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maxknightley · 7 months

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Which Touhou Girls Can You Plausibly Read As Butch? A Comprehensive Overview

Earlier on Tumblr I saw a post complaining that someone called Hecatia Lapislazuli from Touhou Project butch. This is Hecatia Lapislazuli:

Obviously, like most Touhou characters, she is in fact quite feminine - she just shops at Hell Hot Topic. But it got me thinking: In a series like Touhou, with a cast overwhelmingly defined by feminine (if rowdy) ladies, how many characters could you say are 'butch' without sounding like a complete doofus or significantly redesigning them to fit your headcanon?

CRITERIA

I'll be using four main criteria to judge characters' butchness. In real life, of course, butchness is a multivalent and extremely personal thing, but I'm talking about funny cartoon women from a video game here, so I'm willing to be a little reductive.

These criteria, in order of descending importance, are:

FASHION. In a series where goddamn near everyone is in either a dress or a skirt, the mere act of Wearing A Dress Shirt can be enough to make a powerful statement. Hats may also play a role here, given how many Touhou characters have gay little hats.

HAIRSTYLE. Short hair is not the be-all and end-all of butchness. I, myself, am Decidedly Butch even though I've been growing out my hair since college. But the length and styling of the hair are still a valuable indicator of how someone thinks of themself and wants to be seen.

'TUDE. Could this character be accurately described as "kind of a frat boy?" How do they speak to others? Do they just kind of seem like a character who ought to be butch, regardless of their looks? Do they even lift?

COMEDY FACTOR. Self-explanatory. This will probably only come into play if I run into a weird edge case.

I'll also emphasize that we're grading on a curve here - butchness is being assessed relative to the characters who do not appear on this list. Nobody in this series has a buzzcut, you know what I mean?

THE TIER LIST

AS CLOSE TO CANON AS WE'LL GET

Fujiwara no Mokou. The girl wears a dress shirt, fucking suspenders, and trousers. Not shorts, actual full-length pants. She's also in a perpetual love-hate mutual-murder situationship with Princess Kaguya, who is femme as all fuck. Obviously you don't have to be butch to date a femme - I'm just saying it feels Fitting given their whole deal.

Yuugi Hoshiguma. Most of the time, her fashion sense is actually quite feminine - but her look in the most recent chapter of Cheating Detective Satori, with the one exposed shoulder and the sarashi and all that, significantly alters the balance. Her hair actually reads as more masc to me when she keeps it long and unruly - when she puts it up in a ponytail, she ends up looking very kempt, even elegant. The deciding factor here is 'Tude: Her sheer levels of butch swag are off the fucking charts. (Still, I wouldn't blame someone for arguing she should be knocked down a tier - especially since I'd argue the Comedy Factor works in reverse here. She's way funnier if she doesn't think of herself as butch in the slightest.)

Minamitsu Murasa. In his original appearance I'd argue that Murasa is in "Reasonable" tier - maybe even as low as "Kind of a Stretch." But her big gay Jotaro jacket in Sunken Fossil World, combined with the emphasis on the weightiness and solidity of his trademark anchor, put her over the top. One of the only Touhou girls I consider worthy of being He/Himmed.

Shinmyoumaru Sukuna. The other He/Him-worthy Touhou girl. Very short, slightly messy hair; wears a kimono, not a dress; inheritor of Issun-Boshi's legacy; wears fucking dinnerware as a hat. Why do you want to be Big so badly, huh? So you can pick up women more easily? So you can carry your awful wife through the upside-down threshold of your upside-down bedroom?

Raiko Horikawa. For the longest time I thought her skirt was a pair of shorts because I straight up could not parse it as anything else. Even now I'm like "that can't possibly be a skirt, ZUN just drew it weird. She has to be wearing a full two-piece suit." Skirt aside, her jacket/dress shirt/necktie are still undeniable, as is her short hair. Also, she is a taiko drum given life, and I feel like taiko and timpanis are naturally butch. Maybe if she was a tambourine or a set of bongos I'd rank her lower?

Momoyo Himemushi. Rough-talking miner. Wears a dress shirt, leaves the top button(?) undone. Tromps around a big weird cave with no shoes or socks on. Wears bows and bangles basically everywhere but in her messy, tangled hair. Also, maybe I'm stereotyping here, but I just can't picture a centipede as being femme.

REASONABLE

Wriggle Nightbug. The dress shirt, cape, and puffy shorts all paint a vivid picture, but I just feel like I don't have a strong enough opinion on Wriggle as a character to put her in the top tier. In other words, she's got plenty of points for Fashion and quite a few for Hairstyle, but I just don't think the 'Tude is sufficient for me.

Reisen Udongein Inaba. The skirts are a strike against her, but her whole "dress shirt + necktie + sometimes suit jacket" thing makes a big difference, especially given that we're grading on a curve. Her rumpled ears and (particularly in Inaba of the Moon, Inaba of the Earth) pathetic demeanor go a long way towards giving her a vibe somewhere between "overworked salaryman" and "Detective Columbo."

Aya Shameimaru. All you need to know about Aya is that her "human reporter" disguise looks like This:

Mononobe no Futo. Butch, but in a really weird, circuitous way, imo. Like. She's sort of wearing a dress, but it's sort of a robe - the contrast of the hemline with her big flowy sleeves makes it hard to pin down - and her outfit quite notably has tassels rather than any kind of frills. I don't know what the hell is up with her hat but it's definitely not femme by any stretch of the imagination. Then thou hast the wayes in which she speaketh all "faux-olde-timey," even though nobody else in the setting does that... she transferred her soul into a plate, but she also throws plates around as weapons... It's like she's constantly putting on a performance that only she truly understands. It's like she reverse-engineered "masculine womanhood" by hanging out with a bunch of queens and doing kind of the same thing but kind of the inverse. The more I think about Futo the more I think she's entirely on her own wavelength, but I think "Reasonable" tier is a... uh, reasonable... approximation for the sake of this post.

Sagume Kishin. She dresses like if Bill Nye were a woman, and I think that cuts to the heart of it - she reminds me of a professor who you're not ever sure is gay, but you kind of pick up on a vibe, and near the end of the semester she offhandedly refers to "her partner" and you're like HOLY SHIT I KNEW IT. I went back and forth between putting her in "Reasonable" and "Kind of a Stretch"; ultimately, the Comedy Factor decided it because I couldn't stop thinking about a scenario where she says she's a woman, accidentally upends her whole understanding of gender in the process, and ends up taking testosterone while still ID'ing as a lesbian. I don't actually know if her powers would work that way and I don't care.

KIND OF A STRETCH

Eiki Shiki. I don't have a lot to go on, here, because she hasn't had many official appearances and seems to spend most of her time lecturing people or tormenting sinners. Her uniform(?)/apothecary outfit(??) is pretty snazzy; combined with the hat, it gives her a vaguely "military officer" look to me. We'll call her "butch pending further investigation," which I think she would agree is the correct course of action.

Sekibanki. She's here partially because of the cape, and partially because being sandwiched between Wakasagihime and Kagerou makes her look way more masc by contrast. I know what I said.

Ringo. It's pretty much just the hat and the pants, though - as a butch woman who Loves Eating - I am also inclined to project my own experiences onto her.

Aunn Komano. She reads as more "tomboyish" than outright "butch" to me, what with her whole puppy-dog vibe, but at the same time... she's very much wearing shorts and the kind of goofy-looking button-up shirt that is central to my own wardrobe and the wardrobe of other butches in my life. I'm willing to count her.

Takane Yamashiro. A living testament to the power of small character design choices. I would never in a million years call Nitori butch, even with her gay little hat and all the pouches on her outfit - she just looks like a girl scout. Takane, though? Takane, with her little hair swoopy, and the fucking suitcase slung over her back, and her camo-print dress? I mean - ultimately it is still a dress, which is why I can't justify scoring her higher, but she's definitely chewing tobacco and riding around on an ATV on weekends.

Chiyari Tenkaijin. If she's butch, it's not really because she's trying to be butch, it's just because being femme seems too expensive and time-consuming. She's got better things to do (drink blood all day). Still, I think an argument could be made.

DEFINITELY A STRETCH, BUT I RESPECT IT

Renko Usami. ZUN is kind of inconsistent with how he draws her hat - sometimes it's more of a porkpie/fedora type thing, other times it's round-topped and looks a bit like Koishi's hat. To me, this is a crucial distinction. In a more general sense, I feel like Renko's outfit gets a little less plausibly-masc with each passing album, which says a lot about our society. Or her society, anyway, since she lives in the future. Still, the capelets and bowties...

Rinnosuke Morichika. I think it would be really funny if the only significant male character in Touhou wasn't actually even a dude. I'm not aware of any real textual support for this interpretation, though.

Shou Toramaru. Pretty much only on here because of the hair and because I think there's a certain je ne sais quoi to her whole deal of "she's not a real tiger, she's the idea of a tiger that pre-Meiji Japanese people came up with from secondhand accounts."

Seija Kijin. Not even remotely butch by any stretch of the imagination... But if she did consider herself butch, isn't that exactly what she'd want you to think?

POTENTIALLY NOTEWORTHY EXCLUSIONS

Cirno. "Tomboyish" is not the same thing as "butch," to me, especially if you exclusively wear dresses. Also, I'm not sure Cirno even knows what a lesbian is.

Saki Kurokoma. Not actually butch, just a horse girl. (And a horsegirl.)

Mike Goutokuji. Can't tell if she's wearing a skirt or shorts. She's got short hair, sure, but the whole "matching bell collar and wristbands that also have bells attached" thing makes her look more like a Very Online Trans Woman who just figured herself out and hasn't started hormones or bought any new clothes yet.

#touhou #touhou project #crossposted from cohost after i spent like an hour on it.

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murdrdocs · 1 year

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could i request a ethan landry x mentally tired reader? it could be no ghostface au or ghostface, but if it is could there be a scene where mindy is accusing everyone and she gets to the reader And the reader says something along the lines of “ i haven’t slept in days “ my english isn’t very good so sorry!

ur english is perf(ect) bae don't worry !! also i rlly dont remember this scene that well so ... GN!reader

Mindy stood before you, truly in her element as she explained the 'rules' to going through something like this. You could tell that the information she was spewing was essential to your survival, but you couldn't focus. You were going in and out, your head bobbing each time you fell asleep, the involuntary movement instantly awakening you from a slumber that could barely even be labeled a cat nap.

"Here," Ethan whispered to you, his hand snaking around your waist and nudging you closer to him. "Lay on me." You barely even had time to verbally accept or reject his invitation, nor did you have time to thank him. Your head was finding his shoulder like a magnet and solace came upon your being as you were finally in a position comfortable enough to at least get a few minutes of consecutive sleep.

Until Mindy turned to you, her voice traveling alerting you of her change in direction. "And here we have the newcomer, love interest to another new comer," you opened your eyes to see Mindy gesturing between you and Ethan. His grip on your waist tightened just a bit.

"So what, they're a suspect because they're new and we're dating?" You'd been dating Ethan for a short while now, but hearing him refer to your relationship in its official capacity always made you feel all giddy inside.

"Exactly." Mindy smiled, seemingly thankful that Ethan was catching on fairly fast. "Maybe you two are working together. Ghostface is usually a pair anyway," Mindy gasped, her eyes lighting up and an idea fostering in her mind. "Maybe ..." she appraoched you both until she was standing over you. "Ethan here does all the killing and slicing and dicing. The gory stuff. While," she pointed to you, saying your name as she leaned down just a bit to meet your eye level, "makes the phone calls. You seem clever enough to manage that."

You stared in Mindy's dark eyes, barely even a hint of malice in your gaze as she stared back. You knew she didn't mean any actual harm, she was just trying to prevent a recap of last year, trying to protect her friends. And you want the same.

You go to defend yourself, but Ethan does it first.

"Okay, they would never do that. Right?" He's peering down at you, eyebrows raised for confirmation. His gaze isn't accusatory at all, unlike the others behind him.

"Right," you confirm. "I can barely even keep my eyes open right now, Mindy. I haven't slept in days. I can tell you that I'm not the killer, but you probably won't believe me until the end. So just know that there is a slim to none chance that I could mastermind a murdering spree right now."

Mindy seems to believe you enough to turn away and continue her rant. Your eyes close once more, satisfied to be in your current physical position, and you doze off, oblivious to the way Ethan's eyes shift to Quinn, the way they share a mutual look, and the way they both turn to face Mindy with a harder look in their eyes.

#ethan landry x reader #ethan landry x you #ethan landry #ethansworld!#celeste writes scream #ethan landry fluff

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meimi-haneoka · 2 months

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Clear Card Trivia 4 ~ The most ancient Magicians of Europe, the Magic Association and their role in Clear Card

Welcome back to my corner focused on eviscerating all the thematics, hidden messages, trivia, aspects of Cardcaptor Sakura Clear Card!!

We're at the 4th "episode" of this series (you can find the previous ones under the #clear card trivia hashtag) and this time around the tone of the thematic will change a little bit. We get into a darker corner. Yes, because when it was time to decide for the next thematic I would delve into, I felt it was finally time to address everything concerning The Magic Association and Akiho's clan, the so-called Most Ancient Magicians of Europe.

I've been feeling the need to delve into these two "entities" appearing in Clear Card for long time and for several reasons. One of those is that there are still so many people out there who tend to conflate the two and confuse "who did what". It's time we dot the i's and cross the t's on who's who. And rest assured I made sure to mention every single thing we know (and don't know) about them. For this reason, the post is a bit long, but I wanted to make it as comprehensive as possible.

Moreover, these two groups of people hide a very deep and important role inside Clear Card's story. Despite representing the darkest, most horrible part of this arc (I'd daresay if we have to find a villain in CCS at all costs, we have quite found them), I can see and appreciate a lot the social commentary CLAMP made through them.

If you're curious to know what this social commentary is and read in one place everything we know about these magicians, just follow me under the cut!

The Magic Association of England

Let's start with them. The first mention we have of the "Magic Association of England" (in Japanese イギリスの魔法協会 or they've been called 魔術師協会 - Magicians association - too ) is in volume 4, chapter 15, when Eriol over the phone reveals their existence to Syaoran, and even correctly speculates that Yuna D. Kaito might be one of their members.

Basically, the Magic Association of England is a congregation of powerful magicians (not necessarily related by blood) who associate together for their mutual personal benefit. Their headquarters are, of course, in England.

They are recognizable in the story by their long black robe with purple lining and a headpiece that covers their heads and faces entirely, shaped vaguely like the head of a dragon.

It seems like they are organized according to a hierarchy, for two reasons: some of them wear an additional layer of clothing on their shoulders, as a way to indicate a "higher rank" of magicians (they're probably the oldest ones, or the ones who run the entire thing), but they also assign "titles" to their magicians basing on their level of magic - Kaito is basically the strongest (while not being part of the higher hierarchy, because he doesn't wear the additional piece of clothing) and he's been assigned the title of "D". That's what the "D" in his (fake) name means, nothing else. We can assume there are magicians of rank C, B and A too, in this Association. They even seem to have a collective magic circle, as we can see in more than one scene, but more clearly in chapter 79:

As Eriol implies very early in chapter 15 (and as we will have plenty of opportunities to see with our own eyes), their activities are shady at best and criminal at worst (that's why Eriol replies to an unaware Syaoran "Your clan probably hasn't mentioned them to you yet, because of the plenty bad rumors about them").

It also seems like they constantly try to recruit new members and actively look for powerful magicians to add to their ranks. Like they did with little Kaito, reaching him at the unknown location he was living in (beware, this is often a point of confusion but the men with the caucasian-like headpieces we see in the flashback are not part of the Magic Association. It is just a "circle of people" where little Kaito lived for a period after being separated by his parents.)

Not only that, but in order to achieve their main goal, they also seem to form "alliances" with other influential parties. This is apparently done for the common goal of broadening the Association, their authority and influence in the magic world, as stated by little Kaito himself in volume 13, chapter 60. Although, little Kaito also says that they won't think twice in betraying those alliances when they see fit, and it seems to be customary because the boy says that it's certain to happen.

And "alliance" is the type of relationship that connects them to the next subjects of this post.

The Most Ancient Magicians of Europe

The "Most Ancient Magicians of Europe" (in Japanese 欧州最古の魔術師達) get introduced for the first time in volume 6, chapter 25. Yet, the very first mention of a "clan" Akiho belonged to appears as early as volume 5, chapter 21, when Akiho explains to Kaito she recognized the robe passed down in her clan in the vision she had unwittingly shared with Sakura.

Their ceremonial outfit is composed by a white robe with a light blue cloak hemmed in yellow, just like the removable headpiece covering entirely one's face when pulled up. They also have a collective magic circle identifying the magicians part of the Clan:

As opposed to the Magic Association, this clan is a big family of magicians, all related by blood. They do not seem to have a common last name they go by, like the Li Clan does for example. This gives an inkling about their very broad reach. Although the ones closest to Akiho seem to have their headquarters in England just like the Association, the name suggests that their scope and/or presence might be spanning all over Europe. The family is so big that Lilie basically married one of her distant relatives, part of the same clan.

In this regard, I have to make a very important clarification about a translation mistake in the ENG localization that affects concretely the plot. This mistake made it to the printed volumes.

As you can see here, the ENG translation basically makes a Clan member state that they have the same blood as Clow Reed. We all know that Clow Reed was born from an English father and a Chinese mother and since in this scene the Clan is talking about their rivalry with the Li clan, it is almost automatic to assume that they are the Reed Family.

This is a very egregious translation mistake, as the correct translation is the version that the scanlation group RhapsodyInBlue uploaded back in the day:

A "They are of Clow Reed lineage" (as the Li's indeed are) turned into "For the blood of Clow Reed", giving birth to quite a big misunderstanding.

This clan has never been officially confirmed to have any blood ties with Clow Reed.

Any indication in that sense is pure speculation and fan theories. I know "it's the official English translation that says so!" but unfortunately this is not the first and definitely not even the last translation mistake that affects severely the understanding of the plot.

The only thing we know for certain about the Most Ancient Magicians in Europe (I'll call them "Squid Clan" going forward, cause this is a common nickname I've been using forever in fandom) is that they hold a grudge against Clow for unknown reasons (they wouldn't be the first ones) and consequently they are constantly competing with the Li Clan (blood relatives of Clow) for who is more powerful and influential between their Clans. Although we don't know if it's mutual, this rivalry is nothing recent, as it was already there when Akiho and Syaoran were born, and it's certainly part of the cause that pushed the Squid Clan to turn Akiho into an artifact (to compete with Syaoran of the Li Clan). Syaoran is very well aware of who they are, as he's the one recognizing the robe in Sakura's dream in volume 10, chapter 46.

Another thing that I wish to point out is that, although fandom spaces sometimes call this Clan as "Shinomoto Clan" or even arbitrarily call Lilie as "Lilie Shinomoto", none of this has been hinted at or even confirmed in canon. In fact, the sticker with a phrase from Lilie that is being given out at the CLAMP Exhibition held in this period in Tokyo, indicates her name as just "Lilie", not "Lilie Shinomoto", while all the other characters are fully featured with their first and last name. As it's been revealed in chapter 80, Akiho uses an alias in everyday's life, following a common practice in magic clans. So it's very likely that the entire name "Akiho Shinomoto" is an alias and "Shinomoto" got nothing to do with the Clan Akiho was born in at all.

When they were still alive, Akiho's mother and father were the most powerful magicians in that Clan, with dreamseer Lilie being the top magician. And as we can hear from her own words, the Squid Clan's collective goal is to put their hands on the magic of the entire world and on any means to operate it. That is particularly evident in the purpose for which they have turned Akiho into an artifact. It is also what seemingly steers their interest when it comes to marrying off their members: feelings and happiness of the parties concerned are of no importance, all that matters is how profitable that union will be for the Clan in terms of power. That's why they were thrilled to know Lilie and her husband decided to marry, but then considered it a failure and said they should've never let them meet when they lost their life in an accident and all they left to the Clan was a magicless little Akiho.

Kaito and the Magic Association

Next, let's review how both of these groups affected the other characters.

The Magic Association approached little Kaito in the community he was living in (unknown location) when he was very little, asking him "to help them out". They had certainly sensed his astounding powers for someone so young and saw an opportunity to make their Association grow. Little Kaito didn't particularly want to help them out (or do something for someone else, for that matter), but due to his already problematic growth process and emerging child depression (from what we can see in the flashback, he was seemingly feared and kept at arm's length by the people of that community, so he was already growing up in solitude - I wouldn't exclude they were the ones calling the Association to have him taken away), he didn't even feel strongly against the idea, so he just decided to accept.

What followed were years where Kaito kept growing up in solitude despite being surrounded by so many adults, fending for himself, feeding on anything that was edible enough (Lilie will find him eating a Calorie Mate for lunch), without a shred of love, care or emotional education, simply used as a tool and exploited for his strong magic powers. The boy had the opportunity to train and develop his powers even further, quickly becoming unrivalled in magic battles.

Along the story, Eriol (in a short chapter) came into possession of secret documents about Kaito's life in the Association (the sheets bring the Association mark) and he said that they included his "spectacular war records". What exactly he meant with that term isn't clear, but it's legit to assume that the Association might had young Kaito fight against other magicians (we don't know the extent of the violence of those fights).

Kaito's impressive performances in magic earned him the title of "D" in the Magic Association, the highest title that can be bestowed on a magician in their environment, and he was allowed to attend the Association's meetings with the higher members of the council. During a "character exposition" moment, Eriol reveals that the request that the Association made to Kaito the most was to use time magic for their benefit. This, well knowing the effects that time magic has on the caster. They had a young boy performing that dangerous magic, shaving off his own life span, while they continued undisturbed and unaffected.

Note that in all the flashbacks we saw of Kaito in the Association, we never saw him taking initiatives in their activities, but just merely following passively the orders he received. From his bored behavior we can see in volume 7 chapter 31, he wasn't particularly keen in attending their meetings either. Even the abomination the Association did on Akiho, he never took any part in it, he was merely informed at "fait accompli" (this might be harder to get for how they translated this in the ENG version, but in the flashback in Japanese the Association talks in past tense, as something that had already happened).

From all the hints and scenes we can see of young Kaito in the Association, up to the conversation he had with Lilie and the multiple warnings he gave her about their intentions, my idea is that Kaito wasn't aligning with their wicked morals and felt uncomfortable among them, that's why he strived to be kept alone as much as possible, but being the only adults he could cling to, and with an already crippled self-esteem, he didn't even have enough will to leave that place forever.

Until Akiho came into the picture, that is.

When both Kaito and Akiho were two little children, the Squid Clan requested to the Association to have their most powerful magician to "check up" little Akiho at a distance for any trace of magic power in her body.

This is the incident that basically started everything: Kaito said with honesty that the girl had no powers, "just like a blank book", with the hope that her Clan would expel her and let her live a normal life. Sadly, some years later, that same comment had been taken literally by Akiho's blood relatives and gave birth to a very sick plan for Akiho's purpose in the Clan.

Despite seeking his assistance due to his massive magic powers, the Association was at the same time very wary of Kaito. His unbothered and disinterested behavior might also be the reason why the Association and the Squid Clan didn't trust him and decided to engrave the "Seal of D" on him when he offered himself to escort Akiho in her travels around the world, unknowingly seeking for magic to write on her body (I'll talk about this whole matter in the next paragraph).

The "Seal of D" is a magic of "confinement" that works only on magicians with a title of "D". It's easy to imagine why this thing exists in the first place: magicians with such enormous magic powers are convenient but also pose a threat to the authority of the Association, especially considering how there's no sense of comradery and loyalty in this group of people, and they're ready to betray anyone at any moment. The "Seal of D" works as some kind of "trap" that is triggered by the undesired behavior of the magician (in this case, they had programmed it as "should the magician tamper with the magic artifact in any way, activate the Seal of D on him"). Young Kaito had no qualms in accepting to let them engrave it on himself, because at that time he already had a rampant self-loathing and probably the guilt of what he realized he had caused was already wrecking his mental state. They even had the nerve to ask him "Do you understand what it entails?", as if shaking the responsibility off themselves. Of course he didn't know. He didn't have a complete idea of what he would have to sacrifice, at that time.

Following Kaito's refusal to return Akiho to their abusers (roughly around 1 year prior the events of Clear Card), they excommunicated him officially from the Magic Association and started persecuting both of them. In volume 7, chapter 33, we saw one of those attempts at attacking them to take Akiho back, promptly repelled by Kaito in secret to not let Akiho notice anything. It is easy to guess there had been other attempts in the past. This is also very likely the reason why for Kaito it was absolutely vital to live in Eriol's ex-mansion once they arrived in Japan, as the house was naturally a perfect place to store and protect magic artifacts.

When Kaito exchanged the artifact implanted in Akiho's body with his own pocket watch, the Seal of D and everything that happened afterwards was triggered automatically, sealing Kaito away in a hidden dimension where time was destroyed, stripping him of his humanity and caging him in the form of a dragon, unable to talk, to move or use his magic. Any attempt to free him would trigger an endless stream of magic attacks, like Sakura and Syaoran had the displeasure to realize later.

One peculiar thing that I'd like to remark and that contributes to emphasize even more how despicable those magicians were, is that when Eriol started investigating to understand who Yuna D. Kaito was, with the help of the Li Clan he found out that the "official version" of why Kaito was excommunicated from the Association was that he had "lost" an important taboo artifact that shouldn't have been removed from its premises for no reason. Furthermore, rumors over rumors said he didn't "lose it", he actually ran away with it. All of this is of course a lie spread to make Kaito look like a delinquent who stole the magic artifact (Akiho), when in fact they were the ones willingly sending Akiho away. It is very likely they were the ones spreading this misinformation to both make Kaito look like a criminal but also to not lose face in front of the magic world.

Kaito's permanence in the Magic Association worsened exponentially an already precarious situation with his upbringing, exacerbating his low self-esteem, denying him a childhood where he could know the warmth and comfort of love, exploiting his magic powers at his own expense, while not meeting any resistance from him, reacting to this abuse with a concerning "apathy" as self-defense, for something he could not comprehend entirely yet, and so he could not effectively consent to it. It is a kind of "silent abuse", where they didn't use violence on him (at least not for what it was shown and not till he was still living with them), but still wrecked him on the inside in ways that are not visible to the eye, and it will probably take years and years to heal. Akiho alludes to those scars in volume 6, chapter 29, when she confides to Sakura her fear that Kaito might be suffering in silence from scars "invisible to the eye".

Because of this, his relationship with other people and the way he goes about things might appear particularly troublesome and hard to understand. He definitely doesn't react to things as someone with a healthy upbringing. His abuse and exploitation has been explicitly mentioned by Mokona sensei in a Twitter Space, so even if it's pretty evident once you carefully read the chapters of his backstory, it's confirmed even on the author side.

Akiho and the Most Ancient Magicians of Europe

Cosmos, whom we've known as "Akiho Shinomoto" in the story, was born into the clan of the Most Ancient Magicians of Europe as a result of the love and union between Lilie and her husband, both part of the same clan and respectively first and second strongest magicians in that family. It is immediately horrifying the realization, along the story, that Akiho's abusers are people of her own family, tied to her by blood.

But let's proceed in order.

As soon as the accident that killed Lilie and her husband happened, the Clan took care of their only surviving daughter.

Ever since the first panels of Akiho's backstory, the Clan members are shown having great expectations about what kind of magic she would develop, as everyone else in that family had done till that moment. When they heard about Lilie and her beloved's engagement, they were already fantasizing about what incredible powers their offspring would have. That's all they ever cared about. At the "ripe old age" of about 1-2 years, the baby girl was expected to show some signs of magic as soon as she started walking, but she had none. It is roughly in this period that they had Yuna D. Kaito, from the Magic Association, evaluate her at a distance. Even though the boy declared she had no trace of powers, they seemingly decided to wait and see.

But by the time the girl turned 6/7, when she was old enough to read books, still no fragment of magic appeared in her. That was, for the clan, something unacceptable. And the beginning of Akiho's tribulations.

It was in this moment that they started to compare her to Syaoran, of the Li Clan in Hong Kong, and the concern with her non-existent powers began to look more and more like an obsession. They actually started seeing her as a stain on their Clan's pride. Suddenly, the focus was all on how they could surpass the other rival Clan, and Akiho was isolated, left in the grip of loneliness. A magicless member of the family was a member who didn't even deserve being talked to. An interrogatory, at most. They didn't really care if the little girl wanted to socialize, if she wanted to play, if she was the only young person in that Clan, missing her parents who died so early on. All the questions Akiho stubbornly made them about her parents were sistematically ignored, save for one little detail that she was able to snatch from them, probably out of exhaustion: that both her parents loved mint chocolate. It was an apparently insignificant detail, which for Akiho became everything she knew about her parents, and the only "proof" she had of her connection to them. She was also denied any picture of mom and dad, probably deeming her unworthy of them.

In the short story n. 2, Akiho tells Kaito that her Clan denied her even plushies. Even if she asked for some, they would tell her "if you've got time to play, then you've got time to read". In this sense, it is a miracle that Momo managed to stay, via the guise of a plushie, by Akiho's side throughout her childhood.

The girl grew up, and the situation stayed the same, or rather, it worsened. The members of the Clan became more and more cruel, calling her “worthless”, “useless” in her face, in one scene they even doubted she could really be the daughter of her powerful parents. They kept making all kinds of attempts and experiments to see if she would develop any powers. As Akiho herself told Kaito in volume 13, chapter 60, she remembered how they'd repeat countless times how unfortunate it was that Lilie, a dreamseer, wasn't able to foresee her own demise, and that if all they would leave behind was such a worthless, magicless child, then they should've never let the magician and her husband meet. Basically, declaring in front of Akiho that it would have been better if she had never been born at all.

This was the moment where they completely went out of their mind and remembered Kaito's comment on her: if she was "like a blank book", they would make sure to turn her into one.

With the collaboration of the Magic Association, they executed a magic ritual to turn a human being into a magic artifact, engraving a magic tool inside Akiho's body (the infamous book that we will see in its entirety in volume 16, chapter 79. Note, this is DIFFERENT from the white Book of Time guarded by Momo that Akiho carries with her everywhere). We never saw entirely the scene of the crime, but the few flashbacks CLAMP depicted are horrifying enough: Akiho floated over an altar, seemingly tied to it by a chain made of pearls around her ankle. She was completely surrounded by members of the Clan and the Association, and we could even spot both the Clan's and Association's magic circles hovering over and under her. In a particular scene, we saw Sakura in Akiho's place, and she seemed to be suffering. Probably what Akiho herself went through during the real thing. After the successful completion of the procedure, it seems the magicians burned the book they took this taboo ritual from, as a way to have the exclusitivity of the artifact for themselves.

The ritual didn't come without a price though, even for those who executed it. The magicians discussed the toll that such a taboo ritual would take on them, but since their greed was stronger than anything else, they still considered it worth the loss. When the Association's higher members informed Kaito of the successful experiment (and bragged about how magnificent it was), they also mentioned the price they had to pay: several members of both the Clan and the Association lost some magic spells and rituals forever.

It is to be noted that Akiho doesn't seem to have any recollection of this ritual and what happened during it, nor she's ever aware that she carries a magic artifact in herself, so it's pretty much legit to assume they've put her to sleep throughout it. Or....the trauma caused her some memory loss.

Either way, from that moment onwards, Akiho was just considered "an artifact" created and owned by both the Clan and the Magic Association, for their own consumption. The plan was to make little Akiho travel the world to hoard all the magic she could absorb from several grimoires, as that was less risky (in their sick mind) than bringing all the grimoires to her. And in chapter 80, we saw the amount of grimoires that Akiho had unwittingly engraved on herself along the years.

As if this wasn’t horrifying enough, the spell hoarding all the grimoires progressively tried to crush her soul and conscience, until it would get destroyed completely. So when the artifact reached its limit, it would've been the death of Akiho as a human being. Only a shell of her would remain. And judging by what was said by Kaito in volume 8, chapter 35, they actually hoped for her to lose her consciousness completely, so they could make use of her more easily.

As we all know, that's when Kaito decided to step up and change the course of his and Akiho's lives forever, offering himself to accompany her in the travel they planned for her.

Just like in Kaito's case, rehashing Akiho’s past in the Clan is important to understand her personality and behavior fully. CLAMP, in the Clear Card manga, have portrayed the story of her past in a very peculiar way: it starts as any other fairytale, with light tones and cute designs. But as the story progresses, and the horror ensues, the tone of the tale changes, and so the drawing style too. It becomes serious, darker and “realistic” (as opposed to the initial cutesy style). What started as a possible generic fairytale, turned into a real nightmare.

Mokona sensei described Akiho as having "nerves of steel" in a Clamp Space, and that certainly helped the girl surviving her childhood in her Clan. Yet, certain things will simply wreck you up inside, willing or not. And in the flashback of volume 6, chapter 25, we could see Akiho struggling to comfort herself with the fantasy stories she would read to keep herself company. Despite wanting to enjoy them and smile, tears of loneliness still cut through her eyes. The mental abuse the Clan inflicted on Akiho showed its effects throughout the manga, with various moments where the girl's optimistic and cheerful nature would crack at the memory of what she had to endure while she lived with her relatives. Her apologetic behavior, constantly seeking for validation, is another symptom of that trauma. All of this, ignoring that her abuse didn't stop at mere verbal one. Because what they engraved into her with that ritual crosses any boundary and trespasses into physical abuse too. This is truly the most horrific part of Clear Card and it's no surprise that's been received by the fandom with criticism and concern while the serialization was going on.

Yet, I think the fact CLAMP wanted to introduce and depict the abuse these two magic groups perpetrated *in Cardcaptor Sakura*, of all stories, totally makes sense and in the next paragraph I will hopefully explain why.

How Sakura Was Affected By Them

Now that we have eviscerated both the Magic Association and the Squids Clan in every possible aspect, it's time to look at what CLAMP tried to depict through their presence in the story and what kind of role they have in the journey of self-understanding and growth for the main character Sakura Kinomoto. None of this is possible without taking in consideration all that I've explained above. ☝️

Truthfully, the Association + the Clan touched and affected (or we should say wrecked) Kaito and Akiho the most, directing their dangerous attentions towards Sakura only a couple of times. But they were very important for her growth too, since they represented the first "taste" of what awaits her as one of the most powerful magicians out there, and they led her to make the most important decision she's ever made till that moment.

After all, Eriol said it loud and clear. Powerful magicians are naturally drawn to Sakura, since she is a powerful magician herself. And Sakura was meant to meet all the magicians she encountered throughout her story.

The first point of "contact" with these two groups of criminals happened in volume 6, chapter 27, in the infamous scene of Fujitaka's library. The strong energy present in that place (capable to protect Clow Reed's book and the guardians) triggered the artifact inside Akiho, opening it (almost) completely. It was heartbreaking to watch Akiho push Sakura away with the last crumble of consciousness left in her, seemingly to protect her, before the Clan and the Association took control of her body through the artifact and started commenting on Sakura's powers. Several members of the two groups, both male and female voices, took turns in talking through Akiho, almost as if they possessed her. A scene that, if they'll decide to keep it in the anime adaptation, will be creepy at horror movie levels. Of course this is another one of those details that was completely lost in the English translation, as they didn't keep the difference in fonts that you can see in the Japanese one, hence you don't understand that it's not Akiho speaking, but most importantly there are several people speaking through her. I think what's most disturbing of this depiction is how it conveys perfectly how much they consider Akiho a property. A property they can exploit and literally manipulate and make use of as they please.

As soon as the Clan and the Association realized who Sakura was (till that moment she was very likely shielded by that protective spell that Eriol and Kaho applied on the girl, the same that Momo and Kaito had to see through to find her), they immediately tried to absorb her power into Akiho. That, as I've pointed out earlier on, would've instantly meant the death of Akiho's soul, as her "capacity" was almost full by the time she reached Tomoeda. This attempt will be foiled by Kaito through time rewind at his own expense, but the criminals will try again in volume 7, chapter 34, when Sakura used her magic in stopped time. This triggered Akiho's artifact again, and this time they successfully managed to trap Sakura into the big book that emerged beneath Akiho's feet (the same scene we saw afterwards in chapter 70, once the artifact passed to Kaito). Once she was inside the book implanted in Akiho, thanks to her intuitive powers Sakura was able to see a flashback of the moment when Akiho was turned into a magic artifact, living it (and suffering it) from Akiho's point of view. Even this attempt to absorb Sakura's power was foiled by Kaito once again, with a time rewind.

In chapter 46 Syaoran mentioned the existence of the Clan to Sakura after seeing their robe in her dream. Other than that, Sakura won't come in direct contact with them again till the end of the story (the attacks at the fake moon were triggered automatically and they didn't have a direct intervention from the Squids/Association), but I'm pretty sure that once she regained all the memories of the un-rewritten world (including the memories erased by the time-rewinds, as we can see in some scenes featured in the "film strips"), she had already pretty much connected all the dots, hence why she proposed to Kaito and Akiho to erase their existence from the memories "of those people".

At the moment of the climax in chapter 78/79, Sakura finds herself in a situation where she starts to grasp that behind Akiho, the real Akiho, and this guy she doesn't remember but who's Akiho's most important person, there are people who want to hurt them. She doesn't know much, just what Akiho told her in bits and pieces throughout the story, but that's already enough for her to come to a very important conclusion (and decision).

The conclusion that in front of straight-up cruelty, she can't compromise, she can't keep being the good little girl who tries to be everybody's friend. Cruelty is inexcusable in Sakura's eyes, as it should be. All the more if the ones being hurt are people who are important to her.

Sakura finally learns with her very own eyes that in this world there isn't only the love, protection and comfort she grew up in, but there's wickedness and evil too. That such cruelty isn't a "far away thing" but it can actually hurt people very, very close to her. Of course, CLAMP calibrated on the target audience the depictions of such cruelty and Sakura's involvement with it, never crossing certain lines. The culmination of this realization is Sakura's decision to erase the existence of her friends from their abusers' memories, saying "What I'm about to do is probably not right, but I can't be on everyone's side". I thought that was one of the most powerful, most empowering messages that CLAMP hammered in our brains with Clear Card's finale. Our Sakura isn't a perfect, spotless angel. Within reason, she will stain her moral record a little bit, if it's necessary to protect the people important to her.

And here it's the right moment to introduce the symbology of the Magic Association and the Clan in this story. This is strictly connected to why Sakura made that decision, and why CLAMP decided to not have Sakura confronting the magicians directly.

A Message of Hope Through Social Commentary

Long time ago I had a very interesting discussion with a Japanese CCS fan on Twitter. This fan was wondering why the two groups seemed so important, like the source of all the problems behind this arc, yet they kept being depicted with their cloaks and headpieces pulled up, effectively hiding their identities from the readers' eyes. And the fan had found a very valid reason for it.

One of Ohkawa's private Twitter Spaces pretty much confirmed it for me, later on. Back then the topic was "prejudice" and chatting away, she ended up discussing a bit about CCS and particularly about Kaito's behavior in the chapters that were being serialized at the time. Her message between the lines was clearly "I know you think of him in a certain way right now, but don't let your better judgement be consumed by prejudice. When this story will be over, try to reconsider his behavior". The whole Space was centered on her effort in everyday's life to not let prejudice rule her decisions and assessment of situations.

With Clear Card's story over, I can finally attest that it truly was a story where CLAMP constantly tested our prejudices, time and time again. Not only with Kaito, but with Syaoran and other characters too. And the Japanese fan I was mentioning above explained that in their idea, the reason why CLAMP kept the Squids and Association's faces hidden the whole time was to prevent us from applying a prejudice over them too.

Their appearances don't matter. They can become distracting. This story isn't about them. It doesn't matter what skin color they have, if they're tall or short, if their hair is blonde or dark. We barely know they are located in England, we don't even have a name to call them with. Inside this story, all we need to know about them and focus on are their intentions and actions. Their actions are what define them and what we should be judging them for.

And that's when I realized the "no faces" approach also allowed for CLAMP to turn these two groups of people into a symbolic representation of abusive systems. Thanks to the fact that they're faceless, the readers can literally see in them whatever they can relate to basing on their own experiences: abusive families, exploitative working environments, but also modern society on a larger scale. Never doubt for one moment that CLAMP aren't still doing social commentary in their latest works, even after all these years.

Particularly, in this story Akiho's family is "just" a magic clan, but on a metaphorical level they are the representation of abusive families that burden children with expectations that destroy them psychologically. Think about how strong this metaphor is: "the spell that's been activated on Akiho by her clan will suffocate her soul until it gets destroyed completely, making her easier to manipulate" which is like saying "the family loads the children with lots of expectations, so much that they end up losing their identity, becoming 'puppets' of their family members". Some time ago I've read of a disabled Japanese fan who saw themselves in Akiho's character. Her lack of powers and the way she was treated by her family reminded the fan of their own disability, and what they had to endure everyday due to society's expectations and ableism. They were grateful to CLAMP for introducing a character like Akiho, with a story like hers, and that Sakura and all the Tomoeda kids accepted her and loved her for who she was.

In this way, it becomes clear that the Squids and the Association are representative of systems and concepts that are just too big for a little child to fight against on their own. And that's indeed what happened in this story to Sakura (and Akiho) too. Those magicians are ruthless, organized in big groups and magically very strong. There's no way an eventual fight would've been on equal footing for her, no matter how strong she is. She's just a 13 years old girl, she shouldn't be taking on herself the burden to go against such an overwhelming danger.

Just like in real life, darkness will always accompany light and evil will always exist alongside good. It's unrealistic and unfair to expect that a child could be facing evil all on their own. Even if they are supported by other dear people, it's just impossible and utopian to hope to eliminate evil from existence like Sakura would've eliminated the Squids and the Association in an eventual magic fight. Sakura is the heroine of the story, yes, but she isn't magically nor mentally equipped for such a thing. CLAMP didn't want to lie to us and to their youngest readers. Some battles might be just too overwhelming to fight, and if there's ONE thing they hammered like crazy in this arc is that, no matter what you do, even if you're protecting someone you love, you always have to remember to keep yourself safe at the same time. Reckless heroism doesn't really benefit anyone. That was valid for Syaoran, for Kaito and for Sakura too, in the end.

That's why CLAMP, through Sakura's choice, decided to not let her have a direct confrontation with those two groups of criminals. Besides, let's be honest. There's no way she could've made them convincingly "change their mind" and pressured them to turn suddenly into good people with just a couple of idealistic phrases. It would've honestly looked like a joke and an insult to all the readers who had to endure abuses in their own lives. Oh, how nice, Sakura turned the Big Bad Evils into good people! ...Sure, but what about the pain, neglect and suffering that were inflicted on those who were just little children? Erased by wiping those people's slates clean?

Honestly, the only viable way that wouldn't have insulted the reader's intelligence would've been a straight-up violent fight, and that would've been not only jarring to see in CCS, where violence is certainly not how you solve problems, but also probably resulted in Sakura's death. Which of course, no one wanted to see.

So what do we do when we find ourselves in front of an evil too big to confront, too big to fight on our own? We just give up? We just succumb?

Nope. That's indeed why CLAMP have Sakura deciding to erase the memories as an ultimate, well calculated attempt to free Akiho and Kaito from the grasp of their abusers and at the same time stop the attacks that were threatening to kill all of them. Instead of focusing the resolution of the problem on the abusers, engaging in a fight with them that would've probably worsened the situation, she decided to prioritize the people she loves and ensure their safety first and foremost. I believe CLAMP never wanted to make it all about Sakura vs. Evil Magicians in the finale. That's not the kind of story they wanted to tell. I believe their constant focus and concern in the finale was the marginalized, abused party and how Sakura could help them out from her "privileged" position of a girl blessed with love and protection from all sides. How she could make use of her gifts (both her magic power but also her safety network of people she loves and who love her in return) to do good. Real, effective good.

So, summarizing all the above: by not showing any of the Squids/Association's faces or names, CLAMP successfully conveyed the idea that in the climax Sakura didn't judge and repelled individuals, but rather, the systems they were representing. Sakura didn't oppose "Mark, blue eyes and dark hair" "Elizabeth, green eyes and blonde hair" but actually their systems AND their actions, the atrocities they committed. And what I appreciated is that she didn't need for Akiho to tell her every single thing about her past in order to make her decision, because that's something for Akiho to disclose IF and WHEN she'll feel ready to. She just needed to hear and concretely see that her friends were being literally hunted, and let herself be guided by her affection for Akiho. Sakura did all of this prioritizing her abused friends, the oppressed minority (here it comes out again the topic of minorities so dear and precious to the CCS franchise) while ALSO protecting herself, by not engaging in any dangerous fight with those horrible people.

CLAMP's message for all those children (and even adults) who are suffering for situations that are just too big to defeat on their own, is to first and foremost figure out how to break away from the abusive environment. Run away (like Kaito did), cut ties (like Sakura helped to do), find help so that the poison can't reach you and bring you down again. You have to look for help first and foremost, but also find in yourself the will to be helped.

Akiho and Kaito received help from Sakura, but they also wanted to be helped by her (that's the part where Sakura asked them for their consent on the memory-erasing spell not one, but THREE times). And that's pivotal. The two things are interconnected and salvation isn't possible if you don't genuinely find in yourself the will to be saved.

Once you can break away from the source of abuse, you can start again. You can take control of your life once again, lick your wounds, heal, move on and find happiness again. That's the concept of "we won't go back, we'll go on" that echoed loud and clear in Sakura's words during the finale.

I think the wish that inspired CLAMP while they were writing Clear Card's story is that any of their readers who are stuck in suffering can hopefully find their own support system.

Though the "Clans" or "Magic Associations" will keep existing out there, we don't have to face them alone. Our loved ones can help us getting out of that toxic environment and never look back.

#card captor sakura #cardcaptor sakura #clear card arc #clear card trivia #clamp #ccsakura #sakura card captor #magic association #squid clan #sakura kinomoto #akiho shinomoto #yuna d. kaito

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incomingalbatross · 1 month

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I think the most interesting thing about Saiki K. in terms of storytelling is that every word we get from Saiki is in narration format.

he's the narrator, so he provides the manga narration boxes/anime voice-over (usually; there is occasionally an omniscient narrator voice in differently-bordered narration boxes/a different voice).

he's a self-aware narrator, so his narration is in the present tense and identical with his current thoughts in the story; whether he's providing context for the readers or having real-time reactions to story events, it's all the same format. No thought bubbles for Saiki. (Unless he's projecting thoughts in such a way that they're disguised as the target's own thoughts, which he does occasionally as a kind of subliminal messaging).

he doesn't speak out loud. ever. so any verbal communication he does is telepathically projected thought, and is formatted identically to his ongoing internal monologue.

you can basically guess if he's being "heard" or not by whether characters react to his thoughts and by whether he's miming his point at the same time.

as the story goes on, it becomes easier to pick up patterns; he seems to stick to silence whenever possible around people who don't know about his powers, and "speaks" more freely around, for instance, his parents (although we still get "internal" and "voiced" thoughts mixed together in scenes with them).

what makes it harder, though, is that even though the context clues suggest he's non-verbal around his classmates 95% of the time, if they're talking, he is constantly responding to them in his head.

he addresses the people around him in second person over half the time, I'd say, even when he very clearly isn't actually making himself heard by them. and that's even when they aren't talking to him, just existing around him.

Anyway THIS is why I'm calling him a lurker; he is very very engaged with things going on around him, and mentally responds in a way that "participates" in actions and conversations, but at the same time he's only outwardly engaged to the bare minimum. He wants to engage, but he doesn't want to be perceived.

(There is a question of how much of this is choice; the fact that he mainly "talks" to people who know his powers may mean it's hard for him to disguise his thoughts as actual speech, and since he learned to project thoughts before physically speaking, he may not be comfortable with using his actual voice! But issues with his powers and issues with being perceived generally tie into each other, so I'd say they're not mutually exclusive here.)

Saiki's very big on his "loner" self-image. He's very quiet and disengaged out loud... but he's very talkative in his head, toward the same people. He doesn't just think ABOUT them, he imagines RESPONSES to them - and since we're along for the ride, we get to see where his attention goes.

And (even if much of what he says in his head is snarky) I feel like that level of "participation" ends up a little bit telling on himself and his actual levels of anti-socialness.

#it's my new psychic child's birthday today so that's a good excuse for more meta #(also was i more caught by his narration style because of Rebekah's analyses of comic-book teenagers' narrations? probably)#i think it's very interesting #maybe i'll actually find examples of his narration later

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alexbkrieger13 · 9 months

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I haven't read it yet so maybe it's just a summary from another interview or something, but I just saw this (it's in German)

https://twitter.com/queer_de/status/1739592775115366576

looks like a new interview!!!

Lesbian professional couple: "Women's football has always been a safe space"

Pernille Harder and Magdalena Eriksson from FC Bayern are not only top footballers. For the gay couple, their commitment to the LGBTI community is also important. An interview about kissing and fighting.

By Martin Moravec, dpa Today, 11:22 a.m. 9 Min.

The world-class footballers Pernille Harder (31) and Magdalena Eriksson (30) have been playing for FC Bayern Munich since this summer. Together. This was also very important for the Danish-Swedish couple in their private lives (queer.de reported). In an interview with the German Press Agency, Harder, a striker who has just recovered, and Eriksson, a defender who is currently injured, talk about communication in a long-distance relationship, Tetris while disposing of waste and two kisses that made history.

Ms. Eriksson, Ms. Harder, you met ten years ago at Linköpings FC in Sweden. What was your first impression of each other? Eriksson: I thought Pernille was great as a football player. She really impressed me, she was next level for me. I had never played with a player as good as her before. I was also surprised at how modest she was, even though she had so much talent. And she's a nice person too (laughs). We became good friends and then had a mutual group of friends who did a lot together. Harder: We are both very interested in mathematics and then we took a math course together. We got to know each other even better. After a few months we became a couple.

You were in a long-distance relationship for several years. How difficult was that for you as a couple?

Harder: It was difficult. You really have to work hard to make it work. But the time we were apart was also good for our relationship. Luckily, we developed in the same direction. The fact that we lived apart for three and a half years and are still together shows that our relationship is really deep and resilient. We both felt that this relationship was worth fighting for, even if we often only saw each other once a month. Magda often flew from London to Wolfsburg for a day and a half. Eriksson: You learn a lot about communication when you have a long-distance relationship, because that's the key. If you don't communicate, you actually have nothing because you don't see each other, you're not physically close. We've learned over the years that we had to get better at talking to each other and expressing our feelings with words. That helped us grow into our relationship. We communicate much better now than before our long-distance relationship. We have also become much stronger in this respect. The distance has disappeared at Chelsea FC, where they played together from 2020 to 2023, and now also at FC Bayern Munich. Did you have to get used to being so close to each other again? Eriksson: It really went from zero to 100 (laughs). Harder: The fact that we lived together for two years before I went to Wolfsburg in 2017 meant that we knew what our routines were. Eriksson: We had to sort out more practical things: who does the dishes, who does the laundry? Harder: And who takes out the garbage... (laughs) Eriksson: In a relationship, one partner always thinks that they have more to do with the housework than the other. How do you divide it up? Eriksson: In England I did the dishes and Pernille took out the garbage. Now it's more balanced. But there was a point where I thought she was playing Tetris with the garbage, she was trying so hard to balance garbage in the garbage can just so she didn't have to take it out straight away (laughs). Harder: It's funny how people can have different opinions about washing up, whether something is already clean or still not (laughs). But we're of the same opinion now. Apart from that, it was completely natural to get back into a common rhythm. Can you imagine leaving your job again to change clubs? Harder: I really like it here. FC Bayern is a great club, Munich is a great city. I'm enjoying it, even though I've been injured for two months now. We have a contract for the next three years and I can imagine staying here longer. Eriksson: It's the first time we've moved to a new club together. It's really nice to have the security of having Pernille with me. Football can be quite lonely when you're away from your family and maybe your partner. Having started a new adventure here with her is inspiring and cool. Like Pernille, I couldn't wish for a better environment. In 2019 during the World Cup, you kissed in the stadium after Eriksson's Sweden team won against Canada. It was just a kiss, but the photo of this public kiss caused a stir around the world. Harder: I didn't realize at first that the photo had such a wow effect because I was simply at the World Cup to support Magda. It wasn't our first public kiss after a game either, we had kissed a few times before (laughs). The photo quickly attracted a lot of attention on social media, became popular and attracted a lot of positive comments. It was interesting for me to see how much society apparently needed this image. Eriksson: We were surprised at how necessary such a photo was for football. We had also lived in our own bubble before and had been open about our relationship for a long time. But after that special moment, we realized how important it is to be visible, to do things that come naturally to us and to be proud of it. I think the best way to be an example to others is to express yourself and be yourself. That's exactly what we did. I'm happy and proud that the photo of our kiss became such a big topic because it was obviously something that football really needed.

As a teenager, did you have role models that you could look up to, that made you feel like your sexuality was perfectly fine the way it is? Eriksson: My older sister Amanda has always been very important to me. She encouraged me to be comfortable with who I am and not to think about what others might think of me. Growing up, she was always this calming voice that said, 'You are good the way you are. Be yourself.' I came out when I was 16, my sister was very important to me in the early years so that I didn't feel like an outsider. Harder: My parents, Annie and Mogens, always let me know that it doesn't matter who I love or who I bring home. They are happy as long as I am happy. I don't know if they expected me to bring a girl home one day (laughs), but they always made me feel like I could be who I am. I was really lucky in that respect. How far do you think football has come in terms of diversity and inclusion for women and men today? Eriksson: Women's football has always been a safe space for me and a place where I can be myself. I never felt like I had to hide any part of my sexuality or myself. I have never been discriminated against by fans because of my sexuality either. Harder: That applies to me too. I never felt like I had to hide, I can always be myself in football. Eriksson: There are more and more players who use their platforms and speak out on social issues. But we still have a lot of work ahead of us. We have to continue to create this safe space so that men's football becomes even more diverse, including in terms of sexual orientation. Harder: The next generation is growing up in an environment of increasing acceptance, which makes them more open. I therefore hope that men's football can continue to develop as a traditional sport. Unfortunately, there will probably still be people in the next ten or 20 years who are not happy about a gay man playing football. Is it easier to discuss such topics with younger people? Harder: I think that when you are younger, your own values are not yet completely set, so you have the opportunity to provide input on what can and cannot be valuable for an open society. Older generations, on the other hand, often have their values and opinions on certain things already set. Then it is more difficult to change your attitude. Do you find it strange that sexual openness is normal in women's football, but not in men's football? Eriksson: Women's football is a much younger sport. A lot has become entrenched in traditional men's football over the course of more than 100 years. Women's football is therefore more influenced by modern views. I hope that the more women's football grows, the more men's football can learn from it in certain aspects.

Your famous photo was taken at the 2019 World Cup. In 2023 at the World Cup there was a contrary photo when the now resigned Spanish association boss Luis Rubiales kissed national player Jennifer Hermoso on the mouth at the award ceremony. Hermoso saw the kiss as an act of violence, Rubiales, who also has to answer to the court, speaks of mutual consent. What do you think about that? Eriksson: They are the two ends of a spectrum. I always try to see things positively, even in a situation like this. Something has actually changed for the better for the Spanish national team since then. They started a fight against their association almost a year ago in which they wanted to bring about a change in the culture towards more safety and respect. They have now achieved that. I don't know if it would have been possible without this attack. Harder: The fact that the change has taken place shows how far we have come in society, how we are moving in the right direction. We do something when something unacceptable happens. The Spanish players fought for their cause, which was noticed worldwide, and brought about change. Eriksson: A kiss like the one at the World Cup this year might not have been a big deal ten years ago because times were different then and the team might not have felt they were in a position to openly address and criticize such a disgusting act. That kiss may have felt like a big step backwards for women's football at the time, but everything that has happened since then shows that we are becoming more and more confident and can really make our voices heard if we want to.

#wows we've been blessed this morning #magdalena eriksson #pernille harder #fc bayern frauen #fcb frauen #woso #swewnt #denwnt #swewnt article #hardersson

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aspd-culture · 3 months

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i convince people whoever disliked my (admittedly far from ideal) behavior is the problem and then i naturally am a lot more fun to be around once they are eliminated from my social circles. i think it is a bad habit but it keeps me sane. is there another way this can be handled?

Yes, but I can't guarantee it will work for everyone. For me, what I do to avoid this is -

1. Prevention: Easier said than done, but trying to keep the behavior they react to as non-harmful as possible (we're not talking total control just harm reduction) so that the way they act probably *is* blown out of proportion and you're in the right

and/or 2. "Don't give them the satisfaction": I come clean on my behavior and show just how lovely I am by acknowledging it and asking the people I know they're going to run to before they have a chance. I talk to those people about how *terrible* I feel and how much I want to make it better "but I don't want to make them more uncomfortable by forcing myself on them". This puts them in a situation where anyone they run to counters with "oh, no I heard they feel so bad! They didn't want to make it worse but I really don't think they meant it; they're really beating themselves up about it" and they'd look like a jerk to keep it up. But this isn't a cover for me to keep up my sh*t or it wouldn't work. The way I keep this social manipulation as harm reduction vs being a terrible person is to use it to protect my social standing while I fix things on my terms. "Okay, so that behavior is too far. I won't do that again, but I won't do it by *my* choice. All of this was a lot of work and I deserve an Oscar at this point. I do not want to go through that masterful performance several times again to get to all of our mutual friends. That's a lot fo effort and I don't feel like it." That makes it so it's less work for me to change the behavior on my terms to help myself, which usually makes it very doable to get my brain to let me work on it without fighting me about how I'm "just letting them push me around" because the only one pushing me around is me.

Manipulation is a great skill to have, whatever anyone says. Manipulating your own brain is probably the highest level of this, because you're outsmarting your own subconscious. When it works, it's honestly quite the power trip because now you know you're not tricking someone incompetent and unsuspecting - you're directly going after your own brain and you're *winning*. Makes it a fun game with lots of dopamine to behave in healthier ways, and everyone wins.

I don't care what anyone else thinks. There's no "right thing for the wrong reason". Right thing=good, your motives don't matter as long as you don't start using the good thing to excuse or enable more harm later. So if it's a fun game for us to stretch our wings (/idiom) by manipulating our own brain and the byproduct of that is better, less harmful behavior? Awesome. Seriously and genuinely awesome. My opinion doesn't mean much and I don't want to tell you what to do, but I mean it when I say I really enjoy doing this and it's given me so much Pavlov'd incentive to be a "better person" because it is *fun*.

Now where are the prosocials ready to attack me for "even making healing abusive". I'm ready and waiting :)/hj

Plain text below the cut:

Yes, but I can't guarantee it will work for everyone. For me, what I do to avoid this is -

Now where are the prosocials ready to attack me for "even making healing abusive". I'm ready and waiting :) /hj

#a rare unmasked aspd culture #aspd-culture-is #aspd culture is #aspd culture #actually aspd #aspd #aspd awareness #actually antisocial #antisocial personality disorder #aspd traits #anons welcome

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shaunamilfman · 9 months

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do you think Jackieshauna was one sided or do you think they were mutually pining over each other in their own special ways?? sometimes I see people say it was strictly Jackie who loved Shauna or vice versa which I think is interesting how people see their dynamic w such stark differences in opinion if that makes sense

i think canon jackieshauna is so interesting because it's like requited unrequited in the sense that they're both in love with each other but doesn't think the other returns those feelings.

the car scene is so interesting to me because of the stark difference in the way Jackie is with her boyfriend vs the way she is with Shauna. she's so short with Jeff, so obviously upset with the way he's touching her. that scene where she stares blankly into the mirror afterwards is so heartbreaking. Jackie's aware that she has to fake every "orgasm" that Jeff gives her, aware that she doesn't like touching him, and aware that she doesn't really like being with him. then the second Jeff leaves and she gets to see shauna she's so upbeat and excited. Jackie's very flirty in this scene ("oh, were you listening to that? 😁🤭") unlike any scene she's pictured with Jeff. i definitely think Jackie is in love with Shauna subconsciously or otherwise.

i have just one question for you. what's gayer, being gay or whatever the fuck Jackie was doing in that car ride in the pilot?

it's "You're the best friend I've ever had, you know that right?" not just you're my best friend. best friends can change but they don't. they're more than that. their relationship is special, it's different from simply being best friends. we aren't simply Jackie and Shauna we're Jackie-and-Shauna. ("i don't know where you end and i begin")

i think Jackie does on some subconscious level knows that she's in love with Shauna. i think a big part of that is what contributes to Jackie not telling shauna she loves her back. Jackie feels too guilty to say it because she (in her mind) knows that she doesn't mean it the same way that Shauna does. then you have shauna who immediately afterwards is asking Jeff to tell her he loves her. she clearly doesn't care that it's him saying it ("don't worry, i won't hold you to it"), but she needs to hear it. Jackie won't tell her she loves her anymore and that makes her so fucking desperate to hear it. if shauna can't have Jackie, if jackie won't love her anymore, then she'll have to settle for the next best thing. someone that Jackie does love, because in her mind that's the closest she'll ever get to what she truly wants.

which brings us to the inevitable question. what's gayer, being gay or fucking your best friends boyfriend while thinking about her?

Jackie and Shauna are both shown being so incredibly jealous the second one of them talks to someone else. that is not platonic friend behavior. the way they look at each other just seems so telling that they both had feelings for each other imo. like jackie is literally going out of her way to make shauna jealous after shauna sided with Tai instead of her. they're both in love with each other your honor.

anyways long story short I do think it's mutual pining. i think canon shauna realizes she's attracted to girls long before she realizes she's in love with Jackie, while canon Jackie knows she's in love with Shauna long before she realizes that it means she's attracted to girls. i really do think they would have gotten together if only they had more time.

#damn that was long as hell. kinda off topic a bit but oh well #anon #jackieshauna thoughts 🩷💙

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pedrisbanana · 1 year

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Hey how's it going? I hope you are well, my request and where Pedri asks the reading to go to the match for El Clasico, where he will return after the injury, she said that if she has time she will go, since she does not have time due to the recording of a film in who acts. Obviously Pedri is upset, but he understands. In short, she manages to go to the game and he scores a goal for her, if you want you can use obscenity. Thank you even if you don't respond to my request

Scoring on and off the pitch...

Enjoy 🍌

El Clásico

„Do you really not have time ?" Pedri pouted, laying his fork on his empty table.

He invited you to his favourite resturant tonight. Pedri was really sweet, after having met during a adidas event, you and him got introduced. You liked him, maybe even a little more than just friends and by the signs he was sending, the feeling was mutual.

„I told you already, we're starting the rehearsals in that week. I can't just skip. This is a really big opportunity for me." You frowned.

You would love to watch Pedri play, but this movie could boost your career to the next level, making you an established actress and not just the telenovela star.

He reached to hold your hand on the table, playing with your fingers. „I know. I would've just loved to see you cheer me on. Celebrate with me. Especially after this big injury."

His touch was calming. Your heart fluttered.

„I will be right here-„ You pointed to his chest where his heart is. „-supporting you. You won't even notice I'm not there."

Pedri smiled. „I have something for you." He dropped your hand to reveal a wrapped gift. You took it from him and began to rip the wrapping open.

„You don't have to take it if you don't like it..." he seemed nervous.

It was a Barcelona home jersey. You unfolded it and held it up. His name and the number 8 sparkled in golden letters. Something dropped into your lap.

„Thank you, Pepi. I love it." A special feeling spread warmth in your chest. He really wanted you to wear his jersey.

You folded the jersey to see what had dropped into your lap. A small golden chain. A sparkling 8 charm was dangling from it.

„I really like you and I hope you feel the same way, so I wanted to ask you if you would be my girlfriend."

The blush that crept upon Pedri's cheeks made him look cute. Your heart hammered in your chest.

„Yes. Pedri I would love to be your girlfriend." You practically jumped out of your chair to hug him. His hands pressed you close. He felt warm.

You couldn't help but grin. He pulled you into a kiss. All the unresolved chemistry mixed into your lips moving against one another. Pedri made butterflies erupt in your stomach.

„Will you help me ?" you handed him the necklace and turned around so he could put it on you. The 8 charm fell right above your cleavage.

"It's beautiful, thank you."

His lips were plush and warm against yours. You could definitely get used to this.

That night you fell asleep in your boyfriends arms.

Smiling, you clipped your ticket pass back to the top of your skirt. You wanted to surprise Pedro with your visit.

The rehearsals were surprisingly delayed to next week. You were glad, so now you could be here and support Pedri for the El Clasico.

For the past ten minutes you had been trying to talk the security into letting you access the mixed zone and when he finally broke, you nearly did a little happy dance. Sadly it was only five minutes before kickoff so you needed to find your boyfriend as soon as possible.

The players were already lining up when you spotted him.

"Pedri !"

The midfielder turned around and flashed you a big smile.

"Mi amor. You've made it."

His hug spread warmth through your body, making the butterflies flutter. Your lips found his cheek after you told him the change in your schedule. Wishing him good luck you separated from him and he mixed back into the pool of players.

Finding your seat on one of the VIP balconies, you saw that Aurora, Gavi's sister sat next to you. You were glad to see a familiar face and smiled at her.

The match was as heated as expected. After the first half the score was 1-1. Lewandowski and Benzema scored.

The last three minutes went on and both teams tried to seal the deal by scoring a last minute goal. Gave passed to Pedri who stood next to the line of the penalty box. He nutmegged the defender and Balde took the ball inside. Passing back to Pedri, he shot the football into the top left corner of the net, making Courtois look like a fool.

Pedri ran towards the bleachers were you were seated and blew a kiss towards you. He dedicated the goal to you.

You cheered and Aurora hugged you.

After the match Pedri joined you in the VIP lounge. You both ordered dinner and chatted. This time you sat next to him.

You felt the need to be as close to him as possible, arms and legs touching, hands brushing, a kiss on the cheek, neck or lips once in a while.

It was addicting. He was addicting.

Walking to his car, he offered to take you home. A friend had dropped you off earlier so you accepted.

He put his hand on your thigh during the ride and you intertwined your fingers. You felt happier than ever.

"Pepi, that's your house, not mine." you said laughing.

He leaned over to give you a kiss. "I know, hermosa, but I want to keep you close. Stay with me tonight ?"

You giggled. "Of course I will."

He lead you into the apartment. You remembered the familiarity from your last visit.

"I'll give you my clothes to sleep in. You can change in the bathroom." he said and disappeared into the bedroom.

You put your handbag on the small table next to the front door and took your phone out.

"Here you go. Do you need anything else ?" he asked.

"No thank you, Pepi. I should be fine." you replied.

After changing you joined Pedri on his bed, cuddling into the duvet. He held you to his chest, legs entangling.

He leaned forward to kiss you. It was chaste at first, then his tongue asked for entrance, which you gladly granted. You fell back into the pillow, pulling Pedri half on top of you. His tongue explored your mouth and massaged yours.

You moaned as he pulled your hips closer, your core brushing his soft bulge in the process. Electricity shot through you and your hands slid up into his hair. He started to grind his hips against yours, seeking friction.

You broke the kiss to catch your breath. Pedri lit your whole body on fire.

He continued to kiss down your neck, finding your pulse point. You wanted to contemplation how far this would go, but Pedri easily took that decision from you.

The feeling of his lips on your throat fogged your mind. Usually you didn't move this fast in a relationship. With Pedri it was different. He made it easy for you to trust him. The connection was deeper from the beginning.

You knew Pedri wanted to be respectful, so you started to lead this further by moving your hands down and pull the hem of his sleep shirt up. He pulled away to look at you. His eyes were clouded with lust.

What a sight.

He removed the shirt and you scratched your nails against the defined muscles of his V line.

What a sight indeed.

He sucked in a breath at the feeling and took hold of your wrists. You looked at him with surprise. In this position he kneeled above your hips, trying not to crush you.

"If you want to tease, you have to go all the way, princesa." His voice had your panties dripping wet with anticipation. His bulge grew bigger.

He wanted this as much as you did.

"I always finish what I start." you said, making eye contact.

Having your consent, he started to move your hands down the trail of hair peeking into his briefs. Leading your hands past the waist pants, you held your breath.

His cock was big and warm and his balls were heavy. You wrapped your hand around it and started to pump a few times, making Pedri hiss and swear in spanish.

"I need you, amor." he moaned and thrusted into your hands. You bit your lip and removed your hands from his pulsing member.

"I need you more." you replied and pulled at the waistband of your panties. Pedri removed his briefs and kissed up your thighs. When he reached your core, he kissed you above the thin fabric and pulled it down with his teeth, which made you giggle.

Pedri continued his journey until he could remove his shirt off your body. Your lips found his again, connecting in a passionate battle for dominance.

His hands encircled your waist as he entered you. Your bodies found a synchronized rhythm, embracing each others lust. Being this close didn't feel like enough. You dug your nails into his bag pleading for more.

His thrusts sent you into oblivion. Pedri whispered sweet nothings into your skin, clarifying his own pleasure. The pleasure you gave him.

His fingers found your pulsing clit and your nipples rubbed against the hard pecs of his chest. You clenched around him, bringing him closer to his release.

He held you when your body rode out the orgasm he gave you. His hands caressed your arched back when he pumped his seed inside of you. Pedri stroked your hair when you fell limp against him, tired and exhausted from the impressions.

You felt cold when he stood up to clean you up. He urged you to go to the bathroom before falling asleep with him.

That's all you needed, falling asleep being surrounded by his body warmth.

He whispered you into sleep with declarations of love.

A/N: I'm doing very well thank you !

A more cute fic. I know I said smut at Camp Not, but I rewrote the smut part bc I didn't think a locker room smut fit into the vibe. Sorry.

I'm kind of disappointed with this after the last two fics. I also didn't have the motivation to proofread.

Let me know what you think !💕

#pedri gonzalez #pedri smut #pedri fanfic #pedri fluff #pedri one shot #pedro gonzález lópez

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dalesramblingsblog · 4 months

Text

In honour of an episode that seems consciously about the construction of narratives around fundamentally meaningless aspects of the universe, a Twitter conversation with one of my last remaining mutuals to survive the Muskening, lightly repurposed to serve as a singular, narrativised Tumblr post in a way it was never designed for.

Who says art is dead?

73 Yards was strange and haunting and not entirely comprehensible in a way that Doctor Who seldom manages.

I suspect it's one where personal tolerance for that sort of thing will make or break the episode, but I certainly think that, knowing this was Gibson's first filmed episode, she did a phenomenal job.

It was also, for me at least, a more generally successful invocation of the kind of eldritch horror implied by the Toymaker or the Maestro, largely by virtue of it giving itself room to be ambiguous.

I've seen the complaints about stuff like the PM being a blank slate, but I do rather feel like that might be the point. It's an episode all about perception and projection and narrativisation of a universe that can be cold and hostile and incomprehensible.

(And frankly, I'm starting to suspect that the whole of RTD2 might be about that on some level. "We see something incomprehensible and invent the rules to make it work" and all that. It's audacious and bold in a way that Doctor Who hasn't been in half a decade.)

And as someone for whom those themes really hit home a lot of the time, yeah, I loved it. I know I probably sound like a broken record but I am genuinely just having a blast with this latest series.

The worst thing Doctor Who can ever feel like for me is an obligation that I only keep up with out of a need to stay relatively current in writing about it, and that was what the Chibnall Era often boiled down to for me.

Part of the reason, in hindsight, I poured so much of myself into my book reviews was that the show itself was simply failing to excite me with the level of regularity necessary to keep me engaged.

Knowing that I can put on Doctor Who on a Saturday night and be reasonably well-entertained and intrigued is, frankly, enough for me, but I do think there are enough aspects of genuine quality that I'm not just blindly worshipping at the altar of a false idol or w/e.

I dunno, I think at the end of the day I'm just a big sucker for TV that makes sense to me on an emotional rather than logical level. It's why I'm a big fan of Twin Peaks, or the second season of Millennium, or hell even Masks over on TNG.

The episode had the general feel of one that will be quite important to the overall themes of the season, so I can't imagine it will linger in *complete* ambiguity forever (though honestly if it did I would kind of love that).

Like I wouldn't be surprised if we're building up to a similar time loop reveal wrt Ruby's general existence. The fact that we've now got at least three instances of her timeline being haunted by mysterious old women cannot possibly be coincidence.

(Well, it can be, but that way lies goblins, as we know.)

IDK, there's a strangeness to Davies' acknowledgments of mediality here that goes even beyond Moffat's usual tricks. Casting a recurring actress by the name of Susan Twist while conspicuously mentioning Susan for the first time in forever feels so on the nose that while I initially suspected we might be building to the return of Susan, I now feel like we're instead headed for something much weirder.

There is so much going on and so much to unpack and frankly I don't have any idea how it could possibly tie together but I'm fascinated.

And again, the fact that this episode was almost explicitly about the process of fans theorising as to what the hell is going on with the season makes me further suspect a rebuttal of theory-focused cult fandom is in the offing.

When I first watched Once, Upon Time in 2021, I commented that it felt like Chris Chibnall's attempt to do a big, bold, incomprehensible piece of television, something almost in the vein of Twin Peaks: The Return, Part 8 but for Doctor Who.

But it's revealing that the only thing he could really think to do was dump a bunch of Doctor Who lore and simply edit things out. He's a mystery writer in the most tediously literal sense of the phrase, creating gaps that feel like they were made with a hacksaw rather than feeling like any sort of deliberate lacuna.

And I'm sorry Chibnall fans, there are some Thirteen episodes that I do like, but when I look at an episode like 73 Yards... whatever its faults may be, and I'm pretty confident I don't actually believe it to be perfect, it is bolder and weirder than anything Chibnall ever wrote. This is the kind of television I want to watch, and I make no apologies for that.

It's a rare piece of Doctor Who which comes close to capturing that sheer, terrible splendour I felt watching a slow zoom into an atom bomb explosion while being serenaded by the Threnody for the Victims of Hiroshima. And sure, it's still very far out from being quite that strange, but it retains a curious power nevertheless.

What a show.

#doctor who #dale's ramblings #s40e4: 73 yards #ruby sunday #millie gibson

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musings-of-a-rose · 10 months

Text

Falling Slowly - Chapter 4

Pairing: Tommy Miller x f!reader

Word Count: 2700+

Rating: Mature - 18+ ONLY!

Warnings: Just like ao3, “creator chooses not to use warnings.” If you click Keep Reading, that means you agree that you’re the age to handle mature themes. Also by clicking Keep Reading, you understand warnings may not be complete in order to avoid spoilers for the story.

**If you want to be added to the taglist, join here or let me know!

❤If you enjoy the fic, please consider giving me a warm beverage! (It is not required in any way!)

**Divider made by @benkeibear

**Reader is not described

Main Masterlist

Falling Slowly Masterlist

Tommy Miller Masterlist

<<;Chapter 3<<

Tommy makes it to his truck, unlocking it and closing the door behind himself, turning the truck on and feeling the cold ac blast his face. This helps to calm him, taking away the initial panic feeling that he got when she told him she was pregnant.

Pregnant. She was pregnant.

If he’s honest with himself, deep down, both of them knew it was always a possibility. It always was with sex, no matter what birth control you use. Even his cousin Will was a product of failed birth control, his brother Benny a baby born from a vasectomy that was never checked. But he never thought it would happen to him. A dad? Him? Then again, Joel did it. And he was so young, just barely out of high school. And then his wife…well, he was left with Sarah and he did alright.

If he’s being truly honest, he doesn’t hate the idea of kids with her. With his Daisy.

But is she his? Does he even have a right to say that? They never really discussed their relationship outside of him burying himself inside of her or sliding his face between her legs, cracking jokes and hanging out inbetween. Tommy loved spending time with her and he thinks it’s mutual, as Daisy was always inviting him places or calling just to talk. I mean it makes sense that they would end up together. He just thought he’d have more time to ask her out. Take her on dates. Marry her. Then have kids.

But does she even want to? With him?

The more Tommy thinks about her and how she had been sitting on this for however long by herself, he realizes that it’s not just about him. He has the chance to walk away if he wanted, but she doesn’t have that. No matter what she chooses, her life has changed.

He takes a deep breath, blowing it out slowly to calm himself before opening his door, closing it behind him and walking back up to her house. He knocks a few times, softly rapping his knuckle against the wood, and it takes her a minute to answer. When she does, he can see the tears she was furiously trying to wipe away, her eyes red with crying, and he knows he never wants to put that look on her face ever again. And that he’d beat the shit out of anyone who did.

“Tommy?” I’m surprised he’s back, convinced he’d just kept on driving out of town.

“Hey, darlin’. I’m sorry for leavin’, I just…needed a minute.”

"It's o-ok." I'm still trying to wipe these tears from my face and level out my breathing.

"No, it isn't. I never wanted to make you cry and…" He gestures vaguely towards my face. "I'm sorry, Daisy."

I nod. "Did..did you want to come inside?"

"Y-yeah."

I gesture for him to come inside and close the door behind him, wiping my eyes on my sleeve once he passes me. He waits for me to sit on the couch before he does, shifting his body around nervously, unable to settle.

"So…we're uh, p-pregnant?"

I nod. "Well I mean, I am pregnant."

His eyes scan down my face. "Can I… I mean what… what are you…I uh…" Tommy is stammering but I think I know where he's going.

"Are you asking me if I'm keeping the baby?"

His eyes are wide with nerves and fear as he nods. "Y-yeah."

I swallow hard. "I…am."

His eyes get wider somehow and his breathing has shallowed and he's in real danger of passing out.

"You don't have to be…involved."

His eyes snap to mine, the first real time he's looked at me since I told him I was carrying his child.

"Don't have to be involved?"

I shake my head. "I'm not going to pressure you. I mean, we were…we are just f-friends. So I d-don't expect y-you t-to…to…" I can't hold back the tears, cursing the raging hormones that have started coursing though my body.

Tommy slides off the couch and kneels on the floor between my legs, taking my hands in his as he stares up at me, eyes wide and round.

"Darlin', you'll never be able to get rid of me."

"Wh-what?" I look at him, blurry through my tear stained vision, but I swear I see him smiling.

“I was yours since that night at the bar.” He puts his large, warm hands on my thighs and starts massaging them.

“Th-then wh-why haven’t y-you asked m-me out y-yet?”

He chuckles, but it sounds a little sad. “I was havin’ too much fun flirting with you.”

I let out a strong puff of air that I intended to be a laugh of some kind, because that was exactly true of me. I had every chance to ask him out and I never did, always having too much fun flirting with him. And then fucking him.

“I will always support you, Daisy. If you want to have this baby, then…we’re having a baby.”

“Yeah?”

“Abso-fuckin’-lutely.”

The next night, Tommy heads over to Joel’s house to tell him the good news before he heads over to spend time with Daisy. He doesn’t knock, but pulls right in the driveway and walks in, yelling for Joel when he enters.

“In here!” Joel yells from the living room.

Tommy walks in and nods hello to Joel, who nods back. “There’s beer in the fridge if you want one.”

Tommy considers this a moment. “Yeah. I think I do.”

He goes to the fridge and gets out a beer, popping it open before sitting next to his brother on the couch, leaving the middle cushion open between them. Joel has the game on and they sit and watch it in silence for a bit, only talking about the game. It reaches halftime and Joel stretches, turning down the commercials.

“Hey, Joel?”

“What?”

Suddenly, Tommy finds it hard to speak. “I…I uh…”

Joel looks at him, hearing the nerves in his voice. “Everything ok?”

“Oh, uh yeah. It’s just….Daisy is pregnant.”

Joel is silent, not moving, as if he was waiting for Tommy to say “Gotcha!” but it never comes.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Daisy is pregnant. And…we’re gonna raise it together.”

Joel is silent again, his eyes studying Tommy rapidly, as if he were looking for the punchline. “You’re a fuckin’ idiot, Tommy.”

“I ain’t arguing that point, but…to be honest, I’m….I’m scared to death. I never thought about it before. Being a dad? But, I don’t know. I think I could be a good dad.” Tommy looks at Joel for the first time, a smile playing across his lips as he confesses.

“I guess we’ll see.”

Tommy furrows his brow, looking at the pissed off look on Joel’s face.

“What the fuck does that mean?”

“It means,” Joel says, standing up. “That you’re treating the mom of your unborn baby like shit and the baby isn’t even here. How are you going to treat the baby?”

Tommy stands up, his body shaking with anger as he angrily points at his brother. “How am I treating her like shit?”

“Oh please. You’ve loved that woman since the moment you met her and you never made a move? You’re treating her like shit, Tommy. And you know it.”

Tommy is silent, his rage subsiding but he still feels guilty.

“Ask her out, man. Take that woman on a date already.”

A knock at my door tells me Tommy has arrived, fresh from his conversation with Joel. I wonder how that went. It’s not that I think Joel hates me, but I always feel some sort of…I don’t know. Like he doesn’t like me maybe? He's always giving Tommy looks when he thinks I can't see him.

I open the door for him and Tommy hits me with that gorgeous smile, but it’s not reaching his eyes.

"Hey, darlin'," he says, his hands hesitating when they reach for me.

"You don't have to be afraid to touch me, you know."

I gently take his hand, lacing my fingers with his as I pull him inside, closing the door behind him. He doesn't let go as we walk to my couch. He sits and pulls me down to him, wrapping his arms around me as I melt into him. A sigh escapes me and he pulls me in a little tighter.

"How'd it go?"

I feel his body tense up a bit and he says nothing.

"That bad?"

He clears his throat. "Well he called me a fuckin' idiot and doesn't think I'll be a good dad," He scoffs.

"Oh, Tommy. I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault. I had a feelin' he'd react this way."

I turn my head up to look at him, placing my hand on his broad chest.

"I think you're going to be a great dad, Tommy."

He looks down at me, that smile I love starting to creep across his face.

"Well that's all the approval I need."

He kisses the top of my head before resting his own on mine. We sit like that a while, just cuddling and enjoying being with each other. A couple. Are we a couple? Wait. A family? I don't even know.

"Hey, Daisy?"

"Yeah?"

"Would you have dinner with me?"

"Oh. I assumed you'd eaten with Joel. I should've asked! I can make you something-" I sit up but Tommy grabs my wrist.

"Not what I meant."

"Oh."

"I meant like a…a date."

My eyes scan his face for any hint of a joke or insincerity.

"You don't have to do that."

His eyebrows furrow together. "Do what?"

"Ask me out just because I'm carrying your child."

"No, that's not-"

I shake my head. "It’s ok, Tommy. Sometimes these things happen. But I don't expect anything from you. Romantically."

He looks sad. Why does he look sad? I just released him from his perceived sense of duty, no matter how much I wanted to scream "YES!" To his question.

"I didn't ask you out because you're pregnant. I should've gotten off my ass and asked you out a long while ago."

"Tommy, really. It's OK."

He sits up a little straighter. "No, it isn't. I'm asking you out because… because I want to date you. Be with you. I really like you, Daisy. Always have."

I stare at him for a few moments. Surely he's kidding? It hurts me that he would jerk me around like this and that hurt is amped up with my crazy hormones.

"Tommy, please don't fuck with me-"

"No. Wait…here." He pulls out his phone, flipping it open and pushing buttons to get to something on it. He hands it to me.

"Read. It's between Sarah and I. She's really the only reason I have this texting shit on my plan."

I look down at the screen, reading a conversation between him and his niece. It's about nothing specific, school stuff, quips about Joel. But then I see my name.

Sarah: can u chaperone my dance instead of dad?

Tommy: I'm not sure your dad would want that

Sarah: but u r so much cooler than him

Tommy: that's true

Sarah: so will u?

Tommy: I don't know…

Sarah: please Uncle Tommy? U can bring a date!

Tommy: I don't have a date, punk

Sarah: what about Daisy?

Tommy: She's just a friend

Sarah: but u r always 2gether and u always talk about her

Tommy: yeah because she's my friend

Sarah: it's different. U r different with her. Why aren't u boyfriend and girlfriend?

Tommy: because we're friends, Sarah

Sarah: U guys obviously like each other

Tommy: it's complicated

Sarah: I don't think it has 2 b. Ask her out. I know she likes you 2.

Tommy: and what do you know about that?

Sarah: because she looks at u like u look at her. Like u hung the stars in the sky

Tommy: you need to stop reading and getting so smart

I look back up at Tommy when I finish, tears in my eyes as I see the time stamp. It was only a month after we'd met. I set the phone on my coffee table and turn back to him, straddling his lap, taking his face in my hands as I feel his hands settle on my hips.

"This entire time?"

"I told you. Since the moment I saw you."

I bring my lips to his, kissing him hard as his hands slide up my back under my shirt, bringing me closer to him.

"Is that a yes?" He asks, a smile in his voice.

"Hell yes."

His face splits, a wide grin with those sparkling brown eyes staring up at me. God, he's beautiful. I lean forward and kiss him again, sliding my hands around behind his head to tug at the curls there, swallowing the moans he gives me. I sit up, pulling my shirt off and tossing it somewhere in the room, Tommy's warm hands sliding across my back and undoing my bra, throwing it across the room too. His eyes drift down to my boobs, gently taking one in his hand and lapping at the nipple.

"Stop."

He pulls back immediately, his eyes round with worry. "What is it? Did I hurt you?"

"No. Well yes but…" I feel like crying. These fucking hormones. "My nipples are just really sensitive right now."

"Oh. I didn't know. 'M sorry. We can stop-"

"Oh no. I definitely need you inside me."

"You're gonna kill me."

He pulls me in close and kisses me harder, his tongue sliding in and out of my mouth, his fingertips ghosting across my skin, goosebumps appearing behind his touch, sending heat straight between my legs.

I stop him and get off his lap, taking his hand and pulling him along to my room, both of us shedding our clothes before I lay on my back, Tommy crawling up my body but leaning on his side so he doesn't put any pressure on me. He grips my hip and kisses me, his hips pushing my legs further apart, his erection hard against my skin. Then he freezes, pulling back.

"Shit."

"What? What's wrong?" I ask, worried that he's somehow hurt.

"I don't have a condom."

I…did he forget?

"I don’t think that will be a problem."

He groans, his dick twitching against me at my words.

"I wanna feel you, fuck do I wanna feel you. But-"

"Tommy…are you worried about getting me pregnant?"

"Well I…oh my God I'm a dumbass."

He cuts off my laugh as he pushes into me, my mouth hanging open at the feel of him. Every ridge, the pull of his skin, the way he slides inside of me, all of him and I can't remember anything else ever feeling this way. Above me, Tommy is struggling, moans and grunts coming out of him, his own mouth hanging open.

"God, you feel so fuckin' amazing and I'm trying not to be a 2 pump chump right now."

"I don't care. Fuck me, Tommy. Fuck you feel so good."

He nods but stills his hips, pressing his fingers between my thighs, rubbing little circles into my clit. I'm so pent up, hormones racing through me, that after a few moments, I can feel my orgasm building, my breathing picking up. Tommy senses this and pushes himself into me, thrusting his hips to get himself deeper. He does this twice and somehow we both come at the same time, but the sounds he makes are like background noise to the orgasm that's ripping through me. I have never had this intense of one, every wave of pleasure increased tenfold as it continues washing over me, my fingers digging into his biceps as I cry his name over and over. Eventually, I come down, sweat sticking to me as my chest heaves. Tommy pulls out of me with a hiss, quickly cleaning us up before he slides into bed, pulling me to him.

"Feel good, darlin'?"

"It must be the pregnancy because I have never had that intense of an orgasm before. It felt like it went on forever."

"You did have an extra edge to your voice."

"But damn, Tommy. You felt fucking amazing. We are definitely doing that again."

"Does that mean you're putting out on our date?"

"You can count on it."

>>Chapter 5>>

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