#but i want him to be transmasc and kind of a piece of shit

[endykelopaedia]

shout out to him for being the terrible transmasc representation we need

[cutfruitbitch]

Eddie Munson x transmasc reader

Tags: smut (18+), trans male reader, lightly implied transphobia (only because it’s 1985 in Indiana, nothing outright or aggressive), (mostly) confident! Reader, desperate! Eddie, fairly neutral language regarding reader’s genitals, brief moment of insecurity due to reader’s identity, I wouldn’t say dom reader necessarily but he definitely directs most of the situations that happen here, marijuana

Note: the author (me) is a transgender man. If any one has any beef with the way reader is portrayed here, I’m sorry but as always, don’t like don’t read.

You know of Eddie Munson, but you don’t know him all that well. You know he’s a metal head, and that he plays Dungeons and Dragons. You know he sells drugs, and drives a van, and lives in the shitty end of town. You know he’s extroverted, and fun, and so fucking cute. You know that you want to get closer so badly, and you just don’t know how. You think that if you had the chance, if you could somehow make Eddie really see you, that maybe he’d like you just as much as you like him.

You see him around, and he just seems so cool. Not cool like popular people cool, cool like….like he just doesn’t care if he’s cool or not. Eddie Munson is cool in the same way that Steve Harrington is cool. Yes, you know, that thought seems like it contradicts the first one, but listen. At first, Steve Harrington was cool because he was popular. He was hot and rich and that was it. All filler, no substance. But then, Steve decided he didn’t care anymore. No, Steve Harrington didn’t give a fuck about being king of Hawkins. He started hanging out with middle schoolers, and that girl from band (who’s totally a lesbian, but that’s neither here nor there). The point is, Steve Harrington became actually cool because he stopped giving a shit about everything except for the shit that mattered to him. Eddie Munson is the same way. He’s cool because he doesn’t care about the shit that small town morons think people should care about. Eddie cares about the shit that he thinks is important, and doesn’t give a fuck about the rest. And that makes him cool.

Maybe it’s like, actually insane of you to piece all of that together. You’ve never had a conversation with Steve Harrington, ever. You’ve talked to Eddie like five times, probably. You’ve talked to the marching band lesbian more than both of them combined. Maybe that makes you super fucking weird. You prefer to think that you’re just incredibly observant. None of this is really the point right now, however.

The point is, currently, that you haven’t totally figured out yet is how Eddie Munson earned the title of town freak. Like, sure, being a D&D playing metal-head in Nowhere, America wasn’t exactly a ticket to popularity, but the way people talked about him seemed a little aggressive for it to be just about his interests. Or…maybe his ‘interests’ are exactly the issue? A guy can dream, anyways.

The point is, you have a plan, and that plan is to buy drugs. It’s totally fool-proof. You’ve smoked plenty of weed, but you’ve always mooched off other people at parties, which means you have no fucking clue how to roll a joint, or pack a bowl, or any of that shit. And Eddie sells weed. It’ll give you something to talk about. Good bonding method. Probably. So you’ll just go to Eddie’s trailer, buy drugs, tell him you don’t know how to do jack shit, then he’ll invite you in. Hopefully. Maybe.

Jesus Christ.

Here’s the thing:

You’re a boy. A man, even. And your running theory is that Eddie Munson is gay. Partially because you really want him to be gay, and also because your gaydar says so. Your gaydar might be biased. Who’s to say, really.

But you’re a man, and Eddie is a man, and you like men, and hopefully Eddie likes men. Two plus two plus two is six. But…Eddie might not, enjoy, per say, the kind of man you are. Eddie is a good guy, if he rejects you, he wouldn’t tell anyone. Freaks and weirdos have an unspoken code like that, just like how band kids and theater kids have an unspoken alliance. But, you’re going to be incredibly realistic about the entire situation: you are in the American Midwest in 1985. You’re doing something terribly risky because you’re, what, horny? You’re going to possibly out yourself because you have an unquenchable thirst for Eddie Munson’s cock?

You need to stop spiraling, because you’re already at his trailer. It’s a quick walk, because you also live in the shitty part of town. Alright, okay, cool, let’s do it. One, two, three, knock.

“Uh, hey man. Can I help you?”

Your mouth goes dry, unlike other parts of you. He’s wearing a cropped band tee-shirt and plaid pajama pants. He looks so warm and soft, it makes you want to shove your hands in his pants.

“Oh, hey, I was, uh, wondering if I could buy off you? I’m sorry if I woke you up,” You say, trying not to stare at the trail of hair on his stomach. You are not successful.

“Oh, yeah man, come on in,” Eddie wanders back into his trailer, and you follow to what you assume is his bedroom. It’s pretty much exactly what you thought his bedroom would look like, covered in band posters and random shit. Looks a lot like your room, actually.

“So I’ve got a few pre rolls, and like, two grams around here somewhere,” Eddie calls out, rooting around for something under his bed. You don’t stare at his ass. You don’t.

“Maybe like, four pre rolls? I don’t know how to roll a joint or pack a bowl, so those would probably be best,” You chuckle, mostly to yourself. You figure that neither of those things are that hard to learn how to do, probably, but you’re also kind of a moron, so. Better safe than sorry. Eddie shoves himself out from under his bed.

“You don’t know how to roll a joint? Or pack a bowl? You’ve smoked weed before, right?” He’s on his knees, staring up at you, wide-eyed. It’s….certainly an image. Down boy. You rub the back of your neck and glance off to the side. There’s a sticky note with a pen drawing of what appears to be Slash, thumbtacked to the wall. He’s so fucking cute.

“I’ve actually smoked a ton of weed, but I’m kind of a mooch. You know, I always get passed the blunt at parties, shit like that, but I’ve never really smoked on my own time,” You admit. Eddie laughs, low and hoarse.

“That’s so sleazy of you, pretty boy. Wanna smoke right now?” He says, plopping himself down on his bed.

Pretty boy.

Lord, strike me down.

“Sure, if it’s not like, inconvenient or anything? I’ll still pay,” You sit down next to him, not too close. You end up too close anyways, because you can smell him. God, you might actually die. He leans over to his bedside table and rummages around for something.

“Not inconvenient at all, sweet boy,”

You swallow hard. It’s not typical straight dude behavior to call a guy pet names, right?

He pulls out a joint, a lighter, and an ashtray.

“Just one joint?” You laugh. He smiles right back.

“What, you’re not cool with sharing?” He puts the joint between his lips. You quickly look away. Don’t fucking stare.

“I don’t know where your mouth has been, Munson,” You lean back on your palms and stare absentmindedly at the ceiling while Eddie lights the joint.

“Mhm, you never know with guys like me,” He hands you the joint. He’s closer than before. Maybe you’re hallucinating.

“Yeah? What’s a guy like you? Metalheads?” You’re not even sure if that sentence made sense. You feel like everything is spiraling out of control, and nothing is really even happening. You hit the joint. Being high could make everything better. Or like, a thousand times worse.

“Nah, freaks,”

“And what exactly makes you a freak? I never really understood that,” You admit, studying the joint between your fingertips. You’ve always done that when you smoke. You take a hit, then stare at the joint like you’re a scientist and it’s your specimen. Like, hmm, yes, this marijuana is the finest in Indiana, I shall add it to my collection. God, you’re so fucking weird.

“Oh, well, you know, just the typical shit. My hair is too long and my jeans are too ripped and I play children’s games and listen to Satan worshiping music,” Eddie laughs, but it sounds forced and nervous. You hand the joint back to him.

“Nah, I don’t buy it,” You say casually. So casual. So fucking normal and casual. Several expressions quickly flash over Eddie’s face. He settles on suspicion.

“Don’t buy what?”

“I don’t buy that that’s the shit that makes you a freak. Are you secretly a werewolf? Or like, into crazy BDSM stuff? I saw those handcuffs, Munson. Hanging them on the wall like a decoration? Brave,” Eddie honest to god giggles at that. You give him a lopsided grin.

“It’s alright Eddie, I’m a freak too, probably,” you’re doing it, you crazy, brave moron. You’re taking the leap.

“Hmm? And why’s that?” Eddie puts the half smoked joint on the ashtray. Oh, he’s definitely closer now. He turns, sitting cross-legged on the bed, facing you.

“A lot of reasons. Liking boys is one of the big ones, but no one knows that,” you are so fucking stupid. You glance at Eddie while your heart attempts to escape your body via your esophagus. He’s just staring, big brown eyes wide as hell. He leans in closer. God, why is he so close?

“You like boys? You…like like boys?” Eddie whispers. You nod. He smiles, eyes a little watery.

“Me too,” He says softly. You just sit there, smiling at each other like two idiots.

“Cool,” You say softly. Eddie’s staring at you like he’s never really seen you before. Maybe he hasn’t, not like this. Maybe he’s never met another queer person. His eyes are so big, and dark, you feel like you could fall in and drown. He leans impossibly closer, and his hand brushes yours. You let out a strangled sort of noise. Smooth, real smooth.

“I just-“ Eddie cuts himself off. You knock your shoulder against his. Time to finish your leap of faith.

“Eddie, I’m going to be really super honest with you right now. I’m into you, like a lot. I don’t want you to feel, like, obligated, because there’s probably not a lot of other gay guys in Hawkins, but…yeah. Now you know,” You finish lamely. God, why do you keep alternating between weirdly confident and stupidly nervous? Eddie tugs at a strand of his hair, and covers your hand with his.

“I’m not feeling…obligated. I’m also into you. Like, so much it’s probably weird. I’m probably being weird,” He seems like he’s about to start nervous word vomiting, like Robin from marching band. You turn so you’re fully facing him. His face is very, very red, and he seems like he desperately wants to look at you but also absolutely can not make eye contact.

“You like me? I honestly didn’t know if you knew who I was, other than someone who wanted to buy drugs from you,” Eddie shook his head vigorously at your words, his hair bouncing everywhere.

“No man, I noticed you. You just always seemed so cool, like, you knew you weren’t popular and you just didn’t care. Like, that kinda shit doesn’t even matter to you. I dunno, I kinda always wished I was more like that. More like you,” Eddie’s really close now. You adjust the way you’re sitting, moving so your legs are crossed. Your knees touch his.

“You want to be like me?” You ask. Eddie nods.

“Yeah, pretty boy. I just think you’re cool,” His nervous fingers twist his rings. You wish you had something to anxiously fiddle with, too. You decide to pick at a rip in your jeans.

It’s definitely not your imagination. There’s tension, something alive in the space between you and Eddie. All of a sudden, like a switch was flipped. You’ve taken all the leaps, and stuck every landing so far. Your chances are pretty good, it seems. Another leap. Leap leap leap.

You crawl forward, and sit yourself down right in his lap.

Eddie looks up at you, all big brown puppy dog eyes. His hands hover over your thighs, like he has no idea what to do with them.

“Is this alright?” You ask.

“So fucking alright,” Eddie mumbles, and he’s kissing you, Christ, he’s fucking kissing you.

It’s like a dam has broken between you. It’s teeth and tongue and saliva, and you just can’t get close enough to him. His tongue is in your mouth, and fuck, having any part of him inside of you is nearly enough to make you cum in your jeans. He’s gripping your thighs now, and god, those rings.

His hands slide further, gripping your ass. He hauls you closer, so you’re literally sitting on his cock. You can feel the hot press of it through his pajamas.

“Eddie…” You start. Christ, you want it. You want him, so badly it hurts. You ache.

“Mhm?” Eddie hums, and begins to kiss down your throat.

You’ve done a pretty great job at navigating this whole encounter so far, but now that you’re here, your insecurities are getting the best of you. Well, maybe not insecurities, per say, but weird internalized shit. Whatever, you’ll save it for therapy, but for now:

“You, er, maybe don’t- uh…..you probably don’t want to have sex with me. Not that I’m assuming that we were going to have sex,” You blurt out. So cool, so smooth. Moron.

“Huh?” Eddie already looks throughly fucked. His cheeks are red and his hair is wild, and he’s so beautiful.

“I..you like men. You’re attracted to men. And like, I’m…absolutely a man, but maybe….not quite the kind of man you’d sleep with,” You cringe internally. Way to be clear and concise. Eddie cocks his head to the side like a puppy.

“I’m not following,” He grips your waist. Focus, please.

“I have a vagina,” Brillant. Awesome. Foot, meet mouth. Eddie just stares.

“Okay?” He makes a face that you hope means I don’t understand why we stopped kissing, let’s keep doing that.

“So…I don’t have a dick,” You stare back at him. Being transgender in the Midwest in 1985 equips you with a certain sense of realism, which means you know that typically the best outcome of people finding out that you’re trans is that they don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. Even the gays don’t always know shit about gender. You’re shooting in the dark, here. Eddie pets your hair.

“Man, I don’t care. You’re a dude, I see you as a dude. I like men, you like men, we’re all gay men here. Right?” Eddie says, like it’s the easiest shit in the world. You look at him, stunned.

“God, I’m going to fuck you,” You more-or-less throw yourself at him. It’s not your fault that basic human decency turns you on.

Eddie flips you both, so he’s on top of you. You’re trapped between his body and his bed, surrounded by him and his clothes and his scent and everything is Eddie Eddie Eddie.

You pull at each other’s clothing urgently. You don’t think you’ve ever felt like this, wild and desperate. You’re both down to your boxers, and Eddie’s grinding against you like he aches for it. He sneaks a hand under your ass, pulling you against him even more.

“I need to be inside you, please, please, let me,” Eddie is breathless, face against your neck. It’s kind of cute, how desperate he is. It’s not like you can judge, you’re just as hard-up.

“Please Eddie, c’mon,” Eddie shoves your boxers down around your ankles, then his. He holds himself over you, and his arms shake.

“How…how do you want this to go?” He asks you. You push him on his back and slide into his lap. You hover, on your knees, over his stiff cock. It’s flushed and dripping, and you fucking need it.

“Alright, sweet boy, lemme grab a condom,” Christ, with the nicknames again. He quickly snatches a bottle of lube and a condom from his bedside table and makes quick work of putting it on, and slicking himself up. You reach behind, and steady his cock as you slowly sink down.

“Oh fuck,” Eddie whimpers into your chest. You settle yourself into his lap, his cock fully seated inside you. This is what dreams are motherfucking made of.

“You okay, Eds?” You cup his cheek with your palm. You didn’t know that he’d be like this, that you haven’t even begun to move and he’s already this drunk on sex. He nods sheepishly, and thrusts shallowly.

“You’re just so fucking wet, and tight,” He runs his hands up and down your back, your thighs, your ass, like he has no clue what to do with them.

“C’mon big guy, fuck me like you mean it,” You chuckle. Eddie nods, like the good boy he is. He wraps his arms around you, and begins to fuck in to you, hard and wet. He lets out a plethora of noises, a goddamn symphony of moans and hums and gasps and choked-off little laughs. Fuck, he fills you up perfectly, like God carved out a space inside of you that was meant just for him. Pleasure rolls through you in waves. You were never particularly noisy during sex, but Eddie evidently knows exactly how to get you to gasp and moan.

“Please, fuck, I wanna- shit,” Eddie stumbles over his words, like his thoughts are all jumbled up. You have to admit, your brain is pretty scrambled too.

“Whaddya want Eddie?” You ask. He slows his thrusts and looks up at you.

“I just wanna- this,” He says, and he throws you both forward so he’s on top of you. He hikes your legs up around his waist and pumps into you with wild abandon.

“Jesus Christ,” He mumbles. You grin.

“No, just my name is fine,” You snark. He chuckles, and fists the sheets next to your head.

“God, fuck, I think I’m about to cum,” Eddie pants, rhythm faltering.

“Same,” you admit. You can feel it rising in you with each of Eddie’s thrusts, the slick drag of his cock hot like a brand inside you. You feel like a cup of warm tea filled to the brim, ready to spill. You feel like you’re under a warm blanket on a cold winter night. You feel sloppy and wet and like every second feels impossibly better than the last.

And then you cum around Eddie’s cock.

It’s like stars exploding. Supernova. It’s like a lot of things, and you can’t think of any of them because you are transcending time and space.

“God, fuck, you just creamed on my cock, holy shit, oh fuck-“ Eddie bits down on where your neck and shoulder meet, and cums inside you. You wish you could feel it, but hey, safety first.

Eddie slumps off to the side, out of breath. You stare at the ceiling, body twitching and slick with sweat. You kind of wish you had a cigarette. You look over at Eddie, who, quite frankly, looks braindead.

“Hey Eds?”

“Yeah, sweet boy?”

“Next time, fuck me from behind,”

“Jesus H Christ,”

“I told you, Eddie, just my name is fine,”

[multi-lefaiye]

tick, tock.

[ #FFF234: HOW IT ENDS ]

HIIIII hi <3 i have some writing to share, after about 500 years.

this was originally written for today's @/flashfictionfridayofficial prompt, HOW IT ENDS, but i ended up going way over the limit and didn't wanna edit it down. so. it's not part of that anymore. but i'm including the banner anyway bc i like it <3

so, for context, this is based on a specific scene in act two of baldur's gate 3, a specific interaction with wyll that i love so so much, featuring my tav, the tiefling eden linnaeus <3

content warnings: semi-graphic threats of violence, but honestly mainly just spoilers for bg3, if that's something you're worried about.

words: 1692

tagging the art taglist, bc no gods no masters (no pressure to any of y'all to read! <3 and if you want to be added or removed, please let me know): @skitzo-kero @anexor @presidentquinn @albatris @chaieyestea @astral-runic @kk7-rbs @jezwrites @whonsper @moonflowerrss @approximately20eggs @rosesandartss @lychniscitrus @invaderskoodge @transmasc-wizard @midnight-and-his-melodiverse

----

The projection of Mizora is every bit as imposing as the first time Eden saw her. She stands tall in the heart of his camp, his safe haven, her clawed hands on her hips and jagged teeth barely hidden by her rose-painted grin. As always, she stares down at him with clear disdain, crown of horns perched high on her brow. She has a smug air about her that says, You are beneath me, nothing more than a pathetic ant beneath my boot.

At this moment, all Eden wants is to rip that pretty face apart. If she ever gets the guts to actually stand before him, he might do just that.

Tonight isn’t about that, however. Tonight is about Wyll, who stands next to Eden with a resigned sort of grief on his handsome face. He bows beneath the weight of Mizora’s expectations, as always, and the ridiculous suicide missions she sends him on. Wyll is dutiful, kind, and deeply honorable, and she seems to delight in every torturous humiliation she lavishes upon him. Kill this devil for me (yes, Mizora), move this mountain for me (yes, Mizora), tear yourself to ragged pieces for me (yes, Mizora). It never ends.

Even now, she appears just to torment him, holding promises of freedom over his head that she has no intentions of fulfilling. His suffering is a game to her, one that he has no hope of winning.

One thing is abundantly clear: to Mizora, Wyll is little more than a dog, her loyal pet for her to keep on a tight leash and kick as she pleases. And he’ll always come crawling back to her, because he has no choice in the matter.

And that, Eden decides, is unacceptable. 

“Ta ta, pet,” Mizora coos, winking playfully at Wyll’s clenched jaw, the way he casts his eyes down at the ground. Submissive. Cowed. It doesn’t suit him. She waggles her dainty fingers at him in a wave. “And do make haste. I’d hate to have to ruin that pretty face of yours if you fail.”

Something inside Eden snaps.

“Wait,” he says, taking a step towards the devil. She blinks at him, clearly surprised that he spoke up. “What’s in it for him?” Mizora snorts.

“I thought I was quite clear,” she purrs. She holds up a finger for emphasis. “As per our contract, Wyll must do whatever I ask of him. And, now, he must rescue my stolen asset from Moonrise, or else I will rend his flesh from his bones and-”

“Yes, yes, we heard you the first time,” Eden cuts her off. “Save us the fucking theatrics, you winged sack of shit.” He waves a hand dismissively and rolls his eyes. “My point, however, is that I don’t see why he should do anything for you. You haven’t given him anything--isn’t that the point of a fair deal?” He’s treading dangerous waters, he knows, but he’s not backing down now.

The devil ponders his words, her expression twisted in fury at his insolence. Clearly, the bitch isn’t used to mortals who talk back. Finally, she asks cautiously, “What are you proposing?”

Mizora glares at him, and for perhaps the first time, Eden understands what it means to face down eternal damnation. Her burning eyes promise hellfire, but Eden meets her gaze unflinchingly. And as he does, he sees something he didn’t before: a spark of fear, of desperation, in her face. Mizora is scared. Whatever asset she needs Wyll to fetch, she’s fucked if he doesn’t get it for her.

There’s blood in the water. And, like a shark, Eden strikes.

“End your pact with Wyll.” The words seem to echo like a gunshot in the otherwise quiet camp. “He’s done everything you’ve asked as your errand boy, and you’ve done almost nothing in return. The contract has served its purpose, so if you want anything else from him, end it.” Distantly, Eden is aware of the others in the background, talking among themselves as they wonder if they should intervene. But Eden doesn’t care about that now. His focus is on the evil bitch in front of him, and the noble man behind him.

Then, Wyll’s voice sounds in the back of Eden’s mind, clearly terrified of where he’s going with this.

What are you doing? he asks. Eden glances at Wyll out of the corner of his eye and sees the man watching him with wide eyes. Wyll is terrified, that much is clear.

Trust me. Eden meets Wyll’s gaze, his face carefully neutral despite the pleading words. Please. Wyll hesitates for a moment, trepidation shining in his face. A heartbeat passes, and he nods, steeling his gaze.

I trust you.

Something in Eden’s chest warms at the words, at Wyll’s unwavering faith in him, and he turns his attention back to Mizora. She’s still glaring at him, but she looks unsteady. He’s clearly on the right track. He just has to keep digging.

“Why should I?” she sneers, and now Eden sees how defensive the gesture is as she crosses her arms. “You have no bargaining power, boy. Wyll made an agreement with me, and he’s obligated to-”

“Tick,” Eden says casually. “Tock.”

“What?” Mizora barks, furrowing her brow.

“Tick, tock, Mizora,” Eden says. He smiles at her, the expression baring his fangs. “Every second you spend bitching about what Wyll should do is another second you waste that we could be helping you.” His smile grows as he imagines sinking his teeth into Mizora’s flesh. “How long until the Absolutists destroy your precious asset, removing her brain and replacing it with worms? We’ll have to act fast if we’re to get there in time. By then, it may be too late.”

“You don’t-” Mizora starts in a snarl, her fingers curling into claws, but Eden doesn’t let her finish.

“Tick, tock.” He snarls back in a feral grin. “What do you choose? Tick, tock, tick, tock-”

“Stop,” Mizora growls.”

“Tick, tock, tick, tock-”

“ENOUGH!” Mizora cries, her voice a booming thunderclap that almost shakes Eden to his core. Almost. She staggers away from him as though burned by his words alone, raising her hands to hide her face. For a long moment, she stands there, shoulders shaking ever so slightly.

Whoever Mizora needs saved from Moonrise, she’s clearly as important as Eden assumes if the idea of losing her is enough to unsettle the devil this deeply.

The devil takes a breath, shuddering as she collects herself. Finally, she lowers her hands, crossing her arms again. She glares at Eden, but there’s no heat in the expression now, not after Eden laid bare how desperate she really is. He glares back at her freely, his expression triumphant. He’s won, and they both know it.

“Fine,” Mizora says through gritted teeth. She takes a breath again, schooling her expression into a calm smile. “Fine. I will release Wyll from his contract.” It sounds like she’s forcing herself to say each word. Eden hopes it hurts her to say them. “After he rescues the asset.” She throws the last part out like a challenge, grinning viciously at Eden, and he only shrugs in response.

“Naturally,” Eden agrees easily enough. “That’s only fair, after all.” Something glints in his eyes. “When he rescues the asset, you will release him from his pact.” It’s not a request, and Mizora clearly knows it, based on the way her lip peels back in another snarl. “And if you even try to weasel out of this, I’ll personally ensure the Absolute devours you and your precious asset whole.”

It’s an empty threat and he knows it, but the flash of terror in Mizora’s eyes at Eden’s words tells him she believes him wholeheartedly. Good.

Mizora averts her gaze, clearly unsettled, and turns away from Eden to look at Wyll. “You’d better move quickly, pup,” she barks, desperate to cling to whatever power she has left in this situation. Eden decides to allow it, for now. “Looks as though we’re both on a time limit.”

Before Eden can examine her parting words, she disappears as swiftly as she arrived, the illusion melting into a puddle of black ichor on the stone floor. In seconds, the muck evaporates, leaving behind nothing more than a dark stain, a smudge of shadow in the flickering firelight.

The moment she’s gone, Eden lets out a breath of his own, his shoulders drooping ever so slightly. His heart pounds something fierce in his chest, his victory over Mizora lighting a fire in his veins just as much as it fills him with pure, exhaustive relief.

“I…” Wyll begins behind him, swallowing audibly. “Eden, I… Not that I’m not grateful, but why-”

“If you want to beat a devil, you have to beat them at their own game,” Eden says simply. He suddenly feels deeply uncertain, and he shifts as he crosses his arms. “And, well… you’re my friend. I’m tired of her making you play alone, so I’m gonna help you beat her.” That’s half the truth, anyway.

Eden turns his head to look at Wyll, and he’s nearly taken aback by the man’s expression of pure, unabashed awe. Wyll is looking at him like he’s the most remarkable creature in the world. There’s something else in his eyes, something else that Eden can’t quite identify, but the expression makes something stir deep inside Eden’s chest.

“We’re not out of the weeds yet,” he continues, smiling bashfully, “but this is a start. We’ll just have to make sure Mizora upholds her en-”

Before Eden can finish his sentence, Wyll surges forward and wraps his arms around the smaller man, pulling him into a tight embrace. Eden freezes in surprise, his words dying in his throat as Wyll buries his face in the tiefling’s neck. It takes a moment for him to realize that Wyll’s shoulders are shuddering, ever so slightly.

“Thank you,” Wyll says, his voice watery with unshed tears. “Thank you.”

There’s a million things Eden could say in response. But instead, after the briefest moment of hesitation, he just hugs Wyll back, holding his friend gently.

[deerlottie]

fucking medicine got me all weird and i ended up making a shitty ass theory about how Fred from mistery incorporated is a trans man, oh good lord 💀💀💀💀💀

well, since his adoptive father is a piece of shit, i'm pretty sure fred grew up kind of neglecting his feelings and gender, and at some point he just starts acting like how his father wanted him to act, like a man. and even tho i think his father would be 100% conservative, he probably would prefer having a boy over a girl, so he just said 'fuck it, you're my SON now'

and when he's having all of those mental breakdown when he's feeling literally ANYTHING, it's just his mind trying to understand that men can also feel things and that he didn't had to be like his father to be a man. for example, when he said if being a guy means having feelings, he wasn't a guy anymore, or when he ask daphne and velma to include him in the 'girls talk'. to me, it just seems he's understanding that being a guy doesn't mean being all manly, toxic or emotionless, but being a guy is basically being comfortable with his own body, understand his feelings and not deny them.

probably made this up because i love him so fucking much and he's autistic too, so i just want to identify with him 😭

-🇧🇷

NO I GET THIS 10000%.....i've seen headcanons and it just Makes Sense you know....everyone in that show is trans and autistic if you really think about it Tbh...

he gives suchhh transmasc himbo vibes its unreal

[mostdefinitelyahumanperson]

Lore Bits and HCs for my Magical Girls AU because I have Severe Brain Worsm

under the cut because it's a looooong boi (also not super organised or structured. oOpsie-daisy)

tl;dr : a ragtag found family (they're autistic and trans) find themselves battling space-cops with their newly acquired elemental powers because some autistic robot wanted to LARP as Its favorite anime

Zane

It's an alien-robot thingy from space

Like canon! Zane, It uses an hologram to appear human

Even by alien-robot standard, It's autistic

It became fascinated and enamoured with humans and Magical Girls so much that It revealed Itself to a few humans and gave them elemental abilities to create Its own Magical Girls team (that's what happens when the 'tism wins i guess)

It doesn't care that "Magical Girls" is supposed to be a gendered term 🤷🏼

Revealing Itself to humans is an alien crime, so now It's on the run

Most of the threats the Team fights is literally just alien-robot cops coming after It

Prefers It/Its pronouns, but because bigots use those maliciously, It only uses them with Its close friends. With everyone else, It prefers they/them slightly, but is mostly apathetic

Doesn't know how old It is in Earth year, but knows It's a young adult by Its specie's standard

AroAce, in a queerplatonic relationship with Cole and Kai

Very Tall (6'4'')

Dresses very conservatively, has an impressive collection of beige sweaters. Pants are always clean ??? (weirdo)

Cole

First human turned Magical. Earth powers.

When Zane first arrived on Earth, It was lost and confused, and Cole helped It. That's how they met, and that's why Zane decided Cole has "the pure heart of a Magical Girl"

He was houseless when he first met Zane, they now have an apartment together

He's the oldest (25) and as such fills the role of big brother to the group

Gives very good advice, such as "most crimes are morally correct" and "punch nazis always" and "never talk to cops"

A source of emotional stability for the others, great at co-regulation, very chill

Living happily and healthily, and caring for his community, is his greatest protest

Used to have a shit relationship with his dad, but now it's better, which puts him in the perfect position to support Kai, Nya, and Llorie, who all have shit relationships with their parents

Draws very well, designed all of his tattoos

Tattoos are : Earth Dragon (right arm), Energy Dragon, Water Dragon, Lightning Dragon, Fire Dragon, Ice Dragon (all on left arm), Mountain Landscape (back), White Lily, Music Notes (both over his heart), Piece of Cake (right buttcheek), Pink Crystals (both legs), Mouth with Tongue Out (right inner thigh), there's probably more but I'm out of ideas 🤷🏼

High as a kite 24/7. He uses it as medication for his chronic anxiety and sensory issues

Autistic <3

Special interests include : music history, music theory, just music in general actually, philosophy, baking, geology, and vintage technology, especially retro gaming. he's such a loser <3 (compliment)

Very good baker, makes insane edibles

Dresses punk, but musically prefers prog rock because he's a tasteless nerd (also listens to punk, of course, other types of rock, metal, and some subgenres of dubstep)

Yellow and purple shoelaces

Very Tall (6'2'')

Besties with Nya (mlm and wlw solidarity)

Romantically gay, asexual, transmasc

He was on testosterone for a bit, he no longer is as he is happy with the androgynous in-between he's reached. Doesn't want any kind of surgeries

In a queerplatonic relationship with Zane and a romantic relationship with Kai

Kai

Met Zane through Cole

Got turned Magical because Zane figured he'd enjoy it (It was correct)

Resident Himbo. Not a single thought behind those eyes.

Had started apprenticeship at father's forge, but relational conflicts made him leave

He has a horrible relationship with his father, and *very* mid with his mother

Pays for Nya's college education by participating in a shady underground fight ring, The Slither Pit. wins a lot, makes good money

Also has a successful OnlyFans

Has a bit of a drinking problem, but he's working on it (it used to be much worse)

Autistic and ADHD <3

Special interests include : footwear, hockey, hip-hop, metallurgy, glass art, kinesiology (I don't know, man, he's a sport nerd or whatever), hot peppers and hot sauce

Crop tops, tank tops that show off side boobs, booty shorts, grey sweatpants, high-waisted pants, fire prints, red, varsity jackets. Vaguely retro vibe, with the most 90's hair possible (too much hair gel and frosted tips)

24 years old

5'6''

Bisexual, demi-romantic, transmasc

On testosterone, has had top surgery

In a queerplatonic relationship with Zane and a romantic relationship with Cole

Nya

She got turned Magical because Kai, Jay and Cole nagged Zane non-stop until It agreed to Magic-ify her. Kai was ecstatic when she ended up getting water powers (he thinks sibling having opposite powers is Very Cool™️)

Her initial reaction to the turning was to be fucking pissed. That's her initial reaction to anything that stresses her out. Once she got over the weirdness of the whole some-alien-robot-guy-turned-me-into-a-fuckin-magical-girl thing, she ended up embracing it the most out of all of them, she's practically a vigilante at this point

She can fight even better than Kai, as martial art is one of her favorite way of releasing stress

Along with fixing cars

And since she has a LOT of stress to release, she's very good at both of those things

Special interests include : machines, especially cars (her main one), Journey to the West, Queer history, apes (her favorites are chimpanzees), She-Ra and He-Man

Autistic <3

High-masking. It's giving her autistic burnout, so she's been trying really hard to learn to unmask. Her friendship with Cole and relationship with Jay play a big role in her unmasking journey, as they show to her that she can be safe and secure while being herself

Burned out, but she won't let herself rest :/

She's a double-major, engineering and gender studies

She has a terrible relationship with her mother, and very mid relationship with her father

Besties with Cole (wlw and mlm solidarity)

They have similar taste in music (rock, prog, punk, metal). They like shopping for vinyls together

She's a coffee snob. Annoying about it.

Really sappy cheesy lovey-dovey when alone with Jay, but more friend-like when they're with other people (she doesn't like broadcasting her softer side to the world)

Cargo pants, muscle tees, tank tops, leather jackets, distressed denim, steel-toed boots, army surplus, navy blue, army green, black and grey, camo print

Hair up in ponytail or bun always, for sensory reasons

22 years old

5'8''

Butch bi-lesbian trans woman

On estrogen and progesterone, doesn't want surgeries

In a romantic relationship with Jay

Jay

Zane turned spark Magical because spark was infodumping about anime and how much spark'd love to have cool powers

Is the only one on the team who can fly, Zane has no idea how that happened

Cannot stand still, cannot shut up. the AuDHD is strong with this one

Special interests include Sci-Fi, especially space stuff, Starfarer being spark absolute favorite franchise, Magical Girls anime, anime in general actually, machines, video games, snakes, chicken husbandry, animation

Engineering major. That's how spark met Nya

Wanted to also major in theater, but a double-major was way to much for spark

Is in an improv team instead, as a hobie

Spark's a very talented drag performer. makes costumes sparkself. Drag-sona is a genderless alien named Zap, uses zap/zapself pronouns

Favorite music genre is ~computer noises~

Drinks way too much pink monster. Collects limited edition cans

Has not only accepted, but embraced the cringe 😌

A furry, made spark's fursuit. Cole drew the design

Dresses like if arcade carpeting and techno-unicorn had a baby

23 years old

5'4''

Panromantic, demi-sexual

In a romantic relationship with Nya

Llorie

She's the baby of the group. She got turned because Zane needed a "chosen one" for Its fantasy scenario

She's not *actually* chosen for anything, but she plays along because she's just happy to be here

Going through the Magical Girl transformation SHATTERED her egg

She graduated from Darkley's, an expensive boys-only boarding school. She's just starting college, majoring in (uuh, I don't know yet. Is veterinary a major ??? I've never been to school.)

When in her magical form, she has non-human features, such as golden horns, fangs, a green scaly tail, pointy ears, and claws

Dysphoria hoodie, always. She's had it since she was 10 (it's running small, but she's very emotionally attached to it)

Her parents are both stinking rich, and emotionally neglectful. Her dad is a weapon magnate, her mom's a world renowned archeologist (that's a plot hole. archeologists aren't usually stinking rich ??? whatev's). They stuck her in Darkley's and pretty much forgot about her. She hasn't come out to them yet, but she's out to her uncle Wu, who was the only family member actually there for her throughout her life

She's autistic <3

She met the group because Nya can spot a baby trans from a mile away, and immediately entered big sister mode. Nya's been helping her navigate the early stages of transition, offered her an understanding ear, gave her advice. They're practically sisters at this point. Naturally, the rest of the group also adopted Llorie.

Special interest include Starfarer (duh), plushies, fishes, especially sharks, mythology/legends/folklore/fairytales

*skirt goes spinny*

18 years old

5'2'' (she's itty-bitty)

She's still trying to figure out her sexuality, but she highly suspects she's on the aro and ace spectrums. Trans girl.

[macksting]

2-12-24 00:33 - Nuances that won't stop annoying me tonight

This is personal opinions and should be taken as potentially garbage. I don't particularly have as a vice that need to always be right about things, much less authoritative. I'm just getting these out in writing because they're bothering me a lot.

The oversexualization of trans women is definitely a thing, we are not sexual just for existing. But as a... non-passing trans woman with moral scrupulosity OCD and a high libido, I don't particularly like being admonished not to... speak really sexily, I guess. It's difficult for me to do so at all, and is not made easier by admonishing me for... for talking about it. I don't... talk a lot about it, especially not here, I figure folks wouldn't necessarily be comfortable with it, so I have this really sparse sideblog devoted to sexy stuff but I just. don't engage with it much because I'm afraid of myself, for no good reasons. ... My dash is full of trans people, women and men and neither and both, sex workers and just plain libertines, who are sexy and allow themselves to be sexy, and I am grateful for that. It's difficult to talk to others about sex for me. I don't think by being openly sexual and horny I am contributing to my own oppression. And I do have transmasc friends who do talk sexy with me, and others who do not, depending in no small part on their interests and our established rapport. Iunno. It just feels bad being admonished for... being horny and wanting to be sexualized a bit. A bit. Respectfully, or a particular kind of disrespectfully with a lotta aftercare. It's hard to come by. uh, so to speak.

Vote, vote, vote, you gotta vote, if you don't vote you're giving up your only power to change things, vote vote vote if you don't vote you're as bad as Hitler, in a race between Mussolini and Hitler I'd be very concerned if you didn't vote for Mussolini, yadda yadda yadda, HOLY SHIT how do you people do it. I get it kinda, the idea that voting for one genocidal piece of work is maybe a little better than voting for the other, but... when you put that pen to paper or however you do it, how do you not feel hesitation? Sickness? How does it not plague you? How do you not feel just a little complicit? I'm not saying don't! I don't actually have an opinion on that. Maybe I should have an opinion on that. But do you just... fill in that arrow or bubble and say "I did a good thing"? or something? That man who still owes me over a thousand dollars that I could really use right now because we are homeless is personally responsible for countless dead Palestinians right now, and I know that Trump would have done the same, perhaps worse, but -- but voting for him makes me feel like I'm condoning it, worse it makes me feel like I am personally a little responsible for him being there to do this. And not just this. The expansion of the pipelines, the -- shit I don't even remember any of the good or bad he's done right now, just the continuing construction of the border wall, just the fuckin' shit he's doing to indigenous peoples all over the world including here in the States. I know, I know, Trump would do it too and prolly worse I don't care because what bothers me is the endorsement, the filling in the little arrow bubble thing that says Yes Daddy Go For It Kill In My Name. It's directly contributing to someone being in that genocidal seat doing genocidal things! It's pulling the lever on the fucking trolley track to hit what I hope is fewer than five people but it never is. It never is. It's five people on either side of the track, and if I don't pull the lever, I am not personally responsible for turning the trolley to kill *those* five people, and it really does take something out of me. It inflicts moral fucking injury on me to ... to say Yeah This One Not The Other One. I'm not doing enough. I don't know how to do enough. I am self-isolating because I may have COVID and be asymptomatic, but I can't really self-isolate because we are in a homeless shelter that consists of little Pallet-branded pods and I am inflicting the same poverty traumas on my kid that I had growing up and they're gonna grow up as fucked up as I am and that may literally kill them. I feel like I am killing my child. I am sending them to school during a fucking pandemic that's killing thousands a day. I just don't know how to do the right thing. I know it involves direct action, but every time I try to do that, my whole brain screams and freezes up because it always goes so wrong, nobody likes me, they see how I fidget and how I speak out against useless gossip (I now know particularly what bothers me is what's called lashon hara), they see me trying to volunteer for tasks like cleaning or bean-counting and call me toxic. I know I must be doing things wrong, I know I must be. But they never agree on what. It's always something different. My presence is disruptive, I can't help anybody, I can't help myself, I can't help my family, I can't I can't talk about sex, I can't talk about how much it hurts to pretend for a moment to support genocide, I can't talk about being so poor that our whole worldly possessions are about to go up for auction including every possession my child owns because it's *venting*, I can't talk about my childhood even when I think I'm telling a funny story because it's *venting*, I can't do anything without causing someone some injury and I don't know what to do about it. Um. Maybe ignore everything I just wrote. I just needed to get it off my chest. Please forgive me for putting this out there. I need to, but you don't need to care. There's an artist in the Philippines I'm rather fond of, maybe go check out his work.

Location: Pallet shelter in the PNW, using mobile hotspot and laptop (Breq)

Music: Blues Run The Game, cover by Simon & Garfunkle

[sigilsmut]

tumblr did not save my post and i forgot half the shit i spent 20min typing out so let’s try this again.

this year i want to encourage myself into being more active in posting about my ocs, art, writing and spreading more oc x canon propaganda LOL it started with jojo’s bizarre adventure and now recently one piece.

so now that i’m having another tism moment, please indulge me as i introduce the audience to my new oc Honeko Krueger !

Honeko is trans and can go by she/her or he/him. Although transmasc, she presents as feminine for the most part (i.e. wearing makeup and revealing clothes).

Honeko is a gunslinger in the One Piece universe. Known as the “Infernal Angel” and “Blackjack” in the criminal underworld, she’s a bit of a seductress in that she strings along the men of pirate crews, making them think she’s gonna sleep with and pillage islands with them, only to wipe them out and bleed them dry of all the treasure they’ve accumulated. She gained her first bounty of 69,000,000 berries after managing to singlehandedly demolish an entire marine ship and a pirate crew in a shootout called the Devil Town Shootout.

She ate the Kemo Kemo no Mi, or the Beast Beast Fruit. This fruit lets the user transform between human to Hellbeast whenever they see fit. It also allows Honeko to manipulate blood to an extent, mainly to feed off of it. The more blood is spilt, the more powerful she feels and the more dangerous she can be. It represents her ruthlessness and brutality in battle, yet she doesn’t like using it as much in fear of losing control as a beast. So she resorts to using it as a trump card instead.

On her island, she’s a part of the Krueger mob family, who are high-ranking members of the Devil Town mafia. Their base of operations (and family home) lies at the heart of the island, a bar and entertainment business. Her family preaches sword use and Devil Fruits over all else, deeming anything else like firearms as inferior. They pressured Honeko to become a proper swordswoman, for if she disgraced the Krueger family, she’ll become as useless as the pistols she so vehemently defends. But because Honeko’s a bit of a petty bitch, she trained herself to handle guns and plans to become the world’s deadliest gunslinger. Just to prove a point.

However, that’s not to say that she’s completely incapable of of using a sword period. The last time she used a katana blade was when she used it to kill her cheatin’ ass boyfriend. She pulled a Kill Bill (or a My Bloody Valentine, even) and carved out his heart to put on a literal silver platter. She may or not have taken a bite out of it. 

Since then, she only keeps two swords in her inventory, a rapier handed down to her from her mother and a katana sword. Although she doesn’t use these swords as much as Lacytanga, she keeps them nearby and uses them as a second option lest something happen to her revolvers (i.e. if they jam). The only other time she’ll use her swords is when she’s training with Zoro.

Lacytanga is based on the Wild Bill Hickok Revolver and is styled with a lacy, gothic appearance.

As a gunslinger her marksmanship borders on the supernatural and has the accuracy of a sniper, her shooting skills are quick enough to give you whiplash. She modified them herself and takes pride in being able to put together and augment her own weapons (something she bonds with Usopp over). If she’s gonna use weapons she wants them to be as boujee and cunty as she is ✨

As for her place in Luffy’s crew, she joined the Straw Hats after she fought an entire marine crew alongside him and Zoro and joined a little before Chopper. She was on the run from a marine ship while Luffy and his crew were docked at the edge of the island to hide from the same ship. The two heard of what she’s capable of and saw a wanted poster with her bounty on it, one that was higher than Luffy’s bounty of 30,000,000 berries, and wanted to see for themselves what kind of fighter she is. After being cornered by the marines, the three of them combined forces and wiped them all out.

Luffy was excited as shit after seeing how she handled them and asked her to join his crew. In her eyes, she saw this as an opportunity to chase her dreams with like-minded people and gain a (second) family, so she agreed. (Honeko x Zoro is a whole nother can of worms I will open later el oh el)

She’s more of a vigilante and has a reputation for being a cold-hearted woman, but to friends and family, she’s a sweetheart and funny as hell. overall Honeko’s just a bitchin’ gunslinger with the FATTEST of asses 🖤✨

[dyketubbo]

i've been thinking about the subject of characters with identities or traits that would inherently diversify a work but are also in a sort of constant state of both being canon and non-canon. whether because the author confirmed it only after the source ended, or because its only word of god even if the series was/is still going at the time of the staff member saying so, or because its only shown in some versions of the media, or because its just coding and isnt explicitly said, or because its something the author is alright with it being depicted or not depicted. and theres a big discussion about whether these traits are important to celebrate, to portray even if they dont align with headcanons or even if they dont fit with the story itself.

or even if these traits are "hard to draw". hard to write in. hard to accomodate for. hard to change for. hard to envision. hard to see as Canon.

it ranges from transfem june egbert (doesnt align with many peoples headcanons, was confirmed only after proper homestucks end and has not been shown in extended media despite the og story having strong hints), to wheelchair user c!goodtimeswithscar (author is alright with it being depicted but also alright with it not being depicted, wheelchairs are considered to be hard to draw and hard to adapt to a world like minecraft).

fat terezi (depicted only in pesterquest, fat bodies are considered to be hard to draw and to adapt to certain art styles) to, for the sake of putting an objectively kind of shitty rep here, gay dumbledore (confirmed after the series ended. also jkr is a piece of shit whose writing shouldnt be supported in any form anyways, but this is here to show a low of this behavior).

even in adaptations like with annabeth chase being played by a black actor, even if shes not necesssarily described as black in the original media.

you could argue on and on about whether its more proper or respectful to just go by the original media only. or if its actively disrespectful to just go in favor with whats easier. whats more common. whats more "relatable". to keep making transmasc egbert because june is just a fictional character and transmasc people have been relating to her for ages so why should they have to change? to keep depicting c!scar as either a different form of disabled such as a cane user or using back braces because wheelchairs are hard to draw and its hard to think about adapting minecraft to wheelchair users and besides, the cc doesnt care and its a way to keep that separation so why change the design to be more like him? annabeth wasnt meant to be black, so why bother changing the minds vision of her, its not like shes really canonically black, why not keep depicting her white anyways?

and i guess every time ive been faced with this sort of problem ive always gravitated to just.. depicting those characters like that anyways when i can. make june transfem because fuck it, its interesting and transfem fans relate to her and have been keeping up this headcanon for ages, and its just a nice thing to do. depict terezi as fat anyways because if your style cant handle fat people then thats something you should work on, diversity shouldnt be left out of a style.

depict scar with a wheelchair and oxygen tubes anyways because disability cant just be traded out for whats easier to accomodate for and thinking about disability accomodations is good worldbuilding! wheelchair users deserve to be seen in fantasy too. make annabeth black because little black girls deserve to see themselves in a character that theyd love and admire and want to be like.

people will go on and on about projecting onto the characters they like and making all the headcanons they want, but as soon as one is made canon (in a way that isnt actively disrespectful or genuinely disingenuous to the story) or even just soft canon, people pussyfoot around and stutter and mumble and make multiple reasons about why they just Cant. or, they even just ignore it. dont think about it at all.

but iunno, i think in the case of "would doing this, and thus adding more diversity to my work, make other people happy in the same way im made happy when i see people like me in media?" with the answer being yes then.. just do it. and of course, always be careful that youre not just adding diversity for brownie points, that on some level youre thinking about how you come off and whether youre being respectful or not. but in the end i think making others happy is always a good reason to do something with your creative work

[skyjynxart]

Mmm sorry.

Ah, the good ol’ readmore yellfest. Seriously no need to read this, I just need to get it off my chest. If you do skim through, big fat TW for transphobia, and like- body image issues? This is a fucked up little diary entry and I’m going to delete it later- this is purely for catharsis & self-reflection after I’ve had some sleep.

And a note to that one very close friend who may read this despite being warned off: I know it’s stupid on some level, I know this started like 2 weeks ago, and I am yelling here so I DON’T yell in your direction again so shoo.

.

.

I like to think I’m someone who handles bigotry well. Most of the time, things slide off me like water off a duck. I’m at this point pretty visibly gender non-conforming, because I’ve been on T for like a year and a half, but refuse to cut my hair off. Microaggressions pretty much mean nothing to me at this point, I hear them all the time, and 99% of the time they’re unintentional and from complete strangers in a town I don’t really like anyway.

Sometimes people are deliberately cruel- but then I can just avoid them, and that’s the end of it. Even at work, where I might have to see certain patrons regularly, there’s juuust enough protections in place for me that I can reasonably refuse to interact with them after they’ve said something, and if I were to gather up the energy to go to HR about it, they’d at least probably be talked to about it.

It hits a little different coming from someone I know online who I thought of as friendly, if not a friend.

It especially hits different when it’s about something I’m not- used to.

Specifically, it hits really fucking hard when it’s comments like ‘it makes me want to gag’ and ‘seriously nobody wants to see that’ and ‘Ive never seen this side of trans’ ( grammatical nightmare aside, that IS a direct quote ), and these comments are being made about an OC that I chose to update an old femme design into a transmasc one. One that I chose to keep the old art of around because the whole point is that we trans folx don’t just pop out of the womb with top surgery scars.

And with the bulk of that disgust being directed at the fact that, when drawing a nude body reference of this OC, I drew him with a vagina ( can I still say vagina on tumblr? ). You know. Like... Trans men are typically born with. Like a great majority of trans men have, because bottom surgery is expensive and painful and frankly doesn’t really work as well when it comes to giving you functioning parts as one would assume. They can’t just- graft a dick onto someone.

It’s like people wanna support us until they’re confronted with the reality of what being trans means.

And I guess this just hits hard because I already struggle with feeling-- like I’m wanted on like, a very basic level lmao, but particularly with internalising a lot of rhetoric and frankly narrow representation of transmasc people ( skinny or buff af, white, short hair, no hips, only clockable by voice or height, still hairless somehow, and either wearing a strap in sexytimes or not sexy at all ) that excludes someone who presents the way I do pretty heavily on multiple counts.

So someone making those kinds of comments because they don’t like that I re-designed an OC to reflect parts of my experience- parts of my body that I am struggling to love, but can love more easily on a piece of fiction made out of pixels- I guess it makes sense that it’s circling around in my head even weeks later. And I’ve never really- felt hit by transphobia in this way- I’ve never felt cut directly by it before because I’m usually so fucking prepared, and so used to recognising when there’s a high risk and cutting people off before they have a chance to enact this kind of shit and hurt me with it.

I dunno I’m dealing with a lot of weird things for the first time in my life because my late 20s is a weird as fuck time to exist, and my body is changing from age and a second puberty at the same time, and some of those changes are amazing things that I’m happy about while others are waking a lot of internalised issues I never knew I had until now, and this was just a really fucking inopportune time for something like that to come along, and ever since those screenshots got shared with me I just- haven’t been able to feel right or comfortable. At first I thought okay, I am fueled by 99% spite, so I’m gonna draw SO MUCH transguy smut now, but--

every time I sit down to do it, I freeze up.

I don’t know why- this has never happened to me before. And I hate it. I hate that words not even spoken directly to me- maybe even because they weren’t spoken directly to me, because then I have to wonder how many other people are secretly saying and thinking the same things- can make me question my body, question what I draw, question-- so much about myself. I fucking hate it.

[here4theheartbreak]

I SAW THE NEW BABY CLOUD!!!! ☁️

Woosanhwa eating the peppers for the kids was so funny! Wooyoung looked so close to tapping out. Ahhhhh.

It was so cute when the twins didn't want it to be over, they just wanted their uncles! And Jaeyul also wanting to stay with Hwa? Plus, the way he wanted to sit with him to eat and pulled out his chair?? SO SOFT. TOO SOFT. I AM DEAD.

Octo-parenting~ 😂 A child per dorm would be a great thing to watch!! Imagine Yunho and Yeosang with a little kid by themselves. Cuteeee~!

Ah, I also don't want it to be over! EVER!! @ KQ make it Wanteez!!!

Imagining Wooyoung waiting at Hongjoong's door, just to speak to him without honorifics at the stroke of midnight, is entertaining me no end. Hongjoong would be furious but, as we know, Wooyoung likes to be shouted at and mistreated so, even as he runs for his life, he'd be loving it. 😂

Hongjoong definitely won't care about Hwa being his hyung for real, he's such a reliable and important person in his life. But they're already teasing each other about it and I love it! His '아이고 형님~~~~ 형.님 형!님!^^' on bstage was so adorable. Ahhh I love them so much! They're perfect. My hopeless men who can't make friends easily. 🥺

Yesssss. K-drama prime suspect Yunho?? AMAZING. I WANT IT NOWWWWW. He could play such a potential terrifying, confusing, compelling character. He has the depth and expressions down for sure!

Let me try and drag other Ateez shows out of my head... Stressor Things. Pirate Reboot. Curse of the Money Hole. Parasite Double Up. The Vikings. That's all I can think of but I feel like I'm missing something obvious. 🤷‍♀️😂 They're all from universe. I have a link somewhere. I'll message it separately when I find it!

Did you see that fancall of San talking to a trans fan today? He's so sweet and patient. Our Choi San is a comforting hill, just like his dad wanted him to be~! ⛰️

Also, San lingering in the back of Seonghwa's live in a sheet mask. HAUNTING. 😂

!!!!!!!!!! Did you see SanHwa doing the Hard and Bouncy challenges with Minho? The way I lost my absolute shit. I never ever expected my two favorite groups from 2 gens apart to even share the same camera space, let alone do any sort of dance together, especially my top two biases 🥲 - I was not okay yesterday and my friends took every chance to remind me that it really happened - I was probably more excited about it than the damn members 🤣

Also YES - cast Yunho as prime suspect who makes everyone else uncomfortable and everyone thinks did it because he has all the motive and capability, but not the actual killer; that should be Yeosang, who everyone brushed off as sweet and in the wrong place at the wrong time, incapable of a murder so brutal. Wooyoung should be the comic relief rookie investigator that accidentally destroys/misplaces some piece of evidence that is vital to realizing it's Yeo 😂

Also yes I looked up the fancall after you mentioned it! (I completely forgot to respond until today bc my brain is made of swiss cheese, but still). I cried - holy shit, San was so gentle and knew exactly what to say. He didn't seem confused or weirded out or anything, just totally open and supportive and loving, and wanted to make the fan feel welcome and supported in the fandom and I just 🥲

Serious time here for a moment lol

This particular fan call really did mean something. Speaking personally and seriously for a moment, as a transmasc kpop fan, I do often feel alienated in the fandom. Not only because I worry about fans being uncomfortable (I won't go stealth for that reason, online, because I feel like that distinction between cis and trans is vital when historically cismen have been awful in fandom spaces like this) - but also because in my experience kpop boy groups themselves just kind of expect their fans to all be girls/women. (Younger girls/women but that's a different topic).

Not only are most songs gender coded for that (which most of Ateez don't seem to be, and let me tell you that is a huge relief), but there are times that the confusion or surprise when a member meets a male fan is visible and that just :/ is super upsetting in a way, because I worry they're weirded or grossed out, etc - esp given the historical cultural discrimination against the queer community - it's just hard to really know.

People can talk about supportive idols across the board until they're blue in the face - it's really easy to support in theory, donate to charities, say equal rights, etc - when you're not face with it.

So something like this - a one-on-one conversation that with someone openly of that community, that as far as San knew wouldn't be published on a public platform, etc - having him not even hesitate to be comforting and supportive - that really touched me. And to have him try so hard to get his support and love across in a language that wasn't his own, it just... Really really solidified how deeply, inherently good he is. (And made me 100% sure this was the group that will be my ult for the foreseeable future).

okay enough serious sappy crud

That live was absolutely horrifying, thank you. Seonghwa really needs to invest in a lock for his door when he does lives 🤣 or a spray bottle - just start spraying him like a misbehaving kitten when he creeps into lives like this 🤣🤣🤣

Also, I am so sad promotions are officially over 😭 - It's been a very very long time since I have followed a group's promotions all the way through to the end without getting absolutely sick of the same song performance 😭 - I usually give up after about week 1, but I had zero problem this time around and wish they had another week ����

Also thank you so much for that link!!! You are a life saver, I have a whole little mountain more of fun stuff to watch for a few weeks now! Thank you!!! My friend let me borrow her copy of the Break the Wall concert in Seoul that I need to watch too, so I'm simply delighted with the content I've got for a while now lol

[dilemmaontwolegs]

So, something that I think about a lot when it comes to Steve Rogers is that he came from an point in time where people were being (brutally) institutionalized for things like being gay. And while he’s a good example of not being the product of his time, I wonder if it left any impact on him. Having personally grown up in a hyper religious household with outdated views stemmed from homophobia, sexism, misogyny just to make a few, and realizing by the age of eight that I was queer was extremely traumatic to me for a lot of reasons, but circling back to the point. Especially with him having been sick his entire early life, my personal headcanon is that he’s bisexual. He grew up knowing not to talk about it, but heard time and time again that it meant there was something deeply wrong with him. That it was a sickness. It was only when he went through the serum trial that he realized, when he was still the same in that sense, that there wasn’t anything wrong with him. That it didn’t make him sick and there wasn’t anything to be fixed. He never projected those feelings before or after onto anybody else, but it helped open his eyes and make him better understand that part of himself. Then flashing forward to present day, he gets to watch ground breaking developments in equality and pride. Parades, legalized marriage, foundations, fierce allies, etc. At this point, I’m just indulging a lot of my own feelings/stuff that’s been on my mind with this one, but I was wondering if I could submit a request with you? I love the way you write and I think your blog is absolutely amazing. The idea I have in mind is that as incredible as all of these strides are compared to the time he came from, he slowly starts to realize that there’s still a long way to go. When he meets Transmasc!reader(he/him), they fall in love. They’ve managed to build as much of a domestic life as they can with Steve doing the whole Cap/Avengers thing, but it hits a point where Reader is happy. Not just with the life they have with Steve or their relationship, but how far he’s come and the person he’s become in spite of the odds he’s always felt stacked against him growing up. He takes the ultimate step to get the closure he needs, and decide to bring him back home to meet his parents. It would be the first time seeing his family since he’s started his transition (top surgery and testosterone) so he’s terrified, but hopeful, and he has his loving boyfriend with him, so he feels safe inserting himself in that situation again. But upon returning home, the family reunion goes about as well as you’d expect. Steve reaches his boiling point after listening to Readers parents consistently and systematically misgender/dead name him. So, Steve (aggressively) stands up for Reader and they leave, but in the aftermath of it all, Reader is distraught and heartbroken and slightly dysphoric from the way his parents talked about him, calling him the “sweet little girl” they used to know and treating him like some kind of monster. Steve being Steve, comforts him through this. Validating and reassuring them all the while. I understand that this is a heavy topic, so I completely get it if you don’t want to write it, but thank you anyway for your time and reading this far -💙

I love your head-canon! It would make so much sense that the serum fixed all his ailments but he was still attracted to men so of course it proves it’s not a sickness 💙

It was so hard writing this because I absolutely hated the readers parents and just trying to imagine having to face any piece of shit who isn’t accepting (especially blood), made me want to drown them in a vat of Carolina reaper chilli sauce because it is hotter than the fiery pits of hell. 

Thank you for trusting me to write this and I hope you enjoy it 💙

Found Family || Steve Rogers x transmasc!reader

Warnings: syringe/injection, transphobia (this is not condoned!), angst, fluff WC: 2268

Main Masterlist || Steve’s Masterlist

You stood in front of the mirror, as you often did, finding yourself deep in thought as you looked at your changing body. For so long you had hated mirrors because they could never reflect who you were, but now you traced the fading lines on your chest with a smile. You couldn’t believe how heavy those two lumps of flesh had weighed on your mind every day until they were gone. 

Movement pulled you away from the scarring and you saw Steve waking in the bed behind you, a sleepy smile growing as he saw you standing in all your glory. His hand reached out from under the warm blankets and you let him pull you back into the bed and into his strong arms. You snuggled under the blankets with your head on his shoulder as he continued his leisurely wake up, knowing there was nowhere he needed to be today.

“Good morning sleepyhead.” You greeted as he stretched an arm over his head, the blond hairs along it glowing in the mid morning light.

“G’morning.” He yawned before curling himself back around you and kissing you sweetly. “Can we just stay here all day?”

You sighed as he brushed his nose along your jawline, teasing the beard that was starting to fill out. “It’s Saturday, remember? We have dinner at my parent’s.”

Steve’s lips curled up and his smile widened. “Of course I remember. I finally get to meet the people who made my perfect boyfriend, I really do need to thank them.”

A slither of doubt crept in at the thought of seeing your parents for the first time since you started your transition but it was something that you needed to do. Steve could see the light in your eyes fading as you began to worry and he pulled you closer, hooking his leg over your hip.

“No matter what happens, I’m going to be by your side the entire time.” He promised. “And, if you feel uncomfortable at all we can leave.”

You nodded, not trusting your voice as you thought about how lucky you were to have such a supportive boyfriend. Even when Steve had to go away for work he would answer the second you called, he put you first and it meant the world to you. Needing to show him just how grateful you were, you claimed his lips with a hungry kiss and ran your hand down the hard planes of his chest. 

Unfortunately your alarm went off on your phone and you groaned as you reached over and found the notification that it was time for your weekly testosterone injection. With a rueful smile, you rolled away and went into the bathroom before hearing Steve’s footsteps follow. You had been taking the doses for almost a year and it had left you with the perfect routine, Steve resting on the edge of the bath as he used an alcohol wipe to clean the site on the outside of your thigh, while you prepared the syringe for him. 

You gripped the vanity and tried to relax the muscles in your legs but you were never fond of needles and that hadn’t changed just because you had weekly injections and monthly blood tests. It actually made you hate them more. 

“Relax, babe. Take a deep breath in…and out.” Steve soothed as he looked up to check you were listening before pushing the needle into the meat of your thigh. “Atta boy, all done.”

He stuck a small BandAid over the reddening spot before standing up and sweeping you off your feet. “I’m perfectly capable of walking.”

“I know.” He smiled, continuing on his way back to bed with you in his arms. “I just don’t want you going through unnecessary pain walking on it. And, I like being able to hold you like this.”

You smiled back and nestled your head onto his shoulder, the hard muscles not making for a great pillow but if you have a choice you would still choose it over the softest pillow ever created. He barely even jostled you as he laid you on the bed and climbed back in beside you, another perk of his super soldier strength. You cosied up to his side knowing you had a few hours to kill before needing to get ready for your parents and the dull ache in your leg would hopefully have subsided before you left. 

The moment your parents opened the door you could feel something wasn’t right. The usual excitement at your arrival was sedate and their arms barely touched you as they gave you feeble side hugs. You were shuffled out of the doorway and into the house before you could even introduce Steve and you hoped it was because of the cool weather and the warmth inside escaping - not because they didn’t want the neighbours to see that you were no longer ‘the girl next door’.

“Mom, dad, this is-”

“Captain America, yeah, we kind of figured that.” Your father said as he tucked his hands into his pockets.

“It’s just Steve, sir.” Steve said as he held his hand out before dropping it when your dad made no attempt to shake it and turned to your mom instead. “This is a lovely home you have.”

Her smile was short and she looked at the picture hanging on the wall of you in a bright pink frilly dress she had dressed you in as a child, her finger reached out and traced the image. “It certainly was. We wanted everything perfect for our little girl’s return but...”

A small sob escaped and she dabbed her eyes as she looked between you and the picture.

“It’s alright darling.” Your dad said as he wrapped his arm around her shoulders, almost glaring at you for being the reason she was upset. “We will get our sweet girl back, honey.”

You could feel your own tears welling and your shoulders slumped as all the confidence you had grown over the past year was erased within seconds. Steve’s hand slipped from yours as his 6’2” frame shielded you from your parents, your trembling hands clutching the material at the back of his shirt.

“You should be ashamed of yourselves.” His Captain’s tone boomed in the small hallway, startling your parents from the sound of your mom’s gasp. “I can’t even tell if you are ignorant or just cruel.”

“Excuse me?” Your father growled as he stepped chest to chest with Steve despite being much shorter. “Who do you think you are coming into my home and talking to my family like this?”

Steve reached behind him so he could pull you around his body and hold you to his side as he stared down your dad. “I’m the man who loves your son, and I won’t let anyone, family or not, disrespect him like you are.”

Your mother scoffed as she took a step to your fathers side. “We don’t have a son.”

“You’ve always had a son.” Steve shook his head sadly.

“I just looked a little different.” You murmured as you looked at the photo.

“A little.” Your mother rolled her eyes. “I took you bra shopping, we would get our hair done. Now you’ve grown a beard and cut your hair. I don’t even recognise you anymore.”

“It doesn’t change who he is as a person.” Steve said, his hand brushing his hair back as his blood pressure rose.

“Stop saying that!” Your mother all but shouted. “Her birth certificate clearly states female. I gave birth to a girl and just because she is going through a phase, that doesn’t change.”

You whipped your head back and forth, tears spilling over your cheeks as you realised your dream reunion would be merely that, a fantasy. Your parents had shown their true colours and couldn’t let go of the past so now they would be gone from your future. Wiping your eyes, you reached into your back pocket and unfolded the paper you had been saving to raise a toast to over dinner but there was no way you could break bread with them again.

“Actually, it says male.” You sniffled as you held up the revised birth certificate you had applied for. “I made a copy for you, I thought we could celebrate together.”

You folded it back up and tucked it into the picture frame, your parents leaning away from you as you reached pass, like they could catch an illness from you. The pain was sharp in your chest as you stepped back and started to head to the door, unable to look at their disdain any longer.

“You thought wrong. Take this.” Your dad tore the certificate from the picture and flicked it at your feet. “Our daughter is dead and we don’t want a stranger under our roof.”

Steve moved quicker than you could blink and suddenly your father’s feet were off the ground. The slam of him hitting the wall rocked the portraits that hung along it, some even falling to the floor and shattering glass across the tile.

“You don’t deserve to call yourselves parents, you’re just pathetic.” Steve seethed as he slammed your father back again while your mother screamed and tried to push him away. It wasn’t until he looked at you, seeing your heart crumbling in your eyes, that he dropped your dad and picked you up. “We never have to come back here again, I’ll be your family and you’ll be mine.”

You nodded as you dropped your head to his shoulder, releasing the rest of the tears you had managed to hold back. Steve hated to hear you cry and it took everything in him not to turn back and throw your parents through the whole damn wall for what they said. It had taken a long time to get to where you felt comfortable enough in your own skin, and then you had built up all your courage to visit them. You did not deserve to be treated how you were. You knew all this, and Steve reminded you as he buckled you in and raced around the car to the drivers side, but a small part of you wondered if you could have survived living a lie just to keep your parents happy, would it have been worth it.

“Y/n!” Steve called out and you jumped as you looked around and found you were parked in your garage, the entire drive lost in the depths of your mind that was full of what ifs. “I called you three times.”

“Sorry,” you murmured, “lost in thought.”

“Talk to me.” He reached over the console and took your hand, missing your usual reassuring squeeze you always gave him. “Hey, look at me, forget about them, they are not worth wasting time on.”

“I know, it’s just…” You couldn’t even articulate how you felt, they were your parents, they were supposed to be supportive.

“Every single thing they said was stupid and wrong.” Steve said as he ran his hand along your shadow of a beard and turned your head to face him. “You have come too far to let a couple of assholes make you doubt yourself. You spent your life fighting a war in your own body but now you love who you are and that is all that matters, fuck everyone else.”

Your eyebrows were halfway up your forehead as you heard Steve curse twice in quick succession, he only swore when he was extremely passionate and to hear him swear for you almost meant more than what he was saying. He was right, until an hour ago you had been the happiest you had ever been and you wanted to go back to that place. Nodding in his hands, you placed yours over his and gave them a squeeze.

“You’re right.” You whispered. “Thank you.”

Steve could see your heart wasn’t fully in it but it was no longer breaking in your chest and he made a promise to himself that he would do everything he could to make you happy once more. “C’mon, let’s open that bottle of champagne you’ve been saving. We still need to celebrate.”

You got out of the car and met Steve halfway around, his hand already waiting for yours before he towed you into the house until he stopped in the living room. You looked around the room that was adorned with his artwork and froze at a new addition hanging over the fireplace.

“Do you like it?” He asked, quiet apprehension in his voice as he stepped up behind you and wrapped his arms around you. “I wanted to do something special to mark the day.”

Your throat constricted as you stared open mouthed at the detailed picture Steve had drawn. Somehow with a charcoal pencil and sketching paper he had managed to capture your likeness and the pure joy in your eyes as you held your new birth certificate up. He had immortalised your happiness in a single image and the slither of doubt your parents had cruelly set under your skin disappeared. That image was your truth, it was your validation that settled the pit in your stomach and you turned to face Steve.

“Thank you.”

Steve’s smile grew as he felt your entire heart and soul in those two words. “I love you and I hope you know I would do anything for you.”

“This is more than enough.” You kissed him as your fingers slipped under his shirt and up his chest. “I love you too.”

[levmada]

ftm!Levi headcanons [Erurihan]

this is part 2/3! read part 1 here.

i go over other facets of the trans experience in this one, notably periods and stupid assholes being ignorant, aka transphobia (mixed in with erurihan, obvi).

this part picks up on year 846 thru 848 (minimal spoilers)

finally, holy shit this got to another 3k before i had even more i wanted to say. the next part will be the last, promise.

//detailed talk of periods, transphobic behavior (pronoun misuse), detailed talk of female-to-male gender dysphoria

year 3 cont’d (846)

asides on periods (slightly scientifical)

disclaimer: There isn’t much of a bottom line on how periods impact any one person (e.g., how painful they are, how heavy they are, timeframes from start to end, even consistent cycles), and the degree to which menstruation bothers transmasc afab people differs, because they are all individuals. So, I’ll use personal experience to base ideas off of while taking into consideration Levi’s character.

Back in the stomping grounds of Levi’s youth, there sure as shit wasn’t a 5-star banquet waiting at home—ever. Even before the Fall, the desolate and the destitute of the Underground suffered from food shortages, rampant crime, and so on. The No Regrets manga states that the whole premise of the Underground was to build a haven safe from Titans for the population if the Walls ever fell; sure worked out real well, huh.

Anyway, not a lot of food. And in case you didn’t know, not eating enough=inconsistent, light cycles, or a lack of menstruation entirely if things do in fact get that bad, to the point of starving. Kuchel most definitely didn’t live long enough to help teach Levi about anything having to do with it, and as funny as it is to imagine Kenny taking a (literal?) stab at it, there isn’t much canon info on his and Levi’s relationship, so whether Kenny would put in that kind of effort and whether Levi would bring it up in the first place is a bit of a moot point.

In any case: Levi would think he was dying, actually. Below his navel, it feels like his insides are being ripped to shreds, and he’s fucking bleeding—out of (what he would think) is the place he normally pisses from. Levi would go about it like an internal wound, probably, and not tell a soul. Let’s say he’s 13 or 14 to take into account high stress and lack of nutrition Underground. (If Levi was in his late teens/very early 20s when he met Farlan and Isabel, timelines would line up. I say that because he would have a better handle on the monthly bleeding by that time, Isabel being a factor and all.)

The first times: An internal wound that wrenches Levi’s guts and at times makes it so painful to move that when it starts he's usually forced to take refuge in a squat, a tiny hideout or even a shelter if he must. Levi would scrounge for makeshift bandages, and use any clean ones he finds because the blood ruins all his damn clothes—fucking nasty. Levi doesn’t tell Kenny at first, since he’s not around much at this point (~age 13), and he’d probably scoff at him anyway and remind Levi that he needs to learn to survive independently.

"If y’aren’t dyin’, ya shouldn’t be cryin’, yeah?"

As we know, Kenny took Levi in because he wasn’t such a piece of shit as to leave him to die, but he’s no parent, either. Kuchel had to do with this kindness (most likely). Kenny was her brother, but a man who slits throats for a living doesn’t make a good dad, either. In his own perspective, he could never be a father figure, not even if he tried.

Okay enough about Kenny sorry

Well, the bleeding and the pain stops eventually—obviously. I don’t think Levi would seek out advice from a physician (if there are any reputable ones Underground), and a trip Aboveground is too expensive to warrant it. Levi would probably just move on with himself and call it luck that whatever happened to him, stopped. Until the next month, that is.

Farlan would be the one to educate Levi I think 😭 seeing how I base events off the No Regrets manga rather than the OVA. Levi met Farlan first, and Isabel sometime later, when she was 11-13. He’d find Levi’s bloodstained undergarments/trousers while taking over for laundry (early on into their partnership I imagine), only for his stomach to drop at the sight of old blood soaked into the fabric.

“Tell me why the hell you were injured, n' didn’t tell me?”

Levi would pause from cleaning his knife, and stare at him. “I’m not. It just happens. F'you can’t handle a little blood, don’t do my fuckin' laundry.”

Levi was probably with the understanding that this only happened to him specifically, until Farlan informed him otherwise (not that he knew much more than Levi did).

The bleeding after that is just one of those sickening things about himself that Levi detests. It’s filthy and the whole 5-7 day process has a tendency to weaken or even leave him bedridden, but there’s nothing to be done for it—not while living Underground. Levi had a tendency for completely isolating himself during cycles, unwilling to face Farlan or even Isabel; which left the responsibility of bookkeeping and jobs in general up to the former.

present day

Hange would educate the fuck out of Levi on this subject, whether he liked it or not. I fully believe Levi could get away with hiding his cycles for so long, despite the fact that eating better meant more consistent/heavier periods. If he planned ahead, requesting time off for the worst days and sticking to paperwork on the better ones, then it worked out. That was until Levi and Erwin took to sharing the same living space.

Once it starts, there’s a real threat to the bedsheets Levi must take into account, and the supply of bandages going missing. But it doesn’t matter anyway because not even 12 hours in, and every time Levi moves to stand or does anything that rattles his core in some way, he’s biting back a wince.

He can’t avoid the one he lives with though, and it just so happens that Erwin is a perceptive genius that is trained acutely to Levi’s body language and all his little mannerisms. And for that matter, Hange is far too nosy not to investigate when Levi doesn’t turn up for training, a meeting, or when said meeting is cancelled altogether after Erwin starts asking questions.

“Levi?”

Levi can feel Erwin’s gaze scrutinizing him from behind his desk. All he’s doing is kneeling down to grab some files, but it feels like his insides are being eviscerated. He doesn’t indulge him.

Unswayed by Levi’s silence, Erwin stands. “I’m not blind, you know. Where are you injured?”

Levi ignores him again, grabs the damn paperwork and smacks it against Erwin’s chest when he’s gotten close. He has enough pride left to do that, and—with the emotional turmoil Levi goes through when he’s bleeding—it upsets him far more than usual to notice the height difference between them. Levi tells Erwin to drop it, that he’s fine, but it sounds grueling for him just to get the words out.

Erwin regards Levi—who at this point is clearly pained and upset, asks, “Why are you lying to me?”—before it finally clicks that Erwin’s intellect doesn’t stretch so far as to remember Levi’s birthsex. The latter presents himself so damn well that it slipped his mind, and only recently did Levi and Erwin begin sharing a living space. All this time, when it’s that time of the month, Levi has hid it from Hange and Erwin both without any problems.

I imagine around this time that Hange raps at the door (but doesn’t bother to wait before they enter) and bursts inside. Long have they been on a quest to find these two, because not a soul in HQ has seen the Captain or Commander all day.

Similar to the matter regarding chest-binding, Hange and Erwin are hard-pressed to garner a little information from Levi; it wasn't easy back then. But, with the passing of so much time, growing close to each other too, it’s easier. Just as well, the idea of menstruation requires much less explanation.

Erwin is supportive, but (I doubt) as knowledgeable as Hange concerning how it can be helped. There are herbal remedies to ease the pain, and proper products to stave off the bleeding. Cue Hange giving Erwin a crash course on the entire fucking science of the hormones and physiology of periods lmao.

coping

Levi is naturally stunned by all the crutches and new information, but as for the long winded science of it, there’s no doubt in my mind that he wouldn’t wanna hear it. It’s a frightening idea to him too—being cared for and treated tenderly during these times by Hange and Erwin, more than any other.

Levi wouldn’t want Hange to drop their research (despite how much he’s disgusted by it), he wouldn’t want Erwin to put commanding aside. In short, Levi doesn’t feel important enough to be made a priority at all. He’s definitely not a stranger to keeping himself alive all alone after all, but Erwin is downright insulted by the insinuation that Levi’s wellbeing doesn’t matter all that much.

Cue 2-3 days of mandatory medical leave per month for Levi, depending on whether the pain’s so grueling that it leaves him bedridden or not. It’s not as if Erwin and Hange can drop absolutely everything in equal measure to care for Levi (not that he’d want that anyway), but they sure as hell give him priority, alright?

Erwin will take some light reading or mission reports to the bedroom, and have Levi lay between his legs so the former can both work a little and massage Levi’s cramps away. As for cravings, and his much more abrasive moods during these times, I feel like Erwin is the most patient man in the world lmao. He’s not a natural caretaker, but he certainly knows Levi well enough that he can give him what he needs without him needing to say a word.

Hange is similar in this way (in canon, Hange is known for ‘translating’ Levi’s words seeing how he’s not the best at getting his point across), and they’re somehow super affectionate and in tune with Levi’s feelings??

“It’s ‘cause of all the lab-rats you keep,” Levi would mutter, but relax at Hange’s presence at his back, holding him close and pressing a pack of heated linen to his belly.

“Sure, dear.”

They’d kiss his temple, Erwin perched on the edge of the bed at Levi’s other side, maybe petting his hair while doing something else.

Really, Hange has personal experience. They know what it’s like besides just knowing all there is to know about it.

Levi can’t go on pretending like he hates every second that they’re there, either. He’s secretly incredibly thankful, and gets so fucking soft at them when his emotions are running high. I think this translates as small acts of service depending on his pain—for instance making small meals, or flitting Hange’s glasses back up their nose if Levi notices them straying. Also, much more sincerely returning physical affection, because always and without fail, Levi struggles to convey his feelings through words alone.

As an afterthought, I think Levi would almost exclusively wear Erwin’s button-downs and sweaters during cycles (both due to his chest swelling, feeling tender, and they’re comforting to him<3); he’d also keep a towel draped across his side of the bed at all times—regardless of whether it’s during those first few days or not—until Levi is sure it’s over.

(as a side note, Hange is equally well-taken care of during their own cycles, as light as they may be. More on that, in the next part.)

transphobia

It’s comforting to imagine—in wake of aot being a fantastical fictional universe—that real-life issues such as homophobia and discrimination don’t exist, but then again this would be a massive contradiction to some of the heaviest themes of the story. Even with humanity being proverbially trapped in a cage, people are bound to hold resentments against each other for the most unjustifiable of non-reasons.

No one’s gonna dare say a thing to Levi’s face, of course. Despite his size, his standoffish, no-nonsense personality is widely infamous all throughout the military, let alone the Survey Corps. Though, certain exceptions are bound to slip through the cracks. New recruits that are way in over their heads with an ego the size of a fucking Titan, usually, or the occasional tonedeaf politician/noble.

The way Levi deals with this when it’s said to his face or within earshot (and given it’s no one other than a member of the Survey Corps)—is a scathing insult, or a threat, naturally. And if they go on, Levi will gladly give the bigot an ass-beating. It’s that simple.

“Tell me what you just told him to my face, you piece of shit. I dare you.”

However, if it isn’t a situation like that, but rather a pompous asshole the Survey Corps or Erwin’s reputation could get in hot water over, the best Levi can do is glare with all the vitriol he’s got and bear it.

Lastly, underhanded talk and gossip happens all the time. If Erwin or Hange catch wind of anything—especially Erwin—they’re good for backhanded compliments and undermining the person’s intelligence with sly comments and underhanded insults. Erwin will even go further than that in the name of the kind of man Levi is (truly, there is miles more to him than his gender): he’ll manipulate the situation into making the bigot look like a fool (if it’s a member of the brass or a noble) and if it’s a member of the military like an MP, Erwin is conniving enough to report them to their superior. Given the small nature of the crime, he’ll usually lie, but who’s really gonna disbelieve Commander Erwin, let alone take the word of a footsoldier over his own?

year 4-5 (847–848)

gender dysphoria

By this point, Levi has been with the Scouts a long time, but the effects of gender dysphoria have remained a dark, oppressive constant through almost his entire life. The difference between a dark, decrepit life in the Underground and Aboveground is the full support of those Levi is closest to, besides chest-binding, and the proper changes to the clothes he wears; pronouns, too.

The point is: Things will never be perfect, not 100% right. There are good days and bad ones, not that Levi is particularly inclined to ever let the bad ones even show.

Some days, he can hardly go out in public without three layers of clothes and a permanent glare set on his face—if he could, and regardless of how small it is, he’d tear his fucking chest off because it isn’t right. It doesn’t feel right, and it never has, but the best he can do is bind, push through it all, and cope.

At the worst of times, even his sharp facial structure or eyelashes is enough to disrupt Levi’s entire mood. He’ll push through with grooming himself in the mornings anyway (of course), but that doesn’t mean he isn’t hating his body the entire time, either.

transphobia (again) / the worst parts

The most destructive trigger for Levi’s gender dysphoria is the showy political events he’s dragged to by Erwin every month or so, whether to gain favor with the brass, or to attain funding for the Scouts. It’s not as if Levi is forced to go exactly—Erwin on many occasions has offered to go alone or bring Miche/Hange instead—but Levi knows his own reputation with the public, and in turn, how advantageous it is to go along. All the shiny, illustrious bullshit never fails to make Levi’s skin crawl, so the best thing to do is stick by Erwin’s side and keep his mouth shut; the latter especially, seeing how Levi’s buttons are easily pressed at these things, and his smartass attitude isn’t helpful. In fact, no matter what Levi says, his words are often taken the wrong way, even if he does mean well.

This has earned snide remarks of being called ‘the Commander’s dog’ more than once. ‘Mutt’, too, seeing how no one in the inner Walls could ever quite let go of the ‘rags-to-riches’ story everyone paints of Levi: “Incredible, Commander Erwin. How do you take an Underground street-rat and integrate her into society? Much less make her your most important soldier?’

Remarks like this make Levi see red—if he’s holding a glass at the time, it’s prone to cracking in his hand, but in any case he can rarely go on without excusing himself and storming off somewhere to wrangle his temper. It’s just as bad for Erwin, who can’t even get away with a scathing reply or insulting the offender (depending on how wealthy they are) without devastating ramifications.

Transphobic remarks are worse, though usually, to the outside observer Levi’s ‘condition’ is reduced to him just being ‘different’ or ‘very strange’—ignorant people don’t even have the means to be all that insulting, given they’re ignorant enough.

Never has Levi felt smaller however than when he’s referred to as a woman again. Nobles and politicians can utter snide remarks all day, but the one thing no one can refute is the fact that Levi is female. Regardless of how he hides his hips and his face and hell, his entire body, as much as he tries to mask his appearance and change a purely unchangeable facet of himself, they can never be wrong about that fact.

Levi never, ever wears a dress to those soirees or anything even remotely showy. If he’s able, he’ll don his uniform and cape for reputation purposes. A majority of the time, Levi is as preened up as Erwin: a pressed three-piece suit and bowtie, elegant dress shoes, and so on. As damn frustrating as it is, sometimes Levi will get to feeling like he needs to claw his skin off, burn away and emerge from the ashes a brand new man, anyway.

Levi won’t beg for support, not even when he can’t catch his breath, everything feels wrong, and he can’t bear even being seen by Erwin and Hange, of all people. As Levi has done for the vast majority of his life, he’d rather pretend nothing is wrong and suffer alone.

Hange especially won’t be having that, naturally. Once they get word and figure out Levi is having a hard time, they’ll even speak through a damn door to reassure him; if he really does need to be alone, they’ll go. But if he says nothing and maybe even lets them in eventually, they’ll happily wrap Levi in a fleecy blanket, and keep him company (most times in amicable silence). Erwin is the same in this way, though he isn’t afraid of completely contradicting Levi’s disordered feelings with a level-head, and more often than not, he will allow Erwin to pull him into his arms. This in spite of how much Levi weakly objects and tries his utmost to act tough.

“Who you are is what you make of yourself, and your actions. It’s no concern of them then, whether you’re a man or a woman.” Erwin gently buries his hand in Levi’s thick locks of hair. “Your reputation should speak for itself.”

“I know that.”

Levi harshly bites down on his lip and covers his chest. Protectively, Erwin’s hold grows a little more snug, as if he’s swaddling Levi with his arms.

Erwin makes his voice hush, “You’re not broken, my love.”

“...I know.”

previous part | main masterlist | erurihan masterlist | last part

[subtley-peculiar]

Yet again nobody asked but here's my Danganronpa: Goodby Despair Gender and Sexuality Headcanons!

Hajime Hinata: He/Him, I personally think of him as a cis guy but i love fanart and writing made by people who interpret him as a trans guy! I think he's polysexual and polyamorous

Akane Owari: Any Pronouns, I feel like bigender in a girl & non-binary way makes the most sense to me. Pan and Demisexual

Byakuya Twogami (Imposter): They/She/He, Non-Binary Genderfluid icon. Aro and Ace-spec, mainly expiriences alterous attraction.

Chiaki Nanami: She/They (thinks neopronouns are neat and doesn't mind but they aren't significant enough to her for her to include them), Asexual and Pan (mostly going off of my own experiences here but) easily has what she thought to be crushes but realized they were all alterous.

Fuyuhiko Kuzuryuu: He/Him, trans man. Got to transition at a very young age but considering the people he had to be around his perception of manhood is kind of toxic so he gets dysophoric about alot of things, he's working on it tho. Bisexual but going along with my previous statement it took alot of time for him to come to terms with this because he had alot of internalized homophobia.

Gundham Tanaka: He/They/It, is he cis? probably not, but def a man. Probably is a guy but feels like it in abstract concepts because gender is weird so i think he would technically define himself as demiboy. I think he is Asexual (sex favorable tho) and omni with a preference for men.

Hiyoko Saionji: She/Her, Bisexual. Only brings it up to be a bitch tho. Other than that she doesn't really mention it....unless she is crushing on a girl but even then kind of secretive because feelings are complicated and her wanting to show affection to crush comes out as insults because she struggles to articulate her feelings.

Ibuki Mioda: She/They/Xe/Zir/It/He (yes, that order specifically), Trans girl, after feeling comfortable in her presentation and femininity she questioned what she was fine with being called and all that. May possibly be non-binary but very much punk rock chick energy. Asexual Biromantic, polyamory is cool <3

Kazuichi Souda: He/They, Transmasc non-binary. Bi with a preference to men. Figured that out after realizing he's been a piece of shit to sonia. Very much internalized homophobia

Mahiru Koizumi: They/She, Non-binary Lesbian.

Mikan Tsumiki: She/Her. Omnisexual, she can like anyone but tends to be attracted to fem presenting people or masc presenting people.

Nagito Komaeda: He/Him, but says he doesn't care because he's a people pleaser with no self esteem. Gay, very much liking men. Thinking about it he's been into Non-Binary people before.

Nekomaru Nidai: He/Him, Very much an ally, very much straight ally...or so he thought. Gay

Peko Pekoyama: She/Her, Transgirl, transitioned earlier on like her boyfriend fuyuhiko. They definately traded clothes. Aroflux, heterosexual.

Sonia Nevermind: She/Any, is intrigued by non-binary people and likes learning about peoples relationships with gender, she actually enjoys studying about it. they redefined her relationship with femininity because of it. She doesn't label herself.

TeruTeru Hanamura: He/Him, Pansexual

[mistsofavalon13]

Not a girl. As an enby, you should know better than to jumping to gendered labels. You're an ignorant child at best and a malicious piece of shit at worst. And it's not just a t.v. show. It's a cultural phenomena that fetishy freaks like you are turning into the abuse apologia fest. You don't actually care about queer men (unless it's watching them suffer) and your idea of good queer rep for them is abusive relationships (you're an Izzy stan... That tells me literally everything I need to know about the kind of person you are and your attitude towards mlm people).

as much fun as it is to have anon hate for the first time since 2016, i’m gonna nip this fast. first off, apologies for the gendered term! it was used humorously and i meant it in a gender neutral way. next, i haaate the term ‘enby’ and you shouldn’t use that for nonbinary people unless you know they’re cool with it.

third, i actually hate izzy!! so fucking much! he’s a pathetic piece of shit and i want to see him drown in the ocean for what he’s done. however, he’s a well-written, multifaceted, fictional character. because of that fact, making fun of him and enjoying how his actor interacts with fans doesn’t mean i condone the character’s actions. basic media literacy and an ability to critically consume stories makes it possible to enjoy ‘villainous’ characters while also hating them and their actions. send an ask like this to a transmasc hannigram blogger and see how they react to your argument.

also, don’t assume that i make light of abuse or condone it in any way. i also don’t even understand what you mean by “your idea of good queer rep is abusive relationships” when i don’t ship him? with anyone? i hope he sticks around in season 2 because he’s an interesting character and con is a fun actor, but i want him there so he can be fuckin punished. i also think it would be funny if lucius and pete bullied him into accepting love, but that isn’t a requirement. as a queer person who cried with every queer kiss on the show and still tears up a bit thinking about how i never saw wholesome, healthy queer rep like this on tv as a kid, i don’t appreciate being accused of shit i don’t support. izzy can rot for all i care, i just want the three main couples reunited and happy asap.

i agree that ofmd is extremely important and represents a lot for folks like us, but it’s still a show. it’s changed my life in a positive way, but it’s not a religious text. it’s a romcom, man.

[angelspenance]

so how's Komaeda treating you what are your thoughts

Augh. Nagito….. there’s so much wrong with them every time they opened their mouth it was like babyboy don’t say that (self recognition through the other 😔) but in all essence. Get help bestie there’s something so wrong with you <3. They will have a strict morality that only they understand. They will hate themself so much. They will have a deep profound inexplicable attachment to Hajime and confess their love to him 2 (two) times. Once while suffering from Deathbed Lying Disease & the other immediately followed up with “Uhm. Aha. In love with that sleeps inside of you. Lmao.” They set his ass up during a trial only to clear his name. They’re so mentally ill. Obsessed with their friendship with Chiaki like the scene where Akane’s strangling them and they’re not fighting back but Chiaki slaps her did Something to me as well as the dr 3 anime. Chapter 5 did Something and a half to me esp the way their death was described and Hajime saying shit like “good and bad it was still Nagito” & “that’s our Nagito (half derogatory half something else).” Also obsessed with how they’re like sometimes murder can be justifiable but if you don’t respect women you die and go to hell. Anyway I think they’re arospec ala their whole thing with Hajime being so *vaguely gestures* & ace considering the One Scene in the anime as well as I Know. They’re also some kind of transmasc (just want their tits gone & to retain their pretty boy swag because somebody complimented them on it Once. Maybe they get their tits blown off in that plane crash thanks to their luck who’s to say) & xenic not sure what type but knowing me soon enough I’ll hit them with the angelgender swag beam should I see like. One more piece of art of em in a specific light 😔 anyway cringe fail Nagito Komaeda peace & love on planet eart <3

Something wrong with them ^_^

[variousqueerthings]

Okay, something on the other side of this ramble

Another ramble and I will call it… 

The Horror In Sports Films

(it’s more about Johnny Lawrence with a side of Ash Williams this time)

1. Horror and Punch-Kick-Emotions films (whatever they’re called – hand-to-hand fights in front of an audience with Feeling after which man is allowed to cry, so not like… Shootfighter or Bloodsport, those are different Types of Movie) are very formulaic

2. The former allows for a rare-in-film depth of feeling from female protagonists at the cost of being the victims of extreme violence (The Final Girl) – the latter allows for a rare-in-film depth of feeling from male protagonists at the cost of semi-willingly engaging in violence (Rocky/Creed, Raging Bull, Warrior, The Fighter)

3. You’ve very seldom got some Final Boys (Nightmare on elmstr 2, Evil Dead, Chucky, Get Out) and Female Sports Stars (Million dollar baby… and… ? Beautiful Boxer? Somewhat different vibe in that it is actually a trans story, but still, it has that je ne sais quoi – queer feeling in obvious abundance. Girlfight… I haven’t seen that one sorry) and when you do, the questions about Gender Roles are mixed up like shaking a test tube and they’re not reaaally as popular, because cis straight fans are terrified of identifying with something that’s, you know, *whispers* more obviously gay (unless the Final Boy is a child or Does Action!)

4. A nightmare on elm street 2 and Karate Kid are both very different to their genres’ formula due to the lead – in Karate Kid they get away with this until the third movie, which we can and have talked about forever and ever

So: Ash Williams (Evil Dead) and Johnny Lawrence – Queer Final Girls also? (I mean, yes) and also The Monster (also yes)

Horror in sports: You’re trying to be A Man. You have to suffer before you’re allowed this title. You have to Prove Yourself and the ways to do this are counteractive to your physical health, your emotional well-being, and your relationships to others. And the true horror is this – you will never achieve Man. It is unachievable. You will simply suffer. And suffer. And suffer. And then you will die (maybe, after death, you will be remembered as A Man, maybe this twisted kind of saintliness is the only thing you can aspire to, because the alternative is to No Longer Be A Man).

Is Johnny (while Daniel is going through his coming-of-age journey in the first movie) going through a horror film/juvenile Raging Bull?

And once we meet him again – similar to Ash Williams – he is Upholding Masculinity by being an alcoholic with c-ptsd, who is also racist and sexist, but hey, they… drive classic (shit) cars? And are emotionally stunted? And uh ‘checks notes’ like Babes and punch/shoot things! M A N ! ! !

JC Leyendecker, Tom of Finland, both famous gay artists who created images of men that were considered highly masculine, the first of which were literally considered the ideal American Man, the second of whose men are very similar to the kind of guy you’d see in American Action Films (The Schwarzenegger/Stallone Ideal). The kind of intensely muscled oiled up idealized man that straight men Love. (don’t y’all want to put straight men in test tubes sometimes? Just me?)

And here’s the thing about us-and-Johnny. Other people have spoken about it. Was it @nomercyonlytears (apologies if I’m misremembering) EDIT: have been told it was @palamedessextus - sorry! - who had that glorious piece about Johnny Lawrence/Billy Zabka “if I felt less I could talk about it more”, and I know there’s an overlap in fans of Johnny and fans of Ash, and we’re very queer, and some of us, I believe, are transmasc and/or NB and/or have experience with transness as it affects ourselves and/or gender ???? experiences, and variations thereof – but I won’t put words or identities in anyone’s mouth, this is all about me and about projecting the horror of Imperfect Masculinity onto Johnny, like I do with many cisgender men in narratives like this, because they really are Horrific, and I’ve had thoughts for awhile about the potential for trans and particularly transmasculine narrative (also other kinds like lesbian and particularly butch narrative) to… I guess be a better? A more rounded and self-aware kind of depiction of masculinity – and is the real horror that these stories can Never Be That?

and the thing about Raging Bull is that he has that self-awareness that he’s been Made Into Something Monstrous, but it’s an unsustainable model of self outside of the boxing ring – he doesn’t however, know how to not be that, and if someone did provide a template, he’d probably call it gay……

These are stories of Frankenstein Monsters – stories of a Flawed Violent Masculine that is both projected inwards (addiction, self-harm, inability to connect) and outwards (racism, sexism, fighting-which-is-also-self-harm), and the second, the second someone were to take this to its natural conclusion and says… “uh, hey, that’s a mighty queer theme you’ve got there” the whole thing would become… idk… Something Else (something... queer....)

Final Girls are often saved or save themselves (also through a form of Transformation Into Monstrousness), but in this case the monster is masculinity, the way to be saved is also masculinity, but like… queer masculinity

we haven’t had a reckoning of that yet within these formulaic genres, as far as I am aware…

Ash Williams is especially in a strange place, because the narrative in the later series is presented through such a male-gazey, weirdly affirming camera (badass drug sequence – badass retraumatization sequence – badass self-hatred sequence), and the series was cancelled so I guess we’ll never know if there was any self-awareness there in the end (one of the final shots is objectifying a new female character and a Badass Car Upgrade so...)?

At least Johnny Lawrence looks close to tears every time something upsetting happens to him. Johnny really wants to cry and it’s a tragedy that he can’t

will he still be badass once he’s cried? (if he’s been beaten up enough it might even be allowed – the horror of Being A Man is that even if you fail or lapse, you are still required to Keep Going, because Toxic Masculinity Will Not Let You Go)

One day the Horror In Sports will come home to the same natural conclusion that Horror In… Horror is doing: It’s All Really Friggin Queer

(so are Ash Williams and Johnny Lawrence)