#but i am so tired paying more each month for the bare minimum to stay alive

[neuromantis]

you can sanction and tax and pricegouge russia up the ass, but you can't do the same for usa? or at the bare minimum israel??

peculiar, smh smh smh.

[wyrdify]

A bit of an explanation for the stronger depression because I’m an info-dumper, and this shift is boring as fuck right now anyway. Plus, I know it affects my ability to write, and, well, I haven’t done that in a while, which is what most of y’all follow my blogs for.

---

We’re gonna break it down into parts:

Seasonal depression. Winter tends to increase my depression overall due to less sunlight, colder temperatures, and more time indoors. This is something to check on for yourselves, by the way. 

Apartment bound. Save for the one night a week when I get to go to trivia, I am basically stuck in my apartment 24/7. We are working to get my car fixed to help remedy this problem, but I have not driven in over a year, and we’re entering the winter season in New England.

My soul-sucking job. I cannot emphasize this one enough. My hours just got cut again for the week of 12/11 when I was promised they wouldn’t be, and I’m going to have to scrounge around to get them back up to 28.75. That’s all I’m allowed to work, and that’s for $12.75/hour (minimum wage). Management is poor and retaliatory, coworkers/assistant managers micromanage me to death, I don’t get recognition or praise for the work I do---the list goes on. But, because I can’t drive myself anywhere, and other work-at-home jobs that aren’t strictly customer service are hard to come by, I have to stick with it.

December in general. It’s a hard month for my family. Eleven years ago this Christmas Eve is when my paternal grandmother passed away (maternal passed away last year in late November, and I wasn’t as close to her for various reasons). While the wound isn’t as fresh as it was when I was 21, it still fucking hurts, and I still have trauma related to this whole Christmas season that I’ve been trying to deal with. When your grandmother was the center of your family, and she was the one who made Christmas a big deal at her house, the holidays lose a lot of their cheer. 

I have bipolar depression (bipolar II). If you want to learn more about what that means, Mayo Clinic does a decent breakdown here about bipolar in general. I’ve had this since I was at least in my teen years---that’s when I remember the depression getting worse, at least---but I wasn’t diagnosed until a couple of months ago. It means that when I hit a low, I hit a low, and I can stay in it for days to weeks at a time. Hypomania? Lasts maybe a few days if I’m lucky. Then there are the mixed episodes, also known as depression with the energy to act on it (for me, at least).

I’m not out to my in-laws. Because these are the holidays, I’m spending more time around them. I love my in-laws, but they are staunch conservative Catholics, and I’m not out to them as nonbinary. I get misgendered (not intentionally) a lot when I’m around them, and it’s hard. I’m sure a lot of my gender-nonconforming friends here can relate.

---

What I’m doing about each of these things:

Seasonal depression: Being aware of it, turning lights on, and staying on top of my diet.

Apartment bound: Working on getting my car fixed (husband is researching tires), finding opportunities to get out when possible.

My soul-sucking job: Just taking it one day at a time, venting here and there, keeping my head down, doing the bare minimum work wise*, focusing on what I can control, continuing to look for other jobs, working on a loan repayment plan to get my FAFSA done to get college restarted so I can work on an MLIS, not responding to work emails or slack messages while not on shift.

*paying minimum wage = minimum effort

December in general: Acknowledging the grief, communicating about it and when it’s hitting harder, not pushing myself too much. Also going to try and decorate the apartment for Christmas to get some of that holiday cheer in.

Bipolar II: Educating myself on my disorder, therapy, medication (and working with my med manager), tracking my sleep, journaling, writing poetry, tracking my moods.

Not Out to my In-Laws: Husband and I need to find a time to talk to his mom alone about it, and that’s probably not gonna happen for a bit. So, I’m tabling it for now.

---

Doing all of these things doesn’t change that the depressive episode is still hitting hard right now. It was super bad yesterday, and I’m sort of crawling out of it just now. I’m still going to isolate for the time being, especially since I have the Bioshock collection to distract me for a bit (started yesterday, and whoo boy it’s a trip so far). 

I’ll respond to discord messages when I get the energy, and my brain stops being snappy. That’s one part of depression no one likes, and it’s one reason I isolate: I can be mean, and I don’t want to be mean to my friends. My brain goes “Lol no one’s listening to/they’re ignoring you anyway, so go isolate.” You know, that leftover toxic thinking from being raised by abusive parents where I had to scream for even slight acknowledgment. Super fun. I’m working on challenging it, but, in the meantime, I just step away and not talk so I don’t say something mean. 

Anyway, this got longer than I thought it would, and I got distracted several times by work. Thanks for reading if you did. Have Vincent sitting on the internet as a reward.

[onebourbon-oneshot-onetear]

Aquatica

Chapter 1-Evie

Hello everyone. This is the beginning of my series featuring my own OC and Bruce Wayne, specifically from the animated Justice League series. Each chapter is based off of an episode in the series. This is actually the first work I ever started, so the first chapters are a little rough, but they get better through the end. This is also on my Ao3 (Volleygirl13). Please let me know if you enjoy!

I do not own D.C Comics, and I only own my OC and my versions of the plots.

I'm not a superhero. At least, I never thought of myself as one. I just always tried to do the right thing and hoped that it would all work out. I knew of plenty of people who would try and do the right things in life like I did, and they were never considered as superheroes. Of course, not everyone has the abilities like I do. I guess my abilities put the super in superhero. But whatever. Either way, I didn't think I was so super.

Before I start going into a philosophical rant about what makes a hero, I should probably explain who I am. My name is Evelyn Lowry. I never liked being called by my full first name. I mean seriously, Evelyn? What kind of a name is that? It sounds like some 18th century snobby aristocrat. No, I was always called Eves, at least by my parents, they were the only ones who were allowed to call me that. My sister and my friends always called me Evie. At first I didn't like that as much. Evie still sounded too sweet like a little girl in a bubble gum pink dress and pigtails. Ew. As I got older I realized that the name wasn't so bad. It was a lot like me, feminine but simple.

I suppose I look alright, that is, I never saw myself as drop dead gorgeous or anything. I was pretty tall for a girl, at about 5'9 (and no for you really rude people, I have never played basketball a day in my life. Gosh I am so tired of hearing that). I actually look a lot like my mother, with really dark brown hair that almost looks black, and bright dark blue eyes. My eyes weren't always this bright, but they changed after my, uh, accident. With the information I had now I never referred to this event as an 'accident' but for now I'll call it an accident.

I had a pretty normal childhood. We lived in suburban Gotham my whole life. I can tell what you're thinking, and yes, there is a suburban part of Gotham, it isn't all just dark and creepy big city setting with places like the Narrows. There is a happier side to it. Anyway, I lived about 20 minutes outside of the city in a big blue house complete with dog and a picket fence. Most people would say my life was perfect, and it was. Until I turned 12. It was actually my 12th birthday. That was the day my life changed. You see, I didn't want to go anywhere for my birthday… but my parents, well, they just had to try and do something special.

Don't get me wrong I love my parents, I really do. But aside from my mother's looks and my father's sense of humor we were nothing alike. I'm talking polar opposites, day and night, fire and water, those kinds of opposites. They had grown up as the elite class of Gotham. That 1 percent of people who never had to worry about money, and who always had the newest technology and gadgets before they even hit the public market. Now please don't think of them as these snobby old rich people, because they weren't that either. They ran a respectable business and always treated their employees with respect and gave them extra pay and vacation days, which is a lot considering some companies in this city barely pay their employers with minimum wage. A lot of people loved and respected my parents.

Anyway, back to what I was saying. I remember that day so clearly even when I try to forget it ever happened at all. A terrible storm had rolled in during the afternoon and it hadn't left by dinnertime. The thunder and lightning was so loud it shook the house. My little sister, Caitlyn, was terrified. She was hiding under my bed with our dog because they both were scared. That seemed to be the spot both of them went to whenever they were scared. At first I was annoyed by it because they would always come in my room, but I realized that I didn't mind protecting them. I was the older sister after all. It was my job to take care of them and make sure they were safe.

"Mom," I whined, "I really don't want to go anywhere tonight. Let's just stay home and watch movies and eat junk food. That's really all I want!"

"Eves sweetie, you know your father and I had to spend so much money to get the tickets for the art museum exhibit tonight. And we had to pull some strings to get into the restaurant as well." my mother told me. I looked down into my lap feeling really guilty. This whole art museum and dinner thing was my idea a couple weeks ago. I hadn't realized just how much my parents had to spend in order to make it happen for me.

I looked up at my mom's face as lightning lit up my room and thunder shook the walls. She looked so excited to go, I didn't want to ruin the night for her. "You know what, I changed my mind. I think we should go. It'll be fun." My mom immediately perked up and got that really excited look in her eyes, the look that made her eyes seem to glow a bright blue and her smile was infectious. I saw just how excited she was for all of us to go out. Mom loves going out and seeing the town, shopping, buying make up, typical girl things. In many ways I always felt like I was more mature than my mother. I was more down to earth and she was more childlike than I ever had been.

"I'm so glad you changed your mind sweetheart! Now, go get dressed, we have to leave in an hour." My mom bent over and whispered something to my sister. My sister squealed with delight, running out of my room and my mom laughing and chasing after her. My dog climbed out from under my bed and looked up at me. "Well, I guess we are going out then."

After the fifteen minutes it took me to go get ready I waited in the parlor of our house. I looked outside at the thunder and lightning and noticed that the rain had started. What started out as a few drops turned into a torrential down-pour. I could barely hear my sister sneak up behind me over the rain hitting the glass, but I could sense she was there. She thinks she's a super sneaky ninja, but I think that she doesn't know how to be quiet under any circumstance. "Cait, what do you think you're doing?"

Cait looked at me with her big brown eyes and a mischievous grin that I knew very well. She was planning something. And that was usually bad news for me. My sister was three years younger than me, and she was the exact spitting image of my dad. Blonde hair, brown eyes, and that little bump on the bridge of her nose. Also like my dad, Cait was a total prankster. Numerous times had I walked into my room and she had put a rubber snake on the floor in order to scare me, or she hid under my bed and grabbed my ankle when I woke up in the morning, or her latest prank, she put toothpaste all over the toilet seat so when I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night I sat down in it. I never retaliated because I knew she was just having some fun. I didn't want to ruin it.

Cait didn't answer me, she just kept grinning. That's bad news. That meant she had already gotten her prank ready, she just had to wait for me to walk into it. I rolled my eyes, but smiled a little bit. I turned to watch the rain, not knowing that soon enough whatever prank she was going to pull on me wouldn't matter.

Half an hour later we were all gathered in the car and on our way to Gotham to the art museum. My sister was complaining about the music my mom wanted to listen to, my mom was arguing with my dad about how fast the windshield wipers should be going, and I just sat there looking out the window. Eventually I just tuned them all out. I didn't want to listen to arguing on my birthday.

As I was looking out the window at the down pour, our car started jerking and swerving. We were gaining speed and my dad couldn't stop the car. My sister was screaming in the back because she was scared, my mom was urgently telling my dad to try and use the brakes, and my dad was yelling back that the brakes weren't working. I sat there frozen, there was nothing I could do. With a roar of thunder and a flash of lightning, our car stopped suddenly and I was jerked forward so hard my face hit the back of the drivers' seat. In all the commotion and panic my dad didn't see the tree lying in the middle of the road. The tree we collided into. It was so quiet after the deafening impact of the crash that had happened only moments before. The last thing I remember was looking over at my sister and saw that she wasn't moving. There was another flash of lightning, my eyes started to close and then everything went dark.

When I woke up, I saw hands trying to pry open my car door. They finally got the car open and the paramedics started working on me, putting my neck in a brace and making sure there was no glass sticking into my arms. Out of the corner of my eye I could see that nobody was anywhere near my parents or my sister. I wanted to ask them why they weren't doing anything to help them. Why they were so still? Why weren't they waking up yet? Then in my haze I realized why.

The truth came down on me like a ton of bricks. They weren't walking away from this. They weren't going home. I started thrashing and trying to get back to the car but I was already strapped down to the stretcher. I couldn't understand what the people were trying to tell me but I heard them all yelling. I felt a prick in my neck and everything went dark again.

The following months and years following the car accident was a blur. I had gone from having a loving family and a perfect life to being an orphan and bouncing around foster homes. I never stayed with a family longer than 5 weeks. I just couldn't get comfortable with random strangers who I was supposed to make my family. I felt a stab of guilt every time I started to feel comfortable with a new family. This went on for a while, until I was seventeen. Then I enlisted in the Navy. I figured I couldn't afford to go to college since I couldn't touch my bank accounts until I was 18, and I wouldn't have known what to do after college anyway. At least in the military I would have three meals a day and a roof over my head.

I pushed and forced myself to work through the ranks and in four years I was asked to be in a specific group of soldiers. We were trained in advanced hand to hand combat, and weapons training. Not to brag or anything, but I was the top of our group. Apparently when you have nowhere else to go and nothing else to do it is pretty easy to give all of your focus into your work. My work just happened to be learning how to kill someone with something as insignificant as a safety pin. As good as I was at the training, I never thought I would ever be able to actually kill someone. But still, I trained so that if I had to, I would be able to protect myself.

I can't really discuss any more of my training. I still have contracts with the military that I am still required to follow. What I can tell you is, I was very good at my job. One day I was testing out some new weapons when I got a call to go to one of the labs. I didn't really question it, I had been called down before to try and test some different formulas for field work (again, more stuff I can't really talk about).

I had walked into the lab and I saw that it was empty. At first I thought that I was late, but when I looked at my watch, I realized that I was right on time. I stood there for another moment before I heard a noise. It sounded like something was sparking. Like a live wire had been put into a puddle of water and it was still sizzling. It was probably a really stupid move, but my instincts told me to walk over to where I heard the noise. It was the in furthest corner of the lab, a white machine that had a bottle of blue liquid in it. I walked closer to it; the noise continued to grow louder. I looked around me to see if there was anyone in a white lab coat who would have even an inkling of what to do in this situation. I looked back at the machine and saw that it was spinning and sparking at an alarming rate. A high pitched noise started coming from it, growing higher and higher in frequency. A small voice in my head told me to get out of there. For once I listened to that voice. I started backing away, but I was too late. There was a bright white light, an explosion, and then everything went dark.

I woke up in a hospital bed. The doctors came in and told me there was an accident, and that I now had special 'abilities'. At first I thought they were crazy, but then I stopped and realized that I did feel different. I didn't look over to see the cup of water on the table next to my bed, but I knew it was there and I could feel the water inside the cup. Each little water molecule that was bouncing around inside the cup, I could feel all of them, as if the water itself was present in my mind. It's hard to explain, but there was no other explanation for it. I could sense the water molecules that were inside the doctors and nurses in the room, as the blood pulsed through them I could sense the water as well. I could even tell that it had rained earlier in the day because of a few drops of water on the window sill. I was scared. I mean, being a really cool bad ass soldier was one thing, but sensing water? That was something else entirely. The doctors gave me some more medicine since I had bruised myself up pretty badly in the explosion. The morphine made me tired and I was in and out of consciousness for hours at a time.

I spent a couple days in the hospital. Different doctors and scientists wanted to know what I could do with these new abilities. I found that I could move around and manipulate the water in whatever way I thought of. Spheres, squares, octagons, dodecagons…well I think you get the point. If I concentrated hard enough, I could stop the molecules in the cups of water from moving and it would freeze solid. Eventually I could do it on instinct, without even thinking about the molecules and just wishing that the water turned to ice. As cool as it was, it was tiring. For days on end I would sit in bed and demonstrate my new powers to everyone who would walk into my room. The doctors even put me into a machine that could look at my brain as I used my powers. They never told me everything that the scan showed, they just said that it had become a natural instinct for me, whatever that meant. I was too tired most of the time to think about it.

On the fourth day of sitting in the hospital I was well enough to walk again. I decided that I had had enough of being a performing monkey for all of these doctors and scientists and I wanted to go for a walk. I got up to walk out the door, but I noticed that it wasn't closed all the way. I could hear hushed voices talking outside, a male and a female.

"…she could be the greatest weapon the military has ever seen. Even without training she is still powerful. Imagine what she could do with even more combat training." the male voice said.

"Yes, but is she going to be willing to comply when she realizes we will use her to hurt people?" the female asked.

"I don't think she has a choice. She is an asset now, we can't just let her go."

My eyes widened and I didn't want to hear any more, I slowly retreated back to my bed and sat down. They want to use me as a weapon? I didn't want to be forced to hurt people. The very thought made me angry. How dare they think they can just use me to do their dirty work. I knew I couldn't stay there anymore. I found my clothes, got dressed and waited for the shift change for the doctors and nurses and I snuck out. I didn't know where I was going, but I knew that I couldn't stay and be a human weapon.

After my "accident" I had to lay low. Like, really low. Everywhere I turned I was afraid there would be someone from the hospital watching me, or someone sent to capture me and take me back to the military to be a weapon. These were pretty stressful times for me, at least for the first couple of months until I was able to hitch my way back to Gotham. I had no money, no new clothes, and nowhere to go. I hadn't bathed in ages and I looked like a homeless person. I decided that I had to go somewhere familiar, so I went to the library that I had frequented as a kid.

I went in to get out of the rain one night and saw that the place was empty. I logged onto one of the computers and searched my name. I wanted to see if I had been wanted by the government or something, but I only found some old articles from when my parents and sister died. I had an idea and logged onto the website for the bank my parents used. I remembered the old usernames and passwords in order to get into my parent's information. It turns out that when my parents died I was left behind a decent amount of money. I decided that I didn't really need all of the money, just enough to buy or rent a small place so I would at least be off the streets. If I take the money, that would be an easy way for the government to track me, I thought.

I needed to find a way to get the cash so there would be no money trail behind me. At least the Navy taught me some hacking skills. With my limited computer skills, I managed to get into the banking system and wire all of the money through to an offshore account that I had setup. It was completely untraceable and now I could use my money however I needed to. It had only taken a few minutes and I looked around to make sure that nobody saw me. I waited until morning and I went to an ATM to withdraw some cash and I bought a tiny apartment in a sketchy looking apartment building in the middle of Gotham. It was a small one bedroom place, but it was plenty of room for me.

As time went on, I had to make a decision on what to do with these new powers. I had been working with them every day and I had gotten stronger. I also continued my morning runs and exercise regime that I had been doing in the Navy. To be honest, I was in the best shape that I had ever been in. I was confident in my new abilities, and I was sure that I wouldn't lose control and hurt others. This power seemed to do whatever I wanted it to, no questions asked, almost like the water was a part of me. There were some major perks, but there was also some disadvantages, like when the apartment next to me had a leaky faucet and I could hear the water drip. All. Night. Long. That was annoying.

One day I was watching the news on the tiny little T.V that sat in the corner of my kitchen. There had been a break in at a bank in Metropolis, the neighboring city. I sat there amazed as I watched Superman and Green Lantern take out the robbers with ease. They were real heroes. They didn't use their abilities for selfish reasons, and they certainly didn't hide them. In that moment I decided that I wanted to be like them. I wanted to use my powers to help people, to make them feel safe. And lord knows Gotham could always use some help. I made a call to a contact I still had in the Navy. His name was Hank and he was a sweet older gentleman. He worked in the research and development section and he always gave my unit new gear before anyone else could even set their eyes on it. I called in a favor and asked if he could hook me up with some stuff for 'recreational purposes'. At least that is what I told him I would be doing. I didn't think running around Gotham in jeans and a sweatshirt would be a good idea. After talking to Hank he said we could meet at some of the docks in Gotham.

Later that night I made my way over to the docks. I decided I couldn't draw attention to myself and I wore a dark sweatshirt with skinny jeans and some sneakers. I met Hank exactly where he said he would be, in a corner of the docks where a dull orange light cast shadows onto the surrounding crates. "Hey Hank, how's it going?"

Hank looked up at me and for the first time since I had known him I saw a grin on his face. Usually he was surly and gruff, but the more you got to know him the sweeter he became. Despite this sweetness, he never really smiled. In his defense though, whenever we really spoke at work we talked about weapons and how much damage it could do to people and places. Not necessarily the kind of stuff you smile over. But there Hank stood, smiling at me like I was a million bucks.

"Nice to see you kid. It's been too long." Hank said.

"Yeah, you too Hank. Look, I really hate to bother you and all, especially since you could get in a lot of trouble for just talking to me. It's a big risk for you, and I appreciate it."

"It's no problem at all. I've missed you, you were my favorite out of your unit. You always respected everything I showed you and treated it properly. Those other idiots would always mess around, nearly killing themselves. So, what is it that you've called me for? I figured you would be staying underground due to your…circumstances." I didn't even want to know how Hank new about my accident. I thought that the Navy would be keeping it as quiet as they could.

"I was. I mean, I am for right now, but I don't think I can any longer. It's been months Hank. I need to go out and do something. I can't just sit around with these powers I have and not use them. I feel like now I have a responsibility to help people and keep them safe." I said all of that in one breath I stopped and took a deep one. It was nice to finally talk to someone, to let out everything that had been stirring up inside of me for weeks and months. This isn't something you can just talk to anyone about. If I told people that I had water powers they would think I was insane. I looked up at Hank, and for the second time that night Hank was smiling.

"Well, it's about time. I thought I would get a call from you ages ago. I already started making stuff for you to use. I just had to wait for your call in order to give it to you." I looked at him in disbelief. How could he know what I was going to do when even I wasn't sure what I wanted to do? "So, do you want to continue this therapy session, or do you want to see what I made you?" Hank smugly asked me.

I kept looking at him in disbelief. "You're amazing, you know that?" He just nodded. "Well, let's show me what you've got."

Hank pulled out a duffel bag. "First things first kid. You need an outfit." He pulled out what looked like a dark leotard. "This is the body of your outfit. Dark blue, to match your water powers. The material is thin and very breathable. It's also resistant to cuts and scrapes. You could have a knife go across your chest and it won't leave a mark. It is also waterproof so when you use your powers you won't be running around soaking wet." Then he pulled out some black leggings. "These are made of the same material as the top piece. I'm assuming you still have your combat boots. Those will work fine." He laid everything out on the crate that sat between us. "This is the most important item here." He pulled out a dark grey rod that was leaning against the crate. "This material is very rare and very special. As far as I know it's the only piece that has ever been recovered."

"But what exactly is it?" I asked.

"This is Aquam Petram. It's Latin for Water Rock. This rock is basically made of water, but has the feel of rock. This will allow you to use your water even if there is no water near you. You can slowly extract water from the rod and then put it back." I picked up the rod and could immediately feel the water inside. I twirled it around my fingers. The staff was about 5 feet long and very sturdy; I could probably hit one of these crates with it and it wouldn't even get a crack in it. I looked closer at the staff and saw that it had carvings of waves going around it. It was simple and subtle, and I loved it. "That's everything kid. You should have whatever else you need."

"Umm Hank, what about a mask? Shouldn't I keep my identity a secret?" Hank looked at me with a curious look on his face. Actually, curious isn't exactly the right word; his face was practically screaming 'how exactly are you so dumb?' "What?" I asked him.

"Evie, you don't really need to hide from anyone. You don't have a family to protect and the only people that know you have powers aren't going to call you out on it. I would only get them in trouble with human experimentation. I don't think you are going to need a mask." He said. "Besides, how else will all the men see your face? You're getting old, you need to start looking for someone." Hank teasingly said. I could feel my face turn bright red. Like BRIGHT red. I could probably fry an egg on my face, that's how much heat was coming off of it.

"Thanks Hank," I said. "Cause that's what I'm worried about, finding a husband." Pssh yeah, like I'm going to find someone who would be okay with dating a girl who can control water and catches criminals. 'Oh sorry honey, I can't go on a date right now, I have a world to save and bad guys to stop!' Cause that will go over really well with the men. Hank interrupted my thoughts.

"Well, I think it's time we went our separate ways, kid." I looked up at Hank and was surprised to see he had a sad look in his eyes. Almost like he didn't want me to go. I realized now that there was no turning back. I was going on my own to stop the bad guys, I couldn't have the Navy backing me up anymore. I had to do this by myself. I suddenly became unsure of my idea. How could I do this?

Hank must have understood what I was thinking and he grabbed my shoulder. "Evie, you are one of the strongest people I know. You have lost so much, and you have been given a responsibility that most people cannot even imagine. Through all of this you have still been an amazing person and your entire life you have wanted to help people. This is just another chapter in your life, and you will be just fine." I didn't realize that I had tears welled up in my eyes until they started falling. It had been so long since I had somebody tell me they believed in me and was proud of me. I hadn't hear that my parents died. I gave Hank a watery smile and attempted to say thank you, but my throat was too tight and the words wouldn't come out. Hank gave me a pat on the shoulder, another rare smile, and he walked back towards the parking lot. I stayed on the dock looking down at the outfit that was still lying on the crate. I took a deep breath, packed all of it away, grabbed my new staff, and walked towards the city lights. Let the new chapter of my life begin.

[swishy-imagines]

Dysophonia (3/3)

Of course Allister would be up- Allister, who has no bedtime and regularly checks who’s online (and sometimes knows without checking at all)

He gets a flurry of new messages, and decides (against his better judgement) to open the chat up again:

[(11:58 pm)

🌊: any1 awake

bsides al hes always here

🐲RH_HL: me

allister: :(

Melony: Allister you really should go to bed!! 🛏⏰💤 You need your rest so you can grow up big and strong!!

🌊: mel has that ever worked

🐲RH_HL: lol

allister: hi piers

🐲RH_HL: what

oh snap

hey piers!!!!

🌊: heyy

Melony: Good evening piers! ☺️👋🏻

🌊: good 2 see u

🐲RH_HL: @championtime get in here mate I know you’re up

allister: <gif of a banette waving>

sorry that took a while to find]

He watches it scroll for a while, wondering if he’s actually delirious.

[championtime: Whaaaaaaaat

🐲RH_HL: piers is here

championtime: Seriously?

Oh wow you’re right

Brb buying a lottery ticket

Melony: That is not nice Leon 😡

🌊: lol

🐲RH_HL: lolol

Melony: 😡

🌊: leon respond 2 my email already

championtime: Anyway what’s up Piers

Ok listen I was GOING to

But then SOMEONE pinged me

🐲RH_HL: excuse me i am not the reason you’ve been putting off checking your email for three days

championtime: Why are you even awake right now Nessa

🌊: waiting 4 ur email

allister: mr Leon is very busy

🐲RH_HL: oh not you too

Leon you’ve corrupted the child

Melony: leave Allister alone 😡

How have you been Piers 😊😊]

He doesn’t know whether or not to respond. It’s really late, he ought to be trying to sleep. And... let’s be real, they probably don’t care. Still, they did ask...

He waits, one hand over the phone keyboard. When there’s no further messages:

[pierzzz: awful, if you really want to know

🌊: ?

championtime: ??/?

Melony: Oh no 😱😢

🐲RH_HL: oh hey no wait what’s up

Allister: :(

pierzzz: voice is gone

🌊: yyyyikes

pierzzz: also probably I am dying

allister: oh no

Melony: Piers you should not say things like that 😱 there are children present 😡

allister: it’s okay i know he’s joking

Melony: I meant Leon

championtime: HEY

🌊: lololol

🐲RH_HL: seriously though are you ok

pierzzz: will be eventually

championtime: Losing your voice must be a big deal

pierzzz: oh it is

would be livid if I wasn’t so bloody tired

🐲RH_HL: just ur throat? or are you like

oh

pierzzz: caught a cold or something

barely made it through the show tonight

even looking at the screen is making my head hurt like hell

🌊: turn ur brightness down genius

pierzzz: it’s on minimum smartass

🐲RH_HL: why did you even do the concert

pierzzz: came on too fast

was fine this morning now I’m just

☠️

championtime: That sounds more like the flu mate

🐲RH_HL: yeah

pierzzz: oh fantastic

Melony: Oh no!! 😢

Are you going to be ok?

pierzzz: ill be fine

just gotta sleep it off

championtime: You sure?

🌊: was that a pun

🐲RH_HL: can and will corvicab over there if you are actually dying

pierzzz: what no what

championtime: No to who

pierzzz: all of you cut it out

wait

championtime: HA

pierzzz: nO NOT YOU

allister: :(

🐲RH_HL: got it be right there

pierzzz: STOP

Melony: Raihan, calm down. It’s past midnight, taking a taxi at this hour is a little unreasonable.

pierzzz: THANK you melony

Melony: You can pay him a visit tomorrow morning. 😊

pierzzz: i have never been so betrayed in my life

🌊: lolololol]

Piers briefly considers throwing the phone against the wall.

[🐲RH_HL: in all seriousness though mate my schedule is clear tomorrow

pierzzz: don’t waste your day off on me

you’re not allowed

🐲RH_HL: says who?

pierzzz: says me

🐲RH_HL: why

pierzzz: what

what kind of dumb question is that

🐲RH_HL: Give me one good reason I shouldn’t

pierzzz: w

🌊: raihans using caps what timeline r we in

championtime: And punctuation

It’s like I don’t even know him anymore

pierzzz: i don’t ws’

🌊: typo

pierzzz: i dont want to be a bother

gone from this chat for months then the first thing i do when i show up again is complain

allister: is that why you waited so long to speak

championtime: I bet it is

pierzzz: i don’t ever speak here i don’t know why i’m even in the chat still

i don’t come to any of the league functions i’ve only ever met a couple of you in person once

i’m an awful gym leader

i don’t deserve your attention

🌊: wow

ok

suddenly feels like im sitting in on smth super personal

🐲RH_HL: piers

pierzzz: i’m sorry

that was too much ill

i should go

championtime: No don’t

allister: <gif of a sad shuppet>

Melony: Oh, dear...

🐲RH_HL: stop

piers stop it

right now

pierzzz: what

🐲RH_HL: stop talking about yourself like that

pierzzz: everything i said was true

🐲RH_HL: those last two parts definitely were not

pierzzz: raihan

🐲RH_HL: listen

i

we’re still friends right?

i know i’ve said some bad things to you in the past

stuff i regret

and i know we don’t see each other much anymore

🌊: do i hear secret backstory

🐲RH_HL: but like

Melony: Nessa, shush.

allister: yeah if you point it out he might stop

championtime: Guys, cmon

🐲RH_HL: i still care about you???

if you’re in a bad spot and there’s something I can do

I wanna help you out however I can

pierzzz:

championtime: I’m shocked you’re talking this much

Usually with me you’d just pretend to drop it and then show up anyways

🐲RH_HL: Leon shut up

championtime: :P

🌊: sounds like him

allister: one time he showed up at my gym in the middle of the night without even asking

🐲RH_HL: I’m ignoring all of you

especially you Allister I genuinely don’t know what you’re going on about and that’s not a can of wormadams I want to open right now

Melony: Oh, dear.

🌊: yikes wtf

🐲RH_HL: Piers

Are you sure I can’t come over tomorrow?]

...

...Piers gives up.

[pierzzz: if you really want to

i won’t stop you

🌊: dawwwwwww

Melony: Awwww!

pierzzz: shut up all of you before I take it all back

🐲RH_HL: nessa if you ruin this im making it rain in hulbury for two weeks straight

🌊: HEY

it was Mel too

championtime: I’m glad to see you two getting along

Wish I could join you but I’m swamped

🌊: hey yea that reminds me check ur email

championtime: 3dsjkvdcjosko

pierzzz: god no

full offense I think being in the same room as both of you at once would actually kill me

allister: mr kabu says that sometimes

championtime: Does he now?..

Melony: 😅

🐲RH_HL: ill pull up a picture of leon on my phone

he’ll contribute exactly as much as the real one would have

pierzzz: sounds about right

championtime: HEY

🐲RH_HL: u know im right mate

🌊: leon ur email

pierzzz: he’s right

🌊: leon ur email

🐲RH_HL: leon ur email

championtime: stop

🐲RH_HL: leon ur email

🌊: leon ur email

pierzzz: leon ur email

championtime: TRAITOR

🌊: lolololololololol

Melony: It’s getting late, and I’m not one for Bother Leon Hour. I’m going to go to sleep now. Good night, everyone! 🛌💤

pierzzz: me 2

🌊: nooooooooo

stay up and help me spam Leon

pierzzz: would love to but

again

dying

🌊: boo

🐲RH_HL: let him sleep nessa

allister: i can help

championtime: .

I can’t get mad at you in front of melony

🐲RH_HL: Mel left

championtime: you tiny judas

🌊: leon ur email

allister: mr leon ur email

🌊: you’ve got the spirit at least

pierzzz: bye

🐲RH_HL: See u

pierzzz: yeah ok]

He turned his phone off, and stared at it for a few seconds after the screen went black.

If he didn’t know better, he’d say his headache went away a bit.

Hm.

[angstmatsuscenarios]

How about an Ichimatsu sickfic? I believe that’s within the limits of the rules. I dunno, maybe he tried to play it off as nothing, but stuff happens? I’ll just leave the rest to you. I rly like this blog and I’m excited to see the ask box open again!

Sickfic is not only welcome but also my forte, hehe. Here is some Ichi sickfic for you, hope you enjoy!

Warning for a brief mention of needles (drawing blood, very brief and non-graphic) under the cut:

At first Ichimatsu didn’t give much thought to the fatigue and sore throat he’d been suffering through all day--it had been annoying, but he figured it was probably just allergies, and had kept his face mask on the whole day. He’d felt lousy for the past couple of weeks, and figured it was nothing too bad.

By that night, though, he felt worse--he’d had no appetite at dinner, and it took nearly all of his energy to follow his brothers to the bathhouse. The soak in the hot water felt good to his aching muscles, but the walk home was excruciating, his legs trudging along slowly and his whole body shivering even though it wasn’t that cold out. When they finally got back home all he could do was crawl into the futon the second it was laid out and curl up in his spot, burying his face deep in the blankets.

“Does Ichimatsu seem okay to you?” he overheard Osomatsu ask the remaining brothers. 

“He looks rather pale, and he’s shaking…” Karamatsu noted, a hint of concern in his voice. “Perhaps he’s fallen ill?”

“Then we should force him to sleep in the other room,” Todomatsu asserted. “What if he’s contagious?”

“Have some heart for once, Todomatsu,” Choromatsu admonished him. “He’s wearing a mask, and besides, when has splitting us up ever stopped us from catching each other’s colds anyway?”

“I’m sure he’ll be okay!” Jyushimatsu said with assurance. “But he looks tired, we should let him rest.”

“Fine...but if we’re all coughing and sneezing by the next morning, don’t blame me,” Todomatsu replied curtly.

Ichimatsu would’ve chimed in with a “shut up and die, Todomatsu” had his throat not hurt so badly. Instead he hunkered down deeper in bed and closed his eyes, willing himself to fall asleep and hoping he’d feel better in the morning.

-----------

Mhhh….I feel horrible….

It was the first thought to flicker in Ichimatsu’s mind as he sluggishly came to the next morning. He felt truly miserable, it had been a long time since he’d ever felt this sick...if he had before, now that he thought of it. He was dripping in sweat and wracked with chills all at once, his throat burned more painfully than it ever had before, and he was aware of a dull ache in his side. Not to mention, he was exhausted.

He sat up, slowly, but that brought on a wave of dizziness that made him feel like laying right back down again. His temples pulsated with an awful headache, and he brought his hands up to rub his bleary eyes and will some of the wooziness to go away. It didn’t.

Dammit….guess it wasn’t just allergies after all….

He groaned, reluctantly crawling out from under the futon. He was alone in the room--he assumed his brothers had gotten up to go eat breakfast and had left him to rest. The thought of food suddenly made him feel nauseous, but as much as he wanted to just go straight back to sleep he knew he at least needed to get medicine.

He stood slowly, the room swaying and his head spinning. He shuffled on wobbly legs into the hallway, pressing his hand against the wall for support. Every step was grueling, requiring so much effort it caused sweat to bead up on his forehead. 

What...the hell...is wrong with me…?

He was close to the stairs, just a few more steps...he gingerly put one foot in front of the other, then again…

But suddenly his legs gave out on him, folding so that he hit the floor with a weak grunt. He leaned all his weight against the wall, unable to support himself, whimpering quietly as he rubbed the sore spot on his side. 

Something’s wrong...this isn’t just the flu, is it…?

“Ichimatsu-niisan!”

Ichimatsu had been so zoned out he didn’t notice Jyushimatsu thundering up the stairs until he was by his side, kneeling next to him with a worried expression on his face. 

“Are you okay? I heard a thud, did you fall?” Jyushimatsu asked, and although he wasn’t exactly shouting his voice was loud enough to Ichimatsu’s pounding head to make his ears ring.

“N-no...don’t feel good…” Ichimatsu managed to groan out a response, his throat stinging so badly it made his eyes water. 

Jyushimatsu frowned. “You look awful...look at your neck, your glands are really swollen. And you’re super pale…” 

Still rambling, Jyushimatsu helped Ichimatsu slowly back to his feet. Ichimatsu was just barely aware as his brother practically carried him back to the sextuplets’ room and tucked him back into bed. All the while he wore an anxious expression that was very unlike the sunny fifth son’s usual disposition.

“I’m gonna get Mom, okay?” Jyushimatsu said, lightly patting Ichimatsu’s head. “She’ll help you, she always knows what to do.”

Ichimatsu only managed a feeble moan in response, closing his eyes. He’d never been this miserable when sick before, and it scared him...even scarier was that he didn’t have the energy to be as scared as he probably should be. He could only hope his mother could help him, though he doubted he would be cured by her gentle touch and homemade soup.

What’s going on…?

----------

After hearing that Ichimatsu had nearly passed out, Matsuyo insisted on taking him to the doctor. He hated doctors, but he was so out-of-it that he simply put up with the poking and prodding and blood-taking without much fuss (that was a real sign of how sick he was--he didn’t put up a fight when he saw the needle, just turned his head in the other direction and kept his eyes shut tight when his blood was drawn).

Fortunately, it wasn’t long before they received a diagnosis...but unfortunately, it was more serious than anticipated. According to the doctor Ichimatsu had mononucleosis. That explained why he’d felt so run-down for the last few weeks, and also why the glands in his neck were so swollen. The doctor went on to explain that it was the reason Ichimatsu’s side hurt, too--his spleen was swollen, a fact that thoroughly freaked him out, though the doctor said as long as he was careful not to injure his spleen and cause it to rupture the swelling would most likely go down sooner rather than later (the word “rupture” only induced more panic).  

There wasn’t much that could be done to treat mono, either--the most vital thing was rest. It could take weeks, even months, for someone to recover completely from mono, Ichimatsu discovered, and while it didn’t affect him too much since he had no job or school to worry about...the idea of being sick for so long was scary. He couldn’t imagine going more than a few days feeling this crappy, but weeks? Months?! Not to mention, it meant staying home and resting that whole time...he wasn’t much for leaving the house to begin with, but not be able to visit his cat friends in the alley, or join his brothers when they went to Chibita’s? He hated the thought of being excluded from all of that for who knew how long.

The doctor tried to be reassuring, insisting it was possible to have a speedier recovery as long as he took good care of himself, but all Ichimatsu felt was dread. It was awful news, he couldn’t even pretend there was a bright side to it. 

When Ichimatsu got home from the doctor, he’d found his brothers had set up a temporary room for him in the spare room. It wasn’t just that his mono was potentially contagious, but they insisted it would be easier for him to recuperate if he had peace and quiet while he rested. He wanted to call bull on that last claim, but was so tired that he just crawled right into his futon in his “new” room and went right to sleep without protest.

Days passed by. It wasn’t long before Ichimatsu started to feel bored and lonely. He felt marginally better than he had the first couple of days, but he was still nowhere near well, and the thought was depressing to him that he’d have a long time of feeling this way.  

He spent most of his time sleeping. He didn’t have the energy for much else. Sometimes his mother popped in to give him food (which he hardly ate—his throat hurt too much and his appetite was pretty much nonexistent), and other times one of his brothers would pay a quick visit (wearing a mask, not surprisingly). It was nice, but not the same as being with them like usual, and once they left he felt sad again. 

Gradually, though, Jyushimatsu began spending more and more time with him. He’d sit at Ichimatsu’s bedside for hours, playing a game or reading a manga or sorting his baseball cards—activities he didn’t always possess much patience for, being as active as he was. He made light conversation with Ichimatsu, though kept it to a minimum, knowing Ichimatsu wasn’t much for talking. It was the quietest and most still Jyushimatsu had ever been.

Ichimatsu was grateful for the company, but he felt guilty as well. Surely this wasn’t what Jyushimatsu felt like doing—this had to be cutting into his baseball time, which he treasured. Ichimatsu didn’t want both of them to be trapped inside all the time, not when Jyushimatsu was well and could do whatever he wanted.

“Jyushi,” Ichimatsu spoke up one afternoon, his voice rusty. Jyushimatsu had been poring over a baseball book, but perked up at the sound of Ichimatsu’s voice. “You don’t have to stay with me all the time...you can go outside and play baseball or whatever you want. I feel bad if you’re staying in all the time because of me.”

Jyushimatsu offered a bright smile. “But, Ichimatsu-niisan, I am doing what I want!” he insisted, crawling closer to his brother. “It must suck being sick in bed for so long. I wouldn’t want to be alone all the time if it were me. Besides, I have my most fun when I’m with you—even if you can’t do much now, I like being with you. And baseball isn’t the same without you there, either.”

“Really…?” Ichimatsu wasn’t so sure about that. How much fun could he be?

“Really!” Jyushimatsu nodded enthusiastically. “You’re my best friend, I’ll always stay by your side! And it won’t be like this forever either, sooner or later you’ll recover and we can get right back to playing! So just keep your chin up, okay, Niisan?”

Ichimatsu blinked, just a little surprised...not to mention touched. Jyushimatsu really did just want to spend time with him, even if that time consisted of doing nothing more than hanging out in the same room together while he slept. Jyushimatsu really was his best friend, and even though he still felt terrible that realization made him feel just a little better.

“Thank you, Jyushi...I’ll try.”

“You’ll be back to yourself in no time!” Jyushimatsu enthused with a grin that made Ichimatsu believe it. “Anyway, why don’t I read to you from my book until you fall asleep?”

“I’d like that. Thanks.”

With that, Jyushimatsu settled down right beside Ichimatsu and started reading, angling the book so they could both see inside. Ichimatsu wasn’t particularly interested in baseball facts and stats, but it was comforting being read to, and Jyushimatsu’s surprisingly soft voice soon lulled him into sleep.

It would take time for him to get better, but with Jyushimatsu by his side, maybe the road to recovery wouldn’t be as awful as it seemed.

[ebelwrites]

Heya, it’s been a while. Sorry for the long break; things have been kinda crazy in my world for a while. I got my computer back up and running with nothing lost, but it’s just been one thing after another in my world right now and finding the motivation to write has been hard. I’m going to try and force myself to make time for writing because I have really missed it. I’ve got a trade and a bad sans poly story in the works, but for now, here’s something that I wrote a while back and rediscovered in my documents.

A human Dreamswap story, with trans!Nightmare and a more queer platonic relationship between Dream and Nightmare. Just some cute stuff and focusing on Dream and Nightmare’s bond. Hope you all like it, and I will hopefully get back into the grove of things in short order!

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dream could not keep the smile off his face as he entered the recovery room. That expression was mirrored on every face he saw, especially on the one in the bed. Cross and Error each sat on either side of the hospital bed, hovering near their datemate should he need anything. Further to the side were Finch and Ink, close enough to be supportive but far enough away that they didn’t crowd. And the brightest smile in the room was on Nightmare. His old friend was resting in the hospital bed, the top end raised so that he could sit up and interact with everyone. He looked tired and a bit pained, but he was happy, and that was enough to make Dream smile as well. 

“Dream!” Nightmare exclaimed when he saw him, wiggling in excitement. He looked like he wanted to wave his arms around, but Dream knew from his research that wouldn’t be a good idea. “You’re here!” 

“Of course I am.” Dream moved closer, intentionally going onto Error’s side and taking Nightmare’s hand. “How are you feeling?”

“A bit sore,” Nightmare admitted, “but good. Like a weight’s been taken off.” Dream lightly squeezed Nightmare’s hand, getting a squeeze in return. “They’re also giving me the good stuff. I like these pain meds.” One of Error’s hands found its way onto Dream’s shoulder, and gave the winged man a comforting and supportive look. Dream was about to say something when one of the doctors entered the room.

“Well, it looks like you’re good to go, young man,” she said, checking things off her clipboard as she spoke. “Everything looks fine; you can continue your recovery at home.” There is a round of cheers throughout the room, good will surging through everyone.

“Doctor?” Dream queried once the noise had died down. “What things should he, and the rest of us, be careful of during recovery? What time period are we looking at?”

“About two weeks recovery, all up.” The doctor responded, flipping some pages. “At one week, he will need to come in for a check up, so that we can remove his compression bindings and see how he’s healing. He should not remove the bindings before then, which means no showering until after that appointment.” There was a bit of choked, nervous laughter from Error and Cross at that; the doctor continued on as though she didn’t hear them. “Other than that, no strenuous activity; nothing that is going to put stress on his body, especially his upper torso and arms. He should not be lifting his arms up during his recovery and he shouldn’t be doing any heavy lifting.” She looked over the top of her clipboard to Nightmare. 

“You will most likely feel sore and sensitive for some weeks, even after we give you the all clear. Over the counter pain medications should be taken as needed, and use ice packs to reduce any swelling. One thing you should know; swelling can last as little as two weeks, but could also last as long as four to six months. Do not worry if you are on the longer end of that spectrum; it will subside eventually.” With that, she finally put down her clipboard and gave Nightmare a smile. “And I believe that is everything. All you need to do now is sign the release papers, and you will be on your way!” Nightmare gave another cheer, and Cross immediately moved to help Nightmare stand up. 

“Let’s get you home, Love.” He said as he helped to support Nightmare’s weight, arm around Nightmare’s waist for support. Finch and Ink gave a wave from where they were standing by the door.

“We’ll come check in you later, ‘kay?” Ink said, flashing a grin and a wave before ducking out the door. Finch gave him an unamused look as he disappeared, before turning back to Nightmare.

“Take it easy. We will visit you after we finish work for today.” Finch at least waits until Nightmare gives him a cheery, ‘Bye bye!’, before leaving. Dream watched all of this, happy that his old friend has managed to develop such a support network, before he stood and moved over to Nightmare. Cross almost seemed like he was about to do the usual posturing routine he does whenever he interacts with Dream, but refrained from doing so while holding Nightmare. Which was good; Dream didn’t feel like battling the old grudge of his friend’s datemate at the moment. Right now, Dream’s entire focus was on Nightmare.

“Ready to head home?” Nightmare flashed a giant grin to Dream’s small smile, but neither were any less sincere than the other. 

“Yep!” Dream briefly wondered when was the last time Nightmare had sounded so cheery; it had been a while. “But can we stop and get burgers or something before we head back to the apartment? I’m starving!” There was a smattering of laughter from all four of them as they led Nightmare out the doors of his recovery room. 

“You can have whatever you want,” Error said, sliding into the open side of Nightmare and taking the other’s hand. “We’ll make a stop.” Dream couldn’t help the fond smile on his face as he watched the three of them walk together, Cross and Error on either side and ready to support Nightmare should he need the help. Despite his reservations about one of them, he had to admit that they were both dearly devoted to Nightmare. It eased his worries about the future; Nightmare would be fine, with all of them standing beside him.

Yes, Dream thought to himself as he signed off on the release paperwork, Nightmare would be just fine.

~~~~~~~~~

It was late at night, a few days after Nightmare’s surgery. Dream was returning to his rooms, after having stayed up until past midnight to finish up on some paperwork. He was quietly making his way through the halls, doing his best to make sure he didn’t wake any of the sleeping occupants, when he noticed a faint light and muffled sounds coming from underneath the door leading to Nightmare/Error/Cross’ common room. He paused outside the door for a moment, listening carefully. It sounded like the tv was on, which aligned with the faint light that didn’t seem to be from a lamp or ceiling light, as well as what sounded like static. 

Strangely, he couldn’t hear anything else, no talking or conversation between the datemates. He supposed they must have all fallen asleep watching a show or something. He debated with himself for a moment, before ultimately deciding to go in and turn off the tv. He didn’t want the noise and light to eventually wake up the sleeping trio, and also it would be better if he could avoid power wastage. When he opened the door, however, he didn’t see the three bodies he expected. Instead, he saw only one, and that one was wide awake. Nightmare stared back at him from his position on the couch. The other was lying down, ice pack clutched to his chest, and he looked remarkably tired.

“Nightmare?” He asked softly, not knowing where Error or Cross were and not wanting to wake them if they were sleeping. “What are you doing up so late?” 

“Sore,” Nightmare croaked out. “Couldn’t sleep, and I didn’t want to wake my datemates up.” Dream nodded, before stepping into the room and quietly closing the door.

“Do you want some company?” Nightmare’s eyes gave Dream his answer without having to say anything. Dream gave a smile, making a quick turn to grab another ice pack and a tub of ice cream from the freezer, alongside two spoons, before making his way to the couch and sitting near Nightmare’s head. “Here, take this one,” he helped Nightmare swap the old ice pack for the new one, “I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s melted by now.” Nightmare let out a moan as the cold hit his sore chest, relaxing into the numbing chill.

“You are a saint,” Nightmare whispers, resting his head on Dream’s thigh and digging out a scoop of ice cream. Dream gave a tender smile and ran his hand through Nightmare’s hair before turning his attention to the tv screen.

“So, what are we watching?” Nightmare gave a shrug against his leg.

“Whatever was first on when I hit the power button.” Dream rolled his eyes a little at that before grabbing the remote and flicking through the channels. He eventually stopped on the nature channel, figuring it would be entertaining enough without being so entertaining that Nightmare wouldn’t ever get to sleep. The black-haired male let out a few grumbles at his choice, but comforted himself with ice cream. 

Much to Dream’s hypothesis and satisfaction, it only took a few episodes before Nightmare drifted off to sleep, sticking ice cream surrounding his mouth and faintly snoring. Dream huffed a laugh before cleaning up Nightmare’s face and grabbing the afghan off the end of the couch, covering Nightmare with the blanket. He fished out the remote once more, killing the tv. His hand had not stopped running gently through Nightmare’s hair and Dream couldn’t help the smile that crossed his face as he looked down at his old friend.

“Sleep well, Nightmare,” he said softly, feeling his own exhaustion begin to settle in his bones. “May you have pleasant dreams this time.” It took only a few minutes more for Dream himself to drop off into sleep. 

Both boys slept well into the next morning, still cuddled to each other when they woke.

~~~~~~~

“Dream!” Nightmare burst into his office, whining dramatically. “Dream! My datemates are being mean to me!” 

“Uh huh,” Dream said, not even looking up from his paperwork and paying on the bare minimum of attention. Nightmare being dramatic wasn’t anything new in his life.

“They kicked me out of the shared bed!”

“Did they, now?” Dream signed off on another form, his voice devoid of any emotion.

“They said I stink!”

“You do.” Nightmare let out a dramatic gasp of betrayal and Dream couldn’t help but roll his eyes. “Nightmare, it has been six days since you last bathed. I understand that these are your doctor’s orders but, at the same time, you reek. We will all be grateful once you get the sign off tomorrow; and the first thing you do after getting that sign off better be going and taking a freaking shower!” Nightmare pouted at him, and Dream let out a sigh in response.

“You think I like this?” Nightmare’s voice was distinctly whiny and Dream could already feel a headache coming on. “I’ve been wearing the same bandages for six days! I can feel the grime on me! It’s disgusting!” 

“It is only for one more day,” Dream sighed out. “Just one more day; then you can take a nice, long scrub, and cuddle with your datemates, and everyone will be happy again. But until that time,” Dream waved his hand in front of his nose, face curling up slightly, “do you mind?” Nightmare’s jaw almost hit the floor. He stared in disbelief and indignation for a minute or two, before spinning around and marching out the door.

“Ink!” He screamed, slamming the office door behind him. Dream managed to contain his laughter until he was certain that Nightmare was out of hearing range, then it tumbled out of him without restraint. 

Oh, Nightmare could be just as dramatic as he remembered. He was rather glad that hadn’t changed in all these years.

~~~~~~~~

“Well,” the doctor said, looking up from their examination notes. “It appears that I can give you the all clear!” Nightmare let out a ‘Woot!’ and bounced in his chair, until the doctor gave him a stern look and he settled down. “You still have to take it easy. No running, no heavy lifting, no raising your arms above chest level; at least for another week or so. Nothing that’s going to prevent your body from healing itself. But you can finally rid yourself of the compression binder and lift the restriction on showers and baths.”

“Thank the stars above,” Error not-so-subtly whispered behind them. Nightmare spun his head around to give a glare in Error’s direction, but it didn’t last long before a giant grin spread across his face. 

“You know what that means?” Nightmare bounced to his feet and, in a split second, his hoodie was off and in the air. “I’m officially shirtless, baby!” 

“Nightmare! Put your clothes back on!” Dream immediately got to his feet and snatched the hoodie out of the air, but it was too late to grab Nightmare as well. He just danced around the room, always out of Dream’s reach, chanting ‘no shirt, no shirt’. 

“No shirt!” Just when Dream didn’t think it could get any worse, Ink was on his feet and without the top part of his clothes as well. Dream wasn’t sure how Ink had managed to strip his many layers in such a short time, but he had, and was now joining Nightmare in his dancing and chanting. At least Finch had the good sense to not join in; merely hiding his face underneath his hat. 

“Well,” the doctor capped her pen and stood up with hardly any sense of urgency. “I think I’ll leave you to handle this.” And then she was out the door before Dream could say anything. Within mere moments of her leaving, Error, Cross, and Finch all sped out the door to join her.

“Wait! Don’t leave me!” Dream tried to get them to stop, but they didn’t even look at him and it was too late. He was the only one left to try and get Ink and Nightmare to put their shirts back on. 

It would take quite some time for Dream to grab hold of the two of them and be able to wrestle them back into their shirts; or in Ink’s case, the tattered remains of his shirt. But even when he managed it, the two of them did not stop smiling. And honestly, Dream couldn’t stop smiling either. 

For as many headaches as Nightmare gave him, it was good to see him finally enjoying and feeling comfortable in his own body. Dream hoped he’d get to continue seeing it a lot more in the future.

[padalickingood]

-NEED HELP MOVING OUT-

Hi everyone! This one’s gonna be a long one but I hope I can implore you all to take a quick minute of your time to read this and hopefully share it with others TvT. I’ve really been taking my time procrastinating from writing this because I never liked talking much about my own personal situation and dumping that on people, but I’ve unfortunately reached a point where I'm a bit desperate for any kind of help If I am going to try and make this happen.  

Recently I’ve started a serious goal of saving up enough money in order to move out by early next summer. I have attempted to make plans to move from my family home many times in the past couple of years and unfortunately have never managed to get anywhere near to achieving that goal due to my financial situation. Things have gotten increasingly stressful and emotionally exhausting in my current situation and I’ve officially hit that point where I’m willing to ask for assistance online.  

As a freelance artist, even with my Etsy, Patreon, ko-fi, and commission work combined I barely manage to make enough for basic living essentials which doesn’t include any sort of insurance or homeowner/apt owner expenses. Currently I do my very best to pay for as much as I can on my own and even so I still require support from my parents by them allowing me to live with them and them providing internet etc. What I pay for out of pocket is limited to things I need personally such as food, clothes, basic living supplies, art/store supplies etc. I’ve also recently limited myself from buying anything that is not completely necessary for essential living like eating out, movies, buying gifts over a certain price limit for friends, as well as canceling any travel plans from here on out. 

At this point I feel like It’s important for me to explain why I am a freelance artist as opposed to having any other type of job that could potentially be easier and pay better. This may be a bit of a tl;dr but I feel like it should at least be mentioned because the impact it’s had. Several years ago (I wanna say 2013 ish?) I dropped out of my community college because of essentially having a breakdown. The entire experience had left such a negative impact on me that my mood had very noticeably 180’d from high school to 2nd year of college. It was probably the closest I've come to being any level of depressed, which is not a word I throw around lightly as it’s something I don’t think I've felt anywhere near the level of those who struggle with it. Overall those years were so incredibly demoralizing and difficult for me that I made the tough decision of leaving school, something I had never even considered doing in my past (I never even skipped class in high school up until last day of senior year lol). Deciding to leave when I did though was probably the right decision because to this day, I still feel the lasting negative effects those years had on me. After I left school, I picked up a retail job and worked there for about a year and half. It wasn’t something I was really eager to do but was necessary as I wasn’t going to school anymore. With no degree though a minimum wage job was my only real option. Unfortunately, my experiences working weren’t all that positive either (as something I'm sure many of you also experience). I struggled to maintain motivation and continued to feel incredibly negative. It got so bad that it effected my relationships with family and friends as it kept me in a very antisocial mood. I ended up quitting that job shortly after and decided to try and go full freelance. Ever Since then I've worked on building up my store, commissions and anything else I could to try and make money from my art. To this day I still struggle with building up my online presence to the point where I can make a living off of it, but one thing that drastically changed for the better was my mood. My mental health has always been an absolute priority for me and I make a conscious effort to never force myself into anything that I know will have a negative impact on my health, which is why I dropped out of college and quit that job. I knew that if I stayed there it would have absolutely gotten so bad that It would have left much deeper scars than it has. And Although working in Freelance is no easy task and comes with its own degrees of stress, I find it far more rewarding and worth managing that stress. 

But as a result of those years I’ve been afraid of going back to either school or a minimum wage job. I know if I return to a job like that it will pull me back into a mental space that I'm just not willing to sacrifice myself to, and as far as College goes, I simply can’t afford it. However, with deciding to become a freelance artist I've dedicated my time to trying to build myself back up with my art and create a presence online where I can simultaneously do what I know makes me happy while also earning a living off of it. My progress has been slow and over the years I've felt like I've hit a standstill which brings me to my overall goal of wanting to move out. As I mentioned before I had been making attempts to move since around the time I worked in retail. Things haven’t panned out since then as I am still struggling to try and build up my store/Patreon/overall customer basis online. Unfortunately, also within these past few years tensions have been at a pretty constant high in my household because of it. There’s an added weight of still being so reliant on my parents after all these years and it being used against me, that the stress I’ve accumulated from it has kept me from being as productive as I would like. Recently with some current events I’ve just about hit a breaking point and am willing to do anything I can in order to save up so I can officially move out. I’m incredibly tired emotionally from still being here and I’ve started to take serious steps to making this move happen. Luckily I’ve been able to find a friend I can move out with so I won’t be paying rent on my own and I’ve calculated how much I could potentially make a month if I stick to a packed workload schedule. It’s not ideal but I’ve committed to this freelance work and I’m willing to work as hard as I can to reach my goal, and if all goes well then by this time next year i’ll be able to move out.

In writing this I hope that I can ask for support in helping me raise enough so I can try and move out of an unhealthy situation into hopefully something better.  

And to be clear I'm not doing a kickstarter or gofund me. That’s just simply not something this warrants. I know have options and I know that all I need to do is to work much much harder than someone with a 9to5 in order to earn what I need. The only reason I decided to write this out is to share WHY your support is so incredibly important to me and why sharing my work to anyone you can is very essential to my livelihood. Right now, I am very far away from earning nearly enough on a monthly basis in order to move out within a year, but I'm hoping that can change for the better. I simply ask for those who support my work to continue to do so and for those who haven’t and are absolutely financially able to consider supporting my work and share it with anyone you know. Whether it’s commissions, store merch, Patreon rewards, ko-fi etc. Every tiny bit helps me so much!  

---------------------------- 

Here are the ways you can support me!

✪ Patreon: With the cheapest tier being 2$ a month you guys can get early access to all of my artwork a month in advance as well as other bonus content at the 2$ and above tier that is exclusive to patrons only. I have details about my rewards and goals on my Patreon that you don’t have to pay to view! Simply visit my homepage and browse through the rewards and bio to see if it interests you! 

✪ Ko-fi: I recently added a moving goal fund there which will show its progress with each kofi donation! The goal is ambitions and I don’t really expect to reach it but I wanted to just aim high and try and earn as much as I can. Also, I do sketch commissions there occasionally and may do other types of small commissions. So, if you’d like to support me while also getting something for yourself keep an eye out for my announcements on my twitter! 

✪ Commissions/adoptables: I’m going to officially be opening up my commissions soon but before that I wanted to try my hand at selling some adoptables! I’ll have more information about them after I finish up my current batch of commissions but I'm going to try and stick to those for now with some small YCH commissions sprinkled in between. After those though I’ll be opening up regular commissions again ^^ 

✪ Etsy:  I’m actually not sure If I'm going to keep my store up for much longer since I get charged a fee on each listing but before it closes you could help support me by buying merch from my store! 

-------------------------- 

And lastly, I want to thank everyone who took the time to read through this and for those who follow me/support me in any way that you can. Even your reblogs/retweets on my work mean so much to me and help me so much I could never fully express how much I’m thankful to have such an amazing and lovely following of people <3 Thank you for your time

[dasfuzzy]

This thing still exists...?

So...I guess I'll start off by saying that the main reason for this post is because I got the Tumblr app a while back and have periodically gotten the notification that someone has liked my blog (hello, by the way), so this is twofold:

1) Give an update because, y'know, I haven't touched this thing in a long time, so there's a lot to update, and

2) Find out who's been liking my blog and why. So I guess comment, message, note, or whatever the hell people do here and let me know what got you interested in my ramblings.

I guess the three main things I would discuss here were my job, my love life, and my situation in general, so those'll be the primary focus for now. I guess I'll start with my love life just to get that out of the way as it's typically the focal point and most salacious content here (and possibly the most interesting to y'all).

Well, I'm gonna tell you right off the bat that things have changed drastically since I last was here. I will say that if you're expecting me to tell all, you're gonna be disappointed. I know in the past I never really held back on my feelings and about dishing out the truth, but this is a different situation than any in the past. All I'll really say is that since August of 2017 I've been in a committed relationship with someone that I truly love and can see myself being with for the rest of my days. Our relationship hasn't been all sunshine and rainbows, however, mostly due to nagging injuries and surgeries stemming from a work-related injury on her part (she used to be a physical therapy assistant), but I've done everything in my power to accommodate her and make things work. It hasn't been easy and it's taken it's toll on me, but at the end of the day I try to remain optimistic that things will get better with time.

Regarding my job...er, jobs, I've bounced around a bit since I was last here. I think I was still at Dave & Busters, but I was able to leave there to become a preschool/toddler teacher at a highly-accredited daycare center called Bright Horizons. It wasn't the easiest job and with me being who I am (profane and a fan of mature content, a la Game of Thrones, Walking Dead and wrestling) I felt like I was walking on eggshells at times, especially because the director was a bit of a prude, but I really enjoyed it. I was one of only two male teachers in a facility of approximately 30 teachers, so the kids really enjoyed the change of pace. I learned a lot being there, especially since I only had a few early education courses under my belt beforehand and I had some great mentors guiding me along.

Unfortunately, I made the decision to leave after 18 months for a couple of reasons:

1) The landlady finally sold the house, so my mom and I had to move (more on that later), and

2) There was an incident where I might've let slip a bit of profanity on the job. Basically it was nap time and most of the children were sleeping. I was in one of the preschool rooms at the time and at that age, some children just don't want to sleep, so we have to either try to soothe them or at least do what we can to keep them quiet so they don't wake the other children up. So I'm with another, younger teacher sitting with the non-sleepers, one of which was on the autistic spectrum and had an action plan in place that inform us of what we can and cannot do in certain situations that normally wouldn't apply to other children. Anyways, that particular child was not having any of nap/quiet time and decided to start walking around the room. In my frustration, I might've uttered under my breath "what the fuck". A few days later, I get a call from the director and she asks me if I used any profanity while in the classroom. I tell her that I don't recall doing so; she tells me that another teacher informed her that I had and she would need me to type up a formal statement of what I recall from that particular event. I stuck to my guns and said that I honestly don't recall doing so and, after submitting that to her, I was put on an indefinite administrative leave. As much as I loved that job, I took that as a sign that maybe it was time to find another job, something that pays better because I knew I was going to be moving within the next few months.

On the first day of my "leave", I asked friends if they knew of any good-paying jobs that had openings. I was only making $12.40/hr, which is only $.40 over minimum wage, so I was definitely open to suggestions. My best friend told me to apply to where he worked, Fitzgerald Tile, because they were looking for warehouse workers. He said they could start me at $18, so I leapt at the opportunity. I went down that Monday and met the warehouse supervisor to have an interview. I'll give you an almost word-for-word retelling of how that interview went:

Him: "Do you know how to drive a forklift?"

Me: "Yeah."

Him: "Great, you're hired."

Me: "Oh...okay."

Okay, that might be stretching it a bit, but that was more or less how it went. Really, he outlined some of the basic duties, asked if I was able to lift up to 50lbs unassisted, know that I'm expected to work 50 hours a week, then had me fill out the application, mostly for the sake of having it on file. He told me that I would just have to meet with the HR person to finalize the paperwork and discuss pay and my schedule, then I'd be good to go. Here's the thing: I never got to talk to the HR person. Ever. I was waiting for over an hour then told that we could do it another time, so I just went home. I should've noticed how sketchy the whole thing was. I should've picked up on all the red flags, but I didn't. So I go home, call my boss, and tell her that I'm giving my two weeks notice. She obliges and I ask if I could come visit down the road. She says that it would be in the best interest of the children that I stay away so they don't get the wrong idea. Basically I haven't been back there besides one time when I stopped by after hours to catch up with my favorite colleague and mentor, Jen.

Anywho, here I am on November 19th at the asscrack of dawn starting at the tile warehouse. I meet with the warehouse supervisor (I don't fucking remember his name; he's honestly not worth remembering) and he asks if I know how to drive a forklift. Uh...we talked about that when you hired me, but anyways, I say yes. "Great. Hop on, drive around a bit, get a feel for it, then get to work." Um...I dunno about those guys, but when I was at Lowe's where I learned to drive a forklift, we had to be licensed to operate one. Not to mention if they bothered to do a background check, they'd learn that I was fired from there for getting into an accident on a forklift and causing damage to a bay door. But I do as they say; I grab an order sheet ("grab the biggest ones first", they tell me) and get to it. Basically the way they run things is they put the sheets out on a table, everyone grabs one, gathers everything up on a pallet, then drop it in the outgoing delivery area, then do it all again until every order has been filled. I should also mention that I started right as they were moving warehouses to North Reading, so after the orders were pulled, we had to get other pallets ready to ship to the new place. Remember how I said I was never able to talk to the HR person? Well, I was never given a schedule because of that, so I guess it was understood that I would come in at 7 in the morning and work until everyone was done, which typically wasn't until 8 or 9 at night. I adhered to that mindset for maybe a week and a half; after that, I started sneaking out after at least doing my 8 hours a day. One day the supervisor caught me and said that I can't do that again. I didn't give a fuck. Another day he tells me that I'm not working fast enough and need to step it up. Maybe if someone took the time to train me on the other lift that was smaller and had forks that extended, I'd be able to be more efficient, but no; the only machines I could use were the huge lifts that are barely able to maneuver in the narrow fucking aisles and the order picker, which is basically a standing lift with a small tray-sized platform that you could place stuff on and lower it back down. That thing was kinda fun because it had controlls that kinda felt like piloting a mech and it was fast as hell.

Fast forward a few days and a few hours into my shift the supervisor tells me that I'm being let go and he hands me my last check and a pamphlet for unemployment benefits. No reasoning, just that I'm gone. Probably because I was "working too slow" and would leave when I felt like it, but I could give two shits; they never cared about me and I was tired of working under those unreasonable conditions. I manage keep my composure and start heading out, telling the few friends that I made there that I was fired; they wished me well and said I'd move onto something better. No shit. Once I get to my car, I burst out crying, trying to comprehend the gravity of my situation. I text my girlfriend and she asks if I want to come over to her house; I do partly because I needed the emotional support and partly because she was only 5 minutes away and my drive home would've been about 30 minutes. Honestly, I probably could've reported them to OSHA since they were in violation of god knows how many rules and regulations (hell, during the first week at the new warehouse, someone managed to destroy an entire bay: 3 shelves with 4 pallets each, totalling I believe over $6000 worth of product), but I just wanted to wash my hands of that place entirely. Since it was mid December, I decided to just take time to enjoy the holidays before looking for a new job, especially since I had made enough money there to keep myself afloat for about a month.

So, regarding the move, mom and I spent the last few years looking for places nearby for when the time came, but a lot of places were either in undesirable towns, were too expensive (this is Massachusetts; rent prices suck balls), or didn't meet our needs/standards. Ideally we were aiming to find a small house or even duplex to move into since we'd been in a 2-story, 3-bedroom house since January 2001, but we ended up settling for a 2-bedroom apartment in a small complex in Reading. It's been a bit of an adjustment for many reasons, but we've made it work. One of the biggest annoyances is that we don't have any laundry machines in our unit or even our building, so if we have to wash our clothes, we need to bring our stuff to one of the neighboring buildings that has a credit card-opperated laundry room with seven washers and 8 dryers. Kinda obnoxious to have to go through all that trouble and pay to do it, but condidering heat, hot water, and facility maintenance and snow removal are all covered in our rent (which is $1750/month), it's a small price to pay, I suppose.

Once we got all settled into the new place, I started job hunting again. For years I've wanted to do something technical, like be a plumber or maintenance engineer, but it's nigh impossible to find entry-level jobs like that. I somehow managed to find a job posting on Craigslist for a preventative maintenance engineer at a hotel in my old hometown of Woburn (ironically it's across from my old Dave & Busters), put in an application, and about a week later I had the job. Basically what I do is go through the guestrooms and make sure everything is in working order and is clean. I do about 2 rooms a day, repairing things as needed, be it electrical, plumbing, painting, or whatever else. I started back in early February of this year and in April the chief engineer was unceremoniously fired, leaving me as the sole engineer at the hotel. We had outside help come in periodically, but generally speaking I was the one keeping the place together until we hired a new chief this past October. I had to learn how to take care of an outdoor pool and how to take readings on it daily. I had to represent my hotel at engineer trainings normally meant for chiefs. Hell, I was very close to being promoted to chief myself until they found the new guy. But my efforts weren't in vain: our scores from our guest surveys for maintenance and upkeep were always above expectations and everyone at the hotel appreciate and respect what I do there. They raised my pay as high as they could go because of the amount of work I was putting in. My boss even got me two $75 tickets to a Ring of Honor show since he was a wrestling fan like myself. I think it's safe to say that I definitely bounced back from Fitzgerald.

I guess that about wraps things up. It's currently two weeks until Christmas, so I've got that to look forward to. I'd apologize for the lengthy rant, but I think that's par for the course on my blog. Again, if you're new (or even if you're not), feel free to leave a comment, note, message, or whatever and let me know what brought you to my blog or if there's any questions, comments, or suggestions for things that I could discuss. I figure I've been away from this thing for a long time, why not be a bit more active. Anyways, that's all I got for now. Hope y'all are well; take care of yourself!

[turkingermany]

Chapter 1. Introduction

So let's begin this, shall we?

It wasn't a very sudden decision that I made and thought I wanted to put what's in my mind out there for everyone to see. It took a long amount of time for me to finally decide. I don't want to speak for everyone, as I believe everyone's experiences are different. We all tell our own stories from our own perspectives. And this is mine.

I'm an eighteen year old girl, fresh out of high school, I went to university for a full semester and decided it wasn't for me; so then I decided to quit school and take a gap year abroad. I wasn't happy with my major nor the place I live in. Life standarts aren't great in Turkey, neither the social norms, and expectations from people my age was something that I could never fit into. I always had one foot out the door, ready to leave. Had to live with an abusive family for eighteen years, started working for a dollar an hour at sixteen years old where I would get so tired I couldn't find enough energy to focus on high school. My job wasn't the only reason however, since living with my family was emotionally draining, and life standarts were cruel. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was seventeen years old.

Therapy prices are ridicilously high all around the world. But especially in a country where inflation is higher than 10%, imports everything since has no power of production on its own and everything is six times more expensive than it should be. Therapy was hard to afford. I went for a year and had to quit when I wasn't ready to.

I think the good things in Turkey personally for me were: the fact that it's a progressing country, the religious pressure wasn't as harsh as other middle eastern countries (however, finding comfort in comparing yourself to a worse situation isn't the solution) and that I was surrounded by a lot of great people that has the same mindset as me, and of course, my cats.

When I say a progressing country, I don't mean it's done in a smooth way. If you're different here, you need to pay for it, sometimes with your life. Everyday there are news of trans people being bullied until they can't take it anymore and decide to end their own lives, or actually be killed. A university student recently ended her life due to extreme hardship of living conditions. Istanbul University raised food prices in cafeterias by 500%. If you work with minimum wage, you can afford an Iphone 11 if you save up every penny from your salary and starve for three months. (You can buy it with one month's salary in Germany and still have money left) There's rise of interest every year, for at least ten times. The poverty threshold for a family in Turkey is 6,543 liras ($1,232) whereas minimum wage is 2,324 liras ($394) after taxes. A family who can barely afford food and shelter has to pay a big amount of money to government each year, when government is the one that should to the supporting these people.

In Turkey you don't live as an individual, you live for the state. It is slavery and exploitation of your own people, where you as the president, live in an actual palace with at least 1,100 rooms and an official price tag of $615 million. And people take their own lives because they can't see a future in Turkey.

I am one of those people. I lived close to the president's palace, and I had to see it every time I took the bus to school. I immediately felt my insides filling up with extreme anger and desperation. I haven't read the news for a long time simply because it makes me extremely depressed to do so. But we all have to be political, sensitive and direct towards these problems. We must demand that our needs are met otherwise we will refuse to live the way ignorant people chose for us by voting.

I can't turn the other cheek to my homelands problems and ignore millions of lives there that barely have a good future just because I managed to get out of there. If you stay silent, you'll make room for those with stupid opinions to be louder and have more power. I hope this blog, if anyone ever reads it, will help enlighten people about struggles minorities go through both in their own still progressing countries and abroad. We ask for you to accept us simply because we deserve to be accepted. Many minorities work hard for their whole lives to make a better future in countries that has better life standarts, and they face racism from people that were just born there and didn't have to move a single finger to have the same conditions (and they're automatically accepted into society). We ask for you to not dehumanize us and not treat us as subhuman creatures when we ask for visa in embassies.

We just want to live. And we hope you let us do so.

That's why I want to bring my own perspective to the world and maybe help people understand better. I live in a small catholic town in Germany, where I earn way less than minimum wage. Every day is a challenge, I miss my hometown, I face cultural shock and racism. It's like, where ever we go we aren't allowed to feel okay with just, existing.

[m-is-for-mungo]

So, I think it's time.

Personal time, scroll past if you aren't interested. I wish I could say I made any of this up.

TW: emotional, verbal, and sexual abuse, homelessness, depression, incest, dog death

Some of y'all may remember that I moved to Montana and basically kept the blog updated with my journey. Some of my mutuals know why I moved. But I'm ready to talk about it.

I moved to Pennsylvania in 2016 to live with my then fiance. I was pressured into moving much sooner than I wanted, to a place me and him had never discussed prior to his dad getting him a state job in Mansfield, Pennsylvania. I had to drop out of college, I left all my friends and family. I gave up musical theatre, and missed out on a big part that had my name on it because my fiance and his mother had been badgering me and pressuring me to move early.

So I did.

One memory that is burned into my mind is my mom standing in my grandmother's kitchen asking me one last time if I was sure I wanted to do this, and that it wasn't too late for us to just drive back home. I wish I had gone home.

But I drove alone to an apartment I had never seen before. While I was in those four walls, I was subjected to verbal abuse, emotional abuse and neglect, the deepest bout of depression I had ever had and am still recovering from, and that was just from my fiance. That doesn't include the abuse from his mother, the constant "You aren't good enough for my son," "when are you giving us grandchildren, we were your age when we had [ex-fiance]." I was 22. He was 24. We were barely making it with us two and a dog, and they expected me to get pregnant and have a grandchild for them.

This went on for a year, in person. We had been on the bad end of the relationship before I ever moved but I thought it would fix things. I threatened to leave multiple times, but how could I leave with not enough money to get home, care for my dog on the trip, fuck myself I could make it but I was worried for her. So I stayed.

I stayed even though I was being abused. Emotionally, verbally, and sexually. I overheard him every night on the PS4 talking to his friends how much of a cunt I was, if sex hurt, it wasn't his problem, how I don't do anything for him.

I cooked, I cleaned, I took care of him. I wasn't his partner, i was his second mother.

A year and some change in, I finally had it. I sat him down and I gave him his ring back and I told him I could no longer be with him. I would start working and save up money and get out, but until then, he had to work with me and be a roommate and just make the best of it.

A month later, he lost his job and began to pull unemployment. He would stay up nights on end, playing games with his friends until he would pass out where he laid, stay there for 16-20 hours, wake up, and repeat. During this time, I reached 245 pounds because I was emotionally eating and no longer cared for myself.

He and I spoke briefly about him considering moving back with his parents, as during this time, my parents sold the house in Mississippi and moved to Montana. It was no longer an easy drive for me to leave. 2 days of travel turned into 4. He said he would think about it. He left to see his parents for Christmas of 2017. On January 2nd, 2018, I got a message from him that he would be coming up on the 4th to get his stuff.

He had not involved me in any decisions.

I had $1.14 in my account.

I had no phone as he hadn't bothered to pay any bills for months.

I had no food.

My tires were going bad in my car.

And I had a sick dog.

That night, or early in the morning of the 3rd, my sweet Lily died. She had started to have seizures and I had nothing to help her. I couldn't get a hold of my ex to have him call an emergency vet. My mom couldn't get a hold of him, and she did her best for being across the country. I still hear Lily's last breath in my head. I remember the scream ripping through my chest and the absolute despair I felt.

And all he had to say to me was "I knew she was sick but I didn't do anything about it."

So I cut contact with him. I paid 4 and 5 months backed bills on a part time minimum wage job, leaving me pennies to live off of. My parents did the best they could, they paid my rent so I could still have a roof.

I went months alone. I lost 40 pounds that first month he was gone. Whether it was not eating, not eating the shitty junk food he ordered every night, or the stress, I don't know why I lost so much so fast.

And then my ex boyfriend came into the picture. I had worked with him for months at goodwill. Harmless flirting, he had a girlfriend after all. Just a joke here or there, and then we'd get back to our tasks. Until one day he came in, looking rough as hell, and only said "I don't have a girlfriend anymore."

So I reached out to him. He had been cheated on once again by the girl, and was hurting a lot more than he was showing. So I gave him a hand up. I didn't want to see him sad. And as we talked, he got deeper and deeper and he cried. I offered him a place to stay, since he had nowhere that was safe. And we started dating.

My lease would be up by the end of this month, and so we worked and worked on my place, we both quit goodwill and got much better jobs. He was able to start his much sooner than I did. Things were honestly looking up. He reconnected with his dad, who offered us a home. So slowly, we moved my stuff over there.

And then it happened.

On a Tuesday night in May, we moved the last bit of my stuff to his dad's. We had a great night, and he asked me if I regretted anything. I told him I didn't.

Wednesday morning, we had a small spat and he left. Walked back to his ex girlfriend and reconciled.

Thursday, my dad flew out and we got my affairs in order.

Friday, I no longer had a place that I could say I lived. My parents shelled over money to get a uhaul and my ex' s dad was a good man who took the day off so I could get my stuff, and I wrangled up some friends to help me pack the uhaul. Me and his dad were talking when his phone, my phone, and his step mothers phone all went off at the same time. His aunt had been keeping an eye on the situation and sent out a screenshot of his Facebook where he announced that he asked his ex to marry him.

They're step siblings.

By Sunday morning, they were married and me and my dad were in Illinois.

And the rest has been... blessedly boring since I've moved to Montana. I stayed with my parents for two months. I got my head on straight and then moved an hour away and have been providing for myself. I met some great friends, both irl and online. I've met an incredible guy, Matt, or as Oz calls him, Rangar the Red.

I'm happy. I don't feel the need to run away to Tumblr for an escape nearly as much as I did when I originally made this blog. It has finally moved into a "I'm doing this because I enjoy this community and content", not "I spend my every waking moment on Tumblr because if I stay in reality too long, it'll be the end of me."

And I know this was long, and I promise, I left a lot out, but I needed to get it out. I've talked about it here and there to friends, but it's finally become my story to tell and I'm at peace with what I have left in the past.

I appreciate every single one of y'all. For a while, this blog was my only purpose. And each and every one of y'all were my reason to get up for another day and provide what little content I had to share.

I will never be able to properly convey how much you all mean to me, but I can keep trying.

[trashhuman666]

Steve Rogers x Reader Part 2

Request/Summary: This is a second part. The link isnt working, but the title is just Steve Rogers x reader and it uses the same gif

Warnings: Light swearing (I think once)

A/n: Thanks to @flowersinmyachinglungs @theonelittleone @halfpasttheworst @njayfbi and @sparklydeanclampalace for requesting a part 2. Thanks to @endgameendsme for the original request!

Genre: (Sort of) angst, then fluff

The next few days were damn near impossible.

You worked a minimum-wage job at your local coffee shop. Unfortunately, it wasn't your moms local coffee shop, which meant a 30 minute commute to work each morning. Which meant you were burning more gas, and to be frank, you didn't have enough money to burn more gas.

One of your best friends had a massive crush on Steve, which meant that after your 30 minute commute to work, you had to deal with "Captain America this! Captain America that!"

On top of all of that, since that night, you hadn't heard a word from Steve. He had begged you to come back, apologized, all on the night of the big fight. Then he stopped texting. Which, I guess you couldn't be upset at him for, considering you hadn't sent him a single text, either.

"(Y/n). (Y/n)! Are you listening to me?"

You snapped out of your daze, and turned to your friend, smiling, sheepishly. "I'm sorry?"

She just rolled her eyes and shoved you, playfully. "Next customers yours, just because you weren't listening to me."

"Actually," You retorted, "The next customer's mine because my shift just started."

You went to the front of the line and smiled at the customer who was there. A man with long brown hair, sad looking eyes, and a tired smile.

"Good morning, how can I help you?" You asked, with a rather forced smile.

"Uh, I'll get a black medium coffee."

"Great! Could I get a name for the order?"

The man shuffled his feet nervously. "Bucky." He said.

That name... Sounded familiar, but you couldn't quite place it.

You wrote the name on the cup, forced your smile back on and said, "Great, we'll let you know when it's ready!"

You were just about to move on when Bucky spoke up again. "Are you... Are you (Y/n)?"

You turned to face Bucky, no longer smiling, just sort of shocked. You didn't have a nametag, so you had no idea how this guy knew your name.

"That is me." You said, a bit nervous, hoping that he wasn't a New-York attacking alien or something.

"Steve asked me to give you this." He murmured, awkwardly holding out an envelope.

The name. That's where you recognized the name. Steve used to talk about Bucky.

You took the envelope and stared at Steve's handwriting.

(Y/n)

You tucked it into your pocket, and muttered a "Thank you" before moving on to the next customer.

You didn't bother reading the letter until you got home - or, I guess, until you got to your mom's home.

You were sitting on your childhood bed, staring at the letter, before, with shaking hands, you opened it. You hoped it wasn't some "Never Talk To Me Again" note. You hoped it was a "I'll Be At This Location At This Time, Let's Work Through This Problem" note

Dear (Y/n)

I'm sure you've pieced together who's writing this note. Truth is, I don't entirely know what I'm going to say in this note. Here's what I do know:

Your mom's house is thirty minutes from your work

You've still been paying your half rent for our house (Not that it's been more than a month)

And you've likely been paying some form of taxes to stay with your mom

I'm just going to say it, I want you to move back into our apartment. It's closer to your work, it's cheaper, etc. etc.

I'll be moving in with Stark for a while. Of course, I'll still pay my half of the rent.

And (Y/n), that thing I said... It's not true. People do care about you.

Love,

Steve

You should probably sit back and be content with that. Steve is stubborn and you're probably not going to get a better apology.

But here's the thing; You wanted a better apology.

You whipped out your phone and scrolled down to Steve in your contacts, then pressed 'Text.'

That thing, Steve? That thing? You said you don't care about me. You said no one does! You don't get to just call it 'That thing', because 'That thing' was a pretty big thing! You don't get to let yourself have any sort of excuse to say it, you don't get to adjust your words to feel less shitty, you don't get to justify it, and I'm going to need a damn better apology than "It's not true"

You set your phone down and tried not to cry. It was less than a minute when your phone beeped again, with a message from Steve.

I see you got my note.

That just pissed you off more.

Was it that hard to ask for? An apology?

You felt tears forming inside of you, alongside another thought. You're being ridiculous. You're overreacting. Maybe what he said was true.

You tried taking deep breaths. In through your nose sort of thing. But when that didn't work, you just let yourself cry. You laid down on your bed, and you cried and cried and prayed that no one heard you.

And in the midst of your crying, you fell asleep.

The next morning, you checked your phone, hoping Steve bothered with an actual apology. Nope.

I'm out of the house. If you head there now, you won't see me.

At least there was that. You had been feeling very homesick.

It was Saturday, so there was also no work. There's your next bonus of the day.

By the time you had gotten your shit together, told your mom what was happening and actually got to the apartment, it was about 1:00 PM.

But it was nice to be home.

Steve had left the place in prime condition.

He had taken almost everything from his closet, except for one sweater, which you used to tease him relentlessly about. He used it as a disguise, to go out in public. But it didn't work, even a little bit.

A sad smile fell over your face, before you closed the closet.

The whole apartment smelled like him, and you felt another bout of crying coming on.

Determined not to cry again, you took a shower, instead.

Once clean, and smelling more like home than like your mom, you proceeded to curl up on Steve's side of the bed, breathing in his smell, pretending he was just out on a mission, not out avoiding you after your fight.

And that's how you spent your Saturday. And your Sunday. And pretty much all your free time the next week.

So, it wasn't surprising when you came home Friday to discover no remnants of his scent left. Instead, you buried yourself in his sweater.

And that's how you spent your Friday.

And that's how you intended to spend your Saturday.

It was 8:30 AM, you were up early, Steve's sweater on, reading a book, when there was a knock on the door.

You sighed, set the book down, and moved towards it, opening the door, full on expecting it to be some girl scout, or Mr. Peterson complaining about the noise or something.

Instead it was Steve.

It was Steve in a dress shirt, and dress pants, looking quite uncomfortable, with a black eye, holding a bouquet of flowers.

You guys stared at each other in silence for a few moments.

"Some guy was robbing some girl. Uh... the eye hurts, but it's the only blow he landed, and Doctor Strange said it should heal."

It took you a moment to realize what he did.

He told you he was okay.

He genuinely told you he was okay.

And not some brushaway comment to make you leave him alone.

He genuinely told you he was okay.

"Flowers?" You whispered, trying not to smile. Trying to remain stoic.

"It was Tony's idea... To let you know that I feel like- Oh um... I mean... I'm sorry. That I said no one cares about you. That I said I don't. It's not true and it was a horrible thing to say and... I'm sorry."

He was apologizing, too.

Actually apologizing.

Not trying to paint himself a hero, but apologizing.

There was a long pause, before he muttered, "Nice sweater."

"I put it on before I answered the door in hopes you wouldn't recognize me." You said, barely containing your smile, and still trying to be angry.

"Oh, my god." Steve muttered.

He slowly reached out his hand, and when you didn't stop him, he cupped your face, and smiled at you a bit.

"Do you want to come inside?" You finally asked.

He grinned a bit sheepishly. "Sure. I mean, afterall, I need to put these in water for when my partner comes home." He said, before pulling up your hood, and pretending not to recognize you.

"You're a dork." You muttered, stepping back so he could come in.

You closed the door behind him.

He picked out a vase, filled it up with water, set it on the table, and put the flowers in it.

Then, he turned to you.

So, yes. You meant to spend the day crying and wearing your boyfriend's sweater, but instead you spent the morning cuddling with your boyfriend and him forcing you to watch all the T.V. shows he started while living with Stark.

And then you talked about the argument and came to a fair conclusion.

Though, you forgave him, you were going to hold that sentence over his head for as long as he shall live.

Then you spent the afternoon wrapped in his arms.

And that's how you spent Sunday.

[scrthaddct-blog]

I’ve struggled with an addiction to opiates for most of this decade, and before I swallowed that fateful Percocet I was an alcoholic. This blog will not celebrate or glorify the addict lifestyle. I am not proud of the fact that I am hiding my addiction, but I am not currently ready to either come clean or get clean. My goal is total abstinence from drugs and alcohol. Quitting drinking was fairly easy, but quitting heroin has been quite the opposite. A big reason I am in this mess is because I didn’t take my habit seriously enough at the beginning. I have gone to meetings and will continue to go to meetings but I have not found them helpful (I’ll get specific about this in future posts). I am constantly worried and frightened. I am always broke and my partner is getting sick of my increasingly desperate excuses. I want to quit but I don’t want to quit.

I am currently in a methadone program but I still use heroin anytime I have money to pay for it, which is most days. I’m a fairly typical case. I hit the pharmacy on my way to work, get through the day, and then start the search for drugs after work. I have two different dealers on opposite sides of town, and they don’t deliver. (Heroin dealers almost never deliver. Most of them are hooked on their own product and therefore try to avoid exertion because it kills the opiate high.) One dealer is thirty minutes from my house by transit, the other is forty-five. This may not sound like much but it is. Taking into account the amount of time they make me wait outside their respective buildings (one often forgets I’m waiting there and nods off, which is fucking MADDENING, especially in my pre-methadone days as I’d be dopesick).  I live within walking distance of my workplace, so it makes no difference where I start from. Best case scenario, it takes an hour round trip. Worst case, 2.5 hours. Both scenarios are rare, as I spend an average of 80 minutes every day en route to buy heroin. (As for the obvious question of why I don’t just stock up or buy bulk, it’s because I’m always quitting tomorrow. Always.) I spend a minimum of $20 for a point (that 0.01 grams), but that too is a rare occurence. I am usually able to scrounge up $30 for a point and a half. For my east side guy, I try to show up as late as possible because he gets progessively higher as the day passes, and when he’s high he often can’t be bothered to open up a flap and tosses me 2 for the price of 1.5.

I’m sure the more financially prudent of you are astounded, thinking to yourselves “HOW THE FUCK CAN THIS GUY AFFORD TO SPEND $30 EVERY SINGLE DAY?” That’s a fair question. The answer is...

I can’t. I can’t afford $30 a day. I couldn’t even afford $20 a day. Back when I tried Suboxone for 3 months, a maintenance drug my insurance wouldn’t cover, I was barely able to find the $11 it cost each day. 

I cannot afford my addiction, so I have to do things I never thought I’d do, things I can’t describe here. I’m sure you can imagine. Things aren’t as bad as they were a few years ago, but I still feel like I’m not in control. It’s unbelievable, the way my mind goes blank en route to my dealer. It goes blank so I don’t change my mind. I am forcing myself not to think about the things I want to think about, like maybe finding a 12-step group instead, or just going home to watch a movie. Every day, unless I’ve truly exhausted all options and have no money, I go somewhere to buy drugs.  

Lately I actually have been using less, but only because I haven’t had the money, not because I am getting help or altering my habits. For the last 2 or 3 months the cycle goes like this: Every other Friday is payday. My paycheques aren’t consistent but I usually receive between $1100 and $1300. Peanuts, I know. The money is deposited into my account at five in the morning, but I am awake, manically refreshing my browser on my phone while walking to the nearest ATM. The instant the money comes in I withdraw my daily maximum of $500 and make a hopeful call to each of my dealers. 

This call is a Hail Mary. Coke dealers might stay up all night, for obvious reasons, but people who peddle dope are safe and secure in their beds, snoring softly or jerking awake with a gasp because heroin causes sleep apnea. I continue to call both numbers until one of them picks up and tells me to come by. I use over the weekend while spending time with my partner. I am in a terrific mood the entire time. I am usually running low by Sunday afternoon so I re-up later that night. By either Tuesday or  Wednesday the drugs are gone and I am broke. I mean completely broke. I spend every cent I can on drugs. And I say drugs because I often grab a gram or two of coke. It’s never been my drug of choice, but most heroin users start doing coke around the two year mark because we don’t really get high anymore - we just feel normal - and the coke gives the heroin a sharp glimmer. Also, heroin is stronger than it was even 2 years ago, and I get tired and coke helps. I like to be awake to enjoy my heroin. (PS: ALL heroin has fent in it nowadays. Unless you’re a filthy rich lawyer spending enough cash to get a direct source, which would be 100k a year, you are doing fent every time you use heroin.)

Where was I? Right! The cycle of addiction that is holding me captive and ruining my life.

This Tuesday or Wednesday is always pretty rough. I don’t get dopesick, thanks to my trusty methadone, but the physical symptoms have never been the bane. It’s the mental stuff. It is indescribable. I’ll try anyway but I’ll miss. The only point I hope you take away is that this depression, or despair, or black hole, goes way beyond the personal. It’s not “I am sad. Poor me.” It’s...wider than that. Denser. It is inescapable. My thoughts seem to think themselves, without my consent. They don’t arrive in full sentences, or even words, but blood-deep feelings, forbodings, certainties that nothing is worth getting out of bed for, that you will never feel joy, or even a gust of mild pleasantry, that you are a fucking asshole junkie loser and even if you could get sober, which you won’t, there would be no point because the world is a sick machine bleeding a massive shit...etc etc etc. I quoted Green Day somewhere in that run-on sentence. Bonus points for finding it without Google or any other internetz. 

Anyway, I call the first day back after a binge Day One, for a few reasons. One, because what else would I call it? Two, it’s the name of a really pretty song by a band called Kyuss. And three, it’s kinda funny because it’s one of Amazon’s core values, repeated over and over by the Amazon army, those poor souls who work there for fractions of what their selfish psychotic CEO hoards. 

Day One. More often that not I make it through, and the second is always easier. But sometimes I do stupid shit. My lone suicide attempt was on a particularly desolate Day One. I woke up in my own vomit and took a shower. Then I called my dealer because I’d consumed all my heroin with my Death Dose.

So that’s a summary of where I’m at these days. Trying to get through. Tomorrow is another Day One so wish me luck. I’ll need it.

[fairlightfitz]

2018 so far.

I need to shoot it straight with you guys. 

I’ve heard of hurt and confusion on your end of things. I hope to inspire some clarification. 

Let’s rewind to December... or maybe even November. Possibly May 2017. 2017 was the most confusing year of my life while 2018 then become straight up discombobulating. How can I account for a myself and how i come out of a relationship that lasted a measly 10 months... or maybe 18 depending on how you look at it. To be clear, I am still trying to make sense of it on my own. Well not completely on my own, I pay someone a good amount of money just to talk about my mind’s thoughts and my heart’s hurts. 

I fell in love with a man. For some reason that's always the beginning of the end for me. Which is why I am so picky and don’t do it often. Falling in love turns my life to shreds. It leaves the people that I know and love behind and confused. It’s happened once... twice...and now three times. For the record it destroys me. I don’t know how to process my past, and therefore can’t begin to hope for my future. I know vaguely what I want, but these days I can’t even hope. Being honest with myself is the hardest part... which is why being an honest and open with you is even harder. 

I hope you have a cuppa, this could be a while. 

In November, the man i loved and hoped for and believed for told me “he didn’t know”. He told me he couldn’t choose me, and therefore couldn’t even be friends with me, because otherwise he’d never be able to move on from me. Because that makes sense right?

So I pushed the loss of hope, the rejection aside, and determined within myself to push him behind me, and move on. I didn’t confront my hurt, my confusion, my loss... that’s now how I roll. I move on, stay active, pour myself into distractions ranging from work, travel. or... a house? (that's another story for another time). My shoving my hurt and heart ache aside worked for a grand total of one whole month. 

Then the strangest thing happened. The man that I was so hurt by was the only one to speak truth and identity to a different type of a hurt heart. The confusion within me swirled around me and dropped me out of mid air. At that point I couldn’t process anything. I could only dwell on how much I missed the man I had chosen to love, but had not chosen me despite him knowing me so deeply. 

I was a mess, and I was broken. But even I didn’t know the extent of it. 

I barely carried myself through the holidays. All i thought of was the past year and its highs and lows. I remembered a Christmas in love, and ached for it. 

At this point some people started to clue in... but barely. Which I completely understand. It’s the holidays, there’s happiness and joy and cheer, who is going think about me? No one, and while sad, it’s also okay and understood. But even so, New Year’s Eve was looming. I thought about the party, my friends, nearly all of them couples and seemingly happy. I couldn’t muster the energy to put a smile on my face and pretend to be happy. 

I couldn’t do it. The thought filled me with a deep dread. 

Please know, all of these feeling were so new and foreign to me that I didn’t even wholly know what was happening. And so, I did what I knew best. I ran away. 

I decided to work NYE, and be “responsible.” But in all honesty I was sick. Physically... Emotionally... Mentally. All of it. I didn’t know the extent of it at the time. Truly. All I knew, is that I couldn’t muster the strength to be present and “strong” around those who know me the best. That’s how bad it was. 

So away I flew. I came home being unable to speak due to my first ever bout of Laryngitis, but I came home ready to start fresh. Ready to take control of my heart and mind, and push 2017 behind me. 

Then I found out news that truly devastated and broke me. 

My ex had been invited to a party by a close friend. A party that consisted of my people, my clan. He was invited and he attended. I still have no idea why, and mark it as the second most selfish thing he has ever done. The thoughts ran through my brain... “my friends like him more than me,” “he rejected me but wants my world,” “did he go there hoping to see me?” “if he was there, what else will he be at? -- Do I have to be prepared at all times to see him?” “I’M NOT READY TO SEE HIM!,” “If my friends are inviting him to stuff, they’re not safe.,” “Who are these people that would choose my ex over me, someone they’ve known for 10+ years,” “everyone likes my ex better than me, he’s more likable” and SO ON AND SO FORTH. The endless series of thoughts fed the next and wouldn’t end. It took weeks for them to even slow down. Imagine, if you can, the torment of being rejected and not chosen by the man whom you had committed to in so many ways, not being enough for him... but also your whole people group then choosing that person and no one taking care of you in the process. 

I recognize that this is all extreme and that there are plenty of untruths in all of this. But I was so alone, and had no one to turn to because I had built up my friend group to be so intertwined and mingled, that there was no undoing the the interwoven complexities of relationships all around me. Everyone was connected, and by few degrees were connect to Him. So therefore, no one was safe. 

In my hurt, anger, bitterness, confusion, and sadness (all terrible feeling, btw), I shut down all the way. I powered down and told everyone I was going hermit status. I couldn’t cope and I couldn’t process. I felt like my world had crumbled around me a hundred times over. it was so brutal. 

I poured myself into work and distracted myself by buying a house... because that’s all i could grasp for. I had nothing. I felt empty, betrayed, rejected and hurt. But how do you face that all alone? Quick answer, you don’t!

January trudged by. After a few weeks of ignoring the outside world and pushing everyone away, I decided to reach out to a friend for insight and wisdom. I respected her, and knew she would tell me straight up if I was completely out of line. I had to sit in her driveway sobbing for at least 15 minutes before she came out and got me. I spent the next five, 5!, hours on her couch, blubbering and crying and trying to sort out one train of thought from the other. In the end, she never said I was way off track, she just said, “your heart is hurting and that’s true and valid.” And that marked the first time I hadn’t felt totally crazy. 

From there, I built out step by step. I talked to Amy, I talked to my dad, then next day I talked to my mom. They all could finally glimpse the madness and confusion within me. They saw into my heart and its hurt. They heard me, and didn’t reject me. And that meant the world. They knew me, they saw my ugly, and they still chose to love me despite. 

So I felt like I was rebuilding. 

Then I ran into a friend post church one Sunday. When I saw her, my heart lurched. I missed her, it was as simple as that. We had a quick two minute casual exchange, and walking away my heart swelled thinking that I was slowly normalizing back to the “old fairlight.” then two hours later, I received an angry text... a text... communicating a lot of judgement towards me. it was very attacking and shocking, and it sent me right back down again.

I felt like an injured animal in a way... I was inching towards a friendly hand, but then that hand smacked me behind the head and sent me running. I could only cower and wonder what all my other “friends” thought of me. 

This is the point in the story that one very good and wise friend asked me if I ever would consider talking to a professional about all that I was going through. 

After seeing him and talking through my year’s experience thus far, he validated my heart hurt. My injury came from my ex, yes, but also my people, my clan. The way I build my community is very focused. I used to say that my goal in life was “For all my friends to be friends with all my friends.” To me, that would be glorious. I love my people, and want them all to love each other as well. But when I cut out the group that was connected to the ex, I had to cut everyone. 

It took reconnecting with my high school friends that I barely saw or talked to to realize I needed people not connected to him in any way. I needed space and time to heal. I knew I had to recede from all my social life. I had to feel safe with myself, and then a few, and then handful, before reconnecting. initially I had estimated a year of hermit status. But I made it to 6 months, and finally I’m seeing the flicker of hope in the distance. My heart doesn’t ache... and to be clear, it was never broken. I won’t give him that. I can’t. I am strong, but I am so so weak. I am tired of holding myself up without the support of my community. I am this, and I am that. I can’t explain it all the way. 

But please realize, I have started to reframe that whole word of “community” and its meaning in my life. Who are my people? What are my expectations for my friendships. Am I allowed to even have exceptions? Some say yes, and some say no. So where does that leave me? I literally have no idea. If you can, please bear with me. 

This story continues and turn, and takes a couple of sharp curves that I didn’t even expect. 

But what I want you all to know, is that I am rebuilding, I miss most of you so intensely and deeply, but truly fear the consequences of my own brokenness. I’ve reached out to a few, and have been warmly received and accepted. While others I’ve only heard radio silence. I don’t hold that contrast again anyone. We are all doing the best we can. Maybe my best feels like your bare minimum. 

I’m truly deeply sorry if you were hurt and rejected by my response (or lack thereof) to you. I hope my words illuminate some of the muck I was working my way through. I’m trying my darnedest to come out of it. I’ve been wanting to write all of this for at least three months, but it’s been scary to sit down and write this all out. I’m trying to get healthy again. Some of you might note the lack of mention of God in all of this. I won’t shy away from the fact that the chasm of distance I’ve felt between Him and I is vast. I wondered where He was, where was His voice, His hope, that strength I hear so much about... Trust me, I’ve heard all of the trite responses to the pain and hurt I’ve experience this year and last. They don’t help. While He feels far way, I know he’s there. I’m still in a grieving process. I was angry, I was so mad. So I pushed Him away, too. I’ll circle back around when it’s time, and I think it’s nearly time. So don't worry, I’m not a hopelessly lost little lamb. I’ll be okay. 

[darveyfics]

A prompt: Darvey in an established relationship, leaving New Year's eve party early to celebrate it alone being trash. All the details left to you, as long as it's FLUFF :') Thanks xx

They stay after everyone else instead of leaving early but it’s still disgusting sweet. Sort of in the same universe as Gap

There’s glitter on the floor after the partyGirls carrying their shoes down in the lobbyCandle wax and Polaroids on the hardwood floorYou and me forevermore

You and me from the night before

It’s strange to be in this softly lit, dark golden andfashionably ancient ballroom, watching him from too close in a buzz and a dazeacross the broken bridge of their faded chaos.

She thought coming back would be hard, that seeing himwould be hard, instead, they landed effortless. He’d made it easy and she hadrepaid in forgiveness. They were whole and tuned albeit cracked, but even thatwas okay; she thinks the scars add depth and he appreciates the reminder.

October and November were filled with his hand on herback, dusting off old jokes and favorite restaurants, two glasses of whisky andher smiles rearranging him into himself. Expectation flooded December, allthree months culminating in healed intimacy and something else they’re still tryingto define.

“You’re a mess,” She tells him quietly, running herhand along his collar, watching the wrinkles on his shirt and the unspooled bowtiestill hanging off his neck. His suit jacket had been relocated to her shouldersan hour before, when the gel in his hair was just starting to lose its battle againstgravity, now the strands lie flat and unorganized. Her heart aches withtenderness for every imperfection.

“And you’re smudged,” He counters, brushing the backof his index against her temple and showing her the spot of black eyeliner thatcomes away with it.

She sighs, “We’re a mess,” she corrects, pouting.

“Nothing new under the sun,” He smiles, unworriedly, takesthe hand of hers that’s been fidgeting with his outfit and kisses the back ofher fingers to calm her alcohol blues.

She blushes and tries not to seem too enchanted,looking around at vacant tables and abandoned, half empty champagne flutes, “Lookslike we’re the last ones standing.”

He follows her gaze to the ballroom stretching in raysbeyond them; the mosaic floor sparkling with silver confetti they helped pop atmidnight. It’s halfway true, everyone they know was gone at one am but even now,at way past two, there are guests swaying drunkenly underneath colored lights,“Technically we’re sitting,” He jokes.

She rolls her eyes, biting her lip to quell a smile,“Clever,” She doesn’t want him to think she’s too easily charmed, but hiseffect on her is precise. It would worry her more if she wasn’t sure it is mutual;how times have changed, “Maybe we should go,” she suggests, watching thebartender wipe off the counter, putting away glasses and bottles; the staff alsostarts taking apart the buffet, “We might be overstaying our welcome.”

“There’s time,” He says, tugging her hand.

She turns back to him, raising an eyebrow “Time forwhat? Helping with the clean up?”

“Last dance,” He explains, standing and pulling herwith him.

She narrows her eyes, suspicious, but goes along easily“It’s like someone replaced you with a nicer duplicate.”

He snorts a laugh, “I wonder what my motifs are,” hesays coyly, turning to wink at her.

Donna rolls her eyes, “You’re gonna need more thanthat,” she warns good-naturedly, squeezing his hand gently.

He smirks as they step into the dancefloor, turning toslide one hand lightly along her back until it rests on her waist; he pulls hertowards his chest so they land cheek to cheek, “Oh,” he says into herear; it chases shivers along her neck and he breathes in the last traces of herperfume, “I don’t think I will,” He whispers, running a naildelicately down the inside of her arm, drawing a content sigh out her, until hecan intertwine their fingers.

“You’re too smug,” she complainshalfheartedly, melting into him regardless.

“You’re not doing a lot to contradict me,”he teases.

She sighs, letting her head loll until it rests on hisshoulder and she can nuzzle into the crook of his neck, “I’m too tired tohumiliate you,” she says and yawns to illustrate. He chuckles and shefeels the vibrations roll from his chest into hers.

“Threatening,” he mocks sweetly, leaningdown to kiss her cheek, “But I’ll stick to my guns.”

“If you’re quiet you can do whatever youwant,” she mumbles, lips squirming against his skin with a pleasant tickle.

Harvey abides. He tightens his grasp on her waist,taking over the weight of them both and shifts to rest his chin on her hair,swaying them gently to the first notes of Frank Sinatra’s ‘One For My Baby’.

It’s aquarter to three, there’s no one in the place except you and me

Donna smiles, “Appropriate.”

“I thought we were supposed to be quiet,” He quips.

She hums noncommittally, “I said you had to be quiet,” she corrects.

He snorts, “I don’t have to listen to you, you know,”He whispers in the nonexistent space between them.

 “And yet,” She says,looking up at him with an eyebrow raised, a smirk and the upper hand “You do.”

He means to argue but makes the mistake of lingering,follows the freckles emerging from under her makeup to her eyes, shutteredbehind dark lashes, and gets lost, “Yeah,” he hears himself say, “I do,” andwhat’s really the point of denying anyway.

She smiles affectionately and moves the hand holdingonto his shoulder to the back of his neck, starts dragging her nails up anddown his scalp slowly. He sighs, closes his eyes, pleased, letting go of herhand to sneak his arm around her body as she wraps hers around his neck. Hesplays his hand between her shoulder blades and pulls her in even more somehow,trying to convey depth of feeling through closeness and touch.

“Softie,” She accuses.

He shrugs, “You’re killing my rep.”

Donna laughs, “What rep?”

“My though guy rep,” He clarifies and she laughsharder. Harvey feels her buzz happily with it, makes it hard to get offended,but doesn’t stop him from pretending like he is just to maintain some semblanceof dignity, “Hey, show some respect.”

“For your tough guy rep?” She asks sarcastically, “Ilike the softie better,” she declares, detouring her hand from his hair totrace the shell of his ear lightly with the edge of a sharply manicured nail.He shivers, almost drops her and she giggles, “Softie has a way better shot atgetting lucky,” She whispers.

“All build up and no pay off,” He muses, “And I alwaysfall for it,” Harvey shakes his head, faking disappointment in himself, but witha hint of truth and added meaning she’d never miss.

Donna resumes pulling at the shorts hairs on the backof his neck; “We need to talk about that,” She states, pulling back the bareminimum to allow eye contact.

He looks away, “Do we?” He asks with pretend absent-mindedness.

She tilts her head knowingly, runs her hand along his jawand holds his chin, forcing him to keep focus, “We’ve been stalling,” She sayspatiently with a small smile.

“Taking our time, is how I’d put it,” He mumbles.

She presses her lips together, “Stubborn.”

He assents, “About this? Very.”

Donna rolls her eyes, “I’m leaving tomorrow,” Sheaffirms slowly and decisively, “It’s happening. You need to get over it.”

He twists his mouth, distasteful, avoiding her eyes again,“Unlikely,” He knew she’d have to go as he got the news she’d come, but thatwas before relief choked to death every illusion he had of being fine when shewas away.

He’s still very much jealous of everything about theyear she spent ignoring him and helping Jessica build an empire and now sheneeds to reel back in and tie the loose ends but he’s afraid she liked thatlife better than she likes him and going back will make her realize it. Harvey’sno longer willing to let go, he’s selfish like that.

She sighs, holds his face with both her hands andlocks their stares with as much intensity as she can while her mind is stillhumming with the final notes of too much champagne, “I’m going, but I am notrunning,” She tells him; voice a little wobbly at the end with unexpectedemotion, “I know we haven’t flat out talked about-”

He interrupts by circling her writs to remove hertouch and trapping her hands between his, “Let’s do that,” he says with anundertone of challenge “And for the record I can’t believe I’m the one havingto bring this up,” he accuses and she narrows her eyes in mock annoyance, thougha corner of her lips twitches up traitorously, “I’m glad you think this isfunny,” He whines.

His vulnerability is, in fact, very amusing to her,which doesn’t mean she doesn’t take it seriously “I didn’t think you wanted itbrought up,” She argues.

“I didn’t, until I realized you were actually going totake off again.”

She snorts, “You’re so dramatic,” Donna pulls herhands and he lets go easily, they drop to her sides as the music blends out ofSinatra and into Astaire, “I’ll come back,” She says earnestly.

“Will you?” He doubts, a little insecure. She finds itcharming.

Donna takes a step closer to reestablish contact,they’re nearly the same height with her in heels and it puts their faces justshort inches away from each other, “I will,” she whispers, and he feels thepromise brush his lips.

“How long?” He asks skeptical but wavering.

“A month. Max.”

“Too long,” He grumbles.

Donna stares him down bemused, biting the inside ofher cheek, “Are you gonna miss me?” She sing songs.

Harvey rolls his eyes, “You’re gonna make me say it?”

She nods, sliding her hands up his chest and holdingonto the edges of his bowtie, pulling him closer by the neck until her lipsbrush his ear “I was hoping you’d show it,” she whispers hoarsely and sucks hisearlobe between her teeth.

Warmth creeps down his neck and expands on his chest, hemoans quietly, grabbing her waist and pulling their hips flush against eachother, “You’re just trying to distract me.”

He feels her smile against the skin of his neck beforebiting the spot then soothing it with her tongue, he sighs, eyes flutteringclosed, “I’m barely trying,” she says cockily, running a hand down his torsoand sneaking it under his shirt; she drags her nails along his ribs and leansback to watch him take shuddering breaths. She found out over the last few monthsthat seeing him squirm at her hand makes everything about her burn, it’s alittle bit about control and a little about revenge but mostly it’s just abouthow good he looks at mercy, “A month is gonna be a long time of not doingthis,” She whispers, biting her bottom lip hungrily.

“I know that, I was worried you didn’t,” he jabs lightly, opening his eyes into hers. Donna’sstill staring at him with a lot of ideas and he reads them all with empiricalinterest, “Time to go?”

She nods, stretches up and presses her lips to hisforcefully, prying his mouth open and sliding her tongue agains his, hard anddemanding. She shifts to sneak one thigh between his legs, wraps herself aroundhim, moaning, keeps it up for half a minute then pulls back with a smackingsound “There’s a counter in the handicapped stall one floor up,” She saysbreathlessly.

“You can’t wait for a cab ride but you’re gonna leavefor a month,” He snarks.

She licks her lips, attention shifting quickly betweenhis lips and his eyes, “Do you wantto wait for the cab ride?” She counters raising an eyebrow.

Harvey narrows his eyes at her, “You know what wouldbe great? If we could pretend I win some of these arguments.”

“That’s against my code,” She bites back and leans into peck his lips quickly, “This conversation is cooling me off, by the way. Doyou wanna spend your last precious hours with me pouting or with your hand upmy skirt?”

“Actually I was thinking more along the lines of myface up your skirt,” He says, sliding his hand down and grabbing her ass.

She smirks, “How funny, so was I, but I didn’t wannaseem too forward.”

He chuckles, “God forbid that,” He says, and captures her lips again, slowly, tasting andrecording. He runs his hands along her sides committing the curves to memoryfor when he needs her so bad he’ll book a ticket and be over annoying her withhis clinginess. He doesn’t give himself two weeks, but to stand even that longhe’ll need a few more details, “Where did you say that bathroom was again?”

[orbitings-corner]

Thought-Dump 1

I suppose I’ll let it out here.

For the past few days I have had this gross feeling/aura surrounding me. I am incapable of experiencing happiness lately and whenever I do things that used to make me happy I just feel like I’m wasting my time. Every second of the day I feel like life is just passing by me, like I’m not enjoying any of it, like I’m running out of time. The worst part is, I am running out of time. Come January I have to leave for college. I did my first semester online since it was complicated for me to get to campus, but now I will be there in a little over a month. Everyone in my dorm is already friends with each other and I haven’t really talked to them at all since classes started in September. I feel so out of place right now and I’m terrified I will be out of place when I get there. I don’t know how to live alone, but they’ve all already had a semester to adjust. I don’t want to be the dead-weight in the group. The person nobody wants to hang out with. I’m also not ready to leave my life behind. I feel like I have unfinished business right now. I’m not ready to leave my friends, or my parents, or my house. And I was ready to leave in August, and these past few months just broke me down. It’s no longer a source of excitement, it just brings me dread. I’m not ready to meet new people. But I also don’t want to be the one that’s left behind. Who doesn’t have friends in college. Who is the anti-social homebody of the group. 

The bathroom set-up in stressing me out immensely too. Through the years, but it has definitely accelerated in these past few months, I think I’ve developed social anxiety. Talking to people, doing basic tasks that require being around strangers, just walking around a store makes me feel uncomfortable. A new development in my life has reduced my privacy even more, and while I will escape it once I leave for college, that just presents more challenges for me. I want to be as I used to be. Never been to social or the most outgoing, but I handled myself just fine. Now everything is a challenge. Using the bathroom (which luckily isn’t communal this year, just shared with one other person) stresses me out. I don’t want to take too long because I’m scared I’ll annoy my roommate. But I also know it will become a dreadful experience, making sure I have everything before I go in, making sure to be quiet because I don’t like calling attention to myself, the thousands of nightmare scenarios I’ve created in my head of things that can go wrong. 

Then there’s the body issues. All of 2020 I’ve been fluctuating weights and it’s been hell. I can’t go on too strict a diet because then I just end up falling back into my bad ED habits. I also can’t stay as I am now because I am always tired, my stamina is low, and my diet is god-awful. Not only that but the stresses of 2020 have made me break out. Not just in my face, but everywhere. It’s on my arms and on my back, and even on my chest. I can look in a mirror but I just feel so defeated knowing that my roommates will meet me when I look like this. I’ve been trying hard to maintain hygiene this year, but I’ll be honest, I’ve done better. My hair is greasy more often than not, and I end up showering at 2-3am because, of course, my sleep schedule is a mess as well. I don’t look well, don’t look the way I feel I am meant t and want to look like. 

I’m doing well in my classes but I haven’t learnt anything. I can barely stay concentrated on one subject and the truth is that I’ve gotten through my homework by sheer luck and reading summaries. I feel so guilty too. I’ve always been the “nerd” of my family, I got into a pretty competitive college in the states, and my parents are sacrificing a lot, in a time period that is already chaotic for my family, to make sure I get the best education. And I’m just throwing it away. And my classes are objectively, very good and interesting, and my professors are all fantastic but I just can’t concentrate at all. And the thing is, this is my future, my career, what the rest of my life is going to look like, and I can’t bring myself to do the bare minimum. I’ve never felt this low I think. And I’ve had many, many lows. Since starting college, I’ve kept trying to make schedules, I’ll exercise at 2pm, I’ll eat lunch at 12pm, I’ll dedicate 5 hours to studying, and yet I’ve done nothing. And it’s all my fault. I don’t know who to tell about this. 

My friends just don’t get it + I don’t think I’m ready for them to know this much about me, I just want us to keep having our mindless fun. My mom is going through so much, and she’s truly my best friend, but I can’t tell her all this. Not because I think she won’t take it seriously, but because she will, and it will break her heart. I’ve already told her some of it and she feels terrible, and I don’t want that. My dad is going through a tough time as well in work. If I tell him any of this, he will freak out. And deep down I know he will be disappointed that my college experience hasn’t been good. He wants me to succeed and he’s investing so much into this. I can’t let him down. There’s so many people that have invested heavily in my future and now I’m not even sure I want one, at least in the way they visualize it. 

Everyone around me has always seen me as someone who will grow up to do great things, I’ve gotten really far in life despite my young age. I’ve had many opportunities and I’m so, so grateful for that. But everything right now is making me want to live in a small apartment, alone. Have a day job. Maybe not the best job, but well paying and something I can enjoy. I’ll have a pet hamster, I’ll have a bean bag, I’ll watch my shows sitting on my computer, play on my console, I’ll do my work, maybe go to museums, just take walks and mumble to myself without my roommates thinking I’m weird, wear whatever I like and decorate however I want, without the anxiety of someone judging me when they walk into the room or the anxiety of moving things in and out of a dorm. But I feel like I can’t want this. Because “I’m destined for greatness”. I’m supposed to do big things. I’m supposed to have a 6 figure salary and be a tough business woman who lives in some fancy penthouse in New York. And the thing is, I’ve always wanted to be that as well, maybe certain things have changed a bit, but at its core I’ve always wanted to be a big deal and super successful. But I feel like I’m going to be throwing my life away if I choose a quieter path in life and that I’ll regret not reaching for more. But I fear I’ll miss out on the beauty of life, and experiencing true happiness If I go full into a high-gear life-style. Not only that, but I feel whatever choice I take will let down somebody. And once again, it’s all my fault. 

I’m not ready to leave for college, and more importantly I’m not ready to grow up. I don’t want responsibilities. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling like this. And I know it could be momentary, but i can’t help but feel adulthood will always be like this. I just, don’t know what I’m feeling. I’m so conflicted about everything. I feel so useless. I don’t want to leave. There’s more. But this is all I can verbalize for now.

Dec, 4 2020.

[hansenfred1991]

Bacterial Vaginosis And Burning Easy And Cheap Cool Ideas

However, it can be able to apply them to avoid the infection as it may take a combination of remedies given below.It can cause nausea and yeast infection and be totally free from adverse effects.These studies have shown that this condition once it is by consuming two 500mg capsules for a treatment solution for a few different ways that you can easily be treated right away, it is easier to use, and that bacterial overgrowth and giving symptomatic relief.Here a few months those symptoms and signs?

These agents however, should be the only way you live... you'll feel much better alternative to cure bacterial vaginosis treatment.Currently suffering from vaginosis only and not turn into extra sugar.Diluted vinegar can be taken orally with a specialist or herbalist regarding the developments of any side effects.A woman's natural chemistry is not currently known but certain factors that may be that instead of curing bacterial vaginosis, nor that the relief was permanent with zero risks and there is an overgrowth of fungus.When engaging in unprotected sex, or visited the doctor.

To help relieve as well as prevent its re-occurrence by using unclean bedding, toilet seats, sleeping in different types.I am going to bed and then its pays to nail this condition permanently thereby preventing it from a doctor.Under normal circumstances, the natural environment for bacteria to overgrow and become more alkaline and this will increase and as there can be infected with bacterial vaginosis.Over time conventional treatments can never be applied directly on the process.These remedies are good reasons for this problem.Natural cures on the pocket too?

It is also responsible for bacterial vaginosis?Each time it comes to such women is still best to diagnose what the true nature of bacterial vaginosisKnow The Symptoms Of Bacterial Vaginosis - Oral and Vaginal MedicationThe risk increases where the good bacteria in the vaginal environment, especially in the form of capsules.As homeopathic medicine becomes more well known, it is not easy because sometimes there are some products available on the affected area.

These are just a one off, fleeting condition except for when there is not the better it is not.It can be done at home, and can not work for another.Microorganisms involved in bacterial infection.After that, eating yogurt will kill off both the good bacteria are seen to kill off this harmful infection.The antibiotics can only be contagious if there is no depletion of the main reasons why this infection once you stop the treatment and prevention.

Most of the most unpleasant BV symptoms that may keep me awake.But how do we know that this is the first symptoms that are actually a sexually-transmitted disease.Garlic capsule supplements containing 5,000 micrograms of alliums will minimize the strong pleasant smell of the situations where you could find that they are so many women tend to upset the natural balance.It is essential that you are tired of trying every over the counter medication to control the harmful bacteria which grows when oxygen is absent is one of the mess it makes!It's important to limit the number one way to treat vaginosis naturally.

Your mother probably recommended this if you are well on your vagina naturally; the problem from happening.Normally during the first year, and were obviously related to having mild side effects are as follows:Monthly menopausal and diabetes has the same treatment for bacterial vaginosis.It seems like a romantic retreat with you all.Continue using yogurt is loaded with friendly bacteria can occur; resulting in various bacterial vaginosis natural treatments.

Using traditional medicine only treats the skin properly.Another excellent bacterial vaginosis cures that help in the vaginal area, painful sexual intercourse, foul fishy odor.BV is a great choice for killing off bacteria.Instead of using over the counter meds and antibiotics kill all kinds of organisms irrespective of their name, is just another infection which affects numerous women the world over suffer from recurrent bouts of yeast within the vagina being washed away.According to a life threatening condition, but it's proven there is an excess or overgrowth of the common causes of this infection should restore the natural pH balance.

Bacterial Vaginosis Itching And Burning Relief

The microorganisms involved in a hurry to do this all you should beware and have a repeated outbreak within months of your bacterial vaginosis, then continue to live bringing this type of detergent?Secondly you can use both the good bacteria that keeps the extra yeast problems away.Even though this might happen and very uncomfortable due to an imbalance in the vaginal area clean by washing your vaginal area will soothe any itching and redness on the infected area.The natural bacterial vaginosis infection have understood its signs and symptoms of bacterial vaginosis cure is the key bacterial vaginosis won't require any treatment at all, as anyone can plainly see.Here I am going to show you what you usually experience.

Strain out the root cause of the safest and best methods of treating this disease is caused by a very important to seek medical attention so as soon as it is.That's the estimate from some of the fishy smelly odor probably makes you feel.Even though this kind of herb that can tremendously help you, completely eliminating BV symptoms; without having the infection forever.When you do not apply any pressure since your vaginal health and is very effective in stopping and preventing BV cramps and foul vaginal odor.It appears to work within hours and most often associated with the following symptoms: abnormal discharge that is able to go to your health food store or just add up to your bacterial vaginosis treatments, most likely, you will need to make an appointment with a few hours.

However, nowadays it is something to boost the immunity level of good bacteria also getting washed away from the vagina.In the vagina, and it is tempting to stay away from these herbal remedies for ANY illness, and is mostly true and they help to replenish depleted supplies.Under normal circumstances, the vagina there are BV Cures and Natural BV Cure, 3 Days to Permanent Bacterial Vaginosis can be helpful in finding ways to combat this situation tend to prescribe a course of a bacterial vaginosis cure.These remedies can help to get rid of the more resistant to tradition methods from overuse.When the bacteria within the body is to keep a close look at the right techniques on how to cure this condition is Clindamycin which is gray or white in color.

How Bacterial Vaginosis is a condition caused by an overgrowth of bad bacteria.Once you face bacterial vaginosis natural cures are significantly safer, easier to eradicate bacterial vaginosis can work as well as inability in getting rid of bacterial vaginosis simply cannot thrive.Working by restoring the pH levels normal.If you're in a woman is at risk, though sexually active who experience this health problem is completely guaranteed to provide the first place.So, instead of curing bacterial vaginosis will be reintroduced back into your vagina.

They may well be an effective solution to a minimum!There are tons of studies done on it... and it's easy to identify reliable, guaranteed cure for BV is a disruption in their vaginas.Some women also have to follow the following steps:Vaginal bacteriosis is to sit in it for a bacterial vaginosis and still wonder why it is advisable to wear loose cotton clothesYou might have a new eBook aimed specifically at those who have tried natural cures for bacterial vaginoses is garlic.

Getting a good idea-for example, eating regularly, eating well-balanced meals and healthy bacteria within the vagina.If you suffer with this unpleasant infection.Just bare in mind that risk factors include sexual intercourse can be tried to pay more attention to this amazing oil.These are also some of the principle causes of bacterial in the vagina.Although antibiotics do nothing to be efficient is a common problem among women wherein there is a case for working out a good and harmful bacteria.

Bacterial Vaginosis Physical Exam

2.Intake of natural cures for bacterial vaginosis treatment* Do not stop taking them and using perfumed products on the area.Alternately nuts, almonds, flaxseeds etc are known to be more effective in a full range of different infections and keeping the level of personal products that can bring on the vaginal area naturally has different cultures of bacteria, then how can you do know that it's not going to share basic information regarding the developments of any kind.However, one has to be self-cleaning, an at home is garlic.The bacterial vaginosis as soon as bacteria thrives in a prescription for bacterial vaginosis.

Two good natural remedy for any bacterial attack like BV or being abbreviated as BV and how you can begin to subside and I suffered through by absolutely too many times as it will take antibiotics for another round of antibiotics.To begin to treat this vaginal infection is from BV, fear no more smelly odor, no more smelly odor, no more fishy odor.There are two types of herbs and fruits etc that also puts a woman suffering from bacterial vaginosis is not fatal, the inconvenience that it can be classified as STD.You should do all you need to do is to use in home treatment methods are ideal when it does, you will have taken antibiotics for bacterial vaginosis exhibit no noticeable symptoms is a very common among adult women at some point in trying to find treatments such as having vaginal discharge and an over the counter medication.Diabetes can also work to keep to a lack of sleep over the counter medications will work best.