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sinnamonrolle · 3 years

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Headcanons: Endearments [Obey Me!]

❀ gender neutral ❀

! slight spoilers for Belphegor and Solomon !

I was thinking about this for a while, and I really want to share it with everyone else too.

These are gender neutral terms of endearment! And no matter how big you might be, you'll always be their lovely little human being ;)

Here are my headcanons for the terms of endearment from all 12 characters, including my reasoning for them! I had fun thinking about them.

Demon Brothers:

Lucifer

"Vesper", with variations such as "little Vesper" or "my little Vesper"

Lucifer means "Morning Star", and so after some digging online, there's actually a name for the "Evening Star'' as well, which is Vesper. Lucifer and Vesper both refer to the planet Venus, and so the reasoning behind why Lucifer would call you "Vesper'' is because he sees you as his other half, the other side of him. Together, you and him make up the brightest star in the sky.

I suppose it is more of a nickname than a term of endearment, but it's all the same. It's filled with love and adoration for you! No matter the time or place, he will always call you "Vesper" because it is also how he shows his pride in you, but he uses "darling" just as much. Leave it to him to call you his "darling Vesper."

Mammon

"Fortune", "little fortune", "my little fortune"

When you hear Mammon, of course you will think about money and physical possessions. The word "fortune" can be understood as related to the amount of owned assets, but also related to luck, chance, and destiny. So, to Mammon, you are his everything—his human, his wealth, his future. You are priceless in every way, and he’s so lucky, so fortunate to have you.

The endearment “little fortune” comes about accidentally. Mammon blurts it out one day, and he hurries to correct himself because “wait, wait, wait, I didn’t mean little fortune as in the amount because ya ain’t small at all. You’re really big—agh, that’s not what I mean! It sounds cute, okay! Little or big, it doesn’t matter. I won’t ever spend you.”

Leviathan

“Pearl”, “Henry”

I think we all know where “Henry” comes from, but what about “pearl”? Firstly, pearls are from the sea, which Leviathan is strongly related with. Leviathan himself has reptilian features—his snake-like tail, his birthmarks that resemble scales, his coral-like horns—in fact, Leviathan is known as a sea serpent. Pearls are treasures of the sea, and they are extremely beautiful as well. But there is also another connection you can make, this time with East Asian mythology. In East Asian mythology, dragons are often related to the sea, even residing in them. They are long, serpentine, wingless, but they still have two arms and two legs. They also are often depicted with a pearl, and this pearl is very, very important to the dragon. Seeing as Obey Me is a Japanese game, I think connecting Levi with an East Asian dragon isn’t too big of a stretch. Actually, there are many similarities, but there’s no need to dig into it today.

You know how Leviathan is. It will take Levi a long time before he begins using terms of endearment with you because of his insecurity. However, once he feels confident enough in using them, he’s super dramatic (and low-key romantic) with them. He’s watched enough anime and played enough games to know many terms, but is he able to use them? It’ll depend on how comfortable and confident he feels.

Satan

“Precious”, “beloved”, (and of course) “kitten”

Satan is extremely well read. This means that his arsenal is particularly wide. “Kitten” is a term that many of us may find familiar, and understandably so. We all know Satan’s love for cats. But I think Satan, as a being who is born from emotions, is more sensitive to them than others, and they make up an important part of him. Which is why, despite his large arsenal of endearments, he uses the “simpler” ones, but the ones that he does use, there’s a lot of emotions behind them. You are simply precious to him, and the most befitting endearment for it would be “precious”. There is nothing sweeter than a pure “beloved” filled only with love for you.

Asmodeus

“Treasure”, “jewel”, “my love”

If Asmo is the jewel of heaven, then you are the “treasure” of his life. You are as beautiful as a “jewel”, and you reflect the light like a “jewel” as well. The love they show you is reflected back twice as strong. For Asmo, his endearments for you don't come from the physical value behind them. In fact, Asmo himself doesn’t care for treasures or jewels, but out of them all, you are his “treasure”, his “jewel”, his “love”. He puts you equivalent (or maybe even higher) than himself, and he wants to show it to you not only through actions, but words as well.

Beelzebub

“Pudding” (and perhaps, other cute food endearments)

We all know how much Beel loves food, and we all know how much Beel loves his family, and so it’s almost obvious why Beel calls you “pudding.” As a human, you are squishy, squishier than demons, and you are also delicious looking. You smell good, you look good, and the comfort that food brings to Beel is equivalent if not greater than how you soothe and comfort him.

Although, while Beel loves calling you cute endearments, it makes him hungry, so he has to hold back on them. I guess that means more endearments when he’s full, but when he has to cope with his hunger and there’s no food around, Beel calls you by a wonderful amount of endearments. You do have to be careful though! He might decide to sample you. (In what ways? Who knows, heh.)

Belphegor

“My little sun”, “little sun”

He doesn’t call you his “little sun” because you are little, but because Beel is his bigger sun. Beel was in his life first, and then you came. But the order doesn’t really matter to Belphie because you are still a very important sun to him. In the twins’ bedroom, Beel has a sun motif on his side, and Belphie has a moon motif. Belphie is more comfortable with the darkness (literally and figuratively), so to him, you are his light that shines through and guides him to a better place. You are everything that he needs to survive.

Belphie’s trauma has affected him greatly, even if it doesn’t seem like it. So it takes a long time until he gets really attached to you, but when he does, he can’t live without you. Calling you his little sun is placing you in his heart, at the same level as Beel (Or perhaps even higher).

Other Demons:

Diavolo

“Little gold nugget”, “gold nugget”, “nugget”, “little nugget”

Contrary to how it may first sound, “little gold nugget” isn’t to diminish your value or your worth. To Diavolo, who probably has a low-key obsession with gold, “little gold nugget” is super adorable. He’s also never really been called an endearment before, nor has he ever called someone by one, so this is all new territory to him. Also, as a future king and a prince, everyone is important to him as his citizens. Diavolo is the king above all nuggets, but you in particular are his “little gold nugget.” He also wants you to call him by an endearment, a term only used for him, but that is something for you to decide on.

Barbatos

The closest thing to an endearment would be “Your Grace” for Barbatos. “Puffling”, if you can get him drunk enough (I’m somewhat joking here).

If you’re expecting something else, I’m afraid Barbatos is too polite, too cautious to simply throw around the usual terms of endearment. In fact, I think from the way Barbatos is, he turns a way of addressing nobility into an endearment for you only. However, if you do manage to worm an endearment out of him, he will jokingly call you a “puffling” after baby puffins. I think he finds them adorable, but it isn’t a serious endearment. Barbatos won’t be caught dead calling you a “puffling”—not because he doesn't want to—but because it’s not at all appropriate. He has an image to keep.

Angels:

Simeon

“Little sparrow”, “little droplet”, “little lamb”

“Little lamb” is a familiar term, and “little sparrow” is also something Simeon calls you. A sparrow represents many wonderful things, like joy, love, good fortune, luck, and so on, and Simeon considers you every one of those things and more. Like sparrows, droplets are also fragile—ephemeral in their lives. Droplets fall and disappear so easily. But droplets also signify uniqueness in that one droplet is separated from other collections of water. To Simeon, you stand out among others. You are wonderful, joyful, full of life, and so, so beautiful.

Luke

“Lamb” (perhaps “lambling”? I’m really unsure.)

He means it in a platonic way!! Like a guardian angel to a baby human, except that baby human is you.

We all see Luke as a child, but Luke, in this case, doesn’t see himself as one. He’s way, way older than you, and so while he is still immature among other angels, he’s lived way longer than you have. It might seem weird to have him call you an endearment, but you are a lamb in his eyes—pure, kind, gentle. You are someone who must be protected! And so while Luke doesn’t use endearments too much with you, he will use it when he’s feeling a little playful or dramatic. He prefers your own name because he loves how it sounds.

Human:

Solomon

“Little star”, “breadcrumbs” (as a joke)

Solomon has lived for who knows how long. As a human who has lived for that long, his mentality towards certain things might be a bit different from a regular human. Attachment is difficult for him due to his lifespan, and this is reflected in his attitude. Many people are fleeting in his life. The mundane becomes hard to appreciate after so long. Even memories erode after a lifetime. There is no particularly heavy sentiment behind “little star”, but he has begun to consider you as a part of his destiny, a star in the constellation of his life. And like a star, you appear so far away from him, so unapproachable due to how you are always surrounded by others. He can only appreciate you from afar, until you let him close.

“Breadcrumbs” is a lighthearted endearment that he once heard somewhere in the human world. When he calls you “breadcrumbs”, he doesn’t mean anything at all by it, only that it sounds absolutely ridiculous but also so adorable at the same time. It’s an amusing endearment he heard in his long, long life. “It’s the joy in the little things, and breadcrumbs are exactly that—little things,” Solomon will say, but no need to take him seriously. You will always be the star twinkling brightly in his life.

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Feel free to add what you think the characters would use as terms of endearment! I wanted something special for each character, so that's why this post was made lol

(If there are any errors, I will catch them sooner or later. Please, don't mind them.)

Masterlist!

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makeste · 4 years

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I was originally going to send this message declaring my undying love for your metas and chapter reviews aND THEN - AND THEN MAKESTE - I READ THE ANSWER WHERE YOU SAID YOU WERE ARO AND THAT MAKES ME SOOOOO HAPPY. I'm aroace and it is SO FRUSTRATING to want to consume platonic or familial interaction between people and CONSTANTLY only get romantic or sexual. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR EVERYTHING YOU CONTRIBUTE

woooo up top! solidarity lol.

for me it’s like... I don’t know if “frustrating” is the word I would use, but I do wish there was more gen out there. and that’s also something I’ve felt awkward about wanting in the past, because my early fandom years took place in a time where slash was much less of an everyday commonplace thing than it is now, and liking it was still a fairly controversial thing. the internet was a much more openly homophobic place than it is now. like, picture the purity police of modern day tumblr, but if they attacked any kind of non-heterosexual relationship as being sick and perverted and wrong. that was pretty much the general vibe. this was before AO3, and people who wrote slash often didn’t post it on ff.net and only posted it to their own private blogs and/or locked and moderated communities instead just so they wouldn’t be harassed. and there was absolutely no canon representation out there at all, or next to none. it was very much a “[rolls eyes] oh the yaoi fangirls are at it again” sort of thing where non-cishet relationships in fiction and fanfiction were at best not taken seriously at all, and at worst were treated with outright scorn and disgust.

and so like, with this being a common attitude at the time, I felt guilty for not always wanting to read slash myself. like, I don’t mind reading about romantic relationships at all, but for me there also has to be some other kind of element in play as well, or else it’s just not going to click for me. if a fic is just romance, just a lot of pining and slow burn stuff without anything else really going on in the plot, I just get bored and disinterested. I almost want to use the word tired, even though I’m not sure that makes much sense. I just can’t connect to the emotions, and so I disengage pretty quickly. and so I tend to steer clear of time-honored fandom staples like coffee shop AUs or And They Were Roommates, just because for me there’s rarely anything there for me to latch onto. I like angst, but I can’t relate to “so and so doesn’t feel the same way about me”, or “I want to be with them so bad but I don’t know how to confess”, or “they’re with someone else and it hurts like crazy every time I see them and know we can’t be together”, because none of those are emotions that I have ever personally felt, and I just can’t make myself feel them. what I can relate to are things like “this person makes me feel safe”, or “I feel a strong connection to this person”, or “I trust this person more than anyone else” because those feelings aren’t exclusively romantic in nature. I can relate to closeness and caring and love and affection and trust, but what I can’t relate to is the feeling of having a single person occupy all of your thoughts all the time, and very badly wanting to be the most important thing in their life as well, and feeling incomplete otherwise.

but anyway I spiraled away from the point I was trying to get to, which is that for a long time I actually felt guilty about feeling this way. because even though it’s rare to find fanworks where gen/platonic relationships are at the center, actual canon is chock full of said relationships. and so it’s like, what right do I even have to complain when I get to read all the time about so and so being friends, but the people who actually want them to be in a relationship in the actual canon so rarely get to see that actually happen. because that much has not changed in the past 20 years, even though society has become far more accepting of LGBTQ+ relationships. most canons are still far more likely to tease a non-hetero ship -- on purpose, even, hence why queerbaiting is a thing -- than actually commit to it. and so I often feel like I have no right to voice my desire for more genfic, because genfic has never faced the same kind of scrutiny as slashfic. gen has always been acceptable, and there is plenty of canon representation of platonic and non-romantic relationships, and so it’s not something I have any business whining about.

and even now I feel fairly uncomfortable voicing this lol. I write almost exclusively genfic myself, and up until very recently, I’ve always defined gen in my head as being just a lack of romantic or sexual content, rather than being its own distinct category. I think that’s one of the reasons it took me so long to realize I was aro (that, and I’d honestly never even come across the term until just a few years ago). for me, my lack of interest in romantic affection always felt more like a lack of identity rather than an identity in and of itself. I always felt like I was missing something. and for a very long time it never occurred to me that this might be a permanent thing; I just figured, okay, I just haven’t had this feeling yet. it just hasn’t happened for me yet. but eventually it would, and I just hadn’t met the right person, or whatever. but it was never anything I particularly wanted, and I never felt like I was missing out on anything by not having it. I never felt any kind of longing for it or felt incomplete without it. I was actually perfectly content!

but because society treats romantic orientation as the norm and places such a huge emphasis on it, I still had the uncomfortable feeling in the back of my head that if I never fell in love with someone and never wound up having a relationship with someone, my life would somehow be less meaningful and whole. like, we’re raised to think that romantic love is basically the pinnacle of the human experience, the purest and truest emotion that anyone can feel. and at the same time, there’s this idea that a life without that kind of love is just sad and unfulfilling and tragic. and so for a very long time my experience with my own aromanticism was characterized by me thinking of it as a lack of something that everyone else said was very important. and it took a long time to realize that that wasn’t the case, and that it was a valid orientation all its own and not just a matter of me being deficient in some way. and that was actually such a relief to finally come to terms with. I can be whole and complete on my own and still have a rich and fulfilling human experience even if I never experience romantic love, and that’s fine. I’m not missing anything. I’m not wrong for feeling like I’m not missing anything. it’s fine to be content with just me as I am. like, holy shit. and that was such a weight off my shoulders to finally get that.

I once wrote a fic which I was and still am very proud of. it was a genfic, and it had a really intricate plot with a big twist at the very end. and there was a ton of emotion in it, and it got very intense at times, because these were two characters who cared a lot about each other and would literally die for each other if they had to, and I’d put them in a situation where that possibility was very much looming over their heads at every turn. and I really put everything I had into trying to convey that kind of bond as strongly as possible. like I poured a ton of my heart and soul into that fic. and the responses were almost universally positive and kind and made me really happy.

there was one response though, that still sticks with me to this day. it was by and large very positive, just like the others. but it ended with a single sentence that, at the time, kind of just lowkey gutted me. Not gonna lie though, would have loved some slash in there.

like, that just cut me. way more than this person actually intended, I think. I’m pretty sure they just meant it as an offhanded comment, not even a concrit or anything. just “haha would have loved it if they’d kissed though lol.” but it stung. because this was something I’d put every ounce of emotion that I could conjure up into. and even though it wasn’t mean to be hurtful in any way, to me that comment read as “this is still missing something.” because there was no romance, the fic was incomplete. the characters’ feelings were incomplete. even though I’d struggled so much to convey all of these complex emotions which to me were so real and powerful, and even though the comment even acknowledged that I had by and large done so effectively, to me the single takeaway that stuck was that the feelings were less meaningful because there was no romance.

and that felt like a failing on my part. I even apologized for it. and here we are, ten years later, and that comment still pops up in my head any time I feel the urge to talk about a popular ship which I support but which I also enjoy as just a friendship. “just” a friendship. I still feel guilt over that. I still feel this urge to overexplain that I’m not trying to invalidate the actual romantic ship. I worry that I’d be perceived as ungrateful and/or a bad ally if I ever just came out and said “I wish there was more gen” like you were able to say so freely, anon. I worry about people getting offended if I were to say “I headcanon so and so as being aroace” because it might be viewed as an attack on their ships, or as latent homophobia, or something. like I have this paranoid fear that people might take it as me being puritanical and all “oh no, icky sex” or whatever, and so I end up just never bringing it up at all.

and that’s the thing about aromanticism, though; it’s so easy to just never talk about it at all, because for so many people it is just defined as a lack of something, rather than a something all on its own. it’s so easy for it to be something you just never bring up, and which just kind of quietly exists as the boring, bland, inoffensive yet uninteresting lack of a relationship; the default blank slate that most everyone is dying to fill in as soon as possible, except for you. and I’ve gone on thinking about it that way myself for so long that I’m still struggling now to sort out how to embrace it as an actual identity. it’s something I still have a lot of work to do on I guess.

anyway! so that all got very long and rambling and personal, far more so than I intended; clearly I have a lot of pent up thoughts and feelings about this lol. I guess I probably could stand to talk about it more, since the evidence would indicate that I clearly want to. but eh, baby steps. but anyways you are super valid anon and thank you so much for the love and comments. <3

#aromanticism #meta #aromanticism in fandom #personal #long post #ask #anon ask #hey um just an addendum this is a pro aroace post NOT an anti-shipping post #just to make that clear #like you can be for one thing without bashing the other #so if you want to reblog this that is awesome and I'm grateful #but please don't use it as a launching pad for any weird toxic 'shipping is bad' takes please and thanks

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bethanyeliseart · 4 years

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Rise of Skywalker, a movie I genuinely loved!

Ok so I've had almost a full day to think about my thoughts on Rise of Skywalker. Right from leaving the cinema, I knew that I loved this movie! Sure it had it's flaws but every single Star Wars movie does and I like to think the positives outweigh them. It had amazing cinematography, the adventure was there, and all the emotions that come with Star Wars.

SPOILERS AHEAD

I think first I'll talk about the flaws because I love ending things on a cheery note. First, Rose Tico was pushed to the sidelines and I wish we got to see more of her character arc. I think after seeing the backlash some fans had for Rose, JJ was afraid to have her in the spotlight. She could've done more. I would've liked to see her interact more with Finn even platonically. And interact with Rey.

Second, I'm a huge Anakin Skywalker fan so part of me feels like they disrespected his arc in this movie with Palpatine being back. I kinda felt like it was all for nothing. But then I did see some other reviews that said he brought balance for a long time, but balance isn't permanent. So that post brought me some peace on that, thanks to who wrote it (I can't remember who, sorry!).

Third, Ben Solo's death. So I'm not sure if I just hate it because I loved his character or if it really wasn't a good decision. Star Wars stuck to their algorithm of redeeming the villain but to only kill him seconds later. We already saw this with Anakin. Did we have to see it again? Then again it was really meaningful that he sacrificed himself for Rey. Maybe he's still alive somewhere, idk I'm in denial still.

Ok so now onto things I liked/loved which is a lot, but I'm not good with reviews so I might not name all!

First I must say that I loved Rey and Ben's relationship and chemistry. There isn't too much dialogue, but you can see how much they care for one another through expressions. Props to Adam Driver for conveying so much in just looks and actions. The way he looked when he found Rey's dead body was so heartbreaking. He looked so vulnerable.

Also the way Rey was so relieved to see Ben after he brought her back. She smiled like he was this bright light. And oh my, my heart fluttered when they kissed. It's probably just me being the huge romantic that I am, but that was one of my favorite parts. From the beginning they had a strong emotional connection. In TLJ we can see how strongly they feel for one another. Ben wants her to be by his side constantly and really opens up to her. Rey does the same. She let's her self open up about her past and desire to belong somewhere/someone to Ben. In my mind, the buildup was there. It saddens me that it had to be a tragic romance, but Star Wars always has that tragedy. Ben also showed that hope leads somewhere. Rey held onto hope that he would return to the light and he did. He was at peace when he died.

Second thing I loved was the trio of Rey, Finn, and Poe in this movie! We have been waiting to see them all in action together since TFA. And JJ did not disappoint. The banter between the three flowed nicely and was comedic. It felt like a family. It was also so nice to see Rey interacting with Poe! You can tell they have spent a lot of time with each other. For those who think Rey is alone, she has these two guys for her family.💛

The scene where all the ships showed up last minute gave me Endgame vibes and I loved it. Especially when the main theme started.

The entire be with me scene in the throne room was chilling and awestrucking! (wow that first part of that sentence just threw back to GoT😨) When Rey looks up into the sky and the lightning fades to the calm and serene stars I too felt so relaxed. The soft music was so lovely, John Williams never fails. Hearing the jedi voices was what had me smiling like an idiot, especially hearing Anakin's voice saying "Bring balance as I once did". (I guess that's proving that his arc wasn't completely ruined). I would've loved to see Hayden Christensen, but I appreciate that we got to hear his voice.

Was anyone else so surprised to see Han even as a memory? It's not even that I was surprised because of how it goes into the plot, because it makes perfect sense for Ben to look back and remember his last interaction with his father. His father would be the key in him returning to the light. It just surprised me because I did not expect Harrison Ford to show up on set of Star Wars ever again😂. It was a very nice and welcome surprise though. From the moment he killed Han, you could tell Ben felt regret and remorse. I also loved that Leia reached out to her son one last time, showing Ben that his family has not given up on him.

LEIA! It was so awesome to see her training as a jedi with a lightsaber! That flashback gave me so many chills. I loved how Leia continued to train Rey even though she knew she was related to Palpatine. It shows that Leia doesn't judge someone based off blood. Leia loved Rey and had faith in her. People can't help where they came from.

It was so sad to see Leia die but we all know it was going to happen. Chewie's reaction was so emotional and made me shed a tear. The galaxy will remember Princess Leia and Carrie Fisher forever.❤

The Ending

Overall, I loved the ending. Sure I'm still devastated that Ben is dead, but looking at the big picture it was good/satisfying.

People are saying that Rey didn't grieve Ben and she moved on too quick. I think she knows that he will always be with her because no one's ever really gone. He is one with the force. (Ngl, part of me likes to believe he is alive out there somewhere or waiting to come back).

Also as I said before Rey still has people she loves! Finn and Poe are still alive and there for her.

This is just the way I saw it, but I don't think Rey plans to stay on Tatooine very long/permanently. Rey didn't start and end the same way. She has a family now (Poe and Finn) and knows who she is. I think she went there to pay respect to the Skywalker family, it is where it all started with Shmi and her son, Anakin. She buried the lightsabers because they are no longer needed (her new lightsaber is beautiful btw) And don't hate me, but I don't mind her calling herself Rey Skywalker. She felt a deep connection to the family and both Luke and Leia took her under their wing. She doesn't care for/need the name Palpatine. It's not who she is. Which brings me to people being mad that Rey wasn't a nobody. I respect their reasons and everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but I don't think it hurt her character arc. Rey being related to the worst Star Wars villain and still not falling to his dark ways shows how strong she is! She defeated him and brought balance once again to the galaxy despite being his blood.

The ending shot was beautiful and was a perfect way to end the Skywalker saga. The binary sunset and theme was ethereal. It's how the movies started and it's how it ended.

Star Wars is tragic, romantic, and hopeful. This movie showed all of those things. We lost Ben but he felt love again with Rey. Hope was restored with him turning back to the light and Rey defying expectations of a Palpatine. Personally, I loved this movie so much and it did not let me down.

Feel free to add anything you liked about the movie!

#rise of skywalker spoilers #tros spoilers #star wars #rise of skywalker #rey #reylo #ben solo #anakin skywalker #also would've loved to hear padmé's name mentioned #the galaxy forgot her #the rise of skywalker #rise of skywalker review

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uwua3 · 4 years

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are you in love?

🌻🎨 miyoshi kazunari

summary: it’s selfish, he knows that, but kazunari doesn’t know who he is out of love

warnings: heartbreak, desparation, self–hatred, mental illness (depression), fear, toxic relationships, alcohol

author’s note: this is extremely personal(?) and i knew i had to write about it or else the concept would eat away at me until i did TT i couldn’t write about anything else so this stayed. it’s shorter than what i usually write, so i apologize! this is not kazunari x reader, this is more so a personal piece on kazu’s loveless life and how it plays into his mental heath

i chose kazunari for this because of his one true purpose of being a people–pleaser. i relate to kazunari in the sense he doesn’t feel valid unless he’s loved and needed by friends, so this is my interpretation of his perception on love. please know, i love you so much. you are loved by this author and you are valued, noticed, and seen. i love you, please do not feel alone, i believe in you! i am here for you anytime, my messages are always open ♡

word count: 1,347

music: still with you – bts (jungkook)

Are you in love?

Always, Kazunari would respond. There was never a moment where his heart wasn’t tattooed with another unworthy name, the letters inked with the flower petals he’d grow in his lungs, hopelessly pining after someone he knew would never be with him. Kazunari fell in love with those he knew were unattainable in a way he couldn’t help but long for. They would never love him back in this lifetime, he knew that, but he couldn’t help it! He was in love, wasn’t that enough?

Kazunari had his heart on his sleeve for anyone to take and break anytime they pleased. All it took was a single compliment, maybe a meaningless romantic gesture as well, and Kazunari was yours. A smile for him made his heart flutter. His heart’s angel wings beat against his ribcage and feathers fell to the ground. A lingering hug made the butterflies crash around his caged stomach. His energy felt like a sugar rush from how sweet love was. A text, a conversation, a casual meet up, a stare, anything was capable of having Kazunari daydream about you for weeks on end. His potential soulmate, someone he was fated to love!

Everyone had a soulmate, Kazunari believed wholeheartedly. To think that a person was born into this world with a red string looped around their future’s pinky. Or whenever you walked past them for the first time, a bell rung inside each of your heads and caused you to look back. Kazunari believed in almost every soulmate myth, brushing his hands over his features after learning his face was supposed to resemble the person he loved the most in his last lifetime. He loved himself in that moment, but it’s one of the few he doesn’t particularly care for.

Kazunari also liked dotting his i’s with minature hearts, practiced cursive just like all those romance classics advised him to. Signed every single letter of his with the complimentary closing, “Love, Kazunari”, knowing he meant it every single time. Kissed each envelope even if he wasn’t wearing bright red lipstick just to imagine their fingers passing over the faint shape of his lips. It was the feeling of knowing he was in love and his purpose was to love endlessly, it was the role he was born to play.

This meant Kazunari was in love with everyone. Anyone could steal his heart and sign their name like it was a yearbook, anyone could occupy his mind all the time and make him fantasize about a wonderful future together. It was all he knew; Kazunari only knew how to love, love, love. He was born to love as much as possible, that was his purpose.

It was the feeling—the feeling that he was meant for something. That Kazunari was born to love, to be made of love, to give love and never receive. Kazunari had never been out of love, he was constantly hitting himself with cupid’s arrow and gaining another forced scar in the process. To write all those heartfelt foolish love letters no one read, to create the most perfect playlist curated with songs that represented who they were at their best, to doodle their name with hearts all around it with a lovesick smile, wasn’t that love?

Why wasn’t it enough?

Why didn’t anyone love him back? Where was his soulmate? Was he really, unlovable? Kazunari always had lovey dovey smile on his face, the split image of another Valentine’s Day. Did they not like the romance that came with him saying “I love you” too soon? What was wrong with wanting to fake date just for a little bit; nothing could go wrong from that! Why did platonically holding hands and random, intimate skin contact suddenly become inappropiate and “too much”? Kazunari did everything right to be the best boyfriend possible, the type you’d post on social media about how he would do anything for you. But, when it came down to it, maybe it was him. Maybe, he was the problem.

Could no one ever truly love him? Did he not have a soulmate, was he destined to be loveless? Kazunari was in love with everybody but himself, and that was his crucial downfall. He’d let anyone who pretended to be nice to him do anything they wanted, use him senseless until he was nothing but a shell. He would gladly hurt himself in the process as long as you knew he loved you with his whole heart, everything he did came from his need to love. It all connected to love, it was the root of all his problems, having such a big heart that had enough space to take anyone in.

Relationships were everything to him, Kazunari couldn’t stay single for long before someone took advantage of his relentless charm and obvious desperation. Although they never lasted long or sometimes never even happened after being led on, Kazunari documented each one in his diary every night. Most times, he would gush about how romantic the date was and his feelings of being a lovesick puppy. Other times, he’d find his words smudged with the uncontrollable sobs he’d try to hold in as he struggled to write prettily on the creased paper. Kazunari would deny that he’s never had a happy, healthy relationship in his life, but it was the truth he couldn’t see with his rose vision.

After all, all red flags look like regular flags when you’re wearing pink heart–shaped rose–tinted glasses!

Kazunari closed the door behind him softly, hitting his head against the surface with a thud as he slid down, landing on the ground with a tired sigh. Another unfortunately unsuccessful break–up; at least it was in person this time, and not over DMs like always. His pink blazer and heart–printed vest suddenly felt extremely tight, as he ran his hand through his hair only to knock over the heart–shaped sunglasses upon his head.

The room was dark, it was late, he supposed. He couldn’t remember who he kissed that night after relying on alcohol to make him feel alive, he barely registered their invasive grip on him or the empty promises and manipulative lies. At least he had enough sense in him to go home, to avoid anything that would make the wound of his last love even worse. Kazunari blinked away the tears as he pulled out his phone, scrolling through previous texts with a sad smile. All he could see were stickers he spammed, and their one–word responses if he was lucky.

Of course it was him who did everything, again. Kazunari pushed himself up, wobbling on his feet as he unsteadily made way to his desk. His clumsy hands tipped over cups of art supplies, cursing underneath his breath as his blurry vision tried to find what he was looking for. Got it! Kazunari scraped his chair against the floor as he fell onto his seat loudly, pulling his lamp string to cast a yellow haze over the diary. Another one for the records, Kazunari hurriedly spilled his heart onto the pages as he relived his most recent break–up.

It wouldn’t be long before he found himself on those dating apps again, flirting away effortlessly and becoming the ideal type he knew the other person was attracted to. He’d take selfies that made him look perfect, filter and FaceTune alike. Updated his socials with a “new me!” attitude to gain more attention. Someone would catch his heart again and Kazunari would crush over them with every heart emoji ever. It was a habit he couldn’t handle anymore, it was out of his control.

It sounded wrong, Kazunari knew that, but he didn’t feel real if he wasn’t in love. Kazunari didn’t know who he was outside of the love he had for others, and as he swiped right for anyone, he didn’t want to find out.

Are you in love?

Kazunari caught himself in the mirror the next day, staring at his blank reflection as he looked away witn an indescribable expression.

Yes, just not with himself.

#miyoshi kazunari #kazunari miyoshi #a3! act! addict! actors!#a3!#act! addict! actors!#a3! actor training game #a3! one shots #act! addict! actors! one shots #mankai a3!#mankai company #a3! kazunari #a3 kazunari

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madamecaos · 4 years

Text

Just co-stars

where Harry is in a movie and Y/N is his co-star and romantic interest.

Warning: a bit of angst, maybe fluff.

Just co-stars

“... Yes, it has been a lovely experience.” Harry, more than gratified with his answer, got comfortable into the lightweight chair, wireless mic hidden between the ruffles of his white prominent blouse.

You never being the one fall behind, followed suit.

The movie ratings had gone splendidly, the audience loving the instant connection between the young pair that played a stranded couple on the verge of divorce in a rom-com, if one could call it that since it’s plot didn’t derive of comedy. Their genuine like for each other obliged with every checklist within the genre; like-able, clumsy-ish and yet, relatable, or at least you read in the latest Teen Vogue article.

“It couldn’t have gone better.” You added into the conversation and the interviewer fleetly shuffled through her cue cards until landing on her next question.

The same bit of the same scene had to be repeated several times and already the sun of the next dawn was peeking through the bleary sash window. Enervation suffocated the atmosphere that encompassed through the crews’ bones and your eyelids, irritation running through every sentence and every word, even if scripted.

It was a tight fit and only the main crew, sound, camera and lighting were allowed in, other than you and Harry of course. A little apartment simulating the look of an impoverished studio in New York city found the main couple stranded between what they said and what they truly meant… oddly relatable.

Usually emotions coming from real places in your life helped you convey of faux ones, even if unrelated. This time, it was the opposite.

You kept messing up the words, failing to comply with the emotion of the scene and the director was set on getting the perfect shot, a sequence of a fight and then a superficial reconciliation between the characters.

In the end, it was mostly your fault at this point, even if that little stubborn part of yours tried to blame Harry just a little bit.

In a cold night on November, one of the producers set a little barbecue for the cast to bond and to know each other better before filming. This was set to be your first big project, only student films and local theater as your experience.

Everyone, even the biggest Hollywood names had been overly friendly to you, especially Harry, who you surprisingly met before knowing you had the role in the audition.

After several table readings, he slightly kept you apart from others, arms around your shoulders or your hips, cold thick rings digging into your flesh lightly until they became warm for being close to you for too long.

An improvised little bonfire was set in the middle of the reunion and Harry, as his usual affection, had his left arm around your shoulders, fingers undeniably tugging a curl around his fingers.

You weren’t really paying attention to the conversation around you, several drinks into your system and the fire in front of you romanticizing the cold night with flickering lights.

“So what now? ‘Will travel alone?” Ryan, one of the director’s assistant who had indubitably invited himself, tried to keep up with the light chat around him.

“I’m almost 30. I have to enjoy my free years while I can” He lowly commented to Ryan, a gray beret hiding rumpled curls that reached the slight stubble.

You felt yourself pulling away not knowing if he noticed.

Sometimes, in most cases, anger over hurt felt better.

Anger meant blindness, realization and the possibility of nulling an attachment that wasn’t really there and yet, this bitterness didn’t feel yours.

“All right, we’ll try this again. We have to finish this before the sun is completely out or we’ll have to do this tomorrow.” The director tilted his head down and promptly looked at you through the upper rim of his glasses. “We good?”

A nod was your only response and handed the script to the makeup artist lightly powdering your face for the seventh time this night, well, now morning.

Harry stood up from the hole-covered maroon loveseat and went back to the center of the dimly lit living room, steps slightly shuffling over the burgundy aged carpet. After that night filled with drinks and some indirect confessions, he hadn’t felt the need to interact with you outside of his line of work, other than niceties of a coworker being polite.

He was looking at you and for someone who’s overly expressive, he looked emotionless.

He was looking at you like he knew.

You returned his stare and got into position.

“And action!” The director sat back and the room went silent.

“I came to find you.” Harry, in comparison to other takes, looked exhausted.

“Then, you found me.” You went towards the cabinet to serve yourself a drink as directed. “Want one?”

“No, I…”

You expected his line, one of the-if not the- easiest of his dialogue.

“I…”

��Want one?” You tried again with flushed cheeks as everyone’s stare was on the two of you; his feelings and your reaction.

“I-I…”

“No thanks? Then, more for me... Cheers.” The clink of your glass filled with a little bit of Iced Tea simulating was the only sound in the room for a while, the stare of the director intensifying.

You kept to the script, adrenaline forbidding you for another mess up by your part. Now it seemed like you and Harry exchanged roles.

“I…”

“What? I what?” Exasperated and annoyed you went off script and expected the imminent cut by the director, but when you turned to face Harry, at your peripheral you saw the director’s hand rise up, crew on standby and cameras still rolling.

“I… dance with me.”

Your eyebrows furrowed, confusion genuine.

He beckoned you to walk towards him, hand extended in invitation.

This certainly wasn’t part of the script or the movie.

He tried again and your curiosity didn’t let you flee like your instinct obliged you to.

“Please?”

You took his hand, slender, ringless and yet opaquing yours by size. He gently pulled you closer until nothing but your clothing fit between you. His other hand guided your free hand onto his shoulder before encircling you, set position firm at your lower back. He pulled you even closer if possible until your body molded to his.

You hadn’t been so close to him for so long. Even after a long day on set, he smelled fresh with a hint of peppermint.

Warmth enveloped you and it brought you to that night beside the bonfire.

Harry started to slightly rocking the two of you, a slow and intimate pace set between a sea of people staring intently at your act.

His eyes didn’t leave yours but you didn’t feel like facing him so you tilted your head down, forehead brushing the hollowness of his cheekbone.

“Why are we dancing?” You whispered, imagining that if you were to speak louder, the intimate bubble would burst.

He took a moment to answer, like he usually did, as if savoring the words to say was his favorite pastime.

“I’m sorry.” He leaned back, obliging you to meet his eyes. “That’s why we’re dancing, because I’m sorry.”

“I don’t… You don’t have anything to be sorry for.” Yet again, his stare was too intense for you to match, but he didn’t leave you with any options as he stopped the rocking and leaned back even more, separating you completely with hands still not letting you go.

“You know I do. What I said- back when… How’ve been treating you, is not what I feel.”

You looked for an answer in his expression, not really understanding if his apology meant a chance to reunite what never was there in the first place.

You had a platonic friendship and nothing more. Did he want to go back to that, go back to nothing?

“It’s ok. Don’t worry about it.”

The two of you assumed back the position until you found your head leaning down on his chest, arms circling his waist and his encasing yours.

His cheek now found a resting place at the top of your head and your eyes started to water.

Did he do this in front of everyone so you wouldn’t overreact?

...is this just part of the scene?

“Y/N…”

That certainly wasn’t the name of the character.

“Look at the sun.”

The two of you didn’t move for a bit as the sun of the next dawn peeked through the bleary sash window, painting the room in sunlight, seeing you two as close as the air would let.

“Did you know that the sun is a star?”

Of course your instinct was to roll your eyes and grin but you didn’t dare to move.

You didn’t feel like saying anything else... then everything felt warm. Everything felt right again.

“Ok, cut!”

“It couldn’t have gone better.” You added into the conversation and the interviewer fleetly shuffled through her cue cards until landing on her next question, not before Harry discreetly circled his pinky with yours.

“Yes, you could say...” He leaned in, promptly letting you know that another bad joke was coming. “... we were golden.”

A/N: Thinking about writing more about co-stars. Let me know if you would like to see more. Unrevised (as always).

Requests are open!

Masterlist

#Harry Styles #harry styles imagine #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles blurb #madamecaos #masterlist.madamecaos

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leothelionsaysgrrrr · 3 years

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💋🍒🧡📙🍋🌠 for EREN bc i miss him

THANK U BB I MISS THE BIG GRUMPY MAN TOO :’)

💋 How affectionate are they with their friends? Their family? Their romantic partner(s) (if they have any)? Are they more physical or emotional when it comes to displaying their affection? Why?

Eren's not an inherently affectionate person, but his family all are and have been his whole life. He’s fine with that, mostly, because they generally understand and respect his boundaries, and because being affectionate with his parents and grandparents and siblings and their wives and children doesn’t draw the same kind of scrutiny as showing the slightest hint of interest in friendship or romance does. Historically, he’s always been aloof and insisted he have his own space and time to be alone, focused almost entirely on his training or work. It became something of a game amongst his peers to see who could get him to smile at or speak to them, or even to try to seduce him, which let’s be real is pretty uncomfortable and embarrassing. It’s a shame because he’s capable of being really gentle and sweet, but he only feels comfortable sharing that part of himself with the person it’s directed to when they’re in private, and only when he knows it isn’t just for show or going to end up with the whole clan talking about it behind his back.

🍒 What kind of things do they expect from their relationships? Does this differ between platonic relationships and romantic ones? Is your OC “demanding” or a door mat? What kinds of things do people expect from them in a relationship?

Like with his family, he expects that they understand he has boundaries and respect them, that they pursue friendship or romance with him based on his own merit and not based on his relationship to anyone else, and that they have some patience with him. He does really, really like to be alone and given his own space, and he appreciates when people wait to be invited into it rather than intruding or acting entitled to his time and space. I wouldn’t call him demanding, since he’d never dictate to anyone else what they should or shouldn’t do or want out of life, but he knows what he wants and won’t compromise to be with someone if it means he has to give up on his goals or give in to things he doesn’t want. The worst thing to him is someone who doesn’t see him as Eren, but rather as ‘Tasalin’s brother’ or ‘Nathra’s son’ or even ‘Davhal’s apprentice’ or something else to that effect, and who would see him as their friend/lover/husband rather than his own person. He wants to be recognized on his own merit for his own accomplishments, and framing him and what he’s done or is capable of doing as someone else’s doing is a really low blow to him and basically guarantees the end of any relationship with him of any kind.

🧡 Who is your OC’s favourite person? Why is this person the top of their list and have they actually met them (an idol or rolemodel or celeb can be someone’s favourite after all!).

Probably the younger of Tasalin’s twin sons, Ashralan. He’s a quiet boy who’s often considered quite strange, but Eren’s been able to connect with him and understand him where he often confuses everyone else. He also loves his mother, Lilya, a great deal, as she’s always been nothing but kind and supportive to him even if she hasn’t always understood him very well. Tasalin was his favorite person for a long time, but their relationship has been strained since Tasalin removed him from warrior training and sent him to apprentice with the forgemaster instead. And, of course, Emma, eventually. He likens being with her to welcoming her home as opposed to inviting her in; he feels like she belongs in his space, and always has, rather than like he’s had to make room for her, and that’s one of the most comforting feelings he can have around another person.

📙 What kind of subjects (of conversation, of discussion, in school or whatever) does your OC find interesting or engaging or that they can talk for hours about? What kind of stuff do they just find fun?

Eren’s job is his life, so it also tends to be all he really talks at length about. He’s genuinely very interested in techniques for crafting and maintaining weapons and armor, as well as knowing how to use them, and he will absolutely stew in quiet, seething rage until given an opportunity to point out when someone is very, very wrong about something he’s knowledgeable about. To get him to talk about anything personal, he’d have to be really close to someone, since he needs to feel like his point will get across and be understood despite him not being the best at articulating it.

🍋 Does your OC act petty and jealous easily? What sort of things make them feel like this and do they experience guilt for getting so worked up? How do they deal with these emotions when they get them? If your OC doesn’t feel like this often, why not?

He can definitely be petty, but very subtly, in ways that are only really satisfying to himself, and not in a way that would make people lose confidence in him or his work. Jealousy manifests in him as more of an indignance that, if given a chance, he could do something better than someone else. That one is mostly related to fighting - he doesn’t train with the warriors anymore, but trains himself on his own since the better he understands the use of a weapon, the better he can be at crafting them - and the lingering resentment over that being taken from him. He’s a singularly talented smith and overall well settled into that role, but remains intensely bitter over the fact that his choice was taken away from him. He doesn’t lash out, though, unless he’s being pressed to talk about it, and usually just withdraws when he starts particularly feeling this until he can calm himself a bit.

🌠 Who was your OC’s first friend? Do they remember them or are they still friends now? Talk about some of the people your OC has lost contact with over the years. Do they have any regrets about losing these people and would they revist them if they could?

If we’re stepping outside the realm of ‘Leo’s ocs only’, his first friend who wasn’t one of his siblings would have been Avira, with whom he was able to establish a tacit, low pressure friendship largely based on mutual understanding as city elves adopted into the clan, and a kind of distance they felt from it. Otherwise, he didn’t really make friends until he met Emma and Lux with the Inquisition. He trained with a lot of his peers, but his focus was on the training and not the peers, and thus never came to consider any of them friends. His mentor at the forge, Davhal, is pretty important to him and he respects the man a great deal, but it’s a very strictly mentor/mentee relationship and Eren does not consider him his friend. The only person he’s ever really felt like he’s lost, honestly, is Tasalin, and on the surface at least he’s more bitter and resentful. There is some regret there, but he’s quite stubborn and largely can’t shake blaming Tasalin for the way things have turned out between them.

Got any more?

#ask: eren lavellan #jumbo ask game #listen #i love this man so much #THANKS BB #i am glad you asked about him even if it HURT ME #i live only knowing he'll reconcile with tas and find recognition and fulfillment one day :')#lavellanlove

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not-a-perfect-metaphor · 5 years

Text

Well, I deleted this original answer (and then deleted it again as a post...and then deleted it one more time after that), so here it is for a fourth time with a screenshot of the original ask, and LET US HOPE that I can manage to see it through to completion.

This ask has taken me quite a bit of time and thought, because what I’m hoping to give you is a summary that helps you to better understand without being too overwhelming/containing way too much information.

First, thank you so much for reaching out, and I’m really glad you did! The point you’re at right now (or the point you were at when you sent this anyway) is where every single one of us started, and it’s an amazing journey from here if you find yourself wanting to take it! Seeking out resources from others is absolutely the way to go about it, and I hope that you always feel free to ask me (and other tinhats) for any info/thoughts/anything you need in the future! I can’t seem to include links in-post, but I’m going to message you a link to Speak the Truth, a site documenting J2 ‘happenings’ so to speak from a tinhat’s perspective through the year 2011. And, basically, whether someone’s been a tinhat from day one or for one day, we all have different pieces of the puzzle, and that’s really why it’s so important for us to connect with each other and work together as a whole.

So, let me try to figure out where to begin.

I, like quite a few other tinhats I’ve spoken with over the years actually, didn’t put much stock into any of this when it first started to emerge. People fantasizing about two celebrities having a romantic relationship (especially two leads in a movie or a TV show and especially when those leads are of the same sex) is far from a new thing and has been going on forever, and naturally I assumed in the beginning that J2 tinhats were no different. Had I not actually looked into all of it further and eventually then started really paying attention to the comings and goings of Jared & Jensen/watching all the footage I could find/reading the interviews/seeking out candid photos etc., I might not have ever changed my views, and it still took me quite a while to fully come around to where I am now even with all that.

What caused me to start looking more deeply in the first place was the simple fact that Jared & Jensen, even during the still-fledgling days of their relationship (however you happen to define that relationship), had a very unique and pretty immediate closeness that separated them distinctly from everyone else.

***As an aside, like I always bring up, most Wincest shippers were born from that intense J2 chemistry that bled into the characters of Sam & Dean.

The Js had clearly connected on a deep level that they not only spoke about openly from the beginning but that was also more than evident in the ways they interacted with each other, looked at each other, talked to each other, and even just existed in each other’s spaces (they even shared and share clothing and have freely admitted that).

Jared: “It didn’t feel like a blind date. It felt like we were continuing a relationship. There’s no rhyme or reason to what happened.”

They’ve also frequently phrased things like that *points up,* using very couple-y terminology.

(note: speaking of couple-y terminology, they’ve been heard calling each other “babe” and “baby” on several different occasions)

They’ve always had the kind of body language with each other that you really don’t see often in non-platonic relationships and that you especially don’t see often between two actors who’s paths have crossed initially in a purely work-related setting, and it was that special intimacy between them that first sparked my curiosity.

Let’s take a very brief look at just a few of those examples (a mix of the early years and beyond):

And below I’m including an example of the clothes-sharing I mentioned:

My curiosity expanded VERY rapidly (almost explosively) from that point onward as I began to dive more heavily into ‘J2-research.’

Like I said above, I’m not going to overload this post with specifics (although I’m happy to send specifics to you by the boatload if you’re interested), but I will just wrap up this first part of my answer by saying that it was the candid J2 moments I came across that really started to sell me on the possibility of a non-platonic J2 dynamic, the pictures and footage where they didn’t know they were being recorded or photographed, largely during the earlier years when they weren’t as cautious, but certainly not limited to those years, pictures/footage in which they interacted with each other in ways that I certainly would not interact with someone I wasn’t romantically involved with or at least romantically interested in).

Here are a couple of well-known examples. Less intense than some choice video clips (that I’ll have to find a way to post in the future) but still beautiful and intimate. I actually just posted that first one a few hours ago!

-which ‘arguably’ could depict the body language of two very close platonic friends (more so than the first photo, above it, anyway), but...look more closely at the giddy, love-struck expression on Jensen’s face as he watches Jared:

It’s kinda a bit harder to call it platonic when you really see it like that....

And...gosh, I poured over so many of these moments, just...so, so many.

Even then, though, I wasn’t necessarily convinced of the fact that the two were together in any kind of serious way. I, like this blog’s first owner, co-owner (who became a tinhat almost right alongside me, actually, time-wise) felt that the Js were certainly at least not strictly straight, quite possibly that they weren’t at all straight, and that they were definitely attracted to each other, an attraction that had likely yielded physical results, but I had no reason to think at that point that they would go to the great lengths (and put themselves through the unimaginable hardships) of leading such intricately and immensely false lives, at great personal expense, if they were actually in a serious, romantic relationship with each other that they both felt would be long-term.

Not when it was almost 2008 (at the time) and being a gay celebrity wasn’t anything to even bat an eye at anymore...right?

But I still had a lot to learn back then.

The next ‘milestone’ for me, upon looking even more closely (and not just at the Js anymore but at those around them/in their circle/etc., not to mention the Js lives pre-meeting each other, just all kinds of stuff) came the discovery(discoveries) of the many inconsistencies, which I’ll explain further, that were ultimately at the heart of my transition from on-the-fence to full tinhat.

A good example to use, because most people have at least some knowledge of this, centers around the period of time that the Js publicly lived together and the many...many different stories that were told explaining their living arrangement. I actually posted a pretty humorous account detailing some of it, and I can link you to it if you’d like. That’s just one example of many, but perhaps it’s the example with the most number of slip-ups/cases of the Js forgetting the details of the lie/etc.

To briefly cover one of those “living together” slip-ups, at separate meet-and-greets, Jensen once told people that he had moved out of Jared’s house while Jared said that Jensen was very much still living with him. And that’s probably the least suspicious but the easiest to quickly explain of the slips.

Another example, from later on (that I’m using because, again, it’s one that people are generally aware of) is when Jared told a story about being out to dinner in Italy with his wife and accidentally flipping off the waiter and then Jensen retold the exact same story at another con, only that time, he was the one who’d been with Jared.

Once I knew to look for them, I was blown away by how often these kinds of inconsistencies had already occurred and continued to occur, things being covered-up or overly-explained, stories changing sometimes three or more times in ways too significant to be excused away as memory lapses, even attempts at erasing things altogether...which doesn’t work very well in the age of the interwebz.

And why...why would these cover-ups and excuses and erasures exist if there was nothing to hide?

•••••••••

Retracing my steps for a moment to talk a little about the Js lives prior to meeting each other, which was one of the other things I’d started looking into by this point and definitely played an important part in confirming my tinhat beliefs.

The first example that comes to mind is Jensen’s ex-roommate (and just ex, period, at least that’s what I personally think), Ty Vaughn, the one underneath Jensen in this photo:

And I’ve spent a good 24 hours trying to track down footage I once had of Chad Michael Murray teasing young Jared about flirting with him (to Jared’s extreme embarrassment), but I cannot find it ANYWHERE. If anyone reading this can help me out, I would be forever in your debt.

Other noteworthy things (just a few): An ex-girlfriend of Jensen’s has admitted that she used to beard for someone, and her only celebrity ex is Jensen, and a few of Jared’s teachers from high school have expressed surprise that he’s married now to a woman...so, make of that what you will!

•••••••••

Okay, back to the inconsistencies!Another big one for me has always been the Js saying “we” or “us” (and meaning each other) when, according to public knowledge, it should have been “I” or “me.”

(as well as other synonyms of the above like “our”)

“We got to spend some time with our family yesterday.”

“They were knocking on our trailer.”

etc. etc.

And on the exact opposite end of the spectrum...also ironically what continues to fuel my certainty that the Js are together even more than the “we”-and-“us”-isms: the separation-of-the-Js tactic (varying in severity/frequency), sometimes for an evening or even a single event, sometimes for lonnng stretches of time, but always very suspicious, because, like I’ve been saying for this entire time, everyone knows that Jensen and Jared are extremely close, even those who believe that their closeness isn’t sexual or romantic. What I’m referencing with ‘separation of the Js,’ by the way, is what many tinhats believe to be the PR tactic used to paint pictures of the Js as being much less involved in each other’s lives to (in theory) control rumors. But the Js’ are and always have been intrinsically interconnected, so the reason that J2 separate narratives feel so forced and unnatural, often cringingly so, is because they kinda directly violate who Jensen and Jared are as people with each other, and if anything, that’s likely caused some new tinhats to come aboard, but it certainly hasn’t succeeded in convincing anyone who’s already a believer that they must have just been mistaken all along.

And I should definitely mention the suuuper-duper weirdness surrounding Jensen and Jared’s respective engagements and then weddings, as well as the information, or lack of information in Jared and Genevieve’s case, that was presented to the public about both ‘courtships,’ because almost every single aspect of all of that was drenched in tinhatty suspiciousness right from the start and all the way through. Again, I can link you to posts that detail the topic thoroughly, but to summarize very generally: Jared and Jensen, in leu of increasing rumors about the nature of their relationship, even more so in recent months than had previously been the case, were most likely counseled to straight-en up their images drastically, and fast...the only real way people can do that, by marrying members of the opposite sex (pretty much simultaneously, by the way, & much to the startled disbelief of many, including a very-public-about-his-skepticism Ted Casablanca).

Ted: “Jensen and Jared would sooner marry each other than who they’re currently rumored to be getting hitched to.”

Alright. Yikes. I’m really slipping here with my “not too many details” plan. I’ll start reigning it in again, I promise.

So, around the same same time as the weddings was when I started researching the practice of bearding (fauxmances) in the entertainment business in general, although not as heavily as I’ve researched the topic in recent years, and what I discovered and continue to discover was and is both eye-opening and heart-breaking. I actually just posted about this a couple of days ago, so instead of rambling on about it again, I’ll refer you to that (under the tag ‘toxic industry stuff’ for anyone reading this in the future). A quick summary: the reality that Jensen & Jared face every day and the decisions they’ve made to enter into false marriages are tragically common in the industry....yes, even and especially in today’s age, and for many gay actors and actresses specifically, the choice can really come down to either living honestly or protecting their careers/livelihoods/even their true relationships should they have them.

Since then, I’ve come across a lot of information as well about personal reasons, alongside industry reasons, that might have played a role in the decision to go the route of bearding for Jensen and Jared, like family history, their relationships with/views on/obstacles surmounted to succeed in (etc.) acting as a career, past experiences that have been hinted at, parental influence and sacrifice, not to mention the significant detail of who they happen to play on SPN...brothers (far too many ignorant people out there wouldn’t be able to move past the incest connotation, if a romantic relationship between the Js had been revealed).

By about midway through 2009, I was 100% convinced of the fact that Jared and Jensen were absolutely in a long term relationship that I would guess began around season two of Supernatural but had been on its way since the end of season one and during the hiatus between seasons one and two (want to know why I think that? I’ll do a separate post on it), and that the relationship was, of course, being hidden from the public.

The things that ultimately convinced me as they kept adding up are what continue to convince people today, the same things I’ve been going over at length (too much length) in this answer: intimacy between Jared & Jensen that extends beyond friendship-

-inconsistency in the information presented to the public that revolves around J2 and their time together/circumstances relating to both of them/etc., Jared and Jensen’s respective pasts before meeting each other, and even what some people believe to be hints dropped by Jared and Jensen themselves about their true relationship.

A well-known example (again, among many) that I’ve talked about pretty extensively is Jensen posting a photo in front of a mural that reads “love is love,” a well-known LGBT slogan, and then Jared posting a photo of himself in front of a mural that reads “love will win” on the very same day and captioning it “every time.”

This did turn out to be pretty overwhelming *sighs* but I hope at the very least I’ve succeeded in giving you a somewhat clearer idea of why us tinhats feel the way we do about Jared and Jensen, and I want to encourage you again to reach out whenever you like about anything you’d like to know!

There’s no such thing as a dumb question, and there’s no such thing as too many questions.

Just remember that! ❤️

#j2 tinhat #asks

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scoundrels-in-love · 4 years

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thoughts on your favourite song of all time?

Thank you for asking!!Much to surprise of most people, myself included, I actually have one.

Day6 - Colors.

I remember the day I found it not exactly clearly, that’s not how my memory works, but I know it was my vacation of summer 2018. It had been a rough year already, though I had no idea just how cruel it was about to get just in few months. I was laying on couch, just resting with sun shining through the window and someone dear to me resting in the other room. There was a feeling of almost at peace and happiness, a serenity of sorts. I had put on Day6′s entire discography on because I had more seriously started to enjoy them and their music few months prior, but hadn’t sat down to listen to all songs yet as I used to do when I was getting into a new band.

And all that random information on my life has some point now, because I was dozing off and then this song came on and I was instantly awake and captivated. When the chorus kicked in, I got literal chills which I… Just don’t.

Except that feeling has never gone away, I still get chills at that part. And Day6 has been one of my favorite bands since that day. (And I got to see them live in January, performing this song and I will unabashedly admit I cried.)

Now that we have established I am head over heels for this song, we can try to discuss a little as to why.

It’s a little hard to rationalize these things, I think. But I find there are several possible reasons, all piling together. I have grown up with deep love for power-ballad type of sound. It’s slightly reminiscent of older music from my country that I jammed to a lot as a child. It’s powerful, melodious, flowing. I like the lower range that Sungjin uses in the chorus. The smoothness of it all.

But most of all, it makes me feel with just the sound of it.

I’ve actually written at length about what the song embodies for me. Even without lyrics, it sounds like yearning to me. Soft, aching longing that grows in power. It sounds like being on a wave that rides higher and higher until it throws you into burning sunset sky and you fly, and you know you will come back down, but in this moment you’re free as much as you’re bound with longing. It hurts in my chest, it brings me to tears, and it clears me all at once. It’s exhausted and still wanting, still reaching for something, at the same time. The tiredness, the want and also the action that we take by just wanting. And it’s something that I guess I… relate to? It resonates within me.

Not even speaking of the literal lines of “My image on the black and white photoAnd my whole dark spreading worldI am so tired of them bothI’m now sick of it and bored” which are things that I have, in sense, said for years.

Maybe in some ways, it came to me like a prophecy about grief I would learn so very soon.

In more ‘logical’ line of thought, I think it’s very beautifully written, both in line of melody and vocals, as well as the lyrics. I must admit, lyrically it slightly reminds me of the poetry I used to write - or wish I could write - for which it maybe even more strikes that ‘I’ve found a reflection of my feelings in a gorgeous song created by someone else, and this echo reverberates through me, makes me hurt and heal at the same time’ note which essentially is reason why I love the song so much, I imagine.

Here’s a copy of a post about the song last year, under cut, because I really have went on enough. It’s more about the lyrical qualities of the song, my interpretation of them.

It’s an achingly beautiful and sad all at once, yet not without its hope.

The premise of it is essentially someone who is lost and weary and drowning in the loss of hope. And while it is easy to interpret it as love song, I think as many of those that do not use exact words of lover/significant other in some way, it can go for so many types of loves. Familial, platonic friend love, passion for deep interest even. Sometimes there just is someone whose presence makes it easier to see how colors drip down the sky as sunset approaches and then dims away, someone who brightens your day by just being there. Someone that has become tether and link in your mind to all that and losing them feels like it will be end of it all.

And even if you see it as just love song, for a romantic partner, that’s fine, too. These aspects are so deeply personal, you can’t really enforce one true version of it. At some point, that is out of even artist’s control, because everyone is bound to filter it through their hearts and the differences in the views are just as beautiful as many people finding almost exactly same comfort in something.

But back to Colors, it makes sense that even if you’ve never had relationships or that sort of connection, if there are times there is a hole in your chest that doesn’t close up and you ever wish for (romantic) relationship, this does pretty much sum up that sort of longing and put in words - someone out there will show me how to breathe again, take my hand and guide me into place where there are doors and color when the walls are closing in. Save me, I am so lost so deep in myself that I can never find way out, so lost away from everything and everyone else. It is a sad song, in my opinion. A depressed song, even.

And yet, at the same time, I think it is fascinating in the sense that this longing itself, this promise of tether, prompts the narrator to do something about being lost. They reach out their hand. And while the chase after the ‘you’ might be fruitless in that aspect - but how do we know? - it will still make narrator take a step. They stretch out their hand. The ‘you’ might not have been able to reach them, just with their hand, over the distance separating them, but together they might breach it. And taking a step can always start a path much better than slowly sinking in the darkness where no color can reach you.

What’s more, other than just lyrical aspect, I absolutely love how “The color that it’s called you and I see it all over the placeraises me and leads me“ matches the way I feel like the sound of this song really slowly raises you like on a wave and then launches you into a glide through a sunset sky, gradual and powerful all at once. I could write more about the sheer power of vocals and delivery, but I think this is enough.

#ask games answered #I am so so sorry but I cannot speak about this song more concisely #I am neutral on most things #but when I do genuinely feel for something I... talk #A lot #sorry #robotsdance #sent on a cloud

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laufire · 4 years

Text

Roswell NM 2x05

My thoughts of this episode could basically be summed up on “Extremely Mixed Feelings” lmfao.

Let’s start with Rosa, obviously. Gosh, I adore her. ADORE her. She feels so lively and real and colourful among... well, everything and everyone else xD. She did even in death. She makes this show better by being the point of contention in the narrative. The mixed feelings come when she interacts with anyone else, because though she remains her incredible self, (almost) everyone else isn’t and I keep chaffing against the dominant narrative :P. She’s also hilarious lmao. I love every one of her zings xD. The “bitch-ass aliens” was obviously the winner, but her calling Max & Isobel’s nonsense “psychic twincest weirdness” was close LOL.

Like, I don’t know how I feel about the show even JOKING about Rosa possibly forgiving Max & Co. The scene itself with Rosa DEMANDING her own room was perfect, but. Yeah. Don’t even joke about that xD. To add that, I actually really love her scenes with Max, both in previous episodes and this one, when he briefly convinced her of stopping his resurrection (I kind of love that the episode was so close to Easter, btw, it’s so on the nose xDD). The energy between the actors works REALLY well and I find myself suddenly paying attention to Max, which hadn’t happened so far xDD. However, I’d enjoy those scenes even more if I could be reasurred that Rosa is always going to have mixed feelings at best about him, and will never be reduced to prop him or Liz/Max (like in the moment where Rosa almost has to comfort Liz about Max loving her. Leave my kid out of this pls). But. Yeah. I also have some guesses as to where the Rosa vs. Max storyline will go now that a.) she has more control of her new powers, and b.) his resurrection is the one that’ll follow the Came Back Wrong pattern, but they’re half-formed/half-wishful thinking so far lol.

I love love love the physicality of Rosa’s scenes with Liz too, even if sometimes I’m bothered by other elements. I’m just amazed by how the actresses manage to make it come across that despite the obvious visuals, despite how ~youthful and reckless Rosa feels... she’s the older sister, still. That’s how she feels, and Liz gets ~swayed by this. Like how she bundles herself agaisnt Rosa’s chest for comfort (and in the second one, the transition to that after Liz holds Rosa’s face in her hands), or how Rosa talks about her “sweet little sister”, etc. It also helps making the relationship feel less proppy than it would otherwise --younger sisters doing something for their older ones feels different than the reverse, idk. I have Thoughts about this but they’re all tangled up with myself projecting stuff on them, so idk what I’m trying to convey here xDD

I’m less conflicted about Rosa/Isobel. STAY AWAY FROM HER ISOBEL. Seriously, I full on despise her now. Fuck her. At the beginning of the season it looked like I might start finding her interesting, but nah. That’s over. And in particular I want her as far away as possible from Rosa. I’m even surprised by the strength of my reaction lol, but I wanted to yell at her to take her dirty paws off Rosa xD (seriously, the scene where she puts her hand on Rosa’s chest felt so so creepy? Was that just me? Add that in Isobel’s comment about having a “threeway” and deugh. GO AWAY ISOBEL). And frankly, it’s hard to miss how Isobel is always at her worst with women of color (I’m wary of her attitude to men of color, after the blatant sexualization/mind control thing with Kyle or all her bullshit with Arturo, too). Her comments on Rosa’s addiction (let alone assaulting her or locking her body in a closet ofc) didn’t help her case. I really, really wish Rosa had chocked a bitch xD. BTW, I’ve seen people attribute Isobel’s shittiness to her connection to Max and his darkness when a.) we saw NO SIGNS of this, and b.) she’s been terrible from day one, okay xD. If the show goes there to absolve her of responsibility like it did in s1... ugh.

My connection was crappy af last week and I somehow missed Michael’s “help me move a body” scene until I saw the parallel done with the one this week and... did this bitch really joke about desecrating Rosa’s body in front of Liz’s face?? (who said nothing because she’s now completely on pod-people’s POV land, ofc. I had flashbacks to Delena joking about Caroline’s rape right there, too). Seriously, the pod-people, ALL of them, have an enourmous debt with Rosa (EVEN MORE NOW), and I really, really wish she collected.

I wish we’d seen Arturo & Arturo-Rosa stuff this episode. It’ll still be tainted by the circumstances (*hates Isobel even more*), but I’m very curious about them. And about how Rosa’s bio-father ties to this stuff --that side of Rosa’s family is being left out of things so far and I don’t like it, tbh. It seems to be simply because it’s too far from the pod-siblings circle of influence ¬¬. Or about how Arturo is processing all this (he still thinks Rosa drove and killed the two other girls and that Max is A Very Nice Boy *barfs*. I seriously resent the very real posibility that Rosa’s story will never be untangled, to her father and to the town).

Not-Rosa-centric stuff under the cut, I guess, because this is getting long xD

I also have mixed feelings about Maria’s scenes with Alex (and Maria’s scenes in general). OTOH, she looked amazing (this is important, js. It’s such a shame we didn’t see Michael’s reaction to that last outfit of hers *-*); I love the actor’s easy chemistry, too; and I think it’s very, very interesting, that Alex basically nudged Maria towards Michael and Miluca. OTOH, I dislike how the conversation immediately turned to supporting him, and especially the false equivalences between Maria falling for Michael and Alex contributing to the lies to her (though I don’t find him as responsibly for that as Michael and especially Liz --since it was Michael’s secret and he planned and struggled to tell her, while Liz was pretty comfortable keeping her in the dark except for her own emotional needs, and knew too well why those secrets could cost), or between looking at your mother’s search history and forgiving someone for keeping you in the dark and endangering your life, js. That he guilted her into forgiving Liz (and so fullfilling Maria’s prophecy about how Liz only struggled to tell her because she wanted support, and my own about how little her anger was allowed to last) made it worse.

I feel terrible for Kyle. You could feel the toll he’s taken smh. My heart broke a little when he told Liz “you called, I broke the speed limit”, too :/. His relationship with his mother is hanging on the balance after all his lies too, which doesn’t bode to well for him either. I liked the scene between him and Alex, at least, though I still don’t think I could ever ship them, given Kyle’s romantic history with someone that ALSO was hung up on another person, js.

Other people have talked about how Alex’s scenes with Michael often highlight his classism and how little it’s talked about in this fandom, but yeah. His comments about Michael’s “wasting” his life... I Felt that.

Related to that, Max’s comment about how someone “has to clean up [Michael’s] messes” is part of why the pod-siblinghood thing is never ever ever going to work for me, sns xDD. Sure, it’s mostly because I don’t like Max or Isobel at all, or Michael 40-50% of the time, but yeah, things like that, or Isobel assuring him of the BLATANT lie that Michael means as much to her and Max as each other... they make it harder to get into the ~spirit lol. Another issue is how TERRIBLE the editing to make them appear younger looks xDD

I had to, HAD TO, roll my eyes at Max’s martyrdom. Ooooh, he’s not doing this for HIMSELF, he would NEVER care about being in PAIN, he’s doing this for US. And the narrative conveniently doesn’t take him at his word and saves him, ofc, because’s he’s a lead and that’s what’s up. It was interesting seeing the other characters coming to acceptance at first, however --I hope it’s a Sign. There are other Signs (of Max’s narrative maaaaaaybe weak spots) that really *pop* in this episode. Like the fact that there’s doubt over who is more important to him, Liz or Isobel. In a show with a really strong male lead, the answer would unquestionably be Liz: she’d know it, Isobel would know it, we’d all know it. And sure, I know a lot of people would say that it’s “better” (?) for a show to acknowledge the ~importance of familial and platonic bonds~ and what not, but c’mon. I don’t doubt that if Liz had been white things would be different. But that’s not the case here. And there are strong arguments for Isobel being number one... like the fact that this amnesia plot in the promo seems to ONLY involve Liz? I mean, he seems to remember Isobel just fine. A male lead forgetting the love of his life is very, very tricky. OTOH this is good in the sense that I’m all for anything that makes Max take a fall... but his & Liz’s stories are too tangled up and I’d fear she’d surely go down with him :/

#roswell: new mexico #rosa ortecho #maria deluca #ortecho sisters #roswell thoughts #roswell spoilers #my thoughts #talking to the void #antimaxevans for ts #antimalex for ts #except not but i Say Something Negative so *sighs*#antiisobelevans for ts #kyle valenti #liz ortecho #antilizmax for ts #antimichaelguerin for ts #antipodsiblings for ts #bitter lau tag #favourites: soul siblings

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nadziejastar · 5 years

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@Disney and SQ: Make LeaIsa canon u cowards. They had so much chemistry and history it would be make sense.

Saïx and Axel’s Fascinating, Complex, Beautiful and Extremely Well-Written Relationship

Write more about LeaIsa? Don’t mind if I do. YES! It’s such an underrated relationship, probably because of how poorly it was treated in canon. I would pay so much money to see it actually done justice in canon. And I rarely get invested in fictional ships to this degree. You’re right about their history together. It’s another reason I like LeaIsa so much. It’s the only Lea ship that I saw any evidence for. Axel’s relationship with Saïx is so unlike any other relationship in the series. I just found it so complex, unique, compelling, and mature in the way it was written. Seriously, it’s one of the most touching fictional relationships I’ve ever seen. And it’s written with such subtlety.

The writers force you to read between the lines, instead of spelling everything out for you. That made it even better, since it never once felt cheesy or forced. But with almost everyone I’ve talked to outside of Tumblr, the importance of Saïx and Axel’s relationship went right over their head. One person I talked to even said that the introduction of their past friendship felt pointless; simply an excuse to give Axel more “drama” in Days. Which was sad for me to hear.

It’s why I am so bitter that this relationship got shafted by the story as badly as it did. It’s such an insult to everything the writers accomplished. Unfortunately, I know many people in real life who would…not react well if they found out that Axel loved another male.

I can’t help but think that was a factor in why their relationship was handled so poorly, even platonically. It’s just so stupid to me, though. What a waste. It’s such a shame that stuff like this happens when creators try to step outside the box with their characters. There’s a real lack of healthy male/male intimacy in fiction, especially when it’s handled with actual maturity. It’s why I loved the KH2 ending with Sora and Riku so much. But hey, I still give gotta them credit for trying and almost succeeding.

As much as I loved the Roxas/Axel/Xion friendship, it was clear that Axel was the “dad” of the group. He was only half-joking about babysitting them. I feel even more strongly about this now than I did when I first played these games. It’s been 10 years since I first played Days and now I’m a bit closer to Axel in age than Roxas, lol. I don’t think Lea’s story could have ended truly happily unless he had another adult around him that he was close to.

Lea: In memories, you live forever, you know?

Isa: Well, you may be a really small part of my memories, but at least you’ll never disappear.

Lea: I’m SO flattered.

Isa: You’re such a pain.

I agree that they had a LOT of chemistry during their interactions. What I liked about Isa was that he was an equal to Lea. Someone his own age. He gave us an opportunity to see how Lea would interact with someone he could relate to as a peer, instead of as a mentor. Plus Isa was said to be very smart and mature for his age, which is probably why he didn’t seem to have many friends. And Lea was definitely much more on the intellectual/philosophical side compared to someone like Roxas or Sora.

He was a 15-year-old who talked about wanting to live forever in people’s memory, after all. I think that’s why Isa liked him so much. He was outgoing, very friendly, and smart, to boot. He’s the whole package. I used the Japanese translation for that scene since it made them seem even more flirtatious. I found way Lea joked with Isa to be so…cute. He just never smiled or acted that way with anyone else.

And I felt the same way when Isa smiled during that scene. I could tell he admired Lea’s outlook on life. He likes how he wants to make every interaction with others meaningful. He probably feels the same way, though he has a harder time showing it. Isa obviously does not have many people that he feels comfortable opening up to. I always got the feeling that Lea was very special to him. I don’t have trouble believing that Isa was intended to sacrifice himself for Lea. Not at all.

Roxas: I found out about love on today’s mission–that it’s something powerful.

Axel: That’s true. It is. But I’ll never get to experience it.

Besides, you don’t just give a character dialogue like this, and then NOT have them find true love. I mean, come on now.

Riku: Heh, I sometimes envy how simple your world is.

Sora: Is…that a compliment?

Riku: I envy whatever makes you think it could be.

Sora: Gee, thanks.

Isa and Lea had a somewhat similar dynamic to Riku and Sora. One was an introvert and the other was way more extroverted. I loved seeing the effect Sora had on Riku. It was very sweet. But no offense to Sora…Lea and Isa gave me the impression that they were much more intellectual equals, compared to him and Riku. I doubt you would ever see conversations like this between them, for instance. So for me, they struck a perfect balance. They were opposites, but still very similar.

It was such a sincere question that Axel barely swallowed a laugh. The evidence was right there; Roxas wouldn’t be thinking of anything else.

“’Cos you’re relatively simple,” Axel replied. “Well, most Nobodies are.”

Despite being the “cheerful” one, Lea’s world was anything but simple. He’s not unfailingly optimistic and he has a very prominent dark side. He might make friends very easily, but I could tell that he had a strong desire to form very deep emotional connections that are rare and don’t come easily. So Lea and Isa complemented each other very well.

“It’s just… I’ve always wondered why we’re here, on this island. If there are other worlds out there, why did we end up on this one?”

Now I think it was because we had to be there to meet each other. And if this really is the end of all the worlds, I don’t mind fading out here.

“If the world is made of light and darkness…we can be the darkness.”

Beside him, Sora looked at the sea and idly stretched his legs. “Yeah. The other side, the realm of light…it’s safe now. Kairi and the king and the others are there.”

Even without us, the worlds will be okay, he thought as he gazed at the horizon. I don’t mind becoming part of the darkness, if I’m with Riku.

I still love Sora, though. No matter how many Disney worlds he went to, he never forgot Riku. I’m sure Isa was envious at times of Lea’s ability to instantly make friends with everyone. Isa only came out of his shell around Lea. He doesn’t get close to people easily. I’m sure he had as many insecurities as Riku had, if not more. He probably was clingy, even. But I doubt Lea would mind. I’m sure that he felt like no matter how many friends he made, he could have deeper conversations with a shy introvert like Isa than he could with anyone else.

Axel: Nothing lasts forever, man. Least of all for a bunch of Nobodies. But you know, we’ll still have each other…even if things change and we can’t do this anymore.

Roxas: Yeah?

Axel: As long as we remember each other, we’ll never be apart. Got it memorized?

Roxas: Ha ha, wow, Axel. That sounded ridiculous.

Axel: What? I thought it was pretty deep.

To me, Axel always came across as extremely intelligent, with a lot of inner depth and complexity. But he always kept his true feelings bottled up inside.

Roxas grinned. “Who are you, and what have you done with Axel?”

“Hey! I tried, okay?” All that effort to cheer them up, and they just turned it into a punch line. Chagrined, he looked away.

Xion burst into giggles, and then, as if it was contagious, Roxas started laughing, too.

“Oh, c’mon, it’s not that funny!” Axel scolded.

They paused, looked at each other, and giggled again.

“I don’t know why I put up with this…”

In the novel, he actually was pretty hurt and embarrassed during that scene, because he was being 100% serious.

Pence: Do you guys think we’ll always be together like this?

Olette: I sure hope so.

Hayner: Huh? Where did that come from?

Pence: Oh, well, you know. Just thinking out loud.

Hayner: Well, I doubt we can be together forever. But isn’t that what growing up’s all about? What’s important isn’t how often we see each other, but how often we think about each other. Right?

Pence: Get that off a fortune cookie?

Hayner: That’s it, no more ice cream for you!

Of course, I found it interesting how Roxas was later put in such a similar position to Axel. All these things happening to him that he can’t talk about with his friends. Being told he was never supposed to existand entering an existential crisis. The time when he would relate to Axel the most is when he doesn’t even remember him.

But to address the main topic of this post, I must say: Axel and Saïx’s whole relationship in the novels is just so excellent. I always liked it in the games, but the novels made me appreciate it on a whole new level. I was reading them for the first time a while ago, and I swear, I couldn’t help but pick up VERY strong romantic vibes between Axel and his memories of Isa. It’s not that I was looking for it, either. I wasn’t. It just really, really jumped out at me.

“Well, I think you can be inseparable, even if you’re apart,” said Axel.

Roxas and Xion shared a look.

“…Even if you’re apart,” Roxas murmured.

They trailed off, and this time Axel finished his ice cream. So he started talking again. “It’s like, if you feel really close to each other. Like best friends.”

Followed by…

“Love is what happens when there’s something really special between people.”

“More special than friends? Like…if they’re best friends? Inseparable?”

“Well, you can care about your friends, but that’s not exactly it…” Axel paused, groping for words that might make sense to Roxas.

“So it’s a step above best friends?”

“No—it’s not about steps.”

The wording was just so…intentional. Axel was obviously thinking about Isa when he was talking about best friends being inseparable, even when they’re apart. And he was obviously thinking about Isa when he said that as long as he has memories, he’d never have to be apart from anyone. Then Roxas uses the exact same words when he asks him about love. There was no way it was just a coincidence.

I was like, “Am I crazy, or are the writers trying to imply that Lea was in love with Isa?” Then I read the rest of the novel, and I’m like, “Damn, I guess they really are”. I swear, the novels are what totally convinced me that the writers genuinely viewed them as a romantic pairing. And then when I looked at the 358/2 Days weapons, I was like, “Okay, I guess I’m not crazy after all.”

I am working on a meta about the symbolism of Luxord’s Tarot cards. It’s just…incredible how the Fool’s Journey that’s depicted in those cards, follows Axel and Saïx’s character arcs so perfectly. There was so much care put into that relationship. I’m sure that the Tarot cards had meaning for everyone’s else’s weapons and character arcs, as well. But since we never actually get to learn that much about the other Organization members, it’s harder to interpret whatever meaning they have. There was more than enough with Saïx and Axel to read between the lines and see a whole arc. But Marluxia and Vexen? Eh, not so much.

“You mean I can’t talk to you unless I want something?”

“I didn’t mean that, but it’s—” a hassle. But if I say that, it looks like she’ll make it even more of a hassle. Axel shut his mouth. “Why are you talking to me? There are heaps of other people to talk to.”

“I don’t want to talk to rough old men,” Larxene clearly intoned.

“If that’s so—there’s Demyx, or Marluxia, who joined just before you did. And then there’s Zexion. There’s also Saïx, in a way—”

I found it interesting how Axel related to women. He talks about how you can’t push the wrong buttons with girls. Larxene touches his face in Re:CoM and his reaction is so annoyed. And then there’s the way he reacts when she flirts with him in the novel. Yeah, I know Larxene is a bitch and that really doesn’t prove anything. But those scenes felt like they were meant to show how Axel just isn’t interested in women that way. Also I like how he says, “in a way” when he refers to Saïx. Well, I guess he is young at least. However, while we’re on that subject…

Demyx: Who’s ready for a vacation? I’m ready for a vacation.

Axel: Saïx only gives days off when he’s in a good mood. Which is never.

…I found Axel’s dynamic with Saïx so fascinating due to their shared history. Saïx always has the most dead, lifeless expressions on his face. I think it hurt Axel deeply to see how miserable he was all the time. Axel must have assumed his condition was the result of the trauma caused by the experiments and losing his heart. After all, Nobodies typically have the same basic personality they had as humans. And Isa was not cold and robotic.

Indeed, Axel is all too aware of Saïx’s total emotional emptiness and he’s rather introspective about the whole issue. He reflects on it rather frequently in the novels.

“Shouldn’t you already be out on your mission, Axel?” Saïx interrupted.

Mission? Saïx hadn’t given him his assignment yet. Axel blinked up at him, and Saïx stared back.

Oh. Axel felt a little bit sorry for Saïx and his inability to lie.

Saïx can’t even fake emotion enough to tell convincing lies. At least Axel can do that much. He genuinely feels sorry for him.

In a way, Saïx put more effort than any of them into pretending he had a heart, Axel thought. And yet, he was more lacking than any of them.

Here too. Saïx is more lacking than any of them. He’s the only one who was turned into a vessel against his will, so he can’t just nurture a new heart like everyone else.

After watching them go, Axel stretched and turned to Saïx, expecting to see a scowl. But the expression had left Saïx’s face, leaving him as dispassionate as usual.

Of course, he had been faking it in the first place. Nobodies had no hearts; they only imitated what emotions they remembered. The very proof of their emptiness showed how desperately they each longed for a heart.

Axel probably did the same thing himself without noticing, and yet, for some reason, when Saïx did it—or actually, any of the others—it seemed so out of place.

None of the others in the Organization were that bad, though. They all had personalities and didn’t have to try so hard to fake one. And we know that they could grow hearts.

Saïx had no time for all these deliberately oblique remarks from Xigbar. “Nonsense. I see no problem whatsoever.”

Xigbar only laughed louder. “Pa-ha-ha! No, apparently you don’t!”

“Something you find amusing?”

“Oh, the things you hear from a guy with no heart,” Xigbar said through his hilarity.

None of us have hearts, Saïx was about to remind him, when Xemnas spoke again.

All except Saïx. No, he was unique, even among Nobodies.

He’d never deluded himself that tracking down Riku would be easy, and neither had Saïx. It was just that if he went back and reported that he couldn’t find anything, he would have to deal with those attempts at “personality”—the sneers, the snide remarks, the only trappings of human emotion that Saïx ever showed.

He tries so hard to have a “personality” that it’s actually very unsettling for Axel to witness. Yet, it was the only human emotions he ever showed. Because he’s nothing but an extension of Xehanort, with no heart of his own. He literally can’t connect with anyone or experience any emotion other than flat, numb, dispassionate misery.

“Don’t let us down now, kiddo. Shouldn’t be too much trouble without a heart,” Xigbar told Saïx.

Saix was a very tragic character. He became the way he is when he was just a kid, too. This is thrown in our face time and time again, so I was extremely surprised at the direction they took with his character in KH3. It made absolutely NO sense whatsoever.

In a room made of white marble, a large mirror reflected Demyx as he prepared to leave for the mission. He took particular care with his hairstyle, painstakingly manipulating the brown strands with a comb to make them stand straight up.

Saïx observed him from behind with what appeared to be distaste. In stark contrast to Demyx, Saïx left his long blue hair unstyled. The X-shaped scar on his forehead was all the style he needed.

“What d’you want? I’m kinda busy.” Irritated, Demyx turned around.

Instead of responding, the other man simply disappeared.

“Excuse me?!” Demyx shouted at the space where Saïx had been standing.

I doubt Saïx had any clue how uncomfortable he made Demyx. He just didn’t have the emotional capacity to pick up on things like that.

“No… Kingdom Hearts…” He opened his arms, bathed in the moonlight. “Where is my heart…?”

He dissolved into dark mist and faded from existence.

I don’t think Saïx was really Isa, and I think his and Axel’s relationship was very unhealthy, obviously. BUT. Axel thought Saïx was Isa and tried to relate to him as such. And that tells you a few things. Axel clearly thought of Saïx as someone who could understand his pain in a way nobody else could. And Saïx was a pretty miserable character. Even Sora couldn’t help but feel sorry for him when he called out for his heart. And back then, Sora thought Nobodies weren’t even capable of feeling anything. Yet, other than Axel, Saïx was the only Organization member whose disappearance left him genuinely sad.

All of it disgusted him. Saïx looked up at the skyscrapers, tracking Axel’s presence. He wanted a heart more than anything. But what could he do to get one? Here he was, yearning for a heart so badly, while Axel had managed to gain one without doing anything at all.

The blue-haired man had been the very first to join the organization after the founding members. He should have been special. The way number 13—Roxas, wielder of the Keyblade—was special. Axel was not. And yet…He remembered what the witch Naminé had said.

Axel seemed lonely. The man himself had denied it, but she was absolutely right. Axel was lonely. He’d lost Roxas.

Lonely. Didn’t that mean he had a heart? How had he gained one? Why only him? Was it an effect of his contact with the boy, or was there something else at work? He had no idea…

Saïx was jealous of Axel…but not quite in the way KH3 depicted. He was jealous of his ability to grow a heart. He was jealous that Axel even had the capacity to feel the loneliness of losing a friend. Saïx yearned for a heart more than anything. I can’t think of a single reason he would willingly join the Organization after being re-completed. It’s not even possible to describe how out-of-character that was.

Saïx collapsed to his knees. “Ngh— How much longer…?” He groaned through clenched teeth. “Kingdom Hearts… Will your strength never be mine?”

I think Roxas felt sorry for him too, after his defeat. He had the perfect opportunity to take him out, but he didn’t. He couldn’t. There’s no way Roxas was capable of taking out someone so utterly pitiable. Roxas just stares at him for a few seconds, dismisses his Keyblade, and moves on in silence.

“I feel bad for you, too,” she told him.

“What are you talking about?” Saïx towered over Naminé.

“You haven’t even noticed yet…that you have a heart.”

Several Nobodies emerged from a rift out of the corridors.

“A heart? I have a heart? No one wants your nonsense!” Saïx raised his sword over Naminé—but Riku was there with Soul Eater to intercept the blow.

“Hmph. I don’t have time for these games.” Darkness welled from a rift behind Saïx. “Run along and help your dear hero.”

With that, he disappeared.

“Are you all right?” Riku helped Naminé to her feet.

“Now I understand…,” she murmured.

“Naminé…? You understand what?”

She was silent for a moment and quietly shook her head as she stood. “It’s nothing. We have to find Kairi.”

Naminé felt sorry for him, too. Of course, she seemed to realize that his situation was unique and even worse than the other Nobodies. His heart was in Xehanort’s clutches. Saïx was genuinely anguished by what she said, though.

Maybe she had been sent away somewhere on a long-term mission, like Axel at Castle Oblivion.

But…asking about Axel seemed to put Saïx in such a foul mood, Roxas couldn’t bring himself to inquire after Xion.

I think Saïx was still subconsciously influenced by Isa’s captured heart, making him feel even more hollow and empty. I think that’s what forgetting his “true purpose” was all about.

“You made it back in one piece, didn’t you?”

Were you worried I wouldn’t? Axel almost said, but he didn’t want to deal with putting him in an even fouler mood. Disgust and rage seemed to linger closest to the surface of Saïx’s memories.

But ultimately, what we saw in 358/2 Days is this: Axel always empathized with Saïx, no matter how unlikable he was. Especially in the novels, he always exhibits profound empathy, patience, and understanding towards him. Their relationship is nothing like how it was portrayed in KH3. It was honestly so sad to see how badly Axel wanted to connect with him—to have things be like they were before. He was desperate to find any evidence that Saïx still cared about him.

He didn’t look at Saïx, but he did have one thing to say.

“Keep your mouth shut.”

Roxas had never heard him speak so coldly to anyone before.

Saïx made no reply.

The one time Axel loses his patience and confronts Saïx in anger, it hurt him more than it hurt Saïx. Axel couldn’t even look at him. But Saïx never acts hurt or offended after this scene. He’s just angry that Axel won’t listen to him. He couldn’t care less if Axel insults him, as long as he’s compliant and their plans remain unchanged.

But his voice was still oddly low. Running into Saïx had brought out a different side of him—and that side was a little scary.

Something just felt wrong about it—Axel was putting distance between himself and Saïx. Just like Xion did with him.

Axel was certainly deeply affected, though. Even Roxas, who hated Saïx, felt something was wrong about them drifting apart. He actually compared them to Xion and himself.

I just did what I thought was the best thing at the time. For Roxas, for Xion, for the Organization—and for Isa. But most of all for me.

He thinks like this even after he told Saïx to keep hid mouth shut. Even after that, he was still motivated by…well, not Saïx, actually. It was “Isa” who he mentioned. It’s the only time he used his real name as a Nobody, whether spoken or in his own thoughts. He talks about Saïx a lot. But when he thinks about his hopes for the future, it’s not Saïx’s name that comes to mind.

It’s Isa’s name. That’s how much of a distinction he makes between Saïx and Isa. The past and the present. It seemed like he desperately hoped that once Kingdom Hearts was completed, maybe Saïx would go back to being Isa again. And he clung to that hope for dear life. I couldn’t tell who wanted Saïx to get his heart back more—Saïx himself or Axel.

When he woke up after being re-completed, it was like he forgot all about their past conflict. He just wanted his friend back finally. This scene where he used Isa’s real name really stood out to me. It was the clincher. I knew there was no way that Lea did not love Isa with all his heart, when he had one. And after he started to grow a heart again, those feelings never left. Axel still loved him.

“Things are finally right again,” Saïx went on. “Of course, we’re better off this way.”

Axel had no retort for that. Maybe because he didn’t want to alienate Saïx anymore.

“Xemnas is exasperated from all the ‘fixing’ we’ve had to do. We have to set things right. There is too much on the line…Lea.”

Hearing his old name, Axel glanced up to see Saïx watching him intently. He remembered being human. Memories surged inside him, crowding the space in his chest. For Nobodies, memory had all the weight of a heart.

I remember. I won’t forget. But those sunsets with Roxas and Xion were part of his memory. Axel broke away again from Saïx’s gaze, looking down at nothing.

You can tell how conflicted he is when Saïx also uses his real name a little while later. He desperately wants to think Saïx still cares about him as well, but he’s starting to realize that he’s deluding himself.

“I trust you.”

Axel let out a low chuckle. “Yeah? Because your heart tells you to?”

“Just the memory of it. But if you continue to interfere, I’ll have to overwrite that memory with everything I’ve learned as a Nobody.”

“…Should I take that as a threat?”

“More or less. Keep it in mind.” Finished with the conversation, Saïx walked away.

Axel didn’t move for a while.

This is the first time that Saïx actually threatened to do more to Axel than just end their friendship. He actually threatened to kill him, and he is totally in shock over it. He can’t even move. I found it so telling that Saïx always spoke about his memories in a way that made them sound so foreign to him. His memories of Isa tell him that Lea was once really important to him. But they are so at odds with his personality as a Nobody, that all he ever does is use those memories as a weapon to manipulate and punish Axel.

“We don’t need them both. Just one. And pretending won’t change it.”

We, who? Axel wanted to ask, but he held it in, along with a bitter laugh. He wasn’t sure if that “we” meant Organization XIII or just Saïx and himself.

“Think about that.”

Oh, I am. And I’m sick of it. I’m even desperate enough to ask you if there’s another way.

The words nearly escaped him, but Saïx was already walking toward the Grey Area. The set of his shoulders told him plainly what the answer would be.

Axel realized how great the rift was between how he remembered their past and what he saw now.

Why am I even here? I don’t know anymore. What am I trying to do?

But Axel forgave Saïx over and over and over again. He risked his life constantly whenever Saïx needed someone to do his dirty work. He cared SO much about Isa. But he’s starting to question everything now. What good are their plans if Saïx doesn’t even care about him anymore? If there’s no hope that their relationship can be like it was in the past?

KH3 says that Saïx felt forgotten by Axel, but I just didn’t see that at all. How could he have possibly felt abandoned by Axel of all people? All Axel did was pine for him the whole game. Axel would have been overjoyed if Saïx so much as asked him about how his mission went, or what he ate for breakfast that day. As long as it was something other than the Chamber of Waking. Of course, Saïx knew Axel didn’t forget about him. It’s why he knew calling him “Lea” would be such an effective tactic for his compliance.

“That’s enough.” Saix turned his head, giving Axel a sidelong look over his shoulder. “Traitor.”

Axel scowled darkly.

“I’m going. You know, don’t you, that you won’t stop me except by force? And even if you tried, you would fail.” Saïx went on his way. Memories informed him that he hated this kind of thing.

Here we go again. Saïx is still serious about his threat, and Axel is still deeply hurt. His memories tell him that threatening Axel should make him feel awful, too. In the past, he would be devastated with this situation. But, he isn’t. I really think Saïx simply had access to Isa’s memories, thanks to Ansem’s experiments on the heart. Just like how Xemns had access to Terra’s memories while he was talking to Aqua’s armor and calling it a “friend”. But he was never really Isa.

He had been using the Organization for his own ends from the start. The only thing that had changed in the meantime was who it was all for. Maybe Saïx would call that a betrayal. But his world had changed.

It took until this moment at the very end of the book, for Axel to finally change his mind on who he was doing everything for.

The Roxas that I know is long gone. Fine, I see how it is…

This is the moment where Axel has to finally accept the harsh truth. The truth that he’s known for a long time, deep down, but didn’t want to admit. The Isa he knew is long gone. Which was just so sad to me. Their relationship was SO messed up—it was incredibly damaging to Axel. How could KH3 make Lea and Isa just get over their past so easily? It was ridiculous.

There’s no way that Saïx was planned to be Isa all along. That would be so unfair and insulting to both of their characters. “Yeah, sorry Lea. Your best friend really DID want to kill you all along. So much for healing your pain…Here, have some ice cream.”

“I sent dusks in before you in numbers. Think of failure as leading to immediate erasure.”

“Certainly, sir,” said Axel, and he bowed exaggeratedly.

“Was that supposed to be a joke, Axel?”

“That’s not too far is it?”

“…It’s not at all funny.” Saïx resumed typing on the keyboard.

Maybe, this is the last time I’ll see Saïx, too.

Thinking, Axel looked at the seated Saïx’s back.

“We’ve known each other for a pretty long time, haven’t we?”

Ignoring Axel’s words, Saïx continued typing on the keyboard.

This is during the time of KH2, when Axel is going to infiltrate the data Twilight Town. There was something incredibly moving about the way Axel related to Saïx. It resonated with me on a deeply personal level, in a way few stories ever have. It was so powerful, without being the slightest bit cheesy or forced. In fact, it flies right under the radar unless you really pay attention.

Axel displayed true unconditional love. He just kept trying and trying and trying—even when his efforts got him absolutely nothing in return. He was totally undeterred. He’d just wait longer, and try even harder, until the day finally comes when his friend wakes up and comes to his senses. He was incredibly hurt by Saïx’s indifference towards him…but he never stopped loving Isa. Even when he lost all hope that he’d ever see him again…he never wanted to forget the pain of losing him.

Axel didn’t waste a second grabbing his chakrams. But his body was reluctant somehow.

I don’t want to disappear… But still, it wouldn’t be so bad if I did. Not here.

Regardless of how bad things got, even when Saïx followed through with his threat and tried to kill him…Axel STILL loved him, even if only because of how he remembered Isa. Fighting Saïx killed him inside. I like to think that during that scene, on some level, Lea could sense Isa’s true heart inside of Saïx. And that Isa still loves him, too. After all, they are supposed to be inseparable, even when they’re apart.

I truly believe that in the original idea for the story, Lea refused to take off his Organization cloak because he couldn’t bring himself to be “free” until Isa was. I also think that was why he was always staring off at the sunset, looking wistful. There’s a certain type of bonding people experience during shared trauma, that is unlike any other.

Lea and Isa joined the Organization together. They both lost their innocence and their youth to the Organization. There was no way Lea could be free until he knew Isa was, too. He would never, ever be able to move on from the past. And when Isa was rescued, he and Lea would always have that shared history as test subjects. I think their pain was always going to be something they understood better than anyone else.

Terra: I just– When I really need you, Ven, I know you’ll be there.

Aqua: Ven, I’m sorry…I might not make it back as soon as I thought. But Ipromise I’ll be there, one day, to wake you up.

To me, these quotes felt like foreshadowing. Ven is promising the audience that he’ll use the power of waking on Terra, and Aqua assures us that she will be the one to use it on Ven.

Go on, you just keep running. But I’ll always be there to bring you back!

There’s not a doubt in my mind that Lea was going to use these exact words while trying to use the power of waking on Isa. I think Isa would have been so traumatized that his soul fragments would initially refuse to go back to reality. It would not be easy to convince him to come back. Even Riku needed to pass a “test” to revive Sora.

The sun sank lower and lower as Axel watched, his mind wandering.

If he stared for too long, the image would burn itself into his eyes, visible even after his eyes were closed.

A phantom sun.

Someone had once told him why sunsets were red… Who was that?

First of all, Tomoco Kanemaki’s writing is so beautiful. Secondly, why do I get the feeling that it was Isa who made an off-hand remark one day, informing Lea why the sun sets red?

Axel is lost in thought, staring at the red sunset, before Roxas and Xion arrive. This is just before he talks about how they’ll never have to be apart as long as they have the memories of each other. Which is so similar to what he told Isa all those years ago. “If I can live forever inside people’s memories, then at least Isa can live forever inside mine.” That’s what I believe Axel was thinking that day.

You see, light is made up of lots of colors. And out of all those colors, red is the one that travels the farthest.

The red phantom sun. It burns into your eyes, staying visible even when you close them.

Pandora opened a jar containing sickness, death and many other unspecified evils which were then released into the world. Though she hastened to close the container, only one thing was left behind–hope.

Axel’s Pandora Gear is called Prominence. Solar prominences are large, bright red-glowing loops of plasma extending outward from the Sun’s surface. They can measure many times larger than Earth’s diameter and last for weeks or even months. Saïx’s Pandora Gear is Crocea Mors, or Yellow Death; the one that looks just like his Berserk state Claymore.

Prominence is shaped like a swastika, or manji. It’s a symbol used to represent the harmonious interplay between opposites beyond the limits of time and space. In Hinduism, the arms pointing clockwise (卐) symbolizes surya (‘Sun’), prosperity, and good luck.

I wholeheartedly wish that Lea got to reunite with Isa—the real Isa. Not the watered-down Xehanort clone masquerading as him in KH3. There’s NO way the real Isa could have EVER inspired the type of devotion we saw from Lea, if he was ANYTHING like Saïx.

#anti-kh3 #kh meta #kh saix #kh axel #kh lea #kh isa #isalea #leaisa #kh isalea #kh leaisa #kh akusai #akusai #kh theories

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implses · 5 years

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hey everyone !! i’m noah and i’m hella hype to be here--- i have such a soft spot for smaller groups like this one and i can’t wait to get into this mess. finley is a totally new character for me but it’s a concept i’ve wanted to try out for ages, and kept almost applying with him to various groups, so i’m excited to finally get to try him out !!! i’ll try and keep his intro concise but you will learn quickly that i have never learned how to be quiet or restrained ever.

( froy gutierrez, cis male, he/him. ) — finley nieves has been a medina complex resident for one month, now. they’re twenty-one years old, and they tend to be hard to find when you’re looking for them. sometimes when i walk by c12, i hear locked and loaded by lael. lately, i’d say they’re pretty resilient, but sometimes that’s overwhelmed by the fact that they’re capricious. i mean, they usually pay their rent on time, though, and that’s most important fact here. worn-out soles of sneakers, far-away city lights behind the window of a bus, a name and photo in a wallet that doesn’t quite seem to belong to anyone, the smell of smoke and cold air in the collar of a coat.

tws : organized crime, guns.

finley had a life path set out for him since he was little, but not the same sort that most career-driven families create for their children. the nieves had made something of a name for themselves among the criminal sort, never particularly high-ranking or respected but simply so deep-rooted in that world that it would be impossible to discount their importance.

when finley was growing up, he didn’t think much of this. his family wasn’t wealthy from their occupation but they weren’t struggling either--- their stresses didn’t come from money, but instead from the constant agitation that came alongside their profession, the worry over arrests and betrayals and enemies with vendettas. they kept locks on their doors and a gun in the hall closet and called this normal, so finley believed it to be.

he was raised into the lifestyle in such a seamless way that he didn’t even really realize it was happening at first. finley was taught things that he assumed to be commonplace ; how to hold his keys in his fist like a weapon, or keep his heart rate steady through a lie detector test, or fire a gun with wicked accuracy, or read when someone wasn’t telling him the whole truth.

his family was big, and it was tight-knit. finley didn’t have any direct siblings but he had cousins that were all around enough that it might as well have counted, a constant tangle and overlap of relatives passing through their guest room and crashing on their couch and vanishing for days at a time when trouble caught up to them. the nieves bloodline was a tangled network of stepmothers and grand-nephews and third cousins once removed--- when someone new showed up in his dining room for breakfast and claimed their relation, finley knew better than to question it.

the gravity of their family business didn’t come to weigh on finley for years, but when the realization hit it landed like a semitruck. he was fifteen, and while he’d heard cautionary tales of relatives who’d been caught by police or bitter rivals, he’d never seen it unfold firsthand until then. if asked about it now he would only have the vaguest things to say for any of it--- shapeless memories of hiding under the bed as someone broke down the door in the next room, a knife in the wall from a missed attack from the pissed-off intruder, the sirens that came flooding in from the street, the man who got a good look at his face before being pulled away at gunpoint. finley had never felt unsafe until that point, as his parents had always assured him that they’d never let anything bad happen to him, but with both of them suddenly gone and arrested, that peace of mind had dissipated. there were people who knew him, who expected things of him, or who hoped to see him hurt simply because of his last name, and finley wanted none of it.

at age sixteen, he bolted. he’d seen where his path was steering him, and he wanted no part of it. so he took his name and a few stacks of bills from beneath the bathroom sink, traded them in for a half-dozen aliases across a handful of fake ids, and set out running.

he doesn’t like to settle for long. he rarely stays anywhere for more than a few months at a time, as he finds it’s harder to keep up with any fake history the more people there are around to question after him. because of this, he is also very hesitant to get close to new people--- as a sort of self-defense, a necessity, and a habit.

while his real name is finley nieves, it’s very rare that anyone actually knows those two for him together. the nieves are not famous by any means, but they do have enough of a widespread reputation to be known among a few circles that finley would prefer to stay distanced from. on his lease he is listed as finley weaver, and that’s likely the name most of the others around the complex would know him as. he has countless aliases he cycles through for security, and will adopt and drop new ones as he sees fit, but he has his favorites--- often ‘weaver’ for a last name, and ‘alexander’ as a first.

it’s likely he’s told everyone else a slightly different story as to how he ended up where he is. all of them are lies, to some degree, and none of them explain strange scars or the ease of which he can pick a lock or the tenseness in his frame when someone gives him too dirty a look.

uhhH honestly i have a lot more to say about him but this is already long as hell, thank you if you have read this far

tldr ; son of a crime family up and runs one day, spends the next few years flipping through fake names and identities and never landing anywhere for long. seems normal enough in passing, a pretty easygoing type who’s willing to share cigarettes and meaningless conversation, but probably has strange things to notice--- the sort of person that you would be surprised to know keeps a handgun by their bed, one that probably shouldn’t be asked about.

i have a couple super vague connection ideas, a list i’m hoping to expand on more sometime but for now here are just a handful :

anyone who has met him in the past, even in passing, especially if he was using a different name then than he is now.

a closer friend or romantic interest that he can be kind of hot and cold with, cause he’s honestly pretty good-natured but he can go quiet really fast when he realizes that he’s probably just going to up and disappear again soon.

fwb !!! hookups ! ill-advised one-night-stands !! he’s here for it and so am i, what can i say.

someone he feels weirdly protective of ?

a neighbor who’s probably seen some weird shit.

anyone who is suspicious™ cause honestly he can be a little sketchy.

someone who just helps him relax--- that can either fall under that hookup umbrella or something totally platonic, who just gets him to not mope around so much or just worry less about always looking over his shoulder.

idk other stuff !! hmu if you have ideas cause honestly i’ll probably be on board

#mediocre.intro #its 2:30 in the morning and im p sure this is Some Nonsense but #here he is !!!!!

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ryodan · 7 years

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Every team 7 ship VS NaruHina

To the clique that argued with me in the saltiest of ways, I dedicate to you my first ever anti nh post. I hope you think twice about telling people to kill themselves over your self insert and stop being a pimple on society’s ass.

Let’s start with the one that gets on your tits the most

Naruhina VS Narusaku (The Heaven and The Earth), alternatively titled : stop being angry he liked the hot chick and stop pretending Sakura isnt kushinas parallel

Whenever you feel the need to drag Sakura remember your origin story, @Lunaneko14. Don’t forget your years of defending SS to ride on it’s back lest ns happens

Your ship was here, while the ns fandom had this..no amount of sakura bitterness will change that, @mythicalheartbeat

Ya boy that she was gorgeous from before team 7’s creation

Before you call Sakura selfish while gratifying Hintata, @fallingforkonoha, remember your void eyed princess entered a fight Tsunade knew not to interfere in knowing she can’t do anything to confess her feelings (at the perfect timing too, really) saying this about herself

A sentiment that continued until her almost final appearance in the manga she took up less than 1% of, as she took a moment to appreciate Narutos, big capable hands in front of her dead cousin . hand holding in front of lavish scenery is so sweet

VS Sakura, the selfish monster who went in knowing she might get hurt, for him, because she cared greatly about his physical and emotional safety

Remember all those times Hinata just cared so much about his dreams, all those times she was there when he needed her

I love how she always believed in him, unlike Sakura. What a bitch, remember that comment she made in chapter 3 out of 700? Awful.

This QUEEN vs this BITCH, amirite @blackotaku97?

You know whats better than stealing someones ninja way, walmart naruto with a nuclear mushroom cloud of a head? Supporting your precious peoples ninja ways and finding your own.

A common argument that gets thrown around : Hinata was ALWAYS there for him

Sorry, I must have missed her in Narutos speech of the people who saved him from his loneliness and pain

I really like how she sees him miserable and doesn’t help him it’s the epitome of always there

Most of all, you nasty trash can excuse of a human being, I want you to get your head out of your asshole for just 3 seconds and accept that this happened

You can’t change what’s been set in stone

No amount of yapping with a filler movie can change the past. But you know what? Bitches bark and yap, that’s no surprise

No amount of yapping about the twin lions fist, a head branch hyuga jutsu being hinatas own changes facts, @commanderkurama

My fav part of the pain arc was when Naruto never asked Hinata about her confession, or her safety. I also particularly like Narutos first ever hug that someone else initiated

Drag Sakura all you want but remember when you were here after 2013

Narusakus had this before 2007

Remember that while your self insert was fainting and going on suicide missions

Sakura and Naruto had already built a relationship based on mutual support, respect, love and equal footing (weather platonic or romantic, love is love). A relationship where they both believed in each other, supported each other, had each others back, laughed with each other, cried with each other, had actual chemistry with each other. Remember that the next time you whine about people loving this ship instead of your talked about the weather and clothes ship in an entire movie dedicated to them couple.

Sakura supports your faves so much that no wonder you want to debunk her heroine status and reduce her to a side supporting character that matches your background fav

Hiding her tears so she doesn’t hurt him!11! reminds me of that time she fake confessed to keep him, kakashi and the rest of the world safe even if at the cost of killing her beloved one to save him from falling into deeper darkness. Sakura is so selfish, no wonder everyone in Japan hates NS

Know your place, Linda. Keep your scumbag-kun and the girl 2ch calls Hinabuta (quick Japanese crash course, that means hinapig), I like my Naruto and Sakura-chan just fine.

SasuSaku (The Hawk and The Cherry Blossom), alternatively titled: You rode on my back for years because your ship wouldn’t have had a hope in high hell if it were not for these two

Lunaneko, I think someone told me you said we try to compete with your shit ship.

It’s hard hearing you over making ship history

While Naruto was busy ignoring Hinatas general existence because she has the presence of the trash can in the sasusaku confession scene Sasuke (a boy who’s been thirsted after fresh from mikotos womb was already flustered and blushing towards sakura

You know what development is? Starting off with an irritable boy with 6 years worth of survivor guilt and manipulation weighing on his shoulders, saying something incredibly ignorant that rightfully pisses him the fuck off but still having him worry enough about you to stay with you to ensure your safety even at the risk of elimination

Aside from giving naruto his first hug, she gave sasuke his in years. Apparently Linkin park was so affected by human touch that he opened up to her about something he’s been repressing and isolating himself over for years. Going so far as stating ‘At that time, I was crying’ and even explaining his entire stance in the story ‘I am avenger’

Development is going from this look

To this look

From this

To this

And that wink too. There’s more chemistry in that wink than the entire NH movie

Remember that time Sakura helped Sasuke develop from a boy who had a childhood trauma based fear of stronger opponents with blood lust to a boy who fought Orochimaru bravely and grew 10x times in a single scene? All while she developed herself? And grew from an agreeable sasuke fangirl to a respected team mate? Y’all wanna compare the war hand hold scene to this? The war scene could have had potential if it ended better lmao

Why was he fighting?

Protecting her seems like an odd concept to you? Sasuke can’t relate :/ Naruto aint even wanna walk hinata home what joke is this

Remember that time Sasuke almost killed a guy in the forest of death? No, not broke Zakus arm

Sasuke was willing to kill for Sakura and I hope you know sasuke’s stance on killing. Where’s Naruto having this much care for hinata I don’t see it my competition is really lagging in this ‘race’

Remember that irritable boy? This boy crawling to her for comfort is a boy who grew alongside her, naruhina who?

You know what she did? She stayed up all night tending to her team mates, falling for konoha. Theres a fine line between cheating your crush at the risk of your team and staying up all night in a place titled the forest of death tending to their wounds at a mere bud age of 12

Wait no, bud who? She bloomed, all thanks to being inspired by the holy trinity (whos front and center? Louder for the people in the back, this is inspiration not just wanting to be with someone) and her own determination to protect her loved ones

Mutual development? Fuck me up. Here is an emotional maturation moment for BOTH of them

I love all of these mutual nh moments in the manga, all 0.0005 of them

She gave rise to a gentle protective side of him, so much so that he has used polite Japanese speaking to her before. The databook even states he saw her as someone he needed to protect. people ship ships for that special spark.The only spark hinata ever got was her wet dream from holding narutos hand, which she awoke from when she tripped on rock-kun

Naruto can’t tell apart true love from ramen? Canon Naruto can’t relate

I love that panel of jealous Naruto it’s great, oh wait its not him

Compete with Nh over what, blackotaku? Where is your naruto @ hinata speech I must need new glasses

Your bitch ass tried using you’re annoying as an argument and it’s so funny because imagine thinking he’s coming from a place of hate after he was willing to consciously give up his revenge for her safety and him saying what he said in their first encounter with a smile after pretending he didn’t remember their first meeting

Followed by this, the moment Japanese fans hailed the most emotional of part 1

You wish you were ss lmao, you wish you made it to 44 volumes out of 72

Compete with nh? On what? Getting stronger for your loved ones?

Chemistry?

Mutual support?

Their feelings are connected, their kid is the physical manifestation of their love not the screw that keeps them together..Her husband is travelling through space and time to keep them and the entire world safe. Naruto is 2 meters away, out there with a limitless bay of chakra unable to get clones to do his work for him.. anti-sakura-pro-hinata, at least when sasuke came home after 6 years of much harder work..he had dinner with his family. Maybe it’s because his daughter was raised well and it was pleasant being around someone who isn’t a brat.

Being intuitive to each other?

Oh lmao remember how Sakura was the only person who against all odds knew sasuke would leave the village?

Angst to keep it interesting?

Call me when Gaiden isn’t one of Kishimotos best selling works. Call me when your ship actually wants to spend time with each other.

Where Narutos ultimate expression of love at? Is is sleeping on the couch? Boruto novel states sasusaku is having so much sex that sakuras skin is glossing, meanwhile naruto has erectile dysfunction and a shriveled dick by age 32

Sit down, there is not much competition. We keep the SS Japanese penguins, the Jump Fiesta sign attraction, the popularity, the ambitious kid and the moments, the canon selfless love only for the purpose of saving your lover and you keep the canon selfish love for the purpose of a confession and the banana who wishes its father dies and the mom who just cried.

But remember who made you

SasuNaru (Yin and Yang), alternatively titled: having black hair isn’t enough to make naruto obsessed.

The garbage can @anti-sakura-pro-hinata blog that attempted to call Sasuke trash because her fictional boyfriend was obsessed with him seems to forget Sasuke didn’t ask for it. Naruto needed a pep talk from fillermaru and fillerkura to chase after hinata yet chased after sasuke, even begged authorities to not kill him purely because he is his ‘friend’ for 3 years. He trained with him in mind, a fact so obvious that Kakashi pointed out Sasuke is the driving force behind Narutos training. Sasuke, and the image he had of team 7 in his mind. An image so important to him that the thought of it being tarnished by Sasukes absence made him have a panic attack.

He went after sasuke to save his best friend and for them all to be happy and smiling together, im sorry he didn’t include Hinata in his fantasies but Team 7 is kind of booked..we only have room for neo sanins, vip people and connected hearts here. If youre jealous your self insert doesn’t matter,, I don’t know, make up fanfiction where she appears in more than 38 pages of the manga

#parallels

Hinata is canonically narutos most important person!11!! where? Must be on fight on top of the moon land. Be happy Naruto went rampant when his seal was weak, Konoha was destroyed, Jirayah was murdered, Kakashi was killed, Tsunade was hurt and then Hinatas ass decided to risk him chakra depletion, death and losing himself. But remember who made him go rampant with a strong seal at the slight mention of a name

The boy he wanted the acknowledgement of the most because he admired him so much that being like him was his goal

Yet when he got it was still like ‘later, emo asshole. Just get your shit together first.’

Why? Because he loved his friend so much that understanding him and fighting (literally fighting) the fated hatred in his heart mattered more to him than the ego he wanted stroked since age 7

What does that mean? I don’t know man. They trained together, laughed together, rivaled each other, were petty to each other and before they knew it they were inseparable. Back then and always

@remedialaction, come after sasuke because your self insert isn’t noticing the shy girl hes friendzoned later. A huge part of Narutos development was heavily tied to Sasuke, lets not ignore the fact that sasuke being a good team mate who put the 3 man cell idea into his head before Kakashi even told them about team work is the reason why they even became ninjas

Remove and erase Sasukes victim status, his entire arc, motivations, fate and position in the story because he is in the way of a ship when he isn’t the only reason Narutos dick was alive for Hinata

But no Sasuke is a bad person, no matter what the narrative and facts are because nardo is obsessed with him

Praise hinata for her naruto-kun became my goal speech when you acknowledge

‘I knew you were always alone. I felt better knowing there was someone like me..i wanted to hang out with you. It just made me happy! But I couldn’t..i was jealous of how skilled you were, so I turned you into a rival. I wanted to be just like you. I started with nothing but I finally made a connection. We went on missions as team 7, and I kept chasing you, wanting to be just as strong, just as cool. Im really glad I met you!’

Bring sasuke down and praise hakuna hintatas for saying the same thing. ‘Naruto kun saved me’ vs ‘Thanks to you I found salvation’

And weep over how sad your ship looks like next to two arms connected by love (platonic or not love is love), fate, tears and literal blood.

But no, what is yin and yang, light and shadows, love and hate, 2 lonely people watching over each other because ‘finally someone understands my solitude’ as a dynamic in comparison to meek girl and loud guy who could have voiced his attraction eons ago?! It’s funny, even with the canon context of SNS being indra and ashuras chakra incarnate and a brotherly bond, it still works better and is a hella lot more interesting than NH

The scenes showing Naruto and Sasukes iconic team work have more chemistry than naruhinas entire manga time, movie time, filler time and hell even fan art and fan fiction time. I know you're jealous because sasuke is well loved, but show some respect to Borutos mother.

Kakasaku (Hot and hotter), alternatively titled: Get your head out of your ass

Kakasaku is pedophilia!!

It’s bad!11! because my subjective opinion said so!11!

Not as bad as nh

People ship adult Kakasaku for a whole lot more meaningful stuff than a self insert ship

Kakashi never looked down on her since shippuuden. He acknowledged her strength and how far shes come from being the whiny 12 year old he used to teach. He always knew by part two that she’d be great and he respected her a lot. He saw her kind heart and praised her for it and for her selfless love. They grew to become fellow comrades in the war who had equal respect for each other. What can y’all say about NH? This is a joke.

I want to stay in my lane, but the lanes converge when you make ugly personal attacks at people and insult ships and characters to elevate your own shit show. Drag Team 7 into your ugliness again and I expose your insecure ass.

Y’all can’t touch this aesthetic. Come at these kids when Naruto doesn’t remember them when he’s eating a bento (Something special made by someone you love-sarada) made by his wife.

Special thanks to @uzumakura for tht good ns wank, @sakuraharunos for that good sns wank, @chiwawha for her opinion on ks and me for my patience

#narusaku #sasusaku #kakasaku #sasunarusasu #pro team 7 #sasuke uchiha #sakura haruno #naruto uzumaki #kakashi hatake #anti hinata #anti naruhina #anti anti sasusaku #anti anti narusaku #anti anti sasunaru #they all have me blocked #lmao

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valgee · 7 years

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416 Cigarettes

I walked out of that job; the second job I’ve flat fuckin walked away from because a corporate promotion was a way to get paid more to do more to get paid less to still do more. This aligned causally with an actual factual divorce, my own, I was spiraling down the familiar avenues of self-destruction and loathing in Las Vivas.

I found inspiration in an old flame. She messaged me sweet music and abruptly left the conversation when I hollowly expounded on my future plans to move away with my spouse. The declaration felt empty; I realized that she in my shoes wouldn’t continue to be unhappy. That was the genesis of my resolve.

My grandmother was in the hospital again; my dad made it sound quite dire. I resolved to visit and then never return home once I was on the open road. Ocean Springs had become a broiling cesspot of bad emotions and confusion infused negativity. The literal plan was to drive forever, see every friend on the planet, run out of gas, and fling myself off the nearest bridge. What actually happened was 20 days of pure unadulterated traveling and freedom, 65 hours of road time, and 4,242 more lodged into my personal mileage.

The first stop was Obligation, I visited my ailing grandma who was more assailed by a macabre atmosphere centered around her inevitable death that she would prefer not to be constantly reminded of. It was my between my father and my Aunt Mae to take care of her, as her third and youngest child had eschewed responsibility in the wake of my grandfather’s death, who had been paying her to take care of grandma and “When mama dies, that’s when we’ll get the real money.” The iceberg of disgust was rearing from an ocean of contempt when my cousin and Aunt Mae addressed me sincere, for the first time, about my relationship with my father, or the lack thereof. In my two decades of visiting there, it had never been explicitly stated by any member of the family, at least not direct to me or my sister, about how my father had fought in court for partial custody, two weeks every summer, except we went for two months because it was a full half of our family. My sister and I never saw our dad during those two months, save for a few days at the beginning and end. Vindication was the sensation of Obligation, a rider to the discomfort so fine; we were all discovering the darker natures of each other amidst the cloud of deaths future and past. I found mine in a father estranged yet so much like myself, I don’t want to be him, I don’t want to become him. I was an excuse to escape his own Obligation, time spent with offspring was a rare chance. The irony was lost on him, that it was so rare of his own volition, and now sought rabidly as a superior solution to fomenting his mother’s wasting away with his candid appeals to activity that she sloughed off for the dishonesty it was. I sloughed off him, too, and escaped to my next destination after a terse visit.

I ran out of gas in Ohio. I trekked a mile to the nearest gas station that did not sell gas cans. In the adjoining Subway, in the bathroom, I made a friend who only came there to piss, as he told me, and I, too, came there to piss, but also pick grass out of my socks, accrued from the highwayside walkabout. As I set out to the next gas station, the bathroom man offered me a ride, promising me he had nothing but time. I acquired my can, I acquired my gas and he extended his offer to drive me to my car. On the ride over, he told me his entire fuckin life story. He was a drug dealer from the podunk town in Ohio I was now in, he’d gone to Miama (Ohio) one weekend and come back with a kid, can you fuckin believe it, my baby mama only ever calls to fight or fuck and my girlfriend, who I’m livin with, hates that, you know? But Iunno, I’ll go over there and lay a line of coke down and she’ll, like, bend over, and rip it and back that ass up, she’s got a nice ass, you know? My girlfriend does, too, they got nice asses, Iunno. See, I like you, I can tell you anything and you don’t know shit, you don’t fuckin know anyone.

The second stop was Liberation, my dear friends Parla and Kelly in the Windy city I love. I rediscovered my Air element in the playful streets and inviting sunshine; this would be the last time I brought nice weather with me. I found Parla in a trend of bashful but passionate feminism but I was not yet shook of my tangled brain to connect with her genuinely, but I wanted to tell her that she didn’t have to qualify her validity to me, to me. She taught me macrame on a heated roof, we let strings dance in the wind. We laughed together in sopored stupor. I met her downstairs convenience bang, he brought me to his brazilian jujitsu class and I flattened myself for the experience. At first, he seemed threatened by me; he couldn’t fathom a masculine presenting presence having a dual platonic relationship with two attractive feminine presenting entities. He thought I had to banging one of ‘em. I couldn’t just be being friends. But we do. We are. I love them. We broed out with the irony lost on him; I struggle to relate my newfound gender identity to new people. I struggle to relate it to old friends who knew me before I knew me, but I felt as accepted as I ever was with them. Kelly came to me, drunker than she’d ever been, and cried in my lap. I wasn’t sure why she was upset, she couldn’t seem to articulate it or anything else, but I helped her into bed, glad I could be there for her. I may have overstayed my welcome, squatting in the daybed for a week, but I love that city. I reconnected with Roni and they gave me my highest highs, and my lowest lows, journeying to the highrise dance parties, and the basement bar belows. I left Chicago only with the promise of my closest friend to see next, my Water.

The third stop was Reconfiguration, I reconvened with the squidlord, TJ, and he opened his home to me fully and I could feel my soul reaching exponential bouts of healing here. I walked the streets of Perkasie, Pennsylvania, and garnered strange looks for my queer appearance. I got lost but I enjoyed it. He played hooky and took me to NYC where we see the Times Square, we Tai Chi in Central Park, and he misses his girlfriend’s texts. I am reminded of the spouse I left and the passive aggression for my identical transgressions. I ate street food, I poured out my entire romantic history to him as he strummed his ukelele. I didn’t mean to keep it so secret; our time together in college lent to a dual lifestyle: romantic and social were separate. I don’t know that he understands more now, but he knows more now; water struggles to perfectly reflect the shape and source of fire. Since the beginning of my trip, I had struggled with my break-up. In Chicago I had made peace, in Perkasie I found it. TJ, ever the empath, skirted the topic of suicide, and renewed his disdain for the exit. We listened to Listener, their newer work topical. I wanted him to reinvite me to live with him, but he didn’t. I left for my next destination, between NC and Chicago, my oldest internet friends implored me to visit, and given the week between opportunities to link up, I had gone to Perkasie. So, I carted off to Fort Wayne, Indiana.

My fourth destination was Sublimation, the subtlety, the transcendent, the phase change. I showed up late, and was greeted with first a soft intensity inside eyes. I descended into their basement and ensconced my weird ass in their wonderful family. Soothing cold fingers lightly brushed my heated skin as I imbibed the alcohol I’m super allergic to, to catch up with everyone else. I remember dancing, I remember thinking to be careful and respectful, she has a boyfriend, I remember dancing close enough to nudge once accidentally, and every subsequent wanton nudge was frivolously shameless. I don’t remember what happened next. I woke up, still drunk, and naked, in a bedroom I didn’t recognize. I regrouped and pissed and found my bearings, and she was there, her neck torn to shreds, a signature of mine reserved for my deepest drunken emotions. I haven’t done that to someone since I had my skeleton rended from my body, years ago. I didn’t remember, but the memory was there, buried in her earth, and I could feel it, and I do remember that next morning I spent digging for the memory with her again. And again and again. I almost made her late for work. I slept on the couch to shake off the drink and hangover, and awoke to dinner plans once she and her mother returned home from work. I was made conscious of my current unemployed status, and I wore the bruises she gave me on my neck defiantly. We talked about what happened without remorse. We flirted casually and lightly, hunting Pokemon with her family in their mammoth obsessed hometown. I tried to climb one at her behest, but I could feel my core trembling, my legs still weak. I had given her all of my fire. We returned home and made love again and again. There wasn’t single awkward silence in the immense amount of silence we shared, the intense longing eye contact we shared, the energy flowing between us that we shared. By this time, I had no money left to simultaneously feed myself and put gas in my car to make it home. I didn’t want to leave her, but I promised to return sooner than possible. I left with a heart beat I could hear again. I had forgotten what it was to fall in love with someone naturally and not try to force it for old times. My final destination was the only one planned before I left.

My fifth stop was Syncopation. My friend, Brandon, in Memphis, and his musical stylings. I arrived through the night, into the day, and met his improv friend on no sleep. I wrote for him in his journal, and he wrote for me. By this time I hadn’y paid my phone bill for a month and had no chance of doing so now. Without data, I couldn’t message Her without a wifi connection. It was a less than optimal situation; I feared giving the impression of nonchalance. Brandon played me a ballad, dedicated to me and my journey, and I rapped over it with an honest retelling of the Story So Far + Some Other Tangential Things. He lamented not recording it. I love things that live in moments. I spent one night and the next day. While he worked, I went with Shelby, his roommate, and also my old friend from college, to her place of work, the Memphis Zoo, where she got me in for free. I wandered the animals, and took in the sunshine. I saw a woman hit her head on a wall in the Nightmare room, but she was fine. I proceeded to get ultra lost in Memphis, and unable to connect to even Starbucks wifi. I navigated by touch and cavalier direction picking and arrived at his house. I was unable to access the inside, though a former lover of Shelby’s was sleeping off a hangover within. Brandon came home, let me in, and I played videogames and read until he came home. The ex eventually left, and Shelby broke down in tears, disgusted by the experience. The ex was an emotional vampire, and Shelby struggled to say no. She blamed herself for reasons she shouldn’t have, the ex took advantage of her and Brandon’s hospitality. I remember being good at the kind of honesty good here.. I felt for her, but I didn’t know yet how to show it again. I’m glad I could be there for her, though. I left that night and arrived in Ocean Springs, only falling asleep at the wheel 14 times. I crashed direct into my bed, a cool $0.14 over target to make it home, indicator on E, and slept for a long time.

Over the last two weeks, I’ve done nothing but pine for someone in Indiana, and my life on the road. By tomorrow, I’ll have both back, if the road only for a little while.

#me #journal #road trip

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