#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted

[deoidesign]

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[moonxq]

Shin Tsukimi and chronic illness as a core part of his character beliefs and motivations

While it's true that Hiyori was a big influence in Shin's life, I think Shin's health issues might have given him a jaded outlook on the world long before Hiyori entered the picture. The game points out his poor health too frequently for it to be irrelevant, so I've collected as much as I could on his physical condition for the purpose of diving into why it's a central part of his character, instead of just a minor detail thrown in!

His frailty is important enough to be called out in his character profile. It goes deeper than "Shin just doesn't eat enough" though. I believe that Shin has some kind of chronic illness—maybe more than one—that he's been dealing with his whole life, and YTTS makes the strongest case for this.

In YTTS, Shin is pained by the fact that he's always too skinny, and he admits to Kai that he's struggled with being underweight his whole life. This isn't because he doesn't want to eat, but because his body physically can't handle very many foods.

When Kai cooks something tolerable and nutritious for him, Shin gets a little carried away. He does want to eat! He gets excited when he gains even the tiniest amount of weight! It's funny to me that in his enthusiasm, he slips into his "scary personality" (he doesn't need a death game to be strange and off-putting). I think it's safe to assume that he has a stomach-related illness, at the very least.

He also has issues with temperature—most notably an intolerance to cold. He's always wearing winter clothes, and he keeps his heater outrageously high.

It's worth pointing out that he wants to keep warm to avoid catching a cold. He tells Kai in YTTS that he gets sick every winter, so his immune system isn't great. This could also be why he keeps his hands so clean—he knows how easily he can get sick and takes extra precautions to avoid it.

Though the below scene is humorous, it shows Shin's temperature intolerance in the other direction:

Steam makes him dizzy! He likes being warm, but in extremes, it looks like he can't handle heat very well either.

He gets exhausted faster than anyone else. While the characters explore and complete attractions in chapter two, Shin struggles to keep up.

While an argument could be made that he goes back to rest in his room to plot his schemes in secret, I do think he was genuinely physically drained as well. He faints while plotting his next move in the room (and gets a nightmare, but more on that later).

While his exhaustion is genuine, I think he also uses this moment of weakness to his benefit here in order to manipulate Kanna. She's afraid of losing the only person she has left, so Shin takes advantage of that fear to get her to follow along with his scheme.

Continuing with YTTS, Mishima's route further exposes and confirms that Shin struggles with physical exertion.

He can't do a single pushup, but not for lack of trying. How is he supposed to improve if he can't even lift himself off of the ground? But Mishima tells him how to modify it, and Shin takes his words into consideration. He does want to get stronger, and he starts doing squats when Mishima calls out his lack of exercise. What's funny to me is his outlandish, roundabout way of avoiding the topic of exercise or bragging about what little he was able to manage. It's also kind of sad that he didn't feel comfortable enough with himself to just tell the truth, though.

It's noteworthy that Shin takes pride in his swimming ability. For those with chronic illnesses, swimming is an excellent way to exercise without exhausting and damaging your body further. It takes all the weight and pressure off of your muscles and joints, which is especially important for dealing with and minimizing chronic pain.

When Shin attempts and fails to do a pushup, he tries to play it off like he doesn't care, but Mishima sees through him.

Shin lied about exercising out of insecurity. Here, there is no first trial, no immediate threat of death. There's just Shin, a guy who hates his own frailness, lying so that he doesn't sound pathetic to others. He doesn't need a death game to be a liar.

Another interesting thing to point out is that he's still going by Sou Hiyori in YTTS. It could be that his AI was made to do so in order to copy his death game counterpart, but it also could indicate that even without his first trial, he's going to hide behind a stronger mask in any uncertain situation—either out of fear, or a general dislike and disappointment with his own identity.

It's due to his "lameness" that Shin has an issue with putting others on pedestals. He devalues himself so much that he thinks Mishima's amazing for the simplest things.

It makes this line from Shin's nightmare (that he has after fainting from exhaustion) hurt so much more:

While it may be some strange kind of foreshadowing or a way to showcase how the AI simulations went, it could also be that this is Shin's own belief voiced through his warped perception of Sara. Throughout the nightmare, his entire perception of reality is skewed. The bleeding eyes that stare at him through the walls, his body that lies dead on the floor while a mysterious hand reaches out to him—these things did not actually happen in the game. So, this line in particular is concerning (to say the least) if it describes how he thinks of himself!

I don't think his odd behavior and mistrust towards Sara is only projection from his relationship with Hiyori, but rather from a lifelong, deep-rooted fear and jealousy of strength in others as well. That's why his first trial is so effective at breaking him. It takes these subconscious fears of his and says, hey, you're right to feel that way. You actually will be taken advantage of and die for how weak you are. It doesn't magically give him fear out of nowhere—it confirms his pre-existing anxieties to an extreme. He elevates Sara to some untouchable terrifying concept because of her survival percentage rather than a simple high school girl who is just as scared and confused as everyone else.

This tendency to put others on pedestals might be why he was so close to Hiyori. Shin claims that Hiyori "knew everything" and he admired just how knowledgeable the man was. Shin genuinely looked up to him.

The way Hiyori reacts here makes me think that Shin was pretty open with him about his health and poor self-worth. Hiyori, as much of a "scary friend" as he was, did provide comfort. There's the blanket, the reassuring hand on his shoulder, the cup in his hands, a smile on Shin's face—Hiyori tells Shin he can become the person he wants to be. If no one else believed in Shin like that before, it's no wonder he was so attached to Hiyori despite the red flags he had.

Even if this part below is a deleted scene, I think this flashback of Hiyori asking Shin how he would treat his sibling if they were younger is worth pointing out:

Shin assumes his younger sibling will have a weak disposition like him (meaning that his issues could be genetic). It also shows that Hiyori was a source of encouragement for him if he was genuinely cheering for him.

Although, he might have deepened Shin's insecurities if he focused on telling Shin to become someone worthy rather than help Shin accept himself as he already was (especially if part of what he dislikes about himself is a chronic condition).

When Shin's cornered in the first main game, he snaps and fully gives in to the warped perception of the world that he has.

He pushes his fear onto the others. You're going to die for being weak, not me! Shin Tsukimi is a man who gets sick every winter, who faints from exhaustion, who devalues himself in the face of others far more impressive than he is. Shin Tsukimi can't survive in a death game, but Sou Hiyori could—a man with a scary personality and an impressive wealth of knowledge. And so, Sou Hiyori he'd be.

At least, he tries. Despite the terrifying schemes he creates and the lies he weaves, he can't disguise his physical weaknesses. They exist to humanize him. They exist to hint that, far before his villainous persona breaks down, he's a just human being with his own limits like everyone else.

Although, I'd argue that sometimes he uses his moments of weakness as a manipulation tactic too (like I mentioned earlier with Kanna). After arguing with Sara in the first main game, he has a pretty drastic physical reaction.

I do think he was genuinely feeling sick. I also think he absolutely could have hidden that fact (he's an excellent liar), but it's useful for him in this moment to paint Sara as the villain and himself as a poor victim. Seconds later, he recovers to keep the team guessing and foster doubt towards her.

None of this is to "baby" him as a character, but instead, to explore why he is the way he is. He can lie and scheme and act as a truly terrifying force! If he's weak and insecure, then it makes sense that he would develop these traits to disguise that part of him before the death game occurred. Because he is a great liar! I highly doubt he never lied before the death game—he's way too experienced for that. He throws away his entire identity and gets away with it for a pretty significant length of time.

TLDR: Shin's health issues and potential chronic illness aren't just things thrown in without a second thought. They're at the core of his character—his fear, his motivation, his humanity. He can't believe in anyone, because he's terrified that the second they see through the cracks, those stronger than him will kill him. His warped perception of strength and weakness (and the resulting paranoia) informs the major decisions he makes and the schemes he unleashes throughout the game. While I don't think his health issues are the only reason that he acts the way he does, they're a pretty significant part of it.

[ofswordsandpens]

I've enjoyed episode 3 the most so far, but I think the show is still struggling to find a good balance between taking itself seriously and the absurdist humor that RR writes with. My main takeaways:

The Fight Scenes (or Lack Thereof?)

It seems very peculiar to me that the show is just speed running through its battle scenes. Again, it feels very much like the product of Disney trying to sanitize anything that's too extreme?

The trio fleeing from the kindly ones in the book ended with Percy taking control of the bus and then crashing it. It explodes. They lose all of their stuff (money, food). In the show, they simply bail out the back window. No true panic. No tension. Just, okay :) we're leaving now :)

The Medusa Scene. I'll speak more to this later, but in terms of the fight we get to see... well we get to see nothing. Apparently this fight required us to view it through the lens of the invisibility cap (ie. not at all),

I understand this show is intended for a younger audience, but the books are as well. Even the movies, which are pg, came up with better ways to show things without necessarily showing things. As a result, it feels like anything that might induce the slightest bit of tension or fear are sanded down and its honestly doing such a disservice to the books and the audience.

Medusa

I actually really liked this portrayal of Medusa. The 1950s housewife vibe landed well for me. And I loved the actress's voice -- very soft and soothing but always sounding as if she were just about to cry.

Also, I really liked her dialogue. Her digs at Athena and Poseidon were perfectly tragic.

That being said, I really prefer the trio's arrival to the emporium in the book. In the books, they've been wandering the woods and are lost and exhausted and hungry because of the battle/bus crash where they've lost all of their stuff. It almost feels like the emporium popping up "out of nowhere" was more of it finding them.

Meanwhile in the show, Grover finds it through scent on a satyr path and they immediately know its Medusa, which imo takes out so much of the fun of it all??? In the books, they dont know. Grover's just like, freaking the ever living fuck out, and clearly Percy and Annabeth have let him take sole custody of the shared brain cell, cause they're more concerned about getting some food than anything else

Just... RIP dumbass shenanigans

And honestly, I'm not really sure what necessitated the change here in the show (of them not being tricked). It would have been one thing if they were going to change Medusa entirely to not wanting to harm them at all, but imo, I think its arguable/evident that show Medusa was looking for an excuse to petrify Annabeth and Grover (at minimum) regardless of anything.

Honestly, I would have had the show loosely play it out as: book arrival (they dont know its Medusa), keep the dumbass energy and banter, the trio figures out it Medusa while they're eating, Medusa is the more sympathetic version we see in the show, regardless it still ends with the battle.

Also, I do mourn the book battle. The panic and absurdity is just handled better imo. Annabeth shoving them off the bench, Grover flopping all over the place with the shoes but actively getting a good few hits in, Percy having to use to the reflection to behead her... the #TeamWork was emphasized a little more there to me.

Characterization

I think the show is absolutely nailing certain parts of the characters.

They've gotten Percy's anger and his derision towards the gods down. But, I think they're actually underscoring some of his, idk, sincerity? His kindness? It was the line "she met a pinecone's fate" that just rang off to me. While undoubtedly funny, it's just such a stark difference from his reaction to Thalia's story in the books, where he was unsettled by her fate and felt a sincere sympathy for her. The line in the show I assume is meant to criticize the gods, but still, it feels like it comes at the expense of the sensitivity that he has.

They've gotten Annabeth's bluntness, intelligence, pride, and superiority down cold. No question about it. But I feel like they just need to let her be more of a 12yo kid?

Like. In canon she and Percy banter and argue over the silliest of things. She plays hacky sack with Grover and Percy. She blushes and hyperventilates when Luke interacts with her. Episode 3 is like the first time we've gotten to see her do something remotely childish (buying all that candy) and I'm just dying for more of that!! She's not the "mom" of the group and she has her canon dumbass moments. I'm hoping more of this is captured moving forward. They've gotten a good start on the banter, but let Annabeth be more silly! Cause she is!

(Absolutely none of my personal qualms about the characterization are Walker or Leah's fault. They've done amazing. It's the writing/directing I'm side-eyeing).

OH! And I'm sorry but Percy being like "Annabeth we're going to bury medusa with your hat on" would have never ever flown with Annabeth. In no world.

But Grover eating them up at the end? Iconic. Good for him.

[knickynoo]

I don't know if you've done this before: headcanons on Marty Junior and Marlene?

I'm almost positive I have done some sort of Junior and Marlene headcanon post, but I can't find it, so here are some off the top of my head. Gonna go with the versions of them that I imagine for the timeline that's fixed—where the Rolls Royce accident never happened—and Marty and Jennifer aren't miserable, lol. I think both Junior and Marlene would be more well adjusted in that one (especially Junior!)

• The difference in their personalities is evident to Marty and Jen pretty much from the start, with Marlene being the louder, more demanding of the twins and Junior being a much "easier" baby.

• They're extremely close, and Marlene naturally takes on the role of Junior's protector. Often, Marty and Jen have to remind Marlene to take a step back because she's being a little too much of a mother-hen to her brother, and they want Junior to learn to stand on his own two feet.

• Fixed-timeline Junior is quite different from the version of him in the 2015 we see in the movie. He's been raised in a more stable environment with a father who hasn't been defeated by life, so he's not the wimpy, scared little greasy guy who's easily pushed around. He's more sure of himself, not so easily frazzled, and is every bit as big-hearted as his father.

• Junior is not neurotypical. (How can he be? Look at Marty and George) I don't have a specific diagnosis in mind, but I know a draft of part II made reference to him being in a remedial school (and failing) so there's likely some learning disorder at play. In one of my Doctober chapters that include two-year-old versions of the twins, Clara's excited to learn that Junior has picked up a few new words—meanwhile, Marlene is using full sentences—so I do headcanon him as having been delayed in some areas.

[Side note: in that same scene, Doc tells Marty not to worry about Junior's progress, since Jules didn't start speaking until three-and-a-half, lol]

• Marty loves, loves, loves Marlene so much, but sometimes he thinks that she will be the death of him. Especially when she's young and full of sass and always getting into everything and he's struggling to keep up with her. He and Jen 100% lose Marlene in the mall on more than one occasion, and when they find her, she's just like, *shrug.*

• The twins have a special bond with Doc and Clara. Clara dotes on them but is especially close with Junior while Doc is closer to Marlene. When the kids are little and Marty and Jen feel like they're about to collapse from exhaustion, they dump Junior and Marlene at the Brown home and know they'll be well taken care of.

• As Marlene gets older, she's really into fashion, so she's close with her Aunt Linda. I can see Marlene being popular, but she's the type of popular girl who's liked by everyone. She has attitude, but she's not mean.

• Junior is just...Junior. He loves life and is out there doing his thing. He's the type who has a new hobby or interest every week, and Marty and Jen just have to roll with it. He walks in from school one day and goes, "I'm going to be a famous dancer, I decided" and then a week later says, "I want to learn to build a car" and they're just like, "Oh. Okay."

• I think they'd both try to learn an instrument at some point (likely guitar taught by Marty) but I can't decide if either of them would stick with it long term. Somehow, I don't see them being musicians.

• There's a part of me that wants to say an older Marlene eventually learns about time travel and all the wild stuff Marty went through. Idk how it would happen, though. Maybe she overhears something whispered between her parents in private or maybe she's just very perceptive and notices her father being weird about certain events in his life, so she corners him and is like, "Okay, Dad, spill the beans." Perhaps she's also put together some clues in all her time spent with Doc.

Thats about all I've got for now. Thanks for the ask!

[cosmicdream222]

have you entered the void before?

I'm asking cause I've seen you post about it a bunch times with different methods to enter

Also, thank you for introducing me to the phase method! I'm using it and another method (one I created) to enter

Hey! Glad to hear the Phase has been helpful for you! Happy to answer your question, but it’s a bit more complicated than a yes/no answer and I’m feeling rambly today so you’re gonna get a whole backstory on how this blog came to be 😂

Backstory about me & this blog

I’d been in the personal development manifestation community since around 2016, and it was my life for a long time. But the kind of manifesting these people taught was basically like… wake up at 5am, work out, journal, meditate, shadow work, tarot cards, affirmations, cold showers, start a business, post no less than 10 times a day across your 5+ social media channels, and maybe if you hustle hard enough and cleared enough past life karma and Mercury isn’t retrograde, then the universe might grant your wishes... (if you don’t die of exhaustion first. 😅)

It really was a mess and realize now despite the facade of positive thinking and good vibes, the whole community really just keeps themselves identifying with lack & victim mentality so the coaches at the top profit off everyone else’s misery.

I believed in manifesting and had faith I would achieve my goals, but despite years of trying a million different things, only saw small or short-term successes and never seemed to get anywhere. I was feeling pretty burnt out and miserable, so summer 2023 I decided to stop trying so hard and just spend some time focused on myself and what I wanted. I went back to the two methods that I’ve always loved and had success with: affirmations and tapping.

I tapped every day and started making affirmation art and lockscreen wallpaper for fun. I posted the affirmations on Pinterest, which eventually lead me to finding affirmations pinned from tumblr. I think it was a screenshot from blushydior I saw at first, but her blog was deactivated by then. So I started stumbling around tumblr (around Aug-Sept 2023 at this point), where I eventually came across loa, the void, and shifting.

I was surprised because despite my extreme research into all things personal development & spiritual, I’d never heard of it. Although I’d read about quantum physics and more supernatural things, every coach/teacher had major limits. “Manifesting” only meant getting logical earth things like making 6 figures in your business through hard work and hustle so you can afford to travel and buy luxury cars & Chanel bags. Stuff like changing the past, waking up with all your desires, etc was absolutely impossible and not even talked about except “you can’t change the past”.

So having only heard about these incredible overnight life-changing manifestations from tumblr, I was skeptical and wanted more information. I basically started this blog to collect information from outside tumblr to prove it to myself and share with others. Which of course sent me down a rabbit hole of research and overconsumption and overcomplicating the void 😅

I did get kinda obsessed and throw myself into trying every shifting & void method I saw right away, which just left me frustrated with “failed” attempts. But I see now I was just repeating the same victim mentality from the old community - that everything had to be hard and a struggle, that I was a victim of circumstance and limited by a higher power. (This is also a really commonly held limiting belief in religion and society in general that affects many people.)

It took me more than a few months to realize, but I’m finally switching my default programming to that of a creator instead of a victim. Because I don’t want to be obsessed and put the void on a pedestal, I’m currently just working on my self concept that I am in control of my reality and can manifest whatever I want - with or without the void. I still do want to experience it of course, just want to make sure I’m going at it with a healthy mindset.

However!

About a week or two ago I read someone’s void success story that triggered a memory from many years ago: I realized I actually did wake up in the void and manifested something, long before I even knew what manifesting or the void was 😭 Because I’d always believed in supernatural things, I thought I had a “psychic dream” but now I know it was the void! (If anyone wants storytime I can make another post with more detail).

And since at the time, I entered without even knowing about the void’s existence, I realize we here or tumblr really do overcomplicate it. Like the video I posted where the void is described as the midway point between wake and sleep - it really is that simple!

I’ve noticed now that whenever I wake up naturally (not getting woken up by an alarm, outside noise, or cat jumping on me) I do always seem to wake up in the void. It’s the same kind of experience, and I don’t hear anything, but my first natural instinct when I wake up is to wonder where the sounds of my environment are. So I end up tuning in to my room and snapping out of the void.

I guess I just have to train myself to make my first thought an affirmation for my desires instead of just wondering where the sounds are 😅 But regardless, now I know it’s absolutely real and possible for me, I know it’s only a matter of time until I figure it out!

[some-murmurings]

i'm happy that video essays are a popular format on youtube now. i've loved the genre for years and, with care, it's a reliable source of accessible education.

that said, the popularity of video essays on youtube makes me feel like my brain is leaking out of my ears. it is so easy to immediately tell when an author has no actual investment in the genre and sees it merely as a vehicle for #Content™️©️®️

There are three basic qualities I see suffering the most for this

1. Length

I see so many of these newer channels pumping out 8 hour pieces that are closer to exhaustive book reports then they are tight, well written examinations of something and, while I LOVE the diversity inherent to the video essay format, this is a terrible way to explore a topic. It's boring, lame, and extremely profitable.

Quinton Reviews is a good example; I like his work occasionally, his recent thing on Dan Schneider was genuinely pretty good. It did still suffer from the resulting pacing sickness from overloading on information and underloading on composition & organization. Wendigoon is an even better example. Most "iceberg" style vids also are (not u jan misali. never u.)

Also, there's no defined rule for the length of a video essay. They can be 5 minutes long or 5 hours, flash fiction or a full-bodied thesis. Shots of tequila or a whole bottle of wine can both get you drunk.

2. Pacing

Obviously related to length but this is another problem; video essayists have always struggled with this and it got worse recently anyways.

A lot of that "information overload" is to blame. It's important that, when researching, YOU come to a strong, nuanced understanding of a topic through disparate sources. It is, by nature of the format and genre, an extremely bad idea to try and make your audience learn the information the same way.

We don't need a thousand sources spread across several dozen sentences, we want the 3-4 (max) best sources on a given subtopic concisely synthesized into a coherent idea.

Use music, jokes and relevant graphics to make this information as engaging and interpretable as possible without sacrificing accuracy. It's okay to abridge and note that you were, in fact, abridging. We don't need to know every detail about every single thing loosely related to the topic.

Dan Olson from "Folding Ideas" is a good example of this. His script writing and camera work does an extremely good job of creating effective flow with an appropriate amount of detail & nuance. So, pacing, basically.

3. Topic

U can tell some of these jamokes don't give a fuck or shit about the thing they're discussing. Worse still when it's some inane internet drama they're recounting like its "news."

To be clear: the best video essays are OFTEN on topics you have no previous interest in. Roblox_oof.wav by HBomberguy is an easy example. This shit is a complete mess thematically but, because the author engages deeply and effectively with the topic, it literally doesn't matter. It's an insanely good video you should spend all 2 & 1/2 hours in rn. Go. Watch it.

Nor is internet drama a bad topic to cover. You're allowed, encouraged really, to discuss the weird bullshit people do to each other but like... this is closer to a soap opera than it is a national news headline. Looking at you, "Turkey Tom" or whatever the fuck your name is.

There's something to be said, too, for how quick people are to make an essay about a still moving situation. I know the algorithm is an insatiable maw of content hunger but, counterpoint, ONLY MAKE A VIDEO WHEN YOU CAN ACTUALLY DESCRIBE WHAT HAPPENED. If there's reasonable suspicion stuff isn't done, SHUT THE FUCK UP. It's okay if you misjudge a timeline here or there, you're allowed to admit fault and correct yourself, but, like, cmon.

Also something to be said about how quick so many essayists have ALWAYS been to talk about someone else's business without permission, particularly intimate partner violence.

4. Style/Presentation

Video essays are an extremely novel format, particularly for education, so there's a genuine debt of easy-to-adopt styles. And, because of the recent growth, there are a lot of new people entering the space with very little experience in it.

That said, the next time I hear that fucking "influencer cadence" I'm gonna EXPLODE. You know the one, they slow down towards the end of a sentence to lend "gravitas" and overarticulate every. single. word. to, idk, build credibility?

It's shallow and obnoxious and I hate it. Nothing makes me skip a video faster than a boring intro & a predictable cadence. Be honest about the way you speak. If you struggle to create rhythm & flow with your voice, use music! Seriously, music sampling is a super valid method, most indie artists would be JAZZED to have their stuff in parts of their video. A lot of orchestral stuff is in the public domain, especially a lot of famous "classical" works. Put Beethoven's 5th in your video about potato farming in russia, God might not be real and if she is she'd ALSO think it's funny.

Another problem: predictable cuts & generally uninspired editing. I know editing is a pain in the ass but, like, it IS still a creative process. You do have space to do interesting stuff here and, if you can't focus for that long, literally just make a shorter video.

It's okay if 95% of your transitions are purely functional, the trick is to make those 5% REALLY silly to keep your audience on their toes.

5. Tone

You don't need to be "an authority" on a topic to make a good essay about it. It helps but, as long as you're clear & honest about the limits of your understanding and you've done your due diligence, you almost certainly will be fine to talk about anything you want.

If you want to build credibility quickly, consider starting with disambiguation instead of dry recitation. Dates matter less to me than actually understanding a topic better. Even better if you come across like another autistic person infodumping about whales or w/e.

I'd keep going but my phone's gonna die. U get the gist. Lots of format problems that algorithm-brain is exacerbating.

[roleplayhonestybox]

Just some time to whine - and no, it's not that I don't understand, I do - but I just feel so frustrated and disappointed now I could cry. So here's my totally first world problem rant: My RP partner says they have finally a long weekend due to the holiday - Thursday to Sunday - and they are looking forward to write aaaaaaall four days. They make it a really big thing and talk about it and are excited. They wanna write ALL day. EVERY day. AAALL the stuff they'll be writing. Because they can't really do asymmetrical and I always need to be around for them to write. Which is fine. I can do that. Life's rough, I understand. They are American. I am not. I'm European with a hefty time difference and a full work week. So I shovel Friday completely free - cancel all appointments - and even a chunk of my Thursday work day. I can't just take them off - I need to stuff the work I would have done on Friday and that chunk from Thursday and work it off on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Which made my days extremely long and exhausting, but I thought: hey, it's for a good cause! We're going to write like the devil. All day. Every day. Thursday comes, I rush out of work, it all starts wonderfully. We're both excited. Then a problem comes up. Family stuff. Understandable. We spend the night chatting. One things leads to another, the topic gets really dark. I try to be a good friend. I try to help. I stay up until 9am in my time zone. I really don't sleep a lot that night. Friday comes, and they're exhausted. They're tired. They sleep most of the time of the day I took off for us. So we could write, like they wanted to. Saturday comes. They said they'd be around nice and early. I'm around nice and early. They aren't. They were tired and went back to sleep (and couldn't even let me know with a short message - knowing that I was waiting). The RP drags on and I spend the day waiting and waiting - for literal hours.

Sunday comes. Same spiel. They are tired. They have kids to watch. They need a nap. They need to cook.

In the end, I got one or two replies per day for the threads I got to choose. Each day, but, yeah, with me being around for roughly 15 hours for them each day, too. There are a few more replies for the quick things they wanted to do and their favourite is something I absolutely struggled through because I wanted to make them happy, but my heart's really not in it. But I want to be a good RP partner. I want to be a good friend.

So, yes, I understand. Family and real life first. There's no lack of understanding. It's a hobby. Nobody can change how tired they are. Nobody can influence when life fucks with plans. I understand. I am not blaming them. I am not trying to be difficult. I'm not a bitch about it.

But this whole thing I worked for so hard to make it even happen turned out to be such a fucking disappointment and full of frustration that I honestly just want to cry. It just fell so flat I don't even have words for it. No word again that I cancelled everything to be with them, but maybe they don't even realise or remember, because they slept half the time.

(Also: no, I'm normally not the one to expect several replies every day. They can't RP on workdays? Fine. They need time to go through stuff? Fine. They get sick and can't write? absolutely no problem, of course. They stopped replying to so many threads in the past and I've been waiting for weeks or months sometimes, so that's not my problem here. But when we make arrangements to sit together for the sole purpose of writing all day and I clear my schedule for three and a half days - it frustrates me when I sit around and wait for hours for a single reply - just to clarify.)

So with all due respect and necessary understanding - I know they didn't choose this - I'm just so angry, too. Not at them. But that this didn't work out, at all. And I can't even show it because it would hurt them, because I know they were just exhausted and tired and it's not their fault - and I don't want that.

Goddamn, I was looking forward to this so much and I feel so hollow right now, because I spent most of these past three and a half days waiting for them... I feel like I could have done more productive things in three days that would have made me feel much better.

I need a hug...

(sorry for the rant...)

.

[genshin-impact-writings]

A bit specific I hope you don't mind

Could I please request Ayato, Childe, and Zhongli headcanons for comforting their S/O who had a bad day at work, is extremely tired, and anxiety spiking through the roof please?

Thank you, hope this works

-question anon

Thank you for your request, dear! <3 I feel like this was the perfect request to work on right now because I've been really stressed from work recently. In any case, I hope you like what I came up with! Have a good day/night and stay safe. :) I tried a different format for this one btw, I hope that's okay.

Characters: Kamisato Ayato, Childe/Tartaglia, Zhongli 

Comforting their s/o after a bad day at work (gn!reader)

Kamisato Ayato 

“Darling, I understand how you’re feeling. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

Ayato is someone who knows exactly how exhausting and overwhelming work can be sometimes. He’s no stranger to feeling stressed and anxious due to the work piling up on his desk, so it doesn’t take him long to realize what is bothering you when you come back home that day. He can relate to the tired and sad expression on your face, although it really breaks his heart to see you like this. 

He immediately drops everything to be there for you, even if it means that most of the paperwork for the day will be left half-done. His work is incredibly important, yes, and he actually can’t afford to slack off but you’re his s/o and your wellbeing will always be his main priority. 

Since he knows very well how it is to feel like a failure sometimes, he spends a lot of time reassuring you that you’re enough, that you’re doing incredibly well and that you don’t have to be ashamed for feeling stressed and anxious after a day like this. It’s easier said than done, he’s aware of that, but that obviously doesn’t stop him from trying to cheer you up again.

“My poor darling,” Ayato says softly as he pulls you into his arms. Your quiet sobs, muffled by the fabric of his jacket when you press your face against his shoulder, break his heart, and once again, he wishes he could find the proper words to comfort you. He rests his cheek on top of your head, cradling you in his arms. “Shh,” he whispers. “It’s alright. You’re not alone.”

Childe/Tartaglia 

“If there’s anything I can do, please tell me. I’m here for you, buttercup.”

You probably get back home earlier than Childe on most days and usually, you greet him with a smile and a hug as soon as he comes through the door. So, it doesn’t take him long to realize that something is off when there’s no sign of you, and when he finds you curled up on the sofa or in your bed, it’s crystal clear that you’re upset about something.

It’s not hard to put one and one together and figure out that you most likely experienced a rough day at work, especially when you’ve been stressed out anyway recently. It pains him to see you like this because he knows he can’t really help you with these things. However, what he can and will do is to be there for you and listen if you need someone to talk.

Childe also doesn’t mind lying down next to you and holding you in his arms for a while without saying a single world. He just wishes he could make things a bit easier for you and take the burden off your shoulders. If he could, he’d even take some of your work off your hands to give you more time to rest and relax but since that’s not possibly he focuses on comforting you when you experience a bad time at work. 

Childe kisses the top of your head as you bury your face in the crook of his neck. “It’s okay,” he whispers reassuringly and wraps his arms around you in an attempt to shield you from the world that has caused you so much stress and anxiety today. “I’m here.” And he means it – no matter what happens, you can always count on him to catch you when you fall.

Zhongli

“You don’t have to talk about it but please know that you are not alone, my love.”

Zhongli is quite an observant man, so there’s really no point in trying to hide your struggles from him. To him, it’s always so obvious when you had a rough time at work, just from seeing the tension in your posture or how your eyes don’t sparkle as they do usually. It hurts him so much to see you like this but at the same time, he feels this somewhat irrational anger that someone (or something) is causing you so much stress. 

He wouldn’t ask you directly what’s wrong because he knows from experience that you’ll talk when you feel like it. Instead, he does a number of more subtle things to support you and cheer you up, like preparing your favorite food or offering you a massage because your shoulders are so tense and it surely is quite uncomfortable for you. 

He makes it very clear that you can always count on him, no matter what happened. Need some help with your work? He’s there. One of your colleagues has been talking you or your efforts down? He reassures you that you’re doing your best and you shouldn’t listen to them. 

“I’m sorry you had a rough day,” Zhongli says, his voice as soft and soothing as always, as he presses his thumb against a particularly tense spot right between your shoulder blades. When you let out a quiet sigh of relief, he leans down and brushes his lips against your neck in a gentle kiss. “You don’t have to go through this alone, my love. I’m by your side."

Thank you so much for reading! if you enjoyed it, please consider liking, reblogging and/or leaving some feedback. I'd appreciate the support. <3

Taglist: @kaeyas-beloved @genshinparty @the-gayest-sky-kid @ajaxstar

[mangodestroyer]

Not that I want to talk about it too much or anything, but now that I'm actually leaving retail for real (because I finally secured something else and can afford to leave), I'm kind of thinking a lot about how shitty this job actually is. And how I sort of just got used to it after a while.

I mean, first, there's the obvious of retail being a hella toxic environment. You're constantly facing the public, and have zero ways of standing up for yourself and avoiding it. Companies also push for you to reach extreme goals and push for workers to be super competitive over the metrics. All this micromanaging, as well as the bs from the customers, can easily cause co-workers to become burnt out and bitter. Leading to toxic work relationships as well.

Secondly, it's so much physical labor. And my job in particular also requires a high level of social intelligence. I mean, you have to actually SELL things to customers, on top of balancing a thousand different tasks (and completing them within a certain time frame while also putting out other people's fires). I mean, seriously. It's difficult to draw the energy to have a whole-ass sales pitch, individualized to the customer you're speaking to when you've been rushing to complete three projects.

It's also the scheduling. You can never have the same schedule every week. And the shifts are always all over the place. One week, you might have six four-hour shifts, the next week, you have an eight-hour shift where you work till nine at night, and then have another eight-hour shift the next day requiring you to come in at five or six in the morning. Maybe you worked nothing but evening shifts for the past three months. Now you're suddenly being scheduled morning shifts after you've gotten used to going to bed at four a.m. because you hate waiting to go to your job during the day. Maybe you're scheduled two 35-40 hour weeks because it's a very busy sales period and there is A LOT OF WORK TO DO. Then you're scheduled for nothing but 8 to 16-hour weeks and there's nothing to do/you have no money. You're scheduled for every weekend and holiday. You can no longer feel excited about those while everyone else is having a blast. In fact, you forgot that going to the store is something that people sometimes do for fun. If you ask to limit your hours and have certain times/days off, you'll get heckled for it. Sometimes, you're asked to cover shifts and people get annoyed if you decline. You're asked to find someone to cover your shift if you can't make it in. People get mad at you for being sick or for just wanting to use vacation days.

The pay. The pay is shit. All this for the lowest pay they think they can get away with giving people.

It is... exhausting! Even a simple four-hour shift leaves me feeling like I can't decompress. I have to take things to help me relax after work and to help me tolerate it the next day. Even then, I can't truly get myself to focus on my hobbies or anything. It's also made going to school difficult. It's so hard to think after being worked like that. Or to have the energy to stay on top of things. Also, I've gained weight since working this job. I was... 125 lbs when I started. I got all the way up to 165 lbs in three years and struggled to get down to 157 lbs these past few months. I feel like my stomach can't even digest a lot of food these days. Like, if I eat too much dairy or fruit or something, it feels like it just sits in my stomach for a long ass time until I get cramps and feel bloated. I never used to be like this. I also feel like I have more inflammation in general. And God forbid you have issues happening in your personal life. It makes all of this so much worse! Back when I was in a toxic relationship, I straight up wondered if I was developing b*polar/sch*zophrenia, d*mentia, or c*ncer. The stress was affecting me both physically and mentally THAT MUCH.

I spent three weeks away from my job a few months ago. I actually started feeling like I had some energy. I started feeling human again. It was pretty telling. Before then, I thought I'd finally gotten used to working that job and that maybe it wasn't so bad. Then I came back and was like, "Holy, fuck! This place is shit!" I started putting in job apps like my life depended on it for ANYTHING that wasn't retail or food service. ANYTHING. Even if I was underqualified.

And that's that. I will never do a low-paid customer service job again. If things ever get rough in the job market and I don't have a choice but to return to shitty work... I will literally do the actual SHITTY work of scrubbing toilets before I return to retail. I'm DONE.

[aotopmha]

I've been doing a bunch of blind MINE Extreme prog in FFXIV and in a general sense it's been a blast.

I think the most frustrating part of it is when you get really far into a fight, but don't get to fully complete it due to the nature of PF or time/exhaustion catching up to you.

Nidhogg and Shinryuu are great extreme fights, probably my favourites out of the ones I've tried, but they are among the ones I've only seen up to the final mechanics/final phases (also Titan, but only got to 50% there, loved progressing that fight).

I'm also frustrated with myself because a lot of the time I feel like I just make really obvious mistakes.

I know that's just how blind progress works, but I feel like it's always such simple elements.

As a tank main, just slightly skewed timing on mitigation or running into the party with a TB or missing the mitigation entirely.

Missing the invuln, using Provoke at the wrong time, mistiming tank LB. Stuff like that.

In Shinryuu I just kept dying to all of the different variations of attacks in the first phase, even if all of them seemed so straight-forward in my mind.

There is a frustrating disconnect between understanding and execution for me.

And if you make the same mistake many times, even if you know the right way to do a mechanic, no amount of apologising really does anything.

So I've sort of accepted I'm probably just not good at this game, in terms of what it asks you to do.

But I'm still having a lot of fun with it and I don't mind dying over and over.

But not everyone does. And I just end up feeling like a burden and that part is the not fun part, especially when I understand the frustration and fully understand in what way what I did was wrong.

There is occasional rude/passive aggresive folks I've met, so a good 5% of the time it's the people in the parties that just suck as people, but most of the time I feel it's all me holding the party back.

So what do you do when you're having a blast with a multiplayer game you clearly suck at even after a good amount of time put into it?

That's the specific struggle for me.

I can be endlessly patient with basically anyone, but I'm one of those players who just keeps dying in that one soak or accidentally pressing that one really important button and wasting it or sitting in that one AoE you've seen a hundred times.

[themoonsbride]

hi hi, just a cute idea if you want to write it love 🥰 reader has nightmares and she can't fall asleep so peter hugs and kisses her, stroking her hair gently and tells her that there's nothing to be afraid of and that he's with her<3

hello love!!! thank you so so much for the request! this is so adorable, and I had a lot of fun writing it for you ! I hope you enjoy it :) <3

You're Safe With Me .

pairing; Peter Ballard x Fem!Reader

summary; (in the request!) Reader has been having nightmares lately, and has been on edge during the working hours of her life, Peter has noticed this and ends up figuring out the issues and makes the reader spend the night with him. <3

warnings; Nightmares, loss of sleep, crying, Aftermath of nightmares, rest is all fluff <3 (please lmk if I missed anything!)

a/n; this is my first new request in awhile and I'm so happy about it!!! also, I've decided that I'll also be taking requests for Anthony from Sweeney Todd !! (another characterJamie plays for those who may not know) :) <3

--×♥︎×--

It was a quiet night through out Hawkins National Labrotoris. The lights had gone out, and everyone was sleeping, peacefully wouldn't be the correct word choice per say because nothing inside of the dreadful building was ever peacefully that any stable mind would say.

But it was at least quiet, there was that much, sure it was usually always quiet, but during the night feeling of it being so quiet was different, some would've said relieving, others would have said extremely skin crawling chilling.

Though, the gaurds and the nurses and the children had all been finally sleeping at the exhausted muscles in their bodies slowly went through the process of fully relaxing, just for them to be overworked again within the next few hours, yours were tense.

You were sleeping, yes, but, it was quiet the opposite from relaxing you, infact it seemed as though it were killing you in a way. Your limps twitched, and your head turned from side to side harshly.

And suddenly your breath decides to join in part of the sensory madness and turn itself into fast pants, and your body coated itself in a cold, thick sweat.

Thats when your brain suddenly turned off its movie of horror that made your heart nervous and your nerves a mental breakdown, your eyes snapped open like a light switch being flickered on.

You sat up quickly, blinking profusely, looking at your surroundings.

You were in your room, and it was nearly 3:25 a.m., you still had about 3 more hours of sleep left.

You took some time to get your nerves back into shape and running again, but you laid, staring at your ceiling, you went to rub your tired eyes and when doing so, they felt damp.

You sighed to yourself and began to wonder how you'd even ended up in here in the first place.

--×♥︎×--

You don't remember what time it was when you fell asleep, but your alarm did its job as it had done everyday for the last year and 5 months now.

You forced your legs to keep you on the cold tiled floor you were standing on, your vision going from a blur to black within seconds from standing too quickly.

This wasn't the first time working in this sort of hell house had given you dreadful images that played in your mind through the night.

They'd been happening to you for about 2 weeks now and it wasnt the first time you had struggled with these types of dreams either.

but they felt more torturous than the shocking collar did. Thankfully you've never came into contact with that God forsaken thing. But you knew someone who has.

His name was Peter, Peter Ballard, and he's the sweetest man you'd ever met inside of this prison, He always smiled even if you could sense he truly didn't want to at times.

And he was always caring of you, others? not so much. He didn't seem to notice any of the other workers or nurses or even most of the children, but you seemed to have caught his eye.

And it made you curious and wonder what it could've possibly been about you that made him attract to you as if you were a magnet.

--×♥︎×--

It was finally your break, your legs quickly exited you from the rainbow room, sure it was the only room with color but sometimes it was nauseating to look at.

You tried not to ponder much about it as you pushed through the double doors of the breakroom and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge.

The coffee was poor quality and looked mucky inside of the mugs they were meant for. It didn't even fully look like it was coffee inside of a mug, someone who lived beyond the walls of Hawkins Labrotory would've identified it as a mug full of swamp water.

Your eyes felt heavy along with your head, but you did your best to fight off your powerful tiredness and exhaustion. If Brenner had suspected anything of the sorts, you'd never be hearing the end of it.

You had even realized your eyes were resting until the sound of the double doors creaked opened again.

It was that angelic blond man who you dearly adored. His hair was curled perfectly as it were everyday, and his eyes seemed dull, though they still shined through the poor lights in bedded into the ceiling. He also seemed more awake than you were the last week.

"Didn't rest much last night?" He asked, his voice was as soft as a pillow as always. Though it took you a few seconds for your brain to actually register what he said.

"hm? oh, no I slept fine." Your voice croaked, it sounded like you just woke up and your cheeks started to flush pink from embarressment.

"Does that explain those black circles underneath your eyes?" He said, a smirk etched onto his face, you rolled your eyes at him smiling back a tiny bit.

"Whatever Blondie." He hated that name.

"Stop calling me that!" He laughed a little. You sat up a bit more and placed your hand over your heart, pretending to be hurt.

"My word, I thought you found the name to be music to your ears." Sarcasm was booming in your words.

"Your voice in general is."

You thought you'd heard him say something but, he was whispering and your mind felt hazy from how tired you were.

"Hmm?" you hummed to him, but it wouldn't have mattered if he answered you, your mind wouldn't take the time to process it anyway.

You loved being able to joke with him in such a way, it seemed as though you could be sarcastic with him and not get scolded for doing so, infact he found it to be funny.

It only took a few weeks for you and Peter to get along, and before you knew it the both of you were best friends, as a small child would call it. And you seemed to enjoy calling it that too, but it felt somewhat silly to you whenever you did.

He never seemed to have minded though, and it made you not feel as stupid for it.

It also didn't take long for the two of you to realize the love you held for eachother. And you would've never assumed that he would've became your secret boyfriend a day in your life either.

--×♥︎×--

Your shift had recently ended, and you were feeling quite anxious and your mind thought of how horrible this night were going to be.

How you didn't want to have to suffer through another night of vivid nightmares that would leave you shaking for 15 minutes straight.

As you lay on your mattress, staring at your ceiling, each time you'd attempt to close your eyes, they'd only re-open themselves.

Like your own body was refusing itself from falling asleep.

This cycle continued for what felt like hours, but in reality had only been 10 minutes. And at this rate you'd given up on the idea of sleep.

But you knew you had to get some type of sleep if you wanted to be able to wake up on time for work in the morning, so you kicked off your covers and sighed to yourself.

You sighed as you stood at your bed, closing your eyes, and then tears began to fall. You just wanted it to stop, for the nightmares to end, for you to be able to sleep without your entire body having a nervous breakdown.

You looked up at the ceiling and took a breath, quietly exiting your bedroom to go see your true love as guilty as you felt about the idea of awakening him.

Your knuckles quietly tapped against the metal door. Your sniffles surely couldve been heard from the next hall, and through the door.

Your body tensed when you heard the sound of footsteps.

Suddenly the door opened and Peter quickly pulled you inside for you to have not gotten caught, he took a few moments to examine your face before pulling you into his warm embrace.

"What happened baby?" He whispered into your hair, his voice was deep and filled with haziness.

"nothing I just uhm. I haven't been able to sleep and I w-wanted to know if it was okay if.. If I slept here? with you..?" Your voice was trembling and muffled from your face nuzzled into his chest.

His hand start rubbing your back as he comforted you, and you felt your shoulders start to loosen as you melted from his touch.

"Of course.." He mumbled before gently pulling away from you and grabbing your hands, taking you to his bed with him, You'd never seen him in anything but his working clothes, so seeing him wearing a plain t-shirt and shorts was some what of a big deal to you.

He looked really good though, but you cleared your thoughts and focused back on sleeping as he pulled your body towards his under the covers, his sheets smelled like him and his comforter was warm like him. You felt so safe around him that it felt like not even Brenner could harm you.

He continued to sooth your body and kiss your forehead, "Why weren't you able to sleep?" He asked lowly

"..I've been having nightmares." You replied, you felt so embarrassed to have to admit that to your boyfriend as an adult.

"I guess that's why I haven't slept much, they've been.. scaring me too much." You didn't really process that you were telling him this because you just wanted to sleep.

"There's nothing to be afraid of, I promise.. Not for as long as im with you dear." He murmurs to you as all your muscles finally relax and loosen from the overwhelmingly relief of you finally drifting into sleep.

[alchemiclee]

people always wonder why I don't read for fun. I have a few reasons:

slow. you know how some articles tell you how long of a read it will be? I just read one that says "less than a 5 minute read" and you know how long it took me? a little over 15.....this was a distraction-free read. i'm just extremely slow.

speaking of distractions. from inside and outside, they are everywhere. i'll either stop reading completely and not realize until who-knows-how-long later, (I have 100 unfinished tabs open on my web browser i started reading at some point...) or i'll be reading words, but my mind is elsewhere. so I need to reread it because I forgot everything immediately or didn't process anything at all.

dyslexia. reading comprehension isn't my strongest skill. often, things don't make sense when I read them, so I must reread. sometimes more than one or twice. sometimes I can reread the same sentence 5 times and its different every time. brain likes to mix things up to keep it fresh, at the cost of it making any sense at all. eventually I can get there, but at what cost.....

sleepy. when I try to read for a long time (which isn't that long tbh,) the processing my brain has to go through—deciphering dyslexic jumbled up nonsense, trying to concentrate and not letting distractions pull me away, in general trying to understanding what i'm reading—I get very sleepy. it's exhausting. the whole process of reading for me is so exhausting. the concentration it takes is too much for my brain so it literally shuts down and gives up. at least that's why I think I fall asleep every time I try read anything that's longer than this post (though sometimes even this much is enough to make me fall asleep). I have no control over when my brain decides it's time to fall asleep.

visualizing. i've always been extremely envious of everyone who likes to read. you can all see what you're reading in your heads as if you're watching a movie. when I learned people can do that, I got so shocked and jealous. it always confused me when people would hate on movies because it "doesn't look how they imagined" while i'd rather see the movie because it shows me how things are supposed to look. I would enjoy reading too if I saw more than words on a paper! I can get the general concept, like I know what a tree and a bird nest are. if a story says "the heavy wind knocked a bird nest out of the tree beside me" I won't see it happen in my head, but I know what it means.

processing. while having to deal with all this above, it can lead to me lacking the necessary skills to even process what i'm reading. if i'm reading a research paper or textbook, most of it can go over my head and i won't understand most of it. the words are too jumbled together, there's too many, and they aren't simple enough to quickly make sense of them individually. the boredom from the subject might also affect processing ability if it's something I don't care about, like school textbooks. if i'm reading a story, I might get the general idea of what's happening, but I will miss all the deeper details and hidden meanings. i'll hear/see people talk about something from a story that I never caught. it's like they're enjoying a secret they found in the pages that I never got access to. everyone else enjoys stories so much more than me, because they're doing it in such a different way. i feel very left out because I know i'll be missing out on a lot of the story.

people used to (and still do) always shame me for choosing to not read or not enjoying it. but if you had all these conditions applied to you, would you still enjoy reading? or would the struggle not be worth it? I do know some people can have one or more of these problems and still enjoy reading. i've met them and they have shamed me because they "have these problems and still read and enjoy it anyway." i've recently been trying out audiobooks. this is ever so slightly easier than reading, but still comes with some of the same issues as well as its own, such as my auditory processing disorder. this is basically the audio version of my dyslexia.

in the end, I still need a visual. I listened to an audio version of tgcf, for example, and then watched the donghua. suddenly, things I heard in the audio version made sense because I saw them for the first time! most of what I was hearing didn't make much sense because I can't simply "see it in my head" like everyone else. so watching the movie/show adaptation is better for me, even if it's not "good" or the best option. my preferred reading material is comics. it has both reading and visuals. if you want me to read something with you, present me with a comic/manga!

[lowbeyonder]

It has once again been a while

It has been an interesting couple of months. A lot of it, unfortunately, has been either waiting for things to happen that still have not happened, or merely exhausting. Which is why I haven't been writing much long-form stuff, mostly just selfies and occasional shitposting.

But first, I went to a side-part. Here's a very dramatic selfie.

the bad shit

This morning some stress boiled over. The immediate trigger was having to pay for another year of the storage locker we've had most of our stuff in for the last five years, which always depresses me, because we had a whole plan: keep it in storage for a year or two while we look for a house, buy the house, move into the house. Well that hasn't worked very well. Partially because the property market is a nightmare here, partially because of an accumulation of other things.

So the current plan is actually: apply for Irish citizenship (working on it), get through bottom surgery (still waiting for a date, expecting early next year) and possibly FFS (a whole thing, see below), get EU passports, then re-examine the whole house/job situation with a much broader range of options on where we can end up living & working.

This is, I think, a good, rational plan. But I still miss my books😢.

The additional stressor is related to FFS. I know our benefits team is trying to get it covered by our private health insurance provider, I don't know what the outcome is yet, I'll find out around September 1st, and I'm climbing the walls over it.

the good shit

BUT it is not all bad times! There are good things happening too! It's time to get my mid-life crisis on!

I'll unpack that a little.

A thing I've been struggling with, especially the past year, is… not even so much the feeling of missing out on things I wanted to do, but of missing out on things I didn't even know I wanted to do. So take your classic "oh god I'm getting OLD I must reclaim my youth" crisis, stir in "also I barely even HAD a youth, I was just straight-up disassociating from puberty onwards", and also a dash of "btw welcome to second puberty" from my endocrine system.

So that's been fun. And Meg & I have been talking, very tentatively, for a while about opening up our marriage to some degree, because to be very honest, they also have some needs I am not very good at meeting, though I do try. But there's a lot of anxiety involved.

Then back in June we met up with some friends I knew from a (small, local) trans Discord at a queer dance party, and one of them basically imprinted on Meg. The two of them have been chatting back and forth (with my enthusiastic encouragement) ever since, being extremely adorable, and last week she came up to stay with us for a couple nights and good times were had by all.

So… that's going super well! And making a connection like that has eased a lot of Meg's anxieties around the idea.

And we do have more queer dance parties coming up in the next few weeks…

[vannahfanfics]

Hello! I requested a fire emblem three houses matchup commission on kofi. Pronouns are she/her. No preference for gender.

Personality: Emotional and imaginative, frequent daydreamer, stubborn and independent, observant and adaptable, anxious and guarded around other people.

I am friendly when approached but difficult to get to know and struggle with being vulnerable. I tend to mimic the behavior of and match the energy of whoever I am interacting with. I prioritize others wellbeing over my own and frequently exhaust myself in the process. I tend to contradict myself or behave unpredictably. I am both affectionate and closed off, practical and impulsive, a fast learner and forgetful. I’ve learned to embrace it and would need to be with someone who can keep up with and not be annoyed by the variability.

Hobbies: reading (very interested in psychological and scifi stuff), listening to music, puzzle games, walking and hiking, i write poetry but am very private about it LOL. I sing pretty much constantly. I’m not terrible but I’m not great at it either. So, ideally, a partner who would not be bothered by that.

Values: family and loyalty

My family is extremely important to me and I am very close with both my parents and sibling. My priority is always to take care of them. My closest friends hold the same value as my biological family to me. At my core I am a very caring and devoted person and I want to be given the same energy back.

In a relationship I value security and communication. I have a deep desire to be understood, cared for, and protected. I also want to be challenged and feel inspired by them to be a better version of myself.

Other details: I am touchstarved but afraid to ask for affection and too nervous to initiate. In romantic relationships I am inexperienced and tend to come off like a frightened animal so I would need a partner who can navigate that compassionately.

My emotions are strong and can change rapidly. I am someone who for the most part internalizes this but I am, unfortunately, very easy to read. I wear what I’m feeling on my face and am only occasionally successful at masking it with neutrality.

I apologize for being longwinded and thank you so much! I hope you are having a good day/evening/night!! <3

Thank you for your commission! I've been struggling with writer's block for months now, and I was really excited when I got this not only because it was for a new fandom I've gotten into recently, but also because it did a good job of getting the ol' juices flowing again. So, thanks! XD I hope you like it!

I match you with...

Claude von Riegan from Fire Emblem: Three Houses!

All right, I'll admit up front that I'm a little biased when it comes to Claude because he's my favorite Three Houses character. He hooked me from the first moment he appeared, and the Golden Deer route was my first route. Still, it's not my own personal bias toward him that led me to pair him with you for this match-up! I've got lots of reasons why I think this dashing fellow is the one for you!

First and foremost, you and Claude have very similar personalities. In some cases, this might lead to an incompatible relationship, but I don't think that would be the case for you and Claude! Rather, I think that the similarities in your personalities would allow the two of you to connect with and understand each other on a very deep, emotional level. Like Claude, you maintain a friendly and approachable persona that likely gathers you lots of friends and acquaintances, but in reality, struggle to be vulnerable with any of them for quite some time; it takes a lot for both of you to let those walls down and really let someone in. Your behavior often ends up contradictory because of it, like a practiced dance that you just can't help but engage in with others because of your own apprehensions. I think that Claude would find you a kindred spirit in this sense and gravitate toward you because of it. If anyone can truly understand him, it will be someone who ticks the same way, right? Likewise, he'd be able to understand you, since his mind operates the same way—and especially since you are easier to read than some others might be, having difficulty masking your true feelings a lot of the time. I think he'd find it refreshing, having someone around whom he didn't have to try to puzzle out all the time and someone who didn't find him as much as a puzzle as everyone else seemed to. He'd probably find your inability to conceal your emotions and feelings pretty adorable and tease you about it, just a little bit! It comes from a place of genuine endearment, of course. It'd start out innocent at first, on his part, just searching for something familiar amidst all the unfamiliarity in his life, but he'd soon find himself opening up to you without realizing it, I think—and when he did realize it, he'd also realize that he's down pretty bad for you!

There are other facets of your personality that would draw him in, too, that would result in him falling for you. He's definitely got his own stubbornness about him, and he'll find someone who can match his energy entertaining. He's also very independent, and he values that in people. He's also exceptionally observant and adaptable, and he'll definitely want someone like that around to aid in his various schemes, hehe! He'll also respect your sense of loyalty, for loyalty is also something that he values immensely. He'll especially respect your loyalty to your family, being such a family-oriented person as he is. He's also a big one on devotion, and the fact that you'll be just as devoted to him as he is to you will be a big thing for him. He will definitely give you that energy back; it doesn't matter if you're on different continents altogether, he'll make sure you know that you're the only one for him!

You value communication in relationships. Claude might struggle with this in the beginning, what with his need to guard his secrets closely. With time, however, he will open up, and once that barrier is broken, Claude will keep no secrets from you. He knows that communication is important if a relationship is going to be serious and long-lasting, and he is willing to be open once it gets to that point. He will see your desires to be cared for and protected, and by golly, will he provide! It doesn't matter if it's him against the whole world; he'll do what he has to to keep you safe. He'll make sure you feel loved every day, and he's a master at utilizing all the little things to accomplish that. He'll also deeply respect your desire to be challenged and pushed to be the best version of yourself that he can be, and he'll do whatever he can to help you reach your goals, whatever they may be.

You mentioned that you're a bit hesitant in relationships, nervous to initiate and unsure in navigating them; that's okay! Claude's depth of emotional intelligence will let him pick up on that immediately, and though he will find it so cute that he'll want to scream, he'll also know what you need and act accordingly. He'll never push you beyond a point you don't want to go; he'll take everything at your pace, every word and action dictated by nothing but your comfort level. His dashing prince act might seem a bit much at times, but it's genuinely all from the heart. He adores you and wants you to feel safe and secure with him, no matter what, so he'll do everything and anything to that end. <3

Finally, I think you and Claude would click together because you share a lot of the same interests! Claude's a big reader, and not just for the sake of his schemes. He loves knowledge and soaks everything he can up like a sponge. He may not be one to read fiction as much, but he'd happily sit with you and lose himself in some encyclopedia or another while you lose yourself in a story. He'd also love puzzle games, I feel, seeing as he approaches a lot of situations and things as a puzzle. Nothing brings him more satisfaction than seeing a problem he's been chipping away at come together, and so I feel like he'd be down to tackle puzzle games with you—and he'd be damn good at it, too! I also think that Claude would love going on hikes and walks with you. His mind is constantly working, and though it'd take a bit to actually drag him away from something he's invested himself in, once you do, he'll greatly enjoy losing himself in nice scenery somewhere—especially if it's just the two of you. It'll be enough for him to let it all fall away, all the things occupying his mind, and enjoy simply being with you. Finally, I feel like Claude's got a secret love of music himself. :3 He'll not only enjoy your tendency to break out in song, but he'll do it right along with you! It will not be an uncommon occurrence for him to spontaneously sweep you up in a duet and a dance, even if you both have to drop everything to do it, LOL.

In summary, you and Claude have a lot in common, both in terms of personality and passions, and I think that would lead to you being able to understand each other in a way that people don't often get to understand one another. <3

Now, for the second part of the match-up, I wanna circle back to Claude's endeavor to make you feel loved! Really, this man loves with every fiber of his being, and he's going to go above and beyond to ensure that you know just how much he adores you. He ain't ashamed about it, either; he's proud of his simping LOL I feel like Claude is more of a gestures person when it comes to showing affection. He tells you how much you mean to him often, too, but he has always been a big believer that actions speak louder than words, and this man's actions equate to him screaming how much he loves you from the rooftops, LOL

Love notes. This man is huge on love notes. He leaves them everywhere. When you're in the shower, he writes little notes in the fogged-up mirror for you to find when you get out. He sticks them in books you're reading for you to find the next time you resume them. He sticks them in the pockets of your jackets for you to have a pleasant little surprise to find when your hands seek escape from the cold. His ingenious in his hiding of them to where it's more often than not that you discover them when he's not around, but obvious enough to where they will inevitably be found. Even if it's just a simple, "I hope you're having a good day when you find this! :) I know I am because I have you", he just wants you to know that you occupy his mind 24/7. And you do! Claude is constantly blown away by the thought of how lucky he feels to have you in his life. <3

He loves to surprise you with flowers. There doesn't need to be any special occasion. He just loves to see your face light up with surprised delight when you discover a new, bow-wrapped vase with a fresh bouquet of flowers. Seeing you smile gives him a dopamine rush unlike anything else.

Acts of service! Huuuuuge, huge, huge acts of service guy, too. If you need help with anything, anything at all, he is there. It is not uncommon for you to come home and find that he has done every single chore for the day—cleaned the house from top to bottom, cooked you dinner, drew you a warm bubble bath. Whenever Claude feels that you're becoming stressed and overwhelmed with life, he will step in and remove as many of those stressors as he can until you feel better. You can come to him for aid with any problem, and he'll figure it out, someway, somehow. No obstacle is insurmountable for Claude, especially when it comes to his dearly beloved!

More than anything, Claude shows his love for you by being willing to spare each and every spare moment with you. Life can be busy sometimes, and it's easy to get caught up in your own things, but Claude will always, always make sure that he drops all his responsibilities and obligations for at least a little bit of time each day to be with you. Nothing is more important to him than being with you for a few precious moments each day, if it's just lazily cuddling because you've both been exhausted by the toils and trials of the day. He's there with open arms and a big smile, ready to wrap you up and take you away from the wearying world for just a little while. <3

Finally, for the last part of your match-up, a scenario! I think it's pretty inevitable that Claude discovers your penchant for poetry, no matter how hard you try to keep it a secret, LOL. The man is just too good at rooting out secrets. As soon as he's got an inkling that you're hiding something from him, he's on the scent like a bloodhound, desperate to solve the mystery. It's only a matter of time before the jig's up, and here's how I think it'd go down:

You should have known he was onto you.

You had been vigilant at first, of course. You'd secured your poems away tucked away in a dark corner of your closet where Claude had no business looking in the early days of your blossoming relationship. You'd moved them to progressively more secure locations as things had grown more serious, determined to keep this part of your life a secret for as long as possible. You hadn't feared rebuke or ridicule, and you still don't, not from Claude; it was just embarrassing, sharing a creative talent like that with somebody, in a way that you just couldn't explain. You'd share it with him when the time was right, you had told yourself. But until then, you'd keep it hidden, keep it safe...

You should have known better, truly. It was only a matter of time.

You had started out so well, but somewhere along the way, you got complacent... and you got sloppy. Claude had been on to you from the very first time it happened, the very first time you'd practically leaped across the room to hastily conceal a harmless-looking scrap of paper from his too-keen, too-curious eyes. He'd nagged you then, begging to know what you were so desperate to hide from him, but he'd dropped the subject when you'd refused to relinquish the tantalizing knowledge and grown teary in your mortified distress. He'd relented, not wishing to cause you undue upset... but oh, he hadn't forgotten. He'd filed that little nugget of knowledge away, knowledge that you had a secret, and his frightening powers of observation had been activated that day. He'd never spoken of it again, but only because he'd been biding his time, a coiled cobra waiting for the perfect time to strike...

It really was inevitable—finding yourself here, clinging to Claude's back like a spidermonkey as he holds one of your poems just out of reach and reads the handwritten script with eager interest bordering on triumphant rapture.

"Claude!" you shriek, reaching over his broad shoulder in a vain attempt to swipe at the paper far out of reach of your desperate fingers. "Put it down! Put it down!"

"Come on, there's no need to be so upset," he laughs, refusing to tear his blue-green eyes from his hard-earned prize. "You had it sitting out in the open! You wanted me to find it!"

He's right, and you know it; on some level, you've grown weary of the constant vigilance, and your mind had betrayed you by causing you to leave one of your recent poems where he could get his grubby little hands on it. You know it, yet you can't stop yourself from panicking and trying to shove the cat back in the bag, even though you know it's impossible.

"Clauuuuuuuuude!"

Undeterred by your shrill whines and slaps at the paper, he continues to read the poem. After one or two more flails of your arm, you give up. It's like you aren't even there; supporting your frantically wiggling form with a slight stoop and one arm around one of your legs, which are crossed across his stomach, his hand doesn't so much as shake as he holds the paper aloft and ravenously drinks in the words borne of your sensitive soul. With a groan, you defeatedly drop your face into Claude's shoulder right as he finishes reading his find.

"Hey."

You don't answer him, prompting him to jostle your body slightly and repeat in a more insistent tone, "Hey."

"What?" you grumble without lifting your head. Your panic has morphed into a mixture of embarrassment and frustration and a wee bit of anger at what you felt was a transgression of your privacy, and you are in no mood to entertain the teasing he is sure to inflict upon you now.

"It's good."

"What?" you ask again, this time whipping your head up in shock. Claude had been looking at you, and if weren't for his fast reflexes, your forehead would have collided directly with his. He laughs as he ducks his head sideways to avoid your noggin knocking his into next week, then smiles brightly in response to your open-mouthed gape of utter astonishment.

"I said, it's good!" he repeats eagerly.

You are immediately overcome with doubt, and your mouth snaps shut into a firm frown.

"You're just saying that," you sigh, slipping down from his back. Tiredness now overwhelms you as the adrenaline surge begins to fade from your blood; you totter over to the nearest surface, which happens to be your sofa, and you plop face-first into it with another long, drawn-out groan that is slightly muffled by the cushions.

"No, really! I mean it!" Claude insists, immediately following after you. He forces himself in the small bit of space between you and the cushions, and you are faced with the choice of either being shoved off the couch and onto the floor or turning on your side to face you. Though slithering off the couch to puddle on the floor like a pile of goop is tempting, you end up turning to face Claude instead; if you did slipped to the floor, he'd just follow you down there. So, you obediently turn, and Claude props himself up on one elbow and rests his cheek in his hand as the other taps the piece of paper against your nose.

"Hey." Claude smiles that innocent, boyish smile of his at you, and despite yourself, you find yourself being drawn in. Though you're pouting as you peer through your lashes up at him, your heart is now fluttering with hope. Does he really find your poetry good?

"Hey," you reply sullenly, eyes drifting down to the paper hovering between you.

"I mean it, you know," Claude repeats softly, eyes glittering over the top of the paper. "It's lovely."

"You really think so...?"

"Sure do," he quips, not hesitating for a second, and you just can't help but melt into him in relief because you know it's true.

A shy smile toying at your lips, you wind your arms around his neck and snuggle close to him as you bashfully mumble, "I'm sorry..."

"Sorry for what?" he asked, tilting his head slightly as his eyes widened in genuine bewilderment.

"Freaking out." Your apology barely sneaks around your teeth, which are worrying your bottom lip. "I was just... so embarrassed in the moment that I just couldn't help it."

"Mmm, that's okay," Claude shrugs, idly flipping the paper around his fingers as his focus is now one hundred percent on you. "It's kind of my fault, too, for pushing it. Wasn't very nice of me. I just couldn't help it," he admitted, his smile now turning lopsided with sheepish contrition. "You know how I get. As soon as I suspected you were hiding something from me, I had to get to the bottom of it. Especially 'cuz I figured it was something like this." He glances at the paper again, and you roll your eyes as he smirks in triumph. "And I sure did~"

"You're insufferable, you know that?" you mutter, and he just chuckles before dropping a placating kiss on the top of your head. Despite yourself, you are indeed placated; with a hum, you drop your head, close your eyes, and cuddle into him. You feel Claude shift as he flicks the paper onto the nearby side table so he can wrap his arm around your waist and hold you close. It is then that you process exactly what he'd said, and you crack an eye open as you frown.

"Hey... What did you mean by 'especially because you figured it was something like this?'" you ask.

Claude had also closed his eyes, preparing to doze; like a lazy lion rousing from sleep, he slowly peeked his eye open to look down at you.

"Mmm? Exactly what it sounds like," he answers nonchalantly. "I figured it was some sort of writing of yours. I wanted to read it."

"Why?"

"Because it's yours," he answers simply, both his eyes opening as he smiles softly at you. "It came from you. That in and of itself makes it worth reading, to me."

"Claude..." you breathe, swept off your feet by how overwhelmingly romantic the simplicity and authenticity of his answer was. You swell with adoration, nearly bursting with it, and it brings tears of gratitude and happiness and a whole host of other emotions to your eyes. You just bite down on your bottom lip and give him a tight squeeze, which he reciprocates with a boyish grin.

"So?" he asks eagerly.

"So?" you question, unsure of what he's asking.

"You'll let me read more of your poems, right?" he explains, grin widening. On the surface, he looks mischievous, but you can see the genuine interest sparkling underneath.

So that's why you swallow your instinctive hesitation, bury your face in his chest, cling tightly to his form, and smile widely as you shyly utter, "Okay, Claude... Just 'cuz it's you."

"'Just 'cuz it's me,' huh?" he chuckles, rubbing your back to soothe your nervous squirming. "Boy, do I feel special." He hugs you then, and his breath tickles your ear as he murmurs, "Can't ever be as special as you are, though. I'm no poet."

Oh, but he was, though he'd never know it. He was a poet among poets, only his poetry was weaved from not words, but the special bond between him and you. You can only dream of crafting art that rivaled what Claude made out of his love for you... but until your magnum opus came, you suppose you can share with Claude the words that you pull from the window to your soul, if only to let him know that you love him as much as he does you.

Because you do love him. You really, really do.

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[cbk1000]

So, I'm going to do a long post on my health issues because I haven't really gone into much detail, and there’s a Lot, and maybe this will help someone else. Under a cut, not for anything graphic, but just because this is long as fuck.

I'll note first that for at least a year, maybe longer, I've been having really bad fatigue and brain fog, like struggling to concentrate and not fall asleep at my desk in the middle of the afternoon kind of fatigue. I have to drink a cup of coffee or two before I write just so I can have enough caffeine to get me through a couple of hours of wording. I blamed it on my poor sleep, which for about the same amount of time has been really bad: trouble falling asleep no matter how exhausted I am, waking up multiple times a night, and always waking up feeling extremely tired. Turns out these are all common signs of iron deficiency, which I didn't realise at the time.

Back in February one night after working out I suddenly had a weird sensation in my throat. It felt mildly swollen, and my tongue felt kind of tingly/numb. Nothing like this had ever happened to me before and I assumed it was a mild allergic reaction, though I was confused because I hadn't eaten anything new and I couldn't think of any new environmental exposures that would have done it. I take a Benadryl; no change.

It's after normal office hours, so I decide to have Mr Jenn take me to an urgent care clinic to give me something for the inflammation in case it gets worse.

Doc asks me the usual questions about what I ate, feels my throat for swelling, looks in my mouth, etc. Throat is maybe a tiny bit red, but looks pretty normal. He says just to cover all the bases and because it's going around, he's going to test me for strep.

Strep culture comes back positive. I am genuinely shocked because I have had strep before, it was the worst sore throat of my life, and I felt super sick. I feel fine, aside from the weird feeling in my throat, and it doesn't actually hurt, it's just an uncomfortable sensation. Doc says I probably just caught it early.

I start antibiotics, some prednisone for the inflammation, and also my period. (Which I didn't think was relevant at the time, but looking back I believe it was.)

I feel fine; just a teeny bit run down, but I'm on my period and I have strep.

A few days after starting my period, I start feeling a little worse. Not terrible, just generally Not Well. I ask Mr Jenn if he'll do the grocery shopping (we usually go together) because I just don't feel up to it.

It's a long holiday weekend thankfully, so I have more time to get back on my feet before returning to work. I spend the weekend chilling on the couch with Mr Jenn watching movies. I don't feel absolutely wrecked, but I don't feel well enough to do much more than lie on the couch watching movies.

Tuesday I go back to work. I feel pretty crappy: shaky, weak, just generally shitty. I try to push through but only manage a couple of hours of work and then clock out and take a sick day. I'm concerned because I'm 7 days into a 10 day antibiotic course at this point, and I should be almost back to normal, not feeling way worse than when I started. I decide to lie down and see if I feel any better.

I start feeling AWFUL. So poorly I call Mr Jenn at work and ask if he'll come take me back to urgent care (I don't have a primary care doctor at this point) because this is completely abnormal and I should probably make sure this isn't some complication of strep.

Go back to urgent care, doc feels my throat and looks in my mouth; throat looks fine and he's not seeing any indication the strep is worse. He tells me to stop the Prednisone; some people can have a gnarly reaction to it even during a short course. He also advises me to get my thyroid checked out when I'm able to get established with primary care, because that could potentially be causing some issues.

I go home and spend the day on the couch feeling violently nauseated and ill.

I work a couple of hours a day the next few days, but can't manage much more than that. I'm not feeling nauseated anymore, but I'm very weak and shaky and can't even sit up for long because I feel so crappy.

Friday I'm feeling a little better; but then Saturday I notice I'm having some heart palpitations. It's not super bad, but it's never happened before and I'm very fit with no history of heart issues so I was a bit concerned, but just kept an eye on it.

Sunday I'm having bad tachycardia. My heart is racing when I'm just standing at the sink trying to wash my face. I'm feeling incredibly weak and overall terrible. One of the urgent cares in town has an EKG machine and will do cardiac assessments, so I decide to go there because I'm trying to avoid the hospital if possible.

Urgent care turns me away because the doctor on duty that day isn't comfortable handling cardiac issues, so I have to go to the hospital to get checked out.

I'm so weak I have to hold myself up on the front desk when checking in. I am too weak to stand without holding onto it for support and genuinely feel like I'm dying. I honestly cannot remember the last time I felt that horrible.

Hospital runs a bunch of labs, and does several imaging tests to check for a heart attack and pulmonary embolism. After a couple of bags of IV fluids my heart rate drops to normal and I don't feel back to normal, but I do feel far stronger. Doc says he can't find anything, but that doesn't mean there isn't something to find, so come back if I develop different symptoms or it gets worse.

I lay around on the couch Sunday and Monday.

Tuesday morning I wake up at like 2:00 shaking and feeling horribly weak. I decide to drink some Gatorade and eat some Saltines and see if that helps.

It doesn't. I've gone out to the couch to eat and drink so I don't disturb Mr Jenn, who is still asleep in the bedroom. Seamus is keeping me company, though, so there's that. I go back and forth about what to do. I feel genuinely awful.

I get dressed and wake poor Mr Jenn up at 4:00 and ask him to drive me back to the hospital. My heart is pounding again and I feel like I'm about to keel over.

Hospital doesn't want to redo the imaging tests because it's unlikely anything has changed there after a couple of days (and I had a normal EKG), but they run some more labs including a mono test and give me some more fluids. Doc is stumped. Says maybe it's some kind of virus doing this. (I have been tested for Covid, mono, and a couple of flu strains and all tests have come back negative.) I am discharged.

I update my boss because I took another sick day Monday and let her know I won't be able to work Tuesday either. I am absolutely exhausted when I get home and pass out for three hours, wake up, and feel like I could sleep a million more.

My boss is a former ER nurse and is super concerned about my heart rate and that I feel poorly enough to keep calling out sick, because that’s not like me.

Over the next couple of days she has me check in with her every couple of hours. She has me noting down my symptoms in detail and also making sure I'm eating every hour even though my appetite is poor and drinking plenty of water as well as electrolytes. That way if I have to go back to the hospital I can show that none of these issues are caused by dehydration or blood sugar issues from not eating.

Electrolytes help my heart rate a bit; some days it's almost back to normal. I don't feel as bad as when I first went to the hospital, but I'm still very weak and poorly and it's a struggle to keep my heart rate down.

I start getting terrible chills every day. Like, cold-to-the-bone, can't warm up even under a pile of blankets or in a hot bath. I never run a fever, but the chills are every day and last several hours usually. I always sleep with the fan on even in winter but can't run it now because I'm so cold all the time.

My heart rate goes back to 140+ bpm standing at my sink washing my face. I'm also having shortness of breath and chest pain at this point. I update my boss, and she says she thinks it's time to go back in. She offers to meet me at the hospital to help me advocate for some tests that might find something (she wants them to do an echocardiogram, which is an ultrasound of the heart, and blood cultures).

Hospital runs some more labs, and does an echo. Doctor says structurally my heart looks good, but he's seeing what might be an indication of pericarditis (inflammation of the sac around the heart). It causes a brightness in that area, and while that can sometimes be caused by flashback on the monitor, he says that coupled with some of my symptoms makes him comfortable giving a presumptive diagnosis of pericarditis. Standard treatment is a week of high dose ibuprofen for the inflammation, and I'll also be put on acid blockers to protect my stomach.

[autisticlifelessons]

Autistic Tips for Dealing with Constructive Criticism

Criticism is what helps us improve, but that doesn't mean it's easy for an autistic person to deal with. It has always been something I've struggled with, even if it's constructive and put in the nicest way possible. I get intense feelings of shame, sadness, even anger. I don't often experience meltdowns or shutdowns, but criticism is definitely a trigger for me. However, over time I have learned some strategies for dealing with it, so here are my top tips.

Where possible, give people the heads up criticism is something that is hard for you to take - if you know you take things really literally or if even the slightest criticism is going to put you in a poor frame of mind for the rest of the day, letting relevant people know about this can be enough for them to be a bit more mindful about what they say to you and when they say it. Communication really is key, folks (there can be big pay offs from putting up with some initial discomfort and awkwardness).

2. Talk through things with someone objective to the situation - if you are able to, get someone who cares about you (like a friend or family member) to go over the criticism with you. It gives you a chance to share you feelings and having someone more objective to the situation can help you identify what actions you need to take, as if you are feeling upset you aren't going to be at your most rational.

3. Give it time - don't set yourself up for more feelings of failure by expecting to make drastic improvements overnight. This is not realistic and puts you under a lot of pressure, which is almost never the intention of the person giving you the criticism. They should support you to identify small steps you can take, and to review this periodically to monitor progress and make any adjustments.

4. Ask for accommodations - if the criticism you have received is directly related to your autistic traits, that could be a sign for you to ask for reasonable adjustments to be made to help you. For example, if your boss has put in your performance review that they want you to speak more during meetings, but this is something you struggle with, that could be an ideal time to disclose your autism diagnosis if you haven't already. This is not always possible (there are pros and cons to disclosing), but it gives you the opportunity to suggest solutions, such as having the agenda ahead of time you so can write down your thoughts before the meeting takes place, or request that you have time to think about what you want to say. It's scary, but it can make a huge difference to how comfortable you feel.

5. Maintain perspective - If you are feeling angry or upset, now is NOT the time to start taking action. I once stayed up to 3am tinkering with a lesson plan because my mentor wanted to see certain improvements. I met the required standard but I was exhausted and disillusioned and my confidence was in tatters. I also tend to see things in extremes, which coupled with perfectionism means I often need a second opinion to ensure I have a rational response to something. Communicating how you are feeling with the person who gave the criticism gives them a chance to rectify what they said and clarify their meaning, as the chances are they did not intend to make you feel so awful (obviously in cases where they are being totally unreasonable or you are the target of bullying, this does not apply, and instead you would need to find someone to raise it with).

I am very, very aware that for many reasons, these tips may not be appropriate for you. However, I really hope that you can find something that will help you regulate yourself the next time you receive some constructive criticism. I learned too late that the purpose of constructive criticism is to help you improve, not make you feel like a failure and send you into extreme emotional distress. Remember that we are always learning - it is perfectly ok to make mistakes, to not know something or to need help. Remember too that if you are neurodivergent, you are already dealing with additional challenges to what a neurotypical person faces, but you also have many strengths and unique contributions to make. You got this!

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