#bestie and I were talking about how the doctor has been around for thousands of slutty slutty years

[timetravellingchav]

workplace safety poster in the torchwood offices

[gomapda]

sidewalks we crossed [side A: you.]

i started writing this over a year ago and never got around to finishing it; it’s meant to be a three-part thing. so maybe if i post the first part, i’ll be inspired to finish the rest. this wasn’t written to be shared with the public, mostly just for myself (which is why some of it can be cringey), but here we are anyway. hehe. happy birthday lee jihoon! 태어나줘서 고마워!

pairing: lee jihoon/woozi (seventeen) x f!reader

genre: romance, fluff

summary: an accidental like, an off-chance comment, a purposeful message. you were in an unrequited love with your childhood best friend and decided to run away from him and your feelings and years later you find yourself in the same city with the same feelings when he stalks your instagram.

rating: 13+

length: 23k (LOL)

tags: idol!jihoon, childhood friend!reader, unrequited love (but not really), reconnection through instagram, this is just different scenes pieced together (including a ton of flashbacks), reader’s nicknames are all bug-themed, reader has depression and it manifests as suicidal ideation sometimes, this is basically real life (aka seventeen exists and debuted 150526), but the years are a little bit off for the trainee period, jihoon left busan later and trained for shorter for the sake of my story hehe, cursing, pining, mamamoo + ateez are the besties of reader, member x member pairings, jihoon and reader are both dumbasses, reader is extremely book smart but has one brain cell when it comes to romantic feelings, jihoon writes music like he’s been divorced 12x, word genius lee jihoon, idk how doctoral degrees work, i only got my masters and it was a non-thesis track lol, also idk how trainee auditions work either, miss communication is a lady we all know too well, super cute soft shit too tho tbh, no beta we die like men, i spent 5 hours trying to format this for tumblr and i’m still unsure

inspired by “drivers license” by olivia rodrigo and “what kind of future?” by woozi

inspo spotify playlist found here!

side A: you.

“Are you insane?”

If it were months ago, you would’ve winced at the harshness in his tone, but you’ve hardened yourself with resolve, almost saddened that this was the most communication you two have had since, well, you couldn’t recall. “I’ve been contemplating this for a while now.”

“But you didn’t talk to anyone else about it!”

No, you thought bitterly. You just didn’t tell him.

“I’ve already talked to my parents,” you spoke coolly.

He scoffed. “As if they’ve ever actually cared about you and your life.”

You felt anger flare up with a cold dousing of shame. “And what—” You spat. “You do?”

“Wha—of course I do! I’ve always looked out for you! I’m your best friend!”

Bile rose in your throat. “Best friends wouldn’t flake on every single hang out to go off and spend time with their favorite noona—!”

“Don’t you dare pin this on me.”

Your eyes shot up to his.

Cold. Piercing.

So unlike the bright crescents you were used to him having around you. He used to shine in your eyes, never too bright, but in a way that demanded your attention as you basked in his almost ethereal glow.

You were reminded that the moon has phases. And maybe that meant it was time to start anew.

Even if it meant disappearing from sight.

A heavy silence passed over the two of you.

You prepared so many answers to the questions you thought he would bombard you with.

What? You were going to a prestigious international academy several thousand miles away.

When? You were leaving in two months.

How? You got a presidential scholarship.

Why? Because you loved him so much it terrified you.

You had all of these answers.

But it didn’t matter.

Because he didn’t care enough to ask.

The tears couldn’t even form in your eyes. You knew it would be selfish and manipulative if you did. He always felt responsible when you cried.

“You can’t leave,” he said.

“I’m sorry,” you said.

A lie.

“You can’t just fucking leave.”

Leaving him, the unspoken message.

“Y/N, you— ”

“Let me go. Please.”

You heard his breath hitch.

You forced yourself to smile softly at him, wanting to ignore the visceral pain in his tensed jawline, widened eyes, and clenched fist. You knew the irreversible wound you were inflicting. Your resolution almost shattered at the prospect.

Almost.

“I’ll keep in touch.”

Another lie.

“Don’t bother.”

You supposed you deserved the door slam that followed his footsteps, not even allowed to watch his retreating form.

You closed in on yourself, finally letting the tears slip down your cheeks quietly.

He would be fine.

He always was without you.

Always will be.

Only a week later, in the comfort of your childhood bedroom nestled in the midst of Busan, did you receive the news from your neighbor a few streets down.

Jihoon decided to go through with moving to Seoul to become a trainee. I hope you can come by to congratulate him! His father and I would love to have you at the party!

Questions ran through your mind.

How long has he been thinking about this? Did he ever mention wanting to become an idol? When did he even apply to become a trainee? When is he leaving? Is he cut out for trainee life? Is he going to make his own music or be forced by his company to make inauthentic music? Is he going to remember to eat his meals? Will he be okay?

You paused for a moment.

Was this because of you?

You realized it didn’t matter.

You weren’t going to get the answers you wanted.

You didn’t deserve to.

You deleted the message.

──────────────────

Years later.

“Man, fuck this thesis work.”

“Careful, if they hear you say that, they might pull your funding out from under you.”

Hyejin glared at you, her lashes unceremoniously sticking a little too high up her eyelid. You wondered whether she knew there was no point in wearing makeup everyday when her only company was her pipettes and centrifuge. “God, sometimes I wish I was in your major.”

“You would wanna read about things like depression and emotional incompetence?”

“Why not? I see it all the time in my major. God. I was at a drinking party the other day—” You winced in advance. “And I just want you to be aware that if you were to include STEM majors in your sample, your EQ mean would drop so fast.”

You hummed in acknowledgement. “Alright. Fair. To be honest, though, my research focus is mainly on the public and government’s responses to providing resources for group homes and how to make transitioning a little easier. I’m hoping to garner more attention and funding in order to do more activism. So, technically, I don’t actually measure EQ. Although, I can make guesses based on the public forums that are out there.”

“All I heard is that you’re an absolute saint.”

You laughed. “Maybe to you, unnie.”

“D’you wanna get schwasted tonight?”

“I can’t. I have book club.”

“God, you’re such a fucking nerd. Why am I friends with you again?”

“I distinctly remember you saying it was to, quote, ‘ruin me.’”

“Seven years later and I still haven’t.”

“I dunno about that. I started watching that drama you recommended and my sleep schedule—”

“Isn’t it so good?”

You laughed as she started parroting off lines from the drama and you agreed after much coercion that, yes, the second-lead was indeed a better fit.

Your phone pinged beside you and you stole a quick glance. Your breath hitched as Weverse popped up on your screen. Your pulse slowed down to a normal rate when you realized the notification was from “RM 🌟”.

Maybe you should just delete the app.

You turned your attention back to the girl who was your first college roommate back at Yale, where quick introductions were made, and not a second later, began laughing at the prospect that your RAs probably put you both together for being foreign students from South Korea. 

She was much more refined back then, having already spent an entire year on her own as a Yale undergraduate, but your burning flame managed to craft something entirely new; just as she, like a river running its course, smoothed out your rough edges over time.

She led you back home.

Back to South Korea.

Back to him.

──────────────────

“You said you don’t break promises, Y/N.”

You found yourself grimacing. “Jihoon, that’s not fair—”

“Fair? Y/N, I kicked your ass at darts and now you said you wouldn’t keep your promise.”

“I don’t want my first ever tattoo to be whatever that is!”

“You pinky promised, Y/N.”

Your bottom lip jutted out. “I can’t even tell what it is.”

He stared down at the napkin he drew his artistic rendition on and then looked back at you incredulously. “It’s a firefly. Are you blind?”

You blinked. You could see the wings? Maybe? And those are lines that represent glowing? Not some weird excretion? You held your tongue and asked a more appropriate question. “Why a firefly?”

“I dunno. Seemed fitting. We always go see them together in the summer. They remind me of you. You remind me of them. That’s all, I guess.”

“Aw,” A toothy grin spread across your face. "You think I light up the night?”

“Sure, if you want.”

You could tell that Jihoon was getting embarrassed and wanted to immediately stop talking, but you being you, refused to let it happen. You piped up with your typical know-it-all attitude, “I read somewhere that fireflies represent inspiration and guidance. And hope, I think.”

He looked you straight in the eyes.

Your heart leaped into your throat.

“I guess that’s you, firefly.”

──────────────────

And here you were, in Seoul, a knowing pang in your chest that constantly reminded you of just how close he was. How your relationship always was. Close in proximity, but always left you wanting something more. Something else.

You blinked up at her, a knowing look in her eyes.

“Y/N—”

“I know,” you blurted out.

“You just look like you’re on the brink of a panic attack every time you see a Twitter or Weverse update.”

“It’s not that bad,” you grumbled.

Hyejin’s features softened.

Your chest tightened. You hated that look.

Pity.

“Actually, unnie. I’ll join you tonight. Screw book club.”

A knowing smirk spread across her lips. “Alright, bumblebee. My EQ is high enough to realize you’re running away from your issues, but it’s low enough that I won’t do anything about it.”

“I’ll add that to my data then.”

She flicked your forehead.

―――――――――――――――――

You groaned as you rubbed the sleep out of your eyes, staring down at Hyejin’s bare legs wrapping themselves around your torso.

God. How much did you even drink?

You untangled yourself from her limbs, quickly checking her skin to make sure she didn’t have a repeat of three years ago when she somehow convinced you to let her get a tattoo of the two paper clips emoji on her inner bicep.

“They represent us, bumblebee.”

“How, unnie?”

“We’re like… leaning on each other.”

“That’s... so beautiful, unnie. Thank you.”

You shook your head fondly at the memory, staring at your own addition of two paper clips on the opposite bicep, sans the alcohol in your system. So, who’s to say which one of you is worse than the other?

You tried to unlock your phone but the brightness did too much damage to your eyes to where Face ID couldn’t recognize your look of disapproval. You quickly swiped the brightness all the way down to read the time.

5:43am

That meant you only slept an hour and a half after getting home.

You peeled off the skin-tight clothing your roommate had so lovingly forced you into and grabbed a loose fitting tee and shorts. You knew you had the weekend to recuperate since you’ve completed your work ahead of your deadline.

You poured yourself a glass of water and emptied it in the span of 10 seconds. You could feel your brain recovering from its shriveled state, as if the water seeped into your skull and was being soaked up. You wondered if Wheein, your ridiculously cute neuroscience major friend down the street, would be able to explain why that is.

You hummed to yourself as you grabbed another glass of water and a reusable metal straw before making your way back to your room, where Hyejin was convinced that your bed had healing properties since she never woke up with a hangover when she slept in your space.

“It’s like you just have this homey superpower.”

“Okay, unnie. Please stop eating your hair when I’m trying to feed you toast.”

You set the glass at your bedside table and decided to go through your phone’s notifications before rousing Hyejin awake.

You scrolled through the notifications, mostly people making sure that you both got home okay, Wooyoung sending you a money charge with the caption: I may have ordered you the taxi, but you’re paying for it. Love you noona xoxo

You scrolled until you saw a lone notification from Instagram (why? you haven’t posted in two weeks?) that nearly made you drop your phone in the same way your heart did.

[04:17] wzljh__ liked your post

Your hands shook as you stared at it.

You took a screenshot.

(Just in case.)

You clicked on the notification that took you straight to the post wzljh__ liked.

It was a random post from three years ago when you studied abroad in Japan during your junior year, where you were praying in front of a temple for, according to your caption, “to be able to change the world… and also get into a PhD program.”

You clicked on the usernames that indicated who liked your post. You couldn’t find the familiar handle anywhere. Secondhand embarrassment rushed through your veins and passed as quickly as it came.

You came to three conclusions at once.

1. Lee Jihoon reactivated his Instagram.

B. He didn’t block you.

III. He stalked your profile.

──────────────────

“Y/N, I really don’t think—”

“Jihoonie, I need to get more likes on my post. Therefore, I am making you this profile. You don’t even have to go on that often. Okay? You can deactivate it once I go viral enough to have the world at my disposal.”

“That’s never going to happen—”

“Believe in me more, would you?”

“Why should I?”

“Because I believe in you.”

──────────────────

Jihoon immediately reprimanded you, telling you that you didn’t need to appease anyone as a sixteen-year-old (God, he really was too mature for his own good) but your whining had him yielding once you promised that you’d catch up on One Piece over the weekend and that you would make a bento for him.

He only ever posted once (at your request), but he did like every single one of your posts back then, although, no one would know since those were all archived (for the sake of preserving your current social life by preventing the increase in Hyejin’s arsenal of embarrassing photos of you).

Only months later did you have that falling out and his deactivation quickly followed. You believed he wouldn’t ever reactivate his personal account, especially with his woozi_universefactory account set up for Pledis, which, even then, was hardly posted on.

You clicked on his profile to see the anonymous profile picture still there. You saw his followers list and saw only four names.

That once familiar wave of jealousy that plagued you for over a decade never came when you saw her name. It dissipated a few years back after a night of confessions and mascara stained tears, hushed whispers and muffled sobs tucked away in the corner of a Busan bar in the middle of winter.

You checked his following list and saw several musical artists as well as your own handle.

Wait. Where was hers?

You navigated to her page to make sure you weren’t completely delirious and your brain slowly caught up with your eyes.

He wasn’t following her.

You typed in her username to find her profile. Immediately, her beautiful smile shone brighter on the page than the dimly lit screen could do justice.

You never hated her. She was a confidant and a beloved person in your life. Still is. You were all childhood friends (along with your cousin) with deep ties and connections, although the same could not be said for you and Jihoon currently.

But you hated how it all turned out: she didn’t reciprocate feelings towards Jihoon, but didn’t have the courage to properly reject him either.

Because, who would ever want to let him go?

You did, your mind supplied.

You bit your tongue and wondered if Jihoon found out that she was proposed to by your cousin just over a month ago, the one who she spent her childhood years pining after.

Maybe that’s why he’s not following her anymore.

──────────────────

“Y/N.”

“Shh, Jihoon. I’m concentrating.”

“On what?”

“My wish!”

You felt a tug at your earlobe and your fourteen-year-old self squeaked out, “Why!”

“What’re you wishing for?”

“I can’t tell you! That’s not how wishes work…”

He let out a gruff noise and sat across from you, his bright red shorts and white shirt were definite contrasts against the dirt surrounding your two small bodies.

“I’ll tell you one of my wishes.”

“Wait, really?”

“Yeah. If you tell me one of yours.”

“You first.”

“Ladies first.”

“I asked and it’s only polite if you answer.”

He huffed. “You never make any sense.”

“Yes.”

He rolled his eyes before he cast his gaze down in a boyish way that was just so charming, you too had to look away. “I want the courage to be able to confess my feelings before it’s too late.”

You stared at the river and wondered whether it was deep enough to catch all the tears that wanted to spill themselves from out of you, the image of her coming to the forefront of your mind.

“Firefly?”

“Hm?”

“What about you?”

You forced a smile as your eyes met his.

“I want to be friends forever.”

You knew wishes would never come true if you said them out loud.

──────────────────

“Jesus Christ! How long have you been standing over me like a fucking creep?”

Your trip down memory lane was interrupted by Hyejin’s screeching. You promptly rolled your eyes. “Get up, Princess. I got some water for you.”

“I’m gonna spill it on my face—”

“I brought a straw too.”

“How about a diamond ring? Because if you popped the question, I’d say yes immediately.”

You resisted the urge to smack the smug grin on her face and pushed the water over to her. “You would want a diamond, wouldn’t you?”

“All-naturally mined. No lab made stuff. Spent enough time there myself. Don’t need a ring to remind me of it.”

“I’ll keep that in mind to tell Wheein—”

“Shut up.”

“You’re right. She probably already knows. Being childhood friends and all.”

“Shall I remind you of your unrequited childhood love?”

“‘S not the same,” you responded automatically. She raised an eyebrow. “Haven’t even seen him.”

“What? We rewatched their Melon performance literally two days ago, what the fuck you mean you haven’t seen—”

“I meant in person, unnie.”

She clicked her tongue. “And we went to the SEVENTEEN concert seven months ago. We would’ve gotten the fan sign too if you weren’t being so damn annoying about it.”

Your flustered response was enough to make Hyejin laugh at your expense. “I-I just wasn’t sure whether he would’ve even wanted to see me!”

She paused at your words.

You blinked owlishly at her. “What?”

“You used to say that you knew he didn’t want to see you. Now you’re not sure? What happened while I was passed out?”

You gulped.

She set her glass down quietly, a soft smile that seemed misplaced surrounded by her strained features.

“Bumblebee, take a seat.”

You promptly fell to your knees, feeling like explaining the situation would be akin to confessing your sins.

You only hoped she wouldn’t damn you to hell.

──────────────────

“Just slide into his DM’s.”

“Hell no.”

“Don’t talk to your unnie like that.”

You scoffed. “I’m not going to slide into his DM’s like some sad bitch who’s been yearning for over a decade.”

“...but isn’t that exactly what you are?”

You were so close to throwing your mimosa across the table. Too bad the American-inspired restaurant you were at only had half-off drinks during the weekday happy hour. You weren’t going to waste your full-priced flute of champagne and orange juice.

“Give me your phone.”

“No.”

“Bumblebee, I promise I won’t message him. Just give me your phone, I want to see his profile again.”

You took your pinky, made an ‘X’ over your heart with it, pressed the tip against your lips, and held it out for her to do the same.

“God, what are you, 5?”

“Pinky promises cannot be broken. If you break them, you break my trust.”

“You know, for someone who’s studied Psychology, you sure believe in a lot of non-evidence-based practices.”

You emphatically made your point by bringing your pinky closer to her. She sighed and hooked hers around yours. “Satisfied, bumbles?”

“Always, unnie. There’s something beautiful about how the biggest of promises are made with the littlest of fingers.”

The corner of her mouth quirked up at that.

She took your phone and turned it to where you could see her every move. She clicked Jihoon’s profile and went to his first and only post, already liked by your sixteen-year-old self.

She looked as though she were scrutinizing the caption. You expected her to try and formulate an idea of him that was separate from his stage persona.

What you didn’t expect was for her to unlike the post and quickly like it again.

“UNNIE!”

“Oh, bumblebee, I think you would have broken the sound barrier with how loud that was.”

You were too busy having a meltdown to realize the whispering voices around you, giving pointed looks of disdain. Hyejin smiled at everyone and bowed slightly in apology. She tossed your phone at you.

“You said you wouldn’t—”

“I didn’t message him, did I?”

Your mouth went dry while your tears welled up.

Hyejin recognized the consequences of her actions immediately. “Whoa, hey. Y/N, it’s okay. It’s okay. It’s fine.”

“You don’t get to decide if it’s fine or not.”

She flinched back at your harsh tone.

You stared blankly at the phone in front of you, the once red heart, drained white, and filled again with color in the span of a microsecond.

Your watery eyes met Hyejin’s concerned gaze.

You bit your lip. “Can you pull out your phone?”

She froze. “Why...?”

“Because I’m going to eat everything off of this brunch menu and you’re paying for it, so you’re going to have to make a transfer from your savings now.”

“...Yeah, okay. Fair.”

──────────────────

“They’re both cooked dough with butter and syrup.”

You gasped loudly. “Jihoon! Blasphemous!”

He gave you a deadpanned look. “Y/N, you mean to tell me that it’s really that important whether I decide between pancakes or waffles?”

“Waffles are obviously superior! They have little pockets that cradle the syrup, with crisp edges and fluffy insides!”

“There’s literally no one here that’s arguing against you right now.”

“I need you to agree with me!”

“No, you want me to.”

You plopped back down into the booth, shoulders slumped at a lost cause.

“...would it make you happy?”

“What?”

Jihoon cleared his throat. “I asked if it would make you happy. If I agreed that waffles are superior to pancakes.”

You stammered, a blush creeping up your neck at the question. “Uh, no. It was a dumb debate. I was just trying to be annoying. I—”

“It’s okay to let yourself be happy even over the dumb things, firefly.”

You twiddled with your thumbs and bit back the goofiest grin as you heard Jihoon call the waiter over to order your shared waffle platter, asking for, ‘enough syrup to fill each little pocket’.

You never saw Jihoon eat pancakes after that day, always opting for the obviously superior choice. 

―――――――――――――――――

The joy of eating butter and carbs and sugar from that day was not enough to sustain you through the week once you realized you had a paper deadline that was sooner than you remembered.

Your eyes ran over the words again, nearly questioning your sanity when it felt like you spent the last thirty minutes trying to reorganize your paper in a way that was cohesive. You spent so much time unlearning the APA 6th edition format to relearn the APA 7th edition, and then moving back to Korea made you throw all of that out the window. Therefore, your mind was a jumbled mess of DOI numbers and misplaced periods.

This paper was due in less than a week and you still found yourself questioning whether the literature review was comprehensive enough to cover all twenty sources you were required to include. Two pages. A list of twenty sources that took up approximately three-fourths of your second page. A singular paragraph of literature review on peer-reviewed articles studying the risk factors of suicide in Korean adolescents before needing to address implications and future research and potential programs that could address these issues.

“Nothing is real,” you muttered to yourself.

You glanced around the library and noticed a scarcity of other human beings. You groaned to yourself as you realized you hadn’t moved from your seat in over eight hours and the library was due to close in ten minutes.

You wanted to stab yourself in the neck when you remembered you still had the Social Welfare 101 class’s papers to grade. You knew that they needed feedback on their writing and you also knew they saw you as a pushover, so the papers are very likely lackluster, especially since the class was filled with people who were trying to get their Humanities credit for their degree in another field.

“Become a doctor, they said. It will be worth it, they said,” your hushed-tone almost mocking.

One of the other TAs from the Educational Psychology department had offered to take some of the grading from you, knowing that you had several large projects due soon, but you quickly brushed off the offer, saying that you could handle it.

A few stray tears slid down your face as you felt overwhelmed by the entirety of the last four years. You graduated early from Yale and dove straight into a doctoral program you could have easily put off by working for a few years.

You removed your glasses and buried your face into your hands, allowing yourself five minutes of reprieve. Just five. Before you needed to pack up and get back to work.

Why are you trying so hard to prove yourself?

──────────────────

[tw: suicide mention]

“Social work is a useless field, Y/N.”

You grit your teeth. “Eomeonim, I—”

“Did you think I wouldn’t see your interview in the school newsletter? Saying you want to go to Seoul National University and study social work? No daughter of mine is going to go into a field that has no chance of finding a job that makes money. You think that your Abeonim and I will be supporting you for the rest of your life? What will the neighbors say, huh?”

“Eomma—”

“No, you do not get to call me that, you ungrateful child. I did not work as hard as I did to put you through the additional tutoring and classes I have for you to just betray me like this.”

Bile rose up in your throat and you choked back the tears threatening to spill.

“Oh, and there she goes, being dramatic again. You don’t think I feel like crying too? You want to become a social worker? You want to help people? How can you do that when you’re so selfish?”

Your nails dug themselves into the meat of your palms, but not hard enough to cause pain, not when your nervous habit of biting them whittled them down to stubs.

“Get out. Come back when your head is clear.”

You moved, but not too hastily so as to signal her to your anxiety, for you were just a prey and she was the apex predator. You kept your gaze downcast and zipped up your designer brand backpack before looping your arms through the pristinely kept straps. Your family had a reputation throughout the town to keep. And you were the heir to it all.

All of the glamour.

All of the charisma.

All of the pressure.

All of the pride.

All of the distrust.

All of the insecurity.

All of the underlying self-hatred.

You shut the door behind you softly and wrapped your arms around you, letting your feet carry you to the one place you knew you could find solace.

Once you arrived, picking a fallen leaf off of your skirt, you knocked weakly at the window pane.

Jihoon glanced up from his desk and made his way to open it for you. “Hey, firefly.”

You quietly slipped through the frame.

“Bad day?”

“Do you ever, just, think about stopping?”

Jihoon blinked once. “Stopping what?”

“Life, I guess.”

He remained silent and he uncrossed his arms so you knew, at least physically, he was open to listening to you. This wasn’t the first time you brought up this subject to him.

“I could just end it all, Jihoon. I could just have it all be over. My parents wouldn’t have to worry anymore. They wouldn’t have to be so disgusted by the fact that they birthed such an ungrateful and selfish child.”

Jihoon breathed deeply through his nose. You knew how much it stirred up his insides whenever you talked about this, but he would reiterate that your safety was always more important than his comfort.

“I should just do it, right? That’ll prove something to them. That’ll show them that they’re not the perfect people everyone makes them out to be. They drove their daughter to this. Oh, but. They might just use it as an excuse to garner more attention. Woe is the perfect family in Busan, they struggle with loss, just like us. But… I could just end it all now. It could all be over, Jihoon. I have that power.”

“You do, firefly. You could end it all.”

Your head shot up so fast you nearly got whiplash. You were expecting soft!Jihoon, not whatever this was. You spluttered, “I’m sorry, what?”

“You’re the one who said it.”

“Are you saying I should just do it then?”

“No,” Jihoon said evenly. “I’m just saying that you do have that power. But you also have the power not to. You have the power to continue on.”

“But I don’t want to.”

“But you have to.”

“I don’t have to do anything, Jihoon!”

Jihoon clicked his tongue at your raised tone. “Whoa, hey. You’re the one who always says you have to jump through hoops in order to ‘earn’ love. I’m not the one who taught you that bullshit; go talk to your parents about that.”

“But they’re right!”

“No, they’re not.”

“Shut up! You don’t know me!”

“Y/N, I have spent more time with you than those sorry excuses of parental figures ever have!”

“Those are my parents!”

“Yeah, and they’re assholes!”

“You’re the one who doesn’t know! They’re the ones who see me, who know me best. They raised me. They know how disappointing I am. They know how useless I am. They know! They’re the ones who know just how unworthy I am!”

“God! Why do you care so much?! Why are you trying so hard to prove yourself?!”

You sucked in a sharp breath. Your bottom lip trembled as your voice came out, horribly fragile, a complete contrast to your sharp tone from just moments ago. “I… Because it’s me, Jihoon. I’m either too much for people or I’m never enough. So, I have to do everything perfectly to prove that I’m worthy. I have to be better than anyone else. Because I have to make up for the fact that it’s me.”

You were openly sobbing.

“But… you’re not better than anyone else, firefly.”

You tried to muffle your tears enough to hear Jihoon’s voice over your crying. Your eyes met his and you expected to see pity, but instead, his facial expression remained as neutral, a steadfast look in his eyes amidst all of your wavering.

“Firefly, you suck at Super Smash Bros. You’ve never won a game against me. Not even one. In like, ten whole years. Also, you’re really bad at timing when ramyeon noodles are done. You always overcook them. You cry when you see a fat seagull waddling down the shoreline. You can’t eat spicy food to save your life. You use too many emojis when you type. You can’t even jog 100m without wanting to pass out. You get so angry that you blow up at others and shame them for making you angry, but you hate it when people are mad at you. You refuse to share your food when it’s still warm, but force me to finish it when you’re full. You don’t trust others enough to do their part of the work so you never let anyone else help you. You have a nervous habit of saying stupid random facts when a pretty girl talks to you. You once poured milk before the cereal. You’re full of flaws.”

Your lips were pressed in a thin line, but the tears had ceased approximately halfway through his listing of your traits.

“You are not the best. By any means. Mediocre, even.”

“I’m kind of hurt.”

Jihoon snorted. “You don’t know everything, firefly. You’re not always going to be the smartest in the room. You’re not the best that ever existed. You never will be. But you’re never too much. And you’re always enough. And although your parents and nearly every adult in this town could think otherwise, you will meet people, people like noona, like hyung, like me, who will still care about you even when you’re being a shitty little brat like you are now. People who will still care about you even when you’re not number one.” 

“…You don’t know that.”

“Neither do you.”

──────────────────

“Do you ever think about generational trauma?”

Hyejin gave you a sideways glance. “Do we need to pull out the therapy chair and the rosé for this?”

You swatted the offer away. “I’m serious.”

“What d’you mean then, bumblebee?”

“I just think about my parents and the pressure that was probably put on them from their parents and the parents before. But with each generation, no one decided to try and break the cycle. They just kept taking their hurt and putting it onto the next. It’s just… I don’t know. It’s not just my family. It’s prevalent… everywhere. Did you know that South Korea has one of the highest rates of suicide in all of the OECD countries, second only to Lithuania? Common risk factors among adolescents tend to be academic pressure and family issues. So. I know it’s not just me. The numbers don’t lie.”

“Is this related to the paper you were working on earlier?”

You pondered for a moment. “I think researching adolescents and suicidality might’ve triggered some old memories, yeah.”

“Are you…?”

“Okay,” you finished her question. “The thoughts only come when I’m feeling overwhelmed with stuff. And it being our last semester, it’s just… a lot is being demanded of us. Classes, projects, thesis defense. I’m feeling, I dunno, a little helpless.”

“Hmm, I’m remembering some wise words from my undergraduate roommate at Yale~” Hyejin said, in a sing-song voice. “She said that the best way to stop feeling helpless is…?”

You glared.

“The best way to stop feeling helpless iiiiiis…?”

“...to ask for help.”

“Wow, right on the money.”

You decidedly messaged your fellow TA to ask them to help alleviate some of your workload to which they happily agreed.

Which you only gained the courage to ask for after a straight-winning streak in several online matches of Super Smash Ultimate.

You weren’t mediocre.

You just realized he wasn’t either.

──────────────────

Just a few days later, on a rare weekend where you managed to pull away from schoolwork, you found yourself in the attic of the group home you worked on-and-off at for the past four years, sorting through boxes of tattered toys, gathering the ones necessary to put through the washer. You laid down on the floor, the rickety boards beneath you groaning at your weight. You passively wondered whether a cartoon moment would happen and the group home inhabitants would find a you-shaped hole in their ceiling.

You reached into your own backpack and pulled out your own toy of sorts. You threw it up in the air only to let gravity do the work to bring it back into your hold. You had to be careful to not give yourself a black eye like you did a few years back.

“Whoa, you played baseball?”

You glanced at the tattered ball in your hand, the stitching almost undone, the yarn beginning to peek through. The color was no longer a pristine white, but that only proved its history of handling. “Choi Sannie, what about me says ‘athlete’?”

“Hey,” your younger coworker put his arms up in defense, fully climbing into the attic space now. “I know all of the things we have here at the home, and that is definitely not one of them. So that means that’s yours. Or you stole it—” He gasped loudly in delight. “You stole—!”

“No, dumbass.”

He deflated. He knelt down on the floor next to you, inspecting the baseball without taking it in his hands, careful to not overstep your boundaries. You taught him all about consent; Choi San was a wild child, but he knew respect. “May I see?”

You tossed it casually over to him.

“Is this handwriting? I can barely read it.”

“Even if it was brand new, I promise that handwriting would be illegible to the average person anyways.”

“You’re not average though.”

“Of course not.”

“So, what does it say?”

“Gwangan-dong, Busan, August 2.”

“Was it a gift?”

“Yeah.”

“From who?”

“An old friend.”

“Why keep it?”

You hummed softly.

“For the days that feel like I’ve lost.”

──────────────────

Lee Jihoon was a boy who demanded attention. And he always had it. But not because he would go parade and peacock around for the sake of trying to earn it. He naturally caught it, with collected looks and smooth words. Everyone in your town knew him: his ability to work hard and even more, his ability to achieve. He never needed to do anything to garner more attention because all of it was already on him. Even at the perfect attention-craving age of thirteen.

Lee Jihoon would never show off.

You had been to every single one of Jihoon’s baseball games, cheering silently when he made a great call, throwing mental expletives when things were going awry. You knew his mannerisms, his tells. Hell, you even knew the code for when the coach beckoned his players to steal a base.

So, you knew when Jihoon was showing off.

You wanted to gag at the sight of him puffing out his chest while he wore his catcher gear. You often believed him to be beyond this world but the reality quickly slapped you back as you wondered why exactly he was being so obnoxious.

Your unnie turned to you, “It’s almost over, yes?”

You wanted to laugh at the fact it seemed like she aged an additional year for every inning. “Yes, unnie.”

“I don’t understand how there’s no timer.”

“It’s done by the number of outs.”

She nodded, but you knew she didn’t actually take it in, since you repeated that fact three times over the course of the past two hours.

“Our Jihoonie’s doing well, right?”

“Yep, as per usual.”

“I really don’t understand baseball, lovebug.”

You pat her shoulder. “It’s alright. I don’t mind telling you. Although, you might want to ask oppa more about it. He knows more than I do. He messaged me and said he’ll be here in about five minutes so he can take us all out for dinner after.”

She froze. You quirked an eyebrow.

You noticed the redness creeping up her neck.

“Oh my God. Unnie! Do you like my cous—?”

Before she could say anything to defend herself, you felt the bleachers around you shift in tandem and you nearly toppled over until she caught you.

Your eyes found Jihoon, who was holding the ball that sealed their fate: they won. He won.

You saw him and his teammates gather together, his mask coming off to reveal his black hair sticking to his forehead and his ever-so-brilliant smile.

Oh no. You were so smitten.

After several moments of trying to push through the crowd, you finally reach a place where you spot Jihoon animatedly speaking to your unnie, who managed to get ahead of you by several paces.

You immediately froze.

Even from this far away, you could see his eyes clearly. Of course, you could. You were so practiced in searching for them, in times of joy, in mourning, in dancing, in sorrow. In those dark irises, swirled something so raw, your breathing became ragged. You saw the way he looked at her. You knew the look in his eyes.

Because you’d caught glimpses of it in yours in passing mirrors whenever you were with him.

How long did it take you to realize?

Suddenly, you wanted to be anywhere but there.

You rushed backwards, much easier to run away than it was to charge forth. You ran and ran and ran until you reached the back of the bleachers where you crumpled down onto your knees, effectively getting grass stains on your poor clothes.

“Mommy! Mommy! There’s someone crying!”

“Baby, no—let’s go over here.”

“She’s an ugly crier, like you!”

You cursed the fact that children were basically sober drunks and said whatever was on their mind. The fateful “u” word that repeated itself obsessively in your mind.

You thought of your unnie.

Your beautiful, elegant, sweet, soft unnie.

Of course Jihoon would prefer her.

He was pulled into her gravity with no room for resistance. His crescent smiles faced her, never to show his dark side, for she was the earth he orbited: captivating and delicate.

Why would he even care to ever look your way?

You were a given; never a prize to be sought. You were unrefined and blundering in your demeanor. You were on the crux of puberty, an awkward and horrendous time that consisted of your skin deteriorating, hormones running rampant, and just. So. Many. Emotions.

Ugly.

“Whoa, whoa, ladybug, is that you?”

You glanced up, not even bothering to wipe away the dribbling mess that was on your face. Your cousin stared in horror at your tears.

“God, you look horrible.”

A broken sob ripped through your chest and your cousin quickly realized he made a mistake. He scooped you up into his arms and held you as you cried, cried, cried.

If jealousy was the ugliest trait, you must have been downright hideous.

Later, you had your face tucked into your cousin’s chest as he apologized to Jihoon and your unnie, who both reached for you, but your cousin, in his typical knight-in-shining armor fashion, brushed them aside and pulled you closer. He convinced them that you received some off-putting remarks from your parents and didn’t want to talk about it (a regular occurrence), so he would take you back to his place to cheer you up with some Disney movies and freshly squeezed lemonade.

Your unnie offered condolences and a swift pat on your head before she called her dad to come pick her up, all of you waiting until she drove off.

Jihoon spent the time waiting listing off a myriad of your needs (“You have to make sure you have the double Kleenex, okay? The other ones leave weird fuzz on her cheeks. And don’t let her wash the dishes when she’s sad because she doesn’t realize how hot the water actually is and ends up rubbing her skin raw. And make sure you use simple syrup for the lemonade and not just sugar, she hates the crystals.”) while he packed his gear away, preparing to walk back on his own, his home not too far away from the baseball field.

You felt your cousin squirm at the prospect of Jihoon having to carry all of his gear after playing a two-hour game and having no food in his stomach. “Wait—Jihoon, I can give you a ride.”

He looked back at him, glanced at you, probably noticing the way your shoulders still trembled, and shook his head firmly.

“Here, firefly.”

Your body reacted before your mind could catch up to realize what it was doing. You saw a small object in the air, falling within your arms reach.

So, you caught it.

Your eyes trailed up to meet his, momentarily forgetting he was the sole cause of your meltdown.

His jaw clenched so hard, you cowered slightly.

“Why are you giving me this?”

You cringed at the sound of your voice, gruff and raspy.

“It’s your win today.”

You blinked rapidly. “Huh?”

Jihoon sighed and you wondered if he just considered you a petulant child.

“Even when you feel like you’ve lost, even when you feel like you have nothing to gain, just the fact that you’re still here, that’s a win. So. Scream. Cry. You can do what you want. It’s your win.”

Your gaze trailed down to the baseball, too large to wrap your fingers around entirely. It was much denser than you thought it would be, the weight foreign in your hands.

You sniffled, the corner of your mouth upturned.

Before you could say anything, Jihoon immediately turned on his heel and walked away.

You looked up and caught your cousin staring at Jihoon’s retreating form with a bemused look. 

“Alright, ladybug, let’s get you home. Your parents are probably preparing dinner right now.”

“You promised Disney and lemonade.”

Your cousin sighed dramatically. “I guess I did,” he ruffled your hair to which you let out a prolonged, annoyed groan. “Which movie?”

You pondered for a moment. “Hercules?”

You thought of Jihoon and his reputation throughout your town: attention-grabbing, diligent, admirable, heroic.

But most of all, kind.

“You got good taste, ladybug.”

─��────────────────

“Does today feel like a lost day?”

You resisted the urge to mess with the singular faded green streak running through San’s hair, a test subject from when Hyejin wanted you to dye her hair, but you didn’t want to try it out on yourself nor buy a synthetic wig. A rebellious eighteen-year-old was the best option at the time. “No. It doesn’t.”

“Then why do you have this?” He inquired again.

“Because I can do what I want, San. It’s my win.”

He pulled a face of indignation at your rare (at least to him) display of childishness. Your phone pinged on top of your thigh, alerting you to its presence.

[12:42] wzljh__ liked your post

You bit back a grin, knowing San would question you endlessly if he caught it. So you tucked it away, for a later time, where you could be alone and smile as widely as you wanted to. He was getting more and more bold. Hyejin’s action, you knew, was what spurred him on. You wanted to laugh in disbelief.

Lee Jihoon was a man who demanded attention.

And he always had it.

──────────────────

“No, no. Noona, you promised.”

“I did no such thing.”

Wooyoung scoffed at your words. He pulled out his phone and his nimble thumbs quickly found what he was looking for, signified by a soft ‘ah-hah!’. “You said you would help me try and secure BTS tickets. You’re the only other person that I know that has the ARMY Membership.”

You glanced at his screen and saw your drunk state and you resisted the urge to keel over at the sight. You heard your slurred words promising the very thing Wooyoung was asking of you now. “I wasn’t sober enough to realize what I was saying. Also, what kind of person films their drunk friend and coerces them into promising to get BTS tickets?”

“I never said I was a good person, noona.”

“Ask San or Seonghwa.”

“They don’t have the ARMY Membership,” Wooyoung repeated, emphasizing the last two words. “I’m out here trying to secure the front section. It’s close enough to the stage where I can see Jimin-hyung’s sweat without the screen.”

You grimaced. “Weird ass fanboy.”

“You cannot deny that he is a beautiful man,” Wooyoung said pointedly. “Although, I assume your type is like 15cm shorter and a muscle bunny.”

“He’s only 11cm shorter, sir.”

“Okay, okay. Keep defending your boyfriend.”

You spluttered, instinctively responding with what you said for most of your middle and high school days to those around you. “He’s not my boyfriend!”

Wooyoung gave you a ‘duh’ look. “No shit. You’ve never even met him because you refuse to get the fan signing tickets because you’re a weak ass coward.”

Well. He was definitely right about one of those things. You often forget that you’ve kept your history with him private from most except Hyejin.

(And Wheein.)

(Because Hyejin told her.)

(Luckily, Wheein is a lot more considerate than her boisterous and loose-lipped counterpart.)

“Wooyoungie, you’re really not making me want to help you here, you know.”

“Noona, please.”

He looked at you with his wide brown eyes and jutted out his bottom lip. The thick black frames on the bridge of his nose gave off the impression of innocence, something you would never again associate with the young man in front of you.

His eyes lit up once he visibly saw your determination crumble.

You bit your lip. “You’re paying for this pizza. And we get pineapples on it.”

“I love you~ You are a goddess I am unworthy of even perceiving~ I worship the the ground you walk on, O sweet and kind deity~”

Your mouth twitched. “A ‘thank you’ would suffice.”

Wooyoung looked at you, a serious look in his eye, took your hand and squeezed it. He gave you a smile that almost melted away your disdain. “Thank you, noona.”

“Men like you give women trust issues.”

“Yeah, probably.”

──────────────────

“I couldn’t express my feelings because I was too young. I wanted to be your tomorrow, so I lived today. Ever since the first day I saw you until now, in my heart, it’s only you. These typical words, I’m only saying them now. But I hope these typical words will reach you. Thank you, thank you. That’s all I can say. Even all the waiting, all the longing. And all of our memories. Thank you, thank you.”

You half-hoped they would perform this song, half-hoped they wouldn’t. It rendered your heart weak, almost wringing it through with the lyrics and melody, the implication. There was a deep yearning within you that wished these lyrics could have been for you, once upon a time.

You hid yourself with a black face mask and wore a baseball cap. Hyejin told you that you were making yourself look even more conspicuous by wearing such garb, but you couldn’t risk being noticed. You wanted to see him, but in a way that didn’t require vulnerability. Plus, your tears were easier to hide.

Hyejin held your hand, her fingers intertwined with yours, the two of you uncharacteristically calm and still unlike the other CARATs around you, all of whom were cheering and swinging their lightsticks in tandem.

She gave your hand a tight squeeze.

You thought back to what was seemingly a mundane day, going on one of your grocery shopping trips at a Trader Joe’s while still living in New Haven, Connecticut.

The days leading up to your shopping trip, you were a mess of a human being, weighed down by the amount of work you still had left to complete, hardly able to be present in your own life, instead simply watching it go by. Hyejin took over your chores for the week, bought you sweets, stayed up with you even if she finished her own work, made sure to send kind text messages randomly throughout the day, and was all around the best supporter you could have asked for.

You kept apologizing to her for not being able to reciprocate, the only words that your mouth had the energy to form were, “I’m sorry.” And she would, each time, just pat your head with a soft chuckle and say, “You don’t have to keep saying that, you know. You don’t have to say that you’re sorry.”

But you weren’t sure of what you could say instead, so you said nothing at all.

Your grocery trip was made to be more of an adventurous outing that matched the energy that you were able to procure, as cooping yourself indoors only intensified your feelings of stress. However, you were on the mend from the disastrous week, as you finished up your work the day prior to your little trip to the grocery store.

(You couldn’t help but think your ability to even leave your apartment was because of Hyejin.)

After gathering all of the ingredients to cook carbonara (with extra pancetta!) and loading them up in your car, Hyejin offered to return the shopping cart to its designated location.

You saw her from afar and suddenly something overwhelmed you.

You knew what to say instead of: ‘I’m sorry.’

“Bumblebee?”

“Thank you.”

Hyejin gave you a raised eyebrow. “Yeah? Of course.”

“No, I mean...”

You paused. What did you mean?

Did you even have a right to express yourself? That’s all you seemed to do during the week and it was almost embarrassing trying to say something now. Like, this wasn’t the right time and place. The butter was melting in the car.

“Actually, never mind. Don’t worry about it.”

I couldn’t express my feelings because I was too young.

She gave a pointed look and said, “Uh. Alright.”

But something tugged at you. A gentle reminder from a gentle person with a seemingly rough personality.

These typical words, I’m only saying them now. But I hope these typical words will reach you.

If he could do it, so could you.

Before she could get into the passenger seat, you called out again, “Actually!”

She glanced your way, still visibly confused.

You took a deep breath. “Thank you for returning the cart. But, ah, more than that. Thank you for coming to the store with me. Thank you for spending time with me. Thank you for consoling me. Thank you for living with me. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for staying by my side. Thank you for loving me.”

You couldn’t hold back your tears, so you didn’t. Your beloved friend did not fare much better.

She was in a state of what seemed like hysteria, laughing with tears streaming down her face. “What the heck, dude? What’s the matter with you? God, I love you so much.”

She took you into her arms and you both cried in the middle of a Trader Joe’s parking lot.

Your heart was filled with gratitude as the thirteen boys on stage interlocked their fingers in a pinky promise to love their fans. You mirrored the action as you took Hyejin’s pinky and interlocked yours with hers. She glanced at you and you gave a smile from behind your mask, trusting she knows what you mean. Trusting that she hears the promise you are making to her, to yourself.

Promising to always be thankful.

Promising to always love.

But if she could not hear the wordless promise echoing in your chest, you knew you would repeat it aloud to her for as long as she needed. To whoever needed it.

Because although those words may be typical, they were still worth saying.

That is a lesson an old friend taught you.

An old friend whose smile now shone as bright as the stage lights that lingered on his form.

──────────────────

Three weeks later, you were up to your neck in deadlines. You were demanded at every possible place you frequented. In the research labs, in the recruitment office, in your collective TAs room, in the group home you volunteered for.

Hypothetically, there should have been no room in your mind for Lee Jihoon.

Too bad you saw him everywhere.

Not just explicitly, like the way his idol group overtook the internet with selfies here and tweets there and ridiculous fan edit videos everywhere.

But rather, in the crevices of Seoul, in the freshly cooked rice found at your favorite family restaurant, ready to serve piping hot meals with heaping portions of a mother’s love, in the off-key melodies sung unapologetically by a circle of children in the middle of the neighborhood park, not caring who’s there to witness, performing for any and all, in the rhythm of the city thrumming beneath your soles and at your fingertips, ready to sweep you off your feet if you gave it the chance.

You saw him everywhere.

That included your notification center.

[15:32] wzljh__ commented on your post—

Your vision blurred.

Was this what cardiac arrest felt like?

A comment? A comment? You were plenty satisfied with the likes on your post, but a comment meant direct interaction, not mindless scrolling and double tapping.

The ringing in your ears was prevalent and you knew for the sake of your body and soul, you needed to shut it all away.

You pushed aside the thoughts, compartmentalized like they taught you during your clinical therapy program, and shoved your phone far into the depths of your unorganized bag.

You breathed in.

You breathed out.

You had work to do.

──────────────────

“Hey, so, it’s noona’s birthday on Sunday—” 

“I know, Jihoon, you haven’t shut up about it for the past two weeks.”

“Okay, okay. Fine. But I’ve spent so long trying to find a gift for her and I still can’t find anything. Can’t you, just like, come with me to the market for the day? I’ve never spent so much time and effort trying to find a damn gift for a birthday before. I’ll buy us dinner and we can stop by that dessert stand with the black sesame soft serve.”

“I told you. I have college prep exams I have to worry about. You want to woo her? You can. Easily. Lee Jihoon, anyone would be lucky to be loved by you.”

He breathed out a long sigh. “...thanks, firefly.”

You gave a stiff nod before walking away, the singular cardstock invitation (since you only made one for him because he teased you endlessly for your homemade invitations in the fifth-grade and you committed yourself to spite him every year from then on) you scrawled a date on in two week’s time weighing heavily in your bag. You bit your bottom lip to try and prevent the tears from slipping.

Guess your birthday wasn’t worth putting time and effort in.

At least, that’s what you thought until you found a small package in your first-year high school locker on that fateful day, in two week’s time.

Inside a poorly wrapped box, you found a card and a keychain of three tiny medals: simply drawn hands interlocking at their pinkies, the infinity symbol, and a crescent moon.

Tears welled up in your eyes as you opened the card envelope slowly, afraid your shaking hands would accidentally tear apart the paper. The card was homemade and purposefully horrendous (he claims; although, knowing his crafting skills, you weren’t so sure) with his haphazard, yet endearing scrawl.

You read the words once. Twice. Three times.

Moved them away from your eyes so the tears wouldn’t fall and smudge them.

“I saw these charms two months ago and immediately thought of you.

You said anyone would be lucky to be loved by me.

Guess you’re a pretty lucky person.

Happy birthday, firefly.

- Jihoonie

P.S. I have a sun on mine, if you end up wanting to switch.”

And so you skipped the first ten minutes of your last class to fold in on yourself in one of the second-floor girls’ bathroom stalls. You muffled your cries against your sleeve because it’s just so utterly him that you couldn’t even think straight.

When he finds you after school, eyes puffed and disheveled, you half-expected him to comfort you, because it was your birthday and, to most people, that warranted special treatment.

Instead he laughed loudly at your tattered self, pinched your reddened nose with a grip you could say bordered on assault, and said, “Come on, let’s go get some cake and ice cream. I’ll pay.”

You glared at him. “You hate cake and ice cream.”

He merely grinned at you. “Not today, I won’t. You really are lucky to have me, aren’t you?”

Even with the way he teased you relentlessly for all seven blocks to the place you frequented when your pockets were lined with allowance, the dessert shop with the fresh cream green tea cake topped with fruit you knew Jihoon was gonna take when you weren’t looking, even with his eyes filled with mischief and cheeks filled with stolen strawberries, you couldn’t help but agree.

──────────────────

“He’s been pretty bold lately.”

You cocked your head to the side as you pulled your lunchbox out onto the cafeteria table. You spread the items out in an orderly fashion and Hyejin nearly sneered at the display, but you ignored her. “Hrm? What d’you mean?”

“I mean, he’s been liking more and more of your posts. He also commented today. Isn’t that bold? Considering you haven’t spoken in years? What happens if he’s just, I dunno, playing with you?”

You bit the inside of your cheek. “Is it dumb to say that it’s just a gut instinct that everything is okay?”

“Again, what is the point of your higher education? Gut instincts aren’t exactly evidence-based.”

You unwrapped your sandwich and your eye twitched at the sauce that dribbled down. Damn. You could’ve sworn you had the right ratio this time. 

You took a bite, your tongue slipping out to catch the excess sauce. You chewed thoughtfully before swallowing. You mindlessly tapped your fingers against the bread before you spoke.

“I dunno how to explain it, unnie. I know all of my observations have been just… through likely scripted scenes and concerts. And I know it’s dumb to think that he’s still the same kid from way back when, but even seeing him interacting with his members… It just seems like he’s happy. Not just the superficial kinda happy, but the everlasting contentment and joy kinda happy. So. I don’t think he’s going to ruin that by trying to dredge up stuff that could ruin it. Or plot revenge. I just... don’t sense any ill intentions. And I never have, even when all that shit happened.”

“Hm… I honestly don’t know the guy, but it does just sound like he made one choice in an unfortunate circumstance. Big decision in the midst of big emotions,” Hyejin murmured.

“So did I,” you said pointedly.

She smirked at that. “Yeah, but you ended up with me, so I’m okay with your choice. But, also maybe, I just trust your judgment a little too much. But, if you consider him as wonderful as you say he is, then. I believe you. Plus, I feel like his lyrics and videos that I’ve seen are proof that he’s not a complete piece of shit.”

“Ah, yes. Thank you for thinking he’s not the scum of the earth.”

“Yes. Just a rung above that. If I ever meet him, I’ll definitely punch him. For your honor.”

“Hah. Thanks, unnie. I’m sure that your stick arms will do a lot of damage.”

“Of course.”

The two of you laughed.

Hyejin hummed. “Do you ever blame him?”

“For what?”

“Leaving before you.”

You raised a brow as you set your sandwich down to bring your attention to your apple slices, peeled in a way to make them look like bunny rabbits. After dunking it into some peanut butter, you decapitated its head with your teeth. “Blame is a funny thing.”

“What d’you mean by that?”

“I mean, think about it, unnie,” you began. “Do I blame him for leaving when I was the one who decided to leave first?”

Hyejin clicked her tongue. “But he left without even saying ‘goodbye’ or even warning you.”

“Mm, yeah. But... I mean, do I blame him for leaving before me when he could blame me for deciding to leave first? Or do I keep going and blame him for making me fall in love with him or could he turn that around and blame me for having feelings in the first place? Do I go further and blame him for defending me from bullies in first grade or does he blame me by trying to become friends by giving him a seashell? Do I blame him for being born or does he blame me for the same thing? Blame is an endless cycle and trying to pin the entire thing on one person or one event is hard. At least, in this instance, you know? There wasn’t a clear cut perpetrator and victim here.”

Hyejin picked at her nails. “You really have a different kinda brain, don’t you, bumblebee?”

You chuckled. “It’s gotten me this far.”

A silence fell over the two of you as you stared at your bunny apple slices, eventually fed up at the odd number of them and choosing to sacrifice one to your stomach for the sake of your peace of mind. 

After a few moments, you spoke again.

“I used to be real angry with him.”

“Yeah, you told me you used to be a fiery little thing. Plus, I heard you blow up at that student athlete who was dishing out homophobic slurs near the Student Center. When you’re angry, whew. I wouldn’t ever wanna be caught in the crossfire.”

You snorted. “Yeah, well, he would often be. I don’t think you can grow up with and know a person for, like, sixteen years and not ever be angry with them. Especially when that person is a prepubescent boy who knows all the little things that grinds your gears.”

“God forbid having feelings for men.”

“Women aren’t that much better,” you reminded Hyejin. She paused for a moment before agreeing to your sentiment. You knew too many of the silly arguments her and Wheein have had over the past two decades.

“Honestly, though. I think he’s one of the only people I ever felt safe enough to even be angry around. So, he usually got the brunt of it all. Honestly, he should’ve left me faster. I was a mess to deal with at the time.”

Hyejin pulled a face at your self-pity. You merely offered a small smile and she rolled her eyes. “So, you were still angry at him when we were at Yale?”

You swallowed another apple bunny. “Absolutely. Remember New York?”

“Which time?”

You snorted. “Specifically the one where we went during the Fourth of July. Where I had hook-ups after hook-ups and had to get a pregnancy test and an STD screening. Where we went bar-hopping literally every night because I wanted to drown in my sorrows. The one that you got on that stranger’s shoulders to shoot off an illegal firecracker.”

“The trip where you got so drunk, you screamed at a man that turned out to be a statue.”

“Hey, in my defense, he looked like an asshole.”

“I’m sure many people would agree with you that Christopher Columbus is indeed an asshole.”

You both laughed.

Your voice lowered to barely above a whisper, Hyejin physically needing to lean in to catch your words.

“I… was angry that he made promises he couldn’t keep. I was angry that he decided to walk out of my life without asking to even try. I was angry that he didn’t even care to ask why I was wanting to leave. That he didn’t care enough to want to know what I was doing. I was angry that he dropped me so fast. I was angry that he moved to Seoul as a last ‘screw you’ because he didn’t want to try and talk it out. I was angry that he was angry. But above all, I was angry at myself that it took me so long to let myself even feel the anger because I blamed myself for everything.”

You let out a shaky breath.

“At the time, I had a sixteen-year-old’s anger and heartbreak and a twenty-one-year-old’s body and ID. So, that anger manifested itself into drunken nights of hedonistic debauchery and cursing out loud for the first time ever, right at a statue of a colonizing murderer.”

You thought she would laugh at your phrasing, but instead, she merely took you in. You wanted to shrink back at her scrutinizing gaze.

“Does it still bother you?”

“...No, not really,” you admitted. “I just woke up one day and realized that I missed him so much more than I was angry at him. At me. Eventually the anger just kind of… faded. I mean, he was hurt when I left. And if he felt like I was leaving him, then it makes sense he would try to do the same in some kind of twisted adolescent retribution. I’m not saying that either of us deserved that kind of treatment, but I mean, we were sixteen and dumb. As a former sixteen-year-old, any kind of change felt like the world ending.”

“As a former sixteen-year-old, I would have to agree,” Hyejin nodded. “Do you ever regret it?”

You shoved another sliced apple into the peanut butter. This time, not picking it up. You stared down at it as you tried to formulate your thoughts. You replied softly after some time, “No.”

“Nothing?”

Your mind trailed back to the time you spent chasing your dream of studying abroad, establishing your place in the world without depending every little decision on him, running after dream after dream and fulfilling them through your own power and accord.

And you thought, as beautiful as the experiences were, you wished you could share the stories with him. He was always your best audience member, applauding your every word and exaggerated action. Sometimes laughing and jeering and heckling, but always, always, always attentive.

You chased your dreams. You always have.

All except one.

But it was okay.

Because he gave you so much more in those fleeting years than the world could ever have supplied in millions.

“No, nothing.”

────────────────── “Do you still love him?”

Hyejin watched you over the years. You grew and healed, evolved from a bumbling adolescent mess, bright-eyed and terrified, into a full-fledged woman who learned that all most had to offer was a quick fix and prolonged heartbreak. Someone who decided to be kind because she knew first-hand that the world was not. A woman who wanted to be a love letter from the universe. Someone so strong, yet so fragile to the workings of the world because you always allowed your heart to be vulnerable.

She never knew anyone who loved for the sake of loving.

Someone whose living was loving.

Not until she met you.

Your lips pressed into a thin line, but it slowly curved at the ends. “I think I always will.”

Hyejin’s heart felt constricted in her chest; she wanted to scream at you to let go and to move on. Tell you that he wasn’t worth any of the heartbreak and pain and self-doubt.

But she knew. She knew looking into your eyes, that you loved him with a love that transcended the flimsy, insecurity-driven kind portrayed in romantic comedies or Korean television dramas.

Because although she saw your eyes rimmed with unbrittled heartbreak, she also saw the gratitude that overflowed from your irises.

Part of her still wanted to berate and chastise you and tell you to just move on.

But she remembered being on the receiving end of that. How her friends reminded her that to be in an unrequited love was never worth it and that there were plenty of fish in the sea and that she needed to move on because it was just sad.

She remembered how empty that left her, wanting to fill the cracks in her heart with her beloved, because that was always what Wheein would be to her, just as Jihoon would be to you. Hyejin had the privilege to call Wheein at any time, to hear her voice lull her fears and anxieties into soft understandings and warmth, warmth, warmth.

Everyone told her to walk away from all of that.

Not you.

You were the first one to sit with her, hold her hand, smile and remind her what she already knew, a resounding truth in the depths of her soul.

And so, she sat down with you on the edge of your bed, grabbed your hand, smiled, and reminded you of one of your favorite quotes: “What a privilege it is to love.”

A tear slipped past as you beamed. “And to be loved in return.”

“Even for a moment.”

“Even if it is not how we want.”

“Because, still, it is love.”

“And it is the one thing we will never be without.”

──────────────────

“Two more months,” Wheein muttered before quickly downing her soju shot, not waiting for anyone else at the table. “Two months. And we’re done. No more needing to prepare for a thesis defense. No more needing to sit next to a centrifuge for ten hours at a time. No more needing to read bullshit and selfish opinions on public forums. No more needing to sit next to that weird dude who always smells like he has an open wound that’s infected—”

“Wheein, sweetie, that’s too graphic,” Yongsun responded, bringing her choice of a virgin cocktail up to her lips.

Wheein merely took a swig of the beer next to her.

Byul-yi shot her a glare. “That’s mine.”

“She needs it more, unnie, trust me,” you replied on her behalf. Byul-yi gave you a warning glance that wordlessly said you defended Wheein too much, especially as someone who was younger. “To be honest, I think Hyejin-unnie and I need to catch up to where Wheein-unnie is.”

“No, you need to pace yourself carefully especially with soju because you end up drinking too fast and way past your limit before you even realize.”

“Yongsun-unnie, I know we dated when I was a young and unassuming first-year doctoral student who didn’t understand how to handle her alcohol, but that was the past. Let’s move on, shall we?”

“Hyejin told me you threw up just a few weeks ago.”

“Goddamnit, Hyejin-ssi,” you hissed in mock anger.

She snorted, seeing through your ruse. “Wouldn’t have mattered if she heard from me. Byul-unnie was the one who was holding your hair at the bar, so.”

“Is this how I’m repaid by setting you two up together? The constant risk of potentially being exposed by one or the other? The betrayal. When I introduced the two of you, mere weeks after Yongsun and I broke up, and you two were blatantly flirting in front of me–”

“We were not flirting,” they chimed in unison.

The rest of the table rolled their eyes.

Wheein huffed and whined into her arms, voice muffled against the table. “Y/N, you gotta find me someone.”

“You’ll see them if you just open your eyes. I’m sure of it. They’re right there. Just look in front of you, unnie.”

Hyejin pinched your thigh but you were used to her physical torture.

Wheein groaned loudly, sitting up, but still covering her eyes with her hands. Byul-yi nodded in apology to Hyejin who merely bit her lip.

Yongsun dissipated the tension for Hyejin.

By directing it towards you.

“Y/N, I saw that you posted on Instagram yesterday. The same post from the group home you volunteer for. You were asking for the support of the community, right? And just today, I saw there were a ton of comments on their public page.”

A lump lodged itself into your throat and you stared at her, lips parting but not making any sound.

She cocked her head to the side.

Hyejin rubbed your thigh soothingly with her hand. “Bumblebee didn’t realize that they were going to get that many comments on that post. Plus, uh, I think it was shared by that one singer? Bamsu?”

“Bumzu,” you corrected weakly. Jihoon’s partner-in-crime, or rather, music production.

“Yeah, uh. Him. I guess someone who knows the group home page somehow managed to get it circulated to where he saw it, and… yeah.”

Several other research fellows messaged you privately saying how exciting it was to get the attention your project needed. Your group organizer was saying that tens of calls were coming in at a time, asking how to best provide funding or resources.

You resisted the urge to spiral into oblivion because you knew only one (1) person who would be able to do such a thing.

Bumzu had transitioned from performer to writer/producer and usually had a hand in charity work, at least, over the past couple of years, according to a quick run through his Instagram feed. He wasn’t under the scrutinizing eye of Dispatch, at least, not as much as a certain thirteen-member idol group. His interest in this program didn’t warrant sasaeng fans who would try to track down the people who made the post.

It was the perfect cover up.

It’s not as though Bumzu did anything over the top. He simply reposted the group home’s post on his story, only available for 24 hours, but even then, that was enough time to garner attention.

The group home leader called and cried to you saying that God had really blessed you all.

You wondered whether you should tell her that you didn’t think God was 164cm with moonlit eyes that haunted you in your sleep.

──────────────────

[15:32] wzljh__ commented on your post: “this is some really cool stuff. do u mind if i share this?”

[19:22] You replied to wzljh__’s comment: “👍🏼 go ahead”

──────────────────

“Noona~”

“Choi Sannie~”

“I don’t appreciate the mockery~”

“Then get your ass to work~”

San snickered before undoing your haphazardly done ponytail and threading his fingers through your badly tangled hair. “You need to calm down. You have a meeting soon and you look like an absolute mess. So, I’ll at least braid your hair for you, mmkay, noona?”

“San, if you want to reduce my stress, I would appreciate it if you could go and run through the program schedule and let me know what doesn’t work—”

He tugged on your hair and you yelped.

“Noona.”

You leaned back in your chair to see him staring down at you. You grimaced at the fact that, even from this angle, his jawline was inhumanely sharp.

“No one is expecting you to run everything. We have group organizers for a reason. You’re just here to volunteer.”

“But I want to help. I’m responsible for getting the word out there. And I want to be able to make a difference for those in group homes—”

“You did. You helped me. Now I’m in a local college. Working as a barista. Volunteering in the same home I met you in.” Before you could cut him off, San continued, “You can take a break, noona. I’ve never seen you this stressed out before. And I’ve seen you literally down an entire six-pack of banana milk after eating two chocolate croissants.”

“They’re called pain au chocolat. They have to be in the shape of crescents to be called croissants.”

“No one gives a flying shit, noona.”

You gaped at him. “San! Who taught you to speak like that?”

“You did.”

You grumbled to yourself before reaching back for your Apple Pencil. San snuck his hand over your shoulder to pluck it out of your hand. “Hey!”

“Jinwoo wants you to sing him to sleep.”

Your heart ached as you stared at the screen in front of you. There was too much work to do and you couldn’t afford—

“Are you really cost-benefiting the effects of whether you sing a child to sleep right now?”

“...”

“God, what a professional. Where’s the noona that would sneak kids out to go catch dragonflies and then eat bungeo-ppang while washing it down with banana milk?”

“Are all of your memories of me associated with banana milk?”

“I remember what I remember, noona.”

“Why don’t you sing to Jinwoo?”

“Because he’s asking for that song that you sing; the one that only you know.”

You froze.

For some reason, Jinwoo, at the ripe age of eight months, established quite clearly what he liked and disliked, with the latter list nearly double the length of the first.

Every song you sang to him had its expiration date before he would take a metaphorical red Sharpie and cross it off of his likes list.

All except one.

You cursed yourself for singing it so long ago, caught up in exhaustion that you just wanted to quell the baby’s cries as soon as possible.

And so you procured a song that was gathering dust from being long ignored in the recesses of your mind.

You locked your iPad, gathered your stuff together to put away in your bag, slung it over your shoulder and made it up the stairway to where you knew Jinwoo would be.

You found him nestled in several blankets on the floor in the room meant for three-to-six year olds, convinced that the ground would be able to keep him steady unlike the volatile day-to-day he was thrown into since birth. Most of the other kids were out at the local school, but Jinwoo had a lower constitution than them, so would often stay at home. The home did its best to ensure that his schedule was tied with the other kids, including the midday nap.

His chocolate eyes looked up at you expectantly, his arms outstretched for you to envelope him in your embrace. You couldn’t help but smile down at him and scooped him up in one fell swoop. He giggled as you spun the two of you around the room.

You swaddled him as best you could, a three-year-old much larger than the eight-month-old you once knew him to be.

His hand pressed itself against your cheek and you nuzzled your face against its warmth.

“Ready to sleep, Jinwoo?”

“Will you sing to me? The forever song?”

“Yes. Of course.”

And so you did.

You sang to him a song of hopes and dreams and the magic of forever and always. Lyrics of never-ending friendship and pinky promises.

──────────────────

May 26th.

You thought that date would forever ingrain itself as the day that he forcibly came back into your life by taking you and the rest of the world by storm alongside his group, singing of an awkward and clumsy adoration paired with a point choreography that was, well, pointing.

(At the time, you wondered whether she heard the song, the one you were sure it was written about. You never asked.)

But here you were, six years after his debut into the world as an idol, dressed in your regalia of indigo and black, full bell sleeves, velvet paneling, and a weird puffy hat to top it all off, debuting into the world as a Social Welfare PhD grad.

You were a whole ass doctor.

“WE’RE FUCKING DONE, BITCHES.”

“God, Wheein, can you calm down? We gave you that key for emergencies.”

“It’s an emergency that I don’t have a bottle of soju in my hand right now.”

Byul-yi patted Yongsun in hopes of appeasing her anger. “Remember when you finished your MBA and how that felt?”

Yongsun blinked once before pushing herself off of the couch. “Alright, so how many bottles am I pulling out?”

“Wait! Wait! Wait! We need a picture!” Hyejin chastised her childhood friend for taking off after Yongsun. “Bumblebee, come here. Wheein, you too!”

“Whose phone?” Byul-yi asked.

You all chorused your phone, handing her the latest model of iPhone. She wiggled her brows at you. “Looking for a sugar baby, mama?”

“Bold of you to assume that I’m not paying installments on that sleek piece of overpriced metal and glass.”

“Wouldn’t expect anything less from a broke grad. Alright, alright. Okay, ladies. Now let’s get in formation. Wheein, brush your hair out of your face, you look like a mad scientist. Y/N, stop furrowing your brows like you’re reading those mean comments online. Hyejin, stand up straighter, you’re slouching—probably from bending over all the time—”

“Unnie!”

“Over your centrifuge, okay? Chill. Alright. 1, 2… 2 and a half.”

“How old are you? 50?”

“Alright, for that, you just got a burst. Y/N, I hope you find the ugliest gem in that to post.”

You and Wheein laugh at Hyejin who is now putting on her face of Disapproval and you imagine that Byul-yi is just now taking an endless amount of candids. You reach for the phone, a toothy grin still spread across your lips.

“Oop! Damn, this camera is nice. Don’t get too drunk otherwise you might accidentally drop it into my purse.”

You rolled your eyes and grabbed at your phone. You swiped through the camera roll, finding too many of your face, especially when reaching for the camera, thanks to Byul-yi’s trigger happy thumb. However, you looked genuinely happy, so you couldn’t be too mad.

Maybe that’s because you were done slaving over papers and deadlines, you mused.

You showed Wheein and Hyejin the photos as well, refusing to delete the ones where Hyejin is pulling her signature face. You smiled down at your screen before pulling up Instagram to post a photo of all three of you (looking like baddies and not like the unhinged beings you usually are) on your story.

You figured you would post the professional photos you had done by Myungsoo at a later date.

You typed up a caption:

alexa, play congratulations by post malone ft. quavo 🥳🎓 #PHinisheD

You locked your phone and tucked it away, ready to simply celebrate with your beloved group of girls.

That is, until two hours passed, which included a passed out Wheein cuddling into Hyejin on the couch and a drunk Yongsun and tipsy Byul-yi retiring to their own room and you sneaking into their second bedroom. You finally saw several responses to your story, mostly clapping and fire reactions and messages of well-wishes and pride. There was one handle that immediately caught your attention and you couldn’t help but think you were predictable in where your eyes always go.

[22:06] wzljh__ replied to your story: i figured u would be a day6 or eric nam kind of fan

[22:08] wzljh__ replied to your story: sorry that was dumb of me to assume

[22:08] wzljh__ replied to your story: of course u would like post malone considering u could rap the entirety of eminems album

[22:15] wzljh__: sorry that was stupid

[22:15] wzljh__: ignore me

[22:15] wzljh__: congrats y/n

You checked the time stamps to see that the first three messages came in rapid succession. While the last three came less than ten minutes later, without the “replied to your story,” meaning he actively searched for your conversation in his DMs to send a message.

You wondered whether it was okay to respond. He initiated it, so you figured this was consensual on his end. But… would you be okay?

Lee Jihoon was the one you believed would always know how to crack the code to tear down the walls of your heart. The one for whom your heart would invite in, with offerings of warm tea and resounding laughter and requests to make himself at home in your messy, but safe, space. You were always so utterly bare in front of him that it was almost nauseating with how much trust you put into his hands.

Did he deserve that same trust after what transpired between the two of you?

Regret lives in the past. Anxiety lives in the future. But you lived in the present.

Present (tipsy) you said, “cute human messaged must respond”

You opened up the conversation. 

[23:16] You: alexa, play congratulations by day6.

[23:16] You: happy anniversary to svt!! 🥳 

[23:16] You: hope you’re having fun with the members!!

Immediately, Seen popped up on your screen.

Your breathing hitched as you saw those damned three dots. You really should ask your old Biology tutor why your chest felt as tight as it did. Or maybe Wheein would know the science as to why it felt like your brain was firing a million and one things but was also completely shut down.

[23:16] wzljh__: oh

[23:16] wzljh__: oh wow

[23:17] wzljh__: i didnt think u would know that

[23:17] wzljh__: thanks you

[23:17] wzljh__: thank uou*

[23:17] wzljh__: you* wow im genius

You giggled softly to yourself.

──────────────────

“You look like an oversized peach, but, like, not a nice one. One that fell off the kitchen counter and now has bruising forming.”

“You’re fucking rude.”

You tutted. “Jihoon, language.”

“One of these days you’re gonna drop the fuck word too.”

“Mmm. Nope.”

He grabbed at your cheek and pinched it softly. You made a dramatic display of faked annoyance. “You will. I’ll make sure of it. I’ll be the first one to hear it, alright? I’m gonna hear the fuck word from the kid that everyone else is foolish enough to believe is entirely wholesome.”

“Um? But I am? So very wholesome?”

He barked out a laugh. “Sure. You got most people convinced, but I know you. You’re too fiery for your own good.”

“Oh, so you have me all figured out, huh?”

“Of course,” he replied in English, his words laced with his thick Korean accent. “I’m genius.”

You giggled before you corrected him. “‘I’m a genius.’”

He grinned. “We both can be.”

──────────────────

[23:18] You: the other caratdeul are posting it all over twitter so it’s trending, of course i would know that 😤 i’m in touch with the insiders nowadays

[23:19] wzljh__: the other caratdeul

[23:19] wzljh__: ??

You cursed silently. Did alcohol loosen your thumbs too? Is that possible? Would you remember these questions to ask Wheein later?

[23:19] You: uh, i’m also a carat? duh? have you /seen/ jeonghan-oppa’s visuals? 😍

[23:20] wzljh__: unfortunately every day

You laughed out loud at that.

You saw the three dots come. And then disappear.

You couldn’t help the twinge of sadness that hit, but you figured that he had his own celebration to do.

That is, until a video was sent from his end five minutes later.

You swore Lee Jihoon was going to be the cause of your death one of these days. 

You clicked on the video.

“Annyeong, Y/N-ah!!”

You balked at Yoon Jeonghan’s face grinning at the camera. What the frick.

“Jihoon told me that you graduated with your PhD today! Congratulations! Hanniehae!!”

Your heart burst at the sight.

God, Jeonghan was so cute. You so desperately wanted to be his friend when you first discovered SEVENTEEN, almost more jealous of Jihoon for being surrounded by twelve other fantastic human beings rather than the other way around.

[23:28] You: omg i’m gonna cry

[23:28] You: !!!! how!!!! is he!!!! so CUTE!!!!!

[23:28] You: this is the best grad gift ever

[23:29] You: my years of indentured servitude to SNU was worth it to just bear witness to that 🥰 i can die happily now; thank you yoon jeonghan for existing

[23:30] wzljh__: um excuse me who else

[23:30] You: and to lee jihoon for the provision and distribution of content: i shall remember your services

[23:30] wzljh__: i now owe ur “jeonghan-oppa” a new lego set just for that

[23:31] You: he’s cute when he goes on vlive and builds it so just think of it as an additional gift to me, ok

[23:31] wzljh__: no.

[23:31] You: 🙄 rude

[23:31] wzljh__: u owe me too now especially since u said i gave the best grad gift ever

[23:31] You: i’m!!!!!

[23:32] You: ok so technically no one else has given me a gift yet so you were just better than nothing 🤧

[23:32] wzljh__: yes thats always my goal. to be better than nothing

[23:33] You: 😂😂😂

[23:33] You: wait!!

[23:33] You: you can’t distract me!!

[23:33] You: gifts are exchanged for the sake of selflessness and glad tidings!!

[23:34] wzljh__: thats not what u said when u guilted me into buying u the cardcaptor sakura cards because u got me plushies of the straw hat crew

[23:34] You: i didn’t GET you them! i MADE them!! my craftsmanship and time are worth much more than the ccs cards!! equivalent exchange!!

[23:34] wzljh__: god u are such a weeb

[23:34] You: if you recognize my reference you’re not so innocent yourself

[23:34] wzljh__: …

[23:34] wzljh__: damn

[23:35] wzljh__: anyway u think ur craftsmanship is worth more than the $50 i dropped on those cards?

[23:35] wzljh__: u wanna tell that to chopper whose head was too big for his body and now looks as though hes in inexplicable pain??

You stared at the screen. What?

[23:35] You: ???? pics or it didn’t happen

[23:36] wzljh__: at the dorm

[23:36] You: !!!!! you still have them with you???

[23:36] wzljh__: yea? ofc lol

[23:37] wzljh__: they may be dopey but mostly dope

[23:37] You: bihhhhh

──────────────────

“Always remember this, Y/N.”

You swallowed the handful of popcorn you so elegantly stuffed in your mouth just seconds prior. “You always do this, Jihoon. You always wait until my mouth is full—”

“Good people watch anime.”

You narrowed your eyes at him. “Okay?”

“I’m serious. Don’t trust anyone who says that they don’t like anime, alright?”

“What, so, that’s a requirement for whoever I’m going to be involved with in the future?”

“Yes. How can someone be a bad person when they have Monkey D. Luffy to look up to?”

“Fair, but—”

“And if the person can commit to nearly a thousand manga chapters and over eight-hundred episodes, they can commit to you.”

For some reason, his logic overtook your own. You nodded in slow agreement. “I mean. You’re not wrong.”

“Of course not.”

“So, you’re saying I’d have to find my Luffy?”

He eyed you. “I think you’re more of a Nico Robin than a Nami, honestly.”

Your stomach flipped but you brushed aside the implications of his words.

And even years later, your first-date questions always included, ‘If you were a Straw Hat member, who do you think you would be?’

You had yet to find another Zoro.

──────────────────

[23:38] wzljh__: anyway u still owe me

[23:38] You: BIHHHHHHH

[23:39] wzljh__: ill let u know by the end of the week

[23:39] You: 🥺 do i not get a choice

[23:41] wzljh__: u always have a choice 

[23:42] You: hrmmmmmm then… i shall hear you out… maybe… perhaps… mayhaps

[23:42] wzljh__: always been a poet, since that second grade writing contest, havent u

[23:43] You: me? a poet? how about i quote one of the greatest poets of our generation

[23:43] You: ‘let’s have fun’

[23:43] wzljh__: …?

[23:44] You: ‘everyone stand up and clap’

[23:44] wzljh__: ok

[23:44] You: 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

[23:45] You: wait

[23:45] You: that’s one too many

[23:45] wzljh__: fake fan

[23:46] You: 😢 i come here and get bullied by a member of my favorite k-pop group

[23:46] wzljh__: favorite

[23:46] wzljh__: ?*

[23:46] You: asjdkksncsls yoinks

[23:47] You: i wish i could unsend messages

[23:47] You: or go back 3 seconds in time

[23:48] You: but what if i jump forward 10 seconds..

[23:49] wzljh__: HA

[23:49] wzljh__: alright u are at least a cubic if u watch gose

[23:50] You: 💖💙 it’s what pulled me thru my thesis

[23:50] wzljh__: lololol

[23:50] wzljh__: alright alright

[23:50] wzljh__: i gotta go soon

[23:50] wzljh__: but

[23:51] wzljh__: congratulations y/n

[23:51] wzljh__: seriously

[23:51] wzljh__: u do some amazing things

[23:52] You: 🥺🥺🥺🥺

[23:52] You: thanks jihoon so do u

[23:52] You: oh wait i just remembered

[23:55] wzljh__: ?

[23:56] You: an amazing thing u did

[23:56] You: thanks for sharing the info abt the group home project!!

[23:58] You: i don’t think i can ever explain how grateful i am!! it went so smoothly because of the response from the surrounding communities

[00:00] You: and you didn’t need to share the information

[00:00] You: but you did

[00:00] You: and i just

[00:00] You: idk i’m really grateful

[00:02] You: anyway!!

[00:02] You: sorry

[00:03] You: oh wait i’m supposed to say thank you

[00:03] You: thank you thank you thank you

[00:03] You: thank you lee jihoon

[00:05] wzljh__: is it bad if i just send a 👍🏼

[00:05] You: you’re gonna ok, boomer me? and my authentic and genuine heartfelt words??

[00:06] wzljh__: 👍🏼

[00:07] You: ...i’m unsubscribing

[00:07] wzljh__: lolool

[00:07] You: 😭😭😭

[00:08] wzljh__: still a crybaby

[00:08] You: more like crylady

[00:09] wzljh__: i suggest u never say that ever again

[00:10] You: yep noted i regretted it as soon as i hit send

[00:10] wzljh__: looooollll

[00:11] wzljh__: ill let u know what i expect for my equivalent exchange

[00:12] wzljh__: i need to consult with my lawyers on what exactly i can get away with

[00:12] You: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[00:12] wzljh__: i can hear that message and i dont get how

[00:13] You: i’m gonna d word 😭

[00:13] wzljh__: not until i get my gift lol anyway ill message u by the end of the week

[00:14] You: ok 😞 fine

[00:14] You: you’ll message me?

[00:14] You: 🤙🏼?

[00:15] wzljh__: lolollllllll thats not a pinky promise emoji

[00:16] You: don’t care!!!

[00:16] wzljh__: lollll still so stubborn

[00:16] wzljh__: okay fine

[00:17] wzljh__: 🤙🏼

[00:18] wzljh__: goodnight y/n sleep well

And so you did.

You dreamt of crescent moons, steady heartbeats, gentle melodies, and open arms.

And falling, falling, falling.

──────────────────

Five weeks.

Four interviews.

Three community project ideas.

Two job offers.

One major minor meltdown.

Zero Instagram messages.

Not that it particularly mattered when your entire future was splayed out right in front of you.

“So… you either stay in Seoul…” Hyejin began.

“...or I move to New York,” you finished for her.

“...okay, but like, what is even over there?”

“Unnie.”

“I know it’s your favorite city in the world—”

“Strongly so.”

“And they have Broadway—”

“An absolute treat.”

“And you’d be lecturing at Columbia—”

“The first Social Work university in America and most prestigious school in said field.”

“But I’m not there!”

You couldn’t help but laugh at Hyejin’s pout. “Unnie, you and Wheein were already talking about living together next year because you’re both heading over to Jeju!”

“Which is the same time zone as Seoul! AKA, I can call you at any point I want—”

“We both know that’s not true even if we were in the same time zone.”

“...okay, touch��. But! Are you really going to move halfway across the world? Again?”

“I enjoyed my time at Yale!”

“Bumblebee, you left Korea because you were running away from something. Someone. Are you sure you’re not leaving Korea for the same reason?”

“...Unnie, I love New York.”

──────────────────

“Doesn’t this city just reek of anxiety?”

You ignored her and instead took in the hustle and bustle of the streets around you. The neon signs of overpriced bags just begging to be haggled, the misogynistic advertisements of computer-generated women overhead, unassuming hot dog stands and bodegas whose businesses depended entirely on locals, live music found on nearly every street corner, committed to entertain in order to survive.

This city was the physical manifestation of everything right and wrong with humanity.

Bodies close. Minds worlds away.

The perfect place for someone like you.

“So full of life.”

Hyejin looked at you. Her face softened once she caught a glimpse of the glimmer of light she always saw in passing.

She hoped it would return for the long-term.

“Yeah, bumblebee. Full of life.”

She promised herself that she would take you every year from then on.

Your first trip was during the nipping frost of winter, filled with artificial twinkling and overconsumption of goods; the holiday cheer dampened by the cold reality that heartbreak and loneliness were inevitable byproducts of the season.

Your second trip was in the welcoming arms of autumn, decidedly going upstate for one day; the leaves faded into reds and golds, apples ready to be picked to be baked into a sweet pie, accompanied by the warmth of spiced cider and slow healing found in vulnerability wrapped in double crochet blankets and friendship.

Your third trip was during the sweltering heat of the summer, bad decisions and dangerous impulsivity. Late night drives of yells and whoops echoed into the Lincoln Tunnel with the wind rushing through your hair. The invincibility of youth and rekindling of the burning fire you thought was long gone.

Your fourth trip was in the blossoming of springtime, maturation of seeds sown and bountiful harvests. Gentle breezes and flowy dresses. Picnic baskets and overpriced coffees. The unspoken connection of humans collectively sitting in Central Park enjoying the gift of now, thankful to be alive.

As the seasons changed, so did you.

──────────────────

“But,” Hyejin started, exasperation already apparent in her tone. “Come on, bumblebee.”

Annoyance flared up. “What?”

“You’re thinking about running away again.”

“What are you talking about?”

Hyejin rolled her eyes at you and you could feel the simmering anger building in the pit of your stomach. You tried to quell it down with breathing, but you still felt the flames lick at your insides. “Jihoon just started messaging you again and you’re off here just thinking about fleeing the country. Again.”

“This has nothing to do with him.”

“I think it has everything to do with him.”

“I’m not some lovesick puppy who can’t make her own decisions, unnie. I applied to Columbia because I thought that it would be an amazing opportunity to be an assistant professor. Do you know how many PhD grads get to score a job like that right out of graduation?”

“Oh, yes, we get it, Y/N. You’re always cream of the crop. Top of your class. Always pursuing something bigger and better than what we mere humans can provide.”

Your jaw dropped. “What the hell?”

“You were offered a full-ride to NYU for your PhD, but you declined it because you didn’t want to, and I’m quoting you here, ‘dirty your healing place.’”

“Things change, unnie.”

“No, you’re just fucking scared.”

Rage filled you. “You don’t know me. You think you have me all figured out, but you’re just projecting onto me because you, for one, are constantly running away from your own feelings for Wheein! You wanna know who’s scared? It’s not me. Because I make my choices and I don’t regret them. Can’t say the same for yourself, huh?”

You grabbed your belongings and stomped out of your shared living space, slamming the door behind you, the beating in your chest ringing in your ears with a resounding thump, thump, thump.

Part of you wondered if the reason you snapped was because she was right.

Maybe partially.

But you also knew that you hated being carved and molded into what people perceived you as.

And she perceived you as something you were not.

Your happiness wasn’t reliant on him. You were a wholly and complete person without him. You knew that. You found that Truth long ago. You proved that through the years of work you put in; years that Hyejin witnessed herself.

So, it felt like a backhanded slap when it felt like she saw the girl you were when she first met you. As though you didn’t put in the effort to take the course of your life into your hands and crafted it to be the way that it is now.

You were a whole person.

She never said you weren’t.

You tried to pull out your car keys from your bag but struggled to find them in the midst of your frustration. You growled before giving up, stomping your way down the now dimly lit streets, the sky never quite achieving a pitch black, with the light pollution of the city. Stars were nowhere in sight, but the moon hung low near the horizon.

You found yourself walking (nearly stomping) for almost an hour as different voices argued in your mind. You were several blocks away from your home now.

She overreacted.

She’s just worried about you.

She didn’t have to be.

She probably doesn’t want you to experience the heartache that she’s seen you go through.

She was treating you like a child.

Because she loves you. And love makes you do crazy things sometimes. Like yelling at your best friend. Or flying halfway across the world.

You groaned inwardly.

God! Why did you have to have a conscience?

You said some pretty shitty things to someone who may have not portrayed her care in the best way, but tried to anyway. She gathered the courage to try and challenge you and you blew her off by rubbing salt into her own wound.

She wasn’t right.

But neither were you.

You felt the wash of shame come over you as you twiddled with your bag’s strap, trying to muster up the determination you needed to trudge back down and apologize.

“Oh, thank God, bumblebee.”

You pivoted your entire body at your unnie’s voice, wanting to shrink back at noticing the redness in her skin and puffiness under her eyes, even in the faint light of the street lamps. She looked so frazzled, her flip-flops nearly hanging off her feet from what looked like running around trying to find you. “Unnie, I—”

“I know you said you don’t like apologies, so I’ll say thank you instead. Thank you for your honesty, even if it was really mean. Thank you for listening to me, at least the beginning. Thank you for getting angry because I know that’s really fucking hard for you to do so and I feel weirdly honored but also still spooked by it. Thank you for not driving, especially this late and on a weekend when you’re upset—”

Your heart sank at the memory of Hyejin recounting her story of losing her friend to a drunk driver, something Hyejin felt immensely (and irrationally) responsible for, having been the person to last send her off.

You had forgotten about that.

Here you were, trying to figure out how you were going to apologize, and here she was, worrying about whether you were going to come back to her at all. You bit your lip before you piped up, “I’m sorry for scaring you like that.”

“Yeah, well, I was right. I learned that I never want to be caught in the crossfire. Your anger is terrifying. You’re not a bumblebee; you’re more like an agitated hornet. With a gun.”

“Unnie—”

“I’m not done. I don’t know how to process my emotions like you do so I didn’t really think before I came running after you. I’m still hurt and mad that you said all of that shit—”

“I was wrong,” you interrupted. She went quiet at that. “I don’t know everything. I hardly know anything. But what I do know is that I was wrong. I said some things that I knew were going to hurt you because that’s what I wanted to do. I was wrong. But... so were you, unnie.”

She remained silent, so you continued.

“I’m not that same, young, dumb teen that you met at Yale. I’m not the brat who was still trying to figure out how to be her own person without being an off-brand version of all of her friends from Busan. I’m… I’m not weak, unnie.”

“I… I never said you were.”

You wondered when you started crying. “Yeah, well. It felt like you didn’t believe in me. That you didn’t trust me. You are the only person in my life who saw all of the changes I went through and you still said I was running away. So, it just made me think that all of my growth was… I don’t know. Fake.”

“What? No. Oh, bumblebee. Never.”

“I’m… I’m my own person. Who can make her own decisions. I don’t need anyone else to complete me. So, there’s no one and nothing that I’m trying to run away from. I’m just trying to figure out where I want to go. Is that so bad?”

“...No. Not at all,” Hyejin answered softly. She slowly stepped towards you and tentatively wrapped her arms around your torso. You leaned in and breathed in her scent, muffling your sniffling against her shoulder. “You were right that I confused the woman you are now with the girl you were then. But I’ve never ever seen you as weak. Or incomplete. Not then, not now.”

“Then why?” You sobbed. “Why do you think my life revolves around him? Anyone else can think I’m some love-struck dumbass, but why you?”

“Oh, bumblebee, I fucked up when I said I thought it had everything to do with him. I definitely… projected. Like you said. As much as I hate to admit it. But... I also want you to know that I don’t see you as some sad girl who’s been pining after some crusty dude. I see a woman who has gone around the world, fallen in love with it and its people, and still knows exactly with whom she feels safest. And I don’t want you to deny yourself of that.”

“I’m not denying myself anything. He doesn’t love me, unnie. So, I have to be the one to do it. Because he won’t. And that’s okay. I’ve learned to love myself and isn’t that good enough?”

Hyejin squeezed you tighter in her embrace. “Call me crazy, but… I think there’s something there. Call it a spark. Call it a string of fate. Call it a grown love. But… ah. I’m not good with words like you, bumblebee. You are good enough. Just as you are. Wonderful, even. I… I’m not saying he’s a missing piece of you or anything like that. But. Agh. Like. He is bread. And you are butter. You’re both complete by nature and can exist without each other, but you’re just… better together,” she tried to hold her tongue, but you knew her resolve was weak, so you braced yourself. “Butter together.”

“...unnie, you really are bad with words.”

You yelped when she grabbed at you to pinch your thigh.

She promptly turned the two of you around back to your apartment, her arm looped around yours. You easily walked past your building, though, caught up in smoothing out the harsh lines said during your earlier conversation. She admitted her fears regarding pursuing her own unrequited love and you confessed you often chased things that were of grandeur rather than that of simplicity. And you both touched on exactly the roots of your insecurities: hers in her fear of being unwanted and yours in the idea that you were incomplete without him.

The two of you found yourselves swinging at a neighborhood park that probably closed several hours ago, but it was a safe space for the two of you, to air out the tension, to have the beginnings of healing and mending, although most of it being left to time and future efforts of rebuilding trust.

Together.

──────────────────

[19:21] wzljh__: this might be a dumb question but did ur kkt account change

[19:21] wzljh__: i tried messaging u and it said delivered but

[19:21] wzljh__: nvm u dont have to reply sorry

[19:42] You: omg

[19:42] You: jihoon i made a new account bc my username was @narutofanfreak123 and i couldn’t bear to tell people that was my username but i didn’t know how to change it LOLLL

[19:43] You: so i made a new account once i came back to korea!!

[20:01] wzljh__: i

[20:01] wzljh__: i shouldve asked

[20:02] wzljh__: i thought u werent replying because u were busy with job searching since u were posting about it on ur story

[20:02] wzljh__: or maybe u didnt want to talk to me 😣

You rubbed your eyes in disbelief.

Jihoon used an emoji?

[20:05] You: oh no lol i already got offers

[20:05] You: still deciding between two of them

[20:17] wzljh__: before u tell me whats ur username on kkt?

[20:18] You: oh yeah!

[20:18] You: oh

[20:18] You: uhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[20:18] wzljh__: ???

[20:19] You: haha

[20:19] You: ok so

[20:19] You: uh

[20:19] wzljh__: are u ok???

[20:20] You: yeah! haha

[20:20] You: welp

[20:20] You: it’s @madamefirefly

[20:20] You: heh

Lee Jihoon (@wzljh__) added you on KakaoTalk! You accepted Lee Jihoon’s request!

[20:23] Lee Jihoon: nice username

[20:23] You: thanks it was inspired by someone who used to bully me as their pastime

[20:25] Lee Jihoon: sounds like u were a masochist

[20:25] You: 🙄🙄🙄

[20:25] You: nice username

[20:25] You: sounds like it was randomly generated off of a sketchy site on naver that just so happened to have your initials

[20:26] Lee Jihoon: that ‘sketchy site’ somehow managed to predict the initials of my english stage name

[20:27] You: that was easily!!!! within your control to manipulate, woozi-ssi!! it should technically be uji!!

[20:27] Lee Jihoon: no that site knew my future and spoke to me

[20:28] Lee Jihoon: speaking of futures

[20:28] Lee Jihoon: whats coming up on the y/n agenda

[20:29] You: oop sorry hyejin-unnie is back home and i promised we would get dinner together so i might not respond until later

[20:30] You: but i’m deciding between staying here in seoul to continue the work i’ve been doing and being an assistant professor at columbia university in new york city!!

[20:30] You: although i’m def leaning more towards one than the other

[20:30] You: ack she’s yelling at me to hurry sorry i’ll ttyl!!

[Read at 20:30]

──────────────────

 Your phone rang.

You saw the FaceTime ID and never slid the bar faster than you did in that moment.

“Unnie! I—oh God, is that a wedding dress—oh my, oh no, the tears—”

One of the most beautiful laughters of your childhood rang out as she flipped the camera back to her face, stained from salty tears already passed. “Oh, lovebug—” Your lips split into a wide grin at the childhood nickname. “I think this is the one. I needed to show you. What do you think?”

“Hold on, I’m crying so hard that I can’t see—”

337.1km away, your future family member (although, one could argue she always had been) burst into a renewal of joyful tears, so exuberantly over-the-moon to share this moment with you, and you sharing the same exact sentiment to be able to bask in the joy of a promised love.

“Unnie,” you said emphatically. “You are… so beautiful. So stunning. So radiant. So dazzling. My goodness me. You are… just so splendent.”

She hiccuped. “Lovebug, no one uses that word anymore.”

“I had to go back to words of old to explain myself because language oft fails me when I see you.”

“Stop. God, you and Jihoon both with your ability to speak. How do words even come out of you two like that?”

You made a noise.

You don’t think she caught it.

“Y/N, you are sunshine personified, so to hear you say that makes me feel like I’m being blessed by Amaterasu herself.”

“I wouldn’t want to go lock myself in a cave.”

“Then don’t, lovebug,” she said dismissively. “Plus, you can’t. The bachelor and bachelorette party is gonna be in Seoul and you promised you would be there.”

“Yes, yes. To help me get blackmail on everyone else in case they try to turn on you later. You’re using me, you know?”

“You’re a useful person.”

You clicked your tongue. “So I’ve been told.”

A comfortable silence passed between the two of you before she broke it, a slight hesitation in her tone.

“So… turns out that Jihoon’s gonna be at oppa’s bachelor party. Oppa asked him to perform and he said no because of his schedule, but he said he would be at the wedding. And the bachelor party.”

You quirked an eyebrow at that. He was willingly going to the party and the wedding of the man who stole the love of his life away from him? “Really?”

“Yeah…”

“Huh. Weird.”

“I’m sorry, but he’s coming to the wedding. I know you don’t want to see him, but—”

“What? What are you talking about?”

“Uh, you literally went across the world to avoid him—”

“Why does everyone think that? No, don’t worry about me, unnie. It’s fine.”

You didn’t look directly at the screen but you could feel her stare boring into the side of your face through it. She thought you were lying. But you weren’t. It wasn’t about you.

“Lovebug—”

“He texted me.”

Your words stunned her into silence.

That is, until she went rapid-fire.

“Oh my God. What? How? When? Did you reply? Was it an emergency? Did you have a conversation? Was it a casual conversation? How long? Oh, thank goodness—”

“Whoa, whoa, chill out, unnie. Wait. Why do you look happier now than you did when you were showing me your wedding dress? Wait. Aren’t you at a boutique right now? Don’t you have your mom waiting or something—?”

“Shush, I’m asking the questions around here.”

And so, you answer them. You told your future family, your confidant, your safe space. You told her of the accidental like, the off-chance comment, the purposeful messages, and everything caught in between.

337.1km away and you felt right at home.

──────────────────

“Y/N?”

You knew that voice anywhere.

Of course she was here, of course she was. This was one of your collective dreams, two girls fantasizing about inebriated situations and uninhibited fun by means of burning liquids in a local Busan bar. A dream of spending a night here, sharing a story for every shot.

You learned a year prior that you would really only be able to tell two stories before wanting to quit.

“Oh… hey, unnie.”

“You’re… you’re back.”

You forced out a laugh. “Yeah, I, uh. Graduated.”

“From Yale.”

“Uh… yeah. From Yale.”

“Can… I sit here?”

You glanced up at her before gesturing to the seat in front of you, the corner booth really far too large for your person. You could almost see the thoughts that raced in her mind before she gave a small nod and sunk down into the cushion.

“So, how have you—”

“I heard you—”

“Oh, no, you go—”

“Oh, sorry, I just—”

You both locked eyes.

And promptly burst into a fit of laughter.

“God, what is this?” You managed to get out, holding your stomach.

She was no better, in her signature hiccuping stage. “I just—!”

“We have the communication skills of five-year-olds.”

She wiped away a stray tear. “We’ve become a drama.”

“I call being the second-male lead.”

“Wait, that’s not fair. We all know that the second-male lead is objectively better.”

“That’s exactly why, unnie,” you winked.

She scoffed. “Alright, I’ll give it to you this time, lovebug.”

You saw her freeze, as if she didn’t expect herself to call you by that nickname. She looked like a deer caught in headlights and you quickly gave her a wave of your hand. “You spent more years calling me that than you did my actual name. Let’s not break the trend now, yeah?”

She visibly relaxed and you couldn’t help but smile fondly.

A lull passed over you, but you felt much more comfortable with this silence than the strained one prior. You closed your eyes and simply took in the moment, gratitude filling your lungs.

“I’m sorry.”

Your eyes fluttered open. “What?”

“I’m sorry,” she repeated. “I’m sorry that you had to leave because of me—”

Oh.

That was heart wrenching to hear.

The apology signified a wound, an old one.

A self-inflicted one.

Oh no.

“Unnie,” you began slowly, reaching for her hands. You could see the tears brimming. “Do you… do you blame yourself for my decision? Has guilt been eating at you all of these years?”

“I just… you left. Jihoon left. If I had just said something, then—”

“Unnie.”

She bit her lip at your definitive tone.

“Nothing, nothing, about this was your fault.  Don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t mine and it wasn’t his either. We all struggled to ‘just say something’. Unnie, we were young and dumb. We still are young and dumb,” you squeezed her hands for emphasis. “If you say you’re sorry, then okay. I forgive you. But I just want you to know that past me never blamed you. Never.”

She let out a choked sob and you found yourself crossing to the other side of the table, enveloping her in your arms, tucking her head under your chin. She buried her face into your chest and you just rubbed her back soothingly. “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for never reaching out. I’m sorry I never cleared the air. I’m sorry I was so scared.”

“We needed time and space apart, unnie. To figure ourselves out. And I did. I really did. And I wouldn’t have been able to do that if I kept tying my self-worth into Korea, into Busan, into you, into him. But that doesn’t mean I cut you off in order to do it. I don’t think I ever could,” you squeezed tighter. “Thank you for saying that you’re sorry, but there really is no need, not to me.”

And so she cried into your arms, emptying herself of tears. Later, you filled that space with your stories of adventure, your kind words, and your love. And she did the same for you.

In that moment, Busan never seemed so much more like home.

──────────────────

“So, New York, huh?”

You glanced up at your boss, the social worker in charge of running the different programs tied to the university, the same one who got you involved with the group home, the same one who offered you a full-time position after graduation in training new recruits, specializing in the Child and Family division, but also providing self-care guidance to the rest of the staff since your specialty in school was around Behavioral and Mental Health.

The pay was good, seeing as it was run by professionals partnered with SKY: Seoul National University, Korea University, and Yonsei University. What most Koreans would consider to be the ‘Ivy League’ of South Korea. Although, being a community leader was definitely a far-cry from a prestigious position as an assistant professor.

“Ah. Yeah, New York.”

“Nice place.”

“It’s… yeah. It’s nice.”

“Is the air better there than here?”

“No fine dust, but there’s a lot of smog.”

She pulled a displeased face. “Is that better?”

“Depends on who you ask.”

There was a pregnant pause between the two of you. You wanted to reduce into a puddle and slip through the vents, dreading this conversation.

“You should go.”

Uh. What?

You parroted those exact words out loud.

“I may have lost some of my mind’s sharpness to age and time, but if I remember correctly, New York City is one of the most popular places in the world. And I hear that it would be a good place for a young, spry lady like you to get your bright mind out there. The world needs a little more of you and if New York City is the best way to do it, so be it.”

“I’m… I’m…”

“A wonderful human being who will make the most of the hand that she’s dealt. I’ve seen you make castles out of cardboard.”

“You… you want me to go to New York?”

“Oh, Heavens no. Not at all. I would love to just keep you here forever,” she sighed, going so far as to lean back in her desk chair. You resisted the urge to laugh at her theatrics. “But you’re not a princess locked up in a tower. You have the power to make your own choice, and I know that whichever path you go down, it will be a flowery one. You’ll make it one. Because that’s just what you do, Y/N.”

“What if… What if I’m not sure?”

She tilted her head back down to meet your eyes and gave you a smile that was slightly off-putting, as though you had fallen into a trap she carefully laid out. “Then, what can I do to convince you to stay here?”

“I think a part of me thinks I’m wanting to stay here because I’ve found my home here. I think I’ve become incredibly comfortable here. In Korea.”

She blinks at you. “Is… that a bad thing?”

“I think... I think that I’m wanting to stay here because I love it here and the work I do and the people I’ve met, but I think I’m wanting to leave because I’m trying to prove that I’m not tied down to a particular person. Because I feel like everyone thinks that I can’t live my life without them, so I want to prove that I can do it. That I will.”

“So… you’re trying to prove that you’re not influenced by said person, by, uh, being influenced by said person?”

“Uh.”

“‘Uh,’ indeed.”

“What if… I’m staying here because I subconsciously think that everyone is right? That I actually can’t live without them? Not actually?”

“Is that person me?”

“No, ma’am.”

“I’m a little hurt you answered that so quickly, but. To prove my point. You are here, in my office, yes?”

“Yes…?”

“Are they?”

“No…?”

“Then. You’re living without them, aren’t you? Right here. In front of me. Heart pumping out blood through your veins and your brain shooting off neurons. You’re alive. Without them.”

“It’s… it’s a little different, Doctor, I—”

“Y/N. You’re dazzling. Almost overwhelmingly so. There is no one. No one who can overshadow you in the way you think they can. No matter what underlying influences, no matter what puppetry you may think is going on, you call the shots. You get to decide what to include in your life moving forward. If this person has as much power as you think they do over you, I’d like to meet them. Because you’re a force to be reckoned with.”

You bit your lip. “Is… Is it okay to be so selfish?”

“You said so yourself, Y/N. You found a home here. Or more like, knowing you, you built a home here. Korea will forever be marked by you. Seoul. Busan. Everywhere you’ve gone. That’s something that the majority of the world cannot say, because everyone feels a little lost, a little out of place. But you? No. You have a place. Right here. And, I mean, even at the end of the day, if you go off somewhere else, you’ll always have a place to return to that will welcome you with open arms.”

“Doctor, I…”

“Yes, Y/N?”

“...I think I wanna stay.”

“Perfect. I’ll have them write up your contract.”

──────────────────

[04:12] Lee Jihoon: i know its late. rehearsal never ends until 3am and i know that when u get texts you wake up even if ur phone is on silent bc the vibration wakes u up so im trying to type this all in one message so that it doesnt wake u up (hopefully) but i didnt want it to seem like i left u on read because i was upset or something. but i didnt want to message until i had the time to have a full conversation but i dont think thats happening any time soon anyway. when you see this i hope it makes sense im not sure if i am

[4:12] You: i still have the sleep schedule of a doctoral student, you know

[4:12] Lee Jihoon: oho i see

[4:12] Lee Jihoon: and u still owe me a gift, doctor

[4:12] You: 🥴🥴🥴 i thought you forgot

[4:12] Lee Jihoon: never

[4:13] You: ok lee jihoon, what do you want?

[4:13] Lee Jihoon: can i call u

[4:13] You: ? sure?

Before you could even type, ‘is something wrong?’, his name and profile picture (which wasn’t even of him, it was that dumb photo of Hansol) flooded your screen. Your finger slid across before you could even give a second thought.

“Um. Hello?” Silence met your ears. You wondered whether the call actually went through. You pulled the phone away from your cheek and pressed ‘speaker’. “Jihoon…?”

“Ah, sorry. Yes. Wow. Hi.”

You knew speaker was the better option. Hearing his voice that close to your ear would have given you heart palpitations, or at least, worse than what was already happening. “Yes, hello yourself. Did you need something?”

“Huh?”

“You called?”

“Oh. Yeah. No. I just. Wanted to talk.”

“About what?”

“Anything. I think staring at a screen would’ve made me fall asleep faster, but I wanted to talk. To you. If that’s okay.”

“Yeah, yeah. It’s okay.”

You heard him release a sigh of relief (?). “Yeah. Okay. Thank you.”

You hummed, realizing there was a chance he didn’t exactly prepare conversation topics. “I decided to stay in Seoul.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. My boss here convinced me.”

“Tell them thank you.”

You snorted. “It wasn’t hard to.”

“Columbia is a pretty prestigious place, though.”

“Huh. How’d you know that?”

“Might’ve asked Hansol and Jisoo-hyung.”

You clicked your tongue. “Jihoon, just because they’re American doesn’t mean—”

“Nope. That’s exactly what it means.”

You resisted the urge to roll your eyes. “Okay, okay.”

“I’m proud of you, you know.”

“Uh—what?”

“You got a whole ass PhD. From the best university in Korea. You got offered a job at a super big school in America. One that’s super big in the field that you studied. You graduated from an even bigger school for undergrad, a school that even I know the name of. And just… I know that people expect you to achieve because you’ve always been a genius, always so brilliant, but. You also work really hard. So. I’m proud of you.”

Your throat felt tight. “It’s not that big of a deal—”

“But it is, firefly.”

Oh, that nickname. “I mean, I just—”

“You don’t have to believe me. But that won’t stop me from feeling it.”

“Jihoon, I—”

“I’ve missed you.”

Before you could even make a noise (not that you could), he continued.

“I’ve missed you a stupid amount. Like us stealing your dad’s car to drive to McDonald’s at 3am and then running a red light on the way there. And then somehow almost hitting an entire flock of seagulls. And then going to some random, deserted parking lot. And then realizing we didn’t know the way home, so we drove aimlessly for, like, 45 minutes. And then panicking when we kept seeing the gas needle go down. That kind of stupid.”

You couldn’t form words.

But you tried.

“I… I missed you too.”

You could’ve sworn you heard utter satisfaction in his voice. “I have to sleep now, but. I just. I couldn’t not tell you. That’s all.”

“Okay.”

“Get some sleep, firefly. Or should I call you, Dr. Firefly now?”

“That sounds like a cartoon villain.”

His laughter rang throughout your empty room and your chest tightened.

“Alright, we’ll go with just firefly then.”

Tears formed in your eyes at the ‘we’. You felt like you were fifteen and back in your childhood bedroom, after a long, long hours, ending your night by telling him about your day. The words you denied yourself for years tumbled out of your mouth, “Night, night, Jihoonie.”

A low chuckle met your ears.

“Sleep well, firefly.”

──────────────────

“He fucking booty called you?”

“Unnie, that’s not—”

“Nuh-uh, bumblebee. Any call past 3am is a fucking booty call.”

“So, when you called me past 3am, it was a booty call? I feel violated.”

“Time zones, Wheein. Doesn’t count,” Hyejin said dismissively.

Wheein puffed out her cheeks and stabbed the salad in front of her, piercing a lettuce leaf. You wanted to laugh at her infantile display, but you knew that would only result in her turning against you. And Hyejin was already a formidable opponent.

“He’s an idol,” you repeated for what seemed like the millionth time. “His rehearsal didn’t end until 3am.”

“He didn’t even tell you what he wanted for a gift,” Wheein interrupted.

“Yeah, what the hell is that about?” You muttered, turning back to your own plate of fries. You chewed on one thoughtfully as you made eye contact with Hyejin who gave you a deadpanned look. “What?”

“God, you two are dense, aren’t you?”

“Um, rude?”

“The phone call was the gift,” Hyejin explained.

“What a shitty gift.”

“Yeah, what? I would’ve asked for, like, Y/N’s homemade japchae.”

“Or my kimchi jjigae.”

“Or her dwaejigogi-bokkeum—wait. Stop distracting me,” Hyejin shook her head. “Regardless, bumblebee. He called you and that was his gift.”

You rolled your eyes at the ridiculous notion. “Sure, Jan.”

“Don’t make Brady Bunch references at me. We’re not American.”

“No, but we do use the internet,” you reminded her. “Anyways, it’s not that big of a deal. I’ve got other things to worry about. Like the fact that my cousin and his fiancée are coming in about a week and they want to get dinner together before they get shit-faced over the weekend. My only task is to gather blackmail material whenever the bachelorette happens with her friends.”

“Sounds like my kind of job.”

“Yes, Wheein-unnie, it really does.”

“Aren’t you gonna see him then?”

“Who? Jihoon?”

“Yeah, like. Aren’t you gonna see him next week? Isn’t he in your cousin’s bachelor party troupe or whatever the hell it’s called?”

You cocked your head to the side. “I don’t think I’ll see him? I shouldn’t see him. I think they’re gonna be in a different part of Seoul.”

“Huh. That would’ve been cool, though.”

“What?”

“You know that scene in dramas, where the main characters meet each other again for the first time in a long time and it’s all fuzzy and slow motion and there’s music playing in the background?”

“That’s—what? No. That doesn’t actually happen in real life, unnie.”

Hyejin pursed her lips. “Sure, Jan.”

──────────────────

“Ladybug!”

“Move aside, second-rate, that’s my lovebug.”

Your unnie ran into your open arms after she shoved her fiancé aside. You laughed at his crestfallen face but squeezed your future family as tight as you could. She squealed at your strength but nuzzled her face into your neck anyway.

“She’s… she’s my cousin, you know.”

“Yeah, but she chose me, which means that she likes me more. Chosen family is always better.”

“What? No—”

“She’s right, oppa,” you quipped. “Chosen family is always better. Has Lilo and Stitch taught you nothing?”

“I—you two always do this. You two always gang up on me and Jihoon, and—”

“Our table is ready, oppa. Let’s go take a seat.”

“For once, can you two listen to me, please?”

“He’s asked that before, unnie.”

“And we abided at that one time, right, lovebug?”

“Yes. He said to listen for once and we did.”

“Once only means one time, am I wrong?”

“No, unnie, you’re not.”

“God, forget it. Where’s the damn table? I need a drink.”

The two of you laughed at your cousin’s outburst and retreating figure as you both linked arms to follow after.

──────────────────

One appetizer in, you swirled the lemonade in your hands, appreciating the visible pulp as an indicator of its freshness. Your cousin, on the other hand, was several beers in, face slightly flushed, a permanent lazy grin plastered on his face.

“Wow, I’m surrounded by my two favorite girls—”

“What about your mom?”

“Or your dog?”

“Or Jennie from Blackpink?

“Or Zero Two from Darling in the FRANXX?”

“Oh God. He watched Darling in the FRANXX?”

“Ugh, yes, lovebug, let me tell you—”

“ANYWAY. YEAH. MY TWO FAVORITE GIRLS.”

The two of you snickered at his outburst. Your cousin’s phone pinged and he shielded it from you, squinting like an old man, staring at the screen with a tilted head. “Oh, hey, he’s five minutes away.”

You made an inquisitive sound. “Who?”

The two of them exchanged nervous glances, your cousin visibly swallowing.

Your unnie was the one who decided to speak up.

Because they knew you wouldn’t ever get mad at her.

Oh no.

“I know we didn’t give you the time to prepare, but we thought that you would’ve run away if we told you earlier, but Jihoon is coming here and—”

You could see her mouth move but you only heard a dull ringing.

You tried to speak, but no sound came out.

Wait.

Could you even speak? Where was your mouth again? Did it even move? What was happening? Where were you? Who were you?

“Y/N.”

You thought you felt a hand place itself on your shoulder. You turned to the sound source. “Yes?”

“Are you breathing?” “I think so.”

Your vision focused enough to recognize the looks of concern from the two seated at the booth.

Your heart sank. Oh no. Oh no.

Jihoon was going to see the two of them together, engaged.

He was going to be completely shattered.

“Lovebug, are you crying?”

“I—”

“Jihoon! Hey!” Your cousin’s voice went up several octaves from its regular position. You froze and cast your eyes downward, shrinking back as far into the seat as you could.

“Hey, hyung.”

Even the highest quality of speakers could not do this man’s voice justice, you realized.

“Oh my goodness, it’s our Jihoonie! Hi!”

You prepared yourself to hear the strain in his voice that you knew would tear you up inside.

“Hi, noona.”

Wait. What?

He spoke with such nonchalance, your head shot up in surprise.

Your breath caught in your throat.

Was your vision still fuzzy from earlier?

Did someone turn the playback speed to 0.5x?

Was that music playing?

(Shit. Hyejin was right.)

Your tongue mindlessly ran across your lips.

Oh wow.

He was really built like that, huh? His fair skin was so clear, you could have sworn there was a halo of light emitting from him. Cleanly done undercut, his ebony bangs fell messily just above his eyes, oh God, those crescent eyes, those bright, bright, bright—

Has he always looked at you like that?

“Hey, firefly.”

“Holy fuck.”

The older two gawked for a moment before your cousin began to berate you, going so far as to threaten to wash your mouth out with soap, while your unnie had her jaw dropped in horror. But you couldn’t look away from Jihoon. Surprise flitted across his face, but only for a moment. It settled into an uptilted corner of his lip and amusement dancing in his irises.

The woman before him, he only ever caught fleeting moments of. From social media posts by old friends to grainy photos from news outlets regarding your doctoral work. You were always so hard to pin down, like trying to catch a sunbeam in his hands.

You changed. So much.

You grew more into yourself, a woman you crafted with your own hands. There was a quiet confidence woven into you, so blatantly obvious, even though your current posture would convince everyone else otherwise. But he wasn’t everyone else. He could see the burning flame you’ve had since you were children, but it was more refined, more honed in, more in your control.

That made you more dangerous.

But that flustered look on your face.

Maybe you hadn’t changed too much.

And that gave him hope.

──────────────────

[끝.]

[side B: him.]

[pixiedoodlein]

I’m so fucking mad that a year and a half into this pandemic I am back to 11th hour debating another year of homeschool. The first stretch of homeschool, in NYC, when the toddler was a baby, and husband was home on unemployment, was good, nice even, a quiet piece of something good when the world outside was falling apart. The next stretch, the Oklahoma stretch, with a particularly climby toddler, husband working 10 hour days, me doing remote contract work, somewhere we had no family around to help w/ childcare, was challenging. I was not always my best self. Some days were delightful, muffins and math games. Other days I was more Miss Trunchbull than Miss Honey, fractions were squeezed in between crying (usually mine) and netflix (way too much of hers), and I held on to any shred of sanity by telling myself “just a little longer, just until the vaccines.”

Well here we are. Husband & I have been vaccinated for months, but the kids aren’t yet. The upstate NY town we moved to is a very small town (pop: 838), was mostly untouched by previous waves. When we got here, I couldn’t understand why everyone was so lax about it- no masks, no panic. Our first day here, when I came home from the market and saw through the window a gaggle of unmasked kids in my living room (the neighbors coming to welcome us, they heard a kid moved in) I almost had a heart attack. In fact, I was so tired from the drive from OKC that for a moment I actually thought I was at the wrong house, that I was hallucinating, because how in the world could there be unmasked bodies in my living room.

Then I started talking to people here. And I realized that the way I thought they were insane for not being deathly afraid of covid, they thought I was insane for being petrified. Because the disease hadn’t hit here; their businesses were destroyed and their kids were out of school (in a rural area with barely functional internet, remote school = a lost year) and their lives were totally fucked up, for a disease that never arrived at their doorstep. I came to understand why they weren’t worried, why here life looked (almost) normal. I told them about what it was like to live somewhere covid tore through, the freezer trucks of bodies on the FDR Drive and my previously healthy 27yld brother so sick with it the first spring he thought he was about to die (but too scared to go to a hospital), my dad’s relative in the next NYC wave on a vent for months and lucky to be alive but may never walk again, the doctors in OKC pleading on the news to please wear a fucking mask because the hospitals were fucking full, and the neighbors stopped thinking I was psycho when I carried extra masks for their kids, and made them put them on, when I took them to town for ice cream. I never stopped masking. But we did indoor dine here (once, BBQ, it wasn’t delicious enough for how anxious I felt) and I did bring all the kids, including my toddler, to a fairly crowded children’s museum in the big (small) city an hour away, where the rest of us were masked but the one with his hands in his mouth, who was all up in other kids’ faces, the one who really should be masked, wasn’t because he won’t leave it on for more than a minute.

Actually it’s a lie to say that I never stopped masking- I have dashed into little stores here, without one, because I’m vaxed! It’s safe here! Covid felt done. We had friends come here to visit this summer. Friends who are vaxed, but that doesn’t seem to really matter enough anymore. We had the neighbors over for meals, indoors (you see, more indoor dining! A minute ago I was just thinking restaurants, but why would plagues only spread in restaurants?). They had us for meals. The girls are a crew, new best friends, making my daughter’s life here so, so much happier, constant sleepovers (their kids were at our house this afternoon; my kid is at their house right now). The parents and grandparents are wonderful, making my life here, and husband’s life here, so much easier, so much better. We help them with stuff, they help us with stuff, there isn’t a day that goes by that we don’t see each other, unmasked. Some of the adults in their household are vaxed; some of the adults in their household are not. The kids are all too young to be vaxed. But it (living, doing shit again, seeing people again) really stopped feeling scary; it really felt like everything was fine, normal-ish, normal-er. The end of the pandemic felt in sight.

I signed my child up for school here. Real school, not mommy school, school with a school bus. She was a little anxious, I had to talk her into it, I sold it hard, I bought her whatever pair of new sneakers she wanted for her new school (she hasn’t had gym class in a year and a half; for a phase in Oklahoma she wore one boot and one sandal every day, why not). She wasn’t anxious about sneakers or covid; she was anxious that maybe she hadn’t learned enough in homeschool (I am not a teacher! I did not homeschool because I am good at it or love it or wanted to, I homeschooled because I was scared of her getting covid at school and dying), that she would be behind. She isn’t behind. I followed the real school curriculum as best I could (as in: sometimes totally and sometimes not at all), and somehow, when I gave her the standardized “real school” test “at the end of the year” (aka the day I couldn’t take it anymore, I had to focus on my work or I wasn’t going to have an income, the day I’d decided we’d done as much as we could and it was time to be done), she sailed through it, this kid is smart. Smart as in needs to be in actual real fucking school to stay smart and learn and reach her potential.

She got excited- one of the neighbor kids is in her grade. The other kid is older- but the school is small, she’d see her tons. She was excited; I was excited. I registered her for school. Her new teacher sent a nice note. We all were excited. She’s never taken the school bus before but the neighbors take it and she’d be fine on the bus with her besties, the bus would pick her up in front of their house since there’s nowhere to turn around up our hill (we are VERY rural), they’d all get on and off the bus together. She has been backpack shopping. We have been discussing what she’ll have for breakfast (honey nut Cheerios), what she wants me to pack for lunch (she says just Goldfish, I say turkey sandwich, we’re working on it).

But now, 18 days before school starts here, I am thisclose to pulling her out, to embarking on another lovely (not), gratifying (not) year of homeschool, because of covid, delta. When we got to our new home in our new tiny town in June, there was no covid here. Now, our county is listed by the CDC as a high transmission area (is there anywhere in the US that isn’t?). 80% of senior citizens here are vaxed; 50% of the total population is, well below the national average. 15 cases per 100,000, in a county of 100,000. I guess this is less rampant than our previous pandemic locales, NYC (currently 25/100K), OKC (49/100K). This is splitting hairs, everywhere is bad. This is what panic does to me: are we better or worse for every decision we’ve made in the past year and a half, every decision that got us here? There are fewer cases here but fewer people and fewer vaccinated people and fewer ICU beds. We aren’t safe even here, but at least we are happy (happy aside from fear of delta death).

I don’t know whether to send my kid to school in 18 days. There will be masks but masks aren’t enough (how many masks do I make her wear? two, ten, a thousand?). This choice feels crazy— in March 2020, when that covid was mostly sparing kids, I yanked her out of school. Now, this covid does hurt kids. How much longer, how many more years, can parents be in this position to make this nightmare choice? What will hurt her more: school or no school? There are vaccines, more than enough in America. We shouldn’t be having to make this choice.

As it is, because of toddler— not because of toddler, because of being a parent to children in a pandemic— my work life, and husband’s, will be severely impacted this year, again. I can’t send him to daycare because he’s too little to leave a mask on (he won’t even leave his pants on!) in a room full of other unmasked toddlers, whose families may or may not be vaxd, may or may not wear masks (there has been a noticeable increase in supermarket mask wearing since we got here, but still not enough, is any of it enough?), may or may not be going to parties and weddings and funerals, daycare providers who may or may not be doing all the same. This means I can only apply to remote jobs, so I can be home with him. Husband has some flexibility, more than he did in OKC, but god forbid he has to work while I have a work call or meeting or work due I didn’t manage to get done at 4am or 11pm when the house is quiet. He can’t bring toddler to work with him, his work is up on scaffold, stenciling ceilings. This will be another year of me muting myself on Zooms while toddler pulls his diaper off and hurls poop at the cat. Would it really be so much harder to also be trying to teach parts of speech to our daughter at the same time? Yes, it would, but I don’t know if I can send my kids back out into the world until they’re vaccinated. I am counting the days, holding my breath, until they can be.

I used to believe in personal choice. I don’t anymore. I want this shit to be mandated, I want the government to line us up and force mRNA into holdouts’ arms, I want it to be required, to be able to function in and interact with and benefit from society in any way, shape, or form. I have been very lucky in the pandemic. Privilege stacked on privilege on privilege, to be fussing over my Zooms in my hamlet. I had been pretty pandemic perky, baking my pies and playing with my pandemic pets and (thinking about) doing puzzles, but I’ve reached my breaking point. This shit could be done, but it’s not, and I’m scared it never will be.

[numbaoneflaya]

Can I get a list of all ur ocs?

Well anon youve done it, you made me make a list of all my major OCS in one place. I hope your happy with yourself. Under the cut for obvious reasons, may link in my blog desc later.

Modern/BTD verse!!

Jilly- Ferret beastkin little creature, was recently turned into a werewolf by vincent as well so she's running around on full moons in a wereferret wolf hybrid creature form. Chaotic and friendly and wants to be everyone's bestie. She has the most energy in the world and is very kind hearted. Banned from most Claires for stealing and from one Home Depot for climbing the shelves. Prone to living life with rose colored glasses on and seeing the best in everything/everything even when there's nothing there. Socialization is a must for her and is why being basemented/kidnapped broke her psych so quickly and developed severe stockholm. Sometimes overly talkative/enthusiastic and can scare people off. Even if she sees someone shes decided shes friends with be noticeably 'evil', will convince herself it must be for some reason/her fault and ignore it.

Ciggy- Undead punk still learning to harness his powers to interact with the world as a ghost. Was sacrificed by a cult he joined for free concert tickets and to get laid. Likes to cause problems on purpose both pre and prior death and he's not above possessing someone once he learns how to. Was called Rooster in high school before he dropped out because he's loud, obnoxious and always screaming. And also has bright red dyed hair. Looking 4 ways to become less ghosty bcs he wants to be able to help raise his infant daughter, whom he died before he could meet. Bit annoying and in your face, likes poking at bruises, his or others. Kind of a sad heart seeking attention through volume and persistence.

Mike: Vampire loser! Sells drugs and lives at raves. Was turned when she was attacked by a coked out vampire (whom she supplied the product to) and has major scarring on her face and chest. Needs a somewhat constant influx of blood so shell sometimes take victims back to her place and chain them up, slowly draining them over time. Feels bad (ish) about it tho so it is possible to survive her if you are nice and or interesting enough. Kind of desperate for a friend and for love. Is a stalker. If she likes you enough/finds you interesting, she might just appear in your house one night and start rummaging through your fridge like nothing is wrong and youve been besties for years. Its best to indulge her and be friendly, otherwise she could turn violent quickly if her feelings are hurt.

Kilaine- Regular human woman, but fucked up. Born and raised by an elite waspy society she had an interest in the human body and pain tolerance since she was young. Quickly learned that these traits were socially unacceptable in most professions, so she became a doctor. The only family she cared about was her younger sister who she lost in a car accident, where they were flipped over and trapped inside while it was afire. While her sister burned up in front of her Kilaine only lost her left arm and had major burns on her body. This tipped her descent into sadism and she is now madly obsessed with bringing her sister back no matter the cost. Rude and offstandish, clinical.

Dragon age verse!

Thurwen- My main Hero of Ferelden with a bad temper and a heart of gold. City elf from the Denerim Alienage, 18 at the start of origins. She's a reaver warrior with a lot of pent up rage which sometimes scares others when she lets it out in battle. Over the years she's grown less moody as she's had to take the role of Commander. Crude sense of humor and violent impulses, very sensitive to the plights of others and tries often to help. Never seen crying in public but only cries to herself at night- major martyr and hanged man complex.

Caz- My circle mage elf inquisitor who was an apostate before the conclave. Blood magic, but make it sneaky. Wary of strangers and new faces, always dealing with the impulse to flee/find a high vantage point. Endless curiosity about the unknown/ the forbidden/ naughty, was supposed to be made tranquil for it but she escaped. Kind of a little creature as well, lived on her own for a while as an apostate in the woods, filed her teeth down to sharp ends to make herself look more intimidating (shes 5 ft tall) and less cute (her elf ears are huge and expressive, which shes embarrassed about)

Dag and Thagna- Carta twins! Professional lyrium smugglers since birth pretty much. Raised casteless in dust town and had to work their way up the chain of command by themselves. Dag is the brother, Thagna the sister. Their father traded them to the carta for drinking money and their mom died in childbirth so they have somewhat of a codependent relationship. Both charismatic and calculating, friendly and agreeable but won't hesitate to put a dagger in your back. Hard to pin down morally or physically, squirrelly bastards.

Reila: Dalish elf who works for the inquisition/ is the inquisitor in some aus. She has an extreme fixation on elvhen history and rebuilding what they have lost. Not a people person, prefers solitude. Takes some time to warm up to shemhlen as she has a hard history with them. Good friends with Caz, who recruited her in the first place. Doesn't understand very many social cues and finds societal expectations limiting and frustrating. Fondness for halla and hooved animals, which she finds graceful.

Elder scrolls verse!

Valkya: Near seven foot nord woman whos over a thousand years old by the events of skyrim. Tall and buff, two handed warrior and compulsive hero there to bask in the spotlight save the day. She was killed at the start of the events of Elder scrolls online and had her soul ripped out and sent to coldharbor and she's just been a pain in the ass about it since then. Her body can physically die and will not regrow pieces. Her soul however will escape and teleport to the nearest source of power where her body will regrow from an aetherial plasm until its whole again. Loud and brash, friendly and jovial. Actually pretty keen especially after centuries of life but prefers to play dumb as it makes people underestimate her. Plus, she really does enjoy mud wrestling and drinking contests and acting generally like a rambunctious frat boy. Ha developed a bit of a substance problem and a problem with acting out, as after being alive so long she would turn to anything to dull the ache inside of her that never goes away.

Espira- My Dragonborn! Redguard from Hammerfell who was briefly in the Ash’abah due to killing undead while protecting her parents water farm as a child. Ran away from them after years and went to Cyrodille, then to Skyrim and was caught crossing the border. Reserved, kind and soft spoken, she's a sword and shield warrior who's committed herself to doing good in the world by helping others. Dislikes killing and anything messy but believes it is often necessary in order to protect the weak. She blacksmiths often to save money on the upkeep of her own equipment, and takes up metal jewelry working as a hobby with the excess material. Prone to trusting others too much and giving too many second chances, as shes always looking for ways to make even the most hardened criminal a second look at life.

Riley- Espiras little brother who she locked in the wardrobe during the event of the water farm attack. In preventing him from doing violence against the undead she kept him from being conscripted into the Ash’abah. He's way more chaotic than his sister, and suffers from a case of little sibling syndrome in which he will often pester/poke at people just to get a rise out of them. Still kind hearted as his sister, he tries to hide it because he believes that the world is a cruel place and the cruel survive. Despite that belief he is often still unable to force himself to be cruel/careless, only making a show of it so that others leave him alone and don't see that he's very sensitive and emotional. Deaf in one ear due to a magic mishap in his youth, he trained and enchanted his most beloved rats to live for years and sit on his shoulder, alerting him to noises he would not otherwise notice.

Felria: Evil vamp :/ chaotic evil dunmer necromancer. Small and devilish and likes dead bodies too much. Manipulative and cunning, she loves acting. She's a trained assassin for the dark brotherhood and is the speaker. Likes dressing up for missions and wearing disguises like its all a play. Loves toying with people more than she loves killing them, will act in ways that cause as much trauma as possible for other people just for fun and she finds the reactions interesting. Considers herself too far removed from most people's perception of morality and of her so it's hard for her to trust someone or see them as worthy of knowing her. Finds the psychology of grief and fear to be interesting and wants to study them first hand. The hero of kvatch.

Herren: Fifty something year old rat woman looking for something to keep her going. Ran away from her wealthy family in her youth when they wanted her to take charge of the household, instead became an infamous jewel thief and swashbuckler. Spent most of her life traveling and stealing and double dealing. She's smarmy and sarcastic, a serial romancer of the highest caliber. Bit of a show off and a hedonist, always looking for the next good party or new product to snort. Her family died off due to the hard times she wasn't there for and she keeps looking for bigger and bigger heists to fill her appetite as she's chronically bored and lonely, though wont accept intimacy and will scoff at it out of the belief she doesn't deserve it. Irresponsible and selfish, lonely and terrified of any sort of commitment. Fun to party with though!

[blushing-starker]

hiii darling!! saw you were a bit desperate for smth sweet and good so!!💗💗

i’ve sent this prompt to jae before, but i still adore the idea of little peter being in daycare and developing a fever! and daddy tony brings him to daddy stephens practice where he works as a family doctor. and so lil peter gets examined by his own daddy and cries in the cutest and most heart aching way when dada gives him an injection to bring down his fever🥺🌡

but tony comforts him of course!

“dada had to do that so you’ll feel better, baby.”

“i’ll see you later today at home, petey. i’ll bring you something yummy from the store, okay? now, go along with papa and cuddle loads with him till i get back home. that’s doctor dada’s orders.” - raf🐇

here you go! The first part while I crank out the second part. I know you read it already but I wanted to at least post it. Thanks for sending me the ask dear! I really appreciate it! 💓

It starts on Monday in the sandbox during recess. Peter doesn't really hang out in the small park right next to the classroom, prefers the cool temperature of the library where Miss Maria often turns a blind eye to his antics involving a screwdriver and the dismantling of any electronic device he and Ned can get their hands on. MJ, just a year older, is halfway sure the librarian purposely leaves old toys on the lowest shelf, but she isn't a snitch and it's, don't tell anyone though, fun to spend time watching the two boys figure out a way to pry open clocks.

His daddies are overjoyed their boy is like them, enamoured by how things work and how they could improve such things with the minimum of resources. In fact, Tony cried while talking over the phone with his mother, eager to tell Maria how her grandson replaced the wheel of a car the daycare was about to throw out in a few days. Peter, ever vigilant, had run to his daddy, afraid he was hurt or sad. He'd thrust the car into Tony's hand to make him feel better and Stephen's absolutely ridiculous husband sobbed harder while nearly suffocating their child in a hug. Maria sent Tony's old engineering kit from when he was a child and their Kleenex ran out the minute Peter wandered over to poke at it.

Stephen shouldn't tease Tony too much. After all, the doctor spent more time bragging about his little boy's intelligence than he did discussing his patients’ conditions. And maybe, just maybe, he sobbed in the bathroom when Ned came for a sleepover and loudly proclaimed his best friend had comforted another classmate when they fell and hurt their knee. Apparently, Peter had sent Ned to warn Miss Wanda while he calmly explained that all they had to do was elevate the area, clean with soap, wrap a Hello Kitty bandaid on the wound, get ice on it and be attentive to any signs of fever.

The whole thing was exactly, word for word, what Stephen had told Peter when his boy tripped on the sidewalk and roughed up a knee. Tony found him sniffling while cleaning out old anatomy books that suspiciously appeared in Pete's bedroom the next day.

They don't talk about it. But now the whole family has a bet on what the young boy's profession will be.

Yes, his daddies are happy he's shown an interest in their fields of study. Yes, they want him to explore and learn and have fun with different subjects. Thing is, they also know how important it is for a child to go outside and play with others. An intake of vitamin D was very good for a growing boy.

(That's bull, they would have gladly given ten thousand toys to Maria Hill for her to leave around the library so the trio could dismantle them. But then Miss Wanda cornered them in the hall and told them that no, Peter also needs a bit of sun and some interactions with people besides Ned, MJ and Shuri, a girl from another group who also liked the library. They begrudgingly agreed.)

So Monday morning after waffles drenched with too much syrup Stephen chooses to ignore are devoured by two sets of grabby hands, Peter’s daddies gently suggest he spend a few minutes playing outside with the others.

Peter pauses, screwdriver in midair and toy car set down on the table with careful movements. There's a little furrow between his brows, so identical to Stephen's that Tony wants to kiss both his boys for being the cutest people in the world. He refrains from doing so because ‘Peter needs to know when we're being serious, Tony, and that means no kisses during serious conversations’.

“Have,” oh no, their boy is chewing his lip, abort mission, abort, “have I been bad, dadas?”

Tony accidentally rams his elbow into his husband's ribs when pouncing on Peter and Stephen is very close to considering divorce. “No! No, baby, you've been good all month. Promise. Daddy and dada just want you to get a bit of sun, play around with the others for a few minutes and then sneak off into the library.”

“ Tony, that isn't what we agreed, oh Christ. “ This elbow jab was on purpose. Stephen stumbles out his chair, muffles the curse words against the kitchen counter while his horrible partner cradles Pete's face and presses kisses all over the boy desperately trying not to stab his daddy with the screwdriver.

“Don't listen to dada, you can spend five minutes out and then visit Miss Hill.”

“ Who? “ That scrunch is back and Tony loves Peter more than anything in the world. Well. No, he loves kissing Peter more than anything in the world. The boy giggles, reciprocates as much as he can until Tony cheats and tickles soft skin under a cotton sweater.

“Miss Maria, Tony. They call her by her first name instead of the last name. I'm getting some ice. Jesus, do you sharpen that thing?”

------

He can be a good boy. He's a good boy. Five minutes outside. Peter can be outside while Ned’s in the bathroom and MJ heats up her lunch for the day.

(Ned and Pete had the daycare mac and cheese; their bestie preferred homemade pizza.)

It's not that he dislikes the park; it's a cool park! There are slides and hiding spots and swings and trees for shade and the wheel that they're only allowed to be on if the teacher's controlling the speed. But the library is always slightly cold and full of adventure.

Sometimes they read a Star Wars book series laid on the floor in a circle with blankets and pillows Miss Maria brings them. If the trio feels tired, Shuri invites them over to the movie area her friends have set up with Disney films queued up. When their spirits are higher, electronics prepare to be dismantled.

Still. He can be good. And, besides Flash who doesn't really get along with him, all of Peter's classmates are nice and fun. The only problem is where to spend, Loki!

Peter runs to the sandbox, jumps over the bridge to a slightly odd looking Loki that's waving his hands in a general ‘no, don't run at me, slow down’ motion. He's too excited to not tackle the teenager that helps Miss Wanda during recess by entertaining twenty kids with wild tales full of magic and wonder.

Hands that never warm up that much immediately curl around a small body and there's a weakened chuckle buried in Peter's fluffy hair. “Hello, little puppy. Odd seeing you without your two companions. Odd seeing you at all, really, since that cute nose of yours is always buried in a toy or book.”

Pete smashes his face into a soft shirt, loves how safe Loki makes him feel with his hugs and hair ruffling. He likes Thor, too, although he prefers the younger brother a lot more. Which Stephen says is a bit unfair since the only reason Thor can't hang out with him as much as Loki does is because the blonde trains during recess with Sif and the others in the wrestling team.

Loki can change his voice a lot; a gift very few have, Peter's grandma once mentioned, and even fewer people use it well. Miss Wanda tries to take them to all the school plays so they can cheer on the others and break routine, but the first graders are very adamant on which theatre kid they love most. Thor's brother could paint the air and make even the most boring speech exciting to hear. Peter was obsessed, dragged his daddies to every play Loki was in and pleaded for a picture afterward. Not that he had to ask for long; the youngest of three would often take multiple shots with Peter before anyone else could even come close to him.

You could say Pete was Loki's number one fan. Which meant he knew how to distinguish between Loki's voices. After the face smashing ritual, he peeled away to squint at cheeks too pale and eyes too red. Relatively tiny fists curled around black cloth.

“Are you hurt, Loki?”

“Not at all, sweet puppy. I'm just sick. Thor and I went back home on Saturday and we seem to have caught a cold. Which is why it's probably better you don't stand so close, wouldn't want you getting sick. My parents decided we should stay home, but I left one of my books here, the one about Viking stories, remember, last Friday and came to pick it up. “

He remembers the book, a heavy thing with a leather cover and wolves drawn on pale paper every few pages. The story about Thor dressing up and tricking the giants is Peter's favorite. Imagining his Thor wear a bride's veil tends to make him giggle.

“So I can't have a kiss?” He pouts, peers at Loki through dark eyelashes, even wobbles a pink lip when it looks like he won't get what he wants. It works as soon as tears cloud his eyes. Like daddy, like son.

The teen sighs, leans down to plant a single kiss on Peter's forehead when a classmate nearby falls into the pit, sand goes up Loki's nose and the dark haired boy sneezes all over Peter.

-------

It takes an hour for him to start sniffling and complain about cotton in his head. Thirty minutes after that, Ned catches him wiping a runny nose with a sleeve. Said sleeve is completely drenched in less than a class’ duration. Miss Wanda calls Tony in to pick his boy up during a midday meeting he couldn't care less about as soon as the teacher says ‘it looks like a cold and he shows symptoms of a fever’.

He probably breaks ten driving laws in the span of fifteen minutes, but that's insignificant when you're friends with Mayor Rogers and your husband fixes up the arm of one Mr Rogers-Buchanan. Tony crashes into the principal's office, deflates with relief when he sees principal Fury teaching Peter how to unscrew a cabinet infamous for being creaky.

“And now I spray a little oil so it doesn't make the weird noises?”

“ That's right, now we take the can, spray just a tiny bit, like I showed you, that's good. Remember to always have a paper towel nearby in case it drips. Those are some very nice pants you have on and I'd hate to see them stained. “ Peter sticks his tongue out, carefully dabs under the oiled up hinge, motions a fond looking Fury to hand him the screwdriver, and gets to work.

Tony leans against the doorway, shushes his friend and Peter's godmother, Nat, when she comes in with coffee for Fury. They stay there, take it all in and realize Pete's growing up. They also realize they might win the bet.

“Ow! Gosh darn it, pinched my finger while getting the cabinet adjusted.” Fury sucks his finger, is probably running through much darker curse words in his head when Peter gently plucks his finger out and presses it against the cold side of a water bottle Miss Wanda most likely gave him to help the fever.

“Ice helps the inflammation, principal Fury. If it doesn't go down, and I don't think it will cuz this is just cold and doesn't have any ice in it, you should eat a snack and take some medicine. “ Tony swears he's never seen Fury more proud or pleased than in that moment.

“Your daddy tell you that, Peter?’

“ Oh no, sir. Daddy can't really, uh, his mind is too busy thinking about building robot bodies to think about human bodies. Don't tell anyone, but grandma says she saw him put butter on his elbow after he knocked it on the door. “

“Really? How old was he? Maybe he was small and didn't know any better.”

“ That was last week, principal Fury. Dada's the one that taught me all about the human body. Daddy couldn't figure out our medicine cabinet with an instructions manual and a Youtube tutorial. “

Tony clears his throat while Fury’s busy howling against the carpeted floor and Natasha cackles on her way to the infirmary.

“Hey, baby. Daddy's here to take you to dada’s.”

[xxwritemeastoryxx]

High School Bites

Author: xxwritemeastoryxx

Pairings: Damon Salvatore x Plus Size Reader

Word Count: 1.8K

Request:  can you do me a favor and do a plus size reader x damon? where he falls for her at school and he stands up to bullies for her? please and thank you in adnvance.- @lilacprincessofrecovery

Warnings: Bullying, some body shaming, that’s about it in this one. 

Author’s Note: This request hits home a bit. I so wish Damon Salvatore had been there for me in my moments of need like I’ve written in this. It definitely would have made for a better school experience. 

You hated High School with a burning passion. While High School was supposed to be one of the best years of someone's life, you strongly disagreed for several reasons. While you had a positive outlook walking through the front doors of Mystic Falls High on the first day of Sophomore year, that all changed the moment you had encountered the popular crowd.

Before Moving to Mystic Falls, you had never had a negative thought about your body. Sure there had been a doctor here and there that told you that you were 'overweight' and should try living a healthier lifestyle. But the words had always gone through one ear and out the other. Because at that point in your life you had learned how to own your curves in the best way possible.

Every outfit that you had purchased, you gave it a tweak here and there so that it hugged your body in the right places that had always made you feel confident in your own skin. Throw in a great hair day and a bit of makeup, if you felt like it, and you felt unstoppable.

That had been the plan that first day of Sophomore year. To walk into the school with the same confidence you held on a daily basis. That day had broken every confident thought you knew you had. You had heard the whispers, the laughter, even the disgusted looks that had come from the same group of people throughout the day.

From where you had walked in with your head held high, several classes later you had shrunken down and avoided eye contact with several people. You felt so out of place and you hated it. The first several weeks of school, you had learned to stay to yourself, trying as much as you could to be invisible.

Of course being invisible meant that no one was going to bother you, but that hadn't been the case. Throughout Sophomore year and Junior year, Katherine Pierce and her band of brainless minions always seemed to go out of their way to make you feel anything but confident. You look forward to weekends and vacations to spend a few days away from them.

It was also why you continued to stay to yourself and just focus on your school work. If you focused on all of that, you’d soon be able to graduate and leave Mystic Falls in your rear view mirror and not think twice about it. Of course once Senior Year started, things had began to change.

An old Family had moved back to Mystic Falls after leaving for several years. And from all the chatter you had heard on the first day back at school, the Salvatores were apparently a huge deal around here. You had even already heard that Katherine herself had made it known that Damon would be hers by the end of the day.

The words had just made you roll your eyes. It appears that founding families in Mystic Falls get the royal treatment when they came into town while those that weren’t a founding family was treated like crap, just as you had been.

The only thought that came through your head was that he was just going to be another one of the popular crowd that would just tease and bully you until you graduated at the end of the school year. Even more reason to make yourself want to be invisible.

But come Lunch that day, you sat in your normal corner alone and away from the others as, before someone approached the table and took a seat. Your eyebrow raised as you took in the guy before you. The raven black hair and the piercing blue eyes had actually made your heart skip as you looked at him.

“Can I help you?” You asked unsure of why he was there. As you sat there your eyes wandered around the cafeteria wondering if this had been a prank. Had Katherine set you up to be teased already?

“You looked like you could use a friend.” He said with a shrug of his shoulders as began to eat the food on the tray before him. “Plus all the other tables are crowded and I don’t particularly feel like dealing with people who are dying to become my best friend.”

“You must be Damon.” You said giving him a small smile even though you were still being cautious as to the possibilities of what could be going on in that moment.

“The one and only.” He said giving you a smirk. “And your name?”

“Y/N Y/L/N.” You said with a nod. “Of course not one of the founding families or anything.”

“I knew there was a reason I liked you already.”

That had caused you to laugh and shake your head. “You should know that if Katherine sees you sitting here, it will ruin your newly established reputation in this school.”   

“I’ve never cared about that.” He said with a shrug. “Plus Katherine hasn’t changed one bit since the last time I’ve seen her. I’m not missing out on anything by not being her bestie.”

“You hate her.” It hadn’t been a question but it had surprised you. Everyone had loved and praised Katherine and there were very few people that you had come across that shared your opinion about her.

“Careful, Damon.” Speak of the devil.  “If you don’t watch your food, Y/N might just snatch it with in a blink of your eye.” She turned to you and gave you a glare. “And you may want to warn your parent’s that the Y/L/N Family is going around to the Founding Families asking to be the next charity case.”

Katherine’s words had made you shrink down in your seat. Everyone had known that your parents were currently struggling to keep their store afloat. But to hear Katherine make it seem like the only reason Mystic Falls had opened their arms to your family had been because they were a charity case, made tears form in your eyes. You could handle the harsh words about yourself but when it came to your parents you hated when anyone spoke ill about them.

Damon gave a scoff as he looked at Katherine. “Hey Kat, is your family still living of the Mikaelson Checks?” For the first time since you had meet Katherine, it was the first time you had seen her mouth drop open. “Or do your minions believe that your still working the same modeling gig for the last twelve years?”

There were whispers from the girls that stood by Katherine as they looked between her and Damon. Even you had sat there stunned as you watched the interaction.

“You don’t have any idea what you’re talking about, Damon.” Katherine said through clenched teeth. “My parents work for a living and do just as much as your parents do to support this town.”

“That was after your parents made a deal with Mikael.” Damon said with a shrug. “If anyone is a charity case, as you so put it, its you. My brother and I may have left for a while, but we’ve kept tabs on what was going on through our parents and let me tell you, The Y/L/Ns have turned that store around from your parent’s disaster. So the next time you want to take a crack at Y/N for something you’ve been through, I suggest keeping your mouth shut.”

Katherine stood there wide eyes as she took in Damon’s words. While Mystic Falls had been a small town, the Pierces have done everything to keep their problems under lock and key, yet Damon was spilling them in a matter of seconds. It caused Katherine to glare at him before walking away.

“Like I said,” Damon said as he turned his attention back to you. “She hasn’t changed at all.”

“Thanks.” You said giving him a smile. “No one has ever stood up to her for me. I tried doing that on my own back when I first started attending here, but it failed miserably.”

“Given the right fuel, you’ll be able to fight back.” He said giving you a smile. “I’d be happy to give you that fuel.”

You shook your head, a smile on your face. “If it means I can finish out the school year without any more problems, I’ll gladly take it.”

He chuckled before his smile grew to a grin. “While we are making plans to finish out the school year, what is it you’re doing this Friday night?”

A blush crept up on your face as you realized what he was asking. “Whatever it is that you have planned.”

________

“Hurry up Y/N, we’re going to be late.” Damon said as he called from downstairs.

“I’ll be down in a minute!” You called back before looking back towards your young next door neighbor, Nikki. “Just make sure they are both tucked in for bed before nine.”

Nikki laughed giving you a smile. “I know the drill Mrs. Salvatore. You and your husband have a great anniversary. We’ll be okay tonight.”

“Thanks Nikki.” You said before giving her a smile before walking out of the room.

As you made your way down stairs, a grin pulled on Damon’s lips as he watched you walk down the steps. Much like you still continued to do with your clothing, the black dress you wore tonight had done wonders to your figure, making you as ever confident as you had been all those years ago.

Damon never once asked you to change after the two of you had began dating. He loved your curves more and more with each passing day. He loved that you had found the confidence in yourself one more. After Damon had put Katherine in her place, he had watched as you shined and found yourself as happy as you had been before you moved to Mystic Falls.

And tonight, it was your 10 year anniversary of being together. While you were coming up on your 5 year wedding anniversary soon, Damon never missed the opportunity to take you out. And just like all those years ago, any time someone had tried to badmouth his beautiful wife, he’d put them in their place.

“Have I told you how beautiful you look?” Damon asked as once you reached him.

No matter how many times he’d  ask you that, a blush still managed to make its way on to your face. “At least a dozen times tonight.”

“Oh you’ll hear it a thousand more times before the night is through.” He said before pulling you in to him and bring his lips down to yours for a quick kiss. “Now lets go before we miss our reservation.”  He said as he pulled away and escorted you out the door. 

[omfgtrump]

The Two Viruses: Part 3

So we have entered The Twilight Zone (please pause and take a moment to hear the classic theme song.) A sense of dread hovers over us.  The communal anxiety is palpable as we take measures to try to mitigate the spread of the Coronavirus.

How has the leader of our country faring this week in his attempt to manage the existential crisis we face?

The Don took to the Oval Office to address the nation. Presidents addressing the country from the Oval Office lends an air of gravitas, which is difficult for a know-nothing, incompetent fool to pull off. Simply sticking your chin out, snarling, and keeping your head held high doesn’t get you points.

I believe the purpose was to show us that he had a plan to address the growing crisis and to quell the volatility of the financial markets. It was an abomination.

While he was giving his speech, the futures market was tanking in real time and the next day the U.S. stock market was down 10%. Guess he fucked that up! Weren’t you surprised?

When he heard the news about the futures, rumor has it that he blamed Fed Chairman Powell: “He should have been able to control this; if I was head of the Fed this would never have happened.”

He announced a travel ban to Europe stating he had been in “frequent touch with our allies,” though they had no idea he was doing this.

Here is the statement issued by two leaders of the European Union: “The European Union disapproves of the fact that the U.S. decision to impose a travel ban was taken unilaterally and without consultation.”

Can you imagine the chaos this surprise ban created? Leaders of Europe pouring through the list of banned countries, frantically calling each other.

European Leader: Hey, Macron, you banned.

Macron: Yeah. But what’s up with giving Boris a free pass. They have a bunch of cases there?

European Leader: Who knows, maybe it’s the orange hair connection.

Macron: The freaking baboon club.

Don, The great Banner-in-Chief.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could ban the banner? Oh, that is called impeachment and his immoral and sycophantic Republican cronies took a pass on that.

My favorite part of the speech was when he used the words “national emergency,” which the very stable genius declared to be “two very big words.” Is that two important words? Or is it big words, like in “big hands.”

Now that I think of it, it’s been a while since the national conversation revolved around talk about hands, but given the hand-job we are getting from The Don, maybe it’s time to bring hands back in to the dialogue. (Don’t you miss the good ole days of Little Marco and the “little hands? Such quaint and charming times.)

So as we all obsessively wash our hands, and dream of the day we can wash our hands of him, let’s put our hands together and pray as November can’t come soon enough.

Okay, enough riffing on hands. Let’s get back to the “two very big words”: “Emergency” does have gravitas, and “national” does as well, particularly when you consider we have a White Nationalist running our country.

But honestly, these words don’t seem so big. Now antidisestblashimenttarianism is a big word. Or how about Supercalifragilisticespialadocious. Boy could we use Mary Poppins now as she would figure a way out of the emergency we are in.

What about the word honorificabilitudinitas, which can be translated as “the state of being able to achieve honors.” Actually, it turns up in a Shakespeare play. The wordsmith at play. So I guess when it comes to The Don, we need to put an anti in front of the word and define it as the state of achieving dishonor.

And how about Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia, which is one of the longest words in the dictionary — and, in an ironic twist, means the fear of long words. I definitely would have guessed fear of a hippopotamus, but words can be deceiving as we know from the thousands of lies The Don has told. The longest words The Don ever uses are beautiful and tremendous; so he is definitely a primo Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia.

And the winner is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, a word that refers to a lung disease contracted from the inhalation of very fine silica particles, specifically from a volcano. Given the Coronavirus’s capacity to cause pneumonia, this one seems really relevant.

At a press conference, the following day, The Don managed to blame Obama again for his failure to respond with the urgency necessary. (The only thing he hasn’t blamed him for is killing Jesus!)

“I don’t take responsibility at all because we were given a set of circumstances and we were given rules, regulations, and specifications from a different time.”

If we were playing a game of Clue, the game would end before it started because, no matter the evidence, Obama did it!

When asked if he was responsible for disbanding the White House Pandemic team created by the Obama administration he denied responsibility.

“When you say me, I didn’t do it. We have a group of people I could ask — perhaps my administration — but I could perhaps ask Tony (Dr. Anthony Fauci) about that because I don’t know anything about it.”

Rumor has it that The Don muttered under his breath: “Find out who did that and fire him. His aide responded: “Um, sir, Bolton did it and you already fired him.” The Don responded “I knew I hated that guy, but let’s tell people the black guy, oops, I mean Obama did it.”

Rumor also has it that Anthony Fauci turned to a colleague and said: “Him calling me Tony makes me want to wash my hands.”

Then someone asked him if he would be tested after interacting with a Brazilian official who tested positive for the virus just day after meeting with him in Florida?

Here’s how that conversation went.

“I think they shouldn’t be jumping to get the test unless it’s necessary, but I think they have to listen to their doctors,” the president said.

But when pressed again on the issue, Mr. Trump equivocated. In fact, he said, he did plan to get tested “fairly soon,” but not because of his exposure to an infected individual.

“Not for that reason,” he said, without providing another reason for the test that until now he appears to have resisted. “I think I will do it anyway. Fairly soon. We’re working out a schedule.”

Let’s pause here and conjure up the theme music for the Twilight Zone again. According to The Don’s new bestie friend Tony, anyone who has interacted with someone who tested positive should be tested and quarantined until they know the result, in order to not to spread the virus. (Even evil Lindsey Graham and Ted Cruz, who were exposed, self-quarantined!)

The Don, who is supposed to be leading by example is telling the country he would do this “fairly soon.” Are you apoplectic yet? And then he has to qualify that even if he is tested, he isn’t doing it because he was exposed to someone who tested positive as in “not for that reason.” It’s like he is saying “I am only doing it to get you assholes off my back. I could never get infected because I am a very stable genius and my God-like capacity makes me immune to viruses. Finally, after receiving a beautiful and tremendous amount of pressure he was tested and was negative. (Who reading this is thinking what I am thinking?) His response to this was I only got tested “because the media was going crazy.” So even when he does the thing he should have done he is so disturbed that he can’t say he did it because it was the right thing to do or that maybe that he wouldn’t want to spread it to others? Now that’s a leader for you, a man who has more empathy than anyone has ever had.

The Don’s sheer disregard for others and incompetence has made everything worse. He, his cronies and Fox News have spread falsities and are responsible for how badly this virus spreads and the devastation it brings down on our country. They all should be prosecuted for criminal negligence. We must do everything in our power to wash our hands of him.

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[thesocialfables]

“That don’t piss you off, even a little?” Ortega questioned Dasun as they restocked the shelves at the corner store they both worked at. Dasun wouldn’t consider the man a friend, rather somebody to just pass the time with. “Maybe it’s just me. Cause my older brother ain’t shit.”

Dasun was the second oldest of the six Bannister Boys. Growing up, he and Heir were thick as thieves. If you had a problem with Heir, you had a problem with Dasun. That was until their father went to jail, and Heir took on the role of providing. Since that meant hanging around dangerous places, Heir began to leave Dasun at home and their bond weakened a little. Soon Heir became less of an older brother and more of a father figure.

“Naw, not really. Our Mom calls Heir twelve thousand times a day. And he has two jobs.”

“Aw shit,” Ortega said before the two shared a quick laugh. “See my older brother just gives Mexicans a bad name, reinforcing stereotypes and shit.”

“Ortega,” Dasun spoke. He paused for a beat, before looking his coworker in the eyes to jokingly say. “You work in a bodega.”

“Yeah, but, bodegas are usually run by Puerto Ricans.” Ortega pointed out, before finishing up his comparison of his family and Dasun’s. “My brother just gotta play tough all the time.”

“That’s all brothers. I know mines do.” Dasun wasn’t sure where this conversation was going after Ortega asked ‘how was his day off’.  Dasun was extremely grateful for everything his older brother did for him and his brothers. He didn’t need a spotlight on him to feel seen.

“You think after everything he watched our Mom go through, he’d be a little nicer to women, you know. But nope, he wanna be a gangster so bad.” Done with both the conversation and restocking, Dasun moved away from Ortega as he continued to talk about his family problems. He felt bad hearing what Ortega and his family had persevered, but he couldn’t sympathize with him without feeling like a hypocrite.

Thankfully, he wouldn’t have to as the bell above the door alerted them a customer had entered the small shop. As Dasun approached the cash register to help the customer, he already knew who it was by the sound of their voice. “Let me get a fifth a Hennessey, a fifth of Patron, a fifth of Belvedere, some Dutches, Backwoods, a White Owl, and  whatever else you got back there.”

“Damn, you plan on having a party later?” Dasun asked, ignoring everything Shantell had asked for. While it was because they didn’t sell liquor at the store, he also didn’t budge because he knew she didn’t drink or smoke.

“Only if you plan on coming through after you get off.” She said picking up one of the random items next to the register.

“Sure,” Dasun said taking the light-up pen from her hands and putting it back. “My Mom got another date.”

“With your uncle?” Shantell teased. She and Dasun had been friends since 4th grade. And the answer to the question everyone always asked was no – they had never dated or slept together. Although after watching the man Dasun had grown up to be, Shantell wouldn’t mind if they took a trip out of the friend zone for a while. “How’s your back?” She questioned in a low tone, well aware of the signals Ortega was sending to Dasun from behind her, urging him to introduce them.

 “It still hurts a little. But that’s only because my doctor only gave me three fucking pills.”

“Well, I didn’t want to overprescribe you.”

“Girl, you just didn’t want to share.”

“Exactly. Take your ass to a real doctor and get your own prescription.” Dasun just shook his head. She didn’t drink or smoke, but she did pop pills. And the Percocet she had given him a few weeks ago wasn’t even her prescription to begin with. “Y’all seriously don’t sell liquor, huh?”

“Did you really want that shit?”

“Hell, naw. But I really am having a kickback tonight.”

“No thank you.”

“I didn’t even invite you yet!” She yelled as Dasun traveled over to the deli counter. Knowing what his bestie had really stopped in the store, other than just to bother him. “I want you to-”

“I got enough people trying to set me up, thank you.”

“Thank should probably tell you something.” Dasun just remained quiet. He hadn’t been single or home from the county jail longer than a week and his family and friends were already planning his life for him. “Extra onions please.”

“Onions?” Dasun paused. “You ain’t having no fucking party.”

“Yes, I am. I like onions.”

“I’m not putting extra onions. How you gone bag that doctor with onion breath?”

“He was married,” After graduating for Smithdale, Shantell was doing her residency at the university’s teaching hospital. While preparing to make his best friend the dip she wanted for her party, Dasun just shook his head. Shantell had the worst luck when it came to dating. But he had little room to judge, as he too had found himself entangled with the wrong one. “I’mma just wait for Little Man to graduate.”

“What happened to Heaven?” He asked uninterested in the rest of the conversation.

“Nothing, why, did he say something about me?” Shantell said. She wanted to sound like she was joking, but Heaven was too fine to play with.

“He did actually,” Dasun said laughing. “He asked were you still a virgin.”

“What you tell him?” It was quiet between the two friends for a moment, as Dasun tried to see if Shantell was joking or not. “I’m running out of options out here.”

“I told him the truth. Every nigga that ever fucked never called you again. Here’s your dip.”

“Yo, we sell that shit here?” Ortega asked picking up the container. “Now I won’t have to cross the boardwalk.” Both Shantell and Dasun just looked at each other. The store they worked at did not sell the mixture of cream cheese, white cheddar cheese, mayo, tomatoes, onions, spinach, bacon, and ground beef. It was a hood staple on the other side of the boardwalk, where the projects were. Known on this side as the bad part of town that Dasun and his family had escaped.

“Naw, I just know how to make it. It’s really simple, anybody can do it actually. I mean, besides ratchet nurses that can’t cook.” Shantell responded by sticking her middle finger up at Dasun’s sly joke.

“I forgot you knew how to cook, nig- I mean, Dasun.” Shantell cleared her throat before taking the container from the boy. “My bad,” Ortega went to explain his use of the word, but Dasun and Shantell just moved on in their conversation over his voice.

“You know, you really should talk to mister – whoever about selling Rico Dip here. N-word not included, of course.”

“But that’s the best part.” The two laughed for a moment before Shantell went to pay for the 3 dollar delicacy. “Don’t worry about it. Besides, if we do sell it, I’m charging a dub.”

“20 dollars? Good lord!” Shantell joked before tossing a twenty on the counter. “Now make me another, with no onions this time. You know onion breath.” Dasun teased her some more before creating another dip for her. “So,” She started, before checking to see where Ortega was in the store. “Have you talked to Tempest?”

Dasun sighed heavily in response. He really hoped they could’ve finished talking without his ex-girlfriend having to come up. “No. And don’t say that name again. You know who is like Beetlejuice.”

“In more ways than one.” Shantell agreed. “Unfortunately, you gone have to say something to her soon. Ole Beetlejuice showed up to the hospital today.”

“And then you came here?” Dasun asked on high alert. He quickly pulled his phone out to check all the blocked calls and text messages Tempest had left for him. “Why would you do that?”

“Relax, Tina Turner. This ain’t my first time dealing with your love life. I switched cars with a friend, drove through college row, and I still parked up the street.”

“You didn’t have to do all that.” As Dasun spoke, he sent Tempest a simple message letting her know he was still alive and there was no reason to call his parole officer.

“Yes I did, she still caught me.”

“She’s here!” Shantell tried hard not to laugh at her friend. She may not have mastered getting guys to call her back, but Dasun had been dealing with Tempest since their sophomore year of high school. And as much as they needed to stop calling each other, they never did.

“No, I’m joking, relax. Your trauma starting to show.”

“Just take the long way home.” He said before ignoring Tempest’s fifth call in the last minute, slipping his phone back into his pocket and passing Shantel another dip container. “And if you see her again, tell her I died.”

“That’s not gone stop her. She’ll just kill herself to beat your ass for dying.” The look on Dasun’s face let Shantell know her joke was too far, but she could care less what part offended him. It was all true.

“You know, if I was a girl-” Dasun started to defend himself since no one else was going to.

“Nope, not doing this with you today.” Shantell said preparing to leave the store. “You really should sneak over tonight. My friend told me told she has no gag reflex today.”

“Shit, she like Mexicans?” Ortega attempted to rejoin the conversation. However, the look both Dasun and Shantell passed him let him know to never speak again.

“I’ll think about it.”

“And tell Heaven, if he needs anything-”

“I’m his girlfriends are taking very good care of him.” Shantell rolled her eyes to the sound of the bell ringing, before exiting the store.

 As Shantell exited, another young girl walked in. Dasun was already looking in the direction of the door, 100% sure that Tempest had found him after all. However, it wasn’t her. Locking eyes with the customer, Dasun smiled to greet her and tried not to stare too hard when she smiled back. She was cute, with a heart-shaped face, almond nose, and natural brown curls.

“Can I get a,” She paused for a moment, looking up at the handmade sign of what the store offered. However, what she had been sent to get from the store wasn’t on the menu. “I don’t think I’m in the right place.”

“What you looking for?” Dasun asked, trying not to look around the girl to see if the back matched the front.

“A Rico Dip?” She spoke, still unsure.

“See, we missing out on money. My boy, know how to make it though. He’ll hook you up.” Ortega interjected from his side of the counter. As he spoke, the girl moved over to him to pay. “Oh, don’t worry about it. I got you. What’s your name?” Dasun just shook his head, as he prepared to whip up the dip for the girl.

“Chassidy,” She answered. Her voice was clear that she wasn’t interested, but she wasn’t trying to be rude. “Can I get it with no mayo and sour cream instead?”

“Oh, that’s the old school way.”  Ortega flirted, not catching the hint. “You grabbing this for your OG?” Meanwhile, Dasun had stopped making the dip and was staring at the girl from behind. His mother had sent her here. Ever since he came home, she had been bragging about her boyfriend’s niece, Chassidy who went to Tech U and was now a chef. The life his mother wished for Dasun. A life he once wished for as well.

“Juliette.” Dasun answered for Chassidy. The girl laughed a little, before moving back closer to Dasun.

“Busted,” She said with a memorable smile. “Hi, I’m Chassidy.” She said extending her hand for him to shake. Not wanting to rude himself, Dasun took her hand and introduced himself. “I told her I probably shouldn’t order something she usually gets, but she insisted. Just like this very awkward meeting.”

“That’s my mom. You can tell her I figured it out though. And I am not making her shit.” Chassidy laughed a little before admitting that was fair. “Well, don’t tell her I said the last part.”

“Oh, I wasn’t. She scares me. I was gonna make it myself before I went back empty-handed.”

“You’re a chef right?”                

“That’s an overstatement, but yes. I work uptown at the casino.” Dasun paused for a moment, keeping his thoughts to himself. He had to admit, this wasn’t a horrible match up. “Oh, I know the foods nasty. I’m pretty sure they do it on purpose. I just follow orders.”

“Well, since you obviously have working taste buds. I’ll save you from a hungry Juliette Baptiste this time.” Chassidy smiled while Dasun continued making another dip for his mother. “Just out of curiosity, is Percy really your uncle? Cause he damn sure wasn’t mine.”

With a soft laugh, Chassidy admitted, “You are pretty funny. And yes, he is. That’s not bad is it?” Listening to the tone of her voice, Dasun wanted to tell her that it was fine and arrange a date of their own like he was sure his meddling mother wanted after all. But Dasun knew it was only a matter of time before his fatal attraction caught up to him and he was better off not getting involved with anybody.  On the other hand, as Shantell would say, Chassidy was too fine to ignore.

“Naw. Unless lies and manipulation runs in your family.” Dasun said turning on his hereditary Bannister charm with a simple smile and intense eye contact. As always, it seemed to work as Chassidy’s yellow skin warmed and she smiled brightly.

Smiling and laughing, Chassidy proved she too had a sense of humor as she shot back, “Does it run in yours?”

“Unfortunately,” He playfully admitted as he placed the lid on the container. “Thankfully, it skipped me though.” He spoke holding the container out for Chassidy to take before pulling it back. “She gave you money for this, didn’t she?

“She did not.”

“Damn,” Dasun said passing the dip over. “Well, I guess I’ll have to take you out some time. You know to pay you back.”

“I think that’s fair enough.” She said still smiling. As Dasun pulled his phone out to get her number, he heard the bell jingle and his heart slowed down.

“This what the fuck we doing, now? You supposed to be working, not getting white bitches phone numbers.” He didn’t know how she could see what he was up too when she had barely made it in the store before filling the space with her voice. Then again, Dasun was convinced that Tempest could read his thoughts. Even from miles away. “He has a girlfriend, sweetheart. So you take your little sandwich and keep it moving.” Just as she dismissed Chassidy with her words, Tempest stepped in front of the girl and zeroed in on Dasun. “You and me need to talk, outside, right now. And I’m not playing with either, Dasun. You not outside in two minutes, I’m coming back in this bitch. And next time I ain’t gone be so friendly.” Turning back around to see that Chassidy had not budged, Tempest sized the girl up before roughly grabbing a bag of chips from the side of her and leaving the store.

“Your mom has my number,” Chassidy whispered after the bell’s jingle and for the first time in his 23 years, Dasun was actually grateful that his Mom couldn’t stay out of his business. “Give me a call whenever you can.”

“You probably shouldn’t go out there.” Dasun warned as Chassidy went to leave the store. He didn’t even want to go deal with Tempest, but he had no other choice. Because otherwise she was coming back inside the store and she wouldn’t be so calm. “I mean….No, I’m sorry. That’s exactly what I mean.”

 As he headed outside, Dasun didn’t know what part of Tempest’s presence upset him more; her clearly stalking his friend to find out where he was, her interfering with him moving on with his life, or her humiliating him in front of Ortega. “Tempest.” He attempted to gain control of their interaction and prove himself to no one else but himself.

“What you got me blocked on something? Don’t make me call your fucking parole officer, Dasun. I thought you died.”

“Why would’ve I have died? Is it because you hit me with your car!”

“Who you yelling at? Don’t let the little white girl in there get your shit split nigga. I tapped you. You the one talking about we breaking up.”

“We did break up.”

“Stop fucking yelling at me!”

 “I’m not yelling!” Before Dasun could say anything else, Tempest’s fits were colliding into his arm. “Will you stop?” He asked. But the girl continued, punching Dasun at any part of his body he used to defend himself against her. “Seriously, Tempest, clam down. I wasn’t even talking to her like that.”

“What you think I’m fucking stupid!” She screamed. She may have been done hitting him for now, but that was when the shoving started. “I saw you with your phone out motherfucker. What was you giving her directions? Little white girl couldn’t find her way to the beach?”

“I don’t even think she’s white.” Dasun slipped out in-between the girl’s shoves. However, he knew his comment meant it was time to start running before the punches started up again.

“BITCH, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I FUCKING CARE.” Tempest shouted chasing behind him. As Dasun avoided Tempest’s punches, Ortega and Chassidy stepped outside to watch the show – as did the rest of the busy intersection. “Okay, you wanna fucking play. I’mma just call Heir.” Dasun tried not to stop running, but he really didn’t want her to call his brother. Because it did piss him off. Heir was only one year older than Dasun, and somehow he managed to strike fear in all his siblings like they were all still children.

“Why would you do that?” He questioned falling for Tempest’s bluff and being caught off guard as she charged him in the middle of the street, toppling his body over. Landing on his back, which was already damaged from the last time they got into a disagreement, Dasun screamed in pain as Tempest just climbed on top of him and began hitting him. Dasun could hear the car horns blowing for them to get out of the street, and everyone on the street commentating as if the scene was funny. And just as he couldn’t take anymore and balled his fist up to strike Tempest back, he felt her weight be lifted off of him.

“Okay, that’s enough.” Chassidy’s voice spoke as she pulled Tempest off of Dasun and attempted to help him up out the street. “You okay?”

“You better get your bitch, Dasun before I scarp her ass too. I fight bitches too.” Tempest spoke as she took a moment to catch her breath and prepare to fight again. This time she wasn’t going to hold back.

“That should be all you fight.” Chassidy spoke with reason as she leaned down to check on Dasun, who just continued to cry out in pain. “He’s really hurt.” She said looking up to Tempest, who she assumed would be worried since she was supposedly his girlfriend.

“He’ll be fucking fine. You, on the other hand, need to mind your fucking business.”

“Dasun-” Chassidy called attempting to help the boy once more. That was until Tempest was ready for her second fight and charged her next. However, before she could reach Chassidy, Dasun tripped the girl and used whatever strength he had left to place his body on top of hers in the middle of the street.

“What the fuck is wrong with you? I told you I wasn’t fucking talk to her.”

“I don’t care! Get off of me!” Tempest began to wail. And just as it always was anytime Tempest couldn’t get her hands to herself, the crowd watching them began to call for Dasun to get off of her.

 “Did anybody call the police?” Shantell asked treating the bruise to Dasun’s back and ribs. Thankfully nothing was broken too bad, as he had minor bruising and some swelling.

“No. But I got fired so, no more Rico Dip on this side of the boardwalk.”

“I’m sure yo nigga will figure it out for the culture.” She teased. “Here.” She said passing him a full bottle of perception pills for his pain. “You really should go to the hospital.”

“And say what?”

“The truth.”

“That my girlfriend beat me up? I’m straight. Beside my parole office would love that. He’d lock my ass for sure this time.”

After the fiasco in front of the bodega, not only could Dasun barely move but his boss arrived just in time to fire him. Tempest tried to do the right thing and explain the situation to the shop owner in his defense. But of course, her attitude just made things worse as she ended up just threatening to beat him and his family up. After Tempest left Dasun in the street, Ortega and Chassidy helped him out of the street and to his car, but Dasun was too embarrassed to ask for any more help. Lashing out on both of them, he attempted to drive off. Only to end up crashing his car into a stop sign, blinded by the pains in his back. Thankfully the one person it seemed Tempest couldn’t run off was Shantell, as the girl showed up to nurse him back to health as she always did.

“Your girlfriend?” Shantell questioned, before helping Dasun sit back into her couch.

"You know what I mean.” He said exhausted. “What happened to your party?”

“You should’ve hit her. You should’ve just,” Shantell used her hands to describe Dasun choking the shit out of Tempest. “You said your step-cousin tried to help you?” she over spoke him, attempting to change the subject.

“You canceled your party because of me?” Dasun repeated, wanting an answer.

“It was just a little kickback. I can still call No-Gag for you, though.”

“Ortega told me to tell you don’t be a stranger, nigga.” As Dasun joked, his eyes began to close as he rested his head on the back of the couch. While he relaxed, Shantell watched him breathe. In the silence of her apartment, she took her bottom lip into her mouth and considered just taking Dasun for a slow ride right here on her couch. If there was any time to do it, it was now because he could’ve used the win. “Stop staring at me. I’ll be fine.”

“Ain’t nobody staring.” She quickly shot, before climbing off the couch and stepping into the kitchen for a moment to clear her thoughts. “You know, this girl came into the clinic for an abortion a couple days ago. She said she remembered you from when you used to work at Hoagies and you use to make all them off-menu sandwiches and shit.”

“Oh yeah? Not from when Tempest literally drove through the drive-thru?”

“Naw, she remembered that too. But it made me think of something else. Does Heaven still have his spot in Sam-Yo?”

“Yeah,” Dasun asked lifting his head a bit, for his eyes to follow Shantell’s body back to the couch. She had an athletic body type, wrapped in smooth dark chocolate and the right sized almond mounds that complimented her frame perfectly. It definitely wasn’t always easy just being the girl’s friend. But every time Dasun thought about doing something more he would remember that if he fucked up their relationship, he’d have nobody else but Tempest by his side. “Why?” He asked adjusting a bit on the couch to watch her eat the dip she brought earlier.

"Well,” She said before sticking a cracker full into her mouth.

“You gotta bake it yourself, doctor.”

“I like it cold.” She responded, which was absolutely not true. Without being hot, the odd mixture of foods was not appetizing. Shantell spit the food out in a napkin, before continuing her thought. “You should sell dinner plates out of the apartment. Your step-niece and the culture vulture could help you.”

“And when Tempest comes through and kills us all?”

“Shit,” Shantell said before inquiring how to heat the dip up. “Maybe she can take the orders or some shit. Wait, why are you including her in this?”

 “I was trying to get Chassidy number.” Dasun admitted. Before he had to return to the county jail for a few days because of his domestic case, he had broken up with Tempest. But it was obvious she didn’t accept the breakup, so Dasun had no choice but to admit he was wrong.

“So? You took your beating already, Miss Celie. Fuck her.” After all these years, Shantell couldn’t understand what was keeping Dasun and Tempest together. He may have managed to keep his composure today, but Dasun didn’t have two strikes for domestic violence for being always being so demure.

Before Dasun could respond to Shantell’s bad joke, there was a knock at her door. “Is that your married doctor friend?”

Although he couldn’t see her, Shantell stuck her middle finger up as she passed by Dasun towards the apartment door. “It’s God. He said shut the fuck up.” She shot stepping aside to let Heir into her apartment.

“You good, man?” He asked looking at Dasun’s position on the couch before he sat down himself. After he raised his hands to let his brother know he was fine, Heir continued talking. “I talked to your boss, he said you can have your job back if you want. Now before you think I tried to save the day, he called me. Said Momma’s little friend had already convinced him it wasn’t your fault. And he wants you to start selling Rico Dip at the bodega.”

“That’s amazing! See, Sun.” Shantell called from the kitchen as she sat down to properly eat her food. “And then you can still do my idea. You’ll be too busy to even see Tempest Jones, Jr.”

“Come on, Shantell.” Dasun warned. Not only because he was tired of the jokes, but mostly because it really hurt to laugh at them. She may have given him all of Miss Whoever’s pills but she didn’t open them nor give him one. “You the worse nurse ever.”

“What’s your idea?” Heir asked. After Shantell ran down the idea for him, Dasun already knew what he was going to say. Heir was always supportive of anything his brothers attempted to do. He’d probably upgrade the kitchen for Dasun to cook out of. “I don’t know about that. We left Sam-Yo for a reason. Maybe, just work at the bodega for now. See how that goes for a little while.”

As Dasun looked over to his big brother, the sharp pain in his side had nothing on the one in his heart. “What you don’t think I can do it?”

“I don’t think that’s how he meant-”

“Shut up, Shantell.” Dasun shot before he ignored all the pain in his body and stood up to challenge Heir’s authority. He was tired of being treated like the weak one of the bunch with the very little respect he got from everybody. “I ain’t scared of no fucking body. You left Sam-Yo, not us. I ain’t ask to move nowhere. And I’m a grown-ass man I don’t need your permission to do anything.”

“Son-Sun,” Heir spoke sympathetically, calling Dasun by the childhood nickname he had outgrown. Hearing himself, Heir stopped and stood to talk to his brother like a man. “That ain’t what I’m saying at, Dasun. I know you can handle yourself. And if I didn’t before, you proved that to me today. You absolutely right, you don’t need my permission. Just…watch out for Tempest and JonJon when you down there.” He went to pull his brother into a hug but figured his body didn’t need the stress. So instead Heir gave Dasun, a soft dap to his forehead before dropping the hint that moved him to speak against the idea in the first place. “They’ll probably be together.”

[zwei-the-penguin-with-a-pen]

‘Stars’

So, this one isn't going to be much of a narrative story, really, just an account of my experiences meeting the cast of RWBY at NebKon. I'll try and make an actual story out of it, but no promises. You guys know, ZweI is a bit of a spazz when it comes to stuff like this.

ANYWAY, two days before the Kon our saga begins!

"ZWEI!" I hear after roaming the bus station for more than a few minutes. I look across the street and lay my eyes on Regular-Sized Jimmy. I say 'regular-sized' because in some circles I'm known as Little Jimmy. This Jimmy doesn't actually know me by either of those names and calls me my real one, but that isn't really anyone's business but mine.

So I grab my bag and haul across the street once the crosswalk lights permit me, and before I can even get in the car Jimmy begins to complain. This, that or the other, just general Kon stuff and things. This wouldn't be a problem if we hadn't had to drive all around Omaha during high-ish traffic and do fifty thousand errands even though one of us just got off a damned day-long bus ride.

RSJ's errands include picking up the Bobb, one of the housemates, bringing her to Omaha Oriental THE COOLEST SHOP KNOWN TO MAN BY THE WAY IF YOU EVER FIND YOURSELF IN OMAHA YOU SHOULD MAKE THE SCENE so she can acquire Kon supplies, a phrase which here means 'all manner of Asian junk food', and stopping at Lowe's for something or other for RSJ to finish his cosplay.

Finally, we make it to their house. My bestie is still at work, most unfortunately, but the wonderful Mick is home. She'd stayed home sick from work, which is never a good thing to have to do, but she felt better by the Kon. Good times to be had by all. After a hug and a few words, I go straight to 'my room' which is in disarray because it's only a storage area.

Mick apologizes for not having the room cleaned and ready for me, and I tell her to do no such thing. Also, I have just realized, as in just now at the time of this writing, that I'm writing in present tense. It fits well, even though I don't like the style, so I guess I'll keep it just this time.

Around 11, my bestie texts me that his occupational imprisonment has ended. I'm so glad he'll be home soon. Once he makes the scene he knocks on my door and proceeds to crash into my bed. Hang time ensues, as it's easier to stay awake with him talking to me. The rest of the roomies are quieter than I'm used to, so I had been dozing off here and there.

DAY BEFORE CON! RSJ works frantically to finish his cosplay, enlisting much help from Mick and at one point trying to recruit me. I inform him that I'm terrible with a paintbrush and would do more harm than good. Ooh, did I mention the Bobb bought takoyaki and shared with us? Good stuff, as far as fried balls of cabbage and octopus go. That was the night before. Anywho...

I try and get a jump on my writing challenge, knowing full well the Kon will swallow all my time the next three days. Bestie has work again because EFF BUCKY AND HIS CONVENIENCE STORE I mean what? I said no such thing! How dare you incinerate that I can't use big words!!

Sorry... not sorry at all. WAHAHAHAHA

FRIDAY, FIRST DAY OF CON!!!

Get packed, stop for breakfast at two in the afternoon, and suddenly we're at the Kon.

And I see cosplay before we ever even park the car. A Garnet from Steven Universe walks by us and we cheer for them. A Doctor Mercy, like from Overwatch but not in her battle gear, parks next to us.

We finally make it into the hotel and I'm completely mystified. There's cosplay everywhere. Did I mention this was my first nerd convention? I go to the check-in area and show my three-day pass to acquire my t-shirt. Then, whatever my bestie and I try to do after that repeatedly becomes entirely derailed as I become enamored with every other cosplayer that walked by me.

RWBY cosplayers seem to be the order of the weekend. I see more Noras and Yangs and Rubys than anything, but there are Torchwicks and Neos and even the occasional Adam. As the Kon goes on I see more Blakes, which is never a bad thing as she's my fave, and Jaunes and Rens and PYRRHAS. I miss my waifu. It's a shame she was murdered, but it was destiny or something.

She was based on Achilles...

Bestie and I make a couple of panels, including 'Walking in Godzilla's Footsteps' which is basically constructing a city out of cardboard boxes and destroying it over an over again. We meet Avatar Aang and Toph Beifong as well as Lord Raiden and even the real Nora Valkyrie. She worked on the Kon staff and was ALWAYS in character. Someone even asked me if she was Samantha Ireland because she had the voice down so well

She wasn't. I tell you, SHE WAS THE REAL NORA! She escaped into our world and wreaked havoc upon us. Unfortunately, she didn't break my legs. Oh well, maybe next time.

Next panel we make is Voice Acting 101, featuring Erica Lindbeck and Arryn Zech. MY BAE IS IN THE SAME ROOM AS ME YOU GUYS! And she's talking to Barbie, apparently. Yep, Erica Lindbeck is the voice actor for Barbie. Every time you see those Target holiday commercials, THAT'S MY GIRL! Also, we find out that Arryn is a massive Digimon fan. Ah, can I count the reasons I love this woman?

The first RWBY signing is right after this panel. We make the scene to find that the line has wrapped around two hallways. After nearly two hours of waiting they close the door on us. We never even got close. Good thing they were signing all three days.

Bestie and I make a short trip to Runza. Good eats, by the way. 12/10 would recommend. When we get back, we finally go to the hotel room and release most of the stuff we've been carrying and decide what we're to do next. I decide to take a rest before whatever the next panel I'm interested in, and I ended up crashing until after midnight and missing it. I catch up with bestie around 1:30, and we make the IT'S 2 AM AND WE'RE STILL GOING panel.

We roam around a bit longer after that before retiring to the room for all of two to three hours of sleep.

SATURDAY! The RWBY signing for this day is stupid early, so we leave the room by 8 and make the scene, and there's already a bit of a line. We end up in line behind a Penny, a Nora and a Ruby that are all friends. This Nora becomes known as 'Nora with the Hammer' because she had a Magnhild prop that was twice her height. Also, I need a title to differentiate from Duct Tape Nora who I met the day before and had an incredible cosplay.

Behind us are a couple fellow muggle folks, and Bestie gets to talking with them about My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. I pop in and out until they start talking about RWBY, at which point I spazz. Naturally. Oh yeah, the line finally starts moving, and before long we can see the doors of the room. Omaha D was the room in question.

Sometime during this wait, I see two professional cosplayers dressed as Ren and Pyrrha and beg for their picture. This happens a lot with different cosplays. Before much longer we're in the room and I can hardly contain myself.

Lindsay Jones notices my bestie's Rainbow Dash shirt and proclaims for the whole room to hear that RAINBOW DASH IS BEST PONY! Bestie warns her that she's in a gigantic den of nerds and that saying such things could start a rumble. She's Lindsay, though, so she should be fine.

I come next, and she thanks me for supporting the show. I tell her it's shaping up to be my favorite anime but that it will be tough to top Yu Yu Hakusho. "Excellent choice! I love Kuwabara!"

"HE'S ON YOUR SHOW NOW! OF COURSE, YOU LOVE HIM!!" I shriek as she signs my sketchbook and the poster for my niblings.

Kara comes next, and I mispronounce her name. She says nothing about it, instead lightly complaining about how the staff wants the signees to cut conversations with the guests short and that her favorite part of signings is the talking.

I'm swiftly approaching my bae, you guys. I'm shook that I'm this close to her. I'm clutching my drawing of her for dear life. Bestie mentions that we went to the VA 101 panel, and she apologizes. He goes on to mention the Digimon thing, saying that he's also a superfan.

"Ooh, Bob's Burgers!" Is the first thing Arryn says to me, noticing my favorite shirt. She asks where I got it after she signs my things, and even asks for a picture of it. THERE'S A PICTURE OF ME ON ARRYN ZECH'S PHONE YOU GUYS!! I'm still shook.

She mentions her boyfriend, as his name is Bob, and I say that I used to watch his show, The 100, but I lost track of it because I'm terrible at watching shows. "So, I made you something..." I say, passing her the picture.

SHE WIGS OUT THAT I DREW HER! "WHOA! SHUT UP! THAT'S SO SWEET OF YOU!"

"I'm sorry I made your eyelash game so strong, but I'm glad you like it!" And then I ask her for a picture. And my soul leaves my body as I snap the photograph.

On to Barbara, still buzzing hard from Arryn. Barb makes puns at my bestie, as he made a joke about the Yang cosplayer a few people in front of us. "DUDE, YANG'S ABOUT TO MEET YANG! tHE UNIVERSE WILL IMPLODE!"

"Yeah, especially if they start cracking jokes..." I mention. Barb signs us and makes puns at us. Lovely times.

And finally, we reach Elizabeth Maxwell. In addition to Winter Schnee, we find out that she voiced Lady Urbosa from Breath of the Wild. Bestie tells her that she's her favorite Gerudo. I get an Urbosa poster for her to sign, planning to give it to Bestie. She notices my shirt and we talk Bob's for a minute.

And our mission is complete, so we make our way to the nearest eats we can find. After filling our faces we find our way to the vendors' block and proceed to spend more money than is humanly necessary. Soon we catch up with RSJ and Mick at a panel on cosplay fabrics. Later we catch the RWBY Q&A, and times are great until that business with that one guy that is not our friend.

We also see Her Majesty the King leaving the bar as we're heading into the jam with Bard and friends. THE BARD LET ME PLAY HIS GUITAR! WE JAMMED SO HARD YOU GUYS! So did everyone in the place. It was a beautiful time, it really was.

On Sunday, Bestie got signed by Todd Haberkorn for a friend of ours, and as he waited he found a Weird Al cosplayer WITH AN ACCORDION! Dance party shenanigans ensue, naturally.

We catch up again later and make the 'How'd We Do' review panel and Closing Ceremonies. We're super bummed that the Kon has just ended. We eventually make it back home, and I crash on his floor before I realize what's going on. The next afternoon I catch a bus back to Louisiana, still spinning from everything.

So yeah, that's how Remnant was made... or something.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I MET MY BAE!!!

*makes heart eyes for forever and a week*

\/\/\/\/\/

\/\/\/\/\/

\/\/\/\/\/

Day 18: A VA dressed as their character

For once, I have more than a rant for this day. XD

But yeah, meeting them all was glorious.

Oh yeah, i’m finally caught up. Well, i will be when I finished the next fic. Formal wear. Hmm...

[cremedelacremefanfic]

Crème de la Crème: 28

Evie:

“I can’t believe I let you do this shit.” I kissed my teeth as I sat in the dressing room of Saks Avenue. Today was suppose to be a day of relaxing and chilling with my girl but instead I wake up to bullshit.

Tish rolls into my bedroom around nine in the morning talking about I need to throw out my old wardrobe and get a new one. To my surprise the bitch had been there way before I woke up and threw out most of my shit.

I was fuckin’ livid as hell, we just bought those clothes a few months back. She said that if I wanted Ashton the way that I say I wanted him I needed to switch things up. My wardrobe is too bland. I swear I couldn’t stand her ass. 

Now, we’re in Saks where she’s throwing nine hundred dollar shoes at me. “Bitch, I am not paying this much for a damn pair of shoes!?” I shrieked. This trick has lost her ever-lasting mind. 

“If you don’t wake up and start living! Girl your checks say you can afford that shit! I say live a little and buy the shit because you can. Plus, you still sitting on that hefty ass bonus that you’ve yet to use. Girl, i would’ve bought me a new car and house!” She said excitedly. 

I sighed. “Fine, but damn these shoes are a bit much. I think I need new clothes more than anything. Ya know, since someone got rid of every single piece of clothing I had. Remind to punch you in the throat later.” 

She grinned. “Girl BYE! Those tragic ass clothes needed to be burned. If you want your baby daddy to notice you, you need to step it up. Especially if he entertaining the help and shit.”

I rolled my eyes. “I’m just over the both of they asses and that is not my baby daddy.” I snapped. Ever since I told her about Ashton bitch ass and I she’s been on this he’s my baby daddy tip. “Oh he’s not?” She questioned with her eyebrow cocked. 

“Your body language says differently. You know I’m good at noticing body language and sweets your body is screaming for ashton to tear them walls up!” She screamed. 

She so damn dramatic. 

“First of all, I’m not checking for that yellow nigga and secondly my walls are not screaming out for him.” I said through my teeth. I glanced around the dressing room to make sure no one heard. 

“Oh, so we in denial now?” Tish stopped her movements and stood in front of me with her hands on her hips. 

“I don’t know what to do any more.” I insisted “What’s wrong with us Tish? Why do we want men that don’t really want us because I know we’re good women, why can’t they see that?” I asked

She shrugged “Who knows, we see potential and run with it” she sighed "I wanted to change Tez, I just knew one day he would, you see how that blew up in my face, huh?” She shook her head and laughed.

I frowned slightly.

“I shouldn’t have stayed as long as I did because that ride or die bullshit is a myth. For you, Ashton’s the first guy you’ve entertained in a while, he’s different from what you’re used to. Wild, unpredictable and probably charming, like Tez. It’s intriguing, right?” She asked.

I nodded.

She shifted her attention from the rack of clothes and looked at me “I joke with you about him a lot, Ashton that is, but I’m kinda happy he;s not checking for you anymore because I know his type and sis.” She rested her hand on my shoulder before continuing “I will catch a charge for you.” She said with all seriousness.

I smiled. “I know, so I guess that’s the good in all of it all then, huh? My bestie staying out of jail?" 

She pointed at me and winked. "There’s always a good in something.” She laughed “But what you will do is slay that nigga life and show him what he’s been missing and pull you a new nigga.” She smiled shaking the shoes in her hand.

I rolled my eyes “Speaking of new nigga, Sean?” I asked. The cutest smile graced her face “What about him, we’ve been talking about work and stuff.” She shrugged.

“What’s the stuff?” I asked with a small smirk. Seeing Tish and Sean together, I’m not even going to lie, they complemented each other. “Nothing, I’m not trying to go there with him. Not after Michael and Martez.”

I nodded my head. I could understand where she’s coming from, she’s been through a lot with men lately. But, I think her and Sean would be so cute together. 

“Well, I think he’ll make a good friend for you if anything. I’m willing to share my work buddy with you. But leave Auggie to me! That’s my pooh.” I laughed because if August knew i called him that he would have a fit.

“Auggie pooh?” She questioned, raising her eyebrow with a sly smirk on her face. “Oh no! It’s not like that. He’s like my best friend plus he’s not my type.” I responded quickly.

“Oh, we know who your type is honey.” She winked and I shook my head and laughed. 

I can’t stand her.

———-

A few hours of hitting up every store in the mall, I was tired. I spent so much money on clothes, shoes and accessories I was sure I was gonna be bankrupt. But, all in all I had a good time bonding with my sissy. 

Now, I was pulling up to my house and of course my brother was home. Tez and I haven’t really been speaking to each other. For the most part we acted as though we were strangers and I felt like I was walking on egg shells around him.

I missed talking to my brother everyday, he was my everything. He was best friend and I refused to keep walking around MY house and not speaking to him. 

Getting out of my car, I Grabbed as many bags as I could and walked up to my front door. I huffed once I realized that I had to may bags in my hand and could barely open the door. I sat my bags down and jammed my key into the keyhole and unlocked the door. 

Once the door was open, I grabbed all of my bags and headed in the house. To my surprise my brother was laying across the couch watching TV. I dropped the bags, closing the front door. “Hey.” He said not even bothering to look at me.

I groaned and picked up the bags and headed to my room, after throwing everything by my bed, I stomped my way back into the living room. I stood in front of the TV, making his eyes finally met mine. 

“What?” 

“What? Really Tez? We haven’t spoken in weeks and all you have to say is what?” I shrieked. 

“I don’t know what to say to your spoiled ass, Evie. You dead ass wrong and you know it.  She kept my kid from me and I understand her reasoning but, but you are my blood you should’ve told me about my kid!” His voice roared.

My eyes bucked, I was in shock that he was even talking to me like this. My facial expressions switched from shock to anger in the matter of seconds. “Let me tell you something….” My voice trailed off as I walked up on him and hovered over him. 

“That wasn’t any of my damn business but let’s be clear since you can’t seem to listen to what the fuck I’m saying! I promised her that I wouldn’t say any damn thing! Yes, your my brother and we���re blood but you were a fucked up ass boyfriend and you know it! we didn’t even think that Hazel was even going to make it!”

“She was so little and the doctors told us it was touch and go. For six months Tish had to watch her baby in the ICU! She was trying to save you from that heartbreak! She even banned me from seeing my niece! Yes, we both fucked up but she thought she was protecting you by not saying anything because we thought that we would be burying her! It’s by the grace of god she’s alive! Do you know that Tish loved you more than life itself? When you came home she was gonna take you back, but you so bent over backwards about us not telling you!” I continued.

“I th–”

“I’m not done! Do you know what it feels like to know that something that you made and created was on the verge of dying? No, you wouldn’t know because she was trying to save your ass! Cut her some damn slack and man the fuck up! I love you, god knows I do but I refuse to let this come between us. Now get your ass up an give me a hug!” I snapped at him. 

Martez sat there with his bottom lip on the floor. He had officially pushed me over the damn edge. With this shit going on with Ashton and them Him being mad at me over something I couldn’t control had me on ten thousand.  

“What I tell you about that cussing?” He stood and grabbed my arm and pulled me into his chest. “Oh shut up!” I rolled my eyes and laid my head on his chest. “I’m sorry for not telling you but we both thought we were protecting you. We didn’t mean any harm or ill feelings.” I said, truthfully. 

Martez

“I know you didn’t” I admitted "But it doesn’t feel that way. I said as she pulled away

She nodded “I know...” she said “I wasn’t going to tell you though, I’m sorry. I know it seems like I’m choosing Tish over you but that’s just not the case. Whether I told you or didn’t, it as still a lose/lose situation for me” she said falling back onto the couch

I sat next to her “So it as just easier for not to tell me?” I questioned

I didn’t want to fight with my sister but right now I was having a hard time seeing her point.

"Yes Tez, I’m not going to lie to you. You and Tish always put me in fucked up situations and I’m tired of it, no matter what I do it;s going to be wrong and that’s not fair. I begged her to tell you about Hazel just like I begged you to be a better boyfriend; neither of you listened and now you’re in the position you;re in now. It’s not my fault, you two made your choices” she ranted using her hands for emphasis

“I wasn’t that bad.”

She laughed sarcastically  "You fuck up all the good things going for you." She said tucking her legs under her body

I know I wasn’t the best when it came to Tish and I’s relationship

"What are you talking about?”

“Take mom for one, we had no reason to go there that day. Life was good for us without them in it. Until this day you're holding on to this false image of what she could possibly be, she’s not a good person. You let her burn you so many times and it landed you in jail. Then there’s your relationship with Tish...”

I blew out air.

“I feel like you fucked that up on purpose.” she said resting her elbow on the back of the couch

“Why would I do that? I love that girl.” I said

“You sure?” she asked “Tez, she gave you chance after chance and you took advantage of that. You know the real reason why kept Hazel from you?” she asked

I rolled my eyes “To keep me from getting hurt.”

“That and you didn’t even showed her that you cared. She told you about the baby and you still didn’t stop you bullshit and  then when she told you about the “miscarriage”, she said you acted like you didn’t care, it was right back to the case.”

“You act like I just didn’t give a fuck about her at all. Shit, we both knew what was going on and knew that there was a possibility that I wasn’t getting out of that fucking jail cell. I just thought that maybe this was a sign.” I told her. 

I honestly didn’t even see the fucking problem here. Yeah, I fucked up many of times with Tish but she always forgave me afterwards. I guess I preyed on that shit a lot. 

I knew that most women wouldn't have dealt with bullshit I continuously put Tish through. “See, you still don’t get the damn picture, Tez.” Evie scoffed and rolled her eyes at me.

“But she always forgave me though.” I responded. If looks could kill I would’ve dropped dead right here. 

“That’s your fuckin’ problem. I swear you and your mother are one in the damn same. Just because she forgave your black ass don’t make it right! What is wrong with you?” She jumped up onto her feet. “Let me ask you something, what if Hazel met a nigga like you and allowed herself to continuously be disrespected by a guy? What if I decided to let a man continue to cheat on me and dog me out the way you did Tish?” 

I sighed “That’s not the point.” 

“Yes the fuck it is, as far as I’m concerned your black ass needs to fuckin’ apologize to her.” She said. I glared at her as she stared right back at me with the exact same expression on her face. 

She’s so team Tish, what’s even more fucked is that she don’t even see the fucked up shit that Tish ass has done. I know I haven’t been the perfect nigga to her but she ain’t been the perfect girl either. 

Far as I’m concerned we both wrong. 

"You don't think you should apologize for anything?" She asked

I shook my head "I feel like even at this point." I said with a shrug

"Even? Nowhere near!" she said

"Why you so pressed about it?" I questioned

"Maybe because I was with someone that treated me badly." my eyebrow shot up when she said that "He cheated on me every chance he got." She said looking down at her hands

"When the fuck was this?" I snapped

I didn't like my sister getting mistreated by anyone, I don't even do it because of our fucked up upbringing. It took her years to recover from that traumatic time.

"When you went in." She said "My loyalty to him wouldn't let me leave so I dealt with because I felt like I couldn't do any better. He made me feel so low…"

My ears got hot with anger. I felt like I was going to explode at any moment.

"Who’s this nigga!" I demanded

“You.” She simply said

My face scrunched up “What are you talking about?”

"The person I was describing was you, Tez, that's you." She said "I didn't know how else to get to you. I'm trying to get you to understand that You're just like Ken." She said firmly

"What? I'm nothing like him, I've never put my hands on any woman a day in my life."

"That doesn't mean you don’t have the same traits as he does. You mistreat the people there around you because you can. What has Tish ever down to merit your behavior?” she asked

"Tish left me at my lowest!" I yelled

"While you brought her to hers. I keep trying to tell you, it's not always about you. " she said "That hurt you're feeling right now, that's exactly how she felt when she had to deal with different bitches, go against her parents for you and compromise her self-worth because of the love that she had for you. All she ever wanted for you to do was respect and care for her the way she did you.”

"I cared." I said "I was just mad and confused." I admitted

I definitely did care about Tish's mental when she went through what she did with Hazel but, I was never good at my words or feelings. That was my problem, I could have asked how she was feeling, I just didn't know how to process what was happening myself.

When she told me I felt like that's just another tragic I was being punished for. For all the fucked up shit I did to her coming back tenfold. I’ve been fighting with myself for years, a fight that I should have never involved her in but her innocence drew me that made me stuck on her.

Maybe Evie’s right. In a way, I was like Ken. I did Tish just like he did my mother, sister and I.

Evie shook her head "That's why you don't want to admit you're wrong because you wanna be stuck in your feelings and not acknowledge the ones you hurt; you really you lost your girl over your pride?" she chuckled lightly "Good night, man."

[newagesispage]

                                                                        JULY              2020

PAGE RIB

Tammy Duckworth or Stacey Abrams for VP PLEASE!!!!! Thus is one of the most important Vice Presidential picks ever. Since Biden was not the first choice for a lot of people, I think many want to see if at least he will make good choices for the slots he must fill around him.** Shut up Klobuchar, nobody was going to make you VP, why do U need more spotlight?

*****

Hooray for the LBGTQ community! The Supreme Court has ruled that a human can’t be fired because of sexual orientation or gender identity.** On the down side, the Trump administration overturned protections for transgender people against sex discrimination in health care. It now defines gender as a person’s biological sex.**Also, Single sex homeless shelters can turn away our trans friends. ** The Supreme Court also ruled that Trump is blocked from ending Deferred Action for Childhood Arrival.** Another court ruling struck down the Louisiana law that had never really went into effect.  The rule was to make Dr.’s register with hospitals. Next up: The Court is taking on the issue of Trump’s tax returns.

*****

You have to check out Kubrick.life. It is fab!!

*****

The reason there’s never been a Rolling Stones musical is that it’s so hard to find a casting director without sin. –Gary Delaney

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Native Americans are set to protest Trump’s visit to Mt. Rushmore for the 4th.

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AP Bio is moving to Peacock.

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Great to see Search Party back for season 3 now on HBO max.

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The Brockmire jacket is on display now at the Baseball Hall of Fame.

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Hooray for Pete Davidson and his basement living. Times have changed and families are living together again, often because financially, they have no choice. ** Pete and Colin Jost will star in worst man.** Jost also has a memoir, A very Punchable Face, on the way. He will also star in a live action/animated Tom and Jerry.

*****

Days alert: I think Brady is beyond redemption. ** I am always so glad when Lucas or Wilhelm come back!!!!!** Jack and Jen need a story! **I hope Sarah gets over her shit and runs to Xander before he starts acting like a thug again.** Marci Miller is on the way back. ** The Daytime Emmy’s were held on June 26. There were wins for Ellen, The View, Heather Tom and Sesame Street.  Days did not fare too well this year but did honor Olivia Rose Keegan. ** So glad to some returns for Eli’s wedding!!!

*****

Can’t wait for the film, Never too late. The Michael Lembeck directed project stars Ellen Burstyn, James Caan, Ann-Margret, Jane Curtin, Loretta Devine, Christopher Lloyd and French Stewart.

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Other Countries are starting to ban us from travel in theirs because of our rampant covid-19.** The WH wants to end Federal funding for testing and research in parts of the country.** 1.4 billion in taxpayer $ went to aid dead people since the Government did not check death records.** Kid Rock’s bar had their liquor license revoked for covid-19 violations.** There are so many spoiled rotten Americans who seem to care nothing for the safety of others and only their own “rights.” People are dying, how long do we ignore the crazy people?? Can we stop harassing law abiding minorities and protestors and start arresting those that refuse to wear a mask? Thank you to the Governors, like JB Pritzker who have been level headed and kept us safe

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I am so looking forward to I’ll be gone in the dark. We miss you Michelle McNamara..

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Ozark will come back for a 4th and final season!!!!!

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“Shaming doesn’t lead to learning.” –Willow Smith

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I wanna see a buddy movie with Amy Sedaris and Amber Ruffin!!! Wouldn’t that be delightful?? They could be besties running a shop or estranged sisters or long lost cousins. I just think they would have great chemistry.** At least we can look forward to the Amber Ruffin show which has been in the works for a year, coming to Peacock!

*****

The RNC had not updated its platform since 2016. Their site said “the current administration has abandoned American friends and rewarded its enemies.”** The much touted Oklahoma rally was a complete dud. Word is that campaign manager Brad Parscale and Jared are getting most of the blame. They and the secret service are reportedly in quarantine now. Next, Mr. Brilliant was off to the equally intelligent Dream City Church in Arizona. The mega church said that they had installed an air filtration system that kills 99,9 % of the Corona virus in 10 minutes.  Their FB page soon took that statement down. **  “Still the most believable thing that’s ever been said in a mega church.” –Stephen Colbert. The administration uses the lag time between exposure and test results. By the time these crowds of people may start to test positive, Trump will have moved on and take no blame. ** It seems all that has been accomplished since Scary Clown 45 took office is angst. From reporters to Doctors to politicians to the public there have been disagreements and turmoil. Behind the scenes, however, the agendas being pushed thru are trampling all over our rights.

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The Government has purged 174 thousand fake accounts that originated in China.

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Studies show that cop shows make us believe that police are mostly good and mostly break the rules only for really bad perps. 21% of the public interact with police on a regular basis. Can we not separate fact from fiction?

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Paul McCartney is pretty pissed at the Italian government after they gave no refunds to fans for a cancelled concert. ** A story that turned out to be a non-story is Penny Lane. Someone wrote ‘racist’ above the famous Penny Lane sign because they thought the street was named for slave trader James Penny. It turns out that this had been researched before and this is not a true story .  The street was originally Pennies street and had no connection.

*****

Jimmy Kimmel is taking a couple of months off.  Guest hosts will pop up in July. He has had some backlash from old blackface controversy and some questionable interviews.

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What we’ve seen now is how fragile a democracy is. –Sherilyn Ifill

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70% of companies have cancelled internships. The rich have gotten a lot richer.

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Hooray for the young! Many are volunteering for the Corona virus trials in which they will have to be given the virus.** What a wonderful world it would be if we could all get along and play fair and help each other. Why do some so hate that idea?

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Army for Trump.com???? Did he get this idea from Gene Simmons????** People are starving, there is unrest in the streets, protesters beaten, racial inequality, over 110thousand dead to a virus and Trump wants a military parade for the 4th of July??? WTF?? The people of Washington are not too happy as they ponder the weight of tanks ruining their streets.

*****

Why does Trump talk of his love of Police and yet in Dallas he did not have the Police Chief, the Sheriff or the DA at his event?

*****

The Senate armed services committee has adopted an amendment to remove the names of confederate General from military assets within 3 years. ** Traitors statues are being removed. Will the faces of slave owners on currency be next???** Princeton is taking Woodrow Wilson’s name off of the school. ** Why do we even have to take flags, statues and imagery from Naval ships and the halls of our Government buildings?? They should have been removed long ago.** We do not live in a country to which Braxton Bragg, Henry L. Benning or Robert E. Lee can serve as an inspiration. –Gen. David Patraeus**Perhaps Scary Clown could just be President of the Confederacy since they seem to want it miss it. Is it time to secede and this time, just let them go??** Free speech is very important in this country and those who want confederate flags on personal property should be able to. It is good to know who the traitors are. Things do not change, from parading the possible communists to Japanese internment to Native Americans to the Irish, the Jewish, to Black lives matter. The uninformed, the bully’s and the haters just seem to need someone to blame for their problems.

*****

Dolly Parton and Nina West will sell products which declare, “Kindness is Queen.”  The sales will fund Imagination Library and Nina West foundation.

*****

This month in “alleged” creep news : Actor Danny Masterson has been charged with 3 counts of rape.** Chris D’Elia is accused of sexual harassment and grooming under aged women. **Justin Beiber is accused of sexual assault from 2014.** Ron Jeremy has been charged with the rape of 3 women and sexually assaulting another. His bail is 6.6 mil.** Mythbuster’s host Adam Savage has had a lawsuit filed against him by his sister, Miranda Pacchiana for sexual abuse.** The Weinstein global settlement is 46.7 mil.

*****

There is word that they may replace Tennessee’s statue of Nathan Bedford Forrest with Dolly Parton. That is pretty good thinking!!

*****

Don’t worry about those confederate statues being torn down. They’re getting what they always wanted: Out of America.** I think the statues of the white European they claim is Jesus should also come down.  They are a form of white supremacy. –Shaun King

*****

Slavery is still legal by way of the industrial prison complex and privatized prison systems. –Wolfe the Chef

*****

Trump has a half billion in loans coming due. –Mother Jones

*****

Perhaps Trump thinks between, the protests, the Covid and the cop killings, many of those against him will just die off. Moscow Mitch and the boys are right there with him. Bill Maher would call it the red wall of silence. Next up to kill us off: the draft?

*****

The Senate armed services committee has adopted an amendment to remove the names of Confederate Generals from military assets within 3 years.

*****

Trump signs executive order renaming the Pearl Harbor memorial, ‘Fort Yamamto.’ –Danny Zuker

*****

Asst. Secretary of State for legislative affairs, Mary Elizabeth Taylor is out.

*****

Let us never forget the name Darnella Frasier, the 17 year old girl who took video of George Floyd’s murder.

*****

Hollywood never told us that 1 in 3 cowboys back in the day were black. Legend has it that the Lone Ranger was based on one of those very cowboys by the name of Bass Reeves.

*****

Nascar has banned the confederate flag from events thanks to Bubba Wallace, the first black driver in 50 years to win one of the top 3 National touring series.  He has introduced his new #43 Chevy which  states Black Lives Matter with  black and white fists clasped with the caption, “Compassion, love and understanding.” Fans were asked in 2015 to stop with the flag but many ignored the request. Driver Ray Ciccarelli says that he will leave at the end of the season.  Kyle Larson was suspended from Nascar and fired by his team for a racial slur during a streaming event. Kyle Weatherman unveiled a blue lives matter flag car with the slogan “Back the Blue.”** Why was taking a knee so bad? The NFL says they made a mistake. This country is so slow to change which is why we must keep the pressure on.  To focus on punishment after and not prevention of these crimes is a huge mistake.** The June 21 race was delayed for rain but it will be remembered for the plane that flew overhead with a confederate flag that declared ‘Defund Nascar’ and a noose that was found in the garage stall of Bubba Wallace. The next day at the postponed race, the other drivers walked Wallace to the front. It was something to see.  Mike Skinner’s son, Dustin wrote, “My hat is off to who put the noose at his car. I wish they would of tied it to him and drug him around the pits.” **The next day the FBI declared that the noose was just a garage pull that had been there for months. WTF???? The right has gone crazy with clever turns of phrase like, ‘fake noose.’ Was it an honest mistake?  I suppose these things can happen when everybody gets jumpy . The crew member that found it asked others what they thought so it wasn’t lie they jumped to conclusions. It was Talladega that should have known. Mike Skinner’s son,

*****

Trump began his term promising to build a wall to protect America from the world. He ends it building a wall to protect himself from Americans. – Nick Confessore

*****

The Dems are happy to let Biden stay safe at home. Journalist Jonathon Lemore mentioned that with all the polls, mishandlings and faux pas from Trump, he may want to change the nickname he has given from sleepy Joe to President –elect Joe. Not so fast, we know the die-hards will not give up even in this ‘Trump fatigue’ slide, but voting is happening in record numbers.

*****

A judge has ruled that children must be released from the detention centers after 20 days.

*****

It has been reported that Scary Clown found out in March that Russia offered Afgan militants bounties to kill US troops. Once a traitor, always a traitor. Of course he supports confederate traitors.

*****

The Georgia Secretary of State spent $400thousand on a commercial. He wanted to pat himself on the back for buying new voting machines.**The Republican party is reportedly spending $20 million to hire people to intimidate voters that they call ‘pollwatchers.’

*****

Blue Apron will close facilities on Election day and give employees a paid day off. Anybody else wanna step up?

*****

Raven Symone married Miranda Maday.

*****

Michelle Williams and hubby Thomas Kail had a baby.

*****

There are no good cops as long as there are bad cops.** With all the insanity, Marianne Williamson sounds pretty good right now.

*****

If you have not seen this Trump coloring book that sells for $20, it is something to see. He looks like a super hero which seems like just one more step to dictator.

*****

AG Barr told the US attorney for the Southern District of NY, Richard Berman that he was stepping down but he refused.  Barr then said that Trump was removing him. Trump says he has nothing to do with it. Have we ever heard of a bigger coward?

*****

I suppose it is too much to ask but I hope the people who still don’t get what is going on in this country will pay attention and at least try to understand. There are such intelligent points being made and we need to listen. I will share many of those with you. U may have seen a lot of these for yourself but I wanted to highlight some wonderful words.  Slavery, minimum wage, payday loans, can you blame the few looters? Some may be protesters but most are profiteers . Corporate America does not keep a lot of their promises so many feel they have no deal with these people. Most of the protests are peaceful so leave them alone. When the police go after innocent people who assemble, they prove the point that the force is out of control.  It is time to demilitarize and defund the police. Changing policy is nice and all but there are still many cases and those officers remain on the job. ** The protests are about a lot more than George Floyd.** Is this true that some police are covering their badge numbers and names?? Why wouldn’t a person want to serve and protect instead of being so covert? They are proving the point of the protests.

*****

It’s Boogaloo, not Antifa.

*****

James Bodenstedt, CEO of Muy who has stake in many Wendy’s, Taco Bell and Pizza Huts has donated hundreds of thousands of dollars to the Trump campaign. ** Defund Tucker Carlson, let’s keep an eye on all who advertise on FOX and boycott those. Disney and T mobile have pulled out. I cannot believe Disney was showing ads on there anyway but they claim that it was some 3rd party ad buyer and they did not know. In return, Tucker is telling his listeners about the nasty companies that support Black Lives Matter. ** Why have so many of the Fox employees and their frequent guests been arrested?** I suppose many republicans are quite happy that the Federal government is doing next to nothing to help its citizens. They often scream that they do not want the government involved and we should all be on our own.

*****

Oh Joy, to wake up and see that The Politician S2 was up! Woo Hoo!! I saw a review in the Reporter that stated , ”Nor does it have anything vaguely insightful to say.”  Well I enjoyed it , mostly due to the wonderful Bette Midler, Judith Light, Joe Morton and the fashion!! Not everything needs a message. There is some outright preaching and a few clever lessons here though.  The last episode could have been better but the line about the older generation and game theory really hit home. Not only do older generations think different, we were taught different. Computers can confound them, gaming can confuse them. Of course, this does not include everyone. But it does seem that the logic we use is just different.  As far as season 2 though, sometimes you just want to watch something delicious and ornery FUN!!

*****

Givers beware: Many have been finding out that when they donate to the Black Lives Matter Foundation, it is not the Black Lives Matter movement. Do your research!

*****

I saw a point from a talking head that answered the question of why do blacks keep killing each other? She wondered if people have seen the ID channel which is whites killing each other every day. There seems much plotting and hiding on these shows and somehow they get away with it for so long. I myself have seen much violence in my own family.

*****

North Carolina would not let the RNC hold its big night there because of restrictions. West Virginia Gov. Justice welcomed Trump to have it the convention there and in fact invited any President there but not Obama. Scary Clown went with Florida.** A white hate group opened a FB page to pose as ANTIFA.

*****

Scary clown 45 can’t legally employ army against citizens. He declared a dictatorship. –John Cusack** Never forget: Posse Camatatis: The President can’t use the military as his own posse. The insurrection act is the exception if there is an ongoing problem and the Governor has to invite them in.** It is confusing in D.C. for there are secret service, local and Federal all vying for jurisdiction. There is also the ‘correctional police force.’ The AG is combining multiple forces like the DEA, military police, prison and National Guard. Huh? It is time to make D.C. a state. ** After his big show of force for his Bible day, he sent most military leaders back to their home bases.** General Milley has apologized for being a part of the photo op.

*****

Intel reports show that Russia is so happy with their plan to destroy us from within. It has worked like a charm!** Many in China are saying that Trump is a godsend because he is ruining the rep of the U.S.** It is quite sad to hear leaders and journalists from around the world reporting that America’s time has passed and is no longer a super power.

*****

He desecrates the Bible. He desecrates a Christian church and he desecrates the Presidency. Shame. –James J. Zogby** The Episcopal Bishop of DC who oversees the DC church that the President stopped at to hold up his book, was outraged. Neither she nor the rector was asked or told that they would be clearing peaceful protesters with force and smoke bombs or that one of their churches would be used as a prop. ** A truly sacrilegious use of the Bible to bless a brutal stunt. –Michael Gerson, GW Bush speechwriter

*****

Trump has asked CNN to apologize for a poll that claimed that Biden was winning. Fox had a similar poll so WTF?

*****

Oh no, I see that Loews gave 25 mil to help minority owned business’s while Home Depot gave 7 mil to Trump. I have my own issues with service at Loews in the past and good things to say about the Depot. Thus does make one think.

*****

White supremacists and racist terrorists pose a greater risk of violence. –FBI

*****

Judge Jed S. Rakoff has declared ICE’s policy of courthouse arrests to be illegal.

*****

He who is reluctant to recognize me opposes me. –Frantz Fanon

*****

ABC senior executive Barbara Fedida is on administrative leave after allegations of racial remarks and insensitive comments.

*****

Kristen Wiig and Ari Rothman had twins.

*****

The Hollywood walk of fame is adding Kelly Clarkson, Benedict Cumberbatch, Dom McLean, Zac Efron, Shia LaBeouf, Missy Elliott, Luciano Pavarotti and August Wilson.

*****

Holland Taylor and PBS have brought us Ann. The Tony nominated play is about Governor Ann Richards.

*****

North Korea has recently added enough material for 20 more nukes. While we are distracted, Kim Yo-Jung, Un’s sister had come front and center. She has said, it’s time “to break ties with South Korea.”

*****

Employees had told me that Costco samples were a thing of the past but it looks like they are coming back.

*****

A new book about Melania, which she calls fiction is here. There are many stories inside like how Ivanka calls her step mother, The portrait because she never smiles. ** A Trump niece, Mary L. Trump has also written a tell all. The courts have it held up at the moment. ** A judge denied an injunction to block Bolton’s book. Did he think he would be a savior because he says he is telling the truth NOW?

*****

A judge had to order Mnuchin to give $679 mil in emergency covid-19 relief funds to Native tribes.** Be aware- Covid tests are free but they sometimes test for flus first and they are not always covered. This happened to Katie Porter.

*****

“There isn’t a coronavirus second wave.”- Mike Pence. This is also a man who once wrote ,”smoking doesn’t kill.”

*****

Save the Merit System Protection Bureau!!  The backlog gets bigger and bigger and will cost the taxpayers more and more.

*****

The U.S. now faces allegations of human rights abuse because of treatment of protesters.** Private jet companies got $300 million in bailout $. What about small business?** Bullfighters in Spain have asked for Government help since they can’t kill their bulls.

*****

It is such a shame that George P. Bush (who I once thought could steer the Republican Party back) is solidly in the Trump camp. Yikes!!

*****

Doug Mills won the WH correspondents Association photo of the year for the Pelosi clap pic from the State of the Union.

*****

The ACLU has filed suit against Minnesota police for ‘targeting’ journalists.

*****

How can the black community dismantle a problem they did not create? – James Corden

*****

Mississippi voted to remove the confederate emblem from the state flag.

*****

I swear if I ever hear Stephen Colbert talk about his hair again, I will scream!! The rest of us need haircuts too.  I wish he would stop whining about it before he turns to the “dark times” of the day. But hugs for Colbert though for his Bolton interview. It is pretty sad when a comic minded talk show host digs deeper in an interview than the news pundits. The jack ass needs to be called out cuz his arguments are ridiculous.  ** Oh no, Since I wrote this, Seth Meyers has now bitched twice about his hair.** They are teaching the thoughts of Trevor Noah in classes now. And BTW when will we have more diverse late night hosts?

*****

Hooray for John Cusack, Elizabeth Warren, Madonna, Tammy Duckworth, Dick Durbin,  J.B. Pritzker and Mitt Romney for coming out to march. More of that!!

*****

There is word that an old sketch from David Cross and Bob Odenkirk is being pulled. I am not sure that what they were doing was understood. There are many shows taking out the blackface scenes such as Scrubs and 30 Rock.

*****

I just keep seeing the scene in my head from The Wall: “UP against the wall.”** It is simple, I always think, half of this country just has a completely different idea of what America is or should be than the other half.** And what kind of number did Trump’s parents and Roy Cohn do on him? He really has this thing about weakness.** Why was Trump allowed to visit a swab production plant without a mask? They had to throw away the days production. President does not mean ruler.** Trumpism is that state of having insane racist moron candidates running for offices that they’re completely unqualified for is alive and well. – Molly Jong-Fast

*****

Hurry up Fall so we can see The Trial of the Chicago 7 with Eddie Redmayne, Sasha Baron Cohen, Joseph Gordon- Levitt, Frank Langella, Jeremy Strong, John Carroll Lynch, Yahya Abdul- Mateen II, Mark Rylance and Michael Keaton.

*****

HBO Max has pulled Gone with the Wind and sales skyrocketed. Hattie McDaniel won an Oscar but was seated separately at the event. It is now back with a discussion.

*****

How many broken or new machines or outlets that don’t work do we have to put up with before we strictly go to PAPER ballots?? I get so tired of writing this. I am all for states running their elections but this is ridiculous. In the elections that I have worked, the only real problems were with machines!!!!!!!!!!

*****

Planet of the Humans was banned for a time it now it is back. Don’t they get that it only makes people want to see it more?

*****

The DOJ filed a civil action against Bolton to stop his book but it did not work,  It is chock full of info that would have come in handy months ago.** This whole administration is one big reality show, move in, move on and make $ out of it. They have no shame!

*****

No one is ever a victim, although your conquerors would have you believe in your own victimhood. How else could they conquer you? –Barbara Marciniak

*****

R.I.P. more Covid victims, Bonnie Pointer, Christo, Joanne Lara, Robert Fuller, Michael Daly, Rayshard Brooks, Victoria Sims, Oluwatoyin Salau, Sirlan Holm, Jean Kennedy Smith, Dame Vera Lynn,  Keith Blocker, Mary J. Wilson, Joel Schumacher, Steve Bing, Mexico city earthquake victims,  covid victims, Stuart Cornfeld, Lucius J. Barker and Carl Reiner.

[merlinficreview]

The Student Prince: Chapter 1-5 Review!

Sorry it’s been 84 years since Romeo or I have posted anything. Romeo is back to school for the semester so her time is limited and work has been really draining on me recently. Never fear, we are still here though and I’ve got a review!

The Student Prince by FayJay

Word Count: 145222

Ok guys, this is it. The infamous Student Prince fic. I have read this one before and I liked it because it seems to be the closest fic I’ve found to a modernized version of the BBC show. Plus, as I’ve already said before, I am a sucker for Modern Royalty AUs. This fic also takes place at the University of St. Andrews, which I know nothing about. So google will be my trusty friend throughout this review.

Here we go!

Chapter 1

We begin with Merlin getting hit in the face with some luggage and falling onto some poor elderly lady. Merlin has to maintain an extra sense of control when objects are flying towards his face because he has magic and doesn’t want to out himself. Yay Modern Day Magic Fic!

So it turns out the luggage situation was someone else’s fault. “She glanced from Merlin to the lady and then back again, her face the picture of mortification, and Merlin – who had been feeling a little disgruntled about the whole unexpected-rain-of-luggage scenario – took one look at her huge brown eyes and immediately wanted to reassure her that he had thoroughly enjoyed being knocked half unconscious.” Haha, aww.

The luggage canon introduces herself as Gwen. Yay, Gwen! She is studying engineering at St. Andrews. I think it’s weird that Gwen already has all her textbooks. Have they already signed up for their classes? How would she know what to buy?

Gwen tells Merlin she also has a hammer in her bag. "’Of course there is,’ nodded Merlin, gravely. ‘Who travels without a hammer in their luggage these days? One never knows when a spot of joinery might be in order.’ The corner of his mouth twitched. ‘Stop!’ he said, raising one hand in front of him. Gwen blinked, and after a beat Merlin added: ‘Hammer Time! Dooo doodoodoo! Doodoo! Doo! Hammer Time!’ as he improvised a quick, and truly terrible, attempt at the Hammer Dance in the cramped confines of the aisle.’”

Oh my God. How embarrassing. Stop it, Merlin. Then Gwen tells Merlin that she makes her own jewelry and Merlin is super impressed. Merlin even does the dance a second time and I want to crawl in a hole and die from secondhand embarrassment. Merlin, you JUST met Gwen. Calm yourself.

“’Hey, it's not really Merlin, is it?’ Gwen asked, looking at him sidelong. ‘I mean – really really? You're pulling my leg, right? I mean – nobody's called Merlin. Why would any woman name her baby after an old man with a long white beard and a pointy hat? It's like calling your baby Gandalf.’” This is the second time Gwen has awkwardly expressed disbelief about Merlin’s name. Stop being weirdly obsessed with his name, Gwen. How fucking rude. Poor Merlin. Getting assaulted by luggage and then getting his name made fun of. Good start to college, Merlin. Good start.

Then Gwen points out that Prince Arthur is also going to be attending St. Andrews and she says Merlin and Arthur will become besties. Merlin points out that her name is Guinevere and that she’ll be future queen.

"’That isn't why I applied there,’ she insisted. ‘I mean, I know that there must be thousands of girls who filled in their UCAS forms with St Andrews just because they're living some kind of stupid “Princess Diaries” fantasy and they think they're going to meet him and he'll fall for them and they'll end up with a tiara and a load of corgis, but I'm serious about my career. St Andrews has an excellent engineering department. I was going to apply there long before I heard that's where Arthur was going.’”

But that’s not the plot of The Princess Diaries at all?

I also have the St. Andrews website pulled up because like I said, I know nothing about it, or going to school in the UK, to be honest, and it doesn’t even look like St. Andrews has an engineering department. Man, Gwen is going to be pissed when she finds out she spent all her money on textbooks for a degree her school doesn’t offer.

Then Gwen tells us how King Uther met his wife while they were at Oxford once upon a time. "It's such a beautiful story, isn't it? The way they met at Oxford when she borrowed his jar of Gold Blend, not even realising he was the Prince of Wales at first because he was in the middle of shaving and she was distracted by her friend's dog...oh, they were so in love!" Gold Blend is coffee, by the way. I had to google it too. In what situation would a man be shaving his face next to a container of instant coffee while a random dog is nearby? That’s such an odd scene to imagine. Maybe she knocked in his door to borrow the coffee and she had the dog with her? Were there co-ed dormitories back then?

Merlin is just as suspicious about this story as I am and pops Gwen’s bubble, telling her it was most likely PR. I agree.

"Merlin shook his head mutely, and carefully didn't mention any of the books or magazines he might possibly have read about Prince Arthur and his family. Especially not the outrageously hot photoshoot in GQ magazine that he'd been hiding under his bed for the past three months, and frantically jerking off to most nights. Nope, definitely not mentioning that. Gwen rolled her eyes. ‘Uther and Igraine – it's like a modern day Romeo and Juliet!’" First of all, 100% do not mention that to Gwen. Good decision. Second of all, Gwen has a really hard time grasping plots, doesn’t she? No wonder she decided to major in a non-existent department at her university. She’s not a very bright girl.

We then learn that Merlin is planning to major in physics. That is a department at St. Andrews, good job, Merlin! Then Gwen compares their journey to Hogwarts. “He found himself wishing he could explain about Professor Gaius and Doctor Nimueh, and about the kind of text books he had stuffed into the bottom of his rucksack – but that wasn't going to happen. Magic was secret, and secret it should stay. Nobody wanted to go back to the days of witchburnings.” Poor Merlin. It’s always so sad that he has to hide himself. I will also give him a pass for already having magic books because that’s different.

Gwen and Merlin talk a little more about Harry Potter and then go right back to talking about Arthur and how they’ll probably never meet him. Well…

Then Merlin gets real depressing real fast. "Whatever. All those posh interbred types with more rooms than they know what to do with and flocks of sheep wandering around on their enormous ancient estates - that's who he'll be hanging out with. Not with a physics student from a grotty little council estate in Cardiff, or an engineering student – however lovely – who lives above her dad's garage in Wembley. Face it – we don't have our own flocks of sheep." Brutal Honesty Hour! It’s my favorite time of day!

Merlin then shares some chocolate with Gwen and they enjoy the rest of their train ride.

Chapter 2

“The door was open a crack when Merlin reached his room in St Salvator's Hall, and he could hear voices inside, and what sounded rather a lot like The Rolling Stones.” I looked up St. Salvator’s Hall and holy crap those rooms are nice. According to the photos, the rooms are like twice as big as the dorm rooms of the university I went to. I also decided to compare prices, for funsies, and also to sit and cry about how much more ridiculously expensive it is to go to university here than in other countries. The fee for a shared room at St. Salvator’s Hall is £5,837 which includes a meal plan. That’s 6292.55 USD for comparison. At the University that I went to, a shared room with communal bath is 6,795 USD. This does not include a meal plan which could add up to around 800 USD if you pick the one with the most meals. Those rates are also per semester and not for the entire academic year. Now, St. Salvator’s rate does not state whether the fee is per semester or for the whole year but either way, it’s still way more expensive here in the US. It also looks like St. Salvator Hall doesn’t have communal bathrooms like the one located here that I looked up. Yay not affordable education here in the US!

Anyways, Merlin enters the room and his roommate is none other than the Prince of Wales himself, Arthur. Oh my god. I NEVER saw that one coming!

“’Only – I thought – well, I pretty much assumed that you'd be staying over at New Hall. Where they have single rooms. And ensuites with all the mod cons,’ blurted Merlin. ‘Not sharing a room in Sally's. Why are you sharing a room in Sally's?’ Arthur frowned. ‘Because I lost a bet, if you must know. With my father.’ He stared at Merlin, looking puzzled and a touch irritated. ‘You weren't expecting this, then? They didn't get you to sign things – Official Secrets Act, all that?’” I think that’s a fair question Merlin is asking and I also want to know what sort of bet Arthur lost. How fucking awkward that no one alerted Merlin to who his roommate was supposed to be. Don’t they give out roommate names before the semester starts?

So then Arthur gets bitchy that Merlin hasn’t signed a non-disclosure agreement. “Well – sorry if this sounds, you know, rude, but basically if you touch any of my stuff, or take photos of me or my friends, or tape conversations, or sell your story to the press, or – basically, if you act like a dick, right? Well, we're talking Tower of London, pretty much. That's the Cliff Notes version.”

Calm the fuck down, Arthur. Throwing Merlin in the tower for borrowing your history book is way too excessive. So then Merlin asks if he can make a citizen’s arrest if Arthur does any the aforementioned things to Merlin. Good job, Merlin. Arthur is a complete asshole about that, acting like Merlin’s stuff is grosser than the stuff on the bottom on Arthur’s shoes and tells Merlin he will replace anything he ruins with something of “equal value.” "’Like a stick of gum,’ murmured Kay, sniggering.” Yeah, be prepared to really really fucking hate Kay in this. "’I can see why you have to swear people to secrecy, if this is how you act when you're not around a reporter,’ blurted out Merlin, feeling cheated. ‘You really are a massive prat, aren't you? A smug, self-entitled, patronising git.’” Yassssss. You tell him, Merlin.

Arthur and his friends leave and then Merlin goes to find Gaius. We learn a little about the School of Sorcery. This School can be found in every single building on campus, one just has to find the special door with a dragon on it. Merlin finds the door located in his residence hall. Of course the dragon on the door talks to Merlin, "’Young Merlin!’ it said, in a voice like a rusty gate, blinking sulphurous eyes impossibly as it writhed through the wood like an eel in water. ‘Back so soon?’ ‘What?’ Merlin stared at it. ‘I haven't – this is my first time here, Master Dragon.’” So we get a little hint of reincarnation.

Merlin finds Gaius who tries to shoo him away until Merlin gives him his name. Gaius changes his tune after that and tells Merlin he knew his father. The first thing Merlin does is complain about sharing a room with Prince Arthur. He says it will make it too hard to hide his magic. “Gaius blinked at him owlishly. ‘Then I suggest that you learn some discretion, young man, and quickly,’ he said.’” That is such an annoying adult thing to say. What a non-answer. Poor Merlin. Gaius tells Merlin he is supposed to be rooming with Arthur so he can protect him and that wizards have always protected kings and queens. Merlin is unhappy with this news.

Chapter 3

This chapter opens with:

“Hey, Gwen – how's McIntosh Hall?

Brilliant! How's Sallies?

View good, mattress soft, roommate total plonker. Yours?

She seems OK. Sorry you got plonker. Want to meet later & go to Union together?

God, yes please!” It’s written just like that (italics represent direct quotes and bold represents italics within the fic. You know the drill). I assume they are texting.

Anyways: “It was the tail-end of summer, but apparently that meant something rather different on the East coast of Scotland than it did in Wales, and by the time Merlin got to Gwen's Hall of Residence he was wishing he'd brought a coat, rather than just pulling on a black v-neck jumper.” Does Merlin not know how to read a map, or?

Like… I know the UK is small compared to the US but he can’t really be that surprised that the Northern part of the UK is colder than the Southern part. There’s almost 500 miles in between Cardiff and St. Andrews. I’m glad Merlin isn’t majoring in geography.

So Merlin meets up with Gwen outside her residence hall where she has acquired a gentleman caller. It’s probably Lance. Merlin and Gwen hug. “’Hey, you,’ he said into her hair, feeling something in his chest tighten unexpectedly. ‘I missed you.’”

Calm down, Merlin. You’ve known her for thirty seconds and only been away for her for three of those.

Lance is not happy with Merlin’s presence. “’Hi, Lance,’ he said, ducking his head in Lance's general direction. Lance smiled back – or at least, he bared his teeth, which was almost the same thing. Merlin had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing. ‘Hi,’ said Lance reaching out a hand that Merlin rather suspected was going to be bone-crushing. He let go of Gwen and accepted the handshake, and managed not to buckle under the pressure of Lance's Very Manly Indeed deathgrip of macho posturing.” LOL HOW HILARIOUS. Men treating women like objects and prizes to be won. Real knee slapper, that joke.

Gwen tells Merlin that Lance is going to be her Academic Dad and then informs us that there’s only 8 weeks until Raisin Weekend. Thanks, Exposition Gwen! So I also googled this Academic Family business since that’s not a thing we have here. So, basically an Academic Mum and Academic Dad are like mentors for first year students and freshmen are allowed to ask for someone to be their Academic Mother but the Academic Dad has to do the asking to the freshmen. So it makes no sense that Gwen was so shocked about Lance asking her. Whatever. Raisin Weekend is basically just an excuse to drink excessively with your Academic Parents and dress up in costumes that Monday and have shaving cream fights. Typical college nonsense.

“’Well, if I'd known they were giving away hot blokes with every room, I'd definitely have put my name down for McIntosh Hall.’ Lance made a startled noise, and his territorial expression shifted rather quickly into something entirely different and almost maiden auntish as Gwen punched Merlin's arm.” Get it, because Gay Merlin is no longer a threat to Lance chasing after Gwen. No one tell Lance bisexual people exist. I think his head would explode. No, you know what? Someone should tell him. He’s an asshole.

“Lance gave her a slightly sheepish grin. ‘It's okay,’ he said. ‘I'll be your designated driver – I'm not big on the alcohol.’ ‘I don't need a designated driver,’ said Gwen, looking at him sidelong. ‘It's a three minute walk! It would take longer to get a car started than it would to get there!’ ‘Right – well, designated guard dog, then. Or knight in shining armour, or guardian angel, or overprotective Dad – whatever you want to call it. I don't drink, so, you know – I'll make sure you're okay. Promise.’”

Oh my God. Slow your fucking roll and let her do what she wants. She’s not some poor defenseless damsel in distress.

Lance gives off an extreme sense of superiority in this fic. He’s a Buddhist, doesn’t drink, volunteers all over the fucking place as Professional Knight in Shining armor and he’s vegan. “’My Dad disapproves of the veganism,’ he admitted, sheepishly. ‘But it's not so hard, really. It feels good, knowing who I am, and what I want out of life. Being mindful in all things.’” Be more pretentious, Lance. Really, I want to see if you can top all of that.

“Merlin studied Lance, trying not to be too damned obvious about it. He wasn't at all sure if this guy was for real, or if he was playing some kind of elaborate joke, with all this holier-than-thou schtick. There was a disconcerting intensity to the man. Merlin wanted to like him, but he wasn't at all sure what to make of him. He did seem a bit too good to be true.” See, Merlin knows.

Oh and Lance is going to teach Gwen kickboxing. He has classes on Wednesday. Of course he does. Merlin is not into it, especially after meeting one of Lance’s students, Elaine. “Merlin looked at her biceps and swallowed. ‘Yeah – no thanks,’ he said, with a watery grin. ‘I've got a suspicion she'd crush me like a bug.’” Mostly I just included this because I wanted to talk about the phrase, “watery grin.” I see this ALL THE TIME in fanfic and it drives me crazy. What the fuck is a “watery grin?” If your smile is “watery,” swallow your fucking spit. That’s disgusting.

“Gwen bit her lip and glanced up at them. ‘Would you hate me forever if I left you for five minutes?’ she asked. ‘I need the ladies' room. I know I should have gone before we left, but I was caught up talking, and I didn't get around to it. Can you wait for me?’ ‘Until the stars fall from the sky,’ said Lance, bowing with an elaborate flourish that made Gwen roll her eyes.”

I don’t even have a response to this bullshit.

So Gwen goes to the bathroom and Merlin does his, “hurt her and I’ll kill you,” speech to Lance and afterwards they become friends and Lance offers to be Merlin’s Academic Dad.

When Gwen comes back she is absolutely flipping her shit because she saw Arthur. “’ComeOnComeOnComeOnComeOn!’ she said in a singsong voice. ‘You should see him! He's sitting at a table! Drinking a beer!’” Yes, let’s all go and gawk at him like an animal in the zoo. Gwen and Lance are being really annoying so far.

So Merlin tells Gwen that Arthur is his roommate and that he’s an asshole. He then requests that they not go stare at him like total creepers. Gwen is not happy. “He looked at Gwen and sighed. ‘Look, I promise that you'll get to see him again. In fact I'll text you when he's in the room, so you'll know when's a good time to swing by and visit me in Sally's and meet him properly. I'm sure he'd love to pose for a photo with you, and give you his signature, and all that kind of meet'n'greet thing.’” Ok, Merlin. This shit is why Arthur already doesn’t like you. No inviting people over to stalk your roommate and make promises on his behalf. Stop it.

They all go dance and Merlin makes a fool of himself doing the hammer dance, covered in glitter, wearing DIY hammer dance pants (I don’t know) that he got from… somewhere. Arthur stares at him and Merlin falls off the stage.

Chapter 4

Merlin wonders how many other sorcerers are at St. Andrews and we learn that he is there on scholarship. Must be nice. My poor loan debt ass is going to be paying for the two years I spent in nursing school for like ten years. Cheers.

Merlin hears Gwen laughing, “He spotted her over on the other side of the room, in front of a table advertising the St Andrews Fencing Society.” Gwen? Fencing? I mean, I guess. Why not? She’ll have a lot of time on her hands when she realizes the major she’s chosen doesn’t exist at that school. Gwen is with her roommate, Sophia.

“With that thought in mind, he marched purposefully over to the rainbow-festooned table advertising the St Andrews LGBT Society in cheery glittering letters. ‘Sign me up,’ he said, firmly, grinning at a bald girl with enough silver in her various cavities to sink a small ship. ‘I'm a card-carrying friend of Dorothy, and I'm gagging for a shag.’” What a colorful way to introduce yourself, Merlin.

Merlin stops in the middle of registering for his LGBT club to fantasize about Arthur. As you do.  “’Oh, marvellous,’ said a faintly familiar voice behind him, rippling with laughter. ‘Oh, that's just perfect. Does Arthur know yet?’” The person is Morgana, “’Er...?’ he said, trying to think where he knew her from. ‘Sorry, are you talking to me?’ ‘He doesn't, does he? There'd have been even more bitching and whining if he did,’ she said, decisively. ‘Oh, this is going to be good.’” Get it? Because Arthur’s homophobia is such a hilarious joke and it’s going to be SO LAUGHABLE when he finds out his roommate is gay.

Merlin goes out for coffee with Morgana, who I do like in this fic minus her laughing at Merlin’s sexual orientation in the previous scene. Morgana asks Merlin if he is in to Arthur. “He's an insufferable, rude, arrogant, overprivileged berk, and I wouldn't suck his cock if he was the last man on earth and he was paying me, so there!” Me thinks the man doth protest too much.

“Fine. We won't talk about how much you want to get into my cousin's royal boxer shorts. So – magic!” Morgana gives no fucks. I like that about her. Merlin freaks out because you can’t just go talking about magic all willy nilly like that. Merlin insists on calling magic “macramé,” but Morgana is having none of it. They decided that their cover story for being so familiar with one another is that they have played World of Warcraft for years and are finally meeting in person. Sure. We also learn that Morgana is studying Art History. Good job, Morgana. That is also a subject that St. Andrews provides.

“’Now then – word on the street is that you might actually be worthy of that remarkable name.’ She took a long, thoughtful drag, and Merlin watched blue curls of smoke snake out of her nostrils like she was some kind of very small, elegant dragon. ‘Is it true that you changed the seasons?’ she asked. ‘No!’ Merlin said. ‘Or at least – well, not on purpose.’” Yikes, Merlin. I guess Merlin was 10 and throwing a tantrum about cherries not being in season so he changed the season from winter to summer. He also summoned a kracken when he was 12 years old on a school field trip. Poor Hunith having to deal with Merlin. He sounds like an insufferable child.

They then proceed to get drunk and Morgana becomes Merlin’s Academic Mother thingy. Merlin gets Morgana to be Gwen’s as well.

Chapter 5

Merlin gets back to his dorm and Arthur is there. Arthur apologizes to Merlin and suggests they start over. Arthur then realizes that Merlin is drunk. Merlin drunkenly tells Arthur that he is friends with Morgana and they were drinking together and that she is now Merlin’s Academic Mother. Turns out she is also Arthur’s. Who didn’t see that one coming? Arthur admits that he looked Merlin up and knows a lot of stuff about him. Merlin says stuff he shouldn’t say, basically admitting he is a sorcerer and he finds Arthur hot and Arthur doesn’t pick up on any of it. Arthur is stupid.

Merlin starts to fall asleep on the floor and Arthur can’t have that, for platonic friend reasons, and so he gets Merlin into bed and decides to help him drink water and take some pain killers. “There was an uncertain space of time, and then Merlin was being manhandled upright by someone warm and shirtless, who smelled good. Merlin knew he smelled good because he was slumped bonelessly with his nose pressed into the hollow of a freshly-washed collarbone. Because it seemed like a good idea, he licked it, and made a small appreciative sound, and then tried a gentle bite. The owner of the collarbone gave a startled hiss, and flinched away, but didn't drop him; and the voice, when it came again, was decidedly hoarse.”

See, Arthur is fucking stupid. If a friend/someone I wasn’t into randomly bit and licked my chest, drunk or not, I would be like, “yo, that’s not cool.” Because that’s not something someone does with their platonic friend.

When Merlin wakes up, “Another thought wandered idly through his brain, and he was faintly aware that it was significant: he wasn't alone. He was, in fact, wrapped around somebody else in the manner of an affectionate baby octopus, one leg tangled between theirs, one arm hooked firmly around a neat naked waist and his mouth pressed damply into the warm, soft-sharp curve of a shoulder blade.” Arthur is awake too, “Do you have any idea of how much fun and frivolity I could have been having last night, while you were busy cutting off the circulation in my limbs? I'll have you know I was going to have a fantastic evening.”

Umm… you made the choice to stay behind and spend the night cuddling your roommate, Arthur. You could have shoved him over if you wanted to.

Merlin and Arthur go get breakfast together. Merlin texts Gwen to tell her about Morgana being their Academic Mother and that she is also Arthur’s. Gwen freaks the fuck out.

That’s it for this review. It’s a decent set-up to the fic. We get to know a little bit about Merlin and how powerful he is. We also have a rough start to the Arthur/Merlin friendship but then it’s nice to see Arthur actually own up to his shit and apologize to Merlin. Arthur is stupid for not realizing how into him Merlin is. Gwen and Lance have been pretty annoying so far and if I remember correctly, they continue to be insufferable for the majority of this fic because their “will they won’t they” cliché set-up is stupid.

Until next time