#but what if it's not and i get rejected lmao idk if i can deal with that

[pinktinselmonstrosity]

my uni literary journal is accepting submissions 👀 do i do it

[aftokrator-official]

some Thoughts on chapter 13 now that i've finished:

I LOVE HOEDERER.... i already did but like. Really enjoyable to get his POV in this event and see more of his inner thoughts and motivations. I'm fond of characters who are so tired and worn down and jaded, but manage to hold onto some scrap of hope regardless, even against their own better judgment. A lot like Mlynar in that way, tbh.

regrettably this chapter sold me on hoederines a little. i'm CONFLICTED because i love wines so much, dammit. (and manhoe, but there's not as much of a conflict with my headcanons there.) But their relationship is so good regardless of whether you read it as romantic or platonic.

speaking of, Ines was a delight in this chapter. Love her role as the resident non-Sarkaz Sarkaz who is completely unaffected by whatever arcane bullshit is getting to Hoederer and W in any given moment, so she can yell at them to snap out of it and save all of their lives lmao. I love her deep loyalty and care for them that she expresses in everything but words. ugh ugh i love her

the little subplot with Vendela and the Sarkaz commander who tried to keep her safe was sweet and sad, I wish he'd gotten a unique sprite at least. I kind of want to see her meet Flamebringer now and her reaction to the friendship between him and Perfumer... I feel like there's some parallels there.

We're starting to see some payoff to the buildup with Siege in this arc, and I'm so glad! I've never really understood the hate her arc gets - I know it's partly that I'm biased, she was my first 6* so I'm rather fond of her, and I just really like the whole concept of the Glasgow Gang. And I think it doesn't help that ch12 was (imo) the weakest part of act 2 so far. But also, it was always really clear to me that we've been just... laying the groundwork with her up til now, I didn't really expect her to have big moments or turning points yet? Idk. i kind of want to write a whole post about her arc and my thoughts on it at some point. BUT, I really liked her in ch13, seeing her start to really come into her own and how all the events of act 2 up until now have shaped her decisions.

I'M REALLY SAD ABOUT GUARD ACTUALLY??? :( Tbh I have not really cared much about New!Reunion until this chapter, except for Talulah, but I'm finally getting invested. And Talulah's confrontation with Eblana was AMAZING. I've always seen her as a foil to Talulah - while Talulah started down her path with good intentions and ideals, Dublinn seems to have been like late-stage Reunion from the very start, because Eblana has always cared more about seeking power than about the oppression of the people around her. SO FUCKING SATISFYING to see Talulah, of all people, calling her out on that, and protecting Reunion from her. I really hope we get more of these two in future, and also more Reed in main story please please pleeeaseee.

This chapter was wonderfully cohesive with the themes of tradition and bloodlines vs forging a new path. Siege, Delphine and Horn, all beginning to break away from their inherited roles in Victoria's hegemony and fight on their own terms instead. The Kazdel flashbacks, the spacetime feranmut, and Hoederer's POV - a character who wants to see a better future for Kazdel, while still remembering and learning from its past. Nine, Guard and Talulah dealing with what Reunion means as a symbol, and figuring out what it should become. Shining and Nightingale, confronting the Confessarii and their own past. Even Vendela, having to let go of the life and traditions she'd grown up in, the townspeople clinging to familiarity and the hope that things would go back to normal to the point that it was literally going to kill them. The confrontation with the Sanguinarch was such a great culmination of all of this, with his fixation on blood purity and the glorious lost past of the Teekaz. And he's defeated by several people who all soundly reject his vision of what the Sarkaz "should" be - Amiya, the outblood King; Logos, who does have a "pure" bloodline by the Sanguinarch's standards but refuses to be defined by the role he inherited; Hoederer and W, two of the mixed-race "commoner" Sarkaz he's so contemptuous of (and Hoederer specifically rejecting the idea that the Sarkaz's destiny must always be soaked in blood); Ines, who isn't a Sarkaz at all, except she is, because her family is Sarkaz, and she's always going to be one of them. It was! So fucking good!

[nomsfaultau]

First ask since the daily ask ended hehe

If you had to make fault into a time loop story, what time period would you choose for each character and how would it go?

Clarification. You get to choose a time period (ex. Hour, day, couple of days, event, week) that each character has to repeat for over and over until they get out of it somehow. You get to choose from everything that has happened in the character's lives so far, whether it be in text or just living in your head. For clarification the character from that point in time has to repeat it, not the current character getting teleported into the past. And you can choose the rest of the circumstances for the characters, how the time loop works, how to break it, etc etc.

I just got this idea spontaneously and got curious. (Psssttt I was watching a In stars and time video essay)

Technically the amnestic arc is reverse ground hog day for Phil lmao. 

Anyway I thought the 1st part worked best for this ask considering it has a very defined start (Tubbo captured) and end (they escape). Since we don’t see anyone but clingy duo during that time, and because Tommy has limited capabilities, I elected to shove the time loop on Tubbo given information gathering and ability to effect things outside their cell. So the moment Tubbo is carried outside, they wake up smoke drowsy and half dead in their cell. Or say a month, since otherwise it could be years or lifetimes between the loop restarting given difficulties escaping. 

Tubbo naturally assumes the way to get out is to escape without anyone being killed. This is their chance to do it right. So simple things like asking the Farmer for permission to eat the potatoes to prevent a slaughter. At least…until armed with hind sight Tubbo is able to realize that’s The Blade. And they still have that trauma from losing their legs even if it’s now been undone, are terrified of The Blade above all else. It’s going to be many many loops before they can properly talk to him, and maybe could eventually have an easier time getting to bond with him, particularly with the lack of intense pain and the investigation done into trying to figure out how to prevent attacks. Cause just have Tommy Collect them before hand or it’s fine. Or they’ll have Rhodes adopt Jasmine it probably counts and would be permanent. Now. This would have to be a topic I handle very delicately, since the ‘magical un-do button’ on injury/disability is a very ableist trope, one which I haven’t always handled with grace. Things like erasing disabled representation at the very least, and at most catastrophic could imply things like ‘in the GOOD timeline Tubbo isn’t disabled because they did everything right this time’ which is pretty icky to me for the implying disability as a punishment/intolerable outcome angle. Idk how I’d try to go about it though. 

Also they’d try to get to Tommy as soon as possible. Small problem on that front: Tommy will not leave his cell unless compelled through the sirenic properties of an invitation to join the Hive. And Tubbo is hella traumatized from Rosalind, so that probably wouldn’t happen for a loop or two. But they need Tommy so so badly. Repeatedly asking Tommy and waiting for that rejection is probably painful as hell, but probably more in the cringe way as time goes on. Since originally Tubbo did it very much out of survival desperation and changeling instinct, which is embarrassing to reenact. 

Tubbo would also like immediately try to figure out the deal with UnCollection. Maybe not necessarily like trying to stop it since they think Philza is awful (though not terrified of him like they are post amnestic arc which won’t happen until time loop is broken) and Tommy is better off without him. But when Phil is like immediately ‘what no I would never’ and then Tommy is UnCollected anyway and he doesn’t know what’s happening, then they’d do investigated the 2-4th loops and figure out it was Foundation plot. While still shaded by murder from the Hallway and escape, they’d begin to find him a very useful source of information and strategy. Plus he is like. An actual source of good mental health advice unlike Tommy, and starts feeling like an emotional support unlike Tommy who is more like clinging onto a fellow drowning person. Might actually come out of it neutral to pro Philza. 

The real question is…does ALL of Tubbo remember? Because presumably you’d want Rhodes and Jasmine aware of what happened, and all the bees to be on the same page. Which leads me to believe that Rosalind would still be part of the hivemind. A separate body, somewhat, but still Tubbo. Which could mean that both Tubbo could take control of Rosalind’s body, and she could take control of theirs. Potentially? But they definitely can communicate telepathically. 

Because I like that death march for both of them, of knowing this ends in her brutal death, of knowing this ends in the shattering of their morals. They can’t ever fully undo it, the mistake irreversible, a permanent stain that both have to live with. The horror of Tubbos’ biggest regret born from survivalistic terror, having to ask if they’d make that choice again and again without the pressure of panic. A conscious and controlled choice to destroy someone, not driven by instinct and desperation.

Technically, this gets into the slightly nebulous territory of if Rosalind is even part of the Foundation at the start of the loop, since her first day of (interacting with the anomalies at least) is a week after Tubbo is captured. From what I can tell she joined willingly as opposed to the more standard ‘oh you’ve been traumatized by an anomaly hire time’ approach. This could mean she simply…never steps foot in the Foundation again. Walks away from Omelas as it were. For a couple loops that’s what she does at least, but Tubbos’ line of what happens to us if all the good people leave? would haunt her uncontrollably, as would their determination to rescue everyone plus constant appeals to her. Rosalind would willingly return to the Foundation and begin helping under the promise that Tubbo won’t kill her.

And I can’t imagine the look on Tubbos’ face when they realize they could have survived the beheading. That Rosalind didn’t have to die. Cycle after cycle of cutting off pieces of themselves over and over, pushing themselves to last long enough to make it to the reset no matter what they have to sacrifice. The long term effects would be so unique. Do they stop using their left hand if it’s gone more often than not? Does the phantom pain remain even if the limb is still there? 

It’s poking around in information she shouldn’t be that gets Rosalind Keter duty with Tubbo, and early loop investigations would keep this part consistent as they try to build info. With better handling of Lawrence, Clingy Duo and Rosalind escape. Only for Tubbo to wake up again in the cell. 

Okay. So now they start trying to figure out how to get The Blade, Wilbur, Philza, Skeppy, Halo, and Charlie out without murder. Hella complicated but they could get very clever between small bees infiltrating everywhere seeing everything moving stuff around and having a Foundation employee working with them. They have a month and literally all the time in the world to figure it out. And then they get everyone out and wake up in the cell again. 

They get intensive about it. Running over schemes over and over because they and Rosalind can get obsessive about planning, and could get really perfectionist  with it. Could get to the point where they find a way to get everyone in the Foundation out. Probably convince Philza to help with it if they explain the ‘Tommy Collected us and it’s a time loop’ since he does have enough control to fight without deaths. Now he would be planning to come back later and raze it but they’d never find out because after years of loops and they finally break every single anomaly out and they. Wake. Up. In that cell again. Do it all again and Tubbo stays, Tubbo chooses to never step foot out even when everyone else is free because Tubbo above all places the collective above the individual.

Because my partner in crime decided Tubbos’ win condition: every last Foundation worker is dead. 

My partner in crime insisted that at some point in eternity Tubbo would start killing people, but believe me I wrote an entire play about the whole time loop serial killer thing and it takes a certain set of character flaws to get there. Tubbos’ flaws are literally exactly what it takes to not become a time loop serial killer. They are stubborn, and determined, and murder is what stuck them in the time loop in the first place by their logic. This is the chance to absolve their guilt if only they can get it right. The whole ‘fleeting pointlessness of human lives that are eventually replaced/reset’ doesn’t work with Tubbo because they’re literally made of bees that live a month, indistinguishable multitudes. The lives cannot lose value to Tubbo, ESPECIALLY as they get to know each one so painfully intimately. 

Tubbo never escapes the time loop. They can’t. Tubbo is self sacrificial to a fault and cares far more for the collective over an individual freedom. And so much like in that original loop so long ago, they fall into disassociations and escapism, each loop fading into one another, indistinguishable fog blurring everything into nothing. 

Cool Anyways we decided if The Blade was in a time loop only the voices would know, and The Blade would be freaked out after a couple hundred loops where the voices gather enough cohesion to just fully speak in unison complex precognitive sentences. They straight up unionize in order to escape the time loop and The Blood God becomes obsessed with replicating that cohesion bc man loves the power of team work. Very much giving infinite monkeys type writers situation. We tried to make Philza’s win condition literally just not torturing Webb to death for one single loop but he’d wait however many loops it took for the Collected Covenant reparation period to pass before he started enacting hellish revenge, so Webb would live the first few times and it wouldn’t work. Also if Tommy was in Tubbos’ time loop he deffo would find a way to kill everyone and hate himself about it. Like he straight up tells subsumed Rosalind to her face she’s lucky she was dealing with Tubbo cause he would’ve just murdered her. 

[mr-ribbit]

jokes are funny and all but I'm getting so fatigued with bits about "lmao I love my trans partner but no way am I gonna learn mtg/play league of legends/watch indie films/deal with their weird collection/insert whatever stereotypical queer nerdy interest"

like sometimes it's lighthearted and funny and it's fine when it's self-targeted of course, but a lot of it just comes off as:

1. straight up unfiltered jock v geek bullying

2. weird misogynistic and binarist jokes about stereotypically male/female interests being unappealing to the other gender (often in a way that feels like stealth misgendering/bioessentialism)

3. "i hate my wife and everything she's interested in" style heteronormative humor

and idk it's just getting kind of exhausting to see it everywhere, particularly when it comes from people who claim to be allies or from other queer groups across the aisle

"i love trans women but not enough to learn that dumb card game lol"

ok so what do you think goes thru your trans partner/love interest/friend's head when they hear stuff like this?

you don't love them enough to learn about their interests? their hobbies, their favorite games? you hate what your gf does in her free time because its so stupid? your gf and all her friends like the same exact thing, bc of their gender, and you're mocking it at her expense? what would these things feel like coming from a cis dude towards cis women about stereotypical "cis woman interests?"

if you don't love them enough to respect their hobbies, what will you love them enough to do?

will you love them enough to keep loving them even if their appearance changes? will you love them enough to stay together even if your marriage becomes illegal? will you love them enough to move away with them if your hometown becomes too dangerous for them to stay? will you love them enough to stand by them against your family, friends, and peers if they're rejected?

grow the fuck up and stop pretending that negging is funny and cool if you make it Queer Coded. it's worse, actually. trans people have so much shit to worry about 24/7 can we normalize making more jokes about how Awesome and Cool they are instead?

[cookinguptales]

feelin kind of demoralized today, just gotta make a vent post

So... my actual job is related to the traditional & self-publishing industry. I spend a lot of time with published authors, trad, self, small press, etc. and I know the ins and outs of things pretty well.

I have also written since I was pretty young and, not to be an asshole, but I know that I'm fairly good at it. People usually like my stuff. I've won writing contests. But at the same time I know I just absolutely do not have the temperament for the industry, so I've never tried any kind of professional publishing for my work.

Some of it is that I truly do believe that monetizing all your hobbies is not a great idea, especially if you struggle with your mental health like I do. If you monetize all your hobbies, suddenly you have a lot of jobs and very few hobbies that you can actually use to unwind. Writing is really, really important to me, and I couldn't bear if it became a permanent source of stress like it is for some writers I know.

I know several authors who love writing, like love writing, but when your writing is connected to whether you have food on the table... it becomes easy to become very, very stressed with writing. Especially when dealing with the editing process, corporate bureaucracy, a nitpicky audience, corporate obligations, self-advocacy, self-advertising, etc. It can be a lot of work to make your hobby into your job, and that work can make something you loved turn into something that's weighing you down.

And being very real with you, I know my own temperament and I know the publishing industry would probably kill me. I'm not as much of a small, nervous dog as I was when I was young, but I still deal poorly with rejection and get demoralized easily. I'm very, very bad at advertising, especially self-advertising, and I'm pretty absent-minded. I love the writing part, but when you're writing for a living, the writing part is only a small fraction of what you need to do.

I don't have enough patience for editing and I get frustrated when things are going slowly and god, the advertising. It used to be that one of the biggest benefits of trad pubbing was that they'd at least do the advertising for you, but even big-name authors are having to pretty much do it themselves these days. And some people are really good at selling themselves and their work! But uh. I'm... not one of them. It is certainly not a skill that I possess. lmao

So... I recognize my weaknesses and I act accordingly. But at the same time, I do really love writing. And I do really want people to read my writing. Some of the stories I've written are so dear to me, but just getting people to read them feels nearly impossible.

This one, though... idk, AITNISTS feels different. It does feel more "important", somehow. I can't quite put it into words. It feels like I've put more of myself onto the page and like, for once, I've written something that feels really whole. And I want people to read it so badly. But I'm so ill-equipped for it!

I've tried to keep the main story as accessible as physically possible while still introducing something like Patreon to maintain... idk, an air of legitimacy? It's something that a lot of art has found success with in recent years, that kind of split model. Offering most of it for free to facilitate a relationship with fans but still being like "yeah, but this work has value and if you want all of it, you'll need to pay a few dollars."

And honestly, I've had a lot of success! AITNISTS is not pulling in the kind of numbers that my fanworks do, but it's doing far better than my other original work has. The people who've read it really seem to like it and are feeling the things that I want them to feel. But every time I post a chapter to absolute crickets I do have A Small Crisis lmao.

Y'know, the "maybe actually this story is terrible" and "maybe actually I'm not good enough" and "who am I kidding actually" kind of vibe. I know that you never really know what people on the other side of the screen are doing and thinking, but it's still so nerve-wracking.

I've had... let's just say many moments where I've considered just calling the whole thing off, dumping the rest of the story on the internet, and pretending I never started any of it.

(s/o to my friends who left very nice comments on my draft that I return to often when I'm feeling like I should just delete the whole thing.)

And I've had a lot of other moments like "god, no one is even READING the blogs, even the people who are paying for them, so why am I wasting everybody's time with all this?"

It's almost like... absent the presence of everyone else, I love this story. I love writing this story. I love writing the blog posts that supplement this story. But once you start posting all that and everyone just kind of stares at you in silence, you start to second-guess the value of all those things you loved. It's very hard to silence the voice in your head that's telling you that you're just annoying people and wasting their time.

It... has been both validating and frustrating to know that I was right about how I'd handle publishing, even if I'm doing a much more chill version of it rn.

But every so often I do get a comment or a message or a Patron and I'm like oh!!! they are reading it! they do like it! this person is getting a lot of value out of the blog posts!

And that fixes the problem until like. The next time no one says anything to me or reads what I write for two weeks lmao.

(And no, I am not ignorant to the fact that a lot of these self-recriminating meltdowns happen in tune with my hormonal cycle. I've had PMDD for many years and I know when it's affecting me. But I think it's probably a combination of real and imagined frustrations rn.)

It's frustrating because I'm a fairly logical person, but also just a deeply anxious one. lmao. So I can keep patiently telling myself all the things I know are true. Y'know, that the publishing industry and whether people find your work at all is based partially on persistence and regularity but if we're being real with each other, mostly luck. One person with a large following reading your work, loving it, and telling a bunch of people is generally the difference between your work becoming popular or falling into obscurity.

I keep telling myself that I'm getting quite a few hits (I'm averaging 100-200 hits per chapter now??) so someone must be reading it. And if I get zero feedback on a chapter, that doesn't actually mean that it's bad. Sometimes people don't have time to read it or don't have much to say or have stuff going on in their own lives.

Like... just because people told me they were excited about this story and told me they wanted to read it, that doesn't mean they are. That's just the way life works, unfortunately, and I've certainly experienced that in fandom, too. It's not like every person who told me they wanted to read it got a glimpse of the finished project and ran for the hills even if that's kind of how it feels sometimes. There's no such thing as a guaranteed audience, and just because someone reads all your other work, that doesn't mean they read this one!

(Dear self, they don't secretly hate you!)

I also keep telling myself that I love this story and a few of my friends whose opinions I value love this story. That's definitely not nothing. But I just very intrinsically find it difficult to find value in my own work -- which I know is a me problem -- and even though I know you're supposed to write for yourself, I just... god, I desperately want people to read this one. I want people to love these characters. Sharing this one with people does feel like sharing part of myself.

More than that, though... I feel like, while kind of niche, I still feel like this story is probably my best opportunity to find readers at all. Greek mythology retellings are pretty popular and are fandom adjacent, so that makes for an easy segue from my fandom persona to an original one. It's m/m, which makes it infinitely more marketable than my f/f, whether I like that or not. It's romance, which has a huge and very dedicated audience.

So I'll admit that a part of me is like "god, if I can't get people to read this then what hope do I have to get people to read the f/f witchy familiar shelter book? If I can't get people to read this, then what about the Medusa story? What about all the other stories that I want to tell that are even less marketable? Should I just give up on everything now?"

When I talk about marketability, i's not even about the money. Obviously the money is nice -- I'm a disabled woman trying to make accessibility renovations to my house and travel as much as possible in the limited time that my body will still let me, of course the money is nice -- but it's more that people read marketable stories. If I can't even get people to read them, how will I get people to connect with them?

I've made enough through Patreon to buy a couple books about Minoan Crete, which is gratifying, and used the rest to do a little bit of hesitant advertising in the hopes that more people will read this thing, but like. I am not good at making my own projects interesting lmao. And writing is a much harder sell than visual arts on social media these days. People do not wanna go to that secondary location lmao. Plus, attention spans are... not what they used to be, I say as someone who has written online and worked in the publishing industry for decades. It's definitely more difficult than it used to be to get people to want to read things that are longer than a paragraph or two. Every author I know is trying to find ways around that, but the fact remains. lmao

But I digress. To get back on topic... like, I know that seeing success in these things takes persistence and luck. Trying to get people to look at your art is always a gamble, and brother, I fucking hate gambling. Uncertainty makes me incredibly stressed out, and I guess I'm just feeling... uncertain. And kind of demoralized. Really kind of wondering what I'm even doing here and if I should just be putting all this effort into a different hobby or at least the work I actually get paid for.

But I guess all I can do is keep going. That's the persistence part.

Maybe I'll go write that blog post about Ancient Greek music... Maybe that will make me feel better. ;o;

It won't, but wallowing won't help me, either, so. I'm gonna eat a bagel and write a blog post. Come at me, Delphic Hymns. lmao.

[quinnslogan]

Not people actually thinking Logan proposed 50 times, it was an exaggeration 😂😭😭 he probably just kept hinting at it, suggesting it, wanting to know when she’d be ready. I highly doubt he kept getting on one knee, doing the whole thing just for Quinn to keep saying no. That’s lowkey kinda toxic and sad lmao. He prob felt the timing was finally right, Quinn maybe hinting this as well and bam a real actual proposal happened. The way she’s so giddy about how he surprised her and about showing the ring and all to me sounds it was the first time it was the real deal. Idk I can be completely wrong but I like to think Logan has feelings too and getting rejected consistently not phasing him is strange haha.

Lol the way Zoey said it she was definitely joking. I’m sure she’s counting the dumb comments on Quinn’s posts like the one under her forbes 30 under 30 where he’s like “marry me” and just other times he’s joked marry me. I do think he probably seriously asked once or twice before maybe not in as extravagant of a way but she told him it wasn’t the right time!!

Also, I love Logan kinda my favorite character but he’s not super mature (personality wise at least) and I think Quinn was very much aware of that when considering if they as a couple are ready for marriage. Also, she was in her girlboss tech inventor era and according to Matt’s recent interview Logan was too as a production businessman (basically working for his dad’s company) or something idk I need to rewatch to hear what he said.

I will say though a lot of the writing for Logan in this movie was kinda dumb. Like the fact he didn’t think to talk to Quinn until Zoey mentioned it??? Like what😭😭 So it’s probably just a joke the writers threw in there also to exemplify the fact that Quinn isn’t some girl waiting around for her boyfriend of 15 years to ask her to marry him.

[cestacruz]

i've seen some FATE genderbend tierlists. and i've heard it explained as that S-tier and not genderbend are nearly interchangeable. BTW no neither okita nor Nagao are S-tier, they're usually B-tier, but ibaraki is usually in the S-tier. blah blah blah. personally my favorite genderbends are the 1s that could work, or're really nifty

I like most of them tbh, AND ALSO, there aren't as many as one would think

Like fate is "known" for this trope of making historical men into women but like, compared to the overall number of figures who kept their historical gender(?) , its not that many?

Putting a read more because i just start going into the ones i remember and sht, ALSO ITS MESSY AS HELL BECAUSE IM TYPING AS I REMEMBER and i make a lot of clarifications because i like to overexplain myself!

And ANOTHER clarifications are

1. This is all written from what i personally remember and interpreted from the source materials

2. Me saying this isn't stopping anyone from continuing to Headcanon something different

Some of them are like "yeah i was a woman all along who enjoyed the privileges of a man's life while still being a woman but ig people didnt like that so they recorded me in history as a man" (iirc francis drake is this one, so is yoshitsune)

The "i was a woman but i faked being a man my entire life to be allowed to be (a king or a samurai)" (okita** and arturia, one of those two had way more issues with that than the other. And its actually important to the way the lore was written and focused that Arturia was born female lmao because uther rejected her at birth because she was a girl and merlin was the one who convinced him "hey we can still put the dragon blood on her and just raise her as a man yknow" and then uther accepted but then died because his daughter was a daughter (that last part was a joke but theres so many men like that in modern time irl too so :/ the whole plot overall is very genderqueer still i wont deny it) (and then theres Okita who also kinda needed to do it but it feels like it was way less like, necessary for hee to do that, so its easy for people to hc okita as trans (i dont personally but that hc has some Great fics))

** I ALSO HAVE TO SAY THAT i dont remember if they actually ALSO retconned that and okita was just Trested as a man because of gender roles but never Actually bothered or cared to say "im a girl actually" even Now, she gets refered to as "okita-kun" or "okita-san" which are (kun specifically?) more masculine honorifics

Saito gets called with the "-chan" honorific sometimes, iirc

These two existing might confuse people on "wait if ushi was allowed to be a woman and do all the things why wasnt okita" and that's probably because misogyny strikes at any time in history yknow? Probably by ushi's time, they didn't care that much or because it was incredibly war time, they could Afford to care. Meanwhile, okita would have had a harder time because it was less violent times so roles were starting to set into more "men have the violent jobs and women stay inside"

Or "i was in fact a man but i always identified more as nonbinary or as a woman" (iirc nero?? At Least at the start of her lore it was like that. Idk if they retconned it to being similar as the first tho. And ofc trans icon leonardo da vinci)

Im not mentioning all of them because im too lazy rn (or am i... i mostly dont remember)

Jing Ke iirc was also interesting, but i CANNOT for the life of me remember what was her deal

And then there's Sugitani Zenjūbō who was a man but then (Kashin Koji???) Turned them into a woman literally just for fun ??

Actually will add im not sure if Kashin Koji and Sen no Rikyu are or not genderbends

Bringing it back to Arthuriana for this but its funny Gareth was Also a woman the whole time but she Had to fake it if she wanted ti be accepted as a knight UNTIL she participated in that joust and thats when she revealed "ACTUALLY im a GIRL I WAS FAKING THE WHOLE TIME" and King Arthur who is also faking to be a man starts sweating profusely but accepts her and declares her a knight still even tho she was a woman because at least she can do that. The king wasn't allowed to be a woman still, tho, unfortunately."

Jacques, who we know was a man, but the eldritch god transitioned her good for her she refuses to talk about it, tho

Oda Nobunaga, who either was 1. Always a woman and history recorded her as a man because she enjoyed the privileges of a man's life (which is also similar to Yoshitsune/Ushiwakamaru's case), or 2. Literally from a different parallel universe where she was always a woman and the worlds are so similar that she never realized

Musashi we know is from an alternate universe as well

Raikou is also verily implied to be a trans woman in some dialogues but in others is the "i had to be pretend to be a man to enjoy the things i wanted to enjoy" (which also just sounds trans but still, you know what i mean) (i love the hc of Raikou being trans and you will take it from me only when i am Dead, and even Then)

Frankenstein's Monster, who was just built as a woman iirc

Xu Fu literally just a woman now, no changes in the lore to try and explain or anything at all, incredibly gay woman at that too. Love that they make it explicit that she is in Love with Yu Mei Ren and yes it IS romantic. Im gonna go cry again btw

Pollux who funnily enough is just (probably accidental Or Probably not) implied to be trans because she and Castor are identical twins and we know identical twins cannot be different sexes (that OR Castor is the trans one)

Quetzalcoatl who is a genderless god (usually regarded as male) who chose a vessel that happened to be a woman and is living her best life

Kukulkan i Assume is the same case as Quetz

Kiichi Hougen is treated as a woman rn because their current body is female, BUT when they met yoshitsune, they were using a male form. They are agender, tho, btw, not a woman.

Some people might wonder why arent there any genderbends of Female historical figures Into Men in Fate and to that i will point to hundreds of years of history that bury female and queer accomplishments and history by pretending they were all men becsuse "no way a woman could do this"

JUST like Fate plays into with some of the genderbends (like i said, Francis Drake or Ushiwakamaru)

So if they did that it would just, be normal misogynistic history ? Good old "no way women are as competent as a man"

Anyway

Thats all

[thenextcelestialchapter]

TOTK!Ganondorf’s personal motives?

I feel like probably enough time has passed that I can dish about the juicier plot details, so here’s your warning if you need one! Don’t read further if you care about spoilers!

Okay so, it’s obvious what Ganondorf’s -ultimate- motive always is. Power, of course. That’s his deal, his greatest ambition, and he’s never needed any other reason to do what he does other than that. But well heck, it sure would be a lot better if he did! XP

So I keep thinking about that line Ganondorf throws at Rauru and Sonia that was basically all like “Oh you have a Hylian wife? How nice for you.” In this clearly mocking tone, like he’s some kinda racist against it, and yeah that would work for most other villains... But like that doesn’t make sense for Ganondorf for two big reasons. 

First of all, I just feel it’s a weak personal reason for a guy who ultimately wants power more than anything. It’s petty and quite frankly I feel like someone who cares about power would know that actually complaining about something like that if it in no way unbutters your bread just makes you look like a weaksauce bitch boy, and also it completely gave away any chance of him playing shit sneaky, not that it mattered when Rauru led his Trojan Horse inside anyways lmao... 

Second of all, it doesn’t make sense bc LITERALLY ALL GERUDO ARE DEPENDENT UPON INTERBREEDING WITH THE HYLIANS. THERE ISN’T A SINGLE GERUDO BORN THAT ISN’T HALF HYLIAN. WHY WOULD GANONDORF CARE PERSONALLY ABOUT THIS? XD;;

So yeah, I really feel like Ganondorf needed a much better personal motive, bc if power and domination are always his ultimate goal then why bring back Ganondorf at all when all we need is the mindless version of Ganon or some other evil dude for Demise to possess? Obviously the fanbase prefers Ganondorf when he has a good motive bc nobody can STFU about Windwaker!Ganondorf.

So here’s what I would have tweaked... I feel like it should have been made clear that the reason Ganondorf mocked their union was bc Ganondorf had formerly proposed to Queen Sonia and was rejected. It would make much more sense for Ganondorf to mock their union if it was clear that he was salty about not being the one who was chosen and felt that union was a weaker one than that which he proposed. It would have made his huge mocking smile when he Aerith’d the poor woman even more dastardly. 

And don’t get me wrong, Ganondorf would have been in no way in LOVE with Sonia. He’d want her for her stone and her kingdom, he’d want her because he is the King of the Gerudo and therefore he deserves a Queen. IDK, I just think adding a bit more of this personal touch would have made his evil actions and the motives for his hate even more impactful and interesting...

[astrolaurical]

Hey, I was the person who basically dumped the yearning story and a little bit of my thoughts on twin flame lol. Sorry for dumping all of that on you. I kinda just got excited cause I never read of someone talking about the yearning feeling like that and I was like oh shit that happened to me too then I went crazy with it lol. I’ve definitely stopped thinking about them a lot, but I think I’m more scared of that type of feeling to come up again so it’s almost like I put up a concrete wall spiritually so no one can access my energy besides my guides. Even for them, I think it’s hard because of how blocked off I’ve become. I was diving into spirituality hardcore when that happened and idk if I was that connected or something, but that scared me lol. I know I regressed a lot spiritually (not meditating, not using tarot cards, not contacting my guides, and etc. for a hot min). Slowly, I’m bringing myself back to that, but I’m afraid to at the same time because I don’t want to experience that again. I’ve been focusing on myself like I usually do and have done things that helped me grow as a person. Idk if you’ve ever felt like this about your twin, but sometimes I wish I never knew of them if I do have one? It makes me sad to say that, but the logical part of my brain is like too much emotion for you. I already deal with myself and I’m already a very emotional and intense person (thank you to all the Pisces in my chart and 1st house stellium). Of course I’ve learned to ground myself at certain points (major props to my Taurus moon), but it doesn’t make my emotional side any less intense. I wish I didn’t need to calm my emotional side, but I’ve never met anyone who felt ready to accept all sides of me. I’ve only dreamt of whoever that was once. I hope it stays that way, because if they know about me, they’ll know I’ll be okay with and without them. I’m used to being on my own a lot and I’ve come to realize that I’m okay with being alone as long as I have what I really love (I.e music, astrology, tarot cards, friends, and family (under certain circumstances lol). But if it does happen, obviously, I won’t reject it. If it’s meant for me, it’ll happen, but won’t be the end of the world if it doesn’t. Sorry for dumping again. I talk a lot 😅 especially for a stranger on the internet. You just have a good energy about you so it felt safe enough to open up a bit. Sorry again, these are just my thoughts as I think them. I would like to thank you for the advice and your open mindedness to talk about things like this. I really do appreciate it. I do wonder tho. I wonder if the person I dreamt about was, my twin or not, was a present or future them in the 4D. I’m just rambling at this point. Let me stop lmao. Have a wonderful day and thank you again for reading this if you do 💜

Your story is almost parallel to mine. I had a dream of me getting married to a no-face man when I was a KID and i never forgot it. Then a few years ago I actually had a dream where I saw him and we talked. Scared the shit out of me because I astral projected and was like fully cognizant and was aware I was communicating in my dream.

So obviously, this process take years. Ego death is not an overnight thing. Your brain will cling on to your ego for as long as possible since it’s a shield. That’s why so many twins don’t meet under they are seniors. That’s why I said live your life and don’t wait up for your twin or you’ll be causing yourself a lifetime of loneliness and celibacy. It seems like you’ve already been living your life so great!

[dumplingsjinson]

sooooo, i know i said i wasn't going to post anything personal, at least in regards to my dating life, on here but lo and behold! i'm a liar, but the person who found out about this account might never go onto my blog again (if you're here for some reason then hi? idk why you'd come back here but okay. i hope you're okay. and if you're not, i hope you will be okay. and also, this is NOT about the long distant guy that maybe one or two of you are familiar with). so, here goes: we broke off whatever it was that was going on. i don't like them back that way, and i don't see myself liking them back that way in the foreseeable future.

so we broke it off on good terms.

we're not going to talk anymore, and it definitely will take time getting used to since we did text back and forth everyday for the past two months, up until today. it will take time to get used to not seeing their name on my phone constantly, or waking up to their messages, but it'll eventually go back to how it used to be, when we never spoke before.

i admittedly do feel a little empty as of right now, which is a me issue entirely. maybe i'm dealing with the sadness of losing a connection i've made with someone? maybe i don't deserve to feel this sadness. i don't know. there was definitely a bit of a connection there, though ephemeral, even if it wasn't a romantic one. i think (i know) i'll be okay, and i really, really hope they'll be okay, too (because rejection doesn't feel good. it's never an easy pill to swallow, knowing you're not the one for that someone. it doesn't feel good to reject someone, either).

i think it'll be good for the both of us in the long run.

i'm still processing this whole thing, but i think it'll be okay soon. :) and i hope they find someone who will like them back, just as much, and if not, more, because they're someone who truly deserves that.

goodbyes aren't easy, and they hurt even when it comes to short-term bonds that were formed. that's all i can say.

(also that whole unmatch thing rant in which i've deleted by now is because i got my feelings hurt for like a day, and then i got over it really quick lmfao. i was talking to some other guy i matched with, and we vibed for a few days, and then he unmatched while we were setting up the date and that hurt translated into frustration and anger and a bruised ego, but i'm okay now, and to whoever said it was a bad break up or something - it wasn't lmao, i was just being a little wuss and had to vent. but i will die on the hill on how you're an asshole if you unmatch without any explanation, especially when you're in the middle of setting up a date. you're just bad at communication and it really, really shows. please work on that if that's what you do to other people, because it's never fun being on the receiving end of being basically ghosted.)

anyway, i'll try to post another prompt list tonight. these babies are pre-written, so my mood right now's not gonna affect them aha.

i will probably post more of my love life (read: online hoe life) again to the one person who bothers reading this shit, simply because nothing's stopping me, and i ALSO am NEVER going to be so dumb to accidentally give too many hints and reveal my tumblr like that to someone ever again lmfaooo. my mask stays ON, bitches!!

(and on an entirely different note that's not so fucking depressing and also very non-serious, i'm going on a date this sunday, and we're going to have oysters lmfao - i might end up calling him oyster dude - but i also don't have much expectations lmfao. they did ask me if we're still on for sunday just earlier today, and i said yes, but i'm prepped for getting unmatched outta no where because some of you men are Cowards. aNYWAY.)

this was a rollercoaster and a very undelightful mess, i'm tired, i have to wake up at 5:30 am tomorrow for work, two of my brackets came fucking loose so i have to go to the ortho on monday to get that fixed, and i lowkey wanna die because of that, goodBYEEE.

[bluiex]

Absolutely hilarious thought that just came to me as I’m falling asleep:

S6, Mumbo is in love with Grian + Scar is in love with Cub. They end up drinking together to cope with their woes, since both their crushes seem to be oblivious to both of their flirtations. They end up hooking up.

In the morning, they agree the sex was mind blowing and want to do it again. But then again, if anyone finds out, it’ll get around to Grian and Cub and then their romantic desires will reject them even more! Woe truly is upon them!

And then Scar proposes an idea, knowing how possessive Vex can get from firsthand exp. He proposes that the two of them date, to get the other two jealous! Mumbo knows how possessive avians get, so he agrees! Problem solved! They can keep hooking up, and also pursue their hearts! And definitely not fall in love w each other along the way!

Well, what the two spoons didn’t take into account is while the Vex and Avian are possessive, they’re also sooooo petty.

When Cub and Grian find out, Grian goes to Cub and proposes the pair of them date. Revenge date, because their respective business partners are fraternizing with the enemy. So they’re gonna fraternize with the enemy too! See how they like that!!

And boy oh boy they lay it on thick! They reveal it to the server, not by the normal word of mouth, but by Grian sitting in Cubs lap at the next server meeting and feeding each other fruit. Scar and Mumbo are the surprised pikachu face

While Scar n Mumbo start with sex and then devolve into scheme, Cub and Grian start as a scheme and then devolve into sex (they’re both known boundary pushers, of course they poked each other’s buttons). And both groups develop feelings for their fake partners along the way.

(Poor Iskall, rubbing his temples, watching his business partners and his enemies fraternizing. He deals with it, while it’s happening, because he is aware of what both parties are doing. Unlike them, he’s not oblivious! He draws the line when Mumbo and Grian want to bring their new boyfriends for a tour. That is patented Sahara redstone, the enemy is not allowed to see it, guys!)

Idk exactly how it all resolves, but I do know it’d look something like the Spider-Man pointing meme but with 4 spidermen instead of just the 2

— abridged anon

PS, at the end of it all, and through S7, it’s a gen love square but mutual. So Mumbo n Cub are both with scar n grian but not each other, and Scar and Grian are both with cub and mumbo but not each other.

PPS, this is directly the cause of the vibes in Third Life. They’re linked to their metamour, who are getting closer and closer to every day, more and more enchanting, more and more endearing. Privately, at the start, they both wonder what Mumbo n Cub see the other. Privately, by the end, they both know.

PPPS, after landing on Hermitcraft s8, the first thing Scar and Grian do is kiss. It’s the biggest regret they both had, not doing something when they had the chance. But now they’re home and they have all the time in the world, plus their boyfriends!

LMAO man- I love a whole messed up love triangle (but i guess square in this point)

[easily-distracted-ivashkov]

Thank You for taking the time to answer my ask. Yeah, I haven't been on the tag for a while but thanks to the show. I am back on it. Begin in Rose's head, she really didn't see Adrian other than a Royal Mori or give him a real honest chance. She was Dimitri obsessed. So it made way too many fans not like him. Me personally, I liked Adrian from the moment he came on in Frost Bite. And Shadow Kiss made me fall in love with his character. Adrian really was honestly a good guy and he spoke the truth. That Rose and Dimitri relationship was weird (thank God more of the Fandom has come around on calling it out). He may have partied, drank, and slept around. But you knew what he was from jump, if you were surprised by that idk what to tell you. And I think that is another reason that many of the fans didn't like him. He wasn't written to be without flaws, he was like a real life person. Had bad additions with mental health issues. Rose saying she was mad at him for drinking when his aunt did was just harsh.

Now as far as the show, I wasn't surprised once they announced who would play him. I knew what was going to be the reaction. Idk why fans haven't figured out yet, that unless they super and I mean super miscast a character. Give the actor a chance until you see their acting. The actor who is playing Adrian is doing a great job. He really captures the embodiment of him. So many forget that to get to Bloodlines Adrian, we have to get through VA Adrian. And again Rose didn't like him, so we may not see him in a good light. But the actor is doing great, we have had him in two episodes and already I want to see more of him. If anything I would be more worried about Julie Plec and her writing than the actor. Also I hope they put him in better clothes and style his hair better. Cause the actor in real life looks like a whole meal. But I think it's cause they are going to do a time jump.

AH HELLO AGAIN LOL

But yes again! Adrian is not a bad character at all. I can give many examples from the books as I read them constantly LMAO like I think the only thing that people really hate Adrian over is just the fact that he made a deal thing that Rose should give him a chance when she gets back from Russia. That's legit it. Like he may be a flirt but he respects boundaries. When Rose wanted to have sex with him after getting rejected by Dimitri, Adrian said no because he didn't have a condom and didn't want to risk Rose's career as a Guardian. He gave her anything she wanted or needed. He gave her chance after chance after she lied to him about being over Dimitri. He tried to walk away from the relationship I think two or three times in the books but he loved her. Adrian had never read as a bad character. He has flaws yes but he isn't some terrible character as a lot of people make him out to be and that's a hill I will die on 🤣🤣 I've roleplayed him for years so I've read the books MULTIPLE times to study his character. He has bad habits that help him cope but that doesn't make him bad. I just hate how disrespectful Rose can be towards someone she claims she cares about. I honestly don't even see them as friends because even the friendship came off very one-sided to me. If Rose doesn't need something, she doesn't need you is basically how she treated Adrian. He felt like nothing but a pest to her in the books.

Show Adrian has grown on me very quickly, yes! Took me a minute but that is definitely Adrian! I just really wish they'd mess up his hair. We need Adrian's messy locks.

P.s. I'm also really excited to see Daniella and Nathan. I'm an Ivashkov hoe 🤣

[lemony-snickers]

Hey jelly🐈 here again!

I like the idea of whumptober! That sounds fun to participate in. I enjoy doing kinktober but it's more the writing exercise for me than anything. I like to stick to kinks I enjoy and I mostly write y/n and reader content anyway so I don't get too involved in the ships. I'm curious about the horror themed content you had thought up. I'm huge into halloween and horror.

😘 you really are a sweet person. I look forward to when you reply to my asks. I'm a coward for not just messaging you but I guess I've always been an anxious mess. I'm scared of rejection a lot. I'm afraid if you knew who I was, you'd probably make fun of me. But that's not an attack on you, I'm just an anxious person and I think everyone is going to make fun of me.

Hope your day goes so well and that you find money on the ground! Cause finding money on the ground is such a good feeling ❤ you deserve nothing but the best

oh, my sweet little jelly, you do not have to defend your decision to remain anonymous to me. some of my mutuals could tell you i am in their inbox constantly, but never with my name attached.

idk why, i just like it better that way myself. <3

and i think *no one likes me* always, even the people who say they do. i recently had a fun mental health day where i left all my group chats and naruto servers on discord for this reason.

i am a Grade-A Certified Disaster Person, lmao.

can i tell you the last time i found money on the ground was a long time ago, but it was at a pop up market in a park near my house. and it was four hundred dollar bills!!!! (i know right, who the fuck carries that on themlajsdf;lasjdfsad anyway.)

i just sort of stood there for a long time holding this money and looking at my partner wondering what to do. because you can't just say, "did somebody drop $400?" because i'm pretty sure several people who did not drop it would say they did, you know?

we were in front of this stand selling antique camera stuff (i have a collection but it's all from my family, so i wasn't actually buying anything it was all waaaayyyy too expensive) and i just sort of stepped off to the side.

i told my partner to keep an eye out for anyone who looked like they had lost something and a few minutes later there was a man with his son who seemed so panicked. they were scanning the ground and turning around and you could just tell, you know?

so i walked over and asked if they were missing something and the dad said yes and then i asked him what he was missing and he said he'd dropped $400. so i gave it back to him and maaaannnn the relieved look on his face, he was so grateful and listen, i won't lie, i was disappointed i didn't get to keep that money because that's a big deal for me--and would have been even more so at the time--but it was a cool moment.

and then, while we were leaving the park a few minutes later, he ran up behind me and gave me $20 as a thank you! so i did sort of find money even though i didn't keep what i actually found, ahaha.

anyway. this probably reads as one of those "that didn't happen" stories you see on social media or whatever, but that's fine because it did happen and it's a nice memory so i thought i would share.

i dreamt last night that i went back to college (well sort of it was like a weird robot island but apparently that was college? idk dreams are weird, man) and i was studying makeup fx which was always a passion of mine i wish i had pursued more.

maybe it's a sign i really do need to get back to loving halloween somehow.

i hope you have a great day, my little jelly. i'm sorry i rambled so hard on this, i slept in and so i just woke up like an hour ago & i am fresh into my first cup of coffee, going about 9000 mph, lol.

take care, my dear. <3

[cookinguptales]

When I was younger... I think saying that Ratatatouille was a hyperfixation of mine is too strong, but I will say that it's a movie that came out at just the right time for me personally.

I was going through one of the toughest times in my life in that period, and I was just getting to the age where I could understand that the things happening to me were not right. I was coming to question the worldview that I'd been raised with, and I was starting to understand that many things in my life would be better qualified as abuse. That paired with some other things led to me feeling extremely jaded.

And... I think it would've been really easy for me to become irreparably cynical at that age. I was feeling so disillusioned with so much of my life that it was hard to believe in anything anymore. But then Ratatouille came out and I really resonated with the basic message that sometimes love requires courage, and that the simple act of creation (and finding joy from that creation) could be incredibly meaningful. That cynicism is both easy and enjoyable, but that finding joy, finding meaning, can only happen if you make the conscious decision to reject it.

idk. I think I just really, really needed to hear that at that age.

Since I was very young, I'd actually wanted to be a chef when I grew up. I think... by that age, I was realizing that it wasn't going to happen. I was just so, so sick, and I only got my first diagnosis less than a year after the movie came out. So at the time, I didn't know what was wrong with me, but I knew that I was simply too sick to cook -- and that cooking school, for the most part, was not very accessible if you have mobility disabilities.

But... I wanted to cook this one thing. Just this one thing. I remember it took me hours. Like literally hours -- just for the prep work. We were pretty poor back then and I wasn't going to ask my parents to get a specialty product for the kitchen just so I could cook one dish, so I ended up creating it without a mandoline. I cut all the vegetables by hand.

I was exhausted by the time I was done (and did have a moment of "you idiot, you hate both eggplant and bell peppers, why are you making this?") but there was a real sense of accomplishment there. And I did like it a lot more than traditional ratatouille.

(My issues with eggplant are textural, so cutting it thinly and stacking it with zucchini, one of my favorite foods, helped alleviate that for me. lmao)

I never made it again, though, and these days I cook very little. I'm still sick. I always will be. So... there's still a very specific pain that I feel when I watch that film and they say, "Anyone can cook."

But it's also something that I tell myself the few times that I do cook. When I jerry-rig an accessible cook station in my living room. When I discover ways to make things doable, if not easy. Anyone can cook. Maybe not always, maybe not anything, maybe not the way everyone else does it. Certainly not in a professional kitchen.

But... anyone can cook.

And... truthfully speaking, I had a real breakdown a couple years after this movie came out. I learned in the most brutal fashion possible that my body would not be like everyone else's, no matter how hard I pushed it, and during the forced medical leave that followed, I finally came to some very tough realizations about my life and the adults around me who had failed me. Even, y'know, the ones I loved.

I do think having that kernel of hope, though, and that stubborn refusal to entirely give into cynicism, did help me survive the period. I really tried to throw myself into anything that could give me the barest amount of joy back then rather than being entirely pulled under by the uh. Incredible amount of depression I was dealing with.

I'm not gonna say that Ratatouille saved my life; I think that would be a bit too much. But it certainly didn't hurt. I went through this period in my life where I really kept imprinting on unrepentantly hopeful, optimistic characters that truly believed in the best in people, even when it hurt them. And... I think there were some mirrors there in my own life. I so desperately wanted to believe that things could be good. That the people in my life would be good. And it very much did hurt me.

But... I think I needed all that, too. I don't believe that the world is all Disney optimism or anything, but I think that... y'know, what's the point of anything if you give into despair? Living and continuing to live and eking out joy wherever you find it is a very conscious decision, and one that you have to constantly make. You learn to mine through the shit to find just one thing that makes you remember that life can be very beautiful.

Some days that's a fandom. Some days that's a person. Some days that's confit byaldi. idk, man. Sometimes you have to cut through the calluses that life has given you and just experience something with childlike wonder and hope. That's the real message there, I think. That you have to have the courage to allow yourself to feel joy, even in the smallest ways, when things suck.

Love isn't always rewarded, but... you gotta keep letting yourself feel it, right? It really is all there is.

[ebdanon]

hope you're alright after work <3 and tw for bugs and another long ask lmao

to be honest, we don't have access to mental health resources, that kind of stuff is expensive here, and we already spent a bunch on trying to figure out what was physically wrong with both of us first, during which time my husband (he got ibs) was not working because it was physically impossible for him, and I (thyroid issues) stopped getting paid from the freelance work I do (I'm still owed about 10k which is enough for a down payment on an apartment in the most expensive part in my country) which put us in a ridiculously tight spot. we had to move out of our apartment and start living with my in-laws, which is where more crazy has just been tacked on. it's been a very shitty couple of years in terms of what other people have been doing that directly affects us, but we're trudging on anyway. we finally started applying for jobs abroad, which we couldn't really do until we moved because it was constantly dealing with doctors and with health issues, and scrambling together money for bills and rent and overall living, and then the building got infected with cockroaches which was the cherry on top when we both finally said "we're outta here" and moved out in like 2 days (we knew the consequences of doing that). the day we decided to do that, we were up until 5am - me shrieking at each new baby cockroach I saw, and my husband killing them (I'm terrified of bugs), because a cockroach laid some eggs in a door frame in the apartment. that same week our vacuum made a loud noise and smoke just started coming out of it and it broke, the stovetop also broke, a repairman came and tried to fix it a bunch of times so we had no stove for 4-5 days (which was awful because my husband has to eat carefully cooked meals, and the only thing we could use to cook was the oven, which is ridiculously limiting on an already limited diet), and two of the ceiling lights went out. and then I got a flare up (different health issue) on top of everything which meant I was in bed for a couple of days. it was the worst week of 2023.

we've been applying for the last 6 months, and it's been nothing but rejections because we require visas to move to the countries we're applying to (it's the literal explanation we've been receiving which is a great thing as it's not our skills or something), but it's fine, one of us will find a job at some point (I hope soon) and we'll get to get out of this shithole of a country filled with shitty people. I'm definitely getting a therapist when we're out of here though, I've wanted to talk to one for years but my plan has always been to do that when I leave this country. Mental health is very much taboo here sadly, which contributes to many of the issues people tend to face. Also fun fact, the last time we applied for jobs abroad was at the end of 2019, and then the pandemic happened which meant all the embassy shut down and the applications got canceled (it was a different application system back then). The plan was to get the marriage certificate and start applying again, but the drama happened and we needed to decompress. Then the plan was to start asap after the decompression and then all the health issues happened. Have you ever seen a train wreck lmao it's just me trying to get the hell out of this country since I was 12 BUT IT WILL HAPPEN ONE DAY I JUST KNOW IT WILL (can you feel the desperation lmao)

i know that may have sounded worrisome but don't worry about me and my lore-filled asks, things will work out, they always do

i really hope you guys are able to get the hell out soon :( the job market here in america (idk where ur applying but might be the same elsewhere anyway because the pandemic fucked everything up for everyone) is absolutely atrocious rn so i wish you the best of luck!! you’re right when you say things work out i know they will for you 🫶 it just takes time unfortunately :( but hopefully soon

also as a fellow renter im crying for you with that apartment stuff jeez. it always feels like everything happens at once tbh

[zombies-aliens]

Ah I'm probably just not ready for a girlfriend anyway. Maybe it's a sign? I'm bummed out but I guess I'll just wait for however long I guess. I'm sorry you guys im just bummed out man I can't even keep a smile. Tried to get my friend to be my valentine, I thought I was smooth about it, maybe it wasn't after all who the hell knows, but umm yeah being told "tempting" sucks man. I know if she wanted to say yes then it would have been a simple yes, but if it's a no then that's kinda hard bc ppl tend to feel bad for rejecting someone for plenty of reasons, and being told tempting.. well I'm going by what I just explained.. that's a no bruh. Lol. Sucks man. I was hoping to get a valentine last year from a special girl but I fucked up bad. This year I guess just wasn't meant to be neither.

Idk man. I just want a girlfriend. But everyone I deal with girls I just have my hopes be put down when they reject me. I'm just not good enough I guess man lmao. Man. Plenty of better dudes out there I already know it's not really hard and I'm not even being mopey it's just true. I'm basically just a good looking guy and that's all there is to me. Just my looks. Feels like a fucked up punishment lol. But oh well man. I'm just gonna guard my emotions more. It's the right move from here. Maybe I should just ignore girls? Like take a break for a while and work on myself. But that'll be hard. Everywhere I go there's girls, and eventually some are gonna be like "oh this guy is quiet and alone, hes unbothered, lemme ruin things for him :] !!"

I figure if I have to reject a girl I'll reject her with the truth that I'm just taking a break from girls so I can figure myself out. Give myself attention for once. I really don't wanna fall in love with anyone when everyone's playing a damn game. I don't wanna be some girls boy toy if I'm looking for a solid real relationship.