#but people online can be super weird about this better play it safe

[schnuffel-danny]

I'm not going to tell anyone how to live their life, but something about basing your silly little headcanons on mental illness you have no real life experience with feels a little wrong to me.

[hyperfixation-fix]

Aight so.

Just reblogged a post that mentioned Nico canonically having depression (totally agree), but I wanted to talk about my other headcanons around Nico's mental health AND MORE IMPORTANTLY his recovery journey.

(AN IMPORTANT NOTE: I'm very wary of talking about headcanons involving mental illness, bc it can easily cross the line into romanticising mental illness. I grew up in that kind of online space, and it's toxic af and makes recovery almost impossible. So I want to emphasise, especially for younger fans who read this - Nico gets better, canonically and in my headcanons. So did I. So will you. It takes work, and often it's not a painless or pretty process, but it's so much better than letting yourself rot away in the dark. Romanticise being well, being happy, and getting better.)

In my head, Nico is autistic. But I think he's been so traumatised and so dissociated for so long that he doesn't even really realise how much things affect him, how much easier things could be if he gave himself permission to be the way he is.

FOR EXAMPLE. I think he is specifically very sensory-sensitive, but he's so disconnected from his body and brain that he doesn't really realise it. He just always feels Bad™️ and has never been safe enough to figure out why. So then, once he gets comfortable at CHB and really starts to finally feel safe and present, he starts to slowly untangle things bit by bit. Will is a big part of this - he's very intuitive and notices stress queues in Nico before Nico even realises he's stressed.

It starts off with Will noticing Nico avoiding crowds, which isn't necessarily weird for a kid who spent the last several years with ghosts, but then he realises it's not actually the people that bother him. It's the noise. Like, Nico avoids the Apollo Cabin as much as possible, even when it's completely empty except for Will, bc it's constantly got music playing a little too loud. Nico doesn't even really know why he doesn't like it and doesn't really bother thinking much about it, but Will is like "huh that's interesting". And, as he gets closer with Nico, that pattern becomes more and more apparent - in noisy places, Nico becomes tense and guarded, but in quiet places he's more relaxed. Then Will notices Nico's sensitivity to textures. Some clothes are consistently "grumpy Nico clothes" and some are "happy Nico clothes".

Will decides to run little experiments, making subtle changes around Nico and taking note of Nico's reaction. For example, suggesting Nico change clothes before a date because "I like the black jeans better" ie "the black jeans are a softer denim and stiff denim makes you grumpy". Or swapping out Nico's sheets bc "whoops my bad, I was practicing wound cleaning and spilled supplies all over them! But don't worry, I've replaced them with a new set so it's all good," ie "your sheets were cheapass 100% cotton and rough af and that's why you haven't had a good night's sleep like, ever, so here's a high-quality satin (or whatever, idk fabrics) set that probably won't bother you as much." And lo and behold, Nico sleeps like a baby every night after that. Or orchestrating a whole plan to get Nico into the Apollo Cabin when it's quiet (music gets turned low, siblings are threatened with weeks of dish duty if they don't keep it down), and seeing if he's less on edge. AND HE IS.

And eventually Nico picks up on Will's increasingly elaborate accommodation experiments (Will is simply having way too much fun at this point - he feels super sneaky, finds it hilarious that Nico still isn't noticing, and also just loves seeing Nico less stressed out) and is like "Solace I know you're up to something, out with it or else." And at that point Will is like "ok bet" and pulls out a fucking spreadsheet (Annabeth taught him how to use excel (yeh I know demigods don't vibe with tech but this is my headcannon so deal with it) with great joy and little-to-no interest in why he actually wanted to learn) with a bunch of Nico's triggers and sensitivities and the success rates of different accommodations. Nico is like "I'm actually going to kill you, you've been fucking with my brain for months????" but is barely containing how curious he is and how sweet he actually finds it that Will has thought so much about how to make Nico happy. But Will knows, especially when Nico, even while grumbling, takes the spreadsheet with him.

The next day Will presents Nico with a present he was saving for the final big-reveal: some loop earplugs or something similar. Discrete and practical 😌 Will just leaves them next to Nico's bed with a cute lil sticky note that says "Before you orchestrate my untimely demise as promised, give these a go. Consider it the last request of a dead man walking ;) love you Neeks x".

And that's that. The earplugs make a massive difference, much to Nico's surprise and Will's smug satisfaction, and from then on Nico starts to reconnect with himself and gets better and better at recognising things that make him more comfortable, and using them. Will considers his experiment over (a resounding success, of course), but is unwaveringly supportive and helpful as Nico figures stuff out.

Lol that became very long sorry, but it made me happy to write it out hehehe

[vulpinesaint]

orchid abelia daffodil <3

orchid ⇢ what’s a song you consider to be perfect?

MAN this is a hard question. mostly because i have such opinions about music i always think that there is something technically or lyrically or melodically that could be done better. if i had to think of one that i think did a good job on all aspects of the song it would probably be a hozier song... talk, maybe... i find the lyrics compelling and the harmonies satisfying and the music interesting enough to keep focus while not being overly/distractingly complex. the thing about art though is that there is always something to be changed/something that could be improved by a different set of standards. i don't know if i would ever consider any song perfect but i will let you know if i think of one haha <3

abelia ⇢ do you have a particular piece of jewelry you always wear or can’t part with?

boy do i!! i'm sure i have mentioned my saint sebastian medallion before but for those who do not know. i have a pendant with saint sebastian on it and i wear it every day. i am not a freak about it that much anymore (got healthier) but over fourth of july weekend i forgot it at home and i was Distraught. near tears. cause i needed it to feel safe and secure. better about it now!! shout out to saint sebastian that's my guy. i don't care if people want to call him a "basic" saint to idolize for gay people now i have ALWAYS been a freak about him independent from anyone else. and i am keeping that tendency well and alive

i also wear my ace ring (black ring on the right middle finger) most places if i can remember. it's harder to do when you have to be putting on sunscreen all the time for work...

if i remember i'll put pictures under this. if there are outfit pictures. um. you have to play a game where you look for these jewelry items. if not i got too weird about putting my face on here more and there should just be a picture of the medallion haha

daffodil ⇢ do you have siblings? if yes, in what ways do you think you’re similar to or different from them?

i have two little siblings! middle child is nonbinary and then the youngest is my little brother. i spent a lot of time growing up making sure that my sibling had a safe space to be themself because i could tell that they were Like Me in that way. so i came out and was constantly having conversations with them about how it was okay for boys to be feminine. pointing out queer creators i liked online. offering to paint their nails and do their makeup. and it worked out haha! won at making a safe space. did so well at it actually that they forgot that they hadn't actually come out to me yet. we are very different in most other ways though. for one they are blonde. and they've always been very math-oriented. i was the english sibling so thematically they obviously had to be the mathematical one... my mom always said we were a little chocolate and vanilla pair :)

i am unfortunately VERY like my younger brother which is to say that we have the same negative traits and i find him intolerable to be around lmao. it's not great and i need to be the adult and get over it but when he is sixteen and Stubborn it makes me feel violent 😭 can't physically pin him to the ground anymore so. have to find something else to do besides get in arguments. last i heard he was ostensibly aromantic which is cool and like me! although he told our MOTHER and not ME. HIS OPENLY AROMANTIC OLDER SIBLING. so. betrayal for a thousand years. i don't care if he was only like seven years old and i was twelve i will never feel sorry for beating his ASS at super smash bros when we were both kids

 ﹟random get-to-know-me ask game  !! 

[friskasreblogblog]

This is a super touchy subject about Sky: Children of the Light (and any online game) but I really wanna address this. As much as I really enjoy playing Sky, I’m getting more and more weirded out by the age range and some of the encounters I’ve had. Because at this point it’s very clear that it’s anywhere between 8-45 year olds with a great majority being 13-25. I myself am 30.

So! TW on grooming and online predators, and maybe suggestions for both adults and minors on handling online spaces (I’m hoping the page break will work here since I’m on mobile but yes)

I’d appreciate it if other adults could contribute and give suggestions since I really think this is something we should be learning how to handle these days

While Sky is relatively safe, I’ve had to ask people a few times where their guardians were because they were definitely too young to be left on without supervision, and I’ve even had to actively stop them from sharing dangerous amounts of information.

I have had an encounter where someone attempted to flirt with me before even asking how old I was (they ended up being 31. Again to their luck I am 30, but still very yikes). I have also had an encounter with someone who, while didn’t give me their age, was young enough to not understand the concept of me not being in the same school as them and living in a different country altogether.

And like in general it’s made me realise that the online player base across all games are just going to get younger from here on out, and adults are going to have to learn how to navigate that responsibly.

This is not the fault of Sky by the way! Some parts of the game are genuinely difficult to go through without any method of communication, and the chat option is pretty limited. Plus it fits well within the themes of the game to allow everyone to play. But it’s still open enough to cause some concerns.

Like do we still continue to interact with players so they have an example of a normal interaction with adults, or someone they can turn to in case they do encounter a predator? Do we maybe ask to discuss things with their parents, even if there is a chance they could confiscate the game? Do we block them as soon as we learn their age so that they know that being friends with someone so much older, especially online, is not a safe precedent to set? Do we just not accept chat at all? Or do we just cut our losses and play something else?

On one hand, I don’t think it’s very fair to ask of every adult to act as babysitters when they just want to enjoy the game. But also I’m worried that would just leave them with only predators left. I don’t think it’s a good idea to ban kids completely from playing either, as there are already few and fewer child-friendly online spaces (look at what happened to barbie .com for example).

To any minors reading this, this is not an “ew we hate kids” or even an “all adults are evil” thing (most adults on Sky are really just there to destress and enjoy the worldbuilding) but more like… while it is okay to know adults and be friendly with them, I would not advise at all treating them with nearly the same closeness as someone your age. We can act as in-game guides and outside of that share our experience in stuff like careers and studies. We can help be there if you feel unsafe from another player and find you better friends.

But you should absolutely not be discussing stuff like your relationships, personal hygiene and other intimate details with adults, and any adult who encourages this is one you should stay away from.

This is going to sound very patronising but basically don’t tell an online adult what you would not tell an easily scandalised/angered grandma, and block anyone who asks or tells you things that would make you go “EW GRANDMA NO” :’D

But in all seriousness, I dunno man… it’s incredibly scary.

Tl;dr: Not sure what the point of this post is other than to please be mindful of how you interact with younger players and to watch out for any predatory behaviour. If a child shares too much information shut that down immediately and try to make them understand that it’s incredibly unsafe. If you feel like you cannot bring yourself to do that, or you cannot get that point across, then I think it might be best to block them. Like it or not the online player base is going to get younger the more life demands online presence and the less online spaces for children there are, and we need to learn how to handle that.

And while it is always good to prepare kids and teens on how to handle online spaces and who to trust, it seems to me most resources place that responsibility solely on them and their parents. We need more resources for adults on how to interact with younger people responsibly and what to do in situations when an online predator is involved.

P.S. I’m not sure how the reporting system goes as well, if you can report a player for sharing too much personal information. But if possible that would be an ideal option.

[playedestroy]

i do wonder what it is though that makes submission so... for lack of a better word consumable?

i say this with the asterisk that i'm not yet in a place where i can make contact with the community irl where i live, so my vantage point is also inevitably quite restricted, and i'm sure this conversation is already being had Lots And Lots in offline communities

but there's some kind of weird little cycle where the imagery and "aesthetic" we have come to associate with submission does numbers online - no doubt because a lot of that imagery involves skinny white ablebodied cis women - which creates a spiders georg of "oh most of this community is submissive?" which creates a perhaps disproportionate amount of articles/blog posts/etc that address the needs and emotions and soft skills for subs (which don't get me wrong are super important)

(we see this happen also with roles or activities that are associated with submission - from what i understand it's a big part of why there has had to be so much pushback to support the idea that there can be women who do puppy play, men who are kittens, that you don't need to have all the special branded gear that the instagram models say you should ... it's a commodification of kink and intimacy along quite hard lines of gender and whiteness and wealth that i'm still baffled by)

but then while there are plenty of tutorials of hard skills for doms - rope tutorials, flogging tutorials, etcetera - they tend to be 1) quite prescriptive ("this is your role as the dom and you can only do things this way") and 2) don't really address soft skills like how to be vulnerable and open with your sub (in a way that makes said sub feel safe and warm and trusted with and by you) while not feeling like you're "failing"

#2 is quite crucial i think especially given that the expectation of dominance often falls on cis men who are not encouraged or validated to do that in a way that is both respectful and responsible of both themselves & the people they're with

and the "aesthetic" of a dom seems to be less defined, and therefore harder to market - and in fact we have reason to distrust the image of a highly marketable dom because a lot of them seem to be more interested in money or control than in meaningful connections/scenes/relationships

a superficial glance in the tags will show 5 cute witty charming posts about the things subs wish doms would do to them back to back but there are few to no doms in the same tags, and if they are there the posts don't have nearly the same amount of traction

[jrobertallen]

Melissa Ran Teddy ( 5 )

Ready to run

Teddy was with Ran overseeing the process of gently removing the manilla colored paper tied around the first package.

Unfortunately they didn’t find valuable drugs or money or bearer bonds that would make them instantly wealthy.

Maybe it’s the kind of diary you need a decoder ring for? Teddy said while speculating on the purpose for writing using symbols instead of letters.

Ran flipped through a few pages and found several neat rows of symbols similar to those written on the outside of the package.

What is with all these crazy markings? Teddy added, bizarre! Maybe its some kind of satanic stuff?

I agree, It doesn’t make any sense.

I never went crazy over dark magic and fortune telling and casting spells. It’s probably fine reading for a freak but to an actual grown up its on the level with believing in magic and mermaids. Do you think this really is some sort of voodoo or protection spell to keep the driver safe?

I don’t know anything about all that, answered Ran, sure is odd to go through all the trouble of hiding it in such a weird place, in car seats no less, he offered, maybe it’s some kind of race car magic code or something.

Zombey coding does and doesn’t surprise me little brother. The guy who owned this car before us was probably one of those tarot card readers you know, like the people who read horoscopes and plant beans on the full moon after the solstice and what not.

What do you think is in the other package?

They both stared at the sealed package they removed previously from the passenger seat.

That one has your blood on it! Ran poked fun at his wounded brother, and maybe it activated a tulpa, and when you go to sleep a muddy duplicate will take your place!

Oh great, Teddy laughed, I’m going to turn into a zombie! Well, I hope my zombie self don’t eat cats!

Ran peeled back the paper enough to see inside. It’s not another diary. Ran worked at separating the object contents from its wrappings and found a small paper box .

We still might be in luck, Ran, as long as it’s not a body part or filled with spiders we should be okay!

The box was made of cardboard stock, and like the diary it too was covered in strange symbols.

Ran gently removed the lid.

What’s inside? Hurry up, His brother begged impatiently.

Ran opened the cover and from inside he removed a strange looking cassette tape. What kind of machine plays this format? Ran asked his brother.

Oh, Teddy said, plucking the tape out of his brothers hand. It’s one of those old QIC-150 computer tapes, not used very often anymore but surprisingly they still made them until recently.

What does the diary book have to do with the tape?

You got me, Teddy admitted, it’s a super big mystery to me. One thing is for sure, whomever hid them in the car seats must have wanted to move them without anyone knowing, and they were never meant to be found by guys like us.

I think we better put them away for safe keeping, and get rid of this car soon as we can! Said Ran. Someone probably wants them really bad, bad enough to kill for them!

Teddy thought about it, you don’t think the shooter from yesterday wanted these do you?

Ran remembered the shooters words, how he was upset at the trick they used to get the car he obviously wanted.

Teddy, How was it that you managed to get this car so cheap? What did Melissa, your AI bot do to help you buy the car for less than we would have paid for it as a trade in? Especially from a well known online police auction no less.

Teddy folded his hands and ducking his chin meekly answered, you really don’t want to know the answer to that, it was seriously nothing that I want to bother you with! I do the computer stuff and you’re all about the screwdriver and wrenches.

Ran was a little steamed at his brother for not being willing to be truthful. I need to know because I was almost shot over the car, Teddy!

Teddy looked away, his eyes became glossy. He sniffed. Okay.

Ran waited for the answer refusing to say another word until it came.

There is more to Melissa than meats the eye, she is special, Teddy began.

What do you mean specifically? Like how? Tell me how she is different from all the other AI bots out there? She an AI with a monthly period? What?

I ripped her from a project without asking , or rather she was copied straight and I thought if I dumbed her down just enough and only used her for simple things that I or we could get away with, like using her to do things we needed like ordering our lunch, grabbing blueprints for free, saving money at auctions then nobody would be the wiser.

That’s not what I asked, where did you get the copy from?

When I hacked the DOD!

You are a mess! Ran admonished. After doing nearly 3 years for hacking and you already did it again?! Are you stuck on stupid, Teddy? They said they could give you what? 20 to life next time? You gave me a copy of Melissa and made me a criminal with you too!? Forced the phone on me!

No, no no, its not like that!

Then what? I’m listening!

I got out of prison early because I was pardoned. I was pardoned because I helped our government hack a Chinese spy company. I also backed up a copy on a separate server location so I could download it later for insurance, but I really didn’t expect anyone to leave that door accessible. Oddly when I tried it out 6 months ago there it still was, basically I got that version of the program from the Chinese spy company directly. Its not technically illegal, they had stolen the same program from the DOD a year earlier. So, I figured why not and I snuck a copy for myself and ditched the military stuff keeping only the pure nuts and bolts AI. I changed it just enough to make it untraceable.

Teddys voice was shaken, Ran could tell the subject hit a sore spot. Melissa can do things other AI can’t, like talking to other programs without the need to cross firewalls and tweaking programs to fit its own needs just enough to be helpful.

I don’t understand, how did that get us the Z car for $100 over first bid?

All the bids were online, so I made sure that when it came time to preview and bid on our pick, the Z only appeared on our schedule as active. Everyone eccept us could see it but only we and the Auction house knew it was selling.

Then to make sure, I only allowed other bidders to enter the minimum bid and limited their top bid to $50. We bid $100 over and got the car. Easily done! We got a huge discount!

A discount? Scolded Ran! Manuel has a hole in his head and Mary was shot in her shoulder. Our discount translated to another party paying full price for us!

Whoa! Teddy regained his verbal footing, Even if the shooter was after this car because of the data cassette and the diary, How were we supposed to know that from any other car? I picked the oldest car being sold that day specifically to try out and verify if my Melissa could handle it!

Ran was done speaking, he visited the corner of the garage where his Indian motorcycle was covered with a tan canvas tarp. He pulled back the cover part way exposing the nose of his motorcycle and front wheel.

Teddy tried again to explain, I suppose you wouldn’t understand, for me playing with code is an addiction. I find myself trying to sleep at night and looking up at the ceiling fan in my bed room, eventually my imagination takes over and im doing mental gymnastics writing code to design a fucking media port. It’s like any addiction except an alcoholic can stay off the booze by going to group, I can’t stop thinking about codes!

Instead of answering Ran pointed to the far side of the garage, Could you hand me that small box on the tool shelf behind you?

Teddy found the box while Ran peeled back the motorcycles tarp a little more, carefully exposing the handlebars and part of the seat and red gas tank. I understand he said, probably more than you think I do.

I’m not sure you fully get it Teddy answered, giving the small box to ran. You remember Jimmy Nanny our parts guy who moved here from Florida?

Yeah!

He started with just that one tattoo after he met his wife the first time, he did the one thing you never do and get a girls name tattooed on your skin, that was the night we all went for drinks and he spilled his drink all over her, next thing you know they got married! Look at Jimmy now, he absolutely covered himself in tattoos because he couldn’t stop at one, even his face is tatted up! Maybe that’s not a good example but you get the picture.

I’ve been working on this Indian Scout for 4 years, said Ran, only one part left to drop into the carburetor. That pursuit is my addiction, that and not using a computer or staying off grid! You and Mom and everyone I know keeps pushing your addictions on me! I never made you take a ride on my bike! Never asked for any help rebuilding it! I visited every parts yard in Washington State alone looking for this and that, I even drove to Oregon by myself hunting wheels.

I remember when you put that huge RC airplane engine with that dishplate sized three pointed propeller on that 10 speed Mom got you for Christmas, you were pretty smart for a kid. Teddy chuckled at the thought, You actually rigged it up and got it going and it even moved pretty well too, until the engine blew up and you lost control and ran into that car!

I still have the scar, Ran said as he looked at his knuckle. 6 stitches.

Mom was so pissed! But not that you destroyed your bicycle, she was worried because she thought you broke your shoulder when you ran it into the neighbors car! I tried so hard to get that dent out of the neighbors yellow car before she came home from work!

I remember that she scolded me for bleeding all over the kitchen floor and breaking my bike and denting the car.. What’s worth more a bike or a car?

The neighbor didn’t even notice. She wasn’t mad at You Ran, she yelled at you because she was mad at me! I was all she had keeping you safe and it upset her that I let you hurt yourself, she was upset with you but she was angry at me!

Ran opened the box and removed a Float Pin, last part he said.

Teddys eyes lit up. Serious? That’s the last part?

Yup, I broke down and ordered the rebuild kit because I wanted a new gasket. Last part is this float.

Well Damn! Exclaimed Teddy, this is going to be amazing!

Teddy put the float pin back in the box, not yet. I don’t want it to be over.

Ran, that’s not just irrational, it’s downright irresponsible! Please little brother, after you spent all those hours and hours and hours , driven hundreds of miles to get to this point and your almost there! Put the damn float in the carb thingy and ride the damn bike!

Carb thingy? Ran laughed. You see, I do understand the power of addiction!

To the dismay of the giant Dr Flower and a mountain of a woman named Nurse Beatrice, patient Anthony got dressed and walked out of the hospital feeling spry and clear headed.

He was checking out a full day before they recommended his already accelerated release against the hospitals wishes, and hopefully a few minutes before the Seattle police was scheduled to arrive unexpectedly to ask him a few questions about the day prior.

His new button down shirt and tan slacks fit perfectly, and to his surprise his gift clothes bag also included a baseball cap and a pair of cheap sunglasses.

Anthony checked his look on the mirrored walls of the elevator, adjusting his hat several times but never finding the perfect look. For one thing the mirrored wall made him look thinner and darker than he really was.

When the elevator opened on floor two, a security guard was there waiting for him with a wheelchair. For a moment Anthony imagined that he was going to be seated, strapped in and rolled back up to room 812 until his scheduled checkout time occurred.

The guard, a heavy set black woman looked Anthony over keenly, were supposed to roll you out for insurance reasons, but since the street access is near the other emergency door and I’m late for my break anyway….you get the privilege of a shorter ride with me from here to the lobby as my guest.

Oh, thanks I suppose my feet will work fine for the last 30 feet to freedom, that’s the door?

No, the out door is that way! She pointed to an exit arrows, and this is your chariot! She said gently caressing her blue ride. Do me a favor and humor me so I can keep my job. She looked up at the security camera and back at Anthony, please take a seat and let me do my thing.

Fine, Anthony agreed and took a seat, and to be friendly he even conversed with her during his short ride out. Tell me about your day so far, he mused, are the rest of the patients recovering well? Any other escapees?

Everyone is talking about you, she felt compelled to answer. I’m not sure how you pulled it off, but I for one didn’t expect to see you up and around at least for the next couple a days. You were a real mess when you arrived if I can say so myself!

Anthony wanted to be surprised at her sentiment but he wasn’t, yesterday he felt like he barely survived being smashed by a truck, two trucks, and today he was not even sore.

I think I looked allot worse than I actually was. I’m actually really fine right now. All better!

We don’t talk about our patients, but I heard through the grapevine someone said you went and healed yourself up overnight. I need to get me some of that energy! She laughed. My hip is bothering me.

Show me where Anthony pleaded

What? No I would have to undress and with the shape my body is in, uh no! Not to mention that I’m in uniform and at work, thank you dear!

Anthony didn’t know why he was compelled to help her, but he felt a sense of urgency.

You don’t have to take anything off, show me by placing my hand on your hip.

Are you some kind of faith healer? I dont do religion. I’m agnostic.

I might be crazy but maybe I can help, and I’m far from a religious person myself . Anthony pulled back his shirt sleeve showing her his track marks. When I was healed all this trouble went away.

She stopped pushing the cart and walked around and faced Anthony, You an addict?

Was, answered Anthony. I used to be called Skinny, that was my user name. Something happened to me, now I’m okay!

She picked up his hand and held it to her hip. Right there she said, do you feel the large lump? It’s growing and they think it could be a tumor. I work at a hospital but my insurance can’t afford real treatment., ain’t that a bitch?!

Oh, yes. He pressed his hand against the mass and simply said, Go away little bump!

His hand felt very warm, it started to feel as though it was burning her skin though her clothing.

Oh, ouch! She said as she pulled away. That hurts! What did you do?

Sorry. I just wanted to help.

She was angry now, how did she fool herself and let herself get fooled by a fool?!

She felt like she let her guard down too far by letting this bum touch her waist, so without saying another word She grabbed the chair again and started pushing.

When she let go of the chair to press the outside door button, her slight limp had improved. In fact her hip didn’t hurt anymore.

She placed her hand on her hip and felt the bump shrinking.

That’s crazy! She burst out laughing and turning to Anthony she found her wheelchair was lacking its occupant.

Behind the glass exit door, Seattle’s finest pulled up in a marked car, they would soon find out that their subject had already departed the hospital.

[rpsense]

one thing that i dont like about age gap discourse is that when i see it affecting platonic relationships, too. as a 20 something lesbian, one of the best friendships i've ever had is with a 56 year old queer woman who is very much a mentor to me. i learn so much from her and she asks me for advice on stuff with her kids (what's safe online, for example) and its such an enriching relationship. of course creepy age gap relationships are weird but intergenerational friendships can be so cool and i'd love to see them more in the rpc! let your 20 something muse befriend an older muse, or better yet play an older muse!! i feel like this also plays into ageism in the rpc though and ppl seeming to think humans start to decay past age 25

i haven't seen it affecting platonic relationships, but i want you to know i support platonic relationships between people of totally different ages! i agree that intergenerational friendships are super cool (esp between gay people) and i'd love to see more of it played out. i enjoy the dynamics my 20 something muses make with older muses! also yes everyone play more hags (also speaking to myself, i only have a handful). - x

[justmebeing--me]

DANGANRONPA 2 Cast during the pandemic

(Some of them are alone, others have a S/O)

Hajime Hinata: He follows all the protocols, trying to live his life as normally as he can. Probably tries to help others but he's too nervous to do so.

Nagito Komaeda: Blames his bad luck for trapping the Ultimates in this. Made an encouraging speech about something beautiful happening after the dark time. It didn't go as planned. Extremely careful, probably won't leave his house for a long time.

Chiaki Nanami: An excuse to stay home all day and play videogames?! Is this a secret bonus level? She can focus on online classes and play a video game at the same time! Win-Win! Thinking about the people that are suffering would only cause herself pain and nothing productive would come out of it.

Byakuya T(w)ogami: Follows the rules to a must. Calls out the ones who don't. Has a kit with hand sanitizers and masks for everyone.

Fuyuhiko Kuzuryuu: Cursing up a storm. The stress adds to his usual stress and his bodyguards are even more tense. What if someone sneezes on their young master? He has a perpetual wall of people surrounding him.

Peko Pekoyama: She's more worried about Fuyuhiko than herself. At least she can see an assassin and hit them, but a virus?

She'll try to be a human shield for his S/O or for Fuyuhiko.

Sonia Nevermind: Enthusiast to experience something so unique as a pandemic. Probably tells stories of how her kingdom handled pandemics in the past. Will be more than happy to host her S/O in her castle.

Akane Owari: Frustrated, like all the time! No one to punch but the wall! No sport events and the jims closed! Eat all day and train in her home if she can. Needs lots of cuddles.

Kazuichi Soda: Panics. Screams a lot. Takes a lot of stuff apart. MIght rebuild it... but probably won't.

Gundham Tanaka: Firstly he research if any animal could be in danger. Places a protection spell on all his animals and his loved ones too. He calls out people who don't wear masks in his own way.

Nekomaru Nidai: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!! Much like Akane he has too many energies and he's frustrated he can't train. He'd probably start some online training with webcams and all.

Ibuki Mioda: Day 1: "You'll see! I'll be super productive during this quarantine! I'll learn how to play a new instrument, write a thousand new songs,...

Day 2: Laying on the floor, face planted down: "UUUUUUGGHHHHHHH! End my suffering now!"

Mikan Tsumiki: Nervous wreck but very professional. Tries to get everyone to respect the protocol. "P-please r-r-remember to wear a m-" "SHUT UP YOU WEIRDO!" "AAHHH!! I'm sorry!" She'll probably have to work extra long shifts at the hospital. Needs lots of reassurance.

Hiyoko Saionji: Mini-Karen. "I won't wear a stupid mask to cover my beautiful face you pig barf!"

"Ahhhhh! I'm sorry for being pig barf!"

You'll have to take out the big guns "Hiyoko, if you don't wear a mask you won't get any candies! And apologise to Mikan, she's just worried for your health."

"Fine. Sorry pig barf." "I-i-it's ok." "That's definitely not ok!"

"Use the hand sanitizer."

"But it smells weird!"

"But it keeps you safe from the scary virus."

"... fine."

Mahiru Koizumi: Gets angry at the men that were supposed to control stuff better or something. Takes pictures from her window or rearranges stuff in the house for a nice shot.

Teruteru Hanamura: Cooking all day, everyday. Refining styles and trying new dishes. If he has a S/O he'll ask for... ahem, comforting intimacy.

[physicalturian]

[18+] Words of pleasure - Law x F!Reader - Part 5

[No spoilers] [Modern AU - College AU] [She/her pronouns used for the reader, no physical description; Everyone +18] Words : 6269 Archive of our own

Warning : Power play / Dom/sub Dynamics / Control / Stranger / Flirting / Aftercare / Awkwardness … If you feel like I should add more warnings, send me a dm or and ask

– Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4

You: Sup doc, got home safely?

[You sent an attachment]

I chuckled for a second, making myself laugh at the picture of the crazy scientist from Back to the Future I had sent. Then when I looked at it more than five seconds, I just regretted it. “I should have flirted. I should have asked him if he was free soon. But I did that. Wow.” Gathering my stuff, I was expecting him to be asleep but received an answer in no time.

 Trafalgar Law 😷: I’ll admit it’s creative real first text. But don’t send me that shit again, I’m not an old man.

You: Hey, it’s hilarious. You mad because you asked me to call you doc and now you regret it.

Trafalgar Law 😷: I just hope you won’t see that in your head when you’ll think of me, it can easily become a turn off, I think.

You: Damn, what if I’m into older men?

Trafalgar Law 😷: Lucky for you I’m older, then. Why are you still awake?

Trafalgar Law 😷: You should sleep, it’s late and you seemed tensed the entire evening.

You: You’re worried about me? How cute, I thought you were just looking to dick me down.

You: But I’m going to sleep soon, don’t worry hot stuff, I was just showering before bed.

You: Who knows, maybe I’ll dream of you 😉

 I read my message over, and over and as I saw him type and stop a few times I was quick to send another one.

 You: Yeah, ignore that. I’m tired, I’m not pushy promised. But you should sleep too, beauty sleep and all.

Trafalgar Law 😷: Depending on the kind of dreams you’re having, I’ll gladly join you.

Trafalgar Law 😷: You’re cute. I’ll sleep in a few. I still have some things to do, I’ll be sure to send you a text in the morning to ask you what you dreamed of.

You: Right, bold of you to assume I remember my dream. And that I’d share them with you.

You: But please go to bed, it’s getting super late.

[Trafalgar Law 😷sent an attachment]

Trafalgar Law 😷: I’m in bed, don’t worry.

 It was stupid, but I did laugh. He was sitting against his pillows, the simple black bed panel behind him. His hair was a lot messier than usual, but he did not look sleepy one bit. And he was still wearing his dress shirt, which clearly was in no way a pajama.

 You: Funny. You’re a funny guy Trafalgar Law, wow. You’re lucky you’re hot

You: You’re still fully dressed, that’s not going to sleep to me.

Trafalgar Law 😷: If you want to see me naked so bad, you have to work for it.

Trafalgar Law 😷: I did say I’d enjoy you on your knees, it seems like a good place to start. But, all in due time, right?

 Chuckling at his text, I bid him a good night without replying to his innuendo which was more than an innuendo, really. Hopefully, an unspoken promise of a goodtime. I left the bathroom feeling a bit funny inside and put the toy away before sitting back on the bed. I was wearing a large shirt so that I could show my legs if the HandSurgeon asked and sat with my legs crossed on the bed before typing.

 Edelweiss: Back!

HandSurgeon: Your lap is pretty red; how does it feel?

Edelweiss: it’s alright, a bit sore but I like it, it reminds me of yeah… the discipline so yeah, it’s ok

HandSurgeon: Cute, you enjoyed it quite a lot. Maybe you could take more next time if you feel like it.

HandSurgeon: But it’d mean you’d have disobeyed, which you won’t do. Correct?

Edelweiss: yes, I won’t. Sorry…

HandSurgeon: It’s alright, doll.

HandSurgeon: Is there something you enjoyed more this session? Or did not at all?

 Trying to remember the things he had said during the session, I was going to tell him that everything was good until I remembered that small thing he said, that I did not particularly enjoy. I didn’t know if he was going to tell me to just get on with it and try to enjoy it or anything but trusting he wouldn’t get mad I wrote down.

 Edelweiss: I really enjoyed your voice… that’s for sure but I didn’t enjoy being called a bitch in heat?

Edelweiss: it was alright right now though, but I don’t know, I didn’t vibe.

Edelweiss: sorry if you’re more of a degrader than praiser

HandSurgeon: I am sorry, I am indeed more used to be a bit rougher with my partner. I’ll be more careful next time, don’t hesitate to tell me if you don’t like something I do.

HandSurgeon: This is an exchange, we’re both in to enjoy it and have fun. And while I usually degrade, I am very much enjoying telling you how good you are. Even more so seeing how well you react.

HandSurgeon: You did good telling me your color, very good.

HandSurgeon: I believe edging was not in your list, but how did you enjoy it?

Edelweiss: soooo frustrating! And embarrassing to beg alright? But in a good way I guess… a very good way

 Pondering a bit more, I was curious. If we were giving feedbacks and asking questions, I could give it a go.

 Edelweiss: were you annoyed? That I touched myself.

HandSurgeon: Yes. I was. If I had you next to me, I would have brought you to my bed. I would have had you kneeling in the center, with that egg still inside you. The had you stripped down naked and would have looked at you. If you had moved, I’d strike you down. Simple.

HandSurgeon: You’d be begging in no time, really.

Edelweiss: it does sound kinda interesting though

Edelweiss: I’d definitely be up to it if you’d enjoy it

HandSurgeon: I’m sure you’d take it like very well, adding a blindfold to the mix would be even better.

HandSurgeon: You wouldn’t know when I’d strike. Jumping on the bed at the littlest touch. Goosebumps all over that pretty body of yours.

HandSurgeon: Running the tip of my whip over your skin. Barely grazing it. Then gripping the back of your neck and sliding my fingers through your hair. Pulling your head back to see that needy face of yours.

 I wanted to read more of him, see what else he’d do to me. I wanted to do something again. While my sex was sore, I could also feel the throbbing coming back and fuck was I ready to ask him if he had time to do it again. My body must have been moving on the screen, since I saw the new message from the dom.

 HandSurgeon: Stop fidgeting. There won’t be another session tonight, doll. I have to finish working, and you…

HandSurgeon: Well, you need to eat something and drink some water. Go get some food. We can hang up if you want, or you can leave the camera on. I would not mind the little motivation of seeing my girl on the screen.

Edelweiss: I won’t stay long, I have classes tomorrow. Lemme grab some food, I’ll be right there!

Edelweiss: but admit it, you just want to make sure I eat and drink 👀

HandSurgeon: I do indeed. Now, go.

 We then spent around 20 minutes on the call. I stayed with my camera on, still making sure he could not see my face, and ate up. He would reply a bit more slowly than during our session, since he was working, but when he did it was a lot lighter than usual. We talked of our lives, previous partners, preferences but it quickly turned to other topics. TV shows we enjoyed or had in common, hobbies, pets.

 I learnt he liked to sketch, mostly people, he never did art school and never wanted to but loved the human anatomy. He said he found it fascinating. I felt flattered when he suggested we find some free time so that he could draw me. I told him I’d think about it, then we changed topics but kept off the more personal ones, such as family, school and city. The less we knew, the better. It was weird, getting to know him after I had let him do as he pleased with me. But doing so made it more interesting for some reason.

 I did not feel anything much for the man, but I enjoyed his company a lot. I had no plan of meeting him at all, and if I ever found someone, I’d probably stop talking to him, which is something we both agreed on. This was just to get off, this was simply to both find that pleasure of having the power dynamic in play. It was interesting, and I never thought I’d be doing this but here I was, having hung up on a stranger I should call my dom. Here I was, exhausted after masturbating for him. Following each of his instruction.

 Having had a taste of that side I had never ventured on, I realized I liked it a lot and I could see myself doing it more from time to time. Maybe not all the time, but in bed it was so intriguing.

 I surprised myself as I laid under my covers, slowly drifting to sleep, when a thought crossed my mind, I wonder if Law would do that… I shook the thought away, but it came back just as strong, I was curious. He would look at me with the same look he gave me all night, intrigued and yet clearly expecting all those reactions of me. Knowing what he was doing, knowing the effect he had on me. Whatever I’d say, he wouldn’t be surprised, as if he could read me. He’d ask me those same questions he did that night, trying to get me riled up and I would let him. Would I imagine him as that man from online?

 Would I secretly be hoping he would be that good? Would I let him do as he pleased with me? Was I even going to go on a date with him? This last question had an answer already, we both hardly had any free time. I don’t believe we had the same schedule either, it’d be too hard. But I’d entertain the idea, it was fun. I was slightly excited if it did happen, after all he was attractive. And I could use the kind of fun he was suggesting, considering all the stress we must both be under.

 Turning in bed, I pulled my phone from under my pillow and texted Law.

 You: You better be asleep old doc, because I am hitting the sac. And ignoring your last text at the same time.

Trafalgar Law 😷: Shall I take that as a “no”?

You: Definitely not, but I want to know if your personality is as hot as your face, first.

You: For scientific purposes

Trafalgar Law 😷: Luckily, I did pretty well in sciences. I’ll help with your research then.

You: That means I can call you partner? Pardner 🤠 in research of a fun time

Trafalgar Law 😷: Partner of fun, if you want. Pardner, no.

You: Dagnabbit, sad cowboy noise.

Trafalgar Law 😷: I think you need sleep, partner.

You: I definitely do, good night pardner. You should sleep too, you looked fucking tired tonight.

[Trafalgar Law 😷 sent an attachment]

You: it’s pitch black?

Trafalgar Law 😷: Because I’m trying to sleep, and you keep messaging me.

You: no one’s forcing you to answer 😏 but good night pardner

Trafalgar Law 😷: Good night

 I did fall asleep soon after. It was a miracle I managed to keep the conversation that long considering how tired I was and yet I was able to exchange, albeit embarrassingly, with the hot guy. I did not know why I had sent him a message- who am I kidding I know why I did that. Not only was I in that post-orgasm daze but also, this little voice in my head kept considering him as a potential something.

 That something was yet to be determined, booty call? Romantic partner? Sex friend? I did not know yet, the only way to find out was that date. And perhaps, if it went well enough, the after-date part. Which I was excited about, maybe more than the date part.

 This time I did not dream of the HandSurgeon, I did however have a dream about Trafalgar Law. It was not as hot as the one I had the night before… But it was something…

 In that dream, I had called him out of boredom while working on some stuff, and he had picked up mildly annoyed. But even though he was annoyed, he kept me on the line while making his way to his office and closed the door behind him.

 Then the mood changed, the ambiance too, the lights got slightly darker and suddenly I found myself in his office. He was leaning on his desk, arms crossed across his chest and seemingly expectant. I saw myself approach him with determination, I was but a spectator to that whole scene. I stopped right in front of him and let him grab my hands before he pulled them behind his back and turned me around so that I was now the one against the desk.

 The view changed and I could see him from up close now, he was looking down at me with a smug smile. I saw his lips moving but could not comprehend what he was saying. His tattooed hand travelled to my neck, gently brushing his thumb over it before grabbing my jaw gently. He spoke again and while I did not know what he said, I felt nervous, and slightly afraid.

 I tried to ask him to repeat, and maybe I did but I could not hear myself. He leaned forward and let his other hand graze the skin under my shirt before whispering. “Edelweiss… my sweet and pretty toy. So good for me.” I let my head fall back in pleasure from his touches but the constant feeling of confusion and fear only grew. I tried to understand why I was feeling like that, among the joy I felt upon hearing his word. Then it clicked.

 He doesn’t know about Edelweiss- he’s not that man, he shouldn’t know.

 Now I’m in my bed. Looking at a screen, I can see someone on that screen, but I can’t see it really. Then I understand who it is, HandSurgeon, but this time it’s Trafalgar Law. “You want us to be the same.”

 “You wish I was real, you’re so desperate for this to happen with me, with him, we’re the same to you, Edelweiss. You should think, wake up, realize that you’re making a mistake, wake up, we can’t be the same, wake up, you just want it so bad-“

 “Wake up!” I was startled awake by Nami, who was looking at me angrily, already fully dressed. “Jesus, did last night tire you that bad?” How could she know what I had done last night? She wasn’t even home- Trying to come up with anything, I was too sleepy to be embarrassed, then she spoke and cleared my mind. “You know, if I had known socializing with Traffy would tired you that much, I would have brought him over a lot sooner. Maybe you’d finally catch some real sleep.” She explained as she kept her gaze on my, probably, sleep-marks adorned face.

 Sighing, she pulled the covers off my form without a second thoughts when I was unresponsive to her words. “This time you have more than 5 minutes to get ready but move your ass or I’ll leave you there. Come on, hurry.”  She stopped by the door and made a compassionate face, “By the way, don’t worry, he exhausts me too. It’s the smug face and the condescending attitude that just-“ she made a sounds with her tongue against her teeth, “it ticks me off, you know?” She was gone right after.

 Looking at the doorway longer than I wanted to, I started drifting off to sleep when I was startled awake once more. My phone was ringing, and I was very much aware it was not my alarm. Stretching my arm to the bed table, I grabbed my phone and was surprised when I read the screen and saw it was Trafalgar Law. I picked up in confusion, “What do you want?” With the sleepiness and the confusion, my tone ended up being a bit more aggressive than I expected.

 “How about you start with good morning?” I heard him chuckle, he was probably proud of that too. Rolling my eyes, I let my head fall back on the pillow and spoke again, “Good morning, do you need something?” I sighed and pulled my covers back on my form, hearing the blinker of his car in the background I guessed he was driving and was paying more attention to the road.

 “Good morning, did I perhaps wake you up?” He asked rhetorically but I could hear the smile on his lips. All I did was hum in return, still waiting for the reason he called me. “I’m free this Thursday, how does it sound for those… research?” He seemed reticent saying it, probably rolling his eyes at how stupid it sounded. Laughing in my throat in return, it was not charming but the way he said it made it too funny for my dazed state. “Too shy to call it a date? I need to check my schedule; I don’t know if I’m free.” Thinking he’d hang up, I instead heard him talk to someone before talking to me again.

 “Then go ahead and check, I’ll wait.” He unbuckled his seatbelt and rummaged through something while I checked on my phone, mumbling. “Can’t you let a girl sleep? Don’t you have a work to get to?” I opened the calendar but kept grumbling while doing so, “You’re lucky I’m not hanging up to go back to sleep.” While checking my schedule, I double checked if there was a time I could be free on Thursday and heard Law scoff.

 He huffed a laugh, “I think you’d have hung up by now if you did not want to talk to me, I don’t think it’s luck, but interest.” Then a sigh as he got a bit more serious, “Just answer the question, I have to get going.”

 Scoffing, I brought the phone back to my ear, “You’re just a pretty face for now, Doc. Don’t bet on interest just yet. Now, I’m free around 2 pm that day, if that’s cool with you. But add like half an hour or so, it gives me time to get back home.”

 “Give me the address of your campus, I’ll come and get you there.” I heard the sound of the car door being slammed closed in the background, and the rustle of a bag. “I’m not about to refuse a car ride, it’s a bit odd but thank you!” I quickly sat up, suddenly feeling excited for my plans on Thursday. “Don’t expect me to be dressed all chic though, if I have classes in the morning, it’ll be comfortable and only slightly fashion.” I said lightly as I made my way to my wardrobe to start getting dressed for the day.

 “Give me a moment.” I heard the phone being moved a bit, a few muffled voices greeting the man, footsteps echoing on the ground accompanied by the hubbub of phones ringing, beeping sounds and people talking. While waiting, I was able to get dressed and go back to my desk to prepare my stuff. After a few minutes, I finally heard him. “You were talking about your clothes, to be honest as long as it’s easy to remove, we’re good.” He said smoothly, I could hear the smirk, the smugness in his voice.

 I simply looked at the phone with surprise and pleasantness. That was interesting to say the least, and I was enjoying it. “You’re not saying anything, I’m assuming you agree. Good, then I’ll see you on Thursday? Don’t be afraid to send me pictures if you’re curious about what clothes to wear, I’d gladly help you pick.” I had to stand my ground, he was too smooth. Too much, too flirty, too… familiar…?

 “Just for that, I’ll wear the most intricate clothes I have. Make it worth your while, you know?” While his laugh was beautiful, it was also condescending. I kept having mixt feelings about the man. “Well, if I am in a hurry, know that I am very skilled with sharp tools, and I’d have no shame in tearing your pretty clothes apart.” The sound of the creaking chair in the background made me think he was probably leaning back on his chair. A quick thought crossed my mind, of going up to him and sitting on his lap and seeing what he’d do, but I shoved that thought away.

 Instead, I huffed in response and threw my bag over my shoulder. I tried to come up with a witty reply, making lame sounds with my mouth, but I had no matching energy. Even less this early in the morning. “Alright, sure, you win. I was not going to wear anything intricate anyway, even I’m too lazy for that. Casual it is, so don’t go looking all professional on me, please. I’ll feel off.”

 “Put it on my desk, I’ll be there in a few- it’s an important call, I’m sure he can wait five more minutes… He doesn’t have a choice, tell him to wait… Intern or not you can tell him to wait, how else do you expect to be taken seriously? …  Well, tell him I am the one who said that, then, Tony... Right, now go- And close the door behind.” I felt bad eavesdropping like that, it wasn’t a conversation I was meant to hear but it did not seem like any important information had been shared either. Except the fact that he said this was an important call when it clearly was not. It sent pride to my chest.

 Walking to the kitchen, I made a motion with my index to my lips to Robin and Nami when they started talking a bit too loud. I pointed at the phone, then wiggled my fingers before drawing an invisible circle on the back of my hand. I tried very hard to make them understand it was Law, but they seemed confused. Instead, I held my phone between my shoulder and my ear and spelled Law with both of my hands. This time they understood, I knew it from the huge grin on their face.

 “We got interrupted, sorry about that. If you feel intimated by a professional look, I guess we’ll have to drop by my place before going on that date. Do tell me if you’d rather I keep the medical coat-“ Cutting him off, I needed to set things straight. “Hey, I never said that was my cup of tea, okay? And I’m not intimidated, I’m sure you’re rocking the look- “ I never sighed more loudly than at this very moment when Nami snatched the phone from my hand, and said, “Alright asshole, time’s up, you’ve had time to work your charm… no I’m not doing that”

 Robin butted in next to the microphone and said, “She’s all flustered, Traffy, good work!” I went to grab it back from the ginger’s hands but the stepped back and exchanged a few words with Law before handing me my phone back with a bright smile. Bringing it back to my ear, I rushed back to the corridor to avoid them eavesdropping more than they did in the kitchen.

 “Sorry about them- for your outfit, wear whatever you want. I truly have no say in what you’re going to wear, plus you’ll look hot with whatever you pick so, it’s a win-win.” I quickly said, earning a laugh from the man on the other side. “I’d love to see your face right now, Robin did say you were flustered. Guess we’ll have to wait until Thursday.” He hummed, his tone having some finality to it. I knew it was my cue to hang up.

 “I wasn’t flustered, I- at best embarrassed- no wait that sounds worst doesn’t it? Anyway, see you on Thursday! Have fun at work, bye.” I waited until he bid me goodbye before hanging up. As I put my phone away, I leaned against the wall and sighed, letting my head hit the wall. “Are you okay?” Robin’s soft voice reached my ears, she was making her way towards me with a slight smile. Probably feeling a bit bad for going along Nami’s childish attitude only moments ago.

 Humming, I gave her a nod. But the words that followed were not matching the actions. “He’s like, very hot. And I really want to fuck him, right? But he’s also pretty funny, and good at flirting?”

Squinting her eyes, Robin asked, “Is that a question… or?”

“No, no, it’s facts and it confuses me! I was ready to just, hook up, but he could be more- I don’t know maybe I’m desperate.” I simply shrugged, leaving a silence between the black-haired woman and me.

 Looking up at her, she seemed to be thinking. Then she smiled, she was always the one with good advice but also a helpless romantic. “It’s a good thing isn’t it? You don’t need to worry too much, that date of yours will help you see if you’re really interested in him or not! If not, you’ll have great sex- if yes, you’ll still have great sex, and another date.” I groaned in reply, running a hand through my hair before giving her a short nod.

 “Yeah, you’re right. I’ll just- live my life until then, I have other things to do than think of a man. By the way are you home tonight?” I asked her as we walked back to the kitchen where Nami was nowhere to be found, there was simply a piece of paper with the words ‘bring your ass to the car’.

 Chuckling lightly, Robin shook her head. “I have to stay late at the library. Then Franky agreed to let me stay at his place, since it’s closer.” We talked a bit as we made our way to the door, where she wave me goodbye before closing the door gently behind me.

 When I was back in the car, Nami had one of her earbuds on and was talking more gently than she’d usually talk to someone. Which means she was talking to Vivi. I did not interrupt and instead grabbed my phone and saw a message from HandSurgeon.

 HandSurgeon: Are you feeling better? Don’t forget to stay hydrated, I’ll be a bit busy this week, but I can find time if you’d like.

Edelweiss: shit, just saw your message! Sorry, crazy morning. I am definitely sore, but it’s good, I can move so there’s that!

Edelweiss: Also, I might be a bit away from Wednesday to Friday, I am seeing someone and knowing how our session leave me pretty sore, I’d rather you know…

Edelweiss: be in good shape

Edelweiss: for a good fun

Edelweiss: a good fuck

 This time, I did not have a prompt reply. I put my phone away and it’s only halfway through my day, while I was working on something at the library, that I received a reply from him. I’ll admit, I had been expectant the entire morning for an answer. I had been deep in textbooks for so long, I was craving for any sort of interaction, from anyone. Which explained the speed at which I unlocked my phone to see the text from HandSurgeon, and even one from Trafalgar Law.

 I hesitate for a moment, then opened discord.

 HandSurgeon: It’s fine, you are allowed to have a life you know. Simply tell me if you want to stop this, or not, you know… if your someone is not the one and you still need a good fuck.

HandSurgeon: I will also be busy on Thursday, I’ll try to send you a text if I get some free time.

HandSurgeon: I just finished a long meeting, would you be up for a fun game?

 I stared at his messages, feeling a bit excited suddenly. But knowing myself, I would say yes, so I had to answer to Law first before spending my time sexting the stranger.

 Trafalgar Law 😷: I’m sorry we had to cut our conversation short, how was class? I have a bit of free time, if you’d like to talk about our research meeting.

You: That’s actually pretty cute, thought you were just a horny piece of meat but damn, you surprise me.

You: I am still on campus, drowning in work. I’d love to talk, but I need to focus, text me later? 🤠

 Going back on discord, I felt strange. I wanted to say yes, to play his game, but it felt wrong for some reason. I was double texting and it felt like I was cheating on a man I was not even dating. I ignored the thought and typed back.

 Edelweiss: I kinda wanna know, but also really need to get back to work. So, I’ll have to decline.

Edelweiss: But I’m curious, what was the game?

HandSurgeon: It’s quite alright, I was going to suggest you’d take a pretty picture for me no matter who was around. But you are busy, so I’ll leave you be. Focus on your work. I’ll talk to you later.

HandSurgeon: But for ‘emotional support’, I’ll give you this:

HandSurgeon : [sent an attachment]

 I snorted at his words, and smiled when he sent me a picture of his gloved hand gripping the wheel of his car tightly. I did comment on wearing gloves while driving, even though they were not medical gloves and it had some charm, it was very movie-like. And suspicious.

 After that, I put my phone down and got lost in work. I did not even see time fly by, what informed me that it was indeed a few hours later than I thought, was the grumbling of my stomach. “I think it’s time to call it a day.” I mumbled while packing everything up. With the books put back where they belonged and my laptop tucked away, I made my way outside and was walking through the parking lot when I saw a familiar mop of hair making its way towards me.

 I suddenly felt self-conscious and straightened my back before meeting his gaze and frowning in confusion. “Are you stalking me?” I patted my pockets in emphasis, before saying “Did you put a chip somewhere, or-“ Law shook his head as if I was being crazy. “Bro, it’s super super sus that you’re at my campus when I never gave you the address-“

“I asked Robin. I was going to ask Nami but she wouldn’t have given me anything.” He explained as if it was obvious.

 Looking around, I opened my mouth and closes it a few times. It was a bit awkward. “Why are you here, then?” I asked, still confused, my eyes squint in suspicion.

“Right- give me a moment.” He turned around and took a few long strides to get to his car and get something from the passenger seat before coming back. Even though his steps were hurried, there was still this elegance to it that I could not ignore.

 “I am very familiar with long hours of studying, so here’s a drink and some food. I used to skip meals, because I’d get too much into it. Don’t do that, eat.” While what he said seemed caring, he was not smiling or anything. But the gesture was so sweet I couldn’t help but smile.

“It’s very nice of you,” I said, tucking my hair behind my ear jokingly in faux-shyness before going back to a normal demeanor. “But I was going home. I was done for the day, here,” I handed it back to him before trying to find my wallet in my bag. “Let me, just- how much do I owe you?”

 He stopped me from rummaging through my back and ruffled my hair before handing me the drink and food back. “Nothing, I was passing by. Now I am sure to not get lost when I’ll come and get you on Thursday.” He winked, then looked back at his watch a moment. He seemed to ponder something for a moment, before looking up at me. “Would you like me to drop you off at your house? I have a bit of time before going back to work.” He asked kindly, showing me his keys as if trying to coo me.

 “Maybe you should go eat too? I’ll take the bus, it’s alright.” Smiling, the man pointed at his car with a certain pride. “Oh don’t worry, I got myself something too. It could be our first lunch date, you are so bent on traditions, so why not lunch?”

 I felt my cheeks heat up and pushed him playfully, careful not to spill the drink I had in my hand. “I’m not bent on traditions, I just barely know you, doc.” I looked to the side and shrugged before walking past him, “Let’s get lunch.” I said over my shoulder. I heard the man laugh in the back, then the jingle of keys.

 I tried to open the door but found it locked. I stated the obvious, “I can’t get in if it’s locked.” I was about to complain more, when he leaned over his side of the car and grinned. “Ask politely, and I’ll let you in.” I hated him, but the smile on my face was a betrayal of how I really felt. He was a little shit, but it was still fun. Rolling my eyes, I mimicked his action and rested my arms on the roof of the car, “Could you please unlock the car, doc?” “Good girl, was it that hard?”

 I turned my head towards him so fast I may have pulled a muscle in my neck, but the way he said it made it a lot more than just a nickname. He was testing the waters for something, and I had given him the exact reaction he wanted. “What, do I call you daddy now?” I said sarcastically while getting inside the car and buckling my seatbelt while he held everything before placing them back on my lap.

 “Not my thing, but I’m sure we’ll get to that conversation later.” He smirked as he put something in the glove box before closing it back and meeting my intense gaze as he leaned back on his seat. I was observing each and everyone of his action, feeling out of place in his car. I had met the man last night, but for some reason he felt familiar. Perhaps it was his aura, perhaps he was just that reassuring. No, clearly not, he looks threatening… “Something on your mind? I don’t know if you’re looking at me like you want kill me or fuck me,” Extending his hand towards me, he placed his index under my chin and lifted it, I quickly grabbed his hand like last time to stop him.

 “Maybe both, maybe none-“ With a short smile, he interrupted me, “Don’t be like that, I’ll ask differently. Are you uncomfortable? I haven’t done this in a while, so I’m trying to take it slow…ish.” He admitted. I could see on his face he was feeling just as sheepish as I was. Clasping my hands on my lap I chuckled nervously, “I’m good, I was just…. Observing. You’re doing good, simply put…” I trailed off and met his gaze with a playful grin, “Ye’re a looker pardner,” I then tipped my non-existent hat, which made him laugh genuinely.

 “You were just in awe?” He asked a bit surprised, hiding his bashfulness behind a laugh. “Exactly, take the compliment and don’t mention it again. Now drive, or you’ll get back late at work.” I huffed, looking at the window with warm cheeks. I felt a pull at my hand and looked at it confused, “I’d love to, but you’re still holding my hand.” I quickly let go and threw his hand back at him, “It was to make sure you weren’t going to do the whole,” Making a gesture with my hands in the air, wiggling my fingers, I continued, “Chin thing again.”

 Even though he agreed, only giving me a curt nod along with a “Right.”, I could see the smile on his face as he started the car. Looking at him from the corner of my eyes, I matched his smile discretely as I looked back at the road.

 The volume of the music wasn’t loud, I could hear the fabric of his coat as he maneuvered, the blinkers, my own nervous heartbeat. There was no reason for me to feel so nervous, we were just going to eat lunch then go our separate way. To try to calm down, I rummaged through my brain for topics to talk about, small talks was fun in social events but in one on one, it was a fucking disaster.

 Do you have any pets? Do you like cats? Maybe talk about his job? How long did he study? Or funny topics, less social, more creative? Politics is off the table, it’s not that great of a first date conversation. What’s your favourite colour? What part of your body to your prefer-

 I blurted out a question to try to fill the silence. And fuck did I regret it, I shouldn’t be allowed to speak when in that state, but it was too late. “So… what’s your favourite body part?” Wait, no, fuck, not…

[Part 6]

[cursedwriter]

You’re Everything and More - One Shot

Request: Anon: Hey, I saw that you’re looking for insp sooo I have the idea that the reader wakes up from a nightmare and Rob comforts her and there’s a lot of fluff thank you! 

Author’s note: Requests are open! Send anything you want! For the moment I’ll stick to one shots, otherwise I’ll lose control and I’m still in the middle of the Semester sooo that wouldn’t be great. Also I haven’t written in a while so this might suck alsooo can we please appreciate the gif like hot damn what I wouldn’t give

Word Count: 1.3k

“Shh, everything’s alright,” someone murmured next to you. “I’m here. It was just a dream.”

You sat up straight, momentarily confused about your surroundings, but the confusion vanished as soon as you felt his warm hand rub soothingly up and down your back. The room was dark, so you couldn’t see him, but you felt him shift behind you and suddenly his soft lips pressed feathery kisses along your shoulder. Gently his other hand searched for your face, cupping it and wiping his thumb across your cheek. Until this point you hadn’t even noticed that you were crying.

“I’m sorry,” you croaked out, voice sounding off to your own ears. “I’m sorry I woke you.” 

His hand fell from your face and you instantly missed his warm touch. “Don’t be silly,” he reassured you. You felt him laying down again, his hand reaching out to you once more, but this time to pull you down gently. You nestled yourself against his side, inhaling his scent and letting his comforting backrubs soothe you further. Soon your whimpers stopped and so did the tears. “Do you want to talk about it?” He asked after a short moment of silence.

You didn’t answer at first, not really sure what to say. It wasn’t because you were ashamed, you knew that you could tell him anything … but saying it aloud would bring the memories back and it hurt you just to think about it. He didn’t press, though, maybe thinking that you had fallen asleep again. “I don’t remember all of it,” you broke the silence. The dream was already hazy in your mind, seeping through your hands like sand. You could barely hold on to the exact images, but that wasn’t necessary anyway. The feeling of it lingered, burned inside your bones, your heart, leaving a scorching sensation behind, a bitter aftertaste. “You … You left me,” you were barely able to choke the words out, the hollow feeling still very much prominent in the pit of your stomach.

In response to your words, his grip around you tightened and he brought you closer to his body. You rested your head on his chest, listening to his even breathing and the steady beating of his heart. “You know I’d never do that,” he whispered against your hair, pressing a light kiss on it after he was done.

“Please, don’t make promises that you can’t keep.” Your voice was also barely above a whisper and after he didn’t answer, you were almost certain that he hadn’t heard you.

“I’m not,” he said eventually. “I mean … how could I ever leave you when you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me? When you’re literally everything I always hoped for and so much more? How could I?”

It was quiet again while you processed his words. You knew that he loved you, he told you that over and over again every day, but somehow you still couldn’t believe it sometimes. It wasn’t easy navigating your normal life through the craziness that was his life. In the beginning you found it kind of amusing that people were trying to get pictures of you, like … why would anyone want that? It was so absurd to you that you took it as a joke at first. Now, though, everything looked a lot different. Just because you were dating someone in the spotlight made everyone believe it was okay to spread false rumors about you, have an opinion on you as a person without having ever spoken to you personally and of course everyone knew what was best for Rob but Rob himself apparently… and the best thing almost always didn’t include you. You were bashed online for not ‘being good enough’ for ‘just wanting his money and fame’ and whatnot. Rob was better at ignoring snide comments. He was used to people having their opinions on him and he didn’t care much for it. You, on the other hand, had never had to deal with anything remotely close to this before. This stood in no correlation to your middle school self being bullied by some popular girl that liked to pick on you because you had had a weird obsession with Star Wars at the time and that was only ‘for boys’. And though, obviously that had hurt you at the time - because how could somebody hate you for something that you loved? – this now was a million times worse. You never really considered yourself to be super insecure – the normal amount of insecure, sure, nobody’s perfect and whatnot – but after that one afternoon where you went down an online spiral and sifted your way through every comment that was directed either directly at you or at your relationship with Rob, things had taken a considerable turn. You had cried for hours, thanking god that Rob wasn’t home to see you like this. He felt bad enough already that he had made your life a lot harder – which was ridiculous because it wasn’t his fault, but he liked to burden himself whenever he found an excuse to do so. It drove you nuts sometimes. However, all those comments had you questioning if someone like him could really ever love someone like you. And most of the time you came to the conclusion that you must be dreaming whenever he reassured you that he did love you.

“I just feel like that one of those days you’ll realize what a mess I am…,” quiet sobs escaped your lips, but you tried your hardest to force the tears back that were already welling up behind your eyes. “One day you might hate everything about me that you find endearing now and then you’ll leave me … and I can’t even be mad, because deep down I knew it all along … You’re too good for me.”

You could feel him tense under your touch, a long sigh left his lungs and the hand that was rubbing you back slowly came up to play with your hair. Something he liked to do when he was anxious.

“I hate that you think so little of yourself… I wish you could see yourself through my eyes just once.” While his right hand played with your hair, his other found your hand that rested on his chest and he intertwined your fingers. He brought your hand up to his lips and kissed every one of your fingers with brief feathery kisses that sent butterflies through your stomach. “Because if you did, you’d see that there is no way in hell that I could ever hate you! Ever!” He laid your hand down again, playing with your fingers now. “I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone as much as I love you. Sometimes the feeling’s so intense I’m worried my heart will suddenly explode because it can’t contain the amount of love I have for you! Being apart hurts me physically and whenever I’m away for work I count down the days until I can finally hold you in my arms again! I think everyone’s already annoyed by me, because I just can’t shut up talking about you, because you’re literally the only thing that’s ever on my mind. If anything, I’m the one who’s afraid that you might leave me once you’ve had enough.” He paused his monologue, deep in thought and then he added, “I don’t think I could survive that.”

You didn’t really know what to say after that, stunned at his declaration. The only thing you could think of was to show him how much he meant to you. You propped yourself up on his chest, laying on top of him now. There was absolutely no light in the room, so you couldn’t see his face. With your nose you slowly tested your way up, leaving kisses as you went: up his throat, on his jawline and cheeks and his nose until finally your lips found his. The kiss was slow and soft at first, but soon it turned needier, more forceful as if you were afraid that he might disappear under your touch.

Well, it’s safe to say you didn’t get much sleep that night. 

Send requests HERE

[funkymbtifiction]

hello ! so, for a long while i thought i was an enfp, but then, after a lot of time studying functions, it became a little more clear that i might be an entp (i use Ti and Fe better than Fi). now im thinking about enneagram: would you help me?

i really believe i am core 5 (which is weird for either entp or enfp). i enjoy mental stimulation and often start conversations or tease people just for fun. but still manage to be really really likable. i know what to say and when to say. i’m also really curious and enjoy learning, no matter what. i’m shy, quiet and could stay long hours alone in my room with no one, just doing stuff i like (reading, watching series etc). the same goes to when i was a kid: i was never really into playing with dolls or whatever, i would always read or invent stuff to fill my time with. i would enter my mom’s clinic and hide under the desk so i could draw while listening to her medical stuff.

im definitely not good enough with enneagram but i think that’s a 5, perhaps 7? i don’t know tho. but i like to pick up something id like to learn and stay hours in it.

the wing catches me tho, i think i could be w4 (if i’m actually a 5) cuz i have a need to be authentic and special (which is something that pisses me off sometimes, like: stop being irrational), but i think this 4 enneagram was the one thing that kept me through the enfp thing for so long. i like expressing myself and putting stuff on my wall and decorating my stuff. but still, when i think more about it, it’s not something as pure as an Fi user would do. because i don’t have the constant need to be true to my feelings; in fact i actually rationalize my feelings a lot. still, this need to be unique and especial sometimes follow me.

other thing: i am likable, i really am. i can truly see what people want/need to hear, and just saying it. or adjusting myself to the situation. i’m openly funny/jokey and charismatic. which may not seem like a 5 would be, right? idk

all the online tests i’ve made gave me 5, but tests are inaccurate tho. so i want some opinions about that

Being likable isn’t a trait of 5s. They are socially awkward and don’t engage people casually, since that draws unwanted attention to themselves. Attracting too many people to them would make them feel burdened by the emotional expectations of others, and they want to avoid attachments of all kinds and be autonomous in the world. That’s why they minimize their lifestyles and needs (sometimes through literal minimization; I had a running tongue-in-cheek joke during the pandemic that the 6s would feel concerned about not being able to find toilet paper, the 7s would make poop jokes about it, and the 5s would insist they don’t needtoilet paper, anyway!). 5s really only light up when you hit on that one thing they super care about and know a lot about, and then they have something to talk about with you.

You sound like an ENFP who is a 6. Rationalizing away your feelings is something 6s do to protect their emotions, and it doesn’t mean you use Ti, though a lot of 6 feelers assume they’re thinkers because they don’t make emotional decisions; that isn’t safe, it’s much safer to be smart and use your head. 6w7s keep things light and funny, are very good at getting people to like them by being humorous and self-depreciating, and are tuned in to other people and their emotional needs (if they are feelers). You probably have a 4 fix.

[kyluxtrashpit]

2020 Fic Recap

I really like writing these and 2020 has been a HELL of a year, so here we go lmao. It’s been a wild ride for sure

Total wordcount: 88 109 words (note: I’m subtracting the ‘sorry I didn’t finish this, here’s a summary of the remaining plot’ that I published for a fic in a previous fandom from this since it’s not relevant here). Overall I wrote less than last year, but given all that happened in terms of the world and personally and fandom-wise and all of it, I don’t feel too bad about it lmao. I also have a lot of WIP words of half-finished things and some planning and such so I feel okay with this

Favours, 4906 words, posted Jan 4

This was a weird one cause this is a two chapter reader insert fic, the same story but told with both Phasma and Hux. I originally wrote this for Phasma, but later decided it would be easy to tweak into a Hux story (which it was lmao) and figured people might like that, so I did both. I had fun doing it, even if this is kind of a very small niche ship and trope wise

Know Your Shadow, 5022 words, posted Feb 16

Ah yes, here we are, the first foray into renben, a ship I had NO idea would grab me so hard but here we are lmao. I’m not done with them either yet, don’t you worry. There’s something about the corruption angle I really like, also Ren is HOT, and it’s also interesting to think about Kylo truly getting to find himself and be who he wants to be. Canon didn’t really satisfy on this, but the concept still interests me and it’s what had me writing this fic. Also, Ben losing his virginity to an older man like Ren is just *chef’s kiss*

Public Indecency, 3719 words, posted Mar 1

And my second renben! This was partially inspired by art and partially by just the idea of not giving one single fuck, and how thrilling that must be for someone like Ben to experience. Ren and the KOR truly do not give a shit and it’s really beautiful in a way. Plus some hinting at found family with the KOR. Ngl, Ben/Kylo finding his place and acceptance with the KOR makes me so Soft and there’s so many words I could write about it. Plus public sex is very hot lmao

Beautiful, 3254 words, posted Mar 8

Back to kylux, and this one was an old WIP I started back when the prompt was first posted on KHK in like 2019 or something. I got stuck on it and then left it for a while. I was digging through my old WIPs, looking for something that might catch my interest and boom, this one did, so I finished it and then posted it. I quite like the fic and it’s a bit more in the ~classic~ style. It’s also always a good feeling to get an old WIP done lmao

Choose Your Destiny, 5077 words, posted Mar 20

More renben and this was my fix it fic for ROKR vol 4. I talked about this more on twitter at the time and why I found the story as it was unsatisfying, but ultimately it’s really just a case of rushed writing and playing into established bad writing (e.g. showing a fall from grace by having someone kill someone eviler than themselves). I also really liked Ren and I felt like Kylo didn’t really get to have enough agency in like... any of it. His motivations were weirdly absent as well, despite this being ostensibly about him. So I wrote this, which I think handled how the story should have gone a lot better and, plus, it’s got smut!

(Okay and the rest are behind a cut for length)

Show of Devotion, 2479 words, posted Mar 28

Renben once again and this time, I mean, it’s all inappropriate use of lightsabers lmao. I was looking at the Ren and was like ‘wow that is SO phallic’ and then the horny brain turned on and, well, here we are. I also wanted a side of found family with the KOR and I think got that with this. It’s horny. It’s fun. What more could one want?

Aural, 2729 words, posted May 12

Okay this one... I have absolutely no excuses for lmao. I’m not even sure where the inspiration came from, I just remember I was in an online work meeting that was boring and the entire sequence of events played itself out in my head. It was all I could do to focus on work for the rest of the day and not immediately write this cursed creation lmao. The worst part was I’d been totally blocked on writing since March and this, THIS, was what eventually broke out of me. In case you haven’t read this one, it’s ear sex. Hux’s dick, Kylo’s ear. No, I don’t know the logistics either. But hey, I had a blast with it, both in terms of writing it and the reactions lmao. Someday I gotta write a follow up involving a nose too

Missed Chances, 10 749 words, posted Jun 7

Ah yes, this is the point where my renben met my kylux and created this absolutely enormous peanut butter cup of a fic lmao. It really was supposed to be like half the length it was, but alas, it was not. Also cockblocking kylux was SO hard, they wanted to fuck SO bad, but I had to stop them, the story demanded it lmao (and people in the comments were MAD, which is always excellent). It’s also when my renben series really started to have like, an overarching plot (aside from the modern au fics which I’ll talk about later). I even still have more instalments planned

Free Use, 6971 words, posted Jun 23

Another one that turned out far longer than initially planned, and also my most popular fic this year! I’m both surprised and not cause like. It’s a complete smut fest + my heavy headcanoning of the personalities of the KOR. People like smut, but I also feel it’s kinda niche considering how deep I’m in for the KOR lmao. So idk, I guess the smut won out. I did have a lot of fun with this one and there’s a lot of characterization thought put into each KOR, so it was really nice to see people loving that as much as I did. Canon gave us crumbs, but I just used them to make meatballs

Eat You Up, 1573 words, posted Jul 5

There’s not a lot to this one, it’s really just renben rimming cause the sexual dynamic with renben is so fun. Kylo/Ben is inexperienced yet eager and depraved enough to impress Ren, which is something considering I think of Ren as Very Experienced lmao. I really do love this ship; it’s a lot of fun to play with

In the Vents, 2002 words, posted Aug 3

Ah and this was my first piece for the stuck inside event on twitter, which I had a lot of fun with. Stuck fetish is one I’ve always wanted to explore, but never had any concrete ideas for. This event led to me finally getting to have Kylo stuck in a wall (plus more as well), which was fun. Also I spent far too long thinking about Hux’s vent contraption set up cause I knew he would never let Millie go anywhere that might hurt her, so I had to come up with a way to make the vent safe and here we are lmao. Hux being an engineer and also the most extra cat owner in existence worked out very well indeed. This was also the start of my creativity boom near the middle-end of the year that uh kinda burned out in a not so great way, but I’ll talk about that later lmao

Distraction, 3658 words, posted Aug 6

Another for the stuck inside event and another kylux/renben sandwich! Also featuring the KOR this time! Listen... it’s a gangbang, it’s got renben, it’s got kylux, it’s got Kylo getting stuffed from all ends... this is the kind of fic that, to me, is pure indulgence lmao. I had a tremendous amount of fun with it

Entrapped, 3484 words, posted Aug 8

So this was also for the stuck inside event (yes, I wrote 3 fics in about a week lmao - I don’t know how I did it either) and it’s darker than the sort of things I usually write. I enjoyed exploring something like this though, something outside my usual purview. It didn’t perform super well, but tbh the dark ones rarely do so lmao

Pit Stop, 1505 words, posted Aug 31

Welp, this is just an excuse for watersports lmao. I like piss, what can I say? And I’ve done it to kylux, so I had to do it to renben, and the modern au ‘need to pee on a road trip’ seemed like the perfect opportunity for it. Not much to say for it really

The Deal, 2431 words, posted Sep 3

Ah and this one here was the first for the throwback event I ran on twitter! The event itself ended up kind of being tainted by drama from one singular person who kind of ruined it by being a jerk for literally no good reason, but I’m not going to talk too much about that. Even with that, I still greatly enjoyed it and this piece might be my favourite from it as a whole. Kylo Amidala, political scandals, neither of them being nice... ahhhh yes, it definitely brought me back lmao

Devotion, 1929 words, posted Sep 10

Another for the throwback event, this time with Emperor and Hound dynamics which, unf, yes, I will literally never get tired of it. I really had fun with every fic from this event and this one was great because I so rarely get to write real action scenes, even if they’re in a flashback here. That and the dynamic itself really made it fun

To Be Wanted, 10 473 words, posted Sep 16

Ah yes, and here is my KBB for the year! I did a minibang this time, as, well, everything was going horribly wrong around the time of sign ups and I thought a mini would be more realistic. I think I was right on that and I’m glad I did it, even if I was torn at the time. The idea itself is one I’d been thinking about for a while. I can’t remember if I thought of it after seeing the leaks for tros or after watching the movie itself, but it’s been with me for a while and while I dithered over whether or not to sign up this year, the idea came back and was just perfect for a minibang. Plus I got an absolutely amazing and wonderful partner, which is really what makes the experience of doing bangs so great. I love this fic, I LOVE the art for it, and the whole experience was definitely a highlight to 2020 as a whole, both overall and in terms of my fandom/writing experience this year

Floss Me, 2033 words, posted Sep 21

My third for the throwback event and also the dental fetish fic I’ve wanted to write for a while now lmao but could never figure out a scenario for. As some of you may remember, 2018-2019, I went through some pretty horrific dental stuff and ultimately I think it kinda gave me a fetish lmao. Also I feel like there may or may not have been a kinky flossing prompt on one of the prompt sites at some point, but I looked everywhere and couldn’t find it so. But anyway, it was a fun fic for a kink I think is quite underrated tbh

The Cost of Certainty, 2541 words, posted Sep 25

My fourth and final piece for the throwback event, and this one is also a contender for my favourite piece from that event. I have always loved the idea of Hux being a serial killer and this was a perfect excuse to write it. I’d also recently finished a rewatch of Hannibal and, well, you can see where this came from lmao. I love writing tension and it was just very fun all around. I almost wish I’d done something like this as a long fic but tbh I don’t think I would’ve enjoyed writing it as much

Huxloween Drawings, 676 words, posted Nov 1

So this isn’t a fic but rather the drawings I did for huxloween, but people wanted them on ao3, so posted they are. Now, I mentioned above that I had this massive creative boom in Aug-Sep, but that it burned out rather badly. This is when that happened. I got into this place where I just... felt like everything I made wasn’t wanted or needed in the fandom. That everything I like is so unpopular at this point that I should just give up and leave. That I’ve spent all this time and energy over the years trying so desperately to get people engaged and so few ever cared and I just... ugh. It was bad. It was really bad and definitely partly fuelled by the bullshit that someone brought up regarding the throwback event (and I still believe that they are the sole cause of it’s poor reception). I, uh, am doing better now and still working through it all but it was a really rough time. But I found myself still wanting to be creative so I decided to draw. I am not good at drawing. I am not an artist. But that’s what made it fun: I went into each drawing knowing it wasn’t gonna look great. That wasn’t the point. So I never got upset about it. I think it helped me a lot tbh and I did really enjoy it and I’m glad I did it

Unconventional, 7243 words (in progress), updated Dec 20, first posted Nov 18

So the next part of me trying to fix the bullshit in my brain creativity-wise was to post the first chapter to this fic. This is a piece I’ve been working on since 2016-2017 (I don’t remember exactly when, but it was pre-TLJ, and I’ve gotten a new computer since so I don’t have the original creation date of the document) but I could just... never get a plot together for it and ever since I abandoned a fic in my old fandom (and this year I finally posted the ‘sorry this isn’t getting finished, here’s a closure summary’ chapter), I’ve been hesitant to post WIPs before being at least 80% done. So I said fuck it, I’m gonna post this and not be scared. Is this fic complete? Nope, but the plan is starting to come together. Do I know exactly where it’s going? Nope, but I don’t need to. Is it self-indulgent as all hell? Absolutely. I love this fic and I love this story and I love the concepts within it. So I posted it and tbh, it really helped. And I think this, combined with my writing break where I drew for 31 days straight lmao were really my saving graces here

Test Run, 3661 words, posted Dec 31

And now my final fic of the year! Which is a ship I honestly wasn’t super into (I don’t hate it, it just generally doesn’t do much for me) but then I did that thing where I thought ‘hmm but could it be written in a way that I am into?’ which, in my experience, always leads to me writing exactly that. Which is what I did here lmao. I’m pretty happy with it though and despite it being very strange to write, as I really had to work to get these two to get where they were going lmao, I had fun with it. I honestly doubt I’ll write more of them, but I’m glad I wrote this one, and I think it’s a good experiment to close out the year with

What have I learned?

Honestly, this year was a clusterfuck lmao. 2019 wasn’t great for me either, but we all lived through this and it was certainly An Experience. I think what this year really helped me focus on was what made me happy. I ended up in some dark places and I don’t want to go there again. It feels repetitive to say that, once again, I have learned that writing what I want is key when I say that every damn year, but tbh I think 2020 underscored it even more so. Spite as a motivator, when used to much, smothers the spark of creativity and the joy of creation. The most important lesson I learned this year by far is to not let that take the driver’s seat. A dash here and there? That’s fine. But as your main motivator? That’s just not healthy. And I need to work to keep it from consuming me like it has been for too long

Goals for 2021?

So last year I didn’t set any hard goals and boy, is it a good thing I didn’t, cause I achieved none of them lmao. I didn’t write more words (though I did write more individual fics, and the word count gap between this year and last is about the size of the difference between a big bang fic and a mini bang fic so really, I think I did okay), I didn’t even write a single fic for BTHB, and, to be really honest, I did not manage to keep my love for writing alive the whole time. I was in a really dark place a few times this year, but that drop in Sep-Oct was the worst from a creative standpoint. I feel like I’m mostly out of it now, even if I still have some work to do maintaining it. I’m hopeful for the future in that regard. The only thing I really did accomplish was that I feel positively towards all the fics I wrote; I’m happy and proud of all of them

So what is my goal? Honestly, I feel like every year I have to relearn the lesson of ‘write what you want, have fun, be self-indulgent, fuck expectations, etc.’ and my goal this year is to not have to relearn that again, but to keep that energy and carry it with me for the whole year. I realize I may have to put some effort in there, but I’m okay with that. I don’t know what 2021 has in store, but if I can just keep my passion alive and not fall into that pit again, I’m calling it a win

[cloveroctobers]

•ALLEGRA BIANCHI•

IG info/bio: @/theeallegrabianchi | 303k followers| Entrepreneur | bad bitches go to therapy thxz 🦭👄

(24) 26 years old

From Swansea, Wales

Ofc she knows who Catherine Zeta-Jones is...her mother literally resembles her and remembers people coming up to her mom countless times asking for a pic growing up, and Allegra hated taking pics for these imbeciles...mainly because the attention wasn’t on her

has a dysfunctional family...

her mother is critical of almost everything she does but at least she paying attention?

and feels her father is neglectful and only seems to be heard when she’s in his face

all they know how to do is scream at each other instead of talking calmly to one another

her mother is of Venezuelan heritage

And Her father is of Italian heritage

her father’s side of the family resides in calabria italy

he named her after his high school gf that passed away due to his irresponsible drunk driving on their senior prom night

Her parents do not have the healthiest of relationships due to her father constantly cheating on her mother in the past...leading to verbal and physical fights

also has a kid or two outside of their marriage because of his unfaithfulness and allegra learned to hate them because of the hurt her mother showcased

In the beginning she was only around them because her father enforced it, that she needed to know her family “blood is all you got in the end.” He would always say but that was bs

Would take her, her half sibs, and her full sibs on day trips/weekend trips in his suburban

Has three full older brothers and one full younger sister

Because of this, Allegra did not have a clear view of what love was supposed to be and felt that anger in a relationship is supposed to be somewhat of the norm?

Many times she wished at night in her bed with a pillow over her head that her parents would just file for a divorce already when their fights would get bad to the point things would get broken and her mother would h*t her father (once with a metal bat) and throw him out of the house

Has had the cops called on their household before and cps definitely has/had a file on them

Has been in family therapy before and is currently in therapy mainly for herself because of the trauma & how it’s messed with her spirit as a person

Loves? Cares for her parents from afar but will never understand their relationship and why they’re still together to this day

Can go months without speaking to any of her family members and be completely fine with that

Had her younger sis, Nerina put her PRIVATE shit on blast via internet after love island aired and completely cut her off since she is “a clout chaser and money hungry bitch who can’t take care of own her child cause she opened her legs to a meth head who loves prison” OOP

she only has a decent relationship with one of her brothers who’s two years older than her, Vito. They seem to be the closest out of the sibs and he’s the only one she bothers to speak to from time to time

She’s a “cocktail entrepreneur” so I’m guessing she has her own business where she specializes in her own cocktail drinks? Working in some upscale rooftop/penthouse bar where she successfully makes profits from her signature drinks or has a brand that focuses mainly on cocktails

It took years for her business to take off and hasn’t been easy, not one bit. At times it felt like everyone wanted to see her fail and she has openly spoken about her struggles as not only a entrepreneur but as a woman in this business where no one wanted to take a chance on her

That just lit the fire that’s already inside of her

Aries sun + Leo moon + Scorpio rising? (Personality vs how you react to things emotionally vs you’re outside shell for those who don’t follow this too much. I’m not too in depth about it but I do find it interesting!)

Or should she be reversed as a Leo sun with a Aries moon? Aries are direct, fiery, one step ahead of others, impulsive, and know how to take charge. Leo’s are dramatic, loves attention, passionate, loyal, warm, and have a need to express their passions, and scorpios are intense, secretive, mysterious, and work strategically

anyways, I feel like she’s definitely improved as a person over the span of two years? Or at least I hope she has cause everyone goes thru changes

And she was frustrating in s1 so I just know she had some deeper issues going on so I really think therapy is helping her ass I wish it would help me lmao

Being cheated on honestly made her feel like her mother, weak in her mind she was with this dude for awhile—3 years and he just up and thought it was okay to cheat on her? With his personal trainer?! Yet he didn’t gain any muscle mass?! The ultimate disrespect!!! but one thing she knew? She wasn’t going to stick around like her mom did

But she was bitter about it foresure. She ultimately wanted to corner the girl for messing with HER man but part of her knew she wasn’t the only one to blame. However that didn’t stop her for cussing her out via voicemail a couple of times while intoxicated

Allegra always strived for love cause she’s never really seen it before or felt it

Sure she’s had many boyfriends before?And their names didn’t matter not only because she didn’t remember them? But she never felt the spark with them in the first place?

Maybe she wasn’t meant for love so she kinda put on this bitchy front and always been that way with some shitty friends she had around her until she recently cut them off a year ago

has gotten herself into trouble as a kid: trespassing, and destroying public property, smoking in the girls bathroom, physical altercations, cutting class, being assigned community service, etc... all with these friends she’s had for years!

Before she met her problematic friends in secondary, when she was in her pre-teen stage she was involved in the handbell team and in the Color guard but hates to admit it even tho her parents have pics all over the flat

went away to uni for a semester and wanted to join a sorority but the hazing was extreme to the point she was sent to the hospital then accepted? Which led to more trauma in her life so she dropped out

A few years later she decided on online courses and moved out of her parents flat as soon as she could with the $ she saved up and did not leave in the house since it was not safe to smh

Therapy was really helping sis, she felt a lot better and was working on her deep rooted issues mainly the anger and hurt and never really realized how it revolves around her life. She was super thankful for her therapist and reshaping herself

Many didn’t buy it but she knew she couldn’t give that much of a fuck? She couldn’t. In order to grow you got to learn that you have to involve for yourself and not others

She didn’t like the person she saw watching the show back but when she came back to the reunion a part of her hoped people saw some sort of change in her—even if it’s only been a few months since the show then

Sometimes she’ll slip back into old habits, wanting and doing so by snapping on people and blacking out by getting intoxicated and knowing that healing is a process and valuing yourself is the exact same

has a toy poodle that she loves deeply

doesn’t have many outside friends after cutting off the ones that were toxic

is pro-ab*rtion and had one herself which was aired out by her sister online

has a cozy flat that has a lot of brick exposure inside, a navy sofa which is her favorite piece in her house, and a view to die for!! which erases the fact that her apartment is “cozy” which she uses to replace the fact that it’s much smaller than what she originally wanted. She dreams big ya know!!!

currently has a crush on her art teacher who resembles Adam Rodriguez

but also feels like liking your teacher/instructor is a bit weird? Even tho they’re both grown

yes she is taking art classes now outside of work to find something that’ll bring her peace and these pass months they have until COVID hit where classes had to be cancelled yet she was contacted to continue online but she felt her art was truly shit but he says art is subjective

She feels like there’s a connection there? But at the same time isn’t looking for another relationship until she fully works on herself first! That took awhile for her to accept after she fell into some relations with a few ppl after the show

from there she realized that she might like girls too? And got a little annoyed that it took her this long to figure out especially with the way she felt around MC and cherry

doesn’t like to admit this but her fav holiday is Christmas? Even tho the theme is majorly corny to her but it actually makes her happy?

Feels like that was the only time her family showed love towards each other, and even tho they didn’t come from much, they always followed thru with their traditions

and she misses them a little bit around this time and might be the first one to call them even if the calls are short lived and kinda awkward at first

Loves making gingerbread houses and cookies

i feel like she now embraces her forearm hair but still gets everything else lasered

Miss Allegra has inches okay?! But I definitely feel like now in 2020 she’s chopping that shit off into a pixie cut and when she posts on the gram her hair is usually always damp when she shows it off

some comments — jake: lovely! Jen: babe, ur beautiful! Erikah: 😍 Tim: how hot! You’ve got the whole resident evil thing goin for yous

“Did he just call me a virus?”

And she might get a like from mason that’ll make her feel some type of way

We all have to go thru some growth you know so do you girl!

You can’t tell me she doesn’t play stabscotch!

Used to be obsessed with social media way before going on love island but lately doesn’t mind disappearing for months at a time? You have to cleanse yourself from that shit

idk i see her being mostly cool with jen or erikah and will hang out with them from time to time? Maybe they experienced some growth too, shit I sure hope so

still feels something for mason??? But at the same time maybe it was mainly superficial since mason wasn’t fucking with her like that, not 100% but at the same time gets frustrated that he still doesn’t see where she’s coming from and it’s been 2 years???

She loves hard if given the chance and then feels like shit when it doesn’t work out cause it feels like she wasted a fuck load of time

she no longer follows him because she feels like it’s better for her spirit or whatever and she doesn’t need to see him with someone else

the only guy that she really interacts with is Tim, yet tim is cool with everybody!

Otherwise there’s no real connection with her and anybody else? She wants to keep love island separate from herself now because she’s not exactly the same as she was two years ago? And hopes someday people will get that

Probably watches those auction shows on the telly late at night when she can’t sleep, hoping and can afford some of those things one days

I feel like she has chronic migraines too?

Once had a significant other buy her Allegra-D in all seriousness for her birthday because it reminded them of her & thought it would help her headaches 🤨

Loves the snow, but hates cleaning it off her car! S/O to those HOA fees, bless it cause leggy’s deff bussed her ass once before breaking her collarbone and sued like a mf!!!

Since her hours are hardly consistent since she’s mainly her own boss, she’ll have late nights/early mornings when she returns home and has to shift days where she cleans the flat but when she cleans??? It’s best everyone stays tf out of her way

And don’t try to help her cause you’re doing it wrong 10/10 of the time, she loves cleaning and has dropped mad money on those super expensive vacuums

Only knows how to make what’s relative to her culture: arepas, penne alla vodka, and cawl but otherwise than that? She’d rather clean then spend hours in a kitchen cooking unless she’s making cocktails ofc!

also loves shopping for clothes but shoes are her fav things to shop for

Deff has a steamer over a iron for her clothes

Keeps eucalyptus and lavender oil in her purse at all times

posts mainly on her stories and made a deal with her supporters that she’ll go live once a month since she feels like she owes them that? Since she’s not as active anymore but she really doesn’t owe anybody shit but out of the newfound kindness of her heart...she does

Believes she got Covid before they all decided to do a shut down/lockdown of restaurants, bars, etc.. and her suspicions were proven correct after she decided to get tested

her anthem? Kali Uchis — Dead to me (acoustic version)

[aprito]

hello <3 since i got these asks at the same time i decided to combine my thoughts on them in this post. yet another annoying sjw essay from yours truly on this blog 

before i get into these i think i need to preface why im like. i guess overly hyperfocused on a certain unproblematic base (same age au / platonic canon) for them and avoid the ped0philic content like the plague lol

tw for pedophilia ment, rape ment if that makes you squicky. ALSO THIS IS LONG AND RAMBLY

as i’ve mentioned a couple times already, ive been into the ship since i was 12, back when it was very very common to not only post untagged (nsfw) canonverse content of the two in writing and in drawing but also non con and the like, so you can imagine how bad my first impression online was. thinking back on it ...as a child i found it disturbing but didnt really register how problematic it really was?? (i know, but i also lived in the middle of nowhere and had no one explain this to me) 

skip to 2014 aka me coming back to naruto at 17ish and i had kinda become hyper aware of the fact that there was an increasing amount of people online who had come forward with explaining how fictional problematic content, mostly pedophilia, had been used to groom them into starting relationships with adullts. it was also a time where a lot of people didnt believe these victims, not registering how common it was for minors to be online friends with adults who had no boundaries and no qualms exposing them such content. not gonna get into my personal life here but i was lucky to not having gone through this myself. like... it kinda was my first time truly realising how fiction can EASILY be used to manipulate others irl (and yes i will not argue this, if you dont think fictional media can form and manipulate people’s opinions on attitudes, countries, cultures and virtues, pick up a book about the effects of propaganda media at least once please) 

i, being young, still liking the dynamic but not really the romance, would point this out here and there in the fandom and get into fights with grown adults in their mid 20s who assumed i automatically hated the ship(s) and tried to restrict their freedom of speech or whatever, heard everything from the “age of consent doesnt exist in naruto” to the “sasori looks like a child what does it matter” despite people clearly playing on him being older and experienced. it made me so upset that people were just consuming all this content uncritically and exposing children to it tbh?? not really just sos but a lot of minor/adult ships in naruto in general. and thats where i sat down and thought, i do not want to be a grown adult talking down to children that point out how unsafe the fandom is. theyre absolutely right in drawing these boundaries and calling out adults who defend the uncritical consumption and creation of this content. i do not want to consume or create content that predators could use to groom minors, and i absolutely do want to let younger people in fandom know that i am respecting their comfort zones and want them to have a safe and fun experience. after all, naruto is not an adult show and i think a lot of people forget that!!!! i am not perfect in that regard but its something that i, at the age of 23, am very passionate about and strive towards to.

and i guess thats where same age au was born for me and i have been sticking to it ever since. 

so finally we can move to the first question 

aside from the fact that we both dont like canon sos, i dont think it would work out even if i wasnt prejudiced to it anyways. in all honesty, 35 year old canon sasori is not a redeemable character to me, given the fact that he’s easily amongst the cruelest villains in naruto (torturing and killing and taxiderming people for his own fun personal gain, never for a goal that served anyone but himself. how do you redeem having over 300 corpses in your backpack that you felt absolutely no remorse for killing). sasori was legit one of the only cruel villains that didnt had someone else pull the strings, which sends a clear message on kishi’s part, who absolutely loves to redeem villains LOL.

being that old, he obviously had already been very manifested in what he believed in, even if it was shakey, to the point where the first crack in that world view (sakura and chiyo protecting each other) immediately had him give up on his life all together. that, in my opinion, is not a man who’s going to know what healthy relationships would look like, regardless of it being romantic or not. 35 year old sasori to me has the same appeal as an expired can of tuna and he’s probably very happy 6 feet under. he’s supposed to be a failed gaara in that sense that he had no one to look out for him and therefore was never going to experience anything but a bad ending in life. its fine that hes dead honestly, it wraps up his short character development the best IMO.

adding to that, seriously, sakura was obviously interested in knowing why he was that way, and called him out for being seriously fucked in the head, but it’s weird to me that people assume she had any interest in actively rehabilitating him, let alone starting a serious romantic relationship with him. sakura who’s not only very, uhm, immature and straight forward when it comes to her romantic viewpoints also, as a big bootlicker, wouldnt soil her standing in the village by starting anything with a disgraced and far too gone criminal like sasori. shipping that version of sasori with sakura intimately is still going to set her up for a huge power imbalance that would be difficult to handle imo, even if she was the one in the fight ultimately exerting her power over him. i would still look at it and think damn she deserves better than having to play therapist for man like that lol.

additionally, even if you ignored all of this, you cant really ignore that sasori had already known her as a child, and that had been his first and most impactful impression of her. i dont think that sasori would look at 35 year old sakura and see her as a grown woman and not the little green girl she was in the fight. plus, you easily fall into predatory comparison territory between the “childish” and “womanly” and i have seen way too often in fic just being boiled down to her now being fuckable. a lot of of ships do this and i would just like to remind yall thats it not normal for adults to want to start relationships with children they have seen grown up or known as a child when they themselves were fully grown adults. therefore, maybe if sakura hadnt met sasori before it would be less of a problem? but that also obviously defeats the point of the dynamic and the reason he died in the first place. so yeah, it sounds kind of doomed especially if you were to make it romantic. 

WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE SECOND QUESTION

let me preface this that im not fundamentally against age gaps, even if im not super interested in it. after all, colorblind had a 5 yr age gap (with sakura being 21), even if, say, i wrote similar fics today i probably would make it smaller lol. i think it can be handled well if both parties have enough life experience to deal with it, and the author is cautious of where the age gap starts, i think a 10+ year age gap would be fine in a scenario where the younger party (i guess sakura) was at least 25-27ish, meaning she has completed most of her most formative life stages and probably had been in relationships before, meaning she would be able to handle it without having to fear a huge power imbalance. the older the younger party is the less the age gap is going to matter tbh .TsukiHoshino and AngelOfDeath10 both handle age gaps in their fics really well imo, so i do not mind reading about them.

unfortunately, a lot of people in this fandom think making sakura barely "”””legal””””” (18, not even 20 which is hilarious to me because the source material is obviously japanese) because they both cannot stand her being past her “prime years” of being young fertile and fuckable to much older men as well as thinking a 20 year old is automatically old enough to handle that type of relationship. ive seen a lot of unironic takes that believe it will absolve them of callout posts if they throw around age of consent and “shes 18 now suckers!!!” enough lmfao. absolutely hilarious. aging a minor up without aging the adult down seriously reeks of predatory “cant wait until youre 18″ narratives and thats why i find it similarly disturbing as straight up pedo shipping.

ultimately, sasosaku is and will always be a inherently problematic ship in canon, which is why i think it should always be handled a little more responsibly in fandom spaces, ignoring or outright excusing the main problem factor, which is sasori, isnt going to convince anyone that the dynamic in itself is well written and interesting enough to explore in aus, like giving sasori the redemption most of us wanted him to have by aging him down to a point in time where he was still realistically going to allow being positively influenced, similar to gaara. 

so really, what i think is well handled age gap and how most people handle age gap in the naruto fandom are two different worlds at times lol 

tl;dr

canon shippers have never been anything but gross when i was younger and i didnt wanna be like that, even if youre “smart”enough to differenate, actual creeps dont really care and might use your content to blur the lines, sasori isnt rly redeemable so romantic canonverse realistically wouldnt make much sense and is still iffy, age gaps are fine if they are handled well, but given that the dynamic doesnt really need the age gap to still work im not that invested on making that an essential part of my shipping experience.  

thank you for reading and hope this makes sense!

[tinysatansierra-blog]

Markiplier manor is toxic here’s why

So Markiplier manor (Markipliers official discord server) has gotten a surplus of new people in it, this happened a few weeks ago the manor itself though has been up for awhile. originally a members only server it was eventually opened up for everyone and yes there are alot of genuinely good people and the mods are alright but unfortunately its becoming a toxic environment. 

SO EDIT i have discussed with the mods that being said ... im keeping this up as a reminder of we can do better we can help people who are struggling through something instead of shutting them down we can listen to people who are being oppressed and bravely point out new media that only worsens that oppression and stigmatization and not just the mods who i was kind of harsh towards but who are human everyone as a community can do better and this is a large community think of the work we can do just doing the basics like boycotting problematic content and helping those who cry out for it who need it (and noticing and shutting down manipulative/toxic behaviors) ... i dont know if im going to go back to the manor yet tho im going to let this sit give it a week yall can agree or disagree but know that if you try to be an ass your going to get shut down and your feelings are going to get hurt 

lets start with the basics “triggering topics” triggering topics can be anything in particular but it generally means a topic that relates to another persons trauma. Now while it is important to acknowledge a persons trigger words and try to keep the conversation respectable ive also noticed people use it to shut down people who come on freaking out because their dealing with a stressful situation/something traumatic just happened. This has happened to me personally and to a friend with me it was about being pro choice and having to in short make that actual choice. i was discussing this in the bathroom because i (like anyone else who comes in with baggage) did not know about any pro choice discords at that moment and was afraid of being stigmatized or going onto a discord that says its a safe space only for it to be filled with trolls. Mark manor is labeled as a safe space and many people come on there looking for support with me no one told me that the topic was triggering to them (which apparently it was because a friend of theirs had to make the choice not her herself think what you will) they just went to a mod early on when i just found the server as a member a friend (who i wont name) had gotten.... assaulted majority of her werent online and as someone who has been there and yes when she told me it did trigger my own trauma she needed moral support... the mod shut her down and deleted her comments and didnt give her a pointer to any other discord where she could discuss the topic openly and get moral support and be pointed to resources (it actually took me ten minutes to find and confirm a lgbtq therapy chat earlier this year for another individual discussing mental health) this was before i had gotten on for that day but i noticed those messages and i contacted her when she told me what was up yea it triggered my memories and its not fun but I FUCKING HELPED HER i made sure she went to the police to atleast file a statement (while the police dont always help it is good to have it on file) i even made her a plush and shipped it out to her and i would do it again and again because its not good to basically tell another person to shut up because it triggers others not without atleast trying to help them find another fucking place and making sure their actually ok and in a physical safe place  next is them claiming the manor is a “safe space” a safe space is by definition  “ a place or environment in which a person or category of people can feel confident that they will not be exposed to discrimination, criticism, harassment, or any other emotional or physical harm.” you would also think that the manor would be a safe space in the fact that marginalized and oppressed groups of people would be able to point out problematic content and have an open and free discussion about it and how it makes them uncomfortable. especially people of lgbtq community which alot of people in that chat are. yesterday (and this was what caused me to officially turn away from the server) in the patio (which is the members only chat) a Transgender individual pointed out the problematic content that is huniepop and how it fetishizes trans people as well as other minorities now this game i hear tries to make itself out as a “parody” .... its not its a sexual dating sim what would make it a parody is if sex noises were replaced with donkey sounds and the lewd pictures were replaced with poorly drawn doodles of tits or what have you its a game for incels marks hilarious when he plays it because he doesnt take the game seriously my issue isnt with him its with the developer. and if you did not know (which apparently people dont) the character poli is described as “a girl with a dick” the individual pointed this out because they felt like it dehumanizes them and paints them as nothing more than a fetish... and also apparently you can “choose” is poli is trans which kind of gives off the message that people can ignore trans peoples identity if it makes them uncomfortable... or if they dont sexualize them. and the muslim community is more or less in the same boat i come from the bible belt in usa im not muslim i am not trans but i do have a reason for standing with both and i will get to that in a bit so i was raised in a christian household in a christian setting like muslim women were basically told we cannot have sex and any sexual thought is sinful and we will be punished blah blah blah your even more closeted if your gay or bi because then you can face ... violence that being said to make the woman from the middle east hyper sexual like they did is kind of shitty even for a incel pleasing sex game. the individual who thought it would be ok to discuss this in the server because its labeled as a safe space and is generally “lgbtq” friendly thus believing he would have people agree and discuss ... was unceremoniously shut down by their peers and a mod was notified this person was not hostile maybe a bit frustrated because he wanted to talk about it and thought he would have this genuinely helpful conversation and people would listen and spread the word because to have problematic content be popular can isolate the oppressed group even more so WHEN NO ONE WANTS TO LISTEN TO THEM. if a group of marginalized people notice something problematic with content and you claim to be an ally of said group then you need to acknowledge and support what they say. they told him to go to twitter where he could potentially be bullied and written off ... because again its an INCEL PLEASING SEX GAME.(which means incels if you ever dealt with them will go and say anything to justify the game even using slurs and bullying) and to put the icing on the cake to change the topic they brought up robin ... i actually dont know who robin is as i dont really focus much on youtube creators personal stuff (it feels off for me to not personally know an individual but know their personal stuff without having actually talking to them its weird i know its a thing i have in my head) but apparently they recently came out as female and good for them im super proud of him and the patio members were discussing how they were proud of him as well for beginning to wear makeup and making themselves more feminine which would be great if they werent trying so hard to shut down the trans male who was trying to spread awareness on problematic stuff .... something he pointed out ... and something they gaslighted and said he was being hostile. really its almost as if they only care about trans issues when its someone famous discussing them  so what can we possibly do about huniepop being transphobic and the answer is very easy BOYCOTT IT like... yall were up in arms and boycotted jk rowling with snap and a turn do we only cancel the old and ugly? do we only cancel those who we dont think is funny? mark is not at fault he probably doesnt realize it and any comments made on the issue are talked down upon or drowned amongst other comments im not saying to cancel him im saying to cancel the game HARD. ignore the posts bitch at the dev demand refunds for your game. like consumers have infinitely more power than corps want to admit.  so you basically have a community that claims to be a safe space but only if you want to talk about sunshine and rainbows and its highly hypocritical of them to claim safety.  another thing is emotionally abusive/manipulative people hide in the server and the mods dont ever seem to acknowledge it. i cannot tell you how many times ive gotten into arguments with people who seems nice then turn into assholes then claim to be the victim when i or others go off on them. if you recognize my name you know i dont stand down when it comes to having a snarky or rude comment thrown at me if your going to be an ass were fighting i dont care how nice you seemed beforehand and you dont get to call a mod just because i actually stood up for myself or others sorry not sorry dont be a bitch nuff said.  now why would i care so much about problematic content? why would i care and stand by the transgender and muslim people (aside from being ya know... an actual ally and not someone who claims it for sympathy and brownie points?) its because i am autistic i am also able to function well on my own but there is a movie created by the famous singer sia it is called music it is a movie frowned upon by the autisitic community because infantizes and dehumanizes non verbal autistic people i am fortunate and unfortunate in not having to deal with much stigma unfortunate because i wasnt diagnosed until i was 17 alot of answers about my behavior could have been answered if i had been diagnosed earlier but considering society loves the quiet timid female and i functioned “well” for neurotypicals i was ignored. so yea you bet your ass im standing with them and raising awareness about huniepop and their was this one person when i mentioned this point i cant remember there name nor to do i give a shit about them because when i mentioned how autistic people ... how i was in the same boat with music by sia (again i advise that no one target the actress who was under contract target sia and please boycott her so she knows she cant get brownie points or money for a movie that stigmatizes who she claims she wants to “help” (*cough* profit off of *cough cough*) and only serves as a feel good movie for neurotypicals and ignorant people)  they said “i heard people who hated the movie i heard people who found it alright people are ALLOWED to like problematic content” ... and like ... does anyone else see the problem here? its not hard at all to boycott celebrities for making content  and im going to repeat this point  IF A GROUP OF MARGINALIZED, STIGMITIZED AND OPPRESSED PEOPLE CALL OUT SOMETHING FOR BEING PROBLEMATIC AND YOU CLAIM TO BE AN ALLY YOU FUCKING LISTEN TO THEM AND DONT SHUT THEM DOWN I DONT GIVE A SHIT YOU DONT HAVE A FUCKING EXCUSE. if you cant bring yourself to boycott a piece of media and replace it with the infinitely more suitable forms that supports the group you claim to be for your not an ally your a fucking hypocrite  and that is why i left markiplier manor i am still a youtube special ... thingy member and i will continue to be a member to support mark i want people to overall listen to those who speak up against a creator and a piece of media and listen to us all no matter how “good” something seems. .. also there is a video called listen it was created by nonverbal autistic people  and communicationFIRST a group that sia apparently communicated with for her movie... and then ignored  https://youtu.be/H7dca7U7GI8

[mycptsdrecovery]

TW for abuse, mental health crisis, unreality, mental hospital mention

hi im a 19 year old and still living with my parents. ive been trying to move out since august and i planned to move out by december. in late december i was not having much luck with housing and i started having memories of not so great things my parents did to me throughout the years play in my head. i rly have no idea how to explain this confusing clusterfuck of a situation in just a tumblr ask but basically i want to know if the things my parents did count as sexual abuse.

from a young age my parents didnt respect my boundaries. my parents often touched my butt (it sounds so stupid calling it that idk what else to put) in seemingly nonsexual or accidental ways, but they didnt stop as i grew older. i remember the first time that i realised i was being sexually abused (thats how i thought about it at the time, idk). i dont remember what my dad did specifically but i was 8 years old-ish, i started puberty around then because my body hates me. it was probably to do with my butt/waist/ things and my dad touching them. we were about to go in a shuttle to the airport, it was like 2am. i remember i stayed silent through whatever happened but at some point during or after i remember bursting into tears and like... thinking to myself that my dad is sexually abusing me (i dont remember where i learnt what that is) and my dad asking me what was wrong but i refused to talk because i was scared. moments like these where my dad touched me in a way that didnt feel normal and i burst into tears happened multiple times. ive felt very uncomfortable around my dad for most of my life at this point. hes the kind of dad who doesnt talk about anything hes thinking or feeling, doesnt talk much at all or have many friends. we have rarely had conversations past surface level talk thats appropriate for strangers or acquaintances so i have never known whats in his head and whenever ive tried to get him to talk with me about something serious he shuts down and leaves. hes very neglectful emotionally, though he used to sometimes fulfil his emotional duties as a parent when i was a very young child according to my mum but he stopped at some point. for a really long time ive been afraid that my dad was sexualising me in his head or sexually attracted to me. ive grown up having nightmares about my parents raping me.

here are some of the things i remember my parents doing. some memories are not easily accessable and some have not been processed as an adult.

TW

-both my parent regularly touched my butt in a variety of contexts. i never confronted my dad about it because i knew he wouldnt answer me. i have learned to only hug my parents in a specific way so that my arm is always under their arms so i can stop them from putting their hands too low.

-my dad used to put his hand on my waist and hips/lower back. he was basically doing the kind of casual touch that you would do with someone ur in a sexual relationship with. he doesnt anymore because i have stopped allowing him to spend much time with me.

-my parents, mostly my mum have touched my breasts very lightly and casually. it could be seen as accidental but my mum has never responded to my frequent requests to stop touching me like this.

-my mum showed me her vagina once as... sex ed? i have no idea if this is normal which is kinda how i feel about most of the ?sexually? themed things my parents have done.

-my mum has always commented on my body in ways that made me very uncomfortable, such as often commenting on how i would be sexually harassed because of the outfit im wearing, even the necklace im wearing.

-my mum gave me several moderately detailed accounts of sexual assaults that hve happened to her, like for instance when i was around 6-9? she used a story of a sexual assault that happened to her while in a pool to say that i be afraid in public pools. the amount of detail was very unnecessary.

-one time my mum was telling me about how boys pinch girls buttcheeks to tell them they think theyre 'sexy'. then she pinched my buttcheeks a bunch of times even though i didnt want her to. im sure she did this many times and i was literally like 5 years old or something.

-my mum talked to my sister while i was in earshot about... how she would be ok with it if i married my 1st cousin? and she named him specifically. it made me feel rly weird around him.

-again my dad has always just given me huge predator vibes and ive always been super afraid of him.

this list is definitely incomplete but i dont remember anything penetrative or to do with anyone touching my genitals.

i tried to tell someone about the "sexual abuse" twice when i was 13, both during mental ward stays about 9 or 10 months apart. the first time is completely blacked out from my memory and the second one... they told the police. my dad was questioned and nothing happened because i never wanted anyone except the nurse who i told to know and refused to tell anyone any details. i just wanted to get a weight off my shoulders. instead i got a 3 or so year long period of my mum emotionally abusing me to a degree she never had. i was almost completely convinced that i had never been sexually abused. i still dont know if its true or not. the specific term my mum used was that i "mis-interpreted" my parents actions as sexual abuse. i didnt push back, i was too terrified of her and i just dissociated to cope with those years. i was very very isolated from anyone except my mum. i wanted desperately to be a young child again and felt like one most of the time. before 6 years old was the only period where i felt like my parents actually liked me.

when i was around 15 i started sexually getting involved with older men online. i wasnt attracted to them, i didntdesire them, i just was so traumatised from... whatevrr u want to call the way my parents treated me but i didnt feel that i had the right to be. i felt like i needed to get some "real" trauma and i dont want to say what i did but im lucky that none of these men ended up meeting up with me irl at least. the fucked up thing is that though it did traumatise me, i kind of felt better because i wanted something i could feel justified in being upset about.

now im 19 and my brain is hitting me with all these memories. i havent felt safe with my parents for most of my life. theyre neglectful and emotionally abusive towards me. they abused all my other siblings physically quite a lot and two of them have moved to different countries so that they can not live in the same place they grew up in. 2 out of 3 of my siblings have completely cut ties with my parents for years now. when i was 11 i recoeved an email from my brother telling me about our parents not being safe people.

ive started to consider the possibility of the constant violation of my boundaries counting as sexual abuse. i have a lot of sexual trauma symptoms and i have for a very long time. i grew up afraid that my dad was going to rape me. i think i was abused by my mum into associating holding my parents accountable with the punishment she put me through after she found out i reported them. i just want to know if im allowed to be upset about this. im terrified that this is normal, because if its normal that means i was a gross freak as a kid who just "mis-interpreted" these actions to be sexual abuse. i need to make sense of my reality somehow. im so confused.

you absolutely have the right to be upset by this. what they did to you was not okay. an adult touching a child intentionally in inappropriate areas is molestation, even if they played it off as not a big deal. many of the things you mentioned also sound like grooming which is often a part of childhood sexual abuse. i’m so sorry these things happened to you. i hope you are safe and can find a way to not be around your parents.