#but now its really disorganized which i know ill lose points on. and i Know its not my best work

[silverislander]

something really fun and sexy adhd will do is block you from ever actually showing others what you're truly capable of. lol

[sylvies-chen]

is titling your metas too tacky? I don’t know but here’s some ramblings on

reading anakin’s arc in ROTS as a journey of mental illness:

I wanna preface this by saying I’m not a mental health professional so this information and analysis is not expertly informed. This is based off of very mild research that I’ve done as well as just my lived experience with how I’ve witnessed mental illness in the people I know and love. If I say anything that is ignorant, please do not hesitate to respectfully let me know.

••••••••

First off, it’s well worth establishing that Anakin’s main grappling moments before his true turn to evil in episode 3 were caused by the fear of losing Padme. And when you see the way the news of her pregnancy affects him, it’s really easy to see that news/piece of information as Anakin’s central stressor or trigger. So it’s very important to note that whatever mental illnesses I talk about here would also have been exacerbated by both that fact and by Palpatine’s influence and manipulation.

Anakin’s big outburst with order 66 and his fight with Padme and Obi Wan could all speak to it being an episode of psychosis. Psychosis can be triggered by something as mundane as an extreme disruption in sleep— which was true for Anakin from the minute Padme tells Anakin she’s pregnant. Interestingly, he’s had a history of sleep loss since AOTC too, briefly mentioning to Obi Wan that he doesn’t sleep well anymore.

Further, psychotic episodes or disorders will contain one or more of five categories: delusions, hallucinations, disorganized thought, disorganized behavior, and negative symptoms. We know already that both in AOTC and ROTS, he’s plagued with visions. (This one’s just obvious. Visions… dreams… hallucinations… Just because they actually come true doesn’t mean it isn’t a form of hallucination!! He’s seeing things that aren’t yet real!!!) But the twisted logic Anakin develops leading him to equate the mass murder of younglings with doing the right thing is akin to disorganized thought and delusion. His main delusion, obviously, is that he has to do unspeakable things and be a sith or else Padme will die in childbirth and this is the only way he can save her. This is close to what’s called a nihilistic delusion: when someone believes major catastrophes will occur if not for performing a certain action.

Now, sleep loss obviously doesn’t cause psychosis on its own but moreso is what pulls the trigger on psychosis in someone who’s been exposed to trauma or is already very mentally ill. That then begs the question: what are the broader underlying conditions to Anakin’s psychosis?

The most obvious answer is the trauma he suffered at such a young age. Anakin was the oldest youngling to have ever been recruited by the jedi. He had already grown to know the love of his mother, especially since it was the only true love he really had in his life up until that point, and then was forced to walk away from it. He also knew powerlessness, and knew the degrading nature of being someone’s property. Like even as a kid, you understand the lack of autonomy that comes with slavery. Oh, and as if that wasn’t enough, his mother had to be brutally tortured and killed! And as reckless as Anakin was at the beginning of AOTC, he wasn’t outright violent until then. Losing the first thing he ever knew to love and protect is a deeply scarring trauma, especially when it happens before you reach the age of twenty.

So trauma does play a significant part in triggering the psychosis in the 3rd quarter of ROTS, especially because having visions of losing Padme that were so similar to the visions he had of his mother dying, re-opened his trauma, sort of akin to retraumatization as often seen in people with PTSD.

However, many signifcant aspects of his character point not to PTSD, but to a type of dissociative disorder. We see so many small signs of complete dissociation in Anakin in ROTS, and hints of it in AOTC as well when he says he’s not supposed to be feeling angry, that there’s a war inside him, that he isn’t the jedi he was meant to be, etc. Already, he has a lot of identity confusion, a key component to dissociative disorders. To some extent, how could he not? He’s been pried from his mother’s hands and has been told by dozens of jedi and other people who he is and isn’t supposed to be since the age of 9. It’s not exactly giving him healthy and reasonable standards to live up to, nor is it giving him any room to embrace an identity of his own creation in any way. Before then it was Tatooine, and it’s not exactly like being a slave held space for him to really form and express an identity then either, apart from the identity of loving son. (The dramatic reaction to her death is starting to make more sense now, yeah?)

The depersonalization and derealization are very present in him, especially when he starts to confuse his dreams for reality/being set in stone and grapples with wondering who he even is anymore. Again, those two things are staples of dissociative disorders, which were likely set off and exacerbated by his trauma from childhood and youth.

Such a major component to the argument that Anakin has some dissociative disorder is the paranoia we see practically oozing out of Anakin’s pores by the end of ROTS. (Oozing like lava- I SAID NOTHING CARRY ON.) A huge part of the paranoia is Palpatine’s creation, because he wanted Anakin trusting no one so that it’d be easier to have him eating out of the palm of his hand. But extreme paranoia is indicative of mental illness, and you know it’s not a healthy and stable Anakin who’s shouting “LIAR!” at the love of his life and mother of his children, who’s lying to her hours before that, who’s distrusting of the man who, as he says in AOTC, is the closest thing he has to a father. Padme and Obi Wan were the people he loved most in the world, and so seeing the paranoia turn him against them is so heartbreaking, because it’s the true indicator that this is not the true Anakin we’re dealing with. We are not our worst moments. We are our happiest ones. And Anakin on Mustafar was not a mentally stable Anakin. Hell, with the dissociative disorder’s symptoms at play too, it was hardly even Anakin at all.

We also see partial hints of amnesia in Vader/Anakin, most notably when Palpatine has to tell him/remind him that he choked out his own wife. There’s such a devastating tragedy to Anakin asking “Where’s Padme?” like a dog who doesn’t realize he killed the crow he held in his teeth minutes before, and wants it for a companion to play with once more. But it also shows memory loss, a key component of dissociative disorders, further supporting the idea that Vader is of Palpatine’s creation, whom he metaphorically implanted into Anakin during his phases of dissociation to control Anakin and snuff him out, but Anakin’s love for Padme still seeps through in Vader for a moment and he doesn’t remember what he did. To this extent, I think Vader loves Padme as well. Vader/Anakin deep into a psychosis and paranoid rage, however, did not.

A clear pattern begins to form: the childhood trauma of slavery and of losing a parent led to the development of a dissociative disorders (which are often caused, studies show, by unstable and frightening environments in youth or just as a way to cope with trauma). Then, his dissociation sets off an psychosis episode, agitated by Palpatine’s influence and manipulation during Anakin’s most vulnerable moments. Thus, the fall of Anakin Skywalker through the lens of someone with mental illness.

I do want to recognize that people with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) are often poorly stereotyped as these very“Dr. Jekyl vs. Mr. Hyde” evil alter ego archetypes that are very harmful and not accurate. I do not intend to perpetuate these stereotypes any further. Identity alteration is a symptom of various dissociative disorders, not just DID, and so there can exist within Anakin that alteration of his identity to something so far removed from his original self during a dissociative episode or during psychosis without it necessarily being DID. To me, that’s what happened. Vader and Anakin, though treated like two distinct people by more than one character, are too enmeshed to be separate personalities. They aren’t the same, but it’s also worth noting that Anakin was able to do the right thing when it came to saving Luke. He never truly left. It was a matter of giving him a purpose, after having lost so many, to break free from the dissociative episode and the identity alteration and to return back to who he truly was, even at the risk of re-opening those old and painful wounds that time could never heal.

Finally, and most importantly, Anakin’s displayed symptoms of mental illness, his rage and trauma, and his grapplings with identity are not inherently evil things. Vader would not have even been so dark and so cruel a person if Palpatine hadn’t seen/felt/identified that space in Anakin for something wicked to grow and taken advantage of that, as people with mental illness often are. Palpatine planted the seed where something good or healthy could have grown, an identity that could have protected Anakin from his past trauma, from his visions, from himself, and instead Palpatine made it the thing that destroyed Anakin and everything he held dear.

And that’s a wrap!

If you’ve made it this far, thank you. I love you from the bottom of my heart and I mean that. You have thoughts? Share them! Comment or reblog or don’t be afraid to dm me!

TL;DR Anakin is mentally ill as fuck and somebody had to figured out what was going on in pookie bear’s twisted little neuron nugget

[cyokie]

Jack Vessalius as a Symbol for Depression

Ever since I first read PandoraHearts, I have interpreted Jack Vessalius as at least a partial symbolic representation of depression, especially in his relationship with Oz. 

(Skip to “keep reading” to go straight to the analysis; this beginning portion is little more than a disclaimer.)

Jack is a complex, fascinating character, and it is precisely due to this that I believe any number of interpretations regarding him contain merit. Whether you view Jack as an abuser, a manifestation of mental illness, or an extraordinarily-written character that does not require a figurative understanding to be interesting, I think this is valid. 

I am saying this first and foremost because I want to be clear: this is not a persuasive essay. I am not trying to change anybody’s minds about liking or disliking Jack Vessalius, nor am I trying to devalue any other interpretations of this extremely nuanced character. Some points may be a bit vague and connections disjointed, though I attempted to minimize this. Any discussion of mental illness and abuse is based on either my personal experiences or those of people I know. I do not intend to offend anybody. 

This post is simply the product of years of disorganized yet in-depth thoughts about this concept. I hope some of you will be interested.

Major spoilers for the entire manga below the cut. Manga panels are from the Fallen Syndicate fan translation. This...is going to get very long.

Emotional Abuse

Jack exists within Oz’s mind. When these two interact, it almost always occurs within Oz’s head, providing every conversation with an inherently emotional and symbolic element. 

Jack initially appears to Oz as an unknown but crucial figure. Whether he is trustworthy or even harmful remains to be seen, but his input is necessary. He is the only insight Oz has into his lost memories; he knows something Oz does not. Oz is suffering an identity crisis, realizing he has endured something he does not completely understand, something that could potentially change his entire life once he does understand it. And yet, this mysterious voice within his head understands it.  

This desperation makes it almost irrelevant whether Jack is credible, whether his advice is well-intentioned. Normally a rather cynical and distrusting young man, Oz follows Jack from the beginning despite wanting answers. He does indeed receive answers, but they are perhaps not quite what he bargained for, in more ways than one.

Once Jack’s true nature is revealed, the extent to which he has used Oz’s memories and emotions against him becomes apparent. Jack does present Oz with new insights into his experiences, but he only ever provides Oz with enough information to convince him to act a certain way. He never willingly gives a fair, all-encompassing portrayal of an event from Oz’s past. He manipulates Oz’s perceptions of his memories to fit a particular emotional narrative, one that is inevitably perplexing and demeaning to Oz. 

This bears a resemblance to the way depression warps how we view past events. When we look back at our experiences, we don’t see the entire picture--though we are convinced that we may. We see a skewed version of an incident that actually occurred. Perhaps this incident proves little to nothing about ourselves in reality, but viewed through the lens of depression, everything about it seems to scream that we are useless. And it is nearly impossible to try and perceive these events any differently, because when depression overtakes our minds, this perspective appears to be the only one through which it is possible to examine any of our pasts. 

By the time Jack’s intentions have been exposed, he is also explicitly emotionally abusive towards Oz. It is easy to recognize Jack’s statements as not only psychologically damaging, but disturbingly similar to what we hear in our own heads when suffering depression. Think about these assertions without the very literal plot elements that support them: Jack declares Oz less than human, insists that nobody loves him, and claims that he has no future because the only thing he’s good for is hurting those around him. He convinces Oz that he is useless, hopeless, and worthless. 

Jack drills these ideas into Oz’s head when he is at his most vulnerable. This is when Oz breaks down and becomes convinced that all of Jack’s statements are true. He is not who he thought he was; he never has been, and so his life is meaningless. 

This is arguably when Oz reaches his all-time emotional low. While it was already addressed that he had been struggling intensely with his mental health and was probably suicidal, up to this point, he always retained some level of self-preservation (however slight). Now, he silently accepts that the world would be better off without him and offers no physical or emotional resistance to his own execution. Jack’s words worm their way into his heart and corrupt his self-image to the point where his only reaction to Oswald’s sword swinging towards him is a blank, unflinching stare. 

Trauma Response

It’s not uncommon for Jack to manifest during catastrophic moments--that is, whenever a situation triggers (or comes close to triggering) overwhelming memories of Oz’s trauma. When Oz is losing control over his emotional and physical faculties, Jack often encourages him to make the trigger disappear using the quickest and easiest method available. Unsurprisingly, this method generally takes advantage of Oz’s extraordinary powers. In other words, the “tactic” Jack advises Oz to use is simply mindless destruction.

In the second half of the manga, Oz is at his least emotionally stable. It is not a coincidence that this is also the point during which Jack gains the ability to completely hijack Oz’s body. This development allows Jack to commit impulsive acts of aggression through Oz, while Oz himself retains little to no control.

Jack overwhelms Oz with unnecessary flashbacks to traumatic events and makes an excess of harmful connections between past and present circumstances. Oz’s panicked, distressed responses to this are tools he uses to further coax Oz into acting in a self-destructive manner. These tendencies may not only connect Jack to the concept of depression, but the concept of post-traumatic stress disorder as well. 

Identity Crisis

Although Jack is introduced extremely early in the manga, one of the story’s main mysteries is the exact nature of his connection to Oz. This relationship shifts several times, especially with regards to who is “in control” and who is the true “owner” of the physical body. 

Once it becomes public knowledge that Jack is “within” Oz, the identity of the former overcomes the identity of the latter in the eyes of the general populace. Figures who never before gave Oz a second glance begin to pay incredibly close attention to him; many directly address him through his connection to Jack rather than as a separate entity. 

Oz is deeply troubled by the way others ignore him in favor of an aspect of his identity that he feels does not truly represent him--an aspect of his identity that is at least partially out of his control. However, he is also relatively resigned to being judged in this manner. He lacks knowledge of how to change this circumstance because even he does not truly understand the extent to which he and Jack are connected. 

It is true that at this point in the story, Jack is practically worshipped. His destructive actions and devastatingly selfish nature have not yet been exposed. Because of this, Oz as Jack’s “vessel” is typically viewed through a positive lens. Still, this situation reflects how people with depression are sometimes reduced to nothing more than a mental illness by their peers. Because others do not understand (and mental illness is stigmatized), they start to see us as “different” in some indefinable but undeniable way, and our existence becomes that particular part of ourselves in their eyes. 

As time passes, the line between Jack and Oz becomes more and more blurred. Questions are raised about whether they are the same person or, on the contrary, whether they are similar at all. At what is arguably the climax of the manga, Jack declares that Oz’s body is, was, and will always be his possession; he claims that in reality, there is no “Oz,” only “Jack.” 

This thought haunts Oz intensely and sends him into a rapid downward spiral. Like the sentiments expressed near the end of the “emotional abuse” section of this analysis, the idea that Oz’s body belongs to Jack is backed up by rigid, literal plot elements. However, if we view this emotional catastrophe using a symbolic perspective, it is a representation of yet another common struggle endured by those with depression.

We come to ask ourselves who we really are. Was there truly a time when we weren’t “like this?” Could we truly escape this misery in the future? Who would we be if we were to stop feeling this way? Do we even exist without depression? Does Oz even exist without Jack?

Visual Symbolism

It is a classic literary device to represent hope through light and despair through darkness. The manga is rife with this exact type of symbolism, utilizing it to describe how the Abyss has changed throughout time, Break’s dwindling eyesight, and the oscillating emotional states of various characters. 

As I stated previously, Jack and Oz interact almost exclusively within the latter’s mind. The landscape drawn in the background of these conversations initially possesses a watery, clear appearance. However, as it becomes increasingly clear that Jack’s presence is deeply damaging to Oz’s psyche, this same landscape becomes overwhelmingly tainted by dark, ink-like shadows. 

Closer examination reveals that this “pollution” originates directly from Jack--and it reaches its peak once Jack’s intentions have been fully disclosed. Not only is Oz’s mind visibly corrupted by darkness, but Jack himself appears as an almost inhuman figure composed of these shadows. 

There is another level of visual symbolism as well--namely, the fact that Jack becomes increasingly physically aggressive and disrespectful towards Oz. In the first half of the manga, he primarily speaks to Oz from a distance, occasionally reaching out a hand in his direction. This is clearly not so in the second half of the manga, at which point Oz begins to defy his influence and it becomes vital that he subjugate him as quickly as possible.

By this time, Jack is almost always seen either restraining or caressing Oz. Even in the latter situation, when his touches are lingering and vaguely affectionate, they are possessive and constraining. In other words, though they appear different on the surface, both actions are ultimately methods of forcing Oz’s submission. It can be said that this represents his desire to gain complete control over all aspects of Oz’s being, as well as his total lack of respect for Oz’s physical and emotional autonomy.

It can be argued that both of these aspects of symbolism reach their pinnacle even before this point. Oz realizes his own worth when Oscar says he loves him and reveals that his greatest desire is for him to be happy. When Oz is at last able to grasp that he is loved and there is hope within his life, Jack immediately reaches out to grab him. And in one of the manga’s subtlest but most poignant moments, his hand crumbles to dust upon touching Oz. 

What follows is an extremely impactful display of Oz’s character development. He recalls Jack’s previous statements declaring his achievements worthless, denouncing the love he received from others as fake, and degrading his worth. Then he furiously rejects all of them, thrusting out a hand to push Jack away from him and consuming Jack in an explosion of light. 

The conclusion to be drawn from this is that Jack essentially lives off Oz’s misery. When Oz understands and is able to accept that he is not worthless, Jack is suddenly rendered utterly powerless. 

The manga culminates in a scene that coincides with this symbolism. This late into the story, Oz has succeeded in transcending Jack’s influence almost entirely, but Jack is not quite ready to let go. Though they stand together within a void, glimmers of light linger around Oz--despite everything, his life has come to be surrounded by hope and love. 

As Oz floats towards the path of light above, Jack reaches out and takes hold of his wrist. But his grip is feeble and hesitant, representing how little control he truly holds over Oz at this point. Perhaps attempting to provoke guilt or regret, Jack asks Oz if he is certain that he is prepared to move on without him, but Oz has grown too much to succumb to this manipulation. 

Without delay, Oz replies that there is no reason for him to stay, and Jack finally releases him. He escapes into the light--into a world full of people who care about him, into a life where he is happy to be alive. 

[aineryeo]

Prominence ௹ ATSUMU

The letters of the first few days when you parted ways 📨

Prominence: “Find someone great, but don’t find someone better.” You’d say to yourself, though it was directed to your ex-boyfriend, writing in a number of papers, serving as letters. Awaiting your impending doom.

Timeskip! Atsumu x Reader

Synopsis: You break up with Atsumu Miya in hopes to alleviate his pain. And for what he'd have to deal with. » 6.2k Words

Warnings: Depictions of Mental Illnesses & actual disease, Angst, Suicidal tendencies, Cursing, Atsumu is an impulsive bitch, so is reader. Read at your own discretion. Do not read if this has any sort of possibility to trigger you, more if you feel encouraged to do something you shouldn’t. This isn’t what the fic is about.

It was a rainy day, droplets of water knocking on the window of what was your empty room. It wasn’t a space you were supposed to be getting used to at this point in your long life. A faint tune of a piano was penetrating through your thin walls as you stared into nothing in particular, maybe the particles that become visible with the peek of sunlight through the gray clouds piercing through your window pane.

Your body got up, but you had a stinging migraine, your limbs were weak, and today was an off-day from your work as a bustling city journalist. No phone calls for a sudden need for your presence in your job. Your blanket was wrapped around you loosely, your feet navigating through your creaking floors. How depressing.

Empty fridge.

Messy bed.

Disorganized papers.

And clothes in unsuspecting places.

Your clothes. None of his. You can’t even reminisce about him anymore. Your migraine seems to have gotten worse. You spot one of the few things that were left organized. Your letters. You grimaced, the pain suddenly pushed to the back of your head as you were reminded of the contents.

“It won’t be bad to see him, at least once.” You reason to yourself with a small smile, it wasn’t a happy one. Nonetheless it was one. One reason out of many when you were always reminded that he was already happy, that Atsumu no longer needed you, and your relationship was a ghost of the past.

It has been for a month now, how else would it go, when you were the one who ended it?

Yeah, it was a bad idea to see him. You scold yourself for coming here, furthering your torture. You see him with a huge smile, bigger than when he was with you. Brighter than when you last picked a joke, at least that was what you thought. You dated him since you were sixteen, young, and fresh in-love.

“Tsum, baby, not here.” You vaguely make out, from hiding behind one of the tall bleachers near the exit from where their practice usually resided in. She was very pretty, her voice silky. You hear a rumbling chuckle in return, you feel your spine shudder at the familiarity. “Hm, honey where do ya want me ta do it then? I jus’ can’t resist ya.” You took your small window to catch a glimpse of them. The perfect lovers.

This was selfish, you knew it. But you inwardly cheered for him, happy to know that he found someone great. That he was happy, even if it was at your expense. Your eyes were glossy, dams about to break, so you walk away; like you always do, like you always did. Your mouth formed into a shaky frown, your fists clenching ‘till you were white-knuckling nothing in particular. White-knuckling all your pain, perhaps.

It was when you exited the establishment, into the car park, into your cheap second-hand car, did your tears fall; until everything kept breaking, your multi-functional tape to bar all your emotions inside, failing you for the umpteenth time for the past month. You were all alone, still clutching your keys to open the door to the driver’s seat. When you felt a hand on your shoulder, which made you jolt, you were too surprised that you didn’t get to wipe your residual breakdown off your face.

“Hey, are you okay?”

Your blurry eyes adjusted, and your heart almost jumped at the familiar face. You turned your face away from him, you were too ashamed to show your face to him. To the brother of the man you were still in love with. You changed your voice a few octaves higher, “Yeah! Thanks, sorry you had to see that.” Mishandling your keys before being able to open it quickly, though Osamu stopped you just as fast.

“I know it’s you, Y/N.”

You froze. “I’m not—”

Hearing a small laugh from him made you stop. “I think I’ve seen your car enough times before, with the same plate to know that it’s you when I parked right next to it.” Turning back, he already had his hand out holding a handkerchief.

“Sorry.”

He smiled sympathetically at your small figure, noticing that you’ve gotten smaller than you already were. More fragile. So he placed his hand that was roughly the size of your face, gently on top of your head to stroke it, hoping to bring you some comfort; roughly knowing the situation about you and his brother. How couldn’t he?

“It’ll be okay.”

It’s not. You recall, already sitting in your bathtub, not really crying, not really feeling anything of the sort. You exhaled as if it lightened your burdens. It won’t be.

You hum. Knees to your chest, “Not when...” You sigh, not now.

It was time for work, tedious work that requires you to write articles and camp out places at 2am in the morning, only to turn up and camp out at a different place again, just hoping for an interview for your channel. You didn’t feel like breaking down at all, but it felt like everything is typically more down. You refused to eat when your co-workers asked you to join them, you had no appetite.

You hadn’t for weeks.

A heavy feeling is always stuck inside you. Like everything is screaming at you, but you can’t scream back. You just can’t. Always heaving sighs, always staring into what once was blue skies, turned dull grey. Was it because you regretted having to let go of him? Or was it because of the news you had received prior to when you left him? Was it because the one time you felt like you couldn’t walk, the doctor told you that you had a few left; extend your life with a surgery that was high-risk.

Your hand ran through your hair for the umpteenth time, thoughts drifting to whether you should just end it quicker than what you had. What was the point? You failed to notice that your hand was writing on another piece of paper, as if documenting everything that ran through your mind. And maybe you wanted them to find out, when you’re gone. So you don’t have to face the burden of facing them afterwards and giving them any answers.

But you don’t want to ruin the happiness Atsumu had right now. He’ll blame himself, but this was all your fault. You ended it with a bad note so he’d forget you easily, you yelled at him, told him that he was useless, you didn’t love him anymore. You open your eyes, seeing yourself back at the situation where it all began, and where it all ended.

“Atsumu, I hate you.”

“Angel, what are ya saying? I said I was sorry! I’m tired from practice.” He replied, he was tired. He was stressed. You were stressing him. And he was getting rightfully agitated, it was working.

Your thoughts briefly flash to the days before, same old. You chose to do it days slowly, so it wouldn’t be too sudden; so he’d lose all love for you once you leave him. So you nitpick him again, even though it never really bothered you, “You always do this. Maybe we should just...” You swallow, it was like eating hard, bitter candy at once.

“What? Break up? Yeah, with your incessant yappin’ these days, Y/N, I wouldn’t mind one bit.” He said, looking at you with a harsh gaze. Similar to when some random fan begins screaming during his serving routine. You were nothing now. You nodded, if he had the right mind that time, he would’ve noticed that you were eerily calm; you were expecting this, why wouldn’t you?

“Yeah, break up.” You confirmed, with a somber smile. He hadn’t even noticed that more than half of your things were already gone from your shared apartment. You had one last suitcase, it was right beside the door. Atsumu failed to notice all the little things disappearing, so it wouldn’t be a surprise if he failed to also stop you before you hung your apron on the rack, turning the stove off, he was already gone. Into his bedroom, where he slept, too tired for anything his aching muscles couldn’t take right now. Your keys left untouched on the table before you left him altogether. Always, just always looking back with a heavy grimace.

The skies were the same color from that day, to everyday, same grey.

It wasn’t long before you found out he had a new love. Apparently an avid, and innocent fan of his whom he met during one of his morning runs in the park.

“What’re you writing there, Y/N?” One of your co-workers as of now, Akaashi Keiji, brought your head back up in the present. You hummed, folding the paper your hand subconsciously wrote in, and placing it in your pocket. “Nothing, really. My hand just kind of moves on its own when I think of anything in general.”

He smiles, sweet. “That’s endearing. Must be why you’re quite famous in the department.”

You chuckle, “I’m not famous, Keiji. If anything, this job just keeps giving me migraines. You’re the real MVP as a great editor in your dept.”

His hand was rubbing his nape, laughing softly with you. You stood up, supposed to get some water only to fall back down again. Your co-worker quickly catches you with worry etched in his delicate features.

“Y/N, have you been eating?” No, but..

“Keiji, I can’t feel my legs.”

It was showing.

You asked Keiji not to tell anyone, he in turn, asked if any of your family members knew this. It made you chortle, you said, “No. My grandmother died years ago, I’m an only child, and my parents didn’t last.” It wasn’t a funny thing, you knew that but it made you laugh anyway. Laugh at how pathetic you were.

He looked at you, on your bed at your home that he had kindly helped you in after calling your doctor from before. Saying it was that the disease was starting to become severe, causing your limbs, your legs, your arms, to lose its sensation. Slowly, you’ll become more agitated, and it’ll be harder for you to talk, or even move. Only your co-worker, and your boss knew for the time-being.

“You don’t have to help me. I know you’re busy.” You said, though weak, “I’ll only weigh you down.”

Keiji sighed, he knew that you worry too much about other people, he knew that you got lost enough to stop thinking about yourself. And it was sad, he empathized with you in the way that you were both overthinkers, though he’d understood for a while that you were more hasty with decision-making.

“No.” He said, simple.

You looked down at the blanket that covered your bottom half, your top half facing the big, musty, old window next to your bed. Facing away from Akaashi.

“Why?”

He was quiet for a few seconds, save for the usual noise from the surrounding roads. He looked up, before he looked back at your weak figure. “It’s just you—you’re all alone.” Walking around to the other side so he can face you. About to utter a tad more to his sentence, he stopped when he saw your eyes blown wide, a bit red at the bottom, a hard attempt to stop tears from falling. He didn’t miss a beat after, quickly crouching, and allowing your head to rest on his chest.

“So I thought you could use some company.”

You appreciated your co-worker, now close friend’s generous help. It’s been a few weeks, and you’ve been spending it cooped up in the hospital. He had also forced you to finally admit yourself so you can get immediate assistance in the case that something similar were to happen again. A similar event where he was forced to carry you to your car, and drive you home.

The cords stuck to your skin to hydrate you was a bother, but it was manageable. Here were your last few months alive. You still had no idea why you couldn’t just leave. You had no specific goal, you were bound to hit rock-bottom, and the least you can get is a few more months, maybe years of living if you get the surgery. There was no point, nothing to live for. You could work on your career, but what can you really do with legs that can barely stand, and… hands that can’t even pick up a pen.

The latter was the one that you cried to every night if you had tears to spare. The latter was the one where you try to continuously hit your head in hopes it can keep writing. It was such a simple task, why couldn’t it do its job? When Akaashi came to visit one afternoon, he had to rush and grab the sharp pen you had in your barely moving left hand, attempting to dig it in the skin of the right. Just to feel if it was still alive.

Then it was requested to have no pens, or sharp objects left near you without supervision. You’d call your friends, if by friends, you mean other than occasional visits from your co-workers that didn’t know much about your personal life; but still had the courtesy of visiting you nonetheless after hearing news from the boss, you’d consent to it since you were leaving the field. But he hasn’t fired you yet, apparently.

Sometimes it shifts, when your arms refuse to work, your legs will move for a bit, vice versa. A frown forms on your face when it happens to be both. Why couldn’t this just be quicker? You ponder, and hear the door open. Expecting the only person who visits you so frequently.

“Keij—” You stopped. He stopped. “What are you doing here?”

“Hm? So I can’t visit ya now?” Oh, his familiar tone.

“How did you even know I was here?” You said, a bit agitated.

“Asked one of yer co-workers.” He shrugged.

“...You visited my workplace? And they told you immediately?” You raised your brow, bringing your body up to sit on the bed instead. It was a feat on its own, but he’d seen your struggle, he was about to reach and help actually.

“Yeah, I had deliveries to make.” He said, leaning back. “And I may have made them slip it after overhearin’ yer name. Couldn’t resist my charm.”

“You’re ridiculous, ‘Samu.” You smiled, for the first time in a while. He could tell that it wasn’t a normal occurrence in a while, the thought of at least alleviating your stress for a bit eased a tide inside Osamu.

Osamu took his hat off, putting it on the table next to your bed. He was humoring you, because he didn’t want you to see the first look on his face when he confirmed that it really was you who's been confined here. Not any other person with the same name. He sat on the sofa beside you, next to the window. You’d lie if your heart didn’t clench at the sight of him, If you’d look inside, you’ll spot the tinge of pain; but outside, all Osamu could see was that you still adored him. By that, he meant his brother. He knew he might trigger you due to him being the twin of what was your love. Still is, he was sure.

Clearing his throat, your trance broke. “Y/N.”

“Hm.” You lay your back flat on the metal headboard covered in the white pillows of your white bed, in your white room.

“Why are you here?” It was true that Osamu had heard you were confined in the hospital while he was making deliveries to your place coincidentally, so he couldn’t help but perk his ears. Despite your break-up, he was still your childhood friend, and although he heard of the story of how it ended from none other than his brother’s dull voice on the phone that night he was closing up Onigiri Miya; he knew there must’ve been something that caused you to do that other than Atsumu himself. He’d investigate, and help rekindle the lifelong relationship you both shared if he wasn’t so busy himself. And if his brother hadn’t immediately used a rebound to inflict immediate pain upon you, maybe he’d have considered it.

“I don’t know.” You shrugged.

Osamu sighs, “You do. Tell me,” he looks at you with sincerity, placing his coarse palm from the work he’s been juggling in, on top of your pale, lifeless hands. Almost wincing at the cold temperature they held, “Please.”

You sucked in a breath, he placed his, what you assume to be, warm hand on top of yours. But you felt nothing. So you let it out, “I have Friedreich’s Ataxia. Apparently it’s genetic, uh, doesn’t allow me to use these flimsy things.” You glanced at your legs, slightly waving them along with your hands, “I can’t even feel the warmth of your hand right now. I mean, that is, if you’re warm. It’s always cold here. The doctors said they’d try to give me therapy and train me to walk again, or actually use my hands.” You chuckle.

“And something about heart surgery, though that won’t really extend my life for long.” You finish, opting to insert a joke that you thought was bright until you let it out, “Better than turning out blind though! Haha… Kidding, it may happen to me too, which sucks, by the way.”

Your rambling was cut off when you were met with an intense stare from Osamu. “And you’ve found out of this, when?”

“...Nearly 2 months.. Ago?” You gulped the lump that was stuck in your throat.

Osamu rested his elbows on his knees, thinking. “So that was the reason?”

You retained silence.

He sighs. “I knew it would be a valid reason, but I really wasn’t hoping it would be this.” His face hidden in his big hands, frustration was visible. But it was the breathy question of, “Why are the gods this cruel?” To which your eyes soften, albeit a little bit.

“Samu, can I ask a favor?”

He looks at you, face out of his palms. “Sure.”

“Can you… Turn the TV on?” He raised a brow at first before standing up and getting the remote by the stand, switching it on, immediately being greeted by the sports channel on Volleyball. Oh, they had a game today. He had nearly forgotten due to this new revelation from you. He looked at your face that was staring directly at the screen, then he saw the number thirteen, and his heart clenched tighter.

He placed the remote on the table beside your bed, and he took his black cap. He spun it on his finger for a bit, “I won’t tell ‘Sumu.”

You hummed again, before looking at him. “Thank you.” Then he smiles sweetly at you before turning around, his face immediately turning into a painful grimace. Because even he could feel the tragedy of this love.

Each day you were gone was a punch in the gut for Atsumu. His initial lack of reaction to his overreaction, trying to get back at you for leaving him. It was wrong. All he ever wanted was to call you, tell you to come back, have you in his arms, the lot. He’d miss the smell of your hair when he hugs you tight, or the clean apartment whenever he comes home to you beaming, cooking dinner; like his precious wife-to-be. Though he hadn’t proposed, the ring he bought for you started collecting dust in his drawer.

The girl he was with didn’t really last long, she broke it off after getting annoyed by him calling your name instead of hers on any normal occasion on impulse. His head in his hands, bed half-empty. His games gave him a little bit of adrenaline, but every time he sees the empty spot saved for you in his jersey, the adrenaline will scafe off, bit by bit. It’d be a lie if he said that he didn’t at least try to call your number in the past two months, he had actually, for a couple of times. But your number was unreachable, and your social media was non-existent.

It was like you weren’t real. Like a ghost. Sand that was slipping far from his fingers, his hold. His hold loosened in a moment of weakness.

To say his biggest regret was the night you left was a lie, because the biggest regret he ever made was never immediately trying to get you back. He was dazed off in the locker rooms after one of their games, his water bottle in hand. Hinata waved in front of him, Bokuto right next; to which his daze cut off.

“You okay, Tsum?”

He smiled, nodding. But his teammates knew it wasn’t the same for a while now. He was more rigid and tired in his movements. Probably not the kind of exhaustion that could be solved by sleep.

“Yeah, no worries.” Even Sakusa worriedly glances once in a while, he still cares, though not openly shown. Atsumu slung his gym bag over his shoulders after changing, he decided to visit his brother in his shop for now. He was walking out to drive when he accidentally bumped into someone, trapped in his little thoughts about you again.

“Oh—Sorry, didn’t see ya there.” Atsumu apologized, knowing it was his fault.

“It’s okay, Miya-san.” It took a few moments before Atsumu registered who this was.

“Akaashi? Keiji? Bokuto talks about ya all the time! Nice to meet ya.” He smiled, putting his hand out for him to shake. To which the latter man does. Oh, Akaashi recognizes him, not just from being his friend’s teammate; but from being your ex. He concluded in his thoughts by the few seconds they shook hands that he wished for him to not find out about you any longer. Thinking about the pain it would cause for both of you, especially him. They nodded at each other before bidding goodbyes and heading off to their own destinations.

Atsumu drove past the busy streets of the city, traffic holding him back a little bit. He was stopped a little bit in front of the city hospital. He didn’t know why, but his gaze lingered on the building a little longer than he’d like to admit. His left hand clutching the wheel, the other on the stick; Why does it feel like… He shakes his head to rid himself of ridiculous thoughts, seeing as the cars were finally moving, he did too.

Just as his foot pressed on the accelerator, his eyes landed on you. His eyes were the widest it had been, and this was the day he felt the most emotions since the day you left him.

“Y/N?” He asks, though his window was turned up and he was inside his car. He must be going crazy. Were you on a wheelchair? Was it really you? Or were his eyes playing tricks on him again, just like it had been every time he visited places he used to go with you. Or when he needed anything in particular, his first call in the apartment would be your name, expecting an answer back like you always had been.

He rolls his window down, and at that moment he swears your eyes met before you quickly changed vision. He’d run out of his car to chase you right now, if it weren’t for the honking behind him. Fuck.

He drives forward, and goes around to park for the hospital real quickly. Just to see if he wasn’t going insane by the amount of times he’d imagined seeing you again. He looks around the area, arriving at the greener part of the hospital, probably one of the places where they take some patients out for walks. Atsumu’s heart beats faster when he sees the same beautifully familiar hair, and angelic face he’s fallen in love with. He misses a beat, he stops, just plainly admiring; he notices your weaker stature, and your crest-fallen face. Paler skin, and limp limbs. And for that mistake, he fails to notice you were being guided in already.

He panics. About to bolt when he suddenly trips over his feet, and gets a bloody knee as the door closes. That doesn’t stop Atsumu, no, he’s dealt with much worse; one of which was the pain of not having you in his life. So he runs, and he sees the wheelchair you resided in enter the elevator; and once again, he swears, he swears, that his breath catches in his throat as he sees your eyes, and you see his.

And maybe he didn’t know, and maybe you didn’t know, but for the first time in months, you both saw colors.

“She was there, ‘Samu, I was sure of it!” Atsumu yells even in the midday of the bustling Onigiri Miya.

“Yer delusional as always, ‘Sumu. Ya should get yer head checked.” Osamu says from the kitchen in the back, there was faint squealing from the men and women alike in the restaurant. Feeling blessed for being able to witness the Miya twins in one sitting. And bantering, no less; even if it was over a girl.

“I can’t have mistaken it. I know when I see ma’ girl, Samu. Ya know it.” Atsumu groans, burying his head in his arms on the counter. “But when I asked the nurses, none of ‘em are giving me details. They say there ain’t Y/N L/N on their recent list of confined patients.”

Osamu was lucky he was working the kitchen right now, because he was low-key nervous of what to say, to not compromise you. How was his brother so close to it anyway? He wants to drive him away. He thinks he can agree with your rationale, but when he thinks of his brother’s side, wouldn’t it be more painful to just find out that you were just… Gone? His mind was splitting in half because of this dreaded situation, until Atsumu called him out again.

“Hey, ya scrub! Are ya even listening to me?” Atsumu lightheartedly yelled as Osamu’s heart softened. If anything, he didn’t want to see his brother bear the pain of losing you, permanently.

“Yeah, yeah. Shut yer trap. I have a business running here. Yer scaring off the customers.” Osamu says, getting out of the kitchen, arms crossed with a scowl.

“Help me, Samu. I just… Can’t bear to lose her.” Atsumu finally says, with a lace of evident longing. Osamu’s face contorts into a myriad of reactions that he couldn’t pick from. Before he settled with a sigh, and a lean on his forearms to poke his brother roughly on the forehead. A grunt of pain from the blonde.

“The only one who can help ya is yerself. If ya want to go find her, go ahead. Whatever your choice will be, don’t let it end with regret.” Was all he said before he went away to tend to the girls who were about to order, red-faced, and all.

Atsumu didn’t understand it a bit. How was that supposed to help him? He thinks. His fist digging into his cheek, face contorted into heavy thinking. It went on like that. He had no other clue, but he kept visiting the hospital, kept driving through, hoping he could catch a glimpse of you; to prove to himself that you were real. But for the first few days, he had no sign of you whatsoever. He kept bugging the nurses, or at least asking them everyday and ended up getting rejected again, and again, and again.

He sat in his car parked in the hospital on his free-day. As if a lightbulb turned on, he felt stupid for not visiting your workplace. They should at least know something about you, right? You were pretty well-known, and idolized in the industry. So he drove there, he may or may not have sped up a little more than he should but all in good purpose. He arrived there, and immediately knew where to park, the signature spot for everytime he comes to drive you home. Recently hearing that you bought a car when you broke up with him, made him sink a little bit. But he saw the spot was taken, eyebrows furrowing for a little before parking to the spot next to it.

When he got out, he noticed that the car that took your spot had dusting on it. As if it hadn’t been let out in a while. Or used. Quickly putting two-and-two together, maybe this was your car? The one you had bought? And if it hadn’t been used in a while… Then that supports his thoughts about you being in the hospital. His face shifted into worry. That must mean.. Whatever you had been sick of, was serious if you haven’t been using your car as often, considering your job was hectic.

He shook the thoughts off for a while, determined to find more clues about you instead. But he thinks the search suddenly became too easy when he suddenly heard a few gossiping women.

“Oh, poor Ms. L/N… She’s been hospitalized for a month now.”

“Really? Have you heard of any reason why?”

“I’m still unsure but I heard it’s chronic, and she doesn’t really have long.”

He sucks in a harsh breath. What? His ears perk up more to their conversation. He hides behind a wall, he assumes that they’re probably heading for their lunch break as a group right now.

Then a snicker, “I know this is kind of mean, but who’ll be replacing her now? Surely her position is up for debate.”

Atsumu’s face darkens at this. Stepping out of the wall as his big frame became all the more intimidating, “I mean, she’ll be biting the dust sooner or—”

“Shut your damn mouth, filthy whore.” Atsumu says with a sneer. Chin up, looking down. “Continue that sentence and I’ll see who bites the fuckin’ dust first.” A whimper, “It’s him again!” Shuffled feet, then they’re gone and out of his sights.

It takes a sigh, and a slump in his posture before everything sinks in. What does this mean? Is it.. True?

He shook his head, sure, you weren’t looking so good when he last saw you. You looked especially sick. But it was like nobody, not even the universe, had wanted him to see you. He thought back to the gossiping workers earlier. It’s him again? Atsumu hasn’t visited in a while, and he doesn’t think that he’s seen them… Oh.

Fuck, Osamu.

He could pass off as a professional racer with the speed he was driving at, only lucky enough to not have any cops tailing him. He was breathing heavily, his brother knew about you and didn’t tell him anything apart from that vague statement a few days ago? He couldn’t help the light betrayal he felt but in all honesty, he’d much rather force his brother to take him to you now. So when he arrived in Onigiri Miya, he didn’t waste a second dragging his brother out who was grumbling incessantly.

“The fuck ‘Sumu, I have a business to run!”

“No you, The fuck ‘Samu. You knew where Y/N was? Take me to her, now.” Atsumu said, foot on the ground, he won’t let anything come between his decisions now. Taking the bag of Onigiri from Osamu’s hand, “I’ll take this too. I’ll pay for it, I need to give a treat at least but we’re kind of in a hurry.” Osamu sighed, finally getting the gist of the situation. Deciding to spare his brother, he’d have to apologize to you later for spilling the beans. But he thinks he needs to let his brother let his feelings out as well.

“Okay.”

“No, you don’t have any other cho—Okay. Okay, get in the car.”

Osamu briefly yells at the part-timer he recently hired, telling them to take over for a while. To which they nodded eagerly, and so, the brothers left. Save for the quiet ride for the first few minutes. “...How—” Atsumu clears his throat, “How is she?”

A quiet beat, Osamu thinks of his answer. He settles for a passive one, “Okay.”

“Hn.” Atsumu grunts.

Osamu leans back on the passenger seat, “Just… Just make sure you don’t regret any of this.”

Atsumu raises a thick brow at this, “Why would I?”

“I think you already know why.”

He sucks in a harsh breath at this, and the silence remains. Atsumu reaches the hospital, parks the car, and Osamu leads the way to your room. Every step Atsumu took felt like the ground was shaking and trying to eat him whole. He wanted to see your pretty face again, your smile that could make his day whole and puff his chest out, or your hands that would comb through his hair and ask how it’s so soft when he bleaches it regularly.

So why was he seeing your writhing body under nurses yelling your name this time. Osamu breathes in, slowly understanding the situation as he quickly glances at his brother who was frozen. Both of them kept walking, until they were in front of what was supposed to be your room. Door open, and multiple people, trying to keep you alive. He hears that the doctor is coming, that you should wait, that you’ll get better in no time, at this point Atsumu didn’t know if the reassurances were for him instead.

When he sees your weak hand gripping the railing of your bed, he breaks. The bag of Onigiri long forgotten on the floor as he runs towards your bed.

“Darling, hey, hey, Angel, you—Yer okay, yeah? You’ll be fine, please be okay.” Atsumu says with shaky hands gripping yours, it was intensely cold, as if you weren’t even alive in the first place. He wishes so much that he was the one to give you warmth. “Look at me, you’ll be okay.”

And for the second time in a while, your eyes meet his, your weak, fragile, pretty little eyes; finally meeting him. The nurses noticed you calming down more, but your state wasn’t getting any better. They were initially going to let Atsumu out, but noticing the intimate relationship you two seemed to have displayed, they decided against it. More focused on bringing you back to life.

You had the heart surgery. You took the leap to extend your life, ever since you caught a glimpse of him a few days back; you just knew that the biggest regret you’d ever have is to never try. You told Akaashi when he visited that you were deciding on it, and he was supportive. He was really supportive. But you weren’t blind that it was a risk that may also shorten your life instead. Though wasn’t that what you were asking for, this whole time?

So maybe the time you got out of the surgery unscathed was the calm before the storm, it was the calm before this. But you were glad that even through your hazy vision, it was him that showed. It was Atsumu that kept telling you to look into his pretty eyes, and tell you that you’ll be okay.

Atsumu thinks that even in this situation, you were the most beautiful thing he’s ever laid his eyes on. So when the most beautiful thing slipped from his grasp, with no chance of clutching it back; his heart is torn, and burnt into crisps, non-existent flakes as his mind replays every memory he’s ever had with you, and how he was standing and watching warm, sunny spring turn into the ruthless, cold winter.

Osamu watched his brother break down in front of your bed, his own tears mixing in the lot, his cap covering most of his face. Another familiar figure that frequented visits with you, a solemn expression on his usual calm face. Heavy feeling on his chest, Akaashi approached the man who lay on his knees in front of your bed while the nurses that were scrambling to keep your life had promptly announced the date and time of your death.

Akaashi handed the box in his hand towards Atsumu who was kneeling with all his might, head on the ground, continuously asking for forgiveness from you, continuously asking for more time, just a little more. He hates this, he hates it. Because, when it sank in, you were gone.

The scene of your death. ⁆ To Visualize :) But instead of it being Kousei playing the piano, it's Atsumu when he plays volleyball, but when someone comes up to him, tapping on his back with a bright smile for an interview after the game; it's not you.

[twilightofthe]

Anakin Skywalker Has ADHD.  Here’s Why:

I’ve noticed during my time as a neurodivergent person in the Star Wars community that Anakin, a favorite character of mine, displays a lot of neurodivergent traits.  Other people have noticed this too; in particular, @bpdanakins has made a really in depth and detailed post explaining how Anakin having BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) makes a whole lotta sense.  I’ve got ADHD, so this post is gonna be about how I as an ADHD individual see Anakin Skywalker as having ADHD too!!!

Note: Symptoms of ADHD include inability to focus and disorganization.  I have ADHD.  This post is gonna be a wee bit disorganized and I probs won’t be the best at citing a million sources cuz I do not have the mental focus to do that right now.  Thank ye.

So, what is ADHD? (Complicated.  The answer is complicated.) (If you don’t want the general ADHD lecture, just scroll down to where I start talking about Anakin particularly).

ADHD, or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, is a neurological disorder that impairs the brain’s executive functions.  People with ADHD have trouble with impulse-control, focusing, and organization.  Basically, ADHD is a developmental weakness in how the brain manages itself.  I like to picture it like a filing cabinet.  Everyone else’s brain has a neatly sorted, labeled, and organized cabinet full of drawers that contain typical brain executive function commands.  ADHD people’s brains have a monkey in them that runs around screeching loudly, ripping labels off drawers, rearranging stuff, throwing the files everywhere, eating the papers and generally making a gigantic mess, so whatever you need to go to the drawers to look for something, it takes you ten times longer to find the mental command you need to do if it’s even still there-- and also the monkey is biting your leg the entire time.

People tend to say that this monkey infestation is a gift because sometimes, occasionally, the monkey will rearrange the papers in a different, special way that makes a beautiful picture that no one’s seen before and you can share it for the world to enjoy and everything’s great, you’re just quirky!  People tend to forget that it can be like that, but 90% of the time it’s more like the monkey has decided to take a massive shit all over the one specific paper you needed really badly and then put it in front of your foot so you step in it and don’t notice until people point out you’re tracking monkey shit paper everywhere.  Anyway.

ADHD is a complex condition and difficult to diagnose because it has so many different varying symptoms, and one person who has ADHD may experience none of the symptoms than another person who also has ADHD does and vice versa because there is a lot.  ADHD also tends to go unnoticed because it overlaps symptoms with a LOT of other mental illnesses an individual might have, so you might not even know you have ADHD if you’re also, say, autistic or bipolar, or again vice versa, because there’s a lot of “same hat” stuff going on there.  

ADHD also can have its own subcategories of mental illness that can also stand on their own, like ADHD-induced anxiety or ADHD-induced depression.  It can be really confusing to know everything going on in your head and put a label on it; for example for me, my doctors and I think I’ve got a separate anxiety disorder that works on its own that my ADHD makes worse, but that the depressive episodes I can suffer likely stem from my ADHD, and don’t need to be tackled individually or say that I have depression.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) has previously identified three subtypes of ADHD:

Primarily Hyperactive-Impulsive type: Mainly have impulse control problems, tend to be impulsive, impatient, and interrupt others.  They fidget, hate sitting still/need to be in constant movement, tend to blurt out what’s on their mind or do what they feel like without thinking it through.  They’re constantly up with the thoughts in their head and have difficulty focusing on a single task unless they’re in hyperfocus mode (explaining more later)

Primarily Inattentive type:  Are easily distracted and forgetful.  Tend to be daydreamers who lose track of memories and personal items with regularity.

Primarily Combined type: Tend to display a mixture of both symptoms.  I was diagnosed as a child with the combined type but leaning more towards inattentive.

Anakin and Signs of ADHD:

SO.  For starters, I see Anakin as primarily combined type with heavy leanings toward hyperactive-impulsivity.  While this type is used to describe the stereotypical hyper little boy media tends to paint ADHD people as, adults can have it too and I see it a lot in Anakin.  ADHD magazine ADDitude gives examples of adults with h-i ADHD as people who find difficulty in waiting around for anything, interrupt others in conversation, make impulsive decisions, and have reckless driving skills.  Sound at all like someone we know?

Now Anakin absolutely checks all of the above boxes, but it’s way more than that, though.  I looked up Healthline’s basic signs and symptoms of Adult ADHD, and I am going to run down the list to show how basically all of them apply to Anakin Skywalker in one way or another.  Let’s begin!

Anakin and LACK OF FOCUS:  ADDitude suggests that saying ADHD people don’t have attention might be a bit misleading.  More accurately, ADHD people have tons of attention, we just can’t harness it in the right direction at the right time with any consistency.  In canon, it is made very clear to us very early on that Anakin has issues with some of the more spiritual aspects of Jedi training, like meditation, because he does not possess the focus necessary to concentrate.  We get other times when Anakin’s on missions with Obi Wan, where it is made clear Anakin has read the mission brief, but he hasn’t done a good job on it as he’s overlooked something.  He gets distracted while in diplomatic situations and Obi Wan needs to tell him to pay attention.  Palpatine is able to pull sketchy shit because he knows how to slip under Anakin’s radar while he’s not too focused on him.  Anakin isn’t always aware of his surroundings, seeing as how basically everyone who knows him knows about Padmé because he’s not good at being subtle; he’s not good at reading a room.  Canon has established that Anakin, while brilliant, has a very flighty attention span and unless it’s something that is deeply important to him or made glaringly obvious, his brain has a tendency to skip over it, and makes him less aware.

Anakin and HYPERFOCUS:  The flip side of ADHD focus issues.  While our brains don’t always want to pay attention to important rules or other peoples’ emotions or basically anything presented to us that we find boring in any shape or form, if we find something we like, we LATCH.  ON.  And we cannot stop concentrating on it, up until the point that we lose track of time and ignore others around us.  In canon, it is shown very easily what Anakin hyperfocuses on.  He’s described in several SW books and is shown in show and movies to completely go into a zone when in combat mode.  He’s good at it, he enjoys it, and saber skills is easily something that he can concentrate and get lost in.  Another obvious one is mechanics.  We see briefly in TCW and bits in the movies where when Anakin is fixing something or piloting something, he kind of drifts away from reality-- he’s got an ear on the situation if there’s danger of course, but he goes just solidly into Tech Mode where all he concentrates on is whatever he’s fixing/piloting at the moment, and that’s why he’s so skilled at what he does.  It’s also possible to hyperfocus on specific ideas or opinions, which you can see in basically every argument Anakin ever gets into with someone.  He’s like a dog with a bone on a topic he wants to discuss Right Now This Very Second and he will not let it go, nor will he allow you to either, because when we hyperfocus, our fixation can bleed into conversation until it takes control of the conversation, without us even knowing we’re doing it, so it can be surprising/embarrassing when someone points out we’re doing it. 

Anakin and DISORGANIZATION:  ADHD people basically struggle with organizational skills.  While we don’t see much of Anakin’s living spaces, we can see from the brief TCW snippets that his living quarters are a little cluttered.  However, he does run a relatively neat army-- though we don’t know how much of that has Rex, Ahsoka, Obi Wan, or someone else to thank for it.  In Anakin, most of the disorganization we see is in his mind.  Priorities can be an issue for ADHD people, and Anakin tends to prioritize the wrong thing at the wrong time at certain points.  He doesn’t always know what to say or how to say it, making him awkward and not very eloquent when speaking.

Anakin and TIME MANAGEMENT PROBLEMS: An issue that goes hand-in-hand with disorganization.  We have trouble using time effectively.  We procrastinate on things we don’t want to do, show up late, ignore things we consider boring, and the idea of the future or the past is overwhelming and or scary to us and can cause panic-- we need to focus on the now and the now alone because if we try to cross that bridge before we get to it, we might end up burning it.  All throughout TCW, we get Obi Wan in particular, but others as well, harping on Anakin for showing up late.  And, uh, he kinda does.  He makes it, he always does, but it’s always at the last minute just when everyone’s worried he’s not gonna show up.  He sometimes doesn’t go to important meetings.  He puts off paperwork.  Lots of people use all of this to make fun of him, be like “ah, he’s a bad Jedi, he’s lazy”, but like, that’s standard ADHD time management issues.  And fear of the future?  Hoo boy...  Anakin may handle his fears of the future in the literal worst way possible, but that overwhelming anxiety that everything’s rushing at you so fast and holy shit, you don’t have your shit together NOW, what the hell are you gonna do THEN, holy shit holy shit everyone’s gonna DIE PANIC PANIC DANGER PANIC--  Like, I get that.  I really do.  Fear of the future and inability to manage time overlap a lot.

Anakin and FORGETFULNESS:  ADHD have a tendency to forget important stuff, but here is where I remind y’all that not all ADHD people experience all the same symptoms, because Anakin actually has a really damn good memory.  Boy is sharp, he recalls really obscure stuff, and if you piss him off/do him a favor, he’s remembering that to his deathbed. Anakin, however, does display what is common in ADHD people, having a selective memory.  This goes hand in hand with our attention issues.  We remember what we focused on and that sticks in our mind: hopes, fears, interests, stuff like that.  Anything else?  Eh, if we didn’t notice it then, we’re not noticing it five years from then, or even five minutes from then.  That you can see in Anakin, where people like Ahsoka and Obi Wan have to teasingly remind him of important stuff that he tends to just shrug off like “oh yeah that thing that I didn’t care about then and don’t really care about now”, or he feels guilty cuz “oops I didn’t notice it then so now I’m lost”

Anakin and IMPULSIVITY: Aight y’all, this probably requires the least amount of explanation for Anakin Skywalker cuz the Star Wars narrative calls him impulsive like every ten seconds xD  ADHD people with impulsivity can be socially inappropriate (Anakin, always managing to say the wrong thing at the wrong time, king of escalating tense situations because he blurts out whatever he feels like), interrupt others (something Padmé and Ahsoka have both canonically called him on doing, he does it to plenty of others as well, Vader does it all the damn time by just force-choking people silent), rushing through tasks (”Oh Anakin, always on the move”.  He does not wait, he makes up plans as he goes, he’s constantly in motion), ACTING WITHOUT MUCH CONSIDERATION TO THE CONSEQUENCES (Examples: The entirety of Star Wars episodes 1-6, Star Wars: The Clone Wars)

Anakin and EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS: Alright, maybe THIS is the one that requires the least amount of explanation, haha.  ADHD peoples’ emotions seem constantly in flux.  We get bored easily and need constant entertainment. (Anakin running off doing crazy stuff seemingly for fun)  Small frustrations always feel like the end of the world because it takes over our entire brain. (Anakin being “overdramatic/overreacting”)  The slightest sense of rejection or negativity towards our ideas or anything we do can read as total hatred (this is called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, it SUCKS) so we’re oversensitive about criticism of basically anything.  RSD also means we’re paranoid that we’re not noticing other people’s emotions, so we always tend to worry everyone else hates us or our friends are going to leave us-- we have serious abandonment issues. (Basically all of Anakin worrying about the Jedi’s image of him, worrying about Padmé and Obi Wan loving him, freaking out over Ahsoka leaving, etc.)  Our mind is focusing on a million things at once so our emotions run super quickly, causing what looks like mood swings because in the time it takes someone to get surprised, we’ve already gone through surprise, confusion, realization, betrayal, fury, and sadness and are now “randomly” crying in front of you (Anakin and his mood swings).  Focus issues make us not realize that something we’re doing is upsetting/bothering someone unless they flat out say it, so we may seem mean/inconsiderate/careless (ok, not excusing that part of Anakin’s personality is that he’s just kind of a dick lol, but other stuff that he does seems accidental; he doesn’t want to hurt anyone he loves).

Anakin and POOR SELF-IMAGE:  HOOOO BOY THIS IS GONNA BE FUN!  So adults with ADHD are often hypercritical of themselves, which can lead to a poor self-image.  I do this a lot, and I can’t really explain why, just that I am frustrated with myself and need validation from outside sources.  Anakin verbally expresses this to Padmé and Palpatine in Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith especially with all his “I’m not the Jedi I’m supposed to be” bits, how he constantly puts pressure on himself in the novels to be “the very best, I have to be better than everyone, I SHOULD be”, the conflict with that Chosen One label and whether he believes it or not and the pressure he feels from others to fulfill it, to be the Hero With No Fear when he’s fucking terrified all the time.  He’s relentlessly hard on himself for his failures and is always looking for an insult in others’ words (Like if Obi Wan gives him gentle concrit, Anakin will subconsciously tear it apart to turn it into how Obi Wan has found an error with all of him and hates him and Anakin sucks). For all his pride in his abilities, Anakin really does not like himself, poor dear, and seeks outside validation in Padmé, Palpatine, and Obi Wan.

Anakin and LACK OF MOTIVATION: Also ties back to focus issues again, if we don’t like it, our brain won’t focus on it, and we can’t convince ourselves to do it.  We can see this in times where Anakin has to be gently (or not so gently) prodded by Obi Wan or Ahsoka or someone into doing some Jedi business Anakin considers annoying.

Anakin and RESTLESSNESS AND ANXIETY: It’s described as our “motor won’t shut off”.  We always need to keep moving and doing things, and we get frustrated when we can’t do something immediately.  There are also bodily tics with fidgeting or frequent hand movements.  We see this several times with Anakin during wartime, where he’s practically vibrating over having to play the long waiting game instead of rushing in and getting the job done immediately (See: on Naboo where Anakin is pacing a hole into the floor and Obi Wan is telling him to kindly chill pls).  Part of his issues in ROTS happen when he’s worked himself up into a frenzy over sitting not knowing what to do over what’s scaring him so he jumps the gun and goes with the first available (awful) option.  I don’t remember if this is Hayden or if this is me projecting, sorry, but I always feel that when I watch Hayden in the movies, he always portrays Anakin as vaguely squirmy/fidgety, not really ever sitting PERFECTLY still, like he’s always moving some body part, fiddling with something in his hands or on his clothes.  In TCW and the OT especially, we see how hand-wavey he is when he talks, especially when he’s pissed, then the Finger Wag Of Doom comes out, but his hands are ALWAYS in motion.

Anakin and FATIGUE: It’s as the word describes it, we feel tired.  All the craziness in our head is overwhelming and we just.  Feel.  Tired.  We don’t see this as clearly in Anakin because all the Jedi seem fatigued, they’re fighting a fucking hopeless war, but it’s definitely there.  He has sleeping problems with his dreams and nightmares that spawn from his anxiety that could easily be ADHD-induced; they’re there.

Anakin and HEALTH PROBLEMS: Long story short, it’s basically all your ADHD issues making you neglect to take care of yourself.  We see how Anakin has unhealthy coping mechanisms, neglects sleep, and throws himself into reckless, dangerous situations.  He does not take care of himself very well at all.

Anakin and RELATIONSHIP ISSUES:  Ruh roh...  Aight, so all of the symptoms above can very obviously prove to be hurdles in professional, romantic, or platonic situations.  We can see how all the above examples in Anakin have in one way or another caused an argument between himself and basically everyone he loves (Obi Wan, Padmé, Ahsoka), people he has to work with (the Jedi council, anyone he gets assigned to on a mission), and anyone else.  He’s not called a human disaster for no reason, his actions can make him rub people very much the wrong way, and being kind of lonely and awkward and with not many friends is unfortunately a common occurrence in the lives of ADHD people (It happened to me, and I would consider myself much more of a pleasant individual than Anakin (no offense, hon), other people who met me just thought I was “strange” and that was that).

WHEW.  So yes, all of the above state my reasons why I think Anakin Skywalker has ADHD (as well as anxiety, but that’s another post).  Please remember once more that these are MY EXPERIENCES AS AN INDIVIDUAL WITH ADHD and that once again, NOT ALL ADHD PEOPLE SHARE THE SAME EXPERIENCES/SYMPTOMS

I will give the two articles I bothered fact-checking with below, the one from Healthline and from ADDitude

If y’all wanna talk more about ADHD!Anakin or any other ADHD Star Wars characters or just neurodivergent Star Wars character headcanons with me, my inbox and DM’s are always open, I love talking about this!!!!!!!!!

[transcriptroopers]

Why wouldn’t the military give u money to go to college if you join? That’s basically the selling point of recruiters at my school right now. It’s a very rural, middle class town. Even if u had good grades and were able to get into good colleges, no way would anyone be able to pay for it... unless you join the military, who promises to take up all expenses for college tuition.

Unfortunately, your story is the same as so many others, including my own. Based on your recruiter’s main selling point being free college, I’m willing to bet your town isn’t actually middle class, but working poor. The recruiters in your town know they’re facing hundreds of kids with no money and no options, which gives them a distinct bargaining tool. The shrinkage of the middle class is blurry subject now that anywhere between 50% and to 70% of Americans are living paycheck-to-paycheck, in a system where a modest emergency (

So for reference there are two types of G.I. Bills: the Montgomery G.I. Bill and the Post 9/11 G.I. Bill. The differences between them are technical and tedious, but the bottom line is that the 9/11 one is newer (installed 2009 I believe) and gives more stipends for books and housing and such. So while you only get $20,000 in total for tuition, you could be receiving up to $2,000 more per month for housing and cost of living. Assuming you use up the G.I. bill in three years, that’s $72,000. Until recently, the Montgomery G.I. Bill expired after 10 years of leaving service and the Post 9/11 expired after 15 years. This made the G.I. Bill a “use it or lose it” benefit that could be rendered useless if you took too long. It’s easy to say you’ll use it right away as soon as you get out, but a 2015 poll by the Washington Post reported that half of veterans polled didn’t use their educational benefits. 50% of veterans appeared to just ... not take a free $92,000. Why?

The military really does break you in ways that are hard to describe. They aren’t offering you “free” college; they’re asking for a transaction. They want your body in exchange for an IOU. That sounds dramatic until you’ve actually been in the military and been broken down into an object the government owns. They make service sound fun and adventurous but don’t tell you we have significantly higher rates of murder, suicide, sexual assault, substance abuse, domestic abuse, and an absolute legion of mental and physical ailments, many of which don’t fully hit us until after we’ve left service, i.e. when the trauma-inducing environment is left, meaning... when you plan on going to college.

The articles that describe these symptoms act as if it’s because of the turmoils of war-torn heroes returning from the front lines; to quote this article, “These men and women stepped up and sacrificed to protect our country and population,” but that’s horse shit. The fact is that veterans develop life-long illness just from being in the military. Even those who never see combat, never see deployment and don’t complete their full service. 

This isn’t about “the war” damaging our veterans, it’s about the military itself being traumatic to its personnel. Kids in their twenties with chronic knee pain and slip discs. Eating, sleeping, and addiction disorders. Exposure to toxic waste, burn pits, and radiation. Rocketing rates of opioid abuse. I can’t stress enough that even if you pick the most boring, safest job in the military and barely even touch a weapon, you’re going to endure completely needless mistreatment and substantial risk to your health. 

Meaning, even if you only put in four years, you might not be physically or mentally able to start cashing in on your G.I. Bill. You can’t take classes part-time, not if you want all of your benefits. At least one of your classes must be in a physical classroom, unless you want your benefits cut. All of your classes must be pre-approved by the VA as being relevant to the major you declare upon activating your G.I. Bill, otherwise you will be responsible for the tuition. Should the VA be late to pay the tuition for your school, you are responsible for the amount and late fees. If you fail a class, you must pay the tuition cost yourself, and if you owe the school money, you can’t receive your benefits. 

To be quite honest, G.I. Bill fuckery is what started our slow decline to near  homelessness: my husband got a D in a class, which is a fail, so he had to pay for the class himself. We were in a tight financial spot, so we couldn’t pay back what he owed. Because we couldn’t pay for the class he failed, he couldn’t take more classes, so he couldn’t get more benefits, so we couldn’t afford to pay back what he owed, etc. I developed agoraphobia after leaving service and took the hit to my benefits to take only online classes. Unfortunately, there was some paperwork mistake at the VA with my G.I. Bill, and I was asked to come in to address it. Being agoraphobic and with my husband working full time, I delayed far too long until I got a letter saying that I was financially responsible for the online classes. When I couldn’t pay for them, I couldn’t take classes, thus I couldn’t get benefits, etc.

The “Forever GI Bill” signed in 2017 eliminated the time restrictions, which did seem to address some issues. They acknowledge that for whatever reason, veterans may not go to college right after leaving service, which saves a lot of benefits from simply expiring. But unsurprisingly, the VA has been struggling to implement the changes. Innumerable veterans report their payments being less than usual or worse: being late, or not arriving at all. There are government agencies that exist just to write emergency checks to veterans whose benefits are not working. The VA’s inefficiency has been a joke for decades and the last few years we’ve seen wave after wave of VA corruption and disorganization being brought to light for the first time. So even if you do successfully enroll in college after service, there’s no guarantee that your promised payments will be there.---

To succinctly answer your question, it’s hard to predict when you might suddenly lose access to the education benefits you sacrificed so much to get. But most of all, I think, you should not consider college to be something you should feel compelled to get at all costs. The finality of saying something like “a poor kid who couldn’t go to college otherwise” as if a life ends because of it... even highly qualified people with four year degrees struggle to find jobs. The idea that college is salvation from poverty is a lie that corporations, including the military, use to exploit children fresh out of school. 

And even if it were the salvation they say it is, it’s still not worth joining any branch of the U.S. Military. Not only because of how poorly you will be treated, but because your participation in an organization committing war crimes and human rights violations is not justifiable. I realize I’m a hypocrite for having this point of view as I too was a penniless kid who joined for money and college, but no individual’s upward mobility is worth serving what is rightfully a terrorist organization. 

- Kingsley

[somewhere-insnowdin-forest]

World building for Destruction and Marigold?

of course nonny!

~~

Destruction

B A S I C S

full name: Error, God of Destruction

gender: Male

sexuality: Gay

pronouns: He/Him

O T H E R S

family: He has no biological family. At least, not anymore.

birthplace: The Antivoid

job: Destruction

phobias: Haphephobia, large white open spaces,

guilty pleasures: Observing Creation creating, without him knowing of course. He has a reputation!

M O R A L S

morality alignment?: Lawful Neutral

sins - lust/greed/gluttony/sloth/pride/envy/wrath

virtues - chastity/charity/diligence/humility/kindness/patience/justice

T H I S - O R - T H A T

introvert/extrovert: Introvert. Not a lot of people like the God of Destruction

organized/disorganized: Organized disorganization. It looks like a mess, but it’s an ORGANIZED mess.

close minded/open-minded: close minded. He’s stubborn about a lot of things.

calm/anxious: Calm. He knows his status, and his strength.

disagreeable/agreeable: Disagreeable. Creation and him can argue for DAYS.

cautious/reckless: Reckless. Downside of knowing his status and strength.

patient/impatient: Patient. Comes with being a God, y’know?

outspoken/reserved: Reserved. 

leader/follower: Leader. He thinks everyone else is too stupid, so he decides hes the leader now.

empathetic/unemphatic: Unempathetic. Comes with the whole “God of Destruction” thing, it’s better for his (already shaky) mental state.

optimistic/pessimistic: Pessimist. He’s a realist, but if Creation starts being all sunshiney about shit again he’s gonna lose it.

traditional/modern: Traditional. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

hard-working/lazy: Lazy. His job isn’t particularly Pleasant, after all.

R E L A T I O N S H I P S

otp: DestructiveCreation (DestructionxCreation), its mostly because of the whole “2 halves of a whole” thing they have.

ot3: DestructionxIrisxCreation, in my defense they’re cute!

brotp: Destruction and Lunar.

notp: I don’t have one, really?

~~

Marigold

B A S I C S

full name: Ill, God of Plague and Health

gender: Vaguely male

sexuality: Bisexual

pronouns: He/Him, but doesn’t mind They/Them

O T H E R S

family: Sick (illtale Papyrus)

birthplace: Illtale

job: God of Plague and Health

phobias: Germophobia

guilty pleasures: Bringing back ages-old plagues for shits and giggles.

M O R A L S

morality alignment?: True Neutral

sins - lust/greed/gluttony/sloth/pride/envy/wrath

virtues - chastity/charity/diligence/humility/kindness/patience/justice

T H I S - O R - T H A T

introvert/extrovert: Introvert. He’s not big on people in general.

organized/disorganized: Disorganized. He’s lose his head if it wasn’t attached to him.

close minded/open-minded: Open-Minded. Scientist, amiright?

calm/anxious: Anxious. He’s a bundle of anxiety on the best of days.

disagreeable/agreeable: Agreeable.

cautious/reckless: Cautious. It comes with the anxiety.

patient/impatient: Impatient. He likes to see results and FAST.

outspoken/reserved: Reserved. He’s an introvert, okay?

leader/follower: Follower. Leading is STRESSFUL and he doesn’t need that.

empathetic/unemphatic: empathetic. Until he’s not, which is usually when he’s bringing the Black Plague back for shits and giggles.

optimistic/pessimistic: Optimistic. He just wants things to turn out okay.

traditional/modern: Modern. He says “fuck you” to tradition.

hard-working/lazy: Hard-Working. But like, to the point where he Needs A Nap.

R E L A T I O N S H I P S

otp: Marigold/Rue because smol and tol rights

ot3: Marigold/Black Rose/Nettle

brotp: Marigold and Glow

notp: Marigold/Sick

[goodson]

Hello, I remember a while back you mentioned you used one of the meal kit delivery services. I was wondering if you had much luck with them? And how they were in terms of cost + amount of food in your opinion? I'm curious b/c with my history of depression and disorganization related to my adhd meal planning / cooking is hard for me. If you or anyone else has any opinion on any of the meal kit delivery services I'd love to hear ^^

hey!! this is going to be long i have a lot of feelings about depression + adhd + trying to eat consistently and thoughtfully

i find them really useful and honestly, if you have the means to pay upfront, they can be comprable to what i would spend in the grocery store. specifically — home chef is super affordable and easy, like $40 a week maybe. i stopped using it because i didnt love the recipes but thaaaats because im a picky bitch

at my most depressed is when i started using mealkits and it was amazing because it created structure that made sure i would actually eat. also, when i get in a really dark place, i become really afraid of everything even when it isnt logical. like im afraid to cook because it takes energy, maybe my back will hurt/spasm, maybe i’ll screw it up and i’ll have wasted my time, etc. meal kits are helpful because they remove so much of the guessing. most of them are three meals a week, and i typically got at least three servings out of each (unless it was like a burger kit or something of course). so thats at least nine guaranteed meals a week, then you can supplement with like. canned soup, frozen burritos, cereal, other easy serve meals

i will say i no longer use them but i still DEEPLY struggle with food prep/meal planning and honestly it absolutely does not work for me at all. what i do instead is block out time on my calendar for cooking/follow the occasional whim, and ill go grocery shopping for ONLY those ingredients. i found that if i tried to plan a full week i’d get way overwhelmed and give up and then end up with the ingredients going bad. i also easily get sick of leftovers so ive been concious of making meals that i could freeze without drastically reducing quality.

to lay it out more clearly: so i usually end up shopping smaller amounts twice a week and then immediately cooking when i get home, these grocery hauls are usually like $30 max. ill usually get ingredients for two meals im excited about (i genuinely love cooking! and i personally prefer cooking something exciting over more traditional/easy meals because i get passionate about it and then feel super proud, which reinforces this behavior) and then a few apples, bananas, some snacks, etc and thats been treating me really well. it also helps me stick to my budget which is great because im making a reduced wage right now and it is hitting me hard lol

last thing - to tag on to my point of how its been helpful for me to harness my passion for cooking: i have not been satisfied with any methods of keeping recipes so i experimented with ways that would make it easy to find things in a way that make sense for ME. most apps either lack features i want or, worse, lack recipes im interested in and have annoying features that make it difficult to add in your own shit. and i lose written recipes no matter what and i find looking through them really tedious. so i started using my notes app to record recipes that excite me so that when it comes time for me to cook i can scroll through or search like. “vegan” if im cooking for me and my partner, “quick” if i know ive been exhausted recently and dont wanna push it, etc. ive just been screencapping recipes and uploading the pictures and i know objectively its like a very Basic solitude but lowkey it feels mind blowingly useful to me

ok jeez sorry for rambling this is just something ive been spending a lot of time and energy on and i have a lot to say. good luck!!! its hard but u got this. find ways to hold yourself accountable. use a calendar or set a timer or draft a friend to do it with you - one of the benefits of the mealkits specifically is u can hook people up with that entry discount and then make it a Thing you do together. or if you have roomates, you could all pitch in to a family meal plan so it can be a shared experience. set yourself up for success in as many ways as you possibly can!

[dekiiru]

okay sorry it took so long for me to write and post this, but im home now and in the silence to be able to gather my thoughts and the peace to be able to write them down. a lot of this is me working through my own thoughts as i write it so im sorry its so long, but im still a little bit confused on how to feel about this, largely, i think, due to shock.

i had no clue about almost any of the stuff julie did or said to people. i knew of the miles thing to some extent (i didnt know why miles was uncomfortable with him, i only knew about the aftereffects) and i knew about the vague story surrounding why maddy, jay and marina didnt like him, although i had never actually spoken to them before.

my initial reaction to the callout was to get defensive, because that was someone i considered my friend and although somewhere i think i knew or had some inkling that he was like this, i chalked it up to mistakes and people jealous of his popularity because i wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. but the more i read the callout (i never finished it, partially because i had to take screencaps of the posts and painstakingly slowly read through them because the nature of my work makes it very difficult to focus on things for more than a few seconds at a time and partially because by the time i stopped, i had already made my decision regarding him) the more i realized that defending his actions isnt something i can, should, or would do.

and regarding the “sc/hool sho/oter” post, i live in america. in fact, i lived about 5-15 minutes away from where one of these sc/hool sho/otings happened (i lived for several years in roseburg, oregon, and the sh/ooting at u.c.c. happened a year or two after i moved to where i live now). i knew people who went there. i knew one person who died. the day it happened i broke down in the middle of marching band because i had no idea whether or not the friends i knew for three years were alive or dead and that fucking terrified me. and when it happened, i told julie over discord (because i was working when i heard about it) that i did not condone his actions or words and that it was wrong of him to say, but (and i still stand by this), it is not the place of anyone who was not even indirectly affected by a shooting to decide whether or not someone is worthy of redemption. no, julie should not have reblogged that post and while it is totally fine for you to be uncomfortable to interact with him because of it, i think only people who have been directly affected by sc/hool shoo/tings have the right to decide if he is worthy of forgiveness - for that. the rest of it is a different matter.

a few months ago i actually went through this with someone else. i wrote a callout post for daisy, a mercy blog in the overwatch fandom who deleted shortly after i wrote it. (if any of you want to see that callout, let me know and ill send it to you. i will admit here and now that there was something i shouldnt have added in there, but it was added with good intentions, but regardless, daisy’s callout really has nothing to do with the situation with julie and nothing to do with what is happening now. shes gone. im just making a connection to this situation.) it was a very similar situation; manipulation, hypocrisy, turning people against others, saving face and caring more about reputation than anything else. and while i was absolutely terrified of daisy’s situation happening again, where i get really really close with someone and then find out they manipulated the fuck out of me, i was also scared to lose friends, and i think thats a big part of why i wanted so badly to match or whatever, because i really really really wanted a place to belong, where i felt special and unique and yet part of a group and in the end that really fucked me over and made me blind to what was happening. i defended him (albeit not for long, ive only spoken to him for a few months now) for things i shouldnt have defended him for because i was terrified of losing people and im so sorry about that.

as for the callout itself: i will say that i do think there are two sides to every story. im not saying julie is a victim in this or that he is to be sympathized with, because at the end of the day, he hurt a lot of people and its good that the word was spread before more people got hurt. i dont agree that it is “a cis persons responsibility to make sure people know they are cis” because that kind of mindset will only lead to a witch hunt, but im not going to make a fuss about this because i know some other genderqueer people are more uncomfortable about cis people than i am and at the end of the day that is a personal opinion. i think some of the callout was worded with bias which probably, in some situations, did slightly twist the truth, ONLY because it is a callout and it is really difficult not to twist the truth in them even when they are written as formally as possible, HOWEVER while most of the time i disregard callouts (because a lot of them are written entirely based on personal bias because someone doesnt like someone else rather than on an actual need for people to be warned), this one was written very eloquently and very well. as someone who has been on that side of things, im really really proud of the people who contributed to it, especially those that werent afraid of giving their names out, because that is a really really hard thing to do, especially when its for someone really popular. i remember when i wrote one for daisy, i was almost sick to my stomach with the anxiety, and really pleasantly surprised when it was received much better than i expected. i am really proud of you guys, and thank you for letting me and everyone else know the truth of what happened.

however, that callout was not an attack, nor was it intended to be, and by people sending julie hate, youre just making the situation worse. i believe, in my personal opinion, that the best thing to do is to block and move on. we can come together as a community, and while julies actions wont go away, hopefully we can heal and understand from them. and i really want to thank manny for that post, because similarly to daisy, it is the people closest to the person in question who are left most in the dark. as julies friend, i had no idea about almost anything that was there and honestly, im glad now that i do. thank you for understanding that the people who associated with him are not always aware of what he did.

anyway this is really disorganized and im sorry, thats just my thoughts on the matter (as much as i can think anyway), and i hope it makes some sort of sense. i will be hardblocking julie on all of my blogs and changing the urls to both my izuku blog and my ouma blog and my icon for this blog. if you choose to continue to interact with julie, thats on you and i wont reprimand you, block you or unfollow you for it. please do not associate me with him anymore, though, add me to any groups anywhere with him, or tag me and him in the same posts.

and, as i said before, because i really want to get this point across, if you are uncomfortable with me because i interacted with him so much and so intimately and wish to hard or softblock or unfollow me, that is perfectly fine and i understand completely. i only ask if you softblock me that you let me know so that i dont accidentally follow you again, because i dont want to make anyone uncomfortable with my presence.

[opalai-pixel-witch]

It´s a me again! :D

 “Heya!! I’m so sorry it took me a while to get to this message, college and real life stuff has been kicking my ass ;;_;; I’m glad to hear that things are going well for you!!”

– I so sorry too! I have a lot of work and no time to answer you, I love talking with you about HH and MS but the life is heavy :,c

I was waiting they correctedmy proyect, and now I have to share them my progress :,D 👍

  “I mean…isn’t she? |D Jokes aside I agree with you, since the only talk of skating she’d done in the game was casually acknowledging the others’ obsession with it :P Still, I am super tempted to draw Pesto skating at some point >.>”

 –When you want, draw her, I’d love to see her

  “That reminds me of a weird headcannon I’ve been thinking about—I feel like with her being in charge of diseases and stuff, she has the power to remove an illness along with her ability to inflict it :o Maybe I’m just being dumb, but I thought it’d be cool…and yeah, I can totally picture that |D”

 – Maybe Pesto has that ability, although I can’t think of what she would use it for, unless she use it like a threat, like one of the paranormal investigators captures her friends and she makes him sick so he liberate them and if not liberate them, he will suffer the disease and if he liberates them, he will recover.

I wonder if she can kill, I have this doubt from MS where Death can’t kill and says “he wasn’t due” after killing Samon Guy, but War was killing gangsters, although that can be justified with the fact they were in a shootout and so it was time for them to die. And in HH we have Fam killing little Ramsey, I can only justify that with:

♦ Fam is capable of breaking the rules in order to carry out Satan’s orders;

♦ Or if you find are in another hell, horsemen can kill you even if it isn’t your time;

♦ Or the only world matters to them is humans world and if they kill beings from other worlds, it doesn’t matter, because they run the humans hell (in HH they make it clear that there are different hells for different creatures)

  “I dunno if I’d label the horsemen as dead though, I think they’re just some weird immortal entities :P”

 – About “the horsemen are already dead”I took from Death’s twitter, I have several headcanons from there. There he makes jokes like he is living the best moment of his death, for example XD

https://twitter.com/Death_4_Lyfe

;)

  “If dA is becoming deserted now, that only means their Eclipse scheme has failed =A= I wonder how long they’ve been banging their heads against the wall in regret…”

 – Sometimes that I think that all of Eclipse thing was a conspiracy from how bad it turned out, the owner of DA changed a few years ago, I wouldn’t be surprised if the new owner is the competition or he wants to sell the domain to someone else.

They took all the good things out of the page like: the search for groups by name and the counter to know in how many groups you shared the drawings, I have to multiply 2 x n to know it and obviously that gives me lazy and boring; the images are so big, if I want to find a folder that is the latest, I have to minimize the page, in fact, I use minimized DA; the only good thing they had, to look which groups are full, they took it out with an update! >:( >:( >:(

And it has several bugs: the images are repeated and if you try to save several images in a folder, less than half will be saved and that will force you to repeat the same annoying process over and over; and I hate that, when I open a list, it closes by itself because it doesn’t have the mouse over it! I mean, the only way to see a list is to scroll down with the mouse, but what if it leaves the list? “Oh, what a shame”, repeated the proses

  “I’ve also been looking at comics on Webtoons lately, my favorite one there is probably Clinic of Horrors :o”

 – In Webtoon I have read “Love advice from the great duke of hell ”, “Meow man” and “As per usual”, my favorite is the 1st one :3

  “Your new drawings are (as always) sooo cool!!!! O.O War looks super badass, and the one with Death casually approaching Sam is funny |D I also love the comic with his dad and Cobbles, the “you will have to believe me” line made me lose it >o>”

 – Thanks! ^^ Your drawings are AWESOME too! :D ♥

I still have several ideas, but 1st I need free time to make them :,)

Some drawings here ;v :

https://sta.sh/22aj2xyaqwj3?edit=1

-Your ultimate drawing: “Cannibalism” X,D 

Love our boi! ♥

“I see o: I can definitely picture her as the weapons-handler of the group! Odd thing, though—I don’t think Milky actually had any weapons in the game…unless his pockets are somehow bottomless and he keeps them in there :P I can also see the motivation for them going after Salmon Guy—after all, he has encountered one of the horsemen firsthand! The best witness for them would be Sam with all his new info, but of course because he’s the ultimate rich kid it would be super difficult for them to get to him |D”

 – It wouldn’t be strange Milky has infinite pockets like the Mask XD

I thought of Bat-dug as a supplier of weapons and special equipment cuz, at the beginning of HH, she tells Milky that she and Red eye have weapons, which makes sense, yes you’re going after War you aren’t going to use your fists or a twig XD

She has infinite pockets, obviously ;)

  “Haha yeah, Pesto would have to go to that Valhyr site constantly to translate everything >u>”

 – Pesto: Bjorn, you think you are so funny, you little…

XD

————

Aaaahhh life can be dumb and bad, I know that all too well >A> It’s great to hear from you again!

I’ll be sure to do that when I have time ^_^

Yeah, maybe something like that o: I was thinking that we don’t really know if anyone else has the power to make people sick, so if some entity out there was like that they might do that and try to interfere with her work somehow and she’d just be all “no STOP that you idiot” and undo it or something :P It’s kinda hard for me to describe, but it’s something like that? Of course her job is the exact opposite of healing others so she probably wouldn’t use it all that often >_>

Yeah, those theories sound about right :o I think that all the horsemen are capable of killing (and also resurrecting as we’ve seen with Death and Pesto), but they’re only allowed to do it when the job requires them to and they risk being penalized somehow—usually with Hell Jail—if they do that of their own accord. I feel like it was a rather desperate situation in Hell when Odin went on his rampage, and Satan didn’t have enough time or patience to instruct Famine on how he could handle it. And so, Famine being his usual cringy and edgy self, took it to extremes and get Ramsey killed…so I think we can chalk that incident up to recklessness and a lack of preparation.

Oh yeah, I’ve looked through both his and Pesto’s accounts before but I guess I forgot about those :P There do seem to be some cases of early installment weirdness, though…like, apparently back in 2017 they were addressing Pesto with he/him pronouns??? I ain’t saying I got a new headcanon…but I do…maybe?

It seems that they tried to give it a smoother or cleaner look, but not only does it look totally boring—it’s also super inconvenient to use! Yaaaaay!! -______- Along with what you’ve mentioned, they’ve made browsing stuff super difficult. Why, oh why aren’t we allowed to search through categories anymore??? This is only making the creepier artworks harder to avoid ;;A;; Plus everything feels so slow and disorganized…dA has truly died by its own hand =A=

Hmmm, I may have to check those out! I would like to get in the habit of trying new things but my comfort zone is just so…comfy >o>

THE OTP IS BACK! ^o^ Protective War is so cool—and we all know Death would do the same for her >u> And that drawing of Death and Lil Foxbro is so adorable!! And it’s also super cool to see Sam, Bjørn and Cassiel hanging out together ^_^ My poor son though ;-;

I’m glad you liked the caption |D I was thinking about making it more dramatic, all like “OH NOOOO!!!! BJØRN IS A CANNIBAL!!!!” but I decided not to do that :P Nothing but love for the little pumpkin pie ^_^

You know, that first scene with him where he’s spying did make me wonder…he had his tracker-thing in one hand and a coffee in the other, and then he somehow takes his goggles off at the end?? Maybe he does have limitless pockets… (making secret plans to steal Milky’s coat later)

That makes sense to me :o But I wonder why Milky didn’t have a weapon—even if he’s going to Helheim, a presumably peaceful afterlife, these are still the horsemen he’s dealing with…there’s definitely some infinite pocket action going on >_>

Bjørn: Don’t hurt me, I am just baby c:

[curlyshepards]

LITERALLY i want all of them for curly shepard

IM SORRY TO THE MOBILE USERS WHO THIS WILL NOT APPEAR UNDER A READ MORE FOR

What does their bedroom look like?

idk why i’m such a firm believer of this BUT: tim and curly share a room, so typically half of it is clean and the other half (curly’s half) is a fucking mess all the time

Do they have any daily rituals?

every day for lunch at school him & his friends just go under the bleachers and drink. unfortunately curly has no limits so when lunch is over he usually just ends up ditching the rest of the day to go continue drinking somewhere else

Do they exercise, and if so, what do they do? How often?

he doesn’t make a conscience effort to exercise, but he walks basically everywhere when tim has the car. so he’s in pretty good shape bc of that & bc of fighting

What would they do if they needed to make dinner but the kitchen was busy?

curly has never made dinner a day in his life and will never make an attempt to nor does anyone want him to. if theres nothing already made at the house he’ll either just go without or go to the diner

Cleanliness habits (personal, workspace, etc.)

he’s a generally messy person, but he takes pride in his looks so he takes care of himself. he’s always clean shaven and smells really good. his room, however, is a disaster scene

Eating habits and sample daily menu

usually not awake for breakfast, and for lunch he’ll scrap up whatever he can find in his house (probably ends up being a sandwich or cereal) and for dinner he’ll follow tim somewhere and make him buy him dinner. he loves eating at the diner and never underestimate his ability to eat breakfast meals at 11 o clock at night

Favorite way to waste time and feelings surrounding wasting time

his sole reason for going to school is to waste time (thats what he tells everyone at least but its rlly because tim will not let him drop out) but if hes not in school then he’s probably just walking around his neighborhood w/ his friends or hanging out at the strip trynna start fights

Favorite indulgence and feelings surrounding indulging

dont.....really know what this means. all im thinkin about is that chocolate stuff. but he likes chocolate so lets go with that. he could eat 50 kit kats in a row, probably

Makeup?

makeup sex? absolutely. he’ll start a fight with his boo just for the sex

Neuroses? Do they recognize them as such?

i honestly dont see him having a mental illness

Intellectual pursuits?

intellectual isn’t really his thing. BUT  i can see him really liking labs and stuff

Favorite book genre?

he hATES reading, but mostly because he’‘s dyslexic and he was brought up thinking that he was dumb bc he had trouble reading. ponyboy is the one that ends up helping him, though, and sometimes he’ll read to curly (action books bc they’re the only ones that’ll keep curly’s attention. there are numerous times he regrets the decision bc curly cant keep quiet for more than a few minutes.)

Sexual Orientation? And, regardless of own orientation, thoughts on sexual orientation in general?

(i can already see the purly supporters @’ing me yikes) but PERSONALLY i think he’s straight. idk what this means by thoughts on s.o. in general but im bisexual ??? idc about sexual orientation ??

Physical abnormalities? (Both visible and not, including injuries/disabilities, long-term illnesses, food-intolerances, etc.)

he’s got a lot of scars, mostly on his knuckles but a few up and down his arms. he’s deathly allergic to seafood but doesn’t care bc it looks gross to him anyway.

Biggest and smallest short term goal?

biggest: honestly just making it through another day is an achievement to him

smallest: he swears that one day he will beat sodapop curtis in a drag race

Biggest and smallest long term goal?

biggest: being as respected as tim is when he’s older

smallest: he will own a puppy at some point

Preferred mode of dress and rituals surrounding dress

white t-shirt, jeans, tennis shoes, and if its not too hot then a leather jacket. he hates jean jackets tho and WILL make fun of anyone who wears them

Favorite beverage?

beer. but also pepsi. hes weird.

What do they think about before falling asleep at night?

we’re about to get deep. on good nights he just thinks about his day. there’s never a boring time with him, so he’s always got a lot to think about. he could be thinking about a girl he’s met or just hooked up with, or about what his friends got into. on bad nights though, he thinks about his dad and how he never got to know him. he thinks about how maybe he’ll never be like tim, and he’ll never be the brother that angie falls back on (that doesn’t bother him as much as it should, but it still pops into his mind) the number one thing that keeps him awake is never amounting to the shepard name

Childhood illnesses? Any interesting stories behind them?

just stupidity. he broke a lot of bones, needed a lot of stitches, and was bed bound too many times to count. there was one incident that tim loves to tell: the first time curly got into a fight. the guy was two times bigger than curly, but he didn’t care. the fight was done in 5 minutes, and curly had his first broken nose

Turn-ons? Turn-offs?

turn ons: i can see him really liking outgoing girls/ girls that are upfront. also neck kisses, collarbone kisses, hair pulling, back scratching

turn offs: daddy kink (seriously, its gross, stop forcing this on my son. he already has enough daddy issues) but nothing else really he will do basically anything

Given a blank piece of paper, a pencil, and nothing to do, what would happen?

either a very crude & poorly done drawing or a sign that says “curly is the hottest shepard”

How organized are they? How does this organization/disorganization manifest in their everyday life?

he is NOT. it doesnt really bother him that hes disorganized, but it drives tim up the wall. he’s always getting onto curly for being a slob

Is there one subject of study that they excel at? Or do they even care about intellectual pursuits at all?

he doesn’t really care, but since he’s forced to go to school he might as well enjoy something, which ends up being the labs in science. he likes the dissections, mostly, but he thinks looking into the microscopes are cool too (mostly bc him and his friends make shapes out of the slides)

How do they see themselves 5 years from today?

alive, hopefully

Do they have any plans for the future? Any contingency plans if things don’t workout?

he kinda just takes it day by day and doesnt care about the future. hes a strong believer that things will fall into place if theyre supposed to happen

What is their biggest regret?

probably being too emotional and not toughening up enough when he was younger

Who do they see as their best friend? Their worst enemy?

SO this is an OC but his best friend is a guy in the gang named brian. his worst enemy is also in the gang and his name is jimmy and he fucking hates that kid.

Reaction to sudden extrapersonal disaster (eg The house is on fire! What do they do?)

he’s probably the one that caused the disaster, so he immediately tries to fix it on his own. which usually works, but it leaves a mess behind that he’ll attempt (and fail) to cover up. a few hours later he’ll get chewed out by tim.

Reaction to sudden intrapersonal disaster (eg close family member suddenly dies)

so lets say tim dies. tim is the only person that curly is really close to, because if there’s one thing that he learned from his brother it’s to never let anyone too close. but he always thought that tim would be there for him so he worshipped him. but ANYWAY tim dies and curly shuts down. i can honestly see him losing it bc tim was all curly ever knew, he was always there to fix the mess curly got himself in and now he’s just kinda alone in the world. he’d still have the gang, but they’d remind him too much of his brother, so he’d eventually cut ties with them. it’d take a major, new person to bring him out of his stump, and thats if he ever really brings himself back to normal

Most prized possession?

the hand-me-down leather jacket tim gave him

Thoughts on material possessions in general?

doesnt really care about them bc he doesnt have a lot. he likes the things with meaning, but couldnt care less about expensive & nice things

Concept of home and family?

hes VERY family oriented and a huge mama’s boy, but he hates his step dad. he’d do anything to protect angela and anything that tim asked him. family always comes first with him

Thoughts on privacy? (Are they a private person, or are they prone to ‘TMI’?)

it kinda depends. on his sexual life hes really TMI, but about emotions and family and secrets he’s really private. you could count on one hand the amount of people that he’s told private stuff to, and even then they don’t know the full story. i think the only people who would ever truly know him are tim and his significant other

What activities do they enjoy, but consider to be a waste of time?

football!! and hes actually good at it. tim never plays tho so the only time he gets to is with the curtis gang

What makes them feel guilty?

fucking up on a gang job and letting tim down

Are they more analytical or more emotional in their decision-making?

more emotional!! that’s the biggest difference between curly and tim. tim will think of the long-term effects before making a decision, where curly is more of an “act now, think later” type person. his decisions are usually the wrong ones, but they make for a better story

Would they consider themselves a Type A or Type B personality?

i’d wanna say type B, because he is super laid back and easy going and isn’t really competitive (unless its for a joke)

What recharges them when they’re feeling drained?

getting away for a while. he loves driving and ive always seen him as having a little secluded spot that he goes to by himself during his teenage years. eventually though he finds the right person that he can take, and just being with them makes him feel better

Would you say that they have a superiority-complex? Inferiority-complex? Neither?

neither tbh. he may think that he’s better than some greasers (because honestly he is) but he doesnt think of himself as above other classes. he finds it unfair that socs and middle class people have a superiority complex, so it’d be dumb for him to have one. he just thinks everyone should be equal (but he knows theyre not, and for that reason he’ll fight any soc he can get his hands on)

How misanthropic are they?

hes very easy to get along with if you come from the same type of neighborhood. he’s open to everyone that’s cool with his gang, but he’ll be the worst kind of person to rival gangs and rich people. so he doesnt dislike people, because he can be a really cool guy, you just have to come from his streets

Hobbies?

football, fighting, drinking, poker. y’know, d00d stuff

How far did they get in formal education? What are their views on formal education vs self-education?

he graduates high school and thats it. and he definitely values self education more, the stuff he’s learned by himself ahve been more useful to him than the Pythagorean theorem ever will be  

Religion?

he believes in a god but never really thinks about it. hes not religious by any means but i think it kinda comforts him knowing something comes after life

Superstitions or views on the occult?

he doesnt believe in superstitions imo!!

Do they express their thoughts through words or deeds?

both. he’ll talk a big game and then follow through with his promises

If they were to fall in love, who (or what) is their ideal?

THE QUESTION IVE BEEN WAITING FOR OK if curly ever fell in love, it’d be with someone making him feel okay with being him. they’d make him want to be a better man & not just a mini tim. they’d have to accept that curly would always idolize his brother, but they’d also help him detach a little. they’d love him for him and accept the fact that they can’t change him. they’d probably be just as wild as he is, bc they’d have to keep up with his lifestyle. they couldn’t take life too seriously and would never know what the future had in store for them. i can see curly eventually being able to be romantic, but it’d never be in public

How do they express love?

kisses, holding hands, little acts of kindness (giving them something that reminded him of them, asking how their day was, remembering little things)

If this person were to get into a fist fight, what is their fighting style like?

daddy came to win

Is this person afraid of dying? Why or why not?

nah i dont think he is. i think he’s kinda accepted that there is a very real possibility that he won’t make it past 30 w the way he’s living, so that’s why he takes it day by day

[mountphoenixrp]

We have a new citizen in Mount Phoenix:

                                   Lee Minhyuk, who is known by no other name;                                                        a 22 year old son of Arawn.                                             He is a makeup artist at Halo Salon & Spa,                               a tattoo artist at Taste of Ink and a security guard at Babylon.

FC NAME/GROUP: Lee Minhyuk / MONSTA X CHARACTER NAME: n/a AGE/DATE OF BIRTH: November 3, 1994 (22) PLACE OF BIRTH: Seoul, South Korea (Gangnam) OCCUPATION: make-up artist at Halo Salon & Spa, tattoo artist at Taste of Ink, security at Babylon HEIGHT: 180 cm (~5’11”) WEIGHT: 65 kg (~143 lbs) DEFINING FEATURES: pale skin, feminine and boyish features, mini star tattoos on his right forearm along with the quote “love me dead”, middle of his back: “when she needs a shelter from reality, she takes a dip in my daydream”, skull tattoo with roses on the right side of his chest, paper fan tattoo on his left wrist, pierced earlobes, tongue piercing  

PERSONALITY: Minhyuk is a pleasant and sociable individual. Yet, he wasn’t always like this. Upon his arrival to mount phoenix, he was a very reserved and quiet teenage boy. He started using a more social personality as a mask for his pain. He is bold, creative, and original. He has a good eye for detail. He’s also very attentive when it comes to the taste of others. He cares for those around him as he can be overprotective of them. He can be insensitive, defiant, and impatient. He clearly inherited some of his father’s temper. He also has a tendency to be unstructured or disorganized. He seems to be distracted most of the time. He gets frequent headaches due to the voices he’s constantly hearing. Even now, he can’t completely silence them, which can make him irritable. As a result, he can say things he doesn’t mean to say. Even though his father has a notorious reputation, Minhyuk isn’t an evil person at all. 

HISTORY: Minhyuk’s story begins in the Gangnam District of Seoul, South Korea. From a young age, he started hearing voices. No matter how hard he tried to shut them out, he couldn’t control it. He had little knowledge or grasp of his powers. As a result, he was a social outcast because he was seen as different. Doctors misdiagnosed him with a plethora of mental illnesses, including schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder, and obsessive-compulsive disorder. At one point, he remarked that he saw the fiery depths of hell. “I see dead people” from The Sixth Sense was indeed a reality for Minhyuk. With practice, he developed the ability to distract himself from dark thoughts by doing things such as drawing, meditating, and listening to music. Yet, he still found it difficult to completely clear his mind.  

Then, he started having nightmares. Most of his dreams consisted of people being torn apart by hell hounds or dragged into the depths of hell or the underworld. The “auditory hallucinations” also worsened. He suffered from insomnia, and he was recommended to take sleeping pills. At one point, his uncle tried to take him to a church so the pastor can expel the so-called demon within Minhyuk. However, Minhyuk was not possessed by any demons. He was haunted, but he wasn’t possessed.    

Not much is known about his family. His mother abandoned Minhyuk since she thought it was too much of a hassle to raise him. She claimed he caused her immense grief and misfortune. He was labeled as a “trouble kid.” His mother was a selfish and materialistic woman. She only cared about her social status and her wealth. His aunt and uncle took care of him. He hasn’t seen his mother since. He did poorly in school since he was often distracted during class. Eventually, he dropped out of school at the age of seventeen.

His aunt, his mother’s sister, finally told Minhyuk what she knows about his birth. His aunt called his mother insane for being involved with the Celtic god of the underworld, Arawn. That can explain why he can actively communicate with the dead. In general, he was just different from “regular” humans. He also possessed great strength. At first, Minhyuk didn’t want to believe that he’s part deity. Really, it sounds like something out of a fairytale. However, his aunt knew about a place called Mount Phoenix since his mother was constantly searching for the place to reunite with Arawn. Of course, whether his mother truly loved the god of the underworld is uncertain. Most likely, she was seeking him for her own gain. Minhyuk decided he had nothing to lose by searching for the entrance to Mount Phoenix.    

Eventually, he arrived at the bridge in Incheon that connected Mount Phoenix to the mortal world. On the ground, there were rocks neatly lined up in the center. The wind was pushing him further down the bridge. He ran as fast as he can across the bridge, never looking back. Since then, he’s been living on the island of Mount Phoenix for around three years.  

PANTHEON: Celtic CHILD OF: Arawn POWERS: Minhyuk has the ability to communicate with the dead. He also possesses enhanced physical strength. He can raise the dead for short periods of time, but this takes up most of his energy. As a result, he can become fatigued, and it may take him awhile to recover. STRENGTHS: Minhyuk is physically strong. He clearly surpasses the Olympic feat of strength. He can lift, throw, or catch items of great weight. He can view and hear ghosts or spirits of the deceased, which most people cannot see or hear. He can also raise the dead. Apart from his powers, he’s artistic. He’s good at drawing and has a great eye for beauty and detail.       WEAKNESSES: He can communicate with the dead, but he has absolutely no control of their actions. He’s still vulnerable to being possessed by spirits. His powers do not grant him spiritual protection. He can only serve as a medium. His strength can have its limitations. Enhanced strength does not equal durability. If he were to try lifting something extremely heavy (by his standards) over his head, his bones and joints would snap. His strength is also affected by balance, gravity, and mass. As stated above, he can raise the dead but it is extremely draining for him. In terms of social skills, he finds it difficult to open up to others or completely trust them. At times, he can be mentally unstable.

[socialpandafly-blog]

The One About My Illness

So lets talk about my “illness” (cue the eye roll) 

I have ADHD which stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, I cringe at the disorder part. But thats what scientists and doctors think it is so for the sake of being scientifically correct thats what we’ll call it. So its a disorder marked by an ongoing pattern of inattention and/or hyperactivity or impulsivity that interferes with functioning or development. I’m going to cover each of these points and then we’ll look at what that means for me and kind of how my case behaves. Hopefully by the end of this you’ll understand me a little better because this right here my friends is a gold mine. I am giving you the map to make sense of all the things I may do no matter how odd or weird my actions or behaviors may seem at the time. Now if any of this scared you or put you off a bit, I apologize that was never my intention. I’m actually a really cool person I promise. Thats enough of my rambling for now though so lets dive in. 

Inattention: This means a person wanders off task, lacks persistence, has difficulty sustaining focus, and is disorganized. Now these problems are not due to defiance or lack of comprehension. I just get bored easily. And it’s not that I just don’t understand and therefore lose interest, I just have so much more going on up here and its hard to focus on just one of them. 

Hyperactivity: Alright, so this is defined by or means a person seems to move about constantly, including in situations in which it is not appropriate, or they excessively fidget (fun fact: fidget spinners were actually made for people like me. They were also made for physical therapy patients. You’re welcome) taps, or talks (I do that one a lot). In adults it may be extreme restlessness or wearing others out with constant activity. 

Impulsivity: Okie dokie so this guy right here is a person who makes hasty actions that occur in the moment without first thinking about them and that may have high potential for harm, or a desire for immediate rewards or inability to delay gratification. An impulsive person may be socially intrusive and excessively interrupt others to make important decisions without considering the long term consequences. Now this guy we’re going to call him Fred, I think Fred is the one that scares people the most about ADHD. I personally don’t have a whole lot of Fred but I have met people that have a bunch of Fred in them and they are definitely interesting. Depending on the severity of Fred though he will cause no harm at all and is just widely misunderstood. Fred is actually not that bad of a guy. He just takes some getting used to.

Inattention and hyperactivity/impulsivity are the key behaviors of ADHD. Some people with ADHD only have problems with one of these behaviors, while others have both inattention and hyperactivity/impulsivity. Most children do however have the combined type of ADHD. I have a combined type of ADHD with all contributing factors having varying degrees of severity. So as promised I’ll explain what this means for me and what this all looks like in my case. I have a tendency to move fast, like really fast and I’m not talking physically I mean mentally. And because of that I may have a bad habit of overlooking or just entirely missing details, in schoolwork, at work and in other activities as well. Which sometimes leads to careless mistakes. I also have a hard time sustaining my attention in about everything, conversations (sorry about that) lectures, or lengthy reading, and I love reading. You also may notice from time to time that I may not seem to listen when directly spoken to. Well, I’ll be honest, its probably because I’m not. Usually because I have something on my mind and I’m deep in thought. I’m not trying to be rude but its hard to keep track of all these thoughts when they move at a thousand miles per hour. I have a hard time following through on instructions as well and sometimes fail to finish things like schoolwork (This was typed the night before it was due) or chores and other tasks simply because I start them but it starts to quickly go downhill from there and I lose focus and easily get sidetracked. And if that wasn’t bad enough I can’t even organize all these tasks and activities properly. I have problems organizing such as what to do in sequence, keeping materials and belongings in order, having messy work and poor time management (usually daydreaming) and I suck at deadlines and sometimes fail to meet them. I’m also a bit difficult too, I tend to avoid or dislike things that require a sustained mental effort because I get bored. And yeah, this is basically just homework or any kind of school work in general because anything else I’m doing doesn’t generally take up a lot of my time because I’m always moving on to the next thing. I also lose things (I’m getting better at that one) and very easily get distracted by unrelated thoughts. For example, while writing this I started thinking about foxes and how cute they are and then I thought about pandas and how I wish I could combine the two. Well a Google search about combining these two basically left me with the discovery that a Red Panda is basically that very thing and now my life is changed forever and I’m in love. I also fidget and I squirm, I like to tinker with everything, sometimes I’ll be really hyper and I’ll run or climb on something I shouldn’t necessarily be (usually just to sit because I’m lazy) I’m constantly in motion and always on the go, I talk nonstop especially if it is about something I love or am passionate about (No need for Google) sometimes I’ll start answering your question or respond to your comment before you finish speaking because my mind predicts what it thinks you’ll say and then I blurt out a response (Again not to be rude) and I also have issues with being patient. Now, I just wrote you a book on all the negatives and so now for time sake I’m gonna give you a list of some positives. I am a very quick thinker, I have a lot of creativity, I’m dangerously witty, I am informative about what I am talking about, I never get boring, I’m always coming up with new ideas and I like to tinker with things and figure out how they work just to answer the constant question in my head about everything “why?” I am passionate about the things I love and if you do keep my attention you know that it is really important to me, I can’t fake emotions because I have so many going through my mind at once that it is hard to pinpoint one and I am a bit more unique because ADHD has different forms and combinations so just like anyone without it we are not the same regardless of it being called the same thing. I am proud to have ADHD. I don’t see it as a disorder or an illness, I view it more as a super power and an advantage. And I know you’re probably thinking “well, Jordan how did you get that out of it when you basically just wrote a book on all the negatives.” well, its simple, like uncle Ben said “With great power comes great responsibility.” Yeah, I do have all these detractors to deal with and they do make aspects of life more difficult than they need to be or should be. But I also have all these great things (And those were just to list some of many) that I wouldn’t want to change about me or give up. Now, I’m dying to go watch some cute Red Panda videos so I’m going to cut this novel short and leave you with the question I know you’ve been asking this whole time. No I am not on medication. 

[shanannigansthebibliophile]

Hey guys!

I’m back with Part 2 of my TBR Tackle! After another successful school drop-off (Again, she didn’t even look back *Sniff), I am going to pick up where I left off yesterday. If you missed Part 1, click here!

Science Fiction & Dystopian

Fly Paper: A Novel by Chris Angus

How do you fight a deadly disease that comes from beyond planet Earth?

When a 2,000-year-old mummy is unearthed in central China, investigators from all over the world fly in to Washington, DC, for a top-secret meeting, hoping to find an answer to its mysterious genetic anomalies.

But the scientists may have mistakenly released a new, deadly disease of extraterrestrial origins in the process of examining the genetic markers of the ancient mummy. The devastating human error causes a worldwide plague—one that penetrates the barriers of the human immune system. Sino expert Eric Logan and archaeologist Dr. Marcia Kessler lead an expedition back to the icy glaciers of China to extract a much older 20,000-year-old mummy, which could help them formulate a cure. Even as they embark on their mission, the strange illness afflicts the people around them, turning men into mindless monsters.

The team retreats to a remote Buddhist monastery and must hold off a vicious army of victims. As they wrestle with the possibility that they may be the last living humans on earth, someone finds an ancient burial object that may hold the key to ending the apocalyptic epidemic . . .

My Thoughts…

Sounds really good right? Well, it was okay but it wasn’t all I had hoped for.

It was well written and engaging enough, but it was missing something. Unfortunately, I can’t quite say what that something is but it left me feeling a bit unsatisfied.

Overall, a decent read with a good premise but had a lackluster ending. As the song says, “That don’t impress me much”.

Rating… C+

The Dreams by Matthew R. Flemming

Waking up in an unknown forest with four strangers, James has an unsettling feeling that the group is not alone. As tension mounts and he finds himself questioning the motives and loyalty of his companions, one of the group members disappears, leaving only a pool of blood behind. It soon becomes clear that something very large and unnatural is in the deep secret places of the forest. And it knows they are there.

My Thoughts…

This was originally a DNF. The first one in a long while. I loved the premise and the cover is brilliant, but it was so messy. Disorganized with way too many words. I hate overly descriptive writing!

This what I put on Goodreads:

DNF: Good premise by lacking proper execution. I couldn’t stick with it.

REVISED…

OK I finished it but only because I needed to know how these poor suckers ended up here. I still maintain my original opinion.

Yes, I went back and finished because I felt bad. It did not get any better!

Rating… D-

Ghost Virus by Graham Masterson

The girl had been staring into her mirror all morning before she picked up the small bottle of sulphuric acid and poured it over her forehead.

Samira was a young woman with her whole life ahead of her. What could have brought her to this? DC Jerry Pardoe and DS Jamila Patel of Tooting Police suspect it’s suicide. But then a meek husband kills his wife, and the headteacher of the local school throws her pupils out of a window. It’s no longer a random outbreak of horrific crimes. It’s a deadly virus. And it’s spreading. Somehow, ordinary Londoners are being infected with an insatiable lust to murder. All of the killers were wearing second-hand clothes. Could these garments be possessed by some supernatural force?

The death count is multiplying. Now Jerry and Jamila must defeat the ghost virus, before they are all infected…

My Thoughts…

This book is hard to classify. It’s a little bit sci-fi, a little procedural, with a paranormal backbone. The premise is a bit misleading, which I guess is the point but I thought I was going to be reading a good plague story.

I loved everything about this book until the origin of the virus is revealed. Then I was like, “WTF? Are you kidding me?” And not in a good way. It’s just so silly! Here I was thinking that this book had everything. Suspense, gore, mysterious virus, and then the author went and ruined it for me.

Maybe you will like it and won’t find the ending ridiculous. You’ll have to make that decision for yourselves.

Rating… C

Blue Skin: A Dystopian Vampire Thriller (Book #1) by Steven Jenkins

The world has turned inward, away from the sun, in the wake of a mysterious disease that has altered the human race. No longer able to bear healthy human children, our mothers and daughters have brought vampire-like hybrids into the world, and with it a new order. Now that reproduction has been banned, those left with young children face a terrible and devastating decision – turn your babies over to the government or pay the price. For young Freya, keeping her brother hidden is the only real option.

Enemies of the state, Freya must stand between her family and the forces of a fearful world. Although her brother may not be human, there is little else separating her and those of the blue skin.

Choices will be made. Lines will be drawn. The battle for humanity has only just begun.

BLUE SKIN is the first book in a 5 part vampire dystopian, thriller horror series.

My Thoughts…

Ooh I really enjoyed this book and the follow-up, Blue Skin: Book #2 that was released this past May. Good vampire stories are really hard to come by these days since the genre was drowned in vamp tales due to the Twilight phenomenon.

Blue Skin however, is an interesting mix of vampire and apocalyptic. The fact that the vampires are children make it especially horrifying.

Great writing, a unique plot and a strong female protagonist make this book appealing to all sorts of readers. I’m looking forward to reading more in this series!

Rating… A+

Contemporary Fiction & YA Fiction

To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before (Books 1-3) by Jenny Han

To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before is the story of Lara Jean, who has never openly admitted her crushes, but instead wrote each boy a letter about how she felt, sealed it, and hid it in a box under her bed. But one day Lara Jean discovers that somehow her secret box of letters has been mailed, causing all her crushes from her past to confront her about the letters: her first kiss, the boy from summer camp, even her sister’s ex-boyfriend, Josh. As she learns to deal with her past loves face to face, Lara Jean discovers that something good may come out of these letters after all

P.S. I Still Love You

Lara Jean didn’t expect to really fall for Peter. She and Peter were just pretending. Except suddenly they weren’t. Now Lara Jean is more confused than ever. When another boy from her past returns to her life, Lara Jean’s feelings for him return too. Can a girl be in love with two boys at once?

Always and Forever, Lara Jean

Lara Jean is having the best senior year.

And there’s still so much to look forward to: a class trip to New York City, prom with her boyfriend Peter, Beach Week after graduation, and her dad’s wedding to Ms. Rothschild. Then she’ll be off to college with Peter, at a school close enough for her to come home and bake chocolate chip cookies on the weekends.

Life couldn’t be more perfect!

At least, that’s what Lara Jean thinks . . . until she gets some unexpected news.

Now the girl who dreads change must rethink all her plans—but when your heart and your head are saying two different things, which one should you listen to?

My Thoughts…

I’m lumping all 3 of these books together, not because they don’t deserve individual reviews (They totally do!), but because I read them all together, one right after the other like a big novel.

Why you ask? Well I watched the Netflix movie of course, and fell in love! (Read review)

As soon as the credits rolled, I quickly purchased all 3 books and had myself a lovely binge read. All 3 were fantastic! Nostalgia inducing, charming, adorable, and funny. I really enjoyed them and I’m happy with how the author ended the trilogy.

Want to hear something crazy though? I liked the movie more and something tells me I’m not the only one.

The actors had such great chemistry! ‘Lara Jean’ and ‘Peter’ were so good together on screen which added a whole new dimension to the story. Honestly, they made the story and I really hope the other books get movies too.

Rating… A+’s all around!

Girl in Pieces by Kathleen Glasgow

Charlotte Davis is in pieces. At seventeen she’s already lost more than most people lose in a lifetime. But she’s learned how to forget. The broken glass washes away the sorrow until there is nothing but calm. You don’t have to think about your father and the river. Your best friend, who is gone forever. Or your mother, who has nothing left to give you.

Every new scar hardens Charlie’s heart just a little more, yet it still hurts so much. It hurts enough to not care anymore, which is sometimes what has to happen before you can find your way back from the edge.

My Thoughts…

Warning: Major Triggers! Mental illness, Abuse, Addiction, Self-harm, Suicide, and Disturbing Scenes (Just to name a few).

I would give this AMAZING book 6 stars if I could! It’s riveting, evocative, heart-wrenching and incredibly illuminating. It’s not the easiest book to read but if you can stomach the darkness, it’s a brilliant story about survival and self-discovery. The protagonist ‘Charlie’ will take you on one hell of a journey but it’s worth it. Just be prepared to feel every emotion on the spectrum.

Honestly, I have nothing negative to say. I truly loved it, if that’s the right word, and can’t recommend it enough!

Rating… A+++

Well, I’ve caught up a ton with these two posts. They’re certainly some of the longest posts I’ve ever written lol. Like I said before, I had really gotten behind with my writing but I’ve never stopped reading (I’m 18 books ahead on my yearly Goodreads challenge) and I never will. 

I’d love to hear your thoughts on these books, especially if you’ve read them.

Until next time!

      #TBR Tackle & Mini Reviews (Part 2) #BookBlogger #BookReviews #Books #AmReading #BookHaul #Thriller #Romance #YA Hey guys! I'm back with Part 2 of my TBR Tackle! After another successful school drop-off (Again, she didn't even look back *Sniff), I am going to pick up where I left off yesterday.

[opalmothnightingale]

Pieces of Me Blog?  (Or, Something Like That)..  Lol, For All My Broken Pieces

9- 18- 17 - 

Here I am, allergies keeping me up, unable to focus much, unable to sleep, very exhausted,..  and, so..  Here we are then,...  Just thinking, it could be a sign.  

Another blog I could make, in addition to one about signs, one about depressiveness, one about the astral love/forest spirit designed love/manifesting love/self-love, which are all kind of one and the same...

I thought, hm...  You know what?  I wonder,...  I wonder, if the pieces of me that I’m trying to arrange, if they are better in another blog too?  The pieces of me, that I’m trying to piece together.  

Trying to find, trying to gather the ideas I’ve already gathered, to make them accessible.  The pieces I need to find.  The purposes to address, in random, patient, fun and playful, artistic and sensory order for my sensory issues, etc...  To make it just as slow and broken up, broken down, bit by bit, simplified and beautified and made for dummies,...  As much of all that as I need to do just to make it manageable. 

As much time as I need just to gather resources to make it feel manageable, before I even take a step.  And, forget trying to even explain it in a way others can understand.  I know I have a hard time explaining things in words others can understand or even in words that are clear to myself, and yet,...

I have enough understanding to know what I mean, and it helps me try to at least articulate things.  It helps the ideas form in my mind even if I can’t always express them, but to even try can help the ideas form up more clearly and stick there in my subconscious mind. 

But should this picking up my breaking apart pieces be another blog for itself?  

And then, if it is to be its own separate blog, what title?  What subject, or how to describe the subject?  Universe, care to help? 

This is obviously a major concern, how to put my broken pieces together, hold them together, carry on, heal the mess and the illnesses, heal the wounds.  

How to feel the faith and courage and energy and motivation to even feel able to do all that..  bit by bit.  And bit by lazy bit.  And bit by distracted bit.  

And bit by dissociated, confused bit.  By overindulgent, pleasure-focused bit.  

By trickery and romance and illusion and foolery, to fool my own foolish mind, heart and confusion...  The tricks and the foolishness of my heart and mind are best inspired by more trickery and foolishness, and so I know I have to do all kinds of lazy and silly and over-indulgent and disorderly stuff just to get my own problems to cooperate and fall in line, until I maybe can heal those disorders in me...

But maybe then again, it could be that those disorders are conditions of my mind, and my behavioral conditions, personality conditions, health conditions, which may not be even susceptible to be healed and maybe serve a purpose, like facilitating creativity, or aiding intuitive, right brained or subconscious processes of the mind and heart? 

The whole kind of benefits of mental health conditions and benefits of behavioral conditions, like I’ve mentioned before.  I really believe in that.  

Everyone thinks the plowing forward, left-brained, logical, obvious answer is better, but I think often it’s far from better, and especially if we are to appreciate and not try to possess life.  When we can’t possess or control it, may as well accept and enjoy and savor it, imagine, dance with, create with and dream with it...  

All things that need letting go of control, of judgment, of fear, of norms or predictability...  

All things that thrive when the mind and heart lose control a bit or lot, in some ways, I think.  

All things important for me, lately, in realizing how to accept and handle the wilderness, the slow process, the broken pieces drowning existence of my life as it is,...  And how to surmount those obstacles even still when I can..

How to do so is by making the little things feel powerful, as they can, when I have realized what those little things are which I need...  And that includes faith, and that includes worldviews and answers to the whys of existential angst and doubt and confusion and emptiness and pointless feelings..  And that includes the childlike and sensory and imaginative and lively, airy, fiery, silly, playful things that make me happy, relaxed, focused,...  

And my daughter is showing me how to do all this, even though it feels silly and small and uncreative and dumb at times, but I know better...  

It’s the things that will actually let me be smart, successful, achieve so much, be motivated, feel safe and alive and happy in the middle of all the little bad things that are so much bigger than they seem...  

The little good things are enough to overcome the little bad things, but only if I realize which little good things I need and the variety I need and change it up too as often as needed to be fresh, or cater to the moment’s callings and needs.  

So...  I will, and all these things are the embarrassing “pieces of me” that are spiritual,...

Yes, they are “My spiritual path”, but only if I get the time and energy, so as of yet they are my spiritual dreams and goals waiting, disorganized, and so I thought a blog would help me organize them and act on them as I get the energy to do that...  And yet though they’re my highest hopes for real living spirituality for myself, in another way... 

I wonder,...  If they’d do well with their own separate blog...  With their own subject for its own right, aside from calling it spirituality (though all things in my life are kind of woven into spirituality, for me...  But that goes without saying, for me...  I guess.  I don’t have to state that to myself, nor anyone else.  But when I do share “spirituality” called by such, that is another thing I guess you could say...  I would share this other stuff more with anyone, not just those who style themselves to be “spiritual”... ). 

So, universe, what of it?  Tell now, soon, whenever you have the leisure, and I have the attention span to notice and act on it. 

It seems like another mental health or recovery focused subject matter.  It would maybe appeal to others who can’t remember all the things they need to find...  While finding themselves...  

Much less actually find all those things...  Like me...  Head barely above the water in life, and just like that, kind of thing.  

Spirituality yes, but then again, only for those who can’t find a way to thrive better. 

 An embarrassingly depressing subject for those who are so much more ahead, together, clear headed and higher, maybe...  

Or just, pointless, vacant, to think of these things, for the average person, I guess...  Thus more fitting to channel that excess into something else, another separate blog.  One that feels more to the point of all that.  Maybe...

[itain]

long.. complaint post essentially

id say rant but its less anger than just.. despair i guess

oh god i feel at this moment.... very hopeless

ive just kinda been frozen since i got home,,, talked some, ate dinner, etc... but there is so much i need to get done but i {feel i} cant do until i finish one thing in particular...... like so many rows stacked up in tetris that all get cleared with the one block that fits them all... i mean perhaps nobody thinks its that big a deal,,, idk......... i just feel like i cant breath... literally it feels like my chest is a bit tight just thinking of all this shit stressing me... like once i finally get one thing done turns out its not done and i had 10 more things to do as well... i feel that in the time it takes for me to take one step, i’m pushed back like 20 paces....

you know when you have so much stressing you that you play games or just fucking fill your mind with static to pretend nothing is wrong?? you waste time having fun while the stress just looms next to you all day every day?? thats like my usual state of being.... and here is the other end.. where things come crashing down, and im panicking, and im frozen because i can never solve things, i have to find an order in the chaos, and at this point everything immidiately turns negative and i wonder why im even alive rn... i like that ive written this much and still remained so vague.......... SIGH

uh lets see i mean its mostly all just financial shit

the biggest block rn is the fucking gym... gee am i getting so damn sick of this shit.... i am ready to sccream over this fucking gym...... ive been trying to quit almost since ive started... i FINALLY send the shit i need to on time..... and they didnt do it???? so i need to call them tomorrow asking why they havent drafted the quitting fee, and im sure theyll ask if i did the fucking secure mail where i get notified when they recieve it, and no i didnt bc i dont have money, and they will come up with some bullshit excuse reason why i cant quit still, and at that point ill want to scream and cry, i fucking wish that could solve my problem??? why cant i be like my dad who yells at the customer service people on the phone till they solve everything for free???? why cant i ask that of him now?? thoughts like these... who let me be an adult, how will i not get fucked out of shit because im a fucking pushover who just wants to please everyone and be polite.....

then lets see.......... the student loans..... the big issue with this... i mean 50 bucks a month starting in october... i mean we will fucking see if i have the money... considering im already drowning now, i fucking doubt, but my biggest concern is the logistics... what amount am i paying back? how do i know that its set up to draft out of my account??? questions i dont want to ask anyone because i’ll feel like a fucking idiot and i’ll just cry about it instead pls.... so i’ll just rot till october tyvm...

and what else... my biggest fear is the combination of these two, that i cant quit the gym and im paying like 75 fucking bucks a month for two things that have made my life nothing but hell...

but i think the other biggest stressor is the small shit adding up rn... for like 2+ months (i havent really counted but i know its been a long time now) my phone isnt working without a charger.... and to even get it replaced for a working model is like 75 bucks.. id buy some shit phone but thats 20 bucks that can be spent towards surviving... like, see above bills.... oh and id switch to an old phone of mine to even ask if thats possible would fucking cost money bc metro pcs wont answer shit without seeing money first ugh.. its made all communication and leisure time way more difficult as im chained to the wall and only a few short times a day for either.... so setting aside that, ill just fucking pray for that for christmas orz the other “small shit”...... oil needs to be changed on the car,,, means i have to find some time to buy oil, figure out what fucking oil to buy, where to buuy, if i have the money, etc... communicate with coworker friend and get a day we both have off so her friend?? can change my oil for me for free, bless.... but thats not even possible till i get back from my vacation.... so a week or two..... then we have the registration sticker that needs to be updated before september,,,, 80 to 85 bucks my dad said... that obv cant be updated with a code on my car so again, it has to wait a couple weeks... even driving with a code on my car gives me such anxiety...

so moving on to.... i guess the tiny shit that isnt as big problems but only have become such because im mega stressed..... thought i had finished the laundry... found another bag orz... apartment much more disorganized than i thought.. you know how order in the home gives a certain peace of mind.... and vise versa.... bf and i are fucking depressed and at least i want pills but that is a faraway dream rn, booking a fucking appointment, much less having $$ for a perscription????? trying to work out then losing motivation so quickly as always... but because i want to dedicate my energy towards cleaning this place... which just somehow never happens.... just never seeing a way to save money??? ive been so damn frugal and i still cant pay my bills and here i am with more bills, meanwhile my dad posting his stupid fucking bullshit on facebook about “choose happiness” like money doesnt have a fucking say in the matter.... and all the low self esteem and negative thoughts that accompany all this situation... wanting to “do something nice because ive been having a hard life/week” and then still feeling like shit, or feeling guilty for having spent anything then complaining about money...

i guess last thing i wanted to touch on..... the vacation... bfs mom takes me with them on their family vacations.... honestly i feel like the goth in the prep family? like im too much drama to make them happy.. ive been pretty open with her about my feelings towards my dad and stepmom, mostly bc she is super giving and nice and agrees with me against them.. and recently ive been more open, like about my depression even... and like... she even said she would get me a scrip... like....... i just.. this kind of thing, the vacations, the covering my half of rent, even while she doesnt have a job rn (she is rich but tighter on $$ now so) but i feel so guilty accepting it.. like if i justify it, then arent i being too greedy?? but i literally cant refuse it, or i’d be on the street right now so..... but i just feel like she owns me... if i were her daughter i think id be more okay but like... if john and i break up she put like, thousands into SOME CHICK.... i feel like in the far future i’ll need to write her a check too;; i told bf i wasnt rly feeling the vacation... of course because of the neverending drama surrounding me (yeah yeah im not saying drama is drawn to me, yeah i create it okay) this will just kinda strain more the relationship and they’ll all think i have some issue with them or smth that i gotta ruin every family trip... so i’ll just go.. but like... self esteem is out the window, so i wont want any pics.. i doubt bf will either, we both have gained so much weight, and i have perma acne that gets worse by the day, and i cant even afford to get my hair cut or colored again so its just this grown out mess.... then in the other respect of a vacation... i think ill just be worried the whole time about my finances... i mean i wont be able to spend money on anything so -shrugs- i get to just look at a bunch of nice things, thinking “i wish” or feel the guilt of her wanting to get it for me.... oh god yeah and same things w my friends.... i want to hang with them?? but i dont have money for shit??? and every time they pay for smth i die inside bc when will i even be able to pay them back its the same thing but theyre poor TT

anyways i guess thats most of it..... i guess im feeling tired maybe ill just pass out watching some youtube videos.... i was wanting to get a drawing done but ~*the cycle of feeling like shit*~ will occur worse then...