#bc my brain was so fucked up that i wouldnt feel tired

[hyperfixation-fix]

Aight so.

Just reblogged a post that mentioned Nico canonically having depression (totally agree), but I wanted to talk about my other headcanons around Nico's mental health AND MORE IMPORTANTLY his recovery journey.

(AN IMPORTANT NOTE: I'm very wary of talking about headcanons involving mental illness, bc it can easily cross the line into romanticising mental illness. I grew up in that kind of online space, and it's toxic af and makes recovery almost impossible. So I want to emphasise, especially for younger fans who read this - Nico gets better, canonically and in my headcanons. So did I. So will you. It takes work, and often it's not a painless or pretty process, but it's so much better than letting yourself rot away in the dark. Romanticise being well, being happy, and getting better.)

In my head, Nico is autistic. But I think he's been so traumatised and so dissociated for so long that he doesn't even really realise how much things affect him, how much easier things could be if he gave himself permission to be the way he is.

FOR EXAMPLE. I think he is specifically very sensory-sensitive, but he's so disconnected from his body and brain that he doesn't really realise it. He just always feels Bad™️ and has never been safe enough to figure out why. So then, once he gets comfortable at CHB and really starts to finally feel safe and present, he starts to slowly untangle things bit by bit. Will is a big part of this - he's very intuitive and notices stress queues in Nico before Nico even realises he's stressed.

It starts off with Will noticing Nico avoiding crowds, which isn't necessarily weird for a kid who spent the last several years with ghosts, but then he realises it's not actually the people that bother him. It's the noise. Like, Nico avoids the Apollo Cabin as much as possible, even when it's completely empty except for Will, bc it's constantly got music playing a little too loud. Nico doesn't even really know why he doesn't like it and doesn't really bother thinking much about it, but Will is like "huh that's interesting". And, as he gets closer with Nico, that pattern becomes more and more apparent - in noisy places, Nico becomes tense and guarded, but in quiet places he's more relaxed. Then Will notices Nico's sensitivity to textures. Some clothes are consistently "grumpy Nico clothes" and some are "happy Nico clothes".

Will decides to run little experiments, making subtle changes around Nico and taking note of Nico's reaction. For example, suggesting Nico change clothes before a date because "I like the black jeans better" ie "the black jeans are a softer denim and stiff denim makes you grumpy". Or swapping out Nico's sheets bc "whoops my bad, I was practicing wound cleaning and spilled supplies all over them! But don't worry, I've replaced them with a new set so it's all good," ie "your sheets were cheapass 100% cotton and rough af and that's why you haven't had a good night's sleep like, ever, so here's a high-quality satin (or whatever, idk fabrics) set that probably won't bother you as much." And lo and behold, Nico sleeps like a baby every night after that. Or orchestrating a whole plan to get Nico into the Apollo Cabin when it's quiet (music gets turned low, siblings are threatened with weeks of dish duty if they don't keep it down), and seeing if he's less on edge. AND HE IS.

And eventually Nico picks up on Will's increasingly elaborate accommodation experiments (Will is simply having way too much fun at this point - he feels super sneaky, finds it hilarious that Nico still isn't noticing, and also just loves seeing Nico less stressed out) and is like "Solace I know you're up to something, out with it or else." And at that point Will is like "ok bet" and pulls out a fucking spreadsheet (Annabeth taught him how to use excel (yeh I know demigods don't vibe with tech but this is my headcannon so deal with it) with great joy and little-to-no interest in why he actually wanted to learn) with a bunch of Nico's triggers and sensitivities and the success rates of different accommodations. Nico is like "I'm actually going to kill you, you've been fucking with my brain for months????" but is barely containing how curious he is and how sweet he actually finds it that Will has thought so much about how to make Nico happy. But Will knows, especially when Nico, even while grumbling, takes the spreadsheet with him.

The next day Will presents Nico with a present he was saving for the final big-reveal: some loop earplugs or something similar. Discrete and practical 😌 Will just leaves them next to Nico's bed with a cute lil sticky note that says "Before you orchestrate my untimely demise as promised, give these a go. Consider it the last request of a dead man walking ;) love you Neeks x".

And that's that. The earplugs make a massive difference, much to Nico's surprise and Will's smug satisfaction, and from then on Nico starts to reconnect with himself and gets better and better at recognising things that make him more comfortable, and using them. Will considers his experiment over (a resounding success, of course), but is unwaveringly supportive and helpful as Nico figures stuff out.

Lol that became very long sorry, but it made me happy to write it out hehehe

[puppyeared]

adhd comix

[orcelito]

Honestly hate how hard it is to start writing again when you've gone too long without it. Like for fuck's sake man Why's shit gotta be like this

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[britneyshakespeare]

why does scheduling my work days give me so much stress and anxiety

[29121996]

.

[grimmthorne]

genuinely hate my brain like it's not even funny anymore. I hate it. every day feels like a losing battle against it and it's only a matter of time before I just start giving in and become so much fuckign worse. fuck, maybe that'll get my mom to listen to me when I say i need help. tw for the tags ig

[toastsnaffler]

nvm im too tired and overstimulated for this shit

[radioactivetirade]

genuinely the lowest ive been in years rn. one of those extra shitty days where it literally feels like the world is out to get you yknow :/ shit went wrong from the second i started my day to now 18 hours later . god and i cant even do drugs about it

[keo-k]

sometimes i think i wasnt an injury-prone child and then i realise im gaslighting myself

tw: fair descriptions of injury?? if you dont like blood uhh dont read <3 this is just me reminiscing on being a child who thinks they cannot feel. pain. sorry if its incoherent im very sick and life feels like a fever dream and i did not sleep last night! this is so diary-entry-core TLDR i had a lot of random injuries and a few medical mysteries.

i keep looking at the middle of my chest like "man where the fuck did i get this scar from" and then i remember this one childhood day where i was filled with hubris and slid down a chain in a playground and my skin tore from under my shirt and i started bleeding terribly ill also occasionally look at the permanent callouses on my hands and remember running down a hill at full speed, followed by rolling down a hill at full speed, crashing into rocky concrete, looking down at my hands and being utterly terrified because they're entirely covered in blood???? its all red??????? also spinning on the biggest rock in the rock garden in front of my house after a friend's birthday party blowing bubbles when i lose my footing and land chin-first into the sharpest rock there, getting blood all over my favourite party dress and having to go to the ER for 6 hours and getting, not stitches, but glue. yeowie. i scratched most of the scar off somehow, just tearing the skin off my face because i didnt like the texture. its still kind of there if you look at the right angle. being in gymnastics class, doing beat swings on the high bars, thinking "whey my hands hurt im gonna drop and get some chalk (for some reason. its not like i was slipping i was just yeowch)", dropping down, looking at my hands and LO AND BEHOLD three inches of the skin beneath my ring finger on both hands is sticking up stupid vertical ! i couldnt use my hands too good for the next two weeks, also the skin sticking up WAS NOT DEAD so i couldnt trim it without feeling excruciating pain. like cutting your ear off :( not really a "when i was younger" thing, still valid now, but i have hyper mobility so im stupid flexible. especially in my ankles! like i cant do sports without wearing ankle braces on both legs. even that cannot save me sometimes, i still die. anyway my mum thought i was a piece of shit and was faking my ankle injuries bc the limping would last like. a whole month wowie! then we realised i just have bad joint. also i can hit the splits anywhere without stretching, i can walk on the literal sides of my ankles (not like. the sides of my feet no no no. go even further beyond.), i can fold my fingers backwards into silly lookin curls without any pain and keep them there no issue, and i have gotten many MANY greenstick fractures even after my bones developed a lot because my bones soft and refuse to break like a normal persons. like my basketball coach will bend my leg back to test how far it goes and i wont feel any pain and he'll say like. "oh thats waaaay too far back to be safe." and ill laugh because it can go WAY further back! and i hate it !

BONUS: ME BEING A MEDICAL MYSTERY WOOOOO up to age 8 i would have these ... seizures? all throughout the night. i would shake super aggressively and it wouldnt wake me up. my mum filmed it one night when she finally caught it on video (she would stay up HOURS ON END trying to catch it. wild). the shaking would start like a twitching at my fingers and would travel to my hand, to my arm, to the rest of my body and youd think i got fucking electrocuted. anyway she showed it to doctors and they brought me in immediately to scan my brain for fuck knows what and they didnt. find anything? like my brain activity was completely normal. they didnt let me out of hopital for a week cus theyre like "THIS ISNT NORMAL SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH THIS KID" but. womp womp. we never found out. i dont shake anymore but i do shmove a lot. like, a lot a lot. and im always tired and im capable of falling asleep standing up. and have minor chronic fatigue. also i had a bullseye-type thingy on my thigh that really, REALLY looked like a tick bite! i was in immense amounts of pain and couldnt properly walk. there was a dot in the middle, and this surrounding ring of red would expand and shrink overtime. very reasonable to think of it as a tick bite. anyway my parents carried me out to the car in the middle of the night so we could go to sick kids. they measured how much the ring would expand by (i dont remeber number. it was beeg.) and then they sent me to the ER out of the concern that i would get lyme disease. they tested me or something idk i was unconcious and. IT WASNT A TICK BITE! you may be asking "so what was it, mr gorgeous fish?" um. well heres why this is in the 'medical mystery' section. they never found out. it went away a day later and we were just like "ah. okay." so. whoops. when i was a toddler they put me in an mri thing where they uh. strapped me down because toddlers usually freak out and damage the mri thingy? anyway. was in there for two hours. and i did not freak out. at all. i was asleep for one of the hours, but the second one i just laid there very awake and very still and the doctors thought i had brain. damage. i didnt! yay ! i also have many chronic illness now. weeeee i probably missed a lot of my stories here but anyway. heres me being silly

[4nayesi]

guys i fucking hate and despise working out sm like y am i doing cardio after being at dance for almost 2hrs😇 god i fucking hate my brain this y i wish i could js not 34t&stay alive i wouldnt have to live w the guilt every single fucking time and i don’t even wanna start 3at1ng bcs i feel like ive been fucking up every single time&e4t1ng more than i need to and i have no clue how to fix ts idk what to do anymore i started smoking more bcs it actually stresses me out so badly and its been bad for the past 2weeks even tho ive lost i still feel bad abt everything like wtf is wrong w me and sorry this is so long but i actually have no one else that i can talk to about ts and no one fucking gets it if i start talking abt it so they js piss me off while trying to explain “its okay to 34t” like no its fucking not?!? obviously?? TO ME its not so please stfu. like im genuinely gonna crash out rn i wanna get bl@ck out drunk but fucking c4ls and im broke and im just oh my god bro PLEASE LET ME GET A FUCKING BREAK.

im tired of everyone ignoring the fact that im dis0rdered but i dont wanna worry any1 either so yk what that means? that i have to l0se WAY more so maybe they will catch on&maybe they will worry. wtf is wrong w everyone like are they fucking blind? y cant anyone understand. maybe ill js ⭐️ve until i pass out or smt!! i genuinely cant anymore. i never wanna 3at again. why does it have to be this way. im still doing well on my f4st but fuck dude. i feel so blo4ted and gross that it doesnt even matter. im so fucking tired and exhausted every day. i have brvses all down my legs. like when will it be enough(when im vnderw31ght obviously) but im not consistent enough to ever reach that. what is wrong w me.

i genuinely only feel happy or proud of myself when i ⭐️ve. maybe i should js think of myself from now on and stop worrying if im making other ppl worried. im so fucking tired of trying to please everyone and myself it js never works out. im so done dude.

[climaxbattles]

vent dont read (unless the curiousity consumes you i guess. if you know me personally it might suck)

i havent been able to leave the house since may and it seems like every day i get worse and worse

i just cant deal with anything i dont know why

i dont go outside, i cant be alone, i cant even eat too fast/slow or i just like completely freak out

i started therapy and this is the first time ive ever been hopeful about interacting with a therapist but i still kind of dread it every week. im not even sure its helping like maybe shorter sessions would be better but i use so much energy just getting through the day i cant communicate until its too late

i dont even understand what made this happen my only guess is that one of the medications i tried really messed me up (or i have a brain tumor or thyroid problem or something) because a few of them had really really terrible side effects and i almost had to go back to the hospital for the 3rd time in a year, but i dont get why im not getting better when i dont do anything and im not on those meds anymore.

and if it is physical i cant leave the house without panicking like. i dont know how else i would go anywhere to get it checked out unless it got so bad i had to call an ambulance again so they could lie me down and give me oxygen and turn all the lights off and hold my hand again but that also was like very traumatic so im afraid i would just completely break

my friend is over visiting and i havent seen her in forever bc she moved 4 hours away and i cant even bring myself to hang out with her because she brought her boyfriend and i already have problems talking to anyone but her even though i fucking live with her family and leech off them. so im just hiding in my room

i dont really talk to anyone much anymore and i dont even know if its Because i want to be left alone or if its something making me lonely/im upset about. it also kind of seems like people r moving on from me but that could be like entirely self inflicted bc one on one conversation terrified me even before and now i like have panic attacks if a breathe wrong let alone attempt something thats always scared me

i think like some of them maybe also have a seperate discord server i wasnt invited to. this happened literally months ago where i accidentally found out and its not really my business i guess. and i dont even rly know if its true or even used anymore

it just feels bad because i lost a friend of like 7 years and a friend i really related to but didnt know long because i took their side in multiple arguments and i dont regret the 2nd one but the first one kind of still sucks. the people i lost had a lot of their own problems that made them unpleasant but idk. the first person was kind of always open to talking to me even though we r both fucked up and wouldnt ignore me even when i sometimes would bc of my own problems

and then if there Is a second server thats kind of why the second person lost their shit. so its like Maybe they were right in a small way (they were completely fucked though they would like suicidebait randomly and ive never had any other friend do that so its still for the best i think)

it seems like i keep losing or pushing away good friends kind of. or maybe im bad at all friends idk. ive never enjoyed socializing so it seems like my fault probably

i honestly just wish i could get on food stamps and/or disability on top of medicaid but i think people are still insisting i can go back to the way i was before. idk if thats possible. i just want to be able to stop taking As much Directly from other people and maybe like. buy legos or a 3d printer or something. i dont have much to do in the house 24/7 and my computer is getting old. and i think the internet is making this all worse but thats like my only activity

im so tired

[jackalopescruff]

i want to see your ocs!!!!! tell me their favourite things like food and music

okay so I have a LOTTTT of oc's im gonna focus on my most fleshed out ones bc thatll mean they get the most interesting answers! :3 okay? okay!

Laura (My main fursona, the dragon girl we all know and love): She is just me her music taste is wildly varied from oldies from the brass era of music to jazz to punk pop punk emo grunge heavy metal rap breakcore hyperpop and more! fave food is chicken cordon bleu just like me :) Fave Drink is EASY Dr. Pepper :3

Bailey (The OUPPY sona we all adore): again me but i definitely think that when im full puppy space i fucking go insane on hyperpop, breakcore, jungle, dnb, the loud music that tickles the brain good. Fave drink Cherry Coke/Cherry Pepsi :3 fave food is BURGERS

Tawni (my awesome diner owning cowgirl sona): Tawni is a tired woman who works hard she wants melodic calm tunes, she is the jazz girl, she is listening to long ambient tracks, she works her butt off she is a little sad little tired just let her vibe. Fave drink is huckleberry tea with wildflower honey and a shaving of orange peel :3 She loves mushrooms and her awesome hog wife Hollyhock (belongs to my wifey @vonkarn) finds em for her :3

Harper [Cheerio] (Da beawr sona): Cheerio loves to bake and I feel her music tastes are pretty laid back but she wouldnt hesitate to get silly with some fun punk tunes or silly music (like i bet she loves tom cardy/bdg esque stuff) fave food is pecan pie with a dollop of vanilla ice cream on top (she deserves all the treats forever) and her fave drink is ice cold iced raspberry tea :3

Finch! (my jackalope): Finch is a dramatic ass tomboy femme punk bitch she wants to listen to those tunes that make you amped and ready to fight, she for sure shares like my heavy experimental tastes and listens to a lot of Hip Hop, Breakcore, experimental, noise, punk, riot grrl, etc she going wild. Fave food is fucked up but dude she loves a tasty fucking fried chicken drumstick man its simple but it goes hard. fave drink: chocolate milk (its cool and tough fucking fight mee)

Vincent: He is a cringe little gamer gremlin he trophy husband as hell stay home and games on his overpriced rig and setup, but also he is quite literally a phenomenal painter, artist, and writer. Vincent has a lot of feelings in his heart and he arts them out or he'll die. He is a lil poppunk/hyperpop/MCR boy like thats his JAM. fave drink is literally Monster Pipeline Punch

Jersey (this my brother/dad/found family he means a lot to me): Jersey is literally resident goodboy handyman he woodworks, gardens, fixes just about anything, he also loves bbq and thus has a smoke setup and does that for his calming pasttime he cooks a ton in general too and loves nature and foraging. he literally is the most reliable person on the planet and will always be there for u anytime u need. He is a foodie he loves capital F Food all of it he just goes in on food. his fave drink is coke and he literally has tons of old antique coke signs and boxes and shit all over he just thinks its neat he is just a dude.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[ankhisms]

realizing that my very close friend who id known for almost 10 years stopping talking to me for no reason and only really talking to me recently to basically say "im at a party with my new friends who are better than you" has in fact had negative effects on my mental health

god i need to get a diary/journal i know i could benefit from one bc theres more personal stuff i dont really want to get into online/stuff about my body image and self esteem issues that i dont want to post about online but i dont have money to get pne and dont have any empty spare notebooks lying around to use so anyway. realizing that since he suddenly stopped talking to me (again, for no reason. ive wracked my brain trying to figure out ANY possible reason we were not fighting we did not have any disagreement everything was normal our relationship was normal he just stopped responding to me one day and wouldnt respond when i asked him if he was ok bc i was genuinely worried we talked every day for years and didnt respond when i asked about what was going on) my paranoia regaurding people i know secretly hating me or becoming very angry at me very suddenly and wanting me dead or just wanting to ignore me and never talk to me again has gotten a lot worse. and it sucks because i struggle with paranoia about other things that i wont get into but it feels like this specific paranoia can be the hardest for me to shake off because it stems from how my abuser treated me and my unstable home environmeny from past toxic friendships/situations where people i was around werent necessarily abusive but they certainly were toxic and fucked me up from how they treated me. so when i try to soothe myself theres a part of me that goes. but its happened before. it happened before and it can happen again. and now with this my brain is like SEE! IT HAPPENED AGAIN. IT HAPPENED AGAIN WITH THE FRIEND WHO YOU THOUGHT WAS GOING TO BE IN YOUR LIFE FOREVER. IT HAPPENED WITH SOMEONE WHO STILL MEANS THE WORLD TO YOU. and then i feel bad about being mad about it on some levels because i still want to give him the benefit of the doubt but also its like. we are both 24 fucking years old we are adults. if you are mad at me or if you have an issue with me you need to bring it up to me. i am not a mind reader if youre upset with me i want you to actually TELL ME so we can work things out. i respected him enough to be ready to do that if he upset me and i expected the same from him. and its just like im too tired to deal with people who arent going to tell me when theyre mad with me or to be upfront about an issue they have with me. im too tired. it also fucks me up that like. he knows about all my issues just like i know about his. and he knew about these specific paranoias i have and knows about how much it hurts me to be ignored and he still did this all. anyway tldr i am trying so hard to not freak out ❤️ thanks if u read this all mwah

[permanately-confuzzled]

Okay so. This gonna be long. But dean headcanon.

This is a bit of a stretch and not one that I think a lot of people lean towards (either that or I'm just not in a circle that talks about it) but. Dean has autism? Maybe not super obvious signs, and I'm much more familiar with the signs in afab than amab, but it feels REALLY similar to myself.

I realize that cptsd has really similar symptoms as low-support-needs (high functioning??? Someone please tell me what term to use I cant figure out if it's problematic or not) late diagnosed autism, as well as several other neurotypes. But a lot of it feels really familiar, and in some of the distinguishments between cptsd and autism, dean leans toward the autism side.

Anyway, a list in no particular order:

Knows a lot about random topics -- that one case where he knew the guy used the wrong country for a proverb to come from, mentioning vonnegut, possible hyperfocus on weapons and fighting

Seems to have a fairly good musical understanding despite having little to no experience -- you're telling me John taught him how to sing? And he picked up on guitar as quickly as was implied? I think the fuck not

Hyperfocus on a TV show/genre -- Scooby-Doo, dr. Sexy, westerns

Perfectly happy driving for hours on end listening to the same tracks on repeat -- apparently this isn't normal???

Seems to dissociate really easy -- he could be desensitized to violence, and probably is at least a little. But when he's already emotional, or caught by surprise, he's immediately horrified, almost like he's not as careless towards it as normal.

Described as having too many emotions. Very much cannot communicate them. Seems overwhelmed.

Very much likes blankets, hot showers, massage bed -- sensory issues. Also, that could be why he wears flannel and jeans all the time. Yeah, it's practical, but the clothes don't bother his sensory issues.

Also, sensory stuff could be why he's constantly chasing sex. If your constantly feeling everything, why not make the everything be mostly good? People with asd also typically are either on the grey scale of sexuality or hypersexual.

He clearly understands communication, but masking. Also, he's fairly social. The puzzle of human communication may be a hyperfixation of his. Not to mention that a few of the times people say things he isn't expecting he gets flustered and confused.

He seems to see grey points in a very black and white way, and black and white as grey. I don't know how else to describe that.

The thing with asd people typically struggling more than nts to understand things like capitalism bc why WOULDNT you give up some fancies if other people can eat enough -- that's literally why he can't get himself to leave hunting.

Not willing to change the impala or his music.

Had the whole dean cave put together without Sam knowing (I think? Correct me if I imagined this)

Routine. He's impulsive when it's his decision, but if someone else decides, he wants nothing to do with it -- getting up in the morning, I swear there's more but my brain is getting tired

Struggles to make close connections. Very few actual friends (especially compared to sam) and very few actual relationships.

The close friends he has are not nt. Charlie most likely has adhd or asd, cas acts very similar to someone with asd, Sam's at least really traumatized. This is common with nds.

He has different personalities depending on who he's with (masking) -- cas vs Charlie vs Sam vs Donna vs Claire vs Benny... etc

Prone to addiction -- the need for routine and chronic stress from masking makes this true for asd people as well.

I think it was called existential suicidal ideation or something like that? Doesn't want to die necessarily, but doesn't really want to be around but does, but doesn't really care. It doesn't seem like a big deal so he's sorta apathetic to it.

I think there was more, but I cant remember right now. Am I crazy???

Sorry is asd autocorected to sad. And yes I did hyperfocus on this for a week and a half.