#but its so archival …. i feel like ive just changed so much and so many moots have changed blogs and the community has changed a lot a lot

[lovingnekoma]

i love this blog so so much but i simply don’t know if im fandom-centric enough to continue it

[shatteredfears-arch]

tumb/lrs so broken that some posts it wont let me use legacy and others it wont let me use beta so i have to hop between them for random shiz and then legacy keeps getting glitched out to double replies for some reason and then it doesnt actually tell you what editor the mobile app has. like is it legacy? is it beta? is it its own thing bc for a company w less than 200 employees they put too much work on their backs that they cant finish and i hope they stop breathe take a minute and reflect on how maybe changing things suddenly without testing them w audiences first and LISTENING to their reactions is a bad idea? will their most recent only good idea be the double checkmarks bc thats a good way to earn money to keep this website alive bc they cant anymore if theyre not funded purely bc they saw the opportunity to diss a fuckhead and took it doubled it and made it hilarious and stalkable? will the employees ever have rest considering they clearly dont have an actual CS department anymore? we just dont know

[robotnuts]

are there any rvb fics you still think about all the time? like i dont think a week goes by without thinking abt qed and how it def changed me on a molecular level, do you have any fics like that?

oooh good question. the most important fic is at the bottom of this post so just scroll to the final paragraph if you only want one, true recommendation of the only rvb fic that really matters.

QED is fantastic though its more of @shotgunslap's thing than mine. the partner to that is also obviously QoQ, the only rvb fic ive been able to make almost all my friends read. i think about the south/north characterization every day of my life. caboose and carolina mean so much to me, etc etc. thats a pretty easy pick though so im cracking into my ao3 bookmarks to look for more niche picks.

i know there was actually a lot of rvb fic that was just posted to tumblr that i think ive gone back and tried to reblog at some points but i never organized it, i should have archived it, people who wrote good femslash and rvb women liked to just post it under a readmore on their tumblrlog and you have to go digging through decades old tags to find it now

okay. the big one i actually do still think about all the time forever and ever is saltsanford's stuff about epsilon/wash's relationship. this is the big one i still think about that centers on their backstory, but also, put my guns in the ground, which is one of the Big fandom tuckington longfics, also has such good washpilon stuff in it and they're so fucking juicy. when tucker asks wash how many times he's broken his ribs and he says four and epsilon says "actually it was five" before realizing How Bad of a Move that would be. Hello? Hello?????? i want them to be forced to reimplant and have weird mind brain trauma sex SO BAD sorry im normal. this is another one that takes place during/after the chorus era

on the spectrum of fics that i actually dont yet feel ashamed reccomending, primtheamazing, who wrote QoQ, also wrote some other good stuff. i am a HUGE fan of this fusion fic, the punchline to the tucker/caboose fusion is HYSTERICAL. this one where grif forgets who simmons is due to temple shennanigans and flirts with him is also very like. trope-y but i like that shit so this goes here too

ok. now onto the stuff that it is actively embarrassing for me to be recommending. but. prim's logrimmons fic is hysterical and was the stepping stone to creating the lolixgrimmons mind palaces with my friends so its worth it just for that. but also its really fucking funny. so is the one where locus has to listen to them have sex and gets himself caught

the truly embarrassing one for me to have here is the piece of softboy grimmons content i participate in. sadly i do enjoy s15 content sometimes for the softboy grif sensitive emotions exploration i will admit to being a hypocrite there and i really liked that one and reread it frequently (just realized this is written by the QED person so! you might already know of it)

and then finally. the most important red vs blue fanfiction of all time, guns are for shooting. it has it all. sarge. washington. sarge again. kismesisitude. grif and simmons acting like rosencrantz and guildenstern (are dead). locus being invisible and getting caught by lopez with a bag of flour. it's written by the person who wrote QED. You want to read it right now. Read it right now. READ IT RIGHT N

wait no the cute bit about sarge declaring war on gravity and upending a bag of flour onto lopez isnt in guns for shooting. what fic is that from

[taeiun]

TAEIUN UPDATE (05/07/24)

hello everyone!! im not sure how many of you still keep up with this blog and i am so sorry for being inactive for so long (a full month sheesh…) and for not posting anything for longer than that! i have a couple updates, some good some bad, and a few changes i want to make to this blog.

TL;DR: canceling the beomgyu smau + possible future redo, temporary archive of this blog, future works planned.

O1. from the lack of of updates and the low interactions ive gotten, i think you guys can already guess that the beomgyu smau i posted back in march was going to be terminated at some point. it’s not that ive lost full interest in the plot. im just unhappy woth the setup and also dont have things flushed out to where i think an smau would work as a format. i do hope to publish it again some time in the future but for now, that post will be taken down.

O2. again, based off my inactivity i dont think it’s much of a surprise for me to say im going to be temporarily archiving this blog. that doesnt mean im never coming back! its just that right now i dont know how long it’ll be before i get back into a consistent writing schedule again. think of it just as an extended hiatus; the main difference is that im calling it an archive in case i dont come back at all. ofc ill announce if im going for good but this is just in case.

O3. i dont think i’ll be gone for good (knock on wood) so while i stay kind of inactive, there a few things im changing up here.

declutterring: going to be deleting spam posts and tidying up my blog to make the viewing experience more pleasurable!! i have a second blog where i ramble and shit post so i dont need this one for it.

reposts of old works: i dont have the time as of now to be working on brand new shiny content, so i hope people dont mind me possibly reposting a couple of my fave older stuff from my previous blog.

O4. i am crafting new things! they just wont be out for a while. a few things on my mind are:

zb1 apocalypse au: i have standalone fics for all the members and i hope to get this done at least before calling it quits. taerae my boy…

a couple different possible supernatural!skz smau mini series: little bit on the fence with these ones bc im not fully into skz (despite saying i write for them lol) so im not sure how much passion i can put into this project. if not the mini series, then i’ll be working on a minho fic within that au instead!

i think that about sums up where this blog is going. in general ive been good. busy with school and idea of uni but good-ish. ive been enjoying life for itself and got closer with one of my irls which has been so nice :DD im also facing a bit of a writer’s slump bc of the mental switch from a heavy math and science academics semester to an only analytical and writing semester. honestly, i really do want to keep this blog around. its just hard when my interest in kpop as a whole has dwindled down so fast? like its crazy how quickly i kind of got over this phase ngl- but yeah! thats it for me <33

thanks for sticking to the end of this if you did! no hard feelings if you didnt. its funny i say that bc they wouldnt be able to see this if they didnt but oh well. that’s all from me for today!!

— ur fave, sol / jun.

[bunglegaydogs]

ramble ramble ramble

my eyes are stinging and ive got an agonising headache rn but I'm so bored and I want to ramble ramble ramble rn

not even about bsd (3AM NOT CLICKBAIT GONE WRONG GONE SEXUAL) surprisingly enough

(pls dont actually read this this is purely just me yapping LMAOOO)

just about ao3, fanfic culture, and wattpad really

i just need my thoughts OUT of me before I lose my mind

whats getting on my FUCKING NERVES RECENTLY is the sudden migration of wattpad writers to ao3 - this sounds SO BADDD let me explain

i am gladly welcoming the people who are willing to learn the new aspect and format of ao3 and who are actively trying out the website and adjusting themselves to it! in no stretch of the imagination should these people be shunned away from the site just because they're from wattpad

HOWEVER

the issue lies with the people who come onto ao3 and actively slander other writers/creators who have been using this site far longer than they have, simply because they don't understand the rules and basic etiquette of the website they're invading and trying to take over

not only is it just disrespectful to shit all over a community that has been built on the very thing they're all losing their shit over, but its then creating a negative space on ao3 where a lot of people wont want to write for fear of people like that, or at the very least will make people want to hide their works more to keep it away from the prying eyes of those fucking VULTURES

its the people who just shit all over authors and slander them in their very own comment section where they should feel PRIDE AND JOY at their readers commenting nice and pleasant things about the story they read. not being told to kill themselves or to never write again or receive death threats

ik this is such a bullshit little post but its actually been weighing so heavily on my mind as of late because I've just seen an influx of these hateful people spawn in out of fucking nowhere

i dont know whats happened with wattpad exactly, all I know is that something major was changed and it caused a lot of people to migrate

and thats perfectly okay - if youre going to be respectful and follow the rules of the site you're moving to

these people are so spoon fed on wattpad that they cant fathom the idea of actually searching for the fic themselves - they need to rely on an algorithm so that they don't have to look or think for themselves, really

not only that, but these people come onto the site, knowing exactly what it is (an archive for ANY and ALL type of fanwork, and pretty much anything that is legally allowed is allowed - gore, incest, pedophilia, rape, etc. ik we all know this but yk lol) yet they decide to try and censor these fanworks simply because they don't like it, without knowing the one golden rule - DONT LIKE DONT READ

again this yap makes no sense but imma keep yapping

a post i saw on reddit the other day that stressed me out was somebody complaining about age gaps.

the age gap was legal (Even if it wasn't, don't like don't read)

and they called the older person a pedophile...???

i just dont understand - its fanfiction. FAN. FICTION.

just because somebody writes something does not mean that they endorse that in real life. i write about some heavy and dark shit - half of it I don't agree with. writing is an art form, a way to express feelings and thoughts that are personal to you. even if they're not personal to you, its FAKE. it ISNT REAL. and yet these people cant find anything better to do with their time other than shit on other creators for being pedos or rapists. HUHHHH?

genuinely baffles me

another point that was raised in the comments of that post was people who shit on pairings where someone is really small compared to the other person because it's "child-coded"

GIRLIE WHATTTTT

sorry, brb, gonna go tell all my friends that they're pedophiles for being friends with me bc I'm too small

it BAFFLESS ME MANNN

i have so many more coherent thoughts on this but rn they're jumbled and discombobulated and Im actually on the verge of passing out so gn

[sweetdreamscafe]

The part where I talk about missingno a bunch

ive been waiting to be able to do this hah!!!

first up, its voice in the video: the voice is from THIS TTS, overlaid with my voice whispering. The original idea in my head for its voice was 'Oracle' from an Analog Horror whose name I can't remember, or for the voice to sound like the IMB704; That's the computer that sung Daisy Bell, which is part of why that song plays in the background of the video!! The important thing is I wanted its voice to be robotic, and the best way to do that was with a TTS. I believe the one i used was a proper TTS and not an 'Ai copy of someone's voice done without consent' thing, which was also important for me not to do. Both because of, y'know, ethics, and because those voices try to sound as un-robotic as possible.

Next up!! the design!!!

This is a breakdown of which parts came from where. many people have also aptly pointed out the gaster inspo, which, yeah. true. I would've changed Moderator to look less like gaster but I liked it looking humanoid; helped it feel bizarrely out of place imo. So its main form stayed gaster-like. It will likely receive alternate, less gaster-like forms in the future.

The monochrome Pokemon forms are based on the (supposed) XY glitch of, well, exactly that. The Pikachu has a black tipped tail as reference to that one mandela effect, and the reason for there being a Magnemite form is to reference a different Red/Blue glitch Pokemon (there's a few glitch 'mons that appear as Magnemite, actually.) The Jirachi form's notes are shaped like little Missingnos.

Next!! something a little special relating to the puzzle! if you don't want puzzle spoilers, don't worry too much.

What would naturally be the second or third page you find has text that has changed! this text currently references the new year, but previously, it referred to winter. It doesn't provide any kind of hints or anything now, so nothing new, but I've put up an archive page of that version of the text just for a little bit of character building for Moderator :)

This next bit is a bit of spoilers for that puzzle;

the tag 'm essage failed to send' was hinting at two of the pages names! the first page, which you can also find linked somewhere else on the blog is 'messagefailedtosend'. the second one, which links off of the messagefailedtosend page is 'm', short for Moderator.

and last little funfact!! moderator!! was not supposed to be an important character!! it was supposed to be a one off! and then i realized it filled in some gaps nicely so i had it replace a role that was going to be played by another pokemon!! which is. part of the reason it looked like gaster. Didn't matter when I designed it because it wasn't an important character. but then it became one and Aw Heck Im attached to this design now. unfortunate!

[jeromefart]

ok so update, i just found zee and went back to pyloons saloon. i havent gotten very far but i just have so many things to say!!!!

ok so i dont know if i already mentioned this but i loveee the customization. its so in depth and i really like that you unlock small paint collections with a couple different colors/materials. and from there you can change every individual part and choose how polished they are, then you can change the ware overall. i love the vibrant coruscant color set so first, i made a silvery lightsaber with purple and pink accents with a purple blade. and same thing for bd-1. right now, i unlocked some more orangy colors so right now i have a brownish-orange saber with vibrant orange accents and an orange blade. might fuck around with it some more. and i am loving the tactical jacket that has a CAPEE. my boy is so stylish. i made his undershirt the scrapper one (because it has rolled up sleeves and only one glove) in blue. i cant wait to unlock more things and continue to play with customization. only thing is that i WISH you could save designs you make. maybe you can and i havent unlocked it yet (praying)

i really like the upgrades to the camera feature. i didnt mess with it a whole lot in fallen order but i really like how much more in depth it is. heres a picture i took

i really appreciate how much attention to detail there is. the decoration around the saloon is very nice and it feels very homey there.

also i need to mention that the subtle nods to jokes are so good. greez’s salt shaker, cal’s ponchos, THE LITERAL LIVE SLUG REACTION CREATURE (not the same one but you know.). also i must mention that the bathroom in the saloon is really cool? (and i laughed so hard when cal removed that thing from the toilet). ive never seen a star wars bathroom, except the one in disney land 😭 it was so dirty and ugly in there and it STUNK so bad and there were like 30 people in it. also the sinks were really weird and it took me a hot minute to figure out how to activate the sensor lmao

okay characters. mosey? she is so hot im gonna die. i like doma’s design. OKAY ZEE? i will die for zee. i love her so much shes the best droid ever. i love my high republic era droid and will protect her from all harm.

this game really is an upgrade in all categories. especially in cutscenes and story, it just feels much more polished and smooth. the cutscene after cal woke up was a particularly emotional one, what with the first real dig we’ve seen into cal’s emotions. we see him acting rash and emotionally, getting angry. its so interesting to see how he’s changed. and to see the rift between him and cere especially. he’s clearly avoiding it and i haven’t seen much yet, but im guessing that theyve gotten into more disagreements about how jedi should act. cere is very traditional in a lot of ways, where cal is doing what he needs to survive. from the trailers, it looks like cere’s trying to build up the jedi archives again, where cal is working with saw gurera or however you spell his name and trying to hit the empire where it hurts. cal is a man of action and that can’t be reasoned with. its just how he grew up. with the jedi order gone and him having to fend for himself and protect his identity from the ripe age of 10, he’s definitely not going to be a traditional jedi like cere, who became a master with her own padawan before it fell. she’s had more teaching and learned more lessons and overall taken away more than cal. he can’t just settle down. that’s not who he is. he needs to fight back and help others. he’s active and cere seems more passive. so anyway im excited to see where this goes.

thats about it i just wanted to sit and write my thoughts before i play too much and forget these things over more important things i’ll see later on.

[unlimitedtrees]

a build from mid 2015 of my old game 'Mr. Waffle Lover', and why everyone should archive their work

hello. this is gonna be a quick little post to talk about something. as you might already know. i've been making games since 2014. one of my Very First projects was a game called 'Mr. Waffle Lover'. i have a Lot to talk about it, but i want to save that for later. For now, i have something else i need to talk about.

So. this project was/is pretty important to me. it was one of the first things i made Ever, before i was even called 'Unlimited Trees' and before i was involved in Any online communities. i was learning A Lot from making it... a lot of the stuff i did for it is Unrecognizable from my current work.. and i havent made anything like it since. it means a lot to me, at least now.

Back Then, However... i did not treasure my work as i did now. You See, this game went through TONS of iterations. from 2014 to 2017, this game went through many changes across Multiple different project files, all with different assets and programming. during the early days, when i gave up on one iteration of the project, i would simply Delete the old files off my computer. And Then, at the beginning of 2016 when i changed my username to 'Unlimited Trees', i deleted ALL of my old work.

TONS of old games ive made were lost. some of the Very First works ive done Ever are completely missing. years of work went down the drain because i wanted to move on from my old work. But as time passed.. i became more fond of my old work, but realized that i could Never see any of it again. and since i never shared any of it to anyone outside of a few old friends (who i dont even have contact with anymore), there was no way i could get any of it back.

But. about over a year ago or so, i went through my old laptop and was able to find a bunch of old files with quite a few of my old games... some of these files werent the latest builds of these games so there was still a lot missing, but i was So Glad i found them... i have So Much i want to share and talk about and im happy i can share at least a little bit of the work ive done alone for years. even if no one cares about some dumb old games, im at least happy i dont have to worry about losing them again..

ANYWAYS. about this build of 'Mr. Waffle Lover'. it is the fourth iteration of the game. it has ideas which no other iteration has done (mainly the 'TNT' jumps). it has art and levels which i kind of like compared to the other early iterations. and it actually Plays Kind of Good , even if it is a little janky and basic. unlike most versions of the game, i actually remember sending builds of this to old friends, but i dont know if they ever played it or even still have it (i doubt they do Lol).

there's a lot more i could probably say about this, but i dont have the energy right now and will probably talk about it later in another post about 'Mr. Waffle Lover'. i have a Lot to share about it... just now is not the time. the video i posted speaks for itself, i think. its just a simple platformer with a basic OC. theres some stuff that wasnt shown in the video, such as an unfinished boss fight. but aside from that, thats all there is to see.

anyways, the point of this post is that i want to encourage more people to archive their work and not do what i did and delete all your stuff. even if in the moment you dont think your stuff is important.. you should at least keep your stuff saved in case you ever want to look back at it. Especially if youve been making things for Years... you might want to see just how much youve grown.. thats how i feel anyways. i am still missing a ton of work that ive made.. and ive since tried to archive everything i make. ive been making games for 8 years, and i put a Lot of time into the stuff ive made.. i never want to throw out any of my work again.

thats all i have to say for now i think. By The Way, the source code for this build of the game can be found here. just in case u want to give it a look. And By The Way, it's in my pinned post, but i have a few google drive folders full of All of my old projects, including everything i have from Waffle Lover (or 'Project Waffle', as it's called). i plan on moving more stuff onto github and making more posts about it.. but for now u can look thru it if u like

[metalgonemeta]

MAJORLY LONG POST IM SO SORRY

This whole post is a comparison of Isane-the-shiny, aka my older version of this blog, to its resurrection MetalGoneMeta

First things first, im sending development for this blog into motion. And although everyone who saw and i interacted with under the Isane-the-shiny/-and-muses usernames are now 2 years+ inactive and/or archived, i feel its best to put up the similarities and differences between then and now both for their sake should it be of interest as well as to give myself a blueprint for resurrecting under Metalgonemeta.

Isane-the-Shiny/-and-muses (2018?)

ItS was a Non-Selective, Independent, Pokémon/Metang OC Roleplaying blog

While I ran ItS (and later IaM) I was very VERY new to Tumblr RP and didnt know what anything meant besides a blog being Selective or not. And if you even had Semi-Selective in your bio, I posted the Same. Damn. CopyNPaste Ask of basically:

THIS GD ASK HAS PLAGUED MANY A USERS INBOX, and yknow how i said i didnt know the terminology of RPBlogs? That included those who had “Mutuals Only” as a rule of their blog.

To those whos blogs i did invade, I do apologize. I will say that i have improved since then.

(Also SHOUTOUT TO THOSE WHO ACTUALLY RESPONDED DESPITE THEIR OWN RULES /pos Istg i look back on this Invading copy and paste ask with HEAVY cringe, but I also remember feeling so ballistically happy seeing the “X answered your ask” notification. I hope all is well for you ^^)

Back to this list of how things were, pretty much said above but to put it shorter and more organized, Back when i ran IsT/IaM i was very Invasive and i was unaware of boundaries. And this was mostly due to it being back when i was about 14-15. (Im an Adult now dw ^^”)

Lastly and pretty much the only last changes and differences… Isane, the Metang OC of this blog, Is getting a name change and Overhaul. This is primarily for finding purposes ig? Basically, There is a character from a different fandom i follow, Bleach, with a character of the same name. (If anything i legit just stole the name cuz i liked Isane lmao). I do not have a new name decided *yet, but am actively searching so i can get it set in stone for the blog. And in terms of the actual overhaul, im going to look into updating, aka giving, her lore as well as (likely the only thing anyone i interacted with gave a shit about if at all) a redesign. Whether im going to turn her into a default blue and silver metang, or my Orrian Metang design is also still to be decided (you can find said design here )

Metalgonemeta (2023 onward)

Now all the big stuff i will admit is under the previous section by accident and ive noticed this post is getting pretty lengthy so ill try to keep this section short and to the point.

MGM is likely going to be identical to ItS in the fact it will still be an Indie NonSelective Blog. Though if i wanted to label every applicable term i found to give a better idea of what itll be: Indie, Pokemon/Metang OC, Based on Canon events that happened in both the mainline pokemon games as well as Pokemon Colosseum/GoD:XD, though will likely focus mainly on Unova B2W2* in writings.

Now i will say, factually in my stance, i should NOT go around peoples inboxes all wild andlikely childish. Even if i didnt make the other person uncomfortable, there were cases where i did make some uncomfortable… likely those who had stated mutuals only and yet here i was, a complete stranger banging on the ask box. Im probably going to just stick with those who interact with me first because of this and keep me going into inboxes at a minimal (i.e posted staters, prompts, etc.)

Kinda to keep parallel with the previous section, in terms of age rating im thinking ill have this blog be 18+. Not because of any mature material (if anything this blogs gonna be pretty sfw since its a gd METANG) but to avoid any uncomfortable complications regarding me, an 18y/o adult interacting with teens/minors of any age tumblr allows (I dont know what to even think of this cuz i just turned 18 not too long ago so from what ive heard i shouldnt have to worry about this type of stuff in the way say a 24y/o should), im just deciding in the hopes to just avoid any complications just keep the 18y/o me in the 18+ audience.

And that about wraps up all there is in terms of blog comparisons.. this was mostly focused on the blog technichalities and i will look into setting up a accessable Rules and About page when i get everything set up and can move onto a theme.

Im sorry this was so long but i felt it was best to post this now while everything i want to do is still fresh in my mind.

Thank you for reading through,

—Tamer

[poptod]

Hiya, can u do a ahkmenrah x reader request where the reader is ill and ahk is ofc panicking but trying his hardest to help you, thank u <33 n can it be at the museum

notes: thanks for requesting! ive done similar stuff so i decided to change it up a little, still follows the prompt tho. hope you like it!

warnings: cancer. WC: 1.3k

+

You hadn't spoken since the news. Voices of doctors and relatives faded out as your vision zeroed onto nothing, willing yourself into an abyss of silence. There were options, of course––they said something about chemical treatments, healing mushrooms to help you along, CBD oil and lotion to soothe the soon-to-come, overbearing pain. And, of course, the reminder that new treatments were coming out every day.

Archivers in museums didn't get paid much; that meant that, unfortunately, you couldn't really afford much more than basic, more dangerous treatments. A pit inside you whispered it was pointless, that death was closer than you thought. Still, you returned to your place of work in the evening, your feet dragging along the floor as you stared blankly forward, automatically unlocking and locking the door without thinking.

Moving like sludge through muscle memory.

You stood in the middle of the room, crowded by people––exhibits, at least––who didn't know your ailment, or the words of the doctor that still rung in your ears…

"Stage 4," he'd said, but you didn't hear the words surrounding that piece of information. Actually, the ongoings of yesterday were lost to you, absorbed by only a few words and blank stares.

"(Y/N)?"

The darkness on the edge of your eyes began to fade.

"(Y/N), are you alright?"

Ahk was standing in front of you, his hand on our shoulder as he attempted to meet your wandering eye.

"Oh, uh, yeah, I'm okay," you mumbled, unable to look at his face.

Despite your words, it was clear to anyone who saw you that you were not in fact alright, and Ahk frowned, wishing you would speak the truth.

"Let's go somewhere quieter," he suggested, and led you up the stairs to the marine exhibits.

Dark blue light rippled around you, the sound of bubbles and swishing water the only accompaniment to your quiet walk. Ahkmenrah stood as always at your side, matching your crawling pace, and pausing with you to stare at the massive tanks.

Still, you didn't speak, and Ahk was forced to coerce you into giving up whatever was bothering you.

"What happened?" He asked, standing in front of you to keep you from walking. You had your arms crossed, and your shoulders pulled up tightly.

"I went to the doctors," you said with clear discomfort.

Ahk nodded––you told him what a doctor was a few months ago by now.

"It's cancer," you said as you sucked in a sharp breath, nodding shakily. "I don't expect you to know what it is, but.. it isn't good."

"You'll be alright though, won't you?" He asked, his brow knotted tight. "You people have so many different medicines than we ever had access to."

"We don't have all the answers," you said softly.

"Then... what will you do?"

He stepped closer to you, sharing his warmth with your dull, ashen skin. But his question––despite its relevance––left you spinning, staring out past his shoulder as your expression fell into further disrepair.

"... nothing," you finally breathed out.

Answers and possible outcomes were swirling around your waking and sleeping consciousness for hours on end, without pause or rest. The price of treatment, the methods, and how you would continue to live after chemotherapy, if you even lived at all. You could kill yourself slowly in two different ways––by cancer and by chemotherapy, or you could die a more natural death with sickness like black ink stretching over your organs just as a spider weaves massive webs.

"Nothing??" He hissed. "You can't do nothing, have you lost your mind?!"

"I can't really afford the treatment, Ahk," you whispered, as tears who had been building for hours finally fell over flushed cheeks. "And if I do get it, I'm never going to be the same after. And that's if I live. Even if I get it, the doctor said it's not likely it'll help in time."

His hands pulled your face in, the bottom of his palms on your jaw and his fingers stretching out behind your neck to pull you in.

"I can't let you die," he said, his voice breaking.

You stared at him with weary eyes, dragged down by the dark circles beneath them. There was little else you could think to say to him, so you leant forward on shaky toes, and pecked his forehead in a kiss that was barely ever there.

"I'll think about it," you mumbled, and left.

For weeks you kept coming to work faithfully, only calling in sick when the chemotherapy side-effects left you bruised and exhausted. Your hair was already falling out, but Ahk insisted he didn't mind, and you believed him––in ancient Egypt, it was customary to shave your head for religions undertakings.

Each evening when you entered the museum, Ahk would come greet you and take you to the pillows and blankets he piled up in the marine exhibits, allowing you the comfort of soft light and whale calls while he prepared a tea for you. He wouldn't tell you what it was, but you could tell it was some sort of ground root you assumed was a healing tactic from ancient Egypt. While you were sipping at the warm concoction, he massaged the aching muscles, and applied an ointment Larry had gotten for his arthritis.

Sometimes he would tell you stories––only if you asked, of course, but you enjoyed the gentle rumble of the Pharaoh's voice, and the magic happenings within his tales. Rueful Gods and Goddesses littered the stories, within vivid imagery he piece together in your failing mind.

"Ahk," you murmured on one of those harder days that, for some reason (Ahk), you returned to the museum.

He stopped mid-story, turning expectantly to you. You raised your arms to him.

"Come here," you said, and he obeyed, gingerly sliding himself down next to you in the makeshift bed.

"Are you feeling alright?" He asked, his nose brushing yours.

"No," you chuckled with a weak smile.

You fell asleep within a minute, passing out in Ahkmenrah's embrace holding you tight to his chest. When your breathing settled into a slower in and out, tears welled in his eyes, falling upon your shared pillow as his shoulders began to shake. His thumb gently rubbed your cheek, relishing in little touches and gestures.

Memorizing. Just in case.

He took care of you, as much as he could within his own death, and continued to warm your tea, make sure you were eating, and comfort you with various medicines and stories. Curled up in the blanket nest, you did your best to smile whenever you met his eye.

And then one day, you didn't come to the museum. Ahk caught McPhee saying something to Larry; something about you, and something along the lines of 'they didn't call in sick'. Larry took a visibly deep breath, speaking in hushed tones Ahk couldn't hear from his distance.

You didn't come the next day, either, nor for the entirety of the week. In attempts to find answers Ahk grilled Larry for what had happened, but he didn't know, as you were an intensely private person who only gave their number to their employer.

But you never came again, and Ahk could feel himself slipping, the image of you in his head already blurry and unclear. He tried to remember your warmth, the softness of your skin, and your breath on his bare chest, and at times he could feel your weight still on him. It only made him yearn all the more, reaching and almost feeling something that no longer existed. Lain on his chest and too far to reach.

He learned that silence is an answer in the most hellish way possible.

[garne--tt]

x japan iceberg explained;

before i start, i probably didnt explain something right and if u want to correct me or add something, feel free and even dm me about it! + i will add trigger warnings for possible triggering content in this post

1.

formed in 1982 - x was formed in 1982 after toshis and yoshikis previous band disbanded

X --> X JAPAN - they changed their name from X to X JAPAN in 1992 in order to distinguish themselves from the american punk rock band X 

Saw IV - a horror movie from 2007, x japan did a theme song I.V. for the movie, it was their first song released since 1998

new album - an new x japan album that was supposed to be released lots of times over the 10+years but still (to this day) wasnt released

coachella 2018 - x japan performed at coachella 2018, many fans are saying how the sound was bad (usually blaming it on the sound production team?? or whatever its called) and apparently sugizo and yoshiki were seen arguing with the sound production team

we are x - a 2016 documentary about x japan (or rather yoshiki, because apparently it was mainly focusing on him)

psychidelic violence crime of visual shock - a slogan, mainly seen on the blue blood album cover, the term visual kei was derived from the slogan yoshiki, toshi, hide, pata, taiji - the most known lineup, from 1987 to 1992

2. tw// suicide mention

violet uk - one of unfinished yoshikis projects, started in 2002, didnt even debut but was supposed to in 2012

V2 - unit of yoshiki and tetsuya komuro, was active in 1992, they released one single and did one concert

ra:in - patas band, active since 2002, members are - pata, michiaki, die (also former member of spread beaver), ryu

noise/dynamite - toshis and yoshikis first band, formed in 1977 as dynamite, then they changed the name to noise, noise disbanded in 1982

s.k.i.n. - superband (group) of yoshiki, gackt, miyavi and sugizo, their only activity was in 2007 and it was live, they announced more activities but they were stopped

xfreaks - an international xjapan fan forum created in 2006

dope headz - band that had heath and pata as members, active from 2000 to 2003

hide with spread beaver - hides live band, other members were kiyoshi, k.a.z, hiroshi watanabe, satoshi miyawaki, d.i.e, i.n.a

zilch - supergroup formed by hide in 1996, other members were ray mcveigh,paul raven, joey castillo and i.n.a

lynx - one of heaths band, active from 2004-?, the vocalist for this band was issay from der zibet

yokosuka saver tiger - hides former band, he was member from 1981 to 1986 sugizo - luna sea guitarist, he joined x japan in 2008

hides death - hide committed suicide in 1998 (he hanged himself) update: this is what authorities said and what is official

3. tw// suicide

taijis death - in 2011 taiji was flying from japan to saipan, on the flight he got into fight with his manager (or flight attendant?), he was arrested after they landed in saipan and then he hanged himself with bedsheet in his cell

x japan translations - an site that had xjapan translations (like toshis book etc...), the site was active and up until 2018

taijis departure from X - taiji left X in 1992, but we dont know the exact reason why he left

toshi was in cult - toshi was member of cult known as home of heart from the late 90s (1998?)

1997 - the year x japan disbanded

yoshiki and queen elizabeth incident - in 2019 during royal windsor cup yoshikis scarf accidentally landed on queen elizabeth

yoshiki knows everyone - (not everyone ofc) but he met a lot of celebrities, politicians (barrack obama, johnny depp, prince phillip, bts etc,,)

art of life - a 29 minute song released released in 1993, it was was recorded only in english, the theme of the song are yoshikis suicidal tendencies, art of life was meant to be released in the jealousy album (1991)

yoshikis father - yoshikis father committed suicide when yoshiki was 10 years old

taijis cut off joint on finger - taiji when he was kid, showed his hand into a factory machine (his family owned factory) and cut off his first joint on his finger

yoshikis health problems - yoshiki has tons of health problem since he was child (asthma, he was always sick and spent most of the time in hospitals etc,,) and suffers from many of health problems even now

4.

toshis healing music - toshis music he made during the home of heart era

kaori moritani & masaya - kaori moritani is toshis ex wife, they met in around 1993 when they played in rock opera hamlet, they got married in 1997 and divorced in 2010, she introduced him to masaya (and got him, or rather manipulated him, into home of heart) 

masaya -  real name tōru kurabuchi - musician and leader of home of heart

-more about home of heart and the whole situation here: https://bloodydesertrose.tumblr.com/post/96662764536/support-toshi-dont-buy-or-listen-to-any-of-his-songs

debut in usa - x japan was supposed to debut in usa in the 90s (and even changed their name because of it, x-->xjapan)

extasy record - label formed by yoshiki in 1986, the first release under extasy records was x orgasm ep, the label had bands like xjapan, luna sea, glay, zi:kill tokyo yankees and more

yoshiki paid for taijis new teeth - after hides funeral yoshiki noticed that taijis some teeth were missing or chipped, so he handed him around 2 million yen (around 18 497 usd) to get his teeth fixed

l.o.x. - punk rock supergroup, yoshiki was drummer in this band, they also used to be named masami & l.o.x (masami was their vocalist), masami collapsed and fell into coma in 1989 and died in 1992 due to pneumonia in coma, l.o.x released one album with different vocalist (one of them which was toshi and yoshiki went by the alias shiratori rei here on the album) in 1990, l.o.x. released one song in 2002 in memory of masami

standing sex promotional shot & single cover - the promotional shot & single cover basically shows yoshiki nude (with his intimate parts covered of course + this wasnt the only time yoshiki has done something like this) 

rose & blood -indies of x- - an unofficial album with demos and unreleased x songs

unreleased & old songs - there are a lot unreleased songs + unreleased old songs or just old songs that dont get played anymore

5.

rosenfeld - crows in black - blue blood has similar guitar riff (i dont know how to say it) to this song (crows in black / b was firstly recorded on demo in 1986)

former members - x japan has big amount of former members - 11 former members (excluding taiji and hide from this)

terry - a former member of x, he was one of the original members (being a member from 1982 to 1985), terry died in 2002 in car accident

yoshiki got sued by hides brother - yoshiki got sued by headwax (hides company which hides brother owns) for using hides photos, apparently they had a contract but it expired and yoshiki still used hides photos even though the contract expired

x japan condoms - they were released in 1993 with the intent to help increase awareness and prevent the spread of AIDS. the reason why they probably did this is that toshis fan died at the age of 19 due to AIDS (toshi even dedicated a song to him - passion of love and became a active member and sponsor of association of struggle against AIDS)

heath cow story - when heath joined xjapan they celebrated it by drinking and then driving 2 hours to cow farm, then they drove to aquarium but it was already closed

heath leaving x japan - in 2009 there was a rumor that heath would leave x japan, apparently this was caused due to heaths contract problems (?) dementia - taijis former band, he was member from 1984 to 1985 and went under the name ray

pata was roadie for x - before joining x in 1987, he was roadie for x (or the member hally) around the time in 1986 (1985?)

6.

pink spider was a suicide note - this one is a rumor/theory that is circulating around, fans analysed the lyrics and came to conclusion that its suicide note

x stayed at different hotels than other bands - when x was on tour with other bands they were staying at different hotels than other bands, because one time (on tour with other bands and in hotel) hide got into drunk fight with juichi morishige (lead vocalist of ziggy) and sprayed the entire hotel lounge with fire extinguisher

taiji was homeless - taiji was homeless for around 2 years (1996-1998), due to financial issues + he got divorced at this time

heaths myspace account - there was heath myspace account, but it wasnt him, it was someone pretending to be him

weekend pv theory - (i dont know if i should have put this here to be honest) a theory that x members chose what their death would be in weekend pv (yoshiki - suicide, hide - suicide in drunken rage??, taiji - murder, pata - alcohol poisoning, toshi doesnt die in the pv)

7.

hide vocaloid - hides unreleased song co gal got finished via vocaloid (using his voice samples from various songs of his)

yoshiki lead singer - before toshi was chosen to be the lead vocalist for x, yoshiki was the vocalist (there is also a recording of stab me in the back with mostly yoshiki on vocals!)

hide and marilyn manson meet up story - im gonna just attach a screenshot of the story

taiji was murdered - taiji committed suicide in 2011 in his cell on saipan, but there are some things that point to the possibility that he was murdered (his manager insisted on cremating his body and got cremated without autopsy, money got transfered on his account, information missing from the internet?? etc,,) 

juns tape - demo tape recorded in 1986 by at the time X guitarist jun, tape contains instrumental recordings of unreleased songs right now, only way, tune up and one unnamed song.

ill kill you single cover - cover of 1985 X single ill kill you, it contains photos of victims of the vietnam war

feel me tonight - demo tape from 1985/1986, it contains songs feel me tonight and stab me in the back (all of them are under one minute here) sung by their at the time guitarist hally (apparently there aslo should be yoshiki version of it, but i dont know how much we can trust metal archives)

8. tw// eating disorder mention

yoshiki hired someone to kill taiji - this one is a rumor!!!, yoshiki was supposed to get/hire yakuza to kill taiji hide had an eating disorder - this one is unconfirmed!!! hide  suffered from bulimia (yoshiki walked on him purging - and this story was also apparently told by yoshiki???)

[i-bring-crack]

Chapter 7 No turning back now.

Got not a lot to say cuz it's just a laid back episode considering everything–

One thing I thought was funny to add was Sabito eavesdropping cut I was like "okay we need more Sabito scenes."

One braincell in the shower :"What about him hearing Shinobu proposal to Giyuu?"

"Ah! The scandal! Just like the one in Seven Samurai!"

"Oh shat did we get inspired or did we make a copy of Seven Samurai?"

"Idk."

"Idk."

"..."

"..."

"Put it in?"

"Yeah I just created more scenes to add that unrequited love feels in the next chapters."

So yeah, pull that arrange marriage on the tags.

And finally mmmmm some sketchy bad drawings made during some time.

Here are the bad sketches that im just tired to finish. :")and to broke to afford the save butyon on clipstudio.

On one part, yes, im not going too much on the historical side because 1)quick sketch and 2) too many things to add, so these are are very simplified, especially Shinobu's whose supposed to have a lot of layers, and Giyuu's whose armor should be more intricate.

If i ever get to drawing again the ill be sure to add more details.

And i dont know what i wanted to give giyuu, i was gonna put a yari i swear but then she actually changes to using a naginata later on and im just like—forgot so... stick, gonna carry a bonken then.

Shinobu im sorry ive been reading too many wuxia stories and made her pose like so out of habit.

Wanted Sabito to obviously use a samurai armor but then i saw the clock and i was like—ah! Cant do it! And so i choose to give him a haori and a hakama(fun side fact is that the haoris where just around that time being invented.)

By far the one I'm (slightly) proud of bottom pic Giyuu.

Might add the others later on cuz its fun.

[actualbird]

hello hi!!! first of all i must say i'm eternally grateful for stumbling upon your fics on ao3 in my early days of playing ToT (less than a month i guess, too lazy to check rn haha), this was such a blessing, i mean, your writing is outstanding, to me you're a type of writer every fandom needs - keen in observing the characters and putting them to life, giving them additional depth with such skill. whew. anyway you're a blessing.

secondly i was scrolling through your blog here reading all i could abt marius because yeah, he's my #1 boy. lately i've been struggling with my perception of myself gender-related, not gonna go into detail bc it's not that important, anyways a lot of self-doubt and answers i can't find. but then. your posts about marius, the mc and your thoughts on their gender and behaviour, ways of expressing themselves, etc etc. and it had helped me enormously, you know. i tried many pronouns, names, ways of expressing myself, nothing clicked as right until i've read your posts about how both of them wouldn't care too much and just go as they are, i mean, i don't exactly remember the actual quote but you wrote how marius asked the mc if she's okay with him calling her she and miss and if she'd prefer any other pronouns, and she said nah i'm ok with miss still. and then i was like oh god wow, this exactly. i mean i don't HAVE to pick any specific pronouns or change my clothing style or start or stop putting more or less makeup on (im feminine afab and to put it shortly i'm ok with any look, gnc or not lol) it's just like that! that simple. so i'm forever grateful for this revelation, for the fact that i started playing this game and eventually found you. ty 💜 (also i'm sorry for my words choosing and whatever, english is my second language and i don't care much about grammar or sounding properly lol, and maybe if my message was too personal and i've dumped a lot of unneeded things on you. i'm sorry in advance for that also, you can ignore this mess of a message haha)

hello, anon!!

first off, no need to ever apologize for english trouble bc mood.

second off, thank you so much for your kind words on my writing :(((

and third off, i'd like to preface this response by giving a meme thats basically how i looked like as i read this ask

no frigging joke. tears in my eyes. ive been having a bad day today and a bad night yesterday, in regards to my writing so reading this just....it means a lot to me.

im so so honored that my works helped you figure out this part of yourself. truly and absolutely, your gender and expression of it doesnt need a strict label or rules if you dont want that. it's anything you want it to be, whatever makes you feel most like yourself. since i wrote those hcs, ive got the right to tell u marius and mc are so so happy for you. and i am too.

im just.....very very positively baffled to receive this ask at all. emphasis on positive. like i said earlier, ive been having a bad time irt how i feel about my writing kdsjbfsjg. most of it boiled down to the fact that not only is everything i make just like, not good writing, but also that it's useless and amounts to nothing.

and then i get this ask.

and it's not the first one of its kind ive received.

off the top of my head, ive received a dm from somebody telling me that my fanfiction years ago had inspired them to pursue writing in college and they were just accepted for a masters degree in creative writing. ive gotten a comment on a fanfic that said the story gave them the courage to confess to their crush and them and that other person have been together ever since. ive gotten asks like this telling me that my works helped them feel seen irt to gender, mental illness, or just like...being a person.

theres no way i can prove all these things happened in real life. ive got the messages and comments archived in chat histories or on this blog or on my ao3 comments, but these are words online, and stories can always be made up.

but if they are true then...huh.

it makes me feel honored.

im probably never going to get to the point where i'll see myself as a good person or where i stop doubting what i create, but if what i make can result in things like this, then man, what i think doesnt fucking matter. im not good but what i make can maybe, just maybe, result in good.

all this i ramblingly type to say thank you. from the bottom of my heart, thank you for telling me this.

i hope you have a wonderful day and a kind new year ahead of you, anon :')

[selkiecoded]

thank you @eurydicees for tagging me (〃´▽` ) i love talking about myself. a list of my five favorite fics ive written (and thoughts!) oldest to newest

1. don't knock it till you've tried it

the magnus archives + 5.6k. this is, i wanna say, my most popular fic? and im glad for it! its one thing for your most popular content to be something you hate, but i think this still holds up really well. theres a lot i like about it, such as the pronoun/titles between povs, georgies whole pov, the ending line. high five past me. and OH MAN is it crazy that this has 700 kudos. its a very nice feeling to know that that many people liked something you wrote... even if what you wrote is about a guy murdering his past self haha.

2. i'm not wearing my usual lipstick, i thought maybe we would kiss tonight

ohshc + 16.4k. my ouran magnum opus! i still care so deeply for this hc, and i have gotten so many sweet comments on this, im very glad it resonated with a lot of people. 3k hits!!! i think thats really really good for an ouran fic posted in 2020. if i have time there are a few things id like to go back and change about this - unnecessary prose or some of the ending - but frankly, the emotional heart of this is something im very proud of. every person who reads this and either gets their gender reflected to them OR at least is indoctrinated into trans!tamaki is another point towards me making it to heaven. if i was going through this list by favorites, this definitely holds the number one spot.

3. blunt not the heart

the magnus archives + 11.3k. OH MY GOD. this is my UNDERRATED GEM. my white fucking whale. i am SO MAD that this has received DUST considering my another tma fic has 700~ kudos. SO MAD. i really really like melanie king as a character. outside of the feminism of it all, its really fucking hard to write an effective character study. getting into a characters head is difficult. you know what would make it easier? NOT WRITING IT IN SCRIPT FORMAT LOL. but heres the thing: i made it fucking work. the fact that tma is an audio drama/script format already definitely lends itself easier to translation, but it was an interesting exercise to try and get into melanies head while still maintaining the format. and tying it into macbeth? inspired choice, past me! while its not more popular unfortunately, im still insanely proud of it, and the attention it did get is personally satisfying. please read it!

4. Feel Your Way Home

artemis fowl + 12.6k. ah.. my artemis fowl magnum opus.. i still care for that silly little guy a whole lot, but at this point i will say that my artemis fowl obsession was bright, but fleeting. im really really glad i managed to write this before i fell out of it, and even more so I GOT IT PUBLISHED ON THE 20TH ANNIVERSARY!! thats something i am weirdly very proud of. i worked really hard on this for several long months, and i think it turned out very very well. this is one where i really dont care how much attention its gotten for not, as it was very much written for myself. and im pleased with it.

5. name your courage now

ace attorney + 11.8k. my newest one! probably still have a serious case of rose-tinted glasses on, but idc. i love maya and her relationships to her siblings a whole lot. i found her dialouge during her testimony just so insanely ripe for potential, i was shocked nobody else had ever seemed to talk about it. i have so many feelings about bridge to the turnabout! frankly, the entire time i knew what i wanted to do with this story, and i feel as if i pulled it off really effectivly. keeping it emotional while also utilizing aspects of mayas brash, funny voice for the narration was a challenge i enjoyed. that, and trying to use the canon dialouge for the most part, while also attempting to speed it up/make it sound less like it came out of a video game. again, im proud of it, and heres to hoping that it'll get more attention.

thats it! im not big on tagging ppl but if you wanna do this by all means, please tag me so i can read your stuff °˖✧◝(￣▽￣)◜✧˖°

[petrosapian]

Chapyard

Lmao both you and @audiodramatist asked for this i feel like im gonna come off as a bitch lmao

ve said before im not crazy about it, this is a common thing in shipping fandom where people will latch on to a couple (most often two white dudes) who will vaguely fit into a trope and then run with it until sometimes it feels like theyre just OC's which like at the end of the day thats kinda what fandom is for, manipulating existing stories into something for a group of people

chapyard have had some genuinely good moments and great interactions (yeah i dont talk about it bc im biased an obsessed w antigone but idk i probably could talk about it more if anyone really wants me to) but the big thing that kinda bugs me is where people go "omg theyre rivals theyre obsessed with each other" is as ive said so many times before.... theyre not really rivals thats antigone's role. rudyard hates chapman more because he doesn't like change. he does have a lot to say where he compares himself to chapman and wants to be better than him but its not centred around doing better funerals its centered around keeping that status quo bc funn funerals is all about tradition for rudyard (Which is why he likes history and the archive project he likes holding on to the past and keeping things the same)

that was a long way of just saying i don't think chapyard has the rivalry spice people say they do and they havent had a charged moment since season 1, Rudyard's aroace vibes just make him unshippable to me like this man doesnt have it in him to have something other than platonic relationships and so much of it feels like we;re making things up for the sake of fan interpretations that dont really exist in canon so im just not really into it

i dont know if any of this made any sense, i really don't want to engage in anything that could be considered a "shipwar" bc i am an adult but honestly so much said about chapyard's relationship canonically fits better with chapgone but again im biased i love antigone and also i dont usually care about things that dont involve women

[menalez]

saw the list of good radblr accounts to follow. Just wanted to point out girlsmoonsandstars got into fights with people on if sexual orientation can change girlsmoonsandstars(.)tumblr(.)com/post/639880227560013824/im-starting-to-have-doubts-about-the-born-this /// girlsmoonsandstars(.)tumblr(.)com/post/639954347157078016/the-linguistic-distinction-between-lesbian /// there are way more you can see it in her archive in january 2021. idk why radfems keep asking lesbians if they can change or not

i really disagree with her statement of "lesbianism is the way you live"-- it's not about the way you live itself. a bisexual polilez can very much live exactly like a lesbian, but if she has been previously (or is currently) into men but chooses not to be with them for political reasons......despite the way she lives aligning with lesbians, her experience is still different from lesbians because it's not really as much of a choice for lesbians. lesbians don't experience attraction to men and then choose not to act on it, lesbians don't face attraction to men to begin with. in a way, we do choose to accept ourselves because we've seen many gay people who lived so much of their lives hiding and hating themselves and trying to change themselves, and we see that we don’t want that for us. so we choose to be true to ourselves instead of forcing ourselves into a miserable life. but the difference is, the "choice" is between: living your authentic truth and being with who you actually are into, or living a lie and essentially harming yourself in hopes of fitting into & being embraced by a homophobic society. for bi women who choose to exclusively be w women & call themselves a lesbian, the choice is more of an actual choice: they choose to pursue women exclusively even though they can be attracted to men and can have a relatively happy and/or passionate relationship with a man. it wouldn't be them fighting against themselves when they choose to pursue men. so i don't think its about the way you live, its about more than that.

i will say i expected the rest of her statements to be a lot worse here, but i think some of it is reasonable in some ways and some does seem, like she said, perhaps fuelled by internalised homophobia. i know many lesbians do worry and think, "ive never been into men and i still am not...but how can i know it'll never happen?" and that way of thinking only harms us and drives us crazy and i agree its not productive. but is that the fault of the "born this way narrative" or is that a product of lesbians being constantly told we will eventually find "the right guy"? because i think its the fault of the latter. it seems she places the blame on the former. if she said anything else on the topic, i haven't found it.

lastly i will agree that i take issue with the argument that lesbians who align themselves with harmful politics are necessarily not really lesbians. this is part of the reason the "lesbianism is the way you live" thing is something i disagree with too. a lesbian that aligns herself with political lesbianism and agrees with it can very much be a lesbian, so can a homophobic religious lesbian convinced she can live a 'traditional' life and fight her homosexuality. they are lesbians despite their beliefs and actions because lesbianism is innate to you and you can't change it through action nor belief. regardless of that, theyre still perpetuating homophobic shit and harming lesbians, and other lesbians have every right to criticise that. but i do think its harmful to jump to the assumptions that women who hold certain beliefs can't possibly be lesbians, because it ironically plays into the political lesbian rhetoric even though it's meant to combat it. it sends the message that political beliefs equals/relates to sexuality and that's exactly the argument we're fighting against to begin with! i feel like she contradicted herself by saying lesbianism is about how you live, while also saying that lesbians can live whichever way while still being lesbians. regardless of what path we choose, whether we choose to accept ourselves or not, whether we believe in a specific ideology or not, our lesbianism remains.