#but the Hulk is the one that's actually present and is suffering all of the time

[sidsinning]

which MCU women do u think suffer from bad writing the most then? (Also yes Gamora and Nebula sweep)

Black Widow 10000000%

Like

This is me fully totally completely hating on the misogynistic writing that plagues her character and not her herself

She was really never utilized as more than the token woman of the Avengers until the very end up to her death

The fact that she was the only Avenger who didn't get a movie before they became the Avengers in the first place tells you a lot about what an afterthought she was to the studio

Actually insulting that she got a movie only after her character permanently died

Like she's very much the "sexy femme fatale/cool girl" archetype in the beginning of the MCU and is very blantantly sexualized in a way other characters aren't, even other female characters (disrobing for the camera, kissing Steve for disguise purposes)

Granted they stop with the sexualization later on (thank god for the Disney overlords for once) but even then she was always just a cool side character present so the men have back up for their own character arcs

Like she's AN AVENGER??? and has hinted stuff about her past which could've been expanded on during the Avengers movies, but she was never more important than Iron Man, or Thor, or Captain America, or even the Hulk.

But also. You can just tell the people writing her are men who do not give a shit about her outside of how she relates to the male characters they actually give a shit about.

Joss Whedon is especially strange imo

Like he FINALLY gives some focus on her but makes her issue in Avengers 2 smtg about not being about to reproduce and its like

Huh

When was this ever her

Issue

Was this hinted before

Like

Huh????

And nothing comes from it after either 😭

Like this is a heavy ass topic that deserves respect, but the way this guy needed to give a Woman Character™ an issue and decided it should be about her uterus out of nowhere is not. A good thing.

But yeah felt like there were slivers of potential character exploration for her throughout all these movies, and every single time, every writer just threw them out the window for more Thor or Iron Man quips

Peter is our main character in Guardians of the Galaxy. Every Guardian is a main character but there is a clear focus on him directly compared to the other characters. This never stopped James Gunn from giving any of the other Guardians their own special stories that intertwined with Peter's so beautifully. He actually gave a shit about every single one of them 😭✋️

[bagsofbones63]

The Boar and the Bat

This the first story I had ever written for myself so it being my first post makes sense. It features my OCs Avalanche and El Vacío (real names to be revealed later) Hope you enjoy.

"A-va-lanche, A-va-lanche, A-val-lanche!" The chant crescendoed as a hulking figure entered the arena. The chant devolved into a cacophony of cheers while the boar wrestler slowly made his way to the ring. He wanted nothing more than to wave back at the crowd and thank them for their excitement but he knew that would betray the arrogant and brash character his agent had concocted for him. Instead, he paused in front of the ring and flexed for the crowd before winking at a group of fans. "People love a flirt," his agent would always tell him. The way the fans suffered a group fainting spell only validated that statement.

He rolled into the ring and took center stage before flexing again. Wearing only a mask and a pair of wrestling trunks, nothing was left to the imagination. Personally, he would have preferred something warmer, his white chest and arm fur only did so much to keep him warm, but his agent insisted that this was the best outfit for him. "Sex sells" she would say. The slow decrescendo of cheers signaled that it was time for him to take his spot on the side of the ring and wait for his opponent. He leaned on the ropes and tried to present a relaxed, almost bored disposition. In actuality he was beyond excited; the mix of cold and anticipation was causing goosebumps to erupt all over his skin. He wondered who he would be fighting; the producers never told the wrestlers who their opponents were. He thought it was some odd attempt to keep them on their toes.

Silence fell over the arena as everyone awaited the reveal of Avalanche's challenger. Several seconds passed but, still, there was no sign of his opponent. Confused murmurs from the crowd began to overtake the room. "A no show? Really?" He thought. Knowing he couldn't let the dead air continue, Avalanche made his way to the center of the ring. "Looks like I scared him off, didn't I!" He shouted.

"YEAH!" The crowed shouted in response.

A hearty laugh escaped his barreled chest before he continued. "That just goes to show that he couldn't handle,” He flexed his right arm for emphasis. “The crushing weight,” his left arm followed suit. “Of an Avalan- '' the lights cut out causing him to lose his words. When they came back a new figure was standing atop a turnbuckle in the corner of the ring. The bat wrestler El Vacío had made his entrance.

A brief look of surprise flashed across Avalanche's face before it morphed into a thinly veiled embarrassment as he realized he was still posing. He regained his composure and dropped his arms before adopting a saccharine scowl while he took note of who his opponent was. "Him, really?" Avalanche thought. He had heard of the eccentric newbie wrestler but he hadn't expected to see him in the ring so soon.

"Nice of you to finally join us" Avalanche snarled in an intentionally showy manner. The bat only gave a slight head tilt in response. Avalanche had to admit, the combination of appearing from nowhere, the eerie silence, and the bat's skull mask left him a little anxious. Vacío definitely had a solid gimmick going on.

El Vacío jumped down and stood in front of Avalanche. Avalanche observed his opponent as they began circling one another. First, he noticed his size. El Vacío was much smaller than him. There appeared to be about a 6 inch difference between the 6 foot boar and the bat. Next, he took note of Vacío's outfit. The bat wore a pair of white wrestling trunks over black tights with skeletal legs painted over them. Going up showcased his lithe yet still muscular frame. "He's going to be a fast one," Avalanche thought. His gaze finally reached that bat's mask. Or at least what he thought was a mask. The dark hollow holes where the wrestler's eyes should have been gave the impression that it could really be a skull. Betraying the bat's undead visage were the glimmers of purple light in his hollow eyes. "His costume designer must have had a field day with that mask," Avalanche surmised. Lastly, his eyes locked onto the wings on the bat's back. An unintentional snort escaped him. He hated fliers. They often made matches take forever. It would be nice if he could jump off a rope and catch them in the air, but his girth left him landlocked in matches. Their circular dance ended with both wrestlers adopting their own stances.. Avalanche, arms outstretched, was prepared to charge at Vacío as soon as the bell rang. It was a bit of a stereotype to be a charging boar but the crowd seemed to love it. Opposite of him Vacío stood still and straight with his head tilted at an unnatural and painful looking angle. "This has to be the strangest person I've met," Avalanche thought.

*ding*

*ding*

*ding*

The bell signaled the start of Avalanche's charge towards Vacío. On the verge of colliding, Vacío pivoted to the left and dodged the attack. Avalanche spun around to look at his opponent as he collided with the rope. The bat was already in motion, throwing a lightning fast kick at the boar's gut. It wasn't very effective. The kick rebounded off his stomach and left Vacío off balance. Seizing the opportunity, Avalanche grabbed Vacio's leg with an iron grip. He lifted the trapped bat into the air and marched towards the center of the ring. Vacìo didn't even attempt to escape, his body rigid and unmoving. Avalanche presented the bat to the crowd like a dad showing off a caught fish. Cheers were the reward for his big catch.

"Look at this little runt," Avalanche bellowed. "Show's up late and he doesn't even last a minute!" The crowd boos at the bat. "For being a bat he does an awfully good job at playing Oposs-" a kick to the head stunned him out of his sentence. Two other kicks followed causing him to loosen his grip. The fourth kick almost set the bat free. Before a fifth kick could reach Avalanche, he tightened his grip and flung Vacío in the ground. The force of the slam caused the bat to bounce back into the air. Avalanche used this opportunity to send him plummeting to the ground again with a forceful elbow to the gut. Knowing his opponent would be out of commission, Avalanche took the opportunity to flaunt to the crowd. He gestured for the crowd to start cheering and was met with a deafening boom of excitement. He looked down at his opponent, raised his arm, tapped his elbow twice, and performed an elbow drop with the full force of his body. During his descent on Vacío he thought his vision went black. Except it wasn't his vision, the lights had gone out. By the time they were back on his elbow had impacted the floor of the ring with a loud slam. Vacío had vanished in the darkness. A wildfire of gasps spread through the crowd. Avalanche pushed himself up and did a quick 360 to look around the ring. The bat was nowhere to be found. In the corner of his eye he noticed something strange, instead of watching him the crowd was looking up. He directed his upward and spotted the bat hanging upside down on the rafters of the arena. The lights went out again. They came back just in time for Avalanche to see Vacío's foot as it slammed into his head with a sickening crunch. The throbbing pain caused the boar to stagger. Vacío used Avalanche's moment of weakness to spring an additional attack. Vacio jumped onto the boar's face and wrapped his thighs around his head. Vacío then threw his upper body back. The force of the motion caused the boar to lose his balance and tumble forward. The ring shook and a loud boom erupted from Avalanche's crash site. The fall left him gasping for breath as the air was evicted from his lungs. Vacío stood above the temporarily helpless boar and put a foot on his chest as a sign of dominance. He then leaned his head closer to the boar and made a throat slitting gesture across his neck. "This guy is a total freak," Avalanche thought. The lights flickered again and Vacío was gone. A second later the flickering repeated and the boar was greeted with an elbow drop inches from his face. Avalanche rolled and avoided the move by a fraction of a second. He got to his feet before the lights started flickering again. Every flicker resulted in a new attack from a different angle at impossible speeds. Avalanche tried moving in the dark to use Vacío's own gimmick against him but his accuracy with every blow remained flawless. "Of course the bat wrestler would use echolocation in the ring!" He screamed internally. A punch to the head, a knee to the gut, a kick in the side, the barrage of blows were wearing Avalanche down and there was nothing he could do about it. Usually he would solve his issues in the ring with his strong body and brute force but this challenge wasn't one he could overcome with muscles alone. He needed to think laterally.

A strike to the back of Avalanche's leg brought him down to one knee. Screams from the crowd filled the room as it appeared to be the end for Avalanche. Avalanche thought the same until he felt a gust of wind rush past his face. "He missed?" Avalanche questioned. Another strike came for the boar but it only grazed him. Avalanche used the opening created by the bat's blunders to force himself to stand up causing an uproar of excitement from the crowd. The bat missed him again, it was like he was fighting a completely different person. "Is he throwing the match?" Avalanche thought. "No, that makes no sense, it must be something else." A smirk painted his face as he experienced a eureka moment. "Sound! The bat can't echolocate when there's too much sound." His theory was proven correct as Vacío missed several more blows. Avalanche decided his best plan would be to rile up the crowd even more to make his opponent's tactic completely useless. "Look at the tiny bat," Avalanche shouted. "He shows up late to a match, acts like a jobber, and then pulls out this gimmick as soon as he starts losing? Are we going to respect that here?" The crowd boos in response. "Now who's going to put this pathetic little runt in his place?" "Avalanche!" The crowd cheered.

"I can't hear you!"

"AVALANCHE AVALANCHE AVALANCHE!."

With the cover of noise, Avalanche was ready to make his next move. He waited until he caught a glimpse of the bat and charged as soon as the lights went out. The two bodies connected in the darkness and fell to the ground. When the lights came back on, Vacío was pinned under Avalanche's massive frame with no chance to escape. Wanting to make sure the bat had no fight left before the pin, Avalanche grabbed Vacío by the neck and rose from the ground. He lifted Vacío as high as possible before slamming him into the ground causing the ring to shake. Avalanche looked down at his subdued opponent. The lights in Vacío's eyes had dimmed leaving only empty voids behind. He noticed a crack going across the right eye hole and wondered if that had been there before. "Oh shit," Avalanche thought. "Maybe I was a bit too rough. Assuming the bat had a concussion he decided it was best to end the match now with a pin. The boar plopped himself on the bat's chest and held his arms down. It was an unconventional pinning style but it got the job done. Avalanche looked into Vacío's eyes as the countdown started.

"One!"

Closer examination of the eyes revealed that even up close they appeared hollow, like an actual skull.

"Two!"

"I need to tell my agent never let me get put against this guy again." He thought to himself. "He’s one zip code shy of crazyville."

At the start of three Vacío's eyes reignited with a blazing red hue. The sudden display startled Avalanche causing him to loosen his grip on the bat. Vacío used the moment of weakness to break himself out of the boar’s grip and make an attack of opportunity. The bat raked his claws against the boar’s left eye, cutting through the mask and into his skin. Avalanche reacted to the white hot pain by backing away from the bat and raising a hand to protect his eye. Upon contact with the eye he felt a sickening wetness. He watched in horror with his uninjured eye as the bat contorted his body into an uncanny backwards spider position before performing a backwards handspring onto his feet. Avalanche took the opportunity to get to his feet as well, albeit less gracefully. "I got matched with an actual psychopath," Avalanche muttered. With a flicker of the lights Vacío appeared on the top turnbuckle. Knowing another kick was likely, Avalanche raised his hands to intercept the bat's foot on the next flicker. Just as he expected, the bat's foot was just within grabbing distance as the lights came back on. Avalanche lunged for the grapple and managed to grab the bat’s leg with his bloody hand. In retaliation, Vacio flapped his wings and spun forward; the sudden upward force allowed his foot to slip out of the boar’s grasp.  The added momentum of the spin added power to the kick as the bat’s heel smashed into the back Avalanche’s head with a bone breaking crunch. The boar stood dazed for several seconds before losing the fight to stay conscious. A thunderous boom followed by a tremor emitted from the ring as Avalanche’s body hit the floor. His lights had gone out for the last time. Vacío stood triumphantly over the boar, for he was the victor.

[ajgrey9647]

i'm not letting you sleep on the floor + boom! comics mmpr; Bulk (I am not choosy about which version)

Nothing's What It Appears

The proof is in the pudding, as they say, and when push came to shove, when all the chips were down, Bulk discovered his true greatness. Though others often treated him as ‘stupid’ and ‘lazy’ and ‘obnoxious’, he was anything but those degrading adjectives. In retrospect, his atrocious behavior and commentary did nothing to persuade otherwise.

He could see that now, when such matters were the last thing on anyone’s mind.

Bulk always aspired to greatness or fame or heroism as if they were his birthrights. He wanted to be noticed, to stand out, to be special. Which he’d succeeded in doing, just not the way he envisioned in his fantasies. The bully often stared out the windows in the wide blue yonder, his brain galivanting off on magical quests where he, and he alone, was able to slay the monsters, rescue the fair damsel, and return to a parade of accolades and admiration.

His grades certainly suffered for it, though in actuality, Bulk was quite intelligent. He loved history even if he couldn’t say such a statement out loud. His friends would tease him mercilessly for being ‘nerdy’. Oddly enough, not one would dare make a pithy comment regarding the teen’s larger frame as they might a less terrifying individual.

That was one thing that Farkas was secretly ashamed of, his weight having been a touchy subject most of his life. As a child, he’d always carried a little more ‘cushioning’ as his mom called it and there was not a thing wrong with a squishy, pinchable little boy. His grandmother, when she came to visit on holidays, typically Thanksgiving and Christmas, when one was SUPPOSED to enjoy the abundance of delicious food, would look at her grandson and just shake her head.

“Mae, that child needs to go on a diet! He’s almost as big as a house!” she’d scold, while Bulk sat awkwardly at the table, dinner plate waiting before him. “How’s he ever supposed to…”

The pair would argue loudly, garnering the attention of everyone else present and the embarrassed Farkas would feel their eyes looking at him with disgust before surveying the contents and the amounts on his plate with judgement.

Even if he was absolutely starving, Bulk’s appetite would fly the coop and he’d quietly excuse himself from the table only to disappear to his room to sob in secret.

To his mother, food was love and sure, he loved to eat the food she prepared.

“Just for you, sweetie!” she’d coo.

The growing weight only exacerbated his insecurities, the type that most everyone suffered from in childhood. Even then, Bulk would spend hours pouring over his collection of comics, along with Skull, who couldn’t afford such frivolities. Spiderman, Batman, the Flash, Iron Man, the Hulk… all sporting ripped abs and mountainous biceps.

‘Whoever heard of a fat superhero,’ Farkas glumly realized. ‘There’s no super cool suit to wear unless you’re built like a Greek statue…’

Skull would gamely pat his hand, at such times leaving his cheeky observations and wit on the back burner. He truly meant what he told Bulk and he meant it with reverence as someone of his particular build could be snapped like a twig.

“Don’t worry, Bulky! If any bad guys tried to take over, you’d could just sit on them! Smash ‘em into the dirt!”

That wasn’t the fighting style of his daydreams… and was certainly never depicted in the comics. Or movies.

Just cartoons and just for making fun of a character.

It was bullshit…

He was tired of being referred to as ‘fat ass’, husky, stout, ‘pig’ and a variety of other wounding descriptors.

Perhaps he just wasn’t cut out to be a hero. Maybe he didn’t deserve to stand out or be special…

When Tommy transferred to Angel Grove High, Bulk had attempted to assert his authority and put the surly teen in his place from the jump. Of course, that went over like a brick wall with the new student unleashing a torrent of curses and insults, may of which the bully had never even heard before.

“If you get in my face again, you fat tub of shit, I swear to all fuck that I will butcher you like they do pigs at market,” Oliver whispered, voice eerily growing calm and his eyes pooling creepy flood of black where Bulk had been sure they’d been hazel.

And this was all way before he’d gotten any possessed coin.

The fucking dick only continue to grow worse, a hateful, spiteful, unfeeling demon masquerading as human. Eventually, he’d sunk his fangs gums deep in Jason and his little cluster of dorks. Bulk thought the group of friends to be annoying and enjoyed pestering them, but this shit was off the charts.

Skull was sure that Tommy was a serial killer or would eventually become one, explaining to Bulk and their assorted crew that the other teen was seriously messed up in the head.

“Oliver’s the type to keep his victims locked in his basement until he tires of them,” Eugene whispered, glancing over as said teen stood at his locker, back to them. “And keep body parts as souvenirs. Stay the fuck away from him!”

The Skullovitch’s lived in the same neighborhood as the Oliver’s and the lanky teen shared with his best all the wild, crazy shit that went on over at their house: the abusive, loud alcoholic father, screeching, slutty looking mother, and Tommy giving as good as he got at times and at others blankly giving in to his punishments.

Every goddamn day it was something with that prick though…

Usually, Tommy would be swinging fists and brawling with Jason up and down the hall or he’d decide it was Zack’s turn to be his punching bag. Bulk was sure he was behind the rumor that Kimberly had been seen sucking Jason’s dick in the locker room at the Youth Center, landing both teens in the counselor’s office. He’d heard from Sharkie that Tommy had even tried to plant drugs in their lockers, but fortunately hadn’t been successful.

Even Matthew Cook tried to step in and intervene between this dervish and the other teens and ended up with a black eye, split lip, and a detention to show for it.

Bulk wished he were brave enough to throw Oliver into a locker, toss him in a trash can where he belonged. That was his new fantasy, throwing himself between that asshole and Jase and his pals. He’d bloody Tommy’s face and force him to apologize for his bullshit in front of everyone!

Oh, how he wished!

Then the day came that Skull, scrawny, boney-butt Skull, went one on one with the Green Ranger, saving the Blue Ranger from certain death by shoving the evil monster from the second floor of the mall. It had all been caught on tape and was played on the news for weeks.

Bulk crowed from the rooftops how proud he was of his best friend, and he truly was. He just wished he’d been there, been brave enough to do such a dumbass thing. Skull didn’t seem to like the attention all that much and shied away from the spotlight, something Farkas couldn’t understand.

But little did he know he’d get his chance to be a hero. He’d get more than one as would Eugene…

The time came when he and Skull saved Jason from Tommy’s punk-ass sneak attack at the Youth Center. Sure, they hadn’t went toe to toe with the nutty fuck, but he hadn’t gotten to Jase and that’s what mattered. The dark-haired teen wouldn’t discuss why he and Oliver were at odds and seemed shaken up that he’d been lying in wait for him.

However, it seemed that for no apparent reason Tommy eventually turned his wrath on Skull. And that was just not going down on Bulk’s watch.

Eugene had seemed more distant than usual, though he denied anything was amiss. Farkas had no way of knowing that the smaller boy had discovered the Rangers’ identities and had started a budding relationship with Billy, the Blue Ranger. Of course, Skull wanted to spend more and more time with his boyfriend, the pair meeting in secret and enjoying something that was just theirs.

That all changed when he discovered the bruise to Skull’s shoulder, left when Tommy paid him a visit, viciously shoving the smaller teen down in his own bedroom.

“Where the hell you’d get that battle wound, Ranger Rescuer,” Bulk teased, pointing to the dusky purple marring the pale skin.

“Ehhh… I dunno. Don’t remember.”

He was obviously lying, his grey eyes looking everywhere but his friend’s face. They were sitting in the lunchroom at school, the loud laughing and razzing of other students had nearly drowned out Skull’s lackluster response.

“Bullshit, buddy! Who hurt you? Cause I’m gonna beat the brakes off ‘em!”

“I don’t want to talk about it, Bulky. I’m fine! Can we just drop it?” Eugene whimpered.

But Bulk caught Skull glancing in Oliver’s direction, the venomous asshole seated at a table on the far side of the room, alone of course.

“It was him, wasn’t it! He hurt you! What the fuck is his problem?”

Pushing back from the table, he was on fire now. Skull scrambled to grab Bulk’s leather jacket, trying to pull him back down, pleading for him not to go over there, it wasn’t fucking worth it!

“Nah, this shit has gone on long enough! He’s never putting hands on you again, Skull!”

But before he could make his way over to where Tommy sat, the long-haired teen, with no apparent reason or trigger, shoved away from his lunch, darted across the lunchroom, and began pummeling Jason, grabbing him from behind by his hair and yanking him backward off his stool. Jase hit the floor hard and his head bounced off the tile, leaving a bright red streak to Bulk’s horror.

Laying there, Jason could only attempt defensive techniques as Zack, Billy, Trini, and Kimberly ran around to jump on Tommy’s back.

Then here came Bulk, like a charging bull, steaming issuing from his nostrils as he too grabbed a handful of hair, twisting Tommy’s head and neck painfully and pulling hard. Long strands came away with a sickening ripping sound and the green clad teen shrieked in fury, hands going to his scalp and abandoning Jason’s blood-covered face.

The whole lunchroom erupted, some students screaming in fear, others cheering and whooping at Oliver finally getting a come-uppance. It took several teachers and Mr. Kaplan to put an end to the wild free-for-all and it didn’t escape their notice that ALL the blows were directed at Tommy. Of course, fighting was an automatic detention for everyone involved no matter their role.

Jason ended up going to the nurse’s office and from there his worried and angry parents picked him up and took him to the emergency room to get checked out. Tommy’s parents never even answered their phone, not for the school nor the Scotts, who were discussing pressing charges and getting protective orders.

Not that they had enough time for everything to progress at all.

A short time later, Jason destroyed the Sword of Darkness, Tommy made his vile decision, and monsters roamed the earth in numbers the Rangers were unable to manage. The city nearly emptied, as citizens fled in terror. But things got much, much worse….

Just when they thought they were turning a corner, close to gaining the upper hand, they were brutally disappointed, shocked into near catatonic states at the sight of a bloody, shattered red Tyranno helmet and the hateful asshole bedecked in new colors.

Bulk had been there that day, trying his best to gather everyone he could find, to get them somewhere safe. Skull was at his shoulder, his nimble frame crawling into crumbling buildings and nearly smashed flat vehicles, searching for survivors.  Trying to find a place to go, they’d ended up with ringside seats to Ascension Day (Ass-cention Day as Skull dubbed it later). Clearly, they’d taken a wrong turn.

“Rangers!” a voice boomed. “Take a look at what’s become of your precious leader!”

Holding the helmet before them, the others stared in disbelief, unable to defend themselves from a barrage of blows and strikes.

“Geez o’fuck, Bulky! Whoever that is killed the Red Ranger! We’re screwed!”

Bulk didn’t answer, watching this newest Ranger twirl as if on a runway in Milan. That voice was familiar.

“I know that voice, Skull!”

Now the floodgates opened. It didn’t matter anymore…

“It’s fucking Oliver, Bulk! That fucking dick motherfucker was the Green Ranger and now he’s… I don’t even fucking know! But Jason’s dead!” he screamed in anguish.

Neither teen nor anyone else noticed the group of putties carrying a severely injured, unconscious Jason Scott into a large transportation pod. It would be decades before the truth was revealed.

Once the dust had settled and he’d assured himself that all the people in his charge had been properly assessed and fed, did Bulk consider thinking about caring for his own needs. His grimy, tattered shirt clung to the sweat-sticky skin of his back, making him itch, and his was streaked with dark, sooty smudges. Mentally and physically he was drained.

Leaning against the wall in a darkened corridor, illuminated only by a small flashlight, Bulk finally allowed himself to cry. The tears tracked in smeary trickles down his full cheeks and hung suspended from lips and chin.

‘This can’t be happening. It can’t be real!’

The remaining Rangers were nestled in his care, carefully tucked into cots in a large conference room of the abandoned facility. They rarely spoke or even responded, so shocked and traumatized by the unexpected turn of events that they merely behaved like dolls or small frightened toddlers.

Besides Kimberly, who spit fire and venom, all the while still sobbing, threats and curses and promises of vengeance filling the air until she’d finally fallen into an exhausted slumber.

How could he have known the Power Rangers were so close? It all made sense now. Oliver’s vicious and unpredictable temperament, the other teens’ frequent disappearances, and unexplained injuries of the past. No wonder Tommy had been obsessing over Jason; the Green Ranger was out to murder the Red…

During the dangerous trek to safety, Skull confessed every damn thing and pleaded forgiveness. To which Bulk replied that was silly, of course he wasn’t angry or going to hold it against him. None of that meant jack-shit now. And his relationship with Billy wasn’t all that surprising, considering all the clues he’d glossed over in ignorance.

Now, Jason was dead, the Rangers near catatonic and almost without all the power coins, and that fucking dick bitch was hunting them down. How the fuck were they going to avoid him forever? There was no way!

“But he’s not getting the others, not no way, not no how! Or Eugene… He’ll have to go through me!” he hissed through his muffled cries.

‘Like that will be hard for him, doofus! He has two fucking coins and he took Jason out! How are you even the slightest threat to this ‘Lord Drakkon’?’

But he was determined to try.

Footsteps echoing down the hall caught his attention and he quickly ran his hands over his reddened, tear covered face, not caring that the darkness would hide most of the evidence.

“You alright, Bulky?”

Skull gingerly moved toward him, his flashlight bobbing as he walked.

“Why are you hiding out down here?”

Farkas sighed and sucked back a deluge of snot. His friend waited patiently, knowing the other teen needed time to process his scattered thoughts.

“Well, Skull, compared to everyone else, I’m fine. I got lucky, just a few minor cuts and bumps,” he grunted, pulling himself off the wall. “I just needed a minute to think. Like its going to make a damn bit of difference.”

“It might.”

“How? How is it going to change anything that’s happened?” Bulk suddenly yelled, unable to stifle his emotions any longer.

Skull spread his arms, the beam from the flashlight wildly arcing along the paint chipped walls.

“I’ll tell you how, buddy! It might make a difference for them,” he argued, pointing back along the hall towards where the survivors hunkered down. “So far, no one else has had grand ideas or has been capable of making a decision about one goddamn thing! Only you!”

The blonde hung his head as he listened to Eugene’s rant.

“Even the Rangers can’t do any of that right now! YOU gathered all of us, YOU got us around Fuckwad’s goons, YOU decided where we needed to get to and got us here, YOU even triaged and treated injuries, YOU cooked a massive meal, YOU, YOU, YOU!”

Wanting to shake the larger teen in annoyance, Skull hissed through clenched teeth.

“You are so BRAVE!”

At that, Bulk’s cheeks colored for a different reason.

“You really think I’m brave, Skully?” he whispered. “I’m no superhero, I don’t have special powers. I’m just a fat, loud-mouthed, smart-ass punk…”

“All that shit doesn’t matter to a hill of beans! Powers and secret identities and superheroes! Look what happened to our friends, the Rangers!” His voice dropped lest it carry back to the demoralized teens.

“Drakkon TOOK their special powers, he KILLED Jason, the goddamn Red fucking Power Ranger! He’s evil and crazy and he’s not going to stop until he gets all the other Rangers too! We’ve gotta be crazier and smarter than him, Bulk! Or we are all FUCKED!” Skull yelled, gripping Bulk’s shoulders now.

“We NEED someone like you, we’re counting on you!” he continued. “So, let’s go lick our wounds in private, then you and I will work together to get everyone as far from that psycho as possible.”

Stepping back, he noted the slumped shoulders and weary features just visible under the flashlight’s glow.

“But first, you have to get some rest, Bulk, or you’re gonna fall right over,” he decided. “Come on, this way.”

Taking his friend’s elbow, Eugene led the way to another room off the corridor. There was a bed with a small side table, a chest of drawers, and a hospital-style curtain divider.

“This is the last bed open and you’re taking it, pal.”

Bulk blinked, his green eyes scratchy with exhaustion and strain.

“What about you, Skull? I’m not letting you sleep on the floor!”

“Who said I was going to sleep?” Eugene asked, though it wasn’t a question. “Someone’s going to need to keep watch. I’ll grab my 40 winks later. Now get your ass in that bed and don’t sass me.”

“Alright, mom..” Bulk deadpanned, too tired to argue further.

Skull was right. About a lot of things really. And that wasn’t something he could normally claim as fact. Clearly the ramifications of Lord Drakkon’s birth and possession of not one, but two coins tied to this mysterious ‘Grid’ Skull described from he remembered of Billy’s explanation, were going to be vast and far reaching. He couldn’t verbalize it accurately, but Bulk could feel the very atmosphere, the ground beneath his feet, the air circulating the blue and green ball of mud, were twisting and writhing as if in death throes, gasping and grunting as all faded to nothingness.

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

It turns out that the She-Hulk-review side of YouTube is infinitely more entertaining than She-Hulk itself.

When the atheist movement arose in the late 2000s/early 2010s, interesting secular thinkers emerged, able to critique religious belief and destroy religious arguments - Hitch, Harris, Dawkins for starters, but certainly many more.

When modern Wokeness arose in the last few years, interesting liberal thinkers emerged, rebutting toxic Woke ideas with liberal ethics and values - Pluckrose, McWhorter, Hughes, Doyle, Murray, among many others you may never have heard of or from if this cultural war crime had not been perpetrated in the first place.

With this in mind, the silver lining of dreadful shit like She-Hulk is that interesting critics of narrative and storytelling emerge. Among these, you’ll struggle to actually find anyone espousing the inevitable strawman claims of bigotry.

Case in point: The Little Platoon, in an articulate review that combines mockery with compelling arguments regarding the show’s copious narrative and character deficiencies, pointlessness, pettiness, privilege and disrespect for the entire MCU itself all the way back to the beginning and Iron Man, a show seemingly written by the writers for the writers. A review delivered in a buttery smooth English accent, it has so much to say that at 40 minutes, it exceeds the length of the actual episode.

The channel similarly delves into critiques of other shows, including Star Trek: Discovery and Hawkeye with equal aplomb.

--

... The vast majority of feminist comedians of the type who've written She-Hulk do not have real lives and serious thoughts and concerns and opinions because they are comfortably upper middle-class suburbanites whose stories are incredibly dull and who have gained many more advantages from their sex than they have suffered hardships

Which broadly maps the decline of modern feminism from something daring, intelligent and genuinely transgressive and philosophical to a movement of well-paid thoughtless media stars whose ideal of social strife is petty and vindictive and minuscule. An attempt to feminize common complaints about behavior and etiquette, for example, like being patronized, which is one of those things women really are very good at themselves, as though this is some great transgression by men against the fairer sex that betrays men's brutish and universal pig ignorance at the expense of the poor long-suffering mega-rich female class of so-called entertainers.

None of this matters. None of this means anything. None of this is a serious issue. It doesn't even rise to the level of sexism. Again, women are just as impolite and patronizing and egotistical as men. None of it is radical or thoughtful, it is just petty vindictive pointless and uninteresting, and more often than not it's plain wrong. See every argument ever made about the pay gap, for example.

Had She-Hulk been written by, say, a working-class woman or an aging wife with a fat boozing husband, its jokes would have been: a) more cutting b) more sympathetic c) more ironic, and d) funnier

But instead it was written by professional singletons with excruciatingly well-paid jobs who would rather gripe about the partner of their law firm making more than his female secretary - such a pressing and universal concern - than about the actual and real plight and experiences of most women.

Like for example, the fact that secretary could well be on a six-figure salary while a woman in an ex-mining town in the American midwest who has suffered real hardship is presently trying to live on less than the minimum wage.

Now of course, the premise makes all this quite difficult. She-Hulk after all follows Jennifer Walters, who is in fact a lawyer. The milieu in which she mixes is the same as that of the show's writers. But the fact they haven't found anything more interesting and universal to do with the story betrays a complete lack of imagination.

You can, after all, bring the rich down. See Bruce Wayne. You can cross class divides. You can universalize the particular and tell a meaningful story

But the writers here have seen nothing more than an opportunity to put their own superficial gripes with luxury on the screen with a big budget - and some truly questionable CGI - and in the MCU, shoehorning this tawdry irrelevance into a universe they had no hand in creating, in the story of which they have no interest whatever.

The question I had since the series was announced was, who is this for?

And the answer is pretty clear from th eoff it's not for me and it's probably not for you either, and it's not for anyone less materially comfortable than, say, Sarah Silverman.

Rather, this show is for its writers and it's for their exclusive social set and it's for their fashionable friends.

She-Hulk is the self-insert par excellence. A bafflingly particular and insufferably smug story for a small number of middle-class professional women who otherwise don't care about comics or the MCU and who have no real need or desire to laugh.

What they want is social affirmation. And this is a massive problem for a comics-based show that is, well supposedly at least, a comedy.

[...]

... a quick final word before we close. We have, I hope, had some fun with this show. We've had a few laughs, we've told a few jokes - what a shocking idea about a comedy, i know.

Besides that being enjoyable in its own right, it is really the only approach to take with a show that is just so bad you have to laugh or else you'd probably have to cry or at least to rage.

But there is a serious point to be made. Inevitably, the first simping morons have begun to pass any and all criticism of this show as being motivated by sexism and misogyny. They draw links between the reactions to female leads and most recent MCU entries - She-Hulk, One Division, Multiverse of Madness, Love and Thunder, Captain Marvel - and they say, look the fandom menace hates all these women and they don't criticize their male heroes in the same way, therefore they must be chauvinistic bigots.

Now this, of course, as you and I know is utter horseshit. The fact so many recent entries have objectionable female leads has nothing to do with the sex or gender of those leads, and everything to do with how they are written.

If you want female heroes to be appreciated in the same way as male heroes have been, you have to write female leads as competently as the male heroes were once written.

You need to give them real stories, real struggles, depth, strife, flaws. You need to treat them as characters that deserve to exist in their own right, and not just as props that you need to exist in order for you to peddle your pet socio-political gripes and issues.

If you want people to like your female hero, a good start might be don't write her to be a complete bitch.

Don't pretend that catcalling is morally equivalent as a crime to wiping out half the fucking universe.

Don't pretend that being "mansplained" to is an issue even worthy of consideration at all, never mind pretend it represents a character-defining struggle along the lines of Tony Stark's sacrifice, Bruce Banner's trauma, and Captain America's sense of duty and purpose.

It isn't the audience's fault if you're writing awful female characters, it's your fault, you scribbling hacks.

The stories you tell and the characters you put them in do a disservice to the existing audience.

For a show that complains about misogyny, I really cannot think of a better way to create misogynists than by showing young men She-Hulk. Because if your moral paragon is a shallow, self-centered, arrogant, egotistical, man-hating super slag, then your message is that all men are either bastards or complicit in bastardly behavior, well, how the hell do you expect your male audience to react to that?

Like the bible reliably producing atheists, modern feminist writers create the very thing they rail against.

But also, and to go back to the point raised near the beginning, it does a disservice to your female audience, to the people you pretend to represent. Men and women, real people, are infinitely more complex, nuanced, funny, cheerful, ironic, confused, liberated, oppressed, stoic, emotional, bold and afraid than the characters you are creating to represent them.

To reduce women to fear and anger, to a fragile species that can't handle even minor social transgressions and impoliteness is to infantilize the woman you claim you're championing.

So it's not just men who are, and who should be, depressed and angered by shows like She-Hulk. It's women who've actually led difficult lives, real lives, and who have real world experience.

Women who aren't privileged enough to earn hundreds of thousands of dollars and live in swanky apartments holding down liberal arts mages and careers in the city and the media.

Men are let down by your hatred of them, of course, but women are let down by your hubris in pretending you can speak for them.

There is far more that separates the writers of She-Hulk from the experiences of most women than there is that separates most women from most men.

[such-justice-wow]

Oh on god when I saw the first reviews of She-Hulk saying it was all ‘female emotional and that allow her to be superior to Hulk!!’ I thought it was that stupid edgy/anti-woke YouTube shit that’s been going around but now, she really fucking flat out says, ‘If I get too emotional I might get murdered in the street so I’m better at managing emotion as the Hulk’ and it’s supposed to be empowering to women and not grossly infantilising

Yeahhh like seriously enough of this the totality of the female experience is suffering

Also like... Actually say somethings that happened to HER not in general. Build some fucking character instead of regurgitating these same points.

We see one male colleague be a dick to her and say she shouldn't present the closing argument in the case. Maybe imply there's something more there??? Why is it vague?? If they're having this emotional scene let her have her own specific experiences and feelings. They're not even specific to be job just to being a woman.

[feral-witch-hat]

Turning Green A.U Pt.1

Hey y’all! It’s been a hot minute, sorry about that. I thought I would return baring goblins! Because I am literally obsessed with these characters! 

I wanted to change some things about the Turning Green A.U, just some small things that don’t totally align with Turning Red, but hey, that’s the fun part about A.U’s, they can be whatever you want them to be, right?? 

Anyway, let’s get into the changes!

******

- As in my previous post, instead of a blessing like in Turning Red, it’s a flat out curse. Which was casted on an ancestor of the Osborn line. What this ancestor did exactly to get every male descendent in his bloodline cursed is a bit lost to history. What has been kept and known is that he apparently had some sort of deal with a witch, which ended up in being cursed with transforming into a huge winged goblin. How it resulted in this was what was lost.

- Also I wanted to change one other thing, depending on the version, or just personal preference, they don’t always change into giant winged goblins like into the spider-verse. The change could be a lot more simple, say, TSSM Norman physically turning into the green goblin of that show, maybe just add a tail or fangs to make it seem less like a costume. Again, this part is up to personal preference, but just to make things less confusing, for this post I’m talking about the Osborn’s turning into large Goblin’s similar to spider-verse, though much smaller, like the size of maybe the Hulk, how he’s portrayed in modern media like the MCU.

- Now back to our regularly scheduled A.U!

- So yeah, this happens to all the male members of the Osborn family, and the curse is actually present throughout their lives, right from birth. Well, sorta.

- When a male heir is born, they actually turn into Goblin’s when they are a newborn baby, to when they reach around age 3 to 6, and then it stops for a while until they reach age 16. 

- When their babies, they don’t turn into the giant monsters, no, instead they turn into a more babyish, smaller form, something you would expect. And this happens if they are ever too grumpy or frustrated, which babies and toddlers tend to be a lot. 

- This is how Emily found out.

- By a miraculous miracle, Norman had managed to keep his cool around Emily, so she had no idea about his goblin. On the off chances he would need to cool down, he would excuse himself and let his goblin out for a bit and then return right after. 

- Now, Norman knows about the weird stages of the curse, how you have it when your a baby, loose it, and then start changing again when your 16. So because of this, Norman decided from a very young age and till now, he didn’t want any children. 

- This was not entirely true however, he did want kids. But for the sake of the child, god forbid it be a boy, and for also wanting the curse to not get passed down any more, and not suffer what he had to suffer as a child and through his life, as well as prevent Emily from finding out if it was a boy, he would die with the Osborn name and Goblin Curse. 

- Then he and Emily get married. And for the next three years everything is great, and Emily is none the wiser to the more ugly side of the Osborn’s. 

- That changes one morning after a more ‘passionate’ night between the couple.

- Emily suddenly shoots up and runs to the bathroom, puking heavily into a toilet much to a very concerned Norman. He rubs her back and as she clutches her stomach. And then, as he sees her clutch her stomach, he comes to a horrible realization. 

- She wasn’t... No. Nonononono, please God no.

- Norman quickly then stands up, excuses himself, and hurriedly gets dressed, running to the elevator and down to the garage. He doesn’t usually drive himself, but this was an emergency. He floors it to the nearest pharmacy and rushes inside, grabbing a pregnancy test and throwing way too much money at the clerk and then running back out. 

- Emily is sitting in the living room, confused at what just happened, and even more confused when the elevator doors open and her husband runs out, handing her the box of pregnancy test. He doesn’t say anything, but Emily can tell what he wants her to do. 

- She goes into the bathroom, and Norman waits outside in the living room tapping his foot nervously and breathing to try and keep his goblin at bay. He’s had years of practice of doing this, restraining his emotions and donning an always stern businessman look. Except when he was with Emily, because then he could let just teensie bit of that control shed and be able to love his wife the way she deserved.

- The door to the bathroom opens and Emily steps out. She has a blank look on her face at first. Tears then fill her eyes and she smiles, a smile so filled with hope and joy that it was blinding. She runs up to Norman and hugs him tightly, as her arms encircle his neck he can see the positive pregnancy test in her hand.

[legion1227]

Echo: TV series Review.

There is hope for the future of street-level MCU shows and movies.

Released rather recently on January 9th, Echo is the latest entry in the Marvel Cinematic Universe yet. Alaqua Cox plays Maya Lopez, or Echo as she's known in the comics, whose character was introduced first in the Hawkeye TV series. Adopted into the crime family of The Kingpin in her youth, Wilson Fisk, played by Vincent D'Onofrio, Maya is pursued by Fisk and his men as she returns to her Native American roots while returning to her hometown in Oklahoma.

Without a doubt, Cox as Maya and D'Onofrio's Kingpin are the best performances in this more grounded superhero outing. As the character herself is also deaf, it's worth praising that those at Marvel managed to find an actual Native American deaf actress to portray the character of the same background and representation who ALSO gives a stellar performance. Cox was entertaining in her small role in the Hawkeye show, but as she's given the leading role, I find that the struggle Maya harbors between her criminal life in New York with Fisk and the simplistic lifestyle with her friends and relatives in Oklahoma could not be presented any better than anyone besides Alaqua Cox. Opposite to her, D'Onofrio is an excellent foil. D'Onofrio as Kingpin is up there with RDJ as Iron Man or Tom Hiddleston as Loki, among few others, as the perfect candidate to take up the mantle of an immaculate comic book character. D'Onofrio's performance in the Daredevil series helped cement that series as one of the best Marvel series of all time, and his presence helps elevate the series here. As the Kingpin appears on screen, his gravitas and presence are felt, feeling intimidating as his hulking mass towers above Maya and others. Whether working off of one another or with other characters, these two characters are definitively the strongest in fighting ability and character depth.

Unfortunately, I wish I could say the same for the rest of the cast. Maya's friends and family round off the rest of the supporting cast, and while they're mostly likable, they're largely forgettable. There's some heart to the moments where Maya gets personal with family members, reflecting on the past or figuring out what to do with the situation with Fisk, but the archetypes of Maya's cousins, Bonnie or Biscuits, feel too generic. They provide assistance to their cousin and try to wit quirky lines, but they fail to garner real interest or depth. I feel this is in part due to its short length. With only 5 episodes to cram as much story as it can with Maya and the Kingping, pacing and character development suffer immensely. Surely another episode or 3 would help develop characters into a more engaging and memorable cast or strengthen the depth of the complex relationship between the Kingpin and his adopted niece.

Still, it's a pretty good show. As stated, Maya and Kingpin are the most fascinating characters the show has to offer, which may be enough to check out alone. The fight scenes are also decent enough, though really compelling in some episodes like the first, which feel reminiscent of the Daredevil series. If the series was longer, the pacing was better and the supporting cast was more intriguing, then the show could be even stronger, but as it is it's still definitely a really good show worth a watch. 3.5/5.

[thevindicativevordan]

those were great comic recommendations for a DCU beginner! happen to have a version for getting into Marvel?

Simultaneously harder and easier. Marvel's never rebooted so you can just start from the very beginning... but that means starting off with comics written in the 60s which might not be to everyone's taste, plus you'd have to work your way through decades of convoluted continuity to get to the present day. Restricting myself to the 616 universe I would recommend:

Spider-Man

Amazing Spider-Man by Lee/Dikto/Romita Sr. - Pondered for a while on whether or not to count the two separately, but honestly I think this reads better all together. Lee and Dikto tell you Spidey's origin and lay the foundations for Peter Parker, most of his iconic Rogues Gallery is introduced under Lee and Dikto including Doc Ock and Green Goblin. Much like how the early Golden Age Superman stories are worth checking out for how different Superman is character-wise, the early years Peter Parker is not at all the suffering saint most people think of. Peter becoming the figure we know him to be is a process that only begins with Ben's death, and it's not until Romita Sr. replaces Dikto that Spider-Man starts to settle into the character we recognize. Plus Romita Sr. is the one to introduce MJ, and thus his partnership with Lee is when the final cornerstones of Spider-Man are laid in my eyes.

Amazing Spider-Man by JMS - In many ways this run encompasses the whole of Spider-Man in one: Amazing storytelling peaks that will make you laugh and cry, yet also baffling valleys that will leave you wondering how the fuck Marvel ever thought this was fit to print. It's baby's first run for me and I've always loved it, warts and all. Fair warning this run has two of the worst Spider-Man stories of all time with Sins Past and One More Day, but it also has some of the best Peter/MJ interactions that will make you understand why people were so angry OMD broke them up, as well as the best characterization of Peter as an adult.

Spider-Man: Life Story by Chip Zdarsky - A great Spider-Man story that asks the question "what if the sliding timeline didn't exist and Peter actually aged in real time?" and answers it by telling one issue per decade of Spider-Man's life. Fantastic story with multiple twists that will surprise even fans who might think they know what's coming. Especially powerful is the ending which made me tear up the first time I read it, and likely will cause you to do the same. Not sure if they've put out a trade that includes the Annual Zdarsky did, but make sure to get that version if it does exist, Annual covers Jameson's arc throughout Peter's life. Zdarsky is one of the best JJJ writers and that Annual especially is a great companion piece to the main story.

Hulk

Hulk by PAD - Modern Hulk owes his existence to this run. Multiple Hulk alters which are a product of Bruce's multiple personality disorder, Hulk being cognizant instead of "savage caveman", and so forth all have their . Bear in mind this is a 12 year run on the character, inconceivably long by modern standards, so the quality varies. I really enjoyed the starting 2/3rds but the final stretch wasn't as good. Even so this is a run that obviously touches on and shapes every part of Hulk's world, from the main character himself to his supporting cast. Every Hulk fan should at least try it.

Planet Hulk by Greg Pak - Rest of Pak's run is worth checking out but this is the highlight. Basic gist is taking Hulk out of his comfort zone and putting him in a world where the aspects of the character that cause humans to be terrified of him instead cause the population to love him. To a world suffering under the tyranny of the Red King and the terror of the spikes, Hulk's rage and strength make him a symbol of hope. Interesting aspect of this story I want to highlight is that there's little to no Banner in this story, Hulk is basically in control for the whole ride. If Hulk as a gladiator and freedom fighter doesn't at least entice some interest out of you, capeshit probably isn't your thing.

Immortal Hulk by Al Ewing - Wrote a lot about this run already, so all I'll say here is that it's one of the greatest Marvel runs of all time, not just Hulk. If you're a fan of Hulk, horror, or just good writing in general, read this. Not only does it show Hulk's breadth and depth as a character, it's just damn good. Run also does a good job of teaching you about Hulk's history so if you like this run it will help point you in the direction of other Hulk stories you might enjoy.

Black Panther

Rise of the Black Panther by Evan Narcisse - Tells you the origin and titular rise of T'Challa on his journey towards becoming the always prepared hero we know him as. Simple and straightforward if a little rough around the edges.

Black Panther by Christopher Priest - This is the definitive Black Panther run. Priest took a character who had always had potential, but had just been used as a token, and turned him into Marvel's premiere badass on par with Batman. Format is incredibly 90s, the Dora look like Halle Berry instead of wearing the traditional Wakanda looks you'd expect from the MCU, but it's still a great run. You get to see T'Challa take on everyone from NYC thugs, to supervillains, to the Devil himself, and he always comes out on top. Only big drawback is that Priest wasn't sure a black main character would sell, so he used Agent Ross as a white audience stand-in which might be a turn off for those who want a book wholly focused on T'Challa. I personally found Ross amusing, he's basically Panther's Jimmy Olsen and regularly gets made the butt of constant jokes, but I wanted to give a heads up to anyone who didn't know about that aspect.

Black Panther by Reginald Hudlin - While Priest may have been the one to redefine T'Challa, Hudlin is the one who revamped Wakanda and the supporting cast. Shuri is introduced here, Wakanda having always been more advanced than the rest of the world is introduced here, T'Challa and Storm get married here, etc. If Priest isn't to your taste you may find Hudlin more enjoyable, and he writes a badass Panther as well.

Captain America

Captain America: Man Out of Time by Mark Waid - Updates Cap's origin story by having him awaken in the modern (90s) era. Straightforward but still good story of Cap struggling to adjust to life in the modern day while he also comes to grips with the reality of America vs. the idealized notions of his nation he once held.

Captain America by Ed Brubaker - The definitive Captain America run which served as the basis for the character in the MCU. Amazing mix of espionage and super heroics, Brubaker is my favorite writer for Steve and Red Skull, plus he's the one who made Bucky badass as hell by reintroducing him as the Winter Soldier. Steve, Sharon, Bucky, Red Skull, and the wider members of Cap's Mythos all have great showings here. If you're a fan of Captain America and want to read just one Cap run, this is the one you should read.

Captain America by Mark Gruenwald - Before Brubaker you could feasibly argue that Gruenwald was Cap's definitive writer. He spent a decade writing Cap and many of his stories would have a dramatic impact on the character. Gruenwald was the one who wrote Steve giving up the mantle of Captain America when the government tried to press him into being their stooge, and Gruenwald spends a lot of his run focusing on the personal toll Rogers code of ethics exacts on his life. If you want to see the origins of the Serpent Society and John Walker's tenure as Cap, this is well worth checking out.

Iron Man

Invincible Iron Man by Matt Fraction - Best modern run on Iron Man by far. Fraction does a good job trying to establish Tony as an A-Lister in the MU after the success of the MCU. Personally I really enjoyed Fraction's characterization of the Mandarin and his attempts to elevate Tony's Rogues Gallery (which was a mixed success).

Iron Man: Extremis by Warren Ellis - Right so Ellis is a shit apparently if you didn't already know that, fair warning if his actions are a deal-breaker for you. This is still one of the highest rated Iron Man stories however, a story that digs into the ethics of Tony's tech by pitting him against a domestic terrorist who has managed to upgrade himself with the titular Extremis.

Iron Man by David Michelinie & Bob Layton - Michelinie & Layton are probably still the definitive Iron Man writers in terms of how much of the Iron Mythos has it's beginnings in their time with the character. The duo had two runs, both of which left a permanent mark on the character. Their first run introduced many characters and concepts which you might have heard of. James Rhodes? Justin Hammer? The famous Demon in a Bottle and Doomquest storylines? All debuted here. Also this run updated Iron Man's origin by moving the events that turned Tony into Iron Man from Afghanistan to Vietnam (sadly leaving the origin in Afghanistan would've kept it from being dated and they eventually moved it back). Their second run contained another famous Iron Man story, Armor Wars where Tony tries to stop other people from abusing his technology. Overall while their time on the character isn't on the same level as other famous Marvel 80s runs, it's still worth checking out for Iron Man fans.

Fantastic Four

Fantastic Four by Lee/Kirby - What we think of as the "Marvel Universe" really began with this run, and this is still an entertaining read. Follow the adventures of the First Family as they deal with a variety of threats from the tyrannical Dr. Doom, to the omnipotent Galactus, to interfamily feuding.

Fantastic Four by Waid - If you don't want to start with Lee/Kirby because their style isn't to your taste than I think Waid works as an intro book too. He's got a good handle on the family dynamics, with each member of the family getting an arc that focuses on them.

Fantastic Four by Jonathan Hickman - My own personal favorite FF run. Hickman is one of the best Reed writers, and Reed is really the main character of this run. The Council of Reeds represent Reed's desire to "solve everything" and how that can go wrong, with the run emphasizing the importance of not losing sight of the people you're protecting. Franklin and Valeria, the children of Reed and Sue, also get a lot of focus here and this run is what made me love them as much as the titular four. Big high concept scifi mixed with heartrending family interactions is what defines the FF, and Hickman does that damn well. Dr. Doom is someone Hickman clearly loves and he writes him perfectly here, with the plotlines Doom's involved in helping to set up Hickman's Avengers run.

X-Men

X-Men: God Loves, Man Kills by Chris Claremont - Central to the X-Men's appeal is their struggle to protect a world that hates and fears them, with many drawing a connection to the Civil Rights movement. This story is one that goes hard on that connection, with a televangelist whipping up the nation into an anti-mutant frenzy that pushes the X-Men into allying with their greatest foe: Magneto.

New X-Men by Grant Morrison - This is the run that kicked off the modern X-Men era. Multiple other contemporary X-Men runs are written as a response to Morrison's time on the book, either rejecting their ideas (House of M) or attempting to continue what they set up (Whedon/Hickman). Here you'll see the Xavier Institute as an actual school for mutants, mutants as an allegory for the youth, mutants forming their own culture, and the crazy concepts you'd expect from Morrison. Cyclops taking his first steps towards being cool, Emma Frost becoming an X-Man, Cassandra Nova, Fantomex, the Stepford Cuckoos, Quintin Quire, so much of the Krakoan era is drawing on Morrison. If Claremont is too verbose for your taste, Morrison is my preferred entry point into the X-Men.

House of X/Powers of X by Jonathan Hickman - Since it's still relatively new and so many others have gone more in depth about these two books I'll keep it brief. If you've never cared about the X-Men you need to check this out because it completely flips the board over. If you're a huge X-Men fan you need to read this because it completely flips the board over while still rewarding those who have an encyclopedic knowledge of the X-Mythos. Hickman totally redefines the X-Men, their mission, their relationship with humanity, and the threats they face. Still hated, still feared, but no longer going high when others go low, this is mutants ascendant even as the threats stacked against them have never been greater.

Avengers

Avengers by Kurt Busiek - If you're interested in what pre-MCU Avengers was like, this is definitely the run to check out. You'll get to see the "classic" Avengers going up against a number of their greatest foes: Morgan Le Fay, Squadron Supreme, the Kree, Kang, and one of the most memorable Ultron stories ever.

Avengers/New Avengers by Brian Michael Bendis - This is where the modern Avengers was born. Bendis kicks things off by having Scarlet Witch murder multiple Avengers, shaking the team up to it's core. Eventually a New Avengers team is formed of Cap, Iron Man, Luke Cage, Spider-Man, Spider-Woman, Sentry, and Wolverine, with Bendis planting here many of the ideas that would become full fledged events later on.

Avengers/New Avengers by Hickman - "Everything Dies" is the big idea of these two runs, and that includes the entire Multiverse. A new Avengers team is created to handle any threat imaginable, but that team truly only exists as cover. The real threat is covered in the New Avengers book, following the Illuminati as they try to prevent the end of all life everywhere, due to Earths slamming into and destroying each other in Incursions. By far the most epic the Avengers have ever felt, this is a run that redefines the Avengers and puts the heroes in a position where they can't win... so they have to figure out how to not lose.

[chaoticevilbean]

Voltron Humans are Weird 2/?

Lance tapped his fingers against the ground again and again, eyes boring into the laser wall that kept them trapped in the cell. Two sentries stood outside, stiff and cold. He had been silent from the moment the Galra had captured him and Pidge on their intelligence-gathering mission. The others were sure to come for them, but the Cuban worried about what might happen before then. Pidge was his little sister in all but blood. He didn't know how he'd survive anything happening to her.

Loud, heavy footsteps pounded their way towards the cell, causing Pidge to scoot closer to Lance, her hands clenched and shoulders tight. The older Paladin moved a bit in front of his comrade, just as tense but ready to fight anyone who tried to hurt the younger. A large Galran commander, broad and furred, stopped at their cell, motioning at the sentries to lower the laser wall. They obeyed, and the commander walked towards his prisoners, teeth bared in what was either a smile or a snarl.

"So we've finally caught some of the famous Voltron Paladins," he growled out. "And you were foolish enough to bring the Green Lion along. Three little presents for the Emperor. Only," the Galra paused, and his mouth closed as he smirked, "he doesn't care about the condition the Paladins of Voltron are in. Which means I can do whatever is necessary to obtain the possible information you have."

"I knew the Galra were stupid, but I didn't know you were dumb enough to think that we'd give you intel."

"Silence, Voltron scum. With the right methods, you'll give me anything I want." Lance grimaced, but quickly turned it into a smirk. The Paladins had learned rather quickly that it is much harder for aliens to lie or hide their emotions, so even amateur acting among humans would be considered highly skilled for other races. It worked to Voltron's advantage that Terrans were underestimated by aliens, leaving them to believe that such skills like lying were beyond the humans' level. Even the Alteans had yet to figure out that the Paladins could lie with ease.

"We're trained in the art of torture, both in inflicting pain upon our enemies in ways that leave them begging for mercy, and in withstanding that which is inflicted upon us. We have watched each other suffer and learned to defy our natural protective instincts. Unless you have something new to give us, which I highly doubt, there is no way you will succeed in getting information." Pidge side-eyed her companion, but was quick to catch on and smirk as well, as though completely confident in her abilities to resist torture.

"Then I guess we'll give you something new, Blue Paladin," the commander sneered, signaling the sentries to grab Lance. As he was dragged out, the Cuban's only thoughts were of how it was him and not his little sister. The Green Paladin looked on with a stoic face, set in the act that had only just begun, but horror was in her eyes.

Lance was taken to a new room and stuck in a chair. He was flanked by two sentries and four Galran soldiers lined the walls. The door closed with a slam, and the Blue Paladin knew he had no chance of fighting his way out. Though he followed Pidge's lead in retaining an expression of indifference, his heart clenched at the thought that whatever torture they had in mind didn't require restraints. It was a scarier notion than if he had been completely subdued.

The commander moved into Lance's view, his sneer still present. He beckoned a soldier forward, a large box in their hands. It was placed on the table, a dull thunk echoing in the room. The soldier scurried backwards as the contents of the container were unloaded. Several beakers, a few sealed cartons, and a plate of what seemed to be mint leaves. Lance attempted to maintain his straight face, keeping himself as still as possible as he studied the probable poisons. It made sense now. He had no chance of fighting his way out, and poison didn't require restraints. All it required was getting it into the desired person's system.

"Well, Paladin, I do hope that you've prepared for your inevitable demise. Maybe you'll manage to squeeze out a surrender as you burn from the inside." As he spoke, the hulking Galra opened one of the cartons, carefully using a scoop to measure out some bright red powder. He seemed extremely cautious of the substance, and Lance tensed in anticipation. The scoop was brought towards his face, and the sentries on either side of him held their guns aimed at his head. His only chance of living was ingesting whatever was given to him.

The commander grasped Lance's jaw, forcing the human's mouth open and dumping the powder in. The boy's eyes widened as he tasted the poison. It... was... spicy. All of the Galra in the room were staring at their prisoner, the underlings peering nervously at him as though he were about to collapse.

But Lance's mind was elsewhere. The poison was spicy, not a whole lot, but maybe like a jalepeno, and only for a moment before it started to fade. He had swallowed immediately, and the burn felt no worse than his mother's mild chili, made for the young ones and their low tolerances. Many of the foods in space were bland, practically tasteless. Even if this poison was deadly, Lance wanted more. He missed spicy foods, missed the burn and the numbness that came with them. He was the kind of person that had tried ghost peppers and Carolina Reapers for fun.

"Is the pain so much that you can't speak, oh great Paladin," his captor asked with venom and victory in his voice. "Do you think you were prepared enough for this?"

"What is this," Lance suddenly questioned, turning to face the Galra head-on with curiosity dominating his expression. The being was surprised, but nonetheless answered.

"A deadly poison that burns through all it touches, C18H27NO3. We learned the human word from the Champion when he was given a small portion of it, to test his strength. Your species calls it capsaicin."

"Capsaicin?" The commander nodded, his smirk back in place, though it disappeared with the next words. "I love this stuff! When my team comes to save us, can we have your supply?"

"For what?" one of the soldiers spoke up fearfully, their eyes trained on the Terran.

"For food! We use capsaicin to season our food! It's delicious!"

"It burns!"

"I know! It's sooo good!" The commander slammed his fist onto the table, growling. He closed the carton and moved it aside, pulling one of the beakers over instead.

"Perhaps this will be better suited for our motives!" His voice raised as he shoved the glass container over to Lance. The boy was less nervous about this, instead grasping the beaker and promptly downing the entire dark liquid. If the powder was capsaicin, then chances are the other 'poisons' were actually not toxic to him. Hunk had once mentioned that many foods humans consumed were considered highly poisonous. The liquid was black tea, served cold.

"So why is black tea considered poisonous? Lemme guess, the caffeine?" The Paladin leaned back in his chair, arms rising to go behind his head. He was greatly amused by the faces of the Galra in the room, and decided that he would take this to the next level. Their own plan reversed and used against them.

The Cuban leaned back forward, bent over the table as he grabbed another beaker. It was fizzing, so he assumed carbonated soda. It was indeed Diet Coke, or something similar.

"Man, these poisons are failing at their jobs. The first is in many dishes back home, the second is used to keep people awake, and this one is soda. We drink it as a common beverage or a treat." He snatched a carton next, pulling out a piece of pineapple. "Mmm, bromelain. The snack that eats you back." He popped the fruit into his mouth, then a few more, chewing with vigor at the delicious taste. Oh how he had missed Earth foods.

He proceeded to wash down the snack with some of the next beaker, though he stopped halfway through chugging it when he realized what it was.

"Shiro will kill me if I get drunk, and I'm not risking it to prove a point. Ethanol may be a fun recreational drink, but not for kids." The Galra seemed more alarmed at that (though Lance would only later learn it was a combination of him referring to himself as a kid and calling ethanol a fun recreational drink), but Lance was already grabbing the container of clear liquid.

"Seriously? You guys think water is poisonous?"

"THAT IS DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE AND YOU SHOULD BE DEAD TEN TIMES OVER!" the commander screamed in the Terran's face. Said Terran sighed.

"Bud, humans need dihydrogen monoxide, or water as we call it, in order to survive. Our planet is literally 70% of this stuff. It rains this stuff. We sweat this stuff. I told you that there weren't any methods that could get me to talk. Now pass over those mint leaves and whatever else you think should kill me. I want to save it for Hunk so we can have some food that actually has flavor for once."

The alarms blared before any of the soldiers or higher-up could respond. All personnel rushed from the room, desperate to leave the human behind. Lance was perfectly happy to wait. Chances are they would forget about Pidge due to his terror tactics, and that meant that the sentries would-

Yep, there they were, powering down. The others must've been spotted on the cameras while getting the female Paladin out. Lance got to his feet, whistling a merry tune. He put all the containers and the plate back into the box, closing the lid. With a small heave, he began his way out, carrying his cargo towards where the Lions were most likely to be held.

About five minutes into his rather casual escape, Keith and Pidge came barreling around a corner. The smaller one let out a sigh of relief, pleased to see her brother-in-arms unharmed. Both showed confusion at the box, but neither questioned it, reserving that for later when they weren't on an enemy ship. Instead, they each grabbed a side of the Blue Paladin and his cargo, and took off once more for the exit route.

It took them an hour to get back to the Castle, between lugging the box back to the Green Lion, taking care of any soldiers between them and their escape, and getting rid of the cruisers. Lance immediately disembarked the robotic feline and headed for the kitchen, box in his arms. The other Paladins followed after, curious as to what was so important their comrade risked his freedom to obtain it. Pidge and Keith also wanted to get the story of how Lance wasn't locked up or injured in any way when they found him.

In the kitchen, the Blue Paladin of Voltron began unloading the contents of his prize, and Pidge immediately whipped out a scanner. Her face lit up at the sight of her screen, recognizing what the information was saying about the 'poisons'.

"No. Way," she whispered, looking up at Lance with the biggest smile ever. "No. Quiznacking. WAY! OH MY GLOB, YOU FOUND EARTH FOOD!"

"That's Earth food?" Hunk picked up.

"Quiznack yeah! No more tasteless goop!"

"You risked not escaping to get food?"

"Shiro," Lance called, silencing the chaos that was rising. "I told them that we Paladins are trained in the art of torture and can withstand both our own pain and watching each other in pain. Told them that there wasn't anything they had that could hurt us enough to break our wills." Shiro blanched for a moment before he realized what that meant. The Galra would always take whatever the Paladins said as truth. "That commander that tried to torture me thought he had some great way to break me... Poison."

"They thought these were poisons?" Keith asked incredulously. Lance nodded.

"Not only did it let me know that they don't know anything about humans who train against torture, but also nothing about human biology. I mean, even if all of this was actually toxic to us, a lot of people that learn to resist torture build up immunities to poison as well. They know nothing about us. And guess what, Hunk?"

"Hmm?" Hunk's eyes caught the mischievous glint in his bro's eyes. This was gonna be good.

"The first thing they gave me... a scoop of capsaicin."

"No way." Matching grins spread on the duo's faces. At the Garrison, in their first three months there, Lance would eat jalepenos with every meal thanks to the large variety of food the cafeteria provided. A benefit of going to a prestigious school that felt a little bad about how hard it pushed its students. He kept eating the peppers at every meal and as snacks for his entire school experience, but in those first three months, the other students couldn't seem to believe it. Some thought he was exaggerating his tolerance of spiciness, and some wanted to see how much he could handle. Soon enough, there were kids buying the spiciest foods and peppers they could, then going up to Lance at meals or between classes to bet against him eating it. Every single time, Lance would accept the bet, devour the food, and pull the money from his stunned peers' fingers. Several occasions, he was late to Iverson's class and was seen towing whatever frozen kid had bet that time behind him. Iverson hated it when that happened, mostly because every other student vouched that it wasn't Lance's fault and that he was probably suffering an awful burning sensation at that very moment. He wasn't.

By the end of those three months, he had gained over $3,000 from the bets, and the faculty couldn't do anything. He split the money with Hunk, especially when his roommate used that money to buy spices for food he would always share with the Cuban. Throughout the rest of the school year, whenever someone new transferred in, the other students convinced them to do a bet as well, if only so they could watch someone else suffer as they had suffered. It continued the next year as a tradition, with former peers tricking both younger and older kids to bet, and some bringing in items they had saved just for that occasion. Pidge was never tricked into betting, due to her insistence on being alone, and neither was Keith, because he was an extreme loner that no one could seem to befriend.

Hunk and Lance therefore both knew that there was no way aliens, who couldn't handle capsaicin, who had practically tasteless food because of their intolerances, could somehow give Lance something spicy enough to hurt him in any way.

"Someone want to clue us in?" Pidge asked, eyeing the rest of the Garrison Trio.

"Did you ever hear about the Spice King?" Hunk shot back, as way of a response.

"I did," Keith interjected. "I never met them, but I heard that it was someone who could eat anything from bell peppers to Carolina Reapers and still make it to class on time."

"Oh, I think I did, too," Pidge exclaimed. "I heard in passing, but I was so obsessed back then that I never found out anything more than they existed."

"Well, the Spice King was a kid in our year," Hunk started. "He was this dude who could indeed eat anything spicy. The only reason he was ever late to class was because he made sure that whoever gave him the food got there as well. They almost always froze up because he would just accept what they gave and eat it on the spot. Kids in our year bet against him every day, multiple times on some. The dude earned a few thousand because they wouldn't stop. Usually, students would convince others to bet against him just because they wanted it to be done by everyone. Happened every year as well."

"Adam told me about that kid. Apparently, the teachers couldn't do anything to stop the betting. It wasn't gambling because the outcome was always the same and it wasn't like anything was being sold. Do you know who he is?" Shiro had his arms crossed as he stared curiously at the Yellow Paladin, who was now beaming in excitement.

"It was Lance."

Silence.

"The Galra tried to feed me, the Spice King, a spoonful of spice to make me give them information. Apparently, it was supposed to burn really badly. It wasn't even that bad. Barely jalepeno level. And then the commander went for some really dark liquid, and at that point, I was like 'if they think capsaicin is poison, what else do they got that is poison to them, but not to me' and so I just took the beaker from them and downed it. It turned out to be black tea, and I just gave up on the whole pretending to be a prisoner because they thought I was gonna die from caffeine. Caffeine. If I remember correctly, I had soda, water, pineapple, and a bit of alcohol, but- but," Lance held up a hand to stop Shiro's lecture, "I only chugged it because I didn't know what it was and I stopped the moment that I realized it was ethanol. Although, to be honest, it was really watered down. Well, not watered down, because water is supposedly toxic, but it was real weak. Like, a preteen could probably drink that entire beaker and it wouldn't do anything. It's right... here." He pushed the glass container towards Shiro, knowing that the man would want the alcohol away from children and near his own mouth. The dude was a tired dad in every sense. "Anyways, they got really terrified, especially when I kept making remarks about Terran uses for each 'poison', so all the Galra rushed out the moment the alarm went off, and then Pidge shut the sentries down so I just packed up the box and brought it along. I thought we'd all enjoy some flavor in our food. I also wanted- no, I needed the spice. Spice is life."

Shiro sighed, and picked up the beaker of ethanol, plainly about to down the entire thing. He was prevented from doing so - and the others were prevented from asking their burning questions - by a high-pitched, very terrified voice.

"PUT THAT DOWN, NUMBER ONE! IT'S HIGHLY TOXIC!"

"WHY IS THERE A BOX OF POISONS ON THE TABLE? GET THEM PUT AWAY, QUICKLY!"

"NUMBER THREE, STEP AWAY FROM THEM, YOU'LL BE DEAD IN TICKS IF THOSE TOUCH YOU!"

"Woah, woah, guys, it's okay," Shiro attempted to calm the Alteans.

"IT IS VERY MUCH NOT OKAY! WHY DID YOU EVEN BRING THOSE ABOARD?"

"PUT THE BEAKER DOWN, NUMBER ONE! WE NEED YOU ALIVE! THINK OF YOUR CHILDREN!"

"QUIET!" the Black Paladin snapped, patience running out like a little kid runs out of Halloween candy. The aliens fell silent, staring in shock at the leader of Voltron. Said man held out the glass, tipped it slightly in a cheers that showed the liquid quite clearly, then swiftly pulled it to his lips and drank the entire thing in one go. Allura and Coran both gasped in terror, eyes comically wide as they could only gape at the human. Shiro finished the drink off with a satisfied exhale, his own eyes closing for a moment as he simply took in the moment.

"Well, you were right about it being weak. I don't think an entire barrel of that stuff could make me so much as dizzy. And princess, Coran, this stuff isn't poisonous. At least, the- uh... Lance, what's the stuff that's in what you had?"

"Bromelain, caffeine, capsaicin, dihydrogen monoxide, ethanol, and carbonation."

"Those aren't poisonous to humans. They're actually considered common foods and drinks on Earth. Once Pidge finishes scanning it all, Hunk'll probably include it in our meals. No offense to either of you, but your food is awful. It's so bland that I once licked a rock I found on a planet just because it was salty and took away from the horrible taste that goo left in my mouth."

"Oh, I remember that," Keith put in. "That's why we got those salt-licks from the Earth store at our last mall trip."

"You- how are you not dead?" Allura finally blurted out, face tinging blue.

"Ethanol, or alcohol as we humans call it, is a large part of human culture. It used to be safer to consume products with ethanol than it was to consume just water, so people gained higher tolerances to it. It still affects us, and we can still die, but if it's taken in moderation and you wait until your body is fully matured, the effects are extremely minimal. Even now that most people have access to clean water, alcohol consumption is a common recreational activity. That said, Lance, you better drink lots of water. However weak that stuff was, I don't want to risk anything." Lance nodded as Coran spoke up.

"You consume ethanol, a known poison, which is still considered toxic to humans, for fun?" A nod answered. "What about the C18H27NO3? And the C39H66N2O29? C8H10N4O2? H2O?"

"Translation?"

"Capsaicin, bromelain, caffeine, and water."

"Oh, well, capsaicin is a poison found in peppers and I think a few other plants. Humans use it as a seasoning, and depending on where each person is from and how they grew up, tolerance levels vary. For example, Lance can eat a pepper that burns your hands severely. His tolerance is really high, probably one of the highest I've heard of. He was famous at the Garrison for it. On the other hand, I can barely handle a jalapeno, which is a pretty mild in comparison. Scratch that, it is very mild when compared to a Carolina Reaper."

"Bromelain is known to be toxic as well. But for us humans, it usually only causes a tingling or itching in the mouth, occasionally mild reactions in our stomachs as well. Our saliva and stomach acids digest the bromelain before it digests us, and so many people enjoy consuming pineapple, which contains bromelain, as a snack. There's even this big, extremely long dispute about whether pineapple should be put on pizza or not. Personally, we all had that discussion, and have agreed to each their own."

"Caffeine is commonly found in coffee and some teas, and in many sodas, which are all beverages. Chocolate is a treat that also can contain caffeine, and it's eaten by basically everyone who isn't allergic. Caffeine has been known to have adverse effects on people, but it's much like ethanol: consume in moderation and it won't do as much harm. It's actually used to help people focus and become more aware of their surroundings. What I wouldn't give for a cup of coffee."

"Black?"

"Common misconception. I actually enjoy mochas."

"Nice, but have you tried a con panna?"

"I was going to but my plan was derailed by a certain Empire of purple aliens."

"We have to get coffee at the Earth store. Or maybe a poison store. I mean, if caffeine is poison, the odds are good it'll be there. Then, Kaltenecker and I are making you the best con panna ever." Allura cleared her throat to gain Shiro's attention once more.

"What about dihydrogen monoxide? How is that considered nontoxic?" All five humans exchanged amused looks, chuckles slipping out at the chaos they were about to unleash.

"Princess, dihydrogen monoxide covers 71% of our planet. Most weather revolves around it and humans are actually made up of 60% water, with our brains being about three-quarters of water. We need to consume dihydrogen monoxide to live. I think the only reason we didn't die from dehydration is because the Castle started producing water for us. Really glad, too. Dehydration is an awful way to go."

"Your water is dihydrogen monoxide?"

"What's your water?"

"We Alteans did not have water. It's only translated because of other races and their need for liquids. Coran and I gain most of our fluids from goo and hydration pouches."

"Okay, so what does dihydrogen monoxide do to most species?"

"Number One... think instant death."

"Can we put this aside for now?" Hunk called out. He was holding the spice in his hands, running his fingers like it was solid gold.

"What're planning on making?" And just like that, the Alteans and their dismay were left behind to discuss something else. Allura and Coran exchanged looks and swiftly left once again to the control room, pulling up their new log.

Humans are extremely resistant to toxins. Many chemicals in Terran foods and drinks are highly poisonous to most other races. A list of known poisons in Terran victuals is included below. Some of these are actually harmful to humans, yet they will still be consumed. Once again, a list is included of these chemicals. Important chemicals to remember for the care of humans are caffeine and ethanol. Caffeine can be used to bring a human into a more alert and focused state. Effectiveness is yet to be discovered, and the chemical should be given in extreme moderation until more data is collected. Ethanol is known to be harmful to Terrans, but is still used as a recreational drink. Sparingly give to humans, and only when they are stressed or somber. It is a rule that only fully matured humans are allowed to consume this beverage, given the harmful effects.

Dihydrogen monoxide covers a little under 3/4 of Earth's surface, and is necessary for the survival of humans. Under no circumstances is it to be kept away from a Terran who requests the substance. Terran weather usually includes dihydrogen monoxide, so caution is advised when visiting Earth. Until further information is gathered, avoiding visiting the planet at all would be prudent. Be warned that humans are 60% dihydrogen monoxide, so touching a human's skin or fluids would be very dangerous and should be prevented at all costs, especially if a being is unprotected and/or particularly susceptible to the substance. Humans will likely not realize they are covered in poison, so it is best if they are reminded each time they meet with a being from another race, until they remember on their own.

Data is still being collected about this species. Approach with caution.

[stuckybarton]

One Punch One Kiss

Summary: You find a different option to relieve your stress and the fact that you might just be in love with Bruce Banner. Warning: Profanities. Mild Violence. Slight Angst, Self-Depreciation.  Grammar Errors. Not Beta’d. Characters: Unnamed Female Character x Bruce Banner Words: 3,092 A/N: So this happened. Lol. Masterlist

It been well over months now since you've found yourself in care of the so-called Earth's Mightiest Heroes, The Avengers. It was far from the life you once lived.

The poverty of the slums, where fighting was always the way to survive another day. It was always survival of the fittest for someone like you. One of the many reasons why it took so long for you to intergrade with the team. Your "power" wasn't that much special compared to the rest of the bunch.

You were a mixed martial artist, finally getting out of the bottom of the barrel but a freak accident left your hands, your tool for survival, barely able close into a fist anymore--you can barely even open them back then too. You find yourself mixed with the wrong crowd and after one too many experiments, you've gain this so-called mutation that lets you punch anything effortlessly. But it doesn't come without a price.

When the adrenaline dies down, you are left with an indestructible fist, but the pain was never far behind. Hands that would last the rest of time, but the pain, the burning torturous pain was something you can never get used to. It was better to dip your hands in lava than the excruciating pain. The insistent throbbing on each finger made it hard for you to open your hands, as much as you were capable of opening them. There there are nights were you want nothing more than to end things, end your suffering once and for all.

But out comes one Bruce Banner.

A man that has known about the demons pestering your life. Having to fight his own every single day as he tries to control the big green monster he calls his other self.

He had helped you so much. From physically helping you maintain the pain you had to endure post-mission, helping Tony Stark with designing the perfect gloves that could potentially lessen the pain you had to experience after each mission. Then there was psychological and mental help.

You were never one for meditating. Always using your fist to forget about your problems as much as possible. But without that stress relief, you were left to Bruce's method.

One hour every single day. Whether it was Bruce having a big research or in the middle of a debriefing. They would take time out of their own schedules just for the one hour to bring semblance to their frail state of minds.

Somehow it does work.

In either your room or in Bruce's room. An hour long meditation with nothing but the sound of white noise brings a momentary peace in your mind, while also making you realize something you try so hard to ignore.

You were in love with Bruce.

Madly, deeply, and crazily enough to be in love with the first man to have every taken care of you. You're fucked, that much you have known for yourself since the realization had occurred.

Now you're left with making sure to make as many excuses as you possibly could to avoid Bruce and your daily meditation. Everyone in the compound knew what you were trying to do, but knowing you and knowing how the aloof Bruce Banner could be, they try to mediate the situation without getting themselves too involved.

"What's up, One-Punch Woman." Tony's usual nicknames annoyed you when you first started out, but as time goes by, you just find yourself getting used to it. You got to talk to Peter about letting Tony watch anime. He gets more material from those.

"Today's not the day to piss me off Tony." You muttered.

You had enjoyed the momentary peace inside the training room. With only the resounding echoes of your first against the punching bag, the rapid breathing escaping your lips, and the low hum of the air conditioner. This was your compromise for not joining Bruce with meditating.

"Come on, Rocky." Tony's hand resting on your shoulder angered you. You hated anyone, aside from Bruce, from touching you.

"Get your hands off, Stark."

Your fist continued to collide with the punching bag, but every single time Tony would try to intervene. Either trying to pull you away from the punching bag or pulling the punching bag away from you.

It took all the control out of you to stop yourself from using Tony as your punching bag instead. Every deep breath you took, the resolve was slowly fading away and your hands were now screaming at you to stop pain finally coming in full waves.

"Stark, I am warning you."

"I'd stop if you tell me why you're avoiding Dr. Banner. It's affecting his productivity if I'm being honest."

And that was the straw the finally broke the camel's back. Punching Stark right in the jaw, but his nano-tech was quick to protect him from punch, but the impact left him stuck right through the walls and everything was now on high alert as F.R.I.D.A.Y placed the training room on lockdown.

"I told you to stay the hell away from me, Stark." You spat, now thinking of a way to get the hell out of the training room without anyone, especially the particular man, coming to see that you were falling apart all because of your god damn feelings. "F.R.I.D.A.Y. open the doors." You demand but the AI refused only wanting Tony to give the command.

"The hell is wrong with you Y/N?"

Now coming face to face with an Iron Man suit of Tony, the last thing you would want was to ruin the reputation you have made with the team. The unproblematic one. The one that would rather keep to yourself than argue with anyone on the team.

"You! Get the hell away me." Your voice grew hoarse as the genuine anger begins to manifest.

One punch, that was all it would take to shut the hell out of the man and you could escape the confinements of the training room.

"Open the doors, Tony. I'm not really in the mood to deal with you and the rest of your fucked up group."

"Well, you're part of this group whether you like it or not. So doesn't that make you just as fucked up as we are?" Tony was actually pointing his beam at you and it made it more evident that you didn't belong here in this group as much as Bruce had assured you were.

There would always be this power dynamic that you will never escape from. May it be the slums, the laboratory, or this compound. You will be nothing more than a tool for them to use and to exploit.

"Stand down, Y/N. You're being hysterical."

That was when you finally snapped, running towards him, clenched fist swung but it never met his face, instead a green being came quick to block your hit.

"It's okay, Y/N." Hulk assured--or was it Bruce. You weren't certain anymore.

Eyes trained towards where you fist has landed. Landing right onto his ribs, had he been in his normal body, you were sure you've fracture a few ribs or worse, punctured his lungs or heart in the process.

When your eyes trailed upward, the gentle look on the Hulk's face scared you. Even he was worried about and everything you had been doing for the past few days as you avoided Bruce.

You didn't flinch when his larger hand tried cupping your cheeks, instead nestling more into his touch. You had it bad. But it was enough to calm you down for the moment. Bruce was your peace.

"Breath, Y/N."

Slowly, you see him turn back to his normal self. Never once did his hand leave your own. Both hands now cupping your cheeks as he stared at you.

"Can you do that for me?"

You nodded, never breaking eye contact. You breath, you tried you best to calm the heart you never noticed was beating to fast as you slowed your breathing.

"You got me..."

Indeed you do. He was here, even after the days you've tried ignoring him, avoiding him, and downright pushing him away. You still got him.

"That's all that matters..."

You nod, eyes now stinging with the unshed tears. You were afraid of losing him. You feeling for him that presented itself to you now, you didn't want to lose it. You couldn't depend on anyone else in this compound but him. Your only sanctuary in your state of mind. Your Survival of the Fittest mentality scrambling at this man that would give you the world even if you so much as ask it from him.

The Strongest Avenger, but was the most vulnerable in your presence.

"F.R.I.D.A.Y. open the door." Bruce requested as he pulled you to his chest.

With the AI following, you caught glimpse of the mess the Hulk had made through the wall just to get it. Wincing at what Tony would have them to just to pay for the damage of it.

Their journey has been silent. The only sound you could hear, or at least tried to focus on was his heart. The rhythmic calm beats against your ear made you focus on your own breathing until you arrived in his room.

Bare as Bruce's room was, it brought you a calmness of the familiarity it had with you. Not much decorations aside from the diplomas and achievements, one picture still stuck out the most to you in his array of achievements. It was a picture of you and Bruce. It was post-mission in the Quintjet, one bud on each of your ear and you still remembered the two of you were listening to Lofi music at the time. What made the picture so memorable was the sight of the two of you grinning ear to ear while icing your aching hand after going head to head with a colossus from who-knows what planet.

You still remember why the two of your were smiling. There was a bet between Tony and Rhodey that you wouldn't be able to take on the giant and had waged a hundred dollars each because they were just that confident. Yet a minute later, you've just punched the alien once before it run as far away from you as possible. Being owed two hundred dollar and just the bragging right you were having had a smile on your face and Bruce was quick to join along in the merriment of the moment.

"What's wrong, Y/N?"

Returning back to the present, the worry in Bruce's face was still evident but you pulled away, cheeks warm at the realization that the man had been shirtless this entire time and you were leaning on his chest all throughout.

"Nothing." You muttered, now unable to meet his eyes now.

"The hole you've punched Tony into isn't much of a nothing." His words, as agitated as you knew he was being at the moment, was calm.

"Tony is just being annoying." You tried to reason. "He was getting on my nerves and deserves it." You added knowing very well that if it wasn't for Bruce, Tony would more than likely be enduring a concussion or even brain damage at this point.

Just the thought of that happening brought a knot right into your throat making you incapable of swallowing. Had it not been for Bruce, you were sure you would need to pack your backs yet again and leave the compound. God know what the rest of the team would think of you if that happened, or what what they would do to you as retaliation.

"But it's not just because of that." It was as if Bruce can read your thoughts. All he wants now is just confirmation.

"It has nothing to do with you." Lie.

"Then what is it? You've been acting weird for the last few days. You're blowing me off and using every excuse in the book to get away from our meditation and away from me. So this definitely has something to do with me."

You didn't have an answer to him. Fear overcame telling him the truth, making him understand your worries.

"Just say it. Say that the other guy is scaring you and be done with it."

You blinked confused with what he was saying.

"That's not it." You assured, finding the right words was hard.

"THEN WHAT?" As the green tint quickly appeared on his skin just as quick as it disappeared, your adrenaline was still high from the incident in the training room, fist already already ready to defend yourself if he loses control.

Never once did you raise you hand at Bruce. Never once did you face with in your attack stance. But never once did Bruce raise his voice at you. This was affecting him just as much as it did you.

"I'm a monster, Y/N. I know that more than anyone else. All you had to do was say so and be done with it."

"You're not a monster, Bruce. You never were in my eyes."

"Yeah, avoiding me makes it so convincing." he snorts turning his back at you, a shirt already in his grasp. "Just say it, Y/N. I can take it. I'm not a child anymore that can't handle the truth."

Biting your lips, this was worse than you have actually anticipated. You watched Bruce ramble on and on about why he was a monster and why you have every right to avoid him. But that wasn't what truly had you speechless. It was this, this man that was aloof as he was had done nothing but bare his heart of to you. Show he was just pained as you were with this situation you've placed yourself in--placed the two of you in.

Was it still the adrenaline or your stupidity, you really didn't know as you surged towards him, lips mashing against his own. His lips was soft against your own. The taste of coffee and hint of mint. And just like that, the words in Bruce's mouth stopped and he was left just as stunned as your were for what you've done.

"I, I don't--I...I don't hate you, Bruce." you stutter, eyes refusing to meet his own yet again. "It's opposite really."

"Say it, Y/N."

"I love you, Banner." You muttered finally looking at him. "I love you and I know for a fact that you wouldn't want to be seen anywhere near me."

"What?"

"You're you. Smart, Got a good sense of humour. You care about me more than my parents ever did. You're the first person here in the compound that treated me more like a human instead of this asset or experiment."

It was now your turn to ramble on about why you don't deserve him. You knew very well why and whatever reason that would try to oppose those beliefs were quick to be stomped away. That was how your mind works, you don't deserve things, you work hard for anything and everything.

"Y/N close your eyes."

You blinked at  the sudden request, but the smile that now rested on Bruce's face assured you slightly. But knowing him, knowing he would be the last person to hurt you, your eyes finally closed.

In the darkness, you tried to calm you mind. As much as your trusted Bruce, the unknown scared you, the reason behind this situation worried you. to be this vulnerable in front of him, to be this defenceless.

The last thing you would have expected to happen was his lips against you own. Breathless, you open your eyes to see Bruce's own closed as the kiss continued. The gentle hands that had calmed you down in the training room were once again there to calm you don't. Gently you find yourself pulling more into the kiss, aching hands rested on his chest. The calm heart now coming alive against your fingertips.

Pulling away, Bruce opened his eyes, breathless just as you were and the uncertainty of just what happened finally becoming more an more evident. It was just how you would accept it at this point.

"Hope that's clear enough for you." Bruce muttered, now his own eyes refusing to meet your own. "Why you think so low of yourself? You're part of this team because you value civilian's safety more than our safety, more than your own safety that it's sometimes so annoying because I worry about you and your lack of safety."

You blinked, how the hell did this happen. One minute you were both self-deprecating yourselves, then the next minute it was lips and cheesy lines of admiration for one another.

"I'm not perfect. Far from it, but just seeing you avoid me. It makes it so hard for me to ignore my own thoughts. Maybe they were right." Bruce shrugged.

You shook your head, as much as you knew he wouldn't see. He really didn't know his worth, the irony that you yourself couldn't do the same. The smile just couldn't help but finally escape your lips before you head find solitude in his chest. The sound of his beating heart could do nothing but give you a calmness you didn't think you would need in your life.

"Can we start over." You whispered, the dysfunction that was the two of you wasn't ideal and you knew whatever this might end up becoming, it wouldn't be easy. Nothing was ever easy when it comes to the life they were living. But you knew you could make it work.

"What?"

Pulling away from him. You gentle punched his cheek seeing his lack of effort to block it. He knew just as much as you did that you will never hurt him intentionally.

"My name is Y/N Y/L/N and I love you, Dr. Bruce Robert Banner."

Shaking the man's shaking hand, you smiled as his hands held onto your own tighter and accepting the shake of hand.

"Nice meeting you, Y/N." he started, voice shaky. "My name is Bruce Banner, and I love you too."

With the smile only growing you both of your faces, you leaned once again for a kiss. Things will be alright between the two of you. A few bumps in the road would be a certainty. But you'll work on it. You both will.

"Who do you think Tony would start hounding first about the trashed Training room?" You asked after a second of silence between them.

"My guess is me. Might take a while to live down what just happened."

[smarchit]

Look Around, Look Around pt 3

Summary: You escaped an abusive marriage, pregnant with your husband’s child. He sends a bounty hunter after you to bring you back. Everything changes. Din Djarin/pregnant!reader, no use of y/n

Word count: 2.4k

Warnings: Pregnancy/related topics, implied/referenced rape, mentions of abuse

Notes: yaaaaaaall better get ready bc the story really starts to kick in during this chapter - stay tuned!

So you'd been travelling with the Mandalorian for a little over a month now. A month of helping him as best you could around the Razor Crest, which usually meant watching the baby while he was out looking for work.

He'd kept it to touring mostly well-populated planets for now, and ones usually far less dangerous than he was used to working on. He didn't want to put you in any unnecessary danger than what came with one in his field of expertise, so it was mostly touristy things on larger planets.

You had fun at first, but those weren't the type of places his work usually stuck around on. So you had to keep moving, keep hopping from skughole to skughole in pursuit of work.

Presently, you were seated on a crate outside of the Crest while he negotiated a docking fee from the Twi'lek woman who owned the hangar and adjacent inn. You rubbed a soothing hand over your stomach while the unborn baby inside you did somersaults. It's okay, little one. I'm right here.

"Need a room for your wife?" the woman asked, slightly louder so you could hear her. She raised a brow at the Mandalorian, who slightly turned to face you.

"She's not my wife - and no," he corrected sharply. "We don't. Just need the hangar spot for a day or so."

You sighed and looked down at the bounty hunter's little one that was currently trying to chase down a cricket nearly as large as he was. He'd tire himself out, which would be good for you later on.

It had been getting a little more difficult for you to sleep at night, not due to anxiety, but due to the creeping pressure on your back and hips.

The Mandalorian, stoic and chivalrous as he was, had offered you his bed to sleep in. He'd found some extra bedding in a shop on Tatooine and bought it all for you so you weren't suffering anymore than you had to. You were nesting. The child constantly was snuggling in the bed with you, and would make his way into your room while the Mandalorian slept, much to his panic. He'd wake in the morning and frantically search for him at first, but now he knew right where to find you.

"Ready?" the Mandalorian asked, making his way back over to you. He had a bag slung over his shoulder and the keys to a speeder in his hand.

Dare you say it, it looked very dad-like, and you actually found a smile creeping across your face at his casual pose.

"Where's this one hiding?" you asked as he shut up the door to the Crest. You scooped up the child, something that was getting increasingly difficult with each day, and stood with him in your arms.

"About a four hour ride that way," Mando said, gesturing with his whole hand pointing east.

You groaned internally. "Four hours!"

"You can stay here if you want," he said with a shrug.

You glanced around the old hangar and scowled. It was completely walled in, and you could see none of the planet from here.

"I'm coming," you said firmly.

He nodded once. "Alright then. Let's go."

***

It took almost five hours to get to your destination, due in part to the rough terrain and also to the fact that your baby thought it would be a wonderful idea to park itself on your bladder.

Coupled with the fact that you were carrying a squirming infant on top of that didn't make for an enjoyable trip.

You finally made it to a small inn in the middle of nowhere long after dark. The soft yellow light from the windows lit up the otherwise overwhelming darkness around you and the front door opened quickly as you neared the inn.

You pressed your back against his chest in fear. This was out in the middle of no where - you hadn't seen another settlement in hours. They shouldn't know anyone was coming...

"They're waiting here for us," Mando explained. "There's nothing to worry about."

You didn't relax even as the bike slowed to a gentle stop in front of the house. Mando jumped off first and held his arms out to you to jump into. The step down was higher than you realized and you stumbled off of it, landing against him heavily. He caught you with ease and set you back on your feet.

The child cooed in your arms when he realized how close his adopted father was. You gently shushed him and pulled his little swaddle over his head.

"Mando!" a booming voice called from the doorway of the in. You jumped a mile and yelled in fear. On instinct, you jumped behind the Mandalorian and turned your body to protect yourself and the two children from any harm.

"Dern," he said, holding up his hand in a greeting to the hulking figure in the doorframe of the inn. "Thank you for agreeing to house us. It's... Greatly appreciated."

"I'm always happy to help you after what you did for me all those years ago," the one called Dern said. He finally stepped into the light. A Devaronian man smiled down at you and you tried your best to not cower from him. He towered over the Mandalorian, who was already tall compared to you, and you had to crane your neck to see him.

"Don't mention it," Mando grumbled. "Really."

The Devaronian roared with laughter and slapped his hand on Mando's backplate hard enough to send him stumbling forward. He then approached you and you squeaked, holding the child tight enough to make him give a sharp cry.

"What's this?" he cooed, giving you a quick once over. "You have two little ones now, Mando? The green one Xi'an's or something?"

"Neither are mine," he said, sounding midly disgusted. You hoped that wasn't directed towards you. "I'm raising the one. The girl is a friend."

Friend. The word, you found, stung more than it should have. You were only that, you supposed. Patched him up a few times. He held your hair back when you got motion sickness on more than one occasion. You were the one he called for when he had a nightmare. He was the one you ran to when you first felt your baby kick - you had laughed when he called your baby aruett'ika when it stopped moving as soon as you managed to convince him to put his hands on your belly. Friend.

"Well, I'm always happy to give you shelter when you need it," he said, nodding in the Mandalorian's direction. "And as for her, I'm just happy to give shelter to anyone who can put up with you and not want to dump you in the Sarlacc pit."

You swore you heard Mando's eyes roll back into his head as he retrieved the bag from the rack on the speeder.

Dern held the door open for you and bowed when you entered. He waved one finger at the baby in your arms, who blew a tiny raspberry and made a mean face.

"Please, make yourselves comfortable," he said, making a sweeping gesture at his living space.

You looked around, noting all the potentially soft places for you to lay and you sighed wistfully before making your way to a pile of cushions. The child wiggled out of your arms and plopped itself on a black cushion and babbled up at Mando, who gave a heavy sigh.

"I made supper," Dern offered. "Wasn't sure what guests you brought with you, so I made a bit of everything."

"Something with bones for the little one," Mando said.

"Anything that isn't fish," you said quietly, leaning back in the cushions. "It's been turning my stomach."

"Aren't you glad you didn't stay on Sorgan," Mando teased as Dern turned to the pot on the stove.

"Could have been making a fortune as a basket weaver," you hummed, pressing a hand to your belly. The baby had been restless all day and still hadn't settled and you shifted uncomfortably as they chose that moment to kick particularly hard.

"You okay?" Mando asked. He sounded worried and he leaned forward in his chair to get closer to you.

"Fine, fine," you murmured, "She's just jumpy."

"You think you're having a girl?" he asked, resting his elbows on his thighs.  

"Omera thought I was having a girl, so it just sort of stuck," you replied with a shrug.

"Might be nice," he mused. He sounded distant, like he was thinking about something. 

You wanted to ask him why, but Dern returned with two bowls of hot soup and a cup of broth for the child.

Mando gave an awkward cough and stood, taking the large bowl in both hands.

"Ah, forgive me, my friend," Dern said. "I have forgotten. A guest room is set up for you - please, eat there."

He nodded and thanked his host before he disappeared down the narrow hallway.

In the few weeks you'd been travelling, you realized you never saw him eat, never saw him take food into a room to eat. He must eat long after you and the baby go to bed. The thought broke your heart. How often did he wait for you to decide you were sleepy and go to bed so he could eat?

"So," Dern chuckled as he watched the baby slurp his broth, "You've been traveling with him long?"

You shook your head. "A month," you murmured. "He... saved me."

Dern nodded. You hoped he didn't ask anything else. It wasn't like it was hard for you to talk or make friends, like you imagined it potentially could be for Mando, but you really didn't want to consider the possibilities of all the stuff that could have happened to you had another hunter found you.

Would you be dead? Alive? You shuddered at your internal question - would you still have your baby?

"See?" Dern said, "Man's got a good head on his shoulders."

You nodded absently in agreement. You'd been told that by Cara before, and by a man named Greef Karga only a week or so prior when he realized you were sticking around for a while. The Mandalorian made an impact. He killed with such an acute precision and his skills as a bounty hunter were unmatched. Yet he was gentle in ways that you don't think anyone would believe if you told them.

You, the child, and the Devaronian ate in silence. You hefted yourself off the cushion and walked to the sink basin. Your host got up to follow you into the kitchen.

You were aware of his proximity to you as you took a sponge to wash your dish. He watched you with dark eyes and you felt your pulse rise in fear.

"If you're just a friend, who's child is it you carry?" he asked, leaning against the counter.

"My ex husband," you said. Then you added dryly, "He's dead."

It was a bold faced lie and you hoped he wouldn't notice and leave you alone. No such luck.

"Perhaps then you need some... Assistance with raising your bundle."

Dern trailed a broad hand up your arm and you shied away from his touch. Goosebumps broke out on your skin, but the act of touching at all made your flesh crawl.

"I'll manage," you said firmly. You heard the quiver in your voice and you kicked yourself.

"Are you sure?" Dern didn't even wait for you to reply. He reached a hand over and roughly grabbed your belly. He dug his nails into your arm and spun you so he had you pinned against the counter. One of the drawer pulls bit into your back. His hands gripped you tight enough to bruise your skin.

"She's sure," came a gruff voice from behind you.

Mando was standing there, bowl in hand, helmet firmly back in place. You could tell from his body language that he was upset.

Dern took a step back, his hands raised in surrender.

"Come here," Mando ordered, nodding at you. You walked over to stand by him, your legs shaking bad enough that he wrapped a hand around your waist to steady you.

"She's going to bed," Mando said, keeping his eyes steady on Dern. "Got it? If I find out you did this again, I'll reactivate your tracking beacon. I know quite a few people looking for you."

"Whatever," he grunted, turning to the dishes.

Mando took you down the hall to the guest room, making sure to not frighten you.

Once inside the bedroom, you let out a loud sob and a shaky breath. You leaned heavily against the door and pressed your hand to your mouth to calm yourself. 

"Breathe," he whispered, his strong hands on your shoulders the only thing keeping you upright.

"Just breathe. I've got you, okay?"

You nodded quickly and tried to even out your breathing so you wouldn't hyperventilate.

"Can I hug you?" Mando murmured. "Is that okay?"

You thought for a minute and then nodded. No one had ever asked if they could touch you before...

He gently wrapped his arms around you and held you. His gloves were warm as they spread across your back. You expected the chest of his beskar to be cold, but it felt warm against your belly.

"You're safe," he promised, the modulator of his helmet made it come out in a whisper. "No one is going to touch you unless you let them first. Just breathe. I'm here."

You took a few more gulping breaths and relaxed into his arms, one hand gripping the fabric between his arm guards. You didn't think a metal man would give great hugs, but you also didn't think there was a way out of your marriage. You've been known to be wrong before.

There was a gentle flutter in your belly and you laughed, wiping your cheeks. "It's okay, little one..."

Mando pulled away from the hug slightly and looked down at where your hand rested on your stomach. He made a slight move to pull away but you grabbed his wrist and gently placed his hand beside yours.

"I still can't feel it," he said softly but with as much seriousness as he could muster, "Aruett'ika."

You laughed louder than you had in months.

TAGLIST (ask to be tagged!): @miscellaneous-mando @lestrange2703 @someplace-darker @the-last-twin-of-krypton @divineangelix @c1996 @mell-bell

[paragonrobits]

jormagundr except nope its hulk

consider a take on Ragnarok where the Aesir/Asgardians view it as an inevitable prophecy but they don’t know the specifics of it, leading to a lot of misinterpretations and they honestly don’t know what’s going on there. Due to ambigious wording in the texts they have available, it is clear that some beings are referred to by name and their fates are clear (Thor, Baldur, Odin, Loki, Heimdall, ect.) but other forces are a lot more unclear.

Now, let’s take Jormagundr. In this take, the wording about what he actually IS, it’s very ambigious. He might be a literal world-breaking serpent, or something more metaphorical. Odin’s reckless attempts to avert Ragnarok has led him to do things like cast out Loki’s serpent-like giant child in hopes of averting Ragnarok. But this presents a worrying question: what if Jormagundr, child of Loki, is not actually the world serpent destined to kill Thor, but was just a giant who happened to be close enough to assumptions that Odin made a bad decision?

(There’s other fall out at play; Odin knows Loki is supposedly prophesized to turn against him and lead the destruction of the world. But is he doing that out of spite? A personal vendetta? Now, he fears it is out of revenge, and fealty towards his children cast out to save Asgard, all because Odin miscalculated.)

But now, Thor has a friend, A very good friend indeed, who sports some ominous warning signs.

His friend is an unstoppable horror; a monster whom nothing may equal except perhaps Thor himself. A beast who cannot die, who crawls back from death even angrier than before. In one shape, he is clever, cunning and manipulative; a serpent, you might say.

And Odin knows what the fates whisper of this man, Bruce Banner. The Norns all but wail that he is the Breaker of Worlds. As a serpent binds itself around its prey and crushes it.

And now he realizes; what if the World Serpent, destined to kill Thor, was not a literal serpent, but a world breaker, doomed and damned to this task after so much suffering in its life?

What if the World Serpent, fated to die killing Thor (his own friend) is none other than the incredible, immortal Hulk?

[athena-is-a-chaotic-lil-shit]

Getting back at writing, is, well, hard. My grammar and vocabulary and basically everything is messed up so I apologize in advance for that. It's been, almost a year ever since my last written fic. That time I was still crazy with Kimetsu no Yaiba and the KyoTan ship. I'll post it some other time ^^.

Anyways, I present to you my attempt in making a plotted work from a random thought that came over me this morning.

Pairing: Tai'chi Kashharzol (Orc) x Pearl Blackbell (Human OC/Reader)

Warnings: Basically none. Except for some curse words.

UD 01/10/21: Cleaned and revised some parts! Tried my best, hope it was enough.

•

Of Ice and Blood

Part 1

Quick backstory and some details I left out in the main work.

It was in summer, 28th of July, when Pearl Blackbell turned 19. She left her home and moved closer to the university she’ll be going to. She rented an apartment about five blocks from the school. Albeit small, it was cozy and proper, having what she needed: a kitchen, a decent-sized bedroom, a small living area with a worn but comfy couch, and a bathroom.

When she was younger, her parents started training her in martial arts and the use self-defense weapons. They needed to make sure she knew how to protect herself against assaulters and dangerous people, she was after all, their only child and baby girl . They want their daughter to be strong, both inside and outside, by the time she sets out on her own and leaves home.

Her favorite self-defense weapon was brass knuckles, despite her parents’ protests. She enjoys punching nasty people and feel the crunch of their bones beneath her fists, especially racists, sexists, bullies, and the lot. The main reason why she got into detention multiple times.

Painting it with a ruddy color, she keeps it in her person, no matter where she goes. She has two, one is for extreme situations, while the other has only two knuckles. It stills maximizes the damage dealt but it is relatively less dangerous than the full dusters. The second one is usually a spare, though she rarely uses it.

She also occasionally carries a pair of retractable nunchucks, which she designed to be hidden within her regular baggy clothes. Her father had trained her vigorously with them and she even bested him in a match before she left for the city.

Selkoth, the city of marvels.

Distant sounds of buzzing cars reached my ears as I opened my eyes and blinked away the sleepiness, the light shining from the spaces in my curtains rather helping, together with the warmth it brought to my chilled tawny skin.

[Start of the actual work]

I fully woke up as I registered the sound of my phone alarm, shortly getting up to prepare when I realized what day it was.

Monday, the first day of my college life.

I stepped into the bathroom and took a quick shower, knowing I bathed thoroughly last night to save some time today.

Time management is key.

I dried myself down, turned to my closet and started putting on the outfit I picked out the night before.

Prioritizing comfortability over appearance, I wore my favorite orange cotton shirt, my blackish-blue hoodie (that had been stained with blood some time ago, but don’t worry, I know how to clean out blood. Mama raised no fool.) over it, together with a pair of black skinny jeans. And of course, tight black sports bra and boxers, even mentioning my underwear yes?

I looked over to my mirror and it was—

Simple. And I loved it. The more simple it is the better.

'“Keep a low profile over there, sweetie. Don’t get into fights when you can help it okay??? We already taught you and prepared you to the best of our abilities. Promise to us that you’ll stay safe, and healthy. Okay? And don’t forget to call sometime.”' I sighed, remembering my mother’s words.

"Yes mama, I will.”

With a smile, I did my hair and went for a tight Dutch braid, it going down between my shoulder blades and ending a little above my waist. I ran to my kitchen to eat breakfast, satisfied with my look.

I eat fast okay

Backpack, check. White sneakers, check. Phone and keys, check. Airpods on, playlist shuffled, I bolted out of my apartment and jogged all 50 blocks to school.

Exercise is always important, and what other way to utilize time for exercising than to do it while heading to your destination, right?

I snickered.

As I made my way to the university, I saw bizarre creatures and monsters of different sizes, coexisting, and interacting with humans. Even so, I noticed other people’s disdain and bitterness towards them when I passed by. My nose is awfully sensitive to scents that sometimes the ones their body releases tells me what they feel at the moment. It’s all science, I guess. I was made extra susceptible to these, so I wear a mask everywhere and every time I go out just to partly block most of the smells.

My first day at a university open to everyone across the country gets my blood pumping with excitement. To think that I’m going to study at Ernestine State University, the Ernestine State University!

I first heard about the uni back when I was a child. News broke out about Victor Ernestine, committing suicide by driving his car off a cliff because he couldn’t accept that his daughter was one of the major leaders who made the unity of all people, of all races, possible.

Dramatic.

Months after Mr. Ernestine died, all his properties and riches were passed down to her daughter, who took over as the new founder of the university and rebuilt it to accommodate everyone, no matter the size and shape.

The strictly all-human school, renovated, reshaped, and repurposed, was now the first university to open its gates to everyone in the country of Yundomia.

I’ve always yearned to get to know other species in this world. I didn’t get the chance previously because my parents sent me to an all-human, local high school. Which sucks. I hated how everyone had a certain hatred for the other races, especially orcs. They keep talking about how they are wild beasts and savages that aren’t meant to be in society.

They treated them like animals that are void of emotions and intelligence.

Come to think of it, I mostly fought with humans who were either racist, bullies, bastards trying to hit on me, or a mix of all of them together.

I chuckled, remembering how many times I got counseled on not punching people in the face.

High school was pure torture, being a human-exclusive campus making it worse, considering how everybody smells so horrible and the principal was an egoistic dumbass I was a hair away from gutting him. My poor nose.

But now I’m done with that! I’m starting anew in this school, in this city. Perhaps make some friends along the way.

Which is kinda problematic.

I’m not the social type. I tend to keep things to myself and hardly open up to anybody. I wanna make at least one friend that isn’t human! Or just, one good friend. I didn’t have or made any friends in the past since people tend to shun me out just because I can tell how they are feeling and find it creepy.

Or they’re afraid to get punched in the face.

Entering the campus gates was like stepping into another world. I was met with the sight of humans and monsters walking together and conversing! It was nice, and I don’t get to see this much often.

I walked around and took in the landscape of the campus. It was huge! And beautifully designed to have a great number of trees and plants, while also having space more than enough to accommodate every student going to their respective classrooms.

I was minding my own business and it was all serene, until some bastards pushed past through me and knocking me to the side. I stumbled but didn’t fall. I was gonna say something, but I shut my mouth. I didn’t want to cause any trouble on the first day for goodness’ sake. So I brushed it off and went straight to the gym for the orientation.

*************************************

The orientation was, intriguing. The dean seems nice, though I couldn't smell him from where I sat. There's also a student council made up of both humans and monsters which is a good sign. The student council president was a Minotaur with a dark brown coat and horns curving front and pointing up. The vice-president was a male student who looked decent enough. The secretary was an elf. The treasurer, a dwarf. And the rest were humans. I couldn't scent any of them to tell me what they were feeling at the moment, but the Minotaur looked uncomfortable, his hands behind his back, body going stiff when they were introduced to the freshmen. There was a larger numbr of humans than monsters, which was expected. I also noticed how both were grouped, a white line in the middle of the gym separating us from them.

Maybe to avoid any misunderstandings?

We were informed that today will be for introductions to your classmates and subject teachers so there will be no lessons at all. Hooray!

I was walking to my first classroom when a damned familiar smell attacked my nose. I stopped to stand for a moment and adjusted my mask. I looked around to spot the one emitting it and of course, saw a human. He looked, well, the typical playboy cool boy who used too much body spray on himself.

Not wanting to stand there like an idiot and prolong my suffering, I speed walk to my classroom and planned to sit at the back hoping no one would notice or ask why I’m wearing a mask.

That's always what they ask first. Not my name or how I was doing.

I expected to find no one inside since it was still early, but I was startled to see a massive orc sitting at the back looking out at the window. He was wearing a dark gray knitted sweater that was hugging his hulking frame very…well. Along with what looked like thick cargo pants and black boots.

He turned to look at me when I let out a small yelp, greeting me with his piercing, blue eyes.

Beautiful.

The orc had long, braided, jet-black locks. Two of them had distinct beads that trailed down from the side of his face and down to his chest, the rest of his hair behind him braided with intricacy and tied and ended halfway down his back.

I was pushed out of my trance when a person entered and crashed into me, swearing under my breath that it was intentional, nearly making me plant face-first on the trash bins if I hadn’t changed my footing at the last moment.

“Watch it, bitch, you’re gonna ruin my make-up,” she snapped.

Wow. She dared to call me that and not apologize like I’m the one who shoved her. Just wow. Usually at this point, I would have planted her face on the floor, but I stopped myself.

Low profile! Low profile Pearl! You’re in college now! You definitely don’t want to get suspended on the first fucking day of class now do you?? Keep it together.

Straightening up, I walked towards the back and sat beside the orc. Whose gaze fell on me, curious, when I wasn’t looking.

I made myself settled in my seat before the professor came in.

There were other races in my class. A blue tiefling sat three rows in front, wearing a casual outfit. A black-haired elf who looked and dressed clever, a row away. A cute pink pixie on my far right. A satyr wearing glasses, two seats in front of me, and a female lizardfolk a seat from of the pixie.

"Are you...alright?"

I almost jumped from my seat when the orc beside me spoke. I couldn’t help but admire how deep his voice was. I tried not to appear flustered, my mask helped with that.

“Uh…yes?”

The orc regarded me for a second before continuing.

“You were pushed earlier.”

Oh. He saw that?

“Oh, yeah, I’m okay.” I smiled at him. Then I remembered he can’t see my face. But I hoped the crinkling of my eyes gave it away.

“I’m Pearl, by the way.” I reached out my hand to him, socializing not my best suit but at least I tried.

He paused for a second before taking it into his bigger one, engulfing mine and shook it slowly. I was again, surprised by how gentle he was.

“Tai'chi.”

Interesting.

“Nice to meet you, Tai'chi.”

He lets go of my hand when the professor started talking up front.

“Nice to meet you too, Pearl."

***************************************

Thoughts? I am wide open for constructive criticism :D

Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6

Check pinned post for latest chapter updates💕

[my-writings-and-musings]

Catch me immediately sneaking out of Medbay via vents and paying the brig a visit.

On one hand this idea is hilarious. You're bandaged in the medical bay, on bed rest for the sake of your broken body, but find yourself snapping back to consciousness in the dim stillness of the ship's artificial light. The medical bay is still, you're the only one awake and alert in the entire area, and there's no stimulus to explain your sudden wakefulness. Everything is silent, as if all noise has been eliminated in your vicinity by something more otherworldly than the medics trying to get you better.

Only your senses working in tandem allow you to understand why you are awake, and what you must do next, for the sake of universal balance. You can sense the ongoing injustice like a dog senses a tsunami. Pain matters little as you force your bruised body to act, hopping into the vents and limping at full speed to the source of the disturbance.

A bot is sad, and you refuse to let this crime against existence continue a moment longer, even if said bot is the reason you're as injured as you are now. God as your witness, he will be comforted, and you'd like to see anyone try to stop you. Fort Max is going to get a hug, and you're gonna give it to him, and then you'll get rest. But only then.

Cue your little body swan diving from the vent above Max for a tactical embrace that hits like a well aimed missile.

On the other hand this idea could be heartwarming and also tearjerking.

With all the advanced technology available to the medical staff, your life threatening injuries were stabilized in minutes, though there's still ample pain and a sizable road to recovery ahead. All present medics agree you should rest for a few days after your... "ordeal", to regain your strength before any visitors are allowed. In response to your requests to at least communicate with Fort Max, you're gently told that he can't receive prisoners or messages in the brig after his actions, especially from those who were most grievously injured by said actions. It's difficult to argue them as you are, and with Rung lying motionless on his own recovery slab, his head gone and his thumb still unattached...

But you know the big mech is hurting. Of course you're also in some considerable physical distress yourself, but unlike you, Max doesn't have anyone there for his pain. That bothers you even after everything he's put you through.

Maybe it's so easy to forgive because it all seems as unreal now as it did then. He'd burst in just as you were preparing to leave so Rung could have his session with a surprisingly early Whirl, and while you'd freely admit to having been terrified, the agony in his optics had made it clear he wasn't acting out of anything but trauma. The bot you'd befriended had obviously not been in a good place, his aura giving the sense of anything but a gentle giant whilst he tried to demand what his tormented mind thought would make the pain finally stop. You'd known he was acting from fear just as well as your fellow hostages, despite being far less experienced in the area than they. Perhaps it was because of their survivalist knowledge that it was just you who'd been caught off guard, as you hadn't known just how badly afflicted Max was until your tiny body had ended up in his trembling fist, your breaths coming in so shallow you couldn't even cry for help...

Residual fear made you shudder on the slab, but instead of deterring you, the resulting pain only made you want to act.

Being a human had a number of advantages on a ship designed for giants, and the first was that no one had bothered to secure anything against a being of your size. The hardest part of escaping the medbay was simply getting up and finding the least painful way to walk, which admittedly was far from easy with your multitude of healing ribs. Ratchet would be furious if he knew what you were doing... Come to think of it, he would probably be as angry as could possibly be once he inevitably figured out you'd been out of bed at all, so all things considered there was no point in trying to go back now. That realization was surprisingly freeing.

The vents were your obvious solution even before you laid eyes on the opening and recalled their network ran the length of the entire ship.

How ironic was it, that you'd been instructed to use these in the event of an emergency, and your first time doing so was to defy orders? If this little stunt of yours succeeded and word got out, some of the crew would probably be proud of you. The rest would vary between fury and shock at such an unexpected move from their little human.

With your all in one communication tool, map, remote control and social media device of a wristband you have no trouble plotting a route. The only trouble will be getting there in your current state, completely without detection, and then making it back with equal levels of success. Only your stubborn refusal to leave a bot suffering stops you from giving up as soon as you see the distance ahead of you. Thankfully quick thinking and planning gets you some shortcuts, namely by ducking into hallways and grabbing mercifully empty elevators, but the journey is still a long and painful one. That time unfortunately gives you ample opportunity to think about what you'll say, which leads to you recalling exactly what needs to be forgiven, and that replays a number of horrifyingly fresh memories each time.

Pressure like you'd never experienced had threatened to crush your body as those powerful digits had closed in, only stopping when a number of your bones collapsed under the strain with reverberating cracks as they broke, an experience so painful you could still see the stars it had sent bursting before your eyes. Everything afterwards had been a chaotic blur, save for an expression of horrified guilt on a familiar face and the grainy footage of Overlord beaming whilst committing his trademark butchering, then darkness as large hands had carried you to safety...

Wiping sweat from your brow, you resist the painful urge to cough as you close in on the brig, knowing that a few of the prisoners will be dangerous enough that caution will be required. It's hard not to be afraid of the very idea of being grabbed once again, but that fiery determination keeps you moving through all the pain and exhaustion and admittedly logical fear. Focusing on Max as you knew him was your primary source of strength as you moved into the much smaller vents that ran through the cells. While still roomy enough for a human, they were impossible for a bot to fit through, likely to prevent escape attempts. Hopefully that would make getting through much safer for you.

Thin slots in the airways became your windows of guidance, due to the map being more than a little vague about navigating the brig. It was mostly as big as it was to ensure each cell had ample room for its occupant, a standard right for Autobot prisoners of war you were delighted to see but found none too simple to traverse. Darkness you didn't dare illuminate also complicated your mission. Quick glances outside of your little vents revealed glowing biolights and occasional flashes of optics you didn't recognize, and while you were fairly confident you could identify Max even in the dark, you were hardly eager to do so.

Luck gave you a rare break not too far into your little spying operation, one that couldn't have come too soon with exhaustion weighing you down and aches growing ever harder to ignore in your bandaged body.

Though he was larger than any other prisoner, you recognized Max by something completely unrelated to his appearance, and it immediately made you certain your decision to come down had been the right one. There was a kind of weariness to the hulking body seated on the floor of the cell, even though they were obviously awake, as if gravity was being artificially strengthened only for them. Upon a closer look you realized there was more than just fatigue dragging the occupant down; their entire being radiated such unimaginable grief it all but choked the air around them, making you wobble as if teetering on the edge of a bottomless well. Your heart threatened to shatter at the sight of a being enduring so much suffering. Hesitation of any kind evaporated in the face of your revitalized determination to console the mech who'd endured so much, as you refused to let this go on a moment longer.

"Max? In the vents, above you, it's Y/N."

In an underwhelming touch of irony your injuries actually made hushing yourself rather easy. Max slowly roused from his fog with every word you spoke, looking back and forth before casting his optics upwards and becoming aware enough to be shocked by what he saw. His expression was like a bot beholding a ghost.

"Y/N?! You're alive?"

The exclamation makes you sad and angry at the same time; really, no one had even given him that basic piece of mind? Sure there'd been a great deal of chaos, but letting him know he hadn't murdered you seemed rather routine, even after everything he'd done.

"It's okay, big guy. I'm okay." You assured, not realizing it wasn't quite true until the pain of simply existing with your injuries hit again. Hiding a wince, you grabbed at the corners of the vent as he continued to gape, easily sliding your hands into the crevices built to keep out much larger servos. "Hold on, I know these can open from the inside..."

"I don't understand..." He said, watching you like one might watch a dream unfold, standing and raising his cupped servos to catch you as the vent swung open. Perhaps the exhaustion was making you delirious, but there was no fear as you dropped the short distance into his waiting palms, despite what had happened the last time you'd been in his grasp. Perhaps the look of restrained hope in his optics put you at ease, as he didn't yet appear willing to believe this was real. Holding you like a blessing dropped by Primus himself, the giant mech sat down on the berth pushed against the wall, unable to stand under the weight of everything seeing you was making him feel.

"I thought... I was so sure I'd... You weren't even moving." He said softly, looking away as if he didn't deserve to see you alive after what he'd done. Perhaps you just had the softest heart in the universe, but such guilt in a truly gentle giant hurt more than any of your actual injuries. It was so easy to see the full scope of his trauma in the aftermath of everything, and how he obviously had been so far out of his usual self in the fog of pain and fear he'd been unable to stifle a moment longer... You wanted to help him so badly.

"I was hurt, but I'm alive. I'm going to be just fine." You assured, words halting just a bit when you included the "going" for the sake of accuracy. Currently you had a load of internal supports holding broken bones together, but with human medicine you'd have been immobile in a brace and multiple casts, probably for weeks. Even your forgiveness couldn't simply make that all go away.

"I'm... I don't know what to say." Came his reply after a long silence, his optics finally rising to meet your eyes. Though you hadn't been amongst Cybertronians for too long, you knew straight away that he'd been crying, as the tell tale dimness of his optics and slight discoloration of the mesh around them were unmistakable. Seeing that broke your heart more as you settled into his palm. Finding his voice again, he tried and failed to manage a bitter smile, the weight of his guilt making it impossible to attempt such an expression. "A little "sorry" feels pretty pathetic right about now."

Holding back the urge to cry, as well as the urge to lie down as adrenaline failed you and exhaustion started creeping in, you tried to offer encouragement. "It's okay, Max. I know you're sorry-"

"I'm so much more than sorry, Y/N."

The interruption wasn't at all firm, but it still stopped you with its unexpected weight.

"I'm... I'm so ashamed... I took a vow to protect all life, especially organic life, and I nearly killed you just to send a message. You've been nothing but nice since I got here, and this is how I pay that back? Nothing that... that happened to me could make that okay. You didn't deserve any of this, and neither did... neither did Rung..." Fading off with a crack in his voice, he let the tears fall without a care, not even letting out a sob as they pattered onto his armored chest. "But because I can't do much else, I'm sorry. To you, to everyone, for everything... I hope that helps you a bit."

Sniffling and unable to stop yourself, you wondered how proud Rung would be of the big bot if he could see him now, and you had to emphasize to yourself that one day you were going to get a chance to tell him.

"It does, but I'm not mad, okay?" You said as you tried and failed to scoot closer, realizing that you were unable to move much at all from the pain and weariness of the injuries you'd unsettled by trekking here. Paying it little mind, you looked up into those big optics and tried to convey as much forgiveness and encouragement as physically possible. "I don't know everything, but after enduring what you did... Max, I'm just so glad you're here. We're all gonna be okay; you, me, and Ratchet says Rung will be too so long as we all put the work in. That's probably true for all of us, we just need to focus on getting better. I'll be taking care of myself, and I'll be here for you every step of the way."

"Heh, are all humans this forgiving?" He said, actually managing the tiniest hint of a smile as he spoke. "I... I don't... It's going to be a lot of work, but I'll try for you. For now I do need to stay down here though, what I did... I can't just walk. You know that, right?"

Though you were aware that things could never be so simple, you were still sad as you nodded. It seemed the truly evil bots of the galaxy were quite content to keep letting others endure the fallout of their cruelty while never facing any consequences themselves... Had Overlord ever been truly punished for all the torment he'd caused? You were entering a bit of a fog at the thought when a loud commotion at the entrance to the brig got your attention as well as Maximus's.

"-cannot BELIEVE this. I always thought they were at least somewhat responsible, but they're giving your most brainless stunts a challenge!"

Ratchet's very identifiable and very angry tone carried right to the cell you two were seated inside. Max actually gave you a full on smile in his cupped palms, something like a long forgotten feeling of mischievous delight twinkling in the back of his brightening optics.

"Guess you've been found out, eh jailbreaker?"

You'd have laughed if not for the pain and the sound of Rodimus closing in with a not at all reserved yawn of exhaustion.

"Relax, Ratchet, it's too early to be yelling... Besides the scanner says they're fine and right... here."

The two mechs appeared beyond the bars in the darkened brig, and while neither looked especially happy, one was far more actively angry than the other. Somehow you weren't intimidated in the slightest to be caught. Perhaps it was because you were completely fine going back to bed, not to mention that there weren't a whole lot of punishments the bots could really give you, but most likely you were just glad to have accomplished everything you came down here for. Well, everything but one...

"Fortress Maximus, if you would... just hand over Y/N... I need to get them back to the medical bay." Ratchet said firmly, caution evident in every syllable. Unnecessary as it may have been, Max didn't seem to take offense, likely because the medic had saved his own life after Whirl had put him down. Standing slowly from the berth, he approached the cell door with you held carefully in his servos. It was at that moment you realized the big bot was actually cuffed at the wrists. The sight combined with the fact that he'd be all alone after you left made you remember one more thing that needed to be done, which you recalled just as you were about to be handed over.

"Hold on, just let me..." In a hurry, you stood up on the bots palm and forced your legs to cooperate, hobbling the short distance to his chest that he held you so close to and throwing your arms open wide for a clumsy but genuine embrace. Barely able to talk between everything going on inside of your broken body and beyond, you croaked out a final bit of encouragement, looking up as you plopped down and were quickly but gently snatched up by the waiting medic. "See you later, Max. I promise."

"See you soon, Y/N."

[topherfoxtrot]

Thunderbolts: The hulk's personal protection team

Hey, here's the second episode of my fanon thunderbolts. Since last episode Emil Blonsky escaped from his imprisonment. He's probably going after the Hulk, right? John, Ava, Yelena, Justin and the mysterious Contessa Valentina attend to a presentation Bruce Banner is giving at MIT to find out. This one is more comedy leaned. It wasn't a conscious choice, it just sort of happened. But I'm glag it did. If you enjoy your read please like, share or comment something :D

Valentina hated those heels but something inside of her made she wear them anyways, even on grass. She was going first and foremost. Justin Hammer was right behind her jumping in excitement and giving a lot of useless yet interesting facts about MIT lore and culture. The rest of the thunderbolts were there too. John was wearing a cap and a 5 o'clock beard. Ava was wearing a huge gray sweater as she usually did. Yelena was rocking a leather jacket. For all purposes they did look like a group of college students.

"This place is huge!" Ava looked around, "I wish I went to college."

"What would you do?" John asked.

"I don't know. Anything except quantum physics I guess!" Ava laughed.

"I knew a quantum physics guy once." Justin thought out loud.

"Yeah you knew everyone." Yelena rolled her eyes, "You told that already. We been knew."

"Hey, no need to be so harsh. Your new equipment is my property and I can reclaim them at any time, remember?"

"Oh yeah I haven't used the tasers yet. Wanna help me out with that?" Yelena smirked.

"Behave, children." Valentina intervened, "We want doctor Banner to have a good first impression about us. Specially after the Blosnky incident." She side eyed Ava.

The campus was packed with people of all ages and all around the country and possibly the whole world too. There have been a lot of workshops and seminars the whole week, but today's main event was special: Bruce Banner was gonna give a presentation on the applications of biochemistry in robotics. Apparently the robot dogs running around campus were testing an engine that doesn't need gasoline or electric energy to work.

"I've seen those dogs before." John was reading an informative folder, "I don't think building them to never sleep is a good idea."

"I have a history of dangerous applications of robotics and I agree." Justin cleaned his glasses. The microfiber cloth had his name on it. "It can get out of hand rather quickly!"

"Now that I think about it Bruce Banner also has a history of dangerous applications of robotics." Yelena pointed out, "Y'all remember Ultron?"

"Mistakes are learning opportunities. I mean, not for them I guess." Valentina sighted, "Trust me those super idiots are always making mistakes and they never learn!" She said that last part in a loud whisper.

The presentation was supposed to happen at 4pm so they got there one hour earlier as the Contessa wanted. Doctor Banner was in the auditorium already. His big hands were setting the projector and his eyes were studying the obnoxiously small papers scattered across the table. As usual, the heels Valentina was wearing announced her presence.

"Doctor Banner." She greeted him formally.

"Hello." He analyzed her quickly, "How can I help you..? And you?" He looked at the thunderbolts arriving with the Contessa.

"Well, you see." Valentina took off her sunglasses, "It might actually be the other way around. We are the ones who are here to help."

"Oh." Bruce changed his posture to pay full attention at the lady.

"We are the thunderbolts and we are here to protect you Doctor Banner."

"Protect... me?" Bruce tried to sound polite.

"We have privileged information that confirms you might be in danger, man!" Justin put himself in front of Valentina, "We don't want to scare you or anything but the Abomination scaped his imprisonment!"

Bruce's eyes opened wide suddenly. It's been fifteen years since he saw Emil Blonsky. And as time passed by he caught himself thinking about the man less and less. Now however this distant memory became an immediate danger.

"Should I cancel the..?"

"No, of course not Doctor Banner!" Valentina waved her hand as if the whole situation was nothing but a little annoyance, "You can carry on with your presentation. The Thunderbolts are here to protect you. Also, my name is Valentina Allegra de La Fontiane, Contessa Valentina de La Fontiane. It's a lot to remember I know but don't worry, I'm hard to forget."

"Okay. The.. hm, thunderbolts." He looked at the weird bunch, "Hey aren't you the new Captain America?" He asked.

John looked down and then looked to the roof real quick, "I'm not Captain America anymore." He said between his teeth.

"Yeah there's a new new Captain America now." Valentina rolled her eyes, "But that's not important now, is it? We'll just sit here and wait for the presentation to be over. How about that?"

Bruce didn't trust the team quite yet, but he trusted himself to be his own protection so it was no big deal. Still, as the thunderbolts took their sits at the end of the room, Bruce grabbed his cellphone to check if Emil was really out. There was nothing on the news or on twitter which meant that either Valentina was lying or the government was hiding this information really well. Both options were equally plausible in Bruce's eyes so he decided to roll with it.

***

When the presentation started the lights went out. Yelena, Ava, John, Justin and Valentina were sitting on the last set of chairs. At some point Valentina got up to get a phonecall. John whispered to not disturb the presentation:

"So...who is she?"

"What do you mean?" Justin asked, also quietly.

"This... Contessa. I don't know. Her." He pointed at the exit door she just left through.

"Haven't you read the card?" Ava asked.

"What card? You mean the blank card? The one with nothing written on it?"

"It was written with invisible ink." Yelena clarified.

"Invisible ink?" John couldn't believe his own words.

"John that's the oldest trick in the book." Justin seemed interested in the presentation, "Espionage 101."

"I was black ops...!" John sounded offended. Someone shushed them so they stayed in silence for a while. Ava felt bad for John though.

"It doesn't matter if you read it or not." She whispered, "It's not like there was any key information there. It was just her name and this weird lightning symbol."

"The thunderbolts!" Justin whispered back.

"So.. us?" John asked.

"That's what it seems." Yelena looked around with no sign of the Contessa, "But who are we?"

"Didn't she explain anything to you guys?" Justin asked.

"No! Did she explain anything to you?"

"I mean, no."

"What?" Ava asked a little louder than intended.

"She just said she would sponsor my projects so I was immediately on board." Justin justified himself, "I just assumed you were more into her deal than I was."

"I can't believe I fell for another pyramid scheme." Ava sighted

"Another?" John asked.

Someone shushed them again, more aggressively this time.

"Excuse me who do you think you are to shush me??" Justin whispered as loud as he could.

"Hammer, sit down!" Yelena ordered.

"Not, let's see what this fella has to say!" Justin grabbed his cellphone to use as a flashlight, but that was not necessary because the lights turned on out of sudden. The robot dogs entered the room as part of the presentation and everyone clapped and cheered at them. Justin sat down again and straighten his blazer aggressively.

The robot dogs did some flips and silly dances. Their "skin" was transparent so it was possible to see all fluids and engines working inside. Everyone was having a good time except Justin, John and Yelena. Something about the dogs and the claps made John unsettled. Yelena felt the same. They looked at each other looking for some guidance. That's when the shots were fired.

A few people from the crowd got up wearing balaclava masks and wielding machine guns. The robot dogs positioned themselves, one on each side of every seat row. The chemicals inside them started to bubble in a menacing way. A man from the first seat now in balaclava got closer to Hulk with a shotgun aimed at his head.

"Hello everyone!" The man screamed, "We are only here for the money. If everyone cooperates, no one gets hurt."

The criminals started to walk around the room with huge bags stealing rings, watches, wallets and all sorts of jewelry.

"There's twelve of them." Yelena whispered.

"How much you can take?" John analyzed the room with her.

"Without getting shot? A few. But the dogs seem to be time bombs."

"Yeah there's too many people here. We have to think this through!" Ava stated.

"Oh my god is that Ant-Man??" Justin screamed pointing at Ava's feet.

"What? Where?" Ava got up on a jump. The men started shooting at her but she phased around the bullets out of reflex. That was just the distraction Justin needed to run into the exit door Valentina went through minutes ago.

"Fucking Hammer!" Yelena grunted before jumping to the ground. A nearby dog jumped to attack her but she quickly applied a jiujitsu move that made the dog fly above her. The fluids inside the robot started to shine in a weird way. John jumped across the seats and kicked the robot to the roof where it exploded. The roof suffered some damage but no enough to fall. No one got hurt. Except the dog whose metallic remains fell onto the ground.

John landed beside Yelena to check on her. Ava made herself invisible and visible again more times than the nearest criminal could comprehend. When Ava reached him she grabbed him by the back and used him as a human shield. Her hand phased into his neck in a lethal threat.

"Nobody shoots no one and no bloody dog explodes!" She demanded.

Everyone in the auditorium hold their breath together. Bruce seemed to be having fun. Yelena and John remained on the ground watching everything in anticipation. Ava had declared a temporary negotiating time, but for how long?

Suddenly breaking the absolute silence the auditorium was emerged in music started to come out of the speakers on the wall. Even the criminals looked around confused to the sound of "U can't touch this". When MC Hammer sang the iconic 'Hammer time!' the exit door exploded and among the smoke Justin Hammer emerged with a shield, three tasers, a shotgun and bunch of flash grenades. He took his right hand to the sky to show his car keys in triumph.

"He went out to get our stuff from the car trunk." John said in denial.

"Fucking Hammer!" Yelena screamed again (with a smile this time) before running to his direction. John came right after.

The criminals started shooting at Justin, who jumped to the ground scattering everything he brought with him. Ava let go of her human shield and disappeared. Yelena grabbed her tasers and John grabbed his shield. They both got up ready for action. The criminals started shooting and John instinctively projected the shield in front of them while Yelena got closer to him.

"Hey, it even looks like we rehearsed it!" Yelena said, smiling.

John also gave her a smile. Without realizing it he offered his arm for a forearm pump like he used to do with an old friend. Yelena forearm pumped him and jumped back into action. John smiled even brighter.

What happens next is just incredible. John's shield ricochet's throughout the whole auditorium at his will. Ava phases through and disarms everyone fast. Even with no powers Yelena runs around quickly dodging bullets and immobilizing the criminals. Justin cheered for them just alright. But he also turned off the robot dogs and used some of the flash grenades when necessary.

At the end of the showdown all the criminals were gathered at the podium. Bruce scrubbed his hands with a pride smile as if he did something at all. The gesture clarified that the threat was indeed neutralized so all the people in the crowd got up and started clapping at them. Justin waved his hands with a bright smile.

"Come on guys, it's the least we could do."

"What is happening?" Ava grabbed her arms is a slight self hug.

"Don't you see?" Hulk whispered to her, "You're the heroes!"

The sentence made John move his shoulders awkwardly. We are the heroes!, He whispered to himself. Yelena giggled because she totally heard that. She grabbed one of John's hands and one of Ava's hands and curved to the crowd as if they were actors in a play. Ava and John looked at each other and decided to bound as well. The cheers went louder.

The Contessa finally came back. She looked worried.

"What the fuck is going on?"

"We are the heroes, Val!" Justin winked at her before grabbing John's shield and bound as well.

[vozvrate]

winter guard #1 or WHY AREN’T YOU FLYING THE PLANE?????? LIKE I’M SURE YELENA IS A FANTASTIC PILOT BUT YOU LITERALLY HAVE ONE SKILLSKET THAT SUPERCEDES ALL OTHERS AND THAT’S YOUR FUCKING ABILITY TO FLY A PLANE MY GO D-

Leads: Alexei Shostakov aka Red Guardian & Yelena Belova aka White Widow. Characters: Carol Danvers, Black Widow, Crimson Dynamo, Red Widow, Vostok, Perun, Chernobog, Vanguard, Darkstar & Ursa Major. Mentioned: Jennifer Walters aka She-Hulk. Teams: Winter Guard & Avengers. Programs: Red Room and Wolf Spider Spec Ops. Written by Ryan Cady

Background: Jennifer Walters aka She-Hulk was arrested by the Winter Guard for crimes against the Russian government, assumed kidnapped and tortured, and any agent affiliated with the Russian intelligence community who disclosed anything about Walters’ arrest will be prosecuted or otherwise punished by the Russian government. The Avengers are incredibly invested in finding Walters and opposing the Winter Guard.

We start off in the Avengers Secure Holding Facility in an undisclosed location in the Pacific Northwest. Yelena Belova is being interrogated by Carol Danvers under suspicion that she worked with the Winter Guard involving Walters’ arrest.

The Wolf Spider Spec Ops group attempts to break her out in order to capture or kill her for her assumed admission to the Avengers regarding Walters and she escapes in the process. Before a Spider can kill her Black Widow gets her out on the back of her motorcycle (this is sapphic culture we stan) and takes Yelena to her San Francisco Base of Operations where Natalya informs her that the Winter Guard is at war with the Avengers and that her reluctance to join sides means she will continue to be a Person of Interest to the Avengers.

(She’s referred to as the White Widow multiple times??? I’m not sure what the basis for this is, I haven’t read enough comics with Yelena to know if this is a new thing, but it does put her in direct thematic contrast to the main baddie of the comic: Red Widow. However the whole Black Widow, White Widow, Red Widow thing is giving very much Suess energy.)

Yelena discloses to Natalya that she’s working alongside Alexei because they have similar interests in the motherland and that their mission did not involve anyone else, including the Guard, or at least it wasn’t supposed to. She doesn’t want any of the Guard dead. Her relationship with the Guard here I believe is supposed to be a reference to the broader theme of Yelena’s (& many Russian people’s) complicated and nuanced relationship to her homeland as well as a storyline that hasn’t been revealed yet.

Mikhail, Ursa Major, is revealed to have been killed, although not by an Avenger, but at the hands of “Red Widow,” a mysterious Red Room graduate that Natalya describes as possibly inhuman. The main story of the comic begins as Yelena agrees to tell Natalya why “Alexei and I went home...and why I do not hate the Winter Guard.” 

Three weeks before...

Yelena and Alexei are working together to break into a highly secure base in order to steal mission details for something called Operation Snowblind, the Red Guardian’s last assignment.

Red Widow is shown working for the Security Council and leading the Winter Guard.

As she’s assigning the task of hunting Yelena and Alexei down she describes Alexei as the U.S.S.R’s “failed response to Captain America,” “declared MIA after the Cold War,” and “resurfaced in the United States after rotting away for years in prison.” But also frames him as a childhood hero for most of those present at the meeting. She describes Yelena as “Yelena Belova aka White Widow, aka Black Widow, aka the Red Room’s second biggest mistake.”

There’s a throwaway line where Red Widow mentions that the Winter Guard doesn’t question orders. But several members like Darkstar, Crimson Dynamo (the defacto leader), and Ursa Major express discomfort at their assignment.

Crimson Dynamo aka Dmitri Bukharin comments that hunting down Yelena may be in their purview but that Alexei was a national hero and he didn’t agree to lead this new iteration of the Winter Guard to be a hit squad. Vanguard aka Nikolai Krylenko seen above in red, says Alexei may never have been someone to idolize and if he was, that person is long dead and that those who looked up to him should be the ones to bring him down anyway.

Alexei and Yelena recover the hard drive containing information on Operation Snowblind. Yelena is skeptical of the hard drive’s worthiness of the impending fight with the Winter Guard and Alexei responds with the Russian proverb: “What the pen writes the axe cannot erase.”

Yelena engages the Winter Guard while Alexei secures an “exit strategy.” The only remarkable thing from the fight was this weird interaction between Mikhail and Yelena (and yes, Mikhail, as in the guy Natalya said the Red Widow killed 3 weeks from now):

I’m holding out hope but the stereotyping so far is either purposeful in order to be refuted and used later but right now it’s in place of Mikhail having an actual personality. I have no earthly, yawning fuck why it was necessary to mention that Yelena smells like Alexei in this other than bearlore but ok. Reading forward this dynamic can be inferred, at least to me, as a very close friendship or allyship that eventually turned adversarial as Mikhail and Yelena continue to snipe at each other’s choice of work:

This is interesting twofold: one, we have no idea what Operation Snowblind is and why it would make Yelena choose to forgo her usual operational mystique in order to obtain the hard drive, but from what is shown in Widowmakers she’s disillusioned by the government and contract work in general and may be moving onto more loftier pursuits in the name of the Russian people. Two, it’s interesting in a story building sense because Yelena’s love for her country being directly at odds with that country’s love for her is very relevant in modern Russia:

WIDOWMAKERS PANEL 1:

WIDOWMAKERS PANEL 2:

...i digress.

During Yelena’s fight with the Guard Alexei is doing something with the hard drive (???) and is interrupted by Vanguard, who’s wearing an iteration of the Red Guardian’s OG suit, he then boomerangs the kid through a window which was funny. But if I have to suffer through this boomerang again after waiting until 2019 to get a proper shield I’m rioting.

I simply hate him, your honor. 

Anyway, Alexei reveals there’s a traitor in the Winter Guard who’s helping him, he then presses a button and blows up Crimson Dynamo. Darkstar appears like she might have gotten to Dmitri quick enough but I think the implication is that he’s dead or critically injured.

Red Widow pursues Alexei and Yelena as they run to the plane, but Yelena incapacitates her. From the following panel I think that Red Widow and Yelena are going to become dedicated enemies moving forward.

The issue ends with Yelena chiding Alexei for murdering or attempting to murder Crimson Dynamo. From what Alexei says, Operation Snowblind has something to do with the “enlightening of superheroes” which he describes as “rarely a painless process” therefore murder is justifiable, I guess?? It’s still not clear if the spy working with Alexei is Red Widow or someone else entirely.

I didn’t mind this issue. Clearly it's attempting to tie in different themes from the film in order to pull in the movie’s audience, but I don’t hate it. What I’m getting more nervous of is another fucking villain arc for Alexei. They appear to be setting him up as a foil for Yelena: Modern Russia vs Soviet Ideals. I really hope this isn’t the case or if it is I hope he’s redeemed in a way that doesn’t involve another death. 

The next issue is released September 29.