#bulimia banquet

[gotankgo]

1988 - Chicago

die kreuzen + Bad Religion + Bulimia Banquet + L7

[hyggehooligan]

Last night my wife and I attended her highschool athletic association hall of fame banquet where she was being inducted as an honoree. A very big deal as she had a very serious career as a high school athlete which continued through college and after up even until today (she is actually out playing flag football this morning!) I am so proud of her and I know how much this means to her so I'm happy she is getting recognition.

But I am trying to process my own emotions surrounding this event and sporting culture in general, as a person who used to be athletic and active and now is disabled due to chronic physical and mental illness. It's a tough spot to be in but it's made much harder by the fact that our culture elevates sporting and being active and outdoorsy activities while either ignoring people with disabilities or outright blaming them for their mobility issues. My wife has always been very supportive of me but I don't think she always gets why I feel so vulnerable and out of place in "sports culture" events and groups. I think she thinks I can just come along for fun but it's wrapped up in so much garbage for me that even just spectating is really difficult.

Last night was tough enough because I don't particularly enjoy fancy affairs where you schmooze with strangers and especially was not looking forward to being likely the only queer people there but the sports thing just made things extra hard. That's all everyone talked about. And I get that it's so important! I remember those days too. It's just hard because I feel it was taken away from me. It makes me feel jealous, resentful, frustrated, and bored and all of those are ugly feelings and I don't like it.

I have met some of my wife's sportier friends in the past and they will shake my hand and look at me and my body and say things like "wow you should play hockey/football/basketball/handball." Should I play sports? Should I move my body for fun? Should I wake up every day and use my body in the way it was designed and not be crippled by pain? One time someone said to me "if I had your size I would dominate on the rugby pitch." If you had MY SIZE???? Let me tell you that as a person about 20 years into recovering from bulimia this is absolutely not the kind of shit I want to hear.

Last night someone saw my cane and asked (jokingly, I think?) if it was a sports injury. Nope, I'm disabled. Oh. Another person asked if I had attended this highschool, I said that no I had attended another highschool in the area; they asked if I did sports there, I said I did synchronized swimming until college. "Oh why didn't you continue?" Well jesus not that it's any of your business but that's when I became disabled, actually.

I have not figured out a way to gracefully navigate these situations while still respecting my own boundaries and privacy. They shouldn't be asking these questions but it wasn't too out of place considering the situation either. I just wish I knew what to say. It's hard because I'm still processing how I feel about my body and my limitations and I don't even really like talking about it with my doctors or my therapist, all of whom are awesome, or my friends, who are also awesome, so why would I want to talk about it with this random person? And I'm so mad that all of this got ripped open last night and I felt so vulnerable and upset and it's still getting to me today.

[4stride]

Polvo de Huesos

Desde las profundidades de mis recuerdos, emerge uno que siempre retorna, marcando su presencia con ferocidad. Mis huesos anhelan el roce de la brisa, desnudos bajo la piel que no podía desafiar al frío. Temblar se convirtió en mi danza cotidiana, desafiando al sol que arrojaba sus rayos como lanzas de luz.

Me transformé en una calculadora, cifrando los números que solo me alejarían de mi objetivo, que me desvanecerían en la penumbra. Fui una peste, una sombra que no solo me despojó de peso, sino que también me encegueció con promesas efímeras. Ana y Mia, dos princesas que anhelaban ver a sus siervos sucumbir entre huesos y sombras de calorías vacías.

Fue un largo camino convertir todo lo que fui en un simple recuerdo, un eco que solo resonaba en la memoria de aquellos que un día me conocieron. De mí apenas quedaba más que un nombre, y aun así decido ocultarlo.

Vivir en la enfermedad se convirtió en mi cotidianidad, el eco de la muerte nunca llegó a mis oídos, ahogados por palabras que me recordaban mi fealdad. Los banquetes clandestinos se tornaron mi pesadilla, ¿de qué sirvió negarme al alimento si al caer la noche me convertí en mi propia oscuridad? Vomitar se volvió rutina, incluso ante el manjar envenenado, pero la bulimia dejó su huella en mi rostro y mis dientes, cicatrices de batallas de las cuales no logre salir victoriosa

El tiempo borró todo lo que alguna vez creé, quedaron sombras de esa peste en mi mente. Luché por ser lo que todos anhelaban. Estúpida, emocional y obsesiva de mí. Sentirme satisfecha fue un cuento de hadas, mis deseos devorados por pensamientos sobre el cuerpo que debía moldear.

Amé tanto sentir los ojos de todos sobre mí, un castillo de huesos luchando por no derrumbarse. Pero los desmayos se volvieron aliados frecuentes, siestas que aseguraron mi camino hacia el desastre.

Sentirme hermosa fue danzar en un salón lleno de susurros y miradas que buscaban destruir mi fachada; los espejismos estallaron, recordándome que mi belleza era efímera como un sueño de princesa, forjada en sacrificios y promesas rotas.

Aferrarme a esos sacrificios fue mi única identidad, un espejo empañado reflejando anhelos profundos, un reflejo que ya no cerraba las brechas dejadas por quienes me rodeaban. Espejo que no resistió hasta que su cristal se convirtió en polvo de lo que fue.

Este camino de debilidad me rodeó de personas que se esforzaban para ser la princesa más hermosa, un nido donde me sumergieron en la peste que mi mente creó.

Las cámaras inmortalizaron la brisa que mi cuerpo guardaba, un existir que se dañó cada vez más, dejándome sucia. Los comentarios que dañaron mi cuerpo ahora eran halagos al verlos en papel, frágiles como las promesas que hice a mí misma.

La recuperación manchó mi historia al decir que mi cuerpo era una farsa, asesinatos cometidos contra mí misma. Astride con anoréxica, olvidada para todos, excepto para susurros en la mente de alguien que presume estar "bien".

Con cariño, Astride.

[iknowthesugarplumfairy]

Jula Bell, Bobsled

[neurosismancer]

DEVO - Girl U Want (with Julia Bell)

Fuck yeah

[flyerhigh]

[abookishdreamer]

Character Intro: Adephagia (Kingdom of Ichor)

Nicknames- The BBF (Big Bold Fabulous) by Ganymede

Age- 23 (immortal)

Location- Chant du Cygne neighborhood, New Olympus

Personality- She's loud, bold, & fabulous! She doesn't care about who thinks otherwise. She takes pleasure in the overabundance and overconsumption of life's offerings. She's dating casually.

She has the standard abilities of a goddess- except for shapeshifting. As the goddess of gluttony, her powers/abilities include having an enhanced bite (can bite through extra durable materials- like metal), gluttony inducement (can induce hunger and extremes of gluttony like the overconsumption of food, drink, & other vices), and having an infinite digestive system (the most enhanced one out of all the gods in the pantheon).

Adephagia lives in a mansion in the Chant du Cygne neighborhood of New Olympus. Inside the color scheme is hot pink, fuchsia, silver, gold, red, and purple. Most of the flooring is wall to wall baby blue mink carpeting. There's also an indoor hot tub & jacuzzi. Instead of a chandelier, there's neon light fixtures. She has three st bernard dogs as pets. They're all girls & their names are Bubbles, Dimples, and Munchkin!

She has a "goodie" closet, seperate from her regular closet. It contains a lot of her favorite snacks like bon bons, salted caramel & dark chocolate covered pretzels, various gourmet popcorn, candy bars, gummy bears, fruit punch flavored licorice twists, & red velvet-white chocolate chip cookies. Adephagia frequents Hollyhock's Bakery, Cocoa Delights, and Confetti Candy Co.

Her go-to drinks include wine (red and white), vodka, champagne, margaritas, cosmopolitans, tequila, and her personal favorite- an olympian sized hot buttered rum milkshake (with extra whipped cream & caramel sauce).

In the pantheon Adephagia is friends with Ganymede (god of homosexual love & desire), Mania (goddess of insanity), Aphrodite (goddess of love & beauty), Pannychis (goddess of nightlife festivities), Komos (god of revelry), Gelos (god of laughter), Apate (goddess of fraud & deception), Momus (god of mockery, satire, & ridicule), Pheme (goddess of fame), and Dionysus (god of wine). She's also cool with some of the "thick madames" of the pantheon like Iris (goddess of the rainbow), Hestia (goddess of the hearth), Clio (muse of history), Méli (goddess of bees & honey), Pandaisia (goddess of banquets), Methe (goddess of drunkenness), Thalia (grace of festivities), Terpischore (muse of dance), and Aglaia (grace of beauty & splendor). Her mentor was Charis (goddess of charm). Adephagia also admires Orthosia (goddess of wealth).

She has an extensive collection of Diamond Ave. clutches- especially the food themed ones! Her latest addition is the jeweled hot dog clutch- costing 4,500 drachmas!

Adephagia is one of the few minor deities to have a temple.

Her favorite thing to eat in the morning is the Olympian breakfast platter. It includes several pieces of buttered garlic toast, a bowl of rizogalo (rice pudding), scrambled eggs (added with peppers, black olives, & onions), hash browns, biscuits (spread with apricot preserves & grape jelly), maple sugar bacon, and spicy sausage links drowned in tzatziki sauce & sausage gravy. On a laid back morning, she'll eat a large bowl of Golden Kreme Crunch cereal.

Adephagia is successful in her own right! Aside from hosting the annual gyro eating contest (which takes place during the Summer Solstice holiday), she also has a fashion & lifestyle magazine called BBF (Big, Bold, Fabulous)! She also has a fashion brand specifically catered to plus size women called FATshionista (which includes clothes, shoes, & accessories) and a modeling agency (which specifically scouts for plus size models)! Currently, she's also planning on opening up a wellness center for people suffering from bulimia. Adephagia also has a few buffet style restaurants called Poté Tróei. There's at least four locations in a few New Olympus neighborhoods- with a new one planning to open in the state of Florina. One of the specialties include a 54 inch pizza called "The Titan Sicilian." This particular order requires a 24 hour notice. It costs 300 drachmas with each different topping costing 20 drachmas each! Another specialty is the Mt. Olympus burger- a mountain of tomatoes, onions, lettuce, cheese slices, enormous thick hamburger patties, tzatziki sauce, & hickory smoked barbeque sauce totaling to 28 inches in diameter, 11 1/2 inches in height, and weighing 105 lbs! This culinary beast costs 450 drachmas and if 10 people together can finish it in under an hour, they'll receive a 5,000 drachma prize!

For other work she also models for Hot Intoxication, Maison du Drame, Graces Glam, Swimsilk, Heavenly Spark, La Petit Amour, and No.3 & Co. She also writes for the magazines Glamgerous, The Rainbow Room, & Kythereia.

Adephagia loves deep frying cloud cakes, dusting them off with powdered sugar!

She was declared the best dressed at the Olympian Gala- when they did a campy theme. Adephagia arrived wearing a custom Maison du Drame outfit- a shimmery light pink silk organza shirt with oversized bow shaped sleeves with a 5 foot long train, matching pants, thigh high white platform boots- complete with a cake sliced shaped Diamond Ave. clutch. Her hair was in a stylized bouffant (with many rhinestones & dessert themed hair clips). Her accessories included jeweled bubblegum shaped earrings and super long neon pink feather eyelash extensions.

As for her love life, Adephagia is going with the flow and not putting any pressure on herself. She "dipped her toes in the lady pond" for a minute when she made out with Pannychis one time. She also kinda hooked up with Hermes (he went down on her) & Adephagia has made out with Zelus (god of envy, jealousy, & zeal) a few times. She's seeing a giant named Androcles whom she met on a dating app. He's so her type- tall, dark chocolate, & handsome! She also has crushes on Priapus (god of fertility, vegetable gardens, livestock, sexuality, & masculinity), Záchari (god of confectionery), Aplistos (god of avarice), and Pseudologos (god of lies).

Her all time favorite dessert are the chocolate glazed donuts from Hollyhock's Bakery- with her usually getting two boxes. At home, she dips them into a vanilla milkshake. She'll usually leave some for her dogs!

She's always getting shopping catalogs & coupons in the mail.

Some of her favorite meals include steak (cooked well done), spaghetti & meatballs, lasagna, moussaka, sicilian pizza (topped with chicken, red peppers, sausage, and pepperoni), fasolada, & the ultimate family meal from Olympic Chef (that comes with mashed potatoes with gravy, a 12 piece bucket of extra crispy fried chicken, six biscuits, two mini honey cakes, & two olympian sized fries).

In her free time, Adephagia loves shopping, going to the beach, karaoke, listening to music, clubbing, going to the spa, yoga, spin class, cooking, and baking.

"Too much of a good thing? Potato, Puhtahto!"

[kamyru]

Hi! I have read your post about writting about more controversial themes in fics or headcannons, and I sinceresly think that as long as you write about it in a sensible and respectful way it's ok and even can be beneficial to help you feel less stressed about that problem. I don't know how will you feel about it but I would really like to know how you headcannon IM characters (specially Shunichiro, Toshiaki and Yukihisa) with an MC who has had issues in the past with anorexia and Bulimia. I will totally understand if you didn't want to write about it.

Thank you 😀

Hi, @sekainoongaku, thank you so much for your request. I think too that these topics must be tackled, though in a sensible way. Hope that all the people who went or are going through something similar will be alright. Sending you all the love and hugs ❤️.

Irresistible Mistakes characters (Yukihisa Maki, Shunichiro Tachibana and Toshiaki Kijima) with an MC who had bulimia and anorexia in the past (Headcanons)

Trigger warning: Eating disorders

Yukihisa Maki

Dr. Maki knew what the symptoms of bulimia and anorexia were.

Even if he didn't sense any alarming behavior in her, some of her words and knowledge made him worry.

She knew more brands of laxatives and diuretics than people usually do.

She knew how many calories a product has or how to count them in a meal.

Also, she had some problems with her teeth.

Yukihisa wasn't dumb. He was a fantastic doctor. And like a big part of doctors, he saw symptoms everywhere.

It took him a while till he had enough courage to ask MC about this.

Though, MC wasn't ready to talk. She tried hard to convince him that she had no idea why he had asked anything about eating disorders.

The only problem was that her boyfriend could sense when she was lying or trying to hide something.

Dr. Maki was the on-call doctor of Addison & Rhodes. He had access to the workers' medical history.

He knew that he didn't have the right to pry out MC's secrets. However, he was worried. Wasn't this a reason good enough to use his data?

With her file in front of him, he debated if he had to read it or not.

The moment someone entered the room, he hid it with the speed of a cheetah.

He had to wait. Yes, MC was an Addison & Rhodes worker. Though, she was his girlfriend too. He had to make sure that she knew that he was ready to listen and be near her when she was ready to open up.

It took her a while.

And it happened in a way that nearly made him cry.

"Have you ever dated a person who fell into the 'perfect looks' category?"

It took Yukihisa a while till his brain started working again, and he tried to find what to answer her.

"You have a lot of experience with women. Which one was the most beautiful? I bet she was tall, slim, with long limbs and small wai..."

Her boyfriend couldn't take it anymore. He knew where she was going. He knew that his words could make it worse, even if he wanted only the best for her.

MC felt his lips on her. It was a needy, desperate kiss in which Yukihisa's care and love were in.

"You are the most beautiful and perfect creature ever. I love you more than anything. So, please. Don't do this with yourself. Don't ever lose your confidence."

For a while, MC didn't say a word. She knew that he guessed her history with eating disorders.

"I can't promise anything. I can't say that I won't ever do it again. I don't want to, and I'm afraid to return to what I was feeling then. But if this happens again, could you be near me?"

Yukihisa cupped her cheeks and kissed her forehead.

"I promise that I'll be near you every time you need me. You don't even have to say a word. I'll be there for you. Always. I'll do everything to prevent you from going through that again. I'll be near you if you want to talk. I'll be near you if you need help. I'll be near you to remind you every day and every second that you're perfect. So, please, have faith in me."

Shunichiro Tachibana

As a CEO and son of an influential family, it wasn't rare for Shun to be invited to banquets, business dinners, and receptions.

From time to time, he was bringing MC with him, especially after their relationship became more serious and stable.

Shun didn't like these types of social gatherings. For him, they were unnecessary and hypocritical.

And he was worried about MC and how people from there were going to look at her from above.

Though, she tried to enjoy the receptions every time and to make Shun do the same.

And mostly, it worked. Everything was more bearable with MC near him.

It lasted till the moment one of the women criticized her and asked Shun why he dating someone so uninteresting and average.

It took all the convincing powers MC had to stop him from starting an argument.

Though, the entire evening was ruined because of this. Shun even insisted on going home.

MC couldn't convince him to stay. Before leaving, she told him that she was going to the bathroom.

The luck, though, left her completely. Or that was what Shun thought when he saw the woman who insulted her minutes ago running from the bath.

What he didn't expect was to see MC trying to catch her up. It finished the moment the woman slapped MC's cheek.

Thankfully, only Shun saw the entire scene. But it was enough to make him even more exasperated.

Though, before he could say anything, MC took the woman's hand and whispered something to her ear, giving her a piece of paper.

To say that Shun was surprised is to say nothing.

The only problem was that MC didn't say a thing about this situation. Shun tried everything he could to convince her to tell him what happened that night, though it didn't work.

The answer came from an unexpected source.

He was called by the woman from the reception and asked for a little of his time. At first, he didn't want to go.

She was insistent. And even found a way to synchronize her schedule with his and invited him on a lunch.

Unwillingly, Shun went there. He was surprised by what the woman had to say.

She gave him a packet for MC with some gifts as a thank you. She was too ashamed to ask her out, so she did it through her boyfriend.

When he asked why and what happened between them, she gave him a confused look.

"When she stopped me then, she said 'I had the same problem'. That's what saved my life. If you want to know more, ask her yourself."

It made Shun very worried and confused. He had no idea about what the woman what talking.

The same night, he gave MC the gift and asked her what was this about.

MC gave him a fake smile and tried to run away from his questions. However, in the end, she decided to tell him everything.

That was how he found out that she used to starve herself then binge eat and throw up. It continued till she was hospitalized in a critical condition.

"But I'm all right now. So, you don't have to worry."

Shun patted her head. It was breaking his heart to know through what MC went.

He was afraid that this could happen again, that the selfish people around him could hurt her, that he wouldn't be able to show her how much he cared.

So, to make sure that he would be able to be there for her, to show her that he cared and to save her from hurtful words of people, he started to learn more about these illnesses, to call out the people who were trying to hurt her feeling, to spend more time with her.

Toshiaki Kijima

MC was unimaginably good at cooking.

Every time Toshiaki mentioned something about working out, healthy food, or cooking, MC was there to help him and give him some tips.

Toshiaki had no idea how so much information about a topic could fit into someone's head.

She remembered by heart a lot of recipes, how many calories a food has, what exercises burn more calories.

He was even happy to see her having a hobby that she was so invested in.

It lasted till he gathered enough courage to make her a compliment and ask about this.

"You're so passionate about this topic. It's always interesting to listen to you. But how what made you learn so much about this?"

MC stopped what she was doing. She was debating in her mind if she could tell him her history. She already knew about his. Maybe he had the right to know her too?

With a contorted smile, she turned to him, and for some minutes, she tried to find the right words.

Toshiaki felt that something was wrong. He had no idea what he did, but he knew that something serious was coming.

"I... Ah... I used to binge-eat and then throw up, exercise a lot, and count calories so that to not gain weight."

For a while, none of them said anything else.

It was MC who broke the silence. She couldn't take Toshiaki's stare anymore.

"I don't do this anymore, but if you..."

"I'm sorry. I don't know what to say in this situation. I don't know what can make you feel better because I guess you felt awful then. I just hope that you are better and happier now. I don't know what to do to make you feel more confident or what to say, how to act. But if you ever feel like this again, I'll do anything to help you. I don't want to see you suffering. You deserve so much better than this."

That was one of the longest speeches MC heard from Toshiaki. She could sense how he was carefully choosing his words and tried to convey his worries and love.

She didn't even feel how tears were running down her cheeks. She understood it only after Toshiaki started to clean them away.

After he found out about this, he was reluctant to use her knowledge about these topics anymore.

It was MC who said that everything was alright and that at least something good remained from that time.

Toshiaki asked Dr. Maki and searched for information about how to act and what to do.

On the one hand, he wanted to be there for MC. On the other hand, he didn't want to press or control her.

He also started to be more vocal about his feelings and compliments to make sure that MC knew how gorgeous she was.

She was sure that if she ever felt the same as in the past, she had a person to be near her and give her a hand to go through everything together.

[johns-prince]

The first time John was found, it was by Brian. Later John would realize it had been his own fault, his own carelessness, which led to Brian thoughtlessly opening the suite's private bathroom door as it wasn't locked.

Right as Brian had opened the door, John had gotten the response he wanted from his body from sticking his fingers down his throat-- a lurch of his body followed by a strangled, hurting noise escaping him as tonight's banquet rushed back up and splattered down into the porcelain bowl.

Brian stood there, frozen, watching for a hot second, eyes wide as his brain tried to process what exactly he was witnessing. John was leaning forward on his knees, head hanging over the toilet bowel, one hand bracing the side as the other had it's elbow resting on the brim of the bowel, hand hovering, stuttering, near John's mouth. John's tie was slung over his shoulder, both sleeves of his white dress shirt rolled up to the bends of his arms.

John was breathing hard, raspy, visibly and audibly swallowing. "Ge' out," John managed lowly, sounding raw, though the dangerous edge was not missed.

Brian, though, stayed standing, one hand still holding tight to the doorhandle, eyes never moving from John. There was obvious residue coating the fingers still hovering, slick, discolored. It made Brian's stomach clench. Brian licked his lips before parting them, not realizing he had been holding in air till he breathed out gently, "John--"

John's head turned as fast as a whip, his eyes, watery and bloodshot, glaring up to meet Brian's, and all Brian could see was a dark swirling of rage and pure shame. "GET. OUT!" John yelled, though as painful as that may have been, it only made the anger in his voice more prominent, lips curling to show his teeth. Brian jumped, mouth snapping shut, eyes still wide; without another glance or word, Brian was doubling back fast, shutting the door firmly as he left.

When Brian returned to the little after party down in the lobby, the man tried his best to go back to acting as if everything was fine, that he hadn't just caught John-- caught John... Brian grimaced, though hiding it as he brought a champagne glass to his lips. No, surely not, couldn't be. Why would he? Brian thought, swallowing the bitter drink down, giving him an excuse to grimace and let his lips turn into a tight-lipped frown. John wasn't some girl, why would John be doing such a thing only silly girls did?

When Brian was being pulled from his thoughts, it was because of Paul, whom appeared besides him, asking something in Brian's ear which the older man hadn't caught. "Say again?" Brian asked, ignoring the noticeable roll of Paul's eyes before the boy said once more, "You seen John? Seem'd to lose him."

Brian's mouth felt dry, and he couldn't help but take an opportunity to take another mouthful of the champagne before replying. "Mm, no, no I haven't," Brian tried to sound honest, wanted too, though with the image of John huddled over the toilet bowel, deepthroating his own fingers to only force a foul and dirty liquid from himself, wasn't making it at all easy. Should he tell Paul? Pull the lad aside and just be straight with him? Why not, Paul was John's best mate-- perhaps Paul knew about this already? No, couldn't have...

But before Brian could officially make that decision, that move, Paul was being pawed at by a rather giggly and buzzed George, obviously trying to drag Paul with him to show him or introduce him to someone. Paul, only resisting George's pullings by his arm at first, turned and said to Brian, "Well, send him my way when ya do." And then he was being led away by George.

Brian just stood there, empty champagne glass in hand, blinking stupidly. Brian couldn't, wouldn't, and an hour later John would have joined the little party once more, and finding Paul the other two on his own.

------------------------------------

I don't know why, but I had the urge to write about this. Maybe it's because I also suffered with bulimia and I just, sympathize, and get it. I don't know, maybe I'm just a masochist who hates angst writing yet can't help but write it when the thought hits me.

This will be in parts, if I decid to continue writing about it. There will be McLennon as I want to imagine/write about Paul finding out about John's new problem, because Paul must have known; and how he reacts, how he confronts John or catches John...

But I thought, maybe this is the best way to start it off. Sorry it's not much, I do promise I can write happy and naughty things.

[thephilosopheroftheboudoir]

Bulimia Banquet

Load Head Destructor/Bobo

[gotankgo]

1989

[a7xlizardqueen]

Title: Your Knight in a Sweater Vest

Overall Rating: NC-17

Overall Warnings: Parental bullying, mentions of bulimia, nudity(?), drinking, partying, cursing, very slight mention of war and trauma, smut, poor self-esteem

Pairing: Reader x Steve Rogers

Summary: When you need help dealing with your rude and overbearing family, your best friend Steve Rogers comes to the rescue. Modern!AU - For @barnesrogersvstheworld  Writing Challenge Shot Through the Heart #shotthroughtheheart3k

Chapter: 8/10

Word Count: 2,092 words

Chapter Warnings: Poor self-esteem

-X-X-X-

The moment between you and Steve had passed and you followed Peter and Ned inside and up to your floor. When you get into your apartment you change into sweats and a big sweater, only now realizing that your favourite comfy sweater happens to be one you stole from Steve in college. You can't get him out of your head. You grab a beer from the fridge, make a bowl of buttery popcorn and curl up on the couch underneath a blanket. From your hard drive you select your go-to film for when you’re feeling down, Only Lovers Left Alive.

Steve always made fun of you for it. He didn't particularly like the film, thought it was boring and that it didn't really have a story. Actually, Steve says the only reason you watch it is for Tom Hiddleston, which isn't completely false. However it's for all those reason that this movie manages to calm you down; the deep rolling soundtrack, the slowness of it all, Adam's sadness against Eve's joy and hope at the smallest things forces your heart beat to steady and brings a warm fuzziness to your brain.

Steve would never understand, he doesn't ever doubt himself, doesn't get panicked over anything. And why would he, he's a down right perfect specimen. There's not a damn thing wrong with him from the inside out. He's got the body of a God, the face of a model and the heart of an angel. Even when he's reminded of Bucky's time as a POW, a time you remember well, he stays calm, takes a deep breath, and moves on.

You remember when Steve had found out Bucky was captured. You hadn't known each other for long yet. You expected him to cry, rage, become irate, anything that a normal college boy would do, party excessively, something. Instead he'd become hard, spending all of his time studying or in the gym, killing punching bag after punching bag.

Your beer is empty and you realize you haven't been paying attention to the movie at all. You've just been sitting here thinking about Steve. Fucking Steve. He's all you can think about anymore. Why did he have to go and pretend to be your fucking boyfriend? Now all you want is for the fantasy to be real, and it never will be. How could someone like Steve possibly think you’re good enough for him?

You’re not smart like him, you’re not an unfailingly good person, and you’re nowhere near as beautiful as he is; not to mention your fucked up family. You've never been good at being a woman, your skin isn't silky smooth, your hands are calloused and you often have saw dust in your hair. You rarely wear makeup and never wear dresses. You don't flirt and smile and bat your eyes. There's a reason why your best friends are guys.

Steve and you are never gonna happen. You shouldn't even be entertaining the thought.

-X-X-X-

No matter how hard you tried you couldn't get him out of your head. Even though your lives had mostly gone back to normal, not having any family functions to attend, your brain wouldn't revert back to normal. Whenever you hung out you were always acutely aware of Steve's presence and you began to notice him even more, which you would have thought was impossible.

When he spoke it felt like his voice was caressing your skin, or like you were savoring a piece of decadent dark chocolate. You'd find yourself getting lost listening to the inflections and rising and falling of the tone of his voice, and Steve would have to repeat himself. You noticed how his hair glistened in the sun, all the different shades of blond becoming more distinct. You noticed the flexing of his muscles when he moved, especially whenever you were at the gym together. And his smell, my God he smelled amazing. You didn't care what he smelled like when you would hang out at the bar and he'd be wearing cologne, no. Your favourite scent was purely Steve. After you'd work out really hard and he was dripping sweat and he smelled so primal, so dirty, and so male. Whenever he smelled like that it would make your nipples hard and your pussy ache. You'd never wanted anyone so much in your life.

You began to dream about Steve all the time, too. Sometimes it would just be him smiling at you, maybe sharing a kiss or two. Most of the time you would wake up drenched in sweat, panting, and wanting him. You relieved yourself many times while remembering the filthy dreams your depraved mind conjured while you slept.

-X-X-X-

To your surprise Ines invited Sam to the wedding and so he and Steve took over your room to get ready while you and Ines used her room. Your skin was practically crawling you were so nervous. All because after the wedding you'd have to share a bed with Steve.

"Honey, why don't you just tell him how you feel? He probably likes you too," Ines suggests while curling your hair.

You scoff, "Yeah right. There's no way Steve thinks of me like that."

"I think you're completely oblivious. That man only has eyes for you. Why don't you think he'll like you?"

You shake your head, "You never met his ex, Peggy. She was gorgeous. She was the smartest, funniest, strongest woman I ever knew. Steve was head over heels in love, although they never really dated long. When Buck went missing, I guess Steve kind of shut her out. She moved back to England soon after that. Last I heard she got married and had a kid."

"Y/N, that was a long time ago. Things have changed."

"Easy for you to say. Look at you!"

Ines shakes her head in disbelief, "Oh my God, your mother really fucked you up."

-X-X-X-

Steve texts you that they're already downstairs waiting for you so you and Ines head straight down on the elevator. You fidget with the skirt of the simple black fit and flare, anxious to see what Steve's reaction will be. You’re not sure he's ever seen you in a dress.

"You're overthinking it, Y/N. Calm down."

You sigh and leave the dress alone, "I know. I'm nervous."

The elevator slows to a stop, your heart jolting at the same time. The doors open, Sam and Steve are waiting on the other side of the doors in sleek black tuxedos. You gape and stumble out of the elevator. Steve holds his arm out for you and you steady yourself. His eyes slowly peruse up and down your body and your chest grows warm.

“Wow, Steve,” you smile, “You look great.”

Steve smiles down at you, eyes shining, and says something that makes your heart skip a beat, “You look beautiful, Y/N.”

-X-X-X-

Steve takes the four of you to the church in his SUV. Due to Jae's religious catholic family, that meant a church wedding, a long church wedding. There was a lot of standing and kneeling and praying until finally Justin and Jae were deemed husband and wife. You did tear up for a while, but the wedding was so long that they dried up pretty quickly. You and Steve sat one pew behind your mother who thankfully ignored you the entire time.

Back at the hotel in the banquet hall you found out just how amazing Jae really was. As immediate family, you and Steve should have been sitting with your mother and sister, however she sat you at a "black sheep" table with your father and Trish, Ines’ parents, and Ines and Sam. Your table quickly contrasted severely with the other family table. You were already laughing before the bride and groom came in.

The bride and groom were announced to raucous cheers. Food and wine was served. Steve’s attention was solely on you the entire time, even when he was having a conversation with someone else, his hand was on the back of your chair, or playing with the ends of your hair, or laying on the exposed skin of your back, thumb lightly caressing your skin. And slowly you became less and less nervous around him, and actually began to entertain the idea that maybe Steve Rogers likes you a little bit

The speeches are hilarious, performed by Justin and Jae’s best friends who are a couple. There are little Polaroid cameras all over the tables for people to take pictures of each other with. Sam has a lot of fun with that, vowing to get a picture of you and Steve kissing, something you tell him is not going to happen.

When the food is done and most of the plates cleared the fun really starts. The music is turned up and changes to more upbeat songs, urging the guests to dance. Ines’ parents are up immediately. You’re pretty sure they’re the most amazing couple you’ve ever met, you’ll never tell Clintasha though.

There are a few different games around the room too and you and Steve play a few with Sam and Ines. The best one is the giant Jenga game. You all need a moment to catch your breath and sit back at the table. You head over to the bar for drinks. Of course the night couldn’t go perfectly, not in your world. Percy sidles up to you with a smirk.

“You look good, Y/N.”

“Save it, Percy. I don’t care what you think.”

“That’s a new revelation. You used to bend over backwards to make me happy.”

“And you took it for granted and put me in the hospital. Hmm, I wonder why I don’t care about you anymore. Such a mystery.”

“What if I told you I changed?” his expression becomes serious and you pause, looking at him.

“Excuse me?”

“What if I said I wanted to try again?”

An incredulous laugh bursts from your mouth, shocking even yourself.

“You are delusional if you think I’d leave Steve for you.”

Percy smirks, “Yeah, but we both know that’s not real, right? Come on, I remember you and Steve in college. You’re not a real thing. Look, there he is now, cozying up with your sister.”

You follow the tilt of his head and peek over Percy’s shoulder, spying your sister chatting with Steve. She’s giving him her best smile, flinging her hair, and laying a hand on his arm. Steve’s back is turned to you, though. When you look back at Percy he’s wearing a triumphant smile, and he places his hand intimately on your waist. With a sudden burst of rage you throw his hand off.

“Don’t ever touch me again.”

“Come on, babe. Don’t be mad at me just ‘cause Steve’s no better than the rest of them.”

You gasp and realize just how thick Percy is. You grab a champagne flute from the bar and chug it back, then you laugh.

“You’ve gotta be really stupid if you think you can ruin my night with your flimsy accusations. Maybe Steve and I aren’t actually in a relationship. I’m definitely not going to tell you if that were true. Either way, we’re still best friends. Do you honestly think that I don’t know my own best friend well enough to know that he would never be interested in someone like my sister?”

“Hey, babe, there a problem here?” Steve interrupts at just the right moment.

You smile fondly and accept his offered hand.

“There’s absolutely no problem. Thank you for proving my point.”

Without a backward glance at Percy you allow Steve to pull you away. You’re surprised when he keeps walking past the table and instead takes you to the dance floor where many of the couples are enjoying a slow dance. Steve pulls you in tight, one arm on the small of your back.

“What are we doing here?” You ask.

Steve smirks, “I wanted to dance with my girl.”

“But I’m not your girl,” you reply with a smirk.

“Yes, Y/N, you are. I love you.”

Your skin tingles with his revelation, “Are you sure?”

“I’ve never been more certain of anything.”

Excitement bubbles up from your stomach and you throw your arms around Steve’s neck, attaching your lips to his in a hurried and fervent kiss. He squeezes you against him and kisses you back until you’re breathless and are forced to part.

“Got it!” Sam laughs, waving a Polaroid in your face before skipping away.

[encyklopediakoval]

250) SKŁADANKA “Gabba Gabba Hey – A Tribute To The Ramones” CD / 2LP Triple X 1991 - jak wiadomo The Ramones to najczęściej coverowany punkowy band i jedna z najczęściej przerabianych kapel w całej historii rocka. Nie sposób więc przecenić ich wpływu na scenę muzyczną i rolę jako inspiracji dla setek, a raczej tysięcy kapel. Składanek z coverami w hołdzie dla The Ramones wyszła więc cała masa. Kompilacji międzynarodowych, jak i lokalnych, ograniczających się do poszczególnych krajów. Także Polska nie pozostała tu gorsza, bo i u nas powstały – choć stosunkowo późno - dwie tego typu składanki. „Gabba Gabba…” to bodajże pierwsza tego typu kompilacja, przynajmniej jeśli chodzi o oficjalne wydawnictwa, jaka ukazała się (1991) w tej niekończącej się serii „Tribute To…”, wydana w USA przez tamtejszą niezależną wytwórnię punk rockową, Triple X. A uczestnicy owego hołdu to amerykańskie, ściślej kalifornijskie, kapele hardcore, punk i rock’n’roll jak Bad Religion, Flesheaters, Groovie Ghoulies, Badtown Boys, L7, Jeff Dahl, Bulimia Banquet, Mojo Nixon, D.I. czy Creamers, by wspomnieć te bardziej znane. Przerabiane kawałki pochodzą z całego, ówczesnego, dorobku The Ramones z lat 1976-89, czasem przerabiane blisko oryginału, a czasem nieco awangardowo. Jeśli ktoś czasem chce odpocząć od oryginału i lubi tego typu wydawnictwa to warto poszukać, bynajmniej jednak nie wolno patrzeć na dorobek The Ramones tylko przez pryzmat tej składanki.

[iknowthesugarplumfairy]

Jula Bell, Bobsled

[neurosismancer]

DEVO and Julia Bell - Girl U Want (Tank Girl credits version)

Not only is this an awesome redo of an awesome DEVO song, it's even better because they're redoing the awful Soundgarden version. Trust DEVO to cover a shitty cover of their own song and make it awesome again.

[lara-dietq]

The Thin History of Eating Disorders

Eating disorders have been around since food, vanity, greed, and addictions. Documents of eating disorder behaviors have been found worldwide. The frequency of self-starvation and purging vary significantly across specific periods of history, indicating that certain combinations of social and economic factors often facilitate or inhibit these behaviors. Historical evidence suggests that anorexia and bulimia have existed since the first century. During the time of Caesar (700 B.C.), elite ancient Romans overindulged at lavish banquets and then relieved themselves by vomiting so they could return to the feast and continue eating. Ancient Egyptians drew hieroglyphics that depicted their use of monthly purges to avoid illness. Persian medical manuscripts and Chinese scrolls originating in the early dynasties also describe ailments that are very similar to modern eating disorders. It was not uncommon in African tribes for a family member to fast during times of extreme famine to save food for their children, and then continue to restrict their diet after the famine was over. They were endangering there body to disease and malnutrition. Wealthy Roman ladies of the post-pagan Christian era acting under spiritual direction sometimes starved themselves to depreciate (show contempt for) the body, which was considered evil. The first recorded case of anorexia occurred in an upper-class Roman woman who was a member of a religious group being led by St. Jerome. Her Gnostic religious beliefs drove her behavior. In his book, Holy Anorexia, Rudolph Bell described European religious women of the renaissance period, who punished their bodies by fasting to reach a higher plane of spirituality and closeness to God. tHoly anorexia was respected by medieval societies as a sound method for cleansing a woman's spirit. These pious women were elevated to sainthood for their extreme fasting and devotion to the church. A controversial and widely known example in Bell's book is Catherine of Sienna (1347-1380) an Italian Catholic woman who was canonized in 1461 by Pope Pius II. St.Catherine of Sienna is now the patron saint of Eating Disorders.

The first formal description and diagnosis of anorexia as a medical condition occurred in England during the 1680s. Historical documents show that Dr. Richard Morton of London described his twenty-year-old patient in 1686 as "a skeleton clad with skin." In his work, "A Treatise of Consumption," he suggested that her sadness ate away at her. She reportedly died two years later. He also reported a young man that was "wasting away due to emotional turmoil." This patient made a full recovery after he got some rest and moved away from the city. Sir William Gull, a physician to England's royal family, was the first to characterize anorexia as a disease different from religious hysteria or biological eating problems. Although he felt that the condition arose from a mental state, he did not believe that patients suffering should be treated as mentally insane. oHe treated the young women who came to him by prescribing force-feeding, moral teaching (from the Bible), and a change of scene. In October 1873, he presented his ideas in "Anorexia Hysterica" to his colleagues in the Clinical Society of London, and named the malady anorexia nervosa, meaning loss of appetite. At the same time, French psychiatrist, Charles Lasegue, described anorexia from a social and psychological standpoint, emphasizing the role of the family. He believed that anorexia was a disease that could develop only in comfortable homes with an abundance of food. At meals, children were expected to eat everything on their plates, making mealtimes stressful and leading some children to refuse to eat as a form of rebellion. Dr. Lasegue also postulated that women, who found their lives suffocating and could not display emotional distress, protested by not eating. Medical symptoms of bulimia were not widely discussed until the early 1900s. This disorder was first described in medical terms in 1903 in "Obsessions et la Psychasthenie," where Pierre Janet presents Nadia, a woman who engaged in compulsive binges in secret. As the previous information suggests, anorexia and bulimia had initially been thought to be physical diseases due to a medical condition. Researchers attributed these disorders to hormone imbalances and endocrine deficiencies. Simmond's disease, a lack of pituitary gland functioning, dominated popular conceptualizations of the time. Physicians also thought at one time that anorexia was a form of tuberculosis. It was not until the 1930's that the medical community began to understand that the causes of these troubling eating disorders were in part, psychological and emotional rather than wholly physical. The case study of Ellen West (1930-1933), provided further support for this shift in thinking. This paper provided Ellen's perspective, describing her desperate obsession with food and thinness that eventually led to suicide. The research and clinical studies of today show that Eating Disorders have multiple and complex causes. Biological, social and cultural, psychological, genetic, and family factors can contribute to the development of these disorders. Roxanne S. and two other women created O.A. (Overeaters Anonymous) in January 1960. Following the success and popularity of Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.), O.A. was formed to help people suffering from compulsive overeating, binge eating, bulimia, and anorexia. Although it was not until the 1990s, that binge eating disorder was first recognized as a formal diagnosis. Before 1992, when binge eating disorder was officially "introduced" at the International Eating Disorders Conference, individuals with this type of behavior were labeled emotional overeaters, compulsive overeaters, and food addicts.

In 1978, Hilde Bruch's The Golden Cage was one of the first books to suggest that eating disorders were becoming a serious problem. "The Best Little Girl in the World," a movie released in 1985, gave the average person a glimpse of what it was like to have an eating disorder. During that same year, the high profile pop singer and composer Karen Carpenter died from heart failure brought on by her anorexia nervosa. Other famous icon's that helped pave the way for eating disorder awareness are Princess Diana, John Lennon, Alfred Hitchcock, and Amy Winehouse. Unfortunately, this list continues to grow with both male and female causalities. The current study indicates that eating disorders are likely the result of a combination of genetics and environment. While environmental factors alone cannot cause an eating disorder, many people have pointed to the role of social pressures for thinness as an influence that can have an impact on individuals who may be genetically predisposed to eating disorders.

It is not surprising that the worth society places on being thin and "beautiful" can impact those already at risk for eating disorders. In the United States and Europe (for example), men and women are given the message at a very young age that to be happy and prosperous, they must be thin and fit. These areas have abundant access to media (t.v., internet, magazines, movies, etc.)

In today's modern social media world, most people who struggle with an eating disorder have to endure societies image of them too. They are envisioned as vain narcotic females wanting to look famous or grossly obese with no self-control or life. The more I study and research this alluring disorder. I come up with one common thread. From the dawn of man, there has been a "self-worth" puzzle. Eating disorders feed and progress when there is a lack of self-worth. It is not about food; it is not about body image; it is about not thinking "you are enough."

By Lara Ruth Mofidi