#but then if they were visiting our house they would. eat all our unhealthy snacks.

[theshadowrealmitself]

I like to think that Vulcans who come to understand that Humans just can’t try to process emotions the same way as them, it’s just healthiest to let it out in harmless ways, decide that venting and stuff should be taken just as seriously as Vulcan’s meditation time, and will encourage the Humans around them to complain about what’s upsetting them

People who are used to aloof Vulcans who avoid Humans at all cost running into one comforting a Human

“-and then they said my cheesecake was subpar, and they didn’t even bring a dish!!!”

“The purpose of this event was that every participant brings a food item of sorts, correct?”

“Yeah!!”

“And they did not follow this rule while insulting dishes that were brought?”

“Mostly just my dish but yeah >:(“

“How illogical”

“That’s what I’m saying!!!”

[alohaofficial]

What's good about healthy snacks?

According to data compiled by the United States Department of Agriculture (USDA), the average American consumes 2.2 snacks daily, with the sum of these meals accounting for as much as 25% of their daily caloric intake (USDA). The health of someone who regularly consumes large quantities of snacks should be considered a major factor. However, eating unhealthy snacks can lead to weight gain and other health concerns, whereas eating nutritious snacks can have many positive effects. This highlights the significance of watching one's calorie intake and limiting one's serving size.

Snacks can improve a person's diet in a number of ways, including increasing nutritional consumption, maintaining energy levels, facilitating recovery from exercise, and providing a wide variety of nutritious food alternatives. It's true that some snack foods can boost dietary quality. Examples of foods that are exceptionally high in nutrients include those from the vegetable, fruit, and meat categories. Fruits and vegetables, essential to good health, are underrepresented in the typical American's diet. Tuna on whole grain crackers, oatmeal, fresh fruit and yogurt, and freshly cut vegetables are all great options for snacking.

People who have trouble controlling their blood sugar levels may benefit from eating snacks. The glucose levels in the blood will increase after a snack and then fall again. One of the many benefits of snacking is preventing a sharp drop in blood sugar between meals. Snacks such as carrots with bean dip are a good example of a high-fibre, high-protein option. Since it takes a while for this snack to digest, it won't cause a spike in blood sugar if you eat it between meals. People with diabetes should pay close attention to this.

After a workout, eating something nutritious might help restore energy and get you back to your normal routine faster. An apple and a cheese stick, both high in carbohydrates and protein, would make a great post-workout snack. The optimum benefits will be achieved if you eat that snack within the first 15 to 30 minutes following your workout. Yogurt, a banana, and peanut butter on toast are all healthy alternatives that will help you recuperate and supply you with the nutrition you need. If you want to cut back on unhealthy snacking, keep some healthy options on hand. When hunger strikes, it can be helpful to have some healthy snacks ready to eat.

If only unhealthy options were offered, people might grow too hungry and turn to unhealthy snacks. Whole fruits, chopped veggies, cottage cheese, and whole-grain crackers are all simple snacks to keep on hand. These may be "healthy" options, but that doesn't mean you should gorge yourself on them. Too much of these can still cause weight gain. So, keeping an eye on serving sizes should become second nature when cooking nutritious snacks and meals.

Based on everything we've seen, it's clear that eating nutritious snacks is extremely advantageous to the body. If you need a fast pick-me-up before leaving the house, making and storing snacks in the fridge ahead of time will come in handy. It may also aid in picking a healthier snack over the unhealthy one. That will cause you to eat more healthful, nutrient-dense foods throughout the day. Such nutritious munchies can aid post-workout recovery, boost mood, and provide sustained energy.

Visit the Aloha Right Now online store to take advantage of our time-sensitive deal on Hawaiian snacks. Do you find yourself wondering what some of our Hawaiian delicacies are like to eat? Shopping in the discount section of Aloha Right Now is the smartest thing you can do if you want to save a bit of cash and sample some delicious snacks from Hawaii.

[bokutosworld]

sick day | tsukishima kei

pairing: tsukishima kei x gn!reader  word count, genre: 1.7k words, college au, fluff, childhood friends to maybe lovers.  warning: none!  summary: you and tsukishima have been friends for as long as the both of you can remember. and when you’re down with the flu, he’s left with no choice but to take care of you. 

“Can you drop by their home and give them this paper?” 

Tsukishima stares blankly at the piece of paper and back at the girl who approached him. He hasn’t even gotten up from his chair when Yachi stopped him. 

He already knows who she was referring to and was quick to turn her down. “Move. I’m packing my bag.” 

The girl grumbles, moving out of the way but continues, “Come on! You know where they live.”

“Correction, you know it too.” Tsukishima retorts. He walks past her, striding with his long legs over to the door and exiting. But Yachi was hot on his trail. “Why don’t you do it yourself?” 

Yachi groans, “I would but I’m too busy with the school paper right now. I have to head to the office to assist in lay-outing this month’s release.” She stops in her tracks, catching Tsukishima’s wrist and turning him around. “You live in the same neighborhood. Please, I promise I’ll repay you.” 

She waves the paper in front of him, and eventually, he’s left with no choice but to do the task. He sighs before snatching the form and turning on his heel, “You owe me.” 

— 

As he walks the familiar route towards home, he wonders about the last time he saw you in campus. It had actually been three days since then. Worried, his mind runs about hundreds of possibilities about why you hadn’t showed up in classes.  

The only possible thing that he could think of was that you were down with a flu. This predicament that he was in right now oddly reminds him of a time in middle school when you were absent for a week because of a severe cold. Growing up, he’s noticed that you were extremely prone to getting sick and Tsukishima always berates you for not taking care of yourself properly. Especially during flu season. 

When he passes by a convenience store, he decides to buy some instant porridge, water, and medicine. He wonders if your family were at home but gets the answer that he was looking for when he’s arrived in front of your house with the lights off. 

He eyes the building and notices the faint light coming from the side which he knows was your room.

Tsukishima enters the door, unlocking it with ease as he inputs the passcode he’s known since the both of you were kids. He feels for the switch on the wall and turns the lights open. 

He makes his way to the kitchen and places everything on the counter. He’s in the process of boiling some water when he hears footsteps walking closer. 

“Who’s there?” Your voice sounds weak and when Tsukishima turns, he sees you, cozily bundled in a hoodie and holding on to a blanket as you lean on the wall for support. 

He’s quick on his feet to help and sit you down on a chair. “You shouldn’t have left your bed,” he mutters under his breath. 

You recognize the voice, “Kei? What are you doing here?” 

He was back on the counter, opening the pack of porridge and filling it with water to cook for five minutes. He hands you a glass of water and you down it. “Yachi told me to tell you about our final project in Literature.” He takes the paper from his bag and sticks it on the refrigerator with a magnet. “Here’s the reference. Don’t lose it.” 

You manage to let out a small chuckle. “Look at you, being kind for once.” 

“Shut up.” But his words say otherwise when the look in his eyes are soft, watching over you to make sure you didn’t fall from the chair. “Where’s everybody?” 

You put your head on the table and groan. “They’re out to visit the grandparents in the countryside. Said I couldn’t make it because of school requirements but here I am.” 

“You’ve been alone this whole time?”

“Yeah,” you say with a yawn.  

He tuts at you to show his disapproval, “Why didn’t you tell anyone you were sick?” 

“Eh, no one would have bothered anyway.” 

He hands you the hot dish and you take it with a whispered thanks. You devour it in silence, relishing in the warmth that fills your body. Tsukishima hangs back, saying nothing and only observes as you eat what looks like the first decent meal you’ve had since you’ve been sick. 

“I would.”  

His sudden answer almost makes you sputter the food out from your mouth. You look at him, and though it was dark, you could make out his features and the way he was staring at you with such intensity. 

“I mean, I’m here now, aren’t I?” He takes a seat beside you, taking the cup from your hands and feeding you the last few scoops. “My parents would have made me come here either way to check on you.” 

You curse the way your heart flutters at his words. The heat on your cheeks not anymore caused by your fever but by Tsukishima who was sitting way too close for your comfort and helping you finish the porridge. After he gives you the medicine, he extends his arm out and you look at him in question. 

“Come on, I’m bringing you back to your room.” When you don’t make a move, he pulls you up to your feet and hooks one arm around your waist to keep you steady by his side. The two of you begin the slow trek to your room. 

He’s careful to lay you down on the mattress, cradling your head as he fluffs and positions the pillow under you. You seem to be already lost in your dreams when he pulls the blanket over your body, tucking you in and making sure you were warm. When he’s done, he kneels down by the side of your bed and gazes at you. 

He’s transfixed on memorizing the outlines of your face—the one thing he’d never admit he always liked to do whenever he went to your house for sleepovers years ago. Absentmindedly, he traces your features, sighing as he wanted so badly to tell you off about not properly taking care of yourself.

“Kei.” 

Surprised, he pulls back his hand, “What?” He knows you’d tease him to no end when you saw what he was doing. 

“You should be like this all the time,” you say sleepily with a smile. “Who knew you had a sweet and caring side in you?”

He smirks, “Don’t push your luck.” He puts the back of his hand on your forehead to determine whether your fever has gone down. It was still hotter than normal and Tsukishima only sighs, “You should really learn to look after yourself.” 

Burying yourself deeper in the blankets, you hum, “But I like having you take care of me.” 

He’s surprised, mostly at the way your voice sounded so calm and soft when you said those words. Because he knows that on any other day, you’d have responded with a smart quip and maybe a punch to his arm. He’s aware it could be the flu talking, making you bare your true feelings similarly to how a drunk man would reveal their sober thoughts. But will you remember them when you wake up tomorrow? 

He laughs quietly before leaning to press a kiss to your temple, “I don’t mind it too.” 

But you were already fast asleep to have heard anything. 

—

The following day, you woke up as if you never had intense fever the night before. The bad headache and chills that you felt was gone and you could move your body without feeling heavy. So not wanting to miss out more on lectures, you got ready and finally went back to school. 

To say that Yachi was overjoyed to see you was an understatement. Your friend sighed of relief and ran to tackle you with a hug the second she saw you step foot on campus. She caught you up to speed about everything that has happened and the tasks that your professors on your shared classes has assigned. 

The two of you were settling in your seats when she remembers, “By the way, did you receive the paper about our Literature project? I had Tsukishima bring it to you.” 

“Really? I didn’t receive anything.” 

And just as she was about to complain about Tsukishima, the door opens loudly and the said boy enters the room. 

“Oh, Kei! Great timing, we were just talking about you,” you greeted as your childhood friend headed straight to your desks. 

Meanwhile, Yachi complained, “Tsukishima, I told you to pass over the reference to them.”  

The boy just walked past her, and stopped in front of you. He stuck out a pack of banana milk (your favorite drink) and some fruits, making you confused at the sudden gesture.

“What’s this?” 

“You skip your breakfasts, right?” You were shocked that he knew about your unhealthy habit. “I don’t want you getting sick again so make sure you eat properly.” 

Yachi’s jaw dropped at his nice attitude. You’re wary as you take drink and snacks from his hand, looking at him as if he grew another head on his body. “You’re being suspicious, Kei. What do you need?” 

He takes the seat beside you, laughing when he turns towards you with a wicked smile that has your heart beating faster. 

“I’m just doing what I need to do as your friend.” He resumes to fix his things on the table. “Besides, weren’t you the one who said you liked me taking care of you?” 

You stutter, cheeks feeling hot as vague snippets from when Kei visited you and took care of you came flashing in your mind. Yachi was now giggling and congratulating you for finally confessing. As you watched the grin on his face, you wished for a hole to appear on the ground and swallow you whole. 

Because your crush on your longtime childhood friend was something you never wanted him to know. 

But that thought was quickly erased when Tsukishima leaned close and whispered, 

“For what it’s worth, I like you too.” 

And since then, Tsukishima started keeping you close and took care of you in the little ways he knows how just so you never have to experience a sick day again. 

[nad-zeta]

Midnight snack

Fandom: Ikemen Sengoku

Pairings: Shingen x reader

Genre: Fluff

Comments: Eeeeek Merry Christmas mamaaaaaa!!🌈❤! Whooop whoooop! 🎄🎄Hope you have the greatest Christmas, eat lots of food, drink lots of wine, and laugh lots!!! Love ya lots mama!!! Sending all the Christmas sparkles your way!!☺❤🌈❤

｡.*:・’ﾟ:｡.*:ﾟ･’ﾟﾟ:。’ .*:・’ﾟ:｡.*:ﾟ･’ﾟﾟ:。’･ﾟ｡.*:・’ﾟ: ｡.*:・’ﾟ:｡.*:ﾟ･’ﾟ

Shingen awoke to the sound rustling coming from beyond his bedroom door. Alarmed, his large muscular arm reached over to check on you, only to find your side of the bed empty. You must have just left, as the bed still held traces of your lingering warmth.

Wiping the sleep from his eyes, he glanced over to see the red flickering of the alarm beside him— 3am— far too early for either of you to be up at such an unholy hour. He swung his legs over the edge of the bed, placing his feet firmly in the fluffy dark brown and red reindeer slippers you had gotten him last Christmas. A statement piece to match your own, you had proudly declared wiggling your feet with your own ironically ugly Christmas slippers on.

The house was silent as a mouse as he trod down the long hallway, the only light coming from the flashing of the reindeer’s nose with each step he took. He peeked a cautious eye into the little ones’ rooms to find them still sound asleep— Christmas lists under their pillows for Santa to find. Except for Yuki, of course, that boy had about as much trust in Santa as he did in his uncle Nobunaga— from him, all Santa got was a room full of booby traps. Shingen knew it was a mistake starting the Home Alone Christmas tradition— it gave the boys far too many troublesome ideas.

Creaking the door closed to a crack once more, he ventured onwards, taking hushed tiptoes further down the hallway until he arrived at your living room. The warm crackings of the dying embers created a flickering glow that highlighted a slumped over figure, happily munching away like a little midnight mouse.

“And what do we have here, a visit from the angel of Christmas,” he leaned down to whisper in your ear, his nose nuzzling your temple as his arms found residence around your waist.

He chuckled at the way you jumped from your seat, visible gooseflesh making its way to the surface of your skin as the chocolate cinnamon cookie you had been munching on fell to the plate. Caught in the act, evidence of your crime smeared across your cheek. His smile deepened when you playfully swatted at him, your hand coming to rest over your galloping heart. His finger grazed your cheek, removing the stray drop of ganache as he took up residence beside you.

Leaning his chin on his hands, his smoky eyes roved over the plate of cookies you were busy demolishing, and a teasing grin made its way to his lips. “I see the goddess of Christmas has taken to eating cookies at 3 am.”

“What! If it’s good enough for Santa, it’s good enough for me,” you replied, taking another bite into the spiced star-shaped biscuit.

Heaving a chuckle, Shingen hummed in response, far be it for him to deny you the sugary treat; after all, he was just as guilty as you, except he kept his in the bedside drawer— buried far in the depths of a hidden compartment. Of course, he had to hide the sugar, else the younger ones would surely sniff it out, or worse, the oldest would flip the cards and give him a scolding lecture about the unhealthiness of too much sugar consumption.

Not able to resist the temptations of a sugary midnight snack, he too picked up one of the double chocolate chip cookies and pooped it into his mouth.

“It would certainly be a shame if ‘Santa’ didn’t sample all of our little angel’s cookies.”

One after the other, the two of you polished off the biscuits left for the fictional fat man in red. As the last cookie was shared in half between the two of you, Shingen couldn’t help but smile; he could already picture the kids boasting about how Santa loved the cookies so much that he cleared the plate.

With stomachs full and chocolate milk drunk, it would be hard for anyone not to feel the pull of sleep beckoning.

You indeed appeared to be feeling the effects of the sandman. Shingen’s eyes shone fondly at the cute way you tried to keep awake. However, it seemed to be a losing battle as your eyes remained closed longer and longer between blinks, and a heavy yawn escaped you as you started swaying forward.

Stifling a yawn of his own, Shingen took you by the hand and led you to the black leather couch in front of the dying fireplace. He pulled you down to rest against his chest and pulled the soft white blanket over the two of you.

He drew lazy circles on your back as he watched your eyes finally flutter closed. Dropping a kiss atop your head, it wasn’t before long before his own eyes followed suit, being lulled back to sleep by your soft snores and warm comfort—a well-deserved few more hours of rest for the both of you, before the chaos that the morning would bring.

[punkpoemprose]

I Love You Pumpkin- A Kristanna Week “Yellow” Fic

Universe: Modern AU Rating: G (It’s just fluff y’all) Length: 2826 Words

For day 3, yellow, I went with concepts of “harvest” and “joy” to make a little pumpkin farm date AU. I threatened to write one of these a while back after going on a pumpkin farm date with my boyfriend, but didn’t finish it for Halloween. I hope y’all will enjoy it anyway!

Anna took Kristoff's hand as he helped her out of his truck. He was, as always, the most courteous man she'd ever met. It was just in his nature, she thought, to take care of others. Since they'd started dating she'd truly come to notice and appreciate just how second nature it was for him to help. 

It was one of the things she loved most about him, his willingness to step up and support her. She was glad for it, because it coincided with a particular inability on his part to ever say no to her. She knew that it was silly to plan a whole day around going to a pumpkin farm meant for children without bringing any children along, and yet when she'd suggested it, he'd just smiled and nodded and let her make the arrangements appropriately. 

"I'm so excited!" 

She was barely able to contain her desire to bounce up and down in her seat when she spotted a little hand painted sign with the farm's name just ahead on the path leading away from the gravel parking lot. She hadn’t ever gone to a pumpkin farm, at least not that she could remember. Her family didn’t do many outings at all after Elsa got sick, and while she’d been reassured by many that she hadn’t missed out on much, she still felt that she had missed something.

Kristoff understood. He’d had all those childhood experiences that Anna craved, but he’d had them after turning eight, when his parents adopted him and strove to give him the childhood that every other normal kid had. He understood that while most people didn’t think a trip to the pumpkin farm was important, it was important to Anna. For him, she knew, that was enough a reason to take the half hour drive.

"I noticed," he teased, squeezing her hand a couple times as he swung the passenger side door shut, "You were bouncing your foot the whole way here. You only do that when you're nervous or excited and I figured my driving couldn't have been that bad, so it must just be the pumpkin farm anticipation."

Anna smirked, squeezing his hand back and rocking up onto her tiptoes to press a kiss against his cheek.

“You’re an excellent driver. I trust you completely. I don’t even grab onto the door like I do when Elsa drives.”

He grinned at the compliment and chuckled at the mention of her sister’s driving. It wasn’t exactly a secret that Elsa was a bit of a distracted driver, often too caught up in her own thoughts to notice someone in front of her braking until the last second.

She pressed close to his side as he led them toward the gravel path that led to the pumpkin farm. It was a warm afternoon for autumn, the morning had been frosty but the light breeze didn’t chill Anna in her flannel and bluejeans, nor did it seem to affect Kristoff. It carried on it the scent of popcorn and something sweet.

“I read on the website that they have a fudge house,” he said, either noticing the scent for himself or being somehow able to sense Anna’s mouth already watering, “Is that going to have to be our first stop, or?”

Anna shook her head as the many small buildings of the farm came into her view. She could see the sign posts just ahead pointing to the different attractions offered by the farm, among them being spooky displays, a haunted haywagon ride, a small family friendly corn maze, a barnyard, and of course, the pumpkin patch. Sprinkled between there were small shops selling snacks and small trinkets that Anna already knew she’d be picking up before they left. 

“Of course not. They have a barnyard, we have to start there.”

She felt Kristoff bump into her side playfully and rocked her hip over to bump him in return.

“Of course, how could I be so foolish. It’s not as if you’ve ever seen a chicken or pig or goat before.”

She had, on more than one occasion, visited his family’s small farm and while there petted their livestock and most recently spent time picking apples from their orchard. She hadn’t been raised in a large city, but she had been far enough into town that she hadn’t spent much time around animals as a child. Helping her collect eggs for his mother and bringing her to see their newest goat when it was newborn were other ways he’d tried to help fill in gaps for her. They were experiences she treasured, particularly the memory of him, hand over hand, helping her to bottle feed the small kid.

“I’ll have you know sir,” she said with mock annoyance, “That they have a mini horse.”

He lifted both hands in surrender, picking up hers with his as he did so, not releasing it even as he teased her.

“Well then, that changes everything.”

***

After the time spent speaking in a baby voice to the miniature horse, Anna brought Kristoff along with her to look into each and every little display set up on the property. They tossed coins into a witch’s cauldron in return for a wish, watched as a skeleton popped out of a steamer trunk, and spent some time listening to children speaking to a giant talking pumpkin, asking her questions about her life to which she promptly replied.

“You’d be great at that job,” Kristoff mentioned as an aside as they walked away from the children.

“Being the lady on the other end of the microphone in the pumpkin?”

“Well,” Kristoff offered, “I don’t think she’s actually in the pumpkin, I assume it’s an intercom situation, but yes. You’re great with kids and you’re smart so I think you’d come up with quick answers and keep the magic for them.”

Anna felt her heart skip at the compliment, but Kristoff carried on walking them toward the fudge house like it had been nothing to say something so kind. She often wondered whether he knew how much he affected her when he said things like that, or when he casually reached for her hand, or when he kissed her, even chastely. There were days where she thought she might catch fire under the warmth and multitude of his affections, and he never acted as if it were anything more than natural.

She sometimes imagined a future where he was like that with their kids, kind and loving, doling out praise and affection easily and with little pomp and circumstance. His free way of giving affection, even when he was cranky and acting gruff was one of her favorite things about him.

“I guess I should inquire for next season then if things don’t go well with my teaching job.”

He smirked and leaned down to kiss her on the cheek quickly as they walked behind a building out of the sight of prying eyes.

“They love you there, you’re the best third grade teacher they’ve ever had. I saw the crayon drawings on your fridge to prove it. I don’t expect you’ll need the job. Unless of course, you’re planning on buying enough fudge to fill my truck, because then you might want to think about it.” 

***

She didn’t buy enough fudge to fill his truck in the least, buying two large pieces, one for herself and one to give her sister if she didn’t eat it on the ride home. Kristoff had bought them both cider and doughnuts that they called an unhealthy pre-dinner snack before buying their tickets for the corn maze and hay wagon ride. 

The afternoon had dimmed down and night approached nearer, and while the corn maze hadn’t been much match for them, Kristoff being able to see the exit the whole time due to the way they’d cut the corn down shorter for the kids, the hayride proved to be quite fun. As they passed by different “haunts” on the path the tractor and wagon took, they worked together to spot little secrets or decorations that made the displays even more interesting.

Kristoff had been the one to notice a lightning rod in the woods behind Frankenstien’s monster, and Anna had been the one to tell him that one of the monster masks on the trees had been painted, scuffed up, and generally repurposed from a kid’s superhero costume. A scarecrow with glowing eyes caught Anna off guard, and Kristoff had taken the opportunity to pull her closer to his side as she jumped. 

While it wasn’t truly frightening, and while the air wasn’t quite cold yet, Anna had been happy to have the excuse to cuddle in close to him. Leaning her head against his shoulder as they chatted a bit more about the displays and discussed their thoughts on what pumpkin they should purchase before leaving.

***

“We have to get the ugly one Kris,” she said, purposefully giving him puppy dog eyes and sticking out her lower lip. 

Of course she knew that the theatrics were unnecessary and that he would consent to any pumpkin she chose, but it was all part of the fun. She had to convince him to love the oddly shaped, warty, off kilter pumpkin as much as she did.

“No one else will pick him, and he deserves a home for Halloween. It’s like the tree in Charlie Brown. It’s not such a bad little pumpkin.”

Looking directly at her, she saw him trying to hold a stone face. His eyes betrayed too much mirth though, for any real protest to be present in his thoughts. 

“Maybe,” he said with a sigh, a smile forming quickly on his lips as he cracked, “If we carve enough out of the one side, he’ll balance better. If not I’ll grab some shims and we’ll give him a support system to keep him standing up on the porch.”

She excitedly lifted the pumpkin from the ground at his approval and acted as if she didn’t watch his hands twitch as she carried the large gourd towards the checkout stand. Many others had caught her eye as they walked through the neat rows of pumpkins and squash, but this oddly shaped one had called to her. It was awkward to carry, and while Kristoff didn’t offer to take it from her as she hefted it along, she saw him in her periphery putting his hands into his pocket so as to not reach for it. 

“I’ll pay the man,” he said, clearly not being ready to watch the balancing act that would ensue if Anna were to hold the pumpkin in one arm and try to riffle through her purse with the other. 

She thought it might be funny to attempt it, if only to see his crabby side come out for a moment. He was never mean, of course, but he did sometimes grumble like an old man, and she often found it enjoyable to kiss the crankiness out of him.

It was a pastime of hers that she found he also enjoyed.

With the pumpkin paid for and their adventures concluded for the day, they set off for his truck once more, the sky getting darker by the minute, but still bright enough to see quite well by.

“So,” he asked as he loaded their pumpkin into the back of his truck, paying particular attention to ensuring that it would not roll despite its odd shape’s propensity to do so, “Was this the pumpkin farm experience of your dreams?”

Anna nodded, seeing the pumpkin successfully loaded, and turning to open the door to the truck.

“All that I could dream of and more,” she said, patting her purse where the remainder of her chocolate fudge, as well as her sister’s piece were located, “Thank you for coming with me. I had a great time.”

He stepped around to her side of the truck, offering her his hand as she stepped up to enter the cab, releasing it only when she was seated so that he could close the door behind her.

She watched from the passenger seat as he shoved his hands back into his pockets and walked around the truck to enter his side. 

There was a bit of an odd look on his face, like he was mulling something over in the short five step walk. His hand was still in his pocket when he opened the door with the other and climbed in, swinging it shut, a bit awkwardly, with the hand that was not in the pocket.

“I’m glad you had fun… I’d like to make everyday… no, that’s not it…”

He was mumbling a bit and Anna offered him a confused look and a tilt of her head. He wasn’t usually a man who started saying something and cut himself off unless he was still thinking about what he wanted to say, or unless he was trying to say something important.

“Anna, everyday I’m with you is an adventure. I never thought that I was the type of man who wanted to wake up to a surprise everyday, but I guess it’s no surprise that I love you, and if pumpkin farm dates and ugly gourds and small animals are what you love then I guess I love those things too. If you’ll let me, I want take you on adventures, and hold your hand for as long as we can.”

He pulled his hand from his pocket, and in the quickly dimming light of the afternoon turned evening, she saw a small shining ring in his large palm.

“Anna, what I want to ask you is… will you make me the happiest man alive and do me the honor of letting me call you my wife?”

***

The ring was beautiful and unique, the stone in the center being a beautiful yellow-orange, flanked on either side by smaller stones set into leaf-like shapes. Anna could hardly breathe, let alone speak, so for a moment she simply flapped her hands in surprise as the tears rolled down her cheeks. She nodded yes quickly, and managed to choke it out as he watched her with a shy smile.

“I’m sorry this wasn’t as special as I wanted it to be, but I’ve been trying to find the right time for weeks, and I tried to take you out to dinner last week but I got called into work and I wanted to do it with your sister there so you could have her and…”

Anna leaned across the console of his truck and wrapped her arms around him, the hug not quite as full as she wanted it to be with the separation. She kissed him fully on the lips when she got him close enough, stopping his apology in the middle as she showed him exactly how perfect he’d made the proposal, and every moment of every day before it since they’d met. 

They sat like that for a long while, pulling each other close and kissing and smiling and wiping away happy tears, until finally he slid the ring onto her finger and they were content to take a moment to breathe with their hands clasped atop the console.

“I was so nervous tonight,” he admitted, his thumb running along hers as he spoke.

She shot him a look of surprise, then laughed. 

“You didn’t seem nervous at all. You never seem nervous when we’re alone together.”

He smiled at her in return and shook his head, “I was checking my pocket every ten seconds for the ring and then I kept wondering everytime we did something. Is it the right time? Should I propose in front of the mini-horse or on the hayride?”

She couldn’t help but snort at the idea of being proposed to in front of a miniature pony. She probably would have loved it in the moment though, given it was Kristoff proposing.

“This was perfect. Just you and me, in your car, knowing that we’ll get to show all our friends and family later but just having the moment for ourselves. It was perfect.”

“Well, just so we don’t slight anyone… we could send the mini horse a wedding invite.”

She swatted him playfully and fell back into her seat, releasing his hand so that she could put on her seat belt.

“Or we could head to your parents house now and inform them… and maybe also the goat.”

“Do you want the goat in the wedding?”

“No,” she said, mentally making note to call her sister as soon as they were on the road and have her meet them at Kristoff’s parent’s place, “But if we have it on the farm it would be rude not to invite all the residents.”

She heard his laugh, rich and joyful, before she felt his arms wrap around her again, pulling her as close as possible for another kiss.

[multifandomfanficwriters]

Hi I really love ur fics and wondering if you could do an imagine with Dipper and just watching a movie while cuddling, thanks!

Movie Nights

Fandom: Gravity Falls

Pairing: Dipper x Reader

Words: 1258

Warnings: none

A/N: Oh hey look I’m not dead!! I’m really sorry it took me so long to write this nonie!! I hope it lived up to your expectations! If I have to be honest I’m really proud with this fic I really like how it turned out and I hope you like it too!

Hearing the microwave ding behind you, you turned around, opening it, carefully taking out the hot bag of popcorn and placing it on the kitchen counter next to the other two already slightly cooled down ones. Then you opened the cupboard and took out a large bowl. Carefully emptying the popcorn into the bowl, so as to not burn yourself, you didn’t notice the shadow of a figure slipping inside the kitchen.

-“Where did you say were the napkins?” A hesitant voice startled you. Letting your grip on the bag loosen a bit and spilling some of the popcorns as a small yelp left your lips, you turned around, ready to smack whomever this intruder may be only to be met with a confused and flustered Dipper. Sighing, relieved you didn’t have to face a burglar, you pointed to a drawer a bit to the side.

After a few years of knowing Dipper and several months of dating him, he had finally agreed for you to be the one to host you weekly movie night. It’s not like he hadn’t been to your house before. Of course, you had invited him numerous times but it was always for a short while and you parents were there too. Now, however, they had gone off to visit some distant relatives and left you alone at the house, knowing you didn’t exactly burn with desire to meet up with people who “have known you since you were a wee bit baby” but whom you couldn’t remember the names of for the life of you. Therefore, you thought that it would be a great opportunity to spend the night cuddled up next to your boyfriend and watch a good movie while munching on some snacks. And with that thought in mind you called him, expecting him to be happy that you didn’t have to bother his parents with your constant comments while watching movies in their living room. But to your surprise Dipper was somewhat hesitant as he reluctantly agreed.

You were currently preparing all kinds of snacks and drinks, from the popcorn you had just finished filling the bowl with and were now throwing away the paper bags and the ones you spilled when Dipper startled you to the ice cream and all the bottles of coke and your favorite kind of juice. In all honesty, you had enough food to feed a small army and you both knew it. But that didn’t stop you while you were filling the cart at the store. The food just kept piling while you were laughing you asses off and mentally thanking your parents for letting you use their credit cards.

These movie nights stated a few months into your friendship when you had invited the twins to come over to your house to study. However, Mabel had other plans for the weekend so when Dipper arrived at your door all you ended up doing that evening was watching movies until his parents came to pick him up. Ever since then it has been the same. You stocked up with all sorts of junk food that could last you for at least a few days and watched movies; every time different ones. And even though you always felt sick the next morning from all the unhealthy mixture of sweet and salty foods and fizzy drinks, it was all worth it.

Walking back to the living room you smiled at the comfortable nest of blankets and fluffy pillows Dipper had made in front of the TV. When you laid your eyes on your boyfriend, who was currently arranging your favorite drinks and foods closer to where you were going to sit, your smile grew bigger. Putting the bowl of popcorn on the coffee table you turned to Dipper who was standing on the other side of it. Even for a teenager his age, the awkwardness radiating off him was too much, considering that you had been friends for the past few years and were his significant other for over four months now.

-“What’s wrong? Are you not feeling well?” You asked him concerned.

-“What?! Oh no, no, I’m fine!” Dipper jumped surprised and held his hands in front of him as if to defend himself from your worry. He quickly sat down on the blankets and carefully organized pillows, moving aside a bit to make room for you as if you weren’t going to lean into him halfway through the movie.

You simply sat down, deciding not to question him for now and as you settled into a more comfortable position, you turned on the movie.

A good fifteen minutes had passed from the beginning of the movie when you leaned into Dipper, expecting him to put his hand around you and pull you closer. However, you were left surprised when he stiffened at your touch.

-“There’s something you’re not telling me. First, I had to convince you to come over for our weekly movie night and now I feel like you don’t want me near you. Did I do something wrong? Please Dipper. I’m just worried.” You said softly, eyes cast down not wanting to see his disappointed expression.

-“No!” He exclaimed. “You did nothing wrong! You could never do anything wrong. You’re perfect. I’m the one who messed up everything.” Dipper admitted shyly, scratching the back of his neck as a soft red hue covered his cheeks and the tips of his ears.

-”What do you mean?” You asked confused. “Dipper, please tell me you didn’t summon a creature from another realm and now we have to get it away from here before it destroys reality as we know it….again.” You deadpanned as you crossed your arms over your chest.

-”What? No, no! I promised I wouldn’t try anything like that ever again.” Dipper defended himself, a visible shiver running down his spine as he remembered the events from around half a year ago. “It’s just that…well…” He hesitated as he continued. Looking up at you from under his eyelashes, Dipper saw you patiently waiting for him to continue. “I’m nervous because this is the first time I’m going to spend the night at your house and because we’re going to be alone.” He finished in one breath, shutting his eyes tightly and hanging his head low, waiting for you to laugh at him.

Instead, Dipper felt a soft hand gently lift his face. Opening his eyes, he was met with your face, gentle as ever, a small smile gracing your lips and eyes holding an ocean of love only for him.

-”Is that all? I have to say, I should have guessed. I was a bit nervous the first time I had to spend the night at your place, too. But it’s okay. Just try to forget where we are and focus on the fact that we’re together and we’re going to do is watch a movie, make stupid jokes and eat a ton of junk food. That’s what helped me, at least.” You said sincerely, earning yourself a lopsided smile.

-”I’ll try. Thank you.” Dipper said with sparkling eyes, his cheerfulness you oh so loved returning as his nervousness melted away by the second.

With one last smile, which seemed to be permanently stuck on both of your faces, you turned your attention back to the TV, snuggling comfortably against each other for the rest of the movie. At that moment, you thought you couldn’t be happier but little did you know what life had prepared for the two of you.

[valiancyvulnerability]

Body Image and Young People

This is a big topic that has so many layers to it. I have been trying to collect my thoughts the past few days in order to try to cover as much as I could, so I am going to do my best.

I want to begin by going into detail about my battle with my own body over the years, in detail, in order to create a clear image about what goes through someone’s brain that is struggling with severe confidence issues.

I never was a skinny kid, necessarily, but sports were never truly my scene. Throughout my last few years of elementary school and middle school, I was pudgier than most of the kids in my grade, but I was not an unhealthy weight by any means. That being said, as I mentioned, I didn’t play sports, so I was already a target for people that felt superior to me as someone who wasn’t athletic and was “heavier”. This was the stem of my self-confidence issues, but it didn’t get to its worst until I was in high school.

I became accustomed to swimming fully clothed at pool parties, wearing clothes that were oversized in order to cover any lines or bumps that I felt like were flaws on my frame. If that meant wearing sweaters and sweatpants in the summer, then that’s what I needed to do. 

When I turned sixteen, I wanted to change my whole image into someone I wasn’t (see past blog posts) and started working out excessively and cut my eating almost entirely in order to lose weight, and in my head, get people to like me. I got results both physically and socially and ended up losing about twenty-five pounds, so I persisted. I was so focused on how I was viewed by people, that I failed to acknowledge the issue at hand until February of 2020.

My anxiety was at its peak and when Covid-19 hit, I found myself alone and focusing on nothing else but what I was eating, what I looked like, and what number the scale flashed back at me. I substituted all my meals with a powder drink that satisfied me for a few hours, and then I would repeat. I lost about twenty pounds in a month. 

The way this situation is different, though, is that I wasn’t attempting weight loss in order to please others, it was a competition with myself, and it wasn’t a friendly one. I didn’t view it as what it truly was until I started passing out. One afternoon, I got ready to take prom pictures with my friends with a local photographer in my town. I went to go pick up my friends and got out of the car and they started speaking to me, but I could hear nothing--I blacked. I started sweating and couldn’t form my sentences properly. I would get up and walk to my bedroom when I felt it coming, and I would just wipe out completely. I knew it was an issue, but it was not enough to get me to stop what I had already started, because I wanted results. Anytime we would get carry-out or I would eat an actual meal, I would return to my room and tremble, thinking about every bite of food I had just consumed.

Although I am on a more nourishing and healthy track now, it is still a daily occurrence where I want to slap myself across the face for eating breakfast, for going out to dinner with my family, or for having a snack now and then. I have spent many a night, alone, driving around screaming and crying at nothing simply for feeling the way I do. It’s almost an addictive behavior that I didn’t want to acquire, but the truth is that I did, and I am doing my best to overcome the obsession that gets in the way of my everyday routine, and we are getting somewhere.

Enough about me, though. The reason I am writing this in the first place is because I have so much to say as it’s something I know I am still personally dealing with, and I know the majority of people my age are. If we are being honest, we all would change something about our body if we could. Whether it be that we want to lose weight, or gain it, we all have our personal battles. In today’s day and age, though, it’s a more toxic world regarding body image and perception. Here is why.

SOCIAL MEDIA

As of 2019, teenagers often spent up to nine hours on social media on a daily basis. The most toxic platforms for young people struggling with their body, in my opinion, would be Instagram and TikTok. Because most social media apps are programmed to spit out information and content that interests the user, the posts that are viewed are specific to each individual. 

With Instagram, especially, everyone aspires to be an “influencer”. They are skinny, tan, have clear skin, travel, eat power foods, and young people love that. The reality is, is that most of us don’t live perfect lives like that, but we truly wish we did, so we want to get as close as we can.

With this, diet culture is a very popular concept among those wanting to bring a change to their bodies. Although this has been something that has been advertised for years now, mainly for adults, the new wave of diets for adolescents is scary. Most of them are malnourishing and can do more damage than one would think. Often times, though, they are bizarre or unheard of, but seem simple enough for someone who wants fast results. Because of this, once again, it’s easy for both myself and people my age to get reeled in quickly into that idea.

(I don’t want parents reading this to think that this necessarily entails that social media needs to be taken from their teenagers, but it is something to be aware of. Social media is a great way to stay connected (especially now) and gives us a voice to do good and bring change, as well.)

THE SOCIAL FACTOR

Because this is an issue that most of the youth deals with, whether it be minor or major, it can become a competition without intending it to be. If my friends are losing weight, why aren’t I? If they’re doing this diet, then I need to. They feel better about themselves than I do. What am I doing wrong? 

If you find yourself feeling like this too often, and it gets to a point where it gets in the way of your relationships, then it’s a conversation to be had. You shouldn’t have to feel like you are competing with those you hold close to you, but you also shouldn’t feel like you have to walk on eggshells every time you are with them to not say the wrong thing. Find some common ground, and support each other at times of insecurity.

High school can be a terrible atmosphere for someone who feels like their weight isn’t ideal. Teenagers are quick to make mindless comments and insults about people’s appearance. Whether it comes from a place of low self-esteem themselves or not, it doesn’t justify it, and this can be a direct and harsh cause of body image problems.

THE MENTAL FACTOR

If someone struggles with general anxiety, depression, or another mental condition, having your body as an enemy can sometimes heighten the severity of the issue as a whole. It truly goes hand in hand. For me, my anxiety was at its worst when my eating habits were at its worst. I was focused on what I was eating, focused on what the scale read back to me, and in the rare moments I wasn’t fixed on that, it was worrying about other things happening in my life. Everything was just raised to a higher degree.

The two words I have been trying to avoid so far, “eating disorder”, is something that I would love to say is just a false or dramatic phrase, but the reality is is that it’s a demon, and a real one. With the world of social media, again, they’re often glorified to be an artsy aesthetic to be achieved. Eating disorders does not mean “just not eating”. It can be anorexia, bulimia, binge eating, body dysmorphia, and because there are so many forms, it’s not always going to be apparent just looking at a person. Often times it isn’t. That is something to keep in mind, because one of the most damaging things for someone struggling with an ED is making them feel like their issues aren’t valid because it’s not physically obvious to you, or that someone else is worse off in your eyes.

HEALING

The first step that has helped me, personally, is just becoming comfortable. I need to become comfortable with myself in the way I am now for me to appreciate any way my body looks in the future. If I’m unhappy with myself now, when am I ever going to be happy, regardless of the supposed improvements I’m making? It’s been a tricky thing for me to figure out, but I force myself to go to pool parties, I hang out around the house sometimes just wearing underwear, so I can become familiar and comfortable with seeing myself and my body so I can reach a point to where that’s normal. 

The next thing is to follow the steps that you know are going to be beneficial and healthy for you. If that means working out to gain muscle, to lose weight, or dieting, then do it, BUT do it in such a way that is going to be, again, beneficial. Don’t go to the extremes for quicker results, because you will end up falling down a hole that will be hard to climb out of.

Lastly, if you see fit, go to therapy! There’s a large stigma around therapy as it makes people think that those who go are insane or can’t function on their own, which is far from the truth. Think of it as more of a helping hand from someone who has a different view and has solutions that may be overall helpful. Reading this blog is simply just how I see things, and that goes for any post I make. I am not a professional. I am not an expert. I am an eighteen year-old that just wants to share his experiences in order to bring awareness. There are many great therapists out there, and there are several websites you can visit to find one that meets your needs specifically.

I am overjoyed to see that the modeling industry, for example, is heading in a more positive direction as far as inclusivity goes. Plus-size models, LGBTQ+, and people of color are booking shows, spreads, and can be seen on billboards. This is just the start, and the rest lies within everyone as people to stop shaming others for their appearance, because if we didn’t from the beginning, there would be no reason for anyone to feel uncomfortable in their own skin to begin with. Imagine a world free of judgment for a moment. Imagine how differently every single person on the planet would be living. It’s something to think about.

I want to reiterate--don’t be afraid to ask for help! It is a direct demonstration of strength, rather than weakness, to admit that you need an outside source to help you get through whatever battle you may be experiencing.

And as always, be kind to one another and stay safe out there!

[roswellroamer]

Day 8. February 6, 2020. Owaka to Invercargill (the long way). 275km

Woke up and commenced packing. When staying at a place for more than one night, most of the gear and clothes get unpacked so it takes the better part of 45' to reorganize and repack then reload and secure the gear in and on top of the bike. It was about 50° this AM so left a polartec layer to soften the chill and a perusal of the NZTA government site showed the southern route directly west to Invercargill was open. Yeah! We rode out about 8:15 and cruised on what was now a somewhat familiar scenic ride westward. We made it to Papatowai and once again, as we saw yesterday, there was a police car in the road. Immediately the pit of your stomach churns. Having checked out and a reservation awaiting in Invercargill for the next three nights along with the Burt Monro rally fun all contributed to some anxiety that we might not be able to make it happen. Every other thought was about the more than a meter of rain which fell in 48 hours earlier this week and where and how would ALL that water make its way south. But the NZTA site said the road was open! The officer was very nice and explained that we needed to return to Owaka and make a left turn at the Lumber Jack (last night's tasty dinner location). Then we'd proceed over a gravel road through the Owaka valley and up to Clinton and head west to Mataura en route to Invercargill. We rode back the 27km to Owaka and then proceeded through the scenic valley and westward to Mataura. We should've been more suspicious of the lack of bikes within 150 km of Invercargill. As we pulled into the central area of Mataura the main Hwy 93 was completely blocked by sand bags at least 4' high. Although the road was dry, it was apparent that floodwaters had swirled there in the recent past. We saw three other bikers who approached us and explained that they weren't able to bypass the flooding in town. It's heartening to wake up to What's App messages complaining/wondering what happened since I fairly abruptly ended my blog as I was just too tired to continue. (Richard!) At least I know someone is reading... I don't write this for others, mostly for myself to have a record of these adventures so I don't forget the little and interesting things that happen on a daily basis. One of the daily pics shows the sand bag barrier on route 93 and the fire/rescue folks who described for us the next route to take to attempt to get to Invercargill. We rode again eastward on the opposite direction of our destination to Clinton and found the only cafe open for a quick drink/bite and a bathroom break. At Clinton we noticed one thing right away. For the first time in days we were on a busy road (Hwy 1) and it was steadily streaming trucks and more interestingly to me, bikes! Now, with a brief stop, we joined the flow again towards the elusive Invercargill after a 170km double detour. At least we got some fantastic scenery and rainbows so no complaints.

The highway from Clinton to the next town of Gore has prompted a humorous gesture by the NZ transportation agency. They have a sign as you depart Clinton heading the 44kms to Gore that proclaims it the "Presidential Highway". 😆 Very funny! Gore was surprisingly large with loads of bikes getting gas and finding one of the dozens and dozens of restaurants there to eat. We continued on after passing over the Mataura River bridge where the railroad trestle immediately downstream was nearly submerged. The road continues along the river and was closed due to flooding so all traffic was diverted about 30km on a series of more western roadways and eventually we met up with 1 again for the half hour ride remaining into Invercargill. Mother Nature opened up on us for a while but only hard for 15-20 minutes and it abated just prior to entering town. We rode in by the much discussed transport museum and into center city. We got an apartment in a Quest building right next to the central traffic circle in the town's center. Fantastic location. Not a full service hotel, but a building of nicely appointed apartments with a front desk that is manned for check-in hours only. Only a couple blocks from both the Classic Motorcycle Mecca museum and then the other way to the famous and historic E. Hyde hardware store. The store that is not only huge but houses Burt Monro's workshop (behind glass), loads of vintage bikes on display interspersed with their merchandise, a full Indian dealership within and of course anything you could think of to purchase! The motorcycle museum was also visited and did not disappoint. Over 300 very significant bikes of marques that extended beyond my knowledge base. They also have in their basement a collection from a NZ motorcycle racer named George Begg who became a car designer (he didn't race the cars). He made stunning and well known cars which won races around the world. We decided to then ride out to the official rally site towards the beach. About 9 km to Oreti Beach. There was a tent and a steady line of people filling out registrations. I opted for the $60NZ rally pass which provides access to the rally site which includes camping and the vendor and food tents as well as evening entertainment tents. It also provides a 50% discount on all rally event tickets which are normally $20NZ (less than $13). I bought all the remaining event tickets. Drag races today, beach racing tomorrow, Saturday's sprint races and speedway races ending with Sunday's street races.

We toured the motorcycle safety tent and picked up some safety swag (earplugs, visor cleaning cloth, kickstand pad) and were then drawn into a discussion with a researcher from Australia who is trying to promote two things. One was a geometric design that allows urethane to be produced into a much more flexible design than the D30 armor. It is much more ventilated, flexible and lighter than the armor used by most manufacturers. He had printed it up on his 3D printer and it slowly crushes under pressure. Made great sense to me, hopefully more companies will adopt this. Also he was promoting "MotoCAP". This is a way of testing all motorcycle protective gear in three modes (abrasion, impact and a third one involving energy dispersion that I can't remember now that I'm typing this the next day!) in the same way that cars in the USA get a crash rating, clothing would all be ranked and consumers would be informed about which items perform well in which modes for their information. This guy is conducting the tests on various items. He did say that the Klim Badlands jacket (one version heavier than the Latitude I wear) was the best textile jacket they had tested to date since he saw me wearing my Klim. We strolled through the entertainment tent which was largely empty save for a stage and an official merchandise vendor. We got in line and bought a couple items to remember this event by in the future. There was also a food tent with 5 food trucks set up to deliver to campers and anyone wanting some unhealthy treats while on site. Who am I to talk! 😉 The drag races we're getting ready to start at 6 or so it said on the ticket so we rode the short distance over to Teretonga race track. They have a gravel road that connects the rally campgrounds directly to the track area so the rally campers don't need to put a helmet on for the short ride to watch the race. We strolled through the paddock area and saw a large diversity in the bikes. Some modified Hayabusas, some extended swing arm bikes with wheelie bars behind and some 150cc Vespa scooters rusting out! The drags were sponsored by Harley and we met the Harley agent in our apartment/hotel as she unloaded flags destined to the track event we were now attending. Speaking of unhealthy foods, we both decided to support the local netball team by purchasing a sausage from them for $2NZ. What a delicious bargain. Complete with Cole slaw, cooked onions and mustard and wrapped by a piece of bread. Best deal ever. The track was not really that organized. I don't think the first racers went off the line until 6:45 and it was not warm but the setting sun kept the hard chill away. Maybe it was 56° but very windy. In fact they discussed shortening the 1/4 mile distance due to the risk of blowing racers across the track but they kept it at the standard length. The races were fun to watch. Especially the unmodofied and less experienced riders with incredibly powerful machines that had difficulty keeping their front ends on the pavement. One guy went nearly vertical and somehow managed to save it! A grizzled biker with a nearly as grizzled brown duster unloaded his brown duffel from his shoulders and spent the time smoking hand rolled cigarettes by us. There was also a Maori with full face tattoo art by us. And some rubes as well. (Rich urban bikers) Varied bikes and diverse crowd. A little bit of everything here and lots of eye candy. Even saw a "new" Triumph Rocket 3 R down the street today. The guy should've cleaned it up! It was showing loads of dirt from riding in the rain. I just picked up my new Triumph Rocket 3 TFC two days before departure. I had placed a deposit on it when they announced over 6 months ago and I am very impressed with that machine... 🤩 Ah, I digress.

With the sun setting on the Twilight event, we did decide to leave before it was over after standing for more than 2 hours (no bleachers/seats) and the cold setting in. We found a mini market to get a few essentials for the apartment and headed back to town. After some vino and snacks we meandered down the street to find a cafe that was part of a hotel and we enjoyed a mushroom pizza and a beer before the day caught up with me and I was unable to put much down on the blog before nodding off.

https://www.transportworld.co.nz/motorcycle-mecca/

[abybweisse]

LONG VENT POST: Family issues, part 1 of ?

So, a bit ago I said I’m not as active right now, due to family issues. I didn’t want to fill the thread of that post with all the long, sordid details.

Right now I’m trying to get my mother into an “assisted living and memory care” community (nursing home, basically) and doing everything I can to stop her credit union accounts from hemorrhaging from all her incompetence (she’s been scammed a bunch and generally taken advantage of).

Yesterday’s biggest takeaway was the discovery of numerous scams she fell for over the past few years... plus three months worth of fraudulent Uber and Uber Eats charges... and the fact that she pays about $550/mo on car insurance but the last couple times (at least, maybe more) she got collision repairs done? She didn’t file claims and pay a $500 deductible. No, she paid in full, out of pocket. Out $7k instead of $1k for two repairs in just a few months’ time. How can you pay huge insurance premiums and never notify them when you need collision repairs?!

Found out just recently that about a couple years ago, someone scammed her for an easy $5k. Found out she never deposits the full amount on car payments I send her. She never makes full deposits on the rent a tenant pays her. Instead, she cashes much of them out, and I have no idea what she does with the cash.

She buys stuff in bulk but cannot use most of it before it goes bad, but she refuses to toss out expired foods. Her hoarding tendencies have gotten worse. Even though she tells my sister and I not to send her gifts that would add to the clutter in the house, I found out yesterday she’s been dropping $200-$300 on random stuff from places like TJ Maxx and Tuesday Morning just because they made her “happy”. She hasn’t even unpackaged the hanging glass butterflies or other things. I told her she can take them to the “home”....

She’s wrecked two brand new Priuses (about $30k each, each paid up front/in full with inheritance money from my dad, who died five years ago) within about two years’ time. The first was “totaled”, but I have yet to verify whether she ever opened a claim to get money for it. This one hasn’t been officially declared totaled or repairable. I had to file the claim on it on her behalf. For all I know, the $550/mo premium might be on both cars. I’ll know for sure soon. If she’s been paying insurance on a car that was “totaled” two years ago instead of getting market value of about $22k, I will definitely break down and cry. For at least the 50th time in the past few days. Seriously, if she just found out the previous one couldn’t be fixed and walked away from it without filing a claim and getting the huge payout... and is therefore also still paying for insurance on it? I’ll probably scream, too.

The latest (and last ever) car wreck was last Wednesday. We’ve been telling her for over a year she shouldn’t be driving. Her doctors have told her the same for at least 6mo. My sister and I were planning to visit her and take away her keys, but the wreck happened before we could even finalize our travel plans.

This time, she was trying to get to dialysis (she goes three days a week), and she couldn’t use Uber anymore, so she was determined to drive herself. Just before 5 am, she was driving down her own residential street and blacked out (apparently) and hit three parked (and unoccupied) vehicles. Police showed up and she got out of her car and told them she needed a ride to dialysis. One of the officers took her. She can’t recall hitting three cars. Told me she hit a curb and one car. Later told someone else she only hit a curb. I don’t know anything about the curb, but probably. However, I definitely believe the police report that three parked cars were hit badly and had to be towed away, too. After the police spoke to her tenant, they said they’d make things easier for us and revoke her license. Phew.

I convinced dialysis staff (actually, they completely agreed without question) to send her to hospital afterwards instead of letting yet another friend take her home. Good thing, too, because before dialysis was even up that morning, she was in a lot of pain; she had told them earlier she didn’t need to be looked at. Well... no broken bones, no major injuries, and her labs were ok except slightly low potassium. However, a brain scan showed something I already knew just by dealing with her: it showed ischemic changes associated with dementia. Monday of that week, I had called her renal doctor to tell him I worried about her mental health and wondered if it had anything to do with the renal failure. He said he didn’t think so; it’s got to be something else causing the mental decline we are seeing. When I told him she’s still driving sometimes, he became furious and said he’d refer her to get a full dementia evaluation. Well, before he could even get the referral to her, she’d wrecked again. He’s seen her now, but I haven’t heard any updates from him. Mom says she hasn’t done the evaluation (that she knows of), and she heard someone at the hospital mention “dementia”, but she doesn’t recall what they said about it. 😔

I didn’t take photos when I finally saw her car, but I’m going back up to Dallas tomorrow and staying in a Motel 6 overnight (with my dog) to take care of as much financial matters for her as I can in these next two days. I’ll get another chance to see the car (to clean out items), so I’ll take pics then. I might not get back to Austin until sometime Wednesday. Not sure about Wednesday yet, but I already requested Monday and Tuesday off from work by email and left a vm with coworkers. I’m about to run out of annual leave because of this. I know I’ll be making many weekend trips coming up until my sister and I have gotten her moved into the nursing facility. And for a while afterwards, too, since we have to clean out the house, put some of her stuff into a storage unit, and sell the house ASAP. Plus, we need to visit often, at least at first, to make sure she’s settled in, isn’t hating it too much, and is being taken care of properly.

It’s a good thing my sister is paying for my hotel charges and has also offered gas money (though I haven’t asked for gas money... yet). This is still way cheaper for her than booking herself flights back and forth between Olympia, WA and Dallas, TX. The more leg work I do on this, the happier my sister is to help with my travel costs. Honestly, she really doesn’t want to come down here until it’s time to move our mom, clean the house, and put it up for sale.

And, since we have so little time to get her affairs in order, we are placing her in the only community my mom and I have toured, so far. I told her if it turns out to not be a good place (at all) once she moves in, we can keep looking at others (while she still lives at that one) and move her again. But, honestly, this place does seem nice enough, and none of these places are perfect. Plus, it’s right next to the hospital where she always goes... the one where her doctors are associates. I joked that if they needed to send her to the hospital, they could put her on a gurney and wheel her down the street. She laughed at that and said the location is perfect.

Sigh. She’s being compliant and has even said thanks for us (her two daughters) stepping up to help her and get things taken care of. We were afraid she would refuse to leave her house of almost 40years. She’s not even batting an eye at us deciding to sell the house to make sure she can afford the rent and services (the suites at the community are rented out like apartments, but with three meals a day and unlimited snacks, weekly cleaning service, weekly laundry service, landline phone, cable, and internet included. We will have to pay more for “memory care” and probably for medical transport they provide (unless that’s included, too), plus whatever else. She might take her cat with her, or she might leave him with a friend of the family. But it’s a one-time, non-refundable fee of $500 if she keeps him. I kind of hope she gives him up, and they just bring him along on visits to her. She would have trouble taking care of him.

She’s never shown me her finances before. We had no idea how bad (completely uncontrolled) her spending was. It was probably bad enough before our dad died, but afterwards, she started going downhill fast. Now she’s in renal failure and requires dialysis three days a week. She’s recently lost an unhealthy amount of weight in a very short time, apparently because she can’t remember to eat and sometimes she’s too disoriented to get up. She can’t cook anymore, and she’s hardly done cleaning chores since she had kids (that’s what us kids were for: housework). So she’s a money-wasting hoarder in a house full of dirty dishes, dirty clothes, clutter everywhere, and $100’s — maybe $1000 worth — of groceries she can’t get through but won’t throw out when they go bad. And she won’t let anyone else touch them while she’s still living there.

I have so much to do the next couple days, I had to write a list of each thing I need to look into and take care of before I return home. I still have some stuff to get ready for the trip, so this is the end of the first vent post.

I hope I get more sleep tonight than I have the past week....

[wakandascrystal]

The Nanny

Pairing - Erik x Black!!reader  

genre - Angst, jealousy, fluff etc.

summary- When a job opportunity that you couldn't miss comes up you choose to leave your husband and kids with help to cater to them through the 4 months but as soon as you return it seems like mommy has been replaced.

A/N -  I wrote on and from my way to school sorry if it seemed rushed

“Nah...Hell no. You ain't going.“ Erik shouted as he held the letter from your firm in his hands. “Did you even read past the first line.” “I don't need too. Don't have too. They can find someone else who doesn't have a life to take care of there messy war stuff for them..” “Erik...you don't understand. I need this. If.... If I win this case I will be helping people.... This is a big opportunity from me..for us.“ He scoffed getting up to slowly power walk around the kitchen. “What about the twins and Nala. You gonna up and leave me alone with them as well.“ You wanted to curse him out. how small and selfish can he be. Erik was being ridiculous. He knew this is what you were working up towards. You were Very good Lawyer but taking on an international case like this one Erik was holding in his hand would solidify your foot in the door with the big boys but Erik didn't see that. You took off your apron and held his hands trying to make him understand how much you needed this. He couldn't look you in the eyes- that's how angry he was. “Baby it's just 4 months. I'll be back. It not like am leaving for a whole year.“ he let out a breath. “Erik this is big. Huge! Other lawyers dream to handle a case like this and I was chosen to do that. My hard work is paying off baby. Am going to the UN…..the fucking UN…..A black women at the UN ...do you know how good that looks for us...for the black community. Listen they can call me whatever they want to but when am done they won't be to help the fact that the baddest black bitch in law saved the world.” Erik couldn't help but smile looking away from you. He loved it when you were passionate about your job but he didn't want you to leave either. “And I won't only have the support of my peers but also the loving support of my Husband….” It sounded more like a question but Erik didn't catch on. “Okay let's say I do let you leave for 4 whole ass months….How am I supposed to manage the kids? I know am a good father but I don't know their schedules and play dates and diets. All I know is that Aaden and Kwezi don't eat seafood.” You couldn't help but blush at your husband. He was thinking about. You could tell. That all you wanted. “First of all your an amazing Father and Don't worry I have a plan. What you thought I was going to leave my babies stranded. Not this Momma. I went on this certified site on the internet and found a nanny.” “(Y/N) You know how I feel about you and the Internet.” “It's nothing like that E. She's perfect I interviewed her a couple of times last week. We had brunch and we bonded. I showed her Our schedules, Important dates and am so lucky no one's birthday is soon.” You went back to the stove to check the curry you were cooking for dinner. “Don't worry Baby I told her about your basketball team and that Nala has dance class on Wednesdays and Fridays. That grandma comes to visit on the weekends and that you Elijah and Jordan and them have poker night every Sunday and that she should prepare snacks. I also told her the boys play soccer and football and that we…-” You felt Erik's strong arms slip around your waist. He back hugged you placing his chin on your shoulder. “Damn....Am gonna...miss you” Your heart dropped. You turned to meet his gaze. “I'll be a phone call away. You know this.” Your voice was softer since he was so close to your face. “And we got 4 days before I leave.” Erik lifted you and started kissing you on the kitchen counter. He moaned into your mouth and you lost your mind. He didn't waste time pulling your dress up and panties down. “Erik...the kids ...are upstairs..they ...can come down anytime and see.” You tried to form a sentence as he kisses your inner thighs. Planting wet kisses that were turning you on. He spread your legs wider and went it, dragging his tongue on your pussy and skillfully sucking. Your moaning got louder and louder. “E...E!” “Mommy are you okay?” Your legs wrapped around Eriks face so quickly so that Nala wouldn't see her father face between her legs behind the counter. “Hey, baby. You up from your nap.” Your 5-year-old daughter rubbed her eyes and yawned at the top of the stairs. He curls all over the place she pouted. “Mommy I'm hungry and ...Aaden and Kwezi Are playing with Daddy's shoes again.” You felt Erik twitch between your legs. He hated how the twins put on his Jordans on and play around with them. “Baby go tell the boys to leave daddies shoe alone  before I come up there..and tell them to get ready for dinner.” The sleepy little brown girl ran up and did as you said...Gave Erik enough time to give you a mind-blowing orgasm. After lunch, you sat the kids down and told them what would be happening. The twins were really not that bothered . They maybe thought you were going for a weekend and coming back like you usually do but Nala sat on your bed holding her Tiana princess doll with tears in her eyes. “Mommy cant I come with you. I'll be good I promise I won't make a mess of things.” You heart dropped when her tears fell. “Nala I'll be back sooner than you know.” “But whos gonna braid my hair and help me pick pretty clothes to wear.” “I have someone very special for that and when mom’s done saving the world. Daddy is going to take us to Disneyland.” Your promise of the trip did nothing. She still looked sad “I will always be here and i will always love you okay.” She nodded and wiped her tears away. After you put the twins and Nala to bed Erik helped you with packing for the trip. He was silent the whole time. Handing you all your old and ugly granny panties thinking what the hell you need your red lace g strings for. You packed for about 1 months worth of clothing the rest you would buy on the way there. After the awkward packing section with Erik. You offered him a back massage. He didn't answer you with a yes but you knew he wanted it. After pushing him on the bed and oiling up his back you started kneading him it with your scented vanilla and strawberry oils. “You tryna make me miss you more.“ You bite your lip trying to hold back a laugh. “No...I do this every week E. What makes this message any different ?“ “Now you leaving...You gonna leave me for some French Nigga? “ A wave of emotions came over you. You were angry and pissed. Why would he think that? “You really think I would do that to you?“ You didn't stop bring your pressed thumbs down his back. He didn't answer.

“I dont know the African soccer players there... They might steal your ass from me.“ “Erik! You really think I would throw away my kids and husband for a man I don’t even know??“ He jumped slightly shocked by your outburst. “Damn baby, Chill.“ “Don't tell me to chill when you laying here calling me a cheater.“ His eyebrows pulled together, confused and mostly worried. “It was a light-hearted joke (Y/N).“ “Don't joke about that.“ You uped and rolled off his back. Power walking to the bathroom your eyes started watering. The reality was starting to hit. you were going to be away from Erik and the kids for 4 months and a meaningless joke got you triggered like this. Seeing your young daughter’s eyes wall up broke your heart. You have no choice you already committed yourself. Erik later followed you into the bathroom leaning on the door frame. "It's going to be okay. I can't believe I'm saying this but.....Am proud of you.” “You know me so well you can tell am nervous.....“You gave him a nervous giggle trying to wipe the tears off your face. “Yeah come on lets sleep. The sooner you go the sooner you come back“ He slowly drifted of to bed and you tucked him in planted a kiss on his cheek. That's when you started sorting your papers and work files, pulling out your laptop checking emails with your partners who were across the country. Your flights and Hotel bookings had been sent to you. Your Rep in France had emailed you saying how the cases were proceeding and how many people would be involved. After sorting that out you went to bed and cuddled into Erik's arms.   “Am going to miss you too..“ you said softly between his light snores.

The day arrived and you were over prepaid. Dressed in a pair of blue jeans and a black cut of top you stood in front of your family. Your luggage surrounding you at your feet you tried to make the mood less depressing as it was. “Don't worry too much okay. I will phone daddy every day and I can speak to yall like I do every day. We can facetime and skype.You can still tell me about school and soccer practice ...don't be shy and Nala please take care of daddy okay. And boys leave daddy's shoes alone. I mean it.” Your small daughter was in Eric's arms fighting back tears again but lucky the doorbell rang distracting you from the sad scene. “She’s here”You opened the door and let in the new housekeeper. She was dressed in Vans a dress and a light cardigan. Her curly hair was tied up and she looked pretty and youthful but mostly happy and excited. She was Cuban but her voice was very much New york.“Okay everyone this is Frida and she will be helping while I'm gone. Please respect her and listen to her..am talking to you two .“ You pointed to Aaden and Kwezi “Okay mommy,“ they say in unison. “Frida this is Aaden and Kwezi  and this is Nala.” They waved but didn't smile “And this is my husband Erik.“ After everyone met everyone and you showed her the house and how all the appliances work .You also gave her the needed advice then your shuttle to the airport arrived. You kissed Erik goodbye as he helped you with your bags and that was it..you were on your way to Paris. It was tiring, gruelling and testing emotional time for. You had to stay up drinking unhealthy energy drinks just to keep your energy levels up to come up with new develops to your case. Knowing that people lives were at risking made you even more stressful but hearing Eriks voice would calm you down instantly. You missed your babies. Erik would let you speak to them and make sure they still fine. After seeing videos of women mistreated and being stripped of there children you become worrisome of your little ones but if motivated you and gave you the extra courage you needed.

“You look tired?” 

“and you look beautiful.” You couldn't help but blush like a highschool girl at your husband. Facetiming with the different time zones was a bit funny but you managed.

“We saw you on the news today. The kids almost lost their minds, It was for a few seconds but they saw  you looked so ...heroic....I couldn't believe that is my baby girl.” You face heated up again.

You knew some news outlets were covering the story but you didn't want to send out an open letter to the world to catch you on the 7pm news.

“I've got a huge team behind me am just the face of this whole thing.”

“Bullshit. dont play that with me am no.-” You heard his door open and a women speaking...It must have been Frida. You understood then waited then 

“- Hey baby ...look I need to go  call you tomorrow.”

By the time you try stop him the call was over. That was rude and uncalled for. Why did he end the call? did it have something to do with Freya?

You started noticing strange things happening as well. 

Erik would miss your calls or if he didn't you only spoke to the kids. The -- Give daddy the phone line was met with a He says he's busy. The distances between You and Erik was growing and he seemed to be distracted.

2 months in you noticed Erik wearing new clothes and when you asked if he went shopping  he said

‘‘‘Nah ...This Fri got  it for me”

Fri who the fuck is fri last time you checked your house keepers name was Frida. What they got pet names now??

“You letting her buy you clothes??“ You sounded worried.

“Nah it's not like that. She just picked it up by the Mens when we went shopping.“

He saw your face scrunch up.

“Baby you stressed. Wake up and take a shower am going to sleep am tired. Bye“ He cancelled the call. You were starting to get used to him cutting you off like that. Yet you had no time to worry about his actions at the moment. 

Days passed and  The case was going very well. The enslaved women and their children were relocated in Canada but you and your team had to go back to the states to make things permanent for them and also to start up a self sustaining campaign that will help other women and children. You wanted to tell Erik you were heading to New York but a notification from Eriks friend on Instagram got your attention. It was a picture of Erik with the kids....Very family portrait type of Style pic. He had Nala on his lap and the boys in front of him. You smiled knowing that was the family you were going back to when this messy was over. But ever so slightly to the left of the shot...right on Erik shoulder was a pale arm that draped on him. Erik’s friend had tried to crop out someone but left the arm. After searching and searching and searching you found Freda’s page and there was the full picture. She was right there posing as if she was part of your family. Dressed in a summer dress her arm was around Erik. They looked like a family. They could definitely pass a a family. 

This worried you. Had erik replaced you or something...that can't be right. Maybe they were going on a family trip. But why would  Erik not tell you.

You were pacing around your hotel room now, phone on your ear waiting for Erik to pick up but he didnt?

You didn't know what to do so you tried your mom. 

“Momma you up?“

“Girl do you see the time??“ You missed her voice

“Äm sorry mamma I just need to speak with Erik is he near you. Can you give him the Phone.“

“Near....What are you talking about doll I haven't been By the house since you left.“

“Mamma dont play me right now ..you know you always come to stay the weekends and watch the kids.“

“Well that fancy Freka Freya Frewa whatever the heck you call her said She dont need me and that I should here at the home.“

“WHAT?!?! You dont come cause we need you ..You come cause I want you there. You family The kids need to be near you. That's what I want....So you telling me the past 3 months the Kids haven't seen you.“

“That what i said doll“

“And what did Erik say.“

“Oh Chile“ You couldn't feel her roll her eyes

“That no backbone having ass negro has been a yes man to that women since you left.“

“So whos be taking you to the hospital for you check ups.“

“Nah i have the one Saint marys home have......“

“Mamma You know I hate the Cheak ups they provide..That's why I work so hard so I can take you to the private hospitals..where they treat you right....Am so angry Mamma. Am gonna kill them both.”

She just laughed but you knew that laugh it was the one filled with sorrow. 

You were ready to give Erik a piece of your mind. How dare he neglect your mother. Let other women buy him clothes. 

When you landed in NY. You tried to be calm and level and it worked. No one noticed the breakdown you were having inside. You wanted to go home and strangle your husband. Thoughts like those weren't really good for a person but one night holding your phone up in the air you waited for Erik to pick up. He didnt but you were greeted with Khwezi’s face. You couldn't help but melt

“Mama.Hello?“

“hey Kwezi how are you?“

“Am good. I scored twice today at soccer practice. You didn't hear this from me but am going to be a soccer legend.“ You giggled at you over dramatics son

“am very proud of you baby. Where’s Aaden?“ 

“Him and daddy are out For a bit. Freya wanted so Japanese or Vietnamese food so they getting it for her.“ 

The only place that served Japaneses food was the next town which wasn't that far but was still too far to just go for a housekeeper. What made it worse was how late it was.

“Okay how is Daddy been lately? Yall being good like I asked.“

“Mom, Dad has been amazing he let Aaden get earrings in his ears I was going to get them to but you know me and pain aren't really vibing right now.“

You stopped breathing. How could Erik make such a decision without your say. Give the boys freedom to do what they want on or to their bodys was supposed to be talked about not him letting them do anything. And his running fucken food uber for the housekeeper now. 

“Sooo Hows FrIda?” Your voice changed and your smart son noticed that you were trying to dig.

“Why? What's in it for me?“ You rolled your eyes. This one's definitely Eriks son.

“i dont know maybe I might buy you the new PS4 accompanied with any 4 games of your choice“

His eyes blow up

“Okay. Let me go to a more suitable spot.“ After 5 minutes of him running he was back facetiming you. You notice the background to be his and his brother tree house.

“Okay mom, frida has taken over. I mean big time. She don't cook what you said she must and our school lunch is not what you said it should be either.....And Nala hates her.“ You took full offence. You sat up and he noticed.

“Wait before you say anything just listen. She asked dad to change around some furniture and she's stays with dads friends during poker and plays with them. And daddy took her out ...without us. Leaving us with his friend  ”

Your little snitching may as well told you they were fucking... Your blood was running. It took you 1 years to get a conversation going with your crush Erik in Uni but this bitch has his attention within a month and his taking her on dates. Not that Erik is anti social it just that he doesn't fuck with a lot of people. That show he is. Or has he may be changed.

“Kwezi get out the cold. Go bath and tell daddy to call me when he gets home.”

“Okay I miss you. We all do.”

“I miss you to. Ill be back soon.“

He didn't call you back that night. 

2 weeks left and you were free to go home and reclaim your household. That night before going to be interviewed about to success of your case. You face timed Erik. You didn't expect him to answer but you did. “Erik Baby am so mad at you right now?“ “....What happened? I heard you won the case.“ “yes but it's You. How are you gonna tell mamma to not come and be with the kids?“ “What ?? She said I said that. That's funny cause I remember her telling me You said she should stay away while you away... “ “Why the fuck would I say that E. I always what my mom to be with us on the weekends.“ “Well, I don't know Cause Frida told me you changed her mind and sent her a text.“ What... It made sense. That bitch was trying to get rid of you. Steal your man and take your kids. But You didn't have time for that. “Erik am coming back soon... Like in a weeks time. I heard you took her on a date as well you left my kids unsupervised.”  He sighed “first Sean was with them and no it wasn't a date it was her Birthday I was taking her out for a stake.“ “I don't care if it is her anything you don't do that... when I come back And ama need her out when I come. “ “What's the hostility about.” “No hostility just me wanting my life back. I will also...Erik, what's that on your neck?“ The red blush marks on his neck were all of a sudden highlighted now that you noticed “Oh yeah.....this.... i...I hurt myself.“ “...Why are you nervous...“ he let out a sight “Why are you drilling like I did something.“

Why are you drilling like I did something.“

“Why do all our face times end with us fighting and you cutting me off.“ “I....I don't know “ Erik’s I don't know really meant I don't want to have this conversation anymore. 

 “See you when I get home then.“ For the first time, you hang up on him. You thought it would feel good but it didn't. You felt like shit and you were losing your husband.  

 You had taken a shower and wiped your fresh tears off your face when you started scrolling Instagram. You went on to Frida’s page and she had posted a semi-nude selfie of herself. The roundness of her breast just behind her arm. Her curves refected of the mirrors and shower glass. She pouted her lips and curled her hair her neck sprinkled with red heckey. But something was a bit off...the gold sequence in the background of the bathroom tiles seemed so familiar to you

The black tiles and with the golden finished that she had tried to blur up looked very much like your own bathroom. You didn't want to be rude but there was no way she could have a bathroom like that. Erik almost killed you when he found out how much you were willing to spend to decorate the house. most of it was in the Bathrooms and the kitchen. You spend most you time in the bathroom and kitchen why not make them look expensive. So there she was standing naked in your bathroom taking pictures. You felt so disrespected and humiliated.  

“This can't be.....He got hickeys and she got hickeys and she's  naked in my bathroom. Mama ain't around. She buying him clothes. She's in family pictures and hangs out with the Eriks friends....“

You didn't want to think about it but maybe Erik was being unfaithful. The rude way his been speaking to you and he's been so quick to defend FrIda too. No matter what happens moving forward your first priority was your children now.

What would you do?

Tags : If you didn't want to get tagged am sorry.

@thebeautysurrounds @hearteyes-for-killmonger @imaginewhoever @myboyfriendgiriboy @sweetsexysavagery @killmoncoochie @killmongersaidheyauntie

[spiritualgravity]

My Keto Case Study

I can’t remember exactly when I first began to diet. The earliest recollection I have was my freshman year in college, obviously I gained the obligatory “Freshman 15.” A girlfriend of mine was a distributor for Herbal Life — the program included shakes as well as about one million herbal pills.

At some point, I hopped on the Weight Watcher train. My Mother is a “lifer” — meaning she met her goal weight, and for the rest of eternity, will be known as a Life Long member...even if she doesn’t maintain the goal weight. My entire childhood, even until today — on the cusp of turning 40 years old — she still toggles on and off diets regularly...gaining and losing the same 20-30 pounds. We are kindred spirits with a fondness for carbs, but she prefers salty and I prefer sweets.

Over the past five years, I tried WW again, another company with shakes and pills, Whole 30, and I even made up my own program which basically included not eating any processed foods.

Before I got pregnant, I was about 20 pounds overweight. Technically, I actually “should” have weighed 40 pounds less, according to BMI algorithms, but my body has always enjoyed extra padding. I don’t think my infastructure is meant to be stick thin. Going into a process where your body willingly puts on weight in order to grow a human, and you’re already carrying extra poundage, certainly isn’t ideal.

I dropped some weight after giving birth, because said human left my midsection. Then, I’d like to think, that breastfeeding knocked off a few more pounds. Many months later, I eventually got down to the weight I started with when I was pregnant — which was — 20 pounds overweight. Sigh.

{Postpartum Photos}

In June, eight and a half months after giving birth, I stopped breastfeeding, and hadn’t worked out...not even broken a sweat...since right before giving birth. My entire pregnancy, all 41 weeks, I worked out religiously at CrossFit, and then never looked back once becoming a Mommy. This isn’t because I didn’t want to do overhead squats and crazy WODs, but because my baby didn’t sleep. I was essentially a zombie for her first year of life, while juggling and navigating postpartum depression.

Over the summer, while visiting my parents’ home, a friend from childhood came over to see my daughter and catch up. To my surprise, she dropped dozens and dozens of pounds. Our figures are very similar, we could even pass for sisters from below the neck. I was impressed by her success, and curious how she did it. Meanwhile, my Mother sat in the background at the kitchen table, overhearing our entire conversation, and decided she wanted in on the “Ketogenic” program, known as Keto.

Just like my Mom, I have historically lost weight for an event. Weddings were my go-to weight loss event, particularly when I was a bridesmaid (12 times no less). This particular time around, my Mom wanted to lose weight for a cruise she was going on in September; she went on the ship 15 pounds lighter but then subsequently didn’t stick to Keto.

For the next few weeks, after my initial talk with the successful Keto friend, I cannonballed headfirst into Google research. I consumed videos, read articles, watched more videos, and then read some more articles. After my sister’s wedding in early August, during the 13 hour drive back from New York, I spent some more time reading, and reading, and reading. It probably didn’t hurt that I also became privy to photos of me from the wedding — not only did I immediately realize I sadly no longer needed to wear nursing bras with zero support (Dear God, why didn’t anyone tell me?!?), but I did in fact need to get healthier. My body and face looked inflamed, and I was tired of not being able to wear my pre-pregnancy jeans.

I asked countless follow-up questions to my successful Keto friend, and also to another gal who lost a massive amount of weight following the Keto program (under a doctor’s supervision). I decided I was in.

My personality, at a microscopic level, is all in or nothing at all; I do not know what half-assing means. Some people call this discipline, I call it not wasting my time.

So on August 13th, I officially weighed in and measured my Mommy curves to begin the journey on a ketogenic diet. I’ve had curves since I hit puberty. I embrace them, and love that my strong legs resemble tree trunks. An hour glass figure isn’t the worst card to be dealt. So when I say curves, I just mean the extra thickkkkk curves that came with pregnancy. 

I wasn’t strict as far as counting macros, I simply counted (in my head) the number of net carbs I was consuming. That’s how my friend did it, so I figured I’d follow her lead. As it turned out, I personally needed to count my macros (ratio of protein / fat / carbs) in order to follow Keto correctly. I began using a free and easy app called Carb Manager for about two months until I got the hang of things and haven’t used it since because now I know what’s what.

Some people call Keto a diet, I’d like to think it’s my new lifestyle. I have absolutely no idea how long I’ll follow this lifestyle. I’m not naive enough to say for my lifetime, but it definitely isn’t going to be a shortlived stint. 

This process has been incredibly humbling at a visceral level. For starters, I am embarrassed to admit how incredibly ignorant I used to be when it came to judging things I knew nothing about. One of my best friends, who is fighting a chronic heart condition, first brought up the word “Keto” over the phone last year. I immediately snubbed the idea, exacerbated, I said, “it’s just like Atkins” (which was meant to be a negative connotation), and shut down the thought of her doing this diet. For the record, it’s not like Atkins (that program touts high protein, whereas Keto is moderate protein — this is signficant because too much protein can be turned into glucose/sugar). 

“The biggest form of ignorance is rejecting something you know nothing about.” - Wayne Dyer

The Ketogenic gurus are also hyper focused on not eating fake sugar, particularly lots of phony faux sweetners that are labeled “Keto” on the package, but are absolutely not Keto-approved because they will still spike your blood sugar levels as if you’re actually eating sugar. 

{Source: Epilepsy Foundation}

The name ketogenic means that it produces ketones in the body. (keto = ketone; genic = producing) Ketones are formed when the body uses fat for its source of energy.

Usually the body uses carbohydrates (such as sugar, bread, pasta) for its fuel. Because the ketogenic diet is very low in carbohydrates, fats become the primary fuel instead. The body can work very well on ketones (and fats).

Ketones are not dangerous. They can be detected in the urine, blood, and breath. Ketones are one of the more likely mechanisms of action of the diet, with higher ketone levels often leading to improved seizure control. However, there are many other theories for why the diet will work.

Secondly, for as long as my temporal lobes can recall, I have been adamantly against fasting…and, I’m not exactly sure why. Again, just another position I claimed with literally zero education or facts. My husband, for years and years, suggested I workout while fasting. I swore to him that I would fall flat on my face if I ever tried such an absurd strategy. 

Since I have been a devout low calorie follower, I’ve been chronically hungry. I was brainwashed to believe, with most of America, to have Fatphobia. I drank skim milk, which has a lot of sugar. I ate low fat packaged snacks, which were packed full of sugar. I ate mini meals all day long, 6 times a day. In other words, I was spiking my insulin all day long. My purse was always, without fail, full of munchies. Protein bars, crackers, apples, and a myriad of other nibbles. I would not, could not, leave my house without emergency food within arm’s reach. God forbid I got hungry and immediately turned hangry. Come to think of it, I was basically a 5′4″ child who was, at any given time, on the verge of a meltdown from being ravenousness. I didn’t quite realize it, but I was starving myself, and yet ironically, still overweight.

When I started Keto, my motivation was weight loss. But, what’s fascinating, is learning that weight loss is actually a side effect. The Ketogenic diet was originally designed for people who suffered from epilepsy and helped control their seizures. Ketogenic eating has been known to decrease inflammation in the body, eliminate diseases such as diabetes or heart conditions, sleep issues, GI troubles, and the resolution list goes on and on. 

What I’ve learned is that our bodies have 2 primary sources of fuel — glucose  (sugar / carbs), and fat. When you eliminate or greatly reduce glucose / sugar / carbs, your body will eventually start to burn fat for fuel. Luckily, I have a tremendous amount of excess fat that’s been waiting for an intevention. 

There is an enormous amount of misinformation ‘out there’ about eating Keto, and I am the first to admit I was super skeptical before I did my homework. 

Keto can get a bad rap for eating unlimited bacon, cheese, and bacon cheeseburgers. The other night, while out to eat with a group of ladies, for an appetizer I had a wedge salad (which includes veggiesc and crumbled blue cheese), and for dinner I had broccoli, asparagus, and a delicious steak. I put a little bit of real butter on my veggies. Also, the table enjoyed an array of desserts and not only did I not partake in the sugar fix, I didn’t even want any / I didn’t feel like I was missing out. In my past carb-laden life, I plunged my spoon into the dish first, and shoveled the brownie and ice cream into my pie hole as fast as I possibly could. There are varying versions of keto, that range from “dirty” to “clean.” When you eat dirty Keto, that’s what has given the program an unhealthy shadiness reputation on the streets. I fall in line closer to the cleaner side of keto, but have my dirty moments, and always eat organic, nitrate-free, etc. whenever possible. Oh and for the record, I usually drink one glass of red wine with my dinners. I may have lost weight, but I haven’t lost my damn mind. I draw the line at giving up my vino, that’s non-negotiable, and more importantly — I’ve been able to stay in ketosis. And yes I eat a small serving of fruit from time to time, berries are the best option and happen to be my favorite. 

Because every one is different, literally and metaphorically, results vary. My personal journey was that I shrunk in size, but the scale didn’t have impressive numbers to show for my effort. 

Come October, on the same day that my daughter turned one year old, I joined a gym. By that time, I had two months of Keto under my belt. Since I was a CrossFit junkie for 3 years pre-baby, I had to check my ego at the fitness facility’s door and slowly take it one day at a time. Besides picking up a baby thousands of times, I really hadn’t moved a muscle in 365 days. My body went through an enormous metamorphosis after making a little person, and I knew in my bones that I truly had to ease my way back into a safe grove. I sat down with a registered nurse at the gym and she did a body mass analysis using a machine that can calculate your composition make-up. 

This is where my self-fulfilling prophecy manifested, in the form of a personal case study. During college, I sucked at all things math, but ironically I was a wanna-be wizard at statistics. I got a B+ and until this day, I live for stats. With this documented analysis, I was stoked to have a baseline for my Keto journey that was more than just a generic number on a scale. Sure, I have baggage with the God foresaken scale, but now I truly know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the scale does not tell the whole story. 

Next up, I went to my Primary Care Physician’s office and had blood work drawn, along with a physical exam. I would also use these clinical insights as a foundation for improving my health, as well as proving that this way of eating is in fact healthy and not destroying my heart or other organs, or jacking up my cholesterol. 

Come January, I started to dabble in “I.T.” — intermittent fasting.

Now, when I say I’ve done my research, I mean an absurd amount of research. For almost a decade, my profession has been based in the medical field, so I’ve become a wee bit snobby when it comes to peer reviewed, scientific-based information. Blogs and anecdotal banter do not hold a candle in my book; I want facts, documentation, and proof. I want real stories from real people. I want lab work and the truth.

From mid-October through today, I’ve worked out on average about 4 times a week for one hour at a time. I joined a gym that has a daycare and now the sun shines a little brighter. My mini me gets to socialize with little people, and I get to lift weights (which doesn’t entail lifting a little person). I no longer listen to music while working out and I’ve become unapologetically obsessed with Podcasts. I realize I’m way, way behind the digital audio fad, but nonetheless I can’t get enough of them. Despite my husband’s dismay at potentially drowning my iPhone, I even listen to Youtube videos and Podcasts in the shower for goodness sake. Oprah, Tony Robbins and their leadership development peers make regular appearances, but for the most part, I’m quite literally up to my ears in Keto-related content. 

Maybe this is because I’m a real life sponge and adore the process of learning. Maybe it’s because I’ve been trained through my professional line of work that it takes listening/reading/hearing the SAME information at least 5x before you even retain a fraction of it. Who knows.

With that said, I’ve been convinced through dozens and dozens and dozens of 'classroom’ hours that intermittent fasting is a phenomenal practice for our bodies. And, if my own mad scientist research wasn’t enough, then when my friend who is currently battling breast cancer was told by her global team of physicians to do I.T. because it helps shrink those asshole cancer cells, certainly proved the point that removing sugar from our systems is a miracle worker.

I.T. comes in different forms because there are a variety of disciplines, but the most popular one is 16:8 / you don’t eat for a 16 hour window and you do eat for an 8 hour window. Within that 16 hour window, you’re sleeping for hopefully 7-8 hours of them, which basically means you don’t eat breakfast and you start your first meal with lunch. And, here’s the fun part — when you get the majority of your fuel from healthy fats, you aren’t even hungry, so fasting is actually not a big deal. Just like the rest of my journey, I worked up to this goal. I started with 12 hours, then 13, and so on.

I tried a longer fast, about 60 hours, in January. This was supposed to be some type of reset for my body. I felt like my weight loss was stalling, despite no cheats and working out. The first day was extremely difficult for me, I wanted to quit throughout the afternoon. The second day was a complete 180 degree turn — I wasn’t hungry and felt totally fine. But, I wanted to eat anyway. This experience really helped me stare my relationship with food face-to-face. I quieted my mind and asked why did I want to eat, I wasn’t even hungry. I realized that it’s the habit of eating I was used to, even if I wasn’t hungry.

Several people I know have loved ones who had gastric bypass surgery. It broke my heart to hear that there is no counseling after the fact — sure it’s available, but they weren’t utilizing it, nor was it required. And, they were back to their original style of eating and unhealthy types of food that qualified them for this surgery to begin with. 

Food can be used as a drug, just like other stereotypical vices including gambling and shopping. I know that no matter what “diet” or lifestyle change I become a VIP member to, it’s just a Band-Aid until I fix the root of the issue — using food to fill me up. I also realize that history has a way of repeating itself and I’ve walked in my Mother’s shoes, witnessing her on some type of diet my entire life.

I am approaching the 8 month mark as a Ketogenic crony, and here is where things currently stand:

I’ve lost 21 pounds. 

I’ve lost 14 inches between my hips, waist, thighs and chest.

I’ve lost 2-3 pant sizes — even fitting in to my “goal pants” (which I have never been able to zip up, including when I bought them years ago).

I weigh less than I did at my wedding four years ago.

I mentally and physically feel amazing and am rarely hungry. I repeat, I am not hungry. Eating fat is satiating...what a freaking concept (girl hits empty carb head against brick wall).

In all of my days walking this earth, no one has ever once told me that I was tiny. Last week, two people on the same evening said, “You’re tiny.” Granted, I am not tiny. In fact, I’m technically still overweight on the BMI algorithm, and according to...what I like to refer to as my Momma Kangaroo belly pouch... but that leads me to my next point.

One week ago I had my follow-up appointment with both the gym’s registered nurse as well as my PCP. I had both original tests re-run in order to determine, without a shadow of a doubt, that I was 100% healthy. Obviously being able to stowaway my maternity jeans, and have my leggings become baggy speaks for itself, but I wanted to know what was really going on behind the zippers and elastic bands.

At the PCP appointment, my provider couldn’t stop gloating about how much weight I had dropped since our last visit. The next day, an email came through with results from the blood work as a 3-page report. At the very end it says, and I quote, “Your lipid panel results are acceptable. Continue your Keto diet, it is not detrimental to your cholesterol.” 

My body composition test results were also impressive. 

BMI —from 30.2 (obese) to 27.9 (overweight)

Body Fat %: 37.2 to 35.2

Blood pressure — from 130/80 to 110/78

And what really made me jump for joy, was finding out the breakdown of my “dry lean mass” and “body fast mass.” The nutritionist, who was a skinny mini, said to me, “Your skeletal muscle mass is nearly above average. I’ve spent my whole life doing massive amounts of cardio, which is why I’m so skinny, but I should have been doing much more weightlifting and less cardio. Keep doing what you’re doing.” In other words, the stupid scale not moving exponentially and “only” losing about 20 pounds is a bunch of bologne. I legitimately have put on muscle, praise the Lord almighty. 

So there you have it folks. This is one way of getting healthy. I’m sure it’s not for everyone, but it’s definitely for me. I do not feel deprived, whatsoever. The food I eat is absolutely delicious, I’m satisifed after eating, and there are thousands of Keto-friendly recipes to make the process a breeze — including yummy alternative carb staples such as breads. 

I’ll sign off with a few insider tips and resources.

Drink a lot of water. People — listen to me — do this anyway. But especially if you’re doing Keto. I drink 3 liters of water a day. My goal is to drink 1 by noon, 1 by 5pm, and the rest before bed.

You’ll lose water weight and with that, electrolytes will flush out, which is why you want to replace them. Otherwise, you’ll get what’s called the “Keto Flu.” Don’t do that. Up your electrolytes (potassium, magnesium and sodium), ideally through whole foods but also in supplements (vitamins and/or electrolyte drinks). By eating Ketogenic-friendly foods, your body won’t get as much of this as it normally would and balanced electrolytes make you feel awesome. 

Don’t be scared of veggies just because they have carbs. Veggies are good for you, really really good for you and have tons of fiber. They’re not all created equal of course, but enjoy your greens every single day.

I don’t recommend starting out with Keto-style desserts / sweets or Keto breads. You can work those into your meals later on, once you’ve gotten fat adapted (Google what that means), but they should be considered a treat and not a staple in your everyday regimen. 

Check out these links for Dr. Fung —all things Intermittent Fasting — and Dr. Berg for all things Keto and nutrition. 

You don’t have to do this in order to follow Keto, but I have enjoyed drinking exogenous ketones for the last few months. I drink it as my “pre workout” drink or while I’m working out. It gives me lots of energy and all the benefits of ketones. I have a customer referral code if anyone would like it.

This may be the first time, in all of my diet dabbling years, that I’ve ever truly faced why I treated food like medication. It’s also the first time I’ve ever tried to lose weight and it wasn’t for an event. 

I’m turning 40 years old this summer and we may consider giving my daughter a sibling, if that’s what the good Lord wills. My ‘event’ milestones with a dress size to fit into has been replaced with the lifelong milestone of being a Mother. I want to be a confident woman who my daughter looks up to and admires my health from the inside — out. I want her to know that food is for nutrition, not for stuffing feelings down. I want her to know that the scale doesn’t define her worth. I want her to know that muscles and strength is sexy. I want her to know that she’s perfect exactly the way she is. 

[thedappleddragon]

haha here we go again

there's a lot of dumb ranting and 3 days worth of logs and a dream in here so im gonna spare evryone’s dashboard and just put it all under the cut.

tw bad memories, talk of unhealthy relations with food, and dreams about dead animals

I realized I kind of entirely forgot to write about what I did yesterday? I kind of did a lot. I know my mom wanted to work on getting tile laid out in front of her bathroom, so we worked together to scrub the concrete and wipe up all the dirt and dust and whatever was under the carpet and remove some of the nails in the floor and bring up a spiky metal strip between the bathroom door and where the carpet was. The other main thing I remember is deciding to continue work on my dress, sewing up the outer bodice, checking that the bodice and lining would fit together, deciding I’d rather have no different colored front panel, and working on the circle skirt. At first I tried cutting the fabric on my bed, but it wasn’t big enough and too lumpy. I contemplated asking my friends if I could borrow their dining table, but I ended up clearing off my own. After I traced and was in the middle of pinning, I accidentally knocked over a glass bowl that I had set on the chair. My mom heard it from the other room and had me come to her room to tell her what it was. She got angry at me, which I thought was fuckin stupid if it was an accident, but after some reflection while cleaning up the glass pieces, I kind of understood why. Mostly I got a little upset about 2 ceramic pieces I made during school breaking a little from the drop. One was a mushroom house from middle school that always makes me remember feeling like an asshole during peer review when I told my person to smooth their project more because I didn’t know “no improvement needed” was an option until I got back to my desk and saw my person saying it was good in all categories because everyone thought my project was great for some reason. The other was a bunch of flowers on a circle. It was the last project we did before quarantine hit, I think. That one is in less tough shape, just a couple flowers knocked off and a chip on one of them. They can both be glued back together, I guess. Then my mom called me back into her room to listen to her talk about wanting to eat huge amounts of food, because she’s clinically depressed with BPD and PTSD and DID and several other acronyms and her favorite coping mechanism is food, but her doctor put her on a diet so she can get her knees replaced, but recently she’s been getting into a zone where she talks about wanting to eat entire cakes and pizzas and buckets of kfc and a gallon of queso or whatever the fuck and she goes “doesn’t that sound GOOD?” And I have to laugh along and say “haha no that sounds bad actually” and get her a piece of ham or something. And every time she goes on her spiel the only thing I can think of is the greedy from the raggedy Ann and Andy musical. It’s just this horrible undulating orange blob that eats everything in sight and seeing it for the first time just made me think of mom and it made me very uncomfortable, with all the orange goo and hurling noises. Also reminds me of this horrible video game boss fight where it’s the apocalypse and a fat lady on a scooter took over the buffet and eats so much during her boss fight, during the defeat cutscene she projectile vomits everywhere and dies. My brother Greg showed me that thinking it was funny. I hated it, and I still do. He showed me a lot of things he thought were funny as a shitty little kid, and I remember several of them being very upsetting. It’s ok. I don’t want to dwell on it. But after cleaning the glass and talking to mom I brought my fabric to my room and called it a night. Oh wait my dad also helped me with some paperwork my coworker handed me so I could get on the payroll.

Today I woke up differently than I have in a long time. I set an alarm for 10 am so I could be at work by 11, but I woke up at 9 from a heavy sleep with dreams about hanging out with my friend in my room, worrying about my dirty house. I wanted to sleep longer, so I got up at 10 to have breakfast and get ready. I spent my shift changing the price tags all around the store, making everything more expensive. I’m gonna work again on Tuesday where I’ll learn how to use the register. I hope I don’t fuk it up, but I have a couple days to relax until then. Maybe I’ll work on my dress. My friends all want to go to prom together, so my new deadline will be March 2nd or a little before. I still need to buy a ticket, but I don’t have access to the link to buy one :( bleh I’m too tired right now to worry about this shit. I only worked 4 hours again today, but after I got home I felt like I could have worked longer if they gave me something else to do. The only price tags left to change were a bunch of grills and stuff I don’t know about but I don’t know if they had any other work for my to do. But I’m glad I went home tho because I was hungry and my feet hurt from standing lol. I did laundry and made myself dinner and washed my hair and drew a little bit and made the table and tbh the pacing of today has been so weird I don’t remember everything. It’s only 1am but I think I’m just gonna go to bed. my friends started talking about going to prom, and I really want to join them, but I can't figure out where/how to buy a ticket. my brain started being really mean to me, syaing that I was being annoying and pushy and that they didnt want me at prom for some reason, so I low-key almost made myself cry until my friend offered to let me be their platonic date since their partner couldn't go. 

last night I had a dream about a hard video game where when you played it, the black shadow enemies would fight you in real life, and one of them left imprints on my arm in the shape of lego bricks. they could only attack you so long as you played the game, and they tried to capture people and you were supposed to save them. I decided it was my time to play, and I walked into my garage that had turned into a cave with bat-people fused into the wall. I paid them no mind as I rescued a girl who was my irl brother, grabbing her hand and pulling her into another versoin of my garage which was uncorrupted and normal looking. she thanked me, and I said it was no problem. then I tricked her, telling her not to trust so easily, as I became one of the shadow enemies and engulfed her in a black sack, trapping her and leaving the room. I came back a couple minutes later, letting him free (now my brain told me he was my brother) telling him I just wanted to know if I was capable of tricking him, and didnt actually want to kill him or whatever.  another big chunk of my dream was taken up by me, my sister, and my dad visiting a run down petting zoo/gamestop. the petting zoo barn was very dark with low ceilings with lots of rabbits and pigs and hay. one of us accidentally killed either a pig or a tiger right next to the exit door, and I had to slink around the gamester trying to distract the owner and keep him from going in the barn and escaping at the same time. I dont remember how it ended, other than me waking up with a sore throat from breathing so deeply through my nose. I had slept on my stomach wit my pillow in my face so I could hardly breathe, and even after I woke up I felt like I wasnt getting enough air. I HATE that feeling, I always felt like I was suffocating in middle school for some reason. I thinkk somethings wrong with my airway but im not gonna do anything about it. im gonna continue to spend 80% of my day laying down so my resting heart rate and breathing speed is slower than an goddamn sloth. whatever.

right now as im laying in bed typing this I feel utterly unpoductive but I KNOW I did SOME shit today. but yeah mostly I relaxed. I worked on my dress, removing and replacing the blue front panel. I lost my exacto knife somewhere so I went to dollar tree to get a knockoff, along with snacks for mom and my sister. the blades aren't as sharp as exacto, but I still know where the name brands blades are so maybe Ill try and see if they're compatible. when I open the package everything was oily and gross, so I washed everything off with soap and water before I used them to cut the threads of the panel seams. I could have used my seam ripper but I wanted to get a replacement craft knife anyway. its kinda neat that it came with 6 different shaped blades for different crafts :) but uhh I also cut out the other half of the circle skirt of the dress, and I have a bunch of extra fabric left over. probably enough to make a whole other bodess if I wanted too. I used my sewing machine to attach the new front panel, and I was hoping to get more sewing done tonight, but when I asked my sister if it was ok for me to use my sewing machine (it right next to the wall between our rooms so she can hear it from there) she said she was going to bed soon so I just attatched the front panel and called it a night. so that kinda sucked. I still have another day tomorrow before I have to work again, and I can still work on my dress on Tuesday after work. idk why my brain thinks that one 4 hour shift is gonna take up my entire day lmao. I just have to get the whole thing done by may 2nd. GOD that reminds me, im gonna be so busy next month. I have six events back to back happening like every other day, plus work. oof. I'll have to let my boss know, but idk If that's gonna make him mad. I've already got pretty comfortable with the lady in charge of the garden center who’s taken lead position while the manager is on vacation, but I dont think I;ll every understand my boss. he’s a sarcastic busy old man and NOT AT ALL approachable. whatever. really the only other tings I did today were drink a shit ton of water play harvest moon, spend too much time on tiktok, and sraw a couple dum things for my friends’ princess au. I fucking HATE the drawing I did for Anna, so I designed her a secondary outfit more inspired by sky pirate bohemian vibes, since she rules over the floating islands. idk if I'll replace her old outfit with the new one in the lineup or just re-draw her old one with better shapes and composition and match the style better or what. I just need it changed eventually becasuse it looks like ass. tbh now that ve taken a little bit of time away from the princess au, there are a couple designs im not 100% satisfied with. but I know that if I go back and make them more detailed or whatever the’ll be more of a hassle to draw and aslkdfhalksdf I dont know anymore. I'm still tied up about color pallets and trying to give everyone a distinct color, and im a little upset it doesn't quite work, and FUCK dude the edgy one’s lore and character are weird and I kind of want to revise it to make it a little nicer but its not my character and I need to stop shoving my dirty little mitts into everyone’s ocs and AHAGHRGHGARGHHG idk man. her power is necromancy and she has a skeleton army, which I think I kinda cool, but I also think it would be neat if her powers extended beyond just that to communing with the dead, helping them find rest, and THEN maybe it can branch into helping fallen soldiers fight again to help them with unfinished buisness. and then if she goes feral and starts abusing her powers, she ignores all the communication and concent with the dead and instead magically rips them from thr ground to do her bidding and they’re uncontrollable and violent and aimless, just like her mind slipping from the magical blight infecting her. idk man we’re till working on a lot of lore. her concept could be SO COOL with just that little bit of extra thought, but so far it’s just MY POWER IS DEATH IM SO EDGY. ugh I know its fuckin rude to bash your friends oc ideas and I might be too overbearing and controlling of this au but dammit im tired and im mean sometimes and my ego is through the goddamn roof and im so sexy and im always right and my meat is huge. ah shit I rpomised my friend I would help her with character design for the dead king but I was busy when she firat asked me and now im not busy but im not doing it ugh. im just frustrated right now because I spent wayyyy to fuckin long just laying in bed watching tikotks and youtube and playing harvest moon an doing jack shit all day. but hey at least I attempted to get a new social security card again today. and them promptly gave up when they said my adress was invalid. again. I feel like im in an uncomfortable medium between having no plans and worrying about the future and having too many plans all the time oh my god. ive been so focused on getting a job and then having a job and making this dress I completely forgot about college shit. thankfully there's no hard deadlines coming up that I haven't already finished. whatever I dont really want to worry about all this hit right now, im just gonna take it one day at a time. (haha it feels like my angel oc just stepped in. how nice of him :) )

[gainerstories]

Holiday Heft: Halloween

“Wow you look so different,” said my sister, Emily, “healthier.”

I knew full well what “healthier” meant. It meant I was fat, hairy, and pale. You see, I had checked into rehab two months ago at the beginning of September for a coke and pill addiction. I was something of a party boy, a circuit gay if you will, and the lifestyle eventually caught up to me. A few days after my thirtieth birthday I almost overdosed and woke up in a hospital covered in my own blood. The lining of my nose was falling out. After that, I checked into rehab and kicked all of my habits: drugs, booze, boys, and even cigarettes. The problem was, I picked up another habit: food. This was common in rehab, and a lot of people spoke of their extra pudge with pride because it was a sign of their recovery. I tried to adopt this outlook, despite the fear that no one would want to fuck me once I was clean. It didn’t help that I had turned thirty which meant my fuckability in the gay community was already plummeting. I checked in to the recovery program at 5’10” and 120 pounds. I stood at my parent’s doorstep at 140 pounds.

“Well you know what rehab will do to yah,” I said and slapped the bit of fat clinging to my abdomen. “And they don’t even have tanning booths there!”

We laughed and I stepped inside. It was strange to be back home in Connecticut. Once I had moved to San Francisco I rarely visited, and when I did it was for very brief periods of time. Everything looked the same in my ancestral home, but my family appeared older. My parents were welcoming, but the air was filled with disappointment. I dropped my stuff in my room and helped my mom prepare for Halloween night. She was leaving with my Dad on a business trip in a few hours and it was up to me and my sister to pass out the candy.

As the sun began to set, the first of the tick-or-treaters arrived. After handing out candy for maybe fifteen minutes, my 21 year old sister abruptly announced she had a party to go to and abandoned me. We lived in a wealthy suburb that was wildly popular on Halloween and I was a bit annoyed I was stuck here alone. It also didn’t help that I was able to watch on social media as all my friends in San Francisco got plastered. Meanwhile, I was handing out candy to kindergarteners. To distract myself I put on a horror movie and stretched out on the couch. I was craving a beer or at least some weed, but resisted and ordered a pizza instead.

My stomach was growling as I manned the door, so I decided to help myself to a few treats after each group left. I was already a bit full of candy when the pizza arrived, but I ate it anyway out of boredom. After killing the small pie in record time, I realized I didn’t feel completely satiated. My stomach had definitely grown to accommodate more when I was in rehab, leaving me with a surprising appetite. Back in the day, one slice of pizza would would leave me feeling bloated and fat. Now one slice felt like nothing. The Halloween candy was right in front of me so I absent mindedly continued to snack through my movie.

As I was choosing the next flick to put on the door bell rang. I opened up to a chorus of “trick-or-treat” and reached for some candy. I was shocked to see the bowl was nearly empty. How was that possible? Was I handing out too much? The night was still young and more kids were certain to stop by. After the kids left I dug through the kitchen looking for more candy. I knew my mom had bought three mega sized bags of Halloween treats, but they were all empty and I couldn’t find any more. I did find some bags of chocolate chips for baking, but nothing individually wrapped that I could pass out. What had happened? The only answer remaining was that I plowed through the candy myself. A wave of anxiety washed over me as I dually realized that not only was I a fat pig, but that I was going to have to turn the lights off at 8pm and hope the neighbors didn’t gossip or tell my parents. I wanted nothing more than a xanax to calm my nerves, but instead I opened a bag of the chocolate chips for some much needed comfort. What the fuck- might as well embrace being a fat ass. I put on another movie and reclined on the couch with my chocolate.

I woke up to my sister drunkenly stumbling home with a box from Pizza Hut. I looked down to see brown stains across my shirt and two empty bags of chocolate chips on the floor. Luckily, she was too drunk to notice my blatant gluttony.

“Hey brotherrr, wants join me for some dank ass pizza?”

I complied, even though I hate Pizza Hut, and she plopped down on the couch next to me. I tried to ask about her night but she could barely form words as she struggled to finish one slice. Immediately after she dozed off. I removed her shoes, covered her in a blanket, and cleaned up the house a bit. It was almost 2am but I was wide awake. My stomach was noticeably bloated from all the pizza and candy, but I figured one more slice before bed wouldn’t hurt. In fact, it would probably help me fall asleep. Before I knew it, the whole pizza was gone and my gut was distended and tight. I was uncomfortably full. It was a strange and foreign sensation that only occurred on the occasional thanksgiving. What would I tell Emily about her pizza? I destroyed the box and hid it at the bottom of the trash can. Hopefully she wouldn’t remember getting it, and if she did I would tell her there was only two slices in the box when she got home. I tried to ignore my aching stomach and not think about how out of control my appetite had become as I headed to bed.

I woke up the next morning still bloated and filled with guilt. I needed to get myself together. I decided to skip breakfast, throw on some tennis shoes, and go for a jog. It didn’t take long before I was drenched in sweat, out of breath and all around miserable. I persevered, however, and clocked three miles. I decided that my plan for the day was to make a green smoothie, go to the tanning salon, and then buy a gym membership. It was time I started looking like the old Levi, just without the excessive drugs, partying, and sex. I got home feeling refreshed and greeted Emily in the kitchen as she was making coffee. She looked super hungover.

“Fuck I’m so glad you’re home,” she said.

“How do you feel?” I asked.

“How do you think?” She struggled to chuckled. “I need hangover food ASAP. Come with me to the 50s diner?”

“I was gonna make a smoothie, and then...”

“Fuck that, I need greasy food and some company. Pleeease Levi? You don’t have to order anything, just provide conversation.”

I sighed and complied. Who was I to turn her down when I’d been absent for so many years? I changed clothes and we headed to the diner. Emily ordered an excessive spread of pancakes, hash browns and a milkshake. I ordered French toast and a side of fruit.

Our food arrived and it all looked delicious, plus I was positively starving. I tried to pace myself although I couldn’t help but to gobble up every morsel of the gooey French toast. Emily claimed to be full after only a few bites and continually shoved her food onto my plate. I verbally contested this, but my actions proved otherwise. The crispness of the overdone hash browns was really hitting the spot, and I started grabbing them off her plate to drench them in ketchup and ranch. I definitely ate the majority of that dish. To Emily’s credit, she did eat most of the pancakes but I helped polish them off. The milkshake, however, was simply beyond her capacity. It was almost completely melted, but I still took it to go. It felt wasteful to leave. Plus, I had a weak spot for this diner’s milkshakes, melted or frozen. I guzzled it down halfway through the drive.

My first week back home continued in a similar fashion, which is to say it was pretty food-centric. My family took me on several sumptuous outings which usually consisted of me eating their leftovers. Furthermore, my newly sober status meant that if I wanted to hang out with any of my old friends our options for activities were pretty limited. More often than not, we would get lunch or dinner. It also didn’t help that my mom bought an excess of discount Halloween candy to put out around the house. The result was that I was almost constantly snacking on something sugary and sweet. In my defense, I did try to go jogging when I could muster the energy, but it was always a struggle. And, needless to say, I never got that gym membership.

It’s not like I was oblivious to the fact that I was developing some bad eating habits and a bit of extra padding. I could feel my shirts clinging to my poochy belly and my thighs suctioned into skinny jeans. There was no avoiding how the waist of all my pants forced the fat around my waist to bulge out and strain the lower half of my T-shirts. To avoid this I began to wear sweatpants and basketball shorts almost daily. Elastic not only alleviated the discomfort of a tight waistband, but also didn’t produce an unbecoming muffin top effect. Strangely, I was generally unconcerned about my physique. I figured I could always lose the weight and that my sobriety and family time was more important. However, this didn’t mean I wasn’t shocked when I stepped on the scale a week after Halloween to find myself clocking in at 151 pounds. That was an 11 pound gain of what was certainly pure fat. I knew I’d been unhealthy, but 11 pounds in one week? Something must be wrong. I scheduled an appointment with my doctor for the next morning.

I struggled to find clothes that flattered my figure while I getting dressed for my appointment. Eventually I settled on all black, even though the button of my jeans felt like it would burst at any moment. When I arrived, my doctor took all the usual tests and then sat me down for a conversation.

“I understand you’re concerned about your weight, but frankly you shouldn’t be. 160 pounds is perfectly healthy for someone with your age an height.”

“160?!” I responded. “My scale at home was ten less than that.”

“Perhaps a full stomach or heavier clothes can account for the discrepancy. Regardless, you shouldn’t be too worried. I’m sure you’re finding that your metabolism is not what it once was, and this is normal for men your age. You are about fifteen pounds shy of an overweight BMI, so what we want to do is maintain your current weight with healthy eating and light exercise. I know you’re aware that weight gain is often an effect of newfound sobriety, and not cause for alarm. You should really feel proud of yourself, Levi. Don’t sweat the small stuff.”

As I left the doctors office, I did feel better about myself. Still, if I wanted to ever get laid again, I needed to cut some weight. Sobriety meant a fresh start and I should start caring for myself accordingly. When I got home I busted out the razor and shaved off all my body hair. I went to Walgreens for some tanning lotion and then H&M for some better fitting clothes. I knew I had to invest in my appearance if I was going to take make lasting change. That is, after all, how I got sober in the first place.

Finally, after a full day of self-care and healthy eating I returned home for a long bath and a face mask. As I walked in the door a wonderful buttery aroma filled my nose. I knew instantly what it was: my mom was baking.

“Honey, I’m so glad you’re back! I was struck with the holiday spirit and decided to do some baking. I need you try everything and tell me how it is.”

“Mom, I’m really trying to watch my weight right now.”

“Oh silly, just one slice of each dish. I insist. There’s Oreo cheesecake, pecan pie, and my special dark chocolate banana bread that you love.”

That banana bread was my weakness and my stomach was growling after a full day of eating vegan. I had to resist if I ever wanted to get laid again. I prepared myself to turn her down and took a deep breath. I don’t know if it was the smell in the air or what, but the words coming out of my mouth were not what I intended.

“What the hell, I’ll take two slices of the banana bread.”

This was going to be a long Holiday season.

[passportrequired]

Gesundheit! Fitness, Weightloss, Wine, Dessert and Clarity in Europe

While we borrowed “gesundheit” to mean good health when someone sneezes, it translates into health and fitness. Speaking of foreign countries and trasnlation, visit this article if you need to Professionally translate a document.

Why am I worried about gesundheit? Well because I barely made it to London, England on April 17th, before I had to jump on a plane to Vienna, Austria. Day one in Vienna I found myself in the gym at the Le Meridien dancing with my eyes closed to Tony Braxton and Loon’s “Hit the Freeway”. I had just finished weights and a bunch of other exercises and dancing was my reward to self for working out while on vacation in Europe. What was I thinking? I should be drunk off cheap wine or gin spritzers and stuffing my face with schnitzel!

Instead… Ich habe mich auf Reisen der Gesundheit verschrieben. (I was committed to health while traveling.)

When I missed my flight to London, I thought for sure my vacation started and stopped in that one moment. It was 4,000USD to change my premium economy ticket! That didn’t even include the change fee, smh.

I had carefully planned everything. I knew exactly what snacks I was bringing for Curry puppy and I packed all his food and snacks two days in advance and placed in the back of the X5. I checked with my nephew to see if the Trader Joe’s is still in West Hartford, Connecticut so I could buy his extras and I crossed him off my list. I was headed to CT so I can leave Curry while I chased clarity in Europe.

I woke up super early and packed my suitcase, Curry’s toys and bed in the car. As soon as I was about to leave, I let him outside to pee and he ran off to Charles’ house. Okay, I can dig. At 4am I didn’t want him running over to Trenton Place to Higgins’s house (his bestie), so him running next door was cool. Curry puppy was always trying to run off somewhere, it’s his little game he likes to play with mommy. A dangerous one at 4am. I got him back. Packed him in the car and I checked off him, my luggage, water, healthy bars for me to eat on the ride so I wouldn’t stop on the New Jersey Turnpike and buy junk. Check! Check! Check! It was the perfect pack.

I drove 6 hours to my sister’s house. I gallivant for a few days. Played electronic UNO with the kids ‘til late at night. Even decided since I had time on my hands I might as well get my hair done. Check!

Now, it’s super hard not to eat unhealthy at my sister’s house. Real Jamaican food being cooked here. Curry chicken. Rice and peas. Oxtail. Jeez. I feel like I’m in Jamaica for the first leg of my trip. Just pure yummy Michelle food. Resistance is low in Bloomfield, Connecticut. I went to Trader Joe’s and bought 4 cases of water to counteract any craziness. Check! It’s important to know I don’t practice deprivation. I eat. Weight loss happens regardless. Mainly because when I’m home I’m strict. I’m on vacation. Live a little. Check!

I was so relaxed. Then comes departure day. Or night. It was dark out. I woke up at 2am. Exhausted I just went to bed at 1am. Why won’t I sleep? Ugh. I woke my nephew up. We had to drive to JFK for my 7:55am flight. But as soon as I got up to leave, I knew. I knew I had forgotten my passport at my home in the safe, 6 hours away in DC. I looked at the time and I looked at my nephew and I wanted to cry. I had the whole weekend. I could have driven to DC and back, or even had my passport FedExed. Man, oh man. Alright. No point fussing. Let’s figure this out. How? Passport is required. I was screwed.

British airways didn’t open until 7am!!! Wtf. I’m definitely panicking now. Okay. Okay. Doesn’t matter. Life goes on. Two days of stress eating crap, I was sure I put back the 10lbs I had lost at my weigh-in at the weight loss center. All day and I barely drank any of the water I bought. I finally sorted it out and I got on a plane two days later and made a commitment to get my shit together. My weight loss shit together that is.

The point of the back story is nothing ever goes as planned. Life happens. You have to be prepared. I actually thought that in October when I jumped on this weight loss journey that being conscious of my emotional eating and my triggers would always make me prepared. Stress eating? No problem. I had it under control is what I thought to myself. I keep watching the weight drop because I was focused. First it was only diet and mind games for 3 months with light walking. Me and my trainer agreed to delay starting so I could ease my body of some of the weight so I am not discouraged by the workouts. I already hate the gym.

The idea was, if I felt too much pain then I would associate it with the gym and get discouraged, or plain whole STOP. Like I had done in the past. I was playing so much psychological mind games with myself. Shit I didn’t even need to do that when I was eating the food that put the weight on in the first place. Crazy, right? But clearly forgetting my passport and dealing with that stress and being in a trigger environment in Connecticut was too much to handle and I realized we are never fully prepared. It’s what we do next that matters. I was stressed because I needed this vacation – this thought trip. My soul yearned for it. And I had carefully and thoughtfully planned it. I had to go.

It was a photo from my family reunion that encouraged me to get moving. I’ve never battled too much with self-esteem so I never once looked in the mirror and saw an ugly face, but I definitely wrestled with what fat I would cut off and, where, if I could just take a knife and do it. I took one look at me in that pink dress in that photo and I realized that night I had to put on flip flops because my ankles were swollen from the 6-hour drive to Connecticut from DC. I also looked at the dress and my belly filled out so much of it I couldn’t wait around to have that heart attack most black people have in their 50s. While my face looked super young and people think I’m anywhere between 28 and 35, I was turning 43 that coming January and I needed to finally make a change.

In October 2018, I became super focused and I went to a weight loss center and lost 30lbs quickly. My joints felt good. I went to the trainer and we decided on one day a week. It seems like nothing but it has been so effective. I started to build a relationship with fitness that I hadn’t have in a long time. We are now at two to three days a week.

Bill Walker at Balance Gym in DC and I do weight training with kettle bells and resistance weights. He is the best trainer I’ve ever had. And I’ve had several. Sometimes I get through the time and I’m like that’s it? And he’s like well done. Now don’t get me wrong, Bill makes me feel like I’m going to die with every workout lol. But I say “that’s it” because for the first time I’m actually enjoying my workouts. I want to show up. I can only attribute that to Bill and his style of training. Never the seller, more focused on my care and my outcome. I have a left knee injury, a back injury and carpal tunnel in my left hand along with a strained right ankle from surgery. But Bill is so knowledgeable in joint and muscle pain that we would shift the workouts depending on what ailment I was having. It was a no brainer when I decided to sign up for a full 6 months of training.

I found my way out of Connecticut on an American Airlines flight and my first stop was London. I got to Heathrow late. I ate something light when I got to Misha’s. I slept the next day. Sleep is so important when you’re trying to lose weight and I don’t get enough of it so when I can, I do. I am naturally an insomniac. My thoughts and ideas flow better at night. This is either true or we insomniacs think so and have fully convinced ourselves of it :-).

I ate one boiled egg and a toast and salami for breakfast. The salami wasn’t the best option but I drank lots of water. Have to keep my ankles skinny especially after flying. My ankles always swell. Ugh. I watched a movie. Lounged and took another nap. Apparently, I was exhausted. So much drama with the airline and flight. I finally got up put on my gym clothes and decided to walk the streets of London and people watch. This is how I get my exercise when there is no gym. Getting my steps in. I actually love that about UK and Europe. Walking is so easy. And people are funny to watch. The pubs were already packed. It was a holiday weekend and they started early on that pint of Guinness.

The thing is, vacations and weight loss are not synonymous because we want to cheat. We have garnered this idea that being on vacation means we have to binge eat and stuff our faces with the worse foods. My goal was to taste everything. But I wasn’t planning on being stuffed. If I was stuffed, I couldn’t walk and I couldn’t people watch. What’s the point of being on vacation in a food coma? I actually like to see and explore the places I visit.

I made soup and festival for dinner and had a beer. I drank more water. The next day I was on a plane to Vienna. After getting sick on schnitzel I knew I had to be careful with foods in Vienna. Everything seems fried or processed into sausages. So, I made sure there was a salad or something light at every restaurant we dined, so I can have a healthy option. I drank plenty of water. I never shy away from desserts or alcohol but I’m not naturally a dessert eater so I don’t always indulge. But alcohol – definitely. Wine was cheap in Vienna and though not as cheap, gin spritzers were a “thing” and very delicious.

I told myself I had to work out at least once in every city I traveled to. With Misha, I was going to walk more than the average person anyway. We did over 12,000 steps a day. But I craved my Bill exercises. I went into the basement of the Le Meridien and was elated when I saw kettle bells. Great gym. I had my Bose headphones and I blasted some hip hop and rap and got to it. After my Bill reps I stretched. I was amped. Feeling good about myself I put on some hip hop and danced my ass off. I danced for another 20 minutes. I drank more and more water. In case you haven’t noticed, besides alcohol, I only drink water.

Misha and I walked so much I could hear the weight say, “I give up” and got off the next train stop before I could. We rode the train and walked everywhere. We went to Schöenbrunn Palace and got lost in the maze and even took unforbidden photos inside the palace. We visited the Jewish Museum and saw some amazing exhibits including that of Arik Brauer. We saw a horse show at the Spanische Hofreitschule Riding School and watched an opera, which left me singing “Nichola” the whole night. It was the only word I could remember since the language eludes me. We ate Art on a plate at the Pramerl and the Wolf in Roseau, Vienna. We took photos by the Hofberg Imperial Palace and we ate dinner at one of Vienna’s oldest restaurants. We had wine and downed calamari and mussels at Naschmarkt. We ate street food in Vienna City Centre. We did so much I can barely remember most of it. Like I said, I was with Misha and we did 12000 steps or more a day.

Misha went back to London and I went off to St. Julian, Malta. The first day was chill. Lazy and lounge. Malta was a breath of fresh air. Beautiful. View outside my balcony was to die for. I could retire here. The Mediterranean Sea looked amazing. Day two was sightseeing and walking. I ate whatever I wanted. No gym. And water was scarce. The water was not drinkable so restaurants don’t offer it up unless you buy. And I hadn’t noticed they didn’t bring any cause me and Kerina were drinking wine and beer. Malta was scenic. I ate rabbit (tastes like chicken), and we sat at the top overlook at City Lounge in Valetta and ate and drank and laughed.

Amsterdam was my reboot. First day we found a treasure right next to the hotel called Dragons Delight. Oat milk latte and avocado toast with scrambled eggs. This is too easy, I thought. Kerina worked out with me first day in the hotel gym, and we walked around Rembrandt Square that night checking out food, nightlife and coffee shops.

My fake henna tattoo from Malta got five Moroccan boys’ attention and I stopped so they could read the Arik Brauer quote I picked up at the Jewish Museum in Vienna. “There was never a manifesto, it simply” just “happened”. I added just to put my own spin on it. We chatted them up for a little bit. I exchanged numbers with one of them and carried on. He thought I was 24. The next day we did 17700 steps walking from our hotel in the Pijp to Museum quarter and Vondelpark. Once Kerina left I made sure I ate well and kept moving.

While I explored Amsterdam some more, I couldn’t give up my oat milk latte. I went to dragons delight daily. Partly because they serve breakfast all day. Yum! Jade, Luca and Jasom are super sweet. Jasom was always checking what else I needed. Jade and I chatted about her bulldog pups back in England, while I went on about missing Curry puppy. But Luca told me they made sure the freshest ingredients were on hand and had monthly specials. This month, I was lucky it was the smashed spicy avocado toast with scrambled eggs. Good healthy food, good hot drinks with non-lactose options like oat milk and good people. I couldn’t have asked for nothing more in the Pijp. Except on King’s day, I watched the orange clothes roll by on boats. I didn’t get caught up in the crowd, but I enjoyed the scenery.

Malaga, Spain was the final leg of my trip and I got there late. This city was mine to enjoy alone. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. The next morning, I hit the streets and committed to a Misha day filled with at least 12000 steps and more if I could. I was going to forego public transportation and use my Chevy two (feet). It was the home of Pablo Picasso. The history of the Moors. Food and wine were cheap. Museums were free. I was determined to see it all. My clothes felt looser and I knew my weight shifted for the better.

Weight loss is at the forefront, but it wasn’t going to trap me either. Not every person over weight eats unhealthily. My cholesterol levels are great. I started clean eating after doing an amazing program with Emmanuel Galland in NYC. Clean eating means my meals are generally wholesome. Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s have been my rock! My problem was always over indulging and emotionally eating, never eating crappy foods like fast foods or greasy foods.

But with any weight loss program, you have to be ready, and it has to be internal. It’s a quest that must be accomplished by you, and you alone can make it happen. What I’ve learned so far and still learning is that consistency is key. Staying on course no matter how discouraged and feeling defeated or giving up is not an option. Those feelings are crap. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Stay on course. Nothing is easy. Keep at it and DO NOT look purely to others for support. While there are resources out there, they are not for everyone; therefore, encouragement has to come from within. Be your own cheerleader. And celebrate every win. Even if it’s small. I celebrated a big (30lb loss) with a trip to London.

I drank plenty of water in Malaga. The perks of being a Marriott Elite member, whatever you ask for you get. They were nice enough to give me more than the 2 bottles per day and so I told them to keep it coming.

I flew from Malaga back to Gatwick and then head to Heathrow where I would stay one night at the Marriott Moxy. Small, efficient and totally eclectic this hotel was noisy. I actually booked it to relax from my trip. However, I walked past a food truck and into the hotel, which had a red carpet laid out and girls dressed skimpily, handing me champagne. Where was I? After checking in at the bar (yes, the bar), I went upstairs, showered, changed and came back down to party. Who needs rest? I danced and chatted all night with a lady from Holland. We listened to a live band with steel drums, watched calypso dancers gyrate hips with practically no clothes on, took photos with a snake, drank free alcohol and ate free food. I was exhausted and hoped I wouldn’t miss my flight back to New York, but getting my exercise through dancing was fun.

When I got back from Europe, I had lost more weight. I had found my clarity while drinking wine and eating dessert, yet still managed to work out and lose weight. I call that success! I’m not encouraging anyone who is trying to lose weight to eat dessert because if it is a trigger then you have to be careful. However, I encourage consciousness, plenty of water, sleep when you can or just rest, walking everywhere, stop often if that’s what you have to do to reboot and hit the gym if your hotel has one, and if you can. Even if it’s just 15-20 minutes of weight training or on the treadmill or bike. Bike if you’re in Amsterdam. And it is a vacation, so enjoy it. I never forego any alcohol. I had wine, whiskey and beer. Food sizes are naturally smaller in Europe anyway so for an American traveler, I was already eating less.

I’ll let you in on a little secret, Vienna was the first time I worked out alone in a gym without Bill. It was quite an accomplishment. It’s definitely a “win” to celebrate and I am very proud of the relationship I have been building with fitness. I celebrated this big win by dancing for 20 minutes (big smiles). I start yoga again very soon. Who knows, my next PR article might be a yoga retreat in Bali.

Whether you’re touring Europe or staying at home and trying to lose weight. Don’t let it define you. Carve out how you plan to do it. Take charge and go for it. Don’t be discouraged by any setbacks. Life isn’t perfect. No such thing. Don’t forget to live your best life. Always. And if you’re an insomniac like me – drink lots of water. Oh, by the way, if in one night you down a whole bottle of wine in Malaga, Spain because you thought it was so cheap, drink more water. And make sure your next trip requires passport. I always do. It’s how I get my clarity. Besides, it’s less fun if you go domestic 😊.

Travel often. Travel well. Until next time – Gesundheit!

Gesundheit! Fitness, Weightloss, Wine, Dessert and Clarity in Europe was originally published on Passport Required

[wholerestart-blog]

Six Reasons You Can't Lose Weight

New Post has been published on https://wholerestart.com/six-reasons-you-cant-lose-weight/

Six Reasons You Can't Lose Weight

When I owned a gym I watched countless people struggle with losing weight. If they did lose it, it was almost a given that they would eventually gain it back. Through my nutrition program, I was able to help countless people gain a healthy lifestyle. Consistently, I saw the same behaviors and problems during those coaching sessions. Here are the top six reasons you can’t lose weight.

I hardly eat anything!

One of the biggest reasons many people struggle with losing weight and staying in top condition is that they are not eating nutritiously. There are many diets out there that encourage people to cut their calories, carbs, fat grams, etc. to ridiculously small levels.

The human body is a wonderful and resourceful thing. When you try to lose weight by restricting your calories in your body fights back. This is commonly known as starvation mode.

As you restrict calories and add exercise you start to create a deficit. This causes your body to burn fat. Unfortunately, your body is hard-wired for survival and doesn’t see this calorie restriction and weight loss as anything but the potential to starve to death. While you know that you are doing this intentionally your body does not. So it attempts to increase hunger, make you feel more apathetic to conserve energy and in general try to keep you alive.

The moral of the story is that the more radically you reduce your intake of calories the more the body fights you and the tougher it becomes. That’s why 1-2 lbs of weight loss a week is key.

Last, be sure that you are writing down what you are actually eating every day. There are many great apps for this like Fitness Pal. I have seen it dramatically help people to lose weight when they are keeping a daily account of what they are eating. Sometimes you don’t realize how often you graze throughout the day.

Take it one step further and find an accountability partner. You don’t have to pay, find a friend that may also want to lose weight and agree to have to show each other your journals once per week.

I’m hungry all of the time!

Insulin to name the biggest culprit in hormone dysregulation may be part of your problem. Insulin is a hormone that is meant to help deal with all of the energy you consume after you eat. You’re either burning it for energy or storing it as fat.

In a healthy body the insulin level spikes immediately after eating. Whether you eat carbs or protein. However, sometimes the body doesn’t regulate the hormone right and your insulin stays high.

When insulin is chronically elevated the body never reverts to burning its storage of energy (aka fat). What does this mean? You may feel like you’re starving but never lose weight.

The danger is that eventually, chronically elevated insulin can lead to diabetes.

How did you get here? Chronically elevated insulin is typically caused by excess fat specifically the kind stored around the middle of your body. Sleep deprivation, lack of exercise, and smoking can also contribute.

To read more about this I suggest this excellent article on sustainable weight loss.

I hate Exercise!

I have seen it all when it comes to exercise done wrong. Here are just a few common mistakes people make when it comes to exercise.

Excessive: It may be in response to our fast-paced, instant gratification lifestyles. We start something new and we go hard so we can see quick results. People come to the gym for the first time in years and just absolutely punish themselves. I mean the running ten miles uphill while stopping to do 25 burpees every 2 minutes kind of punishment. Chillax! Why not start with something sustainable? Maybe walking 20 minutes every day? You can do anything for just 20 minutes, right? Find it boring? Try a book on audible while you walk. If you go so hard that you hate it you won’t do it again. Increase your workouts as you lose weight and gain muscle. Challenge yourself to do more as your workout becomes easy.

No Variety: It would be like if you ate the same food every day for the rest of your life. Spice it up. Do something different. Pre-plan your workouts one day a week for the next seven days. Think about what you’re going to do and when. Beach Body has all kinds of workouts on their on-demand program if you are looking for some variety and don’t want to join a gym.

Discipline: It’s a Monday, my legs hurt, my job is stressful, I have friends coming over, my house is a mess, I have split ends… I’ve heard all of the excuses in the book. Pick a time every day that will work for you and do it as if your life depends on it because it does.

Not enough: Matthew McConaughey says to sweat a little every day. Do whatever that looks like for you, note that “I chase my kids around all day” is not actually considered a form of exercise it’s more a form of sleep deprivation. 🙂

Consistency: It’s forever, every week, all of the time. The consistency is what makes the difference. It’s like brushing your teeth, you have to brush them for 2 minutes twice a day every day. Brushing them for 2 minutes once per week will likely result in your teeth falling out.

I love OrangeTheory, it’s consistent, it’s variety, it’s “go at my pace”. I can see when I am way overdoing or slacking off on the heart monitor. You can read my article about it here.

I am addicted….chips/sweets!

Whether you love dessert or love chips you have a sugar addiction. Sugar can be addictive and may be part of the reason that you struggle to lose weight. Your brain is constantly sending you messages about how you can get your next sugar fix! Listen to me, you can not out “will power” an addiction that you keep feeding. Eventually, it will win. Read my article about sugar here.

It’s classic addictive behavior, most people can’t imagine giving up gluten because they can’t fathom giving up the sugar. Since the American diet is laced with sugar in just about every processed food item it is hard to avoid.

Try this experiment with yourself the next time you get a craving for a cookie or a chip. Stop and consider if you are actually hungry. The way I determine this is to think about eating some broccoli or a meat stick as a snack instead. Huh! I’m not as hungry as I thought I was.

Does it mean that if you eat sugar you are destined to be overweight? You know you best. I know some people who can smoke an occasional cigarette but don’t become addicted, rather the exception than the rule. If you know you don’t have that level of discipline, stop tempting yourself beyond what you are capable of enduring and work on eliminating sugar.

The “It’s Not Fair” mentality

If you value food, sugar, and lack of exercise in your life more than you value how you look, feel, or a longer life with your loved ones than stop worrying about it! I have a close friend that totally is comfortable with himself and couldn’t care less about any of those things.

Embrace you! Be happy in your skin and be comfortable with your decision. What is really important to you? Stop and really think about it. Your body can take a ton of abuse and keep on going. In fact, it probably already has. You do you and stop worrying about what’s important to other people.

If on the other hand how you look, feel, and longer life is more important than its time to give up the “It’s not fair” mentality. It’s just food, it’s not you, it’s not your life, your kids, your friends, your work.

Stop viewing food as a source of happiness. Stop viewing eating healthy as deprivation of enjoyment. Enjoy your life, eat to stay alive. Only eat when you’re hungry and then only eat until you’re satisfied not stuffed.

When you go out for dinner with friends focus on enjoying their company rather than focusing on the food. Focus on the healthy things you are going to eat that will contribute to many more occasions that you can enjoy.

Gut Health

You are the host to 1,000’s of microbes that help you stay alive. They live in your large intestine. When we eat processed food and artificial sweeteners like aspartame we can destroy the healthy gut bacteria and allow bad bacteria to enter.

Several well-known studies have shown that weight gain can be linked to an unhealthy gut biome. One study compared two identical twins one slender and one obese. In the study, they found that the twins had very different microbes living in their gut. This challenged the genetics theory on obesity for scientists.

Even more interesting, the results were mimicked in mice. The gut biome from the slender twin given to mice yielded slender mice while the gut biome from the obese twin yielded obese mice.

Improving gut health can be done in a few different ways. You can learn about many ways to achieve this in this great article. My advice? Start with a probiotic, try this one. Consider a Paleo, Whole30 or even Vegan approach to eating. You can read my article here on what that means. You can also check out some of my favorite recipes here or join my mailing list!

Last prescription medications including antibiotics can ruin your gut health. It is one of the reasons that I stopped taking anti-depressants and found alternatives through clean eating with the help of my naturopathic doctor. You can learn a lot about it from Kelly Brogan MD. Start by visiting her website here.

I am not advocating going without antibiotics or stopping immunizations. That is a personal decision. However, knowing that being on a course of antibiotics can really mess with your gut health may help you understand what’s happening with your body. I rarely get sick, maybe once every two to three years. If I am prescribed an antibiotic, I take it, and then I get very strict on getting my gut biome back to healthy afterward.

In conclusion, there are a lot of reasons people can’t lose weight. Much of it starts with admitting there is no easy button and that this needs to be part of your life. Go to work at it as you do personal hygiene it’s what you do to take care of yourself like showering, brushing your teeth, and combing your hair.

You can do it, and we can help!