#but its just a VERY very overwhelming position to be in. and im not mentally well enough for that if that makes sense!!!

[hugsqueeze]

Just rambling about future project hosting BELOW!!!!! 🐛

Maybe I'll write (more) extensively about this another day, but I've been delaying and stalling any kind of creative projects out of fear/aversion to modern fandom culture and also... Just general stage fright. I like the idea of making comics for my stories or even working on games again. I've been drafting stuff for several projects on and off. But I always clam up and lose motivation when I imagine my work circulating to a much bigger audience. ☹️ Idk why, it's too intimidating. And I repeatedly thought to myself, "Well, I just wish that I could show my mutuals/friends the finished product and that's it." Not have it in a public space necessarily, but give the link to a couple people I feel comfortable with. And maybe over time, I would feel comfortable enough to release it for the general internet to see. Though the idea of being at the center of a fandom again is. Really... frightening and overwhelming to me 😭 Even now.

Mostly everyone who follows me here is on my comfort list of people who I would want to see my work. But again, if I just post the direct link or comic pages or whatever, it's a lot easier for random people to stumble upon it. Not trying to say that I think my projects are going to be good enough to get majorly big (nor do I want them to get big!!!!), but Hopefully you know what I mean anyway!!!! >_< BUT! I recently realized that I can make certain characters/posts/etc authorization only on my toyhouse! So, if I want to post comics or even game links, I can do so there. That way, only a limited number of people will see it. And even if it gets shared with others, it probably won't reach a huge audience of people. :] Thus keeping it MOSTLY in my circle of friends/mutuals and such (at least as much as possible)!

Again, this is a sort of makeshift solution. And maybe (HUGE maybe) I could make my stuff not authorization only in the future! But, for now, going forward, that's my game plan!!! Because I don't want to make games to accumulate an audience, I want to make games for fun. And because I love my OCs and want to see them come to life. I don't want to stifle my creativity out of fear. If that makes sense!! Anyway... I apologize for the rambling!!!

[freyito]

can write a head cannons on how the Lin Kuei trio would react to their s/o getting injured from a mission they just got back from and their s/o was trying to hide it from them? (not a serious life threatening injury, more of either they had a deep cut or bruised ribs, something like that)

im in the mood for some angst since i havent gotten any requests for it yet (this is ur time, anons ;) ), i know this prompt is pretty fluff-y, but i'm gonna make it a little bit more angsty. im also gonna write this a little bit different, since i'm real real into this request and writing angst is my specialty. sorry this took so long btw!!!! i had a hard time focusing for like a week, but im back in the mindset and i hope you all enjoy this!!!

cw: gn reader, little bitty angst, mentions of injuries & scarring, bruised rib, laceration, contusions, proofread.

ᴛʜᴇ ʟɪɴ ᴋᴜᴇɪ ᴛʀɪᴏ + ᴀɴ ɪɴᴊᴜʀᴇᴅ ꜱ/ᴏ

-Tomas Vrbada

Tomas was just glad both of you had returned safely. The threat was neutralized, and neither you, nor him had sustained any fatal injuries. Maybe you had gained a couple new cuts that would make nice scars, with stories to match, but he had sworn that was the lot of it. He was able to get you patched up before returning, but he had still insisted on meeting a doctor, an alchemist, anything that could help further. Especially since he was worried about infection. But you had reassured him that you were fine, the mission was over and all you needed was rest to heal up properly.

That night, you writhe in bed, finding some sort of comfortable position to ignore the seething pain in your chest. It wasn't lethal, no, but you did require medical attention. However, it was something that Tomas would worry about. And with the mental hardship of that mission, you knew that was the last thing he needed. The very last thing.

Biting your lip, you let out a sharp breath, before finding the optimal laying position. Uncomfortable, yet the pain was minimum. This was the path to healing, regardless. You rest your hand on your chest, as if to control your heartbeat. Something about that pain just made your adrenaline spike, as if you had been running for your life. Your head throbs, your breath feels short, and your vision ever-so-slightly blurs. It's psychosomatic, you know it is. But you had lied to Tomas, to yourself, and your guilt is eating away at your sense.

Lightheaded, you turn your gaze to the door, meeting eyes with your beloved. Horror resonates within his eyes, like the flame of ambition had died down and left only the ashes of regret in its wake. Tomas had watched you, roll and writhe and squirm and groan. His voice trembled, something lurking behind those sweet words of his.

"You lied?"

It is not that. It is not that you lied about being unharmed. It was the fact that now, even so desperately in pain, he knew he couldn't protect you. He didn't. And perhaps it had been the fact that you didn't trust Tomas enough to tell him about your chest, as he perceived it.

You propped yourself up on your arm, exhaling a painful amount of regret. And at that, Tomas flinched, almost instinctively. Not as if you were going to hit him, no, as if you were going to fall. Before you could even get a word in, to argue that you hadn't lied, you were worried, anything. Any single word. Tomas had rushed to the bedside, looking down at you now. His emotions showed clearly, hurt, mainly. But behind that, all sorts of emotions welled up in his chest. Anger, betrayal, pain, empathy. He wants to pick you up, he knows he can't. But there's a part of him that suddenly yearns to touch you, now, right now. Begging, pleading within him. But instead, he swallows that feeling and saves it for when you make a full recovery.

Tomas calls a medic, promptly. He finds it hard to speak. He doesn't go mute, he's just overwhelmed with all sorts of negative emotions that all the words he'd say get choked up in his throat. As the medics show up and end up escorting you away with a wheelchair, Tomas can't help but stay behind. He looks at the bedside as if you aren't in better hands now, mourning almost. He knows you can take care of yourself, you're strong and skilled. But this is why he worries, he's afraid of you getting hurt, still. A nightmare, that's what it is. Knowing it's not something you're willing to speak of outright, either. Before he continued on to follow the medics, he took a couple seconds to control his breathing, and steady his emotions.

Until your rib had healed, Tomas stayed by your bedside. Day in, day out. None of the nurses could even get him to move, especially after visiting hours were over. For such a minor injury, it broke something inside you to see the man, hunched over at your bedside.

-Bi-Han

With the end of a successful mission, Bi-Han was happier to be home. Losses had been kept at a minimum, but as always, there had been more than his fair share of blood spilled. Injuries were common, both you and him knew that. And he had always made sure that you, out of anyone- especially anyone close to him- had been unscathed. Granted, he knew, with even low-scale fights, injuries were bound to happen. He takes pride in how strong you are, knowing that you are more than fine on your own. But he also takes pride on being able to be there. To protect you when you somehow fall short.

Somehow, you had weaseled your way out of a medical exam. As crucial as it was, you knew Bi-Han had a bad habit of worrying over the smallest things. Especially when it pertained to you. The only thing you were left with was a laceration on your shoulder, which was hastily covered with loose gauze. It wasn't anything that drew attention, but moving your arm in a particular way or pressure had definitely would've caused it to bleed again.

That evening, you were out with Bi-Han, enjoying the fresh air and relishing in your victory. It was a regular occurrence, something you both did either in the dead of night or in broad daylight. It was something you two did for yourselves. Bi-Han enjoyed it, getting to spend time with you, surrounded by tranquility and near bliss. It was a nice distraction from his duties as Grandmaster. To spend time with you, hold you tenderly, whisper what he had thought of you, or maybe just enjoy your presence. It was hard for him, but he loved being vulnerable with you, it was one of the few instances of trust he had shown anybody.

So, when Bi-Han had gently caressed your shoulder, the hitch in your breath scared him. The first thought in his mind had been regret, as if he had hurt you. Until you reached for your shoulder, and covered your wound. He had not applied any pressure, but the wound had been irritating you. When you met Bi-Han's warm eyes, the heartbreak almost shot a hole through your heart. When you reached for him, to reassure him it was okay, just an odd reaction, he turned his head away. As if he had betrayed himself. Now, you could see the thoughts processing in his head, each one worse than the last. He wasn't afraid of hurting you now, he was afraid that his actions would lead to this reaction. He was afraid that you had feared him.

You reached for him once again, only now catching his attention and fishing him out of his thoughts. He looked sorrowful, the previous answer lingering on his mind. You could almost see his lips quiver, until he laid his eyes on the gauze peeking out from just under your shoulder. His regret turned into curiosity, and before he could reach in to take a closer look, your guilt took hold. To redirect his attention, you cupped his face ever-so-gently, hoping it would not only distract him, but that it would keep his thoughts at bay.

Mistake number one, really. Bi-Han's fears had been disproved, but now he knew you had been hiding something from him. He couldn't take his eyes off the bandages, yet he leaned into your touch. Simple assurance, for a simple cover-up. He reached for your shoulder again, lifting up the hem of your sleeve. He didn't need a second look, but he took one anyone. You recoiled slightly, caught in your lie. When his eyes met yours, they weren't full of anger, or hurt. Worry, mostly.

"Were you hiding this from me?"

In a way, those words stung. You didn't want to stress him out, and more-so, you didn't want to deal with the medics either. Bi-Han furrowed his brows, rolling his tongue over the bottom of his teeth. The very real threat of infection was present, with a cut that deep. Your injury wasn't fatal, he knew that. But his fear of infection reigned over that. Without a second thought, his hand strayed to your wrist, and pulled your hand away from his face gently. His gaze wasn't cold, it was rather warm. But you could tell he was annoyed that you had hid your injury from him.

With a soft and quick gaze, Bi-Han interlocked his fingers with yours, and led you out of the woods, to the medics. He's tense, he's almost horrified of infection. He's afraid that it'd be too late to catch it.

Bi-Han watches the medics the entire time, arms crossed. He only relaxes when your wound is cleaned and bacitracin is applied. And, out of precaution, he redresses your wounds every day. He'll talk to you about hiding things from him, especially wounds.

-Kuai Liang

With another mission complete and another win under his belt, Kuai Liang had become quite relaxed. With very little injuries to you and himself, he was actually quite proud. At least, that's what he had thought. Normally, Kuai Liang is observant. He can catch any discrepancy in your behavior, and that's what made him so hard to get around. Unfortunately, the wound you had been trying to hide was especially annoying, and in an even worse area. A contusion on your thigh, something that made it increasingly hard to walk.

But, you knew Kuai Liang had no need to worry over you. As much as he loved you, and you love him, you would rather not put another weight on his shoulders. As skilled as he was, fighting had always stressed him out, especially the aftermath. And he could never forgive himself for letting you get hurt, even if you had more than the means to defend yourself. He always admired your lethality, but he was possessive, and the thought of his love getting hurt without him watching over them was a painful thought.

You stifled your pain as you got up off the shared bed, the nap you had taken doing no help to your injury. Kuai Liang stirred next to you, absently reaching for you in his semi-conscious state. His hand landed on your thigh, firmly. His thumb pushed down into the tender bruise, making you cringe. Feeling you twitch under his absent-minded touch, Kuai Liang began to regain full consciousness. As if a nervous reaction, the burning pain in your thigh spread further down your leg.

You turned to look at Kuai Liang over your shoulder, meeting his groggy gaze. Soft, and warm. In his half-awake state, he didn't take notice to the slight crease in your brows, or the way you bit your lip to ignore the pain. Not yet, anyways. He uttered a couple of things under his breath in Chinese, mainly complimenting you. He got up, taking his hand away from your thigh, and yawning. After a couple seconds of comfortable silence, Kuai Liang met your eyes once again, smiling softly.

Your body relaxed, the pain in your thigh subsiding a little. Turning to kiss him, however, broke that brief comfort. The way you angled your body as your lips caught his sent another rush of pain down your full leg, the contusion tender and near begging for some sort of pain relief. Your breath caught in your throat, causing you to pull away and hiss. Kuai Liang flinched, raising his hand and pausing. His first thought was that you had just stretched wrong, but when you had reached for your thigh subconsciously, it clicked instantly.

"You're still hurt? You didn't tell me?"

Anger flared in Kuai Liang's eyes, just for a second, before concern set in. He could've protected you, but also you had hid this from him. He didn't know exactly what to feel in the moment, conflicted and confused. But he knew you were hurt, so his very first instinct was to take care of you. Once you had shown him it was a contusion, nothing deep or at risk of infection. But it was a rather big bruise, so he worried more.

During your recovery, he keeps a close eye on you. He checks on the bruise regularly, until its no more than just the size of a dime. Only then did he allow you to walk without his help. He'll definitely have a talk with you, and in future missions he'll always be close by. He wouldn't dare let his treasure get hurt again.

© freyito, 2023 | masterlist | queue | kofi DO NOT REPOST AS YOUR OWN OR USE FOR AI/AI CHATBOTS.

[princessoflalaland]

I kid u fucking not, im genuinely tweaking thinking about the jjk men, specifically nanami and toji. the complete polarity between them drives me insane.

nanami would treat you like a complete and utter queen. craving something only available across town? he's already in the car the seconds the words leave your pretty little lips. period causing your day to be less than perfect? heat pads, comfort foods, blankets, candy- anything you need will be at your disposable. he's a good listener, affectionate, doting, understanding, mature, he is a MAN.

and do not let him know about your sexual needs. mans will (responsibly) drop whatever he's doing to come satisfy you. put that pussy on his nose, let his tongue trace the insides of your tight, gummy walls, he loves it more than you do. let him drill into that pussy until you're both on the brink of passing out with you mewling his name, how good he is, how deep he gets, how much you love his dick, he loves it wayyyy more than you do. ride him to your heart's content, sloppy licking and kissing into his mouth because you know why: he loves it more than you do. he'll make love to you every night if you'll let him, and I have an inclination you would. I mean, who'd wanna miss out on the sweet vulgarities he'd purr in your ear while he rearranges your guts?

"my pretty girl, takin' me so well." he'd huff into your ear. your legs splayed out near your torso as he has you in your all time favorite position: the wonderful mating press. "ah, God," nanami hissed, face pinching with overwhelming pleasure. "you're squeezing me, baby..gonna make me cum.." he'd lift his head where it was tucked away in the crook of your sweat-slicked neck, staring into your very soul with a dangerous mix of adoration and hunger. "want me to cum inside you, love? pump this pretty pussy f-full of my cum?"

You became his world and whatever his woman wants, she gets, no questions, no debate.

Toji, ohhhhhhhhhh TOji toji toji. He's my guilty pleausre, I swear to you. I've committed my heart, soul, and body, to nanami, I've claimed him as my jjk husband, BUT toji truly is my forbidden fruit. I have to fight actual demons not to imagine him pounding into me from behind, the side, upside down, up into me- in any way shape and form simply because feel like im being disloyal to Nanami :(

(mind you these are fictional men created by a Japanese sadist name Akutami Gege, I need to be committed to a mental institution at this rate)

AHEM, anyway, Toji is a blunt lover, and here's what I mean: (in my head) he may not be the best at communication or very good with his feelings, but he'll do his damndest to be upfront with you. he'll try his best to do what he thinks is best for y'alls relationship and with your help, he gets better at voicing how he feels. idgaf what you gotta say, he. will. spoil. you. yes, keeping money isn't something he's always been good at, BUT that all changed when he got with you. Mans made an entire savings account just for you. his money is your money basically; whatever you want is yours, no questions asked. he'd be your ride or die. no one gets to you without getting through that sexy, delicious, mountain of a man. he'll damned if he lets anyone even think about disrespecting his lady. he'll gladly rearrange their face, maybe even end their bloodline, if they're dumb enough to try. toji is...idk the hood nigga of jjk if u ask me, and if you think really hard, that's headcanon enough.

its one of the undisputed facts of the world that toji has that dawg in him. he will, happily, gladly, proudly, rearrange your insides, then give them a fresh paint job with his cum. he'd talk that nasty shit in your ear too while he's pounding you from behind.

"ohh, this pussy so good f'me, ma. so wet, so fuckin' tight....g'nna fuck 'er nice 'n good, maybe leave a baby in 'er too.” he'd growl, his tip bullying your g-spot at a punishing pace. "you'd like that, wouldn't ya?" he'd pull you back by your hair, keeping your back flush against his broad chest while his rough hand traveled down your navel so his thick fingers could torture your clit. "want a baby fucked into yer tight, nasty pussy. ohh im gonna fill you up baby. fill this perfect, fuckin' pussy..."

the forbidden fruit is toji fushiguro, you cannot change my mind.

this was mindless nanami and toji drabble because I need them, istg im tweaking bc maybe they aren’t so different…

[teyammybeloved]

KISS IT BETTER !

miguel o’hara

PLEASE READ AN, ITS VERY IMPORTANT TO THIS STORY

summary: reader has never been good at talking about emotions, always dealing with the guilt and feeling as if a burden so it often leads to pushing people away… but miguel wants to know.

warnings: mentions of mental health, mentions of depression and depressive episodes, pushing away, self sabotage etc

I HATE the end of this, it was so rushed im so sorry

an/ i want to start a series where i write different characters comforting readers or characters with certain mental illnesses because i know a lot of people don’t get that sort of comfort and recognition and i know theres a lot that isn’t talked about and i really want to bring awareness to it. this touches on a few topics but im happy to write individual works, and they can be about any character.

this

PLEASE if there is anything you want to see written about in this series send me a message and tell me whatever it is, and any certain details you want included. it would be so so deeply appreciated.

the kiss was soft, so soft you wouldn’t have felt it if you weren’t already half awake, despite your eyes being closed. you knew it was miguel, leaving for work.

you could feel the way he lingered in the door way after whispering that he loved you. you could almost sense the worry in his posture, not even having to look at him.

you stay still, eyes closed. it was early, you had no reason to be awake, yet you were. you waited until you heard the front door close to open your eyes and stir in your position on the bed.

you missed miguel, you were asleep when he got home, from late hours, and you were asleep when he left in the morning. you no longer visited him at the HQ like you use to, purely just not having the energy to even leave the bed most days.

it seemed as if every moment, that should shine in golden colours, had been replaced by grey. the days blended together, you couldn’t remember what day it was or what time it was.

you held it well though, the house was always cleaned by the time miguel got home, his food was ready in the fridge, for when he got home. he had no idea about the constant overwhelming fear of day to day life.

you wanted to tell him, but he was dealing with so much as it was, and the last thing you wanted to do was put more pressure on him then necessary. you grew up in a house hold where talking and showing your feelings was seen as weak, and it had just stuck with you.

it wasn’t that you didn’t trust miguel, you did, more then anything. but you didn’t think it was important, of course you had gone through things like this before, you could get through it.

the day went on, eventually you got out of bed, showering, no matter how shit you felt, you’d shower, if it was just you there, you probably wouldn’t but there was that fear that if miguel saw how bad you were effected by this, he would leave.

the house didn’t need to be cleaned, miguel had cleaned his dish when he finished eating. it was late noon, miguel wouldn’t be home till later, but you preferred ered to cook earlier so you could go back to bed and wallow in self deprecation.

halfway through cooking, just basic spaghetti bolognaise, you heard keys, the front door. you furrow your eyebrows, wondering who it could be since miguel wasn’t supposed to be home till later.

until you heard his voice.

“amor, i got off early” he yelled out, you squeeze your eyes shut, as he yells out your name, eventually finding you in the kitchen, body turned to face the stove where you were making the meat.

“baby- it’s early. why are you cooking so early” he asked, walking up to stand next to you. you just shrug, not saying anything. your mind now linking with your stomach, a bubble of anxiety filling it.

“hey- talk to me” miguel said, grabbing your wrist to stop you from mixing, which was just an excuse to avoid the conversation- he knew you.

“wanted to get it done so i could finish cleaning” you mutter, miguel looks around at the already spotless house. “baby- its clean already”

you just shrug, still not looking at him. he turns the stove off. “miguel” you sigh. you were burnt out, completely burnt out, tired of everything lately, waking up, everything being so repetitive.

“talk to me” he says, his tone wasn’t quite begging yet, but wasn’t demanding either. “what am i meant to talk to you about” you run a hand through your hair as you walk away from the stove, leaning against the counter.

“whats going on with you” he says, tilting his head softly, you squint your eyes. “nothing, miguel” you say.

“obviously it’s something, its like i haven’t see you awake in days, you don’t come to the hq, the house has been spotless lately, which is a massive indication of something being up since you only clean when you’re stressed, just talk to me”

you feel anger, but you aren’t angry, youre so insanely tired and drained that everything is just pissing you off. “can you just drop it, oh my gosh” you say, leaning off of the counter to walk away, miguel only follows.

“i just want to help you, baby.”

you audibly groan. “god!! miguel you’re a superhero, you help people who are being attacked or are in danger!”

“i think you are in danger” he says softly. you scoff, miguel doesn’t take it to heart. he knows something is up, and he knows its bad. you aren’t one to yell or get angry like this.

you cant really explain how your feeling besides wanting to smash your head into a brick wall.

“miguel, can you just leave it alone!”

you walk away this time, miguel doesn’t follow. he runs a hand through his hair, beating himself up on the way he approached the situation.

you sigh as you walk into the bathroom, locking the door behind you, you slide down against it, pulling your knees to your chest, guilt eating you alive at how you reacted.

you hated how your hurt always came out in anger, it was like you had no control over it. this is why you just deal with it alone.

you don’t realise you’re crying until you open your mouth to take a shakey breath, the taste of salt filling your mouth from your tears. you know miguel deserves an explanation, he deserves better.

you want to be better, but you have never been close to anybody like you are with miguel.

its insanely scary, the fear he will leave if he finds out how truely fucked you are.

you didn’t know how to cope with having people close to you, and having people who genuinely care, it had always been a challenge to open to.

you run your hands over your face as you hear a soft knock on the door, “princessa.” miguel says softly, probably the softest you’ve ever heard him talk.

you stay silent on the other side. “you don’t have to talk to me about it, and im sorry i pushed, i just care” miguel said, you could tell he had his head against the door, because of how close his voice was.

“just come out” he says softly. you pause for a moment as you hear the slight crack in his voice, you were shocked that he hadn’t already left, your outburst was embarrassing and you shouldn’t have taken it out on him like that.

you shuffle, miguel hears it, then he hears the click of the lock, he steps back as you open the door.

“im sorry”

“im sorry”

you smile softly as you and miguel talk at the same time, “i am sorry, i shouldn’t take my feelings out on you.” you say softly.

he shakes his head, opening his arms, you shuffle towards him, letting his arms wrap around you tightly. “just want to make sure you’re okay, baby”

you frown, “im sorry-“

“i know baby, ive noticed” he cuts you off, he could sense you didn’t want to talk about everything that was going on, but he wanted you to know he was there.

“im going to have tomorrow off, an us day. lets lay in bed and cuddle all day, do whatever you need to do,” he says.

you look up at him.

“thank you”

“course, cuddles and kisses can almost fix anything” miguel says softly, kissing your forehead.

“not dead, kisses wont fix dead” you say, smiling up at him from his arms.

“yeah, but you aren’t dead, so i can kiss you till youre all better”

[cupoftaae]

Life In Color - KTH drabble- The one with the pink dress ⋆｡°✩

summary- going wedding dress shopping with your future husband isn't typical, but you do it anyways.

pair- kth x female!reader

rating- 18+

A/N - hi guys! I hope you love these new drabbles, Tae and y/n are my favorite couple ive written and can't wait to deepen their story line. enjoy :) -Nini

"and who is this you've brought with you?"

"my fiancé"

The woman sitting front desk blankly looked at your large grin as you stood in a large puffer jacket, Taehyung behind you with the same smile plastered on his face.

"oh!" she finally spoke, "it's just most couples choose to wait for the dress reveal until the wedding"

You nod, you knew this was gonna be questioned.

You tried your best to explain that you wanted your husband to be the first to see it, instead of the last. You and him agreed that it would be better to surprise family. Was it conventional? no, but nothing you two did ever was.

Another woman came out from the back and led us into a try on room, mirrors surrounding the small couch that taehyung plopped down on, his own face slightly pink in anticipation to see you in a real wedding dress.

everything was becoming increasingly more real as the clock began to tic down to the wedding date.

"let me take your coat, baby" he whispered, pulling it off your shoulders as you stood.

"ok, im gonna go with her and pick out a few and i'll come back in once im ready" you giggled and kissed his nose, happily following the woman out to the room. The large isles of puffy dresses was slightly overwhelming to look at.

You were supposed to pick just one?

"so we will gather as many as you please, then eliminate them as we go until we find the dress that you feel most beautiful in"

You grinned and nodded, "sounds good"

Your eyes scanned, looking deeply at each unique design. you almost felt like an imposter standing here, this was a little too fancy.....and expensive.

Growing up on the poorer side meant now that you were 23, and had your own well earned money, you still had issues with spending it. Every item was a questionable "is it really that needed?" purchase. The fear of someday running out, all because you spent it on unnecessary items haunts you, even though that is far from realistic.

"so....tell me about your fiancé" the older woman spoke, her arms crossed as she followed you around the room, collecting anything that sparked your interest even in the slightest.

"well...." you blush, "we've known each other since we were little kids, and to be honest I think we were just meant for each other" you mentally cringe at the corny line that left your mouth. It was true though.

She grinned "how adorable, you both are rather young, I dont see a lot of kids in their early 20's getting married as much as before"

"yeahh..." you began, handing her a soft white gown to add to her small pile in her arms. "I guess we have spent so much time together that instead of waiting, we just knew what we wanted"

"that is very true, he seems as lovely as you and I'm positive it will work out. Whens the wedding?"

"February"

"3 months, that exciting. Most women have their dress a year before" she laughed softly

"yeah well we didn't have much time to plan, we are not super fancy and its just gonna be a small wedding with our parents and siblings, nothing super big"

"small weddings are always sweet too, of course you wont get as much money with that little guests" she teased, making you secretly scrunch your face up.

"eh...not too concerned"

You did not care if you weren't going to get many expensive gifts or cash at your wedding, it didn't matter.

thats not really the point of the ceremony.

After a bit, you gathered only 3 dresses and began trying them on.

The first dress was a white puffy one, the skirt similar to a princess gown like you've seen in movies.

"tae?" you whispered, opening the door and walking in to see him on the couch.

His eyes widened as he took you in, a faint blush powdering his cheeks. "i.....woah"

The woman laughed as she had you stand on the platform in front of the mirrors.

"do you like it?"

He lagged for a moment, in shock before nodding, "ye-yeah, yeah I do, baby you look gorgeous" he smiled widely, unable to take his eyes off.

"this one is part of the new collection in stock, no one has bought it yet, its one of a kind and original" the woman began speaking as she flattened the skirt.

"oh wow, thats cool" you mumbled, eyes stuck on yourself in the mirror. It was kinda freaky to imagine yourself in a wedding dress since you were little, and now seeing it in real life.

Taehyung watched in awe of your beauty, but he couldnt help but notice your uncomfortable body language. He chose to stay silent as the worker began speaking once more.

"you look absolutely stunning in it, the price is about $9,000 right now, but of course that would probably be more in the higher 9k or even closer to 10k considering this is a bit big on you and would need alterations"

You felt your face drain, 10k for a white dress made of fabric you could buy at the craft store? Sure, it was an incredibly beautiful gown, but you were not about to pay that much for a one time wear.

"God, ...okay" taehyung lifted his winter cap from his head to itch his scalp in thought, putting it back down as he watched your expression.

"yeah uh...not gonna get this one" you whispered, looking at the worker

"thats okay, lets go try the other ones you picked"

Taehyung sat back down, part of him loving the way you were putting on a little fashion show for him, the other, concerned that you were bothered by something.

You stepped out in another dress, however this white one was more fitted, there was no train behind it, instead it hugged your curves.

Your fiancé smirked, watching as you stepped up to the platform.

"now, how do you feel? this one is from the summer collection, but you did say you were having an indoor wedding in February so you'll still be warm"

You thought for a moment, turning to see your body in the mirror, taehyung stood behind you, "you look so beautiful baby" he smiled

You shrugged, offering an iffy smile "I dont know"

before you knew it, your eyes were tearing up for NO reason.

The worker noticed how concerned taehyung had gotten and she spoke up, "i'll be right back"

When the door shut, he gently took your hands and made you face him, he whispered "whats wrong, hm? why are you so sad, my love?"

"I dont know" you whispered, his fingers wiping your eyes. "I just dont feel as pretty as I thought I did in these, I feel like a fake to be honest"

"why is that?" he sounded angry, not at you, but at the thought you didnt see your own beauty.

"everything is just so expensive and I dont feel like it belongs on me" you sniff, his face softens.

"hey" he whispered, "my parents agreed to help the cost of your wedding dress, stop worrying"

"I know but its not fair to you guys, and besides, I just feel weird. I wish I could just wear whatever"

He smiles gently and brushes your hair. "what is it that you want?"

"see, I dont even know. I remember when I was a little girl I always wanted to wear a puffy baby pink gown" you laugh, "everything seemed so easy then huh"

He thought for a moment, "a pink dress hm? lets see if they have that here"

"are you serious? baby, I was just joking"

"so? try one on anyways my love"

"i dont know....I was like 10 when I said that and-"

"sh" he gently cupped your face, "these dresses arent doing it for you, and we wont stop until we find what makes you feel beautiful, ok? theres no harm in trying."

When the woman came back in, he softly explained the situation, and watched as she left to go find some options that fit the idea you wanted.

After a few moments, she returned with a dress she think you'd like/

"try this one, hun, I think its the closest to what you were telling me, its also the lightest shade of pink"

You glance at tae before nodding and going to change.

It fit on easily, only slightly big in the chest, but its nothing a quick sew job from your work friend couldnt fix.

You step out, watching Taehyungs expression widen at you "oh baby.....you are so beautiful, I love you"

You giggled as he kissed you, turning your body to look in the mirror. You teared up again, but this time not because you were sad.

The baby pink dress had laced long sleeves and a large flowing skirt, the waist sewn tight. It was just the right amount of sparkles added, and for some reason you knew that this is what 10 year old you would have wanted.

"i...I love it" you whispered

Taes eyes watered a bit, seeing the genuine reaction from you.

"how much is it?" you turned to the woman, she began to speak but taehyung stopped her,

"nope, doesnt matter"

"baby-"

"no, no, you love this dress"

You frowned and nodded

"im gonna take care of it, okay?" he kissed you gently, sharing a glance into your eyes through the mirror in front of you both.

"are you sure?"

"positive"

You waited a moment, holding his hand "I really do love it" you whispered

"so....is this the dress?" the worker smiled softly, watching you nod slowly as you wiped a tear "yeah...yeah this is the dress"

taglist-

@ohsweetmimosa

[baby-xemnas]

i love to think about young lawbepo, especially the day they met and the days/weeks/months after, when law was 13 and bepo was 9, so cute and innocent! 🥺💕 i can see it being something like love at first sight for young bepo when young law came to his aid and fought to protect him. i’ve always gotten the vibe that bepo was picked on a lot as a child, that he was used to it, and because it was rare for anyone to stand up for him, let alone physically fight for him, he just wasn’t one to expect it. i’m not sure how long the fight lasted between law and penguin/shachi, but i bet young bepo was in absolute awe, thinking “he’s doing all this and he doesn’t even know me! he’s fighting two guys at once! that’s amazing! he’s so cool! 😳😍🤩” and bepo wears his heart on his sleeve, so he was likely very enthusiastic and emotional and affectionate in telling law just how thankful he is for law saving him and how incredibly awesome he thinks law is, the coolest person bepo has ever seen in his life 😆 young bepo immediately following and clinging to his hero, shyly holding on to law’s shirt, not wanting to be separated, just an instant pure-hearted love that grows strong and fast the more bepo gets to know law 🥺💕 i wonder how law responded to such a level of devotion from this cute little polar bear, and if it was overwhelming for him? i can see law being a bit stoic and awkward about it at first, not knowing how to respond to bepo’s affection, not expecting bepo to become so attached to him. but maybe internally it doesn’t take long for law to become quietly possessive of bepo’s admiration and affection, coveting it, liking the way bepo smiles at him and looks at him with stars in his eyes, wanting to protect and keep bepo close, even though he hasn’t known bepo that long and it is unusual for law to warm up to others

perfect take zero notes

yes i absolutely think that bepo was picked on when he was small back on zou because how do you come to conclusion "if i dont fight back we can be friends" thats so wrong... maybe when he was very young he hurt a smaller species baby and adults got very mad so bepo just never responded to any bullying since. just by being born a polar bear he was the biggest and strongest child so he got told by adults repeatedly to be very careful so he grew up so timid

zepo wasnt much help because when he was around he was tough on bepo - didnt bully him ofc but he told him not to listen to anybody and always fight back (jock mentality lol) but bepo couldnt follow his advice so that really upset him

he was very happy when law saved him not just because of that but also because law was nice and heard him out and looked at him normally (ofc bepo saw the obvious HOLY SHIT A BEAR IS TALKING on laws face at first but it wasnt like the weird vibes other people he interacted with gave him)

law is so amazing he is his hero he is so kind....its even more cute because law is actively fighting his prickly habits that he gathered from being in DQ family...he is very upset at himself is he loses patience with bepo and the other two and treats them the best he can (he is rly such a hard working boy it makes me wanna cry) and its good because bepo is so forgiving and moves on easily if law acts prickly out of habit and bepo gets all sad law is like im sorry its not your fault and bepo perks up immediately because WOW LAW SAN IS BEING SO NICE

it honestly takes law aback sometimes how easy it is for him to affect bepo's mood and stir it in positive direction - but he is happy because he doesnt want him to be upset...

law deciding "ill protect him forever" about bepo who is so soft (mentally and physically yes) and vulnerable is so cute and great i love to think about it

[whoneedssexed]

Hi. I need advice. My bf has depression and while it hasn't been terrible while we have been dating , recently he seems more distant and has mentioned he feels stuck in life, he's constantly unsure now which is very not him and keeps quiet and says "I dont know" alot. We and his friends think his depression is slowly coming back, because obviously it doesn't go away. I dont know how to help, because I do feel like its putting a strain on our relationship, we're currently doing long distance due to work so we arnt able to have our similar routine. His communication skills are not the best, we have small arguments frequently mainly due to his lack of interest on the conversation or his small outbursts. Which at the time I didnt put two and two together but now it kinda make sense. I feel like he has become distant and dont seem engaged at all when we have little time to talk. While I feel for him, im getting frustrated because our fight seem to be the same pattern, of him not being able to communicate properly. I've expressed this before as this is all we have at the moment and he seems to understand but doesn't seem to make much effort of trying. I do think the distance has affected this and he doesn't seem to realize, he a very actions person and he has expressed that he feels useless bc he can't do much for me while I'm away. Were so well together in person but lately we seem like a completely different couple . I'm not sure what to do, I think I want to give him some space , which makes me a bit sad bc we hardly have much time to chat. I ask him if he needs alone time ,etc but he can't seem to answer me with a direct answer. During our relationship his depression hasn't been bad , its been maybe mild but nothing to this effect, it's never caused a shift in our relationship but this time it feels different. So im.not sure how to go about this. Any advice would help, I do love him and want our relationship to grow but the past couple of months it seems more draining and mentally exhausting.

I know this is a very, very late response, but when things get like this for depressed people, it can be a red flag for potential suicidal ideation.

That said, being depressed can also cause a lot of brain fog, which makes people indecisive, dissociative, unable to think to the future, etc. This happens because of how exhausting and draining depression can be, especially in a world that demands you always be doing something, anything, at every moment. People with depression are extremely susceptible to burnout.

He could need a change in medication/treatment, or a change in environment, or a change in his support systems. Or sometimes, it's just a temporary rut in life. Doing more positive and/or relaxing things can also help, such as colouring in books, going to a movie, starting a new series, visiting an animal sanctuary, going on a hike, going to an amusement park, etc. Things that don't require a lot of effort and can be simply enjoyed, depending on social tolerances (ex: a museum could be a bad idea because there's too many people and it overwhelms).

There's also the fact that the strain on your relationship could be the cause of the depression and not the other way around. Which is to say, because you guys aren't in your usual routines and aren't able to experience each other often, his depression is returning. A lot of depressed people rely on routine and partner support to supplement their treatments. Breaking routine in particular can leave someone feeling lost, hopeless, confused, stuck, and so on. Plenty of people need routine to feel purpose and direction in their lives.

Depression can cause more arguing because it can deplete one's ability to tolerate others. Again, this is because of how draining depression is, which leaves someone with significantly less spoons and overwhelmed easily. Shutting down is a natural defense mechanism and presents itself as aloofness, sudden bouts of anger, disinterest in anything, inability to conversate, and so on. There can be different ways to treat these individual symptoms which can improve the overall depression.

If he seems to struggle still with communication or explaining what he wants and thinks, have him start keeping a journal or notebook where he writes everything he is feeling, or even draws pictures. Have him jot down any time his mood dips and what happened at the time it did, and maybe he can find triggers for what's going on with him.

But, it is fair to be frustrated. You have your own feelings and likely own problems as well and for the support YOU needed to be taken away is absolutely a frustrating thing. It's a good idea for you to find other support in this trying time to maybe take the pressure off of him.

If you haven't already, I would communicate to him exactly how you're feeling, and that you want to help but you don't know what to do. Ask him what he needs most right now - a distraction? a discussion? a solution? - and follow through. If he can't decide about it, emphasize you're there for when he knows. Additionally, explain to him that there's always gonna be sometimes when you two can't be in person and that he can't fix everything every time, and that you don't expect him to.

Here are some resources for both of you:

Getting Out of a Funk: How to Help Yourself Through Depression

Tips for managing depression in relationships

Babylon: How Depression Can Affect Relationships

Self-care Wellness Toolkit

Worksheet for depression coping skills

How to talk to someone who has depression

How and Why to Practice Self-Care

How can I communicate with someone with depression?

Depression in relationships

How to Tell Someone You're Depressed

Helping Someone with Depression

The Impact Your Mental Health Can Have on Communication

PsychCentral: 10 Self Care Tips for When You Have Depression

Anna Freud: Self Care

What Not to Say or Do to Someone Who Has Depression

Coping with Depression

How to Talk to Your Partner About Your Depression

How Depression Affects My Ability to Communicate

Psychology Today: Why Self Care is Hard for Depressed Individuals

The Royal Australian & New Zealand College of Psychiatrists: Self-care for depression

6 Powerful and Effective Ways to Communicate Better in Relationships

5 Signs that Depression is Eroding Your Relationship

How to Talk about Depression with Family and Friends

Tips On Communicating With Those Who Have Depression

6 Dos and Don'ts for Supporting Someone Who Has Depression

22 Ways to Cope with Your Depression

NIH: Caring For Your Mental Health

Depression Self Help Guide

Mindfulness and Relaxation Techniques to Help with Depression Symptoms

Healthy Coping Skills for Depression, Anxiety, and Anger

Clear Minds Center: Tips for Communicating with Someone Who is Depressed

How Depression Effects Relationships and What You Can Do

What to Know About Dating Someone With Depression

Relationships and Communication

How to use mindfulness for depression

Depression in Relationships: When to Say Goodbye

-Mod BP

[iwannabeastarstarrockmann]

I DID IT!! I LEFT HER :)

I bought a plane ticket and flew for the first time (which was so fun and I got to sit by the window both times!) to be with my extended family who I don't know all that well but my grandma is here too and my grandpa is on his way, so I feel more comfortable since they practically raised me. it's been so fun this past week getting to know all of my cousins and aunt and uncle! there's so much to do here too! I've been hiking, biking, riding atvs, riding my aunts boat, attempting wakeboarding although failing miserably, shooting my uncles guns which was a rush!! and it turns out I'm a perfect shot lmao. and on top of all that, this family really likes to do stuff together which I'm not used to at all so I swear I've been getting invited to one thing after the other every day I've been here. there also happens to be a whole lot of positions open up right now in this area which is great because I was mostly worried about how I was going to find a job last minute.

my uncle and I seem to have a lot in common which is comforting. he also grew up in the desert with nothing to do and also had a crazy mom so were getting along very well. we seem to have a lot of similarities in other areas as well. he took me for a day to show me some of his favorite things to do and also show me what a day of work is like for him and put me to work for part of the day so that he could get a feel for what im skilled at. were surrounded by so much forest so he took me to some of his favorite spots close to a cabin he's been fixing up and we got to explore an abandoned mine shaft!!! OMG it was so cool! he also took me to a really nice cemetery near where he works and it was so beautiful and mystical and we saw a whole lot of deer all throughout it which just enhanced the whole experience. I'm having so much fun

I've never been so relaxed in my entire life. its sad to think that this way of living was always available to me lol. oh yeah, the coffee here is absolutely amazing! and there are so many options, its almost overwhelming. now that im able to be more active, I've fallen back into my coffee addiction to stay energized throughout the day lol.

id say the only con is that my aunt is a lot like my mom so sometimes it can be difficult to be around her but other than that, this is like heaven :))

obviously it's not perfect, as I'm still trying to cope with the guilt of leaving my mom and fighting the urge to cut or starve when my guilt gets to be too much but id rather this lingering feeling than the constant torture of living with my mom in a place with nothing to do and nowhere to go, you know?

plus side from all this trauma is that I've lost 14 pounds since I left her and that's just from all the hiking and walking I'm doing during my free time lol

I'm still in a calorie deficit most days but its not really that low compared to how I used to restrict.

I'd say right now the only thing that's really stressing me out is my need to constantly body check, its definitely gotten worse since I moved out here, and its because I really cant tell how others perceive me.

I'm also fighting with myself most days since I got here cause I keep catching myself saying things inside my head like "you dont deserve to eat", "dont be a fat pig", "no one will love you if you get fat", you know, the cliche signs that you are not completely recovered yet, but I think I'm also going to be starting my period soon and I often fall into a depressive state right before, and it often starts with self hatred and then fades halfway through my period.

anyway I've gotten way off track, obviously the move cant solve all of my problems but I am so happy right now despite my mental struggles and still cant believe that I'm lucky enough to be so easily accepted by a family who doesn't even really know me yet! I wouldn't have been able to escape if they weren't so welcoming from the very beginning.

[mariska]

tumblr buddies, hello!!! its been like two months since i've posted on here which is maybe one of the longest periods of time i've ever unintentionally gone on a posting hiatus on this blog ever in the 10+ years i've had it???? im super sorry if i've worried anyone with my unexplained absence; long story short i have been in literal fight-or-flight survival mode since pretty much right after my birthday at the start of May because of medication and healthcare and disability related issues so it's been very difficult for me to set aside even a few minutes to browse through my dashboard here or on instagram and stuff. i just wanted to make a post to let you all know that i'm [glados voice] Still Alive, and hopefully i'll be feeling more like my usual self soon, but at the moment i'm still very overwhelmed and burned out from life outside of the internet and my hobbies/internet communities etc so i might still be away from here a bit longer. i am surviving though!! not entirely sure how at this point but my god dude i sure am trying as much as i physically and mentally can 😭😭😭

also, in unrelated and much more positive brief news; if any of you are taking part in this year's "Art Fight" on the official website for it, i'm hoping to at least contribute some art for the first time and have slowly been uploading reference pics/info/etc about some of my ocs on my profile there if anyone is interested in that! my art fight username is MariskaO so if you look me up i should hopefully be on there, so far i only have pics/descriptions of my dungeons & dragons necromancer Sludge, but as soon as i have a few minutes to do so i'll be adding my oc Paige (the blonde one from the 60s/70s that i made as a teenager and hold very close 2 my heart forever lol 🩵) to my character page on there too. i'm on the Vampire team but i'm more interested in just making art in general than the point game system so if you have an art fight profile and want me to check it out and maybe make some art of an oc of yours let me know, i haven't had a chance to contribute any new art yet and i would absolutely love to start drawing stuff to give (or, attack/defend, is how i think its worded on the site) to anyone!!

ok thats all for now just wanted to check in and mostly let everyone know that i have not expired. that i am still runnin up that road runnin up that hill runnin up that building

[nonclassyparty]

THE FUCKING REALISATION SHE HAD ABT HER HAVING BEEN IN YEOSANGS PLACE TWO YEARS AGO BLEW MY MIND, I SHIT YOU NOT, I GOT UP AND HAD TO PULL OUT MY PENCIL AND A PIECE OF PAPER TO MAP OUT THIS SHIT TO VISUALISE IT BECAUSE MY MIND WAS TOO OVERWHELMED AHAJSKDJ

glad to see fellow oc apologists !! like y/n bb girl *i* understand you, how abt WE get married rn 💍🧎‍♀️

and i am baffled by how everyone, her included, are siding with wooyoung instead of mingi in this parallel situation (ik she hasnt forgiven woo or anything, im talking abt the *positions* of mingi and woo in the parallel) because even though what mingi did and said was shitty af and her feelings are valid especially towards mingi not mentioning the thing at all after all this time, i still think choosing to date and be on the side of the person who has said awful things about your BEST FRIEND and never apologised for any of it is more hurtful than anything.

ofc wooyoung falling for yeosang is totally valid and like she said, it hurts like hell but you can get over it because you want the best for your best friend. but the problem isnt just wooyoung not bringing it up, he feels shitty for doing this too, but to LIE and thus hurt her when she straight up asked abt it, knowing she’s been continuously hurt by her loved ones throughout her life and woo being her only piece of family rn is insaneeeee to me. like she aint just a casual friend of yours, THATS YOUR MFKING BEST FRIEND !!

but for me, all of that is *nothing* compared to him attacking her for being broken and acting on her feelings after finding all of this out on her own, instead of being on her side apologising and being there for her when her heart breaks. like bro, we are asking the BARE MINIMUM from you woo 😭 like i get it she doesnt like the person you are dating but now is NOT the time to be protective over your partner in this situation ?? or am i even more mentally ill than i thought for seeing this whole situation this way 😭😭 ?

akjfdkghfghdfghdkfghdf waittttttttttt

okay so what you said about how she's siding with wy as well thats TEA!!!! bc it is wrong, she knows its not right (obviously since she's the one in pain rn like she knows it sucks and that wy was a little shit for that) but theres still that envious little part of her that was like "damn i wish mingi fought that hard for ME" bc deep down she's not faulting mingi for not choosing her bc she understands, she understood then and she especially understands now but she's still resenting him for it especially now after seeing wooyoung (who is like HER PERSON) fight with her just to stay with ys. its just a very human thing to do, we all want to be that someone's first choice 😭

as for the whole attacking her ordeal, WELL...let's look at it from wy's perspective a little bit. he cares about ys a lot and ys is as vulnerable and delicate as she is maybe even more than her actually. so wy's first instinct was to protect him now HEAR ME OUT... wy was obviously aware that yn would be upset by this and he was scared that ys would get the brunt of it. and also imagine ys just standing there while yn rages at him while wy is just apologizing to her, that would suck for yeosang, your partner begging to be forgiven by the person currently hurling insults at you? 😭 so wy always wanted to avoid that, he wanted to tell her on his own time at his own pace but then it happened unexpectedly and everything just went out of his control. so the moment yn even tried to be nasty towards ys, wy had to stop it and he did it by being nasty to her instead and he def fucked up with that but its a tricky situation for all of them really because wooyoung cares about both of these people. yn is his best friend but yeosang is his boyfriend and it was hard to get out of it without one of them ending up hurt😭

[bloodsoaked-gown]

*hugs* if you want me to we can stay like this for as long as you need<3

im keeping that ask hidden lol i love that sm.. thanks to say that 🫂🫂🫂

i would love to be like this too (ah i wish i could yaar)

and about whats going, yeah i havent told anyone yet except 2 3 people privately, so imma shostly summarize here what happened if anyone wants to know- (you dont have to read if you dont want to its okay hehe nothing much)

my parents saw me chatting with people and they hate it for some reason, worse it was online, and a boy, and well yeah loads of abuse drama treatment im not going in detail, it was just very bad this time, and this is like the 6th or 7th time this is happening over this topic*talking to people* and its like every few months some shit happens and im abused tf out and yeah whatever, they want me to just study be something they want and die serving my inlaws bullshit as they have planned my life, and well this time things were very bad, i cant touch my phone or have any app on laptop my father checks it everyday, and a lot. anyways i have college as an only escape this time, till june the last exam i have for a proper chance to runaway in a good college yk, so yeah things arent the best

my mental health is at worst, physically im basically as good as diseased person, loads of pain and stuff, and yeah its hard to study and all, and today im just loosing my shit on this app cause im tired of dealing it inside myself hehe,

im sorry to dump everything here i tried to keep it as short and less bad? idk dont worry, im alive i will get out of here (my parents house) and be well someday, nothing that i cant deal with

and about deactivating its just overwhelming to me sometimes but that urge is stupid it dies every hour and revives weekly, im less active here anyways cause i need to study and focus as much i can there :D

and thanks a lot it actually means a lot to me, i love you and i love all the people who are there for me. its enough for me, nothing else you guys need to do for me

yeah i dont have much positive vibe rn but we will survive all of this as you said, it will be very worth <33

[nikomedes]

probably because ive recently followed a bunch of people younger than me, ive been thinking about how miserable and horrified with life i was at 23. my mom and i were homeless, living out of a vehicle, and while i’d gotten through college even after flunking out my freshman year, i didnt have a career lined up and had racked up a bunch of credit card debt to make ends meet. i was diagnosed but didnt have a pcp or money for meds. i’d gotten a retail job but it was destroying my body

im 28 now, turning 29 in december. im so excited. my 20s havent been very kind to me but im optimistic about my 30s

next year my partner and i will be buying a home where my mother will also live. our ability to do this has come down to sheer luck (me) and incredible financial management (partner). i don’t love my job but its stable, positioned me to get my mental and physical health better sorted, and i have the energy for hobbies. today i was so overwhelmed and exhausted with what was on my plate that i checked a few things off my list and called out sick. my boss and coworker met and redistributed stuff so i could focus on getting better, wishing me well. me and my partner had groceries delivered from costco and ive been enjoying a huge shepherds pie

all this to say i don’t mean to sound trite, but things do tend to get better as u get older. not always. some things get worse. and sometimes its just that u get used to the bad things and they don’t phase u as much— but thats such a nice feeling, honestly. having enough distance through life experience that not everything hits u like a truck. its nice to not always feel like roadkill. or like something mangled that wishes it were dead

im so excited to be turning 29 soon. and i wish every sad, lonely, dropout, weary, poor, homeless, troubled, ill, broken early 20s person a very “make it to 29” too

[stinkrascal]

While on the topic of relationships I wanted to ask something and I hope its not overstepping if so you can feel free to ignore this. Im a sufferer of chronic pain and I think there will be a point where I cannot work anymore. How did you go about expressing to your partner your unable to work and provide 50/50 and is he okay with it? I don’t know how to open up to my boyfriend because Im scared he will feel pressured or overwhelmed. Thank you for reading Jaiden!

hello anon! i was gonna answer this last night but i fell asleep aha, but you're not overstepping at all! i'll put this under a cut because it's pretty long

when we first discussed me not returning to the workforce, i basically just sat him down and told him my feelings about why i didn't think i can maintain a job. this was during covid, before the vaccines, so i still couldn't find work without significantly risking my health or his parents' health, since we still lived with his parents at the time, and his father is immunocompromised. i can't drive (i tried learning but it ended dangerously, that's all i'll say), so finding reliable transportation would be difficult. there's also the issue of our location, where at the time we lived in a rural town in bumfuck louisiana (we live in a city now, but still nothing compared to cities in bigger, more densely populated states) where job opportunities for me, someone with no education and no prior job experience, were sparse. and lastly of course i brought up my absolutely terrible mental health crisis, which he's witnessed firsthand, so he knew what i was talking about when i explained the deeper symptoms i'd been experiencing. i literally just made a list of all the cons and explained to him why i personally didn't find it viable, but still reassured him that i was open to finding work if we ever needed extra income, as well as reassuring him that i wouldn't be mad if he didn't agree with my reasoning, i simply wanted to put my thoughts out there so we could communicate our expectations. he is a very kind person though, so he understood exactly where i was coming from and we planned accordingly.

i also feel compelled to say that our circumstance is very unique in the modern day, as we had a lot of privileges a lot of people i know don't have. my partner attended college and received his bachelor's degree for free on account of his scholarships, so he has no debt, and neither do i. he works in a field where jobs are always in demand no matter where he goes, where the starting salary is very comfortable, and where growth is inevitable, and that combined with the fact that we live in louisiana which is a low cost of living state compared to many other states makes our decision a viable one. we also always had support from his parents, who have been nothing but kind and encouraging and have fully integrated me into their family. we're in a really privileged position to make this decision and i fully recognize that, and i understand that not everyone can make this decision because of various factors. so please don't take this as me trying to like "sell" this lifestyle or whatever, there's that weird trend online of the ~tradwife life~ and ~divine feminine~ and whatever, and i never want to seem like i'm shoveling that to my followers, it's just that the circumstances of our lives worked out in such a way where me not having to work became a reasonable option.

if you and your partner reasonably cannot live without two incomes, which is very common given how expensive it is to live, i would highly suggest discussing the possibility of you working less hours and contributing less financially, so maybe instead of working a full 40 hours a week you can take up part-time work, and pay for all the groceries/utilities while your partner handles the rent. instead of splitting 50/50, y'all can try something more like 40/60 or even 30/70 depending on your needs. try to emphasize the good this will do for your physical and mental wellbeing, and if it helps you like it helped me, i would make a structured list going through the pros and cons of your thought process! assuming you begin working less hours, i'd also recommend taking on more housework as a compromise, since you'll be working less. obviously you don't have to do all the housework since you're both still working and it's unfair to expect you to do all the housework while having a job and paying bills. honestly i don't work and my partner still helps with chores and he's responsible for his own laundry and cleaning his own office and stuff, so don't let your partner think you have to take on ALL the household labor while working part time. but still, try to level the division of labor by doing a few more chores, maybe doing the dishes more often, or cooking more often, or cleaning the shared spaces more often as a compromise, since you'll be working less than they are.

there's also a lot of remote work available nowadays! so if your chronic illness makes it difficult for you to work shift work, i would highly suggest finding something where you may work from home. one of my best friends works remote at a call center, where they provided the computer for him, he just had to find a way to pick it up himself, but otherwise he never has to leave his house for his job. there's plenty of jobs like that, so i would definitely try to find work like that if you not working isn't an option, but you want to find work that isn't so taxing on your body!!

sorry i rambled so much, apparently i had much more to say than i thought i did ahah. i really hope things work out for you anon, i'm sending you lots of love. take care of yourself <3

[blueberrydykez]

im very used to being called high functioning (bc my parents have called me high functioning my whole life) but i hadnt heard it in a long time and it just hit me again that like. they for real do not see or understand my autistic struggles in the slightest despite autism causing my intense social anxiety my eating disorder (arfid, specifically noted to be common with autism ) and emotional amplification (which, in turn, amplifies mental illness symptoms and thought distortions and emotional outbursts etc etc ) AND physical pain amplification which i suspect also makes me fatigued faster (or at least feeling it more intensely ) although that could also be the depression & eating disorder starving myself wombo combo . either way i get tired and stressed and overwhelmed and burnt out easily . but despite it all i guess i still seem perfectly high functioning . its really no wonder my mother thinks i can positive thinking my mental illness away if she assumes im just internalizing all my symptoms 😭

[eirian]

Just some general advice as I see your posts on occassion on my feed and your current breakdowns on your financials but my guy you should probably get a standard job along side your art.

I say this mostly in a place of I've been there done that sort of thing, I used art to support myself for years while also working a regular 9-5 and while eventually I discovered that doing art fulltime wasn't my thing I can't stress enough that not going forward and getting a regular job to support yourself and your wife when you know you are just barely making it (in your own words) is a borderline lazy thing to do.

Your financials are a major priorty and it shows a lack of character when you can't see that you need to make an effort in a different position. And as someone who also immensely struggles with mental illness also I can tell you that getting that regular 9-5 can help alot with your health. Like for one it can get you moving so minimal excersise is taken care of, possible better money flow and a break from the computer also helps with settling your thoughts. It can be stressful and exaughsting but having a concrete ground of what you're doing along side of art also may give you some piece of mind.

I implore you to just start looking for a regular job to take off some of the stress and it could defo help you loose weight to just from little things that you crowd out

Joint pain is avoided with excersise, breathing problems lifted with regular activity and a little stamina training

San antonio is a booming economic city there are a shit ton of jobs you can get and i know it can be overwhelming especially when mental illness can hold you back but in a loving sense you fr just need to pick yourself up by the bootstraps and get shit done or else you're always going to suffer man

i super appreciate this sentiment and im not going to get defensive like my initial reaction usually is to someone telling me to "get a real job" b/c i do see youre genuinely trying to help me out and give me advice so thank you

my problem honestly is that i dont see myself as fit to having a "job job" as i am right now. i feel like all im good at/able to do is art, and thats why i put all of my effort into that. basically i dont have enough confidence in my abilities outside of art :(

constant thoughts of "what if it makes me miserable? what if i do a horrible job b/c its not art?" and etc. yknow? i feel like i need to work on myself mentally a little still

like to be fair i have looked for in person jobs around san antonio, on MULTIPLE occasions. ive had a few interviews even. ive held a job for a couple months at an aquarium (granted it was art--caricatures) but that was a couple years ago and i was in a worse mental place than i am right now so it only lasted a couple months and i was like..miserable, even though i was doing art. everywhere else i had an interview just didnt want me bc of my lack of experience (which is stupid bc i was genuinely making an effort to get these jobs and how else am i supposed to get experience if not from Your Business like????? cmon. anyway)

a major problem even outside of myself is that, between my wife and i, we only have one car. i am planning to learn to drive genuinely and getting my own vehicle, but right now we only have one ride between us, and she has a full time job so she cant take care of driving me to my job all the time and i wouldnt want to put that on her anyway. so thats also an issue we run into when it comes to me having a job job

trust me i do on occasion look for "actual" jobs outside of my commissions. ive applied to a lot and nobody ever gets back to me or if they do they dont want me, which both very much hurt my confidence in getting a job outside of art but thats another issue i think. if i want to get a non-art job i think i'll be forced to try a work from home route like data entry again or something

again, i thank you for wanting to help and i appreciate it and apologize for basically responding with a bunch of excuses but i want you to understand my position as well u_u/ i dont post a lot (if..at all) about when i do non-art job searches bc i never feel like theyll work out and so far they havent but i honestly havent given up the idea, i do think about this a Lot, way more than i let on, and i do go back and forth searching for non-art jobs on occasion when things feel really rough. so its not something thats lost on me

[taegularities]

omg rid :(( i just saw ur vent. im so sorry. fights are tough, regardless of whos right and wrong, it just takes such a mental and emotional toll on a person (especially when its with someone you hold dear) stress not, things will work themselves out, just give it a bit of space and time.

as for the death anniversary, im sorry. death is such a strange thing in my eyes, the concept is so hard to grasp. how one moment a person can be present and with us and then the next they pass. its a hard, rough feeling, but it gets better with time. my grandma passed away years ago on mothers day, yet i still find myself grieving her yearly. and thats okay. in a way grieving someone is a way of keeping them alive in spirit. your thoughts and yearning for them clearly show the deepness of your bond with them. remember them in a positive manner, but dont be afraid to mourn. its human nature and holding it back will only hurt urself.

i promise you people would 100% notice your disappearance! when you were gone for 2 months we all noticed. we also missed you like crazy! ik the mixed emotions of mourning and the stress of the fight probably is making you feel overwhelmed, but i promise you, you are loved greatly. you fight with those you are closest to.

sending you loads of love and support! please take care of yourself rid 🫶

-wife from war anon 💂‍♀️

hey, my love <3 yeah, the fight was stupid and it will probably stop mattering very soon; those things hurt, but thankfully pass...

and i know, you're so right. it took me so long last year to actually understand the concept of death, and how it's ridiculous that it can happen so fast? i still know that the last time we spoke, it was when he texted me on my birthday, told me to never change for anyone, and half a month later? idk, it felt like an unfunny joke. i am so sorry about your grandma, baby, as you said, it's absolutely natural to grieve, and i'm so glad you do so. that you allow yourself to mourn. and i'm proud of you for that <3

ugh the last bit, you're honestly the kindest. it really is overwhelming, so i guess it's just me overthinking? i'm still so so grateful for how you all sent love when i was gone and when i came back. i truly do not take anyone's love on here for granted, i promise promise. and i love you back just as much <333