#burrowing heaven is so cool though

[umblrspectrum]

thanks iz

[cammys-imagines24]

°•Astarion Drinking Your Blood•°

Oh, Astarion never tires of your taste.

Whether it's his first time drinking from you or the hundredth.

You were his first human after all.

But even if he hadn't of lived centuries slaking his thirst with that of vermin...

Forcing their rotten, diseased blood down his hungry maw in sheer desperation...

The Vampire would still find your blood to be like ambrosia from the gods.

The sweetest thing to grace his tongue and warm his belly.

Sometimes it's hard to stop, if Astarion is being honest with himself.

But he loves you too, too much to put you in any mortal peril.

Though after a feeding you may feel dizzy and need to recuperate the next day.

It's just, after so long dining upon infected, squirming rats with mottled fur and yellowing buck teeth...

In the shadows of night, prowling the pests and repugnant riffraff.

He can't help himself and he's grateful you allow him to indulge a little.

But despite however ravenous he is, he's always gentle.

Pulling you close and kissing the moonlit column of your throat.

Tenderly wrapping his ivory arms around your waist, his tone sultry while whispering sweet nothings and gratitudes in your ear.

Astarion is so well versed in his ministrations that you've come to want him to feed off of you just as much as he wants, no, needs to be fed by you.

You relishing his hands leaving indents in the flesh of your hips and his breath upon your nape...

Often finding yourself tugging on strands of his curled silver locks to pull him closer.

Until no space is between you two. Until his mouth touches your neck.

And once it does, Astarion can't help but close his eyes, an involuntary shudder resounding through his whole body at the perfume of you.

Your essence a seductive potion which the Vampire would gladly, willingly lap up forever and ever.

No matter how gentle and inviting he makes the build up though, there's simply nothing to be done about the initial pain.

Astarion can't help the fact that once he bares his pearly, white fangs and sinks them into the sensitive flesh of your neck that it's unpleasant.

His fangs like two white hot pokers burrowing into your jugular vein, causing a muffled scream to leave you.

Your bottom lip plump from how hard you gnaw at it.

He does hate your scream. It revolts him that he's the cause of it.

But it is a momentary distress from you before you reassuringly comb through his hair again.

And after a few labored breaths, you ease into the pain. Getting used to it every single time.

By then he's drunk on you. Gorging himself on the nectar of your life. The crimson, pulsing river of your very being.

He's practically sent to heaven with each swallow and he never thought a spawn like him would get there.

Once you go slack in Astarion's arms he holds you tight, cradling your warm body. His fingers ghosting over your chest, hips, stomach...

And when your heartbeat begins to slow that's when he forces himself to pull away.

Licking the scarlet stream which drips down the two raw puncture wounds.

Cleaning up his mess all the way down to the start of your cleavage, exposed from your unlaced shirt.

Aftercare is incredibly important to Astarion and he is quick to sweep you up bridal style in his arms.

Tucking you safely into your shared bed and fetching you a glass of cool water.

You, weakened and tired, putting up little fuss but managing to smile at him and reach out to take his hand.

He wastes no time, falling into bed with you and pulling you close so your head is upon his chest.

He keeps you in a vice grip all night long so that any who would dare come to harm you in your diminished state would have to go through him first.

And he damn well would never let any harm come to you, save that of the wounds he assaults upon your neck.

And with you content but exhausted in Astarion's arms he licks his red stained lips and smiles in satisfaction.

He thinks you are a marvel really, to allow him to drink your blood in the first place.

To consent willingly and give him a taste of pure ecstasy.

And with his flushed cheeks and twinkling, enlivened crimson eyes, he places a kiss on your forehead.

Whispering how very much he loves you while you sleep soundly upon his chest.

[agustdiv1ne]

ticket to nowhere (but your heart) (m) — cyj

pairing: choi yeonjun x fem!reader

genre: strangers to lovers au, photographer!yeonjun, artist!reader, fluff, angst, smսt

wc: 22.3k

synopsis: twelve days. twelve days is all you have on this godforsaken train to find the spark that will save your dying art career — but you never thought that you would find it in the enigmatic stranger that you can’t seem to stop running into.

warnings: mdni!! ageless + blank blogs dni!!!, mc is bad with feelings, is alluded to have anxiety, and is written as shorter than jjun (i'm sorry to my taller friends, i love you) + the same age as him (24), this takes place in various places across the u.s. (sorry in advance), mentions of food + alcohol, vvvvv brief depiction of potential self-injury when describing a painting, beomgyu + le sserafim's sakura, chaewon, and yunjin (called jennifer here just bc i felt like it) are featured, dom!jjun, sub!mc, soft sex, oral (f receiving), fingering (f receiving), light begging, multiple orgasms, protected sex (hooray!), missionary, praise

note: part of @majestyjun's yeonjun bday event!! REPOSTED bc tumblr decided to not let this show up in the tags (edit: it's now showing up!!) </3 also my longest fic to date, so that's something

*:･playlist･:*

(cross-posted to ao3 here!)

masterlist

everything in your life is bland. gray.

the food that you eat, the people that you become acquainted with, the skyscrapers above you that grasp for the sky and fail to reach it — they have all become so monotone and somber and utterly lifeless. something within you gnaws at itself, aching with pain — though the sharpness of the feeling has been blunted by the passing of time — because you used to adore the city that you call home. you used to find unrivaled beauty in the skyscrapers that spread across manhattan, in the lush green parks scattered amongst the urban landscape that would turn warm and golden as summer metamorphosed into autumn, in the people that would walk by you with their unapologetic, unique fashion and confidence. the very things you used to love have dulled in hue, washes of the vibrancy you once appreciated and took significant inspiration from. 

throughout your apartment lay half-baked paintings and charcoal drawings and pieces with odd compositions from that one month where you went through a mixed media phase, staring at you with their paint-streaked eyes, mocking you. finish us, their fragmentary faces scream. they beg for you to provide them with souls, to be their maker, their creator — but not quite their god. you are not pretentious enough to go that far, to paint yourself as that self-important, that narcissistic. you are far from a god. if you were, you would be in a larger apartment, a penthouse worth millions of dollars in soho or maybe the upper east side. if you were a god, you would purchase the finest art supplies in the world, have your pieces be displayed in major galleries to be auctioned off for hundreds of thousands — no, millions of dollars by pretentious art collectors to be hung up in their gaudy mansions, their own slices of heaven. however, in reality, you fall exceptionally short of a higher being; in truth, you are a rather simple woman who had transplanted herself from her suffocating hometown to brooklyn as soon as you completed your undergraduate degree. a tiny little apartment in brooklyn, new york city, new york — an adumbration of purgatory, floating somewhere between heaven and hell. trapped, trapped, trapped. nowhere to go. 

sitting on your bed, the balls of your feet pressed against the cool wooden floor, you ponder if these thoughts, this density of emotions burrowing into your stomach, are a symptom of burnout. maybe even artist’s block, though in the past you’ve often remarked that the concept doesn’t exist. you had never experienced it, so in your sorely narrow-minded view, it simply couldn’t be possible, and other artists were simply blaming their laziness on this elusive concept. what a fool you were for ever thinking that. shame hangs like a heavy weight within your chest; who are you to criticize the experiences of other artists when you know how difficult a creative’s life can be? how could you be so insolent? 

a raging hypocrite, really, is what you think you must be. a blank, blurry stare scans over your space, the coolness of the floor spreading up into your toes. an easel in the corner, near one of the small windows that allows for a view of mostly red brick, a sliver of blue-brown water where the hudson and east rivers meet, and a few lower manhattan skyscrapers that tower high in the air across the watery expanse. it’s not that far from your bed, which sits on the wall opposite below a second window, the slightest bit larger than the other one. most of your apartment is taken up by supplies rather than actual decor, a jar of paintbrushes on your small, round dining table in the corner near your kitchen instead of a vase of flowers, works-in-progress on the walls rather than posters, pictures. 

you live and breathe art, and your entire apartment reflects that, but the oxygen is getting thinner and thinner.

even then, you’re not quite sure how long you have felt this way — it’s not as if you woke up one day and noticed the change. it wasn’t sudden like a car accident, slamming into you one second and leaving you to cope with the aftermath the next. quite the opposite, really, more akin to the tide slowly coming to shore, washing over more of your body with each incoming wave. soothing, flowing along with each ebb and flow, pulling you further and further away from the beach until you have nowhere else to go but down. 

weak fingers dig into the white comforter below you, curling into the fabric with a surging desperation — for what, you are unsure. comfort? someone to hold you? you haven’t felt the embrace of another, the warm sensation of lips pressed against your own, in an embarrassingly long time. the dating world had slipped from your hands long ago, shattering on the floor like a snow globe, your wants and hopes and desires to love and be loved soaking your lacerated feet and stinging as it enters your wounds. your mind trails to beomgyu, a fellow artist who you had met when you could afford a private studio in a warehouse one burrow over. he was fun, a sappy romantic, and he made you laugh to no end — but he ruined you. he moved across the country without warning and you’d never heard from him again, leaving you heartbroken and with questions you’d never get answers to. you wonder how he’s doing now, if san francisco is treating him well. his number is still in your phone. you should delete it. you need to delete it. you need to make dinner. you need to finish that commission. you need to do a lot of things.

you need to get out of here. 

fuck, you do. the desperation surging within your veins takes the new form of a beast, clawing its way up your throat. you need to leave the city and experience new places and see new things and—

finally, you wrench yourself off of your bed after hours of sitting there. snatching your laptop from the floor, you search. you search and search and search for something that will get you out of this city, albeit temporarily. several different trips to italy — too expensive, and too far away from here. an airbnb in florida — you’ve never been a fan of humidity, and you don’t think only seeing one city will be enough to sate you. come on, come on, there has to be something. 

and then you find it: twelve days on a train, across the country. stops in chicago, denver, san francisco, seattle, and even a national park for half a day before looping back through chicago and back to new york. this sounds…perfect. your eyes grow as wide as saucers at the price as you scroll down. for you, it’s expensive, so fucking expensive, but…

“you need to let go and enjoy life for once,” one of your friends told you at a party a few months ago, when you were experiencing a less incapacitating version of the burnout you currently face, when you had thought it was a mere blip in your unending motivation. of course, you hadn’t listened to jennifer and her sound (and moscato-induced) advice, opting to throw yourself further into your art and ultimately fail at creating anything worthwhile. you regret it now, because you feel stuck. terribly, utterly stuck — but this is your chance to change that. 

you need this; you can make the sacrifice to your already thinning bank account, you think. let go, enjoy life. let go, enjoy life — you repeat those four words over and over again as you type in your card information, as you click the button to book the trip, as you read over the confirmation email that outlines the steps you need to take before you leave. let go, enjoy life, and you will. you will, and you will relight that dimming, nearly extinguished fire within you while you’re at it. you’ll make damn sure of it. 

day one. 

your heart is pounding. the rapid ba-bump ba-bump ba-bump roars in your ears like thunder as people upon people walk past, shoving against both of your shoulders as you stand in front of a board full of green and yellow and red. the sounds of voices and rolling luggage echo across the high, transparent ceilings of the station which allow for a view of the sky above. early mornings and you do not agree with each other, and today is no exception; poorly-veiled dark circles sit beneath your eyes, illuminated by the soft, warm light streaming in from above. looking down at your phone and back up at the screen again, you find that your train is thankfully on time, the bright green letters helping loosen the tightness gathered in your shoulders as you roll them back once, twice. your teeth skirt your bottom lip while you nod to yourself, then scan the spacious building for the escalator that will take you down to the correct platform. 

you hate that you’re nervous. the feeling twists your stomach into knots and flushes your face, cheeks hot as you stand there and wait out the remaining minutes before you can board. it doesn’t even make sense — you should be happy to get out of town, to go places you’ve never been to before, but all you can focus on is the unease creeping up your throat and blooming sour on your tongue. perhaps this is actually excitement that you are feeling. maybe you’re reading it all wrong — jennifer was more than ecstatic when you told her of your impromptu trip, saying “this is what you need! this might be your breakthrough!” 

ever since you met the her, she was always a degree more optimistic than you. looking on the bright side of things, no matter what dire circumstances lay splayed out across the dealer’s table. what’s stopping you from being the same way? several things, but at the same time, jennifer is right: you need this. your hands jitter with an odd combination of excitement and fear — maybe it’s simply the thought of solo travel that is so intimidating. yeah, it has to be. it will pass soon enough — hopefully. you roughly shove your set of headphones onto your head, slipping them over your ears. music will have to do for now, if only to prevent thoughts from racing through your head. 

once you board, you learn that your quarters are…small, though that was expected. it reminds you of your studio apartment, almost; cramped, but lacking the scattered paint tubes and canvases and miscellaneous mediums that you have not laid a single finger upon in months now. the small, travel-size tubes of paint sitting in your backpack weigh your shoulders down, begging to be taken out and spread across the small, flat canvases that are tucked snugly beside them. you muffle their pleas by turning up the music streaming through your headphones. closing the door behind you, you softly hum to the current song in your ears, shoving your suitcase in the corner of the room. 

once the attendant checks your ticket, you decide to take a nap — who cares if it’s early? you barely got enough sleep last night in the first place, too nervous to allow your eyes to shut. collapsing onto your bed, you pull the curtains next to it shut and allow yourself to drift off into a quiet, dreamless sleep.

*:･

you awake around noon with a growling stomach. with a sigh, you rub your tired eyes and sit up, smoothing out your rumpled shirt. after a quick look on your camera to make sure none of your mascara has transferred below your eyes, you make your way to the dining car that’s not too far from your own.

it’s nice, quaint; simply decorated like the rest, with large, square windows divided by thin pieces of wood lining each side. smaller tables line the wall to your right, two seats at each, while larger, four-person tables sit to your left. you opt for a two-seater towards the middle, tunnel vision blocking out the rest of the people present. you stare out at the greenery that blurs outside the window, listening to the low rumble of the train, mindlessly thumbing the laminated menu laying on the table. while you wait for the waitress to get to your table, a light, feminine voice knocks you from your own little world.

“excuse me?” the voice asks. you flinch in response, blinking hard as you look to your left and find two women sitting at the four-seater next to you. they’re both pretty, brown-eyed with full lips curved into twin smiles. they don’t look like sisters, though — more so friends. 

“yes?” you politely say, wondering what they could want with you. the shorter-haired one’s smile grows wider once you speak. she has a rounder face than the other girl, her black bangs ending above her eyes that are currently crinkled at the corners. 

“are you waiting for anyone?” the other girl asks, the one with a long wolfcut and wide, hypnotizing eyes. definitely not sisters, you think, they look nothing alike. 

shaking your head, you softly murmur, “i’m not.”

“would you like to join us, then?” the wide-eyed one asks, a hopeful glint shining in her eyes. 

“i...i wouldn’t want to intrude,” you reply. your mouth curls into something apologetic, as if you’re the one burdening them despite them being the ones to ask you. this interaction feels weird, awkward, and a very large part of you wishes you could melt through the floor and disappear forever. 

“you wouldn’t!” straight black bob chimes in, hands clasped together on top of the table as she leans towards you. cheery, excitable. “we wouldn’t mind at all, really.”

you nod with a tiny, somewhat nervous grin as you take the seat closest to you, right next to wide-eyed wolfcut. you offer them your name, unsure what else to give them. your age? your profession? your deep-seated trauma? okay, definitely not that last one. 

“it’s nice to meet you,” straight black bob says, while the other chimes in with a soft hum of affirmation. “i’m chaewon.”

“and i’m sakura,” wolfcut adds with a dip of her chin.

hands placed snugly in your lap, you pick at your thumb nail. your back is stiff in the chair, and you hope they won’t notice. “it’s nice to meet you guys too. are you traveling together?” 

both of them giggle, glancing at each other for a moment before swiveling their eyes back to you. for a moment, you’re confused. why was that so funny? they look to be decent friends, at least from your limited interactions with them thus far.

“we actually just met a few minutes ago,” wolfcut — no, sakura claims. oh, so they’re not friends, then. “we ran into each other— like, quite literally ran into each other.”

“it was…kinda bad,” chaewon laughs before she takes a sip of water. “my ass is still sore.”

you huff a laugh at that, all air and no sound, and the conversation continues with a light-hearted air to it. as the minutes tick by, you learn that chaewon is a graduate student taking a gap semester, while sakura owns her own makeup line, a small business that is beginning to pick up speed thanks to social media. one lives in brooklyn—

“no way,” you gasp at chaewon. “where at?” 

sakura, meanwhile, resides in upper manhattan. even more information about them bombards your brain as all of you begin to eat, but you doubt you’ll remember most of it by tomorrow, even later today — it’s alright, though. the three of you have exchanged numbers (to create a group chat) and have basically promised to be travel buddies for the coming days. your cheeks hurt from smiling so hard, grateful to find kind, welcoming people on this train — you’d think that jennifer would like them. the way they interact with each other is somewhat reminiscent of your and jennifer’s friendship. friends…yeah, you can see the three of you becoming good friends. 

“can we see some of your art?” chaewon asks, bob shifting like a wave around her head as she shakes it. oh, yeah. you had briefly mentioned your profession, though shame barred you from sharing your reasons that led you to this train in the first place. 

you cringe. “oh, well—”

“i’m sure it’s great!” she continues. “c’mon, pleaseee?”

with sparkling doe eyes and hands clasped tightly together, it’s difficult to say no — and you don’t, shaking your head a little as you pull up your instagram account. while you’re proud of the pieces you’ve posted on there, they aren’t your most emotional. those ones are saved in your camera roll, and that is where they will stay, only for your eyes (and a very few select others) to see. they coo and aw as they swipe through, your phone placed on the table between them. heat rushes to your cheeks as you begin to pick at the remnants of your lunch sitting on your plate. deep down, their kind comments cause an unusual sense of guilt to invade your heart. why couldn’t you produce shit like that now? what the hell is wrong with you?

with a polite smile, you thank them and move to excuse yourself before your pathetic sense of self-pity can consume you. they seem a bit surprised by your abrupt exit, but they also take it in stride, offering to text you later for dinner. slipping from your seat, you send them a wave before setting off towards the door from which you initially came. 

*:･

you don’t know what spurred you to make a stop at your room and snatch your sketchbook from your backpack before heading to the observation car, but after a whole lot of sitting and not one speck of sketching, you kind of, sort of have started to hate yourself for that decision. 

the open page in your lap is abysmally blank. no marks, no little trees or lush fields or flowers or anything that you see speeding by outside the window. your pencil has been poised against the page for the longest time, dark gray dots scattered across the page where you would press the point of the pencil to start making a mark and subsequently give up. another hour with no progress ticks by, but you still can’t make it move. move, why won’t your hand just move? 

flipping it shut, you lean back in your seat with a deep sigh. you can’t force these things, you know that much, but that won’t stop you from trying — and failing — to produce something. you’d rather not dwell on that for too long, though. those thoughts are what got you here in the first place. instead, you allow your tense muscles to relax, your eyes to lose focus and blur, blobs of green and blue passing by your vision. soft murmurs from other passengers meld together into a wall of droning noise, soft and soothing. 

that is, until the sound of someone settling into a seat a couple away from your own pops your little bubble like a sharp, pointed pin pressing into the skin of a balloon. blinking your vision back into focus, you take a quick glance to your right and—

holy shit, he’s beautiful. a sloping nose and pink, plush lips, you wouldn’t be surprised if he was a model of some sort with a face like that. his dark, slightly outgrown hair frames his side profile perfectly, sweeping back towards the back of his head where it begins to curl down the back of his neck. there’s this sort of dreamy, ethereal quality to his looks, like the universe took it’s sweet time creating him, lovingly placed tiny little stars in his sable, fox-like eyes and kissed his skin with the sun’s gentle rays, a light pink dusted across his cheeks — or, at least, the one cheek that you can see. bulky headphones sit snugly over his ears as he simply watches the landscapes pass by, one long leg crossed over the other. before you register the movement of your hands, your sketchbook is flipped back open to that very same blank page you’d given up on mere moments ago, fingers gripping your pencil once more. fluid like water is how your hand moves across the page, capturing the unique shape of his eyes, his soft yet defined jawline, the slope of his neck…

for the first time in months, you lose yourself in your work, yet you don’t even register this small breakthrough. peeking back up at the beautiful stranger every once in a while, you slowly carve out his likeness on the page in front of you, begin to add his surroundings and even a background, shading with light, circular strokes as you go, building up the deposit of graphite where it is needed most, defining the shape of his pouty lips and the strong cupid’s bow that connects his top lip to his nose, mapping out the flow and shape of locks of hair with dark, daring strokes, graphite pressing hard into the page. you even add some flyways for good measure. in your frenzied bout of drawing, you have hunched over in your chair, an old habit that is rearing its ugly head now that you don’t have a standing easel to work with. straightening your aching spine, you sit back and observe your sketch, wondering if you have missed any defining details—

and when you move to look up and take in his features again, he is staring right back at you. 

oh.

oh, fuck. 

frozen in your seat, you can’t tear your gaze away from his own, a hint of concern swirling in his irises. his eyebrows raise, eyes slightly wide as he tilts his head. the corners of his pretty lips raise, parting as if about to speak — and he does.

“are you okay?”

his deep voice snaps you out of your stupor, flinching before you quickly flip your notebook shut and sent him a tight smile paired with a nod, eyes darting around to look everywhere but him. your heart just might leap out of your chest at this rate, tear open your sternum and collide with the floor. you almost wish it would. 

he’s frowning now, a wrinkle between his eyebrows. “uh, are you sure—”

without another glance at him, you stand, clutch your notebook and pencil tight enough that it presses marks into your skin, and book it straight out of there with swift and featherlight steps. you don’t look back, far too embarrassed to even consider it, not stopping until you reach your room. the door is slammed shut behind you, but the nerves-induced ache in your chest won’t fade. pressing the cool backs of your hands against your fiery cheeks, you resist the urge to slap yourself. what the fuck is wrong with you? you should’ve just answered him and apologized for staring. he probably thinks you’re some creep now, with your weird little notebook and lack of verbal response — and the way you left. god, if a hole opened up and swallowed you whole, that wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

“you are so fucking embarrassing,” you hiss, venemous words aimed straight at yourself, your head buried in your hands as you curl up on the bed. day one, day fucking one, and you’ve already made a fool of yourself in front of someone.

maybe you should stay in here for the rest of your trip.

day two.

“...why is it so big?”

chaewon is referring to cloud gate — or, rather, what is more popularly known as the bean — a terribly ugly, silver, oversized, bean-shaped art installation that sits in chicago’s millennium park. an art installation that you, quite frankly, despise mostly due to the artist behind the work. given that anish kapoor is an elitist prick who has shit on the art world with his wealth and hates when people call his piece the bean, you take great, overwhelming satisfaction in calling it that. 

her question — paired with her furrowed eyebrows — causes you and sakura to snicker to yourselves. you’re grateful that they texted you this morning, had forced you out of your room because you actually were going to go through with your staying-in-your-room-forever plan (for today, at least). this park is your first stop of many, but you really want to get this part over with so that you don’t have to see this gargantuan, chrome bean ever again. despite its ugliness, you can admit that the slightly warped, mirrored reflection of the city that it provides is kind of interesting to look at, and it makes for some cool pictures. 

(still, fuck anish kapoor. you refuse to give that man any credit.)

you end up taking a photo of you flipping it off from afar, sending it to jennifer with a smirk before helping the other two girls with some of their own photos. here, there’s no pressure to create, only to enjoy and experience what surrounds you, no matter how tourist-y it may be. 

sakura slings an arm over your shoulder and pulls you closer to her, arm extended out to take a selfie. your hand raises in a peace sign at the camera, smile bright and wide like the sun above. there’s not an inkling of worry in your expression — until you see him. 

the guy from yesterday, standing maybe ten feet away. he dons an unbuttoned striped shirt layered over a tank top which is tucked into baggy, dark wash jeans. a thin, black belt wraps around his waist, a small camera hanging from his neck, and his hair looks as perfect as yesterday, shiny and smooth under the unobstructed sunlight. thankfully, he hasn’t noticed you, but that doesn’t stop your smile from fading, your heart from hammering within your chest as your brain cruelly replays the events of yesterday afternoon in slow motion. you can’t face him right now. what if he comes up to you? what if he confronts you for your odd behavior in front of this crowd? these are worst case scenarios, sure, but they are potential outcomes nonetheless. as he begins to turn in your direction, you whip around, slipping from under sakura’s arm as you face the two girls. 

“you guys ready to go?” you ask, masking your worry with a tight grin. don’t ask why, don’t ask why, please don’t ask why.

“yeah, sure,” chaewon nods. “i think i’ve had enough of the bean.”

“same,” sakura laughs.

“we could grab lunch, then go to the aquarium and planetarium?” you suggest, one foot beginning to tap against the concrete as you look back and forth between them. are there eyes burning into the back of your head right now? you can’t tell, but the prickling on the back of your neck is not a promising sign. they look at each other, then back to you — a phenomenon that has rapidly become a habit for them — and agree. surging forward, your hands loop around their wrists closest to you, and begin to speed walk away. far away.

“uh, girl? this is the wrong way, we’re going deeper into the park,” sakura notes, heels digging into the concrete to slow you down. she’s right, you know she’s right, but you’re not particularly keen on turning around. 

with a sheepish grin, you say, “maybe we could take a walk through the park first?”

as if on cue, chaewon’s stomach emits an audible growl. 

“nevermind, then.”

turning around, you find the stranger facing your way, and for some reason, he’s already looking at you. his eyebrows raise in recognition the moment you make eye contact. all of a sudden, you wish that you could shrivel up and die. despite this, you rip your gaze from his and push forward, turning to speak to sakura so that you aren’t forced to glance in his direction. mission: avoid the stranger who now haunts your life — success!

goodbye, the bean and the guy who you embarrassed yourself in front of. hello, chicago-style pizza. 

*:･

you’re tired.

you’re tired and slightly more broke and your legs and feet ache to hell after the copious amount of walking you’ve done, but your day still isn’t over. no, despite the setting sun and rising moon, you still have one more activity on your itinerary — clubbing, by request of your newfound friends, though even they claim that they don’t often partake in the activity. similar to them, you’re more inclined to small get-togethers with wine, food from that thai place down the street from your apartment, and a good movie, but hey, this trip is all about experiencing new things. hell, maybe you’ll even enjoy it, who knows? at least, you’re going to try to, but the pain radiating in the soles of your feet and calves has worsened due to your high heels. the dress wrapped around your body is tight and flattering in all the right places, yet the hem rides up every few minutes as you walk. 

“the pessimism isn’t cute. quit it,” you hear jennifer’s voice echo inside your head, yet another phrase she’s uttered to you in the past. fine — on the bright side, you haven’t seen that good-looking stranger since the park. bam, positivity, go you.

sakura’s arm loops around yours as you reach the club that you collectively decided on earlier. her excited squeals at the prospect of alcohol (or, rather, more alcohol, since she pregramed a bit prior to leaving the station) and dancing are enough to bring on a weak headache that spreads across your temples. ibuprofen. you desperately need ibuprofen, but vodka will do just fine too — it’s the first thing you order at the bar, a straight shot with no chaser because at this point, you don’t care. let go, enjoy life, you internalize as you toss the sharp liquor down your throat, fatigue melting away as the alcohol enters your veins. 

cheers, jennifer. you still need to text her back.

one more downed shot later, and chaewon is dragging you to the dance floor. the bass pounds in your ears and vibrates the floor as the three of you sway to the upbeat songs. droplets of sweat begin to bead along your hairline, bodies packed so close together that it’s virtually impossible not to be jostled by a stray elbow or shoulder as you dance. if you were completely sober, it would be uncomfortable, but your hazy senses allow for you to overlook the sardine can that is called a club. it’s easy to lose yourself in the warm, heady air, in the way your hips bump between chaewon’s and sakura’s. inhibitions melt away — you’re free; no expectations weighing you down, nowhere to be, no one to be. only music, flashing lights, and the new, fruity drink in your hand, courtesy of sakura. 

“gonna take a breather!” you yell into chaewon’s ear, the alcohol finally catching up to you. she nods, yells words you can’t make out into sakura’s ear, and both of them begin to follow you out of the crowd. you sip at your drink as you push your way through, ducking under swinging arms and avoiding splashing drinks. the crowd thins as you grow closer to the edge of the dance floor until only scattered groups of friends remain.

“you didn’t have to come with me, y’know,” you say as soon as you reach a slightly quieter part of the club, taking a seat in an empty booth. “i can handle myself.”

“it’s better to stick together. less dangerous,” sakura refutes. some of the glitter that sits above her eyes had drafted down to her cheeks, glinting as a beam of bright light travels over the lower half of her face. “you never know what could happen in a club.”

chewing at the neon pink straw in your drink, you nod, “that’s true.” 

as chaewon and sakura fall into conversation, their words not quite reaching your ears, you silently scan the club. the darkness is cut by wild lasers and spotlights that whirl around and catch on the faces of countless strangers, their pearly, grinning teeth glinting and disappearing back into obscurity in a flash. you continue to nibble at your straw, vision hazy around the edges and an airy sensation in your limbs, as if you could float up to the ceiling. you look up at the multicolored lights, flashes of red and green and blue bombarding your vision, then back down towards the crowd.

and yet again, you find him in your sights. 

suddenly, your vision has a crystal clear clarity to it. button-down shirt wide open to reveal his toned torso, he smoothly moves to the beat with an intoxicated smirk painted on his lips, a small glass of amber liquor in his left hand. dark, outgrown hair, plush lips, those dark, dreamy eyes — that’s him. shit, that’s definitely him. 

“you’ve gotta be fucking kidding me,” you murmur, head collapsing into your arms on top of the cool wooden table. sakura jumps in her seat next to you, before scrambling to place a hand on your shoulder.

“are you okay?” she squeals near your ear, tacking on a worried call of your name when you don’t respond right away. honestly? you’re kind of not okay. you’re tired of encountering him at every turn and being reminded of your humiliating escape from him yesterday. you’re tired of him spotting you and sending you odd looks as if you’re the weirdest person he’s ever crossed paths with. you’re tired, you’re tired, you’re just so tired. 

you decided to go on this trip to get away from the mundanity of your day-to-day routine, to get over your spell of artist’s block and see new things, but maybe you bit off more than you can chew if you were going to allow one random person to ruin that goal for you. a random stranger shouldn’t have this much power over you. 

raising your head, you send them a half-hearted nod. “i’m fine. sorry.”

chaewon frowns, “are you about to throw up? ‘cause you look like you are.”

“you look like you’ve just seen a ghost,” sakura chimes in.

sighing, you shake your head. “i think— i think i need to use the bathroom.”

as you move to get up, they do as well — though you decide not to protest this time. there’s no point, really. your legs wobble a bit as you walk, face dropping once you notice that he is near the men’s restroom now, waiting outside right across from where you aim to go. head down, you scurry past him, ignoring how his eyes widen and his knuckles pale as he grips his drink tighter. chaewon and sakura are hot on your heels as you slip into the quiet bathroom. with the music from outside now muffled, you realize your ears are ringing. reaching a sink, you turn on the faucet and splash some water onto your face. hunched over the sink, your fingers grip the edge of the counter. deep breaths, now. deep breaths. this is likely the quickest you have ever sobered up, and the sensation is rendering you dizzy.

behind you, your friends exchange concerned looks through the mirror. sakura jumps into action first, coming up behind you and placing her hands onto your shoulders. with a gentle squeeze, she murmurs, “let’s get you back to the station.”

day three.

today, the observation car is devoid of life — and so is your body after yesterday. can you overdose by taking too much ibuprofen? you’re pretty sure that you can. 

last night is but a blur in your memory with few spots of clarity, but you do vividly remember panicking in the dimly lit bathroom as the girls fretted over whether you were going to vomit all over the floor or not. you hadn’t slept much once you returned to your room after exchanging drunken hugs with your friends, assuring them that you were, indeed, not going to throw up. after a few hours of restless sleep, you’d completely given up on proper rest — you have never slept all that well with alcohol in your system, so you’re not sure why you thought this time would be any different. 

you take a seat far away from the one you took last time. clad in your pajama bottoms and an oversized t-shirt, you’re grateful that no one else is here to see you at your worst: slightly hungover with dark circles the size of dinner plates. your legs fold up onto the chair so that your knees sit near your chest, your arms looping around your shins, fingers laced together. a deep sigh. a long blink. though the rest of the sky remains an inky black, the horizon morphs into a deep purple, the color of eggplant, almost. perhaps a smidge lighter. 

a door opens, its hinges faintly squeaking, before subsequently clicking shut. figuring it must be someone older, you do not bother with checking who entered; most people your age aren’t up this early, especially not willingly. instead, you keep your eyes trained on the ever-changing sky, chin resting upon your knees.

footsteps near you, and you assume that they will pass, but then they don’t. rather, they stand right in front of you.

“may i sit here?”

you have heard this voice before, just two days ago. unsurprisingly, he stands a mere few feet away, clad in a black tank top and gray sweatpants, a long finger pointed towards a seat. similar to you, small dark circles sit beneath his eyes, but he somehow makes them work. once you nod, one corner of his lips twitches upward before he sits down, a singular seat separating your bodies. his gaze burns the side of your face; your arms wrap around your legs tighter, your unwavering stare pointed out the window. silence envelopes the train car, tense and suffocating. your lungs tighten, prickly thorns sprouting within the thin membranes. your bottom lip may begin to bleed if you keep chewing at it so carelessly.

he breaks it first, shatters it like glass colliding with the floor, with five words:

“i’m really hungover right now.”

your brows furrow. why is he trying to strike up a conversation with you? why do you want to answer him? 

he continues before you can formulate a response, “i saw you at that club last night — you looked a little sick. are you okay?”

“peachy,” you curtly mumble, lips pursing. of course he remembers you; you did pass by him, after all, basically sprinted into the bathroom with the grace of a bull in a china shop. he hasn’t mentioned the park, but you know damn well he remembers that too.

you can sense the frown from his tone, confusion lacing the edges like delicate lace. his question is careful, slowly intonated as if he’s scared of pissing you off. “uh, did i do something wrong?”

you shake your head, not a single glance spared in his direction thus far. he hasn’t. your attitude is a direct result of your own actions, your own rampant anxieties. a pang of guilt punches you in the gut — he does not deserve your bitchiness when he, quite frankly, has done nothing but exist in relative proximity to you. 

“you haven’t,” you reply, voice meek. your eyes trace over the short fibers of the plain carpet below your seat. “i’m just— i’m sorry.”

the low rumble of the train fills the air again, no further words spoken between the two of you. there’s no clear way to explain yourself further, but your apology is sincere; with a brief peek, you find him staring out the window.

“can i ask why you keep running away whenever you see me?” the query lacks an accusatory edge. rather, curiosity and interest cushion his voice. maybe…maybe he doesn’t find you that strange, after all.

and finally, after two days of avoiding his gaze, you swivel your head to face him. you find a tilted head, a single humorous, raised eyebrow. despite yourself, you begin to smile. “honestly?”

“i’d prefer honesty, yes,” he grins.

“i—” you hesitate for a moment, then continue, “i was embarrassed.” a grimace paints your face, dragging your brows down and twisting your lips. “after, y’know…”

“running away the first time?” he supplies.

your mouth flattens into a thin line, a hand moving up to scratch your cheek. “yeah, that.”

laughter reaches your ears, partially nasally. rolling your eyes, your mouth splits into a grin. 

“i get it. i feel like i definitely startled you, so no hard feelings.” he pauses, starry eyes widening in what you believe is realization, “i never got your name.”

easily, you supply it, cheeks flushing with heat when he offhandedly comments that it’s pretty. if he notices your sudden flustered state, he doesn’t comment on it, and despite the warmth now slithering down your neck, you feel yourself relax back into your seat, legs leaving their curled up position to cross at the ankle in front of you. then, he offers his own. yeonjun — at long last, you have put a name to his handsome face. 

out of nowhere, he asks, “have you had breakfast?” 

shaking your head, you gesture to your pajama bottoms. “not yet, i was going to grab some after i changed.”

“i don’t know, i think the plaid pants are pretty fashionable,” he chuckles. you join him. “c’mon, i saw an old guy wearing boxers and a shirt in there yesterday. i’m pretty sure it’ll be fine.”

you giggle, “that’s kinda gross, but alright. let’s go.”

peering out the window again, you find that the sun has just peeked above the horizon, a wash of orange fading into blue, melting together like watercolor. smiling to yourself, you stand and begin to follow yeonjun towards the dining car.

*:･

you and yeonjun had gone your separate ways hours ago, but not without exchanging contact information. since then, he hasn’t stopped texting you, his talent at keeping any conversation going shining in direct contrast to your, well, lack of said talent. however, you do find yourself replying to him with ease — he makes it so easy to do so, mostly due to the fairly unorthodox topics he likes to bring up. currently, you’re talking about the animals that scare you the most. why? because that’s the nature of yeonjun’s conversation skills, you suppose.

another voice message pops up in your chat, about ten seconds long — one of his more obvious quirks. most of his messages are sent in this form, not that you mind. his voice is as pretty as the rest of him. heart-fluttering. okay, stop. you just met this guy. 

(jennifer always does say that you fall too easily. maybe she’s right.)

pressing play, his voice enters your left ear via your single earbud. “no because hear me out: dolphins have fooled you into thinking they’re nice. manipulated you. they literally torture their prey— and they use puffer fishes to get high! i can’t make this shit up. my fear is justified, i swear.”

under your breath, you chuckle, an elbow leaned against the dining table. after a long nap, you had texted the girls to see if they’d like to get dinner with you. of course, they said yes, but you decided to get here a bit early to grab an open table. the car is already packed as it is.

“what’re you laughing at?” unexpectedly, sakura’s head appears over your shoulder, trying to catch a glimpse of your phone. out of habit, you lock it, your reflections staring back at you through the black screen. as she sits next to you, chaewon, takes the seat across from you, elbows placed on the table and her hands supporting her chin. she sends you a knowing smile.

“is that your boyfriend?” she prods. the question causes your mouth to fall open for a moment before you snap it shut. 

“no!” you exclaim. “it’s just a friend.”

“sounds like a boyfriend,” sakura surmises, exchanging a conspiratory nod with the other girl. you release a groan, hands shielding your fiery hot face before you drag them up over your hair. 

“he’s not my boyfriend,” you shoot back. “we just met today.” two days ago, actually. if you can count that.

their mouths open in tandem, shock coloring their features. is this a big deal, or something? you aren’t even dating the guy. 

“you met a guy and didn’t tell us?” sakura grasps your arm with both hands, shaking the limb with a strength that shouldn’t be possible to come from her thin body. “you should’ve told us! we can be your wingwomen!”

“wingwomen?” you echo dumbly as you stare at her. wingwomen, as in, like, jennifer-style wingwomen? as in trying too hard to set you up with someone and ultimately embarrassing you in the end wingwomen? your love for jennifer knows no bounds, but she’s ruined the term for you long ago with her terrible luck. a shudder runs down your spine, and you grin nervously. “i don’t think that’s necessary.”

“of course it is! i’ve always wanted to do that for one of my friends, but they’re all taken already,” chaewon pouts, irresistible puppy dog eyes appearing. “c’mon, please?

“i doubt he’d want to date me, though? we’ve literally only talked once, so really, it’s okay.”

“once is enough,” sakura declares, suddenly tilting her body closer to yours. “tell us, is he cute? what’s his name?”

they’re obviously not going to let this go, and you have no power to really stop them. 

sighing, you officially give up, “yeonjun, and yes, i do.” unfortunately. 

chaewon claps her hands together, an audible smack! echoing from her palms. her smile is blinding, a supernova of pearly white teeth and pink, upturned lips. “perfect! we can work with that.” 

“i already have an idea: ask him to hang out tomorrow,” sakura says, and you send her an incredulous look, glancing at chaewon for a moment to find that she’s excitedly nodding along to the idea like an excitable puppy. her round eyes sure make her resemble one.

you shake your head. “i can’t do that, it’s too forward.”

rolling her eyes, sakura tosses her hands up in the air. “too forward my ass! how do you expect to bag him?”

“i don’t!”

chaewon chimes in, an open hand reaching towards you, “alright, give us your phone. we’ll text him for you.”

“absolutely not!”

ding!

it’s comical, how all three of you pivot your wide-eyed gazes to the phone clenched in your fingers. the flash of yeonjun’s name across the screen is enough to send your table into chaos. 

“open it!”

“what did he say—”

“calm down, oh my god!” you shriek, sending an apologetic look to the couple next to you when they look over. fingers fly over your keyboard until you’ve reached his contact. words, this time, no voice message. butterflies burst into your chest.

yeonjun: do you have anything planned for tmrw? 

after scanning over the message herself, sakura pokes at your shoulder. “tell him you don’t.” 

with a deep, heavy sigh, you do as she says.

[6:37 p.m.]: not yet, why?

“that’s too dry,” chaewon comments.

“shut up, i’m trying,” you hiss. it takes him a few minutes to respond, minutes in which you internally panic. was your text really too dry? in the meantime, you place your dinner order with a kind waiter that stops by, a hearty dish that you can drown your sorrows in the not-so-off chance that this goes terribly, terribly wrong. another ping sounds from your phone’s speakers, and time stops once you read what he sent. clocks stop ticking, you stop breathing, everything around you freezes.

yeonjun: do you wanna grab coffee in the morning then? :)

sakura sends you a sharp look. “i doubt he’d want to date me — are you seeing this right now? or do you need me to spell it out for you? this is a date, babe.”

“it’s not,” you counter weakly. you only (officially) met him today, so, “it’s really not.”

day four.

contrary to what sakura claimed, this is very much not a date — but you’re happy about it. 

he keeps a respectful distance between your bodies as you walk, you pay for your own coffee, and you pull your own chair out when you go to sit down. it’s simple, it’s friendly, it’s a bit awkward, but there’s some things you have to sacrifice when making new friends. the croissant you’ve decided on is on the drier side, a little too flaky. you nibble on it anyway in a poor attempt to ignore the silence that has fallen between you once again. this is why you try to meet people through other friends; at least in those situations, you have a buffer, someone who knows you and the other person well enough that they can find connections between you without having to dig. you hate digging — you’re the worst at it, hence the stifling quiet that permeates the air now.

the café is quaint, if a bit moody thanks to the lighting. outside the window, the denver street teems with people, and you decide to survey the passing strangers rather than look at the man sitting across from you. wisps of fluffy white clouds float high above, sometimes passing over the sun. you wish you had your supplies with you — this would make for a wonderful painting. 

click!

turning your head, you find yeonjun holding a camera, the lens pointed at…you? you hadn’t noticed it prior, so you are unsure where he got it from. it looks like the same one he had at the park. a bashful smile appears as soon as he places it on the table. “sorry, the lighting was perfect. can’t ever pass up a nice shot.” you study the camera for a moment, and he takes your lack of response as a sign to continue, “once i edit it, i can definitely send you a copy. do you wanna see it?”

a photographer. yeonjun is a photographer. you’re not sure why it’s taken you this long to realize. maybe because you’ve been avoiding him up until now? you think. shaking the thought away, you smile. “i’d love to see it.”

he presses a few buttons, a focused twist to his plush lips, before he’s sliding it over to your side of the table. he’s right: it was a nice shot, and while you don’t often enjoy how you look in photographs, he’s found an angle that highlights your best features as you gaze outside, a slight part to your lips and your eyes wide open, shining. the sheer amount of contrast between the dark café and your warm-lit face scratches an itch in your brain. you can see it now — the golden pigment wetting your brush before being placed on the canvas, being blended into an umber, almost black, but not quite. a splash of umber here, a hint of red there…

“is this your job?” you decide to ask. 

the sheepish expression returns in full force, but there’s a hint of pride in his eyes. he’s proud of his work. “yeah. i’m not, like, famous or anything, but i enjoy it. my mom said that when i was a baby, they put a stethoscope, a gavel, a camera, a microphone, and a test tube in front of me, and i chose the camera, so it was basically meant to be,” he chuckles, but, realizing that you’re staring at him, he pauses for moment. crimson paints the tips of his ears; it’s a color that you’re pretty sure sits in your travel set. “sorry, was that too much?”

“not at all,” you reply softly. “that’s a lovely story, yeonjun.” 

“thanks.” shyly, he bites down on his bottom lip, sucking it between his teeth before releasing it. a beat of quiet passes, then he’s asking, “how about you? what do you do for work?”

for some reason, the question looms over your head like a storm cloud. it’s unavoidable and dark and heavy. a bitter taste fills your mouth, different from the aftertaste of your coffee, but you try not to let your sudden drop in mood show. 

“i’m an artist, though i don’t think many people would consider me one nowadays,” you snicker, but the self-deprecating edge to your words is not lost on yeonjun. 

wrinkles form in the space between his brows. “what do you mean?” 

“i…” you trail off. you should tell him. you should rip the bandaid off and quit avoiding facing it for what it is. “i haven’t finished a piece in months. i feel stuck, almost? like nothing is resonating with me, if that makes sense. it’s the whole reason i went on this trip. it’s humiliating, not being able to draw a single thing without hating it— sorry, that’s definitely too much.” 

“no, no, you’re fine,” and he’s sincere in his reassurances. he doesn’t look at you like you’re some sort of failure for how you feel. he doesn’t spew out a hollow apology to absolve him of the weight you’ve transferred to his shoulders, nor does he seem to mind that he’s helping you burden it. his hand reaches over the table, hesitant for a moment, before his fingers curl over yours, his warm skin against yours. you stare at his hand, but you don’t move away from his touch, allowing him to give your hand a delicate squeeze. looking back up, you sit frozen under his gaze. it warms your insides, melts the icy shards solidifying in your lungs that make it hard to breathe. “none of that makes you less of an artist. it’s something every artist goes through — hell, i’ve gone through it, and it’s okay to feel that way. it’s real and it sucks to feel like you can’t accomplish anything, but there’s nothing wrong with it. eventually, it will pass on its own, but until then, it’s not a sin to lean on others for support.”

tears almost, almost prick your eyes. however, you push them down; there’s no way you’re going to cry in public, in front of him. absolutely not. he squeezes your hand one more time, his thumb brushing over yours, before pulling away. “and if no one else will listen, i will.”

“thank you,” you croak out, blinking rapidly, taking a long sip of coffee in order to buy yourself a few precious seconds to cloak your emotions. a calm veil falls over your face soon enough, and while you hate to be the one to change the subject, you feel like you should. “do you want to go on a walk? it’s too nice out to stay in here all day.”

he doesn’t question the sudden change, humming in confirmation as he scoots his chair back. “it really is nice out. do you have any other plans?”

“not really,” you say, pushing the door open. the warm breeze caresses your face. “i’m trying to be spontaneous—”

“y/n!”

sakura and chaewon appear to your left, each carrying a couple bags that look to be stuffed with clothes. you vaguely remember them mentioning going thrifting, but you didn’t know that they’d be in the same part of the city as you. chaewon comes in for a hug, whispering into your ear, “he’s cute.”

glancing up at yeonjun, sakura feigns ignorance, “who’s this?” 

thus, your friends meet the one man you’d rather keep them away from, if only to prevent their wingwomen shenanigans. you have zero clue what they have planned, but you’re sure none of it can be good. 

“we were just on our way to the botanical gardens,” chaewon sings. “if you’d like to join usss.”

wordlessly, you and yeonjun communicate, only raised eyebrows and tilted chins. somehow, you understand exactly what he’s trying to convey. do you want to? do you? i don’t mind if you don’t. alright, let’s do it.

when you do arrive at the gardens, yeonjun’s fingers find your wrist, holding you back for a moment. his free hand gestures to the camera hanging around his neck. “mind being my model for the day?”

you blink. you, his model? “oh, um. i think chae and kkura are a bit more qualified—”

“no way,” he laughs. “i’m the professional here, and i want you. no one else will do.”

i want you — god, those three, simple words send a visceral shiver down your spine. a want, a need, an overwhelming desire for…you’re not even sure, but something all-consuming blooms behind your sternum like a moonflower in the night. with a coy dip of your head, you smile to yourself, allowing the feeling to surge through your veins, consume every fiber of your being.

“alright, mr. professional. lead the way.”

*:･

it’s early in the evening when you return to the station in a giddy haze, arm looped around yeonjun’s. the photo session had been a success; by the end, you were drunk on the compliments he aimed your way, on the way he treated you like glass as he directed you into a specific pose, the fleeting sensation of his fingertips pressing into your skin burned into your memory. 

closing the door to your room, you press your back into it, squeal into your palms like you did when you were sixteen and harboring a silly little crush. because that’s all it is right now, really: a foolish crush on a man that you probably won’t see again after this trip. you can fantasize all you want, but in the end, that’s what it is. those invading negative thoughts get drowned out by the movie playing behind your eyelids — a replay of the day. you swear you can feel every touch of his skin against yours, every ray of sunshine that kissed your skin and gifted you its warmth. scurrying over to your bag, you locate your supplies. 

and you begin to paint. 

a flurry of lilacs, a blurry figure among them all, defined only by a flowing white button up and brown, wide leg trousers, black streaks of hair and nothing more. yellow daffodils and vibrant emerald sweetgrass take shape, a cerulean sky, fluffy clouds. it’s messy and you kind of hate it, but it’s something. something is on the canvas, it’s dynamic, it has character.

“okay,” you mumble, staring at the brushstrokes, going over them again and again. “okay.”

day five.

“can i draw you?” 

a spur of the moment question, borne from the golden sunset gracing his cheeks, highlighting strands of his hair. the day has passed quietly today, mostly spent in your room sketching to your heart’s content. though mostly inconsequential doodles paired with terribly cheesy words of prose that even your most romantic friends would scrunch their noses at, these exercises in creating without a specific goal in mind seem to be helping. a part of that gray fog over your world has been wafted away by an invisible hand, and everything is a bit more vibrant, closer to its true hue; while nothing about your creations are particularly special or groundbreaking, going on this trip is now beginning to prove its worth. 

yeonjun’s head tilts, and you shrug. “what? i need practice.”

“okay, as long as you promise to show me afterward,” he challenges, and you immediately shake your head. 

“i’m only going to show it to you if it turns out well,” you decide. you think back to the painting sitting in your room, still a bit wet, the paint overworked to hell. that one is staying a secret. it’s not good enough to be known by anyone else — and certainly not by him.

“then no deal.” when you give him a pleading look, he raises his hands. “i show you my pictures, you show me what’s going on in that sketchbook, it’s only fair.”

“fine,” you hiss, fishing your sketchbook from your bag. “get comfortable, and don’t even think about moving.”

“harsh.”

with a suppressed grin, you take in the planes of his face. he’s shifted to face you, intent eyes trained on you, which makes your job harder. gulping, you raise an arm, mapping out his proportions with a thumb. the process of pressing intentional marks into the page is a slow one, exacerbated by his unwavering stare. you have to look out at the mountains every once in a while to allow oxygen back into your lungs, and even then, the action proves difficult. graphite scratching paper is backed by the low murmur of other passengers in the observation car as you work, capturing the fading light that casts shadows across his face. however, your creative juices quickly run out, likely sapped by your painting escapade that extended far into the night. the shape of his eyes isn’t quite right, and no matter how much you erase and try again, there’s always a slight detail off about it. too narrow, too round, too—

the tip of the pencil snaps, the point rolling across the page and falling onto the floor. you curse under your breath. 

“is it done?” yeonjun asks, leaning forward. his hands gently take your sketchbook from your lap before you can protest, and you watch as his expression shifts from neutral to slack-jawed. 

“that’s…you’re…wow,” he starts, then never finishes. he still hasn’t torn his wide eyes away from the page, flitting around as he drinks in every miniscule detail, while you pinpoint every single thing wrong with the drawing.

“it’s bad,” you deadpan. “give it back, i need to fix it.”

he frowns. you seem to make him do that a lot. “there’s nothing to fix.”

“there’s everything to fix.”

“it’s literally a carbon copy of me,” he counters. “you’re crazy.”

“says the one who can’t see the shape of his eyes right now. the lash line isn’t straight enough at the top, the nose isn’t quite right, the hair lacks form. it’s terrible.”

for the first time since you met him, yeonjun is annoyed. eyes narrowed and dark, he locks his gaze into yours, throws away the key. you can’t move while he tosses the worn sketchbook back into your lap, a hand running through his hair, locks raising with his fingers and flopping back down into his face.

“i know what it’s like to be your own worst critic,” he says, voice soft like a lullaby, standing in direct contrast to his firm expression. “but it’s one thing to be critical of your art, and another to resent it. you’re a wonderful artist, y/n. talented isn’t enough to describe you, but negativity is going to get you nowhere. it holds you back.”

he’s right — you loathe that he is, and you more so hate how he sounds just like jennifer. your nails skirts the fraying edge of the leather cover in your laps, picking at it like you would with skin, peeling cracked flakes off to reveal a soft underbelly of lighter-colored suede. wine red versus warm tan. you feel like you’re being admonished, a child who’s misbehaved. you feel small, but at the same time, you need to hear it. you’ve been coddled enough. 

“i used to hate my stuff too, y’know. never thought it was ever that special, but that’s what made me underestimate myself. that’s what made me settle for less, that’s what made me lock my camera away in my closet for the longest time until i felt i was ‘ready’ to use it — but who was i to say i was ready? how do you know when you are? honestly, you don’t. you won’t ever know. all you can do is create and create and hope that you eventually make something that you’re proud of. until then, you keep trying, you figure out what’s working, what isn’t, and go from there. in the end, everything you create is a reflection of you, and that’s the beautiful thing about art. it bares your soul, it strips you down to the rawest parts of yourself that you may despise right now — but it’s still you. and don’t you think you deserve to give yourself some grace?”

his words strike a place deep within you, an ache beginning in the center of your chest and snaking out like the roots of a tree into your stomach and throat. you do deserve some grace, don’t you? you don’t spew venomous words towards your friends or strangers every day, yet you do it to yourself without a second thought. why? you bring yourself and your skills down any chance that you get. why? your art is merely an extension of yourself — is this how you forever want to feel whenever you are drawing? whenever you’re sculpting a piece? no, not at all. your head raises. 

“have you ever thought about becoming a public speaker?”

he lets out an incredulous scoff, but there’s still an inkling of teasing in his tone, “is that all you got from my mini speech? i thought it was amazing. life-changing, even.”

“no,” you deny with a tight-chested laugh. “but there’s not much more to add. you’ve said it all for me.”

the passing mountains are purple now, the greenery a muted magenta. in this moment, you decide the yeonjun is an enigma; untouchable, unreachable — standing too close to his bright, technicolor world would burn your muted one to the ground. if you are icarus, then he is the sun sending you plummeting down into oblivion.

but you want to touch him, you want to burn.

you want to feel alive again.

“let me draw you again,” and maybe it won’t be your best. maybe the slope of his chin will be crooked, maybe the intrinsic sparkle in his eyes won’t be quite right, but there’s a conviction present in your tone that causes him to smile.

day six.

“are you really trying to have a dick measuring contest with the seals right now?”

san francisco’s iconic pier 39 is abustle with tourists, but you and yeonjun are currently at the very back of the pier, where seals soak in the sun on little wooden docks constructed just for them. at the moment, yeonjun is trying to out-seal the seals with loud barks and hoots, mimicking their distinctive sounds. yeonjun is still making noises, people are starting to stare, and you are beginning to want to climb over the wooden fence and jump straight into the ocean. 

“yeonjun, please stop,” you plead, hands gripping the sleeve of his t-shirt, yet he doesn’t stop, honking back at the seals once they respond. you tug a bit harder. “c’mon, people are staring. the seals don’t care how loud you are, you’re not proving anything.”

“i’m proving a lot of things right now, actually,” he quips before he’s going back to making noises that are unbecoming of a human being. this feels like a cruel form of exposure therapy.

you try pulling at his sleeve again. “c’mon, yeonjun.” and again. “yeonjun!”

“okay, okay, i’ll stop,” he cackles, turning to face you. he’s close — too close to be considered platonic. his hands could come up and hold your waist right now, pull you closer into his chest. it causes you to take a step back, and it’s as if he can sense the heat radiating from your cheeks, leaning down towards you with a smirk. “you embarrassed?”

“of course i’m embarrassed,” you hiss. “how are you not?”

shaking his head, his grin grows impossibly wider. “if i buy you lunch, will you forgive me?” 

pretending to think, you look off to the side, then back to him. of course you will. “maybe.”

“i’ll take that as a yes,” he laughs as he falls into step next to you. the air is much cooler here than at your other stops, a gray blanket of fog rolling in on the horizon that cuts into the clear blue sky. he sends you a hopeful look as he asks, “y’feeling clam chowder?”

with a tiny shrug, you confess that you’ve never had it before. with a dramatic hand placed against his chest, he gasps, “you live in the northeast, and you’ve never tried it? that has to be some sort of crime.”

chowder hut is his restaurant of choice, a circular, well, hut that sits by its lonesome across from the infamous pier. it’s a place he used to go when he lived in san jose and took day trips here with his cousins, he claims. the restaurant holds a lot of fond memories for him, this whole city does. you wonder what those memories entail.

“i got you a small one in case you don’t like it,” yeonjun says as soon as he returns with your food. a tray is placed in front of you: a round sourdough loaf carved into to create a bowl, filled with cream-colored, steaming-hot chowder thick with chunks of potatoes, pieces of bacon, and, of course, clams. digging a spoon in, you take your first bite — clean, briny, slightly sweet, bursting across your taste buds like tiny little firecrackers. your eyes widen at the taste, buzzing in delight against the spoon poised to your lips. he grins. “it’s good, right?” 

you hum in agreement, swallowing another spoonful. you’re crazy for never having tried this before. twenty-four years of living, and you had no idea what you were missing out on. you’ve missed out on a long of things, it seems, but you’re beginning to catch up on them with the help of yeonjun — as well as sakura and chaewon, of course. you could never forget about them.

“you’re forever going to be connected to clam chowder in my mind now, i hope you know that,” you say, tearing into the walls of the bread bowl. the remnants of the salty chowder have soaked into the bowl, mixing perfectly with the tanginess of the bread. yeah, you wouldn’t forget this in a million years; it’s too delicious to forget. 

“you do that too?” he asks. you send him a questioning glance. “like, connect people to food.”

“yeah, i guess i do,” you ponder. “my mom reminds me of this one dish she always made me as a kid. my best friend reminds me of wine, since that’s what we drank when we first met. it’s also her favorite. and now you…remind me of clam chowder.”

he chuckles, “great, i’ll always be the clam chowder guy to you.”

you giggle back. “it’s not a bad title to hold. you could be, i don’t know, the terrible clam chowder guy.”

“fair enough. i’ll take it,” he declares before he shoves the last piece of his bread bowl into his mouth. his cheeks puff out, similar to a chipmunk, and you resist the urge to chuckle at the image in your head. “now that i think about it, i don’t do it with just people — a lot of my fondest memories are connected to food, too. something human about it, y’know? food is its own form of love. or, at least, i think it is.”

“no, i completely agree. there’s something special about sharing food with others — it’s kinda intimate, i guess? especially if you’re cooking for someone, those are some of the most vivid memories for me.” 

nodding along with you, he’s leaning forward, elbows resting against the table. the corners of his lips quirk up. “you get it. the intimacy of it, i mean. my mom has always said that food is the best way to a person’s heart — food brings people together. it’s amazing.”

“yeah,” you beam. “it really is.”

for a moment, conversation ceases, the two of you smiling at each other, leaning forward over the table. your mouth opens to speak, but a loud caw draws your attention away from his hypnotizing eyes. you watch a seagull swoop in to harass a man that sits two tables over, his glasses skewed on his face as he tries to keep the bird from stealing his food. arms wave everywhere while the seagull screeches at him, flapping its wings on top of the man’s head. after a brief second of shock, the sight has you nearly doubling over with laughter, unflattering shrieks sounding from your throat. it takes a minute for your giggles to subside. while you wipe a tear from your lash line, you look back at him — and freeze.

he’s staring at you like you hung the stars in the sky, chin supported by his palm. his mouth curves into something serene and fond, hooded eyes scanning your face as you stare back. you’re no longer smiling, mouth parted as you wait for him to say something, anything. he doesn’t, so you move to break the intense air brewing between you.

“is…is something wrong?” with a flinch, his eyes blink rapidly for a second, coming back into focus. he sits up straighter, leaning into the back of his chair.

“i just— nevermind. sorry, spaced out there for a second,” his chin dips towards his chest before rising again, the tips of his ears flushing cherry. he looks nervous, almost. “um, if you’re up for it later, we could grab dinner at this korean restaurant i used to go to? it reminds me a lot of my parents. i think you’d like it.” 

while you’d rather ask where his head is at right now, what he was going to say before he stopped himself so abruptly, you say, “i’d love that.”

*:･

he was right, you do like it. 

the restaurant is cozy, a little hole-in-the-wall in the heart of the city where less tourists roam. the food is delicious, flavorful meats and fluffy rice and various veggie side dishes that you can’t stop eating. as he snaps some photos of the place, he tells you the decor reminds him of restaurants in seoul, of the mom-and-pop shops he’d frequent there. that at some point or other, some of the owners would start recognizing him when he came in and gave him extra food free of charge. 

“so you lived there for a while? in korea?” you ask as you watch him some meat for the two of you to share. the action is second nature to him, each piece staying on the grill for the same amount of time, flipped only once. you bring a piece to your mouth — it’s perfectly cooked.

“i was born there, in a town near seoul,” he says through a mouthful of rice. “moved around a bit, but i lived in seoul for most of it ‘til i was eighteen. then i moved to new york for college, but dropped out after two semesters to pursue photography. it’s been six years since i moved to the states.”

“you said you lived in san jose for a while earlier.” you tilt your head at him. “when was that?”

“ah,” he starts. “i studied abroad when i was in elementary school and stayed with some family there— do you want some more meat? i can order more.”

your meat supply has dwindled down to two pieces. there’s still room in your stomach, so you nod. “sure.”

he calls over the sole server on shift, speaking to him rapidly in his native tongue. the server glances over at you for a brief second before focusing back on yeonjun. out of their entire conversation, you recognize one word: friend. it’s a term that jennifer taught you a while ago, one that has stuck with you because she now likes to jokingly call you that every now and then. an inside joke between the two of you.

when the server leaves, yeonjun is left a flustered mess. your eyebrows raise. “why’s your face so red? what’d he say?”

“nothing! it’s just from the kimchi! it’s really spicy here,” he quickly claims before he’s gulping down half a glass of water. you, quite frankly, don’t buy it for a second, but choose not to pry. 

day seven.

of course, at least one thing has to go wrong on a trip like this. mechanical problems with the train has rendered everyone stuck in the golden city until tomorrow morning, at which another train will take over the rest of the trip. the station is across the bay, so amtrak has given every passenger a voucher to pay for a night’s stay at various hotels across the city — customer’s choice, no less. to be safe, you choose the one closest to the bar chaewon and sakura want to check out tonight. once you told yeonjun where you decided to stay, he used his voucher there as well. he wants to stay near you, he says, to make it easy to find each other.

today, the girls join you and yeonjun at pier 39. they partake in bread bowls, they watch yeonjun embarrass himself at the seal docks, they send you knowing looks when he pays for your food. when yeonjun finds a street performer with a dance mat and wastes no time in starting a battle against the guy, they tell you that he’s trying to impress you.

“he’s not,” you whisper to them. “that’s just how he is. i promise.”

night begins to fall, and they suggest going to a bar for dinner, more for the drinks and not the food. you accept, and in turn, so does yeonjun — though you immediately regret not thinking the decision through more. the bar is dangerous. not in an external hazard sense, but in more of a you’re scared of getting drunk and vomiting your blossoming feelings onto his shoes type of sense. you keep your drinking to a minimum, still on your first drink an hour in. next to you, however, yeonjun is starting to collapse in on himself, hunched over the counter of the bar as his third drink kicks in. a giggle bubbles up from your throat. you never pegged him to be a lightweight. 

“let’s get you some water,” you gently suggest, a comforting hand on his shoulder. waving the bartender over, you ask for a glass, helping him sit up and take a sip. his chin falls onto your shoulder this time, eyes hazy as he looks up at you with a dopey smile. 

“you’re really pretty, did y‘know that?” he slurs, leaning further into you as an arm wraps around your waist. his barstool screeches across the floor, shifting closer to yours. you freeze as shock fills your veins, nerve endings beneath his touch on fire. he pokes your warm cheek. “s’pretty.”

you blink. hard. “yeonjun, you’re drunk—”

“no ‘m not. ’m perfectly— ‘m perfectly fine,” the words stumble out of his pouty lips drenched in fatigue, his tone whiny and petulant, as he turns in his seat to wrap his other arm around your waist, forehead now sagging against your shoulder. your body stiffens up, tense muscles frozen in place as he continues his delirious ramblings. 

“i need to go to the bathroom!” you all of sudden exclaim, attempting to pry his arms off of you. he only squeezes you tighter, whining how you can’t leave here alone. you sigh, patting his hair, “you could wait outside?”

he accepts the offer, but doesn’t remove his arm from your waist as both of you stand. despite his almost six foot tall frame, you are forced to support him as he stumbles along towards the bathrooms and pray that you don’t twist an ankle in the process. when you reach the women’s bathroom, he still doesn’t let go. 

“nooo, don’t leave meeee,” he whines, pulling you back into his chest while your hand grips the door handle. calling his name, you slip your hands beneath his and grab them to pull them off of you.

“i’ll be right back, i promise,” you say once you situate him against the wall, his shoulder hunched and his head hanging down towards his chest. you give him a worried pat on his head before disappearing into the bathroom. in reality, you do not have to go. instead, you stand in front of the mirror, taking in your blown out eyes, feeling a scorching heat encase your face and spread down towards your chest. he’s drunk, you remind yourself. he doesn’t know what he’s saying. 

you wash your hands once. twice. three times, allowing the cool water to run over your heated skin. you splash some on the back of your neck. calm down. calm the fuck down. 

you are, indeed, not able to calm the fuck down before a flurry of knocks reverbates against the door. yeonjun’s voice follows soon after, asking if he can come in, if you’re okay. “why have you been gone for so longggg? i miss you!”

“no! don’t come in!” you yell, glad that all of the stalls are vacant. making your way back over to the exit, you wrench open the door and find him standing there, fist raised in the air as if he was going to knock again. 

he blinks once. then, an impossibly wide grin splits his face. “you’re back!”

stepping forward, you allow the door to swing shut behind you. arms wrap around you once again, but this time, you stumble backwards into the wall. when you look up, his face is just above yours. 

oh.

oh, fuck. 

this feels like a repeat of day one all over again, you trapped under his gaze, but this lacks the distance of that day. the unfamiliarity with each other. his hands haven’t left your waist, fingers pressing into your flesh over your thin dress, while the wall presses into your back. you have nowhere to go, but maybe you’re more drunk than you initially thought, because his lips look very inviting right now. you watch his eyes trail down to your parted lips, then back to your eyes, tongue darting out to swipe over his bottom lip. his eyelids hood his dark, hazy pupils. the muscles in his neck contract, his adam’s apple bobbing as he leans closer, an electric attraction between your lips. you tilt your head, eye fluttering shut, moving closer, closer…

“y/n! there you are!” 

yeonjun jumps away from you as chaewon rushes up to you. her hands find your shoulders as she cries, “kkura twisted her ankle really bad! can you help me?”

you turn your head towards yeonjun, then back to chaewon, whose wide, rounded eyes plead you to come with her. “okay,” you say softly. “let’s go.”

yeonjun follows close behind, and all you can think of is what would have happened if chaewon didn’t show up. sakura’s ankle ends up being fine, and getting her back to her hotel room isn’t too difficult given the close proximity of the hotel. 

*:･

four days. four days you have known yeonjun, but it feels like it’s been years since you met each other. that fact strikes fear into your heart, remembering that the last time that this fast burn of feelings in your heart occurred, you ended up a brokenhearted mess for months. if yeonjun is the sun, his overwhelming heat melting you down into a puddle, then beomgyu was a black hole, all-consuming and ripping pieces of you away when he abruptly up and left. you’re unsure if you can go through that again, but at the same time, yeonjun doesn’t give off the impression of a drifter who wouldn’t tell you he’s leaving until after the fact. he’s a constant, a steady fortress. reliable, enduring. 

“good night,” yeonjun murmurs, both of you standing in front of your door. 

“good night,” you parrot back, rocking back on your heels, but you don’t really want him to go. knowing that isn’t realistic, you settle for opening your arms up towards him. for the first time, he hugs you good night, his lithe arms wrapping around your waist while he presses a drunken kiss into the crown of your head, and a feeling of being home washes over you. 

day eight.

he sits closer to you now. no longer is there a gap that separates your bodies, a full chair between the two of you. now, he sits right next to you, thigh brushing against your own. his hand sometimes finds your knee, never too high on your leg, never uncomfortable. just…there, his thumb rubbing soothing circles into the skin. neither of you mention what transpired between you last night, his affectionate words, the mere centimeters that separated your lips before chaewon interrupted. nevertheless, an unspoken barrier between you has broken, its bricks torn down by the hands of intoxication — due to alcohol, but also because of each other.

the almost-kiss replays in your mind in a constant loop; the woody citrus of his cologne is still strong in your nose, the warmth radiating from his flushed cheeks a phantom against your skin. you want to talk about it. you want to rip open the memory like a pomegranate for the two of you to share, but you don’t. you don’t know what you would do if you ruined…whatever this is that you and him have going on. he’s become a sort of constant in your life that you don’t think you can live without. you like him; you can admit it now. what you feel is not just a mere attraction anymore, an artistic appreciation for his unique features. he brings out a brighter part of you, a part that has been buried deep into your soul over the years, beneath layers of grime and dirt and negative experiences that you won’t let go of. the gray film over your eyes has been wiped clean by him, him and his beautiful heart he so easily bares to others. his heart that is so full of love — love for being alive, love for others — you wonder if any of that love could ever be for you one day.

he watches you sketch, you let him snap photos of you doing so. you share a small bag of chips, greasy fingers brushing against each other during those times in which you both reach in tandem. for hours, you sit together in a silence that is no longer awkward, but soft and tender. shoulder against shoulder, skin against skin. words aren’t required, your actions speaking for themselves. you bask in it all.

day nine.

the space needle isn’t that impressive.

you’re sure it’s a much better experience when you’re at the top, but yeonjun shares a fear of heights with you, so there’s no way in hell either of you are going up there. instead, you stand beneath it, amongst an ever-moving sea of seattleites and tourists, and wait for chaewon and sakura to come back down from the tall building. 

at the beginning of this trip, you’d allow for a few feet of space between your bodies, but slowly, it’s diminished to a scant few inches. you don’t really register this gradual change, as natural as it was. every once in a while, his pinky brushes against yours. neither you nor yeonjun move to do anything about it, either by pulling away or linking them together — a state of limbo that is befitting for a pair of strangers falling for each other. to make the dive into the unknown or to stay on the surface where it’s safe, that is the question.

“how much longer do you think they’ll be?” you ask, staring up at the pointed top of the tower. the sky is gray today, a bit chilly, but it’s an expected sight in washington during this time of year. “i’m getting hungry.”

yeonjun huffs a laugh, lightly elbowing your bicep. “maybe we could grab something real quick. i saw this taco truck nearby—”

“y/n? is that you?”

you’d recognize that deep timbre anywhere. the man that dropped your heart on the floor and vanished from the earth before he could watch the aftermath, the man that you never wished to see ever again.

turning around, you find beomgyu.

your phone slips from your hand, clattering against the concrete — but you can’t bring yourself to check if the screen has shattered. instead, yeonjun grabs it for you, rising with it as he anxiously asks if you’re okay. you don’t answer, too busy staring at the man now standing before you. he’s changed; his shorter hair has grown out past his ears, dyed a warm brown, though his black roots are apparent; soft pastel pullovers and light jeans have been swapped out for black slacks and a dark brown leather jacket, clothing choices more mature than when you last saw him. why is he here? you thought he lived in san francisco — you would’ve been less shocked to run into him there, but in seattle? 

“i moved here a few months ago.” shit, did you say that out loud? “i could ask you the same thing.”

“i’m on a trip,” you quickly answer, no further explanation leaving your mouth. 

he nods nonchalantly. you think you see his eyes flit to yeonjun for a second. “cool, cool.” 

“yeah.” why won’t he walk away already? your feet are glued to the cement, jaw tense as you try not to cry. the memory of him texting you that he had left the city and things between you won’t work out come rushing back. why now? how can he show his face to you after all he’s done?

he nods again. “are you here for long?”

“just— just for today.”

“well, i’d love to catch up with you before you leave. i’ve missed you a lot. maybe we could grab dinner tonight?” his smile is soft, hopeful — manipulative, in a way.

“i’m actually pretty busy today,” you begin, but of course, you have no idea how to tell him no. “but maybe if i’m free later.”

“great!” he exclaims, hands now in his trouser pockets. he looks over at yeonjun again, the upward curve of his lips flattening. “i need to get going, but i’ll text you later. you still have my number, right?”

“i think so.”

“cool.” his smile grows excited. “see you later, then.” beomgyu turns to walk away with a confidence in his strut that he didn't have when he lived in new york. when he was dating you. how shameless can he be? soon enough, he disappears into the crowd. blinking, you wonder if that really just happened, turning back toward yeonjun. his jaw is set, eyes still staring at the point where beomgyu vanished. the gray clouds feel suffocating now. the cool air constricts your lungs. you want the cement to open up and swallow you when his hardened eyes turn to you.

“who was that?” yeonjun asks, tone casual, but there’s a…jealous? edge to his question. you’re looking into things too much — there’s no way he’s jealous right now. 

“...my ex,” and it hurts you to admit it. his eyes darken as he utters a soft “oh.” you sigh, “yeah.”

he won’t look at you anymore. why won’t he? you didn’t do anything wrong. you had no control over beomgyu showing up. he purses his lips. “are you gonna meet up with him?”

your head shakes on its own, words escaping before you can think about them. “i don’t know, yeonjun.” 

“okay.” biting his lip, he turns so that he faces the space needle again, stepping away from you. you feel like strangers again, an ocean of distance between you bodies. “yeah, okay.”

*:･

you don’t meet up with beomgyu.

meanwhile, yeonjun is nowhere to be found. after the beomgyu incident, the two of you waited in tense silence for your other friends to return. he then made up some lame excuse to leave, and didn’t turn back when you called his name. you haven’t seen him for the rest of the day, even when you return to the train. he won’t respond to your texts. eventually, you stop sending them; he obviously needs space for whatever reason, so you will give him it. 

the terrible, painful thought of ruining everything you had with him sits in the forefront of your mind, taunting you. the girls try to distract you, showing you silly tiktoks and youtube videos and the like, but you simply offer them a half-hearted huff each time. once you explain what transpired while they were gone, however, their tune changes a bit. 

“y/n, i’m going to be very honest, and i need you not to take it personally,” sakura replies. though your head lays on top of your folded arms, you signal that you are listening with a bob of your head. she continues, “your response wasn’t the best. it probably confused him, and now he doesn’t know if you’re still hung up on this guy or not. if one of his exes came up to him while with you, and he told you he didn’t know if he was going to meet up with them later or not, how would you feel?”

“shitty,” you mumble into your forearm. 

“exactly. so give him space for now, and when he reaches out, explain and apologize. you owe him that much.” sakura sounds just like jennifer — they’d definitely get along. 

“i know. i will.”

the waiter comes around with water, and you order a strong cocktail to go along with your dinner.

day ten.

“has he texted you back yet?” sakura asks for the thousandth time today.

when you shoot her a defeated glare, she gets her answer. no, of course he hasn’t. he hasn’t responded to you since he left. “you said to give him space.”

“yeah, but i didn’t know he’d fall off the face of the earth,” she shoots back. sighing, you tip your head back against the wall next to her bed. a lake passes outside, surrounded by tall grass and trees. small hills rise behind the blue expanse, but you don’t feel the same urge to grab your sketchbook and translate the view onto the page anymore. it’s funny, how easily one person can affect your mood, turn everything upside down with the mere lack of his presence in your life. 

“he just needs time.” chaewon opens a can of soda with a pop! and takes a sip. “maybe it affected him more than we realize.”

“‘cause that makes me feel sooo much better.” sarcasm drips from your voice. “i’m such a fucking idiot.”

there’s a half-day stop in glacier national park tomorrow. will you see him, or is he going to avoid you for the rest of this trip? will you ever see him again? the emotions that swirl within you are reminiscent of how you felt before you met him. that grayness. that sinking sensation festering in your chest that claws it’s way down into your stomach and shreds it apart. you said that you wanted to burn, you wanted it to hurt, but this feels all too fast. too much.

sakura makes a noise in disagreement. “no, it shows that he cares about you. you just have to make sure you clear things up with him, and tell him that you like—”

“if you’re going to tell me that i need to confess my feelings to him, i really don’t think i can do that.”

“why?” chaewon prods. “what’s stopping you? he obviously likes you too.”

beomgyu. beomgyu is the fucking reason why. you can’t bare your heart to someone again, lest you get hurt all over again. after all that has happened, if yeonjun doesn’t reciprocate, it will confirm your worst fears — that you aren’t built to receive love, no matter how hard you try to mold yourself into a person that is deserving. dread churns in your stomach, rises into your throat like bile, acidic and fervid, as thoughts of worst case scenarios where you pour your heart only to hear “sorry, i don’t feel the same way.” you can’t do it. you can’t allow yourself to spiral again. however, you don’t divulge your reasons for holding back, remaining silent as you trace the patterns on the ceiling. 

after a deep, shuddering sigh, you give them a three word explanation: “i don’t know.”

day eleven.

stepping off of the train into fresh air sharpens your dulled senses. the national park is beautiful, for lack of better words; thickets of trees spreading out in all directions as far as the see. the sun is rising over the mountains that stretch high above your head — you’re starting to enjoy this view more than the lifeless skyscrapers that await you back home. the train station looks more like a little lodge than an actual station, but you appreciate its quaint character. reddish-brown wood makes up the majority of the small-scale building. it looks like a place where people would spend the night in, with a warm, cozy fireplace in the wintertime, and wide open windows in the summer to allow the refreshing breeze to waft in.

meandering down the path behind the station into a field of tall grass littered with bunches of tiny, white flowers, you begin to reflect on everything that has happened on this trip. originally, you went on this stupid trip with the goal to find inspiration, and last night you had a very important realization: yeonjun is that something — you started drawing again because of him, you started looking on the bright side of things because of him, and most important of all, you fell for him. you didn’t just fall for him in the way an artist falls for their muse, no. you fell for him as a person. getting to know him has been one of the best parts of your trip, but now all of that has gone down the drain because yeonjun hasn’t responded to you in over twenty-four hours and you have not a clue what to do to try to make things right. if he doesn’t wish to speak to you, then that’s that. it’s over. whatever momentum this fleeting relationship had has been effectively pummeled into the dust that would blow away with even the gentlest of breezes. 

you wish you could appreciate this view more. your paints sit in your backpack back in your room, out of sight so that you don’t have to think about them, nor hear their pleas to be used. although you now know why you lack the drive to paint and draw and generally create once again, no clear-cut solution to your problem comes to mind. instead, you wander through the grass towards a large, squatty boulder, climb on top of it, and plop down. your knees curl up towards your chest while your arms wrap around them, fingers tracing random patterns against your shins. fatigue solidifies in your bones, but the tranquility of the early morning the quiet tucks a blanket of peace over your body, swaddling the edges around you, cocooning you in.

you sit there, taking in the sounds and sights of nature, for hours. the chirping of birds sings a melody over the whisper of trees in the breeze. a deer leaps across the open field, disappearing into the trees, her fawn following close behind. bighorn sheep graze in the distance, their circular horns reminding you of cornucopias. 

the rustle of trees and grass obscure the sound of approaching footsteps from your ears. it’s not until yeonjun begins to climb onto the boulder that you notice him. you hug your legs tighter to your body as he sits next to you, but not too close. an invisible wall separates you. he does not look remotely near your direction, his focus far out in the trees. staring at him, you wonder what to say. i’m sorry? i have feelings for you?

“i never met up with him.”

he still doesn’t spare you a glance. assuming he wants you to continue, you do. “i don’t know why i said what i said, but it was shitty of me to put you in that position, and i wanted to say that i’m sorry. i was just shocked, i guess. to see him. he ruined my perception of a lot of things, jjun.” jjun. that’s a new one. you are quite unsure where it came from, it slipped out before you could think. no matter, he’s looking at you now, and it’s your turn to look out towards the horizon. “trust, commitment, love…”

his gaze burns into your temple. you take a deep breath, fingers clenching the fabric of your jeans. “they’ve all been ruined for me. it’s hard for me to trust anyone after what he did. i’m terrified that the people i grow close to will wake up one day and leave me without a word. i’m scared that i’ll never get the closure i deserve when they do. worst of all, i’ve stopped believing that love is in the cards for me, like there has to be something wrong with me for him to have left me like that—”

“don’t. don’t you dare say that about yourself.” whipping your head around, you finally meet eyes for the first time in nearly two days. they aren't soft like they usually are when they look at you, but hardened, guarded. “there’s nothing wrong with you. you have every right to be hurt, and he’s honestly a piece of shit for doing that to you, but it’s unfair to assume that everyone that comes after him will be just like him.”

“i know, and i’m sorry. i know you’re not like him.” he doesn’t respond, and you begin to chew at the inside of your cheek. you watch an ant crawl its way across the rock beneath you. the small insect disappears over the edge. 

silence. you begin to count the seconds. one, two, three, four—

“i’m sorry for not texting you back. i just needed time to think about things. a lot of things,” he starts. “i felt weird, for some reason. didn’t know how to talk to you about it.”

you offer him a tight-lipped smile. “no, i understand. i forgive you.”

important words remain unspoken, but both of you refuse to address them. instead, his hand finds yours, he links your fingers with his, and both of you peacefully watch the sheep graze across the field.

day twelve.

not everything is fixed yet. 

despite being on speaking terms again, strain pulls your relationship taut. the unspoken words from yesterday hang heavy in the air, but you can’t bring yourself to give them a voice. you want to. your voice won’t work every time you try.

sitting next to yeonjun on his bed, you scroll through various forms of social media, bookmarking work that you find particularly interesting in between catching up on your friends’ posts. jennifer has been thoroughly caught up on what’s been going on after a long overdue apology for not responding to her texts. she understood, of course she did. she’s known you long enough to know how you can shut down whenever you’re feeling overwhelmed. 

“i’m proud of you for telling him. i know it’s hard for you to share, honey,” she cooed to you over the phone last night. “but you need to tell him how you feel before it’s too late.”

you know that. you know damn well that once you get off this train, it may all fall apart, a budding romance distinguished by reality. there’s no security, no safety net for you to fall into if you take the leap, and while he showed you an inkling of how he felt yesterday, who’s to say he’ll feel that way tomorrow? the next day? are you willing to tear your heart open for him to consume if there’s still a chance of him throwing it away when all is said and done? 

you don’t know the answer to that question. honestly, you don’t know the answer to a lot of those questions, stuck in this state of self-imposed purgatory. to rise or fall, what is the best choice? you don’t fucking know.

“is that yours?” he asks from over your shoulder, at a ceramic piece in your feed made by one of jennifer’s acquaintances. his breath snakes warmly over the expanse of your neck due to his proximity, his head so close you could turn and just kiss him— 

stop it. 

“oh, no. um.” you shift away from him slightly. distance. some distance feels more comfortable right now. “i don’t sculpt. i just paint, and draw.”

he makes an ahhh of understanding, leaning back onto his palms, the mattress sinking down with his weight. he’s staring at you like he expects something from you. what shall you give him? when you don’t say anything further, he does. 

“can i see some of yours, then?” it’s an innocent enough request. rather than simply press on your account, your fingers move on their own until you reach your gallery. why? are you really about to bare your soul to him? you guess so, because he’s gently taking your phone from your fingers after gaining quiet permission from you. 

he asks you questions as he pulls up certain pieces. the thought process behind each one, what made you do this, place that color there, how you came up with the composition, what the meaning of it all is. you try your best to explain each one. sometimes, your choices were the product of spontaneity. you thought yellow would look nice at that spot, so you put some there. her nose is crooked because it gives the piece more character. the color of the drapes in the background are blue for no particular reason other than the fact that your reference photo had blue drapes. you continue in a cycle of question, answer, question, answer, and some of your answers are more emotional than others. you remember where you were, both physically and mentally, when making all of these. you remember the ones you made when you were having a bad day, the ones where you felt like you were on the top of the world. 

then, he pulls up one that you wish he didn’t. it was buried so deep into your gallery that you have no idea how he found it — your most dreaded hyperrealism piece: a woman lays on her back, hair fading into the foreboding, void-like background. her face is twisted up into an abject sadness, a deep-seated pain that even now, you have no idea how you captured so vividly. her veiny left hand is splayed next to her head, thin crimson threads tied to each finger so tight that she has begun to bleed. the strings fall limp beside her, severed from their counterparts that meander off of the canvas. more red threads loop their way around her neck, pulled taut as if to choke her — and to her throat, she holds a pair of sharp-pointed scissors, hand gripping the metal tight enough to pale her knuckles. 

it’s dark. it’s terribly dark and you wish he never saw it. why did he have to see it? why did he have to choose that one? the world tilts on its axis as he stares down at the picture of your most soul-baring work, though you think it would be worse if he saw the actual painting in person.

“what’s the story behind this one?” he asks quietly. your lungs expel all air, and you’re left gaping for more. breathe, come on, you have to breathe. your inhale is shaky, shuddered. breathe. say something.

“that one…” your voice trails off into something quiet. scared. “i made it when i was in a really— really dark place mentally, um. i made it mostly because—”

he’s looking at you now, concern shining in his irises, but you push on. 

“because i stopped believing in fate.”

while you could say more, you stop yourself there. you hate digging — digging into your deepest fears and emotions that you keep locked behind a wall so that you never have to feel them. a pandora’s box sits in the center of your heart, wrapped with chains to keep them imprisoned. somehow, though, you think yeonjun knows what you really want to say: you meeting each other wasn’t fate to you, but a gross series of coincidences, and when he asks if you think so, you simply nod.

“but out of everyone on this train, i met you. i got to know you — shouldn’t that mean something? can’t that be considered fate?” he presses. something akin to desperation laces his words, an urgency you’ve never heard from him. 

it sure feels like fate, doesn’t it? after all of those times that you ran into him, how he found you in the observation car when it was just you in there, how your feelings have unfolded like taking apart a paper crane in the short nine days you have known each other — it feels like it should be fate, you want to admit that all of it does seem like the universe’s divine intervention. maybe you running away was really just you trying to deny your fate to meet yeonjun while on this train. maybe him finding you was fate, an apology from whatever is above for what they put you through a year and a half ago.

“i think—” you hesitate. “i think so. it’s hard for it not to when i feel like i’ve known you my entire life.”

and you sit there and he’s smiling at you like you just created the earth with your bare hands. chicago passes outside the window. the sun shines high in the sky over the high rises, glints across glass panes and into his room. all you have is one more day on this train, and most of it will be spent sleeping tonight. he’ll wait for you tomorrow, right? would he wait for you forever?

“you know, i tell most people that my name is daniel.”

tilting your head, you echo, “daniel?” 

he hums as he scoots a bit closer, planting his feet on the floor next to yours and leaning forward. his knees support his elbows as he stares down at the floor. “it’s my english name. i used it when i was in college, i use it for my work, but for some reason, when i met you, my actual name, my given name, came out instead. call me silly, but i think my heart knew you’d become someone special to me. i wanted you to use my actual name — the one my parents call me. the one my closest friends call me.”

“oh.” why does your chest feel so tight right now? 

he sucks his lips behind his teeth for a moment. “yeah.”

sitting there, you wonder how you should respond to that. words expelled like an exhale of air, colliding with each other in front of your eyes, unable to be unscrambled by your mind. this time, it’s you who reaches over, closing the distance between you with a hand over his. his palm flips open to meet your own, your fingers linking together like matching puzzle pieces. you take a deep breath, and squeeze. 

“thank you,” you whisper. thank you for being here. thank you for helping me find myself again.

day twelve (point five). 

“i’m gonna miss you guys so much!” 

chaewon is basically on the verge of tears at this point, constantly blubbering how she is going to miss hanging out with you every day as she pulls you and sakura in for a hug over and over again. sakura laughs as she pulls away for the thousandth time this afternoon. “girl, it’s gonna be okay. we’re gonna meet up for coffee soon, right?”

she looks towards you, and you give an enthusiastic nod. “right. i’ll invite my friend too. she said she’d love to meet you guys.” 

chaewon’s pout doesn’t vanish, but she looks a little less emotional after all of your reassurances. blinking back the remnants of her tears, she nods with a watery “okay.”

you bring her in for one more hug while sakura asks, “have you seen him yet?” 

“no, i haven’t heard from him since last night.” your teeth worry your bottom lip, peeling a piece of raised skin off. the sensation stings. 

her lips purse sympathetically, a hand being placed on your shoulder. “i doubt he’d leave without saying something to you, don’t worry. he has to be around here somewhere.”

“yeah, you’re probably right.” as chaewon pulls away, you check your phone again. no texts or calls yet. doubt ricochets around in your brain, but you know yeonjun; he wouldn’t do that to you. 

“i’d love to wait with you, but my manufacturer is pissed i didn’t call them back yesterday, so i should get going,” sakura admits with an apologetic smile. her fingers squeeze your shoulder one time before her arm drops back to her side. 

“i should go too,” chaewon sadly adds, kicked puppy eyes in full effect. “my cat is waiting for me. my friend said she was a little demon the whole time i was gone.”

“it’s okay,” you laugh, shooing them away jokingly. “you guys can go. i’ll be fine.” 

with a last group hug, they grab their suitcases and head towards the hallway that connects the train station to the subway lines. sakura twirls around, walking backwards as she calls, “keep us updated! we need to know everything,”

“of course!” you yell back, grin widening. chaewon turns back too to wave, and you wave back. eventually, the crowd swallows them up, and you are left alone to wait. a few minutes pass, and you realize that this sea of people will likely make it impossible for either of you to find each other. his contact is pulled up on your phone, your thumb hovering the call button. you look around one more time—

and he’s standing right there, mere feet in front of you, in all of his glory, long hair still flopping into his face, eyes still dreamy and all-consuming. you stand there for a moment, simply staring at each other with stupid, goofy grins overtaking your faces. long legs carry him over to you, and before you know it, you’re wrapped up in his arms and pulled into his strong chest. you bury your head into the side of his neck, inhaling the scent of his cologne.

“thank god,” he murmurs into the crown of your head. “i thought you might have left already.”

pulling back, you fix him with an incredulous stare. “what in the world made you think that? i was waiting for you.”

his ears tint an opaque red, the raised apples of his cheeks flushed a similar hue. he’s bewitching, and despite knowing that since the very first day — the day that you drew him for the first time — there’s so much more to him than looks to you now. he’s beautiful in both body and soul, in heart and head. one hand removes itself from your middle to cup your jaw, steadying your gaze with yours. your heart pounds, knees weak like a newborn doe’s as he stares deep into your eyes. blinding are the emotions swirling in his dark irises, but it doesn’t burn anymore. it’s more like the caress of the sun in the springtime, bright yet gentle in its own right. 

“this feels long overdue for me to say,” he begins, eyes closing as if to steel himself. when he opens them again, resolve has been added to the mix. “but i have feelings for you. i’ve never fallen for someone so quickly. i’ve never met someone like you, and i just— i knew, from the very day that i saw you, that we’d have something to do with each other. and then we kept running into each other, and i just thought wow, this has to be—”

“yeonjun,” you call, interrupting his ramblings. he pauses, eyes wide and anticipatory, as your hand moves up to cover his on your jaw. you can’t help the tremble in your lips as you speak. “i feel the same way.”

his lips purse, hiding a smile, before he surges forward and embraces you for a second time. the pure, unadulterated joy that the action brings you is like nothing you’ve ever felt before, and you’re almost…sad, when he pulls away.

“can i take you out on a date?”

the question throws you off kilter, and you have to catch yourself before you fall face first into his chest. “like, right now? with our suitcases and everything?”

“i’ve done much worse,” he chuckles, ruffling his hair, only for the locks to fall back down into his eyes. “but i meant later today, maybe? around six? i have to go take care of some things i neglected before i left.” 

“that sounds wonderful,” you gush. despite your best efforts in keeping your excitement to a minimum, you bounce up onto your toes for second, heels sinking back onto the floor. you swear he mumbles a quiet “cute” under his breath before he’s slipping his hand into yours.

“perfect,” he beams, before he playfully continues. “shall we be off to the subway then, my lady?”

giggling, you fall into step next to him, your arm swinging with his between you. “we shall.”

*:･

he’s right on time to pick you up, dressed casually but not too casually. a cool beige, short-sleeved button-up is tucked into a pair of straight-legged black jeans that stop at his waist. the chunky converse on his feet cause him to be a bit taller than usual. evidently, he is distracted by his phone, head ducked down as he waits for you to show up.

“yeonjun!” you call out, causing his head to snap up. once he does, you find that he’s somewhat styled his hair back — most of it has been swooped back towards his ears. a few strands fall into his face, but his forehead is fully exposed, and he looks…amazing. sometimes, you wish you were a poet instead, because then you’d have the words describe what you were feeling, what you were seeing. his jaw drops at the sight of you, dolled up in a jean skirt and frilly tank top over a thin long sleeve, your makeup soft and flattering to your features. 

“hi,” he breathes, and you repeat the greeting back to him. “you look…wow.”

“thanks,” you, biting your glossy lip. as his focus flits down to where your teeth dig into the soft flesh, you shyly smile, releasing it. a shock runs through you, new and carnal and it warms your stomach when he bites down on his own lip for a split second. “um, i know we didn’t really talk about where we were going to go, but there’s a thai place down the street from here, if you wanna go there? it’s my favorite.”

“of course,” he accepts, offering his arm to you. you loop your own through, standing close to him with your fingers pressing into the crook of his elbow. “lead the way.”

now that neither of you feel the need to skirt around your feelings, silence no longer lingers between pauses in conversation — both of you are able to pick it back up with ease. you meant it when you said that you feel like you’ve known him your whole life, and it reflects in the way you banter with him without worry or care. it’s…nice, freeing, not having to think too hard about what you’re about to say. natural. everything with him feels so natural. 

when both of you are sated, in both terms of food and conversation, he offers to walk you back to your apartment. the sun is beginning to set, and the sky has faded into a wash of rosy pink. the hue reflects the giddy feeling churning in your chest, rendering you light-headed and dizzy and fuck you just want to kiss him—

and he does. standing in front of your apartment building, he swoops down and captures your lips with his. slow, unhurried, his lips taste sweet like thai tea and are as soft as clouds. no one leads the other, no one moves to deepen the kiss. no, instead, you and yeonjun savor the taste of each other, the syrupy, vertiginous feeling of your first kiss together. when he pulls away, his lips have a slightly swollen quality to them, though you’re sure own look the same. you don’t want him to leave yet. you want more, you want something carnal and irrepressible that, by the way he’s looking at you, he wants too. playing with the locks of hair at the nape of his neck, you pant against his lips. “come inside with me, please?”

soft eyes darken, and he takes your breath away once more with another kiss, hands squeezing your waist. once he separates your lips from his, he rests his forehead against yours. nerves flutter in your stomach. “okay.” 

you find it terribly difficult to keep your hands off of him as you unlock your door, as it shuts behind you. for a minute, you stand there, waiting for something, anything to happen — then he’s crowding you in against your door and his lips are on your again. although there remains an air of softness, urgency fills the gaps where your lips don’t quite meet as they meld together, his tongue slipping into your mouth to curl with your own. your shoulder blades press into the cool wood of your door, the warmth of his body against your front a dizzying contrast to your scattered mind — but you want more. you want him.

when he slips a knee between your legs and knocks them apart, you let him. when he presses that knee into your core, encourages you to grind against it, you let him, you listen. whining into his mouth, you tug at his shirt, at his belt loops, his hair — anything you can get your hands on, you’re pulling at it, grinding down harder as his jeans rub your soaked panties against your aching pearl. a cry rips itself from your throat, mouth leaving as your head is thrown back against the door. “y-yeonjun—”

“patience, love. i’m gonna make you feel good,” he mumbles as he ravages your neck, nipping and sucking at the soft skin. his hands have snuck beneath your shirt and smooth over your stomach up to the cups of your bra, squeezing the flesh over the fabric. as you raise you arms, he helps you pull your top off, the article thrown onto the floor without ceremony or care. his hands loop behind your back, fiddling with your bra clasp. “can i?”

“please,” you keen, and he wastes no time in doing so, expert fingers sliding the straps down your arms until your bra, too, lays on the floor. lips find your right nipple, enveloping the pebbled flesh in a warm wetness that causes your back to arch into him. one hand pulls you into him, while the other tweaks your other tit. his teeth graze it, and the stinging edge of painful pleasure causes you to shiver. he hums, vibrations causing you to moan his name louder, plead for him to do more. leaving your breast, his mouth kisses and laps at the skin of your stomach. down, down, down, until he drops to his knees in front of you, swiftly unzipping your skirt and pulling it off of you. lips find your thighs, biting down lightly, and you squeak, hand finding his hair and pulling. he looks up at your through his lashes, absolutely depraved and almost drooling for more. you gulp, legs almost giving out under you as you smooth your hand over his hair, pushing the strands that have fallen into his face back. “can we— can we move to the bed?”

immediately, he stands, pulling you behind him before he’s placing you onto the edge of your bed with great care. before he can fall to his knees again, you curl your shaking fingers into his shirt. “take this off? i wanna see you.”

with a huff of a chuckle, he does as you ask, revealing a toned stomach, broad shoulders, muscled arms. your tongue darts across your lips as you drink him in, causing him to smirk. “like what you see, pretty?”

“y-yes,” you stutter out, quiet and wanting and full of lecherous need. your thighs attempt to squeeze together in order to provide some relief to your pulsating core, but his legs stop them from fully closing. his fingers find your jaw, squeezing the flesh. your cheeks heat up. 

“so fucking cute.” the praise sends a white hot streak through your stomach and into your center. your face is on absolute fire now, vision growing hazy around the edges as you watch him sink down between your thighs, your panties quickly discarded to reveal your center to his eyes. two fingers trace your folds before dipping beneath them to find your entrance. his eyes widen at what he finds, fingers coming back up coated in your wetness, glinting against his fingertips and knuckles in the light streaming in through your windows. “you’re so wet, baby. this all for me? a little kissing got you this needy?”

“mhm— oh,” you gasp when he brings the fingers to his mouth, sucking on them lewdly as he refuses to tear his gaze from yours. he moans at your taste, hot tongue swiping up the remnants that accidentally smeared onto the corner of his lips once he removes his fingers. his smirk returns, hands sliding under your ass to pull you closer to the edge of the bed, closer to his mouth. you sit up on your elbows to watch him kiss his way up your inner thigh, hands holding you open for him. there’s nowhere for you to hide, as he traces your folds with his tongue, dipping into your entrance and swiping up to your clit. crying out, your fingers find his hair in an ironclad grip. he groans against your pearl, your hips bucking up into his face before his arms snake around each thigh and hold you still. he alternates between circling the bud with his tongue and sucking it between his plush lips, spit pooling at the corners of his mouth as he loses himself in your taste. meanwhile, you’re already so close to the edge, you can feel your walls begin to clench around nothing, your hips jumping up as far as he allows. as he dips down to your entrance, his nose bumps against your clit, but his tongue is back in no time to continue its assault on your poor little clit. “jjun, ‘m gonna, please, ‘m gonna—”

“cum,” he mumbles against you. “cum f’me, pretty girl.”

with his permission, your head falls onto your sheets, eyes rolling into the back of your head as your vision spots white. cries pour from your lips like honey for him to drink, but you never quite come down fully. rather, he keeps circling his tongue against your clit through your high, and as your orgasm subsides, another one already begins to build. tears prick your eyes as you plead, “jjun, no, can’t, i can’t, nonono— i can’t!”

“yes, you can,” he murmurs, removing his arm from your right thigh. his lips don’t leave your clit as you feel two fingers slip into your soaked entrance, smoothly thrusting in and out and curling up into your upper wall until he finds that soft spot inside you that has your voice shattering into shards of moans and staccato wails. he groans against you as he feels your walls clench, the pace of his fingers unforgiving as he coaxes another mind-shattering orgasm from your body. your fingers flutter around his walls, watery hiccups torn from your throat. this time, he slows down, helps you ride out your high, before he removes his fingers, licking his lips of your essence as he does. climbing onto the bed, he hovers over you, taking in your spit-slick lips and tear-lined eyes. he wipes the tears away with gentle motions, cooing when you whine. he sits there until you come back to him, lucidity shining in your eyes as you blink them open. smiling, you pull him in for a languid kiss, tasting yourself on his tongue before he pulls away. 

when he caresses your cheek with his thumb, asking you if you’re okay, you lean into his touch, “mhm, want you to fuck me.”

“i can do that,” he laughs, causing you to reciprocate. standing, he slips his jeans and boxers down his thighs until he’s left in nothing, hardened cock veiny and flushed an angry red. you think it’s an average length, on the thicker side, the girth causing your mouth to water. as he runs his hands up your thighs, he asks, “d’you have any condoms, love?”

while you’d rather him fuck you raw, you know it’s safer this way. you point towards your nightstand. “there.”

as he fetches one, you scoot into the middle of the bed, watching him roll it on before he returns between your thighs, pumping his cock once, twice, lining it up with your entrance. his free hand grips your waist, watching as you move your hips to try to slide him into you. smirking, he presses his hips forward, cockhead dipping past your entrance. both of you moan at the sensation. slowly, he works his cock into you, little rolls of his hips until he’s seated fully within you, hips flush against your pelvis. 

“move,” you whine. “please move.” and that’s all it takes for him to swiftly pull out and slide back in again. as he thrusts into you again and again, his movements grow rougher, the tip of his cock brushing against your g-spot each time. moaning, you reach up towards him, forcing him to lean over you so you can kiss him again, swallowing each other’s sounds. he’s just as loud as you, praises falling naturally between his breathy moans. 

“feel s’good, baby. so fuckin’ tight and wet f’me. so unreal. d’you feel good, too?” he coos against the shell of your ear, warm breath curling against your necks. your walls clench around him at his desperate sounds.

“s-so good, jjunie,” you hum, feeling your third high of the night approaching. the knot in your stomach grows tighter as his thrusts grow sloppy, chasing his high as much as you are. a thumb moves down to rub your sensitive clit, quick little circles against the bud until your limbs are locking up, quaking as you finally cum around him. a few seconds later, his high hits him as well, his hips quivering as he spills into the rubber with a loud groan. 

slowly, he pulls out, ridding himself of the condom and soon returning to the bed to plop down next to you. arms pull you in close as you both pant and grin tiredly at each other, basking in the quiet that permeates the air, and he stares at you, dulcet eyes boring into yours. 

“what’re you thinking about?” you decide to ask, poking the center of his sweat-beaded forehead. taking a moment to respond, he pulls you even closer so that your noses almost touch. 

“it’s just— there’s this concept in korean — inyeon,” the timbre of his voice raises slightly as he switches to his native tongue, and lowers again when he switches back to english. “that, um, it means…”

his cheeks are growing the slightest bit pink, a shade that reflects the cotton candy clouds that float past your windows. squeezing his hand, you silently urge him to continue, soft gaze finding his own. a gentle kiss pressed to his cheek, his jaw, naked skin pressed against naked skin. together, whole, one.

he starts again, “there’s no direct translation, but it basically is fate. strings of fate. i truly believe the universe has connected us in some way, whether it be through some invisible red string or another force. and i know, i know what you said about fate, but i can’t stop thinking about how we found each other. there’s something beautiful about starting off as strangers and getting here. i don’t know, i’m just rambling at this point,” he chuckles, burying his nose into the pillow under his head. “i’ve just never felt this way about someone before. i’m sorry.”

with a gentle hand, you cup the side of his face, forcing him to look back at you. “don’t be sorry, that’s beautiful, and i think—” you sigh, blinking back tears that threaten to fall. “i think you’ve changed my mind about fate. i’ve also never felt this way about someone before. i feel like you know me on some level that no one else does. you just. you just get it, and i—” 

you don’t think this is quite love yet, but you believe what you’re feeling within your chest, tingling all over your body, is as close as you’ve ever gotten to it. he smiles, whispers a small, soft, “i know,” and lips find lips once more. hands find hands, and you feel alive. you feel like everything that you see is now in vivid technicolor, no longer masked by a veil of gray.

and when you wake up tomorrow, you think that you’re going to start a new painting.

© to agustdiv1ne. do not copy, repost, steal, and/or translate.

[cosmica-galaxy]

It's me again, I still have the question of how the alliance, the mimics and the human would react to the Clockmen and Drillmen factions, especially the Titan Clockman and Titan Drillman, how would the human feel about the two new factions? how would the mimics react to seeing the Drillmen? how would the alliance act around the Clockmen and Drillmen? and how would the titans feel about Titan Clockman and Titan Drillman?

This is like the fourth time I've asked, I'm just not good at being patient.

Camron would be surprised at seeing such units. How interesting! The clockmen are able to bend TIME?! That's so awesome!! The drillmen are really cool too!! They can dig really fast and their sneak attacks are valuable to the alliance! It's so nice to have more alliance members join the war effort! The titans are also pretty cool! The big brass one looks like a knight and the driller is a pretty sturdy fighter! He can appreciate them! DJ would find the clockmen really sick! They also dance similar to speakermen and the big clockman is a total homie! The drillmen are also pretty cool, but a little more serious than the clock faction. They're also pretty damn good at digging surprise traps! Impressive! The big clock titan is also really awesome! A golden titan with the ability to stop and reverse time?! Wow...and the drill titan is pretty cool too. Why is it so short, though?? Vee respects the clockmen and the drillmen equally. They are very powerful allies and they are useful in preventing certain things from happening. The clockmen and Tvmen are also particularly close to one another, so it would make sense that Vee would appreciate their faction admirably. Both titans are marvels in his eyes and each one has his respect. Buddy is curious about the clockmen and the drillmen. How strange...new factions? Their abilities are paramount and their skills are equally as amazing. But that brings into question...where are their mimic alternates? Pal is excited to have more allies to visit and communicate with! The alliance is like a very big pack that just keeps getting bigger! The clockmen are rather nice...though, Pal isn't a fan of alarms too much. Still, the coo-coo clock makes such silly noises...and their large clockman isn't that bad either! Drillmen are kinda hard to pinpoint, as they primarily travel underground. Still, Pal can feel when they're around...and overall, they're nice folks! Fiend is skittish around the new units, as their powers are pretty...well...powerful. The clockmen makes him wonder how they got the ability to stop time itself and the drillmen are even noisier then the speakermen! At least they didn't spin up and "hiss" when they have to talk! All the mimics are nervous around titans, but would find the big guys similar to the others. As long as you respect them, they respect you. The human however thinks all of them are freaking AWESOME! The ability to stop time and the ability to burrow underground for sneak attacks!? SICK!!! The human also loves their clothes and style! It's amazing!! THEY HAVE TITANS TOO!? AND THEY'RE SO COOL!? The human is in mechanical heaven.

[lyrenminth]

NUMBER ONE PICK

N/A: this is kinda like enemies to lovers. You are an athlete, the story happens in college. It will have a second part because I don't like long posts lol

Joe fucking Burrow.

Ugh.

Why couldn't he wear that stupid helmet everywhere? Or why couldn't he move to another university? Stupid football players, stupid football, and stupid administration.

Your volleyball team was doing fine, the media started noticing your progress and decided to made a short documentary about the players, but since LSU football team was doing extremely well since Joe Burrow arrived, the school media decided your team wasn't interesting/engaging enough and cancelled the short documentary.

You were excited, you were happy someone was paying attention to the effort put in by all the girls. You had seven wins in a row, come on. So, when they gave you the news, you were pissed. It ruined your day. Bad.

It didn't help that you were sharing a class with him, and after an important game where the tigers won everyone was sucking his cock. And he was enjoying it.

His stupid cocky ass.

That documentary should be about the volleyball team, not Joe Burrow. You didn't talk to him so much, you had friends in common but never were at the same time in the same place for different reasons. Besides, you didn't like how everyone worship him. Yes, he was good. The same with the other one hundred athletes in college. And yes, you were damn salty.

So, when your friend invited you to the party to celebrate the win, you said no. She was taking it better than you. Everyone in the team was taking it in a better way. They prompted you to go, saying Joe wouldn't be there because he didn't like people. A fucking lie, of course. What convinced you was the alcohol, you need to forget for a couple of hours.

The party was nice. There were students-athletes and members of sororities. At the beginning you didn't see Joe and thought he wasn't there, but when you went to the garden in a hidden corner to take fresh air he appeared like the fucking Houdini.

Great.

"Hey, you are y/n?"

You nodded, holding your cup with both hands, trying not to look so much his face because for the heaven and hell, he was hot. Everyone knew that, it was a reason why girls loved to show them tits to him. He was tall, well-built, a jawline which could cut your veggies and his laid-back, confident personality.

"I'm Joe Burrow" he said. You almost roll your eyes. "Yeah, I know" he read your expression, knowing you weren't happy with his presence.

"So, I just want to tell you I'm sorry for the doc" he explained. He didn't sound drunk at all. You were drinking but still thinking clearly.

"Yeah, me too" You couldn't hide the bitterness in your voice. Gosh, people didn't understand how important was for you, for the team. Everyone said "it just a documentary no one is going to see" and that hurt because you were working so hard and nobody cared.

"I didn't say or did anything if that's what you were thinking" he added "I'm just good"

His last comment sent you to hell. What the fuck?

"Yeah, and we are fucking trash although we are in a winning strike"

"I didn't mean it that way" he clarify, bothered after hearing your harsh tone.

"Yeah, I don't care" you took a deep breath realizing how rude you were. Yes, it wasn't Joe's fault, he was an exceptional quarterback and you only wanted to fight a wall "Sorry, I didn't mean to be rude. It's just frustration"

"I see" he said quietly.

"What does it feel that everyone around you thinks you are great, cool and hot?" you asked, regretting it a few moments later.

"Do you think am I hot?" he said, amused.

"That wasn't the question"

"Um, I don't know. it is who I am" he shrugged.

"Well, yeah, thank you for the clarification. You deserved it though" you replied, referring to the doc.

"I mean, yeah, but you played well. I think is unfair for you and the team" You raised your eyebrow, not expecting that answer from a guy like him. "I mean, you can't avoid being popular" you stated.

"I don't like it as you suppose" he answered, looking around. A blonde girl was smiling at him "I just want to play"

"Well, doesn't matter what my opinion is. Congrats"

After that talk, you realized he wasn't such a prick. In fact, he was kinda weird. Not in a bad way, but you could tell, he didn't receive so much attention before. Also, the perfectionist and competitive traits pushed him to give his all. LSU did better not only for him but other key players. And you didn't want to get to invested, but Joe started following you, talking to you in class, sitting next to you. Weird stuff which made you uncomfortable because the last thing you wanted was to be labeled as his girlfriend when you were an athlete too. It didn't help the comments he used to make when you were lonely:

"You help me to be better, to improve my game"

"You are more competitive than me, I like it"

"I could learn from you too"

"My coach says you are the best in your position, I believe that's true"

You didn't know when your hatred vanished; when your walls fell down.

"You should sleep with him" Mindy, your friend and teammate said "He is the moment, he is hot and soon-to-be number one pick in the draft"

"No" You had a flashback of his back muscles, the long thighs, the pecs, and the dreamy booty. How many dreams have you had about kissing him below the ear?

"Not every day you sleep with a number one pick" she argued.

"Mindy no" you push the lustful thoughts aside.

"He likes you"

"Hell no" you replied, feeling uneasy.

"Hell yes" she said, grinning like a damn maniac "You are clueless and in deep denial. The poor boy follows you like a lost puppy. The other day I saw a girl trying to kill you with her glare when you were speaking to him. Those bitches dream to be you"

"You know that I have my goals too"

"Oh, come on! You didn't like volleyball either, you did it for the scholarship. Are you thinking of having a career?" Not really. Mindy knew your well "Or are you scared you like him as he likes you?"

"He is gonna be famous, and I wouldn't know how to handle that" you confessed. College and NFL were different lives. "You let it flow, baby" she said "And also, do you think he is going to let you go away?"

No, Joe always worked hard for what he wanted.

The thought made your cheeks red and your knees weak. But, there was this unnamed relationship, very close to a couple. He supported you, listened to you and you reciprocated. It was easy to do because...well, because you liked him too.

You took a deep breath, thinking about all the reasons why you should not date him. Stick to them, even if it hurts.

-----

Joe got nominated for the Heisman.

He invited you to the awards. Everybody thought you had something going on. I was strange since slept in a sexual way (once you got wasted and slept together) and kissed a couple times. You were going crazy. What Joe Burrow wants from you?

It was time to put your big girl pants and asked him directly. So you invited him over, and he arrived after practice, freshly showered. Joe was happy to be there, and bought you a Subway on the way since you told him you haven't eat. It was those actions what cause confusion and ache. You needed to get the thing straight.

"Do you want to eat, first?" He said offering the Subway.

"No, later" he raised an eyebrow because you rarely rejected eating "I want to talk about us. I know you invited me to the Heisman ceremony and I would like to go, but I want to be clear that I'm not willing to wasted my time if we are not a couple. I'll go to the ceremony as your girlfriend nothing less"

Joe wasn't the only taking decisions. You wanted you piece of cake too. You were serious about this, after thinking so much about the pros and cons, the lifestyle of Joe scared you, but with a good support system you should be ok. You talked with your parents, friends and strangers on internet. Again, you were going crazy for this relationship.

"Ok" he said, and you almost threw a pillow at him. "Ok, that's all?" You asked skeptical.

"Yeah, I mean is weird you asked because in my mind we have been dating for a while, but I'm willing to go and said to the world you are my girl officially"

"In your mind?" he shrugged, a shy smile on his lips "Joe, wtf? I was dating you without knowing. Dude, we haven't had sex yet" his laugh made you stare at him "What?"

"From now and on, we have so much time to do what you want. Kiss, fuck, watch movies. Whatever you want" he said, happy. You noticed that he was fully committed. He had that determined expression he used to have before important games.

"I'm confused" he got closer to you and kissed you. You were getting used to his soft lips. Needless to say, he was a good kisser.

"Don't be, you're mine, I'm yours, everything is fine"

[dormy650]

"wow dormy posting on tumblr??" yeah i know it's not happening for a while after thid im sorry 😭

but like. okay so. lobcorp faith au. i've been cooking this up in my brain for a little bit and like. i've got ideas for Three of them being agents and what ego gear they'd have

anyways, i do already have a john nugget so i've kind of got the most for him but like. i see him having justitia because 1. it looks sick as fuck, 2. it kind of fits given his role of like. fighting demons (you're kind of giving judgements there) and 3. it means he gets an aleph set along with gary (i'll talk about him later)

i was originally debating either heaven or regret (heaven because i saw this sick ass fanart with john that reminded me of burrowing heaven and regret because of the psych ward sequence in chapter 3 during garyland. also like, both of them are victims of abuse under the guise of "medical treatment" and both are technically murderers so...)

anyways, he'd have justitia as the ego weapon and suit. for ego gifts i've got him with heaven and justitia, though i DID try and get him plague doctor's blessing thing (i had to restart the day so he lost it 😭) because like. Yeah that looks cool. also could see him with beak as another ego gift. admittedly i don't know exactly what department he'd work in, but i can see him in welfare (blue lmao) or maybe control so he can get around faster and suppress things quicker? idk

but uh. moving on to gary miller. this is why i wanted john to have an aleph set because this boy is stacked. giving him paradise lost for the ego weapon and ego suit but you could make an argument that harvest makes a bit of sense for his weapon. that is one prong too many however so he gets paradise lost ^-^

anyways. soda and tough ego gifts. i can see him with the paradise lost ego gift too though because yeah he needs more than just zayin gifts 😭

for the last one though. father garcia. Hear Me Out on this one.

admittedly he's the one i've put the least thought into but i can see him with both the magic bullet suit and weapon. would say magic bullet gift too but i think fourth match flame fits that one better actually... i think he'd also have beak as an ego gift but that's mainly because i forgot if there were any gifts that were like. crosses (i don't think there are though)

anyways uh. i still have lobcorp john art cooking that i am trying to psych myself up to finish. maybe i will post it, maybe i won't idk either 😭

[valiantvillain]

WIP Wednesday

Tagged by @captastra

It ain't much but I literally just started working on my Gale and Wendolyn fic for the bg3 holiday prompt challenge.

------------

Of all the things Wendolyn had grown accustomed to whilst living on the surface, snow and winter were not yet among them. Snowfall didn't reach you in the depths of the Underdark, not even the suggestion of a chill breeze. All those mushrooms, all the blooming sussur, all that beautiful bioluminescent life could only blossom and thrive in the constant humidity of the murk as if locked in an intimate embrace. Some days it had been cloying and oppressive, straining the limits of crystalline coolness promised by the underground springs. But such had been life, cradled beneath the surface of Toril’s skin. It had been familiar. It had been life for the better part of over two centuries. 

No one prepared a drow, Lolth-sworn or Seldarine be damned, for their first breath of winter. The first frigid gulp of air to tease your expanding lungs. The first shiver as the winds shifted and your flesh broke out in goosebumps. The first time you relented and let loose your hold on any lingering shred of summer in the dusk of autumn and donned your first secondary layer of clothes. The wonder as you beheld your first fragile drift of white from the heavens, awoke to your first dusting of frost on the ground, scattered across the rooftops. The bafflement as the change in weather demanded you empty your coinpurse to procure gloves, scarves, and far sturdier boots than you had ever thought you would need to keep out the cold and the wet. That first initial winter had been a flurry of new experiences, almost enough to distract her from the fact that she had been all on her own, a singular Seldarine separated from what was left of her family with naught but a gravestone to compensate for her father's company. 

Thirty winters later now found her in Waterdeep with a life vastly changed. Infected with a mindflayer tadpole. Reunited with her mother and sisters. Made one of the latest batch of saviors of proud Baldur's Gate (though currently there were a number of bets as to how long it would take word to thoroughly carry beyond the realm of the Sword Coast). And of course, engaged to a wizard who worshiped the ground she walked more devout than he ever had his goddess. Finally in one of the many grand surface cities to which she and her sisters had once only dreamed of traveling. 

Though experience had done little to diminish the way the winter winds of Waterdeep burrowed and bit as she made her way home from the theater that evening. Bundled in layers and a scarf swaddled around her head so thoroughly that only her nose and eyes were left exposed to elements, Wendolyn cut through the shortcuts and alleys she had finally begun to comprehend. Fat flakes as stark white as her hair gathered on her clothes, clustered amid her lashes, gentle and meandering. Every breeze bore not just the crisp, cool scent of frost but also the mouth-watering aroma of spices from pastries in shop windows and a note of salt off the sea. She had never borne witness to the sea before Baldur's Gate, but the Grey Harbor hardly compared to the picturesque seaside view of Waterdeep, even if it was half frozen over by this time of year. 

[louis-arssets]

25 Days of Drarry - Day 6

Day 6 of 25 Days of Drarry

Prompt F -- Cake and Gingerbread Village

Image Description: A tall cake sits on a silver plate. The cake is roughly iced with white buttercream, decorations of rosemary sprigs, and deep red cherries form a border on top of the cake. Various gingerbread cookies decorated with plain white icing to look like houses and shop-fronts sit around the sides of the cake, while two more cookies are at the center-top of the cake. Three books are pictured to the top left of the scene, their covers deep red, gilded gold and silver. A single coupe glass filled with a light-pink coloured liquid is partially visible to the top right, and some loose rosemary leaves are on the table to the bottom left.

Tags: Established Relationship, Fluff, soft, Nervous!Draco

Read more under the cut or here on AO3.

Draco is a perfectionist. It’s a part of his character. On bad days he blames his parents, his bigoted pure-blood upbringing. The narrowmindedness he defended throughout his childhood.

On other days he acknowledges that he puts too much pressure on himself, trying to remedy his wrongdoings in the past. He’s talked about it with his mind healer. She told him that it’s okay to be a bit of a perfectionist as long as he did it for himself and not to prove to someone else that Draco is good. That he does his best. It’s not his responsibility to change someone else's mind about him. He should just try to be himself and let other people choose if they want to be his friend or not.

And Draco gets that. Still, it’s hard, sometimes.

It’s impossible when it comes to his maybe future mother-in-law. Not that Draco really thinks that Harry will be with him forever. That he will ask Draco to marry him. That would be… perfect. Heaven. All Draco could ever wish for. Utopian thinking on his side.

So, not really mother-in-law. Draco still wants to impress Molly Weasley. If his father could hear him he would probably scream the walls of Azkaban into their grounds. Luckily, Lucious can not hear him and won’t ever hear Draco again for the rest of his miserable life, if Draco’s concerned.

It’s Tuesday, December sixth. Harry and Draco are invited to the Burrow on Sunday, December eleventh. And Draco is highly motivated to make a good impression on Molly Weasley. Which, considering his past and the feud between their families is not the easiest task.

Soft lips press a kiss on his cheek and pull Draco out of his thoughts. “Stop brooding,” Harry whispers against his skin and kisses him again.

“I am not, Potter,” Draco grumbles but still offers his neck for further kisses which Harry accepts with a hum, whispering soft kisses on his skin. A shiver races down Draco’s body. He will never get used to this and he has to enjoy it as long as he can. Until Harry realizes that he can do so much better…

“Back to ‘Potter’, are we?” Harry chuckles and draws back. “So what are your plans?”

“What makes you think that I am planning anything?” Draco says innocently and puts his mobile on the table, display down. Harry has gotten him the mobile device a few weeks ago, claiming that it would make his life easier. He was right, of course. ‘Google’ has become one of Draco’s favourite things. The muggle world was so much more than Draco could have ever thought it would be. Google was also the place Draco was just lurking on when Harry came back home five minutes ago. He was searching for nice presents you could bring your in-laws when meeting them for the first time. Christmas-themed, of course. Not that the Weasleys would be Draco’s in-laws and not that they would see each other for the first time, but - well you get the point. Harry doesn’t need to know about Draco’s perfectionist tendencies when it comes to the Weasleys though. If he knew about the fact that Draco thought of Molly as his maybe-mother-in-law he would probably run and rightfully so. Alas, Draco is keeping it a secret. And he is playing it cool.

“You’re not as cool as you think you are, my love,” Harry laughs. Okay, maybe Draco’s not really playing it cool.

“Whatever,” he says and rolls his eyes. “How was your day?”

“I realize that you’re trying to distract me, but I love you enough to ignore it,” Harry says as if the words ‘I love you’ in context with Draco were the most normal thing in the world. Draco still forgets to breathe for a good minute whenever Harry drops the three-word sentence. “My day was surprisingly good,” he continues and marches over to the fridge to get a bottle of wine. He grabs two glasses from the cabinet and sits down at the kitchen table, across from Draco.

“Yeah?” Draco smiles and nods in thanks when Harry pushes one of the glasses to him.

“Yes, that meeting that I was supposed to have with Kingsley was postponed because he apparently has the flu, so I spend the whole morning doing paperwork.”

Draco scoffs. “You hate paperwork.”

“Usually, that’s right,” Harry concedes. “But while I was doing paperwork I was so bored that I actually cracked that stupid Smith case in my head. Went over to tell Ron, we apparated to Smith’s house and arrested him. He’s talking to his lawyer right now. Oh, by the way, Ron says Molly’s really looking forward to Sunday.”

White wine is suddenly where air should be and Draco violently starts coughing. Harry, the charming idiot, immediately jumps up and heartily slaps his back.

“Are you okay, love?”

“Sure,” Draco wheezes. “Is Mrs. Weasly aware that I will be attending Sunday?”

Harry, who has sat back down in his chair, raises his eyebrows. “Of course, you know I told her. She’s been wanting you to come for months, you know that.”

Draco swallows heavily. Harry’s right. Draco’s been pushing away the meeting for months now, but he promised Harry. He’s just not sure if Mrs. Weasley really wants him to come because she is happy that Harry’s got a boyfriend, or because she wants to hex him to the north pole. He really needs to work on his present for Sunday.

**

His present is shit. He had mulled over what to get for the remainder of the week with no positive outcome. So he panicked. He thought, well if I am a trained potions master then I will be able to bake a cake. Mrs. Weasley loves to cook so she would probably appreciate some fine dessert. In that whole process of him looking up a recipe on Google, going shopping at Tesda (or was it Asco? Something muggle, anyways), and tying an actual apron around his waist, did he forget that he had no clue how to cook or bake. Harry always did the cooking, claiming that it was his way of relaxing after a tough day at the DMLE. And whenever a case demanded from him that he worked late or had no time to prepare something, Draco either went out with Pansy and Blaise or ordered in.

So the cake had ended in disaster. The only thing that turned out remotely decent were the little gingerbread houses. (He bought the houses and decorated them with white glaze). So on Sunday morning, two hours before the brunch, he ran to Tascos and bought a cake, raced back home, and decorated the cake with his stupid gingerbread houses, some twigs, and cherries (of all things in winter, whatever). It did look festive, at least.

Now he’s standing in front of the Burrow crushing Harry’s hand in his and he feels the sweat roll down his neck.

“Relax, babe. They will love you before you know it you will be adopted into the family,” Harry smiles next to him and bends down to press a quick kiss onto Draco’s cheek.

Before Draco is able to answer, the door in front of them is opened by nonother than the Weasley matriarch.

“Hello loves,” she smiles, little crinkles forming at her eyes. She’s wearing a soft-looking jumper and, of course, a yellow apron. Because Draco realizes, she actually knows how to cook. He’s a fraud.

Next to him, Harry takes a step forward and opens his mouth to greet his adoptive mum but before he can say a word Draco crumbles.

“I baked you a cake,” he says and thrusts the cake into Mrs. Weasley’s arms. “I didn’t bake it, actually. I couldn’t. I can’t cook and I can’t bake but I wanted to pretend in front of you so I bought a cake and I decorated it with shit and this is it. I’m in no shape or form worth being in your beautiful house or being with your amazing son. I am a fraud so I’m gonna go. It was really nice seeing you again, Mrs. Weasley, I will never bother you again.” Draco nods and turns to Harry who is looking at him with big eyes and a little frown on his face.

“Potter, thank you for the good time. I will immediately move out, thank you,” he repeats and disapparates on the spot.

As soon as he lands in their, no Harry’s flat, he starts opening cupboards and pulling out random stuff he probably won’t need in his near future. He already plans to go to Pansy’s. At least she’ll have wine to drown in. He feels tears prickling in his eyes. He can’t believe that he ruined his entire future with Harry in just one minute. It fits, though. To the disaster, he calls life.

Draco takes a deep breath, lets himself fall onto one of the kitchen chairs, and burrows his face in his hands. He just needs one minute to control himself, then he will continue to get his stuff and go.

Before he can do that he hears the telltale sound of someone apparating.

“I will be gone in a minute,” he chokes out. “I’m so sorry, Harry.”

“Oh love,” a female voice answers and suddenly Draco finds himself in the strong embrace of the Weasley matriarch. If he wanted to he wouldn’t be able to free himself from the tight hug. He doesn’t want to leave, though.

“You’re alright, sweetheart,” Mrs. Weasley continues and softly strokes his back. “I know that everything is a bit much, but you don’t have to worry about a thing. The past is in the past and we already love you very much.”

“Re- really?” Draco sobs into her shoulder.

“Of course, sweetheart. And I appreciate that you wanted to prepare something for me, but you don’t have to impress me. I see how happy you make our Harry and I see how much he loves you whenever he talks about you, which is constantly.” She chuckles and rustles Draco in their embrace. He feels so loved right now, he doesn’t know what to do. “I know that we can be a bit much. We just want to get to know you a little better, is that alright?”

Draco swallows heavily and rights himself. It is amazing how the small Molly Weasly was able to completely engulf him in a hug, although he’s two heads taller.

“I would like to know you, too. I just wish that you will still want me as Harry’s partner when you know me.”

Mrs Weasley smiles at him and places a warm hand on his cheek. “Come on, love. I will place you right next to me on the table. We put Harry on your other side and Ron and Hermione opposite. Then you have all the people that already love you very much around you. And you know that none of my children are brave enough to say something against you if I have a say in it.” Her smile turns into a cheeky grin and she grabs his hand. “How’s that sound?”

Draco sniffles a little but smiles back. “It sounds wonderful, Mrs. Weasley.”

“Call me Molly, dear. Or mum. I will be your mother-in-law, so we can start with that now, don’t you think?”

**

Draco’s a perfectionist. It’s part of his character. The first meeting was far from perfect but that doesn’t matter as long as you have loving people around that don’t care about perfection. They only care about you, they only want to love you. It’s something Draco realizes on that day and continues to learn throughout his life with Harry and his in-laws whom he loves very, very much.

Day 5 -- Day 7

[beth--b]

Worth It

They had been trudging through the freezing rain for hours when Geralt mentioned that they were approaching a town. If he hadn’t been so cold Jaskier would have had something to say about it. As it was, he just nodded silently at the witcher and kept his head down to try and keep the water out of his eyes.

As a general rule, Jaskier tried to keep himself out of situations where he may fall ill. A bard that can’t perform due to illness wasn’t much use on the road after all. After so many years travelling with Geralt he knew that he wouldn’t be abandoned if he couldn’t earn coin for a time. He was only human after all, and travelling the continent wasn’t always the safest, especially when he was with a witcher. On occasion he had been sick or injured and had to cease performing for a few weeks, although he always tried to make up for it once he was well. Even though he was secure in this knowledge he still did his best to keep in good health. After the sudden turn the weather had taken though he was concerned that he may be out of luck, nothing could be done about it though and only time would tell.

Eventually they made it to an inn, heading inside they removed their outer layers and shook as much water off as possible before Jaskier approached the innkeeper to obtain a room. Usually, he’d try to barter a performance for a room, or at least hot meals but at that moment all he wanted to do was get warm and dry. Instead of offering to perform he simply paid for the night and got the key as quickly as possible.

Geralt raised an eyebrow at him in question, but the bard simply shook his head and started up the stairs leading the way to their room for the night, the witcher following silently behind with their bags.

Once in the room Jaskier kicked off his boots and practically fell onto the bed with a moan.

“Get up or you’ll get the bed wet,” Geralt said, pulling Jaskier back up.

“Geralt I am too cold and too tired to care. Unless there is a reason you need me right now, I am done. I just want to stop and sleep for a little while.” Jaskier pulled away from the witcher and went to move back to the bed but stopped when he felt something hit him in the back of the head. Picking up the offending objects he found them to be a pair of dry sleep pants and one of Geralt’s woollen shirts, far warmer than any of his own. Smiling slightly at the gesture, the bard changed from his damp clothes into the dry ones. “Thank you.”

“Get some rest then, I’ll go tend to Roach and organise a bath for later.”

Geralt left the room and Jaskier burrowed under the covers and was asleep in moments.

Find it on ao3 https://archiveofourown.org/works/39790809

Jaskier woke up to Geralt lightly tapping him on the shoulder. Deciding he was still much too tired for this being awake nonsense he simply rolled over and pulled the blanket over his head. This however did not work out according to plan when moments later Geralt pulled the whole blanket off him.

“Jaskier time to get up, the bath is ready for you.”

At that Jaskier finally lifted his head and blinked sleepily at the other man.

“Bath?” he asked around a yawn.

Geralt didn’t bother answering, simply moving away now that the bard was awake and moving.

Slowly Jaskier stood up, moving over to the warm bath and sliding in after undressing.

“Oh Geralt, this is heaven,” Jaskier said, sinking lower into the warm water.

Geralt gave a low hum in response, taking the time to remove his armour and check all was in order.

“Food should be up soon too.”

Giving an indecipherable moan of contentment Jaskier simply sank deeper into the warm water.

Before too long the water began to cool to a point where it was no longer the heavenly feeling that it was in the beginning, with a few mumbled sounds of protest to himself Jaskier sat up and washed himself quickly before vacating the tub. He redressed in the clothes Geralt had offered him earlier and sat back on the bed.

Sure enough, it was only a few moments later that a knock came at the door and Geralt had opened it, taking two bowls of the tavern’s stew of the day from the serving girl.

They ate in companionable silence, Jaskier still too tired to care about anything more than eating his fill and going back to bed, and Geralt being more than happy to accept the moment of peace.

Once the food was gone Jaskier mumbled a goodnight and slid back under the blankets and was asleep before Geralt had replied.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The morning came eventually and with it Jaskier rose, albeit reluctantly. He had never been a morning person, and as a bard that suited him quite nicely, apart from the part of his life where he chose to travel with a witcher who seemingly always rose with, if not before, the sun.

This particular morning was made worse by the tightness he could feel in his chest, the scratchiness of his throat and the headache beating a pounding rhythm through his skull right behind his eyes. He had been worried about exactly this with the mix of cooler than normal weather and the incessant rain that had left them both cold and soaked. Not wanting to slow Geralt down though he kept this to himself and forced himself up. Getting dressed took far longer than it should have, and he was grateful that Geralt wasn’t in the room to see him struggle, lest he realise that Jaskier wasn’t himself.

Finally dressed, he packed away the few things they had in the room and pulled his satchel, lute and Geralt’s remaining bag over his shoulders and headed downstairs. He handed the key back to the innkeeper and set out for the stables to find Geralt.

As expected, Geralt was just finishing up getting Roach saddled and ready to leave. Without a word the witcher took their bags and strapped them to the saddle. Forcing a smile and hoping the scratchiness of his voice wasn’t too noticeable Jaskier started chatting about where they should head to next and if there were any contracts to be found in the small village.

After finding that there were no contracts, which to be fair if Jaskier had been feeling better would have been clear given they were heading back out on the road, Jaskier settled into a steady rhythm, focusing on walking and breathing evenly as he was able. He hoped that Geralt would simply be relieved that Jaskier was quiet for a change and not question his silence. He knew he couldn’t keep it up forever but was hopeful that he would feel better as the day wore on.

He was of course, wrong.

The day stretched on and by mid-morning Jaskier could feel himself beginning to slow. Breathing was becoming harder and the urge to cough was becoming overwhelming.

By the time they stopped for lunch Geralt herded Jaskier to sit down on a log, the bard too tired to protest.

“So, are you going to tell me what’s going on with you?”

Jaskier looked up at Geralt and contemplated trying to lie. He knew there was no point. He felt awful and was sure he looked it. Plus, there was whole Witcher’s can tell when someone is lying by the way they smell thing. Come to think of it they could probably smell illness to. With that thought he finally settled on the truth, mostly.

“Fine. I may be a little bit under the weather. But it’s nothing to worry about my dear, I’ll be sure not to slow you down.”

Geralt sighed and sat beside the bard on the log.

“Jaskier, you should have told me. I’m not…I’m not worried you’ll slow me down. I’m just-” Geralt cut himself off seeming like he wanted to say more but just wasn’t sure how. Finally, he took a deep breath and started again. “I’m not worried you’ll slow me down. I’m just worried that you are clearly unwell and didn’t feel like you could tell me. I’m worried about you Jask.”

For a moment Jaskier thought he had perhaps fallen asleep and was dreaming. In the years he had known him Geralt hadn’t ever admitted to worrying about anyone. He barely even acknowledged that they were friends. The longer he took to respond though, the more the furrow between Geralt’s brows deepened. Finally, he decided this wasn’t a dream and he did need to reply.

“I’m sorry for worrying you my dear, that was never my intention. If we are being honest then yes, I am not feeling all that well. My head hurts and so does my throat. I’m exhausted and want nothing more than to sleep. I’m sorry, I just…didn’t want to be a burden,” Jaskier sighed then shook his aching head. “Aren’t we a right pair. Look at you Geralt, using your words. I’m impressed.”

Geralt rolled his eyes at the ridiculous bard and helped Jaskier to his feet. “Let’s get you on Roach until we find somewhere to make camp and you can get some rest.”

Finally giving into the urge to cough now that he wasn’t trying to hide it, Jaskier simply nodded and let himself be led to the mare. Geralt helped him into the saddle, and they set off.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Eventually they found a suitable location to make camp, far earlier in the day then they usually would. Jaskier was never more grateful to see his bedroll than in that moment. As soon as he was down from Roach and his bedding situated, he crawled under the furs and let himself sleep.

He woke what must have been several hours later to the sun setting and darkness beginning to fall. Geralt was sitting at the fire he had started at some point, and when he saw that Jaskier was awake he set about making some tea. Before long Jaskier was holding a steaming mug in his hands, breathing in the steam rising from the brew. The tea was a little bitter, no doubt Geralt had added some herbs to help with his cold, but nonetheless it helped soothe the ache in his throat, so he sipped at it slowly until the mug was empty.

“How are you feeling?” Geralt asked, taking the empty mug.

Jaskier thought for a moment before answering. “Well, my throat still hurts, though the tea did help. My headache is a little better after that nap, and my chest aches but it’s not too terrible now either.”

Geralt nodded, seeming pleased to hear that Jaskier felt a little better for the rest. “Good. We can stay put tomorrow or travel if you feel up to it, as long as you ride Roach again.”

“Thank you my dear. Now if you don’t mind, I think some dinner is in order and then more sleep.”

The witcher went to their packs and collected what he needed to put together a light meal and before long Jaskier had eaten and was crawling back into his bedroll. Just as he fell asleep, he felt a hand run through his hair and the slightest press of a kiss to his forehead.

The last thoughts he had before sleep took him, was that perhaps getting sick was going to be worth it after all.

[littlesilverplatinum]

Shepherd

---

Her tummy hurt.

Below, their vast fields spanned – enveloped by pale blue mist and morning dew. Come daybreak, when the rising sun were to quietly stretch across earths dome, Hikari knew that her soles were sure to grow slick from mud and soil. For papa always queried, through gravel and foreign tones, if she’d wish to come with him and help with yardwork while grandma prepared them their breakfast. One almost always made out of home grown vegetables, fish and steamed, sweet rice.  And, as all good girls would; Hikari always said yes. Lately, however, she’d started to sleep in more – and for a few days now grandpa hadn’t come to ask. Her cheeks bloomed rose as the cool night air fanned upon her skin, through her open window on story two. Spring had left them to make room for summer, yet cold had come to linger for a little while longer. And perhaps, just maybe, she ought not to let it in. But it helped her breathe. Helped her calm – for it was so terribly easy to get lost within dreams when you’d seen heaven and earth collide all at once before the age of sixteen.

And her tummy really, really did hurt.

‘Mrreow…?’

Silk graced over where her nightgown stopped covering and left her skin bare, over her legs, and Hikari was reminded of why she’d given her kit his namesake. It was the perfect description of his quiet tenderness; his graceful affection. Her toes – with their unpainted nails and grass stains that had no doubt discolored her creamy, pale sheets – flexed over his soft beige coat and acknowledged him without any words. He settled against her unflared hip. Patient as ever. On night one, they had been greeted by the chipper of passerine. Serene song of which had echoed between the valleys of tall fern crowns. On night two, thunder had stormed.

Tonight, the world sat quiet.

“… It’s time, isn’t it?”

Eerily so.

Grace effortlessly fit into her arms as she scooted herself towards the edge of her western styled bed – something she’d found was a rather unusual sight to see, especially in a home such as theirs. Downstairs, they had a kotatsu alongside two Chippendale sofas, dressed in cushions and handwoven quilts while in the kitchen, a running sink had yet to be installed. Every day they would fill basins of water from a spring hidden deep in the surrounding woods – but they did own an electric kettle, for Masae insisted that tea was the most important of treats that one could offer.  Eclectic, she’d once overheard a female friend of her grandmother describe their home as – and if truth was to be told; back then, she hadn’t actually known what the word had meant. It was something she’d wondered aloud once all guest had gone, her hands submerged within murky dishwater and soap and her grandfather had confessed that he had seen many wondrous things abroad in his youth. During war, it had been, and he had fancied himself a trinket or two to bring back to his home. Because of that, to some, their house felt ‘mismatched’ and odd.

Eclectic, as they’d said.

(It had been the first time that she’d heard him speak of the war on his own, and she’d felt ashamed to have been excited over something so wrong.)

Grace’s warm cheek burrowed against the curve of her neck, and her bare feet padded across the wooded floors. Like a duckling upon wet soil.

‘War,’ she thought, softly pushing aside her bedroom door by that of a narrow shoulder. ‘… What a small word for something so big…’

The hallway sat cool and dark – the door of which led to her grandparent’s room, slightly ajar. As though to have her never be quite certain if they’d actually gone to bed or not. For perhaps they, too, fancied themselves to take nightly walks. With paranoia high in her throat, Hikari treaded lightly down the winding stair that led to the first floor. She listened to the world around her, but heard nothing over the beat of her own heart and when she reached the very last step, she sat herself down upon her rump. Grace – sweet as can be – kicked his little feet against her lap and swayed his tail; anxious, terribly so… But perhaps for reasons different than her.

The backdoor stood just to their left.

Her lips pressed against the top of his small head while her fingers, one by one, raked through his short fur. Then, she knelt to the floor and let him climb out of her hold.  By her right knee, he sat himself down; awaiting their usual routine. Her rules, her well wishes… As well as her quiet farewells.

These past two nights, Hikari had let Grace go out to roam all on his own.

(She begun with step one.)

“… Remember now, Grace,” she asked of him, her shaking palm laid upon the door carved from deep, cedar wood. Cool air seeped through the thin vents of which covered its top half – the windows to the quiet outdoors, awaiting him. She held up her three innermost fingers. “When you want to come back inside, you have to scratch upon the door three times.”

As a demonstration, Hikari did exactly so; raked her chewed down nails upon the hard wood door until they positively hurt. Then, by rising to a half stand, she grabbed a hold of its lock.

“Or else I won’t know it’s you.”

Grace made no sound. Gave no acknowledgement that he did, or did not, understand her but, in truth… There was no need for him to. He already knew what he was meant to do. And she knew that, too.  Hikari turned the lock and took a deep, steadying breath, before she rose to her full height. Her palm, laid upon cold brass.

“Be safe.”

He slipped past her bare knees and out into the open meadow in a heartbeat, but a pale speck amongst the tall field grass.  Parting them like the open sea.

All that she could do from then on, was wait.

---

It would be hours until she saw him next.

---

A woman sat in seiza, with her back strung tight and her palms daintily laid upon her lap. Pictures of young men, all differing ages, stood arm in arm until eventually only one remained.  A young boy with chubby, rosy cheeks propped upon his father’s knee. It wasn’t the first time that she’d thumbed through images of the past so late at night – the first had, in fact, been shared by candlelight the very evening that she first arrived. When the words ‘grandma’ and ‘grandpa’ had felt foreign upon her tongue and the expectation of poise hadn’t been so trying. She was but a guise against the earthy tones of their home; a pale, quiet blur amongst hand weaved plaids, embroidered pillows thrown onto a mustard colored chiffon and within her lap – framed by intricate silver and soft, dark velvet – the weight of memories sat. Faded and yellowed, they were snapshots of time. Copies of old paintings, aged photographs and, in some cases, pictures clipped out of newspaper articles as well as simple, glued in Polaroid’s. With each page turn, halted now and again by way of her nightgown getting caught upon fickle edges, a sense of longing bloomed within her breast. A tightness of which she couldn’t quite put into words, and in truth; she didn’t attempt to either.

She’d never been the best at expressing herself – even to herself.

Hikari flipped past several pages.

Alongside longing were, too, pangs of humiliation.

The woman had been Masae, she’d learned as much by the annotations left in faded inks. Sat like a doll at the side of her own father – a man that Hikari unfortunately would never come to meet. Even when young, her grandmother had carried herself with grace different from what one would expect from a simple village girl.  Hikari could still remember the way that her cheeks had baptized with heat as she’d been asked one morning, perhaps as gently as the old woman had felt she could, to practice sitting seiza before the three of them were to visit Mr. Saito and his wife up north that very afternoon. A task that had seemed easy in theory, but terribly difficult in practice – she’d never thought there could be so many wrongs one could make when simply staying seated.

‘Rest your buttocks upon your heels,’ she’d been told – her posture slouched and unfeminine in the most embarrassing of ways as her grandfather watched on – ‘and be mindful, please, to keep your right toe atop your left.’ Only this had been a task and a half to get right, for her knees had quickly begun to ache; as had the tops of her feet where they laid on the hard wood floors. But what had perhaps destroyed her confidence more so than anything else, had been what Hiroji had had to say after all was said and done. That she did well, for it was not easy for beginners by any means… But, unless she wished to look like a boy, then she’d best keep her knees together and not apart.

Horrible.

The line of men were her grandfather’s brothers, and he’d never felt she needed to know much about them.

‘Because you’re nothing like them,’ chimed the voice in her head. ‘Dad, mama and papa. Their family. You’re nothing like them.’

Her fingers felt warm against the albums silver frame – clammy.

She rummaged through the pages again, as though this time – this night – she would find something that would make the pit in her stomach go away. As though there was something that could make her feel like she belonged where she was, and she wasn’t but a strange, foreign girl who forced herself into the lives of others.  As though she could find something that would help her change into something she wasn’t. Frustrated, Hikari curled in onto herself. Hid amongst pages that smelled of faint saccharine perfume and realized once more just how horribly, horribly much her stomach hurt.

“Grace… Please come home soon.”

The world answered her plea with silence, and when she felt that she could stand it no longer – Hikari stood to return the album back to its rightful place. An unattached photo, as though the effort of putting together the album had been lost at some point, fell from pages she had yet to flip through and landed face down on the edge of the carpet near the front door. And, for whatever reason… It gave her pause. The silence, suddenly, deafening. Uncertainly, she placed the album down upon the low kotatsu that acted like the rooms coffee table, before quietly crouched down to her knees. Her butt, propped upon her heels. Her right toe, atop her left.

Her knees, apart.

She grasped the misplaced picture with both hands and felt the corners of her eyes grow wet. Adorned in intricate silks and romantic, pale white paint, two people stood beside one another in a park that now was lost to time. A place somewhere in Ecruteak, if she had to guess, that now had been overtaken by the construction of more modern settlements. Her father, as well as a young woman. Upon his face were a smile that was wider than she’d ever seen him wear before, a showing of his crooked teeth and laughter lines while she, this girl – yes, that was what she was – stood beside him like the ethereal depiction of striking, nymphet youth. Beauty as described by sick men.  His hand sat upon her daintily flared hip and within herself, Hikari felt something unknown brew. She… Couldn’t be much older than herself, this girl. Fourteen, at most, or perhaps just fifteen – while her father looked to be well out of his own youthful years.

Warily, she trailed a finger over the young girl’s lips. Though aged and worn, and grainy beige, the color that once had sat upon them still shone through. A burning red, surely. The color of romance and love.

Her hands trembled with jealousy and-

Scratch.

She froze. Stilled in place, there on the floor, with fingers that suddenly now felt cold. For a moment, Hikari stayed exactly as she was. Her eyes, focusing on the way the handwoven rug before her changed from that of deep, cocoa brown to a creamy beige – until eventually, slowly, her eyes drew towards the front door.  It stood eerily quiet, as though she had but imagined the soft noise that had come from its hard wood and just as she was about to convince herself that it had been so; it began anew.

… Scratch.

The hair at the back of her neck rose to their ends and by the time that the third, notably crueler scuff made its entrance, Hikari slowly rose to her feet. The picture of her father and kimono girl, forgotten.  The moonlight laid square patterns before her feet and it took her a heartbeat, two, before she gathered the strength – or perhaps courage – to finally open the door.

Outside, she found… Nothing. Just the quiet, still outdoors. Overlooking the fields of which had yet to finish grow.

The door was shut as suddenly as it had been opened. Hikari pressed her back against the solid support of the door and tried to calm her breathing, wondering just when it was that her heart had managed to lodge itself in her throat. Why she felt such an overwhelming sense of dread, she didn’t know; but the scent of… Something, quickly overcame her and her tummy hurled with horrible, aching pain.

 Next thing she knew, the sound of her frantic footsteps echoed down the hall towards the downstairs bathroom. Renovated and new and the only part of the home where running water had been installed, the tiles upon the floor felt cold as she fell before the toilet bowl. Hikari heaved into the white porcelain that her grandfather had once so proudly displayed, as though it was an unusual sight to behold, while her hair cascaded over her shoulders and spilled upon the surface of the water below.  A day prior, her grandmother had started to take note of the fact that she was suddenly sleeping in during the mornings, and had pulled her aside during the afternoon to quietly asked if it was due to ‘womanly matters’. Something that had, quite frankly, been mortifying, and Hikari had vigorously denied the claim while she grasped at the older woman’s hands. Her cheeks, flustered and warm.

‘I- I have just felt tired, is all.’ She’d said, a rattle to her voice. ‘It’s nothing like that.’

Still, the next time that she had gone to use the restroom, toiletries had been added to the basket underneath the sink. Feminine products of which had left her feeling horribly ashamed and exposed.

(She hadn’t had the heart to let it be known that the last time she had her period, she’d been fourteen.)

Hikari stared at that dreadful basket now, in the dark of the quiet bathroom. Drool dribbled down her chin, her nightgown sprawled out around her limbs in the mimicry of rose petals and she thought to herself, as her fingers trembled over her stomach where an ache still persisted, that things couldn’t get worse from here.  It took everything in her to rise to her feet, clinging to the bathroom sink as she went and even more so to stay standing when, past the ajar bathroom door, she heard it once more.

Scratch…

… Scratch.

Scratch.

Her heart palpitated hard within her chest as she clung to the fine porcelain and in the mirror, despite the dark, she took note of her own features. Wide eyed, romantically pale white and flustered – a sense of déjà vu overtook her, and upon her shoulder a weight settled. A familiar pulse.  She stumbled out to rip the door open, only to once more find nothing. Just the horrifying, vacant outdoors. Overlooking fields of which had managed to grow far too long. The rolling hills swayed with anemones that hadn’t been there before and Hikari leant her entire weight on the hinges of the old door.

“Grace?!” She called, a horrible gust sweeping past her petite frame and into the quiet home. Right after, it all to begin anew.

Now, coming from the backdoor.

Tugging the door shut, Hikari turned upon her heel. Stared down the hallway between the two worlds as though it had expanded and grown longer right before her eyes. The soft, handwoven rug felt like grass below her bare feet as her palms found the walls of the home, guiding her path as she felt her knees weaken with every step and she could’ve sworn, would’ve sworn, that it took an eternity and more before her hand came to touch upon the cold brass handle once more. Just as she had done hours before.  She was greeted by mewls and something soft rubbing against her bare legs. Grace. With a rattled, shaking breath, Hikari knelt down and scooped the kit into her awaiting lap. Outside, the sound of wind rusting within the trees begun and over the horizon, as daybreak slowly begun to filter over the mountains – birdsong chirped.

The world, once more, alive.

“Oh, Grace…” She beseeched into his soft fur. He smelled of cedar and earth. “Please don’t play tricks on me like that, I was beginning to think I was going… That something had gone wrong.”

Grace, wide eyed and perhaps unknowingly naïve, mewled his reply as though she would understand – and just as she was about to let him free of her grasp… She heard it once more. That rough, sickening sound.

Scratch…

Slowly, her head turned. To gaze beyond her narrow, marred shoulder.

… Scratch.

More forceful, this time. Rougher. Louder. Too blunt to be the claws of a kit.

Scratch.

The backdoor was left unlocked as the sound of her sprint upstairs overtook her senses. At the top, she was met by Masae – awoken by the terrible ruckus downstairs. The franticness of her pleas to get rid of the beast was enough to cause Hikari calm to the point of being able to disregard the whole ordeal – for a moment, at the very least.  That night, however, she did dream of him. Just like once before. Towering over her body, hands that looked nothing like that of Pokémon; but of man, forcing her down against her mattress by the shape of her shoulders.

While, upon his tongue, tar spilling with accusation and cries…

‘Where are you, my lamb?’

‘Where are you, where are you, where are you, w h e r e a r e  y o u?’

---

The next morning, Hikari once more bled.

[liquidchocolatecake]

does anyone know where to find like

two (or maybe one i don't remember) posts analyzing some abnormalities

one was about alephs (blue star and nothing there in particular but there might have been more mentioned) and how they relate to the corporation and plot

and the other one was about burrowing heaven

it's been a while since i saw them so i can't actually remember if it was the same post or different posts but iirc they were both like a couple paragraphs long and i really wanna show my friend because i really liked what they said but i CAN'T FIND IT because tumblr's search system SUCKS

got to the point where i threw caution to the wind and searched "burrowing heaven" without specifying "lobcorp/lobotomy corporation/etc" and the results are exactly what you would expect. and i still didn't find the damn post.

did find someone talking about snakes though which confuses me but hey snakes are cool. and now i'm just imagining burrowing heaven chilling with a bunch of snakes. good mental image.

[marcusagrippa]

hello!! I am that anon from the water ask! (also the same anon who wanted to burrow into the ground, actually!) (sorry in advance for all the links by the way…! i cannot send images through anon orz)

I personally haven’t done a lot of reading on whatever happened to the Mausoleum and its ashes in the later centuries, but from what I’ve seen, the main theory (though only a theory….) is destruction by the Visigoths…unfortunately no one (I’ve read) seems to have a super clear idea of what happened! Mostly due to an absence of concrete evidence (But if I come across anything more solid in future I will send it your way!)

OH that bit from Suetonius! Even before looking it up I was guessing whether it would be the Sunbathing Baby anecdote haha…..and ashfjfkl your sun-moon idea of the statues in the Pantheon is brilliant…

On the Pantheon, I also think it’s really interesting that it was built right opposite the Mausoleum of Augustus….(on one hand there is definitely the imperial image-making component but)…there is some sort of connection to be made (in Vibes *waves hands around due to lack of words*) between the invitation to enshrine someone in the heavens, and the material/mortal assurance of setting someone’s ashes in a place to rest for eternity (perhaps?) next to where you’ll be in future…

[Model of the Pantheon and Mausoleum positions: https://www.researchgate.net/figure/Model-depicting-Campus-Martius-with-the-Mausoleum-of-Augustus-at-the-far-end-Pantheon-in_fig8_327437132 , Model depicting Campus Martius with the Mausoleum of Augustus at the far end, Pantheon in the foreground and the Horologium and Ara Pacis in the middle.]

OHhHh the aqua virgo panel,,!! I love them so much….him in action….

Not very related but here are two other (less ancient) non-water related agrippas for your viewing pleasure…

https://images.app.goo.gl/mPhV1nK4iTf4xjaj8

This is from the facade of Gürzenich in Cologne! Made in the medieval period and thus looking very…medieval…as well

https://commons.m.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Rathausturm_K%C3%B6ln_-_Marcus_Vipsanius_Agrippa_-_Augustus-9899.jpg

-> the pair on the outside of the Cologne City Hall!

(Glad to hear that you enjoyed the article btw!)

OH YOURE SO RIGHT. ENSHRINING IN THE HEAVENS AND LAYING TO REST FOR ETERNITY. i cant put it into words properly either but. something something memory and genius and legacy. you protected me while you were alive and now i will protect what remains of you in death OR i will assure you will continue to defend me even after the end and you are not allowed to leave my side. idk.

thank you for the agrippas! (agrippas? agrippae? agrippi?) the cologne city hall ones are so silly...... they are just standing there......... the medieval one is cool as shit also. agrippa in full armour!!!! unstoppable (more than he already was, anyway-)

yesyes the article was awesome!! in exchange i offer this one, which i have been thinking about a lot. he was pliny's blorbo... (it also talks about his 'excessive servitude' to augustus - i've seen that phrase translated a lot of different ways but excessive servitude is. yyheah. yeah. owie.)

[leafthesocialreject]

The Cremation of Sam McGee

BY ROBERT W. SERVICE

There are strange things done in the midnight sun

By the men who moil for gold;

The Arctic trails have their secret tales

That would make your blood run cold;

The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,

But the queerest they ever did see

Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge

I cremated Sam McGee.

Now Sam McGee was from Tennessee, where the cotton blooms and blows.

Why he left his home in the South to roam 'round the Pole, God only knows.

He was always cold, but the land of gold seemed to hold him like a spell;

Though he'd often say in his homely way that "he'd sooner live in hell."

On a Christmas Day we were mushing our way over the Dawson trail.

Talk of your cold! through the parka's fold it stabbed like a driven nail.

If our eyes we'd close, then the lashes froze till sometimes we couldn't see;

It wasn't much fun, but the only one to whimper was Sam McGee.

And that very night, as we lay packed tight in our robes beneath the snow,

And the dogs were fed, and the stars o'erhead were dancing heel and toe,

He turned to me, and "Cap," says he, "I'll cash in this trip, I guess;

And if I do, I'm asking that you won't refuse my last request."

Well, he seemed so low that I couldn't say no; then he says with a sort of moan:

"It's the cursèd cold, and it's got right hold till I'm chilled clean through to the bone.

Yet 'tain't being dead—it's my awful dread of the icy grave that pains;

So I want you to swear that, foul or fair, you'll cremate my last remains."

A pal's last need is a thing to heed, so I swore I would not fail;

And we started on at the streak of dawn; but God! he looked ghastly pale.

He crouched on the sleigh, and he raved all day of his home in Tennessee;

And before nightfall a corpse was all that was left of Sam McGee.

There wasn't a breath in that land of death, and I hurried, horror-driven,

With a corpse half hid that I couldn't get rid, because of a promise given;

It was lashed to the sleigh, and it seemed to say: "You may tax your brawn and brains,

But you promised true, and it's up to you to cremate those last remains."

Now a promise made is a debt unpaid, and the trail has its own stern code.

In the days to come, though my lips were dumb, in my heart how I cursed that load.

In the long, long night, by the lone firelight, while the huskies, round in a ring,

Howled out their woes to the homeless snows— O God! how I loathed the thing.

And every day that quiet clay seemed to heavy and heavier grow;

And on I went, though the dogs were spent and the grub was getting low;

The trail was bad, and I felt half mad, but I swore I would not give in;

And I'd often sing to the hateful thing, and it hearkened with a grin.

Till I came to the marge of Lake Lebarge, and a derelict there lay;

It was jammed in the ice, but I saw in a trice it was called the "Alice May."

And I looked at it, and I thought a bit, and I looked at my frozen chum;

Then "Here," said I, with a sudden cry, "is my cre-ma-tor-eum."

Some planks I tore from the cabin floor, and I lit the boiler fire;

Some coal I found that was lying around, and I heaped the fuel higher;

The flames just soared, and the furnace roared—such a blaze you seldom see;

And I burrowed a hole in the glowing coal, and I stuffed in Sam McGee.

Then I made a hike, for I didn't like to hear him sizzle so;

And the heavens scowled, and the huskies howled, and the wind began to blow.

It was icy cold, but the hot sweat rolled down my cheeks, and I don't know why;

And the greasy smoke in an inky cloak went streaking down the sky.

I do not know how long in the snow I wrestled with grisly fear;

But the stars came out and they danced about ere again I ventured near;

I was sick with dread, but I bravely said: "I'll just take a peep inside.

I guess he's cooked, and it's time I looked"; ... then the door I opened wide.

And there sat Sam, looking cool and calm, in the heart of the furnace roar;

And he wore a smile you could see a mile, and he said: "Please close that door.

It's fine in here, but I greatly fear you'll let in the cold and storm—

Since I left Plumtree, down in Tennessee, it's the first time I've been warm."

There are strange things done in the midnight sun

By the men who moil for gold;

The Arctic trails have their secret tales

That would make your blood run cold;

The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,

But the queerest they ever did see

Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge

I cremated Sam McGee.

[lokislittlesigyn]

loki and y/n just laying in bed and not doing shit

some stuff is TECHNICALLY done but anon, you couldn’t have sent a better request. i love sleepy fluff like this 🥺

Ugh.

The sickeningly cheery chimes of the alarm pulled you from your sleep, making you scowl immediately in utter revulsion. Curse past you for forgetting to turn the horrid thing off - it was the weekend! You should be sleeping in!

Another chime. You growled in the back of your throat, face burrowed deeper into the pillow. Next to you, a cool form stirred.

”Are you getting that?” Loki muttered, barely above a whisper.

Another chime.

You grunted.

“All right, I’ll get it.” Loki shifted, sitting up on all fours and leaning over you, he stretched to click the “off” button on your phone.

“Oh, you’re a lifesaver…” you whispered, eyes still closed. “Oof- hey, what..”

A weight settled across you, and around you; you felt yourself be pulled close to a firm, gently breathing chest.

“Well, we must make the best of such a morning, shouldn’t we?”

“I wanted to sleep…”

“Even with me here?”

“‘Specially with you here…”

A chuckle. “You’re so cute when you’re tired.”

You wrinkled your nose. Grunted. Lokis arms found their way around you, tugging you - despite soft protests - to lie on top of him as he shifted onto his back. Though you’d lost the soft pocket of warmth you’d previously held, you had to admit that Lokis skin was also soft, and warm, and as an added bonus still smelled vaguely of spices and pine.

“Smell good…” you mumbled, face hidden against his chest. You breathed in. Gods, this was heaven.

…. Was it strange to think of gods right now? Then again, you were situated very comfortably on top of one.

Gods make excellent pillows.

“Smell good? I smell good?” Loki’s voice shook with a snicker.

“Mm.”

“You smell good, too.”

You felt his nose nuzzle against your head, kissing your scalp. Two arms pulled you up a bit closer to his face as his lips found placement along your crown, and down to your forehead - his fingertips tilted your face up to the perfect angle.

You felt your cheeks flush. He wasn’t usually this clingy- well. Okay. Maybe that was a lie. He was extremely clingy, he just hadn’t clung for quite a while.

Perhaps a good cuddling session was overdue.

But your heart kept leaping in your chest with each soft kiss, with each murmur of sweet nothings and quite honestly, you weren’t sure if you’d be able to fall back asleep.

Lokis hands found a comfortable placement on the small of your back before one started smoothing up and down your spine.

“That feels… so good…”

“Does it?” Lokis nose now rested upon the top of your head. “Shall I continue, then?”

“Mmm… I wanna sleep…”

Another chuckle, and the two of you settled down, safe and secure in the solace of each other. You felt Lokis closeness even as you dozed, and in your mind began to dream of warm sunny days spent just like this. Close and comfortable, wishing only for the moment to never-

Your phone screeched out a ring.

You jumped, bracing yourself with your hands on the bed. Eyes wide, you grabbed your phone and slammed it to the side of your face.

“What do you want?!”

“Oh.. I uh…. I.. sorry.”

You clicked the phone off, tossing it back onto the nightstand with a huff.

The bed shook. You turned to the god beneath you. Loki was chuckling, one hand covering half his face.

“What?”

“You’re adorable when you’re angry. Such a little spitfire.”

“I’m not little…” You grumbled, burrowing back under the covers, your body settling perfectly against Lokis. One leg draped over him - which he caught the thigh of with his palm, giving a gentle squeeze - your head against his shoulder, you felt more comfortable than ever.

“Yes you are. You’re a mortal - every one of you is absurdly tiny.”

“Gee, thanks.” You yawned, snuggling closer.

“Who was that on the phone?” Loki muttered, voice low and calm once more.

“…. Co worker.”

“A co worker?

“It was Banner, okay?”

“… Bruce Banner?”

“Yeah.”

“… Darling, did you just scream at the Hulk?”

“He wasn’t the Hulk! It was clearly Banner - aren’t we supposed to be sleeping?”

“Truth be told, I’m not sure what we’re doing.” Loki tilted his head, smiling at you.

“Mm…” Your eyes met his and you couldn’t help the smile that spread across your face. He was just so beautiful - especially with the messy black curls that framed his perfect features, tired eyes and absolutely adoring smile. “I dunno either,” you conceded.

“Well, I quite like whatever we’re doing.”

“Yeah? And why’s that?”

Loki leaned closer, kissing your lips just once. “Because it’s with you.”

[beeradgirlfriend-archived]

Trueform

Day 1 angel/trueform - falling happy birthday @justcastiel!

The scent stuck fast to his wings. Thick and pungent. When he described it to the human, he said,

“Like a bird, after an oil spill.”

The angel disagreed. Not like a bird after an oil spill. Like an angel, about to die.

To fall into oblivion. The feathers webbed together with the sludge of doubt. One feather shed after the other.

His head was spinning, and the ground beneath felt like the trembling condensation of a cloud.

With a move to the bed, the angel sat.

“I’m dying.”

The human reaches towards him and spreads his hand.

“Woah, woah. Who said anything about death?”

The angel’s head rose, his heavy-lidded eye drooped like running ink.

“Doubting, it’s a death sentence. In heaven— I— Without grace–” the sentence was full of starts, that from the get-go were also stops. There was nothing to be said.

The human reached out his hand once again, a pale mimicry of the angel’s healing touch.

“Hey, we can get this patched up. Find someone to zap you back.”

The touch was cooling on the cosmic skin.

“You know it doesn’t work that way.”

The human held tighter.

“We always find a way. Look at me; to hell and back, thanks to you.”

“Well, I was an angel. You’re a man.”

The tension in the human’s body sprang. He recoiled.

Silence.

Calloused flesh press tentatively against a thigh.

Softly “Yeah, and maybe you will be too.”

The angel remembers the human mechanism of breathing. The dawning of creation in the drawing of a breath. Lungs. Diaphragm. Heart. Blood. Roaring in his ears. Pounding.

“Somethings are worth fighting for, you know. You taught me that.” the thickness is spreading to the angel’s throat.

“Well, maybe some things are worth falling for.”

The bed under them shifts and groans.

“What are you fighting for?” the human presses on.

“Heaven”

The human lets out a brittle laugh.

“Heaven, hell. Same circus, different monkeys.”

The angel frowns.

“You still fight.”

The human’s hands were hot now. Seering through the fabric to his skin, burrowing into his meat and muscle.

“Yeah, yeah,”

The angel stood shaking.

“So,” the human repeated, “why fight?” as he rose to the angel’s side. He plants his hand firmly on the angel’s side.

“Humanity, you know, we’re not all bad.”

The room shudders. The rain outside dripping in slow motion.

“I know.” the angel’s breathing stills.

The human’s index finger trails up his neck.

“Human’s though, we have to breathe.” he pressed.

An inhale, and with it, the whispered words of another’s breath against his neck. Sliding into his skin, it says. Castiel. A breath out, deep. Cas.

“Yes, breathing, I know.”

The human nods his head into the curve of the angel’s neck. Lips warm and silk slide against the angel’s, as hands travel down towards the blades of his shoulder.

The world in fast motion. The slick of feathers falling away, supplanted by the wire antenna of a motel television, a pack of cigarettes crushed under wingfall, crumpled burger wrappers and stained napkins, the blare of a horn, the bright, bright blinding headlights, the lips, pressing into his spine.

Each feather falls, accompanied by the vertebra clicking into place. The heart lubing and dubing. And the breath-

“Dean.”

“I know,” the human nods. His hands slipped below fabric, searing into Cas.

“Dean”

“I know, Cas.”

The dawn of a being, a human being, was sealed with the breath passed between the lips.

[prettybuckybaby]

zero to sixty, in three-point-five

read on ao3 here

18+

“Wanna…wanna f-fuck you,” Steve mumbles into Bucky’s chest one evening. They’re basking in the post-coital bliss, tucked beneath the blankets, Steve’s damp hair tickling where his head rests on Bucky’s chest, muscular but impossibly soft.

“Yeah?” Bucky chuckles, bringing his metal hand up to thread through Steve’s hair. “You gon’ tell me about it? How you’re gonna fuck me?”

“Mmh,” Steve shifts slightly, nuzzling further into the broad expanse of Bucky’s torso. “Wanna…make you feel good,”

“Yeah? You wanna make Daddy feel good? Treat Daddy right?”

“Mmh,”

“Wanna use your body to make me feel good? Yeah?” Bucky snickers as he flips them over so he’s hovering over Steve’s body, crotches lined up and grinding against each other softly as Bucky gently rocks both of their bodies. “Gonna use your little clit to make me come? Make me come so hard and then use my body to make you come inside Daddy?”

“Nuh…no,” Steve whimpers, shaking his head. “Just…make you feel good,”

“Awe,” Bucky coos, ruffling Steve’s hair. He laughs at the way Steve scrunches his nose up. “Not even bothered about coming, Stevie? Just wanna keep going until your daddy has his fill?”

“Uh huh,” Steve nods, but he squeezes his eyes shut and covers as much of his red face as he can in the crook of his elbow. “Like…like a toy to make…make Daddy feel good,”

“Hmm,” Bucky presses a grin into Steve’s cheek, rolling his hips a little faster. “And good little toys don’t need to come, do they? Good little toys don’t need to be distracted by something as silly as an orgasm, right, sweetheart?”

“D-don’t need to come, just…just Daddy. Need Daddy’s come, please,”

“Hmm,” Bucky purrs into Steve’s neck. “You’d be such a good toy for Daddy, doll face.”

---------------

They don’t talk about it in bed the next morning like Steve thinks they would. He wakes up to the smell of pancakes drifting through the house, the sound of Bucky humming along to the music that is playing, the music that Peter introduced them too that Steve cannot stand but Buck seems to have taken a shine to. He groans as he rolls out of his bed, picking up one of Bucky’s hoodies off the floor and pulling it over his head. He stumbles as he tries to step into a pair of boxers. He’s only slightly disgusted that he doesn’t know whose they are.

He staggers into the kitchen, stifling a yawn, and plasters himself against Bucky’s back. The other man groans playfully at the added weight but doesn’t make any move to get Steve off him.

“Mornin’, Stevie,” Bucky chuckles, deep with sleep. Steve mewls as he tries to burrow himself into Bucky’s skin.

“Mmhm ‘addy,”

“Still sleepin’, bunny?” Steve hums softly. “That’s okay. You want some coffee?”

---

They don’t talk about what Steve said when he was half awake and half floating after they’ve eaten breakfast and have both woken up more. They don’t talk about it on their run, or in the shower after their run, or even while they’re making out on the couch in the early afternoon, ignoring the film they had started watching.

They don’t talk about it the day after, or the day after that, or even the day after that. He’s not worried that Bucky has forgotten about it, Buck never forgets anything that Steve says. He doesn’t think that Bucky has forgotten, but Bucky normally brings these things up, whether it’s in casual conversation or as a negotiation, but Bucky seems content to forget all about it. Or, at least, not talk about it.

Steve cannot forget all about it.

He’s not sure why it’s bothering him so much. It’s not like he’s never topped before. Fair enough, they don’t switch positions often, and they never switch their roles, but Steve has fucked Bucky on many occasions. So it’s not like it’s something he’s nervous about, there’s no reason for him to be so worked up, but there’s…something. Some sort of energy buzzing under his skin and he can’t get the thoughts out of his head.

---------------

It turns out Bucky has absolutely not forgotten about it. In fact, once they get started, it’s pretty clear he’s been thinking about it a lot.

It takes a few weeks for it to come up, and at first Steve isn’t even aware it’s happening. He comes back home from a late lunch with Sam and Bucky is sat on their couch, dressed in his workout gear, loose t-shirt and baggy shorts, beer in his hand. Steve frowns slightly at the sight, confused. He knows Bucky hasn’t been to the gym today and he knows Bucky’s showered within the past hour or so, can smell the hints of coconut from the fancy shampoo Bucky insists they buy. His hair is pulled into a low bun at the back of his head, a few strands falling loose and framing his face. But Bucky never really wears his gym stuff outside of the gym, only when they…oh. Only when they’re playing.

He’s already ready to go. Zero to sixty in three-point-five.

“You’re back,” Bucky murmurs, not taking his eyes off the hockey game that is playing on the television. He doesn’t look up, but he does frown. “You’re overdressed. Fix it,” Steve swallows down a whine that threatens to burst out of his throat, closes his eyes, takes a moment and breathes deeply. It’s the first order he’s been given and it’s far too early to embarrass himself. Bucky clears his throat, and that’s when Steve realises he hasn’t made a move yet, hasn’t even started to kick his shoes off. He swallows again as he begins to strip off, making sure to do it the way Bucky likes even though the other man isn’t watching him, has turned all his attention back to the game. He takes the time to fold each piece of his clothing how he knows Bucky expects him to, placing them neatly on the table by the door. Steve’s barely put the pile down before Bucky is snapping his fingers and pointing at the floor between his spread legs. He takes one step before Bucky clicks his tongue.

“S…sorry, Daddy,”

“Hmm,” Bucky hums, unconvinced, eyes still glued to the game. “Goin’ dumb already? Forgettin’ the rules so quickly?” His voice is laced in mock disappointment, a voice that serves only one purpose: fluster Steve. Steve whines softly as his cheeks heat up, body making a quiet thud against the carpet as he falls to his knees. He crawls over to Bucky slowly.

Bucky doesn’t even look down at him when he settles between Bucky’s legs, just puts his hand not holding the beer into Steve’s hair, tugging his hair back sharply. He snorts when Steve breathes in abruptly through his teeth.

“Get me out,” Bucky sighs, moving his hand down the back of Steve’s head and tugging on the lobe of his ear. “Ten minutes of the game left. Wanna come before it’s finished,”

“Yes, Daddy,” Steve murmurs, bringing his hands up to the waistband of Bucky’s shorts. He pulls them down swiftly, lets himself nuzzle against his daddy’s cock when it’s exposed. He feels Bucky twitch against his cheek, the only suggestion that Bucky isn’t as cool and calm as he pretends to be.

“Nine minutes,” Bucky’s voice sounds further away than it did before, clouded by the fog already settling in in Steve’s head. “Better hurry up, slut. Don’t wanna disappoint me, do you?”

“No,” He doesn’t need Bucky to verbalise any sort of threat, doesn’t have to hear what Buck will do if Steve doesn’t manage to obey. He whimpers suddenly when Bucky fists his hand through Steve’s hair again and tugs backwards harshly. Bucky’s eyes are hard when they meet Steve’s. Steve tries his hardest not to let his eyes close as he sobs. “Daddy! No, Daddy! ‘M sorry,”

“Good.” Bucky lets go of his hair again, turns back to the tv without sparing Steve another glance. “Eight minutes, thirty-seven,”

Steve’s not sure he’s even been so hard so quickly. It’s a mixture of the pain and the way Bucky is ignoring him, using him to get off but not giving him any attention. He doesn’t really know, isn’t sure, how he’s meant to get through the scene without coming until he’s giving permission.

He tries to distract himself as he sucks Bucky’s cock, but with the way his mind is getting foggier the longer he’s on his knees, he’s finding it difficult to focus on anything beyond the cock in his mouth. It’s heavy and hot and fills him up so nicely. He loves the way Bucky feels inside him, anyway at all, but if someone held a gun to his head and told him to choose, he’s probably say this is his favourite way. There’s just something so… nice about being on his knees in front of the man he loves, choking and spluttering and gagging on his cock, making Bucky feel good, not having to focus on anything except for pleasing his man.

It takes him off guard when Bucky spills down his throat, whatever grunts he makes muffled by the opening of the beer bottle in his mouth. Steve sighs happily when Bucky pulls him off his cock, making small, confused, pouty noises when Bucky pushes him back down, further. Steve mouths at the underside of his daddy’s cock, unsure what he’s expecting him to do. Bucky just laughs softly, keeps pushing Steve’s head, down the length of his cock and past his balls and oh.

Bucky’s laugh is breathy when he hears Steve’s broken whimper, feels Steve’s eyes fluttering against his thigh.

“You gonna get Daddy ready?” Bucky asks. He lifts one of his legs off the floor, stepping out of his shorts and setting his foot on the table next to where he’s set down his beer. Steve whimpers as the new position gives him more access to his daddy’s hole. “Yeah, that’s it,” Bucky encourages as Steve starts to lick, his laps growing more confident with Bucky’s low moans. “Such a good little toy,”

“Mmh,”

“Good,” Bucky shuffles slightly, bringing his hips forward. Steve moves with him, easy with the change of angle. “Give Daddy a finger, come on,”

Steve is…Steve is in heaven. He’s slow as he pushes a single finger into Bucky’s tight heat, moans even louder than Bucky does at the sensation. He’s slow, treats Bucky right, crooks his finger just right to rub over the bundle that he knows will drive his daddy wild and is rewarded with the most beautiful sound he thinks he’ll ever hear; a low groan of a noise, a deep rumble, a happy daddy sound and Steve ups his effort to make Bucky make more of those sounds. He takes his time but he still goes at Buck’s speed, adding another finger when he rumbles out “Another, Steve, c’mon,”.He laps around where Bucky’s rim is stretched around three of Steve’s fingers, not stopping even when he feels his spit drooling down his chin, dropping onto his own tits.

He lets out an embarrassingly high-pitched whine when Bucky pushes him back, bare foot pushing against his shoulder, not hard but firm enough that Steve can’t really push back against it, knows it won’t be well received. His face flushes when Bucky chuckles. He glances up, and it’s not fair how unaffected Bucky looks; his pupils are blown and there’s barely any blue in his eyes, but beyond that and the slight pink blush on his cheeks, barely noticeable if you’re not Steve, Bucky looks the same as he did when Steve stepped into their house. Even as he’s still got three of Steve’s fingers buried inside of him.

“You want somethin’, sugar?” Bucky asks, voice light with laughter. Steve’s own voice is barely above a whisper.

“Please,”

“Aw,” It’s almost effortless, the way Bucky changes from carefree and laughing to downright mocking Steve, cruel grin lighting up his face. “Stevie, you gotta problem down there?” He nods down to Steve’s cock, standing proud and deep red. Steve’s cheeks heat up to match the colour, and his eyes drop, trying to hide. Bucky purses his lips, clicks his tongue, and then makes Steve sob. “You think you’re gonna be able to last long enough to fuck Daddy?”

“Daddy!”

“Uh huh,” Bucky nods, frowning somewhat. He sighs, put on, when Steve peers back up at him. “I thought this might happen,” He smiles sympathetically, carding his fingers gently through Steve’s hair. “Got you a present to help you though, Stevie. What do we say?” He sounds so genuine, is the thing, like he was actually worried about Steve not managing and he actually wanted to help. Later, Steve will curse himself for falling for the act, falling into the trap Bucky set up so perfectly. For now, though, he smiles drowsily up at Bucky.

“Thank…thank you, Daddy,” It’s this moment that Bucky’s smirk comes back, big and cruel, and Steve realises his mistake. He swallows.

“You’re very welcome, baby,” Bucky pushes Steve back further, snickering at the look of Steve’s face when his fingers slide out with a wet sound. “Come on, come to the bedroom,” He helps Steve to his feet, steadying him when he stumbles slightly. Steve lets out a soft, happy moan when Bucky pulls him forwards, velvety lips meeting his own, moving together sweetly. He blinks heavily when Bucky pulls away, eyes clearing to see the amused look on Bucky’s face. “C’mon, doll. Don’t go dumb on me just yet. You’ve got a job to do,” He grins as he takes Steve’s hand in his own, tugging him up the stairs and towards their bedroom. Steve lets out a surprised gasp when Bucky suddenly pushes him backwards, big paw of a hand right in the middle of Steve’s chest, pressing him onto the bed. Bucky laughs and Steve swallows when Bucky kisses his cheek. He knows Bucky so well, better than anyone else in the world, and he knows what that kiss means. He’s not going to like what’s coming up. He’s going to love it, sure, but he’s not going to like it. Bucky’s clever like that. “Still w’ me, Stevie?” His head nods without him having to think, his voice horse.

“Gr’n, Daddy,”

“Good,” Bucky coos, patting his cheek just a little more than gently but not enough to sting. A love tap, in Bucky’s books. “You stay here, Daddy’s gonna go and get your gift, ‘kay?”

“Mmh’kay, Daddy,”

“Good boy,” He tracks Bucky’s movements until he’s deep inside their closet, hidden by the walls. Steve lets his eyes drift shut, trying to focus on the sound of Bucky pottering around, trying to calm himself down. He tries not to think about the gift that Bucky has gotten him, sure that it’s not going to be as nice as Bucky is making it out to be. He’s fairly certain that it will be some sort of ring, something to stop him coming as soon as he’s inside Bucky, something that can help him last. He understands, it’s entirely likely that as soon as he’s settled inside Bucky he won’t be able to help himself, but Bucky knows as well as Steve does that coming won’t stop him. They can both go six, seven, even eight times in one night at a push, barely going soft in between, so it’s not like coming too soon is going to prevent him from pleasing Bucky. But the thing with the cock ring, what he’s assuming Bucky is aiming for, is that Steve gets so impossibly sensitive with the ring on, unable to come but getting desperate to. It never fails to entertain Bucky when Steve gets like that. So, he assumes that’s what Bucky’s going to do.

He’s startled when Bucky clears his throat. His eyes fly open to meet Bucky’s, apology already on the tip of his tongue, but Bucky just smiles, cuts him off.

“Hi, baby,” His voice is sweet, more so than usual when the ring makes an appearance, and makes Steve second guess his assumptions. He still moans, though.

“Daddy…” Bucky chuckles as he makes his way over to the bed, crawling up Steve’s body until they’re face to face. He’s lost the rest of his clothes while he’s been gone, body beautifully bare and right up against Steve and Steve’s fairly sure this is an attempt on his life. It’s the only explanation. That’s Bucky’s aim for today’s play, and Steve is more than okay with anything Bucky wants. If Daddy wants it, Daddy can have it.

“You wanna see what I got you?”

“Please,” Steve whines, trying to stop his hips from humping up against Bucky’s solid thigh but it’s hard. Bucky’s thigh’s right there and Steve can feel it and it takes everything in him keep his hips down. Bucky grins, holding himself up with his metal arm, body hovering effortlessly. It’s not fair.

“I know you wanna make Daddy feel good, but ‘M just a lil worried that you won’t be able to last, doll,” He frowns mockingly as his right-hand slips between their bodies and flicks the head of Steve’s cock. He grins gleefully when Steve’s cock spurts a little. “See what I mean?” He laughs cruelly when Steve’s face glows red. “And I just wanna help you do what you want to do,” Steve’s fully expecting the ring. It’s the only thing in his head that makes any sense, so he’s a bit confused when Bucky just holds a dildo up. The confusion must be clear on his face, because Bucky’s grin turns into a sly smirk. Steve whimpers when Bucky turns the toy so the hollow base is visible. It suddenly clicks in Steve’s head. That’s going on his…yeah. This is definitely an attempt on his life. Bucky’s out to kill him. “Aren’t I the best Daddy, Stevie? Helping you like this?” Bucky laughs when Steve starts crying.

“Daddy!”

“You don’t sound very grateful, doll face,” Bucky frowns mockingly, lips pouting out slightly. “If you wanna make Daddy feel good, he deserves as long as he wants, right? You don’t wanna disappoint me, do you? Don’t wanna fill me up too soon so I can’t feel you?”

“Wanna…” Steve swallows as he shakes his head quickly. “Wanna make Daddy feel good,”

“Yeah, I thought so,” Bucky nods, huffing out a laugh. “You’ll be good and let me put this on you, yeah?” He doesn’t wait for Steve to respond, just lifts his hips up high enough that he can slip the straps of the harness around Steve’s waist. He pushes Steve hips back down when the straps are flat under his body, bringing them around the front and attaching one side to the ring at the end of the dildo. Steve doesn’t know where he found the time to reach for the lube, but when Bucky’s hand wraps around the length of his cock, it’s wet and warm and Steve’s in heaven. Or hell, judging by the sob that forces its way out of his throat.

Bucky’s hand moves up and down only twice before the toy is being lowered down over his cock. He whimpers when Bucky attaches the strap to the other side of the ring and tightens it, using his finger to make sure the material isn’t digging into Steve’s hips. Steve watches this time as Bucky reaches for the lube, putting more onto his hand and bringing his hand down to Steve’s cock.

He feels…disconnected. From his own body. He’s watching as Bucky’s hand moves up and down slowly, twisting just the way that Steve loves. He’s watching it happen, but he can’t feel it. Bucky snickers cruelly before he takes his hand away. He rolls over and settles against the pillows, shuffling back until he’s comfortable. He turns to Steve and raises his eyebrow.

“Come on then, toy,” Steve whimpers at the name, fighting to keep his eyes open. “Come and make me feel good. Do your job,” Steve’s slow as he makes his way over to Bucky, climbs up his body and holds himself up with one of his hands. He uses the other to steady the toy, line it up with Bucky’s hole. He knows Bucky can take it, has had Steve’s fingers in him for the better part of an hour, but he still goes slowly, lets Bucky feel every inch of the toy, of him, entering him. He wiggles only slightly as he bottoms out, snivelling at the sound of Bucky’s low groan as he gets used to the intrusion.

“Move,” He grunts out, tangling his hands in Steve’s hair and tightening them only slightly, enough to pull Steve’s head backwards to encourage him to move. “This is just what you wanted, right?” He groans out, grinning at the broken whimper that comes out of Steve’s mouth. “Just to be a toy for your Daddy’s pleasure, not distracted by that tiny clit between your legs?” Steve’s skin burns right down his body, his chest ablaze with the feeling Bucky is creating for him. “Maybe…maybe next time you can…you can be a pretty little flesh light for me. Nice and tight and-” He gasps sharply as Steve rocks forward sharply, right into his prostate. “-and hot, bouncing up an’ down on my cock like a lil bunny, pleasing me so well. Just like now,”

“Dad-ddy,” Steve whines, tears falling down his face and falling onto Bucky beneath him. Bucky frowns at the sound, pouting and widening his eyes.

“Oh, that’s not a happy noise,” He mocks, brushing Steve’s hair out of his face. He grips Steve’s chin, forces his face up, making his eyes meet his. “Doesn’t Daddy feel good, Stevie? You don’t sound like he feels good,”

“Daddy!” Steve sobs loudly, hips stuttering and face trying to fall into Bucky’s shoulder. The other man doesn’t let him hide, keeping his grip strong in the fringe of Steve’s hair and on his chin. Bucky is cruel, Steve realises, so terribly cruel. He knows what Bucky is doing, how he’s trying to make Steve feel and it’s working so well. Bucky keeps frowning.

“You’re making Daddy feel inadequate, baby. It’s my job to make you feel good. Is Daddy doing a bad job? Does Daddy not feel good?” It’s the most delicious mindfuck Steve has ever felt. He whines as Bucky looks at him expectantly, knowing what he wants him to say.

“Feel…” Steve gulps harshly, eyes closing and breathing going deep. His voice is quiet when he continues, breaking on each word. “Feels so good,” He opens his eyes again just in time to see Bucky’s smirk slowly grow.

“Good, baby,” He coos, letting go of Steve’s chin and instead patting him mockingly on the cheek. “I’m glad you’re feelin’ good. Makes me feel like a good Daddy, knowin’ that I’m pleasin’ you.” Steve groans, his hips stuttering again and resting flush against Bucky’s. The other man pinches the skin of Steve’s hip with a tut, causing him to yelp before continuing his movements. “Don’t ruin it, toy. You’ve been fuckin’ me so good, so well, make me feel so good, you better not stop now,”

“Won’t!” Steve gasps out, lifting himself back up and continuing his thrusts, harder and deeper than before, doing his best to please Bucky.

“Fuck,” The other man groans, fingers digging into Steve’s hips unintentionally with the pleasure. “Right there, toy, fuck,” Steve moans in tandem with Bucky, hips rolling forwards and slapping against Bucky’s skin, even if he can’t feel anything. He didn’t expect this to do it for him, not so much, but seeing the pleasure he’s giving Bucky without feeling anything? He’s feeling disconnected from his body in the best way.

The first time Bucky comes, Steve isn’t expecting it. He hasn’t noticed Bucky’s hand sneaking down in between them and starting to squeeze, to pull at himself. Bucky groans through it, not stopping his hand and not telling Steve to pause in his movements, milking the come out of himself.

“Keep going,” Bucky’s breathing is a little heavier than before, eyes still closed in pleasure. Steve imagines the way that Bucky would feel around him if he didn’t have this damn toy on, the way he would be clenching around him as he comes, the tight heat, the wet slide.

Steve’s so lost in his head he doesn’t notices that Bucky’s coming again, so soon after the last one. The noise he makes is more high pitched this time, the sensation of Steve still fucking into him quickly becoming too much when paired with the two successive orgasms.

“Wait,” He gasps, hands gripping Steve’s shoulders, stilling his movements. “Stop, toy,” His eyes are still closed, breathing heavily and voice mumbled. “Finished using you, finished playing,”

Bucky takes longer than he strictly needs to catch his breath, perfectly happy to watch at Steve squirms and whines and tries to get his attention. When he’s got his breath back, he rolls out from under Steve, manhandling him until he’s lying on his back with his hands gripping the bed frame, pressing down on them so Steve knows to keep them there. He himself lays on his side, facing his baby, letting his cheek rest on the palm of his hand. He’s slow as he undoes the straps of the harness, unclipping them and unthreading them from the base of the toy, but leaving the dildo over Steve’s cock. The other man chokes on a sob when Bucky slowly jacks the toy, eyes shining.

“Since you’re just a toy, you don’t need to come, right?” Bucky practically purrs, giddy in the afterglow of his orgasms, feasting off the whines Steve is producing. “That’s what you said to me, right? ‘Don’t need to come!’” He pitches his voice high, nasally, using it to taunt and embarrass Steve, grinning when he squeezes his eyes shut, turning his face away from Bucky to hide in his arms. Bucky just reaches out and grips his chin, hard, forcing his eyes open and to look at him. “’Just need Daddy’s come!’ That’s what you told me, yeah?”

“Don’t…don’t need to come,” Steve parrots, moans, low and broken, voice heavy with tears.

“But…” Steve perks up slightly when Bucky’s fingers leave his chin and reach down from the toy, lifting it slowly, so so slowlyoff Steve’s cock and letting it fall to the floor with a quiet thud. “That looks painful, Stevie,” Bucky coos as he nods at Steve’s cock, encouraging him to look down at it. Steve whimpers when he sees it, deep red and ever so stiff and leaking so much. “And ‘M not a cruel Daddy, am I, baby?”

“No, Nuh-uh,” Steve shakes his head as he answers quickly. “The…the best Daddy-”

“Yeah, I know,” Bucky laughs, holding a finger over Steve’s lips to get him to be quiet. “I’m not cruel, not gonna make you sleep like that, all heavy and full, so I’ll give you a choice,”

“Wha…”

“Hush,” Bucky shushes him, but not harshly, a complete contrast to the next words that come out of his mouth. “A choice. I can go and get the ice, or you can have a ruin.”

“No!” Steve wails. He sobs as Bucky smirks down at him, raising an eyebrow. “Please, Daddy, I-”

“You are just a toy.” Bucky sneers, slapping his hand down harshly on the meat of Steve’s tit, scoffing at the shrieking noise that Steve fails to hold in. “You’re my toy. And I’m bein’ gracious enough to give you a choice, Steven. I’m being nice. I don’t haveta be,” He uses the same hand that he slapped Steve with to tug at his nipple instead. “You got three seconds to make a choice, or Daddy’ll make it for you. And Daddy’s startin’ to lose his patience,” Steve sobs at the sing-song tone in Bucky’s voice, the way his eyes are shining. He tries his best to think about which of the two options are the best, which one will hurt less but his mind doesn’t seem to want to work. He’s struggling to think beyond the pinch of Bucky’s metal fingers on his nipples and the ache in his cock, that’s heavy and purpling and weeping and-

“Wanna-” His voice breaks around the word, throat impossibly dry. “Wanna empty, please,”

“Good choice,” Bucky finally relents on Steve’s tits, rearranging himself so he’s on his back and leaning against the stack of pillows. He holds his right hand over Steve’s mouth. “Lick,” He tells him, voice sounding bored, while his attention focuses on turning the tv on and flicking through the channels. When he’s decided that his hand is wet enough, he clenches it into a loose fist and holds it above Steve’s cock, just high enough that Steve will have to struggle to fuck up into without the use of his hands. “Get on with it, then,” Bucky says, voice light like he’s not interested, like he’s paying attention to the dumb reality show that he’s landed on. Steve knows it’s just an act, but God is Bucky the star of the show, the best actor Steve has ever seen, playing a role that was literally written for him. It’s an act, but it works so well, spurs Steve on to do a good job, to please his daddy.

Steve whimpers almost continuously as he thrusts his hips up, having to plant his feet into the mattress to get any sort of stimulation from Bucky’s loose hand. He’s close embarrassingly quickly, despite not having had his cock touched for more than a few seconds at the start of their scene. He tries to tell Bucky this, but the words won’t come out of his mouth.

Bucky doesn’t need the words though. He never has, has always been able to read Steve like he’s his favourite book, cover well worn and pages becoming tattered with the amount of thumbing through that has happened. He doesn’t even look at Steve as he tightens his hand, starts jacking up and down quickly. Steve’s mouth drops open but no sound comes out. He tries, tries to warn Bucky, he’s right on the edge, is teetering over, is starting to-

Bucky takes his hand away.

Steve sobs, loud and uninhibited, tears pouring out of his eyes at the sudden loss of sensation. He’s vaguely aware of one of Bucky’s paws on his chest, holding him down and stopping him thrusting up in any capacity. He can’t focus on anything, there’s nothing to ground him, to take him away from this feeling of anguish he is feeling.

He stops coming at some point, can feel his dick twitch as it finishes, leaving him feeling empty but terribly unsatisfied, an achy buzz he can’t escape from.

He can’t focus on anything, mind floating somewhere a million miles from earth. He can feel the vibrations of someone, Daddy, talking, whispering into his skin as something warm glides over Steve’s body. He can’t make out the individual words his daddy is saying, but he can feel the smiles, the soft kisses being littered across his warm skin.

When he lands again, he’s not sure how much time has passed. He’s face down on the bed, still naked, but he can feel his hair is damp, can smell the coconut of the shampoo. There are fingers dancing up and down the expanse of his back. He lets out a hoarse giggle.

“You back w’ me, Stevie?” Bucky whispers, hands stilling for a moment before they continue their journey up and down Steve’s back. Steve can’t answer with more than a hum but does turn his face and blinks owlishly up at Bucky. “There he is, my gorgeous boy,”

“Daddy…”

“The most beautiful boy. The best boy, best I could ever ask for. You were so good for me, Stevie,” Bucky smiles into Steve’s hair as he presses kisses into the softness. Steve presses into the feeling, squirming and wriggling on the bed, trying to get closer to Bucky. The other man chuckles at him, using one of his legs to hook over Steve’s, pulling him until he’s lying right on top of Bucky’s body, hairs tickling Bucky’s nose.

“Mhmm,” Steve sighs, nuzzling his cheek into Bucky’s chest.

“You’re like a damn cat, Stevie.”

Steve purrs happily.