#but thats what it felt like to play those servers sometimes

[skeletalheartattack]

@ those tf2 server related tags: the lazypurple silly servers still exist. and if you want a silly-adjacent server that still has killing/pvp enabled then they also have a "TDM" server where objectives are disabled so you really just get to dick around

i figured his servers would still be around, although i don't think i ever had personally played on his servers before. i think i've seen some videos of them in the past though.

the two servers i use to hang around in through 2012-2016 were mostly just... hang-out servers? the term i refer to them as is "hub servers", similar to like... hub levels in platformers. one was a big city server where i met a good ammount of my friends on, the other was a server with maps the server owner created, which is also the server that hosted one of my maps. they had some sourcemods in common like the jetpack plugin.

im not sure if i could personally experience the vibes of those servers in the same way these days. granted anytime i play tf2 these days, it's usually to play casual, haven't touched any community servers in a long time.

[leolingo]

(long post about purgatory and meta and rp)

sigh one thing ive been thinking is that it feels a bit unfair to see so many people complaining or doomposting over how purgatory affects the overarching qsmp rp story or how it ~interrupted arcs~ or is ~disturbing current storylines~ or ~narratively unsatisfying~ like. Sure. its a bit abrupt and most players were caught off guard because lore-wise it stems from the federation which means none of them were told about anything beforehand

but... its only been three days. maybe we could have a little faith? like idk ill be soooooo out there rn and say that maybe the admins did this now for a reason. maybe itll make sense later on. we already see lore repercussions with elquackity and his motives and all the nods to the eggs.

theres fair criticism to be made (when done respectfully) if youre mainly here for the roleplay but i feel like we sometimes need to remind ourselves that the qsmp storytelling is a VERY ambitious project. lmao. imagine being the writing team and trying to wrangle 20+ characters with distinct points of view and journeys on an ever-changing story because of the very nature of live rp. its practically IMPOSSIBLE to tie up every loose end neatly and at this point i dont think we should expect that. keeping up momentum with all plotlines must also be pretty hard, cc's schedules and outside factors like server programming and building and mod tweaking and all those meta elements considered and so on and so on

i DO also want the story to move forward and be cohesive and make sense in a satisfactory way. like i really do!!!!!!! but i try to understand that thats not ALL the qsmp is about. from the start quackity said the server wouldn't be exclusive to the rp aspect. it sure is that way right now, but thats because most of the active members are VERY passionate about roleplaying. thats a good thing! they have fun and its fun to watch and the experience is mostly good for everyone because it corresponds to their expectations to an extent

the thing about purgatory is that i feel like its a lot more meta than most people doomposting realize. it ties into the story, sure, but to me it feels like the sudden switch in environment and vibes and stakes isnt actually catered to the rp and thats FINE. like thats not what it exists for and thats fineeeeeee

pac for one has said he appreciates the event for the change of pace, though its very hard (lol), because regular qsmp was starting to feel a bit stale to him and he was kind of running out of things to do. THATS A GREAT THING! managing player engagement like that is awesome and sometimes necessary. YES, purgatory caters to a very different playstyle than what we're used to -- and thats one of its strenghts.

a lot of hispanic creators have also felt this!!!! roier, rivers and carre most prominently have been VERY excited about this event because its similar in format to a lot of spanish speaking events like mc extremo and such. a lot of these players are also not particularly interested in rp-ing and had not been logging on very often prior to purgatory.

even roleplay regulars like tubbo, fit and bbh have shown interest in purgatory for the competitive nature of the setting!!! thats cool too!!!! something different, new possibilities to play around with. thats what the events should be about. kudos to the admins and dev teams for attempting it in such a big scale. their effort shows and all the mechanics weve seen are really fucking cool

i love the roleplay!!!!!! its one of my favorite parts of the qsmp!!!!!! but its not ALL there is and it shouldnt be! non rp-oriented creators are also part of the project and deserve to have a little fun too -- not to mention a big chunk of the hispanic fan community that has blown up twitter with support bc what we have rn is similar to events they already love!!!!!!! im glad to see so many of them get excited again!!!!!!

at the end of the day, qsmp is a LONG long term project, and purgatory ends in two weeks. by the time its over, we can all choose to engage with it as we wish. it can be a big filler episode in your mind, if you want. it can be just for fun..... otherwise, if its not fun, your regularly scheduled qsmp will be back soon anyway :3 its fine to not like it, its fine to have something negative to say about it if properly tagged and not like. crazy entitled or blown out of proportion for what this situation is.

i just hope we can all manage our online experiences accordingly and avoid making things less enjoyable for each other. this is supposed to be fun

[i-love-to-draw1]

Dream smp spoiler!

(Also heads up a lot of analys)

YAY! you have no idea how stress I was! i got a fucking headache n im doing this during class so deal with this.

BUt god im so so happy that the god is gone and tommy beating his abuser and tubbo not fucking dying and not be used and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! the reelief i felt.

okay serious now

this is what dream wanted. he always has a plan, he is the god of this server, its obvious how long he lived especially from the tales of the smp. This may be a happy ending but it won’t last. This sociopathic god found an intrest in a mortal, ive read stories whr gods made or found something they enjoy. they’ll “play” with it till their bored, and when they are bored they lock it up they’ve never destroy it. dream finds tommy to be “fun” but he also wants power and unity with everyone. a big “happy familiy”(everyone is fucking traumatized and the constant miscommunication). 

Dream got wut he wanted, he got everyone together. he has something planned. he told punz about this whole plan, and you know wut just proof, that almost everyone in the server only cares about tubbo even tho tubbo also done some shit not just tommy(THEY ARE KIDS FOR FUCK SAKES). Punz only came b/c of the payement “u should’ve payed me more”, punz is very well made character. describe a true mercenary (maybe a part of him cared, b/c he sees tht these are kids). Dream also said he blew up the community house and either he is lying or telling the truth who knows, but ranboo was thr....ranboo who might(or has he is unstable and untrustworthy despite his kind efforts). Ranboo will freak out b/c he will wonder why dream didn’t rat him out b/c he blew up the community house. he’ll owe a “favor” to dream b/c he is kind to those who help him out. so oof.

 Techno also owes dream a favor so....

season 3 this god has something planned, just liked tubbo said “this seems too perfect” before pushing aside for they’ve won the war.

indeed it’s too perfect, it’s satisfying its good. it amzing happy conclusion for the season. but its not. the god wanted unity, thats wut he got. so next is, wut is he doing next. wut plans has he come up.

plus we have others arcs

i don’t think nikki, fundy and jack will be satisfied for thy are traumatized, used, and bilittle people who have no idea how to cope properly and will do horrible choices for they believe its the right one

we got neutrals either not caring enough or leaving or wanting power or wanting to do good. but don’t realize tht sometimes doing nothing or doing more may cause some problems

we have an anarchist group ready to form a group to take down any forms of government for they believe it is bad and corrupt (can’t blame them a lost of tht has happen), but don’t realize tht the lessons they give will backfire, traumatize, and hurt the people.(look at tubbo n quackity, they think in order to stop this destruction or this need to feel safe is to become powerful b/c no one bothers the strong)

then we have traumatized kids(fundy counts since well he was a kid going through tht shit, just cuz he adult doesn’t mean much bc foxes age fatser, i mean look at him tht kid has abondoment issues) do i need to say anything. and even tho they try to do good they some guidence some help bc they don’t know how to be a child.

so yea....

lets see how this will go :3

im very excited

[madisonrooney]

hi it's your secret santa! first of all HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! i hope you have a wonderful day! how are you celebrating, if you are at all? safely, i hope! either way i hope you manage to find a way to have a great day full of love!! consider my christmas gift a belated birthday gift as well lol. anyway i loved reading your last answer, it was so thoughtful and sweet. i realized after reading that i barely know anything about dove lol so follow up q: what about dove makes you love her so much?

sorry for the late response! the last couple days have been v busy and ive been super tired and dissociative on top of it so i made a point to save this bc i wanted to give it my full attention!

first of all thank you!! i was going to do a virtual meet and greet with one of my favs from jersey boys but he got confused about timezones so we rescheduled but were doing it next week! then i went to a virtual walt disney family museum panel, had pizza for dinner and watched some liv and maddie, my mom made a cookie cake that we ate while watching the grinch musical, and then some friends and i watched the jersey boys movie together over skype!

im so glad you enjoyed reading my last answer! and oof thats another loaded question (i love it tho)

- like i said when first talking about what drew me to her and liv and maddie, a big thing is just how much passion and love she puts into her characters. ofc she puts passion into every character she plays, but its the passion she puts into characters like liv, maddie, and mal that means the most to me. that goes back to the fact that ive dealt with a lot of negativity directed towards me for enjoying disney channel, and then you have dove out here saying “yah im a teenager/twenty-something who not only respects what theyre doing on disney channel, but puts my all into it” not to mention she even won an emmy for playing liv and maddie in season 4! i hope that passion and talent has started to change the conversation about disney channel, and tbh i think it has at least a bit.  ofc, none of this is to say other people her age acting on disney channel arent talented and passionate, but idk, something about her has always stood out to me. i find her to be more animated and expressive than most. it can be hard for me to read emotions in live action movies and shows, so thats been really important for me. not to mention she was not only playing the lead but TWO lead characters on a four season show with distinct personalities but also subtle similarities. AND the main character in the biggest DCOM franchise in years for 5 years running now. PLUS the fact that there was a period where those were both happening at the same time. she was only 16 when she started all this and hadnt even had any big roles prior to it!! she had a lot of responsibility so it was amazing to see her not only pull it off, but excel at it.

- i just love like....her aesthetic?? shes always seemed to be a very old soul to me, into old jazz music and poetry and stuff like that. its just very charming. and for her to have that aesthetic on top of being a disney channel actress is a fascinating juxtaposition.

- this is kind of sappy and it gets tiring to hear it said over and over again but that doesnt mean it isnt true: i love how transparent she is about her struggles with mental health issues, trauma, and such. she has been for a long time but even more so over the last year or two. no shade to anyone else, but a lot of actors dont really give you a look into their personal lives, they just share and promote their product. im not saying theres anything wrong with that, its good to know what youre comfortable sharing, ive just felt all the more close to her with her being as open as she is, especially as someone who has gone through trauma myself, albeit different from hers.

- kind of connected to that, i love how important spreading kindness, positivity, and love is to her. thats another thing thats been said a million times but still, its very important to me.

for example. she’ll randomly tweet things like “i love you” a lot. im one to always think of the thought process that goes on behind whatever someone posts, texts, etc., bc personally i put a lot of a thought into pretty much anything i say or do before i put it out there publicly, probably bc of my social anxiety. even tho its a simple statement and takes her a couple seconds to post, she still had to have the thought “i want to remind my fans that theyre loved” or something along those lines. and she has this thought FREQUENTLY. to just randomly get a notification every few days or weeks or so of her saying something like that is just very heartwarming to me.

the reason i connected with miley so much when she helped me through my initial trauma was bc it felt like even if no one loved me, she loves her fans, thus she loves me. thus the person i love and admire the most loves me. even if its only one person, it can be enough. it was for me at the time. i feel that same way with dove. when she came into my life, i didn’t feel as unloved, but her love was still helpful to me.

- of course i need to specifically talk about her kindness in person too. dont get me wrong (ive been saying that a lot havent i lol), i totally and completely loved her long before i met her, but naturally, i love her 10x more after the experiences ive had getting to know her in person.

i could go ONNNNNNN about the experiences ive had with her, and i have lol, and if you already heard me ramble about this in the server i apologize, but the most important thing ive taken away from every encounter ive had with her is this: she always goes the extra mile. she always goes out of her way to make people feel special. what i mean by that is she could say/do HALF as much as she has when meeting me and i would still leave over the moon feeling loved. you can tell she does this in excess bc she really truly means it and cares about people like me, she doesnt have any kind of ulterior motive and isnt just going through the motions doing whats asked of her, she simply cares about me and the rest of her fans. some examples - the first time we met, i was sobbing (lol) and she hugged me for a really long time, rocking me back and forth, brushing my hair with her thumb, calling me sweetheart and honey. she even started to tear up a bit herself. - a couple months later, i went to my first liv and maddie taping. i was preparing to reintroduce myself (i looked a little different bc id been cosplaying as maddie the first time i met her) and ofc when preparing myself, i fantasized pretty heavily as i usually do and pictured myself showing her the pic of us on my phone, her gasping, jumping out of her chair screaming, and hugging me, thinking that was probably way more than i was gonna get. that is EXACTLY what happened. then she went on to tell me how my costume made her whole weekend. things like this would continue to happen where i would set the bar impossibly high and not only would she meet it but she’d exceed it. - our usual interaction from there on would start with her face lighting up when she saw me, her calling me some kind of cute name like love or baby, and then hugging me without me even having to initiate it. - when i saw her in mamma mia, i didnt know when id be seeing her again afterwards after pretty consistently getting to see her for 2 years, so i wanted to make sure we got some kind of closure. at the stage door, i reminded her how much she meant to me and just expected like an “aww i love you too” or something back, but she said “you are an angel in my life” and i will never forget that. obvs, i havent told her ALL the details about what she and her characters mean to me but like...she can tell. she can tell if im in a homemade maddie costume sobbing into her arms that theres something there, and shes VERY appreciative of that. - i thankfully got to see her at a meet and greet a few months later and every time i thought i should get going cuz i didnt want to hold the line up, she would just open her arms for another hug. speaking of being appreciative, she even said “thank you for being such a supportive fan.” as i left, i turned around to say one last goodbye. i made sure she wasnt with the next fan yet and yelled out “bye!” and she yelled back “I LOVE YOU!!” and blew me a kiss. again, its the little things. - i saw her at a small panel in new york a few months after that. she walked in the room when the lights were down as they were playing a clip, she quietly waved hi to everyone, then saw me and loudly whispered HI BABY!!! and stopped on her way to the stage to give me a hug. (then she looked at me from the stage and asked which way i thought she should cross her legs for the interview lol) - sometimes when she sees im next in line, shell give me a knowing smile or whisper “hi baby!!” or something like that. she saw me in the crowd after clueless and seemed to make a point to come to me last bc she knew wed be talking for a while, which we did. she even told me she’d seen me in the audience, asking if i was in the front on the left, which i was.

even all that is still just scratching the surface. weve “known” each other for 5 years now and every time i think she’s done the most she can do, she outdoes herself again. not to mention when im at these events, i see her treat all the fans she meets with all of that kindness too. naturally all of this has made me love her all the more.

- finally, lets just be honest here..........................shes REALLY fucking hot.

[chemicallydamaged]

Recovery: The Stigma Of Struggle 2/2 (TW)

Please do not read further If you are easily disturbed or affected by mentions of self harm, weight gain, or suicidal behaviors. I wrote this to help someone feel less alone and share my experience- not to potentially trigger someone. Please be safe.

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I told my parents about my several-year long addiction to self harm, despite starting at the age of seven. I've never once been to a therapist, counselor, psychologist, or a psychiatrist. I mainly have scars on my thighs, but I also have them on my waist, face, feet, hands, hips, and so on. I have used needles, glass, push pins, scissors, exacto-blades, knives, razors, and whatever else I could get my hands on. It became an addiction before I even knew what and addiction was.

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(This is an unprofessional, messy rough draft that I wanted to post so you know i'm not dead. I may edit this sometime in the future and delete this lil message thingy.)

Suddenly, you become a liar- that's how these things go on for so long, that's how this cycle eats you alive; “I hate getting wet”, “I just get cold easily”, “The cat scratched me”, and so on. You do anything to protect this secret, this horrible fucking brain eating, exhausting secret- while also hoping someone would ask how you are, maybe ask what's going on, and yet you still lie to them. Help doesn't feel for you- help doesn't always feel like an option. 

I always felt like everytime I cut, it was like shutting my thoughts up for a few seconds. I had so much swarming in my head, so many negative, screaming thoughts eating away at my brain, that I would do anything to relieve the tension. Everything irritated me. So when I got home, and all these memories of screaming parents and asshole students and shitty teachers screamed in my thoughts, I couldn't take it. For me, I convinced myself of two options; self harm, or ending my life.

June, maybe July of 2020. I haven't gone outside for a very long time, using covid fear as an excuse. I would be in such deep wallows of depression I could barely move; at that point I had gained so much weight I was scared of taking showers. I was scared of going outside. I was scared of eating. I used a group chat in one of my friend’s servers to get me through it, at least so I could socialize in one way or another. I wanted to get better, yet I was too exhausted to take the steps of recovery. I had tried to quit a few times at that point, only to fall back in. I would be taking a plane ride to see family (safely) and I was so fucking scared. It would be incredibly hot over there, I couldn't wear shorts, I was depressed, I had low-self esteem, and now I had to socialize with family I hadn't seen in several years. I was convinced they would be disappointed in me, I really didn't want them to be ashamed. 

When I finally got there, everything had changed. They looked so different- my little cousin, who I remembered as a toddler, was now a kid. My aunts were more stressed out than I had ever noticed before. Some pets had passed away, and the area of town had become pretty run-down. I had always wanted a little sister, and felt like I missed out on a lot of those years- so I tried to spend as much time with her as I could. She was so happy and so energetic, I was so surprised to see that she was excited to meet me. She didn't care about how I looked or how awkward I was, she just wanted to do art and make mudpies and jump on a trampoline, like a kid. I missed out on water balloons, refusing to wear shorts, which upset everyone because I wouldn't be able to play. I took that time to lock myself in a bedroom and cry. When I thought of her ever doing what I was doing to myself, I broke down completely. I would have been self harming for a year by her age. I missed out on so much. To think that she could ever go through that terrifies me and shakes me to my core. She is like a little sister i've never had. I thought of my brother and how he would be upset, so see his actual little sister go through this the whole time. This is still hard to think about. This was my first kick in the ass to recovery. I was going to commit.

I came home in a lot of pain. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I kept impulsively grabbing objects, picking at my skin, biting my nails, and going fucking crazy. I was so close, so many times. I can barely express the amount of stress I was in, not being able to use what I believed to be my only coping mechanism ever since I can remember, knowing for sure I absolutely could not and would not do it. I had to fight with my brain 24/7 just to stay afloat, to have self-control.

Fast forward 4-ish months and I was finally about to tell my mom, but at the wrong time. The closest self harming behavior I had was skin scratching, but that was better than cutting. We had gone to the store to pick out some clothes and I was really excited about it; however, the closer we go to the changing room the harder my heart throbbed out of my chest. If she went in with me, she would see all the scars. We had gotten to the changing room, and she went in with me. I froze up, in cold sweat, and couldn't do or say anything. Just as she said “Oh woops do you not want me in th-” I broke down. In a grocery store changing room. For everyone to hear. She sat me down and comforted me, like a cool mom. I was  surprised, I thought she would be embarrassed. I told her about everything. She supported me. I couldn't stop shaking, unsure of weather to be sad or happy. I finally said something. I was relieved. I finally did it.

My dad was less accepting after my mom told him first. Because he doesn't believe in “organized help” and instead believes you have to “get through anything on your own, because that's what I DO” It was probably a bit of a struggle for my mom to talk to him. He avoided me for a few days, until he was ready. When I had finally told him, it turned out to be ok. He wasn't happy with me but he wasn't pissed either so that's a positive. My brother had a similar reaction. A lot of friends didn't care. But some still did, and I'd rather have a few real friends than a lot of fake ones. Sounds like a bunch of hippie dippie Karen bullshit but I genuinely feel way more positive about this then when I first told my parents. I hope to get mental health help soon, although there are so many people trying to get it that its difficult to find a good therapist thats available (Thx c0v1d, u sur3 r g8 0n m3ntal h3alth <3). For now, i'm just doing the best I can- im still going to struggle, but that's part of life. Im happy with that. 

This is only my side of the story.

Yours doesn't always have to be the recovery, but it can be the ask for help.

(2/2) 

Hope your doing well, wherever you are.

[inspiringwhilerespiring]

Get to know me?

Yoooo - yall remember Myspace, and people would blog survey posts lol. Well thats me, I’m people. And I just wanna write my lil heart out and avoid all of my real life responsibilities. So found a lil questionnaire thing and I’m gonna fill it out. Also lowkey like doing this every so often so I can look back on it and reflect and see how much I may have grown/changed/shifted viewzzz ya feel? :) 

Sooo here yall go <3 

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

My neice maybe?

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

People who know me would tell me to put outgoing, but I honestly feel shy on the inside, so it just depends.

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

Literally anyone lmao fuck this quarantine

4. Are you easy to get along with?

Definitely

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

Lets hope so

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

Kind souls <3 always notice how they talk to their friends and family, but even people they don’t know like servers or janitors, etc. that shit matters heavy.

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

Probably not

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

A few homies

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

Nah not really, just depends

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

Not sure -it’s been a min since I had a “deep” connection or convo that I can remember - but was probably with my bestie R’Bo

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“Google that shit” lmao me, giving advice to my friends

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

TOUGH!!!! After Hours by The Weeknd is up there, Cayendo by Frank Ocean (been jamming his shit HAARD lately) and Inside Friend by Leon Bridges & John Mayer….but also been listening to albums - like Childish’s new album, Floreyyy for lo-fi shit, and also got into 070 Shake recently just to name a few.

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

FUCK YA

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

Yeah budddyy

15. What good thing happened this summer?

Idk, my bday party was lit?? And lots of river floats happened

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Lol

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

Cant deny that there isn’t so yaaa

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

No

19. Do you like bubble baths?

Yes

20. Do you like your neighbors?

Just moved, so don’t know em

21. What are you bad habits?

Procrastination lol and biting my nails

22. Where would you like to travel?

Literally ANNNYY-fuckin-WHERE!

23. Do you have trust issues?

Hmm I wanna say generally no, but I also always keep it one hunnnid with myself, and as much as I’d like to say I don’t have any - I think I def have insecurities with myself, that have the potential to become “trust issues” in certain relationships, but overall no. I live by the whole “you have my trust til you fuck it up” mantra

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

Coffee in the morning lately, missed it and forgot how energized it makes me - gives me time to wake up and reflect/set daily goals

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

Stomach forever :((((

26. What do you do when you wake up?

Scroll on my phone, pee usually, or feed my cat lol

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

Tanner maybe?

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

My mom or my best friend R’Bonney - but any of my close friends and fam honestly

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

Not directly

30. Do you ever want to get married?

Lol ok, so this is always changing…but lately (and by lately I mean the past few years) its been a no. I’m open minded though and am aware that I’m always changing my mind sooo who knows

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?

yeppperoo

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

Honestly, those aren’t my “thing” lollike id prob laugh or be awkward or just have to be hellllla drunk - but like I wouldn’t mind Jason Momoa and Tom Hardy tossin me around

33. Spell your name with your chin.

hjaylkee

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

Scocer back in the day - actually went and kicked it like a week ago for the first time in YEARSSSS - felt so damn good

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

TV, music forreeevverrr

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

Lol story of my life

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

“Soooo” then probably ask a question or some shit lol

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

Hmmm…definitely have to be funny/have a good sense of humor. They’d have to be open-minded for sure. Up for trying new things, places, cultures, food, music, etc. Just have an adventurous spirit I guess when it comes to that. Have a good line of communication/openness - and just be able to have a deep/intellectual convo about anything and everything. Bonuses: taller than me, likes cooking, and going to music shows.

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

Amazon lol I hate shopping

40. What do you want to do after high school?

To go back to high school :( lmao so much id re-do, cant believe its almost been a decade

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

Hell yeah, this is life my dudes, dont take it so seriously - we all fuck up at some point or another

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

Something is on my mind for sure, or im just tired lol

43. Do you smile at strangers?

Yeah

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

DAMNNN WHAT so hard - I guesss if I had to pick, space…just because it’s more rare/harder to do I’d think.

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

My cat lol with his meowing ass

46. What are you paranoid about?

Lowkey a lot lol

47. Have you ever been high?

8)

48. Have you ever been drunk?

Who hasn’t????

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

naw

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

Black probably, like half my wardrobe

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

Of course

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

My bad habits

56. Favourite colour?

Yelllllow :)

57. Favourite food?

Oh gaaawwd, literally anything - lately: PB&J’s, fries, wings, Mediterranean, Mexican, pickles, ice cream, ramenzzzz

58. Last thing you ate?

Pistachios

59. First thing you ate this morning?

Cofffeeee w creamer

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

Idk, not off the top of my head - maybe something back in elementary

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

Nah

62. Been arrested? For what?

Yeah lmao

63. Ever been in love?

Yes

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

No its really not that interesting and idc to type it out

65. Are you hungry right now?

24/7/365

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

Lol yes a few of them <333

67. Facebook or Twitter?

FB

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

Tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now?

Noooo

70. Names of your bestfriends?

R’Bonney is number 1

71. Craving something? What?

Foooood, and companionship? Lol

72. What colour are your towels?

Idk, random, mostly blue

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

A lot lol

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

Lol no, but I have my one from my childhood in my room

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

1 - shout out to you Mr.Fluffy

75. Favourite animal?

I am fascinated by sharks; and like gators/crocs. But I have mad respect for elephants, they’re sooo damn smart and beautiful.

76. What colour is your underwear?

Dont have any on

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

BITCHHHH CHOC

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

All of them

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

Tie-dye

80. What colour pants?

none

81. Favourite tv show?

Game of Thrones prob

82. Favourite movie?

Avatar or Shawshank Redemption

87. First person you talked to today?

Sissy

88. Last person you talked to today?

Friend on FT

89. Name a person you hate?

No one, maybe Trump? lol

90. Name a person you love?

Everyone, fr fr

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

Nah

92. In a fight with someone?

Nah

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

Not enough <3

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

Not enough <3

95. Last movie you watched?

The Decline on Netflix, short lil foreign oil, was deep/interesting

96. Favourite actress?

Not sure-Sandra Bullock? Or Meryl

97. Favourite actor?

Denzel or Morgan Freeman

98. Do you tan a lot?

Nah not anymore honestly

99. Have any pets?

Yessss

100. How are you feeling?

Mediocre

101. Do you type fast?

Ya

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

Im sure

103. Can you spell well?

Ya

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

Lol im nostalgic af, so yes

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

Yes litttty tittyyy

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

Probably :(

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

Hell yeah brother, I’m from TX

108. What should you be doing?

So much shit lol

109. Is something irritating you right now?

The fact that I ain’t doing all the shit I should be lol

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

Yooo yes

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

Prob my sister or my mom?? Lol I cry a lot, idk and idc

113. What was your childhood nickname?

Hayls?

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

Yes

115. Do you play the Wii?

Back in the day

116. Are you listening to music right now?

Surprisingly, no

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

Nah, unless maybe if its homemade

118. Do you like Chinese food?

Yeah occasionally, more of a Thai food chick or Japanese

119. Favourite book?

Kite Runner

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

Low-key sometimes lol

121. Are you mean?

Hell noooo

122. Is cheating ever okay?

Ok, this is an interesting one lol I mean no, it’s not “okay” - since it usually constitutes lying/hiding/hurting someone - BUTTTT, for a lack of a better term - I wanna say it’s “normal”? But thats because I, personally, am on the fence about the concept of monogamy. Like no, I’ve never cheated nor experienced that in return - but the whole concept of monogamy and like that a person can love and only love or be with one person is WILLLLDDD and I can’t help but note that its a social construct that we, as a society, are conditioned to from the time we are born. Idk if that makes sense bc im high af lol but those are my thoughts…like to sum it up - cheating is fucked up and sucks, but at the same time its not all that surprising/shocking anymore, like borderline “normalized” just as divorces are and shit, so I feel like bc biologically we aren’t made to be with one person lol. I don’t condone it tho. Thanks for coming to my TedTalk.

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

Hell to the naw naw

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Hmmm idk about that one, but also can’t deny it

125. Do you believe in true love?

Yeah of course, you’re talking to a hopeless romantic

126. Are you currently bored?

I guess we could say that

127. What makes you happy?

Food and close, loved ones

128. Would you change your name?

Nah, too much paper work

129. What your zodiac sign?

Cancer, with my lil moody, sensitive ass

130. Do you like subway?

I did lol

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

Story of my mf life lol literally all my exes are “best friends turned lovers” situation, so guess it would just depend lmao

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

Lol oh godddd; ok off the top of my head - Tupac - Keep Ya Head Up is what comes to mind; just a timeless song and the lyrics are still relevant/apply to this day and idk just really resonate with the message behind that song <3

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

Idk, but it was probably SO dumb, and told to my parents lol

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

Either or, lately open so my cat can go in and out lol

137. How tall are you?

5’6 mayyybeee 5’5 actually lol

140. Summer or Winter?

Fall!!

141. Night or Day?

Def a lil night owl, always have been

142. Favourite month?

April and October for weather at least

143. Are you a vegetarian?

No but I try, and go through phases, I’m definitely mindful the older I get and more focused on my health I become

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

FUCKIN ALLLLL

145. Tea or Coffee?

Coffee but I like tea too, just seem to drink coffee more regularly

146. Was today a good day?

The grateful-to-just-be-alive in me wants to say yes lol but idk, felt off/unaccomplished and cried a lot, so no.

147. Mars or Snickers?

Snickers

148. What’s your favourite quote?

“This too shall pass”

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

Sure why not

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

“After all, what he had always wanted was just that: to know new places.” -The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho

[strawberryspeachy]

I have so many time periods in my life that were fucking miserable (my whole life so lol) but most of them im like

Man. I wish i could go back with the knowledge i have now and change shit

But my senior year of college still takes the cake. I would not repeat that fucking year given the chance. I legit for real am npt exaggerating at all when i say I HAVE NO IDEA HOW I GRADUATED. What strength i had. How did i do it??

I lost all of my friends. I lived with girls who made me feel worse about myself. My classes were super difficult and busy. My mom had finally admitted to me that she knew she was forgetting things.

I BECAME bulimic. That wasnt something i did before that year. Bulimic to the point where if i ate more than one peice or bread i felt guilty. Sometimes i coild rationalize to myself that i ate a healthy and appropriate meal but after 20 minutes id start panicking. That i HAD TO go throw it up. I HAD TO. if i didnt id regret it so i hadddd toooo

I didnt eat some days

And it went beyond the point of. All i have is my skinny body. It went to i hate myself and my life and i deserve to suffer. I dont deserve food. If i keep doing this maybe my body will fuck up enough that i die.

And speaking of death. It was the first time i fully tried to kill myself. I played with the idea before. Id do risky things on the off chance that id die doing it. Sometimes risky enough that i was surprised i even did it and got really scared afterwards thinking about ever doing them again. But id never made a plan. Got materials. And tried and fell asleep thinking id really never wake up. And i did it a couple times. And honestly i think i killed a part of me that year.

I cried all the time. I was just a zombie with a painted smile on my face so i could get help in class from other people. But i never actually smiled. And the second i walked in my room id start crying. All that bottled up energy released. And there was too much.

I used to fall out of my chair cause i was crying so much and id just roll around on the floor and then yell at myself to get my ass back in the chair and to keep studying. And i did. And id keep crying. And i kept studying.

And i took adderal several times a week. It wasnt even working. But it had a crack effect on me and would make me really happy and optimistic for no reason

I dont remember ever feeling confident in my studys. I walked into every exam terrifyed.

I was scared the entire year that i was gonna fail.

I was so out of it that i didnt even notice the stress permanently altered my apperance. Eveyone said i grew up. No the stress aged me. I didnt notice my hair fell out or how my chin seemed to grow. Or how my skin greyed

Theres no way to make thay year better. That was an awful year.

I have no point in this.

Just like that year and the two following it... which... issss 2014-2015-2016 to 2017

Like id completed three years of college. I had to graduate. I couldnt get out of that with a clear mind. And then coming home. None of my friends lived at home. I couldnt find a job. I took what i could get. I couldnt leave home. I had to stay for my mom. I had to and i wanted to.

Im thinking about it cause i could have immediately came to japan out of college. And i knew it then. I chose not to. I wanted to go home and be with my mom. And my family made that a nightmare. And watching her and taking care of her while she went downhill... i dont think ill be able to face those feelings... for many years to come. (I mean hopefilly not if i died while writing this id be happy) but theres really no getting around the fact that having completed my finance degree in college. My only choice was to end up as a server

My 13 year old dog died. My 18 year old cat died. My mom was shitting all over the house and refusing to sleep or eat. The woman who i hated so much that i went to work early and smiled while offering to stay later because “at least im not at home” finally died.

One day she told me she was gonna kick me out of the house (for the zillionth time) she screamed and yelled at me. And i went to work. And i came home and she was standing outside of the front door. I thought about continuing to drive and coming back later when shed moved. But for whatever reason i stopped and got out still hoping shed be gone by the time i walked up. She wasnt. She didnt even notice i was there. I was tempted to walk past her and go in. But i didnt. I asked her what was wrong. She said she could take the step to the sidewalk. And i helped her. And she rambled to me about how she thought shed be stuck there all night and how she didnt know what was wrong. The last time i saw her she had been screaming at me about how im a worthless spoiled lazy rude mean old adult acting like a baby. So. I really didnt have much sympathy to give her. I couldnt even talk. I was still mad. She thanked me. I said she was welcome. Thats all i remember. That was about 3 months before she died. If i went back to that exact moment knowing that information. I honestly dont think id change anything... she was.... so mean... so needlessly mean... im still mad about every time i was mad at her

Unlike my mom. Who i dreamed about this week. I had a dream that i was home just living my regular life in high school. And i did something. And my mom was yelling at me. And we got into an argument. Just one of those nonsense arguments that dont mean much. And in my dream i was like ugh my moms so annoying. And i woke up. And i miss her so much. What i wouldnt do to listen to my mom yell at me about something like taking too long to get ready. Or putting something in the wrong place. Or forgetting to do some chore she asked me to do. My mom with her fully functioning brain yelling at me because ive inconvenienced some plan that she has made for hersef that day. Thats shes fully capable of doing herself. And will do no matter what anyone says cause you dont mess with her schedule - you work with it.

I actually woke up and smiled. When you grow up do you ever think youll think about your parent full blown going off on you about something kinda dumb would ever make you smile...

Anyhow... that boy at work i like. I tried to be cute. He said he texts his friends back when he wants to when i pestered him about having not responded to my mesage. I was like

Oh thats the second time youve called me your friend! :) were friends :D

I just wanted a chuckle and for him to say yea yea were friends

But instead.... he said no. Were coworkers.

And i said you can be friends with your coworkers

Which led to a super long.... turned into argument...

Where he told me no. He doesnt need more friends. He only talks to me because he has to. He doesnt like me. He doesnt want to talk to me. He doesnt like when he has to talk to me. He has plenty of time to hang out with friends but not me cause im not his friend and he does not want to hang out with me. Dont ask him questions. Dont talk to him for more than a minute. He only said yes to hanging out with me because i was new to the country. His girlfriend didnt want him to and he decided he didnt want to after thinking about it. He wont change his mind. And he got really mad while telling me that his dumbass gf gets mad when i text him. And that he doesnt wanna talk to me out of work and at work only about work nothing else.

Most of that was unprovoked information. Like.. a quarter of it came from my “so were friends?” Remark. Another quarter of it came from my “coworkers can become friends” remark. And given half of it.... i brought up that he liked talking to me enough that he said he wanted to hang out with me - so you fan guess what quarter of the information came from that... oh sorry did i say quarters. I guess i meant thirds.

Extra shitty cause its a big jump from the boy who was engaging in actual conversation with me yesterday and moved so close to me that he was cms away from resting his head on me shoulder. Many times. Actually over the past couple days.

[nottodaylogic]

light.

Summary: EVEN MORE OF THE GAY LOGINCE! With a special question bECAUSE @shootingace / @ohbytheangel and I have NO. SELF. CONTROL. WHATSOEVER. Based on a post by @today-only-happens-once and dedicated, once more, to @sanders-sides-thuri :)

Pairing: Logince 

A/N: Takes place after sun., part 3/3 of the Logince Fluff series, written, again, with @shootingace :) this is the last part, super fun (and frustrating since I’ve never been to Olive Garden) to write! 

@hghrules @becca-becky @tinysidestrashcaptain 

Hope y’all like it! :D

The tile in one pocket and the box in the other seemed to almost, nonsensically, burn as Logan walked. They’d talked over this topic before, multiple times, so there was no logical reason to be nervous.

And yet.

“Date night?” he asked his boyfriend, kissing him on the cheek. Roman startled, accidentally mutilating the word he was typing. He just looked at it, betrayed. “I’ve prepared some activities,” Logan murmured.

Roman looked very excited. “Ooh, activities! I like activities!”

“I like you.”

Roman flushed, deep and red. “Aren’t you sappy today. What’s the occasion?”

“No occasion. I was simply stating a fact.” He hummed, extending his arm. “I have made reservations. Shall we leave?”

“Hold on, just let me finish this sentence.”

This meant “let me finish this scene because I have no self control and must write a lot even though there are other priorities.”

“Of course.” Logan dropped a kiss to Roman’s head and walked away swiftly to get his coat.

Ten minutes later, as he expected, Roman staggered in, haphazardly yanking his jacket on. Logan looked at his watch.

“Precisely on time.” He opened the door. “Come. Our destination awaits.”

“Where are we going?” Roman asked mischievously.

“You shall see.”

“Tell me? Pleeeeeease?”

Logan smirked, leaning in and pressing a short kiss to Roman’s lips. “Will that satisfy you for the time being?”

“Mmmm, I don’t think so.” Roman tugged Logan closer, kissing him deeply. He set his hand on the small of Logan’s back, like he was about to dip him, making Logan go breathless.

“Now will you tell?” Roman asked, pulling back.

“It’s a surprise,” Logan breathed, though he wasn’t sure how much longer he could keep it a surprise if Roman insisted on making him fall even more in love.

Roman leaned in and whispered, “rude.” He then dropped him.

Logan scrambled to his feet, thankful for his 18 Dexterity. “Hey. We don’t have to go on the date if you don’t want to.”

“No, I want to! It’s incredibly romantic, my dear. Surprises are exciting yet it’s so hard to wait!”

“As Virgil would say, ‘because you are an impatient baby’.” Logan guestuted forward, towards the car. “After you.”

—

Logan pulled into the parking lot. There weren’t many decent spots, but he managed to grab one.

Roman turned to him excitedly, seeing their destination. “Ooh, Olive Garden?”

“I come prepared to woo the server into giving us extra breadsticks to take home.”

“You’re the best.”

Logan blushed softly. “Thank you. Now, our reservation awaits us.”

They entered the restaurant and were seated right away, thanks to Logan planning ahead and making a reservation.

“Your server will be right with you,” the host said, showing them to their table.

Roman pulled out Logan’s chair dramatically. “Monsieur, your chair?”

Logan rolled his eyes. He sat down, pushing out Roman’s chair with his foot. “There. Now we are even.”

“You’re a nerd,” Roman said fondly.

Logan inhaled, ready to refute this claim, but instead said only: “I know.”

“Wow. And you say I have an ego.”

“It is true, why are you pointing that out?” Logan was confused and a bit flustered by how sweet Roman was being.

Roman snorted. “You’re adorable.”

“No, I am very serious. I am not adorable. Patton is the adorable one.”

“That’s true, but it doesn’t mean you’re not adorable.”

That’s when a server came up to their table, preventing Logan from protesting more. “Hey, I’m Remy, can I get you anything to get started?” He set a menu in front of the couple.

“Breadsticks,” Roman said, at the same time Logan said, “water, please.”

“Of course. Some waters and a basket of breadsticks?”

They nodded and Remy left. The two chatted about movies that they hoped to watch, the drama that Logan heard from his students, how Roman’s characters were behaving.

“I try to get them to do something! And usually, they’re pretty good with cooperating. Just, these past few days, they just… won’t.”

“Can’t you simply… make them do it?”

Roman made distressed noises. “But I can’t! It feels weird then, and out of character! Okay, okay, enough about my distress. Spill the tea that you hear from your students.”

“Alright.” Logan adjusted his glasses. “You will not believe what Lizzie told me Justin K. did…”

Roman clapped excitedly. “Ooh, that idiot Justin! What did he do this time?”

“Well…”

Logan told him, Roman’s grin growing, becoming more and more mischievous.

“So let me get this gay. He told this teacher, who was literally eight months pregnant, that he didn’t think women needed a maternity leave?”

“Mhm.”

“Has he ever been pregnant? Or given birth?”

Logan laughed. He loved Roman so, so, much. “Not that I know of.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah. I know that teachers aren’t supposed to have favorites, but Justin is definitely on my ‘not a favorite’ list. Not that I have any such thing.”

“You know, I think we’re supposed to be deciding what to order right now,” Roman mentioned.

“As if you don’t get the same exact thing every time we come here.”

“You got me there.”

“That’s a meme.”

“You got me there.”

Logan stifled a laugh. “I love you.”

Roman smiled. “Love you too.”

That’s when Remy came back to take their orders. Roman ordered spaghetti and tomato soup. Logan ordered lasagna and a Greek salad. A chat and two baskets of breadsticks later, their dinner had arrived.

Logan ate his lasagna and laughed at Roman’s jokes, but the weight in his pocket—why did he bring the ring, it might get lost, he didn’t need it, this is illogical—was very present in his mind.

And worse was the nagging thought that Roman might say no. Of course, they had talked about marriage, but you could never be completely sure of an outcome.

“Something on your mind?” Roman asked, his foot brushing Logan’s.

Logan smiled. “You.”

Roman laughed. “You’re so sweet. It’s great.”

And with those words, that laugh, Logan felt himself drawn back into the moment, the fears of a future yes or no gone for the time being.

—

When they returned back home, Logan brought out the scrabble board.

Roman raised an eyebrow. “Not even gonna ask me if I wanna play this?”

“You’ve been bringing up how you want to play Scrabble for ten days now.”

“True.”

They set it up, Logan allowed his boyfriend to pick the starting word (LADDER) (“what? It’s the only thing I can do!”), and the game began.

“Your turn,” Roman said, gesturing to the board.

Logan set down the letters R, O, M, A, and N.

“Hey, no! That doesn’t count, it’s a proper noun!”

“I’ve let you get away with many proper nouns over the years. Cut me some slack.” Logan sat back, gesturing to the board. “You go.”

Roman put down O, P, and E to write NOPE.

Logan tried not to take this as a bad omen.

He then added L, O, V to the E in NOPE, making it LOVE.

“Awww, you sap,” Roman teased, swooning. “That’s so sweet.”

They continued playing, Logan adding FOREVER and DEDICATION to Roman’s words (OCEAN and DISBELIEF)

“Is something amiss?” Roman felt his forehead, looking overly concerned for the comedic effect. “You seem to be exceedingly sentimental today.”

Logan brushed this off with a, “It was simply what I could make with my letters and the board.”

Roman eyed him curiously, but dropped the topic. “Your turn.”

Logan wordlessly set down his piece, putting it right next to ROMAN, so that it read ROMAN, will you marry me?

Roman started to protest about how “that’s not in the rules of the game, Logan!”, but then he stopped, obviously having read the piece.

His eyes snapped up, meeting Logan’s.

“You… you… Logan.” It seemed he couldn’t say anything more.

Logan slid out his chair, dropping to one knee, holding the box with the ring in front of him. “Marry me, Roman Princeton?”

“Lo… Logan, oh my gosh. Oh my gosh.” And then he was out of his chair, too, stumbling towards Logan. He leaned down, taking Logan’s face in his hands, kissing him softly. “Yes, yes, of course, yes.”

Logan let Roman pull him to his feet, his arms around Roman’s waist, holding him tight. “Roman. I love you. I love every moment we’ve spent together. I treasure every memory I share with you. And I’d like to make more memories with you. For the rest of forever.”

Roman nodded, pressing his his forehead to Logan’s shoulder. “Yes,” he choked out.

“Hey, Ro, don’t cry,” Logan whispered, rubbing Roman’s crisp, clean shirt between his fingers. “Don’t cry.”

But he would be lying if he said that he wasn’t crying a little too.

Because finally, finally, he would be marrying the love of his life.

Because… because he just loved Roman so much, loved him so much that sometimes he didn’t know what to do with all the feelings.

Because Roman was going to be his, his, forever and ever and ever.

“I love you so damn much, Roman.”

“I love you too.” Roman pulled back slightly, holding his hand out. “You going to… you going to actually put that ring on me?”

Logan laughed softly and slid the ring onto Roman’s finger, then pull Roman’s hand to his mouth, kissing the back of it. “I love you. I love you so much, Ro.”

“I know.”

Logan laughed, pulling Roman close and kissing him. “You're wonderful, Princey.”

“Mmm, I know.” Logan stared at Roman, deadpan. “Just kidding, you are too.” Roman nudged Logan’s chin with his nose then kissed his cheek. “Love you. So freaking much.”

“Dance with me?” Logan asked, the words spilling out of his mouth before he could really process what he was asking.

“Where’s the music?”

Logan tilted his head. “Sing?”

Roman snorted. “Well, we need some sort of background music, Lo. I can’t sing if I’m gonna kiss you, and I’d very much like to kiss you.”

Logan blushed, his breath catching in his chest.

“C’mon, babe,” Roman said. “Music.”

So Logan grabbed his phone, pulling up the “romantic songs for my nerd” playlist Roman had made for him.

On came As Long As You’re Mine from Wicked, and Logan pulled Roman close.

They danced and twirled and laughed together, Logan falling more and more in love. Roman was so beautiful, so loving, and Logan got to spend the rest of his live with him.

“I love you, Roman.”

“Yeah?” Roman whispered.

“Yeah.”

“Prove it.”

So Logan twirled Roman, then pulled him back, dipping him and kissing him softly.

Roman let out a soft gasp. “I love you so much,” he murmured, tangling his fingers in Logan’s hair.

“Love you too.”

—

Later, they lay on the bed together, staring at the ceiling, tired, content.

Roman curled up on Logan’s chest, so beautifully exhausted. “How long were you planning to propose?”

Logan thought for a moment. “A little while.”

“How long did you know you wanted to marry me?”

Running his hands through his fiancé’s hair, he responded, “Forever, probably. I just—I never imagined my future without you. And then a few weeks ago I realized that why not get married?”

Roman seemed to think this through for a moment when he asked, “Why me?”

The question took Logan by surprise. “Why you what?”

Roman looked directly into Logan’s eyes. The expression there was raw, unable to be described. “Why did you want to marry me?”

Because you’re the only person I’d ever want to marry. Because you’re the only person I’d ever want. Because you’re stellar. Because you’re funny and sweet and dramatic and unique and loving and thoughtful and romantic. Because despite loving you, I can’t find the vocabulary to express all of this. “Because I love you.”

“Aww, Lo.” Roman reached up, kissing Logan softly. “Now we get to plan a wedding.”

“But first we should go to bed.”

Roman’s eyebrows raised as he smirked, and Logan only slightly regretted his phrasing. “As you wish.”

Logan blushed, but nobody could prove it, so what did it matter?

—

Logan woke first in the morning, a stream of light illuminating the room. He glanced down at Roman, snoring, the ring on his finger shining.

And Logan knew that they would get to spend the rest of their lives like this.

[hellostu-p-i-d]

a tribute to minecraft.

hey. I don’t rlly use tumblr anymore. but i wanted an outlet to be able to write this, so here goes. Minecraft. If you ask most people on the internet, they would probably say it was a big part of their childhood. It’s become somewhat of a meme now, but i’ve been feeling kind of nostalgic lately, so I wanted to put this out there.

I was like 8 or 9. All my friends played it, but I didn’t. i was jealous and wanted to play, but my parents didn’t really approve of video games, so i was left as the only one among my third grade friend group who didn’t play. I felt left out, but i decided to work up the courage to ask my mom for the free version. She obliged, told me not to play too much, and off i was. I couldn’t play with my friends with my 0.00 version of the computer game, but at least i could relate to their conversations about ocelots and diamonds. i would explore the world for hours on end, slowly getting sucked in. But it wasn’t enough. Soon, the limitations of the trial version got to me. I couldn’t change skins, and every day my world would restart. I couldn’t play with friends, or on servers, or experience a lot of what minecraft was really about. 

So i worked up my courage yet again to ask my parents for the full, paid version. And i was freaking scared. I had never asked them to buy a video game, and this one was like 25 bucks. i explained to my dad the best i could that it was just a worldbuilding game. that it was “smart”. I don’t know if he totally bought my explanation, but he bought the game, and thats what mattered. I remember that day, i was totally ecstatic. I remember emailing my friend on my SCHOOL EMAIL that i had gotten the game. I changed my skin to girl in a purple kitty hoodie almost immediately. and thats where my experience with minecraft truly began.

I joined server upon server, built, and went over to friends houses solely to play on the same server as them with the LAN function. i went on mineplex and I remember performing really well in the ender dragon run game, and someone thought I was a boy, so i corrected them. the memory isn’t very significant, but it stands out to me a lot. i remember waiting in the hypixel lobby for my friends to join, and staring at the giant M in the sky of the mineplex one. i watched TONS and TONS of minecraft videos and song parodies (ps. if you want some real nostalgia, listen to skydoesminecraft’s new world parody, or this one titled “lets have some fun in minecraft”), and prayed that i might see DanTDM on a server one day.

back then, i wasn’t really fully obsessed yet. I just played casually and conservatively, so my parents would approve, i guess. later, though, it became an even bigger part of my life. My friends and i would log on every day after school and play on these servers where everyone got 64x64 plots of land to freely build on. Since we didn;t have our own server, we used those to play together. We built giant ice palaces and forests and gardens and anything else we wanted. In school, we talked and talked about sky’s latest video or what we were gonna do once we got home. 

On my own, i explored the biomes of minecraft. i thought it was so cool how you could explore and explore and it would just go on and on. It felt a little lonely, but empowering as well to be in a world completely my own. 

A little later, my minecraft experience changed. I was a huge harry potter fan, and upon discovering harry potter servers, i went crazy. My friends and I all joined and got sorted (i was a gryffindor) and went insane trying to level up our years, and gain spells. We made tons of online friends. I was naive and stupid, but those people were an escape. If things didn’t go well in school, i could always complain about it to someone there. It was a community, truly. I miss it a little sometimes, but i know i can never go back. 

There truly isn’t a way to describe the nostalgia a game like minecraft gives those who played it when they were young. The graphics and the game itself is ridiculously, stupidly simple. its just blocks. but every time i look at a picture of the jungle or desert biome, or an ocelot, a squid, a tree, etc. theres a pang of sadness that runs through me. i wonder what i left unfinished and unexplored in the game. what happened to the horses and dogs we kept on our private servers? or the mansions we spent hours building? they’re preserved there, as an unbreakable part of our past. It sounds dramatic, but the game changed so many people’s lives.i can’t even think about it without being transported back to fourth grade, wanting to be home so badly, so i could just get on there and play. it’s such a sad feeling, knowing that one day, i closed down the minecraft application, not knowing that it would be my last time playing the game. all good things must come to an end, though. So i’d like to say thank you to minecraft. thanks for being the game that gave me an escape for all those years. Thanks for being the game that shaped my childhood. 

thank you minecraft.

[quackspot]

Lemon x character of ur choice fan fiction please *leaves tip of cookie run diamonds*

firelemon firelemon firelemo nfire le

thank u for the cookei run diamonds i shall have enough to get whatever new cookie (milk) comes and his pet and whatever new treasure comes (this happesns a lot becuase i dont level up my cookies,)

it seems a bit long but its not the longest thing ive written, cough cough nudge nudge at 41 page google doc umg

actually it is kidna long for things i write but thats becuase i like firelemon Quite a Lot, minecraft,

Minecraft. Lemon was going to play Minecraft, right? He was. Instead of doing that, he was texting with some other cookies in a group chat on Cacophony, a gaming-friendly voice & text app. He was on the 🍊🍋Citrus Buds group chat.

“⚡welcome to the block parade:

 whats up

🍊sister sweet!: 

nothin much!

🏐sister sour!:

 absolutely Nothing you feral cow

🍊sister sweet!: 

LIME say sorry

⚡welcome to the block parade: 

i was just going to play minecraft and you had to do this

that’s so mean”

He sighed, going on “Don’t bother” mode and starting up Minecraft. As usual, his closest friend, Fire Spirit, was already on. He was building dicks on the server, which was luckily only made for adult players and advertised on CornCob: the porn video website. 

“hey,” he began to type. “whos been building dicks?”

“DJSLJKFLSJKFLJSKLJKLSFJKLDSKLAaOIWRUIODSxmFKF” Fire Spirit keysmashed, probably slightly burning his computer while doing so.

“why are your keysmashes so long”

“shut up im biulding dicks”

“*building” Fire Spirit corrected himself. His username on Minecraft was HottestManAlive and Lemon’s was SourMan (what even is a man? That’s a mystery).

“anyways, lime bullied me and--” a ding came from Lemon’s computer. He got pinged on Cacophony.

“🍊sister sweet!:

@⚡welcome to the block parade lime said sorry”

“Ugh.” He sighed, going back to playing Minecraft.

Fire Spirit was busy, shown by the fact that Lemon was completely surrounded in dirt. He tried to dig himself out, but it felt like every time he dug, there was another block in the way. Soon, he was in a strip-mine in Fire Spirit’s extremely large dirt block.

He finally got out. Even though everyone was on creative, it took so long to punch all those blocks.

“hey lem whats up”

“fire spirit whatd you do” 

“build”

“OK.” Lemon flew away from Fire Spirit, who followed him.

“wait lem i wanna ask you something”

“what”

“wanna go on a date” Lemon’s heart pounded.

“haha thats funny hahahahahahahahahahahaha”

“im being serious lem lets go on a date in REAL LIFE” 

Lemon was sweating. His hands were uncomfortably moist, as were his armpits. He was almost certain his shirt had sweat stains, but when he checked, they didn’t.

“uh

to where”

“i dunno i could visit ur house bc i live in a cave irl”

“wait what i thought u lived in a house” The yellow-haired sour man stared at his screen, taking in every word and ignoring the fact Fire Spirit was building around him again.

“well i mean we could probs meet up at sparklings bar and go on from there

just hang out n stuff”

“that’s cool,” Lemon replied. 

Almost right after replying, Lemon’s door slammed open.

“I THOUGHT YOU DIED!” Orange ran in and hugged him. She looked at his screen. 

“Uh-- Hi, Orange.”

“You got a date? That’s so cool!” She let go of him. “I already asked the time for you!”

“Oh- okay.” 

“I’ll see you on Cacophony later!” She left. 

What the fuck just happened? Lemon sighed, going back to Minecraft to see what was up.

“whyd you type like that you never capitalize anyways it could b any time even right now” 

“im ok with it being rn and orange asked that” Lemon’s fingers were extremely quick, like lightning, one could say.

“ok i’m omw to sparkling’s bar”

“-HottestManAlive has left the game.”

“-SourMan has left the game.”

Lemon put his jacket on, grabbed his cube, and put his phone and his wallet into one of his pockets. Since he had male pants on, the pockets were deep enough to hold a phone AND a wallet. Take that, female clothing!

Fire Spirit stood outside Sparkling’s bar, waiting for Lemon to come. Does he live farther away? Is he walking? Can he fly? Were a few questions he asked himself. Instead of wearing his usual clothing, Fire Spirit put on something more casual-- a red tank top and some shorts. He wasn’t wearing any shoes, not that he’d need them, as he was always hovering a little bit above the ground and wouldn’t be hurt by it anyways. Plus, he doesn’t have any shoes. Or socks.

“Fire Spirit!” His attention was caught by a shorter, yellow-haired cookie. “Welcome, are you coming in?” It was Sparkling cookie.

“No, I’m waiting for Lemon Cookie.” He sighed. 

“Oh! He’s in here. He was waiting for you.”

“That’s lit!” Fire Spirit walked in as Sparkling was dying inside.

“Oh, hi, Fire Spirit.” Lemon’s voice was much quieter than Fire Spirit expected-- and not as deep. It was okay though, as he loved it. Adored it.

“Uh- hi-” Fire Spirit was taking in the view in front of him. He knew Lemon’s Minecraft skin was made by him, but not of him. His heart pounded at the rounder, more handsome version of Lemon.

“That’s weird,” Vampire started, causing both Lemon and Fire Spirit to jump a little, “you never say ‘uh,’ what’s up, Fire?” 

Fire Spirit took Vampire to the side. Lemon stared.

I could check Cacophony, I guess. He turned his phone on and began to read through messages. It was being painfully obvious that Orange thought he died because of the lack of reply. Oh. She told everyone about this. His face was heating up-- who knows what Lime will make fun of him for? 

Fire Spirit sat down next to Lemon in a booth, away from Vampire. 

“Anyways, how are you? I’m doing great.” The flame-haired cookie smiled at Lemon. Vampire Cookie gave Lemon two thumbs up.

“Me too, especially now.”

They chatted-- mostly about Minecraft, but sometimes going on topics of music (Fire Spirit had a surprisingly limited amount of music he listened to, as he only listened to VHS recordings on a boombox) and what was happening outside of Minecraft, like when Orange barged into his room.

“Excuse me, you two, it’s almost time to close,” Sparkling helped Fire Spirit up.

“Pshh, the bar never closes! It shouldn,” Fire Spirit commented.

“Are you helping Fire Spirit back home?” The green-eyed cookie asked Lemon.

“I could take him to my house, I guess.”

“Just be careful, if he gets too angry, his hair can actually burn stuff. Otherwise, you should be fine. It’s surprisingly painless to put your hands in his hair, and it tickles him.”

“How do you know all that?”

“He comes around often, one time daring me and Vampire to put our hands in our hair. Vampire went first.”

“Oh.” Lemon imagined petting Fire Spirit’s hair, his heart beginning to flutter quite a lot more than it already was. “Come on, Fire Spirit, let’s go.”

He made the somewhat long walk to his house. It didn’t feel that long due to Fire Spirit’s slurred compliments and flirts. Lemon sat Fire Spirit down on his couch and sat next to him.

“Wha’s gonna happen now, Lem~,” Fire Spirit joked. 

“I dunno, maybe we can watch a movie.” Lemon yawned.

“Nah, we can, we can sleep!” He suggested. “Or maybe jus’ you. I can go home myself, and then, tomorrow we can do this again.”

“We can both sleep. I’ll be in my room--”

“You’re gonna make me sleep on the couch?? I wanna cuddle you, Lem!” He quickly leaned towards and hugged Lemon. 

Lemon flinched at the contact, but calmed down. He turned on the TV and began to pet Fire Spirit’s hair, making the flame-haired cookie begin to laugh.

“Oh no! My one weakness!” The legendary managed to say within his laughter.

“Oh-- I’ll stop.” Lemon never liked being tickled and could only imagine whatever pain Fire Spirit was going through.

“You don’t haaaaaaaaaaaaaave too! I love it!”

“You need to sleep.”

“Fine, fine.” Fire Spirit sighed.

Lemon channel surfed until he found something that played a marathon of How It’s Created. The two watched it until, eventually, they fell asleep. Fire Spirit was asleep first, as he kept talking to Lemon during the show and waking him up, then apologizing and forgetting a few minutes later.

[interrogatormentors]

Event Two: Straight Flush

CA: if thats howw shits gotta be i get it CA: i really do CA: just lettin you knoww youre gonna regret this. CA: and by the time you realize wwhat a fuckin mistake youvve made in pushin me awway CA: ill be far beyond your reach

-- caligulasAquarium [CA] has left the memo! --

By this point in Eridan Ampora’s life, he knew space as lonely and fickle. He knew that the gaps between stars yawned millennia, and trolls at the top clawed and stabbed each other in the back at every opportunity. As a graduate of the Fleet Academy, Eridan knew this very well. What he hadn’t been prepared for was all the fucking paperwork.

Eridan stared at the blinking cursor on the scheduling spreadsheet in front of him, but no matter how hard he crossed his eyes the numbers never started making sense. As a well-established Dreadnought Condescension team, the DC Reichenbach’s crew all possessed equally established habits and schedules. Needless to say they didn’t take too kindly to an uppity new Head Admin coming in and shuffling shit around.

Eridan leaned back in his chair, lifting his glasses to pinch the bridge of his nose. The ship had one of its usual hiccups then, the lights flaring as an energy shift took place. Wonderful. With his free hand Eridan fumbled for the intercom button. “Get back in the helm, Riesse.”

After a pause a light blinked on the callbox at Eridan’s side, indicating an incoming call. “Yo, it’s been a perigee. Use my name or I riot,” said Riesse.

“Oh, funny, I can’t see Shakes anywhere on your file Riesse.”

“C’mon.”

“No.”

“Errrridan.”

Eridan rested his head on his desk, staring at the floor as he tried to gather himself.

“Shakes. You’ve got a break from the helm tomorrow, we can’t keep usin’ antimatter engines like this. You know that the maintenance for it costs a fuckin’ fortune-”

“Mmmmyeah we can,” Riesse or Shakes or whatever the fuck that fucking brown’s name was. Eridan was tired of battling about it, but he still felt an obligation to protest. “I got shit to do with Bricks.”

“And the captain, and the Chief Intelligence Officer,” Eridan said. Further slouching caused his glasses to slip right off his nose onto the floor. “You can’t all take a break at the same time every week.”

“Yeah, we can,” said Shakes. “God, haven’t you ever heard of like, free time and social bonding? You should join us sometime. Bricks’ got a rad as hell campaign set up and Illhal said she might be transferring. We’ve got an open spot. Table’s big enough for one mooore. Loosen up, holy shit.”

Eridan hung up the call. “Uppity fuckin’ mudfucker,” he said, picking up his glasses from the floor. “Oh wow, let’s just stick a bulge in the captain, get free breaks just whenever.” 

Ever since the helming techs had come out with mobile helmsman upgrades, highbloods who had quadrants with psionic lowbloods were crawling all over it. Some lowblood sympathetic fleet captains and helming techs and docterrors had written essays about the benefits of this new technology, which boasted alleged benefits such as increased helmsman longevity and better synchronization to the ship’s systems. The technology actually meant that those lowbloods with highblood quadrants were guaranteed the ability to move if their quads got their own ship and the rank of fleet captain, and it also meant that said lowbloods came with a hefty pair of globes to match.

Eridan tried to assure himself that he shouldn’t have been surprised. The Reichenbach’s captain was a piece of work to say the least, and her matesprit was such a cocky bastard with no respect for his blood superiors. As blood equals, with Captain Nekara as his superior in age and rank, Eridan kept his mouth shut to humor her smug piece of shit matesprit who jittered with ridiculous amounts of excess psionic energy.

Eridan’s palmhusk started beeping then, letting him know about breaktime, and he cast a defeated look to the stark and empty crew schedule. Normally he’d just work through his break, considering he never had other obligations. This time, he tried something new.

[Welcome to Poker Palace Server 2022A, caligulasAquarium, apocalypticTreeswing, circuitryCloser, torpidAnnihilator! Please read the rules and have fun! Currently there are 40 viewers of this game.]

AT: aw (fuck) aw beans aw no AT: playing with (fucking) TA?????? CC: hhehhe get wrekt dood CA: wwhat CA: do you knoww each other AT: nah dude’s a (damn) bot or whatever and wins every (fucking) time AT: shoot i wanted to bet money on this match too CC: just bet on TA man CC: thhey’re like always online ur going to make a hHELLA profit AT: my pride tho CA: wwhat pride AT: DUDE :*C

Poker didn’t seem too labor intensive, especially when Eridan could theoretically still work on the schedule on the other monitor. As time progressed he instead found that the match he’d gotten roped into took all his focus after the user torpidAnnihilator wiped the floor with all of them as apocalypticTreeswing had warned. Users could theoretically stay for infinite matches, and so a rematch began.

TA won again.

And again.

Over and over TA called bluff after bluff, and unveiled hand after winning hand after intimidating everyone else, even as AT and CC left and were replaced by other users. Each user expressed dismay at seeing TA there, but something in Eridan had been awoken.

He needed to win. So he kept playing even as his break ended, eyes flicking from schedule to poker match as he continued to lose over and over. He could have fun and loosen up, totally. He just had to win first.

[Welcome to Poker Palace Server 3014C, caligulasAquarium, torpidAnnihilator, gentrificationAwaiting, corporealTone! Please read the rules and have fun! Currently there are 67 viewers of this game.]

CA: ready to lose fucker CA: you cant wwin forevver CT: ...what CA: do i look like im talkin to you GA: i mEan it’s an opEn chatroom, so GA: if you’rE talking to TA good luck haha, CA: ivve been goin at it for four perigees hes gotta lose sometime CT: ...lol GA: LOL, GA: i’vE bEEn playing for tEn swEEps!! GA: thEy don’t losE!  CA: wwell wwere gonna see about THAT noww wwont wwe CA: if youvve got a penchant for believvin anyone that isnt the empress can be infallible youre sadly fuckin mistaken CA: one wway or another im gonna fuckin provve it and then youll eat your fuckin wwords. chumps

TA said nothing as per usual, but this silence stopped bothering Eridan long ago. He had become used to the empty silence that filled the digital lobby during games. Every muscle in Eridan’s body tensed as time went on and he focused, watching everything unfold as he kept his cards close to his virtual chest. The match concluded as it usually did, with GA and CT folding and TA refusing to show their hand. After playing this long, however, Eridan had learned to take his chances. If they needed to, TA usually folded or called a bluff second. This time they’d held onto their cards.

CA: bluff you dont havve shit CT: ...we both got shit hands you know hes got a good one CA: still callin it

With the bluff called, TA’s hand flipped over to reveal a four, two fives of separate suits, and an eight. Not necessarily a bad hand, but not a good one. The entire world stopped and Eridan felt a funny lurch in his digestive sack. He lurched to his feet, staring at the screen for a good minute.

For so many perigees, Eridan had worked towards this very moment. Each second that he stood there taking slow, shaking breaths to comprehend what had just happened felt like an eternity of downright euphoria. He’d done it.

However the world, and more importantly the game, wouldn’t wait forever. He moved his shaky hands to type out the damning words.

CA: straight flush CA: i wwin

A silence followed, and Eridan felt so fucking giddy, like there were clouds below his feet. He hadn’t felt this good in perigees. The commenters who had been gossiping about the inevitable outcome of the match had lapsed into shock with the other players also at a loss. TA, as always, remained silent. Finally, GA and CT began to type, almost in unison.

GA: what CT: ...holy shit GA: arE you fucking serious no WAY you’rE cheating! CA: if this wwere anythin but an online servver i wwould be less insulted CA: i cant code my wway out of a wwet paper bag CT: ...still theres no way you couldve beaten him of all people CA: look a lot of this game is luck okay wwhat the fuck are you talkin about CA: havve you evven played poker before in your life TA: Huh. TA: Well, thII2 II2 a 2urprII2e. TA: ThII2 game wa2 quIIte refre2hIIng, thank you. CT: ...hhhhhhhooooh my god

The match closed itself then, leaving Eridan staring at his victory screen. Something about that quirk seemed familiar, but he shook the thought away. The one he’d known with that quirk had disappeared a sweep before Eridan himself had left the rebellion. He had to be dead by now. Friend requests started pinging on his poker profile as he sat there, viewers of the match itself enamored by the new champion. More than a few angry messages popped up, considering TA’s popularity in betting circles. Only one private message caught Eridan’s attention.

TA: Let me know IIf you would lIIke to play me agaIIn 2ometIIme. TA: II am very aware you have been 2talkIIng 2erver2 lookIIng for me and that would 2ave 2ome ha22le on your end II thIInk. TA: That was the mo2t fun II have had for a whIIle. TA: II may have two quIIt 2oon con2IIderIIng your mo2t deft humIIlIIatIIon, but fIIndIIng a new hobby II2 laborIIou2.

Eridan reread the messages at least five times to absorb just what the mysterious reigning champion of the poker ring was actually offering. There was an odd little flutter in his chest, something he’d thought he’d never feel again. Pride, and a well-earned, well deserved sense of pride at that. Acknowledgement by an ever-supreme master at a craft, even for something as little as poker, meant worlds to him. He couldn’t help the grin that crossed his face, still on a euphoric high  at the sudden turn of events.

CA: uh wwoww okay CA: look evveryone loses evventually unless youre hackin or wwhatevver CA: surprised no one else called you out TA: The thIIng about garnerIIng a reputatIIon IIn onlIIne communIItIIe2 II2 IIntimIIdatIIon and people fallIIng on your bulge in terror ju2t come2 wIIth the whole package. TA: And a2 you know, that II2 the name of the game. CA: i thought it wwas poker TA: What? TA: Oh, very funny. CA: oh my god you talk like a fuckin loser howw old are you TA: That II2 a very rude que2tIIon. TA: II wIIll 2ee you agaIIn, ErIIdan. All haIIl the Empre22. CA: all hail i guess

TA logged off then. Eridan continued to bask in his own victory before freezing, eyes scanning over the last few messages TA had sent.

That couldn’t be possible.

He took a moment, eyes fixed on that one sentence in the chatlog again before he flipped over to his personal profile. No, nothing there. He had made sure not to put any identifying information on his profile apart from his blood color code, which more than a few members did. His name wasn’t anywhere on the site.

Swallowing hard, Eridan closed the poker site down for now and opened this week’s schedule and maintenance logs. Only victory mattered, and he’d accomplished that. What could some random nobody on the internet do to him?

Maybe Shakes’ D&D session would be a little less nerve-wracking.

[giannisbct-blog]

I “LIKE” programming

Well just like this blog, when it came to the like system, I wasn’t entirely sure where to start. I had started working on this before we had decided to go with AR built in Unity so I figured I would get the mechanics working and then be able to transfer them into Unity. Initially when we were thinking of building a physical model or projection mapping, I was going to have the like button on a webpage so that anyone could access it, an inherently thats where I started. I had the thought of using a python script to build the whole back end mechanic of the system and that data would be passed from the user via the webpage, and after quickly running this by Liam (who has done something similar before) he agreed that it would be the easiest way and we could have multiple users at once which is what we wanted. I built the most basic version of the “front end” part so that someone could input their name and then like it so the likes would be attributed to them, just like it is on social media.

Liam recommended using the flask module for Python to host the server (and webpage for testing). Once I had installed that I managed to get a connection between the two and even by complete fluke was getting it to receive data from multiple devices and be able to register that it was from different devices. I personally was stoked about this because it was 90% of the like system working but then Liam pointed out, as we don’t know why it worked, if it stopped working we also wouldn’t be able to pick out why. I figured it was in my best interests to learn the best practice for this rather than get the minimum working version as it would be great reference material for the future. In these early stages, Liam helped me a lot by explaining why one way was better than another and generally guiding me through which was super helpful as I was almost coming from no coding background. The main think I am super grateful for is him introducing me to JSON, which I’ll be honest was an absolute pain at first but I now realise it was definitely the best way to go as it was far more reliable and actually made sense. So essentially what was happening is that the HTML page was passing the name that was submitted by the user, to the python script every time the like button was clicked. The script would then add a new value to its own defined variable “like” and count them like that. The bonus of doing it like this is that if someone played once and then after a while came back too have another go, their “score” would compound and keep increasing. On that note though the downside is that if two users input the same name they will have a super score rather than two separate scores. While this would be a downside for an actual game where the score would need to be counted from just one game at a time and not an overall total, for our project it sort of just adds to it. The idea is that the more people “like” the disaster that happens, the more it proves our point that social media is building a screen which separates people from reality and that they can simply click a button to show their support, and the more they do that, the more they are helping? Or at least thats the theory.

In the past when it has come to doing small code projects I have looked up how to do something, found code that suited my need, copied it and then tweaked it to properly fit my programme. However, this doesn’t mean I necessarily understood it which is something I wanted to do differently this time. As this was basically my main role in the team, I wanted to make sure I would be able to explain to other people how it worked rather than have a piece that worked but just because it did. Which I guess relates to this whole degree itself, nothing is really taught to us (especially in studio) and its all self directed so we need to learn the skills ourselves and in this day in age when you don’t need a computer science degree to become a developer but simply be able to copy code from different places to suit your programme, I believe it is quite important to know what you are doing because I the future it will make me far more efficient. And its the learning by doing thing that works really well for me that I like. For example when it came to having to deal with GET requests from both the server and user side, I had done something similar before with the instagram location finder programme that I had had a play with earlier in the semester, and because I had used it before I sort of knew how it worked but then I had the code itself I could look through again and figure out why it worked and what parts I could omit for this different programme. I have to say, I think this semester I have learned more about programming from simply trial and error, Liam and online tutorials than I did in all of last year where I did both programming papers. It was also great to learn this in a group setting where the other team members also are not super coding savvy as trying to explain what I was doing or why I couldn’t do something that we wanted to do due to the nature of the system that I was writing in non technical terms helped clarify what I was doing for myself. I would certainly like to keep doing more programming projects in the future to further develop my skills and learn new things.

Transferring the user side to Unity was a whole different box of frogs though. First of all Unity is all scripted in C# which I have never used before (but luckily is similar to java which I had dabbled in with processing last year) but the whole mechanic of connecting to a server is made a lot more difficult as all requests need to be sent through a Coroutine. Which I’ll be honest, I had never heard of until I stumbled across a million Stack Overflow forums that explained that that is what you have to use. I think I have got my head around them mostly but there are still some things about them that elude me, for example everywhere (including the Unity manual) it says that they end when they hit a “return”, but I have coroutines that have functions or call new functions still enclosed in the coroutine but after the return type and it still calls them (see below).

They also supposedly run for their specified length (of time) regardless where they are called, i.e will run for 6 seconds if told to after being called from the Update( ) function. However, I have found that in some of my code this works, in other parts it just sort of ignores that rule and sometimes it waits for a wee while longer than the instructed time. So its not totally something that I fully understand but I know it enough to be able to use it in the right places and the majority of the function of the Unity scene is run by coroutines so I am clearly doing something right. I like to think of it as a poorly trained animal, I know the commands and the animal knows what they mean but sometimes chooses to do its own thing.

Another major challenge I had was dealing with JSON, for starters sending the exact same data as I was from the webpage but through unity, it was as if it was parson the data into JSON and then parsing the JSON into more JSON even though the commands where almost the same, so on the python side I had to update it so that it decoded the incoming JSON properly so it was then actually processed logically. This brought in a whole world of problems in itself as then the data that was being sent back to the user was all jumbled and messed up which was less than ideal as it felt I had actually gone backwards rather than made progress. But as I have learned from this project, every new error you get means that you are making progress as you have made it past the previous error. After all of that though, I did get it working.

Once I had done all of that, I realised that it was a perfectly functioning Like system that recorded multiple user’s scores and could compound them and it was perfect, but only once. There was no way to restart it without stopping the whole application and going again. So there was the next challenge which proved a lot more difficult that initially suspected mainly due to how referencing different Game Objects is from a script and even harder, referencing the scripts of those Game Objects which is what caused me many hours of strife. To make matters more difficult as well, Unity doesn’t appreciate all the things you could normally do in a C# script so you have to find ways around its very stubborn walls which in my case lead to many, many scripts. Doesn’t sound like such a terrible thing but to make sure each was working correctly I was logging things to the debug console from almost every script so then when I wanted to look for a specific message I was sending to try and get something working, it became a whole lot harder because there were 20+ scripts that were all printing to the console. But once again, I am a champion and figured it out.

As I write this I realise that it doesn’t sound that difficult and didn’t take that long but the code for the like system has been haunting me at night and has been an ongoing saga for weeks . I certainly have learned heaps and am happy with my process that I undertook. However, if I was to do it again knowing what I know now, I would skip out the HTML part and just go straight for the C# scrips because I think that transition was the hardest part of this whole process. In HTML (with javascript) it is easy to do everything all in on document but with C#, you can’t send data and also receive it in the same script, you need to separate them into multiple scripts which is where confusion starts manifesting as you try and think across multiple scripts and have to remember what each one is referencing and how it will then affect the other one. The issue with backend systems as well is you don’t overtly see your mistake as you would with front end because either something happens or it doesn’t and if it doesn’t you then have to comb through your code to find the broken section and find out what is messing you up. Overall I think this is what I found the most frustrating as I have only really done mainly front end development rather than back end, but this project was certainly a great insight into it. Now as for this whole project once we got on a roll, I obviously stopped blogging as I got so engrossed in the work which I do understand is not the best practice but as we were pushed for time (having left it so late to start doing something) I focused solely on getting the work done and from an outsider’s perspective the final product doesn’t really show how much work went into the programming of it, so I have uploaded all my scripts to GitHub so you can have a look at them, and also see how things work if you are interested: https://github.com/JabronusMaximus/ARcde-Scripts

[crybabybyee]

i need to write this down before i forget. i already am~

you ever have those dreams where your partner is cheating.. and they cut you deep, like stab you in the heart? well i just had one yay!!!

but when i woke up it just affirmed everything for me? and made me feel so glad im free from him. because last night all i could think of is ‘what if i was still with him?’

and then your brain makes you have this fucking dream...thats too much of a reality, and you have to thank your brain for being so damn rational

so he was cheating on me in the dream with this girl who he met on valorant in the summer - the backstory; he joined her discord server, and i would often see him playing with her on the voice chat sometimes alone..sometimes with others. and i felt SO weird about her. also, she was 17....so it just really grossed me out. the first thing she said when he added her on discord was “lilac??” because in his bio it says ‘i love you lilac’ - just a sad attempt to make me believe he isnt cheating. why so interested to know who i am? and he knew i had a problem with it but never leaved, just complained to me about ‘not allowed to have friends waa waa’...yea, but why does it have be a fucking 17 year old girl u pedo? anyway, i cant prove that something happened but i have very much woman intuition on this one. they even had private calls before, too, til i pointed that out. and then one day...he finally left the discord server and blocked her? so im like...sus...why did you block her and leave?? “oh you were right theyre all immature and her and this boy were arguing because she is seeing him and hes been talking to other girls etc and i called them kids and left”...tbh, i dont buy that story AT all. i do know she got annoyed at him for something tho. his friend said “are you coming back to the server? ----- isnt mad at you anymore” - wtf? he says no, and im thinking, did she expose him in the server maybe? for being on snapchat or something else? also...he was in a bunch of other servers that she was in, he left them all except for one? why? AND he has her as a friend on steam...i went on her profile and the bio says “send steam cards for titty pics” and idc if its trolling. if he sees something like that hes in there. he just makes me feel so, so sick.

so yeah, in the dream i find out hes defo cheating with this slag (btw shes 18 now so he’ll get away with anything) and when i woke up i just felt SO positive about not getting back with him. because FUCKKKK THAT. i didnt see her name on snapchat but i also didnt get to look hard enough, and she may not be using her actual name on there.

imagine if we did? ‘start a fresh slate’ the first thing i would say is “WHY do you have --- on steam and shes talking about titty pics? i bet you have her on snapchat too? and why do you have all these new girls names on your discord since we broke up???” XDDD

fucking pathetic!!! our relationship pattern will continue this way for eternity!! itll never be new or with trust and security. like seriously thank u brain for that dream. i really needed a shake after yesterday. no way am i dealing with you and your lists of girls you fucking pathetic ugly shit.

we are just 2 totally, completely different people, i couldnt imagine having a bunch of guys that i talk to. maybe when i was younger, but i wouldnt be flirting with them and asking for dick pics e_e

[yammoba]

@raspberry0rain

It wasn't actually queerbaiting though. They were actually a couple, and Shiro did have an on screen marriage. It might not be quality representation, and if you were watching voltron specifically for representation i get hating the show, but queerbaiting it is not.

I wasn't happy with it either, just from a pure writing standpoint, it wasn't as strong as it could have been, and there were probably other options. But a lot of those other options would have taken more time, and the last season was rushed as it is. They could have cut some other stuff for sure and I think that it maybe would have been the smarter thing to do. But I also personally don't think the last season was that terribly written. It was flawed for sure, but in a way lots of endings are. Especially if you're writing and planning season to season and don't get to plan things from the begining, or aren't able to stick to your plans for what ever reason.

@micros0ftpaint

I honestly don't remember it being as bad as everyone seems to think it was?? At least to warrant the level of frothing hatred and dismisal the show receives?? Admittidly I didn't pay that much attention to the marketing, because i didn't need to, I was already going to watch the show. but the most from the actual team i remember is some tweets and like 1 interview that got quoted to hell and back. The fandom kept talking about it and asking about it and theorizing and I honestly think that it skewed people's perspectives.

I think it was a stupid move to try to hype up Adam in the ways that they did, given what was there and what the show was actually focused on. Especially because most people who were gonna be watching the final season, were already watching the show. It was pointless, and probably more of an attempt to pander, than anything? So, as someone who mostly just watched the show as it was coming out, people calling the show itself queerbaiting irrideemable media is baffling to me. Comparing it to something like Sherlock for example, it doesn't even come close. (I also wouldn't even call Sherlock "irrideemable" I think there's very little media that is genuinely that)

From a writing perspective it might have been good if Shiro had been able to mention or think about Adam or have flashbacks or w/e in earlier seasons. And I think it is pretty clear that they chose to add him in last minute. And to be real, I don't think they gave much thought to the character's sexualities and if that should be a thing in the show until the fandom started bring it up. Which is why if feels more like a case of "pandering" gone wrong. (To be clear i don't think "pandering" is inherently bad) However you could make serveral in character arguments for why Shiro didn't mention Adam or discuss his sexuality. They are reasons that could have been written around, but given what the show was actually focused on, and how much time they ended up having, I think it was mostly reasonable. The last season was rushed, and probably tried to cram too much stuff in, and maybe could have been better if it focused on character development and cut out the plane guys... but I love the plane guys and it honestly felt like they were trying to have a bunch of ~epic action fun moments~. Which, as a meatheaded mech fan, I enjoyed immensely.

It just bugs me because when people talk about queerbaiting a lot of the time they are using one word to refer to a wide variety of practices which have different origins and effects. And using it as a buzzword to declare the something somehow uniquely morally bad?? When I honestly think people were just disappointed for a variety of other reasons, a lot of them ship related, and some not. But it feels like people think its not good enough to just be disappointed, its also like an attack on them personally, which is a mindset I see continuing to be popular in various forms, and I think it does damage to discourse and how people think about and write queer rep. And using words in a "buzzword" fashion to get people to immediately agree with you is a general internet problem as well, and causes lots of issues. which is why I'm salty.

This is also more of a general thing, but I also think in a lot of cases people's expectations for queer rep in shows is a bit... high? Its good and fine to have high expectations, and to keep pushing things forward, but I also think sometimes people loose perspective on the actual state of things and how difficult it is to actually get away with good queer rep, especially in kids media. And I think people tend to loose sight of how far we've actually come, in not that long a time. Especially considering how long it takes for a show to go through development and being made. And I think fandom plays a roll in this skewed expectation. Because queer fanworks and interpretations are so popular. And that is a good thing! I am happy that people have more space to be comfortable and talk about these things, it used to be so so much worse, and I'm happy that people get to write 120k word fanfictions about dudes kissing and not get sent cease and disist letters, or wildly mocked by the majority of internet users. But I also think tempered expectations can be a valuable thing, especially, especially if you're engaging with marketing for a property. Thats just like... a general thing for marketing, not even just for representation.

[kakashi-hatake-lover]

It's funny how life plays out sometime. Every life motivated by the push and pull of events around them. Kakashi's life has always been a journey he had very little choice or control in. Ordered how to behave, how to fight, where to go. Even when he tried to carve out his own path the current of life pulled him back to a path filled with guilt and loss.

But life, like water continued on through the storms of enraged oceans and soft trickles of forgotten streams. Life, it was tiring sometimes but kakashi took each step forward, whatever life threw he had survived, grown, broken many times, but survived.

His goal in life ever changing now focused on trying to improve the well being of his shinobi. Give new generation a future of freedom and choice, and offer support to those that suffer.

Being Hokage however had changed his life as much as he privately disliked it. The weight of village was heavy indeed. Although, Shikamaru does allow him the few moments to slip away.

Paperwork is his life now. Kakashi finally understood why the review team would scold him for late submissions. God, he was getting old.

Today's mundane trauma was the report system had crashed. And, so kakashi was sat his computer diary was stuck in the cycle as it loaded and crashed because there were no documents coming through. No, thats a lie. One report in the last 3 hours was successfully logged. He had been assured that calls had been made to IT, but kakashi was never one to just sit and idly wait.

He spun in his chair, allowed it to return him to facing the desk. The computer still loading. With new found motivation he finally picked up him phone and shuffled his was closer into his desk. He didn't have to call, him calling wouldn't suddenly resolve the issue and every report would ping onto his computer, hell if he so wished he could call the director personally.  he knew that. But~ but he wanted to call. And Kakashi cherishes each small freedom he gets, with that in mind he finally dialled and silently hoped to hear the voice he wanted to hear on the other line.

It shouldn't have come as a surprise that he would be filed into a virtually queue with the distorted jingle far too loud for any comfort only to be interuppted by a robotic female telling him his number in the queue. 7 to be precise.

"Good afternoon IT support, Olivia speaking."

The soft trill of Olivia's voice pulled kakashi from his book. Phone minutes ago abandoned to enjoy the wait music alone was now back in Kakashi's hand, pressed firmly against his ear. Even though he was alone he tried to restrain the smile that blossomed from his heart. He found himself suddenly standing, talking was always better when upright and alert.

"Olivia, Hi. It's uh~" he hesitated.

"Mr Hatake!" The young woman sounded as joyous as always. One couldn't help but feel the warmth she effortlessly radiated. Kakashi knew she would be smiling. He could hear it in her voice, she always greeted that you were an old friend, and she held you dear to her heart. Perhaps even a little nieve to the trials the world relentlessly threw. Kakashi admired that~

"Mr Hatake? Hello? Can you hear me?"

"Hm, yes sorry. My mind was a bit distracted...how are you?"

"I'm doing adequately~" Olivia chuckled. "To has been bit of a stressful one. Had a small cry over my lunch. But its all settling now, just got a backlog of reports that need pushing through."

Kakashi perched on his desk and propped his phone between his shoulder and ear which allowed him to fold his arms over his chest. "What happened?"

On the other end he heard Olivia let out a heavy sigh. "No idea, but the servers have been restarted. So all I know is the issue is resolved now. There should be a correspondence coming out to the shinobi and an issue report made for the Hokage. I imagine he's fuming! How are you?'

"Well about that. You said the issue is resolved, but my computer is still not pulling through any reports." Kakashi turned to peer at his screen the rather patronising sad face was still very much visible. On the other end the muted sound of typing began.

"Oh, let's see. Which archive are you trying to access?" It was amusing to hear the switch from cheerful to professional.

"Well at the moment its A rank archive. I refresh the page it says its fetching data and then that sad face appears."

The typing grew faster and louder all the while Olivia mimicked kakashi's words under her breath. "Okay, unfortunately I don't have access to the A rank archive to check~ and my manger is not at his desk...hm. oh! Im just going to put you on mute, I know where I can check. Is it okay if I put you on mute? Or would you prefer the hold music."

"Anything but the hold music."

"Okay hold tight I'll be back before you know it!" With a genuine giggle the line went silent. And so kakashi waited. He wondered what kind of person this Olivia really was, to talk so casually and sound as if she gave a damn. She sounded young, well younger than himself. Was this her first job perhaps? Still fresh and fully of hope. What did she look like, her hobbies and interests?

"So!" The line blew back into life. However the heavy breathing and pained wheezing told a whole story. Kakashi felt a stab of concern.

"That was the first time I've ran in months. But I asked one of the jounin live testers just to check for me and the A archive is all fine now so you shouldn't be having any issues. So, my next question to you Mr Hatake auditor in the hokage building, have you checked your Internet connection?"

Of course he has checked his Internet connection. But, then  had he? Slowly kakashi turned to face his monitor. Surely it can't be his connection? Can it? He let his eyes drift to the bottom right corner, and there. As plain as day the Internet disconnected symbol.

"Oh, well would you look at that." He flushed, he could feel his stupidity arise with the embarrassment. But with all his training his voice remained impassive. That's all that mattered. She couldn't see him facepalm and slump back in his chair.

Laughed erupted between the pair, kakashi finally took his place in his seat once again and made quick work or reconnecting his Internet. He'll never get used to this new system hes sure of it~"

"If it makes you feel any better, I spent the best part of 2 weeks not having access to one of the support channels we use. It was because I was using the wrong email...are you back online."

Kakashi smiled, refreshed his webpage and within seconds the diary sprang to life. A days worth of work flooded every crevasse. "We are back up and running." He opened the first report and scanned the details, oh the joys of paperwork!

"I'm glad we got that fixed. This will be the last time we speak probably, Mr Hatake."

The blunt statement pulled Kakashi away from his work. That was very unexpected. "Why, where are you off to?"

"The company are making some changes. So I'll be moving to support the Hokage. I dont know if he has been made aware yet. But management found out he was calling this support line alot, which isn't right. Although I have no idea who he is has been speaking to. So they are setting up a private support within the Hokage office. I was offered the position! Ill be testing software too within the actual office environment too. Its all very exciting. Maybe if the Hokage isn't strick ill be able to help others in  the main building! But that is completely out of my hands."

"I have no doubt our paths will cross." Kakashi couldn't help the amusement that filled his heart. She still had not cottoned on. Perhaps it was time to tell Olivia before it was too late? But where would the fun in that be. "When do you transfer?"

"Hmm technically in a few weeks. But I go on annual leave from today, and I have been advised that once the Hokage is informed I may start sooner rather than later. Oh~"

Shuffling over the line pulled through the line. Olivia's voice became muffled, it seemed she was speaking to someone.

"I do apologise Mr Hatake, I need to let you go now." Her voice hushed, into a strained whisper. " my manager just told me off. But! I hope you have a lovely day and maybe I will see you soon? Bye!"

"Yes, I hope so too~" the line had already disconnected.

[psychosunflower-blog]

1-800-237-8522||Daniel Seavey||Imagine 5♡

Summary: You finally realize you aren’t alone

Words:1310

Warnings: Mentions of Depression, Anxiety and suicide.Yes they are strong topics but if no one talks about it than we just pretend they aren't real and thats something I refuse to stand by and do.

Requested: No

A/n:If you didn't watch the VMAs or you haven't seen logics performance or speech please watch this, it is so powerful

Taken from my Imagine book on wattpad, More people need to understand that they aren’t alone♡

This wasn't your first time at the VMA's as "Y/n" The youtuber with just close to 11 million subscribers but it was your first time going as Daniel Seaveys girlfriend and nothing felt more amazing that standing off to the side while he and the boys had their first VMA interview.

They had blown up in the last 11 months and you couldn't have been more proud of them, besides Daniel those four boys were your best friends and just seeing all that they are doing was so amazing.

You and Daniel were living the life right now, watching people you two blasted through the car speakers now perform live gave you such a rush.

"I think Logic is performing next" Daniel whispered in your ear over the loud music. You had actually met Logic a few times when you were working on a black lives matter campaign and the woman's rights movements, he was such an amazing and down to earth person and he happened to be on of your favourite musicians so your face lit up when Daniel said that.

You two always had a running joke, that no boy could ever steal you away from Daniel but Logic and he was married so that was out of the question, of course you never meant that, you wouldn't leave Daniel for the world but you always found it funny when Danny got jealous.

"Every so often a rare and important song in video comes along and let us know how true that is. The moving piece of film and music that is the video for "1-800-273-8255' brought me to tears.The truth is pricing and the truth is what matters and the truth is that no one is alone. It takes great courage to show the venerable side of being a human and we all have that side. Whatever you are going through no matter how dark it may seem there is an undeniable truth and strength in the fact that you are not alone. We all have struggles and as long as you don't give up on yourself light will break through the darkness. The national suicide prevention lifeline is available to you 24/7 if you are in crisis or concerned about somebody who might be.Just dial 1-800-273-8255" Kesha spoke(It took me 10 minutes to look watch a youtube video and type what she spoke but I love it), Your heart started to beat a little faster and that's when Daniel took your hand in his and squeezed it tight, knowing that at some point your tears would fall.

Suddenly the beautiful violins started playing causing your heart to melt, you were already loving every second of it and it had only just started.

Then Logics voice started, singing the words that had made your heart feel heavy as memories flooded back to you.

"I don't wanna be alive, I don't wanna be Alive"

You yourself were a suicide attempt surviver, and when you had heard this new song on his album you started sobbing and now seeing it live was even more powerful than the music video.

But the tears didn't fall down your face until lights fell on people standing around the stage in shirts with the number on the front and 'you are not alone" on the back. All of them being suicide attempt servers as well, you couldn't help but stand up with many others and stand there in shock as Khalid had started singing on the middle of the stage as more people in those shirts stood behind the three musicians.

"I just want to thank you all so much for giving me a platform to talk about something main stream media doesn't want to talk about : mental health, anxiety, suicide, depression and so much more that I talk about on this album,From racism, discrimination, sexism, domestic violence, sexual assault, and so much more; I don't give a damn if you are black, white, or any color in between. I don't care if you're Christian, you're Muslim, you're gay, you're straight, I am here to fight for your equality. Because I believe that we are all born equal, but we are not treated equally and that is why we must fight. We must fight for the equality of every man, woman, and child regardless of race, religion, color, creed, and sexual orientation. So I say here and now if you believe in of peace, love, positivity, and equality for all then I demand that you rise to your feet and applaud not only for yourselves but for the foundation we are laying for our children" Logic had said ending the song. By now the boys and everybody else in the stadium were on their feet, most with tears in their eyes and everybody clapping.

This night, more than every other night had shown you that you weren't alone, and that you still aren't. That although you had gotten better since the attempt that your mental health wasn't something to be taken lightly, no ones was.

It also made you want to talk about it more, maybe if someone heard your story they would feel more comfortable telling theirs.

Logics performance had moved you in ways you couldn't begin to explain and Daniel never once left your side.

____

If you don't talk about things; they won't get better. But ending your life is never a solution to a problem, and I hope that everyone reading this book, anyone who struggles with anything, anyone that deals with something they feel that can't handle will call this number, or the number for your country and you will get the help you need. I love you all and I support every single one of you, but please never be afraid to pick up the phone and call that number.

If you ever want someone to talk to,weather you've had a bad day and your feeling down or you are feeling lonely or you just want an idiot to pass time with, MY MESSAGES ARE ALWAYS OPEN.

I will not be offended if you ask me personal things, I will go out of my way to help you or try to find you help, and I will do my absolute best to make that smile go across your face.

You are all so strong and amazing and talented, you are gonna kick ass in life and I know that, but you've come this far and Im so proud of you. Please never make the choice to make today your last day.

 I couldn't think of a better way than to tell each reader that they aren't alone. I want to thank each and every one of you for coming back, with every update and going to check my books out when I tell you I've written a new one 10000 times.

Before I started writing this book I was in a horrible place, and a large part of me still is, I struggle daily, sometimes worse than the last day, but writing this book, seeing all the positive comments, feeling like I belong somewhere has made a huge difference to me and I can't thank you enough for this.

To every single person who was commented,voted, even read half of one chapter, thank you. You've all changed my life in ways y'all won't ever understand and I hope that some how or some way I change yours.

Loving you with all of my heart.

-Coffeemarais