#bulimicc

[chirimoyass]

I cri every time

✨D U M B B I T C H ✨

👉🏽🤮

[ana-likes-to-journal]

Why recovery should be number 1 priority....

*an important message (tw: ED related)*

This blog will be pro-ana in some way even though I sincerely don’t promote or want to promote eating disorders. I just want to feel like I belong somewhere and ED community is where I belong. In my first year of Ana, I had no idea about eating disorders but deep down I knew I had a problem. I looked it up and I found out about Anorexia Nervosa. I was shocked to see how I followed every freaking ritual without realising such as arm check with hands and other body checks, I would not allow myself to eat certain food, even purge if I had even a little bit more food, it was so much worse that I would cry over eating a full apple even and I started distancing myself from people. It was bizarre to me that I was not just dieting, I was suffering. I actually knew that but didn’t know it had a label. I tried to recover, it was fuckin hard. It was recovery when I started counting calories because having to eat food made me anxious. Before I wouldn’t count because I only allowed myself to have just fruits and one or two bites of other food. I lost a lot of weight. People started calling me out and started saying that I looked unrecognisable or even sick. When I lost weight, was I happy? Yes, in the beginning I was because at the end of the day I knew I was one of the tinniest people in the room. But I had no life, no friends really except for my stoner friends. I hated my body most of the time. I was ashamed of myself and my body because what I was doing wasn’t right. I had a massive hair fall, I hate my hair now. I noticed I had grown hair on my body and face. I don’t get regular periods to this date. I used to wear jacket even during summers. People would tell me it’s weird but little did they know I was actually cold. It is honestly not a life to live like. It is actually not having a life at all. You dedicate your entire self to one thing which shouldn’t be a priority but you make it a religion. You pray and follow all the rules. A voice always keeps shouting at you that you’re fat no matter what size you are. Loosing weight becomes the only thing you are good at. You have no energy to deal with other stuff, in fact you stop thinking, you become dumb because all you can think about is food and the only number you know about is amount of calories in your food. Every fkin thing makes you question if it will hinder your “dieting” to a point that you start to avoid everything and everyone that might trigger you into butchering your diet. It is quite scary actually.... having to live like this. Now that I think about it, I don’t even know who that person was anymore. So, what recovering from Ana gave me??? It gave me another ED and now I am stuck in a binge-purge cycle for one and a half year. I gained 15 kg in 4-5 months.

I just recently realised there are so many blogs all over the Internet sharing tips and tricks of proana. Young girls/boys having pro-ana blogs. I just wanna say that you don’t deserve this at all. Nobody deserves to live such a life... You wanna know why? Being 21, all I have is the regret of what I could have potentially done instead of wasting my time on loosing weight. I have almost no social life, I have distanced myself from people so much that no one asks me to go out anymore(my ED brain is still happy about that though). At this point, I should be focusing on things that are way too important than loosing weight but all I do is invest my time in dealing with my ED and I can’t think of anything but food and I might just ruin my career because of this stupid ED. So, please think of recovering asap because this life is dark and sad and miserable. Y’all don’t deserve this and neither do I. Please recover, because it’s never too late. I am at a point where I don’t even want to loose weight one moment and want to loose weight so badly the other. I want to and don’t want to recover. My eating habits have become so toxic and if I keep on going this way, I am gonna have a lot of medical problems. The most important thing is ED has filled me with so much self hatred and lack of confidence that it fkin shows. So much hate for myself that I had become suicidal and had frequent mental breakdowns. So frequent that I even had one or two mental breakdowns in public and I had no one by my side because social distancing was my thing even before Corona happened. I try to loose weight in a healthy way but my ED doesn’t allow me to. Why I am mentioning my experience with ED is because if you are following some Proana tips and tricks on internet just to loose few pounds and you think it’s just a one time thing. Trust me, it is not. ED lifestyle is something that I wouldn’t wish even upon my enemies. To normal people it seems to be not a big issue but it is exhausting and full of misery. You can loose weight in a healthy way. You will honestly love your body and enjoy your life but not this way. Also when you start your weight loss journey, ask yourself if you are doing this for yourself or is it cuz of the people and their mean comments?

[fragilelime]

[my-cynical-mia]

I’ve been getting so fucking depressed and stressed and I’m having so many thoughts of relapsing...well, currently I’m not really recovering, but I’m not full on relapsing either? Sort of just, floating in the middle? Like I’m not thinking about my intake too much but I don’t really care whether or not I’m eating enough so I’m kinda just letting it happen. But damn I can’t stop thinking about binging and purging. It’s like, that will solve everything right now and maybe I should just go full on ED mode now. No more messing around I need to be sick again, it was my only purpose and I feel like I’m not doing anything right...so I might as well get this right at least. I don’t know, I might need help/motivation to “get worse” as sick as that sounds. I already have low energy and I know binging and purging exerts a lot of energy. But I can’t stop thinking about it so at some point I’m just not going to care and it’ll just be routine again. Wow, typing this out and seeing where my brain is at right now...almost scares me. I thought maybe I was doing fine. Guess not!!

[being-thinn-blog]

Me, October 2017

I wasn’t skinny, but I was skinnier than now

I want to look like this again

[dreamingofmisunderstoodnerds]

for every note this gets, i’m gonna fast for one hour.

[chirimoyass]

Tf you mean these weren’t 100 for the whole bag!? 🤮🤮

I went to grippy sick jail for a bit but now I’m back on my bullshit 🤪

[ana-likes-to-journal]

[fragilelime]

2020/03/15❄

I’m in the middle of a fast, as usual, and I’m honestly not having a good time. It took a year of “recovery” for me to just be back here again and I can’t state this enough:

weight restoration is the work of the enemy  (¬_¬)

[my-cynical-mia]

WHO ELSE LOVES SCRAPING PLAQUE OFF THEIR TEETH BC U DONT KNOW HOW TO STOP THROWING UP UR FOOD SO MUCH!! BC SAME ! :)

[chirimoyass]

If you fast, you’ll get fucked up faster. 🙂

[chirimoyass]

Time to fast and chug water, lovelies!!

🤞🏽😩💧

[chirimoyass]

It eeez what it eeez

[chirimoyass]

✨ G Y M ✨

💪🏽😗✌🏽

[chirimoyass]

Plan your maintenance day well, babes.

🤘🏼🤪🤘🏼

[chirimoyass]

Jokes on myself, I b’ed anyway.