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sniigura-archive · 4 years

Text

why can't you see me (4)

chapter one

I deleted chapter 4&5 because I thought they were trash 😔

_______________

it all started with vocaloid covers. yes, you're also cringing right now. you were how old? 12? 13? it doesn't really matter, to make it short: a few years ago you posted a shitty cover, of an edgy song.

you went viral. thousands of likes and comments were made on your YouTube video, which was recorded with your laptop microphone.

not going to lie, you were shocked. holy fuck? people liked you? your content? that's new.

well, not really. your best friend at the time told you to upload it. he supported you! how nice of him.

one cover caused 2 to be made, then 3, then 4 and after 10 covers you posted your first original song. you didn't actually think that your fans would support it, but they did.

that all happend in the span of a year, or two.

you weren't so sure, you lost your feeling for time a while ago.

after that original song record labels wanted you (you were easy to take advantage of after all). problem was, or still is, you're a minor.

you can't sign anything, you don't have an accutal agent, or manager, you don't have shit. to be honest, you also aren't sure how you're doing it. well, it's easier now because of streaming platforms and your best friend likes to play manager.

it's less stressful at least, you publish whatever you want, when you want it. nobody controls your social media account.

you accutally make money, a lot of it. but to keep yourself humble you donate a huge part, and put the other one in a savings account.

you're so smart! so mature! an old soul! not like the others! a delight to have in class!

you're absolutely burned out.

companies constantly messaging you for you to promote this! newest product! so good! the best thing on the market! when it's trash, a way to get money.

but everything is like that, isn't it? you're also selling trash. making trash music and poetry. wow, you're so special. an artist! royalty, you drew all the album covers yourself? no wonder they look like that.

your age is a mystery, so is your face and real name. people were able to figure out your height by a simple picture of you besides a dresser.

they know you live in japan, you were forced to publish that as you got nearly cancelled for wearing a kimono. life is great!

constant comments and messages of "you changed" were flooding you. of course you changed? bro? you were only 13?

it's called character development.

your fame is basically a secret, besides your best friend and school nobody knows.

you didn't bother telling your father because he didn't want to listen, pretty sad. you tried, you really did but he was busy, as always.

now it's too awkward to tell him.

"hey, papa, by the way im like a prodigy in the music business and i have more instagram followers then you."

yeah, as if (even tho you have to check if you accutally finally got more followers then him).

the older you get, the more followers you get, the less you post.

you're arrogant, they scream.

you're so so tired. constant spotlight. constant critism and people who think you're god. it's so much.

sometimes you're thinking about deleting it all, but you like the attention.

but if you see one more newspaper saying you died or that you're accutally a villain, on god you're going to go crazy.

"Top 10 face claims for faceless celebrities!"

murder on your mind.

______________

toshinori is embarrassed. as he's sitting with his co workers, he feels just straight up bad that he accutally has to think hard about his kid hobby.

"well.. they like cats? and.. ah! they play the guitar."

"acoustic or electric?"

"...there is more then one guitar type?"

his three coworker sighed. well, earserhead would, if he wasn't asleep.

midnight looked at the clock and quickly stood up, "well, i have to go! the kids don't teach themselves."

the two others also quickly realised the time, toshinori stood up, while present mic woke earserhead up.

god, he has to think of a bonding activity. concerts? no, it wouldn't work out for different reasons.

what did you talk about last time he saw you?

when was the last time he saw you?

shacking his head, he quickly remembered an email from your school.

your school was hosting an internship! that's the solution! you work here for a few weeks, he works here! perfect! what could go wrong?

__________

"no."

"why not?"

"because i said no?" with that you turned back to your computer.

"well, i think it would be a great learning experience!"

"and i think it would be very useless for me. i'm not interested in hero's. besides that, i already got a place at a company which I'm accutally interested in." you don't.

"it's not about hero's, it's about teaching."

"I hate children."

"you are also a child?"

"yes, and have you ever seen me get along with somebody my age?"

silence. he feels defeated. maybe he needs to put his foot down?

"you're going to work at UA during your internship, this is finally." thinking about it, he wasn't even sure if UA does internships.

"no, nice try though! appricate the effort. now get out, it's not halloween yet so i don't need any skeletons in my room."

toshinori has to take a deep breath to remind himself that you're just a kid. he can fight you physically once you're 18.

using your full name to get your attention, he used his last card, "please do the internship with me. see it as an bonding experience."

"..okay whatever, but if it sucks i can get another cat."

toshinori felt like a winner, but he needs to ask nezu first. the internship is still a few months away, who knows what will happen during these months.

#all might imagine #toshinori imagine #bnha imagine #mha angst #mha imagines #bnha x reader #mha x reader #toshinori yagi imagine

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garbagequeer · 4 years

Note

Do you have any favourite destiel fanfictions?

i gotta be honest here and make it clear that my attention span has been shot to shit lately so much of what ive read these days ive basically skimmed and jumped aroud different parts and stuff AND im a sucker for domesticity also i havent gone back to check out whatever i have bookmarked from 500 years ago so. that said i really liked:

some thoughts you have while falling (1500 words) literally what it says on the tin. cas centric as in this is just cas’s thoughts but like is it not about a gay little angel falling and thinking about how it is brave to have a human life to age to remember and to go to the grocery store

to change the things we can (2k) 15x18 fix it. what if... you made a deal w the empty and i didnt let it take you... and i did this through the world’s weirdest hug. haha jk..unless

conversations with the living (3500 words) 15x18 fix it dean and sam talk about The Childhood Trauma of it all and dean accepts love

a love of all things that grow (5k) cas starts a garden and dean builds him shit and cas is like. well he must not like me very much like. girl he MADE you a little bench just big enough for 2 hello?? i love it when it’s busy at the secret underground bunker and the gay angel gets insecure

occursus (5k) dean and cas discuss the handprint and i am so endeared by cas here cause thats just dean girl shit

a real chore (5k) human cas dean has to like. learn not to be overbearing and let people help him out and handle their own lives. may we all project

bron-yr-aur (5k) missing scenes for that time dean and jack went fishing. not dean/cas centric but literally they are coparenting a little guy and it’s the sweetest shit imo

a river leads you home (10k) dean comes back home after the shit w michael w cas’s handprint from 2008 back on his shoulder and his scar from michael on the other. please look away from my personal feelings about dean’s possession arc

cuckoo and nest (10k) established relationship. dean is particular about his space. cas takes it to mean he’s not welcome to stay and dean is afraid he’ll leave cause that’s just what they do theyre just so dumb

under the same sun (14k) finale heaven fix it but dean and charlie get to hang out and talk about cas so dean can begin to get his head out of his ass. cas and dean do household chores in literal actual heaven like. for the hell of it

the family business (15k) sometimes we must indulge in post finale fix it fics where dean kills his father

crazy diamonds (25k) 2008 dean and 2018 who is in a relationship w cas swap places. wish 2008 cas (who is not taking it well at all obviously) was in this more but otherwise a good time

on drowning (29k) human cas has a near death experience yay

where the weeds take root (30k) THEY ARE LIVING TOGETHER IN SOME FARMHOUSE??? CAS WANTS TO RAISE CHICKENS LIKE. THATS WHAT I THOUGHT YOUD SAY YOU GAY FUCKING ANGEL...

and this your living kiss (57k) i usually hate aus but this is THE au. basically dean used to be a published poet under a pseudonym and cas is a lit professor whose poetry class dean decides to attend (no weird teacher/student dynamics it’s all very normal). draws parallels to dean and cas’s arcs in canon in a great way through teaching and writing tbh and dean’s complicated relationship with his dead piece of shit dad is depicted really well too

im probably forgetting some but well. look at me posting destiel fic recs in 2020 who would’ve thought? not me!

#destiel #supernatural #i have links to other ppl's recs too if u want some more #charlie kelly voice: i got BOXES full of destiel #answered #Anonymous

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certifiedskywalker · 5 years

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Dating Vanya Hargreeves Would Include....

As a fan of Ellen Page, this is totally, 100%, me indulging myself an absolute joy to present to you all. I hope I did our Vanya justice!

Vanya was not without inspiration or fuel when it came to writing.

A plethora of sibling quips, fatherly scoldings, and years of familial trauma did come with their own twisted perks in that respect.

However, Vanya finds herself attending writing classes and really anything that plays a role in the literary world.

She goes to political rallies and marches (Women’s marches specifically, this girl know where she stands) to hear passion fueled speeches

She ventures out to an innumerable amount of bookstores to listen to readings and to peruse the shelves.

One fateful evening, Vanya finds herself in a cafe that’s hosting a poetry slam.

She orders herself a tea and quickly finds a comfy looking, secluded seat a good distance from the stage.

Soon, Vanya is immersed in raw emotion and humorous anecdotes disguised in extended metaphors and varying rhyme schemes.

Most of the poets have gone up already and the setting sun has given way into night.

Despite the creeping tendrils of sleep that pull at Vanya’s eyelids, she lingers.

That’s when you take the stage.

It’s clear that either it’s your first time reading your poetry

Whether you only ascend to stand under the lights on a dare or sudden burst of courage.

Your hands curl into fists as you introduce yourself and Vanya can hear the nerves in your voice.

She pities you at first, for she knows the universal friend that was Anxiety. She was intimate with that prickling sense of fear that accompanied it.

But the moment you begin to recite your work, read the words you poured your heart into, everything melts away.

Vanya becomes totally and wholly entranced by you.

When you’ve finished and descend the steps of the stage, Vanya shoots up from her seat.

Even with her tiny frame, she manages to push her way through the crowd to where you stand, grabbing your things.

Suddenly she is rendered speechless.

Vanya has never done this before, gone up to someone with prospects of something more in mind.

She’s just about to turn around and flee

When you turn around you are met with the prettiest girl you ever had the blessing to lay your eyes upon.

“Um, hi,” she says, waving at you with sweater-pawed hands. “You were really good up there. Your poem was lovely.”

You blush and smile at her. “Thank you. I’m glad you liked it. I’m Y/N L/N.”

“Yeah, I know. You said that on stage.”

You laugh nervously, smiling at the oddly warm yet awkward situation you had found yourself in.

“Oh, sorry, I’m Vanya.”

She extends her hand to you and you shake it.

“Nice to meet you, Vanya. Do you write?”

Her brown eyes are glued on you and you wonder if you’ve ever dedicated a poem to someone’s eyes alone.

You might just have to.

“I do,” she replies, “but uh, not poetry.”

You nod and Vanya feels herself slipping.

Whatever bravery your poetry had stirred up inside her was fading.

She needed to hold on to it for just a little bit longer.

“I actually am working on a book,” Vanya spills and you smile at her.

“Wow, that’s awesome. I would love to hear more about it,” you press.

You’re setting her up to ask you out, shamelessly.

Vanya smiles when she realizes this.

You smile too.

“Would you like to go out sometime? We can exchange sad literature then.”

You laugh and agree before giving Vanya your number.

She gives you hers and asks if you know a place you two can met.

“Actually, this cafe has a really good breakfast-brunch menu if you’re into that sort of stuff.”

“That sounds perfect,” Vanya breaths, still amazed that you agreed to go on a date.

You both settle on a time and Vanya bids you a goodbye.

She watches you slip out into the night as quickly as you left the stage.

The next day, when Vanya stumbles out of her bed and stares into her closet blankly.

She’s spent so much time in there (She’s AT LEAST bi/pansexual, you can pry this from my cold dead hands) but she suddenly is without any idea for what to wear on this first date with you.

Soon she settles on a sweater, jeans, and a rather sloppy ponytail.

She tries to fix her hair a few times, studying her appearance in her mirror until she’s content with it.

Vanya is never one to fuss with the way she looks, settling for her own comfort rather than appealing to others.

But something about you makes her want to try a little harder, put more effort in.

She likes the new feeling.

When she arrives back at the cafe, Vanya picks a spot closer to the door.

Everytime the little bells rings, notifying workers and patrons alike to a new arrival, Vanya’s eyes jerk up to see if it’s you walking inside.

After the first few people, Vanya resigns to nervously picking at her nails.

The calming atmosphere and dark blue walls of the establishment does nothing to soothe her, not even the rich aroma of fresh coffee leaves her slightly shaking.

She has never been on a date like this before.

Vanya is suddenly not even certain if she’s ever been on a real date before.

However she had been nervous like this before, so Vanya quickly implemented the calming techniques used in her therapy sessions.

But then she started to think about therapy….

...and about her mental state….

…..her family, her crazy, superpowered family…..

….she would have so much to tell you….

The prospect of telling you, even if it was later in the future, made Vanya want to cry.

Then the bell above the door rings

And she looks up to see you, already smiling at her.

The fear melts away the instant your eyes met and Vanya, for the first time in her life, feels extraordinary.

All because of your smile.

The two of you order some morning drinks and Vanya picks out a bagel for herself.

“I hear the blueberry one is delicious,” you whisper in her ear as she studies the patisserie.

“You’ve heard or you know first hand?” Vanya asks, her voice light and teasing with her newfound confidence.

“I can easily say I’ve tried each bagel here once,” you admit, heat rising to your cheeks.

Vanya only smiles at you and place her order for a blueberry bagel.

When you sit down she asks how you managed to work your way through the extensive bagel selection.

“I come here a lot. Whether it’s to write or to just get away.”

“I can relate to the getting away bit,” Vanya reveals, “my family rarely gave allowance for any free time.”

Vanya bites her tongue, unable to fathom why she had already hinted at her family’s less than average lifestyle.

With burning cheeks, Vanya lifts her gaze to yours and feels at ease once more.

There was something about you that assuage any fear.

Vanya wondered if it was because you had been so raw and vulnerable with the poem you shared the night prior.

Maybe you could understand her and her own vulnerability. At least, that’s what Vanya hoped in silence.

“Strict parents?”

It’s an innocent question, pulling her from her winding thoughts, but Vanya frowns anyway.

“You could say that, yeah.”

It’s clear to you that you nearly overstepped and quickly you redirect the conversation to writing.

“So you’re working on a book?”

“Y-Yeah, it’s an autobiography.”

“Really?” You ask, somewhat shocked.

“Turns out all that lack of free time gives you a lot of interactions to write about.”

“I guess there is a silver lining,” you sigh, but reach over the table to give her hand a slight squeeze. “I hope your book will help you make peace with your family.”

Vanya nodded, but her smile was bittersweet.

Although, Vanya couldn’t deny how your words felt like a step in the right direction.

“Peace for the Hargreeves is like equal rights for women,” she scoffs, “almost there but forever out of reach.”

You almost laugh, but the name of the family catches your attention.

Then you realize Vanya never gave you her last name.

“The Hargreeves? Like the super kids?”

Vanya’s face falls in that moment as she nods.

“Yeah, I’m the seventh kid. The ordinary one no one talks to or about.”

You squeeze her hand again and Vanya lifts her brown eyes to meet your intense gaze.

“Well I’m talking to you and I want to know all about you.”

You can read the disbelief on her face and your heart aches when you notice her glassy eyes.

Vanya is a sensitive soul, by no fault of her own, and never before had someone told her something so sweet.

So she tells you about herself as your kindness coaxed her honesty.

She tells you about how, most of the time, she fears she won’t amount to much.

You tell her that there are times you feel that way too.

The two of you end up talking for hours.

Morning turns to midday and Vanya checks her watch.

“Oh, I gotta go. I have to meet with my publisher.”

“Okay,” you say, wriggling out of your seat. “Talking deadlines?”

“Yeah,” Vanya grumbles, “because writing isn’t stressful enough, ya know?”

“Oh, I know,” you banter, “but maybe another date can help alleviate that stress?”

Vanya turns to meet your gaze as you walk out of the cafe behind her.

There’s a bright smile on her pink lips and crinkles at the sides of her eyes.

“Yeah, I think it would.”

You set up another date, but for a fancier restaurant in the city.

“From what I’ve heard,” Vanya says, mimicking the way you recommended the blueberry bagel, “it’s amazing.”

You grin because Vanya is really coming out of her shell.

“I’ll just have to take your word for it,” you bite back.

Vanya beams and, unable to hold back, you grab her hand again, giving it a soft squeeze.

“Good luck in your meeting,” you say before pulling her into a hug.

It’s awkward at first, because Vanya isn’t used to such blatant affection.

But soon enough, she melts into your warmth and wraps her arms around your waist.

When you part, you hold her gaze and see a strong sparkle within her eyes.

It is then you realize, and Vanya too, that this was going to go somewhere.

Sadly, when you met up with Vanya outside the restaurant for your next date, it was dark inside.

“What happened?”

“Apparently it wasn’t as amazing as I thought it was,” Vanya sighed.

She was frowning and you could feel the disappointment emanating off of her body.

Her shoulders slouched, making her already diminutive form even smaller.

On an impulse you grab her hand and trace your thumb over her skin in a touching manner.

“Hey, it’s okay. We can find another place.” Vanya nearly melts. All she needs is you, your voice, telling her that it will be okay.

“Yeah, you’re righ-”

A roll of rumbling thunder sounded, cutting Vanya off.

“Great,” she mumbles as the first few droplets of rain began to splatter against the pavement.

You quickly scan the street, looking at any signs for an open diner.

Vanya’s hand doesn’t leave yours as you lead her down the street to further your search.

“What about there?” You ask, pointing to a crumby looking place with an ‘open’ sign blinking.

“Better than the rain,” Vanya said and led you across the street.

The two of you smoosh together under the cramped fabric awning above the diner’s entrance and access the damage done by the rain.

“My hair is a mess,” you fuss, using your hands to gauge just how ‘a mess’ it was.

Vanya only smiles and helps your fix it.

Her hands tremble at the sensation of your soft hair as she rearranges the strands.

It wasn’t the traditionally sense of intimacy, but it was enough to make Vanya weak.

“Thank you,” you said when Vanya pulled her hand back. You met her brown eyes and saw the slight trepidation in them. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Vanya says softly, “this is all just so new.”

Instead of speaking, taking the risk of saying something to set her on edge, you intertwine your fingers with hers and lead her inside the diner.

The lighting is yellow, making the already grey skies outside look all the more sickly through the somewhat grimy windows of the restaurant.

It wasn’t ideal, but for Vanya, anywhere with you was better than alone somewhere else.

“So, Vanya Hargreeves,” you begin, resting your head on your hands as you lean over the table, tantalizing close to the woman across from you.

“So, Y/N L/N,” Vanya mirrors your positioning and her blush becomes more apparent to you.

“Tell me everything.”

Vanya tells you about her day and you tell her about yours, both of your lamenting about the monotony of it all.

You share a new concept for a new poem and Vanya listens like a small child being told a fairytale.

She loves how passionate you become when talking about writing and she hopes that she can do literary justice for you when she writes her book.

You’re both mid conversation when your respective orders of overtly greasy diner food arrives to the table.

The overweight waiter, donning a white paper that tells you both to enjoy your meals in a tone that would read more accurately from a mob boss.

“I think even the salads here are probably just as greasy,” you joke when you see how Vanya eyes the burger she ordered.

She lets out a laugh, something she hasn’t had the pleasure to do in a long time.

The sound is music to your ears, setting a new rhythm for a new poem.

Most of the proceeding dates follow the same flow.

You meet Vanya at a new eating establishment like the new hipster cafe on fourth or the taco joint that opened near the park.

There you learned Vanya isn’t the best with spicy food, for even the mild salsa hurt her tongue.

“Don’t laugh at me! I feel like I’m on fire!”

“I’m not laughing! You just look cute with your cheeks all red!”

After about five dates, Vanya took a step she didn’t ever think she would have to take.

You were walking her home after checking out a new ice cream parlor, with fancy vegan recipes to boot, and Vanya turned to you.

“Hey this is my place,” she said, stopping in front of one of New York’s looming apartment complexes.

“Oh, okay,” you say, your voice heavy with a tinge of sadness. Vanya detects it, feels that same sadness too.

She doesn’t want the night to end.

“You can come up,” she says too quickly, “if you, uh if you want.” You smile when she tries to correct the speed of her voice in the hopes of not sounding too eager.

Vanya smiles too.

She does that a lot around you.

It’s a nice change from her normal frown.

“I would love to.”

Vanya leads you up the stairs that creak with each step and to the door of her apartment.

“It might be a bit of a mess so,” Vanya sighs, “sorry in advance.”

“It’s alright, you should see….”

As you’re speaking, Vanya opens the door to reveal a perfectly pristine, and quite cute, little apartment.

“Vanya, are you kidding me. This place is spotless,” you wonder aloud, standing in the middle of the apartment, arms spread to take it all in.

Vanya has never been more pleased by a sight.

“I haven’t really been home to clean,” Vanya admits, rubbing at the back of her neck. “Meetings, the orchestra, and...well...you.”

“Me? Keeping you from cleaning? How dare I,” you tease, reaching for Vanya.

She walks over to you and grabs your hands in hers.

The touch would have taken years to warm up to had it been anybody else

But with you, Vanya has never felt more safe or understood.

“Do you have any old movies?” You ask with a sly smile and Vanya nods.

“I’ll show you the collection and then I’ll get the popcorn.”

“Perfect.”

And the evening in is perfect indeed.

The two of you curl up on Vanya’s comfy couch, pecking at popcorn and watching horribly old films on a projector.

“You know, I haven’t used the projector in a long time,” Vanya muses quietly.

“Well, we’ll just have to correct that, won’t we?”

And you do.

Every Friday you and Vanya meet at her place to snack and watch movies.

It’s on one of these Friday’s when, after a long work week, you fall asleep on Vanya’s shoulder.

Your hair tickles the exposed skin of her neck and Vanya can not fight the urge any longer.

She leans in and presses the softest of kisses to your forehead.

“Goodnight, darling,” she whispers and lets herself fall asleep beside you.

When you wake up in the morning, Vanya is clinging to you and her chest is pressed against your own.

You smile, realizing that you could definitely get used to waking up like this.

Vanya can too, when she lifts her head to meet your eyes as your fingers comb through her long hair.

It’s the first time you see her with her down.

“You’re beautiful,” you both say at the same time.

A laughing fit ensues for the two of you, both still dopey from sleep.

“But really,” you press, lifting a hand to trail your knuckles lightly against the skin of her cheek.

“Thank you,” Vanya whispers, “you are too.”

You don’t kiss then.

You wish that you had.

Vanya wishes that you had too.

But you didn’t.

When you do though, it’s perfect.

At that point, you and Vanya have been together for close to a month.

You haven’t pushed the point of kissing, as you knew Vanya was stressed with everything with her book and music.

On one of those Friday evenings, Vanya calls you up to her apartment.

When you walk inside, you don’t see her anywhere.

You crept into her bedroom and find her, books scattered around her as she sits on the floor with tears in her eyes.

“Vanya, what’s wrong?”

When you get closer, you realize the book are old journals and littered in Vanya’s small handwriting.

“I was going through material,” she whimpers, “for the book...and...it’s so sad Y/N. I’m so sad.”

As soon as the last syllable leaves her lips, you’re sitting at her side, holding her as close as you can.

“Shh, hey, you got to be sad sometimes,” you whisper, “it’s life. But now you can be happy, put this behind you because it’s the past. Vanya, you will be okay.”

Every few minutes to repeat that.

“You will be okay, Vanya.”

You will be okay, you will be amazing. You already are.”

After a while, she stops crying and you wonder if she’s fallen asleep for her breathing is so even.

But then she lifts her head from your shoulder and looks into your eyes.

“You make me okay,” she whispered, “no one has ever done that before.”

You wipe at the lingering tears on her skin and offer her a half smile.

“Well, I’m honored,” you say, coaxing a faint chuckle from Vanya.

Her eyes hold yours, the gaze between you growing electric until, finally letting herself feel everything you have to offer her, Vanya leans in.

The kiss isn’t the best technically, at some points your teeth knocked but it didn’t deter either of you.

You could taste the salt of her tears on her lips and, as if to remove them from her flesh, you deepen the kiss.

You pulled her close, hands cupping her jaw as Vanya’s hands trailed loving paths against the skin of your arms.

When the two of you part, you’re breathless.

“I feel like that was more than okay,” you tease through shallow breaths.

Vanya nods, leaning in to peck your lips once more. “More than okay.”

The kissing gets better as the relationship continues to grow.

More dates and WAY more practice.

You write poems about Vanya, some of which you share with but some are just too poignant you hold them for yourself.

You help her proofread portions of her book.

Vanya dedicates the epilogue of her book to you, detailing how you changed how she perceives herself for the better.

The Friday movie nights continue on, although not many movies are watched to full completion.

Wandering hands and needy touches often divert attention away from the film shown on the projector.

When Vanya’s book is published, it’s you that suggests she send a copy to her father.

“It might help give you closure.”

You support her in improving her mental health through therapy and her pills.

When she goes to a local bookstore for her first live reading, you sneak a copy of the book and read it for yourself.

You go to Vanya with tears in your eyes, wishing she had told you about everything earlier.

She agrees and tells you the details she cut from the book.

There’s a lot of healthy crying and kissing and wishing you had met sooner.

“You know I love you, right?” You ask, eyes meeting hers through misty tears. “I love you, Vanya.”

“I love you too, Y/N.”

When you sleep over at her place, you ALWAYS cuddle and somehow, Vanya ALWAYS ends up on top of you.

“You’re like a tiny heater.”

Teasing and puns because, when she’s happy, Vanya’s sense of humor is impeccable.

Late night evenings where Vanya plays the violin for you and you both sip at wine.

“You’re so good, too good,” you say dreamily, smiling up at Vanya.

Cooking together and trying new recipes when you’re saving money to travel.

“I think we should go to England...”

“But Germany! Pretzels! Beer!”

“Wow, you need to watch the travel channel or something.”

You write her a love poem for your first year anniversary.

You read it to her over a meal of your shared favorite take out place.

Vanya cries

You cry

Vanya got you tickets to your favorite band.

“I thought it would be a fun date. I know how much you love them.”

“Do you know how much I love you?!”

Your relationship isn’t without it’s bumps.

Sometimes Vanya just wants to be alone and you sometimes have trouble reading that.

She might snap at you now and again, but it’s mostly because she’s scared.

She’s scared that one day everything about her, surrounding her, her past, will be too much for you.

Sometimes you get moody due to writers block or stress.

You always talk about it, in either conflict.

You always come back together in the end.

There’s a basis of mutual communication and compromise that all of Vanya’s relationships (especially with her family) lacked.

‘You’re it for me’ you write on a slip of paper one day.

“A new poem?” Vanya asks, taking a sip of her coffee.

You’re in the cafe where you met for your usual breakfast date.

“Sort of,” you say with smile.

You don’t tell her about what you wrote or how the title at the top of the page was ‘wedding vows’.

You don’t tell her yet,

But that day will come.

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fallingin-like · 5 years

Text

an aftg fanfic appreciation post

the other day at work i saw something about fanfiction writer appreciation day and told myself “ah i will make a post when i get home” and immediately Did Not Do That. so i’m doing it now! first, thank you to everyone who writes fanfiction! it’s such an honour to be able to read your writing and i am so grateful to the writers who spend so much time and effort into creating these stories. i do not deserve such amazing content and yet i have it. also thanks to nora for this wonderful series which has changed my life in so many ways.

these are in no particular order. i really tried to tone down my ‘i love you so much and really want to be friends with you’ vibe but i don’t think it worked. this is a super long post and i still didn’t get to say everything i wanted to.

some fics/series that need more love (aka they have under 350 kudos)

to the south by Morcai - this is a series (never to be caught and secret, safe, close to the door) that was really cool to read. it has elements of the Iskryne Series which i don’t know anything about, but apparently has to do with bondwolves. basically, neil has a wolfbrother who he can speak to telepathically which is written in a really unique way, through interesting phrases and scent-based nicknames for people. i’ve never read anything like these fics and i adore them

all that we see or seem by rorschachs - an inception au. need i say more? this fic flows well, has good use of flashbacks, and an amazing ending. it’s ~23,000 words but feels like much less due to nice pacing and an interesting take on this au

Travelers by @sunrise-and-death - a series (Placeless Destination and Moving Towards) that’s a soulmate au. soulmates can interact through a pyschic bond that allows it to seem like the other person is there with them. neil and andrew meet when they are young and it’s so interesting seeing them get to know each other at this age. we also get to see some neil/mary angst and all of the terrible things happen to andrew. an intense series that manages to feel light-hearted at the same time. the second fic in this series is incomplete

atlas by @purearcticfire / @pipedream-truths - a magic au that features shapeshifters and a cursed neil, so immediately you know i’ll like it. this fic has some cool uses of italics, caps, spacing, etc. that creates a stylized story that helps build tone and gives the story a clearer voice. unfortunately, i can’t tell too much detail about my favourite parts because it they are *ultra spoilers* so i’ll just say, it gets so intense at the end. just trust me about this. ao3 says it’s incomplete (4/5 chapters) but it seems complete to me. also, at ~72,000 words, it’s a pretty hefty fic

Golden Keys and Gray Lines by @wouldyoulightmycandle - just a feel-good post-canon fic that involves a road trip, an ice cream museum, and a bit of Working Through Rough Times. super cute! this fic is incomplete

some authors i just really love and appreciate (you probably already know them and if you don’t then idk what you’re doing)

all of these writers have serious talent that make it look easy to write fanfiction. it’s not easy. you guys have all of my love. all of it.

@nakasomethingkun / ephemeralsky - basically i just see their name and automatically click the fic without bothering to fully read the tags or summary. they have never let me down and i adore the way they write. everything they write is an easy read and i always come back to their fics. i was going to mention my favourites and then i realized i was going to list everything they’ve written for aftg and i’m not even kidding. funny, angst, fluff, everything you could want in a fic they have it. so so good i actually don’t know how to describe it. their fics break my heart and then put it back together a little bit different so that even after i am finished reading and continue with the rest of my life, i feel different. they make me hurt in a way i didn’t know that i could like. this quality of fic has me scrolling back to the top to reread it the second i finish. what in the world they’re so good.

@annawrites / moonix - 50 aftg fics. that’s actually crazy. and all of them are so high quality and there is such a variety. flower shop/tattoo parlor au? one of my favourite series ever. high school au? of course it includes 4 fully complete fics. shapeshifter au? amazingly done. scott pilgrim vs the world au? so good that i went out and watched the movie for the first time (i am not even joking). i was looking through all the fics and just started rereading them, i just can’t help myself. they describe everything in a way that makes their stories unique, but doesn’t seem like they’re trying too hard. or at all. their fics flow so well and every sentence is a gem. i read and reread so carefully to make sure i don’t miss a thing, but always find myself catching new jokes and quirks.

@lolainslackss / lolainslackss - i really don’t know where to start. once again, i just really love all of their fics. i started scrolling through their works too see if i had a favourite and could not even choose a top 5. their writing is so beautiful i can’t get enough. they always choose the best things to include. selective mutism and sign language? that’s a sure way into my heart. the suit shop au is adorable and pining andrew really is best andrew. i found exycast surprisingly late in my fanfiction reading and that is a real tragedy because it’s amazing and really cute. the soulmate timer fic is an old favourite and if i’m looking for angst, i know i can pull it up.

@gluupor / gluupor - an absolute legend. with 54 fics for aftg, it’s amazing that all of them are outrageously funny, entertaining, and just really well written. a lot of them are fics adapted as an au for other fandoms (like their super popular brooklyn 99 au that i absolutely adore) and they are all hilarious. it’s so fun to search for familiar quotes or realize how similar characters from different fandoms are to the foxes and the quirks they share. these are fics that will definitely cheer you up. i love their sense of humour, it fits the characters so well and helps to shape the world they’re writing in. it’s always exciting to see them publish a new fic.

@idnis / idnis - they have a really unique writing style, i’ve never seen anything like it in this fandom. every story has so much care and love in it that’s evident through the small details that you only pick up through rereading. their stories are stylized with spaces and formatting that help guide the reader and adds to the tone of their stories. i fell so in love with their cat!neil. they write such interesting stories, have original plots, and their fics read like poetry. before you know it, you’ve finished the fic without realising you should have gone to bed an hour ago. they also have some amazing original work that everyone should go check out!

@badacts / badacts - so recently a lot of their fics were made visible to ao3 users only (a shame in my opinion) so if you haven’t read their fics, go make an account! or log into your account! you really don’t want to miss these fics. they have a kid fic where both andrew and neil are baby versions of themselves so it’s obviously one of the best things ever. they who made you/they made me too is so good even the title is enough to make me feel. there’s introspection and realization and it’s from aaron’s perspective. i love seeing the twinyards bond. and, of course we have to mention the terra firma series because i love injured!neil and this one hits me in a different way. i love the way the abrupt transition into injury for neil and being able to experience the confusion and not knowing what’s happening with him.

iaquilam - they have posted 2 fics for aftg and they are some of my favourites in this fandom. this has amazing characterization, neil and andrew and everyone feel so real and so true and i love them. a mouthy, raven neil is one of the best types of neil. they write from andrew’s perspective and i cannot believe have well they capture him and his thoughts. quotes that have stuck with me “there’s more than one way of getting what you want”, “’he hurts,’ kevin says. ‘it hurts”, “you will be afraid and you will do it anyway”, and “to keep living. until i don’t”. also i think that andrew with synesthesia in where everything is good fits so perfectly. the idea that andrew has something so unique ahh i love. “your voice was the first blue one i ever saw” makes everything around me go quiet.

@jemejem / jemejem - first of all i am really loving the radio show ficlet that’s being posted on tumblr. i’m a sucker for breakup fics, especially cheating fics (because i need angst) so only was the find of the century. it’s a fic where no matter how many times i’ve read it, i still feel gutted and achy reading it. their recent fic, the sound, was really interesting and i loved the later chapters so much but can’t share because of *spoilers*

undertow - okay so they also only have 2 aftg fics but oh my goodness they are so good. tenuous is one of my most reread fics, i love the concept, interactions between all the characters, how i feel like i’m there with them, and their descriptions. one of my favourite lines are “The sink turns on; water smacks against the bottom of its metallic basin. It feels—well. It just feels.” ugh i don’t know why i like it so much i just do. it fits so perfectly. and i can totally imagine kevin and neil being super petty in their love song writing, this fic is such a contrast to the other one and yet still so good.

@broship-addict / broship_addict - kid!au! oh my goodness ice cream au! ahh they’re so good at writing cute fluff that has such good characterization that they’ve adapted perfectly into whatever au they have written. and at the same time impulse hit me in a different kind of way. what a joy to read, i love witnessing the ways that andrew and neil come together in all of their fics. also i really can’t not mention their amazing artwork. so grateful to have them contributing so much to this fandom

@unkingly / vicariously kingly - bless these fics. i don’t know anyone that doesn’t love a good de-aged neil fic and this really does The Most for that trope. also can i just say that callboy!neil was a thing i didn’t know i needed in my life but now i don’t know how i lived without it. also mermaid!neil?? yes please. i adore the way they write andriel. their fics are angsty and never fail to make me feel something, often a little bit raw in a good way. latchkey child wrecked me. i felt like i had been scraped clean and felt a little bit off for the remaining night and day after. Say Golden, Pony Boy was eerie and just the right amount of mysterious. i was left feeling unsettled in my own home. these fics have delightful endings that leave you satisfied and yet wanting more all the same

@spanglebangle / spanglebangle - i really really cannot get over sunshine and moonlight. it’s such a soft version of neil and andrew’s relationship, i love the direction that was taken and how the boys grew and the changes because they found each other. i love the quote “you like the big gestures and ridiculous things i say. i’m in your head, remember, i know it makes you feel wanted” fox!neil is really so adorable and pure, but also feisty and protective and funny. i would love to see more of this fic. also the elementary au is everything to me. there’s a lot of content and it keeps me interested, but i especially love the later chapters with everything surrounding neil and then even later with andrew wrestling with his feelings. so well written.

@hopingforcoordinates / crazy_like_a - if you haven’t read their fics then ?? i really don’t know what to say since they wrote 3 of the top 5 fics with the most kudos in this fandom. and if you have read their work then we both know why they are being mentioned. i have fallen in love with their take on raven!neil. their writing style feels so simple and natural, which is a real talent. if you’re looking for a more explicit post-canon fic, then lessons is great, just make sure nobody is reading over your shoulder hah

@fuzzballsheltiepants / fuzzballsheltiepants - the iconic a mewment like this series is so funny, sweet, and angsty and features The Cats which is always a good sign. in particular, i loved the conversation about mark rothko and all of the art they looked at in the 6th fic. i don’t know what counts as spoilers so i’ll say thank goodness for neil ‘oblivious’ josten, trivia nights, and the good bad jokes that made this series such an enjoyable read. similarly, you can’t go wrong with the angst that’s sure to come with a fic where andrew gets hurt and doesn’t remember who neil is. or at least, this fic definitely went the opposite of wrong.

and i really cannot make this post without mentioning the mind-blowing collabs of lolainslackss and moonix to create dating & other disasters and of moonix and gluupor to write No Place Like Home (incomplete). i literally don’t even have words for how excited i was for when i heard of these fics. these collabs are too powerful for this world and if you haven’t read them then i guess you don’t want to enjoy yourself.

as well, additional thanks from this little ace baby to everyone who writes ace!neil or demi!neil. you guys have a special place in my heart.

i tried to find everyone’s tumblr but obviously didn’t succeed. please tag them if i missed them or tagged the wrong account. thanks! i also did not take the time to research pronouns/names so i refer to everyone as ‘they/them’. i know some of the right pronouns/names but it felt wrong to have some of them and not the rest. some of my comments might seem incoherent or repetitive. my apologies for all of this.

also if you go to my ao3 and see that it’s a little bare/notice that i never comment just know that it’s because i am *ultra lazy* and most of the time i cannot be bothered to log into my account. probably commented as raelle instead. or just ‘a’ because i really am That Lazy. or i’m planning on writing an essay for your fic but haven’t gotten around to it and i’m just drafting it in my head every time i reread.

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mcrmadness · 4 years

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Oooo, how about two from each of them? Fanfic asks: J and P, film asks: 15 and 16, music asks: 20 and 26.

OMG thanks!!! :DDD

Ask games: Fanfic asks, Film asks and Music asks. (People you can still send me asks if you want, asks are fun to answer to!)

***

FANFIC ASKS:

A little background before we get to the questions: I haven’t written too many, actually only 6 quite short ones (and one of them is a bit longer than usual) about Die Ärzte (Bela/Farin FTW) and all of these I have written between the years 2009 and 2012, so I was 18-21 which means they are not that good. And there’s lots of things I wouldn’t write anymore. I also have a WIP on my computer, I started it in 2012 but stopped writing altogether only to start writing again in the end 2018, it has bit over 28k words currently and tbh I have written 90% of that when I started writing again two years ago. I still have my old ones up on LiveJournal (ask for a link), but I haven’t published anything fron this later one as I’ve just been writing down all kinds of snippets whenever I have had an inspiration. I think those are also a lot better in quality than what I wrote before, the old ones are quite cringey.

J. What is your favorite fic that you’ve written?

I guess we talk about those fics I have also finished, now. It’s actually hard to decide but I would say my favourite is either Why not even once? or The Boring Book Freak. I think the latter is actually The favourite.

The first one (was actually my second dä ff overall) is set to happen in 2003 and in that one Farin is leaving for another vacation somewhere and Bela wants to go with him, but Farin wants to travel alone and Bela is struggling with that, as well as with Farin finally leaving and having to somehow survive his time at home without Farin there. The writing itself is bit stupid and I feel that the end got bit too far but otherwise I like the idea.

The second one (came actually after the previous one) is set to happen in the early/mid 90s (my fave Bela/Farin era btw) and on that they just are at some random summer cottage. Now, fuck cottagecores and such, I wrote it because summer cottages are a thing in Finland and I wrote it when cottagecore was not even cool yet. Somehow I imagined that it would be very Farin-like to rent a cottage from the middle of nowhere, in a forest and then spend a weekend or so there with Bela. Who then is not entertained at all and is bored because Farin won’t put away his book and won’t give him any attention, so he tries everything to get Farin’s attention. I especially like the visual images this fanfic gives to me, I can see their hairs and outfits so well and those are also aesthetically very pleasing. (They look the same as in that Absolut Live interview from the 90s, I don’t control their looks with my fics usually, I just have an idea and then my brain creates how they look in that particular scene :D)

I have also written a short songfic around the lyrics of their song “Ich weiß nicht (ob es Liebe ist)” and it was fun to imagine that as Bela/Farin. That was fun to write.

This got a bit long so I put the rest under a cut:

P. What are your favorite tropes to write?

(Had to google what a trope is lol. I’m old-school and no longer know most of the terms unless they’re old terms.)

Angst - I put my own angst, sadness and angriness into my writing often. It’s when I feel like in real life I would need other people but I don’t know how to reach out or don’t just feel comfortable about opening up, I open up a file and start writing. This is also where we get to the next trope...

Hurt/Comfort - But not so that X hurts Y, but that Y feels hurt for other reasons and then X comforts them. I kinda got obsessed with this theme after being bullied at school so I was always hurt but never comforted, so I often go back to those feels and emotions with my text to look for that comfort (hug, nice words, whatever) I never got in real life.

Fluff - This is bit complicated because I like writing fluff but I also hate reading fluff I have written. Because it does not sound like me. And sometimes when I write, I feel like standing behind my own back and vomiting a little on the inside because of how cheesy and disgusting that is but still I can’t stop writing. And then I feel like a different person when I read them because I can’t believe it’s ME who wrote them. The same way when I watch movies and people kiss, I always look away. And I want to look away when I read my fanfiction. But I can’t, especially because I know I looked at that scene in my head when I wrote it.

Humour - I love humour so much and I like to include this to my writing. Normally I put the humour in my comics but some of that fits also in the regular texts too.

***

FILM ASKS:

These are super tough but also fun - I have been trying to think of what to answer to these for days.

15. A film everyone loves but you hate?

The Avengers (-12). Sorry but not sorry. Well I don’t hate it but I don’t understand why everyone says it’s the best Marvel movie ever. It’s not. It’s full of clichés and stupid forced heteroromances and whatnot and the plot was just so, so predictive I don’t understand why it’s often talked about as some sort of cinematic master piece. I literally was able to tell everything that was gonna happen next when I watched it for the first time. Only cool things in that movie are Loki and Iron Man, whose character I already liked as I had seen the Iron Man movie and liked it. But I hated both Thor movies (the third one is awesome tho).

I like Marvel and I have seen I guess most of the movies - before MCU all good Marvel movies to come out were The X-Men movies and Spider-Man movies, and because I saw so many terrible Marvel movies, I was avoiding the whole MCU and I got into these movies much later and still, after seeing them all, I say The Avengers is one of the worst ones. Thor and Thor 2 are pretty much even worse (and I haven’t even seen the Hulk movie because it looks terrible), mainly because I just can’t stand the fact they’re mainly just built around Thor and his love interest...

16. A film you love but everyone else hates?

Spider-Man 3 (or the whole trilogy with Tobey Maguire). I see we continue with Marvel here but seriously I don’t understand why everyone is always picking on Tobey’s version of Spider-Man? And people especially hate the third movie and how Venom was portrayed in it (I’m obsessed with Venom’s human teeth pls I want his teeth), when it’s actually the best one for me. The second one is bit boring because it was again all about whining and Mary-Jane... Anyway, the reason why I am so attached to these movies is that I saw the first Spider-Man movie from TV when I was a teenager and in junior high myself, and I was bullied and a bit of a nerd so I could relate to Peter Parker a lot, and it gave me just so much strength to see him become Spider-Man and to stand up against the bullies and other assholes.

I also saw the third movie in the movie theater and there was one scene during which I started hysterically laughing with my friend because of an expression Tobey made as he was sitting on a bed, I don’t know why but somehow I just totally lost it at that :D It still makes me laugh so much when I see it! And when the movie ended, I heard a The Killers song “Move Away” for the first time during the end credits and TK was one of my favorite bands at the time (and still is).

***

MUSIC ASKS:

20. a song that empowers you

It gotta be Dead! by My Chemical Romance:

youtube

This album was what got me through all the shit that happened when I was 15+ and especially this song always made (and still makes) me feel so good. I often listened to my old mp3 player while walking to school and back home and every time this song came by, I just felt like nothing can harm and that life FINALLY was so great! It’s so energetic and still makes me feel that living is actually super awesome.

26. a song that taught you a lesson

Hmmm. I think I will answer to this with Dusche by Farin Urlaub.

youtube

That thumbnail is terrible but... And why did I choose this song? Well, I’m all for the sound what comes to music and I’d say at least 80% of all lyrics go way over my head. I just don’t have the skills for understanding poetry and also very poetic lyrics make me go crazy. I hate not knowing and when I have to assume, guess and interpret something. I don’t want to guess but I wanna know what someone has actually thought.

Dusche was the first song that had lyrics that for the first time ever actually spoke for me. I probably saw some video with English subtitles a fan had made and it just blew me away because holy shit, people are capable of writing lyrics even I can understand??? And that way I realized I can like lyrics but only if they make absolutely no sense (aka are funny or somewhat crazy, like Dusche) or when they are written in a story form or sung from the 1st person view or to “you” or in passive - but only if I can get behind the idea there.

After Dusche, Farin’s song Porzellan followed. And one of my absolute favourites is Karten. So, Farin is one of the only few people whose lyrics I have been able to understand. I still don’t hear lyrics and don’t understand a majority of the lyrics my fave bands write, and I have understood only a couple of Bela’s lyrics and I’m not sure if I’ve understood any of Rod’s lyrics. It’s not even about the language barrier anymore really, it’s just the topics or wordings I cannot comprehend.

Thank you again for the ask! This was very interesting to ponder and answer to :)

#useless-blog-of-a-moth #mutuals #ask games #mcrmadness' random stuff

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intotheswamp · 4 years

Text

KOJEY RADICAL - Interview, March 2020.

Back in March, I interviewed Kojey Radical for a fashion website’s summer campaign. Then, y’know, a pandemic kicked off. Then, y’know, I got fired from said fashion website. So when I saw the website publishing shots from said campaign, I figured that my interview with Kojey would be lost forever, or chopped into pieces, or (most likely) my work would never get credited. So that’s why I’m publishing it here, for you to read, without being told to buy anything. One love, and motherfuck a Mike Ashley.

How have you found today?

So far so good.

Not too cold?

Well.. [laughs]

What's a normal day like in the life of Kojey Radical?

Depends on what day of the week it is. if I get time off, I'm chilling. All the way. I'm not trying to do too much because work is so intense and I'm busy and you kind of constantly got to stay creative and for me, I like pressure when I when I gotta finish up, deliver something... But to create ideas, I gotta be real relaxed. The most stressful thing for me is to play the Xbox.

Is something like today is that does not pop up pretty usually?

Yeah, and it's cool. I love it, I wouldn't have it any other way, but... It's crazy because like if you know, it's going to come up with music but you start off intending to just do music. Yeah, don't think about anything else. You don't think about having to do shoots or campaigns or even interviews. Just think about that what song's coming next, so it's the only thing that doesn't feel second nature. I feel like I gotta be, like... zen.

Would your friends describe you like that?

No.

How would they describe you?

Annoying. I'm petty, I'm sarcastic, I'm bad at communication, but I'm lovable and generous and funny. I like long walks on the beach. I mean, it's all just like it's all just one big Bumble profile. [laughs] Nah, but I feel like they all secretly love me.

You grew up in Hoxton. What does summer feel like in that part of London to you?

Busy. Chaotic. Familiar. Loud. Fun. There's an energy that comes with the area, that invites people to the area. So it kind of becomes like a hub, like a source of people to come and be themselves or get to the truest version of what they see themselves as... and then complain about it while they're there. That's just like that's just how we do it, we're English fam. We just complain.

Growing up, would you practice being onstage in your bedroom?

Yeah, I mean most of my life, my favourite lyrics are still written in my bedroom. I didn't necessarily ever think I was going to do music, it wasn't necessarily part of the plan. Poetry was just something I used to do as an escape from... everything, from life, from self, from, yeah, from anything. So my first passion and my first love was art, so I painted, drew, illustrated, designed... and I used poetry as a fall back like, Okay, just write what you got to say when you can't communicate. I find you you always have to explain art, people want you to explain art and sometimes it's difficult. So, to put it into words or kind of contextualizing another way was easier for me and then I had an idea for music and the rest is history. We good to go. We lit now.

So what would you consider yourself first and foremost?

I still consider myself an artist, I think the medium changed but the technique, the focus, the idea, the mentality - same thing.

What's the what's the main difference between writing a poem and writing a chorus?

A poem don't have to be catchy. A poem don't have to stay in your mind; the impact of a poem has to, but no particular part or lyric or line has to rhyme or rhythm in a way that sticks to you. Whereas when you're writing music or writing songs, there's a different technique. There's a different charm that comes with that. You can't even let the fact that you're poetical stop you from learning. Connecting loads of words - yeah, there's a genius to it, but there's also a genius to simplicity.

Some of the best choruses and the best songs were often the most simple, or when you dissect the lyrics or give them meaning, they're the most poetic. So you gotta find a happy medium: whenever I'm writing music and choruses or raps or anything, it's about feeling. I don't feel it, it's off. If I write something and someone recites it back, and something about it feels off, that ain't right. We just fix it.

So what was the moment you definitely knew you wanted to work as a creative?

When I could hustle some money. I used to flip drawings, used to draw stuff for people - they used to pay me in primary school and then I used to flip video work. I filmed for people, wrote video treatments graduate for people. I used to flip -- flip anything, I was good at flipping. I was good at making money, to make some cash. Once I realised I could do it with some art, I was never working a normal job again. Ever. Again. I got fired from every job I ever worked.

What was the worst job you ever worked?

What was the worst job I ever worked? They was all pretty much based around retail. They was all cool jobs! I just wasn't meant to work and that's fine. You feel that. You just got to figure out you, got to figure out your pace and what works for you. Like there's not one blueprint for everybody in the world and I think I got stuck following the group for a while. And luckily, I think everybody else around me could see it wasn't working for me and I was destined for something else. And that's why I kept getting fired: not because I was late, or because I didn't care enough, or that I couldn't find the stock room, or whatever else they might say. It's because they believed it. [laughs]

What was the first style purchase you remember saving up for?

What'd I buy? Well, some skinny jeans. That was revolutionary for me. I was wearing bootcuts for a long time. [laughs] I remember my first pair of skinny jeans changed my life. Then, trainers, I think I got some like adidas. What else did I like back then? You know what? I wanted to dress like Pharrell, so I bought whatever Pharrell wore or made. So I just saved up for whatever Pharrell made, like BAPE, Ice Cream, Billionaire Boys Club, Human Made, Dirty Ghetto Kids... Loads of them. Even those weird Soulja Boy shoes [laughs] that looked like the Ice Creams! They looked crazy. Yeah, I wanted to dress like Pharrell.

So style and music have always been one and the same for you.

Yeah. Like, when you're a kid, music is a big tool for communication and whoever speaks the loudest to you is going to inspire you the most. I was a kid growing up through like, I guess, trying to find myself and find where I belong. The stuff I saw, the communities and the tribes that I would see exist around certain types of music seemed the most appealing to me. I'm just getting into skate culture, I was really into like that early Neptunes production, and just the idea that style and music could go together. And Pharrell always kind of created a style around the sound, so like there'd be a shift in the music but also a shift in the fashion, they'd go hand-in-hand. You could almost feel the scrambling of everybody trying to catch up or imitate or recreate because it was just so... different and special. I think that effect is what gassed me the most as I want that effect. I'll never imitate anybody's music or anything like that, you can take inspiration, but it's the steps. It's like: what effect did that personality have? If you have the ability to inspire and really kind of create this need for other people to create what's next.

You’ve toured the UK many times, has any parts of the country influenced your style?

I almost bought a kilt in Scotland, but other than that, nah. I stay me. Which is cool. Everybody should be them. When I get there, I'm like you might learn this and I get to learn something. That's cool. I'm happy with learning.

What stopped you from buying the kilt?

It wasn't one in my size.

Fair enough. I read that you were in Accra before jumping into the process of making Cashmere Tears. What style inspiration have you taken from being in Ghana?

I picked up one of the greatest of all time, and her name is Amaarae. She's a young singer-songwriter from Accra and she was the catalyst and glue and the genius that helped make Cashmere Tears that extra bit more cashmere feeling.

Who else are you inspired by in fashion?

Amaarae, she's sick, you gotta see the way she dresses. When I first seen her, she jumped out of a big Jeep with a boxy blazer, she was almost on some Grace Jones type of stuff, but it was wavier because the hair was dyed - all the designer stuff was subtle, it was all accessories and I was like, yeah, cashmere.

Are you a big accessories, big jewelry person?

Yeah. Yeah, I like to say no, but I've got a mouthful of gold and neck full for silver and a wrist with whatever this is. I try not to show it, so I just wear it and keep my mouth closed. I put my chains on and zip my hoodie up. Because it's for me. I like it for me. I like the idea of grafting, sacrificing and when you can, just give yourself something nice. So all the jewelry, when I can, it's subtle [laughs]. When I can!

I read that you were really into Yohji Yamamoto. Can you talk a bit more about that?

Yeah, I mean, I think I think there's there's there's a power in deciding an aesthetic and sticking to it and I think the idea of almost concentrating in black, and seeing how far you can take different shapes and different ideas without stepping outside of an aesthetic... It's still revolutionising, but you're keeping it familiar, which then helps you concentrate your ideas into innovation, rather than trying to trend chase. Because you don't have to care what colors are in season, you have to care about what shapes are going to be most complementary to whatever else is going on out there, because that he's designed a whole wardrobe. That means that you never have to think about it. I feel like fashion should be conscious in the way it's made, in its approach to materials, literally how it is made... But, like, it should be subconscious in the way it's chosen and how it fits into your life, and how you put clothes on and how you approach wearing clothes. You shouldn't have to think about it. Everything should be done for you. That's the perfect consumer relationship, when it's just easy.

What's your favorite thing about working and creating in London?

The people I've managed to meet from here, the creators I've managed to create with here, I've always got to show love to my team: Kaz, Swindle, Q, Charlie, my sister, managers, like everybody that certainly see my tour manager like everybody else around me my music my band - like everybody that helps me make the stuff is a different part of London. A different viewpoint and different perspective. It all comes together to make the big Megazord. In Power Rangers, you see when it's like they fought the evil ones, pow pow pow, jobs' done. The job is never done. You gotta take that one in. What happens is you don't quit. You assume, grab the mandem, say boom, Megazord time. Everyone gets together. Genius. That's how I ended up with all these amazing projects and great music - because I am in the Megazord a hundred percent of the time, and I wouldn't have that Megazord without London. Full circle. See how I came back? Mad ting.

What Power Ranger would you be?

I would be the Green Power Ranger because I'm sometimes, I'm here, nah I'm not here, it depends what I'm doing this week... I can't be a Power Ranger all the time, there to save the day all day every day, you know how long this is? Nah, pop up like the Green Ranger, boom. What's that? It's Gucci, I'm wearing Gucci right there. All in front of you. [chuckles]

I saw your set with Swindle at Glastonbury last year and was taken aback by how stylishly you were dressed. What’s your approach to hitting the stage in the summer, are you dressing for the heat or to impress?

It's tough because essentially I used to really really really really dress up. Then I realized how impractical that was for the type of performance I give, so then the basis of a performance outfit was like: an amazing pair of trousers, I start with the trousers every time, cos nine times out of ten I will end the show in probably just my trousers. From there, you can go matching set or you can go some complimentary, so that kind of gives it volume and shape depending on what style of trousers - with skinnier, I might wear something heavy on top, if they're like a flare trouser, I might keep it real simple like a silk shirt on an open up ting.

Boom. Nine times out of ten though, the top's coming off cos we got work to do. So that's when the accessories come into play. The jeew-ells have to be shining. I don't wear my teeth when I'm on stage because I can't rap with these in, but also... The socks got to be fire, because sometimes if it's really crazy, that stage, I might just need to make it home. I mean, I'm kicking the shoes off and we're just going for it. Plus - I don't want to lose my shoes in a mosh pit, so I'd rather just go in there with my socks and have someone pick me up. Crowd surfing's fun.

You’ve hit the festival loop, not only in the UK but in countries across Europe as well. What makes a British summer vibe different to one elsewhere?

It's home! It's familiar, you know where to go. You know where the vibe is, you know how to navigate and I think... Memories are created in the summer, and the more memories you can create, the better. I think naturally as time progresses and generations grow up and there's always like a big vibe, there's always like new memories to make. So I think the summers I remember as a kid are different to the summers I experience now, and the ones that I experience in 10 years will be different to the ones from now. So luckily, If everything goes to plan, I'll be around for many more summertimes and then I'll be able to tell you a real, real answer. Right now, I'm just going through them one by one but I like 'em. Plus: you could go on holiday! If it gets boring, just hop on the plane, land somewhere, two weeks, bit of sun, come back, get more sun.

Tell us the process behind making ‘One Night Only’ with Mahalia, it really blew up.

Yeah, that was a good riddim. We'd done 'Water', which was a great record, my record. I remember I had finished 'Water' and I called Mahalia. First, I like the sound of the song, she's hitting me back straight away like yeah I'm on it. We went to the studio and really hit it off. That's, like, a great friend of mine. I was with her the other day actually, she was picking out jewelery at Cartier. Like, look how far we've come eh? Life's different now. Anyway, boom: back to the song. Swindle made 'Water', Swindle also made 'One Night Only'. So for us, that felt like the Dream Team, so when they had an open verse on that record, first person they called was me. What was crazy about it was that I didn't even intend to, like, be on the record like that. I was just going to help with some writing or whatever, but May puts confidence in me when it comes to my pen, and she teaches me to believe in certain parts of lyrics or ideas that I write down that I'm like hmmm, that won't work for me or that won't sound right. Even when I came in with the [sings] funny duh-duh-duhduh, I was just vibe-writing. I didn't think I was gonna have to sing it, and then, when you see it live, it's a movie. Get them going, eyes closed with the [pretends to hit a high note] It's wavy, trust me. It's a wave! That riddim's fire.

With on stage performances, do you find yourself holding in energy--

No.

So you don't save up energy for the performance, you've got energy all the time?

That's a waste of life if you hold back. Especially when you have the opportunity to go even further. We just got to cut all that out, that whole humble thing. Be humble, have humility, that is a good trait. But, naturally we feel that to appease other people, we have to downplay ourselves. If you're good at something, do good at it and then do great. Do it better than good. Don't ever tell no one, ah I'm not sure, nope. No holding back. If I'm not holding back, you can't hold back. So really, it's just two forces going at it when I'm on stage: it's just two tidal waves crashing. It's just beautiful. It's an explosion of love, it's great, cos no one's holding back. And if you're holding back? To the back, of the bus, go home.

Okay: don't be humble now. Tell us what's coming this year.

Everything, everything you could possibly imagine. And maybe nothing! Sometimes you got to hold back, but in a different way, you gotta make 'em want it, and then: boom! You give them better than great. Last time, I said do good be great. Then you give 'em better than great. So I haven't decided yet. I need to feel it out, I've got so much sitting there. We're bout to do this tour, going off to America, that'll be fun - feel like Eddie Murphy a little bit but it's cool, we'll figure out when we get there. Boom. Come back do a European part, do a UK part, lick off the festivals a little bit or... drop some music, write an album, make a film, design some furniture... I don't know!

Everything. That's the thing. I do whatever I want whenever I want to so I just got to want to do it and everything will be done. In the world, everything. I will change this planet. I promise.

2019 felt like a really big year for you. Was there a point you felt as though, 'wow, this is a real moment'?

[strokes chin] What happened last year? Cashmere Tears came out... Mmmm, so much happened. I forget. Every year rolls into one year, it just feels like it keeps going, and every time you get through that one milestone or one, kind of like, 'Yeah. Okay. That was crazy'. Something else happens the next week that's even crazier. So to process it, I'll almost forget what I did the day before, just so I can process what I'm about to do the next day. My family will have to remind me, like, big yourself up, be proud of yourself, you've come so far, you've done this you've done that. I'll just genuinely forget that - I could do Glastonbury on Tuesday and by Thursday all I care about is getting Prestige in Call of Duty. Like it, depends on what's going on. But I remember when I did KOKO, like a thousand, five hundred people, that felt like the biggest thing that'd ever happened to me. Then the year after that I was headlining the festival with Giles [Peterson] and now, this year I'm about to do Roundhouse and that's double the amount of people of KOKO. After that I got to think about the next big thing. So they all roll into one and I'm just happy I can keep doing it, because like I don't really care how long it takes, as long as I can do it forever.

You feel a bit purposeless when you stop working. That's why I'm like, I wanna just get back on tour, get back out there and start doing shows and not get restless. We stop what we're doing, but then everyone rushes to get to that point with fame, like I want to be the biggest in the world or... Once you're at the top, you can only stay there for so long before you have to come down, that's how gravity works. The higher and faster you get there, the faster you're going to come down! That's science. Gravity, science, it's all right there in the textbooks they teach you in school. You just got to relate it to success and you'll be fine, you'll have all the answers.

Like who's on the up then in terms of gravity that you're checking out?

Everybody that I love and my prayers for them, is that they stay there for as long as possible, because everybody deserves it because everybody works really really hard. Mahalia again, that's a great friend of mine, to see her success is, like, amazing. Even, like, Swindle again, that's my brother - like I remember sitting in the cinema to watch one film and his advert with Apple comes on and it's his music playing, and I'm like yo...! That's big! It's crazy to me, because those are your friends, that's family, you're just excited for them. You just want everybody to win. I don't even know see the top, no one's even near the top, because once you're there, there's only one way down. So we're just still climbing, every day. Climb.

We're going to wrap this up real quick with a quick fire round. Okay, so just clear your mind - get real zen. First thing that comes to mind. What can’t you wait to wear this summer?

Silk.

What's a summer session mean to you?

Vibes. Plenty of vibes.

Who's going to drop the song of the summer?

Me.

What can't you leave the house without?

My wallet. No, I can! I'm lying. I can't leave the house without... my house keys. [chuckles]

In your area, where are you going when it's a sunny day?

Rooftop.

Fave party tune?

'Can't Lose' by Benji Flow.

Favorite sweet?

Werther's Original. I'm an old man.

Fave drink mixer?

Ginger beer. [PAUSE] No! Orange juice.

Favorite movie?

Beasts of the Southern Wild.

What's your favorite place on Earth?

My bedroom.

And your favorite piece of advice?

Keep going.

#interview #transcript #kojey radical #mahalia #fashion #uk music #poetry #style #swindle #pharrell #dgk #billionaire boys club

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blahsome · 5 years

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March 18 2020, yet another big milestone. 25 years. A quarter of a century. Is it a big deal or are numbers arbitrary and it’s the same amount of a deal as it ever has been? I can’t publish everything I’ve written down for this year without feeling guilty, but I also can’t step on no toes all the time. And now, I will also feel guilty posting this when there's a pandemic occurring, but, I am trapped at home with little to do other than edit and re-edit this writing to be suitable enough for the public. I started writing this on April 9, 2019, too early to start my 25th anniversary writing? I’ll guess not. So here it is, my yearly open letter to my mother with intermittent ramblings and poems about my experience moving though life as the person I am and my perceptions as a flawed but resilient female. It’s like if I put it out there, maybe I’ll somehow reach her and she will somehow let me know. Highs and lows, as usual. Just after 2 years off the sauce I had a bigger ‘aha moment’ than putting down any bottles, though one wouldn’t have happened without the other. I realized drinking wasn’t my real problem to begin with. It was people, and my desperate need for their acceptance and approval. My need to be recognized and valued instead of coddled and unconsciously kept in a box. My need to control the outcome of situations and stepping on toes in the process. After so long being alcohol free I came to see that I had to start living for me. In early June 2019 a dear friend turned me on to a book called CoDependent No More. In maybe a week’s time I absorbed every word, the narcissist in me was almost convinced that I’d written it myself, it resonated so deeply. The following week I started attending CoDA meetings. Now that so many of my grievances and ailments make sense, I only wish I’d known sooner that it was okay to live life with me as my number one priority. I didn’t know before that I didn’t have to feel responsible for other people’s actions or inactions, but my self worth had been dependent on it. I’m 95% sure my mother was CoDependent, and with that consideration, I’m able to understand her life choices better and therefore navigate my own with slightly better foresight. Wikipedia says “Codependency is a behavioral condition in a relationship where one person enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. Among the core characteristics of codependency is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity.” Now, that’s just one definition. There are many charastics to pick and choose from, and let me tell you, us codependents (I can only speak for myself) can be picky and choosy. Some people define codependency as a disease because if it goes untreated it only gets worse. I’m trying to break a lifetime of habits. Hi, My name is Blossom and I’m CoDependent. Every Monday night I go to a meeting where a group of women gather and we all try to work on ourselves to let go of whatever unmanageable ailments are keeping us shackled. It’s humbling and it fills me with hope. It empowers me to continuously seek change and clarity. Codependency is a tough one to recover from, as you can’t quit people. Once I had a name for this problem, every love song sounded different and every frustration made sense. I became able to recognize crazy making and slow down and see that I didn’t have control and things had become unmanageable. In doing so, I was able to step back and make better decisions for myself and my life and that’s how this whole last year unfolded more in my favor than any year previous. I worked on detaching and I started living for myself. March is a hard month for me. I sometimes feel so undeserving of a skin to be settled in. I writhe around in my persistent and annual grief. I start getting anxious in February wondering how it will appear this year. This March is particularly hard. I moved into a house with strangers and rarely stay there. I’ve got no place of my own to grieve, and with COVID-19 amongst us, I don’t want to take up any more emotional space while the world is feeling its current devestations and fears. My hopes for 2019 were to have more highs than lows, make my amends and reconciliations, and to keep my head mostly above water. And that was mostly the case. My aunt told me shortly after my post last year that my mom had self imposed low self esteem (now I recognize this as codependency). Watching home videos of her I feel like I could see stress in her face and I think about what she wrote in her journal about worry making her face look funny and how she didn’t want anyone to feel as she did. Maybe because it was a different time she felt like she couldn’t talk about her anxieties and had to bottle them up. I’m thinking about all the time I’ve spent transfixed by being a motherless daughter and trying to figure out where I fit into the word. I’m thinking about how long I spent tending to my father's bent and dusty wings, thinking I’d needed to see one of my parents fly so that I could’ve learned how it’s done. I’m in some required college to career success class that’s making me question my path, as if stress wasn’t doing that already. I’m laying in bed wishing that I’d figured out sooner that my wings were fine regardless of anyone else’s. I wish you were here so I could tell you all about everything. And so you could do the same. And so we could share the load. I quit smoking finally. Now my only vice is other people’s problems and trying to fix them to no avail. The eternal heartbreak I mentioned in my last letter makes more sense now. And the boy who told me to turn off the lights on my birthday sent me a podcast that said something about only being able to be loved as much as you’re willing to be vulnerable. And I think we’re all scared to be completely honest about how shitty we are, so we just perpetuate the shittiness and stay closed and unloveable. Early August 2019- I’m off track as usual, probably malnourished, definitely exhausted. This morning I was crying, I thought I wouldn’t be able to pull it together and that my eyes would be red when I got to my first job of the day. I think I was mourning. Things are going to change so much. I won’t have any more free time. I have to restructure everything. Which I think is what I wanted, but what a learning curve. I still have desperate hopes of creating a camp for motherless daughters someday. And it has to be accessible to all. But lord knows how far off in the future it is. At this time my feet are seldom beneath me, I’m sprinting forwards and if I stop I will stumble. I have to figure out my shit first I guess, and I’m putting in the worrrk. Or trying to at least. At a CoDA meeting a woman was talking about learning how to wield her anger, a thought that made me tremble. I liked the sound of it, as I have so much, and if we could turn it into a power, a force for good...it’d be all over. But I’m stifled by it, embarrassed of it. When I cancel plans it's usually because I’m embarrassed about how angry I am over something out of my control, and I can’t come down. Everyone was relatable, everyone seemed to be making progress, even if at this time it looked like a breakdown. They told their stories and I cringed inwardly, thinking of what I would have done in their situation. The time for change is now, I’m shaking in my boots. Some poetry and prose: My broken heart painted my world red slandering your name ensuring I’m to be seen as a fool who sobs wolf My depressed history understands every bit of where you come from like we have the same veins My logical self tells me that’s your burden to bear but I do everything I can to fabricate your crutches and excuse your bad behavior - Codependent Cowgirl Uncharmable. You only want your ex cause you think that’s where you can be yourself, but really that’s where was born the version of yourself you hate the most. Here I am standing strong, aching for my newest weakness. You’re having none of it. If I unclench my jaw and take a deep breath Tears roll down my cheeks THIS is relaxing So I tense back up And jump back into my cortisol spiral There is too much to get done to spend even one second thinking about you Six Sundays have passed since I’ve seen you last Codependency writes all my prose and all my sonnets All my pros and wilted bluebonnets - Go hard or go home Or go hard and stay at home, for forever because you thought you and your home would be each other’s salvation because home was the only thing that ever willingly invited you to change it and was better for it. But home got too heavy and home wouldn’t change on its own. And all the changes you did accomplish didn’t prove your worth. Plagued by nostalgia and sentiment Chronic grief Frozen in grief, and just when I begin to thaw, the temperature drops again Perpetually stressed What if to lose a parent as a child, is to lose the present. Because then you are trapped dreading the uncertainty of the future and wondering about a past you never knew and will never know, theirs. - Fuckless nights I unwittingly dusted off my fiddle strings and played as best as I could but you were never pleased. I was always out of tune or just off beat. -- And so let us not demonize others for our perceived shadows they cast and have casted We can’t all be deciphering your eccentric and elaborate needs when you’re shouting CUNT at the tips of your fingers and claiming to empower women while you dig in your claws to another. Chicken soup wasn’t enough to cleanse your soul. -- I think about you every day Literally nothing happens And I’m reminded of you I wake up I think of you I want to punch a wall I till the dirt I think of you I go on a date I don’t like him I think of you I let myself get so fucked up over you My rose colored glasses are shattered but I’m still wearing them I can’t bring myself to say nothing but nothing I say gets through to you I was operating out of a place Of fear I felt threatened by any number of women I’d never met and will never meet. I saw a message on your phone It confirmed my suspicions You drunkenly tried to explain it away I wanted to believe you but I had already poured the concrete and I cart it with me everywhere Slowly I’m leaving little bits here and there Becoming lighter - This week I wrestled with my codependency, Manic and exhausted from my nervous system vibrating I spent countless hours elbows deep in the dirt trying to find the root of it all An unsolvable problem parallel with reality Hard work makes me stronger Even if I can’t kill all the weeds Progress over perfection What even is progress? fuck my life. I’m no fun at this time. The doors will rot in the yard, my gut tells me just like the others. It’s not even a metaphor, just a strong probability, and a waste. Oh my god the realizations just keep rolling in. For hoarders the drama triangle isn’t just for people, but objects too. The doors must’ve been playing victim, and he’s gone to rescue them. The only corner left for me is The Persecutor. - Back in the thick Texas air Drawn to tough love From best friends to boyfriends Can’t get enough of the push and pull I’m nothing like the others I’m so much more with so much less You make me nervous But I don’t have much to lose I want to roll over and kiss you on the mouth I want reciprocation I want you to push my face away Just to kiss me on the neck You always get me with a twist We are scared of each other Collective hurt Collectively hurt We are missing something and are unable to accept ourselves and each other as we are I don’t know how you can lie to me Or how I can stick around for it For all those times you smash it right I guess Second best to you kissing my neck Is when I’m out of sight but on your mind I don’t fit in to some plan you thought you had I break the mold I’m quiet and bold We are anxious, we are stepping on each other’s toes Bite your tongue For better or for worse Things stay the same But with time, and your tongue between your teeth Eggshells are everywhere, splintered into our feet Make it up as you go along Keep the gas on I’m filling the space between my eyes and my rose colored glasses with wool - Same as ever Tongue between my teeth Lighting up another 100 out of 10 You wonder if you know me But you don’t give yourself the opportunity I’m right behind you writing my words that my teeth won’t allow my tongue to speak Desperation is such a drain Self inflicted low self esteem A familial affliction Looking like a 10 Feeling like a dud That low self esteem has me trembling And today was a good day - With a bottle of booze as his gate keeper He’ll never let me in I’m flushed, way too in my head Thinking up scenarios to catch you with your hands red bloodied from tearing my heart out and probably hers, too. - When I first quit drinking I felt this temporary empowerment, like I always had my wits about me. I could do anything. And then my codependency cloud settled back in, my intuition slipped back out the window. Now it’s like I’m in the desert, with a paddle, which makes even less sense than being upstream without one. It takes so much energy for me to state my needs. I’ve lived much of my life being brushed off and I predict rejection of my needs and so I try to suppress them and be ok with things as they are, but I need more. When I’m cancelled on, or am not prioritized, I need to be provided with alternatives or I feel insignificant. Reminders of my stated needs feel like nagging. I need reassurance. It’s exhausting and disheartening. -It’s the little things like when I ask if you want to do something and you tell me what you’re doing instead, without offering any alternative. Or when you tell me nothing. And I have visceral feelings that to inquire is to overstep and overstepping leads to termination. When I’m doing better I don’t write as much. Pain is romanticized, joy is foreign to me and perceived as fleeting. I’m trying to flip that script. Going to CoDA helps me in this effort. It reminds me that there is space for me and it's ok for me to have needs and taking care of myself should be step one in all of my endeavors. It's ok to say no. I don’t owe anyone anything, and also no one owes me anything. I’m closer than ever before to becoming the butterfly out of the cocoon, though I'm still very far, and that's okay. Progress over perfection. Now wash your hands and stay safe. If not for you, then for your loved ones, or your friends friends loved ones.

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sunshineandfangs · 5 years

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Klarosummer - Quote || قلم قدرتمندتر است

Quote: “Newsflash - seashell bras give me hives.”

@klarosummerbingo

This one gets a bit meta. Also yes, I am going to make you all suffer through the Persian alphabet because when I tried to get a phonetic translation I failed and just butchered the language.

---

Caroline nibbled on the tip of her pen, struggling to find the words she wanted to say. She didn’t often use pen and paper, only when she was suffering a particularly strong block. Something about the motion, the way dark ink looked on clean paper was soothing and satisfying. Usually, by now something would have come to her, but today? Nothing.

She groaned, tossing the notebook down beside her as she leaned backward against the seat of the bench. It wasn’t comfortable. The hard wood digging into her spine and shoulder blades, blood rushing to her head as she let it hang.

Grumbling some more to herself, she eventually threw herself up and out of the bench, taking back her notebook as she marched through the park. Nature was good inspiration, or so she’s been told.

---

Shoving through the front door, Caroline set her keys down with a clank in their designated dish. All she managed to accomplish was getting a semi-decent workout, her pace increasing from a walk to a mild jog the more frustrated she got. That, and amusing herself by drawing a very fancy calligraphic “t” for the word “the.” SpongeBob was a classic.

Trudging toward her room, she threw herself across her duvet, glowering up at the ceiling as if it had all the answers to her problems. And she glared long enough for her eyes to start to feel strained, solving exactly zero of her problems. Tiredly, she rubbed her palms against them, figuring it was time for a break.

It was just so frustrating. She had all these worlds circling around in her mind. Sometimes she could picture them so vividly it felt like she could step through and taste them. There were characters who seemed to beat against the inside of her skull, their voices and thoughts and feelings so strong.

But the link between her imaginings and reality just didn’t click all the time. She would go to write something, but it just wasn’t quite right. Cross it out, backspace, start again. Stare blankly at a blinking cursing feeling a scene in her mind and having it escape her as soon as she went to type.

Caroline bit her lip.

Well, that wasn’t quite the whole truth.

Closing her eyes, she let herself fall. Down, down, down the rabbit hole of her mind, sinking into the core of her being. She reached out, grasping the strongest pulse she could sense.

Caroline gasped, eyes shooting open as she lunged for her laptop.

“Newsflash - seashell bras give me hives.” Poured out onto the page, a vivid image of young woman danced around in her mind. Red hair, slight waves, green eyes, a smattering of freckles. Her name was Candice, she knew, a bit of a spitfire and sassy, but also kind.

Her friend was Nina. A brunette, her hair curlier and longer, and her personality a bit more abrasive. But they were steadfast friends. Their relationship birthed in childhood, forged in the fires of teenager drama: boys and crushes and sex, rumor mills and social ladders.

Now, at twenty-six the two of them did odd jobs together as they worked to pay for med and law school respectively. This one probably one of their weirdest.

“You know that,” Candice scowled.

“Suck it up, buttercup,” Nina chirped, looking a bit too delighted for Candice’s liking. “The pay check for this one is really, really good. It’s crazy how many people want to pretend mermaids are real. But hey, whatever, money is money.”

Caroline’s fingers flew as she typed, depicting the (mis)adventures of Candice’s and Nina’s latest job. The little pulse she could feel fluttering in her chest grew louder and stronger until two heartbeats seemed to pound inside her.

It was startling when she finally looked up, the sky pitch black outside her window, the clock on her computer helpfully informing her it was now 1:29 AM. She had lost hours pouring herself into her stories. Fleshing out the details of Candice’s and Nina’s relationship. Added in family members and romance. It felt good to release the little slice of life into the world.

Quickly, re-reading what she had written, Caroline debated whether she wanted to continue or not. Build a more intricate world or let it go? Let it go, she finally decided. The heartbeat settled down until it was just her own once more.

---

Klaus scowled at his canvas, rather irked that the only paintings he could make lately were distorted smears. Don’t mistake him, he was proud of his abstract work, just not when it conveyed frustration and a lack of inspiration.

He tossed his brush aside, wiped the paint flecks from his skin. Running an aggravated hand through his curls, he decided to get out of the house.

---

The park wasn’t a place he would normally frequent, but desperate times and all that rot. As expected though, as he let his eye drift around the scene before him nothing much caught his attention. There were screaming children, tired parents, enamored couples. The typical things one might expect to see and none of them sparked new passion or anything of the sort.

And then he saw her.

She looked frustrated, not unlike himself really, but there was something about the way her eyes flashed with her ire. The purposeful way she moved as she went from a walk to a run.

Klaus left not long after, carrying his unexpected muse with him.

When he made it back to his apartment, images came to him in a hurry. A passionate gesture with an arm. A cat-like smile, mischievous and playful. Gorgeous flashing eyes, bright with temper.

As soon as he started, he couldn’t stop. The vivacious blonde woman stayed a constant, but others soon came to him. A red-head. A brunette. An unexpected desire to do a study of water and distortion. The shimmer of scales.

It was certainly some of his best work.

---

Caroline walked listless down the sidewalk, a heavy smear of concealer under her eyes to disguise their puffiness. She wasn’t sure how many tears she had cried. Enough that though her heart still felt like it was being crushed, there were none left to shed.

Just a few months ago she had felt on top of the world, new stories seeming to pour out of her by the dozens. An original work ready to be published. And then a week ago she got a phone call.

Her mom was sick. Cancer. Terminal.

She didn’t live far away, and Caroline had dropped everything to go and visit. She still visited everyday, making sure her mom was comfortable, that she was getting the best care available. Yet she felt useless, she was doing everything she could and it seemed to be nothing at all.

And her mom could see it wearing on her, had all but kicked her out and told her to come back when she had a chance to take a breath.

Well, here she was. Breathing. And not feeling better at all.

She kept walking. Not bothering to scramble for cover when a drizzle built into a downpour. Moved at the same pace and ducked into the next building several feet down.

She blinked. Blinked again. Wondered if stress and grief had made her go crazy.

Apparently, she had stepped into a gallery, and spread across the walls were snapshots of Candice and Nina, exactly as she had pictured them. She even saw would looked like a glimpse of mermaid tails.

Impossible.

---

What are the odds? Klaus thought, incredulous. His muse just stepped into his gallery.

---

Caroline’s eyes darted around wildly. If she had been more famous, then maybe she would think someone hacked her manuscript or something. But she wasn’t. Not at all.

Her upcoming book would be her first full length novel, everything else she had published in magazines. Short stories and poetry. An editorial or two when her inspiration was particularly low.

How could this be?

Because it wasn’t just a resemblance to her characters. They were identical, down to the pattern of freckles across Candice’s nose.

“We’re technically closed, love.”

Caroline jumped, startled out of her wide-eyed examination of Candice.

“O-oh,” she stuttered, whirling around. “Sorry, the door was open. And it was raining. I-do you know who did these?” She rushed out, desperately needing the answer.

---

Klaus was startled by the woman’s apparent mania, her resemblance to the muse he discovered in the park almost nowhere to be seen. He answered her though, perhaps that would lend some clarity to this baffling situation.

“I did.”

He stumbled back when she lunged for him, her thin fingers deceptively strong as she gripped his arms, eyes wide and gleaming. “When? How? What made you think of these images?”

“Bloody hell, woman! They just came to me. I was in the park looking for some inspiration and I got it.” He certainly wasn’t going to mention it came from her now. She seemed unhinged enough already.

---

Caroline stumbled back, an absolutely absurd idea bouncing around her brain.

This is crazy, Caroline. Crazy!

And yet she couldn’t help herself. What could it hurt?

With almost no conscious thought, her hand reached for her bag, snagging the small notebook she always kept on her. Her movements egged on by half remembered dreams, flashes of figures she thought belonged only in her mind.

She grabbed a pen and started to write. How a distraught blonde named Caroline stumbled into a gallery and discovered paintings of people she had thought she only imagined. How she had an extraordinary idea and started to write. Write out her story. Penning out a future in which a doctor calls as she finished writing. Calling to report a miracle. That after numerous tests checking and double checking, it seems Caroline’s mother’s cancer has gone into remission.

The pen dropped from her nerveless hands. Her heart pounding in her throat, her breath halted as seconds stretched like hours.

And just as she was about to ridicule herself for her insanity, her cell phone rang.

---

Author’s Note: Yes, I did cheat and wrote about writing. I also liked this story’s concept more than I ended up liking the execution :/. It’s definitely a weird one though.

Anyway, the title means “The Pen is Mightier” obviously derived from saying the pen is mightier than the sword. Unfortunately, an Englishmen first said that so in my quest to make a non-English title I did some mental somersaults. Basically I took the idea that writer’s are the “gods” of their own worlds (which Caroline makes even more literal here). And one of the first monotheistic religions known to us is Zoroastrianism which originated from Persia. And that concludes today’s peek into the weird way my mind works.

#Klaroline #KlarosummerBingo #Klaroline Fanfiction #Klaroline Drabbles #Klaroline Edits #Klaroline Photosets #Klaroline Aesthetics #My Writing #My Edits

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dreaminginsteadofsleeping42 · 5 years

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My Brief Thoughts on the 27 Books I Read This Summer

I love reading and I love talking about books and I’d love to give any of y’all some reading recommendations if you’re looking for them, so, here we go!

The Wings of the Dove, Henry James. I actually started this in January, but then Life Happened, so I only finished it in June. I really sped-read this one towards the end. Kind of took twice as many words needed to convey what was conveyed. Kind of had that sexist-ly written, male fantasy, early twentieth century woman element to it (this woman isn’t like other woman in that she is SMART! yeah.). The story was fine, but not my favourite.

King’s Cage, Victoria Aveyard. This is the third book in the series and it was MUCH better than book 2. The problem I have with this series is that I find the main character and her love interest boring af, so I’m not really interested in their story, but that’s just a personal preference thing. I loved some side characters and the villain.

War Storm, Victoria Aveyard. The last book in the series. Very long. Big book. Anti-climatic. My favourite character was done dirty. I was over it. Why were there two characters called Cameron and Carmadon? It was an enjoyable read, if the ending was a bit eh. At least [SPOILER ALERT] the lesbians got a happy ending.

Crooked House, Agatha Christie. This one was fun. Classic Christie, bunch of people in a house, someone dies, someone in the house did it, let’s figure it out, detectives! Interesting ending, something I hadn’t seen from it before and it was refreshing to read a standalone novel of hers (as much as I love Hercule Poirot and Miss Marple).

A Pocket Full of Rye, Agatha Christie. My girl Agatha! Another fun mystery. Old dude dies: was it his sons? His young wife? His young secretary? Wtf knows! Let’s go, detectives!

Venetia, Georgette Heyer. Pretty enjoyable, good humor, likeable heroine. My only problem with this book was that the hero was an asshole and basically assaulted the heroine upon meeting and it was painted as attractive because it was the 1920s or whatever, so yeah. I didn’t like him. Kind of spoiled the rest of the really good book.

The Jane Austen Project, Kathleen A. Flynn. SUPER good, so intriguing, oh my gosh. The synopsis basically is these two people from the future go back in time to find a missing book by Jane Austen and try to stop her from dying. Had me getting confused about the logistics of time travel for a week. Awesome!

Heartless, Marissa Meyer. This was also great. It’s an origin story for the Queen of Hearts and I LOVE how the author incorporated characters and concepts from Alice in Wonderland while also making it a fresh story. Definitely recommend if you’re into fairytales and classics.

Tarzan of the Apes, Edgar Rice Burroughs. Very exciting. A real page-turner, if sexist and racist and uneducated about everything.

The Glass Spare, Lauren DeStefano. THIS. THIS book deserves more hype. I really enjoyed it. It’s about this princess who discovers she has the ability to create gemstones. It was original, I couldn’t predict what was going to happen next in the best way, there was an actually interesting male love interest and it had a wlw relationship. Check it out, do yourself a favor.

The Cursed Sea, Lauren DeStefano. The sequel to the above. Even better than the former, had all the qualities I mentioned above and more. Although there was not one cursed sea in this book and to this day I am still confused about that.

The Mystery of Three Quarters, Sophie Hannah. It was a very interesting murder mystery, in the format was a bit different than what I was used to. Four people were sent letters accusing them of murdering a bloke who died a few months back. Was invested and trying to figure out the mystery the whole way through, so I got my money’s worth in that respect. The ending was a bit of a surprise, but it was a fun read.

Tale As Old As Time. A HUGE book all about the history of Beauty and the Beast. I love that story so much, I was almost crying at times while reading this book, I was so overcome with love. Definitely check it out if you love BATB.

The Life of Charlotte Bronte, Elizabeth Gaskell. I’ve loved the Brontes’ books for years and this book reminded me of that love. Such a vivid picture of her life. Charlotte Bronte was pre-teen-me’s idol.

Victoria, Daisy Goodwin. This was a historical novel about the first year of Queen Victoria of England’s reign. SO interesting, I was so invested and annoyed when it ended. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.

Armadale, Wilkie Collins. The gay vibes were strong with this book. I don’t care what anyone says, Ozias and Allan are in love with each other, it’s canon. We got crazy family history and drama here, superstition, mistaken identity, scheming women and an all-round good time. 800 pages of it.

Elizabeth of York, Alison Weir. This is a biography of, um, Elizabeth of York, Queen of England, mother of Henry VIII. I love the British monarchy. They are such a dramatic bunch in pretty gowns. Super interesting book. Very well-written.

The Big Four, Agatha Christie. This was a very different Christie. There were these crime lords all over the word trying to kill Poirot and Hastings. Very fast-paced and exciting, bunch of racist undertones. Reading Christie is like talking to your grandparents. It’s all fun until they throw some random racist comment out there and it sucks.

The Clockmaker’s Daughter, Kate Morton. Everyone go read all of Kate Morton’s books, thank me later. This was excellent as usual.

Jane and the Wandering Eye, Stephanie Barron. This is the third in a series that re-imagines Jane Austen as a detective. I love them, lots of fun.

My Own Book. This is the short story/poetry collection my little story got published in! There were some pretty amazing pieces in here (alongside mine ahahaha). Pretty cool to have my own writing on my bookshelf. Excuse me while I cry.

The Mystery of the Blue Train, Agatha Christie. Jewels. Woman murdered on train. Did someone on the train do it? Did someone go on and off the train to do it? Were they disguised as someone else? Was the murdered woman really the murdered woman? Was it her husband? Her boyfriend? Snow. France. Millionaires. Fun time.

Three Dark Crowns, Kendare Blake. The first in a new series. It’s about these three triplets and one of them kills the other two to be queen. I LOVE the characters in this series. For different reasons too. Great cliff-hanger ending. I love it.

One Dark Throne, Kendare Blake. The second in the series. Continues to be good. We have to stan.

Two Dark Reigns, Kendare Blake. Third in series. Still good, but a little anti-climatic in that a spat of bad weather made everyone decide to cancel the big, climatic battle. There’s one book left in the series I haven’t got yet AND I WANT TO KNOW HOW IT ENDS.

Regina Rising, Wendy Tolliver. A prequel-esque story about the Evil Queen from the Once Upon a Time TV series. Interesting, but not revolutionary.

Partners in Crime, Agatha Christie. This one was so FUNNY. I love Tommy and Tuppence, I wish she wrote more books with them. It was so hilarious. They set up this agency where they guarantee to solve any crime in 24 hours. So good.

#long post

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farfromsugafanfic · 6 years

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guksthighs Interview

I, the interviewer, typically don’t interrupt at the beginning of the interview, but Jess is legit one of my favorite fan fiction writers of all time and I’m so honored that she took the time to speak with me. Anyway, onto the interview!

First off, can you start off by introducing yourself (whatever name you feel comfortable using) and telling us a little bit about yourself?

I’m Jess, an eighteen year old writer from the UK! I’ve been writing for BTS for a year and a half but supported them since the Boy in Luv era! I stan all seven boys ( but lean towards my angel child Kim Namjoon ) and when I’m not writing or doing schoolwork I’m usually doing some sort of sports! Also I just wanted to say thank you so much for asking to interview me, it is only such an honour that I’d make the cut!

Q1: Why did you first begin writing fan fiction? A1: I’ve always loved writing and the easiest way to share it and get people to read your work is to write for a fandom - well that was my ideology in the beginning. In reality, what’s kept me writing are the messages I receive every now and then ( from people like you ) that make me feel like the luckiest person ever and like I’m doing a decent job at writing!

Q2: You mainly write imagines/ preferences, but you do have a few series and longer pieces on your page. Do you prefer to write in shorter forms? A2: When I first started out writing, rather embarrassingly, my aim was to grow a following on Tumblr so I posted daily for the first few months and because shorter forms are faster to write I was able to continue that and now I am able to balance my life and writing easier. I’d love to write longer pieces but I’d prefer to publish a smaller piece weekly than work on a huge project!

I also have a lot of started and unfinished pieces which is more of a reflection of me - I’ve always had a huge imagination and am always planning the next idea but I do intend to start posting longer pieces soon! Q3: Have you written fan fiction for other fandoms? And/or before starting your current account? A3: I have! My first ever fan fiction was One Direction ( it’s deleted now - thank god - and on looking back I’m ashamed to say I used a plot for original characters to try and garner more reads - it worked ). I have a wattpad account ( jeonsthighs ) where I’ve completed a 50 chapter Haikyuu piece called An Angel’s Wings. Last I checked it had 125,000 reads and in summary is about a deaf volleyball player who overcomes her self taught ideology that relying on others makes you weak. I’ve also written for other anime fandoms; Fairy Tail and Kuroko No Basket, so I guess you could call me versatile ~ Q4: Do you write anything outside the realm of fan fiction? A4: I write columns for my school newspaper and have the honour of having written an article that has been used in a newspaper!

I used to write stories in school on scrap pieces of paper that would be passed around the class as I wrote them which encouraged me to share it online to try and spread more happiness!

These days I tend not to write any fiction outside of fan fiction due to the amount of work I have but I’m hoping after my exams I’ll be able to juggle my account and work on some ideas I’ve had for a while! Q5: Were you scared to begin posting your work online? A5: Surprisingly no! I’ve always written as a form of stress relief and mindfulness as I’m able to channel any negative emotions into words. So I wasn’t too worried about no one noticing me and am still surprised at the size my account has grown to. The only thing that scares me these days is someone I know finding my account and confronting me about *some* of the more mature content I’ve posted. Q6: Has writing fan fiction taught you anything? About writing? Reading? Yourself? A6: Fan fiction has taught me not to hide away from myself and all of my emotions and thoughts which means I’ve been able to deal with my depression and anxiety in a way I wouldn’t have done before. Often I write characteristics that reflect myself, often without meaning to and upon looking back on my work I notice the resemblance. Writing has been the best and most helpful form of mindfulness and by participating in publishing Fan fiction I am able to connect with others! ( Even if it has given me unrealistic expectations for dating TT )

Q7: What’s your favorite piece you’ve ever written? A7: I’ve thought about this question a lot and come to the cheesiest conclusion ever, even so I stand by it. Every work I publish is my favourite, they all reflect different parts of myself and have different journeys and memories to me and others. I do however have a special place for Golden Boy, a Park Jimin piece because it was my first ever embarking on a journey to write 10,000 words. Q8: Do you notice any stigma surrounding fan fiction or fan fiction writers? A8: That we’re crazed fans or disgusting. I feel authors are criticised for using real people in their work - which was the scariest thing for me as I was moving from the realm of anime and literal characters to writing about real living and breathing humans. However, I use the boys as characters for my writing, I am aware that everything I do is imaginary and do not think it’s likely to come true ( which is one of the reasons I prefer writing crazy alternate universes over more realistic pieces ) Another top stigma is that fan fiction writers are not talented which is rather hurtful. Oh! Also that we’re all perverts and write fifty shades of grey style pieces ( I know there are accounts out there that are nothing like that ... just maybe not mine aha )

Q9: If so, how do you feel about this stigma?

A9: It doesn’t bother me particularly, instead of going on long winded rants that will be skipped by people who believe these I try and be active in changing that stigma ( apart from the smut cus a girls gotta sin ). I’ve started my author recommendations list to support smaller accounts who are just starting up which has had an amazing reception and results!

Q10: What’s something you’ve never been asked but want to be?

A10: Favourite book? Q11: Is Tumblr the site you prefer to post fan fic on? If so, why?

A11: Tumblr is my preferred site - to an extent. It is amazing for creating and talking to the blog family, as well as making friends. However, as I said earlier I’ve been in this fandom a long time and the recent surge of new fans has resulted in more arguments and fights that I don’t like seeing.

Q12: Do you ever want to be published in a professional capacity one day? A12: Yes! I’m hopefully going to university next year to study English Literature and hope to either go into journalism or publishing/editing. I’d love to be a published author but I’m happy to support others in accomplishing their dreams!

Thank you so much for interviewing me and letting me share my thoughts and journey as a BTS fan fiction writer! It’s an honour to be someone you wanted to interview and throughout the process you’ve been so kind ! I really would encourage everyone to try writing, whether it’s poetry, short drabbles or even thousands of words long chaptered pieces because you never know what your mind and imagination are capable of until you push them! Thank you again and happy reading!

Check out Jess’ amazing imagines and fan fiction on her Tumblr page guksthighs and on her Wattpad jeonsthighs! Once again, thank you, Jess!

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obsidianarchives · 6 years

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Black Woman Creator: Britteney Black Rose Kapri

Britteney Black Rose Kapri is a poet, teaching artist, petty enthusiast, and Slytherin from Chicago. Currently, she is an alumna turned Teaching Artist Fellow at Young Chicago Authors. She is a staff member for Black Nerd Problems and Pink Door Women’s Writing Retreat. Her first chapbook titled “Winona and Winthrop” was published in June of 2014 through New School Poetics. She has also been published in the Breakbeat Poets volume One & Two, Poetry Magazine, Vinyl, Day One, Seven Scribes, The Offing, Kinfolks Quarterly and her number on many dive bar bathroom walls. She is a 2015 Rona Jaffe Writers Award Recipient. You can probably find her on twitter talking shit about all the things you love, in a classroom talking shit about your kids, or at a barstool just talking shit. Her forthcoming book Black Queer Hoe is set to be released September 4th, 2018. We spoke to Britteney about her book and being an artist.

Black Girls Create: What do you create?

My biggest export is poetry. But I’m a playwright, essayist, a writer in general. I’m also dabbling in songwriting.

BGC: What made you start writing?

The short version of the story is that in 2nd grade I stopped speaking, basically because I was bored. Even though I had perfectly fine test scores, they put me in a special needs class where the instructors there never asked me to talk. They just had me write and write and write and I bonded with them. I ended up joining an after-school program they created called Kuumba Lynx, which is now a grassroots organization. I haven't stopped writing since I was eight years old.

What was the impetus for writing Black Queer Hoe?

I spent the past six years really focusing on myself as an educator, I’m a teaching artist at Young Chicago Authors, and I didn’t really spend enough time working on myself as an artist. I would write for shows or for something specific but not for myself or to better my craft. I read a lot and all of my friends are putting out books that I think are great, but I just really wasn’t on my shit. [YCA Artistic Director] Kevin Coval asked me what do I want out of my artist career? I always saw myself with a book and I put my chapbook out in 2014.

But a lot of people who engage with me on social media kept asking for a coffee table book of my tweets, and so that was the catalyst for this book. I looked at what tweets or social media posts people are often engaging with and how to get that to a larger platform. So most of the poems in the book started off as tweets or Facebook posts. But really, it’s that I don’t think you can be a quality educator if you’re not actually engaging in what you’re educating. So how am I teaching students to be artists and writers if I’m only writing for a gig or a slam? This was really just to get my shit back on track.

BGC: What are some of the themes that come up in Black Queer Hoe?

"I’m a Black woman, I’m a sexually liberated woman, I am a queer woman, and if you can’t rock with all of that, then you’re not rocking with me."

Intersectionality and sexuality. As a Black woman, you’re often asked to put aside parts of you for someone else’s liberation. White women want this from you, Black men from this from you. No one wants anything from queer folks except for silence. The theme in the book is that all three of these things are me. I’m a Black woman, I’m a sexually liberated woman, I am a queer woman, and if you can’t rock with all of that, then you’re not rocking with me. The book was really to talk about those things in what I consider a humorous and vulgar way because I think women are hilarious and vulgar. And I’m not a lady. Lady shit is boring. I consider myself to be a funny bitch and I wanted to write a funny bitch book and that’s what I did.

BGC: Why do you create?

Because everything around me is so chaotic. Even though I’m very well spoken and articulate and a scholarly person, sometimes I can’t get out what I want to get out unless I’m creating, whether that’s writing or painting or drawing. Sometimes something can only be expressed in a strange or abstract or different way than what is expected.

I think everyone is a creative. Some of us just embrace it more. If you’re an accountant and you just run numbers that’s cool, but if you’re trying to get a new client you have to have some showmanship, you have to sell yourself. Anytime you sell yourself in whatever business, you’re doing it as a creative. When you dress yourself, when you style yourself, when you present yourself, the way you talk, it’s all done through this creative lens, though not everybody embraces it the way poets or playwrights or muralists do.

BGC: Who is your audience?

My audience is hoodrats who went to college but don’t necessarily know why they went to college, outside of their mama saying “you either going to college or getting a job.” I’ve always been a scholarly person, I’ve always done well in school, and I love school but I also grew up in the hood. The hood is exactly who I am, it’s where I came from. Whether people can see that or not when they talk to me doesn’t matter. My roots are here and my poems are for scholars that still know what it’s like to play basketball with a milk carton or have to be in before the street lights go on. Or really even though you had an AC in our house you put a fan in the window because you couldn’t afford to turn on the AC in your house. My poems are for people like that.

BGC: Who inspires you?

Samantha Irby, who is probably my number one inspiration right now. She’s an essayist. In real life I’m vulgar and I put a lot of stock in humor but my writing up until this point really wasn’t that way. It was always straightforward but I leaned on ideas of what poetry was, and Samantha Irby was like you can be a badass writer and talk about gross shit, raw shit, exactly how you talk to your homies in a bar. And when I read Meaty I was like wow, I don’t have to sound like these other people, I can sound like me and it is a poem. If I write it and say it’s a poem, it’s a poem. Whether you see a poem in it or not, that’s up to you I don’t care, especially if you already bought the book.

I’m also inspired by Patricia Smith, Gwendolyn Brooks, Jamila Woods, Joseph Chilliams. I’m currently being inspired by two of my students right now, who are inspired by me but they’re just so much better than I was at their age. Ari Appleberry and Kennedy Harris, both from Brooks College Prep. It’s been crazy to watch their growth, but as young Black writers they’re just so dope to only be seventeen and eighteen and it makes me feel so good to see their writing and to see them embracing all of these things that it took me until I was in my late 20s to embrace.

"Because everyone is always creating our image for us."

BGC: Why is it important as a Black person to create?

Because everyone is always creating our image for us. If you leave the states people have this idea of what Black is, and particularly what Chicago Black is, and if we are not telling our stories, our stories will be told without us. It’s the same reason boxer braids exist. Extensions instead of tracks. All these ways people double talk and double speak. Erase our faces but keep our shit. If we’re not creating, then what’s being created around us is just garbage. So you have to.

BGC: How do you balance creating with the rest of your life?

I don’t. I either go super into work mode or super into writing mode. I also have the inability to turn down projects so I take on a bunch of shit and am up at like 3am finishing a book because I know I have 17 meetings the next day and somebody else wants me to mentor them so I’m doing that. I get everything done all at the expense of my health. Balance is not my forte, I’m working on it. But I also have a really strong circle of folks around me who tell me when I need to chill out — and that’s really where my balance comes from, the folks in my life telling me “you’re burning yourself out and you’re not being the best that you can be at any of these things because your spread yourself thin between all of these things.“

BGC: Any advice for young creators/ones just starting?

There is no one path in which this happens. You can go through slam, publishing, journals, open mics, TV, YouTube. Whatever it is, there is no one path to success and if one person takes a path and it works for them and not for you that’s okay. If a door closes, you climb through the window. You dig under and go over and whatever it takes to get there, you get there. At the same time you can’t be creating if you’re not consuming what’s around you. If you’re only ever listening to yourself you’re not going to get any place. You have to be engaging in the art around you so you know where the movement’s going, what people are listening to, what people are looking for. Are you writing the exact same poem that this person is writing, and if so, is yours better? You have to engage in other folks’ art or you’re not going to get any place.

BGC: Any future projects coming up?

Black Queer Hoe comes out September 4th. I am in the very budding stages of an anthology, probably with Haymarket, but can’t give too many details about that. I’ve been sort of joking that I might want to try to get involved with stand up of some sort, but I don’t really know how outside of just roasting folks. I don’t know how to craft a joke that has a punchline unless the punchline is somebody. So if people want to sit in a room where I just talk shit about them, that I can do. But I don’t know if I can create a storyline the way comedians do, that shit’s hard, it’s a really dope skill. But I want to get involved with that as well as songwriting. I want to branch out what I’m known for as a writer.

#Poetry #Book #Black Woman #Black Woman Creator

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jjasprarchive-blog · 6 years

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what’s up y’all !! i’m nev and i like stephen king and horror and my cat and that’s literally all there is to me ✌️👏🗣 i’m so excited to plot n chat with all of u more euryfgkseurhe anyway under the cut you’ll find some general info on my lil monster boi jasper and if u click HERE you can find his stats and some more detailed stuff abt him !! ( tw for drug mentions )

[ TROYE SIVAN, 20, & HE/HIM ] JASPER PELLETIER is known as the ICARIAN around denver. they’ve lived here for TWO YEARS and are a STUDENT. BATTERED CONVERSE HIGH-TOPS, THE STICKY SWEET AROMA OF SMOKE IN THE SUMMER, BREAKING INTO THE PUBLIC POOL AT MIDNIGHT.

so jasper was born and raised in new haven, connecticut, where his dad is a hotshot philosophy prof at yale and his mom is a published poet who teaches poetry classes and workshops locally. despite their success, his parents are both rly grounded, good people who always made time for jasper. they never spoiled him with material things, instead it was spoiling him with travel and culture and learning, etc

he’s been in denver two years (since he started school)

jas came out as gay when he was 14, a freshman in high school. he’d always ~known but was scared as HELL to come out. because of his more feminine attributes and what other kids called his “tells,” he was essentially forced out of the closet before he was ready. it was tough as hell for him, but thankfully when he came out to his parents they were beyond accepting and made that experience a little easier than it would otherwise have been. especially with two years of college under his belt now, he’s extremely open about and proud of his sexuality

this boy smokes so 👏 much 👏 weed 👏 like he generally has a joint or two on him tucked away between his cigarettes. he is also, however, big-time against hard drugs (coke, heroin, meth, etc). he’s done coke a couple times, but like in general he won’t touch that shit !! and he’ll probably purse his lips at u if u do it in front of him, but unless ur like rly good friends he prob won’t actually say anything bc he tries not to be ~preachy. if ur good friends tho boy watch out he’ll randomly get pissed off abt it and start a fight eryfjyethyrgaudhsja

he had a bf in high school that he was like heart eyes over but stuff went down and in the end they sort of mutually broke up after a huge explosive fight right before his bf went off to college. it’s mostly jasper’s fault and he knows that and it’s lowkey his biggest regret. his second bf was his freshman year at rmcad and that ended even worse bc he ended up being a crazy asshole, so after that jas was like ok fuck! this! and decided he wasn’t doing boyfriends anymore for a while and he’s still in that mindset except deep down he’s craving that intimacy

he wild !! seriously he has so much excess energy and acts like a child most of the time. he will throw skittles at people’s heads for the vine

he’s like super into philosophy bc of his dad, and he’s intelligent so the concepts come to him quickly and easily, but he’s completely unable to apply those concepts to his real life he’s literally too childish. he also has a lot of random knowledge, catch him rhapsodizing about medieval juridical systems and the origins of whaling in america

he’s an artist at heart, he’ll almost always start doodling on napkins and receipts etc no matter where he is or what he’s doing. he’ll usually have paint stains on his hands and arms and sometimes legs

aesthetics include wearing dirty converse and shirts that are way too big on him, ripped jeans rolled up at the ends, tall socks, scrapes and bruises on his elbows and knees, white wine, headphones around his neck, a tattered book in his hand, sunglasses indoors, loudly popping bubble gum, snarky retorts to questions not directed at him, jumping fences for a midnight swim in a closed pool, cigarettes and joints, sunsets, eating fruit on the beach, acting tough even tho he’s literally tiny

you get the idea

also for reference he’s blond!troye

so yH he is pretentious and sarcastic as fuck and pretends not to care when he acts childish and ends up offending ppl except UH OH deep down he feels bad n is just trying to figure out how to navigate growing up n entering the adult world u dig ??

that’s all i have for u here again feel free to check out his stats page for more info but like HIT! ME! UP! bitches i am a SLUT for angst give me the most dramatic plots possible i want it all !!

CONNECTION IDEAS:

girl gang ! jas needs his ladies to gossip and watch rom coms and cry abt cute boys with

hookups ! i want toxic on and off hookups, unrequited feelings (either way), one nights stands, etc etc

someone who jasper rly wants to sleep with/they rly wna sleep with jasper but it hasn’t happened for whatever reason

i rly want a plot where like jas and this person used to HATE each other but now they’re like rly close yuergfsjyergh

also vice versa. they were super close at first and bc of a fight or whatever they’re like E N E M I E S now

art buddy ! someone else who will whip out their grungy clothes and spread out newspapers all over the floor and paint the day away with him

he’s rly good at breaking people out of their shells so anyone who’s like more of an ~innocent and needs someone to expose them to partying n being wild…….hit him uP

partying friends, ride or die, an ex, someone who he rly looks up to, someone who hates him, someone who looks up to him??, EVERYTHING ok every angsty plot u can imagine i want

#denver:intro #hLO throws flowers #this is trash but what do u expect from me honestly

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comprosedreviews-blog · 6 years

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A Court of Wings and Ruin (finally) with Monica

Rating: 4/5 (goodreads)

With a great (new) laptop, comes great responsibility.

And no one knows that better than me. At least after the seven hour, where-did-all-my-files-go-and-why-didn’t-they-transfer-correctly debacle.

SO while I had an almost full review finished for this book, it has gone MIA. Go. Figure.

But that’s Karma’s way of getting back at me for not publishing this a few months ago, you know, when I actually finished reading the book.

But y’all didn’t come here to listen to me complain, you came for a book review, so without further RAWRS and GRRs, here’s the review:

You should read the book.

Yes I know, you’re probably sitting there glued to your screens, mouth agape because somehow, after loving the first two books of this beloved series I also managed to love and recommend the third. GOOD GRACIOUS MONICA!!! YOU’RE CRAZY!!!

In all seriousness, the book did fall a little bit behind the first and second in the list of favorites for me, but still managed to keep me coming back for more page turns and laughter and fear.

Before writing any further, I want to warn those of you who stumbled upon this review thinking that ACOWAR was the first in a series from reading the rest of this post. You see, young ones, if you continue to read you will be spoiled for the first two books... because well, this is the third and final in its little trilogy.

So turn away, avert your eyes, and direct your feet to the nearest Barnes & Nobles (or wherever you satisfy your book reading needs) and purchase A Court of Thorns and Roses. You won’t be sorry.

THE BRIEF NON-SPOILERY: I can confirm that there are areas of overwriting in this finale. In fact, much of the beginning dragged on or felt unnecessary, to the point where 100 pages or so in, I finally felt like we began the story. The beginning is important for foundational stuff about new characters, old characters and new threat lines, however. It probably could have just been done with far fewer words and scenes.

I also think that there are several areas that just lagged. I could easily put the book down in those moments and do something else... which for me isn’t a great reading experience. And before you wave your fists and say BUT MONICA, books can’t be all power and action and romance all the time, know that I understand that. I mean, I read a lot and love books a lot, but this was an excessive amount of hmmmmmmm don’t need to be reading this right now. I want to be fully pulled in, I want something to make me think I CAN PUSH THROUGH THIS SECTION TO FIND X OUT... but there were whole chapters where I was like... whelp. Nothing interesting happened.

THAT BEING SAID, other moments in the book were done spectacularly and kept me immersed in the world even when I had to put the book down. I was like... No. Nope. Okay Mr. Reporting-Professor, you can talk all you want about the inverted pyramid, but understand that all I’m hearing is fanfic poetry about the love between Rhysand and Feyre.

You get all the characters you love back and all the resolutions you could ask for, which is why lovers of the series must finish it. Don’t let yourself feel the unresolved feeling of ending on ACOMAF (because we all know that ending left us SHOOK).

That’s all I can offer for you folks out there who haven’t finished ACOWAR. I hope these words of wisdom have helped you settle on the right decision of reading the book for yourself. If it didn’t, well, sorry. I’m a mere hufflepuff.

WARNING!! SPOILERS!!! AHEAD!!!

You know, I really enjoyed this book, I swear I did, but as I’m thinking back on it, the things I remember best are the things that annoyed me. Like the father’s convenient return right as the battle was being lost, the constant magic draining, the convenient return of Rhysands angel looking friends, and all the character death bluffs. So for the interest of ending this review on a positive note (because, wtf my brain, we love this book??) I’m going to talk about these things and then swing into the good.

1. WHATS WITH ALL THE CONVENIENCE?

Did we just get written into too tough of a plot to get out of? No, I don’t think we did. Why? Because Sarah J. Mass is brilliant. I’m sorry, but did you see all the foreshadowing with the mirror? Or the awesome trials in the first book? Or the link between the stars of Feyre’s drawer and Rhysand??? This girl can write the tough writes.

But this ending was riddled with oddly convenient and seemingly unnecessary helps. The island with the Seraphine and the wards that worked a little too well... like why didn’t Rhysand and friends check super hard? Why didn’t they shout a bunch. WHY DIDNT THEY REALIZE, oh yeah, we protect our sacred city with a bunch of wards too... Why didn’t the angel beings think to look outside of their wards ever? And how come they were able to get notice of the battle at all? Like... HMM, yeah we couldn’t really reach you BUTTTTTTTTT now we’re here because we found out about it?? No. I need a better explanation.

And maybe there is one to come. Maybe the second series will shine some light on the topic, but if that’s the case then writing that entrance for these guys was a super risky move because--I’m just going to say it--it came across as a Deux ex machina (which are endings I frankly hate).

GAHHHH and the whole book we were like

Reader: Oh no!!!!! Azriel is going to die! His wings are shredding, he went on a kill mission, he’s the misplaced love angle...I knew he shouldn’t have gone with them! I knew it!!! I knew it!! This is Sarah offing him isn’t it--

Feyre: actually we got him back in time so it’s all peas and--

Reader: OMG YOU ONLY GOT HIM TO SURVIVE BECAUSE TAMLIN IS DEAD NOW AND HE HAS SACRIFICED HIMSELF JUST AS HE REDEEMED WHATEVER TERRIBLE DARKNESS HE WAS BATHED IN AS A SMA--

Tamlin: Actually, no. No. I come back in the end. They kept me alive. I’m good.

Reader: HOLY MUFFIN GUACAMOLE YOU DISTRACTED ME SO THAT I WOULDN’T SEE CASSI--oh actually cass is fine wow. Good job Ness--OMG NESSA AND CASSIAN ARE GOING TO DIE AHHHHH

Elain: NOT. In. My. House!

Reader: Oh dang. Nice slashy slash. Wait so everyone-- OMG ARMEN NOOOOOOOO

Ocean: psht. She’s fine. I’ll spit her out as a high fey, no worries

Reader: Oh. Oh. Okay, wow. That’s um, good then?

Cauldron: *Gargles*

Reader: *Sobbing hysterically* RHYSAND!!!!!!!!! Actually, he’ll be fine too probably... yep. Okay.

It got to the point where I was like, well there’s no real need to worry because any character I actually give an emotional teardrop about is protected by all the force of the pen forever. So. Yeah.

I mean, I’m not complaining that all my characters made it out unscathed, just that they made it out and each and every one of them had their life thissssssss close to being torn away... and somehow I’m still expected to buy Rhysand’s near death at the end as our final hurdle to overcome. Which. I didn’t.

BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THE BAD, let’s talk about the good.

The very beginning had me so upset. But in a good way. When it wasn’t going on too long we got to see a darker side of Feyre, the side that decided to kill a fairy for revenge, the side that isn’t afraid to ruin lives if it means saving the people she cares about.

AND I HAVE TO SAY I HATED IT AND LOVED THAT I HATED IT.

Like, I do not like Tamlin. I will never like Tamlin, there is no redeeming Tamlin. But, still, as Feyre began to turn his armies against him and used Lucien (who I do like!) to tear a rift in the spring court I felt the feels. Like... no. This isn’t how we do things.

But. It. Is.

Feyre don’t mess around.

When the bond between Rhysand and Feyre started to go quiet I was SOOOOO worried that Tamlin had secretly discovered a way to shut it down and was working with Ianthe that I just... I was like STOP WORRYING ABOUT DESTROYING SPRING AND START FOCUSSING ON THIS CLEARLY WRONG THING!!!!! But it wasn’t that.

No. No, it was her magic, being drained from her.

And for someone with SO MUCH MAGIC in the book before, I was so taken aback by how many times her powers were literally drained from her.

Was anyone else impatiently waiting for more Feysand? Because I was. I wanted it sooooo badly. Maybe that’s the real reason everything dragged. Maybe I just needed them to be together again, especially because she was now lady of the night court and I wanted to see some night court shenanigans with the gang.

Good times. That would have been good times.

But I had to wait. And when we did get there

STUFF//WAS//FALLING//APART

I’m sorry, what do you mean Elain is miserable???? And mad???

I’m sorry, what do you mean Lucien is coming with??? (because I might like him but yeesh, I was annoyed with his “how could you betray me” thing).

I’m sorry, what do you mean IN GENERAL????

Can’t we just like... Idk, ignore our wounds from the other book? CASS got to! His wings grew back//were healed. We should all be like Cass!

For real though, when everyone was talking about how Elain had gone crazy I was sitting here thinking... *raises hands* um maybe she’s like... seeing the future? Did we think about that guys?? But nooooooo. Everyone was all pity filled and I was all :(((((((((((

My greatest regret is we never got the resolution of Cass and Nessa. I want them together and I want it yesterday!

I felt like we were there. We were so close. They almost died together and Cass and Nessa BASICALLY SAID THEY LOVED EACH OTHER and then...

poof. Same old same old rawr.

And then are Elain and Azriel going to be a thing??? I don’t know if I want that or don’t want that???? Are Lucien and bird princess going to be a thing???? Who is a thing, who isn’t a thing, why???????

Like, last book I was here for Lucien and Elain. I mean I figured they’d have to like, get to know each other, fall in love, etc. but I’m a sucker for a falling in love story// enemies to lovers sub-arch.

Nope. Nope. Nope.

Now I can’t even bring myself to root for that. They are just wrong for each other. And I don’t like it. I don’t like that our thing that set up our two main characters can be so imperfect. Rawr, I just want resolution!!!!!!

And did everyone catch that Lucien isn’t related to the monster that was previously believed to be his father??? WHO’S GOING TO EXPLAIN TO DADDY HELION THAT HE IS A FATHER???? WHY DIDN’T THAT HAPPEN IN THIS BOOK???

I’m sorry but all signs for me point to the next series following Elain, Lucien, and Bird princess lady// whatever horrible deal she made to be able to come and fight. I’m not against that. I do want to know more about why the cauldron gave Elain so much power, and how her ex-fiance is feeling now, and how her prophesies/// Azriel thing/// Lucien thing is going to pan out !!!BUT!!!! But here I am wanting to know what happened to giant nightmare cloud, wanting to see baby Feysand, wanting to have Mor find love, wanting to know more about Nessa’s link with the cauldron...

ARE WE SURROUNDED BY I NEED TO KNOWS RIGHT NOW OR WHAT???

*sigh* when is Sarah going to release the next series beginner? I need it. Otherwise, I might combust. And I need these answers. Not in this order but... like in the next book please?? Please???? PLEASE????

So this review turned more into a mindless ramble of happenings and wants than anything else. If you feel I left things out (which I most certainly did thanks to writing this months and months after reading smh) please comment below! I’d love to hear what Y’all think// what y’all want from the next book.

And gosh if you read this far, you’re a saint.

Until next post,

Monica

#ACOWAR #sarah j maas #acotar #acomaf #feyre archeron #Feysand #booklr #book #books #bookreview #comPROSEdbookreviews

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