#but if you’re gonna come onto my post where I specifically asked for no religious discourse

[jaeheewillalwaysbemyfav]

…and I thought the issue I’d run into with my theory posts was that someone would get mad that I lowkey called god an abuser lmao

[telehxhtrash]

A masterpost on Togashi’s gay subtext and why it’s intentional.

Hi ! After seeing so many posts about Togashi dropping subtext about Killua's possible romantic feelings for Gon, I thought it'd be a good idea to make a sort of "masterpost" with all the subtext that Togashi has included into his work.

I usually see a lot of people trying to say that HxH isn't about romance and that Togashi isn't interested in writing romance into the manga, but when you analyze all the subtext that's been going on the further Gon and Killua's relationship progresses, I think it's incorrect to say that Togashi has never hinted at the possibility of romance in HxH.

This is going to be a long post, enjoy your read!

Also, please note that I will only base this analysis on the manga, so there can be no mistake that "maybe this is just something the anime made gayer" : i want to prove that the subtext is 100% intentional on Togashi's part.

I'd also like to mention, although I will analyze it further after listing the subtext, that Togashi is a VERY smart man. There are always little details in the story and/or foreshadowing that are easily missed at first but when you notice them, it truly makes you understand how much attention and care Togashi puts into his work. There are countless details and symbolism that are analyzed daily through wonderful meta posts, from the main 4′s birthdays and their link to their character or the religious symbolism in Kurapika’s story arc.... Togashi loves to foreshadow and plant little details into his work, so when Togashi plants subtext, I'm sure he 100% knows that he's writing it, and it can't be seen as unintentional.

I'll also link all my references for this post at the end of it, so feel free to read all the additional textposts and content if you want to know more.

Well, let's get into it!

EDIT : i can’t believe this post is still being used as a reference it makes me so happy... thank you so much !!! i edited this to tweak it a bit because i wrote this a while ago and the phrasing seemed off to me, so if you’re reading or re-reading this post, hi, welcome to masterpost on gay subtext 2.0 !

GREED ISLAND ARC

Greed Island is to me the arc that lays down the nature of Killua and Gon's relationship. It's during this arc that we get to see a bit more of what Killua thinks, how he's lucky to have met Gon and that he feels really grateful. Gon’s behavior in this arc is also very affectionate, with him always reassuring Killua about his place next to him. While the scene where Killua thinks "You've got it backwards, Gon, I'm the one that's glad I met you." can't be considered as subtext, I think it's something that lets the reader know a bit more about how Killua feels towards Gon. 

But other than this scene, which can clearly be dismissed as platonic, there are 2 more moments in the Greed Island arc that are layered in subtext.

• The Rainbow Diamond (chapter 151)

During their time in Dorias, Killua uses Risky Dice to gain cards from the slot machines. The first card that Killua gains is called "Rainbow Diamond", the description of the card being "A diamond that shines in a rainbow of colors. Propose with this diamond and she is guaranteed to say "yes"". 

There are 3 different things we can take from this panel. First, the card is a marriage proposal card, so it's obviously romantic in nature. Second, the object is a RAINBOW diamond. And third, Killua, wanting to keep the card safe, gifts it to Gon.

In short, Togashi sat down at his desk, decided to draw Killua winning a MARRIAGE PROPOSAL CARD (it could've been any card, but Togashi CHOSE to make Killua win a marriage proposal card) that has a RAINBOW diamond on it and made Killua gift it to Gon. 

While I personally don't think that subtext can be used to 100% ascert that Killua has romantic feelings for Gon, I think it's a funny little touch from Togashi, and I'm even gonna say a sort of hint towards how Killua's feelings for Gon are going to evolve in this arc and the next.

• “It has to be Killua” (chapter 166)

Now this is a scene that I've never seen anyone talk about, at least on Tumblr, but when I read a bit of analysis on it I was 100% convinced this was intentional subtext. I'm basically quoting here what this article explains, so if you want more detail, I recommend reading it.

As you probably recall, during their deadly dodgeball game against Razor, Killua decides to sacrifice his hands to ensure that Gon could use all his strength. When confronted about it, Killua insists that it's nothing, and Gon shocks him by saying that he knew all along that he was hurting himself for his sake. 

Gon then says that it can only be Killua holding the ball, and that it has to be Killua, resulting in Killua being absolutely awestruck and embarassed. I'm also going to talk about the anime adaptation for this one, because it's perfectly executed and translates extremely well the nuance that the second sentence bears. If you want to rewatch it, this scene happens in episode 70. It's worth noting that in the anime, we see Killua not reacting to Gon's first sentence, but losing his composure entirely when Gon says the second sentence. But why ?

The reason was lost in translation. His exact words are "Booru wa Killua ga motte-kurenai to. Killua ja nakya dame nan da.". Both sentences basically say the same thing : It has to be Killua holding the ball. That second sentence can be translated literally as "If it's not Killua, that won't do." However, the second sentence, in a different context, can also be used to say a totally different thing. 

While it's certain that Gon used this sentence in the context of the dodgeball match, the sentence "~ja nakya dame nan da" also serves as a confession of one's feelings in japanese. It's basically the equivalent to "you're the one for me". When you google the sentence, it turns up romantic songs, forum posts asking what it would translate to in English and posts on how to confess to someone. 

The sentence basically drowns in romantic subtext. As mentioned before, Killua has no reaction to the first sentence "Booru wa Killua ga motte-kurenai to.", but loses his composure at the second one, and I think that was a very deliberate thing Togashi wanted to convey : this sentence has an additional layer, and clearly Killua is taking it to heart.

I will come back to this specific subtext in a bit, because we can parallel it with another subtext-y situation, so please keep it in mind for now.

CHIMERA ANT ARC

Now onto the sad gay arc! This arc is so RIDDLED in subtext and parallels that it's making me lose my mind.

• Gon, you are light. (chapter 199)

This scene is just... So romantic in nature. I’m not too objective on this, but I really do believe that this moment is the exact moment Killua fell in love with Gon and started to realize he felt a bit more than friendship towards him. It’s Killua respecting Gon for who he is, realizing that he’s light and he’s always been, he’s the one who saved him and who’s always been so bright and optimistic and always makes the best out of any situation. In this scene, Killua lets himself drown in Gon’s light, allows himself to feel this “wow” moment of pure admiration and love, and it’s absolutely beautiful.

It's extremely important to take the context of this scene into account. What happened is that Killua, who has been struggling mentally for the entire series with the fact that he's always running away, ran away once more, leaving Kite to die with Pitou. This ENTIRE chapter is literally adults absolutely DESTROYING Killua, first Kite's troupe bashing him for leaving Kite behind, and then Netero, Morel and Knov coming in like icing on the cake telling Killua that "After all, he's just a kid", and that he should hurry up to his mommy. 

Killua is beating himself up for running away again, got destroyed by Kite's team and 3 extremely strong pro hunters. His morale is down in the drains right now. He expects Gon to be mad at him for betraying Kite, for running away once again, for leaving Kite to die alone and ripping Gon away from Kite : he expects that he'll lose Gon for his cowardice.

HOWEVER, the first thing that Gon says to Killua after having been passed out for god knows how many hours is "Thank you". 

Gon woke up and instantly eased up all of Killua's fears : he wasn't a loser for running away, and Gon was actually thankful for him. Gon, at this moment, was the only one that showed kindness, understanding and gratefulness towards Killua. Gon even goes so far as saying that he knows that Kite isn't dead, and that they have to help him. At this instant, Gon is truly Killua's saving grace. He's the one that trusts him with his entire heart, and believes in his choices when even he can't believe in himself. Gon is truly Killua's light at this precise moment, because he was the only one who supported him, trusted him and reassured him in this awful situation.

How can someone shine so bright in such a terrible situation ? How can someone be so positive that nothing bad will happen ? 

Gon asserting all of this makes Killua respect him a lot. Keep this word in mind, because it’s going to be important in the next piece of subtext I’m analyzing, because those two scenes canonically follow each other and are basically Togashi highlighting that something special happened when Killua called Gon his light, and that his feelings deepened.

• Introduction to Palm's character (chapter 200)

This piece of subtext is very very easy to miss but it's one of the most important subtext-y scene, because coupled with the “Gon, you are light” scene, it’s very clear that this dialogue is deliberately highlighting Killua’s feelings.

This chapter introduces Palm's character (which, imo, is a character introduced for the sole intent of being a catalyst to Killua's feelings towards Gon, but I'll talk about it in my post talking about the CAA parallels) - edit: i talked about this briefly here.

So, Killua having looked into Gon's eyes for like 10min straight and concluded that Gon was the light of his life a chapter ago, is now chilling with Gon as they meet Palm. 

Palm takes them to a café and STRAIGHT OFF THE BAT harasses them about how much she's in love with Knov. Like when I say harassing, it's literally a whole page of her explaining her feelings towards Knov. 

There are two interesting things that can be drawn from this interaction.

First, it's extremely easy to draw parallels between Palm's situation towards Knov and Killua's situation towards Gon. Palm starts by saying how amazing her master is, that she probably has special feelings for him but the most important thing is to respect the other person. Remember how I talked about how this last scene was Killua having a surge of deep, deep respect for Gon ? Palm makes sure to highlight that special word, that it’s important to respect someone when it comes to love.

She then goes on to say that she hasn't said anything to Knov, and never will. All of this adds nothing to the story, it's empty dialogue, Togashi could've introduced Palm in virtually any other way possible, but he chose to drag her and the gay duo to a café and make her have a monologue about love RIGHT after the extremely emotional panel of Killua declaring that Gon is his light just a chapter ago.

But there's more. Not only does Palm monologue for a while about love, but after finishing her monologue, this happens :

This panel features ONLY Palm and Killua, her looking at him like the psycho she is, and straight up telling him that "love can suddenly spark out of nowhere, don't you think so?". 

What's so interesting about this is the fact that Togashi made the deliberate choice to have Palm say this to Killua and Killua ONLY, which after the gay existential crisis he had last chapter, can very much be applied to his situation. Love DID spark out of nowhere, and Togashi wants you to notice. Togashi could've made Palm say this to herself, with no distinct listener like the last panel, but he made the conscious choice to draw this panel with Palm adressing herself to Killua SPECIFICALLY. 

Those two pieces of subtext, that fit perfectly together, make me believe 100% that Togashi knows what he's doing and he's not unintentionally planting gay subtext in his work. The fact that Togashi sat at his desk, drew Killua calling Gon his light, and then followed this scene with the introduction to a character who picks Killua apart to tell him that "love is something that just happens, don't you think?" is 100% proof that Togashi knows what he's doing.

• Date with Palm (chapters 217 and 218)

I think this situation has many layers, but many people still dismiss it as bro behavior so I'm gonna try my best to counter argue. First of all, and although that's not proof of anything, Killua looks EXTREMELY distressed by the prospect of Gon going on a date with Palm, but that can be counter-argued by saying that Killua is just worried because Palm is completely crazy. 

What I want to talk about is the scene that happens right after, when Gon and Killua go to the gym (because theyre DUDES YEAH WE WORK OUT NO HOMO), and the conversation casually drifts to Killua asking Gon if he's ever been on a date before, valid question considering what just happened previously. There are multiple things here :

1) Killua seems distressed that Gon has been on dates before. While it can be argued that it's a normal reaction because Gon has and he hasn't, I believe that Killua - who is in no way a normal person who would get flustered about "not having been on dates before a certain age" - would not feel uncomfortable that his friend is more experienced than him - especially when literal seconds later, he monologues about how he doesn’t care about dates and just wants to stick with Gon.

2) Gon then proceeds to ask Killua if he's ever been on a date, to which Killua responds :

What I want to highlight is the panel where Killua says "And the truth is, I want to stay by your side... Always...". Basically, what Killua is saying, is that he doesn't care about dates, all he wants to do is be with Gon.

I don't think this can be counter-argued as bro behavior, but with all the subtext I've explained before, this right here is pretty gay. Togashi put this panel deliberately to show that Killua doesn't give a crap about dates when he can stay with Gon, and with the "gon you are light" scene and everything in mind, this is another intentional subtext.

There's also the fact that Killua stalks the date like a jealous girlfriend - but I'm not gonna count that as subtext because it can be argued that he's just worried about Gon because Palm is insane.

• Gon is my best friend ! (chapter 219)

Remember how I told you to keep the "It has to be Killua" subtext in mind because I was gonna come back to it later ? Well.

During Palm's date with Gon, Killua runs into Rammot, who would definitely have ran into Palm and nenless Gon. Killua is forced to confront his worst fear : this is the moment where he knows that if he runs away again, Gon WILL die. Killua is literally overcoming his "programming", the physical representation of years of abuse out of love and care for Gon. He's ripping out the needle from his forehead out of pure, genuine care for Gon, because if he doesn't, then he'll lose him forever. 

Now, what I actually wanna talk about is this panel :

What we see is Killua thinking happy thoughts about all his adventures with Gon because he can't - won't - doesn't want to run away anymore, and all this for his sake. But what I wanna draw attention to is the dodgeball panel that's bigger than all the others, and the only one where you can actually clearly make out what's written : "Killua ja nakya dame nan da". 

Now, isn't that interesting that the panel that takes a bigger place in the whole panel is the one with this particular sentence? Remember what I talked about a bit earlier, about how "~ ja nakya dame nan da" is a sentence with a lot of romantic connotations (would pretty much equal to "you're the one for me" in English). Clearly this particular sentence stuck with Killua. 

I'm not completely objective on this matter since I firmly believe that at this point, Killua has romantic feelings for Gon, but I interpret this as another deliberate thing Togashi did : putting the panel bigger so we can see that it has a particularly significant importance to Killua, and Killua's state of mind right now (not wanting to lose Gon). 

In my opinion, two things happened here: One, Killua remembers this specific interaction because he knows how much Gon trusts him and he doesn't want to betray his trust. But I also firmly believe that Killua remembered this specific interaction because of the romantic connotation the sentence "Killua ja nakya dame nan da" has. Those words clearly shocked him, and I think he remembers them in this life-threatening situation, after the "gon you are light" scene, Palm talking about "love just happens", the "i want to stay with you, always" because he realizes that he wishes Gon would say that sentence in a romantic context, and not in the context of the dodgeball match, thus leading him to surpass himself to prove his love and perhaps live to see the day where Gon could say those words in that romantic context.

Now, of course, all of this is my interpretation, so it's really up to debate, but I really wanna highlight the fact that Togashi deliberately CHOSE to highlight this particular interaction between Gon and Killua, this sentence with romantic subtext, to lead Killua to finally break his chains and be able to be protect Gon fully. It’s also interesting to note that the 2011 anime adaptation also makes it a point to emphasize how deep these words stuck to Killua by making it the last flashback that makes Killua effectively rip out the needle out of his head. 

Also let's quickly mention the irony in the situation here : while Gon is on a romantic date, Killua fights to protect him, overcoming his weakness to prove his love. It’s not Palm who deserves that date, it’s Killua.

• A lovers’ suicide (chapter 286)

Now, onto the most important piece of subtext, that can not be counterargued as platonic in any way, shape or form. During the palace invasion, Killua leaves Gon's side, proceeds to go kick Youpi's butt only to have to fall back because he used up all his electricity nen. When Killua is charging up, he meets with Meleoron, and tells him that once he's done charging, he'll go back to Gon's side. 

They briefly exchange information about the battle, and then Meleoron proceeds to ask Killua what's the plan for him and Gon. That's when Killua explains that "Once Gon is like this, he won't budge an inch. Worst case scenario, it'll be a double suicide.". At worst they both die, cool. They “go down in flames together”. It’s actually much, much more meaningful than that.

The specific word that Killua uses for double suicide is "心中" (shinjuu), which is a heavily romantically connotated word in japanese. Shinjuu, also translated as "lovers’ suicide", is when two people die out of love, by the same method, because there's a belief that this'll allow those two people to spend eternity together. Shinjuu is a major theme of Japanese literature, and it is always used romantically. It's a very uncommon word to use to refer to two people dying together, because of its heavy romantic connotation, and because it always refers to double suicide committed by people bound by love. In literature, it always refers to two lovers, in love. If you want to read more on shinjuu, i suggest this and this, those articles explain its historic roots and the definition, also emphasizing the feeling of "oneness" that characterizes shinjuu. If you’re interested, I also suggest reading the japanese article that defines shinjuu, and hitting the google translate button, it has some pretty interesting sentences like “Shinjuu is traditionally committed by men and women out of mutual love, in the hope that they will be connected in the afterlife because they can't be together in this world.”

So basically, what Killua is saying is that he wants to go back to Gon's side to die with him, committing a "lovers’ suicide" because he doesn't want to leave Gon to die alone, and wants to die with him.

I also want to emphasize how special this word is to Killua, and that he and everyone around him know the special meaning of this word - In chapter 300, Ikalgo literally says "We were... No, KILLUA was ready to commit shinjuu with Gon". Ikalgo is really highlighting the fact that this word holds special meaning, especially to Killua, and that it was HIM who was willing to commit shinjuu by staying with Gon. Ikalgo and company dying with Gon wouldn't be shinjuu, but Killua dying with Gon would be, and Togashi emphasizes this through Ikalgo's thoughts.

This is pretty much the gist of it, but I suggest reading the wonderful post I linked in the references below if you want to know more about this specific subtext.

(edit : i actually wrote a post going a bit more into detail on Killua’s shinjuu wish if you want to read it here ! :3)

• “The one that Gon needs the most is you” (chapter 294)

I will go into this subtext more in details when I write the post about parallels in CAA, but I still want to talk about it briefly here.

Like I said before, to me, Palm was introduced as a catalyst for Killua's feelings towards Gon. Togashi purposefully wrote Palm as having romantic feelings for Gon to foil Killua's feelings for Gon and make him show jealousy towards Palm. 

To Killua, Palm is someone who stole Gon from him, he sees her as a threat because maybe she'll make Gon happier than he does ? (ofc we all know thats not true but Killua is baby) - Basically, Killua thinks Palm might be more important to Gon than Killua is, because he believes they are romantically involved. That's why when he sees her again later on, after Gon rejected his help, leaving Killua helpess as to how to save his dear friend, Killua sees Palm as a saving grace. 

He knows that if Gon sees Palm as a chimera ant, he will spiral down even more, so he tries to reason with her to get her to be gentle to Gon, because if not her, then who could? Palm would clearly be able to comfort Gon, with whom Killua believes is romantically involved with, better than him, right ? If Gon rejected Killua, then clearly Palm could help, since she seems closer to Gon (BECAUSE HE BELIEVES THEYRE DATING), right? 

This confrontation between Palm and Killua closely ressembles a situation like an ex confronting a new girlfriend - and I think this is exactly why Togashi wrote Palm this way. He wanted Killua to confront who he thought was a threat to their relationship, making him believe that this person who's """"dating"""” Gon is more important to him than himself, only to have her openly admit that she means nothing to Gon. The only one Gon needs is Killua.

And that, my friends, coming from someone you believe is romantically involved with your best friend (who you probably have a crush on), someone you're jealous of, the one you thought was the person most important to him, that's a pretty meaningful statement. 

Basically, what's happening, is that Palm reaffirms that Gon holds Killua closer than a potential romantic partner. And that's why Killua is so, so happy to hear that. He was questioning his entire relationship, questioning if Gon even cared about him, because he rejected him a few minutes before, but then his "rival" comes in and reaffirms that even she knows that no one comes close to Killua to Gon.

I also want to mention that this act of pure love (Killua only thinking of saving Gon when in a life threatening situation) is what made Palm come back to her human senses. d'awwwwww

• Illumi and Hisoka’s parallel on lovers who die of Alluka’s requests. (chapter 323)

Now onto the final significant subtext - while I don't particularly think of it as subtext-y, I know a lot of people have so I still want to include it here.

When Illumi explains Alluka's powers to Hisoka, he explains that there are two different types of linked deaths when a request is failed : 1) the person who failed + the person they love the most 2) the person who failed + the people they spent most of their time with. 

When applied to Killua, Hisoka naturally comes to the conclusion that no matter the outcome, Gon would always be the one dying with Killua, because he's spent so much time with him, and because he's the one that Killua loves the most. In the panel where Illumi explains this, we see a romantic, heterosexual couple  demonstrating the effects of not completing one of Alluka's requests, and thus the "most important person dying". 

While not making any true parallels, the fact that Hisoka, and the readers, are drawn to compare a heterosexual, romantic pairing to Killua dying with Gon because he's his "most important person" is an interesting piece of subtext.

_______

I want to finish by talking about Killua's birthday and how significant it is in my opinion. All the main 4 characters have birthdays that fall on specific dates, related to Japanese tradition, and often with events that can be associated to their character. Gon's is 5/5, which is Children's Day. Kurapika's is 4/4, the number 4 being considered an unlucky number, and this being an unlucky day to have a child. Leorio's is 3/3, Hinamatsuri (not really any main parallels here but still). But Killua's birthday is 7/7, and is the Japanese day to celebrate Tanabata. 

If you are not familiar with Tanabata, the story is as follows : Orihime is a princess who works for her father, working hard and well, but she laments the fact that because of her hard work she can't meet someone and fall in love. Her father arranges for her to meet Hikoboshi, allowing Orihime to leave because he expects her to come back to work for him, but the two immediately fall in love and get married, and she never returns. I won't get into the rest of the story as it's this part that interests me the most, but if you want to read more about Killua and Tanabata I suggest reading the post I referenced below.

Does the story of Orihime remind you of anyone ? Killua also works for his father, but laments the fact that he can't go outside and meet someone. His father then lets him go, saying, and i quote: "he will come back, because he's my son". Doesn't this remind you of the tale of Tanabata ? Killua's story references the tale of Orihime perfectly, and I believe this is intentional : Killua's birthday isn't of any importance to the plot, so why make it Tanabata, a day that celebrates a love story that closely ressembles Killua's story ? The answer is simple : subtext.

With all this in mind, I think it's pretty clear that Togashi is writing intentional subtext to hint at Killua's feelings being romantic in nature. Togashi is a master writer, he has years of experience, and I strongly believe he knows what he's doing and not planting unintentional subtext. He's a very smart man, and knows how all of this can be interpreted.

I will finish by saying that Togashi is NOT an author that would deliberately queerbait his readers. So many people dismiss the possibility of having gay subtext leading onto an actual canon gay relationship because "it's not like the author would ever have gay main characters". While this holds true for a lot of manga authors, especially shonen manga authors, it does NOT apply to Togashi. 

Togashi has always displayed interest in queer subjects and queer representation, putting trans characters in all of his major works (Miyuki in YYH, Mikihisa in Level E and Alluka in HxH). There were also canonically gay characters in his previous works : Itsuki in YYH, and a character named Kuramoto in Level E. 

Togashi also always had interest in mangas having BL elements, citing Maya Mineo's "Patalliro!" as a manga he was attracted to during High School. If you're unfamiliar with Patalliro, the story focuses on the main character's love life as a gay man.  He also admitted to basing Hiei's (YYH) design off a character from that manga. 

Last but not least, Togashi mentioned in a note included in volume 1 of YYH that he wanted to write a sports manga, called The Trouble Quartet, where basically all the characters are gay. Togashi said he based it off his own interests as a writer, and that while it was refused by Shonen Jump, he got deeply attached to the project and that he would love to explore this project in a different shape once he made a name for himself. I suggest reading this post because the parallels between The Trouble Quartet and HxH are HILARIOUSLY accurate.

In short, Togashi has always had interest in queer matters, and was always interested in putting queer representation in his work. After YYH, which was a terrible experience for Togashi as a writer, he managed to snatch a contract that basically allows him to do whatever he wants with HxH. Having always held dear BL matters but never being able to explore it to his full intent, I believe Togashi is exploring queer identity further with HxH, because Shonen Jump basically lets him do anything.

To conclude, with Togashi's past experience and skill, his interest in queer representation, and the amount of subtext surrounding Killua, I honestly believe that Togashi is trying to explore further queer representation, and I wouldn't be surprised if HxH ends with Gon and Killua becoming a canon pairing, whether it be delivered in an ambiguous manner or not. 

Edit : I actually wrote a post on why I believe it won’t be ambiguous, and that it’s truly never been ambiguous, just developing : here.

I hope you enjoyed the read, thank you for reading all of this, and feel free to show this to anyone who denies subtext in HxH !

REFERENCES

- "It has to be Killua" - Medium article, "Impossibilities in Translating Queerness : The Dodgeball Dilemma" 

- Palm's Date Scene - Reddit post, "Togashi's love of Ambiguity: Chapters 217 and 218" 

-A thematic analysis of Palm’s character : ”The Issue With Palm”

- Shinjuu - Tumblr post by hunterxhell, "A lovers' suicide, I guess." :  + the post that mentions Ikalgo talking about shinjuu 

- An analysis on different subtext-y situations

- Illumi and Hisoka’s parallel : here and here 

- Killua’s birthday : "Killua, July 7th, and the significance of his birthdate”

- Togashi's interview mentioning Mineo's Patalliro 

[taegyuun]

random headcannons with riki <3

genre: whatever comes to my mind about the one and only nishimura riki :D

warnings: swearing

note: i wrote this during my french and religious studies class so if parts of it doesn’t make sense it’s bc i had to listen to french and something about christianity and jesus LMAOO - i am also aware that this may seem similar to @emgene post that was not my intention i think we just had similar ideas

hes on his phone 24/7 like a true gen z but he NEVER replies to texts

probably leaves you on seen most of the time

i think the only time he replies to your texts is simply bc he wants smth or hes stuck somewhere

“riki i’m off shopping and then going to a café want to come?” - you 3 weeks ago

“alright” - riki today.

it’s a pain but well what can you do

sometimes you will literally call him bc he still hasn’t answered your text and he’s like “what” AND YOURE JUST STOOD AT HIS DOOR LIKE “NISHIMURA. ANSWER MY DAMN TEXTS” so he ends the call and replies with “ok”

as annoying as it is with him not replying

i feel like hes really really good on the phone?

like he always keeps the conversation going and he’s super sweet to talk to

me thinks niki hates texting but loves being on the phone with you

when you two go shopping together it’s so cute plssss

omg i have this specific imagine in mind where you’re like pushing the shopping cart and hes got his hands in his coat pockets while standing near you

and you’re like looking at the products and he just follows your lead bc babi confused

STOP THATSKAIFOAOROW IM GONNA EXPLODE

whenever you’re doing smth he will sneak up behind you and scare you

it’s his entertainment

randomly appears in your house out of nowhere

you go for days not seeing him and then he just waltzes into your room like it’s nothing

casually says “hey” before laying down on your bed and going back to his phone

at first you were like “what the fuck is going on and how did you get in” and he’d just be like “door”

after a while you got used to it and never get surprised when you hear your door opening

when you’re alone hes pretty clingy

idk he just loves you a lot ok

and he doesn’t get to see you that often bc of his super super busy schedule so whenever you’re alone he just melts and clings to you

that’s probably why he storms into your room and house at random times

your parents are completely fine with it tbh

he has them wrapped around his finger LOOOOOL

but when you’re with other people... he acts like he hates you

nah i’m kidding

hes exactly the same just not as cuddly bc he doesn’t feel like getting teased bc teasing the members is his job not the other way round >:(

if you’re laying down on your bed he probably crawls onto the bed before just falling down on top of you

why? you may be asking?

well

idk tbh

he probably just does it bc he likes annoying you but he’s also close to you at the same time

hes a clingy sleeper everyone knows that

when he sleeps with you hes just gonna CLING to you for dear life

if you do need to get out somehow just tickle him or violently push him off idk you decide which one sounds better

even in his sleep he’ll let go LOL

but it’ll probably wake him up and when he sees that you’re getting out of bed and leaving him he’ll whine and bc he’s still half asleep he’ll probably be whining in japanese stop that’s so CUTE and just try and bring you back down to bed :(((

he’ll probably force you to lay back down and then just wrap his arms super tightly around you and bury his face in your neck and kiss your neck softly like i said in my niki as bf bc he loves you oh so much :(

teaches you japanese if you don’t know the language and you teach him yours !!

definitely teaches you the swear words first or like really rude things and tell you they mean shit like “i like flowers” LMFAOO

jay will be just standing there like 👁👄👁 but doesn’t say anything bc he likes seeing both of you so happy and he doesn’t want to ruin rikis fun :(

tickles you

he’ll come up behind you and back hug you and while he’s got his arms around you he just TICKLES AWWW THATS SO CUTE

loves seeing you smile and laugh

it’s his goal in life to see you smiling

and the fact that hes the reason behind it??? oh my god he can’t help but smile super wide himself

definitely teaches you how to dance

if you didn’t already know how to hes gonna make sure that by the end of the month you know how to move like a dancer

if you ARE a dancer he’ll teach you the hardest dances he can possibly think of LOOOL

omg yall dancing would be so cute stop

will laugh at you if you have 2 left feet ofc theres no denying that

but will also be a great teacher

the members are your guys’ no. 1 supporters

they love your relationship so much

it makes them super happy to see their youngest so so happy bc of a single person

they can see when hes more upset bc you’re not there and it breaks their heart

so they always try their hardest to get you to be there and vice versa

you’re always at dance practices

and yes he does try just that bit harder to make his dances look even better bc he wants you to be impressed by him

and no matter the dance you’re always in awe bc how does someone move like that

he likes being praised by you

it makes him warm inside

so pls praise him a lot

not too much tho bc it’ll get to his head LMFAO

one this that he will love doing that he finds really cute and domestic is doing homework together

he did say he missed going to school and having a normal school life so if you let him do your homework with you he’ll love you forever

he lays his head on your lap and doesn’t even realise he’s doing it

you’re just on your phone and he lays down and gets comfy

he only realises what he did when you start playing with his hair or when you move his head so you can get up or whatever

but once you sit back down you make sure to but his head back into your lap bc BABY

definitely turns red and hides his face in your tummy :(( or if he’s feeling cool then he’ll pretend like he’s not bothered and if you ask him why he’s blushing he’ll be like “blushing??? pffftttt! me?? never!” and jjst goes back to his phone but you know better

anyway i might add more to this when i get more ideas it’s just for the things that i imagine him doing but i don’t have enough ideas to make full scenarios out of them !

[dallonm-archive]

REVELATIONS, REVELATIONS | UPDATE #1

Hello y’all! I refuse to believe it’s been 3 and a half months since I last made an update post for this novel because time is not real :) whoops! This has actually been sat in my drafts for like a month though 

A rundown of things that happened: 

We have a new title! I already went into the meta and possible interpretations (it’s ~ambiguous~), so if you want you can read about that HERE.

I did 3 weeks of Nano and wrote 15k words! On the site I recorded 15053 but I think it was more 15.5k? I’ve edited the original doc now so idk but I’m v happy with that!

After that I took a break and a lot of Life Things happened re a certain pandemic that is taking :) all my motivation :) so I didn’t return to drafting until January. I also really struggled to progress with the story and decided the best thing was to revisit what I already had and work on that

It’s not that the original chapters weren’t working, I was just trying to understand the story for the first time and also Nano was such a hazy blur and I’m 99% sure November didn’t happen. I probably won’t revisit a section this intensely again until I’ve finished the draft but at this stage it really helped because the more I worked on it, the more I understood where it had to go next - I know the structure (for now), the basics for the middle and how the story ends :) hehe :) and I don’t think I’d had those revelations (aha) without revisiting this first part. I got to fall in love with the story all over again and I’m very happy with where it’s going!

This intro is already getting so long so I’m just going to jump straight into it because this update is LONG. I’m talking about all the chapters today even though not all of them are new, but since I’ve learnt a lot about them and this is officially update #1 post-nano, it makes sense to talk about all of them! I’m also going to do a new taglist because I see this as a new set of updates also I am awful at keeping up with taglists so! I’m just tagging friends who have already expressed interest + mutuals who I’m like 99% sure want to stay on so! please let me know if you’d like to be added or removed! 

@kowlazovdi​ @isherwoodj​ @avi-burton-writing​ @pamsdrabbles​ @ryns-ramblings​ @kitblogsthings​ @svpphicwrites​ @aetherwrites​ @radiomacbeth​ @bijouxs​ @writerlywonders​ @haldimilks​ @alicewestwater​ @piyawrites​ @coffeeandcalligraphy​ @shaelinwrites​

usual content warnings for religious trauma and cult discussion, specific CWs will come before excerpts!

So I’m currently working with four parts, and I’ve extended the timeline from one year to four years. This suits the story much better BUT pretty much everything here was written before that decision and I do not have the energy to restructure all of it right now :) Each part is split into two sections, one for each POV. So four parts, 8 sections, Felix and Dorothy get four sections each. I let the structure grow with the story but this one is working very well!

Also I started setting my pages to light green and it was LIFE CHANGING. Much kinder on the eyes and just looks so nice?? Calming?? This post is your sign to set your page colour to light green like LOOK

So we have a prologue now!! The story made a lot more sense once I added this because originally the information we learn was just shoehorned into Chapter 1 in a flashback when really we needed to know this information going into it. That being said I struggled with this for a bit just because to justify a prologue I need that information to be conveyed in a way that is completely unique to the rest of the narrative so I didn’t want to just write this as a flashback. I ended up writing it in 2nd person and it came out in a way where it’s not clear which twins POV it is? Like it’s more of a fusion of both of them where neither of them have their own individual identity beyond “the twins” yet. I can’t tell if this is my funky POV peak or a clarity nightmare but I like it! I want it to only be ~500 words so we can take the risk.

In this they’re fourteen and they do a “blood pact” as a way to symbolically cut themselves from their family (aka: their father) whilst they’re still tethered to it. I really love it because not only is it exactly what these slightly unhinged-but-havent-tapped-into-it-yet, co-dependent-and-dont-realise-it kids would do but it immediately brings up the question of family and what family actually is. I’ve also realised a huge idea in this story is the idea of the tangible and for them, the concept of family and blood isn’t tangible so they struggle to recognise its significance (not that it. has any for them in the first place.) but their relationship, seeing each other bleed and pressing the cuts together is. The writing itself is kinda wonky because of the whole funky clarity nightmare POV but here’s a little taste of the ending:

cw: blood

You’ll slink back into your family room to clean and plaster each other’s hands and you’ll ask yourselves: which bloodstains came from who? Who bled the most and who stopped first? Who will come up with the story for the cuts on your palms and who will dispose the bloodied towel? Who is Dorothy without Felix and who is Felix without Dorothy?

Shiny new first chapter! Originally this was in Dorothy’s POV but now it’s switched to Felix and instead of just showing their reunion (which turns out is....very anticlimactic and not appropriate for an opening lol??) we actually explore Felix’s thoughts an actions after he decides to escape the cult, which was a very impulsive decision and spans about a day and a half. This one is definitely gonna take a few drafts to get right because it’s such a delicate but intense event to write and I’m content with the fact that it’s not There Yet but the prose is! I had a lot of fun writing this chapter and it really helped me get back into the swing of loving this story. There’s something very delicate about it but also very troubling under the surface. The opening gave me a lot of trouble, but the first line hits!

The day Felix decides to leave the sun glows the same, and the pine trees breathe the same, and the chapel cross stabs the sky the same. 

Ironically, a good chunk of the chapter happens outside the cult, as Felix decides to spend his final day taking Lola - a woman his age who is literally the only person he likes lmao - to one of the nearby towns. Whilst the main function of the chapter is to introduce the cult itself, it’s also to show how normalised leaving actually is - it’s just every time he’s left has been temporary, and every time he has left, he still feel separated from this “outside world”. They go to a candy store and a thrift store - where Felix lies about his mom (who he hasn’t seen in 20 years) being in hospital so he can use a phone :) Lola is a new character so I don’t have much to say on her, but all I can say is they are wlw and mlm solidarity but also she knows how to read him 

“I don’t know why Dotty and I loved this place so much - we always got  toothaches.”

“You’re leaving, aren’t you?”

“These apple ones are nice, but I think the lime is my favourite. Do you think the apple or the lime is nicer?”

“I think you’re leaving, but I also think you’re scared, so you’re pretending that I’m going to leave with you and that’s why you wanted to go to town. You chose the candy shop because this is where you went the first time you left, but this time you’re not coming back. Does that scare you, Fel?”

And here is my favourite paragraph in the whole chapter because <3 what the fuck <3 and if pine trees are a key Felix symbol no they aren’t 👁️ yes they are

cw: falling out a window? pushing yourself out a window? description of bones breaking

The day Felix decides the leave, when the clouds bleed amber, he pushes the scratched mahogany dresser so it lines with the windowsill, lies on top and hangs his head out. It’s never comfortable, but it’s always peaceful: sometimes cars murmur on nearby backroads, sometimes a wind chime flutters, sometimes brush rabbits rustle in shrubbery and they all breathe the same oxygen as him. He closes his eyes, inhales the pine air, and plays God: pushes himself further out, an inch at a time, until his shoulders cross the line and he wonders what bones would break if he fell. Would he break both arms or one, both legs or one? Would he break his spine? Which vertebra would crack, and how many? Would he feel them all in one big strike, or all the individual bones burst like popping candy? Evening breeze whispers against his face and he could do it right now, leap out the window and if he didn’t break his legs or back he could run to the bushes, to the pine trees, to the road, the town over East or West, the county line.

If Felix hit the ground, would it be because of a freak fall, or because he pushed himself out?

We have to laugh because I’m pretty sure I said in my Nano update that this chapter was the strongest so far besides one scene but when I looked back that scene <3 took up 80% of the fucking chapter <3 So I just said fuck it I’ll rewrite the whole thing for fun!!!! And I love it!!! It’s so jarring compared to Chapter One and that’s the point!! Everything is so over saturated and originally that was just to convey the absolute shock Felix gets from the Major Impulsive Life Decision He Just Made, but now I think it’s intentional on his part and it goes back to the idea of the tangible: whilst he didn’t grow up totally isolated this is still a new life for him, and he has nothing to latch onto, so he looks to his surroundings and hyper-focuses and latches onto it because it’s something that’s now tangible and accessible to him so he sees it in this very bright, romanticised way (the romanticisation of San Francisco is very amusing to me but it’s also very relevant). But even with that he still distances himself from this environment still - the same way he did whilst living in the cult. He has no idea how he wants to exist in this world and he doesn’t even know how to exist yet.

And so it became clockwork: eyes burst open at two, three, four in morning, doesn’t bother trying to fall back to sleep. Lurk into the kitchen, make a coffee or water or whiskey. Sit under the fritzing lightbulb with no shade, think about everything and nothing and everything and nothing. Or go for a smoke, inhale the vapours until it hurts his chest, breathe in the cool air until it hurts his teeth, wander around the block until it hurts his feet. Sneak back into a room that doesn’t belong to him in an apartment that doesn’t belong to him in a city that doesn’t belong to him. Count the bumps in the popcorn ceiling until footsteps sneak down the hall – Dorothy leaving a room that doesn’t belong to her. Join his sister back at the kitchen, she complains that they need to replace the lightbulb. Over pulpy orange juice and scrambled eggs on toast, she retells her dream and lists the possible meanings and he lists his plans for that day on how to immerse in the outside world, familiarise himself with the city until it belongs to him. Travel by trolley for the first time, eat seafood at the waterfront for the first time. Bump into a cherry-headed conure parrot by chance. Climb Twin Peaks and gaze at the new view of home. Trace the outline of translucent mountains in the air and pretend you’ll ever hike them; trace the outline of high rises in the air and pretend you know the people in them. He asks Dorothy when he’ll stop feeling like a tourist – she has no answer for him.

(context: Dorothy’s roommate, Jolie, is out of town at this point, so Dorothy tells Felix to take her room whilst she takes Jolie’s and they’ll sort it out later. Dorothy has no problem sleeping in Jolie’s bed because her and Jolie are Very Good Friends)

I also realised that, in the nicest way possible to November me, that this chapter was so damn boring because it’s very dialogue heavy but in every dialogue moment they are literally just 🧍 doing nothing. So I wrote a scene as a half-joke of Just Met Like Three Hours Ago Beau and Felix going to the arcade and it saved this chapter. It is SO fun but it also comes straight after this very emotionally intense moment and it’s really interesting to see that reach its zenith and then just. fizzle out but linger in the background? I love this scene but I also can’t take it too seriously because they play Frogger and @aetherwrites​ joked that the game’s a metaphor for Felix leaving the cult and I love her and hate her because she is so right I can picture the LIT1000 seminar where that analysis would be made unironically and it’d be ME who makes it and I am so close to just running with that for real. Also these two aren’t love at first sight but the chemistry is so loud like did you two meet today or have you been married for eight years and own five dogs together what’s the truth? Anyway here’s Felix murdering Beau on sight 

“You know, you could’ve warned me that you’d be that good,” Beau says.

“It’s not that difficult, you could’ve warned me that you’d be that bad.”

Beau leans across to shuffle through cassette tapes in the glove compartment. “I’m not, you just got lucky. I let you win.”

“But it’s not even competitive. You just died seven times in a row.”

I’m a little unsure of the pacing for this chapter now because its effectiveness lies in the fact it takes place a week after the previous, and my job with this section post-draft is to stretch it out longer since it only spans three weeks. I’m hoping I can make it work where there’s little time between Chapter 1 & 2 but still cover more time in chapters 3-5 because I think that’d be jarring in the best way? Like the absolute intensity of that initial week quickly dissolving and suddenly he’s been living this life for months he didn’t notice go by. Again <3 a problem for post draft me <3

I don’t have much to say about this one because in Nano I didn’t even finish it, and now I have but it’s still <3 giving me trouble <3 - however I’ve realised this is probably the most important chapter at this stage of the novel because it’s the first full chapter with just the twins, trying to have a bonding moment and catch up but only learning that they a) love each other b) can’t stand each other whilst not realising just yet that they are c) extremely co-dependent. I like to call this novel multiple plot threads in a trench coat and that’s definitely it, the twins have their own individual plot threads separate to one another, but if there’s a central plot (and there kinda is?? its a surprise :) ) at its essence is them realising how fucked up their relationship is, but wanting to rectify that and trying to understand the difference between a tangled and toxic relationship. 

This chapter introduces that each character has a key symbol that’s attached to the world somehow and Felix has chapters like these in his arc where he tries to navigate the state of their relationship (so there’s one later on titled “Ocean (Beau)”) and his associations with them. We have to laugh here because I was really like “oh Dorothy is sapphic so I’ll make her obsessed with the moon” but then it became a major symbol in the story <3 Dorothy IS obsessed with the moon, and Felix is frustrated because he can’t see it the way she does and he feels like part of him is missing because of that, when it’s just a different perspective but nooo these two need to have unhealthy co-dependency and then get mad when they’re unhealthily co-dependent on each other :/ Anyway I’d just like to talk about how Felix’s need to be like his sister in this chapter is demonstrated through a symbol that’s attached way more to her than it is to him even though in the prose he describes the moon as this fragile, breakable thing which is the complete opposite as how Dorothy would and lets talk about the blade mirroring the prologue!!!!

He closed an eye and pointed the blade at the moon. If he could, it’d be so easy: surgeons precision, swift wrist flick, carved and plucked from the sky. Laid out on his palm like tissue paper, half translucent and as breakable as skin - a birthday present for Dorothy, if he doesn’t tear it. He’ll try not to, but it’d be so easy.

In further development of the Moon Imagery, I’ve started using a lot of Star Imagery with Felix and a lot of general space imagery in both of their POVs and I’m delighted to say I have no idea what the meta means with that but I like it!! It fits the story very well and they’re probably mirroring each other or something!

This little chapter taught me that I need to be flexible with form <3 this was originally meant to be the final scene of the last chapter, and I was so hyped because it was one of the first scenes I conceptualised, but then it ~sucked~. However I didn’t realise until recently that it sucked because I was writing it in a traditional storytelling form - which most of this book benefits from, but this moment certainly does! not! I’m really glad because I think this book is the perfect playground for experimental form - although here it’s relatively simple though, most of the setup for this happens at the end of the previous chapter and then this is just all the information condensed as much as possible. This chapter is focused on memories so it really works for it to be cut off from the previous which is in the fictive present, and Felix’s perception of memories right now are ~a little jarring~

The final scene of Moon (Dotty) depicts Felix and Dorothy breaking into a park at 4am, promptly having an argument that results in Dorothy leaving, and Felix sat next to a fountain picking pennies out of it and trying to associate a memory with the year on the back - this chapter is those memories and this introduces the fluid relationship characters have with their past. For Felix, he’s seeing the last 20+ years from a bird eyes view in a very sporadic way and it’s starting to sink in that those 20+ years actually Happened. Some of the memories are very distanced, others are as intense as flashbacks, and some are a mixture of the two. This one is very interesting to me because he completely separates himself from the memory halfway through Fel do you wanna talk about this (unfortunately I cannot drop the name because of plot <3)

cw: light/implied homophobia

IN GOD WE TRUST / 1978

The first time Felix held a boys hand was in 1978 in the back pew at morning service. It was the first time [redacted]’s father preached and they got stuck in the back because they arrived late, because they laid in the grass together, wearing each other’s identical pecan coloured blazers as sunrise peeled back the night, and they slunk into the back of service like ghosts everyone could see and maybe they knew why they were late. [Redacted]’s father had a razor voice and he made sure every word sliced into his son and his son interlocked fingers with the boy next to him. His son didn’t look at the boy he held hands with the same way he’ll pretend his blazer is his and not the boys and the same way he didn’t look at the boy the first time they kissed behind the chapel building and the same way he didn’t look at the boy during Bible study for the week after.

Whilst I’d say in Chapter 2 the chemistry between Beau and Felix is as clear as day this is the first instance where Felix’s queerness is explicitly introduced and I’m taking this chance to say this book gets more queer every fucking week. Like I think in the last updates I was like ohhh sexuality doesn’t play much into Felix’s arc and know it’s like 99% of his damn arc and we LOVE it. But at this point he doesn’t realise like when I tell you guys this man is so repressed

I am literally only putting this here because I talk about all the other chapters and it’s weird to me to leave one out. Also because the graphic and title is pretty. Not gonna lie I love making these posts and that is 10% to ramble about meta 90% making pretty graphics that is literally just cropping photos on Unsplash and putting Garamond text over them <3

Anyway this was originally Lessons in Holy and when I revisited that chapter I realised it was so fucking messy and I tried to fix it but it didn’t really work and I’ve been scared to touch it since. However the meta is top notch so here we are - it mirrors Chapter One, Everything Holy, which explores Felix’s decision to leave the cult and with that, leave God. Everything Holy / In San Francisco explores his relationship (or lack thereof) with God and how much Felix’s life has changed since he left - and how “holy” it is. It definitely goes back to the idea of the tangible because the holiness preached to him growing up was not something tangible to him, whereas with this he looks at real life experiences, so he tries to find holiness in that. It also ties with Cyan City and the romanticisation of San Francisco as something tangible and something he can find holiness in, which a) he needs to learn that things don’t have to be “holy” to be valuable and b) it would be a shame if :) he centred everything good about his life around SF and then :) something bad were to happen whilst living in SF :) the way he and Dorothy both do this

My plan for this is basically: Condense The Shit Out Of It. The hardest part about this chapter is it is very thematic and you know as a lit major (derogatory) I love that but with more theme centric chapters the line between subtle and Too Much can be verrryyy thin, but I think focusing on character exploration over theme will fix that pretty easily. I’d also like to separate the Isaias introduction into its own chapter because it’s such an important moment and November me just? Latched it on at the end? And that plus Felix’s crisis in the same chapter is just too much. This chapter is gonna get changed A Lot but for now here’s Felix’s very chill and relaxed ending to his POV section :)

cw: drowning, drug mention

Felix didn’t speak to God for three weeks and everything unholy became holy: the coffee scorching his throat, the kaleidoscopic t-shirts and high waisted jeans, the punk rock they play at the record store – loud and electric. It’s unholy, but he sleeps through the night now, he folds coloured card into butterflies at breakfast and scribbles biro eyes over the newspaper's sudoku on his lunch break. He earns money and he spends a pinch of it on himself: on new wave records and playing cards and earrings he can’t wear yet. Sometimes he buys marijuana it’s not a sin because marijuana means he only smokes tobacco twice a day now – one at breakfast, one before bed. He bar hops with Beau on Saturdays and hikes with Dorothy on Sundays and he tells strangers he studies American Literature and he smiles with his eyes more and nobody notices that somebody’s holding his head underwater. And he doesn’t know whose hand it is, but it knows how to grip tight. And he doesn’t know how to swim, but he knows how to swallow water. And he doesn’t know if this is the punishment or the sin because the water stings his eyes but he chooses to keep them open, and the water will tangle in his lungs but he chooses to keep his mouth open. And hellfire can’t touch him under here, so he’ll keep swallowing water and it’ll burn him in a different way, and he’ll like how it scorches his throat.

(Once again context I didn’t share because I don’t like the writing that talks about it: Felix has a deep fear of drowning from past trauma, but he’s also very obsessive about it and often imagines himself drowning.)

(also the way these excerpts are just showing off my love for repetition my Intro to Creative Writing Tutor that called repetition lazy is seething rn!!!!)

Overall though, I’m v happy with how this section came out now that I actually know what the story is! As I’ve finished drafting it, I have noticed where the missing plot beats are and this is what I expected because I Do Not have a lot of experience with novels (I’ve never passed 15k on a novel before so we’re in new territory now) and generally struggle to see beats before I finish a draft. I’m thinking there’s at least one chapter missing and maybe a shorter one, like MSATBOTF, but I won’t be touching this section again until I finish the draft. Most of all I learnt a lot about the story’s form and I’m excited to play with that and be a bit more flexible! 

I’m currently drafting Indigo, the first chapter in Dorothy’s POV, and I was going to talk more about it but this post is too long and the next update will be <3 all about her <3. But the chapter introduces her and Jolie’s tumultuous relationship and here’s a lil peak! 

Me, a sapphic, capable of writing happy sapphic relationships: 

Me instead: 

cw: light/implied homophobia

If she didn’t display the ticket on the bedside table - like she had something to prove - she could have easily been in Dallas, in New York, London, Cannes, Moscow, Tokyo, Cairo, Sydney. But wherever she went, Dorothy and Jolie have had four airport reunions before today - four times they’ve had to soften themselves, disguise themselves. Old high school friend flying in to be her maid of honour, college roommates who don’t see each other as a day past eighteen, pen pals reuniting for the first time since the seventies, business trip colleagues in casualwear. The fifth time, there’s nothing to hide, and as they walk to the car, Dorothy has to wonder: if they were seen by nobody, would Jolie have hugged her with both arms? Would she have kissed her? Would Dorothy kiss back?

I’m midway through this chapter, so I’ll keep the rest of it for the next update! That I promise won’t be in three months!

If you read through all of this then I am in love with you <3 

[thedreadvampy]

Hey Ruth! I noticed you've talked in the past about asexuality in quite a negative manner. As an ace-person (who has received backlash for it) I was wondering: do you still uphold these opinions?

Hey! I have in the past said I don’t really...like people popping up in my ask box asking me My Opinion On Asexuality, but I do appreciate you asking me as someone I kinda know and with your face turned on, so I’m gonna aim to answer in the macro. Though I mean it depends on what the opinions...are? I have had a lot of opinions over the time I’ve had this blog and I don’t necessarily know what all of them were or which ones have concerned you. I can give you a top-level view of how I see my views, though (however, since I have been largely holding off on answering this kind of ask for Literally A Year Now this is less an answer to your specific question and more an answer to the last year of asks)

(also if I get dogpiled in my inbox for Having Bad Asexuality Opinions which I do every time I talk about asexuality regardless of what I actually say then. my phone is broken I won’t know about it :) so I feel untouchable)

I don’t think I hold a negative opinion of asexuality as an identity (I say I don’t think bc we all have blind spots)? I have a lot of very important people in my life who are asexual, aromantic or aroace and. I mean it feels pretty condescending to say ~uwu it’s valid~ bc like. ace and aro people don’t really need my input to validate their identity. but a) it seems like a pretty accurate way to describe their experience and b) I know a lot of them have had a really huge boost from finding a name and community to fit their experience and have found that really helpful, and I’ve seen that make a huge difference in people’s lives and I’m really happy to watch my friends come to understand themselves and feel comfortable and accepted in a part of themselves they had felt really alienated or stigmatised by. In a broader sense, I think there’s huge value in decentralising romance and sex in our assumptions of What Human Happiness Means and for some people that’s not the most important thing, and for some it’s just not interesting. 

So like. I find it difficult to really express these opinions in any meaningful way because my opinion on asexuals and aromantics is much like my opinion on trans people or idk like people of colour. like very obviously those people exist and very obviously those people don’t deserve to be marginalised or stigmatised but it would feel. weird and performative to just make a post saying like “Asexuality Is Good And Valid, I Am Pro It” bc again like. who needs my permission or cares about my opinion. it’s not a Good Thing To Do it’s just. a thing you are that shouldn’t be treated as a bad thing.

however. and I suspect that this is what you’re referring to. while I love and appreciate ace and aro people, I think building communities and active support for ace and aro people is valuable and needed and, as above, I think Asexuality Is Good And Valid I Am Pro It, I do take some issue with elements of how discussions around asexuality are framed online (pretty much only online, I really haven’t run into the kind of black-and-white thinking in in-person queer spaces) 

and I also. think there are some issues with people extrapolating their experience of their own sexuality onto the world in a way which. I’m just going to say a lot of the time when I talk about The Ace Discourse in a negative way it’s around people assuming that the world is split into a binary between ace and allo people, or assuming that only aspec people experience a nuanced or complex or fluid relationship to their sexuality while pigeonholing allosexuality into a pretty flat image of sex and romance focus. and I have always felt like this does a massive disservice not just to people who don’t identify with aspec labels, but also to the general hope that we could work against the expectation that there’s a Standard Amount To Value Sex/Romance - I think that the assumption that there are aspec people and then Everyone Else Has The Normal Type and Level of Attraction just. reinforces the idea that there’s a “Normal” type and level of attraction. which is ultimately pretty self-defeating and also just. observably untrue. 

and this division of the world into Aspec People and Allo People also has some other weird knockon effects - I don’t think there’s anything intrinsically wrong with identities like gray ace or demi or other aspec labels beyond asexual and aromantic, but I do think that the way those labels are used is often. unhelpful. and they’re defined in such personal, subjective ways that you get weirdnesses sometimes like people Diagnosing Each Other With Demisexual or people saying ‘you can’t talk about this experience you share because it’s an Aspec Experience’ and again. there isn’t a concrete material experience there because the whole experience of romantic and sexual attraction, what that feels like and how sharply divisible it is is very, very personal and subjective. and everyone has different experiences of those and will name those experiences differently.

there’s also. historically a minority of Big Ace Blogs that kind of sneer at allosexuality or who would hijack posts about other issues to derail them to asexuality. but I don’t think they were ever representative of the community as a whole and I certainly think that inasmuch as those blogs remain around they’re a legacy of the Long-Ago (and a lot of them are trolls imo)

but there is. an issue I take that does seem to be more currently live which is the question of allo privilege. I think personally that framing all allosexuals/alloromantics as privileged over all aspec people on the basis of feeling sexual/romantic attraction is provably untrue in a world where people, particularly queer people, are actively oppressed and marginalised for expressing non-normative sexuality. it isn’t that I don’t think asexuality and aromanticism isn’t marginalised and stigmatised, because it visibly is, but it seems pretty reductive to boil it down to a binary yes/no privilege when both sexualisation and desexualisation are so actively tied into other forms of marginalisation (this is what I was trying to express in the argument about Martin a while ago - sex and sexuality are so often disincentivised for fat, queer, disabled and neuroatypical people that it doesn’t...feel like a reclamation that those tend to be the characters that get fanonised as ace where slim, straight, able-bodied and neurotypical characters aren’t. like it’s more complex than a binary privilege equation; sex and romance are incentivised and stigmatised differently at the intersection of oppressions and. for example. in a world where gay conversion therapy and religious oppression of gay and SGA people is so often focused specifically on celibacy and on punishing the act of sexual attraction, I don’t think it’s a reasonable framing to say that a gay allosexual man has privilege over an aroace man on the basis of his attraction) 

so those are like. things I would consider myself to feel actively negative about in online discourse (and again. in online discourse. not in how I relate to asexuality or aromanticism or aspec identities in general but in the framing and approaches people take towards discussing it in a very specific bubble).

but also. um. the main criticism I have of the online discourse culture of asexuality is that there are things I don’t have experience of that I have mentioned, when asked, that I don’t personally understand the meaning of but I don’t need to understand them to appreciate that they’re useful/meaningful to others. things like 

the difference between QPRs, asexual romantic relationships and close friendships

how you know the difference between romantic attraction and friendship

the distinction between sexual attraction and a desire to have sex with someone for another reason

and I hope I’ve generally been clear that this is. honest lack of understanding and not condemnation. I personally have a very muddled sense of attraction and often have difficulty identifying the specifics of any of my own emotional needs so like. it’s a closed book for me at the moment, how you would identify the fine distinctions between types of want when I’m still at step 1: identify That You Want Something Of Some Sort, Eventually, Through Trial And Error. but I think I’ve always been explicit that this isn’t a value judgement it’s just a gap in my own knowledge and yet. every single time I’ve said anything other than enthusiastic “yes I understand this and I love it and it’s good and valid” (and again. I have not gone out of my way to talk about it I have mostly only mentioned it because people keep asking me to talk about it) I have got a massive rush of anger and accusations of aphobia and “just shut up if you don’t know what you’re talking about but also answer my 30 questions to prove you think Correct Things about asexuality” and. I understand that this comes from a place of really unpleasant and aggressive backlash towards the ace community so it’s a sensitivity with a lot of people but like. it doesn’t seem proportional.

also I feel like ever since I hit like 700 followers my Tumblr life has been a constant cycle of people asking me Are You An Ace Inclusionist Are You An Exclus Are You An Aphobe Justify Your Opinion On Asexuality which. eventually yeah I’ve got pretty snippy about the whole thing. but you know. fuck it I’m just gonna lay it out and if you or anyone else is uncomfortable following me based on those opinions then I’m sorry to hear that and I will be sad to see you not want to engage with me any more but I also think that’s absolutely your prerogative. however I will not be taking questions at this time (and not just bc my phone’s broken) - demands for an argument about this Are Going To Be Ignored so if you want to go then go.

so like the big question I reckon is Do You Think Asexuality Is Queer and

yes. no. maybe. I don’t understand the question what does it mean for an identity to be queer? 

there are spaces and conversations where any form of aromanticism or asexuality makes sense as a relevant identity. talking about hegemonic expectations of normative romance. building community. combatting the idea that heterosexual missionary married sex between a man and a woman is the only rewarding or valuable form of relationship or intimacy.

there are spaces where I think heterosexual aros/heteromantic cis aces don’t. have a more meaningful or direct experience of the issues than allo cishets. because while being aro or ace or aspec has a direct impact on those people on a personal and relational level, disclosure is largely a choice, and the world at large sees them as straight. they don’t have the lived experience of being visibly nonconforming that SGA people and aroace people do. they may still be queer but there’s a lot of conversations where they bring a lot of the baggage of being Straight People (because. even if you’re ace or aro you can still be straight in your romantic or sexual attraction and if your relationships are all outwardly straight then you don’t necessarily have an intimate personal understanding of being marginalised from mainstream society by dint of your sexuality). this doesn’t make you Not Queer in the same way that being a bi person who’s only ever been in m/f relationships is still queer, but in both cases a) you don’t magically have a personal experience of societal oppression through the transitive properties of Being Queer and b) it’s really obnoxious to talk as if you’re The Most Oppressed when other people are trying to have a conversation about their lived experience of societal oppression. and they’re within their rights to say ‘we’re talking about the experience of being marginalised for same gender/non-heterosexual attraction and you’re straight, could you butt out?’)

(I very much object to the assumption coming from a lot of exclus that “cishet ace” is a term that can reasonably be applied to non-orientated aroace people though. het is not a default it really extremely doesn’t make sense to treat people who feel no attraction as Straight By Default. when I were a lad I feel like we mostly understood “asexual” to mean that identity - non-orientated aroace - and while I think it’s obvious that a lot of people do find value in using a more split-model because. well. some people are both gay/straight/bi and aro/ace, and it’s good that language reflects that. but I do think it’s left a gap in the language to simply refer to non-attracted people. this isn’t a criticism of anything in particular - there’s a constant balancing act in language between specificity and adaptability and sometimes a gain for one is a loss for the other)

some queer conversations and spaces just. aren’t built with aces in mind. and that isn’t a flaw. some spaces aren’t built with men in mind, but that doesn’t mean men can’t be queer. some conversations are about Black experiences of queerness but that doesn’t mean non-Black people can’t be queer. not all queer spaces will focus on ace needs but that doesn’t mean asexuality isn’t queer, or that queerness is opposed to aceness - sex, sexuality, romance and dating are all really important things to a lot of queer people, especially those whose sexuality and romantic relationships are often stigmatised or violently suppressed in wider society. there should be gay bars, hookup apps, gay and trans friendly sex education, making out at Pride, leather parades and topless dyke marches and porn made by and for queer people, romantic representation in media of young and old gay, bi and trans couples kissing and snuggling and getting married and saying sloppy romantic things. and there should be non-sexual queer spaces, there should be discussions around queerness that don’t suppose that a monogamous romantic relationship is what everyone’s fighting for, sex ed should be ace inclusive, etc. 

I think the whole question of inclusionism vs exclusionism is based on a weird underlying assumption that If An Identity Is Queer All Queer Spaces Should Directly Cater To That. like. aspec identities can be queer and it can be totally reasonable for there to be queer spaces that revolve around being sexual and romantic and there can be conversations it’s not appropriate or productive to centre asexuality and aspec experiences in and we can recognise that not all queer people do prioritise or have any interest in sex or romance. in the same way that there’s value in centring binary trans experiences sometimes and nonbinary experiences at other times but both of those conversations should recognise that neither binary or nonbinary gender identity is a Universal Queer Experience.

anyway that one probably isn’t one of the opinions you were asking about but I have been wanting to find a way to express it for a while so you’re getting it: the Ruth Thedreadvampy Inclusionism Take.

uh. it’s 1:30 on a work night so I have been typing too long. if there was an opinion you were specifically thinking of that I haven’t mentioned, chuck me another ask specifically pointing to what you want me to clarify my thinking on. sometimes I gotta be honest I’ve just been kind of careless in my framing (thinking of the Martin Fucks debacle where I spent ages insisting I didn’t say Martin couldn’t be aroace then read back like two days later and realised that I had said “he’s not aroace” bc I had written the post at 2am without proofreading and had meant to say “unless you think he’s aroace”) so I May Well Not Stand By Some Posts or might Stand By Them With Clarification

[flamediel]

yo dont know yashua you cant say he's racist how woulf you feel if someone judged you based on your religion and called you racist and sexist for it? its his right ot believe what he wants and you are being like a nazi attacking him

ok, look. I was just gonna delete this or respond to this w a meme and laugh it off (and the girlies on my snap KNOW this made me cackle) but we’re talking about a particularly insidious brand of racism and misogyny and I feel the need to elaborate. for those who didn’t see this is the post we are discussing.

Let’s start by discussing the tradwife movement. this post was tagged as tradwife, so you can’t tell me it’s not associated with the movement. the hashtag is at the top of the pic and tagged in the description, so it’s hard to miss. Yashua commented on a post with those hashtags being VERY visible saying he liked that, so he v obviously subscribes to those ideas. 

What is the tradwife movement? it means “traditional wife” and it originated in alt-right spaces as a means of getting women to subscribe to right-wing ideals. This NYT Opinion piece by Annie Kelly, a Ph.D. student researching the impact of digital cultures on anti-feminism and the far right, describes this phenomenon in incredible depth. Here is a short explanation of where the movement started, pulled from Ms. Kelly’s article

“Some members of the alt-right have been weighing whether the absence of women from their movement is a problem. In 2016, the Swedish nationalist Marcus Follin, who calls himself The Golden One on YouTube, made a video titled “The Women Question.” In it, he urged his followers to dial down the open misogyny and consider new strategies to win over more women to the white nationalist cause. Mr. Follin was responding to statistics from the Austrian presidential election that year, in which female voters helped swing the election away from the candidate of the far-right Freedom Party. “You might not like that women have the right to vote, you might not like that anyone has the right to vote,” Mr. Follin conceded, “but it’s about winning a long-term political victory.

Enter the tradwives.

Over the past few years, dozens of YouTube and social media accounts have sprung up showcasing soft-spoken young white women who extol the virtues of staying at home, submitting to male leadership and bearing lots of children — being “traditional wives.” 

If you read through that tiny snippet of the article, what are some keywords that stand out? for me, it’s “alt-right,” and “white nationalist.” The racism there is unmistakable, and while Yashua may not be white he has previously expressed some incredibly racist viewpoints, like how him kissing a Russian woman ended racism and his saying the n-word despite doing the most to separate himself from the black community when it’s even slightly inconvenient for him. If he’s following and participating in tradwife circles, then he’s also v much a part of white supremacist and anti-black movements (yes, POC can be parts of those movements, no it does not make it ok). 

The article also makes it incredibly clear how misogynistic the tradwife movement is:

Female fears of objectification and sexual violence remain as potent as ever; the tradwife subculture exploits them by blaming modernity for such phenomena, and then offers chastity, marriage and motherhood as an escape. As one such YouTube commentator, a teenager, told her audience, traditionalism does “what feminism is supposed to do” in preventing women from being made into “sexual objects” and treated “like a whore.”

It’s a lie, of course. Modesty has never been a safeguard against degradation or rape, and we know that a rapist is no less likely to hurt a woman simply because he’s married to her. But it’s not difficult to see how it could be a seductive lie; the continuous headlines made by the #MeToo movement, paradoxically, were eagerly shared among tradwife networks, as supposed proof that sexual liberation had made life unacceptably dangerous for women.

if you read this and aren’t completely appalled by how this movement preys on women’s fears to push them into pursuing subservient roles in relationships with abusive men, then idk how to better explain it for you. White female victimhood has always been weaponized by right-wing movements to tempt them into joining their ranks, but for a man of color with a predominantly brown, Latin American fanbase to be advocating for this shit? He is exposing mostly young, impressionable women of color to a culture that wants them dead, and that will happily manipulate them in order to achieve their ends. he has a platform, and he’s using it to explicitly harm his fans. This has nothing to do with religion, it has to do with the explicit rhetoric of the movement that he showed support for. he isn’t racist and sexist for being Christian (although, Christianity in and of itself is heavily tied to racism and misogyny and, like most organized religions, its members need to evaluate these stances to make sure they don't perpetuate them) he is racist and sexist for supporting ang giving a platform to the tradwife movement. 

Now that we’ve discussed the movement as a whole, let’s talk about the meme itself. Of course, the biggest umbrella is Jesus Christ, alluding to how Christian faith protects followers from the “rain” or any harmful things. that’s fine, that’s just Christianity. the problem is what comes next, the husband's umbrella labeled with “protecting” and “providing for the family.” UNDER that, and thus presumably less importantly, is the wife’s umbrella labeled with “managing the home” and “having children.” The meme very clearly positions the wife’s role as subservient to the husband’s. Look, it’s perfectly okay to want to be a housewife and devote yourself to kids, but this responsibility is not less than that of the breadwinner. Housework is literally a necessity in maintaining livable conditions, and the reality is in traditional family setups it’s considered menial. if a wife wants to stay home and take care of the kids that’s fine, and if you want to marry a woman that’s into that then that’s also fine, but that woman is not lesser than you. Her role is equal to yours, and just as necessary to sustaining your life as yours is to sustaining hers. Putting a woman’s role under yours, no matter your ideal family dynamic, is sexist. That is a very basic misogynistic ideal, and we cannot ignore that.

Now, onto your comment specifically.

 “how woulf [sic] you feel if someone judged you based on your religion and called you racist and sexist for it”

I am not judging Yashua based on his religion. He is a Christian, and I don’t judge him based solely on that fact. I judge him based on specific problematic things he’s said to support his Christianity. Calling Buddha an “old fat man” is racist, regardless if you’re a Christian or not. Implying that women are subservient to men is sexist, regardless if you’re a Christian or not. These are not isolated incidents with him, and they point to deeper-rooted beliefs that are frankly concerning. It’s not about the fact he’s Christian, it’s about his specific beliefs. 

I’m not going to pretend that there are no problematic sects and beliefs in Islam, but I am comfortable in the fact that I don’t support them, and in fact actively advocate against many of them. I’m literally going into Human Rights to help fight the racism and misogyny ingrained in my country’s religious laws. this is by no means comparable to Yashua, and if you’re implying that I’m racist or sexist on the very basis of my being Muslim you are not only wrong but also islamophobic as fuck. 

“its [sic] his right ot [sic] believe what he wants”

Yes, it is. So long as those beliefs don’t actively harm other people, especially marginalized groups like these do. and guess what anon? if he has the right to believe what he wants, so do I. and I believe he’s a racist, misogynistic asshole who is in desperate need of self-reflection. The difference between mine and his beliefs is that mine don’t actually harm anyone and are well-founded. his are actively hurting his fans, and he needs to fix up because he is spreading incredibly fucked up beliefs.

“you are being like a nazi attacking him”

um. yeah, NO. it is not like nazism to call someone out for perpetuating alt-right ideas. if anything, calling out pro-nazi propaganda is uhh. probably one of the least nazi-like thing someone can do. also equating me calling out a problematic meme to a literal genocide is anti-Semitic and tone-deaf as fuck. Don’t pull that shit here.

well then, I think this is a good enough response. I am very passionate about these issues, and if someone else wants to discuss them I am happy to, but just an FYI, I expect you to be coming in with proper manners. the only reason I answered this ask is because it was an important conversation starter, but if anyone brings this energy into my ask box again it’s a straight block. I hope that’s clear, and that this was helpful. Let me know if you want me to adjust the tags on this post, I did my best but I know this can be a triggering topic, so if you need anything specific tagged just shoot me an ask or a dm. Stay safe!

[corancoranthemagicalman]

C’s (1/?) Destiel Rec List:

That gets less and less coherent as it goes.

So here is a rec list by order in which I read them and not by preference. They’re like, All Destiel, because that’s how Post-November C rolls:

First on the list is The Courtship of Combat by bendingsignpost 18k

I KNOW it’s not Thee fic by bendingsignpost that everyone is talking about. I know. BUT, I dearly enjoyed it. It’s the first in a series and it’s A/B/O. (I know. I know. Don’t @ me. Or do.) It’s pre-relationship and the characters are definitely themed toward early-Destiel if you catch my drift. Omega!Dean’s hand is being fought over. This wouldn’t matter to Castiel except he totally told Michael that the reason he wouldn’t marry anyone is because he’s head over heels for the Winchester Omega that he doesn’t even have a real recollection of ever meeting. It’s like the perfect balance of a meet-cute and meet-ugly. I just LOVE bendingsignpost’s Castiel voice. It’s such a great characterization.

I’M GONNA SCREAM THE SECOND ON THE LIST IS ANOTHER A/B/O?!? I swear I don’t read that much A/B/O, but this is another exception because it’s Biological Imperatives (Or Not) by tiamatv  29k

Tiamatv is one of my favorite writers. If you’re unfamiliar with their work, I’m gonna rec more of it to you. No worries. THIS lovely piece of work is a Beta/Beta narrative that focuses on how hilarious A/B/O tropes are from an outsider perspective, but doesn’t do it in a way that feels insulting to the classical tropes. It’s just people living their lives where these situations happen not often but enough that they know how to deal with it. Dean and Cas have several first dates trying to figure out what’s happening between the two of them. Castiel is thee love of my life in this piece. And Dean’s headspace makes for a witty narrative.

If you know me at all, you know this next one HAD to be a regency and it’s Of Lords and Letters by MalMuses 14k

Dean is the master of the Winchester estate after his father passes. Unfortunately for the estate (but much to Dean’s pleasure), he can’t run it personally because he’s at war. Not that he likes war all that much, but it’s what he knows. War he knows. Sam is a conniving but well-meaning little brother and puts him in contact with Mister Castiel Shurley. (I KNOW. I KNOW. I allow Castiel Shurley in recent fics only if Chuck is cast as an asshole, and he is :)) But seriously, it’s SO Regency. There’s letters, pining, propriety, and men in period suits. What more could you ask for?

Y’all probably gonna immediately peg who I am as a person when I say Always Together, Eternally Apart by EmiliaOagi 27k is probably one of my top ten Destiel fics.

Here’s the thing—Ladyhawke is probably my second favorite movie in the entire world beat only by The Princess Bride. (Seriously, if y’all wanna bribe me with anything, it will always be that.) NOT ONLY does EmiliaOagi beautifully incorporate the source material, but once more Dean Winchester is SO Dean Winchester it hurts. This piece is from Sam’s perspective, and his running inner monologue is both insightful and entertaining. If you’re unfamiliar with the plot of Ladyhawke, I refuse to spoil it for you. Some things must be experienced, and this is one of them. Either by reading this lovely work or by viewing the original film, you’ll understand the legend that so captivates me.

OH ANOTHER DELICIOUS ONE and it’s like in that vein of Retired Hunters But Not Yet Together Destiel is Welcome to Pine Shores! by andimeantittosting (Saylee) 20k

It’s always fun reading Dean character studies, and this is definitely one of them. So the long and short of it is PINING FOR DAYS (this was written for Pinefest) and Dean trying to set up Cas with other people because he thinks Cas might want more. Oh, and did I mention they’ve been running this motel for like thirteen years? And they share a bed? *Tropes Intensify*

There is also Dean Winchester and the Patron Saint of Blind Dates by goldenraeofsun 18k which I think some of y’all are familiar with.

Sort of what it says on the tin, to be honest, folks. Dean’s friends set him up with some blind dates and the bartender—Castiel—grips his Purple Nurple tight and raises him from perdition. (And no, it’s not a euphemism.) The dates are sort of outrageously in character and interestingly enough this is a Sam/Ruby fic too! I sort of liked how it played out in this piece. If you’re worried about the Sam/Ruby dynamic, fear not! They were both former addicts and have since been clean for (a year or two? I don’t recall the time frame.) Dean has a love/hate sort of relationship with an emphasis on hate with Ruby since she’s the one who got Sam into drugs (allegory for the demon blood) but she’s also the one to try to go clean first. I just thought that was an interesting take, and one I would’ve linked to have seen the show pursue to be honest, but Supernatural has to keep the hot ladies dead or villains or both haha ;)) I digress. It’s a smaller read but the subject matter is pretty heavy. From former religious cults to the former addicts, please keep in mind if mentions of these things make you uncomfortable. It’s definitely the one whose subject matter stuck out the most to me. So apologize if I’ve missed mentioning anything specific for y’all in the previous recs or this one.

WAIT THIS NAME LOOKS FAMILIAR!??! IT’S andimeantittosting (Saylee) BACK AT IT AGAIN BUT THIS TIME WITH The Winchester Affair 34k !!

SAYLEE YOU HAD TO MAKE IT ONTO THIS LIST TWICE. Another Regency, except this time Castiel is long time friends (with benefits *eyebrow wiggles*) with Dean. He’s in love with him, obviously, so this means that an asshole named Zachariah that we all know and loathe comes around planning to frame his poor sister (Hael) with stealing Mary Winchester’s brooch if Castiel doesn’t find some damning evidence on the Winchesters for him. DRAMA AHOY!!! This is a very harlequin/regency novel. It’s actually based off of a novel called Ware the Marquess as is the wont of the Destiel Harlequin Challenge. Very good challenge to check out; very excellent fic to read. And the author so nice we listed them twice. ;) SIDE NOTE: This is totally one of those Regency ones where It Simply Isn’t Done, if you know what I mean. Like, no one is outright slurring or something that I can recall (and it isn’t tagged so I doubt there is), but it Isn’t Done, But They Love Each Other Very Much.

So you guys know Scoobynatural is my comfort episode, right? Well, one of my favorite things that I’ve delightfully discovered is the trope of building off of Cas’ one-liner about being effin’ married, so have The Nikkah by Maxine (WinchesterPooja) 28k!

Reads like a Case-fic as there’s an entire sub-plot happening with Sam. So this story happens well within the canon despite being canon-divergent. This one does end happy!! There’s a view episode like fics I might rec that end in canon-fashion with Dean repression and I love the pining and all but sometimes I need sweet fandom closure. Long and short of it: Djinn culture? Djinn queen? Fake-relationships? Sam dealing with nightmares? This baby can fit SO MUCH ACTION into a fic.

Okay, so you know the fic with the Bee Movie allegory? (It’ll come up on this reclist.) This has the same vibe, except for the relationship is out of order and Dean is Diagnosed with If I Do It This Way It’s Okay. Yeah, it’s Command Me to Be Well by prosopopeya 28k

Human Cas, back from the dead, post-finale, and Dean is trying to figure out how to get his happy ending. I’ve seen this one make the rounds on fic rec’ing so I think it’s a bit familiar, but I enjoyed it. Even though—as my bookmark says—I usually don’t go in for hurt/comforts with heavy on the hurt because my poor heart can’t take it. This is one of my few exceptions. This one has a healthy dose of Castiel standing up for himself with the bittersweet tang of him literally willing to do so much for Dean. But it’s a Dean perspective, so it really deals with a lot of his inner thoughts.

This one is,,,, in a similar vein as Command Me to Be Well. I guess I was in a mood. Baby, Come On Home by woodenducks 9k.

IT’S SEASON NINE WITH A SIDE OF PINE. What more could you ask for angst? Human Cas in Rexford trying to make a life for himself when all he wants is to go home. But he’s also trying to figure out what home even is for him. There’s a lot of drama between Dean and Cas, because of course Dean wants him there. But blah blah angels and blah blah whatever excuse the writers wanted so we couldn’t have human Cas and Dean in the bunker. We KNOW obviously the only thing keeping canon Dean from snapping was the fact that Cas was not human around him. *heavy eyeroll*. Anyways, this is a heartbreaking read from Castiel’s perspective.

One of my favorite Rescue Cas from the Empty fics is (they'll never break) the shape we take by auroralynches (teresavampa) 9k.

There’s this super cool concept of how Castiel experiences his regrets within the Empty and how Dean navigates through them to get to Castiel. I really enjoyed it, and of course the greatest love story ever told has got to have SOME theatrics and sentiments that are definitely reflected in this fic. My point is, I really love when Empty Rescue fics include analyzing Castiel’s regrets, and this one does so but from Dean’s perspective. As in Dean is viewing Castiel’s memories and trying to perceive his regrets.

Sooooo Epistolary by tiamatv 9k eh?

I love love LOVEEEEEE epistolary fics. I love them. I’ll always read them. And I totally told you I loved tiamatv. This is probably another one for the top ten fics just because it plays into my things. Love letters, music, and misunderstandings, oh my!!

HERE’S A VERY SEXY TERRIBLE LIFE ----> Ties that Bind Us by TheTwistedWillow 13k

Okay, so BASICALLY what if It’s A Terrible Life happened in like, circa-season 13 and Castiel was thrown in with Dean Smith and Sam Wesson. Literally all that I wanted in this fic. I do mean it’s sexy, by the way. I can’t even begin to explain this fic beyond it’s Castiel’s perspective, and he has some awareness that something is off. And being inside Castiel’s head when he’s not Castiel gets me every time.

OKAY I KNOW THIS IS THE THIRD A/B/O FIC ON THIS LIST I KNOW I KNOW The Mills School for Distinguished Girls by SillyBlue 13k IS WORTH IT THOUGH?!?!

Alpha Dean Winchester is going off to war. In the meantime, his family still doesn’t know about his marriage to Omega Castiel (in fact, they still think Castiel is a Beta.) Male Omegas are very rare in this universe, and it is addressed along with the fact that just because Castiel might look different on the outside doesn’t make him any different than the girls. Which I thought was a thought-provoking interpretation. There’s prejudices here—a lot of them against women and omegas—and a temporary character death which actually moved me to tears. I bookmarked this saying bring the tissues; bring the tissues.

THE BEE MOVIE FIC THE BEE MOVIE FIC THE BEE MOVI— according to all known laws of life by sobsicles 29k sobsicles I owe you a great slice of pie.

Sobsicles, my beloved, my bestie <3 (am I allowed to say that? I mean it affectionately. Well and truly.) You REALLY got in my head with this one. This is literally such an insane read that I read it twice in a row. Yeah, whoops. Cas is back from the empty and Dean is an asshole about it because feelings are hard. Here is what I bookmarked this fic with: “Dean Winchester has issues. He gets through them. Like a Bull in a China Shop, but he gets through them. The metaphor works.” And that is EXACTLY what happens. Dean is such an asshole and I LOVE IT. 14yr me would cry at the concept of reading this but 14yr me is a tasteless bitch. This is where it’s at. Dean has so much he’s mentally working through and Cas won’t take no shit and Sam is tired. It’s great. I love it. I know we rec sobsicles left and right over here (and I know there’s a new one I haven’t read yet) but this one is really my favorite. And I know some people feel uncertain when fics/authors get popular in a fandom, so if this isn’t for you that’s okay!! But well and truly this is just one of those in the top ten Destiel fics of my heart.

Baby Jack during the Widower Arc truther here like Trial and Tribulations of Raising a Nephilim by Sickandtiredofyou 14k

I’ve seen this one rec’d before but not enough. Like this one SHOULD be talked about. Because I am a Baby Jack Truther, and putting a baby in the widower arc is my literal weakness. Dean goes crib shopping. He paints the nursery. He does that season 2&3 thing he does where he wrecks something so that he has to rebuild it. He’s mourning. He’s crying. Sam is afraid to hold a baby. There’s a lot of emotions and they’re raw. Promise there’s a happy ending, but be ready to cry first.

Another sam pov because i love my little brother Letters to Nowhere by Goodluckdetective (scorpiontales) 28k

AWWW YES. So this is another Empty Rescue fic. This one plays up the Orpheus and Eurydice lore, but in a surprising twist this is Sam’s POV!! Sam doesn’t know the full story, and we as the audience aren’t granted omnipresence for this fic either. It’s just point blank is his emotions. Him worrying for Dean, missing Cas, and wanting a happy ending for all of them. It’s sort of epistolary with how Sam is texting Castiel’s phone, but in general it is Sam Winchester wanting to save both of his brothers. So despite it being Destiel, the Destiel is almost the background ship since this story is Sam’s story and how Sam witnesses their story. It’s pretty meta in that sense, in that he’s aware there’s this grand story going on and we as an audience know there’s this grand love story happening, but we’re reading Sam’s story.

One of those i mentioned where its like an episode and they just end with tension between them >:((( but SO enjoyable and very much like an actual MotW Soul Searching by Lottiethroughthelookingglass 13k

It is in a screenplay format, but I didn’t mind that. It’s definitely a fun read! I thought the characterizations were pretty grand all-in-all. No get together though in this one if you’re looking for Destiel. Sorry. But it does make its way on to the list because we deserved a body swap episode and never got it.

This is like the third fic by tia and im not sorry and it’s Filoplume by tiamatv 8k !!!!

Its SOULMATES BAYBEEEE!!! But it’s not destined Soulmates. It’s like… soul compatibility, but only AFTER you’ve forged the bond. Self-Made Soulmates as it were. Very achingly and lovingly sentimental. Like, I think I’ve read this one four times in one week? It’s the shortest rec on this list (and while I definitely have shorter works bookmarked, I wanted this rec list to be longer ones for some reason I guess) but it feels longer. Maybe because every paragraph is like a gut punch. egGH. It’s another Empty Rescue by-the-by and Dean’s soulmark (given to him by Cas after Castiel’s Despair Confession) helps get him into the Empty.

OHOHOH LEVERAGE AU!!?! The Jericho Job by giantteenwolforgy 20k

The first in a series and I am SO EXCITED FOR MORE. I absolutely adore Leverage, so seeing this was like clearing my skin with care products I’ve never used. The characterizations are amazingly well done and vivid. They feel so unbelievably real and it makes me an eager beaver to get to the meat of them connecting as a team and family, but the slow burn is well worth it.

Yes, yes, Dean needs him, and need = love for Dean’s vocab but what does dEAN WANT and what does want mean to Dean? Find out in if you try sometimes, well you just might find by JenTheSweetie 9k

I’ve always been a huge fan of metas that dissect Dean’s differeniation of need vs want, and this whole work was like one of those metas. It’s a Cas POV of him trying to figure out how to read this man that he knows so well. It pulls out the angst and it makes me ache, but promises there IS a happy ending and Dean WANTS it.

Shush you know you want Goodbye Stranger meets Detroit: Become Human you knOW YOU WANT IT Digital Heartbeat by Chancy_Lurking 14k

MHM IT’S SO GOOD. Talk about good characterization. This work is almost a time piece? There’s a few skips in the timeline but you get the good parts and what’s needed for a full narrative. Castiel is an android sent by Cyberlife to the Men of Letters for aiding in hunting. He’s—of course—assigned to the brothers Winchester.

Shush delicious content right here mwah Heartstring Promenade by SaltyWords (agent4hire22) 17k

Another Empty Rescue?!? Yeah, yeah it is. Dean is sort of reckless. And by that, I mean a lot. But it’s fine. All happy endings, and smutty endings too. ;))

This is one of two 36-questions inspired fics I’ve got bookmarked, but the sex in this one hits my preferences too perfectly so it gets the spot and this list is getting too long to include all of my bookmarks to include both of them anyways but Seek to Know You Better by ahurston 32k mhmmmmmm

This fic is very personal to me. I couldn’t explain even if you asked me to. It might be the Florida Citrus Tree expressionism in Cas’ thoughts, but idk it's such a mystery (the way you know me) by fleeceframe 20k has got it on the list.

Cas loses his memories for a short period of time. Dean and Sam introduce Castiel to Cas, and Dean and Cas have a heart to heart. <3

A vERY interesting premise in a fool's kind of careless by Paclipas 9k

Dean is SUPER off his game when he can’t tell the difference between Cas and Not-Cas over the summer. Canon-fic.

A FIC FROM 2018?!?! WITH TIME TRAVEL??!? Ye ye it is Crazy Diamonds by pantheon_of_discord 24k

Dean of 2018, married to Castiel, swaps places with his newly dragged from Hell 2008 self. Time shenanigans and Bobby Frickin’ Singer ensue.

This one is ONE I AM OBSESSED WITH ACTUALLY And Neither Do You by callsigntango 45k like if it's not the one everyone starts talking about :((( is SO GROSS how callsigntango describes the empty and i lOOOVEEEE ITTTTT. Also plays into a Florida myth I totally forgot about so high-key freaked me out. Hahah.

[samsoleil]

3 17 23 for the spn asks. Please tag me @boykingsofhell so I see your answers <3

ask game

Thank you sm @boykingsofhell !! Putting question 3 at the end so that I can put my essay under the cut.

17. What’s an aspect of SPN people often point to as a flaw that you really enjoy?

the finale was good actually

Okay so. a lot of the flaws that people see in spn have been resolved in various posts about hbo spn but. something specific that people tend to want to resolve in hbo spn that I actually enjoy as-is is how the relationship between characters and religion. There is something to be said about religious trauma but there is also something very powerful about creating the space to analyse it without braining the audience with it. Cas off-handedly saying "Sam is, of course, an abomination" has stuck with me since age 13 (7 years!! heck!!) because it's casually said once and then almost never again, and we the audience are able to extrapolate the effects of that ourselves. Yes, it could be explored more, but I fear what it could have been in the wrong hands.

On a similar track, Supernatural suggests parallels between Sam and Dean and faith in an absent father, one for Dean and one for Sam, where

Dean has blind faith in John while Sam demands autonomy

Sam has desperate faith in God while Dean rejects the concept

but it doesn't demand that you Look at it. Sam doesn't need to carry a rosary to communicate his faith. He doesn't need to beg on his knees in the mud to demonstrate that he wants to be saved. Faith and doubt are integral parts of their character. The change in their faith and their doubt is interwoven in their character development.

23. If you could forget all of spn, would you watch it again? Why/why not?

Yes. Partly because I only have one brain cell and I share it with a friend of mine, partly because, despite everything, Supernatural has brought me a lot of joy at points in my life where I have had very little of it.

3. TFW: Sam, Dean, or Cas stan? I wanna hear your dissertation :)

I am a bitter Sam fan since (at latest) June 2015 (at earliest, mid 2014) and I will not apologise. I actually had to take a break after season 10 because seasons 6 to 10 made me so mad!! I couldn't do it anymore! 

Quick explanation for this is because I relate to Sam a lot and am also an eldest sibling, which means I can both project onto Sam and feel ridiculously affectionate towards him. 13yo me saw this 22yo and thought, is anyone gonna love this? and didn’t wait for an answer.

Long explanation below the cut.

Sam is my fave for a great deal many reasons but I'll try to summarise it in three points:

Excellent narrative

Relatable character

Wonderful to watch

1. Narrative

Sam has the most compelling storyline and character arcs of anyone in Supernatural. His storylines are compelling, multifaceted, and incredibly interesting to analyse.  Finding evidence for this can be easily done through the following steps:

watch the show

Sam is a story of someone who has responded to intense trauma due to circumstances beyond his control by choosing to be kind and compassionate. This is someone who has been told by everyone he knows that he is a monster not worth saving, and took that and turned it into a determination to make sure that nobody would ever feel that way again. In the earlier seasons, Sam defines himself by his anger while others define him by preconceived notions about his character. And he spends his entire life proving everyone, including himself, wrong. That he can be defined by his actions, rather than what he is or what people think of him. This is not only the best but also the only consistent narrative theme, which is very powerful of him.

He is a story of someone struggling to maintain his autonomy in a world that is determined to take it from him, and with that autonomy he decides to better the world around him. Interwoven in his character is the belief that your actions define who you are. And it isn't something that is easy for him to believe! It's a choice that he makes, sometimes rather desperately, that defines him just as much as any other choice. Which is why it's also SO interesting that Sam's autonomy is so frequently violated - because he believes that his actions define who he is, but so often his choices aren’t respected and he isn't the one in control of his actions.

2. Projection

All the above things are excellent reasons for why Sam is a good comfort character. Not actually because he's having a terrible time. But conceptually, he is strongly tied to the ideas that

people might say you are inherently bad, but they are incorrect

sometimes terrible stuff happens to you and that's not your fault

(this one only works if you love sam like I do) you can struggle with mental illness and still be loved

which are very comforting ideas. I feel comforted.

Furthermore, Sam is specifically a very comforting character for people who are queer, have siblings, and/or are religious. As a queer person, I'd like to point out that Sam is an excellent queer allegory.  Being told you're inherently wrong because of who you are and internalising it because the people you care about have said it? Being ostracised by your family because your fundamental character is different to what they planned for you? Feeling like you can't be honest with the people around you because if they knew who you really were, they would think differently of you? Also, he's gender. And apparently his gender on his licence was F on the official website so he has canonical evidence for being trans. He/they Sam. Gender neutral language for his past partners. Sam’s queer is what I’m getting at

And, importantly for me (and Dean), Sam is the person everyone with eldest daughter syndrome wishes they could be. He was distanced enough from his parental figure that he could cut through the veil of psychological manipulation to see the rotten core of abuse underneath. And he knows it! Early season Sam stands up for himself against his dad (and Dean) time and time again. Mid season Sam stands up for himself against the actual devil. Late season Sam stands up for himself against God himself. I want that for myself. I want to believe in my right to autonomy that strongly.

3. I am Looking

Listen. We all know that Sam and his character development was tossed to the wayside a bit (a lot) after... S7, I would say. But Jared Padalecki has fed us well. Even when Sam has no lines, he still has personality and character and thoughts and feelings and they're right there! on his face! in his whole body! He shows what he's feeling with everything he has, written on every inch of his skin, he responds so vibrantly to everything and it just feels so so real. Sam responds so emotionally and physically to the things that happen around him and it is just. so wonderful to watch. I am just full of affection for this character!!

Also. good to look at. I'm ace and Sam is the closest I have ever come to understanding the allo experience. Thanks for listening.

[lazywitchling]

Dabbler’s Week - research proposal edition

I say “Research proposal” because this isn’t so much going to be what I’d ACTUALLY use as a guide, it’s just the STRUCTURE I’d use to write the guide, and why I chose what I did. For a little background on what the hell is going on, see @asksecularwitch‘s post here.

Monday - Spellwork

What: A simple candle-and-petition-paper spell. Dabbler chooses what they want, but with the instruction that it is straightforward, specific, and tangible. The Drake-Meme format would be: “I want to increase my wealth” ✋ - “I want ten bucks in the coming week” 👈 The spell is written out exactly as performed, really hand-holdy, Do This, Then This, Next This, Finally This.

Why: Look, if I were brand new and gonna pick a “dabble in witchcraft for a week” thing, I’d want to start out doing some effin’ witchcraft. So we’ll start with casting a spell. It’s written super hand-holdy because at the beginning, you really just want some step-by-step instructions on what to do. Also a week is a good time frame to give a spell, and casting it at the beginning gives it a chance to manifest by the end of the week. And FURTHERMORE, it’s a surprise tool that will help us later...

Tuesday - Cleansing a Space

What: Dabbler picks out a space to cleanse, told that the space they choose will be made into a sacred space tomorrow. They will play music of their choosing (with a few suggestions to get them started, just so nobody’s floundering, aka “relaxing yoga music, or something loud and peppy, your favorite childhood song, a meme song that makes you laugh, etc.”) while they also mundanely clean the space.

Why: Cleansing is one of those Cornerstone Witchy Things that everyone talks about offhandedly, like “cleanse your space after this spell”, and giving the Dabbler a simple way of doing that is a good first tool to have in their bag. Music is freely available, and it’s customizable, and playing music while doing a mundane cleaning associates the Magical Cleaning with the Mundane Cleaning in their mind, so they get a sense of “clean vibes” as related to “clean space”. Sidenote: the space can be a shelf, a box, a corner of the room, whatever. Might have some notes in there about other things they can add to their cleansing, like the usual magical washes or sprays, lighting a candle, or whatever. Nothing too complicated at this point, though, we’re still taking baby steps.

Wednesday - Creating a Sacred Space

What: The Dabbler picks out items they already have on hand to create a sacred space in the area that was cleansed the day before (the shelf, box, corner, whatever). Sacred here meaning “Set apart; special”, not necessarily “holy; religious”. Dabbler is encouraged to decorate and arrange things until they feel it has the proper vibe.

Why: This is to encourage the Dabbler to think about the mundane things around their own home, and how those things can be magical just by Deciding That They Are. The idea is not necessarily to create an Altar, though it can also work as practice for that should the Dabbler later choose to have one. In my own practice, I don’t have a permanent Sacred Space, because it doesn’t really fit what I do or how I live. But I tried making some when I first started, and I think it was an important learning point. Now, when I feel that I DO need a sacred space, I’m able to whip one up with whatever is around, and I think that’s a great skill to have. It’s helpful to know and feel what “Sacred” or “Special” feels like to the individual, what it takes for you to really vibe with a space or setting. My spaces are more about reining in my hyperactive brain and creating a boundary for it to focus on, not about creating a holy circle of ground, but I know what that distinction feels like BECAUSE of the times I dabbled in creating sacred spaces. This is when your brain gets to learn what It’s Witchin’ Time feels like.

Thursday - Herbal Correspondences

What: The Dabbler goes to their own kitchen or garden and picks out three spices, herbs, and/or flowers (that they 100% know what they are). At this point, it isn’t necessary to actually gather them, just to write down what is easily accessible at that moment. They then check out the Wikipedia article on their chosen herbs, and build their own correspondence list from that article.

Why: “Whoa whoa whoa, Jes, why are you suggesting Wikipedia??” Oh easy. Because it’s accessible, it’s free, and it’s not witchy. Wikipedia gets a bad rap as a resource for a variety of reasons, but for what it does, it does well. It’s an encyclopedia, so it is by nature a surfacey resource. That’s okay. That’s all we need right now. Instead of googling magical correspondences of cinnamon and finding 1000+ lists that all copied from a copy of a copy of a copy of Crowley and then not knowing WHY that thing has that correspondence, the Dabbler is going to learn to make their own by starting a (very basic) relationship with that herb. Example: I was trying to research magical correspondences of base oils, but everything I found was one-word answers, most of which was “fertility”. Which was... entirely not helpful. So I set out to make my own. Specific example: I looked into castor oil (according to “magickal” sources, it’s correspondence is simply “protection”), but my mundane research taught me that it’s been used for hydraulic and brake fluids, used in food preservation, sold as a laxative, and historically has been used as torture and humiliation (with the laxative effect, I’m sure you can figure out exactly how). Well NOW we’re getting somewhere, because now I associate it with “getting things moving”, whether in a negative or positive way. Having the Dabbler learn to do mundane research like this helps strengthen their relationship with what they use, teaches them that they can research their own materials without needing another Witch (or an Amazon Lisa) to do it for them, and teaches them that they can use what they have on hand rather than consulting a magical list of things they don’t have and wondering where the hell they’re supposed to buy white willow bark.

Friday - Divination

What: The Dabbler will gather small trinkets that they already have and collect them in a box or bag. They then ask questions (possibly with the aid of a list of suggested questions?) and draw a trinket (or cast a couple, if they’re feeling adventurous!) and interpret.

Why: I love Tarot as much as the next witch, but it’s not always practical for the starting witch. And in my experience, I can be dragged just as hard by my trinkets as I can by my traditional tarot decks. Gathering trinkets is (again, as you’re starting to see a theme, I hope) a way to use what is already on hand. And after the Wikipedia exercise from the previous day, the Dabbler should have a little bit of practice in thinking about associations. The action figure their nephew left at their house can mean “lost” but it can also mean “found”, or it’s Spiderman and means “responsibility” or Wonder Woman means “truth”, etc.

Saturday - Crafting a Charm

What: The Dabbler will create a simple charm (most likely a protective one, but I’m not married to the idea). They’ll use their own skills to hand make something tangible, however simple it may be. Could be crafting a keychain using their beading skills, or embroidering a small design onto their jeans pocket, or as simple as wrapping a colored thread around a ring they wear. Whatever it is, it will be a thing that they make with their hands.

Why: We’re falling away from the railroad guidelines at this point in the week, and encouraging the Dabbler to start thinking on their own about what they can do. There’s still suggestions so they don’t get totally lost, but it’s far less hand-holdy than the first spell of the week. With two whole exercises about thinking through associations of things, hopefully they can start to come to conclusions on their own (”You know, I think I’ll hang a safety pin from the keychain, because that just Feels Right to me” or “This string should be blue, because that’s the color of my protective gloves at work”). And the second purpose of the charm is... it’s a tangible thing. It’s a souvenir. If at the end of the week the Dabbler decides that they had fun but witchcraft isn’t for them, cool. But maybe three years down the line, they find that keychain they made during Witch Camp Week, and they think “Oh hey, I remember doing that...” and perhaps it comes to them at exactly the time they need it and they decide to pick it up again. (Or they find it and go “lol that wasn’t for me” and chuck it in the trash. Failure is always an option!)

Sunday - Spellwork Redux

What: Get in losers, we’re casting the same spell again. Well, not the SAME spell, but the same sort. That candle spell from the beginning of the week? The Dabbler will now repeat it with similar purpose. BUT, this time they are to modify the spell somehow. Even less guidelines here now. Maybe they want to perform the spell in their sacred space. Maybe they want to cleanse before performing it. Maybe they want to sprinkle some herbs on the candle, or steep some herbs in hot water and use a brush to write on the paper. Whatever they do is theirs to decide.

Why: EXPERIMENTATION. Really, how often do any of us see a cool spell and then perform it EXACTLY AS WRITTEN? I don’t know about you, but I always always always have to modify it somehow, whether it’s to fit what I have, fit my paradigm, or just because personalization is important in my craft. Redoing the spell with a little bit of tweaking means the Dabbler gets to close off the week with a little more of that Witches Casting Spells stuff that they probably expected, but with a chance to see how they can change it now, how they can make it more suited to them, or how they think it might work better. Maybe it will work better. Maybe it will be worse. Either way is a result.

Conclusion - or the TL;DR

Guidelines at the beginning of the week, transitioning to more creative freedom by the end of the week. Heavy encouragement of using what’s freely on hand and easily accessible, rather than buying specialty materials that may or may not be helpful or ever used again (not to mention could be hella expensive). Some spells, because let’s be honest, some people just really really want the spellz. And mundane research, because it’s too often neglected even among the veteran witches.

[legolaslovely]

Warm

A/N: Huzzah for another almost 5k word Iolaus story! I love him to freaking pieces and apparently this is how I deal. And Thank you to @nerdbirdsworld​ for your precious help and encouragement, always and with this fic! Thank you to all of you friends who have never seen anything Hercules related and still religiously read these stories, it is so exciting for me and means the world. Sending you love! **MAKE SURE TO READ THE WARNINGS, FRIENDS.**

Pairing: Specifically Man Bun Iolaus x Reader

Word Count: 4,951

****Warnings: Violence- physical blood and gore, torture and torment of the mind more than physically? language warning, angst, reader near death, Ares and Strife being assholes, all ends in fluffity fluff do you guys know me AT ALL?

Summary: (Y/N) sacrifices herself to save Iolaus and the boys have to find her and save her.

A/N PS: A picture of my love for your viewing pleasure before we get on with the story now that you’ve read the warnings. Promise? Okay let’s go.

(Y/N) turned the crisp page of the herb and spice book she’d borrowed from Fiducious and reveled a bit in the scent that rose to her nose. After a bustling week of exams, drills and lessons, she finally had a few hours to herself to relax. She easily ignored the stiff golden twigs of hay poking into her neck as she lay in the silent loft of the barn. This was her hiding place where she planned to stay until she was so ravenous, her growling stomach forced her to walk to Kora’s for a well deserved treat. Or maybe she’d bargain with Iolaus to bring her something that would stick to her bones for the rest of the day. She turned the next page in the thick book.

“(Y/N)! (Y/N), are you in here?”

She groaned when she recognized Jason’s voice. Closing the book and rolling to the edge of the loft, she said, “Yes, I’m here.” She straightened when she saw sweat glistening over his forehead and neck. It seemed to magnify the red marks on his arms and knuckles that would soon develop into blue and purple bruises. “What’s happened?”

Around heavy breaths, he said, “Iolaus. Ares has Iolaus.”

The herbs and spice book was forgotten in the hay as she climbed down the ladder to the floor. In her rising panic, her foot missed one of the rungs and she hung by her hands for a moment before she leapt to the ground. “Are you okay?” she asked Jason. When he nodded wildly, she asked where Hercules was.

“Trying to find Chieron,” he said.

She shook her head, dashing to the south side of the barn where some of the cadets’ weapons were stored. “He has yet to return. Fiducious said he’ll be here for lessons tomorrow, but not before.” She threw her quiver over her shoulder, tightening the strap at her chest before grabbing her bow. Jason followed her out of the barn and called for Hercules who was soon running to their side.

“Tell me what happened,” (Y/N) said to Hercules. She took his hand and examined the blood over his knuckles. He ripped it away.

“I’m fine,” he said. “Strife and Discord, they lured him into a trap. They’re trying to get to me.”

“Where are they?” she asked, turning to the horses outside the stables. She flung a set of reins off a post and lifted them over one of the mare’s ears.  

“Hephaestus’ old cave. Where he stayed before he found the forge. Those are Chieron’s horses, what are you doing?” Hercules said, watching (Y/N) leap to the mare’s bare back.

The horse backtracked in apprehension, able to feel the distress in her rider. (Y/N) skillfully circled the post as she spoke. “I think he’d understand our borrowing them to save one of his cadets from the god of war.” She nudged the mare’s barreled stomach with her heel, but Hercules grabbed the reins. 

“(Y/N), just-just wait. We don’t have a plan-”

“We don’t have time to stand around and make plans!”

“One of your arrows won’t stop Ares,” Jason said.

“What are you going to do?” Hercules asked.

She whipped the reins out of his hand. “I’ll figure it out when I get there.” She yelled to the horse and squeezed her thighs around the healthy body until thundering hooves blocked out her friend’s protests. 

Her mind was blank as she rode through the forest. The wind played with her braided hair and bit at her bare fingers as she expertly weaved her steed through the winding trees, struggling to keep her balance on the bare, speeding horse. She dug her heels under the mare’s belly as she leapt over a fallen log and slowed suddenly to turn and leave her rider near the dark, stone cave. (Y/N) slid off, feeling her knees buckle as she hit the ground. She steadied herself, ran a hand over the mare’s neck and slapped her hind quarters, sending her back to the academy.

(Y/N) slid an arrow from the quiver over her shoulder and readied herself to fire. The ground was soft underfoot and she silently toed to the entrance of the cave where she crouched and peered into the darkness. She heard Ares before she saw him. 

“That little twerp is going to lead my half-brother right to us,” he said.

Strife was in the cave as well, (Y/N) recognized his high whine. “And then you’re gonna kill him!”

“No! You idiot.”  

(Y/N) barely heard what Ares said next, but she guessed it was some kind of threat mixed with a half-witted plan that wouldn’t go well. His voice continued to rumble and she took this chance to creep further into the cave. With her back to the stone, she peeked over her shoulder and winced once her eyes adjusted to the bright light shining from the ceiling in the center of the cavern.

There was Iolaus, drenched in sweat, grime and bruises. He dangled by the chains which were wrapped too tightly around his wrists, toes barely touching the stone ground. The bright light shone over his golden hair that covered his face as he leaned forward, exhausted and afraid. Helpless.

“We have a visitor,” Ares said.

The utter rage in (Y/N)’s veins was replaced by electricity, excruciating and scalding. Her limbs were thrust straight out from her body as she was lifted into the air by Ares’ power. It took all her strength to hold onto her bow as he brought her further into the cave and closer to him. One by one, her fingers flew open until only her thumb and forefinger grasped her weapon. 

“This is not who I was expecting,” Ares said, perfect white teeth bared and shining. 

Distantly, (Y/N) heard Iolaus say her name. His voice was thick with disbelief and weakness and it shot even more pain through her chest. Unable to move her body, she watched him out of her peripheral. As her strength was being drained, his was returning. His eyes burned with defiance and he wriggled and yanked at his bonds, renewed hope dancing in his features.

“Let her go!” he yelled.

Ares shook his head, rolling his eyes at Strife’s maniacal laughter. “This is too much fun.”

(Y/N) snarled through her clenched jaw, trying to pull her limbs back into her body. It was as if her hands were magnetically opposed to each other. She felt her muscles strain and tendons tear, tears welled in her eyes, but she managed to nock her arrow. Stretch, aim, loose, then straight into Ares’ hand. The electricity shocked through her anew before she landed on the ground with a hard thud, his power draining from her as he tore her arrow from his godly hand. He bared his teeth once more, this time without a smile. 

“How dare you!” He bellowed, throwing his arms back before sending his power her way again. She dodged the blue lightening, rolling to the ground and back to her feet. Again, he shot his storm toward her, but this time, she was shielded. 

“You were supposed to wait for us,” Hercules said from her side as he blocked Ares’ blow with his wooden shield from the academy. 

“Come on, Herc,” she said with a smirk. “I wait for no man.”

“Time, tide and (Y/N).”

A harsh blow sent the shield hurdling into the pair. They flew through the air until their backs crashed against the stone wall of the cave. (Y/N) gripped her ribs, gasping for air with flattened lungs. Through the tears in her eyes, she could see Iolaus frantically pulling at his chains. She darted to him, bent over for lack of air and dodging the flying blows from Ares as he fended off both Hercules’ and Jason’s attacks. 

When (Y/N) reached Iolaus, her hands found his sides, his arms, his chest, anything she could touch to comfort him. “Iolaus-” She hissed at the pain in her shoulder as she reached for the chains.

“Are you all right?” he asked, brows glued together and dimples showing in a wince of concern.

“Me? Just fine. Are you?”

He scoffed. “Just fine.”

She bit back another sharp, pained inhale and examined the lock above his head. “Can’t let you out of my sight for a moment, can I?”

“Let me guess, you were reading? Sorry to have disturbed you.”

“You owe me.”

“I’ll make it up to you.” He was smirking at her as if they were in the barn of the academy instead of in a cave with a vengeful and violent god trying to kill them. The curve of his lips soon fell. “Herc!”

(Y/N) turned over her shoulder to see Hercules roll in pain on the hard floor of the cavern. Jason was lying unconscious on the north side near the entrance. 

“And now for the brat,” Ares said, chuckling wickedly before holding his sparking, blue hand in the air.

(Y/N) spun to face him, standing in front of Iolaus. She nocked an arrow and aimed straight for the god.

“You can’t beat me,” Ares said.

Hercules tried to stand and fell to the ground, clutching his side with a bleeding hand. She was alone now, except for the suspended prisoner behind her. She retreated until her aching arm met Iolaus’ chest- solid and warm.

“Then let me take his place,” she said.

Iolaus roared. 

She dropped her weapon, wincing as her muscles twitched and shifted.

Ares grinned. “What a good little girl.” He snapped his fingers and Iolaus’ chains rang out as they dropped to the stone below her feet. 

She whirled, catching Iolaus’ chest as he fell to the floor. Shining metal shackles  appeared around her own wrists and she yanked her hands from his vest, out of his view.

“You can’t do this,” he said.

She smiled. “It’s already done.” She blinked, frustrated at her brimming eyes. “And besides, you’ll find me.”

“No one will find you where I’m taking you,” Ares said, but (Y/N)’s eyes never left Iolaus’.

He shook his head, golden curls shaking about. “(Y/N)-”

She lifted her fingers to his smooth jaw, ignoring the clinking chains. “You’ll find me.” 

“How do you know I’ll be able to?”

“Because I refuse to live a life without you in it.” 

She kissed him. He fell into it as if being suspended for that long affected his sense of gravity and he was being pulled by a new force. Something warm and soft and safe. (Y/N). He hated himself for closing his eyes because when he opened them, she was gone.

***

(Y/N) was also alone when she opened her eyes. All she could see was a galaxy of black. It took long moments for her eyes to adjust from Iolaus’ bright blue gaze and golden waves to the extreme darkness that now lie in front of her like a bottomless pit. She shifted against the heavy chains over her wrists and the metal glinted and clinked as she moved. A hiss escaped her when her back collided with what she guessed was stone. It was scalding hot, leaving sizzling skin in its wake. Tiny embryos of dread and panic grew into slithering demons that controlled her every thought as sweat dripped down her face and gathered in the hollow of her neck and the small of her back. Could Ares... did he actually have the power to bring her to Tartarus?

Her stomach flipped, begging to jump from her throat and escape, leaving her alone in this underworld. The already low hopes she had simmered to nothing. If she was in Tartarus, no one could save her, not even Zeus himself. She squeezed her fingers together, clicking the nails anxiously to stop her tears from catching in her throat. She couldn’t loose what water she had to useless tears. 

It was impossible to know how much time had passed- there wasn’t even a glimmer of light from the outside world- from any other world. She didn’t know if it was day or night, all she knew was that her exhausted, dehydrated body pushed her to lie down on the hot rock and sleep some time away. She rolled to her side, wincing at the shoulder injury she’d sustained trying to save Iolaus. Iolaus. 

She’d barely closed her eyes before cool hands were shaking her awake. “(Y/N)! Wake up.”

Her eyes snapped open, seeing first a glowing white smile and then brilliant blue eyes. She was lifted to her feet like a rag doll. “Iolaus?” She reached for his face. He was real.

“That’s my name, don’t wear it out,” he said. He smiled at her like a machine.

“You- you found me,” she said. His arms were like ice around her despite the onyx fire roaring behind them. “You’ve come to get me? To get me out of here?” Her fingers ran over the oasis of his full lips and she marveled at their frozen texture. Tears of relief streamed down her cheeks. “You came for me.”

“No.”

“W-what?”

He took her chin. “No one’s come to save you because nobody cares.” He grinned before his face froze blue with frost and cracked, shattering like glass and landing on her hands, cutting her. Wicked, thin fingers clamped onto her arms when she tried to run away. “They gave up on you. They will never find you.” Iolaus’ honeyed voice grew shrill with every word and his golden hair was scorched to black. 

“Strife,” (Y/N) spat. “Get away from me!”

With that, the god vanished but his maniacal cackling echoed off the stone around her as she curled into a ball and tried to think of the Iolaus she knew.  

***

Iolaus stared at the fingers he let (Y/N) slip through. He should have held on, sacrificed himself. He should have never left the academy that day. Then none of this would have happened, (Y/N) would be by his side as she always was. 

“She’s gone,” he said.

Hercules rolled off the ground and limped over to Jason who was finally coming around to consciousness. Harsh breaths and grunts echoed in the tavern as two glued themselves together and one fell further apart. 

“(Y/N)!” Iolaus screamed towards the sky with a force that burned his throat. “Bring her back! Come down here and fight me!” He picked up her bow and quiver, feeling where her hands had smoothed the wood about the grip. “Cowards! You’re all cowards!”

“Iolaus, we’ll get her back,” Hercules said with Jason leaning on his arm. 

“How? How do we even know where he took her? What he’s doing to her?” His voice shattered at the thought. He dashed out of the cave, ignoring his friends’ protests and the bright light that struck his eyes. “You had no right to take her!” he screamed. He looked to the bow in his hands- this thing that shouldn’t survive while she was gone. 

Footsteps from behind him pulled him from his thoughts. “Where’d he take her? Can’t you- you’re related, can’t you feel it or something?” he asked Hercules.

“He’s not telepathic, Iolaus,” Jason said. “And even if we knew where Ares went, how are we going to take down a god? It’s impossible.”

Hercules took the bow from Iolaus and studied it with narrow, judging eyes. “It might not be. Follow me.”

***

(Y/N) formed and slaughtered a hundred different escape plans as she sat in the burning darkness. The shackles around her wrists were her first obstacle. In her weakened state, she was unable to break them, unable now to even move them as uncounted hours passed without food or water. As long as she was chained to the rock around her, there was no hope of her escaping... Tartarus. She’d remember where she was and her plans would fizzle to nothing. No one could escape Tartarus. 

Then a soft click, scrape of footsteps. This was new. Since she’d been left here, she’d only seen various forms of Strife and he made no sound when he appeared. Was this Ares? Finally coming to visit her and torture her like he did Iolaus? Until now, he was leaving her alone to starve and boil. Her eyes widened and worked to see through the thick darkness but she was too exhausted to move and change her fate.

“There she is,” she heard in the galaxy of black fire.

A last burst of adrenaline rushed through her when she saw him. Again. But, no, it was impossible. It was only Strife.

“(Y/N). You ready to get out of here?” Leather creaked and tan skin glowed as Iolaus reached out to her. No. Strife reached out to her.

“Get away from me,” she growled.

“(Y/N)?” Jason asked.

Did Strife have the power to shapeshift into two different, complete people simultaneously? She studied Jason. He looked like himself, sounded like himself. But so did Iolaus, who was reaching for her hair. 

“I said get away from me!” she screamed. A hand clamped over her mouth from behind and she bit down hard, drawing blood and a curse from Hercules. No. Strife and Discord. This was all their doing. “Don’t touch me, Strife!”

“If they hear her, the plan’s ruined,” Hercules said.

She cowered from them, her chest heaving. Just as she was about to scream again, Iolaus took her shoulders. “It’s me, (Y/N). It’s Iolaus. I’m not Strife, we’re not here to trick you. We’re here to rescue you.”

“No. No one cares to- he said no one cares.”

“I care. We all care. Look at me, (Y/N).” He was smiling at her. It was different from Strife’s magic, mechanical grin. “It’s me,” he said, placing a warm kiss between her brows.  

Metal shattered behind her. “I got it,” Hercules said, holding the chains he’d ripped free from the rock that kept (Y/N) prisoner. “Let’s get her out of here.” He lifted her shackled hands, looping her arms around Iolaus’ neck so he could carry her.

“But we’re- how did you get here?” she asked, leaning her forehead against Iolaus’ neck that was hot and dripping with sweat- just as he should be. “How did you get to Tartarus? You didn’t-”

“We’re not in Tartarus, (Y/N). We’re in one of Morpheus’ dream worlds.” Iolaus stood, following Hercules and whispering, “We only have to get far enough away from Ares before Chieron will guide us back the way he did with Herc before, remember?”

She hummed, the sound losing pitch and breath. He felt the hot chains against his neck as her arms fell slack around him.

“Herc. Herc, we gotta get her out of here. She’s... we’re losing her.”

Hercules’ hand landed on her back that was soaked through. “We’ll get her out in time. Follow the plan.”

The three rescuers shared a look and a nod before Hercules led the cavalcade through the darkness. Iolaus, in the middle of Hercules and Jason, lost sight of their leader once he was out of arm’s reach. He focused, listening for the soft clink of Hercules’ belt to follow, the soft scrape of Jason’s shoes behind him, and the shallow, labored breaths of the one in his arms. Stay with me, (Y/N), come on, he chanted in his head, not daring to say it aloud, should Ares hear him and their plan be ruined.

The black nothing in front of Iolaus turned into glowing blond hair and a red vest when Hercules halted with a stuck out hand. Then he motioned, waved, and crept along the rock, careful not to touch the scalding surface. They were inching ever closer to the center of the burning underworld. Jason’s hand reached forward until Hercules looked back to receive his questioning eyes. Hercules only nodded. This was where they needed to be.

Iolaus diligently followed, the fury churning in his gut giving him the strength to hold onto (Y/N) despite his aching arms and the sweat beading and pooling in the corners of his eyes. There had been only a few hours between him losing (Y/N) and finding her again, and that was all it took for Ares’ torture to possibly take her life. She grew limp in his arms, as if her bones were melting in the heat. He chanced a quick look and winced at her hallowed cheeks and eyes and yearned to see her smiling at him again.

Once more, Hercules stopped. He turned with wide eyes. This was it. If the four of them could stay hidden here, in the epicenter, Chieron could guide them out of the dream world of Tartarus and back to the Academy. Hercules was the only one who’d done something similar before when Ares first brought him and the cadets to one of Morpheus’ dream worlds. However, the plan was for him to escape last. He set a hand on (Y/N)’s shoulder and nodded to Iolaus.

“You have to be calm and relaxed in order to receive Chieron,” Hercules had told him before they left the academy. “Jason and I will be there to guard you as Chieron guides you through the dream worlds.” Close your eyes. Be calm and relaxed. Listen.

Iolaus did as he was told. He forgot about the impending danger, the gods, the dream worlds. He concentrated on the weight of (Y/N) in his arms, her heat, her smile, her quips, her sacrifice. Distantly, he heard Chieron’s low, smooth voice calling his name. The intense heat of the onyx blaze started to cool, like clusters of clouds licking and kissing his skin, carrying him away. 

“Iolaus,” he heard. “Come this way. Iolaus. Iolaus. Just who I wanted to see. Just who I wanted to see. Iolaus.”

But he was pushed, shoved into the sweltering rock behind him and he felt his back sizzle and burn. He hissed, wrenching open his eyes. He was still in the dream world of Tartarus, and so was (Y/N). Bright blue light blinded him, until Ares came into view.

“Just who I wanted to see! Baby brother came to save his girl.”

Iolaus growled at that and squeezed his girl in his arms. 

“She has nothing to do with this. You want me. Let them go,” Hercules said, putting himself between Ares and Iolaus. 

“She gave herself to me. Voluntarily, might I add. She seemed quite excited to get away from you.” Ares laid out a hand that sparkled and danced with electric power. “We had fun with her, didn’t we Strife?”

The pale, lesser god materialized beside Iolaus with a loud, descending cackle. Thin fingers rolled down (Y/N)’s arm before Iolaus could yank her away and send a harsh kick into Strife’s side, forgetting the god would see it coming and disintegrate. Iolaus staggered until Jason caught him and steadied him. 

“They won’t get away with this,” Jason said lowly. 

“Actually, we will!” Ares said, sending a bolt of power shooting toward Hercules. The half god dodged it and rolled to Iolaus’ side, sending him and (Y/N) further into the epicenter. 

“Get to Chieron. All of you. This is between me and Ares.”

“No one else is sacrificing themselves today,” Iolaus growled, shrugging away Hercules’ strong hand. He glared at Strife who was floating in the corner, cool as ice, dancing and watching Ares as he summoned another ball of electricity. “Watch out, Herc!” Iolaus said, shoving Hercules out of the way of a hurdling blue globe with his shoulder.

He watched helplessly as Hercules ran and flipped out of the way of Ares’ hits. Every blow was focused to him, leaving Jason and Iolaus to carry out the rest of the plan.

“Give it to me,” Iolaus said to Jason. 

“You think you can do it?”

Iolaus passed the unconscious (Y/N) over to Jason who held her easily. “I know I can. She’s been giving me lessons,” Iolaus said, taking the bow off Jason’s shoulders and sliding a single arrow out of the quiver on his belt. Though he didn’t have time, Iolaus took a breath and ran his fingers through (Y/N)’s damp hair before he fell into his stance. 

Hercules was sent plummeting to the ground by one of Ares’ power balls. Strife was encouraged to giggle as Ares stalked closer to his brother, grinning and holding another threatening, life ending nest of fire. He kicked Hercules’ shoulder and he rolled on the ground in agony. 

“Gotcha, little bro.”

“I wouldn’t do that,” Iolaus said, barely moving his lips so as not to alter the arrow he had aimed at Ares. He closed his left eye and inhaled deeply as (Y/N) taught him.

“Have you learned nothing today? You can’t kill a god with an arrow,” Strife said, laughing.

“Not with an ordinary arrow, no. But this arrow has been dipped in Hind’s blood. Which will kill a god. Slowly and painfully,” Iolaus said, thinking of (Y/N)’s voice telling him to push his palm into the bow.

“Oh. Well, that is something,” Strife said, patting his fingertips against his cheek in thought. “Bye Unc!” He called before he vanished completely. 

Ares’ brows fell lower with his nephew’s disappearing act. He glared at Iolaus with a glowing hand. “No one can kill a Hind and survive. Hera would eviscerate you before you could leave her forest.”

“You don’t need to kill a Hind in order to collect enough blood to soak an arrowhead,” Iolaus said, arm aching from the strain of the bow after carrying (Y/N) through the dream world. 

Hercules rolled and stood, grunting on his way up. “You only need a drop, really. And I happen to be friends with one of the only Golden Hind’s left in Hera’s forest.”

Ares stepped back, eyes flicking from Iolaus’ arrow to Hercules’ smirk. “I don’t believe you.”

Iolaus stalked forward, arrow poised to loose. “Do you want to test me?” he ground through his teeth.

The blue sparks in Ares’ hand dimmed until they were extinguished. He retreated, eyes boring like daggers into Hercules’ taunting face. “We’re not done here,” he said.

“We never are.”

Only when he was sure Ares was gone, Iolaus returned the arrow to Jason’s quiver and tucked the bow around his shoulders. “Let’s get her out of here. Chieron will know how to help her.”

***

“How did you find a Hind in time?” (Y/N) asked, tucked into one of the beds in the Academy’s infirmary with her friends huddled around her.

“We didn’t,” Jason said.

Her eyes blew as wide as shields. “You lied! You tricked the god of war?”

“We just really hoped he wouldn’t call our bluff,” Hercules said. 

“That’s brilliant!” she said. 

Her eyes were even more brilliant, Iolaus thought. She was weak and thin, having sweat away some of her weight in the dream underworld, but her eyes were as bright and shining as ever. He watched her, clean and pale, leaning back on the pillows behind her. The over sized tunic hanging off her was quite different from her usual leather vest, and he wondered if this was the first time he’d seen her hair out of a braid. He could only compare her to an angel. 

“It was all Iolaus’ idea,” Hercules said, bringing him out of his daze.

“Something that clever could only come from Iolaus’ head,” she said, her laugh weak.

“Clever and conniving,” Jason said. 

A familiar bell rang out, alerting the cadets to their dinner. Hercules and Jason stood. “We’ll bring you some popovers,” Hercules said to (Y/N), shooting a hand out to keep Iolaus where he was.

Iolaus nodded, listening to his friends’ footsteps clicking and fading until silence remained. He coughed and turned, realizing he was staring at (Y/N) and she had raised a brow against his intense gaze. He reached under the bench, wincing from the burn he’d received only hours before. “I brought you this,” he said.

��Ah, the book you interrupted me from,” she said with a smile. It fell when nothing she did cracked his stern countenance. 

He sighed, bunching her blanket in his hands. “I can’t help but be angry with you. You put yourself in such danger-”

“I couldn’t stand by and let you suffer. Just the thought of it- it’s unbearable-”

“How do you think I felt when he took you away?” he yelled. He rocked on the bench, immediately regretting raising his voice at her. He wanted to give her space to heal and wrap her in his arms at the same time. She took his hand and his body fell still.

“I knew you’d find me,” she said.

“Well, you’re stuck with me now. I refuse to live a life without you in it.”

She sent him her usual smirk, but it grew into a wide smile that she tried to hide by turning her face away from him. He scoffed at her, proud of himself, and brought her hand to his lips. 

“It’s a good thing Ares didn’t call your bluff,” she said. “Even if you did have the Hind’s blood, you’d never hit your target with the way you lift your hand as you loose. I’ve told you, it sends the arrow to the left every ti-”

He set a knee on the bed and kissed her, sliding his fingers around the back of her neck to keep her close. He was warm- lips and hands, the way he should be.

Taglist! @emrfangirl​ @misslongcep​ @raindancer2004​ @ladybugg1235​ @xxbyimm​ @burningcoffeetimetravel​ @fizzyxcustard​ @fire-flv​ @nerdbirdsworld​ @dashesofink​ @teagarages​ @dark-angel-be-thirsty-af​ @zulfiya-the-warrior-princess​ @winchesterandpie​ @cassiabaggins

[wardencommanderrodimiss]

Witches, Chapter 21: post-trial wrap-up. No, seriously, finally, it’s over. It’s been....3000 years....

[Seelie of Kurain Chapter Masterlist] [ao3]

[Witches Chapter Masterlist] [ao3]

----

It’s all there, on the record, to end the case, to make the next trial go smoother: the victim, Jack Shipley, slipped and fell and Rimes couldn’t pull him back to safety; Orla and Sasha did nothing wrong, and neither did Ora, a year ago. Azura Summers’ death was a heart attack. Two accidental deaths, and Rimes trying to get revenge on the wrong orca for something that never needed to be avenged. All this pain and agony, all because the victim wanted to keep it a secret that there were two orcas.

It never needed to happen this way.

Sometimes Phoenix thinks it’s easier to deal with cases where one of the parties involved was actively a malicious murderer. Because it hurts, god does it hurt, if the victim or killer is someone that they knew, loved, trusted, and Phoenix has both been the one in pain and the one trying to console his clients, but at least there’s a feeling that justice was served. Someone got what they deserved, in the end.

No one deserved this nightmare.

The court officers don’t escort Rimes out right away; Sasha, out of the defendant’s chair, out of suspicion, hurries forward to speak with him. He doesn’t even seem to notice her approaching. He might not have blinked since Phoenix told him about Azura’s heart condition, since Rimes himself realized that everything he did just hurt innocent people, and demanded to know why Phoenix couldn’t just let him be called a murderer and punished as such. Yeah, he’s criminally liable for a lot, and everyone here knows it, the judge has even said it, but - he did not want to kill Jack Shipley, and that still means something. Rimes doesn’t deserve a death penalty like Rimes seems to think he deserves.

“Hey, Marlon,” Sasha says. He jumps, slamming his shin into the witness stand. He really didn’t notice her. “When this is all done, y’know - served out your sentence and rehabilitation - you’d better come back to the aquarium, you hear?”

“But…” He doesn’t even say anything else. He lets everything that’s happened in the past half an hour stand for itself.

“We’re pirates, remember? Cap’n Orla’s Swashbucklers! A pirate crew’s not gonna care about criminal records in hiring!” She seems to be deliberately missing the point. Rimes doesn’t say anything else. “Hey. Marlon. That whole, um, hulking out thing - you didn’t - that wasn’t some kind of catastrophic deal, right? You - you okay?”

And of course he isn’t, not in the broad scheme of things, and of course Sasha isn’t okay in that sense either, but she only means one thing and that’s the thing that Phoenix has been wondering, and Blackquill has already been escorted out of the courtroom but Taka is perched just off to the side, listening in too. What did he bargain away, thinking he’d gained something useful?

Rimes slumps until his forehead hits the witness stand. “Had’ta give up being a vegetarian,” he mumbles.

“Wait,” Athena says, “do you mean you had to give up meat or you had to—”

“I was a vegetarian.” Rimes doesn’t lift his head. The way he’s doubled over hurts Phoenix’s back and neck by proxy. “But I have to eat meat now.”

Whether he was a vegetarian for personal or religious reasons, or health reasons, or something as simple as he thought raw meat was gross to look at and hated cooking with it and had to functionally become a vegetarian (like Phoenix his first year having a kitchen except takeout sushi isn’t vegetarian and ramen and pizza aren’t a healthy vegetarian diet) - whatever it was, going back to meat in the diet is some sort of sacrifice. And that so often is the cornerstone of a deal: a sacrifice. Giving something up. A name, a soul, a skill, a principle, some cash for an all-you-can-eat buffet—

And it could’ve been so, so much worse for Rimes. He’s lucky. 

“I made the deal for strength,” he adds, still hunched over, like his spine has been wrenched out of him and replaced with jelly. “I thought - I thought I could be strong enough then to help. But I wasn’t strong enough to hang onto the captain, and all the rest - physical strength didn’t matter. Didn’t help me at all.”

Which, Phoenix wouldn’t be surprised if whichever fae gave him the magatama knew that it wouldn’t. It’s a human thing - and a fae thing, it’s a people thing, to not know what would actually help. What they really need, versus what they think they need. 

Sasha steps around the witness stand and pulls Rimes around into a hug, his head slumped down onto her shoulder instead of the stand now. Phoenix hears, and thinks he isn’t supposed to, Rimes’ ragged repeated “I’m sorry”s and “It’s my fault”s.

“Yeah and you’re still my friend, y’know that,” Sasha says.

The magatama slips from Rimes’ hand and hits the floor, shattering with a sound like it’s made of glass. Rimes shudders and trembles and his whole body shrinks, back down to the man he was before.

-

“You never cease to surprise me.”

Down the hall, at the top of the stairs, Athena is excitedly introducing Sasha to Trucy, and re-introducing Sasha and Apollo. Taka is long gone. And Edgeworth stands next to Phoenix, arms folded, drumming his fingers, and Phoenix can’t tell if he’s angry or begrudgingly impressed or wholeheartedly impressed. “So when Blackquill came to you to tell you that he was going to prosecute an orca, did you regret lengthening his leash at that point?”

Edgeworth shakes his head. “Prosecutor Blackquill was with me at the time. We were discussing - a case.” If it was Blackquill’s case specifically, Phoenix thinks he would have said that, but this just sounds like there’s even more, other cases, behind the scenes, above the security clearance of absolutely anyone. “And then I have a call from Detective Fulbright that he has a case that may be able to go to trial, and Prosecutor Blackquill is of course interested in that.” He shakes his head a second time. “If you think Blackquill is a thorn in your side in court, believe me, he is just as much of one to be outside of it.”

“That sounds consistent with what I’ve seen.” Phoenix glances around again to be sure that the hawk isn’t anywhere around. “Wait, you met with him - at your office? One-on-one? Without Fulbright around?”

“Yes, I have. Several armed officers on the other side of the door, of course - Detective Gumshoe stringently insists—”

“Good,” Phoenix interrupts. He should buy Gumshoe dinner for that. Someone has to keep Edgeworth’s dumb ass in one piece. “And Blackquill knows he’d still be rotting only in prison if not for you, right? And that if he—”

Edgeworth’s pale eyes flicker sideways at Phoenix. “Your concern is appreciated and entirely unwarranted and unnecessary. Prosecutor Blackquill, assuredly, has nothing against me, unlike certain others who you spent significant one-on-one time with.”

Oh. There it is. That gulf always between them, sometimes near closed and then it yawns, and they are here and here is further apart. “Good,” Phoenix repeats, more faintly than before. “Is there anything new you can tell me about him that would help?”

“Unfortunately not. He’s very stubborn in regards to his own murder case - as I said, a thorn in my side.”

“And maybe an ache in your head and a pain in your ass, too?”

Even if Edgeworth is, maybe not mad at him, but frustrated enough with him to bring up Kristoph, Phoenix is pleased to know that he can still make him snort in amusement. “I’m in particular agreement with His Honor about your need to watch your language.”

“Just in court though, right?”

“No.” Edgeworth turns his head to fully affix a glare on him, and Phoenix wilts. “In general. I can only imagine that good things would come of you choosing to fully speak and act like the lawyer that you are.”

The lawyer that he hasn’t been for eight years. The lawyer that Edgeworth pushed him to be, again. “All else aside,” Edgeworth adds, “such as and especially the orca, and that you are an utterly ridiculous man lacking a modicum of good sense and decorum—”

“That’s a lot to throw aside.”

Edgeworth ignores him. “—I am happy to see you standing in court again. You deserve this.”

“I—?” Are you sure? Do I really? After everything I’ve done? Everything that you know I am?

“You do,” Edgeworth says. “And I look forward to seeing what you do next, so long as you do not decide that you will - try and outdo yourself in finding a more outlandish defendant.”

“Hey, if they show up at my office, who am I to turn away clients? It’s not like I’ve ever had enough work to really be choosy with it. You’d said that yourself plenty of times.”

“Though I can’t say I expected an orca to be the logical conclusion of your manner of conducting business.”

They’re an Anything Agency. This was the place they were going to end up. “Would you think better or worse of me if I tell you I didn’t know the client was an orca at first, until we got to the aquarium and Ms Buckler introduced us to said orca?”

“You went all the way out to meet the client without having asked such basic information as name or species - yes, that does sound exactly like you.” He doesn’t answer whether that’s better or worse, just makes it clear that he knows Phoenix well enough to not be surprised. The more Phoenix thinks about it, the more he’s surprised that he didn’t ever get himself into a situation like this before. Maybe it could be said that there’s a lesson here, but he thinks he’s going to deliberately not learn it. “And the fact that from that, you pulled two victories, and cleared up the truth of a guilty man who was nevertheless not guilty of murder - also, very much like you.”

“You don’t need to flatter me,” Phoenix says. “I’m already on board to help you out with whatever, remember?”

He knows it isn’t flattery - or if it is, it isn’t hollow, because Edgeworth doesn’t say anything he doesn’t mean - but he’s still locked into deflect, deflect. Edgeworth knows how much Phoenix feels he doesn’t belong here. He’s not going to address it straight-out - that’s not his style, that’s not their styles, but he knows, and he still thinks that this is exactly where Phoenix does belong. 

The one word he wants to say, thanks, sticks his throat shut, but he hopes Edgeworth knows anyway.

“Hey, Boss! Hi, Mr Edgeworth!” Athena waves them over. “Boss, Sasha wants us to come back to the aquarium one last time so Orla can thank us in person, too! And we should probably pick up Pearly, right?”

Not that Pearl is limited in her movements in a way that necessitates them picking her up in a car, but if she’s still hanging around the aquarium, she’d probably be happy to see them and come back to the office with them. “Sounds like a plan,” he says. “Catch up with you later, Edgeworth.” He gives his friend a solid thwack on the shoulder.

“I can give Trucy and Mr Justice a lift back to your office, then,” Edgeworth says. Trucy beams; Apollo, terror-stricken, glances between Edgeworth and Trucy and seems to resign himself to  whatever this fate is. Phoenix would like for Apollo to get to know Edgeworth better, but can’t blame him for the fear. Edgeworth’s scary even before he got the title Chief Prosecutor to cement it.

“Oh, Prosecutor Edgeworth,” Athena says. “There’s something I wanted to ask you - can I email you later?”

“Ah - of course.” Edgeworth still glances at Phoenix, raising an eyebrow, doubtlessly wondering what question she has that she isn’t going to the nearest adult in her life, the one right next to her. Probably something about cars or Europe or any of the other gaps in Phoenix’s life experience, something that she figures he’s too much of a mess to have an answer to. Maybe it’s something about Phoenix’s badge, the losing of it, that she wants to know without tipping Phoenix to the fact that she’s digging into his ugly past like this. Or maybe it’s the what the hell about Blackquill she wants to know. There are lots of questions it could be. 

Phoenix shrugs back at Edgeworth. It’s sort of like they’re co-parenting another daughter. No real way around that now, and Phoenix follows her out of the courthouse as she hurtles herself down the stairs.

-

They arrive back in the orca pool room in time to catch the middle-end of a lecture Dr Crab is giving Sasha about taking her health seriously and taking it easy until her condition is fully, properly managed. She sits at the edge of the pool, patting Orla’s nose, her hair soaking wet, like she just jumped straight into the pool upon her return. “I was thinking Orla and I would put on a mini show for you when you got here,” Sasha says to Athena, “but that’s obviously not happening.”

“I’m inclined to agree with the doctor,” Phoenix says.

“He’s a vet, not a people-doctor!” Sasha protests. Jokingly? It sounds like a joke. 

“And you, Miss Selkie, are as much seal as you are human.”

“Not at the same time!” She stands up, careful with her footing, no doubt thinking about the victim slipping and falling to his death. “But, really. Phoenix, Athena, I cannot ever thank you enough, and your office, and Pearl, too.” Sasha waves at Pearl, who is sitting with Rifle and the penguin chick, Sniper, over by the wall. “All of you! Thank you, thank you, for what you did for me, and Orla, and the aquarium, for everyone. You found us the truth, you got us closure - made me realize this guy isn’t so bad after all!” She elbows Dr Crab. 

“Not sure I’m happy about that one.” Crab steps away from her second nudge. 

“You really helped us out a ton, Pearls,” Phoenix says. “Definitely couldn’t have done this all without you.”

“Oh, it was nothing!” She starts to cover her face with her hands and decides to duck behind Rifle instead. “I’m sure you could have won without me, Mr Nick!”

He could have, yes - but not to this same end. He couldn’t have proven Rimes was trying to save Shipley in the end; he wouldn’t have had the time or patience to plaster fingerprinting powder over everything. But he’s not one to look a gift debt-forgiveness in the mouth, either, so he doesn’t point that out. Dr Crab’s eyes narrow, wondering, no doubt, how Phoenix got such a tricky, powerful faery to like him so much that she writes off all this investigation and assistance as nothing. What he had to lose to gain that. Phoenix shrugs back at him, and they watch Sasha and Athena head over to Pearl, Sasha animatedly explaining something to Athena and half holding her back from charging down Rifle. 

“And thanks for spilling almost all of the aquarium’s secrets like that,” Dr Crab adds dryly. 

“I’m only a little sorry,” Phoenix says. Better to be honest.

Dr Crab waves dismissively. “You said you would, and I was prepared for that. I’m almost glad I’ve got less to hide now. That writer lady, now that she’s not crusading after Orla anymore, said to me that she thinks that the aquarium’s in the right with the TORPEDO, and the law’s wrong, and she’d take up our case to advocate for its legality.” He grins, just slightly. “So we might be able to wiggle free of any serious consequences.”

“That’s—” Phoenix pauses to think over what he was about to say. “Speaking as a lawyer, I shouldn’t say that’s good, but I’m glad to hear that anyway.”

“I’m pretty good at keeping secrets, so don’t worry, I won’t go blabbing on you.” Phoenix laughs awkwardly, while Dr Crab’s face doesn’t twitch. He seems very serious. “Though, speaking of secrets, buddy, if you can keep your mouth shut when you don’t have a case hinging on it, I’ve got to tell you, there’s one thing you didn’t get quite right, back in that courtroom, and I wasn’t about to go correcting you on it.”

There’s a tanuki standing in front of Apollo, saying very similar words, and the blood left both Apollo and Athena’s faces, and if Apollo had vomited right in Filch’s face it wouldn’t have been much of a surprise. But Phoenix - Phoenix doesn’t know what he feels. Not this time. Dr Crab, unlike Filch, didn’t perjure himself willy-nilly all through this trial. If he held something back—

“Go on,” Phoenix says. His voice is strangled even to his own ears. Crab gives him a curious and suspicious once-over. 

“The calendar with the meeting with Jack, seven am at the orca pool - that’s mine, yeah, and I did go to that meeting to wait for him, yeah. But.” His silence might be dramatic, or a last assessment of whether Phoenix is trustworthy, and he adds, “That meant the orca pool at Supermarine Aquarium, not here.”

“The Supermarine Aquarium?” Phoenix repeats. “That’s the dolphin therapy place, right?” Athena explained animal-assisted therapy, and that aquarium across town in particular, sometime last evening, while they compiled their last investigatory information, but Phoenix checked out mentally in the middle of it. And something about an open-ocean marine sanctuary too, for whales that had been rescued from bad conditions at other institutions but couldn’t live fully on their own in the wild. He has no idea what relevance Athena thought that had. She just likes to talk about whales. “I didn’t even know they had an orca.”

“They don’t,” Dr Crab says. “They’re just harboring her for us.” It doesn’t click right away. Crab goes on. “When I told you about how I’d fake Orla’s death if I had to - I have full confidence I’d be able to, because Jack and I already did it once. Ora’s been living there the last year - we tried to send her into the wild, but she didn’t want to leave Orla, and Orla didn’t want to leave us, and we couldn’t exactly just have an orca hanging out around in the harbor for everyone to keep running into.”

“And that’s why you and the owner were making those mysterious payments,” Phoenix says faintly. DePlume had some wild ideas about conspiracy involving that, but she couldn’t dream this up. 

“Yep. Couldn’t exactly force that on the Supermarine’s budget, since she’s our orca, so we’ve been paying them for all her food and care. And orcas eat a lot.” 

“I’d believe it,” Phoenix says, still thinking of someone else, someone who eats a lot and puts a serious strain on his wallet when she does. 

“Since you’ve proven now that Ora was innocent all along, I figure we’ll bring her back here sooner rather than later,” Dr Crab says. “Not that I know how to budget and run an aquarium, and Sasha doesn’t, either. It’ll be a hell of a learning curve with Jack gone, but I don’t plan on going anywhere - but for now, I think it’d be better if you didn’t go saying anything about what I just told you.”

“Don’t worry,” Phoenix says. “I’ve been told I’m very good at keeping secrets.”

The bitter bend to the words would be hard to miss, but Dr Crab doesn’t move a muscle in his face. “Good. Hey, Sasha,” he calls over to her. “I’ve got my rounds to make and check in on the rest of the animals. Don’t do anything crazy as soon as I turn my back.” To Phoenix, he adds, “You seem to garner some sort of respect among young women in their early twenties, apparently, so I’m tasking you with making sure Sasha doesn’t start trying to show off.”

The average age is more like late teens, and the amount of actual “respect” he gets is up for strenuous debate. “Guess you have to be some sort of a crazy show-off to go get a job working with orcas when you’re a selkie.”

Dr Crab huffs. “Azura wasn’t like that. And I think your one in yellow is contributing to the feedback loop.”

“Athena’s got a - competitive spirit, yeah.”

“I don’t suppose I’ll be lucky enough that this is the last I see of you,” Dr Crab says. “Sasha’s keen on giving all your crew lifetime tickets, if we don’t run our place into the ground figuring out the management side.”

“I learned to run a law office on the fly,” Phoenix says. “Not really the same, but best of luck to you. And thanks for all your help, Dr Crab. I appreciate you being mostly honest.”

Dr Crab snorts, casting one glance back at Sasha and Orla, and he leaves. 

Hell of a fortuitous thing, the doctor’s name. Herman Crab, marine veterinarian, weirdly cool with sea witches and selkies and fae. Phoenix doesn’t think names as given determine a trajectory in life, but the fae pick them deliberately. Courtney comes to mind. Or humans who escape the Twilight Realm and aren’t sure how they’re supposed to call themselves other than after what they are or what they do. Eldoon’s father comes to mind. (He wonders how Thalassa got her name.)

But like hell he’d ever ask. Azura‘s story was something Sasha asked, something relevant to all their questions. Case closed. Phoenix isn’t going to cast around trying to find someone with a more fucked-up story than his own. No one wins in that kind of game. 

“Hey, Boss!” Athena calls. “Come feed Orla with us!” She and Pearl and Sasha take turns grabbing a fish from a bucket and tossing it to the orca. Phoenix watches her snap her jaws, full of bright white sharp teeth she doesn’t need to use because she just swallows these little fish whole. Thinks of someone else with a mouth full of teeth, not taking the time to chew. Wants to say no thanks. He could tell his girls it’s time to leave and head back to the office. 

“All right, fine,” he says, and Sasha springs up with a fish ready to drop in his hands. “What do I do?”

-

Trucy is very quiet after Prosecutor Edgeworth leaves them back at the office. Apollo asks her if she’s okay and when she says “yeah” she doesn’t even manage to infuse it with her usual mask of cheer, and her fingers twitch red when she says it, her hand flitting up toward her diamond brooch and stopping. It would be easy to call her on it and she knows it, but there’s an unspoken social contract that has slowly coalesced between them all to let little things slide. Athena going quiet and staring off into space or furiously dragging legal textbooks off the shelves and paging through them; Trucy staring at the portrait of her father above the piano or at Phoenix’s desk and the bottom drawer there; Phoenix poking his head into whatever room the rest of them are gathered in if there’s a sudden silence like he’s afraid something happened, or several moments Apollo watched him studying for the Bar where he’d put his head in his hands and dig his hands through his hair about to pull it out. Apollo doesn’t know what makes Athena tick but the others he knows too well, and they let each other have breathing room. 

Close to an hour later - it’s past five but Apollo doesn’t want to leave until Trucy has some company - she comes back and hops up onto Phoenix’s desk. “This is the first time Daddy’s been a lawyer since he’s been my daddy,” she says. “It’s his first trial that I’ve ever seen.” She unclips her cape from around her shoulders and tosses it into what looks like empty air, but it falls draped solidly over a wisp. “I was there for his - his last one, but he wasn’t my daddy then, and I was only paying attention to my other daddy to make a diversion for him to escape if he needed it.”

Apollo nods, silently. 

“You know something, now, Apollo? I’ve been here half my life now. I’ve been Trucy Wright just a bit longer than I was Trucy Enigmar, and I’m gonna be Trucy Wright for the rest of my life and it’s only gonna be longer and longer now. And I love Daddy and I don’t want to be anywhere else but it’s…”

“Still weird?” Apollo asks. She nods. “I get that.” When he was sixteen it would’ve been about half his life away from Khura’in, except he didn’t have another loving father to ease the sting. Trucy was luckier. 

“Did you ever have somewhere you stayed enough to miss it?” she asks. And then hastily she adds, “Never mind, you don’t have to talk if you don’t wanna.” He must have shown panic on his face, panic or pain, but those don’t narrow the answer to her question down. Panic and pain are responses that fit either meaning, that he spent his whole life never setting roots down to have a home, or he’ll spend the rest of his life aching for somewhere long gone. “You’re welcome to stay here forever, you know! You’re like family now!”

It’s a weird sentiment, all considered, that Apollo knows all about the Gramaryes and absolutely does not want to be a part of that, and he also knows that Phoenix is a mess masquerading as a person, and - and yet. It’s not about Apollo, and what he thinks, so much as it is something for Trucy, figuring out how to build a new family out of the ashes her old one left. The Gramaryes brought Apollo to this law office in some roundabout way, like they sent Trucy to Phoenix. Like Apollo can sometimes manage to think that if Dhurke hadn’t sent him away, he wouldn’t have been there for Clay. Or Trucy. Or anyone else.

“Um, thanks,” he says, and she beams, and though it had already been slipping away, he pushes further aside, for some other far future time, the thought of finding another law office to work at. This one case is not enough to expect he’s being pushed aside. And it would break Trucy’s heart and he doesn’t have enough friends that he can afford to do that. 

“Here, come look at this,” she says, waving him over conspiratorially, the moment passed. “Daddy left this picture out on his desk. He must’ve been thinking about old times, too.”

Apollo joins her at Phoenix’s desk. “What am I looking at?”

“Uncle Larry argues a lot with Daddy and Uncle Miles about whether they look any older than they did back then,” Trucy says, holding out to him a photograph that she brought in earlier. “You can be the impartial judge!”

The three of them still wear the same colors, whenever this photo was taken. Larry shoved off behind the other two - did Apollo know that Phoenix’s flighty artist friend knew Edgeworth? -  wearing an orange suit jacket thrown over what might be a t-shirt. Edgeworth, smiling, and Phoenix, with a golden badge tiny on his lapel. At least eight years ago. Then there’s a taller man in a dark green overcoat off to the right, and to the left, in front of Phoenix and Larry, a girl with long black hair and big, dark eyes, wearing robes almost identical to Pearl’s. “Who’s this?” Apollo asks. 

“That’s Detective Gumshoe,” Trucy says. “He’s one of Uncle Miles’ best friends. They’ve worked together since ever. And that’s Maya, one of Daddy’s friends.”

“Is she—?”

“Yeah.” It’s easy to know the question. “I didn’t know that for a while about her, though. He didn’t say. And she didn’t come around enough for me to notice. Not like Pearly visits us.”

“No?”

Trucy shakes her head. “I met her the day I came to live with him and maybe one or two other times and then - Uncle Miles says she used to be here at the office all the time, helping Daddy with his cases and stuff.”

A fae mentor and why not a fae co-counsel too. “Maybe she got bored after he was disbarred,” Apollo suggests. That sounds fickle enough to be fae rationale. 

“Pearly said they had a huge fight about him being disbarred and stopped talking so much to each other. About how he was handling it or something. I don’t know. I think Pearly said that Maya wanted to help.”

“I don’t think I’d be brave enough to give one of the - the Fair Folk, the silent treatment,” Apollo says. But he’s not sure he could brace himself well enough for the repercussions of accepting their help either, and thinking about all of those leaves him to trip and land on a euphemism for their name instead. Only some days is he brave enough to call them what they are.

“I’m not sure I would either,” Trucy admits. “But Uncle Miles talks like he and Maya got along well enough and he liked her well enough and he never sounds like he’s afraid of her when he’s always very weird about magic stuff and all of Daddy’s… everything.”

Apollo looks back down at the picture, into the face of the fae girl, her smile that looks like a human smile. “Do you think she still looks this age?” he asks. “Do the fae age like people do?” Or is their development slow the way humans growing up in their realm are?

Trucy shrugs. “Pearly seems to age the same as me, but I don’t know if she does that because she has me as a model for how people grow up, or if she actually would like that.”

There in the photo, behind the fae girl, Phoenix isn’t quite as gaunt and hollow in the face, and next to him Edgeworth isn’t wearing glasses, but though Edgeworth is smiling they both look exhausted, like they haven’t slept well in days, like they’ve been ground down to ashes. “I don’t think they look that much older,” Apollo says, tapping the picture, bringing them back to Trucy’s original question. “I mean, they look really tired there, and that’s about the same.”

“Is that what being old means?” she asks, eyes downcast, twisting her fingers together. “Perpetual tiredness?”

“Oh yeah. Once you turn twenty it’s over. It’s just wanting to constantly go back to bed.” Trucy whimpers. “Enjoy the next four years because that’s all you’ve got.”

“Nooo.”

“Oi! Apollo!” He didn’t hear the door open but there’s Athena appearing in the doorway, hollering at him. “Are you being mean to Trucy?”

“She’s always being mean to me!”

Trucy exaggerates her pout even further, fishing for sympathy, but when Phoenix follows Athena in he bursts out laughing. “Mr Nick!” Pearl scolds, and Phoenix jumps, literally jumps, away from her, avoiding her smack on the arm and knocking Athena into her desk. “You can’t be so mean to your own daughter!”

Trucy breaks into a fit of giggles. “Hey, so, Trucy, Apollo,” Athena says, hoisting herself up on her desk and dropping down behind it out of the way of Phoenix and Apollo. “Guess who’s got free lifetime admission to the shipshape aquarium now, and for friends, too!”

“Ooh, I know who you should invite.” Trucy kicks Apollo in the shin. He knows exactly the answer she has in mind. 

“Vera,” he says. 

“Oh you know I bet that would be fun,” Trucy says. “That’s not what I was going to say, also.”

“I know you weren’t.” He can’t really leverage himself to kick her back, so he knocks his shoulder into hers. Phoenix is giving them a weird look - not like he’s mad that Apollo is beating up on Trucy in turn. There’s nothing angry at all. Just kind of fond and kind of sad, and when he notices Apollo’s puzzled expression, his face immediately snaps back to lazy-eyed and closed off, a look Apollo’s seen less and less of in the past few months, but it’s always still there, the poker face underneath everything.

“So the answer is you and Mr Wright,” Apollo says to Athena, “because you’re the ones who defended her, right?”

“Ugh, nein, non, no, no,” Athena says. “I wouldn’t be bragging about it if you weren’t included! Sasha says everyone at the agency, and Pearly too! And whatever friends you want to bring, because I also specifically asked that too!”

Trucy kicks Apollo again. Apollo shakes his head. 

“We’ll all go together sometime!” Athena says brightly. “And I was thinking, y’know, Mr Wright, I’m really glad you let me come on board here. I love working with all of you!”

“I - uh, yeah, of course.” Phoenix definitely was not prepared for that. There’s another weird look on his face, hesitation, and again he smooths it away with a bit of deliberate effort. “Glad to have you.”

“Good not to be the new kid anymore,” Apollo says with a grin, and Athena sticks her tongue out at him. “And Trucy’s probably glad to have two new kids to heckle.”

Trucy kicks him again. 

-

“Really, anyone? Just - whenever I want to come back, I can bring anyone with me?”

“Of course! I don’t know when the Swashbuckler Spectacular will come back, with my health, or anything like that, but you all will be the first ones to know! And your whole office is welcome and anyone you want to bring along, I’ll hold the front row just for you! Because any friend of yours is a friend of mine, Athena.”

“I - yeah, of course. But - thanks. When this is all sorted out, for you guys here and me with - and everything, there’s someone who I always wanted to visit with and never got a chance.”

“Then c’mon! I’ll look forward to meeting them.”

“Y-yeah, heh, I - yeah.”

[kawaiigirlgoingghost]

Ouija boards 2

I originally wanted to post about the Ouija board itself 💕 Before I even begin to consciously put that description out into the universe I really REALLY feel the need to stress the reasons you should not be using an Ouija board or spirit board in general 😓

I want to preface this with the fact I am aware people have good experiences with Spirit boards and Ouija boards. 😮 I, 100%, acknowledge that as a fact- sometimes you do get good spirits that come through. I do want to make note of- you aren't speaking with any angels. You aren't speaking with divine good. I'm gonna say 9/10 you get someone more malevolent that means you harm or wants something from you. 😔

If you are deciding to use a spirit board I really want you to not only keep how to use it in mind, but the consequences of using a board as well 😳

This was suppose to go up more edited on Wednesday at around 5:20, I'm not good with tumblr and probably messed using the queue up. I apologize for that. I am leaving my wording how it was posted in the main body. I use "Demons" loosely as more malevolent spirits, although they are really not the same imo. I want to note really briefly- that my experiences are not yours, for all I know most people probably take my posts like they are just stories to read. I'm fine with that and happy I entertain in some form. My experiences are mine. They cant be valued more than your own paranormal experiences to other people. I'm not here to debate with the paranormal community, I'm here to help out regular people who believe in next to none of this. It may not be for you.

The most IMPORTANT thing to note is- You have absolutely no clue what you are talking to. 😤 You have no clue the reason behind this entity contacting you, no idea as to what the intentions are and no real way to delegate a conversation with entities. You can ask it questions, yah sure, you get some answers, but that doesn't mean you get answers to the questions you ask.

There is a responsibility and energy you carry as an individual using an Ouija board. The brighter you shine the more entities you'll attract. (Moth to a flame so to speak) You are fully responsible for what you attract and what you let in.

You are also responsible for opening a door you cannot close. A lot of people do not accept responsibility when they mess up with things pertaining to the spirit board among other ways to contact the other side. It's a door you opened, along with anyone else who used the board. Please take responsibility for that door.

You are also responsible for the people you participate with. You are responsible if something happens to them, you are responsible if something follows them, you are responsible if they get hurt, and you are responsible if they die.

If you open a door, you should figure out what kind of damage control you can do. It's not something you can close back up 9.5 times/10. In my opinion, that space now has an invisible open door way for things to come in and out at their will. It's pandora's box and you opened it. That is your problem to now attempt to control. Moving sometimes doesn't help you, things will follow you if it is attached to you. If you sell a home with the KNOWLEDGE you OPENED something you can not close or control and you put other people unknowingly into that space where harm can come to them, just know you'll get burned for that. If you leave an apartment/home/townhouse because you opened something and refuse to take care of it, just know you passed the responsiblity you took when you decided to use a spirit board onto other innocent people who have no clue what happened in the space. You are sending them a situation, completely blind.

There are PLENTY of resources, first hand accounts, and books on the subject of why you shouldn't be messing with one. It's never worth it and the risks greatly outweigh the benefits.

I just feel like I should say this specifically. If you go to an Ouija board for lottery numbers, personal, or financial gain- just know that will come back and bite you 10 fold. Sometimes when I was little, we did not have food in the house. My mother never saw that as a way to survive and you shouldn't either. It's not going to gain you anything but a black mark on your spirit because maybe someone needed that lottery number more than you did. You're making a conscious effort to manipulate the universe to your own will to only benefit yourself. It's not just morally wrong, it's not just selfish (in some cases) you are opening up a line of communication with the demonic specifically. The demomic always call back for their "payment" whatever it may be.

You can gain almost nothing from a spirit board secession but something now in your space. I've seen some secessions have next to no information gained and a waste of 4 hours because time got lost. I say time got lost for a reason. Sometimes you just get bs'd for a few hours and tbh I think that's kind considering what you're probably speaking with.

You can easily open yourself up and become possessed. No one believes this because it's not something you hear everyday but it can happen. Even if it's for a fraction of a second. The end goal for them is to obtain a vessel. If you become their vessel do you think that demon is going to personally care it's using YOUR body as that vessel? I'm here to tell you that no, it probably does not and yes it can happen to you or even me. They do not care you have grandmas funeral tomorrow or mac and cheese you to make for the cook out next week.

Demons lie. If you didn't know they lie pretty often. They can change form and change their story. Most of the time they don't care to keep their stories consistant. They can tell you fact about things only you and your bestfriend know. They can lie and say they were alive. You can't make them tell the truth either!

I would do your own research on whether or not this is a good decision for you personally. If you do this in your home, wouldn't you feel bad if it broke someones favorite thing? Or hurt someone you love? Or for god sakes something harms your animals? Do you think things from the other side care about your cat/dog/lizard? They do not. I would NEVER EVER want to see my cat harmed due to making a decision like that. There are risks, rewards and consequences when using this as a tool to communicate to the other side. The universe would not make you use an Ouija board to speak to your dead family members that you miss dearly. I don't believe the universe to be that cruel.

Some demons see the use of an Ouija board as a direct challenge. They will invite themselves in if its powerful enough.

These things also go for any demonic game. I'm sure many demons use the midnight man ritual as a means to get out into the open, or invited in.

Also if you use your blood for any demonic game or put it onto an Ouija board- its now attached to you. 🤷‍♀️ you used your blood as a binding contract to whatever decided it wanted your blood. You let your blood be up for grabs and something took it. Don't put it out there in the first place. You can't escape those sort of things, if you can its very difficult to accomplish.

You don't have to be religious for 'demons' to show up. I don't consider myself a part of any certian denominations of Christianity. To some degree, there is proof certian demonic energies become reactive around Christian idols, Christian artifacts and Christian Churches. That is any denomination of Christianity- I'll try to really dive deep into that over the next few weeks to give you a better idea with facts.

Those are the main reasons I can give you as to why using a spirit board really gets you nowhere. 😅 I think the main thing a spirit board ends up doing is it scares a lot of people away from the other side and I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to anyone, especially something as avoidable as this. You have to make reasonable and responsible choices when using tools to contact the other side. I believe deceased family members come into your dreams to see you or they'll come to your home and visit you. They won't make you use an Ouija board. That's just the way I believe though- 😅

Again as always, if you have an questions, concerns, thoughts, my DMs are always open and I'm willing to answer any questions you guys have! 💕💕 I'll always try to point you in the right direction and help you to the best of my ability!

Anyway-

kawaiigirlgoingghost out

[sunshinexlollipops]

i was wondering if you have any tips for writing for dutch and arthur? i’m more confident for writing arthur but not so much dutch. any help would be great!

Edit: sorry, was writing this on my computer and pressed enter to start a new paragraph. So tumblr took that as “let’s post this!”

Love this hellsite. :,)

—————

Hey there, @putainsoif2!

I can give you a healthy supply for writing tips when it comes to Dutch, and even a little extra for our beloved boy Arthur! (:

For today’s lesson, I ask that we use this particular tune to enhance our learning experience. . .

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So, let’s start of with Dutch! I’m gonna make a bullet list here of tips/tricks I do when I write the man in my stories!

Watch scenes from the game (be mindful of spoilers, in case you are wanting to avoid them).

These will help you learn specific dialogue of certain scenes, but it also helps you learn Dutch’ s facial expressions, his way of talking, and his mannerisms. I use clips all the time to help nail a scene I have in my mind or plot down!

Dutch is very confident, arrogant, and prideful.

He carries an air about him that’s almost like a bubble. Not only doesn’t it make him daunting to other people in certain ways, it’s also his biggest flaw, and this bubble shields Dutch from perceiving reality for what it is.

The man could convince himself that it’s sunny outside when it’s raining, and there’s almost no chance of changing his mind once its made.

Dutch is not above playing dirty, being threatening, or making things personal.

One of the main reasons the gang gets into much trouble and hot water as it does are the actions they take on Dutch’s insistence.

So many things in the game could’ve been avoided had Dutch’s nepotism or greed didn’t get in the way of common sense.

Dutch will drop and risk everything if he thinks a score is his, or if his pride and name are on the line. Doesn’t matter if what’s on the other side is too good to be true or an obvious lure for them man to bite on— he will go after it every time.

Dutch’s value of loyalty means unwavering and unquestioning worship.

For Dutch, he’s big on manipulation and working those around him till they are under his thumb and like it that way.

Maybe things didn’t start off this way, but they sure as hell ended like it.

Dutch is all about having people in his pockets and making them feel or think that they earned being in there, or that they want to be.

By taking in orphans off the streets and raising them, calling them son and reminding them “you’re only alive because I saved you” — to trying to convince them that they can’t have opinions of their own and discrediting anyone who argues with his “plans.”

Dutch may not be like Colm with hundreds of men at his back that were forced there, but he’s got a few men he’s crafted into monsters and convinced them that they want to die for him, and that’s far more terrifying tbh.

If someone isn’t “loyal” or has a slight against him, they might be better off dead.

If you aren’t 100% with Dutch, you better watch out. Any disagreement or doubt he faces is met with extreme scrutiny and offense by the man.

So if a character doesn’t agree with him, they stand against him. And a lot of bad things can happen to you if you’re not on Dutch’s side, he will make sure of that.

—————

Now, as for Arthur!!!

Can be like two sides of one coin, and which face you see depends on the person he is with.

Arthur is so black and white that the man is in a gray area all around.

He can be a bastard or a sweetheart. A killer or a Saint. Helpful or a problem. Etc.

Mostly, Arthur gets an air of cockiness about him around most of the men in the gang. It’s almost like a competition for being the biggest dick without a ruler being involved.

He makes his worst decisions when others are watching and expecting him to be callous, and he commits the worst crimes when he is asked to or made to by other people— and he pretends to enjoy it or accept it.

But when no one is watching, or the person who is happens to be someone he trusts deeply and knows better than to fuel his facade, Arthur changes.

He’s kinder, softer, caring, compassionate.

With Charles, Arthur expects better of himself and feels regret if he doesn’t act up to par. With Hosea, Arthur wonders how he could change his life and be someone else.

Arthur chooses who he wants to be himself with, and who he dons a mask on for.

Wars with himself on a lot of things, and is very introverted at heart.

Because of his nature to only be truthful and himself with certain people, Arthur keeps a lot of things to himself.

His journal is his biggest confidant, and Arthur mostly tries to keep things internalized instead of letting them out into the world.

One of the biggest things that Arthur tries to keep to himself, is the fact that he doesn’t want to live the life of an outlaw like he used to.

A lot of people in the gang are still wanting to run this thing till it stops, especially Dutch and the few people who are at his back like a shadow.

For Arthur, he’s beginning to hate how he is living and who he has become because of it, and the hardest thing is avoiding that sort of honesty, and trying to accept it on his own.

Tries to hide his softer and compassionate side, as he’s often hurt or scrutinized for it.

One of the biggest reasons Arthur has two ways about him is that his truer self is not as easily accepted or welcomed as his harder persona.

Most people expect Arthur to be cold-blooded and a bastard, from Dutch, to people who cross him. And while Arthur can have an icy angle about him, the man doesn’t enjoy being a bastard who lives up to the hype.

During his younger years, the man nearly left the gang for a woman he fell in love with. And I’m pretty sure this was around the time Hosea wanted to leave too, or maybe even before that. Love was in the air and Arthur was suffocated with it.

But of course, he couldn’t leave his family, and so he lost Mary. And of course, he lost Eliza and Isaac too for the same decision.

Arthur’s identity as an outlaw kept him from the things, and more importantly, the people he has loved. And this is why Arthur views himself so poorly.

What kind of man values killing people and stealing over the love of his life? His son?

And for what— to maintain appearances?

Arthur figured out what he wanted to choose when it was too late, and this is why he only allows himself small moments to let that side out again, lest it hitch itself onto something he only expects to fail once more.

Has a conscience that speaks louder than loyalties or guilt, and believes that he is doomed rather than having a chance at saving himself.

Arthur may not exactly be religious, but he believes Hell exists because that’s where he’s going to go once he dies.

One reason Arthur doesn’t change himself is because he believes he’s a lost cause. He’s in his mid-thirties, and he believes that the life he’s lead so far will follow him till its end.

He’s haunted, and as he described himself “more so of a ghost than a person.”

Because of this, Arthur doesn’t try to change until he’s damned.

And by this, I mean that Arthur didn’t try to change until he knew he was already dying.

Gamer influence aside, the choices you were given in chapter 6 were far more different than earlier in the game.

For example, when you confront Jimmy Brooks outside of Valentine, your choices are to save or kill him.

But to compare, a change is evident when you go to collect the last debt Strauss sends you after.

The only choices you have with the widow standing before you are to absolve her debt, or to absolve it and offer her money to get by.

Arthur didn’t give the player a choice to show compassion or heart. That was purely Arthur saying “this time, we’re going to do good.”

But Arthur truly only tries to save others when he knows he can’t save himself.

Money, the law, Colm, Dutch— none of it matters like it used to. A day is gonna come when he isn’t gonna be around anymore, and you want to know what’s scarier than that?

Leaving this world knowing that he did nothing to help those who were still going to be living in it once he was gone.

Arthur is selfless at times. And this can only be emphasized more than ever when he knows he’s dying, and he chooses to fight for those he cares about to survive.

—————

So there you have it! Some writing tips and tricks!

If you need anymore, let me know! :)

[rhiezus]

                                 Lover As Our Ships.  

I Forget That You Existed.

Literally Nayoung to everyone in her life before, including mostly SPB, the Nameless and even Kim Yura. 

How many days did I spend thinking 'Bout how you did me wrong, wrong, wrong? Lived in the shade you were throwing 'Til all of my sunshine was gone, gone, gone 

Also Keun to SPB... Everyone to SPB, that company is trash. But look:

Sent me a clear message Taught me some hard lessons I just forget what they were It's all just a blur

And don’t even get me started on the chorus. 

Cruel Summer

At first, I thought, damn, I don’t have any ship for that because it’s about a breakup and stuff... But then it cleared my mind and now I think it’s two at the same time. First, Minhye and Jukan at college times.

Fever dream high in the quiet of the night You know that I caught it (Oh yeah, you're right, I want it) Bad, bad boy, shiny toy with a price You know that I bought it (Oh yeah, you're right, I want it)

[...]

Hang your head low in the glow of the vending machine I'm not buying (Oh yeah, you're right, I want it) You say that we'll just screw it up in these trying times We're not trying (Oh yeah, you're right, I want it) 

But it just doesn’t stop there, it also gave me little hints of Anna and Kuen.

I'm drunk in the back of the car And I cried like a baby coming home from the bar (Oh) Said I'm fine, but it wasn't true I don't wanna keep secrets just to keep you

[...]

And I screamed for whatever it's worth "I love you, " ain't that the worst thing you ever heard?

Lover

We got mixes feelings about this one, it literally could be any ship at some specific moment, so I really don’t know. However, I still keep my word that Hana and Mark were the first one that came to my mind when i listened to this song for the first time, probably because of The Archer and because of the state they are in right now that makes it easy for me to see Hana listening to this one right now and thing “Have I known you 20 seconds or 20 years?” and “All's well that ends well to end up with you”. Anyways, it also reminds me of Nayoung and Keun because of tHE MAGNETIC FORCE OF A MAn, and for the same reason, I can imagine Bonghu and Sanchan. And let’s not forget of Julie and Valak, they also marked this song as theirs. Oh my god, it also reminds me of Minhye and Jukan, for christ's sakes.

The Man

Speaking of her, that’s very Minhye. And nAYoung TOO. Actually, Nayoung seems like the type that would pick a lyrics from this song and posts on her stories, she is that kind of person right now. That’s official I even put on yes girl, there is no going back. But just... look:

Would you like to worry about drinkin' and dollars? And getting bitches and models? And it's so good if you're bad And it's okay if you're mad If I was out flashing my dollars I'd be a bitch, not a baller They'd paint me out to be bad So, it's okay that I'm mad

The Archer

To all the Hopeless Romantics I did before. I’m serious, this song is every single little bitch that's too hopeless romantic. It started with Hana, then I thought of Haneul, probably Kim Yura too, Anna & Clay. 

'Cause cruelty wins in the movies I've got a hundred thrown-out speeches I almost said to you

(JUST LOOK AT ANNA AND KIM YURA RIGHT THERE)

And I cut off my nose just to spite my face Then I hate my reflection for years and years

(HANEULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL)

I wake in the night, I pace like a ghost The room is on fire, invisible smoke And all of my heroes die all alone Help me hold onto you

(CLAY)

I Think He Knows

Speaking of Clay, this song radiates Allen and Clay. But before that, I totally thought about Yehjin and Chang too. So well, probably both.

He got that boyish look that I like in a man I am an architect, I'm drawing up the plans It's like I'm 17, nobody understands No one understands

Seriously? That’s Clay about Allen.

Lyrical smile, indigo eyes, hand on my thigh We could follow the sparks, I'll drive Lyrical smile, indigo eyes, hand on my thigh We could follow the sparks, I'll drive "So where we gonna go?" I whisper in the dark "Where we gonna go?" I think he knows

And this is so Yehjin and Chang, hell yes.

Miss Americana & The Heartbreak Prince

Chines & Chihye. There is none else for this, I swear because I’ve looked up.

You know I adore you, I'm crazier for you Than I was at 16, lost in a film scene Waving homecoming queens, marching band playing I'm lost in the lights 

YES, SHALL WE ALL BE SAD ABOUT THIS?

I'm feeling helpless, the damsels are depressed Boys will be boys then, where are the wise men? Darling, I'm scared (Ah)

Keep listening...

No cameras catch my muffled cries I counted days, I counted miles To see you there, to see you there And now the storm is coming, but

And finally...

It's you and me, that's my whole world They whisper in the hallway, "She's a bad, bad girl" (Okay) The whole school is rolling fake dice You play stupid games, you win stupid prizes [...] We're so sad, we paint the town blue Voted most likely to run away with you

Paper Rings

Oh my god, the first time I listened to this song I was “maybe it’s Bonghu and Sanchan”. bUT reading the lyrics I’m so shocked because it’s Raye and Kaili, and fuck this song is very them... From the instrumental to the lyrics, everything.

The moon is high Like your friends were the night that we first met Went home and tried to stalk you on the internet [...] Now I wake up in the night and watch you breathe

Shut up, this is totally about the beer pong! And then suddenly by the end of the year the fact they are together... 

I like shiny things, but I'd marry you with paper rings Uh huh, that's right Darling, you're the one I want, and I hate accidents except when we went from friends to this

Shut UPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Honey, without all the exes, fights, and flaws We wouldn't be standing here so tall, so

Cof cof, that’s for Julie. Costance said, “suck it”. 

Also, let’s not forget the part she keeps referring to him as “Baby Boy”.

Cornelia Street

Listen to me, I get the feeling this is Jinhyung and Kyungri. There is no further explanation on how I get to this conclusion, I just felt like it. 

We were a fresh page on the desk Filling in the blanks as we go As if the street lights pointed in an arrowhead Leading us home 

Hm??

And I hope I never lose you, hope it never ends I'd never walk Cornelia Street again That's the kinda heartbreak time could never mend I'd never walk Cornelia Street again And baby, I get mystified by how this city screams your name And baby, I'm so terrified of if you ever walk away 

I had to do a whole specification about this, but can you get the feeling that when they finally realized that they didn’t want to cheat or be with anyone else just because what they had was enough? That’s the feeling. Perhaps it’s also about the fact that they were falling so hard that they just suddenly were like ‘that’s true, i don’t want anyone else besides you and this thought kind of terrifies me a little bit’, you know?!  

You hold my hand on the street Walk me back to that apartment Years ago, we were just inside Barefoot in the kitchen Sacred new beginnings That became my religion, listen 

Totally talking about they sneaking wndr’s dorm to be together.  

Death By A Thousand Cuts

I never had this vision about this breakup until reading this song’s lyrics, but this is probably Seulgi when Hailey and she broke up. Yes, very random, yes, you probably didn’t expect this one but it’s true, let me show you.

Saying goodbye is death by a thousand cuts Flashbacks waking me up I get drunk, but it's not enough ’Cause the morning comes and you're not my baby I look through the windows of this love Even though we boarded them up Chandelier's still flickering here ’Cause I can't pretend it's okay when it's not

Very weird seeing Seulgi demonstrate any type of feeling, she probably felt this because they were together for a significant amount of time and Hailey traveled back to her country to sort her things out so... You can imagine how lonely Seulgi must have felt for a while. 

I dress to kill my time, I take the long way home I ask the traffic lights if it'll be alright They say, "I don't know" And what once was ours is no one's now I see you everywhere, the only thing we share Is this small town You said it was a great love, one for the ages But if the story’s over, why am I still writing pages?

Seriously? This is totally Seulgi trying to figure out where to move from aside WNDR and Hailey, although she did figure it out somehow I can see why she was confused and a little upset even though she totally agreed with Hailey that the best thing was to break it off. 

Tryna find a part of me that you didn't touch My body, my love, my trust (It's death by a thousand cuts) But it wasn't enough, it wasn't enough, no, no

And with that, I rest my case.

London Boy

This would be Nayoung if it was called “Jeju Boy”, also Linlin would take a ride and sing it too if that was the title. Throwback that this is also Taewoon and Hojin (screams and sobs at the same time). If it was “Canadian Boy”, it could be Clay. Wait is Allen from where? IS HE BRITISH? I Thought hE Was AmeriCAn. And finally, if someone does a cover saying “London Girl”, then it’s definitely Evie and Sunny, or even me for wolfie. Yes. I love this song is so catchy, could be anyone talking about their crush, it’s really cute.

Soon You’ll Get Better

You know what this song it's about, let’s skip the crying. 

False God

Haneul & Hyuntae. FUCK THIS SONG I SWEAR, IF IT WAS KOREAN I WOULD SAY HANEUL WROTE IT AND GAVE IT TO TAYLOR. SERIOUSLY JUST LOOK AT THE DESCRIPTION BY GENIUS: ”False God” uses heavy religious imagery to compare Swift’s relationship with current boyfriend Joe Alwyn to something all-powerful and greater than themselves.”

We were crazy to think Crazy to think that this could work Remember how I said I'd die for you? We were stupid to jump In the ocean separating us Remember how I’d fly to you?

Oh, boy, shut up Haneul.

They all warned us about times like this They say the road gets hard and you get lost When you're led by blind faith, blind faith 

Also laughing about the part she says: “ You're the West Village”, change it to UN Village and it’s good to go.

You Need To Calm Down

That's us. And also Hailey. And also sweetpea.

Afterglow

Oh, here we go. Okay, this song is Linlin and Mingyu. I still can’t get over how much this song is them, seriously, I’ll just show the lyrics and let us be sad for the time being.

I blew things out of proportion, now you're blue Put you in jail for something you didn’t do I pinned your hands behind your back, oh Thought I had reason to attack, but no 

[...]

Hey, it's all me, in my head I'm the one who burned us down But it's not what I meant Sorry that I hurt you I don't wanna do, I don’t wanna do this to you (Ooh) I don’t wanna lose, I don't wanna lose this with you (Ooh) I need to say, hey, it’s all me, just don't go Meet me in the afterglow

[...]

I lived like an island, punished you with silence Went off like sirens, just crying Why'd I have to break what I love so much? It’s on your face, don't walk away, I need to say

[...]

Tell me that you're still mine Tell me that we'll be just fine Even when I lose my mind I need to say Tell me that it's not my fault Tell me that I'm all you want Even when I break your heart

Yeah, I KNOW.

ME!

I hate that song, next. 

I’m kidding, this actually brings me good memories even though it’s kind of insupportable. As for a ship, this is Kim Yura and Abe Chiyo. Eleanor and Zeev!!! And WNDR when they are getting ready in the dorm.

I know that I'm a handful, baby, uh I know I never think before I jump And you're the kind of guy the ladies want (And there's a lot of cool chicks out there)

[...]

I know that I went psycho on the phone I never leave well enough alone And trouble's gonna follow where I go

I underestimated how much of Eleanor and Zeev this is.

I know I tend to make it about me I know you never get just what you see But I will never bore you, baby

YeAH, BoY.

It’s Nice To Have A Friend

Me to You, until I realized this was a romantic song and went all “well’... So, to sum up, as a ship this is straight-up Gok Inna and Pyongho. Just check out the genius description: “ Infused with steel drums, It’s Nice to Have A Friend is a dreamy ballad about two friends meeting in school and ending up getting married. It recalls the similar love story of children growing up together and falling in love.” We don’t even need to read the lyrics after that, I agree. 

Daylight

This is another song with different ships to different situations. First, it’s Yohan and Sebin. Jinah and Bokyum. Danbi and Daehyun... Basically, everyone that went through a lot before finding their true love. Again, let’s take a look at the Genius description: “In the final song on her album Lover, Taylor Swift sings about struggling through previous relationships, beginning to doubt her ability to find true love, until she meets someone who brightens her life in a new way. She refers to being unlucky in love in the past, but when she meets her new partner, she only wants to focus on them and their happiness together.” Gotcha?

I don't wanna look at anything else now that I saw you I don't wanna think of anything else now that I thought of you I've been sleeping so long in a 20-year dark night And now I see daylight, I only see daylight

I can only think of Yohan and Sebin finding each other, but you could also see where I thought about there other two here too. Jinah and Bokyum? Totally random but totally meant to be. And Danbi and Daehyun were both like in a love maze thing until they realized how stupid they were since the start. 

Luck of the draw only draws the unlucky And so I became the butt of the joke I wounded the good and I trusted the wicked Clearing the air, I breathed in the smoke Maybe you ran with the wolves and refused to settle down Maybe I've stormed out of every single room in this town Threw out our cloaks and our daggers because it's morning now It's brighter now, now

I swear TO GOD, THIS SONG!!!!! What a great way to finish an album and my thread... *heart emoji*

[nealcassatiel]

2. Allen Ginsberg, Castiel, and Buddhism: Cas in the bardo - an exploration of the Tibetan Buddhist death bardos and Castiel (I)

“Wanna drift off and become a newspaper headline, / what good favourable publicity in the bardo? Allen Ginsberg says, these words’ll get you nowhere / these jokes won’t be funny when everyone leaves the seven exits.” (Allen Ginsberg, Bowel Song)

Introduction

In my previous meta I discussed Cas in relation to Buddhism. In this post I will continue on this theme, looking specifically at Cas’s death state and the Buddhist concept of the bardo. I will be looking almost solely at Tibetan Buddhism which is in the Mahayana school of Buddhism. I have studied Buddhism for four or five years, however the subject is vast and please forgive me if my knowledge isn’t the best. If you have any questions about Tibetan Buddhism please ask them and if I can’t answer them, I’ll try and find out an answer from a teacher at my next visit to the Tibetan Buddhist Centre.

As a side note and personal note to this meta, I had intended to do more research on this as anything relating to theology, religion, or Buddhism is going to take a lot of research and understanding regardless of how much someone has previously studied the subject. My research was shortened and curtailed by the passing of a good friend. I had planned to write this meta about a month ago however the subject of death has been all too real for me since his passing. I apologize if this meta is too short or doesn’t go deeply enough and I will continue to write on this subject. Returning to the Buddhism and my meditations and readings this past week now that I am dealing with my grief better has been healing, and the insistence in meditating and thinking on death within Tibetan Buddhism has been a good thing to confront once more. I have been researching Tibetan Buddhist ideas on death specifically for the majority of the year for academic research, and I find solace that it has helped me in such trying times. To end this side note I would like to remind you all how loved you are and in the great words of great people; always keep fighting.

To recap on why I believe this is important, Cas is linked with Buddhism a fair bit. In The End his room was surrounded by Buddhist iconography, there were Buddhist decorations in his home when he was Emmanuel, and some of his beliefs and spiritual practices link as much to Buddhism as they do Christianity and Judaism.

The Empty and Death

At the end of 13x03 Cas woke up in what the writers are calling ‘The Empty’. It was mentioned by Billie in season 12. We don’t know much about the empty but Billie says this to Sam;

-       ‘There’s one hard and fast rule in this universe: what lives, dies. So the next time you or your brother bite it… well… you’re not going to heaven or hell. One of us and I hope it’s me, we’re gonna make a mistake and toss you out into The Empty. And nothing comes back from that.’

So here we see the Buddhist thoughts on death. In Tibetan Buddhism, a well-known practice is to focus on death and to come to terms that everything which lives must die.

-       ‘From the summit of the highest heavens to the very depths of hell, there is not a single being who can escape death. As the Letter of Consolation says: ‘Have you ever, on earth or in the heavens, / Seen a being born who will not die? / Or heard that such a thing had happened? / Or even suspected that it might?’’ (Patrul Rinpoche, Words of my Perfect Teacher: A Complete Translation of a Classic Introduction to Tibetan Buddhism, trans. Padmakara Translation Group, p. 41)

This is a major concept in Tibetan Buddhism which monks spend years focusing on in order to try to combat their death fear and help their passage out of samsara after death.

-       ‘Meditate only on death, earnestly and from the core of your heart.’ (Patrul Rinpoche, Words of my Perfect Teacher: A Complete Translation of a Classic Introduction to Tibetan Buddhism, trans. Padmakara Translation Group, p. 55.)

Allen Ginsberg, Buddhism, and Death

Allen Ginsberg also had this death fear and tried to focus and accept his death, in fact his last collection of poetry entitled ‘Death & Fame’ focused a lot on him trying to visualize and accept his own death in multi-religious terms, but mainly in Buddhist terms. On his death bed he tried to focus on Buddhism and mantras and his Buddhist teacher was called to sit with him and recite death rituals before his death and after passing. Ginsberg had a Buddhist ceremony as well as one in a church after he had passed away in 1997. I mention this because Cas can be linked very well to Ginsberg (also because my grad dissertation was about Ginsberg, Buddhism, and death – hashtag spon to that basically unread thesis that I poured so much into).

Death, Rebirth, and SPN

Another thing to note is the concept of death and rebirth in Supernatural. The brothers have died a fair few times and come back, but let’s focus on Cas. In Buddhism, one’s rebirth is dependent upon their past life. One’s karma at the end of one’s life ensures the next life. In Cas’s deaths and rebirths he has changed from each one and his past life has influenced his personality after his next resurrection. An interesting thing to understand about karma is that it doesn’t affect you in your current life. Whilst bad actions may cause bad consequences, that is not karma. Karma only has effect on you once you’re dead, so any time someone ends a story about someone getting their comeuppance and says ‘that’s karma for you’, you can correct them and say that is incorrect if ya want.

The Bardos

So, onto the bardos.

The Tibetan Book of the Dead, in brief, is a text which contains mantras to read before one’s passing and once one is dead. It contains many chapters detailing practices and meditations and yogas to do before one’s death in order to help prepare the oneself to escape samsara (the wheel of existence where one is caught in a cycle of birth and death and rebirth).

The first bardo is the chi kha and occurs immediately after death when a profound state of consciousness occurs, called the clear light. If one can recognise this light as their reality, they are thrown out of samsara (the cycle of birth, death, and rebirth).

If one does not recognise this light they are thrown into the second bardo, the bardo of reality called chos nyid bar do. In this bardo they are shown reality in a multi-coloured mandala of forty-two peaceful deities and a mandala of fifty-eight wrathful deities. These appear to the consciousness of the recently deceased in the days following death. If reality is not recognised here then they are placed into the third bardo – the bardo of mundane existence (sri pah bar do). In this third bardo they are rebirthed in one of the six realms of gods, demigods, humans, animals, hungry ghosts, or in hell. The karma (the wrongdoings of the deceased) in their past life will gauge which realm they will be rebirthed into.

Death holds up a mirror of our past life actions.

If recognition of death and the new reality does not occur immediately in the first intermediate state after death, then the deceased moves into the second intermediate state. This second intermediate state is called ‘the pure illusory body’, during which the consciousness achieves clarity even if the deceased doesn’t know they are dead. During this stage, if proper teaching is given, the deceased will no longer be controlled by past actions. ‘Just as, for example, darkness is destroyed by the light of the sun, the controlling force of past actions is destroyed by this ‘inner radiance of the path’ and liberation is attained.’ If liberation is not attained in this state, then the deceased moves onto the third intermediate state during which bewildering apparitions (which are the product of past actions) will emerge. ‘At around this time, the bereaved relatives will be crying and expressing their grief. They will no longer be serving the deceased share of food, they will have removed his or her clothes and stripped down the bed, and so forth. Although the deceased can see them, they cannot see the deceased. Although the deceased can hear them calling out, they cannot hear the departed one calling back so the deceased may turn away in a state of despaired. At this time, three phenomena – sounds, lights and rays of light – will arise, and the deceased may faint with fear, terror, or awe. Thus, during this period, the following Great Introduction to the Intermediate State of Reality should be given. Call the deceased by name and say the following words’.

“O, Child of Buddha Nature, that which is called death has now arrived. You are leaving this world. But in this you are not alone. This happens to everyone. Do not be attached to this life. Do not cling to this life. Even if you remain attached and clinging you do not have the power to stay – you will only continue to roam within the cycles of existence. Therefore, do not be attached and do not cling. Think of the Three Prescious Jewels! O, Child of Buddha Nature, however terrifying the appearances of the intermediate state of reality might be, do not forget the following words. Go forward remembering their meaning. The crucial point is that through them recognition may be attained. Alas, now, as the intermediate state of reality arises before me, renouncing the merest thought of awe, terror or fear, I will recognise all that arises to be awareness manifesting naturally of itself. Knowing such sounds, light, and rays, to be visionary phenomena of the intermediate state. At this moment, having reached this critical point, I must not fear the assembly of Peaceful and Wrathful Deities, which manifest naturally…. O, Child of Buddha Nature, if you do not now recognise these phenomena to be natural manifestations, whatever meditative practices you may have undertaken whilst in the human world, if you have not previously encountered this present instruction, you will fear the light, you will be awed by the sound and you will be terrified by the rays. If you do not now understand this essential point of the teaching, you will not recognise the sounds, the lights and the rays, and you will continue to roam within the cycles of existence. O, Child of Buddha Nature, should you have moved on, (without recognition), after having been unconscious for (up to) three and a half days, you will awaken from unconsciousness and wonder ‘what has happened to me?’ So recognise this to be the intermediate state. At this time the aspects of the cycles of existence are reversed (into their own true nature) and all phenomena are arising as lights and Buddha-bodies.’

Then a bright blue light will arise in the space. One should be drawn to it. There will be a dull white light of the god realms. Do not be drawn to that. It will spin you into the god realm and back into the cycles of samsara. Focus on the blue light. Other coloured lights occur and deities help to guide the deceased to the blue light. A dull blue light emerges which tries to call the deceased back to the human realm. Those with training will be more likely to walk towards the right light and take refuge in the Buddha to relieve themselves of being born back into samsara.

Within the bardos the deceased will be frightened and fearful. We see that Cas looks vulnerable and fearful when he wakes up in the empty.

Some Notes on the bardos and Cas in The Empty

-       Normally people don’t realise they go into the bardo after death as they are normally flung back into samsara. Those who are spiritual or have undergone training will be aware of the bardo after death. (This is important with Cas because he is a spiritual person, and so if we liken The Empty to the bardo, he will fair better in this space because of his spirituality.

-       In some folk, hindu, and folk Buddhist beliefs the last thought of the dying person is important and will help or hinder them in the bardo. (One of Cas’s last thoughts was probably saving Sam, Dean, and Jack, and so in The Empty these thoughts may stick with him all the more clearer (although they are pretty clear already. So his will to get back to Dean et al will be fundamental to his path through this in between place).

-       For those who were spiritual in their lives, in the bardo they will be more likely to meet enlightened beings who will appear to them. (This is interesting because from what we know about the spoilers, another person is there with him. This could be another angel and chuck knows I’m praying for the return of Gabriel, or it could be another version of Cas. In the bardo, the beings/gods who appear to the person do not have to be literal. Many people within Tibetan Buddhism see the gods and spiritual apparitions within the bardo as manifestations of one’s inner self, whether that be the greed or the pride or the love or the kindness).

-       The individual is also presented with a means of ending these encounters by paying attention to images and lights that feel comforting and familiar, and sometimes represent one of the passions that appeal to the person. This is where people's unconsciousness tendencies take control as they are variously attracted to jealously which can bring future lives of fighting and quarreling, pride which leads to another human rebirth, or aggression and violence which can lead to a rebirth in a hell world. Being attracted to these lights and images will cause the spiritual being to disappear and the opportunity to gain insight and enter their spiritual world will be lost. This is one of the important reasons for learning spiritual travel so that encounters with powerful spiritual states of consciousness become familiar and desirable instead objects of fear to be avoided.

-       If the first bardo passes and attempts to access spiritual states were unsuccessful, the next bardo begins. The second bardo or the "bardo of becoming" is a stage in which the desires of the individual are said to carry the largely helpless soul through a great variety of intense emotional states. Good thoughts bring great bliss and pleasure, and hateful or negative thoughts bring great pain and desolation. The soul bounces from thought to thought as a torrent of thoughts and feelings come like a waterfall. Existing thought habits and desires are said to define the experience of the soul during the afterlife in this way. (Again, we see that the bardo is a space for the inner self to manifest around oneself. I think that in SPN, they will use The Empty in a similar way – in that it will be a space where Cas can understand who he is. It will be a mindful, meditative, and self-reflexive space in which he will understand who he is and the life he lead. He will see what is important to him and what he should cling to and what he should leave).

-       The greatest problems of the soul in the second bardo are negative emotions like guilt and fear (which results from a lack of familiarity with the inner worlds), and lack of conscious control over its own experience. Fear is particularly harmful because it fragments the self making concentration on one thing difficult or impossible, and this can lead to confusion and loss of conscious control. (I think Cas will certainly explore these things within The Empty. He has been ridden by guilt for many seasons and I believe that he will feel the weight of his past actions even in death. However I think he will get through these and return to earth having done away with the negative emotions and guilt having worked through them all in the empty).

-       For those fortunate enough to be more conscious in these bardo states, a petition to a god, guru, guide, saint, or intercessor can be made in hopes that the individual will be lifted or guided out of the bardo worlds by one of those entities. But here again, the call must be concentrated and the ability to ignore the surrounding chaos somewhat developed. When such grace is given, it is a form of salvation where the individual is saved from the discomfort and confusion of the "outer darkness" of the bardo by a powerful entity - usually one that individuals formed a bond with in their former life. (Cas’s devotion to jack comes in here. Jack guides him back. This is an interesting discussion of faith here, because Cas has faith in Jack. And whilst some people may be angry at Cas for following Jack and placing faith in him, many people need figures within their lives in whom they place their faith).

-       This ability to choose a good incarnation requires discrimination, and a certain degree of conscious awareness. The new age approach to reincarnation which claims we choose our new incarnation is idealistic and not always true from this vantage point. Many souls whose thoughts in life were tinged with or dominated by negative emotions, or those who have repressed and denied such emotion through lack of awareness or an unwavering commitment to "positive thinking" will likely be desperate to escape the confusion of the second bardo. They are therefore likely to grab on to the first opportunity that presents itself like a swimmer who grasps a log in dangerous rapids in hopes of making it to calmer waters. Choosing the first object (or incarnation) that comes along may not be the wisest choice. (It would be interesting to see a kind of psychedelic/spiritual space in which Cas is drawn towards and away from things which distract him from his internal analysis and reflextion, or that draw him away from a mission to return to earth).

-       The average person is said to spend a period of about forty-five days in the second bardo. However, passionate souls with strong desires or those responsible for evil acts in their most recent life are said to reincarnate almost immediately. In exceptional cases, the individual can stay in the bardo state for longer periods, and be drawn into its currents awaiting rebirth.

-       One factor that helps the soul achieve the freedom of conscious control and spiritual travel during the afterlife is acceptance of death. Those who have not accepted death will resist the process of dying and introduce conflict into the bardo stages. This is why it is important for people to take care of any unfinished business as they near death so they can let go of life completely. (This will be interesting to see if Cas excepts his death. I’m not sure about this as he was in a depressive slump for a long while. But I hope that his want and love for Dean and the guys will make him not accept his new life in The Empty).

Forgiveness & Salvation

In The Tibetan Book of the Dead there are constant opportunities for enlightenment, both in life and in death. In the bardo one is given the chance over and over again to come to the light of the Buddha and come out of samsara. This is a key point in supernatural, that there are constant chances for good, for salvation, for forgiveness, for moving on a dropping the weights of before. Being in the bardo is a spiritual experience that shows you your inner thoughts, fears, and emotions. It is a liminal space which helps one to move on to the next realm or g to the light of the Buddha. Cas will be flung back into the world of samsara into another rebirth – although as he is being reborn as himself we stray further from Buddhism.

Conclusion

But what will be interesting in this upcoming episode is to see how many similarities there are between The Empty and the bardo – whether Cas will encounter a spiritual being, whether he will see his emotions manifest, whether he will be drawn to certain things, whether he will be drawn to good and bad light, whether he will be drawn back to the boys, whether he will accept his death, whether he will be able to look within himself and deal with the guilt and negative emotions he has been troubled by…. Who knows.

[obaewankenope]

Albus Dumbledore: The Religious Leader in Harry Potter

So, I have recently had a relatively old post reblogged by someone who decided to ask me what my ‘textual’ sources were for my statement that Dumbledore is a good example of a religious zealot that basically runs a group of fanatics who follow him. As I felt this to be a good thing to ask me, I was initially calm and considered this a reasonable thing to ask, until I reached the point where they specifically state that if I can’t provide such textual sources then they’re ‘going to assume that you build your opinion off of Tumblr posts and fanfiction and I’m gonna laugh at you for thinking those are reliable sources.’

Now, perhaps I may be a tad bit rude and impolite here but, unless they work on the assumption that everything is clearly shouted out very loudly and clearly in all fiction, then I’m afraid the explicit textual sources they’re demanding are likely to not exist; the art of understanding a novel lies in reading between the lines after all. However, I’m going to be polite and retain my modicum of mature reasoning and not laugh very loudly at such a sweeping statement – working on the assumption that fiction writers don’t think through what they create is, unfortunately, a common assumption in this world and one I have little time or respect for.

Now that’s been said, perhaps it’d be best to get onto the ‘textual’ sources I’ve been requested to provide.

Note: I am using the original Harry Potter books I had bought for me mere days or hours after each was released so page numbers may differ for each edition and where they were published (mine are UK publications). Just in case anyone thinks I’m making references up.

I’m going to approach this in much the same way I approach anything that is a multi-layered question: by breaking it down and tackling each section individually. First off – Albus Dumbledore’s background.

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Who is Albus Dumbledore and What is His Background?

I am stating this outright now that I am making use of the HPwiki since it has the most consistent and referenced information about Dumbledore that won’t require me specifically hunting through Pottermore or the books just to give a general overview of one of the most well-known and popular characters in Rowling’s magical world. If this isn’t considered by some to be a reliable source then apologies, but this is what I’m using to give you a summary of Dumbledore’s background and his numerous achievements.

According to the HPwiki, Dumbledore officially held the titles of; Grand Sorcerer, Supreme Mugwump, Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot and Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. In addition, he was also the leader and creator of the Order of the Phoenix. The son of Percival and Kendra Dumbledore, Albus was a half-blood (like the other two main characters in the trio of powerful wizards that the Harry Potter series revolves around; Harry and Voldemort). It is my assumption that, due to the imagery that Rowling evokes when Harry, Ron and Hermione visit Godric’s Hollow to see the grave of Harry’s parents and they discover a grave for the Dumbledore’s with an engraving of the Death Hallows (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, p.267), as well as the fact that Sirius states that all wizarding families are related in some way:

‘The pure-blood families are all interrelated…If you’re only going to let your sons and daughters marry pure-bloods your choice is very limited; there are hardly any of us left. Molly and I are cousins by marriage and Arthur’s something like my second cousin once removed. But there’s no point looking for them on here – if ever a family was a bunch of blood traitors it’s the Weasleys.’ (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, p.105)

While this doesn’t necessarily cover families with muggle-born and muggle heritage, it does infer that Albus too was related to most other wizarding families. Adding the fact that Albus was obsessed with the Deathly Hallows from a relatively young age, and the sign of the Deathly Hallows on a Dumbledore grave, then you theoretically can argue that he could have theoretically been related to the Peverell family: a family that died out in the male line as Hermione states in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows in chapter twenty-two:

‘The only place I’ve managed to find the name “Peverell” is Nature’s Nobility: A Wizarding Genealogy. I borrowed it from Kreacher…It lists the pure-blood families that are now extinct in the male line. Apparently the Peverells were one of the earliest families to vanish.’ (pp.346-7)

Note: Whether or not this is accurate and whether or not this is simply my own personal perception of Dumbledore’s lineage, the fact still remains that theoretically speaking, the Peverell family can be linked to at least some of the wizarding families of Britain as per Rowling’s own statements in her series.

Moving on from this potential relationship and the fact that these arguably provide some evidence for my initial comment about Dumbledore: ‘he comes into the Magical World from a long-standing magical family with age-old connections with a shit tonne of political power’. While I will agree that his family history doesn’t necessarily mean Dumbledore began with political power amassed by his family – unlike, for example, the Malfoy family or the Blacks – there is still the fact that his father, Percival Dumbledore, was either a pure-blood or a half-blood himself, thereby suggesting that he may have had some connection to the Ministry of Magic of Great Britain. Even if this were not the case, considering the fact that Dumbledore can at least be considered a half-blood with some magical lineage from pure-blood ancestors, he would have been in a more advantageous position, politically and social speaking, than muggle-borns in the magical world.

Continuing on, we are informed in The Deathly Hallows of Dumbledore’s connection with Gellert Grindelwald (pp.290-1). It is during this introduction that we also discover that, at one point, Dumbledore believed in much the same as Grindelwald in regards to the rights of wizards over muggles:

‘Your point about wizard dominance being FOR THE MUGGLES’ OWN GOOD – this, I think, is the crucial point. Yes, we have been given power and, yes, that power gives us the right to rule, but it also gives us responsibilities over the ruled. We must stress this point, it will be the foundation stone upon which we build. Where we are opposed, as we surely will be, this must be the basis of all our counter-arguments. We seize control FOR THE GREATER GOOD. And from this it follows that where we meet resistance, we must use only the force that is necessary and no more. (This was your mistake at Durmstrang! But I do not complain, because if you had not been expelled, we would never have met.)’ (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Letter to Gellert Grindelwald from Albus Dumbledore, p.291)

The above quotation lends support to my own statement in the original post that Dumbledore is ‘friends with a blood purist (Grindelwald)…[because] if you’re friends with someone like that then, on some level you agree with them.’

Ultimately, Dumbledore’s background lends itself to the initial starting blocks for the development of a saviour complex – most especially when we consider the fact that he ‘failed’ his sister and mother (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, p.292). While a ‘saviour complex’ (or messiah complex) is not a diagnosis nor a clinical term, it can however be connected to delusions of grandeur; it is quite obvious that in his correspondence with Grindelwald, Dumbledore seems to believe them both to be acting in a similar manner to those who feel that they have a duty to others, a responsibility, that means they must ‘save’ others – in this case, it can be argued that Dumbledore is functioning under the belief that he must save wizarding kind from muggles, and the muggles from themselves:

‘You cannot imagine how [Grindelwald’s] ideas caught me, Harry, inflamed me. Muggles forced into subservience. We wizards triumphant. Grindelwald and I, the glorious young leaders of the revolution.’ (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, p.573)

The attack on his younger sister Ariana by muggle children, and the subsequent imprisonment of his father for attacking them in retribution, provides Albus’ character with the beginning points to have a measure of hatred, or disdain towards muggles; it also provides a point where he can begin to perceive wizards are requiring protection from muggles and muggles of being unable to handle themselves – again this would be compounded if you consider that Albus was born at the end of the nineteenth century, on the cusp of the Great War and when colonialism was still at its peak.

For the Greater Good

Moving on, we come to the point where I state that Dumbledore takes on ‘an almost mythical status’ due to his ‘amazing magical power and the fact that he defeats a Dark Wizard without resorting to similar Dark Magic to do so’. While this isn’t precisely new information, nor an incorrect statement, it does bear some supporting evidence in order to reaffirm it:

‘In a matter of months, however, Albus’s own fame had begun to eclipse that of his father. By the end of his first year, he would never again be known as the son of a Muggle-hater, but as nothing more or less than the most brilliant student ever seen at the school.’

‘He not only won every prize of note that the school offered, he was soon in regular correspondence with the most notable magical names of the day, including Nicolas Flamel, the celebrated alchemist, Bathilda Bagshot, the noted historian, and Adalbert Waffling, the magical theoretician. Several of his papers found their way into learned publications such as Transfiguration Today, Challenges in Charming and The Practical Potioneer. Dumbledore’s future career seemed likely to be meteoric, and the only question that remained was when he would become Minister for Magic. Though it was often predicted in later years, that he was on the point of taking the job, however, he never had Ministerial ambitions.’

‘Other quills will describe the triumphs of the following years. Dumbledore’s innumerable contributions to the store of wizarding knowledge, including his discovery of the twelve uses of dragon’s blood, will benefit generations to come, as will the wisdom he displayed in the many judgements he made while Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot.’

‘They say, still, that no wizarding duel ever matched that between Dumbledore and Grindelwald in 1945. Those who witnessed it have written of the terror and the awe they felt as they watched these two extraordinary wizards do battle. Dumbledore’s triumph, and its consequences for the wizarding world, are considered a turning point in magical history to match the introduction of the International Statute of Secrecy or the downfall of He Who Must Not Be Named.’

                              (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, pp.22-24)

Each of these quotations support the initial statement I made as to the strength of Dumbledore’s magical ability and the fact that his defeat of Grindelwald enabled him to attain an ‘Otherworldly status’. There are numerous characters throughout Harry Potter who treat Dumbledore’s word as law – inadvertently echoing Christian parallels that Rowling herself has stated the series has; one popular concept is that Dumbledore is a metaphor for God or Death (MTV, 2007).

I state, at one point, that the members of the Order, place Dumbledore ‘above them to such a degree that his every action is revered and accepted as “for the greater good” or because he “knows best”’ and this is something I strongly stand by.  In truth, however, not every action undertook by Dumbledore is revered or accepted willingly, there is a growing measure of bitterness in Sirius Black’s opinion on Dumbledore’s decisions in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, but, for the vast majority, they generally accept Dumbledore’s word and do not truly act to question or undermine it in any way (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, p.84). This could be construed as faith or trust in someone who has earned such respect, but there is the matter of the way in which Dumbledore is presented throughout the series up to the point of Voldemort’s return – after which the Ministry of Magic, led by Cornelius Fudge, seeks to undermine his authority through a combination of public smears and the stripping of official positions within the Ministry itself:

‘“They’re trying to discredit him,” said Lupin. “Didn’t you see the Daily Prophet last week? They reported that he’d been voted out of the Chairmanship of the International Confederation of Wizards because he’s getting old and losing his grip, but it’s not true; he was voted out by Ministry wizards after he made a speech announcing Voldemort’s return. They’ve demoted him from Chief Warlock on the Wizengamot – that’s the Wizard High Court – and they’re talking about taking away his Order of Merlin, First Class too.”’ (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, p.90)

Contrary to the belief that there is only one reference to ‘the greater good’ in regards to Dumbledore’s actions, there are, at least three. These three references are present in the last book of the series, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows:

‘He died as he lived, working always for the greater good and, to his last house, as willing to stretch out a hand to a small boy with dragon pox as he was on the day that I met him.’ (p.24)

‘Your point about wizard dominance being FOR THE MUGGLES’ OWN GOOD – this, I think, is the crucial point… We seize control FOR THE GREATER GOOD. And from this it follows that where we meet resistance, we must use only the force that is necessary and no more. (p.291)

‘I assuaged my conscience with empty words. It would all be for the greater good, and any harm done would be repaid a hundredfold in benefits for wizards.’ (p.573)

In an interview with Evan Solomon (2000), Rowling stated that she enjoyed writing Dumbledore’s character because he ‘is the epitome of goodness’ which, in my personal opinion, suggests that perhaps Rowling is unaware of the duplicity and the dichotomy present in her portrayal of Dumbledore. It is obvious that she planned for Dumbledore to be a figure worthy of sympathy and pity in the final book, but also one that was highly complex and multi-faceted – both marks of skilled writing and character development. However, this does not preclude the reality that Dumbledore’s actions and the way he is viewed by numerous characters in the series, do correspond with more fanatic actions and behaviours of religious leaders.

Fanaticism: What is it and How does it apply to Dumbledore?

The philosopher George Santayana (1905) provides a definition of fanaticism that I find quite apt and amusing in its presentation; fanaticism is the ‘redoubling [of] your effort when you have forgotten your aim’ – to be a fanatic is to belief quite stridently but to lack an accurate direction for that belief to travel.

Lehtsaar (1997) defines fanaticism as ‘the pursuit or defence of something in an extreme and passionate way that goes beyond normality’ with religious fanaticism further defined by ‘blind faith, the persecution of dissents and the absence of reality’ (p.9). It could be argued that this definition is in a way, inaccurate to apply to Dumbledore however, in an abstract manner it is not.

As Postman (1976) states, ‘the key to all fanatical beliefs is that they are self-confirming… (some beliefs are) fanatical not because they are “false”, but because they are expressed in such a way that they can never be shown to be false’ (pp.104-112).

In regards to historical events of religious fanaticism, one doesn’t need to look much further than the vast majority of European history – most especially in regards to Christianity. As Selengut (2008) in Sacred Fury: Understanding Religious Violence, points out that the Spanish Inquisition was largely the monarchy’s attempt to maintain Catholic Christianity as the dominant religion: ‘The inquisitions were attempts at self-protection and targeted primarily “internal enemies” of the church’ (p.66). What is of significance in regards to their entire discussion, can be explained in the following quotation from Selengut (2008):

‘The inquisitors generally saw themselves as educators helping people maintain correct beliefs by pointing out errors in knowledge and judgement’ (p.66, italics added)

It is this that characterises much of the fanaticism seen in regards to Dumbledore and his Order of the Phoenix. At the end of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Dumbledore is faced with the knowledge that Voldemort has returned to his former strength; this knowledge is rejected by the Minister for Magic, Cornelius Fudge, and Dumbledore’s response to contact Order members from the last war immediately. The Order then is in a similar position to the inquisitors in Selengut’s description – they see themselves as individuals who must correct incorrect beliefs with their knowledge and judgement, guided by Dumbledore.

Gall, Charbonneau and Florack (2011) in a recent study found that individuals who were the most committed to attending church found it the most difficult to cope through being tested for breast cancer (a stressful, trying experience even when a diagnosis is not given). In regards to church attendance, in most cases this includes inclusionary activities such as the community-aspect of church attendance, and often correlates with adherence to religious rules and laws. Utilising this research as support for the behaviour of Molly Weasley in the Order of the Phoenix, it is quite clear that her ability to cope successfully with the highly stressful experience of being part of the Order – which her children attempt to join repeatedly, in some cases succeeding – is highly dependent on how the degree of faith she has in the Order and Dumbledore specifically:

‘“Well,” said Mrs Weasley, breathing deeply and looking around the table for support that did not come, “well…I can see I’m going to be overruled. I’ll just say this: Dumbledore must have had his reasons for not wanting Harry to know too much”’ (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, p. 85)

Of course, the reverse is also true in respects to church attendance. Dukes (1964) found that church attendance correlated strongly with increased responsiveness to placebos, and in a study by Walters (1957) it was found that those who were highly dependent on alcohol were significantly more likely to have a religious background, thus suggesting that religious individuals are dependent not only on social values but external agents as well. Therefore, it could conversely be argued that Molly Weasley isn’t necessarily an example of religious fanaticism – although she does repeatedly express intense faith and trust toward Dumbledore – but rather a more general example of a woman who relies on her faith in others in order to function, including in her support system external systems of control and regulation that, when they directly counter her faith in Dumbledore, results in an extreme stress response.

Dumbledore is an Addict: The Fanaticism of the Deathly Hallows

In the final instalment of the Harry Potter series, we are introduced to the Deathly Hallows; three magical artefacts are incontestable strength and ability, which are sought after by some wizards in order to obtain ‘mastery’ over Death.

Peele and Brodsky (1975) provide a definition of what addiction is: ‘a person’s attachment to a sensation, an object, or another person…such as to lessen his appreciation of and ability to deal with other things in his environment, or in himself, so that he has become increasingly dependent on that experience as his only source of gratification’ (p.168). While it can obviously be pointed out that Dumbledore does not spend every moment of his life obsessing about the Deathly Hallows, there is textual evidence that he spent at least a significant amount of time interested in them:

‘The Hallows, the Hallows…a desperate man’s dream!’

‘Master of death, Harry, master of Death! Was I better, ultimately, than Voldemort?’

‘I, too, sought a way to conquer death, Harry’ (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, p.571)

‘It was the thing, above all, that dew us together [the Hallows]… two clever, arrogant boys with a shared obsession. He wanted to come to Godric’s Hollow, as I am sure you have grasped, because of the grave of Ignotus Peverell. He wanted to explore the place the third brother had died.’

‘I could hardly believe what I was seeing. I asked to borrow it, to examine it. I had long since given up my dream of uniting the Hallows, but I could not resist, could not help taking a closer look…It was a Cloak the likes of which I had never seen, immensely old, perfect in every respect…and then your father died, and I had two Hallows at last, all to myself!’ (p.572)

‘At the heart of our schemes, the Deathly Hallows! How they fascinated him, how they fascinated both of us! The unbeatable wand, the weapon that would lead us to power! The Resurrection Stone – to him, though I pretended not to know it, it meant an army of Inferi! To me, I confess, it meant the return of my parents, and the lifting of all responsibility from my shoulders… Invincible masters of death, Grindelwald and Dumbledore! Two months of insanity, of cruel dreams, and neglect of the only two members of my family left to me.’ (p.574)

While the above quotations do not overtly suggest addiction, they do imply an overwhelming, constant obsession with unattainable objects, to the point where responsibilities to others is discarded in favour of promoting the obsession. The ‘reality check’ Dumbledore received, which ultimately acted as a traumatic wake-up call, was the death of his sister in a three-way duel between Albus, his brother Aberforth and Grindelwald:

‘Reality returned, in the form of my rough, unlettered, and infinitely more admirable brother. I did not want to hear the truths he shouted at me. I did not want to hear that I could not set forth to seek Hallows with a fragile and unstable sister in tow.

‘The argument became a fight. Grindelwald lost control. That which I had always sensed in him, though I pretended not to, now sprang into terrible being. And Ariana…after all my mother’s care and caution…lay dead upon the floor.’ (p.574)

Throughout much of this commentary I have been quite disparaging towards Dumbledore, focusing intensely on his behaviour from the perspective of viewing it as religious fanaticism or addiction. However, there is one last point I’d like to make as to Dumbledore’s behaviour, something which is supported by textual evidence and underscores the concept of Dumbledore having been addicted to the idea of the Deathly Hallows – a metaphor for absolute power. That point pertains to the following quotation in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows in King’s Cross station while Harry is between life and death:

‘I…was offered the post of Minister for Magic, not once, but several times. Naturally I refused, I had learned that I was not to be trusted with power.’ (p.575)

This single statement from Dumbledore – whether he is a figment or Harry’s mind or not – is incredibly important overall for it shows an awareness of one’s character defects and a desire not to fall into them again. This sort of mindset can be seen in cases of ex-alcoholics and other such addicts who desire not to be given the temptation such easy access would provide them; Dumbledore reflects the same reluctance to accept a position of great authority such as that of Minister for Magic even though, prior to this, he greatly desired such power and influence.

In Conclusion

Ultimately, while I can disparage Dumbledore and happily despise him for willingly leaving a child in an abusive home, I cannot, in good faith, ignore the development of his own character and the strength of his own will in overcoming what he perceived as the greatest flaw of his person. I also, cannot disregard the reality that Dumbledore amassed plenty of influential power, through the belief and faith of individuals in magical Britain, but he did not actively utilise much of this influence until it became absolutely necessary.

I still stand by my initial statement that Dumbledore is a decent example of religious fanaticism, of a religious leader who is capable of manipulating others to his view, but I do draw the line on the idea that he does this maliciously; he is meant to act as a mirror to Voldemort in Harry Potter, with Harry himself becoming the ideal.

Dumbledore has been likened to God and to Death in some discussions of his place in the narrative of Harry Potter; I can accept this metaphor when considering his mirrorlike nature to Voldemort – after all, the Devil is a mirror to God with Jesus Christ acting as the ideal. God is capable of great wonder and great horror, much as Dumbledore is capable.

This has been a post of epic proportion, providing textual evidence for much of my original post on which I was questioned. Hopefully it has been educational and somewhat illuminating.