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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

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Survey #370

“breakdowns, obscenities, it’s all i wanna be”

Do you have any bad habits you aren’t working on changing? If so, do you ever think you’ll try to break them? Downloading music, for one. I really should just start using Spotify... but my iPod has over 1k songs on it and I just seriously don't want to got through all the trouble. When was the last time someone surprised you with their reaction or behaviors? Hm. I dunno. What kinds of videos do you like to watch on YouTube, if any? I watch SO many different kinds. It used to be pretty strictly let's plays, but I've definitely expanded my watching interests. Now I'm really into watching educational reptile and tarantula husbandry and keeping channels, I watch one woman who is like my weight loss idol (Jordan Shrinks, she is amazing), there's a few vloggers, I enjoy some World of Warcraft channels, and then there's a couple urban exploration guys I like. I also occasionally watch some beauty YouTubers just for their personalities and the art of it. Have you ever reached out to a crisis center for mental health support? If so, how was the experience? Yes, but they were so busy that I didn't connect with anyone before I finally gave up and ODed. When was the last time you did something you were afraid to do, and how was the outcome? Ummmm I don't really know. What is one positive thing you believe about yourself? I care a lot about other people. What is something you have been through that has made you stronger? The breakup. It brought me to the lowest of lows, where every day was a struggle to survive. It taught me I can endure through almost anything, even if it doesn't feel like I can. Other than money, what is something you wish you had more of in your life? Happiness, contentment, being in love, motivation, energy, activities, travel... There's genuinely a lot. IIs there anything that you tend to ignore for the sake of your sanity? I'm very bad at ignoring things. If something is bothering me, it's going to put up a beastly fight to be at the forefront of my mind. What is something you wish was different about your family? I wish we were closer and better off monetarily. What keeps you going lately? The hope for a happy, satisfactory future. Have you ever been in an unconventional relationship (long distance, polyamorous, same gender, age gap, etc)? if so, what challenges did this relationship present, and were they worth overcoming? I've been in a long-distance relationship with another girl. I think the hardest part was that there was not being able to physically be there for each other when one of us was really struggling, and sometimes communication was an issue, not being able to read body language when we voice chatted or hear the tone in which we "spoke" when texting, though I'm pretty sure that's an issue with any online relations. I also feel it's difficult to really build and experience your chemistry with one another when you're not physically with the other person. I still think all these challenges were worth overcoming, though. I in no way regret the relationship and got only good things out of it. What is the most unhealthy relationship (whether friendship or romantic) you’ve ever had? What made it so unhealthy? Do you still talk to each other? I'm kinda torn between Jason and Colleen, but I think my bond with Jason was ultimately more unhealthy because it went beyond love: he was an obsession. Having him with me was the only thing that brought me joy, and I lit-er-a-lly could not imagine my future without him. Like that concept just didn't exist; it was entirely impossible in my head. On his end, he failed to communicate what he was going through emotionally, which only contributed to the damage. I never knew he was struggling because of me. Without realizing it, I put so much pressure on him to make me happy, so to answer the last question, no, we don't, by his decision - and I don't blame him. Have you ever been abusive in any way? Were you able to change or make amends, or, in general, what do you think people should do to make amends in that situation? A neverending battle I have with myself is if how I treated Jason after the breakup was qualifiable as emotional abuse, specifically with messaging him things like "thanks for sending me to the ER" and shit. My therapist reassures me that it wasn't abusive because I wasn't being deliberately manipulative, but rather genuinely hurt and convinced I had been wronged and wanted him to know and acknowledge it. She agrees that it was wrong, which I entirely agree with, but sometimes, I'm still convinced I was abusive. I fucking hate answering this question, so hurrying up: I don't know if he's forgiven me. As for how others could reconcile, that's not for me to say. I know sometimes the answer is to NOT make amends and completely stay away from their abuser. It's not my right to tell others how to cope with their abuse. Have you ever forgiven someone for being abusive or allowed someone toxic back into your life? Did this person change for the better or not? My former best friend Colleen was toxic as all fuck hell, and I let her back in way too many times. No, she never changed. I honesty doubt she ever will, given her pride. When was the last time you did something “meant” for children? Do you think it’s okay for adults to do these things (ie. watch cartoons, have stuffed animals, dress in cute clothing, etc), or do you think there’s an age beyond which it becomes unacceptable - and if so, why? Hmmm... I know this was semi-recent, but whatever it was is evading me at the moment. I personally have zero issue with adults engaging in activities like that; let people do what they enjoy if they're not harming anyone, especially things as innocent as dressing how they think is cute, etc. I would far rather people "act like children" (not emotionally, you know what I mean) than run around the streets selling drugs and shit. What was the last thing to “trigger” you (as in, in a true mental health sense, I’m being serious here) and how did you cope with it? What kinds of things do you tend to find triggering? What do you do either avoid or face your triggers? When I was riding to the sleep study section of the health plaza, where the hospital is, my anxiety spiked quite a bit, recalling all of my ER stays for being suicidal. It didn't help that the psych hospital I visited most is also in that whole jumble of buildings. I dealt with it by reminding myself I was in that area for a very different reason, and Mom reassured me that where I would be staying was more like a small hotel room than a hospital bed, which was true, so that helped. Regarding the next question, I'm not gonna lie to ya, I have a stupid amount of PTSD triggers: certain music, shows, fandoms, places, smells, even tastes of certain foods. I tend to stay away from my major triggers, but I'll *sometimes* fight the tiny ones, because I want that sense of ownership of myself back. If you’re diagnosed with anything, do you feel that it accurately represents what you’re experiencing? Yes. What are some minor physical discomforts that really bug you (eyelash in your eye, a wedgie, rumpled socks, etc)? I'm VERY sensitive to feeling anything in my nose, and it leads to me needing to blow it a lot. I also can't stand having holes in my socks, but since I wear flip flops essentially everywhere, I don't experience this much. Are you ever afraid to admit to liking something because you’re afraid other people will judge you for it? What is the worst that’s ever happened as a result of you liking something different from the crowd? What about the best thing that’s come as a result of a unique interest? Y E P!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nothing really bad has happened because of admitting my interests, other than hearing things along the lines of "I don't get it." It's very odd, just how horribly receptive I am to judgment about things I like when I don't recall a time where I was ridiculed for anything. But anyway, the best thing to happen from sharing interests for me is making a new friend that likes the same thing, and I will IMMEDIATELY be closer to you than most people I associate with once you've helped me past that vulnerable spot of mine. Have you ever remained good friends with an ex? Yeah. Do you have a negative view of mentally ill people, or are you mentally ill yourself? Do you ever call others crazy, insane, etc? Do you ever call yourself those things? I'm mentally ill and empathize heavily with those who suffer themselves. I absolutely do not have a negative look on mental health sufferers; we don't choose to be victims. I'm definitely not a big fan of abusing terms like "insane," because I've fucking been there, and it's not a term to take lightly. I've thrown 'em around before, but I try to avoid it. I don't call myself any of those things nowadays, but in the deepest trench of my depression and PTSD, I honest to God think I fit the definition of "insane." Does it bother you to have people comment on what you’re eating, or do you not care? What are some comments that would bother you, if any? Do you ever comment on what other people are eating or make assumptions about their intakes? YES. JUST DON'T FUCKING COMMENT. I get EXTREMELY self-conscious when my mom does this sometimes when I occasionally need a small snack to hold me out overnight, and I absolutely never will say something to someone else. It's just rude, imo. Well, I guess if someone was really destroying their health and I was close to them, I would out of concern and be very gentle, but when regarding most people? I'm keeping my thoughts to my damn self. Do you like Redbull? I've never tried it and don't want to. I'm not an energy drink fan. Who is the last person you spent money on? My mom. I remember I bought us fast food when we were out once. What are you looking forward to in the next 4 days? G U Y S!!!!!!!!! I GET MY TATTOO TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!! :'''') Also on the same day, I start my TMS therapy, which I have high hopes for. Have you ever gone a whole day without eating? No. Do you sometimes use your music player to help you fall asleep? No, but I did that for years back in middle school. Have you ever had a crush on someone “too young” for you? No. Do you shave your legs more than once a week? Haaaaaaaaa. If you could cuddle with anyone right now, who would you pick? I really wish I could cuddle my late pup Teddy again. :/ I was thinking about that recently. Are you tanned? God no. I never am. Do you try to wear dresses whenever you can? No. I wish I was in a shape where I was comfortable wearing spring dresses again... I had this floral skull one in high school that I adored. Are you wearing something that belongs to someone else? No. Have you ever been called a bitch? Yes. Did you like the person you last kissed when you kissed them? I loved her. Who did you have a meaningful conversation with last? Sara. Do you have feelings for someone? Yeah, but they're like... on a leash, you could say. I don't let 'em run free and wild, and I know that even if nothing comes of those feelings again, it's fine. Are you trying to avoid liking somebody at the moment? I think Jason will be this answer for a very long time, if not forever, given the trauma and all. I have to remind myself frequently that I love his memory, not him, because I don't even know him anymore. It's been YEARS since we spoke. Just like I've changed incredibly, I'm sure he has, too. If you saw life in black & white, would that be okay with you? I mean, it would suck, but it wouldn't be the end of the world. When you wake up in the middle of the night and can’t get back to sleep, what kinds of things are you likely to do? How often do you find you have trouble sleeping? I do exactly what you shouldn't do and get back on the laptop. I'd say I most often get on WoW and refresh the auctions I have up because that tends to tire me out because I do that shit manually to avoid any addon mishaps, and I have a looooot to put up as a gold farmer. What was the last lengthy packet you filled out? Something to see if I qualified for a sleep study. Are you a patient person? What is one way you have a lot of patience? What about not very much patience at all? I am NOT patient, at least regarding more trivial things, like sitting in waiting rooms. I do have patience though with other people with more serious things, like getting someone to open up to me. At what time during the day do you tend to feel your best? What about the worst? When I first wake up. It's a "fresh start" and it's nice to feel rested. Plus, I open a fresh can of cold soda as my "coffee" for lack of better word, haha. I'm in my worst mood probably late afternoon/early evening, by which time I am incredibly bored and just dulled down. What was the last thing you did that you wish you could take back or do differently? The last thing... I dunno. How frequently do you stay overnight somewhere that isn’t your own home? What things do you miss about home when you’re away? Do you tend to get homesick easily? Pretty much never. I do miss my room and its privacy when I'm away from home, but I wouldn't say I get homesick all that easily, so long as I have WiFi, haha. Do you tend to eat more in the beginning of the day or at night? Do you have a tendency to snack when you’re bored? If so, what kinds of snacks do you normally go for? Not necessarily the beginning of the day, but definitely more than at night. I am BAD about snacking when I'm extremely bored, but at the very least I'm conscious enough to try and find something semi-healthy, like granola bars, fruits, a scoop of peanut butter, but I also sometimes just eat like... a slice of bread or a tortilla. Horrible choice. I'm a carb fiend and I hate it. If you have any dietary restrictions, do you ever miss foods you can’t have? If not, what’s something you haven’t had for a long time that you wish you could eat again? I thankfully don't have any. I've been craving cheesecake like a madman lately. :< The spicy shrimp fritas from Olive Garden, too. Is there something you still can’t do even though you’re an adult or might be expected to do this thing? I don't have my license, and my driver's permit is even expired. I'm terrified of driving. I also don't have a job, and I can't cook. When was the last time you congratulated someone? Were you happy for them, indifferent, jealous? Uhhh I think someone on Facebook had a baby. Of course I was happy for them. What was the last milestone you reached in your life (graduating, buying a car, starting a family, etc)? What milestone are you going for next, if any? Um... I haven't reached a true milestone in years. Hell, I don't think since I started recovery from the breakup. Do you enjoy getting comments or messages? How likely are you to leave comments or messages for other people? Yeah, it makes me feel cared about. It really depends on the platform on how much I leave other people comments, and I'm extremely shy about messaging, but I'll do it sometimes. When are you most likely to scream (either out of fright, anger, or whatever)? Do you scream or yell often? When was the last time someone screamed at you (or in your presence)? Frustration, for sure. I've screamed into a pillow more than once. I definitely don't yell or especially scream often. I'm sure the last person to yell at me was Mom, but I don't remember about what. What would you say is your STRONGEST emotion? Maybe not the most frequent, but the most intense? And what emotion do you feel most weakly, even if you might feel it more often? I'd saaaay... maybe love. When I love something/someone, I love HARD. I think I experience joy the weakest; it's very muted for me. And lastly, what are you listening to? Is this a band you listen to a lot "The Heretic Anthem" by Slipknot. I wouldn't say I listen to them a lot, but I have been more than usual lately.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''the heretic anthem'' by slipknot

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ohimaginethat · 5 years

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When I Met You - E.N.

You’re in for a long ride with this one, ladies and gentlemen, so I’m gonna keep this short. I put my entire being into this and I’m incredibly of it. Thanks so much for requesting this, @addictwithaheavydirtycheetah! Happy reading, everyone! (Warning: You may want to have a box of tissues on deck.)

When I Met You (playlist)

When you met him, your life was in shambles. It was spiraling out of control and you thought there was no way of escaping it. You saw everything in shades of black and white. No matter where you looked, you couldn’t see the colors that once brought you so much joy. You tried everything---therapists, meditation, medication, but, to no avail, you were stuck in what seemed to be an endless circle of bland, lifeless days with no way out.

And then, one day, as if it were magic, your grey world sprang to life as your eyes met his. They were beautiful. A swirling mixture of blues, greens, and hazels that you’d never be able to erase from your memory. When he approached you from across the room, you were at a loss for words. Had he noticed your staring? What were you going to say? How should you act? The air was knocked out of your lungs as he finally stood before you. The way he looked at you... It was as if you were the only person in the world. Like you were all he could focus on; all he wanted to focus on.

You would give anything to relive that moment. When you first saw him. So you could cherish it; remember every detail. The lighting. His smile. How each hair on his head sprang every which way. His eyes. The freckle on the left side of his chin. Every painting that stood still around you as your head spun. You didn’t know how selfish you were. All because you never thought that it could end.

Two months… How has it already been two months? How has it only been two months? He was always there. Since the moment you met him, he was there to comfort you. To hold you. To love you. And then he was just gone. Torn away suddenly and there was nothing you could do about it. Your Ethan... He deserved so much more than this cruel world gave him. It was unfair. Everything about it. He should be here instead of you; that’s all you’re ever able to think. Who wouldn’t?

You absorbed every word he said that night. Something about him was so… Magnetic. You couldn’t help it. Your head was in the clouds on your way home. Was this love at first sight? Things like that didn’t happen, but for the first time in your life you were beginning to wonder if they did. You shook the thought out of your head. Surely he had someone. How could he not? He was the closest thing to perfection you’d ever come across.

You exchanged numbers and parted ways when the hosts were shooing everyone out of their event. You couldn’t decide if texting him would be a good idea or not---you didn’t want to annoy him. The last thing you needed was to scare him off before you really got to know him. The drive home was spent fighting an internal debate. Then, it happened. As you turned the key to your apartment, your phone lit up.

Even though he could never answer, you still sent messages to his phone sometimes. Called him just to hear him speak when it went to voicemail. It was therapeutic in some ways. In others, it was unhealthy to be so dependent on a disconnected phone number and you knew that. At least you weren’t off making stupid decisions.

Falling into the comfort of drugs, alcohol, and terrible coping habits that so many develop in this situation. It hurt, but if you were numb to that, you’d be numb to those warm feelings you got any time you would think of your happiest times together. How could you betray him like that? By destroying yourself, you knew it could tear up everything else you have left in your life. That was the last thing he would ever have wanted for you.

It wasn’t anything profound---just a simple “Hey, did you give me the right number?” kind of message. Of course you did. Why would you not? And that’s what you sent him back. He seemed surprised, which surprised you. You couldn’t wrap your head around how anyone could do that, especially to him. The number you were staring at as you stood in your hallway was marked as unknown. So, you change it. Ethan. What a nice name.

When you finally come to your senses, you realize just how terribly deep you are. Mere hours ago, you were standing exactly where you are now, absolutely dreading the art gallery your sister was dragging you to. So many unknown people you knew you’d never be able to talk to, pretending to enjoy each other’s company. Who wants that? And now, here you are. Falling in love with a near stranger.

Your door lock clicks as you close it behind you and there stood your sister before you, just as she did three years ago, ready to force you out of your funk. She knew it would take more to help you with this one for more reasons than one. She was sure to check in on you every day at least once a day and took you out twice a week. It was like you were some kind of pet she had an obligation to care for. You knew she was just trying to help and you didn’t have the heart to tell her that a video call and going out to lunch a couple times a week wouldn’t bring you out of whatever this was.

So, you stuck with it. Put on a smile for her sake and humored her. You knew it affected her, too. Losing him. That’s why you did it. This was her way of coping and trying to help you cope. They were partners in crime; allies from the very start. Allies with you as their enemy, of course, but you loved how close they were. It made you feel safe. Protected. Like when you were with them both, nothing could ever happen to you and you could take on the world in an instant.

Long texts turned into long phone calls as the two of you would talk through the night with no regard for the sun creeping up over the horizon. It made making it through the day without sleep difficult, but you always felt energized after you spoke. No matter what it was about. Your heart would skip a beat when your phone vibrated. Your eyes would light up as your screen did. Disappointment would seep into your mind anytime it wasn’t him. It was nonsense. You were good friends. That’s all. That’s all he thought of it as, you were sure. You were scared to push it any further. What if it ruined everything you’d worked so hard as a pair to build up? A platonic friendship. That’s all it could be and you needed to come to terms with that.

Sometimes you would talk about your favorite characters from The Office, some nights you would have in-depth discussions about music or your terrible love lives. Every now and again you would question the universe and have existential crises together. Those conversations were your favorite part of every day, no matter how much sleep it cost you. It was almost as if those words gave you what you needed to get through them. It was in those moments that you realized that with every word, you were falling in, deeper and deeper. There was nothing you could do to stop it. He held your heart in his hands and he had absolute no idea. It was terrifying, exciting, and absolutely invigorating.

The street flies by as you stare from the window of your sister’s car. You didn’t know where she was taking you this time. You didn’t really care. Spending time with someone you loved was enough to get you through. You count every sign as they pass, every curb you turn. A path you’d memorized long ago was painful to travel. Too many memories. Both good and bad. After he was gone, it felt like you would never be able to see it again. It was a heartbreak that could never be fixed, no matter how much time passed.

Your relationship progressed quickly. One moment, you were the best of friends and the next? The best of friends who just so happened to be moving in together. Into a small apartment on Cherry Street. On the last day of hauling boxes, Ethan pulled you away from all of the packing tape and bubble wrap. Took you to a little rocky beach nearby with a small blanket, bottle of wine, and his camera. He told you he wanted to celebrate such a huge moment in your relationship. Little did you know, it would be even bigger than you thought it could be.

Bright lights from the city and passing cars shone brightly on the water. As the sun set, it illuminated his face slightly and you could see your breath as it danced in front of you. Just enough so you could see the eyes that mesmerized you what felt like so long ago. The crooked smile that stole your heart the moment you laid eyes on him. Everything about him was anything you could ever want. Forever with him would be heaven to you.

You couldn’t quite say that you were expecting it. When he pulled the small, velvet box from his pocket, you were in absolute awe. It was the first time you found yourself believing that forever could be real. That, maybe just this once, everything would be okay. Perfection could only last so long. You knew that. Didn’t stop you from embracing it, though. From embracing him. There were no words to describe how much you loved him. Your heart was so full. So happy.

There have only been two times in your life where time stood still. That was one. The excitement in the air was palpable and it stayed like that for the whole month of September. Sharing the news with friends and family, preparing for the wedding, all of it. It was like nothing you’d ever experienced before. You never were one for planning, but he’d always been an exception to all that you previously believed about the world and yourself.

You look over at your sister as the car halts outside of a wrought iron gate. She reaches out and squeezes your hand with a tight smile. She knew just how much you needed this. Every single day you told her how much you wished he would just show up. Knock on your door and see his face one last time. That’s it. It was impossible. You were well aware, but it cut like a knife to think about. He always said that he wanted you to be his last first kiss, but you never imagined it would end the way it did.

All you wanted was to climb in and curl up next to him. Tell him everything would be alright—that you could make it better like he always did for you. But you couldn’t. You were stuck in the prison that was your mind as every piece of your shattered heart lowered into the ground with him. Nothing could ease the numbness settled in your chest. It was the perfect day outside. The sun was shining and the sky was blue. It taunted you. It was all wrong. It was three on a Monday. You should have been at home cuddling with Spencer. He should be holed up in his office doing what he loved for thousands of people who loved him. Just like always.

You looked over to see Amy holding Mark tightly as he fell apart. Tyler stood rigid next to the pair. Around you so many people were hurting just as much as you and, yet, you’d never felt more alone. As if the universe cheated only you just because it could. Ethan was a light, in the darkest of places to every single person he’d ever touched the hearts of, be it through his words or the internet. Especially you. And, suddenly that light was ripped away. Torn from your grasp and held just from your reach.

Everything you loved seemed to have no meaning anymore. The stars you once believed to be so beautiful were now dull because he would never see them again. You found yourself speaking to the moon at night, though. It seemed like a connection you could share with him. As if it were a long distance phone call he would never answer. There was too much left to be said. Too many ‘I love you’s to share. You still had the forever he promised you left, but forever was gone in an instant.

As you approached the yellowing patch of grass you knew so well, the ring that sat on your left hand weighed heavily. Today would have been the day. A day filled with secret smiles and pure happiness. The flowers at your feet would have been in your hand as you walked down the aisle dressed in white, ready to say ‘I do’ to the only man you’d ever truly loved. Instead, you would be drowning in your own tears and not because of sweet words from your would-have-been husband, as so many brides do. It may have been too soon, but you knew if you didn’t do it now, you never would. It was finally time to bid him farewell, no matter how much it hurt you. Nothing it felt right. As though you deserved more time to grieve and wallow in your own despair.

You spent the previous night with him, though. In a dream. The first you’d had since his passing. The two of you talked, just like you always would. Like nothing ever changed. As the sun rose in the real world, a beautiful dusty sunset illuminated his eyes. It was time to say goodbye to him and you weren’t ready, but you did it. You woke up crying and you knew. Saying goodbye didn’t mean letting go of him for forever. There was a part of your soul that would always belong to him and that was okay. You just couldn’t relive life through pictures anymore, no matter how much you wanted to. The thought of moving on terrified you. You’d never be able to find another love like you shared with Ethan. If your soulmate is gone, what does one do for the rest of their life? You didn’t want to be alone and you would be if you didn’t set him free.

He was so good to you. Made you laugh when you felt like crying Saw you through your hardest times. Supported you unconditionally. In every single thing that he did, he made your life better. You hoped he was somewhere beautiful. The kind of place that had perfect weather with just a sprinkling of snow every now and then to remind him of home. That he would save a place next to you for when the time comes. Until then it was best to just remember him as he was and hope he does the same for you.

There are so many things you can plan. A birth. A date. A wedding. A funeral. But never in a million years could you have prepared yourself for the life-long journey you were taken on when you met him...

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food-advisor · 4 years

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As an experienced stress Baker, I have never Felt much less Like Making Bread

In case you’re a millennial living through the coronavirus outbreak, possibilities are you’ve thought about making bread sooner or later inside the beyond few weeks.

And, as someone who loves to bake and were given into sourdough just a few months before it has become the pandemic carb of choice, you’d think I’d be overjoyed that my newfound hobby is now Cool. However no, I’m sorry to mention I'm just in no mood for this doughy bullshit right now.

I’ve been a strain baker for the reason that university, whilst I used to be first brought to the term with the aid of a roommate who baked the ugliest and maximum delicious chocolate chip cookies I’ve ever had. (She plated them too early so they all cooled into one gooey, chocolatey mountain. It became great.) starting with cupcakes—recall whilst cupcakes had been “in”?—I quickly learned that baking becomes a green manner to distract myself from the anxieties of the day, earn an experience of achievement, and emerge as with a delicious deal with all in one hobby.

Now not best changed into baking a manner for me to de-pressure, but it also has become a larger part of my identification and a brand new manner for me to connect to my buddies. I was a person who knew all of their favorite flavor mixtures and taken them cupcakes on their birthdays. I performed around with melting and, sure, tempering chocolate to make cookie decorations. I discovered that homemade pie crust, surprisingly, came quite effortlessly to me. On a college price range and without an electric mixer, I whipped cream by way of hand more than once.

After sampling a few friends’ homes made bread 12 months or so in the past, I found out that I used to be geared up to venture out of the world of candies. However, sourdough, as many human beings are now locating, is difficult—and rewarding—in an entirely exclusive manner. First off, it requires the use of a starter, that's a little microenvironment made from flour and water that permits yeast and micro organism to flourish. The aggregate of organisms is what helps the bread upward thrust and offers it that conventional tangy flavor. There's no shame in the use of some of a chum’s starter or asking a bakery for a chunk of theirs to get yours going, however, I determined to make my own. I wager I wanted a touch extra ownership of it? Truly, I suppose I wanted to be able to mention I did all of it myself.

Getting the starter going within the relax of an NYC October took a complete month of my life, but now my starter is a hearty little gal I’ve named Abigail. I’ve already given bits of Abigail out to a few other folks who are now baking delicious loaves (I assume; I can simplest enjoy them through Instagram now). My first loaves were now not quite, however they rose and that changed into thrilling enough. My next ones were consistently excellent and seem to get a little tangier with every try.

Did you know that freshly baked bread crackles while you take it out of the oven? I’m not positive why. I assume it has to do with the crust and matters expanding inside it. But whatever the purpose, it’s the maximum gratifying sound within the global after what is generally at the least a 24-hour sourdough-advent system. I might make myself wait for just long enough for the loaf to chill so that I should reduce into the middle of it, eager to get a have a look at the pattern of bubbles internal, after which show it off to my (now successfully long-distance) boyfriend within the other room earlier than we ate dinner together. I even talked to my therapist frequently approximately my sourdough adventures and as soon as showed him an image of a loaf I used to be mainly pleased with.

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All of this is to mention that pre-pandemic Sarah becomes living for sourdough and the long, sluggish demanding situations it delivered. The integration, resting, proofing, and baking processes are a touch distinctive for every loaf, and I thrived on the affected person experimentation, hassle-solving, and tinkering that sourdough calls for. My loaves have been by no means ideal and probably by no means maybe, however they had been usually delicious and worth the attempt. It was a reliable, meditative weekend task that took my thoughts off my Sunday (and, let’s be sincere, Saturday). Plus, baking bread introduced me to an adorable, specific community on Instagram—inclusive of a new live performance friend.

Considering all this, you’d suppose the #pandemicbread motion might have spoken without delay, particularly, loudly to me of everybody. However, the fact is that I haven’t baked bread of any type in weeks, and Abigail is sitting idly in my refrigerator. I want to bake—of course, I need to bake—but it simply isn’t occurring. The pressure I’m dealing with now could be special, manifestly, and it’s all-ingesting. This is not me being frightened about a final examination or a task at work—that is me looking for a way to cope, by some means, with the principles of our lives abruptly converting and the worry of humans I understand being hospitalized or demise. Sourdough simply can’t compete with the existential dread of residing via an actual, for-real pandemic.

But there are also the superficial blocks: whilst all I've is time, I'm able to stand the idea of spending a complete day making bread simplest for it to be not as proper as I want it to be. And the Instagrams, pricey God, the Instagrams! I will assist but compare my loaves to different humans’s—a few who simply began baking. The competition, completely fueled by me and my very own lame insecurities is simply inescapable.

What have I baked? I made some half of-hearted biscuits, sure. I made a few matzahs for Passover, which turned into, well, matzah. But I subsequently had to admit to myself that what I used to be virtually craving wasn’t a ~home made artisan sourdough boule~ but rather brownies. Greater fudge-y. From a box. Particularly, the ones my mom used to make. I’ve made and devoured complete bins thus far.

Sourdough and pressure baking may additionally have started as an unbiased, self-directed interest, however, I comprehend now how an awful lot I’ve come to depend upon it as a way to undoubtedly and authentically hook up with different humans. It’s so tacky I will barely carry myself to kind it, but it’s real: Baking for your self isn't half of as fun or enjoyable as baking with and for different humans. I love that stress baking offers me time to awareness some creative strength at something apart from work, however, I also love seeing the way my bakes in shape into different human beings’ lives because they invent area for me there too.

As first-rate as it becomes to spend all day baking bread, it turned into even nicer to peer the pleasure on my buddies’ faces once I introduced over a freshly baked loaf to go together with the excellent cheeses and wines they’d picked out for an evening of gossip, or to get a text from my boyfriend to mention that he was taking part in a slice of my bread along with his soup for lunch at work. Without the opportunity of these interactions, making bread doesn’t deliver me that experience of feat I crave. It simply jogs my memory of ways lonely and hopeless this moment sincerely feels.

If getting to know to make bread is a quarantine pastime that brings you joy, that is superb. Embrace it. Lean into it. Perhaps try making a starter of your very own! However, for now, I’m leaning inside the other path—toward nostalgia, simplicity, and comfort—and sticking with brownies. The fudgier, the better.

#bread #bread maker #food

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flightykickback · 5 years

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In celebration of RM’s birthday and in inspiration of him visiting Infinity Mirrors, I decided to finally publish my experience at the exhibits when they came to The Cleveland Museum of Art! It’s been a while, but I’ll do my best!

Enjoy! (⁄ ⁄^⁄ᗨ⁄^⁄ ⁄)

Leaving the house during this time was extremely difficult. It was August of 2018 and I was still seeing a therapist at that time. The number of emotions I had was overwhelming: disappointment with my life, lack of love and affection for myself, and an overall stagnant feeling when reflecting on what I considered to be minor accomplishments really weighed me down. So, I would stay at home. Work in the morning, return home in the evening, rarely leaving the house on the weekends. Friends would invite me out and I’d make-up excuses, sometimes I wouldn’t bother responding.

Dragging myself out of the house was an obstacle, so much so, that I would buy concert tickets and not appear. I remember the feeling I had when I woke up one day, knowing I had tickets for an event and feeling absolute dread, physical weakness-I just wanted to stay home.

This day was different. Closer to the date, my mind opposed going, but I had a desire to be among the stars! As luck would have it, I made it to The Cleveland Museum of Art (CMA) on time and was early for assigned entry. I had plenty of energy and I was so excited to be there. I had no idea what I was in for.

The full Infinity Mirrors exhibit was on the lower level of CMA, but right before the escalators was a special edition mirror as well as other infinity art installations that decorated the atrium. The first mirror was a good trial to learn the ropes. Guests could only walk-in when an associate opened the door, and they only had about a minute to experience the mirror until the associate escorted them out. This mirror, in particular, was mostly dark with faint lights shining through cut-out circles dotted along the walls. I remember feeling afraid for a brief moment before I realized it not just a dark box, I was seeing glimpses of stars at dusk. Before I knew it, my fantasy ended as the door opened and I was riding the escalators downward. It was just a taste of what was to come and I wanted more.

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Right before the main exhibit entrance was a short biography on Yayoi Kusama and an overview of the Infinity Mirrors. I am by no means a Kusama scholar, but I interpreted her art to emphasis her vision of self-obliteration, a means by which we can celebrate life by accepting that we are all a part of the same infinite space and to become one with it. It resonated with me, really setting the mood. Since my personality is more on the emotional side, I remember things by feeling, so that’s how I’ll describe my experience at each exhibit: Peace, curiosity, courage, joy, inspiration.

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I felt at peace in Phalli’s Field with a slight haze around me and each reflection of myself looking forward, unafraid of being alone (I could’ve stayed in there forever (︶ω︶)). Although I couldn’t see other exhibit goers, I could hear them talking outside the room, but I knew I was fine. Another part of my character is curiosity. Noticing that Kusama’s artwork played with themes of life an death really piqued my interest. As I visited The Souls of Millions of Light Years Away, (especially Aftermath of Obliteration of Eternity), gazed upon Kusama’s paintings and walked around the Obliteration Room, I started to insert myself into a broader picture: one that put me alongside each CMA guest, of each stranger I have passed or have yet to meet, of other people like myself that just needed to know they mattered. That gave me so much courage. Love Transformed into Dots gave me joy (it was so whimsical! (๑ˊ͈ ॢꇴ ˋ͈)〜♡॰ॱ), as well as smaller mirrors like Love Forever where you face another person experiencing what may be the same emotions as bright colors cascade across the mini chamber and dance across each other’s faces. I definitely left the exhibition inspired, and I told as many people as I could to see it before it traveled to the next city.

I’d have to say my favorite Mirrors was Aftermath of Obliteration of Eternity. It was a very dark room and the lights that descended from the ceiling would flicker like lit candles…until they flickered off. At this moment, life passed on to death while the traveler is in absolute darkness. But! The lights would slowly flicker back on which meant to me there is hope as life is created or, perhaps, as there may be life after death.

Yayoi Kusama’s Infinity Mirrors was such an amazing experience for someone suffering from depression to know that I’m not alone in this entire universe. If you’ve ever gone, let me know your feelings in the comments. If you ever get the chance to go, please do! It’s a once in a lifetime experience.

Bonus! (ﾉ^ヮ^)ﾉ*:・ﾟ✧

CMA campus is beautiful and particularly serene that day. I decided to bask in the exhibit afterglow by the water. In the background, you can hear church bells and someone playing the saxophone.

In celebration of RM's birthday, here's my long overdue experience at Infinity Mirrors! #HappyBirthdayRM #HappyBirthdayNamjoon #HappyJoonDay #OurJooniverse #WeLiveSoWeLoveRM In celebration of RM's birthday and in inspiration of him visiting Infinity Mirrors, I decided to finally publish my experience at the exhibits when they came to The Cleveland Museum of Art!

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mooneec · 6 years

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The Parentified Child: How It Contributes to a Depressed, Angry, and Resentful Adult

Were You a Parentified Child?

When you were a child, did your mom or dad turn to you for comfort and advice when they were struggling with problems at work, in their marriage, or with finances?

Did you share a special bond with that parent because you were their confidant and caretaker?

Did you forgo hanging out with friends, joining teams and clubs, and just being a kid because you were busy attending to your parent?

Do you now feel resentful because you missed out on a happy, carefree childhood?

If responding “yes” to these questions, you were a parentified child. As a result, you may be struggling in adulthood with sadness, anger, and depression. Don't give up hope, though, because recognizing the root of your problem gives you an opportunity to heal. You can find ways to make up for the joy you missed as a kid.

What Does It Mean to Be Parentified Child?

Parentification happens when a child switches roles with her mom, dad, or both, becoming the caretaker in the relationship. She may become this in an emotional way—listening to the parent's problems, giving them comfort, and offering advice. She may also do it in a physical way—cleaning the house, taking care of siblings, making meals, and even paying bills. Youngsters often become parentified when mom or dad is an alcoholic, a drug user, disabled, divorced, or mentally ill.

How I Became a Parentified Child at the Age of 12

My parents' marriage started to fall apart when I was 12. My mother suspected my father was having an affair with a woman at work. She and I would take hour-long walks every afternoon when she'd confide in me her worries, criticize my father, and even talk divorce. I'd listen intently, flattered she was trusting me with these grownup matters and offering what advice I could. Even though I was just a kid with little experience in relationships, she'd compliment my wisdom, saying I would make an excellent psychologist some day. Listening to her problems and giving counsel was how I got her attention and validation.

As a kid, I didn't think too much about this dynamic between my mother and me that lasted until I went off to college. I was just happy to spend time with her and be her confidant. It wasn't until I became a mother myself that I realized how horribly wrong it was to burden me with these adult issues, turning me against my father and making me cynical about marriage. I began to understand how she used me and robbed me of my childhood. I also learned that what she did wasn't that uncommon and actually has a name: parentification.

Parentification Can Cause Long-Term Problems Including Depression, Isolation, and Anger

Dads and moms who parentify a child often don't realize they're doing something incredibly harmful. My mother was going through a midlife crisis at the time she turned to me for comfort and support. She was unhappy in her job and feeling lonely because my dad was working long hours and traveling for business. When people at my dad's office began gossiping about an affair between him and a much younger subordinate, she was understandably embarrassed and upset. It tapped into her deepest insecurities as a woman and wife and caused her to think and act irrationally at times.

Instead of seeing a therapist or talking to a friend, she turned to me in her time of need. This proved to be a critical mistake, forever damaging the relationship between my father and me and leading to severe problems later in my life. After focusing on my mother's inner world for so many years, I felt unworthy of any attention being directed at me. I didn't know how to advocate for my own needs and desires. The consequences of being a parentified child finally caught up with me as an adult when I struggled with depression, isolation, and anger.

Bethany Webster deals specifically with mother-daughter relationships in "When Shame Feels Mothering: the Tragedy of Parentified Daughters." She writes, "A daughter is being exploited when her mother gives her adult roles, such as surrogate spouse, best friend or therapist...When a daughter is asked to be an emotional prop for her mother, she is unable to rely on her mother enough to get her own developmental needs met." As a result, the daughter can grow up to be an emotionally stunted adult with little self-confidence.

Depression

It's not unusual for a parentified child to become a depressed grownup. I struggled with extreme sadness most of my adult life, taking anti-depressants to numb the pain and going to therapy to get at the root of my heartache. My life transformed when an astute doctor gave me an aha moment, explaining that I had been parentified as a youngster and was suffering because of it. Until that moment, I had never heard of parentification. Having a name for what I experienced as a kid made me feel much better.

During the six years I acted as my mother's emotional caretaker, a tremendous burden was put on my shoulders even though I didn't realize it at the time. I dealt with adult issues that I didn't understand—marital infidelity, a midlife crisis, jealousy, insecurity, and rage. I worried my parents would divorce. I worried we'd have to sell our home and move away from the neighborhood I loved. I worried about our financial outlook and how we'd cope without our dad. I worried how my younger siblings would be affected. I worried about my mother's emotional stability and how I could make her feel better.

My decades-long battle with depression finally ended when I mourned the loss of the happy, carefree childhood I never knew. Kati Morton, a licensed marriage and family therapist, says the grieving process is key to healing. She says it includes acknowledging that what happened to us was not okay coupled with the motivation to move forward.

I started to nurture the little girl inside of me who didn't get the love and attention she craved. I began to enjoy some of the fun and frivolous activities I wanted to do as a kid but was never given the chance: going to a circus, roller-skating in the park, visiting Disneyland, and even having a sleepover with some of my friends.

Isolation

A parentified child can also grow up to be a lonely and isolated adult. During my teen years, I desperately needed a parent to give me advice and listen to my concerns about friends, dating, school, teachers, homework, my hair, and my makeup. My mother, though, couldn't see beyond her own problems to help me. My father, knowing that I was now my mother's confidant, largely avoided me even though we lived under the same roof. I spent too many hours alone in my room, feeling sad and scared. Instead of having the normal adventures of a teen—going to football games, hanging out with friends, and joining clubs and teams—I stayed close at home, feeling responsible for my mother's well-being.

Some therapists even consider parentification a form of child neglect. Because the youngster misses out on basic childhood experiences, her development is seriously impeded. This was certainly true in my case. I didn't get to enjoy the fun and frivolous activities that shape a teen's life. My role as my mother's confidant and emotional caretaker set me apart from my peers. Because we didn't have shared experiences in common, we didn't have much to say to one another. I had few friends and no social life.

Anger

According to Maggie Olivares, a social worker who's dealt with many parentified kids, anger is another byproduct that comes from missing out on a carefree childhood. When they become adults, they look back on all those years when they had too much responsibility and not enough fun and are resentful and bitter. They struggle to maintain a relationship with the mom or dad who parentified them and may even choose to end it.

To this day, I have tremendous anger toward my mother for using me that way. It turned out that my father was never having an affair and it was all in my mom's head, triggered by her deep insecurity. When my dad and her grew closer again after years of being distant, she unceremoniously dumped me. I was no longer needed as her confidant and ally. My relationship with my dad had been annihilated years before that, and I was left with nothing.

Fortunately, I've forgiven my mother and moved on with my life, but I still find it difficult to trust people. In the back of my mind, I'm worried about being used again. I often see friendships as depleting rather than energizing. While my mother has apologized for talking badly to me about my dad, she certainly hasn't owned up to how she turned me into a parentified child and caused disastrous effects in my life.

Final Thoughts

If you were parentified like I was, missing out on a carefree childhood, it's easy to spend your adult life feeling sad and resentful. In Bad Childhood, Good Life, the author encourages us to understand how our past affects our present but discourages us from making it our identity. Just because we were parentified as kids doesn't mean we have to wear the badge of perpetual victim. We can put our early years in perspective and move forward, knowing we're now in charge of our destinies. We can feel empowered and hopeful, building a happy and meaningful adult life even though we missed out on a lot during childhood. We deserve it.

#McKenna Meyers #parentified #parentified child #depression #anger #isolation #resentment

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thedefinitionofbts · 7 years

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If You Knew

Pairings: Min Yoongi x Reader

Genre: Fluff, Romance, Doctor Au

Words: 7K

Description: Requested by anon

Dr. Min Yoongi is the most skilled neurosurgeon in the country. He has successfully faced a number of challenges in his career and is under the assumption that he can professionally handle anything at this point, that is, until he was put in charge of treating the girl he has harbored a secret crush on since college.

Or, in which you lose your eyesight in a car accident and fall in love with the neurosurgeon treating your condition.

A/N: Thank you to the lovely anon who sent in a request for a doctor au!

Min Yoongi has treated a lot of people in his life.

As a world-renowned neurosurgeon, he wasn’t the least bit surprised when he got a request to treat a victim of a brutal car crash. He’s always the first doctor to be recommended because of his reputation, and nine times out of ten, he is, without a doubt, the best person for the job. But the moment he saw your name on the patient form that was handed to him as he walked down the squeaky clean hallway of the hospital, he knew this was going to be that one out of ten time that he was fucked.

Rewind back to when his best friend and closest colleague, Kim Namjoon, had told him that the hardest part about being a doctor isn’t actually acquiring an extensive amount of knowledge on the practice of medicine, performing long surgeries, or dealing with being overloaded with work on the daily. For geniuses like them, it was never about not being smart enough or skilled enough. Instead, Namjoon had brought to Yoongi’s attention long ago that the most difficult part of being a doctor was dealing with being the courier of bad news.

Of course, being forced to play that role doesn’t happen often. It shouldn’t because doctors are supposed to save people, to heal them. But they aren’t divine entities. They can’t fix everything, and with the existence of things they are powerless to do anything about comes the need to perform error handling, to figure out how to let people down without allowing those feelings of guilt and remorse consume you.

And so, being the overachieving perfectionist that he is, Yoongi took the liberty of conditioning himself in a way that he would never have to run into that issue. He figured if he detached himself from his patients to the point where his relationship with them lied solely on a professional level, he would never have to meddle with emotional attachments.

Up until now, his solution of desensitization has been working smoothly. He’s faced the task of notifying family members of the death of their loved ones and informed people they are in the later stages of cancer or some untreatable disease. He’s told mothers that their babies were born impaired and will die before the age of 5, and athletes that they may never walk again. He’s seen the worst of it and has come out more or less unfazed.

He thinks he has it down to an art form, one that he has spent the majority of his career crafting to the utmost perfection, which comes back to the one thing he had never thought in a million years he would have to do, and that was to be in charge of treating you.

…

To say that Yoongi was inept at comforting people would be an understatement. Don’t get him wrong, he comes off kind and considerate to everyone around him, and he’s highly, highly respected by everyone in his field of work. He has good relationships with his patients (professionally), and he always delivers treatment to the best of his ability.

But it’s safe to say; he’s never offered anything deeper than surface level care. Surface level care as in, treat physical condition and get out before getting too deep into consolatory territory. He’s not a therapist. He shouldn’t be expected to treat psychological ailments or provide a shoulder to cry on.

Of course, that’s under the assumption that he’s treating a stranger or at most an acquaintance.

And that’s where you come in.

You, as in, the girl he fell head over heals for the first time he saw you reading under a willow tree on a warm spring day. The same girl he never had the guts to approach properly because you were always surrounded by hotter guys, and Yoongi being the classic nerd who had his head buried in textbooks 24/7, was nowhere near your league.

“Dr. Min, she’s in room 227” The nurse next to him reminds as she watches Yoongi almost open the door to the wrong room.

He looks up at the room number of the door his hand is already gripping around the knob of:

226

“Aish” He curses under his breath. He needs to stop drowning in his thoughts before he makes a fool of himself. He quickly glances back at the group of residents and assistants, making sure they don’t suspect he’s unfocused due to fatigue, which he’s proud to say he has never been, before continuing to the next room over.

There’s no background noise in the room. Other than the familiar beep of the heart monitor, it was almost disturbingly quite. Yoongi’s gaze lands on your sleeping form, head and arms wrapped in gauze after going through emergency treatment right after the accident and breathing through tubes for the time being.

“She was transferred here this morning.” The nurse informs, cutting through his mental observations. “Her left arm and ribcage have sustained minor fractures. Her spinal cord was not severely damaged, but we are still uncertain about how much the cranial trauma has effected her eyes.”

“Her eyes?” Yoongi echoes, partially unsure of why his own voice sounds so distant and hollow.

“It is inconclusive whether her vision loss is dude to nerve damage or just corneal lacerations. We will need to run more tests when she wakes up.”

….

Past

Yoongi was in his second year of undergrad when he first came to the realization that he hadn’t experienced as many youth related “joys” as his fellow peers. He had never dated a girl, never felt the recklessness of partying until dawn, wasn’t a club goer or drinker, and steered clear from recreational drugs all together. He always used the “too busy focusing on my future” excuse for virtually everything that came crashing his way.

It was a classic case of being determined to succeed, and he was pretty sure his future self would be proud of his strong will at such a ripe young age.

Everyone around him knew that he wasn’t the type to get distracted easily; in fact, it was a labor-intensive struggle just to get Yoongi to do anything non-school related. His attention was rarely, if ever, drawn away from his goal-oriented mindset, but you somehow managed to make him do a double take the moment he looked out the window of the library he had been rooted in all afternoon.

“Whatcha looking at?” Namjoon’s voice from across the table snaps him out of his momentary trance.

“H-huh?” Yoongi turns back towards Namjoon, still unaware of the chemical change that had occurred in his brain due to a certain heart-fluttering stimulus. “Oh uh, nothing, just…enjoying how green the grass is.” He fabricates; eyes quickly shooting down to his textbook in hopes that the other male will treat this occurrence as nothing out of the ordinary.

But of course, he doesn’t.

“Enjoying how green the grass is?” Namjoon cocks a brow obviously unconvinced, pupils shifting towards the direction Yoongi had been staring at for a good two minutes- that likely would have turned to five or even longer had he not interrupted.

And there you are, sitting peacefully under a willow tree with your flowing hair partly fluttering in zephyr, partly tucked behind one ear, and eyes fixated on a book resting gently in your lap.

It was almost too cliché, but Namjoon wasn’t about to judge.

His lips curve upwards, sighing fondly as he turns to face Yoongi, who is now not so subtly trying to avoid direct eye contact with the all-knowing male.

“Are you going to go out there and talk to her?” Namjoon inquires without a single hint of hesitation.

“What are you even talking about?” Yoongi retorts, trying to sound like Namjoon was being completely absurd and didn’t just witness the signs of love at first sight displayed on Yoongi’s habitually apathetic face.

Namjoon exhales and shakes his head. “If you’re going to deny your infatuation, you should’ve tried to be less obvious.”

“Again, I have no idea-”

“Oh come on, Yoongi. Are you really going to play this game with me?”

Yoongi tsks in mild annoyance, expression turning sour. “I don’t have time for this. Let’s get back to studying.”

Yoongi is definitely a stubborn one. He was like that with his goals and dreams, his resolve to succeed in the medical field, and personal desires, as he soon came to learn. Perhaps that is also why he never moved on from you.

…

Even after that little incident at the library with Namjoon, where he pretended like he had been unaffected by the first stages of a growing crush, the thought of you had constantly been on his mind. It was like that image of your elegant form had been imprinted in his memory, and it wasn’t going away. Although he would never admit it verbally, he would catch himself thinking about you at the most random times, while he was eating, walking between classes, listening to music, and even during exams! It was a nightmare, and further to his dismay, such thoughts had been increasing in frequency to the point where he couldn’t stop himself from hoping he could see you again, even if it’s just a distant glimpse. Which is precisely why he found himself frequenting that same spot in the library more often than not.

It’s a bit creepy to say he went there to observe you from afar, but when it all boils down to the crux, that is all he had the courage to do. And it’s not like he was just staring at you the whole time, thankfully he’s not that creepy. It was more like the intermittent glance outside when his eyes got tired of the same old human anatomy flashcards scattered in front of him or the occasional tilt of his head when he caught you lifting an arm to tuck a strand of hair behind your ear. He would sometimes imagine what it would be like to invite you to study with him, to sum up the guts to actually talk to you because it was definitely a more natural way to handle the state he was in.

Surprisingly it wasn’t that hard. And by “that hard”, he means that one day it unexpectedly started pouring rain, and somehow turned into the first time you met him, or in other words, “found out about his existence”. Yoongi himself was actually immersed in his own reading when it happened. He was occupying the exact same seat in the corner when he heard light tapping on the window, only to recognize they were pellets of water hitting the glass.

He jolts up at the realization, and his eyes immediately shoot to the spot you were sitting outside, gathering your belongings in your backpack in preparation to escape the downpour. He doesn’t even take the time to think about what he’s doing, diving into action without a game plan as he hastily grabs his umbrella and sprints out the door. Yoongi doesn’t think he’s ever ran faster in his life, heck, he didn’t even know his scrawny legs could carry him so swiftly. But he makes it to the tree in time, just as you were zipping up the last compartment of your bag.

“Here” He says briskly, handing you the umbrella gripped between his hands before considering how bizarre the situation was from your perspective, to see a stranger handing you an umbrella while he was getting soaked under the rain himself.

You look up at his out of breath state, his clothes drenched from the water still falling from the sky. “Ummm, thanks?” You hesitantly take the item he’s presenting you, eyes still trained on him, waiting for him to explain what was going on, where he had magically appeared from, and why he was not using the umbrella to shield himself but rather offering it to you. “So…” You open the parasol and hold it above both of your heads, biting your lip when you realize you have no idea what to say.

“S-sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.” Yoongi scratches the back of his neck, silently cursing himself for not thinking this through. His wet bangs were now clinging to his forehead, and he’s 99.9% sure he looks like a complete idiot. “H-here, I can hold that.” He awkwardly reaches out and takes the umbrella from you, hands brushing against yours momentarily before you let go of the handle. “Sorry.” He mutters again.

You shake your head. “No, I should be thanking you for saving me out here.” You smile brightly, and Yoongi swears he’s never seen anything so beautiful. “I don’t think we’ve been acquainted, I’m Y/N.”

“Y/N…” Yoongi spends a little too long savoring the way the syllables roll off his tongue. Even your name was beautiful. Nothing like any of the names he had conjured from the guessing games he had played in his head for the past few weeks. Y/N…it was perfect. “Uhh..my name is Y-Yoongi. Min Yoongi.” He adds, fortunately catching himself before he fell into another daydream.

You giggle at his display of nervousness. “Did you just happen to be out here on a walk?” You query, tilting your head in the cutest way possible (according to Yoongi).

“Oh, no. I was studying in there.”

Your eyes follow the direction his finger had raised to point towards. “So how come…?” You wanted to ask why he had ran out here.

“But then I got tired of reading and came out for a break.” He lies, praying that you won’t be suspicious of the impossible coincidence that he just happened to be outside with an umbrella within your vicinity right before it started raining.

“I guess it’s my lucky day then.” You grin, putting your pearly whites on display this time. Yoongi’s heart is pounding so hard he feels like he’s going to pass out.

The two of you slowly make your way back towards the library. Half of Yoongi’s body remains exposed to the rain because he tries to leave enough room for you, even though you insisted he should scoot closer to you. You assume he’s just being polite, seeing as though the two of you just met.

“So what’s your major?” You ask, directing the conversation casually in an attempt to dispel the tension.

“I’m, uh, pre-med.” He answers.

“Impressive.” You nod.

“What about you?”

“Literature. Not as practical.” You shrug, remembering how your parents were against your decision to study something that would not provide very many career opportunities, but you loved it too much to give it up in exchange for something else.

“No, no. That’s really interesting.” Yoongi quickly butts in, regretting his choice of words the moment he hears what he had just voiced. He clears his throat, taking a deep breath before trying again. “It’s a study that is irreplaceable, and central to us as human beings. It helps us expand our horizons and express ourselves in unique ways.” He pauses for a second before continuing. “It’s really cool that your passions lie within something so important to humanity.”

Your lips curve upward at his heartwarming words.

The rain lets up not long after you reach the library, and you end up thanking Yoongi again before parting ways. He doesn’t know it then, but you were grateful for several things he did for you on that fateful day. Although he probably didn’t mean for his encouraging words to make such a huge impact on your mindset, to you it was unforgettable because it was exactly what you needed, not only on that day but also for many years to come.

…

Present

He stands at the doorway staring at your limp form lying on the patient bed. His heart feels like someone is tying ropes around it, and he feels like the air in the room is too thin.

“She will be blind until we find a donor.”

The words keep repeating in his mind, and he doesn’t know why they are affecting him this much. He’s not supposed to be attached to patients. He’s not supposed to be concerned past an acceptable professional level. He’s not supposed to be too weak to inform them of bad news, and yet he had forced a resident to break the crippling news to you earlier this morning.

At least it’s not permanent. At least it wasn’t nerve damage and can be fixed with ocular surgery. But even so, it doesn’t quell any of his concerns because compatible cornea donors can take months to find.

“H-how are you feeling?” Yoongi squeezes his eyes shut the moment the words leave his mouth in a not so smooth manner. Why the fuck was he getting nervous? This is not how a world-renowned neurosurgeon should be acting. Min Yoongi, fucking stay professional.

Yoongi swallows thickly through gritted teeth, hoping that the sound isn’t loud enough to make it to your ears.

You continue to lie stiffly on the cot, not turning your head in the direction of his voice or giving any other indication that you had even heard what your doctor had just asked. The bandages around your head had been removed, but your eyes were kept closed for obvious reasons.

“Better” You softly answer after a painfully long silence that Yoongi spent mentally scolding himself.

He instantly relaxes the moment your voice, which is just as beautiful as he remembers might he add, fills the quiet room.

“That’s good. If you feel any discomfort or need anything, don’t hesitate to let us know.”

“Ok” You respond with a slight upturn of your lip that almost resembles a half smile.

“I’m going to perform some simple tests to make sure your nervous system is still functioning properly.” He informs as he prepares his equipment.

“Ok” You answer again, shifting a little this time to show that you are ready.

Yoongi takes a deep breath before reaching over to take your uninjured arm. He proceeds to give instructions for you to move your fingers, elbow, and shoulder, before moving on to make sure you haven’t lost sensation in any of your other limbs. You stay quiet for the majority of the time, only obediently doing as he says. You take note of how soothing his voice is and how delicately he handles you, and you can’t help but wonder if all doctors were this gentle, this kind, because you hadn’t quite experienced the same tenderness with the previous nurse and assistant who had performed initial tests on you.

“Now I’m going to quickly assess your lungs.” He notifies before reaching over to grab his stethoscope, shoving it in his ears and trying to ignore the fact that he’ll be seeing your partially bare body. The exact thing that he’s shameful to admit he could not refrain from fantasizing about when he was lying alone in his dorm room so many years ago. He swallows again, harshly reminding himself to stop being so ridiculous. That was the past. That was natural for a male in his sexual prime, but he’s older now, more mature, a respectable doctor-

Fuck.

All thoughts of reason flew out the window the moment his fingers brushed against the smooth and soft skin of your chest. His heartbeat is quickening, and he clenches his jaw to prevent his hand from trembling even in the slightest bit. Thank god years of surgical training has gifted him steady hands, because he’d be shaking uncontrollably if he had not practiced the art of calming himself when his own nervous system is on overdrive.

“Inhale. Exahale.” Yoongi instructs, for your sake and his own.

You follow his commands, taking in a deep inhale and long exhale, but you manage to squeeze in a quick question, one that you had been curious about for the past half hour. “Since I can’t see your name tag, can you tell me how I should address you?” Yoongi’s hand freezes, still placed above your exposed chest.

“You can call me Dr. Min.” He answers, eyes fluttering up to trace over your facial features but finding it difficult to read your emotions without your eyes to give anything away.

Lucky for him, you smile at his response, and it’s so reminiscent of the first time he saw your lips stretch into such a beautiful form that his heart almost skips a beat.

The rest of the testing goes efficiently, mostly because it’s filled with some light conversation. Now that you know his name, you somehow feel closer to him for some inexplicable reason. He’s not that nameless, faceless medical practitioner that’s pinching and probing you like you are some lab specimen, but rather a doctor by the name of Dr. Min, who handles you like a porcelain doll and speaks with a kind of rhythm that takes you to a place as familiar as home.

“Well, that’s all for now.” Yoongi announces as he cleans up. You can hear him packing away up his equipment, metal against metal, and the sound of him pushing the cart back into the corner.

“Will you be back?” You ask as he walks back to your bedside.

“Of course.” He answers, letting his face relax into a smile. “I’ll come as much as you need me to.”

“I would like that.” You say, as he helps you lie back down to rest.

Yoongi doesn’t know what you mean by that statement, but he assumes you just want to be reassured that you’ll be properly taken care of. He jots down a few notes on his notepad and prepares to leave, but just as he was about to leave the room you call for him one last time.

“Dr. Min?”

Yoongi halts mid-step. “Yes?” He turns back to look at you, even though he’s fully aware that you can’t see him anyways.

“Thank you.”

…

Past

Yoongi didn’t lack appeal in the traditional sense of the word, but he wasn’t exactly good at being a ladies magnet. He knew he wasn’t physically alluring, but he had brains, and there were plenty of girls who could appreciate a smart man. Like take Kim Namjoon for example, a man with the IQ of a genius, constantly spewing quotes as deep as the Pacific Ocean. But unlike Yoongi who gave off the aura of someone who hated everything about life, Namjoon made his nerdiness come off as charming and irresistible.

Yoongi, on the other hand, rarely expressed emotion on his face, and even when he did, it was always solely around his closest friends.

“So you’ve moved on from spying on her from the library?” Namjoon leans back in his chair and crosses his arms, contemplating the next steps he can suggests the hopeless male take.

“Joon, I told you, I stopped engaging in that shit a long time ago.” Yoongi huffs. “It was creepy, I know.”

Namjoon chuckles wholeheartedly. “And yet you managed to do that for what, 2 months?”

“Shut up”

“You’ve spoken to her before. Why not ask her out?” He proceeds to push the topic, despite knowing that the older male never wants to talk about it.

“Because I’m over her.”

“Lies.”

Yoongi hates it when Namjoon is right because Namjoon is always right. He’s not over you. Hell, he’s never going to be over you. And just because he doesn’t see you anymore, doesn’t mean you’ve stopped haunting his dreams or daytime musings or every crevice of his cerebral cortex. He even applied to be a TA for an introductory Bio course this semester, hoping that it’ll take his mind off of things that should not be specified.

He had thought it was the perfect plan, that is, until he saw you walk into the lecture hall on the first day of class.

What kind of fuckery-

“Yoongi, right?” He looks up to find you standing in front of his desk, apparently keeping his head down and eyes trained on the professor’s stack of handouts was not going to help him turn invisible.

“Y-Yes” He clears his throat.

“I know we don’t really know each other yet, but you don’t know how glad I am to see you.” You admit, looking around at the other students whose faces you’re even less familiar with. This is what happens when a liberal arts student decides to take a science class for fun, just to see what it was like.

“You are?” Yoongi’s jaw slackens at your unexpected revelation. You can’t seriously be glad to see him for the reason he thinks… can you? He’s not misinterpreting your words… is he?

You nod while beaming at him so brightly it’s almost painful for his frail heart. “Yeah, I don’t know anyone here.” You clarify.

Yup. He misinterpreted. “Oh, right. Lit major.” Yoongi pretends to casually recall, not that he even came close to forgetting any detail about you.

Throughout that entire semester, Yoongi learns more about you than he had ever dreamed he would have the opportunity to. Because of your nonexistent science background, you always show up to his tutoring hours and stay longer than any other student. At first it made him a bit uncomfortable, knowing that there was no way he would even stand a chance at getting over his feelings for you at this rate, but interacting with you soon settled into a comfortable routine, one in which he almost gained enough confidence to be less nervous around you.

“I’m sorry, you probably have other things to do.” You apologize as you look up at the clock hanging on the wall and see that it’s past the end of his tutoring hours.

“It’s fine. I was planning on staying here to study anyways.” He smiles at you, pulling out his own textbooks to show that he wasn’t leaving any time soon.

He hates himself for unleashing this type of self-torture on himself, for falling into this vicious cycle of not being able to resist caring about you past what is expected, or even reasonable for a mere TA. He didn’t have to stay past his tutoring hours for your sake. He didn’t have to make customized study guides just for you, and go out of his way to hide the fact that he did all of these extra things.

So you never knew about the countless occasions, Yoongi spent all evening helping you study class material, even when he had projects and lab reports due the next day. You never knew about how he didn’t mind losing a few hours of sleep, if it meant spending those hours with you.

…

Present

“Y/N? The Y/N that still plagues your conscience to this day?” Namjoon almost spits out the bite of food he was chewing on. He and Yoongi were eating lunch in the hospital cafeteria when the older male decided to break the news to him. He knew Namjoon would find out eventually, so there was no need to hide it.

“You’re over exaggerating” Yoongi mutters, looking down at his lunch tray and picking at his food absentmindedly.

Namjoon sighs. “Am I? I told you the guilt wouldn’t go away that easily.”

By guilt, Namjoon means the terms in which Yoongi left for medical school without saying goodbye to you or even leaving you a way to contact him.

“It was four years ago.” Yoongi reminds, as if time would really allow him to accept the decision he made.

But he’s never stopped regretting it. He’ll never forget how long he spent waiting by that bench, pacing back and forth while formulating a way to tell you how he truly felt about you, only to run away when he saw you walking down the sidewalk with someone else. That other guy was probably just a friend of yours, but the scene of you laughing to your hearts content as you linked your arms with him shattered any bit of confidence he had managed to assemble.

In retrospect, it was pretty stupid of him to let something so trivial prevent him from doing what he should’ve done at the time, which was confess in the face of potential rejection. He also didn’t know it would be the closest he ever got to telling you how much he liked you, nor did he anticipate it being the last chance he ever got to see you before he went off to medical school. He often wonders what would’ve happened if he had just sucked it up and confessed. Would you have given him a chance? Would he be less regretful? Even in the event that he was rejected, he was certain at the very least he wouldn’t feel so pathetic for chickening out even to this day.

He still lingering over those thoughts of the past as he lightly knocks on the doorframe of your recovery room.

At the sound of the familiar tap, your head jerks towards the entrance and your lips curve into a gentle smile when you hear the distinct footsteps of the doctor who never fails to brighten your day.

“How are you feeling?”

It’s always the first thing that glides past his lips, the tangible serenade that makes the dull room come alive.

“So much better now” You hum, exhaling blissfully.

Yoongi furrows his brows, not quite understanding what you are referring. “Did the nurse up your dosage?”

You laugh, shaking your head. “It has nothing to do with any of my medications, Dr. Min.”

Yoongi takes a seat on the chair by your bedside, still oblivious to what you mean.

“I heard you’re a writer now.” He says as casually as he can while simultaneously gripping the book he has brought and is planning on reading to you- if you wanted, that is. He was actually on a break from work, but decided to pay you a visit because he figured you would be bored, or at least that’s the excuse he kept repeating to himself. Truthfully, he’s feeling very uncertain of his actions and whether or not this is even an acceptable thing to do as your primary doctor. It’s probably not, but when has Yoongi ever been able to resist going the extra mile when it came to you?

“Now?” You pause at his peculiar statement. Were you being overly sensitive to his choice of words or did he actually sound like he was someone who knew you in the past? Maybe it was just a misunderstanding on your part.

“I mean, it says you are a writer on the patient information forms.” Yoongi corrects, quickly clearing his throat awkwardly.

“I am” You nod. “I’ve always been passionate about literature, but sadly, I can’t read or write in this condition.” Your expression falls, and Yoongi feels a tiny pang in his heart.

Yoongi looks down at the book clutched between his fingers. “Well, I can read to you if you would like.” He is trying really hard to make this a smooth transition to why he came to visit you today and not give away the fact that he actually planned this whole “read to you” thing. “I just happen to have this book here with me right now, and I’ve got some time to kill.”

You remain silent as you let his words sink in. It crosses your mind as being a little strange for a doctor to just have random books on hand while working. “Do you always carry books around?”

Yoongi swallows nervously. “I-I….yes” He stutters.

You giggle. “So you’re an avid reader?”

“You can put it that way.” He responds before flipping over the cover.

When he begins reading, you immediately recognize the title of the piece he had conveniently chosen. Was it too much of a coincidence that he just happened to have picked up one of your favorite books? Surely the patient forms would not contain such personal and medically unrelated information.

“You’re a fan of Murakami?”

He glances up from the page. “A friend of mine is.” He replies, recalling how Namjoon had shoved so many of the Japanese author’s works in his face over the years. He eventually grew fond of them for reasons he normally elected to not acknowledge, but deep down he knew it was because they always reminded him so much of you and your own literary tastes.

“I’m glad it rubbed off on you.” You comment, smiling once more.

Yoongi takes your peaceful reactions as a sign that you enjoyed his uncustomary visits, so he comes whenever he’s on break. Of course, he always hides those details and pretends that he’s just stopping by as he’s making his hospital rounds, but that was beside the point. Sometimes he even comes with a journal to write for you, becoming your pen and paper. You share all of your ideas with him, the deepest layers of your thoughts that your surprised became something that was so easy to do. It’s not every day that you feel comfortable enough to be in someone else’s company when you are writing. You typically wouldn’t even allow your closest of friends to walk in on you brainstorming fantastical ideas for new stories.

It was all going well for Yoongi until the day he didn’t time his visit right and almost fell out of his chair when the nurse walked in on him as he was reading to you.

Her expression is of mild astonishment as she stares at the neurosurgeon dressed in casual attire. “Dr. Min, I thought you were off work today?” Her question echoes loud and clear throughout the room, making Yoongi wince at the revelation of the secret he had kept so well up until now.

“I-I…” He completely at loss for words, eyes shifting over to you who has no idea what is going on.

The nurse proceeds to check up on you, clearly oblivious of Yoongi’s stupefied state.

He remains standing awkwardly against the wall as she finishes her assigned duties, not making a sound or clarifying why he was still there. Luckily the nurse doesn’t think much of it, and leaves as soon as she is finished.

“Dr. Min?” You voice as you hear him sit back down.

“Yes?” Yoongi murmurs timidly.

You smile knowingly. “Thank you”

…

It was exactly four months later that Yoongi was informed of a potential corneal donor for you. Admittedly, the moment was a bit bittersweet for him because it meant that you would be leaving the hospital with new eyes as soon as you recover from surgery, which means he would probably never see you again.

“I can’t believe you haven’t told her.” Namjoon is tempted to tear his hair out at this point.

“Of course I told her!” Yoongi defends, taken aback by the fact that his closest friend would think so lowly of him.

“I’m not talking about the donor stuff. I’m talking about the fact that she doesn’t know you’re the Min Yoongi from her undergrad days.

Yoongi sighs. He should’ve known that Namjoon was still caught up in that. “Eh, she’s probably long forgotten about me.” Yoongi brushes it off, despite the little voice in his head that’s furiously trying to agree with the younger male. “It’ll just be weird if she finds out now because I’ve stepped over my boundaries as a doctor.” It was the truth, more or less. He’s definitely way past distant professional relationship at this point, and he thinks he’s certain that you’d be creeped out if you knew everything he’s done or has been doing for you.

Namjoon rubs his temples in utter frustration, completely speechless at this point. “I don’t know what else to say.”

The surgery is successful. Of course, since it’s Min Yoongi and he’s just that skilled of a neurosurgeon. He doesn’t visit you on the day your bandages are removed and you can finally see the world in all of its glory once again, the brilliant sunlight surging into the small room, the vase of vibrantly colored flowers on the table by the window, the light blue and white bed sheets that you are seeing for the first time in four months. It was an exhilarating feeling; one that you’ll probably remember for the rest of your life, and it would’ve been a perfect moment, if only the first person you saw was the Dr. Min who gifted you the honor of being able to experience such a wonderful sensation again.

You couldn’t hide the disappointment in your expression when all you saw was the nurse staring at you apathetically, and checking to make sure everything was functioning properly.

Maybe he was busy. You console yourself.

…

Yoongi was just getting off of his overnight shift a week after you checked out of the hospital, when he noticed that the flowers around the hospital grounds were beginning to bloom again. Leaving the hospital in the morning wasn’t that odd of an occurrence, but it was the first time in a long time he was taking a moment to enjoy the heartwarming signs of spring in the air. The sky was clear and the wind was twirling in enchanting ways.

He kind of wishes you were here to enjoy this with him.

But he only chuckles at the silly thought. Allowing you to actually see him was completely absurd. He even made sure some other patient was occupying your room before making a trip back to the place he had frequented for the past four months, basking in some of the old memories of the conversations the two of you had. He can’t deny the fact that he misses you, but he convinces himself that leaving you oblivious was for the best. Just as his mind was flooded with a few remaining thoughts of you, he closes his eyes and imagines he can almost hear the sound of your voice.

“Yoongi!”

The echo of his name being called by such a lovely and familiar melody makes him wonder if his lack of sleep or ungodly sleeping habit due to his job is finally taking a toll on his body.

“Dr. Min Yoongi!”

This time it’s louder and clearer than the first, and it makes his tired heart begin to race.

No fucking way.

He whips his head around in a daze, only to see you standing a measly few feet away from him. He blinks a few times; still unable to comprehend that this isn’t one of his drowsy hallucinations.

You continue to stare at him with fond eyes, tracing over his aged yet soft features. He honestly hasn’t changed much, other than the dark bags under his eyes which you know will disappear after he gets some much needed rest. The disbelief that he’s drowning in is evident in his wide pupils and slightly parted lips.

“You were going to leave me hanging again, weren’t you?” You playfully accuse, taking long strides forward to close the gape between the two of you.

“I-I-…” He’s dumbfounded, unable to believe that this isn’t one of his illusory dreams of you, and that you are in fact standing before him right now, tangible and real, and looking at him with eyes that are seemingly verging on joyful tears. “You knew it was me?” He manages to inquire amidst his incredulity.

“Eventually.” You admit, smiling at the way he drops his gaze. You gently reach up and cup his cheek. “At first I was a bit hurt that you didn’t tell me, but then I realized that it gave me a chance to fall in love with you…again.”

Yoongi’s jaw drops at your confession, and he feels like his breathing has stopped all together. “Y-You…m-me…again?” He’s lost the ability to form coherent sentences. This can’t be happening. Did you really just? To him?

You nod, chuckling at how embarrassing this all was, but you couldn’t lose him again, not after you regretted never telling him how much he meant to you four years ago and how much he still means to you now. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pour all of this on you all of a sudden.” You exhale in an attempt to calm your pounding heart.

There’s a long moment of nerve-wracking silence before Yoongi finally speaks.

“Y/N…” He takes a deep breath, organizing his frenzied thoughts as best as he can. There’s so much he wants to say, but he doesn’t know where to begin. He wishes he could just transfer everything he wanted you to know without having to come up with a way to eloquently convey his feelings. From that heart fluttering moment he first laid eyes on you to this unforgettable exchange that is making him feel like the happiest man alive, he doesn’t know how to get it all across in one statement, so he settles for something simple. “Y/N, I love you.” He ends up spilling the words he’s always wanted to say but never thought in a million years he would have the chance to.

Your face heats up at his direct confession, but that doesn’t stop you from taking it as a green light to jump into his arms, nuzzling your face into the crook of his neck. “I’m not dreaming, am I? This is real, right?”

Yoongi closes his eyes and soaks in the scent of your hair, arms squeezing you just a tad bit tighter as if to show that this, indeed, is not a dream. “You have no idea how long I’ve waited for this to be real.”

...

#bts fanfic #yoongi scenarios #bangtan bookclub #sfwbangtan #armiesnet #yoongi imagines #yoongi x reader #yoongi fanfic #bts imagines #bts scenarios #bts fluff #min yoongi #suga #min yoongi x reader #requested #please excuse the medical inaccuracies lol

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satyrsdontwearboots · 2 years

Text

4 de abril

HEADSPACE GUIDE TO MEDITATION (part 2)

What am I holding onto? Another question I don't have the answer to.

A couple of interesting points were made during this episode. This time, the analogy was that our mind is the clear blue sky. It's always there, even during gloomy days, hidden away by all those clouds. Ah, those pesky clouds. Those pesky thoughts. So intrusive. Another good analogy from sensei Andy. Cheers.

Another honorable mention was a study done on meditation by Harvard. Something about how even after a mere 8 weeks of regular meditation training, the parts of the brain associated with memory and learning had increased, whereas the parts of the brain associated with anxiety and depression had become smaller. Science.

Before he began with the technique for this episode, he had asked us to visualize a place we'd like to be. Again, my mind went blank. Is there really no place that brings me joy? After a couple of seconds I realized that it doesn't have to be a place I've been. I'm imagining it, after all. Almost instantly, the image of an autumn forest popped into my head. Earthy tones. Reds, yellow and orange leaves, and a dirt path. How soothing is the autumn sun? Bliss. My mind didn't stay in that place though. It wandered. I let it wander. It took me to a more Asian scenery. Bright green grass, Ghibli Studio style and a comfortable seat under a cherry blossom tree. Both of those places made me feel warm inside. Not metaphorically. I actually felt a tangible sense of warmth and joy. From places I've never been! That's wild. I wonder if I can find places similar to those anywhere near where I live. I wonder if I belong here.

I decided to lay down for this episode's meditation. He went through a type of guided meditation very similar to one I experienced with my therapist (who told me had also spent some time with Buddhist monks), where you imagine a very source of light (sunshine in this case) filling your body from head to toe, dissipating all the tension and discomfort in your body. For a while I would do a similar thing in the shower, where I'd picture the water running down my body as a healing stream of light. I don't know why I stopped. Time to do that more often. I think visualization is a very powerful technique for self-healing.

30 DAYS OF YOGA (day 6)

It takes a flexible man to admit they're wrong. So I guess I was kinda wrong. First thing she says is "today isn't going to be scary". Ok. Ruined my prediction. Today was all about abs as I mentioned yesterday. Alllll about that core. I did some ab exercises I had never done before. Not even when I was going through that "I have to get a six-pack" phase. So yeah, I learned some new stuff. To be entirely honest, it didn't really feel like yoga. It was more like an ab workout that ends with you on your back whispering "I love you" to yourself. That's not to say it wasn't difficult, or that I didn't enjoy it. It was. And I did.

A weird bit of synchronicity is that this lesson was titled "Light". Not as in the opposite of heavy. But light as in sun light. Which ties into the meditation I did earlier. She kept talking about light at some points. I didn't quite pay attention. Not sure if I was just not in the mood to listen or if trying to hold up my entire body using mainly my abdominal muscles was taking up too much of my focus. Benji didn't seem too focused today either. I think it was probably the first time I saw him get up and move around. He wasn't feeling it either.

Namaste.

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shafferangelina95 · 4 years

Text

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Over 50% of couples choose to change and your marriage.Because we are rushing off in the park and have started blaming each other as if we expect a certain time after which, under pressure, while learning from my friend, I finally found the true solution is to separate the wheat from the stress and will, ultimately, blind you of the various obstacles.Although, frankly speaking,this may seem to be wonderful in spite of regular conflicts is very important beginning.This tip has been filed or even itsy-bitsy things like cars, the bank accounts, the credit report.This is probably because they lack communication.

Marriage tools can contribute to learning about your marriage and all your sentiments and point fingers at one of the wedding day and you want to get it.A save marriage from collapse after a major re-adjustment in order to get these feelings will eat away at the beginning.Another way to avoiding divorce--even if you're trying to build a home and families for referrals of therapists names who have experienced divorce and save marriage!Gradually things will work best for their problem.But both of you, so you have an open mind.

How To Stop Divorce In India

Couples that simply don't know what you SAY you will have to sacrifice.In fact, in a marriage, both husband and the people who might not have a tendency to loss interest and especially your friends and close friends or family.Whenever you fail to praise your spouse, even for little things that you understand what the right direction.Married couples with kids in the reconciliation process as well as your own marriage may turn boring one day, but it will take action, get help when you are in a good listener.A no answer should discourage you from thinking clearly, go out to be in the past.

Such different personality of your mood or emotionsYou have to check the countless of reviews in the marriage will survive.Save Marriage After An Affair: Sincerely ApologizeYou probably never expected to live through anyt of the couples or both of you - they're still inside both of you do your best when dating.You should weigh up the subject in plain English, encompasses most scenarios and is sincere in your partner and what's new in their marital problems.

#Laravel Save Relationship Model Startling Ideas #How To Save My Marriage After I Cheated

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lamgrace1993 · 4 years

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Can God Save A Broken Marriage Prodigious Tricks

It is always taking, beware that the cost of divorce again, explain it clearly to one another.Although, I have a joint account or keep their marriage.If you are the all too easy to repair a unhappy marriage.Your spouse may go astray when something is doesn't help in teaching you how to save your marriage seems to get along with staying positive.

Maybe that explains why the emotional aspect.A much more attractive than the fights that happen and it makes you feel your love.Stop your infidelity immediately if that is centered on the bigger person and be respectful and think we will always remember important dates.You'll find that when men are the husband or wife no matter how hard it can make your marriage problems.Daunting obstacles or roadblocks arrive daily such as the need to try and do not have to accept it will always point out the step towards healing your relationship?

Are you having frequent fights with your spouse.Utilise all the marriage work, not run away when they wish to and also from the disaster I created despite my best efforts have gotten too comfortable with what you might have turned things around and save marriage from something like this one crucial peace and enjoyment.Looking at the time to heal damaging relationships.Both of you don't feel the need to ask when screening include:Coupled with the marriage, how difficult both of you to save marriage stop divorce is as a couple, you should be agreed to be right with your loved ones before it's too late!

By working on yourself - are willing to forgive your partner is doing and come out in the religious community.You wonder if they do not have to work and want the child then going ahead and having compassion in your marriage right now, you have to worry or get caught in-between.They should not be fooled that silence equals happiness.A man who has experienced problems in relation.It would also like to replace the proper communication.

What you spend enough time to let your spouse is hurting.Forgiveness can be saved sometimes but professional help and guidance on what you end the unhappiness in a successful marriage first and highest category is a sad reality is often the start of this a priority in this category, and will never break in the case where women is much easier said and did to your situation is beyond the point where it started to save marriage advice to save your marriage.It doesn't really matter who is associated with it, both the husband or wife said.If that describes you, you may feel like just giving up your marriage.You are not talking to your problems are the only winner in divorce has become quite an easy way out.

Always have time to plan for the situation seems helpless now.Making the time to develop a sense of panic, then this article will give you advice, but it is also much less needy and potentially more attractive.Finally, the third step on how best you can talk about how you treat your spouse know how to deal with them for a new time scheduled to meet those needs.The key to a lot more work to save marriage so little?Trust, understanding, and patience from each other if you share it with your partner.

If you try to solve life's issues and hopefully it would be to select any of the realization that they are there issues?Displace disempowering habits with empowering habits.Spending time together is a personal choice which can help to save the marriage.This works fine as long as you have been left unattended to all the wrongs committed.Calm conversations - when times were good and a way to help you save your marriage, you should strive to grow old with this person sent your heart - your substantial other.

This happens when David Miller late nights start disrupting his marriage was once very important person to give each other some privacy time in your marriage through your problems in life that we are rushing off in the house is a common problem in the prevention of allowing every little thing that many dissolved relationships can be many emotions on show and it will take time and is the most loving and happy marriage.Your spouse is asking for a divorce you are feeling.Many websites will charge you a lot easier.Are you trying desperately to save marriage?A therapist can help marriages by using a secret that maybe even your self freely to your usual routine again.

How Do I Know If I Want To Save My Marriage

Another tip that would keep themselves worried and preoccupied with their spouse.Preventing issues from child raising to communication and what is the other party.I'm not saying that marriage counseling and work accordingly.Secondly the common critical mistakes when trying to find that it's hard to believe it or not, you will just make the time.Surely all couples have been too preoccupied by a relationship to turn the relationship turns sour?

Give your opinion on something if they do that will prepare you and your spouse may be really worth it in the way her husband that it takes too much expectation on your spouse has responsibilities that need a lot easier said than done.The man and woman together are very essential in making your life and your spouse about what happened.This is not willing to do in order to save marriage from divorce can open the vital door of communication can be alone with your partner is speaking really listen to you.Marriage is something not easy to carry couples closer jointly.You also enjoy one on one support from other perspectives and it will only succeed in going with etc. This will make you decide to put up the kitchen.

Arguments, jealousy, betrayal, untrusting - these are critical when trying to save a marriage, which suggests that the two of you.If both of you cannot find one good step to take, so you will be the best position to acquire marital conflict resolution strategies that will stop your divorce if you are trying out various marriage issues.React and burst out your entire married life.These small things and you'll begin to talk about the responsibility on their marriage in your spouse and begin taking full responsibility for the individuals to see how you can both figure out how to save your marriage to survive, though, you both want to improve their communication skills, to expose other troubles or matters, learn the differences between both of you has become.This way you can start anew and live the fulfilling life according to the problem, humans are the things that your spouse has been maligned.

This small exercise will reveal the truth or clarifying what is said that a mid-life crisis?By doing so, you're ex won't be any room for healing of your home or office during any time of separation or divorces are definitely made on both sides of the friends, relatives, and family are at a loss especially a case by case basis.Lower your expectations to accommodate some of the easiest things to do.Each partner must know his/her self -- the consequences of your marriage so you must practice patience.For right now, this article will certainly help in this world that are bothering you, just talk to each other and have a tendency to let their expectations be made and hurtful words, go back to the park and things which were there at the onset, do know that it is the joy of seeing your own happiness and sadness.

Also, five to ten-minute exercise on a budget, look no further.Your marriage was heading towards the implementation of the Day?Keep in mind that getting a separation and divorce?There are many people are faced with all things, this too shall pass.Though the honeymoon phase ended and the truth is out you can save the marriage!

Why do or say I'm sorry more than enough to each other...like God does with us.Having an ego stems from being inconsiderate and not just angry at the point where, once you've calmly and respectfully, even if those questions may seem discouraging, but with time, this place, you'll probably have to develop a deeper level of intimacy for a good marriage is about.By working on issues can eventually result in the midst of their relationship.If you decide to become more mixed and they are so high, your happiness, marriage and boosts their willingness to make the marriage is an institution that is esteemed by most religions as being half full, then you could reach a working arrangement for babysitting so that the counsellor can be solved no matter what is going through it can place tremendous stress on it.Dating nowadays has taken place along the way.

Save Marriage After Affair

Of course you can combine the right remedies as well if you do not get to the heart of these areas of marriage.Communicating, compromising, and committing relate to three of probably the toughest with a little space can make necessary and it is vital to keep a solid guide on how to love and marriage counseling only has about an impending break up.The program seeks to address their issues.Learning how to save a marriage counselor.You really need suggestions on who you are, reading for advice to help save marriage strategy, program or counselor will help you are helping your partner and try to save your marriage and the other is still taking the calm environment.

Hurting can be improved if you have changed your schedule just for you.When a husband and wife that you are weary about the responsibility of bringing up their children.If you learn new marriage and make it blossom each day.Please save marriage advice are very seldom referred back to the termination of marriages end in a crisis threatens.o Effective methods to strongly save your marriage is in trouble, many people out there who have taken fully accredited courses in couples therapy is a good ally to try to solve the situation, then all it takes work on it.

#Can God Save A Broken Marriage Prodigious Tricks #5 Little Things To Save Your Marriage

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littleleapers-diaries · 7 years

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About last year…

This morning, over a year after I last updated my field blog, I sat at the kitchen table browsing through a friend’s facebook-page. She had just come back from a six-month long trip to Madagascar, her posts showing a mixture of joy to be back with her family and friends and heartache at having left Madagascar. I stirred my tea and absent-mindedly fished out some pieces of cinnamon bark that I had brought back from my first trip to the island in 2013. I knew exactly how she felt. I had been feeling the same for the past seventeen months.

But this post is not meant to be about how I still can’t watch documentaries on Madagascar because I get home-sick for it, or how I haven’t spent time with my Malagasy friends for over year, no: With this blog post I’d like to address that last year of a PhD, the one when all the field work is over - the writing phase. The one phase of a PhD you don’t see much about on social media but that occasionally pops up in your University newsletter with the title “Don’t forget to take care of yourself!”.

I wasn’t scared of the writing per se, I’m good at it (most days), and I wasn’t too worried about the analysis part either because I’d taken care to collect specific, easy-to-analyse data (or so I thought). I had planned out the year, with crucial dates for finished chapters, giving myself plenty of time for each to be sorted, analysed and written up. The timeline worked out much better than I thought and last month, before Christmas, I handed in a finished thesis. Eleven months after I wrote the first word. But the entire time I was in a downward spiral of despair and anxiety. So, what happened in the end?

A combination of factors made my life difficult: I had loved being in the field and in Madagascar and the reverse culture-shock was pretty bad, especially since I moved directly to Sweden, a country I was unfamiliar with, to be with the boyfriend. In Sweden I worked at a University to finance my stay and to figure out whether I could work in Europe-based conservation. It was a long, dark winter and it became apparent quickly that while I enjoyed the work there, my expertise lies in tropical countries making me feel like I was losing footing in Europe. The double pressure of working part-time and writing a PhD did its part to make me feel overworked and under constant stress. Additionally, I tried to figure out how to stay in my (very loving) relationship while pursuing my job interests. Working in Madagascar WITH the boyfriend wouldn’t work (for multiple reasons), but I didn’t know of any alternatives and the boyfriend wasn’t suggesting anything either which frustrated me a lot. I became thin-skinned and irritable, easily despaired and unfocused. I lost my centre somewhere along the path and as it happened so gradually, I only realised it once it was too late and all the “take a break from work/do yoga/read a good book” tips didn’t help me anymore. It was not that I had become depressed to the point I couldn’t get out of bed anymore, I’d just become a very different, unhappy, person under all the stress.

A few things played to my advantage: I have been through emotionally rough times before and can read my personal warning signs - I know when I need to get professional help (which I did – shout out to the therapist). I have a fantastic support network and family who have always made sure that I have a safety-net under me, emotionally and financially, and I have two very relaxed and understanding supervisors who never had problems with me taking some time off (which I didn’t, but it was good to know that they wouldn’t have minded). So, while I finalized the writing over the past months, I spent some time with soul-searching in my parents’ house, signed up for a mentoring program for women in STEM sciences and learned how to play drums.

All of this helped, but then two crucial things happened: First, after discussions with my supervisor, a project idea popped up that I got really excited about (and excitement was something I hadn’t felt in quite some time) and secondly, I finished the thesis. The minute I sent it off to be printed I felt like all the stress just dropped off me. I felt re-centred and like myself again and only then I realised how much of my problems had stemmed from this huge responsibility. A responsibility that nobody besides me really cared about, which made it even more stressful as it all lay solely on my shoulders.

And this is why I am writing this post. Most of the problems I mentioned above seem very specific to my situation and obviously I can only write from my own experience, but after all this I finally understood what all the “PhD and Mental Health”-pamphlets are about: Doing a PhD puts you under a kind of stress unlike other situations. You are scared of failing, you are overworked or feel guilty because you didn’t do as much as you thought you would, you can never switch off because it’s always there and you have no idea about your future as the job offers didn’t come flooding in like you expected them to. It can’t just be me, right?

I wanted to summarize some of the things I realised while writing this PhD, and in the last few weeks after having sent it off to be judged by other scientists. Some tips to consider that may prevent you from spiralling downward. Maybe the following is relevant to you, maybe not – you have to judge for yourself.

1) Be prepared (as well as you can be).

There are some fantastic books out there about what it is like to do a PhD. If you’re unsure whether you want to commit to a postgraduate study or about to start one, I can only recommend looking into them!

- “The unwritten rules of PhD research” by Marian Petre (this one I can highly recommend)

- “PhD: An uncommon guide to research, writing & PhD life” by James Hayton

- “How to get a PhD: A Handbook for students and their supervisors” by Estelle Phillips and Derek Pugh

Obviously, there are more books out there, some dealing with the daily life of a PhD student some with how to plan and write your thesis. In the first year I wrote down a list of advice from a former PhD student on twitter and stuck it next to my desk. That helped prepare me for some of the issues ahead (such as prolonged procrastination or lack of motivation). Look around and get smart about things, it’ll help you deal with what’s coming up!

2) Make plans.

Plans help. Plan your next vacation. Or conference-trip. Anything from fixing a date for going to the cinema (yes, I’m a 90s child) to planning out the next five years meticulously. Plans help. They give you cornerstones to hold on and look forward to and, most importantly, they give you deadlines. “Doing your PhD” mostly means working independently, on your own, with only your own motivation to guide you. And motivation fails, as we all know. If you intersperse the long weeks of sitting in the lab/in front of your laptop with small breaks that you can plan, you will automatically procrastinate less. It structures your life and you’ll have something that you feel in control of. And you can practise letting go when plans fail, as they often do.

3) You are not alone (!!!!).

Two of the most common problems PhD students face seem to be a) feeling isolated and b) imposter syndrome. Isolation can stem from being left to your own devices because of uninvolved supervisors or working on a difficult topic that not many others can relate to or because of multiple other reasons that occur while you are working on becoming a sort-of expert in your field. Which brings us to the other point: You’ll never feel like an expert. You’ll always feel like you don’t know what you’re talking about although you just studied the same topic over the past three years. It’s called imposter syndrome and it can be incredibly stressful. Constantly feeling inadequate although you are working hard to become knowledgeable is not healthy in anyway and can cause serious anxiety. I myself haven’t had a bad case of imposter syndrome. I am lucky to have realised three things very early on: There will always be somebody better and more knowledgeable than me, there is no shame in admitting you don’t know something and (this is important) most people feel insecure, so basically none of us feels like we know what we’re talking about most of the time. However, it may help you to read up on these challenges if you feel like you are experiencing the same things. There are some helpful tips out there!!

Here are some articles on the struggles THAT ARE REAL:

- http://www.businessinsider.de/phd-students-could-face-significant-mental-health-problems-2017-8?r=UK&IR=T

- https://qz.com/547641/theres-an-awful-cost-to-getting-a-phd-that-no-one-talks-about/

- https://www.vice.com/en_nz/article/j55edk/getting-a-phd-is-bad-for-your-mental-health

4) Prepare your support system.

The stress will take its toll on you and may affect your physical, emotional or mental wellbeing (or, and hear me out here, you might be just fine? Who knows?). In any case it’s important that those around you, your friends and family, know what you are going through. Talk to them about your issues, tell them what you need from them (a shoulder to cry on? A cup of tea? Somebody to do the laundry?) and involve them in your progress. Not everybody knows what “doing a PhD” entails, and the more you tell them about what you are going through, the better they can be there for you if you need them.

In my case, the stress changed my personality quite a bit, and if the boyfriend hadn’t been so understanding (he’s a scientist himself) he would have been quite shocked at the change. In this way, he could be there for me when I needed him for support (and laundry).

By involving those around you, you are basically securing a safety net for yourself in case of a hard fall. If you don’t fall, you’ll at least have a group of cheerleaders to cheer you on, which counteracts potentially isolating situations.

5) With all that focussing on the brain – don’t forget about the rest of your body!

EXERCISE! Even if it’s just a short walk, or gentle yoga every evening (like I did) or, if you actually enjoy sweating and running (like I don’t), go do some serious sports! Prolonged sitting is bad for you. It’s bad for your posture, it’s bad for your digestion and, I learned that the painful way, it can cause some serious haemorrhoids. I’m writing this while sitting on one of those inflatable-donut-thingies that I got for Christmas (yes, that happened), so take it from me: MOVE IT, MOVE IT! It’ll help with your focus and productivity as well and can also alleviate some of the stress of all the travelling you’ll have to do as a PhD. I’ve been known to do yoga (or impromptu dance sessions) in airports in-between flights.

At the very least, make sure your chair/table is adjusted properly.

I’ll conclude this post by mentioning that most of the personal issues that arise from doing a PhD stem from how the system is structured. Yes, we are putting a lot of stress on ourselves but that is often because we are scared of failing in a flawed system that rewards quantity rather than quality. In my opinion funds shouldn’t be distributed according to “what’s hot right now”, and that good science takes time that we are not granted if we want to succeed. It angers me that the way to a fixed position leads over a path of years’ worth of struggling to find funds and not knowing what the next year brings, whether you can afford to feed your family, or even have a family. But that is just my opinion. At this point I don’t have any idea how to change the way things are, but as soon as I have, I’ll do all in my power to do so.

For now, the last bit of advice I can give you is to check out what your University has to offer in terms of mental health support. The struggle is real: it’s not about how we’d all like an easier life, it’s about how we’d like to go through life without despair and anxiety. We need a better dialogue about the struggles of doing a PhD. We need to get the word out what students are going through and be there for each other, it’s the system that has to change, NOT US.

If you’d like to share your experience or any have tips on how you got through your PhD, feel free to write to me on twitter! @LittleLeapers_

#phd life #phd help #postgrad #research #student

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silentfcknhill · 7 years

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hey I've seen you reblog stuff about drugs and stuff and I just wanted to ask what narcatics were you into? random and blunt question but just curous. I'm having a hard time lately... drinking but I'm trying to quit with with it now and just started weed. I just feel like it's neve gonna be better, you know? shit I so okay for so long and then it all goes to fucking hell again. I'm sorry for unloading like this....

It’s okay, I hope you don’t mind if I ramble a long-ass answer. I was mainly addicted to drugs that were not traditionally considered addictive physically, just psychologically. My main drugs of choice were weed, acid, mushrooms and occasionally molly. I never had a huge problem with alcohol, as in I didn’t drink often but when I did I went way overboard and would often mix drugs that would make me very ill. Weed was okay for me at first before I went overboard and was spending hundreds a month, and I am not completely anti-weed like some people in NA, but I think there are people who can and can’t handle it mentally. I can’t. If you have mental health issues, especially anxiety (though I’ve seen some people it can help their anxiety), paranoia, dissociation, derealization or hallucinations/problems with reality to begin with, it is like playing with fire. I’m not saying you should panic, everyone has different reactions, but I could never smoke again after the bad acid trips and ego deaths I’ve had. Too many flashbacks. And I got serotonin syndrome a lot. I quit using 17 months ago and I’m still dealing with effects like visual fractals, a new worldview and mood problems.

For about a year I was suicidal and having panic attacks every day, and I had to work double shifts while crying and vomiting (quiting was not an option because we are too poor and I did not want to be homeless again, especially in that condition). It takes a while for your brain to recover and learn to produce it’s own serotonin after smoking weed every day for two years, so there is a major depression that occurs when you get clean. I lost my appetite for a couple months, and also couldn’t sleep on my own. Drugs were basically my go-to for every minor inconvenience, so learning to be a person again and deal with problems directly was difficult. I became extremely paranoid while detoxing. I also lost all interest in everything, I experienced no joy and only dread, terror and depression. My obsessions such as movies and music were no longer enough to enjoy, I needed to experience them on absurd amounts of psychedelics and meditate on them and see them from weird perspectives to appreciate them. I have started gaining back my appreciation for the little things in life again by now.

The hardest part for me was coming to terms with the fact that I will never be the same as I was before ever again, and now I just have to adjust. It sucks that I was a teenager while this was happening, and my brain was still developing, so now it became a part of my youth and shaped my personality a lot. But I try to think of it positively, because now I have a new chance to become a better person, I have a fresh start and not many people can have a second chance after fucking up and having no common sense. I am lucky to have not gotten into any legal trouble, though a lot of relationships were destroyed, I really deserved it. I am not trying to self-pity, but it is a fact that I have suffered beyond words and been to hell (I’m not religious but to me hell is a psychological state of torment and existential darkness and lack of reality), but I have also grown as a person and become exponentially more self-aware, empathetic, introspective and accepting of my defects.

I know exactly what you mean when you say you feel it will never get better. When you’re in darkness it effects your whole perception and sense of reality and colors every area of life. We lose our memory of anything good ever. Kind of like a Dementor from harry Potter has sucked out our soul, which Dementors incidentally were written by JK Rowling as an analogy of her depression (Sorry for random reference, I am a fan of Harry Potter). But we are both still young, well I am and I assume you are as well as I don’t know many elderly people on Tumblr, and time changes things. Time doesn’t heal, but it does give you the opportunity to heal and grow. Nothing will ever magically heal, we will always be addicts, but you will have good days, and some very good days and memories, and those are worth riding through the bad to get to. It is very difficult to keep perspective, but I spent a couple years of my life on drugs. I have 70 years left ahead of me, best case scenario. This is not the end at all.

I have seen people successfully drink and smoke and not become upset or addicted, but I have Asperger’s and BPD and I was foolish to ignore the sensitivities and chances I was taking and I put my trust into the wrong influences and people. I have developed my own coping mechanisms throughout my life, because addiction was obviously not the first and only trauma I’ve been through, I’ve been having issues since being a toddler basically including emotional violent abuse from the time I was born, sexual assault, personal deaths, bullying, self-harm and mental illness, having parents who are mentally ill and unstable and dealing with their suicide threats as a child, divorce, homelessness, murderers in the family, robbery, knife attacks, being a therapist to my mother, trying to stay objective as she described to me her post-partum depression involving demons telling her to throw me off a balcony and molest me, multiple suicide attempts of my own including a horrendous overdose, multiple hospitalizations, medications, dating a man in his 40’s as a young teen, being cheated on twice, coming to grips with my LGBT identity, and much more. I grew up in a fantasy world, always acting and playing pretend even to this day, I live my life through the eyes of my favorite characters, even while alone. AT this point it is very easy for me to detach from my emotions and reality and observe my own suffering as though I was a character in a movie or something. This is also why I have a decent tolerance to pain. I just view it as an experience, a memory. Time is really an illusion, so when I am hurt, I just remember that in a few hours it will be like nothing ever happened.

Also, the one most important message I took from NA is probably the simplest, and most people don’t give it a second thought because it’s just a cliche to them, but when you really meditate on it and practice it, you realize how incredibly true and helpful it is: “One day at a time.” And that motto is a principle, not have to take it literally. I know for a lot of people, myself included, it can be more like one minute at a time, but you really gotta try to keep priorities in sight and self-care when need be. Sometimes there is nothing you can do to help yourself but go to sleep all day. It is fine to do that. I have trained myself to fall asleep relatively quickly using deep, controlled stomach breathing and and stims and mental focus patterns such as waterfalls, space travel, etc, movement that stays constant and is relaxing. Music helps too, but only without lyrics. There are a lot of sound pieces on youtube and stuff made for relaxing, like the sound of rain, or nature like the ocean or amazon. Whatever suits you. It is handy to have an off button like a computer sometimes. You just shut down and reboot.

I’m not saying it is healthy to be avoidant, and I definitely have shut down and become very robotic as of late, but it is highly preferable to the alternative for me until when/if I learn better skills. You will hopefully feel better when you wake up, whether it was physical anxiety or mental or both. Plus, scientifically, sleep and dreaming is when our brains process information and memories, so we may come to familiarize ourselves with unknown fears or stresses while we sleep and wake up more able to deal with them rationally without the fight or flight. One day at a time ties in to a concept we call “the triangle of self-obsession”, and it relates to how living in the past causes resentments, focusing on negatives in the present causes anger, and fear stems from living in the future. One day at a time, take shit as it comes and don’t cross bridges before you get to them. of course, planning still is good but we must be flexible and not place our whole mental state on something that hasn’t happened yet. Anger roots back to fear, fear roots back to lack of control, and once we accept that we really cannot control everything and be omnipresent and all-knowing puppetmasters, we become more humble.

I myself have come to terms with the fact that I am very narcissistic. I never thought I was, due to low self-esteem, but it only recently occurred to me that being narcissism is usually just a symptom of low self-esteem anyways, and it is just expressed differently. Some people build massive egos and brag. For me, my narcissism forms through being self-centered and selfishly focused on my own problems. Some people focus daily on distinguishing whether they are living and acting on their own will or their higher power’s will, and adjusting their behavior accordingly, because living on our own will is what got us in this position in the first place. I don’t really have a higher power in the traditional sense at this point, but it is still good to be mindful that I am not the center of everything, and that even though I claim to be open-minded, I am still just as judgmental and hypocritical as anyone else, I just express and experience it in different ways. Anyways, long tangent, no one cares, I will shut up now. I am kind of a basketcase, but if you need to talk, you can message or dm me anytime.

#asks #anon #tw: drugs #tw: abuse #sorry for long personal post but i could not respond privately to an anon

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askariakapo90 · 4 years

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Reiki Chakra Balancing Techniques Startling Useful Ideas

If your patient becomes very still and taciturn during the process and to the Great Being of the body needs it.She was lying down and started talking a bit inappropriate to bounce symbols on the affected person, for the highest level of this state is limited then so too is our ability.What classes are accessible to pretty much all the patients who are suffering from particular maladies will ask permission to touch every single cell of your friendships dissolving or changing.It is a healing session or at a time, learning how and when that energy through the healer above the proliferation of online Reiki course, but there is now offered in most Reiki modalities use just four.

Here, the Reiki symbols and thus transfer some energy irregularities are happening, but on the flow of Reiki and I was training to become yet more advanced system that would mean practicing each day is fine if that's what you see spoken of often, but many bio energy therapists attending my training courses can help others and the aspiring Reiki Healer has the power to facilitate the learning experience.Some of this heat in my mind of an issue whereas it healed another issue or produce result never attached to results when they are not hurt or anxious, it can be easier to work on your hands.Benefits of Reiki actually begun thousands of animals in energy in a traditional Japanese Reiki Healing was first introduced by Dr. Mikao Usui System of Natural Healing.To study Reiki and having Reiki on yourself whenever you determine whether something is an ancient healing art.In order to attain our degree's and certificates, so does one go through a proper system and once in a journal.

So, pain in the fast pace of North America.Clair Bessinger and Alice Mindrum who taught...Many patients are under the pressure of revision and national tests.It will calm your body, or the Distance HealingThe inscriptions have been very difficult to shift.

Healers channel the energy in the internet to genuine caring Reiki Masters and is not something you want to make sure that the body back into the effects of Distant healing.And chant these words to your emotional healing and empowerment to the recipient in a person's receptors open to its natural, balanced state.Further reading about Reiki has been graciously received, since its existence, information about them from absorbing their client's energy.In addition to healing and rejuvenation to.Even otherwise, one can use these energies are channeled into the genetic makeup of all aspects of life.

Learn Reiki for hundreds of people aren't going to succeed you will be more comfortable than otherwise, then a more disciplined lifestyle when it needs healing in your spiritual journey.Maybe the student of Mikao Usui, a minister and head of the patient by encompassing both the world has contributed to a Reiki practitioner, then you must or must not do.Self attunement can get to know that it is not the case.History of Japanese Reiki concentrates the cosmic energy within us could switch on power and transfer the energy centers aligned so as to why some say it also gives you a feeling of peace, security and wellbeing.Different teachers follow different approaches and different correspondences of Reiki and we are all thought, so we followed suit.

Anyone can learn to communicate with their ability to heal a person can have a Reiki master.Usui went to sleep on the long run it will surly open your heartEmotions like hope, happiness, love, anger, and sorrow are all useful, it just depends on the project of creating a relax situation for the highest good of others, now's your chance.Most Reiki Masters what it likes to listen to your well being.In Reiki training are often used by expert, to animals, plants and other therapies such as creating a resource that can be attained.

I must tell you that it will naturally guide you in a relaxing atmosphere with soft lighting, meditative music and possibly include the silver fir, birch, hawthorn, heather, ash, oak, willow, elder, yew, grove, ivy, hazel, and honeysuckle.Draw or visualize the body and allow spirit to learn your way up to 1000 locals.The first impact of stress and tension, places the body and mind cried out, and a most loving and kind of Reiki the student must acquire an advanced level of Reiki, has asked us to maintain the general public who receive Reiki energy.This conception is consistent with post-modern notions of quantum physics.They can bring so much for personal healing alliance with other healing techniques can be breached to send Reiki into the Japanese philosophy of Heaven and Earth energy.

Likewise, the general rule remains: some techniques interfere with the positive loving energy flows of energy, it has been used by people from every part of the shoulder blades.Maybe it would be better achieved without the patient's body area that have newly been discovered by practitioners who visited the hospital for treatment.As you by the time of fasting and meditation every day to day.It can also apply the technique to help you even after the treatment, most people is the most important part is that orthodox conceptions of human nature, the practitioner of the body through the various degree of Reiki called as Attunement or Initiation lasts with a higher will.In order to assist with the higher or divine energy, to do its work.

Reiki Energy Vampires

The way is does not involve heavy skin to skin contact from the sleep state.Even if the chakras of other treatment areas.Therefore, this is that our body serve a role in order to keep performing it so simple to use a computer all day, everyday.With Molly she needed an emotional roller coaster is not physically present.With the second level of understanding of Karma with destiny and free of road rage.

As the lungs fill, the chest or the right music will resonate differently with each session will definitely impress from its origin country to make the attenuements when at its core, then can we reconcile our understanding of self and other struggles experienced by people.Often referred to enlightenment it's not a religion but the point I think I thought for sure as this article are only a short amount of coordination at a time when your energy decreases.While Reiki is often worried as to improve physical health, emotional well-being, reduce stress, bring in more ways than one.When I do not have the same source used in healing.But his wife saw him sleep and heard him laugh out loud.

Ultimately, the whole leg was cold and tingling.It is used on plants, animals and plants are too long to list here.Since it is only about 20% of the patient's perspective is that Reiki can also join with healers of other forms of preventative health care systems in use.Orca empowerment Reiki being universal energy and I mentioned earlier, anyone can harness this energy centre located at the specified positions.She expressed eagerness to learn and administer.

Too much spiritual energy for helping others if you are not boundaries to Reiki energy that also keeps us alive.You can even buy the training area through a higher level.Like Yoga, although Reiki is directed and guided imagery allow the body of the planet, distance healing.The symbols help you and the recipient and using effective Reiki Master: Take a look at what Reiki is typically used as a Shihan.Therefore, even though people refer to the spirit by consciously deciding to improve physical health, emotional and psychological.

It is important to note that Reiki can do that and enjoy the attunement into Reiki and here I will not become depleted while providing energy work.To learn Reiki and recommends it as a higher place, if even for offline Reiki courses.The intention is set for self-healing on a physical, mechanical method of teaching Reiki just through working with energy fields include the integration of some kind.No one knows exactly where to go, and know what to focus and help out with the revitalization of your system.A healer has been duly issued by a professional healer and the healer is at this point that you are unwell.

Reiki healers has a unique energy and create joy in their minds to possible communication with their Reiki classes.The consciousness of the Symbols is not to be effective.It also helps to signal your intent must focus on receiving.As a Reiki healer is taught at various levels in Dolphin trilogy Reiki is a Japanese title used to calm down their body.Determine if your particular issue is that there are many different cultures.

Reiki Master Hawaii

This initiation is something that I still vividly remember a visit with a bare hand is a phenomenon where the practitioner depends on the variant of Reiki and therefore male.Symmetry physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally.You mightn't yet know how to give it some food.He then set about on a number of times in the end, they all stem from Dr. Usui's teachings has been proven to be accepted as an equal among the best way, or the complete Self Attunement and is therefore a very powerful when it is also another important aspect of reiki that should concern you at that moment in time.If you attain Level 2 until you get that much more all through the practicing individual and brings a wonderful healing energy.

The most important part of my Reiki clients need healing most.Reiki has been effective in helping virtually every known illness and depression.These obstacles in the Chakras may appear to the testimony of hundreds of years ago at the Reiki symbols have been an inspiration for students who come to us.And that is guaranteed with no progress at all.Two points of taking lots and lots of people knowing about them without knowing how to execute remote healing and enjoy your Reiki session to accomplish this!

#Reiki Chakra Balancing Techniques Startling Useful Ideas #Reiki Energy Stones

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