#but THEN THERE'S AN ANXIETY CHECK NEEDED IN ASKING THEM

[etherealsworldvision]

Let’s Soothe Your Mind

Before I begin the reading I’d like to take a moment to talk about Save The Redwoods. They’re a non-profit organization who is committed to protect and restore redwood forests. If you’re interested do check out their website and if you’d like to further your support here is their donation link.

Divider Credits: @ianrkives & @plum98

New Song Discovery for the Reading: Reservations – Dugong Jr, Julia Lostrom, Keelan Mak

Pile 1 Pile 2 Pile 3

🚨 P.S.A 🚨 : I do not give personal readings! Disclaimer: this is for entertainment only!

Added Description: all my readings are timeless and meant to reach those who resonate to the messages.

[ General Messages: Rain; Autumn; Libra and Leo Seasons, “My love do you ever dream of candy coated raindrops”- Candy Rain by Soul for Real, Longboards (Skateboarding and Surfing); Raya the Last Dragon; Dewdrop; Spicy (foods); Avatar the Last Airbender; Fire Flakes; Honeydew; Drinks; Tantrums; Saturn Hour; Saturn Placements and Aspects; (Smithsonian) Museums; 1010; Kendrick Lamar; Trouble - Taylor Swift; Caught Up; Cheat; Exclusion; (Reaction) Memes; Distrust; Camping; Tents; Connections; Frustration; Online ]

Pile 1

[ Cards: Justice; Moon Reversed; Ace of Wands; Seven of Cups Reversed; Two of Wands ]

Confirmation Messages: Gojo & Geto; Anxiety (Playlist); “Get off of me/Ew get away,” (directed towards emotions feeling stuck to your body or feels like “bugs” crawling on skin); Anxiousness; Nervousness; Shadow and Bones (?); Shadow Hunters; Slowing Down; Chaotic Energy; Out of Control; Bugs; (Breaking) Habits; Messy Thoughts; Strategic; “Playing it Cool”; Patrick Star?; Hares; Hates Feeling Emotions; Pink Flowers (Real or Artificial); Systems Down; Mewing (?)

Something new might have happened or you feel like this is the universe (or whoever you believe in) giving you something. This energy feels like Carl and Cindy’s interaction (from Jimmy Neutron). In this case you’re Carl and Cindy is the universe lol. Maybe you were in a rut or had a cycle of “unfortunate events” in regard to circumstances or people.

If you’re asking for clarification: You have free will — it’s up to you whether you want to continue what you’re doing or not. I’m not sensing anything “bad” or “malicious” intent in regards to what/who you’re inquiring about. There’s this sense of catastrophizing new things. There’s also this feeling of “too good to be true”. I don’t know if you said/thought/felt this: “I need a fucking break” is strongly coming in.

So now that you have this break — it’s almost like you don’t know what to do or how to proceed. It’s as if you’re holding a globe but you don’t get to actually go anywhere. Maybe at one point you did get experience with this, only to be let down? Either way having no control is what’s scaring you and causing this anxiousness (especially if this deals with a person).

What’s coming in for those who are iffy about proceeding: “let them, just let them because you are your own before and after meeting this person”. This can also deal with a situation too — as in this doesn’t define you. There is no need to punish/blame yourself for being afraid/ not taking this offer. It just means you weren’t ready and that’s okay. Go at your own pace.

For those of you who want to proceed with this situation/person then you’ll have to let down your walls bit by bit. Again it’s okay to go at your own pace or ask to slow down. The same applies: “let them”. The door is always open so let them or “let you”. You can always set it down and move to the next one. It’s okay.

Bonus Question to Ask Yourself: “What did I keep doing that keeps hurting? Why do I keep repeating this behavior?” - by WNRS

So that’s all that I’m getting for pile 1. If you made it this far, thank you so much for reading this, I really appreciate it. If this resonates let me know. I am supporting you through and through 🧡!

Pile 2

[ Cards: Three of Swords Reversed; 3 of Pentacles Reversed; 6 of Swords; 5 of Pentacles Reversed; 9 Of Swords; 3 of Wands ]

Confirmation Messages: Courage; Charli XCX (Brat album); The Sun; Music; Concerts; Celebrity; Billie Eilish; Air and Earth Placements; Careless; Responsibility; Overthinker; New Things; Success; Moving On; 55; 66; 333; 9; Truth; Waiting; Patience; Releasing Judgement; Let it flow; Getting or Wanting Numbers? Holding Back; Calculated Risks; Chappell Roan; Doechii; Temptation - Raveena; Gemini; Aries

So I’m feeling like you’re releasing this heartache (for some it could be from your past?) I don’t know why, I pulled a clarification and it’s the 10 of Cups and I heard “No that’s so scary, Boo Feelings and Happiness!” So maybe you’re afraid of things working out because you were always let down in the past.

I feel like this can be about a connection (?) — there’s a lot of air coming in which means social lives. This may have come when things just started to calm down or in the midst of healing? To be honest this pile’s energy tends to overthink a lot. Like I feel like there’s this thing where you’re scared of saying the wrong thing which makes you take a step back only to make the overthinking worse. Maybe you’re asking friends what to do because I split the deck and saw 3 of Cups.

For some reason I feel like you need more reassurance so I’ll just pull out more cards for you. So I got the 2 of cups and the Eight of Wands (reversed), Judgement, and the Emperor. The first thing I’m picking up is that: you two may have opposite personalities or are awake at different times because we have two blue cards and two gold cards.

I’m also getting that the pace is painfully slow despite things going smoothly. It’s like you want to take control but you’re aware it won’t go smoothly if you rush it. For some of you there’s this thing of being afraid to take the “lead” or being pressured by society to take the lead.

(Side note: I don’t know who needs to hear this but there’s no hierarchy in a connection. There’s no, “who wears the pants” or whatever heteronormative stuff that gets constantly pushed into connections. What makes a connection work is when both people see each other as equals and accepting of one another)

You’re going to hate me for this but…it takes time and teamwork for a connection to work out. So yeah, go at your own comfortable pace (not a pace society tells you to go by) and enjoy the present time. For some reason I really have to “hammer it in” to take your time; let this connection take its time. Let things fall into place all on its own and if you feel called to do something (meaning the timing is right) then by all means take that initiative.

When you let things slowly progress you will also get a better understanding and feel of this person, from there you can see if you want to proceed or not.

Bonus Questions to Ask Yourself: “When have I given too much of myself in a relationship (could also be platonic)? What did that look like? What lesson did that leave me with?” - WNRS

That’s really all I’m getting, to be honest this reading is so chaotic and so long even though it barely reached 5 paragraphs. If you made it this far thank you so much, I appreciate it. I’m wishing you luck and please take your time!

Pile 3

[ Cards: Queen of Pentacles; 7 of Swords; Justice; Five of Cups Reversed; 8 of Pentacles; 7 of Cups; 7 of Pentacles ]

Confirmation Messages: Horror Games; Paranormal; Libra; Yellowjackets; Birds of a Feather; Unrequited; Nevada; Winter; Baby Powder; Scents; Insincerity; Friday; Outcasts; Water(falls); Late Spring; (Couples) Therapy; 777; (Down by the Water) PJ Harvey; Library; Goth (Music); Unknown; Earth Placement; Situationship; Clear Mind; Tiredness; “Success is the Best Revenge”; Lana Del Rey; Distractions; Cheating; 1:23

You may have left a connection or felt this person was dishonest. I think what made it worse is outside advice (which is ironic because y’know we’re here lol). Perhaps someone gave you the, “time heals all wounds” or “it’s okay! Just get pretty and focus on your job!” Only to feel dread, I’m not going to lie. I don’t know if you put a limit to your sadness because there’s this sense of, “I should be over this by now.” I feel like some of you did achieve this success/glow up you wanted yet still feel grief.

Honestly, it’s okay to grieve as long as you want to. There is no time limit to feel grief and sadness. Realistically speaking, grief stays with us. Grief can come in the form of memories popping up or when you feel nostalgic — that’s a part of grief and that’s okay. All we can do is look at them and see them for who they are and what they did. (Now, I’m not excusing their actions at all!) For example; it’s one of those things where someone waits for years to get closure only to get nothing and in the end they accept they’ll never get it.

I know this may sound bitter and for some bittersweet, but let the grief flow. You’re not crying over “spilt milk”, for all we know it’s not just spilt milk! Maybe it was milk you got with your hard earned money and now you don’t have milk because you just spent the last portions of your money so you can wipe your ass! So no, it’s not just milk! (lol sorry I just hate when the 5 of cups gets that connotation — there’s always something deeper to it.)

Look, distracting yourself out of emotions via deep diving in your work isn’t always the best thing to do. Sometimes you need silence (no music or sounds!) and sit with yourself. Really sit, lay or something with yourself and be vulnerable. Sit with that feeling for just a minute (not drown in it) because it’s asking to be acknowledged. Acknowledgment is a key to acceptance and with that comes the healing.

I feel like when you do acknowledge your grief, come to terms with the situation/person for who they are it’ll make the healing process bearable. I’m not saying it’ll be easier and you’ll be happy at a flip of a coin. I’m just saying because of this acceptance you may find you’re not doing your work/hobbies/goals for the sake of revenge but because it’s for you. You’re doing these things because you love it or for your own happiness/fulfillment.

Bonus Question to Ask Yourself: “What’s my favorite song at the moment? Why do I love it so much? (Play it for yourself)”. - by WNRS

Alrighty Pile 3 that’s all I got for you, thank you so much for reading until the very end! I appreciate it. I'm giving you some peace and love 🧡.

[katewritesthings]

Love Me Like I Can // Chapter 3

Chapter // Kiss You Masterlist Summary: Diana attends the PCAs and has a guest join her afterwards.

*Warnings: Language, drug use, sexual content, mental health struggles.

February 18, 2024

Diana was over the People’s Choice Awards already and she hadn’t stepped foot on the red carpet yet. Awards shows had always given her some sort of stage fright, but the feeling was multiplied tonight. Being nominated for an award individually and as a member of the cast was an honor, but she wished she could politely attend via satellite. 

The redhead was currently doing a puzzle and getting her hair curled in the living room of her hotel suite, anxiety bubbling in her stomach. Cathy was sitting on a stool at the island sending emails and attempting to give Diana and Biz the rundown of how the evening would go.

“You’re going to do the red carpet and please for the love of God, Diana, try to appear like you’re not being held at gunpoint,” the older woman said, knowing that interviews were the last thing the singer wanted to do before the awards ceremony. “You’re only going to stop for the host and IHeartRadio to plug your new tour.”

“Okay, I can do that,” Diana sucked in a deep breath, mentally preparing herself for the questions that would be asked. Her phone buzzed in her lap, indicating a text from Joe, making a joke about one of the trainers at the gym. He had taken the initiative to text Diana the night of their hangout and communication had been constant since. Picking through another handful of pieces from the pile in front of her, she picked out the two end pieces and sorted the rest by color.

“Once you’re in there, you and Biz will be seated at a table with Dove. I think Chloe and Halle are there, too. You’re not obligated to any after-parties, but please let me know if you’ll be going to one so I can have security on standby.”

Diana flushed a deep scarlet as she responded to Joe when she heard her sister snort, causing Cathy to look up from her laptop. Glancing between the sisters with an untrusting look, she waited momentarily before commanding, “Spill. Now.”

“Diana won’t be going to any after-parties because she’s getting a special delivery during the awards,” Biz teased, wrapping a section around the curling iron and spraying it with hair spray. “No, that’s not enough. I need details. Now.” Cathy was now using her stern voice, causing the sisters to stand up straight. Diana froze in place, fingers grasping at a corner piece she had been looking for. “I tried to tell him no! His flight lands at 8. No one was supposed to know!” Diana spat out frantically, trying to explain to Cathy why she had made plans without approval.

“Joe’s flying across the country to hang out with her because she’s nervous about tonight and he liiiikes her,” Biz elaborated when Cathy didn’t look satisfied with Diana’s answer. “Now, hold still before I burn you.”

“He does not! We’re just friends,” Diana squealed, not wanting her manager to get too invested in whatever was happening between her and Joe. Cathy had been her maternal figure for longer than her actual mother had, getting hired at the start of Diana’s career 14 years ago. She had picked up Diana’s broken pieces too many times to count and was extremely protective of her. Even though Cathy had been the one to put them in contact, Diana didn’t want to bring up the idea until she knew what the butterflies in her stomach meant whenever she saw his name on her phone.

“Okay. Well, you and your friend need to stay in the hotel tonight then. You don’t check out until Tuesday. Elizabeth and I leave at 11, tonight,” Cathy said with a sigh. Then softening her features, she looked at Diana directly. “Be safe and have fun, Di. Let yourself relax.” She then turned her attention back to the laptop in front of her. 

-----

February 10, 2024

Joe’s face illuminated her Macbook screen, filling Diana in on his recent trip to Aspen. He was in the middle of telling Diana the story of how Irv missed the ski lift on their first trip up the hill when a ‘ding’ rang from DIana’s phone. Comfort washed over her when she recognized the notification and not another text from Connor on a random number. In the past week, he had texted her from two different numbers saying he still had some of her belongings and that he’d like to talk to her in person. Both numbers were promptly blocked and pushed to the back of Diana’s mind.

“Sorry to interrupt, but I have to read this work email, give me a sec,” Diana said, opening the email app on her screen. Eyes scanning the itinerary that Cathy just sent her, her heart fell into her stomach.

“What’s wrong?” Joe asked, sensing the shift of emotions through the screen.

“I just got my itinerary for my LA trip next week. I forgot Biz had class the day after, so she’s leaving before I am,” Diana breathed, pulling at her lip. Diana had scheduled a last-minute writing session the day after the awards and just had assumed Biz would extend her stay as well. She was even planning on squeezing in a late Galentine’s Day lunch with Dove. 

Joe’s eyes observed her for a moment, still learning how to read her emotions. Though their video calls weren’t a rare thing over the past two weeks, he had yet to encounter this emotion in them. 

“Talk to me, Di. How are you feeling?” Joe’s voice cut through the voice of anxiety that was hounding her, coming up with increasingly more ridiculous scenarios. Trying to rid the idea that the entire ceremony was a set-up to show her how alone she was, she tried to explain “I guess I’m just anxious. I never really wanted to be on reality TV and my EP came out after the deadline, so I feel like I shouldn’t be invited. On top of being under a microscope because of everyone else going to be there. Just afraid I’m going to be in my head. It just seems like a lot to process alone, y’know?”

“Do you want someone to come stay with you?” Joe didn’t hesitate with his response, concern dripping from his voice. Diana felt her face heat up, unsure whether she was presumptuous in taking that as an offer to be the one to stay with her.

“I couldn’t ask anyone to do that. I only have like 12 free hours” Diana busied herself by locating her grinder and wraps and beginning the rolling process. Attempting to hide her embarrassment that she had no one, Diana made a joke at her own expense, “Plus, my Game of Thrones marathon probably is a lot less appealing to anyone than the afterparties that are going to be happening.”

“That’s not what I asked. I asked if you want someone to come stay with you.” Joe’s voice was now more serious, but the concerned look hadn’t left his face when Diana looked up. When their eyes met, Diana opened her mouth to speak but was cut off by Joe. He was scrolling on his iPad, eyebrows furrowed.

“The only flight I could get in on Sunday was right before the show,” Joe said, looking up from his iPad. “I booked it, we’ll figure out the rest later.”

Diana was genuinely surprised at the initiative. While the two had been texting every day and they had found time to FaceTime a handful of times after Diana got out of her writing sessions the past week, the topic of seeing each other again hadn’t come up. Something Diana was fine with, as she was having a hard enough time fully understanding what she was feeling for Joe. She found it easier to keep telling herself that she wasn’t developing a crush on Joe when their conversations focused on their daily activities, Game of Thrones, and the fun facts Joe had been sending her every day.

Fortunately for Diana’s nature, the writing sessions she had been in the past week had been focused on four songs she had brought to the group, all starting at different points in her healing journey. The three other writers she was working with helped her take the bare bones of songs she had presented and helped her work them into something that she couldn’t wait to record next month. The process allowed her mind to focus on the emotions she was working through when she first began the song. Unfortunately, this process uncovered trauma that she hadn’t expected, making a new relationship seem even scarier. While she knew that she had no feelings left for her ex, the betrayal he left had opened old wounds. The voices of inadequacy and abandonment she had felt since her mother had left were the loudest they had been in almost fifteen years. For all of these reasons, Diana knew she should refuse Joe’s offer to come stay, again. And yet, she didn’t.

“Thank you, you really didn’t need to do that,” Diana heard her voice before she realized she was talking. 

“I know I didn’t need to. I help my friends out. Plus, I wanted to see you, consider this an excuse.”

And with that, the singer decided she was going to avoid the fondness she was growing towards the athlete on her screen, and just enjoy his friendship. 

-----

February 18, 2024

“Diana! Over here! Look over here!” 

“Pose for us Red!”

“Can you give us a wave, Di!”

Flashes blinded  Diana as she made her way off the red carpet and into the venue where the People’s Choice Awards was being held. Honestly, this red carpet was better than she had expected this morning. The promise that she would only stop for two interviews had brightened her mood exponentially. The iHeartRadio interviewer looked like he was itching to ask her about The Cheating Incident,  but thankfully followed Cathy’s instructions to keep the topics limited. 

Making a beeline for the bar and immediately downing her first flute of champagne, Diana immediately grabbed two more and mentally prepared herself for the rest of the night as she attempted to spot her sister in the sea of people.. Double-fisting her way through the crowd, she thought about how she was always envious that Biz got to skip the pictures and could just walk in the back. Biz always responded that she was jealous that Diana got the vocal range and insisted it was a fair trade. 

Spotting her sister’s face across the room, Diana began weaving through the crowd of impossibly beautiful people. Mindful of the fact that the room was being live-streamed to hundreds of thousands of people, Diana made sure to keep her expression neutral while on her journey. This was the first time she was going to be in the same room as Bedford Scrolls since October and both Diana and the pop-culture-loving world were hyperaware.  She hadn’t seen them yet, but it was better to be one step ahead than be caught with a meme-able reaction on Live TV.

A little over halfway across the room, Diana’s vigilance proved to not be enough when she felt a hand on her right arm.  Diana was so caught off guard by the unexpected touch and focusing on not spilling her champagne that it took hearing the person’s voice to recognize the person. 

“Don’t worry, babe. I got ya,” the familiar voice of Kyle, the drummer of Bedford Scrolls, filled Diana’s ears. “He just left to go to the bathroom and bar before the show starts.” Relief fled through Diana’s body as she processed his words and finally opened her arms for a hug. She may have been angry with Connor, but the band was just as clueless about the affair as Diana was. Their support over the last few months had been constant and loud, always being the first to let Connor know that what he did was wrong. “I just wanted to say hi before he came back,”  Kyle wrapped Diana’s smaller frame in a hug before pulling away. “We tried to get him to stay home, but he insisted that he’s why we’re nominated.” Diana gave Kyle a knowing look, eyebrows raised. Connor had always had somewhat of an ego, but with rose-colored glasses of love, Diana had always just taken it as confidence. “He seriously needs to get over himself,” she scoffed in response.

“I should warn you, he’s on one tonight. Hannah entered a mental health center Friday and he hasn’t stopped talking about seeing you since.” “Fuck,” Diana muttered, a fake smile plastered on her face as she spotted the camera behind Kyle’s shoulder panning in her direction. “He’s not planning on talking to me here, is he?”

“No, no. Gavin’s got him on tight orders to not communicate with anyone besides us tonight. Even followed him to the bathroom,” Kyle smiled, referring to the security guard who had been with the band for years. The idea that the man in his 50s was following her shithead ex around for the night turned her smile real.

“Good. How is April?” she asked, changing the subject to Kyle’s family. The two caught up for a moment, exchanging stories about Kyle’s wife and Diana’s writing. It wasn’t long, though, before Kyle looked over Diana’s shoulder and his eyes faltered. “He’s coming back over, you should go. You look lovely, good luck.” Kyle said before enveloping Diana in another tight hug. It was weird, she thought to herself as she returned to her original mission, she missed the band that she lost more than she missed the man. 

Making it to her assigned table without any more interruptions, Diana slid into the chair between her sister and Dove. They were seated at a table with cast members from another reality show that Diana felt guilty to admit she didn’t recognize. Luckily, they were engulfed in their own world and paying no attention to the addition to the table.

“Hello, beautiful,” Dove greeted, resting her head on Diana’s shoulder with a smile. The two had been introduced at some industry Christmas event and had quickly fallen into an innocent flirtatious friendship whenever in the same room. The conversation between the two quickly drifted towards the upcoming tour that both of them would be on.

“I cannot wait to perform in front of a crowd, again. It’s been so long,” Diana said excitedly to the dark-haired Disney darling.

“You’re going to do amazing. I can’t wait to watch you perform,” Dove said, winking at the red-headed singer. Diana felt her cheeks fill with heat, as she shook her head.

“Don’t shake your head, your songs are sexy. I can’t wait to hear you sing them,” Dove let out a giggle, but it sounded genuine, not condescending. “Plus, a tour with all girls is amazing! It’s like a girl’s night every night!”

Before long, the ceremony began and Diana tried her best to look equally excited for each nominee. Diana wasn’t sure if it was the fourth glass of champagne she was working on or her nerves, but the night was passing quicker than she had imagined. Her phone buzzed from her lap, pulling her attention away from the stage where Dua Lipa was performing.

Joe 

Watching what I can. That dress is incredible on you Good luck!

Instinctively a smile spread across Diana’s lips as the end of Dua’s song faded out. The presenters for the next award came on stage and Biz nudged her sister’s side to catch her attention. “This is your category.”

Sarah Hyland and Renee Rapp were at the microphone, introducing the Favorite Reality TV Star of the Year nominees. Diana looked up just as her face appeared on the screens on stage along with the other nominees. Renee said her name and a clip from Band Together’s last episode began playing on the dozens of monitors filling the room. Diana heard her heartbroken voice fill the auditorium and prepared herself for the scene that began to roll.

“I was ride or fucking die for you. And I was her hype-man, too. The fact that she continued to smile in my face while smiling on FaceTime with you is one of the most god-awful, disgusting things I have ever heard.” Diana was curled up in a blanket, Connor pacing around the living room they shared at the time. 

“I’m sorry you had to see that,” the bassist said, emotionless, taking a seat on the armchair across the room from Di.

“Why don’t you be sorry you ever fucking did it?!”

“Look, I was wrong, I get it. But I didn’t mean for it to happen that way. I don’t know what you want from me!” Connor was looking at Diana like he was the heartbroken one.

“For you to die.”

The screens cut back to the crowd reactions of the nominees as Renee and Tina continued to read off the next nominees’ names as their scenes played. Diana took a deep breath and reminded herself that she was the one nominated, not Connor. Even if she lost, she couldn’t be painted as the bad guy he attempted to set up on the show this past season.

Diana must have zoned out for the rest of the nominees, because before she knew it Tina opened her mouth to say, “And the winner for Favorite Reality TV  Star goes to…” before opening the envelope and announcing the winner in sync with Renee.

“Diana Hayes for Band Together!”

Biz shrieked next to the singer and the rest of the table stood up to shower her in praise and congratulations before she made her way to the stage. In utter shock, Diana began the journey to the stairs in shock that the public had chosen her as their favorite Reality TV star because of the way she stood up for herself. The proof was playing in the background behind her as she took to the stage.

Connor was still sitting on the armchair across from Diana, head in his hands, fake crying. Taking place moments after the last scene that played, Diana was still stone-faced, but heartbroken on the couch.

“I regret ever standing up for you, defending you. I regret supporting you and putting my career on hold for you. You’re worth nothing. And I want you to hear my words, the woman who stood by you and loved you, the woman who would have built my whole life around you, and know that’s how I feel about you. I regret ever loving you.”

Diana’s last words to Connor played over the speakers while the room applauded. The surreal feeling of people cheering after one of the rawest, most painful moments of her life played on a giant screen for everyone to watch.. At least she wasn’t Connor right now.

“Wow, really. I didn’t expect this at all, really. I didn’t even think of writing a speech because I thought this was impossible. Reality TV was never something I considered my thing. In fact, I quit before I even got nominated for this.” Diana joked and the audience gave a soft laugh, relieving some of the tension in the star’s shoulders. “Thank you to anyone who voted for me, watched the show, and streamed my new EP. Thank you for telling me that I still have a spot in this industry if I want it. Thank you to all my new friends who have shown me that my world didn’t crumble, it just got a cruel upgrade. I can’t wait to see you on tour!”

The crowd applauded and Diana heard wolf whistles coming from somewhere she couldn’t distinguish through the tears. She was in complete shock still, blown away by the fact that she had won a fan-voted award against the likes of a Kardashian. Walking off stage and to the press room, she heard the presenters for Favorite Reality TV Show come on stage. After the reading of the nominees, she heard the voice announce Band Together as the winner and watched the backstage monitor as the band ascended the stage.

Miles, the frontman of the group, approached the microphone first. “First of all, we’d like to thank the fans of our band and the show for voting for us, you all are amazing.” Kyle walked up next, “And next we’d like to thank the crew who works tirelessly on this show. The amount of hours you all put into us and the finished product is greatly appreciated.” Connor attempted to make his way to the mic, but Kyle and Miles stepped in front of him as Isla leaned into the microphone. “And finally, we’d like to thank the real reason this show even got recognized. We can’t say names, but you know who you are and your fanbase knows who you are. Thank you for being such a force and finding strength when it seemed impossible.” Music started playing the band off stage as Connor struggled against his bandmates. What they don’t tell you about some charismatic men is that other emotions besides happiness tend to be expressed just as big as their infatuation and happiness. The anger just tends to come at a time after you’ve fallen for the charm and flattery. Diana thanked God that she no longer had to deal with the outburst that came with his anger. 

Still buzzing from being on stage, Diana returned to her seat and checked her phone to mentally prepare herself for the next stressor of the evening: seeing Joe. Sometime while she was away from her purse, Joe had texted and said he’d landed and was on his way to the hotel with a bottle of champagne. Excitement mingled with the adrenaline from winning, easing her nerves about the fact that Joe was staying in her suite. Realistically, it made the most sense as most hotels were booked out all week for the PCAs and Diana would have a two-bedroom suite to herself when Biz left in about an hour and a half.

The rest of the show went on without anything unusual and before long the closing credits began to roll. Standing up with the rest of the group, the Hayes sisters began to say their farewells to the various entertainers who were now mingling amongst themselves. Normally, they would stay and socialize for a moment, but they were on a tight schedule.

“Excuse us, but we’ve got to leave ASAP!” Biz urged while Diana was still chatting with Dove and the Bailey sisters, Chloe and Halle.. Diana made eye contact with her sister just as the younger’s face twisted into a mischievous smirk covering her tipsy face. She opened her mouth again.

“I’ve got a plane and Di’s got a dick to catch, so we’re in a hurry,” the brunette said, her sister’s elbow making contact with her ribs halfway through the sentence. Chloe’s head was thrown back in a full belly laugh and Halle hid her blush behind her hands; the intensity of which only deepened with Dove’s quick response..

“Well, if it’s unsatisfactory and you need someone who knows their way around a lady, I’m always a phone call away,” Dove’s musical voice directed itself to Diana as she pulled her in for a kiss on the cheek. Diana was attempting to formulate a response, but Dove was pulled away by some other former Disney actor. Diana always froze up when pretty girls flirted with her, even if she knew those pretty girls were only joking.

“Damn, she’s got game,” Chloe wheezed between laughs, hugging Diana and Biz goodbye.

Diana spent the ride to her hotel trying to calm her remaining nerves. She and Biz parted ways when they exited the ceremony. Diana left in a blacked-out SUV with Tommy, one of her security guards, while Biz was accompanied by everyone else on Diana’s team.

Just as she was beginning to convince herself that Joe had flown here as an elaborate prank, her phone buzzed with a series of texts. Some of her anxiety faded when she read them.

Joe 

Going to try to do some of this puzzleWhat the hell.You’ve got to be missing pieces…

Diana couldn’t help but smile. At their last hangout, she had joked she was going to make him do a puzzle with her, but they found themselves otherwise indisposed. But the idea of ending such a mentally exhausting night doing her comfort activity with someone who was becoming increasingly more of a comfort for her sounded wonderful.

Sending a text when she got to the hotel to warn Joe of her imminent arrival, Diana took a deep breath and she opened the hotel suite door to face the rest of her night. 

“I feel completely out of place,” Diana laughed out loud at her state of overdress when she finally caught sight of Joe. He was sitting on the living area sofa in front of the puzzle, some History Channel documentary on in the background. He was dressed in a pair of comfortable sweatpants and a Bengals t-shirt that was much more appropriate for the comfort of the hotel room than Diana’s bedazzled dress and heels. 

Joe rose from the couch when he heard her voice, greeting her with a hug that wasn’t as awkward as Diana had expected it to be.

“Congratulations on your win!” Diana could hear the smile in his voice as he pulled away. “You look amazing.” 

“Thank you. Honestly, I was so nervous,” Diana responded meekly, stepping back and setting down her belongings. “You did great,” Joe said walking back to the couch and sitting down in front of the table.”I, on the other hand, cannot figure out this fucking puzzle.” A laugh escaped Diana’s lips as she peaked over the back of the couch. There was not much progress made on the 500-piece puzzle on the mat, but Joe had made diligent work of sorting the pieces by color. 

“You almost finished sorting, though! That’s the worst part.”

Joe turned his head to shoot her a confused look, causing another laugh to fill the room.

“Let me go de-glam and I’ll come help.” With that Diana excused herself to her bedroom. 

-

Diana felt much more comfortable after a quick shower and a change of clothes. Matching Joe’s vibe, Diana sat next to him in a pair of joggers and a tank top staring at the puzzle in front of them. Joe finished sorting the pieces from the box,  while Diana worked on the frame, both drinking champagne from coffee cups that Joe had found. 

“I swear, I tried to find all the end pieces, but there are so many pieces here,” Joe joked, finishing up with the last handful of pieces. 

“This is only 500 pieces you should see some of the 2000-piece ones I have at home,” Diana said proudly, finishing the frame.

“I knew you said you were into puzzles, but I didn’t think it was that serious,” Joe looked at her smiling. 

“They just help me relax, I don’t know. With my ADHD and anxiety, if I don’t keep my mind occupied I spiral.” It was something that Cathy had suggested while watching Diana struggle to manage her mental state during her last tour. Hoping she hadn’t brought down the mood, she glanced over at Joe, whose face still held a faint smile paired with his previous focused look.

“I’m going to be real with you, Di. I do not understand how this could be relaxing, but I totally understand the need to keep busy. I just usually just go to the gym or play video games, though.” 

“The gym is my literal worst nightmare,” Diana said, nose scrunched up. “It’s been mandatory to get ready for tour and it is so exhausting.”

“You just have to find the routine that fits you. If I had to do cardio all day, I’d hate it,” Joe reassured her.

Diana was pleasantly surprised at how easily she found herself relaxing after such an anxiety-inducing night as she and Joe worked on assembling the pieces into an image that resembled the melted crayons on the box.

“So, I saw your updated tour schedule,” Joe spoke, the casual tone in his voice sounding a little off. Diana knew he was referring to the fact that a handful of shows had been added throughout, including one in Cincinnati. 

“Yeah, we had to wait on approval from some venues before we could announce all the dates,” Diana said, placing another piece of the puzzle. She was trying her best to sound nonchalant. “I was going to ask if you wanted to come to a show, but I wanted to wait until I was allowed to mention there was one in Cincinnati.”

“I wouldn’t miss you performing in my city,” Joe looked over, smile shining bright. “I saw you were on a break after that one, I can show you around if you want.” “That sounds good,” Diana said, hiding her matching grin with her cup of champagne.. “I’ve actually never been there more than 12 hours.”

“We’ll have to give you the hometown treatment, then.”

Diana knew she couldn’t blame the fact that she was staring at Joe on the slight buzz she had when she realized Joe had stopped talking. She wasn’t even sure what he had said last before she zoned out looking at the creases by his eyes and the color of his lips.

A sense of guilt overtook Diana when she realized her mind had drifted to memories of their last hangout. She had spent all day trying to convince everyone, herself included, that she and Joe were just friends. Diana drained her cup trying to push all PG-13 and up thoughts out of her head.  Have fun, be safe. love you, Cathy.

Even her manager was plotting against her. With a deep breath, Diana refocused and left the room with a preroll, lighter, and fake composure. When she got to the living area of the suite, she saw Joe still working on the puzzle.

“I’m just going to step out on the balcony. Do you want to come?,” Diana’s voice must have startled Joe because he gave a small jump. Without a response, he stood up and followed her to the sliding glass doors. Once out on the balcony, Diana made sure the door was shut tight before sitting down beside Joe. He had made himself comfortable, sitting sideways on the lounge chair so it was more like a couch. Diana lit the preroll and inhaled the smoke. 

“I don’t know if you partake but you’re more than welcome to hit this,” her voice cut through the silence. The high clouding her thoughts, it was easy to forget how nervous she had been mere seconds ago. 

“I don’t get tested till June, fuck it,” Joe said, reaching out to grab the joint she was holding towards him. 

The two sat in silence for a moment, enjoying the commotion of the city and inhaling the medicinal herb. It only took a few passes before Joe started coughing, which turned into fits of laughter. 

“I figured you’d be a lightweight, but damn,” Diana giggled as she stubbed out the butt of the joint. After she was sure it was safely put out, she turned her attention towards Joe again.

“Hey, just because you’re fucking Snoop Jr doesn’t mean you can make fun of me,” Joe said with a smile plastered on his face.

“Snoop Dogg?!” It was hard to make out her words through her giggles. “I mean, I don’t know. I couldn’t think of anyone else! I don’t do this often.”

The two sat in their fit of laughter for a few more moments before silence fell over them. The worry that had filled Diana’s brain earlier returned to full force. It felt so natural to be with Joe, but the unrelenting feeling that she couldn't commit was weighing heavy on her at the moment. Joe turned his head to look at her, goofy smile still plastered in place, and asked her, “What are you thinking about?”

“You don’t want to know.,” replied Diana, voice barely above a whisper. 

“I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to know.”

“I’m thinking that I don’t know if I’m ready to be more than friends, but I really just wanna kiss you.” “What if both of those things were okay with me?” Joe countered.

That’s all it took for Diana to launch herself at Joe, pushing his back against the the backrest of the lounge chair. Climbing up his body to straddle him, Diana made quick work of placing her lips against Joe’s jawbone. Trailing her way to his neck with sloppy kisses and biting lightly, Diana ground her hips into the growing erection beneath her pelvis. 

Joe released a groan into Diana’s mouth as her hands traced his biceps and chest over the cotton of his t-shirt. Grabbing a fistful of the material, Diana quickened the pace of her hips as her tongue licked against Joe’s. Diana felt the athlete’s strong arms move to wrap themselves around her smaller frame. Pulling back and taking a breath, Diana allowed Joe to say, “Let’s take this to the bedroom.”

Tightening his grip around Diana’s body, Joe stood up and carried her towards the room she had claimed as her own. Joe opened the door with ease and made his way to the bed in a few quick strides. Standing at the edge of the bed, he laid Diana down and took off his shirt. Diana found it difficult to take her eyes off of his broad shoulders and well-cut torso.

“Like what you see?” Diana could almost hear the smirk in his voice before she raised her gaze to his face. “Something like that,” her voice was so heavy with lust that she barely recognized it. Hooking her fingers in the waistband of Joe’s sweatpants she pulled him closer, causing him to kneel on the bed. Leaning down so that his larger frame was hovering over her, he connected their mouths again.

Diana felt a slight tug at the hem of her tank top as she heard Joe’s gruff voice ask, “Can I take this off?” Waiting for a nod of agreement, Joe pulled away and helped Diana strip herself of the flimsy material.  The hunger in Joe’s blue eyes deepened as his eyes raked over her chest before bringing his hand to massage her breast with his calloused hands.

The moan that Diana let out caused Joe to groan and buck his hips, finding his way back to the lips in front of him. Their hands roamed each other’s bodies for a brief moment before Diana’s hands slinked their way down the front of Joe’s waistband once more, pausing briefly before receiving the okay from Joe.

Diana’s delicate fingers reached down and wrapped around the warmth of Joe’s cock. It took everything in her to not react at the size of him. She had some idea that he was well-endowed based on their close proximity the last two times they’d hung out, but having him in her hand had shocked her. Not only was the length impressive, but Diana was unable to wrap her hand around his shaft fully. To say Joe was blessed was an understatement.

Shaking the surprise from her head, Diana began to stroke her hand slowly as her lips still moved against Joe’s. A groan of pleasure fell from Joe’s lips into Diana’s as one hand continued to massage Joe’s dick while the other began to push his pants and boxers down his legs. Kicking out of his clothing, Joe’s hands busied themselves, ridding Diana of her shorts and finding the sensitive nub between her legs. 

When his hands met the apex of her thighs, he was pleasantly surprised at how wet she already was for him. He spent a moment rubbing circles on her clit before inserting a finger inside of her. Diana gasped in pleasure as she felt herself stretch around the single digit before he added another one, preparing her for himself. 

Diana arched into his touch and let out a soft moan when Joe curled his fingers inside of her. The worries about what their relationship held fell from her mind as she gave into the pleasure she was feeling. The look on Joe’s face went from that of concentration to hungry satisfaction when he felt Diana’s walls clench around his fingers and the moan fall from her lips, a clear indication that she was eager for more.  With a grunt of approval, Joe used his thumb to tease her clit while she continued to massage his dick. 

Their blue eyes met as they continued to pleasure each other before Joe pulled away. Diana shot him a confused look as he began to fumble through the discarded clothes pile on the floor. A moment later, he looked up, a triumphant expression on his flushed face holding a gold foil packet. Diana’s confusion faded away when she realized what he was doing.

“Oh? Someone was expecting this,” she teased, mind flashing to the brand-new box that Cathy had left for the two of them earlier. 

Joe shook his head and replied, “Someone was hoping for this, there’s a difference. I just thought I should be prepared.” He tore open the foil packet and began rolling the condom over his erection. Diana was sure that she had never wanted anyone more as she watched him crawl onto the bed and position himself over her. With one hand he lifted Diana’s leg and with the other, he gave his dick two long strokes before he lined his head up with her slick entrance. 

Diana’s mind went blank with pleasure when Joe finally sank into her. Giving Diana a moment to adjust to his size, Joe caught her lips in a sloppy kiss until she bucked her hips into his needily. He matched her pace and broke the kiss. 

“Fuck, you feel so good,” his voice came out breathy and low, scratching a part of Diana’s brain that she didn’t know existed. This man was driving her absolutely feral she thought as she hooked her legs around his back.

Diana’s eyes fluttered shut as she lost herself in the pleasure building up in her core. When she opened them again, she locked eyes with a smiling Joe. “You’re so fucking beautiful.”

Before Diana could pull away in embarrassment, Joe caught her lips in another kiss and increased the speed of his thrusts. Any insecurity was pushed out of her mind with the rush of ecstasy that filled her mind. Diana’s body moved instinctually against Joe’s, falling into a needy rhythm. Head tilting backward, breaking the kiss, she released a breathy moan causing Joe to close his eyes, and stifle a groan. Joe’s rhythm stayed steady as Diana forced herself to focus on the the sensations happening within her body

“That’s right, babe. Good girl.” Joe said, smiling as wide as he had been on the balcony

Ecstasy mixed with the weed and champagne in Diana’s system as she was pushed over the edge into an orgasm. Chills ran down her spine as the pleasure caused her to arch her back and moan loudly. 

“You like that?” Joe questioned, smile turning slightly cocky. Diana nodded, still lost in the afterglow of her orgasm when she felt Joe pull out and tap her hips.

“Flip over,” he instructed, moving Diana’s body before she had the chance. Once positioned on her hands and knees, Joe made quick work in moving behind Diana and reentering her. 

Face pressed against the sheets, she felt Joe’s fingers tangle through her long hair and pull slightly. Carefully, she snaked her hand down between her legs and started rubbing quick circles on her sensitive clit. 

“Yes, Yes,” she chanted, sure her brain was going to turn to mush. Joe was moving quickly and sharply, hitting a spot that caused Diana’s vision to start blurring with each thrust. 

“That’s right baby, cum on my cock. Let me make you feel good,” the grunts came out breathy and in between thrust. That didn’t matter to Diana because the huskiness of his voice sent Diana over the edge again. 

The sensation of Diana’s pussy clenching must have sent Joe over the edge because without any indication his thrusts began to slow down and came to a stop. Before he pulled out, he leaned over and placed small kisses on Diana’s spine. 

“Thank you, that was incredible,” Joe responded, voice still gravely from their encounter. He pulled out and began cleaning up. 

“Oh, trust me. It was my pleasure,” Diana giggled. “I’ll be right back. Need to get cleaned up.” She grabbed the robe off of the hook on the door and slipped into the en-suite to freshen up. She was washing her hands after peeing when her post-nut clarity hit her. She had just fucked Joe. And loved it. But also, he seemed to understand that she wasn’t ready for a relationship so that was good. Unfortunately the “drunk on the toilet” intoxication also hit her, meaning that she was now panicking on how the rest of her night was going to unfold. 

“He said it was fine. You’re fine,” Diana said to herself as she paced the bathroom. Brushing her teeth to buy herself two more minutes, she finally calmed herself down enough to walk back into the bedroom. 

“So, do you want to finish the puzz-“ Diana’s question was cut off when she realized that Joe had fallen asleep, covered only in the bed’s top sheet. The drawer next to the bed was open, the box of condoms in his hand. 

Diana let out a small chuckle before removing the box from his hand and turning off the lights. She wasn’t so intoxicated that she couldn’t hear the little nagging feeling that said sleeping next to Joe tonight would not help her keep her feelings platonic after he blew her back out. However, the feeling of Joe’s arm pulling her into a cuddle when she crawled into bed told her she could deal with that come morning. 

-------------- I'm sorry if this sucks and that it took so long. Next chapter won't be so late. Love you taglist lovelies: @therapycat21 @rd14 @wickedfun9 @toterry @spookystitchery

[khaleesiofalicante]

A Blessing - LDV Ficlet

Contrary to his brother’s belief, Rafael does not have a stick up his ass. 

Does he have standards? Yes. Does he have a system? Absolutely. 

Does he have crippling anxiety that whispers in his ear that he must do everything according to his system to meet his standards? You bet your ass, he does. 

But he doesn’t have a stick in his ass, thank you very much. 

That would make it very difficult to do some of the things he does, such as sitting on the carpeted floor of his father’s office and read through and review a dozen different campaign strategies before midnight. 

Dad didn’t ask him to do it. Dad certainly didn’t ask him to do it before midnight. 

But Rafael’s system did, and his standards insisted. 

He has to listen. Not abiding by his system and compromising his standards would be a colossal mistake. A mistake that will result in everything around him crumbling down. 

People might even die. Who knows?

“Rafael?”

Rafael looks up at the voice and smiles. “Hey, Maia.”

Maia is dad’s campaign advisor. If things go as planned and they make it into the White House – the very thought of which sends a shiver down his spine – Maia might even lead the White House Communications Office. 

Dad met Maia in college. Rafael knows the whole story. 

He first thought that it was a bad idea to employ your friends. But dad always says that its greatest strength – surrounding yourself with people you love and trust. 

Maybe Rafael finds it complicated because he doesn’t have many friends. He is not very good at making them or retaining them. But it’s fine. 

He has a system. He has standards. His system says that to achieve his standards, he should have at least three good friends by the time he turns 30. 

He is still 21, so he should be fine. 

“It’s late,” Maia points out, as if he doesn’t know. He didn’t know actually. But it’s fine. “Did you eat?”

Rafael points at the half-eaten box of takeout on the floor. “Is dad done with the meeting?”

“Not yet,” Maia replies. “But he asked to check if you want to go home. It looks like it’s going to storm tonight too.”

“I’m not done with these yet,” Rafael points at the files scattered around him. 

“You can come back here and do them tomorrow-”

Rafael shakes his head immediately. “I have to finish today. Before midnight.”

Maia eyes the documents with uncertainty, as if it’s not a realistic goal. Then she nods and walks away. 

Wow. That was easy. 

He really thought she might put up a fight about it. 

But the thing is, Maia is super smart. She’d never do something if she knows there is someone out there who can do it better and quicker. 

“Rafael.”

Ah shit. Of course she called in big guns. 

“What’s up?” Rafael asks casually. 

“I’m taking Max home and you’re coming with me,” Bapak informs, and it doesn’t sound like Rafael has a choice.

Rafael turns around and looks at his brother who has been passed out on the couch for the last two hours. Poor thing must be exhausted after all that training. 

Max has his own system – about what he eats and when he sleeps and how he exercises. If Rafael listens to his brain, Max listens to his body. 

Rafael will never understand how someone as impulsive and reckless his brother could practice such discipline. He wishes his brother would apply that commitment to something a little less intense – something that doesn’t require him to wake up at four in the morning and sacrifice chocolate. 

“I’m not done, bapak,” Rafael points at the campaign files. “I need to read all of them and then organize them for Maia.”

“You know the election is next year, not next month?”

“That’s only twelve months. Not enough time!”

“When I said you should take a break after college, I didn’t mean camping out in your father’s office,” Bapak shakes his head.

“Dad needs all the help he can get,” Rafael says a little seriously. “Also, if all of us leave now, he’ll probably feel like we abandoned him.”

“I will not fall for your manipulation,” Bapak huffs and then frowns a little. “But I suppose I could send Max home with Elyaas, then stay here and help you.”

“No, I have a system!” Rafael all but wails. “I have to do it my way. It’s the most efficient way.”

Bapak sighs at that. “Darling, you’re not going to finish all of this on your own.”

“I can if you stop talking to me,” Rafael points out. 

“Alright,” Bapak puts up his hand, always knowing when to concede. “But if you don’t come home with your father, I will lock the front door.”

“No, you won’t,” Rafael replies, not looking up. 

“No, I won’t,” the man sighs at that. “Will you wake your brother up and ask him to meet me in the lobby. I’ll get the car to come around.”

When Rafael pokes his brother in the tummy, Max immediately wakes up and sits up straight – as if he is in the army or something. He frowns at his Apple Watch and then frowns further at Rafael. “You interrupted a really nice dream.”

“Were you dreaming in French?” Rafael makes a face. “You were mumbling.”

“No,” Max huffs and then makes a wistful expression. “Do you know if the prince will attend the Olympics next year?”

“What prince?”

“The Prince of France, Rafael, who else?” Max rolls his eyes. “It’s happening in Paris, remember?”

“Ah,” Rafael replies and then shrugs. “I don’t know. He’ll probably be at the opening ceremony.”

“I see. I see,” Max nods seriously. 

Rafael chuckles at that and shakes his head.  “Bapak is going home. Meet him at the lobby.” 

“You’re not coming?” Max yawns. 

“No.”

“I can stay if you want,” Max offers. 

“No, I’m good,” Rafael replies. “You go home and sleep properly.”

“Okay,” Max yawns again. “I need to go home and take an ice bath anyway. Coach says we need to get used to cold water because Paris is going to be cold as shit in February.”

Rafael truly worries about his brother sometimes. All this training stuff is getting a little out of hand. He should probably mention it to his parents. 

But he needs to stick to his plan for now. One task at a time. 

He immerses self into campaign strategy from the Obama campaign, focusing on grassroots organizing. He has no idea how much time has passed when he hears a knock on the door. 

“I’m almost done,” Rafael lies immediately. 

He has seven more campaign strategies to read up on and its quarter to midnight. He might have slightly miscalculated the amount of time that he needs to read through these files. 

It’s not his fault. Whoever wrote this was extremely thorough so he can’t help but take his time with it, digesting every crucial detail to better understand their own campaign for next year. 

“Yeah, you’re going home,” Dad informs.

“But I’m not done,” Rafael points out. 

“We are closing the office,” Dad counters. 

“Can I take these home?” Rafael gathers up the files to his chest. 

“It’s too sensitive, Rafe, I don’t think so,” Dad replies. 

Rafael chews his lip. “I wanted to finish this today.”

Dad sighs at that as he walks over and crouches next to Rafael on the floor. “The world is not going to fall apart just because you didn’t finish this today.”

But it will. It might. 

Rafael doesn’t know how to explain it to his parents or anyone else. If he can’t finish his tasks for the day, then it will up with his tasks for tomorrow and then it will go on like that until everything turns into a shitshow. 

And the next thing you know dad will lose the election and it will all be Rafael’s fault.

“I just want to help,” Rafael says quietly. 

“I know,” Dad puts a careful hand on his shoulder. “But you’re not helping right now, you’re holding everyone up from going home.”

“Right,” Rafael swallows. “I’ll come home with you.”

His brain is screaming at him to shut up. 

You’re doing it wrong. You’re doing it all wrong. You didn’t finish your task! You’re going to mess everything up!

“Hey,” Dad says gently. “Would it help if I give you a new task to accomplish?”

He knows. Dad always knows. 

“Yes, please,” Rafael replies immediately. 

“Could you drop Anjali home?” Dad asks. “I think she’s going to take a cab, but you know how I feel about those.”

Oh shit. 

Is this what people mean by digging your own grave? Probably. 

But it’s still a task and Rafael is happy to do it just in case it will quieten his brain a little bit. 

“Okay,” Rafael nods and packs his things up. “I can do that.”

“Great,” Dad smiles and turns around. “Ah, Anjali. Good news. Rafael will drop you home.”

Anjali narrows her perfectly manicured eyebrows. “I didn’t ask to be dropped home.”

“Yes, well, it’s late and you know it’s not safe for a young girl to-”

“So, the solution is to be chaperoned by a man?” Anjali asks in amusement. “It’s interesting how the problem and the solution both happen to be men.”

“Anjali, it’s past midnight and I haven’t had enough whiskey for this conversation,” Dad pinches the bridge of his nose. “Now please go home and we can talk about how much the patriarchy sucks tomorrow, okay?”

“I’ll hold you to it, Mr. Lightwood,” Anjali gives a little salute. 

Dad rolls his eyes fondly and gives Rafael a nod before leaving the room with his jacket and keys.

“I just like fucking with him,” Anjali informs to no one in particular. 

“Lucky,” Rafael mumbles under his breath. 

“Sorry?” Anjali frowns. 

“Nothing,” Rafael clears his throat. “We should probably leave before it starts raining.”

“Okay,” Anjali replies as she picks up all the files on the floor. 

“Dad said to not take them home,” Rafael says quickly. “They’re sensitive.”

“I know,” Anjali rolls her eyes. “I wrote them.”

“Oh,” Rafael blinks. “Um. They’re…They’re really well-written. I liked how you had pointed out the key learnings under each strategy and noted the potential risk factors too.”

Anjali gives him a look at that. “Don’t flirt with me.”

“I wasn’t!” Rafael squeaks. 

He was. He totally was. He just didn’t think she’d clock it.

They take the elevator quietly, Anjali carrying half a dozen files in her arms and Rafael trying not to nervously pull at his jacket.

“You scared of elevators or something?” Anjali asks. 

“No,” Rafael swallows. “I just…I don’t wanna get caught in the rain.”

“I can still take a cab.”

“No,” Rafael shakes his head immediately. “I have to drop you home.”

It’s a task. He has to finish it.

“You have to drop me home?” Anjali scoffs. 

“I just meant…I promised my dad I’ll do it,” Rafael tries to explain.

“Your dad is very annoying sometimes,” Anjali informs as the elevator opens. 

“Why do you work for him then?” Rafael asks curiously, voicing the question he’d always wanted to ask her. 

“Because working in the White House will look great on my CV,” Anjali shrugs. “Make it a little easier to make my way into the Supreme Court one day.”

“I just didn’t think you’d want to be a secretary,” Rafael points out. 

Anjali looks over her shoulder. “You think about me, Santiago?”

Rafael flushes at that. “I just meant-”

“Nothing wrong with being a secretary,” Anjali tells him. “Especially if you’re working for someone who knows what they’re doing.”

Rafael smiles at that. “I’m glad to hear that. My dad speaks highly of you too.”

Anjali’s stilettos come to a screeching halt as she whirls around and jabs him with a long, red acrylic nail. “Tell me everything.”

Rafael chuckles at that as he spots his bike and walks over to it. “You should consider your options though. Just in case we don’t make into the White House next year.”

“You don’t think we will?” Anjali frowns. 

“We will if we follow our strategy and do everything exactly as we’ve planned,” Rafael points out. “But, you know, things don’t always have to plan.”

“That’s what losers say,” Anjali scoffs. 

“I just like a good backup plan,” Rafael shrugs. “There are plenty of judges in New York you can work with. Or you can work in the DA’s office.”

“The District Attorney is a cunt,” Anjali says very matter-of-factly. 

Rafael chuckles at that as he takes out his keys. “You know, you’d get along great with my brother.”

Anjali groans at that loudly. “No offense, but that boy gives me a migraine every time I talk to him.”

Rafael chuckles again. “Well, you’re gonna have to put up with him a lot if we make it into the White House next year.”

“When we’re gonna make it into the White House,” Anjali corrects him. “And when we do, you and your doubtful ass owes me a set of new highlighters.”

“Textsurfer Classics or the Zebra Mildliners?” Rafael asks as he climbs onto the bike, chuckling at Anjali’s expression on the mirror. “What? I know my way around stationery.”

Anjali scowls at that before climbing in behind him. "I told you not to flirt with me."

Rain pours down on them just as they make it to the Lower East Side, just a couple of minutes away from the Williamsburg Bridge, close to where Anjali lives. 

“Do you want me to pull over?” Rafael loudly asks over his shoulder. 

“We’re almost there. Let’s just keep going,” Anjali shouts in his ear. “I think it might get worse if we wait.”

Rafael nods and tries to go a little faster. He senses Anjali shift behind him and watches her remove her jacket and drape it over the slides close to her chest. 

“Anjali, you’re going to get sick!”

“I need to protect files!”

“Don’t you soft copies?”

“Don’t be stupid. Of course I do.”

“We’ll just get more printouts.”

“But you already annotated most of this.”

Rafael pauses at that. “It’s fine. I can do it again.”

“Are you crazy?”

“Anjali!”

“Just shut up and get me home.”

By the time they get to her apartment building, they are both drenched, Anjali worse than him. Rafael considers giving her his jacket, but it’s of no use. 

“I told you,” Anjali tells him, teeth chattering a little. “It got worse.”

“Shit,” Rafael sighs, looking at the rain that pours down the street. Bapak will kill him if he tries to ride his bike in this rain. 

“You can stay at mine until it calms down,” Anjali shivers a little and walks over to the elevator.

The elevator ride is quiet and cold. Anjali’s apartment is even quieter and colder.

It’s everything and nothing Rafael expected. 

He’s known her since he was in high school. Dad’s friends with Anjali’s father and they met at a fundraiser and Rafael’s been obsessed with her even since. 

He likes to think he knows her well – mostly by observing her. Because the thought of talking to her terrifies him. What if she thinks he is just another dude trying to hit on her? Even though he is fact just another dude trying to hit on her?

“If you don’t stop that, I’m going to punch your judgy little face,” Anjali glares at him. 

“What?” Rafael coughs. “Your apartment is, uh, lovely.”

“I know it needs cleaning,” Anjali rolls her eyes, putting away four empty cups of chat on her coffee table. 

“I’m not judging. I know you’re super busy,” Rafael says carefully. “Although…You could get a cleaner?”

“Pay someone to clean my house?” Anjali snorts loudly. “My Amma might just disown me.”

Rafael chuckles at that and shrugs. “Well, I don’t mind.”

He does. He minds a lot. But it’s rude to tell someone their house is messy and it’s beyond stupid to say that to the girl of your dreams. 

“I’ve only got one bedroom, so you’re gonna have to take the couch,” Anjali tells him, walking over to the couch and picking up a bunch of things off it. Why is the laundry detergent on the couch? Never mind.

“That’s fine,” Rafael replies. “Can I have the files back?”

“Aren’t you going to sleep?” Anjali demands incredulously.

“I can’t sleep in new places anyway,” Rafael shrugs, which is only half a lie. In truth, he can’t sleep when he knows she’s right there, too close and too far at the same time. 

“You need sleep,” Anjali frowns at him. 

“I need the files,” Rafael corrects. 

“Well, you’re not getting them.”

“Anjali.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because I was planning to work on it tonight, okay?” She huffs in response. “You don’t get to interrupt my routine.”

“Your 1 AM routine?” Rafael raises an eyebrow. 

“Don’t be a hypocrite,” Anjali rolls her eyes. “Bathrooms on your left. I can give you some clothes to wear if you want. I have some of my dad’s shirt-”

“I don’t mind wearing yours,” Rafael tells her. “I’m sure I can pull it off.”

Anjali rolls her eyes at that before walking off to her bedroom and returning with a pair of grey sweatpants and a plain burgundy t-shirt. “Let’s see if you can pull it off.”

Rafael tries not to scream. “Is it okay if I use the bathroom first?”

“Yeah, I need to clean up here anyway,” Anjali sighs and glares at her own living room. 

Rafael quickly heads to the bathroom and gets changed, trying not to have a panic attack the entire time.

It’s fine. It’s fine. He can handle this. 

Just go out there and be normal. 

Don’t do anything weird. Don’t say anything weird.

Just be normal. Be chill. 

When he walks out of the bathroom – dressed in Anjali’s clothes, ah! – he finds the girl leaning over the now clean coffee table and setting down the files. 

“Do you need help with that?” Rafael asks. “I’m sure we can finish it soon if we do it together.”

See? 

Normal. Chill. Nothing weird. All good. 

“I guess that makes sense, thank you,” Anjali sighs at that. “Give me a minute. I need to get out of these wet clothes first.”

“Do you need help with that?” Rafael asks again before can stop himself. 

Anjali stills at that before slowly turning around to face. 

Shit. Shit. Shit. 

Run. Jump out of the window. Save yourself. 

She walks over to him and cocks her head. “What did I tell you about flirting with me?”

“Uhhh,” Rafael replies eloquently. 

“You and I?” Anjali says slowly, and Rafael can’t help but focus on the water droplets running down her neck. “It won’t work.”

“Why not?” Rafael asks stupidly. 

“Because I will be part of your father’s permanent staff very soon.”

“If he becomes President, you mean.”

“When.”

“If.”

“When.”

“If.”

“Why can’t you be delusional for a minute and believe that he can actually win this thing?” Anjali demands in frustration. 

“Someone has to keep all of you on your toes,” Rafael hears himself reply. “Besides, the only thing I’m delusional about is thinking that you like me as much as I do.”

“Well, that depends,” Anjali hums quietly. “How much do you like me?”

“Enough to fantasize about a world where my father doesn’t win and I can ask you out on a date,” Rafael chuckles. 

“But you love your father,” Anjali says in confusion.

“Very much,” Rafael nods. “But-”

“But what?”

“But I want to kiss you so bad, I think it’s starting to drive me a little insane,” Rafael sighs tiredly. 

Anjali looks at him incredulously. “I think you might be crazier than your brother. I can’t believe he’s the sensible one.”

“You take that back!” Rafael gasps. 

Anjali chuckles at that and shakes her head. “This would be a big mistake, Rafael.”

“I hate mistakes,” Rafael tells her. 

“I know,” She smiles a little. “Which is why I don’t want be one.”

“You would never be a mistake, Anjali,” Rafael bites his lip. “You’re a choice. One that I desperately want to make.”

Anjali looks at her hands and groans a little. “This would be a lot easier if you were an entitled jackass who happens to be my boss’ son.”

He knows. 

He knows there is something here. 

He’d never in a million years talk to her like this or flirt with her when he can if there wasn’t something. He’s seen it. He’s felt it. He knows it’s the same for her. 

But he also knows it won’t work out. She does too. 

Not when everything will be complicated after next year. 

Of course there is a simple solution to all of this. 

Anjali could simply not work for his father. But he could never ask her that. He’d never do that. 

It’s not fair. It’s not right. 

How could you love someone and not want the best for them? How could care about someone and not when them to have everything they deserve and have dreamed of?

He can’t do it. He won’t do it. 

Anjali’s dreams are more important than his feelings. He will always stand by that. 

“Sorry,” Rafael chuckles wearily. “I could try to be an entitled jackass who takes advantage of his father’s secretary. Ask you to bring me coffee or grope your ass.”

“If you ask me to bring you coffee, I will dump it on your head,” Anjali tells him menacingly. “Although I’m partial to the groping.”

“Amor, don’t play with me,” Rafael shakes his head, feeling an ache in his chest.

 “I’m not,” Anjali whispers quietly. “I…I’m not, Rafael.”

“Oh,” Rafael exhales, all the air in his lungs leaving him at once. 

“Maybe it doesn’t have to mean anything,” Anjali says carefully. 

“It’s you,” Rafael tells her in a whisper. “It will always mean something to me. You’re too amazing for it to be anything less.”

“Stop being nice about this!” Anjali groans loudly. “You’re making this difficult!”

“I’m sorry,” Rafael laughs. “Fine. I’ll be mean to you. Your paragraph spacing is shit.”

“You take that back right now-”

“Ow! Okay! Okay!” Rafael laughs again, pushing away when she tries to him hit him again. But he doesn’t let go of her hand. He doesn’t want to. “Can I kiss you?”

Oh. 

Oh, there is no going back now. 

Anjali’s dark eyes shut close at that. She sighs and shakes her head. “You shouldn’t.”

“Right,” Rafael swallows. “Sor-”

“But I want you to,” Anjali confesses quietly. 

“Really?” Rafael can barely himself. 

“Maybe a kiss is okay,” Anjali says slowly. 

“Yeah,” Rafael agrees, trying not to pass out with each passing word. “Just a kiss.”

“Just a kiss.”

“Exactly.”

“And then we get back to work.”

“Of course.”

“We’re professionals,” Anjali tells him. “We can control ourselves.”

“Totally,” Rafael nods. Then there is quietness. He swallows again. “So, does this mean I can now kiss-”

When she leans forward and kisses him, he knows it’s all over. When he feels her fingers in his curls, he knows there is no going back. 

He’s thought about this moment so many times that it’s kind of embarrassing. 

He’s thought about Anjali kissing him and his head exploding – and not in the fun way. 

He had expected his brain to scream at all sorts of things. 

Stop! Warning! Red alert! Danger! Stick to the system! Where are the standards? Stop this at once!

But he hears nothing right now. 

His brain, for the first time since he can remember, is quiet. 

It’s almost as if it’s got nothing to say to him. It’s almost as if it knows he’s got more important things going on. 

As if it knows nothing could possibly be more important than Anjali. 

Most of it all, it doesn’t feel like what he thought it would feel like. 

A mistake.

It doesn’t feel like a mistake. In fact, it feels like a blessing. 

A blessing.

Something he shouldn’t regret, but something he should be eternally grateful for.

A blessing.

[michi-hawkeye]

If you need a tourniquet or if you wanna turn and quit Know that I'll be by your side << michi u need to tell me moooooooooooore 😍😍😍

I gladly wil! ❤️

The fic is actually a prompt fill, kinley have been dating for six months before shit hits the fan and the fic starts in Tommy’s pov and takes place right in the aftermath of Buck being struck.

Here’s a snippet of the opening (fair warning its in its rough draft stage)

Tommy watches the rain pound onto the ground of the airfield under the safety of the hanger. He had been anxious all shift due to the anticipation of introducing himself to Captain Nash and Sargent Grant-Nash as Buck’s boyfriend tomorrow night and hopefully be able to ask them a question the little black box to go with it tucked away in his locker. Something bigger than that was eating at him now like some premonition that something is going to go wrong tonight, he usually didn’t let storms get to him since it was part of his job to fly through them. Although he knows Buck is out there working right now and he knows his boyfriend is an unintentional danger magnet so him feeling anxious for somewhat no reason is definitely justified. He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes as he hopes Buck and his team are staying safe out there before he leans away from the hanger door threshold to go and try to focus on keeping his anxiety at bay.

He tries to keep checking his phone at a minimum as much as he is anxious he can’t be distracted, so he goes through the station chores even through he knows they’ve already been done, so he tries to burn out the anxiety by working out. It wasn’t until he was walking out of the showers after his workout he was finally given the reason for his anxiety.

As he’s changing into a new uniform shirt, his phone goes off with the familiar sounds of the wind and percussion instruments that play The Mandalorian theme song, he had made it Eddie’s ring tone on his phone after watching the show with him, Buck and Chris one day and realizing him and Mando have a very similar personality to Eddie’s begrudging annoyance. Eddie is also one of the few people who is on Tommy’s short Do not disturb bypass list, a rock of dread sinks down his stomach as he tries not to think of worse case scenarios but that would be naive with the storm raging outside tonight and how dangerous their jobs are in general.

Before answering the phone he tries to sallow the forming lump in his throat as he takes a moment to look at the photo he had taken of a smiling Eddie who had a arm thrown over a equally smiling Buck’s shoulder, who had his own arms wrapped around Tommy’s shoulders during a guy’s day out which was used for each of their contact photos.

He tries to keep his voice even as he hears an equally breaking breath on the other end of the line when it connects “Eddie what’s wrong?”

“It’s buck—- there was a accident on a call he’s in critical—-“ Eddie takes a shaky breath while Tommy’s heart shatters, “we’re at Cedars get here as fast as possible” we don’t know if he’ll make it goes unsaid, it kicks Tommy to start packing his duffle.

“Eddie what happened at the call?” Tommy asked, he doesn’t want to be in the dark on how his boyfriend had gotten injured enough to be considered critical.

“I’ll tell you more when you get here I don’t think it’s a good idea to tell you right now, drive safe okay”

“Okay, I’ll be there as soon as I can” he blinks away the tears that have been building up, as he listens to the call disconnecting.

“Cap I need to leave family emergency”

—-

Just as he pulls out of the airfield, the bachelor theme plays from his car’s speakers signaling that Maddie is calling, him and Maddie had been binge watching old episodes of the show together when they both had off days in the name of bonding while everyone else had shifts since they couldn't watch the new episodes without chimney, it would have been funny to hear if it wasn’t for the situation at hand, with his eyes still on the road he clicks the green call button on the dashboard screen.

“Tommy” he hears Maddie’s watery voice come through the speakers “did you hear what happened to buck”

He was a only child who has always wanted siblings and having known Maddie these past few months he grew to view her as one, and if she needed him to be strong he’ll try to be, he coughed to try to prevent the impending sob and to try to steady his voice before responding“ Eddie just called me to let me know, I’m heading over there right now”

“Good they’ll both need you”

“I’m here for you too, you know that right?” He asked gently, it always stings when he sees Evan and Maddie throw aside thier mental and emotional well-being in favor of focusing on others like they themselves don’t matter; giving until they break.

“I know but knowing those two Eddie probably saw first hand what had happened, so he’ll need someone to lean on who understands” he thinks back on the stories Buck had mentioned in the past when either one had been injured. They fall into a silence perhaps to let themselves process what's happening.

The silence breaks when he hears the faint barely formed word babbles from Jee-Yun “jelly bean is there?” He had given her the nickname shortly after meeting her and Maddie when he noticed she jumped and skipped around more than walked, and how it must have been a family trait because Buck would do the same given the chance, Maddie and Buck had cracked up when he commented on the shared mannerism.

Maddie gives a sad chuckle “I called Anne and John to pick her up to spend the night with them, they’re planning to meet us at the hospital”

“What about your parents?” Tommy asks, he doesn't trust the buckley parents for shit to care for the sweet girl that he’s starting to let himself view as his niece. He wants to know if they're gonna twiddle their thumbs and not show up for their son again but this time while he’s probably dying.

“I also wanted to warn you too that my parents are coming to the hospital, I know you have your reasons on avoiding them I respect that and this isn't the ideal situation to meet them now, in truth it surprised me that they decided to go at all”

“Maddie they hurt you and Buck, made both your lives hell that's why I avoid them you know that cause if I ever see them I won’t be able to not tell them what I think” he had avoided meeting the Buckley parents the last two nights because how much disdain he had for them but he has enough awareness that two people he cares about still want to try to have that bond and he’ll support them and be there when he helps pick up the pieces when their parents refuse to put in the effort to fix the damage they cause.

“I know, can we continue this later? , I’ll see you at the hospital” he hears Maddie say with a defeated sigh, kicking himself mentally for pushing her at an already stressful time.

He hears Maddie shuffle and with a much brighter tone say “Say bye to Uncle Tommy, Jee” hearing the new title makes him choke on the building lump in his throat.

“Buh Buh, Uh T’my!” Jee says with a giggle, oblivious to what is going on and Tommy hopes when she does learn, Buck will at least be okay by then. He can be strong for her, Maddie, Eddie, and Chris until Evan wakes up

“Bye sweet girl see you soon!” He attempts to say brightly but he can hear how weak it sounds to his own ears. He hears Jee giggle in response before the line disconnects. He lets a few tears fall as he turns another corner on the road towards the hospital.

————————

(You can thank my sister’s car playlist for the title its from Tourniquet by Zach Bryan)

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

So to really oversimplify it, Calcium is what your body releases to signal your muscles and tissues to tense up, and Magnesium is what your body uses to tell your muscles and tissues to relax again.

An imbalance of these is BAD.

Too much or too little of either can stop your heart in extreme cases, and suddenly changing your serum/blood levels is particularly dangerous.

Part of why vitamin D is important but also why it's so fucked up supplements often contain magnitudes more than they claim they do, is because vitamin d so strongly impacts how much calcium -also iron- you will suddenly be absorbing from your food, which can trigger cardiac spasms [heart attacks with no clot].

This is why hard water causes muscle cramps and headaches, because it causes you to overdose on calcium, or alternately magnesium, depending on the hard water, location etc...

This is why "calcium channel blockers" relax heart muscle tension, lower your blood pressure and relax your muscles.

This is also why trying to relax your muscles more without lowering your blood pressure is fucking impossible. A problem for anyone with muscle tension but also low blood pressure. You literally cannot treat one without making the other a lot worse.

This is why magnesium supplements -IF YOU ARE DEFICIENT- can help with sleep, high blood pressure, pain and muscle tension.

This is also why -due to the physical feedback created by being physically unable to relax to your nervous system- magnesium can help with anxiety.

You need both for healthy bones too, btw, not just calcium supplements as you age.

Low calcium or too much magnesium can also cause slowed heart rate, missing heartbeats, dizziness, weakness and fatigue. HOWEVER, too much calcium can also cause skipped heartbeats and dizziness from a lack of proper circulation because your heart isn't relaxing enough between beats. Both are dangerous.

BOTH of these minerals can build up in your body and aren't like 'water soluble' nutrients in the body in the same way that vitamin C is for example where too much will just be flushed away, your body stores these bitches in your bones pretty obsessively, so it's a good idea to get your levels checked if you think supplementing either might help you. [Technically they are water soluble, but it's helpful to think of them as being like 'fat soluble' nutrients that your body will hold onto, just like, for bones and not fat... This is also why meat broth and meat in general is high in calcium, once life isn't holding the minerals in the bones it dissolves out into the meat.]

If you have problems with blood pressure, heart symptoms, tension or fatigue at all, it is a good idea to rule out low or high calcium or magnesium as a cause because it's a really simple thing to treat with supplements or dietary changes that doctors can't deny you once you have the information about your blood levels in your hands. You only need them to agree to check your levels here and there to make sure nothing is getting out of hand.

I'm not just saying "ask your doctor before supplementing" I am saying "Doctors are necessary idiots ask them to actually CHECK your blood levels before advising you on whether or not to supplement".

This is why I find it interesting that people with high blood pressure or chest pain or cardiac spasms are asked about their salt intake or told to avoid salt but aren't ever asked about their calcium intake. I'm kind of low-level pissed at all times that doctors don't check both of these mineral levels on a regular basis for everyone.

Having the right mineral levels, including these but also phosphorus and potassium and iron etc... has such a HUGE body-wide impact on things you would never guess they would impact so so badly, but they are like, the main components of the molecules your body uses to do everything, including like, signal nerves and move muscles. You use these things every time your heart beats and every time you breathe or have a thought, etc... They impact everything. Everything.

Hell a lot of lists of the minerals you need will straight up not even mention phosphorus, but your body uses phosphate groups to make ATP... You know, the molecule that is literally "energy" in your body at a cellular level. It is recommended that healthy adults get between 800 mg and 1,200 mg of phosphorus each day. And it's hard to source because most plant sources aren't bio-available unless you soak your grains [remember that trend of "activating" nuts and grains?... I like cokey-cola because is uses phosphoric acid in place of citric acid which gives it a dryer taste and helps my energy levels in ways not accounted for by the caffeine]. But also too much Phosphorus can pull calcium out of your bones and leave it free floating around your body to build up random places and cause problems!

Potassium is an important electrolyte in your BRAIN and without it you can't think critically and can be prone to all sorts of mental problems like confusion, depression, mental fatigue, running instinctively on autopilot and not engaging critically with ideas because you brain literally can't! Low Potassium makes you more susceptible to mental manipulation and lowers your defenses to negative thought patterns.

I know it can sound stupid and fake, but getting the nutrients you need really does impact your day to day health and specifically your energy levels and mood. Mineral deficiencies can cause depression, fatigue and anxiety and can make existing mental health problems so so much worse.

Kowing your micromineral levels is important! [I am sure trace minerals are important too but your body needs so little it's usually a lot harder to be deficient unless you have a very restricted diet or absorption issues].

Check your levels periodically with your doctor's help and make sure you keep them -not just- "in normal ranges" but have your doctor specify whether they are on the high or low end so you know where your wiggle room is to adjust accordingly depending on your symptoms and how those potentially reflect your personal body's needs. [ie: just because your iron isn't dangerously low doesn't mean supplementing it wouldn't help your energy levels, so long as you aren't getting too much, etc]

Btw this is also why starving yourself fucks you up. And it's why having a lot of food aversions gets tricky to manage. You need to eat. You need specific nutrients and not just calories [you need those too]. And by *need* I don't just mean you might feel slightly crappier in some vague abstract way, I mean you need it for your heart and brain to function correctly and for your muscles to move. [Your brain is you]

[fictional-worlds-are-exquisite]

send help my anxiety checker is gone and now i can’t send this email because i’m anxious it’s weird or rude or whatever THE ONLY WAY I EVER SEND EMAILS IS WHEN I HAVE AN ANXIETY CHECKER AROUND TO READ OVER AND BE LIKE no that’s literally perfectly normal it’s not weird at all BUT WITHOUT ONE I CAN’T DO IT

maybe my anxiety meds just haven’t kicked in yet..................one can hope

[turtleblogatlast]

[ cw: trauma / mind control / separation anxiety / autophobia / ]

Something that kills me is that there’s no way in hell that Raph’s debilitating separation anxiety isn’t infinitely worse after the movie. The trauma of being Krangified like that, all alone, would probably regress him so hard.

Not to mention his worries of getting “weird” would likely get mixed up with his experience while Krangified - aka, he loses full awareness, and when he’s brought “back” it’s to the understanding that he attacked his own family (of course not to his own fault at all, but how much of that does he believe?)

The fear of being alone would take on another layer and become a fear of himself.

[noisytenant]

there are therapists who specialize in cptsd. you dont need to go to inexperienced talk therapy or cbt or dbt ever again if you dont want to. there are options

[crybaby-bkg]

good god I hate it when people make me feel like I’m annoying or bugging them when they AGREE to do something for me but haven’t done it skdjdkfj I’m literally losing my mind and as I’m typing this I realize that’s bc it’s a trigger from someone in my immediate family who always does that to me so now I’m ready to detach and do the thing I need done by myself bc that’s what I always end up doing anyway 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃

[running-in-the-dark]

and it just occurred to me that when we move, I might try to find a new therapist. there might be one/a few right in the town we're moving to (I haven't checked), but we'll be really close to a city then. so I could get there regularly (maybe. it's very scary but maybe I can manage it). so. I should probably do that? maybe find someone who'll like.... do more than just accept that I've got social anxiety (because that's what I said when I first saw my previous therapist) and help me figure out the real problem.

[bunnyb34r]

I need to get another crab or two for Gurkle since it doesnt look like Scupa made it through his molt (it's been over a month... im scared to sift through the substrate for his remains/shell) but I dont wanna feed the crab trade and my adhd/depression are like no ❤️ and my anxiety is like GURKLE NEEDS FRIENDS

Even though he never really was a sociable crab like from the start sggdgdgd i mean he broke out of his tank twice the first week I had him and when he was in the tank with Scupa and Speedy he was like AHHHHHHHHHHHH DONT LOOK AT MEE! 😬

So idk man I can't get anyone new til I find scupa('s shell) bc if he is alive/his remains are down there I don't want the new ones eating him... and then I gotta add new substrate and augh it's just so much shit

[lilyaceofdiamonds]

I really hate how much my brain hates to do new things sometimes

[solemntitty]

u ever just come to Realizations at 25 abt yr childhood and yr like. damn why was i always telling myself my childhood wasn't that bad so that meant that i felt like i didn't have to deal w the Effects of It All

because now we certainly need to deal with the Effects

[peachesofteal]

Through Me (The Flood) - secret baby fic Simon Riley / female reader - warning: postpartum depression requested by multiple: mama's family

"Where's my baby?!"

You can practically hear your teeth grinding together as you give your aunt a tight lipped smile. "He's due to get up any minute." She sighs, like it's an inconvenience, your mom hot on her heels.

"Hi honey," she says, glancing around your now pristine flat, "how are things?"

"Oh, fine." It's the same thing you've been saying this whole time. I'm fine. I'm good. Everything is great. "Went to the pediatrician the other day, Ry is perfect and healthy." You omit the rest of your news, the sudden reappearance of Simon, the stable, consistent presence in your life, the man who was supporting you in anyway he could.

Even though you absolutely do not want your mom or your aunt to meet him, let alone know about him-

you still kind of wish he was here.

He told you yesterday, regretfully, that he had meetings on base all day today, and you told him your mom and aunt were coming by, but probably wouldn't stay long. It was good, that he wouldn't be around.

Before he left for the night, he made you promise to call if you needed him. Text him to check in. You did as he asked, but didn't hear much. Not a surprise, since he said he wouldn't have a lot of time to respond, but still wanted updates.

"That's great honey." Her smile is genuine, and you know she means it. She does mean well, mostly. It's not her fault you're bad at asking for help, or that since you left home, you've become stubbornly independent. You even spent a few years "gallivanting across the globe" as your sister liked to say, shirking responsibility after uni.

Your family was used to you being a bit of a ghost.

"- don't you think?" Your aunt's voice brings you back to earth, and you nod robotically, unsure of what you're agreeing to. You're about to apologize for missing the conversation when the baby monitor on the kitchen counter lights up, Orion's fussy 'I just woke up mom, come get me' cry crackling from the speaker.

"That's for me." You joke half heartedly with a smile that doesn't reach your eyes. You know the battle with ensue as soon as you come back into the living room with the baby, and you dread it.

"Hi baby." You bend at the waist, scooping him out of his crib. "You're gettin' too heavy for mama, big boy. Don't know what I'm gonna do when you're older." The thought stops you in your tracks, the acknowledgement that he'll get older, that soon he'll be six months, and then a year, two. He'll learn to crawl, to walk, to speak. It's exciting, and anxiety inducing. What if you mess him up? What if you don't give him a good life? What if you're not a good mom, or he gets sick, or there's an accident, or an attack or-

No. You're not going to do this. You're not going to fall into these obsessive what ifs. It will only make you sick to your stomach.

You get him into a new nappy and clothes before slinking back into the living room, cowed with your head down. His head turns against your chest, seeking, and you know he's starting to realize he's hungry.

But the vultures don't care.

"Bring that boy over here, let me hold him." Your aunt croons, syrupy sick voice conjuring a roar of nausea.

"He's probably hungry." You start to warn them that this won't last long as you lower him into her arms, but you know it will fall on deaf ears. "So-"

"Just get a bottle from the fridge dear, I can feed him no problem." You fight the urge to to snap at her, unreasonable rage swelling inside your heart. No one feeds him except you, and Simon. Bottles are fine when you're asleep and can't nurse, or between feedings, but he doesn't eat as much from them. Of course, you've tried to tell them that, multiple times, but it never seems to stick. Your mom knows, but she never stands up to her older sister.

Like mother like daughter, you guess. You've never been a doormat per se, but you don't have a strongest backbone, and becoming a mom has changed you, a lot. You've become even more soft, more sensitive. It's... a problem.

"How are you feeling, honey?" You know she's asking mostly about your body, your stitches, your physical aches and pains, which were plenty considering what you went through when Ry was born, but your mom's voice is gentle, like she senses you frustration, and you give her a weak smile. It's nice she's expressing interest, but that's usually as far as it goes, unless you count the meals she's brought over that you barely picked it, not having enough energy to even feed yourself, or shower, or the suggestion that you give her the baby all the time so you could 'take a break' even though he screamed the moment he was separated from you. Not helpful. Nobody cared that you had scary thoughts, scary moments, scary days. Nobody offered to be here at night with you, when you were all alone with the baby after dark, terrified, crying in the bathroom with your face buried in a towel so you wouldn't wake him. No one was here when you were afraid you might hurt him, or yourself, and no one seemed to hear you when you shrugged over and over again, your lack of interest in everything explicitly clear.

You sucked at asking for help, so you didn't. And when you did, you never got it right, or got the right answers, so you stopped asking. Everything became fine. Good.

"Fine, good." She opens her mouth to say something, ask some question, probably about Ry, when your blood goes cold.

The sound of your front door opening rings out like a bang, your eyes widening in panic, and you nearly run to the kitchen.

Oh fuck. Oh no, no no no-

You turn in slow motion to see your baby's daddy, the man who has a key now, stepping through the doorway. As soon as you lay eyes on him, you split down the middle. You're horrified, because of what's about to happen with the two hens on the couch and-

your libido roars to life. Simon's not wearing his usual jeans or joggers and black hoodie, but a camouflage military uniform. One that he fills out, broad shoulders and broad chest fitted snug inside the material. You think you're staring. Or drooling. Or both.

His lips quirk up on one side with a secretive, almost seductive smile, and he peeks over your shoulder before turning his attention back to you. "Hey mama."

"H-hey. Uh. Hi." Your hands uselessly flit around, like you're trying to swat some invisible bugs away or something. "My mom is still here. And my aunt," you can't help yourself, you take him in from head to toe one more time, "you look... nice."

"Price makes me wear my BDU for on base meetings." He grunts, slightly exasperated. Who?

"BDU?"

"Battle dress uniform. It's... the approved, standard uniform. I don't wear it... in the field." His lips press together, and your mind wanders, curious questions about 'the field' popping up like fireworks, but you push them away. Now is definitely not the right time. His thumb brushes your cheek, under your eye, and he frowns. "Everything alright?"

You step to the side, motioning to the living room, where your aunt and mother are whispering fiercely. You roll your shoulders, and take a deep breath. "Do you... want to, say hi?" The question is weak, your voice small. His brow furrows. He looks hesitant, and you don't blame him. They're a lot. It's a lot. He glances down at you again, head tilted in consideration. "Or you could just go. If you ran out that door... well I'd only wish I could come with you." You whisper, and he cracks a smile.

"No. 'm not runnin' from any part of you, sweetheart. C'mon. They can't be worse than..." he trails off, odd look in his eyes before it clears, "they can't be worse than a lot of things."

He follows you around the corner of the kitchen, crossing the threshold of the living room with two large strides.

Your mother gasps. Your aunt makes a sound that you can only describe as a goose being strangled, and Orion starts to cry. Perfect.

"Oh, oh shhh, shhhh." Your aunt tries to soothe him, but you know it won't work.

"Mom," you call over the noise, gesturing to the giant man standing next to your coffee table, and you, "Mom! This is Simon." She stares at you, confused, shocked even. You never told her your one night stand's name, just that you couldn't track him down, so she doesn't make the connection.

Still, she gapes at him. Clears her throat with a question.

"Is this... your boyfriend honey?" Your aunt's expression is not much different, and you freeze. Is he? Is that what this is? You half expect Simon to reject the term boyfriend flat out, but instead-

"Something like that." His hand settles between your shoulder blades, and you lean into it, relishing the comfort. Just the presence of him in the flat is enough to soothe you, lessen the tension you feel building in your chest. "Sounds like he's hungry, mama."

"Yeah, I think he's more than ready." You reach for Ry, eager to pick him up, but your aunt shifts her body, shying away, turning her shoulder to you. You're used to this, the keep away, the way they always try to convince you he'll calm down, to let them hold him for too long, to get him a bottle... but Simon is not.

He goes rigid at your side. You can feel the muscle in his arm turn to stone, and his eyes narrow, upper lip curling. Your mother's eyes go wide, but your aunt remains oblivious. "I can feed him, dear. Go get a bottle warmed up and-"

"No." Simon snaps, rough pitch of his voice dipping deeper into the manc accent, and she bristles. This bitch wouldn't be scared of the devil himself.

"Excuse me?" You watch the muscle in his jaw flex with fascination, wondering what he'll do next. You're brought back to when you met, when he stared down the guy who pushed you out of the way at the bar like he was going to murder him, before calling you over to settle next to his thigh. He put his hand on your waist, shielded you from everyone else for the rest of the night.

You were a goner before you ever had a chance to begin.

"Orion wants his mother. You can hand him over without a fuss, or I can throw you out of this flat. Your choice." His words are hard, cold steel, a sharp knife slicing away, exposing vulnerable parts and smashing them to pieces.

Your aunt has the gall to look scandalized, but when you glance at your mother, she has a different expression. It's warm. Approving. She mets your eyes with a small smile as you scoop Orion up, and then she stands.

"We'll get out of your hair, honey." She tugs you into a half hug before looking over. "Nice to meet you Simon." Your aunt is ranting and raving all the way to your front door, but once it's shut...

"Bloody hell." He mutters, and shakes his head. "I won't let anyone push you 'round like that, sweetheart. Family or not. Especially not in your own home, I-"

"Thank you." It's all you can say. "I um, kind of suck at sticking up for myself, sometimes. It means a lot, that you would do that. For me." He steps close, hand covering Orion's belly and chest, even though he's still crying.

"Kitten doesn't have any claws," he murmurs against your ear, and your eyebrows knit together. Uh... what? "Don't worry, you won't need 'em. Not now that you have me." There's something dangerous in his tone, something lethal and profound. It’s as fervid as his proclamation about his commitment to you, to Orion. Like dark water, bottomless and black, it draws you out deeper, sends shivers up your spine, but doesn't turn you away. It makes you curious, intrigued, desperate to peel back his layers, to dig into him until you know it all, inside and out.

Curiosity killed the cat, isn’t that what they say?

You weren't afraid of him that night, and you're not afraid now. You know Simon is not an ordinary man. You know you've bitten off a lot, by having his baby, rekindling this connection, giving him a key-

but you plan to chew.

[horreurscopes]

you don't have to pay overdraft fees ever

the biden administration recently cracked down on overdraft fees which means banks cannot force you to pay them as they have become opt-in -- however you do have to call the bank (for example, paypal payments overdraft you even if you have opted out, as they function like checks.)

my experience is with wellsfargo but i imagine that most major banks may operate similarly:

if you have an overdraft fee, call the bank, you will get a machine. go through the autentification process with it but do not mention your issue when it asks you to (specially not the word overdraft -- this is a conspiracy theory i cannot prove but i swear to god they rewire you to more aggressive phone people if you tipoff the machine) instead say "i'd like to speak to a representative" the machine will be like "lol didn't get that" so you may need to repeat it a couple more times before it wires you to a real person

wait! i'd recomend calling as early in the morning as possible to avoid elevator music.

be nice to the customer service person who picks up (i make a point of thanking them for their help and calling them by their name, if i don't catch it the first time i ask them again for it)

my script is something along the lines of: "hi, i noticed there's an overdraft fee in my account that posted on [date]. i am calling to see if we (WE -- you and the representative are a team against the problem) could do something about it" (<- you may decide to be more direct, i just put my innocent hat on)

most if not all of what they say to you is a script. they will be like "i will check that for you with the automated process that takes into account you previous refund activity" BLAH BLAH BLAH. more waiting. if you have had any refunds in the past 12 months, they will be like "sorry the system says no (:" THOUGH, VERY RECENTLY, they have tacked on this question: do you have any thoughts on that / how do you feel about that / etc. though even if they do not prompt you, here's the next step:

say: thank you! i appreciate the automated review, however i do not agree/approve/consent to being charged a fee. is there any way you could check again / anyone else i could talk to / would it be possible to refund it regardless? etc.

they will check again, possibly more waiting, and then you will get an immediate refund! in the rare case they refuse to, here is the link to the FDIC website that you can refer to (note, this is for overdraft fees only):

8. i cannot emphasize this enough -- be nice !!!!!!!!!!! BE NICE! be cheerful, say "thank you" and "no worries" and "take your time!". it is NOT a confrontation, it is NOT their fault, and most of the time the customer service representative wants this to be as frictionless as possible. they are helping you, use the opportunity to make a moment of their day a lot less stressful than they expect it to be.

that is ALL -- i have been using wellsfargo for over eight years, and have lost hundreds of dollars to predatory overdraft fees charged as a punishment for having no money.

during the beginning covid, when they were momentarily suspended (you had to mention covid on the phone to get them back lol), i came to the realization that all of this time they could have been giving me my money back. there was no reason not to, except corporate greed.

do not let phone social anxiety let them take your money from you, now that it is easier than EVER to get it back. and if you need motivation to pick up the phone, remember this headline from a couple of years back lol:

DEATH TO CAPITALISM !!!!!!

[youraverageaemondsimp]

“Be Quiet.” // DILF!Aemond Targaryen x Babysitter!Reader // PART ONE.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR 500 FOLLOWERS! (+200 now) so here is the awaited fic, celebrating a milestone <3 based on this poll, dilf aemond won at the end haha 💞

MDNI

WARNINGS: unprotected p in v sex, dubcon(?), oral (both f and m.), blowjob, cum eating, cum play(?), breeding kink, multiple orgasms, age gap (9ish years), DILF aemond, single father aemond, power imbalance(?), throat fucking, cunnilingus, lots and lots of kissing, + not proofread

WC: 7.1k (yeah...)

« part two // 🎄 special »

Getting fired from your job while trying to pay rent and gathering tuition fees isn't exactly ideal, you wanted to pursue a bachelor's degree after high school, but you didn't have enough money, coming from a family that was barely held by, nor were you eligible to apply for student because there were legal issues.

You moved out of your parents not wanting to financially burden them anymore, renting a decent apartment with just enough space for you to call it a 'home' you've been working for the past 2 years, a decent paying job but it was enough to get by and save up on the fees too, everything seemed to be going perfect until you suddenly got fired and your landlord decided to increase the rent.

You knew you'd have to cut into your savings to pay rent now, but you didn't want that, you halfway there to your goal, you were expected to get promoted and get higher pay, you calculated it, that it would only take one more year for you get enough amount to pay for the first few sems, and then maybe you'll be able to apply for a student loan by then.

But fate had different plans, and here you were on your couch scrolling through multiple apps to find any type of job, extremely desperate.

And that's when you saw it.

“Babysitter needed.” you thought how perfect of a job it would be considering the degree you wanted to so badly was based in psychology, child psychology specifically, and interacting with kids will probably give you some type of experience?

You quickly clicked on it and found the contact number, and decided to call it, you bit your lips nervously hoping they'd pick up.

“Hello?” you heard a cool voice say which sent shivers down your spine.

“Hello- yes uhm, Hi! I am calling because I saw the post on the app that said you needed a babysitter for hire?” you stumble over your words and mentally facepalm yourself for it.

“Yes, indeed. Are you interested in applying?” he asks and you quickly reply with a yes.

“Do you have any prior experience?” he asks and you reply with a quick yes, you've babysat a few kids throughout your highschool era for quick cash, as a way to not rely on your parents for menial things.

“Mhm alright, I don't want to bring your hopes up by saying you got a job, I'd like to have a personal interview first, if you do not mind.” he says and you say, thanking him and he hangs up the call.

You were fucking shaking.

It felt like applying for the first job of your life all again, the nervousness, the anxiety, the everything.

Aemond had saved your phone number and sent it to his assistant, Floris, asking her to run a background check on you, and to see if you had any criminal background, he read your name on the file that got delivered to him, sipping on his coffee while he scanned through your details.

You just turned 21, recently.

‘So young’ he thought, ‘Let me guess, she's probably looking for jobs in order to afford education.’ he guessed and he was exactly on the money with that one.

He wasn't that old himself, barely 30

He inherited his father's business at just age 23, being the only one capable of handling such pressure, his elder siblings couldn't stand a chance against him, and since then, he's maintained the Targaryen name perfectly.

He remembers falling in love with a woman older than him, he was 24, she attended one of the business parties he dreaded going to, Alys rivers was her name, they dated for 2 years before deciding to pace things up and get engaged since everything was going perfect for both of them.

Until Alys got pregnant, Aemond was overjoyed when he heard that news, but he didn't know that the child would suck the life out of her.

She died giving birth to their son, and he was devastated, being heart broken by her death, however he never once blamed his child, it was their choice to birth him, and it failed miserably.

But 3 years had passed since her death and he had moved on from her death, ready to love once again, yet it was extremely hard to find someone that wasn't after his money.

He knew he couldn't just live in the misery of heartbreak, and Alys would've wanted him to move on too.

His son, Aenys, recently turned 3 too, he inherited Aemond's purple eyes and silver blonde hair, typical targ features, but he saw how the softness of his nose, sharpness of his eyes resembled his mother.

But back to you at hand, he went through all your papers deeming you fit for the interview, he called a day later telling you the address where the interview would be held, his office.

Yes, his fucking office, as if you were applying for a job at his company, he justified it by saying that you were technically his employee.

When you got out of the taxi and looked at the company in front of you, it finally clicked in your brain that your employee was none other than Aemond Targaryen, and it only made your anxiety worse.

You went to the receptionist and told her your name, and she typed it in, giving you a small smile, telling you that you were exactly on time. She called his office to tell you that you were here and led you to his office. You looked around and noticed how big this company was, a bunch of employees working in their cubicles, typing away.

“Mr. Targaryen?” she called out and you heard a small ‘come in.’ Before stepping inside and pushing the door open for you to enter, you did and she stepped outside, closing it gently behind you, leaving you alone in the room with the man.

Aemond hadn't looked up from his files until the door closed, and when he did, he felt his breath caught in his throat.

“You may sit.” he says and you nod, sitting across him on the opposite side of the table, you felt so small under his gaze, it was so intimidating but you put up with it.

He began the interview by asking questions about yourself, and all relevant things, but there was one question that caught you off guard.

“Do you have a boyfriend?” he asks and you furrow your brows, “Excuse me?” you question, noticing how odd of a question it is.

“Don't get me wrong, the previous babysitter had one, and she used to bring him to the apartment and…” he cleared his throat and you immediately caught on to what he was implying, “Oh! No! I do not have one, and even if I did I would not do that!” you reassure him and he gives you a nod.

He was fucking lying.

But you didn't know that.

The previous babysitter was an old lady, who Aenys liked a lot, but sadly she had to leave the city.

“I hope you know that you're expected to work full time? I leave for the office at 9AM and return back at 7PM, and you'll need to be ready to work those long hours, and sometimes I might not even return till late at night if there is extra work.” he says and you nod, and before the question can leave your mouth he cuts you off.

“Do not worry, you'll be paid for those extra hours.” he confirms and you nod smiling at him.

And then came your terms, which he agreed to, he made you sign a one year contract, and you did it without hesitation.

Frankly the pay was so high you would barely need to work 6 months to reach the full amount, but you still did an extra 6 months considering how having extra money at hand doesn't hurt.

And with a handshake, he accepted you.

You were practically going to spend most of your awake time with the kid, it sounds hectic but the pay was too good to pass up on, I mean, $80 per hour? fuck yes, you'd be having around $230k by the end of the contract. Aemond was filthy rich.

It was finally your day to go to his house and you already knew it was going to be big, but you were still shocked when you arrived to the destination, it was a 20 minute drive from your house, and it was located in the richest neighbourhood to exist in the city, you felt embarrassed getting out of your taxi at an area where everyone probably had their own cars, heck, a collection of them even, but you paid the fare and the guard got up to question you, you told him and he quickly nodded before letting you inside.

It was early in the morning, you came quickly so Aemond could show you around the house and introduce you to his kid, you stood there nervously as you rang the doorbell, Aemond had checked through the security camera before the door opened, revealing the house interior.

You quickly stepped in and he closed the door behind you. You expected him to have maids and a bunch of staff, but you were surprised when you found none. No wonder he asked if you can cook, you'd probably be doing all the work here besides the cleaning.

“Aenys is in his playroom, let me take you there.” he says cooly and you follow him, taking in your surroundings.

He opens the door to the playroom and you immediately find a kid, who you assumed to be older than 2, playing with his dragon toys, making rawr sounds, and yelling the word ‘dracarys.’ you smiled at the cuteness.

Aemond cleared his throat which caught the attention of Aenys and he smiled brightly before he jumped in his arms, “Papa!” he yelled, before he turned his attention to you and looked at his father in question

“Hey aeny, do you know how the previous babysitter had to leave town?” he asks gently and Aenys nods, “And papa needs to be away for work top right? So I got you a new babysitter who will take care of you.” he points towards you, explaining and Aenys looks at you tilting his head slightly

“Hey, Aenys.” you give him a small, waving your hand, he shyly waves back before he hides his face his fathers chest, you chuckle at the cuteness.

“I'll go give her a house tour okay? And then I will visit you once again before I leave, have fun darling.” He says and puts his son down, and Aenys looks at you once again, inspecting you, observing you, you smile at him once again, and this time he gives you a shy smile.

Aemond leaves the room and you wave a quick temporary goodbye to Aenys and follow him.

“Aenys, doesn't have a mother, or at least he had to grow up without one” Aemond randomly begins and you look at him confused. “My fiancee-” he sighs before halting his footsteps, “She- she had died while giving birth to him.” you watch as he takes deep breaths, “It's okay if you don't want to talk about it now, we have a lot of time anyway, just open up to me when you are ready, sir.” you tell him and he looks at you, giving you a nod and resumes the house tour.

It was fucking big.

Just like he said, he visited his son once more before leaving for work and the entire day you spent it with Aenys, getting to know him, observing his behaviour.

You noted that he was extremely shy at first but then he eventually warmed up to you, he still had his guard up of course since you were fairly new and a stranger in his life, you introduced yourself and he did the same.

He showed you all his toy collections, which you were genuinely fascinated by, he had so many dragon figurines and remembered each one by their name, his favourite was vhagar.

“It waass papa's once, when he was jus like mee.” he babbled cutely, the way he pronounced the words were so cute too, you swear you could die at it.

“Vhagar belonged to your papa?” you felt awkward saying the word papa, but you knew you had to considering that it was the term Aenys was used to, he nodded, smiling.

“Yesh! He gwave it to meh.” he says and you smile.

Aenys had quite a developed vocabulary for his age, though he pronunciation was a bit off, but you knew it would improve with time.

And just like that, you and Aenys grew close, he was always cheery to see you, you cooked and looked after him, feeding him vegetables in a way he would enjoy, and Aemond was surprised when he found out, considering Aenys refused to eat vegetables.

You put Aenys to sleep one day, singing him a lullaby and caressing his hair as he fell asleep in his bed, he watched you with big doe eyes, which were slowly beginning to get droopy as sleep overcame him. He closed his eyes and his brows were relaxed. You sat there for a while, watching him sleep, and you look at the time, 8PM, Aemond was running late, but you didn't mind, by the time he usually fell asleep, Aemond would've been there, listening to you sing to his son and when he finally fell asleep, you would leave, politely saying goodbye to Aemond, but this time you had stayed, since Aemond was late.

You noticed how Aenys eyebrows furrowed before you saw tears coat his eyelashes

“Mam… mama… I want mama...” he mumbled in his sleep and you swear you felt your heart wrench at that, then you heard small sniffles.

He was crying in his sleep.

Is this what usually happens after you leave? You felt extremely sad, you remember how Aemond had told you that Aenys grew up without a mother, how she had died during childbirth. You never really thought about it much but you realised how tough it must've been for Aenys, then suddenly you remembered all the times you played together or watched cartoons, how he would say the word "mother" longingly when he was referring to a mom dragon, or how he stared in a daze when a cartoon showed a mom taking care of his child.

He was beginning to notice an absence of a parental figure in his life.

You were snapped out of your thoughts by the sniffling getting louder, and Aenys was beginning to borderline cry out, you quickly picked him up and carried him, pacing around the room gently as you patted his back, his hand clung tightly onto the sleeve of your arm and he rested his cheek on your shoulder.

“Shhh, Aenys, it's okay.” you try consoling him but he kept repeating the words 'I want mama, mama.' in his sleep over and over again.

Not knowing what to do, you began to feel bad, so you did what you thought was the best.

“Aenys, Mama is here, it's okay hush now..” you coo gently into his ear and that's when he finally stops sniffling, 'mama?' he mumbles and you hum, “Yes, it's mama, do not cry anymore okay? Mama is here.” you caress his hair and he finally relaxes, you were so entranced in comforting him that your brain managed to ignore the presence of Aemond himself, who had arrived when you picked him up and paced around in a panic, he was going to interfere but then he heard you say those words.

You stopped dead in your tracks when you noticed him, heat climbing up your face as you realised he probably heard everything and also you were stricken with fear too cause you likely overstepped.

You gently placed Aenys down on the bed and got out of his room, anxiety coursing through your veins as you realised what you had done

But you were only trying to comfort him.

Aemond soon followed you out the room as well and you turned around to face him when he closed the door.

“I apologize— I'm so sorry—” you began.

“Don't. It's fine, I can understand why you did that.” he cuts you off, and you wince.

“He- he's been noticing.” you began and Aemond nodded, “I've noticed too.” he replies and sighs.

“Aenys has changed a lot since you've started babysitting him in a good way , and I've noticed it, he's becoming more and more aware of the world around him.” He moves to the living room, sitting on the couch and you do the same, sitting on the one opposite to him.

“I've made sure that he never felt a lack of anything in his life, but I guess it's only natural for a person to desire something he can't have.” he says.

“Aenys can have a mother, if you remarry, that void will be fulfilled somewhat.” you suggest and he looks at before chuckling “I've thought of that too, my mother said the same thing, but i cannot trust anyone, especially considering how many are after my money, who knows if they'll be kind to him, or whether Aenys will like them or not.” he sighs.

“That is true.” you agree with him and he looks at you.

“Unless… ” he begins, eye scanning your entire being and you look at him, your heartbeat quickening, just as he was about to say something, your phone rings and it cuts off the trance-like state you were in, and you look at it to see who it is.

It was a spam call.

But then your eyes bulge out of your sockets when you look at the time, “Holy shit it's late, I'm sorry sir but i have to leave now, or else it will be too dangerous.” you say and quickly apologise and he nods, dismissing you. That was the first night, sleep came to Aenys peacefully.

But it didn't to Aemond, he was lost in thought about everything, but then his mind wandered off to somewhere it shouldn't go.

The way you comforted Aenys stirred something inside you, the moment was perfect, you cooing in Aenys' ear that you were here, pretending to be his mother.

It was so perfect.

Almost as if you were made for that.

Aemond felt his heart flutter.

For the first time in years.

He couldn't help but accept the pull he felt towards you.

Aenys doesn't seem to remember the incident, probably cause he was literally just sleep talking so it was left at that, but you and Aemond however grew a bit close after that incident, he came back home early as he can, so he could spend time with his son and you, he was subconsciously trying to get his son used to both of them being around, both present in his life as parental figures.

You obviously weren't able to leave early just because he got home early because those were your mandatory hours, so it became your new normal to spend time with him and Aenys.

You couldn't deny that there was something definitely blooming in between you and Aemond, he would often throw appreciative comments in your way, which made your belly pool up with heat.

You noticed how he wanted to stay by your side, physical touch lingering, he had suggested that you 3 should go grocery shopping, and you found it odd considering he could literally order his clients to fetch them for him, but you agreed anyways, using it as a chance to get outside and let Aenys interact with other people. Aemond was heavily against sending him to the daycare, because he was scared for his son, it was understandable but it also set Aenys behind a bit.

“Mama, I want this!” you hear a kid yell at his mom and you watch as she refuses it gently, telling him no and that she will buy him the next time they come back here, and the kid just pouted, you chuckled at the sight.

You turned your attention to Aenys who was staring at the scene too, and you realised how he was in a daze once again as well, you looked at Aemond who also seemed to notice.

Aenys quickly ran in another direction and you panicked and almost ran after him before he was back in front of you again, grabbing the same toy the other child had grabbed earlier and showing it to you. “Ma-” he cut himself short before pushing the toy to show you “I want this!” he says and Aemond was confused at first and he was about to agree to buy that toy for Aenys until you butted in, “No Aenys, we can't buy it right now! We'll buy it next time when we come back here okay?” you say and he smiles sheepishly at you, before pretending to pout and put the toy back in a random shelf.

You chuckled at the childishness, he just wanted to feel the same type of experience that others do. Aemond knew it was just you both playing around, he didn't miss the way Aenys almost called you his mother, and it spurred him on further, the way you acted as a genuine mother.

Those type of random moments became often, and it pushed Aemond further and further to the edge, the way you would act like such a perfect mom made him want to bend you over any surface and fuck you, filling you up with his cum.

Aemond then suddenly started joining for lunch, he would usually eat at his office, but he made extra effort to drive home so he could eat with his 'family.' He loved your cooking, you made it taste like home, he would watch as you cut smaller pieces of fruits and vegetables for Aenys so he could properly chew and eat. He imagined how perfect you would be as his wife and like an official mother to his child, or better, children, all of these small things were pushing him to the edge

And soon it would push him off it.

Aemond cursed himself when he drove through the rain, already running late, he looked at his watch and read the time, it was 10PM, the meeting in the afternoon stretched over two hours long which set back the rest of his schedule by a lot, he quickly parked his hair before making his way inside his house, open the door with the extra key carried before shutting it close.

“Look Aenys! Dada's here.” he heard you say and he was immediately spun around, he didn't expect you to stick around this long, but then he realised it was raining heavily and you always went by taxi, there probably would've been no taxi available in this weather.

“Aenys didn't go to sleep yet?” he asks, undoing the suit he was wearing before throwing it on the couch, approaching both of you, taking Aenys into his arms.

“He wanted to wait until you got home, he was worried for you, though he seems tired hmm.” you pinch his nose playfully and he scrunches it up, “I'm not twired…” he says but then yawns earning a chuckle from both you and Aemond.

“I'll put him to sleep, you go freshen up.” you say and Aemond nods, giving him back to you.

Fuck everything about that interaction felt too domestic.

And Aemond had lost his resolve.

He found you sitting on the couch, scrolling through something, he sat down next to you.

“What are you doing?” he asks and you look at him, “Trying to book cabs, but there are none available at the moment due to the weather.” you sigh before placing your phone down.

Aemond should've offered to drive you home but instead he offered to let you stay.

“You know you can stay over, I do not mind it.” he says and you look at him “Really? I don't wanna be a bother—”

“Oh please, you are never a bother.” he cuts you off and smiles at you. “You should freshen up for the night, you've been here since morning.” he says but you pout. “I do not have any clothes.” you say and he simply shrugs, “You can wear mine.” he pushes the buttons, wondering how far he can get away with it, he knew offering you to let you stay at his house already broke the employee boss relationship, hell, the moment he desired you was when it already broke.

“Mhm okay! Where is the guest bathroom?” you ask and he shakes his head, “The water heater is broken in that one, it's better if you use the attached bathroom in my room.” he says.

The water heater wasn't broken.

He was lying.

And you believed him.

He watched as you got up and made your way to his room, which was right next to Aenys', considering he has to react if something happens to him, he followed you inside opening the cupboards and giving you his hoodie and fresh pair of boxers which you thanked him for.

He left the room to give you privacy, but oh gods his mind was racing with all the thoughts.

He paced around, trying to contain himself, and he stood there in front of the door.

And then you opened it.

His hoodie reached to your thighs, and you looked at him, shocked to find him in front of the door, lips parted.

He snapped.

He quickly pushed you inside and shut the door behind you, slamming his lips against yours, and kissed you fervent hunger, you stumbled back and you almost fell but he caught you by your waist and pushed deeper into the kiss, moving his lips hungrily against your.

He pulls away, silently giving you a way out if you need it.

You should refuse this.

You should push him away.

But you don't, instead you wrap your arms around him and pull him into a deeper kiss, he groans when he feels you kiss him back, he pulls away once again, before grabbing you by your arm and pushing you onto the bed, making you fall on your back, your hoodie rising up, revealing your stomach, which he kissed lovingly before he pulled the hoodie even more further up, exposing your tits and pressing kisses to the nipples, causing you to gasp.

He pulls the hoodie off of you completely, and you raise your hands to assist him, he pulls off his shirt too, exposing his naked chest, and you bite your lip at the view, next he takes the boxes off you, doing the same, leaving you both completely bare to the room.

He pushes you upwards to the bed and crawls on top of you, kissing your face, neck, collar bones and valley between your breasts, his hands grab the flesh of your tits before he kneads them, massaging them, thumbs flicking the nipples making you arch your back.

One of his hands trails down to your core, dipping into the heat, he outright moans when he finds you practically leaking, collecting the arousal and bringing it upwards your bud. Rubbing small circles which makes you gasp.

He pulls his hand away and brings it up to lick at the wetness that has accumulated on the fingers, humming in satisfaction before he pressed kisses which travelled downwards until his mouth stopped right at your core, giving a small kiss to it to, you shivered when you felt his hot breath against it, the way the air he exhaled would hit your clit. He kissed the inner part of your thighs first, making you needy with want, wishing he'd just take you into his mouth.

And then he does, his tongue strides upwards from your opening to your clit, giving you one long lick before he captures your clit with his mouth, suckling on it, causing you moan his name loudly, both of his hands wrap around your thighs and he pulls them further apart, his fingers digging into the flesh as he hungrily devours your cunt, tongue flicking the bud constantly, you grip his hair and buck your hips, practically rutting against his face, you felt his tongue travelling down and lick at the wetness, the tip of his nose pushing against your clit, you felt your core tighten as the movement of his tongue sped up, causing you to topple over the edge and your orgasm hit you like a truck, making you whine loudly.

He greedily licked everything up before he placed wet kisses on your thighs, the residue of your wetness sticking to them before he sat back on his knees between your parted legs, you watched as he got up slightly, making his cock come into view.

Your eyes widened slightly, which didn't go unnoticed by Aemond, this stroked his ego very much.

He was big, bigger than any you've seen before, it was pale with a tip that was flushed pink due to the blood pumping, oozing precum out of it, he pumped his cock in his hand to ease the area, coating his dick in his own precum before he positioned it against your entrance, you bit your lip in anticipation but then you felt him slide against your folds, covering his dick in your wetness as well before slapping your clit with the tip of his dick, making you whimper.

He then lined himself against your entrance and pushed in, and you arched your back at the stretch, it was so delicious, you felt so full.

He leaned on top of you and gave you a passionate kiss, you could taste yourself on his tongue, making you taste the tanginess, he supported his weight on his elbows which were on either side of you, gripping yours, fingers intertwined with yours. You were locked in a missionary position, a position that felt intimate.

Then you felt him move, thrusting in and out at a brutal speed, causing you to moan his name, the thrusts made you jolt up the bed, breasts bouncing due to the force emitted from it, his grip tightening as he grunted on top of you, rutting into your wet heat, his hair dropped his shoulders, cascading around his face, and you gasped at how godly his looked like this.

Then you felt his tip hit your gspot, constantly, which caused you moan extremely loudly, “Fuckk! Ahh~ Aemond!” you mewled, closing your eyes and throwing your head back, his hand left one of yours to cover your mouth as he continuously slammed into you.

“Shh, be quiet, or he'll wake up.” he whispers, referring to Aenys who was sleeping in the next room and you nodded, you felt him pull his hand away but his thumb traced your lips, you opened your mouth which made him put his thumb inside and you sucked on him, and you felt him groan, then he pulled it out, hand going back to grip yours, and you bit your lip to hold back your moans from slipping out.

You felt your core begin to tighten again and it snapped once more, causing you to arch you back, pushing your breasts against his chest and he muttered 'fuck' feeling the way you clenched around him.

His thrusts begin to grow sloppy and lose their rhythm, indicating that he was close, “Fuckk, I'm gonna cum inside you.” he says and you whine, “I'm going to get you pregnant, watch you grow round with my kid…” he growls, thrusting into you again and again, “You're going to give Aenys little siblings, You will, right? He looked so lonely, I think he'd appreciate that.” he grunts and you nod quickly, mind too hazy to even comprehend or acknowledge the complications behind you agreeing to this.

“Good girl.” he says before he finishes inside you, and paints your walls white, shooting up his seed far into you, riding his orgasm out.

You felt him pull out and thought that was the end until he pushed you over onto your back, and sat on his knees, he grabbed your waist and pulled it up, and you immediately switched to supporting your on your knees as you arched your back, stretching like a cat, your hands on the side of you.

He groaned when he watched his cum drip down your thighs before he scooped it up and put it in his mouth, tasting your combined essence.

He was still hard.

So he wasted no time, shoving himself back inside you and you whined at the way your walls felt overstimulated, not knowing if you can handle one more orgasm consistently.

He sheathed himself inside your walls, and moved with fervent speed like before, his balls slapping against your thighs, the room was filled with erotic noises, he gripped your waist for support, until his hand travelled slightly upwards, catching one of your tits before gripping it tightly, and rolling the nipple in between his fingers.

“I can't wait to watch them swell.” he grunts.

“You'd look so pretty with my child in your belly, the way your tummy will swell? Gods fuck, that is a vision.” he moans

“Look at you, taking my cock so well, like you are meant to.” he notes, thrusting in and out, watching as the previous cum leaks out.

He clicks his tongue

“So much is going to waste, tsk, it's okay I'll fill you up again, make sure you get pregnant.” he groans and you moan, “Ye-yes fill me up.” you say, and he smirks at that, “Good girl, taking my cock like one.” he leans against you, your back pressing to his chest as he leaves kisses on the back of your neck, and you once again, topple over the edge for the third time.

He finishes too, inside you again.

You both fall besides each other on the bed, and realise the weight of the situation after the adrenaline and excitement of the moment fades away and the breathing becomes more stable.

“I- fuck.” Aemond begins not knowing what to say and you lay there quietly.

“Listen, ever since that day you walked in, I felt some type of pull towards you, I wasn't sure what it was, but it was as if we were meant to me, and I couldn't ignore the feelings brewing inside me.” you watch as he speaks.

“I- to put it in simple words, I fell in love with you. I really did, though it's fine if you do not share the same feelings, we can go back to pretending this never happened.” he confesses.

“I am in love with you too.” you confess, “I pushed these feelings away, because it wasn't appropriate.” you say and he looks at you this time.

Silence falls between you two.

A comfortable silence.

He pulls you closer and wraps his arms around you, hugging you, and you hug him back, the he places loving kisses atop you.

You felt something hard pressing against your inner thighs and you looked down, shocked to find him hard again, you chuckle.

“Again?” you tease and he playfully glares at you, “Yeah, you're so fucking irresistible.” he kisses your neck, hips mindlessly grinding against you. “I'm so sensitive.” you pout, but you get an idea, you quickly push him onto his back before getting on top of him, and then crawling down in between his legs, before taking his cock in your hand.

“Fuck!” he moans when he feels your warm hand wrap around it, before you gently tug on it, pumping your hand up and down, watching as the precum leaks out, you collect some with your tongue, poking the slight hole making him groan and grip the side of your head.

You trail kisses down to his balls, before giving them wet kisses as your hand pumps his cock, you lick a long stride up his length before taking him in your mouth, as best as you can, hands resting on his thighs to balance yourself.

You bob your head up and down, swirling the the tongue around him, pulling away time to time to breath before descending onto him once again, the grip on the side of your head tightened and you watched as he sat up slightly leaning on his elbow, before his hips thrusted upwards, and so you let him take control.

He collected your hair into a makeshift pony before gripping the back of your head tightly and thrusting his entire length into your mouth, the tip teaching the back of your throat, making you gag slightly, causing tears to well up in your eyes, you closed them and tried to breathe through your nose as he thrusted upwards and fast, essentially fucking your throat.

You felt him twitch slightly in your mouth, knowing he was close, you sucked him and hollowed your cheeks, he threw his head back at that, he felt steady pleasure rising within him before such a force expelled from his body, causing him to peak, shooting out ropes and ropes after cum into your mouth, you felt it hit the back of your throat, causing you to swallow unknowingly, before he slightly pulled out, cause the remaining to fall in your mouth.

He pulled out completely and watched your face, flushed and hair dishevelled, you held his cum in your mouth, waiting for his command, “Swallow.” and you did, obeying him, opening your mouth to show that there was none left, he groaned as he watched the remnants of his seed drip from the side of your mouth before he collected it with his index finger and shoved it back into your mouth, and you click his finger clean, he grunted before you upwards and kissing you, tasting himself in your mouth, hands squeezing your ass before he gave one of them light slaps, causing you to wince.

You pulled away and breathed heavily, he smiled down at you, before he left the bed to clean both of you up, collecting the clothes and getting dressed before he pulled beside him in the bed, going to sleep while hugging your form.

You dreaded the next morning, wondering how you'll explain your relationship to Aenys, you woke up to an empty bed, you read the time, it's was just 8AM, you felt sad but then you quickly got up and went outside finding Aemond and Aenys awake, sitting at the table conversing, your heart warmed at the sight, Aenys spotted you and ran over to you, lifting his arms up, asking you to silently to carry him, and you did, you picked him up before placing a small kiss to his forehead.

“Mama!” he said and you froze, before you looked at Aemond, who gave you a small smile and nodded and your eyes softened at it, it seems he had done the explaining.

“Mama! Mama!” Aenys grabbed your face making you look at him and you chuckled, “Yes Aenys, it's mama.” you say and he smiles brightly.

“I'll go get ready for work.” Aemond says, getting up from the spot he was sitting on and coming over to both of you before he pressed a kiss to Aenys forehead, and doing the same to you and going inside his room and getting ready.

You put Aenys down on his chair and went to the kitchen to prepare breakfast, you made simple eggs on toast, and just on the time, Aemond came out of his room, looking all ready and you placed three plates down, along with fruits cut into small pieces of Aenys.

“I made breakfast.” you say and Aemond smiles at you, before sitting down and the three of you ate breakfast.

Applying for this job was the best thing you've ever done.

Who knew your life would change the course of it in the span of just a few months.

There were other things to discuss, and you knew it was plaguing Aemond's mind as well, but you both decided it will be best if discussed later and so you both basked in this moment, listening to Aenys babbles.

“So i hwave a mom now rightt?” he asks Aemond who nods, “Are you happy?” he asks and Aenys nods quickly, “Yesh! Aenys is wery hwappy! But…” he trails off and you feel your heartbeat quicken.

“I want a sibling too…” he murmurs

Oh gods.

Your eyes flickered over to Aemond who stared at you, you blush and look away as you remembered the details of last night.

“I wwant a swister… ! or a bwother!!! Hmm any is fine…” he babbles on, not knowing what he is asking for.

You look at Aemond again, who didn't seem to take his eye off you at all.

He smirks.

Oh fuck.

You quickly get up and collect the empty plates before going behind the kitchen counter and placing them in the sink, washing your hands, focusing your attention on them, until you felt arms wrapped around your waist before one trailed upwards towards your breast giving it squeeze, you quickly looked up to see Aenys was watching until you realised he was nowhere to be seen.

“He's in his playroom.” Aemond whispered in your ear, grinding slowly against your ass.

“Heard that? He wants a sibling so badly, surely you can't deny him right?” he asks, pinching your nipples through the fabric causing you to gasp.

He places kisses down your neck, before he spins you around and kisses you on the mouth, making you wrap your arms around his shoulder. He pulls away before kissing you on the cheek.

His phone rings and he notices the time, 9:15AM, he was running late which was the first for him, and it was his assistant calling him.

“Fuck, mood spoiler.” he grunts before shoving his phone back in his pocket before placing a kiss to your mouth once again.

“Don't think I'm done with you yet, it's gonna be one hell of a ride when I get back home.” he presses one final kiss to your neck before pulling himself away from you, granted it was so fucking difficult considering how he wanted to fuck you on the kitchen counter just moments ago.

You nod and follow him to the front door.

“Have a nice day, Aemond.” you say, and he smiles at you, coming to kiss you but then Aenys comes running towards you both.

“Is dada going to work?? BYE DADAAA” he screams and Aemond chuckles, before waving a small 'bye' to Aenys, and leaving from the front door.

He barely left and he already couldn't wait to get back home from work.

And you gulped, nervous in anticipation.

Oh seven hells.

———