#blease....i need t

[madame-mongoose]

his ass does not even need that

I SCREAMED OUT LOUD SEEIN G THIS AGAIN FUCK YOUUUUUU

[soapyghost]

i need to give könig a smooch RIGHT NOW or i will DIE. he deserves THE WORLD. i need to HOLD HIM and SMOOCH HIS FOREHEAD and TELL HIM HE IS LOVED (may i have könig x gender neutral reader fluff blease??? i just know that he is so sweet and so adorable. he is my sweet cheese, my babygirl and there is so little content for him)

ABSOLUTELY! König makes my whole life better. UGH I love him.

Pure fluff coming up-

It’s been a week since you found that crumpled note under your pillow. You could tell instantly by the terrible, yet somewhat cute, handwriting that it was Königs penmanship.

Will you go to the mall with me on Saturday to buy me civvy clothes?

-König

The sound of your blood rushes to your ears. Is this him asking you on a date? Or was this just an invitation because he was to nervous to go on his own? Your heart flutters at the thought of walking around the mall with König by your side. You fold the note and tuck it safely into your breast pocket, smiling to yourself.

Saturday seems to take eons. You’re mind wanders during every meeting and debrief. The only thing in your mind during every moment of every day is your date with König. When Saturday finally rolls around you can’t get to the parking lot fast enough to meet him. You see him far before he sees you, and you’re surprised that he isn’t in his mask. Instead opting for a black baseball cap and a surgical mask, which with the ongoing pandemic made it look normal. His clothes on the other hand look liked they had been picked out of the trash from a Goodwill. His cargo pants were much too large and his black t-shirt was way too small, but it did show off his muscles.

“Hey big guy! You ready?” You shout to him across the parking lot. The sound of your voice puts him at ease almost immediately. His eyes light up and he rushes over to you. He’s different with you, softer, which you would never expect from a 6’9” German man. “You all ready to go?” He asks with such excitement he can barely contain himself. The entire ride to the mall you and König don’t stop talking, laughing and singing terribly to the songs on the radio.

But the moment you two step out of the car he freezes, car door still open. You can see the terror in his face as he sees the people lingering outside the mall. You rush over to the other side and put an arm on his bicep, “hey hey. It’s ok. I’m right here” you whisper as you look into his eyes. “It’s gonna be ok, I promise.” You grab onto his hand and that finally softens him. He comes back to you and to earth. “Ok. I believe you” he murmurs, looking back into your eyes and squeezes your hand.

As the two of you walk through the sliding glass doors into the noisy mall you can feel Königs grip tighten on yours. People begin to turn and see this hulking giant of a man and whisper to each other. You know König has some pretty severe anxiety, “hey. Anytime you need to leave we can leave” you say. He simply shakes his head, “No. I want to do this. With you” he whispers, eyes sinking to the floor. You cup his chin and raise his eyes back to yours “I want to do this with you too” you smile, “how about this, anytime you feel anxious you squeeze my hand and we’ll stop whatever it is we’re doing and I’ll tell you a joke?” “I don’t want to hurt you” he replies, gesturing at how his hand dwarfs yours. “Dont worry about it big guy, I can handle it”

You make your way through the stores, laughing at the outfits he tries to pick out for himself. König may be one of the best soldiers out there but he has the fashion sense of a dead snail. You help him choose some basic clothes, jeans, T-shirts that actually fit, and a new pair of sneakers. Surprisingly, he only squeezes your hand a few times the whole time you’re in the mall with him. You’re so proud. Once your shopping trip is over you take him to the food court to treat him to a soft pretzel and some boba.

As he bites into the pretzel his face twists into disgust. “This is your idea of a pretzel?” He mutters, spitting it out into a napkin. You can help but burst out laughing at the look of horror on his face. “Mother would be so dissapointed in this… abomination”. “Oh I am so sorry our food does not live up to your expectations my King” you retort. He laughs. A big hearty laugh you only hear when you’re alone, never ever in public. He takes a sip of the boba tea, fully expecting to hate it, but it takes him by surprise how much he loves it. “We should get this back on base” he says inbetween sips. “Indeed” you agree, seeing him so happy and worry free stirs something inside you. You want him to feel like this every day, all day. You promise yourself then and there that you would do everything possible to make sure that becomes reality. “I really had a great time today, König. Thank you for taking me” you declare.

“I would like to take you on more dates in the future” he responds. Eyes full of hope that you will agree.

“Nothing in this world would make me happier.” You smile, taking his hand in both of yours.

[shinxit]

Behind the windshield (fic)

Pre-warning: This is just really really shameless porn.

Warning: Contagion, Explicit sexual themes, Sneeze fetish, excessive body fluids, sex work

Summary: Sasha is a van-life man with a cold kink, and runs into a very sick and beautiful sex worker for whom he has some requests.

Van life can be picturesque when you’re on parked on a hilltop sipping hot cacao sitting on the back of your hatch watching the sun puncture its yolk beyond the redwood tops and sink into the dark broth of the ocean. At the same time, it can also be drudgery. For Sasha, finding a new spot to part on the at 3am on a Tuesday every time street cleaning comes around was the bane of his existence. A close second was the existential crisis of people trying to peek into his tinted windows, not knowing if this was going to be a smash-and-grab-my-ankle situation. And the cold, don’t even start. It was a hell of a time heating the van even in temperate winters. Life is a lot harder when it’s 50F inside and out.

It was on one of these particularly chilly mornings that Sasha met Jan. Or technically, he heard her first. ATSSSCHH! SSSSSTHCHHKKK! Sneezes like sonic arrows shook the sedan parked in front of Sasha’s, waking him from his slumber. It was that time of day when the birds were stretching their wings but not yet started to sing and the air was draped in a dusty blue haze. Thankfully Sasha was an early riser and didn’t really mind the unconventional alarm. After changing into his joggers and workout tee, Sasha slid open his van door to breathe in the fog and get his morning run in.

When… uu—CHTSCHOO! KTSCHHH! atzCKHOOO! The purple accord shook once more, this time Sasha could see the wind shield misting with each barrage. Then the rusty door swung out, followed by a pink baby stiletto heel stepped out, and then the head of a beautiful platinum blonde which contrasted magnificently with a fiery nose and deep chestnut eyes that Sasha only caught a glimpse of before they closed in -AKTscheeew! The jet of spray left the woman’s mouth and lunged forward at least three feet before dissipating into the drifting fogs. She then blew her nose forcefully, expelling a long string of yellow-green snot for which she leaned over the ground to pitch off at her abused nostrils with her fingers and flick onto the ground. Sasha took a deep breath.

She was irresistible. As she leaned her head back, holding the bridge of her nose and sniffled, Sasha could hear the gurgling congestion in her sinuses from several feet away. Her flaming nose drew Sasha like a moth, and before he could really register what was happening, he was standing in front of her, watching in awe as she desperately tried to hold back the next round and thick discharge escaped from her nostrils.

“Ugh…” she moaned. “mbuck.”

“Fuck is right,” Sasha said. “That’s quite a cold you’ve got there. Need a tissue? I’ve got some extra lying around in my van.”

S-sniff. “Yes blease” she responded in an impossibly stuffed up voice. It wasn’t until Sasha had gotten this close that he noticed how the early middle-aged blonde was dressed—in a hot pink bikini bottom with the string tightly wedged between her cheeks showing off her well-cared-for glutes. On top she sported a matching string bikini top covering a pair of breasts that must have been the nature plus package. Across her shoulders draped a pink tweed cropped blazer which felt somehow perfect to round off all that was going on here.

“I’b Jad by the way. Dis is by corder today.” She extended a damp hand, which Sasha grasped to pull her out of the car onto her feet.

“Sasha. I’m from here and there.”

“Dice to beet you Sasha. Welcob to the deighborhood.” She drew her finger under her nose, wiping a streak of liquid yellow onto her index finger. “Umb… could I get those tissues? By last cliedt had a dasty cold, ad I think I’b cobing dowd wit it dow.”

“Sure thing. Wanna come into the van and warm up?”

Jan nodded, wiping her nose once again, this time leaving a snail trail across the arm of her blazer. Sasha helped Jan into the cozy back of the sprinter van, and both of them had to crouch to get to the bed/sofa in the back where Sasha joined the very sick girlie after fishing out his box of puffs from behind the pans. Jan took the box with a look of gratitude, and immediately soaked one through with the toxic sludge pouring out of her nose. When she looked up, Sasha had already handed her a steaming hot cacao to replace the dirty tissue which was relegated to a corner of the kitchen counter. He then attentively took her temperature with an axillary thermometer: 99.9F. A low temp, but no fever… yet. It sounded like she was still early in her illness, and Sasha couldn’t rule out that it could evolve.

Now you should know that inviting a literal walking neon sign for a contagious illness into such a tight and unventilated space, and then enclose oneself inside with said person was entirely intentional on Sasha’s part. There was always something titillating about the risk of illness, or even intentionally taking a stuffy sneezy cold from someone. The only thing hotter than that, would be someone forcing a cold on him.

“No client’s today?” Ask Sasha.

“Do….”uuuutschooooOO! Jan turned away, spraying Sasha’s duvet. Snifff. “I doubt sobeode id their right mide would wadt to pay for this.”

“Mmmm I beg to differ. ”

Jan looked Sasha up and down, from his modern mullet to his well-toned shoulders, to his stained gap hoodie and Kirkland joggers. He could only imagine what was going through her mind. Maybe she was disturbed? Attracted? Sizing him up for the size of his wallet?

“You should dkow I dod’t cobe cheap.”

“I would never imagine that to be the case for a women as beautiful as you. But I do have a special request. I want you to give me your cold.”

Jan seemed to pause for a moment before she burst out laughing which devolved into a coughing fit and ended with her blowing her nose once more, adding to the growing pile of yellow snow on the kitchen counter.

“Dat’s already goidg to happed, but if you idsist…” Jan turned to straddle Sasha’s lap before whispering a price into his ear that he readily agreed to.

Now in her element, Sasha shed her blazer, revealing her reality+ chest that bounced and heaved with each breath. She then took her blazer and tied Sasha’s hands behind his back, leaving him helpless to stop her ministrations. She then sneezed, spraying directly onto her chest, and pressed Sasha’s face in the damp crevice. Sasha happily lapped up the fat beaded virus-laden droplets.

Then, Jan grabbed the thermometer left on the counter from earlier and used the shiny tapered tip to ticker her nostrils until… AAAATHSCHOOO! No hold backs, hot spray hit Sasha directly in the face before he could even manage to close his eye. A remnant string of snot hung from Jan’s face, which Sasha wiped away with a finger and cleaned up with a lick.

“You a sicko” croaked Jan.

“No you” Sasha quipped, smiling.

“Not ONLY me for long.” Jan once again grabbed the thermometer now covered with a layer of virile green slime and used to rub around Sasha’s own nostrils. First teasing in little circles the edges of his well-shaped nose, leaving little snail trails on his face. Then she brought the thermometer back to her own nose and blew, positively drowning the plastic rod in a thick contagious gel that she then plunged deep into Sasha’s nose, using her fingers to help wipe off the excess and press it into his crevices. This thermometer was so deep, that it triggered something in Sasha, leading him to sneeze ATSCHOOO! Spraying green chunks across Jan’s chest and bikini top.

“Bad boy” Jan scolded. “It’s dot your turd yet. Patiedce”

Jan then held her raw red nose millimeters from Sasha’s own. He could feel her hot infectious breath hitting his face as he tried to inhale as much as he could.

“Tell be wat you wadt.”

“You…” Sasha panted.

“I’b goidg to bake you so sick. You’re goidg to regret this. Toborrow, you’re goidg to wake up dot beidg able to breathe through your dose, ad you’re going to blow and blow so buch that your dose will be as red ad bine.”

Jan then went ahead and slammed her lips on his, sharing the saliva that flowed from beyond her raw red throat into his uninfected mucosa. Her nose continued to run. And as she pinned Sasha down, gravity brought the dangerous golden fluid flowing from her abused nostrils into his. Meanwhile, their tongues found each other and danced deep in each other’s mouths, her virus-laden saliva tickling Sasha’s uvula, and his prodding at her swollen tonsils. They spent the rest of the morning, making out and exchanging fluids, but never made it past second base. Unfortunately, Sasha’s budget didn’t stretch that far.

By the time lunchtime hit, they bid their goodbyes. Jan went back to her sedan and drove home, wherever she stayed, calling the rest of the day a wash after her payday courtesy of Sasha. Meanwhile, Sasha, dealt with the Yukon gold rush Jan had left piled up on his counter. He went through each tissue, unfolding and marveling at each unique green Rorschach. He pressed particularly wet spots into his nose, and inhaled deeply, imagining the generous innocuous in his nostrils and throat infecting his cells and multiplying and reminiscing how this dangerous fluid shared by a beautiful woman doomed him to an ill fate.

[blackbutler-readerinsertsandjunk]

i absolutely have to request this if nobody else has already but kiss to shut them up with peter blease-

this is perfectttttt best way to shut a man up 10/10 XD

↪     𝑲𝑰𝑺𝑺  ﹠ ᵀᴱᴸᴸ .

kissing them to shut them up .

You truly don’t think your lover has any real idea of when, or how, to be quiet. (It’s like the rest of him is small, so he feels the need to prove that something about him is big, and the something he’s chosen is apparently his mouth.)

Part of you doesn’t blame him. Part of you thinks you’re reaching the point where you want to smack PETER rather than listen to him continuing to spout off whatever drivel comes to his mind.

“Oi, y’ listenin’ t’ me, precious?” Ah, yes. His one redeeming quality: the fact that, actually, he does love you quite deeply. If nothing else, he likes to use that big mouth of his to remind you of that fact with copious nicknames. Of course, when you glance over, he looks irritated by the assumption that you’ve begun to tune him out. He’s pretty much just complaining. So. Pros and cons.

You give him a nod, leaning back on the bed. You might as well let him get it all out before the two of you drift off to sleep. “I’m listening, darling. You were saying… one of the newbies talked back to you, or something?”

“’R somethin’!” he huffs. “Stupid moron questioned me when I told ‘im t’ go practice with Dagger instead’a me! I mean, this bloody fool didn’t ‘ave ‘alf the balance ‘n’ shite y’ need t’ get up on the trapeze. ‘N’ I’m s’posed t’ let ‘im up there, jus’ so ‘e could drop me ‘n’ Wendy on our ‘eads? Ain’t ‘appenin’! Let ‘im throw a fuckin’ knife at someone instead.”

Idly, you wonder if he thinks he ought to have cleared something like that with Joker. He’s the ringleader and assigns people to their tasks, right? You love Peter just as deeply as he loves you, but his penchant for barking orders is going to get him in trouble one day.

As if it already hasn’t? you think with a chuckle.

All the things streaming out of Peter’s mouth are of little consequence in the long run. He’s easily annoyed, and you’re sure the newbie will be replaced within a month if it turns out he can’t deal with your lover shooing him off. You consider suggesting that the poor lad might just really want to learn the trapeze. Passion counts for something, doesn’t it?

Oh. There’s an idea.

You lean over and, mid-sentence, silence Peter by pressing your lips to his. He squirms around a little, seemingly more out of confusion than because he doesn’t want to be kissed. After a few seconds, when you part, he lets out a soft grunt. “Oi, the fuck did y’ do that for?” A small laugh is puffed out his nose. “I was talkin’.”

“I know.” You give him another kiss, and this time he leans into it since he knows it was coming. Your arm slips down to twine around his waist. “You’re talking about all the things which irritate you. I thought perhaps you’d like a more pleasant distraction from it all.”

He doesn’t have to know that’s a bit of a half-truth, does he? ‘Pleasant distraction from irritating thoughts’ and ‘shutting Peter up’ are both noble causes to use a kiss for.

[tallymali]

blease i am so gently confused, is there a joke behind censoring c*rp*t or is the joke that u hate it with the fury of a thousand suns ? any response is valid i am totally smitten with u so no matter what u post i’m always like “wowwwww she’s so dreamy 🥰”

BABE I NEED YOU TO KNOW THAT U ARE THE CUTEST PERSON EVER AND THIS MADE ME GIGGLE ILYSM 🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷

[frodo-with-glasses]

In case you haven't done these yet (too pressed for time to check): Legolas and Gimli - 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Is that too many? ^^' Legolas and Gimli are my second-favorite bromance in LotR (first being Sam and Frodo) <3

Not at all too many! Timely, too, since we're finally at a part of the book where we're spending some more time with these boys.

Also, you have excellent taste in bromances. Not that there aren’t an abundance of great ones to choose from. ;-) Let's go!

2. “My favorite scene of them”

Oof, that's tough. I'm not done rereading the book yet, but so far, I think my favorite scene including them is that part where they find Merry and Pippin sitting on the wreckage of Isengard. That scene started me giggling madly at the book and just made me laugh harder the more it went on X'-D The contrast between Gimli's Mom Energy and Legolas the Booze Hound is PEAK.

But if I had to go with a scene that focuses on Leggy and Gim-Gim specifically; definitely that part where they reunite after the Battle of Helm's Deep. That's the moment when I finally felt, "ah, yes; these two are for sure buddies now :-3"

(Honorable mention goes to this doodle of their meeting with Treebeard, which is specifically my favorite piece of art that I've made of these two.)

3. “A random headcanon I have of them”

This is kinda silly, but I think Gimli scolded Legolas for walking quietly and startling him so often that Legolas started deliberately making noise when he walked, so as to be less unnerving. Meanwhile, Legolas teased Gimli about his heavy stompy boots so often that Gimli started to walk quieter on purpose, just to spite him.

Between them, they have managed to reach an equilibrium of footstep volume that does not fall to either extreme and very nearly reaches the normal walking noise of the average Man. (Aragorn secretly thinks this is very funny.)

4. “My favorite thing about them”

Eh, the obvious thing, probably: They're members of incredibly different cultures which have been at odds with each other for generations, and yet they manage to not only put aside those differences for the sake of friendship, but USE those differences to make said friendship stronger. It's a lovely picture of harmony, but not homogeneity; of understanding, not uniformity. And I love it. :-D

5. “A scene I wish we had of them”

Nnnnng give me the pART WHERE THEY LAND IN VALINOR OR GIVE ME D E A T H

6. “A scene with them that I want to rewrite/change in some way”

Hm. I can't think of any particular scene I'd want to change, but I'll echo the opinion of many other people and agree that Movie!Legolas could have benefitted from at least a little bit of his sassy humor from the books. Blease, they gave the poor man so few lines that Orlando Bloom resorted to acting with just his face every time they stuck him in the background. The first person to build a time machine needs to go back 20 years and add some jokes to Legolas' script, 'cause he deserves to be a sassy little turdnugget.

FRIENDSHIP ASK GAME!

[starseverance]

💭 I'm intrigued to see how you'd answer this

I'm also intrigued to see how I'll answer it. Thank you for the ask! I will go ahead and answer this one for my self ship with💫!

💭 What arguments would you use to persuade someone to ship the ship you're discussing?

I'd begin with the fact that it's a versatile ship that has changed a lot over time, seeing as I've self shipped with 💫 for ❤️exactly two years as of today❤️.

It started out as a very idealized and dramatic self-insert sort of thing; it even had a really intricate plot that I made a whole spreadsheet for. I had a lot of passion for both 💫 and the story that I and a friend had created around our relationship. Not only that, but I find that my S/I fit in fairly well with the plot of the media (maybe I'm biased,) without taking over too much of the story. I still reference this part of my self ship today even though 💫 and I aren't together like that anymore. As far as I'm concerned, we broke up, but we ARE married. Sometimes I can barely tolerate him and WE WILL be keeping the baby names for the children that we WILL NOT be having.

I won't get into the details of the disillusionment and crashing and burning of our relationship (although the asker is actually my IRL who had a front row seat to that dumpsterfire,) but now there is something equally interesting to the original idea. By that, I mean the present:

Ex-partners that live together in a very queerplatonic way.

Friends that are still kind of codependent awkwardly navigating their relationship.

Will we get back together again? It happened once! (for a month)

Are there feelings? Maybe. Is there confusion? Oh yes.

At what point do we accept that we've grown apart?

Coming to love one another for who we are, as opposed to idealized versions of ourselves.

Maybe even learning to love ourselves?

Big maybe on the last one.

It's messy and it's raw; it's not speaking all day only to cuddle at night, and it's wondering if the only thing keeping us together is a fear of letting go. But it's also our first date eating a cake in my backyard that I baked for him, and it's inside jokes and throwing things at each other and feeling safe together. It's human, that's what it is. Two people just trying to get through life and death, learning about themselves and what they need.

Might not be to everyone's taste, but it's a bittersweet sort of ship that makes one notice the small things in life. ❤️

Well reader, do you ship it?

Tysm again for the ask! This was a very fun one! For anyone who would like to send me MOARMOARMOAR(blease), the ask link:

[tabiswife]

*me standing out side the YG building in my jekki t shirt yelling to yg in my very country accent* SECHSKIES HAS A SHIT TON OF I-YELKIES GIVE THEM A WORLD TOUR YOU SON OF A BITCH

[portokali]

there is. definitely a lot to be said about the merits of having the ability to turn off Shipper Brain Mode and enjoy a story without ever demanding a ship be canon or even shipping any of the characters. however there is something about a hint or a promise of romance in works that aren’t explicitly romantic that makes them somehow more tantalizing and interesting. anyway this post is about james and erin derrygirls where i had 0 expectations of their feelings ever being confirmed and simply entertained the idea of them as a what-if-james-likes-erin-lol on a completely different tab that was left open in my brain but when it Was confirmed in s3 and the way it was left unfulfilled but all the same promised absolutely has done numbers to my brain chemistry like the small and tender crushes of two kids living ordinary lives under extraordinary circumstances. something about that yeah.

[twerkyvulture]

can't sleep. thinking about the fucking sideburns i deserve

[zrllosyn-art]

More Verito and food! Drawing food that actually looks semi edible is surprisingly hard (esp when all the meats are like, green)

(also credit where credit is due, I was insipred by tickfleato‘s post and also half-rose‘s Art! Its both VERY cool and made me want to try my own take on food)

[liathgray]

☕️ FMA/ATLA crossover also ☕️ Kittens!

I’ve been really vibing with the crossover art I’ve seen popping up though I probably wouldn’t read a fic for it. It seems like more of a cute novelty, ya know?

Kittens. I love kittens. Here’s my little rat who passed out on my leg (and now I can’t move)

[vindictar]

A TL;DR ON MY BOY NEIL JOSTEN FOR PEOPLE UNFAMILIAR WITH HIM BECAUSE THE FANDOM IS SMALL

neil isn't his real name

his father is a mobster / serial killer based out of baltimore known as the butcher because of his preferred murder weapon of a cleaver

his mother is from a british crime family and his parents marriage was a political one

neil's father was horrifically sadistic and abusive to both neil and his mother and neil was raised to be his "heir"

when neil was 12 his mother took him and 3 million dollars from his father and ran

neil lived all over the world under different names and identities with his mother while they evaded his father

neil's mother died protecting him when he was 18 and he has been on his own ever since

[mooonstruckarchived]

v long sigh

[hyyrulicn]

// y’all ever just,,,,watch old botw trailers bc fuck they’re just so pretty then the music goes off and you get all emotional from it then remember that you’re gonna get more of all that with the sequel and you get the urge to cry bc f u ck-

[edgepunk]

ya'll go on about Iron Dad but we all know Scott would be a much better father figure to Peter, he'd bring Cassie to play along with them and they'd all have fun