#but I’ve been noticing that so much w myself and other black writers on here

[hamburgerhelpersotherhand]

Infatuation P9

Joe Goldberg x Reader x Love Quinn

Warnings: Kidnapping.

Notes: I’m currently rewatching Hannibal for the 10th time since it’s on Netflix now. Honestly there will never be a show that hits the same way 😔💝 I hope you like the POV whiplash in this.

My name is Y/N L/N.

I’m a freelance writer with no notable published works. Everything I’ve written has been private, but I dream of a day where I can share it.

My mother moved to L.A. so she could follow her dreams. I always supported her, but I left. It’s hard to stay for someone when you feel unsafe- and at the time, I felt unsafe.

I had some friends. One of them was named Love Quinn. She was very pretty, but didn’t have a filter growing up. At my age now, I’d consider her crazy for saying the things she did, but we were young and children tend to be kind of crazy.

Her brother, Forty, used to tag along with us. I didn’t really think much of him. He always trailed behind, weird, awkward. I can’t say I didn’t like him, because he asked me out and I said yes.

But as we got older, Love eventually opened up to me about a secret. I hated to hear it, I really did. It kept me up at night, and I felt my morals tear.

Forty killed someone.

At the time, I had gone on a date with him. I think he believed us to be official after that, but I heard Love loud and clear and couldn’t shake the feeling off. Every simple thing he did made me overthink. I felt like I would be next in line to get the cut.

Forty had blacked out when it happened, but that only worried me more. Would I be able to stop him? I don’t know, but I didn’t want to test the waters.

I had to leave.

~

I don’t think I meant to do that.

When I came back to my senses, you were unconscious and on the ground.

And— and I kind of just... stared. You’re on the sidewalk at my feet, laying on your side. I have no recollection of dropping you. How long have I just been standing here?

Whoever was in that car saw me— saw us. But it’s long gone and I can’t let you go now, too much is at risk. Oh god, Y/N... why’d it have to happen this way.

Wait. If I... if I take you with me. Home? No, no. Th-The storage locker. Yeah. I have something there that can... help. Wow, my heart is beating right out of my chest! The jumps are starting to hurt, but I can’t help it. I think I’m getting excited.

I reach down to pick you up and sling you over my shoulder. You’re heavier than I thought you’d be, but that’s probably because you’re completely limp.

I look both ways and cross the street to get to my car. It’s still late and the sky seems just as dark as it was when I got here.

When I open the trunk, I look you over... You’re not dead, I don’t know what I’m thinking. The trunk? Come on, Joe...

I let go of the luggage, open the back door and try to lay you down gently, but your head hits the seat with a smack. I momentarily cringe back, hoping you won’t feel it in the morning.

I try to maneuver you around into a seated position, you have to look natural. As I crawl over you to lift your upper body, you moan. My face heats up and I reluctantly back out of the backseat. I tell myself to just... drive slowly, you’ll be fine like this. If anyone stops us, you’re drunk, passed out, and I’m driving you back home.

Your luggage was thrown into the trunk, I didn’t give it much care when I tossed it in. My mind is elsewhere and I almost feel like this isn’t happening. Y/N. Shit. You didn’t have to do this, you didn’t have to force my hand like that.

I fix my rearview mirror and catch a glimpse of you. You... almost look dead, but I can see your chest raising and falling with your light breathing.

Bringing you inside of the storage locker was simple. You were still passed out, there was no fight when I dragged you along with me. Lucky me, am I right? Lucky me, I have to maneuver my life around another ridiculous obstacle. I’m finding myself in this position a lot but you’d think I’d be better about it by now. Well, I like to think I’ve become more adept in some aspects.

Once we are inside, I lay you on the cold floor and pull the storage door down.

You groan and my head snaps in your direction. Oh no.

I quickly make my way to your shifting form and bend down to run my hands over your sides, searching your pockets. Where’s your fucking phone? Shit, there’s no time to freak out over this. You’re waking up and I’m not about to knock you out again.

I grab you by the arms and drag you inside the glass cage. Do I really want to call it that? Not really. I’d prefer it be referred to as more of a... I don’t know. It’s a box made of glass. It was previously being used to store these old books, but they’re long gone. If I told you about what I used it for this past year, would you understand? Probably not. Your freak out earlier should be enough of a clear cut answer.

Before you start to tightly blink your eyes, adjusting them to the awful light, I’m already outside the enclosure and closing the door between us.

Your head looks heavy as you try to lift it. Your legs curl up into yourself as you begin to take notice of your surroundings. I can tell you don’t understand, you look so lost. I almost feel bad.

You sit up quickly and back yourself into a corner with your head spinning. Don’t make yourself sick, Y/N.

I’m watching you from the other side of the glass, finally letting out a breath I didn’t know I was holding in.

Watching you curl up in the corner of the cage hits me in such a familiar way.

“W-Will?” I hear you mumble meekly as you rub your eyes. I don’t respond. I can’t respond. I just want to watch.

“Will, where are we?” You ask, pressing your head into the glass behind you and looking toward me. Your face contorts as some form of reality begins to settle in.

“Please don’t...” Your voice falters and I notice your weak attempt to hold back tears. I feel guilty but I can’t imagine letting you go, especially now. We just... we just need to talk it out before I make any more decisions.

You’re sobbing now. It’s sad to listen to as you choke on your own breath.

“Y/N, calm down.” I say, pressing my hand to the glass. If you’re not careful, you’ll make yourself pass out. Besides, I’m exhausted. So exhausted. I don’t want to babysit you right now, I’d much rather be sleeping in Love’s bed.

“P-Please don’t kill m-mee!” You beg with a weak excuse for a voice. Watching, I can’t help but inhale sharply. God, I just want you to shut up.

“Listen to me-“ I try to speak, but you cut me off.

“LEAVE ME ALONE!” I flinch back.

There it is. The sudden need to leave.

Maybe if I leave, you’ll calm down. Maybe if I leave, you’ll figure things out on your own and realize that crying about it all is a waste of time. Should I deprive you of water too? Joe. Come on, Joe. Don’t act rash, you’re just angry.

Hopefully some rest will benefit the both of us.

I try to say my goodbyes, but you just cover your ears and cry out like a child.

When I finally make it apparent that I’m leaving, you begin to settle down.

But it’s too late, I’m securing my cap back onto my head and sliding the locker door up.

Once the door is down again, I lock it. I might’ve heard you say ‘wait’... I think. But what does it matter? You’re being a brat, despite my generosity. I could’ve done something much worse to you, you know?

Listen. Whatever you’ve heard— whatever you think you know about me- I think you’re getting it wrong. I’m not that bad, Y/N. I’m a good person, I care about you, I care about Love... and ultimately I care about us.

Don’t force me to do something so awful for something so minimal.

[partnersatfazbear]

Fazbear Frights: What We Found Analysis

Here’s my analysis for What We Found, the third story in Gumdrop Angel. I wrote this as I read so it may be a little different than my previous analysis where I read the story first and went back.

If you’re a Michael Afton fan I highly recommend this. Also, there’s possibly some insight into William Afton, Mrs. Afton, and Henry too, so it’s worth a skim.

Pg 144 '...a place thirty-some years forgotten' Just reconfirming FNAF 3 is 30 years past *one* of the FNAF closings, presumably FNAF 2 location.

Pg 145 "The whole building was giving him [Hudson] a headache." FIX THE VENTILATION BRUH

Pg 148 '...they were able to use salvaged derelict equiptment original to the old pizzerias.' Another confirmation of something we heard from Phone Guy.

Pg 147 "How old are you?" "Twenty-three, same as you." I think this gives us Michael's age during FNAF 3.

EDIT: This kept me awake last night. Obviously this is impossible because he has to be alive for at least 10 years before 1983, BUT maybe its just reconfirming FNAF 3′s year? 2023?

Pg 149 "Hudsan's dad died and his mom married Lewis, a ridiculous balding man who wore plaid vests and smoked a pipe" Did... Did this book just seriously imply Mrs. Afton left William for Henry? Really? (Yes, there's differences; the husband is dead and the man wears plaid 'vests' but it seems very odd to include that detail. This could just have been the writer's own imagination, though.) I have seen this as a fan theory and 100% explains the jealousy aspect of William, but I can't help but kinda hate it. I think this is very important, though, and probably Scott's intention. "This horrible little man [Lewis]... would make Hudson's next ten years a living Hell" This REALLY intrigues me given the context I just went over. The text implies Lewis was fairly neglectful to our main character / Michael stand-in Hudson. Maybe I'm wrong and for some reason Mrs. Emily left and went to William? XD Haha, I'm reading too much into this page. Maybe I'll come back to this later. I figure it's more of Scott possibly including double-details (contradicting stuff with the same character that really applies to two, which has been something I heavily pointed out in previous anaylsis on this blog) Having said that, I'm going w/the former because I can't imagine Henry being abusive (neglectful yes, abusive no) and he's never been portrayed that way in official works like William has in the novels.

Pg 150 "Hudson began to screw up in class...a product of spending the night in fear that his stepfather [Lewis]... [would] beat him just for the fun of it." Ooof. Big confirm on William actually being abusive. Unless we stick with the Henry theory for Lewis (combined with Midnight Motorist Henry theory / alcoholic). "...near-daily beatings..." "his mom started taking pills to get through the day..." So, whoever Mrs. Afton is, she was definetly not paying attention. But then, most people married to serial killers either don't notice because of denial (like this) or because the killer is so manipulative / careful they can't notice.

"Barry, who had red hair and freckles..." Yo?! Is that a description of Fritz?! These friends in the story could be the other kids Michael knew's stand-in's, aka the two gravestones with names he used (Fritz and Jeremy), as shown in the checks for the games and FNAF 6. I've long figured Michael was probably friends with the victims--it makes them easier, although riskier, targets [for William]. The two friends are male, too, like Fritz and Jeremy. If you're curious about Duane's description (our stand in for Jeremy), it's "tight black shirt... muscles... black hair long enough for a glossy ponytail..." I'm not sure if this matches anything found in the novels or contradicts them, though. (The novels = TSE trilogy)

"And so it went... until the night of the fire." For context, this is before FF burns down. We're learning of Hudson's life from his close friends in childhood, his father's death, his mother remarrying, to his abusive stepfather, to his grades slipping to this line. This would be a new fire not seen/mentioned in the games...

Pg 151 "...go to Charlie's for a sundae..." Really. Really Scott. Just gonna use this name again. OK. I'm not even gonna discuss this because it's probably irrelevant. *This is confirmed on pg 158 to be an ice cream shop. No lore relevance aside the annoying name coincidences Scott loves to troll with.

"This is not... an advance into enemy territory, a fight with demons, or a descent into Hell..." Uh, what? What is Hudson talking about? XD I'm only noting it because it seems so out of place. He's probably talking about video games or something.

Another note, although I don't have a specific reference since it is mentioned off-hand many times, is that Hudson keeps referring to his "history" which is implied to have kept him from getting a well-paying job and a girl he's crushing on doesn't know this "history" which is good for him. Seems good old "Michael Stand-In" has done some jail time or something. Edit: On pg 154/155 the girl asks Hudson, "Did you do it?" Seems he may have killed his stepfather or been involved with something else just as bad. Edit 2: No, I was thinking too deep into it. This probably refers to Evan's death at Fredbear's. DUH.

Pg 156 describes an actual "prize corner" in FF! What am I even reading? IIRC this is in FNAF 3, too. So they just hand out these scary gift boxes to people that complete the attraction? (Hudson says he *would* have fun handing out the scary toys to kids when this location opens--kind of a bully thing to do, eh?)

"[Hudson] avoid[ed] glancing in any of the mirrors..." I'm only pointing this out because it could be reference to one of two things. 1) We know because of one of UCN's music tracks, William has a fear of his reflection. Michael probably shares this trait, especially since 2) after Ennard and all... and later on pg 157 it also says, "he never wanted to face: himself" Sounds like guilt, my guy.

Pg 157 "blonde hair... blue eyes..." Hudson shares an eye color with Michael. It's possible Michael had blonde hair as a child and it changed to brown (it's common, something I personally went through being technically blonde/ blue eyed myself)

"He [Hudson] knew from personal experience that toys could turn from fun...to torture ina heart-beat" Fairly self explanatory. Either Hudson's worked at a creepy location before or he doesn't like remembering Fredbear's.

*checks how much is left.* There's still 35 pages (not counting back/front) left of this... This is gonna be a lot of notes.

Pg 158 Hudson doesn't have a car. Poor Mike, probably having to walk everywhere. Especially as a corpse.

Pg 160 This page describes many physical issues Hudson has that prevents him from entering the Navy, all from the abuse of Lewis. Obvious paralell to Michael becoming an undead [because his father sent him to CBPR indirectly causing his condition]

Pg 161 "How's your granny, Hud?... ...Is she still alive?" "I don't think she can die." Does anyone in the Afton family really 'die'? XD

Pg 162 These few pages discuss Hudson's grandmother. She's described as "a seer who claimed to know the future... ...wore big men's plaid flannel shirts with baggy jeans" Um, more plaid / flannel? AGH. STAHP. Lowkey, I would totally headcanon my Aunt Jen like this, though.

Pg 163 "Hudson's mom... the way she was before Hudson's dad had died... never... particularly warm and fuzzy... but... effiencient and responsible..." More about Mrs. Afton, so that's kinda neat.

"Hudson's dad was fun and attentive." There's a good Dad in this series?

"Unfortunetly, he also struggled with mental illness." "invisible low points" (Pg 164) Kinda reminds me of how Henry is described after Charlotte's death in the books.

Pg 164 "When Steven got himself into a bad deal that cost him his small business... he'd taken his life." Oh, it is Henry! SMH. Way to use confusing paralells. So, from our understanding thus far, Hudson's real father, Steven, is our Henry stand-in. His step-father despite being described similar to Henry, is actually our William stand-in. Fair game, Scott.

Pg 164 "...he [Hudson] was locked into a supply closet..." Oh shit, you guys. So, let me go on a tangent here, because this IS important! I just watched a retrospective on Sister Location and FNAF 6 earlier and one theory for Midnight Motorist was the person in the chair was the mother and the kid was Michael. I think this little line may confirm that. In fact, the story may be the key to figuring things out. Obviously, the line is a paralell to FNAF 4's scene in which Crying Child was locked in the supply closet of Fredbear's. I know some people, including Matpat, believe[d] CC was Michael, and in this book's context, it sort of works. This does contradict Step Closer and 1000 other things that make Michael the older brother, but maybe it's hinting at MM? Abusive stepdad (possibly Henry... maybe William is gone at this point), checked out Mom (hey, grey couch lady with Foxybro's font). IDK, but its definetly something to think about.

Pg 165 Lewis is mentioned as calling Hudson "nothing" and saying "you're nothing" on several occasions on this page. Just more abuse, for those accurate fanfic writers like me. Also I kinda wanna watch Morel Orel again. Yall know my fav character is Clay. Yall know.

"You're smoke." <-- Lewis / The text later reads, "...there was some irony, given what eventually happened." BRUH. Why did your stepdad die in a fire? :V TELL ME.

"When his family's house burned down at the end of his senior year..." Huh. Is there a fire we don't know about in the game-verse? Could this explain what happened to the FNAF 4 house before MM house?!

"...it purged Hudson of Lewis and his mother." MRS. AFTON BURNED ALIVE, TOO? Bruh. I can't with this story.

The text later describes the fire is concluded to be man-made and Hudson was blamed for it. Can't say if this ties to Michael, but it IS interesting... TBF, there is a small paralell to draw between Henry in FNAF 6 and his history of suicide in the books, too.

Pg 166 "...this place's [FF] busted thermostat.." I just find this line funny.

Pg 167 "...after three weeks of keeping an eye on the place" Some more timeline context for FNAF 3. We know that Michael worked there a little while before we start playing the game thanks to one of the phone calls, IIRC, so this makes sense. If Michael was accused of [something] and also wanting to hunt down his father, then it makes perfect sense why he's working a dead end job at Freddy's over and over and over. Fun fun fun.

Pg 169 "He hated to think about a functional character [Foxy]" This line is in regards to Hudson not liking the set up of Pirate's Cove and Foxy's hook to scare people. Sounds familiar, don't it? (For Michael anyway.)

Pg 173 "Some big find is arriving tomorrow." SPRINGY BOI! COME ON BOOK, get on with the show?

Pg 176 "Granny was wearing a red-and-green plaid shirt and her baggy jeans." Nothing special, but it was specifically brought up twice. I'm kind of racking my brain trying to understand what the point of this character is outside of "woooo everything is haunted don't you know that" kind of character.

Pg 180 "...dropped the crate on the linoleum with a resounding thud." HEY. Poor Springtrap, just gettin' tossed around like the trash he is.

Pg 186 "If you weren't so stupid, I'd tell you more about it." Springtrap bringing the burn. =:)

"A voice with a burr-like rasp...hint of a Southern accent" I'm going to assume this is because it's Lewis probably in the suit in this story and not our old British lad.

"It's was Mr. Atkin's voice." THE MATH TEACHER? *goes back to check* 'The algebra teacher'. Okay...

Pg 190 Okay, so Hudson hear's Lewis' voice this time. Okay, I get it now. Springtrap in this kind of imbodies all of Hudson's old bullies, including the teacher. He also has PTSD, just FYI. IDK if anyone finds that important, but it's fairly obvious by the line "He wasn't in his bedroom. Lewis didn't just slam his head into a desk; his head had been slammed into the [arcade] game."

"Why did he hallucinate a scene from his childhood?" Oh, it's not PTSD, then. It's just the VENTILATION ERROR. lol Okay.

Just a note, as I'm reading through the more action-based stuff, I kind of feel bad for Michael if he had flashbacks like this guy. They're intense.

So, Lewis' voice finally comes out of Springtrap on Pg 213. There's that.

Pg 220 "You can just stay there [in his room]" Kind of a paralell to Midnight Motorist. Lewis is saying it to Hudson. I really feel like the kid in the MM game is Michael because of this story...

Pg 223 "Heat purges. Fire heals." I'm sure that's Henry's life motto.

The ending was stupid, but most in these stories are. Hudson is hallucinating and is implied to have burned himself alive in FF's oven. Meh? The first half of this one is A TRIP and a little insight into what I 100% believe is Michael's childhood. I think the saddest part of it all is that we never got Springtrap speaking to Michael in FNAF 3--and if it's ever remade I hope we get more of them interacting.

[harry-hook-me]

I love your writing so much so could you do #18 “How long has it been since you’ve slept” from prompt list 2? harry hook x reader where harry is in auradon and is struggling with classes and is staying up late for studying cuz if he fails he'll have to go back to isle and he doesnt want to be separated from (y/n), the nothing like Audrey, daughter of sleeping beauty. and he's constantly drinking coffee and energy drinks and (y/n) notices, and he just blacks out in front of her from stress/tired?

The sleepless pirate

Writer - @harry-hook-me (myself)

Request – @descendantofthesparrow

Prompt - #18 “How long has it been since you’ve slept” List 2

Summary – Harry has been struggling with classes and has been losing on a lot of sleep to try and study, y/n, daughter of sleeping beauty, helps Harry with his studying and makes sure he gets some sleep.

Disclaimer - I do not own any of the Descendants characters or scenes from the movies, all credits goes to the creators and producers of Disneys descendants.

Warnings – Some swearing and sleep deprivation

AN- second post in a week, look at me go! I, going to try and write all requested I have at the moment during lock down. Requests will only open again once their all done so please don’t send in requests at the moment! – Lou xo

Word count – 1722

I'm y/n, the second daughter of Aurora, also known as sleeping beauty. Unlike my sister Audrey, I’m a lot less ‘princessey’. I don’t consider myself selfish, unlike her, I’d care more for others happiness and health than my own.

Harry has been in Auradon now for six month, since he’s been here, him and I have become extremely close. The son of the infamous Captain Hook came to Auradon with his two crew mates, Uma, daughter of Ursula the sea witch and Gil the son of Gaston. The first time I met the pirate, I was in my English literature class, he sat next to me and from that day we became a lot closer and very quickly after meeting became friends.

“So have you ever told him how you feel?” Jaydan asks, the son of princess Jasmin. “I’ve not, and I don’t plan on it” I reply standing up from my seat and rolling my eyes at my best friends question. “Why not! Y/n I’m sure he feels the same way, he act so different around you, he looks at you different to everyone else. I honestly thinks he like you y/n” Esmay adds, daughter of Esméralda. I chuckle and shake my head at her statement, “you my friend are obsessed with the idea of love” I reply to her. “What can I say, I’m a hopeless romantic” she says back, holing her hand out and leaning back I her seat. I sigh and place my hands onto my hips.

I stroll down the hallways of Auradon prep, cradling a stack of books in my arms and heading too my English Literature class. Upon my arrival into the classroom, I take my usual seat and get my books ready. Harry enters the room shortly after myself, he takes his seat next to me; he looks awful, dark circles around his eyes, messy hair, like he’d not slept for weeks. “Harry? Are you okay?” I asked concerned for the pirate. He looks up at me and smiles lightly, “mhum” he replies, looking half asleep. I place a hand on his forearm, “how long has it been since you’ve slept?” I asked, worry probably clear on my face. “Two days ago” harry replies with a yawn. I look at him wide eyed. Class began and I turned to face the front. What was happening with harry, I kept going over it in my head, not giving my full attention to what the teacher was talking about.

As the lessons ended, I gathered my books and tossed my bag over my shoulder and headed out the door. I jogged up to harry and grabbed his arm, “hey, why haven’t you been sleeping? Do you want to go for a chat?” I asked him, the dark haired boy nodded in response, I nodded back and began making my way outside to the courtyard.

I take a seat on a picnic bench near a tall willow tree in the courtyard, harry sits in front of me. “Right, why haven’t you been sleeping, is there something on you mind?” I ask him, looking deeply into his beautiful blue eyes, he’s so intriguing, and I feel like I just want to know everything about him. The pirate sighs deeply, shaking his head slightly and placing a ring covered hand on top of mine which is placed on the table. “I’m failing” he begins, “I’m failing every single fucking one of my classed” he adds clearly frustrated and exhausted. “Y/n, they’ve told me that if I don’t pick up my grades soon their going to send me back to the isle” he continues, his voice slightly braking as he reaches the end of the sentence. “That’s why I’m not sleeping, I’ve been studying nonstop, but I just don’t get it. I don’t understand any of it! And I’m fucking scared y/n” he looks up at me, his eyes glazing over, “I-I can’t go back there” he looks down into his lap again shaking his head. I’m shocked, I place my other hand on top of the hand he has placed on mine. “hey, hey, look at me” I start, he looks up, eyes red, sweet boy, he looks exhausted, drained, the usual cheekiness and life to him is nowhere to be seen. “I’m going to help you okay, I’m going to help you study, help you to understand. I won’t let you go back okay, I won’t let you.” I began feeling emotional myself. “I’m going to come over to your dorm tonight at six, I’ll bring all my books and notes and we can study, and I’m going to make sure you sleep. And I’m dam well going to make sure that your staying here.” He nods in return. “Thank you” he whispers, smiling at me.

I arrive at Harry’s dorm at bang on six, carrying a large stack of books in my arms and notes filled my backpack. I gently kicked the door rather than nocking as I had no hands free to do so. The door opens to reveal a still tired looking harry. “Hey” he said to me, “let me help you with these” he added taking the large stack of books off of be effortlessly. “Thank you” I replied and walked into the dorm as harry stepped out of the way of the door, closing it behind me. I look around the room, empty cans of energy drinks and empty coffee cups littered the place, I gasped lightly at the sight, my poor harry. “Gil’s staying with Carlos and Jay tonight so we’ve got the room to ourselves” he snapped me out of my thoughts, I nodded in return. “So where shall we start?” he asked, taking a seat by the window, “physics?” I suggested, harry responded with a nod, I pulled out all my physics notes and joined harry at his seat by the window.

I was awoken by the bright light of the sun shining through the window, but I wasn’t in my usual bed in my room, instead I was lay on the same seat me and harry had been studying last night. The pair of us must have fallen asleep together, the still peacefully sleeping pirate was underneath me, my head lay on his chest, one of his arms wrapped around my body, I hear is heart beat and his steady breathing. I smile, breathing in and taking in his scent. The boy stirs, one eye and then the other opens, squinting due to the light. Harry looks down at me and smiles, the boy chuckles slightly and I feel his chest move up and down, I smile in return. “Well, good morning” harry says. I sit up and giggle, “sorry, I-I didn’t mean to, stay over” I chuckle. Standing up and stretching. “It’s okay, to be honest, that was the best night sleep I’ve had in a long time.” Harry admits, blushing slightly. I smile and look to the ground. Harry stands and walks towards me “thank you” he adds.

I’d been helping harry with studying for two weeks now, and he’s been getting on very well. It’s the week of exams and Harry was starting to stress. “but-but, y/n, what if I get it all wrong, what of I go in there and my mind goes blank, w-what if…” harry panics as we stand outside of out English literature class before the test “hey, harry, it okay, it’s okay” I cut off harry and place my hands on his panicked cheeks. “You’ve worked so hard, we’ve gone over everything. You’ve been sleeping so much better. I promise you, you’re going to be absolutely fine” I look the pirate right in his ocean eyes and smile, trying to calm his nerves. He places and hand on one of my arms, closes his eyes and sighed, I stroked his cheek with my thumb and the pirate smiles the most precious smile. He pulls me into a warm, tight hug. “You’ll be okay” I whispered to him.

The day had come to find out what grades we’d got in our tests. I was sat on my bed reading when a loud and continues knock came from my door and pulled me from my concentration, I walked over to the door and opened it, a very smiley and very fidgety Harry Hook. “Hi!” I giggle with a smile. He waves an envelope around, and hops into my room. Harry hands me the white, half ripped open envelope and I take out letter inside, reading it. “You’ve passed every single class!” I cheer jumping in excitement and pride. I practically jump into Harrys arms and he picks me up and spins me “Harry! I’m proud of you, I knew you’d do it! I knew it!” I cheer. He puts me down and I smile brightly at him. “I couldn’t have done any of this without you, y/n” he returned the bright smile back to me, placing a soft hand gently on my cheek. “If I didn’t have you, I’d be back on the isle by now!” he adds, “thank you!”. I hold on to the arm connected to the hand he has places on my cheek. “You had it all in you harry, you don’t realise how smart you are! It was all you” I looked up at the handsome pirate, eyes locking in a deep gaze.

Harry slowly brings himself closer towards me, I feel his breath on my face, taking in all his facial features; his crystal blue eyes, chiselled cheek bones and jaw line, his lips. Before I knew it, harry pressed his lips against mine, I swiftly wrapped my arms around his neck as he wrapped his around my waist, slightly pulling me up to stand on my tip toes. His lips feel warm, comforting. He pulls away, resting his forehead on mine, looking deep into my eyes once again. “I-I like you, a lot, y/n” he stuttered. I smile “I like you too harry, a lot” I giggle in return. The widest smile appears on his face, two deep dimples emerging on his cheeks. He closes his eyes and sighs what seems to be a sigh of relief. “Be mine?” he asks, so calmly. “I already was” I giggle in return before he connects out lips, once again.

[gearhawk-studios]

Genshin Impact: Bloodlines

Prologue Part 3: Heart of a Hero

A wide known fact is that distractions can be a detriment to an author, whose mind and will is dedicated to committing stories to pen and paper. So, it is a necessity to find a workspace with the least amount of distractions, but the greatest amount of inspiration. For the 16-year-old Xandrin Scribhneoir, he preferred sitting on his favored boulder at the Falcon Coast. The lapping waves, the salty breeze, the occasional animal companion scurrying across the sandy surfaces, the gentle setting sun setting the sky ablaze in orange and blues… it was a place Xandrin found himself alone most of the time and had not taken this fact for granted.

He returned his sight to the leather bound notebook in his lap, already halfway filled with the tales of an upcoming knight of the Gunhildr Clan. When Xandrin had seen her on the training grounds of the Knights of Favonius, it was clear she had the will of a lion with her devastating swordplay, but the heart of a dandelion, soft and sweet. A perfect example of what Mondstadt’s knights should aspire to be, Xandrin thought to himself as he continued to write.

“Master Xandrin!”

The young man sighed, realizing his time uninterrupted was coming to an end. Closing his book, the Scribhneoir heir turned to see an older gentleman, wearing the black suit of a butler, rushing through the fields. His grey hair was tied into a long, slim and well kept ponytail, the beard trimmed with great finesse. The gentleman stopped at the stone, panting and coughing, “M-master Xandrin… please, you must not keep doing this…”

“Hector,” Xandrin addressed the man, wearing an exasperated smile on his face, “I’ve told you a hundred times, I can handle myself out here. Fiora made sure I wasn’t defenseless like I used to be.”

Hector raised his head, taking out a handkerchief and dapping the deep wrinkles on his forehead, “Be that as it may… your parents have expressly stated that I am to keep you in my sight at all times. So, would you please stop slipping away from me?”

With a mix of a sigh and a chuckle, Xandrin slid down from his favored spot and nodded to the butler, “I will do my best, Hector. C’mon, we should probably get back home.”

Gathering up his satchel and his writing supplies, Xandrin slung the bag over his shoulder and led Hector back down the all familiar path to Mondstadt. The smell of the salt on the air was soon replaced with the scent of the multitude of flowers around the fields of Windrise, something that made Xandrin smile.

“How is your next work coming along, Master Xandrin?” Hector spoke, his tone more composed.

Xandrin turned to him and thought for a moment, “It’s coming along. Just a little unnerving having to get this done within a month.”

“Such is the bane of authors, sir. A life of deadlines and writer’s block.”

Chuckling, Xandrin nodded, “It certainly can be, Hector. It certainly can.”

The two continued along, passing a flock of small birds that took off into the air. Xandrin watched them fly, leaving behind a couple of feathers that danced in the breeze. As Xandrin observed them, Hector spoke up once more, “May I ask a question, Master Xandrin?”

Xandrin nodded, still watching the feathers float to the ground. Hector cleared his throat, “You’ve been writing about the heroes of Mondstadt for quite a while, I have been wondering… have you not considered making a story of yourself?”

There was a long pause, as Xandrin turned and looked at Hector. Then, he shook his head, “I’m not much of a hero, Hector. What would there be to write? I’m just a writer, nothing much else to it.”

Hector smiled tiredly, “Perhaps, Master Xandrin. But have you-“

Xandrin held up a hand, both him and Hector stopping in their tracks. There was a new smell in the air. There was the faint scent of smoke… of blood. Eyes widening, he turned to Hector. Seeing his young master’s look in his gaze, Hector nodded as they turned their attention to the massive tree in the distance. The symbol of Vennessa.

Together they ran over, moving carefully over the massive roots of this ancient tree. As they moved, Xandrin noticed jagged scorch marks across the various roots, not caused by normal fire. He also saw broken sticks and shards of metal. Before he could notice more, Hector held out an arm, motioning for Xandrin to stop and get low.

Dropping behind one of the roots, Xandrin and his trusty butler peeked over to see a most disturbing sight. At the base of the tree was a statue to Barbatos, the Anemo Archon and God of Freedom. It was a spot common for the Sisters of the Church of Mondstadt to come to offer respects with the Knights of Favonius watching over them. Two such sisters, though one looked to be about Xandrin’s age while the other could be no older than 11, were fearful as a man in dark and rusted armor approached them. A knight, his own armor scorched, lay motionless on the ground with his claymore stuck in the ground.

The man approached the two girls, his long black hair free and only lightly obscuring his scarred face. He held a black sword, which seemed to crackle with lightning. His voice was low, with a charming edge to it, “Now, while I’d love to stay here and chat about the information I require, we have very little time. Come quietly with me, now.”

“G-get back,” the older girl, with a long braided brown pony tail and long pointed ears stammered, reaching for a pendant around her neck. It began to flow and lime green, light escaping the cracks in her grasp as suddenly a vine sprouted out of the ground to try and strike at the man.

Sighing, the man seemed to swing his sword nonchalantly, only making a shallow cut in the attacking plant. Lightning poured into the cut, frying it almost in an instant. The younger girl, in a white dress and blonde hair, began to cry, “S-sister Annabelle… I’m scared…”

The older girl turned to the younger girl and tried to put on a brave face, “It’s okay, Sister Barbara. It’ll be okay.”

Xandrin’s grip tightened, watching the man laugh at the girl’s obvious fear. He turned to Hector and whispered, “We have to do something.”

“What do you suggest, sir?” Hector nodded, looking worried but ready to assist.

“Can you get the girls out of here while I distract this guy?”

Hector looked shocked, “S-sir, I can’t-“

“It's obvious the knights will be here soon, as this guy is in a rush. I only need to hold him off for a little bit… please, Hector. I might not have a Vision, or be a hero. But I gotta do something.”

The loyal butler looked into Xandrin’s eyes, seeing the unwavering determination. Sighing, Hector nodded. A smile appeared across Xandrin’s face as he began to sneak around. The girls, on the other hand, had finished backing up and now were against the statue of Barbatos. The man continued to advance, a slow and menacing chuckle escaping his lips, “Do we really need to do this the hard way? All I want to know is the secrets the Church has been hiding.”

Just as the man was about to reach out and grab Annabelle, the man cried out in pain as he was knocked to the side. Standing just behind the man was Xandrin, holding the Favonius Claymore. The girls stared in astonishment at this young man, having swung the blade with ease. Hector immediately came over, “Excuse me ladies, but I believe this is our cue to get out of here.”

The girls nodded, Barbara whispering a thank you as Hector began leading them away. As they went away, Xandrin rested the greatsword on his shoulder. Hector got one last look as Xandrin said, “Like I said, Hector. Fiora made sure I could hold my own.”

With them rushing down the path to Mondstadt, Xandrin took a deep breath and turned to face the man who was standing back up. The man glared at Xandrin, “Just… who the hell do you think you are?!”

Xandrin placed a hand on his chest, “Me? I’m just an author passing through, don’t worry about me. What’s your name, Mr. Creep?”

The man spat, wiping a small amount of dirt from the corner of his mouth. Xandrin then noticed on the man’s left shoulder there was a purple gem with the symbol of Electro fashioned into the armor piece. This man had a Vision?

“Realizing you’re in over your head, punk?” The man sneered, flourishing the black blade in his hand again as sparks danced along the menacing edge.

Despite his heart racing, Xandrin kept a calm expression as he said, “I’ve seen people without Visions do a lot more damage than you, Mr. Creep.”

Scowling, the man dashed forward, leaving a wave of purple sparks in his wake. Xandrin barely had enough time to take the large blade on his shoulder and block the attack, making him slide back a couple of inches. The man looked at Xandrin, a smug expression across his scarred features as he came for another attack. The young author was faster this time, meeting the dark sword with his own.

Frowning, the man concentrated. The Vision began to light up in a bright violet light, he brought his blade back and came down hard with electricity beginning to arc along the edge. Xandrin moved to defend, but once the blades connected, the high voltage traveled through his blade and up his arms. Crying out, Xandrin loosened the grip and the man easily disarmed the young writer.

The blade flew high up in the air, landing far away from Xandrin. Seeing his hands now empty, Xandrin looked at the man and sheepishly grinned, “W-well, guess that happened…”

Without another word, the armored man raised a fist and slammed the back of it against Xandrin’s cheek, sending him flying. Crashing on the stone steps leading up to the Shrine of Barbatos, Xandrin groaned. He coughed up a small amount of blood, holding his side, “D-dammit…”

Sighing in frustration, the man stalked up to Xandrin, “Well… if I can’t get what I was looking for… I might as well get some target practice in…”

Outstretching a gloved hand, the Vision once again lit up as bolts of indigo lightning descended on Xandrin. The young man cried out, his nerves on fire and his clothes smoking from the impact. Releasing the bolts, the man spoke with a smug grin, “What the matter, punk? No more quips?”

Coughing and sputtering, Xandrin looked up to the man with a weak grin, “C-c’mon… I’ve seen tiny Electro Slimes give more voltage than your weak little stings…”

Growling, the man shot out his hand again. The torrent of lightning fell on Xandrin once again, pushing him back up against the statue hard as he screamed in pain. Gritting his teeth, the tears that would’ve flowed from Xandrin’s eyes were being instantly evaporated by the extreme heat as he looked up at the statue of Barbatos.

Please… help...

“Once I’m done with you, I’m gonna find those girls and I will find what I am looking for, brat,” the man shouted, increasing the lightning. “And once I have what I want… I might just need to have some more target practice with those girls and that old man…”

Xandrin’s eyes widened, the thought of those terrified girls… Hector… the lightning that scorched him now falling on them. No. His fists tightened, his gaze turning down to meet the man. No. He placed his hands on the statue behind him, trying to push himself up. No. The statue began to glow, the orb held by the immaculately carved Barbatos beginning to shine a seafoam green as the man looked shocked at this sudden change. NO. The wind began to swirl around the man and Xandrin, rapidly picking up pace as the glow of the orb from the statue began to flow down the stone structure and into Xandrin’s hands.

“NO!”

A massive gust of air launched out from Xandrin’s outstretched palm, slamming into the man as he went flying backward. The wind whipping around the statue and Xandrin sped up faster and faster, the soft green glow flowing through Xandrin’s body as he glared at the evil man who stared in astonishment.

“I won’t let you touch them!” Xandrin shouted, reaching out his right hand. The gilded greatsword flew from its resting spot, guided by the wind as it landed in Xandrin’s grasp perfectly.

“Th-the hell?!” The man shot up on his feet.

Xandrin looked about himself, unsure of what was going on himself. This felt… familiar somehow. But, how could he use this?

“Relax, Xandrin.”

The writer paused, hearing the words almost as if they were in his mind. He was about to speak when the friendly voice spoke again, “Breathe, Xandrin. Listen to the winds, hear their stories… hear how they wish for you to use them.”

Nodding to himself, Xandrin closed his eyes. Images flowed by him. A radiant lady knight, striking foes with thrusts of concentrated air, a young man with a mask launching himself high in the air to come crashing down, a blonde haired individual reaching out their palm to create a ball-like tornado in their hand…

“This is my power, the power of Anemo. Let it guide you, Xandrin Scribhneoir. Let the winds in your heart, the kind breeze the exudes from your soul, be the sword that defends the freedom of others.”

Eyes snapping open, Xandrin grasped the hilt of the claymore in both hands and brought it to his side, the winds whipping up and around the blade. The man, seeing Xandrin preparing himself, growled and ran his hand down the side of the blade, it glowing bright purple with lightning. He then charged forward, letting loose a battle cry, “Time to die, brat!”

“And here… is the finale!” Xandrin shouted as he stomped his foot down, using his entire body weight to swing the blade horizontally. The weaponized air became razor sharp, creating a green swathe of Anemo energy that barreled towards the man. Seeing this attack coming at him, the man raised his sword to catch the attack, but found it overwhelming as it overtook him.

The strike of wind took up the man, shredding his armor like paper as it threw him backwards. He crashed into the ground, creating a small crater in the side of a hill as he lost grip of his blade and fell limp and unconscious. The wind began to die down, Xandrin’s arms dropping to his sides as he fell to his knees. In the distance, he could see several armored Knights of Favonius rushing towards them. A small chuckle escaped the wounded Xandrin’s lips as he dropped the sword and fell to the ground himself.

As the Favonius Knights made it to the base of the tree, one singular knight who towered above the others walked over to the young Scribhneoir, his gentle gaze noticing a soft green glow coming from his chest. The knight turned Xandrin over, and his eyes widened. On the young man’s chest, attached to the strap of his satchel, sat a green glass orb with the symbol of Anemo etched in it.

“For your bravery, and your desire of inspiring the freedom to become a hero… I grant you, Xandrin Scribhneoir, the Vision of Anemo… may it lead you to the answers you will seek…”

[banditthewriter]

The Pact - 3

Here we go! I hope you all are still enjoying this story. I don’t think I’ve mentioned but this is only 8 parts long! 

Tags are at the bottom. Let me know if you would like to be added to one of my tag lists!

*gif is mine*

Enjoy!

***** Karen was on the phone with someone from work when you met her for breakfast. Frank had left a little after going to your room and you had been unable to get much sleep as you tried to figure out what your plan would be. "I know Ellison, I'm trying," she said into her phone as she stood off to the side of the room, "but it's not like I have a lot of free time right now." You hesitated for a moment, eavesdropping on her side of the conversation. "Listen, I'll write the story, but I need you to give me a break. You know what I'm going through right now." A story? You approached and cleared your throat, smiling at her when she noticed you. She mumbled something to the other person on the line before she hung up, smiling at you as you made your way to the tables. "Thank you so much for doing this," she said as she picked up a menu, not looking at it yet. "My friends aren't going to be able to get down here until the wedding so I'm kind of doing this solo. I don't have many female friends." You nodded and picked up your own menu. "I know what you mean. Girls wanted to be my friend as a teenager to get to know Frank, but other than that I tend to be more solitary. Him and Billy are really the only people I consider a friend." She nodded and looked over the menu for a moment before she put it down. "Can you tell me about Billy? I haven't met him yet either. I was more nervous to meet you, but I'd still like to know." At your blank look, she smiled at you a little. "Frank said the two of you were close?" You were still hung up on the fact that she had been nervous to meet you, but still. You nodded and then thought about what you could tell her about Billy. "Well, he's more than a pretty face. He's smart and driven. You know about Anvil, right? Well he just did a huge deal over in London. That's why he isn't here with me now. He’s great, really." You picked up the glass of water that a waiter had poured for you and kept going. "I mean, you know they met in the Marines, right? There's really not much else to know." She smiled and leaned forward to pat your hand a bit. "He sounds great. I can't wait to meet him." You nodded uncomfortably before you looked back at your menu. It was going to be a long day. ------ There's something weird with her. She was talking about writing a story. Oh god, she's a writer? Frank should leave her for that alone. Ha ha. Asshole. I mean it. It seemed like she's writing a story about something and she's secretive about it. She was talking to someone named Ellison. Seems like a big deal. Well I looked her up. Surprised you hadn't yet. She works for the Bulletin here in the city. Ellison is the EIC there. So what story is she working on that she is going to act that cagey about? I'm going to see if I can get anything out of her about it. ------ Karen had smiled when you told her that you had been texting Billy. The two of you had been going through shops to try to find some last minute wedding items. "Frank let me pick the cake," she said, continuing the conversation without a pause. "I picked something simple because neither of us are really big on sweets." You nodded as you flicked through the fabrics she was looking at for table cloths. "Frank told me that you were a journalist," you blurted out, internally wincing for not doing that better. "That must be interesting." "I'm surprised he said anything. Frank doesn't like my job. I'm kind of an investigative journalist." That was surprising. And you hoped it didn't bite you in the ass. "That sounds so interesting. Are you uh, working on anything at the moment?" You waited for the lie, braced yourself for it. This might be what you needed. "Actually I'm working on this piece about the guy named Kingpin. It's definitely a thing between Frank and I because he's worried that I'm putting myself in danger over it." She sighed and let her fingers linger on one of the fabrics. "My editor wants me to stop too, but I don't think I can. I was just telling him this morning that I'm taking a break for the wedding, but I want to finish it. I have to tell the truth. Kingpin, whoever he is, is a blemish on our city." Jesus, you thought as you smiled tightly and changed the subject, was she some sort of Saint or something? The more you learned about Karen, the more you realized she seemed like a good fit for Frank. You didn’t want to admit it, but you were starting to think that you were making a mistake.

X

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[imagines-of-the-creed]

Swimming Lessons (Edward Kenway)

Writer’s block is a bitch, really.

I finally managed to go back and finish one of my random writing pieces and I’m actually proud of myself for doing so. I’m deeply sorry that it isn’t a request from here, but from one of my other posting sites, but I hope you still love Edward as much as I do :) Anyways, enjoy!

Word Count: 2751

“You have got to be messin’ with me lass.”

Edward’s deep laughter filled the deck of the Jackdaw, his calloused hands came up to press against his chest to try and contain his laughter, but it was useless; out of the few facts that he had been learning about you, the one you had just shared with him moments ago was the one that had made him crack up.

While Edward leaned up against the railing of on the deck, laughing so hard that tears were brimming his eyes, you stood only a few feet away from him, your arms folded tightly across your chest as your tan cheeks turned into a deep shade of red while you did your best to withstand your partner’s laughter.

“I’m not messin’,” You spoke shyly, a small smile creeping onto your face the longer you stared at Edward’s radiant one, “I told you I’d be honest with you and here you are makin’ fun of me for it.”

“Oh lass,” His hearty laughter began to quiet down as he wiped away the stray tears from the creases of his eyes, “I don’t mean to make fun of you, but it’s kind of hard not to,” He took a moment to fix his composure and take a couple steps closer to you, “You are one of the most feared captains out on the sea—maybe second best to me—and you are terrified of the water and don’t know how to swim.”

For a brief moment, Edward’s shimmering blue gaze held yours but the moment he thought about the fact, he began to chuckle once more, but to a lesser degree. He slapped a calloused hand upon your shoulder as he looked down at the wooden planks before returning his gaze back up to yours.

“It kinda sounds like you are makin’ fun,” you sighed in slight irritation and embarrassment as he was making such a big deal that some of his crew were looking onto the both of you. “When I shared that with you, I was hopin’ you would help me, not ridicule me.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he apologized over and over as he composed himself once more; he didn’t mean to laugh as much as he did, but he just found your situation to be funny. “I’m just thinkin’ back to that battle we had a couple weeks ago when you were scrambling for anything that could float on that ship we was borrowin’; you should’ve seen the look on your face when you were doin’ it too…”

“Edward…” You warned him while you had cast a hardened look at some of his curious crew members. “Can you help me or not?”

“I can definitely help you, just remember,” he came to stand beside you, wrapping an arm around your shoulder and leading you to the break in the railing, “it’s alright to be a late bloomer in getting your sea legs, I used to be like you and now look at me. I’m one of the best that rules these oceans. You’ll get your legs by the end of today, I promise.”

While you shook your head softly at his self-boosting words, you couldn’t wipe the smile that had crawled onto your lips and stayed there the moment he wrapped his arm around you. Your arm had come to wrap itself around his waist as you walked alongside the railing on the deck, just enjoying being so close to Edward and not having to worry about imminent dangers that the two of you either ran into or created.

Edward had stopped the both of you at the break in the railing where the docking would take place and made you stand there with him despite him noticing you trying to back away from the very edge of the deck.

Your wide eyes looked down to your weather-beaten boots and let your gaze drift only a couple inches ahead of you to see the navy blues waves crashing against the ship, causing it to slightly careen side to side, “Uh, Edward, do you mind if we do back up from the edge just for a bit? I don’t believe I’m quite ready to start just yet.”

His light chuckles reached your ear as he told you to not to worry and just when you thought he was about to take another dig at you for not being able to swim, his next words had taken you completely off guard.

“You know you have the most mesmerizing (E/C) eyes I’ve seen on this side of the ocean, don’t you?” A light smirk crept upon his lips as his sparkling blue irises roamed all over your face.

“W-What?” Your gaze narrowed as you looked at him with plain confusion, “What are you goin’ on about?”

“You heard me,” He took his arm from around your neck and wrapped it around your waist instead, pulling you slightly closer than you had been before; his actions were definitely confusing you, but you couldn’t say that you didn’t like it one bit. “And since you shared somethin’ about you, I might as well as do the same.”

Your eyes only grew narrowed as he smiled at you, “I’ve had my sights set on you ever since Blackbeard introduced me to you. Your not only a fine business partner but a lady as well.”

Nervous chuckles escaped your mouth as you looked at the ground for a brief moment before returning your gaze to Edward’s piercing one. You two swayed with one another, mimicking the motions of the ship as you stood there, completely enraptured by his strange, but sweet words.

“Oh, really?” You mused. The feelings he was speaking was mutual but you never really shared it with him; you had a sense that there was something between you two, you just chose not to act on it due to his mysterious past.

“There has been one thing I’ve been dying to do ever since I met you, really…” Edward confessed, looking at you with a soft smile.

“And what’s that?”

Edward took his arm from around your waist and took both of his calloused hands and placed them on your biceps firmly before looking at you with mirth plain in his eyes. He began to lean in slowly and it made your heart race as you followed suit, knowing the typical outcome of this type of action.

Just before your lips connected, Edward’s arms extended outwards forcefully and shoved you off the deck and into the raging black waters below. The moment your boots left the hard surface of the deck and you felt yourself free-falling, you became paralyzed with fear and anger at the sudden turn of events. A short shriek left your lips before you were immersed into the salty water. You didn’t have time to process what happened as you knew that you were now doing your best to try and make a break to the surface to get a fresh breath of air into your lungs.

Edward heard the splash below and leaned over the railing to observe your actions carefully. He saw you flailing your arms about under the water’s surface but made no quick actions to dive in and save you from your possible death.

“Swimmin’ is a vital survival skill for us out on the seas, it might come on handy at the most unexpected times, you have to be always ready.” He stated loudly as he watched you break surface a couple of times over the waves that were slamming against the ship. “When your life's on the line, you’ll learn and do anything to survive.”

You only managed to get short bursts of his name out as you did your best to keep above the water, but you were failing miserably. The longer you stayed in the dark waters, the more you thought about the other dangers other than just drowning; you began to think about another ship coming out of the blue to fight with the Jackdaw or a pack of blood-thirsty sharks coming to devour you into tiny bits.

Edward stood his ground at the railing of the deck and watched you stay under the surface for a majority of the time. His crew members were beyond shocked at his actions and some voiced their own opinion to him by yelling at him to fish you out and take them to the nearest port, but he ignored their comments and held onto his hope that you would persevere and overcome your fear to survive.

“They’ll be fine, men, give them some time and they’ll be swimming like a fish in no time.” Edward nodded towards his crew while they continued to watch you sink lower and lower under the raging waves. “They just aren’t puttin’ in enough effort…”

Edward’s voice trailed off as he finally took a moment to look down at the water to see that your movements were minimal and you were fading in the dark waters; his knuckles on the railing were turning white as his own hope drained from him and he knew that he had to intervene quickly.

He shrugged off his top coat and tossed his weapons belt aside and dove into the water with grace. The minute his skin touched the water, it gave him a wave of goosebumps at being relieved from the scorching caribbean's sun’s rays, but he kept focused on the task at hand and that was retrieving you from the under the waves.

He spotted you a few feet away and quickly made his way towards you, stopping just before colliding with your body. He saw your hair flow with grace in the water but he saw that your mouth was open slightly ajar and your eyes were closed. Panic began to wash over him as he knew that his tactics had put you in grave danger.

Snaking an arm around your chest, he began to ascend to the surface with you in tow. His grip was tight as he was scared of letting your slip right out of his grasp. The moment he broke to the surface, he shouted for his men to throw a rope down for him and you; once the rope hit the water, Edward wasted no time tying it tight around your waist and making sure it was secure he tugged on it before yelling at his men to pull you up.

He climbed up the ladder on the side of his ship and rushed to your side the minute he reached the deck. He shoved his men aside and undid the knot around your chest before pulling your coat away from your soaking body; Edward yelled for his men to look the other way as he wanted to protect your modesty if he needed to remove any more clothing, but some refused to leave just in case he needed help.

“Oh lass, come on now…” Edward brushed the wet hair out of your face and began pumping away at your chest to get your heart beating again, “I can’t let you go now.”

He leaned over you for a couple of minutes, pumping, but nothing was happening. He stopped and began to blow breaths of air into your lungs through your mouth with hope that the last resort would revive you.

After the first breath, your body jerked to the side as little spurts of water poured out of your mouth, but your eyes never opened. Edward’s small smile faded as quickly as it appeared when he saw that you went back to laying on your back.

“Jesus, man…” Edward didn’t know what else to do but continue to give you mouth to mouth, but he felt like he was helping a lost cause the longer you laid there with no response. He sat back on the balls of his feet for a moment before thinking of an idea that would either work or not, but he knew that if it did work and you woke up, it was only out of the kindness of his heart that he did it.

Edward pulled his open palm back and slammed it against your chest and watched your head jerk upwards as the remaining water in your lungs came up through your throat and all over Edward. Your eyes opened as you violently gasped for air, your pruny hands pushing your upper body upwards as you choked on the last mouthfuls of seawater in your throat.

The salty water sprayed all over Edward, but he didn’t mind one bit as he stared at you in astonishment, not believing that he actually saved your life rather than taking it. While you struggled to get air into your lungs, Edward assisted you in sitting you up on the deck and rubbing your back soothingly, trying to make up for his foolish antics moments before.

“That’s it, lass, just breathe,” He soothed, pulling the wet strands of hair away from your face as you finally let your body relax from the stress you experienced moments earlier.

“I cannot believe you did that to me, Edward,” you said breathlessly, slowly tilting your head upwards to look at him; your eyes were narrowed as you tried to mask your anger towards him. You lost it when he flashed you a sheepish smile, the next thing you did was slap him hard across his face, so hard that it made him look in the other direction, “What the hell were you thinking?”

“I...I deserved that,” He rubbed his cheek as he turned to look at you once more. “I thought I was doing you a favor; most people’s survival instincts come out when they're put in danger. I thought yours would show itself when I pushed you off the deck.”

“Well they didn’t!” You shouted, ending your sentence with a slight cough, “I could’ve died you buffoon! If I didn’t drown, I sure as hell would’ve been a snack for the sharks below.”

A heavy sigh left Edward’s parted lips while he stared you down for a moment, thinking over his actions. “I was wrong in what I did and I hope you can forgive me,” he paused, a small smirk coming across his lips, “after all though, you did ask for my help.”

You shook your head softly, still trying to get over the slight headache that you got from the lack of oxygen, “apology accepted.”

“Good, now--”

He was cut off by another smack across his cheek, knocking him off the balls of his feet, “Jesus, I thought you were alright, what the hell was that for?”

“That’s for smacking me in my chest, I was awake with the first spurt of water out of my lungs,” you informed him, “if you would’ve just put your ear to my chest instead of puttin’ your lips on mine, you would’ve known that.”

“I’m sorry for that too, I was just scared you were gonna die on me,” Edward confessed honestly, looking at dry wooden boards of the deck, “I’ve lost so many good friends and if I lose one more, I think I would go insane.”

“Well, maybe you should express your affection for your friends in other ways other than shovin’ them off your ship right before you think that you’re gonna kiss them,” You stated, standing up to stretch out your wet limbs, “Did I really have to drown in order to get that kiss from you? Was that it?”

Edward chuckled before standing beside you, “No, you didn’t, but I just had to get your mind off things to try and get you prepared for your lesson. Everything I told you was from my heart, as weird as it sounds, I didn’t lie to you.”

“Well, I’ll have to think on your feelin’s, especially after this little stunt that I learned nothin’ from.”

Your dry laughter brought a smile to Edward’s face.

“If I offered you a more easy lesson on swimmin’, would you give me another chance?” He asked you, hoping that you would pass up the deal.

“I think I’d take it, so long as it’s by the shores.” You stated, holding out your hand for him to shake on it, “maybe if that lesson goes well, I’ll get a safe kiss that time, hm?”

Edward pulled you into a hug as he grabbed your hand, “Definitely. I promise it’ll go much smoother than this one did.”

“We’ll see.”

[shysupernaturalfangirl]

Different - Dean Winchester x Reader - Part 2

Fandom: Supernatural

Pairing(s): Dean x Reader

World: Reverse French Mistake AU

Word Count: 1,796

Warning(s): Cussing, Suggestive Thoughts

Summary: It’s every fan-girl’s dream to either, end up in the world of their fantasies, their fandom, or to wind up with on of the actors or characters. There is a couple thousand fanfictions with such circumstances. She never thought in her wildest dreams, that she’d actually end up in a fanfiction situation.

Taglist: @sillydecoy @blackeyedangel9805 @heythereamigodude

 Sitting on the table in the kitchen, I swing my pajama clad legs, watching Dean Winchester as he flips an omelet, my eyes trailing over his bare back, taking in the rippling muscles as he moves, cooking with a speediness that only a professional chef could match. Crossing my arms over my chest, I clench my hands into fists to keep from touching him, my inner fan-girl going rabid for the chance. “So it’s been a week since you’ve been here. We don’t know anything about you.” Dean points out, snapping me from my reverie as I bite my bottom lip, thinking on his words.

 “Well, what would you like to know?” I ask, causing him to turn to the table I’m on, the pan in his hand as he scrapes the omelet onto a plate, sprinkling some cheese on top with the rest of the bacon that he’d cooked, before sticking a fork in it, to hand it to me.

 “What do you do in your world?” He asks as soon as I taken a bite of the omelet, the bacon, cheese, sausage, mushrooms, and tomatoes each bring a singular burst of flavor, before coming together in a cohesive song, the taste causing me to hum.

 “This is really good.” I point out, sawing another bite off, while Dean chuckles. “I actually work as a Writer for my local Newspaper. It doesn’t pay much, the boss is perverted, and the hours suck, but I can pay my rent, utilities, and get food for myself and Daisy, so I’m not much for protesting.” I explain, causing him to nod.

 “What do you write? Sports? Obituaries?” He inquires as he leans against the table next to me, crossing his arms over his chest, making the muscles bludge, rendering me silent for a minute as I swallow thickly. Don’t think about them! Don’t. Too late. Good Chuck! I’d love those arms wrapped around my waist, or his fingers around my thighs. Mm. “Emily?” I jump at his voice, his hand resting on my shoulder, causing me to blush.

 “Eheh.” I give a nervous laugh. “Uh, no.” I remember his question now. “I actually write for the Dear Abby column. It’s an advice column, whether it’s about romance, or school, or family, I’m your gal.” I explain, causing Dean to nod, humming in thought as I shovel a couple more bites into my mouth.

 “So, if I wrote to you about a fight between Sam and I, you’d be able to give advice?” Dean asks.

 “Or, about a person you want to woo. Moving out on your own. Getting a dog. Basically anything you have questions for, if I chose your letter, I’d have to come up with advice for.” I explain, causing him to nod, understanding my words now. “It’s actually a lot harder than it sounds, actually. I have to be careful not to sound offensive to others reading the article, or give the advice that I’d given in the past, and that’s more difficult than you’d believe.”

 “Sounds like you enjoy writing.” He says, causing me to blush, smiling to myself.

 “Yeah. I’ve been working my way up to writing my own book. Making connections, talking with publishers, finding an editor who will take a chance on rookie with a pipedream.” I shake my head, spearing a mushroom with my fork, and popping it into my mouth. “And right now that’s all it is. Being an author is a very difficult job- just look at Chuck.”

 “Well, Chuck has a lot more going for him. Being a Prophet of God doesn’t seem that simple.” I pause at his words, stiffening as I realize that he doesn’t know! Ho-ly Chuck! I shovel the rest of the omelet into my mouth. “You done?” He asks, taking the plate before I can answer, causing me to watch as he takes it to the sink with the rest of the dishes, and I press off the table, hopping down to walk over to his side.

 “Let me help.” I state, causing him to glance at me, before shrugging.

 “You don’t have to.”

 “I want to.”

 “Alright, you rinse.” He says, causing me to nod, the two of us get to work washing, rinsing, and stacking the dishes. “Careful with this one.” He says, handing me a large plate, which I stick under the faucet, turning it on, only for water to spurt up, spraying the two of us as I let out a laugh and scream, flinching as Dean dives for the knob. “I said careful!” He smirks as I scowl at him, flinging a soaked arm at him, the water splashing him in the face, causing his face to fall, a serious look coming over it. “Oh that’s it. He grabs a cup of water flinging the liquid at me.

 “Dean Winchester, you are so dead!” I snarl, causing his eyes to widen, before he takes off through the kitchen and down the hall. Grabbing a bowl full of water, I give chase, following him throughout the Bunker, until we get to the library, where he dashes behind Sam. “Human shields won’t protect you!” I scream, dashing across the room, jumping onto the table. “Sorry Sam, he deserves this!” I splash the two of them with the water, Sam’s eyes widen as Dean stands, grabbing me around the waist as I let out a scream, laughing as he lifts me from the table, the bowl falls from my grasp as Dean chuckles spinning around. “Put me down! Put me down! Dean!” My voice pitches as it becomes harder to breath from laughing. “Dean!!!” He panics at my cry, setting me down as I take a gulp of breath, squatting down to wrap my around my knees.

 “You alright?” He asks, tone worried as I take a few more breathes.

 “S-Sorry. I couldn’t breath.” I explain, causing him to chuckle.

 “It’s alright,” He pats my back carefully, allowing me to take some deep breathes, before I sit up again. “you feel better?”

 “Too excited. Too much...” I smile at him. “I feel a lot better.” He helps me to my feet as Sam stands, clearing his throat.

 “Why don’t we get changed, and then start looking for a hunt?” Sam says, allowing me to glance at Dean, before smiling at his brother.

 “Time for something other than PJs.” I state, spinning around with a hop, before waltzing out of the library, into my room, not far from Dean’s. Dressing in a pair of jean and black short sleeve, pulling my red hair back into a ponytail before I tug on my combat boots. “Ready for the hunt for the hunt!” I call as I enter the library, Sam and Dean are on their laptops, when Dean hands me a book.

 “Lore studying.” He says, causing me to huff, dropping into a chair, flipping the book open with an annoyed sigh.

 “Lame.” I state, causing him to chuckle.

 “Well, Sweetheart, ya gotta start somewhere.” Dean answers.

 “When do we get to the guns?” He looks up at my question, before shaking his head.

 “Learning the lore will help further in hunts.” Sam answers.

 “I know about as much as you guys do. I’ve been watching Supernatural for ages.” I point out, causing Sam and Dean to exchange looks.

 “Why are you so interested in that show?” Sam asks, causing me to look right at him and Dean, before looking away.

 “Oh look! Werewolves!” I state, changing the subject, noticing out of the corner of my eye, that the two of them exchange looks of confusion. Leaning back in my chair, flipping through the book with a soft hum.

 “Uh... Emily-”

 “You can call me, Em.”

 “Uh, Em... You should know that you can talk to us. Anything from the past can be important to our investigation on how and why you came here.” Sam states, causing me to glance up, seeing the two of them looking at me in worry.

 “It’s... a bit personal.” I explain, causing Dean to press off the table, walking over to me. “W-What?”

 “Nothing.” He shakes his head, placing his hand on my head, causing my to look at him in confusion. “You stay here with Sam, I’m gonna do a food run.”

 “Ooh, Bacon Cheese burger with curly fries, and a vanilla milkshake please.” I squeak, causing Dean to eye me, before he chuckles.

 “Sure thing, Sweetheart.” He pats my head, before he glances at Sam. “Salad?” He asks, raising an eyebrow, and Sam nods. “Alright, be good.” He shoots me, before walking past Sam, patting his brother on the shoulder. “Keep an eye on her.”

 “Of course.” Sam nods, causing me to laugh.

 “I’m not that much trouble!” I call as he leaves the library, Sam chuckles as I turn back to my book, the front door shutting behind him.

 “He’s getting protective of you.” I glance over at Sam, who is scouring the web, eyes attentive despite the conversation he’s started. I grapple for a response, scanning the words in the book, before sighing as I close it, setting it on the table to look at the younger of the brothers.

 “I don’t need anyone to be protective of me.” He looks at me. “I’ve been through hell, Sam. Not like you, it’s not as bad as anything you and Dean have through, but I have a past too. It’s hell for me.” Swallowing thickly, I grip my arms to my chest, looking down. “I don’t need protection. Despite what you think.”

 “We’re going to be protective of you.” Sam says, causing me to frown. “It’s our responsibility to protect you. Dean... He takes these things seriously, even more than me. We’re worried about you.” He looks up at me finally. “We’re here to protect you. You can count on us, even if there are things that you don’t think you can tell us, believe me. We want to know. We want to protect you.” He explains.

 “You... hardly know me.” I murmur, bringing my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around them. “You can preach, and bleed, and sacrifice, and pep for each other, but... I’m just me. I’m alone.” I brush my locks from my face. “I don’t expect either of you, or even Cas, to do for me, what you do for each other. I’m willing to hold my own, fight back against the evil within me, or around me. To be strong for others and myself. It’s... on me.” Sam sighs, carding his fingers through his hair.

 “You may not expect it. But, you got it.” Sam grins. “Lets see you earn it.” I glance at him, before I feel a smile upon my lips.

 “You got it.”

[lilaswordsandthings]

That’s What Friends Are For Ch.2

A/N: It looks like this fic is going to end up being longer than I initially thought, and that is ok with me. *If You Like This Fic, Please reblog it/comment. We Fanfic writers need to help each other out. I’m Tagging all the usual suspects 

@illegalcerebral @dontshootmespence @reid-effect @stunudo @ultrarebelheart   

Chapter 2: A Thousand Questions

 A new case came in a few hours after Reid and JJ left for the airport. As Matt, Tara, Alvez, and Rossi filed into the conference room they couldn’t help but notice that two of their teammates were conspicuously missing.

 “Ok, now that everybody’s here, let’s get started,” Emily said.

 “Wait a minute, we’re not all here.” Tara pointed out.

 “Yeah, she’s right.” Matt agreed. “Where are Reid and JJ?”

 “They won’t be joining us. Reid was just notified of the death of an old friend, also the fact that this friend gave birth shortly before her death. It’s a long story and I promise I’ll explain everything to you guys later but right now, we need to get started.”

 “First the fiasco a few years ago, then he was abducted and almost sacrificed by a cult, now this…” Tata said.

 “Yeah… that’s why I sent JJ with him. I didn’t think it was a good idea for him to go alone. That’s said, it’s important that the rest of us hold down the fort while they’re gone, so let’s get started.”

 Sensing that was her cue, Garcia grabbed the remote, stood, and began the briefing.

 “Alright my pretties, this time you’re jetting to Beatty Nevada. It’s a smaller city about two hours northwest of Las Vegas. In the last two weeks, three women, all with dark hair in their early twenties to mid-thirties, were found. They were all stripped naked, bound, strangled, severely beaten, and sexually assaulted. They were all dumped on side streets or in allies, basically lightly traveled public places. It’s still pretty early out there so the latest victim was only found a half hour ago.”

 “And as soon as they were sure she was connected to the others, they called us,” Emily added.

 “Right off the bat, it’s pretty obvious we’re looking for a male offender. Men get off on this kind of violence, women don’t.” Tara said.

 “He could’ve chopped them up and/or buried them, even just dumped them in more isolated areas. It wouldn’t be hard in a city surrounded by desert, but he chose not to. It’s important to him that they’re found quickly, and in as compromising a state as possible. He’s getting off, not just on the violence, but on humiliating these women” Rossi theorized.

 “And once and Unsub like this gets started, it only gets worse. Wheels up in twenty.”

                                                         ***

 Meanwhile, JJ and Reid were in the air, flying to Las Vegas. Reid was sitting by the window, JJ was in the seat to his right. She watched as he stared hopelessly out the window. JJ could only imagine what must be running through his mind.

 “Spence, it’s gonna be ok.” She said.

 “How JJ? How, when we don’t even know how Becca died?” He asked.

 JJ couldn’t think of what to say, so she just looked at him, trying to appear reassuring. Finally, she asked: “How close were the two of you?”

 “We were best friends, she was pretty much the best friend I ever had outside of our team. What I don’t understand is why she never told me she was in trouble you know? The social worker said that based on the letter, Becca knew she was dying, but I talked to her the night before. She seemed fine. She didn’t mention anything about being in trouble, or that she’d just had a baby. I had no idea she was even pregnant. Now all of a sudden, when it’s already too late to help her, she asks me to raise her daughter? None of this makes sense.”

 “Well, I don’t know her, but I do know you. The fact that she chose you to adopt her baby, Spence, mothers, especially mothers of newborns, she’s trusting you with the one thing, the one person she loved more than life itself. She asked you to do this for her, for a reason. So I have to believe that whatever was going on, there’s a reason she didn’t want you to know but it wasn’t that she didn’t trust you.”

 “I just… I need to know what happened, and I need to make sure that nothing happens to Becca’s daughter.” He replied

 Just like that, his mind drifted back to the last time he’d seen her.

 3 years earlier

 When Spencer walked into the dimly lit dining room of Thompson’s Restaurant Grill, it looked empty at first. The sign on the door had said open but there didn’t seem to be anyone there.

 “Hello? Becca?” He called out.

 Suddenly, Becca popped out from beneath the bar. She was wearing a red tank top with a black, sleeveless leather vest over it. Her black hair was cut at shoulder-length and heavily layered, and her blue eyes were framed by thick black eyeliner. She had a glass in one hand, and a dishtowel in the other.

 “Well, if it isn’t one of my favorite people.” She said with a smile. She walked out from behind the bar and wrapped him in a tight embrace. “Where have you been? It’s been forever! We miss you around here…” she told him as she squeezed before letting him go.

 “Becca, I’m pretty sure you’re the only one who still lives here who actually misses me.” He replied.

 “Dude, if I’m your only friend, that’s just sad. I don’t say that to insult you, I mean if that’s true, then that just proves what I’ve thought for years, that ninety-five percent of the human race sucks.”

 He chuckled. “You might be right about Las Vegas, but fortunately you’re far from my only friend.”

 “Good. I was about to ask you whose butts I need to kick.” She said as she set the glass down on the counter with a thud. “So what brings you back to town anyway? Your mom?”

 “Yeah, actually I’m in the process of moving her to a different facility. I came down to get the rest of her stuff. I thought I’d come say ‘hi’, before I left town.”

 “Well, I’m glad you did, want something to eat?”

 “Sure.”

 “Let me guess, the usual?”

 “How’d you know that?”

 “Spencer, I’ve known you since I was four. You’ve ordered the exact same meal every single time you’ve come in here for the last twenty years. You, my friend, are a creature of habit if there ever was one. The only variation is whether you want a soda or something with alcohol.”

 “How about water?” He asked.

 “Really? Are you changing things around just to disprove my theory?”

 “…Maybe…”

 She smiled. “Alright, coming right up, do want an orange slice?”

 “Isn’t it usually lemon?”

 “Not here. My house, my rules, and the first rule is…” she paused for dramatic effect, “weirdness is a good thing.”

 He smiled.“Alright then. Yes, put an orange in it.”

 “Way ahead of you.” She replied, filling a tall glass with ice water and getting an orange out of the cooler to her left. Before slicing it she turned to the kitchen door behind her, opened it a crack, and yelled into the kitchen. “Hey Pop, I need a turkey club with fries, extra sauce no cheese.” Then she finished what she was doing and handed Spencer his water.

 “So, how’s everything going?” He asked.

 “Great, I’m teaching graphic design as an adjunct professor at Alta. I only still moonlight here to help Pop out, since Mama can’t.”

 “That’s great!” he exclaimed. “I know you loved it when you were a student there.”

 “I did indeed.” She said. “Don’t think I don’t know the real reason you’re asking Spencer. It’s better now that I have my own place. I’m only here about twenty hours a week, almost all of which is spent down here and not up in our old apartment so, I hardly ever see her these days.”

 “You just told me that things are great, but you just said that like it’s a bad thing.” He pointed out.

 She sighed. “I guess, if I’m honest with myself, I kinda feel guilty about how much happier I am not being here as much.”

                                                    Present Day

 “Spence? You ok?” JJ asked, drawing him back to the present.

 “Y-heah, I’m fine. W-why do you ask?”

 “You’ve been staring into space for the last half hour like you were somewhere else. What were you thinking about?”

 “The last time I saw her. It was when I was moving my mom from Bennington to Houston. I went to look for her at her family’s restaurant. Even after she graduated from college, she still worked there part time helping her dad out. She was there, we talked, I had dinner. She seemed fine, happier than I’d ever seen her. Actually, it was like the life she wanted was finally coming together. Now I’m just wondering what changed.” He said, glancing over to meet JJ’s eye.

 She knew that look. Help me understand.

 “What do you mean?” She asked.

 “I mean, she’s fine, her career’s finally headed where she’s always wanted it to go, she’s cut almost all ties with her abusive mother and then…this… Even with the letter, social services wouldn’t have even notified me about the baby if they knew who the father was, so she either didn’t know herself, or doesn’t want him in daughter’s her life for some reason. I’m guessing it’s the latter. Becca was… a little rough around the edges but sleeping with and getting pregnant by someone she didn’t know just doesn’t fit. Then she gives birth, immediately abandons her child, and dies suddenly of no apparent cause on the steps of a church? None of it makes any sense to me.”

 “I asked Garcia to look into the last few years of your friend’s life so we can try to figure out what happened to her,” JJ told him. “We should have some answers by the time we land.”

 “Thanks for coming with me JJ.” He said.

 “Of course.”

 “Really…I… I don’t know how I’d get through this without you…”

 “I’m right here Spence. Whatever happens, I’m always on your side.”

 “You’re the best.” He replied, smiling for the first time since hearing the news.

 “So, you think she knew who the baby’s father is?” JJ asked.

 “Yes. Which means there must be another reason why social service can’t find him, I don’t think she wanted whoever he is to know about the baby.”

[sequoiann]

✎ it’s ya girl denise !!!!! and guess what!! yes it’s already in the header but hfsdk i’ve hit my first anniversary!!! it’s crazy that i’ve actually sustained my account for a year! im rly so so grateful tht i’ve built up this… thing…. :^) the tumblr fam + the friends ive made through this acc was a hugeee part of my 2017, and im sure it’d be an even bigger part of my 2018 ! i’d like to thank everyone for being willing to read my pile of bullcrap tht i pour out of my head, ive said this before n i’ll say it again: i never ever imagined tht i’ll have a successful writing acc on here! i’ve tried writing on other platforms (like wattpad) before but it nv rly worked out well long-term bc it became a chore for me to post n update my stories…. but it’s never like tht on tumblr bc of you sweet buttercups!!! thnk u all for constantly reminding me to take care of myself n for checking in on me randomly nd !!! for keyboard smashing your souls out + screaming @ me when i post content!! every little action you guys do rly impacts me a lot, n even when u guys just come by n drop a msg in my inbox my heart just combusts n 💞💛🚨💎💗💥💘‼ (okay enough yapping)

i honestly dont know how follow forevers work but ! i’d like to mention people tht hv, in one way or another, helped me to keep this account going! i cant mention e v e ry o n e but do know tht as long as you’ve made a single note on my dash or hv positive views on my content, you’d be in this list if i cld fit everyone!! i love you all and thnk u so much for everything!

💛: scroll 2 the bottom for a msg! 💗: bithc i’d fling myself out of the solar system for you ilysdm wth ⛅: i actl stalk ur page every few days n send in anon asks bc im a coward but haa thnk u 4 being an inspiration to humanity 💫: we dont talk a lot yet but i absolutely adore ur content!!! n i hope you’re well n happy bc u deserve all the love u can get !

a-c :

@andromedaneedsoxyjin 💗 @adoretexts ⛅ @ajuimaginary 💗 @boosoonhao 💛 @bfwooz 💗 @blondshua 💫 @bookwan 💗 @cheolshu 💫 @chittafont ⛅ @choco-seventeen 💛 @caratvocals 💛 @cosmicae 💗 @chillihansol 💛 @camera-seventeen 💫

d-o :

@dumbbelle 💛 @dreamingseventeen 💛 @gyuofficial 💫 @hansolmates 💗 @hoshidotcom  💫 @hyungwon  💫 @hxshi  💫 @honeywonu 💗 @jeongahn  💗 @joshsua 💫 @jiso2 💗 @jeong-hanie 💫 @joshpup 💗 @johshuas 💫 @jeonghney  💫 @kristian-do 💗 @kingyu97 💛 @kwoncity 💗 @lxveille 💗 @myungho ⛅ @neoyeppuda 💛 @oatmealupdates 💗

p-s :

@princeshushu @paintedshua 💛 @peachseong ⛅ @pasteluji ⛅ @pjimims ⛅ @rappershua 💫 @seventeendom 💫 @soongyuz @shuvee 💫@saythename17scenarios 💗 @starshua @sailorimagines ⛅ @swimmingfool 💫@sebongie-loves ⛅ @softmanscoups 💫 @softhaos ⛅ @soongyuz 💛

t - # :

@ttherose 💫 @taekemeaway ⛅ @tswoondere 💫 @vitaminhosh 💫 @versigny ⛅ @warmau ⛅ @welovekpopscenarios 💗 @writers-leir ⛅ @writingdummy 💗 @whatsoodo ⛅ @wonuz ⛅ @17cuties ⛅ @17cafe 💗 @17mounteens 💗

❥ @boosoonhao

love!!! okay hello hngh we hvnt talked the most yet but i dont think i’ve expressed my utmost love for you enough so yes let me tell you how much i l o v e your content, plus u post quality works so often it makes my little heart so !!! content !!! im not sure when you made your account n i think i discovered your blog a little late but thnk u for your effort in everything you do, u rly inspire me to keep working on my drafts :”) i lov you n i hope we get closer this year! even if im an awkward ass! 

❥ @choco-seventeen

chOcoOooO oh choco my juliet hskjdf hi it’s my annoying ass here to bother u again with my over-the-top affection for u!!!! you rly were one of the blogs tht made me start my own writing blog, n even when i did i nv knew i’d ever talk to u?? maybe through anon heuk but i rly thought u’d be tht holy figure up there tht i’ll never reach! i mean u are still tht holy figure but thnk u for being so friendly n nice n cute n for bcoming a friend 2 me!!! i lov u so much + okay pfft your works pffttt i wnt to frame them up in gold n hang them in my living hall wadafack bih

❥ @caratvocals

oh look another one of my inspirations whom motivated me to start out making fake texts!! kura my love hello !!! i knw we hvnt talked a lot in the recent months…? but my appreciation n love for u still ! remains ! the same !! i love your bubbly n kind personality n it’s rly similar to seokmin’s…. you’re the sun tht never goes out! thnk u for spouting random cute words bc wow thAT shiT you do makes me so soft n your texts??? my honey your texts are so legit i cackle whenever i read them !! i never know how you make them so realistic but i’d like to thank you for putting so much effort into your work ; n your scenarios omg when u released your first fic i wanted to roll in the grass n scream ! it was so good, the chan apocalypse one and the jeonghan day 27 (? i think?) one! i lov all your works basically, thnk u for being so inspiring n cute n for being yourself i lov u !!!

❥ @chillihansol

hanni hanni hanni HANNI !!! my virtual sister! the loml !!! i’ve got so many things to thank you for honestly, you’ve been tht pillar of support for me whenever my mind is just going haphazard ! n u always try to help whenever sth comes up n ure so kind abt everything i wna migrate to where u live omf // + i’ve seen u improve in your writing so much in such a short period of time i am shook tbh wht kind of black magic are u doing ?? ok but im so grateful to hv met u omg when i think abt u i honestly just…… burst into ugly tears bc wht did i ever do in my past life to deserve you ilysdm thnk u for coming into my life n staying here through all my bullsht

❥ @dumbelle

my ring ring ding a ling!!! my disney princess !!!! i love you so much do i need to say anything more!!! thnk u for always checking in on me with cute lil msgs n chatting w my boring ass ! you’re so sweet n kind n so crazy n wow i love crazy :^)) you’ve been posting such unique content on your blog…. i mean the moodboards + the speech text bubbles + the cute lil scenarios below tht?? wht the heck tht is so cute ???? the first time i saw  one of your moodboard i started chuckling 2 myself @ the dinner table n i wnted to shove the fork down my throat is2g ok ilyssm

❥ @kingyu97

feesha!! i rmb when you were still tht f anon tht i met indirectly through clar n lani, n you lil shits wouldnt tell me who u are !!! tht was a funny experience im not gna lie but tht aside, thnk u for always showing your support in my works + being my lil chat buddy!! you brighten up my days so much, sometimes u randomly pop into my inbox when im feeling under the waeather n it just… rly…. makes me smile n then sob in 54 languages bc i lov u n i hv done nothing to deserve everything u do for me n i just…. i just love u ok pls stay in my life ilyily

❥ @dreamingseventeen

yEt another one of my senpais ! my inspiration 2 write!!!! i’ve loved your works ever since i discovered cos, it’s rly one of the fics tht i rmb every detail abt bc i reread it everytime it fades from my dory memory!! i feel so honored tht i got to talk to n be friends with succch an amazing author like you, n i love how you’re just so sincere n genuine in everything tht u do! thnk u for supporting me + encouraging me when im hesitant to do stuff, im so grateful for you and i love you ! i hope you keep writing (although your cat walks all over you n your desktop kekk how cute), pls do rmb to stay healthy !!

❥ @neoyeppuda

i’d really want to make 2 separate dedis to the both of u clar n lani but this post is getting toooo long so i’ll try to be concise but at the same time (hopefully) be able to tell u 2 how much i love u!!! the both of u hv been supporting me for a while n i heard abt you guys a lot before, n when yall came into my inbox i shrieked when i found out tht it was the admins of neoyeppuda like woa i feel like a celebrity just noticed me?? the same feeling i got with choco when i interacted w her for the first time! thnk u both for being so sweet n kind n crazy with me, im so thankful tht the both of u are my friends :^) lani you’re so damn beautiful both inside out n i hope u dont forget tht, i knw things may be hard but it’ll get better - talk to me whenever alright ♡ clar you’re the adorablest fluffiest person ever ilysm thnk u for always hitting my soft spots haaaa :”))) i hope 2018 goes well for the both of u, n pls take care!

❥ @paintedshua

sophie!!! my lovely lavendar soap bar! i think you’d be able to expect wht i wna say already but thnk u for chatting with me at random times of the day / night abt random ass topics tht come off your head (or maybe mine?) ! it makes me so happy tht we’re able to talk so… calmly abt crazy topics n talk so crazily abt calm topics….. i dont think tht made sense but yes u get it hnghh thnk u for building this friendship with me! one tht i treasure with all my heart n soul!!! i hope you continue having happiness n bliss in your life bc u obviously deserve all the good u can get

❥ @soongyuz

priya!!!! wow i can write a freaking 87439-word essay for u bc i think?? tht you’ve been my longest (i dont think tht this is the correct term but) mutual? you’ve been here as heart anon, and let me tell you!!! those days!!! i wasn’t in the best emotional condition (?? ok this doesnt sound right too buT lets move on) then n your heart anon asks were so cute n so innocent n just so!! full of marshmallows n rainbow sprinkles !!! n then a priya emerged from tht n im so damn grateful tht you’ve been with me for so long, thnk u for absolutely everything tht you’ve done for me, i love u so much ♡ i hope you arent too stressed abt school + i hope ure taking care of yourself!

[janethepegasus]

BMC Miraculous Ladybug AU RP Thing: I Am Alexander

An RP me and @pika-ace did relating to the BMC Miraculous Ladybug AU, to give you all some context before this happens, basically Lin had this nightmare where this voice tells him that people only see him as just “the guy that played Hamilton”, and it repeats itself for a couple of nights. Until Lin starts to doubt his own identity, believing that people will love him as Alexander and not Lin. Cue the Akuma flying in and he becomes an Akuma version of Alexander Hamilton.

(While walking home from school, Michael noticed someone walking down the sidewalk from across the street, he couldn't really believe it but it looked like Lin in his Alexander Hamilton costume.)

Michael: Linny...?

(Alex slightly looks at Michael but doesn’t say anything and just keeps walking)

Michael: Wha-Hey!

(Michael tries to catch up with Alex, eventually, Michael crossed the street so he can get in front of Alex)

Michael: Lin, what’s up with you, why are you dressed like that?

Alex: ...Who's...Lin...? I'm not Lin...I'm Alexander Hamilton.

(Michael’s eyes widen as the pieces come together) Michael: Oh shit...!

Alex: So please, young man, call me Alex. The man you're seeking doesn't exist anymore...

(Michael stares at Alex before booking it, heading straight for home; he just about bursts into Eric and Jordan’s apartment and Jeremy’s already there)

Michael: YO, WE GOT A PROBLEM!!

Jordan: Whoa, son! Where’s the fire?

Michael: It's Lin!! He turned into an Akuma!!

Everyone: WHAT?!

Michael: Yeah! He was wearing the same costume for Alex and he said stuff like "I'm Alexander Hamilton, Lin doesn't exist" and stuff like that!

Eric: What? That...that actually sounds familiar...

Jeremy: Really?

Eric: Remember? Lin’s friend had the same issue, with thinking he was a character he played...what was his name again...?

(They thought for a moment, and then it hit them) Jeremy: Ooooh! Evan Duo!

Michael: Yeah! Ben Platt got akumatized! Jordan: Damn, was it that long ago? Boy do I feel old...

Jeremy: Yeah it was!

Michael: Yeah...But maybe we should go stop him now??

Jeremy: Oh, yeah!

(They transform and head out; Meanwhile, in another part of the city Ben Platt somehow hears about the new akuma)

(When he hears what the Akuma looks like, his eyes widen in shock)

Ben: Lin?!

Ben: Oh god...not him too...! (Ben thinks back to how he got Akumaized, he got so sick and tired of people seeing him as Evan that an Akuma corrupted him and turned into a mix between himself and

Evan. And he fears something similar happened to Lin that made him this way.)

Ben: I gotta help him...!

(He heads out)

(Meanwhile, the main four manage to find Alex)

(Alex looks at the Main Four)

Alex: What do you want?

Cyber: We’re here to turn you back to normal, Lin! (Alex tenses up)

Alex: Lin doesn't exist anymore

Hound: Yes he does! I know he does!! He’s in there somewhere, I just know it!!

Alex: Well then you're wrong

Alex: Lin no longer exists, cause no one even acknowledge his own existence. I’m the man that these people remember of him, not the man himself.

Timber: Speedy, that ain't true!!

Alex: Don't lie to me!! Everything i do in the creative field, they always see me instead of him. They don't see a passionate writer and artist doing whatever he can

to bring something to the world, they only see just "the guy who played Hamilton". And that's all they see. So...i gave in. I became the man that they always see me,

this is the real me now...Lin is nothing more than a shadow no one even mentioned or looked at...

Cyber: Oh Lin...

Hound: Lin, we love you as YOU. As LIN!! No one else!

Alex: No!! Lin was never loved outside from his family, none of his "fans" saw him that way, they all saw him as me! And ONLY me!! You're just saying that because i

mentioned his name! I'm Alex now! And you're NOT gonna bring me back to that hideous, un-loved, shell of who i once was!!! *he pulls out a gun and points it at the

main four*

Leo: HOLY-

(Alex fires his gun at the main four)

(Timber and Cyber shove Leo and Hound to the ground, so the bullet ends up aiming for Cyber) Timber: WILL!! *jumps towards him*

(Timber shields Cyber and the bullet hits Timber's shoulder)

Cyber: JORDAN!!! Leo and Hound: DAD!!!

Alex: Down you over-sized MUTT! *he shoots his gun again, the bullet hitting Timber's other shoulder*

(Timber screams but keeps sheilding Cyber) Leo: STOP IT!!

Alex: I'll stop it until you four accept that Lin is gone and Alexander Hamilton is here to stay!! >:(

(Just then someone throws something, knocking Alex's gun away) ???: That's enough, Lin!! (Everyone turns to see Ben)

Leo: Ben?!

Ben: Lin? Remember me?

Alex: *glares* Don't call me Lin, i'm Alex.

Alex: You of all people should understand.

Alex: Alexander Hamilton is who i am now, Lin is gone, since no one even cares about him...

Alex: Don't you remember Ben? When everyone only saw you as Evan Hansen? Ben: Of course I do...that...was a dark time for me.

Ben: It's true that people saw me as just Evan Hansen...and i just got so fed up that...if i was both myself and Evan...things would get better...but it didn't...it

really didn't...

(Ben moves closer and takes Alex's hand, lowering the pistol) Ben: You helped me through that. Even after you de-akumatized me, you stayed by my side and helped me realize that I was me, no matter what anyone said. And I'm not

letting you go down that same path

(Alex stares at Ben and starts to shake, but he shakes his head, as if he's denying himself)

Ben: C'mon, this isn't you. You're not a founding father who made mistakes in the past, you're an artist. You're a genius. You're one of the most talented composers

and songwriters out there who can take a simple concept and make gold out of it. And you're one of my closest friends. Please, come back...don't let this darkness beat

you

(Alex stares at Ben, shaking and trying to deny himself) (In his mind, Lin sat in front of a mirror, his reflection being Alexander Hamilton. Lin was curled up, tears falling down his face. But then, Lin perks up, hearing

Ben’s words echo through his mind.)

Lin: Ben...

(He looks at his false reflection for a few seconds and then he looks at himself. With Ben’s words echoing in his mind, slowly, confidence in himself, his own

identity, comes back to him.) (Then, Lin slowly gets up, glaring at the mirror with the reflection of Alexander)

Lin: I'm...I'm not Alex...I'm me...I'm...I'm Lin...! I'm LIN MANUEL MIRANDA!!

(With all of his strength, he punches the mirror as hard as he can, shattering the glass into a million pieces)

(Back in the real world, Alex's eyes seem to go blank and he slumps against Ben)

Ben: Lin...!

(The black bird slowly emerges from Lin)

(The darkness slowly melts away as the akuma slowly emerges out of Lin's body)

(Eventually he's back to normal) Ben: Lin?

(Lin stirs and looks at Ben)

Lin: Ugh...Ben...what...what happened...?

Ben: You...You turned...into an akuma...

Lin: Wha...oh god...did I- Cyber: JORDAN!!! (They turn to see Cyber holding Timber, blood pooling under Timber from his two gunshot wounds)

Lin: Oh god, Tank...!!

(Cyber takes off Timber’s Miraculous making him change back back and holds his face that’s rapidly turning pale) Cyber: Jordan...honey, c’mon, stay with me! Stay with me!

Jordan: W...Will...

(Cyber tears up and starts to panic until Leo tugs his sleeve) Leo: C’mon Dad, hospital! Let’s go!

Cyber: A-Alright...!

(They rush Timber to the hospital, but after he’s taken back, they’re informed that Jordan will have to stay over night due to having two bullets in him, so everyone

heads home)

(As Lin and Ben go home, Ben told Lin everything that happened to him, this causes Lin to feel guilty for giving himself in like that.)

Lin: I can’t believe myself...and I let it get so far and now Tank...

(Lin starts to tear up, guilt taking over him)

(Ben hugs him) Ben: It’s over now...trust me, it’ll get better, I know that

Lin: You...think so...?

Ben: Yeah...you beat that akuma. Ben: And I’m sure your friend will forgive you

(Lin tears up and hugs Ben back, hugging him tightly)

(The next day, Eric goes to see Jordan at the hospital) Eric: Hey

Jordan: Hey...

Eric: *sits next to him* How are you doing?

Jordan: I’ve been better, but the doc said once I get my strength back I should be able to go on as normal...you know, aside from that thing where I ache when it

rains, heh

Eric: Yeah...

Eric: *squeezes his hand* God you’ve been in here way too much...

Jordan: I know, but it's a risk we have to take if we're Miraculous Holders...

Eric: I know...that doesn’t mean I can’t hate it...

Jordan: Yeah...every time i'm in here, you get real worried about me...i wouldn't blame ya for feeling that way...

Eric: I know...it’s just...I guess ever since I realized I love you romantically...losing you feels even more terrifying... *strokes his hair* I can’t lose you...I

can’t... *tears up*

Jordan: Peach...

(Jordan reaches up and touches Eric’s cheek and he guides his head down so their foreheads touch) Jordan: I can never stand it when you cry...you won’t lose me, I promise...

Eric: Please don't...i...i love you...so much...i-i don't know...where i'll be...without you...

Eric: I...I don’t think I’ll ever be able to go on... Jordan: Hey c’mon don’t think like that...I won’t leave you and you won’t leave me okay? We’re gonna go out together, no matter what, get me?

(Eric slowly nods)

(They kiss briefly) Jordan: Change of subject...how are the boys? Eric: Didn’t want to go to school today, but they should come after

Jordan: Okay...and...what about...Speedy? Is he okay...?

Eric: I haven’t seen him...he left with Ben... (There’s a knock and they look up to see Lin)

Lin: Hey Tank...

Jordan: Speedy...! :D

(Lin walks towards Jordan's bed)

Lin: Are...are you okay...?

Jordan: Yeah...i'll be okay...

Jordan: I mean, I’ve definitely had worse... (Lin nods and squeezes Jordan’s other hand, tears spilling over)

Jordan: *looks at Lin* Speedy...?

Lin: *sobs* I’m sorry...I’m so sorry Tank, I...god I’m so sorry...

Jordan: Speedy...

Jordan: I don’t blame ya...

Jordan: You had that Akuma inside of ya...i know you didn't do it on purpose...

Lin: But...I still hurt you... Jordan: And I know you didn’t mean it...

Jordan: You would never hurt any of us...i love us so much...just the thought of one or any of us getting hurt from you...would tear your heart apart...

(Lin smiles through his tears and carefully hugs Jordan)

(Jordan smiles and kisses Lin's forehead)

[damn-daemon]

Healing and Heartache (Part 3) - Nick Jakoby x Female Reader

See Part 1 here See Part 2 here

A/N: Ohhhhhhhh my gosh, you guys. I am actually super nervous about how this one gets received. I’m not really sure how far into the ‘reader’ background you’re supposed to go, and the writer in me just kinda got really carried away. But personally, I love it and I hope you will too.

Warnings - no smut, language, angst, overuse of sake

Sometimes, happiness is not so hard to believe in.

You lose all track of time in that little restaurant. Admittedly, you had not planned on spending that much time with Nick. With the next day off, you had hoped to find a comfortable position in your bed before the real soreness kicked in, but once Nick got comfortable, you realize his is pretty great company. He can purposely be charming and funny, and damn it’s been a while since you’ve had a good laugh.

“Wait, wait,” you say, hand held up, noddles dangling dangerously between you and the bowl. “You seriously garden?”

Nick nods, mouth full. He offhandedly mentioned earlier how much easier it was eating this way. You thought he meant without the tusks, but he might have meant the chopsticks too. He wielded those things like a pro.

“Compost too.”

“Now you’re shitting me,” you say, feeling your eyebrows comically rise to your hairline. He chuckled deeply, like the sound was emanating from his chest. It was a nice sound.

“I shit you not,” he replied with a grin, clearly enjoying your reaction. “Actually, there’s no shit at all. It’s mostly weeds and bad vegetables from my garden.”

For some reason, that line really gets you. It’s just the right amount of nonchalant to make you lose it. You drop your noodles back in their bowl and have to cover your mouth a moment until the laughter subsides. 

Nick thinks your laughter sounds wonderful. The fact that it’s directed at what he’s said rather than at him or what’s been done to him makes it all the more beautiful. He had almost started to dislike laughter before you. Now he’s starting to remember that there’s something beyond the petty hate. 

“You might be one of the strangest orcs I’ve ever met,” you admit, playing with the remaining food. “But, hey, credit where credit is due. I don’t garden. Can’t keep anything alive to save my life.”

Nick leans in, as if he doesn’t want anyone else to hear, and for a moment you marvel at the different patterns on his skin. You hadn’t thought orcs were capable of indicating anything with their skin color, but you could swear Nick looks slightly flushed. You eyeball the empty glasses at the table. There were a lot more than you remember drinking. 

“I hate to tell you this, (Y/N),” he whispers, “but you work in a hospital.”

“Well, if a cucumber comes in with pulmonary edema, they better not give him to me.”

And there you go again, laughing. There are tears in your eyes. It really brings out the color in them, and Nick decides that he likes them. They’re so expressive. Not like his. Orc eyes have evolved for a predatory nature. They didn’t crinkle when he laughed or have this strange ability to twinkle when something was on his mind. Other races thought human eyes weren’t much to marvel at. Nick though they were wrong.

“Ow,” you mumble as your back spasms against so much effort. Your body would be a killjoy.

“Are you okay?” Nick asks, voice all concern. That was more than what you got at the hospital. It was mostly ‘what were you thinings’ and ‘are you crazys’ there.

“Yeah. No. I will be,” you manage to say, stretching your back ever so slightly. “In case you didn’t notice, your race is incredibly strong, and apparently they don’t take well to waking up with strangers on top of them.”

Nick’s ears twitch. “Uh...look, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to say to that.”

You smile. “Not what you think, I promise. This orc came in, not breathing, no pulse, nothing. I did the first thing that came to mind. Hopped right on the gurney and stared administering CPR. Turns out, last time he was conscious, someone was trying to kill him. So, when he sees me applying very uncomfortable pressure to his chest, he’s got no problem forcefully relocating me to the parking lot.”

Taking advantage of the brief silence, you shove more ramen in your mouth, not caring in the slightest that you look like a glutton, mostly because you are one. “Guess I should be grateful he didn’t punch me. I’ve had more black eyes than I can handle. You’re actually getting to see me in relatively good condition.”

You’ve almost finished your bowl when it occurs to you that Nick has been silent the entire time. Slowly, you glance up, and your gaze meets a stare of utter disbelief.

“What?”

“You did all that...for an orc.”

Nick had been enjoying your company, honestly it was probably one of the best experiences he’d had in some time, but he’d be lying if he said he had no doubts about you. There was always a voice in the back of his mind, whispering things. People are only nice because they want something, this is all going to end in a prank, something like that. It was his defense mechanism, that paranoid part of his mind protecting him when everything inevitably went wrong. It can’t hurt as much when he sees it coming.

But right now, that voice has gone completely silent.

“Of course I did,” you say, almost offended by the notion of the answer being anything else. “The people who come through those hospital doors, they aren’t human or orc or dwarf. They are my patients, and I will never do anything short of my damnedest to make sure they get cared for, that they don’t die without every possible avenue being exhausted to save them.”

And just like that, Nick has irrevocably placed all his trust in you. It won’t occur to him until later that night, when he can’t sleep because all this thoughts revolve around this conversation, but in your hands, right now, is more than he has given anyone in a long time. 

You take a breath as Nick remains quiet. You’ve done it again; you’ve gone too far.

You tuck a loose strand of hair behind your ear. “I, uh, I don’t mean to sound so...extreme. It’s sort of an automatic reaction these days. The number of times I’ve had to explain myself to people over giving a damn about someone who isn’t human is...infuriating really. So, I’m sorry if-”

Nick places his hand on yours across the table. You’re not sure if it’s the touch or that determined spark in his eyes that cuts you off.

“Never apologize for doing what you do,” he says in a stern voice that sounds so unlike him. “Do you have any idea how many humans I know who would defend others races like that, without a moment’s hesitation? I can count them on one hand, and that includes the orcs, dwarves, elves, what have you who would do the same. You have what the world needs to become a better place. Don’t be sorry for that.”

You turn your hand over in his.

“You have it too, you know.”

Nick shakes his head. “I don’t know about that.”

He tries to pull his hand back, but you hold it in place, insisting he meet your gaze again. That determination is gone, you see, because when the subject is about him, there’s always so much doubt. No one has ever given him reason to be confident about himself. Old men in suits would argue he was hired for diversity, not for skill, not for competence even. To them, he was a poster boy for a liberal agenda, not an orc who just wanted to do what he believed was right, despite all the odds. 

It was so wrong.

You squeeze his hand. “I do.”

You don’t know it yet, but something has transpired between the two of you, a deeper connection that at some point in your life you had given up on ever knowing.

Some time later, the waitress has placed the bill on the table, a not so subtle hint to hurry up and get out of the restaurant. You snatch the paper away before Nick can get his hand on it, and smile at the slightly annoyed look on his face.

Your eyebrows raise slightly. “How much sake did you drink?”

Nick looks at the table. Most of the glasses had been cleared. He hadn’t meant to drink much, but when you first arrived, his nerves would not calm. It wasn’t until the conversation had really taken off that he had been able to sit back and enjoy himself. However, the sake still flowed and he still drank it. It didn’t seem so bad.

“I didn’t drink that much.”

You bite your lip, reexamining the placement of the decimal point. “Yeah, okay, you stay there, maybe drink a little water, and I’ll go pay the bill.”

But Nick is not about to have that as he moves to stand. “Hey now, I’m an orc, remember? We can handle our alcohol better than hu-”

And there it is. The look. You knew it very well from your college days, that wide-eyed, sudden realization that you clearly should have stopped drinking at least five drinks ago. Sake wasn’t known for being strong, but this sake was, which was why you ate here as much as you did.

Of course, Nick hadn’t known that.

You stand and put a hand on his shoulder as he sways slightly, barely choking out “-mans.”

“Okay, big stuff, sit back down,” you say, pushing lightly on his chest. He practically collapses in the booth. “I’ll come back for you when I’m done.”

One payment (and mental negotiation that you won’t go to the mall this month) later, you and Nick are standing on the sidewalk, squinting at the last light of the day. You herd him slowly to your truck, opening the door for him like the chivalrous woman you are.

Unlike most under the influence guys (and girls) you have dealt with, Nick clearly understands that he is in no position to find his vehicle and drive it home for the evening. That’s a breath of fresh air you hadn’t realized you needed.

You hop in the driver’s seat, fumbling with the keys slightly. “Alright, so where do you-”

As soon as the engine turns, orcish music blasts over your speakers.

You hit the power on your radio so fast, you think that maybe Nick didn’t catch it. But you refuse to look over to check.

The brief silence feels like an eternity to you.

“...you listen to orcish music?”

“Well, no, I-”

“I’ve never met a human who liked it. Well, besides the ones who like to hang with the Fogteeth at their clubs.” You glance over at Nick, and he manages to look a little sheepish. “Not that you seem the type.”

You roll your eyes, pulling out onto the street. Nick lamely mumbles his address. The cab is silent. 

Guilt starts to eat away at you. He hadn’t meant any harm, and honestly, you can’t blame him for asking.

“It’s...it’s not that I listen to it often, and certainly not them,” you say eventually, referring to the particular band on the radio. “They’re tryhards who think if they say fuck the police every other line, they’ll become some kind of lyrical legends.”

There’s a beat.

You blink and sigh. And there you went and did it. The whole point was to make it look like you didn’t have some strange fascination with orcs. Good going.

There was just something about Nick that made you want to just spill your guts every five minutes.

You aren’t sure if you love or hate that.

Nick leans back in his seat, looking at you and feeling remarkably sober all of a sudden. “Do...do you speak orcish?”

He watches you glance between him and the road multiple times, fighting some mental battle over what to say.

“A little...a lot,” you admit, shrugging. “Look, part of the reason Cedars-Sinai accepted me is because they needed someone fluent in orcish to help them with patient care.”

Nick blinks slowly. “That’s not something they teach in school.”

Not in high school certainly. None of the teens had ever wanted to speak his language. Everyone wanted to learn elvish. In certain colleges, there were courses, but a medical student was hardly the type to add that to their already busy schedule. It was a language that was difficult to learn as it was, and usually hard to pronounce for anyone who wasn’t an orc.

“I didn’t learn it in school,” you say, sighing. “It’s not that I’m...ashamed or anything. It’s just that when people find out, it brings up more questions than I’m willing to answer is all.”

He gets it. Oh, does he get it. Questions were all he got for months as he was trying to become a cop, questions about every aspect of his life that certainly weren’t part of the normal requirements. He liked getting to know people, not being interrogated about what he thought about a particular event and if it made him angry, or why he liked this band and did he know they said terrible things against cops. Of course he knew. He hated that song. It was never ending. 

“I won’t ask,” Nick says earnestly. “But, if you ever want to tell me, I’ll listen. People tell me I’m good for that, at least.”

There’s something in the tone of his voice that depresses you, and you can’t help but feel like you owe him the story as your chest starts to tug again. What he said to you back in the restaurant was probably the greatest thing anyone has told you since...well, long before you came to Los Angeles. 

“My dad was a farmer,” you start, choosing to focus solely on the road. “He hired only orcs as farmhands. I always assumed it was because they were stronger, made for a faster workday, stuff like that. I, uh...I must have spent hours out there with them, each and every day. Sunrise to sunset, I’d be throwing tiny bales of hay right alongside them. They taught me the language, that way I could listen in as Tommy complained about his wife nagging at him or Walter talked about how he was going to retire in one more week. He never did.”

Nick’s eyes widen slowly as he listens to you confess your childhood to him. He can hear it in your voice, can see it in the way your lower lip quivers ever so slightly. This is something deeply personal, something few people ever got to hear. 

And you were telling it to him.

He gulps, the nerves suddenly returning.

Your eyes take on a different look, he sees. The distant, glazed look of a woman caught in a memory.

“One day these punks from town came over. They were the kind of people who were never going anywhere in their lives, you could tell from one look. They started messing with the farmhands, going on about how useless and ugly they were, how they’re taking jobs from good, hardworking humans. But, of course, they don’t fight back. An orc attacks a human, he’s bound to be run out of town like he’s some feral dog.

“And that’s when my dad comes into the field. He was never the most emotional of men. He’d respond to I love you with a grunt. But he steps right in front of those orcs, his guys, and points a shotgun at those boys. And he tells them ‘these are some of the hardest working men I have ever had the privilege of meeting. I can walk away from them and trust that everything will be okay. I can leave my daughter with them and know that she is safe. I can’t do that with the likes of you.’“

Now you’re crying again. You miss your dad so much. He had the emotional range of an old school cowboy, but he never tried to crush your dreams, and he never spoke poorly of anyone who did not deserve it.

“When he died, five orc clans came to his funeral. Five.” You shake your head. “I’ve never seen the likes of it before.”

And then after, your mom fired all the orcs and hired those same punks who dared think they were better, but you don’t mention that to Nick.

The truck falls silent as Nick absorbs everything you said to him. Your father reminded him very much of his, a hardworking, stand up guy who was both respected and hated. It seems they both had died before their time. 

He wants to do nothing more than reach for your hand and hold it, to show you he’s here and he cares that you told him, that you opened yourself up to him and bore a part of your soul that you clearly keep so close.

Instead, he just mumbles, “Thank you.”

You finally pull up to his house. It’s small and has only one level, but it’s far better than your cramped apartment. He’s got a yard, a small porch, and...

“Well, there it is,” you say with a small smile. “Your garden.”

There’s something about the look in your eyes, the curve on your lips as you stare almost lovingly at the garden on the side of his house that prompts Nick to say it. Either that or it’s the sake.

“Do you want to do this again some time?” he blurts, slightly unnerved by the sudden confusion on your face. “I mean, maybe not me drinking so much that you need to drive me home, but everything else that is.”

He just wants you to say yes, because suddenly he’s so afraid he won’t see you again after today.

“You mean, like a date?”

Oh.

Oh that was what he asked for, wasn’t it?

A date.

Oh.

OH.

He rubs the back of his head. “I mean, it doesn’t have to be that. You and I can just hang out together, somewhere, doing...something.”

Smooth.

You lean in, grinning. “Like a date?”

Nick blinks. “If you want to call it that. Are we calling it that?”

And you laugh, but Nick can tell it’s not at him, not really. There’s a warmth to it, like happiness is bursting out of you and this is the only way you can express it. He finds it calming. 

In perfect orcish, you reply, “It’s a date, then.”

Okay, guys, I’m crying. Please be kind. 

Tags! @xxdarkdarlingxx @homra-the-red-clan @frankie2902 @littlemessyjessi @ivannesque @isisnicole @notaliteraltoad @cheshagirl @annwoods91 @ever-hungry-aria @robotic-loser 

Did I miss you? Do you want to be added? Do you hate my guts? Let me know!

[buckys-other-punk]

Champagne Problems (Jealous Part 4)

Bucky x Reader, (slight) Steve x Reader

Warnings: Jealousy, like one cuss word? and fluff (if you squint) 

Word Count: 1694 (w/o lyrics)

Song inspiration: “Champagne Problems” Nick Jonas (again w/ the Nick Jonas song)

A/N: Finally part 4! Sorry for the long wait guys and thank you for your patience. I hope its good guys, I’ve had major writers block the past weeks. This is a bit longer to (hopefully) satisfy the wait. Like always please don’t mind my mistakes guys. If you wanna be tagged just let me know!

@caplansteverogers @hollycornish @carabarnes13 @ohmyjack @sebtheromanianprince @flirtswithdanger @aquabrie @amour-quinn @incoherent-smiles-deactivated @rocketqueeens @anbrax5553 @lloeppky @shayla-markele @pdy93 @sarahp879

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

*Flashback to 5 Years Ago*

How many times have we been here before?

How many pieces have to break?

So many reasons not to celebrate

But I hate to see you cry so let’s drink before goodbye

Bucky had always loved to go out to bars and clubs with his friends. As Sam, Steve and Bucky walked to The Raven’s Eye Bucky and Sam were going to be Steve’s wingmen for the night. Same was always flirting with women, but is looking for a strong relationship with a girl. Bucky had a girl he was “dating” well let’s just say they didn’t really talk much (a/n: if you know what I mean… if not I mean sex lol ok, back to the story). Steve had been all gloomy since Sharon left him for some dude named Jack Porter (*cough cough* Revenge reference I didn’t watch the show, but did some research. again i’m sorry for interrupting so ima shut up now). As the boys walked through the bar doors they found  empty seats near the center. “Sooo, we gonna look for some lucky girl for Stevie here, Bucky?” Sam said with a coy smile.“ I don’t know man.” Steve said somber. Sam and Bucky looked at each other then back to their friend.

I got a bottle I’ve been saving up

Thought that we’d drink it all night, hey

We were the opposite of breaking up

Can’t believe I’m losing you

We just opened up too soon

“Steve you gotta forget about her man. She was just using you, Steve.” Bucky said. Steve sighed looking back at his two friends as they both smiled at him. “Fine.” Steve said in defeat. “What club are we going to?” Sam smiled and got up as the other two followed in his footsteps. They arrived at The Den and walked past the line forming to enter the club. Steve and Bucky were a bit worried of passing the patient people waiting to get in. Sam walked up to the bodyguard in front of the entrance showing off who he was and that he’s “on the list.” The bodyguard looked at the three questionably them back at the list and nodded for them to go in. As they entered the club multiple people were dancing and drinking. Sam looked at the two and said with a wink “Well I bid you both adieu. I’m going to look for Mrs. Wilson.” With that Sam disappeared into the crowd of dancing bodies. Steve and Bucky walked over to the bar to get drinks.

We got champagne problems

Only one way to solve ‘em

Raising our glass cause it’s our last

With these champagne problems

Just keep on, keep on drinking

Keep on, keep on drinking

Keep on, keep on…

As Bucky called over the bartender for drinks Steve looked around the club uneasily. Bucky took notice of this and tried to build up his confidence. “Ok Steve look around, any girl peaking your interest?” Bucky said happily. Steve looked around and laid his eyes on a girl with (y/h/c) hair and her back was facing the two. Bucky followed his friend’s gaze to the girl who was wearing a black tight dress with an opening on the back and lower back as well. She was talking to another girl that was with her. “I don’t think I can do this Buck.” Steve said helplessly. “No man, you got this. Just be yourself Steve, be the you that Sharon never acknowledged.” Bucky said to his friend.”Ok. I got this.” Steve said to himself and slowly walked over to the girl with confidence. He tapped her shoulder and she turn with a smile on her face. “Can I help you?” the mystery girl said. “Well your name would be nice.” Steve said confidently with a smirk. “If you buy me a drink maybe I’ll tell you, handsome.” she said with an equal amount of confidence. Steve smiled and raised his hand to get the bartender’s attention signaling him for more drinks. The night went on and the mystery girl had talk to Steve almost all night before her friend had to pull her away. Both were highly intoxicated and couldn’t even walk straight. Steve met up with Sam and they both were looking for Bucky, but he was never to be seen. They even called their other friend, but yet again nothing.

How did our clothes end up all on the floor?

Didn’t we just break each other’s hearts?

Didn’t you have one foot out of the door?

Better to fall in love than lose, wish I didn’t have to choose

Bucky had been flirting with the same mystery girl that Steve was talking to and he had completely forgot about that. They were both drunk and one thing led to another and they both ended up in the same bed. She was still asleep on his bed and Bucky was just thinking. He knew he made a mistake, he was in a relationship…if you would call it that, but this nameless girl. She was different from any girl he has ever been with. She was special, no she was exceptional and Bucky knew it. Bucky wasn’t talking about the sex, well it was better than any other time he had sex, but back to the point. She was just different and Bucky felt something with her. Not like any other girl he has ever been with. There was a unspeakable spark between them.

We got champagne problems

Only one way to solve ‘em

Raising our glass cause it’s our last

With these champagne problems

Just keep on, keep on drinking

Keep on, keep on drinking

Keep on, keep on…

As you woke up you saw the man next to you awake. You looked over at him and as he felt your gaze he looked back at you. You both smiled kindly at one another. “Last night was nice,” you said “even though I don’t really remember half of it.” you chuckled and he did too. “I wish I would have gotten to know you before we had sex.” he said truthfully. You understood what he was saying and nodded in agreement. “Give me your phone.” you said. He looked at you questionably, but followed your orders and gave you his phone. You typed your name and number for him. He looked at the new contact with the name (Y/N)🍕. “What’s with the pizza emoji?” he asked you as you were gathering your clothes off the ground. “I like pizza.” you said smiling. “Maybe one day you could get me some.” you added with a wink. He smiled and got his boxers off the ground and helped you get your belongings. “What a gentleman.” you said laughing a bit. Right when you were about to leave you said “Wait, I honestly don’t remember your name.” He smiled and said “I’m James, but my friends call me Bucky.” You smiled and said “Bucky that is an interesting name. Well Bucky, I hope you call and I am sorry for leaving so quickly, but my friend is blowing up my phone.” you laughed and so did Bucky. He smiled and kissed your cheek as you left his room. “(Y/N)” Bucky said to himself. “Bucky” you said in your head as you left the building.

We got champagne problems

Oh my God, yeah, the room is spinning from the Perignon (don’t drop that alcohol)

And you’re still with me but you’re very gone

It feels so right but we both know it’s wrong

When you got, when you got, when you got…

Steve couldn’t remember the girl from two weeks ago. He was too drunk to remember. As he got dressed to start training he saw a woman sparing with Nat and as slowly turn Steve realized who the girl was. It was the mystery girl from that night. The girl that never told him her name. She moved gracefully on the mat dodging all of Nat’s punches. Clint and Sam were watching the two women fight. Steve strolled in and walk standing next to the other two men. With a swift movement the mystery girl pinned Nat down and was on top of her. Nat patted the mat signaling that she gave up. The mystery girl smiled and began to stand up. Putting her hand out to help Nat get up as well. Tony then came into the training area and began clapping. “That was awesome!” he said happily. “Nobody and I mean nobody can pin down Nat. What’s your name kid?” Tony asked the mystery girl. “It’s (Y/N) Mr. Stark.” she replied. “Well (Y/N) how would you like to be part of the team? I’ve read over your file and its really impressive. You’ve worked for the FBI for 2 years and then for the CIA for 4 years after that.” Tony added. “Damn girl!” Sam said in amazement. (Y/N) just chuckled a bit and said with a smile “I would be honored to join the team Mr. Stark.” 

We got champagne problems

Only one way to solve 'em

Raising our glass cause it’s our last

With these champagne problems

Just keep on, keep on drinking

As (Y/N) began to exit the training area Steve had followed and stopped her. “(Y/N)?” She turned around “Yeah?” “I don’t know if you remember me from the club a couple weeks ago, but I would like to properly introduce myself. I’m Steve Rogers.” he said with a smile. (Y/N) smiled back, “Nice to meet you again Steve. I’m (Y/N) as you already know and I’m going to be working with you soon.” Steve smiled and said “I am thrilled to see your skills in action.” You looked at him with your eyebrows scrunched. “I-I didn’t mean like that. I meant your combat skills.” Steve chuckled nervously. You laughed “It’s ok Steve. I understood what you said.” Nat walked past the two and signaled (Y/N) to follow her. (Y/N) nodded and said o Steve “Well I’ have to go now. I’ll see you later, handsome.” She winked at Steve and began to follow Natasha. Steve stood there in awe watching the girl walk away from him. He smiled and walked back to the training area to work out.

Champagne problems

Only one way to solve 'em

Raising our glass cause it’s our last

With these champagne problems

Just keep on, keep on drinking

Keep on, keep on drinking

Keep on, keep on…

Bucky texted (Y/N) asking her if she wanted to go out for lunch. Bucky had just came back from a mission with Wanda and Vision. He had been thinking about (Y/N) throughout the whole mission. He picked the perfect place to go Bleecker Street Pizza. Bucky told her to dress in a casual apparel and said he was going to treat her to her favorite food. Bucky told Steve about his date with a girl he hooked up with before his mission. He told his friend to keep watch on the door as he was getting ready. Steve was sitting on the couch and he heard the doorbell ring. He began to stand up from his spot and walked to the door opening it. As he began to welcome Bucky’s date he looked up to the girl in awe. There stood the girl he flirted with at the nightclub. The girl that had recently joined a part of his team. The girl that he wanted to go on a date with. (Y/N).

We got champagne problems… ooh

I hope you guys liked this! Kinda a filler, but its backstory of how the reader met the boys. Let me know what you guys think! Feedback is very much appreciated! Also part 5 for sure will happen. I got my writing mojo back so stay tuned for the next part. It is currently a quarter till midnight so ima crash now.

[christimesteele]

Transcript - Time Talks Ep 40 - Melancholy Joy Mixtape ft. carla joy bergman

Transcripts for Time Talks Ep 40 - Melancholy Joy Mixtape w ...

SUMMARY KEYWORDS

song, melancholy, music, joy, talking, people, melancholic, love, feel, listening, thought, big, play, life, hear, playlist, sad, carla, called, sole

SPEAKERS

Tracy Chapman, Pet Shop Boys, Holy Cole, Sade, Burial, Final Straw Podcast, Bobs Your Uncle, Sole, Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush, SBTRKT (feat. Sampha), Chris, carla, Andre 3000 - Me&My, Time  me, Jason/Maudlin Magpie & produced by A Thousand Vows, chris, Juice WRLD, Nat King Cole., Organized Konfusion

 chris time steele 00:04

Welcome to Episode 40 of the time talks podcast part of the channel zero network. This episode I'm joined by another channel zero network member. My wonderful friend carla bergman. carla is co-author of Joyful Militancy with Nick Montgomery. carla edited the book Radiant Voices and put together the Emma Talks series, and collaborated on the work Pandemic Solidarity. Along with being an author carla is a filmography checkout joyful threads productions. On top of that, check out the podcast carla collaborates on. There's the Silver Threads podcast and the Grounded Futures podcast. These links are in the show notes. For this episode, we had a conversation and put together a playlist on the topic of melancholy joy, sharing some of our stories and the ways we use music to navigate life and living. Thank you to Awareness for the music and here's a brief jingle from a fellow channeled zero network member.

 Final Straw Podcast  00:59

The final straw is a weekly anarchist radio show. It's fucking awesome and you're never gonna hear me say fucking awesome on our show. Because we're FCC regulated, there's a black part of my heart that that just flutters when you when you talk like that. Talk, then more yelling. it's a weird sort of like nice thing in a way but also can get kind of crushing at times the finalstrawradio.noblogs.org

 chris  01:32

I just wanted to begin and say that you're a wonderful writer, poet, curator, conductor, filmographer, author, revolutionary, Joyarchist, artist, kinetic thinker and so much more and just wanted to thank you for doing this Melancholy Joy Mixtape. I was wondering if you could kind of open with what you kind of frame what melancholy joy is? Because when you first mentioned it to me, just the phrase put together a lot of things that in a way that I like sad music and how sad music brought me relief, and how I've been attracted to two minor notes and all that and just the vibe so I really meant a lot to me when you mentioned it to me.

 carla joy bergman  02:14

That's really nice. It's an honor  to be here. Thank you. And I would repeat all that back to you, that you are too - kinetic thinker and Joyarchist, and all that.. thank you means a lot. I'm a bit nervecited as the My Little Pony say, Just give me a second. Yeah, if it's okay if I can give a little bit of a historical story around it because it like everything with me and always has this like, aha moment. So similar. I've always been attracted to sad music. And it was actually we have a radio station in Canada, that's, I guess, a public radio called CBC and did really good shows on it. And there was an episode on this idea of melancholy music, and so I was what's that? And of course, they talked about Joni Mitchell a lot, a Canadian sweetheart. And I was like, yeah, that's real. And they had said the person I can't even remember who was on probably a musician in Canada, but they said, you know, melancholy just means a thoughtful sadness. And I was like, Oh, yeah, that's what I am. I'm like, thoughtfully sad. But as time went on, I went through just stuff that was happening on the global like, collective grief 911 happened, some other stuff, some personal stuff. I really noticed that through all my sad periods of time, I always had a belly full of joy. Best way to describe it, I just, Joy's just really, really big in me. So I thought about a decade later, I I think I tried to create a handle on Twitter, melancholy joy, but I had done a few forums, online forums... And a part of it was because, I had a bit of a judgment that if you weren't melancholic, you weren't paying attention to the world, and but that you could still have a thriving life. So it has a kind of a political resonance to it like it will not even it went beyond music. The story moves into militant joy,�� because militant, to me is more has more power, I guess, or more collective power. It's more active than melancholy. But the pandemic hit again, or hit and melancholy really resurfaced in my life. Collectively, I could feel that collective grief. And I was just really attracted again to listen to melancholy joy music and, really listening to your album that you put out this year. reignited that again in me and I think that's why I said sent it to you because I was like, Oh, this is melancholy, joy, music, then your newest one that you've put out.

 chris  04:44

Thank you so much. That's so kind. And I also see the phrase you use of melancholic hope. And that's a really powerful word too. And I think that's kind of what you find in the melancholy joy is this hope of kind of listening to sad music or music that helps you reflect and re energize yourself again, and there's a hope in melancholy, of just even being able to verbalize or feel that you're melancholic is the hope because you're able, then you're reflecting and saying, like, I'm sad, I have sadness and anger. And I'm able to work with those now, and kind of water those seeds to work through problems. And I think that's one thing that music does so well.

 carla  05:30

Yeah, I love that. Nick Montgomery, who co wrote joyful militancy started talking about Empire and joy, and our book, using music as an example. And that Empire has this really loud music that's really loud and drowns everything else out. And when I started, when you asked me to do this show, I was like, Oh, I wonder how melancholy joy music fits into disrupting that, because one of the things that I added to the conversation was that it's, the problem is listening. It's not so much that it's louder. I think that we, all the other music or other sounds are the other ways of talking with each other is there, it’s present. And there's something about that melancholic hope, like you say that it's there. Like the possibilities are there, the seeds are there, and they just need us to water them, as you so graciously said to me once, that I loved. Yeah, so yeah, I love that.

 chris  06:23

Yeah, what you say of how it's there. That's really, I feel the explanation and so hard to explain it with melancholy joy in those terms, like it's something that's there, it's something you can feel, and it's like a vibe, and joyful militancy. I really liked the quote from Glen Coulthard. When you mentioned you all had mentioned that he put his finger on something of sadness and anger and how they often stem from love. And just a little bit of this quote is: "I think that for the somber, melancholic militant, I get it, I understand it, how could you not be, and this is my point, the only way you respond to the world like that is because of some base sort of individual and collective self respect, some love for oneself and others, were the land that you are being violated in a profound way. This produces melancholy, anger, whatever, they're not separable." And I really thought that that whole quote is just powerful. And for anyone who has a book, it's on page 175. So there's no citation violations there.

 carla  07:27

Nope. You can also get the book for free online.

 chris  07:32

Yeah, I wanted to. I really thought that that quote was, he added more to this conversation too.

 carla  07:38

Thanks for finding it. I need to put his whole interview up. It's so incredible.

 chris  07:43

That'd be awesome.

 carla  07:44

Yeah, that's really good. Because we interviewed him, obviously, because he talks about resentment and anger so much. And it was, like affirmative theory. It includes anger and  rage. It's not negation, right, like, negation something else. And so I, thank you for bringing him in. Because I think that's a really important distinction about where melancholy fits into the conversation right now. I worked really hard to not be a melancholic person. So it's like dang, it's back again.

 chris  08:17

Well, yeah, I hope it's like a productive melancholy joy. I mean, that's what I wanted. That's what I really felt with this mixtape. And then it brings up deeper discussions on our end.  And, feelings and, and just other reactions that I feel are productive in thinking deeper about society. And a lot of these things are produced from such a disgusting messed up society, at least with my picks that helped me find ways to navigate through these parts of society. So before we start, I was just going to just give a little intro on why I picked these, a whole foundation of how I picked them. And I just wanted to say that I framed how I picked my choices with assuming that there's a lot of nuances and and I'm sure that's why you picked yours as well, that they have nuances that they're not just the songs but they relate to life, your life and timeline. And I picked these songs for a few reasons. For one, they may sound like they're more melancholy songs, but they bring joy and solace. They are often songs I go to when I feel no more hope or little hope, songs I go to, to recharge, to recalibrate, to keep reminding myself that I'm not going to feel this way forever. And along with these choices, when I'm stressed I often find I get attached to a song and it becomes my crutch. I don't know if you're that way. They become my friend when I'm lonely and alienated, usually from work and ironically self imposed isolation that I often do unknowingly and then realize  ...these were also songs that were some of my only friends during tough times that helped me build me back up again. Hopefully they can be tools for others and spark other discussions, another playlist like this.

 carla  10:02

Oh, that's really beautiful. Thank you. Yeah, definitely some of that. For me the friend part for sure. The helping me move through like, I think melancholy is something that is imposed on us from the conditions of the world we're living in. And I think joy maybe is something that's within us that we can... Ursula Le Guin in the dispossessed talks about it as something that you can't control at all, It just will come in and do its thing and leave. I just really love that distinction. It was the seed for me thinking about joy differently. So yeah, when I think with my playlists, there's a couple things. I physically get affected when I'm sad. So my body gets, I get sick. I can't move. So for me, music has to have an element that makes me move. And I think that joy moves - when I move it moves with me or it moves first. I don't know what you know, is what comes first. But the music definitely, because thinking about like, part of whether it's collective or individually, like we try to find some harmony, and you think about that in terms of music, right? Like, what is that about? Like, what was that? What are we looking for ourselves, when we're not doing well, when were depleted and stagnated? and sad? Yeah, so I think that, that played like a role. I also thought about my personal journey in terms of finding freedom within myself. From stagnant music, what do you call it? First Family, our family of origin stuff that I needed to get away from some of those songs are about that and becoming a parent. I have like a definitely a theme of Don't tell me what to do. And I don't want to grow up. I think all of that kind of fits in. And it's kind of covering up Mushishi

 chris  11:49

Yeah

 carla  11:49

Because it's connected. I have a question for you before we maybe share playlists but I was rewatching Mushishi, maybe you can explain what Mushishi is after people need to but just google it. It's an animation. It's beautiful. Zen Buddhist healer Guy Ginko. But one of the episodes was about I think it's like the second or third one of the first season. I'm not gonna go into details of it because it's a small part of the story but Mushi comes in... mushi are these things that are not human, they are not fauna or flora, they're in between. And it comes into when there's no sound around. It burrows into the human's ears and eats their sound. I don't know if you remember that one. But, so it made me think about like, what is my sound? because I think this is connected to what music I'm drawn to. Because maybe that counterpoint or, or where's the harmony, from my sound to the sound from music. And in the show the woman who talks about it, her sound is lava, which is really intense sound to have to live with, holy. I asked my friend in Japan if it's a Japanese thing, and she said it's not but maybe regionally. I tried to find it, but there's probably not an English translation for it. But it feels pretty human. Like, I think it's pretty pan human probably that we can think about this. So I was thinking about like, my sound feels like if I feel into it, it's like the wind is collaborative. It's like the wind off of like a soft ocean, but it it has to go up into the trees too,  like it's like this.woosh woosh. So when I thought about all the music I picked, I could hear it, I could feel it in it. So I'm curious if you've ever thought of that? Do you have a sound?

 chris  13:34

That's an awesome question. I love the wind that you're talking about. The wind. I like wind in music. Sometimes I hear that a lot like Kate Bush's music, she creates these atmospheres. And a lot of her songs are about the mountain to go on top of the mountain. I would say a sound that I really resonate with is something I resonate most with is rain. So in a lot of my lyrics I'll use different words for rain like the typewriter rain tapped on the roof or the Fred Astaire rain or something like I'm always trying to get back to rain and I find it comforting and I live in a desert in so called Denver so we don't get a lot of rain. And, I also I like water too, sounds of water I find that calming, in Mushishi really has its soundtrack is very calming to the Anime. And I think it's the episode you're talking about when the mushi is in the pillow and going into people's ears, and the mushi turns into almost like conjis and it's dancing and going into people's ears or something. That one is so powerful. And one thing I really like about Ginko is he kind of does this mutual aid where he's going around town to town just helping people in educating and he's very introverted, he's not the most outwardly kindest person but Ginko has so much love in him. He just has a different way of his love language speaking.

 carla  14:20

Yeah, everyone should watch Mushishi, or read the manga because they're equally as good if you need books.

 chris  15:08

So good. Yeah, I love it.

 carla  15:11

Yeah. And I think, yeah, we could we could do a whole show on Ginko

 chris  15:16

That would be great.

 carla  15:17

Because, ok just real quick the thing I always tell people why they should watch it is because there's no there's no judgment on the mushi or on the person who has it. The only judgment really is the people who don't help the person who's not well, that's the only time I see Ginko get upset with somebody is when they've done the wrong thing in terms of helping somebody, like they've judged them or something. And we could just all embody a bit of that we'd have a better world. You know?

 chris  15:42

Yeah, I love that. I love that interpretation.

 carla  15:45

Also, I need to say because any of my friends who are listening in family, I need to respond and say that rain is like, my favorite thing in the world. I did a whole project called rain. It stood for radical art in nature.

 chris  15:58

I love that

 carla  16:02

Yeah. rain is and I live in a rainforest. So I get a lot of rain. Yeah. So much of my son's music, Zach's music has rain in it. I am with you on that one.

 chris  16:12

That doesn't surprise me. We have so many commonalities.

 carla  16:15

I know.

 chris  16:16

So I'm gonna start with Bob's, Talk to the Birds by Bob's Your Uncle.

 carla  16:22

Okay, so this came out in 1985. I was living in so called Victoria, which is like the capital of British Columbia. And I was 18 just going on 19 and I hung out at a punk bar. With all the punk bands that played there that came through No means No, Dagloabortions, a lot of local people, but also Black Flag came through and so on and so forth. And when Bob's your Uncle came through, it was so exciting. First of all, a woman front person was really quite rare. A woman of color was even more rare in punk. And they were just they talk about joy, but it was also about feeling alienated as young people and poor people. And so it had that melancholic energy to it. And I bought their tape and I had a little yellow Walkman and I played it so much that it died. And she's at she's went on Sook Yin Lee has gone on to be she was like a vj for Much Music, which is the Canadian version of MTV which was really big back, and she was in Shortbus the movie. Now she's on CBC and does other stuff but yeah, I talked to birds I still do. I still talk to the birds.

 Bobs Your Uncle  17:35

SONG: Talk To The Birds

 chris  21:12

I love that song. When I heard this song, it really made me think just like the rebelliousness of school at first. Kind of imagine the teacher and then ditching class and then getting your real class from talking to some birds, or your real education from leaving school and going into nature. Also thought of it as an overarching ideology as well.

 carla  21:40

Oh, yeah, say more

 chris  21:42

Or just, they'll tell you, they tell you to do this, they say do this. But usually everything that they tell you to do with an ideology or hegemony is some form of coercion to get you to start renting somewhere, because you need to have all of these things, but you have to sell your time and your body for money. And people will tell you, well, if you don't have enough money, ideology, and capitalism says well get two jobs, you know, and they are always telling you something that's going to lead to more coercion instead of any form of liberation.

 carla  22:19

Yeah, they're really fun. People should look them up. They have this one song. If I knew  baking a cake or something. It's probably a cover. If I knew you were coming I’d have baked a cake. You know that song?

 chris  22:30

Oh, yeah.

 carla  22:31

 Yeah, they do it really well

 chris  22:33

Anything else you want to add on that song?

 carla  22:36

Oh, just I mean, I think like, the big thing was that they were just, it was just really great to encounter them during a time when punk was really important to me. But alongside that in a city that racism is really, really ramped. I was just everywhere, Victoria is very British. Like you cannot always tell the difference between the skinheads and the punks. So I don't know. They were just really great.

 chris  23:02

That's awesome. Thank you for showing me their music. Okay, so this song is by Organized Konfusion. Who is Prince Poetry and  Pharoahe Monch. And they're, they're an older group. And Pharoahe Monch has turned out to be one of my favorite lyricists when I got older. And Prince Poetry was amazing. And this song is probably one of my biggest go tos when just feeling down or, or depressed or existential. Yeah, that song is just really deep. And it talks about these two fetuses inside of their mother. And they're kind of just rapping about life.

 Organized Konfusion  24:07

SONG Invetro

 carla  24:33

I love that one really speaks to that power of the joy. You know? Despite everything, be curious and dream. I Love it. And it also makes me want to move, which is like my criteria for melancholy joy music.

 Chris  27:44

It's a great beat. I love it. And one of the lines that when I was re listening to this song is by Prince poetry, he says, “overshadowed in darkness where curiosity is my light.” And I just love that bar so much. And it reminded me of our conversation. But like the deeper, like a deeper meaning to this song is I don't know, it just makes me think about mortality a lot. And when my mom was pregnant with me, she smoked. And the whole time I resonated with what Pharoahe Monch was talking about. And he was born with asthma, actually. And I think he struggles with that during shows but is an amazing performer. And then another thing is when my mom I think was about eight, nine months pregnant, she fell down the stairs. And she landed on her stomach. And she was bleeding profusely and she was crying. She's freaking out. She went to the hospital. And the doctor told her that her baby was dead, which was me. And she needed to have it removed. And she was just in shock. So she left the hospital and was like, oh, I'll deal with this tomorrow. And then when she went back to her own doctor, they were like, No, your baby's alive has a heartbeat. So it must have been knocked out or something. I don't know.

 carla  29:15

Wow, that is beautiful.

 chris  29:17

Yeah. crazy story.

 carla  29:21

So my mom was told that I wasn't gonna I was dead too. I wasn't gonna live.

 chris  29:26

Wow. And

 carla  29:30

yeah. She didn't have an accident. I was like, it was just, it was a situation and during labor. And they had to make a decision to save her or me, they chose her because obviously she had four children.

 chris  29:44

Wow. Amazing. Thank you for sharing that story. That's so powerful

 carla  29:50

Well same, I guess we really needed to be here.

 Chris  29:55

Yeah,

 carla  29:55

or wanted to be here

 chris  29:56

Alright, so I'm going to play the next song, which is Don't Give Up by Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush.

 carla  30:03

I mean, first of all, that hug in the video, just the beauty of the like friendship that they have for each other and the intimacy that's just so pure. I tried to post it early on in the pandemic, because I was like, Who else needs to see this all the time? But I kept getting taken down because I didn't have rights to it. But, yeah, it's kind of like an ethos that's run through my life. I even had a campaign during the Thistle days that I went around to all the schools me my friend, I probably shouldn't say whatever, it doesn't matter. We had stickers that said, don't give up quit. Because to me, it's like part of not giving up is not giving up on yourself. And so that means you sometimes gotta quit a whole pile of things. Especially with young people I like to frame it that way. And yeah, this song just when I'm at my like, lowest lowest point I always go to it I mean, I Gabriel is just so important when I was a teen and Kate Bush especially later on... also other people who have performed it with it. I loved it too like Paula Cole, who was his backup singer for years and then went on to her own career. Yeah, just, it's just a it's a it's a love story about friendship. I think a lot of people think it's about a romantic relationship but I mean she she even talks about like what your your your friends we have you we got you, you know? Yeah, somebody on the brink helped remember that friends. It's so good.

 Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush  31:30

SONG: Don't Give Up

 37:22

Yeah, I love this song

 chris  37:24

Yeah, I love this song and I really hadn't really heard it much until you had mentioned it to me. And I've been listening to it all week. And yeah, you're right. It's like a love story about friends. So cool and people need to hear those words don't give up but they also need to hear you worry too much. Just move on with it. So those messages

 carla  37:48

Yeah, and on a personal trajectory like that last part. When Gabriel goes into the big reveal walking across the bridge like that. I listened to that probably on repeat when I was making the decision to leave my family behind. And like I would put it on my headphones and walk over these bridges. Like, act it out, I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. So yeah, just like finding belonging. They talked about that in the song. It's so powerful. And what gets me is that it is still powerful, you know, after all these years, because it's speaking to our alienation from each other. And

 chris  38:28

Yeah, that's how you know, it's, it's so real. I think another thing really cool about Kate Bush, and she actually incorporates her family a lot in her music. You know, her son was the one who encouraged her to go back into performing live again. And then she has him on her last live album. He's singing like three different songs with her. And I didn't know he was the one who made her start doing live shows again, and his voice is awesome, too.

 carla  38:55

Thanks for sharing that I had no idea about that. And of course, as you know, I collaborate with my kids so that..my eldest had everything to do with helping you pick out this list.

 chris  39:07

Exactly. It made me think about that.

 carla  39:09

And that's really nice. And he's actually a huge Kate Bush fan bigger than me, so that's really nice. I wonder if he knows he probably does. Sole actually texted me the other day and said, it must be amazing to collaborate with your kid like, holy shit.

 chris  39:26

This song is by Andre 3000 from OutKast, and he's taken a big hiatus, aside from doing features and stuff. He's been just learning to play the clarinet and diving into jazz more, but he came back and did this song, I believe with James Blake, who did the piano and the song is another song that I go to. It's a heartbreaking song called Me and My To Bury Your Parents.

  Andre 3000 - Me&My  40:05

SONG: Me and My

 carla  43:48

I had never heard that song until I saw your list and it's really sad. But also has this thread of like I can feel the light in it , and the joy. I mean, personally, it may not think about my parents, but it made me think about my eldest brother who died. Who was like my... there's the chorus of me and my and my and they don't say, he doesn't say anything else. Oh, yeah, that. 

 Chris  44:14

Yeah. And when you mentioned that, I noticed today that he goes, me and my mother. At the end, he goes, me and my mother, me and my father, me and my, me and, and then me as he ends it, and I had never noticed that breakdown until today. It was like, gave me goosebumps.

 carla  44:36

Totally.

 chris  44:37

Yeah, and it's such a heartbreaking song. But yeah, you're right. It has this joy in it. It has this nostalgic joy of even though, you know, he had to bury his parents. He has these memories and he has love with them. And as we talked about, time not being linear, so much. That's the beauty of nostalgia and the beauty of music that can conjure those time frames.

 carla  45:01

You have an album called Newstalgia, did you come up with that?

 chris  45:05

Like at the time I thought I did, but I don't know if I really did. Because I think there's even a producer or a rapper that goes by the name Newstalgia

 carla  45:13

Right. Well, first of all, I heard it. And what I liked about it, I think there's an eagle right over my head. PS like, five inches. Okay, we talked about this a lot on this Silver Threads podcast, because I'm really interested in like, grabbing stuff from like, from the past and the future. But making sure we weave it into right now in the present. And newstalgia just captures that in a way that I hadn't really, I didn't have a word for it. I was just like, grab the thread from there and there and make a thing. And that's what I hear in the song. It's really great.

 chris  45:56

Yeah, that was my exact thought with the album. I was like, I’m such a loser. I'm always like, with nostalgia. I'm always going towards it. It's like, but you have to love the present too. And I was like, what if I you know, the present could feel like nostalgia. If you were making those, those memories and those feelings and feeling them as nostalgia feels in the present. I feel there's a danger of just going to nostalgia all the time.

 carla  46:24

Totally. Yeah.

 chris  46:25

At least for me.

 carla  46:26

Same, that's where depression links. lingers. Yeah.

 chris  46:32

Okay, we're going to go to Fast Car by Tracy Chapman

 carla  46:36

We won't play this whole song.. cry. Well, first of all, Tracy Chapman is like, where I really learned my politics. You know, like, you know, I grew up in around a lot of punk music and stuff, but I have a joke where like, there's sex pistol anarchism, and then there's anarchism, right? Or anti authoritarianism or whatever. Anyways, Tracy is like her music just educated me in a way that the other punk didn't - she's just incredible. I saw her live. It was like the best thing ever, outside... And this song as someone who grew up pretty poor in a dysfunctional home and when I met my partner like it's just our song just everything about it. And you know, it is our trajectory like if he could just like give me the foundation I will take us places kind of thing and even after it's been moving together over 30 years and we still like hear it and go it's feels like yesterday, but we had to take this leap of faith together and run away or run towards joy in our life and yeah, it's just I think it's like a pinnacle melancholy joy song because it's a lot of loss wrapped up in it but it's also about freedom and liberation and finding your way.

 Tracy Chapman  48:37

SONG Fast Car

  chris  52:00

I love that song. The way that she goes from narration to heart so effortlessly is just amazing. I love the lyrics so much. And I was wondering when you said that, along with punk because I know you have a history with the punk scene, the different branches that Tracy Chapman gave you maybe with like a political vocabulary or outlook?

 carla  52:26

Right, I mean, I guess it was just, you know, to borrow the phrase intersectionality I mean, that it had also had especially to that album, like it had a lot about forgiveness on it and love. And yeah, finding the path towards liberation versus just always in fighting against or negation. And that was something I really needed.  You know, early on, when my brother was into punk, I used to say, I don't know how you can listen to this. It's just all negative. And like, No wonder you're depressed all the time. Like, you know, I listened to The Police instead. This is like 77/78. So finding her like she had that kind of like, you know, things are bad. Call things what they were, she was, you know, obviously, pointing out the horrors of the world. But within this framework of a container of like love and kindness, forgiveness, that was really beautiful. Like the other song on the album, though. Chris, my partner, when I met him he had played on the guitar. Three of the songs he played and sang.

 chris  53:35

No way. That's awesome.That's so cool.

 carla  53:40

I don't know. What about you? 

 chris  53:42

When I first heard this song, it really brought out a lot of the just the stories that you don't often hear about, of a really just class issues. And of course, race and white supremacy tied into these. But when you hear the the one that really resonates with me is the man who was drinking becauses his body, he felt had no more use, but his he was much too young for how his body looked... that's so powerful, just that, that phrasing of the way that she took it. And it really just made me think of when I worked in the Union. I worked in the stagehands Union for a while, right before COVID or year before COVID. And I was on the carpet duty which was a horrible thing. So I would lay miles of carpet a day in the convention centers for Comic Cons and stuff. And these guys that I worked with that had been there for years, they could only be comfortable when they were laying carpet when they were trying to walk out to the light rail station, it brought them horrible pain to walk and they had their legs had so much arthritis and stuff and these guys weren't even that old. It really, that lyric really resonated with me when I heard this again.

 carla  54:56

Yeah, yeah, the working class stuff was really. It's a big part of why that song works for us.

 chris  55:03

Do you want to add on this?

 carla  55:06

Just that it had the theme of finding belonging again, which was like oh, there's that that's probably what's underneath all of my play song

 chris  55:14

this story behind this song too, that you shared. So I'm gonna play the next song is miserabilism by Pet Shop Boys

 Pet Shop Boys  58:12

SONG: Miserabilism

 chris  59:20

The way I got into this song was actually when I started working from home during COVID. I've been laid off from my other job, and I started at the call center job I was talking about. And this was like a hellacious job in between calls which was usually only about 20 seconds. I would throw on I was like I'm gonna try to get through all these discographies of people I like, and I was like I was going through Pet Shop Boys, I had never heard the song it was on some B-side and I was like this song is amazing. It's because I've always thought that the whole Disney narrative has messed up so many people of this capitalist thing of working hard. There's someone for everyone you'll find love, all these things. They create a golden, a gold plated lust. That is a form of what they call love, and dusted with capitalism or something like that. And when he's talking about just that life will be disappointing and all these things and not having expectations. It's just so well said and comforting. I found, especially while working in a call center.

 carla  1:00:25

Yeah, thanks for sharing that story and re-listening to that and hadn’t listened to it years, but there was a line in it. I think, I  hope, it's in it. Oh, my gosh, it made me think: I wonder if this was some seeds around the melancholy thing of being like wearing it as a badge of honor because it there's that line where just for the sake of it, make sure you're always frowning It shows the world you're got substance and depth. Like I was quite judging of you if people were not melancholy. I was like, You can't be paying, you're just not paying attention. How many people are suffering?

 chris  1:00:58

Yeah, that's actually yeah, that's the third verse. Yeah, it's it's one of my favorite lines, because it's just it's funny for one, but then yeah, it's kind of deep too. And it's like, there's a lot of people who, and I know there's so much to you know, different neuro divergence of sometimes people who smile the most are actually very depressed. I just like how he plays with this whole thing of you have to show that if you see someone frowning,  they understand this philosophy of miserabilism. There's no happy endings just a message to depress and it's so funny and true.

 carla  1:01:35

And it has a beat that makes you move so that the joy can move. Yeah, they always said the great dancy beats. Okay, so now we're going to Nat King Cole. Song Nature Boy. Oh, I didn't have the song on my first playlist. I think first one, I sent to you didn't have this. I do have it on the large original one. But I was on a walk with Zach and  he reminded me that I sing the song all the time.  When I am not doing well. And also because like love was like the thing like you centering everything in love is what actually got you healthy. It's not It's not about the negative and fighting back and Don't tell me what to do and don't want to do this and I don't want to it was all about actually more affirmative and really big fan of Moulin Rouge, seen it more than I want to admit and including seeing it in San Francisco at the Castro with everyone's with a sing along. So the song is just incredible and because there is the melancholic energy throughout it but you know, the message is so short and so quick, but it's everything.

 Nat King Cole.  1:02:44

SONG: Nature Boy

 chris  1:05:10

I think that is just such good advice, this song and I wish I would have heard this when I was young. The the message is so powerful. Oh, you were speaking of the Moulin Rouge

 carla  1:05:36

Actually been there I haven't been inside but I've seen it outside of Paris  - that's really good to know. Have you not seen the movie?

 chris  1:05:45

I'm not in a long time. I haven't No.

 carla  1:05:48

Yeah, it's we have a joke in our family that it's actually Christian that is actually the character not Ewan McGregor but the joke is a Ewan McGregor gave me a call tomorrow that I dumped the whole family. But it's it's really that character just heartache, and so beautiful.

 chris  1:06:09

Love it. And this is the most common song that you you actually verbalize when you're stressed out?

 carla  1:06:16

Yeah. that's one of those things I didn't even know I did it can reflect people you live with reflect back to you did this thing

 chris  1:06:25

I love that your kid collaborated and got this song on here and then got this song into my into my heart in my mind. Okay, so I'm going to now play  Sade - When Am I Going To Make a Living?

 Sade  1:07:20

SONG: When Am I Going To Make a Living?

 chris  1:09:56

So aside from this, it has been an amazing song, and I am a big Sade fan, when I was in high school, I stopped playing basketball, and for the school, and I broke my knee and had surgery and then to play basketball. So I started working at the hospital. And I was working at Rose Medical Hospital in Denver. And they had this free jukebox in the cafeteria. And this was one of the albums that was on there. And there was this this woman who I worked with in the cafeteria and in the kitchen and she showed me this song. And she was kind of like my real teacher, she was teaching me through Sade. She was saying, she would always tell me the line that the waste your body and soul if you allow them, and she was an older Black woman from the south, and she was like a mentor to me, she was like you need to do good in school, would talk to me about getting out of there getting out of the kitchen, if I could. So I was a pot washer, was probably there till I was 19, so probably about five years. And the jukebox had all kinds of other annoying albums. And this was the one that was great. I remember they had a Who let the Dogs Out by the Bahama Men, and it was a single, and this one cook he put in the code like six times to drive people crazy. And then we'd have to unplug the jukebox. But I really just learned a lot from this song. This song just has such a powerful message.  

Carla 1:11:14

I love that story. Holy moly. Is that like layers? Yeah, she's amazing, big on the playlist of me, choosing joy over sorrow, really, at that time in 2001. And listen to her a lot. This song is really important for me too, because I was in the restaurant business for years. It's like generational, like my grandmother owned restaurants. And I was really good at it. And I was in Toronto and I was the the owner wanted me to open a restaurant with him in Vancouver and be partners and I was listening not to the song, but to some part of my playlists and other people and just like I'm gonna not be working class anymore which is a joke ,because you can't actually say you're not going to do anymore. But I decided that I had a retirement party. And I've never turned back. I've never worked in a restaurant since I was 35, I think it's just a really important message in there is just an important nuance because people like capitalists, what's that shit line of like, do what you love, the money will follow bullshit. But there's the thing with like working class folks that we do to ourselves where we don't we don't believe in ourselves and I love that in this line. But in that line in the song I think yeah, there's just a nuance in it that it's not about playing the capitalist game, but it's about believing in yourself so that you can find thriving. Yeah, thanks for picking it.

 chris  1:12:49

Yeah. I love that. Thanks for adding that. We're doing the Holly Cole version. So this next song is I Don't Want to Grow Up

 Holy Cole  1:13:26

SONG: I Don't Want To Grow Up

 carla  1:17:00

Yeah, so this song has played a factor, since I was a teenager because the Ramones did it first, much more upbeat, funnier version. Really, I think, the perfect version for a teen to listen to, really resonated. I have fought so called adultism all my life in terms of the rigidity that I seen the suffering and whatever that meant. And then fast forward bunch of years, just after I gave birth to Zach my oldest son in 94. That's around when she came out with this album, she covered a bunch of Tom Waits songs. Which is funny because Tom Waits version is actually the one that resonates the most with me now because it feels so playful and he's older and I don't know I just relate to him more I think but this was really I was really stuck with what does it mean to not want to grow up in this way but be  a parent and i just yeah, I listened to it often and with you know, my baby on my on my chest, thinking about it didn't give in didn't grow up in that way.

 chris  1:18:09

I love those threads that you put through it. Yeah, I do. I think the Ramones is the the you know the most playful and then Tom Waits is kind of the middle, which Tom Waits is what Tom Waits is so good at, of being melancholy and playful and funny at the same time. And then Holly Cole just really brings out, takes takes away that sarcasm and you really just feel the the rawness of the lyrics, which is why I love this version  it's Yeah, it's so powerful, but still resilient at the same time.

 carla  1:18:40

Totally. Yeah. Tom Waits. Exactly. And I originally picked his version because it is melancholic joy. But the story is better.

 chris  1:18:48

No, yeah, thank you for something that all together. We messed around and made a really good playlist.

 carla  1:18:54

Yes. Totally fun. It was Yeah, melancholy joy.

 chris  1:18:59

So I'm going to play the track Legends by Juice WRLD who recently passed away rest in peace Juice Wrld

 Juice WRLD  1:19:06

SONG: Legends

 chris  1:22:15

You can hear Juice WRLD’s, his heart and his music and his his soul and just the vulnerability of mostly  Juice WRLD's music is so powerful and his voice the the beats that he uses too. And I really just resonate to the song because I don't know if it goes back to when my mom was smoking when she was pregnant, but my lungs, they they collapse randomly and actually collapsed four times one right when I turned 18, just back to back and then I had up surgeries. And the top lobes of my lungs had to be removed. And I was going in and out of the hospital for probably about a year or two. So I was always on dilaudid in the hospital, just messed up my head so bad. And then they would give me like percocets and all this. And, you know, it's essentially like battling with addiction of pain pills, just because I was depressed. But I didn't think I was I think that was the scariest thing. It just was like, Oh yeah, I'll take one because I have all these and I have a little bit of pain. And then it was turning into, you know, a hole to dig down that that was a dangerous hole. And I really just relate to what, what Juice WRLD’s talking about in this on top of this. And the things that he struggled with. I know there was another artist that was lost who had a similar vulnerability to their lyrics was Lil Peep. Couple years ago, too. It's just had this amazing way of writing too. And the lyrics that really resonate with me in the song is that I usually have an answer to the question but this time I'm going to be quiet. Ain't nothing like the feeling of uncertainty that eeriness of silence. And so powerful. When I work with a lot of youth in high schools, I know a lot of them relate to juice wrld too, because they're going in school at this time that's worried about school shootings, worried about climate change. So many existential things are already heavy on top of just being in high school, those feelings at the time. So there's just a lot of intersections and things that collide with this song and why I relate to it.

 carla  1:24:25

Thanks for sharing about your story and being vulnerable. I am so sorry. That's a lot to contend with. Glad you

 chris  1:24:32

Thank you.

 carla  1:24:34

Yeah, music really helps, right?

 chris  1:24:37

Yeah.

 carla  1:24:38

I love that song, too. I actually had the same quote pulled out so not surprisingly, I just yeah, I had shared the list with Zach today. And he was blown away that the song was on it. And he was like, Oh, it's just too sad. Lil Peep and they're all dead...Yeah. But yeah, the love for each other, though that comes through in the song. Like about, you know, like the music will live on it's one of the things that writers die to like I'm like, I'm so grateful that I still have their their words to carry me, carry generations, not just me. I really like that in that too. Yeah.

 chris  1:25:17

Yeah, and like one beautiful thing about art is that it literally saves lives. And I know that this song saves lives every day. And that's another thing of just beautiful art.

 carla  1:25:30

Yeah. yeah

 chris  1:25:31

Okay, so this next track is better by Burial. The new song is Untrue.

 Burial  1:25:35

SONG: Untrue

 carla  1:31:15

Feelings, feelings and saw because you girl, man Yeah, there's like many stories for this. I think probably why I I think probably why I chose it is in 2017 I got really sick and was in bed for about eight months. I love to dance. It's how I like how I move through being sad, and I couldn't dance. So I kind of came up with this plan that if I put a record on and laid on the floor, like on the hardwood floor, I would feel the vibrations of the music. And my body would get my Vegas nerve activated. Move. And Zach put on this and yeah, it just became like a healing theme song. Especially Untrue. And then during the pandemic, it just, you know, that feeling of being in quarantine and stuff and being stuck at home like, had a similar feeling even though I could physically dance. So, you know, I just listened to it every day. And I mean, we have all of Burial's stuff. But this is the one that I go to. And then I think I shared this with you. But Mark Fisher writes about a story about him writing this this particular song with his mom and him being really sad. I think if their dog his dog just died or something. And he wrote something, and his mom didn't like it and told him to like, just go make some tea and fuck everybody and do his work, find his passion or whatever. I can't remember the exact quote. It's really good. And that just made me love it even more, because he immediately went and wrote this song  Untrue, and she loved it.

 chris  1:33:02

And then it turned to be his breakout hit right?

 carla  1:33:04

Yes.

 chris  1:33:06

I love his story so much I had never known until you told me it's so cool. So when you started using the song kind of as a ritual for healing Did you notice a big difference right away?

 carla  1:33:18

Yes.  Sorry, the wind

 chris  1:33:19

 It’s fine. This episode is featuring the wind.

 carla  1:33:23

Yes. Which is our sound?

 chris  1:33:25

Yeah. It's a form of music. I mean, I first heard Burial, it was on a Thom Yorke remix and I just love the haunting syntha but it's still dancey and some my favorite type of music, a reason why I love the new wave so much and Trance and some EDM and stuff like that. I love that this pick is on the playlist. So next we're going to a Channel Zero Network friend, Tim who is Sole and the song is called Last Earth.

 Sole  1:34:08

SONG: Last Earth

 chris  1:36:22

So, for one, Sole is one of my favorite lyricists, one of my favorite writers, I don't know how many albums Sole has, it's gotta be, it's in the 20s it may be in the 30s, a prolific writer. And the reason I like this song is it has a melancholy joy to it. It's a lot of Sole's music does, but this is more of a dancey beat. It has William Ryan Fritch, from Sole and the Skyrider band singing with him. Just the beginning bars, so cool, I might be dead, but no flies on me. And he lived in Denver for a while. And we would often go to protests together. And I remember one day we were at one of these protests and he disappeared and he was arrested, kind of just for stepping off the curb for a second you know, the average blocking traffic or something. And the line all up in the cell talking FTP, is just so funny to me, but so Sole at the same time, and so true. And the just the way that he gets into other topics too, he says that's a bad trip, like when whites cross the sea, talking about colonialism, questioning dogma, which is something he does so well with his the way that he intervenes with anarchy and anarchism. And the course to the planet Earth, you don't belong to anyone, we will undo the feudal age. And then he always gets into little sci fi tangents as well like talking about the simulation theory or are we in a projection, and then the playfulness of Sole as well that sometimes he dreams he's flying through space to sees other just all these images of liberation will talking about desecration at the same time, which is I find inspiring and comforting and reflective.

 carla  1:38:07

Thanks for putting the song on. I hadn't heard it. Already adore Tim/Sole. So I had pulled out similar lines as you but I'm the one in the chorus that we will die trying, I love so much because I mean that's that willingness, you know? I think like in all my social media bios I just wrote, I try...  because I think that's like the least we, I mean, it's the most we can do actually. And I think isn't there like a Rebecca Solnit told me this, like, it's actually what an essayist is, like somebody who writes political stuff for the world is at the ideas you try. So just really gravitates to that, so hearing that in the song with that, with those lyrics, I was like, that's the point. That's the whole entire point is to try.

 chris  1:38:53

It really reminds me of the whole, Sole always did the whole détournement of Guy Debord and kind of see this in three parts. So the first one being 50 cent, Get Rich or Die Trying. And then Dead Prez, they kind of did a détournement and they said Get Free or Die Trying and then Sole, kind of Sole is in that vein very much with his music of or we will die trying

 carla  1:39:16

Nice connection. Nice weaving. took what I said, no grounding and grounded it Thank you.

 chris  1:39:27

No way. I didn't even think of it. until you brought it up. So yeah, that's the beauty of collaboration. Oh, you're so nice. You picked our song for the last song, which is I've always loved the monsters by by me, Jason/Maudlin Magpie & produced by A Thousand Vows

  Time (me), Jason/Maudlin Magpie & produced by A Thousand Vows  1:39:58

SONG: I've Always Loved the Monsters

 carla  1:43:26

So I wanted to pick something on the larger playlist too I also just picked something that just came out from Kinnie Starr... I just really wanted to bring it current. I listen to this song more than I'd like to admit it.. thank you so much for creating it both of you. It just. Yeah, it does bring that melancholy joy because it roots me into like a lot of things. I mean, almost every line, it's something that I've like, pondered or thought about, not in the exact same way or not in the same poetic way. But one of the things I'm really trying to figure out is like how to get out of my head and be more present so that I can just live more of a thriving life and so much of my work was about like creating thriving environments and containers for people but then I overworked myself and didn't thrive myself. Then there's just you have that in there and, and on the one hand like, like, the Jason's melody, like, it's kind of this counter to it because it's it's like this dilemma that I have around like more thought is like, takes me way out of presence, but yet your thoughts do untangle it all for me. So anyway, I'm not gonna I'm not gonna put your lyrics back to you.

 chris  1:44:37

I love that. Thank you, it's an honor that you feel that way. And to just give a little bit of context to this song is I had, I believe I've told you the story, but I had recorded this song, and this song talks about death like a lot of my songs which I get made fun of for. I had recorded this song. and it even says the one one day years hard will be beating the the next it might not be. And literally the next day, I got in a horrific car accident, almost died and had internal bleeding and stuff. And then my mind didn’t work that well for a while. It's such a severe concussion. And when I kind of came back to and I was able to write again and work on this album, I wanted to redo this verse, the song and Jason was like, no, that you recorded that. It's like, it almost was your last recording. Like you have to keep it. It's crazy. It's eerie. And maybe he's kind of a macabre person for wanting to keep it like it was but it was a good idea. But then I found out later that he actually wrote the chorus when I was injured pretty much, and he said he was kind of talking about how my mind is it always like can make a lot of connections and goes places so I was like wow, I never knew the chorus had to actually do with me and that he was worried about me when I was injured, so it kind of made, ties the song more together.

 carla  1:46:04

Wow, that is probably what I've like it just has such it's so affectual like it's kinetic. Like I feel it in every way and also like I do a lot of work with my ancestral stuff and you just you cover it all like yeah my my sights.. What is it, my thoughts steal my sight? Oh man. Yeah, my daily. I apologize to my kids and my partner for that.. Yeah. Thanks for sharing that story. And I'm so glad you survived that accident. Yeah. And not to mention the title because we both love monsters.

 chris  1:46:42

Yeah, no, definitely. That was that was the other thing of yeah, always, always love the Yeah, the monsters are not always the heroes of the stories or what's really strange is this last track that I picked by SBTRKT featuring sampha trials of the past is a song that actually was one of the ways I healed after my car accident. I didn't even think about how these lined up. I was I never took a day off of teaching after the car accident, which was a really dumb idea because I was throwing up after a lecture, anytime I use my my brain even if I read a text message, it would make me nauseous. And I was stubborn and took place in this debate I had already said I would go to on fracking, which I was glad I did because the fracking debate was horrible. And I threw up after that too. But this was a song that I would always listen to on the light rail. And it brought me peace and it made me feel free.

 SBTRKT (feat. Sampha)  1:47:45

SONG: Trials of the Past

carla  1:51:15

I really like the songs, how does it help?

 chris  1:51:19

Back to that thing where you say like it's just there, that vibe of this melancholy joy. For one, it's just the beats. I love this like tube synths in the minors in it and then some - Sampha's voice, it's just so soulful, and so calming and poetic. But when I would be on the light rail, and I was trying to get to like the front or the back of the car, and I stand up, and then I would pretend I was flying. And I didn't feel good, you know, because I couldn't really think, so I feel kind of weird too. I felt spacey. So I actually felt like I was flying above the light rail while listening to this over and over again for about a month. And then I love the second verse where he says I was always floating around the city, going with the flow without ever knowing where I want to be. So I got into crazy situations. And a loyal soldier who acts who acts who acts but never asks, that was my favorite line. And I just love that. And I know you and me, we really resonate about talking about questioning and questions.

 carla  1:52:23

I really liked flying on my back, the looking down. Really, really related to that I think it has like it had this sense of like astral projection or something in it. I think there's some kind of like, beyond this physical realm. I mean, that's the joy. I think I pulled from it out of that.yeah

 chris  1:52:44

Yeah, it reminds me of your story about Burial a little bit too, about how you were trying to get the nerve nerve activated going and like that form of dancing. And we had talked about in an email before this on other topics of what music is and music and ableism. And I was telling you about a friend I have who's a non hearing friend, and they told me, they were explaining to me about going to shows and that they enjoy going to shows where they can just feel the bass and the bass in their chest. And just the vibes of the energy of a show and all of those things. And just those things to consider when people are talking about music and ableism and all those things that tie in, and how music is part of everyone's realities.

 carla  1:53:32

Yeah, thanks for bringing that up. It's really important. That's the thing like rhythm. Yeah, even a non hearing person they can feel it in their body. And I think that's really important because that's like I shared that quote. It's Zach's favorite quote the one about like that sound is you can't have music without sound but you can have sound without music and so therefore sound is more important. But it makes me think about that just opening up what sound is and how how we experience it and in even like a harmonic way or harmony way, like that's probably a whole other conversation that I'm probably not the best person to have it with because I don't really understand music, but just even the western narrow version of what music is versus the east. Just continues on the white supremist hegemonic road even what constitutes music.

 chris  1:54:24

Yeah, like always trying to categorize and break things into binaries that are not necessarily. Going back to what you were saying about how you enjoy dance. And that's a way that you're able to express, just yeah, the music of that and just the rhythm of movement

 carla  1:54:42

Even separating that in the West.

 chris  1:54:47

I love that bird

 carla  1:54:48

A little music

 chris  1:54:51

And is a perfect book end because that's how we started it with talking to the birds.

 carla  1:54:55

Yes. Nice. Nice. Did you want to say anything about your larger list before we wrap it up?

 chris  1:55:03

Like the ones that I really picked on my extra was a song that I really grew up listening to which was Respiration by Blackstar. It's talking about the city and the beat by Hi Tek is really contemplated and I love like the poetry of Mos Def (Yasiin Bey). I had Prince on there, which we're both big Prince fans, I have a lot of jazz that was on there like Archie Shepp, big Tom Waits fan like you were talking about. So I had stuff from nighthawks at the diner, which was, you know, kind of a play into our newest album Nighthawks at McCoys, Stevie Wonder is one of the greatest of all time, I just love, everything Stevie does, going back to the hospital when I worked there, Frankie Beverly and The Maze of a co worker taught me about them in the song Joy & Pain ties in so much into this. And then the Priests, I really love the Priests and their music in Earth, Wind and Fire, one of the members from Earth Wind and Fire's from Denver. I am a big Frank Ocean fan as well. New wave, so Joy Division, and I probably end up putting a New Order or someone else on there if we kept going with this playlist.

 carla  1:56:08

Well, I did 13 so you can add a couple more. I'm so excited to share this list. I'm gonna start with the couple that like we're in that we got booted out of the top seven which is Sun Ra, Blue Soul, So I mean, I just, I don't know, I feel like I'm from another planet most of the time, so I really relate to Sun Ra's stuff and, and really get lost in it. And then Sinead O'Connor really, really important. I mean, her and Tracy Chapman, you know, are my political educators. Oh the song that I kicked off right away was for the one that Zach told me to do nature boy, but This is for Life from Luka Bloom. I don't know if you know his stuff, but he's Irish. Just an incredible singer, singer songwriter, and it's really about a song during the troubles where a man or woman fall in love and he gets put in prison because he kills somebody. But they stay together despite it all and it's all about time and how he can't actually watch the moon because he's in jail and it's really really sad but there's like a beauty about it that they commit to life together their love their love is going to transcend this physical distance. Yeah, so and Prince, of course, it was really hard to pick a Prince song. I was really wanting to do something from his early stuff that Purple Rain is the one that had to be and then The Cure. Aw, man, I probably listened to Cure like three times a week because  it's a dance. It's not you know, it is melancholy Joy to the max because it has the beat to dance. But the songs are so sad. Sigur Ros is another, all of it. It's my every time I go on a flight. I listened to Sigur Ros. I love it. The Police's like circa you know, teenager, I just felt completely lonely. It's from their first or maybe their second. I thought it's from the first album. And then I have a couple jazz stuff on there to Steal my Joy from Lee Williams. Do you know that song? So good

 chris  1:58:09

No, no.

 carla  1:58:11

it's about not stealing,  It's like don't steal my joy is actually the song

 chris  1:58:15

Nice.

 carla  1:58:17

Sounds really, really beautiful. And then of course, At Last lost I borrowed from a friend who did a playlist about hope and Rebecca Solnit actually, she had it on there. Because she's you know, sometimes sometimes we have to wait for it. Sometimes there's patience in the fight, in the build. So I thought it was a good one in terms of ending my playlists. Sometimes the Joy has you have to wait a bit.

 chris  1:58:45

I love that.

 carla  1:58:46

They cover them all. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, Walkabout real quick. I love Atlas Sound. And I really wanted the song on the film I made about the purple thistle and I went through a lot of networks to get it but of course, you know, you're in the business. He didn't he doesn't actually have rights to the song so I ended up not using it but yeah,

 chris  1:59:05

on dang. Yeah, I love your extras on here.

 carla  1:59:10

Oh my god. I missed Sour Gout. Yeah, that's my kid. It was hard to pick but I picked the one that resonated the most. He's written a couple songs for me. I should probably have done one of them but had a lot of rain in it.

 chris  1:59:26

Awesome. All right, carla. Well, I'll talk to you soon. Bye

 carla  1:59:30

Bye.

 1:59:32

Thank you for tuning into this episode of the time talks podcast part of the channel zero network. Please check out carla bergman work and support their endeavors. Links to carla's works are in the show notes. Please send me an email and tell me some songs you listen to when you're feeling blue, or share a playlist with us. My email is timeraps@riseup.net. thanks to awareness for the music, share the show around, rate it up and give someone some water. peace.

[cherry-o-piggy]

And old slew

posted 3/7/2021

I think my number one requirement is that you keep up, which only the mentally ill do.

What does it say about me that all my friends are ADHD?

The black boys, they pass and bob and chat to rap like it’s beat poetry in the 1960s. Here with them I am in a modern historical moment of art discovering my aesthetic and true calling. I see this after a bias worry on repeat, looking back it was not a real fear, just a humorous societal conception, and who have I ever been to subscribe to society. Me and my white girl friend out smoked them in their own home and my friend, I hugged him in front of his friends, and he walked us out of his house like a true gentleman. It was truly the part of my soul that I wanted to share in a social setting.

“You’re not in charge of me, T[redacted] is.”

It’s 10 degrees in the dark and it’s just me and my skin wrapped in tight black fabric flying up the powdered hill like I was never meant to touch the ground in the first place. It is still 10 degrees and I’m replaying everything that has ever happened like maybe I’ll get a second chance that I don’t need, but want still. The 10 degrees rummage around in my bones and all the pain this new year brought, the pain of becoming women, intertwines itself with my heart so there is no difference. The 10 degrees keep me warm, from the pit of my stomach to my chest and red cheeks. It’s enough right now.

The concept of solidarity flowed from Budimir’s lips along with sweeties and engagement, and I truly think it is the first concept I ever truly understood. I do not know respect or love or good. But I know solidarity, I know solidarity deep down in my bones and my blood and my soul. And it just goes to show, it was never me, I just never met a good teacher.

My lust still rides with you, for safe keeping.

I don’t remember what your voice sounds like anymore, I used to be able to hear it in my head.

Every man both looks like you and the man who wanted me dead.

Sometimes I am hollowed out enough that the only feeling I have is my hands and they don’t seem to bare my heart’s intentions. But it is a much deeper part of my being they represent, one I wish someone worse would fulfill for me. Pity I am the only beautiful thing.

Part of my soul is an iris in the wind.

A wealthy woman in the glass, a thesis sustaining the validity of age regression in design and mini-practice, and collections combatting change in order to hold on to something.

There was a few moments of my life where I was obsessed with the devil in the woods by the ocean and the magic I would be allowed if I could just exist somewhere beautiful to be a little odd in peace with equally passionate companionship. While the other burn outs dream of fantasy I dream of psudeo-realistic peace because I could never get there by myself, let alone with the chaos of another sentiment being.

You wouldn’t like me anymore. I’m an existentialist bc I am completely and totally unsure of myself as a concept. And it makes it immensely easier to flow along with the process of getting what I want.

In the dark the voice pokes at suicide in the highest of highest and I drown out the noise with the hope that in that grainy moment 5 guys ago you flicked away my perfect tears with your tongue and I was too intimate and vulnerable to fully feel it.

With a face this expressively cute and a brain this overwhelmingly neat I deserve a man to compliment my abundance completely.

I bet no one thinks about me at all. But that would be naive and hopeful.

If he is only supplying money as his position in your life, as soon as the money stops he no longer needs to be taken into consideration when making decisions because he is no longer a part of your life. If the only value you have is the provision of the bare necessities and no emotional connection you have no purpose after you no longer supply the means of survival because you made the decision and only did a quarter of the work needed to take responsibility for that decision.

Time isn’t who she used to be. Time used to drag and suffocate and strangle. Now Time is broad watercolor strokes to blurry, cotton eyes. I live the same day over and over with the same amount of nothing but I still do not feel the suffocation of monotonous repetition, not like I used to when I was young. I feel unfulfilled still, empty still. But it is not overwhelming. And this nothing that happens, the absolute repetition of activity happens so quickly now. Not like it used to. I feel like I’m always playing catch up. There’s never enough time, or maybe I am newly blind to her movement? Whatever the case, Time and I are strangers now, which is such a shame because I used to know her intricately, anxiously so.

Sometimes I dissolve into words, I think that’s why everything moves so fast.

I’m going to force my oddity on man and disregard everyone that has anything at all to say. I always said I was crazy, which drew extensive attention, but I no longer think that is fitting for me and who I aspire to become. I think I desire much more to be odd than to be mad. Eccentric.

A man bought me six and a half hours (after tax) worth of stuffed animals. And I haven’t even had sex with him. Fuck, that kind of feels like debt. Can I like hang out w him and like “drop” $50 somewhere he’ll eventually notice. I’ve never had to do that before, but I am willing to go that far. Actually, I did that to my GM last break (and I shouldn’t have, I deserve better compensation for my labor, but I refuse to be rude ever).

Why would I want a man that smells like wood?

Hanging out w me is like just me saying “no babies” over and over in different voices.

The feeling drips like sunflower blue syrup down my back. It feels too sharp to be harmless, but too quick to enjoy. And it leaves my chest hollow after it’s appearance. My limbs are heavy and my head is worried about the fluttering around that happened inside my chest last night, I wasn’t sure if it was death or symptoms of suffocation. My lungs just filled and I grasped my body from within my soul and when it was sufficient and neat, I dove back into the harmful thoughts of lust and the gripping behavior caused by being lonesome. This feeling doesn’t flow, it’s too stuck, it remains mine. So instead it drips.

I want to scream that I am good at what I do because a piece of me always felt that you doubted me. I am good enough that I read a love poem out loud to my high school class with the girl in the class and I didn’t get bullied for it, it didn’t scare her away, and my teacher complimented me about it. I was known by the whole high school as a writer and it wasn’t in a bad way. I used to write and edit peoples papers and I was an English tutor for middle school. My English 101 professor told me I should Publish my paper based on the three paragraphs that I wrote in twenty minutes right in front of him. I have not read a full book since sophomore year of high school and I am able to break down structures and themes of books by picking through about 30 pages, and from that I can developed a thesis, a five paragraph outline, research questions, and eventually a 6 page paper from 30 pages of a novel. I hung out with someone, read then my poetry and they were surprised that it was not cringe. Every English teacher I’ve ever had has loved me. I was already so familiar with the English language and the concept of grammar rules and their functions that I could speak in limited vocabulary sentences in Spanish when I was taking Spanish 2 (did I cry every single day, yes, but did I get an A, also yes). When I tell you I am a writer, I mean that it is my soul. It is the only reason I am alive. When I tell you I am good at what I do I mean I’m already published. Twice. I am good at what I do. So yeah, I know what a fucking genre is, bitch.

Even my abusers will tell you I’m good at what I do.

I need someone to press their soul into mine so that I am sure I have one.

Good morning honey bun 💛 I hope you have a wonderful day today and I’ll be sending good thoughts your way all day :) love you ❤️❤️

8 year old me would think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world. I remember how critical I was of other women, I remember the way I used to pick them apart in my head about all their imperfects. It’s bc I only heard those things about myself. And I’m not proud, but I was a child and I am completely different now. I remember my favorite parts about women too. I remember how I used to melt for long hair and belly button piercings and being unashamed. I am tall and wealthy and have a million expressions. 8 year old me would stare at me in the store and hope to be her, 8 year old me would love to be 17 year old me. It’s all she ever wanted. I am everything I ever wanted. I am gorgeous.

Sometimes it’s claymation filter and my body is yellow and I am ugly and when I laugh my teeth are bucked. I get so clear that I am ugly. I get so outside of my own perspective that I have never uttered my own name.

I am so self aware and violently gone and ridiculous. And I’ve been wanting this. That I thank god for planning and hard work.

I’m a slut. :) beep

[bibiamor]

21/12/20

Last night having 69 w Leonardo Di cap

My policeman

Was so tall and warm and funny but witty and t bland also spicy . He reminded me of one the guardians I see during Aaron’s meditation. He’s this like exemplary guy. What I would consider the perfect dude. Funny and strong and tall brave and beautiful in a offbeat unique way. Light eyes dark hair.

I was lost. My friends took cars and were already there and for some reason I chose to walk with Aries I believe and he rose me up so high and pointed to a highway or roads that curved to the right above or just next to the sea. He pointed like the soldier in my dream. I felt so safe and protected and cared for.

20/12/20

Mom and I leaving a white van on a hill or cliff ledge and getting out to go further up the mountain me leaving Aries and putting him outside or to one side to wait

Later a bigger van turned j to a robot

A super super tall Italian policeman who helped me find a place directions

It’s the ska jab thins and mosaics. J’y they are underwater I was going w two more friends one I had an affair with

Dean was mad there was an event with joe or lee

I kept carrying the heart earring in my mouth lest I lose it

Pearls ?

Mama had Lucy she took her and she lost her in Granada . She let her sleep outside and Lucy ran away. Trusting her with a big responsibility? But it seemed like genuine accident

19/12/20

777 briefcase dream

(Dad, money, work, business woman, travel)

7777 next day during Casino

777 on day of car inspection or day after

777= 21=3

7 is spiritual hero’s journey 7 is psychic phenomena 7 is unlocking the briefcase of knowledge through rosemary’s books perhaps is what they’re telling me

My Tom cruise dream

1. I admire him a lot since the Irish America movie. His work ethic. Ability to be convincing no matter what despite being annoying.

2. His name. CRUISE. As in, a long voyage on a SHIP which is what I’ve called the VW a few times.

19/12

Last night I dreamt Arshag either said it or I sensed it telepathically that he wanted to settle and have a family. Not necessarily with me. And I told him that it wasn’t the solution to his ailments or problems.

Later the entrance to a place where I would or could buy the VW. Except it was like a black tent nightclub entrance with gold ropes and a red carpet leading to it. It looked a lot like the entrance to an underground strip club or Soohisticats in London that leads to a stairway. Today my book said underground places can represent the subconscious. I need to access it to find my VW? 😅

18/12/20

O just napped

Dreamt I accidentally had left my patriots jacket in the machine before a wash and I was so upset bc it’s so special to me. Mostly ok but when I made myself try it on it shrunk . Some numbers were faded where it was blue it was now white no vie versa. And the back was now cheap plastic material and you couldn’t see the patriots logo anymore. Then I willed myself to see more and thought of the eagle on the jacket ? 53 on the sleeve . I remembered the last guy who told me how nice it was and I was chuffed he’d never find it online and now mine was ruined I wouldn’t be able to either

10/12/20

Dreaming in another language for the first time ever. “Le rôle de parleur ou commandeur ». Something about being in a chariot kind of position to make demands from others, for others to ‘respect’ or listen to. The car i think.

Something about delivering messages like parcels just like the podcast I listened to before bed. Same message.

8/12/20

Dream yesterday

Sex w two guys unknown. One to my right and another laying down underneath my long skirt. Possibly a period skirt. Think it was a wet dream. Perhaps creative energy surging with no place to go since I haven’t been meditating.

Last night I watched callas kennedy Onassis documentary and dreamt I was on a massive piece of land that looked more like Brittany but was owned by the kennedys. I remember saying the name Rose though it might’ve been bc of the mother. I was there asking for permission to film on their property. It was all very informal and they were all dressed rather casual not what I expected from Kennedy’s but they seemed to be out strolling or hunting with dogs. “Yes should be fine, Rose/someone should be around”.

2/12/20

Dreams

Jeremy again! Being nice getting along being almost flirty again being close. Him telling me which bread he likes (with seeds) and other things I didn’t write down soon enough. He still hasn’t replied to my last email about them. What could they possibly mean?

Something about Arshag which reminds me I can ask him my car q’s.

16/11/20

Last night’s dream: 2 very specific clear images.

First, a falcon. Perched. Alone. With hood so he couldn’t see. No owner but clearly had one.

This is the 5th falcon/eagle in a week not including the ‘one’ we found. There’s something about this animal I need to research or I really have to do that shamanic tunnel technique of finding my power animal. Clearly he’s waiting to give me something I need.

Second, the towers of Cologne cathedral. I even had the exact name. I think of the Manara Tower card with this illustration. Unexpected destructions and break ups. Gothic architecture. Hochi. He was a writer. The club and my time there. The first place my mother landed in Europe. Point zero? When Luca visited. Tower moment. What am I supposed to go back and explore. My time dancing? To write about it? The history of the cathedral? How to move through tower card moments?

Later completely separately. Being a mature student in a high school. Being very literally persecuted by yet another woman. A cop of some sort. Unequivocally irrationally triggered by my energy and person and felt she had to bring me down no matter what. I failed to follow some rules that actually most people were relaxed about but since she was on to me, she caught me and expelled me from the school. I was in her room sleeping when I should have been in class and she hadn’t noticed. And that was that, there was no turning back from her decision, she involved superiors and many others to make sure I would leave. I was sad and disappointed because I was learning and I still had 3 months left in my rent (which I think was here). Again, punishment didn’t fit the crime. It was blown way out of proportion: a Justice card from earlier echo. But then some friends came up with a plan for revenge and managed to make this huge party they knew she’d come to where I was at too with a huge gas mask so she wouldn’t recognise me. I don’t know if she died but she did suffer. Things were burned, evidence was burned. It wasn’t my idea, I don’t think I really cared. Aries and I were already planning our next venture. Lots of sand. Like a Texas Arizona America vibe.

Yesterday it was bizarre and disjointed, the kind that doesn’t seem to make any sense whatsoever. There was a Russian kid who looked pretty much like the Russian contestant on master of photography. I had to babysit him kind of and he was following me around and waiting for me everywhere. We went to the cinema where I spent 300€ in the kiosk shop on food and god knows what else, it felt justified and I just swiped my card like I wasn’t worried at all about money. It didn’t feel frivolous or reckless. He helped me with my shopping bags. It wasn’t romantic. I think my mom was driving us around? I had to choose between two movies to watch. One was like a romantic thriller with pinks and purples in the poster like a twilight type deal but I chose the more normal romantic Indian movie and there were huge queues at the cinema (despite the restrictions) with tons of people at the gate. Huge crowds and everyone was black because all the white people were too scared to leave their house because of corona. Then a black girl with boy short hair and tight black sports clothes and she needed my/our help because she said she’d done the shamanic power animal dance but she still couldn’t get the soil on her land fertile enough to build or just the salmon goo soil she had in this massive flat ceramic cauldron. You could make little turrets out of the goo but it never stayed solid enough to hold it would melt back into the soup so you definitely couldn’t build anything. Then, 3rd person sentences about me like it was a Cayce or Akashic reading saying I had “wholly embraced” all the angel information recently and that they were happy about that and “she may beautify cleanse and heal her environs” like it was my special ability or gift I had.

[h-ycinth]

handsome stranger

hey! i wrote this a little bit ago and never shared it with anyone so i figured i’d post it. it is a stenbrough fic based off of the song “absolutely smitten” by dodie i’m thinking about writing more based off of songs. if you like it please let me know. also if you want a part two comment or ask me! i really hope you like it. (ps i know i’m not a great writer but i tried)

Bill sat awkwardly in the office of Derry High School. He had moved a few years after his brother Georgie died in New York. Wanting their son to have a fresh start, the Denbroughs moved to Derry, Maine. Bill was just starting junior year and was very anxious.

He knew that everyone would already have a friend group and that it would be hard to make friends. The lady at the front desk had told him to sit and wait for the student tour guide to show him where his classes were. The yelling coming from the hallway caught his attention.

“Stanley!” he heard someone yell as a door shut.

“Aye! Stan!” many voices yelled afterwards. Footsteps, high fives, and laughing followed shortly after. Bill laughed quietly to himself at what he was hearing.

“Wow Stan the man, when did you get more popular than me?” Bill heard a deeper, extremely loud voice say.

“Shut it trashmouth.” he heard a very different voice say. The voice was smooth and soft but still deep and strong.

“I would love to walk you guys to class but I have to give a new kid the tour.” a quiet voice said. Bill perked up at this and became even more anxious.

“Ok. See you at lunch Ben.” a feminine voice said. The door of the office next to Bill opened, causing him to look to the person standing in the doorway. A tall, broad guy stood there. His dark blonde hair reflected the fluorescent lights and his chestnut eyes caught Bills’.

“Hi! You must be the new kid. I’m Ben Hanscom.” he - Ben - said as he extended his hand. Bill took it and shook firmly before he spoke.

“I’m B-Bill Denbrough.” he was working on his stutter and although it was still present, it had gotten much better.

“Well then Bill, shall we begin?” Ben asked, opening the door and smiling at Bill. They began their walk through the school, Ben giving Bill random historical facts that his friend Mike had told him. They paused at a door on the right side of the hallway.

“This is your first class. I’ll meet you here after it ends to take you to your second one. Good luck!” Ben explained as he looked at Bill. Once Ben was a few yards away, Bill took a deep breath and walked through the door.

For a split second, all of the heads in the room turned to him. Once, they had looked him up and down, their attention focused back onto the boy in the middle of the room. Bill walked quickly to the front of the room to talk with the teacher. The older gentleman told him his assigned seat and told him class was starting in just a second. Just as Bill sat down, the bell rang, signaling the beginning of junior year.

While everyone went back to their seats, Bill looked over to see who they were all gathered around. In the back of the room sat a guy with golden curls, catching and reflecting the light coming through the windows. His caramel brown eyes were scanning the room, looking at everyone in the class. The baby blue polo shirt he was wearing showed off his arms - Bill was not staring at them - and was tucked into his khakis. Pristine white converse were laced perfectly; baby blue socks that matched his shirt peaked over the top. He was perfect. A handsome stranger.

The teacher began talking and Bill was forced to stop looking at the stranger. After taking attendance, he began talking about the class but Bill couldn’t keep his mind from wandering. Did he look good? His hair was as it usually was - soft and straight - and he had worn a nice outfit for the first day. But did he think he was pretty? Bill hoped so. It was only the first day and Bill was already falling for someone.

“Now since it’s the first day and we have some new students as well as students from different grades, I want you all to get into groups and talk to each other.” the teacher said. Students began moving around the room, all trying to get to the handsome stranger Bill had been thinking about. He didn’t expect anyone to come talk to him so he started reading the book he had brought.

~

Stanley sat in the back of the classroom, looking at everyone in the class. He had become the king of Derry somehow and everyone loved him. He really only was friends with the other losers - who weren’t losers anymore - and didn’t like the attention of everyone else. His fellow classmates were all trying to talk to him once the teacher had told them to get into groups but Stan got up and shyly walked over to Richie and Eddie.

“And so the king joins us.” Richie said once Stan sat down. Rolling his eyes, he looked back to his best friends.

“I think this is going to be a good year.” he said. Richie nodded and they both looked to Eddie. He was looking at the front of the room.

“Hey Eds, what’s up?” Richie asked.

“The new kid from New York. He’s just by himself reading.” Eddie replied as he turned back to them with a worried expression on his face. Confusion contorted Stan’s face and he glanced over Eddie’s shoulder to look at the guy they were talking about.

Luckily, he was sitting with his profile to Stan. His red-brown hair was beautiful and shining. His eyebrows were furrowed while his bright blue eyes scanned over the words on the page. The black shirt he wore read “The Cure” across the chest and his jeans were rolled up a little at the end. It looked like navy blue socks with different colored dinosaurs were exposed between the jeans and very worn black converse. Stan couldn’t keep his eyes off of the boy. He was quite pretty.

“Let’s go.” Stan exclaimed as he stood up. Richie and Eddie looked confused for a moment before Stan started walking towards the front of the room; towards the new kid.

~

The soft murmuring of the class just made Bill focus more on his book. What he wasn’t expecting was the much louder cacophony of chairs moving and stuff being put down. Bill immediately turned bright red after he looked up. There he was, the handsome stranger, right in front of him. After he smiled, Bill felt like he was going to melt.

“Hello. My name is Stanley Uris.” he stated as he put his hand out.

“Uh, I’m B-B-Bill De-Den-Denbrough.” Bill managed to say while shaking the boy’s - Stan’s - hand.

“I’m Richie and this is Eddie.” Richie stated.

“N-nice to m-m-meet you.” Bill said. Since none of them were particularly good at interacting with others, they sat for a few moments in awkward silence. Bill brought his eyes back to the people around him after trying to find something else to look at, only to find Stan looking back at him. A blush crept onto his cheeks and the same happened to Stan but neither of them looked away.

“So, you moved here from New York, right? How is it there? I’ve always wanted to go.” Eddie questioned.

“Th-the view is am-m-mazing and I loved it th-th-there.” he replied. They continued to talk about little things until class was over. The bell rang and Bill continued sitting, waiting for Ben to come show him to his next class. As he looked down to read his book, Stan was suddenly in front of him.

“Hey Bill. If you wanted to you can sit with us at lunch.” he said shyly, rubbing the back of his neck. The curls on his head bounced slightly and Bill couldn’t help staring for just a moment.

“Th-th-that’d be g-great.” he said as he smiled. Bill was confident he had made at least one friend now. Ben entered the classroom and walked over to Bill and Stan.

“Hey Bill! Oh, I see you’ve met Stanley.” Ben exclaimed. Stan smiled at Bill for what felt like the hundredth time and then wrapped his arm around Ben.

“Well, you see Benny, I’ve just invited Bill to sit with us at lunch. He’s already met Rich and Eddie so he already knows the trouble he’s gotten himself into.” Stan said to Ben. He nodded and then looked to Bill.

“Let’s go to second block Bill. Stan and I have the same second block so we’ll come get you so we can walk to lunch.” he explained. After they walked to his next class, Bill was left alone for an hour and a half with nobody to talk to. Most of his attention was focused on doodling Stan in the pages of his sketchbook and writing down little things he wanted to remember about him. The only thing other than this that he found interesting was the girl with fiery red hair that sat in the back of the room. She seemed… fun.

~

Stan, Ben, and Bill were walking to lunch, talking about Derry. They entered the large, noisy cafeteria and headed towards a table in the middle of the room. Bill was too busy talking to Stan to notice who was at the table when he sat down. A loud thud and even louder laughter finally managed to cut his conversation short.

“Hello everyone! They party has arrived!” Richie yelled. Bill smiled at him, happy to know that there was somebody like Richie he could be friends with. Since he was no longer talking, Bill got the chance to look at everyone at the table. Of course, Ben, Stan, and Richie were there. Richie had sat down with Eddie and the girl with red hair from his second block and it seemed like there was a broad guy at the end of the table who was there before them all.

“It’s nice to see that you’ve joined us, Big Bill. This is Miss Beverly Marsh and this is the infamous Mike Hanlon.” Richie explained. Bill chuckled at the nickname.

“W-well hello B-Beverly and M-mike.” Bill exclaimed.

“Hey, aren’t you in my second block?” Beverly asked. Bill nodded and turned to look at Mike. He had looked up from the book he was reading to talk to Bill.

“Hi. It’s nice to meet you. Also, don’t believe everything Richie says. I wouldn’t describe myself as ‘infamous’.” Mike said with a sweet smile.

“You know, Mikey, you’re the first person ever to make the varsity football team freshman year. I’d say that makes you pretty infamous. Also, you’re one of the smartest people in this school.” Richie exclaimed. He had started eating a bag of chips and was attempting to steal all of the other’s food. Mike shrugged at the comment and went back to his book.

“Richie, stop taking my food!” Eddie yelled. He was slapping Richie, trying to grab his one oreo. “You know that’s the only good food I have in my lunch!”

Richie just laughed and gave Eddie his oreo back. He grabbed Eddie around the waist and pulled him onto his lap. Eddie looked furious but made no other movement than to continue eating his food. Nobody took any notice to this but Bill smiled and covered his mouth to muffle a laugh.

After eating his sandwich, Bill looked back to Stan. It seemed like the more he got to know him, the more Bill fell for him. He now knew that Stan was Jewish, loved birds, had OCD, and was very smart. He had also learned that Stan’s smile lit up the room, Stan’s voice would constantly be stuck in Bill’s head because it was smooth and strong, breaking when he said certain words or talked too loud or broke into laughter, and that Stan loved his friends more than most things. Somehow, whenever Bill looked up at Stan, he was looking right back at him.

~

Stan hadn’t been able to take his eyes off of Bill. Someone other than the losers had made Stan happy and he wasn’t going to let that go. He knew that he was going to like Bill - maybe even love him. When Bill looked up and met his eyes, some sort of impulse washed over Stan. He heart rate was rising, his stomach was doing somersaults, and his cheeks were getting hot.

He leaned forward and so did Bill. They were so close that Stan could feel Bill’s breath on his face.

“Meet me at the baseball field after school today.” Stan whispered to him. He sat back in his seat, packed his stuff up, and walked away from the table. The smile on his face would stay there for the rest of the day. Stan was absolutely smitten and he was more than excited to see Bill after school.