#but they’re good because i can barely taste the egg especially the egg yolk

[itskenickie]

i wish i enjoyed eggs but they just taste so bad 😭

[calumance]

can you write something about maybe when the reader was pregnant cal would post a monthly update it would be ultra sound with the reader and cal and duke and every month her belly would grow bigger with every family photo and all the fans would look forward to a monthly post because he was always so inactive on instagram and it’s just fluff around and maybe cal having a baby photoshoot and taking pics of mama 😭😭😭

UM YES. This is so fucking cute, oh my LORD. 😭😭😭

        The minute Calum’s eyes landed on the positive pregnancy tests, his eyes filled with tears. A smile stretched across his face, a happy laugh escaped his chest. His hands reached up towards his hair and he pulled at his blonde locks in disbelief that you were carrying his child. “Are you serious?” He asked as the tears finally spilled from the rim of his eyes. You nodded, there were four positive tests there, it’s unlikely that four positives would be false. He dropped his hands from his hair and threw his arms around you. You cried with him, happy that your efforts to have a baby have finally paid off. The second he let go of you, and collected himself, he pulled out his phone and arranged the positive tests in an aesthetically pleasing way and snapped a picture. He smiled and looked at you, “This is too exciting to not post.”

        Calum posted the picture to Instagram, with the caption “Baby Hood currently in the making.” The picture immediately blew up. There were thousands of likes, and thousands of comments. After all, it was the first picture Calum had posted in a long time. All of the comments expressed the happiness and excitement for you and Calum. As much as the comments made you feel good, it didn’t matter because Calum was making you feel even better. Always kissing your stomach and always making sure you felt okay. “How are you feeling today?” He asked when you came out of the bedroom after waking up.

        Your hand was over your stomach, having just thrown up for the third morning in a row. “Not well, I’m already super over this morning sickness thing.” Even though you had brushed your teeth, your mouth still tasted rotten. You licked your lips and walked into his open arms.

        “I read that you should eat fruits and carbs for breakfast. So I made you some potatoes and a bowl of mixed fruit to help ease your tummy.” Calum said pointing to the small breakfast he had prepared for you.

        Your heart melted, how was he doing more reading on pregnancy than you were? “You really made me breakfast?” You asked him, the rise in hormones getting ready to make the tears burst from your eyes. He nodded and smiled, looking at you. You started crying, and you laughed, “These stupid hormones, I don’t know why I’m crying.”

        Calum laughed and placed his finger under your chin to tilt you head up. He kissed the tears on your cheeks before kissing your lips. “It’s okay, you’re still absolutely beautiful.”

        The tears poured more and you laughed again, “Stop it!” You playfully pushed against his chest as he laughed and kissed you harder.

**

        The first month finally passed, and the morning sickness was starting to slow. Especially with all of Calum’s helpful hints and tricks to get it to subside. You had just finished at the doctor and was looking at the picture of the ultra sound, a small laugh escaping from your chest. “What’s so funny?” Calum asked you as he started the car.

        You shook your head and looked up at him. His eyes twinkled in the sunlight just before he slid his sunglasses onto his nose. You could barely take your eyes off him, they always talk about women having a pregnancy glow, but no one ever mentioned the glow men get when they find out they’re going to be a dad. “Nothing.” You say after swallowing, “It’s just so hard to believe. I mean, look at this.” You pointed to the ultrasound in your hand. The picture showing something that was starting to resemble a baby. You stared at the ultrasound and smiled, “That’s our baby, our baby that’s growing inside of me.” You shook your head again. Calum laughed and drove off.

        Once you got home, you hoped in the shower, feeling a bit grimy from the doctor’s office. When you got out of the shower, you looked at your phone and smiled when you saw Calum had uploaded a picture of your ultra sound to Instagram. The caption reading “Boy or girl?” You chewed on your bottom lip as you scrolled through the comments. After a few minutes, you added your own comment, “I vote boy” with a blue heart next to it.

**

        Calum continued the trend of uploading a picture every month, showing off your bump and how it was growing. The fans always impatiently waiting for the next update. When Calum had posted a picture from the gender reveal party, egg yolk all over his head, dyed blue egg shells in his hand, the fans lost their minds. Lost their minds in the best way, that is. Suddenly, Calum kept getting baby gifts at their shows, and their interviews. Even though you and Calum were absolutely ecstatic about the baby, it was funny to see how excited the rest of the world was.

        On the eighth month of your pregnancy, Calum decided to put his photography skills to use. You dressed yourself in a cute sundress that highlighted your large belly and you traveled to the backyard where Calum shot an impromptu photoshoot with you. Including himself in some funnier pictures, like the one where he pretended to have a baby bump and you laughed at him. The last picture being a sweet one where he held onto your belly and pressed a loving kiss to your lips. You scrolled through the pictures he posted, a huge smile sitting on your lips. Calum looked over at you and laughed, “What are you smiling at?”

        “Those pictures you took are amazing.” You said lifting your eyes from your phone. “It’s like you somehow captured everything we’ve been excited for in ten pictures.” Calum blushed and you set your phone down and opened your arms asking him to come closer to you. He crawled on the couch and placed himself so he could hover over you and rub circles with his hand over your belly. Your fingers trailed down his neck as his eyes stared into yours. His eyes full of love, and lust, and every emotion in between. “I love you so much.” You said as your gaze flickered to his lips and then back to his eyes. Without another word, he connected his lips to yours, a needy and loving kiss.

**

        Finally, you welcomed your precious baby boy into the world. You kept him to yourself for a while before announcing his arrival to the world. It wasn’t until after your families and the boys had met him, that you finally decided to show him off. Calum set the camera up in the backyard again and did another photoshoot. He took pictures of you holding him, and then your switched so you could take pictures of him holding him. After Calum was satisfied with all of the pictures, you walked back inside and placed your son in his bouncer, sitting on the couch and leaning your elbows on your knees so you could stare at him.

        Calum came in with his camera and sat next to you. “I posted the pictures so everyone would stop bugging me for an update.” He said with a laugh.

        You smiled and pulled your phone out of your pocket. You swiped through the pictures he posted and tears started to form. All of the comments full of happiness and welcomes. Everyone was more than excited to finally see Baby Hood as everyone called him. You blinked away the tears and continued to read the comments. “I know that everyone loves him, but I don’t think anyone can love him more than you and I do.”

        Calum smiled and scooted closer to you on the couch so he wrap his arms around you. You placed your phone on the cushion next to you and wrapped your arms around him in return. He placed his chin on the top of your head and said, “I know. I love him more than anything in this world.” He placed a kiss on the top of your head, “Next to the woman who gave him to me.”

        You looked up at him and blushed, “I love you, Calum.” He smiled and pressed his lips to yours, silently telling you he loved you back.

************

Tag list: @mantlereid @notinthesameguey @viiirg0 @wheniminouterspace @thinkofmehlgh @another-lonely-heart @limer-encia

[indiavolowetrust]

THE OBEY ME BOYS AS RPG BOSSES: NEO-OSAKA

LEVEL 1-7 (YOU ARE HERE)

LEVEL 8-10

FINAL BOSS

ENDINGS

You are one of many modified humans in Neo-Osaka. A relic of your brief time in the criminal underbelly. Your adopted little brother, Luke, has been kidnapped by a criminal syndicate known only as The Devil Triad for unknown reasons. Simeon, his upperclassman, is the sole witness of his kidnapping. Armed with your trusty katana, the healing microbots in your blood, and  the information Simeon has given you, you venture back into the underworld of Neo-Osaka to save your brother.

Word Count: 4,511

TW: Blood, Violence, Gore, Mention of Drug Use

LEVEL ONE -- BELPHEGOR, THE SLEEPING BULL

In the underbelly of Neo-Osaka, it is only natural that one would want to lose themselves for a little while. You pass by a number of pharmacies that act as black markets, street vendors that hawk anti-intoxicants, and children that run between the crowds. An exchange of secrets and yen, and a pair of shoji-playing women direct you to a shuttered pharmacy down the road. No one’s operated that store in years, they say, but there are always masked men that hang behind the lot. Masks in the shape of a devil.

Night falls. It doesn’t take long for you to subdue a masked man and rifle through his pockets. A hand-held radio tells you all that you need to know: the goods will be exchanged near the butcher’s shop, the password is sleeping bull, and that one is supposed to be there, so don’t fuck this up. The goods are headed towards the base of operations of The Devil Triad.

The underlings are easy enough to deal with. You take them out one by one in their own territory, leaving them alive for only sa long as necessary, and steal one of their masks and uniforms along the way. While it appears that none of the underlings have any information as to exactly where the goods are going – much less where your little brother is – you have more faith in what the lower boss should know. He goes by the Sleeping Bull, you gather.

For one named Sleeping Bull, however, he’s much faster than you had expected.

You can’t tell whether the shadows beneath his eyes are painted or tattooed there. If they’re real, then the Sleeping Bull's got one hell of a sleep schedule. He watches you through half-lidded eyes as he yawns, adjusts the oversized cleaver in his hands, and taps his foot in impatience. Even in the dark you can tell that the Sleeping Bull is planning the best way to butcher you, judging by the way he eyes the wound on your abdomen. Apparently the ruckus you’ve caused during your infiltration has interrupted his nap.

Your offense is a grave one, it seems.

“Do you think you could die a little faster?” he says through yet another yawn. “I’m kinda tired.”

LEVEL TWO -- BEELZEBUB, COOK OF THE HUNGRY BEETLE

The combination of cured meat and seasoning in the ramen is absolutely incredible, as is the addition of a perfectly poached egg. And it’s a chicken egg, of all things! A fresh chicken egg with a runny yolk, set whites, and a hint of soy sauce. You can’t remember the last time you were able to afford such a luxury, much less find it. The pork cutlet is perfectly fried as well. Each crispy bite balances out the nature of the curry it’s been served with. The rice is fluffy, delicate, and nowhere near overcooked. You find yourself nearly moaning with delight with each bite you take.

The cook – you haven’t quite caught his name – only smiles at you over the counter, encouraging you to have more. You did save his beetle-hound, after all. It’s the least he can do.

It’s not like he has any other customers at this time of day, anyway, so you’re free to take your time. While you do find yourself staring at him from time to time, finding his dyed orange hair and face oddly familiar, the thoughts are quickly dismissed by the fresh plate of gyoza that he places in front of you. The cook joins you a few minutes after, takes heaping plates of food for himself, and you ignore the nagging sense of paranoia.

It is only when you are hit with a sudden, overwhelming wave of nausea that you realize something is wrong.

You are barely able to stop yourself from collapsing onto the floor. A white-knuckled hand grips the table as your vision swirls, your stomach turning in on itself. An empty glass shatters onto the wooden floor of the restaurant. The cook only smiles pleasantly at you as you glare at him, demanding to know what he’s done to you. Why has he poisoned you? What would he even gain from doing that?

The cook only laughs. Don’t be silly – of course he hasn’t poisoned you! Only  someone unimaginative and boring would do that, and he is neither of those things. The only reason why you’re still alive right now is because you went out of your way to save his beetle-dog. The cook hopes that your last meal was an enjoyable one. You only stare at him in disbelief as he explains that he only wanted to test a new ingredient, nothing more. You just so happened to be the lucky test subject. The first of many to try his new dishes.

The cook – Beelzebub, he introduces himself – asks if you enjoyed eating so many beetle eggs. A gift from The Devil Triad for his service. They’re genetically modified to a rather impressive degree, and they should be hatching right now in your stomach. The larvae are quite famous for their taste for human flesh.

Pain strikes your abdomen, forcing you to double over, and you use the sheath of your katana to keep your body upright. Beelzebub regards it with interest for a moment. Eyes it with curiosity. And then he is pulling a rounded metal container  from his pocket, flourishing it before you.

“Let’s play a game,” he offers. “If I kill you, the larvae get to have you as their first meal of the day. If you kill me, you get to have these pills. They’re guaranteed to kill the larvae in no time – if you win, that is.”

You watch in horror as Beelzebub places the container into his mouth, swallows, and shoots you that same pleasant smile. You can already feel the sensation of something crackling and wriggling inside your belly.

LEVEL THREE -- ASMODEUS, KEEPER OF THE PINK SCORPION

You’re sure that the perfume acts as both an aphrodisiac and depressant. It would certainly make sense why all of the employees here have donned some sort of face mask. Masked women and men gyrate against golden poles, scorpion-faced bartenders invite patrons to try a various assortment of poisons, and many more employees work to keep the diffusers filled with perfume. A melange of insensate and intoxicated patrons are scattered throughout the space. Your limbs only grow heavier and heavier as you wander through The Pink Scorpion. The clamor of the crowd becomes distorted. The dim lighting, endless walls, and pink motifs of its animal mascot begin to blend with one another in your vision, and you are nearly rendered unconscious by the perfume.

Thankfully, you have just enough anti-intoxicant patches in your pocket to keep yourself from becoming too inebriated. A slip into the bathroom allows you to replace the patch on your tongue, and your head clears.

And so it is with a mostly unclouded mind that you are approached by a slender,  pretty man. He’s one of their best workers, he claims, and it would only be fair for The Pink Scorpion to offer service of the highest quality to its new patrons. You are a new face, after all. Despite your obvious discomfort at the proposition, you had found yourself agreeing. It wouldn’t do any good to act out of line – especially not in a place like this. You’re too noticeable. The Devil Triad has its fingers in every operation here, you’re not sure if you can take on every employee and come out unscathed, and the man before you looks like very pleasant company. Besides, it’s possible that he knows information about The Devil Triad.

He leads you by the hand through pink-tinged halls, up wavering flights of steps, and into a private room. A clap of his hands, and you two are served steaming cups of tea. A single sip nearly burns off the anti-intoxicant patch on your tongue.

Time passes in a strange haze. The man twirls a strand of his blonde hair as he offers you yet another cup of tea, adjusts his bastardization of a kimono to be even more revealing, and shoots you a flirty wink. You dump the drugged tea into a nearby plant when he turns away.

The conversation is light and pleasant. You aren’t exactly lying when you remark that The Pink Scorpion is one of the most highbrow, exquisite establishments you’ve ever seen, despite being a brothel, and the man claps his hands in delight. The Pink Scorpion is his pride and joy, you see. Truly it is the jewel of Neo-Osaka’s underworld. He would hate for a patron to leave with an empty heart or otherwise unsatisfied ...

Just as much as he would hate for an intruder to interrupt their operations.

You roll back from the kotatsu just in time. The wood splinters as the blade of the kusarigama obliterates the table, sending shards flying, and you gasp in pain when a particularly sharp piece of wood strikes you in the shoulder. The anti-intoxicant patch on your tongue can only do so much it seems, judging by the weightiness of your limbs. You wrench the shard out of your shoulder and regard the man through a pink-tinged haze, the edges of your vision starting to blur once more.

The man introduces himself as Asmodeus. Asmodeus, Keeper of The Pink Scorpion. A quick undoing of his sash reveals a number of poison vials beneath his kimono, each one a violent, neon shade of pink. The shoji doors slam shut, and you find yourself coughing as the diffuser in the room begins spewing even more perfume into the space. Asmodeus, as it would seem, is completely immune to its effects.

“You’re pretty cute, you know,” Asmodeus says, shaking his head in disappointment. He readies his kusarigama. “It’s a shame I have to kill you.”

LEVEL FOUR -- SATAN, THE ARCHIVIST

Bookshelves line the walls, books line the shelves, and texts take up nearly every single increment of space possible in the massive library. Not that you’re sure if it can even be considered a library, considering the condition of the place. Most of the books seem to be piled up on one another in a nonsensical fashion, creating mountains against the shelves, and an array of ladders is strewn throughout the place. While you’re not sure where they lead, why they’ve been placed there, or if they’re even functional at all, you do know that someone must be using them. There isn’t enough dust in the library to suggest that it’s been abandoned. Not yet, anyway.

It’s difficult to believe that a place like this exists in the underbelly of Neo-Osaka. It’s even more difficult to believe that the fourth strongest of The Devil Triad spends his time here.

A number of librarians, archivists, and other employees are nestled in corners of the library, hunched over various spreads of literature and manuals. Given that you don’t possess the brand of The Devil Triad, however, convincing one of them to talk to you is nearly impossible. While the library is considered neutral territory, it appears that the triads still have considerable influence over the area and its inhabitants. You spend most of your time being glared at, turned away, and generally ignored – which you should have expected, really.

Thankfully, you manage to catch the attention of a blonde, bookish man. He smiles at you over his rather messy desk, pushes his silver-rimmed spectacles up his nose, and shoves all of his paperwork aside upon hearing the reason of your request. He’d be delighted to help someone in need, he tells you, disregarding the work strewn on the desk before. It isn’t every day that someone travels to the underworld of Neo-Osaka for such a valiant reason.

You follow the man down winding corridors, listening to him prattle at length on one topic or another. He’s more of a librarian than an archivist, he says. He likes his tea with three sugars. Dismemberment and decapitation are some of his most enjoyable methods of murder. The cafe down the street has amazing spinach pies that it serves on the weekends, although he could do without all the extra cream. Staying inside all day doesn’t lend itself to good health, after all.

The bookish man leads you to a massive archive beneath the library and begins searching through the folders. While most of the records are completely useless – in his opinion, that is – there are still a few that he considers worth keeping. The record on the wiles and weaknesses of modified organisms, for example. It is only when you mention off-hand your hatred for The Devil Triad that the bookish man pauses over a pile of folders. He removes his glasses carefully, tucks them somewhere beneath the papers, and smiles at you.

The pain is there before you can even register the impact.

Your body crashes through a number of rickety shelves in the archives, its path only stopped by a concrete pillar. The microbots in your blood work to repair your cracked ribs as soon as possible, mending the injuries as you force yourself to stand, and you blink away the dust to see the bookish man walking towards you.

His expression speaks only of wrath.

“I’ve been waiting for you,” he growls, his face already half-formed into that of a devil. The green blaze and exposed pitch-black teeth click together as he speaks, the flesh burning away, and you watch with horror as he tears off more of his pseudo-skin. The inorganic strands of his hands flex and rearrange themselves into claws. “I’m impressed you managed to take out the others, but I promise you won’t achieve the same result here. They call me Satan the Archivist -- but I  prefer being called Satan the Librarian. I’m more of a librarian than an archivist, really.”

He’s a cybernetic organism, you realize. There’s no way a human would have been able to survive so many body modifications.

“NOW LISTEN AND LISTEN WELL, HUMAN!” he roars, his voice distorting with the metamorphosis. YOUR INSOLENCE IN THE FACE OF THE DEVIL TRIAD ENDS HERE! YOUR NEXT AND LAST OPPONENT IS ME!”

LEVEL FIVE – LEVIATHAN, THE DOCKMASTER

Your lungs burn. Seawater fills your nostrils and throat as you are helplessly dragged into the black sea, your screams disappearing underneath the surface of the water. You struggle desperately, giving the leviathan-like monster a few choice kicks with the heel of your boot, but it’s no use. Its teeth have latched too deep into the flesh of your thigh. While your microbots can work fast enough to repair the wound, they’ll be of no use to you if you drown. Your eyes sting as you gaze upon the moon through the dark water, its image distancing itself further and further away. This may very well be the last time you see it.

And then it is gone. A lurch nearly knocks you unconscious.

Admittedly, you had been a little too confident. The dockmaster had been alone, strangely, and you had foolishly thought that it would be the perfect opportunity to corner one of The Devil Triad’s members. The devil-shaped brand on his neck had given him away. The only witness of his planned interrogation and murder would be the moon above, you had concluded. It would be too easy for you to take him out. A short distance closer, and you would have been able to subdue him. A moment earlier, and you would have been able drag him away from the docks, force him into one of the storage containers, and torture him until he told you everything you needed to know.

But how the hell were you supposed to expect a massive, monstrous sea serpent to bite into your leg? How the hell were you supposed to expect your night to end with you being dragged screaming into the sea?

A wave of nausea strikes you. Your body crashes through the surface of the water and is deposited roughly onto something solid. A smooth, solid stone. The salt still burns your eyes and nose. You collapse against the stone as you hack up seawater, your lungs grateful for the air. It takes a moment for you to realize that you have miraculously held onto the sheath of your katana.

It takes another moment to notice that you have been thrown into a sea cave.

The surface of the water breaks once more. The dockmaster emerges from the black water and steps onto the smooth stone before you. A flick of his hand, and a portion of seawater rises to attend to him. You watch as the sea forms itself into several pole arms, each one sharper than the last. The dockmaster peruses his options for a moment – and then he takes one of them into his hands, brandishes it, and regards you with irritation.

“Surprised?” he asks. “You’re not the only one who has microbots.”

Moonlight spills into the cave from above. The dockmaster steps into its embrace, still holding his weapon before him, and allows the light to catch onto his form.

Thousands of microbots have been embedded into the dockmaster’s skin, much like scales. The result of what must have been an extremely painful and risky operation. His eyes are double-lidded, allowing him to easily blink away the seawater. His hands – no, all four of his limbs have been modified beyond belief. You’re not sure if they’re even really his. You can’t imagine what could have made him stupid enough to force his body through so many procedures.

Then again, you think to yourself, it’s possible that he did it out of desperation. Only the strong survive in the underbelly of Neo-Osaka.

It is rare for one to be born with psychokinesis. It is even rarer for one to be born with psychokinesis that is strong enough to use in combat. While many undergo horrific, painful procedures in an attempt to enhance their abilities or even give one psychokinesis, the operations typically lead to the death of the subject. The ones that are lucky to survive are often crippled for life or rendered a vegetable.

This man must have had a hell of a reason to undergo such a risky operation.

“I’m not really sure why you’ve been killing us, but that isn’t really my business. An enemy of The Devil Triad is an enemy of mine.” The dockmaster levels his weapon at you. “I’ll feed whatever’s left of your body to Lotan once I’m done with you.”

LEVEL SIX – MAMMON, HEAD OF THE TREASURY

Despite the carnage – and there is plenty of that, considering the goons you’ve slaughtered on your way in – you can’t help but admire your surroundings. The walls are plastered with gold brocade, each golden strand woven skillfully into the  material, and the endless corridors are furnished with priceless works of art. You almost feel guilty for tarnishing them with blood. Windows composed of stained glass stretch to lofty ceilings. Carved statues of crows greet you at every turn, their marble beaks and wings poised in warning. You pass by countless mahogany doors, each emblazoned with the insignia of The Devil Triad, and kick down just as many to interrogate the inhabitants within.

Much to your disappointment, however, it seems that even the threat of death isn’t enough to make them speak.

You pause in front of a particularly massive portrait . The frame of the portrait seems to have been cast from pure gold and embedded with precious stones, which is shocking enough – but it is the painted image that truly captures your attention. The man depicted within is surrounded with pelts of exotic animals. His fingers bear multiple rings on each digit, his ears bear piercings in the shape of crows and ravens, and the material of his suit suggests that it has been made from augment-weave. The man’s hair is so bleached that it appears white. His smile portrays a damning cockiness.

It is the very image of decadence and greed.

You travel into the highest reaches of the treasury. The guards are no match for you, of course. You behead one of them before they can even speak. One well-placed kick to the most exorbitant, elaborate door you’ve ever seen, and you stroll into a massive office.

A man – the very same man you had seen in the painting, you recognize – sits at the desk, swirling brandy in a glass. Mammon, the head of The Devil Triad’s treasury. He regards you with interest as you pass the threshold. Despite your bloody, battered state, you level your katana at him and demand to know the location of The Devil Triad’s main operations. They’ve taken the little brother you’ve cared for all your life, and you intend to get him back.

The treasurer sighs. “Hasty, aren’t ya?” he remarks, taking a sip out of his glass. “Least you can do is let me finish. Vintage stuff like this is pretty hard to come by in Neo-Osaka, ya know.”

Your katana knocks the glass from his hands. It shatters against the polished floor. He shouldn’t fuck with you, you recommend. You’ve fought too hard and suffered too much to be played with now. If he would be so kind as to tell you what you want to know, then you might let him --

A shot rings out. Your forearm burns as the bullet tears through it, searing through a bit of your clothing, and you are just barely able to dodge the second shot. You look up to see a very, very pissed off treasurer before you, one of his fancy shoes propped up onto the desk. His augment-weave suit rumples with the movement.

Except he isn’t looking at you. The treasurer, you realize, is staring at a stain from the brandy on his augment-weave suit. A stain that is entirely your fault. When he whirls around to look at you again, his expression only speaks of ire and hatred. Apparently the slaughtering of his underlings means nothing compared to his tailored suit.

“Thought you could pull a fast one on me, didn’t ya?” he barks. His multiple sets of rings click together as he reaches under the table. “Well, ya got another thing coming!”

Every crow statue in the massive office orients itself towards you, their beaks opening to reveal firearms within. Countless lights make themselves known  against your body. The treasurer scowls as he grabs a golden plasma rifle from beneath his desk, powers it up, and hefts it over his shoulder. Aims it right at your head. The glare he shoots you nearly burns through his orange sunglasses.

“Come on, then!” the treasurer snarls. “I’ll show ya the power money can buy!”

LEVEL SEVEN – LUCIFER, THE RIGHT-HAND MAN

Something is wrong here. You’re all too aware of the emptiness of the compound. The corridors are unlit. No shadows linger behind the shoji doors and walls. There is only an eerie silence. You pass by gardens of stone and running water, arched bridges, and well-tended flowerbeds. You pass by dark alcoves, monochromatic passageways, and fragrant incense. Your eyes flicker to and fro as you explore the compound, expecting some enemy to come rushing at you from the darkness, but your efforts are wasted. You are alone.

For a while, that is.

A man in traditional garb kneels in the middle of a massive, otherwise empty washitsu. A sword sits at his side. Moonlight spills into the space as you open the door and pass the threshold. The man doesn’t flinch when you address him, nor does he bother to respond when you press him for information. The sound of your unsheathing katana doesn’t seem to faze him either, which infuriates you, and then you are pressing the tip of your weapon to the nape of his neck. You demand to know where your brother is.

The movement is too quick for your eyes to catch. You curse as you stagger backwards, clutching your abdomen in pain. The image of him before you blurs, despite the sufficient amount of light in the room, and your body sways unsteadily.

And then you realize exactly what the man has done to you.

Despite the brevity of the man’s attack, his blade has somehow made its way through a majority of your torso, disemboweling you. You watch in horror as your clothing blooms with the excessive blood. As your organs threaten to leave the cavity of your abdomen. As hands fail to keep most of your intestines in the right place. The man only looks at you with disdain as you fall to your knees, gasping in pain. The sensation burns like a fire through your veins, white-hot and excruciating, and for a few moments you see nothing but patches of shadow. For a few moments you waver in and out of consciousness.

But you won’t die. Not here, and certainly not now.

You slam your blade into the ground and force yourself back onto your feet. The microbots in your blood work to knit your flesh back together, reattaching your organs and skin back into the right places. With one trembling arm, you level your katana at him once more. A challenge.

“So it’s true,” the man muses, flicking his blade. Your blood splatters against the tatami. “I didn’t quite believe the rumors. Congratulations on surviving my first attack.”

You tell him quite thoroughly just how much of a fucking bastard he is.

Much to your surprise, however, the man bows towards you. He introduces himself as Lucifer, the right-hand man of The Devil Triad’s boss, and politely informs you that he has been sent to eliminate you. You bested the others because they were weak and relied on modifications, he explains with a disdainful tone. You bested the others because they were overconfident in their altered physiology. The others saw your modification as common and therefore useless, unlike theirs, and so you had used that to your advantage. It was only the factor of their underestimation that led to their defeat.

He, on the other hand, needs no such things. Altered physiology is nothing to the training and discipline that only a pure human can master.

Lucifer readies his blade. “I look forward to witnessing your skill.”

[vangoghmusings]

Hi I was wondering if you can do midoriya and bakugou with a puerto rican s/o like meeting their big ass family (like mine) and tasting the food. If you only do one thats fine. Im also puerto rican and I hate that most people only do mexican s/o. Thank you!!!

you have no idea how happy i am to have gotten this request !!! we need more love for puerto ricans and latinx in the fandom! this is outrageously long because i got really into it haha but i hope you like it <3

katsuki bakugou 

when you tell katsuki he's invited to your birthday dinner he’s actually quite nervous 

he’s well aware he’ll have to meet your family 

and he’s very aware that he’s not the most friendly person 

but he tries to push his nerves down because he is genuinely interested to meet your family 

he’s heard you talking on the phone in spanish countless of times 

honestly, he can’t decide if it's cool or hot but honestly both 

before your party you warn him of how loud and eccentric your family is, not to mention big 

he’s sure he can handle it 

but oh boy he had no idea what he was in for 

the moment he enters your home he’s bombarded by loud music and the sound of laughter and little kids screaming 

you’re barely in the door when you’re trampled by hugs and kisses of your family 

he has absolutely no idea what they’re saying to you and it's all so fast?? 

you introduce katsuki and they all greet him by wrapping him up in a tight hug and kissing his cheeks 

and he nearly EXPLODES

but he doesn't, cause its your birthday and he doesn’t want to ruin it 

he swears your family’s quirk could be voice with how loud they are 

while you catch up with your family, your little cousins seem very interested in dear bakugou 

they ask him nonstop questions, some of which are in spanish and he's so frustrated and clueless 

“tu eres mi tio ahora?” 

“hUh??” 

they just crawl all over him and tug his hair and clothes while chittering in spanish 

your mom eventually shoos the kids off of katsuki, but then asks him to dance

and he is mortified 

your mom grabs his hands and pulls him off the couch 

with the help of your tias and tios they also encourage him to dance

the music is so different from what he’s used to 

he gives you a helpless look that you can't help but laugh at 

he thinks you’re coming to his rescue 

but oh no 

this is your family and your birthday 

you're going to dance and drag katsuki along if you had to 

you take his hands and show him the simple two steps of merengue 

he’s not the best dancer, but he really does try 

once he gets the hang of it, you start to move faster 

he’s so in awe at how good you are?? 

he just becomes totally aware of how special you are and how special it is that you brought him to meet you family 

izuku midoriya 

you'd been missing home a lot recently 

especially the food 

so you text your mom for all of your favorite classic boricua recipes 

izuku sees your excitement and takes notice 

“what’s got you so happy?” 

“my mom sent me the recipes of my favorite foods because i’ve been missing home lately...oh my god izuku you have to try everything once i make it!” 

“o-ok!” 

sweet izuku has no idea about puerto rican food 

his biggest fear is that it’ll be incredibly spicey and his tongue will fall off 

the day he comes home and sees your dinner table full of food that he doesn’t recognize he realizes that it is time to face his fear 

you give him a plate filled to the brim with mofongo, rice, beans, tostones, pernil, and alcapurrias 

he is stunned 

there is so much food 

you poor him a glass of coquito 

you explain everything you’ve made as he eyes it nervously 

its not that he’s a picky eater, he just doesn’t want to offend you 

you watch him eagerly as he takes his first bites 

the rice and beans don’t frighten him, and he quite likes them 

he’s so surprised by the mofongo, its such a new flavor 

but his favorite had to be the pernil 

the savory pork made his tastebuds so happy 

you can’t help but laugh at all of his reactions 

“y-n this is amazing! how did the meat get so soft? and you say these are like savory bananas? and this is what you used to eat back home?” 

when he sips the coquito he’s blown away 

the thick and creamy coconut drink is nothing like he’s ever had before 

“what’s in this y-n!?” 

“condensed milk, egg yolks, coconut milk, vanilla, cinnamon, rum-” 

“RUM?? like, ALCOHOL???” 

he’s very shook about the drinking culture and how chill it is for you to drink at meals with your family 

but when you pull out the flan, it is all over 

he is in HEAVEN

you did it to perfection and he feels so blessed that you not only shared your wonderful cooking with him

but that you shared something to personal to you that is tied so closely to home and your family 

you two are so full from eating that you pass out on the couch together 

[solomonara]

“Don’t Call It Spa Night” Cake

So I’ve been reading The New Prometheus, a Jason-Todd-keeps-coming-back-to-life series by Zoeleo. Part of what makes this fic great is the detailed writing, which extends to specific mentions of different meals the characters eat over the course of the fic. And when Jason Todd shows up to spa night (sorry, ‘Self-Care Saturday’) with Earl Grey-infused cupcakes...

“Uh, the batter is an Earl Grey infusion and there’s lemon zest in the icing. They were an experiment. An homage to Alfred, kind of.”

Experimenting with baked goods? I may not be able to fanart, but I can definitely show my appreciation for a fic with experimental baked goods. Here’s what I came up with. It’s under a cut because it’s a long recipe - but not hard, I promise!

(My sincere apologies if you’re on mobile, which will both fuck with the formatting and eliminate the Keep Reading cut...)

Oh, did you notice that’s not a cupcake? I hate making cupcakes. Who the hell has time to carefully pour batter into 24 cups, decorate 24 individual tiny cakes, and then wash a fucking cupcake pan with all its little pockets of hidden stickiness... ugh, no, you get cake and you’ll like it.

Ingredients for cake:

White cake mix (It was late and I didn’t feel like measuring dry ingredients)

1/2 c butter, very soft

1 1/4 c milk (you can get away with using water, if you need to)

2 - 6 tbs Earl Grey tea (I used loose leaf, but you can use tea bags if you need to. The amount will vary depending on how much you like tea - I’ve made my recommendations in the recipe steps)

5 egg whites (or 4 whole eggs would probably be fine)

1/4 tsp vanilla

1/4 c sugar

1/4 c water

Ingredients for icing:

3 c powdered sugar

1/3 c butter, softened

3 SCANT tbs lemon juice

1/2 tsp lemon zest

^^^ me acting like I know what I’m doing. Remember kids, it’s not science unless you write it down!

Optional: cup of brewed tea, which helps cut down on swearing while you try to figure out where your egg separator went.

Steps:

I’ve written these out in more detail than you probably need - I always try to write for beginners, so I’ve put the basic instruction by the bullet point and then included more detail in the paragraphs underneath each point (to make them easily skippable if you don’t need clarification). If you have questions feel free to ask!

Prep work:

Heat 1 1/4 c milk in a small saucepan. When it’s hot, steep 1 to 3 tablespoons of tea in the milk for 3 to 5 minutes The amount of tea you use depends how much you like Earl Grey and how stale your tea is - if it’s pretty old, you might want to use more. 1 tbs will give you a very delicate, barely-there Earl Grey flavor. 3 tbs will give you... more.

Tea making advice that will serve you well in life: Steeping black teas for longer than 3 minutes doesn’t give you stronger tea. It gives you bitter tea. If you want stronger tea, add more tea leaves or another tea bag, don’t just leave your tea in the water the whole time you’re drinking it. The timing is less important when using the tea in recipes like this one, though, since the sweetness of the cake will cut the bitterness (as will brewing the tea in milk).

Strain the leaves out of the milk and set the milk aside to cool. You want it to be room temperature before adding it to the other ingredients so it doesn’t cook your eggs. Press the leaves in the strainer to squeeze out all the nice tea-ish juices.

Pro tip: Straining your tea milk into a giant Harry Potter mug will make it taste better.

Set oven to 350 (Fahrenheit, please)

Grease and flour your cake pans. I used two 9 inch rounds, but this will do fine as a 13x9 sheet cake or as cupcakes if you hate yourself for some reason.

Dump about a tablespoon of loose tea in a small food processor, spice grinder, magic bullet, or mortar and pestle. Grind it fine. You need a teaspoon of this stuff and it’s going straight into the batter so you don’t want the grain too large unless you don’t mind chewing on tea leaves.

The Cake:

Separate your eggs and add the whites to a large mixing bowl. If, like me, you suddenly realize that you don’t own an egg separator, don’t panic. Crack the egg on the side of your mixing bowl and pull apart the two halves of the shell without tipping the egg out of them. Gently transfer the yolk from one shell half to the other, letting the egg whites run out into your mixing bowl. If you get a little yolk in with your whites, don’t worry. You’re not making a meringue, so this is not a disaster. When you’re finished juggling the yolk and have most of the white extracted, dump the yolk in a separate bowl. When you’ve done all 5 eggs stick the yolks in the fridge. Intend to make custard with them later. Wake up tomorrow morning to discover you forgot to put a little water in the bowl and the yolks are now WEIRD looking and congeal-y. Throw the yolks away.

Add the butter to the egg whites and beat together.

Add the tea milk and 1/4 tsp vanilla and stir

Add your superfine ground tea and the cake mix and beat on medium speed for two minutes. Depending on the size of your mixing bowl you may want to add the dry mix gradually.

When it’s well combined, it’ll be pretty drippy:

Yum!

Pour it into your pans and bake ~25 minutes or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. My pans are very dark, so my cakes tend to cook faster - you may need more time, or, if you went the cupcake route, considerably less time.

Cool the cakes for about 10 minutes before turning them out onto wire racks to cool the rest of the way.

General cake-baking tip: If you have room, sticking your cakes into the fridge or freezer for a few minutes right when they come out of the oven will keep them moist.

Syrup and Icing:

Next you’re going to make a syrup to brush on your cakes when they’re cool. I straight-up stole this idea from Liv for Cake, but we’ll need way less of it since this is a smaller cake. You’ll notice I linked you to her recipe for Earl Grey cake, which is slightly different from this one, but hey, if you hate mine now you have another option to try :)

Btw, the syrup step doesn’t really apply to cupcakes, if that’s the route you chose to go. I mean, unless you WANT to paint 24 individual little pains-in-the-ass with sticky syrup, in which case, be my guest.

So, for the syrup:

Bring 1/4 c sugar, 1/4 c water, and 1 1/2 tsp Earl Grey to a boil in a small saucepan I actually used a full tablespoon of Earl Grey here because I forgot what I was doing. Tasted fine! If you like tea.

It’s actually kind of pretty in person, I’m just bad at photos.

When the sugar is dissolved and the mixture is boiling, turn off the heat and strain the syrup to get all the crunchy tea bits out. Let it cool completely.

While your syrup and cakes are cooling, it’s a good time to make your icing! My old standby for lemon buttercream is actually just a Betty Crocker recipe that you can find right here.

In this case, though, I wanted it to be a little more delicate so as not to overwhelm the flavors in the cake. That’s accomplished easily enough - just use a little less lemon juice and make up whatever extra moisture you need in the icing with milk until it’s a nice spreadable consistency.

Also, you might want to add a touch of yellow food coloring to the icing for the look of the thing, especially if you have nothing else to decorate the cake with, because this icing basically just turns out plain white.

Assemble your cake!

When the cakes and syrup are completely cool, it’s assembly time.

Take the thicker cake round and place it on whatever surface you’re storing your cake on. Lop off the hump (unless you’ve managed to make a perfectly flat cake, in which case, what are you reading this blog for? You’re clearly a wizard and should be out profiting from that with your own wizard bakery.)

Brush that layer with your syrup. When it’s soaked in a little, cover your sins with a very thin layer of icing. This is going to be frustrating because, since you lopped off a chunk of this layer to make it level, all these crumbs are gonna wanna roll up and mess up your icing. Let ‘em. That’s why they call this a crumb layer. Get a thin, thin coating on there and then stick this layer in the fridge for a few minutes - since we’re working with buttercream here, it’ll set up nicely and make the next layer of icing go on more easily.

Add a second, thicker layer of icing, then pop the next cake layer on top. Do the same with the syrup, marvel at how much easier it is since you didn’t have to expose this layer’s innards, and then go to town with the rest of the icing.

Voila! An extremely boring-looking cake. Alas, all I had in the cupboard in the way of decoration were Christmas sprinkles, so we’re gonna say it’s minimalist and call it a day (also it was like, midnight by this point, and I was Done.)

Pair with slow-burn fic with lots of feels.

Congrats on making it to the end of this long-winded recipe. If you have any questions, feel free to hit my ask box!

[lady-divine-writes]

Kurtbastian - “Quite the Stir” (Rated PG)

A Friday night family dinner goes humorously awry when a series of unfortunate circumstances turns the Hummel-Smythe family meal from gourmet to gruesome. (1930 words)

Notes: I wrote a similar piece for Klaine, and even though the bare bones premise of the story is the same, there is a very different dynamic at play, and a very different reason for Kurt's angst. Written for @hummelholidays prompt “family”.

Part 33 of the Daddies verse

Read on AO3

“How does this look, Kurt?” Sebastian asks, standing puffed up and proud in front of the concoction he’s been helping his husband create.

Kurt peeks over Sebastian’s shoulder and into the pot on the stove, assessing his progress. He checks it against his iPhone screen, and the gif playing of the meal that they’re making. The two look identical. Kurt gives him a pat on the shoulder, then one to their adorable son beaming beside his father, mimicking his pose of pride.

“Looks good, everybody! It looks, dare I say, scrumptious?”

“Yes! We’ve reached ‘s’ word status! High-five!” Sebastian wipes a hand on the apron wrapped around his waist, then raises it so his son can give him a high-five - which Thomas does, hopping down from his stool so he can leap into the air and smack his dad’s hand with all his tiny might.

“Ouch!” Sebastian teases, shaking out his hand. “Careful there, kiddo! I’m gonna need that hand later.” Sebastian glances over at his husband and gives him a wink. Kurt rolls his eyes.

“Only if you’re good,” Kurt replies with sarcastic sweetness. Thomas snickers, completely out of the loop but instinctively knowing his Daddy said something that got him into trouble.

“Okay, Papa!” he pipes in, eager to join the part of the conversation he does understand. “What do we do next?”

“Next” - Kurt scrolls down the page and continues reading the recipe - “fold in three egg whites and one egg yolk separately, careful to incorporate each one fully before adding the next.”

“Got it.” Sebastian holds out a hand to Thomas, gesturing for the eggs. Thomas hands them over one at a time, slapping each one perilously into his father’s hand.

“I’m glad we got the ‘s’ word,” Thomas says, causing his fathers to choke on their laughter, “but is it supposed to smell like puke?” Thomas peeks dubiously into the pot, a frown curving his small lips.

“Considering the amount of parmesan cheese we put in this sauce, I’d say that yes is a safe bet.” Sebastian deftly rescues the last two eggs before they crack in his hand. “But look on the bright side - it probably doesn’t taste like puke.”

Thomas looks at his fathers, then back into the pot, taking another skeptical sniff. “Are you sure we can’t just go to Chuck E. Cheese for dinner tonight?”

“We can go to the Rat Pizza Palace when it’s not family dinner night,” Kurt declares. “Friday night dinners are a tradition. Tonight is our one night for togetherness, reconnecting with each another, and a family cooked meal.”

“But we eat dinner together every night!” Thomas giggles.

“Yeah, well, who knows what might happen a few years from now,” Kurt mutters, feigning fiddling with his phone so that he doesn’t have to see the concerned faces of his husband and son.

So he doesn’t’ have to explain why he’s been in such a mood lately.

He could blame it on the holidays. A lot of people get blue in December. But that’s not it – not entirely.

In their family, Kurt is considered the strict parent. The disciplinarian. In reality, he’s not. He has maybe five hard and fast rules, but everything else is pretty much negotiable – especially considering the fact that if someone in their house is going to break a rule, it’ll be Sebastian, not Thomas. But this rule – this one is too important. Being together as a family, sharing a meal, talking about their week, was the cornerstone of his and his father’s relationship after his mother died. No matter what went on in their lives, no matter how many late night rehearsals or overtime at his dad’s shop took them away from one another, they always had Friday.

It was sacred.

There was a time during high school when Kurt took Friday night dinners for granted and ducked out. Not too long after, his father had a heart attack. Kurt regretted those missing Fridays for the rest of his life. Thank God his dad recovered, because if Kurt had squandered that time and didn’t get a second chance to …

Anyway, that didn’t happen. But it could have. And it’s because of that that he made the decision when they adopted Thomas that Friday night dinners would be sacred again.

He usually doesn’t think too hard about it; it’s simply part of their schedule. Yes, they eat dinner together every night, but Friday night is “family dinner night”.

No, it didn’t strike him as redundant at all.

But it hit him out of nowhere this year, because this year Thomas turned eight – the same age Kurt was when his mother passed away. And since then, he’s spent way too much time reflecting on what his life was like after that day … what Thomas’s life might be like if he lost Sebastian or himself. He’s already lost his own mother. Thomas doesn’t mention her much anymore, doesn’t have the nightmares he used to have when he first moved in, but Kurt knows he still thinks about her.

And Kurt knows how that feels.

Family dinner night won’t really make an impact until Thomas reaches high school, possibly junior high, so maybe Kurt is taking this Friday night home-cooked dinner thing a little too far. But he doesn’t want to make the wrong decision and regret it later. The older Thomas gets, the more he foresees that happening. All he can do is find a happy medium between his heart and his head, and hope for the best.

“What’s wrong with Papa?” Thomas whispers to Sebastian after several minutes of silence.

“Oh, don’t worry about him, Tom-Tom.” Sebastian smiles sympathetically at his husband. “He’s just feeling a little low.”

“Oh.” Thomas looks at his Papa struggling with his phone, distracted by his attempt at appearing okay. “Is there any way we can help him?”

Sebastian sighs. That’s a good question. He’s been trying to help Kurt for days. He’s no closer to an answer tonight than he was a few days ago. “How about we finish making dinner and go from there? Maybe we can go out and get a cheesecake for dessert. That might cheer him up.”

“Gotcha!” Thomas gives his Daddy a thumbs up. “What’s next, Papa?”

Kurt sniffles, looking at his phone with his back purposefully turned. “While slowly raising the heat, stir vigorously to get your sauce to thicken.”

“What constitutes vigorously?” Sebastian asks.

Kurt shrugs. “I don’t know. Just stir it fast. It needs to thicken, right?”

Sebastian lifts the spoon from the pot and watches the sauce drip. “Yup. It’s about the consistency of water right now so the thicker the better, I say. Right, Tom-Tom?”

“Right!”

“Maybe we should use the hand mixer. Or something else with a motor.”

“Like my remote control car?”

“Or my car!” Sebastian suggests, imagining the chaos that would ensue if they hooked up his Porsche engine to their hand mixer and let her rip.

“Yeah!” Thomas cheers, hands raised above his head. “That would be awe--- um … Daddy?”

“Yeah, kiddo?”

“Is the sauce supposed to be doing that?”

“Wha---?” Sebastian looks at the sauce he’s been stirring non-stop and sees not a thick, creamy sauce, but a frothy foam expanding with each turn of his spoon, rising steadily to the top of the pot. Sebastian is reluctant to stop stirring but not sure he should continue. “Uh … Kurt? Can you read what comes next, please?”

Kurt looks over from the salad he’s been throwing together to the recipe on his phone. “Don’t stir too vigorously, or that may cause your sauce to thicken too quickly and rise.”

“Uh …” Sebastian and Thomas share a look. Thomas hops off his stool and takes a cautious step away, dragging his service dog, who’s been watching them silently this whole time from the foot of Thomas’s stool, with him. “I think it’s thickening too quickly! And rising!”

Kurt turns to look, startled by the foaming head rushing to the top of the pot. “Jesus!”

“What do we do!?” Sebastian asks.

“Stop stirring!”

“Won’t it burn!?”

“Turn off the heat!”

Sebastian moves the pot to a cold burner and switches off the flame. Dad, dad, son, and dog gather around the stove, watching the pot, waiting for the sauce to settle. But their dinner suddenly takes on a life of its own, burbling and bubbling, overflowing at an alarming rate.

“That didn’t help!”

“It’s getting all over!”

“Lay the spoon across the top!”

“That only works for pasta!”

“Put the pot in the sink!”

Sebastian runs the pot to the sink. The contents slurp over the sides, leaving a trail of white spots on the floor, each one doubling in size after it lands. “It’s not stopping!”

“It has to eventually! There’s only so much sauce in there!”

“It doesn’t seem like it!”

“What now!”

“Dinner’s ruined!”

“I don’t think that’ll matter if it drowns us first!”

“God, I’m hungry,” Thomas mumbles.

Kurt looks at the mess that was their dinner and sighs. They followed all the directions exactly. Up until the point his screen froze and he took a moment to make a salad, everything was going fine.

Except it had stopped going fine because Kurt had gotten lost in his thoughts, completely consumed by the past and a future that has yet to happen.

That probably will never happen.

He and Sebastian are strong, healthy men, and barring anything out of their control, they both intend on being around for their son for an awfully long time.

He had gotten bummed and, in turn, he’d made his favorite people on earth bummed. And now, dinner’s ruined.

He looks at the pot spewing its contents onto the counter. No … the food is ruined. Dinner is what they make of it, and wherever they eat it, all that matters is that they’re together.

He can’t live in the valley of what if’s forever. It’s a good thing to plan as if he’s going to live forever, but there are some days he should live as if he might die tomorrow.

And, unfortunately for parents, that sometimes means leaving a gourmet, nutritionally balanced meal behind to eat subpar, greasy pizza promoted by a giant Rat.

“Run!” he says.

“Run where?” Sebastian asks. Thomas doesn’t need to be told twice, heading for the door to grab his jacket.

“Where is Chuck E. Cheese again?” Kurt asks, internalizing a groan because, as much as he loves his son, it’s still Chuck E. Cheese – a cardboard crust, tomato sauce out of a can, and cheese whose authenticity he can’t vouch for.

His stomach objects just thinking about it.

“Yes!” Thomas cheers because kids’ taste buds are underdeveloped, and their stomachs are lined with lead.

“What about the mess!?” Sebastian asks, not actually worried about the possible destruction of their kitchen because duh! He can just hand Kurt his AmEx card and let him re-decorate.

Who knows? A little retail therapy might put him on the road to recovery.

“It looks like Hepburn has that handled!” Thomas laughs, watching his service dog lick up the drops left along the floor.

“Ugh! That can’t be good for his digestion.” Kurt reaches for a dish towel to wipe away the final few before Hepburn can get to them, but the animal is attacking them at a phenomenal rate. He’ll just have to hope the poor dog doesn’t vomit in Sebastian’s Porsche on the way to the restaurant. “Oh, nuts! Just grab him and go!”

[angeltriestoblog]

I try to cook!

This is going to come as a huge disappointment to the Tiktok community, but no I don’t do the cooking, no I don’t do the cleaning—kind of surprising for someone who eats so much! I mean, it’s not like I never tried. I did learn how to make nilagang manok and instant noodles over my five month long summer vacation before the start of college (and threw in the towel shortly afterward), and also expressed interest in being the cook whenever my friends and I go out for samgyup. But yeah, that’s about as far as I would go. Until today!

After almost two months indoors, I’ve been craving certain food that are either unavailable at restaurants for pick-up, or offered in branches that don’t deliver to my house. My love for them ultimately trumped my deep-seated aversion to anything that requires me to leave my seat, so I decided to take matters into my own hands. After collecting recipes, buying ingredients, and experimenting with flavors, I was able to come up with three decent dupes for some of my favorite dishes!

Kko Kko cheese fondue

This is a really simple, no-frills recipe but I still had to make some variations here and there: it’s common knowledge that [1] I don’t like bread (my friends have already interrogated me about it multiple times—I am a rice kinda woman!), and [2] there are barely any frozen finger foods in stock at the groceries. Thankfully, my mom was able to find a fitting substitute! Although it tasted mostly of breading, it went well with the dip anyway.

INGREDIENTS

Cheez Whiz, 110g

Fresh milk, 100ml

Shrimp poppers, 200g

French fries, 450g

Basil leaves

STEPS

Slowly pour the cheese in a pan, over low heat.

Add milk into the mixture and immediately turn off the stove so it doesn’t curdle. Although it’s relatively safe to eat, it doesn’t look appetizing and it can’t be reversed once done: you’ll be left with little lumps suspended in the sauce.

Stir thoroughly, until it reaches a pale yellow-orange color

Set aside and sprinkle with dried basil leaves before serving

For both shrimp poppers and French fries, just deep-fry them until golden brown. The former is a bit more difficult because they’re several spherical pieces, so it’s hard to ensure they’re all evenly cooked. (Don’t forget to wash your hands before you do any dipping!)

Pancake House corned beef hash

I remember being in Pancake House with my friends on my last day in the outside world and I deliberately chose not to order this even if it’s my go-to comfort food—for what reason, I have no idea why! I have beat myself up for it ever since. Thankfully, my version is almost as good as the real thing: I was able to base it off a recipe for croquettes! Although the breading used makes a significant difference, the generous filling surely makes up for it.

INGREDIENTS

HASH

Corned beef, two 380g cans

Eggs, four pieces

Bread crumbs, 500g

Potatoes, four pieces

Mayonnaise, two 2ml packs

Salt, to taste

Minced garlic

RICE

Butter

Cheese, as much as you want

Baby tomatoes

STEPS

Slice the potatoes into squares, then boil; season with salt to taste

Set aside in a bowl and mash into smaller squares with a fork

Saute the corned beef with minced garlic (life hack for those who don’t feel like picking up a knife—tastes just the same!): keep stirring until it has dried up. Set aside and let cool.

Mix the corned beef, potatoes, and two egg yolks in a bowl thoroughly.

Prepare two separate containers: one with two cracked and beaten eggs, and another with breadcrumbs. This is where the magic happens!

You can opt to do this next step with your hands or with the aid of a spoon, in case you happen to be growing your nails out too. Scoop a portion of the corned beef mixture and dip it in the egg mix, before rolling all sides evenly with breadcrumbs.

This recipe yields 12 pieces of hash, so repeat the previous step for as many times as necessary. You can also mold them into different sizes, but it’s advisable that you keep them small so it’s easier to fit many of them in the pan when we get to the next step.

Deep fry over medium heat for five to 10 minutes each side, depending on how well done you want it. Check on it regularly though, because it could burn easily because of the egg. Once done, set aside to cool, then drizzle a generous amount of mayonnaise on top.

To prepare the rice, melt a teaspoon of butter and grated cheese in a pan over low heat before adding a cup of rice into the mixture. Serve topped with halved baby tomatoes.

Koomi Mango Moo

I visited Koomi’s Instagram page to double-check the spelling of my order, and was met with the initially devastating news that their Robinsons Magnolia branch has been open for a week now. I easily could have asked my parents to buy me a cup when they went to the supermarket there last weekend. But now I have no regrets since I can replicate it any time I want without having to leave the comfort of my own home!

INGREDIENTS + STEPS

Mango, one half cup, sliced

Plain yogurt, 250g

Fresh milk, 100ml

Honey, three tablespoons

Literally the easiest recipe in the book: put all contents into a blender, and let it do the magic! 10 seconds was enough for me to get the frothy consistency I wanted.

VERDICT: SUCCESS!

Overall, I’m really satisfied with how I did: not only were the results pretty damn delicious (and I’m speaking from a completely objective point of view), but I also partially fulfilled my childhood dreams of being on Masterchef—minus the heart-stopping time limit and the British chef screaming curse words in my face.

Of course, I wouldn’t have been able to accomplish this without my mom, who served as both sous chef and crash course instructor: had she not stepped in at key moments of the procedure to check on my progress, there is a likely chance that I would have burned down my house. My dad was also kind enough to shower me with compliments while he was eating what I made for dinner: it definitely makes the backache I got from hunching over both the dining table and stove top for three hours very worth it!

If you guys end up trying out any of these recipes and want to share the outcome, I welcome accounts of both disastrous and successful attempts in my messages! Hope everyone is keeping safe and sane during this quarantine, especially because the lockdown period has been extended another two weeks as per our Pr*sident’s most recent statement.

Love and light always,

Angel

[singingunderthecurtain]

DIAMOND (CEO AU Baekhyun Series) Part 2

Also on AFF

Picture not mine, found everything on Google

Author: @julietsoddeye  AU: CEO!Baekhyun Genre: Angst | Smut | Romance  Pairing: Baekhyun x Lee Soojin (You/OC) Trigger Warning: Smut on future chapters. Mentions of car accident. Mentions of being blind. Baekhyun being an a-hole. Word Count: 1,984

Plot: After 10 years of exile to another country, you are finally back home and you were surprised to find out that you are engaged to the son of your father's long-time friend and business partner.

Diamond Mini Masterlist

You don’t know where he is taking you, a stranger, a completely handsome stranger. You shouldn’t trust him; he was clearly checking you out before the shitstorm happened. But your vertigo pervaded mind wholly trusts the beautiful and unfamiliar person who is now leading you inside a room similar to your hotel suite. The lights and air conditioning system roar to life with a mere swipe of a hotel card key.

Baekhyun sat you down gently on the cashmere sofa and left you there briefly. Almost immediately he comes back to your side with a tall glass of ice water. He brought the mouth of the glass to your lips and helps you tip it so you can drink its content. Without pondering, you consume the whole thing of water with a hard and painful gulp as if you haven’t drunk water in forever. You close your eyes suddenly feeling sleepy and relaxed. You open your eyes again and the worried face of your mother is now in front of you. You looked to your right side and your PA, Mia, is holding a piece of cardboard to fan your face with.

“Oh honey, my sweetie, are you okay?” Your mother fills your face with kisses as she was caressing your hair.

“Wh—what happened? Where am I?” You ask the both of them as you prop yourself up from the soft mattress.

“We’re in Baekhyunie’s suite, my sweet child. He said you fainted after he gave you a glass of water.” Your mother explains, both she and Mia helped you sit up on the bed. Instead of your Swarovski studded heels, Mia slipped on a pair of slippers on your feet with the logo of the hotel embroidered on it.

“Baekhyunie? How long was I out for, mother?” You ask again and you cradled your now throbbing head inside your palms.

“You’ve been asleep for almost two hours now.” She answers you, her voice full of motherly concern.

“Mother, please take me to my room. I want to rest.” With your request, she bobs her head and Mia immediately, but slowly stood you up and helps you walk out of the room.

With the sound of the bedroom door opening, the three men, Baekhyun, his father and yours, stopped their conversation to look at you. Baekhyun instantly stood up from his seat when he saw you being guided by your PA.

“We’re taking her back to her room, she needs to rest.” Your mother explains to the three men and your father nod in approval. You discreetly tug on Mia’s hand to tell her to pick up the pace so you don’t have to talk to any of them, especially Baekhyun.

“I’ll be going with you. I guess I’ll see you at breakfast tomorrow, then?” You heard your father said.

We’ll see you all tomorrow, my friend.” The friendly voice of Chairman Byun answered back.

“How am I engaged without me knowing, father? Mother, please explain.” Both your hands slowly knead your temples out of the stress of the situation you are currently in. Mia was about to exit your hotel suite, but you stopped her when you gripped her coat. You feel so violated right now and you needed a friend or an ally. And she’s the only one you can trust right now.

“Soojin-ah, I need you right now…” The authoritative tone of your father’s voice is still there, with a hint of desperation.

“How am I being engaged to a stranger helping you, father?” You wanted to scream and be mad, but the shake in your voice failed you.

“Baekhyunie is not a stranger my dea—“ You cut your mother’s words off.

“To you, he’s not, but to me he is. He’s a stranger to me, mom. I don’t know him, I don’t know if he’s some creepy son of a CEO or if he’s some psychopath who masks himself with expensive clothing, okay!” You started sobbing and Mia immediately rubs your back soothingly. Thank goodness she’s totally sympathetic of you.  You can tell by her gentle whispers of ‘shhhs’ on your ears. Your parents, on the other hand, are just frozen in front of you; their feet are growing roots on the ground.

“I need you to take over the company, Lee Soojin.” Your father said your whole name, indicating that he is gravely serious.

“Why me? Isn’t Seungmin oppa supposed to do that for you?” You snap your head up to them, showing your tear streaked face boldly.

“Your brother left us.” Was the only response your mother gave.

“Wh—what do you mean?” Your voice shook again.

“He fell in love with a maid and they ran away together.”

__________

The breakfast wasn’t particularly peaceful, but it’s tolerable. Baekhyun managed to keep quiet and his father was the one doing all the talking for him. Asking you about the stuff you like and what you don’t like. What your favorite literature piece was or if you like anything art related. What kind of music you listen to and whether you prefer to travel by air or by sea.

“I really don’t have a preference, Chairman Byun. I’ve been living alone for the last ten years of my life and I have avoided vacations and traveling by pleasure altogether.” You answered him while cutting the delicately poached egg on top of your breakfast waffle and the orange yolk burst out all over the crispy crust. You looked at the old man and he smiled at you. He probably knows that your father kicked you out and sent you away at the tender age of 13. He should know, they’re best friends after all.

“Remember we went to a beach that one time with Hisa and Mei-mei?” You were surprised your mother called your friends by their nicknames. She wasn’t very fond of them at first, but then she realized slowly that they were the only other people who love and cares for you when she wasn’t around.

“Mom it was only one time and the beach was just an hour drive from my apartment, it wasn’t necessarily a vacation.” You said in a matter-of-fact tone. She cocked her head to the side before speaking.

“It was still fun, isn’t it.” She smiled brightly and went back to eating her breakfast salad.

“You and Baekhyun should travel together and get to know each other. Maybe in Hawaii or The Bahamas?” Chairman Byun suggested just as you were taking a bite of your food. You almost choked and your mother is hitting your back slightly as you let out a cough. Here we go, here come the engagement talks.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Chairman Byun.” You said after you recovered.

“Lee Soojin!” Your father warned with a slightly restricted hit on the table with his tight fist. Chairman Byun tapped your father’s arm soothingly and his hard expression softened.

“Please Soojin-ah, call me father.” The old man smiled warmly at you and it made your stomach turn in a strange way. Chairman Byun is much warmer and fatherly to you than your own dad and it almost makes you want to cry and rant out your bottled-up emotions.

“F—father?” You stuttered.

“Yes since I will be your father-in-law sooner or later.”

After breakfast, the three elders left you and Baekhyun to have a little ‘get-to-know-each-other’ privacy. The two elder males went to the golf club of the hotel for a friendly competition, which they do almost every other weekend. Your mother then went back home to take care of her garden and to welcome your sister Soojung back home from a vacation. You honestly wanted to go with your mother, but she insisted that you needed to spend time with your fiancé. You almost wanted to scoff at that word because you barely know Baekhyun except for his name.

“Look, I’m sure you’re a nice dude and all, but… I don’t like this. All of this.” You drew a big imaginary circle in the air with your hand gestures. You heard Baekhyun huff and your jaw almost dropped at his audacity.

“Look, I don’t like this either. I don’t like you.” Baekhyun reiterates. Your skin crawled when he said he doesn’t like you. This is the first sentence he said all morning and he’s sneering at you already, rude.

“Excuse me?” You placed your right palm on your chest and faked a hurt tone. Baekhyun’s lips curled upwards at your sarcasm.

“I’m only doing this for my father. He’s a very good man and I have fucked up a lot of times in the past. I don’t want to fail him now so if you could cooperate with me, that would be lovely.” He said with an arrogant intonation in his voice as he sips his tea. You gazed at him intensely and you slightly snarl your lips up with his cockiness.

“It’s not my problem anymore if you fail your father again this time.” You said through gritted teeth and your nose flaring with annoyance.

“It’s your problem too. Your father will be disappointed with you again.” ‘Again? What does he mean by again?’ You thought to yourself.

“Again? Wha—what do you mean by—“ Before you could even finish, he abruptly interrupted your sentence.

“You heard me. I know everything about you Lee Soojin-ssi. I know it’s your fault why your youngest sister is now blind.”

With the mention of Sunmi, your blind sister, your body immediately stiffens. You felt the skin all over your body heat up with anguish and guilt. Baekhyun flashed you a taunting smirk when he saw your lips quiver. You bit your lower lip to stop it from totally convulsing out of control and you cleared your throat to compose yourself. Baekhyun stood up from his chair and walked up to your side.

“So please, Princess, cooperate with your Prince.” Baekhyun jabs. He tucked a few stray hairs behind your ears and kissed your cheeks near the side of your lips in a teasing manner.

As he swiftly left your side, his familiar scent entered your nose. But instead of comfort, your stomach churned and you can taste bile in your tongue. When Baekhyun was long gone and you are alone, that’s when you broke down. Your hands covered your face as you sob on your palms non-stop. The guilt and shame are slowly eating you up again, something you haven’t felt in almost a year now. But here you are, having a panic attack because you are reminded why your parents sent you away from home. You were sent to solidarity for a decade because it was your fault why your sister is now blind.

As the car was rolling down the hill, you were strapped in the driver seat; you look at your 10-year-old sister beside you on the passenger side.

You try to yell at her to fasten her seatbelt on, but she couldn’t function anymore. She was already a crying mess.

So you decide to reach out to her side of the seatbelt, but you were already constricted by your own. And before you can block her body…

CRASH!

The car you were in crashed on a tree in your backyard.

You were knocked unconscious, head bleeding nonstop when it hit the steering wheel.

Sunmi, on the other hand, went flying through the windshield.

The last thing you remember was your parents screaming incoherent and blood-curdling shrieks.

[asterinjapan]

Of lakes and volcanoes: visiting Hakone

First things first: getting up early. I am so giddy and excited about being in Japan that I kinda stayed up – too late last night, so getting up by 6 AM was challenging to say the least, oops. I made it, though! My friend and I had agreed to meet at Shinjuku station by 7 AM, giving us enough time for the special limited train going to Hakone. One thing I forgot to keep in mind: Shinjuku station is big. Like, big-big, like, pretty-sure-it’s-one-o-the-biggest-if-not-the-biggest-station-in-the-world big. Oops. I made it to our agreed meeting place juuuust in time, but luckily we still had some time to grab a bite (breakfast starts at 7 AM at my hotel, so I didn’t have anything to eat yet). And after that, to the Romance Car!

That, uh, is the name of the special limited express train directly to Hakone-Yumoto station, haha. I asked my friend: apparently they call it Romance because riding a train like this should make you feel special, like a romance would. Alright. (Japanese trains often have names, by the way. See also: the Yamanote-line and all the bullet trains.) Anyway! We had some catching up to do, so time flew by and before we knew it, we’d made it to Hakone-Yumoto station.

After that, it’s still quite a trip. You see, Hakone is a national park, situated in the mountain area outside of Tokyo. Hakone-Yumoto is the first main station, and here you transfer to the next train, the Hakone Tozan (mountain climbing) train. Predictably, this train leads you up the mountains, and it has lovely views! The road is littered with hydrangea bushes. Sadly they’re out of season now, but since they bloom in June, there were still some left. Absolutely gorgeous. The mountains are steep and the train zigzags through the mountains, turning in some places to track back a little before taking the tracks further upwards.

And after that, another transfer! Okay, to be honest, you can do the whole trip by bus, but where’s the fun in that when you’re early and able to take the scenic route? We had Hakone Free Passes anyway, which allow free travel within the Hakone area with all modes of transport. So next up, the cable car! Unlike the one on Mount Koya last year, this one actually has quite some stops. We definitely weren’t the only ones today going into the mountains, so the cable car was pretty cramped, but we made it up just fine. Once again, lovely views, though less opportunities to take good pictures this time, haha.

The cable car goes from Goura to Sounzan station, and at Sounzan station, we had the scariest transfer: onto the ropeway! I was expecting to be internally screaming the whole way, but to be honest, it wasn’t that bad at all! The only scary bit was the fact that it went quite a bit faster than I was expecting, and the slight bumps along the way as it hit a strengthened point.

But all that trouble was quickly forgotten once the scenery came into view that we spent all this scenic traveling so far for. The ropeway leads you directly over Owakudani, a volcanic valley. This was my first time ever seeing a real live volcano, and wow, the sight was impressive! All these fumes and the barren landscape right in the middle of those green mountains around us. Actually, there was a volcanic explosion back in 2015, which made it impossible for about a year to take the ropeway. Things are a bit calmer now, although you’re still advised to stay away if you’re not in good health.

It’s really impressive to see the full forces of mother Nature, even though things are relatively calm now. The entire area reeks of sulfur for obvious reasons, and there’s a permanent fog from the fumes. It’s a stark reminder of how dangerous this country can actually be, with active volcanoes and earthquakes. It can be easy to forget in the middle of Tokyo.

But hey, there’s not all downsides to this! The area also provides plenty of hot springs, and it’s also used to boil eggs to the point of blackness. Pitch black! Naturally they’re a favourite souvenir, so we picked up a bag of 5 eggs and waited for them to cool down a bit so we could peel them. (Seriously, they were so hot I could barely hold one for longer than half a second, like they’ve literally just been lifted from the fiery pits of volcano.) The black eggs are said to provide longivity, and eating one should expand your life for 7 years. I had 3, so I guess I’ll live to be 121 years now then?Haha. Anyway, they mostly just taste like normal eggs, and once you peel off the black shell, there’s just a white egg with yellow yolk inside. Although to be honest, I would not have trusted it if the egg itself had been black too, pff.

After a small snack for lunch (since 3 eggs are. Quite a bit), we went on the ropeway again that led down the mountain hills. It was time for another impressive sight: Lake Ashi! (Ashinoko in Japanese. Some plates say ‘Lake Ashi’, but Ashi-no-ko already means ‘lake of Ashi’, so that’s redundant.) Ashi is a crater lake, formed when the volcano last erupted around 3000 years ago. It’s a popular spot for sightseeing, especially in clear weather when you can see Mount Fuji.

You might have guessed by my lack of ecxlamation marks, but not exactly a clear day today, haha. I wasn’t expecting to see Fuji at all during my trip, since the skies get hazy in summer, but it was still a slight disappointment, since most of the area tries to hype you up for Mount Fuji. Oh well. The mountain area is still lovely for sightseeing, so that’s what we did! Lake Ashi has numerous sightseeing cruises, that look like pirate ships because why not. (You can also rent one of those peddle boats shaped like swans, because once again, why not. But the Free Pass covers the pirate ships, so a pirate ship it is!) The ship makes its way across the lake in slightly over half an hour, hitting two stops before turning back. We got off at the second stop, Moto-Hakone-Ko, from where we had a nice sight of one of the red gates of the nearby Hakone shrine, right below the mountains where eh, Fuji should be somewhere. You know that one picture of Mount Fuji towering above a lake when you google Hakone? Yeah, that sight. If you squint your eyes and wish really, really hard, I’m sure you could have pretended to have seen Mount Fuji today, but there wasn’t a trace of it, not even a faint outline. Dang, that mountain (sleeping volcano, technically) sure is elusive.

Anyway, not to matter, because we had other impressive sights to take in! My friend wanted to visit a nearby art museum, the Narukawa Art Museum, which is probably not a place I would have visited for myself, but I’m glad we did. Although my legs were getting pretty tired at this point, the museum houses an impressive lection of traditional Japanese art paintings, most of them featuring sights from Europe. That was really a unusual sight: these familiar sights in a style that really reflects traditional Japanese paintings. Taking pictures was actually allowed, but ‘only for private use’, so I won’t put them on my blog just in case.

The museum prides itself on being situated riiiight across from Mount Fuji, so there’s this huge panorama window from where you can sip tea (or have an ice cream, which is what we did) and enjoy the lovely sight. Sigh. As I was saying, I hadn’t actually counted on seeing Mount Fuji, but they really rub it in everywhere, haha.

The museum was starting to close, so we rushed out and made it to our last visit for today: the aforementioned Hakone Shrine. It was a quick walk from the museum and led slightly uphill through a small forest trail, which made the red gates and lanterns stand out even more.

Quite some pictures later, we went back to the museum, since that was where the bus station is situated. We were in luck and caught the last express bus straight to Odawara station, just outside of Hakone. From Odawara, you can take a direct train back to Shinjuku. So that was neat!

We went out for a bite in Odawara, looked up where to find the castle for my visit later this trip (it’s like a 10 minute walk from the station, so that should be doable even for me, haha), and then headed towards the train.

So here I am, back in my hotel some some 14+ hours after leaving it this morning, whoa. I’ll hop in the shower after updating my blog – luckily today wasn’t super hot, a nice 24 C I think? It probably helped we went uphill. Tomorrow morning will be cloudy, but it should clear up in the afternoon. I’d revisit the Imperial Gardens if they weren’t closed on Fridays, yay. I have some other Tokyo sights to see though, so I’ll probably opt for those and keep it calm tomorrow.

Photos will be up in a few minutes, see you tomorrow!

[unpretty]

Please post pics of your new mixer attachments?

IT’S TIME FOR FOODBLOGGING PART TWO: THE PRODUCT REVIEW THAT GOES ON FOREVER AND MAKES YOU READ MY LIFE STORY BEFORE TELLING YOU WHETHER THE THING IS WORTH BUYING

(spoiler: maybe the ice cream maker, almost certainly not the juicer)

when last we left our heroes, i did not have a stand mixer, but then my dad bought me one and then very recently bought me some fancy attachments for… my brother’s birthday?? i don’t really know why, maybe he just likes buying kitchen shit but has run out of room in his own kitchen and is living vicariously through me. who knows, whatever.

i’m using this recipe for ice cream, and this kitchenaid ice cream attachment thing. at least i assume that’s the one, it’s the most popular one on amazon and that’s generally how my dad makes purchasing decisions. the new york times claimed to have the only ice cream recipe i would ever need, but it involved, like, cooking some egg yolks and milk in a saucepan and basically making a fancy fucking custard as step one, and that’s too many goddamn steps. all of the recipes that came with this fucking attachment were just as bad so fuck that, if this recipe is good enough for ben and/or jerry it’s good enough for me, i’ll save the fancy shit for when i’m in the mood to really hate myself. where was i.

don’t @ me about the imitation vanilla, i know i should be using real vanilla and not dollar store fake shit, i don’t care. this tiny corner of the counter used to be my designated tea corner but it’s kind of become overwhelmed by fifty million fucking appliances, but especially this goddamn stand mixer. it’s huge. it’s fucking monstrous. i’m really hoping we can get a table, or an island, or a buffet or something to keep this thing on once we get rid of the kitchen couch. don’t ask about the kitchen couch.

that picture is from last september, why the fuck have we had a kitchen couch for so long. anyway this recipe says to whisk together eggs and sugar until they’re fluffy but not firm, which i guess means whisk the shit out of it but don’t make a meringue? i don’t know what constitutes fluffy.

once i arbitrarily decided it was fluffy enough i dumped all the milk and cream and fake vanilla in there, but like, there ended up being just a bunch of egg yolk sorta stuck to the bottom of the bowl that i didn’t find until later when it was too late. this happens every goddamn time i use this fucking whisk and you’d think i’d learn but i do not. @kitchenaid why

here’s the real moment of truth, the ice cream maker. i’ve been keeping the bowl in the freezer since i got it and it takes up literally half of my dinky little freezer. they say to freeze it for a minimum of 15 hours but to keep it in the freezer all the time so you can make ice cream on a whim, but they sorely overestimate the size of my freezer or underestimate how much room i need for pizza rolls.

when i took this picture i had actually already started making it, but originally i was going to just… idk. ladle the mix into the ice cream bowl out of the big silver bowl. that was A TERRIBLE FUCKING IDEA, and ice cream mix got everywhere, and i don’t have any pictures of that because it turned out you could see my reflection in the silver bowl and i’m not wearing pants. i haven’t been wearing pants this whole time. wait, does that picture from earlier have my reflection in it? shit. it fucking does. i’m going to edit that with a sticker or something but only people who’ve made it this far into the post will know why that’s there. there’s going to be a cut here but to people on mobile it will just look like the post ends and for that i apologize (or maybe… you’re welcome???)

as you can see there is like an inch or two where you can pour the mix in, which is why the ladle was such a fucking shit garbage idea, but once i put the mix into a measuring cup like a sensible person it was fine. at this point i just have to let it run for a half hour, so i figured i’d set some bread out to rise and maybe stick some milk in the crockpot to make yogurt while i was at it.

this all sounds very productive but i keep a huge tub of bread dough in the back of the fridge at all times so i can just make bread whenever, it is actually the laziest bread in the fucking world

and yes, before you ask, i did buy one of every flavor of the mystery flavored peeps. i also still haven’t put any pants on. at this point i went to set a timer for the yogurt and realized that i had never actually set a timer for a half hour, and had no idea when the ice cream was supposed to be done. i would just have to eyeball it and hope for the best.

slightly more like ice cream, but still not ice cream

this is what it looks like outside and i’m making ice cream, what am i even doing.

that seems… doneish? at this point it was like, noon, exactly, which would maybe explain why i didn’t set a timer, because maybe i thought i could just remember that it was supposed to be done at noon. i don’t know why i thought that. i have been dealing with myself for 27 years so you’d think i’d know better.

THIS FUCKING THING is a straight bitch and a half to get all the ice cream off of and i was determined not to waste any so this was the point where i just started licking it. and like. HOLY SHIT. HOLY SHIT. IT’S SO GOOD. i tried to take a selfie of the look of awe and wonder on my face but at this point i had bedhead and no pants and my face was covered in white vanilla cream so i think you can understand why i deleted that posthaste.

it came with a tub to keep the ice cream in, so, that was nice.

FINAL VERDICT: it works. but i’m pretty sure you can get dedicated ice cream makers for cheaper than this thing and they wouldn’t take up much more room than this bigass bowl. but if you’re determined to maximize the value of your colossal fucking kitchen appliance then this is a good use of a kitchenaid.

NOW FOR THE JUICER

“kitty that sure does look like a lot of fiddly bullshit to attach to a kitchenaid” haha you are CORRECT. note the helpfully provided toothbrush to help you clean this thing. but WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE HOW IT GOES ON

THIS IS THE LEAST STABLE LOOKING THING IN THE WORLD. it’s fine, but, jesus christ. this looks so unsafe. somehow they’ve found a way to make a kitchenaid take up even more goddamn counter space. as long as i’m bitching, i fucking hate juice recipes. they’re all like ‘four stalks of celery’ but like that’s not a fucking measurement?? what size celery are you using??? i guaran-fucking-tee it’s smaller than the celery i’m using because there’s no goddamn way you want four of these.

i barely even want one of these. i’m only using this because i bought this big fucking bag of celery and now i need to get rid of it. what is even the point of having celery in this? it doesn’t have vital nutrients. it’s just water with regrets. don’t juice celery.

they say you don’t have to peel the ginger or the carrots but unpeeled carrots make the worst juice in the world and i don’t want to risk drinking ginger skin. have you seen ginger skin. it’s gross. i also core all my apples even though i shouldn’t need to because i’m convinced i’ll drink apple seed juice and get cyanide poisoning somehow. anyway i’m sure there’s a way to peel a lemon without wasting all the lemon juice but i haven’t found it.

that looks like the world’s worst salad. you have to carefully position the pitcher and the pulp thing or you’re going to have a lot of problems.

starting off with carrots was actually a terrible goddamn plan because that would be one hell of a way to find out i positioned my pitchers wrong. ‘whoops, now my counters are ruined forever because carrot juice will stain everything you love’. incidentally the little thing that holds the beater/whisk/whatever just kind of spins wildly for as long as you’re juicing. it’s deeply unsettling.

this is… okay, i will be the first to admit that this does not look great. i used the low pulp filter but there is still a significant amount of pulp. but once i run it through another filter and mix it all up…

… it actually looks worse. okay so i just kind of made up a recipe because i figured, like, carrots are good and blueberries are good and kale exists, but now i realize why i couldn’t find any carroty blueberry-y recipes. it’s because it looks like shit. now i understand why people color-coordinate their veggies. i drank it and it actually tastes… like a lot of ginger. i put too much ginger. my sinuses have never been so clear. but now the best part: CLEANUP

that sure is a whole lot of shit i get to clean, now. there was basically an entire cucumber in there, which plus the pulp and the peels and everything is a whole lotta trash. i’m giving it to mom’s chickens so it’s not a complete waste but good god.

FINAL VERDICT: i like being able to pretend that my kitchenaid is for anything besides making me fatter but this is not a good juicer. it somehow takes up more room than a normal juicer, it’s horrible to clean, and it’s not even cheap. it’s better than no juicer, and if someone offers you this juicer then you might as well take it, but like if you have options, this is not the one to go for.

unrelated to the kitchenaid, the bread turned out great. i had it with some creamed honey i bought from the muffler shop in town that a beekeeper owns, and some cherry jam. it made me feel really healthy and wholesome about eating what was basically a hunk of carbs covered in sugar.

[thedonisborn]

Quinoa Brunch Bowl with 6 Minute Soft Boiled Eggs, Creamy Avocado, Tofu Puffs and a Miso Mustard Dressing · i am a food blog i am a food blog site

You guys, you know what I’m the worst at? Packing. I’m absolutely horrible. I love making lists and getting everything together and ready to put into the luggage but when it comes to actually fitting things inside, I’m a mess. I’ve tried rolling things up, laying things flat, compartmentalizing – I’ve tried it all. I’m really bad at visualizing things in spaces. It’s funny because when I pack, all the things end up taking so much space. Then Mike will come by, shake his head, rearrange everything and all of a sudden there will be space in our bags for extra stuff (and by extra stuff I totally mean more green tea pocky!)

I’m always on the look out for better ways to pack but recently, I discovered the most ultimate packing tool: compression bags. Our friend came to visit us in Japan with just a tiny carry on. He had so many changes of clothing though so I didn’t get how he got everything in there. On the last day, as he was stuffing green tea latte souvenirs into the side pockets, I saw a weird large ziplock bag. He squished it and my curiosity got the best of me.

Turns out it was a compression bag – apparently all the rage with backpackers. Thing is, I’ve never gone backpacking. And…I’m pretty sure if I ever did go backpacking my bag would be comically large. Anyway, the way it work is, you put your clothes in the bag, seal it, and then roll it to  squish all the air out through these two small vents at the bottom of the bag. It squishes your clothes into a tiny, tiny package. Of course, you clothes come out all wrinkly, but if you’re just using it for bulky, squishy things like sweats (let’s face it, my main wardrobe choice) then you’ll be just fine.

Speaking of squishy things, have you guys ever tried tofu puffs? They’re soft and airy cubes of tofu that have delightfully hollow insides. They’re chill, don’t try to be anything else, and are kind of the sweat pants of the tofu world. Tofu puffs are my life and I basically built this bowl around them. I could eat them morning, noon, and night. I just open up a package and snack on them plain. But, I totally get it if you don’t eat plain tofu puffs so here’s a little breakfast bowl that’ll get you through the day. Creamy avocado, a six minute egg, tofu puffs, and seaweed. Super protein-full and super delicious. See, I’m not all carbs all the time! Okay, who am I kidding, usually I am all carbs, all the time.

Quinoa Breakfast Bowls serves 2

Quinoa

Miso Mustard Dressing

Set up for boiling the eggs by preparing a large bowl of cold water and ice. Set aside for when the eggs are done. Bring a pot of water with 3 inches of water up to to a boil over high heat. Reduce the heat until the water is barely simmering. Using a slotted spoon, gently add your eggs and set a timer for 6 minutes for super soft and 6 minutes and 30 seconds for a yolk that’s just a tiny bit more set. When the time is up, use the slotted spoon to remove the eggs and immediately plunge into the ice water bath. Peel carefully.

Make the dressing: Whisk all the ingredients together. Taste and adjust seasoning if needed.

Divide the quinoa amongst two bowls and top with eggs cut in half, avocado, tofu puffs, green onions and seaweed. Dress to taste with the miso mustard dressing.

Do not forget the green tea Kitkats! I am hopeless packer; yet the upside is I always pack less to make room for gifts (aka Food and snacks). Gosh love the recipe and photography here! Love Tofu puffs in any form (even eaten by them selves). I could not think of more comforting meal to eat on Sunday Stephanie :)

Tofu puffs? I have never heard of those! They sound great, I’ll have to seek them out sometime. This looks like an awesome meal to me :)

Hehe we’re on the same page I think– I’ve always wanted to backpack but I would probably be the world’s worst packer ever… like, will we need this waffle iron? Maybe??? I bring zis waffle iron, yesss? ;) I’m a rather good eater, though, so feel free to send me a bowl….mmm!

The egg looks perfect! And I’ve never heard of tofu puffs before, but it definitely sounds like something I would love.

Good packers are like magicians. It’s like, a special superpower. I do not have it.

Love me anything with an egg and I love the looks of this, especially the dressing. Cheers!

We’ll, I’ll have to check the Asian markets to see if tofu puffs are available here in Sweden, but I’m totally having quinoa and soft boiled eggs for breakfast tomorrow!

My mouth has dropped. Thank you for that >_

Steph, you know how much I love brunch, right? I totally love every bite of this dish, especially that egg. And compression bags is a must! I carried it when I travel overseas…and still need an extra luggage of snacks and all goodies, especially when I come back from Japan!

My mom is the best packer. She can take 50 pounds of stuff and fit it into a 6 inch box (slight exaggeration. . . but close). I’ve never heard of tofu puffs but they seem like they might add an interesting texture/crunch to a dish. This is a beautiful dish full.

The sweatpants of the tofu world–I love that. This breakfast bowl looks great. I’d guess that the textural differences between the quinoa, the tofu puffs, and the avocado/eggs would be delightful.

I love a good meal in a bowl and the miso mustard dressing sounds incredible. Easy to layer and change ingredients slightly while keeping it nicely contained! Packing a meal into a bowl can make a mess look neat :)

It looks amazzzingggggg! So delicious! Need to try this recipe. http://www.trangscorner.com

This Quinoa Bowl looks delicious! Can’t wait to try it!!

I’ve yet to try tofu puffs, but you’ve combined some of my favorite things here. Looks like the perfect breakfast to me!

Hehe my friend and I were just discussing how many Uhauls it would take to get me out of my current apartment. Yeesh! Still, good thing you do hearty breakfasts and all that jazz, yeah? YUM! I love tofu puffs!

Awesome idea to pack the quinoa into breakfast – especially with an egg and avocado, what a ‘superbreakfast!’

Ummmm this looks amazeballs.. I can’t wait to try… I would totally have this for lunch or dinner

I found the tofu puffs at my local Asian market!! So excited**