#been living with chronic illness for a decade as of last year

[demigodofhoolemere]

25 And a certain woman, which had an issue of blood twelve years, 26 And had suffered many things of many physicians, and had spent all that she had, and was nothing bettered, but rather grew worse, 27 When she had heard of Jesus, came in the press behind, and touched his garment. 28 For she said, If I may touch but his clothes, I shall be whole. 29 And straightway the fountain of her blood was dried up; and she felt in her body that she was healed of that plague. 30 And Jesus, immediately knowing in himself that virtue had gone out of him, turned him about in the press, and said, Who touched my clothes? 31 And his disciples said unto him, Thou seest the multitude thronging thee, and sayest thou, Who touched me? 32 And he looked round about to see her that had done this thing. 33 But the woman fearing and trembling, knowing what was done in her, came and fell down before him, and told him all the truth. 34 And he said unto her, Daughter, thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace, and be whole of thy plague.

Mark 5: 25-34

[invisibleicewands]

Please come and see me because I’ll be dead soon’: how Michael Sheen got sucked into a forever chemicals exposé

An opera-loving member of high society turned eco-activist who was forced into police protection with a panic button round his neck. A Hollywood actor who recorded said activist’s life story as he was dying from exposure to the very chemicals he was investigating. Throw in two investigative journalists who realise not everything is as it seems, then uncover some startling truths, and you have “podcasting’s strangest team” on Buried: The Last Witness.

On their award-winning 2023 podcast Buried, the husband and wife duo Dan Ashby and Lucy Taylor dug into illegal toxic waste dumping in the UK and its links to organised crime. This time, they focus on “forever chemicals”, specifically polychlorinated biphenyls (PCBs) and set out to discover whether one whistleblower may have been decades ahead of his time in reporting on their harmful impact.

“It’s amazing how big the scale of this story is,” says Ashby, as we sit backstage at the Crucible theatre, where they are doing a live discussion as part of Sheffield DocFest. “With this series, we don’t just want it to make your blood turn cold, we want it to make you question your own blood itself.”

It all started when Taylor and Ashby were sent a lead about the work of former farmer’s representative Douglas Gowan. In 1967, he discovered a deformed calf in a field and began to investigate strange goings on with animals close to the Brofiscin and Maendy quarries in south Wales. He linked them to the dumping of waste by companies including the nearby Monsanto chemical plant, which was producing PCBs.

PCBs were used in products such as paint and paper to act as a fire retardant, but they were discovered to be harmful and have been banned since 1981 in the UK. However, due to their inability to break down – hence the term forever chemical – Gowan predicted their legacy would be a troubling one. “I expect there to be a raft of chronic illness,” he said. He even claimed that his own exposure to PCBs (a result of years of testing polluted grounds) led his pancreas and immune system to stop working. “I’m a mess and I think it can all be attributed to PCBs,” he said.

However, Gowan wasn’t a typical environmentalist. “A blue-blood high-society Tory and a trained lawyer who could out-Mozart anyone,” is how Taylor describes him in the series. He would even borrow helicopters from friends in high places to travel to investigate farmers’ fields. Gowan died in 2018 but the pair managed to get hold of his life’s work – confidential reports, testing and years of evidence. “I’m interested in environmental heroes that aren’t cliche,” says Ashby. “So I was fascinated by him. But then we started to see his flaws and really had to weigh them up. My goodness it’s a murky world we went into.”

The reason they were able to delve even deeper into this murky world is because of the award-winning actor Michael Sheen who, in 2017, came across Gowan’s work in a story he read. He was so blown away by it, and the lack of broader coverage, that he tracked him down. “I got a message back from him saying: ‘Please come and see me because I’ll be dead soon,’” says Sheen. “I took a camera with me and spent a couple of days with him and just heard this extraordinary story.”

What Gowan had been trying to prove for years gained some traction in 2007, with pieces in the Ecologist and a Guardian article exploring how “Monsanto helped to create one of the most contaminated sites in Britain”. One was described as smelling “of sick when it rains and the small brook that flows from it gushes a vivid orange.” But then momentum stalled.

Years later, in 2023, Ashby and Taylor stumbled on a recording of Sheen giving the 2017 Raymond Williams memorial lecture, which referenced Gowan and his work. Before they knew it, they were in the actor’s kitchen drinking tea and learning he had conducted a life-spanning seven-hour interview with Gowan before his death. So they joined forces. Sheen isn’t just a token celebrity name added for clout on this podcast; he is invested. For him, it’s personal as well as political. “Once you dig into it, you realise there’s a pattern,” he says. “All the places where this seems to have happened are poor working-class areas. There’s a sense that areas like the one I come from are being exploited.”

Sheen even goes to visit some contaminated sites in the series, coming away from one feeling sick. “That made it very real,” he says. “To be looking into a field and going: ‘Well, I’m pretty sure that’s toxic waste.’” Sheen was living a double life of sorts. “I went to rehearsals for a play on Monday and people were like, ‘What did you do this weekend?’” he says. “‘Oh, I went to the most contaminated area in the UK and I think I may be poisoned.’ People thought I was joking.” Sheen ended up being OK, but did have some temporary headaches and nausea, which was a worry. “We literally had to work out if we had poisoned Michael Sheen,” says Ashby, who also ponders in the series: “Have I just killed a national treasure?”

The story gets even knottier. Gowan’s findings turn out to be accurate and prescient, but the narrative around his journey gets muddy. As a character with a flair for drama, he turned his investigation into a juicy, riveting story filled with action, which could not always be corroborated. “If he hadn’t done that, and if he’d been a nerdy, analytical, detail-oriented person who just presented the scientific reports and kept them neatly filed, would we have made this podcast?” asks Taylor, which is a fascinating question that runs through this excellent and gripping series.

Ashby feels that Gowan understood how vital storytelling is when it comes to cutting through the noise. “We have so much science proving the scale of these problems we face and yet we don’t seem to have the stories,” he says. “I think Douglas got that. Fundamentally, he understood that stories motivate human beings to act. But then he went too far.”

However, this is not purely about Gowan’s story – it’s about evidence. The Last Witness doubles up as a groundbreaking investigation into the long-lasting impact of PCBs. “We threw the kitchen sink at this,” says Ashby. “The breakthrough for us is that the Royal Society of Chemistry came on board and funded incredibly expensive testing. So we have this commitment to go after the truth in a way that is hardly ever done.”

From shop-bought fish so toxic that it breaches official health advice to off-the-scale levels of banned chemicals found in British soil, the results are staggering. “The scientist almost fell off his chair,” says Ashby. “That reading is the highest he has ever recorded in soil – in the world. That was the moment we knew Douglas was right and we are now realising the scale of this problem. The public doesn’t realise that even a chemical that has been banned for 40 years is still really present in our environment.”

To go even deeper into just how far PCBs have got into our environment and food chain, Ashby and Taylor had their own blood tested. When Taylor found 80 different types of toxic PCB chemicals in her blood it was a sobering moment. “I was genuinely emotional because it’s so personal,” she says. “It was the thought of this thing being in me that was banned before I was even born and the thought of passing that on to my children.” Ashby adds: “We’ve managed physical risk in our life as journalists in Tanzania and with organised crime, but more scary than a gangster is this invisible threat to our health.”

In order to gauge the magnitude of what overexposure to PCBs can do, they headed to Anniston, Alabama, once home to a Monsanto factory. “As a journalist, you have an inbuilt scepticism and think it can’t be that bad,” says Ashby. “But when I got there I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I hate to use words like dystopian, but it was. There is a whole massive school that can’t be used. There’s illnesses in children and cancers. It truly was the most powerful vignette of the worst-case example of these chemicals.”

It’s bleak stuff but instilling fear and panic is not the intention. “Obviously, we’re really concerned about it,” says Ashby. “And although the environmental crises we face do feel overwhelming, it is incredible how a movement has formed and how individuals are taking action in communities. The lesson to take from Douglas is that the response doesn’t have to be resignation. It can be agency.”

[femsolid]

Last month, the Daily Mail reported on the shocking case of 15-year-old Olivia Maunder, who was told by Frimley Park Hospital to try a mindfulness app to deal with her ‘indescribable agony’. It turned out she had a tumour in her pelvis. On one of the many occasions she was taken to A&E, she was told to ‘calm down’. On another, she was told that she was just ‘mirroring [her] mum’s pain as she had had back problems’. She and her mum were told it was all down to stress. By the time the tumour was discovered, it was so extensive that surgery was no longer an option. Olivia now has a few months to live. I had a personal experience of this some years ago, when a friend lost the use of her legs and was offered mindfulness classes rather than a mobility scooter. No doubt she was expected to use the power of her mind to teleport. I wonder if men are told to go away and be mindful as much as women are? I very much doubt it. We didn’t need the arrival of terms like ‘cervix-havers’ and ‘menstruators’ – but never ‘prostate-havers’ and ‘ejaculators’ – to know that the medical profession has always treated women differently. Women are 50 per cent less likely to be diagnosed after having a heart attack, are given less CPR than men, and are more likely to be given sedatives – rather than painkillers – for pain than men. While the NHS has been busy erasing such hate-speech terms as ‘mother’ and ‘breastfeeding’ from their public-information bulletins, NHS maternity negligence claims have doubled in the past decade. Last year, it was revealed that more than 200 babies and nine mothers had died due to bad care at the Shrewsbury and Telford NHS Trust alone. Sadistic doctors no longer perform lobotomies on women as a cure for promiscuity, or diagnose any female behaviour unpleasing to men as ‘hysteria’, but as Caroline Criado-Perez’s 2019 book, Invisible Women, pointed out, the medical system is ‘from root to tip, systematically discriminating against women, leaving them chronically misunderstood, mistreated and misdiagnosed’. Women are still being told that extreme illnesses are all in their minds. Nicolette Baker, a woman from Cornwall, shrunk to three stone because her doctors insisted that she was anorexic, repeatedly sectioning her. She is dying of Superior Mesenteric Artery Syndrome. Kirsty Maxwell, from Perthshire, was repeatedly told she had an eating disorder and was given everything from Gaviscon to antidepressants. She had terminal cancer. Doctors certainly seem to know what a woman is when it suits them – someone you tell to ‘calm down, dear’. This is the most lethal kind of gaslighting. It needs to be tackled, not zhuzhed up with twaddle like mindfulness. It’s thought to be worth around $4 billion, taking in everything from meditation apps to the 60,000 books on Amazon including the word ‘mindfulness’ in their titles, including Mindful Finance, Mindful Leadership and Mindful Dog Owners. This is all despite the increasing evidence that too much navel-gazing can increase depression and decrease your ability to withstand pain – even though dealing with pain is precisely what mindfulness is often prescribed for.

[wlwanakin]

hi keaton! thoughts on anakin and obi-wan’s relationship if anakin left the order for padmé and the kids? the mess and fallout is so interesting to me and no one ever talks about it

i’ve been thinking abt this a LOT bc i chronically keep writing stuff where obi-wan and anakin don’t talk anymore lol and a falling out feels like such an inevitability with most “fix it” scenarios that people just straight up don’t consider?? and i do find that annoying. any scenario where anakin leaves the order for padmé (and the twins) would cause a rift (of varying size, depending on the circumstances) and i don’t think it’s an unfixable one but i do think that to get to that idealistic uncle obi-wan point everyone loves it’d take years and a lot of working through things and a lot of Talking About It, which obi-wan is generally not super fond of as he processes approximately one emotion a year, so it’d be a laborious process and he is not going to be attending the twins’ first birthday party.

throughout the war obi-wan is aware of anakin and padmé’s relationship and he’s fine letting them have it, and honestly i think that might make things worse if anakin found out bc it’s instance #2517485857 of obi-wan refusing to vocalize support for him, and also would not soften the general disapproval for anakin Choosing To Leave. and that is a bit explosive! as most things are with anakin really. bc obi-wan did let anakin have that but he is also extremely steadfast in his belief that anakin Needs the jedi, that they’re his family etc and obviously there’s the responsibility aspect of it all and i’m sure he’d make that known and that’s gotta be an infuriating thing to hear from someone you’ve always yearned for familial affection from but never gotten a sufficient amount of it from. and i do think anakin’s rots novel mindset of “my wife and kids are my family, not you guys” would cross over, along with the resentment buildup, and…well! they certainly wouldn’t be parting amicably.

i think the specifics of how long the fallout lasts, how severe it is etc really depends on the specifics of the scenario. like if we’re talking an au where the clone war is still raging there’s a much bigger sense of abandoning duty and i think it’s also harder to process the moral ills of your closely held religion when you’re smack in the middle of them and you kinda have to push all your growing disillusionment aside and keep clocking into The War every day and i think that might lead to a worse and longer-lasting relationship rift, just because too much shit is happening at once and no one has processed anything and why would they wanna process more things. a peacetime scenario would probably fare only slightly better, though i think how much better highly depends on how obvious the moral rot of the order becomes to obi-wan due to whatever circumstances led into ambiguous happy au, and frankly if he doesn’t let himself process his own disillusionment then anakin’s is going to continue to be incomprehensible and that disconnect will continue to make his perception be “you abandoned your religious moral obligation” which is not gonna fare well!! obviously!!! especially if obi-wan’s loyalty to the order remains to such a degree that he expects the twins to be brought to the temple.

in General i think anakin leaving would leave to an explosive fight where obi-wan tries to talk him out of it, and maybe they do stay in contact in whatever strained limited way they can or maybe they don’t but it can’t really be The Same. they do love each other and i do think that deep down they want each other in their lives and that is the main reason i don’t think a fallout between them would be permanent but like i said at the start it would be laborious to get to a point where they’re actually close again. they have to Communicate Their Feelings, they have to close decades old wounds, obi-wan has to admit his wrongs and express affection in a way that is actually remotely normal, anakin has to actually sit down and process things that happened to him, entire worldviews must come into question, like it’s not really gonna be fun for either of them (esp for obi-wan). and i really think this is the kind of thing that has to take years bc anakin needs time to heal from his Everything and obi-wan needs time to come to terms with the fact that hey maybe his worldview was not correct? maybe the order he gave his life to is not entirely noble? and neither of these things are things that come easy. and while those things are happening it’d probably be better for them to not talk bc any talking they do would probably be incredibly unkind lmao

[coldresolve]

Hi, I'm Elias, I'm a 26yo trans guy from Denmark. I write shit, I draw shit, and I get into unneccesarily tedious arguments with anons about torture apologia in fiction. I think that sums up my vibe

I've made a few posts about this already, but tl;dr: the Danish NHS has been refusing to treat me for gender dysphoria for the better part of a year now because they've deemed me "unstable." Unstable how, you ask?

I have depression.

No, that is quite literally it. Full context under the readmore.

Fighting to be heard and having the door repeatedly slammed in your face sucks peak ass, and I'm done now. The NHS is so lackluster when it comes to trans people, all of a sudden, it makes perfect sense to me why 31% of transgender Danes get HRT outside of the NHS.

And I'd rather not have to turn to the black market, so rn I'm hoping to get a prescription with GenderGP. The issue is, I'm poor as fuck and can't afford the start-up fees for the forseeable future - unless I do something like this. I hate asking others for money, and I hate it even more if I'm not in a place where I can give anything in return. But I also recognize I'm in over my head with this, so. If you've got a cent or two to spare, I'd be grateful as hell.

I've mathed it out, and my best estimate is that I need around 3500,- DKK / $500 USD. Again, this is just to cover the initial subscription as well as mandatory consultations/blood tests. I should be able to cover the prescriptions on my own, as well as further tests/consultations down the line, so I'm hoping this is a one-and-done sort of thing.

paypal: elimunpau@gmail.com

Also, important note. We're in a global cost of living/housing crisis and this isn't a strict life-or-death situation. If you're in a tough spot right now, don't send me anything, that'd just make me feel worse about asking. I appreciate the thought but you gotta take care of your own needs first. Peace and take care ✌️

So I've been dealing with major depressive disorder since I was 11. It runs in my family, and as you might imagine, after 15 years of living with this thing, I've learned how to manage it pretty well by now. I know what it's like to genuinely be unstable - and if I were in a place like that, no problem, I'd be open about that. I wouldn't be making decisions like this. I know myself. You kind of have to when you're dealing with a chronic mental illness.

Here's where I am right now: I've got no suicidal ideation, been clean from self harm for four years, no psychosis, no inpatient admissions for the last five years. I live on my own, take my meds, and I'm keeping my life in order. Depressed, yes, but about as stable as someone with my history can get, and ask anyone who knows me, me wanting to get on HRT isn't some spur of the moment decision. I've done a fucking decade of soul searching, and a few years ago, I finally (duh) reached the conclusion that living as a woman isn't something I can even fake being content with - believe me, I've tried. I'm well aware of the scope of medical transition, but I'm settled in who I am. And I just want to live like me now. That's the only thing I want.

If it counts for anything, my partner and family have supported me through this, which has been priceless obviously, but it also goes to show that me saying "I'm capable of making medical decisions" isn't purely a personal assessment. I'm pretty sure they'd speak up if they thought I was being unstable about it or whatever

But the CPH clinic for sexology, who have consistently refused to listen to me telling them all this, have somehow magically aquired divine knowledge on my capacity to make adult decisions about my own body, and on the basis that I have MDD, they're refusing to even set me up for a preliminary interview - one that would preceed a 6 month full-team psych evaluation before the prospect of HRT would even come up. They said in their latest refusal that they wont accept another referral from me until a year after my last in-clinic conversation with them, which happened on October 24th, 2023 - meaning that with the NHS, if they accepted my referral come October (which I don't have much faith they will), the earliest I could possibly get on HRT is April 2025. Arguing for my own sanity would've sucked enough as is, but it's made harder by the fact that they won't even talk to me. You're a trans guy who would like healthcare, but you have a mental illness? Good luck, you're on your own. Long live the Danish bureaucracy.

Dysphoria makes me fucking miserable. I'd rather not have to write a sob story here, and tumblr is like 80% trans people so I guess a good portion of you can imagine why waiting another year for the possibility of maybe-perhaps-if-all-goes-well getting on HRT would not actually make me less miserable about it.

So. I'm sitting down next week along with my mom to file a formal complaint with the patient's rights committee. I don't know what to call this other than some form of discrimination on the basis of mental illness, because nothing in my current situation would prohibit me from making medical decisions for myself. And I honestly don't think that a complaint is going to do much, but I intend to make it obnoxiously long, because by law, a specialized doctor and an attorney have to read through the whole thing. If you can't beat 'em, make 'em read 50 pages of you going into detail about why you think they suck, right

And yeah, like I said, in the meantime, I'm trying to go via GenderGP. It'd be nice if my poor ass could get HRT via the NHS instead of having to pay out of pocket, but apparently the bar for entry requires that you 1) have gender dysphoria to the point where it impedes normal function and 2) somehow aren't mentally ill. Who wrote these rules? Some 60yo cis guy in a suit in Christiansborg, I imagine.

Feel free ask about anything relating to this whole situation, I'll be as open as I can about it, cause I understand that if you're going to give money to someone, you want to know what it's going to. Though I hope you understand I'm not going to doxx myself more than I already have now, or give you my entire medical history - only what's relevant to my current situation.

I know Denmark is a welfare state and on a global scale we're doing alright, but I hope you don't mind if I say this: This shouldn't be happening as often as it does. Fuck the Danish NHS.

[kickingitwithkirk]

Winchester's Folly

Summary: When Dean gets into trouble John decides to hide the truth for his family

Pairing: Alpha Dean x Omega!Reader x Alpha Sam

Word Count: 862

*Dark! Fic-don't continue if you are disturbed by the subject matter

Warnings: A/B/O, non/con elements , dub/con elements, enslavement, pandemic, non/con drug use, collaring/leashing, forced mating, forced breeding, BDSM elements, show-level violence

*Additional warnings to be added

Square filled: @spnaubingo -Dystopian AU

A/N: * UPDATED 3/24 They say the third time is the charm, this will be the last rework of the Prologue.

A/N II: Still working on reigning myself in, keeping each part reader-friendly length, and have no clue how many parts this will end up being.

A/N III: a few notes about designations in A/O sub-genders for this story.

Alphas-Dominant (head of the pack/family) Subordinate (obey Dominant) Breeders (rare & highly coveted by the government. Can challenge Dominant for pack/family leadership)

Omegas -Domestic (mostly wiped out by plague, few natural born left) Feral (government-supplied breeders sold commonly called O's) House O’s (3rd generation+ Feral/Dominant breed. Used as servants/sex workers) Pack (rare & highly coveted by the government)

*Divider by @firefly-graphics

*No Beta-all mistakes are mine

Prologue

North Dakota

1999

John Winchester slowly drove down the snow-covered drive leading to an old warehouse and parked the ‘67 Impala in the back of its busy lot. All three Winchesters silently climbed out and trudged through the accumulated snow to the front entrance. If anyone had given him the choice between being here or hell, John would have picked hell.

Eighty years earlier

A virulent disease accidentally escaped a research lab, and the following pestilence wiped out 70% of the Omega population worldwide. At the same time, Alphas and Betas were predominantly immune and rarely died from it unless they had a chronic illness.

As in ancient times, the remaining Omegas were fought over, resulting in countries declaring martial law and rounded up the remaining Domestic Omegas. Several years later, a treatment was developed but the damage was nearly irrevocable. Betas had begun to reproduce to the point the other sub-genders would be extinct within a few decades.

At a hastily convened conference, the world's leading scientists offered the governing bodies with a short-term, yet controversial, solution: obtain Omegas from the remaining Wild Packs for a breeding program.

They presented evidence that introducing their genetics, relatively unchanged since splitting from their wolf ancestors, into mainstream populations would create a natural immunity against future resurgence and rebalance the sub-genders. Many argued the idea was insane. Those Omegas, or O’s, were too feral, still living as their wolf ancestors did and incapable of being domesticated.

The scientists then demonstrated an implant they developed containing multiple benefits. It would dampen O’s natural aggression and induce presentation from sixteen to thirteen. Domesticated Omegas had been bred down to present their early twenties and produced one pup at a time. The implant would also shorten the time between breeding seasons and increase litter size by controlled ovulation hyperstimulation.

The world leaders drew up a preliminary framework for each country that signed the accord to follow. Over the next thirty years, they would procure Wild Pack O’s for distribution from government-managed facilities, with an addendum upon review it’d be extend in certain regions if deemed necessary. In the Americas, it was called the Hibbing Procurement Act.

Over those years, the populus discovered other uses for the O’s descendants, who developed into their distinct designation called House O’s. Unscrupulous individuals elected lawmakers who supported extension after extension, even installing loopholes, such as permitting Wild Pack Alphas to accept payments under the table from those on the fringes for O’s the government deemed unsuitable for breeding, creating an underground network of sellers called The Dealers.

And who would complain if some O’s slated for legitimate sales accidentally slipped through and sold for exorbitant prices on the underground market?

John knocked on the steel door in a predetermined code. As it slowly rolled open, he glanced at his almost grown pups, thankful they’d taken a dose of rut suppressants earlier because the air was thick with ready-to-breed O scent.

Walking into the building, the younger Winchesters automatically fall back on their training, checking their surroundings for potential danger. John observes to his left buyers on cell phones circling like vultures eight steel cages displaying O’s clad in elaborate silver collars, high-end specimens selling for exorbitant prices.

The rest of the warehouse is an open space with multiple rows of O’s kneeling side by side, leashed to low railings anchored in the concrete floor. They wear color-coded leather collars denoting their monetary value.

“John Winchester, this is a surprise! To whom do I owe the honor of your presence?” The nasal voice of Everett Helms, a black-haired Beta, oozes the fake, cheerful demeanor of a used car salesman approached the trio. Hunters only dealt with Helms because he was reputed to be able to acquire anything they needed..for a price. John had hoped to avoid him, but after eight days of unsuccessful procurement at other facilities, The Dealer was his last option.

Helms held out his hand, and John felt bile rising, not wanting to touch him when a poorly timed footfall caught his attention. “These must be your pups. My, my my, delicious, aren’t they!” Helms remarks as his eyes rove over Dean and then settle on the youngest Winchester calculatingly when a loud, menacing growl fills the air.

Dean's eyes began glowing red, daring the ogling Dealer to make a move on his ever-growing little brother. He felt Sam huddle closer to his back and release his calming pheromone as, judging from their father’s posturing, John was about to tear into Sam for attracting attention after specifically instructing him to stay invisible. Sam quickly averted his gaze down through his shaggy bangs, glaring at his oversized, sneaker-clad feet, again wishing he wasn’t so fucking clumsy with this growth spurt.

Helms turned back to John, acting as if nothing had occurred. “I hear your oldest got himself in a peck of trouble, and he needs an O to stay out of prison. Well, John, may I call you John? You’ve come to the right place. As you can see,” he waved a hand over his domain, “I can supply any type of O an Alpha could wish for.”

Part I

SPN TAGS: @donnaintx  @lyarr24  @flamencodiva  @lassie-bird @nancymcl @spnbaby-67  @leigh70

Sam/Jared:  @idreamofplaid

Dean/Jensen:  @thoughts-and-funnies  @stoneyggirl2  @beabutterfly987 @smoothdogsgirl

WF: @slamminmine

[iplaywithstring]

Friends, it is ME/CFS awareness month, and I'd appreciate if you watch this Ted talk.

My symptoms first started in 2010, and have ranged from mild to moderate. I've gotten very good at appearing to be healthy, but there have been times in the last 14 years when my symptoms have made it difficult for me to drive, walk, or even speak. I have physical issues (pain, weakness, digestive symptoms), cognitive issues (brain fog, memory and language difficulties) and autonomic issues (temperature regulation, orthoststic intolerance) - just to name a few of the multitude of symptoms people with ME/CFS live with.

I am lucky - I've been able to go to school and to work while managing my symptoms. Over the last decade I have gotten pretty good at managing my activity to keep from crashing, but that does not mean I am well. Just like many other chronic illnesses there are so many factors that can affect how I am feeling and many are beyond my control.

Living with this illness means I do not always get to do the things I would like to do - even if it's fun, important, or seems easy from the perspective of others. Something as simple as standing in a lineup can make me feel ill, and on other days have no effect at all.

There are a lot of people who have had covid 19 and now fit the diagnostic criteria for ME/CFS. A lot of these people will be told they are faking, exaggerating, or being lazy. Unfortunately, sometimes people get sick and do not recover. Sometimes there aren't any clear answers or effective treatments. Having people who show understanding and compassion can make a world of difference, and that starts with education about what having this illness can mean.

[mariacallous]

Russia has had significantly more women than men for decades. The country’s 2020 census found that women and girls made up about 54 percent of Russia’s population, while men made up about 46 percent. Since February 2022, this gender gap has almost certainly become even more pronounced, as more than 120,000 Russian men have been killed in the war against Ukraine. Journalists from the independent outlet Cherta Media spoke to demographers and sociologists about why Russia has had such a gender imbalance for so long — and how the invasion of Ukraine is affecting the situation. Meduza shares an abridged translation of their report.

Worldwide, about 105 boys are born for every 100 girls. At the same time, early childhood mortality is higher among boys than among girls. As a result, even with the small “head start” for boys, the ratio of boys to girls (and later men to women) within each generation becomes smaller over time, and by a certain age, the number of women in a given age cohort typically surpasses the number of men. But while in Japan, for example, this happens at about 56 years old, in Russia it happens at around 30.

Life expectancy is lower for men than for women in nearly every country in the world. In some countries, however, this difference is merely three or four years, while in others, it can reach 10 years or more. The latter scenario is especially common for post-Soviet countries.

In 2022, Russia became the country with the largest difference between the life expectancies of men and women: on average, men live nearly 11 years less. The result is a population gap of about 10 million: 68.4 million men vs. 78.8 million women. And the war only promises to exacerbate the disparity.

Why are there fewer men than women in Russia?

While it’s commonly believed that Russia’s gender imbalance stems directly from the turmoil of the early 20th century (when it experienced the Russian Civil War, the world wars, and the mass repressions of the 1930s), these events don’t explain why the gap persists, according to demographer Alexey Raksha. This is because while a majority of the people dying in them were men, the youngest surviving participants are currently over 95 years old. In the second half of the last century, meanwhile, there were no wars that significantly impacted the country’s demographic situation; even the Afghan War and the Chechen Wars killed a relatively small portion of Russia’s population.

In fact, the current imbalance is due to the high rate of male deaths due to everyday causes, such as murders, suicides, car crashes, and other fatal accidents. Male mortality from chronic diseases is also exceptionally high, and many Russian men lead lifestyles that accelerate the progression of these diseases, Raksha says. The death rate from cardiovascular diseases among men aged 16–59, for example, is 3.1 times higher than among women of the same age.

“One major factor here is toxic masculinity — a kind of male behavior that’s prevalent in certain countries, including Russia,” sociologist Irina Tartakovskaya tells Cherta. “Men in these countries often pay less attention to their health because it doesn’t fit their idea of a ‘real man,’ the idea that one should be strong and ignore any ailment they’re suffering from. This model leads to risky behavior among men: involvement in criminal activity, aggressive driving, and, as a result, car accidents — all of which increase male mortality.”

But the biggest reason for the high mortality rate among men is alcohol abuse. “Every year, at least 150,000–200,000 people die in Russia due to alcohol, and about 80 percent of them are men,” Raksha says. “Alcohol leads to the development of various fatal illnesses, from liver cirrhosis to cardiovascular diseases, and often triggers external causes of death as well. For example, a majority of murders are committed under the influence of alcohol.” He notes that Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev’s anti-alcoholism campaign in the 1980s led to a 3.5-year increase in male life expectancy.

“From 2006 to 2018, the consumption of life-threatening beverages decreased as people began switching to ‘lighter’ alcohol,” Raksha explains. “However, the situation changed drastically due to the ‘vodka lobby.’ In the 2010s, [the authorities] ‘cracked down’ on beer and other low-alcohol drinks, imposing new customs duties and increasing excise taxes on them but not on stronger beverages. By the start of 2024, the situation had become even worse: the full force of excise taxes and duties, along with further legal restrictions, had hit wine, beer, and low-alcohol beverages the hardest, while duties on cheap imported liquor didn’t just remain the same but were lowered. As a result, people gradually started returning to stronger drinks like domestic whiskey, which inevitably leads to an increase in mortality.”

The high prevalence in Russia of alcoholism and tobacco use — another major contributor to the high male mortality rate — is attributable to the country’s social conditions, Tartakovskaya says. According to her, most Russians have few opportunities for social mobility or maintaining a high quality of life, which leads them to engage in destructive behaviors to cope with the stress.

What role does the Soviet past play?

In the 1960s, male mortality began rising in all socialist countries, while female mortality, if it increased at all, rose at a much lower rate. The mortality gap widened, and this trend has persisted ever since. According to a British study from 1996, the difference between mortality rates in Eastern Europe and those in Western Europe was primarily a result of differing behavioral patterns: neglecting one’s personal health, as well as alcohol and tobacco addiction, were particularly common among men in socialist bloc countries.

Analysts from the think tank To Be Precise have identified several factors that they say likely contributed to the higher levels of destructive behaviors in these countries. These include:

Ideological norms that prioritized societal interests over individual well-being and promoted the idea that “life should include an element of heroism”;

A higher share of the population doing hazardous jobs or working in facilities with unhealthy conditions;

The media’s promotion of the ideal man as someone strong who never complains.

“Ideas about masculinity differed between socialist and capitalist countries. In capitalist societies, men could assert themselves by starting businesses, building careers, and making profits. Someone with these aspirations would take care of his health, as it was an important tool for his success,” Tartakovskaya says. “But there was no equivalent in socialist societies. The pursuit of personal success and good earnings was frowned upon as ‘careerism’ and seen as a denial of societal norms and values. This meant that men could assert themselves only through service to the state, often at the expense of their health.”

These, along with other societal patterns with roots in the Soviet period, have been “absorbed” into the cultures and lifestyles of people in former socialist countries and continue to affect them today: in almost all such countries, men live significantly shorter lives than women. Overcoming these patterns will be a long and difficult process, according to an analyst from To Be Precise: “Behavioral models aren’t easily changed, and 30–40 years is a short period for this kind of shift.”

The social effects of gender gaps

Large gender imbalances can lead to a range of problems in modern societies, according to Tartakovskaya. “When there’s a shortage of brides and numerous young men unable to start families, it typically generates social tension and widespread frustration. [Among other things,] it often gives rise to incel [“involuntary celibate”] movements,” she explains.

On the other hand, a shortage of men creates its own set of problems. In traditional societies, according to Tartakovskaya, it leads to a labor shortage and a subordinate role for women, who are forced to compete for men’s attention and the chance to have a family. “When there were too few men, many women would remain unmarried [and] would be treated with contempt and scorn,” she says.

While contemporary Russian society generally puts much less social pressure on women to start families, Tartakovskaya says, the demographic imbalance still poses major challenges for them. “No matter how modern our world becomes, traditional systems continue to shape us and our understanding of it. Girls are taught from a young age in [Russian] society that they’ll have to fight for men’s attention and compete with other women for this ‘limited resource.’ This leads to increased anxiety and other mental health issues among women, while at the societal level, it hinders cooperation and solidarity,” she says.

These problems are exacerbated when state propaganda supports the idea of traditionalism, as has happened in Russia in recent years. Moreover, Russia’s economy continues to operate within a patriarchal framework: many jobs are simply unavailable to women. Given the shortage of men, this results in a labor deficit.

Another issue tied to the shortage of men and their early deaths is the large number of single mothers in Russia. About 40 percent of all families with children in the country have single mothers, and while society no longer stigmatizes them the way it once did, they remain an especially vulnerable group, tasked with supporting both themselves and their children while often struggling to find stable employment.

“The government is forced to spend substantial amounts of money on their support, but in most cases, it’s unable to protect these women or compensate for the loss of breadwinners,” an analyst from To Be Precise explains. “There are various benefits and support programs [for single mothers], but the level of assistance they provide isn’t enough for a family supported by a single woman to lead a decent life.”

The impact of the war

Around 2006, the gap between Russia’s life expectancy and those in developed countries began narrowing, and the difference between men’s and women’s life expectancies began decreasing, according to Alexey Raksha. By early 2020, Russia’s gender gap had fallen to just under 10 years. The situation worsened somewhat with the COVID-19 pandemic, which Russia responded to less effectively than most Western countries. Then the Kremlin launched its full-scale war against Ukraine. Today, Russia’s life expectancy is lower than it was in 2018–2019, and the gap between male and female mortality has widened to nearly 11 years.

About 2–3 percent of Russia’s male population is involved in the war. But because the average age of these men is 35, their “reproductive value” is much higher than the 2–3 percent figure suggests, according to Raksha: if it weren’t for the war, many of these men would likely be starting families.

“The special military operation has a significant impact on the life strategies even of families and individuals not directly involved in the conflict,” Raksha says. “Some of them decide to leave the country, while others are postponing their reproductive plans due to a sense of instability. As a result, fewer children, including boys, are being born.”

At the same time, according to market reports, alcohol sales in Russia have surged in recent years, which suggests consumption has too, Tartokovskaya says. This could result in additional premature deaths in the years to come, particularly among men. Like the war, alcohol causes deaths primarily among the young. Meanwhile, Raksha predicts the situation will only increase in the near future: “Alcohol consumption and alcohol-related mortality could very well rise among soldiers returning from the front lines,” he says.

The war and the loss of young, working-age Russians is already creating a labor shortage, according to Tartokovskaya. How the government might address this issue is unclear; in Raksha’s view, labor migration is unlikely to be a viable solution.

“Bringing in a large number of migrants is politically disadvantageous for the state: an excess of migrants can spark xenophobia and fuel local resentment. Moreover, migrants are increasingly reluctant to come to Russia: it’s becoming unsafe for them, and salaries in rubles are becoming less competitive in the international labor market due to difficulties with currency transfers and unpredictable exchange rate fluctuations, even though [these salaries] have been increasing markedly,” Raksha says.

At the same time, Russia’s increased male mortality rate may put additional strain on the government’s social policies, according to analysts from To Be Precise: “High male mortality could lead to an increase in widows and single mothers, and if the state fails to act and provide support, this could bring a rise in poverty.”

[r4v3nr0s3]

HELLO!

SEPTEMBER 22 is my B-day, I am trying to get my completed series THE EMERALD FORMULA, published.

So I’ve started a GoFundMe! Please check out my story below and if you could like, share, or donate it would mean everything to me.

LEARN MORE BELOW

I'm Raven Rose a queer, Latino, chronically ill, and disabled author and artist. Welcome to my journey as I get ready to be on my own for the first time in 15 years, go back to school, try to get on federal disability in the United States, and get my first novel published. September 22 is my Birthday month so if anyone is feeling extra festive, in lieu of gifts, I'd appreciate help here!

I’m restarting from scratch after a near decade of health problems, and despite great efforts to re-etner the workplace, 6 months time doing what I used to love, put me back in the hospital. For more about me visit my web page !

My lifelong dream has been to become a writer, but I can't do it alone. You can help me reach my goals and achieve my wildest dreams, and I could not be more grateful! Please do whatever you can do - like, share, and/or donate. I'm finally investing in myself and I believe my ideas and this story deserve investment too, so that's why I'm asking for your help.

Now for the goods!

THE EMERALD FORMULA is a series I've been working on close to 20 years.

The Working BLURB for novel 1 is as follows:

Renata Salcedo has never made a wave in her life. In the last few years though, she's broken up with her long term boyfriend, moved into her own place, and was diligently working towards the career of her dreams: a spot at the Smithsonian.

Fine... Adrenaline Junkie, Renata was not. She learned to stay small and figured out how to move quietly enough to stay unnoticed and survive. But it wasn't like she was unsuccessful. Her carefully planned path of baby steps lead her to exactly where she wanted to be: living her boring life and people leaving her alone to do her job. If anything, the job provided her all the excitement she needed. Unearthing old civilizations? Cataloguing the past through objects and art? Thrilling stuff! All done from the safety atop of an orthopedic pillow from behind a desk.

There was only one teensy problem with Renata's goals.

An entire world she knew nothing about existed right under her nose, and it's going to disrupt her boring little life whether she's planned for it or not. And really she can't complain too much, as it all starts with one of her absolute, most favorite things...

A Book

(Story EXCERPT at the bottom too)

REALM OF MATTER is the first novel in a complete 3-Book series called THE EMERALD FORMULA. At this point, the series needs refinement and editing, so both developmental and line editing. Funds will go towards paying the editors. Whatever is left over will go towards my publishing goals, and my intent to get an art degree and start doing marketing and making book covers. The three mock ups below were all created by me in Vector and Photoshop.

This Epic tale is a paranormal adventure with elements or horror, humor, fantasy, and an underlying slow burn human/humanoid monster romance. It features a diverse cast of human characters who break the mold of the Hero's Journey, and reject its sanctity all-together.

Its universe is heavily based on the History of science, magic, and folklore, focusing mainly on Pagan and Catholic mythology to give this Hero's journey a darkly poignant and comedic edge that digs in and punches up. The magical system is highly elemental, and dives deep into Alchemical and Spiritual theory from thousands of years ago. All of the artwork you see was done by me, a self taught artist (thought I'd like to go back to school next year).

I created my own language and phonetics system, also an alphabet.

All so I could make these transmutation circles based on sacred geometry.

YOU CAN READ CHAPTER 1 HERE

THE EMERAD FORMULA: REALM OF MATTER is a snarky thriller that features a bunch of traumatized, relatable saps often thrust into magical and extraordinary circumstances with not much but found family and magic on their side. But if they can't find hope in a hopeless situation against the ultimate evil, no one can. If you vibe with sacrilege, and enjoy flawed, funny characters, family antics, awkward slow burn romances, complex but accessible lore, legacy heroes, ancient monsters, chaos, magic, and mayhem? You've found the series for you.

Please do whatever is accessible to you: liking, sharing, and donating are all extremely important to make this project a reality. This means a lot to me and I greatly appreciate your support.

Thank you for your time,

Raven Rose

[heyitsmemel]

Just sad musings tw chronic illness / irl sickness (plz no reblogging)

Ngl, the last two months of my life have been so incredibly difficult and I just... idk I feel like screaming into the void. About to move back to my birth country after two years of living in Spain which has felt more like home to me than anywhere else. No idea what will happen next or if I'll be back here, but my long term partner wants to go back to our birth country like its no big fucking deal and I just feel.... like we're at a crossroads. My heart is breaking at losing my house, this country, this city. I will always be a foreigner in Spain but now I feel equally foreign to my birth country. The buildings are too tall, the culture so much cooler, more rigid, more seriousness, more grind till you drop and its just like????? FUCK I'm basically forced against my will to go back because I physically cannot work a regular job any longer so no more work visa for me. Chronic migraines all the time, no matter what I do. I put in WORK man to help my body, to love her, to nurture her, but it never seems to be enough, and instead it feels like my body is disintegrating at 25 years old. Had strep throat two weeks ago and missed an entire trip to Budapest and now I am sick AGAIN my fever is as high as the temperature outside, migraines are migraining and I just !!!!! FUCK WHAT MORE CAN I DO? I want to slip into a new body, a comfortable looking one and live my god damn life. Trying to use my disability and a decade worth of physical suffering as a means for expansion and growth and awakening but it. just. feels. so. fucking. devastating. at. times. like. these. It really feels I exited the womb into a baptism of fire. Also it’s so much fun to be moving continents like this in 3 days truly I do reccomend it :):):)

[beeseverywhen]

Another week, another phantom menace for Rishi Sunak. The people he is talking about, regarding his benefit reforms, do not exist. The 1.35 million people who could work but just don’t want to, who have a label of depression or anxiety but are just a little bit sad, who could have their benefits replaced by vouchers and find that incentivising: these people do not exist.

People are not signed off work because we are all a little bit more comfortable talking about our moods. People are not on disability benefits because Prince Harry did a podcast. We don’t have a “sicknote culture” because it’s too easy to get a sicknote. The pressure on GPs will not be lifted by parcelling out sicknotes to private contractors. Those with depression and anxiety severe enough to claim a personal independence payment (Pip) are catastrophically unwell. If numbers have surged over the past 14 years, which they have, it is because Conservative governments make you catastrophically unwell.

Pushback on this new narrative of cruelty has so far been pathetic: at the most, you might hear a minister challenged on the scarcity of NHS mental health provision. All that is true: child and adolescent mental health services in particular are now so poor as to be almost nonexistent. There are areas of the country where a child can wait so long for help that by the time it arrives, four years later, they are no longer a child. In a grim, idiotic irony that is the trademark of a government that marries callousness to incompetence, the more severe your illness, the more labyrinthine and inaccessible the treatment: hospital trusts might meet the referral targets for psychotic episodes, but most then fail to meet the standard for providing treatment. Waiting times for severe mental illness besides psychosis aren’t recorded and people describe it as endless limbo.

But the problem starts further up the pipeline: our mental health is worse because our general health is worse. “Britain is objectively sicker than it was a decade ago,” the epidemiologist Michael Marmot wrote in January. Poverty is driving down life expectancy and driving up infant mortality – and, along the way, it’s destroying people’s sanity. Being chronically hungry – as the UN rapporteur noted in November, with some horror, that many people are in Britain – harms your state of mind, as does not being able to feed your children.

Debt, precarious housing, low wages, punitive benefit sanctions – any one of these factors might reasonably cause a person to fear for their existence. Successive Conservative governments have driven a large number of people to despair and now they want to engage us in a conversation about snowflakes. We shouldn’t dignify it.

If the premise is built on an untruth, it is not surprising that no single point is true, either. Mel Stride, the work and pensions secretary, is calling these ideas the “biggest welfare reforms in a generation”, but 14 years is much less than a generation and, in this time, welfare has been reformed significantly. Universal credit, introduced 11 years ago, was never benchmarked to a meaningful assessment of need, with the result that 90% of households claiming it, as of last summer, are unable to afford the essentials.

If that was the intention – to move low-income families on to the breadline – that is hands down the most successful reform the Tories have enacted. Pip, the benefit these reforms are coming for, was itself a reform of the disability living allowance. It is known for assessment criteria so harsh and nonsensical that, if anxiety isn’t one of your symptoms at the start of it, it generally is by the end.

The whole wheeze is underpinned by the fact that Sunak doesn’t have time to make meaningful changes to anything. Maybe he thinks he is laying a trap for Labour. Maybe he thinks the injection of fresh cruelty will boost his support in the local elections. If there is anything more disgusting than the sight of a half-billionaire rolling up his sleeves for a “benefits crackdown” in the middle of a cost of living crisis, the realities of which he wouldn’t be able to imagine even if it occurred to him to try, I can’t think of it.

[bisexualseraphim]

15 questions

Tagged by the lovely @butmakeitgayblog cheers love ☺️

Were you named after anyone?

Nope! My mum just liked the meaning of my birth name and had an interest in name meanings. All my new names (yes I have several) have just been because I thought they sounded cool.

Do you have kids?

HA! No. And definitely never will. I’d be the worst dad 🥴

When was the last time you cried?

Yesterday lol, I started my first ever proper job and was shitting myself with anxiety. It went well though!

What sports have you played/do you play?

I was a dodgeball champion in primary school before I got chronically ill! Played a bit of football too (real football not that poundshop rugby Americans play 😒) and I do miss it a little but not much to be done about it I suppose. I had fun while it lasted!

Do you use sarcasm?

Nah I’ve been around over 2 decades and have never been sarcastic in my life

First thing you notice about people?

This sounds faggy as fuck but their smile 😅 Where I live people are so miserable that when someone has a lovely smile it’s so noticeable to me haha

Scary movies or happy endings?

Ooh cheeky question! I looove horror movies and they’ve been a huge special interest of mine since I was probably too young to be watching them 🤭 BUT I do love a happy ending IF it feels earned. So I guess it depends! But scary movies overall I think.

What are your hobbies?

Reading, writing, playing instruments, video games, watching movies, just chatting with friends.

What is your eye colour?

Fuck knows genuinely, I had a friend whom after years of knowing me one day suddenly screamed OH MY GOD YOUR EYES ARE BLUE WHAT THE FUCK on a sunny day so. Call me Alycia Debnam Carey cos my eye colour changes with the weather apparently 🧿🧿

Any talents?

Ummm I mean I guess I technically class as a multi-instrumentalist but I don’t think I’m that great at any of them 😅 The one thing I know for certain I’m good at is writing but I hardly bloody do it 🥴

Where were you born?

I have dual citizenship because I was born outside the EU and that’s all I’ll say 😌

Do you have any pets?

I did have a lovely sweet kitty whom I had since I was little and she was a kitten, meaning we literally grew up together, but she sadly passed away in January and it’s hit me harder than anything else in my life 😞 I think I’m finally ready to accept another baby into my life though so we’ll see if that works out!

How tall are you?

Just under 5’7 when the weight of being a trans disabled queer man in the UK isn’t compressing my spine

Favourite subject in school?

Definitely Film Studies and Media Studies! I also loved French (still do!) and Religious Studies was the highlight of my day because my teacher was a fuckin legend. Miss that fella every day honestly

Dream job?

I want to be a published author that has a semi-decent fanbase. I don’t need to be on Neil Gaiman levels of fame, I just want more than like 20 people to read and enjoy my stories 😊

I’ll go ahead and tag @lexa-griffins @dysphoria-things @northern-punk-lad @sadiewayne @reallygroovyninja @dreamsaremywords and anyone else who’d like to do it! Just make sure you tag me 😘

[stillwinterair]

Howdy kids

My name is Dee! It's not the name I went by for most of my years on Tumblr, but it's the one everyone knows me as. You might remember my url as nyriad, visovari... I went by a bunch of others too, but those are the only two I seem to remember now 😅

The last time I was on Tumblr, I was in the middle of a very difficult period of my life that I didn't really have the tools or support to navigate. But sometimes you gotta go a lil wacky and make some fresh new regrets so you can grow up a lil bit wiser and sexier

I quit the internet pretty much cold turkey for a while and it was one of the best things I ever did for myself. I spent a year pretty much focusing on nothing but my immediate surroundings, living in my own skin, learning how to love myself. I've gotten a lot more comfortable being myself, and have grown a lot more connected to the earth.

In my time away, I was diagnosed with ADHD, which even just the diagnosis has significantly improved almost every facet of my life. I've gotten so many new tools and so much new language to express myself and my needs. I've stopped feeling like there is something wrong with me and let go of a lot of shame that I held around myself, my work flow, my ability to focus, my needs for rest, etc. As I've met more people with ADHD, I've grown a lot more empowered and confident. I'm still figuring out what medication works for me (Adderall and Concerta are hell incarnate; Ritalin and Vyvanse are the bee's knees). It's been revolutionary and healing, honestly. Reading the book "Driven to Distraction" was an important first step that I recommend to everyone who's ever thought they might have ADHD, or if you were like me, always felt stupid and slow and always wondered why you never could quite get around to doing all the things you want to do.

I am also currently pursuing a diagnosis for Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, as per my doctor's suggestion. I won't get into it too much here, but it is a chronic illness that has made the last year pretty difficult. I have a lot of severe chronic joint pain and lethargy, and it's been... a lot. I'm starting physical therapy soon. This part isn't fun to talk about, but it's becoming an important part of my identity.

I've also met the love of my life, my soon-to-be fiancee, Nathalie! We were inseparable pretty much from the day we met, and spent a year as best friends. And then after that year the sexual tension became too much to handle, and now another year later, here we are, stupidly in love, utterly obsessed with each other, turning every single day into a fun, wacky, new adventure lmao. We've built the most beautiful, trusting, communicative, intimate relationship I've ever experienced and I am so filled with pride and joy and love and happiness every day. We're still best friends -- no force on this earth could ever get us to shut up when we're in the same room. She just fills me with butterflies and glee and light. Nat has this burning desire to create in whatever the most tactile medium she can find is. She loves mechanisms and fibers and all of the ways different materials interact with each other. She inspires me every day to be more open and honest and to pursue whatever creative venture has caught my interest, and I do the same for her. We dance together, create together, and share big emotions and life goals and it's just the most beautiful thing I've ever felt, and this paragraph could go on forever if I don't end it right now

I've also finally started to settle into my writing flow. I've got a space opera that's really beginning to take shape and I'm pretty proud of what it's turning into :) I also have a fantasy saga that's following a few steps behind. Both are things I've been working on for nearly a decade in fits and spurts, but I've done more work on them in the last year than in all previous years combined. I've gotten into more artistic mediums as well: oil painting, photography, beading, and so on. And very into fashion, kind of. Y'all should see my wardrobe these days -- bright colors, crazy patterns, wacky silhouettes. I feel like I finally look like myself. I'm currently rocking a purple mullet and a mustache, so... yeah, I'm having fun with it

I'm not sure how many of my old friends and mutuals are still hanging around, but I wanted to say hey, track a few of you down, and give a little update on how things are going for me post-Tumblr. I am alive, and I'm pretty happy these days. Some days I miss it here, and while I'll never come back in the same capacity as I used to, I wanted to reconnect with some of my old friends that I used to talk to and hang around with every day! I'm gonna poke around over the next while and see who's still around :) honestly I still think about some of y'all on the daily, and I got too curious about how my old friends were doing.

If you want to keep in touch, I'm on Instagram as deehollandaise. I'm on Discord much less often, but if you want to connect there, shoot me a message and I'll share the deets. Warning that I am just straight up not involved in any fandom stuff these days. It's just not for me anymore.

I will be retiring this blog in the new year, setting the whole dang thing to private and probably starting a new one with which to share some of my creative projects. I'll let y'all know about it before that happens.

I don't know, this is all kinda word vomit, I guess I just wanted to let all my old friends know that I'm still here and that I'm finally figuring myself out. I've got a lot to be proud of and grateful for and I've barely scratched the surface, so I'll leave off with some recent photos. Have a hot & sweaty 2024, you sexy things 😘

- Dee

[doelet444]

sui ideation tw | I absolutely don’t mean to be triggering if this may be sensitive for you, if so please skip this read.

These past 5 years have been very painful and things aren’t going to get better. I have been weighing in on if it’s really worth it, and it’s not, but I stay because I don’t want to hurt my mom and the few people left in my life. Living with schizo-affective bipolar, panic disorder, endometriosis, immunodeficiency, pots, chronic fatigue, gastroperesis, nerve damage throughout my body that has caused a multitude of problems, I’m worried I may have stomach cancer and am going in for an endoscopy in 5 days, have been in severe pain for months. The endometriosis and the cysts, the intense chest pains and heart attack scares from pots, my stomach issues, my psychiatric issues & psychosis, have all put me in the hospital multiple times and when I’m not in a crisis I’m rotting in bed. I went from being a physically very healthy kid to a 22 year old in a wheelchair so fast.

They always say “it gets better, don’t give up” there are ups and downs, but I have been suffering from panic attacks since I was little, depression began at age 9-10, I have been persistently struggling for more than half my life, circumstances progressively and rapidly worsening. People who say “it gets better” may have not been in a major depressive episode for 5, 10, years or even decades straight. I have been heavily medicated since i was 15 and I can say my depression is completely treatment resistant. I have tried every method under the sun aside from electroconvulsive therapy. It hasn’t gone away no matter what I’ve done, my illness is parasitically ingrained into my DNA, which is why I’m a bit of an antinatalist, anyway, My brain is fried and foggy from all the meds, I’m a zombie but utterly unstable and experience severe withdrawal without them (thanks big pharma)

It frustrates me when ppl say “they took the easy way out” or “they were a complete coward to do that” but a lot of people genuinely wait years deciding and weighing in all of their years of physical, emotional and psychological pain, logically knowing it will be like this for the rest of their life, and decide to free themselves of it all. I absolutely do not advocate for it, but I empathize so much and would never blame victims. Not everyone who commits is delusional-y impulsive and selfish about it as people try to make it out to be.

Having bipolar, even when I’m having stable day, I always have the guarantee that it will always become significantly worse and stability does not last. Knowing that often puts me in a persistent sense of dread and anxiety, I don’t feel that I can ever be at peace. it’s just how living with the illness is.

Living through this I’ve firmly come to believe one of two things, either god isn’t real, or if god exists, he is an incredibly cruel entity.

To be clear this isn’t me saying goodbye or anything, I just really, really wish I was gone. I’ll keep living until it’s my time but this is exhausting. Apologies for sounding so un-demure I’m just feeling like, actually really really bad lately.

[dr-hss]

Maryam Jameelah (Margret Marcus), born in New York to a Jewish family explored Judaism and other faiths, converted to Islam in 1961 and emigrated to Pakistan. She is an author of over thirty books on Islamic culture and history and a prominent female voice for Islam. Below is her letter that she wrote to her parents from Pakistan:

“Dear Mother and Father,

I have now been living in Pakistan for more than twenty years during which time you have acquired an entire additional family of loved-ones there, adding much to your happiness. You have reached a ripe age, thank God, living longer in good health than I had ever expected. You have read all my books and Islamic literature I have sent you with a broad and open mind. Therefore you need no introduction to the subject I wish to discuss with you now and nothing I have to say will seem strange and new to you.

I wonder if you realize fully how very fortunate you are. So long as you can keep in reasonable health and are able to take care of yourselves, you can continue to enjoy a pleasant life. But do you ever think of the tragic faith of those hundreds of thousands of other older Americans, the victims of chronic illness and infirmities, who crowd to over-flowing hospitals and nursing homes (which are really charnel houses), the old-age homes and the senile wards of mental institutions? And do you ever think of those still greater numbers of older people who are widowed and live their lonely lives confined to their dingy rooms in constant fear of muggings, physical attacks and robberies by juvenile delinquents who prey on the old and infirm with no remorse or fear of punishment? The maltreatment of older people is a direct result of the collapse of the home and extended family. Does your elder sister – my aunt Rosalyn, a great-grandmother lovingly sheltered in a close and adoring family and a happy home, ever think how lucky she is and how few of her advanced age in America are left like her?

You must know that society in which you were brought up and have lived all your life is in a state of rapid disintegration on the brink of collapse. Actually the decline in our civilization was evident as far back as World War I but at that time few people except some intellectuals and artists were aware of what was happening. But since the end of World War II and especially during the last two decades, the rot has reached such a stage of advanced decay that nobody can any longer ignore it.

The moral anarchy in the absence of any respected, fixed standards of behavior and conduct, the obsession with perverted sex over the entertainment media, the mistreatment of older people, the divorce rate which has climbed so high that among the new generation, an enduring, happy marriage is becoming rare, child abuse, the destruction of the natural environment, the prodigious waste of scarce and valuable resources, the epidemic of veneral diseases and mental disorders, drug addiction, alcoholism, suicides as leading cause of death, crime, vandalism, corruption in the government and contempt for the law in general – all of this has a cause.

The cause of this is the failure of secularism and materialism and the absence of absolute, transcendental theological and moral values. Deed does in the final analysis depend upon creed because if the intention is wrong, the work always suffers.

No doubt that it may bore you to read this. You will protest that if you are not theologians, philosophers or sociologists, then why bother about such “deep” matters when they do not seem to be of any direct concern to you? After all, you are happy and content living just as you are. You only wish to enjoy life right now, live entirely in the present and accept each day as it comes. If life is a journey, is it not foolhardy only to be concerned with pleasant and comfortable accommodations along the way and never to think about the journey’s end? Why were we born? What is the meaning and purpose of life, why must we die and what will happen to each of us after death?

Father you have told me more than once that you cannot accept any traditional religion because you are convinced that theology conflicts with modern science. Science and technology have indeed given us much information about the physical world, provided us with abundant comforts and conveniences, increased efficiency and discovered remedies for many diseases that used to be fatal. But science does not and cannot tell us about the meaning of life and death. Science tells us “how” but it never answers the question “why”?. Can science ever tell us what is right and what is wrong? What is good and what is evil? What is beautiful and what is ugly? And to whom are we accountable for what we do? Religion does.

Today America is in many ways a repetition of ancient Rome in the terminal stages of her decline and fall. Thinking people know that secularism has failed to be a sound foundation of our social order. They are anxiously searching in other directions for a solution to the crisis but do not know yet where to find it. This is not of concern only to a few sociologists. The disease of national disintegration directly affects you and me and each one of us.

During its most critical period, ancient Rome adopted Christianity as its salvation and henceforth the Church dominated Europe for more than a thousand years. This put an end to many of the worst social and moral evils of decadent Rome and greatly raised the moral and spiritual standards of the people. Unfortunately during the formative period of its history, the Church compromised with paganism and secularism, adopting an elaborate priesthood and incomprehensive theology which could not resist the impact of the renaissance, the revival of the natural sciences and the radical secularism of the French Revolution. While Christians in Europe and America have deserted their faith wholesale leaving the churches almost empty, the missionaries continue to represent the vanguard of western imperialism and exploitation in Asia and Africa.

After Christianity, the Jews comprise the second largest religious group in America who dominate politically, and economically, as well exercising considerable control over the media. But Judaism has always been parochial and tribal, seldom welcoming converts. It is not and has never been a universal faith. The Zionist movement which resulted in the establishment of the state of Israel, is the secular expression of Jewish nationalism and tribalism. The dreadful atrocities committed by the Israelis in occupied Palestine, the unprovoked aggression in Lebanon and adjacent areas and attempted genocide of the Palestine Arabs, depriving them of all human and political rights, is the logical result of this same narrow parochial outlook. This is the reason why even the most orthodox of the rabbis refuse to believe that Israel can do any wrong and uncritically support everything she does. These glaring moral and spiritual defects automatically disqualify Judaism as the faith of the future.

The Muslims comprise the third and fastest growing faith in America today. No longer is Islam confined to remote regions of the deserts and jungles of Asia and Africa. No longer is Islam foreign to the American scene. There are more than three million Muslims in America today and their numbers are increasing fast. There are thousands of students from all Muslim countries studying in American universities, and well-educated, highly-trained Muslims are busily at work in all professions. In the last two decades, hundreds of native-born American converts have swelled their ranks. At first most of the converts were black people who found in Islam, dignity, honor, self-respect and racial brotherhood as did Malcolm-X, but in recent years more and more white converts of European origin, searching for guidance in all the affairs of their formally chaotic lives, have also embraced Islam, making many sacrifices and enduring much hardships to do so. Few of them are fortunate as I am to have loving parent like you. Most of them suffer severe frictions with their non-Muslim parents and relatives. Today churches and synagogues are almost deserted but the newly-built mosques and Islamic centers, springing up in every important American city and town, are attracting rapidly growing numbers. Most of the new Muslims in America are young, intelligent and well-educated. What attracts so many young Americans to Islam?

Americans today, both young and old, are desperately searching for guidance. They know from bitter experience that the personal freedom and opportunities they as Americans enjoy are meaningless and self-destructive without reliable guidance, direction and purpose. Secularism and materialism are powerless to provide any positive or constructive moral values for Americans either individually or collectively. That is why after Christianity and Judaism have failed them, more and more people in America today are turning towards Islam. In Islam as new Muslims, they find a sane, healthy, clean and honest life. And for Muslims, everything does not come to an end at death. They look forward to an Eternity of bliss, peace and perfect happiness (in the Hereafter).

This Guidance found in the Holy Qur’an and the recorded words and deeds of the Holy Prophet Muhammad, upon whom be peace, is not only for foreign races in some far-away corner of the East, centuries ago. Here are to be found the solutions to all economic, social, moral and political problems which face us right here in the West today. Furthermore, Islam is not cold, remote and impersonal. Muslims have complete faith in a very personal God who not only created, sustains and rules the universe but also loves and deeply cares about the fate of each of us. The Holy Qur’an tells us that God is nearer to everyone of us than our jugular veins!

Since the Holy Qur’an is divine revelation, it cannot and will never be changed. Because it is perfect, it cannot be improved, revised or reformed. Since Muhammad, upon whom be peace, is the final Prophet, his guidance can never be superseded by any other. The Qur’an and Sunnah are addressed to all peoples, in every country of the West as well as the East. Since it is relevant for all times, in all places, it can never become obsolete or out-of-date.

You are both of very advanced age and there is so little time left. Yet it is not too late if you act now. If your decision is positive, your ties with your loved ones in Pakistan will not only be by blood but also in faith. You cannot only love them in this world but be all together with us forever in eternity.

If your decision is negative, I am very much afraid that your happy, comfortable and pleasant life will very shortly come to an end. As soon as the inevitable occurs, it is too late for remorse and regrets. The punishment will be u from which there is no refuge and no escape.

It is as your daughter who loves you and hopes to the end that you will be spared this fate. But the decision rests entirely with you. You have complete freedom to accept or reject: Your future depends upon the choice you make now.

All my love and best wishes.

Your devoted daughter,

(Maryam Jameelah).

..sam31aout24

[lomagiffing]

hi hi folks, this is a thank ou post for all the support with commissions as well as a update on my glasses' situation:

i did in fact went to the optometrist (which is covered by my insurance), and found out all the pain and itch I've been feeling is from an allergy. we don't know the cause of it (since it could be a variety of stuff), but I'm using three different meds for it, and they've been helping. the doc checked my degree and it barely went up, so she advised i waited to the end of treatment to make new glasses, if so needed, which is great news. on the downside, tho, i found out i have chronic migraines and had to go to a neurologist for it, he medicated me and things have been going well.

now you may ask me, if I'm not making my glasses now, what will use the money for, and the answer is a pretty short one: ill be saving it up.

normally i try to keep most details from my personal life away from this blog and focus solely on gifs, but honestly, i need to vent a little. my mom and i have been stuck with my abusive father for more than two decades now. she quit working when i was about five years and never managed to get back to it again, which led us to rely solely on his income. although he was never physically violent, he was mentally and emotionally abusive in more ways that i could probably put here. the last year, she planned to go back working and ask for divorce, as she finally found strength. but then she got news of her cancer, and we were forced to pull back. although she is now healed, she hasn't managed to get back to working, and although we imagined we could pull trough and remain we him sometime, a recent fight between them made things even more strained. he basically threatened to kick us out by december if she didn't behave (did whatever he wanted). my mom is very tired and so am i, unfortunately we can't pay for rent here in the city we live, so we'll most likely move close to her dad up north so he can help us out. the money I'm gathering will at least help with tickets and other basic stuff we might need to get there eventually.

i just wanted to thank for all the help, and let everyone know that you all mean a lot to me. once we get close to moving, ill make an update!! gifs and packs will come out normally <3

this is a smaller vent to say that ill probs have to break up with my boyfriend to move and i don't know how to cope with that yet.