#but ive been trying to for multiple years now and i literally dont know how bc ive lost the password and the email

[rpfisfine]

its like i do realize that ppl on here r allowed to block anyone at any moment for any bullshit reason whatsoever as it generally makes for a cleaner and more pleasant tumblr experience which is fine and im in support of that obvs but i guess it just makes me kind of frustrated that i get blocked for like a pretty objectively silly reason which is writing fanfiction abt real ppl when i regularly scroll the dash and still even now even though i have her blocked come across ppl reblogging posts made by pjharvey/pollyjean who got exposed for being a giant terf like 3 or 4 years ago and there was actual tumblr dm evidence going around of her saying some of the vilest evilest most inexcusable shit abt trans women you could imagine and she is still to this day mutuals with a lot of the big blogs & small tumblr celebrities on here who never even considered blocking or unfollowing her for a second like it really genuinely boggles my mind so often

[tannieastrology]

Composite Observations

💔 Ive noticed that alot of long term couples have asteroid briede conjunct the sun which makes sense because its literally the asteroid of marriage and union.

💔 Cancer rising couples will find it very hard to leave each other even when they arent good for each other. From the moment these two meet they feel so comfortable with each other and will feel like "home". They are each others comfort people but ive often noticed that these relationships tend to stagnate especially if the rest of the chart has complicated placements. They are also very moody around each other lmfao. The fights get intense and almost "domestic" which is why its important to be careful w cancer placements because codependancy can become an issue.

💔Gemini Rising couples are so cute and fun omg. So flirty and when youre near them you wont even feel like youre third wheeling. The fun couple.

💔 Libra Rising/ Venus in 1st house omg literally everybody shipped us together. Everyone always assumed we liked each other(which i did but he didnt) and told us we had such good chemistry. We looked really good next to each other but it was hard getting close to him beyond that. Our Venus was in libra first house but it squared our 7th house ruler mars in the 10th house, so we argued alot since the day we met. Our arguements were public and everyone had an opinion but they also all shipped us at the same time lmfao. If you do tarot you would know that justice is represented by Libra so our entire friendship had themes of "justice" in it. Our disagreements sometimes became very bitter.

💔 About 10th house mars, im starting to not like this placement ngl. I definitely feel like in this house it acts more as a malefic. There will be power struggles and difficulties seeing eye to eye if AFFLICTED. I think if its not afflicted then maybe you can push each other to grow together in yalls career but for the person I had this with it was our 7th house ruler and made multiple squares in the chart. Literally everybody had an opinion in our business and also like i said the fights were intense. The thing is we were immature kids. Im sure if we were adults it wouldnt have been that bad and we wouldnt have acted out of ego but it was hard seeing beyond it sometimes. Now as im older I feel like im starting to really admire how talented he is( I always have) but in a way now where I want to support him instead of trying to piss him off lol. Another thing is when Mars transited over our composite 10th house we had a huge fight and everyone at school knew it. I cut him off.

💔 Speaking of transits yall pleaseee look at them for the composite chart they are so so so accurate. They have predicted almost every issue I had with him. Another thing I noticed was if you set the transit for January 1st of that year it will predict the themes between u and that person off the composite transits. Every year this had been so accurate as to what happened and its worked for multiple couples I observed. For example when venus and mars was transit on the 5th house during new years the couple started dating that year. It acts as a solar return.

💔 Alot of long term couples have sun in 4th house composite and they are actually healthy.

💔 I love 11th house placements in the composite like yall will just naturally get along so well. This is the true "crush" feeling you would get sometimes more so than the 5th house but instead yall will have a friend dynamic. Just be careful not to get friendzoned LMFAO

💔 8th house placements are not for the weak and having it in the composite can be more complicated than having it in synastry. You were meant to meet this person because both of yall need to go through a psychological change through a partnership of some kind. I dont think 8th house placements are toxic if people are self aware but theres not a lot of people out there who are mature like that at a young age.

💔 Good luck if you have saturn in 12th house with someone. Yall will constantly have issues that neither of yall will understand how to fix. Boundries will be nonexistant and honestly it will be hard to form a partnership. This is IF yall hide from each other and do not communicate. You need to be vulnerable with each other. This is one of the biggest indicaters of a karmic partnership and its painful. Theres always this feeling of something feeling off and hurt in the back of your mind even when something isnt wrong. Ive seen from astrologers that saturn feels comfortable in this house and saturn here represents longevity but the benefits of this placement will not come through until yall go through some serious struggle.

💔 Chiron conjunct the mc will expose all of yalls pain to the public. A couple that had this through aries chiron transit the MC made it known eventually that they become toxic and everyone just thought of them as the couple that fights and hurts each other alot. They also broke up near this time.

💔 Ive noticed that the MC represents the status of the relationship. Having jupiter transit the MC made the couple have good luck and were trying to get together romantically. They also had asteroid anteros(god of requited/mutual love) conjunct jupiter in 10th house as a transit and EVERYONE was talking about them at school and were trying to get the two together.

💔 Lowkey I feel like davison charts(which can be read exactly like a composite) are even more accurate than composite charts. Not to say composites arent accurate but when it comes down to showing the overall long term duration of the couple I found that davisons are more accurate.

💔 If yall have venus square saturn just pack it up lmfao the universe do NOT want yall together and I often see couples trying to work it out but in the long term they often arent compatible. They force it and try to go against the grain and it never works out.

💔 I hate seeing jupiter squares in composites yalls values will be so difficult to align

💔 Jupiter in the 5th house is such a good place for romance. Ive also heard of couples doing "it" very early on in the relationship and most of them had this placement.

Hope Yall Enjoyed💋

[cy-cyborg]

I'm getting a little tierd of the idea because amputees get more representation in media, it means rep for our disability is better and we "have enough"

People are right, we do have way more rep than really any other disability, im not going to deny that, and ive joked before about how often people write amputees without even realising it. So you would think, by sheer numbers, we should have at least some good representation, but by-and-large that is not the case. Legitimatly, the closest example I can think of to point to of good amputee rep is Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood and even that uses multiple tropes I hate (the miracle cure/quest for the miracle cure, the almost perfect prosthetic replacement/forgetting the chatacter is an amputee until it breaks or needs repairs, refusal to call prosthetics, "prosthetics" (automail), the amputee who can't do anything without a prosthetic) and they call Ed a slur for another disability (m*dget) CONSTANTLY. I love fmab deeply, it legitimatly helped me feel seen and represented as a childhood amputee in a way no other show has even come close to, and when it gets it right, it gets it really right, but it's also very far from great and should not be the best example I can think of. Especially nearly 15 years after it released...

A big part of the reason why I don't read many books anymore is because of the sheer amount of books with downright offensively bad amputee rep, some of which were touted as good by people with other disabilities and were recommended to me as good examples. others times, I wasn't even looking for books with amputee/disability rep, it just popped up. It has ruined one of my childhood hobbies for me. Ive tried to get back into reading again as an adult but it hasn't gotten better in that time i was away. I was kicked out of 3 different scifi writing groups on facebook and reddit for asking people to remember "cybernetic enhancement" users are amputees - a real group of people, and maybe debating weather or not we're less human isnt great, and for pointing out seeing those discussions every day was making me feel pretty unwelcome in that space (yes i know, "real" cyberpunk isnt trying to say that, i had to turn notifications off on my post about the topic, it doesnt change the fact that newer creators in the genre dont seem to get that bit, that ive seen cyberpunk writers in these spaces say that debating weather people who loose more parts of their body were less human was, in fact, their intent but they hadnt even considered the fact this made their chatacters amputees, it doesnt change the fact that these tropes, intentionally or not, help make those spaces hostile for disabled fans/creators, especially amputees).

But yeah, I should be thankful I get more rep than other disabilities, no matter the quality, right?

It doesn't just stop at being me being made uncomfortable, though. The sheer, overwhelming amount of amputee chatacters with "perfect prosthetics" has had a noticeable impact on how we are perceived irl. In my lifetime, the general idea people have about multi-limbed amputees in particular has gone from "literally the worst thing that can happen to a person and the worst disability to have" to "is it even a disability? The prosthetic fixes it". These are both wildly untrue and harmful ideas about my disability that were both perpetuated by media, but now that the second one is taking root, it's causing real problems. I have not been shy in talking about how I have to fight to maintain my NDIS funding every time I get something done with my prosthetics, and had to get my prosthetist to sign off, twice, that my fancy prosthetic knee that costs the same as a higher-end new car ($125,000 AUD) is not, in fact a cure and I still need help with other things. It took me nearly 2 years to get a new wheelchair because they didn't understand why I needed it if I had the prosthetics - which to be honest, is not comfortable for me to wear, let alone use all day every day. Guys this isn't just assholes on the street or on twitter saying dumb shit, it's the people in the government body who decide how much funding I get to help with my disability who beleive it. People who have very real control over my life. It's not entirely the media's fault, but when the sheer, overwhelming majority of representation for people like me confirms that belief, it's hard to ignore the possibility that these portrayals are contributing to it, you know?

Which makes it so frustrating when I come on here and see other disability writing advice blogs saying to not write amputees because they have so much representation already. We do, I can acknowledge that, but the vast, vast majority of it is shit, and no one, not even other disabled people, are listening to us about it. And what makes it even worse, is the people they're advising to not writing amputees are the creators who care enough to be doing the research. They're the ones willing to listen, to ask questions. They could be the start of the positive change. But instead they're advised to not even bother with us.

And don't get me wrong, other disabilities ARE under-represented. There are so many disabilities, including some I have myself, that I've never seen represented as anything other than the butt of a joke. There does need to be more reprentation of disabilities other than amputation and limb differences. 100%! but can you please talk about that without saying "amputees have enough"

This isn't even touching on how amputees/people with limb differences who dont/cant use prosthetics, or even folks who use prosthetics sometimes but not others, are almost never represented unless it's for pitty-porn, or how the non-fictional media's (news outlets, etc) portrayal of amputees in particular is used to justify hurting very real, very vunderable people but this rant is long enough and honestly, ive got enough thoughts to make whole other posts on those subjects. That second one in particular deserves its own (more thought-out) spotlight and shouldn't be a footnote in a frustrated rant post lol.

[faggotommyinnit]

I think people need to be more aware that plurality and being a system are the same thing. Btw. Just because people experience being multi faceted differently doesnt mean that they arent plural, doesnt mean they arent a system, doesnt mean they dont have multiple fuckers running around under the hood (their Brain)

People can argue a million times "the information about did is out of date and unclear where the line ends and begins for what you experience" blah blah fucking blah ive heard it all before. Too many dumbasses on syscord. Too many people who give a fuck about the wrong things. But have you ever considered that even if its all plurality, theres different subsections of plurality?

If someone says theyre a system then good for them. They figured that out. I dont need to know more than that. Yk why? Cause theres the point of plurality where it becomes the covert self report disorder we all in the community know as did and osdd, udd, p-did, whatever and whatnot. Some people just experience plurality differently due to their experiences. And thats OKAY.

People need to understand that its like. Unreasonably hard to get diagnosed because it was so easy for people to realize their plurality and like. Yeah. They got fucking scared. Theres people in your head an society doesnt want them in there. They stopped that so people wouldnt be scared. they wouldnt of been scared if the therapist actually knew what they were doing, bur i dont entirely blame them. The people who hurt you, and your system, put them in there. Some people knew about it (tbmc, organized abuse, etc) , some people have no idea. Sometimes that trauma doesnt look like trauma for others and the system themselves may not even recognize it. But thats fucking okay.

You dont need to know everything about your system. Your allowed to drop the stupid fucking genic labels. Theyre just self report labels. Willowgenic? Okay cool. Endogenic? Whatever u want. But dont put it on just for the sake of others. They dont deserve it. Have you seen the amount of damn people in syscords who are so anti-system that it hurts? How much pain will one have to throw to realize the call comes from inside the house. How much fire will one gas till they themselves are ash.

"alter pregnancy isnt real!!!!!" Too bad. Happened to me an i am your outlier. Try again and dont bring it around our sys family.

Did you know that when people say inner voices or different voices theyre not literal? Or at least it depends on the system, but i just recently learned some people experience it as thoughts that are abstract from the usual, and quite consistent in their presence of abstractness from the "normal" self. Not. Literal voices. But that happens too- im not saying it doesnt. But isnt that so interesting? After quite a few years of knowing an growing with our system, we learn new things every day.

"If you dont black out then your faking!!" Get a fucking grip, blackouts are usually* (not always, obviously theres nuance i dont need to spell that out for you.) for extreme moments of fear and arent as cartoonish as theyre often described. Your more likely to have grey out, emotional amnesia, or amnesia with emotional memory. Yea that exist. Yea those are symptoms. No you are not faking just because the shitty communities built do not fucking talk about them enough.

Yes it is important to discuss with both pwdid (people with DID), osdd, AND endogenics. Also transDID, transOSDD. And more. Cause you know what? Humanity is beautiful. And if your mind makes people to help you? Thats fucking beautiful. Your fucking beautiful. No matter how many people are diagnosed or for how long, their opinion should not matter and should not try and change your life. Especially if you dont know them. Like what?

You dont know me typing this. And i dont know you reading this. But please listen to me that the medical industry has lied to so many of us for so many fucking years and is so obvious now in our year of 2025 that they just want us compliant.

I guess my main point is is that. If you think your plural, then you can be. Be safe about yourselves, dont intentionally abuse someone an excuse it for your alters because theyre all functioning in the same body as you. Love one another for your differences. If you argue with me i dont care. I simply do not care and you will not change my mind to express love to all. Talk to the fucking medical industry and tell the people behind the dsm to make the qualifications for ALL systems.

[how-to-humaning-401]

ok so im just gonna yap my incomprehensible thoughts here because theyve been festering in my brain for far too long and i need to say it SOMEWHERE or i. will explode.

and i dont exactly think someone in my friend group would appreciate this all in a dm or something /hj

my thoughts about the purple and yellow old man bisexuals (long read)

ok so way back when i joined the hat in time fandom (almost 2-ish years ago) i thoroughly enjoyed the game and found comfort in the characters (as ahit fans usually do /silly)

so lets go straight over to the completely unhinged way that i actually came to start shipping these two (i sometimes wish i was joking on how it started)

so i recently got tomodachi life on my ds at the time and decided to put a bunch of ahit characters there and just do stuff with them, probably relevant to mention that snatcher and conductor were both males at the time since i hadnt really thought about the ship yet

and then it got around to their miis being close buddies so i thought about how they would interact for a moment and i thought, "hey, you know, i think theyd actually get along pretty decently, i wanna see if i can get them to be best friends" and it wasnt until i thought about it more a little further down along the line and thought "hey actually i think theyd do well paired together, ill have a look around and see if people have thought of that pairing before…"

and so, on october 7th, at good old 4 in the morning, i shot a good buddy of mine a dm that, literally said, "dif yiu know that conductor x snatcher ia a tjibg", i was extremely tired at that point, after scouring around tumblr for every piece of them i could find at that moment, and it was highly important that i told him about it

and thats where it all started

and it has only gone way down hill from there

ever since that day that i thought theyd be a good pair, they have, quite literally, become my all time favourite ship in all of fiction. i dont know how i got to this point, these 2 old bisexual men that progressively become reluctant father figures to little alien girl, have become the most comforting ship to me

i have gone through their ship tag on tumblr several times trying to find any new content for them, and recently just went through both of their tags together (searching "#the snatcher, #the conductor", i found some additional ship art not under the ship tag :3c), and i have gone through all the fanfiction sites i know of to find fics of them (iirc, there are 7 fics in total), ive probably saved 99% of the images ive found into my special folder in my gallery for them, because im just. so. incredibly. normal about them.

it all started out as kind of a joke thing but its grown to be a big part of my brain that, even if my current interest moves on, i can no longer look at a pairing of anything purple and yellow and not think about them, they will now and forever reside in my head, and thEY WILL NEVER LEAVE. ive literally beem reffered to as "the snatchductor one" for first impressions multiple times (i consider that a win /silly)

THEY HAVE BECOME SUCH A BIG COMFORT TO ME AND FOR WHAT REASON. WHAT IS SO APPEALING ABOUT THEM THAT TRIGGERS THE HAPPY HORMONES BRAIN. COULDVE BEEN ANY OTHER PAIRING BUT ITS THEM.

its gotten to a point that my delusional brain will take any ounce of them interacting as something special, to me. i genuinely get so happy seeing them together, and i get even happier when i see a fanart i havent seen before, i feel so good inside when seeing other people that arent me making content about them, i still sometimes go back and look at older stuff i have saved bc i feel so much for it

they make me want to scream and rip my hair out /pos whenever get mentioned together, im so normal about them

my beloveds that are starting to creep their way back into my brain again while im in the middle of thinking about cookies and minecraft. theyre creeping their way back from the special corner they stay in my brain back to where im constantly thinking about them

i may not exactly have the motivation to make a lot of stuff about them right now, so im stuck living in a no new content hell until something happens /hj I NEED MORE PEOPLE TO SEE MY VISION PLEASE I NEED TO SEE MORE ABOUT THEM I NEED TO READ MORE ABOUT THEM I NEED TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THEM I NEED PEOPLE TO FOR ONCE NOT MENTION DJ GROOVES WHEN TALKING ABOUT CONDUCTOR /j /nsrs /nm

cough on another small note

shoutout to @/milk-box-16 for being the one i scream at in dms about them /silly

shoutout to @/pickled-fern (mostly on tiktok rather than here) for being the oomf at the start when this all started and making up stupid shit with me about them

ngl i think you guys both have prevented me from going utterly insane if i had no one to talk to about them /hj

i. might come back and edit this later if i think of more stuff but yeah for now uhhhh im completely normal about them not insane at all what are you talking about

[vortexstars]

In the osc it fr feels like all anyone can stomach is the least depth to a character possible like I've been trying to defend taco for YEARS like no girl her looking sad whnenmic left her ISNT MANIPULATION???? THAT'S CALLED BEING SAD???? SHES ALLOWED TO HAVE EMOTIONS???

Also i remember so many people being mad about Nickels joke when blueberry was voted out like "yeah dude just be nicer" and i saw so many people just so angry at that because it was "hypocritical" like yeah... That's the joke. That is the POINT of the joke that is what allows it to land it wouldn't hit coming from someone that's genuinely nice

Also female characters who hang out witj men get watered down SO often to that guys (girl) friend i see it all the time ESPECIALLY WITH CANDLE AND SILVER SPOON like guys please can we not. Can she be an indépendant character

Sorry for the (second) rant in your inbox i have big feels about media literacy in the osc

no dw i have strong feelings to people who lack media literacy

ive only been in the osc for almost 3 years and saying that ive always felt sympathetic with taco is an understatement , you can clearly see that shes genuinely upset that mic left and not because she wanted to use her more, but because she actually LIKED her. She genuinely did care about her and this episode really does prove it and so many other things, this woman literally fucking SHATTERED when being too overwhelmed and people still have the gull to say that she was being manipulative, like please watch the episode again and maybe the entirety of s2 along with it

Also i dont remember the nickel joke very well but i do remember people being pissed off about it like it wasnt just a joke

and oh my GOD DO I NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS, one of the main things that contribute to the mischaracterization of female osc chatacters is when they are involved with another character that just so happens to be a man, there are so many examples to this and i think the worst one is the silver n candle arc. I have made multiple threads about these two separately and they both have their own story arcs and their own personalities. Most people [ or shippers ] will just make the two of them be associated with eachother and call it a day, and it pisses me off cause their character are an important thing to understanding the character itself — without knowing or not caring ab those arcs and making those two just be with eachother could lead to even worse mischaracterization from there.

I cannot express enough on how many times ive made posts like this on other websites and it still happens, they are more than just '' Silver having a crush on candle and candle is just the helpful one '', they are so much more. Now dont get me wrong silvercandle is my absolute most favorite ship ever and i will defend them with my life, but ive seen people who hate it make both characters so mischaracterized i start to think that they are just talking about an oc. Even people who like them still sometimes just make them be associated with eachother and claim to know them like their bedroom, they are so much more than that — romantic or platonic, they still have their own story arcs that correlate with eachothers arcs

theres more female characters that get mistreated but ive only seen silvercandle get the worst treatment, every character is their own chatacter with their own goals, own beleifs, own arcs.

i think you can tell who my favorite character is

[watery-melon-baller]

hey lilac!! How you been? (I've heard about the class and oof. You can vent to me all about it if you'd like)

you've heard about the class huh are you stalking me 🤨/j

lmao besides this and one other class I'm actually having a decent time! bit of context: I'm switching degrees from product design to engineering which is a wild shift but it turns out,,,, i am secretly a math nerd,,, but since im an art student they won't completely switch me so I'm taking a mix of design and engineering classes. ive liked my engineering classes a lot! my two favs are my statics class (physics of objects that don't move, it's a LOT of trig) and GD&T toleranciing class, which is basically the way that engineering blueprints are standardized. very cool!

my least favorite is the class i was bitching about earlier, it's my studio class and its a semester long project that is a culmination of everything i dislike about design: vague bullshiy nonsense that has to have ✨meaning✨ and also fix a problem that doesn't really need fixing. i am not at all good at design, or coming up with New and Innovative products. give me numbers any day. best i can do is like. A slightly cuter/more efficient version of something that already exists. i do not know how to please the average masses. but yeah so far this project has been a #trainwreck bc i can't think of ANYTHING and my one idea he doesn't like because it's very simple and it just doesn't have enough "depth". which like again. im not Fucking Good At That Shit. but im gonna meet with him tomorrow during office hours to talk and probably jusy explain "my man i am not good at designing and I hate it and I am fully aware that I'm bad at this which is why im switching majors at the end of the semester. this project is the best i can come up with this isn't a lack of me trying this is literally all i can do so if you have any fucking ideas please go ahead but otherwise yeah don't expect much. i hate this class so much and there isn't really anything u can do about that bc it's just the entire concept of the class is something i loathe." i don't really wanna be like. throwing myself a pity part or be a whiny brat but like. every time we have to do Anything for this class (or my other design one) my brain switches into moody teenager mode and is like "UGHHH THIS IS SOOOO LAME I DONT WANNA DO THIS!!!!" i am trying to keep the bitchyness in my skull and not act immature in front of my profs but ah. yeah. hm. Very tempting to drop it but i do not think that would be a great option 4 multiple reasons i shan't get into.

but yeah other then 2 design classes i don't like i am enjoying the rest of my classes! ive also been hanging out with my friends more which is good bc last year accidentally isolating myself was a HUGEEEEEE issue lmao so. glad we are avoiding that (4 now)

[queer-omens-in-the-archives]

had a very good day today im putting the specifics under a cut because i got really long winded im processing ghfjgkg

(socials with multiple family members we like. including one of our two favourite cousins, we had not interacted with since 2020 and even then we didnt get an opportunity to talk 1 on 1 like we did tonight. picked up where we left off with zero difficulty and hes gotten even cooler with age tbh. we had worries about political radicalisation (its been an issue with other family members (like our mum. not to name names.)) but no he is in fact so chill.)

but also. my god our poor brain. leaking out my ears (so much peopling & talked about so much stuff (again always happy to see everyone we saw today (we like a lot of our family on dad's side) and also had really really good conversations + its also like. i think the first time ever that cousin and us got to talk as experienced adults (hes 4 years younger than we are so last time we talked he was like early 20s and still a bit. hm. cant find the word in english but very Confrontational and Sure He Knows Everything the way some people can be at that age. the dunning kruger effect of life i think fhdkgkg. now he has Matured out of that phase) and its just. my god so nice to be chatting with someone who just vibes on the same wavelength not necessarily opinion wise but in terms of like. how we like to discuss things and what we're putting in vs getting out of the conversation (in this case intellectual stimulation + learning things) and how we think about things (like the mechanics underlying our thought processes. we just Follow each other's trains of thought easily even if we take different paths or don't Word things the same). but also just the sheer like... we dont have to stress out about how we come across because we are Known and given grace. like we basically grew up together we saw each other like at least every other weekend + some vacay time, and its just nice to see we keep vibing just as well now as we did then (maybe even better. tbh. given how hes massively chilled out). we know each other's context and we've ended up having similar trajectories for a lot of Thoughts And Ideas And Values And Life Decisions, so just like. yea. idk this (still trying and failing to articulate what "this" is exactly) isnt an experience we got to have often with family members (especially family who are Peers rather than Adultier Adults to some extent) so it feels extra special to me for that i think. anyway))

and im winding down rn because no way im gonna sleep until ive stopped having brain zoomies, despite the 4am of it all rn, there's a bunch to process first but wowee the. yea. we really need to not go another five years without talking (we are both really really comically bad at keeping in touch with irl friends through online/phone means. lmao like i dont know why because we have no issue maintaining regular (though. occasionally very delayed. like weeks to months before we get around to replying sometimes.) contact with online friends? but if we know the person from IRL we just suck SO bad at keeping in touch with them if we can't meet up regularly. so this probably means making time to visit more often despite the. hundreds kilometres (was initially gonna abbreviate that as kms but LOL NO) in the way. phew)

anyway. lovely day i hope we can just chill tomorrow though because brain soup (probably also because several of us were involved in that conversation because. well. he's Our Cousin and hes not someone we've ever needed specific guys to handle, so hes met quite a few of us over the years (even though he doesn't know that (yet) and we didn't know at the time). and running/coordinating that many people at once takes a toll LOL im there to facilitate that its literally what i do here but. you know. only so much i can do i cant work miracles on the electrified meat sponge in our head to make it magically better at handling a ton of processings at once.)

anyway back to my bedtime routine and then sleeping probably so so well. nya!

[too-much-sunshine]

Finished the most recent chapter, and as an aroacespec person myself, I was so comforted by the slow and natural progression you've given Scar and Grians relationship in this. I'm inclined to physical affection myself, and that's something frequently excluded in pairings that people write as aroace/qpr adjacent. A lot of times they're always considered strictly romantic, but the way you've written this feels so right in the sense of Queerplatonic, as you mentioned you intended originally in the notes. I just wanted to say thank you for that! Reading how they hold each other and comfort one another (wont go into detail, as to not spoil ch26 for anyone reading this) just clicks in a way that's Their Connection, and it doesn't feel like it's trying to or needs to be anything else. It's so content, and it makes me feel so warm to see that in a fic with two characters I resonate with a lot.

Not to mention the plot- omg, I've been fawning over it all week! My favorite moment I think is definitely the kitchen scene with Iskall and Scars little standoff- the visual was so sassy and queer from Scars end, it just made me cackle to no end I absolutely loved the attitude. But really, I try not to theorize too much when reading stories that way every turn feels like a huge shock, and this fic keeps my attention so well I didn't even have the chance to, I was far too busy enjoying every little flair of dialogue and fluid change of scenario. I literally gasped and yelled "OH /SHIT/" aloud multiple times, I'm not embarassed to say it. There are so many details you kept so quaint and innocent at the beginning, I never even questioned them until their importance later on!

This story has been absolutely, insanely, phenomenally fun to read, and I can't wait to see where you take things next. I've been planning my own fic for ages, and reading something like this has really inspired me to pick up my pages and keep going. I hope you have a wonderful day, and that you have a lot of fun working on the rest of the story! I know I'm dying to read the next chapter whenever you feel it's right to show, and others will be too :).

Much love!

- minecraft-cake

OH MY GODS IM GONNA CRYYYY (/pos) TOO LATE I AM CRYINGGGG TTTTTTT AAAaaaa this means so much to me TTTT ASDFGHJK

Ive said it before, and I'll say it again: I started writing WOftL because I wanted to read something like it, but it hadnt been written. Not only in the superhero space (even tho I am a bit a whore for superhero fics UuU) but also just aspec wise. Im arospec/ace, and I just felt it wasnt being represented in a way the resonated with me!! So I wrote it myself <3

Im so glad that it resonates with others as well! I really hope that deciding to change the relationship romantic doesnt takes away from that! I feel like, personally, it doesnt change their background and their connection for each other. I certainly dont plan to have them act much differently then they do now lmaooo

Ommffggg you are so nicceee TTTTTT If Im forced to say one thing I'm proud of for this fic, i'd say the foreshadowing turned out much better then I expected lmaooo This is my first looongg fic, so I really happy with that turned out!! I have so much I can say about specific scenes and how they came to be in my brain!!! But for specifically Iskall and Scar, I loved how their little plot came out! Those two have History UuU

Thank you so much for reading and the kind wordsss!! This seriously made my whole week and its only monday!! Im so happy to have inspired you, and if your willing to share I would love to read your fic when you write it! I hoep you have a phenonial day, week, month, year and life bestie <3<3<3<3

[childhoodgrave]

who do you go for in stardew valley? (im gonna guess... harvey or krobus? it feels wrong only guessing guy characters but none of the girls really seem up ur alley) also what skill do u end up maxing out first, if you've played multiple files? what kind of farmers do u end up making. r they self inserts or ocs. hi

HI GENO i was like how do you know ive been playing so much stardew valley recently and then i remembeted we are steam friends and ive also been. posting about it a lot LAWL ok so i do actually really enjoy harvey and krobus especially but ive never actually romanced any of thw guy characters they are completely uninteresting to me in that respect even though unfortunately i think they get to be more interesting than most of the women SADLY. a lot of my more recent playthroughs i have gone for krobus or havent pursued any romance options bc i jist like the grind more… i dont think ive ever even gotten to the point in marriage where u like have children at all BUT when i was very very into it in early high school i usually went for maru or abigail. and funnily enough on my current playthru im trying to go 100% on i actually married haley LOL idk why but i now find her very cute.. i feel like she didnt have much of an interesting like arc? infact i kind of enjoyed when she was much meaner to the player character and wish she stayed that way even after she gets closer to you but OH WELL i am just very charmed by her currently.

ummm ok im trying to remember for skills i think i usually end up maxing out mining first… i love the mines but ive never even reached level 100 in the skull caverns yet.. IM TRYING TO THOUGH. fishing is very fun but usually for the first year or 2 in a playthru its not what i focus on. AND my farmers are literally always self inserts lol i dont play many games w like character customization stuff so when i do i usually end up making a self insert.. though if i ever emd up playing bg3 i plan on coming up w just like an oc for it. here what i look like on my singleplayer file AND then how i look in the coop file ive been playing a lot w my friends which i actually prefer more to how i look in single player but ive been too lazy to change it..

I LIKED THIS QUESTION ALOT and now i want to know what your answers to all pf this are im curious..

[skyburger]

lately ive been going through my google history when im bored (which is so incredibly entertaining btw. highly recommend) and apparently, after double-checking my camera roll that date & finding proof to support this theory, i did indeed first watch hlvrai on november 4th of 2020. absolutely insane. i thought i hadnt seen it until mid-2021 at LEAST.

shoutsout to my friends who i watched it with at the time half of which i dont talk to anymore... i owe u for getting me into funny half-life series. thank you oomf

WARNING !!! below the read more is a long fucking list of funny* things i found in my camera roll from the week i first watched hlvrai. like not the images themselves just me talking about them. i dont know why i thought that was a good idea but alas i already spent 90+ minutes writing that all out and tbf i did have a good laugh looking at that shit. anyway the warning is because its long as fuck and i'm willing to bet not at all interesting to anyone who isn't me. i think if i talk any more i will ramble for fucking ever so ill shut up. WARNING OVER !!! miami make some fucking NOISE. dj tsumugi.

*please note these were funny to both me in late 2020 (age 15) and me now (older but not at all wiser). what im trying to say is read at your own risk because 90% of this is unfunny as fuck but it could be worse. it could be shit from when i was 12. That would be really bad i think

anyway here are some highlights from my camera roll from like the day before, the day of & the day after "the incident" (me watching hlvrai):

a ridiculous amount of terezi pyrope pictures. i had not (and still have not) ever read homestuck

at least 30 pictures of hugh o'conner. probably more if im being honest with myself

the same few pictures of kokichi ouma? for some reason?

like a lot of pictures of nagito komaeda. there is at least one screenshot where my discord pfp is nagito. Something Happened

vriska and nepeta also make an appearance. the former more so but not nearly as much as terezi for some reason

a lot of screenshots of discord convos involving various hughdebeste aus. some favorites are the homestuck au, the peabody & sherman au(???), the meet the robinsons au(??????), splatoon au

blu and red scout tf2 they have taco bell and kfc shirts respectively?

professor sycamore from pokemon and professor sycamore from layton. there are multiple images of each and theyre right next to each other

screenshots of the homestuck wiki. Concerning

a screenshot of an email i got from nintendo about the special edition fortnite switch releasing

like a lot of screenshots of alfendi layton from when i was playing lbmr. not surprising but theres kind of a ridiculous amount

a picture of alvin (the chipmunk) that just says "WE DID IT"

screenshots of me talking in ridiculous 13375P34K on twitter and being accused of kinning from homestuck. quite frankly? i deserved that

hatsune miku makes a few appearances

many tumblr post screenshots. However i did not take these myself i just saved them from reddit. really ashamed to admit i did this for literal years even when i used tumblr at the same time

picture of professor layton standing in that one pose in that one picture i dont know how to describe it. the "you know i had to do it to em" one

that one bugs bunny suit meme and it says "i wish all boobed men a very pleasant evening". this was apparently important enough for me to save twice like an hour and a half apart

many screenshots of me on discord AND twitter posting quotes from hlvrai as i watched it. this includes on my masked disciple roleplay account

a picture of my danganronpa trilogy for ps4 copy. but its one of those live pictures so when i click on it i get attacked (i had the flash on because i took this picture in the dark)

that one really terrible picture of tommy coolatta thats like the first non-fanart picture of him on google images. thrilled to announce i think thats been the only image on his wiki page for years now

picture of hime & mikoto meika's mmd models. i think they had recently released or been announced at this point

catboy apollo justice & wolf boy klavier gavin gacha life gifs. i think my friend made this (if it was in fact my friend and not someone random this was the same friend who streamed hlvrai and thus changed my life forever btw)

that old meme about not passing [xyz] the aux because theyll play [abc]. it says "Do NOT pass the kinnie the aux / They'll just playin 'Alvvays - Archie, Marry Me (Official Video)'"

screenshots of calendar events i set up celebrating the anniversary of two dgs characters' deaths (genklimt fans rise up!)

screenshot of my real kinlist on my real carrd from 2020. i can tell it was just edited because this screenshot has scribbles on it (i circled the latest addition to my kinlist which is in fact "dr. coomer")

screenshots of me and my oomfs on this one specific anime rp roblox game that i WISH i could remember the name of. it let you import pngs of any character you wanted so we had pictures of ace attorney guys hanging out with madoka girls at some point. this specific instance includes klavier gavin, baby trucy wright, rosie from animal crossing & a blue orb thing(??). we are all incredibly small for some reason

john cena suit gangnam style depression. this is saved multiple times. does anyone else remember this post i used to be obsessed with it for some reason

picture of a historical moment in my life (the day i changed my ps4 username to "TheKokichiOuma" which i have regretted for years now. in my defense it did actually use to be worse than that im so serious. 2018 was a dark time why did i pick the name "DabWeebPolics". Horrific!

screenshot of a string of tweets between me and a friend at the time. the tweets arent actually important except for the first one which reads "these gummy bears taste british i cant explain it". this is only important because i remember these fucking gummy bears and they DID taste british in like the same way heathrow airport feels british you know

this one picture of my chemical romance in a forest(?) but bob looks like my fucking dad at a quick glance and it scares me every time i see it. i saved this multiple times over the course of that day

various pictures my friend made of jove justice being set on fire

the really short businessman with the fuckass bob from the lorax but my oomf edited him to look like kazuma asougi

picture of byakuya togami which is only funny because it has text on top of him that says "I. DO. NOT. GEC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

a single screenshot of a tumblr post about the events of That Day (destiel putin election day.) the only other thing referencing this in my gallery is a screenshot of the trending tab on twitter (the trends are, in order. 1. #TrumpMeltdown 2. destiel 3. #ElectionResults2020)

two paper mario character pngs followed by that one misha collins picture. you know the one

various screenshots of a mishapocalypse happening on twitter

more super paper mario pngs

im going through pictures slightly further out from nov 4th now (i think after i look at nov 2nd & nov 6th ill call it quits). first image i see is that "gay people i respect vs. gay people i dont respect" image and i dont know why i saved that nevermind i scrolled and immediately found i made a dgs meme out of that

phoenix wright BASED ON GAY MANGA?

went through the ace attorney mamboleo person's deviantart that day i think so i have various funny works of theirs saved. i think the average person actually would know them as the stamp on the ground animation person so. Thats them too. on a side note watching that video after you got into metal gear is fucking insane

that mom against cat boys tshirt

a lot of unnoteworthy professor layton & ace attorney & dgs images

ben shapiro on the ace attorney witness stand?

oh im finding out i got really fucking mad at william petenshy that day. iirc i got so fucking annoyed at this case i didnt even finish it i just. skipped it. i wasnt even playing it i was just watching it???

one of those "tag yourself / which mutual am i" posts but all the options are characters from my kinlist. one of the titles is a jfk clone high reference

screenshots of dms to klimt van zieks begging him to drop a kinlist

a screenshot of a friends reply to my tweet (hi doop) which did just remind me of my "damon gant is apollo justice's grandpa" theory. this tweet manages to tie yanni yogi into the family tree

screenshot of a discord music bot playing a youtube video (remember when they could do that?). the video is titled "henry ledore does his taxes for 10 minutes asmr"

apparently i looked at characters i share a mbti with that day. highlights include souseki (the dgs guy. no idea about the real one), ron delite, flora reinhold, pyro tf2, agent 8 (splatoon), n harmonia & my goat DERPY HOOVES

screenshot of part of twitter's trending page. it says that trending in the united kingdom, with at least 3,610 tweets, is "Homosexuals"

screenshots of multiple tweets in a row from me. they all involve me frantically talking about how i really want to kin nagito komaeda even though i know fuck-all about him

various pictures of markiplier (both in real life & in fma)

real screenshot of me unironically saying "mental illness innit" in reference to myself. this was in my twitter dms with my friends klimt van zieks roleplay account which is even worse

original gina lestrade & egg benedict image made by me. if you know the apollo gant image its basically that

okay i lied i went back to nov 1st and i think i'll check nov 7th afterwards. one full week of nonsense. this proved to be a good idea because i immediately found a screenshot of a text to my mom asking her if she kinned gnomeo from gnomeo and juliet. she said yes

possible origin of why i own a boss baby poster: oomf kin-assigned me the boss baby

possibly my favorite example of the twitter feature where it shows you the original tweet and then the last two replies on a long thread of replies to that post. the original tweet is me saying in all caps "i care him so much he is so small" about luke triton (what a 2020 sentence!). the last two replies are from me and then my oomf but i think only the first of the two needs recounting. it says "do you really want to explain vore to your teachers". i know i say i want context a lot but i genuinely do really want context for this what the fuck happened here

oh good! boss baby update: theres a screenshot of my ebay purchase of "BOSS BABY Poster A5"

im on pictures from november 7th now. i think i went through a figures bot that day because i have a frankly ridiculous amount of figures (mostly nendoroids. mostly miku nendoroids.) there's also the default hime & mikoto png in the middle of these

twitter notification screenshot. apparently kristoph gavin ace attorney followed me that day

i think i went and looked through a christian memes subreddit or twitter account or SOMETHING i dont know where else these all came from. this is followed by a staggering amount of facebook minion memes

side note: does anyone else remember the aatwt (ace attorney twitter) & puyo puyo twitter crossover event in the michael's customer service chat incident? that feels like a different universe

this one is really nothing compared to any of this other stuff but i do have proof of me saying "pog" unironically

grand finale to this saga is actually from a couple days after (nov 9th 2020) but after seeing the staggering amount of death the kid images i had saved over like two days (i had watched a couple episodes of soul eater with my pals) i felt compelled to dig up my "death the kid get wifi anywhere you go" fancam. i might post it later cause its a classic (only to me)

thank you all so much for watching remember to like and subscribe and whatever. thank you for reading this if you read it for some fucking reason. i spent just over an hour and a half looking through this shit & typing this but it was a nice walk thru memory lane tbh! im gonna shut up now before i start rambling. feel free 2 ask for the images or context to any of these i literally love rambling. peace and love on planet earth. LOVE YOU ALL!!! GOODNIGHT NEW YORK CITY

[zebanon]

The zelda lore theorists are in shambles and im here to correct their shortcomings, in this essay of a tumblr post i will attempt my best to correct some large problems i have seen within zelda lore as of late.

“Where did all the shekiah tech go from botw?” It went back underground as we clearly see most of it rise from the ground in botw, and for the guardians they were used for the new towers, as for the divine beasts they were most likely buried once more, weve seen that they were originally buried prior to the age of the botw champions (the time 100 years prior to botw) so they were most likely just reburied for convenience.

“But there were too many guardians for how few new towers there are?” are you expecting hyrule to understand this massively advanced tech on their first try? Hell even some of the quests for the new towers involve them being buggy, meaning they still havent perfected their understanding of ancient shekiah tech

“Why is hyrule been founded again? Did nintendo reset the timeline?” No you idiot, hyrule has been founded again multiple times before now, we just havent seen it actually happen in game or in cutscenes, why do you think zelda games have wildly differing landscapes?

As for the zonai being introduced, they were probably there the entire time. Think about how in the start of totk zelda says that the murals say that her ancestors partnered with gods to create the kingdom of hyrule, this makes me think that the three golden goddesses from earlier zelda lore were probably zonai.

So, in botw and totk, the three dragons that we technically dont know the identities of are named naydra, dinrall, and farosh. The three golden goddesses are named nayru, din, and farore. If we consider that they were most likely zonai they most likely had access to secret stones, of which allowed them to be viewed as gods and eventually become the three immortal dragons we farm for parts in botw and totk.

Now, for the differences between malice and gloom as well as calamity ganon and ganondorf, this is a smaller misconception that ive seen that i still wish to correct anyway. Gloom is not malice but malice is gloom, if that makes sense. Basically gloom was first created by ganondorf when he acquired the secret stone, however gloom became malice after ganondorf was sealed away and he developed so much hatred that it leaked out in the form of malice and calamity ganon, attempting to destroy hyrule castle as on a stone tablet we can find in game, it is stated that the castle was made so that ganondorf would not be disturbed while sealed. However after the great calamity from botw the castle was left in shambles and ganondorf’s seal was disturbed heavily, but not enough for him to escape, however after calamity ganon is destroyed and all the malice disappeared, time passed where the castle was just kinda left to rot, its not known exactly how long has passed between botw and totk, but seemingly enough for the seal on ganondorf to effectively become useless and allow him to start spreading his gloom more. Basically, gloom is directly and intentionally made by ganondorf, but malice is just because he was literally too angry to die.

If i find any other problems with current zelda lore i will add onto this post, but for now this is all my adhd riddled brain has to say.

[okthatsgreat]

🌼💎??

WAHOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! im gonna use naomi for this one just because i reckon she's got some interesting answers ..... >:)

ALSO I WILL BE DISCUSSING SUICIDE HERE BRIEFLY BC ITS NAOMI AND ITS GOTTA COME UP IN A CONVO ABOUT DEATH SO BE WARNED!!

OC ASK GAME!!

🌼 - how old are they? (or approximate age range)

depends on the context!!!!! during her killing game she is either 16 or 17, as this is season 50 and i imagine team dr has just gone "Yknow What. What ever" about killing off a bunch of minors lmaoooooo. haven't yet decided if i see her as one of the younger contestants or one of the olders ones like ryobe ............. both have tragic implications ............ and also i dont know if im being swayed towards making her older just because shes the tallest girl there LMAO

in the askdr50 universe she is either 18-20!! timeline is sort of foggy, but its been a few years since her game has ended and they are currently on season 53 :] i imagine team dr has to be given enough time for pre-production/a bit to actually run the game/post-production media hell, but alsooooooo they are very quick to keep producing more seasons. so the amount of time between naomis killing game and her currently fluctuates hgdfksg

💎 - do you ever see yourself killing off the oc?

teehee teehee soooo first things first naomi is a danganronpa character which means the threat of death is literally always around the corner even AFTER her fucking game LMFAO. but what is super important about naomi in the context of her universe is that she is SURVIVOR.... like even before her game. naomi has always been somebody that survives and is terrified of dying. and quite honestly it is a fate worse than death a lot of the time. like she doesnt GET to die

something i love examining with post-game dr characters in this "everything is a reality show and team dr are corporate dirtbags" au is the idea that they actually for real will not let you die--- i know i touched on it extremely briefly in lgowab with junko. like that girl had tried to take herself out on multiple occasions but danganronpa would frequently nurse her back to health only to go Hey Btw you Can Not die while you are contracted with us and we will Ruin every single living thing you might possibly feel connected to if you try that shit again. you are a commodity first and foremost and we could care less about your mental health we just need you alive so we can keep commercialising you. and also if we have another suicide scandal that could TANK us. so you can not kill yourself ok <3 for us <3

ive got zero doubt in my mind they did that same shit with naomi as well lol. this is a girl whose entire life has been rooted in survival and frankly not much else, who now DOES NOT GET to die and has to live on with the fact that her survival has caused her and many others irreparable pain and damage. death is a luxury she WILL NOT be afforded. awesome sauce!

THANK YOUUUUUUUUUU <33

[freebooter4ever]

You worry about the theoretical possibility of someone hitting your guys the way trouba hits everyone else instead of worrying about the not-theoretical guys he puts on IR multiple times a season?

He’s a real problem now, not just in your imaginary world where he’s on any other team.

So it sounds like you might really really dislike troubs, and if you don't want to block me the other option is blacklisting "NYR" - tumblr makes it really easy, and i am usually very careful to tag all my r*ngers reblogs/posts with that. I myself have one specific player's name blacklisted because just seeing it triggers me into anger. (discussion of the physical part of hockey got long, under tag)

There's two options: full tag, and also in the body of the post so tumblr will filter out ALL posts with that word. But it won't hide the posts it just gives a nice greyed out warning so you don't have to see it. Trust me, its great, it's the only way i got through having that asshole on my favorite team for a few months. (and you can still click to unhide the post, like say when geno is defending the pens goalie and swatting the asshole player like a fly and you want to reblog the gif)

For a direct response to your second point: troubs' hits were legal. I'm not afraid of him being traded to another team, i am quite literally afraid of another similar hitter on an oposing team taking retribution by landing a similarly legal hit on our forwards. I feel like troubs style leads to escalation and thats what worries me. like troubs targeting vulnerable mistakes of oposing forwards is putting a giant target on our own forward's backs.

BUT im a wimp. Always have been, i know this about myself. I dont like contact sports. I will watch football but not closely, i absolutely despise boxing, and even wrestling is pushing it sometimes. My formative years were spent in a karate dojo that emphasized self defence always. I excelled at kata and bunkai, but put me in the sparring ring and i wilt. One of my most distinct memories when i was 13 or 14 and shooting up taller than a weed was being forced to spar with this obnoxious teenage guy a head shorter than me. He had something to prove and landed an illegal punch on my nose. I was so mad i took that kid down with almost full force and then ran to the bathroom and bled all over my pristine white expensive cotton gi and cried like a baby and didnt come out till one of the women senseis sat with me and calmed me down. They never forced me into the sparring ring again after that, lol. what im saying is i dont like fights. If I had my way we would eric-bittle-ify hockey and checking wouldn't be a thing.

BUT with hockey im trying to be more open minded and understand how this fits into the game. And learn to appreciate it in addition to how much i admire the speed, and strategy, and more refined aspects of the game. Some parts i dont think i'll ever understand: like the borderline illegal hits, or the ones that are legal but extremely dangerous like the one that gave the poor penguin defense man a concussion during his first big league game. Now i have not been watching long but i have heard that troubs has hit sid in the past? I dont know anything about it, i dont think i want to. If it happened again? Yeah troubs might end up on my blacklist. But for now he's still the captain of the team, and the team genuinely seems to appreciate troubs very loyal very aggressively defensive phsyical style of play.

But also i mean, trochk picked on geno for like three games straight last season, and i dont think geno was even injured, but ive lowkey hated trochk ever since and have a hard time rooting for trochk as much as the rest of the guys on the team so lol dont hold me to any loyalties.

[mizuta]

far from it to be my style to post about hashtag mental health issues on main but like. look. ive& been psychotic as far back as i can tangibly remember (hallucinating at 10-11, cognitive symptoms and episodes by 13-14). its been a part of my life so long that like... in a lot of ways im used to it and coping with symptoms and my life grew around a lot of the symptoms. like a tree trunk growing around a foreign object as a sapling. something that pierces directly through the middle but doesnt really impact the trees ability to stay alive in any meaningful way.

so like in a lot of ways im used to being in my own head. my partner is good at recognizing that things that are distressing to me in episodes dont process whatsoever as distressing to me a good chunk of the time. when im acting visibly distressed it actually means my level of distress is at like, 200%. its fucking unmanageable. if im visibly distressed its worse than anyone could conceptualize because typically otherwise im just numb to a lot of it or its just default my reality that its not distressing in any meaningful way until after the fact.

but like im ngl just because ive spent all of my teenage years upwards trying to take up literally the least space possible to exist and never show 80% of my "unacceptable" symptoms to 99% of people does not mean it makes it any less uncomfortable or awkward to like. be the token psychotic in some groups. to have to be the buzzkill and shit thats like hey sorry heres my hyperspecific request of the year because im fucking insane.

its miserable in a fresh new way of like sorry to have to remind everyone that its not actually a funny character quirk or joke my brain literally does not exist in your 'reality' in any meaningful way and the further outside of it i am on a given day the more unpleasant youre going to find me to be around. ignoring the insane person talking aimlessly in public doesnt actually help me it usually just reinforces that youre not real and never will be if its a bad enough day.

its never intentional. like nobody is ever doing this on purpose. especially again because i spent so much of my life being very good at hiding it. but like... it sucks so much to be masking half the time and be a little too good at it so when you stop being able to people are always levels of uncomfortable or upset. it sucks when you cant articulate anything properly and nobody really knows how to understand what youre asking for. it sucks when you have multiple severe memory conditions and cant trust your own memory and everyone immediately questions your memory when you ask for anything or point anything out. like of course im just going to fucking fold.

i dont know where im going with this or if this itself is even that coherent i know it sounds super vague but it really isnt about anyone specific im just babbling about like years worth of garbage. i got so fucked over by fakeclaiming culture because unfortunately when i started really displaying symptoms i was a teenager trying not to kill himself and being fucking insane loudly in virtual public when that was apparently an "obvious sign of exaggerating" so i had to learn to shut the fuck up and now everybody loves to forget how much im fucking unwell because god forbid you think too hard about what youre saying around others.

thank god for my partner who is literally the first person in my entire life whos ever tried to understand and genuinely knows how to talk to me when im in a particularly bad delusion or hallucinating or whatever.

man. im tired. i found out this last month i probably need to get a cane when i move out and i still feel like im going to be appropriating shit because severe knee and upper leg paint and severe balance problems cant be that bad. i hate having memory problems so bad that i so easily can be told that i dont know shit and Y is actually what happened and i usually cant actually argue against it even if im so sure thats not true.

[thefinalwitness]

i slept all day and im still severely hurty but i think. we're getting there. o|–< im including a readmore to catch up new ppl who are curious bc ive found being open about my chronic pain has helped inform others to their own so!!!! i like sharing

i've had a gradually worsening chronic illness since 2019-2020—it's hard to say for sure when it started, but my physically demanding job at a retail store slowly went from perfectly doable to 'i cant even survive a four hour shift without multiple episodes of hiding in the bathroom just to let some of the pain subside'.

i ultimately had to quit that job in early 2021, and at the time had a writing job that i thought, surely this will be okay! i was wrong. it was so hard to work as consistently as was needed of me. i spent so much time just writing and then sleeping so i might recover fast enough to do more writing. i was ALWAYS late on deadlines no matter how hard i tried.

eventually that job closed down in general, so naturally i lost it, but i know in my heart i would have had to quit within 6 months otherwise. that was late 2021. i've been unemployed since, with no disability because despite ongoing, regular visits with doctors, we dont know WHATS wrong with me, therefore i do not have a diagnosis, therefore i cannot qualify for disability in my area. yippee!

so that's the backstory! i started pain meds last fall and theyve helped A LOT. i can have fun sometimes! i went to pride this year for the first time since 2019!! there's definitely still something wrong, and lately i do believe it's still worsening (at a slower rate than before i was getting treatment at all), but i've gotten through a lot of the guilt for being 'an unemployed, unproductive human being' and have learned how to be kinder and patient with myself. it's not my fault i'm sick. it's not my fault 'my best' doesn't look like other people's. my family loves me not for what i can do for them, but because they just love me.

it's hard to feel your ability to Do Things slip away. how i cant go to amusement parks anymore bc the trip would wipe my ass out for weeks. how i cant even go to a barbecue next door some days bc everything just hurts too much. the simultaneous RESILIENCE you build, the tolerance for your own pain that makes you second-guess if it's even real. it took me so long to realize what i was feeling was NOT normal, that most people don't have to RATION their activities, their chores, their BASIC HUMAN MAINTENANCE to make sure you don't screw yourself over for tomorrow by being in too much pain to move.

today was bad. i had a really stressful day yesterday, and woke up in so much pain it was literally all i could do to sleep. couldn't eat, couldn't go to the bathroom, couldn't sit up, could BARELY speak. it was like my body was screaming at me, "we should be in a COMA right now, we should be UNCONSCIOUS, this is not something humans were designed to consciously endure." and that's WITH 6+ months medical pain management. it genuinely scares me imagining what this would've felt like today if i WASN'T on my meds.

i'm still very in the woods, but i'm trying to make the most of my situation! i'm open to questions if you want to learn more about this, as one of the biggest things that made me realize i needed help was OTHER PEOPLE being open about their chronic condition. it's not pretty, by any means, i've left out the grossest realities here, but i think it's important to share, in case i can do for someone what those people did for me.

thanks for reading!!!! i appreciate being heard on this too. it's scary, i still worry people will think i'm lazy or a crybaby, so it means a lot when people take the time to try and understand.

<3