#being mentally ill and having high support needs because of adhd and autism is so exhausting

[thegenderclown]

i hate capitalism, i hate ads, i hate selling my soul and creativity for big companies, i hate companies, i hate this dystopian nightmare, i hate paying for everything extra, i hate paying for ad free, i hate money, i hate that I can't use tumblr without going insane with these shitty ads

[xxlovelynovaxx]

Hey, you piece of shit! Yeah, you!

Spinal cord injuries are literally a form of neurodivergence, asshole!

(Plaintext: Spinal cord injuries are literally a form of neurodivergence, asshole!)

How did you somehow fucking choose a condition that's LITERALLY ACTUALLY NEURODIVERGENT?!

Also, have you considered that NEURODIVERGENT CONDITIONS CAN BE PHYSICALLY DISABLING?! Even the less shitty exclusionists admit that if you find a condition physically disabling, it's a physical disability!

Y'all just don't believe that autism/ADHD can be physically disabling and forget that it's COMMON for high support needs autistic and ADHD people to have physical disabilities ranging from incontinence, to severe dyspraxia, to severe gait issues, to GI and pain and joint and mobility issues secondary to the neurodivergence! And you forget that neurodivergence includes other people that auDHD people, from people with Tourette's and eating disorders and seizure disorders to chiari malformations and parkinson's!

Also, hey! You can literally tag as [insert disability], you shitcunt! Because no, not all disabilities are the same, but actively erasing when disabilities DO have the same or exceedingly similar symptoms is just, get this, ableism!

Also, consider that most of us posting about neurodivergence in the cripplepunk tag are already physically disabled, you ignorant ableist fucktwat! Like hey, maybe I'm posting about my neurodivergence in the cripplepunk tag because I'm a physically disabled cripple myself that finds my neurodivergence as physically crippling as my physical crippality!

Maybe, just maybe, I've seen that when I fucking piss and shit the bed because I can't fucking move it doesn't matter if I can't move because of physical pain or executive dysfunction! Maybe I've realized that when I'm starving to the point of active malnutrition it doesn't matter whether it's because of mast cell hyperreactivity or that everything I eat causes bright yellow-orange fatty bloody diarrhea or because of my goddamned sensory issues (it's all fucking three, because my safe foods for one condition are not for the others!) because I'm still at risk of dying from ALL of them! Maybe I'm aware that I can't go back to fucking college or get a fucking job because I'm too sick AND too fucking mentally ill to do so and even if I fix one the other is just as fucking disabling!

Yeah, it's fucking exclusionist, because when you throw an ableist shitfit about neurodivergent physically disabled people daring to exist, about us advocating for neurodivergent people who consider themselves physically abled to be included in the conversations about the types oppression and violence and symptoms and struggles that they literally face too (not even all convos! just those!) and that the THOUSANDS of people who have been called mental cripples with hundreds of examples of literal medical literature that even shitty search engine GOOGLE will show should not have their reclamation gatekept... ESPECIALLY when all the people who have been called that in modern terms are higher support needs, "lower functioning" (if they choose to call themselves that) neurodivergent people, when you do that... you're literally excluding physically disabled people! Whether it's people like me who have separate conditions or people who are physically disabled by their neurodivergence!

"crippled-pvp". You literally summed it up right there. You named yourself for being laterally ableist. Go fuck yourself with my utter derision for you.

And you know what? Post about your SCI in neuropunk and neurodivergent, please!! We need more about the lesser talked about forms of neurodivergence! We need more acceptance and pride in neurodivergent conditions that aren't auDHD, but especially the more physical ones! If it affects your sanity or even perceived sanity, post in madpunk! Post in actuallyADHD if you have ADHD and it's even tangentially related to your SCI, I could easily make a dozen connections that someone with both might experience off the top of my head, such as executive dysfunction making it harder to do care tasks for the SCI.

That's literally all people are doing in reverse. Talking about physically disabling neurodivergence and being someone who happens to be both physically disabled and neurodivergent. So by all means, post about neurodivergent physical disabilities or having both in the goddamn neurodivergent tags, you insufferable goddamn waste of a cumstain.

Edit: If you disagree, just block me. I know DNIs won't stop bullies but DNFI with this post if you're a cpunk ex/clus. I'll just block you if you try. I'm physically disabled in a dozen different ways and I'm too fucking sick to deal with your bullshit.

[vergess]

I have a lot of issyes with antishippers calling me insane and that my father abandoned me.

My father is schizophrenia, and the reason he lives alone is because he would freak out and argue with my mother constantly. I am glad my father got an apartment complex, but he is gotten a lot worse, and he thinks the neighbors can hear him through the walls, and he literally believes that the neighbors are trying to get him kicked out or something, and he would believe the most random things.

There have been times when I have thought my mother was calling me over, but when I asked what she needed, she would look at me like I was crazy and tell me she had not called me over. Other times, I hear voices in my head that are not mine; they would not really tell me to do anything. the voices usually just talk about random things.

I pretended to be honest with my mother, telling her that I did not hear voices in my head because I did not want her to get any more unhappy after learning that the school had withheld the information about me having autism from her for years. .

I have adhd, mild autism and stickler syndrome

My father's side of the family has schizophrenia

It upsets me a lot when antishippers call me insane, etc. because it makes me feel like I and my father's side of the family are dangerous and insane.

First of all, I am so, so sorry that people are being cruel to you about your father. That behaviour isn't okay, and it's especially bad when they are taking advantage of his mental illness to do it.

At a professional level, my job is working with schizophrenic and schizoaffective patients to help the develop adult skills, and I want to say both objectively (that is, based on the existing research) and personally, that being schizophrenic does not make you a bad or violent person. In fact, you're much more likely to be a victim of violence as a schizophrenic than to commit violence yourself.

At worst, schizophrenia makes you scared. And yeah, scared people can be mean, but they aren't evil. The major symptom of schizophrenia, the one that ruins lives, is overwhelming fear. Not a secret urge to be violent, but absolute (that is, delusional) certainty that they are in danger.

In fact, it's worth remembering that from a global perspective, the voices that schizophrenics hear are often very good influences, encouraging social well being, and trying to "intervene" in high stress situations to help keep the schizophrenic person safe. It is only when a schizophrenic person is being traumatized that their voices become cruel and vicious.

As for telling your mother that you have been hearing voices:

That is your mind. You don't have to tell anyone about anything you don't want them to know. If you ever feel safe and secure enough to tell her, then that's great! But if you keep it private from her for the rest of your life, that's fine too. Your mind is your business, no one else's.

Plenty of schizophrenic people and others with hallucinations are able to lead happy and fulfilled lives, with or without medication. It sounds based on our past conversations like you may be in a good position to continue trying to live on your own without medical intervention.

But, if you ever do have to have intervention medically, please do not panic.

I would say that most schizophrenic people can comfortably live in society with fairly little physical support as long as they have 1) enough medication to keep their voices calm and kind even under stress, 2) a safe place to live.

You are not a danger to others just because you hear voices. Your father is not a danger just because he needs support to live on his own.

You are both just people.

And next time an antishipper says that shit to you, feel free to send me the post and I will fucking tear out their asshole on your behalf.

Because, like I said at the beginning: saying shit like that is unacceptable in all circumstances.

[greatfruitboo22]

I'm going to rant because I don't feel like I have anyone I can talk to about anything, really. I don't have money for a therapist, and I don't want to be a burden. I have been struggling and honestly the urge to just disappear is so fucking strong. First my mental health is pure shit right now. My depression at an all time high. All I want to do is is sleep. I have no motivation to eat, or do anything honestly. I can't sleep through the night. The only peace I have, no people to bother me and no one to prove myself to. Then I sleep all day, avoiding my responsibilities and others. I know part of it is because of my ADHD and Autism. Which until recently, I didn't realize I had both. And when I talk about it, I just get push back from my mom saying, "You aren't autistic I would know if you were. Or It only works if you have an official diagnosis, "but that means that it could be used against me because it's on a document that others can see. And that scares me. There are still so many places and people who use that against you. I'm scared that while I'm re-learning how to function without masking and not pushing myself back into burnout that someone will use it against me. I have gone back to a dark place where I want to die because I have lost my footing, and because I don't know where I'm going, it feels like a never-ending pit. I feel nothing and everything all at once. I don't feel like I have support anymore. Since my burnout, I quit my job that I liked because I couldn't handle being a mask, and getting statements like your face needs to show more emotion. I'm sorry that in order for me to function, I can't make faces. I don't want to smile to appease someone. Because I left that job, I have no money, one of my accounts negative, and when I think I fix it, it just gets worse. I started a new job, got two weeks in, and missed an entire week because all I could do was sleep. Depression isn't a real illness, so why did I miss it right? Jobs don't allow for mental illness days. Only sick days. But I am sick. Mental illness is a sickness of the brain. My brain that tells me these people can hear you make calls, they are judging you. They make fun of you behind your back. People are hard for me. I want friends, and I want to be kind, but eye contact makes me anxious, talking makes me anxious, and keeping conversations makes me anxious. I get anxious getting out of bed each day. I get anxious about eating in front of people. It's overwhelming. I am also dysforic. I started using they/them pronouns about a year ago, and only like five people in my life made an actual effort to use them. I am non-binary and while I still prefer femme presenting, I don't feel like a female. My family won't use my pronouns. My dad was confused and didn't try. My mom gets mad when I correct her. So many times I say those aren't my pronouns I get back no one will use those for you, how do others know, you aren't correcting them, you are my daughter. My aunt barely accepts I'm bisexual. My sister tried for a little while but stopped when it got too hard for her. I just want to feel like me in my skin. I am dealing with weight gain due to PCOS, and I hate it. I feel like I can't lose any weight. I want to live somewhere without the rest of my family, but I cannot physically afford to live on my own. Everything is so expensive. It feels like all these things are just piling on, and I want it to stop. I want to feel some freedom. I feel so isolated in the place I am in right now. Everyone around me is growing up and moving on. I don't feel like I have friends anyone. I don't know who is there anymore. Not that I would ever say anything about how I feel. I just wish I could breathe.

[normal-with-adhd-is-a-joke]

I posted 3,660 times in 2022

899 posts created (25%)

2,761 posts reblogged (75%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@normal-with-adhd-is-a-joke

@daughter-of-sapph0

@fandomfan315

@somethingusefulfromflorida

@genderfluid-and-confuzled

I tagged 1,650 of my posts in 2022

#ableism tw - 239 posts

#unreality tw - 36 posts

#religion tw - 32 posts

#christianity tw - 30 posts

#death tw - 26 posts

#do not reblog - 24 posts

#cfs - 22 posts

#abuse tw - 21 posts

#cripplepunk - 20 posts

#actually disabled - 18 posts

Longest Tag: 133 characters

#i'm on an antiviral‚ an antidepressant‚ a prescription nsaid‚ two allergy medicines‚ two vitamins‚ and a sedative-hypnotic sleep pill

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

I wrote this article about my experiences with religion as a disabled person. I get a small commission (less than a cent) from each read but it adds up pretty quickly. Reblogging, reading, and sharing this article will directly put money in a disabled person's pocket without taking any out of yours!

683 notes - Posted November 8, 2022

#4

[Image ID: the handshake meme. One hand is labeled "cripplepunk" and the other is labeled "trendercore". Where they meet in the middle, the text reads "recognizing that pleasing the oppressor is not as important as the safety and happiness of the oppressed".]

Was trying to figure out why I vibed so much with trendercore as a cis disabled person and I figured it out

alternatively

See the full post

689 notes - Posted July 18, 2022

#3

while I was doing research on autism I found out that while social impairments exist from birth, they might not "fully manifest until social demands exceed limited capacities". The first time I had to interact with people daily was in high school and that's when all my social issues started. I've been doubting if I actually am autistic but like, there it is, the actual CDC having a counterpoint for the exact reason the autism clinic wouldn't diagnose me.

1,742 notes - Posted May 17, 2022

#2

I love you physically disabled people. I love you spoonies. I love you cripples. Iove you zebras. I love you wheelchair users. I love you cane users. I love you crutch users. I love you people with prosthetics. I love you service dog teams. I love you other mobility aid users. I love you chronically ill people. I love you terminally ill people. I love you people with skin differences. I love you people with limb differences. I love you people with facial differences. I love you people with autoimmune conditions. I love you people with gastrointestinal conditions. I love you people with heart conditions. I love you people with chronic pain. I love you people with chronic fatigue. I love you people who faint. I love you people who have seizures. I love you people with mental health problems on top of or because of your physical disability. I love you people with disabilities I don't know about or didn't mention.

7,328 notes - Posted July 4, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Filming people without their consent is a massive issue of not only privacy but ableism that's been going on for many years.

It started out with filming more visibly disabled people, like high support needs autistic people having meltdowns in public and (especially fat) disabled people literally just using mobility aids, but once that was deemed less acceptable it moved to other things. Filming people acting "weird" in public. Eating weird foods. Falling asleep in weird places. Wearing weird things. Stimming. You get the idea. It's no longer safe to be visibly weird in public and that's an issue for a lot of disabled people. I recently had to lay down on the floor of a department store because I had an ME crash while out shopping. Not only did I have to worry about the normal things like people coming up to ask me if I'm ok, I also had to worry about some video of me at my lowest point, when I'm suffering immensely, being shared around as "haha look at this weird bitch on the floor". It's upsetting. It's scary.

And then there's fakeclaiming. A fun trend where people will film us in public to "prove" there's some kind of huge epidemic of people faking disability. Spoiler alert: there is not. Most of the time the people they film are real disabled people who don't fit into the expected mold for disability, usually service dog teams or people who use mobility aids who don't "look sick". And you would think this trend would be some kind of abled nonsense, but it's not. It's often other disabled people doing the fakeclaiming. Yes, there are some times when it's obvious a service dog isn't trained properly, but other than that, it's damn near impossible to tell if someone is faking a disability, and you're much more likely to target a disabled person than a faker. I'd love to say this trend was new, but it's been going on since the days of "the people of walmart" where many of the people posted were fat mobility aid users, always with the assumption that they used it because they were too fat or lazy to move on their own. In fact, the image of a fat person in a mobility cart has become almost synonymous with "lazy". It's one of the things that drove me to get my own expensive power wheelchair, to avoid the judgmental stares in the grocery store when I was just trying to exist, to avoid the fear of public shame. Even now when I stand up from my chair to walk to the bathroom stall or reach something on a high shelf, I watch the corners of my vision for that telltale phone in the air. I feel like I'm never safe from the judgemental eye of the internet, even when I'm logged off, and I'm sure I'm not the only person who feels that way.

Tik Tok, YouTube, Instagram, these places are all great for disabled people, especially those of us without access to the outside world. But it's also become a source of great anxiety for anyone who's uncontrollably "weird", mostly disabled people. Leave us alone, I'm begging you, we just want to go to the fucking grocery store in peace and safety.

Tl;dr

Stop filming people for "acting weird" or "faking a disability" in public. It's ableist, it's invasive, it's creepy, and it's humiliating. People don't exist in public for your amusement and especially not disabled people. You don't know who is disabled and who isn't no matter how many disabled people you've known or how sure you are that the person is faking.

27,223 notes - Posted July 15, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[somecrazybitch]

It's funny that the following is 100% true & happened in the 2020s.

When in university, I persued institutionalisation. I was unwell due to undiagnosed Adhd & Autism, as well as suffering from a slew of mental health issues & a confusing list of diagnoses that in theory ought to be paired with through treatment. I was in a sorry state & unable to properly care for myself let alone fulfill my duties as a student. I was characterised by an undulating tidal wave of high periods and low periods. In the high periods I headed social events, got involved in school positions, got employed in two separate organisations. In the low I would vanish apart from class, not eat, & cry as I ironed my shirts for the morning after getting home past 1 from the cursed promises "high mood me" had signed up for.

I was unable to secure the help I was looking for from the healthcare system. I find it odd humoures to think about retrospectively, knowing what I know now. The reason I was not provided help, is because if the stark, sharp, & ultimately artificial line drawn within the healthcare system between the physical & the mental.

Neurodivergany is often put in the category of physical illnesses within the NHS despite it having to do with the brain, so when someone is "institutionalised" due to high support needs from autism for example (if someone was incapable of feeding, or clothing themselves, or of paying their bills and calling for home repairs when needed without help) they might get a carer (& a social worker) perhaps they might be sent to a care home for ppl with complex needs.

When a person is suffering from mental illness, they look for harm to the self or others in a far more direct way normally, before they send you to the mad house.

Instead, I got my degree, year & chapters passed. (Getting stuck in central Europe with a lover due to a global plauge & disruption of the political union that allowed us to travel in the first place. Fleeing to the north of the country after graduation, being temporarily without a home & being taken in by an old woman who had lived in this new city for decades and ran multiple houses. She had my partner do work in the houses until we found a gas leak & when she refused to close the house down, we fled again in the night. We quickly managed to go back to renting and stayed in the city for the next 3 years.)

One of my dearest friends passed away days after I spoke to him. The funeral was to be family only, despite him having told me of his deep discontent in the family days before his death. I fell & festered miles & miles away, unable to say goodbye as he was put in to the ground. Once again I felt the damned knock of a bottomless low calling to me, & in madness I surrendered.

He had once been my lover, but had always remained my friend. I could not speak words to do justice to him, so I painted, I continued as my partner packed for our new home. I found myself in an empty room with a canvas & paint on the night we made our way across the city to our current dwellings. A car horn snapped me back & away we went.

After a year of unbearable solitude & insanity at the new house (which I cocooned myself within) I snapped. I called my love, my partner, & let him know I no longer wanted to live. He had been visiting someone far away and arranged to take a train back to meet me. After much ugliness & tragedy, we had a brilliant idea.

We would abandon all that ailled us on this godforsaken island, and fly away to Paris.

So we made our way to the airport, whilst furiously booking things, and found ourselves in Paris that same night.

I spent a month & and a half in Paris. We were truly blessed to have found one of the best most wonderful places in the world to be.

The house was ran by a marvelous matriarch. She was everything one should hope to become. Kind, open, honest, calm, happy. Her home had a large garden that she shared with tutles, two digs & 4 cats, as well as budgies that came and went freely. A small pond nestled under a willow, & benches at the back of the garden provided a delightful view of the wrought-iron chairs that hid below a canopy near the house. A stone round table provided a regularly used place for cheese plater, red wine, and cigarettes.

Occasionally, her breathtaking daughter would sit and smoke green with me .(I must admit I'm a bit in love with her, I think she was in her early 30s, she modelled for some time, studied, rebelled, and lived happily.)

Paris was a dream in every sense. When it came time to graciously relinquish my rooms back to my host, I moved even closer to the center. A frighteningly high up apartment in a vibrant neighbourhood. The hallway would send shivers down the spine of anyone, but the grimes of Berlin ravers, at the top of it was my sanctuary. A lovely flat with a handsome young parisian man who was the roomate of my host. The kitchen window let one see the skies of paris, as did the one in my bedroom, from which I watched the rooftop garden parties, the cats walking amongst the chimneys, and below the old man who owned the taloirs play with his grandson. I still can't believe it but I dined with an amazing girl from Brazil who was studying law. She inspired me so much and truly made me feel alive again. Her freind was a sweet and funny ballerina, I cherished their acquaintance whilst I was there.

Eventually I moved on from Paris, it is truly the best city in the world that I have ever known, sorry new york.

Now I sit, many chapters later. A warm faux fire by my feet, a green smoke in my smoke holder (fashioned to resemble a wand by my love) resting on a diamond shaped glass ashtray, with lana del rey playing as I read The Odessey. Back in my cold, wet, British city. A storm rages outside, they call her Isha. The problems that made me leave are all still real, my feud with the bigot next door was never resolved, my love is sick, and we haven't found a cure, a million other worries await my attention.

But I smile and feel calm. Now I have my castle of ice and snow in Sweden. I can't believe I'm going to be a homeowner this year, a deed in my name, 6 bedrooms, a beautiful kitchen, and most importantly; safety and privacy. In April I will go back and ses my first Swedish spring, and have the keys to my new home.

I feel now more than I have in years that everything may be possible again. I'm excited.

I feel at the back of my mind that we will have another war soon, and safety may be compromised, but I have so many plans, and the story must go on.

[chaoticautie]

People who think I’m not “really” autistic or describe me as “high-functioning” really don’t know anything about what being on the spectrum is like as an afab adult who is somewhat normally verbal and has an above average IQ.

They don’t see the horrible executive dysfunction. They don’t see when I have horrible meltdowns in public that make me go nonverbal, cry, scream, lash out, and burn out. They don’t see that I’m hyperverbal BECAUSE I’m autistic and also have ADHD, and I also HAD to talk a lot as a way to express myself and it’s soothing, even when it exhausts me and I don’t feel like talking much I still feel the urge to talk when I don’t even need to. They don’t see my more subtle, unconventional, or negative/harmful stims. They don’t see my awkwardness because I can’t POSSIBLY be autistic since I’m an afab adult. They don’t see how physically painful loud sounds, bright lights, bad tastes, smells & textures, and too much social interaction are for me. They don’t see how hypervigilant I actually am when I’m interacting with them, and how I just always know that I’m somehow being “weird” when I’m talking to NTs. They don’t see just how hard it is for me to muster up the courage and motivation to wake up, get dressed, and put on my carefully decorated mask before I go out into a world that wasn’t made for me and will never truly accept & support me every single day. They don’t see that the many comorbid mental illnesses I suffer from are because of the ableism-rooted traumas I’ve endured since I was a child.

They don’t ACTUALLY see my autism, they only think they do, when in reality they take one look at me and then dismiss me and my experiences because I’m nothing like the idea of what all auties are like that they’ve concocted in their feeble and nearsighted non-autistic minds. They don’t see that I struggle with both stereotypical “high-functioning” AND “low-functioning” struggles because that’s how the spectrum fucking works, it’s not a linear line but more like a wheel with several different varying traits. They don’t think I’m really autistic because I’m not a 5 year old boy with moderate to severe intellectual delays who likes trains and head bangs all the time.

THAT is why I hate functioning labels. It has severely harmed and damaged me for most of my life. It is why I was diagnosed so late, it is why my parents still don’t believe I’m autistic, it is why many people don’t believe me when I tell them I’m autistic, it is why I STILL struggle to open up about my autism and why I STILL struggle to thrive in this world.

[compassionatereminders]

as someone who doesnt appear autistic to other people but has high support needs its incredibly frustrating for me when other ADHD/autistic people try to downplay my struggles because i appear "high functioning" or as having low support needs. i want to thank you for being brave enough to point out this inequality and alienation within our own community. i am really sick of other autistic people rejecting some images of autism just because its not pretty and not highlighting other neurodivergencies' struggles because it doesnt match the vibe theyre trying to paint neurodivergency as. and i think tumblr and tiktok both play a huge role in this, especially when someone brings up something thats a struggle nearly every neurodivergent people go through and act as though its only autism or only ADHD that has that trait and when someone points that out its always "dont derail this post, make your own". i think schizo spec and personality disorders suffer from this the most because its doesnt fit what the autism community is trying to paint itself to be <3

I'm glad you can see where I'm coming from. Because apparently it isn't just schizo spec people who get affected by these ableist attitudes - but also high support autistic people and autistic people who are also mentally ill. This only makes it so much more important to have a conversation about it!

[tomasorban]

THE STORY OF REISHI AND ITS BENEFITS

Reishi mushroom (Ganoderma ) has different species that can be found in the wild in both the East and West.

What’s more, all species have a history of health or medicinal benefit. It’s the most popular medicinal mushroom documented in the Eastern world, specifically in China and surrounding Asian countries.

Here’s the story of its amazing benefits:

HELPS INCREASE IMMUNITY

One of the ancient medicinal purposes associated with reishi mushroom in the past was its ability to strengthen the body to fight disease and weakness.

Turns out what the ancient cultures who used it were perceiving? A natural boost in immunity.

Back then, a brew of the tough mushroom could help fight illnesses like colds and flu among many others. Today studies show this to be very possible, but that this could also apply to other immune-related conditions—even autoimmunity.

In fact, with the help of reishi, any unwanted infection or disease can be better handled owing to its antioxidant properties.

ANTIOXIDANT

Which leads us into reishi’s next health benefit: its antioxidant properties, which are the important foundation of its immune-boosting benefits.

Studies show that extracts of reishi mushroom protect against oxidative stress, even in severe cases.

Oxidative stress is caused by free radicals, or rogue cells that cause chronic inflammation. This type of inflammation leads to a wide range of diseases and health problems.

What this means: taking reishi extract is much like (and possibly more effective than, or a complement to) eating foods known to be high in antioxidants, such as dark leafy greens, dark berries, or other foods.

HELP STIMULATE BETTER HEALTH AT THE CELLULAR LEVEL

Part of reishi’s stunning health benefits—antioxidant, immune-boosting, and otherwise—have much to do with how its compounds interact with human cells at the microscopic level.

As it so happens, the most powerful antioxidants (like reishi) stimulate an incredibly healthy and natural process called autophagy in the body.

Stimulating autophagy is much like jump-starting the body’s natural self-cleaning process, which can support mitochondria, protect the cellular integrity, and get rid of dead and harmful cells that cause chronic inflammation.

In fact, studies show reishi stimulates autophagy to such an extent that it can reduce cancer risk.

REISHI COULD CUT DOWN ONE’S RISK OF CANCER

When one takes stock of immune-boosting benefits, antioxidant potential, and enhanced mitochondrial health, this means some very good things for cancer protection—even cancer support.

A 2016 review on reishi and its potential against cancer agrees.

There are many studies showing that this mushroom could be promising for not only reducing the risk of getting cancer, but that it could also help fight cancer in cancer patients, or support current cancer treatment.

Still, studies suggest that reishi is far from ever being called a treatment, support, or even a remedy, though the data so far is quite encouraging.

HELP REDUCE CHRONIC INFLAMMATION

Beyond its possible helpfulness for major diseases, this fungus of Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) healing could help with even more subtle conditions and health issues beyond major ones like cancer.

Because it is an immune-boosting antioxidant, reishi can and does help with certain types of inflammation and inflammatory-related diseases.

This may include inflammatory pain issues, skin inflammation, and even allergies and asthma, according to a 2014 study.

It’s no replacement for NSAID’s or over-the-counter medications like ibuprofen or acetaminophen, but as a long-term holistic supplement, it may just provide more natural benefits—and without any known harmful side effects.

HELP WITH AGING MORE GRACEFULLY

Another understated health benefit of reishi, but with great importance to all of us: reishi mushroom could help us age better.

Again, this all comes down to its antioxidant and free radical-protective abilities, which can put a stop to tissue degeneration, aging, and weakness.

The way it could help with aging is incredibly multi-faceted, too. Long-term use of the mushroom may possibly reduce wrinkles and older appearance due to its antioxidant activity, for example.

But there’s lots more to it than that. As we age, many organ systems may decline—most notably, brain function, though there are others.

FOCUS AND MEMORY

As we age, brain function may be the first thing to go the older we get.

Now we know that, with the right diet and nutritional efforts, we can forestall this—especially with help of antioxidants, which reishi is chock full of.

Turns out, studies show reishi mushroom has very specific anti-inflammatory actions that may protect nerves and neurons from inflammation—inflammation that can lead to memory problems, for example.

Though beyond improving memory in just the elderly, it can also have perks for brain function in just about anyone, including those who may struggle with brain fog.

REDUCE THE RISK OF NEUROLOGICAL DISORDERS

Tying in with its neuroprotective abilities to boost brain function, reishi could also help to protect the brain and nervous system in a much bigger away: against neurological disorders.

Most notable is the most major disorder involving brain function, memory, and cognition decline, Alzheimer’s disease.

In fact, one study showed that reishi could not only be helpful to reduce the cognitive decline in Alzheimer’s, but could also potentially do so for a wide swathe of neurological disorders of all kinds with similar symptoms and issues.

This could include conditions like ADHD or autism, but also mood disorders.

IMPROVE MENTAL HEALTH AND MOOD DISORDERS

Protection of the nervous system also means great things for mental health and mood disorders. Stress and depression, anxiety, the whole works.

This is because antioxidant protection against inflammation in nerves can also improve mood, which reishi can help with, according to research.

One study even showed the extract had both anti-depressant and anti-anxiety effects, though more studies will be needed before calling reishi a possible supplement to or replacement for medications.

Additionally and indirectly, reishi could help people get better quality sleep by reducing anxiety over the long-term, which is also shown in this study.

HELP BOOST HEART HEALTH

Especially as people begin to age, taking care of heart health is a huge question and concern.

Can reishi help with this aspect of health too? Yes.

Studies show the traditional medicinal fungus could benefit the body in one of the best ways to protect heart health: it could help naturally lower blood pressure.

In addition to classic approaches to heart health and reducing heart disease risk—like exercise, eating more dietary fiber, and nutritious foods—long-term use of reishi, such as a supplement, could give heart health the extra boost it needs to stay in tip-top shape.

PROTECT HEALTH OF THE LIVER AND KIDNEYS

The brain, nerves, and heart aren’t the only systems and organs reishi can help to protect.

Studies show that reishi could have hepato-protective or liver-protective benefits.

What’s more, these benefits could be powerful enough to combat fatty liver disease. Though, for the average person, they could provide benefits as simple as improving liver health and helping with the body’s natural processes of detoxification.

That’s right: reishi could be considered a detoxifying herb, especially considering that studies show it may also naturally help protect the kidneys and even support Chronic Kidney Disease,the second-most important detoxifying and cleaning organs after the liver.

BOOST GUT HEALTH

Last but not least, reishi could do some favors for one of the most important systems of all, the digestive system.

Studies show reishi may function like a prebiotic for the gut (not unlike fiber), meaning it helps feed and sustain beneficial gut bacteria.

In addition to its antioxidant benefits, this could help further soothe any chronic inflammation in the digestive system. It can also help enhance nutrient absorption, and thus improve overall health.

And that’s not all: reishi can help alter the gut in such a way that it can improve one’s ability to lose weight, according to studies.

IMPROVE WEIGHT AND ATHLETIC PERFORMANCE

This brings us seamlessly into reishi’s next health benefit. Reishi can help improve metabolism, manage weight, and reduce the risk of obesity.

One way it does this: by improving gut health, though reishi has another angle in how it helps with metabolism and weight loss.

Studies show that supplementation of the mushroom has such great antioxidant benefits that actually naturally help improve athletic performance.

By doing just a little bit more to make exercise and workouts a tad bit easier, weight loss can be more manageable and attainable—and can be good for health in other ways, too.

HELP WITH FIBROMYALGIA

One of the most interesting things reishi has shown potential for in the health world: fibromyalgia.

Fibromyalgia is a disorder of the nerves causing people to feel pain even if there is no cause. But apparently, reishi may help fibromyalgia pain.

Research shows it could someday be considered one of the most effective botanical remedies for the condition with further research. It could also help improve symptoms enough to help with mobility and especially with the ability to exercise, according to another study.

Since reishi is also an anti-inflammatory, it could help pain from fibro if used over the long-term.

[afoolforatook]

A RWBY V7 Ep12 rant.....When I say this is long..... Legit was fucking 37 pages double spaced at one point. Sorry....

Before this gets started I want to warn you, this is long (even longer than I thought it’d be going in). It’s probably too long ... actually it is definitely too long but if I agonize over editing it down again and again I won’t get it up before the finale. It’s probably repetitive at times, and most certainly not anything I’ll be showing off as an example of my top essay writing. And I want to be able to say that the length pays off because I have some grand hopeful insight at the end. I want to say I know things will be okay. But the fact that I can’t is exactly why I’m writing this, and why it’s so long. So if you need this to have a hopeful ending, I’m sorry, I don’t have one for you currently. I want to, so badly. But to me false hope would be even worse.  So if you can’t handle another long post that doesn’t end with a way to fix things, it’s okay, take care of yourself. But maybe the most hopeful thing I can tell you, and tell you up front, is that you aren’t alone in your pain. 

I want to preface this all with one more thing: I don’t hate CRWBY. I respect them, support them. I’ve wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt as much as I could.  That doesn’t mean I can’t criticize them or expect more from them or just be plain angry with them. I can be vocal about all of that without harassing them, without hating them. I don’t think they’re just plain evil or homophobic. I still want to believe that they can do things that will allow me to trust them again. Maybe it’s naive, but I want to, at the very least, still have hope that this wasn’t malicious, just very poorly conceived and executed. 

And I know that other people who are hurting like me are lashing out towards CRWBY. And while I don’t at all condone that kind of reaction, I can understand it to an extent. Because I’m very, very hurt and angry and it would be so easy to let loose and say all the awful stuff I want to in my anger. To yell and call people out and not care how I come across. It would definitely be a lot easier than spending all week writing this long thing and agonizing over making it perfect. There is nothing wrong with venting and being raw and open and angry, but just as we want CRWBY to be aware that their actions can truly hurt people, we need to be conscious of the fact that so can ours.  Many people are very hurt right now. And whether or not you think it was queerbaiting/BYG or not, or even whether or not you just think it was bad writing, no one has the right to invalidate the people who are hurting right now, many of whom are queer people dealing with personal traumas and mental illness. 

The few people who are attacking CRWBY and other fans (and there is a difference between being angry and vocal about that anger and just attacking them) do not invalidate the hurt people are feeling. If you are hurt or angry you have every right to be. You have every right to stop watching the show or leave the fandom, or communicate your hurt to CRWBY. But communicate means just that; communicate. Talk. You can be as angry as you are, you don’t have to temper your pain to be more tolerable to the people who caused that pain. But there is a difference between being harsh and honest about how hurt you are, and harassing real people. And I won’t say “harassing real people over a fictional character/show” because I know it’s more complicated than that. My hurt this past week isn’t over a fictional character or a ship. It’s about me and what I’ve been through and the fact that the very thing that gave me strength in hard times was turned into something that confirmed my biggest fears and hurt me immensely. 

The world always gets so sentimental when we see things about fictional stories giving people some comfort, and we celebrate that. But as soon as people say they can be hurt just as much by media, we lash out, say they’re overreacting, that they’re just getting upset over fictional characters. But you can’t have it both ways. We can’t want fiction to be important and inspiring to people and then belittle people who are negatively impacted by the same material, especially when often that vulnerability comes from a history of trauma and/or being neurodivergent. I am extremely hurt. I feel betrayed and abandoned and angry. And it will take time for me to process all of that and move past it. But I can be all of those things without attacking CRWBY or the people who might disagree with me. 

To me, this isn’t about disagreeing. We can argue forever about whether or not this was queerbaiting or bury your gays or poor writing (and I honestly at this moment don’t even know what I think about all of that because I’m not in that headspace currently) but the fact is that there are many, many people who feel it was, and who are hurting because of that, and whether you believe it was or not does not give you the right to invalidate the real pain that they are feeling.  Who is right is less important than the fact that people, people who were already vulnerable, have been hurt. So, please. Respect each other. Respect those who are hurting. Respect those who aren’t and don’t understand, and respect CRWBY. You can still be angry and speak out without attacking others. 

With that said, to fully understand why this has affected me so much, and why it’s going to take a long time for me to get back to where I was, regardless of how the volume ends, there are things you need to know about my history. It’s a lot of background and this is already going to be a longer post than I’d really like, but it’s important to understanding why RWBY is so important to me, and thus able to have such a negative effect on me. So please, bear with me. Also, fair warning, though at this point it’s probably obvious, but my story isn’t happy. I still haven’t found my own positive ending to it. If it’s too much for you to read right now, please, like I said before, take care of yourself. 

I guess I should introduce myself. My name is Farley. I’m 24, nonbinary (they/them), biromantic, demisexual. I have MDD, GAD, ADHD, Panic Disorder, OCD, Comorbid PTSD, and am trying to get an official autism diagnosis. I’m a full on alphabet soup. I struggle with imposter syndrome, intrusive thoughts, self-isolation, dermatillomania, and multiple trauma related phobias. My queer and neurodivergent identities are huge parts of my life and I try to be as open as possible about them, in the hopes of helping end the stigma around them. One of the main ways I cope with my mental health issues on a day to day basis is through hyperfixations. While it might not technically be the healthiest method, it’s what I’ve found to work for me when I’m in a really bad place and unable to practice more active coping skills. Through stories and characters that I relate to, I can separate my problems from myself a little and both escape from them for a while when needed, and view them a little more clearly from a new perspective.  

That’s some important info about me, but what really matters here is the past five years of my life and the trauma within them. 

In October of 2015, a few months into my sophomore year of college, I went into a deep depression, mostly brought on by multiple family deaths and stresses over the past summer that I had not properly had time to process and recover from. I quit my job as an RA and withdrew from school and moved back home with my parents.  While this was the right decision at the time, it wasn’t easy. I left a very close group of friends at school, and didn’t really have a strong support system at home aside from my parents. My friends from high school had all gone off to college themselves, and the few that still lived in town were often busy with work or school. And because I have an intense fear of driving and needed time to get myself in a better place before starting a job, I ended up spending most of my time home alone. I became more and more isolated, to the point of verging on agoraphobic, and my parents and I started thinking about ways I could basically get my life started again. 

 But isolation messes with your head, and makes you want to just isolate more and more. In mid February of 2016 I started to really work on being social again. Mostly because I started talking to my best friend from high school, Emma, regularly again. She knew I was struggling, and while I’ve always had a hard time keeping in touch with people, Emma has always been the person I never felt self conscious about going to. We talked everyday. After high school, Emma’s mom and younger brother had moved to Ohio (I live in NC) and Emma had gone to school in Oregon. Her father lives in Germany. So between visiting her family in Ohio and Germany she didn’t have a lot of time during breaks to come back to NC to visit friends. Since we graduated I’d only seen her once for about 12 hours during that awful summer. But now we were skyping and chatting everyday. And slowly I started to be less and less scared of being more social. I wanted to hang out with friends. I was excited about going back to school in the fall. 

Something important to understand about me and Emma is how close we’ve always been. We’d been best friends since 8th grade. We told each other we were soulmates, soulfriends, when we were 15. Nearly everyone in our small high school thought we were dating at one time or another. I always knew I loved her. I was fine with our relationship being “only” platonic. Because platonic wasn’t “only”. It was absolutely perfect. It was having her as one of the most important people in my life, and me in hers, and that’s all I wanted. But I also knew that if she ever wanted to try a romantic relationship, I’d be open. 

Around the time I left school Emma had been going through a lot herself. She was finally getting help for her own mental health issues and she was, for the first time, really thinking about her identity and sexuality. On May 4th 2016 she texted me like always, but this time she was nervous. She wanted to tell me something. She said she was still confused about her sexuality and didn’t know where she fell. But when she tried to think of being with someone, the only person she pictured was me. And I told her basically what I just told you. So we started talking about testing out us being a couple. She had already been planning to come to NC to visit after she went to Ohio later that month for her brother’s high school graduation. And my parents were going on a two week vacation around that time as well. So we decided that she would come and stay with me for two weeks. We would keep this to ourselves until then, so that we could see if this was really the best thing for us. And if so, then we’d tell people. We’d always talked about living together after school, but now we wanted to see exactly what we wanted our relationship to be. She bought a bus ticket for May 26th and would stay through June 10th or so, which would mean she’d be there for her 20th birthday on June 5th. We talked everyday about our plans for her visit. How excited we were, how we could cook dinner together and dance around the house in our underwear, and just get to be Us again. We talked to friends, planning to visit friends from high school and maybe even my friends from college.

On May 18th I texted Emma around 11 pm. I hadn’t heard from her all day which was unusual but she was in Ohio celebrating her mom’s birthday and getting ready for her brother’s graduation that weekend, so she was probably just busy. We’d told each other goodnight every night for months at that point. So I told her I loved her and was so excited to see her in just over a week.

The next morning it was a bit odd that she still hadn’t texted me back but again, I just assumed she was busy with family. And then the mail came, and the last part of a birthday present I was making for her arrived. So I got to work, giddy. 

Around 2 pm my other best friend from high school, Juli, called me. For some reason I decided I’d just call her back later, I was too engrossed in making Emma’s present. About 20 minutes later I heard a knock on my door and turned to see my parents standing in the doorway to my room. I vividly remember spinning around happily and saying “Hey! Everything okay?” even as I noticed the tears on my dad’s face and how pale my mom was. My stomach knotted and I stood as my mom said “N-no. Honey…..” and walked towards me. I took a deep breath, preparing myself for her to say that a grandparent or aunt or uncle had died. But as she got closer and put a shaking hand on my shoulder, I got a little more confused, a different kind of scared. One of my cousins? One of my baby cousins?  

Nothing could have prepared me for her telling me that there’d been an accident in Ohio. That Emma, and her mom, and her brother, and her aunt had been in a crash…. And that all four of them had been killed on impact. The only thing I remember about the rest of the night is the pain of continuously screaming, punching the wall until my dad stopped me, and calling my friends from college, trying to have someone to talk to, someone who I could call who wouldn’t also be mourning. I couldn’t handle my own grief, let alone anyone else’s at that moment. 

There’s a lot more to that story. There’s the memorial service in Ohio and meeting her dad and stepmom for the first time. There’s the service we put together at our high school and seeing our friend group all together again, except not. There’s the panic attacks every time I saw a garbage truck, or my parents drove off to work. 

But most importantly for what you need to know right now, is my sliding back into isolation. I barely ever saw my friends from home and every time I did for the next two years it had something to do with mourning Emma. I saw my college friends a few times; them coming to visit or me taking a bus to stay the weekend. But eventually they went back to school and I stayed at home. I drifted away from high school friends because I didn’t know how to handle being with them when everything we did together reminded me of what I’d lost. I didn’t know how to talk to them because I needed their support but knew I didn’t have it in me to be supportive of them, and that wasn’t fair. I drifted away from my college friends for the same reasons, and even more so as the group dynamic that I had left slowly changed and faded until I didn’t know who was talking to who anymore and I again felt bad for dumping my shit on them when I couldn’t do the same. I began to think that all I brought to any social interaction was my pain and hopelessness. I would just bring everyone else down. They shouldn’t have to deal with my pain. So a year after I left school I was even more alone. I’d lost or pushed away all the people in my life that I’d expected to be lifelong friends, family. And I didn’t know how to begin to fix that. I didn’t know if I wanted to. I didn’t know if I deserved to. 

The only reason I was even still alive was because anytime I even got close to thinking about hurting myself, I could just sense Emma glaring at me, yelling at me, telling me that I couldn’t let this stop me from living out all those dreams we’d talked about. And I knew that my life wasn’t just mine anymore, that all those dreams, that bond, the parts of my favorite person that only I knew, would be lost if I died. 

But I didn't have my friends to vent to, and as supportive as my parents were (I’d told them and a few close friends about me and Emma that first terrible week) I needed friends. But I didn’t know how to reconnect and I was too scared to go out and meet new people, especially knowing that at some point I’d have to drop the “dead girlfriend” bomb on them, and who’d want to stick around after that?  So I tried to use media and hyperfixations to pull myself out of spirals, like I always had. But it was hard. Because most of the things that had been comforting before were all things I’d shared with Emma, and so now they were just more reminders of her absence. And even new things I found soon turned rotten because I couldn’t help but think about how I wish I could show it to Emma. Everything that made me happy for even a moment would pretty soon make me sad. 

Eventually I found things that comforted me and helped me be creative again and that led me to starting school again, nearly three years after I’d left, at SCAD.  I loved the classes. I wanted to be there. I’ve always been a fiction writer but now there was so much in my head that I needed to get out, to process, and to share with people, especially people like me dealing with an unimaginable grief. Those past few years had been made even more difficult by the lack of representation I found in grief material. Everything was either about grieving the elderly, not someone who’d barely even gotten to live. Or if it was about someone young it was due to suicide or disease or violence; in other words things that at the very least, left the grieving with some cause to care about, or something to be angry at, some real world outlet. I didn’t have that. I didn’t relate to that. And even harder was finding anything I could relate to that included the complexities that my queer identity put on my grief; there were people I could and couldn’t tell about our relationship. Did I say I lost my best friend or my girlfriend? What if her family didn’t approve and wouldn’t talk to me, wouldn’t let me have any of her things, wouldn’t want me around? And one of the biggest things I kept thinking those first few months; why had my life become a ‘bury your gays’ soap opera plot line. Was Emma supposed to just be my tragic backstory now? Was I just supposed to use this as angsty fodder for the rest of my life? What about her? What about her dreams, her potential? What about her progress? She’d just gotten to a place where she was accepting herself. Where she was overcoming her mental health issues, where she was proud of who she was. Why was I allowed to keep going and she wasn’t?  I couldn’t find any support for these feelings. Not books or groups or forums. So I decided to make them myself. I started writing and drawing, putting together what I called my Grief Scrapbook. I was working towards the thing that mattered to me more than anything; telling our story. I was getting the chance to create the content I’d so desperately needed. 

But I was still alone, even at school. I was 23 living with mostly 18/19 year olds. And while there wasn’t anything wrong with them, I was struggling with a strong sense of dissociation. Everywhere I looked I saw Emma, forever 19. And there I was, continuing to age and getting further and further away from her. 

My first year at SCAD I made two friends, and while I love them, they didn’t fulfill the hole left by the large close knit groups of friends I’d lost. I tried to get back in touch with my best friend from college, only to find that she was no longer talking to me. And I don’t blame her really. Yes I’d been going through things, but so had she, and I hadn’t been able to be a good friend for her. So if she needed to move on for her own good, no matter how sad that made me, she had every right to do what was best for her, just as I had been trying to do. 

I’m now in my second year at SCAD and recently started hanging out with a new group. And they’re great and I’m slowly feeling more confident and secure around them, but I still struggle. I still miss the relationships I held so dear, the relationships I let dissolve. I still worry I’ll never have that kind of connection with people again, and that if I do somehow manage to find it, I’ll mess it up again.  Some days are particularly rough, when I sit with my thoughts too long, or see something that reminds me of any one of the many people I miss, and I ache for the happiness I had. And it’s those moments when I turn to hyperfixations (I do promise this is getting to RWBY). 

This past February the final How To Train Your Dragon movie came out. The HTTYD franchise holds a very dear place in my heart, as it was my main hyperfixation during high school, and something I shared with Emma and other friends. The second film came out the day of my graduation. It was the last movie Emma and I saw together before she moved to Ohio and then went to school in Oregon. It was the last movie we saw together at all. I knew it was going to be very emotional for me to see the final movie, alone now. But I had to see it opening night. And (spoilers for The Hidden World I guess) the movie ended up being about the reality of having to let go of the important people from your childhood as you grow up. About dealing with the fact that sometimes the people you expected to always be a part of your life, aren’t. I loved the movie, but it destroyed me. A few months later I had to get through May, the 3rd anniversary, away from home for the first time. And it was extremely difficult. I’d had to take a break from HTTYD and process things. 

So my main hyperfixations weren’t helping me get through a really difficult time. But around the time HTTYD 3 came out I happened to get back into RWBY. I’d watched the first season or so when it first came out, but then had just kind of forgotten about it. And so, in the absence of HTTYD, I got caught up. And I can’t say there weren’t things that hurt, that made me have to take a moment and collect myself.  Watching the end of volume three, watching Pyrrha and Jaune finally kiss, and then watch their relationship die with her before they even had a chance to be together, hit way too close to home. Logically I should have projected on Jaune more than I did but I think I couldn’t, because it wasn’t just similar, it felt like I was literally watching the worst moment of my life play out. He was too much like me to handle. But there was Qrow. And at first I just kind of latched onto him because I liked him. I like his characterization, his design, and I was a fan of V*c ( I hate to even mention him here for fear of causing a totally different discourse, but Emma and I were big fans of his and high school and met him and when everything happened with him it was just another thing that felt like a good memory of Emma had been tainted.)  

And so I was watching while the last half of volume six was airing. And I was watching Qrow slip further and further into his depression. I watched as he felt betrayed by Oz after grieving him and then getting him back. I thought more about how he’d basically lost his sister, about how he’d grieved for Summer (regardless of whether it was platonic or romantic), how he lost hope in having strong relationships ever again. How he felt cursed and how he pushed people away to protect them and himself from more pain. I saw how the Apathy affected him and how close he was to giving in before Ruby and Weiss snapped him out of it. I saw him struggle to get himself back together for Ruby and the rest of the kids, but not know how. I saw every single fear I’d struggled with those past few years in him. I related to Qrow more than I’d ever expected to. And so my hyperfixation on RWBY grew. His addiction was my isolation. His insecurities of hurting others and thus pushing them away was my fear that for the rest of my life, I would be alone because I was always going to be too broken to be worthy of friends and love. 

And then everything happened with V*c and for a bit everything hurt again and I had to get away from RWBY and the toxicity within parts of the fandom. And when I was able to come back I was excited but worried. I hoped that Qrow would continue to develop, continue to progress alongside me, that I would like his new actor enough to finish healing the sting I’d felt over V*c.  I just wanted Qrow back, I wanted this character to be there to help me again.

Because Qrow Branwen gave me hope. He gave me hope that I could get better. He gave me hope that even with my insecurities and trauma, something I’ll never be fully free from, I can deserve people who care about me, and that there are actually people who will care about me. He gave me hope that good things can still happen to broken people. And not just people who were once broken and have healed, but people who are still figuring out how to heal, who know they will never fully heal, but also know they still are worthy of support and care. And then volume 7 started and I got more than I’d ever dreamed. 

There was the hug with Ironwood. And even though I shipped Ironqrow, the idea of there being a romantic aspect to that hug wasn’t what made it important. It was the fact that we got Qrow connecting with an old ally (and an adult), finding that he even still had an old ally. That despite everything that had happened with Oz and Lionheart, despite all the trust he’d had broken, maybe he wasn’t actually alone yet. And then we got Clover. I’ll admit I was wary of him at first. I was worried about the traitor theories, the death theories, and then the theories that he’d negatively affect Qrow, making him feel worse about his semblance. But then he grew on me so quickly. Because he smiled at Qrow. He got him to talk about himself, called him out when he was putting himself down, told him how well he was doing. And while it’s wasn’t because of Clover, he was sober, and Clover had to at the very least help him stay that way. Qrow was hunching less when he walked, opening up, being more vulnerable and social. He was smiling, laughing, making jokes. He had a steady partner that he trusted and worked well with, likely for the first time since team STRQ. And yes, I shipped them, but honestly while I would have still been disappointed if it was never canon, given how blatant it really seemed like it could be, it would ultimately have been okay. Because again, it was less about Qrow finding love and more about him finding support.   And then I saw Qrow and Clover and Robyn team up, and whether it was canon or just fandom I felt represented. Not just in the way I had with Qrow about my mental health, but as a queer person struggling with complicated grief; the exact thing I had never been able to find and had taken upon myself to create for others. I saw Qrow being loved (again, whether platonic or romantic isn’t as important) and healing. Even if Fairgame never actually happened, I could still see them as queer characters helping each other process trauma. And maybe I set myself up in a bubble part of the fandom that fully convinced me that Fairgame was possible, but at the very least I truly, undoubtedly thought that Clover would side with Qrow. 

And as I watched episode 12, I could feel my stomach sinking. Okay Clover didn’t side with Qrow at first, but maybe he’ll come around. Okay maybe he won’t come around, but maybe he’ll take Qrow in and they’ll have time to talk, maybe even with Ironwood. But then Clover abandons the ship, abandons Qrow and I was scrambling even more for hope that things would be okay.  Maybe he’s trying to get away to diffuse things. But then “Never pegged you for the manipulative type” the first sign of Qrow doubting their entire relationship, of feeling betrayed again. And then Clover calls Qrow cynical? Maybe I’m forgetting something, cause I haven’t gone back and analyzed every scene with them, but I can’t remember Qrow ever being cynical around Clover this volume that we’ve seen. Self-deprecating yes, but this is legitimately the happiest and most secure we’ve ever seen Qrow. But okay maybe they’ll reason and Clover will come around. But then “We don’t have to fight, friend.” and it’s friend not Qrow. And then “You don’t know my friends. That’s how it always goes.” and I broke. I almost stopped there, a part of me wishes I had. Because it was already so broken, this thing that had even in the past few weeks, been a main pillar of hope for me. But maybe they’ll come together to fight Tyrian. And then Qrow goes after Tyrian and Clover keeps attacking Qrow. Well maybe he’s really trying to protect him, or has some plan. But then they continue to fight each other. And they don’t have even a moment of “who’s the bigger threat here? Us or the serial killer?” And then Qrow works with Tyrian?! Tyrian the serial killer? Tyrian the unstable maniac? Tyrian who tried to take Ruby? Tyrian who nearly killed Qrow? Tyrian who fucking worships Salem, who Qrow has spent most of his life fighting, has lost Summer to, and countless other traumas? (and I get the possible reasons, realizing that Clover won’t lay off of him so Tyrian is his best bet and then he can take care of Tyrian, but I still don’t like it. But this isn’t even about whether or not I think it’s good writing or characterization and it’s too long already to get into that.) And then Tyrian and Qrow fight so well together and I honestly felt sick. We haven’t seen Qrow work that well with anyone. Not RWBY, not Ironwood, not Clover.  And now we see it with fucking Tyrian? And maybe it’s a stretch but it honestly felt like another nail in the “Qrow attracts bad” coffin that is his insecurities. Qrow and Tyrian fight nearly perfectly together and it felt so damn wrong. Clover’s wrong here, Qrow’s wrong here, and it all feels so very very wrong based on the entire progression of their relationship throughout the volume. And then Qrow takes down Clover’s aura and I’m just empty.  There’s no hint of him trying to just beat Clover and not kill him. He has no reason to think that Tyrian won’t actually go for the kill during this fight. But they continue to have these snippets of “We don’t have to fight” or “I want to trust you” while showing no signs of holding back and still caring about the other’s well being. And then Qrow’s voice breaking during “Why couldn’t you just do the right thing…”. We’ve literally never seen Qrow this emotionally compromised, let alone during a fight. He’s crumbling because he finally had someone who made him think he could get better, that he could have close relationships, that he could be good for the people around him. And now he’s losing it. 

I was broken here, I was already spiraling. I knew Clover would get hit. I knew I would be struggling to deal with this episode because I had so fully expected a different course. But I thought there could still be hope. There had to still be hope. CRWBY wouldn’t give us all that development, wouldn’t show Qrow finally happy without leaving some hope for things turning around in the finale. He’d get hit by Tyrian’s stinger and Qrow would have to work to save him and they’d work things out. But then “I trust James with my life… and I wanted to trust you.” And I’m sobbing. Because I get it, Clover’s loyal, but when Qrow’s face hardens I know what he’s thinking. What he’s trying not to think but it’s so hard to fight: “Maybe it is me. Maybe I can’t be trusted. Maybe I’ve ruined things again”. Even though he knows what James is doing is wrong. But he trusted James, he trusted Clover. And he thought they trusted, cared for him. And now they’ve both turned against him and no matter how much he knows he’s doing the right thing, he can’t help but worry that he’s still the thing broken here, that he still messed up somewhere and ruined the relationships he needed so much. I was breaking more and more as I watched this source of my own hope lose all hope. 

And then Harbinger. The weapon Qrow built himself. That he modeled after his hero. The literal extension of his soul. And only moments before, Qrow destroyed the one thing that might have protected Clover. Clover’s emblem falls. Tyrian with “Like you killed Clover”. And yeah yeah Qrow being framed is heartbreaking. But it’s more that he’ll believe it. He did. He fucked everything up again. He tried so hard to do the right thing and still managed to hurt the person he cared about. And if Clover, the foil to his bad luck, could be destroyed by his semblance, how does anyone else stand a chance? And then blaming James. Swearing to make him pay (I honestly don’t remember if he says make him pay or kill him but I physically can’t rewatch that scene to see which it was). And yes he blames James. He hates James. It was the last straw breaking on someone he wanted to trust so much, wanted to have as a friend. But he still blames himself. He still knows he’s cursed and all the progress he’d made with Clover’s help is ripped away. 

And then “Good luck”. I’ve seen people saying it’s sweet, that it’s a moment of reconciliation, of Clover showing he still cares. And I don’t necessarily disagree. But I hate it. Because Qrow won’t take it that way. It’s just another reminder that good luck is out of his reach. And then the goddamn sky and the bi flag colors. And then we see Qrow cry for the first time. And then…. The scream…. I literally nearly vomited and that was the thing that sent me over the edge into full blown panic attack. Because I know that fucking scream. I know how it feels. I hear it ringing in my ears, I feel my throat getting raw. I could hear and see and feel myself in the same position. The nightmare I’d fought off for years; kneeling over Emma’s body and there being nothing I can do but scream and scream as the last of the hope I was clutching to faded with her… with Clover’s eyes.

It wasn’t that Clover died. It wasn’t that my ship won’t happen. It was how traumatizing it was. It was that Harbinger was now defiled. It was that Qrow set it up to happen. It was the sky. It was seeing the light go out of Clover’s eyes. It was Qrow’s scream. We’ve never seen a death like this on RWBY before. Yes we watched Pyrrha’s death. But there was no blood. We didn’t see her bleed out. We didn’t see the exact moment the light left her eyes. We saw Adam stabbed and some bleeding and then hitting the rocks, but we weren’t right there, seeing the exact moment of his death close up. If Clover had been stung by Tyrian and died I’d be upset still, and many of the issues I have would still be relevant. But using Harbinger like that, playing directly into Qrow’s own insecurities like that, after having him do things that felt extremely out of character in order to set things up for Tyrian to kill Clover like that and blame Qrow? It felt vile. 

It didn’t just feel like bad writing or different narrative choices. Hell, it didn’t even just feel OOC. It felt malicious. It felt like twisting established plot and characterisation completely in order to make it fit some tragic climax that was only chosen because it would have the biggest emotional impact, not because it was the best way to continue the plot. And they can’t say that they didn’t expect people to be so attached to Clover. Because if they didn’t expect that to be so emotional for viewers, then why do it like that in the first place? Why put in the climatic cinematic shot that mirrors when Yang lost her arm? Why have Qrow screaming over Clover’s body be the final shot?  If Clover was never meant to have significance to both Qrow and fans, why make his death so painful? They can’t say that they didn’t know fans would get so invested at the same time that they say that it was necessary to make it that traumatic. It’s not that you can’t kill off beloved characters, no matter how long they’ve been in the show. But if you do, it’s got to feel important, it’s got to feel necessary, and it’s got to make sense for those characters, or else it just feels like you’re playing with peoples’ emotions for no reason other than shock factor. 

I’ve seen a bunch of theories and discourse. Arguments over whether or not it’s queerbaiting or bury your gays. Over whether or not it’s bad writing or out of character. And I’m sure I’ll eventually have a stronger, more thought out opinion on that, but right now I can’t even get there. 

I’ve seen theories as to why CRWBY did this, why it’s important to the plot. And maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’ll be just as surprised in a good way next week as I was in a traumatic way this week. But it will take a lot, and I will still need time to recover and dig myself back out of my own intrusive thoughts that saw this episode and rejoiced because “See!? See, good things can’t happen! You’ll always lose whatever good you find. You’ll always ruin whatever good you find.” And none of the theories I’ve seen make that better. Maybe they’ll bring Clover back with the Staff of Creation or some other method: doesn’t matter, the damage is still done. Qrow still is betrayed and traumatized. And even if Clover came back and Ironwood realized he was wrong and stopped, even if everything went back to exactly what it was, Qrow still would have lost all the progress he made this season. Because even if everything was fixed, Qrow would still have to fight down the newly boosted fear that everything will fall apart again. And similarly even if I come back to RWBY and things are good, I will still have a hard time trusting the show, and will still have to climb my way out of a hole I had just gotten out of, except this time I won’t have the comfort of RWBY to help me. 

Or maybe Clover won’t come back and Qrow will relapse and try to kill Ironwood and lose his mind like the scarecrow he is. And what will that do but reinforce the fear and idea that “broken” people can’t escape their vices? That they’ll always come back to pain. Yes, it’s important to show that people can relapse and still get better, that relapse doesn’t mean all hope is lost. But there’s a difference between a relapse and new trauma that directly undercuts all the progress you’ve made. That’s not inspirational, it’s exhausting. Yes, you can come back again, but what about the next time and the next and the next? When will you just get to be secure in your happiness without worrying that at any moment you’ll thrown back to square one?

If it turns out there’s some great plot point this creates, some big revelation that fixes things, I still think it wasn’t done properly. Fine, have that, have that pain. But don’t end on that and leave people for a week. It’s not about it being a cliffhanger. It’s about people who are traumatized being abandoned. (Again, I’m not even getting into how, if this did happen, how episode 12 would still feel off from a characterization standpoint and whether or not it was poor writing. It’s an analysis I can’t currently do.)

And maybe my least favorite theory and the one that I might see as most likely; that Qrow won’t relapse. That he won’t completely lose it and instead Clover’s death and influence will be what keeps him going. Because yeah, that sounds great, that sounds heroic and strong and like the progress that came from knowing Clover did make a difference. But it feels wrong in this instance. Qrow’s had that. He’s had loss that hurt him but he kept going to finish something or honor them. He kept going after Summer died. He kept going for Ruby and Yang and Tai. If he didn’t have that, why would he have kept going when things were so bad? But Qrow doesn’t need that again. He doesn’t need another pain to spur him on. He needs support. He needs proof that his hard work, his struggle, has been worth it and that he still has allies. And not just the kids. Because as much as he respects them, as much as he believes in them and their abilities as hunters, he’s still protective of them, they still aren’t on an equal level. He still feels responsible for them. And that’s good for him, but he needs adults too. He needs people who aren’t his responsibility. He needs adults who can call him out on his shit. He needs adults he can lean on, who can take care of him. And now who does he have? Summer is gone. Raven is gone. Tai is back at home. Oz is gone. Lionheart betrayed him. James has now betrayed him. Winter has sided with James and might not be alive much longer? Robyn is there, but also hurt, and we haven’t seen anything to suggest that they are particularly close. And now Clover is dead. Clover, the only person we have ever seen Qrow let his guard down around like we did this season.

And it’s not that the “Staying alive for the person you’ve lost” is a bad plot line, and if I’d trust any show to do it I would’ve thought it’d be RWBY. But I can tell you from fucking experience, forcing yourself to keep going in honor of someone? Yeah, it might keep you alive. It might give you meaning and even lead you to do great things. But when it’s just you and your head? When you’re alone because you’ve lost everyone who kept you going and now you have to keep going without them, for them? It fucking sucks. It’s not poetic. It’s not this heroic strength that lifts you up. It’s a crushing weight of fear that you will fail again, that you’re the only one who can carry this burden, but this time you’ll let down the person most important to you.  And then not only will you have fucked up your life but you’d have made their suffering and loss meaningless. 

And I can see why CRWBY might take this route, what their message might be, and maybe for them and for some people it’s good, but personally it’s crushing. Because it can be a good thing to have the desire to honor someone spur you on, that’s literally why we still have RWBY. But if that’s the only thing you have? It’s toxic. You have to have other support and motivations of your own to keep you going without becoming hollow inside. And right now, Qrow doesn’t have that. Right now, if Qrow uses this to push him forward, it’s not recovery, it’s not avoiding a relapse; it’s falling into a new, much harder to spot, addiction.

Yes, shitty things happen regardless of whether or not you’ve recovered from previous shitty things. Yes, life isn’t fair and sometimes it feels like you just get hit down over and over. And yes, people die in war and it’s ruthless and unfair. But RWBY is still a show. It’s still a show about hope. It’s still fiction, an escape from the cruelty of reality. And to me there were multiple other options for the plot to create conflict and sacrifice without doing it in a way that seems so needlessly cruel.  

This is complicated and layered and I think there have been mistakes made on multiple sides, and in the end, we still don’t know what CRWBY has planned and how things will go from here and why they chose this. Because everything has a meaning in RWBY. At least I want to believe that. But right now it’s very hard to think that all the meaning that was what made this my favorite volume, was anything more than a trap to make the end that much more painful. And that hurts. I want to believe that’s not the case. But it’s very, very hard. And like I said before, even if they pull it off amazingly and everything makes sense after next week, damage has still been done. No matter what happens, there were ways things could have been handled either throughout the volume or in this episode that, while still having emotional significance and sacrifice, could have been less traumatizing to a large portion of the fandom who supports CRWBY specifically because they trust them not to do something like that to them. 

In the end I’m hurt because right now it feels like the entirety of this volume was just a build up for the shock value of tearing Qrow down again. And I’m just tired of it. I’m biased I know, and maybe for some people it’s an important narrative. But to me it just feels like angst just for the sake of being cruel to a character who can’t catch a break. Since Emma’s death I understandably haven’t been a big fan of really angsty fanfiction. At first seeing fics where a character lost their partner made me irrationally angry. Because why can’t good things happen in fictional worlds? Why do characters I care about have to suffer like I do just for the sake of being angsty? Why would someone do that to a character they love? Why inflict that absolute agony onto a character when you could just, let them be happy? Yes conflict and sacrifice are crucial to good storytelling, but you still have to leave a character some hope, or else what’s the point of just watching them linger in misery? This kind of pain isn’t just a plot point that gets addressed for one or two episodes and then is fully dealt with. It’s a part of who you are now and will be for the rest of your life. 

I’ve been sad over shows before. I’ve thought plot lines were bad and like I’d lost a character that deserved better. But I’ve never had something take me from a (relatively) stable mindset to a truly frightening spiral like I’ve been in this week. If this had happened when I was younger (granted if it had happened before Emma’s death it wouldn’t have had the same meaning), if it had been during that first year? It really might have been a breaking point for me. The final straw. The only reason I’m able to know that as truly devastating as this has been for me this week, I’m not in actual danger of getting to a critically low space, is because I’ve learned how to deal with those low places these past four years. I’m still in a dangerous headspace but I know how to handle it.  I know to reach out, to vent, to ask friends to keep an eye on me, to keep an eye out for critical signs that I’m getting worse and I need more professional help. But if I’d had this trauma as a teen and saw this, or if I’d seen it before I’d built up this method of keeping myself safe even when in the worst headspaces?  I don’t know that I would have been able to deal with it. 

There’s a loud part of my head that is berating me for letting this affect me so much. For letting a show and fictional characters be the catalyst for me having to actively ask my friends to keep sharp instruments away from me for the first time in years. I’ll have a moment of clarity of “It’s not that bad, you’ll get past it” before being swallowed back up by the hopelessness. I have moments of “How could you let a fictional character’s death put you in this place, but not Emma? How is he more important?” 

But it’s not about RWBY or Clover or Qrow. It’s about my brain, and how I as a neurodivergent person deal with things. It’s about this how thing that I use to filter parts of my life through so that I can handle them in more reasonable chunks, is now a trigger itself. I currently don’t have any other hyperfixations, which means every time I have a moment of silence, or start to get feeling down again, my brain goes to RWBY, because usually that’s how I pull myself out. But that just reminds me of the loss RWBY currently represents. Not just the trauma this has brought up, but the fact that I’ve lost this source of comfort. And then I’m left scrambling for anything as I spiral further and further. I’m at the point where unless I am having constant outside stimulus to keep my brain occupied I go right back into a nosedive. And there’s nothing I can do on my own to stop it. So I just have to ride it out, fight back dozens of overwhelming intrusive thoughts, and try to think that I won’t always be this miserable, even though the current thing that was helping me believe that has just shown me the opposite is true. 

And no, creators can’t be held responsible for the mental states of fans of their work. But when things are done that directly hurt so many people, that even if not intended to, feel so calculated and malicious, they have to acknowledge the part they played in that trauma. 

The point of whether there was queer baiting/byg, and mlm representation and how its handled, is very important, but it is also something I just can’t even begin to look at right now from an analytical viewpoint. I can’t begin to come at this from an activist place right now. And I know there are plenty of other people who can speak on it better than I could currently.  My queer identity is largely wrapped up in my grief and how it affects me, but that also means that when I’m spiraling, it is very hard to focus and make good points about things that are not issues I’ve directly experienced. The only reason I can write this at all is because these are really just emotions I’ve dealt with for years that were dragged back up.

RWBY has always been about finding hope when it feels impossible. But this feels like it’s becoming “keep finding new hope but know you’ll lose it too and have to start over”.

RWBY has been what gave me hope that even when bad thing after bad thing happened, there was a reason to keep going, that eventually something good would come your way and you don’t have to live in fear of losing it. That you can still be broken and be worthy of good things. But this episode ripped that all away and told me that sometimes a person is never meant to be happy no matter how hard they try. 

A big reason I have clung to RWBY so much, and admired CRWBY so much, and in turn been so forgiving of plotlines or details that I maybe wasn’t the biggest fan of, was because I see myself in them. They lost Monty so suddenly and tragically and I understand that as much as anyone who isn’t them can. I understand the drive of keeping the show going. When I’m working on my own writing and art about my story and my loss, they are a huge inspiration to me to keep going even when it feels impossible. I can barely listen to Indomitable because, much like Jaune losing Pyrrha, it is uncanny how close to home it hits. They have been through more than we as fans can or should ever expect to know. Because even as someone very open about their grief, who wants to get rid of the stigma of expressing grief, I know that everyone deserves to keep as much of their grief and pain private as they need. And I can't even begin to imagine how hard it is to work on a show that is literally a feat of love and honor to a person you’ve lost, and then have people attack it and you, and make huge accusations, even try to use your loved one’s memory against you. It’s my biggest fear in creating something so incredibly personal but so important. 

And I know that everyone handles grief differently, and no matter how many people you have to support you it can be an extremely isolating thing. I know that no one has the right to tell someone else they are grieving wrong, and I would never dare do that to them. Because I know that the ways I grieve and the things that piss me off about grief and people’s reactions to it, will not line up with everyone else’s, and that’s okay. So the exact things that hurt me so much may be the things that CRWBY find cathartic. 

But I still think it’s important to talk about something that hurts you. To help people understand a facet of grief that might not be what they’ve experienced. Because even people who want to help, who want to provide representation to those hurting, can never please everyone, and even can even hurt people. I want to trust CRWBY. I want to believe they care about the queer community (even if they don’t always succeed in providing good representation), I want to believe they wouldn’t purposefully try to hurt queer fans with queerbaiting or byg. I want to believe they don’t actually hate mlm. 

Narrative is complicated and sometimes things are done that will unknowingly cause harm, or that were topics that the writers didn’t understand enough to properly execute. Things that may seem so obvious to the people who were hurt could truly be things that hadn’t occurred to the writers. And that’s not to excuse those writers from acknowledging their mistake, but to give them a chance to learn and improve. I think a great example is The Adventure Zone (slight spoilers ahead), and how Griffin McElroy handled the fans’ reaction after Sloane and Hurley died in Petals to the Metal. He hadn’t wanted to hurt anyone but he made a decision that was very upsetting for many people and that wasn’t okay. But he listened and apologized and from there on not only tried to provide better representation, but asked about how he could do so, consulted the people he was trying to represent in order to do everything he could to not cause that kind of pain again. Creators are human and deserve second chances, as long as they show they are actively trying to improve.

Things will be learning experiences, but the people who are hurt in those learning experiences, and who are often the ones hurt in such things over and over, are still allowed to be hurt and upset. Intent is not effect. And for creators who want to be inclusive and supportive, it is their responsibility to accept criticism and work to avoid making the same mistakes. Like I said at the start of this, criticism is not harassment and harassment helps no one. Be as angry as you are, be as open as you need, but cruelty to people who are honestly trying to do good but will still make human mistakes just creates more pain and conflict. You don’t have to like it or forgive it but you can’t invalidate the people who are hurt, who do. 

I love RWBY. I want to love CRWBY. I want to keep watching. I want to keep supporting and trusting them. And maybe I’m letting a show have too much influence over me. Maybe it’s unhealthy to project so much on a character. Maybe things will prove to be necessary to tell the story they want to tell. But speaking as a neurodivergent, traumatized, grieving, queer person, I still feel betrayed and hurt by something that I trusted enough to be vulnerable about and I don’t want to sugarcoat or hide that. 

I can’t say I hate CRWBY or I’ve lost all hope in or respect for them, because I’ve related to them so much and know how complicated things like this can be. And because I don’t think I personally can write someone off while still in such an emotionally raw space. I’ll have to take some time to see if I’m able to watch the finale this weekend, but I will most likely watch it, if not just a bit later than I usually would. And RWBY has thrown big surprises at us before, and I can’t know what will happen in the finale and how it will feed into or try to heal some of the pain we’re feeling. But regardless of what the narrative intent is in Clover’s death, it needs to be acknowledged that episode 12 alone, ending on such an intense scene that wouldn’t be resolved for at least a week, hurt people. And CRWBY needs to acknowledge and take responsibility for it. I can’t say that I’m the most up to date on social media and what each person involved with volume 7 has said in the past few months. But I know that numerous official twitter accounts posted things that led people to put more credibility in Fairgame, myself included. And that even after seeing how big the ship had gotten, and knowing what the outcome was, some of CRWBY continued to seemingly feed into the excitement, even teasing about how hard episode 12 would hit us. 

That’s honestly one of the reasons I think this feels not just like bad writing or something, but betrayal. Of course RT can’t control everything everyone involved with RWBY posts, but for a company that has tried to seem so supportive of lgbt and mentally ill fans, they should have, at the very least, not have fed the flame and given people hope and supposed credibility that they knew would crumble after this episode. It feels like, even if they hadn’t intended this entire plot point to come across the way it has, they saw us going down this path and egged us on for added shock factor. 

And even if somehow the finale fixes everything, it doesn’t undo that hurt. It makes me think of the trailers for Insatiable when it first came out. How toxic and fat shaming they seemed and how people reacted poorly to it, but then all the people involved responded with how positive the show was, and that people shouldn’t judge it before they saw it. Or those “joke” videos or posts of kids coming out and the parents getting angry but then it’s about some stupid other thing. It’s meant to trigger a very sensitive issue, that people who have gone through traumas related to those issues are all too familiar with seeing over and over. So why would they have faith that this wasn’t just another one of those times when everything they see points to the opposite? Why trigger people who have already been hurt, for the sake of shock factor? It’s poor and callous writing. 

And that’s what this feels like. It feels like we were exploited in order to make this hurt more. And maybe that was a very unfortunate accident. But CRWBY still needs to acknowledge that they made mistakes, and do what they can to prove to the fans that they still deserve our trust. And that’s not going to be an easy one and done thing. For some it may never be enough, and that is completely valid. 

Of course everyone has different histories and issues that can lead them to be drawn to a certain show or character. And creators can’t ever know for sure that they won’t bring up painful things for any of their fans, and often trying to do so can make the content and message suffer. But even though everyone might not have a story that is as “obviously” traumatic as mine, might not have things they so directly relate to in Qrow and in Clover’s death,  they’re all still valid in the pain they’re feeling. One of my least favorite things about living with grief is people thinking that their traumas and struggles aren’t as big or important as my own. 

This week I’ve told people how hard a time I’m having, and why. And the people who know my backstory understood. The people who didn’t know though, brushed it off as crazy fangirl, tumblr discourse drivel. Even to my face after I told them how much I was hurting, they would groan about people getting so obsessed with fictional characters. You shouldn’t have to know why something negatively affects someone the way it does in order to respect the fact that it does. And I’m not more valid in my pain than people with “smaller” reasons. The fact is that a lot of people are hurting. A lot of queer and mentally ill people are reliving trauma. And like me, many of these people trusted CRWBY to be supportive, to be a comfort in a world where it’s hard to find sometimes. And that makes it hurt all the more.

I wasn’t in the fandom when Monty died, so I don’t know a lot about how CRWBY handled it, what they said publicly, what inevitable fandom discourse there was about how to navigate things. The only reason I bring him up at all, (because I’ve seen people mention him in discourse posts before and it’s usually hurtful and out of line and I truly hate it) is because he, and how CRWBY continues to honor him by keeping his creation going, is a huge part of why I feel so attached to it. My creative focus is on talking about Emma, about honoring her, telling her story, about sharing my grief with people. And while it’s extremely important to me, it’s also terrifying to think about people one day saying I let her down, or that because I made certain decisions I ruined the work or anything like that. And whether or not I am currently happy with every member of CRWBY doesn’t affect the fact that I will always keep in mind that RWBY is something directly tied to someone they’ve lost and it can be extremely difficult to have that kind of work criticized and not get defensive or angry (that’s not to say we can’t criticize things that are made in honor of someone, but that we need to remember there are still people dealing with grief on the other end of what we say). They’ll react poorly to certain things, they’ll say the wrong things, they’ll but heads with opinionated fans. And that’s not to excuse them for that, or to say we shouldn’t hold them accountable and communicate our problems with them and expect them to learn from past mistakes. But they aren’t faceless monsters in some big corporation who just make this for the money. They have real emotional investment in their work and I honestly believe they are well intentioned and want to support lgbt and mentally ill fans. But good intentions don’t ensure there won’t be negative impact, and if they truly want to keep, or regain fans’ trust and support they need to show they understand that. 

It may be naive and there may be things I don’t know that might have changed my view but until now, even with some writing choices I didn’t love, I've really liked CRWBY and trusted them. I personally can’t say I hate them and write them off right now. I understand if you can, if this was the last straw or just proving your view, and that’s all valid. But I want to, as much as possible, believe that they’re well intentioned. RWBY is far from perfect. CRWBY is far from perfect. But that’s ok. As long as there’s effort to improve and acknowledge mistakes and try to make amends

It’s possible that things I’ve said here may anger some people, and unfortunately, as much as I tried to avoid it, may hurt CRWBY. Because as hurt and angry with them as I might be right now, I don’t want to hate them or hurt them.  I’m human as well, and I’m very passionate about this and have a very personal attachment to it. So I acknowledge that it is totally possible that I have said something here that I could have handled better. If so, please, let me know. Constructively. If you need to, privately. Don’t attack me for it. I know when a conversation is toxic to me and I will not put myself in that position and will block people. But I want to be open to criticism, just as I want CRWBY to be. I want to know what I did wrong and how I can work to do better in the future. There are also certain things that I firmly believe that I know not everyone will like. And that’s okay. I have my own ways of dealing with grief and pain that will inevitably conflict with others. In those cases, while I won’t apologize for being honest about how I feel, I will understand and listen to how I may have hurt you. Different opinions and ways of coping will always be a part of grief conversations and it is less about making others agree with you and more about giving people a place to express their pain. 

This is ridiculously, stupidly, long and honestly I’m not sure there’s a clear point and if you read through it all the way, you’re a saint. But I just needed to get this out, and I hope that maybe, somehow, through the ranting, it might help someone feel less alone in their pain, or feel validated. I started writing this on Sunday and wanted to post it before the finale. It’s now Friday and who knows if there’s really any point to posting it now, but still. 

I don’t know what will happen tomorrow. I don’t know how I will handle it. I’ve seen discourse that made me anxious all over again all week. I’ve seen jokes or edits or trolls that made me sick. But there are people out here for you. There are people to talk to who will just listen. You aren’t alone. And while I can’t promise you that everything will be okay, I can promise you that there will be people here to help you get through it. There are ways to get through it. They’re not always fun or ideal, but they’re there. And eventually you’ll be able to feel okay again. The pain might not be gone for good, but you’ll have good moments again. You’ll learn how to create good moments. I still want to believe that “broken” people can be happy again, even though the world may try to show me otherwise over and over. It’s not easy, and sometimes I honestly just don’t see how it can possibly be true. But I keep trying to get back to those good places and appreciate them, for as long as I can. 

[chaoskirin]

Reblog Survey Results

I know it’s been a while. I had a lot of data to go through, and I also had to run some reblog experiments to determine whether my guesses were valid or not. I’ll first discuss the raw data, then the results of my experiments, some conclusions that may be drawn, and finally what might be done about the lack of reblogs on tumblr.

Please remember to reblog this, so everyone who responded to the survey can see the results!

First: A HUGE THANK YOU to everyone who participated. I didn’t expect this sort of attention. I hope this essay helps, and to everyone who wants the actual data to go over for yourself (it is a lot!) please message me and I can send you a PDF. No names are attached, so it is entirely private.

Respondents were offered the choice of eleven options and could choose multiple options based on their reblog habits for art.

A total of 150 people replied. Two responses were deleted due to the fact that they were spam and clicked every option without explanation, leaving a total of 148 viable respondents who clicked a total of 337 options:

Respondents were allowed to expand on their choices to describe other options not presented. Some of these options restated those that were already presented, and the others can be split into several categories:

No one reblogs my art, so I don’t reblog anyone else’s.

I don’t reblog art that is NSFW under any circumstance

I feel like original art is too personal to reblog, no matter the subject matter.

While I may like the art, I feel as if I need to tag/comment on it, and I might not have time when I see the art, and so I end up not reblogging it at all. (This response was overwhelming!)

If the artist ever discusses lack of reblogs, I make it a point not to ever reblog from them.

I don’t reblog from artists who state things such as “my art is so bad” or “this sucks but I’m posting it anyway”

I’m afraid of offending or triggering my followers.

Some people just expanded/reinforced the choices they made when selecting options. Many were explanations of why they were selective about what they reblogged.

I also included a section where respondents could add comments related to the survey.

One respondent stated that they considered a “like” as something to let the artist know that they like the piece, while they consider a reblog an endorsement--and that they want to be sure the original artist isn’t homophobic/transphobic/terf/etc.

Another stated that they needed to feel attachment to the work in order to reblog it.

Many people stated that reblogs were a privilege and not a right, and that likes should suffice to make an artist happy. In the same vein, another respondent said that if tumblr is being used for emotional validation [you] are “setting yourself up for failure.”

There are also many responses that encourage people to support art and fanfic, as well as thanking the author for doing the survey and encouraging the posting of results.

It was initially difficult to make a conclusion from this data, as almost 60% of respondents say they reblog as much art as they can. This didn’t seem to match up with my own personal experiences, as if this was true, every art piece posted on tumblr should receive somewhere in the range of 90 reblogs at the very least. Of course, the issue is that the people who stated they reblog as much as they can don’t all follow my blog; the survey itself reached a huge audience and most of the people who replied likely do not follow me. So this alone might prove that reblogs on tumblr definitely lead to more reblogs, and thus, more people seeing posted artwork.

So the issue lay within the breakdown of the “reblog chain.”

Essentially, while there are a lot of people willing to reblog art, there are various barriers any one piece must pass through in order to reach a wider audience.

First: There are the people who are particular about what they reblog (another 88 responses, or another 60%), people who are afraid of upsetting the artist or their followers (an answer given by 47 people, ore about 31% of respondents) and then those who gave an option I didn’t anticipate: that they simply didn’t have the time or energy or tagging capability to reblog when they saw they art, and went on to forget to reblog it. (This may include people who reblog most of what they see, but either sometimes or usually forget to do it.)

Seventeen (17) people stated this outright, and if I had the option in the survey, I believe it might have accounted for more. These answers came in at different times, so it’s impossible that these 17 respondents discussed their answer with each other. Furthermore, to have such a percentage of people individually state the same thing, it stands to reason that this is one of the major barriers when it comes to reblogging art.

I attempted to run an experiment to determine the reblogging habits of tumblr users, whereby I posted three separate images and encouraged people to reblog them. Unfortunately, due to the above limitations and inability for the experiment to reach past my own blog, I could only use data I already had.

I looked at the reblog patterns of my own art and followed the posts in question through several blogs.

The first interesting pattern I noticed was that one person I’ll call N, would almost always rebog my art, which would then almost always be reblogged by a second person (S). In cases where N did not reblog my art, the piece in question was never reblogged by S, as S does not follow me. Interestingly, if S reblogged my piece, it was then usually reblogged by at least one other person--not always the same people. But through this pattern, I tended to gain at least 4 reblogs through this chain.

I also looked at blogs with many followers who reblogged my art. This one I will mention by name, as it is a content collector blog. @theworldofthedarkcrystal​ often reblogs my Dark Crystal art, leading to incredible numbers when it comes to reblogs. One piece, my drawing of The Heretic, received 145 reblogs, which is very high. However, you’ll notice that it also has far more likes, sitting at 430, which illustrates the problem with art on tumblr.

But what about average users who happen to have a lot of followers? I looked at one popular user who follows me, who I’ll call A. A reblogs from a certain fandom, but doesn’t reblog every one of my pieces from that fandom, which meant they were perfect to examine the differences in visibility.

I won’t share the pieces here to protect this person’s identity. But this popular user’s occasional reblogs of my art would sometimes cause the notes on my art to take off... And sometimes it wouldn’t make any difference at all. So the first conclusion that can be drawn is that it doesn’t necessarily matter who reblogs your art, because individual groups of followers may not share the same taste. (And/or they may be affected by the various other options from the survey!)

This is not a scientific survey. If I expected so many responses, I might have structured things differently, however, using what I know about tumblr and the responses I received, I can draw certain conclusions.

I’ll admit, even I have scrolled past art before; I don’t reblog every bit of art I see, because it has to be relevant to my interests. Since putting together this survey, I attempted to reblog more art in general, as I realized that I was part of the “problem,” and had to make a conscious effort to change.

While I didn’t ask every respondent whether they had ADHD, autism, or mental illnesses such as depression or anxiety, my experiences have shown me that many people who call tumblr their home also feel a kinship here, because other people share the same conditions.

If this is taken into account, it’s not that people are maliciously skipping art to reblog. But those of us (myself included!) who hyperfixate are sometimes incapable of giving attention to things that aren’t currently at the forefront of their mind.

This makes it difficult for original art to take off, because those who are hyperfixating literally cannot give their full attention to something they aren’t currently fixated on. I did some research on hyperfixation, and it is also referred to as being “in the zone.” That it’s an intense focus on something for hours, or days, or years... Then it’s over. One of the articles I read stated that the writer read mystery novels en masse for a time, then stopped completely, and hasn’t read another mystery novel for twenty years.

Another article stated that “When a fixation takes hold of me, it manifests as an inexplicable compulsion to just keep consuming this new thing until I’ve absorbed it all. Sometimes this continues even to my own detriment.  My sleep schedule is routinely screwed up when this happens.  I consume every bit of it as rapidly as possible until it’s done and I don’t want to stop or slow down.”

Due to the respondents who stated that they were very selective about what they reblogged, I can conclude that at least some of the issue is innocent hyperfixation--as someone who is hyperfixating is not able to devote their attention to other things.

(This is not an attack on people who hyperfixate! It’s a logical explanation that I believe people who seek reblogs should take into account--hyperfixating people hyperfixate.)

Secondly, I’d like to address the response I didn’t anticipate--that people do intend to reblog art, but don’t have the energy for it (IE: tagging or commenting.) As I stated before, I believe this has a lot to do with art not getting reblogged, especially when the same people don’t then go back and reblog what they intended to--instead scrolling tumblr and adding more work to their queue that then also never gets reblogged.

I have also personally noticed a great many people on tumblr (again, myself included) who suffer from depression and/or executive dysfunction, leading to an inability to complete tasks that sap too much energy or don’t have a specific deadline.

And while I can’t conclude that this is the major issue when it comes to reblogging, I can say that this plays a large part, and that those of us who worry that we are being excluded or deliberately ignored should take this into account. Reblogging, tagging, and commenting does take a lot of energy, that people rightfully reserve for the things they care about the most. And there is likely huge overlap between the people who hyperfixate and those who don’t have the energy to reblog things.

At least from a technical standpoint, I can conclude that there’s no confusion on the difference between reblogging and reposting. However, there was some concern that artists might not want to see their art on certain blogs.

So what can be done about this situation?

For artists:

Start deriving comfort from the attention you do get. Even if it’s the same person or couple people reblogging your art every time, make sure to thank and appreciate them. This is something I’ve learned recently; while it’s okay to pursue popularity, your achievements and personal successes are separate from that, and it’s okay to start small.

And if someone reblogs your art that you haven’t seen before, you might consider sending them a “thank you,” as some people tend to only reblog art from people with whom they have a relationship. This might help you find some fans!

If you’re seeking to encourage reblogs, due to certain responses on the survey, it might be advantageous to add “Reblogs are appreciated and encouraged” to your works. There are few enough people that consider this “whining” that it shouldn’t affect your overall success.

For hyperfixators:

I am not an expert on ADHD, so I won’t presume to tell you to change. If reblogging one kind of art makes you happy, then you keep doing you, because this world needs happiness, and if your current hyperfixation provides that for you, then you’re miles ahead of most people in the world. If you’re ever able to, consider reblogging one or two pieces of original art, as you’ll make an artist very happy!

For That Other Big Answer:

The idea that people didn’t reblog because they didn’t have the energy to do it was surprising to me, and an answer I didn’t anticipate... but one I also felt in my soul as soon as I saw it come up.

We all have to remember that on tumblr, we’re one point in a long chain of people. If you don’t have the energy to tag or comment, it’s best to reblog that art anyway, so that other people can see it and perhaps comment themselves, reblog it, and keep the visibility chain going. If you’re so inclined later, you can go back and tag or comment! As an artist, I regularly check tags to see if anyone’s said anything nice, but reblogs make me equally happy, even if nothing is said.

For the Clutter Crowd:

If you’re afraid that reblogging too much art might clutter your blog (but you still want to reblog it!) consider making a blog where you only put art. There’s a chance people might follow that blog, thus perpetuating the reblog chain, but it’s also a place where you can comment and/or tag without adding too many art posts to your main blog.

---

There are certain answers I cannot do anything about. IE: people who only reblog refined/finished works or works they consider favorites. I’d like to gently remind these respondents that while you are not personally responsible for the success or “advertisement” of newer or less skilled artists, we as people live in a society where we take comfort from the attention of those around us. Sometimes the only reason for reblogging a piece you don’t find completed to your standards is just to make someone’s day a little brighter.

In conclusion: Reblog art!

[fink-le-freak]

@mikey-putrid and I have this weird little desert town we created called Halflight and I want to share some of the character blurbs we wrote for the citizens

Notable Locations Within Halflight

-Halflight General Hospital

-Halflight Public Library

-Halflight Grammar School

-Halflight Town Hall

-The Flock and Feather

-Dragon's Keep Games and Comics

-Feline Good

-Pins N' Needles

-Ink Addicts

-Rose's Antiques

-Theodore's Oddities and Enchantments

-Kelly's Judo Club

-New to You

-Sunny Valley Nursing Home

Dr. Elsie O'Dalaigh, 54: The town's most beloved doctor. Her dry wit and eccentricities may put you off at first, but she's a very warm and wise woman and should you fall ill or find yourself hurt, you will be in good hands. She's originally from Dublin and has a fair number of stories to tell from her wild youth in Ireland. She has an affinity for all things macabre but especially spiders. You might find her dozing off on her porch swing or enjoying a cup of tea with a friend. You're always welcome to join her and her spouse for dinner.

Dr. Ivan Vasilevsky, 39: A sickly doctor who recently came to town from New York City because the air quality was better for his lungs. He's very brilliant but hardly friendly and very private. Because he's fairly well known, patients come from across the country seeking his care. The only person he seems friendly with is his nurse, Cameron.

Dr. Andre Jimenez, 34: An anthropomorphic parrot surgeon at Halflight General Hospital. He's a total social butterfly and loves to talk, talk, talk. He has trouble keeping secrets and falls into gossip frequently. He's well liked by all his colleagues, all but Dr. Vasilevsky that is.

Johnathan "Johnny" Ross, 20: A cowardly and sensitive young man with a passion for piercing. Though only an apprentice, he's very knowledgeable about body modification and keeps his own piercings immaculate. His motorcycle is also kept in pristine condition. He's also quite shy and is hardly ever seen without his girlfriend, Loretta.

Venus Estelle, 31: A laid back frilled lizard woman that claims to see the future through the smoke from her pipe. She's very transparent and sees no reason to keep secrets about herself. She has nothing to hide. She has a passion for music and plays drums in a local punk band, The Heart Electric.

Kaisei "Kai" Kelly, 56: A very stoic and serious judo instructor. His father was a boxer in Ireland and ever since childhood, Kai has been enthralled by martial arts. He fancies himself a train enthusiast and has a large collection of model trains in his home. His serious nature and brute strength can make him rather intimidating but his husband Rodney finds him cute. He visits his family in Kyoto every spring.

Rodney Kelly, 59: The gym teacher at Halflight Grammar School. Originally from Edinburgh and standing a diminutive 5'2", Rodney more than makes up for his height with personality. He's encouraging, kind, hyperactive and loud. Very, very loud. Fitness has always been an important part of his life, even at nearly 60. He does his best to make gym class a fun place for all instead of a source of bullying and stress for those who don't like team sports.

Jeremy Fox, 19: A brilliant college student neck deep in conspiracy theories. He's very paranoid and distrusting, often to his detriment. He wants to prove to his professors that aliens exist though none of them will give him the time of day. When he isn't studying or trying to prove his theories, he can be found practicing his bass guitar or stargazing. He and his older sister like to unwind by smoking pot and watching sci-fi movies. He's one of Johnny's closest friends.

Jodie Fox, 23: Jeremy's cheerful, supportive yet ditzy older sister and roomate. She let him move in with her after their parents kicked him out for being gay. She doesn't understand a lot of what he talks about but she's happy he's passionate about something. Her bedroom is filled with Care Bears merchandise and colorful collectibles. She's rarely seen without her sticker covered roller skates. The two siblings live in the apartment right above Johnny and Loretta.

Sunny McIntyre, 30: An anthro horse gym rat and fitness trainer. Her cheerfulness is contagious and her motherly nature makes her easy to talk to. Her thick southern drawl might make it hard to understand her though. She always looks on the bright side and doesn't have a pessimistic bone in her body. In addition to being a die hard Bon Jovi fan, she enjoys fishing, hiking and hunting. She also hosts a transgender support group at her house.

Junichiro Oguma, 46: An overworked and underpaid pharmacy technician. Though very good at what he does, he isn't really a people person. He's rather grumpy and has little patience for foolishness. He's infamously difficult to work with due to his perfectionism. He holds himself to ridiculously high standards and gets upset easily when he fails to meet his own expectations. His wit is drier than the desert itself.

Edward Dowler, 68: A retired illustrator living comfortably at the Sunny Valley Nursing Home. He takes his sketchbook everywhere and may sheepishly ask you if you would mind posing for a portrait. He's a gentle soul and a firm believer in the power of pacifism. He's very close to his adopted daughter and three grandsons.

Joanne Lawrence, 47: The owner of Joanne's Diner. She bought the place almost 20 years ago and turned it into a comfortable, 1950's style diner popular among bikers and travelers. She's very blunt and hates wasting time but if you treat her well, she'll treat you well. Threaten her livelihood however and you will pay dearly. Regulars might call her Mama because she takes such good care of them.

Dennis "Moose" Bowen, 52: The cook at Joanne's. He's a people pleaser and will do whatever a customer asks to make sure they enjoy their meal. Hearing someone say they didn't like his food is like a knife through the heart. He prefers to stay in the background and not call too much attention to himself. Joanne calls him Moose because of his large size.

Hilda "Mouse" Calhoun, 21: A demon waitress at Joanne's. Contrary to what you might believe, she's very down to earth and sweet. She's not here for souls or bringing you to damnation, she just wants to serve pancakes and save money for beauty school. Her petite build makes her the Mouse to Dennis's Moose.

Wally Mack, unknown but born before 1956, mentally and physically around 21-24: A living humanoid shadow that can usually be found on a wall at Joanne's. He's chatty and perky and loves to dance. He's able to interact with others through their shadows. If Wally was to touch your shadow's shoulder, you would feel it. He likes to play harmless pranks on Dennis.

Tiffany "Tiff" Cain, 25: An anthropomorphic eagle bartender at her father's restaurant, The Flock and Feather. She also volunteers to work with children with special needs on weekends. She's very patient and a daredevil at heart. Her straightforward, casual attitude makes guests comfortable and keeps them coming back. She may be seen skateboarding around town.

Hisao Nakajima-Stewart, 33: The recently appointed head librarian at Halflight Public Library. He's rather sarcastic and moody but becoming a father has softened him up. He's very passionate about high fantasy and hosts Dungeons and Dragons sessions at his house every week. He spoils his chihuahua, Kotori, rotten with all kinds of pretty dresses and toys. He loves his husband, daughter and newborn son dearly.

Delwyn Morgane, 29: An employee at Dragon's Keep Games and Comics. When his shift ends, he dons a full suit of armor and obsessively hunts down dragons, or at least tries to. He's yet to actually kill a dragon. He's quite handsome but has a few screws loose. He plays Dungeons and Dragons with Hisao and friends every Thursday night.

Klaus Brunsvold, 70: A quiet and hardworking man originally from Norway. English is not his first language but he's slowly improving thanks to his coworkers. Though he might look imposing, his warm smile puts people at ease right away. He works at the cat cafe, Feline Good, as a barista and gleefully serves customers fattigman and slices of ostekake. Goria says he has "big grandpa energy".

Jonas Ostergard, 61: A blunt, reclusive man that's easily recognized by his towering height and voracious appetite. Standing 8'2" in comparison to his wife's tiny 5', he's one of many oddities in this town. He's absolutely enthralled by zombies and robots and fills notebooks with detailed diagrams regarding them. He's often seen at the Flock and Feather, chatting up a storm with his friend Tiff. He has autism, ADHD and intellectual disabilities.

Jamie De Luna, 18: A scrawny young man enamored with anime and martial arts. He's a bit hotheaded and immature but nonetheless determined to become an MMA fighter. His younger sister Tala is his biggest fan and supports her nerdy big brother all the way. He loves cheesy kung fu movies and takes them very seriously. He thinks very highly of his judo teacher Kai and seems to think of him as a father figure.

Goria Stout, 15: A high school student and part of Hisao's Dungeons and Dragons group. She's partially an ogre, 25% to be exact, and admires her ogre grandfather greatly. However, at the same time, part of her has been made to feel ashamed of her pointed ears and blue skin. She's rather lazy and self centered, but occasionally shows a more warm side. She wants to study magic and become a feared sorceress but just doesn't have the natural ability to do so. She frequents the comic shop and is the only one that believes in Delwyn's quest to slay a dragon.

Wesley Eldridge, 19: The bratty and materialistic son of billionaires left to play in mommy and daddy's mansion. His parents are constantly traveling the world, so he spends his days lazing about and relishing his family's wealth. He's notoriously snobbish and will have no part in anything, or anyone, he deems beneath him. He's had a fondness for unicorns since he was a child and even owns a purebred Irish unicorn named Divinity Diamond. He's very protective of her and has no qualms about sending his guards after you if you dare harm her.

Renwick Ozul, 25: E-boy and aspiring model with a sour disposition. He's distrusting of others and keeps people at a distance, except for his close friend Missy. Despite his cold and calculating online persona, he's quite insecure and struggles with his body image. He can be rather rude and nasty but has his moments of vulnerability and kindness.

Chelsea Montgomery, 23: A quiet young woman who keeps to herself. Some people say she fades into the background. She's very creative and resourceful, cleverly finding solutions to most problems she faces. Her interests include anime, cosplay, drawing and video games. She's great with kids and would like to be an art teacher one day.

Dallas Silvers, 27: A monster hunter and unofficial sheriff of Halflight. She's bold and quick witted, outsmarting any beast that threatens the town and quickly subduing it or killing it. Her talent with a rifle is nigh unmatched in town. She's the second oldest of 11 children and adores her older brother, the bounty hunter Smokey Silvers. She finds it difficult to be open about her feelings but loves her family dearly.

(Characters below belong to my friend @mikey-putrid, follow him he's cool)

Brody Erickson-O'Dalaigh, 47: The town's resident maternal figure and unofficial monster hunter (or befriender, really). Their spunky, adventurous attitude often gets them into shenanigans, but they always manage to pull themself out. They are kind and loving towards everyone. No matter who or what you are, you are always invited to Brody's for a nice meal.

Landon Borowick, 26: Brody's, often unwilling, sidekick and a security guard at the local mall. He's a cowardly young man who would rather stay home and get stoned, but thinks of Brody as his hero and therefore ends up getting dragged along on their adventures. Despite his fearful nature, Landon is a physically intimidating person who will do anything to help a friend.

Darcy Cooper, 16: A rough and tumble student at Halflight Grammar School. Darcy moved to Halflight with her mother to open up a bakery, which doubles as their home, and she often makes deliveries on her bike. Her warm and friendly personality helps her to make friends easily. Usually covered in bandages, Darcy loves practicing stunts on her skateboard, as well as watching anime and playing video games.

Loretta Sims, 20: Johnny's girlfriend, aspiring cryptozoologist and collecter of cool antiques. Loretta is shy and timid, preferring to blend into the background and not draw attention to herself. She loves spending time in the forest and working on her ever growing scrapbook. She's never far from her beloved boyfriend.

Cameron Payette, 28: A nurse at Halflight General Hospital and Dr. Vasilevsky's live in assistant. Having grown up with 15 disabled and ill siblings, Cameron has developed a love of helping people, keeping them healthy and cheering them up with a silly song on their trusty ukelele. During their off time, they enjoy video games and sci-fi movies.

[opalmothnightingale]

The Landscape Of Grief

6- 10- 19 - The following post is depressing, and might be triggering, to those sensitive to mental illness, abuse and related topics.

 I thought it might help if anyone wondered why I keep mentioning terror, risk, sadness, anxiety, etc, to give a background.  The following post might sound very dreary or complaining to those who don’t relate.  Just skip if you think that might be you.  Or people that don’t like to read about others’ problems.  Yes, I relate too, because I have my own problems.  I can’t usually help with others problems.  Because this blog is for me, my mental health, my chronic illness journeys, that’s why I mention those things, even still, only briefly.

But, what are my problems I face?  Well, let’s see.  Depression.  Anxiety.  Trauma, and I have had/do have? symptoms of PTSD...  Or CPTSD, I think.  Not responsive to therapy or medication, but managed well enough for now.  As long as life lets me keep a stable lifestyle, but I can’t know about that.  There’s the uncertainty and risk.  Ok, what else?  Latent past abuse and no one who I can turn to.  Past abuse from my marriage, but not really anymore, so again, the future is uncertain. 

And now, what is the reality of now.  It is that I can’t support myself (too ill with mystery illnesses,...  And so I can’t get adequate help from anyone)...  so I depend on my husband, I can’t prove the abuse, can’t raise my child alone (not for now, if ever,...  I’m not well enough), can’t leave my child to my spouse.  

No one who I know can help me to find a better life, partially because they’re almost all one of three things... Either they are also abusers, or they are too ill themselves, or they’re intolerant of our illnesses.  No agency can help either, because the proof isn’t there of the emotional abuse that happened in the past to me (only to me, when my child was a baby and before that, but of course, it’s not a safe, stable home due to that).  

I have to depend on him and hope for the best, unless I were to heal my body and mind.  Oh yeah, and my husband now has chronic illness.  He had cancer, recently, but it was treated and hopefully will not recur, but if it does then the future is uncertain in that regard, not only for the obvious reasons, but because he responded badly to the treatments.  It made him so sick he had to stop about 2/3 of the way through.  Now he has lingering symptoms from the treatments, which stopped about 5 months ago.  So, he might lose his job if those symptoms get so bad that he can’t do the same kind of work anymore.  

Then, there is my unusual personality and extreme introversion, traits like autism, not diagnosed, high-functioning,...  And ADHD-like traits.  Multiple chemical and electrical sensitivities.  Food sensitivties.  OCD-like traits.  Sensory processing disorder it seems.  No diagnosis for these things.  my daughter shares many of these illnesses and issues....

And there are other things,...  Things about my weird personality, and my daughter also seems to have inherited her own unique but similar weird personality too, so I can now speak up for my real but not scientifically proven needs, now that I see she needs the same, and I won’t deny her like I tried to deny myself, for those who couldn’t see me,... 

Makes me think about before they had proven mental illnesses, what did those people have to suffer?  Being locked away, often, I guess, sadly,...

But yeah, the weird things about me, and about my child, that science can’t prove yet,...  Things psychology can’t label, like the fact that I have tried all kinds of work but the only ones that don’t make me depressed or physically ill are those that are creative, highly creative, and not just any creative, my style of creativity,...  Which I do now, raising my daughter and homeschooling her.  But I can’t get paid for the kind of work I need, because I’m not talented enough I guess.  And then, there you have it.  

But I hope I can find a kind of work that doesn’t stress my mental and physical sensitivities and I really have hope for this,...  I’ll try. 

I don’t like telling people because everyone either has advice or judgment or both.  They can’t just take it at face value.  Or sometimes they might want to commiserate, but I actually try to distract from my problems, unless I need to see them in order to survey the landscape, plot a path or a solution to some problem at hand.  Mostly, I act like I don’t even have these problems, because in the now, the present life, I really can’t do that much about them.  

[tropesaretools]

Character Sheets: The Good, The Bad, and the Messy

I am not fond of character sheets.

I actually actively avoided using them for about seven years because they were a hallmark of 13 year old me’s perfectionism, trying to craft the Ideal Character that was Most Definitely NOT A Mary Sue. They were messy, and inaccurate, and boxed in character traits in a way that stopped them from being organic. I just needed memory to keep track of everything I ever needed! (It helped I was prolific enough that I was churning out 50k every month or two. No, I did not have a life as a teenager)

Then I started slowing down, because adult life takes up a lot of time and mental space.

Cue an endless string of “what had I been working on, again?”

Part of it was I spent a few years (still ongoing) with a cowriter. Suddenly, nothing could stay in my head, because if it didn’t get verbalized, then it wasn’t ever going to make it into the story. So we started keeping plot notes. And character notes. Because when you have two adults with inattentive-heavy ADHD with lives that take up most of our waking hours, those things vanish and it’s annoying to go through hours and hours of chatlog to find what we’d originally said about it (thank god for enough memory to even do that).

So I’m going to tell you what I stick into a character sheet, in the hopes it will give you some insight into crafting living characters.

#1: Objective, Physical Things

Aka, those things that exist, with only one meaning, and are not going to change based on context.

This includes:

Physical description (eye colour, height, identifying marks, skin tone, hair colour/style)

Gender

Job title(s) and education

Hobbies

Magic powers and any notes

Orientation

Illnesses (physical and mental, chronic or not)

Disabilities (physical and mental)

Relationship status

Any other important facts, like languages spoken and proficiency in

Notable possessions and status symbols (like if they wear a ring that was given to them by their now-dead grandmother, or a journal that they write everything in)

This should be where the bulk of your character’s info is. This is what you’re going to be referencing all the time. The solid, hard facts about the character. The things you really don’t want to forget about, so you avoid the mistake of a character’s eye colour changing.

Important note: some of these things are flexible if you’re writing a coming of age or self-discovery story (ie- orientation, gender, some disabilities— especially ones with high teenager-and-adult diagnosis rates like autism and ADHD).

If that’s the case, write down the end result and note that it’s the end result. You can then plot out the discovery milestones that lead them to that result, without losing sight of where you’re going to end up.

#2 Subjective, Personality Things

This is where it gets fun.

My biggest gripe with this section of character sheets is they’re too neat. The example I often use is honesty— a “virtuous” trait that is listed in every positive checkbox.

Except honesty is only useful in a handful of situations— among close friends, namely. How many times have you lied on a job application? Or what about trying not to share your whole life story with a stranger?

Honesty is a detriment to many, many situations. An honest character in a political circle is a dead character. An honest spy will never get the job. Writers, in a sense, lie for a living while also telling the truth about humanity.

So where does that leave you?

Write the trait, then put it in context. Protective of loved ones becomes being loyal to a fault, staying in bad situations way longer than you should; saving people who hurt you later. Confidence becomes arrogance when somebody takes that smirk to mean the skills are all hot air. Honesty becomes cruelty, becomes a Way To Break It Hero because now the villain knows something they shouldn’t.

Remember how I said you need to strip down your character’s emotional reactions to their body language so you can figure out who they are? You want to do the same with this.

#3 Narrative Instructions

Skip this for any character who won’t be a point of view character, but do take the time to work it out for characters we will be seeing the world out of.

Gonna be honest: one of my most-often-said critiques is “this character sounds generic.” My exact words are usually lined up with the author’s age and education, because we all have a tendency to make characters sound like us or our friends. We are, after all, the primary people who experience our lives, and rarely do we have to stray from our own mind.

With writing, you have to, because we are actively trying to create a new person. They might have shades of us (self inserts, after all, exist, and this is no disrespect towards them), but in the end, these people are not us, and we want them to feel 1- real and 2- relatable.

So write down how you’ll construct their narrative.

Will they notice the set of a person’s mouth first, or will they scan for feet placement and not trust what’s on their face? Are they prone to making judgement calls on a person’s fashion choices? Do they try to be Sherlock and deduce a whole personality and backstory by the smallest of clues? Do they err on the side of a large vocabulary, small, or specialized for a certain trade?

While it’ll likely take multiple drafts for these details to truly come out, having at least a general sense of them will help create more fleshed out narration with more building blocks for you to play with.

Nothing Can Replace (Re)Writing

As helpful as character sheets are (and I hope this list is helpful!), every single character you write will be flat at first. Every last one. You won’t find a shortcut that gets you a Passable First Draft anywhere.

Nobody has a good one. Every character starts off flat, and does things they would never do in the final iteration, and is built the more you stick them in situations.

Keep editing, and keep polishing.

Thanks for reading! If you liked this content, please consider supporting me on patreon. It’ll get you access to a bunch of cool stuff! (including an eventual character sheet... once I write it)

[counterclockworkminds]

Living with a “Triple A” Brain

Two years ago something amazing happened to me. I’ve struggled with my mental health nearly my entire life and there had always been this undercurrent of something that I could never explain.

For some context, I was diagnosed ADD (now classified as ‘ADHD - inattentive type”) in 3rd grade and until 6th, was on Ritalin. It helped my schoolwork those three years, and then the floor fell out from under me. I couldn’t function, my grades dropped and I continued to have very few friends. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and nothing helped. Then it was Bipolar, and nothing helped. By high school I was a terrible student and only graduated by the skin of my teeth. I started work in a entry-level call center and stayed in the industry until my mental health collapsed again and I started school because it was that or.... well just that.

But a year and a half into school, countless different medications and therapists that helped but didn’t really change anything... an epiphany. Chatting with a friend about Autism and suddenly, it all clicked. The next few days and few weeks were a whirlwind and research and going ‘wait... that’s an Autism thing?!”. I have vague recollections in my early 20′s asking a therapist about it and her saying I was ‘Too Social’. My college therapist when I brought it up two years ago? Grinned and commented she was wondering when I was going to realize it, and how can we best work with it.

I cannot describe how wonderful it felt to be validated. I’m not crazy, just autistic became my mantra. My mother (a special education teacher who specializes in Autism and behavior issues) wondered why she didn’t realize it sooner. I started to adjust. 

You know what happened when I started treating myself like I was an Autistic person? I got better. I didn’t get depressed as often, I stopped hating myself so much and it was amazing. When I transferred schools (from community college to a university) I struggled, but my new therapist helped hook me up with our Disabilities center (another radical adjustment, I’m disabled) and I got an Official Diagnosis. For me, the clinical diagnosis unlocked disability services I needed to continue succeeding in school and to help quell the little voice in my brain saying I was faking it. That testing also helped me learn that yeah, I’m still ADHD too.  Come fall term though, despite EVERYTHING I’d learned over the past year and a half, I was still struggling, I actually sought treatment for my ADHD and the anxiety I’ve always had. So yeah, ‘Triple A Brain’, I’m Autistic, and have ADHD and an Anxiety disorder. I was afraid of medication because everything I’d been through in middle and high school and was so ready to give up, but who knows, maybe this time I’ll get somewhere.

Holy shit guys. Do you know what living without anxiety is like after OVER TWENTY YEARS of that little voice in the back of your mind saying everything is awful, look at all the bad things that can happen and no one likes you, honest? I’ve NEVER been so calm, I’ve never been able to let things go, I’ve NEVER had a waking moment that there wasn’t SOMETHING eating at my soul and it’s goddamn amazing. 

Are there drawbacks to medication? Yeah, it’s sucks that I can’t sleep in cause taking my meds at the same time every day makes them more effective, but lets be honest, anxiety hadn’t let me do it in the past 5 years anyway. I have a lovely little tic on my right eyelid now. It flutters every once and awhile, and as near as I can tell it’s stress related. 

But I can do things. I can make calls (like the pharmacist, or the bank, or my credit card company) and it isn’t terrifying. Other people can be the driver when I’m in the car again. I don’t jump at door knocks (abuse history) and I can write. I can have opinions online and contribute to discussions. This post? I never would have been able to write it if not for anti-anxiety medication that works. It’s like finding a voice I never thought I had and I’m still processing how the not-anxious me is so different. I still am staring into myself and trying to process how different I am and how much happier I am. I’ve now had public meltdowns due to sensory overload (yeah, anti-anxiety meds don’t stop me from being Autistic yo) and guess what? I didn’t blame myself a single moment for sobbing in the hallway because the teacher accidentally blasted the room with an awful noise when I was already overwhelmed. I didn’t hate myself for being an Autistic human having a bad day and just let it suck. I don’t have a constant, gnawing fear that one wrong move will make this life I’m building for myself shatter into a million pieces. 

Why am I writing this all out? In part because I’m still processing it and writing it down helps with that processing. I feel like a different person, and that can be a bit intimidating. But also, maybe as a bit of encouragement to others? Life isn’t gonna be perfect. You’re gonna have your bad days, and mental illness and disability never fully go away (like today where I’m writing this instead of doing projects that are due tomorrow because executive function is a bitch). But sometimes, you find what works for you, whether it be the right medication, or the right support network, or even just treating yourself differently, can make a world of difference. 

I’m actually looking at grad school now. I’ll be doing research on some pretty dang amazing technology. And I’m also looking into disability advocacy. Instead of just watchhing from the sidelines, I want to add to the discussions around disability, mental illness and Autism and maybe I can help NT people understand us better. Accept Autism and all beautiful shades of neurodiversity. Because I’ve been too scared to for so long and now that I’m not... I’ve realized I’ve got a lot to say.  

[preternatural-aura]

So like, I tend to see posts about how being labeled gifted as a child was harmful to someone and I can definitely relate, and I know a lot of the people labeled “gifted” as kids are disabled, whether it be neurodevelopmental disabilities that cause cognitive asymmetry (most notably adhd and autism) or mental illnesses caused by things like perfectionism, but I think we need to extend our compassion to those who were deemed “average” or even worse, “below average” and “special ed.” I myself couldn’t handle the stress on top of my undiagnosed adhd and sensory processing disorder by the time I got to high school, so I am maybe not so bad off. Like, I learned how to take notes and stuff in middle school and honed it throughout high school by taking notes when I didn’t necessarily need to. I used flashcards when I was younger when I wasn’t really “gifted” due to my processing and working memory being average at best. At the same time, I am watching my younger sister grow up, with adhd and currently unmedicated, plus mental illnesses and being constantly bullied throughout her entire school career. Growing up in a private school that went too fast for her, despite being around “average” really pushed her behind on learning things. And unlike me, she is not that interested in things like math and science and reading. She is good at things she likes, but falls behind in things she doesn’t, definitely characteristic of adhd. I watch her struggle and I watch her resent me, or at least that she can’t be like me, and I can’t find it in myself to resent her for it. How could I? When I see her struggling at things that, with help, she could understand. I’ve tried tutoring her, but I can’t keep up with that commitment and she’s so far behind what she’s learning, sure she can kind of understand the algebra, but she can’t add, subtract, multiply, or divide integers/negative numbers because she doesn’t understand them. She vaguely knows of the rules, but, memorizing things by rote is much harder than memorizing things that you understand, especially when you aren’t interested.

The other things I see on my dash regarding school are the things written about people’s experiences in special ed, which, spoiler, are usually terrible. And I will always be frustrated about how people seem to have some sort of line between just being below average and being disabled. Anyone that they deem as not actually disabled is “free game” to make fun of and berate. Of course they will do this to disabled people, but often in a different way. Schools won’t give ieps for someone who has fallen behind and can’t catch up. Hell, I couldn’t get one for my adhd and mental illnesses because, despite the HUGE difference between my cognitive abilities, some being super high, the others being average, which creates it’s own problems, because I was still “average” at worst. Which was fine for most regular classes, but it completely barred me from taking any higher level classes because I can not keep up with homework. So I spent my last two years of high school breezing through easy classes (which i still had some problems with) while my science teachers begged me to take higher level courses, to which I had to respond, I would not be able to handle them and the school refused accommodations. On the flip side, they deny my sister an iep because she does not qualify for a “learning disability,” though i feel like adhd kind of is, so basically saying that if she does poorly in classes, its her own damn fault and they can’t (won’t) do shit about it. She’s failing classes.

I don’t understand why we must continue feeling resentment towards each other. And, to the grown up “gifted kids,” please just accept that our peers resent us and acknowledge that they also had it Bad. They resent us because they do not know us. It’s hard, I grew up isolated from many of my peers because they viewed me as smart, which I hate. I don’t want to be “smart,” I definitely don’t want that to be what I’m most known for. I want to be known for being caring, compassionate, and passionate about what I care about and believe in. Being passive aggressive towards others for the resentment they were taught will not make them resent you less. We have all been wronged by a system meant to teach us. We all must listen to each others’ experiences and difficulties and extend them the same acceptance and support that we want ourselves. Being resented by your peers sucks, it really does. So does growing up being called stupid, being compared to people that are better than you, or rather, people that you are told are what you should be. So does growing up being treated as less than human, like you’re never going to be anything, that you are nothing other than your disability. So does being told that your disability isn’t real, that you are just weird or lazy, that you don’t need or deserve accommodations. We have all been wronged and continuing our resentment towards each other will not help. Don’t wait for others to stop resenting you to stop resenting them. And if you can’t make your feelings go away, that’s okay, but still try to reach out to them in a positive way, listen to them, accept them, “fake it til you make it” so to speak.

tl;dr everybody had a sucky experience in school and we were all taught to dislike each other, if you want people to stop disliking you, don’t be mean to them