#but i really just hate how shallow instagram tends to be

[periprose]

why do people on instagram unfollow but assume you want to keep following them? you're not fucking famous lol

[harrypotter-imaginess]

Part 1 Here!

Etsy Store Here l Ko-Fi l Commission Info I Instagram I Zine

A/N: Because he's my boyfriend. I did obviously female reader for this one which is straying from my usual gender-neutral style. Check out my 'Weasley Suprmeacy shirt here!

* He likes wearing turtlenecks

* His favorite is a black turtleneck made of some lightweight material that he wears as often as possible

* “Are you trying to be Steve Jobs or something?” You joke

* “Who’s Steve Jobs?”

* His favorite body part of yours is your breasts

* And like, it’s not even sexual really

* He just thinks they’re soooo cute!

* Especially when he looks at them from the side

* And you do a little stretch

* And if you’re wearing a bralette or nothing at all (which he 100% supports you do what you want)

* They sort of move a little, and they look sooooo cute to him

* Just adorable really

* And it’s all he can think about for the day

* Like I said, he’s not even thinking about it in a sexual way. He just thinks it’s adorable

* And he has no idea why

* Please don’t tease him about it if you ever notice, poor baby will short circuit trying to understand why he feels the way he does.

* “I-“

* “I J-Just-“

* He’s so red you’re scared he’s going to pass out.

* He covers his face with his hands

* “I just think they’re cute!”

* Huh

* “Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy when I see them”

* Well that wasn’t the answer you were expecting

* “I think they’re cute too George” you pat his shoulder helping him come back

* If you start wearing more bralettes/no bra at all afterward then-

* George is nothing but heart eyes for you

* A little NSFW but-

* If you let him indulge himself he’ll ask for you to hug him without a bra/shirt on

* It doesn’t go any further than that I promise

* He just wants to hold you, and your skin is so soft

* And the gals are looking adorable as always

* It’s just a very comforting experience

* You probably fall asleep that way

* And you probably get a little sniffle because sleeping without a shirt on gets cold!

* Even if you do have George’s body heat to keep you somewhat warm

* “This is” *sneeze* “all your” *sneeze* “fault!”

* Anticipating your needs he holds a tissue to your nose catching as you sneeze again

* “Sorry love,” he apologizes, but he doesn’t look the least bit sorry

* “Here take my cardigan” he’ll say, tugging his cardigan off, and helping you wear it.

* It smells like him

* Well, at least he’s got nice taste in clothes

* I feel like he has deep pockets

* And I’m not talking about money

* It’s canon that the twins are pretty tall

* And taller people tend to have bigger feet and hands

* I canon that when George gets to a place where he can financially afford to tailor clothes is that he asks to have deeper pockets

* Why?

* Well for one he’s got big hands, and how often have they not fit when he was stuffing them into one of Charlie’s hand-me-down pants?

* The other is because-

* “Tch, I forgot to bring a hair tie”

* The next thing you know he’s holding one out to you

* “Here you can have mine”

* He wants to make sure he has anything you might need

* Hair ties, clips, pens, extra face masks in case yours blows away again, a granola bar-

* Literally anything you might need

* “Can you get your tailor to make me pants like these too?” You ask

* You jokingly decided to wear a pair of his pants- they’re way too long for one and somehow simulate pinky too tight on your hips, but the pockets are nice.

* “Nope.”

* No way is he making you a pair, if you get pockets how is he supposed to impress you?

* “Aw afraid I’ll leave you for a pair of pants” you tease

* “Careful now, if you don’t want out I’ll leave you for your handbag- the awfully sexy one”

* “The black one?”

* “Yes”

* It does give him a good idea for a product though

* Next time you’re at the store you see the “infinity-pockets” a ball that you drop in your pocket that makes a weightless void to hold your things

* “You can have one for your handbag”

* “The sexy black one?

* This is a little sad

* But I feel like whenever George is making something-

* Like a cup of tea or a sandwich, whatever

* He’ll make two of them

* And it’s not until he holding both mugs that he realizes what he’s done

* He made a cup for Fred

* But Fred’s not around anymore to drink it

* And for a moment there’s this crushing sense of despair

* Like he’ll never be happy again

* But then you show up, with a smile, taking the extra cup from him

* “I was craving some of this” you whisper taking a shallow sip

* And it’s like you tethered him back to the earth, tugging on the rope and yelling:

* “None of that now, it’s time to come back home!”

* And he finds himself smiling as he watches you take shallow sips

* “Don’t you hate that?”

* You do hate it

* “I don’t know what you’re talking about” you mumble

* He tries to control himself, but he can’t hide the grin that curls onto his face

* “No, I particularly remember you saying that it tastes so bad it gives you a headache”

* You walk away, mug in hand

* “I have no idea what you’re talking about”

* It doesn’t take away the pain of losing his brother, the person he loved most until the world

* But it does make him feel a little better

* You might joke you have heart eyes for a Weasley, and that Arthur and Molly make gorgeous children

* But George has nothing but heart eyes for you

[peridot-dreams]

beautiful people | shawn mendes

Shawn sees a familiar face at the awards show, and learns the value of realness.

The setting sun leaves the Hollywood sky pink and full of possibilities. Shawn finds himself looking out the window at it, still in a daze after the events that had unfolded that day. He’d won several awards for a song he was proud of. He thinks of the look on his parents’ faces in the audience when his name was announced and smiles. That’s who I do this all for, he thinks to himself.

His limousine rolls up the venue. It’s already teeming with people, Lamborghinis, and cameras. Shawn is used to such commotion, but the second he opens the car door, he’s bombarded with excessive noise - noise so loud that he can barely hear himself think.

He’s still riding his post-awards high when he walks in, still dressed in the same red carpet outfit as before. He has a girl on his arm, but not by choice - rather, an unfortunate PR stunt planned terribly and executed even worse. He greets his celebrity friends as he passes by, offering a small smile and a thank you when they congratulate him on his win.

He’s just about to ask the girl on his arm if she’d like to come with him to the drink bar when he sees a flash of silver in the corner of his eye. Shawn realizes who had just walked past him; he feels his heart began to pound in his chest and his breathing gets shallow. “Sorry, can I go to the bathroom?” he tells the girl on his arm, not bothering to wait for a response. He detaches himself and follows the silver blur, around a corner and into a dark hallway.

The silver blur is standing in the dark, scrolling aimlessly on her phone. Shawn sighs and takes in the sight: the silver dress on her is absolutely stunning. Her hair and her makeup is perfect; he feels lost in her presence, stunned by her beauty. He’s never seen her like this, and it only adds to the pain of it all. His mother had once said that losing a best friend is worse than a break up and right now he completely understands what his mother meant.

“Y/N,” he breathes. When she looks up, he feels like running away - she’s looking at him as if he’s the dirt under her silver heels. He wishes she would stop, that she would run to him and hug him and make everything alright between them again. She’s standing right in front of him but he misses her, misses everything about their friendship and support for each other.

“What do you want, Mendes?” she mutters under her breath. She turns her attention back to her phone, tapping her toe incessantly. Shawn can’t stand the sound of her heel hitting the ground because he remembers that she tends to fidget when she’s upset; the clacking sound is only a reminder of their friendship that had crashed and burned for reasons Shawn still fails to understand.

“Why do you hate me so much?” Shawn blurts out. “I don’t get it, Y/N. We used to be best friends, and one day you just started hating me and I still don’t understand why.”

“Because,” Y/N spits, shoving her phone into her bag. “Because you’re like them now.”

“Who’s ‘them’?”

“All those fake people out there!” Y/N exclaims, her eyes glancing over to the party-goers with a disgusted look plastered on her face. Shawn feels her gaze coming back to him, judging and critical. He feels like he could wither under her stare like a plant in a drought. “Shawn, you’ve changed. You used to be so down to earth, so genuine, but now you’re caught up in the money and fame and corporate bullshit.”

“Am not!” Shawn crosses his arms as he unconsciously clenches his teeth. “That’s such bull-”

“Shawn, you’re the epitome of fake. You’re in a fucking PR relationship.”

“W-What-”

“Don’t even try to argue. It’s so obvious and even your fans know what’s going on.”

Shawn closes his eyes. He wishes that he could argue with her, but arguing in the dark hallway outside of an after party wasn’t the ideal setting to do so. From the outside looking in, he knows it looks like he’s changed but he needs her to know that it’s not true. He needs his best friend back in his life again.

“Look,” Shawn speaks, taking a deep breath. “Let’s ditch this party. I know you don’t like these kinds of events anyway, so I don’t even know why you’re here…”

“My manager made me come.”

“Right. Whatever, let’s just sneak out. Let’s hang out like we used to, okay? I’ve missed you.”

“Don’t you need to get back to fake-dating your ‘girlfriend’?” Y/N snaps, giving Shawn the most sarcastic air quotes she can muster.

“No, fuck that,” he says. Against his better judgment, he takes her hand in his. He’s relieved when she doesn’t try to yank her hand back. “Let’s just go.”

✧*:･ﾟ���*:･ﾟ✧

Thirty minutes later, Shawn finds himself sitting across from Y/N at a dingy old diner on the other side of Hollywood. He watches as she twirls the straw in her chocolate milkshake. She hasn’t said more than three words to him since they left the party, and Shawn feels like trying to salvage their friendship is pointless at this point. Shawn knew from their now-dead friendship that Y/N was a champion at holding grudges - he just never expected to find himself at the other end of one.

“So how’ve you been?” Shawn asks softly. He wants to kick himself for how awkward and nervous he sounds, but he hopes that Y/N will take his nerves as a sign of his genuine interest in rekindling their friendship.

“Fine,” she mumbles. She takes a tiny sip of her chocolate shake. “Slow year.”

Shawn knows that isn’t true. He Googles her name every few weeks and watches every single interview she appears in on YouTube. Y/N’s acting career had taken off in the past few years, and she’d been getting tons of lead roles in TV shows and movies lately. He always gets a pang of jealousy in the pit of his stomach when he sees pictures of her with friends on Instagram, because he knows full well that it could have been him travelling the world with her, experiencing new things with her.

He doesn’t tell her that he’s been keeping tabs on her. “Yeah,” Shawn mutters. “Okay.”

The tension in the air could be cut with a knife. It doesn’t help that the diner is completely empty, save for the old man who owns it and is busy complaining about how “millenials are killing the restaurant business” under his breath. Shawn tries to focus on the owner’s mutterings, desperately wanting to think about something other than the fact that Y/N is totally not into him or the conversation that he’s been trying to keep going.

“I don’t hate you, by the way.”

Shawn’s head snaps up to look at her, eyes wide with shock. “Well, you stopped talking to me out of the blue, so I just assumed you did.”

“Well, I don’t.” She stops twirling her milkshake straw and drops her hands into her lap. She meets his gaze, eyes still hard and lips pressed together in a straight line. “You’ve just...changed.”

“I think we’ve both changed.”

“No.” She shakes her head, letting out an indignant laugh. Shawn winces at the sharpness of her tone. “You’re the one who started doing brand deals, ripping off fans with overpriced tickets and merch, signing PR contracts and betraying your fans…”

“Y/N.” Shawn’s hands are starting to shake; he rubs his thighs over his jeans in an attempt to calm himself down. Her words are cutting deeper than a knife; he can barely stand it.

“You’ve completely betrayed your fans, Shawn. You’ve sold them out to every company that has approached you, taken advantage of their trust. Damn it Shawn, you’re even endorsing overpriced water now, like how stupid is-”

“That wasn’t fucking me!” Shawn slams his hand on the table. The old man stops mumbling about millenials and looks in fear at the angry boy. Y/N is barely fazed, her hard glare still targeting Shawn.

“Oh really?” She narrows her eyes at him. “‘Cause your ass is everywhere these days, every time I turn on the TV-”

“Do you remember how my career started?”

Y/N stops for a second, but rolls her eyes immediately after. “Yeah, at some overpriced convention marketed towards prepubescent teenagers.”

“Before MAGCON,” Shawn interrupts. His eyes plead with her to understand, to see where he’s coming from. “I was just a kid, sitting in my room with a guitar. Singing cover songs and making six second videos even though no one was listening. Because I felt like it. Because it made me happy.”

“Yeah. I remember.”

“Yeah. That’s the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.” A sigh leaves Shawn’s mouth; his eyes drop to his lap as he tries to calm his shaking hands and voice. He’s never felt so heated in his life, like every emotion is about to burst out of his chest. “And then everything just took off and suddenly I was signing with a record label and being thrust into the public eye. I was just a small town kid from Canada, but suddenly people were starting to expect things from me.”

“Shawn-”

“No, please. Hear me out.” The suit on his body was tailored to be comfortable, but in the heat of his rant it feels like it’s suffocating him. “It all went so fast. It was just one song after another and interviews and TV shows and concerts and tours. Everything was just going by so fast and every day, I lost a piece of myself. I was on autopilot, and my team was just signing me up for everything and I would let myself be led by them. Even now, I just sign contracts without thinking and allow myself to be molded by people who only care about money.”

“Shawn, why didn’t you tell me any of this before?” Y/N’s eyes are soft now. She suddenly notices how tired he looks under the makeup that he was forced to wear to the awards event: his sunken eyes, the dark bags under them, the lines that furrowed into his skin between his eyebrows. He looks like he’s barely hanging on to life, like the walls are caving in and he’s been trying to hold them up. She wishes she would have noticed earlier how lifeless he looks. “We were best friends, you could have told me about this.”

“Because,” Shawn starts, holding back the sob forcing itself up his throat. “I can’t ever tell anyone because I don’t want to sound ungrateful. I’m grateful, I really am...I’m lucky to have my passion be my career. But I’m so tired, Y/N. I just want to go back to being that kid in his bedroom, playing guitar because he feels like it, not because he signed a contract or because someone else wants him to.” He closes his eyes, sighing, letting his head fall back slightly. He reminds himself to relax his shoulders and take deep breaths. “When I’m on stage, I get to go back to being happy for just a moment. I get to forget about everyone’s expectations, about contracts and brand deals and PR and all the bullshit. I get to be me. Completely free.”

She’s stunned and he knows it. He’s just unloaded all of the burdens he’s been carrying; Shawn doesn’t know how Y/N is going to react, but he feels lighter, he feels better. He just hopes, so desperately, that she’ll understand his brokenness and the wreckage that has been left in his mind as a result of the stress and anxiety of the last few years. He hopes that she’ll understand him for what he is, not what he appears to be.

“So I haven’t changed, Y/N. I’m not like them; I’m like you. Money and fame, it’s just not who we are.”

“Shawn, I’m so sorry.” Her tear-filled eyes move in a frenzy as she realizes the falsity of her words and accusations. “I should have realized that you felt this way and that you were struggling. I’m so sorry for severing our friendship and for not knowing what was going on.”

“No, it’s not your fault. I just…”

Shawn groans as he sees the group of people that have congregated outside the windows of the diner. They both gaze into the parking lot, bombarded by bright flashes and deafened by the sound of cameras shuttering.

“Fuck. It’s the paps.” Shawn groans again, head rolling back in frustration. “How did they find us?”

“They were following your famous ass,” Y/N says, laughing. Shawn smiles; he resists the urge to point out that she’s famous too, and has more followers than him on Instagram.

“Should we leave?” Shawn asks.

“Hell no. They want pics, let’s give them pics.” Shawn watches in awe as Y/N stands up on her seat despite the loud protesting of the owner. She starts waving at them crazily, her peace signs occasionally replaced by a middle finger.

“Fuck you!” she yells in between her laughs. Shawn grins; he finds himself copying her and standing on his own seat. He starts waving at the cameras, reveling in the flashes and dancing like an idiot to the music inside his head.

“Fuck you!” he yells. He’s never felt so liberated in his entire life. He starts posing with her, each pose more ridiculous than the prior. They pretend to tango on the table, screaming when they nearly topple over the edges. He twirls her around, smile growing bigger and bigger with each giggle that leaves her mouth. “It’s been two years and you still suck at dancing,” he cackles. She pretends to gasp, then sticks her tongue out at him and at the paps outside.

Before he realizes what he’s doing, his lips are on hers. She doesn’t kiss back at first, shocked, but when Shawn is about to pull away he feels her hands on the back of his head pulling him closer. Suddenly, there’s nothing else in the entire world besides her; they’re not standing on top of a diner table anymore. It’s like they’re floating and Shawn’s body is leaning into hers and he’s never felt so complete before. The smell of her conditioner makes him forget his own name and he realizes that her lips taste like chocolate and friends aren’t supposed to know how each other taste but he doesn’t care because it’s her and it’s always been her.

When they finally pull away, Shawn’s gasping for breath and Y/N’s eyes are as wide as saucers as she realizes what has just happened. “S-Shawn. Your PR contract…”

“Fuck the PR contract. Let’s give the world something real.” And their lips connect again, for the paparazzi cameras and the whole world to see.

[sand-worms]

fanon illuso rant :) also if you know anything about mass effect fanon...lets go with kaidan rant :)

It's been a very long time since I even bothered to touch the Mass Effect fandom with a ten foot pole but I can go off about some of the common stuff I remember seeing back in like high school

Fanon Illuso is... oh boy. Illuso is literally always either flat out ignored or characterized as like. Very petty and catty and just sort of a cunt and to me he just sort of feels like the character that people put the least amount of thought into among La Squadra (aside from like. Sorbet and Gelato who are so hit or miss with whether they're even included in stuff). I think people's interpretations of Illuso pretty much comes largely from the fact that his stand is based around mirrors and the fact that we know he and Formaggio have some sort of rivalry going on, since he's the only one we canonically see giving Forma shit about his stand ability.

I think my biggest gripe with fanon that I see most often is that people will look at his stand ability and equate the mirror thing with him being vain and shallow which is I think a very... easy? Way to look at it but just sort of feels off to me. Like he's definitely a cunt and we see it very clearly in his fight but I think there's more to him than that? Like I think people tend to view the mirror thing with him as self-obsession in the form of vanity but to me I sort of view it as like? Self-obsession in the form of one's own reflection if that makes any sense? I think there's things that he does and says that sort of suggest that the personality he puts forth is somewhat of a front that he's putting up. He reads very much to me like he has a deep-seated desire to be in control of how others see and perceive him. He clearly does a lot of intel gathering (probably for his own purposes as well as the rest of the team) so I just get the sense that he has to know everything about everyone else, but people can only know about him what he deems is ok for them to know. Like he's self-obsessed but there's some nuance to it besides him just being sort of vain or shallow. But fandom just kind of boils him down to a gossipy instagram thot imo.

Also I want to mention shipping with him briefly because I feel like he's not shipped around that much but I have thoughts on it anyway. Obviously most of the time he's getting shipped with someone it's with Formaggio and I don't necessarily have a problem with Forluso I think it's fine I just personally view it as a relationship that wouldn’t work very well without a third person mediating for them like I think that if anything it's an interesting relationship to explore how they kind of come to a middle ground on things because I think they have a lot of stuff they would have to work through personally idk it's something I could get more into but it's really just a personal interpretation of them but I guess all of this is. The other ship I feel like I've seen like? Enough to be aware of and irked by it is IlluAbba? Which I like... get the appeal of the dynamic I guess but it's like BruPro to me where it feels sort of gross based on the perceived age difference I have between them personally but I digress... Idk maybe it's just because it's not a super appealing dynamic to me to begin with but like. Not everything has to be perceived enemies to lovers sometimes people just try to murder each other in media.

Uhhhhh anyway onto Kaidan... idk I only have a couple things to say about him but I do very clearly remember back in high school when I was more actively looking for mass effect content and more aware of the fandom there was... SO much hate toward Kaidan especially from people who romanced Garrus. He very often got downplayed as like some sort of obstacle to Shakarian or he would be like super jealous and salty about Shepard being in a relationship with Garrus and not with him like... it drove me up a fucking wall every time I saw it. Kaidan is literally just some guy he's like... idk he's somehow got protagonist vibes going on with everything he's got going but he just sort of walks in the opposite direction from it. He just wants to be your buddy and hang out unless it's ME2 in which case he's rightfully pissed at you for being part of cerberus. His romance is genuinely so good particularly in ME3 and I saw so many Garrus fans just like. Hate on him for no good reason. (This is not me being anti-garrus or Garrus stans DNI he's my bestie but come on.)

Idk I guess other than that the only real gripe I maybe have is I guess some people sort of reduce him to some goody-two-shoes boyscout type and it’s like… not really he’s just rightfully pissed at you for joining a cartoon evil organization during ME2 and he’s just like. A good chill dude. Idk he’s like a very powerful biotic and a sweet guy and I love him so much Kaidan haters DNI.

[aflyingcontradiction]

aflyingcontradiction reads a women’s magazine - Installment 2

As I threatened two weeks ago, I just received the second magazine in my free trial subscription (Freundin 14/2020) and here’s my reaction log.

The cover lady is actually a woman of colour this time. I wonder whether this particular magazine tries to match its diversity to the actual diversity of German women or whether this is a one-off. ‘Cause most of the women’s magazines I see in supermarkets around here tend to have a never-ending barrage of long-haired blonde white women on the cover (and stereotypes aside, nah, we don’t all look like that.)

We immediately start out with some plague content: The editorial staff answer the question “Our lives have changed a lot in this crisis. Tell us what you do more frequently or less frequently these days.” Fortunately, the answers aren’t ALL of the uplifting variety, so it’s not too nauseating.

There’s a “Six heroes of the crisis” feature later in the magazine that almost-but-not-quite crosses the line into nauseatingly uplifting (the “not quite” being that the tone is at least sometimes “We’re helping to make things less shit, but let’s not forget that that’s because THINGS ARE CURRENTLY SHIT!” Personally, I would have preferred less focus on these specific instagram models - no, really, several of them are - and their lives and more on the projects they started and the problems they’re trying to solve, especially because each feature was only about half a page long, but oh well.)

Again with the vapid interviews. They’ve literally managed to get a Green party member of a state parliament and what do they ask her? “What makes you a good friend?” Just ... how shallow do they think the average German woman between the ages of 25 and 49 is, exactly? Surely, you can manage to maintain the feel-good vibe you’re going for while also not being completely condescending!

Half the content is still actually ads for overprized products. I wonder whether this is aspirational or whether it’s actually common to spend 20 € on a single piece of costume jewellery.

There’s a pretty decent if basic article about anxiety (basically: anxiety disorders - what are they? How can you tell you have one? Here’s where you can get help and this is what some forms of therapy look like). I think it’s good that a mainstream magazine acknowledges and talks about mental health issues that affect a lot of people - I assume my social bubble of “everyone is a mess and perfectly willing to admit it, at least to some extent” is not most people’s experience of the conversation around mental illness.

Somewhat hilariously, the only non-condescending interview I’ve found so far is with a woman who founded a “social plant nursery” (where she grows flowers organically and employs people who would otherwise be unemployable due to various mental health issues - and hopefully pays them properly, but they didn’t ask her about that.) At any rate, they asked her actual questions about her project and the philosophy behind it, about the importance of the project to herself, her employees and wider society, etc. I mean, they did also ask her about her favourite flower, but most of the questions were actually, dare I say it, relevant. Now if they could manage to do the same thing next time they interview a politican, that would be lovely.

There’s an article about the importance of eye contact, some of which is genuinely interesting, but I have no love for the shame-y “People these days look at their phones instead of other people on public transport” intro. Germans already stare at strangers too damn much (myself included, tbh) - we do not need encouragement. Please, everybody, keep looking at your phones!

Some of the ads are seriously pernicious. There’s a two-page “article” on the *cough* science *cough* behind a weight-loss supplement that I very nearly took for - erm - ad-adjacent content before I spotted the little “Advertisement” note at the top of the page and realised it was just a good old-fashioned ad-ad.

Okay, so I was wrong - there are a few non-condescending interviews in here. One of them is with a heart surgeon who also researches the connection of mental health and heart health. The interview is, of course, as dumbed down as they could possibly make it, but at least they asked him actual questions and not “What’s your favourite place in the world?”. I like that the article has a little info box on how the symptoms of a heart attack in women often differ from those in men.

Wow. Just wow. The article immediately following the heart surgeon interview is a three-pager on homeopathic remedies for children The intro: “Homeopathy is frequently discussed. It is true that not everybody is happy with this alternative form of therapy. However, it is also a fact that many parents swear by globuli as a gentle treatment for their children’s minor medical problems or to supplement conventional medicine.” That’s certainly one way of not technically lying. Many parents do, in fact, swear by homeopathy. Ideally they would stop doing that, but I suppose it is undeniable that they do. Also, the German text uses the term “Schulmedizin” for, ya know, medicine, which I hate with a passion. In fact, I hate literally everything about this. Also, all the “medical issues” that they list as being treatable with homeopathy are also fucking treatable with a kiss, a cuddle, potentially some bed rest and a hot cup of tea. They even included home sickness. HOME SICKNESS! (Mind, the book on homeopathy that my dad made me read in an unsuccessful bid to convince me to switch to homeopathy for my chronic illness included a treatment for masturbation in children, so it could be worse). ... I. am. going. to. break. things.

Apparently there’s such a thing as “organic water”. Okay then.

And yet more plague content: “Since the start of #stayathome, I’ve been paying a lot more attention to my neighbours and noticed that their lives are actually just as boring and flawed as mine”. Great realisation, now kindly stop writing self-congratulatory opinion pieces about spying on your neighbours. Or maybe just stop spying on your neighbours. Jeez, lady.

The horoscope on the final page tells me I’m afraid of change. I don’t think I needed the stars to tell me that, thanks though.

The magazine came with a little extra-booklet of summer holiday destinations in Germany - somewhat more realistic than last edition’s very optimistic international travel tips, but I doubt all the attractions they mention have actually reopened.

[astracola]

so because a3 is still relatively new (locally at least) i wanted to do a small introduction post to introduce my muses from it! i haven’t dropped in any headcanons (yet) so this’ll just be basic early game canon or character traits i think are neat. deadass i’m out here with half the cast i don’t know why i’m like this either frankly.

AZUMA YUKISHIRO

one of the oldest members of the company, likely in his early thirties. somehow manages to “defy aging” with his makeup skills and natural beauty.

he is fully aware of how pretty he is, thank you for asking.

a big brother to all.

gentle, easygoing, and calm, even in crisis or under stress.

have you met a professional cuddler. now you have.

noted to have an alluring personality and high sex appeal, because that’s great. likes to flirt a lot, and is very direct. says things that he definitely probably shouldn’t.

not much is known about his past, even among those in the company and his own troupe (winter), he keeps it this way intentionally. it’s implied he might have once been a host, as when he left his prior work to pursue acting, his clients were devastated.

skilled at poker and similar card games.

ITARU CHIGASAKI

what’s up gamers.

prince archetype. even within the major company he works for as an elite employee, he’s well respected/regarded. feels refreshing and calming to be around.

very, very handsome. like holy shit.

“two modes”. the professional look he gives for his work and in public--and the exact mode that give him his prince-like associations, and how he is in private. his public persona is mostly facade, though his compassion and caring nature is genuine. his “true self” is a hardcore gamer and otaku, like this, he curses more frequently and comes off rude or lazy.

he likes to keep these two personas separate, understandably. with most personal relationships, he holds everyone at a distance.

he works in finances, and not much is known about his passion for acting or if he has much of one at all. regardless of this, he’s a member of the spring troupe.

he often uses gaming and internet terms in his speech, especially in his “casual/gamer” mode.

to him, mankai is where he can truly be himself.  

KAZUNARI MIYOSHI

voted most likely to quote vines irl. a literal influencer. always on top of the latest trends

a member of the summer troupe, he assumes he’s friends with everyone he meets--no questions asked, even if they come off rather abrasive. great social skills! he talks to anyone and everyone like he’s known them for years, so he’s easy to get along with.

a graphic design student, he makes the fliers for mankai. his skill is in illustration, and he has just as much passion for it as he does with acting.

you literally can NOT say he isn’t fashionable. that’s his shtick.

lowkey (but highkey) flirty with anyone he’s interested in. you know. casual.

despite his carefree attitude, he chooses his words carefully to leave those he meets with the best impression of him. he thinks so long as he befriends people, things are fine, even if a lot of those friendships are shallow at their best.

you get a nickname! and YOU get a nickname! and yo-

updates his social media daily and often. instagram, twitter, line, etc.

MASUMI USUI

a member of the spring troupe, he only joined up with mankai because he fell in love with the director in a moment of “love at first sight”. obviously, this isn’t requited. he does everything he can to try and impress her, despite having little interest in acting itself.

a bit of a “bad boy” trope, a rebel and troublemaker. he’s standoffish and rude to practically everyone else.  comes across as cold and indifferent.

good at memorization! this comes in handy with their scripts.

his parents travel abroad often, so his family life is ... questionable, he has little restrictions at home and lives a carefree lifestyle, which feeds into his indifference

has a lot of female fans AND a fanclub at school thanks to his looks. he doesnt care for that shit at all tbqh.

he flirts ... a lot ... if he’s interested in you romantically ... but so far that’s only directed AT the director herself and it’s embarrassing. lovesick puppy.

i’m so sorry for him and anyone that tries to talk to him he’s kind of a dick.

MISUMI IKARUGA

honestly the definition of “bro i am just vibing.”

hard to understand, just a generally confusing person. not much is known about him or his past! he just sort of...showed up one day, crashing in the mankai dorms and becoming a member of the summer troupe shortly after.

his physical capabilities are really impressive, up to and including scaling walls and running up to ceilings. he took to acting really easily as well, and his skill in it surprised almost everyone. his wide range in characters and how easily he shifts into them implies past experience.

constantly thinking about triangles, and collects everything in a triangle shape, eats triangle food...you know how it is. the local children have dubbed him the “triangle-alien!”

enthusiastic and eccentric are the best words to describe him.

he just kind of does whatever he feels like doing, seemingly without much thought. this includes: trespassing, and stealing stuff from others (usually food). just right out of your hands.

really good at communicating with animals! it seems they have a mutual understanding.

hardcore parkour

MUKU SAKISAKA

baby (professionally diagnosed).

his motto is deadass “do one good deed each day” he is a BABY

memorizes and treasures shoujo manga, taking the male figures as inspirations. he deeply admires princes and wants to become prince-like one day.

modest, kind, and easily flustered when it comes to praise. also a lot of anxiety? he thought one of the other summer troupe members was a ghost out to get him when it was first suggested and he really thought it was because he left a single grain of rice on his plate when he was five. he’s just like this.

persecution complex.

just really...pure...

he used to do track and field, but he wasn’t passionate about it despite being the team’s ace. he only joined because he read a manga where the protagonist was on track, so he followed in his footsteps. he only quit after an injury he sustained that forever kept him from performing at his best ever again.

can recite fairytales from memory!

SAKUYA SAKUMA

sunshine embodied, the leader of mankai’s spring troupe! he was the first member of mankai, and despite his lack of skill he’s incredibly passionate about acting. he puts all of himself in everything he does. super ambitious!! 

:) auditioned because of family issues, you know how it goes. ( he’s an orphan, and his new family was only really interested in what mankai could bring them, rather than his own interests.)

open and honest to a fault, he also tends to be a bit naive. he’s trying his best to be a little more independent, but that’s a long process. otherwise enthusiastic, easygoing, and positive, gets along well with pretty much everyone!

naturally lucky! give him your phone for gacha pulls.

skilled at remembering faces and names!

he still carries the script for romeo & julius, the first play the mankai company ever performed. he looks at it if he ever feels lonely, as the company feels like a family to him.

would really like to play a ruthless villain in the future, because that’s so different from what he actually is.

TAICHI NANAO

i assign you with “puppy”. a member of the autumn troupe, he has a very hyperactive personality! one of his biggest aspirations is to be popular and liked/noticed by others.

a prime example of this are his yo-yo skills and hyper origami, at the peak of their popularity he took to trying to master both, but by the time he had no one was interested anymore, and he felt horribly defeated.

his first dose of minor fame came from a minor acting role with his classmates, whose admiration he gained for his skill. ever since, he’s been trying to get this level of attention back ever since.

very in-the-know when it comes to the latest trends, because of this! fashion, past times, you name it.

needs recognition as a way to validate himself, to an unhealthy degree. he’s easily discouraged when met with criticism or when given a role he has little confidence in.

noisy and generally upbeat, and maintains an optimistic attitude despite his own lack of self-confidence.

TENMA SUMERAGI

essentially raised in the world of acting, he’s a former child prodigy who still stars in programs outside of the company.

because both of his parents are movie stars, and because of his own past, he has great faith in his abilities and hates to lose. high confidence to the point of being a bit egotistical.

“oresama” trope. his cocky attitude has gotten him into a bit of trouble with his fellow actors. as a result, prior to joining the mankai company, he didn’t have a lot of friends.

leader of the summer troupe, becoming a part of the troupe has forced him to learn to humble himself and learn to empathize. at the same time, he joined the company to overcome his weakness in performing in front of live audiences. in film, the mistakes can be edited, live? there’s a chance to disappoint the audience, and worse yet, his parents. he wants to overcome this fear and grow to be a better actor.

no sense of direction, despite his protests. also easily frightened when it comes to “scary things.” think of the classics: ghosts, abandoned places, etc.

really wants to play the role of a “bad guy” to expand his horizons, he’s often placed in cool or suave roles on tv.

TSUMUGI TSUKIOKA

the gentle, soft-spoken leader of the winter troupe! he’s said to take on his grandmother’s personality, often playing the mediator when it comes to conflict and holds a great desire for harmony

extremely!! empathetic!! to a fault, because of his empathy and sensibility, it seeps into his confidence, making him doubt himself and his own abilities--especially with acting. he’s not all that assertive either, as a result.

the mankai company is helping him grow, nowadays, he has a little more faith in himself, though he’s still rather shy.

dabbled in acting before back in university before reigniting the spark with mankai. he withdrew after intense criticism and watching his fellow theater students pass by him in ability, and it led to an intense falling out with a childhood friend (said friend is now also a part of the winter troupe)

psychology major and part-time tutor

really fucking good at rock paper scissors

he has a passion for gardening, thanks to his grandmother. he understands the language of flowers and often takes care of them.

[beachbabywrites]

SFW A-Z Headcanons // Coco St. Pierre Vanderbilt

A - Attractive what do they find attractive about the other?

Legs, legs, legs. She loves when you wear tight jeans or a short dress to show them off.

B - Baby do they want to have a family? why/why not?

There are times Coco thinks she would like to have children but those are fleeting. She knows she not mature enough to raise children, not to mention children terrify her.

C - Cat are they a cat or dog person?

She's a dog person, but a small dog person. If it is higher than her knees it makes her anxious.

D - Dates what are dates with them like?

From the outside, dates tend to appear perfect, intsa-ready and over the top, but there is always a moment where something goes wrong. Surprise thunderstorm that wouldn't have been a surprise if someone checked the local weather; a ticket for accidentally littering, losing the VIP area bracelet so you're refused re-entry at a concert, someone gets too drunk to walk home afterward.

E - Everything "you are my -------"

“You are my best friend.”

F - Feelings when did they know they were falling in love?

Coco realized she loved you when she began to think about you each time she listened to Taylor Swift. The love songs all related back to how she felt when she was around you.

G - Giggle what is their laugh like?

Her laugh is loud, she has a tendency to snort which she hates so she tries to change the way she laughs. Coco laughs at the most inappropriate thing, it's like hanging out with a middle-school-aged kid.

H - Hand/Hold how do they like to hold? how do they like to hold hands?

The only time she will hold your hand is when she's jealous. She prefers other methods of PDA.

I - Impressions first impressions

When you first met Coco at the Academy, you had heard several of the other girls talking about how spoiled and bratty she was, so you went in with guards up, already disliking her a bit. You were very short with her for a couple days until you realized, yeah she's spoiled, but she's funny.

Coco couldn't figure out what you'd done to make you not like her, so she was constantly on the offense, trying to hurt you before you hurt her. It stayed that way until one day in class, Zoe teamed you up with Coco instead of letting Coco work with Mallory. The tension melted away quickly and the two of you became quick friends.

J - Joker are they into pulling pranks?

She likes to pull pranks and they tend to be the most obnoxious kind.

K - Kisses how do they kiss?

Short and sweet kisses, her hand cupping your chin, but most often she gives butterfly kisses.

L - Little things what little things do they love/notice?

She loves when you take candid photos of her. When you text her first thing in the morning if you can't be with her, she loves that you answer your phone no matter what time she calls you.

M - Memory their favorite moment together

Her favorite memory of the two of you was the first time Mallory found out you were together. Mallory, after being prompted by Madison, asked about your relationship. Coco's heart glowed as you smiled over at her and confidently said, 'Yeah, I think we're dating?"

N - Nickel do they spoil the person they love?

She absolutely spoils you, with extravagant vacations, nice clothes, etc. Every time she goes out she ends up coming home with two bags of 'I thought of you when I saw these' items

O - Orange what color reminds them of their other half?

Yellow, bright, sunshiney yellow; But also millennial pink... and maybe lavender. An easier question to answer would be 'what color doesn't remind her of you?' The answer? gray.

P - Petnames what pet names do they use?

Outside of her relationships, Coco gloats that pet names make her sick. But she comes up with the worst pet names herself when she's in love. Honey bunny, sugar bear, angel cake, literally she uses the first two words to pop into her head at the moment.

Q - Questions what are the questions they're always asking?

"What are we doing for dinner?"

"Do we have to get out of bed?"

"Will you take a photo of me real quick for instagram?"

R - Romantic are they romantic?

She is very romantic. She plans the best dates.

S - Sad how do they cheer themselves up?

Coco makes a whole day out of cheering herself up. She will throw a face mask on, schedule a mani/pedi, order some lunch and pop open a bottle of wine while she sits on the couch in her 'gym clothes' watching either soap operas or reality tv.

T - Talking what do they love to talk about?

She can and will talk about everything for hours if she's given the chance. Specifically, things she wants to do with you. Somethings are mentioned once then never again. She likes to mention hobbies she would like to try while she scrolling mindlessly through Pinterest, 90 percent of the time she forgets about it within a matter of days.

U - Unbearable what habit do they have that's unbearable?

She is on her phone constantly, it especially bothers you when you're trying to spend time together and she's taking pictures for her Instagram story.

V - Very their thoughts about each other

Very Gorgeous, beautiful, funny, kind, intelligent. She thinks the world of you and she's not afraid to admit it. Except to Madison, when she senses weakness she goes in for the kill.

W - Why reasons they love each other

Coco knows she can be shallow and annoying sometimes, she is very insecure about how other people view her as, but you don't put up with her insecurities. You constantly, patiently, reassure her that you love her, that you would do anything in the world to keep her happy. She loves that you see her for who she really is, not just her father's money. She loves you because you love her.

X - Xylophone what's their song?

Wildest Dreams by Taylor Swift or if she's feeling playful she will claim its Hands To Myself by Selena Gomez

Y - You "you're the ---- to my ----"

"You're the sun to my flower."  

Z - Zebra if they wanted a pet what would they get?

Fish. They are low maintenance.

[veroticker]

After the kiss - Lauren Layne

Summary (from Lauren Layne’s website)

Julie Greene loves flings. Loves steamy first dates, sizzling first kisses, and every now and then, that first sexy romp between the sheets. Comfy pants, sleepy Sundays, movie nights on the couch? Shudder. But when Julie gets assigned the hardest story of her career—a first-person account of that magical shift between dating and “I do”—she’ll need a man brave enough to give a total commitment-phobe a chance at more.

Normally, Mitchell Forbes would be exactly that man. A devastatingly hot workaholic who tends to stay in relationships for far too long, he should be the perfect subject for Julie’s “research.” But what Julie doesn’t know is that Mitchell is looking to cut loose for once in his life. And the leggy journalist notorious for avoiding love is exactly the type of no-strings fling he’s looking for. In other words, Mitchell is the polar opposite of what Julie needs right now. And, at the same time, he’s exactly what she wants.

Blurb

“Mitchell’s gaze raked over the unfamiliar blonde. “Who is she?”

“Julie Greene? One of the Stiletto girls?”

“Stiletto? As in the shoe?”

“God, you need to get out more. Not the shoe. The magazine. Julie Greene, Grace Brighton, and Riley McKenna are practically the faces of the publication. The society pages call them Dating, Love, and Sex. Privately, I think of them as Kiss, Cuddle, and Fuck.”

Mitchell winced. “You’re disgusting.”

“True. But this girl is still perfect for our purposes. Julie lives for carefree dating. She’s got a different guy every other week. I know a couple of her exes, and neither has said a bad word about her other than that she kicked them to the curb after a few dates. No drama, no expectation of jewelry . . .”

Mitchell looked at her more closely. She was attractive in a predictable, manufactured sort of way. She looked like California chic had collided with East Coast reserve and gotten it all wrong. Her pink dress fell respectably to her knees, but clung just a touch too tightly in the hips to be subtle. And her hair was a mess of light brown and yellow streaks. He hated hair like that. Women should either stick with their natural color (which was probably mouse brown in Ms. Greene’s case) or dye it and embrace their bottle-blonde status. Those colored strips—what did women call them? Highlights—were just so damned obvious.

Julie threw back her head and laughed, not caring that several people turned and stared. Mitchell’s lips tightened with disapproval. No subtlety. Not his type at all.

Which meant there was no danger of him getting too involved.

He handed Colin his glass and adjusted his glasses slightly, resisting the urge to smile. The bet was too easy—and he could practically taste the beer at Yankee Stadium.”

(review under the cut)

Review

Very first novel in the Stiletto & Oxford series, AFTER THE KISS introduces all the major characters (almost) and the dynamic between said characters. It may be one of the weakest novels in the series, but it’s still quite enjoyable, thanks to the humor, the hot sex and the compelling characters.

Julie, our main female character, is a total klutz regarding serious relationships and taking care of a man--she doesn’t cook, okay, but she fucks up frozen pizzas? Really? She’s shallow and manipulative at first. You’d think you’d hate the character. But she’s actually just ignorant, and who can’t relate to that? She learns of her mistakes and suffers from her failures. You’ll love her.

And although the relationship is fake from both sides at first, we kind of witness how a simple fling evolves in deeper feelings, and it’s adorable. Of course, there’ll be some angst, but it makes for the most romantic ending you can imagine.

Enjoy a quick and fun read from a very talented writer!

Quickie

Series: Stiletto #1

Hashtags: #bet #work assignment #building relationship

Main couple: Julie Greene & Mitchell Forbes

Hotness: 4/5

Romance: 4/5

+ the relationship between the stiletto girls

- I thought Mitchell’s reactions were a bit confusing at times

Stalker mode

You can suscribe to Lauren Layne’s newsletter on her website.

You can also follow her on Instagram.

She also has a Facebook page, but she’s much more active on Insta.

If you want to enjoy AFTER THE KISS while being less passive, you can “play” the story on Chapters app.

[mordigen]

Unpopular opinion: I can’t stand king & queen

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but: your boytoy is not a king. Your sidechick is not a queen. Stop calling them one.

I hate this. So very, very much. Just about as much as people calling women ‘females’. 

What?? But Why! I mean, it’s positive! It’s encouraging! It’s supportive and beautiful! And is so much better than other things you could be calling men/women. 

No. Incorrect. Not havin’ it. It’s fake. It’s arrogant, narcissistic even, it’s enabling and feeding a sense of entitlement and grandeur that 99% of people don’t ever need blowing up in their precious little egos. And it, plainly, is just not fucking true - and I have a thing against non-truths. To my very core. I despise them. 

See, King & Queen actually mean something to a shit ton of people. It is a title that must be earned or bestowed, either through great feats, or by birth right. It is a heavy burden, a highest servitude, a noble undertaking that can bring peace and progression and great leadership, or horror and terror and the plagues of broken seals. Either way it goes - it is not something to be taken lightly, and certainly not something to be so hollow and glib about. Not to mention, if everyone is calling their BFs and GFs kings and queens, what the hell makes being one so special?  Answer: Nothing. It’s not. You’re not. 

Your shallow, face tuned instagram pages littered with photoshop thumbnails and perfectly tweaked filters do not a king/queen make. Just because you have a pussy between your legs, this does not make you some ethereal noble creature worthy of praise, worship and undue loyalty.  Well. Loyalty, OK - unless you guys have an arrangement. That’s your own business. But everything else? No, honey. You are not so special. Same goes for all the menfolk out there who, really, don’t need any more ego stroking as it is. What makes you so high and worthy? What kingdom could you even possibly rule over? Your overpriced designer shih tzu parade? Your over inflated apartment you can’t afford without your other half rushing to move in after knowing each other two months?

They are in love with the idea of this glam and lofty - holier-than-thou lifestyle, where they are the all important Earth in the center of the all-known (but miniscule) Universe conception. This idea also holds a very dysfunctional attachment that they must be the most important figure in their others’ world, and therefore must be the ruler of their created world. The word that sticks out to me there is ruler. But they are completely disassociated with the idea of what it really means to be a King or Queen at all - they just like the aesthetic. But to anyone who has lived under a King or Queen, whether they loved them and laid down their weapons at their feet, or felt the bitter, scathing yoke of such governing - it just sounds. Well - trashy. What makes it even worse is that more often than not, these people who decide to use these words tend not to be the shining examples of royalty - in fact, they are usually the exact opposite. Which just makes my eye twitch even more. Uhg. 

See - I come from a culture where the the King/Queen were held to high and strict standards that were, for all intents and purposes, pretty damn progressive. Even for today, let alone the time which they reigned. If you didn’t live up to these expectations, you could be ousted by the people and killed for treason - to the people/realm, or basically in lieu of jail time, you were indentured until you had ‘righted’ your ‘wrongs’, paid your debts (to society) or ‘learned your lesson’. Or just until the people thought you had been tormented enough to know how it feels. Whichever was the flavor of the day.  They had a profound duty to their countrymen, and to their realm, and it was not taken lightly by either party - whether their intentions were pure or corrupt, it was a big deal with a heavy workload and a high ante - and when they garnered praise and worship, it was for a damn good reason. Take a page from history, those who relished in their own glory and grandiosity and lavish lifestyles usually found their heads on spikes.

Mmm. So endearing. 

[youcantfiremebecauseiquit]

Do you like Courtney Love? And if you do is it because of her Nirvana/Kurt connection or because you just think she’s awesome for herself? Thanks in advance for your time in answering this. ☠️🤟

Yes, of course! I’d say I reblog/post on her quite a lot here, maybe even too much, but yeah, she’s my favourite woman in rock music. Of course Courtney has a lot of flaws and she’s not perfect, but people treat her waaay too harsh. Sure she’s awesome for herself, to me Hole and Nirvana are kind of separate worlds in some ways, even though Kurt & Courtney were great together and they were an example of a very interesting & inspiring relationship, because they both made music, both had successful bands & to me because of that they were equal. I know people mostly look down on Courtney and say she’s only famous because she married the right person, but anyone who’s not sexist or misogynistic and actually takes time to read/listen to C.Love without an immediate mindset that she killed Kurt, “she’s a talentless fame whore” etc. can see she’s very intelligent and in my opinion she had as much to say as Kurt and had a huge impact on people, especially girls. 

But that’s another subject. I;ve got to admit however I got into Hole through Nirvana. I knew about her vaguely before, by vaguely I mean I’ve seen her on tv or elsewhere but didn’t really know who she was. She played a show in my country in 2010 and she was the main star at the big festival (i regret i didn’t go, but I started to listen to her about 1 year later!)  It was the time of Nobody’s Daughter release and general public was rather hateful towards her. The only rock magazine in my country wrote a bad article about her, mostly spitting on ND and bringing up how she’s on drugs & how she showed her tits on David Letterman show. (I don;t think it was anything particularly smart or bad either. But it’s ironic how that particular occurence was deemed literally Courtney’s “biggest fall from grace” & now 16 years on somebody’s showing their tits daily on tv, mtv, instagram etc. & it’s consider oh so empowering.) Magazines also mocked her because of plastic surgeries... and let’s be honest plastic surgeries weren’t as normalized as they’re now.  In my country they were only achievable to celebrities. Now everybody pushes out their lips & botches their faces a lot so i think these procedures got more affortable. 10 years ago surgeries were considered something really vain however, so they mocked Courtney Love. In my opinion Courtney should have stopped in 1996, she looked her hottest in 1996. She looked great but later she got a nose that made her look like Madonna, and then continued to overdo it. But it’s her choice, now she kinda has no way now. I just think it’s kind of low however to mock her for having her 1st nosejob.  I’d say her first nosejob was understandable, she wanted to improve her appearance and kind of get rid of her father’s genetics, so it was more of cosmetic surgery. I read Kim Gordon’s book and I was disgusted how Kim mocked Courtney for getting the FIRST nosejob, for having any procedures at ALL. She describes her nosejob scar at POTI sessions and she shades her for surgery in general, (that same old mindset plastic surgery=being vain) which only made her looked shallow, not Courtney. Ok too much talk on the nosejobs though, back to the subject.

Then in 2011 I discovered Nirvana and it was very important band to me, that was a band of outsiders, I could relate to Kurt & his story. They introduced me to a lot of underground punk rock and good bands. Tbh i was very surprised that his wife had her own band. I listened to Violet first and then other songs and i could tell immediately it’s great music. That was something I searched for, a woman that plays guitar herself and sings with a low & harsh voice. A woman that plays noisy punk music but doesn’t try to be a man. Joan Jett is great, L7 too but they’re more like the tomboy chicks always in trousers that very masculine, you know. I didn’t like that if you wanted to be a woman in rock music, you had to always IMPRESS, you had to PROVE you’re the same as men. Men can literally slack off and do nothing but they end up being praised, but girls are always questioned - they have to prove they can even play guitars, they have to be able to play complicated poodle metal solos or else they “suck”, they have to dress like boys, etc. I hate that kind of thinking. Courtney didn’t give a fuck, she sang & played as she wanted, sounding in a conventionally “ugly” way. She wore cute girly dresses with a torn punk twist and wouldn’t brush her hair, and she was very confident. She was thousand times more punk than all those rock boys making stupid faces and dressing up in all the rock’n’roll stuff. Or all those rock’n’roll Axl Rose boys with macho rock groupie-fucking mentality. Also soundwise, Pretty On The Inside was extremely noisy. This one is still the heaviest record with female vocals, in the same way In Utero is darker than all the black metal stuff. There are female heavy metal bands, but they sound pop compared to Pretty On The Inside - it’s the darkness & heaviness in the vibe, noise and lyrics, not in the guitar tuning.

Courtney had a low voice & we had the same scale. A lot of female singers have high or pretty voices, which kind of irritated me cause I had no songs to train singing. I learned singing confidently & screaming on Hole’s songs. I also started wearing dresses & skirts again after getting inspired by her looks. She had those doll dresses, which was something new to me. I played guitar and wrote songs, but I always planned only to be a guitarist and to get a singer, but after getting into Hole I got confident enough to sing my lyrics. I guess Courtney Love inspired countless other girls to play/sing/write lyrics and be confident. 

Obviously i read a lot about her, watched documentaries, live shows, bought Dirty Blonde book. Additionally i can say she’s really smart and funny. People that say she doesn’t write her own songs are usually sexist and cannot accept the idea that a woman can write her own songs, or play guitar. Hole’s songs are group effort but people who say Kurt wrote lyrics for Courtney are the worst, Courtney Love has a consistent writing style which becomes even more visible when you read Dirty Blonde. She really should release a poetry book. 

I know Courtney Love possibly did some questionable or controversial things, or that she changed a lot and got into all that red carpet high fashion brands stuff,  I admit i tend to ignore her faults tbh. But people villify her and love to hate her. It’s too easy to take the anger out on her and think she murdered her husband because it’s easier than accepting he really killed himself. It’s really fucking stupid, it’s idiotic how people now rewrite the story, say that Kurt Cobain was a poor little thoughtless Bambi without his own will, that he got pushed into drugs by her or that he wasn’t depressed or suicidal at all, because Buzz Osborne said so (as if talking to him at school or seeing him once a year on tour means he knew about his feelings or private problems, lol. I love Melvins but what Buzz Osborne does is kind of stupid, he speaks as if he was Kurt’s closest friend and lived with him or whatever. People think that just because you’re a funny guy and you laugh it means you can’t be depressed or suicidal. What a bullshit. It’s not like we cannot laugh or behave normally, lol. We don’t sink down and cry every second of our lives. But laughing doesn’t cure depression or deathwish, lol.) Or how people say that Kurt didn’t even love Courtney at all, that she didn’t really want a child but Courtney chained him with pregnancy. Dude... people are really desperate. I think they would eventually get divorced if Kurt lived but it’s not like he never loved her and she forced him to stay.

So coming back, I’m not on the level of praying to her altar everynight or something, but she’s my favourite female musician, i like Courtney & treat her as someone I can resonate with. 

[a-romance-with-misery]

Day 254: A New Reality (3/4/20)

If I were to sum up what has stood out to me this year, the list of things would be overwhelmingly negative in nature. Whether that’d be because of the current miserable situation I, and billions of people around the world are trapped in, or because this year has been unusually bad is up for debate... anyhow...

I have an obsession with checking the statistics surrounding SARS-Cov-2, colloquially known as “the coronavirus”. As it stands (10pm Eastern/ NY time) on April 3rd, over 1,098,000 people have tested positive for the virus and over 59,000 have died from it. China (the place of origin for the virus) now, in official records, ranks 5th behind the U.S., Italy, Spain, and Germany in that order. In terms of overall deaths, China is now 6th behind Italy, Spain, U.S., France, and the U.K.

Focusing around the U.S., there have been over 270,000 confirmed cases and over 7,000 deaths so far. The rate of increase is slowing somewhat, but not at all enough to even say exponential growth of cases and deaths is over...

My family has been limiting shopping to once per two weeks. We wore masks, brought Clorox wipes, and kept our distance from other shoppers in every store we went to. And we were not at all alone in this trend. The CDC is now recommending people in the American populace to wear basic cloth masks when outside and to keep at least 6 ft apart from each other. This, of course, has not been followed by everyone nor is it entirely feasible to be followed by everyone. New York City has unofficially become the new epicentre of the pandemic as they record thousands of new cases and hundreds of new deaths everyday.

Life has changed drastically in a short period of time for so many. Over 6.6 million Americans have become unemployed at this point. Close to 3/4 of the nation is under a stay-at-home order/ been told to shelter in place. A sniffle or a cough is greeted with glares and nervous whispering in public. This is an event which will be remembered for an entire generation...

Some days, I’m angry. Some days, I’m fatigued beyond belief. Some days, I’m gripped by sadness and find myself unable to even perform the basic function of eating. Most days, however, I am fearful. I am scared.

Looking back at past pandemics, things came to pass after a year or two. Things settled down, albeit often with thousands gone, and life often returned to normal. It may sound insane, but I can’t imagine that happening this time. This virus has caused upheaval around the globe and has stunted the world economy. Thousands are already dead, and thousands, if not millions, are predicted to die. Hell, in the U.S. alone, a tenuous prediction of 100,000-240,000 American fatalities are being predicted from this pandemic. Most of this fear comes from the fact we don’t know when this event will end. We don’t know whether this is just the very beginning of the outbreak, whether we’re already near the peak and the worst will come to pass soon, or if we’re somewhere in the middle, with the light at the end of the tunnel rapidly approaching, but not nearly fast enough. Fear of what’s to come has led to a toxic political environment (especially given this is an election year), fear has fueled the rise of conspiracy theories, fear has crippled this and so many other nations. At this point in time, however, I can only see fear when reflecting upon my future. No tomorrow is guaranteed, especially given the severe symptoms of this virus and the high chance I will eventually be infected alongside the rest of my family despite our best efforts...

On a much lighter note, I want to talk about my crushes from previous years. I’ve had an unsual amount of time to reflect on myself, and this was one subject I had never broached until recently when evaluating who I am. Even bolder, I plan on including these people’s first names, because I have nothing left to lose. My emotional state right now can be described as outwardly calm, but inwardly on fire.

Anyhow, here we begin. First, we have Jakob from 9th grade. After I had gotten out of a sort of relationship with a girl (it lasted 6 months, but she eventually realized something that I couldn’t see in myself. I didn’t actually love her, I just thought I did because I had never experienced love before at that point, or really any kind of infatuation for that matter.) I met Jakob through a mutual friend of ours. Now, my first impression of him was...strange to say the least. He seemed friendly enough, but our mutual friend pointed out to me that Jakob has taken pizza from her fridge without her permission. My first impression of this kiddo was that he was vaguely rude, but kind of handsome in a subtle way. He was 5’11” (he told me, I didn’t literally measure him), had brown hair, blue eyes, a body on the stockier side, and had a cheeky grin that I would never admit I found super cute on him. Anyhow, I later discovered he was in my world history class, leading to an actual friendship developing out of that. He’s straight as an arrow and never knew (and still doesn’t know) that I ever had a crush on him. Hell, I only realized years later after another friend of mine asked about my personal life during a walk in the woods. This crush died, however, once he told me a few things my sophomore year of high school. He told me he didn’t believe in climate change and that I wasn’t as liberal as I thought I was (Mind you, this was 2016, an election year). That last comment especially irked me at the time, ultimately crushing any feelings I had for him. To this day, however, I’m still friends with him and hang out with him with another mutual friend of ours, Willow.

We have to jump to 12th grade for my next crush. This one, I barely want to include simply because of how brief it was. In my second semester of 12th grade, I met a kid named Chandler in my calculus class. He has (and still does) a fascination with meteorology, which, at the time, was one of my hobbies as well. He was handsome, I’ll give him that, with a slight scruff, blue eyes, strong jawline, and being on the shorter side (I’m 5’7” and he was shorter than me). This infatuation lasted just a few months, and never actually got that deep. I just remember at the end of my school’s Spring Fling event (where students got out of class early, played games outside and inside, ate food, etc) I spent a significant portion of that time just sitting with Chandler and giving him all my online meteorology resources. We reviewed some of my favourite hurricanes, current (at the time) storms, etc. Plus, I felt sympathy for him as he appeared to have only a few friends at the spring fling. Almost forgot to mention, he’s very straight too. But once again, this is a crush that I’ve come to realize after the fact, so...I mean I don’t know how that makes it better that I lacked self-awareness in the moment but for some reason it feels better?

Finally, we have three different men from my first year of college: Ryan, Carter, and Noah. These, admittedly, were shallow crushes at the time which is why I’m including them together. Ryan is my roommate. Yeah, imagine the emotions that went through my head when a hot guy direct messages me on Instagram to ask me whether I have a roommate for college yet or not. After getting to know him these past several months, I can say with conviction that I now prefer him as a friend. He’s a great guy, and I’m actually rooming with him next year. But I’m comfortable with him in the current position that he has in my life: a close friend who I can rely on (for the most part 😂). He’s hot (can grow a beard, muscular, smells good, and, although I’ve lied to him that I hate it, he generates a lot of body heat, so literally hot), but he’s simply just a great guy too, who’s actually in touch with his emotions (unlike most guys I’m friends with, who tend to be stoic unless they’re really comfortable around me). Plus...he’s over 6’2 I believe, which kind of scares me. Especially at night, where I may be in my bed already and the room’s dark, but he walks in and no matter how many times I tell myself monsters don’t exist, a tall, pale figure with long arms will always look like slenderman to me.

Now, we come to Carter and Noah. I know neither of these men at all, and I mean at all. They are simply physically attractive to me. Carter was the ripped ginger who often walked down my resident hall without a shirt on. He was stunning and I can’t deny that. It didn’t help that early on, I learned he was gay. Also, he was the community manager to my resident hall’s community and was likely nice as a result of this. Or maybe he just happens to be a nice guy and hot, I don’t know some people truly are just unbelievable like that. Noah, on the other hand, I have never seen shirtless. He’s just got an attractive face that gives me military vibes. That’s...something I’m attracted to hA I just choked while writing this...

In essence, I have been attracted to 4 straight guys and 1 gay guy in my life...what a story...

END day 254

No editing, just posting :/

[gethealthy18-blog]

Blogs to Inspire You in 2020

New Post has been published on http://healingawerness.com/news/blogs-to-inspire-you-in-2020/

Blogs to Inspire You in 2020

Did you know that there are over the 600 million blogs in existence right now? CRAZINESS! There is literally a blog out there for everyone. Into cat sweater knitting? There’s a blog for you. How about rare birds of South America? There’s probably a blog for that too. It’s 2020 baby! Anything is possible. And if you’ve been following the blog for years you know that each year I round-up my favorite blogs that I’m currently reading and are inspiring me in the hopes of inspiring you this year too. In the past they’ve all been in the healthy living space but to be honest that category feels too narrow and no human is that one dimensional so for this year’s  round-up I’m sharing some of my favorite blogs to inspire you in 2020 across a bunch of categories including: food, sustainability, clean beauty + lifestyle.

But wait! I thought blogs were dead?

LOL that’s cute. Blogs are very much not dead. Yes, there are many more mediums out there to take in information but blogs are only growing. Some people just turn to social media these days but I often find this content to be a bit shallow and lacking accurate research, testing and occasionally, authenticity. My roots are as a blogger and I’ve always believed in the importance of long-form content so in my opinion blogging isn’t going anywhere.

But Davida – how do you keep up with your favorite blogs?! Great question. Pretty much since I started my own blog in 2013 I have used a blog reader to keep track of the blogs that I read. Currently I use Bloglovin‘ and have found it to be a very effective blog management tool. It’s easy to find bloggers you love and follow them, see their latest content and be inspired by similar bloggers.

Make sure you follow The Healthy Maven on Bloglovin‘

Food Bloggers to Inspire you in 2020

I have and will always turn to food bloggers for days when I’m lacking inspiration on what to cook. These bloggers have tried and true recipes that I know will work. The list is short but trustworthy!

Half Baked Harvest – Tieghan has some of the most creative recipes I’ve seen any blogger create. To be honest, I often make adjustments to her recipes to healthify them slightly but she’s a rockstar when it comes to flavor and creative recipe ideas

Fit Foodie Finds– You cannot go wrong with any of Lee’s recipes. You also can’t be shocked she’s on this list 😉

Lexi’s Clean Kitchen – Love my girl Lexi. Her cookbook is one of my go-tos for easy, healthy weeknight dinners but I also love seeing what she’s sharing on the blog!

Naturally Ella �� Curt and I tend to eat vegetarian most days and that’s when we turn to Erin’s amazing blog. She also lives in California so I feel like her recipes are often inspired by her surroundings which of course, look similar to my own.

Sustainability Blogs to inspire you in 2020

It’s no secret that making more sustainable choices is increasingly becoming a passion of mine. I love being able to learn from my fellow bloggers and consistently create more sustainable habits to have a better impact on the environment. These are the blogs I turn to…

The Well Essentials – my love for Meg and The Well Essentials knows no bounds. In my opinion she defines integrity and creativity in the blogging space. She understands the impact she has on the world both from a sustainability perspective and a human perspective. If you follow one blog this year, let it be this one.

The Good Trade – If you haven’t listened to my podcast episode with The Good Trade founder, AmyAnn Cadwell yet I encourage you to check it out. The Good Trade takes an accessible approach to sustainability and I always finish their content learning something new.

Hello Glow – to be honest, Hello Glow could really fit under a bunch of different blogging categories. Their focus on DIYs and making stuff yourself inspired me to put them under sustainability but to be honest, there’s tons of food, clean beauty and lifestyle content in there as well.

Clean Beauty Blogs to inspire you in 2020

This list is short but sweet! To be honest, there aren’t enough clean beauty blogs out there. There are a lot more clean beauty Youtube channels but in terms of blogging I’d love to see this number rise. Let me know if you guys have any clean beauty blogs you love that I haven’t listed.

Gurl Gone Green

This Organic Girl

Organic Bunny

All 3 of these blogs are similar in that they explore clean beauty. Each lady has a unique perspective to this space so if you’re looking to learn more about clean beauty, corroborate certain products or be inspired by makeup looks, you’ll discover something from each of them.

Lifestyle Blogs to inspire you this year

There are SO many lifestyle blogs out there though to be honest I find a lot of them are now turning to Instagram instead of long-form blog content. This makes me sad as I love hearing the voice of bloggers and going beyond just a quick image and short caption that Instagram has now made popular. Here are some of my favorite lifestyle bloggers…

Jess Ann Kirby – Fashion, ethical brands, slow living and so much more! Jess Ann Kirby’s blog feels like what OG blogging used to be and makes me want to go back in time!

Emily Henderson – I’ll be honest, sometimes I’m a bit overwhelmed by the amount of content Emily Henderson and her team are coming out with, BUT I’m always learning something new, getting inspired by a home DIY project or wanting to completely redesign my bedroom on a daily basis because of everything she shares. So for inspiration, her blog can’t be beat.

Collective Gen – home decor, DIYs, plant mama life – Collective Gen has got it all. If my life could be an aesthetic is would be this blog lol.

* * * * *

This is only a small handful of the many blogs I read. I’m an advocate for not going overboard on the content you take in. I’m no minimalist but I’m cautious about feeling overwhelmed by info and/or if my sources actually inspire me or make me hate my life. If it’s the latter, BYE FELICIA. I’m no longer interested in anyone who makes me feel less than, and neither should you.

So tell me, what blogs are inspiring you in 2020?!

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[bharatiyamedia-blog]

Display time is rising and it is ruining us: 11 methods to chop again

http://tinyurl.com/yx8rq47h Owwwwwww. I grasped the deal with on my baggage and braced to elevate it, however could not. After six hours of torture within the type of nonstop telephone utilization, my palms had been begging for a break. If the epitome of a millennial wake-up name existed, this was it.  I’ve lengthy recognized that I (and many individuals) spend an excessive amount of time on the telephone — and doubtless for no good motive. One way or the other, checking my inbox or swiping by means of Instagram for a couple of minutes isn’t sufficient. “Simply checking one thing actual fast” typically turns right into a 30-minute dopamine-fest of fairly images, double-taps and swipes that by some means make me really feel productive, once I’m not. A 2018 Nielsen study discovered that US adults spend about two hours and 22 minutes per day consuming media on their units, up from the earlier examine. That quantity would not appear to incorporate time spent messaging or, , randomly unlocking your telephone as a result of, who is aware of. For me, that all-inclusive quantity was beginning to hover round 4 hours per day — till I did one thing about it. And, wow, do I really feel higher.  Learn extra: No more than one hour of screen time for kids under 5, says WHO Why could not I put down my telephone? Researchers do not definitively know why smartphones are so addictive, however they’ve some concepts. It could be the phone itself, just like the satisfying sensation of unlocking or tapping the display screen. It may be the suggestions loops created by apps like Facebook and Instagram. (One thing tells me it is principally the latter, however after utilizing the strategies beneath, I believe it is each.) Virtually the entire greatest tech giants have railed towards the evils of an excessive amount of display screen time in recent times, and most have began introducing options or instruments to trace or restrict display screen time. However they’ve monetary incentives to not go too far on this course. We have seen that angle touched on in a New York Occasions report of Apple cracking down on third-party iPhone apps designed to restrict telephone dependancy.  A former Google product supervisor referred to as the smartphone a slot machine that exploits the best way all our brains work: We crave dopamine (the happiness molecule), and our telephones present it. Product designers, he said in a 60 Minutes interview, design merchandise that make the most of this vulnerability and get us hooked. It is actually this straightforward: We’re all Pavlov’s canine.  What’s unsuitable with smartphone dependancy? Moreover the repetitive pressure harm I skilled in my hand, the consequences of telephone dependancy are principally psychological.  Nervousness and telephone utilization proceed to correlate in research, which discover that those who spend a lot of time on their phones also tend to be anxious, depressed or have low shallowness. However identical to we do not know if it is the telephone itself or the apps which are so addictive, we do not know if people who find themselves already anxious spend extreme time on their telephones, or vice versa. Telephone (and app) dependancy is so problematic that a bunch of unfortunate but justified terminology has been created to explain a few of its signs: Nomophobia. Yep, “No-Cell-Phobia.” That’s, the concern of being with out your system.  FOMO. The concern of lacking out.  Ringxiety. Imagined rings or vibrations that lead to checking your telephone typically.  Textiety. Nervousness related to feeling like it’s a must to reply to a textual content message ASAP. How I lower my display screen time down to at least one hour a day If I can do it, so are you able to. After implementing these strategies, I lower greater than three hours of telephone display screen time per day. It was extraordinarily exhausting and I typically exceed an hour, however I really feel so a lot better.  Usually, I really feel much less anxious, however I additionally really feel actually good about giving nonphone duties (like speaking to different people) my undivided consideration (which is difficult to do while you’re at all times reaching in your telephone). Here is what I did.  Make your telephone go grayscale With out all these colours, apps like Instagram, Fb, Snapchat and even information apps, are a lot much less fascinating. This can be a implausible little thoughts trick that labored wonders for me. On an iPhone ( $1,000 at Best Buy), go to Settings > Accessibility > Show Lodging > Shade Filters. Flip this setting on.  Then, go to Settings > Accessibility > Accessibility Shortcut and choose Shade Filters. Now, for these uncommon occasions it’s worthwhile to see your display screen in coloration, you possibly can triple click on your telephone’s facet button. To return to grayscale, triple-click once more.  Disable ‘elevate to wake’ All it takes is slightly nudge and your telephone’s display screen will mild up. Within the automobile or at my desk, I seen these wake-ups would launch me into lengthy, unplanned telephone periods. Disabling the function means your telephone will beckon you a lot much less.  To disable elevate to wake on the iPhone, go to Settings > Show & Brightness. Toggle Elevate to Wake to the off place. Flip off nearly all notifications This trick is wonderful. At first, you may instinctively unlock your telephone to see for those who missed any notifications. Then, as days go, your unlocks will turns into much less frequent as you uncover there’s completely nothing ready there for you.  I disabled notifications for emails (besides from key folks, like my direct friends and supervisor), messages and Google Calendar. That is it.  Delete social media apps No, I’m not kidding. Sure, I’m critical. No, you’ll not die with out Fb. I deleted Facebook a couple of years ago and by no means seemed again. I nearly immediately felt higher, and I believe you’ll, too.  Admittedly, I have not deleted Instagram. As a substitute, I take advantage of the iPhone’s Screen Time feature to restrict the period of time per day I can spend in social media apps, together with Instagram.  Cease pooping along with your telephone Humankind survived millennia with out a rest room companion, and I consider you may dwell, too. Taking your telephone with you to go quantity two shouldn’t be solely gross, it is also a lame excuse to spend extra time checking scores, swiping by means of social media or taking part in video games.  Relying on how lengthy you, ahem, spend within the rest room, this might considerably in the reduction of in your display screen time. Self-discipline your (and your mates’) Googling habits My pals severely hate me for this, but additionally love me for it (I believe). The subsequent time you are debating a factoid over dinner with pals, cease your self and everybody else from grabbing a telephone to google it. For those who by no means do discover out what the state chook of Nebraska is, who cares? In trade, the energetic dialog continued and wasn’t halted by a definitive reality no one is going to remember anyway.  Cease taking so many images Similar to over-googling prevents your mind from retaining info, photo-taking prevents your mind from forming precise reminiscences. In three studies, individuals who did not take images throughout an expertise had considerably extra detailed reminiscences than those that did.  If that is not sufficient of a motive to go away your telephone in your pocket, I do not know what’s.  Depart your telephone behind On the weekends, it takes me a very long time — typically hours — to reply to messages. That is as a result of my telephone isn’t with me. At lunch or on a hike, I depart my telephone behind and spend extra time “dwelling within the second” and away from my display screen. Do not use your telephone as your alarm clock One minute you are setting the morning’s alarm and the subsequent 30 minutes, you are in different apps. Keeping your phone outside the bedroom helps scale back display screen time, however may additionally scale back some nervousness. A recent survey discovered that those that slept close to their telephones had been twice as prone to report nomophobia, too.  Make use of a smartwatch or tracker My greatest telephone dependancy problem was what I name the “rabbit gap.” I might get a notification — even only a textual content message — and instantly I am within the rabbit gap, checking different apps and spending many minutes on my telephone. In some instances, including one other piece of tech into the combination might stop this. Through the use of a smartwatch or health tracker with notification options, you possibly can examine the time and obtain necessary messages with out falling into the rabbit gap.  The key asterisk right here is that smartwatch notifications can simply get out of hand, so you may must be very disciplined about capping the kind of notifications you obtain in your wrist.  Let your family and friends know As with every purpose, letting your family and friends know you are on a journey to scale back display screen time will hold you trustworthy.  The knowledge contained on this article is for academic and informational functions solely and isn’t meant as well being or medical recommendation. At all times seek the advice of a doctor or different certified well being supplier relating to any questions you could have a few medical situation or well being targets. Initially printed April 25, 6 a.m. PT.Replace, April 27: Provides point out of New York Occasions report on Apple and apps designed to restrict telephone dependancy. Source link

[wishingfornever]

1/19/2018 – No Contact:  In Between Important Dates

30 minutes until tomorrow.  You’ll see what it is then.

I woke up this morning, at about 1.  I was in full clothes, the computer was on.  I closed it.  I had an erection and it hurt because my pants were tight and I couldn’t lay properly.  So, my manhood was a bit sore.  I undressed and got in bed.  I felt myself, just to check in.  I felt… longer than usual.  I was beaming before I went to bed.  Incredible, no?

Sorry, I’m sure people aren’t interested to here.  I wasn’t proud of my penis because it was bigger.  I was told by Dennis that if you gain weight, your penis gradually gets smaller.  Not sure how true that is.  But I thought about it, and it being longer?  Yeah.  Maybe I lost weight.

I’m not sure how much but I’m positive I’m gaining again.  I’ll measure this week.  I’ve started exercising again.  Sort of.  I got 30 pound weights.  Not sure if I mentioned that.  Just doing sets of 20 with them.  Nothing major.  I never felt so weak.  Soon, I hope to never feel so strong.  ;)

In high school, my natural dumbell weight before major exercises were 35.  30… that’s a downgrade.  I haven’t done much of anything since then.  A lot of… lying around.  Doing nothing.  Depression.  Not good.

Of course, I also didn’t bathe a lot then either.  I only moved around when I had to.  Depression does that and it was untreated for so long.  I’ve showered more than I have in a long time.  I smell bad smells and I hate them.  I can’t stand them.  Not because my nose is delicate but I’m reminded that I smelled bad, just as they do. I smelled the same as this person in front of me.  I was disgusting.

Probably how I got this skin condition.  When I noticed it, I was in a major depressive episode.

I smell something now.  Not sure what it is.  I don’t like it.  It’s in my room.  Smells like shit.  >:C

Max might have pooped in the corner but dog poop is far stronger than people.  Maybe my underwear?  Can’t be, just changed it.  My pants?  Just put them on?

The bed?  Yeah, maybe.  I guess I should wash the sheets this week, too.  Not tomorrow.  Sunday.  I work tomorrow.

Heh… so, an old friend of mine messaged me.  I searched for her name to see if I messaged her here.  I really should start doing that. Eleanor, my old Scottish friend.  Old… she’s younger than me.  Of course, if you ever get messaged by someone, they want to ask you for something.  People… they tend to not speak to you unless they have to.  Some you’re close with just want to gab, but mostly you get a message from someone you know it’s about business.  Small talk is such a hassle to them.

That’s why I try to plan it.  I go into the conversation, approach it gently.  Try to build it up.  I wait to bring it up.  Unfortunately, that means I sometimes never get the chance to bring it up, so I have to wait again… then I stop messaging them again.  Even if I don’t get to ask what I want.  Usually, I’m depressed when I need something.  I try to be self-reliant but it’s not that easy when you’re feeling low.

Of course, this was proven true.

As I try to, she eased into it.  However, she was a bit early and just BLATANTLY sent 26 or 28 pictures of barely dressed women she affectionately referred to as “Whores.”  Seems her boyfriend was looking up these girls on instagram.  His name with “boobz” followed after it, so it’s not a surprising thing to see.

Backing up… she began basically by apologizing for not speaking to me. Asked how I was, told her I was a pawn of capitalism and told her the US sucked fucking balls, and she said, “Yes, it does look like that.”  More dialogue took place, but that was the gist of it.

Anyways, she tells me she’s been taking anti-depressants which is already weird.  She’s one of the few people I’ve discussed things in depth heavily.  She’s… been around when I’ve had depressive episodes.  At one point, I opened up to her and she sort of said, “Can’t help you.”  She didn’t really have depression but I get she may have anxiety because she’s always worrying about something and she’s SO self-conscious.  Like, very low self-esteem. Claimed to have never been depressed though, so she didn’t understand me and couldn’t relate really.

That said, I’m already surprised but it seems her boyfriend had gone on instagram and was liking all these pictures of barely clothed women. One of these girls was a black woman so I was like, “Well, at least he’s not racist” in my head.  I laughed but I kept it to myself. I had to constantly reassure Eleanor that she was more than pretty. Stereotypical poetic bullshit that keeps women from getting too rambunctious.

She asks if she was beautiful.  More beautiful than the girls he was looking at.  I told her, “As your friend, I ask, ‘Do you have to be?’

As a male, I tell you, ‘Yes. You are WAY more attractive than these bitches.’

And as a poet, I tell you, ‘You are more than beautiful. There is so much to you, so much your feet carry, so much behind your eyes. Your smile so sweetly with such gentle, deep eyes... It's easy to get lost when sharing your gaze. The thought of holding your hands, feeling your soft touch grazing lightly over my skin excites me. I'm driven crazy by your image. All because you are more than beautiful, Eleanor. You are divine.’

Choose your answer.”

She apologizes explaining she’s really upset.  Angry is the word she used.  I tell her not to.  Let it all out.  She asked what I would do in her situation.  I told her to be patient with her BF.  Watch him. See what he does.  If he makes no effort to change then he won’t change.  If he wants to change then he’ll try to change.  I also tell her that he can’t be told to change.  If he was told then he’d do it regardless and wouldn’t commit.  He needs to change on his own accord.  So, he should be on a sort of silent probation.  Ironically, I couldn’t help but think of Esther and Dennis.  This is the sort of thing Dennis should have told Esther but that’s not how it went down.

I crack a joke talking about how one of the girls had resting bitch face.  And she did, I really didn’t think she was that attractive but I’m also kind of shallow, I guess.  I continue to tell her to be patient.  Then I ask if she were feeling better.  Told me, “Yeah I’m fine. You ok” trying not to be the center of attention.  I point out that she dodged the question.

I know what she’s feeling.  Tell her I’m well but I’m concerned for an old friend of mine.  Tell her that this friend is going through a rough time and I want to help her and let her know that I’m here for her if she needs it.  I ask her if I should be subtle or just flatout tell this mysterious other friend of mine.

She says flatout.  Otherwise, she might miss it.  Told me my friend would appreciate it and I shouldn’t worry.  I responded by saying, “Hey, Eleanor. I'm here. I'll always be here. You're a good friend to me and you've been with me when I was going through hard times myself. I figure the least I could do is be there for you.”

She was around but she felt awkward when I needed someone to talk to and no one else was around.  Really, I overplayed her role in my depressive fits but it’s good for her morale.  I know what she was feeling.

Before I had to build up her self-esteem by telling her she’s pretty, I shared two poems.  One was my classic go too that I wrote about autumn.  The other was one I wrote about sex bots sort of.  It’s a touching poem about how there is no love if you’re a robot.  Here it is:

The wind blows, yet I can not feel. Through these narrow eyes, I ask if I can see. The creaking... the creaking that I hear. These are my bones. My arms reach out, grasping for nothing yet something is still there. It's lost to my touch yet held in my hand, a desperate spirit of the abyss. The cold I know is that of my flesh, my body pulled from the earth and tossed to the fire. My birth was a cosmic mistake and my death is an inevitable correction, never to be embraced in life. Even in the flames, there is no warmth. Even in the night, there is no rest. There is only steel.

Yeah, it’s not that long.  But it was enough to make her cry.  It’s how she felt. I told her it was about sex bots and she was like, “Oh.”  I shouldn’t have told her.  I bet it made her feel dumb.  Not my intent but I think she shrugged it off.

After the telling her I would be there for her, we discussed a bit more about her taking medication.  Told me she’ll tell me tomorrow and she couldn’t be bothered tonight.  I’m curious.  Worried, even. She apologized again for not being around when I needed a friend.  I don’t think she realizes how often I needed a friend but I told her to stop apologizing because she’s putting herself down.  She feels guilty and I don’t feel wronged because no harm was done.  Her apologizing is just her thinking she’s a bad person.

Asked me my favorite color.  I suspected this was to change the conversation and could be a nod at one of my most common questions I like to ask.  Filler, something to just fill the gap.  She feels like crap for complaining so she’s asking about me.  I ask her her favorite ice cream.  Ben and Jerry’s Vegan brownie.  I tell her Cherry Garcia, preferably non-dairy.  She says she’s proud of me because she’s vegan.  I remind her that my reasons are my own and I don’t have her discipline to be vegan.

I ask if she’s alone which she replies, she’s watching TV while he sleeps and then tells me if he likes those girls so much then they can cook his food and wash his clothes.  Then tells me she’s mentally ill.  I can relate, Eleanor…  I can relate.

Regardless, I tell her that I won’t judge.  How could I?  Not that I’ll let her know that I can’t.  All she needs to know is that I’m supportive of her and her relationship.  Her bf is dumb but deserves a second chance.  She appreciates that I won’t judge.  Tells me I’m one of the best people she knows in her life and that the phone will be next to her.

Bringing up life like that… pretty extreme.  I do that a bit when I’m thinking suicidal thoughts.

I tell her I’m flattered but her frustration has my attention right now.  I tell her I’ll stay up a bit longer than usual.  If the thoughts in her head gets too loud and she has thoughts that aren’t normally her own, then that’s the time to message me.

Some time passes…  I know she’s just… crying.  Watching TV, probably eating ice cream and just crying.  Stereotypical for a reason.  So, I share the following song… and write the following poem:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XClvMMxBg1k

It’s cold outside.  From where I sit, I can barely see from the back of my eyes.  Before me, the tunnel into the abyss.  A path I’ve feared for so long, I now welcome like an old friend.  My name is called, echoing from the dark road and spoken by my own familiar voice. There is only one path yet I’ve never felt so lost.  It’s cold outside.  My name is called, yet I can not walk.  I can not stand, I can not see, I can not move.  Held back by the lingering burdens in my head.  I can not move.  I can not think.  I can only endure the yelling in my own head knowing it’s only my own voice that yells. The anger, the sorrow, the regret.  The pain of my very existence. It’s cold outside.  These words are not my own.  These words are reminders and reflections but they’re not my own.  My body shivers, my head rocks, and I’ve lost control.  I don’t know how long I’ve been crying but I need to stop.  It’s cold outside.  Every step I take is towards a destination I’m not aware of.  I carry myself blindly, no concern for where the journey leads.  The world feels so empty yet so filled with clutter.  I no longer control my body.  I’m no longer at the helm, no longer the celestial pilot.  I am yet another voice, floating in the abyss.  I can not move.  I have no power.  I can only see myself move.  I can not think.  I have no reign.  I can only hear myself think.  I can not scream.  I have no strength.  I can only feel myself scream.

It’s so cold outside.  But that doesn’t matter anymore.

That’s the end.  Told me that was literally her right now.  I told her I know. Told me I’m such a talented writer.  I wrote what I felt when I felt suicidal.  It’s hardly that poetic.  I should have used “wander” at some point.  Dumb.  >:C

She tells me I made her cry and that she felt lost.  Told her I know.  It hurts in ways she can’t describe.  She tells me she’d give anything to be herself again.

I know.  I know, Eleanor. It’s alright.  It’s alright to cry.

She asks, “Have you been through depression. Like I know you have, but may I ask how you feel?”  I think she worded it wrong, looking back.  Probably what I felt?  Hard to say.  I answered using present tense and as if my feeling was irrelevant with depression at hand.

Told her I was concerned and not depressed right now.  Told her I know what she’s feeling which is why I wrote it.  The song…  Esther and I watched the Tales From the Borderlands playthrough of Cryoatic. We did so together.  That song was part of the OST.  It makes me feel very sad.  It was powerful in the game but… it’s more to me because Esther.  Not to say my loss was more significant than the loss of a fictional character.  I’m trying to say the song means more to me now than it did as it played.

Ironic that I had to explain that…  She later began to recount how she’s such a privileged white girl and she has no reason to cry.  Told me about mothers with stillborn infants, people who watch their parents die, cancer, and then herself… bitching about nothing.  She told me about how her mother talked about people getting a divorce and their parents are dead and they have 2 kids and a dog.  Um…  Specific example?  Alright, lady, calm down.  Let your daughter bitch.  It’s okay.

Whatever. Eleanor immediately asked what my plans were this weekend.  Told her that I’d try to get her to smile again.  Then I told her to ignore her, “mum!” because that’s irrelevant.

Time passes by as well as filler text…  I’m sleepy at this point. Gotta do laundry.  Before I go, I ask if she’s feeling better.  She says she is.  Calls me a really good person… this entire weak. This ENTIRE weak.  People have been nice to me.  They’ve complimented my smile, my politesse, my demeanor, my everything… They’ve said I’m such a nice person and every time they say that I remember that Esther thinks I’m a narcissist.

I’m honest with Eleanor.  Tell her I’m glad she thinks so… maybe I’ll convince her otherwise later this week.  Maybe she took that as a flirt but no.  I’ll explain that there are some people out there who think I’m a narcissist and I’m a dangerous person to associate with.  Then I’ll tell her that sometimes, I think they’re right.

That was basically it.  We exchange a few more words and then we part ways.  Current time 3:00am.  Laundry is done.  Stopped talking 2 hours ago.

It’d appear that somewhere within that time as I wrote everything, she broke down a bit more.  I saw her picture was gone from Facebook and thought she either removed me because of something I said or she deleted her facebook.  Neither, it’d appear.  Then I realize, “Oh, wait… her Facebook photo had her BF in it.”  Then I check her Facebook and sure enough, she’s single.

And she just messaged me.  Told me she found more.  Went a bit more psycho.  D’oh!

I was hoping she’d give him a chance.  But she found more…  Turns out, however, that he had a history for this sort of thing.  Not sure, maybe we’ll talk about it later.  For now, she and I are just talking.

Eleanor has friendzoned me.  I should mention this.  I’m fine with this. Let’s just chat.  Honestly, she’d break up with me in an instant if she saw my FB messenger.  Yeah, I talk to a lot of girls.  >.>

Talking to two old schoolmates, Ariel, an airsoft buddy, and an old friend with benefits.  Strangely, I’ve only slept with one of them.  Hrm…

But I want to sleep with all of them.  Yeah, why not?  A bit more than sleep with with Ariel.  And I might be open to a relationship for the others but we’d have to see.  And that’s only on Facebook within the last few days.  During Esther?  Yeah, I didn’t speak to any of them.  Including Ariel, sort of.  :/

Eh. I can’t win.

Regardless, Eleanor is very sensitive.  I think she’d get jealous if I were to chat with Ariel.  Not sure.  Of course, maybe I can explain things? Don’t know.  I’m not planning to meet her, of course.  I don’t intend to.  And Eleanor friendzoned me already.  This hypothetical situation is more for me saying I’m a bad boyfriend and Esther was right to dump me.

I’m not being nice to myself.  I’ll stop.  ><

I get worried when Eleanor doesn’t get my message right away.  Not because something bad happened but because it has been doing this nice and pleasant… thing.  Where she sends me a screenshot of her conversation with her now ex.  D’oh!

I tried to be impartial and tried to help and tried to get her to calm down and give him one more chance.  But it’s not working.  She’s upset.  Earlier she asked me if she was getting out of hand, asking if she were reasonable.  I wasn’t sure I could answer that question fairly so I told her whatever I tell her will be biased.  Eh. :/

She used to smoke cigarettes.  Started when she was younger.  Just smokes pot now.  She asks if I smoked, told her no because my dad does.  I’ll tell her about what happened soon.

I made her legitimately laugh, though.  That’s good.  That’ll be good for her because of this entire ordeal.  Wasn’t even that funny, we were talking about how shitty British food was and how curry was popular.  Then she mentioned how it had to be after the UK sacked India and I said, “The UK didn’t sack india.  They were just… curry-ous.  ;)”  She told me she actually laughed.

Puns… I prefer when they’re shitty.

Finally managed to get a chance to sleep.  Didn’t expect her to message me. I’m flattered she did but I stayed up an hour longer than I had to.  It’s 4am now.  Going to get a quick bite and then go to bed. Tired…

Oh, fuck!  Laundry!  D’oh!

[midnightinterventions]

bloom later

I started to notice my hair was finally growing back. In April or May, I went to a new hair place where they completely destroyed my hair with their ‘organic’ products. I’ve dyed my hair many times before and my hair still kept it’s strength, until this atrocious place. Soon after, I attempted to straighten it and I vividly remember going over my hair, staring at the mirror, and seeing the chuck of my hair gone. Luckily, it was only a little of my hair, but it still made a difference. Finally my hair seems to be growing and getting a little healthier with all the choices I’ve been making, but every time I get this hope in my heart and see myself feeling good about these things it makes me wonder if this is the thing that’ll make me happy. 

That thought makes my heart drop into my stomach. It’s scary to not really know if these little things are going to fulfill me. I used to think that if my skin cleared up I would be happier, but since it has gotten better, I don’t think it affected me too much. Now since my hair is the issue, if it finally looks better, will I still feel the same?

Self-image is tough and something I tend to struggle with sometimes. I see these really skinny girls on Instagram or girls with flawless skin or good makeup or nice, healthy hair and they look happy. I always tell myself that just because they look nice and have followers, it doesn’t mean they are happy or fulfilled, but social media tends to build this way of thinking that’s hard to get rid of. 

I even got rid of Instagram for about six months, but still felt this constant feeling of not being good enough tug at me. I kinda missed that validation from others and taking selfies and being able to post things and get compliments, as shallow as that sounds. It isn’t fun when you feel this way and depend on others to make you feel good about yourself. 

But at the same time, there’s that benefit. You post something because you like it and you get that nice feeling that others like it. Your friends comment and tell you look pretty and there’s nothing really too wrong with that. Social media carries the pros and the cons, but posting a picture you think you look good in and getting compliments isn’t too melodramatic. Maybe sometimes I focus too much on the likes and the people who like it, but at the end of the day I’m glad I look good in a picture and had the confidence to post it. 

But again that feeling hits me of- is posting this picture actually going to complete me? Obviously feeling good about myself is a factor that will lead me to make me a little happier, but there are alot of other factors too. I’ve been asking myself this question alot about what is going to make me happy and by the end of my life, am I going to be fulfilled? 

It’s horrifying to think that I will never be happy. I will never feel complete. But, I think about my past. I think about how much I have grown into the person I am today. I’ve been through alot. I’ve had bad and good memories. There were so many times I sobbed and cried and hated myself but also laughed and smiled and felt whole. While hanging with my friend yesterday, she mentioned how different of a person I was from the day we met- how mature and strong I’ve become. All I can believe at this point is, regardless of how I feel simply on my self-image, that things could only get better from here.

I might have these moments of weakness, these ups and downs in life, but overall I am continuously changing and evolving. I might never feel fulfilled or complete or even happy, but when I look back on my life as of now and see these memories of how happy I was in certain moments, I do feel how I think I should feel. 

I know in a year, I’ll look back at the selfies I took or even these writings and think, “Damn, I actually was doing good.” “I looked really hot that day.” “Ugh did I really think I looked fat?” “I didn’t realize how good I was at writing.” “My hair color wasn’t even that bad.” I might never realize these things in the moment, but as long as I continue to realize my development over the years and learn from how I feel, I will prosper within myself. Happiness isn’t something you finally reach, it’s something that’s hiding inside you waiting to be released. I know if I stop overthinking myself and my future or my choices, I will finally unlock it, but I don’t think I’m there yet but I know I will be. 

[hbldr-blog]

gettingup

I have a name, a head filled with ideas, a face, and hands to type with. I'm a writer, or at least I like to think so. One day I want to tell stories through some visual medium but I mostly just laze around. It really erks me. I love to move and I love to talk; it's my favorite thing to do in the world.

Depending on when I sleep or if I sleep I usually wake up at about noon, maybe early afternoon. When I wake up I usually don't think. Some people say their first thoughts are usually reflections of who they are; the lens they put on before observing the outside world. I tend to just lay there, wondering blankly. Eventually something crosses my mind: ‘What should I do first?’ And almost every time I look at my phone.

I'll be frank, I hate looking at it. When it's off the screen becomes a mirror... a sort of humbling reminder. I'm obsessed with recognition, be it fantasies of being interviewed for a film or comic, or a person smiling fondly at me as if my presence made their day. As shallow and naive as that might sound, I like to think pretty strangers will miraculously greet me via text hoping I have a good day.

Hello Good morning! Heyyy

Nothing. Sometimes I'll get a text from my mom, or from one of my writing friends about an idea they’ve been working on. I usually ignore them. I probably shouldn't. They're very good to me. After spending half an hour lounging in bed, I start thinking about creative ways to kill myself. Sometimes for a couple of seconds... another couple of seconds. Feels more like minutes that feel like hours.

I look at the time, see that I've slept for half the day, and leave my room for the bathroom. I turn on the shower, sit on the toilet, and try to number two, but my ass appears to still be asleep. I get back up and turn off the shower, remembering that I shouldn't waste hot water. My family hates it when I do. I go back on the toilet, and try to squeeze one out but again, my ass is napping.

I go back on my phone and check Instagram, Snapchat, Messenger, and last but not least, Reddit. No notifications. Nothing out of the ordinary. I scroll through, running into pictures of exes or girls I've tried to hook up with. They're almost always smiling, enjoying life. The irrational part of my brain starts seeing this as a mocking gesture. “They don't need you,” my brain says.”They never did.”

Almost immediately my head starts playing “For No One” by The Beatles. The suicidal thoughts come back, my ass wakes up, I shit. I get up without wiping my ass thinking ‘eh, I can clean it in the shower.’ I turn on the shower, strip my clothes, and hop in. It's kind of hot so I stand to the side and wait to get used to it. I get used to it. I grab my phone, still in the shower, open up Chrome incognito mode, and masturbate. Sometimes I finish, sometimes I don’t. I used to wrestle. I learned that when you take a shower, you wash your head and hair first before your body. When you do the reverse, the gunk from your head and hair trickle down towards your body and you get ringworm and you can’t wrestle. I liked wrestling.

I get out of the shower and look for a towel. Takes about 3 seconds to realize I forgot my towel and I have to air dry. I could just get out and grab a towel. I'd dry quicker and get along with my day, but I just took a hot shower and I'm afraid of the cold air outside. It’s cool relative to my body heat which means it really isn't that cold; I'm just a lazy coward. I look at my phone: Instagram, Snapchat, Messenger, Reddit. In that order, always in that order. 

Nothing. 

I put it down. I grab a random toothbrush...usually the cleanest one. I proceed to brush my teeth; I do it in circles. When I was small I heard doing it that way is better than going up and down so I do it in circles. After I brush my teeth I rinse with water and mouthwash. I don't floss. I haven't flossed in years. I should probably floss...every time I spit after I brush my teeth I see blood. That's probably not good. 

I look up at the mirror and it’s fogged up. I wipe it. I see my eyes and the bridge of my nose. I wipe at the mirror more; now I can see my whole body. I'm not happy at what I see. I am this strange combo of skinny and fat. Skinny-fat, if you will. Worse than both skinny and fat because at least when you're fat you have a sort of circular shape. You're not tricking anybody. Everyone knows you're fat and that's okay, but when you're skinny fat you're deceiving people. Now you're not just out of shape but you're also a liar. No one likes a liar. 

 I hear banging on my bedroom door. I hear it open, then I hear the footsteps of someone coming to the bathroom, then more knocking. “Yo, you almost out?”I reply “Yeah, almost.”I'm lying, of course. I'm either going to shit or jerk off again... or both. Or get distracted by my phone again. “Okay, well you've been there for three hours, so come on. Other people gotta use it too.” It's already three. That whole morning ritual took three hours. By then I'm already dry. I try to shit again--successfully, I might add. I decide to finally leave the bathroom.

My phone goes off.I think it's a job.Or maybe some stranger who's interested in talking to me. 

Or that cute girl who I texted about poetry that never got back to me.

Or that other cute girl who I text on a regular basis but always seems aloof.

Or that other girl who doesn't seem to want to leave me alone.

Or that other cute girl who I see in my head sometimes when I’m alone and content or masturbating.I look.

 It's my mom. 

“Get out of the fucking shower”

I've been out for at least 4 minutes, I ignore it and go to my room to get dressed, put deodorant on, and do my hair. I can never get it right. There's always something wrong about it and I don't know what it is. Maybe it’s swooshed the wrong way, or I’m not using the right pomade. Maybe my hair is just bad. I get my hoodie and pjs on. I sit on my bed and look at my phone but I'm not focused on my phone. I'm stuck in thought, this time not about suicide or what I'm going to jerk off to but what I've been doing with my life. I've been doing the same routine for a year.

I wanted to be a writer.

I wanted to make film.

I wanted to be a storyteller.

What am I doing? I'm twenty years old and I'm idle. I get a notification from one of my writing friends. He tells me he has this great idea he wants to talk about. I respond with “I don't feel good, I'm sorry.” He's going to school for what we both want to do and I always feel like he's miles away from me, literally and metaphorically. I look back at my phone. It’s fallen asleep. I unlock it and it opens up to Instagram. It's a picture of a girl I've never met. She's showing her cleavage. I think to myself “That's fucking trashy.” I close out of Instagram, go to Google Chrome, go to incognito mode.

I start browsing for what I want to watch. I'm picky. But before anything can happen I hear heavy footsteps rushing towards my room. After about two seconds my brother barges through the door. My erection is hidden. I change tabs.

“Yo, can I show you my song? I need critiques.”

I get annoyed. I tell him “It's not a good time. Come back in a couple minutes.”

He starts making for the door. I feel bad. I tell him “Never mind, show me anyway.” He shows me. It's decent besides the horrible piano. I tell him “It's decent besides the horrible piano.”

He says “Thanks, how about the vocals?” He always asks about the vocals.

I tell him “They're fine.”

He nods his head, thanks me, and leaves. I lock my door, change tabs, drop my pants, and resume.

Cheating stuff, for some reason today was cheating stuff. It felt weird. I start video hopping. It's great. I land on a video with a redhead. It reminds me of my ex. I close the tab. I pull my pants up. I can't finish. I lay on my bed. I start to sweat. I turn the A/C on. I start to think about what she's doing... if she's seeing another guy... what they might be doing. The suicidal thoughts start coming back. I start thinking about myself and why I'm so stagnant. My throat gets tight and I start breathing heavily through my nose.

I wanted to be a writer.

I wanted to be a director.

I wanted to tell stories.

What am I doing?

My stomach rumbles but I don't eat.

I open my laptop.

I open a word document.

I stare at it...

I close it and get something to eat.

I open my laptop.

I open a word document.

I stare at it...

I start browsing Reddit.

I start browsing porn.

I finish.

I close my laptop.

I look out the window.

It's dark.

I open my laptop.

I browse Netflix

Find a show about horses or something.

I like it.

I grab more food,

I watch more Netflix.

The show starts getting into very heavy emotional stuff I wasn't ready for.

The outro to the show gets into my head.

I really like the show.

It starts getting deeper and heavier emotionally.

I stop watching it.

I start thinking about myself again.

I wanted to be a writer.

I wanted to make film.

I wanted to be a storyteller.

I start rubbing my head obsessively.

The more I rub my head the more I feel like an anthropomorphic horse.

The shows outro takes the place of The Beatles’ “ For No One.”

I try to go to bed. I feel my eyes start to water, which means I'm about to have an episode and cry myself to sleep. That’s good because it means I'm going to pass out, except that I don't.

I just weep.

I open my laptop to play some ASMR to help me sleep. Whispering helps me sleep.

It doesn’t this time.

There is something wrong with me.

I open word document.

I stare at it...

I begin to type.

Not looking at what I write...

But rather just writing.

I stop.

I read it.

It’s horrible.

I resume.

I think to myself “What am I doing?”

I stop.

I think.

I am a writer.

I am going to be a filmmaker.

I am a storyteller.

and I resume.