been over the last week anytime anyone so much as even accidentally hinted at the ways Katsuki had failed to be there for Deku before now had him seeing red.

Reminding him how others had stepped up and into the places, Katsuki felt he should have been, felt like a slap in the face. But coming from Deku the anger he felt turned inward.

Where he usually saw red, all he saw was green. Not the warm emerald hue of Deku sitting in front of him, but dark bitter jealous green.

Petulant ‘whys’ clawed at his ribs. Why did people who’d only know Deku for a year have a more prominent roles in the nerds life than he did after knowing him forever, why did Deku have to like those extras so damn much, why didn’t he realize sooner how important Deku was, why did he have to care about any of that at all, why did Deku have to bring up that goddamn candy cane, why did Deku want to send him away, why wasn’t Deku even half as desperate to stay by his side as he was, why why why?!

He voiced none of these thoughts, instead just continued staring grumpily ahead. Hoping Deku didn’t notice how heavy his breathing had gotten or how he tightened his grip on the chair's armrests.

Deku took another sip of water before continuing. “I’m happy you’re here, really, it means a lot to me.” He let a genuine full smile slip on his face, he didn’t want Kacchan thinking he wasn’t grateful for his presence.

He really was happy that Kacchan was the first person he got to see upon waking up.

Circumstantial or not the fact that Kacchan was here with him now was a deep comfort to him and a pleasant way to wake up. Usually, it was to his classmates' forced positivity or his overly fussy weeping mother and that never got easier to deal with. As confusing as the change was it was a nice one. And he told him as much.

Why did Deku always know exactly what to say to people? When he, Katsuki Bakugo, couldn’t say anything at all.

Normally the instant relief his body felt at Deku’s words just pissed him off, but tonight exhaustion took its toll.

He felt the tears he’d been fighting all week fall hot and sticky down his cheeks, embarrassment shame and guilt tinted his face a splotchy pink. When he felt the lump in his throat give way to a choked hiccup he didn’t just crack, he shattered.

Ugly sobs racked through him and he buried his face in his hands and dug his fingers into his hair.

Why was the only familiar part of this him breaking down in front of Deku? He’s known Deku his whole life. He should have been the first and last person in Deku’s hospital room every time from the very beginning if for nothing more than obligation. Any one of those times could have been the last time.

Deku would have slipped away from him, and Katsuki would have been one of the last ones to know.

He hadn’t because he knew it’d always end up like this, him blubbering like a baby over Dekus hospital bed and he couldn’t risk it before. Too desperate to keep that little voice inside him that picks apart his every sign of weakness quiet.

It never goes away and UA had made it so much louder, he couldn’t give more feed to the fire. That’s exactly what Deku does to him.

On bad days Katsuki feels the little claws of insecurity scratching at his brain comparing him to Deku, that Deku’s surpassing him because he’s weak and he’s going to get left behind, he’s going to be forgotten.

On equally bad days he surpasses Deku completely and the voice switches gears, telling him he doesn’t deserve Dekus praises. That he’s a hopeless brat with an oversized ego and Deku’s words are empty. Katsuki hasn’t earned them, and he never will, Deku’s just placating him.

Katsuki doesn’t have good days.

Why did he even care though, Deku has seen him cry a dozen times and never once has it changed anything, hell Deku cries all the time.

But Deku’s never been debilitated by crying the way he is, Deku always keeps moving like he doesn’t even notice he’s crying. But he, Katsuki, can barely breathe around his tears.

Because he’s weak and a coward and everything Dekus not. Deku’s light years ahead of him in being a better person and by proxy a better hero and he’s never going to catch up.

Delirious with exhaustion Katsukis thoughts keep spiraling out of his control, growing more and more vicious.

He doesn’t even deserve to call himself Dekus' rival, Deku’s going to leave him behind, Deku’s going to keep taking on the world by himself because he’s not strong enough to fight alongside him, Dekus going to get himself killed and it’s all his fault. He’s hyperventilating through his sobs now.

“Wha- Kacchan, what’s wrong?” Deku suppressed a small groan at stretching stiff unused muscles as his scrambled brain had him lurch forward to grasp Kacchans wrists, he can see where blunt nails dig into his scalp. Gently as he could, Deku replaces callused hands with his crooked ones.

“Hey look at me.” He lifted Kacchans head to meet his eyes and took deep slow dramatic breaths encouraging Kacchan to match his breathing. Red eyes frantically scanned his face and clutched his wrists tightly like a lifeline, desperate that Deku doesn’t pull away.

Slowly their breathing synchronized, the tears kept flowing though, Deku was certain he was crying now too but he made no move to confirm this. He just kept watching Kacchan, keeping his own breathing steady. This wasn’t the first time he’s had Kacchan match his breathing, but it is the first time he’s been this close and this obvious about it. Then again Kacchans never looked this desperate.

In the past when he’s noticed Kacchans breathing has sped up and his gaze looks far away he’ll nonchalantly sit down next to him like he hasn’t noticed Kacchans problem at all, then he’ll practice his own breathing exercises a little louder than would be considered polite. Consciously or not Kacchan follows suit.

He’d learned the tactic when he was 7 from his mom helping one of their neighbors on the way to the store, a very nice lady he called Auntie Kay. She had some kind of disorder that gave her bad anxiety and had apparently forgotten to take meds that morning and got overwhelmed by the noise. His mom used to be an assisted living caregiver before she became, well his mom, so she had experience with this kind of thing.

Later she explained what she’d been doing. That you're someone they have a long history of trusting you don’t want to get in their space, just reaffirm to them that they’re safe and try to get them to slow their breathing, focus on breathing out.

1, because It’s hard to concentrate if you don’t feel safe. 2, the human body doesn’t know if it has enough oxygen, it knows if it’s getting enough air and if it has too much carbon dioxide in it, and you breathe out carbon dioxide.

That day his mom was like a mini hero, saving the day with a smile. It made him more aware that there’s more to being a hero than just fighting villains, it’s about saving people.

He can’t fight villains from a hospital bed, he could still be there for others. He could be there for Kacchan.

After a minute he hesitantly thumbed away the freshest tears but that seemed to just make things worse as another sob racked through Kacchan and he tightened his grip on his wrists. It wasn’t until Kacchan finally spoke and he reflexively snapped his jaw shut that Deku realized he’d been making soft shushing noises.

Katsuki tightened his grip on Deku’s wrists as he choked on one last sob thinking that Deku was finally pulling away, but when he just continued to thumb his tears away and making soft little noises he let himself believe Deku wasn’t going to dismiss him again.

Katsukis never let himself be comforted like this by anyone, not even as a child, but he was too tired to fight it, too distraught to care about how selfish he’s sure he’s being, and too certain that Deku was the only thing keeping him tethered to reality.

He’s confronted his own mortality a few times this year but none of it had compared to being confronted in real-time with Dekus. Living with Deku so close to death over the last week had taken its toll on everyone but Katsuki especially had been unraveling more and more each day.

The first day he’d been ready to bring the entire hospital down if he didn’t get to Deku’s side immediately. It only got worse from there.

He’d grown more cantankerous than he’d ever been, but the fire in him had been dying out. By the time Deku first woke up and didn’t recognize him the only thing he’d say to anyone was the same mumbled shut up, only sometimes accompanied by half-hearted sparks daring anyone to try to remove him from the room.

Auntie Inko was distraught too but she had let All Might take her home after that first visit and encouraged her to rest there saying something about how no mother should have to see this side of hero work or whatever.

The doctors were probably just worried about what all those tears might do to their equipment, Katsuki certainly had been even if he hadn’t said so.

Katsuki had promised Inko he’d stay by Deku’s' side, she’d looked conflicted about something but they both silently agreed that was a discussion for another day.

Katsuki doesn’t know what to say now but desperately feels like he needs to say something.

He’s terrified it’ll all come out wrong and freak Deku out, Deku who just woke up for real for the first time! He’s terrified of saying nothing and losing his chance to say anything at all because Deku just woke up for real for the first time in a week!

Deku deserves to hear him apologize for everything, but he doesn’t feel like he’s ready to be forgiven and if Deku doesn’t forgive he doesn’t know what’ll happen to him, he may very well implode.

If Deku turns him away then the kindest thing the universe could do for him would be to ignite every nitroglycerin-soaked cell in his body and just let him go. But the universe isn’t kind and will instead make him force himself out of this room and into a UA shuttle and into a life where everything green fades into bleak gray.

“Kacchan, your muttering” Deku says with the softest smile Katsuki has ever seen, and he feels like all his broken pieces have begun melting.

Deku stays silent, thumbs rubbing gentle circles. He seems content with doing nothing more than smiling at him until the sun comes up. And Katsuki feels another sob rip through him as he forces himself to speak.

“I meant it when I told you to keep your eyes on me.” The desperation in his own voice sounds like nails on a chalkboard to him. “I want you to know to look for me, and that I’ll be there. Even outside of heroing. I want you to expect me at every turn, forever. I don’t wanna be unexpected”

Deku leans forward and Katsuki thinks he’ll stop breathing all over again until their foreheads bump together. Deku’s looking right in his eyes, and he’s so close Katsuki's eyes can barely focus on him. They just stay like that for a small eternity while Katsuki’s heart beats wildly for entirely different reasons. One’s he’s not sure he’s ready to understand.

“Okay, Kacchan”

#kacchan #bnha bakugo katsuki #bakugou katsuki #deku #izuku midoriya #bakudeku #dekubaku #Decchan #bkdk #dkbk #4k words might be too many for tumblr #the self-indulgence is strong with this one #it’s not even angst Katsuki just makes himself cry #katsuki needs therapy so bad y’all #now that it’s finished I realize this just 4K words of nothing actually happening #Deku is literally the most perfect angel in the world #but he asked the wrong question

398 notes · View notes

a-small-batch-of-dragons · 3 years

Text

Stuck

Prompts: Uhh hi. Wanted to know if you could write something with Logan brin hurt (emotionally, mentally, physically, doesn't matter as long as he's hurt) and Patton, Virgil, and Roman aren't there for him for whatever reason so Remus and Janus take care of Logan and there's a lot of Logan being pulled into and set on laps and just Janus and Roman being Protective? I'm a sucker for hurt logan and Protective Janus and Remus. Okay thanks, have a good time. - anon

hey there! i absolutely love your fanfics! if possible (and feel free to ignore this), could you write some roloceit angst and hurt/comfort? perhaps with roman being the comforter and logan or janus being the hurt one? again, feel free to ignore this if you don’t want to write this, no pressure - anon

Can I request some Janus and Virgil or Logan cuddles? - anon

The answer to all of the above is yes and we switch RIGHT back into projecting-onto-Logan mode!

Read on Ao3

Pairings: roloceit, background platonic lamp, dlamp, dlampr

Warnings: stimming, getting caught in a stim loop

Word Count: 4558

Occasionally, Logan will get stuck.

Not in a logic loop, no, he’s quite adept at getting out of those, but in certain patterns of behavior. He’ll find himself absentmindedly swinging his arm back and forth and the moment he notices it, he will be unable to stop. It will simply swing there, back and forth, completely unconsciously, and only by someone else walking past and asking him what he’s doing, or tapping him, will he be able to stop.

For the most part, it’s just an annoying inconvenience. It takes him longer to do tasks than it should. It prevents him from engaging in serious conversations when necessary. Occasionally, Roman will also get stuck in a similar fashion and the two of them will shake their heads until they can unstick themselves.

Other times…

“Damnit, no, that’s not what I meant.”

“Well, what did you mean? Because it kind of sounds like you don’t want me to be in your space at all, except your space is the entire Mindscape!”

“Kiddos, just—calm down—“

“We can’t, Padre, you know we can’t.”

“Listen, this whole thing started because—“

How did this whole thing start?

Logan curls his fingers around his water bottle and leans back against the couch, closing his eyes as the others continue bickering.

Thomas had gotten into a small argument earlier today. Nothing too significant, nothing that would drastically impede their friendship, nor chance a cut-off of communication. But enough to make Virgil shoot up protectively the second Thomas got back.

Roman hadn’t wanted to do anything except immediately apologize. Patton had wanted to talk through everything with Thomas to make sure they understood it. Virgil hadn’t wanted to do anything because Thomas was already stressed.

Logan—

Well, Logan’s not sure what to do.

He doesn’t want to—

Well. He doesn’t want to do anything.

Thomas should give his friend time to relax and get a clear head, giving himself time to do the same. They had both reacted emotionally due to the differences in the way they associate emotions with the things that they care about. Thus, in order to reach a conclusion that would satisfy both parties, they needed to determine the best way to explain their differences and work together. The problem arose when figuring out how to communicate something that innate.

“If we try and say that this is just how we think,” Virgil says firmly, “we’re gonna come off as patronizing or condescending.”

“But if we don’t say it at all,” Patton points out, “then we’re just going to hurt them again!”

“So it would be best if we just went away?” Roman throws his hands up. “The first thing we have to do is apologize. We hurt them.”

“But we’re not responsible for their emotions. We have to talk to them before we can do anything like apologize.”

“But then it just sounds like we’re preaching at them!”

“Think of it this way: if you knew that someone was specifically holding their emotions back so that you could feel better, how would you feel?”

“That was not the right thing to say, Patton,” Virgil mutters under his breath.

Logan taps his fingers against his water bottle. Tap, tap, tap. Tap, tap, tap.

“What do you think I’ve been doing?”

“Roman—“

“Putting that aside,” Virgil says quickly, “we have to talk about how—“

They’ve been at this for—how long? Logan can’t remember. They’re feeding off of each other at this point, caught in a feedback loop. Roman will say something, Virgil will point out how that doesn’t make sense to him so how could it make sense to someone else, Patton will try and bring the conversation back to feelings, and on and on they spin. Logan has no emotional stake in this—not that he has much of an emotional stake in anything—and thus he tried to stay quiet, to let them speak.

He’s already been asked to let them do so many times.

So he sits quietly, tapping his fingers against his water bottle. Tap, tap, tap.

“Do you just want me to leave? Should I get some paper plates for myself?”

“No, kiddo, that’s not what we want—“

“That would make me feel worse because then it feels like you aren’t comfortable down here.”

“Well, I’m not! I’m already at max capacity, trying to figure out what you all need from this and all we’re doing is adding more rules for how I’m supposed to behave!”

“Virgil,” Roman says, “what do you think the rules are? What are we missing about how Thomas is acting?”

“I just told you all of them!”

Tap, tap, tap. Tap, tap, tap.

“But we don’t know what those rules are, if you were to just tell us—“

“But you’ve told me them so many times, hell, I helped create some of them!”

Tap, tap, tap. Tap, tap, tap.

“But there may be rules that you see as rules that we don’t care about, so—“

“Because it’s not your job to care about them, Princey.”

“So help me understand! I don’t want to make this harder on you!”

“You’re not responsible for my emotions.”

“But I can’t think like that, Virgil. If I tell you to do something or—even if I just say something or bring it up then you’ll get mad at me and I hate it when you’re mad at me.”

“But you’re not responsible for that.”

“You’re still going to be mad at me!”

“Damnit, no, that’s—no, Princey, that’s not true.”

Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

Their voices keep getting louder. His tapping grows frantic. They ring in his ears, even with his eyes closed he can see their faces. He can see Virgil’s eyeshadow getting deeper, he can see Roman’s expressions getting more defined, he can see Patton getting slowly more frustrated. He can hear the tension in the room about to snap.

They’re all about to start yelling at each other and he can’t do anything to stop it.

All he can do is tap, tap, tap, on his water bottle.

“What’re you all shouting about?”

“Go away, Remus.”

“Oh, but I just love showing up where I’m not invited.”

Something heavy lands on the couch next to Logan. He does not look up from his water bottle, he does not open his eyes, his fingers do not stop tap, tap, tapping.

“Remus, don’t do that, you almost landed right on…”

Virgil’s voice trails off.

“…Logan?”

Tap, tap, tap. Tap, tap, tap.

“Logan, are you okay?”

Tap, tap, tap. Tap, tap, tap. Tap, tap, tap.

“Fuck, guys, shut up.”

“Virgil!”

“Language, kiddo.”

“No, really, guys, Logan’s not okay, be quiet.”

Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

“But I think it’s interesting how—“

“No, guys, really,” Virgil says again, his tempest tongue coming out a little, “shut up.”

“Lolo?”

Ah, that must be Remus. A soft voice beside him, blocking out the others into a distant murmur, a warm hand on his shoulder.

“Lolo, can you hear me?”

Tap, tap, tap. Tap, tap, tap.

Remus curses. “I’m taking this.”

“Rem—!”

Logan doesn’t hear the rest of Patton’s cry as Remus grabs him by the shoulder and sinks out, into another living room, perhaps, judging by the fact that they land on a very similar couch.

“It’s okay, Lolo,” Remus murmurs, rubbing gentle circles into his shoulder, “you’re okay, this won’t last forever. I already called for Jan-Jan.”

Tap, tap, tap. Tap, tap, tap.

“You’re doing great, just keep breathing, okay?”

The water bottle cap smushes uncomfortably against Logan’s mouth, how long has he had it here?

“You’re okay, Lolo, this won’t last forever, just stay with me.”

The others aren’t here. No one is yelling. There will be no emotional spillover, everything will be okay. Everything is okay.

Logan’s tapping grows less frantic, settling back into a smooth rhythm on the bottle.

Tap, tap, tap. Tap, tap, tap.

Remus’s hand never leaves his shoulder, still rubbing warm, patient circles.

“They should’ve known better,” he mutters, mostly to himself, “fucking morons.”

Something about Remus’s tone worms its way into Logan’s hands, gentling his fingers to a stop. He cups the smooth, cool metal of the water bottle and takes a deep breath. Remus stills.

“…Lolo?”

He blinks his eyes open.

Well, he was correct. They are in the Dark Sides’s living room. He turns to look at Remus.

“Be honest,” he says in a surprisingly even voice, “how red is my face right now?”

Remus blinks. “Not one bit, actually.”

“Well, that’s good.”

“Yeah.” Remus looks down and gently tugs on the water bottle. “Can I have this?”

“No, thank you.”

“Okay. Can I hug you?”

“Yes, why—oof!”

To be honest, he probably should have expected to be all but tackled into the couch, considering that is the primary way Remus shows affection to Roman. Still, his back hits the sofa with a surprised gasp as Remus’s weight comes to rest on top of him.

“A little warning next time would’ve been appreciated.”

“Sorry.” Remus props himself up on his elbows. “Am I hurting you?”

“I can’t imagine lying on top of a water bottle is very comfortable.”

Remus lets him move it off his chest before flopping back down and snuggling closer.

“You okay?”

“I’m perfectly adequate.”

“Not what I asked, Brainiac. You were stuck. And upset.”

Logan quiets. Remus must be able to tell that he’s thinking; after a second, he turns and goes to pull away. The sudden absence of warm pressure above him hurts.

“No—“ he catches onto Remus’s back— “stay?”

“…Lolo,” Remus says quietly after a moment, “Lolo, move your arm a little.”

“What? Why?”

“Don’t want to hurt you when I lie back down, shift a bit.”

Logan shifts, letting Remus settle back down on top of him and lift his arm over his shoulder. He rumbles, low in his chest, pressing Logan firmly against the couch.

“Can we just…stay like this? For a bit?”

“Sure, Lolo.”

Remus is warm and solid, somehow radiating the energy that if anyone so much as tries to get near them right now he’ll gnaw their arm off. That’s not an empty threat. One of his hands flops off the couch, keeping his fingers just brushing the carpet. Logan takes a deep breath, feeling Remus move.

Oh.

Oh, dear.

“What?”

Did he say that out loud?

“Yeah, you did.”

“Hmm,” Logan mumbles, “well, that’s not ideal.”

“Yeah, I gathered. But that’s kinda my thing so, spit it out, Lolo.”

“I have come to the realization that I entered the stimming cycle while in my operative mode, which means that I cannot fully disengage from it until I know the problem is resolved.” Logan sighs. “Which I can’t do until I reestablish an emotional balance.”

“Can you put that in layman’s terms?”

He winces. “I don’t know if I can. My vocabulary tends to increase exponentially as my level of exhaustion climbs.”

“Yeesh.” Remus sits up, sliding onto the floor and prompting an involuntary noise from Logan wondering where he’s going. “C’mere.”

Remus hauls him into his lap. Logan’s a little too tall to fit his head under Remus’s chin, but Remus plants his face square in Logan’s collarbones and hangs on tight.

“You’re gonna be fine, Lolo,” Remus says softly, “just…try and take a minute, yeah? Maybe you’ll be a little less exhausted.”

“But I can’t, Remus,” he whispers, “I can’t—I can’t start calming down until the problem’s solved and I can’t solve the problem unless I—I—“

“Ah, shh, shh,” Remus hushes, leaning back to place a finger against Logan’s mouth, “first off, you already explained it better than you did a moment ago, and second, the three of them actually are capable of solving their own problems.”

He chuckles, clearly seeing the doubt expressed on Logan’s face.

“I know it sounds impossible, but they have done it.”

“Who has done what?”

Logan whirls around to see Janus striding out of the shadows, nonchalantly tugging his gloves into place. Remus, of course, does not bother to keep them balanced and simply topples over, right on top of Logan.

Janus raises an eyebrow at the display. “My, Remus, how graceful you’re getting to be.”

“Thank you!”

“That’s not—mm.” Janus rolls his eyes and looks at Logan. “Well, I must say, I certainly expected to see you here.”

Logan’s fingers close absentmindedly around the water bottle. Janus’s gaze holds him tight.

Tap, tap, tap.

What—what’s happening? Janus won’t hurt him, Janus isn’t going to be angry at him—is he? Janus won’t have to go clean up his mess…right?

“Remus, off.”

“Hey, Lolo, it’s okay, you’re good, remember?”

Logan blinks. Janus is crouched now, concern written plainly on his features. Remus’s hand is on his shoulder again, gently rubbing circles. His own hands tap gently on the surface of the water bottle.

“My apologies.”

“You’re good,” Remus says as Janus murmurs: “there’s no need for that, sweetie.”

Logan sighs, stilling his hands and sitting up, letting Remus hook one leg around his back to pull him into his embrace. He leans his head into the middle of Logan’s back and hums.

“Remus…rescued me,” he says eventually, “from the conversation going on with the others.”

Janus makes a small ‘ah’ sound.

“There were..heavy emotional investments coming from all sides,” Logan continues, “including making Virgil feel a little cornered.”

“I’m sure that went well.”

“It didn’t.” Logan shuts his eyes. “And now I am…I got stuck.”

“With the water bottle?”

He nods. “And I am currently unable to get…unstuck.”

“Because your system still registers it as an incomplete task,” Janus murmurs, “and thus it won’t let you begin to decompress.”

Logan nods.

“Look at me, sweetie.”

Janus smiles when he catches Logan’s gaze again. He holds out a hand. “Come here, let me help.”

Logan goes to stand, only to be thwarted by Remus’s arms, still tightly around his waist.

“No,” Remus mutters, muffled a little with his head in Logan’s back still, “my brain cell.”

Janus frowns. “Remus…”

“You wait your turn!”

A giggle bubbles out of Logan’s throat. Janus narrows his eyes and his arms stretch, each curving around Logan’s sides to poke Remus.

“Give. Me. My. Logan,” Janus says, punctuating each word with a poke. “My. Logan.”

Remus squeaks, clutching Logan tightly, only making the giggles worse.

“Give me my Logan,” Janus calls, still prodding Remus, “give him to me.”

“Fine!”

“There,” Janus coos, immediately taking advantage of the fact that all his arms are here and Logan is no longer being held to reel the logical Side in close, “that wasn’t so hard now was it?”

The residual giggles don’t quite trail off as Janus pushes Logan’s glasses back up his nose and smiles.

“Hi, sweetie.” His eyes widen when Logan can’t stop giggling. “I didn’t poke you now, little one, why’re you so giggly?”

He shoots a mock scolding look over Logan’s shoulder.

“You didn’t accidentally kidnap Patton, and not my Logan, did you?”

“Nope, that’s the brainiac.”

“Mm.”

Why can’t he stop laughing? What’s happening? Why is—why is he stuck again?

“Oh, oh, sweetie,” Janus’s voice comes from somewhere far away, “oh, little Logan, it’s alright, shh, shh, sweetie…”

Why is Janus shushing him? He’s fine. Something swipes against his cheek.

“Shh, shh, you come here, just come here for me, Logan, I’ve got you, you’re safe now…”

Is he still laughing? His chest is still hitching and he can feel his diaphragm, so why does Janus sound so concerned?

“It’s okay to cry, sweetie, it’s normal, from what it sounds like, you’ve been having a bit of a rough time.” Something against his cheek again. “Shh, shh, just come here…”

Oh.

Oh, he’s crying.

Of course, as soon as he realizes that, he all but collapses into Janus’s chest and starts sobbing in earnest.

“There, there, sweetie,” Janus coos instantly, cradling his limp form, “I’ve got you, you’re safe, little one, shh, shh, it’s alright.”

Logan clutches as hard as he can to Janus’s cloak, fingers sliding off clumsily. Janus makes a noise and two hands come up to grip his, squeezing.

“There you go, just focus on this for me, okay? Stay with me, Logan.”

“What’s—what—wha’s happening?”

“You’re crying, sweetie,” Janus says gently, “you’re overwhelmed and exhausted. Your system is trying to reset itself.”

“But—but—it—but it hurts.”

“Try not to fight it,” comes Remus’s voice from behind him, “let Janny hang onto you.”

“That’s right.” Janus clutches him tighter. “You just stay right here, little Logan, in my arms, in my lap, let me look after you.”

“‘M not little.”

“You’re all little to me, sweetie.”

Remus snorts. “Just because you’re a giant to everyone else aside from when Virgil gets tall doesn’t mean you have to be so snobby about it.”

“On the contrary, it means I have the right to look down on you all.”

Despite himself, Logan snorts. An interesting experience when combined with a sob, to be sure, but it happens. Janus chuckles, still hugging him tightly.

“That’s it, sweetie, it’s alright. It seems like you’re coming to the end of it now, just a little longer, you’re doing wonderfully…”

Logan takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly…slowly…there.

“Sweetie?” A hand ruffles through his hair. “Sweetie, are you with me?”

“Yes,” Logan mumbles, “yes, I’m—I’m here.”

“Good.” Janus presses a kiss to his cheek. “That seemed like a lot, sweetie, are you alright?”

“…hurts.”

“What hurts, Logan, what can I do?”

“Just…” he leans a little further into Janus’s embrace. “Stay?”

Janus chuckles. “Of course, sweetie. Do you want to talk about it?”

Logan shakes his head. “Ask—ask Remus.”

“Remus?”

As Remus explains what happened, Logan closes his eyes and does his very best to relax, more than sagging unconsciously into Janus’s arms. Everything is so…fuzzy, almost pixelated, as though he’s struggling to keep his focus here and now. He feels as though he’s fading in between…layers? Is that the right word? Layers of being stuck and unstuck, drifting without ever really making his home in one or the other. If he lets himself slip too much, he’ll get stuck in a loop of nothingness, unable to move or do anything. If he winds himself up too much or tries to focus too hard, he’ll get stuck in another stim cycle.

Janus makes a soft noise and a hand scratches lightly through his hair.

“I’m sorry, sweetie,” comes the voice in his ear, “that sounds awful.”

“It’s not their fault.”

“No, I know that, but still.” Janus kisses his forehead. “That doesn’t make it easier for you.”

“And they should know better,” Remus growls, sending another jolt of warmth through Logan’s chest.

“We can’t just forbid them from hurting Logan ever again.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s terribly impractical, Remus, you know this.”

Remus’s theatrical sigh almost makes him seem like Roman. The arms that attach themselves like limpets around his waist a moment later, though, are definitely Remus.

“This okay?”

“Mhmm.”

“Good.” Remus’s head finds a home in between Logan’s shoulder blades. “We’re all just gonna sit here for a moment, okay?”

“Okay.”

Janus ruffles Remus’s hair and bends down to murmur in Logan’s ear.

“Do you want to fall asleep here, sweetie?”

That’s enough to rouse him. “No. If I do that, it will be…not good.”

Janus nods. “Then let’s have you stay here for a little longer, then get you to your room for a shower and something to eat, hmm?”

“Yes, please, thank you.”

“Of course, sweetie.”

Sure enough, a few minutes later, when Janus gently prompts him up, Logan wraps his arms around Remus in a tight hug with a whispered thank-you before Janus sinks him out to his room. He passes Logan a granola bar and watches as he eats, chases it down with a glass of water.

“Would you like to be left alone for this?”

Logan nods.

“Alright.” Janus cups the back of his neck to bring their foreheads together, kissing his cheek one last time. “Take care of yourself, alright, sweetie?”

“I will.”

“Good.”

Janus sinks out and Logan goes to take a shower. It’s only muscle memory that gets him out of his clothes, into the shower, out of the shower, and into something softer. His mind is still fuzzy, unsure of whether it’s going to stick or not, accompanied by a slowly growing grayness in his chest. It spikes the instant he shuts off the water, making him much, much colder than he expects, threatening a whine in the back of his throat. It disappears a moment later but it leaves him shaken.

It’s only when he opens his bathroom door and Roman turns around that he realizes what must’ve happened.

Roman smiles softly, his hand coming up to reach for him. Logan comes, letting him take his hand and pull him close.

“Hey, there, Specs,” Roman murmurs, “you’re all clean now, hmm?”

“Yes, I—you—why—how—“

“Janus came to have a talk with me,” Roman says, cutting off the rest of his babbling, “even though most of it I already knew. I’m sorry I didn’t realize you getting stuck earlier, I know that can’t’ve been easy.”

“…it wasn’t.”

“I’m glad our snake took care of you.”

“Remus helped too.”

“And Remus,” Roman amends, still smiling as he tugs Logan closer, “but you’re still…?”

Logan’s face falls; he can tell by the way Roman makes a soft noise and raises a hand to tuck his hair back.

“Oh, sweetheart,” he murmurs, “may I take care of you?”

“You don’t have to.”

“I know, I know I don’t have to, but I want to.” Roman draws back a little to fix him with a look. “Because aside from your brain not knowing whether it’s going to get stuck again, I know two things are going on in there.”

He softens a little.

“Let me guess: part of you is trying to convince itself that either you are useless when it comes to emotions and thus we don’t need you, or that you don’t have emotions and therefore you shouldn’t be feeling like this.”

Logan’s mouth drops open.

“Am I right?”

“You—how—“

“Because I know you, my dearest darling nerd,” Roman murmurs, smiling, “and I know that you know both of those aren’t true, but perhaps you need a little reminder sometimes, hmm?”

He steps a little closer.

“Janus is very good at pulling you out of your head,” he continues, still trailing his fingers through Logan’s hair in a way that makes it very hard for Logan to disagree with him, “but he’s not very good at keeping you there, is he?”

“He’s good to us,” Logan mumbles, because Janus is, and he’s not sure what he would’ve done if he hadn’t shown up.

But at the same time…

“Janus is always a good person to go to first,” Roman says, as if he can hear what’s going on in Logan’s head—which, can he? Because he was spot on a moment ago— “isn’t he?”

Logan nods.

“He’s better at the first part than me, you know I can’t stop myself from spoiling you.”

Roman chuckles as Logan’s cheeks flush bright red.

“But maybe you need to get spoiled right now,” he continues, getting close enough to brush his nose against Logan’s cheek, “hmm? Let me take care of you?”

“R-Roman—“

“I’m right here, sweetheart,” Roman soothes as Logan reaches for him, “I’m right here…”

Roman lies them down, pulling the covers down to let Logan crawl into the bed first and tucking them both back in. He reaches up to carefully take hold of Logan’s glasses.

“May I?”

Logan nods. Roman slides them off carefully and folds them up, placing them on the table. Now everything really is fuzzy, Roman’s face staying out of focus until he leans back in, close enough to be clear.

“Give me a second.” Logan blinks and Roman’s also wearing a soft T-shirt and pants, smiling down at him. “There. Now I can cuddle you and I won’t hurt you.”

“You wouldn’t hurt me,” Logan mutters as Roman props himself up on his elbow, running his hand through Logan’s hair.

“It’s never my intention, no.” He leans down to press a kiss to Logan’s forehead.

“Roman…”

“Yes, sweetheart, what is it?”

Logan shakes his head. “Nothing, just…just…”

“Just what?”

“…saying your name.”

Roman’s breath leaves him in a rush. “Oh, sweetheart, let me be soft with you, please, let me look after you…”

“Yes.”

Roman lies down, swinging his leg up and over one of Logan’s. He’s warm, so warm, as his weight settles firmly in place. Unlike Remus, who stayed still, just holding Logan there, Roman moves almost constantly. Trailing kisses across his forehead, his cheeks, down to the curve of his chin, hands reaching down to clasps his and draw them up, next to his head, murmuring gently about how much he loves getting to protect Logan like this, how lucky he is to have Logan here, how sweet and soft Logan is for him right now.

“Oh, sweetheart,” he whispers as he comes back to Logan’s cheek, brushing away a stray tear, “it’s okay, Specs, you’ve been so strong today.”

“But I didn’t do anything,” he argues, “I—I wasn’t helpful at all.”

Roman leans up a little to look at him. “You made us stop and realize how stupid we were being. We got it sorted out in about five minutes after Remus took you.”

“But that wasn’t me.”

Roman smiles, leaning to rub their noses together. “You said it yourself, even when you’re not physically present, you’re still a part of the conversation.”

Oh.

“You did so good today, Logan,” Roman promises, kissing his cheek again, “now relax and let me spoil you.”

“Roman…”

“Mm,” comes the mumble from somewhere near his ear.

“Roman…”

He can almost feel the quirk of Roman’s mouth. “Just saying my name, sweetheart?”

“Mhm.”

“Well then,” Roman murmurs, “just lie there and fall asleep to me, okay? I’ve got you.”

Logan shuts his eyes and lets Roman cuddle him, feeling the warmth reach into his chest and gentle the stickiness away. Although…

If this is what getting stuck will get him sometimes, maybe it’s not always an annoying inconvenience.

Taglist: @frxgprince @potereregina @reddstardust @gattonero17 @iamhereforthegayshit @thefingergunsgirl @awkwardandanxiousfander @creative-lampd-liberties @djpurple3 @winterswrandomness @sanders-sides-uncorrect-quotes @iminyourfandom @bullet-tothefeels @full-of-roman-angst-trash @ask-elsalvador @ramdomthingsfrommymind @demoniccheese83 @pattonsandershugs @el-does-photography @princeanxious @firefinch-ember @fandomssaremysoul @im-an-anxious-wreck @crazy-multifandomfangirl @punk-academian-witch @enby-ralsei @unicornssunflowersandstuff @wildhorsewolf @thetruthaboutthesun @stubbornness-and-spite @princedarkandstormv @your-local-fookin-deadmeme @angels-and-dreams @averykedavra @a-ghostlight-for-roman @treasurechestininterweb @cricketanne @aularei @queerly-fluid-fan @compactdiscdraws @cecil-but-gayer @i-am-overly-complicated @annytheseal @alias290 @tranquil-space-ninja @arxticandy @mychemically-imbalanced-romance @whyiask @crows-ace @emilythezeldafan @frida0043 @ieatspinalcords @snowyfires @cyanide-violence @oonagh2 @xxpanic-at-the-everywherexx @rabbitsartcorner @percy-07734 @triflingassailantofmyemotions

If you want to be added/taken off the taglist, let me know!

#dragonbabbles #fic #sanders sides #roloceit #roman sanders #logan sanders angst #logan sanders #janus sanders #deceit sanders #sympathetic deceit #remus sanders #sympathetic remus #virgil sanders #patton sanders

195 notes · View notes

dangermousie · 3 years

Text

CFC 102 uncensored parts

Only with Meatbun will I end up taking notes during 17 pages (!!!!!) of smut because she manages to fit character and relationship development and progression into her explicit stuff like nobody else.

First, and most amusing point is the He Yu’s breeding kink puts TXJ to shame. If they had AO3 in that universe, he’d have the mpreg tag bookmarked.

Moving on:

1. He Yu going down on XQC and trying his best despite having no experience is !!! because (a) yes He Yu, you are gay, you are enthusiastically deep-throating a man (b) XQC actually feels pleasure for the first time (except that one time he was drugged) in this entire life from his very first BJ ever and the whole thing where it’s more mental stimulation than physical for him - where it hits his masculine ego/love of conquest just right - I love it because it is so true for XQC that all his physical responses are inextricably tied to emotional ones and in order to get his body to respond you need to engage his emotions (c ) HY explicitly doing it because he feels bad XQC feels inadequate and that is a very HY way of comfort and showing XQC he’s not inadequate. But also HY is getting pleasure from XQC getting pleasure which is the very opposite of how it started. Hi there growth! (Also it was good for his ego to feel he was desperately wanted and catered to and that HY adored him and it wasn’t desire to humiliate or just pure hormones or w/e.)

2. But not just growth by HY, rank and abject jealousy too. So much of this scene is driven by HY’s desperate jealousy of XQC’s ex (which honestly is good for XQC to hear) - he wants to do it in their bed, he keeps saying he can give him a baby (ummmmm) and that “she never did BJs for you but I can!!!!” He’s so desperate and jealous and out of his mind. He’s half threatening and half begging throughout. I especially cracked up when he said XQC’s house is small so XQC doesn’t have room for more than one other person and “keep meeeeeee.”

3. This is the most vulnerable we’ve seen HY with XQC since the tapes or possibly since he was a kid begging XQC to stay. When XQC tells HY the only thing they have in common is their illness, he expects HY’s rage but what he gets is HY’s tears. Oh my.

4. When XQC finally loses his control and goes “you want? then let’s gooooo!!!” and takes charge and initiative I about died. Not as much as He Yu, whose genius brain you see struggle pitifully and die in bliss.

5. When HY tells XQC “I want you so much I am dying,” it’s the truth but also honestly after LRQ tearing off a scab, HY being so open and earnest about dying for want of XQC is so so so healing and good for XQC.

6. I love this bit so much: “As if he didn't care at all. It's as if he loves his excellence as well as his mutilation, admires his toughness as well as his wretchedness.“ Yes, He Yu knows all of XQC now and loves all of him and I am not sure what it is exactly XQC feels but it must be so liberating for him.

7. I can’t get over how awesome it is that for the first time XQC is enjoying himself and he’s hard and he’s taking initiative and moaning and whatever else. The poor man deserves to feel good and those decades of repression are getting worked off finally - no wonder they keep going like energizer bunnies all night long.

8. XQC asking why he shouldn’t he be on top. I died.

9. HY thanking XQC for climaxing (!!!!) because it’s the first time (if we don’t count the club and we don’t for obvious reasons) and like - it’s such a contrast from their past scenes and honestly, HY is swooning from feeling it on his skin I AM SORRY YOU ARE SUPER DUPER GAY GAY GAY GAAAAY

10. Puppydragon learned to ask!!!! wooooooo

11. Did I mention how much I love that they are both competitive as fuck even in bed? And both like to be in charge? Good luck with your x-rated games, boys!On that note - I am still not over XQC literally yelling in bed despite trying not to thanks to neighbors and walls and HY’s reaction. But yes, XQC clearly has a drive, it’s just he’s probably demi-adjacent and also has huge issues. Yay, in the future when they are in a relationship, HY won’t die of frustration.

In conclusion - consent and enthusiasm are def sexy as HY just learned. And sex is awesome as XQC just learned. Now please have a long nap, you earned it.

PS No, He Yu, you cannot knock him up! But I suppose you are gonna keep trying - when he loses his mind and starts babbling things like he wishes he could chain him to the bed and feed him nothing but ****, good lord kid, quite an imagination!

PPS Sorry, He Yu, saying “I want to fuck you for the rest of my life” doesn’t quite have the same ring as Mo Ran’s “I want to hold an umbrella over you for the rest of my life.” Keep working on it! 😝

#cnovel #meatbun doesn't eat meat #case file compendium

28 notes · View notes

bring-it-all-down · 3 years

Text

Much has been said about the Black Sails finale and its statement of the show’s themes, so I’d like to focus instead on the penultimate episode, specifically the following speech Jack gives as he’s headed back to Nassau with the goal of killing Flint:

The result ahead of us promises to be a victory of a different sort. A true victory. Freedom...in every sense of the word. How many men in the history of the world have ever known it? How remarkable a moment is this? How fortunate are we to be standing on the threshold of it?

I think this speech really gets to the heart of the show: it’s ultimately about what it means to be truly free. While this notion of freedom is discussed in Flint’s unparalleled final speech about dragons, it’s perhaps in 4.09 that we get the fullest exploration of freedom.

There has obviously been a lot written on the subject of freedom throughout human history, and rather than foolishly attempt to summarize thousands of years of philosophy, I’m going to refer to one of my favorite understandings, written by W.E.B. DuBois:

I dream of a world of infinitive and valuable variety; not in the laws of gravity or atomic weights, but in human variety in height and weight, color and skin, hair and nose and lip. But more especially and far above and beyond this, is a realm of true freedom: in thought and dream, fantasy and imagination; in gift, aptitude, and genius—all possible manner of difference, topped with freedom of soul to do and be, and freedom of thought to give to a world and build into it, all wealth of inborn individuality. Each effort to stop this freedom of being is a blow at democracy—that real democracy which is reservoir and opportunity” (The World and Africa: An Inquiry into the Part Which Africa Has Played in World History, pg. 165.)

DuBois here notes three central elements of freedom: the physical (“to do and be”), the mental (“thought and dream, fantasy and imagination”), and the generational (“give to a world and build into it”). The first two components of freedom are understood by much of Western political philosophy through the terms “negative liberty” and “positive liberty” (coined by Isaiah Berlin), freedom from external threats and freedom to engage in philosophic activity. To these conceptions, DuBois adds a third that all the white dudes who conceived of the other two wouldn’t be concerned with: central to achieving them is the recognition that every individual owes prior and future generations their efforts to maintain liberty, that liberty is not just a theoretical principle but an action.

Turning now to episode 4.09, I think we can begin to understand how each of these three types of freedom overlap.

To start, the conflict of the episode deals with negative liberty. Silver and Flint to some degree know that if one catches the other with the chest, there is a chance they will be killed, and Silver wants the chest to ensure that Woodes Rogers does not kill Madi. In short, they are fighting for their survival, their physical freedom.

Moving on to the flashbacks between Flint and Silver, we begin to see the connection between negative liberty and positive liberty. First, because Silver and Flint are equals without the same political obligations to each other as they have to the crew, the people who serve them and who they serve in turn, they can be honest with each other. Silver recognizes this in telling Flint: “The men...I have to manage how they see me...But for pride to be an issue between you and I, well, I think we’re playing past that by now.” Because they, at that point, have physical/negative liberty with each other, they are then allowed to pursue mental/positive liberty, that being the revelation of their true selves.

However, Flint becomes aware that this physical liberty is an illusion because Silver is unwilling to meet him equally in their pursuit of positive liberty:

You know my story. Thomas, Miranda, all of it. Know the role it played in motivating me to do the things that I've done, the things I will do. It has made me transparent to you. Not only that, but when I told you this story, you insinuated yourself into it. The latest in a line of ill-fated partners, situating yourself such that...were you and I ever to come to blows, I'd be forced to hesitate before doing you any harm.

Thus Silver actually has a physical advantage over Flint, negating any semblance of Flint’s physical liberty in their relationship. Through Silver’s attempts to kill Flint in this episode and in the finale, we see that without both physical/mental (or negative/positive) liberty present in any relationship, neither will exist; you cannot have one without the other.

This brings us to what I’ve decided to call generational freedom, though I suppose it could also be called communal freedom. In this episode, the concept of generational freedom is brought up in relation to both Jack and Madi. First, we see it in Jack’s conversation with the man he chose to navigate him to Skeleton Island:

Jack: You sailed with Avery.

Old man: Long time ago.

Jack: 20 years? More, even, maybe?

Old man: More, aye.

Jack: Mm-hmm. You do know where you're going, yes? No, seriously, I've got quite a lot riding on this.

Old man: One day, you'll leave the account. Take a wife, father children. See less and less of the sea until she becomes like a painting hanging on the wall, static and irrelevant to your daily existence. But she'll keep on calling you. And when she does, you'll step into that painting and feel the swell beneath your feet. It'll all come back as if it were like yesterday.

Jack: Is that so?

Old man: I've watched you and yours handle the account since I and mine left it. Accomplish things that no one I ever sailed with could dream of. From what I've overheard, if you reach Skeleton Island, might mean the end of the governor. Maybe keep the account alive a little while longer. Is that so?

Jack: That and more.

Old man: Then I'll take you to it. Hold on to this for as long as you can, for all of us who once had it...and walked away.

In this conversation, we see the generational connections within piracy. The old man sailed with Henry Avery, the person most responsible for establishing the current status of piracy in Nassau, and he is conversing with the person who will usher Nassau into a new era. He is careful to remind Jack of this link and of how unseverable it is; no matter how far away Jack gets from piracy, he will never be able to leave it fully behind. There is some sense of owing his existence in this world to Avery and all those who came before him, a debt he must repay with his actions (namely, removing Woodes Rogers and continuing the life of piracy in Nassau).

Immediately after this conversation, we get Woodes Rogers’ bargaining with Madi. He offers her an ultimatum: accept his treaty or he will kill Silver and all of Silver’s crew, which includes many of Madi’s people. Madi rejects his ultimatum with one of the most poignant speeches in the show:

The voice you hear in your head, I imagine I know who it sounds like, as I know Eleanor wanted those things. But I hear other voices. A chorus of voices. Multitudes. They reach back centuries. Men and women and children who'd lost their lives to men like you. Men and women and children forced to wear your chains. I must answer to them and this war, their war, Flint's war, my war, it will not be bargained away to avoid a fight, to save John Silver's life or his men's or mine. And you believe what you will, but it was neither I nor Flint, nor the Spanish raider who killed your wife. That, you did.

Because of her existence as a former slave who had lived in hiding for most of her life, Madi most fully understands generational freedom. She knows that the supposed freedom Rogers’ treaty offers her and her people is not actual freedom because it fails to address the unfreedom of her ancestors, of the rest of the enslaved people in the Caribbean, because she knows that freedom will never be achieved on the terms of the oppressor. She knows that she owes this war to every victim of England’s empire and that it is the only way to achieve what DuBois calls the opportunity to “give to a world and build into it.”

This episode thus introduces the idea that “freedom every sense of the word” depends on one recognizing one’s duty to one’s community that consists of not just its current members, but its past and future members. Complete freedom is achieved when one begins to fight to protect the freedom of those who do not yet exist. Madi understands this about freedom, as does Flint, but despite Silver’s insistence that he and Flint are true friends and equals, he is incapable of grasping the generational component of freedom and he therefore ensures that physical and mental freedom, too, will fall outside of his grasp.

#black sails #James McGraw Thesis #james flint #john silver #Freedom is an ongoing collective project

62 notes · View notes