#but I'm so scared; I'm so anxious; I'm terrified people will hate me for something I say

[n7viper]

I have spent too much brain power today on having an existential crisis about writing (again). partially that I'm exhausting a topic no one cares to discuss/a topic that has been exhausted and beaten to death (perhaps, but I don't mind when other people do that thing). also that I'm trying to allow myself to write small things with the micro prompts but then it's hard to convey what I want in few words. and then of course that I don't have the skill to convey what I want

[starbunii]

Can I get Baizhu, Venti, Scara, Ei, and Tenko Chabashira with a gf who's deathly terrified of storms/thunder and lightning? Like, every t8me she sees/hears it, her breath audibly hitches but she tries to pretend it's fine? I think I'm not ok, bestie 😭

# . storms 𓂃 ♥︎

𝜗𝜚 ┈ baizhu, venti, scara, ei, tenko x reader (seperate) ! ｡

notes: dude im the exact same way, thunder is litrally so scary it makes me cry everytime lasjfsf

headcanons ノ fluffノfem! reader ノcanon universe

second person pov !! please enjoy! ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶

-- ♡ --

baizhu

he's immediately taking you to the kitchen, making a calming tea as you're wrapped up in a little blanket

changsheng is waiting there with you, gently licking the tears off your cheeks, slithering on your shoulders in a way that tells you everything is ok

he'll take you to the living room after, making sure everything is well-light as he gently soothes you while you drink your tea

he's brushing your hair out of your face, telling you it's ok as he squeezes you tight, ensuring that you're safe and as close as possible

venti

he doesn't really realize what's wrong at first, only waking up once he realizes you're out of bed

he finds you down in the cellar, huddled up by wine barrels in a little blanket. you're shaking and crying and his heart just can't take it

venti will sit with you, nuzzling close as he whispers sweet nothings in your ear. he'll even pull out the lyre if you want him to, singing soft songs to get you to relax

the two of you will be found sound asleep long after the storm is over, snuggled up together. at long last, you're calm and restful

scara

scara gets it. he's terrified of the sound of thunder too. it reminds him of his mother; of every single thing he's gone through. he hates it; he hates how it reminds him of his past behavior, of who he once was..

the two of you are stuck in bed, clinging together, whimpering at every strike of lightning and clap of thunder. you're on the verge of tears, and so is he

he's practically gripping at your waist while you tug at his hair, the two of you ensuring that you stay together

eventually, you two finally talk things out, fighting through tears. after a long, anxious conversation about the weather, you're both able to fall back asleep

raiden ei

if it's thundering, she's probably upset about something. does that add another layer of fear? i don't know, you tell me

obviously, she's upset about something. something big. but once she sees that look on your face...the tears streaming down your face, the shaky hands, the way your lip trembles ever so slightly...oh, she just can't take it

the weather clears up almost immediately as she rushes to your side, hugging you tightly as her fingers card through your hair. she's fussing over you as though you've just been terribly injured

even when you're not scared anymore, she's still clinging to your side the rest of the night, even (attempting) to make dinner as an apology. it's not edible, but...it's the thought that counts?

tenko

when she sees you crying, she is immediately trying to pick a fight with whoever made you upset (yes, even if it is the sky)

upon realizing it's just the thunder and lightning outside, she quickly pulls you into bed, holding you close and rocking you gently

she's not very good at comforting people, and being so close to a girl (even if she is her girlfriend) makes her just oh-so nervous. but she's more than happy to be your knight in shining armor, protecting you from the scary storm outside

she'll yelp a bit at particularly loud strikes of thunder, but will immediately giggle after, both because of her own silliness and to make you feel a little better about being scared

starbunii 2024 — all rights reserved. do not redistribute or translate to any other platforms

[ripleylove]

You have nothing to worry about as long as I'm with you.

requested by @stellakiddsblog saying Rhea x reader They fly to Australia to tell Rheas family they are getting married and reader is terrified they won't like her

pairing: Rhea Ripley x fem reader.

genre: fluff,comfort

summary: during the way to meet Rhea's family to tell them you're getting married,you started to get a bit worried,but Rhea is quick to calm you down.

A/N: today I've wrote like 5 pages for an assignment....god give me the strength also thx @bibibi-tchx for the moral support xx <3

Also sorry if it's short!

⋆ ˚｡⋆𔓘⭒๋࣭

Your soon-to-be wife Rhea wanted to let you meet her lovely family.

It's okay,you should be happy,right?

Right.

The problem is,you were anxious. Like, you were terrified that they wouldn't approve the two of you.

You loved Rhea dearly,and you would do anything for her. So,seeing her happily telling you about her family and how she would love you meeting them for the first time, you couldn't decline her offer about going to her hometown,Australia,to meet her parents and to announce that you were going to get married.

When you nodded with a smile,she was jumping of joy, hugging you as tight as she could (and almost destroying your whole body) and peppering your whole face with kisses.

On the airplane,you just couldn't bring yourself to tell her about your worries,seeing how happy she looked. She was literally squirming in her seat from the excitement,and you didn't want to ruin it.

What if they think you're ugly?

What if they don't like you?

What if they don't approve it?

What if they will hate Rhea because of you?

What if Rhea wants to leave you?

What if,what if,what if...

Your thoughts were flooded with negativity,thinking the worst about this whole meeting. And your lover Rhea noticed this.

"Baby,are you alright? We can wait a little bit more to meet them-" She was talking with a worried tone,obviously caring about your wellbeing. "Yes,baby,I'm alright,don't worry. I'm just a bit scared" You mumbled the last part,suddenly finding the floor interesting.

Rhea fully turns towards you,combing your hair with her sharp nails.

"Scared of what,cherry?" She came closer to you and put her pointer and middle finger under your chin,raising it so you can look at her in the eyes. Your eyes,after seeing her comforting gaze and after feeling her soft digits starting to caress your cheek,started to water.

"What if they don't like me? What if they don't like us?" You said with your voice breaking mid sentence,tears now fully flowing down your eyes.

"Oh,baby. Come here,Mami is here for you." She said while opening her muscular arms,welcoming you in her warm and loving embrace,while gently kissing your head.

Her hands went on your back,tracing soft patterns, while she started talking. "Baby,you have nothing to worry about. You know that as long as I'm with you,you don't have to worry about anything. So if my family says something bad about you,I will for sure put them in their place. Also,who cares if they don't approve? I have to marry you,not them." You giggled a bit from her words,the sound quickly made the corners of Rhea's lips rise upwards.

"See? That's what I want to hear,your cute little laugh." She said while teasing you,tickling your sides. Your laugh echoed through the whole plane,and you think you'll get some complaints from other people. But who cares,you're having fun with your wife,the love of your life and you life saver.

After that,you two just cuddled,loving each other even without words.

taglist: @stellakiddsblog @bibibi-tchx

[ingravinoveritas]

Hello, lovely followers. I was traveling for work again in the second half of this past week, but I'm now home and looking forward to answering all of your Asks that I've been seeing in my inbox. I first wanted to reflect a little bit, however, because this trip was also a personal one for me.

This week's travels took me to Anaheim, California, which is where Disneyland is (I think I actually must've not been far from where David and Georgia just were, funnily enough, as my hotel was right by the park). It wasn't my first trip to Anaheim, though. The last time I was there was when I was 11 years old, on summer vacation with my dad in California while my mom was on a tour in Italy at the same time. As you'd expect, my dad wanted to take me to Disneyland...but I was too scared and overwhelmed, and we only ever got as far as the parking lot. The gates were visible, and I remember how they loomed, that feeling of something foreboding washing over me...but rather than excitement, my tiny body was filled with dread. I mentioned this while in conversation with one of the hotel employees during my stay, and he said, "What kind of kid doesn't want to go to Disney?"

What kind of a kid. Well, an autistic kid. A kid who was constantly anxious, emotional, and terrified of sensory overload. A kid who hated crowds and noise and rides. A kid who didn't travel well to begin with, because she was afraid of new places, anything unfamiliar, anything that wasn't safe and home.

A kid who was me.

Even before this, there were so many ways that the world had said "This is not for you." But still, there was something different about it happening there, in the bright California sunshine. My favorite Disney princess as a kid was always Belle, because she also loved to read and didn't fit in with the people around her. Belle connected more with books and animals than people, and that made me connect with her. But Belle was also beautiful (as Disney princesses tend to be), and thanks to the bullying from my peers, I was very aware that was something I was not. So no matter how much I wanted to be Belle, there was no way I could ever be a Disney princess.

This is not for you.

Thinking about all of this during my trip made me feel so many things, but I was most surprised to find myself feeling a sense of nostalgia in particular, a longing for the child I was, who I wish I could comfort. It also made me feel such sadness for that child and anyone else who finds themselves in a situation or a place where the world thinks they should be happy, but they're not. And there are few things more difficult than feeling that way in (of all places) "the happiest place on Earth."

I didn't end up going to Disney on this trip, even though I had a little bit of time to do so. It's still not for me, but the difference now is that I am okay with that. That need to be the kid who wants to visit Disney--the "good" child, the child who isn't "broken"--has gone away, and I'm more than happy being adult me, and finding a place that fits me, instead of the other way around.

And that was my nostalgia trip, in quite the literal sense of the phrase. I have a picture or two to share in another post, so stay tuned for that as well...

[lostbetweenvampiresandmusic]

Worlds apart

Telling his mate about his true nature didn't go as planned.

____________________

I felt terrified, standing in front of the sign. "Welcome to Santa Carla!" It said, in bright yellow and red letters. Pictures of the boardwalk, the rides, and the traintrack - things I hadn't seen in so long.

I wasn't terrified of going back to Santa Carla. In fact, I had been anxious to. I needed to get back, I needed to come home. I just didn't know if home wanted me back.

You see, about eight months ago, I met this boy. Well, he was a bit too old to be called a boy, but you get what I mean. He was this early twenty-something year old, with the prettiest eyes I'd ever seen. With stories, I could listen to for hours without getting bored. A sense of humour that matched mine. Looks that were to die for. I had met him the day I moved to Santa Carla, preparing for a new start after losing the last family I had left. Within two weeks, I had completely fallen for him, and lucky for me, he had also fallen for me.

David was everything. In such a short time, he became my safe haven, my home, my best friend and lover, and I couldn't imagine spending my life with anyone else. It scared me a little how quickly everything went, but he always reassured me that we wouldn't rush into things if I did not want to. Those six weeks were absolute heaven. I honestly believe that I have never been happier.

It was only when I spent the night at the cave, their home, that something shifted between David and me.

"I need to tell you something."

"Are you alright?"

"Sit down," he said, his voice more distant than I had ever heard before.

"David?"

"You know I love you, right?"

I nodded.

"I need to near you say it."

"I know. I love you too. David, what's going on?"

"I'm a vampire."

I was quiet for a moment before laughing. "Yeah, right. That's a good one."

"Love," he looked at me, "I am not lying."

And he wasn't. His eyes turned yellow, his face turned into a batlike shape, and his fangs seemed sharp enough to tear me in two.

"Y-you're not joking?"

"No."

"You're - you're a vampire? I- you kill people?"

"Yes."

"How long?"

"Almost eighty years."

My eyes grew wide as I felt panic wash over me. This wasn't real. This was just one big prank from the boys - there is no way that vampires were real. David wouldn't lie, not ever. He hated liars, so why-? I began to focus on my breathing, trying to calm myself down.

"Why didn't you kill me?"

"I couldn't. I could never hurt you."

"Why not?"

"You're my mate. We belong together."

And that's when I fully panicked. I got sick, I threw up, I whimpered and cried and avoided his touch out of fear. I didn't dare look at him, both scared that this was some sort of cruel joke and at the same time scared that this was real. That vampires were real.

"I- David, I- I love you, I really do, but this - how can this be real? I don't believe - if this is real, if you are speaking the truth..." I fell silent, not knowing what to say.

"I am not lying to you, love."

I nodded, tears in my eye. "I need time. I - I don't know if I can deal with this right now. Not without being unfair and mean and cold to you. Im scared, and I..." The first teardrop fell. I - I'm sorry."

David nodded, getting what I was hinting at. He reached for me, holding my hand before letting it go with a soft squeeze. After losing my family and not actively dealing with that, the news of my boyfriend being undead was the final drop in the already close to overflowing bucket.

"You need to take your time and space. Just-" he took a breath, "Please stay in touch."

I had nodded, and I had left him there. Six months ago now. In that time, I had taken my space, literally. I had been afraid still and had gone to Sweden - enjoying the days where the sun wouldn't set. It felt safe. Safe from vampires and monsters, and it allowed me to deal with things. Two weeks after I had left, I wrote my first letter. I had it delivered at the videostore, hoping that David would get it. And he did, because after a week I had a response from him.

In the letters I sent him, I told him where I was, what I had been up to. I asked questions about him being a vampire, and slowly but surely, I came to terms with it. Still, I felt rather confused. I got why he hadn't told me about it from the start, and at the same time, the lying also hurt. But, in the end, I dealt with my family passing, I dealt with my mixed feelings about him being a vampire, and I was ready to go back.

And now, six months later, I was ready to go back home. I realised I had been unfair to him, that I definitely hurt him - which was not what I had wanted, absolutely not, but back then, I had been certain that I needed the space - and I was terrified to see him again. What if he didn't want me anymore? Or what if he moved on? Honestly, if he had, I couldn't blame him. I had been the one to leave.

With a deep breath, I started the short walk to the boardwalk, spotting David when he left the videostore.

"Nothing?" I heard Dwayne ask.

"No. I shouldn't have let them go. I should have gone to bloody Sweden as soon as I knew they were there."

He stomped off to the beach, and I quickly followed. Seeing him now made me realise not only how much I had missed him but how much he had missed me as well. I walked after him, stopping quickly as David turned around angrily.

"Why are you following -" his expression softened, and disbelief flashed over his face. "You're here?"

"Hi," I whispered, not trusting my voice to let any louder noise escape.

David hugged me tightly, and I broke down - crying as I held onto him. "I'm sorry I left, I'm so sorry I was so stubborn. I missed you so much, I-" I gasped for breath, sinking down to the ground. David held me, and I saw some tears burning in his eyes.

"I thought you'd never come back. I was scared you wouldn't."

"I was scared you'd be angry," I said softly, looking at him. "I'm sorry for how I left."

"I'm sorry I scared you so bad."

"Can we start over?" I asked. "Just try to rebuild what we had? If - if you want me still, that is."

"Yes," David smiled, kissing my forehead softly. "Nice to meet you, love."

I smiled shyly. "I promise I won't ever run off to a place with no nighttime again."

"Next time, I'll just follow you. The burns will be a testament of my love."

I kissed him, softly and gently, smiling when he returned the kiss. Nothing could show him how much I regretted leaving, how much I had missed him - but being here felt right. Being with him felt right. I just hoped he felt the same.

[linawritestwst]

rollo x reader who's scared of magic headcanons (gn!reader)

so. here i am, writing this HJSJDJDSJ. but i actually wanted to write something with rollo for a long time and i thought that i can wait until this event ends.. but i'm too impatient, haha. also yeah, if you haven't read the event story yet, these headcanons are full of spoilers!

okay, so i probably should explain this concept. you see, i know that this fandom usually depicts mc as someone who is 100% against rollo's actions and wants to protect their friends AND THAT'S COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDABLE, but one day i sat there and was like.. "but what if mc wasn't like that". what if mc was so tired of everything and they were so traumatized because of everything that happened that they became scared of magic? what if they even hate it now? you can imagine the reader being someone who loved magic and was interested in it, but eventually became terrified of it because of their trauma or you can imagine them being someone who found this world too scary from the start. also, they don't like nrc students that much (but they don't want to admit it) and pretty much get a corruption arc, so if you don't want to read something like that.. you should probably skip this one.

if you want to read something similar (but more.. uh, comforting), but with other characters, feel free to check out my riddle, leona, azul and jamil x reader who's traumatized from overblots headcanons!

warnings: a mention of a panic/anxiety attack, a possibly unhealthy relationship dynamic, mc's behavior is also very similar to ptsd.

♡ you know that so many people would go "i wish it were me" if you told them about everything that happened with you in this world called twisted wonderland. come on, you have a cute cat sidekick (who acts more like a gremlin), you get to see so many pretty boys every day and this world also has magic! why wouldn't you want to stay here? sure, you miss your family and friends, but also you have to agree that this world is more fun than the one you came from. you agree, right, y/n?.. you wish you could say that you do, but you're not so sure anymore. living in twisted wonderland sounds fun, it really does, but you never felt so stressed and anxious in your entire life. you wanted to help these boys, you wanted to understand them, but you didn't want to become their therapist. you have your own problems, you just want to go back home already, you miss your loved ones! and as you kept trying to help everyone and you saw just how dangerous their magic can be.. you started to get more and more scared of it.

♡ you don't want to go to nbc at all at first. you don't find it as exciting as others do and you agree only because crowley told you that you might find out how to go back to your world there. and you knew well that crowley is most likely lying to you again, but.. what's the point in refusing to go? if you agree to visit the city of flowers, you won't find any hints there, but if you stay here, you also won't find any hints. you're tired of your dorm and this school in general, so maybe going to a new place will make you feel better. also you just want to get a break from seeing crowley's face every day and you sure hope that you won't find another student to take care of there.

♡ when you meet rollo for the first time, he feels like someone who's completely different from nrc students. sure, you can definitely feel that there's something.. off about him at first, but he seems like such a polite and caring person that you stop thinking about it at some point. but rollo officially gains your trust when he says that it must be tiring for you to be surrounded by magic users all the time. you don't think anyone from nrc has ever said such a thing to you, you know that they care about you, but most of the time it felt like you were just being used and people rarely asked you about your own feelings. honestly, you feel like you're about to cry when you hear those words from him but you try to stay calm. it's probably not a good idea to tell him about everything that you had to go through, you literally just met him! and why did he just say that he wants you to forget about your problems while you're here? this.. this doesn't feel right. why is he so nice to you?

♡ you notice that even though rollo is mostly nice to everyone here, he definitely treats you better than other students. you don't know the reason, but you're not sure that you even want to know it. yes, you've been manipulated quite a lot of times in the past, but.. you don't really have any energy to try and "see right through him". even if he just wants to use you, for some reason you just can't bring yourself to care. it's probably because you find people being genuinely nice to you more surprising than people manipulating you. so for now.. you want to believe that he really is just that kind. you have some very nice and interesting conversations with him and you find yourself enjoying spending time with him like this. you don't even want to go back to nrc students, haha.. it was a joke, but for some reason your anxiety comes back when you see their faces again. hm? what did rollo say just now? it sounded a bit like "those magic users.." but why did he say it in such an angry tone?

♡ you really want to have fun at the festival, but you just.. can't. you feel too tired, everyone is so loud and noisy and you can't focus on anything. you want to dance with everyone as well, but for some reason, when you see them having fun together.. you remember all the overblots, you remember all the times you had to do crowley's job, you remember all the tragic backstories that you had to listen to. but before you can stop thinking about all that and join them even though you can't even stand properly.. the fireworks start. you know that malleus just wants to make the townspeople happy and you agree that they deserve to have the best festival ever, but also, everything is even more loud now because everyone decides to join malleus. they even manage to turn this into a competition. haha, nrc students never change, do they? you wish you could laugh about it, but for some reason you can't even smile right now. what is wrong with you? why are you feeling like this? shouldn't you find these fireworks as beautiful as everyone does? these boys are trying so hard, you should compliment them for their efforts! grim and malleus especially want to hear compliments from you, considering that they're the ones who started it, but you can't say anything nice to them right now.

♡ for some reason, it gets harder for you to breathe and your head starts spinning. it's probably because the noise is too overwhelming for you, you could try and go somewhere more quiet but you can't just leave them here! but why.. why is everything so scary right now? you're so mad at yourself for not feeling as happy as everyone else, but after everything that you had seen, it's impossible for you to see magic as something good. you can't focus on anything else right now and your mind is screaming at you, begging you to run away and hide somewhere, but you still sit there and watch everyone. but you didn't know that somebody else has been watching you all this time too.

♡ you find it strange that the only thing that you can hear clearly right now is rollo telling malleus that if he and other students are so powerful, then they should use their magic more carefully. you feel so shocked, you didn't expect someone like him to say such a thing. it would be normal for someone like trein to say it, he's your professor, of course he would be worried and he would tell everyone to be more careful with their magic. and you already had a feeling that rollo is a very responsible person so you weren't surprised when you noticed that he doesn't really like the fireworks, but for him to say something like this.. you can't help but agree with him.

♡ after he's done talking to malleus, he wants to make sure that you're okay and when he looks at you, it becomes obvious to him that you're not okay at all. he sincerely apologizes to you for letting something like this happen and says that he should have noticed that you're not doing so well. rollo helps you find a little more calm and quiet place even though that's pretty hard to do right now because of the festival, but to be honest, you feel more safe already because of him. while you're trying to calm down and you're starting to breathe normally, rollo suddenly asks you, don't you think that magic is too dangerous and people can't just use it as carelessly as those students did? you can easily hurt someone with it and not all magic users can control it, some of them don't even try, they don't care what happens to other people. maybe this world would be better without magic users.. no, it would totally be better without them.

♡ he wants to hear your answer and you don't know what to say. no, actually, you do know what you want to say, but you're not strong enough to do it. saying those words would feel like betraying everyone else, yes, you're terrified of magic, but you don't want all of your friends to disappear! "friends".. you don't know if you actually would call them friends if those magicians weren't your only company in this world. you try to say that magic is not that bad, but something stops you. you try to say those words, but you realize that you can't because that would be a lie. you have thought many, MANY times that everything would be so much better if magic didn't exist. it's not only because of overblots and other terrible things, it's also because you wouldn't come to this world if it wasn't for magic. this is why you still can't go back home.

♡ you still can't find the courage to say that you think rollo is right, so you end up crying and you keep saying how scared you are and how tired you are. you blame yourself for crying in front of him, because you don't want to make him worry about you, but also, finally letting your feelings out like this feels nice. you needed to cry, you needed to admit that you find this whole situation terrifying and that you want all of this to end. you don't notice rollo looking confused for a second, it's almost like he's not sure what he's supposed to do, but when you look up at him, he's already holding you in his arms. and you realize that you needed someone to hug you like this for a long time.

♡ when rollo tells you about his plan, at first you think that it's a bit too much. you agree that this world would be much better without magic, but taking their powers like this.. you ask rollo if they're really gonna be okay after that, especially the fae students. rollo simply says that you're too kind for villains like them and that you don't have to care about them this much, they don't deserve your sympathy. after everything you've done for them, they are the ones who should feel sorry and beg you to spare them. you still don't want to hurt them too badly, but also.. maybe you and rollo really should teach them a lesson. it's fine, they are gonna be fine, you're doing this to save them, it's not your revenge or anything like that.. at least that's what you want to think and rollo assures you that you two really are going to save them and that your intentions are pure. it feels weird to hear just how much rollo wants to change this world and that you two are the only ones who can truly understand each other even though he's still a magic user himself and you are a magicless human. him meeting a human, who hates magic as much as he does and you meeting a magic user, who is willing to make this scary and cruel world a better place for you.. haha, you two are basically soulmates.

[topazadine]

Ah I feel like I should reintroduce myself

Mostly because I kinda forgot what I said in my last one.

Look it's my dog Clark and my giant stuffed duck Ahiru-san (of Bizenverse fame, yes I bought the stupid fictional duck)

Anyway, basic points:

Cam

Ohioan (most important identity)

She/her pronouns

Fantasy author

Pit bull mom

SEO writer

Lesbian

Bipolar

But wait there's more

My hobbies other than writing, in order of how much I manage to do them

Staying up really late

Fighting with people on the internet

Walking my dogs (is that a hobby?)

Yelling at my plants to grow faster

Knitting

Horseback riding

Rock climbing (new! I am still bby)

Photography

Dollhouses

Kayaking

Traveling to underappreciated places

Activities I am fascinated by but do not understand whatsoever (if you have tips or do these things tell me pls)

Archery

Mounted archery

Caving

Ukulele

Embroidery

Spinning yarn

Things that I am deeply curious about

Caves

Superstitions

Human psychology

International conflict

Comparative mythology

Cryptids/ghost stories

Cults (but not joining them)

Bizarre deaths (especially stuff like cave diving deaths)

Stuff I have written that you should read

9 Years Yearning

The Lucretia Cycle

A lot of stuff on AO3

My sorta defunct blog (I moved back to Tumblr lmao)

Medium posts

Random facts about me that no one cares about

I have double eyelashes and a chest tattoo that says "Death to Rapists" in Latin Additionally, I have dyscalculia, which makes it almost impossible to learn languages or play a musical instrument because Brain Don't Work That Way. So it is annoying when people screech about monolinguals and say we're all lazy or whatever. I've tried multiple times to learn multiple languages and it simply does not work. Get off my back pls (random pet peeve) I studied abroad in Scotland on the prestigious Gilman scholarship and it radicalized me against England The main reason I did my Master's degree in International Relations is because they offered me a free year of tuition. This radicalized me against becoming a politician. As an aside, I did my Master's thesis on international human trafficking. Multiple people have told me I'm like a herding dog because I need to be doing something and get sad if I don't have a task My greatest fear is being electrocuted by stepping into a puddle after a rainstorm I get anxious going to the grocery store but have no problem with public speaking (strange) My favorite job I've ever done was an internship working with refugees (love) My dream vacation would be visiting the lava tube caves under Aokigahara, climbing through Buddha's Nostril in Nara, and then petting all the nice deer at Nara Deer Park I would also like to visit Mongolia and eat all their yummy snacks My most hated household chore is laundry Last year, when I went to Blood Prison, I cried because I didn't get scared and it's supposed to be one of the scariest haunted houses - I have a bizarre immunity to haunted houses because I can't suspend my disbelief Whenever I am in pain, I completely forget about the existence of NSAIDs and instead bitch about being uncomfortable until someone (usually my mom) reminds me that modern medicine is real and may in fact have solutions One time I stapled through my hand with a staple gun because I was trying to repurpose a cabinet drawer into a scratching post for my (now deceased) ferrets I am terrified of amusement park rides where you go up in the air but you don't have your feet on anything, like Windseeker at Cedar Point. My primal lizard brain craves the ground. But rock climbing is fine.

Yeah so that's it thanks

[lambertdiary]

In The Woods - Halloween Special

Summary: A camping trip adventure turned into a nightmarish ordeal, forever etching the woods into their memories as a place where darkness concealed the unknown.

Word Count: 3.3k+

Warnings: angst, stablished relationship, anxiety, mentions of The Further

A/N: I KNOW it's a couple of days late and it's not Halloween anymore, but I still wanted to share this piece with you guys! I liked it when I initially started writing it but I'm not sure how I feel about the result, so please let me know what you think!!

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Dalton had never gone camping before, but it was his girlfriend’s favourite activity and he couldn't bear to disappoint Y/N, so he reluctantly agreed to the trip she so eagerly invited him to.

He wasn’t scared or worried something bad would happen, but anytime he thought about the suffocating darkness surrounding them in the woods, there was a tiny part of him that felt anxious about going.

Not that he would ever tell anyone, he wouldn’t want the people he’s camping with to know his deal with the darkness and demons of The Further, especially not Y/N, and considering she had no idea about his ‘gift’ and what he went through before meeting her, he just kept it to himself. 

He closed the door anyway, so he shouldn’t be worried about something following them and possibly taking advantage of the vast darkness of whatever lonely forest they’d spend the night in, right?

“I think that’s all of them” Dalton put the last bag on the trunk of his car, turning to face his girlfriend as he closed it.

“Thank you for coming with me” She smiled at him as she came closer, her arms going around his neck “I know it’s Halloween but-”

“Hey, I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Who cares about Hallween anyway?” Her smile grew bigger, and he placed a quick peck on her lips before getting into the car.

It wasn’t a long drive, maybe about 40 minutes to make it to the national park where they would camp and he hated to admit that his nerves were growing, and it was getting harder to push those feelings away, but he was trying really hard to. The main reason was that he didn’t want her to find out and feel like she was unsafe around him, the woods are scary as it is and adding terrifying beings to that only made it worse. He tried to maintain his composure, the last thing he wanted was for her to feel like something was wrong, though his unease was palpable.

“Are you okay?” Y/n asked him, pulling him out of his thoughts “You’re acting weird”

“Yeah, I’m okay. Sorry, I’m just focusing on the road, I’ve never been here before”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, don’t worry about it” He gave her a quick reassuring glance, briefly placing a hand on her thigh before returning it to the wheel “What were you saying?”

“That my friends will be joining us tomorrow, so it’s just the two of us tonight”

“Just the two of us?”

“Yeah” Y/N studied his face for a moment. Since the moment they got into the car, she had been getting a feeling he didn’t wanna go camping, his worried face validating her suspicions “You know we don’t have to go tonight, we can go back to campus and come back tomorrow when everyone else is there”

“No!” He was quick to reply “Y/N, I’m okay. We’ll be okay” He said that last part almost as if he was trying to convince himself.

“I just wanna know that you’re 100% sure-” “I am. Since when are you scared of camping?” “I’m not, but I know you’ve never been camping before, so it’s normal to feel intimidated by the experience”

“Okay, maybe I feel a little intimidated, but I’m with you and that always makes me feel better”

Once they got there, Dalton carried most of the stuff they brought, letting her guide the way to the campsite. They walked for a bit, immersing themselves deep into the forest until she found a perfect spot to set everything up.

They arrived at their campsite just as the sun dipped below the horizon, casting long, eerie shadows in the dense woods. Y/N was overflowing with excitement, eagerly helping Dalton pitching their tent while Dalton anxiously surveyed the surroundings. 

“Why don’t we set up the campfire? It’s getting dark” Y/N said as they finished setting up their tent.

“Yeah, I’ll go find some logs” Though he tried to cover it up, she could tell that he was nervous.

“I’ll go with you, they might be a little heavy for you” She teased, trying to lighten up the mood.

“Oh, and you’re gonna help me carry them?”

“Yeah, someone strong should”

He pretended to be offended, gasping in indignation “Do my arms look weak to you?” Dalton playfully flexed his biceps for a few seconds, earning an eye roll from Y/N but she couldn't hide her blushing face, making Dalton smile “I guess that’s a no”

They only had to walk for a short while until they found a bunch of logs scattered in the uneven ground, so she started stacking as many logs as Dalton could carry in his arms, enough to bring back for the fire.

“So how come your friends aren’t coming tonight?” He asked all of the sudden as he held the logs Y/N was giving him.

“They had a Halloween party tonight, I doubt it was so important that they couldn’t cancel it but whatever”

“Maybe it was just like Chris’ party” He joked. Y/N excitedly invited her to join them in their camping trip, but she immediately said no, reminding them of the amazing costume parties she promised she'd go to, and she couldn’t possibly miss any of them.

“Yeah. I didn’t think she’d come though, she’s not a fan of the outdoors”

“Neither am I, but I’m here”

“Well, you’re my boyfriend, you kinda had to be here” She joked, placing another log on his arms and standing on her tiptoes to kiss him on the cheek.

“Let’s get these logs back to the camp, yeah? These are getting heavy”

“I thought your big arms could take a few logs” Y/N started walking back to the campsite, a playful smile appearing on her face.

“To be fair you said you’d help”

“Do you want me to help?” She stopped walking and turned to face him. Dalton shook his head in response “I can carry these for you” She said as she got closer to him, pretending to reach for the logs in his arms. “No, I got them” He took a step back “I could carry more if I wanted to but this is enough”

The two of them took the short trek back to camp, carefully deciding where they wanted to place it. Before long, the fire was burning bright, illuminating and warming up the area where their tent was.

As the moon crept higher in the sky, the temperature dropped, and the forest fell into a deep, almost oppressive silence. Dalton noticed the stillness and shivered, feeling as though the very trees were watching him. He was so immersed in his thoughts, he faintly jumped when Y/N talked to him.

“Do you remember if we packed the buns? Can’t really have hamburgers without them” Y/N was looking through their bags for the buns they packed for dinner, standing up and making her way to the fire when she couldn’t find them.

“Uh- yeah, I think they’re in my bag” He said as he looked for it “Is it usually this dark out here?”

Y/N looked at him and almost laughed, until she noticed the serious look on his face “Oh… yeah. Most of the hiking trails are illuminated but they encourage campers to set up a campfire, so it’s pretty dark”

“Oh” He replied in a low voice.

“Why?”

“Just wondering. Most of the national parks I’ve been to have lights everywhere” She could almost sense his fear, but she knew there’s nothing to worry about “Found them”

Dalton walked towards the fire, where Y/N was already opening the burgers to cook them “Thanks” She replied as she took the buns “You know it's just the wilderness, nothing to be afraid of”

“I’m not afraid, I was just curious”

One thing about Dalton, he’d never admit he’s scared “I know, I was just saying”

Soon, the two of them were sitting around the fire, happily munching on their food while Y/N shared stories about her previous camping trips, carefully leaving out the embarrassing parts, and Dalton was happily listening to them.

“I used to be scared of everything at night so I’d just stay in the tent while everyone else had fun around the fire” Dalton asked her for an explanation with a look “I didn’t wanna see things moving in the woods”

“Why? Did something like that ever happen?” 

“No, or at least not for real”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean I’m sure I used to think that, but I was just letting my imagination get the best of me” She stopped for a moment before saying “That and I used to get pranked a lot, just because I got scared easily”

“Pranked?” He asked, distress evident in his voice.

“Don’t worry, that was years ago” She reassured him “They haven’t done anything like that in a while” 

He wanted to be relieved, but he was still curious “What type of pranks were they?”

“Uh- I remember one time someone was hiding behind a tree making weird sounds, and when I walked by he jumped to scare me, that type of pranks”

“Oh”

“Dalton, that was years ago” She scooted closer to him, wrapping one arm around his shoulders “Besides, it’s just us tonight, we can… you know, cuddle and kiss” Dalton hummed in response, leaning in for a kiss.

They stayed by the fire for a while, and night soon settled in, and the forest came alive with eerie sounds. Rustling leaves, distant hoots of owls, and the occasional snap of a twig added to Dalton’s anxiety. He tried to distract himself by stoking the campfire and keeping an eye on the dimly lit path leading to their campsite. He was aware that most of the sounds were common for a natural forest like that, but he couldn’t just get rid of his anxiety. 

But strange things began to happen, things that only Y/N seemed to notice. Mysterious shadows moved in the periphery of their campfire's glow. She was no stranger to camping, but she felt her heart race. She hadn’t been truly scared of her surroundings in a long time, but she was starting to feel like something was watching them. She would usually dismiss it as a figment of her imagination, convinced that it was just the dancing flames casting eerie shapes among the trees, however, this was different. 

“Do you wanna get in the tent?” She asked, ignoring the shadows around them “It’s getting late”

“Sure” He stood up and drowned the fire with water, dispersing the partially burned logs to make sure they were wet “Do you have the flashlights?”

“In the tent, hold on” Y/N used the light of her phone to see the path to their tent, finally making it to the entrance and reaching to open it, but as soon as she touched it something moved inside.

That’s weird.

She opened it slowly, repeating in her mind that the forest was full of animals that would occasionally try to steal food. Once it was open, she carefully inspected the insides of the tent, her shaky hands moving the light all over it, but it was empty.

“Hey, did you find them?” Dalton asked behind her, looking over her shoulder.

“Uh- yeah, they’re here” Y/N crawled into the tent and grabbed the flashlights, turning around to see Dalton getting in the same way “Let’s just use one of them, we don’t wanna waste any batteries”

They settled in and got ready to go to sleep, changing into their nightclothes and laying next to each other to keep their bodies warm. They talked for a while, and Dalton seemed to be fully relaxed, his fears and worries fading almost completely as he took in the wilderness surrounding them, accepting the fact that there was nothing to be scared of. Not Y/N though, it was like she absorbed every negative feeling Dalton was having and now she was the one aware of every sound and movement outside their tent, her heart racing constantly.

“I need to go to the bathroom” Dalton said as he got up and reached for a flashlight.

“Okay, let’s go” Y/N was about to do the same, but Dalton stopped her.

“Don’t worry, I can go on my own. Plus, it’s too cold outside, I know how long it takes you to warm up again. I won’t take long”

“But-”

“Y/N, it’s okay, I’ll be right back” Dalton left the tent, using the flashlight and the guiding light of the moon to make his way to the communal bathrooms.

She stayed there, watching as his shadow got further away from their campsite. Her mind was racing, jumping at everything that happened around her, but she was still trying to convince herself that it was just like any other camping trip.

It seemed to be working, until she heard a weird sound coming from one of their bags. It was like an interference. She opened it and looked for what could be making that sound, spotting a walkie-talkie and letting out a sigh of relief. Y/N picked up the walkie talkie, bringing it closer to her ear, she turned up the volume for a moment, but just as she was about to turn it off she heard something else, it sounded like a… voice.

She pressed a button and asked “Dalton?” 

She was trying to remember if Dalton took a walkie-talkie with him, but her soul almost left her body when she found the other one. She heard the voice speak again, this time longer sentences instead of just a word, she didn’t recognise it and she had no idea what it was saying, which only made it worse. She turned it off hoping the whispers would stop, however, as the minutes passed, the whispers on the walkie-talkie grew louder and more distinct. Unintelligible voices seemed to be speaking in an unfamiliar language. Y/N clutched the walkie-talkie tightly, but she threw it somewhere in the tent when she heard her own name, her fear growing intensely.

Suddenly, she noticed a shadow getting closer to the tent. She allowed a small smile form in her face, opening the tent to let her boyfriend back in.

"Dalton-" But as soon as she caught a glimpse of the outside, the shadow disappeared, and the voice said her name again.

She put on her shoes and took a flashlight, leaving the tent and the talking device behind as she looked for the bathrooms.

“Dalton!” She yelled, her voice echoing through the trees “Dalton!” She repeated a little louder, but she didn’t get a response. 

Y/N didn’t remember the communal bathrooms being this far away from their tent, but it felt like she had been walking for a few minutes and she still hadn’t found them. A weak feeling in the pit of her stomach grew with each step and sweat covering her body even in the cold night. It only took another minute until she finally saw Dalton walking towards her.

“Dalton” She exclaimed in relief, quickly cutting the distance between their bodies.

“Y/N, are you okay?” He asked, worried something happened while he was gone “What’s wrong?”

“What took you so long?” Y/N hugged him tightly, the fear leaving her body for a couple of seconds.

“What do you mean? I’ve been gone for like two minutes”

“No, I’ve been looking for you for the last five minutes” She pulled away to look at him, his eyebrows coming together as he tried to decipher if it was some kind of prank “I- I started to hear things and then I heard one of the walkie-talkies, it was like a- a voice and I swear it said my name” She explained with a shaky voice.

“Those thing pick up on anything, don’t worry about that”

“No, Dalton I’m telling you, it was not picking up other signals, I- I turned it off and it was still talking. I don’t know what it was saying and- and I don’t know who it was but that’s not normal”

“Where is the walkie-talkie?” He asked, aware of his fear coming back to him.

“I left it in the tent. There’s something watching us, we’re not alone. Baby, you have to believe me”

Just as Dalton began to question the whispers himself, a gut-wrenching scream pierced the night. Both of them jolted, their hearts pounding in their chests. Their flashlights illuminated the dark woods as they rushed towards the source of the sound.

The horrifying scene they stumbled upon sent shivers down their spines. Their campsite was in shambles, their belongings scattered, and their tent was torn to shreds. It was as though a malevolent force had descended upon them, leaving chaos in its wake.

Terror washed over Dalton again, and he could no longer deny the eerie reality of their situation. They were not alone in the forest, and something unnatural was lurking in the darkness.

“We have to go” He looked for his bag in the mess, trying to find the keys of his car. Y/N was helping him, and at the same time she was looking for the walkie-talkies, but they were nowhere to be found. 

Weird sounds were coming from everywhere, the rustling of the leaves and the swishing of the branches sounding more sinister than normal, but they eventually turned into whispers, the same ones Y/N heard before.

“I found them!” She yelled, turning to Dalton and running towards him.

Dalton took the keys and held Y/N’s hand, whispering soft calming words before running out of the campsite.

Desperation fueled their every step as they stumbled deeper into the woods, trying to find their way back to safety. But as they fled, the malevolent force continued to pursue them, the whispers growing more sinister with each passing moment.

In the pitch-black darkness, they couldn't see what was pursuing them, but they could feel its presence, an otherworldly malevolence that threatened to consume them. Except Dalton did recognise what was stalking them, a very familiar being that hadn’t stopped looking for him and the people he loved for as long as he can remember, and he was cursing himself for putting her in danger.

They were hoping they were close to the exit, but none of them could think clearly enough to know where they were supposed to be headed, their minds consumed by their suffocating fear, so they just clung to each other.

Then, just as they were on the verge of despair, a blinding light pierced through the trees. Y/N recognised it instantly, the lights were coming from the big sign that marked the beginning of the trail, meaning Dalton’s car was parked just a few metres away from them.

“We’re close” Y/N picked up her pace, dragging her feet closer to the source of light. The relief in both of them was noticeable when they finally made it out of the woods, running to the car when they saw it. They got in and Dalton immediately turned it on, driving away as fast as they could. 

They stayed silent for a moment, trying to process what just happened and bringing their breathing back to normal.

“I’m sorry, this is my fault” Dalton broke the silence.

“What? No” Y/N said confused.

“I should’ve told you-”

“Dalton, of course this isn’t your fault-”

“We need to talk” He interrupted her “There’s a lot you don’t know about me”

Dalton reassured her he would explain everything once they got back to campus, and he tried his best to promise everything would be okay. Y/N was confused and scared, she didn’t understand what Dalton was talking about but he seemed to be scared too, so she wanted to be there for him no matter what.

After all, they had just witnessed the unexplainable, and she knew it would leave a lasting scar on their souls forever.

Thank you so much for reading! Please let me know what you think, likes and reblogs are highly appreciated!!

[frogoru]

i think i've been able to stay relatively calm about my faith as of recently (i had a small freak out period a little while back about homosexuality but i've mostly gotten over it) but i keep finding myself wondering about what's going to happen to me if everything i'm continuing to indulge in is like... actually a sin. i like to cherry pick the bible and i know that's frowned upon but i don't think i could live under those kind of restrictions, and i've been doing well and content in doing so but what if?? what if.

i keep finding it difficult to call myself a christian since whenever i do it, i feel ashamed because the whole point of being one is that you're supposed to base your life around christ's teachings... which i am clearly not doing!! homosexuality is the main thing i struggle with stressing out about but lust in general is a huge one and all the other temptations that people deal with on the daily and although i limit myself a healthy amount i don't really acknowledge it as me sinning usually because i have a "this is normal" mindset but what if this is all going to contribute to me being turned away and eternally damned.

i don't think i can fully grasp the concept of being damned to hell. when i was little i was scared of going there but for a majority of my life i've been in a state of spiritual decline and now that i'm catching up on everything again i feel like the time i spent not worrying about it is all pouring onto me now and it's so!! man!! so many things in scripture don't make sense to me and i hate that they don't make sense because if i want to be a believer, then i need to... like... BELIEVE, but it's so hard. i'm so jealous of people who are easily accepting of it because I WANT THAT i want that unwavering faith. i want that sense of security. i want to be able to believe that God loves and wants what's best for me but i don't and i hate it.

i liked to imagine that the things that bother me about the bible were added in by people wanting to corrupt it but if each translation basically gets at the same thing then i'm pretty sure i'm wrong about that. i try to dance around how a large part of myself is seen as immoral and an abomination to the religion i try to put my faith in but i keep encountering instances where it's hammered into my mind and i hate it so much. i hate that something so beautiful can be seen as wrong in the eyes of an all-loving god. i don't understand how god is all-loving when he's allowed so much pain and suffering to overtake the world and i don't understand why he can't just change things himself if he's the creator of everything. that's so blasphemous to say but that belief is so hard to go by with just your faith as your guide.

it makes me so upset to know that no matter how good of a person i try to be, it just isn't enough to gain salvation on my own. i love jesus as anyone else would but the notion of having to submit and obey a set of rules in order to have eternal life and not go through an eternity of suffering after i die makes me feel odd and i wish it didn't. it feels so constraining in a bad way and i wish it didn't!! i had to read an article a while ago about how god's love is supposed to feel constraining and i was like wow this is so sick and awesome what a cool way to put it but when i actually think about how i would apply that to my life it feels... CONSTRAINING OBVIOUSLY!! because so many of my interests and things that make me human are based around sin

i'm going out of my way to continue sinning and i probably won't stop anytime soon. it's so hard. i used to be so proud and happy in my attraction to women but now it feels like such a sensitive topic that i need to keep secret or else the people i know and admire in my personal life will judge and pity me. i'm so anxious about them finding my online presence and realizing how fucking weird i am because a handful of people i know in real life regard me very positively and i'm so terrified of having that image shattered.

i'm going to continue acknowledging that god loves me despite the things i surround myself with and indulge in. i feel so pathetic talking about this kind of thing because on one hand i don't want my religious friends to know because ermmm jazzy why are you rebelling against god knowingly?? not good not good. i hate the thought of being judged for this

[mari-lair]

If Aoi met any AUs. What kind of, would she meet...? (Like how her boyfriends did)

I'm glad you asked, I have many thoughts about Aoi's own dimension-hopping adventure! Here is a summary of her journey:

World 1 is wonderful, if overwhelming. It's the 80s and she has many friends, familiar ones (Nene) and new ones too (Mei, Sakura), who can talk to her about silly and serious stuff alike. People greet her with a smile, happy to see her, and worried too, commenting about how closed off she is today. Akane is her boyfriend, and he is the same as always, except he loves gardening, as careful with his garden as he is with her. They have plans of opening a flower shop together, he even has a jar half filled with money in his house for the shop.

Part of Aoi is tempted to stay forever in this beautiful dream, but she doesn't know these people, even Akane, her constant since childhood, feels strange and she feels like she doesn't deserve any of it, running off when she sees this world's version of herself. People are confused and startled when they realize she is not from this dimension, but they help her get out. No hard feelings. She takes flower seeds with her.

World 2 Aoi is dating Shijima (No.4, the supernatural one). She has never seen Shijima Mei before, she just knows her from the rumors. It's weird to have this strange girl know her so well. Aoi assumes they are besties for a while and gets a '???!!!!!' moment when she visits Shijima's atelier and sees so many paintings of herself, some are very tender drawings of them together, but most are of just her. Her in cities, in the stars, in creepy buildings she recognizes from horror movies and games, in the center of a concert spotlights, and so on... She learns this world's Aoi used to be in the hospital, and Shijima used to draw her in different places to make her feel better, not judging any of her requests, be them cute or creepy. By the end of this trip, Aoi will forge a strong bond with Shijima before meeting this world's Aoi and panicking. She is given a small portrait of her with a bedhead and an unrestrained smile as a farewell gift, Aoi tried to refuse the embarrassing gift but Mei insists.

The last dimension has her favorite flowers on every street, it's like the city was tailored for her, but it feels off... This city is ruled by an overpowered Aoi who is a twisted mirror of her insecurities, always at her worst: She is paranoic, open in her mistrust of others, and far more controlling of her loved ones. People don't talk behind her back, but they visibly fear her, she is respected but she is avoided, Akane is the only one by her side, as devoted as ever, but something about him feels as unsettling as this brand new world. It doesn't take long for canon Aoi to realize that despite feeling as deligent and kind as usual this Akane is alone, people are terrified to approach him. He is obedient even when she can tell he is scared/uncomfortable, and get anxious if she acts nice. Aoi hates it. She hates this world's Aoi more than she hates herself.

This world's Aoi would kill her on sight. It's a scary experience that makes canon Aoi rethink a lot about her life and her own relationships. The new dimension Akane is an ally to Canon Aoi, being the best at hiding her cause 'he know how his Aoi work better than anyone' but he is not very trustworthy, he may not want Canon Aoi dead, but he is loyal to his Aoi first and foremost. Aoi doesn't trust him. This world's Aoi and Akane are not dating but they do have a fucked up "she has a tracker on me, I am the only one who can make her cry" thing going on that scare the hell out of canon Aoi. She gets nothing as a farewell gift.

(This dimension has similar vibes to my Wonderland AU, if you like toxic aoikane)

[sunarots]

hate you?

koushi isn't really sure on what it is that daichi and asahi are talking about because his eyes are fixed on you on the other side of the room. he's wondering what it is you're talking to kiyoko about, what kiyoko could possibly be saying to have you laughing as hard as you are. but he's not mad about it in the slightest. in fact, his heart is stuttering even though he can't hear you over the blaring music, because the smile on your face has him swooning much too hard to be able to hear anything over the beating over his own heart.

he's pretending to listen to the conversation between his friends and nods his head to whatever daichi says, but he's forced to finally divert his attention when there's an arm around his neck urging him to his feet. koushi looks at asahi in surprise and before he knows it his feet are moving in time with his friend's right towards

you.

and even though he's held plenty of conversations with you over the years of high school, it's nothing new, but now that he's seeing you so close to graduation and he may not see you again for a long time? it's terrifying. fear bubbles in his stomach when he stands in front of you and kiyoko with asahi and daichi on either side of him to prevent him from running, and it's only now ringing in his mind what it was daichi could have said, and they all involve something that makes him wish he had shaken his head instead.

you smile at him with a greeting and his head whirls at a million miles a minute because your smile is the most magical thing he's seen in his life. he smiles back at you and he knows it's nothing compared to yours, not with the way your eyes still seem to sparkle even under the led lights of the party.

your lips move and you ask a question that he doesn't hear. koushi clears his throat and apologises, asking you to repeat yourself.

you smile again and he has to will himself to listen to what it is you actually say. "do you want to get some air?"

and he does, he really does. because even when he's trying to pay attention he can barely hear your voice and it makes him sad because oh, he really likes your voice.

you follow him outside and there's very little people and the music is distant and he can see just how perfect you look under the moonlight and how lucky he is to stand here with you. but there's anxiety in your aura and he so desperately wants to rid you of it because why should you be anxious? it's just you two, and he could never find himself judging you.

and then you ask another question that makes his heart drop. "do you hate me?"

because those four words are horrifying for him to hear. hate you? how could he hate you? sugawara koushi adores you. his expression softens and he shakes his head slightly, a breath escaping past your lips at his gentle denial.

"because it seems a little like you hate me. you barely talk to me unless you're with daichi or asahi or i'm with kiyoko. i feel like you hate me and i don't want to leave karasuno without knowing what i did to make you hate me."

you hadn't been paying attention with your focus on getting across your point, but he's taken step after step towards you so he can finally look at you up close and he smiles.

you stop when he smiles at you because why should he be smiling when you're talking about him hating you?

"i could never hate you," he says, keeping his hands firm by his sides. "everything about you..." he takes in a sharp breath and considers stopping, but he can't let you think he hates you. "you're everything that i want."

those five words have you standing staring in surprise because you never would have thought koushi sugawara liked you. not when he can't look at you and he won't come near you unless there's a third person in the vicinity but the way his hands are on your cheeks and he's leaning in with hesitance- no, he can't hate you.

koushi sugawara can't hate you if his he's holding your face in his hands like he's scared you're going to break. no, he could never hate you when he's kissing you so softly, like he's trying to savour every moment. he couldn't hate you when he pulls away with nothing but care and warmth in his eyes.

"hate you?" he whispers, voice carried away into the night by the music. "i love you."

[aropride]

small talk is as uncomfortable for me as it is for the next guy but i think there's a lot of value in understanding it- maybe not the actual conversations themselves, and not even liking it, but understanding the intent. because allistics don't go into small talk with a mindset of "man i HATE this guy i want to make them SUFFER by asking about their WEEKEND." most of the time it comes from a place of either obligation or of kindness. and also to be clear, i know this varies culturally, so disclaimer- this is probably very influenced by being a high-masking (with dubious success) autistic american.

but i prefer to think of small talk as an act of kindness rather than a painful obligation. it's used to fill silence (generally seen as awkward) or to invite someone into a conversation if they're alone (meant to be friendly). when i was in middle school i was in a youth group (awful) that met for two hours once a week. the first half hour was designated hanging out time while people filtered in, and then we'd go into games, then church stuff and then a discussion. and during the first half hour i'd always end up standing in a corner alone, usually by the snacks so i'd have something to do.

and every week without fail people would come up to me and try to talk to me. both small group leaders and other middle/high school kids. and being a severely anxious undiagnosed autistic kid this would terrify me and piss me off because i didn't understand why they were doing it. because it felt like an imposition- yeah, i was lonely and wanted to talk to people, but i didn't necessarily want to talk to anyone specific, and it felt like they were being condescending or pitying, and i wanted to be left alone.

but to an allistic person, what i was interpreting as condescension and being put into an uncomfortable conversation, was to them a gesture of kindness. because most allistic people as far as i know wouldn't want to have to stand in the corner eating oreos every week they were forced to go to youth group. and they had no way of knowing that was my preferred option.

so we would have conversations that went something like this:

person i don't know: hi i'm jess, what's your name me (scared): hi i'm nik jess: nice to meet you nik! me (still scared): nice to meet you too (beat of awkward silence) jess (helpfully filling the silence): what grade are you in? me (realizing i have an oreo in my hand and wanting to eat it but i can't because i'm stuck in this conversation that feels like being put in a meat grinder): 6th 👍 jess: nice! whats your favourite subject? me (deeply aware of the oreo in my hand, aware that i am doing this wrong but not sure how, painfully aware of the unnecessarily loud music playing): english jess: fun! do you like reading?

And so on and so forth. it was uncomfortable for everyone involved and i could not figure out why they were asking me questions when they presumably didn't care and i didn't want to be there. and the first thing i was missing was that while they might not have cared about me as a person yet, that's what the small talk was for! so they'd get to know me more and then care what i had to say, or know that they wanted to talk to me more, etc. and the second thing i was missing was that while to me this whole ritual was sort of like being in hell being tormented by eternal hellfire, for everyone else this was normal and polite and most people would, while not enjoying the small talk itself, enjoy the thought behind it. what it's really communicating isn't a fascination with your thoughts about your classes but a "i saw you looked lonely, i have no negative feelings towards you, i'm offering my companionship and figuring out if we might be friends, as well as assuaging your discomfort with being alone"

basically it's a social script. and it's one that can be clunky and awkward (there are many memes on the topic) but that doesn't really matter to most people because the intent outweighs the execution. the words actually being said don't always even matter- "how are you?" "fine, thanks" type exchanges aren't really meant to communicate anything verbally- it's a nonverbal confirmation that you have a positive relationship with someone. which is why autistic people are often seen as rude for not engaging in it.

this is getting insanely long sorry it's just on my mind because i saw a post on instagram about how autistic people don't like small talk because it's inauthentic, and i don't think that's really true. i think that small talk can be authentic, and i think that autistic people don't like small talk because it's deeply uncomfortable for a lot of us. it's a helpful social script to understand conceptually, even if it sucks

[musicismymoirail]

Since I've back on my Infamous kick, I decided to sit down and try to actually figure out Fel's look. I really wanted him to have full silver hair, but it wasn't working for me so black sides for a nice contrast? I like it a lot more, and it still fits his 'very much in love and inspired by moon thanks' vibes, lol.

I also feel a touch bad for him because boy is majorly dysphoric when people can see his freckles and natural hair color, but that's gonna be hard to hide while on a tour bus and in front of cameras constantly. I don't think anyone outside of the band has seen either, not even Orion.

And since I did this for X.O., have some silly headcanons.

• Band is Goodbye Blue Monday. It fit him better than X.O. and I'm glad~ They're more.... indie with folky and minor punky vibes? I always imagine it's a bit like The Decemberists or meWithoutYou's It's All Crazy! It's All False! It's All a Dream! It's Alright album?? Like, this song is super Fel! c:

• Fel claims he was a remarkably stupid child, and his main story to back this up is when he was super young, he was terrified of darkness. He thought the moon was too, since it disappeared a lot so he'd sing to it to try to make it feel less scared. Fel's origin story for his singing and song-writing is just his weird compassion and love of the moon.

• Kid went to college but dropped out pretty early into his sophomore due to his crumbling mental health and realizing how much of it was simply trying to please his folks. I imagine this Didn't Go Over Well with them (especially Mom) and it's partly Fel has no love left for them. He may be a bit of a Stepford Smiler, but even he has his limits, thanks! 💖😤💖

• He went to Harvard too, so Mom might've been doubly upset he dropped out. He had planned on eventually going to Law School, but the Band and Seven won out (and he is happier for that, despite ...everything.) That being said, I always feel like his undergrad was in comparative religious studies or something. It just feels very Fel??

• The band's big hit is based for the old fable, the Moon and Her Mother. It became a bit of anthem of shitty relationships (parents) and gaslighting. There's a healthy debate among fans if it's about Seven (and if so, if Seven's the moon or the mother), Fel himself, Fel's own parents, or if there's any true-to-life to it at all since it is based off a fable. Mainly, Fel just hated the fable and wanted to write something for the Moon …and more parental feelings slipped in then Fel realized at the time, lol. Moon's Momma is harsh and Fel didn't realize how harsh at the time. :')

• While he's good at putting on a face and playing up his flirtious and carefree personality, Fel himself is a painfully sweet and anxious soul. Growing up was a lonely experience. His family moved a lot, though always in the Boston and South Shore area, and Fel found himself more often than not bullied by his peers. Weird, stupid, freckles, shy, take your pick. Kids found a lot of flaws to constantly pick and make fun of.

• Fel does have an (obvious) crush on Orion. Orion is a very attractive and smart and dedicated and witty. And more importantly, Orion is safe. Orion tolerates him kindly, but it's nothing more than that. It helps his heart after Seven. I think when he realizes that attraction isn't as one-sided as he thinks, Fel will have an absolute freak out. "Why would you even like me?! Don't you have better taste?"

• Kid's self-image is pooooooooooor.

• Fel enjoys cooking too! There's only so many tv dinners and take-out you can eat, but Fel grew tired of them both about he was 13. He's an exceptionally good cook and baker, and loving cooking for his friends. He makes them all special meals or treats for their birthdays every year and I can't wait for him to cook for Orion for the first time. c:<!!

• Also, Fel definitely has a Thick Boston accent when he talks. He's not embarrassed by it though sometimes he hangs his head when he hits the Boston especially hard.

• Kid also digs Clefairy despite his gothy punk aesthetic, much like X.O. digs Gengar despite her opulent pink aesthetic, lol. ^^;;;

[kelpiemomma]

So at the end of last year, and I mean the very end after Christmas, I had this. Terrible anxiety. Just wretched. I woke up anxious and I went to sleep anxious. My mind kept telling me "someone you love will die this year". And I kept telling myself, it's just anxiety. It's not real, you're working yourself up, you do this every year.

On the 27th of December my grandma's sister in law died. Only a couple days past the new year her brother, my great uncle, died. Two people I was friends with at work died the first week of January. And then on the fifth of May my mother's second mother passed away.

I hadn't seen my grandma in years. I'd spoken to her over the phone, but adult life- it takes away from you. It takes your time. It takes your concentration. My mom went in and got to see her when they thought she was brain dead, but she woke up and for a minute we had hope. We knew there was a good chance she'd go downhill quick but we hoped. But in the end she went to hospice and passed. And I'll never speak to her again. She'll never send us cookies for Christmas again. I'll never hear my mom call her over the phone and sound so bright and happy.

She was family, so we helped set up her service. My brother and I were comic relief, cracking jokes and poking fun at each other. It was a somber day and we tried to not let it get the best of us all. I kept a smile on my face because it was what was needed.

But now I'm home and I hate this part about getting older. I hate knowing that people pass. I hate looking at my grandparents and parents and brother and knowing one day I will be attending their services, or they'll be attending mine. It doesn't quite terrify me but it does something similar.

I'm just. I'm sad. I'm scared. But I have to put on a brave face so I will. I just miss her. I wish I could talk to her and hug her one more time.

So just. Please.

If you haven't spoken to a loved one recently, call them. If they're close, go and give them a hug. For me. Because they deserve it, and so do you.

[rubber-glovs]

Vent post!! Sfth related

The fact that I'll see sfth live and actually be able to talk to them and give them gifts and whay not actually TERRIFIES me. Like I've NEVER experienced anything like this before, and in the past couple of weeks, I've tried to boost my confidence, but it is just terrifying to think of. I'm not saying I'm scared or think sfth will hate me, but I don't want to be seen as annoying or anything like that, I want to get Future signed by Tom but I'm worried that it'll be like I'm nagging him or something, I don't want to be rude. I'm not great with social cues or knowing what to do in most or if not all situations, and I just panic and freak out. I've always dreamed and wanted to see sfth live, just like any other fixation I've had, but it's just scary. I'm also going with my aunt and I don't want to nag her either about my interests or anything, I'm good at hiding when I'm excited about something (unless I'm alone) so it already seems like I'm not so interested when I know I will burst out into happy tears the second I see them on that stage. I know that I shouldn't be scared. They're just doing their jobs and having fun to entertain the audience, but when I have hyperfixations as strong as that, I just feel so lost. I don't know what to say, and I thought about winging it, but as time passes, my anxiety creeps up as I realise I'm so nervous and socially anxious and awkward to even talk to cashier. I feel scared and unprepared. It's blocking out all my excitement to enjoy and see the show, and I really hate that do much. I just wish I wasn't so anxious and nervous about everything. Sfth is my second biggest hyperfixation, I think about it all the time and every day, and just like my number one hyperfixation (hermitcraft/life series), everything is a reference towards it. I don't want to leave a bad impression on the people that I think about every second of my life, I'm terrified to be a bad person in front of them. And I'm not particularly a good person, I try to be, but I don't get social cues, I can't understand people easily and constantly need them to rephrase or repeat what they said, I can't express my emotions or feelings to the people I trust most in the world and I bottle stuff up a lot, it makes me do bad stuff that I don't even realise they're bad until someone tells me and I live with the grief and anger at myself for so long, most of the anger I have are from years and years ago when I've already been forgiven, but I'm still thinking about it daily and the guilt is still terribly bad. If I do something bad in front of sfth to make them hate me, I'll end up hating myself for eternity. It won't be something I'll be able to shake off easily. It's going to stick with me till the day that I die, and it scares me. I don't want to do the wrong thing, I don't want to make them uncomfortable, and I don't want to be annoying. I don't know how to act around people I'm not close to. I'm either really awkward or quiet or I don't give 2 flying fucks, and there's no in between. I normally can't control it either. It makes me upset.

[pilcrowtudinous]

tl;dr: ¶ is very very sad

Coming to Tumblr to vent (again) because I just have nowhere else to do it, you know?

I'm deep, deep in a depression hole right now. It's incredibly hard to see any kind of positive anything in my future.

Any 'goal' that I have is unattainable because of money. Even though I'm full-time employed in a job that society needs.

I can't buy a house. I can't have a pet. I can't have a kid. I can't travel.

And even if I wanted to do smaller things?

I can't drive places without feeling terrified because my car doesn't currently have a WOF because my partner keeps putting it off despite promising to get things sorted for months and months and months and putting it off and I'm too scared to leave the city by car or use it to go anywhere unless I really need to because I'm terrified of being pulled over.

I'm too socially anxious to do anything with people I don't know. And I barely have scraps of threads of people I do know to hold onto, because they all have lives and friend groups and other things that I don't.

I don't have the energy or stamina or talent to be successful as a writer in the real world.

I don't have anything to look forward to. I went on a couple of days little road trip with my mother earlier in the school holidays and I realise that looking forward to tiny little trip was maybe the one thing holding me together.

I want to exercise but I'm scared of financial commitment of gyms and social pressure of group classes and just leaving the house is too hard sometimes.

I have no 'treat' mechanism except for food, so even though I want to lose weight I don't do myself any favours there.

I don't know how to get out of this. When I had another meltdown to my partner last week, they said that I really needed therapy. But like. My response was basically how can something that I can't afford in the first place help me when all of my issues come from the fact that I'm trying to hold myself and my partner together largely on just my salary.

My partner and I have been together for nearly ten years, and we have never travelled anywhere together.

Moving cities to somewhere more affordable feels appealing but like one thing I have going for me is liking my colleagues. And shifting healthcare providers has been catastrophic for me in the past. Like, delays in getting seen landing me in ED nearly in septic shock catastrophic. I need continuity of care for my Crohn's. And moving somewhere that I don't know anyone feels like it wouldn't exactly help my gaping social inadequacies anyway.

The options seem to be: spend time in the world (IRL/online/whatever) and feel constantly inadvertently mocked by everyone who has any of the things I don't. Or hide from the world and become more of a bitter shell of a person.

I hate that all I am is a nasty, nasty jealous person. But I don't see any way that can change any time soon.

I'm so stuck, and I'm so fucking sad.