#but i’m okay now. somehow i made it out alive in one piece and i’ve come so far

[quinnyundertow]

Picking up the Pieces

For my bby Choso

MANGA SPOILERS BELOW

Angst with a happy ending, Hurt/Comfort

1,800 Words

Summary:

The fight with Sukuna has finally ended. Before he’s wisked off the battlefield the boy named Yuji begs you to try and save what’s left of his older brother.

AN:

I have been drowning in writers block. The manga has me so damn depressed and the one I want to live most right now is our baby Choso. He deserves to live that domestic life he never got to feel. Best big brother ever.

Picking up the Pieces

Choso had thought for sure he had died. No he definitely died. He had protected his little brother with his life. There wasn’t a more noble way to die. Now his brother would have the chance to thrive and grow old. Find a first love, have his first kiss, buy his first home. Have children that would have called him uncle Chocho. Never mind that Choso never had the chance to do any of those things either. Yuji would have the chance that he never did; and that made it all worthwhile.

“I’ve got you, just hold on.” Someone is talking to him. The voice is what he imagines angels sound like. Do curses get to go to heaven? Maybe death won’t be so bad. “Don’t you dare die on me.”

He’s so tired. More tired than he’s ever been in his existence. A part of him is annoyed you keep shaking him awake. Just let him rest for a minute. “Yuji needs you, so you can’t give up yet.”

Yuji? Who’s Yuji and why did he-? Yuji. Yuji! He takes a gasping breath in as his chest keeps getting harshly pushed on. He doesn’t know what CPR is but it’s painful. You keep pushing against his broken ribs. Don’t you know that’s excruciating? Wait, what about Yuji? “Yuji?” The words come out strangled and almost too low to hear.

“Holy shit you’re alive.” Your voice breaks with a mixture of relief and joy. “We're not out of the woods yet but damn it but we’ll get there!”

He tries to ask for Yuji again but all that escapes is a hacking cough from all the smoke he inhaled during his fight with Sukuna.

Thankfully, you somehow manage to understand and respond accordingly, “Oh, right. Yeah, Yuji is okay. Better than okay. Well I mean they rushed him to Shoko, our healer, but he’s gonna be okay. He’s not a vessel anymore. They won. I don’t know how they pulled it off but they won.”

The wave of relief that washes over him is visible. Your voice is coming in a little panicked now, “Woah, woah, woah! Nope! Yuji is okay but he still needs you. When they rushed him off he was asking for you. He begged me to save you. Said you’re the best big brother in the world.” Your tone warbles and his face feels wet. At least he thinks it does. Are you crying? Why are you crying? He’s a curse. You’re presumably one of Yuji’s companions, a sorcerer. Shouldn’t you want him dead? He’s straining to try and make out your features but you look like a shadow on a curtain or static on a tv. Are his eyes even open? Does it matter? He feels so nice, so warm. You’re cradling him and he can’t help but wonder if this is what his mothers love would have felt like. If his father wasn’t a rapist and if he hadn’t been born a monster.

“Shit, shit, shit. I’m losing him again!” Your voice is shrill and screaming as you wake him up again. You’re yelling names he doesn’t know, “Nitta! Nitta!” The sound is fading out. He can’t hear anything now. That’s alright. It’s perfect to go back to sleep to. He’s so warm and lovingly held. Just a little nap, well..maybe a long one. A nice long sleep.

~~

“I’ve got you, just hold on.” Your fingers keep slipping as you’re trying to do chest compressions. There’s just so much blood. The entire area reeks of it. Blood, smoke, dust. Smells of a battlefield. His pulse is so slow you’re not sure if it’s stopped or not. “Don’t you dare die on me.” This was bad. The worst you’ve ever seen. His body is so burnt and mutilated at this point he isn’t able to regenerate like a curse normally would. You try to infuse him with your cursed energy but it’s like his body doesn’t know what to do with it. It’s trying to shut down and you’re here telling it to work harder.

You can’t give up though. You’ve barely met the man in front of you but you know Yuji. As Shoko rushed Yuji off the battlefield his eyes had met yours. Choso’s name on his lips, his eyes a plea. “Please, Cho- tell him he’s the best big brother I could have asked for.”

The pain in Yuji’s eyes had been so raw. So visceral. Not even knowing what you were agreeing to you had yelled to Yuji, “I’ll do everything I can!”

So here you are. You aren’t sure if your reverse curse is even doing anything at this point. There are so many disconnected pieces of tissue. Blood vessels and veins so destroyed there is nothing left to repair. Nowhere for your technique to start. You can’t create something from nothing. He’s not breathing. Chest compressions. You’re throwing all the strength you have left into them. You vaguely remember someone saying you should push to the beat of “Staying Alive”. The song feels inappropriate in your head but it helps your timing. At least you hope it does.

The curse lying on the ground has given everything for his brother. Now you need him to live for himself. Grunting with exertion you manage to say, “Yuji needs you, so you can’t give up yet.”

When the corpse in front of you gasps you’re momentarily stunned. When are you supposed to stop chest compressions? Now? He’s hacking and you're trying to help him clear his airway. You're shocked he has an airway. Sukuna had practically obliterated him with flames. His lips are moving. You feel your cursed energy finally managed to find something inside of him it can work with.

Hands under his underarms, you pull. He’s not as heavy as you expected. Of course he isn't, he doesn't have anything left below the knees. You’ve managed to get his head resting on your thighs as you sit in the crumbling city turned battleground. He manages to croak out one word. “Yuji?” The word comes out strangled and almost too low to hear.

“Holy shit you’re alive.” Your voice breaks with a mixture of relief and joy. He would ask about his brother when he’s the one who is holding on by a thread. “We're not out of the woods yet but damn it we’ll get there!”

He’s giving this terrifying sounding cough that’s more liquid than air; but to cough means he has something there to cough with. His eyes open and his pupils are unfocused and blown. They don’t respond at all to light.

His brows are furrowing in panic when you don’t immediately respond, “Oh, right. Yeah, Yuji is okay. Better than okay. Well I mean they rushed him to Shoko, our healer but he’s gonna be okay. He’s not a vessel anymore. They won. I don’t know how they pulled it off but they won.”

His lip somehow manages to curl into a hint of a smile. He must not be able to feel any pain due to all the adrenaline. He’s relaxing against you and his eyes are closing. “Woah, woah, woah! Nope! Yuji is okay but he still needs you. When they rushed him off he was asking for you. He begged me to save you. Said you’re the best big brother in the world.” Your tone warbles and you’re yelling at yourself to hold it together. Tears fall from your visage on to his. You want to at least comfort him in his potential final moments.

Your hands go to rest on his cheeks. Your fingers lightly caressing him as you continue to give everything you have left in yourself to heal him. You brush his dark sweaty bangs off his forehead. His eyes open partially again staring into the sky. He’s rejecting your cursed energy again. “Shit, shit, shit. I’m losing him again!” You have to make an executive decision. You had been trying to give him the strength to kickstart his own regenerative capabilities but there’s not enough energy in him anymore to utilize it. You have to stop the bleeding. You have to sacrifice his legs below the knee if he’s going to survive. Rather than regrow the limbs like he normally would you focus purely on closing every open wound you can find. FUCK. Where is Shoko? Where is Arata Nitta? Someone? Anyone? There are too many wounded and dying. Not enough healers. Never enough healers.

A streak of platinum blonde hair in the distance catches your gaze, “Nitta! Nitta!” He was one of your underclassmen before you graduated. The Kyoto school is small enough to where everyone knows everyone. Nita’s looking for you in the rubble, unable to tell where your voice is coming from at first. “Arata!” His eyes lock on yours and he’s sprinting through the chaos. He looks like a track star the way he’s jumping building detritus like they’re hurdles.

He’s leaning over you trying to find where you are bleeding from but it’s all Choso’s blood. At least you think it is. “Can you help him?” Nitta’s face jerks down to what he had thought was a corpse in your arms.

He’s shaking his head no but he’s doing the movements for his technique. It won’t heal the curse hybrid but it will buy him time and at this point you’ll take anything you can get.

There’s a sharp tug in your gut as your cursed energy feels like it’s suddenly being siphoned out of you. You originally couldn’t find any of Choso’s energy to help him. Now large lifesaving gulps of your cursed energy flow into the man fighting for his life on your lap. You gasp in pain as you try to limit the amount of energy you are giving out at once. Choso’s not even conscious but instinctually his body is struggling like it’s drowning and you're the life preserver.

Nitta looks panicked, “He’s going to kill you!” You can’t afford to pass out now there are so many more people that need healing. Choso is unconsciously pulling you under with him. “This is a curse. It feeds off our kind. He’ll take from you until there’s nothing left.”

Shit. You feel like you’re going to faint. Choso’s eyelids are fluttering, they open as if seeing you for the first time. He’s clearly still delirious as his onyx eyes look at you confused. You visibly flinch, a groan in pain leaving you as he takes more of your energy. Understanding clicks in his brain and the rapid siphoning of your energy abruptly stops. Nitta is calling your name.

Nitta tries to pull you away from Choso so he can’t cling to your energy again, but you refuse to budge. You're not sure if Choso is even conscious despite his eyes jerkily roaming your face. Caressing Choso’s brow, you lean over him. Your lips are near his ear as you murmur comforting words. “I’ve got you. Everything is going to be okay.”

Chapter 2

AN:

If people want more I’ll continue. It just flowed out so here it is. Please don’t comment if you don’t have anything nice to say.

[dbzebra]

126 for marten :>

Sorry this took a little bit!

I love GT, especially the Baby Saga, so I wanted to try something with that! Imagine this being a little AU where Goten actually went with Trunks, Pan, and Goku to space like we was supposed to lol

I’ve always wanted to do a full Baby Saga rewrite with MarTen, but this’ll do for now lol

When Goten came back to earth after searching for the Black Star Dragon Balls with his dad and Trunks, he thought it was all over.

They had killed that bastard Baby and saved the planet.

Or, he thought so.

Baby had survived. Not only that, but the thing has infected the entire world. Even got Trunks too. He had no idea what happened to his father. Goten sensed Goku’s energy disappear a while ago…

Goten escaped all the way to Roshi’s Island. Everywhere else was compromised. When he landed, he wholeheartedly expected an infected Master Roshi to attack him.

The last thing he thought he’d ever see was a teary eyed Marron practically bursting out of the door, and throwing herself at him after she knew it was really him.

“M-Mar, what’re you doing here??”

“After everyone started moving to the Tuffle planet, I got away… that guy got my parents, Goten! I’d rather die on Earth then go to that horrible place. They were about to kill me, but Uub… he… he saved me. Then he brought me here because it’s so far from civilization that most forget it’s even here…

“Uub is okay?! Where is he now?!”

“I don’t know. He said he had to go after Baby so he left. What about you??”

Goten explained to her the whole story, about the Machine Mutants, Dr. Myuu, and Baby.

“We thought we killed him. We made sure of it. But somehow he survived. When we showed up here it was too late. You should’ve seen the look on Pan’s face when her own parents attacked her. She’s just a little kid, she doesn’t deserve all this…”

“how’d you avoid infection??”

“Luck, I guess. The thing attacked Trunks first. Trunks managed to expel it from his body. He went for me but Dad managed to blast him to pieces, and then in the chaos we lost him. He hides in people and we have zero way of knowing.. Even with my power, it wasn’t enough…. I’m too weak! My dad bought some time and ordered me to escape. I didn’t want to but—“ he frowned. “It’s my fault… My dads probably dead because I wasn’t there to help him.”

“Stop that!!” Marron shouted, surprising him. “You did nothing wrong, sweetheart. The fact that you’re alive now means we can still fight back. It was an unfair fight. I saw them. Gohan, Trunks, Bulla, all of them looked so twisted, following Baby’s orders like some sort of puppet. And I know you, Goten. You wouldn’t be able to fight them for real even if you tried. Your have such a big heart…” Marron gently kissed his cheek.

Goten smiled. “You’re right. We’ll figure something out… but man I’m hungry… let’s order food. I haven’t eaten since before I got back!”

Marron rolled her eyes. Only her Goten would say that at a time like this. “We’re literally fugitives of the state. If Baby’s forces find us, I’ll you’ll be killed!!”

“So no pizza?”

“Dummy! We have to think of a plan!”

Goten frowned. “Alright, lunch can wait. I do remember hearing my brother tell me a story about how him, Piccolo and your dad saved the world from Garlic Junior by finding this thing called the Ultra Divine Water. It purifies people.”

“That’s perfect!” Marron happily said.. “I can save my parents! And your mom! And everyone else, then we can go home!” She jumped up, ready to race out the door.

“Just one problem.” Goten grabbed his fiancé by the hand and gently pulled her back to the floor. It’s up on Kami’s Lookout. And I’m guessing Dende and Popo are infected too. Who knows who else is there.”

“Dammit…”

“They’ll sense us if we fly, and I’m still too tired to teleport, but i think we can use Nimbus. I can’t leave you here, so you’ll have to come with me. If I distract them, could you get the water for me?

“What if I fail… the world is counting on me… I don’t even know where it is! That temple is huge!”

Goten brushed a lock of hair out of her face. “You’ll be fine. I’ll be right there with you, babe. We got this, okay?”

“R-Right!”

Together, the young couple climbed on Nimbus and shot off towards the Lookout. As Marron clung to his back, Goten’s eyes flashed a brilliant green. “I’m coming for you, you bastard.”

[ambrosewriter]

Baptism of Betrayal

After Ayumi kills Naomi in the basement, she begins to realize the fate she has locked herself into.

This is an extension of Wrong End 2 ★4 of Chapter 5 in BloodCovered: Repeated Fear. !!This fic does not follow the ending faithfully, rather it is my interpretation of it.

I killed her.

Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.Ikilledher.

Euphoria coursed through my veins. 

I finally bested her. It took long enough for me to finally do it. Her blood stained my hand and the sleeve of my uniform a beautiful shade of red. The most beautiful I’d ever seen up until now. Who cares if it is the same color as Suzumoto’s, who is splattered against a wall? I welcome this new spider lily accessory; I’ll be able to wash it off soon anyway. My uniform might need a little bit more elbow grease, but that’s okay; so does my skirt.

“I’ll be taking this! Hehe.” I took the paper doll scrap from Nakashima’s hand. Somehow, rigor mortis has already set in, further pushing the narrative that time is moving differently here in this space. Her knuckles made an eerie clicking sound as I grabbed the piece of paper.

Now all that is left is to find Mochida. He must be hurt by the loss of his sister, poor girl. Maybe if she didn’t meddle in our business back in the classroom, she wouldn’t have been in this situation to begin with.

Rounding the corner, I found him sooner than I anticipated. “Mochida-kun!!” I called out to him, but no response. “Hey, come on! Let’s get out of here!”

He didn’t say a thing, never even made an effort to look up to me. Walking closer to him, I saw the thick, black mist surrounding him. The only thing falling out of his mouth at this point is “Yuka… I’m sorry… I’m so sorry….”

Satoshi Mochida is gone. There is no life in his eyes. No will to live. No hope like I saw moments before.

“No… the darkening. Not you too,” 

This curse has claimed another friend. Kishinuma is the second, as he is likely still standing by that incinerator in a more sorry state than Mochida. The boys are gone. Nakashima and Mochida found Yuka dead further in the basement. Nakashima is...

Nakashima… She’s… I…

“No… No. No. No. NOOOOO!!!”

I am the last person still alive. Everyone else is gone. The paper doll scrap I killed someone over is now useless. Without someone else to do the charm with, I have no way to get out.

The realization hit me hard. My knees began to give out. I backed away from Mochida to the middle of the intersection. One way made me face the unnecessary murder I had just committed, and the other made me face the reality of my permanent entrapment. I walked towards Nakashima. She lays on the dirt ground, bruised and bloody from where I pummeled her. I took a closer look.

The bitch is smiling at me. Even in death, she has a goddamn smirk on her face. Once again, she proves that I will never get what I want.

I ran away from the scene of my crime. I can’t take looking at either of them anymore. It felt like I was inhaling ice shards as I ran. The taste and smell of metal hit the back of my throat as I breathed. Anything is welcome to distract me from this hell I’ve put myself into.

Running past all the podiums and displays full of severed heads from countless victims who have been sent here, I made it to the basement door.

“Let me out!” I began banging my fists on the door, “Let me out! Let me out!” 

The door won’t give. It will never give. The warding charms on the other side are keeping it closed, and there is nothing I can do to open it. Whatever blood was still wet or malleable on my hand splattered onto the door. I pounded and pounded with the false hope that the hallway on the other side would show itself.

“Let me out, please!” I slid down the door and fell onto my knees. Tears began to fall down my face. My cries are only heard by the deaf ears of corpses. 

“Mom!”

“Nee-chan!” 

…

“Kishinuma!” 

How pathetic do I have to be to call out to Kishinuma, of all people? At this point, I am no different than Mochida, who is letting words stumble out of his mouth.

This school has bested me, finally cracked me. I am merely a human girl who cannot do anything other than whine, bitch, and complain. All of this is because of me. I was the one who found the charm; I was the one who suggested doing it. I cut out the paper doll so merrily, I made it a big deal with Suzumoto leaving.

My vision began to darken. Maybe it was the basement lights finally giving out, or I haven’t been breathing properly down here. Of course I wasn’t; the air here is thick, and I’ve been crying and wailing. It began to darken deeper. I raised my hand to look at the blood. It’s darker now, having dried up for the most part, with parts on the side of my hand peeking through from where it made contact with the door. 

Oh… I get it now. I’m succumbing to the darkening. It’s a fitting end for someone like me. I turned to rest my back against the door. The lightbulb’s glow grew dimmer as the hallway appeared to grow in length. That darkness at the very end looked as if it were crawling toward me. It reminds me of the weird stains on the floor when Yuki came to give Kishinuma and I her thanks.

Kishinuma… 

I never thanked him for coming back. He wouldn’t be able to hear me, but the gesture, I’m sure, would have been felt. I never apologized for being vile to him, either. Berating him back in our classroom was uncalled for. He was only trying to help make this situation better. Even after I said what I did, he still came in to help me. I’m not worthy of his love or admiration.

The darkness crawled closer.

Nakashima…

I should have just left her alone. If I did, we could have both left. I could have snagged Mochida’s scrap from his pocket. I shouldn’t have let my jealousy and anger get the best of me, or we could both be home.

Red eyes began to pop out from the darkness. They have no pupils, irises, or sclera; they’re just a flat red. The same eyes I saw back in 2-9. I felt all of them analyzing me. They felt familiar, almost like they were my friends berating me. 

Not long after the eyes, the voices began to speak up.

“How could you do this?” 

“Why did you kill me?”

“Why did you kill us?”

“It hurts so much.”

“Do you know what you did to us?”

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up!

“Don’t you think I feel guilty?! I didn’t want any of this!”

I took my newfound energy and sprang up to my feet. I ran back in, past the eyes, pushing out the voices. The hands were making desperate attempts to grab me, but failed.

How does one escape their own head? That’s all it is, my own mind working against me.

Wait.

My own head?

Running back past the trophies, around the maze, I find myself back at Nakashima’s corpse. She was still wearing that smirk on her face, like she knew what she was doing to me.

I let out a guttural scream and threw myself at her. I began clawing at her throat.

“Let’s shut you up, huh? HUH? Do you think you can get away with messing with me?! Last time I checked, I was the one who bested you! Who gave you the right to fuck with me?”

My hands found their way from her throat to her mouth. I dug my fingernails in and tore whatever skin off. It was in my way. I pushed past her teeth and dug my nails into her tongue.

“Do you know why those kids didn’t talk? It’s because Sachiko cut their tongues out! Haha, yes! So, if it worked for her, it should work for me too! Aha ha ha ha ha!”

My cheeks are stinging, but I don’t care. The euphoria I felt moments ago has come back with a vengeance.  

I continued to claw at Nakashima’s face until she was unrecognizable. Ripping her tongue out of her mouth caused blood to spray onto my face. If her mother saw her, I’m sure she would cry hysterically.

“Aha ha ha ha ha. Do you still feel confident now? The only reason why anyone would bother looking at you is because of your tits! That’s the only thing anyone would care about anyway!”

I stood up to admire my handiwork from afar. Blood dripped from my fingertips, the sound echoing through the empty halls. Laughter roared out of me. There was no stopping it. Naomi Nakashima was wounded beyond recognition to anyone but me. Only other unfortunate souls sent here will ever learn her name from her I.D.. 

Now everything on me is covered in red. The blood drying gave me a weird sticky sensation, but only on small patches of my skin. It was irritating. I want to wash it off, but this building has no working water.

I began to wipe off as much as possible, but all the fabric was stained after a while.

“Ghh… I need to get this off. But where… where?”

Aimlessly walking around, I found myself back at the body pool. It smells of death in here, so much so that anyone would vomit just by standing in the doorframe, but it doesn’t bother me at all. In fact, I walked in merrily to the edge of the pool and stuck my hands in.

“Weird, I thought it’d be cooler.”

The mixture of blood, viscera and rotten meat was oddly warm. Inviting, almost. Too inviting.

“Going further shouldn’t hurt, right?”

I sunk my arms up to my elbows. Then to my shoulders. Soon, I found myself fully submerged. I already nearly drowned once; a second time wouldn’t hurt. 

I put my head under and swallowed as much as I could. It tasted horrendous, but I couldn’t stop. Eventually, I began sinking further into the pool.

Why was I doing this?

Wait.

Why was I doing this?

Snapping out of whatever idiotic mindset I was in, I made vain attempts to reach the surface. None of them succeeded. I must lay in the baptismal font of my sins, as it is my punishment.

Slowly but surely, my memory from the past hour or so came back piece by piece. How could I have desecrated Nakashima like that? Even the first time around, I didn’t want to. What a pitiful person I am.

My vision began to darken again, but this time for good. Indeed, this is a fitting end for a betrayer like me.

a/n: thank you so much for reading <3 this is my first fic that i've published ! i do plan on making more Wrong End Extensions, so stay tuned :) i do have a ao3 under the same name (ambrose_writer) so feel free to show support on both sites :)

[m4ybanks]

a few weeks after dean's deal was up and he was dragged to hell, camden poured his emotions out into a " letter " for dean. getting out all his emotions and all the things that left unsaid to his brother that was just . . . gone.

below the cut is the letter -- enjoy the pain !!!

Dear Dean,

it’s been a month without you and it’s just so . . . quiet. actually, quiet’s not even the word because it doesn’t do the silence justice. in the words of taylor swift, i’ve not heard silence quite this loud. delaney’s forcing me to write this to get my thoughts out since i can’t exactly say them out loud. was never good at that. but you were well aware of that already.

i know when you made this deal that you thought i’d keep the family together, but i couldn’t even do THAT right. which is to say i guess dad was always right growing up. i’m just the lesser of you and sam and delaney. i can’t do shit right and always fuck it up somehow. that i’m just some second place breadwinner. a useless asshole who couldn’t even get his own brother to stay.

yeah. that’s right. sam fucking LEFT. needless to say, delaney’s having a breakdown over it. she tells me she’s fine, but i hear her crying at night. crying at how she lost you. lost sam. i think she’s actually tried to call his phone more than i have and i’m pretty sure i tried to call him 50 times in the past hour. nothing i said to him could get through to him. i tried for DAYS, dean. i knew he was going to up and leave the second we buried you. 

failed on that, too, by the way. tried to tell him we needed to burn you for OBVIOUS reasons. but he wouldn’t have any of it. then he  left. in the middle of the night. of course, the one time i actually got to fall asleep and he was able to sneak off. i could have done more. i SHOULD have done more. that’s our baby brother and i so easily let him go.

i don’t know how you did all this dean. even when i helped you raise sam and the baby, you still did most of it. you raised those two. hell, you raised me way more than dad did once mom died. i know you’d fight me on it if i tried to tell you that you were the glue for this family, but it’s true. nothing’s the same without you. nothing will EVER be right without you here with us. but delaney and i both know you’d want us to keep going. to keep fighting and saving people.  even if i keep hearing dad in my head tell me that it’s all going to fall apart because i’m not useful enough to keep delaney sane or keep sam at uncle bobby’s.

i’m sorry i never told you any of that when you were alive. that dad was actually a piece of shit. sometimes to this day i still wonder how you were ever loyal to him. but i guess he treated you slightly better than he ever did me or sam or the baby. i probably should have told you while you were alive, but i was too scared to ruin your relationship with dad. ruin the one good relationship dad probably had with any of us. i couldn’t do that to you. even now i hate that i said it even though you can’t even READ this letter.

but most importantly i’m also sorry i failed you, dean. you asked me for one thing and i failed you the way i always failed dad. so i guess he’s right. i don’t know. what i DO know is that i won’t give up on delaney or sam, okay? i won’t fail you twice by doing that. i’ll try to get sammy back, though. it’ll just . . . take some time to even figure out which alias he’s using. but i’ll get him back. i promise.

i miss you, dean. maybe i’ll see you down there some day. 

signed c.d.w.

[azertyhug]

king for a day by pierce the veil featuring kellin quinn *heart eyes* *soul ascends* *brain explodes* *skips song*

[leneemusing]

MAGNOLIA  CASTILLO  SENTENCE  STARTERS 

❝  what does ‘happy’ feel like?  ❞

❝  i think the real ‘monsters’ are the ones who create the monstrous things.  ❞

❝  broken things aren’t always ruined.  ❞

❝  healing isn’t always about putting yourself back together the way you were.  it’s about making something new out of the pieces that are left.  ❞

❝  they stole my voice.  this is me taking it back.  ❞

❝  dying isn’t so bad...it’s the leaving.  going away when you haven’t really even gotten to do anything yet.  ❞

❝  quiet.  the ghosts are talking.  ❞

❝  i think sometimes,  some people are just meant to carry pain.  ❞

❝  i’m not sure what love is supposed to feel like.  i’ve never really had it before...but i know i feel good with you.  warm.  like home.  ❞

❝  there are some things worse than death.  would you like to see them?  ❞

❝  you can get used to any pain.  but loneliness,   that’s what makes you break.  ❞

❝  the only thing that saved me was me.  ❞

❝  i didn’t survive...i just didn’t die.  there’s a difference.  ❞

❝  please stop lying i’m trying to think.  ❞

❝  i’ve always been at home among the haunted things.  ❞

❝  the world is too big.  and i don’t know how to be in it anymore.  ❞

❝  i’ve seen what ‘bad’ looks like.  you’re one of the good ones,  trust me.  ❞

❝  i think i’m afraid to heal,  because that means i can be broken again.  ❞

❝  there is good in the world.  i know there is.  i just don’t think i get to have it in my life.  ❞

❝  you have to hold on to the little joys when you find them.  ❞

❝  everything in nature is about balance.  i think the spiritual world is like that too.  maybe,  if my life is so filled with darkness and hurt,  someone else out there is getting nothing but light and warmth.  someone who deserves it.  ❞

❝  i don’t want to hide anymore.  ❞

❝  sometimes it’s easier to believe there’s something wrong with me.  it’s easier than if i didn’t deserve all those things and people knew that and chose to hurt me anyway.  that just seems worse somehow.  ❞

❝  you have a very messy brain.  ❞

❝  do you think the moon gets lonely?  ❞

❝  when i was little i used to believe fairies made it rain.  i think i just wanted the world to feel magical.  ❞

❝  people always go away.  even if they don’t mean to.  no one stays.  ❞

❝  anything can be a cage.  ❞

❝  at least,  no one can touch my soul.  that’s mine.  that will always be mine.  ❞

❝  time doesn’t speak to me.  ❞

❝  embrace your chaos...hug your demons.  ❞

❝  there are things you can never forget once you know them.  ❞

❝  don’t go poking around this stuff...it pokes back.  ❞

❝  i just live in each second as it comes.  that’s all i have.  ❞

❝  the only thing we can really control is ourselves.  but there’s a power in that.  only you get to decide what kind of person all the hard things turn you into.  ❞

❝  i feel like i don’t know much of anything anymore.  ❞

❝  a body is just something you’re stuck inside.  it’s not really you.  just a place to stay for a little while.  ❞

❝  i don’t know why people like to hurt me.  they just do.  ❞

❝  i killed him but,  now there’s a mess.  ❞

❝  i want to help.  please?  i just want to do something good.  ❞

❝  i’m not very brave.  or strong.  i broke.  they broke me...but i’m still here.  ❞

❝  i got blood on my dress.  i really like that dress.  ❞

❝  there are so many secrets in my head i never asked for.  ❞

❝  i’m in here.  i’m inside this body.  there’s still a person in here and it’s mine.   it’s my body.  i’m tired of so many people acting like it isn’t.  ❞

❝  i don’t really sleep much anymore.  but it’s okay,  someone has to keep the moon company.  ❞

❝  i’m so angry.  it’s always there.  but if i let it out i’m afraid i’ll never stop.  ❞

❝  i didn’t think i’d still be alive by now.  i’m not really sure what to do now that i am.  ❞

❝  everyone’s a little bit broken.  but it’s okay.  broken things can be pretty too.  that’s how mosaics are made.  ❞

❝  i don’t want anyone to hurt the way i’ve hurt.  no one deserves that kind of pain.  ❞

❝  i’ll be gentle with your heart.  ❞

❝  i like your soul.  it’s beautiful.  ❞

❝  you have a pretty brain.  ❞

❝  the pain gets better.  it won’t go away completely but.  you get used to it.  it will get easier to breathe,  bit by bit until you don’t really notice it anymore.  ❞

❝  let me make it better.  please?  ❞

❝  you’re hurting.  i can tell.  you don’t have to hide it.  ❞

❝  you can’t hurt me in a way i haven’t already survived.  ❞

❝  the thing about being broken,  is it’s already done.  you know you can get through anything after that.  ❞

❝  people are kind of like art.  everyone is going to see something different when they look at you.  ❞

❝  i choose to help people because no one helped me.  i want to be that person for others that i needed.  ❞

❝  fucking dumbasshole.  ❞

❝  i’m still trying to figure out what i want to be.  ❞

[fireinmoonshot]

76. “You’re not alone.” With our Druig, please?!

A/N: I don't know if this fic makes sense or is actually good because I wrote it half asleep... I just wanted to get something else up tonight before bed so I wrote it on a whim. I hope it's okay!

Loneliness was a human emotion.

Druig was sure of that, which was why he vowed to never feel lonely. He’d surrounded himself with humans who he could control whenever he felt like it for hundreds of years. He was never alone. But Druig had never quite distinguished the difference between alone and lonely.

It was when you came back into his life that he learnt how to see the two differently.

For when you stepped into the Amazon that day, all of the memories he’d had with you came flooding back like they’d never left. The late nights running around cities together. Holding hands as you walked down packed streets. Sneaking kisses in the Domo where no one could see you.

You were alone now, or you had been before the others had found you, but you weren’t lonely. Druig could see it in your eyes. You led a life filled with humans, surrounded by other people just like he was.

But the core difference were that your people chose to be with you.

Druig’s people had no choice.

You could see that he was lonely from the first second you saw him. He had a smile on his face, one of the cocky ones you always loved seeing on him, and he looked the same way he always had. But there was a yearning in his eyes for something more. Something that wasn’t just a fragile connection between a mind controlled human and an Eternal. Something like the sort of connection the two of you had once had.

He longed for something real.

When he left the others, you had been the one to decide go and find him, even though they had told you to let him go and cool off. But they didn’t know that you’d shared lifetimes with him. That he was the one member of the group that you knew the ins and outs of. That you knew nearly better than you knew yourself.

You sat down next to him, close enough for your thighs to touch and shoulders to bump up against each other. It was intimate and quiet and private. The closest either of you had been in at least a hundred years. Your touch was something that made Druig feel alive again. He hadn’t realised that he didn’t feel like he was living anymore. That had faded away somewhere after you had gone.

“Will you talk to me?” You began.

“What do I need to say? You heard me in there,” he nodded towards the building where the others were all still sat inside, discussing. “I think I said my piece. I’m out.”

You shook your head. “Not that,” you said. “I can see that you’re lonely, Druig. I’ve always been able to notice those things about you, even when you wished I wouldn’t.”

Druig’s lips quirked up into a smile. You did always have that habit.

“M’not lonely, I’m just alone,” he offered.

“No, you’re not,” you nudged his shoulder with yours again. “You’re not alone. You’ve never been alone, not really. All of us. We’re connected somehow, internally. And now you have us all back in person… for now, at least.”

He laughed breathily. “Yeah, and you’ll leave again.”

“We won’t–”

“I didn’t mean them.” Druig looked at you, meeting your eyes. It was like you were seeing straight into your lifetimes together simply by looking into his gaze.

You smiled a little sadly. “Would you even want me to stay?”

His answer came too quickly. “No,” he shook his head. “I won’t let you be alone here, too.”

“What if I want to stay here and be alone with you? What if I said I’d rather be lonely here, with you, than go back to my home and be lonely without you?” Your words were truthful. You had a good life, good friends, back home. But Druig… had always been your home.

Druig scoffed. “I said I wasn’t lonely.”

“And I know you can be a bad liar.”

He looked at you again. “You still get on my nerves, y’know?”

“I know,” you smiled sweetly. “So will you let me stay and keep getting on your nerves?”

Druig wanted to say no. He wanted to tell you to leave, to go back to your own life and stay as far away from him as possible. He wanted to believe that he’d had his lifetimes with you and that would be enough. But the truth was that no time with you would ever be long enough for Druig, and who would he be if he denied you the simple pleasure of staying with him and getting on his nerves for another thousand years?

[phoenixyfriend]

The Family Tree is... a Disaster

Takes place in the TCW Leverage AU. It does contain a few deviations, namely that the narrative ended up shifting Plo's role in Ahsoka's life, and Ventress's role overall.

This is mostly just dialogue where I outline the fuckery that is the disaster lineage family tree, not actual fic. It stemmed from my incessant need to justify "25yo Obi-Wan somehow got custody of 9yo Anakin without Shmi dying."

Warnings for: canon character death (modernized), canon violence (modernized), and references to Nazis and white supremacists (Palpatine collects WWII weaponry as a parallel to his canon display of Sith artifacts in his office as chancellor, and Ahsoka thinks it's sketchy)

----

"Okay," Cody says, setting down a glass of whiskey as he drops into the seat across the table. "What the hell is your family tree like?"

Obi-Wan raises an eyebrow, and continues cleaning off the definitely-not-stolen crystal komodo dragon he'd won in today's job. "I beg your pardon?"

"You and Skywalker," Cody says, gesturing between Obi-Wan, who is just sitting there minding his own business, and Anakin, who is across the closed-for-tonight bar and doing something inadvisable on the pool table. "You've said he was your brother, and mentioned raising him, which, sure, I'm over twenty years older than my youngest brother, people take over parenting roles all the time. But you have different last names, have mentioned stepfamilies that the other doesn't have, reference things as 'your aunt, not mine,' and I am just getting... very confused. I figured it was personal and I could leave well enough alone, but considering your older brother almost shot us today--"

"Okay, Xanatos is not my brother," Obi-Wan immediately says. "Just. I just have to stop you right there. Xanatos was a student of my father's for a time, but I promise he's not family. Nobody except maybe Komari would consider him even close, and she doesn't count since she's in prison for life and the farthest thing from stable."

Cody gestures. "That, Obi-Wan. That's what I'm talking about. I don't even know who Komari is."

Obi-Wan purses his lips in a failed attempt to not smile. "Do you actually want the explanation? It's long and unnecessarily complicated."

"So's mine," Cody snorts. Obi-Wan waits, patient and pleasant, and is rewarded when Cody sighs. "Please."

"Of course, my dear. To answer your first question, though, Anakin is my half-brother." With a smile, Obi-Wan digs a piece of paper and a pen from his briefcase. "So, center of the chain: me, my father Qui-Gon, my grandfather Yan, and my great-grandfather Yoda. With me so far?"

"Easy enough. Do you have to go back that far?"

"Great-grandfather Yoda is still alive and regularly escaping the old folks' home to terrorize younger relatives, so yes," Obi-Wan says. "Given that you may just meet a tiny, meddling relative of mine when he's bored, we do in fact have to go back that far."

"...how old is he?"

"We don't know for sure. A hundred and eight-ish is the best guess." Obi-Wan shrugs. "It's not a huge deal, mostly he likes bothering Anakin these days. Anyway, grandfather. Yan Dooku. Inherited a minory duchy from his maternal grandfather decades back. Mostly hangs around there because he's on terrorist watchlists in the States."

"Oh, lovely."

Obi-Wan grins. "Trust me, it gets worse. Anyway, grandfather never actually married, but spent most of his time with his 'best friend' Sifo Dyas, who died about a decade back."

"Gay?"

"Well, we know that now, but they got together in the seventies, and this was back when they were both working government jobs, so, you know. It happens."

"Good to know," Cody says. "So, Yoda's kid is Yan, who inherited a title and land from a maternal relative, and had a life partner but never married. With you so far."

"All of Yan's kids were adopted," Obi-Wan continues, sketching out the first branch away from the Yan/Sifo partnership. "Rael was actually grandfather's cousin, maternally, and ended up in his custody after getting orphaned at five. These days, he does most of the stewardship duties at the Serenno Duchy. His daughter Nim is teaching military history at a university in Germany."

Cody nods. "Uncle number one is named Rael, technically your dad's cousin, has a daughter. Got it."

"About a decade after Rael, they adopted my father, Qui-Gon. He and grandfather fought, frequently, but they did care for each other. My father was a botanist, did bio-engineering. We'll get back to him later, because he's where things get complicated." Obi-Wan made sure to leave room around the name. "Just a few years older than me was--is--Komari Vosa. She is... serving a life sentence. I think she fought Jango once."

"She fought my father?"

"To the best of my knowledge, they both almost died, yes," Obi-Wan says. "She's in maximum security these days. She was an assassin. I'll get a call if she breaks out, and I'll let you know along with everyone else."

"Bad news auntie, got it."

"Last adoption, sort of, is Ventress," Obi-Wan finishes off. "A few years younger than me, is technically grandfather's personal assistant and does secretarial work and the like, but we all know he's planning to leave as much of the inheritance to her as he is to the rest of us. She's aggressive and unpleasant, but she takes care of him and hasn't actually threatened to kill any of us yet, so that's fine."

"How'd she join?" Cody asks.

"Ky Narec was a friend of Qui-Gon's; Ventress was his daughter. Ky died a few years after Qui-Gon did, and Ventress was a mess, after." Obi-Wan shrugs and scratches that connection into the little sketch of a family tree as well. "Grandfather offered her a job until she got herself back together, and then she just kind of... stuck around."

"Youngest aunt, more of a cousin." Cody summarizes. "Now we go back to your father?"

"Qui-Gon Jinn was a man of many skills," Obi-Wan says drily. "Adequate birth control was not one of them."

It's almost a pity that Cody wasn't drinking anything, because going by the way he chokes, Obi-Wan's pretty sure the spit take would have been spectacular.

"I'm sorry," Cody says. "Can you repeat that?"

"I was an accident," Obi-Wan says, not even bothering to hide his smile. "So was Anakin."

"So that sounds like... a story."

"It is," Obi-Wan confirms. "My biological mother has never been in the picture. They had a fling, she wasn't sure if she'd want to abort or give me up, just that she wasn't ready to be a parent, and Qui-Gon volunteered to take full custody so she could go back to her life after the birth. I've never met her, but I kept her family name. You can consider her irrelevant beyond that."

Cody nods.

"So, when I was about a year old, Qui-Gon reconnects with an old flame, they get married two years later. Step-mother number one is Tahl. Lovely woman, I absolutely adored her, and she had a daughter, my stepsister, Bant Eerin."

"I met her, right?" Cody asks.

"Yes, she was the doctor who patched up my bullet wound a few months ago," Obi-Wan says. "With the giant glasses that make her look a little fish-eyed."

"She was nice."

"She is," Obi-Wan agrees. "At any rate, that was our family for a while, and then Tahl died when I was fourteen. Bant wanted to go to a magnet school for medical studies, and Qui-Gon's grief was... not optimal for taking care of multiple teenagers, shall we say, so Bant moved in with her paternal uncle, Kit Fisto, and Kit's son Nahdar. He's a marine biologist, incredibly friendly, and has no idea of any of the rest of my side of the family's questionable activities. If you ever meet him, you will pretend that we are a legal firm with a team of security consultants."

Cody raises a brow. Obi-Wan despairs. "Best you could do?"

"We're not that likely to run into him." Obi-Wan draws out a new line. "So, Qui-Gon deals poorly with grief. This is also around the time that Xanatos came around to ruin our lives a little. He was a very rich and unpleasant man, but he's dead as of four hours ago, so you don't have to worry about him. Or his son."

"His son?"

"Anakin handled that," Obi-Wan says. "Thoroughly. Granta Omega is no longer an issue. He's not dead, but... well. Anakin has his ways. Er--I should probably mention Feemor; he was my father's assistant at the university for a long time. Anakin and I still call him our uncle."

"Also a person to avoid mentioning criminal activity to?" Cody prompts.

"Well... no, but only because I don't think he'd care. The man is, forgive me, more of a 'walking sweatervest' than I am. He's a very bland and unassuming man. He once described himself as the background character of the soap opera that is my family's existence."

"Sounds like a charmer."

"Oh, he's very kind and clever, and witty as well. I adore him, and he really is family. He's just also very, very normal. Not boring, but..." Obi-Wan trails off and shrugs helplessly. "He's an editor for an agricultural research journal. Also not someone I anticipate us running into."

"Noted."

"Right, so, Qui-Gon dealing poorly with his grief didn't involve much drinking, but there were a few months of him trying to... lose himself in the pleasures of the flesh?" Obi-Wan tries, and then deflates at the look on Cody's face. "He was slagging around. Shmi got pregnant with Anakin, who was born when I was sixteen. Shared custody at first, Qui-Gon got him weekends and every other holiday, that sort of thing, and then they got married because they actually did like each other well enough, and it was easier on the taxes."

"So Shmi is stepmother number two."

"Shmi is stepmother number two, yes." Obi-Wan sketches in Anakin and Shmi. "About nine and a half years after Anakin was born, Shmi and Qui-Gon were in a car accident with... well, it later turned out it wasn't an accident, there was a hitman called Maul involved, he's actually Ventress's second cousin or something, I don't know. Grandfather handled most of that problem. Qui-Gon died, Shmi was in intensive care, and I got custody of Anakin as his nearest adult relative. We weren't very close before that, because I was off at university by the time he was old enough to form memories, but that changed once he started living with me. I more or less raised him as a single parent from that point."

"This is why he jokes that you're like a father to him."

"Precisely," Obi-Wan says. "Shmi took about a year to recover enough to move again, and grandfather covered the costs. She still had to live with a dedicated carer and attend daily physical therapy. At that physical therapy, she met Cliegg Lars, whose son Owen was also a patient there. They hit it off, and three years later, they married. When Anakin refers to his stepfamily he's talking about the Lars out in Nevada."

"Nevada?"

"They have a farm. A very, very normal one. We don't drag them into our activities, unless we have an at-risk person who needs a safe house." Obi-Wan pauses, and then decides this really needs to be stressed. "This is important to me and Anakin, that we don't get them involved unless there's absolutely no other choice. Shmi's been through a lot, and the Lars are busy enough running the farm."

"Works for me," Cody says. "We've got enough safe houses that it shouldn't be an issue. I'm guessing this story doesn't end there, though."

Obi-Wan grimaces. "My own love life has been... a bit of a mess."

"I already know about Kryze, at least."

There's that. "I was temporarily engaged to a friend, Siri Tachi, shortly after high school. We were in a relationship, but this was mostly something done to appease a relative of hers that was getting overbearing to the point of absurdity, and she couldn't just cut them off. We broke off the engagement after the relative passed, and we're still friends."

He notes that down, then adds the other embarrassment of his early years. "First marriage was actually a drunken joke between myself and my best friend when we were in college. We got it annulled a few months later because we just didn't have time to drop by the courthouse before then, and he's actually engaged to Asajj now."

"Asajj?" Cody asks, watching in fascination as Obi-Wan tries to mark in both his own short marriage and the newer, long-term engagement without crossing any lines. He settles for just writing the name twice and including an asterisk with 'this is the same person.'

"Ventress," Obi-Wan clarifies. "Yeah, Quinlan's a fun guy. His little sister, Aayla, treats Anakin like a beloved younger cousin."

"Are they also off-limits for criminal activity?"

"No, Aayla's the one that taught Ahsoka how to vent-crawl," Obi-Wan says. "And I'm pretty sure Quinlan has contacts in every major government branch, criminal organization, and Fortune 500 company on the planet. I reach out to them regularly."

"Resources, then."

Obi-Wan nods. "Some time later, I married Satine. We had a son; you've met Korkie. We split due to incompatibility a year and change before Qui-Gon's death. Satine doesn't engage in criminal activity, but Bo-Katan is..."

"I've met Bo-Katan. I know what she's like, Obi. You don't have to explain."

"She works with Maul sometimes."

"...the man who killed your father?"

"Yes. It's all very stupid and convoluted." Obi-Wan still writes her in. "So, that's them. Korkie goes to boarding school, and I try not to involve him in anything. Anakin and Ahsoka like to teach him self-defense and the like, but Satine is adamant that he stay unaware of my less legal dealings until he's an adult."

Cody shrugs. "Makes sense. Is that every--wait, no, Skywalker's married."

Obi-Wan grins. "Yes, and Padme's got twins on the way."

"I was there when he told us," Cody says drily. "He was very loud about it. Okay, how does Ahsoka fit in?"

"Hold on, I forgot Beru," Obi-Wan mutters. "Owen's fiancee. Same rules as the Lars. Okay, you asked about Ahsoka. Right. So. Um."

He dithers. Cody waits for him, and then Obi-Wan just gives up. "Ahsoka, dear, would you like to explain how you joined the family, so to speak?"

Ahsoka looks up from whatever she and the boys are doing--there are multiple beer glasses and straws and duct tape involved, and Obi-Wan doesn't really want to know--and then flips off the table and over to Obi-Wan and Cody. She looks over the family tree chart, and then says, "Oooh, did you tell him about the cult?"

"You were in a cult?" Cody demands.

"No, Komari was. She was head priestess or something. I dunno, it's why she's in prison and stuff."

"I did not tell him about the cult," Obi-Wan mutters, already regretting this. "The Bando Gora aren't a problem anymore. I've already gotten to explaining how you and Anakin know each other."

Ahsoka rolls her eyes, steals his pen, and starts sketching in around Quinlan's name, over by Asajj since Obi-Wan's section is too crowded. "Okay, so, Quinlan's adopted. His dad is Tholme, and Tholme's dad is Plo Koon. Plo Koon is good friends with my Auntie, Shaak Ti, who raised me. They live next door to each other, out in the country, and I'd play in his yard a lot, because he had puppies, and he took me to visit his bees. Whenever Auntie needed a babysitter, she asked Quinlan or Aayla to do it since she knew and trusted them, and Aayla needed pocket money."

"This is so unnecessarily complicated," Cody mutters.

"It is!" Ahsoka chirps. Her grin is far too sharp. "So, this one time, Aayla was watching me when I was fourteen, and she was just helping me with my physics homework. BAM, the door slams open, and in stumbled Skyguy with his arm missing. I've never met him before, and my first introduction is him shortly after he's gotten an unplanned amputation."

Anakin, on the other side of the room, giggles. Obi-Wan just sighs. The Fett brothers appear to be in the land of 'horrified fascination.'

Ahsoka revels in it. "There's blood everywhere, I'm screaming, Aayla's panicking, Anakin's halfway to unconscious and insisting we can't call the hospital, and nobody can get Obi-Wan on the phone. Quinlan's in another country, and Auntie Shaak and Uncle Plo are at a movie, so they've both got their cellphones off. Tholme was faking his death at that point to get away from an incident with the Irish Mob, so we didn't even try him."

"What the actual fuck," Rex breathes.

Ahsoka continues with relish. "We get Bant to pick up, and she's there an hour later with Padme, because Padme knows how to drive the way Skyguy does, and the entire drive there is just Auntie Bant on speakerphone telling Aayla how to stop the bleeding and get him stabilized while Padme's screaming at traffic at the top of her lungs."

"I owe Aayla a fruit basket," Anakin muses aloud. "The anniversary of her saving my life is coming up, it's warranted."

"Five years, baby!" Ahsoka crows. She fist-pumps.

Obi-Wan just drops his head into his hands. "You're killing me, children."

Anakin shrugs, grinning. "You know, I think Fett Senior might have been involved in that fight."

"My shitty dad cut off your arm?" Rex demands.

"No, I think he was busy fighting the Interpol guy," Anakin says. "But he was definitely there. I think. Blood loss kinda got to me after a bit, but I'm pretty sure Jango Fett was there, and also Boba might've been hiding in the getaway car?"

"I need another glass," Cody mutters. He doesn't stand up, though.

"Wait," Rex says. "So who cut off your arm?"

Anakin shrugs with an unsure noise. "Someone tried to convince me it was Grandpa Yan, but he was in the middle of a court case in Italy for some kind of parole violation when it happened, so he had an alibi."

"...did he actually violate parole?" Cody asks, and Obi-Wan thinks he looks like he doesn't know if he actually wants an answer.

Ahsoka shrugs. So does Anakin. Obi-Wan carefully looks at a spot behind Cody, and doesn't explain anything about wine tastings used as covers for illicit arms deals.

"The arm?" Rex prompts, sounding a little desperate to get back to the question he likely thinks is the most important.

"I still say it was Skeevy Sheev," Ahsoka chimes in.

"It wasn't Palpatine," Anakin snaps.

"Your creepy older friend who took you to operas and gives you fancy gifts and knows way too much about swords who was conveniently there to talk to the police and cover for you so you didn't get arrested for getting in the middle of a gang war in the first place, yes," Ahsoka says, dropping into a chair and sighing dramatically. "The guy who definitely hasn't been trying to convince you for a year and change that your wife is cheating on you with your older brother."

"Ahsoka!"

"What? He is."

"Anakin," Rex says, "your life sounds like a trainwreck."

"I'm not going to assume a frail, elderly man cut my arm off!" Anakin protests. "Even if he wanted to, he doesn't exactly have the muscle for it!"

"Grandfather's older," Obi-Wan points out, even though he knows it won't help. "And he definitely still could."

"Ha!" Ahsoka shouts.

"He could have hired someone?" Cody suggests. "Doesn't need to do it himself, if he has enough money."

Obi-Wan has a sneaking suspicion that Cody is deliberately stirring the pot as revenge for Anakin sending him eighty-seven cat memes inside an hour during last night's dinner.

"You all suck," Anakin declares. "Also, what the hell do you mean 'knows way too much about swords,' Ahsoka? You know way too much about swords!"

"Yeah, but I'm like ninety-percent sure that his antiques are Prussian and mid-century German military officer dress uniform relics, and pairing that with the Nazi pistols he's got on display--"

"He's just a history buff! And his family's German, of course he prioritizes that region, it's not like he doesn't have Russian or French or English antiques in there too, it's all sides of the war and--"

"I'm just saying he's almost definitely sending me sketchy glances like he thinks I'm planning to steal the silver on the three occasions you've had me with you when you stop by, and I'm pretty sure it's got less to do with my criminal record and more to do with me being, you know, not white."

Anakin looks ready to blow, so Obi-Wan interrupts. "Ahsoka, you were explaining how Anakin passing out on Aayla and scaring us all half to death led to your friendship?"

Ahsoka blinks at him, and then sticks her tongue out at Anakin and turns back to the chart. "So basically, Skyguy had to recuperate in Uncle Plo's living room for a week or two, and I kept showing up to bother him because he was bored and nobody would give him a laptop for 'security reasons,' because he had to lay low and stuff. He made me help him sketch out designs for a prosthesis and do all the writing for the math he had to do for the 3D printer, and we got to chatting."

Ahsoka hops up and back onto a table, legs swinging below her. "I decided he was cool and started following him around while he was getting used to only having one hand, mostly because I was bored. He showed me how to hotwire a car, and explained the best places to put a bug if you were looking to make it sneaky, and he picked my pocket to show off so many times when he was walking around Uncle Plo's house that I made him teach me that, too. And, uh, then Aayla found out and they got into a shouting match about it and decided they both needed to teach me parkour so I could get out of any mess I got myself into, since I was obviously going to follow them into a life of crime."

"And you did," Anakin says, far too proudly. "You're the best thief in this half of the country."

"Only because Aayla moved out east."

Anakin rolls his eyes and pulls Ahsoka into his side, digging his knuckles into her skull. "Best thief! You are the best thief! Be proud of yourself!"

"Let go!"

"Never!"

Obi-Wan sighed heavily and rubbed at his forehead. "Children, please."

"You're not my dad," Ahsoka growls out at him. "Skyguy, I'm going to bite you!"

"Good luck, the only arm you can access is the one that's going to break your teeth."

Ahsoka shrieks in outrage and stomps on Anakin's instep.

It's almost funny, for all that Obi-Wan's seen it play out a million times before, but the really interesting part is seeing Rex's look of fond dismay.

Obi-Wan thinks he might be adding a branch out to the Fetts soon. He's not actually sure if Rex is interested in Anakin or Ahsoka, and he's smack dab between them in age, so that's not a help either, but... well. The expression is familiar enough.

"Please tell me you don't match-make," Cody mutters to him.

"No, I plan to let the pieces fall where they will," Obi-Wan responds, just as low, and far more amused. "I'm simply trying to predict where those landings are to be."

Cody looks at him, and then back at the roughhousing trio, and sighs heavily. "You know, I really didn't think that you technically being minor royalty was going to be the least convoluted thing in your story, Obi-Wan."

He laughs, because it's true. "I'm first in line to inherit the title, since Rael denounced his claim. Nim isn't interested, and Qui-Gon's dead, so... I'm next."

Cody makes a face. "Delightful. I'm guessing that's not a connection we can safely make use of."

"No more than the Kryze or Naberries, I'm afraid." Obi-Wan claps him on the shoulder. "Chin up, I've plenty others in the metaphorical rolodex, all far less legitimate and far more amenable to work with our little outfit."

"Rolodex, really?" Cody snorts. "You're not that old."

Obi-Wan smiles winningly. "You don't know how old I am, Cody. All my IDs are fake."

"Anakin's twenty-four, and you're sixteen years older than him, going by the story you just told me," Cody points out. "I do know how to do basic math, Obi-Wan."

"I had to try," Obi-Wan admits. "I threw a lot of information at you all at once; I'd hoped you missed some of the ages in there."

"I have eight brothers," Cody scoffs. "And literally dozens of cousins, plus niblings, uncles, aunts, and so on. I have experience on this."

"If I asked you to list of the age of every single relative you have, you'd be able to do it?"

"Do you want me to draw a chart? I can draw a chart."

Obi-Wan can't help but laugh. "I'd be delighted, my dear."

Cody rolls his eyes, but Obi-Wan thinks--it's hard to tell in the dimmed lights of the closed bar--that there's a hint of a blush on the man's face. Obi-Wan lets himself slouch to the side, drops his head to rest on one fist, indolent debauchery in every line of his body. Cody does his best to ignore him, but Obi-Wan knows how to smile lazily and blink slowly and draw a man in.

(The whole 'indolent debauchery in every line of his body' phrasing is Anakin's, from back when he was a teenager trying to read highbrow literature to impress a cute girl... and to come up with new insults for his older brother.)

"So," Cody says, with a cough meant to somehow distract Obi-Wan from whatever's showing on the man's face. "Why, uh, why is your grandfather on terrorist watchlists?"

"Well, he didn't initially do anything," Obi-Wan says. "He was just a gay man who didn't hide it quite well enough, and had too much money and too white a face for someone to just call the cops on a faulty report. The Red Scare was technically over by that point, I think, but if a few people made suggestions that he was more loyal to the country that gave him a noble title than to the United States... he received a few warnings, of course, and it could have all blown over..."

"But?"

"But my grandfather is not a man to do things by halves, and instead decided that if the government was to list him as a threat, then he would oblige and make himself a threat," Obi-Wan finishes. "Living up to their labels, rolling with the assumptions, whatever you'd like to call it. It all irked him, and so he made some incredibly questionable decisions to make the government's lives harder. Some weren't bad, like donating to anti-war foundations that were protesting the Gulf War and the interventions in Yugoslavia, that sort of thing, and some were... nobody really looks well on gunrunning, you know."

"For fuck's sake..."

"Indeed," Obi-Wan chuckles. "Ironically, he has minimal opinion on the optimal form of economics, for all that virulent xenophobia and the remnants of anti-communism were involved in the whole mess. He just wanted to create problems for the people that were causing him problems."

Cody shakes his head. "I want to judge that, but you've met my father."

"Jango Fett is, indeed, also not a man to do things by halves," Obi-Wan agrees, attempting to nod gravely but breaking into a smile at the end. "That man is absurd."

"At least he's not dragging Boba into it anymore," Cody mutters. He drags over the fresh sheet of paper and pen that Obi-Wan offers him. "Okay, right, let's start with Jaster..."

[kass-storycorner]

I’ve been thinking a lot about the Hu Tao and Chongyun storyquests the past days. Both deal with the afterlife (well the border between life and death so far) and ghosts. We know both are canon in Genshin, they exist for this world. Now what I’ve been thinking a lot about is … how much angst can I write with that in mind? I always see a lot of these how the characters would react to your death but… yeah, have fun with this. Or not.

The ghost of you

Prompt: You died and the characters are faced with the literal ghost of you.

Genre: Angst, Hurt, no comfort (especially for Xiao)

Characters: Zhongli, Xiao,

Format: text

Word count: 1714

This is not proof-read or anything, I just wanted to get that idea out of my head. I also really want to write this idea out for other characters, so maybe I'll share a part 2 in the future. and yes the title might be a mcr reference and i might have two other fics in my drafts named after mcr songsi had a rough week okay

Zhongli:

He loved you. With all his heart, with every fibre of his being, he loved you so much. Zhongli always knew that his decision to live a life among mortals would cost a price, but in his mind, it was paid with his Gnosis all those years ago. It was not until the first of his mortal friends started to die that Zhongli was reminded of how fragile humans were. Of course, he was aware to a certain degree that he would outlive his friends and even you, he just never considered how quickly a human life was lived. You both had spent an entire life together, and while Zhonglis body did not biologically age, he is able to change his form to his liking - so when you grew old and grey so did he. Most people in Liyue would see the two of take your stroll around the city, holding hands and they were enamoured by the way you still looked at each other, just like a newlywed couple. But you grew older each day until one day, on one of your walks through the city, your collapsed. Zhongli was quick to catch you and the people around rushed towards the two, helping Zhongli getting you to a doctor. However, what was a doctor to do, than to tell Zhongli that your body is giving up? The doctor nor Zhongli can do anything against the flow of time, though Zhongli wished he could. He was not ready to let you go, he was not ready for you to onyl life in his memories until the erosion of the earth will erease you from them.

You layed in the hospital bed, Zhongli right next to you never letting go of your hand, when you took your last breath. He sat next to you for a while, not saying a word, tears running down his face until he heard your voice.

"It's okay," there you stood on the other side of the bed, your dead body between the two of you. In all the years Zhongli lived he had seen more than a few ghosts and he was aware of the human afterlife - though seeing your ghost wasn't something he anticipated. "You're dead", Zhongli said quietly, tears still spilling from his eyes. "I know, love. I know. And I wish I could've stayed with you just a bit longer, I really do. But it's time. You gave me such a wonderful life; we spend so many years together and I am so thankful for it Zhongli. For all the stories you told me, for all the sleepless nights we spend together, for all the memories we made. I loved it. I love you." Zhongli still hadn't let go of your hand, still afraid of letting you go, even though the mind he loved was standing so close to him. "Love," he started, his voice heavy with grief. "I have so many more stories to tell you. Will you stay, just for a while longer?"

At that you had to laugh a bit and oh, how much he already missed your laugh. He just heard it a few hours ago, when you were still alive, but hearing it now just felt so painful. "Zhongli, even 10 lifetimes wouldn't be enough to be able to listen to all of your stories. But I'm so sorry to disappoint you, you know I can't stay."

He knew this just too well. Not only as someone who worked for decades as a consultant of the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor in Liyue, but also as the former Geo-Archon he knew it was better for you to go. It pained him that he could never follow you into the afterlife that was awaiting you, even Zhongli didn't know what awaits you behind the border between life and death. "Then," Zhongli began, standing up and letting go of your cold hand, "let me accompany you."

Xiao:

Continuation for the Xiao one

Xiao refused to go even near the place you died for decades. The day he lost you was still so fresh in his memories, it pained him even more than his karmic debt to think about it. He always told you, when you were still by his side, that when you were in trouble, in danger, to always call his name. You did. You always did and he would be by your side, protecting you from what would’ve harmed you. The only time you refused to call his name in time was the day you died, and all Xiao could do was blame himself. You were visiting at the Inn earlier that day, standing next to him on the balcony talking about something he doesn’t even remember. What he remembers how happy you were, how enthusiastic you talked about it, whatever it was. Somehow though the conversation shifted, and you both ended up fighting – the reason for it was so stupid and it was all his fault. He was just in a bad mood that day and not even your warm presence were able to change it, so he let it out on you. Trying to push you away, again. Xiao cursed himself for how often he did that, how often he would hide how much he loved you, how much he cared for you, behind a mean exterior that only caused you pain. You knew what he was doing and that day, you just had enough. “Stop trying to push me away, Xiao!”, you shouted at him, tears already filling your eyes. You tried to reach for him, but he pulled away. Keeping you at a distance, again. “And you just stop talking, it’s exhausting to hear your voice.” Xiao already hated himself immediately after he said it, but looking back now, knowing what his words caused… it drove him close to madness. “Fine,” you replied, and he could her how much his words hurt you, “then you’ll never hear it again.” With that you left him. He tried to distract himself from the guilt he felt after your fight with his work, slashing through the enemies, spoiling the earth of Liyue with more blood. For nearly a month he didn’t hear you call him, and he was too scared to seek you out. Scared that you wouldn’t want to see him, scared that he ruined it all. When you finally called for him, when he finally heard you say his name – he hoped it was a chance for him to make it up to you. Xiao was not prepared to find your lifeless body, realising that you called his name with your very last breath. It send him into a blind rage, killing the enemies around him that were the cause for your death. When there was nothing left to kill he collapsed next to your corpse, tears spilling from his eyes, chanting your name over and over like a prayer. Asking himself why you hadn’t called him sooner to only remember what he said weeks prior. It was his fault. He couldn’t help it but to blame himself for your death. If he hadn’t said those words, if he hadn’t continuously tried to push you away… you were right. Xiao will never hear your voice again.

He avoided to go even near the place you died. If he hadn’t done that, if he had visited at least once, he would’ve seen your ghost, wandering aimlessly around. At first you were just confused, what had just happened? The last thing you remembered is that you called for Xiao and now? Now you stood in the middle of a forest, no Xiao in sight but also the enemies who cornered you just now were also gone. For how long you wandered around, confused and not sure what had happened you didn’t know. It scared you. You screamed his name, over and over again but you couldn’t hear your own voice. You just couldn’t make a sound.

He didn’t mean to come across that place again. Xiao learned to live with the guilt and grief he felt, just as he had to learn to live with his karmic debt. Still, it hurts more than he likes to admit. So when he stumbled upon the place he lost you all those years ago, he asked himself how he ended up here again. Something was telling him he should come here, but he tried to ignore that voice, that calling. But when he saw your ghostly figure between the trees of the forest, it used to be a plain field when you had died, he froze. Was it really you? “(Y/N)?”, he called out to you. Oh, how long he hadn’t said your name. It felt foreign, but also so familiar at the same time. But you didn’t hear nor see him, you were too lost after years of roaming the fields that grew to a forest – not being able to understand that time passed, that you were dead. Xiao came closer to your ghost and saw how you screamed something, over and over. His name. It was his name. “(Y/N) it’s me, I’m here. Please, I’m here, it’s okay”, his voice was strained and when your face met his – Xiao noticed how you didn’t look at him. You looked right through him, he noticed now how he couldn’t reach you with his words nor his presences. He tried to grab you, but his hand only touched the air. If he could at least hear you call his name. Xiao felt how his tears ran down his face, his heart shattering again in thousand pieces. Why hadn’t he noticed it earlier how you roamed the earth, lost and scared. He saw it in your face. Why didn’t he come here earlier? It pained him to know that you hadn’t found your peace. Xiao went down on his knees, face buried in his hands. The last time he felt so helpless was when he found your dead body, unable to help you. And now? Now it happened again, he had no idea what he could do to help you, to make you see him. From that day on Xiao spend most of his time watching over your ghost, hoping that one day he’ll hear you call out to him again.

[edenmemes]

you - netflix sentence starters

more to be added. from season 1, season 2 and season 3.

❝ do you mind? uh, i’m in a hurry. ❞ ❝ my parents were assholes with the whole naming thing. ❞ ❝ you like a little attention. okay, i’ll bite. ❞ ❝ can we get real for a second? you have questionable taste in friends. ❞ ❝ is there more to you? ❞ ❝ you feel like you’re a piece of shit so you’re trying to be a hero. ❞ ❝ it was my mistake to trust in fate. ❞ ❝ i think i’m done being mad at you now. ❞ ❝ the things you do for love, right? ❞ ❝ do me a favor. focus on your own shit, okay? ❞ ❝ there are scary people in the world. ❞ ❝ i should’ve seen the signs. but we never do when we’re in love. ❞ ❝ aren’t you gonna tell me to have a nice day? ❞ ❝ you look like somebody just pissed all over your rainbow. ❞ ❝ sure you can’t come out with us? ❞ ❝ you were sleeping so deep, i didn’t want to disturb you. ❞ ❝ what are you gonna do about it? hmm? ❞ ❝ if someone sees me, if someone sees the real me, they’ll go away. ❞ ❝ sit down, and let me take care of you. ❞ ❝ this whole ‘nice guy’ act might work on other people. ❞ ❝ if the zombies come, there is where i’m hiding. ❞ ❝ you’re the smartest girl i know. ❞ ❝ i wish i knew what you’re thinking. ❞ ❝ i need to know that i can trust you. ❞ ❝ i do think i’d be happier if i was stupider. ❞ ❝ i figured you had some kind of night. ❞ ❝ it feels like i’m dreaming. ❞ ❝ ruining my life is not gonna save your life from demons. ❞ ❝ i’m sorry about earlier. i didn’t mean to get so upset. ❞ ❝ i could just be me, yet that somehow never feels quite good enough. ❞ ❝ make yourself at home. everyone here is friendly. ❞ ❝ i’ve read people wrong in the past. ❞ ❝ i felt this rage inside of me. like an animal made of teeth and fire. ❞ ❝ love is real, and i have more to give. ❞ ❝ what we went through...this shit stays. ❞ ❝ you know better, but you can’t stop. ❞ ❝ okay. it’s freezing out here. ❞ ❝ you would never hurt anyone. and that’s the truth. ❞ ❝ why do you look like someone hit with you on the head with a rock and threw you in the trunk of their car? ❞ ❝ tonight was just a setback. everyone has setbacks. ❞ ❝ unremarkable people don’t worry about being unremarkable. ❞ ❝ i don’t want to be disturbed. all right? ❞ ❝ am i just clenching my eyes shut against some truth i don’t want to face? ❞ ❝ it’s the old story: just thinking you’re right for someone, and you’re not. ❞ ❝ if you could only watch one movie for the rest of your life, what would it be? ❞ ❝ let’s talk about something first, though. ❞ ❝ it is nice to be seen. ❞ ❝ you know, there’s so much more inside of you. ❞ ❝ file that away under ‘future problems’. ❞ ❝ there’s something wrong with you. i see it in your eyes. ❞ ❝ maybe a simple life isn’t so bad. maybe it’s what you need. ❞ ❝ these books are more alive, more worthy than most people i know. ❞ ❝ you need to get out of your head. ❞ ❝ i don’t want you to think of me like that. ❞ ❝ love is patient and kind. and so am i. ❞ ❝ i’m just saying...are you being your most amazing self right now? ❞ ❝ how exactly does one get rid of a body? ❞ ❝ that doesn’t make up for the damage you’ve done. ❞ ❝ sometimes, to survive, you have to show some teeth. ❞ ❝ i don’t think i have a lot in common with your friends. ❞ ❝ you really have nothing to be nervous about. ❞ ❝ let me out of here. i won’t say anything to anyone. ❞ ❝ whoever you are, you’re not a killer. ❞ ❝ i would beat this guy bloody for the way he talks about you. ❞ ❝ i told you, i don’t know who you are. ❞ ❝ what did i say? i told you not to come down here! ❞ ❝ i wish i had your confidence. ❞ ❝ was that pity? disgust? empathy? ❞ ❝ you know, i stole this dress to fit in. which is pathetic. ❞ ❝ why did you bring me here? ❞ ❝ if you want to kill me, what the hell are you waiting for? ❞ ❝ starting to think i’m some kind of magnet for dudes with serious issues. ❞ ❝ this isn’t your fault. dumb shit like this happens all the time. ❞ ❝ wow. you’re super in shape for an old guy. ❞ ❝ just let me know you’re okay, okay? ❞ ❝ what are you afraid of? ❞ ❝ let’s be clear, though, this is not a thank-you. ❞ ❝ if you see this place as a prison, that’s all you’re going to be, a prisoner. ❞ ❝ you’re a sweetheart. your family’s just a little...you know. ❞ ❝ well, everyone needs someone. ❞ ❝ i’m...falling in love with you. ❞ ❝ what did you love that makes you chase love so much? ❞ ❝ you can’t get away from yourself, moving one place to another. ❞ ❝ you seem like you’re doing a little better. ❞ ❝ you don’t think i’m a monster? ❞ ❝ i think only an idiot tries what you just pulled. ❞ ❝ well, consider me disturbed. ❞ ❝ if you call me ‘babe’ again, i’m gonna stick you in the oven. ❞ ❝ i don’t know, i’m afraid this won’t work. ❞ ❝ now that’s a sign, right? you’re jealous. ❞ ❝ can’t things just be simple for once? ❞ ❝ i’m not the vindictive type ❞ ❝ i know you’re making this up to impress me. ❞ ❝ i know there is a good heart in there somewhere. ❞ ❝ ride with me. it’s the least i can do. ❞ ❝ you paint me up to be this monster. ❞ ❝ why would you do that? why? ❞ ❝ the more i see of you, the harder it is to see you clearly. ❞ ❝ within minutes, i knew...i’m in a strange land. ❞ ❝ you okay? are you all right? can you stand up? ❞ ❝ sorry. i just...i lost my place. ❞ ❝ just something happier, for a change, might be nice. ❞ ❝ some people are assholes, and you just have to realize that. ❞ ❝ there’s nothing that we can’t fix, okay? ❞ ❝ that’s not how the world works. ❞ ❝ i’m happy to share all my secrets. ❞ ❝ what can i say? we all have baggage. ❞ ❝ i’m going to help you get the life you deserve. ❞ ❝ i’m not always like this. ❞ ❝ it’s not easy. it’s hard. sometimes it makes me sick. ❞ ❝ you must run and hide, for the hunter seeks. ❞ ❝ what if you just stayed the night? just in case anything happens. ❞ ❝ how do you see things so clearly? things i can’t even see for myself? ❞ ❝ fathers are the worst. it’s like their job is to mess us up. ❞ ❝ i’m sorry. i know the truth hurts, but i have to set you free. ❞ ❝ what am i supposed to do, root for your failure? ❞ ❝ if you don’t believe in me, just say so. ❞ ❝ i’m sorry it had to come to this. ❞ ❝ i should’ve trusted my gut. i should’ve known it was too good to be true. ❞ ❝ i should kill you. i should kill you right fucking now. ❞ ❝ you made me feel like you really saw me. ❞ ❝ i barely recognise myself anymore. ❞ ❝ i don’t give a shit! you threw me under the bus! ❞ ❝ you don’t owe me anything, okay? ❞ ❝ look, i’m a good person. or, maybe i’m not, but i’m trying. ❞ ❝ i’m just trying to figure out how to focus when all i want is you. ❞ ❝ if this is the fruit of your imagination, there’s no telling what horrors you’re capable of. ❞ ❝ i’m running. i’m a runner now. ❞ ❝ if you have any self-respect, you’ll come in here, and we’ll speak like adults. ❞ ❝ oh, i wish i was a killer. this’d be much less complicated. ❞ ❝ you know who my father is? ❞ ❝ please don’t put me in the middle of this. ❞ ❝ hard not to stare, right? ❞ ❝ i think you love it! the power, you love it! ❞ ❝ there’s not a line in the world i wouldn’t cross for you. ❞ ❝ i owe you an apology. you were right. ❞ ❝ you didn’t exactly rush to my defense. ❞ ❝ it’s okay if things are hard sometimes. ❞ ❝ i’m not bothering you, just checking in. ❞ ❝ how’d you know i write poetry? ❞ ❝ i can’t stand seeing this. i’m sorry. i just can’t. ❞ ❝ i just need to know who you really are. ❞ ❝ i thought we said we weren’t gonna do that anymore. ❞ ❝ you know i’d do anything for you. don’t forget that. ❞ ❝ you are burning through that book, aren’t you? ❞ ❝ you can still be a good person, and have a really good life. ❞ ❝ why is coming home such a chore for you? ❞ ❝ i’ve been learning a lot since i met you. ❞ ❝ you don’t even know what to say, do you? ❞ ❝ why don't we spend the day together tomorrow? just you and me? ❞ ❝ candidly, it’s the least appealing thing about you. ❞ ❝ hmm, you're not the standard insecure nymph. ❞ ❝ honestly, you blow me away. ❞ ❝ you really are capable of keeping a secret. ❞ ❝ whatever this is, it’s not too late to stop it. ❞ ❝ go on. listen to your gut. ❞ ❝ who the hell are you to tell me that i have daddy issues? ❞ ❝ find that brilliant badass inside of you, and believe in her. ❞ ❝ i believe in love at first sight. i had it with you. ❞ ❝ you can always count on me. ❞ ❝ you’re not trying to be anything than what you are. you’re just you. there’s not an ounce of falseness in you. ❞ ❝ i like who i am with you. ❞ ❝ good morning. this is my favourite time of day. ❞ ❝ you were just trying to help me see that i’m full of shit. and you were sweet. ❞ ❝ you drool in your sleep. so cute. ❞ ❝ sorry i didn’t call. is it okay if i come in? ❞ ❝ i keep waiting for you to be you again. ❞ ❝ just go. leave me alone. i’m serious. ❞ ❝ this right here, is the most important place in the world to me. ❞ ❝ i don’t know what i would’ve done without you. ❞ ❝ people. they’re easy to fool. ❞ ❝ if i didn’t know better, i’d think you were hiding something. ❞ ❝ i will do anything for my friends. and do i hide behind them? yeah. ❞ ❝ look, i apologise if i crossed the line. ❞ ❝ maybe i’m just a fool in love, but i’m right about you. ❞ ❝ i’m not always right. i’m human. i make mistakes. ❞ ❝ maybe if you’re not too busy, we could get a drink sometime? ❞ ❝ no, please. you don’t have to give me anything. ❞ ❝ at the end of the day, people really are disappointing, aren't they? ❞ ❝ you sound apologetic, like you're embarrassed to be good. ❞ ❝ you want to be seen, heard, known. ❞ ❝ was all this for nothing? ❞ ❝ if there is ever, for a moment, a tiny voice in your head, and that tiny voice is telling you ‘i deserve better’, listen to them. that’s your partner. ❞ ❝ okay, whatever. i’m done. ❞ ❝ what the hell are you looking at? ❞ ❝ you know what? stop. you’ve no idea what you’re talking about. ❞ ❝ okay. it’s freezing out here. ❞ ❝ people do not owe us a guarantee that they will never change. ❞ ❝ i would absolutely kill for you. ❞ ❝ believe me, i’m the king of unresolved family issues. ❞ ❝ that’s what you do. lie, so your life looks better. ❞ ❝ you’re so your mother. only less subtle. ❞ ❝ okay, so i hate to admit, but you were right. ❞ ❝ i guess i was hoping i could make the world a better place. ❞ ❝ you fall for the wrong men. you let them in. you let them hurt you. ❞ ❝ you are too busy living out moments you won’t remember five years from now. ❞ ❝ what you really need is someone to save you. ❞ ❝ your father was inconsistent, and you’re still healing from that. ❞ ❝ what’s going on? what’re you doing out here? ❞ ❝ what happened? did they hurt you? ❞ ❝ you don’t get all that goodness and possibility with zero risk. ❞ ❝ sometimes i wonder if i understand love at all. ❞ ❝ the first step to fixing something is to know no matter how destroyed it seems, it can always be saved. ❞ ❝ this place is...musty. ❞ ❝ there’s a monster inside every person, all too easy to feed. if you make it strong, it will take over. ❞ ❝ why so weary? why so scared to be seen? ❞ ❝ hey, should i open another bottle? ❞ ❝ i made mistakes, yes. and i'll learn from them. ❞ ❝ you act nice because you’re not. ❞ ❝ friends support each other. ❞ ❝ you will never get me to say i didn't do everything i could for you. ❞ ❝ you've actually lost a lot of blood today. ❞ ❝ if there’s any justice in the world, you are the reward for all my suffering. ❞ ❝ no, no. i got it. i’ll take care of you. ❞ ❝ you’re not afraid someone will hurt you. you’re afraid you’ll hurt them. ❞ ❝ i love our little routine. always the same, but never stale. ❞ ❝ god. everyone says that like it’s so easy. ❞ ❝ what can i say? smells of the city. ❞ ❝ i try not to hurt you, you try not to hurt me. ❞ ❝ i don’t know. it sounds like a lot. i’m kinda tired. ❞ ❝ i understand that some things are harder than others to write about. ❞ ❝ i pass the time by counting down to the next moment i see you. ❞ ❝ i don’t like to mess with other people’s lives. ❞ ❝ by the way, this outfit is really working on you. ❞ ❝ it wasn’t supposed to end like this. ❞ ❝ the best ideas are always the ones that slip away. ❞ ❝ for the record, i don’t hate you. ❞

❝ when this is all over, let’s go away somewhere. just you and me. ❞ ❝ if i wasn’t so blinded by love, i would’ve seen this secrets right in front of me, waiting to be uncovered. ❞ ❝ not to be corny, but...baking is how i express my love. ❞ ❝ i just...i get weird with blood. ❞ ❝ you are 100% disqualified from giving me relationship advice. ❞ ❝ sometimes we do bad things for the people we love. ❞ ❝ god, i’ve missed you. ❞ ❝ i’ve done business with bad people. you’re not one of them. ❞ ❝ becoming a better person is way more aggravating than i thought. ❞ ❝ it’s tragic not to be able to show who you really are. ❞ ❝ i haven’t been this relaxed in weeks. ❞ ❝ it’s safer if you don’t know, okay? ❞ ❝ it’s weird how powerful vulnerability can feel. ❞ ❝ easy, easy, you’re gonna hurt yourself. ❞ ❝ half-truths just end up getting me burned so i should lie. ❞ ❝ being attracted to very smart women is a double-edged sword. ❞ ❝ you’re my family. i’d die for you. ❞ ❝ you...do bad things when you feel bad. ❞ ❝ pain...it can make people truthful. ❞ ❝ you know you can always count on me to say the wrong thing. ❞ ❝ hey, is someone harassing you? ❞ ❝ we have a connection. something deep. ❞ ❝ does that mean it was right to kill him? ❞ ❝ you’re going to get through this. ❞ ❝ how long have you been obsessed with me? ❞ ❝ you’re still mad at me. i get that. ❞ ❝ is this rock bottom? because it sure feels like that. ❞ ❝ you gonna tell me what happened to your face? ❞ ❝ come lay down. you look dizzy. ❞ ❝ i can’t ask that of you. ❞ ❝ i just need to patch up, focus, get back in the game. ❞ ❝ i wasn’t hiding, i swear. ❞ ❝ you’re lucky. the bullet only grazed you. ❞ ❝ maybe together, we can keep the monsters at bay. ❞ ❝ i’ve always had a complicated relationship with my own existence. ❞ ❝ it’s not like you can say you didn’t see this coming. ❞ ❝ we can walk away from this. we can do that. ❞ ❝ i can’t believe you. you just use people! ❞ ❝ the beauty that does exist in this world is fleeting and insincere. ❞ ❝ i’ve been a lot to handle lately, and i want to make it up to you. ❞ ❝ should i be preparing last words? ❞ ❝ i did a bad thing today. but for a good reason. ❞ ❝ it’s over. what’s done is done. ❞ ❝ it’s a horrible feeling to know things have gone wrong and there’s nothing you can do to change it. ❞ ❝ are you okay? you look a little... ❞ ❝ tell me the truth, and we can get through anything. ❞ ❝ you’ve just been hard to read lately. ❞ ❝ grief isn’t a straight line. ❞ ❝ i’m not one of those people who are obsessed with the past. ❞ ❝ if we don’t have trust, we have nothing. ❞ ❝ would you rather do something and be wrong or do nothing and be wrong? ❞ ❝ i knew something was off about you, and i was right. ❞ ❝ i know your family. i know how they are. ❞ ❝ i could metaphor circles around you all day. i have great metaphors. ❞ ❝ i’ve never felt this way before, where you love the bad things about someone as much as the good. ❞ ❝ it’s funny how fate works. ❞ ❝ some people deserve to die. i’m sure you had your reasons. ❞ ❝ i’m hiding shit. i am hiding what a complete, ugly mess i am. ❞ ❝ you’re just gonna abandon me when i need you the most? ❞ ❝ be an adult, okay? take a little responsibility. ❞ ❝ you really think that i am that dumb? that i don’t know what you’re capable of? ❞ ❝ do not talk for a minute, please. ❞ ❝ some people, they get what they deserve. some people don’t. ❞ ❝ i am not a hero. believe me. ❞ ❝ you didn’t let go of my hand the entire way home. it feels good. ❞ ❝ do not leave me in this abyss where i cannot find you. ❞ ❝ this is the nicest thing anyone’s ever given me. ❞ ❝ my mind, it...it goes to the darkest places sometimes. ❞ ❝ i don’t like looking back. i don’t see the point of it. ❞ ❝ if you don’t deal with this, if you don’t face it, it will haunt you. ❞ ❝ i like watching you reach into your mind palace for random bits of information. ❞ ❝ hey. i needed to hear your voice. ❞ ❝ if you believe that i am capable of something like that... ❞ ❝ you and i don’t see the world the same way. ❞ ❝ you’re gonna feel better soon, okay? ❞ ❝ who knew sharing my darkest secrets would make me feel so light? ❞ ❝ i’ve never wanted someone to appear yet not appear so badly. ❞ ❝ you make me weak. ❞ ❝ okay. it’s possible i’m the tiniest bit paranoid. ❞ ❝ the way you lie...effortless. like breathing. ❞ ❝ i want adventure. risk. ❞ ❝ real evil has to be dealt with. and you don’t do that by letting it live to take good people down. ❞ ❝ happily ever after is a myth, because people are not static. ❞ ❝ you're bleeding again. ❞ ❝ i know in my heart this is not you. ❞ ❝ i don’t know why i’m having these dreams. ❞ ❝ you deserve to be with someone who’s perfect for you. ❞ ❝ mmm...i think i know what you’re thinking. ❞ ❝ i can’t wait to see that dress on you. you have to try it on. ❞ ❝ i’m so glad we got away together like this. ❞ ❝ please move further away. ❞ ❝ i have no trouble doing bad things to bad people. ❞ ❝ you love damage so much, you made it your full-time job, and it turned you ugly. ❞ ❝ i’d sooner slam my nuts in a door. ❞ ❝ i meant it when i said i’ll make myself worthy of you. ❞ ❝ why don’t you tell me about your childhood? ❞ ❝ you invest nothing in this family. nothing. ❞ ❝ no offense, but you don’t strike me as the vigilante type. ❞ ❝ i am trying so hard to understand you. ❞ ❝ i learned every swear word in the book that day. ❞ ❝ i know, i get it if you are horrified and want nothing to do with me. ❞ ❝ do you hear yourself right now? ❞ ❝ who is the monster here? really, who? �� ❝ i’m always telling the truth. ❞ ❝ i’m closing my heart, like an out-of-business bookstore. ❞ ❝ every relationship teaches us hard lessons, right? ❞ ❝ there are days i just don’t believe in love. ❞ ❝ i’m just...not feeling so great all of a sudden. ❞ ❝ we’re a good team. i see that. ❞ ❝ run away with me. ❞ ❝ there are times i hate myself too. so much i can barely stand it. ❞ ❝ i have to believe our paths are destined to cross again. ❞ ❝ you act all pure and noble, like you have reasons for what you do when you do it. ❞ ❝ i really do believe that things happen for a reason. ❞ ❝ i see it everytime i look in your eyes. you’ve felt it. real love. real loss. ❞ ❝ people are nice, but...they can’t really fathom what i’m going through. ❞ ❝ it doesn’t take a genius to hunt someone if you really, really want to. ❞ ❝ it’s gonna be really fun fucking destroying you. ❞ ❝ it’s just you...and me. ❞ ❝ can you be a good father, if you are a bad man? ❞ ❝ find the people that get you. lean on them. ❞ ❝ i can’t completely cage what’s inside me. ❞ ❝ i know what i do will never be good enough for you. ❞ ❝ i love you. i can’t stand it. ❞ ❝ are you okay? this must hurt. ❞ ❝ any place is probably beautiful when you stop running for one second. ❞ ❝ do you have a nemesis? ❞ ❝ are you really who you seem to be? light and fearless? ❞ ❝ no offense, you look like you’re ready to puke. ❞ ❝ i just want to stop running. i want a home. ❞ ❝ you have a way with people. they just like you. ❞ ❝ i think i felt my soul come back into my body. ❞ ❝ our world is done for if we don’t think about that. how to be better. ❞ ❝ i’ve left so much behind. ❞ ❝ no matter how bad it is, you find a way to stay calm, and keep your wits. ❞ ❝ i have to believe love conquers all. ❞ ❝ it’s a chance to get back to who i really am. a quiet guy...who just wants to leave a quiet life. ❞ ❝ i’m not the bad guy here. ❞ ❝ i cannot afford to be predictable. my life depends on that. ❞ ❝ i think we have some unfinished business to talk about. ❞ ❝ you used to wrap yourself in fairytales like a blanket. but it was the cold you loved. ❞ ❝ you don’t love me. you never loved me. ❞ ❝ cover shit in gold, it’s just super shiny shit. ❞ ❝ drool a little more, it’s a good look on you. ❞ ❝ i can’t love again. i can’t risk it. it’s too dangerous. ❞ ❝ this is me, living without you. i don’t need you. ❞ ❝ actually, i think i’d rather save it for therapy. ❞ ❝ you complicated things by lying. ❞ ❝ you don’t need to yell. ❞ ❝ i’ll admit, it’s getting harder to live with so much heartbreak. ❞ ❝ are you following me? answer me right now. ❞ ❝ i’m asking you to take a leap of faith. ❞ ❝ this is my favourite time of day. when it’s just the two of us. ❞ ❝ i hope you didn’t start the fun without me. ❞ ❝ hi. you wanted to see me? ❞ ❝ when i’m with you, we’re the only two people on earth. ❞ ❝ you think i’m a fool? is that what you think of me? ❞ ❝ i’m really sorry i puked in such close proximity to you. ❞ ❝ we’re all a little broken. yet some pieces still manage to fit together. ❞ ❝ you’re a good person. you just do bad things sometimes. ❞ ❝ life just keeps kicking the shit out of you. ❞ ❝ you think everyone is damaged because you’re damaged. ❞ ❝ i could walk through fire for you. ❞ ❝ maybe it's not the best to make big decisions when you're grieving. ❞ ❝ you’ve been...off. you have been weird ever since we got here. ❞ ❝ oh my god. i’m alive. ❞ ❝ that’s the thing with tragedy. it makes you live for the now. ❞ ❝ you never know if you’re fight or flight until you’re forced to find out. turns out...i’m fight. ❞ ❝ i’m not afraid of you anymore. ❞ ❝ who you really are...the dark, that’s not a burden. you don’t have to push that away from me. ❞ ❝ you’re just saying that because you think it’s what i wanna hear. ❞ ❝ i’m sorry. i didn’t mean what i said. i’m an idiot. ❞ ❝ like the kids say: ‘fuck my life’. ❞ ❝ you’re more important than my pride. i’m sorry. ❞ ❝ ah, to be young. ❞ ❝ people are happier when they aren’t lying to themselves. ❞ ❝ we can still be honest with each other, right? ❞ ❝ oh, you mean the time you left me for fucking dead? ❞ ❝ i know you don’t want to kill me. ❞ ❝ this is not how i want to remember you. ❞ ❝ i can’t stop thinking of you. ❞ ❝ you are a lot of things...but you’re not stupid. ❞ ❝ fitting in is not always the worst. ❞ ❝ you need someone right now. no matter how cool you’re acting. ❞ ❝ nothing could ever make me see you different. ❞ ❝ i want to tell you everything and i will, soon, but for now... ❞ ❝ you are one fine specimen of a man. ❞ ❝ did you not get enough sleep last night? ❞ ❝ if this is my pack, i think i’m meant to be a lone wolf. ❞ ❝ why rush when we have the rest of our lives? ❞ ❝ is there anything i can do to support you? ❞ ❝ can your parents really be that bad? ❞ ❝ there are no time-outs in life. ❞ ❝ i need your advice, ‘cause you’re the only person that i actually trust. ❞ ❝ can you promise to be calm? ❞ ❝ it’s really hard to stand here and have a conversation with you, as though i’m not totally distracted by how much i want you. ❞ ❝ this is what i get for being a pacifist. ❞ ❝ whatever comes, we’ll get through it, together. ❞ ❝ my life makes sense now with you in it. ❞ ❝ you make me feel good. so good, i forget whatever darkness resurfaced in my sleep. ❞ ❝ i’ve only got more reason to get the hell out of here. ❞ ❝ is this party gonna get any more weird? ❞ ❝ thought that would get your attention. this shit’s romantic as fuck. ❞ ❝ if you look up ‘klutz’ in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me. ❞ ❝ you did lie, but you are still more authentic than half the fuckers i know. ❞ ❝ let’s focus on what is actually important here. ❞ ❝ with everything that happened, it felt like it was starting to get to me. ❞ ❝ you can put the bad things behind you. ❞ ❝ everything goes to shit when i don’t follow my instincts. ❞ ❝ i guess i’m bad at picking good people. ❞ ❝ but who takes care of you? ❞ ❝ okay, now you’re just playing with me. ❞ ❝ you’re at home in chaos, but something makes me think not by choice. ❞ ❝ did you just mansplain and patronize me in the same sentence? ❞ ❝ look at what you’ve done to me. ❞ ❝ why am i drawn to you? ❞ ❝ there is no trap so deadly as the trap you set yourself. ❞ ❝ you look scared, and it breaks my heart. ❞ ❝ there also must be some grain of truth because you look so pale right now. ❞ ❝ is an open door the same as an invitation to enter? ❞ ❝ i now truly understand the term ‘love of my life’. ❞ ❝ do you really think your story is gonna have a happy ending? ❞ ❝ i finally feel like i’m becoming a better man. ❞ ❝ let go of me. you’re hurting me. ❞ ❝ i really do see so much of myself in you. ❞ ❝ i’ve been worrying that my sins would be my undoing. ❞ ❝ look at you. you’re thriving. ❞ ❝ whatever you’re running from, we can figure it out together. ❞ ❝ answer my question, i’ll answer yours. ❞ ❝ once burned, i tend to cut my losses and move on. ❞ ❝ my name in your mouth is like poetry. ❞ ❝ i don’t need you, or anybody, to defend me or my honor. ❞ ❝ i’ve been biting my tongue for a long time. ❞ ❝ people like us don’t change. ❞ ❝ wow, when are you gonna grow up? ❞ ❝ i’m sorry tonight didn’t turn out as you expected. ❞ ❝ it’s creepy when you get quiet like that. ❞ ❝ do you have any idea how painful it is disappointing someone that perfect? ❞ ❝ am i losing my mind? ❞ ❝ and just like that, there you are. the woman i fell in love with. ❞ ❝ all i have left is to say goodbye to you. ❞ ❝ we’ve been through a lot in such a short period of time. ❞ ❝ you smell a little drunk, honestly. ❞ ❝ you don’t have to worry. i’m not stupid. ❞ ❝ you pretended like it wasn’t happening until it was too late. ❞ ❝ well, the sun’s already up. it’s beautiful. ❞ ❝ i can see how much you have on your shoulders. it’s a lot. ❞ ❝ i have never loved anyone like this before. ❞ ❝ i can’t believe you’re being so casual. ❞ ❝ we both had to learn how to survive really young. ❞ ❝ maybe i’ll stick around for a while, push my luck. ❞ ❝ we got a lot of catching up to do, buddy. ❞ ❝ what happened to your hand? ❞ ❝ now you come in here acting like some kind of hero? ❞ ❝ oh, you should see your face right now. ❞ ❝ who wouldn’t sell his soul for that? ❞ ❝ all i feel is rage. ❞ ❝ you’re not my homeland anymore, so what am i defending now? ❞ ❝ are you flirting with me? ❞ ❝ what, did i kiss you wrong? or... ❞ ❝ like i need your approval. the fuck? ❞ ❝ it’s like you’re not even trying, and yet, somehow you still try too hard. ❞ ❝ if anything, we can heal each other. ❞ ❝ who’s the man? i’m the man! ❞ ❝ how can you be so calm? ❞ ❝ sometimes we need to start over. completely. ❞ ❝ let me be clear. you fascinate me. ❞ ❝ good thing’s happen to people that are bad. ❞ ❝ everything’s better with a little whiskey. ❞ ❝ i’ve forged my way in the dark before, i can do it now. ❞ ❝ why are you looking at me like that? ❞ ❝ you are many things, but you are not a murderer. ❞ ❝ i have been having trouble reaching you. ❞ ❝ i'm such a fool. i’ve been distant, cruel. how can you ever forgive me? ❞ ❝ hey, not everything is a story, okay? ❞ ❝ i’m not entertaining your ego anymore. goodbye. ❞ ❝ you know i’m just trying to protect you. ❞ ❝ there’s evil everywhere in the world. ❞ ❝ i thought we could use a little date night. ❞

[cursed-domain]

Experiments

Mahito x Reader, WC ~3.9k

Mahito’s been testing out his powers for a while now. He wants to do something different with his latest victim. Something a little more... human.

warnings: NSFW and Dark Content - NONCON if that is not your thing do not read any farther. You have been warned. Also fear, tears, kidnapping, possessiveness, oral sex, biting, slapping and uh. Mahito. I think he deserves a warning of his own.

You stayed out just a little too late last night. And you walked home alone. Somewhere in the back of your mind, you knew that was a bad idea, but - the bar was right down the street from your apartment building, and your friends were - well, they were scattered, and they were hard to find, and you were sure that you could walk straight if you only tried. Your heels were only a couple inches high. 

Maybe you’d somehow fallen right down a drain in the sidewalk last night. Maybe it was too dark to notice, and you were more tipsy than you thought. But that theory doesn’t fit with your last memory aboveground. It doesn’t explain the presence you felt behind you, the feeling that something heavy and hateful had manifested right over your shoulder. 

Most importantly, there are no scratches or scrapes anywhere on your body. You can’t have fallen. You were brought here. Hidden away beneath the street into a tunnel you had no idea existed. And your host has been kind enough to keep you in perfect condition. You’re not even dirty from where you’ve clearly been crumpled on the floor - somehow, the stone corridor is perfectly clean.

As you sit up, all these thoughts run through your head in a matter of seconds. Your shell-shocked stream of consciousness doesn’t give way to panic until a hand from behind you lands on your shoulder. Its owner doesn’t even let you scream - he claps his other hand over your mouth before you have the chance to open it, and leans down so that you feel his hot breath in your ear. “Boo.” 

You strain against his hand when you hear his voice. It doesn’t sound - well, you’re not quite sure what you expected a kidnapper to sound like. Maybe a lower voice. Certainly a sinister one. But he just sounds excited and mischievous, like a child who’s gotten away with a prank. So lighthearted in what is, for you, such a dire situation - it sends a shiver up your spine to imagine his grin.

You don’t have to imagine for long. His hand slinks from your shoulder up your neck, taking root in your hair and yanking your head back so you’re forced to look up. It is dim in the tunnel, but you see his face clearly. You register, in a far-off place in your mind, that it is pretty, almost feminine. Your impression is that his face is far too fine compared to the coarseness of his mouth and his hands, even with the strange scars stitching their way across the unnaturally smooth skin.  

“Don’t look so terrified. Or do. I kinda like it.” Your eyes stretch even wider. “Yeah - I really like it, actually. Stay just like that.” When he speaks for longer, you notice the eerie quality of the cavern - the way it causes sounds to echo and reverberate down its walls. Farther down, you hear the drip-drip-drip of dirty water hitting the floor. But here - not even a drop. It’s as if the space has been cleared of its usual filth, just for you. “Okay,” he says, “I actually wanna hear you, too.” He doesn’t wait for a response before taking his hand from your mouth and letting go of your hair. 

Your heels - they must have fallen off. Or he took them off. In any case - you can run. You know it’s pointless as soon as you stand up. You know even the time you take to rise to your feet is enough for him to grab onto you again. But you have to try. So you do. You’re surprised to get any distance at all. You’re shocked to have made it ten paces - twenty - thirty. Even sprinting with the adrenaline-spiked speed of someone who fears for her life, this shouldn’t be possible. But you find yourself starting to hope. You’re fast, and maybe he was caught off guard. Maybe, just maybe, you can make it to the light you see shining at the mouth of the tunnel. It’s not that far away. And once you’re out there, on the street, he won’t be able to do anything. You’ll make it home and forget this ever happened. Even now, you’re wondering if it’s all a dream. If you’re going to wake up once you hit that light - closer now, so close - snug in your bed, wondering how you managed to make it home last night but relieved that you did. Yes. That has to be it. This isn’t real, and you’re going to escape it so, so soon -

A rush of cold air streaks past you, and your captor appears in front of you, grinning as he blocks your path. You try to step to the side, but he’s already there. Back the other way - he beats you again. You feel your will collapse in on itself as he steps forward and snakes his hand around your waist, laughing unabashedly as you struggle. “Not bad,” he says. “Of course, I gave you a pretty big head start. But still. You run pretty fast for someone who could barely walk the night before.”

You’re so close to him that you’re sure he must be able to hear your heart pounding. Despite your best efforts to hold yourself back, you find yourself looking up at his face again. His eyes are pretty, too. But they’re mismatched - one is a light gray and the other is deep blue - and unblinking. Seeing them up close only makes his presence more unnerving. He grins crookedly as you make eye contact with him, staring back without saying a word.

“What - why -” you break eye contact, choosing instead to stare at the ground where his bare feet are nearly on top of yours. “Please. Let me go.”

“Nuh-uh. No way.” He pushes you back at arms length and leans over you, his face coming so close to yours that your eyes unfocus trying to look at him. “Haven’t even done anything yet.”

“Done…”

“Mhm.” He takes your shoulders and turns you around, giving you a light shove to get you moving. You shudder - your dress has an open back, so his hand didn’t just touch your clothes, but your bare skin. And it’s so short, too. He’s probably staring as you walk, tracing your curves with those unnatural eyes. He looked down when he had you pressed up against him. He didn’t even try to hide it. 

“That’s far enough.” You stop, not even daring to turn around. He slithers around you instead, dragging his hand over the back of your dress again as he passes, keeping a hold on you and pulling you close again. “You’re gonna help me out with some things today, alright?”

When you hesitate, his long fingernails tighten against your skin. He’ll draw blood if he presses any harder. “What…what do you want?”

“I’ve been doin’ some experiments down here.” His nails drag down the curve of your back, only stopping at your hips. “Been learning what I’m capable of. I’ll show you the other test subjects if I have to but… I think I’ve already convinced you to cooperate, right?” He tugs on the hem of your dress, sliding his fingertips underneath the edge of the thin fabric. “You don’t seem ready to meet anyone right now, anyways. Not as if they’re really in a state to talk to you.”

You stare blankly, resisting the urge to squirm as his hand trails up the back of your thigh. Not for the first time, you wonder if you’re going to be leaving this place alive.

“Lots of room down here,” he says. “Plenty of dark corners. But I think I’m gonna keep you right here.” 

“Please..” you say.

“Hmm?” He smiles a second later, once he understands. “Please don’t kill you, right? Don’t mutate your pretty body and then throw you somewhere no one will ever find you?” Your mind amends mutate to mutilate. The intellectual victory does nothing to comfort you. “Don’t worry. ‘m not gonna do that. Not yet, anyways.” His nails are scraping very high on your thigh, now, and the other hand is weaving its way through your hair. His fingers seem to bend strangely around you, as if they have no set form at all, as if they’re molding to best fit your body as he claims it piece by piece. “You’re just gonna help me out a little, okay? “You’re gonna help me figure out what else I’m capable of.”

He grips the top of your head and forces it up and down, mimicking a nod, laughing impishly as you glare up at him. “So sweet of you. We’ll take this one step at a time, alright?”

You don’t understand until he leans over you, running a fingertip across your lips to part them slightly before meeting them with his own. You try to recoil, but the hand toying with your dress runs up your back and presses you forward, forcing you deeper into the kiss instead. It’s unexpectedly gentle, at first, but as your body is forced flush against his it becomes more messy, more hungry. He shoves his tongue against yours and grips your hair tight enough for it to hurt, only drawing back for long enough to bite your lip and watch a string of drool drip across the faint indent he’s left behind. You gasp for breath until he swallows up your mouth again, using his tongue to reach every place he can. 

You stay in place even when he relaxes his grip. He only stops to speak once he has, it seems to you, tried every kind of kiss he can think of - fast, slow, shallow, violent, hungry, sloppy. “You’re doing good,” he says, flashing the same smile as before. “Good start. Amazing, really…” He shakes his head, like he’s trying to clear his thoughts, and the softer smile is replaced by a cold grin. “Take your dress off.” 

“Wh -”

“Take it off. Take off whatever you have underneath it, too. I don’t care about seeing it.”

“But -” 

“But - but -” He laughs again, practically giggles as he mocks your faint protests. “You don’t wanna die, either, do you?”

Mute, you shake your head.

“Actually…” He turns you around again, and you think you hear him sigh faintly as his hips snap against yours. “You’re taking too long. I’ll just do it myself.” He gives you no time to react before tugging on the zipper of your short dress, so violently that it hitches on the teeth and nearly breaks off. Only the second time does he do it right, pulling it all the way down in a smooth motion. The dress only covered from your lower back to a few inches down your thighs, anyways, and now even that protection is stripped away. The front of your body is exposed, too, as he tugs the thin garment along with your panties down to the stone ground beneath your feet.

Every muscle in your body tenses as his own bare skin collides with yours, his worn pants pulled down to rest alongside your dress. “Didn’t even wear anything beneath the dress up here,” he mutters. He reaches from behind you, groping your tits with no regard for the way you whine and squirm. “Making it so easy for me, aren’t you?”

“No,” you gasp. “Didn’t wear anything there. I should have -”

He claws his nails over the delicate peaks of your breasts, and you bite hard on your lip to keep from crying out. “Interesting. That’s a sweet spot, huh?” You shiver as he clamps down on you again. “You got any more I should know about?”

“No…” You lie, as if anything you say now will help you. He’s tracing every inch of your skin already, down your stomach and hips and up your thighs, squeezing and pinching when you least expect it, mapping you out like you’re the first person he’s been this close to in his life. 

“You sure?” He taps his fingertips along the creases that connect the tops of your thighs to your body, pressing close against you and breathing hot in your ear. Making sure you hear and feel his excitement. “We’re gonna test that out, too. So spread out your legs. They’re getting in the way.” 

You clench your fists tight and do as he says, shifting on either side to allow him easy access to every part of you. Still, you reflexively pull your hips back as his fingers climb their way towards your cunt, cringing when your sudden motions make his cock pulse against your skin. 

“What’re you doing that for?” He cups his hand between your legs, ending your desperate attempts to squirm away. “Not like you’re going anywhere, right?” He pulls his hand back, showing you the wet sheen that’s rubbed off on his fingers. “I don’t think you would even if you could. But if you want, I’ll let you run again. Give you ‘til the count of ten before I start chasing you. Maybe even twenty or thirty. Maybe I’ll let you see the street before I drag you back here.” He lets go of you, grabbing your arms and using them to turn you back the way you ran before. “We’ll do it now, actually. Run! I’ll be not-quite-right-behind you.”

You shake your head. 

“Come onn. It’ll be fun. Or - well, I’ll have fun.” Your feet stay rooted to the ground. He looks genuinely disappointed, for a moment, as if he actually expected you to take him up on his inane offer. “Fine.” He shoves down on your shoulders, and you follow the motion, crumpling down to your knees with no resistance. “You can entertain me this way instead, then.” Now that he’s in front of you again, you look for the first time. You’re equal parts curious and repelled by the stitch-like markings that continue down the rest of his body. If you were thinking clearly, you’d wonder if they were perhaps tattoos, and why anyone would choose to do something like that to themselves. But the crisscrossing lines guide you far too quickly down the length of his frame, forcing your curious eyes down below his hips before you have the sense to close them. 

He tilts his head, sizing up your expression before flicking his eyes down your body and then back up to meet yours. “You’ve definitely done this before. So do it right.” Your eyes are almost as wide as your mouth as he closes the last inches between you and him. “Make it feel how it’s supposed to.” You nod blanlky as you wonder how you’re supposed to fit him all the way in your mouth. Maybe you won’t have to. He’s so obviously inexperienced, so eager… maybe you can end this quickly. 

You drag the tip of your tongue up the underside of his cock, forcing yourself to look up at him as you give the same slow treatment to the sides and the tip before taking the shaft in your hand. He stares back, his gaze flicking between your eyes and your mouth as it works over his cock. He’s breathing harder already, less than halfway into your mouth, almost letting the breaths tip over the edge into moans as your tongue flicks up his length again. It takes a concerted effort not to close your eyes, to not let your resolve crumble. 

It has started to happen already. He was right in his crude assessment of you - you do know what you’re doing - but you’ve never been so terrified with a cock in your mouth, never felt like your life depended on your ability to please the man in front of you. Your strokes become sloppy as you let panic edge into the corners of your vision.

“Fuck,” he groans. Your one free hand clenches into a fist as he grabs you at the nape of your neck and thrusts forward, holding you still as he forces his cock back into your throat. “Fuck.” You feel him writhe in your mouth just as his fingers did in your hair, molding himself to the contours of your throat as he fucks your face over and over, only becoming more frantic as you start to struggle against his hand, more frenzied as you gag and drool around him, until finally - finally - you’re tugged forward one last time, your lips pulled taught as hot liquid spurts down your throat. He keeps you there as you continue struggling for breath, sliding his thumb over your bottom lip and smearing your drool across your face. 

When you’re finally allowed to pull back, you wrap your arms around yourself, shrinking inwards as you whisper, “Please. May I go now?”

“Huh?” He crouches down until his face is level with yours, crossing his arms over his knees as he sinks to the ground. You try to keep your eyes on his face - it’s practically glowing, his eyes wild and bright, their contrasting colors even more apparent. “We’re not done yet, sweetheart. Just taking a little break.” 

You freeze for a second before scrambling backwards. It’s absolutely stupid, but - he said he wanted you to run. So he won’t get mad at you for trying one last time. And maybe it’ll work this time. Maybe you’ll get out. Maybe he was lying and he’s actually ready to see you go. Maybe seeing you run naked and sobbing onto the street will be enough to satisfy him, and he won’t chase you any farther.

He gives you five paces before pouncing, pinning you to the ground with one hand wrapped tight around your throat, turning you over so he can see the fear written on your face. “Guess what?” He whispers it into your ear before sinking his teeth into your neck, nearly hard enough to split your skin open. You feel something hard pressing into your stomach, swelling as you cry out in pain. “Break is over.” He drags his tongue over cheek and traces it down your jaw before kissing you right where the bite mark still glows red on your skin. Using both hands to pin your wrists down at your sides, he drags his way down your body, running his tongue over your breasts, your navel, around the triangle between your thighs. “I usually don’t care much about what’s fair, but - I really think I should return the favor.” His eyes flit down to your legs, squeezed tightly together. “Try to relax. This is supposed to be fun, right?” He works two fingers between thighs and prys them open. 

You hold back a whimper as he dives into the space between, dragging the flat of his tongue voraciously over your hot cunt. He’s sloppy, ignoring the way your eyes are glued to his face as he tests and probes your cunt, teasing the opening and forcing his tongue inside, giving no pause before swallowing the sheen left behind. You have to squeeze your eyes shut. You have to tell yourself not to give in to the heat sweeping through your core, not to accept even a tiny bit of pleasure from the man defiling you, but - it’s so, so difficult. So strange to feel someone so obviously selfish pleasing you, even if it’s by accident, even if it’s just for his own enjoyment - you can’t stop yourself from pushing your hips shamelessly against his mouth. Can’t stop yourself from moaning as his fingers find your clit. 

He pulls away, laughing at the whine that escapes from your mouth. “Tastes better than I thought,” he says. “But you  - you’re reacting just like I thought. It’s like your mind’s melting away.” He pinches your clit between two fingers, and your eyes nearly roll back into your head. “You’re being controlled by this now.”

You just manage to shake your head. “No - no. I’m still - I don’t -”

He pounces on top of you again, thrusting his fingers into your open mouth. “Shhh. You don’t have to talk. That’s not what you’re here for.” He grinds against you, his cock already pushing at the entrance to your cunt as he fucks your mouth with his fingers, nearly making you gag as he pushes relentlessly into your throat. “You’re here to help me out, right? And you’ve been doing so good. So good for me.” You don’t want your stomach to flutter at the praise. Not here, not from him. You try your best to ignore it, tell yourself to close your eyes as he all but fucks your thighs. 

When you try to screw them shut, though, he puts his pinky right on your eyelid and drags up, forcing it to flutter open again. “Ah-ah,” he says. “Keep your eyes open. I wanna see how this makes you feel.” He presses his hips hard against yours, guiding himself nearly all the way inside you in a single motion. “Fuck.” His eyes nearly close as he savors the feeling of you tightening around him, but he keeps them open just wide enough to see your lips open wide, forming an O around the fingers still scraping against your tongue. “I’m keeping you here forever. Understand?” The drool from his fingers smudges across your cheek as he grabs the sides of your face, squeezing as he shoves farther inside you, over and over again, only spurred on by the sloppy noises he hears every time the two of you connect. “Gonna be - gonna be my fucking toy forever. I’ll keep you on a fucking leash if I have to.” 

All you can do is whimper and blink back your tears. He brushes his tongue across your face, licking them away as they overflow. “You look so scared. So mad.” He’s slowing himself down, now. Making it last. “It’s cute. Stay just like that, okay?” He presses on the corners of your mouth, forcing it deeper into a scowl. “So fucking cute.”

Your eyes match the anger he’s forced onto your mouth. Somehow, this moment feels worse than everything that’s come before. He’s playing with your face now. Trying to make it his, just like your body. And something about that - it breaks your daze. And your arms aren’t pinned anymore. There’s nothing you can do to make him stop, but. You feel the overwhelming urge to do something.

You reach up and slap him. Right across his pretty face, turning it sharply aside just as his cock buries itself all the way inside your cunt, reaching farther than you thought anyone ever could. His eyes widen, and his grip on your face tightens to a vise. You think that just once, you’ve managed to shock him.

Your faint sense of victory fades when you feel his cock pulse unmistakably inside you. 

“Oh -” he sighs blissfully as he releases inside you, and you go limp as he collapses into your shoulder. A moment later, he turns his head and whispers in your ear. “Very interesting.” You can practically feel his grin radiating against your neck. “I’m definitely keeping you, now. So many things to try…” You squirm as he shifts on top of you, his face hovering right over your own. “And you’re gonna help me with every single one.”

[literaila]

hi i have a fic request: the reader and spencer were dating and instead of emily dying the reader “died”. and during the time that the reader was presumed “dead”, spencer met maeve and they started dated and everything and when the reader came back there was a ton of tension and awkwardness. and after maeve dies the reader comforts spencer and like they grow closer and get together? ty ily<3

the art of knowing 

spencer reid x gn! reader 

warnings: criminal minds themes, angst, fluff, death. all that fun stuff. 

a/n: its four am. i take no credit for any of this. thank you for the request, my love. 

*

he couldn't let go of that tiny piece of paper.

vaguely, he thought it might smell like you, still.

through the ceremony, through the tears, the stains on the vinyl flooring that everyone was walking on, the fresh grass, and the silence that followed when everyone had said goodbye-- he just couldn't let it go.

it was just a small piece of paper. a hastily scrawled-out letter to him, from you, that was on something only slightly bigger than a sticky note. he knew the words by heart, and even if he didn't, he could’ve guessed what it said.

he knew as soon as he saw it on his desk, as soon as he noticed the lone flower, the organization of the flies he’d left sprawled out. he knew that you’d been there, and he knew that you were gone. how could he not have known?

he couldn't get the question out of his head, and he couldn't get this paper out of his hand.

“goodbye, spencer” was quite possibly the last thing he would ever hear from you.

no, it was. he knew that.

god, he was sitting at your funeral, watching other people cry over you. he’d been asked to say something and he’d refused because you wouldn't want him crying on some podium in front of everyone else. because he wanted to save that for when he got home. he knew all of these things, and yet he still didn’t understand.

he had to face the truth, teach himself the reality.

he was still clutching the paper when derek came over, when he offered spencer a hand on the shoulder, his never-ending support.

spencer was trying to wipe away any hint of water that might be left on his face even though he knew that it would only irritate his eyes more. that he would cry some more today anyway.

“i’m sorry,” derek said instead of asking him what everyone else had asked him today. as if there was a difference in the responses they might get.

“you didn't do anything,” spencer said instead of telling him that he’d already said that. that he already knew. that he was sorry too.

“i didn't do enough,”

“there wasn't anything else you could do.” spencer didn't know why he was reassuring him, but, at least it distracted from the flowers everyone was laying on the ground.

“reid…”

spencer stood up, he clutched the paper in his hand harder, willing himself not to think of those last words again. he didn't look at derek, but he didn't walk away. his body was numb, his fingers felt like nothing. withdrawal, he could have told you. this is what heartbreak was. withdrawal from chemicals he’d grown dependent on.

but somehow, the science wasn't enough.

“i feel like i should have known,” he whispered, letting his eyes sting again. he didn't have the energy it would take to blink the tears away.

“known what?”

the scoff that followed the question was anything but kind. “two years. two years spent with y/n and i didn't even get the chance to know-” he could feel the words leaking out of his chest, flowing like blood, like there wasn't enough pressure. “a whole different life i didn't even know about.”

he was mad. he was so angry. he felt so guilty, but he couldn't feel anything but mad at the little piece of paper in his hands. the goodbye you had known he would need.

“we all have secrets,” derek said, another reassurance that just made spencer want to scream.

“yeah, and i’m supposed to know everything.”

it was just a tiny piece of paper. it wasn't you, it wasn't anything like the person he had known. you had died, you were dead, and you had died someone that spencer had never even known.

really, how couldn't he have known?

*

he’d known about addiction long before that day. long before he could ever properly understand what it was-- that you could be addicted to a person, too.

but, he also knew, he learned, that you could stop it. that you could put addiction in a drawer far away and move on with your life-- that you would take it out sometimes, just to look at it, and still it would be okay. that you could have more than just a second chance.

he knew that, now, then, before all of this, even.

spencer was a genius, and he knew now how grief worked. he knew how the passing of time could really heal a person.

he knew that he was falling in love with a voice.

that there were multiple stages to addiction.

and one of those was leaving you behind.

*

he… he didn't know who this person was.

he didn't, he just didn't understand who was standing in front of him, who was there, why you were standing there right in front of him.

awkwardly smiling.

you didn't exist anymore. not to him-- not to anyone. you were dead, you were sitting in the ground somewhere, you were a ghost flying above his head, telling him it was okay to move on.

you were there, standing in front of him.

he didn't know you. he didn't know those eyes, and he didn't know that smile, and he didn't know who he was when you were here. he didn't know how you were here.

so he asked.

“how?” he swallowed, tried to get that dried feeling out of his mouth.

“y/l/n’s identity was strictly ‘need to know’ and Paris was a safe place to be reassigned until their security was assured.”

apparently, it was now because you were standing in front of him.

you were standing in front of him, and he wasn't addicted to you anymore. he didn't care, and he couldn't feel anything, even when he willed himself to. he felt like the corpse, like he was the one who was burried in the ground-- like you were supposed to be. 

but, no. no, because you were alive and he felt nothing.

and when you spoke, his heart didn't race. when he looked at your eyes, he didnt even classify them as familiar. they were something else, you were something else. 

he knew beause he had your last words memorized, and these certainly weren't them.

and god, he certainly didn't know you.

*

it didn't take long to understand. not for you, who had known spencer better than you’d known anything before. not for you, who used to study his face, watch his expressions until you got bored-- just for fun.

it didn't take long to understand that something had changed, to see the difference in the air between the two of you. to feel it. 

there was something different in his eyes, and, something had changed. even from the first moment he looked at you, that first pass of his eyes, even then. you knew. 

how couldn’t you know? 

they were different-- the brown, the swirl of colors, the familiarity. it was different. it was strange and terrifying, the change. 

those eyes weren't looking at you the same, he wasn't looking at you like he used to.

and you knew that, you could feel it. so half an hour later when you were all walking out of the room, you had to chase him down. no after how determined he was to get away.

“spence-” you followed him, focused on nothing else. “spencer, hey-”

he turned around. you were shocked, by his eyes, by his frown. you took a step back, and you felt more than you possibly could in a hallway at the bureau.

“what?” he asked, and you weren't sure. what else was there to say? what were you supposed to know? how were you supposed to guess what had changed?

“i…” you willed your eyes not to sting, willed yourself not to be affected by this certain feeling in your chest. “i missed you?”

and maybe it was the wrong thing to say, maybe it was. but the scoff from spencer, the scoff hurt.

“i missed you too, when i thought you were dead.”

you stepped back, hurt, concerned, anything but the happiness you’d hoped to feel when you finally saw him again. his words were unfamiliar, his eyes were unfamiliar, and you still didn't know what to say.

how were you supposed to fix this?

“i’m sorry,” you whispered, looking down. you felt small now. you didn't understand, no matter how much you thought you might.

you’d died, you knew. you were gone for months, but you’d missed him. you’d spent every day, every single one of them, hoping, dreaming, wanting to go back to him. you wanted to touch him, to hear his voice, to listen to him even if it was over a cellphone. you wanted to be alive to him, to be his still. you just wanted him back.

you’d spent every day wanting him back. 

but now, now all you wanted to do was to feel bigger. you wanted to see him smile, to know what had changed. you wanted the truth and nothing short of it. 

“y/n, i…”

and this. this wasn't anger. his voice, quiet as it always was, beautiful as it always had been, desperate like you’d never heard before-- his voice was full of guilt, of shame you couldn't recognize.

“i’m glad you aren't dead.”

“ha,” you deadpanned, angry now at the sound of his voice. angry now at the feeling building in your chest. you weren't used to him anymore, you didn't know him the same anymore. but still, you knew too much.

“really, really glad, but i’ve,” his voice cracked, his eyes fell, his body was slouching. you knew how to read this, you would’ve known even if it wasn't him.

you didn't want to hear the next words, but you had to, and you did.

“i met someone- i-”

and maybe it was grief, maybe it was anger, maybe it was desperation, but you smiled. maybe it was an effort to be enough.

“it's okay, spencer.”

those words were such lies, but you had to believe them, you had to feel like you believed them. you owed him that. 

“if you’re happy, then it's okay. that's all i’ve wanted, all i could hope for in-” you swallowed, took a breath that was just enough to keep you from falling on the floor, from begging at his feet. “paris,” you smiled wider, you took a step back, but this time just to give him space. “its okay,” you repeated.

and that had to be enough. it had to be enough because you were walking away.

but, really, spencer was the one who was leaving you behind. you should’ve understood sooner-- because how could you not have known?

*

you didn't bother to look at him.

it had been three weeks. three weeks since you’d broken up-- officially for you since you’d never actually gotten the chance to before, but you supposed you couldn’t actually break up with a corpse. three weeks since you’d smiled and walked away.

it had to be what was best for him. if spencer could find someone who made him happy, if spencer could find someone in the minuscule months you’d been gone, if spencer could move past you, then he deserved to. you couldn't be the one to stop that, and you wouldn't be mad because, honestly, you’d done it to yourself.

and he couldn't be mad because you weren't. because you’d let him go and he had no more reason to be mad. he could even go back to pretending you didn't exist if he wished to.

so you were both content. you both worked with each other, you both avoided eyes. you couldn't bother to look at him or his eyes when all you wanted to do was scream at the feeling in them.

because you’d known that feeling--before. because you’d been on the other end of that feeling before, because your eyes had mirrored his before, and because you knew how that felt.

and you were desperate to get it back. you wanted to pull him back, force him to stay in the cocoon of the two of you. you wanted to claw at him and never allow him to move away.

but that was selfish. you’d already been selfish enough. you’d made him grieve you, and now you had to return the favor.

the difference between the two of you was that you didn't know enough about addiction. you didn't know that despite the time that had passed, your withdrawal had never actually gone away. you didn't know how it worked and so you didn't know that it was still there.

you just saw the look in his eyes. a look you’d used to create. the look of love, of admiration, of hope. love, you used to feel, you think.

when you looked at him all you could see was the feelings he had for someone else.

so no, you didn't bother to look at him.

*

here was what spencer knew about grief: it passed. it was just withdrawal until it wasn't. love was just another addiction, just some more chemicals in your brain, just an idea that you clung to.

it would pass, he knew.

but how could he have known this would happen again?

it would pass, eventually.

but how was he supposed to live through it twice, but really only once?

because you were still here. because you were alive, and not dead, and you were walking him home. you were making sure he got there safe.

and you weren't dead, but she was.

and how was spencer supposed to cope with that?

how could he grieve, when he really didn't know how?

*

if this had been a fraction of what it was like when spencer thought you died, if this was anything like that-- you couldn't bear to see it.

it was like repetition, it was like deja vu, like a memory.

you saw his eyes, and you saw his hopelessness, and you saw yourself reflected back in the colors of his face. you saw the grief, the pain, the anger, the loss.

you couldn't bear to watch this, not then, not now. not when you still felt angry, not when you were still angry.

they had all pleaded with you-- go talk to him, they said. talk to him, you’ll understand.

but that wasn't fair because spencer hadn't died for you. you’d left him and spencer had survived. it wasn’t fair because you still hadn't learned how to deal with any of it. you still couldn't let go, move on, as he had.

so then, why were you standing in front of his door, holding a card addressed to spencer from all of your friends?

well, you couldn't bear to stay away. and you almost couldn't bear to face him when he opened the door, but somehow, you did. somehow, you spoke first.

“hi, spencer,” you said, waving at him, moving back a little, just to give him some space.

“what’re you…” he looked around, looking for someone with you, someone else. his voice was rough like he hadn't talked in days. he looked like a skeleton, standing there in front of you. “...doing here?” he looked you up and down, but he wasn't really looking at anything.

you noticed the hand he had on the door, the subconscious way he had begun to close it, the hand he was holding over his chest, blocking you from him.

“the team sent me, they’re really worried,” your voice was shaking, and you had no idea why. “i brought a card from them, and- and i wanted to see how you were doing.”

his brows furrowed, like what you’d said didn't make any sense. you copied him, concerned with your own sanity. wondering again, why you were here?

“no offense,” he started, standing up taller, looking and sounding anything like spencer, anything but pleasant. “but we aren't really friends, are we?”

there was some irritation rolling up your spine at his words, but his face was innocent. he wasn't being malicious, he wasn't trying to make you feel ridiculous, and he wasn't trying to hurt you anymore. he was too kind for that, you knew. 

you took a breath in, tried to smile. “i guess not,” you sighed, looking down at the ground with unmistakable shame, but then you looked back up. “but, i care about you. i want to be here for you. i- i want to be.. here.”

and no matter how closed off he looked, no matter how strange his face looked, no matter how much you knew he didn't want to, he opened the door and let you in.

and that was how it started. your friendship with spencer.

really, who could’ve known?

*

"i like your apartment," you said while the two of you walked through it. while spencer led you through whatever this strange place was.

"yeah, well, i couldn't keep the apartment after..." he trailed off, no remorse, no feeling in his voice.

you went to sit on his couch, strange and different, but he stayed standing. he paced around the floor, mumbling things under his breath you couldn't understand.

the tightlipped smile you had on your face was doing nothing to conceal your emotions.

"after i died."

he looked up at that, shocked by your crudeness. you rolled your eyes, pulling off your jacket.

"that's a shame, i really liked that kitchen."

spencer bit his lip, continued his pacing, muttered "i know" under his breath. his irritation would've made you laugh if he wasn't looking so insane.

you saw the bottles on the table, the mugs laying around, the papers and books thrown across the floor-- all the things you didn't want to see, you saw them. and you almost couldn't bear it, almost tried to pretend you still hadn't noticed them. but, you were familiar with this.

he did this before when he was still in love with you. when he was stressed.

despite how hard you might try, you couldn't just forget everything about him.

"do i need to ask spencer?" your voice was softer now, quieter. you knew him, and he knew what you were asking.

"do you really want the answer, y/n?" he retorted, rolling his eyes.

maybe sometime, you'd tell him that his defense mechanism was sarcasm. maybe sometime, you'd let him know how annoying it could be.

"it's not going to be what i want, but, neither is anything else." it was a subtle remark about the situation, you hoped spencer hadn't heard those last couple of words. "i don't want this for you, spencer, but i'm here to listen, and so i will."

he stopped pacing, stopped stepping over books and around paperwork. he stopped moving, and it reminded you of that night.

it reminded you of him collapsing in on himself, it reminded you of the anger you knew you didn't deserve to feel, the relief you knew you would never get.

it reminded you of further back when all you could do was smile and let him go.

you'd known him for so long, but you'd never seen him broken like this.

your thoughts distracted you from spencer, who was sitting next to you now, running an agitated hand through his hair, turning himself away from you.

"do you know what grief does to the body?" he asked.

yes, you could have answered. yes, im feeling it right now.

but instead, you said "no," and waited for him to continue.

he did, begrudgingly, a few moments later. "the shock factor causes a spike of adrenaline in your system-- a lot like someone gets in a bad accident --and then when the adrenaline wears off, your body has no choice but to succumb to the pain."

and you, well, you could have told him that, but you let him continue.

"a lot of people have documented actual inflammation which attributes to health issues after a loved one has..." he stopped there. he paused, and his eyes were gone. his feeling was gone, his words were gone.

you could practically see him disappearing on the couch, right next to you.

you could see him slipping away, the reality sinking in further than it could before, and so, you started talking.

you had to say something, and this would have to be enough. your remorse for him would have to be enough to get you through this.

because otherwise, how could you stand it?

"do you ever get that moment in the morning, when you've temporarily forgotten everything bad and it just feels... peaceful?" the words were a shock to both of you. the sound of your voice. 

you weren't looking at him, but the wall, willing yourself not to feel that reminder. not to think of any of it. "do you ever get that?" you repeated, eyes off. 

spencer nodded, small, hard for you to see when you were actively trying not to look at him-- but enough to continue.

"it's like our conscious and subconscious make a pact, to give us that split second of peace." you laughed, bittersweet, and looked at him. you turned towards him, making sure he was looking at you.

making sure he couldn't tell what you were thinking about, that this was about anything but him.

"when that relief happens, spencer, you have to grab hold of it-- just hold onto it."

he stared at you, brows furrowed.

"you reach, and you grab it, and you keep it." you nodded along with your words, feeling that sick crawling up your chest, feeling that grief along with all the guilt.

this wasn't fair to him, you knew that, but if this could help-- even a little bit --you had to try.

"why...?" spencer tried to start, clearing his throat to keep his word from breaking.

"that's how you get past it." you motioned to him, to the floor, to the things all around his home, and finally, to yourself. "passed all the shock, and adrenaline, and all the sick."

spencer was looking down, not at you anymore, not at anything.

you used to know those eyes, you were sure. you used to understand every thought that ran through his head, you used to remember the person you had been with him. you used to be able to think of him without cringing, without that sick feeling in your stomach, wrapping itself around you like a blanket.

you used to understand, and now you didn't. but this had to be enough. this had to be enough for you, to be here with him.

"okay?" you asked, softer, gently. "okay?" you repeated.

and he nodded.

*

you went over once a week. just for the first couple of months. you went over to spencer's, you watched movies, you held his hand and squeezed his shoulder.

you managed not to tear yourself into pieces, managed to actually smile when you were around him. you managed to do it all, managed to do enough to keep the nightmares away, to keep those circles from under his eyes.

and that's all you wanted, really. that's all you needed. as long as spencer was okay, okay as he could be, as long as he was coping, moving on, doing everything a normal human being should. as long as he was doing all of that, you didn't need anything else.

and, and if there was a tiny piece of you, locked away in all the dark parts you tried to keep secret-- if there was a piece of you that was hopeful, that was holding onto something other than just tiny moments, if there was a piece of you that thought maybe he would just-

if there was any piece of you that thought differently, well, you would ignore it.

you went over once a week, just to make sure he was okay.

and really, where was the harm in that?

*

"'the shining' tonight?" he asked, walking alongside you, carrying the coffee you had just bought for him.

"why do you insist on watching that at least once a month-"

"this is actually only the third time,"

"it was enough the first two." he smiled at you, and you couldn't keep the grin from slipping back.

"sounds good," he concluded, walking along.

and if you followed him, well, you were just being a good friend.

*

"do you think i should get a haircut?" you asked, walking around his desk, prancing more like. prancing like he was your prey and you were about to eat him.

the thought made you giggle.

"your hair looks fine," he answered, not really paying attention. instead, he was marking something off of a page, flipping to the next one in barely a second.

"real nice, spence. as long as you think it's fine-"

"did you know that the average person gets around 150 haircuts in their lifetime?"

"yeah, spencer, and all those people have dead ends," you groaned and he hummed.

and if you liked the way the light was reflecting off of his face, hiding the shadows you knew were there, well, you were just bored.

*

"spencer-" he was running away from you, running away from whatever ghost was following him.

you had to stop chasing him, but somehow, you knew you wouldn't be able to even if you tried.

"spencer, will you just-" you tried again, running far enough ahead so that you could stand in his way.

you couldn't bear to see the blank look in his eyes, the emotionless void you would never get used to.

"yes?" he asked, like you were a child like you were a little kid and you needed him to fix something.

it was condescending and rude and you just wanted to yell at him-- to yell at yourself for being irritated.

"are you okay?" you asked instead. you hated the words, but you hated this feeling more.

"i'm fine." and then he attempted to get past you.

"spencer, those girls, they were all-"

"all what, y/n? all shot? all murdered?"

"that's not what i mean-"

"that's the job, y/l/n. you should know that."

he was gone after that. disappearing, like you both had before.

and, if you wanted to scream, to bang your fists against the wall until it broke, to beg him to just listen to you, to sleep in his bed and watch him while he slept, well. you were going to ignore it. grief wasn't an object, and it wouldn't go away.

you would know.

*

some nights, particularly on the ones when spencer was busy, when there was a case and you weren't supposed to be sneaking into each other's hotel room, on those nights you felt colder than you ever had before.

you felt that feeling again-- the one spencer had taught you about.

the sick that almost made your insides collapse. the sick that was going to fill you to the brim until it couldn't anymore, numb you to the very edge. the sick that had been there for over a year, a long year full of death. full of life and nothing but destruction. the infection that should've been gone ages ago.

on those nights, you tried to hold onto reality, tried to remind yourself of what had actually happened.

it was all a chain of events, really. and it was truly all of your fault.

you couldn't be angry because if you wanted to be angry at someone, it had to be yourself.

it couldn't be spencer, or maeve, or hotch, or the universe.

just you.

and the sick would pass, you knew. the next day when spencer would hand you your coffee mug, when he would say something-- anything --and you would listen. it would all go away.

and if those feelings, if that reality that you kept trying to avoid, if that wouldn't go away, well. you were going to have to let it go because you couldn't keep going like this. pretending.

honestly, how couldn't you know?

*

recently, the effort you'd put into keeping at least a three-foot distance between you and spencer was tireless.

to give him space, obviously. to avoid bumping into him when you were walking, to keep yourself from tripping into him.

it was just convenient, you told yourself. nothing else to it.

except, on this night, after a long day at work, after spencer had sat down right next to you with a book in hand, so much closer than you wanted. well, you couldn't just simply move away.

there was no space on this couch anyway.

technically, you were supposed to be watching a movie. technically, spencer had picked this one out-- something about the discovery of water, you thought --and you had no interest in it. technically, he was completely ignoring it.

before, two years ago-- almost, that was. almost two years without him. before, two years ago, you would've bickered with him about it until he gave in. until he put down the book, clicked a button on the remote you'd misplaced, and lean in so close to you that you could barely breathe. it was a routine, you were sure, and back then you wondered if he brought the book out just so you would tease him about. like it was an excuse to kiss you if he needed one.

not that you were thinking about that. not that he was doing it again. not that it mattered, honestly.

just a memory that hit you, is all, as you stared at the screen, pretended to listen to the words when all you wanted to do was put some distance between the two of you.

it was getting hard not to feel that pull, not to let that feeling trap you.

"spencer," you whispered, glancing at him out of the corner of your eye.

he hummed instead of answering, didn't look up from the page.

"you're cold,"

he quirked an eyebrow at you, turning towards you only slightly. he was only a little bit closer now, but it only proved you were lying some more.

he was desperately hot.

"do you need a blanket?" he asked, the picture of innocence.

at least one of you was.

"no, just maybe a little more space. don't want to get hypothermia," you coughed, an attempted laugh maybe, and tried to move away.

"you're not showing any of the symptoms of hypothermia-- are you fatigued, or is your heart racing?"

you would've laughed if he wasn't moving his face closer to yours, trying to check your pupils discreetly.

"um, no, spencer. i was kidding, i'm just going to--" you moved, an inch, and then another, smiling at him.

it wasn't too suspicious. and the movie was halfway over.

"okay,"

and you looked back at the screen...

only to feel his eyes on you a moment later. you turned your head slightly. he hadn't picked his book back up, hadn't moved an inch from before.

"aren't you going to read your book again so you can keep bothering me, reid?"

you didn't need to look to see the smile. "is it bothering you?"

you threw your head back, turning so he could see you roll your eyes. his brown ones, impossibly bright, impossibly beautiful were staring back at you, mischievous. you bit the inside of your cheek and then laughed.

"no, of course not, spencer." you turned towards the tv again. "i am very interested and equally involved in the discovery of water," you waved your hand for him to continue.

"that's not actually what..." he trailed off, freezing at something.

"are you okay?" this time, you didn't hesitate to move closer to him, to place a hand on his shoulder and get him to look at you.

his heat was excruciating and addicting. a dangerous combination.

but your concern beat your stupid feelings, and so, you didn't move away.

"deja vu..." he said, head-turning, eyes looking down on you.

"what?"

"we've done this before," was all he said, continuing to stare like he didn't know what was happening. staring at you with strange eyes, strange wide eyes.

it was only scaring you a little bit. you didn't understand.

"we've never watched this movie before," you reassured as if he was worried about that. as if that was the problem.

"no," he said, moving a foot closer, breaking the boundary you had put between the two of you. "no, but we've done this before."

he was too close, now.

"spencer... what?" you looked from the screen to him, nervously, trying not to feel intimidated, small. he hadn't been this close in so long.

"just-" and then he was leaning in. he was leaning close enough for his breath to trail across your skin, close enough that you could feel the heat radiating from his cheek, that you could barely see his eyes anymore.

close enough to kiss you.

but, you couldnt breathe like that.

and so, with all the grace you had, you moved back. so far back, and put your knees up as a barrier between the two of you. anything to keep him away.

"um, spencer i don't know if you forgot-" he tried to interrupt, but you weren't paying attention. "i died, remember? and then- and then, um, you moved on and, we haven't done that in a long time and-"

“y/n-"

"-we're just friends, right? and friends don't really get that close- we shouldn't get-" but he was, he was getting that close, and your stuttering was slowing because you couldn't focus on anything but him.

"i remember," spencer whispered, but his eyes weren't on yours anymore. no, they were on your lips, staring down at the place he hadn't bothered to look at in two years. at your face, which he hadn't seen until now.

"we cant-"

"can i kiss you?" he asked, instead of paying attention, instead of remembering, instead of understanding that this was going to tear you from the inside out.

"i don't think that's a good idea, spencer, i really don't..." you trailed off because he was moving back.

"i'm not going to make you do anything you don't want to," he promised, looking so beautiful, speaking so plainly. 

and those words, they made your heart start beating again. because who was he to assume?

"no! it's just- we haven't kissed. we don't kiss, anymore."

it was a painful reality, and you almost felt bad for saying it when you saw the wince on spencer's face, but, it was the truth. you couldn't deny either of you from the truth.

"i know it's familiar, and maybe comforting, but i don't think it's a good idea." you breathed in once, wanted to scream at yourself for saying those words. wanted to scream because you'd wanted to kiss spencer since the moment you'd stopped.

"no, that's not why i want to kiss you," his voice broke on the word kiss, and you attempted to scramble yourself on the couch, to move so that he wouldn't have the opportunity to convince you.

it wouldn't take much.

"it'll just hurt us both more, spencer." your voice was monotone because you weren't sure if you could get this out any other way. the stinging around your eyes had to be fake because you weren't crying.

honestly, you didn't care.

and then, spencer got up, walked away.

and you had to care. you had to care because, despite the fact that he'd left you, that you'd been grieving for him for the last two years, that you missed him more than it was possible to miss another person-- despite all of that, he was your best friend.

he'd become your best friend, had been that since you'd first met, and you couldn't let that go now.

so you followed, you followed again, and called his name again, and begged him to come back, for the first time out loud.

but when he came back out of his bedroom, all you heard was the crinkling of paper.

you just saw spencer's never-ending serious face, but, mixed was the tiniest him of embarrassment. the pink splattered across his cheek, the hesitation to look at you.

he was holding something.

"what's that?" you asked, distracted from the issue, momentarily focused on just him and not the past.

except, when he held it up, you could see that it was the opposite.

"it's the letter you wrote me when-" he swallowed, smiling a sad smile at you and then looking down again. "when you left."

you'd left it on his desk, so he'd find it first. so that he would be the first one to know.

"oh," you breathed out, shocked, sick.

"i kept it because it was the last piece i had of you," he folded it into tiny pieces, then unfolded it along the creases. it looked like a practiced motion "i used to keep it in my shirt pocket, but when i met maeve, i put it in my bedside drawer."

goodbye, spencer. you'd wrote. you'd cried while writing it, cried while you drove away, cried when you woke up in the hospital, cried every night after you came back.

it was excruciating to leave without spencer, but you'd learned it was worse to have him leave you when you were still there.

you'd have traded that feeling for anything else.

you breathed in, shakily. you didn't like these memories, you didn't like that he was digging them back up, but you had to listen. you wouldn't leave, now.

"i put it in my bedside drawer because it's important to keep mementos-- its actually a method of coping, and some people believe it strengthens relationships, and you were gone, but i thought that-" he stopped. took a deep breath in, closed his eyes and counted to three. you could tell, you knew him that well.

you smiled, despite the stinging in your eyes, the pricks on your skin, the crawling up your stomach.

"i kept it because it was the last words i got from you, and i couldn't let that go. i still cant, y/n."

you couldn't process these words, you couldn't process this feeling. it was detrimental, and you had noting you could say.

"i don't know if you can ever stop loving someone, i mean," he snorted, looked right at you like he didn't know what he was saying. "i know you can learn to love someone else, but, i don't know if you can ever get rid of that feeling... of that-" and he was still looking at you, but he wasn't talking anymore.

and you weren't breathing because this was a dream, because you would not allow yourself to wake up from this, and you would not start crying in front of him.

you were selfish selfish selfish.

"i don't know how i couldn't have known i was still in love with you, but i didn't, and now," his eyes, his voice, his entire demeanor softened. he was molding, changing right in front of you. it had to be impossible. "i do. i know."

spencer had never spoken this much, he didn't confess, he didn't not know things, so this had to be fake. it had to be.

"spencer," you gasped out, shocked by the sound of your own voice. shocked to find out that you still couldn't breathe.

shocked to watch him move forward, smile the same smile you thought you might've fallen in love with.

"you know now, so, can i kiss you?"

you couldn't remember the last time the two of you had kissed. you thought that it might've been right before bed that night, that you might've kissed him on his forehead while he was sitting on his desk, that he might've kissed up your neck while you cuddled each other to sleep.

but you couldn't remember.

and so, it was painful to even utter the word "yes".

it was painful to feel that again. that lovely, lovely feeling.

his lips against yours, softer than you could remember, slower than you'd ever imagined possible. so much better than you could've thought another persons lips could be.

and you wanted to gasp, to breathe, but you didn't dare move away from him.

this was too good, this was too waited for, this was too painful to move back.

and so you didn't and neither did he. neither of you could.

you grabbed at each other, threaded your hands through his hair, held onto his face like you would never let go, and you kissed him like you loved him.

because you did.

and then, when you did break, when you were sure, you moved back and couldn't stop the slip of "spencer" that came from your lips.

your puffy, recently kissed lips.

and when you finally got the courage to open your eyes, the most beautiful smile you could've seen was there. waiting for you.

"you're my moment." spencer said, he whispered as if it was a realization.

"what?" you asked, still breathless, still addicted to a kiss you hadn't allowed yourself to think of, really, in two years.

"that moment in the morning, the moment of peace when everything is still good... you're my moment."

your heart stopped again. stopped, because this was you, these were your words coming from his lips.

"do you remember?" he asked, thinking of those words from those months ago, those words you'd told him in an effort to comfort yourself. to remind yourself that he was still there.

you nodded and spencer smiled.

"you're my peace and my relief, y/n," he pulled your face closer to his, leaned in, and it was like nothing you'd ever felt before.

his smile, his lips, his words.

this was a strange feeling.

"i'm holding onto you, now. i don't think i can let go,"

these weren't his words, but they were enough.

you were smiling, you realized. even with the tear stains down your face, even with the puffy lips, even with the heartache and the addiction, even with the years between the two of you.

you were smiling.

"i love you, spencer."

and so was he.

because really, how couldn't you have known?

* 

my masterlist here. 

[imagines-hoarder]

House Warming - Bucky Barnes

Summary: Hopping through some standout moments in making Bucky's apartment a place worth coming home to. (This definitely could have been a headcanon but I refuse to do headcanons at this time.)

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader

Word count: 2.6 k

Warnings: fluff with a lil angst

A/N: I have finished all the assignments left for my degree and decided to sit down and write today. This is probably trash but idc because it has been written and therefore I may as well release it. It's been a while since I've written and years since I've truly tried dipping my foot into a different fandom, but I figured I'd give it ago. Please don't forget to leave comments, I love interacting with y'all. Thank you @bwbatta​ for the dividers! xoxox

Masterlist

It all started with a damn candle. A ‘sandalwood & vanilla orchid’ candle tucked away in a reused cyan jar.

“I found it at the art market down the street last weekend,” you said as you placed it in the corner of the living room window. “You know we have to support local business.”

“And I shouldn’t assume this is your way of telling me my place smells, right?” Bucky quipped from the kitchen island, a cup of coffee in his hand and a lazy smile on his face. He’d just gotten back from a 12-day mission with Sam, and the last thing he had on his to-do list was to buy candles.

The smile grew firmer as you put yourself into his arms. “Complete opposite, actually. I bought it cause I thought it smelled just like you.” You hid your face within his chest, and he thanked the stars that you couldn’t see the warmth rising in his cheeks. His barren apartment felt a little bigger with a candle in the windowsill.

From there it became decorative pillows… and a couch to hold them. The small living room had quickly become a mess by the time you both had brought it up to his fourth-floor apartment, furniture wrap and packing peanuts strewn everywhere.

“I still don’t know why you needed to buy a sofa this big,” Bucky grumbled as he leaned over the back of the beige three-seater, looking down at your splayed out across its cushions.

“Don’t get me wrong, babe. I love the transient bachelor look you’ve got going on here, but you need more furniture than an armchair,” you mumbled between heavy breaths as you tried to regain control from maneuvering the couch into the apartment.

“And the pillows?” A laugh fell from your lips as you watched him look at the indigo cushions with a remarkable amount of disdain. Who buys pillows made just to look nice on a couch?

“They add character.”

“I didn’t think character was an area we were lacking in. Transient bachelor, remember?” He walked around the couch and shifted you over so he could lay beside you. You instinctively curled into him as you both closed your eyes. For a second the place felt like home. “I also don't know how you plan for us both to fit on this couch every day along with the pillows.”

“Don’t worry about it,” You looked up from his chest with a mischievous glint that made his heart skip. “It’s a pullout bed too. I’m sure it’ll be firm enough even for you.”

The home improvements didn’t stop there, but Bucky refused to admit how much he enjoyed them.

He liked having a place and person to come home to. After you had bought neutral bedding for his room, you’d spent an evening putting together ‘his and hers’ trestle bookcases for either side of the bed. He’d try to keep up his crabbish demeanor as you argued that ‘you needed a place to set your books for when you slept over,’ and a side table could no longer contain the small collection you had spilling over. Even still, he couldn’t find it in himself to banter much about the minor changes you made to make the place feel lived in.

And God, did he love living with you around. Between missions, his continued therapy, and trying to find his place in a world that had tripled in opportunity since his youth, he knew that he never had to question who he was and where he fit in when he walked through that door. You still occasionally slept at your own apartment when he was away, but he could always count on you being asleep in his bed by the time he came home.

One toothbrush in a glass became two, and from there, hand creams, face masks, and cotton pads cluttered the bathroom counter, packed away in their clear containers. You had made sure to keep lavender bath salts on hand for the late-night baths you took together when he woke up in a panic, unable to close his eyes again for fear of falling back into a nightmare.

It took time and working through plenty of hesitation before Bucky could progress from sleeping on the pull-out sofa to the bed, but ever since, you found your nights attended by restlessness whenever you weren’t wrapped in his arms.

Once your lease was up and you had a lengthy conversation about your inability to rest without him, you quickly filled the apartment with brown boxes. Bucky had been no less than astounded by how much you fit into them. From then on, no nook or cranny was without a vase or shelf.

“How many mugs does one house need,” Bucky asked skeptically while he continued to carefully pull them from their paper wrappings.

“Oh, come on! They’re fun!” You exclaimed, wrapping an arm around his waist as you took the Charlie Brown mug from his metal palm. “Plus, we go through enough coffee around here to justify some extra mugs.”

After you put the mug into the lowest shelf of the cabinet, you busied yourself with filing away the spices one cabinet over. No matter how much he tried, Bucky couldn’t pull his eyes away from you, lost in your own world as you chipped away at unpacking your belongings, making yours his, and vice versa. The domesticity in the little things you did was something he could get used to, and he wanted to return the feeling of normalcy as much as he could. He was far from the average boyfriend, but you remind him that could be a good thing. You never wanted to be average, but in these small moments, as you both did what normal couples do, he felt that he could create a new normal with you.

“So your Christmas gift came in already, and it’s too big to hide.” Your awkward tone carried over the phone as he exited a station ten minutes away from the apartment. Even though his neck ached and the cold nipped at the top of his ears, he couldn’t stop himself from releasing a breathy laugh.

“I thought you said you were good at this gift-giving thing, doll,” he teased you as he maneuvered his way to your shared apartment.

“Oh, don’t you fret, baby. I am the best gift-giver in all of New York City. I just slightly miscalculated how big this thing was and have realized it won’t fit into our closet.”

He tsked with a smirk on his face. “If you say so.”

“Hey, you gave me my Christmas gift a week ago.”

“Yeah, that’s because I didn’t know if I’d be back before Christmas.”

“Well, you will be, and I’m glad you are,” your voice softened lovingly as he pulled out his keys to the front of the building.

Bucky had gotten used to your love, but he’d vow to never take it for granted. All the pain he’d endured had somehow led him to you, the person who didn’t see his broken pieces as a burden or a project but as a potential to be whatever he desired.

When he hung up the call and unlocked the apartment, his brows furrowed into one; the apartment was pitch black. It was only when he heard your soft footstep walking towards the entrance that his face relaxed.

Before he could even kiss you, you had your palms firmly placed over his eyes. “No peeking; your gift is in the living room.”

The uncertainty in what you could have got him made his stomach clench. “Is it an animal?”

You slowly dragged him through the front hallway, making sure to avoid crashing into the entryway storage table. “I’m sorry to say it’s not alive.”

“Is it a nice welcome-home spread with candles, fruit, and the pullout bed all set up?”

He could feel your eyes roll to completion. “Easy there, sergeant. That’s for later.” You pulled him down to sit on the couch, and he kept his eyes closed as you pulled your palms away, moving to turn on a lamp. “Okay, Buck. open up.”

When he opened his eyes, it took him a moment to understand what he was seeing nestled against the wall; when he did recognize it, he could only form two words “Holy shit.”

“Holy shit indeed.”

He was quick to stand up and cross the room, eager to get a good look at the walnut centerpiece. “Does it work?”

You scoffed as you moved to kiss his cheek. “What kind of girlfriend would get her ancient boyfriend a broken phonograph console?”

He didn’t even attempt to answer as he bent down to wrap his arms around you, his lips eager to find yours. “A fucking Magnavox radio and phonograph,” he mumbled against your lips.

“A working Magnavox radio and phonograph, you mean.” When you pulled away and saw that his face held a glow reserved only for special occasions, you knew you had made the right choice. “I’ve got some records wrapped up if you want to open those now too.”

You yelped in surprise as he picked you up and made his way towards your bedroom. “I’ve got something else I’d like to unwrap first.”

Bucky Barnes had grown up in a period when the average family could seldom afford nice things or much of anything at all. The Great Depression has resulted in the slogan ‘Make it do or Do without,” being ingrained into what memories he still had, and 'doing without' had become commonplace for the Barnes household.

That’s why every gadget and gizmo you added to your household left him in awe. For much of his life, including the decades he spent as a weapon for Hydra, he hadn’t been allowed to call anything his own; he was still getting used to living so plentifully, both in love and in life. But now, he could barely move and he thought it had all been taken away from him.

The attack was supposed to have been contained, at least three miles away from the apartment. Anything less, and he would have made you visit your family upstate instead of just suggesting it. By the time Sam had told him that there’d been some confirmed damage within a block of the apartment, Bucky was already on his way home. He couldn’t think of anything but the worse: you trapped in a collapsing apartment building or pulling up to find no building there at all.

He felt his lungs fill with air again as he pulled up to your building, completely intact regardless of the severe damage less than a five-minute walk away. It felt like both seconds and hours between when he parked his outside and unlocked the front door.

“He doesn’t have his phone on him, mom. How am I supposed to…” you trailed off from your call as he walked into the living room, turning your head away from the Breaking News report you’d been glued to for the last hour. “Wait, I’ll call you back. Yeah, I’m fine. I’ll call you back.” Your eyes never left his as he walked over to you, hanging up the phone with worry in your eyes. “Buck, are you oka-”

You couldn’t even finish your sentence before he pulled you off of the couch and into his arms. His grip was less reserved than he usually kept, but he made sure not to hurt you, eager to keep you in his arms, where he knew you were safe. A single tear fell from the corner of his eyes as he realized the real possibility that he could have lost you if you lived even 5 minutes closer to the attack. You stayed like that for a while, gathered tightly in his arms as you both settled onto the floor You didn’t push him to verbalize his fear; you already understood it. And it took this occurrence for him to realize he never wanted to experience this feeling again.

Bucky was quiet for the rest of the evening, and while it worried you, his fear had been evident enough not to require questioning. The city-wide cleanup had lasted all hours of the night; for the first time in all the years you had lived in the city, the sounds of the whirring of vehicles clearing debris off the street had been too close to ignore. The sun was rising before a single word was said between you and Bucky, tangled together on the sofa as the first ray of light made itself known.

“You’ve spent so much time piecing this place together, doll.” His voice was raspy. You know he hates when you see him cry, but his pain was always evident in his voice. “And it could have been all wiped away in seconds.” You let a heavy silence settle between you as you traced a pattern into his shoulder. He couldn’t bear to say it, but you knew what he meant: You could have been gone within seconds. “I just… I don’t ever want to feel like this again.”

You’d both gone through so much to make your relationship work. Nearly normal was as close as you would ever attain to being an average couple. The distance, the days without contact, and the ever-present fear that anything could pull you away from one another was something that had taken time to work through.

You looked around the living room and saw the place you had built together. There were photos and books scattered on any flat surface, a leftover mug half-filled with cold tea, and a record left out on the phonograph. The apartment looked like what love felt like; a messy combination of everything you and Bucky. But this apartment could not contain everything that ‘home’ was; only Bucky could do that.

The words fell from your mouth before you could restrain them. “Maybe we should move.”

Your eyes found each other, and you both sat in silence, though it felt lighter, invigorated with the new proposition.

Before he even responded, you could see tension dissolve from his shoulders. “Where do you want to move?”

You hadn’t thought that far ahead, only being able to provide him with a shrug. “I don’t know… maybe upstate, maybe somewhere else.”

“Your mom would like you being Upstate.”

“My mom would love us living next door too, but I don’t see that in the cards anytime soon.” You got a ghost of a smile for that.

“We could probably afford a house if we moved out there,” he said as he moved his lips to meet your forehead.

“Buck, I’d move anywhere with you. As long as we have each other, then we have all we need to rebuild this place.”

He pressed soft kisses to the crown of your head, and you swore you felt his chest flutter. “Tomorrow, I’m gonna look for some places, bigger ones too.” He tilted your head up to find your eyes, and you were sure that all of the love you carried for each other was incredibly visible at that moment. “You have made this apartment something worth coming home to. Now let me give you a house to make a home.” Your skin tingled with adoration as you pulled him as close as possible, burying your face into his neck.

You didn’t want to let go. You wanted to lay in this room, in this bed, and in this moment until the end of time, but you knew that something bigger and better was on the horizon for you and Bucky.

“All I heard is that you’re buying me a house.” His laugh was music to your ears.

[luci-in-trenchcoats]

Season 16 (Part 1)

Summary: After being captured by Michael while Dean was under his control, the reader has spent a very long time locked away waiting for someone to come and find her. When the day finally comes that the door opens, it’s not a familiar face she’s greeted with. Somehow the impossible is standing right in front of her but there’s no time to think about that. Something is terribly wrong and the reader needs the help of this strange young man if she wants to stop what Michael’s put in motion and have a chance at seeing Dean alive again...

Masterlist

Pairing: Dean x reader

Square: Free Space

Word Count: 3,600ish

Warnings: language, SPN season 15 and series spoilers, injury, mention of main character deaths, mention of torture, angst, fluff

A/N: This series takes place post season 15 and follows canon (i.e. if it happened in the show, it happened in this story’s universe). This series is told between the reader and Dean’s POV. This was also written for @supernatural-jackles​ Tell Me A Story bingo!

________

Reader’s POV

You just about had a heart attack when the door opened. It’d been such a long time since it’d been opened. Years and years and years. You’d lost track of the days quickly but it was long enough for you to accept that it’d been a very long time. Long enough to accept that when Michael took over Dean and threw you down in the windowless little room, Dean didn’t win that fight.

The only thing keeping you going aside from the spell Michael had put up to keep you permanently trapped, body stuck in time, was the desire to save Dean. Or what was left of him. You’d been alone for years, body having taken a beating by Michael when he first captured you. You were still covered in bruises, broken ribs that wouldn’t heal, pain in every breath. You didn’t sleep, didn’t eat. Solitude, cut off from the world, that was your main form of torture. Dean though...who knew what hell he was going through trapped with a psychopath like that for all these years.

You readied yourself, a dark figure walking inside the room. The room was pitch black to a certain point before you were trapped under a bright light you’d yet to figure out how to turn off. The figure stopped as their feet hit the brightness, a pair of brown boots and slim dark jeans all you could make out. They mumbled something and you felt the air shift slightly. You dared to reach at hand out to where the invisible wall keeping you trapped had been.

Your hand waved right on through it and you suddenly felt cool, clean air hit you. The person jolted when you sprang up, running away as you bolted for the door. You followed them up a flight of stairs and straight out into the foyer of a very nice house. You could see it was a man now and tackled him, straddling his hips and grabbing your knife from your waistband of your loose shorts, holding it to his throat. He breathed hard as you stared at him, cocking your head.

He was the spitting image of Dean. Mostly. His eyes weren’t green and there was something about his nose that reminded you of your own. The biggest tell of all though was the genuine fear in his face, the confusion. 

“What’s your name,” you said. You held up the knife for a moment and tucked it away when you saw he was only focused on it. The young man, no more than twenty years old, took a deep breath. You yelped when he threw his legs up and wrapped them around your waist, yanking you off of him. He scrambled to his feet but you were on his tail, grabbing at his jacket. He spun around and popped you in the face, sending you to the floor.

You whined and cupped your cheek, the young man frozen in the doorway with a horrified look on his face.

“Who punches their own mom!” you shouted. He ran out the door and you went after, growling at your bare feet as he took off down the gravel driveway. “I’m gonna find you!”

You stomped your foot on the cool concrete front path, glancing to your right and spotting a sports car. You jogged back inside and found a pair of women’s sneakers, a little too big but you tied them tight and found some keys on a front table. 

About two minutes later you were pulling up beside the guy on the road and hopped out of the car, the man running into the nearby treeline. You pulled out your knife and threw it, catching his jacket and pinning the sleeve to the tree trunk. He stumbled and fell down as you walked over, staring up with wide eyes. You sighed and ran a hand over your face. 

“Can you at least tell me your first name?” you asked. He shook his head and you crossed your arms. “I bet your name is Lyle, isn’t it.”

“How’d you know that?” he asked, voice a bit higher than Dean’s but it made you smile, something warm and familiar to it.

“I’ve had a lot of time to think recently. Lyle is my top name for a boy if I ever had one,” you said. “So. Lyle Winchester.”

“That’s not my name,” he said. He stood up and pulled out the knife, carefully holding it out to you.

“You look just like Dean and me. You’re my son...somehow,” you said.

“Fine. My name is Lyle and that’s all I can say about myself,” he said. “I’m serious.”

You recognized the tone, that edge to it, the roughness but laced with an undercurrent of worry. Part of you wanted him to tell you everything about him but you knew he couldn’t, instead letting yourself give him a simple nod.

“I’ll make you a deal Lyle. I won’t ask questions about you that you can’t answer if you tell me how and why you got me out of there and answer anything else I want to know about this little situation.”

“Or else what?” he scoffed.

“Or else someday when you’re a teenager I won’t let you do anything. Lyle.” You took the knife from him and put it away, taking a deep breath. You stepped back out to the road, leaning against the car. You shut your eyes, something heavy draped over you. You peeled one eye open, Lyle leaning back against the car next to you in a blue flannel and dark gray t-shirt. His black hooded jacket was over your shoulders and you slipped your arms through the sleeves, wrapping them around yourself. You squeezed your eyes tight, shuddering before warm arms embraced you, Lyle almost as tall as Dean holding you close to him. “How did you know I was down there?”

“I can’t answer that,” he said.

“What year is it?” you asked.

“2089.” You froze, staring up at him. “Well, 2089 where we are right now is.”

“Lyle. It was 2018 when Michael took me. That’s not possible.”

“I can’t answer that either.” Tears welled up in your eyes and he hugged you again. “Sorry.”

“Dean was thirty nine the last time I saw him and it’s seventy one years later? He is dead. Sam is dead. They’re all dead so explain to me how the fucking hell I have a son with Dean!” you shouted. You pushed him away and ran your hands over your face. “Years. Fucking years I’ve sat down there waiting for him to come and get me. Him or Sam or someone. Fucking seventy one years!”

“Y/N,” he said, sounding a bit awkward but he cleared his throat. “I can’t answer everything because I don’t know everything. But I exist and that should tell you something.”

You wiped off your face with his sleeve and looked around, turning back and staring at him.

“I’m at the start of whatever this is and you’re way down the line,” you said. He nodded with a slight smile.

“I don’t understand it but this, where I’m from, this has already happened to you.”

“You’re from the future then,” you said.

“Not exactly,” he said. 

“A different universe?” He looked at you like you were nuts and the air shifted, Lyle freezing. You turned and saw Jack, a smile on his face. “Jack?”

“Hi Y/N,” he said. He stepped over and gave you a big hug, a little bit of ache inside you easing finally. “Don’t worry about him. He’s just on pause.”

“Jack I don’t understand fucking anything. What’s going on?” you asked. He pursed his lips and sighed.

“Well you already figured out Lyle is your and Dean’s son. I didn’t think I could slip that one past you. But it had to be him that came and saved you.”

“Why?”

“Dean’s in heaven. Has been for 69 years.” You broke away from him feeling like you’d had a punch to gut and making you breathless. “I probably shouldn’t have told you that with the whole decades worth of trauma thing happening right now.”

“Did Michael…” you trailed off.

“No. A piece of rebar on a vamp hunt,” he said.

“He what?” you said.

“Yeah got pushed back on it. Sam was okay though. Oh and Dean had a dog for a few months.”

“Dean fucking died from that? That’s what kept him down?” you said. Jack nodded and you looked down, blinking your eyes. “Disregarding what is going on in my head right now about that, why didn’t you heal him? Or Castiel?”

“Well Cas was in heaven helping me rebuild after he sort of died and I brought him back. I kinda am the new God,” he said with a smile.

“I’m proud of that but again, why didn’t you come down here and heal Dean?”

“I’m sort of hands off in that regard,” he said. You were about to go off on him for that when it hit you.

“Jack how long have you known I was alive,” you said. 

“2020 when I took over, I got these extra-”

“You knew I was alive and  left me in a hole in the ground for over seventy years?” you said. 

“Like I said, I’m hands off,” he said. 

“I was your fucking mom! I took care of you! I protected you! I almost died for you more than once and when you find out I’m still alive you say fuck that bitch, she can deal with it on her own? What the fuck is wrong with you!” you shouted. You slapped him in the face, Jack pouting as you sank down to your knees. “I want Dean.”

“Y/N.”

“I want Dean and Sam.”

“Y/N-”

“I want Dean!”

“I can’t-”

“Fuck you! You’re as every bit as evil as that devil father of yours after all,” you said. You forced yourself to your feet, tears prickling in his eyes. “Oh did I hurt your feelings? Tough fucking shit! Do you realize that I have not only been stuck waiting for years but my body got stuck too. I’ve been sitting with broken ribs for seventy years. Every single breath excruciating.”

You yanked up your shirt, deep purple and black skin radiating across most of your abdomen. Jack reached out a hand and you moved back, dropping your shirt.

“I thought you were hands off. I don’t want your-” you said before warmth trickled through you, the pain gone, body feeling so strange at being without it. 

“I don’t have to touch to heal you,” he said quietly. He swallowed and bowed his head. “I tried to let people live their lives without my interference and sometimes they’re messy but I’ve come to realize recently that’s wrong. A bit of help here and there is good. It gives people hope and maybe I should have done things different.”

“My family’s dead and I don’t want to wait around decades more to see them again in heaven. You’re going to-”

“No I won’t. Lyle’s life counts on you doing exactly what you’re supposed to as do your two other children’s. I can’t just put you in heaven. You can’t die right and you have to wait to see Dean until things work themselves out. Lyle’s going to be with you for a while and help get some things settled. It’s already set in motion so go with it,” he said.

“Jack I want Dean. Please,” you said. “Please Jack. Just five minutes.”

“Would you rather have your family back in the near future, alive, or would you rather have your and Dean’s souls torn apart and you never see him again, dead or alive? Rather he over there doesn’t exist? Rather no one exists?”

“I didn’t say that. Of course I would rather have them back alive-“

“Then be patient.”

“Jack. You gotta give me something. Something please.”

“I’ll talk to Lyle, tell him he can loosen up some. But I can’t tell you what to do. You have to follow your gut. Listen to Lyle and it’ll work out,” said Jack. You squeezed your eyes shut, Jack carefully resting a hand on your shoulder. “Do you hate me?”

“I hate that our family was ripped apart. I hate that you didn’t tell the boys I was alive once you knew. I hate that the last time I saw Dean alive we argued. I think what I hate most of all is that you treated us like everyone else. We’re not, Jack. We’re your family. All of us deserved a chance at normal and we didn’t get it.”

“Sam did.”

“How many years did Sam live without us? Without his brother?” you asked. Jack glanced down and you nodded. “You said you became God? Why didn’t you get rid of the monsters altogether Jack. Don’t tell me you don’t have that power.”

“I thought...I thought it was the natural order.”

“Yet you know there are other universes with no monsters at all. You could have taken the monsters away. Shit turn them human for all I care. The boys didn’t have to keep hunting after you took over. You could have been hands off and changed that one fact and saved so many lives, improved so many lives.”

“No. I couldn’t have changed it. Not back then.”

“Why the hell not?” you asked. He pulled his hand away and you found yourself in some clean clothes, Lyle’s jacket folded on top of the car.

“Because when I became God, I learned a lot. It sucks knowing that certain things have to happen and that I had to ignore when Sam prayed to me in that barn because things had to happen this way.”

“But why?”

“Because if I didn’t, if I’d intervened then and there, this universe, all of the ones I’ve been busy rebuilding, the way I’ve been rebuilding heaven...it’d be gone. Destroyed and I wouldn’t be able to put it back. It’s a temporary pain even if it doesn’t seem like it. So please, Y/N, please, listen to Lyle. Work with him. It’ll work out and things can be okay. You can have everything you ever wanted and more. You can have the freaking apple pie life and the no monsters and all of it but please understand you have more shit to go through first and whatever happens, do not let Lyle die.”

“He’s my son. I wouldn’t let that happen to him,” you said. Jack nodded and you grabbed his arm when he turned to leave. “You’ve grown up Jackie.”

“I’m still a baby by God standards,” he said.

“The guys take care of you after I was gone?” you asked. 

“Yeah. I missed you though,” he said. “I accidentally killed Mary and sort of lost my soul for a bit. Things got bad for a while.”

“Do you see Kelly in heaven sometimes? Mary?” you asked. He nodded and you smiled. “Kids can fuck up and your parents will forgive you.”

“I’m sorry it has to be this way, Y/N. If I could snap my fingers to fix it all, stop it from ever happening, I would.”

“I’m going to trust that it had to be this way,” you said. “But give me a ballpark figure here. When do I get the guys back?”

“That’s relative. You’re going to end up breaking the space time continuum so it’s hard to answer that correctly.” You stared at him and he shrugged. “Not too long. A few days at most. I promise.”

“Wait is that how we have a twenty year old son?” you asked.

“Yes. The next time you see Dean he’ll be younger than the last you saw him. Just trust your gut and Lyle. Next time I see you I hope things are much better,” he said. You opened your mouth but he disappeared. You shook your head and turned around, Lyle now wearing his jacket, standing closer to the passenger seat door. For a long while you both simply stared, Lyle looking as if he’d just had his own long conversation with Jack. 

“You can call me Y/N if that makes it easier,” you said. He nodded and you took a deep breath, going to the driver’s side. “So. What’s the next move?”

“Jack just said after I got you out we had to go to Lebanon. He didn’t tell me anything more than that,” he said.

“Any idea where we are?” you asked.

“San Antonio,” he said. “So we go North?”

“Yeah,” you said quietly. “Mind taking the first shift driving? I sort of haven’t slept in like seventy years.”

“No that’s fine,” he said. He walked around the front and you made your way to the passenger side, climbing in and sighing. He got behind the wheel and took a deep breath. “You and dad run a construction business.”

“That’s nice,” you said, smiling to yourself. “Dean’d be real good at that kind of thing. He’s really smart.”

“I know. Most guys can’t call up their dad for help on their architecture homework,” he said. 

“You go to college?” you asked, Lyle nodding. “Do you know about...this stuff?”

“I’m still not convinced I’m not insane. I just got home on a friday night. We had dinner and everyone went outside to have a bonfire in the backyard. I went in to use the bathroom and Uncle Jack stopped me before I could get back outside. He said a lot of crazy stuff I didn’t believe but the fact you were in that basement...you and dad are only like forty but you’re obviously too old right now to have had me when that would have made sense and Uncle Jack said space and time is gonna break and-”

“Lyle,” you said, holding up a hand. “Relax. I just want to know, do you know what hunting is?”

“Dad doesn’t go hunting,” he said, narrowing his eyes. You smiled and nodded to yourself. “We don’t even own a gun.”

“I doubt that. But that must mean that something happens to the monsters along the way too.”

“What do you mean monsters? And why were you kidnapped in a basement? And what the fuck is going on? You’re supposed to be my mom that runs the family business and you kick ass in your soccer league in the summer and you can’t cook to save your life and that’s okay cause you’re really good at baking and pies and shit and I just don’t understand who you really are.” His face was flush, eyes fighting back tears. You smiled, reaching over and cupping his cheek.

“You’re a good guy Lyle. We obviously did something right,” you said, wiping away a stray tear that fell. “It’s scary. It’s really scary. I’m not your mom yet but I will be someday. I promise I will tell you everything you don’t know when I catch up to your time. Dean and I will. But we need to go to Lebanon and the faster we can go there and figure out what we have to do, the faster we can get you back home where you belong.”

“But can’t you-”

“This world isn’t safe, Lyle. It is very unsafe for a Winchester especially. Please drive now,” you said. You put on your seatbelt and he closed his eyes. “Please.”

“I was supposed to be having a smore right now,” he said.

“I know. But saving the world is kinda cool,” you said. 

“I don’t want to save the world. I want to go home and not see my mom be beat to shit. I want my dad to go back to teasing me at dinner and not being dead,” he said. 

“If we do this right, you can go back to that really soon. It hasn’t happened for me yet. We can talk all about this when you come back. The night you come back we can talk through it all. But we have to get going. The sooner we go, the sooner it goes back to normal.”

“It’ll never be normal again.”

“Yes it will. I promise.”

“How do you-“

“Because I just had this really bad thing happen to me but someday I’m going to have you and everything I ever wanted with Dean. So it sucks right now but it’ll be better eventually. I know it will. You’re here so I know it’ll be normal.” He nodded and wiped off his face, starting the car up again.

“Y/N. Are you okay after...you know...being down there beat up all that time?”

“Not really,” you said. He took off his jacket and handed it to you. You stared before he rolled his eyes, laying it over your front.

“Sleep. I can drive.”

“Lyle.”

“Y/N. Rest. It’s safe. I got this.”

“You take after your dad.”

“Take after someone else too,” he said. You smiled and nodded, resting your head on your shoulder, closing your eyes. “I’ll wake you up for breakfast.”

“Egg and-”

“Cheese on a biscuit, two breakfast burritos, extra hot sauce and a small hot latte.”

“At least my road trip order didn’t change,” you said, quickly relaxing and falling asleep for the first time in ages.

_______

A/N: Read part 2 here!

[azrielsbxtch]

CHAPTER ONE OF AN UNNAMED MODERN GWYNRIEL FIC I’VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT…

**********************************************

Gwyn woke up to her new roommate Blair blasting some pop rock song and singing along to it. She groaned and pushed her hair away from her face rubbing her eyes. It had been like this for two weeks and she didn’t know how long she could take it.

Ever since her other roommate Daffodil had his heart broken by a spirited water Nymph,he’d started sleeping around. The girls never lasted more than two days but somehow Blair had lasted three whole weeks. Gwyn didn’t know if it was the ashroots they always smoked or if the sex was just that good,but Blair had managed to stick around.

And to make matters worse,Daffodil had officially made Blair their roommate and she had taken over the last room in the loft. This had all happened without Gwyn’s approval and when she confronted him,he said it was too late anyway and the landlord didn’t mind. Of course the landlord didn’t mind,he was Daffodil’s second cousin or something. And so for the last three weeks,Gwyn’s apartment had turned into her own personal hell.

Groaning,she got out of bed and headed into her bathroom. She took a quick shower and dressed in some jeans and a baggy Tshirt. It was too late to do anything with her hair so she left the red locks hanging down. She was looking for her keys when her phone rang and her best friend’s face appeared on it.

“Hey Nes” she answered while packing up the last of the things she needed for today into a tote bag.

“Okay I changed my mind again. I think I want the party at Rita’s”

Gwyn groaned and said “Nesta you’ve changed the location five times already. The party’s tonight I don’t think you can just change the location”

“Sure I can. I’ll just tell the decorators to go there instead”

Gwyn walked out of her apartment narrowly dodging Blair who was dancing round the living room clearly high. It was seven in the morning for fucks sake.

“I know you can but too many things could go wrong. I don’t know why you’re overthinking this. It’s a birthday party not a fricking mating ceremony”

“You’re pissed at something and it’s not me Gwyneth. What is it?”

Gwyn sighed and waved hello to one of her neighbors before leaving the building.

“Blair and Daffodil”

“Of course”. Nesta muttered.

“She woke me up with her awful music and last night she actually came into my room and unplugged my phone to charge hers! It ended up dying because it’s a piece of crap and now I’m late because my alarm didn’t go off”

“I keep telling you. Just move in with me.”

“I’d love to but I cannot be a third wheel. You and Cassian are deliriously in love,it’s disgustingly beautiful and I love you,but no. And unless I plan on moving to Illyria,Emerie’s not an option either. Have you told her about you changing the venue by the way?”

“No she’ll yell at me. She thinks I’m too indecisive. You’re way more patient about all of this”

“I regret that everyday”

“Are you at work yet?”

“Nope. Merill is going to skin me alive”

“I could call Feyre -“

“No Nes,it’s fine”

Nesta sighed. “Okay. I’ll call you later with updates”

“Are you 100% sure you’re moving the party to Rita’s.”

“Definitely.”

“Okay. I’ll see you later”

“Love you. Bye”

Gwyn dropped her phone in her bag and walked faster.

***********

Eleven hours later,an exhausted but thankful Gwyn trudged up the stairs to her loft. She left early today because Merrill traveled to the Winter Court museum for a transaction on a rare artifact. She’d be gone for only a day but it counted as a vacation in Gwyn’s book. Her luck seemed to continue as she found an empty apartment. It was trashed and from the faint odor coming from the kitchen,she was sure they’d left a mess but still….it was empty.

She had to get ready for Nesta’s party so she headed straight to her room. She took another shower and even had time to style her hair into a sleek chignon. She wore a strappy silver gown that hugged her lean frame. She added a pair of heels and some jewelry before locking up her room and flagging a cab to Rita’s.

When she arrived,she was let in immediately and gasped when she saw the transformed club. Somehow Nesta had managed to turn the sexy nightclub into an elegant yet fun environment.

She looked around and spotted her friends standing around. Her friends who also happened to be the most powerful people in the Night Court. The High Lord and Lady,Rhys and Feyre stood with Nesta and Cassian. Cassian was his army general and he was mated to Nesta who was Feyre’s sister. The third sister was away traveling the continent with her mate.

Next to Nesta and Cassian stood Amren and Morrigan,all members of Rhysand’s inner circle. Only one of them was missing and being the workaholic he was,she was sure she wouldn’t see him anytime soon.

Nesta spotted Gwyn and rushed over to hug her.

“You look so beautiful!” Gwyn gushed.

“Cassian picked out my dress.”

Gwyn smiled. “Where’s Emerie?”

“She went to the bathroom after scolding me for changing the venue again. Come on let’s go get you a drink”

“I certainly need it after the day I’ve had” Gwyn muttered.

They walked over to the bar and Nesta signaled the bartender who swiftly prepared two drinks and handed them over. Gwyn and Nesta walked back to join the others. Emerie came over to hug Gwyn and they all launched into conversation. More people started to arrive and Nesta got distracted by all the well wishers. Some people took to the dance floor and soon enough it became a full blown party.

*************

Some hours later,Gwyn was swaying slowly to the music and sipping on a cocktail. All the others were occupied in conversations or were taking a spin on the dance floor. Gwyn had rejected about 14 dance requests already and was currently hiding behind a pillar.

“Nice hiding spot” a quiet voice said into her ear.

Gwyn started smiling even before she turned to see Azriel standing behind her in an all black tailored suit,shadows swirling around him.She could bet her entire jewelry collection that he was coming straight from work.

“I don’t know if you noticed Azriel but it’s a party. You could’ve at least dressed the part”

He chuckled before stepping forward and engulfing her in his arms.

“Where have you been? I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever”

“That’s because you hardly leave your tower”

Azriel was Rhysand’s spymaster and shadowsinger.He was also a literal genius with computers. Combine all that with him being one of the most powerful Illyrians ever and a brutal skill set that made even the most dangerous warriors quiver when they heard his name,it made him a very busy male. If he wasn’t hacking into something he shouldn’t,he was putting his famed knife Truth-Teller to good use against their enemies.

He was also her best friend.

“What was it tonight? Evil overlords threatening the fragile peace in Pythian?”

“I guess we could call Beron an evil overlord” he said with a shrug.

Gwyn laughed and one of his shadows darted out to curl around her hair. She took his hand and led them out of the hidden alcove.

“Come on. You haven’t seen the birthday girl yet”

They headed over to where the others were standing and Azriel hugged and kissed Nesta on the cheek wishing her happy birthday. The party went on into the night and everybody was having fun. Eventually though Gwyn had to leave. Merrill was coming back the next day and she had a ton of work to complete. She found Nesta and Emerie and hugged them.

“I’ll bring your present over tomorrow okay.” She said to Nesta. “I kinda forgot to bring it I left in a rush”

Nesta nodded and Gwyn waved goodbye to Feyre,Mor and Amren. The guys were on the other side of the bar in conversation with Eris. It looked serious so Gwyn left without saying goodbye to them. Nesta’s chauffeur pulled up just as Gwyn came out of the club and she smiled to herself knowing Nesta had called him for her. She got in and the faerie pulled off the curb and headed to her house.

***************

Despite all the fun she’d had,Gwyn was more than ready to jump into bed and get some sleep before morning. Only when she opened the door to her house,a full blown party was going down in her apartment.

Her house was filled with random fae ,wraiths,illyrians and all sorts of people she’d never met. She struggled to find Blair and Daffodil over all the noise but couldn’t see them. The worst part was that in the middle of all the pandemonium,some idiot making out with his girlfriend had knocked down her door and they were on her bed having sex.

Gwyn could barely see through the rage engulfing her as she screamed at them to get the fuck out. They broke apart startled and ran out,the male fae’s pants still hanging around his knees. Why the hell was she saddled with such inconsiderate idiotic people! She could feel the pressure of tears threatening to fall and was desperately trying to keep it together.

She went into the bathroom and called Emerie.

“Hey what’s up!” She shouted still at Nesta’s party.

Gwyn’s said in a shaky voice “You mind if I stay with you tonight?”

“Of course! What’s wrong? Wait hold on let me go to a quieter place!”

Gwyn heard some shuffling and then heard Emeries voice clearly.

“What’s wrong?”

“I came back to my apartment and there’s a fucking rager going on here and they broke into my room and I just feel so fucking violated -“

“Holy shit. I am so sorry Gwyn. I’m gonna come get you okay.”

Gwyn didn’t even notice that she’d started crying but she nodded,then realized Emerie couldn’t see her so she said “Okay. I’ll pack some things before you get here”

“I’ll be there in five okay”

“Okay”

Gwyn got out a small bag and started throwing stuff in. She didn’t know how long she’d stay at Emerie’s but she couldn’t stay here for another second. She’d find someone to winnow her back and forth to work. She was throwing in some underwear when her phone rang again. It was Emerie.

“Hey. Um so slight change of plans. Azriel’s coming to get you”

“Wait what? Why?”

“Well I went back in to get Nesta and when I told her she kind of got angry and told everyone that this had been going on for three weeks now. Azriel well….he left to come get you”

Gwyn let out a sigh. “Okay I’ll see you soon”

“We’ll watch reruns of Real Housewives of Illyria okay”

Gwyn smiled. “Okay”

**************

Gwyn had just finished packing her bag when the entire apartment fell silent. She left her bathroom to the living room and saw the door open,Azriel standing there with the landlord who was barely holding it together at the sight of the shadowsinger. They all knew who he was….what he did.

Azriel eyes slid to hers and he walked over to her.

“You done packing?”

She nodded. He frowned when he saw the tear tracks on her face.

“This is the last time you cry over these fuckers” he muttered before brushing past her to pick up her bag.

He came out and led her to the door. No one had moved. It was as if his presence had frozen them in their spots. She was sure even after he left,the party wouldn’t continue. Blair and Daffodil would probably stay awake all night…knowing they were officially on the Shadowsinger’s radar. It brought a small smile to her face. The landlord scrambled out of the way as they walked past. She heard him gulp nervously.

Azriel led her to where his car was parked. She used to wonder why he had so many cars when he had those magnificent wings but Cassian had told her it was an indulgence for him. He had a fascination with cars and loved to collect them,tear them apart and rebuild them. This one was a sleek black number. How would his wings even fit?

She got her answer when they reached the car and she saw Nuala,one of the wraiths under his employ in the drivers seat. He dropped her luggage in the back and said to the wraith,

“To the Penthouse”

Nuala nodded before driving off.

“Wait. Penthouse? I’m going to Emerie’s”

“No you’re not. You’re moving in with me” he said before gathering her in his arms and taking off.

[just-dreaming-marvel]

Unofficial Fathers

MAIN MASTERLIST

Avengers x Teen!Fem!Reader

Word Count: 5,450ish

Requests: I put two requests together for this one. I hope that it’s okay.

1-What about one with the Avengers and reader (maybe they have super speed???) where the reader is a teenager and super stressed out for whatever reason so the Avengers decide to get them moving by doing something with water (like water guns, balloons, slide, etc) with them. Just like fluff, I think it’d be kinda cute 

2-Can you write an avengers x teen!reader, where she lost function in both of her legs, which makes her really sad and depressed? The others have to help her with everything and she feels bad, so she ends up trying to do things herself, but gets hurt. Maybe steve and tony play a more significant role. Thanks!

Warnings: angst / fluff / paralysis / wishing to have died 

“Hey Speedy!” Tony called over the comms. “You’re up!”

“Finally!” You exclaimed.

The mission had started almost an hour ago, and the plan had been for you to hang out in the quinjet until you were deemed needed. Which annoyed you. Even though you were barely 17, you had been a part of the Avengers for almost 3 years. Longer than even Peter Parker.

Due to some freak accident during the Battle of New York, you somehow ended up with super speed abilities. That’s how Steve and Tony found you almost 3 years old. The two were in the city for meetings and you were zooming around helping people and playing pranks. You thought it would be fun to do something to those two. But before you could do something, Tony and Steve had you pinned to the wall with part of the Iron Man suit. Apparently, their ‘meeting’ was to actually find you and bring you in.

The whole Team was interested in getting to know you very quickly and get you properly trained. Natasha, Clint, Bucky, and Steve handled your combat training personally, while Tony and Bruce tested your abilities and created gear that would help you.

Steve and Tony, though definitely not a couple, took on the role of your parents. You even had begun calling them as such. Steve was Pa and Tony was Dad. They didn’t always agree on exactly how to handle you. But they loved you and that was a step above your real parents, who you didn’t even know.

“Y/N! I need you to get in the building and get anyone and everyone out!” Steve instructed. “As fast as you can! I think the building is going down!”

“You got it Cap!” You responded.

Using your super speed you rushed out of the quinjet and into the building. You zig-zagged through each floor. The first few were empty, but eventually you ran into some people. You quickly helped them out of the building to continue your search. You were almost done with you sweep when you felt the building tremble. You paused, glancing around.

“Kid!” Tony shouted in the comms. “The building is going down. Where are you?”

“Uh… I don’t think you want to know,” you responded.

“Please tell me you’re not still in the building, Y/N,” Steve said.

“I’m sorry, Pa. I’m almost done with my sweep. Just one last floor.”

“No, Y/N! Get out of there now!”

“Just one more floor!” You sped away to get to the last floor.

“I’m on my way to you, Y/N,” Tony said. “Meet me at the Northwest window.”

“Alright. I’m almost—“ 

You suddenly heard a loud cry. You turned to see a little girl huddled up in the corner as the building’s tremor’s worsened. Rushing to the little girl, you barely missed the ceiling caving down and breaking the floor.

“I’m outside the window, kid!” Tony exclaimed. “You need to get here, now!”

“There’s a kid in here!” You retorted, grabbing the little girl. You sped to the window. “You need to take her.” You held her out to Tony. 

“Not without you!”

“Just take her, Dad! Please!”

He quickly took her from your arms. “Don’t do anything! I’ll be right back!”

He flew off and the floor began to crack worse beneath your feet. You knew, even with your super speed, that you wouldn’t be able to make it out of the building without Tony coming for you. When another section of floor collapsed, you knew you needed to get out of there.

“Dad!” You shouted.

“I’m almost there, honey!” He responded. “Just hang on!”

The floor cracked beneath you, sending you falling. You grasped onto the ledge.

“Dad!” You screamed.

“Almost, there—“

“AHHH!”

The building’s roof collapsed, with the rest of the building following. You were pushed down with the debris, screaming.

“Y/N!!!” A multitude of voices screamed over the comms.

But you didn’t hear anything else, because you landed with a thud, hitting your head and blacking out before the rest of the building landed on you.

~~~

“Tony, come take a rest,” Clint urged. “At least drink something.”

You had been stuck under the building for hours at this point, with Tony working non-stop to try and get to you. 

“I can’t,” Tony responded. “My kid’s down there.”

“Scott’s almost here, he’ll shrink down and see what’s going on.”

“I can’t afford to waste a second.”

“Stark, we don’t know if moving any of this will make it worse for her,” Bucky said. “We could just be killing her faster.”

“You don’t think I know that!” Tony spun around. “But she’s the closest thing I have to a daughter! And I’ve already let her down once today.”

“You didn’t let her down.”

“I’m the one who told her to go into the building,” Steve said, everyone able to feel the self blame in his words. “I did this to her.”

“Stop with the blame game here, guys,” Clint interrupted. “Y/N wouldn’t want that. Now, we need—"

“I’m here! I’m here!” Scott yelled, running up with Hope. “Romanoff and Banner got us hooked up to cameras and we brought extra Pym particles so that we can get her out of there.” He briefly made eye contact with Tony and Steve. “We’re going to get her out of there.”

“We’ve got this,” Hope confirmed.

Shrinking, the two quickly got into the rubble. The others rushed over to the screens so that they could hear and see what was going on. It was dusty, that much was clear. But the couple were quick to follow FRIDAY’s leads on where to go. The AI was trying to to its best to sense were you were by heat signatures.

“Miss Y/N should be just below,” the AI informed the two in the debris.

“There she is,” Steve breathed out, seeing your head on the screen. It was clear that blood had been, or still was, coming from somewhere on your head. “Tell us what’s going on guys. What’s her status?”

“She’s breathing,” Hope confirmed. “She’s scratched up, but it looks like the bleeding as stopped.”

“She’s lost quite a bit of blood,” Scott added. He turned, revealing her bottom half, squished under a large piece of cement. “That’s not good.”

“Shit,” Tony whispered. “No.”

“We need to shrink her before the damage gets worse,” Hope said. “Get on the other side of her, Scott.”

“On it,” Scott replied.

“You ready?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Shrink her in 3, 2, 1.” 

Your body was quickly shrunk. Hope and Scott quickly worked together to secure you to Hope.

“Okay, she’s secure,” Scott said. “We’re on our way up.”

“You’re going to want to get everything ready,” Hope warned. “We aren’t going to want to bring her back to normal size without being ready to work.”

“Helen Cho is waiting back at the compound with her team,” Bruce informed. “Natasha and I have the quinjet ready to stabilize her as much as we can on the way.”

“Steve, Tony, you may want to stay away. It’s worse than the camera’s probably caught.”

“Not a chance.” / “Like hell!”

“Hope is right,” Clint said. “Bruce needs to be able to check her out with out you two hovering.” He looked at Bucky, the two seemingly having a silent conversation. They both took a step towards the two other men. “When they bring her out, we can’t have you two going all papa bears.”

“We’re in the quinjet,” Scott informed.

Clint and Bucky were quick. Bucky went for Steve, fighting with him to slow him down. Clint quickly shot an arrow at Tony’s arc reactor, shutting down the suit and effectively locking Tony in it. While that was happening, the others raced to the quinjet, getting it off the ground before the four men could get there.

Scott normalized himself first before helping Hope with herself and Y/N. Natasha and Bruce were waiting, ready to grab you as soon as they could. You were limp in Bruce’s arms, so incredibly so that it scared even the Hulk to his core. He and Natasha worked quickly and efficiently together to do everything they could before getting to the compound.

Back at the site, the four men had slowed down their fighting.

“How could you do that Clint?” Tony asked, clearly hurt as he was able to get his helmet off. “You have kids. You should understand the need to be with them when they’re injured.”

“I do,” Clint replied. “That’s why we knew we needed to stop  the two of you.”

“Whatever happens, it’s going to be hard,” Bucky said. “And they need to be able to fully evaluate her. It was either this or sedation… We’re sorry. We want to be there for her too."

~~~

It was two hours before Cho had finished running all the tests and an hour after that before Tony and Steve could wait at your bedside. You were all bandaged, bruised, and scrapped, but you were alive. That’s all that really matter. The test results had yet to come back, so the men had to try and be patient. You sucked in a breath, alerting the men to the possibility of you waking up.

“Y/N?” Steve softly called. “You there, doll?”

“Pa?” You rasped, head turning towards the sound of his voice while your eyes crept open.

“Hey.” He smiled.

“Hi, kid,” Tony said. 

You turned to look at him. “Dad.”

“How are you feeling?”

“Like I feel a hundred feet and then a building landed on me.”

“We’re not surprised there,” Steve commented.

“Hey, Y/N,” Helen Cho greeted as she walked into the room with her tablet. “How are you doing? Any unusual pain?”

“Well the drugs you’ve given me are trippy,” you replied.

“Drugs?” She repeated concerned, glancing at Tony and Steve.

“Yeah. I can feel my upper half, but my waist and below are completely numb. What did you give me, doc?”

Helen immediately went to work. She tore off the blankets covering your feet and immediately began running her pen up and down them.

“What’s going on?” You asked, trying to sit up.

“Steve, go get Bruce,” Helen ordered. Steve nodded and rushed out.

You looked at Tony. “Dad? What’s going on?”

“I-I— oh my gosh,” Tony stammered, hand covering his mouth. 

“Dad!”

“We didn’t give you any pain meds, Y/N,” Helen stated.

“What?”

“We wanted to see if there was any damage done, so we didn’t want the pain meds getting in the way.”

“So… I—I… I can’t…” You began hyperventilating. “I…”

“Honey, lay down,” Tony urged, gently pushing you onto the bed. “Breathe.”

“I’m here!” Bruce said, hurrying in with Steve. “We need to get her into the scanner and compare it to the other tests we’ve taken.” 

Helen quickly went to the head of your bed, unlocking the wheels. All of this was scaring you.

“Dad?” You looked at Tony, teary eyed, before looking at Steve. “Pa?” They both grasped one of your hands.

“We’re right here,” Steve said, bringing your hand up for a kiss as Helen and Bruce began to wheel you away.

“You both need to stay here, while we run the scans,” Bruce said.

“No! Please!” You pled, crying.

“I’ll be with you, Y/N. Tony and Steve just need to stay here.”

Bruce and Helen pushed you away as you begged and cried out for Steve and Tony. The rest of the Team rushed into the hallway to see what was happening. They witnessed you being pushed down the hall.

“What the hell is going on?” Sam asked, looking into the room where Tony and Steve had been left. Both men looked distraught, and absolutely heartbroken.

“Steve?” Bucky questioned.

“She… She… I…” Steve couldn’t pull his thoughts together.

“Tony?” Natasha questioned. 

The man fell back into a chair, burying his head in his hands. “She couldn’t feel her legs,” Tony whispered. “She couldn’t feel her legs.”

“She thought they had given her pain killers,” Steve continued, whispering as well.

“Steve, sit down,” Bucky said, moving to help his friend. “You look like you could pass out.”

“I might… she couldn’t feel her legs…”

“She’s going to be alright,” Sam said. “Y/N’s a fighter.”

“Yeah, but… she couldn’t feel her legs…”

~~~

After getting you into the scanner, Bruce and Helen actually gave you drugs to help you calm down. You were asleep almost as soon as they were injected. The two doctors worked together to look over each scan and previously done test. Only to reach the same conclusion each time. You were paralyzed. This brought on a multitude of worries, but the biggest one had to do with your abilities. Would you ever be able to use them again? 

After finding out about the diagnosis, it was the first question to leave Tony’s lips. Tony and Steve were standing outside your med-bay room, Helen and Bruce in front of them. The two doctors sighed, glancing at one another.

“No,” Bruce answered. “She wouldn’t be able to use her abilities again.”

What they didn’t know was that you had woken up just in time to hear Tony ask the question and Bruce answer it. Covering your mouth, you squeezed your eyes shut and tried to stop from sobbing.

“She’s going to need help with everything, especially right now,” Helen continued for Bruce. “She’s going to need to be looked after. And I—“

“We’ll do it,” Steve replied, firmly. “We’re her family, we’ll take care of her.”

“I know that you two—this whole team, sees her as family. But this is going to be a long, hard road.”

“What are you saying?” Tony asked. “That we send her away? She’s almost 17! Who would be willing to adopt her at that age? Especially when we are her family!” He motioned between himself and Steve. “We are her fathers!”

“I understand, Tony. But you need to be prepared. She’s going to need help with the little everyday things. Bathing, getting changed, going to the bathroom. Somebody’s going to need to help her with it.”

“We will,” Steve repeated, still as firm as before. “Whatever she needs, for as long as she needs it. Whether it’s officially legal or not, she is our daughter and we will help her through it all.”

“I can make her braces,” Tony said. “Just like I did with Rhodes.”

“We actually believe that it would be more valuable if she learns to live with a wheelchair first,” Bruce responded. “Just in case anything were to happen with the braces, that she wouldn’t be completely helpless.”

“I agree with Bruce on this one,” Steve said. “She needs to be able to live in a wheelchair before she tries braces.” 

“We will have her in physical and occupational therapy such, so she doesn’t lose all the muscles in her legs.”

Just then, Wanda rushed passed them, heading for your door. “Wanda?” Steve questioned. “What’s going on?”

“The pain,” Wanda replied. “She’s in so much pain.”

Following Wanda into the room, they witnessed you trying to control your emotions. Though it was clear you were upset. Tony and Steve rushed to either side of you.

“It’s okay, honey,” Tony whispered, wiping tears off your cheeks. “It’s okay.”

“N-no…” you rasped, shaking your head. “It’s… n-not…”

“Did you hear what we were talking about?” Steve asked. You nodded. “I’m so sorry, doll. You shouldn’t have had to find out that way.”

You couldn’t stop the sobs at this point. You had just gotten the worse news you could have imagined. You were paralyzed and know unable to use your abilities. In your mind, you were basically useless. 

Steve quickly got into bed with you, pulling you into his arms. As he cradled you, he tried to get you to calm down. He glanced around worriedly at everyone else in the room, who didn’t know how to help.

~~~

“You need to eat, Y/N,” Tony pressed, trying to hand you a plate again. 

“I’m not hungry,” you replied, voice void of all emotion.

You had fallen asleep in Steve’s arms, where the two of you stayed until morning. Tony brought in breakfast while Steve went to get ready for the day.

“You need to eat,” he said again.

“I said, I’m not hungry,” you repeated.

Tony sighed, seating the plate down. “Do you not like waffles? I can have Happy go get something else. A burger? Fries? Ice cream?”

“I want my legs back.”

“Kid—“

“Don’t try to make me feel better about this. You have no understanding about how I am feeling.”

“I wasn’t trying to. I just—“

“Can you leave me alone? I want to be alone.”

Tony knew that you just needed a moment. So without responding, he got up and left, closing the door behind him. He leaned against the wall next to it, running a hand down his face. The guilt he was feeling was real. If only he had grabbed you and the kid, or if he had just flown faster.

“You’re going there too?” Steve asked, coming up to lean on the wall across from Tony. 

“The guilt is real,” Tony responded.

“Yeah… I shouldn’t have had her go into the building. What was I thinking?”

“I shouldn’t have let her convince me to take the kid… but, I guess, feeling this way won’t do her any good now, will it?”

“No, unfortunately, it won’t.” Steve looked at the closed door. “How is she?”

“She refused to eat… I’m thinking about having Happy get all her favorite foods for lunch.”

“Good idea. Maybe we could even try the wheelchair out and bring her to the common area.”

“I like it.”

“I’ll let everyone know about it.”

“Yeah, I—“

“Excuse me, Boss, Captain,” FRIDAY interrupted. “But Y/N is in need of immediate assistance.”

~~~

After Tony left, you huffed. This was miserable. You didn’t want to be stuck in this bed. And, honestly, the longer you sat there, the more you needed to go to the bathroom. You just didn’t want to ask for help, you didn’t want that to be your life. Studying the distance between your bed and the toilet for a few moments, you decided to get there yourself. Besides, they hadn’t tried to stand you up and get you to walk, maybe this was all one big cruel joke.

Taking a deep breath, you flung your covers off. You pushed yourself towards the edge of the bed, helping your legs to rest over it. Other deep breath in and you pushed yourself off the bed, trying to stand. You immediately fell. Trying to brace yourself, you landed on your hands. One of your wrists cracked, failing to break your fall. In the midst of the struggle, your bladder decided to let loose, causing you to lay in a pool of your own pee. You clutched your wrist close to your chest as your door burst open, revealing two extremely worried men. You looked at them, with tears cascading down your cheeks.

“I’m so sorry,” you said. “I just wanted to do something by myself.” They looked at you with complete pity, which you absolutely hated.

“It’s okay,” Steve said, getting on the floor beside you, minding the puddle. He noticed your wrist. “Did you hurt yourself?”

You nodded. “I’m sorry.”

“I’ll go run and get you clothes, sweetheart,” Tony said. “Steve will help you into the shower. It’s all going to be okay.” He rushed out.

“No it won’t,” you whispered as Steve scooped you up into his arms. “It will never be again.”

And Steve thought his heart couldn’t shatter more than it already had. As he lifted you, he could practically feel the weight that this was having on you. You wouldn’t look at him as he took you into the bathroom and set you on the shower floor.

“Can I help you undress?” Steve asked.

You inhaled sharply, closing your eyes. This was your life now. Though you could undress yourself, you would always need help, basically be waited on all the time.

“If you want, I can go grab Natasha,” Steve suggested. “Or Wanda. Or, Pepper might even be in today. You love Pepper.”

“I want to be alone,” you mumbled.

“Y/N, I just want to help. Just let me help.”

“And I just want to be alone.” Tears were still falling, though you couldn’t understand how.

“Y/N—“

“Just leave me alone!” You shouted, pushing yourself into the corner.

“What’s going on in here?” Tony asked, bringing in the clothes with Pepper following.

“Leave me alone!”

“Why don’t you guys wait outside?” Pepper suggested. “I’ll help Y/N.”

Steve sighed, straightened up from his kneeled position and hurrying out of there. Tony looked at you sadly before taking his leave. Pepper shut the door and came to your side.

“What do you want me to do?” She asked softly.

“I want to be left alone,” you responded, frustrated and not willing to look her way.

“That’s not going to happen and you know it, Tony and Steve won’t allow it. Those men out there care about you and are so extremely worried. All they want to do is help.”

“I don’t care.”

She let out a small sigh. “Will you at least let me help? We need to get you out of those clothes and washed up. Especially since that wrist needs to get checked out.”

After a moment, you gave in and looked at her. “Okay.”

Pepper smiled at you briefly. “Okay.”

~~~

Apparently, there was already a hairline fracture in your wrist because of the accident. Your fall off the bed didn’t do anything to help it. You had willingly let Pepper help you clean up, but other than that you were still fighting asking for help.

The Team had tried to lift your spirits at lunch out in the common area, but to no avail. After that, you were taken to your regular room, where a twin bed had been added.

“What’s that?” You asked, you hadn’t spoken since the bathroom. 

“Someone is going to stay in here with you until things start becoming normal again,” Steve replied, pushing the wheelchair further into the room. 

“Normal,” you scoffed.

“Buck and I were thinking we could have a movie night today. Maybe try and watch all of the—“

“I just want to sleep.”

“That’s okay too.”

“I would be here too kid,” Tony added, “but Pep and I are working out somethings with the physical therapist.”

“What’s the point of physical therapy? My legs don’t work.”

“It’s to keep your muscles, so that one day you can get braces.”

You nodded, glancing around until you were staring at your tennis shoes on the floor. They were brand new, Stark designed shoes. They were meant to not wear as fast because of your speeding abilities. Your speeding abilities that you could no longer access.

“Can you do something with those?” You asked, pointing at them. 

Both Tony and Steve looked over. They got a tad deflated after remembering how excited you had been about those shoes.

“Yeah, sure, kid,” Tony responded, grabbing them. “I’ll just put them up in your closet. We can—“

“No,” you interrupted. “I want them gone.”

“Y/N—“

“I don’t need any reminders of what I’m now unable to do.”

“Sweetheart,” Tony got down in front of you, “you can still, or will be able to, do a lot. You got lucky.” He immediately regretted his last sentence, even Steve flinch.

“I got lucky? I. Got. Lucky?”

“Y/N, that’s not what—“

“Get the hell out!”

“Hey, that’s not how you talk to your—“

“My what? Father?! Cause you aren’t, remember? Maybe you should take Helen’s advice and give me away! Might make it easier on everyone!”

“You are my daughter, damn it! Whether it’s official or not, or by blood!”

“Y/N, Tony—“ Steve tried to interrupt. 

“No! I actually will say that you got lucky. You did because you have people willing to help you, willing to support you.”

“Well stop!” You shouted back. “Have you ever thought that I don’t want any of your help?! Maybe I think that you should have just left me down there to die! It would have been better that way! I’m basically useless like this!”

“Enough!” Bucky yelled, barging in with Nat. “Steve, Tony, out.”

With a glare sent their way from Nat, the two men didn’t even argue. You were refusing to look at Bucky and Nat. Half embarrassed that you said those things to the men you considered your dads, and half embarrassed that you were believing the terrible thoughts your mind was taunting you with.

Bucky and Natasha looked at each other, unsure of what exactly to do. You let them help you into bed before they left you alone, leaving with a promise to bring food later. 

In the loneliness of your bedroom, you let your thoughts consume you. How you were now useless as an Avenger without being able to have super speed. How you wished they would have just let you die. How you wish they wouldn’t be so helpful, it was driving you crazy. How you really didn’t have any family, you were all alone.

~~~

To respect your boundaries, Tony and Steve decided to let the others help them. No matter how hard it was. It hurt them to see you struggling through everything and not rush to your side. Not that you would let them help, you weren’t letting anyone without putting up a fight.

Steve and Tony had had many talks since they realized you were wishing that you had just died. Tony had made sure that FRIDAY had surveillance on you 24/7 and the Team, besides Tony and Steve, were switching sleeping in your room every night. 

It wasn’t easy on anyone, especially since you were having nightmares about being stuck down in the debris. Someone would wake you from the dream, only to be quickly shut out. The terrors would leave you trembling, sweating, and in a state of panic. But, with you not willing to let people help, the others were forced to watch you struggle with this.

Physical and occupational therapy was a whole other issue. You were rude to the therapists and unwilling to do anything. As the weeks went by, the Team could see the affect it was happening on your legs and they were concerned. Steve and Tony would watch each session from above, angry at the whole situation.

It had been two months since the whole incident, and you still weren’t showing any signs of changing your attitude any time soon.

“Come on, Y/N,” your therapist sighed. “What I’m asking you to do isn’t all that hard. I’m going to do all the work.”

“No,” you stated, determined.

“Y/N—“

“Why don’t you go help someone who’s more able to do things? Maybe someone who will actually get better. I’m sure they’d love your help."

“I can’t watch this anymore,” Tony said to Steve, watching from above. “She’s hurting herself.”

“You know we can’t force her to do anything, Tony,” Steve replied. “We have to let her do this on her own.”

“No, we don’t.” Tony turned around and headed for the room you were currently in.

“Tony! What are you going to do?”

“Use the hate she is harboring towards what happened, towards us, for her benefit.”

Tony burst into the room, causing you and the therapist to jump. You furrowed your brows, confused at what Tony and Steve could possibly be doing here.

“Hand me your leg, Y/N,” Tony demanded.

“What? No,” you responded.

“Hand me your damn leg!”

“No!”

“Fine!” Tony marched over and picked you up from your wheelchair.

“Put me down!” You tried to push off Tony. “Let me go!”

“Tony!” Steve called. “What are you doing?”

“It’s time for some tough love,” Tony responded. He set you down, not gently, on a therapy table. He grabbed your leg and began doing the exercises.

“Let go of me!” You demanded, trying to reach and pry him away, but failing. 

“No! Don’t you see what you are doing to yourself? What you’re doing to those around you?! You are miserable and you are making others miserable! Yes, what happened to you was absolute shit. Trust me, Steve and I will have that guilt with us for the rest of our lives. But it’s up to you to decide how to come out of this. You ever fight to live, fight to find the new normal, or you let yourself whither away. And I’m not about to let that last one happen.”

“You may think you’re alone in this, but you aren’t,” Tony continued. “Steve and I, the Team, we all want to help you through this. Even if that means sticking with you for life.”

During Tony’s whole thing, you had began crying. He was right, you were making yourself and everyone around you miserable.

“I’m sorry,” you cried out. “I’m so sorry… I just… I just wish…”

“I know, honey, I know,” Tony said, moving to pull you into his chest. You melted into him, crying. He placed a kiss on your head. “I’ve got you… I’ve got you.”

“Don’t leave me, Dad.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

Steve came over and grabbed one of your hands, gently kissing it. You gave his hand a squeeze.

“I’m sorry, Pa,” you croaked.

“It’s okay,” Steve replied with a tiny smile. “No need to apologize. Just please don’t say that you would have rather died again. I don’t think I could take it if you did.”

“If I died or said it again?”

“Both.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I know.”

“Will you guys… uh, will you guys help me with my exercises?”

“Of course, honey,” Tony replied. “But maybe Steve should do the other leg, because I think I wore myself out.”

Steve stood. “I’ll exercise that leg better than you could, Stark,” he commented.

“Oh, you’re on, Rogers.” Tony swiftly stood up.

“Great,” you muttered. “Now this is going to be a thing.”

~~~

Now that you were accepting help, things were beginning to look up again. Not that things weren’t hard, but they were better and you could handle it all better. The Team had decided to celebrate, but wouldn’t tell you how. Wheeling your wheelchair into the common area, you found it pitch black.

“FRIDAY,” you called out to the AI, “can I get some lights?”

“Of course,” the AI responded.

The lights came on and suddenly you were being pelted with water from squirt guns. The Team came out of their hiding spots, laughing, as they continued to fire at you.

“Guys!” You squealed, trying to shield yourself. “Guys! St-stop!”

“Never!” Sam exclaimed as he made his way closer to you.

“Here,” Peter said, lowering himself from the ceiling. “Take this.” He offered you a large gun. “Save yourself.”

You laughed as you began to fight back. Suddenly, you were pulled backwards by both Steve and Tony, who were trying to use you and the chair as protection.

“They’ve turned against us!” Tony exclaimed.

“Help us, Y/N!” Steve added.

You couldn’t stop laughing as you, Tony and Steve worked together to try and defeat the others. The Team couldn’t stop smiling as they watched you act so happy. It was so refreshing. After the common room was all but turned into a pool, the Team decided to change and then meet down in the movie room to relax for the night. When Y/N had arrived down there, Tony and Steve had saved a place between them.

“Can I help you onto the couch?” Steve asked.

You responded with a nod and let Steve pick you up, wrapping your arms around his neck. He carefully guided you through the maze of lodging teammates to the spot him and Tony had chosen on the couch.

“Thanks Pa,” you said as he set you down. You pulled your legs up close to you.

“Not a problem,” he smiled, sitting down beside you.

Tony spread a blanket over you guys. “Thanks, Dad.”

“Of course,” Tony responded, leaving a little kiss on your forehead.

You curled up against Tony as Steve moved your legs to rest over his lap, allowing him to massage them. FRIDAY quickly turned on your favorite movie. You glanced around, taking in everyone around you, and you couldn’t be more grateful. Though your life was going to continue to have its challenges, you were glad you had found this family.

Part 2